You're so good.
I'm the best, baby.
That was a tit, that is a tit, yes.
You're so big,
Yeah, that's right, baby.
Doggy wants to hide his bone,
I'm bone smuggling,
Would you shut up?
Jimmy, just wanted to say sweet dreams.
Good night, Mom.
Good night.
Something wrong with the reception?
Yeah, yeah.
I was trying to watch this nature show.
The birds are scrambled...
and I can't...
Do me!,
Ride me like a pony,
Must be broken. I sat on the remote.
- Ready for be? - All set.
I think he's trying to watch some illegal channels.
Illegal channels?
That's just bad reception.
- Spank my ass. - What?
Just give me this, please.
And let's get this...
Okay, okay.
What's wrong with this?
Illegal channels? If there's one channel...
that should be illegal, it's that woman's...
"Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose", or some shit.
Did you see "Little Mermaid" on TV?
That Ariel's so hot.
She's a mermaid, dude.
But not when she's on land.
Vicky, it's Stifler's party.
We gotta go, it'll be great.
Why? All that happens is a bunch of...
people will get drunk and do it.
Yeah.
- Open it, Kevin. - It's a thick...
envelope, you got in.
Just open it.
Fine.
"Dear Mrs. Latham: after putting you on a waiting list...
we've decided you are now rejected."
Shut up.
You got in.
Yes! I love you.
Okay.
Should I wear this shirt to the party?
You've worn that shirt for 3 days.
Guys, she said it.
- What? - That she loves me.
Shit! The "L" word?
Cornell's not far from U of M.
Yeah, only 7 hours.
And you get to drive across Canada. Beautiful country.
Whatever. It's doable.
Today in band, instead of playing regularly,...
let's play backwards.
That'll be so funny.
You're talking about a...
post-high school long-distance relationship...
and you two haven't even done it yet.
That's not why we're going out.
What would he drive you to Cornell for, milk and cookies?
We'll have sex when we're ready.
It has to be perfect.
I want the right time, the right place.
It's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.
Finch.
- The man we're looking for. - Gentlemen.
- What's going on? - Same old.
Finch, you got the Latin homework?
Canis menus id comedit,
"My dog ate it". A joke.
- A Latin joke. - Drink your coffee, Finch.
- Jim, it's mochaccino. - What?
I'm drinking mochaccino, not coffee.
Nova!
What's up, dude?
Coming to the party tonight, fuckface?
If my date wants to stop by.
I'm working on something new.
Here's something new.
You guys locate your dicks,...
remove the shrink-wrap, and use them!
Dude, it'll happen. She's a college chick.
Right. See you tonight...
in the "No Fucking" section.
I'm shooting for 9 ETA. Beer in hand by 5 after.
Breath check?
Please.
Thank you.
- Don't do that. - Got a plan for tonight?
It's a foolproof plan, my friend.
I have a question for you.
You know Nadia, the Czechoslovakian chick?
She may be there tonight.
You think she'd prefer...
Laid Back Jim, or...
Cool Hip Jim?
It doesn't matter with that shirt you're wearing.
You have a girlfriend and you're stuck on 3rd base.
At least I know what 3rd base feels like.
You're still a bat boy.
Bat boy? What are you talking about?
Guys,...
what does 3rd base feel like?
You want to take this one?
Like warm apple pie.
Apple pie, huh?
McDonalds or homemade?
Gentlemen,...
destiny awaits.
That's number 5 and 6 for the Stifmeister.
Holy Lord.
Nadia, "buenos días". Glad you could make it.
I'll be back for you later.
Now the party's starting!
Welcome to Stifler's palace of love.
The keg's back there. Enjoy.
Vicky, Jessica, glad you could make it.
Bitches.
Sherman!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Fellas, what's going on?
Not much. Just scoping the babes.
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys.
Confidence is high.
Repeat, confidence is high.
Sherman's moving to DEFCON 2.
Full strategic arsenal...
waiting for development.
You have something planned?
See that Central chick, the brunette?
She's around. Seems she's taken a liking to me.
Fellas,...
it's time she experienced the Sherminator.
Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.
I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time...
to change the future of one lucky lady
Go, tiger.
I'll be back.
- Hopeless. - Completely.
- Hi. - Hey, Vic.
Oh, shit.
Guys, guys.
There's Nadia...
and she just looked at me.
She looked at me.
Go talk to her.
You're right. I should go talk to her.
I could do that. Sure.
Sure.
That's great.
See you later.
We're here for the party.
What party?
- There's no party. - Stifler!
Party!
Weird.
Try down the street.
So, what's your major?
Postmodern feminist thought.
Cool. Great night, isn't it?
Sure.
There's something about springtime that's just cool.
