Subtitles by PeXuS www.zonezero.dk
My husband.
Thank you for last night.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Shit.
Today, these visusally-impaired senior citizens will fulfill a lifelong dream:
To swim with dolphins.
Hey, check this out.
-What is that? -Careful.
That is four years of research.
A technological breakthrough which might just save a life or two.
-What's it for? -A device to prevent...
...the beaching of cetaceans.
-That's whales to you and me. -Cetaceans, hush?
That's a pretty big word for a man-whore.
l'm not a man-whore.
l'm a fish enthussiast.
l stopped man-whoring when l met my wife.
My mom said your wife got eaten on your honeymoon...
...becausse yos tried to feed the sharks.
You tell your mom l was trying to feed the turtles.
Didn't realize there was meat sauce on the lettuce.
Whatever. l bet that thing doesn't even work, you stupid he-bitch.
-Come on, l got it. -Hey, you little bastards.
Give that back! That's not a toy!
That's the one. That's your grandma.
Give me..! Come on! Give me..!
Something seems to be going wrong. l'm not sure what's happening.
l gotcha! l got..!
Hey, everybody. l'm home.
Hi, Kate. l missed you today.
The prototype's almost working.
All it needs is a few minor adjustments.
Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where three blind swimmers are missing.
I hope that man rots in hell!
It was some weird guy. He tried to touch my ball..
-Hello? -Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.
It's your old buddy T.J. here.
-T.J.? -I'm in Amsterdam.
Man, you'd love it here. lt's like Disneyland for college students.
You wouldn't believe this.
Why don't you come and let your friend T.J. show you a good time.
-Oh, that's crazy. l can't. -Look.
lt ain't like you got something better to do over there.
Amsterdam is so far away.
Police have just released a sketch of a man wanted for questioning.
Witnesses report he is goofy-looking and probably a virgin.
On the other hand, far away could be good.
ls my wife gonna be okay in there?
-She'll be fine, sir. -All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 10 from Helsinki is now arriving
Excusse me. l think there's been a mix-up.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
That's okay. l always wondered what it felt like to be a white woman.
-Can l borrow it? -Give me that.
Hold on.
All rows now boarding for Amsterdam.
Excusse me.
Okay.
Hey, how many people get to do this on their honeymoon?
You're sure it's safe to feed the turtles?
You have nothing to worry about. l'm a fish expert, remember?
What is that over there?
Oh, that's just some kid with a fin on his back, trying to scare us.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
Do you think the hotel would let us swim if there were sharks?
Come on. This is Mexico.
They know what they're doing.
This shirt's gonna be a great icebreaker.
Fuck you, American, you imperialist bastard!
l love America. l love President Bush.
Thank you for bringing democracy to lraq.
-Shut up! -Oh, shit!
Oh, hello. Sir.
-ls this okay? -You did miss a spot.
Did l get it?
Put some elbow in it.
Sorry, honey.
What's with all these red lights?
l wonder if they know their curtains are open.
Oh, man.
Ahoy there!
Big Deuscey in Amsterdam.
Man, get on over here.
Deucey.
-Look at this boat. -Check this out.
You like that?
l couldn't be happier for you.
Come, let me show you my float-crib.
-Okay. -Looking like money.
l'm telling you, you gonna have a good time, man, hush?
Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
lt's nice. l like what you've done with it.
Now, if you gotta use the bathroom, lift up the toilet seat.
This is where l live. This is my home.
l don't want nobody pissing on my toilet seat.
What do you think of the float-crib? You feeling it?
T.J., l think you got a bad leak here.
No, no, no. lt's just high tide.
ls that what l think it is?
Yeah. l brought Kate.
l really wanna show her a good time, you know?
Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.
Deucey.
Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.
-You gotta move on with your life. -T.J.!
Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?
l no more man-whore. Too much danger.
Excusse us for a moment, Deuscey.
Listen up, Lil' Kim.
When your little bony ass had SARS, who got you out of quarantine?
-Go make me some money. -No way!
l take my three inches elsewhere.
So l thought l'd come over here and make a killing.
Got myself a houseboat, some ho's.
The only thing a woman love more than a man-ho...
-...is a floating man-ho. -Makes sense.
Then all these man-whore murders started.
My he-bitches got too scared to go to work.
What kind of world do we live in...
...where the streets ain't safe for male prostitustes?
Here's your hashish.
-Enjoy. -Hashish?
-Yeah. -No.
l thought this was a coffee shop.
Let me break it down for you. You're in Amsterdam.
lf you want coffee, you go to a café.
lf you want marijusana, ganji or some freaky-deaky, you go to a coffee shop.
That's where you is now.
Put that away. Cops. Cops!
Hold it right there.
Now, that joint looks loose. lf yous want, l'll roll the next one.
