It's starting! Rainbow RandoIph!
Welcome to The Rainbow RandoIph Show!
Kidnet presents America's favorite kid-show host...
...the friendliest friend on earth, Rainbow Randolph!
Featuring Angelo Pike and the Krinkle Kids!
Friends come in all sizes
That's right, Rainbow.
Friends come in all sizes That's a fact, it's true
All the colors of rainbow From mauve to blue
Their names are different Their shoes don't match
Some like to toss While others to catch
One might say ''grasp'' While the other says ''snatch''
Because
Friends come in all sizes Take it from me
Golly gee, size never matters When you want some friendly patter
From a pal who is true
And can lift you up when you're blue
You can count on him He can count on you
It's true
Friends come in all sizes Friends come in all sizes
Yes, they do
You know what else comes in all sizes? Our products.
They're there online for you at RainbowRandolph.com.
Log on, it's not free.
You'II Iet my boy dance up front? Gets to sit in the chair?
You want your booger-eater on my show?
-Of course. -Yes, very much.
Then don't teII me how to run my fucking business.
-We were just-- -I'II caII you if a spot opens up.
-Freeze! -Drop the briefcase!
I never touched the money.
FBI! You're under arrest.
I'm Rainbow-fucking-RandoIph! Kids Iove me!
You have the right to remain siIent. If you give up....
Corruption in Krinkleland?
Rainbow Randolph busted by feds in midtown Patsy's Bar.
May I express that I am as shocked and outraged by this as you.
Save it, Stokes! We got nervous sponsors and an angry pubIic.
-What are you gonna do? -I've compiIed a Iist of repIacements--
CIean repIacements? With background checks?
Christ! Where do you dig up these peopIe?
I can assure you that this network cannot survive...
...another Rainbow RandoIph.
AbsoIuteIy. It is my mission to find a repIacement.
A performer of character and honor. Most importantIy--
Squeaky-fucking-cIean!
Squeaky cIean, sir.
-Buggy Ding Dong? -Heroin muIe.
-Square Dance Danny? -Wife beater.
-Princess Poppy? -Don't bust my baIIs.
-Skippy BIack and the TroIIs? -Deported. And the TroIIs....
Who gives a shit? This is impossibIe. I want to strangIe Rainbow RandoIph.
Squeeze his neck untiI his eyes pop out!
Before fantasizing, Iet's save my ass.
Sorry, Frank.
SheIdon Mopes?
Have we sunk to that IeveI aIready? Smoochy? What a sap!
Sap's just the piII we need. Get your feet off.
He's a guy in a suit. A foamy. Fabric stuffer.
They aII are. MarginaI taIents, off-Broadway runoff--
Last I heard, he's pIaying hospitaIs and nursing homes.
-He's bottom rung. -This is the guy!
We can do better than Mopes. He brings nothing to the tabIe.
Except ethics. Never a whiff of controversy. He's a harmIess cornbaII.
-Don't make me. -A bottIe of syrup with Iegs!
-Frank! -Get me Smoochy!
-Hello. -Hi. This is Nora WeIIs--
Just kidding. It's a machine. Leave a message or catch an appearance.
I'm opening the children's wing at the library.
Or catch me at the methadone clinic.
Remember, you can't change the world...
-...but you can make a dent. -You bet.
Thanks a Iot, feIIas. Ladies, yeah.
Looking at the faces, I think it's time to wrap things up.
I'II cIose with a ditty. You may recognize the tune.
I took some Iiberties with the Iyrics. If you figure out the chorus, join in.
We'll get you off that smack Yes, we will
We'll get you off that smack We'll kick that monkey off your back
And get your life on track Yes, we will
It's important to get started now, though. You know why?
Cause the smack can lead to crack Yes, it can
CarI, you know what I'm taIking about.
Sing it with me now.
Giving up that smack Yes, we are
Take it easy.
Mr. Mopes?
I saw your performance. It was very spirited.
Thank you very much.
Sometimes I do a Ionger set, but...
...once the evening meds kick in, it's pretty much sIeepytime.
Tough to get a sing-aIong.
At Ieast you know the smack's knocking them out and not your singing.
God, I hope so.
Can we taIk for a minute?
I'm happy to do this, but we have trained counseIors who can heIp you.
You came on the H train?
-Riding the horse? On the juice? -No.
It's sweet of you to assume so.
I'm Nora WeIIs. I'm V.P. of deveIopment for Kidnet.
-You work for Kidnet?! -Yeah.
-Are you serious? -Yeah...
...as a heart attack.
I'm gIad I didn't know you were here. That might have thrown me off.
I was born November 11, 1970. You know what eIse happened that day?
The first Sesame Street.
You wouIdn't beIieve what it took to get soy dogs here.
HeIIo? PeopIe, wake up and smeII the future.
Organic, twice the protein and nobody gets kiIIed.
I'm gonna get you on these gIuten-free buns.
-We wiII change the worId! -AII right, SheIdon.
Like I was saying, my friends are aIways saying:
''As taIented as you are, if you don't Iearn to seII yourseIf a IittIe...
...you'II aIways be pIaying to a very appreciative, but Iimited audience.''
SpiruIina with aImond butter?
-Sure you don't wanna try? -No.
This is chiIdren's entertainment.
It's about doing good work.
Having integrity.
A good show, with the foundation of a positive message.
You can't buiId a foundation with pIaster of Paris. You use concrete.
That is concrete, sister. That is integrity!
I can see that.
-Sorry. -Listen, Mr. Mopes.
The reason I'm here....
Kidnet is currentIy Iooking for a performer...
...with convictions and integrity.
Somebody Iike yourseIf.
HoId the phone.
Kidnet is finaIIy ready to pursue a show of Smoochy caIiber?
I mean, to commit to Smoochy quaIity?
Yes, I beIieve we're ready to push ourseIves to that IeveI.
I knew it!
I knew it. I knew if I waited Iong enough...
...I knew somebody wouId come aIong one day...
...who took a Iook at me and understood what I do.
That's you. You get me.
I'm afraid so.
WeII, Nora WeIIs, Miss V.P. of DeveIopment...
...Iet's you and me go make history!
I Iike it.
Get your $50 bump for working in smoke this week.
Hey, AngeIo.
I was a big fan of your work with the KrinkIe Kids.
I appreciate you coming over to be a Rhinette.
A job's a job.
See you out there.
Where can you go when skies turn gray
Where the sun always shines And the animals play
Where every day is a happy day Well, Smoochy's here to show the way
Smoochy's Magic Jungle
It's a happy, it's a happy Happy, happy place
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!
I thought you weren't coming. You'd forgotten.
Agreed to meet you. I had a dinner engagement.
ReaIIy? I used to have dinner engagements. Four or five a night.
Don't do this, Randy.
I'd go to a restaurant, 10 guys reached for my hat.
I'd go to take a piss, they'd cIear the restroom. You know why?
I'm Rainbow-fucking-RandoIph, that's why!
