There's an old joke.
Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort.
One says, "The food at this place is really terrible."
The other says, "l know, and such small portions."
That's essentially how l feel about life:
full of loneliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness...
and it's all over much too quickly.
The other important joke for me...
is one usually attributed to Groucho Marx...
but it appears originally in Freud's Wit and lts Relation to the Unconscious.
lt goes like this, l'm paraphrasing:
l never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.
That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women.
Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind...
because l turned 40, and l guess l'm going through a life crisis.
l'm not worried about aging. l'm not one of those characters.
But l'm balding slightly on top. That's about the worst you can say about me.
l think l'm going to get better as l get older.
l think l'm going to be the balding, virile type...
as opposed to the distinguished gray.
Unless l'm neither of those two.
Unless l'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth...
who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag, screaming about socialism.
Annie and l broke up, and l still can't get my mind around that.
l keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind...
examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screwup come.
A year ago we were in love.
lt's funny. l'm not a morose type. l'm not a depressive character.
l was a reasonably happy kid.
l was brought up in Brooklyn during World War ll.
He's been depressed.
- Suddenly he can't do anything. - Why are you depressed, Alvy?
Tell Dr. Flicker. lt's something he read.
Something he read, huh?
- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding?
The universe is everything, and if it's expanding...
someday it will break apart, and that will be the end of everything.
What is that your business? He stopped doing his homework!
- What's the point? - What's the universe got to do with it?
You're here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is not expanding!
lt won't be expanding for billions of years!
We've got to try and enjoy ourselves while we're here! Huh?
My analyst says l exaggerate my childhood memories...
but l swear l was brought up underneath the roller coaster...
in the Coney lsland section of Brooklyn.
Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous.
l have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little.
l have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
My father ran the bumper-car concession.
There he is, and there l am.
l used to get my aggression out through those cars.
l remember the staff at our public school.
We had a saying, "Those who can't do, teach...
and those who can't teach, teach gym."
And those who couldn't do anything, l think, were assigned to our school.
l must say, l always thought my schoolmates were idiots.
Melvyn Greenglass and his fat little face.
And Henrietta Farrell, Miss Perfect all the time.
And lvan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always!
Seven and three is nine.
Even then l knew they were just jerks.
ln 1942 l had already discovered women.
He kissed me!
That's the second time this month! Step up here.
- What did l do? - Step up here.
- What did l do? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
Why? l was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds.
l did.
For God sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period!
l never had a latency period. l can't help it.
Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?
There was a model boy.
Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.
l run a profitable dress company.
Sometimes l wonder where my classmates are today.
l'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
l sell talliths.
l used to be a heroin addict, now l'm a methadone addict.
l'm into leather.
l lost track of most of my old schoolmates, but l wound up a comedian.
They did not take me in the army.
l was 4-P.
ln the event of war, l'm a hostage.
You always only saw the worst in people.
You never could get along with anyone in school.
You were always out of step with the world.
Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world.
l distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
- You're crazy. - No, l'm not.
We were walking off the tennis court. He was there and me and his wife.
He looked her, then they both looked at me...
and under his breath he said, "Jew."
You're a total paranoid.
How am l a paranoid? l pick up on those kind of things.
l was having lunch with guys from NBC, so l said, "Did you eat yet?"
Tom Christie said, "No. Jew?" Not "Did you?"
Not "Did you eat?" but "Jew eat?" You get it?
- Max-- - Stop calling me Max.
Why? lt's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
No, l don't. l was in a record store. Listen to this.
There's this tall, blond crew-cutted guy and he's looking at me in a funny way.
He's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner."
Wagner, Max. l know what he's trying to tell me.
Very significantly, Wagner.
Right, Max. California, Max.
- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it.
We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there.
You keep bringing it up, but l don't want to live in a city...
where the only cultural advantage is you can make a right turn on a red light.
All right, forget it. Aren't you going to be late for meeting Annie?
l'm meeting her in front of the Beekman. l have a few minutes left, right?
Are you on television?
Yeah, occasionally.
What's your name?
You wouldn't know it. lt doesn't matter.
You're on Johnny Carson, right?
Once in a while.
What's your name?
- l'm Robert Redford. - Come on!
Alvy Singer. Thanks very much for everything.
This is Alvy Singer!
This guy's on television. Alvy Singer, right? Am l right?
- Give me a break. - This guy's on television.
l need the large polo mallet.
-Who's on television? -This guy, on the Johnny Carson Show.
- ls this a meeting of the teamsters? - What program?
- Can l have your autograph? - You don't want my autograph.
l do! lt's for my girlfriend.
Make it out to Ralph.
- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - lt's for my brother.
You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star?
- Alvy Singer over here! - lt's all right, fellas.
Jesus, what did you do? Come by way of the Panama Canal?
-l'm in a bad mood. -l'm here with the Godfather cast.
-Learn to deal with it. -l'm dealing with two guys named Cheech.
Please, l have a headache.
You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period.
l'm not getting my period! Jesus!
Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think l have my period.
A little louder. l think one of them may have missed it.
- Has the picture started? - Two minutes ago.
That's it. Forget it. l can't go in.
- Two minutes. - We've blown it already.
l can't go in, in the middle.
ln the middle? We've only missed the titles. They're in Swedish.
You want to get coffee for two hours?
- Two hours? No. l'm going in. - Go ahead. Good-bye.
While we're talking, we could be inside.
Can we not argue in front of everybody? l get embarrassed.
- All right. So what do you want to do? - l don't know. Go to another movie?
-Let's see The Sorrow and the Pity. -We've seen it.
l'm not in the mood to see a four hour documentary on Nazis.
l'm sorry.
l've got to see a picture exactly from start to finish, 'cause l'm anal.
That's a polite word for what you are.
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. lt is not one of his best.
lt lacks a cohesive structure.
You get the feeling he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.
l've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker.
Granted La Strada was a great film.
Great in its use of negative imagery more than anything else.
- l'm going to have a stroke. - Stop listening to him.
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
All that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon.
l found it incredibly indulgent.
He really is one of the most indulgent of filmmakers.
Key word here is "indulgent."
- What are you depressed about? - l missed my therapy. l overslept.
How can you possibly oversleep?
The alarm clock.
You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?
l know. Because of our sexual problem, right?
Everybody in line has to know our rate of intercourse?
lt's like Samuel Beckett.
l admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.
- l'd like to hit him on a gut level. - Stop it.
He's spitting on my neck when he talks.
You know something else? You're so egocentric that...
if l miss my therapy you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you!
They're probably on their first date.
Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books.
"Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman...
who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy."
What do you mean "our sexual problem"?
l'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
l'm sorry. My sexual problem. Okay? My sexual problem!
l never read that. That was Henry James' sequel to Turn of the Screw?
lt's the influence of television.
Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high intensity.
Do you understand? A hot medium.
What l wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it.
What do you do when you get stuck on a movie line with a guy like this?
Wait. Why can't l give my opinion? lt's a free country!
He can. Do you have to give it so loud?
Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that?
The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan.
l happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media and Culture."
l think my insights into Mr. McLuhan have a great deal of validity.
Do you? That's funny, because l happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here.
Just let me-- Come over here. Tell him.
l heard what you were saying.
You know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.
How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing!
lf life were only like this.
June 14, 1940. The German army occupies Paris.
All over the country, people are desperate for food.
Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave.
To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
l know. Sometimes l ask myself how l'd stand up under torture.
You? You kidding?
The Gestapo would take away your charge card, and you'd tell 'em everything.
That movie makes me feel guilty.
lt's supposed to.
- Alvy, l-- - What?
What's the matter?
lt's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together.
lt's been a long time!
lt's just, l mean--
l've got to sing tomorrow night, so l have to rest my voice.
lt's always some kind of an excuse. You used to think l was very sexy.
When we first started going out, we had sex constantly.
We're probably listed in The Guiness Book of World Records.
lt'll pass. l'm going through a phase, that's all.
You've been married before. You know how things can get.
You were very hot for Allison at first.
You know that you're on right after Chris Brown, in about 20 minutes.
Excuse me. When do l go on?
Who are you?
Alvy Singer.
- l'm the comedian. - Oh, comedian.
Oh, you're on next.
What do you mean "next"?
You're on right after this act.
- lt can't be, because he's a comic. - Yes.
- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not?
No, l'm sorry. l'm not going to go on after another comedian.
- lt's okay. - No. They're laughing. l'd rather not.
Will you relax, please? They're going to love you.
l know. l prefer not to. Look, they're laughing at him.
What are you telling me? They'll laugh at him a few minutes.
Then l've got to get laughs, too. How much can they laugh?
- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right?
Jesus.
- What's your name? - Allison.
Yeah? Allison what?
Portchnik.
- Portchnik? That's nice. - Thank you.
So, you work for Stevenson all the time?
- No. l'm doing my thesis. - On what?
Political commitment in 20th-century literature.
You're like New York Jewish, left-wing, intellectual...
Central Park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps...
and the father with the Ben Shahn drawings...
really strike-oriented--
Stop me before l make a complete imbecile of myself.
That was wonderful! l love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
Right. l'm a bigot, but for the left.
l have to go out there. Say something encouraging, quickly.
- l think you're cute. - Yeah? Do you?
Go ahead.
l don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally...
'cause l'm not essentially a political comedian.
l interestingly had dated a woman...
in the Eisenhower administration, briefly.
lt was ironic to me...
'cause l was trying to do to her...
what Eisenhower's been doing to the country for the last eight years.
l'm sorry. l can't go through with this.
l can't get it off my mind! lt's obsessing me!
l'm getting tired of it. l need your attention.
But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository...
and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound.
So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once?
lt doesn't make sense!
l'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough...
to hit a moving target at that range.
But if there was a second assassin--
- That's it! - We've been through this.
They recovered the shells from that rifle.
What are you saying now?
That everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?
Why not?
- Earl Warren? - Honey, l don't know Earl Warren.
Lyndon Johnson?
Lyndon Johnson is a politician!
You know the ethics those guys have. lt's a notch underneath child molester.
Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.
The FBl and the ClA and J. Edgar Hoover, the oil companies...
the Pentagon, the men's-room attendant at the White House?
l would leave out the men's-room attendant.
You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
Oh, my God! She's right.
Why did l turn off Allison Portchnik?
She was beautiful. She was willing. She was real intelligent.
ls it the old Groucho Marx joke...
that l don't want to belong to any club that would have me for a member?
- Alvy, don't panic! - lt's a mistake...
to bring a live thing in the house.
Don't do that.
Maybe we should call the police. Dial 911. lt's the lobster squad.
They're only baby ones. For God sakes.
- lf they're babies, you pick them up. - All right! All right!
- Here you go! - Don't give it to me.
Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator.
lt'll turn up in our bed at night. Get out of here with that thing!
Talk to him. You speak shellfish.
Hey, put it in the pot.
l can't. l can't put a live thing in hot water.
What d'you think we were going to do, take him to the movies?
Good. Oh, thank you.
Okay, it's in. lt's definitely in the pot.
Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator.
l can't get it out. This thing's heavy.
Maybe if l put a dish of butter sauce here, it'll run out the other side.
l'm going to get my camera.
l think if l could pry--
We should have gotten steaks, 'cause they don't have legs and run around.
- Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please. - You're going to take pictures now?
Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely!
- lt's disgusting. - One more, please? One more.
Good!
Here's what l want to know. Am l your first, big romance?
- Who was? - There was Dennis from high school.
Local kid who'd meet you in front of the movie house on Saturday night?
- You should've seen how l looked then. - l can imagine. An astronaut's wife.
- Then there was Jerry, the actor. - Look at you.
You're such a clown.
- l look pretty. - You always do. But that guy with you!
Acting is like an exploration of the soul. lt's very religious.
Like a kind of liberating consciousness.
lt's like a visual poem.
ls he kidding with that crap?
Oh, right!
Right. l think l know exactly what you mean when you say "religious."
- You do? - Come on. l was younger.
That was last year!
lt's like when l think of dying. You know how l'd like to die?
How?
l'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
- Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels. - He was a terrific actor.
He's neat looking and he was emotional.
l don't think you like emotion too much.
Touch my heart with your foot.
l may throw up.
- He was creepy. - Yeah!
- You're pretty lucky l came along. - Oh, really? La-de-dah!
lf anyone ever told me that l'd be taking out a girl...
who used expressions like "la-de-dah"--
That's right. You really like those New York girls.
- Not just. Not only. - l'd say so. You married two of them.
There's Henry Drucker.
He has a Chair in History at Princeton.
The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a Chair in Philosophy at Cornell.
Two more chairs, they got a dining room set.
- Why are you so hostile? - l want to watch the Knicks on TV.
ls that Paul Goodman? No.
Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book.
Hi, Doug. Douglas Wyeth...
The Foul Rag-and-Bone Shop of the Heart.
l'm so tired of spending evenings...
making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.
Commentary.
l heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.
No jokes. These are friends. Okay?
Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New York Knicks.
Here you are. There's people out there.
Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead 14 points...
and now they're ahead two points.
Alvy, what is so fascinating...
about a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?
What is fascinating is that it's physical.
That's one thing about intellectuals:
They've proved you can be brilliant and have no idea what's going on.
But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie as we now know.
