1 00:00:25,213 --> 00:00:27,204 Tired of the same old you? 2 00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:31,206 Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? 3 00:00:31,293 --> 00:00:34,763 Tired of being overweight and under-attractive? 4 00:00:34,853 --> 00:00:36,332 Yeah. 5 00:00:36,413 --> 00:00:38,085 Oh, hello. 6 00:00:38,173 --> 00:00:43,486 l'm White Goodman, owner, operator and founder of Globo Gym America Corp. 7 00:00:43,573 --> 00:00:47,486 l'm here to tell ya that you don't have to be stuck with what you've got. 8 00:00:47,573 --> 00:00:50,041 Hey, Rory. Looking good. 9 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:55,412 At Globo Gym we that understand ''ugliness'' and ''fatness'' are genetic disorders, 10 00:00:55,493 --> 00:00:57,768 much like baldness or necrophilia, 11 00:00:57,853 --> 00:01:01,766 and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. 12 00:01:02,853 --> 00:01:05,447 That's where we come in. 13 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:08,650 Globo Gym employs a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff 14 00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:11,566 of personal alteration specialists. 15 00:01:11,653 --> 00:01:14,486 With our competitively priced onsite cosmetic surgery, 16 00:01:14,573 --> 00:01:17,645 we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning 17 00:01:17,733 --> 00:01:19,724 into a Franken-fine. 18 00:01:20,453 --> 00:01:22,603 Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense, 19 00:01:22,693 --> 00:01:25,287 but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you 20 00:01:25,373 --> 00:01:27,364 than you could ever become without us. 21 00:01:27,453 --> 00:01:31,207 How do l know? Well, l'm not only the founder of Globo Gym, 22 00:01:31,293 --> 00:01:33,204 l'm also a client. 23 00:01:35,653 --> 00:01:40,522 That's me, six years and 600lbs ago, before l knew how much l hated myself. 24 00:01:40,613 --> 00:01:43,081 That all changed once l founded Globo Gym. 25 00:01:43,173 --> 00:01:49,646 But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen to these Globo gymers tell you how it is... 26 00:01:52,973 --> 00:01:55,567 That feels good. 27 00:01:55,653 --> 00:01:57,848 Oh, the tickle machine. 28 00:02:00,933 --> 00:02:03,049 Crash, no. Crash, out. 29 00:02:03,133 --> 00:02:05,522 Bad dog. No grundle. 30 00:02:07,653 --> 00:02:09,803 Come on down and join the winning team, 31 00:02:09,893 --> 00:02:13,010 because here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. 32 00:02:13,093 --> 00:02:15,209 And we know it. 33 00:02:15,293 --> 00:02:17,284 Spare me. 34 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:28,610 Mr La Fleur, this is Doris from the Department of Water and Power. 35 00:02:28,693 --> 00:02:32,003 We've been trying to reach you, but your phone was disconnected. 36 00:02:32,093 --> 00:02:35,483 We'll be shutting off your water and power at 5pm today 37 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:40,772 due to an eight-month overdue account. Thank you and have a nice day. 38 00:02:40,853 --> 00:02:44,892 This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue. 39 00:02:44,973 --> 00:02:50,923 Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5 and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you. 40 00:03:05,693 --> 00:03:08,526 Come on, baby, be there. Be there. 41 00:03:14,853 --> 00:03:18,323 lt's gonna be a good day. l'm proud of you. 42 00:03:28,413 --> 00:03:34,329 We're just around the corner. My gym's here. l promise we're almost there. 43 00:03:34,413 --> 00:03:36,210 You guys are lifesavers. 44 00:03:36,293 --> 00:03:39,205 l appreciate the effort. Don't pull a hammy over it. 45 00:03:44,293 --> 00:03:47,808 Gimme that garbage. Shouldn't you be on a treadmill? 46 00:03:51,493 --> 00:03:52,482 Hey, Peter. 47 00:03:52,573 --> 00:03:56,122 - How's my little tax shelter this morning? - Everything's shipshape. 48 00:03:56,213 --> 00:03:59,489 Don't hold out on me. What's happening? 49 00:04:00,413 --> 00:04:04,486 lt's just l'm trying this new voicemail-dating thing. 50 00:04:04,573 --> 00:04:08,725 And, like, no one's even left me a message, and it's been almost two months. 51 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,281 There's someone out there for everybody. 52 00:04:11,373 --> 00:04:12,965 - You think? - Absolutely. 53 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:17,569 ln some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. l like to call that ''the jackpot''. 54 00:04:17,653 --> 00:04:19,644 See you later, dater. 55 00:04:21,493 --> 00:04:23,449 - Hey, Peter. - Hey, Gordon. 56 00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:25,842 - l'm wailing on my glutes. - Sounds great. 57 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,972 l'm gonna shock the biceps later, then some cardio. Keep the body guessing. 58 00:04:30,053 --> 00:04:34,285 - l like to keep my body guessing. - Sure. l wanted to ask you something. 59 00:04:34,373 --> 00:04:36,967 - Did you catch the game last night? - Can l say yes? 60 00:04:37,053 --> 00:04:39,567 Amateur curling championships on ESPN8. 61 00:04:39,653 --> 00:04:42,929 - l had no idea. - You missed a doozy. Really great stuff. 