Like the smell of...
fresh rain or something.
Suck me, beautiful.
What?
Suck me, beautiful.
My friends call me Nova.
As in Casanova.
That's pathetic.
You don't have to laugh at me.
You just need to learn a bit.
- Like what? - Tone it down.
You don't need to...
spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic.
Okay.
Pay attention to a girl. Be sensitive with her.
Relationships are reciprocal.
Come on, Casanova, I'll take...
you back to your friends.
Do you think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?
Tonight?
It's such a perfect evening.
Isn't this how you always pictured it?
Man, my farts fucking stink.
You got to take a shit! You smell like a Yeti.
Or not.
Just relax.
You actually said that?
Shut up.
You did better than I did with Nadia.
Thanks. That's really reassuring.
No problem, Nova.
Don't call me Nova anymore.
I'm a fraud.
You guys are pathetic.
I'm going to find myself a bottle.
Suck me, beautiful!
- Let me know. - Okay.
Keep going.
I should be able to talk to girls.
I'm articulate.
I scored 720 on my SAT Verbal.
Bullshit. No way.
I kid you not, man. Listen.
Copious.
Verisimilitude.
Now.
Suck me, beautiful.
- Damn it, Stifler. - Checkout time!
Please, vacate.
You are such a jerk!
There are many cool people at this party.
And you got a keg, too.
Indeed.
Wait, I left my beer downstairs.
Here, babe.
Thanks.
You're really beautiful.
Really?
I don't know if I should be doing this.
- Doing what? - Well, if we...
hook up tonight,...
tomorrow you'll just tell all your friends.
No way!
Steve, at least look at me when you say that.
Look,...
Sarah,...
I wouldn't go telling stories about you.
I promise. So just...
relax.
Take it slow...
and let the good times roll.
Okay.
All right.
What's wrong?
What is it?
Xenophobic.
- Regurgitation. - I know that one.
Kevin likes it.
He likes getting head. What a shocker!
What about you? Never had one with Kevin...
or never had one, period?
I've had one.
- I think. - Okay.
That's a no.
No wonder you're not psyched about sex.
What about manually?
I've never tried it.
Never clicked your mouse?
Nice.
Jesus, Stifler, how much did you drink?
How's the pale ale?
Fuck you.
- That's Stifler's mom? - Yep.
Shit.
I can't believe such a fine woman produced a guy like Stifler.
- Dude, that chick's a MILF. - A what?
M.I.L.F. Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
MILF! MILF!
Come here.
What's going on, Sherman?
Do you think you fellas...
could try a little tact?
I got company...
if you know what I mean.
She's hot.
If Sherman has sex before I do,...
I'll be really pissed.
The Sherminator?
Come on, man.
MILF! MILF!
What are you doing?
My God, bro.
Enough of this blow job shit. I got to get laid.
Really, really nice.
- Can I have a ride? - Sure.
- Vicky, wait. - Not for you.
Yeti! I am the Yeti!
- Morning, gentlemen. - Finch.
Where were you last night? What about that foolproof plan?
It was a fashionable late entrance, but I was too late.
No ladies left.
It was a very special night.
Guys, guys.
I'll never forget this.
Me, either.
Thank you.
- Well, bye. - Bye.
Fellas, say good-bye to Sherman the boy.
I'm now a man.
I highly recommend you join the club.
We were doing the wild thing all night.
I'm exhausted.
How the hell did you do that?
It was just my time.
Just my time.
Best of luck to you, boys.
I cannot believe this.
Come on, guys.
We should be happy for Sherman.
No, we shouldn't.
I've put in months of time with Vicky.
Sherman meets a chick one night and scores. This is wrong.
No shit.
How am I going to become Mr. Sensitive Man?
We're all going to go to college as virgins.
I bet there's special dorms for people like us.
I have an idea.
But it's between us.
We just have to make an agreement.
More than an agreement.
- A bet? - A pact.
No money. More important than a bet.
Here it is:
We all get laid before we graduate.
Dude,...
it's not like I haven't been trying.
Think of when you work out.
someone there to...
motivate you. That's what we'll do for each other.
We'll keep each other on track.
Separately, we're vulnerable.
Together, we can master our sexual destiny.
Their kung fu is strong, but our dragon style will defeat it.
Guys,...
The masters from East and West must fight...
and find out who is number one.
You're ruining my moment here.
Our manhood is at stake.
We must make a stand here and now.
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused.
We will fight...
for each man who isn't getting laid and should be.
This is our day.
This is our time.
We will not watch history condemn us into celibacy.
- Amen. - I like that.
We will make a stand. We will succeed.
About time!
We will get laid!
Sex...
must be valid, consensual sex.
No prostitutes, if that's what you were thinking, Finch.