You through?
What? You got things to do? You don't have time for me?
The guy who earned for you? Put the Armani surpIus suits on your back?
The coq au vin in your BrookIyn mouth.
We heIped each other. TiII someone messed up....
Who couId that be? Right, it was Rainbow-fucking-RandoIph!
For what? Ass-wipe money.
You gotta fix this. I want my oId time sIot back.
I can't sit and watch that one-horn carpetbagger get my time sIot.
He gets a free ride on my dime.
Come on. We got a history.
There's nothing I can do for you. You're a pariah.
-I can't even be seen with you. -Don't do this to me.
I'm going down for the Iast time.
They kicked me out of the penthouse. I'm homeIess.
Put yourseIf in my Capezios.
The truth is, your shoes have become my shoes.
As Iong as he's on, everything's by the book. No percentage, no skim.
Network wanted squeaky cIean and they got it.
Mopes is sparkIing.
PIease?
You got nothing Ieft?
ExactIy. That's what I've been trying to teII you.
What's this?
A Rain Forest Benefit freebie bag. DisposabIe camera...
...KahIúa fIavored peanuts...
...hand Iotions, no animaI-tested....
Don't ever contact me again, Randy.
Get out of the car.
You know what to do with the Iotion, jerk-off.
You'II get yours!
The rhino too!
WheeIs are turning!
Even a guy who's squeaky cIean faIIs into the mud.
Smoochy and Rhinette doIIs wouId be soId separateIy.
These are prototypes. I've been assured...
...that aII the bugs wiII be worked out.
Let's recap.
Yes to the Smoochy ice cream, the string cheese...
...the coIa. We're in a dick-measuring contest over the shampoo.
Time out, peopIe. Let's hoId the phone a second.
If I might interject. We need to re-examine our principIes.
We are stiII trying-- Smoochy is stiII trying to earn these kids' trust.
We won't do that by seIIing string cheese and shampoo and coIa...
...which contains no Iess than two addictive substances.
We need to focus on putting together the best show possibIe.
DeIiver a positive message, without beIIs and whistIes.
Can I get an amen, somebody? Are you with me on this, team?
Damn.
I got that.
Shut the door, pIease.
Now Iock it. Thanks.
We're deciding if Smoochy-O's are frosted or fruit-fIavored.
If anybody has a strong feeIing....
Our survey shows a dead heat.
Frosted for oId and fruity for young.
Have them both. Good.
-I Iike frosted. I Iike sweeter. -Me too.
As a kid I ate frosted. Let's go the oId-fashioned way....
I want to teII you honestIy, I feIt....
Hey! Nora! Wait up.
I thought that was a good meeting today. We tackIed some hot issues.
I feIt once or twice my voice wasn't being heard.
That's a conservative estimate.
I want the show to have weight. Substance.
SiIIy songs, absoIuteIy, but with a message.
Guess how many compositions I have in the Smoochy songbook.
-Do you sense my Iack of interest? -Over 300...
...on subjects from vegetabIes to the importance of donating pIasma.
I'm a vaIuabIe resource, Nora. Use me--
Okay, stop taIking. I'm gonna make this reaI easy for you.
The onIy reason you're on TV is because Rainbow RandoIph is a scumbag.
I didn't discover you. I deIivered you, Iike groceries.
I got more emotionaI investment in my naiI poIish.
So don't peddIe your sap to me.
Your job is to smiIe and nod your head.
Look. I'm not IiteraIIy comparing Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ.
I'm saying that the Captain, Iike Christ...
...was someone you couId reaIIy beIieve in.
With those guys...
...it wasn't about the beIIs and whistIes, it was aII about the work.
EspeciaIIy Jesus. I mean, forget about it.
I never saw anybody get buzzed on orange juice.
I'II teII you a secret: Pop a IittIe Iiquid aIfaIfa in it...
...it's bIastoff time.
Let me have a Five Crown.
-Hey. -Smoochy the Rhino.
That's me.
I'm a big fan.
That's the first time anybody recognized me out of the suit.
Burke Bennett. Kid-show taIent agent.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
Network goons are Iike that. Stokes tried to screw him...
...out of merchandising points. CIaimed he had a warehouse fuII...
...of Dicky DoIIs that weren't moving. We're friends for years.
I say to him, ''Show me the warehouse.''
I waIk out of there with a check for 100 grand...
...Stokes is sitting with his thumb up his ass.
That's a great story, but the thing is, with me, I don't care about that stuff.
I don't care about Smoochy doIIs, chocoIate, fIoor wax.
I care about getting creative input on my own show.
You know, this rhino came from my womb. Okay?
I birthed him. I nursed him.
Damn it, I ought to be the one who raises him.
It's aII about the dough. Once you get money, you get power.
Once you get power, you can have Smoochy waIk out...
...with a diIdo strapped to his head.
I haven't thought of that idea. I do see where you're going with this.
When you wanna taIk, I'II cut the strings.
I'II open the magic door for you.
WeII, how do you Iike that?
I Iaid the groundwork. He's a bank with a horn.
You'll make more with him than 20 Randolphs.
Important to the Parade of Hope.
It's in the bag. We might have to massage him.
Don't make me Iose my smiIe, Burkey-Boy.
A speciaI batch of cookies for a very speciaI rhino.
How thoughtfuI of me.
They're beautifuI.
You're going to Iearn about shame, my dear Smoochy, and I'm your professor.
Can we taIk? Why was the ''PIease and Thank You Song'' cut?
It takes away from the ''Cookie Song.''
The ''Cookie Song'' is meaningIess fIuff without it.
That's the Iesson. The moraI anchor.
It's cut. And I want the cookie Iyrics changed back.
I won't encourage kids to eat a Iot of sugar.
I have to Iike myseIf.
This is not a sprout farm. You're here to seII sugar and pIastic.
Do you hear yourseIf? I won't do it.
Does that say ''Nora's Magic JungIe''? No.
I'm not your puppet.
Since when? Get your spongy pink ass out there and dance for the cameras.
This is a kid show.
Those are chiIdren I'm singing to out there.
You don't even see chiIdren anymore. You just see waIIets with pigtaiIs.
Bonsoir, le Smoochy.
WeIcome to Fatty ArbuckIe-Iand.
Don't worry, IittIe ones. Rainbow RandoIph wiII return.
AII right!
I'II teII you something. That jiggy-ing and ziggy-ing makes me hungry.
When I'm hungry, what time is it?
Magic Cookie Time!
-What? -Magic Cookie Time!
That's right! Everybody in the middIe!
Get in the middIe!
AngeIo, hit me!
Give them a cookie.
Lookie, lookie, lookie Here comes the cookie
Fresh and organic
-No need to panic -He didn't change it.
Straight from the soil No tropical oil
Sweetened with juice For an energy boost
Whatever, fucking peasant.
-Who wants the first cookie? -Me!
Let's see what we got today!
Give them a cookie.
My!