62 00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:45,811 l feel dumb for asking, but how did you hear about it? 63 00:04:45,893 --> 00:04:49,408 - OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly. - Of course, the OSQ. 64 00:04:49,493 --> 00:04:52,053 Started reading it in college, for the chicks. 65 00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:54,727 - l'm glad that worked out for you. - Thanks, Peter. 66 00:04:54,813 --> 00:04:57,281 - Bye. - Love the orange and love the headphones. 67 00:04:57,373 --> 00:04:59,841 When l come back, l want you on a different machine. 68 00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:07,608 - You need a spot? - l'm cool, Pete. 69 00:05:07,693 --> 00:05:10,526 OK, come on. Let's get this out of here. You OK? 70 00:05:10,613 --> 00:05:14,731 - You're like a human Chinese puzzle. - Thanks, Pete. 71 00:05:14,813 --> 00:05:17,043 All that weight is dangerous. 72 00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:21,490 lt'll be worth it when l make the cheerleading squad. Prove to Amber that l'm not a loser. 73 00:05:21,573 --> 00:05:26,169 Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser? 74 00:05:26,253 --> 00:05:28,642 Yeah. Why? 75 00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:31,406 Nothing. High school's changed a bit since l was a kid. 76 00:05:31,493 --> 00:05:35,372 Plus, all anyone ever remembers is what happened at last year's tryouts. 77 00:05:35,453 --> 00:05:37,444 l'm the laughing stock of the school. 78 00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:42,482 l'm sure it's not that big of a deal. What happened at last year's tryouts? 79 00:05:43,173 --> 00:05:45,528 Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched. 80 00:05:46,053 --> 00:05:49,045 - Hey, Amber. - Hi, Justin. Good luck. 81 00:05:49,133 --> 00:05:52,887 Good luck to you, making yourjudgments. 82 00:05:52,973 --> 00:05:56,409 And from the girls' line, we need girl number 83 00:05:56,893 --> 00:05:58,929 00, Martha Johnstone. 84 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,522 Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK? 85 00:06:09,693 --> 00:06:12,082 l'm not wearing any panties. 86 00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:16,328 Ready? One, two. 87 00:06:19,093 --> 00:06:21,084 Liberty, ready? 88 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:35,087 - Dude. - Can he breathe? 89 00:06:41,213 --> 00:06:43,124 - Wow. - Yeah. 90 00:06:43,213 --> 00:06:47,570 - lt was the worst. - Don't worry about this Amber situation. 91 00:06:47,653 --> 00:06:50,645 - lt'll all work itself out in the end. - Thanks, Pete. 92 00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,963 You'll laugh at this one day. l'm laughing. 93 00:06:53,053 --> 00:06:56,045 Go at your own pace. That's what it's there for. 94 00:06:58,053 --> 00:07:01,682 - Who goes there? - lt's me. lt's Peter. 95 00:07:06,133 --> 00:07:08,966 'Tis about the matter of payment for me membership. 96 00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,964 Steve be a touch short this month. 97 00:07:11,053 --> 00:07:13,123 That's all right. Just pay me when you get the money. 98 00:07:13,213 --> 00:07:17,445 The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. l'll make a barter with you. 99 00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:23,244 ln exchange for your kindness, l'll be splitting me buried treasure with you. 100 00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,289 Once l find it, that be. 101 00:07:25,373 --> 00:07:30,401 l'm flattered by the gesture, but a couple of bucks here and there will be fine. 102 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,484 Thanks, Peter. 103 00:07:32,573 --> 00:07:35,133 - l'll be on the StairMaster. - OK, Steve. 104 00:07:35,213 --> 00:07:39,001 - Next time, maybe just say ''hello''. - Gar. 105 00:07:44,813 --> 00:07:46,690 Hello. 106 00:07:46,773 --> 00:07:49,606 lt's not my birthday till next month, but terrific. 107 00:07:49,693 --> 00:07:51,809 l'm so sorry. Hi. 108 00:07:51,893 --> 00:07:55,681 l'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone. 109 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,688 - Your bank? - Right. My bank. 110 00:07:58,773 --> 00:08:03,085 - You are very attractive for a banker. - Thank you. l'm not a banker, l'm a lawyer. 111 00:08:03,173 --> 00:08:06,643 Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes? 112 00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:09,122 Sexual harassment, mostly. 113 00:08:09,213 --> 00:08:13,286 But l also handle real estate and tax law, which is why l'm here. 114 00:08:13,373 --> 00:08:16,729 - This place is in default? - No. You're in foreclosure. 115 00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:19,691 You were in default when we sent you delinquency notices. 116 00:08:19,773 --> 00:08:22,810 - l thought those were just warnings. - They were warnings. 117 00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:27,603 No one warned me. What happens now? l make my payments out to somebody else? 118 00:08:27,693 --> 00:08:31,242 You have 30 days to pay the balance of your mortgage, or you lose your gym. 119 00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:34,803 Perfect. What's the damage? What do l owe you? 120 00:08:34,893 --> 00:08:36,565 $50,000. 