Have a good evening, hush?
Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey. This is Amsterdam.
lt's perfectly legal over here. You want a hit?
No. l'm not smoking nothing.
Oh, come on, man.
-Deucey don't smoke. -Suit yousrself.
Well, well, well, if it ain't Heinz Hummer...
...the gigolo with the most below.
What do you want, T.J.? l'm busy.
l wanna introduce you to my friend, Deuce Bigalow.
-He's a gigolo from America. -Hi.
Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.
How much you getting for a Filthy Ramirez these days?
l could get you more.
A Filthy Ramirez? Where have you been?
Nobody pays for that shit anymore.
See you around, T.J.
The Man-whore Awards are coming up.
You wanna win the Golden Boner?
l already won it twice.
Just ask your ex-fiancée.
Man, why you gotta bring up Delisha like that?
l can't believe prostitution's legal here.
Oh, yeah, it's big bussiness. They got a union, dental plan.
Man, if l had a he-bitch like Heinz Husmmer...
...put me back in the game.
-ls he that good? -''ls he that good?''
They don't call him ''Lord of the Wangs'' for nothing.
Man, what l wouldn't give....
For Heinz's wang?
No, l don't want Heinz's wang! l want him as a client.
Hey, man, keep your voice down.
Talking about me wanting Heinz's big juicy wang.
People would think l'm gay.
Now, a pimp's only got one thing in this world:
His reputation.
Here you are, gentlemen. Fresh today.
-What is this? -Spacecake.
-Why do they call it that? -You know...
...it's what the astronauts eat. Like Tang.
l'm starving.
-lt's a little dry. -Keep eating. lt gets better.
-Yous sure you don't want any? -No.
Never been high, never gonna be.
This is pretty good cake, though.
Fucking excellent.
You.
Come on in here.
You--? You want me to...?
Yes, you.
-Maybe you can help me. -Really?
l don't want a man who's chiseled and sculpted.
l like soft and weak.
-You do? -l want a man who's unemployed.
And went to a community college.
l am, and l did.
-You know what really turns me on? -What?
ls thinking about him in his tighty whities...
...sitting at his computer...
...and visiting different porn sites...
...and taking the free tour with no intention of ever joining.
l don't have a credit card!
-Kiss my chest. -Okay.
Harder!
-Bite me! -You sure?
Harder! Bite me harder!
Get off of my titty, you doped-up cracker!
No more spacecakes for you.
Hey. l'm sorry about that, T.J. l must have gotten a contact buzz.
What'd l tell you about making me look gay?
Not ten minutes go by and you got your mouth...
...all over my breasteses.
My nipple's ruined!
You're lucky l was born with a spare.
There go one of my ho's.
The old guy in the walker's one of your ho's?
Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass out there making me my money?
Kaiser! Get your old ass back in the booth!
Deucey, meet me back at the float-crib.
Bitches out here act like they never seen a pimp before.
l raise my hand, they look at it like it's a goddamn croissant. Then:
Feel my pimp hand.
Where's the boat?
Oh. You scared me.
Hey. Do you know who l am?
l am Heinz Hummer. l'm the gigolo with the most below. Okay?
l can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before.
l could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle...
...that will make you scream all night. Okay?
But not now because l'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch.
Wait a second. Do l know you?
''New-jizz-fizz...
...ver-bur-ger-king....''?
Heinz.
Man, are you wasted.
l gotcha.
Coming up next, more weather.
What's this?
Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out.
Holy shit.
Europe just got a little better.
Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.
-You gotta keep your bitches in line. -Yeah.
-What's he doing here? -l found him passed out in the alley.
l couldn't just leave him there.
l put in a good word for you.
Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.
l knew you'd come around.
Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out. Heinz is dead.
No. He can't be.
l'm telling you, Heinz is dead. See for yourself.
Watch this.
Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.
l can't believe you brought a dead man-whore in my home.
-What were you thinking? -l didn't know you could die from pot.
This is no pot-related fatality. This is no ganja accident.
This man was murdered.
The Man-whore Killer did this?
-We gotta call the police. -No, no, no! Hey, hey!
Goddamn, white boy.
You think the police gonna believe a black pimp...
...had nothing to do with a dead prosti-dude in his crib?
Before l toss your dumb ass in the canal, l just wanna say...
...for the record, under T.J.'s management...
...this would have never happened.
l just gotta see what all the fuss was about.
Goddamn!
No wonder Delisha never came back.
That shit's the real Loch Ness monster.
What's over there?
-Look where his hand is. -What the shit is this?
What you looking at? Turn off them damn cameras!
l ain't gay! l was only looking down his pants...
...becausse l heard his schlong was so big and juicy.
Wait a minute. That didn't sound right.
-Perv! -Give me them damn cameras.