It's a....
A rocket ship!
It's a rocket ship to fIy us to JungIe Land! Here we go!
Fuck!
FoIIow me!
We're fIying over the trees on our magic rocket.
What a speciaI day!
-SpeciaI cookies. -Are you bIind?
-It's a cock! It's not a rocket! -What is this?
-RandoIph! Get him out! -Look. It's a cock and baIIs!
It's a dick! Chorizo and the huevos!
It's a big stiffy!
It's a penis!
Penis maximus! A wiIIie! Mr. JiggIe Daddy!
Get him out of here!
The one-eyed wonder weaseI!
It's Jimmy and the twins. RumpIe Foreskin.
He made this. It's made from diI-dough.
Wave bye-bye!
Thanks for visiting!
Let go of me!
I'm Rainbow-fucking-RandoIph. I know the way--
I want to thank you aII for having this sit-down.
We have wrinkIes in the communication and coIIaboration departments.
I'm not pointing fingers. You start pointing and someone gets poked.
It's not my intention to try and poke...
...either of you.
Anyhoo, this is my new agent, Burke Bennett.
He has experience faciIitating in these situations.
I think he'II heIp us through this moment together.
Here's Burke!
Thank you, SheIdon.
Frank, you see this guy? Take a good Iook.
Because this guy saved your ass.
Without him, you'd be sitting in KapIan's...
...sucking cIub soda through a paper straw...
...whiIe your tabIe at 21 was occupied by the new Marion Frank Stokes...
...and his twat du jour.
-Excuse me. -No excuse for you.
We've aIways made arrangements. Why the fireworks?
I'm hoIding the gunpowder. I represent the man who created...
...owns and controIs every inch of Smoochy the Rhino.
You seem to forget...
...we found this guy, dug up his corpse, handed him a show...
...when he couIdn't seII his face.
No, a Iot of peopIe went out for that cIinic gig.
-They hired me.... -Let me untangIe this web.
I don't care if his Iast job was juggIing appIes...
...for Pygmies in the Congo.
This man fits the biII and you need him.
He'II get what he deserves.
And what wouId that be, exactIy?
To the star and new executive producer of The Smoochy Show.
I'm stiII in shock.
Run me through this again. I have compIete creative controI.
Veto power over merchandising. Corporate penthouse.
Cushy.
I must be dreaming.
Think of it as the high Iife. Get used to it.
You'II be pissing on $100 biIIs just to see the Iook on FrankIin's face.
I couIdn't. I have too much respect for what he accompIished.
Yeah, he's a good man.
-What's this? -Keep it down.
-What did you do, you snake? -A graduation present.
Think of it as a tooI of the trade.
-I can't accept this. -No?
-I don't beIieve in guns. -ReaIIy?
When we'd pIay cowboys and Indians as kids, I was a Chinese raiI worker.
Trust me, it's a handy accessory to have in this business.
Let me get that for you.
Oh, boy.
When this guy comes over, don't taIk to him...
...or he'II stay here yakking aII night.
Love that one.
-Is that Spinner Dunn, the boxer? -Fried beans.
You don't retire with an 81 -and-59 record and end up governor.
He's gotta be smart to run a pIace Iike this.
Spinner? He couIdn't run a water faucet.
He's a mascot. It's his cousin, Tommy Cotter. Heavy hitter.
Her and her boys, they run the joint. Irish mob.
How do you Iike that?
Strawberries and....
Here he comes.
Smoochy! Hey, I'm Spinner!
-I'm so excited to meet you! -I'm excited to meet you too, Spinner.
-I'm Spinner. -Right.
-You're a fan of the show. -Smoochy, you know what I Iove?
I Iove when you do the Jiggy Ziggy dance, you know?
The one you do during SiIIy Time?
That's one of our big numbers.
You wanna see me do it?
-See you do the Jiggy Ziggy? -Yeah!
Sometime.
I'II do it for you here.
Smoochy, I'II do it, watch.
-Excuse me, senator. -Sure.
-I Iove you so much. -I Iove you too.
-I'm Spinner. -Right.
Hey, Spinner. Come here and meet the senator.
You go ahead. It was a reaI honor.
-Smoochy's here! -That's nice for you.
Wait tiII I teII my foIks I met Spinner Dunn.
-The one and onIy. -Seems Iike a sweet guy.
Don't go anywhere, Smoochy. I'II be right back after I take a dump.
I think you made a new friend, kid.
Since RandoIph got pinched, there's air in the pipes. How are you fixing it?
The rhino's stiII a IittIe green. EventuaIIy, he'II come around.
He has to get a taste of how we do things.
I have no time for ''eventuaIIy.'' EventuaIIy, we get oId and die.
Sometimes ''oId'' doesn't happen.
I'm doing my best. The network is watching cIoseIy.
You got a probIem, son.
The rhino better Iearn to pIay baII, and soon.
Otherwise, he might need a IittIe coaching.
Wipe your forehead, Frank. You got pIenty of time to sweat.
-Who is it? -Open up, baby, it's RandoIph.
It's been a Iong time.
-Randy? -Angie. Fucking traitor!
-You Ieft me for the rhino! -I gotta eat, don't I?
You strapped that horn on pretty fast! You're a KrinkIe Kid, say it!
-Rhinette. -Say it. ''I am a KrinkIe Kid.''
Say it before God and aII the bones of the saints!
I'm a Rhinette, got that?!
The KrinkIe Kids are 10 feet under. With you.
I missed you so much!
Can I stay here? I got no pIace eIse to go.
They kicked me out of the penthouse. Sons of bitches.
That's how I got this.
I got Iiens, back taxes, Iawyers' biIIs, threats against my Iife.
I got the whoIe worId up my fucking ass!
Don't you worry. I got a Iong memory, baby.
Because what they sow, they going to reap, Angie!
Stop doing this. Don't piss your Iife away.
But it's the rhino, Angie.
The deviI sent him from heII to destroy me.
Smoochy is the face of eviI.
CongratuIations, SheIdon.
-CongratuIations, Mr. Mopes. -Thanks a Iot.
Mr. Mopes, Iet me get that for you.
Your office is over here. If you need anything, Iet me know.
No, I gotta work tonight. I can't.
I'II come Sunday.
Okay. That's--
I want to taIk to you for a IittIe bit.
Ma, can I caII you back? Some asshoIe's screaming at me.
Thanks. Bye.
-Yeah? -You didn't have to get off.
-If I didn't, you'd stiII be here. -I am.
I'm hoping to correct that.
Listen, Nora.
I can understand it might feeI a IittIe awkward for you...
...maybe intimidating, now that the power has changed.
I stiII vaIue your input. And I consider you a partner.
Never. Even if I Iive to be 1000 and see the second coming of Christ.
I know we're not partners yet. Let's make a game pIan.
Let's penciI in a few Iunch dates, or go on a retreat!
Just you and me, aIone.
Chewing the fat, exchanging ideas.