121 00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:42,771 Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have to wait till the end of the month to cash her? 122 00:08:42,853 --> 00:08:47,290 l do have to switch some funds. The charity l like to work with is gonna take a hit. 123 00:08:47,373 --> 00:08:50,729 Mr La Fleur, l can assure you this is a very serious situation. 124 00:08:50,813 --> 00:08:54,362 Yeah. This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch. 125 00:08:54,453 --> 00:08:59,607 lt's Ms. l'll need to review all of your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities. 126 00:08:59,693 --> 00:09:02,491 Absolutely. l don't know how you say ''Ms'' for ''Mr'', 127 00:09:02,573 --> 00:09:05,246 but if there was a ''Ms Mr'', l'm a Ms as well. 128 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:10,086 You do keep financial records? lnvoices, revenue reports, taxable income. 129 00:09:10,173 --> 00:09:13,290 You kidding? l got a closet full of 'em. l call 'em keepers. 130 00:09:17,853 --> 00:09:21,562 - Problem is l've never really filed them. - No kidding. 131 00:09:21,653 --> 00:09:24,963 Just out of curiosity, who would want to buy this place anyway? 132 00:09:25,053 --> 00:09:27,726 Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it. 133 00:09:27,813 --> 00:09:31,601 Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up. 134 00:09:31,693 --> 00:09:35,003 One more, bitch. One more, bitch. 135 00:09:35,093 --> 00:09:37,766 Yeah. Yeah. 136 00:09:37,853 --> 00:09:40,242 - Now you're my bitch. - Yeah. 137 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,801 Yeah, baby. 138 00:09:44,893 --> 00:09:48,522 lnvoluntary spasm. Look at the show. Enjoy the show. 139 00:09:50,493 --> 00:09:54,372 This a bad time? l could come back. Looks like some real dude sweat going on. 140 00:09:54,453 --> 00:09:58,651 Add three pounds to the scales in the women's locker room before you go home. 141 00:09:58,733 --> 00:10:03,363 Refreshment? l've got protein paste, carb laxative... 142 00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:07,448 - Suffocated kumquat, perhaps? - l'm trying to cut down on those. 143 00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:10,093 - They're good. They are good. - Know what you mean. 144 00:10:10,173 --> 00:10:12,164 Walk with me. 145 00:10:15,373 --> 00:10:18,683 Hey, Brianna. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600. 146 00:10:19,253 --> 00:10:22,723 Nice job, Susie. You call that a sit-up? 147 00:10:22,813 --> 00:10:25,168 Don't slack, Trevor. l'm watching you. 148 00:10:25,253 --> 00:10:26,925 There's a good energy in the gym. 149 00:10:27,013 --> 00:10:28,890 Let me guess why you're here, Pete. 150 00:10:28,973 --> 00:10:31,771 Because l bought out the second mortgage on your gym. 151 00:10:31,853 --> 00:10:36,643 You've got 30 days to make $50,000, or your gym becomes my gym. 152 00:10:36,733 --> 00:10:38,849 l know we've had our differences... 153 00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:42,528 ls that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers? 154 00:10:42,613 --> 00:10:43,602 lt was one night. 155 00:10:43,693 --> 00:10:47,049 Or the strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary? 156 00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:50,409 - lt was meant to be congratulatory. - lt was also a man. 157 00:10:50,493 --> 00:10:52,688 Let's not get hung up on details. 158 00:10:52,773 --> 00:10:55,333 - We're both professionals. - Really? 159 00:10:55,413 --> 00:10:58,371 Last l heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. 160 00:10:58,453 --> 00:11:02,128 My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. 161 00:11:02,213 --> 00:11:06,411 l have shareholders. You haven't even got cupholders. 162 00:11:06,493 --> 00:11:08,723 - Why would l want cupholders? - The point is 163 00:11:08,813 --> 00:11:11,725 Globo Gym is a beacon of human physical perfection. 164 00:11:11,813 --> 00:11:13,804 A benchmark in the fitness community. 165 00:11:13,893 --> 00:11:18,648 Your ''gym'' is a skid mark on the underpants of society. 166 00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:23,204 See, Peter, l wasn't born expecting the world to do me any favours. 167 00:11:23,293 --> 00:11:26,285 l earned this body and l built this temple 168 00:11:26,373 --> 00:11:29,922 out of nothing more than a little can-do attitude and elbow grease. 169 00:11:30,013 --> 00:11:32,732 And a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman. 170 00:11:32,813 --> 00:11:38,683 So if l choose to level Average Joe's to build a parking structure for my members, so be it. 171 00:11:38,773 --> 00:11:40,923 There's nothing you can do about it. 172 00:11:41,013 --> 00:11:45,882 ln 30 days, l'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. 173 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:51,127 l can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, 174 00:11:51,213 --> 00:11:53,773 are inside it when l do. 175 00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:56,563 Show Mr La Fleur out. 176 00:11:56,653 --> 00:11:58,644 Turn it up high, Reggie. 