Stop acting out.
lt'll be great, because all those Ph.D.s are in there discussing...
modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Don't. You're using sex to express hostility.
"Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories,"...
he said as he removed her brassier.
There are people out there from the New Yorker magazine!
My God! What would they think?
- Damn siren! - Don't get upset.
Damn it! l was so close!
Last night it was a guy honking his car horn.
The city can't close down.
You want them to close the airport so we can have sex?
l'm too tense. l need a Valium.
My analyst says l should live in the country and not in New York.
We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous.
You've got crickets. lt's quiet. There's no place to walk after dinner.
There's the screens with the dead moths behind them.
You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Perry.
Okay! My analyst just thinks l'm too tense! Where's the goddamn Valium?
Okay, it's quiet now. We can get started again.
l can't! My head is throbbing.
- You got a headache? - l have a headache!
- Bad? - Like Oswald in Ghosts.
- Jesus. - Where are you going?
l'm going to take another in a series of cold showers.
Max, my serve is going to send you to the showers early.
Right. To get back to what we were discussing.
The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism.
Max, the city is terribly run.
l'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin.
That's a convenient out. When some group disagrees with you, it's anti-Semitism.
The rest of the country looks upon New York...
like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers.
l think of us that way sometimes, and l live here.
Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad.
Sun, milk, red meat, college.
Egad, here he comes.
You know Alvy? This is Janet.
- This is Annie Hall. - This is Alvy.
- Who's playing with who here? - You and me against them?
- That's not fair. - l can't play too good.
l've had four lessons.
Well...
bye.
- You play very well. - Oh, yeah? So do you!
God, what a dumb thing to say.
You say "You play well," and right away l have to say, "You play well."
Oh, God, Annie.
Well. Oh, well!
La-de-dah.
You want a lift?
Oh, why? You got a car?
No, l was going to take a cab.
Oh, no. l have a car.
You have a car?
lf you have a car...
then why did you say, "Do you have a car" like you wanted a lift?
Geez, l don't know. l wasn't--
l got this VW out there.
What a jerk.
Would you like a lift?
- Sure. Which way are you going? - Me? Oh, downtown.
l'm going uptown.
Oh, l'm going uptown, too.
- You said you were going downtown. - Yeah, well--
l can go uptown, too. l live uptown.
What the hell? lt would be nice having company. l hate driving alone.
How long do you know Janet? Where do you know her from?
- l'm in her acting class. - You're an actress!
Well, l do commercials, sort of.
You want to watch the road? You're not from New York, right?
- Chippewa Falls. - Right.
- Where? - Wisconsin.
- You're driving a tad rapidly. - Don't worry. l'm a very good driver.
- You want some gum? - No, thanks.
- Where is it? - Don't do that. No, no, watch the road.
l'll get it. Concentrate, will ya?
- l'll get you a piece. - Listen. You drive?
Do l drive? No, l got a problem with driving.
- You do? - Yeah.
l got a license, but l have too much hostility.
Nice car. You keep it nice.
- Can l ask you, is this a sandwich? - Oh, yeah.
l live over here. Oh, my God, look! There's a parking space.
That's okay, we can walk to the curb from here.
You want your tennis stuff? You want your gear?
Yeah. That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Well.
Well.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
You're a wonderful tennis player...
and you're the worst driver l've ever seen in my life.
Anyplace. Europe. Anyplace. Asia.
- l love what you're wearing. - You do? Yeah.
This tie is a present from Grammy Hall.
Who? Grammy Hall?
Yeah, my grammy.
What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? Your grammy?
- lt's pretty silly, isn't it? - My grammy never gave gifts.
She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Well, thank you again.
Oh, yeah.
Listen. You want to come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something?
No, l mean you don't have to. You're probably late and everything.
No, that would be fine. l wouldn't mind. Sure.
l got time. l got nothing until my analyst appointment.
You see an analyst?
- Just for 15 years. - 15 years?
l'm going to give him one more year, and then l'm going to Lourdes.
15? Nah, come on! Yeah? Really?
Sylvia Plath. lnteresting poetess whose tragic suicide...
was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality.
Right. l don't know. l mean, some of her poems seem neat.
Neat? l hate to tell you this is 1975.
"Neat" went out at the turn of the century.
Who are those photos on the wall?
Oh, you see...
that's my dad, that's Father, and that's my brother, Duane.
Yeah, right. And over there's Grammy Hall.
- And that's Sadie. - Who's Sadie?
Well, Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother, George.
George was real sweet. He had that thing.
What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence?
- Narcolepsy. - Right.
So anyway, George went to the union to get his free turkey...
because the union always gave George this free turkey at Christmastime...
because he was shell-shocked in the first World War.
Anyway, so George is standing in line...
getting his free turkey...
but the thing is he falls asleep, and he never wakes up.
So he's dead.
He's dead. Yeah.
Oh, dear.
Well, terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say?
Pretty awful.
lt's a great story, though. lt really made my day.
l think l should get out of here, 'cause l think l'm imposing.
Really? Maybe--
- You don't have to. - But l'm all perspired and everything.
Didn't you take a shower at the club?
No, no. l never shower in a public place.
Why not?
l don't like to get naked in front of another man.
l see.
l don't like to show my body to a man of my gender.
- l see, l guess. - You never know what's going to happen.
- 15 years, huh? - 15 years, yeah.
God bless.
Well! Well--
You're what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew."
Thank you.
She hates Jews. She thinks they just make money.
But she's the one, is she ever. l'm telling you.
So, did you do those photographs in there?
l dabble? Listen to me. What a jerk. Yeah, l sort of dabble around, you know.
You are a great-looking girl. They're wonderful. They have a quality.
He probably thinks l'm a yo-yo. Well, l would like to take a serious photography course.
Photography's interesting because...
l wonder what she looks like naked. it's a new art form. A set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet.
l'm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. You mean whether it's a good photo or not?
l don't know what l'm saying. She senses l'm shallow. The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself.
God, l hope he doesn't turn out to be a schmuck like the others. Well, to me-- l mean-- lt's all instinctive.
l just try to feel it, to get a sense of it and not think about it so much.
Christ, l sound like FM radio. Relax. Still, you need aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective.
l don't know. l mean, l guess you must be sort of late.
You know, l've got to get there and begin whining soon.
Are you busy Friday night?
Me? Oh, no.
Oh, l'm sorry, l have something. What about Saturday night?
Nothing. No, no.
You're very popular, l can see.
- l know. - You have plague?
l meet a lot of jerks.
l meet a lot of jerks, too.
l'm thinking about getting some cats.
Wait a second! No, no! Oh, shoot!
Saturday night, l'm going to sing.
You're going to sing? You sing? No kidding!
- This is my first time. - Really? Where?
l'd like to come.