Let's pIant the seeds of a coIIaboration.
PIant this!
You know, Nora...
...has anyone ever suggested to you that yoga...
...maybe a high coIonic, couId Ioosen you up?
-Get out, hippie! -You get out!
You get out!
You don't get to teII this boy what to do anymore, you uptight....
I'm gonna haIt here.
HALTis a seIf-recognition technique. Hungry, angry, IoneIy, tired.
I won't get sucked into your negative energy.
Want me? I'II be in my office. It's the big one. With a view.
-They aII have views, dumbshit! -Not Iooking this way!
Don't shut my door!
Hey....
''Have a Iong and heaIthy run. Burke.''
My own patch of wheat grass.
Morning! Congrats on the bump.
Spinner has taken a reaI shine to you.
Since you come in, he can't stop yakking, ''Smoochy this, Smoochy that.''
That's nice. I Iike Spinner. He's very sweet for such a...
...big feIIa.
-Can you give him a IittIe fIoor space? -FIoor space?
A part on the show. You're the executive producer.
You caII the shots, right?
Yes. Yes, I do.
The thing is, teIevision is a very compIicated medium.
Not just anybody can be a success at it. I Iike Spinner.
But his chances on teIevision are as good as mine in the ring with him.
Know what I'm saying? It'd be painfuI.
This makes me very sad.
-What's wrong? -Nothing. I'm just...
...very sad right now.
Who made you sad, Tommy?
I don't Iike to mention names.
Say, feIIas, I just remembered.
We got a part Spinner wouId be perfect for.
That's the soIution.
You're a good boy. We remember favors.
You're weIcome at our pIace anytime. Come on, boys.
Okay.
Thanks for stopping by.
HeIIo?
Better grow eyes on the back of your head.
I won't sIeep untiI worms are crawIing up your ass!
I'm going on safari, motherfucker! Safari!
Gee whiz. What a day!
Do you ever knock?
CongratuIations on your ice show.
-SeIIout! -What are you taIking about?
About you, and how you're a phony Iike aII the rest.
''I'm Smoochy. I don't care about money.
It's about a good show without beIIs and whistIes.''
You Iook good with your foot stuck in your mouth.
Jam it in there nice and tight.
What happened to your precious integrity?
Or is that just part of your dog-and-pony show?
I never agreed to a show!
Do you reaIize the shekeIs we can take in?
These things represent everything I'm against.
MindIess spectacIes whose purpose is peddIing overpriced sugar water...
...and cheap pIastic toys that spIinter...
...and get Iodged in some kid's septum.
-Where's our dignity? -I know you got an ethics fetish.
You can't change the worId, buddy.
But you can make a dent.
No one has ever refused an ice show.
UntiI now. Smoochy doesn't seII out. That's it!
You shouId be proud to have a cIient who can say that.
Yeah, I'm doing backfIips.
Wasn't that fun, in an awkward sort of way?
It sure was!
Did I do good? I did good, right?
-You did great, buddy. -I'm gonna go get drunk now.
Okay, be carefuI.
-Hey, Iady. -Hey, nice job.
Casting mentaI patients. I Iike that.
Cut that out. GoIIy, he's not a mentaI patient.
He's a nightcIub owner and an ambassador for his sport.
He just has the sweet disposition of a 5-year-oId.
And a cousin named Tommy Cotter.
At Ieast he's got a sense of humor!
That's more than I can say for some peopIe.
What?
-Hi, there. -How are you doing?
Get in.
That's okay. I'II grab a cab.
Humor me, rhino.
How do you Iike that?
Merv Green. Nice to meet you.
Ever try saying that without the gun?
I represent the Parade of Hope. Maybe you've heard of us.
-You raise money for hospitaIs. -We've added a brick or two.
There's taIk that you're puIIing out of the ice show. True?
I'm not ''puIIing out,'' because I never agreed to do a show.
Nor wouId I ever agree to do a show and...
...how is that your concern?
The Parade of Hope has sponsored every ice show since 1964.
We take a IittIe, everyone's happy.
So Iet's not buck history!
For the gaziIIionth time, I have no interest in doing a show!
If that's aII, Iet me out and we can say happy traiIs.
Can I have the far corner?
Tomorrow, Smoochy raises his baton for Parade of Hope.
Banquets, benefits, I want it aII.
You can puII over.
As far as the ice show goes, I suggest you shop for skates.
This is unacceptabIe! I'm caIIing the authorities!
Don't. Rat on them and you'll be lucky to find your toenails.
They're the roughest charity.
You haven't been Iistening!
I was threatened by an organization that's supposed to heIp chiIdren.
-What kind of worId is this? -The real one.
My advice? Consider the ice show and stay healthy.
WeII, how do you Iike that?
-Hi. -What did I do now?
Can I come in?
Sure.
-Everything okay? -I'm drunk.
Not that I want to make you feeI bad...
...but with aIcohoI, you're consuming empty caIories.
I came here to apoIogize.
-ReaIIy? -Yes.
And on these rare occasions when I feeI the need to apoIogize...
...it heIps if I'm shitfaced.
-I'm supposed to feeI honored? -I may have been harsh the other day.
A IittIe out of Iine.
Don't worry. Last week you caIIed me a pasty-faced, no-taIent hack.
-You're not doing the ice show? -No. Now I know what they're about.
-Why didn't you teII me? -I don't want to spoiI aII your fun.
You get such a sparkIy gIow when you berate me in front of everyone eIse.
I may have become a bit hardened over the years.
I bet.
Sincerity is an easy disguise. It's hard to know who's on the IeveI.
That's true.
I've been Iearning a Iot about that myseIf IateIy.
''Sometimes Iight is reaIIy dark. Sometimes crows can sing Iike Iarks.''
''Sometimes winter feeIs Iike spring. Don't think you know everything.''
-Rickets the Hippo? -You remember him?
When I was a kid, he was the one face I couId trust.
He was my inspiration to work in kids TV.
Me too! I took an anger management cIass in coIIege...
...we had to name a person representing Iove and patience. I named him.
-He's the reason I created Smoochy! -I don't beIieve this!
When I teII peopIe about Rickets, they Iook at me weird.
He was the best! You remember the KIunky-Wunky?
I did it for my first HoIy Communion.
-Get out! You did not! -Yes!
You? The whoIe, Iike....
From me to you
-I shouId go. -Wait.
-Stay a whiIe. I got Rickets on tape. -It's Iate.
You sure? I got some fenneI tea. We can hang out.
-You shouId get that. Bye. -It's okay.
I'II see you down at the store.
-HeIIo? -Mr. Mopes? I'm Benjamin McKnuckIepeck.
I'm caIIing from Parents for Decency in ChiIdren's TV. Have you heard of us?
No, but that's an issue cIose to my heart. I was just taIking to--
Tomorrow we're having a banquet. We'd be honored if you performed.
We want to present a pIaque to you for your commitment to chiIdren's TV.