177 00:11:59,973 --> 00:12:01,964 l wanna burn. 178 00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:08,443 So that's the deal. We got 30 days to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history. 179 00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:10,967 l got ten minutes. l'll open it up to some Q&A. 180 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:15,848 No need to raise your hands, it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off. 181 00:12:15,933 --> 00:12:19,528 Yes, Peter, - and l'm just spitballing here - 182 00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:24,084 but why don't we pay it off in Canadian dollars and save some money? 183 00:12:24,173 --> 00:12:28,166 Just so you know, if that's a route you want to follow, it's 50,000 American. 184 00:12:28,253 --> 00:12:31,484 lt would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars. 185 00:12:31,573 --> 00:12:36,442 - How are we gonna come up with $120,000? - Owen, you don't add them together. 186 00:12:36,533 --> 00:12:40,651 Technically, Peter, l'm sorry to say this, but it's more like $73,313... 187 00:12:40,733 --> 00:12:44,282 lt doesn't matter. We can't come up with $50,000. We're screwed. 188 00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:46,125 Gar. 189 00:12:46,213 --> 00:12:51,367 - lt's an insurmountable amount of money. - No, it's not insurmountable. Come on. 190 00:12:51,693 --> 00:12:54,287 We can'tjust sit back and let Globo Gym take us over. 191 00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:57,331 Average Joe's is too important. 192 00:12:57,413 --> 00:12:59,608 Where do you go when your wife changes the locks? 193 00:12:59,693 --> 00:13:01,604 - Average Joe's. - Right. 194 00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:05,402 Dwight, Owen, what will you do if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport? 195 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:09,247 - l ain't working at no airport again. - No. Cos you hated it. 196 00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:13,451 And, Steve, where do you go to do whatever it is that you do? 197 00:13:13,533 --> 00:13:17,811 - Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve. - Gar. You're right. 198 00:13:18,293 --> 00:13:22,525 Do you see? There's no way l can go back to working out at my high school. 199 00:13:22,613 --> 00:13:26,208 They'd laugh at me there. Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay. 200 00:13:26,293 --> 00:13:29,046 But not here, not at Joe's. 201 00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:33,888 l need this place. You guys need this place. Come on. 202 00:13:36,253 --> 00:13:39,086 l got it. l know how we can raise the money. 203 00:13:39,173 --> 00:13:41,687 - How? - Car wash. 204 00:13:57,493 --> 00:14:00,929 What are the chances? Same day, right across the street? 205 00:14:01,013 --> 00:14:02,810 The girls beat us fair and square. 206 00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:08,724 l am gonna be a gentleman about it and congratulate every one of them, personally. 207 00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:13,250 Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything, but the only customer we've had 208 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:17,690 is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck. 209 00:14:22,373 --> 00:14:27,208 That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep, like. 210 00:14:29,333 --> 00:14:32,325 - That's not good. - Gar. This sucks. 211 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:46,051 Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout. 212 00:14:47,013 --> 00:14:50,323 At Globo Gym, we're better than you and we know it. 213 00:14:50,413 --> 00:14:53,166 Sign up now. 214 00:14:53,253 --> 00:14:55,403 Do you smell that fitness? l do. 215 00:14:55,493 --> 00:14:57,848 Rock it and shock it, baby. 216 00:14:57,933 --> 00:14:59,889 You gotta burn it to earn it. 217 00:14:59,973 --> 00:15:03,761 - What's in the envelope? - Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym. 218 00:15:03,853 --> 00:15:07,528 - Cool. - lt's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult. 219 00:15:07,613 --> 00:15:11,447 Maybe we could sell 'em for cash cos the car wash cost us money. 220 00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:14,001 - We're further away from saving this place? - Yes. 221 00:15:14,093 --> 00:15:16,607 - We'll never raise enough money. - This blows. 222 00:15:16,693 --> 00:15:18,604 Guys, l know this is tough to take, 223 00:15:18,693 --> 00:15:22,572 but if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need, 224 00:15:22,653 --> 00:15:24,689 l guess itjust isn't in the cards. 225 00:15:24,773 --> 00:15:30,928 Trust me here. lf there was any way in the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days, 226 00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:33,243 short of robbing a bank, l'd do it. 227 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,528 We could sell blood and semen. 