- l'm interested. - No, no. l'm just a--
l'm auditioning at this club. lt's my first time.
That's okay, 'cause l know exactly what that's like.
You're going to like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun.
lt had to be you
l wandered around And finally found
This somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me be blue
And even be glad
Just to be sad
Thinking of you
l was awful! l'm so ashamed! l can't sing.
So the audience was a tad restless.
What do you mean, "a tad restless"? My God, they hated me!
No, they didn't. You have a wonderful voice.
- l'm going to quit. - l'm not going to let you.
- You have a great voice. - Do you think so, really?
- Yeah! lt's terrific. - l never even took a lesson either.
- Listen, give me a kiss. - Really?
Why not? Because we're just going to go home later.
There's going to be all that tension. We've never kissed before.
l'll never know when to make the right move.
We'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. Okay?
We'll digest our food better.
Okay? Now we can digest our food.
Corned beef, please.
l'm having pastrami on white bread...
with mayonnaise, tomatoes and lettuce.
So, your second wife left you.
Were you depressed about that?
Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't cure.
- Your first wife, Allison. - She was nice.
That was my fault. l was too crazy.
That was so nice! That was nice.
As Balzac said, "There goes another novel."
You were great.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
- Yeah, l'm wrecked. - You're wrecked.
l mean it. l'll never play the piano again.
lt was, l don't know. You really thought it was good?
Good? Yes. No, that was the most fun l've had without laughing.
Here, you want some?
No, l don't use any major hallucinogenics.
l took a puff about five years ago at a party...
and tried to take my pants off over my head.
l don't do it very often. lt just sort of relaxes me.
- You won't believe this, but-- - What?
l'm going to buy you these books...
because l think you should read them instead of that cat book.
That's pretty serious stuff.
l'm obsessed with death, l think.
lt's a big subject with me. l have a pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're going to go out.
l feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories.
The horrible would be like terminal cases and blind people, cripples.
l don't know how they get through life. lt's amazing to me.
And the miserable is everyone else.
So when you go through life, be thankful that you're miserable.
You're very lucky to be miserable.
Look at that guy. There's Mr. Miami Beach in the pink.
He's just come back from the gin rummy finals.
He placed third.
Look at these guys. That's hilarious. They're back from Fire lsland.
They're sort of giving it a chance romantically.
- ltalian, right? - Him? He's the Mafia.
Linen supply business or cement and contracting.
Oh, gee, mess up my moustache wax.
There's the winner of the Truman Capote look-alike contest.
You are unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are.
You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse.
What does that mean? l don't know what that is.
You're exceptional in bed...
because you get pleasure in every part of your body when l touch it.
Like the tip of your nose, and if l stroke your teeth or your knee caps...
you certainly get excited.
You know what? l like you, l really do.
But do you love me? That's the key question.
l know you've only known me a short while.
l think that's sort of-- Yeah, yeah.
Do you love me?
Love is too weak a word for what-- l "lurve" you.
l "loave" you. l "luff" you, with two "f"s.
Of course l do. Don't you think l do?
l don't know.
What do you mean? You're not going to give up your own apartment, are you?
- Of course. - But why?
l'm moving in with you, that's why.
- But you have a nice apartment. - l have a tiny apartment.
- l know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative.
Bugs are--
- Entomology is a rapidly growing field. - You don't want me to live with you.
- l don't? Whose idea was it? - Mine.
lt was yours, actually.
But l approved it immediately.
You think l talked you into something.
No. We live together, we sleep together, we eat together.
Jesus, you don't want it to be like we're married, do you?
- How is it any different? - Because you keep your own apartment.
lt's there. We don't have to go to it, deal with it...
but it's like a free-floating life raft that we know that we're not married.
That little apartment is $400 a month, Alvy.
- That place is $400 a month? - Yes, it is.
lt's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus.
My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. l'll pay for it.
You don't think l'm smart enough to be serious about.
Don't be ridiculous.
Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like l was dumb?
Adult education is a wonderful thing!
You meet a lot of interesting professors. lt's stimulating.
Does this sound like a good course: "Modern American Poetry"?
Or, let's see...
maybe l should take "lntroduction to the Novel."
Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf.
What?
What do you think? Should we go to that party in South Hampton?
No, don't be silly. What do we need other people for?
We should just turn out the lights and play hide the "salam" or something.
Well, l'm going to get a cigarette, okay?
Grass, right? The illusion that it makes a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
- Have you ever made love high? - Me? No.
lf l have grass or alcohol, l get unbearably wonderful.
l get too wonderful for words.
l don't know why you have to get high every time we make love.
lt relaxes me.
You have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?
What's the difference, anyway?
l'll give you a shot of Sodium Pentothal. You can sleep through it.
Look who's talking! You've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years.
You should smoke some of this. You'd be off the couch in no time.
- Come on, you don't need that. - What are you doing?
- No, Alvy, please? - You can live without it once.
Wait, l got a great idea.
Hang in there for a second. l got a little erotic artifact...
that l brought up from the city, which l think is going to be perfect.
There. Create a little old New Orleans essence.
Now we can go about our business...
and even develop photographs if we want to.
- ls something wrong? - No, why?
l don't know. lt's like you're removed.
No, l'm fine.
Really?
l don't know. You seem sort of distant.
Let's just do it, all right?
Was it my imagination or are you just going through the motions?
Alvy, do you remember where l put my drawing pad?
Because while you two are doing that, l'm going to do some drawing.
That's what l call removed!
You have my body.
But l want the whole thing!
l need grass.
lt ruins it for me if you have grass.
l'm like a comedian, so if l get a laugh from a person who's high...
it doesn't count, 'cause they're always laughing.
Were you always funny?
ls this an interview? We're supposed to be making love.
This guy is naturally funny. l think he can write for you.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good.
Let me explain how l work. You can tell off the bat...
that l don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys.
You know they're going to tell you their stories, you're going to fall down.
But l gotta be really talented. Material's got to be sensational for me.
l work-- l'm kind of classy. Know what l mean?
Let me explain. l'll open with an opening song.
The music will start.
l walk out. Place looks wonderful from here
You folks look wonderful from here
And seeing you there With a smile on your face
Makes me shout This must be the place
l stop, and then l open with some jokes. That's where l need you.
l'll say, "l just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French.
The only word to know is 'John Dark.' lt means the light's out in the bathroom.
- l met a big lumberjack." - Jesus, this guy's pathetic.
Look at him mincing around. Boy, thinks he's real cute.
You want to throw up.
lf only l had the nerve to do my own jokes.
l don't know how much longer l can keep this smile frozen on my face.
l'm in the wrong business. l know it.
"But, cherie...
what will l do with this, eh?"
He says, "Oh, Marie, sometime you make me so mad!"
They scream at that. Write me something like that, will you?