Busted.
So, basically, prom is our last chance.
- Prom sucks. - I know.
But think of all the parties afterwards.
- Chicks will want to do it. - He's right.
It's like tradition, or something.
Like the Rose Bowl.
So that gives us...
Exactly 3 weeks to the day.
We will do this.
To the next step.
The next step!
- You got it? - Yeah.
ELECTRONIC DATE
Did you get the flowers?
Don't worry,...
- you'll get her back. - You think?
- Sure, she likes you. - I like her, too.
Do you love her?
You can't really ask me that.
You want her in the sack, say you love her.
That's how I was duped.
Jessica, I don't want to dupe her.
All right.
You must learn how to press a girl's buttons.
- Give her what she's never had. - What's that?
Here's a hint.
An orgasm?
You got it, stud.
Well, I'm pretty sure I've given her a...
No, you haven't.
There was one time...
- Oh, man. - Look,...
it's up to you. The big "L" or the big "O".
Dickhead!
You got to see this.
You believe in magic in a young girl's heart?
How the music can free you wheneverit starts?
It's magic if the music is groovy, it makes me feel happy,
What'd you cocks do to him?
Music frees your soul but,,,
it's like telling a stranger about rock and roll,
Great.
See you next time.
Come to watch me in action?
You sounded pretty good.
Yeah, man.
You need your balls reattached.
Keep it down, dude.
Why the fuck are you here?
This is an untapped resource.
Check it out. These...
jazz girls are hot.
Why'd he join the jazz choir so late?
Maybe he's preparing for another senior year.
We don't even know him.
You dipshit.
You expect to score with some goody-goody choir girl priss?
They don't know me.
I can work the sensitive angle here.
It's like that college chick said.
You just ask questions and...
listen to what they have to say and shit.
I don't know. Sounds like a lot of work.
Just a second.
Come in.
Jim, you're here.
I was just walking by your room...
and was thinking it's been a long time...
since we've had a father-son chat.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I bought some magazines.
You want to flip to the center section?
Well, this is the female form.
They have focused on the breasts...
which are used primarily to...
feed young infants.
And also in...
- foreplay. - Right.
That is...
Hustler.
This is a much more exotic magazine.
They have decided to focus more on...
the pubic region.
The whole groin area.
Look at the expression on her face.
See what she's doing?
She's looking into your eyes, saying:
"Hey, big boy,...
how you doing?"
- You see? - Right.
Shaved...
is a magazine I'm not too familiar with but,...
if you'll flip to the center...
section,...
you'll see the detail...
in this picture here.
It almost looks like a tropical plant.
Some underwater thing.
You know what a clitoris is?
My God! Yes, I know what it is.
I see. You do. You know everything.
I learned it in sex ed. You don't need to...
I was just trying to help you.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have gotten so hot. Know what I'll do?
I'll leave these books here...
for you to peruse...
at your pleasure.
Wait!
Safer than a tube sock.
Okay, that was good.
See you at dinner.
Yeah, see you at dinner.
Finch, this is your plan?
I don't think girls...
are into mini-golf.
I'm sure they're not.
There's one matter I need your cooperation in.
- In the spirit of the pact. - What?
Whatever you hear about me, agree. Tell the boys.
I have to go.
16 minutes round trip.
Finch, it's senior year.
It's time to take a dump at school.
Have you seen the facilities in the school?
Excuse me.
That's Paul Finch, right?
Yeah.
You've seen him in the locker room.
Yeah.
My friends want to know. Is it true?
You know, that he's so equipped.
I don't know. He showers with his bathing suit on.
Actually, it's true.
- The guy's huge. - He have a date for the prom?
No, definitely not.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, man!
I was thinking...
if you could give me some brotherly advice.
Some kind of trick,,,
-to make her,,, -Orgasm?
Yeah.
What's good here?
- Try the spicy tuna hand roll. - What?
How do you do that?
Never mind that. Pay attention.
Is all you want just getting her into bed?
It'd be nice to be able to return the favor.
I want her to enjoy things as much as me,
That's what I wanted to hear. Now you qualify.
Qualify for what?
You just inherited the Bible.
It originated as a sex manual...
some guys got in Amsterdam.
Each year, it was passed on to one student who was worthy.
Now it's full of stuff guys have added over the years.
You must keep it a secret...
and return it at the end of the year.
Now you know. Good luck.
Do you believe in magic?
Don't you bother to choose,,,
if it's band music or rhythm and blues,
Just go and listen, It'll start with a smile,,,
that won't wipe off your face, no matter how hard you try,
Your feet start tapping and you can't seem to find,,,
how you got there,
Do you believe in magic?
Magic,
What was that?
- Sorry. - No, it was good.