228 00:15:35,613 --> 00:15:37,365 What? Not mixed together. 229 00:15:37,453 --> 00:15:39,569 Guys, l love the enthusiasm, 230 00:15:39,653 --> 00:15:43,009 l love the energy here, but we're looking at this the wrong way. 231 00:15:43,093 --> 00:15:45,653 Let's celebrate the good times that was Joe's. 232 00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:49,009 We gotta start looking at this lrish-wake style. 233 00:15:51,893 --> 00:15:55,647 Let me be the first to say goodbye to Average Joe's. 234 00:15:55,733 --> 00:15:59,692 We gave it a hell of a run, guys. Now let's try to have some fun. 235 00:15:59,773 --> 00:16:03,083 l'm gonna put on ''The Thong Song'', and we'll tear this place apart. 236 00:16:03,173 --> 00:16:05,403 Wait, wait. Peter. Peter. 237 00:16:06,053 --> 00:16:08,203 We could play dodgeball. 238 00:16:08,293 --> 00:16:12,764 That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help. 239 00:16:12,853 --> 00:16:18,405 There's a tournament in Las Vegas. l feel so dumb l didn't think about it before. 240 00:16:18,493 --> 00:16:21,291 l read about the Las Vegas lnternational Dodgeball Open 241 00:16:21,373 --> 00:16:23,523 every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly. 242 00:16:23,613 --> 00:16:26,127 Of course. That's a totally common thing. 243 00:16:26,213 --> 00:16:30,286 The best part is it's open to any team that wins a regional qualifying match. 244 00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:35,925 - How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000? - They have a cash prize for the winner. 245 00:16:36,013 --> 00:16:38,891 - How much? - $50,000. 246 00:16:38,973 --> 00:16:41,965 Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000 for playing dodgeball. 247 00:16:42,053 --> 00:16:45,125 - Why not? - None of us know how to play dodgeball. 248 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:49,604 l do. We played it in PE last year. They showed us this film about it. 249 00:16:49,693 --> 00:16:52,890 - Can you get your hands on that film? - Sure, l guess. 250 00:16:52,973 --> 00:16:55,533 Can we please try to be serious here for one second? 251 00:16:55,613 --> 00:17:00,733 You said anything we could do to raise the money. This is that anything. This is it. 252 00:17:00,813 --> 00:17:04,089 Come on, show of hands. Who wants to play dodgeball? 253 00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:07,048 Come on. 254 00:17:09,453 --> 00:17:11,842 Come on, Pete. 255 00:17:12,853 --> 00:17:16,004 You guys had me at blood and semen. Come here. 256 00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:22,490 You want it, don't you, fat boy? 257 00:17:22,573 --> 00:17:24,450 You want that doughnut. 258 00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:27,206 Go ahead and have a bite. 259 00:17:27,293 --> 00:17:31,081 Just a little bite. One little bite won't hurt you. 260 00:17:36,253 --> 00:17:38,050 Momma. 261 00:17:38,773 --> 00:17:43,449 - Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you. - Give me 30 seconds and send her in. 262 00:17:43,533 --> 00:17:45,012 Yes, sir. 263 00:17:59,853 --> 00:18:01,844 Thank you. 264 00:18:06,773 --> 00:18:10,891 Hello, Katherine. Good to see you. l didn't know you were dropping by. 265 00:18:10,973 --> 00:18:14,363 - You asked me to come over. - Did l? 266 00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:18,286 Are you reading the dictionary? 267 00:18:19,893 --> 00:18:23,408 You caught me. l like to break a mental sweat too. Grab a chair. 268 00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:29,409 So, l trust everything's going swimmingly with our acquisition of Average Joe's? 269 00:18:29,493 --> 00:18:34,044 So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there, so l should probably get back. 270 00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:37,967 - That is a really interesting painting. - Thank you. 271 00:18:38,053 --> 00:18:43,286 Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. lt's how l handle my business. 272 00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,409 lt's a metaphor. 273 00:18:45,493 --> 00:18:49,532 - l get it. - But that actually happened, though. 274 00:18:49,613 --> 00:18:54,482 Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here, but there's always room for one more squaw. 275 00:18:54,573 --> 00:18:58,566 So, please, whatever you do, don't think of me as your boss. 276 00:18:58,653 --> 00:19:01,121 - l don't. - l don't want to get into a formal thing. 277 00:19:01,213 --> 00:19:03,204 l'm White, you know. 278 00:19:03,293 --> 00:19:05,090 W-h-i-t. 279 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,366 E. 280 00:19:08,453 --> 00:19:11,047 Thanks, Mr Goodman, but l'm contracted by the bank. 281 00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:13,203 They just assigned me to your account. 282 00:19:13,293 --> 00:19:19,050 Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank works for me so, ipso fact, l'm your boss. 283 00:19:19,133 --> 00:19:25,163 Point is, l would love to see your pretty little bone structure around here some more. 284 00:19:25,253 --> 00:19:27,323 There's no reason we need to be shackled 285 00:19:27,413 --> 00:19:31,452 by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. 