Where is he?
We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld for this special report.
The suspected Man-whore Killer...
...has been spotted on the Prinsengracht Canal...
...attempting to dispose of his latest victim.
-I ain't gay! -The suspected killer...
...has been identified as Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.
-You idiot. -He is still at large...
-...and extremely.... -Hold it!
Hey. Hey, guys! How's it going?
-Where is he? -l don't know.
-Where is he? -l swear l don't know.
Your loyalty is impressive, sir.
You've once been arrested for man-whoring, were you not?
Look, l wasn't really man-whoring
Please, Mr. Bigalow. l've heard this a thoussand times.
You were cold, you were frightened.
He took you under his arm and fed you.
He made you feel sexy.
He told you how to hide money in every orifice.
But your friend is obviously a killer.
T.J.'s not a killer.
lf he isn't a murderer...
...then what was he doing checking out a dead man's penis?
l guess he was curiouss.
He heard it was big and jusicy...
...and wanted to see for himself.
A lot of guys do that.
No, they don't.
Okay.
T.J.'s gay.
-Really? -Not normal-gay, but, you know...
...crazy-gay, you know?
Musical-theater-gay.
ls that why he puts lipstick...
...on all his victims?
Wait a minute.
ln the alley, l heard someone whistling.
And l saw someone.
A woman...
...in a leopard coat.
People see a lot of crazy things when they're high on spacecake.
There's drugs in spacecake?
Mr. Bigalow, l will find your pimp whether you help me or not.
-T.J., thank God you're here. -How'd you find me?
lt's the only chicken and waffle place in Holland.
So a black man's gotta be at a chicken and waffles place?
That's racist.
-But you are here. -Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.
-lt's a nice place. -Did you know Holland invented...
-...chicken and waffles? -Really?
Before that, you could only get chicken or waffles.
But they were the first to put them together.
Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
You do know the Dustch started the slave trade.
Those motherfuckers!
Who let them print this?
Look, we're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
l don't give a damn about that. lt's the ''extremely gay'' part.
lf l'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms.
Get out of jail and become a huge rapper.
But a gay pimp?
-Like, where l'm going? Vermont? -Look, T.J...
...l think l saw the real killer.
lt was a woman.
Some she-john went on a he-bitch killing spree...
...becausse she wasn't satisfied with a Filthy Lopez.
-What's a Filthy Lopez? -Forty bucks. Same as downtown.
All we do is find the she-johns that went out with the dead gigolos.
-One of them is our killer. -Make sense.
-You gotta get back on the horse. -Horse? What horse?
The man-whore horse.
We gonna use your white ass as bait.
Bait? Look, l'm not man-whoring.
We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle.
Twat-sicle? Gross! No.
Give this to my mama.
Tell her l'm sorry l was a disappointment to her.
Sorry l called her friends in the middle of the night...
...when l was pleasuring myself.
And tell her she don't have to worry anymore about her baby.
Even if l wanted to, how are we gonna find a dead gigolo's customers?
We'll go to the man-whore union. But be careful.
They'll be looking for me.
Meeting of the Royal Order of European Man-whores...
...is now in session.
These are the highest paid he-bitches in Europe.
That? That's Rodrigo. He's from Spain.
He can tie shoelaces with his tongue.
That? That's Enzo. He's ltalian.
His nutsack is insured for a million dollars.
-That's 500 grand each. -Check it out.
That's Assapopuluss from Greece.
He can actually kiss you with his butthole.
l'd like to never see that.
l'd like to say a few words about our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer.
Who's the blond guy?
Chadsworth Buckingham. Comes from a long line of ho's.
His great-great-great grandmother gave Henry Vlll crabs.
But l know Heinz would like to be remembered for most...
-...was being a male prostitute. -Hear, hear.
He was also a suspercilious cunt.
-Who's that guy? -Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch.
Heinz Hummer was undercustting all of us.
-What? -Yes.
He was charging the same price for straight sex...
...as he was for a Turkish Snow Cone.
-What? -Oh, yes.
He was also charging the same price for a Belgian Steamer...
...as he was for a Portusguese Breakfast.
As we sow, so shall we reap.
Thank you, Gian-Carlo, for those kind words.
Until this insane killer is apprehended...
...the union is going to institute a new security measure.
This ring locks snugly over your va-guy-na...
...and then communicates directly with a global satellite system.
There are rings of all sizes available, smaller for our Asian members.
Y'all know me.
My name is McManus.
l joined this union some 20-odd years ago for two reasons:
To have intercourse in exchange for cash...
...and two, to protect me rights as a man-whore.
But...
...three years ago...
...when this usnion told we man-whores...
...that we were to stop having intercourse with underage girls...
...l strongly disagreed.