It came from the heart.
Keep it coming.
Good work, people.
Remember, state competition is 2 weeks away.
So keep on it, okay?
Not bad, Chris.
Really?
Thanks. Heather, right?
Yeah.
You've got the Frank Sinatra thing going?
Right.
I feel I've discovered this whole new side of me.
Music is so expressive.
Okay. I agree, but...
shouldn't you be out trying to decapitate someone with...
- your lacrosse stick? - Sure.
I know what people think.
"Oz is just this kick-ass lacrosse player."
I also play football.
But that's not all I am, you know.
Of course not.
It bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me.
You?
You think I don't get that?
Because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend,...
people say:
"There's that goody-two-shoes choir girl priss."
Yeah, so, what else do you do?
The same things you do.
Hang out with friends and stuff.
- What do you think I do? - I just...
realized I don't know anything about you. I was interested.
What do you want to know?
You know, stuff...about you.
All right.
Mom, I'm home.
It's not what it looks like.
Well,...
we'll just tell your mother we ate it all.
Goal by number 8, Chris Ostreicher,
Great game.
What are you doing here?
Enjoying my first exhilarating lacrosse experience.
You kicked butt.
- Thanks. - Chris.
Call me Oz, if you want.
- Do I have to? - Or Ostreicher.
- What's your middle name? - Forget it.
I won't tell anyone.
Neither will I.
Okay.
So, I had this thought.
It may seem way out of field.
I don't know if you can, but...
I'm not going with anyone, so I thought maybe...
Those guys sucked ass!
What are you doing here?
Well, I was asking Chris to the prom.
Do you want to go?
Yeah, that would be great.
Don't expect...
- Oz to pay for the limo. - Stifler, fuck!
I mean...
why are you so insensitive all the time?
What?
Whatever. Remember...
my cottage after the prom. On Lake Michigan.
Wait up, you pussies!
I have to hit the showers now, but...
I think this will be really good.
Yeah, me, too.
All right.
My man, Oz.
Working the choir chick?
I dig the cute sweaters she wears.
I bet you do, man.
Yeah, baby!
Spank me, daddy!
Hit that high C!
What's going on here?
I was being selfish, and insensitive.
I'm a total idiot. A buffoon!
I think "shithead" really says it.
You're right, I'm a shithead.
I want to make it up to you.
Oh, yeah?
How?
Vicky, your parents are downstairs.
Kevin, don't stop.
One second.
Hon, tell Vick to come down for supper.
Holy shit!
There's no lock on your door.
I'm coming!
Dad.
I was looking at the family portrait here.
That was a fun day, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
Jim, I want to talk about masturbation.
I want you to know that...
it's a perfectly normal thing.
And I have to admit I did a fair bit of...
masturbating when I was younger.
I used to call it stroking the salami.
You know, pounding the old pud.
I never did it with baked goods.
Your Uncle Mort pinched the one-eyed shake...
5,6 times a day. It's like...
practice for the big game.
You see?
It's like...
banging a tennis ball against a brick wall,...
which can be fun.
But it's not a game.
- Right. - It's not a game.
What you want is a partner to return the ball.
You want a partner?
Yeah, I want a partner.
- You do? - Yeah, I want one.
Of course.
Good.
So,...
once Hal is kind he has to take on...
responsibilities and turn his back...
on his old drunken friend Falstaff.
He is going through a right of passage,...
as you all are.
So make the most of the time you have left together.
Does your tongue cramp up?
No. You get kind of dizzy, though.
That's amazing. She'll probably want to do it soon.
Class dismissed.
Still questing after the Holy Grail, guys?
Where's Finch?
He went home to take a shit.
How does a guy like that get this sudden reputation?
What reputation?
Observe.
Excuse me.
You know who Paul Finch is?
The guy with the tattoo.
You know,...
the eagle, the blazing fire and all that stuff.
If you guys see him, tell him Courtney says hi.
Bye.
Okay, explain.
I don't know how he's doing it.
I guess that leaves Jim trailing.
- Jimbo. - Better stack up.
- I'm working on it, okay? - James?
You are very good in world history class, yes?
Me? Yes. No...
Yes, I am.
Perhaps you could help me with my studies.
Yeah, absolutely. That would be great sometime.
How about tomorrow?
Well, I have ballet practice.
I could come by your house afterwards.
I could change at your place.
Yeah, I suppose that would be okay.
Sure.
Nice car.
- I'm glad you think so. - You don't like it?
I like the car. But about the prom?
That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you.
- What do you mean? - Please.
I asked you because I thought you might be worth going with.
But you're just a jock. No, wait. A jerk.
I don't understand.
I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.
- Heather, I wasn't making fun... - You're full of it.