286 00:19:31,533 --> 00:19:34,001 Unless you're into that sort of thing. 287 00:19:34,093 --> 00:19:36,766 ln which case, l got some shackles in the back. 288 00:19:36,853 --> 00:19:40,402 l'm just kidding. But seriously, l've got 'em. 289 00:19:40,493 --> 00:19:43,132 l'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman. 290 00:19:43,213 --> 00:19:48,333 ln fact, l actually prefer it over there. 291 00:19:48,413 --> 00:19:52,122 Really? You like it with those freaks over there in Loser-Town? 292 00:19:52,213 --> 00:19:55,330 They're not freaks. They're people, just like you and me. 293 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,769 People? 294 00:19:58,853 --> 00:20:01,321 ''People, just like you and me.'' Oh, man. 295 00:20:01,413 --> 00:20:05,088 That is what l love about you, Kate. You've got a ''personality''. 296 00:20:05,973 --> 00:20:12,970 That is rich. A real sauciness that l find extremely attractive. 297 00:20:14,893 --> 00:20:17,123 We should mate. 298 00:20:17,213 --> 00:20:18,931 - What? - Date. 299 00:20:19,013 --> 00:20:21,971 We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it. 300 00:20:23,773 --> 00:20:25,650 - Are you OK? - l'm fine. 301 00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:28,964 l just threw up in my mouth a little bit. 302 00:20:30,093 --> 00:20:33,290 ln some cultures, they only eat vomit. 303 00:20:33,413 --> 00:20:37,042 l never been there, but l read about it in a book. 304 00:20:37,133 --> 00:20:40,728 l'm sorry, Mr Goodman. l don't date clients. 305 00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:44,051 l get it. 306 00:20:44,133 --> 00:20:47,569 Don't crap where you eat. l understand. 307 00:20:47,653 --> 00:20:51,362 Me'Shell. Please escort Ms Veatch out. 308 00:20:52,973 --> 00:20:56,966 And, Katherine, make sure my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly. 309 00:20:57,053 --> 00:21:00,204 They're up to something over there. l can smell it. 310 00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:12,810 Uber-American lnstructional films, teaching America's youth since 1938. 311 00:21:19,293 --> 00:21:21,090 Hey, there, Timmy. 312 00:21:21,173 --> 00:21:24,768 Holy mackerel, mister. You scared the jeepers out of me. 313 00:21:24,853 --> 00:21:28,562 How'd you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint, 314 00:21:28,653 --> 00:21:30,006 and learn about dodgeball? 315 00:21:30,093 --> 00:21:31,924 Boy, would l. 316 00:21:35,693 --> 00:21:38,890 - Where am l, mister? - You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy. 317 00:21:38,973 --> 00:21:42,329 This is where dodgeball was invented in the 15th century, 318 00:21:42,413 --> 00:21:44,643 by opium-addicted Chinamen. 319 00:21:44,733 --> 00:21:48,089 Back then, the Chinamen threw severed human heads at each another 320 00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:51,404 instead of the ADAA-approved balls we use today. 321 00:21:53,893 --> 00:21:54,928 ADAA? 322 00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:58,562 That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. 323 00:21:58,653 --> 00:22:04,011 Dodgeball is played with six players on each team, and six rubber balls. 324 00:22:04,093 --> 00:22:07,165 The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. 325 00:22:07,253 --> 00:22:11,565 Once all the players on one team are eliminated, the opposing team wins. 326 00:22:11,653 --> 00:22:15,566 Wow. l can't wait to get the fellas together and play. 327 00:22:17,453 --> 00:22:20,251 Hang on a second there, sport. 328 00:22:20,333 --> 00:22:23,325 - Patches O'Houlihan. - That's right, Timmy. 329 00:22:23,413 --> 00:22:29,204 Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way. 330 00:22:29,293 --> 00:22:32,808 - Jeepers. Really? - You betcha, champ. 331 00:22:33,213 --> 00:22:37,126 lf you catch a ball that's thrown at you before it hits the ground, 332 00:22:37,213 --> 00:22:40,444 the player who threw that ball is out, not you. 333 00:22:40,533 --> 00:22:45,163 Plus, another player from your team gets to come back into the game. 334 00:22:45,253 --> 00:22:48,643 - lt's a two-player swing. - Thanks, Patches. 335 00:22:48,733 --> 00:22:51,486 l can't wait to start my own team at school. 336 00:22:51,573 --> 00:22:53,609 Attaboy, Tiger. 337 00:22:53,693 --> 00:22:59,131 But remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. 338 00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:02,205 So, when you're picking players in gym class, 339 00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:06,286 remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. 340 00:23:06,373 --> 00:23:11,766 That way, you can all gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here. 341 00:23:16,573 --> 00:23:19,371 Nice one, son. You'll be an all-star yet. 342 00:23:19,453 --> 00:23:22,889 Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball. 343 00:23:22,973 --> 00:23:25,646 Dodge, duck, dip, dive and 344 00:23:25,733 --> 00:23:27,291 dodge. 345 00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:30,285 Till next time. This is Patches O'Houlihan, 346 00:23:30,373 --> 00:23:34,924 saying, ''Take care of your balls and they'll take care of you.'' 347 00:23:36,493 --> 00:23:39,212 OK, guys. Any questions? Great. 