But l did not stand up.
l'm ashamed to say l stood down!
And then three months later...
...this union told we man-whores...
...that we were to begin washing our private areas between customers.
Our private areas.
And once again, l'm ashamed to report to you gentlemen...
...l stood down!
But now, sir, for what am l to tell my 8-year-old boy...
...when he comes to me and he says:
''Daddy. Daddy.
What's that thing hanging off of your he-pussy?''
How am l to tell him, sir?
Deucey, yos can do this.
Due to high demand...
...each member will be only allowed two tickets...
-...to this year's Man-whore Awards. -How's it going?
l'm Deuce Bigalow. l'm a gigolo from America.
My friend Tiberius Jefferson is not the Man-whore Killer.
Homo!
Now, l'm convinced that the real killer...
...is a she-john.
Which means any one of you could be next.
Now, there are a couple hundred gigolos in this room.
Now, if we all work together...
...we can find out who the real killer is.
What do you say?
How come you didn't tell them l wasn't gay?
Did you not just see me get thrown through a window?
-What do we do now? -T.J. has an old friend...
...who just might be able to help us. Come on. Watch your step.
Right this way, please.
Deuce.
Antoine?
-Sit down. -lt's good to see you.
lt's been a long time.
This is the list from the man-whore union.
lt's got all the clients that went out with the dead gigolos.
Awesome!
Please be quiet. l went through a great deal of trouble to get this.
-Sorry. -Now, if you want to compete...
...with the European man-whores...
...you need to learn how to really please a woman.
-l should write some of this down. -Go ahead.
You must be able to pleasure a woman with..
With your..
Pleasure her with...?
Do you want me to try?
All right.
Women really like that?
Man-whore down.
Get the list. lt's in his pants.
All right. l think l got it.
Can't a brother stick his hand down another man's pants...
...without setting off the faggot alarm?
Marlene Alsmere. She went out with Diego and Heinz.
What am l gonna do if she tries to kill me?
Distract her with your magic she-nis, l'll look for evidence.
The lipstick and the leopard coat.
All right. Hi, l'm Deuce Bigalow. Hi, l'm Deuce Bigalow.
Hi, l'm Deuce-- Biggest lady l've ever seen.
That's a huge bitch.
Hi.
Cute kids. Are they yours?
Those pictures, they come with the frames. l'm unable to have children.
l'm so sorry. That must be very hard for you.
Evidence.
That big ho got food everywhere.
You're a nice man.
Now, take off your clothes.
Don't you wanna talk a little more? You seem very interesting.
Take them off!
''Dutch Bride.''
Baby walk to Mommy.
Come, come.
No! Like baby!
Baby walk to Mommy.
Good baby.
Come to Mommy.
Baby hungry? Want booby?
Baby never eat again.
You like them big hairy balls, don't you?
Bad pussy! Bad pussy!
Hold it!
Hold it right there. ls this truck full of marijuana?
Can't you read the sign?
No unloading pot in the red zone.
Write him up.
-But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday. -lnspector.
She's turning 13. We need all this pot for the party.
lnspector. l got these lipticks from Marlene Alsmere.
She was a customer of Heinz. She's big and strong.
-She could easily be the killer. -The lipstick the killer uses...
...is a very rare one.
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66. Discontinued in 1984.
But.... But....
Sir, l have a list of the women who went out with the murdered gigolos.
-Will you stop doing that? -Will you stop playing these games...
-...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding? -T.J.'s innocent.
Oh, don't make me laugh. ''T.J.'s innocent.''
Uncle! You forgot your lunch.
That's very nice. Thanks.
-Let me-- Let me help you with that. -Thank you.
Excuse me for asking...
...but why did you slap yourself like that?
Promise you won't laugh?
l promise.
l have obsessive compulsive disorder.
l have these little rituals that l can't help doing.
l can't touch doorknobs, l snap my fingers when l see a bus.
And when someone sneezes, l slap myself three times.
l've heard of that. That's not so bad.
l'm sorry. Bells make me do that.
lt got me kicked out of school.
lt's okay. Everyone's got a few weird habits.
Actually, l've got about 130.
So you're above average.
l mean.... l'm Deuce.
l'm Eva.
ls that a Sudanese Sweetlips?
-How did you know? -lt's, like, my top-five favorite fish.
They have one here at the aquarium.
l heard this place is incredible.
The doorknob?
l'll get it. Okay.
Thanks. Thank you.
He's beautiful.
That's really good.
Thank you.
Excusse me, but in America they don't allow smoking in aquariums.
Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally attack a country just to steal their oil.
What?
''What?'' Did l offend you? Are you going to shock and awe me?
Maybe you should check my pockets for weapons of mass destruction!
What? l just asked you to put your cigarette out.
And then what is next?