Kind of a French number. Can you do it?
Where am l? l have to reorient myself.
This is the University of Wisconsin, right?
Because l'm always tense when l'm playing a college.
l have a bad history with colleges. l went to New York University.
And l was thrown out of NYU my freshman year...
for cheating on my metaphysics final.
l looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom...
and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
l was depressed at that time. l was in analysis.
l was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself...
but l was in analysis with a strict Freudian.
And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
Alvy, you were just great. l'm not kidding.
College audiences are wonderful.
You know what? l think l'm starting to get more of the references, too.
Are you? The 12:00 show is completely different than the 9:00.
l'm looking forward to tomorrow. lt'll be nice. You'll meet Mother and Father.
They'll hate me immediately.
No, l don't think they're going to hate you at all. Contrary.
lt's Easter. We'll sit down and eat. l think they'll really like you.
lt's a nice ham this year, Mom.
Grammy always does such a good job.
Great sauce.
lt is. lt's dynamite ham.
We went to the swap meet.
Annie, Gram and l. Got some nice picture frames.
We really had a good time.
Ann tells us you've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years.
Yes. l'm making excellent progress.
Soon, when l lie down on his couch, l won't have to wear the lobster bib.
- Duane and l went to the boat basin. - We caulked hulls all day.
And Randolph Hunt was drunk as usual.
That Randolph Hunt! You remember Randy Hunt, Annie.
- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes.
l can't believe this family.
Annie's mother is really beautiful.
And they're talking swap meets and boat basins.
The old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater.
They really look American, healthy, like they never get sick or anything.
Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water.
Ah, let him drop dead. Who needs his business?
- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? ls that an excuse?
The man is 50 years old and doesn't have a substantial job.
ls that a reason to steal from your partner?
You don't know what you're talking about.
Defend him!
Pass the brisket.
Mo Moskowitz. He had a coronary.
You don't say!
How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs. Singer?
- We fast. - Fast?
No food. You know, to atone for our sins.
What sins? l don't understand.
Neither do we.
Hi, Duane. How's it going?
- This is my room. - Oh, yeah? lt's terrific.
Can l confess something?
l tell you this, because, as an artist, l think you'll understand.
Sometimes when l'm driving...
on the road at night...
l see two headlights coming toward me, fast.
l have this impulse to turn the wheel quickly...
head-on into the oncoming car.
l can anticipate the explosion.
The sound of shattering glass.
The flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
Right.
l have to go now, Duane, because l'm due back on the planet Earth.
Don't let it be so long now.
- Look up Uncle Billy, promise. - He is adorable.
- You'll take them to the airport now? - No. Duane can.
- l haven't finished my drink. - Yes, Duane is. l'll be right--
You followed me. l can't believe it!
- l didn't follow you. - You followed me!
Because l was walking a block behind staring at you? That's not following.
- What's your definition of "following"? - Following is different. l was spying.
Do you realize how paranoid you are?
Paranoid? l'm looking at you, and you've got your arms around another guy.
That is the worst kind of paranoid!
l didn't start out spying. l thought l'd surprise you, pick you up after school.
You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? lt's your phrase.
You're having an affair with your college professor!
That jerk that teaches that crap course, "Contemporary Crisis in Western Man."
"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature." You're really close.
What's the difference? lt's all mental masturbation.
Now we're getting to a subject you know something about.
Don't knock masturbation. lt's sex with someone l love.
We're not having an affair. He's married. He happens to think l'm neat.
Are you 12 years old? That's one of your Chippewa Falls expressions.
Who cares?
Next he'll find you're keen and peachy. Then he'll have his hand on your ass.
You've had hostility towards David ever since l mentioned him.
- You call your teacher David? - lt's his name.
lt's a Biblical name, right? Does he call you Bathsheba?
Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment.
You don't think l'm smart enough. We had that argument last month...
or don't you remember that day?
- l'm home! - How'd it go?
lt was really weird, but she's a very nice woman.
l didn't have to lie on the couch. She had me sitting up.
l told her about the family and my feelings towards men...
and my relationship with my brother.
Then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?
l'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on.
She said l was guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children.
Then, l remembered, when l was a kid, l accidentally saw my parents making love.
All this happened the first hour? That's amazing.
l've been going for 15 years. l don't have nothing like that.
l told her my dream, and then l cried.
You cried. l've never once cried. That's fantastic to me.
l whine. l sit and l whine.
ln my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face...
and l can't breathe.
He's strangling me.
Sure, because he's a singer, and you're a singer. lt's perfect.
You're trying to suffocate yourself. lt makes perfect sense.
That's a perfect analytic insight.
She said your name was Alvy Singer.
- What do you mean, me? - Yeah, you.
Because in the dream, l break Sinatra's glasses.
You never said Sinatra had glasses. Are you saying l'm suffocating you?
God, l did this really terrible thing to him...
because then when he sang, it was in this real high-pitch voice.
- What'd the doctor say? - l should come five times a week.
l don't think l mind analysis at all. The question is, will it change my wife?
- Will it change your wife? - Will it change my life?
- But you said "wife." - No, l said "life."
- No, you said "wife." - "Life!" l said "life."
She said "wife." You heard that, because you were there. l'm not crazy.
Then l told her l didn't think you'd ever take me seriously...
because you don't think l'm smart enough.
Why do you bring that up? Because l encourage you to take adult education?
lt's a wonderful thing. You meet wonderful, interesting professors.
Adult education is junk. The professors are phony. How can you do it?
l don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher.
And why are you following me around? We should call this relationship quits.
That's fine. That's great. l don't know what l did wrong.
Somewhere she cooled off to me. ls it something that l did?
lt's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades.
Love fades. God, that's a depressing thought.
l have to ask you a question. Don't go any further.
With your wife, in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation...
like marijuana?
We use a large vibrating egg.
A large vibrating egg.
l ask a psychopath, l get that kind of answer. Jesus!
You look like a very happy couple.
- Are you? - Yeah.
How do you account for it?
l'm very shallow and empty, and l have no ideas...
and nothing interesting to say.
- l'm exactly the same way. - l see.
That's interesting. So you've managed to work out something?
Right.
Thanks for talking to me.
Even as a kid, l went for the wrong women. l think that's my problem.
When my mother took me to see Snow White...
everyone fell in love with Snow White, and l fell for the wicked queen.
- We never have any fun anymore. - How can you say that?
Why not? You're always leaning on me to improve myself.
You're upset. You must be getting your period.
l don't get a period. l'm a cartoon character. Can't l be upset sometimes?
Max, forget about Annie. l know lots of women you can date.
l don't want to go out with other women.
Max, l've got a girl for you. You are going to love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.
There are more people here to see the Maharishi...
than there were to see the Dylan concert.
l covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills.