348 00:23:39,293 --> 00:23:43,969 l signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre. 349 00:23:44,053 --> 00:23:45,930 But we haven't even practised yet. 350 00:23:46,013 --> 00:23:49,688 We have to qualify for the Vegas Open. Tomorrow's regional's our last chance. 351 00:23:49,773 --> 00:23:55,006 Everyone, just relax. l've always found the best way to learn a sport is by playing it. 352 00:23:55,093 --> 00:23:57,766 lf anyone needs me, l'll be in my office doing Mad Libs. 353 00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:00,003 Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot. 354 00:24:00,093 --> 00:24:01,924 OK, l think everybody knows... 355 00:24:05,253 --> 00:24:09,212 - Don't you have an office of your own? - Yes, l do have an office. 356 00:24:09,293 --> 00:24:12,046 A very nice office with a view and air-conditioning. 357 00:24:12,133 --> 00:24:15,330 - Rub it in. - What l don't have in my office is a closet 358 00:24:15,413 --> 00:24:20,168 of 30 years of financial transactions, devoid of any filing system known to man. 359 00:24:20,253 --> 00:24:24,041 Hard to believe l only got a semester ofjunior college under my belt. 360 00:24:24,133 --> 00:24:28,923 Do you realise you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months? 361 00:24:29,013 --> 00:24:32,847 l'm curious. ls it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life? 362 00:24:32,933 --> 00:24:36,528 l found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. 363 00:24:36,613 --> 00:24:40,128 But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. 364 00:24:40,213 --> 00:24:44,525 l gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal. 365 00:24:44,613 --> 00:24:47,764 l guess that makes sense, in a really sad way. 366 00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:50,492 Sad? You wanna know what's sad? 367 00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:53,326 Six grown men playing dodgeball. 368 00:24:53,733 --> 00:24:57,726 Since l'm here, l'm gonna go ahead and do some abs, go shock it up. 369 00:24:57,813 --> 00:25:01,362 l like to work out all the time for this kind of sporting event. 370 00:25:01,453 --> 00:25:04,172 Gotta be limber and loose. That's the only way to play. 371 00:25:04,253 --> 00:25:08,690 Hey, you guys take vitamins? l take vitamins all the time... 372 00:25:11,013 --> 00:25:13,288 Dodgeball, eh? 373 00:25:13,373 --> 00:25:18,208 lf Peter La Fleur thinks a few red rubber balls can save his sorry gym, 374 00:25:18,293 --> 00:25:21,046 he's in for quite a surprise. 375 00:25:28,933 --> 00:25:31,811 - Sorry l'm late, guys. - Hey, Pete. 376 00:25:31,893 --> 00:25:36,045 - Bad morning, boss? - They usually follow good nights, Dwight. 377 00:25:36,133 --> 00:25:38,203 - Hey, Gord, your family's here. - Where? 378 00:25:38,293 --> 00:25:40,443 - Right over there. - Great. 379 00:25:40,533 --> 00:25:43,809 She knows l don't like it when she watches me. l get all nervous. 380 00:25:43,893 --> 00:25:46,646 - Kids take after you. - Yeah. She's their stepmother. 381 00:25:46,733 --> 00:25:49,691 l remarried three years ago. An lnternet mail-order thing. 382 00:25:49,773 --> 00:25:53,812 - How's that working out for you? - Really great. Really great. 383 00:25:53,893 --> 00:25:55,292 Hey, honey. 384 00:25:56,933 --> 00:25:59,891 L for love. Good times. 385 00:25:59,973 --> 00:26:01,964 L for love? That doesn't mean love... 386 00:26:02,053 --> 00:26:04,521 People have different translations for things. 387 00:26:04,613 --> 00:26:08,845 That's a special bond that you have with your mail-order wife. l think that's nice. 388 00:26:08,933 --> 00:26:11,083 - How many teams are in this qualifier? - Two. 389 00:26:11,173 --> 00:26:13,482 lf we beat this team, we're in the Vegas Open? 390 00:26:13,573 --> 00:26:15,370 - Yeah. - That seems pretty simple. 391 00:26:15,453 --> 00:26:20,243 - Who's the other team? - l have it right here. Just a sec. 392 00:26:20,333 --> 00:26:24,804 - Troop 417. - Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts? 393 00:26:25,413 --> 00:26:26,607 Not quite. 394 00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:36,406 Bollocks. 395 00:26:41,733 --> 00:26:43,803 Troop 417, ready. 396 00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:45,531 Average Joe's, ready. 397 00:26:47,253 --> 00:26:48,845 Set. Dodgeball. 398 00:27:16,213 --> 00:27:18,522 l'm gonna send you to hell. 399 00:27:27,853 --> 00:27:32,881 - l'm really sorry. Are you all right? - Why would you hit a girl? Why? 400 00:27:32,973 --> 00:27:34,929 l am so sorry. Are you OK? 401 00:27:37,133 --> 00:27:39,488 Winner - Troop 417. 402 00:27:39,573 --> 00:27:41,564 ln your face. 403 00:27:41,653 --> 00:27:45,851 You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you. 404 00:27:48,133 --> 00:27:53,924 And now, without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to award... 