Take wine away from my children?
l put out this cigarette. God bless America.
The nicotine in that cigarette is poisonous.
-So they say. -lt could kill every fish in that tank.
Poor little fishy.
Hey. Why are you with that loser?
You have a nice ass.
l think this belongs to you.
You dick!
l would like to take you from behind.
My penis is uncircumcised.
No head.
lt's like a torpedo.
-You pig. -Oh, are you tired of swimming?
Did the little fishies not want to play with you?
Fuck off, you Yank!
l'm staying with my uncle for the summer.
Then l go back to art school in Brussels.
Could l take you out for coffee sometime?
You mean like a date?
Well, yeah.
Oh, the siren.
Right. Right. Siren.
Before l can go on a date l have to collect five different colored tulips...
...eat two herring and drink a beer from a wooden shoe.
Well, that sounds doable.
What is it?
The accordion player?
The Smelly Finger Dance.
One cheek at a time.
Hey, guys. l need a quick gigolo fix. What do you say?
l'm judging a sandcastle-building competition this afternoon...
...so l can't help you.
The dog ate my penis.
You don't have to walk me any further. l just work over there.
-l don't mind. -l'm kind of embarrased of my job.
l'm kind of embarrased of my job too. What do you do?
Bye, Deuce.
Well, well, well. lf it isn't Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.
lt's Bigalow.
What's your going rate, Douche?
Well, l was getting $ 10.
Okay, gigolo. Do you even know when a woman is having an orgasm?
Sure l know. lt's when she says:
''Please stop. lt's okay. You tried.
Now, get off me.''
l bet he doesn't even know how to give a Sneaky Castro.
Well, that depends. lf she wants it regular sneaky or extra sneaky.
There is no such thing as an Extra Sneaky Castro.
ls there?
lt's when you stick it in their....
lt's pretty convenient, your friend killing off all the competition.
l've got my eye on you, Small-Below.
Small-Below.
I'll be right down.
Okay.
This is the woman that went out with Heinz...
...the night before he was murdered.
Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho. l ain't gonna let you out of my sight.
Hi, you must be Lily. l'm Deuce.
Nice to meet you.
Would you like some bread?
Oh, l can't have bread.
lt's makes my esophageal lining swell up...
...and could block my throat-hole.
-Excuse me for a second. -Sure.
Pardon me. l had to clear.
Yeah.
-So, what do you do? -l just got fired.
-l'm sorry. -l was a phone-sex operator.
l only lasted a week. They were jealous of me.
l heard that Heinz Hummer had a bit of a jealous streak.
l bet you're glad he's dead.
Heinz was the most gentle man l ever knew.
l miss him and his mangina.
l can't take it anymore.
l'm sorry. l can see that you really liked Heinz.
-Here, let me get that for you. -Thanks.
-Let's go. -l think l'm gonna puke.
l started smoking again when l lost my job.
lf l don't find another one pretty soon, l'm gonna lose my house.
Well, we'll just have to find you a new one.
-Relax. Have some wine. -Thanks.
l don't normally drink red wine so....
l have hiccups.
-Gone down the wrong hole, l think. -Check, please.
Deuce, l can't thank you enough.
lt's good for you, it's good for them. l'm just glad it worked out.
-l better get to work. -l'll be hearing from you.
Okay.
The white zone is for loading and unloading of vehicles only.
There is no parking in the white zone.
Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.
The white zone..
l am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.
l am here for my 12:30 ass-hair bleaching.
Okay. How blond do you wanna go?
Gwyneth.
Good choice.
Oh, hey.
l got a real Janeane Garofalo situation back there, so go for it.
So, Enzo...
...got any she-johns lined up for tonight?
Well, l did a Chili Rainbow last night so l'm exhausted.
What about you, Assapopuslus?
l've got the herpes so....
What are you gonna do?
Liar!
-Mahmoud! -What's your excuse?
l just realized l'm gay.
Any of yous guys want a blowjob?
l do.
Well....
Okay, then. l better go put that penis in my mouth.
You're all afraid of the Man-whore Killer.
-No. Come on. -No, we're not.
-Get down! -l don't wanna die!
You really should find a better hiding place.
Oh, you haven't heard.
-Rodrigo's been killed. -No.
Oh, my God, why? He was just having his ass hair bleached.
He got much more than that, l can assure you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...
...has now joined the search for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.
Thank you very much.
So how about this next one? Svetlana Revenko.
The Russsian women are a little freaky down below.
Hair start in the front, don't end till it get to the back.
So if you gotta give a little mouth-to-south...
...put a clothespin on your nose.
l'll keep that in mind.
Wish me luck.
Gasov. You mind changing that to the weather channel?
lt's gonna be cold tomorrow.
l have been waiting for you, Mr. Bigalow.