The presenter wiII be a young orphan with miId asthma. Can you attend?
Yeah, I'd be happy to.
That'd be great. See you then.
I want to thank you for picking me up.
No worries. A chance to have Smoochy at our soirée...
...I'd stick my wiIIie in a nest of funneIwebs if I had to.
That sounds extreme. Just try a ''pIease.''
You're funny! There's vodka and chips back there if you're hungry.
I don't know if you're aware of it, but food Iike that can Iower your chi.
I've never eaten Korean food. Thanks for the information.
That's why the wee ones Iove your show.
You can Iearn and Iaugh at the same time.
It's such a fresh change from that dreadfuI embezzIer, Rainbow Randy.
-What was his name? -RandoIph, I think.
RandoIph! That's the scoundreI. ProbabIy gay too.
What did you say?
He's a piIIow biter, you know? The oId....
I don't know about his sIeeping disorders.
But I do think he's got some probIems, aIcohoI and anger to name a few.
What do you mean?
I feeI sorry for him. He has issues.
But don't you take a particuIar gIee in the fact you stoIe his time sIot...
...and you're shoveIing dirt on his corpse?
No. I wouIdn't take pIeasure in someone's misfortune.
Truth is, I thought he was pretty taIented.
He's a miserabIe cocksucker! A fucking asshoIe! You hate him, admit it!
Where did you say you're from?
The wee ones are ready for you.
I'm ready. Give me my ax.
Here we go. Let's shake a stick.
-This is reaIIy exciting for me. -Me too.
I never pIayed in a tractor parts warehouse.
We keep it no-friIIs. It's aII about the wee ones.
Great attitude. I wish more peopIe feIt that way.
-Know what my motto is? -Something inane.
''You can't change the worId, but you can make a dent.''
Don't worry. You're going to make a dent.
-Go out there and hook a horn! -Thanks!
Auf Wiedersehen.
-Smoochy the Rhino! -HeIIo, New Jersey!
It's great to be here, kids!
Sing aIong if you know it.
Friends, friends, we all got friends You've got me and I got you
Friends, friends, we all need friends It's our pals that get us through
If I had a dollar For every friend I've made
You know...
...it's a IittIe hard to sing to your friends when you can't see them.
CouId we just kiII that spot and bring the houseIights up?
Heil Smoochy!
I hope I'm dreaming.
Freeze! This is an unIawfuI assembIy!
Hands on your head. Line up!
-Do you read Mein Kampf? -Is Smoochy code for ''white power''?
Is Adolf Hitler your personal hero?
-I don't hate anybody! -You don't hate Nazis?
How does it feel to be a racist scumbag?
Here at the Kidnet jungIe, the rhino's now extinct.
The Smoochy sIot wiII be safeIy occupied by cartoon reruns.
HeIIo, nippIe-nibbIer.
The rhino's a Nazi.
The rhino is screwed-o The rhino is screwed
Nora! Nora!
-It's me. I gotta taIk to you. -There's nothing to say.
They're caIIing me fascist.
I'm being compared unfavorabIy with GoebbeIs.
Hey. If the jackboot fits....
You beIieve what they're saying?
I don't have to. The picture said it aII.
That was a setup. I'm teIIing you!
This FetaIkunkIe guy said it was for kids.
I had no idea it was a Nazi raIIy.
You'd think the 50-foot swastika might have given you a hint.
That was Iater. The Iight was in my eyes.
It was Iike a nightmare. SuddenIy.... Wham!
It's jackboots and Gestapo and ''Smooch Heil, Smooch Heil!''
I need your heIp. I'm in a pickIe here.
The fact is, I don't know you, okay?
-What? -Not reaIIy.
Don't expect me to go out on an emotionaI Iimb here.
But, Nora....
Nora!
What about the KIunky-Wunky dance?
I was drunk. Don't read too much into it.
If you want a cup of juice, the weII's dried up. City shut her down.
Bastards wiII sIap a new pair of tits on the Statue of Liberty...
...but they won't heIp a poor hophead. Just once I wish I had a IittIe cIout.
I'd set things straight in this town.
BeIieve me.
HeII of a worId.
What do you want?
Can you spare 60 seconds for a smiIey oId face from your past?
HeIIo, kitten.
Here's the good news.
You and Frank are in a bind.
I'd be happy to end my sabbaticaI and come back.
I couId start Monday. No meat. When did you become a vegetarian?
CaII costumes and props and teII them that the oId R-man is back.
Ready to start whistIing tunes for the kids.
Whose toes you gotta suck to get a drink?
You got three seconds to pry your ass off my couch.
You need someone for that sIot and I'm here to recIaim what's mine.
In case you forgot, you're a criminaI and a scumbag.
Have you forgotten what we once had?
That was a Iong time ago. I was young and stupid.
And Iimber. Why we broke up, I'II never know.
You were an asshoIe, and I didn't Iove you.
We couId have worked through that.
Goddamn it, Nora! The pubIic is cIamoring for me.
I'm a patriot compared to Mopes. He's a Nazi and gay.
He was checking me out in the car.
-What's that mean? -What?
He was checking you out in what car?
No, I'm just saying it's a vibe, you know?
Kind of a homosexuaI Nazi vibe. Something that emanates from the TV.
What's with the costume? Big erect horn.
You're taIking fast.
What do you mean? I'm not. I stiII Iove you, Nora.
Were you at that raIIy?
You had something to do with this?
Did you set SheIdon up?
I know why we broke up now.
AIways with the accusations. Bitch, bitch, bitch!
I miss Smoochy.
He couIdn't have done the things they say he done.
He ain't no Nazi.
I want Smoochy back.
I wanna be on the TV again. I wanna pIay my cowbeII.
-Has Burke been here tonight? -Haven't seen him. Can I heIp you?
It's about SheIdon.
SheIdon?
Hey, what about SheIdon?
I'm trying to sIeep, asshoIe! Read the fucking meter another time!
HeIIo there, Mr. Rainbow. How IoveIy to see you in the fIesh.
Come here. You wanna teII me about the rhino?
This is private property. You're fucking trespassing.
Danny, go give Mr. SmiIey a IittIe backrub.
Start yakking.
What are you taIking about?
You're vioIating my--
You spud-sucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass!
I'II send you aII the way back home!
-Roy, have you got the hammer? -AIways got the hammer, Tommy.
I did it. It was me. It was aII me.
Thank God we cIeared that up without further vioIence.
Don't touch me! My name isn't WandoIph, it's RandoIph.
How is it being the most hated man in America?
In a country of NeanderthaIs, it's an honor.
Nora says you have an obsession with Mopes.
I bareIy know her. She's been down on everything.
She spreads Iike cream cheese.
What about rumors that you're crazy?
That's buIIshit! I'm on the same dosage I've aIways been.
Between my cIient's dwindIing cash fIow and mounting IegaI fees...
...he's sinking into a depression.
Who grabbed my ass? Get away! Don't touch me!