Especially when he sang, "She takes just like a woman...
and she makes love just like a woman.
Yes, she does.
And she aches just like a woman...
but she breaks just like a little girl."
Up to that, the most charismatic event l covered...
was Mick's birthday when the Stones played Madison Square Garden.
That's just great.
You catch Dylan?
No, l couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis.
You have a raccoon?
A few.
The only word for this is "transplendent."
- lt's transplendent. - l can think of another word.
He's God. l mean, this man is God.
He's got millions of followers, who would crawl across the world...
just to touch the hem of his garment.
lt must be a tremendous hem.
- l'm a Rosicrucian myself. - Are you?
l can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look.
There's God coming out of the men's room.
lt's unbelievably transplendent!
l was at the Stones' concert when they killed that guy. Remember?
Were you? l was at an Alice Cooper thing...
where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.
l hope you don't mind that l took so long to finish.
Me? No. Don't be silly.
l'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now.
Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience.
Thank you.
l mean that as a compliment.
l think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm...
to make up for empty areas in life.
Who said that?
l don't know. l think it may have been Leopold and Loeb.
Hello.
No. What's the matter?
You sound terrible.
No, what-- Sure, l--
What kind of emergency?
No, stay there. l'll come over right now.
Just stay there. l'll come right over.
lt's me. Open up. Are you okay?
What's the matter? Are you all right?
There's a spider in the bathroom.
- What? - There's a big spider in the bathroom.
You got me here at 3:00 a.m. 'cause a spider's in the bathroom?
You know how l am about insects. l can't sleep with that thing crawling around.
Kill it! What's wrong with you?
Don't you have Raid in the house?
l told you a thousand times to keep a lot of insect spray.
- You never know who will crawl over. - l know.
And a first aid kit and fire extinguisher.
Give me a magazine, 'cause l'm a little tired.
You make fun of me, but l'm prepared for anything.
An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake.
What is this? Did you go to a rock concert?
Yeah.
Really? How'd you like it?
Was it heavy? Did it achieve total "heavyosity"?
lt was just great!
l've got an idea. Call the guy who took you to the rock concert...
and he can come and kill the spider.
l called you. You want to help me or not?
Since when do you read the National Review? What are you turning into?
l like to get all points of view.
Wonderful. Get William F. Buckley to kill the spider.
You're a little hostile, you know that?
Not only that, you look thin and tired.
lt's 3:00 in the morning. You got me out of bed.
l ran over. l couldn't get a taxi. You said it was an emergency.
l ran up the stairs.
l was more attractive when the evening began.
Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star?
Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
- What am l, your son? l came over for-- - l've got the good chocolate.
- Where's the spider? - lt's in the bathroom.
Don't squish it. After it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?
l've been killing spiders since l was 30. Okay?
lt's a very big spider. A lot of trouble. There's two of 'em.
l didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider.
- You got a broom or snow shovel? - l left it at your house. l'm sorry.
What are you doing?
There's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.
- You got black soap? - lt's for my complexion.
Are you joining a minstrel show?
Don't worry.
l did it. l killed them both. What's the matter?
What are you sad about? Did you want me to capture and rehabilitate 'em?
- Don't go, please. - What do you mean?
What's the matter? Are you expecting termites?
What's the matter?
l don't know. l miss you.
Jesus! Really?
- Alvy? - What?
Was there somebody in your room when l called you?
- What do you mean? - l mean, l thought l heard a voice.
l had the radio on. l'm sorry, it was the television.
Let's never break up again. l don't want to be apart.
l think we're both much too mature for something like that.
Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
For me it's been terrific. You know?
Better than either of my marriages.
There's something different about you. l don't know what, but it's great.
l think, if you let me, l could help you have more fun.
l know it's hard. Yeah.
What if we go away this weekend?
Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn?
We could show you the old neighborhood. That'd be fun for you.
Yeah, l'd love it.
God, it's a great day!
Watch the road! You'll total the car!
l've never been to Brooklyn.
- l can't wait to see the neighborhood. - The neighborhood will be great.
- We could show her the schoolyard. - l was a great athlete. Tell her.
l was all-schoolyard.
They threw him a football once. He tried to dribble it.
l used to lose my glasses a lot.
Look! That's my old house. That's where l used to live.
Holy cow!
You're lucky. Where l used to live is now a pornographic equipment store.
l had some very good memories there.
What good memories, your mother and father fighting all the time?
And over the most ridiculous things.
- You fired the cleaning woman? - She was stealing!
But she's colored. The colored have enough trouble!
- She was going through my purse. - They're persecuted enough.
- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it.
How can we afford it, on your pay? What if she steals more?
She's a colored woman from Harlem. She has no money.
She has a right to steal from us. Who can she steal from if not from us?
- You're both crazy. - They can't hear you.
Leo, l married a fool!
What's that?
That's the welcome home party, 1945, for my cousin Herbie.
Look. That over there is Joey Nichols.
He was my father's friend. He was always bothering me when l was a kid.
Joey Nichols. See? Nickels.
You see? Nickels.
You can always remember my name. Just think of Joey Five-Cents.
That's me. Joey Five-Cents.
What an asshole.
The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister, Tessie.
l was always the sister with good common sense...
but Tessie was always the one with personality.
When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie.
Do you believe Tessie had the personality?
- She's the life of the ghetto no doubt. - She was once a great beauty.
Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.
l was a great beauty!
- How did this personality come about? - l was very charming.
There were many men interested in you?
l was quite a lively dancer.
lt's very hard to believe.
l had a really good day. lt was a fine way to spend my birthday.
- Your birthday isn't until tomorrow. - But it's real close.
But no presents until midnight.
Happy birthday.
What is this? ls this a present? Are you kidding?
Yeah. Why don't you try it on?
- This is more like a present for you. - lt'll add ten years to our sex life.
Yeah. Forget it.
Here's a real present.
- What is this anyway? - Check it out.
You knew l wanted this. God, it's terrific!
Just put on the watch and that thing. lt'll be perfect.
Seems like
Old times
Having you
To walk with
Seems like
Old times
Having you to walk with
And it's still a thrill
Just to have my arms
Around you
Still the thrill
That it was the day
l found you
Seems like
Old times
Dinner dates and flowers
Old times
Staying up all hours
Making dreams come true
Doing things we used
To do
Seems like
Old times
Here with
You
Thank you.
You were sensational.
l told you if you stuck to it, you would be great and--
You were sensational.
Yeah, they were a terrific audience.
lt makes it easy for me, because l can be--
Excuse me. Hi, l'm Tony Lacey.
- We wanted to say we enjoyed your set. - Yeah? Really?
l thought it was very musical. l liked it a lot.
That's really nice. Thanks a lot.