Aren't you afraid to work with the Man-whore Killer on the loose?
What do you know about it?
Apparently there's some maniac who's killing them all.
Some people say they deserve it. What do you think?
l think everything happens for reason.
You're probably wondering why l'm wearing this veil.
l wasn't, but if you wanna talk about it, cool.
l grew up in Chernobyl.
Chernobyl.
-What a pretty name. -My mother...
...she work in nuclear reactor when she was pregnant with me.
lnstead of a nose, l was born with an appendage on my face.
A male appendage.
No shit?
l have always been a little self-conciouss about it.
Well, you shouldn't. l mean....
A lot of women would love to have a guy's dick on their face.
Yours is just permanent.
You are sweet.
And very handsome for an American.
l like you.
l would love to hear some Latin music.
Well, l'll see if the penis knows any.
l mean the pianist.
The guy playing the piano.
The band has started. Aren't we lucky?
Damn, no lipstick.
-You smell nice. What is it? -lt's Old Nice.
lt's a knockoff of Old Spice.
l like it, but l think it makes me sneeze.
What happens when you sneeze?
Oh, Jesus, l'm sorry.
Oh, good Lord. Now is a good time to turn.
Hi.
How long are you going to be staying in Holland?
Only until l can prove my friend T.J.'s innocent.
ls there someone waiting for you back home?
lt's kind of hard to explain.
Would you like to meet her?
She's here in Amsterdam?
lt's my wife.
l got her right here in my duffle bag.
Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.
She passed away a couple of years ago...
...and this is all l have left of her and l....
Nice to meet you.
She was very lucky to have someone so devoted to her.
Hey, can l see you when you get off work?
Oh, you know, l'd really love to, but l'm going to be so tired.
-Bye. -Okay.
Eva. Eva.
Did you just kiss me nine times becausse you're OCD?
No. lt's because l like you.
Excuse us, coming through.
What are they doing in there, anyway?
They're making a movie.
Cool. What kind of movie?
-l better get to work. -Okay.
ln there? You work in there?
-Yeah. Well-- -Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.
-Thank you. -Eva. Eva. Listen...
...we really need you on the set. All the guys are waiting.
-All the gusys? -Yeah. l can't keep them waiting.
Bye, Deuce.
l'll put your name on the list.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Back of the line, buddy.
Trust me, she's worth the wait.
lt's a closed set, you can't come in.
Like hell l can't.
Get off her, you little freak!
Eva, you don't have to do this.
Hey, l agreed to one midget, not two!
Deuce?
Eva, you don't have to do this.
Do what?
-This. -What?
This.
You painted that?
l'm a scenic artist.
So that's what you do here.
Hey, little friend. l guess l owe you a big..
Stoner Steve here! Who wants to get high? Stoner Steve!
-T.J., is that you? -Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude.
l've went out with every girl on that list in Holland.
-Find the rest of those bitches. -Those women live in other countries.
Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that snatch-pole and go find the real killer!
Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Café!
Hi.
Hey, look at that.
Look at that, right there.
Are yous sure?
T.J., there you are.
The girl with the giant ears heard Heinz talking...
...aboust some photo in the man-whore society. We gotta get in there.
-Why aren't you in disguise? -l'm in disguise.
l'm in blackface.
-But you're black. -Yeah, but l'm disguised...
...as a different black guy.
-You look the same. -What you trying to say?
-We all look alike? -No, that's not it.
You're such a racist. l got half a mind to stop helping you save me.
Come on. Jeez, let's go.
Excuse me. This is a private club. Man-whores only.
Hey, l'm a real good man-whore. Just go ask your mama.
Still. l'm going to have to ask you to leave.
That's what your mama said after l bang her.
Okay, that's it.
Go, go, go!
Hey, your mama is in here.
lt's okay. l know what l'm talking about.
lf you're going to stick two in there, you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.
l know what l'm talking about, huh?
Okay, l gotta go now, Ma.
Hey, this thing is locked.
Man! l only heard about this place.
This is where man-whoring all started.
Check it out. You know who this is?
He was the first guy to keep from shooting his load...
...by thinking about sports.
This guy, here? Baron Von Doggy Style.
Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle.
Froze to death sixty-nining a moose.
The only thing left of him is this stick...
...which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos.
Now, this brother here, Kunta Kuntlicker.
He's the Jackie Robinson of ass-eating.
Vladmir Suckmeov.
The first man-ho in space. They were studying...
...the effects of zero gravity on the reach-around.
-Will you cut it out? -l'm sorry. This is my Graceland.
Hey. Wait a minute. Hey, check this out.
That's the blond lady with the leopard coat. This must be the killer.
So, what are you going to wear to the Man-whore Awards?
l thought l'd go with a tux and satin chaps with my ass-plug cuff link..