Fuck me! There will be an Eastern European chick...
naked in my house, and you're doing nothing?
What can I do, broadcast her over the Internet?
Yeah.
You can do that?
I can't do that to her.
Jim, get some fucking balls.
If you haven't the guts to photograph a naked chick,...
how will you sleep with her?
I don't like him, but he's right.
See?
Even Shitbreak knows you should.
Just set up some private link on the Net and...
tell me the address.
Send me the address, too.
I'll save you a seat.
How sweet it is to be loved by you,
I needed the shelter of someone's arms,
There you were,
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs,
There you were,
That was good.
But thicken up...
the solo. Michigan State...
is Saturday and I want that part to smoke.
My timing was off.
It's not that, but it works better as a duet...
- with a tenor. - I'll do it.
Dick.
- I'll do it. - Great.
See you tomorrow.
Why are you doing this?
- Because I want to. - Yeah?
You can't fake this. You'd better practice.
Come in.
There's a...
young lady here to see you.
- Hey, Nadia. - James. Ready to study?
Always. He's a real bookworm.
- Dad. - I mean...
not one of those nerdy guys...
Dad!
I'll let you two hit the books.
Want a beer?
There we go.
Come on, move!
Steve!
It's my computer and I want to use it!
Shut up.
You need to change, right?
- Do you mind? - No, not at all.
Just go ahead and get un-... get changed.
I'll go downstairs and start...
studying up.
All right.
There he goes.
Now we're in business.
- Back in a sec. - Jimmy, honey...
Here she is.
I miss anything?
No,...
you're just in time.
This is incredible.
Oh, my God!
This is too much.
You see? There that goes.
God bless the Internet.
- Take it off. - Oh, my God!
Thank you, God, for this wonderful day.
Man, she takes her vitamins.
Stop hyperventilating.
This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
I know.
This was one of Stifler's best ideas ever.
She's touching my stuff.
Why is she doing that?
- Let her touch. - She's in my stuff.
Nadia can touch anything she wants.
Nice collection, Jim.
She's going to leave.
She's lying down. She's not leaving.
She reads the articles.
Is she...?
She's going downstairs.
Oh, my God!
Jackpot, baby!
Unbelievable.
I have an announcement. There's a gorgeous woman...
masturbating on my bed!
- Thank you, Nadia. - If you...
ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.
What am I supposed to do?
Seduce her.
What would I say?
Go and ask her if she needs an extra hand.
That's stupid.
You're stupid if you don't go!
Get over there!
She's primed!
- Get out of here! - She's waiting.
Okay, I'm going.
- Go. - I'm going!
- Go, go, go! - Shit!
Hey, Mom, Dad.
Oh, boy. Oh, God. Oh, crap.
Hello?
Jim addressed the E-mail wrong.
What?
It went to every mailbox in the East High Directory.
God, how juvenile.
Hey, guys.
Check this out. Oh, my God!
Please, God,...
let this be it.
Please.
Someone's coming in.
That's what you need to do.
He's in my trig class.
Looks like you need an extra hand.
Oh, God!
Shame on you.
Shame on me. I'm so sorry.
- I'll just go. - Well,...
you have seen me.
Now it's my turn to see you.
Strip.
- Strip? - Slowly.
You mean like...
strip-strip?
For me?
What are they talking about?
No idea.
People are viewing, Jim. Get to business.
Perfect.
- Move, James! - Yeah, I'm moving.
Go, trig boy, it's your birthday!
- Oh, no! - Please, God.
That's bad.
What happened?
Get in the mix!
That is disgusting.
What the fuck is this?
Cut it out.
Freak.
He did not take out that chair.
Yeah, he did.
More, you bad boy!
Yeah, I'm bad.
I'm naughty, baby.
Oh, God!
Now...
come to me.
Here we go.
He's in.
This got a lot better.
Be gentle.
Okay.
- He got off. - Houston, we have a problem.
What did he do?
He blew it.
I guess I'll go now.
No, I'm not done, Nadia.
I have reserves.
Nadia, please, I'm begging you.
Well, I do like your dirty magazines.
You do? Okay, well,...
did you see this one?
This one is more...
exotic, risque.
- Here's the porn. - He's desperate.
Wait till she leaves.
Very arousing women.
They arouse me. But...
they're not as arousing as you.
- All right! - Yeah!
He's re-engaging!
So, "shaved"...
is the expression?
Holy shit!
Touch me, Jim.
Here.
Again?
Not again.
Not again, man.
Is that possible?
What a loser.
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs,
There you were,
With sweet love and devotion,,,
deeply touching my emotion,
I just want to stop,,,
and thank you, baby,
Hey, minuteman.
Shut up. You're supposed to be supportive.
Think you still got a chance with Nadia?