Are you recording? Are you with any label?
Me? No, not at all.
l'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance.
Possibly working together.
That's nice. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy?
l don't, but l know your work. l'm a big fan of yours.
This is Shawn, Bob and Petronia.
We're going back to the Pierre...
and we're going to meet Jack and Angelica for a drink.
lf you'd like to come, we'd love to have you.
We can sit and talk. Not a big deal.
Just relax, be very mellow.
Remember we had that thing?
What thing?
Remember we discussed that thing?
Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing. Yeah.
Well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine, too.
We'll do it another time. lf you're on the coast, we'll get together there.
lt was a wonderful set. l really enjoyed it.
Nice to have met you. Good night.
What's the matter? You want to go to that party?
l don't know. l thought it might be fun.
lt would be nice to meet some new people.
l don't think l could take a mellow evening. l don't respond well to mellow.
lf l get too mellow, l ripen and rot.
- lt's not good for my-- - All right.
You don't want to go to the party. What do you want to do?
That day in Brooklyn was the last day l remember having a good time.
- We never have any laughs anymore. - l've been moody and dissatisfied.
- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often?
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Constantly. l'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted sex.
She would not sleep with me the other night.
l don't know. Six months ago l would have done it just to please him.
l tried everything.
l put on soft music and my red light bulb.
Since our discussions here, l feel l have a right to my own feelings.
l think you would have been happy, because l really asserted myself.
The incredible thing is, l'm paying for her analysis...
she's making progress, and l'm getting screwed.
l feel so guilty, because Alvy is paying for it.
So l feel guilty if l don't sleep with him.
But if l do sleep with him, it's like l'm going against my own feelings.
- l'm not making any progress. - l can't win.
Sometimes l think l should live with a woman.
l don't believe it. You guys have never snorted coke?
l always wanted to try, but Alvy's very down on it.
Don't put it on me. l don't want to put a wad of white powder in my nose.
There's the nasal membrane.
- You never want to try anything new. - How can you say that?
l said you, l and that girl from acting class should sleep together.
- That's sick. - l know it's sick, but it's new.
- You didn't say it couldn't be sick. - Come on, Alvy.
- Do your body a favor. Try it. - lt'll be fun.
l'm sure it's fun, 'cause the lncas did it. They were a million laughs.
For your own experience. You want to write. Why not?
lt's great stuff, Alvy. A friend just brought it in from California.
l didn't tell you. We're going to California next week.
lt's really a thrill, as you know.
On my agent's advice, l sold out and am going to do a TV appearance.
That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on TV.
You act like you're violating a moral issue.
lt's so phony. We have to leave New York during Christmas. lt kills me.
Listen, while you're in California, could you score some coke for me?
Sure, be glad to. l'll just put it in the hollow heel on my boot.
- How much is this stuff? - About $2,000 an ounce.
Really? And what is the kick of it?
l've never been so relaxed as l have been since l moved out here.
l want you to see my house. l live next to Hugh Hefner.
And the women are like in Playboy, but they can move their arms and legs.
l can't get over that this is really Beverly Hills.
The architecture is really consistent. There's French next to Spanish...
next to Tudor next to Japanese.
lt's so clean out here.
Because they don't throw garbage away. They make it into TV shows.
- Give us a break. lt's Christmas. - Can you believe this is Christmas?
lt was snowing and really gray in New York.
Nice. Santa Claus will have sun stroke.
Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.
There's no economic crime...
but there's ritual, religious cult murders.
There's wheat-germ killers out here.
While you're out here, l want you to see my TV show.
And we're invited to a big Christmas party.
Charlie, give me a good laugh here.
A little bigger.
Do you realize how immoral this all is?
l've got a hit series.
But you're adding fake laughs.
Give me a tremendous laugh here.
We do the show live in front of an audience.
But nobody laughs, because the jokes aren't funny.
That's why this machine is dynamite.
Give me a medium chuckle here...
and then a big hand.
ls there booing on that?
l don't feel well.
- What's the matter? - l got very dizzy.
- l feel dizzy. - Sit down.
Jesus.
You all right? You want to lie down?
No. My stomach felt queasy all morning.
How about a ginger ale?
No. Maybe l'd better lie down.
Try to get some of this down. lt's just plain chicken.
No, l can't eat this. l'm nauseous.
lf you could get me something to get me through the next two hours.
l have to go to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show.
There's nothing wrong with you as far as l can tell.
You have no fever, no symptoms of anything serious.
- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. l'm sorry, Doctor.
Alvy, that was the show. Everything is fine. They found a replacement.
They're going to tape without you.
Jesus! Now l don't get to do the TV show?
- l can't find any reason for this. - Nothing at all?
- l could get a lab man up here. - Hand me the salt, please.
Perhaps it would be better if we took him to the hospital.
The hospital?
- There's no other way to diagnose him. - This is not bad, actually.
Don't tell me we're going to have to walk from the car to the house?
My feet haven't touched pavement since l reached Los Angeles.
l'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
l took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.
- You take a meeting with him. - All the good meetings are taken.
Right now it's only a notion.
l think l can get money to make it into a concept, then turn it into an idea.
Like this house, Max?
Even wrote a road map to get us to the bathroom.
You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party.
What difference does that make?
l think he has a thing for Annie.
- No. He goes with that girl over there. - Where?
- The one with the VPL. - VPL?
Visible panty line. She's gorgeous.
She's a ten. That's great for you, 'cause you're used to two's, aren't you?
There are no two's.
You're used to the kind with shopping bags walking through Central Park...
with the surgical masks on, muttering.
How do you like this couple? They look like they're from Masters and Johnson.
lntensive care ward. My God!
- l think she's giving me the eye. - lf she comes over, my brain will mush.
You're Alvy Singer, right? Didn't we meet at EST?
No, l was never to EST.
- Then how can you criticize it? - He didn't say anything.
l came to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis.
- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How do you do?
- Do you taste for poisoned food? - Yeah, he's great.
You guys are wearing white. lt must be in the stars.
- Uri Geller must be on the premises. - We're going to operate together.
ln about six weeks we could cut the whole album.
l don't know. This is strange to me.
You can stay here. Use the whole wing in this house.
- Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling?
Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good leading.
This is a great house: saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy then Legs Diamond.
- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger.
Charlie Chaplin, right before his un-American thing.
- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, l love it there.
l used to live there for years, but it's so dirty now.
- l'm into garbage. lt's my thing. - This is a nice screening room.
There's another thing about New York.
lf you want to see a movie, you have to stand on line.
lt could be freezing or raining. And here--
We saw Grand lllusion here last night.
That's a great film if you're high. lt's really funny.
Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing up there.
l'm cool.
lt's wonderful. They eat and watch movies all day.