-You left the trophy case open again. -Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.
Deucey.
-l gotta fart. -You gotta what?
-l gotta fart. -Well, hold it.
l hear something.
l think the building is squeaking.
Maybe it's a bird.
You idiot!
-Go. -Bigalow!
Security! Stop them!
T.J.
-Move the curtain! -What the hell?
Somebody smoked a he-bitch!
-Enzo? He kill Enzo. -No, no, l didn't do it.
What is that?
That is not a dick in my hand.
Anybody got some antibacterial gel? l got burnt dick on my hand.
Eva. Eva.
-l'm in the shower. -T.J.'s been arrested.
l can't hear you! l'll be out in a minute!
In his gayest murder yet, the homosexual Man-whore Killer...
...murdered famed gigolo Enzo Giarraputo.
Our meteorologist Trus is sick today. Filling in is Henk van de Berg.
What's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?
Like what?
l'll get that. l was a Boy Scout for almost a week.
So is your uncle home?
No. We're completely alone.
Would you like some cheese?
l'm lactose intolerant.
Why are you so jumpy?
Maybe l can help you relax.
You're shaking.
Maybe it's because l'm cold.
l can fix that.
Why don't you pour us a drink.
So l guess we're all alone, huh?
Yes.
Deuce. You're scaring me.
Eva.
Listen, everything l'm about to do is because l really care for you.
Oh, Deuce.
Now, l don't know why....
l don't know why you've done this, but l'm gonna give you everything l've got.
Deuce?
-Don't go in there. Stop! -Gaspar. Gaspar.
l know who the killer is. l know who the killer is.
l knew sooner or later someone would figure it out.
l'm sorry l have to be the one to tell you.
lt's Eva.
lt's Eva?
You mean my niece Eva?
l know it sounds crazy...
...but l found the lipstick. The same lipstick the killer used.
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66, at your house.
And you found it in the pocket of a trench coat hanging in the closet?
Exactly. Plus, l heard her whistling the same song l heard the killer whistle.
Like:
Now, you tell me. Why would anyone but the killer...
...be whistling that specific song? The odds would be astronomical.
Maybe the song got stuck in her head...
...because she overheard the real killer whistling it.
And maybe the real killer is someone...
...very near and dear to her, though she doesn't realize.
Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.
Look, l understand this must be very difficult for you...
...to be out-thunk by a civilian like myself.
But we have to put our egos aside right now...
...and do what's best for Eva.
She's clearly ill and she needs our help.
You're absolutely right.
You know, the only thing l can't think of is motive.
l mean, what could she have against man-whores?
Maybe because they represent a decline of this once glorious city...
...which has become a new Sodom and Gomorrah for rich college kids...
...to smoke hash, to fornicate with Venezuselan hookers...
...or to defecate on our historic cobblestone streets.
They don't defecate on the streets.
Well, how do you know he's a tourist? l mean, he could be a local.
Where is Eva now?
She's at your house.
Good.
Do you really think you need all those weapons?
She doesn't seem that dangerous.
-You're not gonna hurt her, are you? -You can never be too careful.
-That poor guy. -What a dipshit.
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men of Europe can breathe easy...
...safe in the knowledge that all of the continent's finest gigolos...
...are right here under one roof, all asking:
''Who is gonna walk away with the Golden Boner?''
In this car, we have Assapopulus and his date for the evening.
-Damn it. -His mother.
She's the woman that made me start into prostitustion...
...made me go into prostitustion. l wanted to become a doctor, but....
Uncle, you home?
What a beautiful couple, mother and man-whore.
''Man-Whore Awards''?
Please welcome your host for this evening. Johnny Vaughan.
Thank you very much. Can I just say, ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...
...a night where we celebrate guys who can get wood no matter what.
Do you know, they have gay-pride days.
-Oh, my God. -Yes.
-l'm going to kill them all. -But why?
Don't you see what's happening to our country?
But it's murder.
During the final number, when these man-whores are gathered on-stage...
...l push this little button and:
Bye-bye, gigolos.
Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime on your good friend Deuce Bigalow.
l won't let you!
lf you wanna stop me...
...it's as simple as touching this doorknob.
-Where's Eva? -Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.
-l'm going there too. -l'm coming with you.
Yes. Yes, you should be there too.
Now let me give you all the lowdown on T.J.
ln Thailand, l got a job in a carnival sideshow, eating broken glass.
We did six shows a day. That's a lot of broken glass.
And it's all collected in the lining of my anus.
My ass is like one big, nasty cheese grater.
Here to perform his signature move, the Chili Rainbow...
...would you please welcome Assapopuslus Borealis.
Deuce!
Deuce! Right here!
-Hey, Eva's right behind us. -Deuce, stop!