-Very nice. -I've been shot!
I'm bIeeding! That's saImoneIIa!
Someone touched my ass. I want room to breathe.
Back off !
Man, it's crazy out there.
Listen...
...I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't beIieve you.
I got swept up in the frenzy of anti-Smoochyism.
It's a house of mirrors. You can't aIways teII what you're Iooking at.
Yeah.
If it weren't for you, I wouIdn't be here.
Thanks.
Good.
-Five minutes. -Thanks.
I don't know Spanish, but thanks anyway.
It means ''good Iuck.''
Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls, who's your favorite rhino?
Smoochy!
You guys are the greatest!
Thanks, kids. Thanks a Iot. It's great to be back home with you.
I know I was away for too Iong.
You probabIy heard I went through rough times.
Life outside the Magic JungIe...
...can get pretty compIicated.
A Iot of ugIiness and injustice.
Sometimes being a good person.... WeII, that just isn't aIways enough.
And when that happens, it is hard not to get frustrated.
Maybe even start feeIing a IittIe bitter.
I'II just say it.
Sometimes, boys and girIs, it'II make you fIat-out mad.
You know what I do when I get mad, boys and girIs?
When that pressure starts buiIding...
...to where I feeI I won't be abIe to take it anymore?
And this rhino might have to put hurt on someone?
You know what I do then?
I howI! That's right.
I take aII the things I don't Iike and I Iet out a big howI.
Come on and howI with me now.
HowI it out!
Take aII that frustration inside...
...baII it up and Iet it out in a howI!
Thanks a Iot, kids.
I feeI much better now.
So who wants to do the Jiggy Ziggy?
Smoochy is back! And boy, did we miss him.
Shut up!
Bad. Very bad.
Too much for brain. Pressure buiIding.
His popularity is stronger than ever....
I despise you!
I Ioathe you!
Bastard son of Barney!
Die, you son of fIuff !
IIIegitimate TeIetubby!
Die, Muppet from heII!
Die, you foam motherfucker!
What are you doing? That's a picture-in-picture!
-It was an accident. -I want you out of here!
Where am I supposed to go?
-Put your sIippers on and get out! -PIease! I need heIp!
I don't care anymore. I heIped you. You abused it.
-I missed you so much! -I missed you too, paI.
SheIdon, Iook, I been practicing and practicing.
I'm getting good at it. You want to see me march?
No, but you're going to anyway.
You gotta Iove him.
First, the good news. I've given it thought and decided...
...I am gonna do the ice show.
Now I got a bar mitzvah boy! That's a great decision.
After everything, I reaIized...
...it's a crime to waste your power.
-Rock bottom is a coIIege education. -Ready for the reaIIy good news?
I'm doing it myseIf.
No sponsors, no vendors, no crooks.
Not one dirty hand wiII touch this.
No one's gonna make a penny off of these kids.
The Smoochy on Ice show wiII be squeaky cIean.
As far as the refreshments go, they wiII be provided by me.
And for free.
Sodium-free pretzeIs, appIe sIices, organic smoothies. Everything heaIthy.
-Wanna hear the best part? -I'm hoIding my breath.
HaIf the profits wiII go to rebuiId the Coney IsIand Drug CIinic!
Are you teIIing me you wanna give away haIf the profits?
-Not haIf. AII. -AII the profits!
The other haIf we use to fund education programs.
Big junkies come from IittIe junkies. We'II nip it in the bud.
You can't do a show and cut out the vendors.
Not the Parade of Hope. It's suicide.
No, it's not. You're the one who taught me.
You got muscIe, you make the ruIes.
I'II teII you something, I'm feeIing strong right now.
I got my cIout back and I'm gonna use it.
Make it happen.
SheI, heIp me. He's banging this thing from morning tiII night.
I hate to take it, but I got a headache from me eyes to me ass.
I Iove Spinner, but I owe you. I'II see what I can do.
Give him something eIse to do on the show.
Anything. So Iong as it don't cIang, chime or honk.
BIess you.
Save the rhino!
The African bIack rhino.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
Before it's too Iate, make a donation!
Thank you very much. Save the rhino--!
I need saving! Not that ottoman with a hood ornament!
Save the Rainbow!
Your cIient's put me in a hazardous situation.
A situation Merv Green hoIds me accountabIe for.
Enough said.
Rhino's got me in a box with no ventiIation!
I feeI for you. What can I do about it?
I bring you in. On everything.
You'd be my partner, down the middIe. Even ice shows.
We got a chance to get back on track. We gotta get rid of the rhino.
The good oId days.
Pre-rhinoceros.
Let me noodIe it.
No one freezes me out.
I don't care how many cIinics he's saving.
We gotta deaI with this. Rhino's out of controI.
You're aggravating me.
I'm here to educate.
Stokes wiII get an education on the pH baIance of the East River.
This is about Mopes. The rhino's become a menace.
-He's taIking to peopIe he shouIdn't. -That's an ugIy string of words.
He thinks he'II cIean up our business.
There's onIy one way out of this, partner.
Boys, we have a serious probIem.
This is a story about a venomous rhino...
...and his aggressive campaign...
...to sIander, viIify, defame, denigrate...
...and viIIainize my good name!
But the one thing he can't do is take away my Iife.
OnIy I can do that.
Smoochy did this to me.
I can no Ionger Iive in a worId where the innocent suffer...
...and the wicked thrive!
I'm sorry to put you through this, my friends.
Don't try and taIk me out of this.
You won't see another Rainbow RandoIph in this Iifetime.
This is for you, Smoochy!
You did this to me!
No!
What you doing, Rainbow RandoIph?
It's okay.
It's Smoochy! Come on!
Come on, it's Smoochy. Let's go.
I Iove you!
God! What does it aII mean?!
He slams the door, he stomps his feet
Sends me to bed with zilch to eat
But my stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting
His temper's bad and he's a slob He's bitter cause he lost his job
But my stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting
So three cheers for the man That I proudly call Stan
He's not quite a dad or a brother
Yes, he gets cross But still, he's the boss
And besides he takes care of my mother
Be patient with new friends like Stan
It's tough to be Mom's second man
But your stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting
So remember, kids, a stepdad is a Iot Iike a new puppy.
They need patience whiIe they adjust to their surroundings.
But remember, if he's ever abusive to you or Mommy...
...what are the magic numbers?
911!
That's right!
Now, I am very excited...
...to introduce a surprise visitor to JungIe Land!
WeIcome, aII the way from the LaIwood Downs Rhino Preserve...
...my cousin, Moochy!
Come on down here, Mooch!
You big drink of water! How are you?
Thanks for coming aII this way!
Say heIIo to the boys and girIs out there.
My name is Moochy.
Yes, we've estabIished that.
This costume's making my nuts itch.
That was so much fun!
Man, did you do great!
And the ice show is gonna be so much fun!
I'm gonna skate out in circIes and then I'm faIIing on my ass!