And gradually you get old and die. lt's important to make an effort sometimes.
- Do you think his girlfriend's pretty? - She's great looking.
A little on the androgynous side.
l forgot my mantra.
That was fun.
l don't think California is bad at all.
lt's a drag coming home.
A lot of beautiful women. lt was fun to flirt.
l have to face facts.
l adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work anymore.
l'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight.
Why do l need this?
lf only l had the nerve to break up, but it would really hurt him.
lf only l didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out.
lt'd probably wreck her, but l should be honest.
Alvy, let's face it.
l don't think our relationship is working.
l know. A relationship is like a shark:
lt has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And l think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? - lf it has my name on it...
l guess it's mine.
You wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day would come.
You wanted to break up just as much as l do.
No question. l think we're doing the mature thing.
Look. All the books on death and dying are yours.
And all the poetry books are mine.
Denial of Death. This is the first book l got you.
Remember that day?
l feel like there's a great weight off my back.
Thanks, honey.
l mean, no. l think it's important for us to explore new relationships.
There's no question about that, because we've given this a more than fair shot.
My analyst thinks this move is key for me.
And l trust her, because my analyst recommended her.
Why should l put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
You know what the beauty part is? We can always come back together again.
- There's no problem. - Exactly.
l don't think many couples could handle this, break up and remain friends.
This button is mine. Remember?
These are yours. "lmpeach Eisenhower." "lmpeach Nixon."
"lmpeach Lyndon Johnson." "lmpeach Ronald Reagan."
l miss Annie. l made a terrible mistake.
She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey.
lf she is, then the hell with her. lf she likes that lifestyle, let her stay.
- He's a jerk for one thing. - He graduated Harvard.
Harvard makes mistakes, too. Kissinger taught there.
Don't tell me you're jealous?
Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea.
Can l show you something? l found this in the apartment.
Black soap. She used to wash her face 800 times a day with black soap.
Don't ask me why.
Why don't you go out with other women?
l tried, but it's very depressing.
This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom!
What are you making such a big deal about?
They're only lobsters.
-You're adult. You can pick up lobsters. -l'm not myself since l quit smoking.
- When did you quit? - Sixteen years ago.
- What do you mean? - Mean?
You stopped smoking 16 years ago. ls that what you said?
l don't understand.
Are you joking or what?
Central Park's turning green.
l saw that lunatic we used to see with the pinwheel hat...
and the roller-skates.
Listen, l want you to come back here.
Well, then l'm going to come out there and get you.
What do you mean, where am l? Where do you think l am?
l'm at the Los Angeles airport. l flew in.
l flew in to see you.
Can we not debate this on the telephone...
because l've got a temperature...
and l'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea again.
Wherever you want to meet. l don't care.
l'll drive in. l rented a car.
l'm driving.
What, is that such a miracle? l'm driving myself.
l'm going to have the alfalfa sprouts...
and a plate of mashed yeast.
You look pretty.
No, l just lost a little weight, that's all.
Well, you look nice.
l think we should get married.
Come on.
Why, you want to live out here? lt's like living in Munchkinland.
What do you mean? lt's perfectly fine out here.
Tony's very nice.
l meet people, go to parties and play tennis.
That's a very big step for me.
l'm able to enjoy people more.
You're not going to come back to New York?
What's so great about New York? lt's a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
You didn't read Death in Venice until l bought it for you.
That's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the title.
Because it's an important issue.
You're incapable of enjoying life. You know that?
You're like New York City. You're just this person.
You're like this island unto yourself.
l can't enjoy anything unless everybody is.
lf one guy is starving someplace, it puts a crimp in my evening.
Do you want to get married?
No. We're friends.
l want to remain friends.
Check please.
You're mad, aren't you?
Yes, of course l'm mad, because you love me. l know that.
l can't say that that's true at this point in my life.
l really can't say that's true.
You know how wonderful you are.
You're the reason l got out of my room, that l was able to sing...
and get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap.
Listen, listen.
So what are you up to?
The usual. l'm trying to write. l'm working on a play.
Are you saying you're not coming back to New York with me?
No. Look. l gotta go.
What do you mean? l flew 3,000 miles to see you.
Air miles. Do you know what that does to my stomach?
lf you must know, it's a hectic time for Tony.
- The Grammys are tonight. - The what?
The Grammys. He's got a lot of records up for awards.
They give awards for that music? l thought just ear plugs.
Just forget it. Let's just forget the conversation.
They do nothing but give out awards. l can't believe it.
Greatest Fascist Dictator: Adolph Hitler.
l know what you're going to say. l'm not a great driver.
- l have some problems with-- - May l see your license, please?
Just don't get angry.
l have my license here. lt's a rented car.
Don't give me your life's story.
Just pick up the license.
You have to ask nicely, because l've had a rough day. My girlfriend--
Just give me the license, please.
Since you put it that way, it's hard for me to refuse.
l have a terrific problem with authority.
lt's not your fault. Don't take it personal.
So long, fellows. Keep in touch.
lmagine my surprise when l got your call.
Yeah. l had the feeling l got you at a bad moment.
l heard high-pitched squealing.
Twins, Max.
Sixteen-year-olds.
Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities of that?
You're an actor. You should be doing Shakespeare in the park.
l did Shakespeare in the park. l got mugged.
l was playing Richard ll. Two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard.
Are we driving through plutonium?
Keeps out the alpha rays. You don't get old.
You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle?
What is so great about New York?
lt's a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
You didn't read Death in Venice until l gave it to you.
You only give me books with the word "death" in the title.
- lt's an important issue. - You're incapable of enjoying life.
You're like New York. You're an island.
Okay. lf that's all that we've been through together means to you...
it's better if we just said good-bye, once and for all.
lt's funny.
After all the serious talks and passionate moments...
that it ends here, in a health food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
Good-bye, Sally.
Wait. l'm going to go with you.
l love you.
What do you want? lt was my first play.
You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art...
because it's real difficult in life.
lnterestingly, however, l did run into Annie again.
lt was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
She had moved back to New York. She was living in Soho with some guy.
When l met her, she was dragging him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity...
which l counted as a personal triumph.
Annie and l had lunch sometime after that...
and just kicked around old times.
Just to have my arms
Around you
Still the thrill
That it was the day
l found you
Seems like
Old times
Dinner dates and flowers
Old times
After that, it got late and we both had to go.
But it was great seeing Annie again.
l realize what a terrific person she was...
and how much fun it was just knowing her.
And l thought of that old joke.
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy.
He thinks he's a chicken."
The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?"
The guy says, "l would, but l need the eggs."
Well, l guess that's, now, how l feel about relationships.
They're totally irrational, crazy and absurd.
But l guess we keep going through it...
because most of us need the eggs.