No.
Her sponsors saw her on the Net and didn't like it.
How do you know?
She's on a plane back home.
Maybe I'm just not good with girls, period.
Like I was born without that part of my brain.
When I talk to girls, I screw it up.
Come prom, excuses will do you no good.
One time, at band camp,...
we couldn't have pillow fights, but we did.
It was so much fun.
This one time we lost our music and were supposed to...
play this song, but we didn't know it.
So we just made it up...
and kept playing and playing.
The conductor didn't know what we were doing. It was so funny.
You pissed about something?
When I'm angry, I play Bach on my flute.
Very relaxing. I learned at band camp.
Hold on.
You have no idea why I'm angry?
We have a test tomorrow?
I get cranky when I have a test...
to study for.
Yeah. That's pretty much it.
I thought so. One time, at band camp...
What's your name?
- Michelle. - Okay.
Will you be my prom date?
You seriously want to go with me?
Yes, seriously.
Can we go to Stifler's after? That would be so cool.
Sure, whatever you want.
Cool. We'll have such a good time. Like this one time...
at band camp, we all had a campfire...
Hi.
- How'd you know I was here? - Stifler told me.
You talked to Stifler?
I needed to find you.
We have to work on that song.
Okay.
I'm glad you came.
So, you work nights?
- Dad's the manager. - Really? Cool.
Tell him the subs are great.
- Going to Michigan next year? - Yeah.
My parents went me to go to Northwestern...
but I don't want to do those extra essays.
How do I know what my most "emotional significant" moment was?
So when U of M acceptance came in...
I said the hell with it.
- Onions? - What?
Do you want onions?
No, thank you.
What are you majoring in?
State has a good business school.
And a lacrosse team.
You got it figured out then?
Business is okay, and lacrosse awesome, but...
what would I be, a professional lacrosse player?
I have no idea.
Thank God. I thought I was the only one.
You're not.
We'll be close next year.
- In East Lansing and Ann Arbor? - Yeah.
What?
I can't go to the prom with you. I'm holding out for someone else.
You got to be kidding.
It's a long shot but, Paul Finch might ask me.
Finch.
Shitbreak.
Oh, gosh, I forgot.
You look okay.
The scars healed...
really well.
- Hey, Stifler. - Eat shit.
What's going on?
He's embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass.
Who told you that?
"No comment"? Do you two hook up?
What? No.
How did all this get started?
I can tell you now.
His reputation isn't going anywhere. Cheese, please.
Finch comes to me and says:
"I need your help." Blah, blah, blah.
So I say: "Pay me $200 and...
I'll tell girls you're dynamite in bed." So he did...
and I did.
That actually works?
Of course. And I embellished a little bit.
Hear he had an affair with an older woman?
I didn't hear that one.
That one was my favorite.
That cheerleader wants me, baby.
She wants my phone number.
How sweet it is to be loved by you,
Oh, my God, you're gay!
Come on, sing it with me.
You've been singing that shit all week.
Try that at M.S.U. Saturday...
I'll kick your ass.
Our last game is Saturday.
No shit.
I have an important lacrosse game, our last game.
Central almost beat us last time. I want to kick their ass.
But the game's at State...
so afterwards I can stop by.
You can't sing in the competition.
- I'm sorry, I blew it. - That's okay.
You do what makes you happy.
Okay.
Thanks for understanding.
I guess I'll see you later.
You seen Shitbreak?
What did you do to him?
Me? Nothing.
He kicked my ass.
But...
I'll tell you one thing.
He'll have no problem shitting.
I put a little something in his mochaccino.
Oh, God!
Jeez!
Right this way, sir.
Oh, God!
Come on.
It'll be fun.
There'll be a crappy band and stupid decorations.
You say that because you don't have a date.
No, I don't want a date.
Finch is going stag and...
so am I.
God, he's so...
refined.
Could that older woman thing be true?
It's true. It was Stifler's mom.
Joanie, was that you?
Can't hold it.
Yeah!
Kev, we've come a long way...
- since Homecoming. - Yeah, we have.
Maybe it's time we start to express ourselves...
in new ways.
Yeah.
You want to do it?
Yeah.
I love you.
It's your turn.
That's not what I was thinking.
Sex.
It's always about sex.
It's not always about sex.
I just thought it was about sex this time.
Look, Vicky,...
love is a term that gets thrown around.
People don't mean it.
I want it to be more than words.
I want it to be...
Perfect.
Exactly.
- Ready, Albert? - No problemo.
I close my eyes at night,
Come on, Heather, work with me.
Goal number 8, Ostreicher,
That-a-boy, Ozzy!
Yeah, baby!
Let's go, fellas!
Focus on the music. Let the music be my guide.