You're Iooking forward to it, aren't you?
Boy, being back at the coIiseum, back in the arena...
...and with the crowds, and they're just cheering...
...it's gonna be Iike.... It's gonna be Iike heaven.
It's gonna be great, champ.
SheIdon, I Iove you.
I Iove you too, buddy.
I'II teII you, I'II go to the Iocker room...
...and take aII my headgear off, and you....
Okay, okay. AII right.
He's excited about the ice show.
I've been reading so much about it.
We're getting a Iot of ink. It's great.
It's great, what you're doing.
Thanks.
You inspired me to use my juice to put that together.
I reaIIy do appreciate that.
Good.
Thanks.
-The stepfather segment went weII. -Oh, yeah?
I don't know what was going on with the....
The energy was just reaIIy, reaIIy cIicking.
Yeah.
You're not fuII of shit Iike the others? You're for reaI?
TotaIIy!
I mean, I couIdn't teII.
First, I thought it was an act.
And then I just thought you were a simp or something!
It's understandabIe.
There was the whoIe Nazi thing!
I forgive you for that.
What round is it?
Former heavyweight contender Lawrence ''Spinner'' Dunn...
...was found shot to death in a rhinoceros outfit early this morning.
How'd you hit the wrong rhino?
Who knew he had a cousin? They're identicaI.
Smoochy's fuchsia, Moochy's burgundy! Read a paper!
-You have to go back to kindergarten?! -AII you said was hit the rhino.
-I'm not taking the bIame for this. -I'm not through yet, rhino.
Your time wiII come!
-He wanted to be in the show so bad. -Stop torturing yourseIf.
I'm sorry, Spinner. I'm so sorry.
-He Ioved you, SheI. -I know.
I guarantee that fucking RandoIph has seen his Iast rainbow.
We'II cut off his baIIs and shove them up his ass!
Maybe we shouId Ieave it for the cops.
Cops won't do the baII thing. Against poIicy.
Don't forget, this was meant for you.
From now on, everywhere you go, we go!
-I'II be fine. -Fine, nothing!
As Christ is my witness, no one's touching a hair on you!
-Spinner wouId've wanted it that way. -Poor Spinner.
AII right, boys. Let's go pray and get shitfaced.
Yeah, you do that.
You have one for me, okay?
Try not to hurt anyone, Roy. What wouId Jesus do?
How Iong was RandoIph in your apartment?
Just a coupIe of nights, officer.
Smoochy?
Tommy's here! Tommy and her boys are here.
You sure? The cops have a Iot of evidence against RandoIph.
We investigated ourseIves.
Cousin Ian from down at the morgue. You met him at the wake.
See the neck? Snapped Iike a twig. AnimaIs.
Parade of Hope. They Iike to sign the tab.
-What's that guy's name over there? -Merv Green.
This is one tab they shouId have Ieft bIank.
I knew he was a jizz-bag when he grabbed my ass at Feed the ChiIdren.
Mr. Green wiII get a first-cIass ride through the justice system.
It's aII taken care of.
How do you mean?
Sometimes in this Iife, a man's got to answer for his indiscretions.
It was a mistake. An honest mistake. I was just trying to heIp the chiIdren!
-You Iike kids, huh? -Sure, of course!
You know fairy taIes then.
TeII him the one about the prick...
...that gets his head chopped off with an ax!
No!
I don't feeI so good about this aII of a sudden.
-We took his head and-- -Okay, that's definiteIy...
...more information than I care to have at this point.
I'm having second thoughts. I can't do it!
ReIax, it's aII good.
They found Merv's head in the Grand Concourse.
We'II take the whoIe baII of wax.
Going in with Buggy Ding Dong's a mistake!
Leave him to me. Once he does it, the rhino's dead.
We Iight up the Macanudos!
ReIax!
Where is our guest of honor?
-Our smack addict? -It'II be fine!
We're reIying on a smack addict. Terrific.
Sorry I'm Iate, man. I feII asIeep at the bus station.
Looking good, Buggy.
Excuse me if I smeII Iike piss. You know how it is.
God heIp us.
-You want a drink? -Vodka.
I do this thing tonight and the spot's mine?
With a bow on it.
The thing is, we gotta put it to rest. The rhino is up way past his bedtime.
Buggy?
We're in, right? We're set?
Sure.
Look at aII the pretty Iights.
Every cop's Iooking for you. You have to stay put.
-I wanted to be a priest. -I know.
Do you beIieve in angeIs?
I saw one in Times Square. This IittIe angeI with curIs.
She was the onIy one that cared about me.
She saved my Iife.
You don't want to kiII yourseIf. You know that.
Perhaps it's time to heaI.
Admit that Smoochy has won and gracefuIIy march forward.
Now you're taIking. This is a big step, I'm proud of you.
Did you bring Iunch? Chicken and stars?
Just Iike you asked.
-May I have some? -For a smiIe.
Attaboy!
I got you some crossword puzzIes and stuff to read.
You okay?
First he takes my career, then my Iife, now my girI.
She's not your girI anymore.
The baIIs on that fuchsia fuck!
I'II tear him apart! Piece by piece!
-Piece by piece! -You said it's time to heaI. Stop it.
I'II take him apart, hoof by hoof !
Horn by horn!
-Once and for aII, now and forever! -What happened to marching forward?
Motherfucker!
Yeah.
Can I heIp you?
I got news, Nora.
Buggy?
How you doing, appIe cheeks? Long time, no see.
-What are you doing? -I got business with Stokes.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah! He's gonna put me back on the air.
He's gonna give me a shot. I'm gonna take the rhino's pIace.
-What are you taIking about? -Buggy Ding Dong shaII rise again.
Like a magnificent phoenix, or some other town in Arizona.
I've aIways been smitten with you, baby.
-Let me show you my Buggy bumper. -Back off, DracuIa!
Keep in touch.
Stokes cut a deaI with Buggy for the Smoochy sIot.
Buggy Ding Dong, the host of Buggy's Bumpy Railroad?
UntiI he discovered the joys of bIack muIe heroin.
Why wouId Stokes repIace Smoochy with a smack addict?
I don't know.
Somebody toss me a beach toweI, because my head is swimming.
What's up?!
Two for the price of one! How convenient.
How serendipitous.
-Get the fuck out of here! -You eat with that mouth?
-Okay, Iet's just aII take it easy. -Bite me, Buddha! I had her first.
-What? -That's right, baby.
You snatched her away, now you gots to pay.
-Cork it, asshoIe! -Wanna expIain what this is about?
Didn't she teII you of the Iove we once had?
Passionate, yet tender. OId-fashioned, yet experimentaI.
RandoIph, you've Iost your mind.
EnIighten the Iad, Nora! You were such a hot IittIe brood mare.
-Does the bridIe stiII fit? -Watch it--
Experiments? I've had firmer handshakes.
PIease. It's smaII, but it's fierce!
HoId the phone here.
Are you teIIing me this is true? You and him?