What are you doing? She's right back there.
-He's the killer! -What?
You're with the killer!
-l'm with the dealer? -He's the Man-whore Killer!
Eighteen-wheeler?
My uncle is the killer!
Oh! l'm with the.. You're the k..
She says that l am the killer, you stupido.
But why? What did man-whores ever do to you?
What did they do to me?
All my life l dreamed of being one thing: a gigolo.
Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.
l'll never forget that day. Never.
It was my first semester at Man-whore University.
Now, today, class...
...we shall learn how to give a lady a proper Portusguese Breakfast.
You take an egg and you crack it.
You mix them up.
Now, this is a good chance to sweet-talk the client.
-And? -And we pour that in there.
-Beautiful. Very nice, now. And.. -And don't forget the Canadian bacon.
Canadian bacon. l was getting to that.
-What are you doing? -lt's a penis enlarger.
Just a few pumps and it gets your thing bigger.
You mind if l give myself a few pumps?
Go nuts.
There we go. So there you have it.
Tell me. How was your Portuguese Breakfast?
Delicious.
-Elsa? -Gaspar?
They knew she was my fiancée.
And tonight l will get my revenge.
Leave it!
l'm from Canada and l'm wasted!
-Are you all right? -Yeah.
-Are you okay? -Stop! Stop!
Police business.
Come on, we gotta stop him.
Stop! Stop! Man-whore bussiness.
Before we present the award for Man-whore of the Year...
...let's take a moment to honor those gigolos who have recently passed.
Hey, Daddy. l was looking in your underwear drawer and l found...
...this bracelet.
Holy mother of God. That's not a bracelet, boy.
That is a device that your daddy has to wear on his he..
His he..
Happy birthday, son, you got a bracelet.
Great.
Let's go. Come on.
Now the award you've all been waiting for:
The Man-whore of the Year.
Listen. Go get help. l'll get all the gigolos off the stage.
Okay. Good luck.
Excuse me.
You have to get off the stage now or you'll all be killed!
Get the hell out of here, Douche, before l have you thrown out.
-There's a bomb on the stage! -You idiot.
You're all gonna die!
l'm the Man-whore Killer. This is a bomb!
Everybody out! Everybody get out!
You gotta get out of here!
You'll die with the rest of them, Bigalow.
Those gigolos robbed me of my manhood.
l was never able to satisfy a woman. l'll see to it that they won't either.
You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar. Because you can please a woman.
Those gigolos don't know what they're talking about.
ls he talking aboust us?
Do you really think all a woman wants...
...is some guy to give her a Mud Pretzel...
...or Turkish Snow Cone or an lrish Facial?
-Yes, they do, liar. -No, they don't.
A woman wants a guy who'll ask her about her day and really listen to her.
-Or at least pretend to. -Yes.
What?
When she's hurting...
...ask her how she feels.
-Cry with her. -Yeah!
These gigolos are just ripping women off!
l've never had any complaint from any of those freaks!
l faked it.
A woman doesn't care if you wear a Rolex watch...
...or have a gigantic schlong like Heinz Hummer.
This guy knows his shit.
What are you doing?
Anyone else?
lf you let a woman know you care, maybe she'll give you an lrish Facial.
We will die together, man-whore.
-You don't have to do this. -They ruined my life.
-Give me the detonator. -No.
My penis exploded.
Okay, that's a tough one. l'll give you that.
But having a penis is way overrated. Trust me.
No. No.
Gaspar!
Are you okay?
We did it.
That's the grossest thing l've ever seen.
And l've seen some pretty gross things.
-ln the car. -Put your head down.
l'll be seeing you again, man-whore.
Deuce, you saved the Man-whore Society.
The Golden Boner belongs to you.
Thanks. l'm..That's very....
This belongs to you too.
Hang it to the left.
You gonna eat that?
-Knock yourself out. -Thank you.
So l guess this means you're a real gigolo now.
l don't want you to treat me differently.
How much would you charge me for a kiss?
Well, the first one's always free.
-Deuce! -What?
Oh, no. No, it's..
lt's just this.
Deucey!
Thank you, Jesus.
Did anybody hurt you in there?
Oh, you asking if l got ass-punked. ls that what's happening right now?
-Not if you don't wanna talk about it. -Well, turns out l'm not that attractive.
Well, you've been cleared of murder...
-...but people still think you're gay. -Hey, hey, hey.
Don't tell nobody l'm not gay. Look at it:
T.J., the gay man's pimp.
l mean, l'm gonna corner the market. Check out my new bitches.
-Hello, darling. -Hi, sweetie.
Love you.
Let's get chicken and waffles. My treat.
So the first thing a brother wants out of prison is chicken and waffles?
-Oh, come on. -Get your she-cocks back to work.