That would be a start.
Goal number four,,,,
Steve Stifler,
Huddle up, guys. Huddle up.
Come on, okay.
Okay, okay.
- Good hustle, guys. - Good hustle.
But you can still lose.
You saw what happened to Oz out there.
I don't want to see...
any of you thinking you're going to score.
You don't score...
- until you score. - Till you score.
That's right!
It all boils down to today.
For you seniors, this marks the culmination...
- of the past 4 years! - Culmination.
I want you to think about what this means to you.
Want to look back at your days at East...
and know that you used the time you had?
Hell, yeah!
You do!
Good attitude, Ostreicher.
Good luck, fellas.
I didn't tell you to leave the game.
Sorry, Coach.
You got someplace more important to be?
Yeah.
Ostreicher!
- Oz? - Fuckface?
- Oh, great. - What about the game?
I'm not playing.
You're missing it for us?
No, I'm missing it for you.
- I don't do the duet then? - Albert, you suck.
He's not coming back.
Close my eyes at night,,,
wondering were I'd be without you in my life,
Everything I did was just a bore,
Everywhere I went seems I've been there before,
Butyou brighten up for me all my days,,,
with a love so sweet,,,
in so many ways,
I just want to stop,,,
and thank you, baby,
I just want to stop,
Thank you, baby,
How sweet it is to be loved by you,
Yeah, Oz!
You fucking rule!
Fucking rule!
Maybe the words aren't important.
I know he cares about me.
say it, he does.
He always talks about sex, but he's a guy, right?
- If he got a dick, he's a guy. - Right.
Is this translation right?
"Go home, bird teacher, I've had enough"?
Don't know. I got if from Kevin.
So,...
did it hurt?
What?
You know, sex.
Does it hurt?
Yeah, the first time you do it, it...
hurts. But then you...
do it again...
and again. It starts to...
feel good. Really good.
Okay. So, say I don't do it.
Then I go to college.
I could end up doing it with a guy who's a jerk.
True.
I wish I'd had done it with Kevin.
So, go do it with Kevin.
You think?
Yeah, you're ready.
You're a woman.
You're ready for sex.
- You're right. - I know.
- I'm going to go have sex. - Now.
- And it'll be perfect. - Perfect sex.
Thanks, Jessica.
Please.
I want to have sex.
Now?
Prom.
You're excited about the big night.
Thrilled.
Who's the lucky girl?
She must be very special.
She's special, all right.
She must be, if you picked her out.
I'm just going to say one thing before you leave.
I want you to be...
very, very careful...
when you're putting on...
the corsage.
Okay, Dad.
- Promise me. - I promise.
At band camp we have dances like this...
only they're way funner.
Status check.
Where do you stand? Finch, we know where you are.
But you can't use that excuse.
My date is a flute-toting band dork.
Does that answer your question?
Is this vocal jazz shit going to pay off, or what?
Kevin, what's with the attitude?
Attitude? Me?
You guys should be more enthusiastic.
This is the night we've been waiting for.
You can't back out.
You don't need us to get laid. Are you afraid?
No.
But we made a pact.
You can't break it.
You'll just have to...
Have to what?
I don't have to do shit!
I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit pressure.
I never had sex and already I can't stand it.
I hate sex!
I won't bust my balls over something...
that, frankly, isn't that important.
I'm going back to that geek.
She talks about something besides sex.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
At least I learned how to shit at school.
Want to dance?
Yeah.
You have no date?
I like to keep my options open. I have something for you.
A consolation prize.
Jessica, this is great.
I felt bad taking your money.
- You spend $200 on this? - No.
$50 on the flask, and $150 on the earrings.
These are...
Let me clarify you have no chance of scoring with me.
Of course not!
You and Sherman are pretty close, huh?
You met at the party?
We were up all night.
We had one of those deep conversations...
where you really get to know someone.
Deep conversation?
Is that what you call it?
What else would I call it?
Thank you, Great Falls. We're going to take a break.
You are beautiful.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt.
I thought you should know this.
Chuck Sherman is a liar.
I never had sex with him.
He's never had sex with anyone.
I know because he told me.
Once he tried to screw a grapefruit, but that's all.
And when he gets nervous, he wets his pants.
Thanks for your time.
Guess what?
I'm not interested.
Come on. The bus to Stifler's...
will be here soon.
- I'm not going. - What?
Why not?
Look,...
things didn't turn out how I wanted them to.
I don't even know what I'm doing.
I'm acting like I...
have everything together.
I know Vicky's going to ask me if I love her and...
I don't know what to say.
I'm on the brink.
I'm about to do it.
I should be psyched.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just scared.
Come on, Kev. This is the night.
We're going to a post-prom party on the lake.