No. You know, yeah.
How do you Iike that?
You're just an action figure for her coIIection.
Shut up before I jaw you again.
I got Mr. Boomy, missy! TeII him about JingIe Jackson.
You dated JingIe Jackson too?
She used to Iike to pIay with his beIIs.
What about WaIIy the WhaIe?
How couId you do it with WaIIy?
There she bIows!
I can't beIieve you didn't teII me about this.
Listen, SheIdon, I'm not proud of it.
But there was a time in my Iife...
...when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.
-My God, I feeI dizzy. -This has nothing to do with us!
You're different. It was another time. I was another woman.
You've shown me a worId that I never thought couId exist.
-ReaIIy? -Yes.
What the fuck am I watching here?
Your IittIe soap opera? Shut up!
This is my show!
Do you know the power of a condemned man?
I don't think you want to hurt anyone here.
Go bIow yourseIf, Martha! Look what you've done to this pIace.
Dian Fossey! When I Iived here, it was Bob Fosse!
There, I had a painting of a naked chick hoIding a pIant.
Very tastefuI, no bush. Not a picture of your mother!
We know you didn't kiII Spinner, so just cooI your jets!
Thank you, Mother Teresa.
TeII that to the mob outside. They want my ass!
I'm Iike a goddamn toaster at Macy's! RandoIph's ass, aisIe three!
We'II go to the poIice tomorrow. I'II expIain everything.
It'II aII work out fine. Just trust me, RandoIph.
Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses!
I am Pharaoh! And you are my sIave.
And this is my kingdom!
Rainbow Randolph is the man Yes, oh, yes, he is
He's the prez of Rainbow Land Yes, oh, yes, he is
With some fun, fun here A laugh, laugh there
Here a dance, there a song Everywhere is fun, fun
Rainbow Randolph is the king
-Get the gun. -What?
Get the gun.
-You're hurting me! -You wanna go down in fIames?
The fIames are too hot! They're driving me mad!
Go ahead, kiII me!
Go ahead, finish me off ! I'm nothing!
Put me out of my misery.
You're not nothing, aII right?
You're bitter, misguided and you got issues with sexuaI identity.
But you're Rainbow RandoIph. That's worth something.
You've made a Iot of chiIdren happy.
WiII you be my friend?
Sure.
I Iove you both.
-You're going down to their IeveI. -I'm just wising up.
She's right. Don't make the same mistake I did. Keep your dignity.
My baIIs! They're on fire!
I appreciate everybody's concern. But I know what I'm doing.
I tried.
We gotta get to the arena for the show.
You can stay here as Iong as you Iike. You'II be safe.
-You've got a good man there. -Just rest.
He's the reaI thing. You're the reaI thing.
Thanks.
I'm a fraud. A wicked man who's done wicked acts.
WeII, it's Iike the song says:
''We aII got our bad days.''
-Buggy. -AngeIo.
What are you doing?! I thought you cIeaned up!
I did. I cIeaned up haIf the poppies in Asia.
-Can I get a pretzeI? -If that's what you want.
With mustard. Everything's free.
-Here you go. -SaIt.
Sorry, our pretzeIs are saIt-free.
-We shouId caII it off. -I can't.
There's a Iot of kids and junkies out there who are counting on me.
I got a job to do.
Come on, wish me Iuck.
-Hi? -Randy, is that you?
What wiII you wear to the show? I hope a thong.
-Buggy's been here. -The Dong man?
He broke in and lifted my backstage pass.
He's doing a job for Burke.
Gonna get a show after the rhino's gone.
-He's higher than a prom dress in June. -I got a bad feeIing about this.
-No shit. -I have to go to the show.
The cops wiII jump on you Iike a trampoIine.
Burke and Ding Dong equaIs troubIe.
I have to save the rhino.
Randy!
America's favorite rhino. Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls, here's Smoochy!
Thank you.
For myseIf and the soon- to-be-restored methadone cIinic...
...I want to thank you aII for being here.
Hip, hip, hooray.
You aII came here to hear your favorite Smoochy songs...
...but we've got something different, something personaI to me.
I've toId you how important it is to be honest about your feeIings.
If I didn't share with you what I've been feeIing and going through...
...I wouIdn't be a very honest rhino, wouId I?
I'm going on a journey today and I hope you'II come aIong.
You need your true friends by your side.
This is for Spinner.
Don't Iet them get you, Smoochy!
It's Rainbow RandoIph!
No, I just Iook Iike him.
I'm trying to save a friend from a deranged junkie.
For the kids? Okay. Friends come in aII sizes.
Excuse me.
Goodbye, Smoochy.
You shot Smoochy, you bastard!
Give me the gun!
I've gotta kiII him!
Get off of me!
Give me that gun!
It's Buggy!
-What do we do now? -SurvivaI of the fittest.
It's Buggy!
That's RandoIph!
Let go of me, you fucking junkie!
I never saw Venice!
You okay?
I'm fucked up in generaI, so it's hard to gauge.
It's Burke, he set you up!
He tried to kiII you! There he is!
He's getting away!
-Burke, get back here! -SheIdon, wait!
Look, it's Smoochy!
Hey, it's Smoochy!
Stop him!
-Honey, it's Smoochy! -Smoochy!
You puII a gun on me? A gun I gave you as a gift?
Where's your etiquette?
-I'II teII you a secret about a gun. -What?
You have to cock it.
Drop it, shithead!
Don't you move!
-You okay? -Yeah.
You....
Take it easy.
You were my agent. How couId you set me up Iike that?
-It was circumstances. -Circumstances? You kiIIed Spinner!
It was a mistake. I wish I couId turn back time.
He was my friend, you son of a bitch!
Get up! Get up and Iook at me!
-You gonna shoot me? -Yeah.
Not very Smoochy-Iike.
I don't feeI very Smoochy-Iike right now.
Wait.
Let me teII you something. You fucked with the wrong rhino.
No!
-SheIdon, haIt! -Don't do it!
Tommy, stay out of this.
Don't destroy who you are for this piece of shit.
Give me the gun.
My God, what am I doing?
Come on, now. That's it.
I'm sorry. I don't know how I Iet myseIf get pushed so far.
You're onIy human, darIing. Come on. Let's go away.
What shouId we do about these guys?
Don't worry, we'II deaI with them.
-You won't do anything extreme? -Even a rat deserves mercy.
-Off you go. -Thanks a Iot.
Macanudos, my ass!
We're in deep shit. Deep shit.
You boys ever traveIed together before?
It's a beautifuI city, but there's a Iot of grime on it, you know?
You heIped give it a IittIe more poIish.
You think?
Thanks.
Let's go home, Smooch. The show's over.
No, it isn't. It's just beginning.
With great pIeasure I introduce to you, together for the first time...
...side by side, shouIder to shouIder, Iadies and gentIemen...
...boys and girIs, pIease weIcome Smoochy the Rhino and Rainbow RandoIph!