We've waited 4 years for this.
Why else have we been friends with Stifler?
We were friends with Stifler?
Look,...
Sherman didn't even get laid.
He didn't?
He pissed himself.
What?
We'll tell you on the bus.
I'm going to get my bag.
My date, too, perhaps.
Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.
It reminds me of this one time...
One question. Why don't you have any stories?
I have lots, and you don't have any.
I have stories, they're just more...
risque than tales of band camp.
Are they gross? Like guy stuff? Tell me.
Okay, here's a story.
Stifler finds this beer, right?
This is the nicest room here.
Kevin, it's perfect.
You're going to fuck, aren't you?
Fuckers! Fuckers!
- Out. - Come on.
Get out.
Aw, man!
- I have to tell you something. - What?
It's going to sound bad, but I want you to know.
See,...
I'm a virgin.
Well, me, Kevin, Jim and Frank...
made this pact that we would lose our virginity...
before high school was over.
And tonight is supposed to be the night.
This isn't the best way to proposition me.
That's not what I mean.
What I mean is...
know what made me leave that game?
Coach was giving this...
speech about...
not slacking off when you have the opportunity to score.
This isn't any better.
No. See, Heather,...
what I realizes is that...
with you...
isn't like running toward the goal,...
looking for the best way to score.
This may sound corny, but...
I feel like I've already won.
I care about you a lot.
Oz, I know.
You called me Oz.
Well, yeah.
That's what your friends call you.
I'm one of your friends now.
And...
your girlfriend?
PLEASE KEEP OUT THANK YOU
Are you lost?
Stifler's mom.
No, not lost. Just...
taking the tour.
Thank you for letting us have this wonderful...
- party. - I had no alternative.
Are you enjoying yourself?
I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am.
I'm so happy. It does take the edge off, doesn't it?
Where's your little date?
No date. There...
was a bathroom incident.
Pardon me?
Never mind.
Have anything to drink?
The kegs are upstairs.
That's what the cretins drink.
I mean alcohol, liquor.
The good stuff.
All right.
I have some Scotch.
Single malt?
Aged 18 years.
The way I like it.
Go get a glass from the bar.
I think I will.
Allow me.
It's a bitchin' party.
comes through.
Then he puked his brains out.
- What a nasty story. - I told you.
Want to hear a nasty story of mine? It's sort of sexual.
Yeah, let's hear it.
Well, this one time at band camp...
we played this game.
I don't know if you know it. It's called "Spin the Bottle".
I had to kiss this guy Marc Wander on the lips.
He plays trombone.
How do you want to be?
How do you want to do it?
I don't know.
How do you?
Like... normal style.
The missionary position.
Okay.
I want to hear you say it.
Okay.
I love you.
Here.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Go slow.
So...
the end is you had to kiss the guy for 20 seconds?
Yes! And he was such a dork.
Everyone laughed at me, but it was really so funny.
I get it.
And once, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
What?
You think I don't know how to get off?
That's what half of band camp is. Sex ed.
Will we screw soon? I'm getting kind of antsy.
This'll do.
I have 2 rubbers. Wear both.
They'll desensitize you.
I don't want you coming early.
What makes you think I do that?
I saw you on the Net. Why do you think I accepted?
You're a sure thing.
Yes, I am.
So I said:
"This is very obviously a Piero della Francesca."
So...
would you object if I said you're quite striking?
Mr. Finch,...
are you trying to seduce me?
Yes, ma'am, I am.
You're dead.
- I had no idea you'd be this good. - Me, either.
Oh, Stifler's mom!
Let's go.
What's my name?
Say my name, bitch!
Oh, God.
That was a great night, huh?
Yeah.
I can't believe we had our senior prom.
I know.
It went by so fast.
Yeah, it did.
Next year you going to Ann Arbor...
and me to Ithaca.
It's not going to work.
Don't say that.
We can make it work.
It'll be perfect.
No, Kevin.
- But... - See,...
that's what I've been realizing.
Nothing is perfect.
You can't plan everything.
Well, I guess...
you'll be pretty far away.
We'll be on our own, meeting new people.
Last night, though...
I wasn't lying.
I know.
She's gone.
My God, she used me.
I was used.
Cool.
Why is this door locked? Mom, where...?
Mom?
- Shitbreak? - Hey, Stifler.
I have to say...
women...
like a fine wine, only improve with age.
Of course, I have no basis for comparison, but...
it was good.
You almost made it?
We had a great night together.
Hang in there, buddy.
You'll get there.
You know what? I think we're falling in love.
This is great. That's awesome.
Know what the coolest thing is?
This. Right now.
After this, everything will be different.
After getting laid?
After high school.
Here's to the next step.
To the next step.
Sweetheart?