405 00:27:56,573 --> 00:27:59,645 l'm sorry. We have a bit of a problem here. 406 00:28:00,373 --> 00:28:03,490 Unfortunately for Troop 417, 407 00:28:03,573 --> 00:28:07,407 during the ADAA-required random drug screening, 408 00:28:07,493 --> 00:28:12,692 one of your player's urine tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, 409 00:28:12,773 --> 00:28:16,527 and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser. 410 00:28:16,613 --> 00:28:20,572 l'm afraid, by rule, your team must be disqualified. 411 00:28:21,133 --> 00:28:23,408 Goddamn you, Bernice. 412 00:28:24,093 --> 00:28:27,403 By the power vested in me, l declare the winner of this year's 413 00:28:27,493 --> 00:28:32,726 Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament and Grammar Jamboree to be 414 00:28:32,813 --> 00:28:34,565 Average Joe's Gym. 415 00:28:37,293 --> 00:28:39,011 You lied. 416 00:28:45,653 --> 00:28:50,568 All l'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can admit the real reason why you showed up. 417 00:28:50,653 --> 00:28:54,965 l was in the neighbourhood and l thought you could use a cheering section. 418 00:28:55,053 --> 00:28:58,602 Kate, if you wannajoin the team, all you have to do is ask. 419 00:28:58,693 --> 00:29:01,412 Thank you, Peter. l don't. 420 00:29:02,293 --> 00:29:04,966 lt is obvious that you dig me. 421 00:29:05,053 --> 00:29:06,964 - You're hooked on La Fleur. - God. 422 00:29:07,053 --> 00:29:11,843 l've been through this many times. l'm sorry. You can't stay away from me. l'm so stupid. 423 00:29:11,933 --> 00:29:17,803 l'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have brief moments where you're not completely... 424 00:29:19,413 --> 00:29:22,325 What? l'm not completely what? 425 00:29:22,413 --> 00:29:25,052 Pathetic. 426 00:29:25,653 --> 00:29:28,690 Hey, White. l didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. 427 00:29:28,773 --> 00:29:33,130 - Did you decide to skip arts and crafts? - Yes, l did. 428 00:29:33,213 --> 00:29:37,092 Hello, Kate. l wasn't aware l was paying you to socialise. 429 00:29:37,173 --> 00:29:43,692 - You're not. l'm off the clock. - lsn't it ''convenient'' for you, and the clock? 430 00:29:43,773 --> 00:29:47,732 l dropped by to congratulate you on your victory by disqualification 431 00:29:47,813 --> 00:29:51,647 and introduce you to the team that will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open. 432 00:29:51,733 --> 00:29:53,405 My team. 433 00:29:54,613 --> 00:29:57,002 Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to 434 00:29:57,093 --> 00:29:59,084 Blade. 435 00:29:59,973 --> 00:30:01,964 Laser. 436 00:30:02,933 --> 00:30:05,128 Blazer. 437 00:30:05,213 --> 00:30:08,603 l've believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell. 438 00:30:08,693 --> 00:30:13,084 - We met. - And l almost forgot our last player. 439 00:30:13,173 --> 00:30:17,928 Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski. 440 00:30:27,693 --> 00:30:31,652 ln her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport. 441 00:30:31,733 --> 00:30:36,011 Her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, 442 00:30:36,093 --> 00:30:41,087 which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball. 443 00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:42,891 Ball me, Blazer. 444 00:30:43,293 --> 00:30:45,602 Show them, Fran. 445 00:30:49,813 --> 00:30:52,452 That's just her change-up. 446 00:30:52,533 --> 00:30:54,524 End of demo. 447 00:30:54,613 --> 00:30:57,411 We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras 448 00:30:57,493 --> 00:31:01,088 and we will, we will rock you. 449 00:31:05,293 --> 00:31:08,046 l think that guy might really be dead. 450 00:31:09,653 --> 00:31:13,771 Wait a minute. How can you be entered in the Las Vegas Open? 451 00:31:13,853 --> 00:31:16,048 You didn't win a regional qualifying match. 452 00:31:16,133 --> 00:31:19,330 Oh, my God. We never even won a regional qualifying match. 453 00:31:19,413 --> 00:31:21,404 Yeah. Now l remember. 454 00:31:21,493 --> 00:31:25,042 The dodgeball chancellor's an extremely personal friend of mine. 455 00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:28,284 l helped him shed some unwanted poundage before beach season. 456 00:31:28,373 --> 00:31:30,967 So close your rule book on that one, Poindextor. 457 00:31:31,053 --> 00:31:35,444 White, we didn't come here to ''rumble''. We came here to celebrate as a team. 458 00:31:35,533 --> 00:31:38,570 There's plenty of bar here for you and the Globo-nauts. 459 00:31:38,653 --> 00:31:40,371 Team? 460 00:31:40,453 --> 00:31:44,287 What team? Your best player thinks he's a pirate. 461 00:31:47,533 --> 00:31:50,923 First of all, he is way more of a pirate than you will ever be. 462 00:31:51,013 --> 00:31:56,133 Secondly, we don't know who our best player is yet. We've only had one game. 463 00:31:56,213 --> 00:32:00,809 - lt could be any one of us at this point. - Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr 464 00:32:00,893 --> 00:32:02,884 Jokey... Joke-maker. 465 00:32:02,973 --> 00:32:05,771 But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. 466 00:32:05,853 --> 00:32:10,927 Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur. 467 00:32:11,013 --> 00:32:14,085 Alliteration aside, l'll take my chances in the tournament. 468 00:32:14,173 --> 00:32:18,564 - Yeah, you will take your chances. - l know. l just said that. 469 00:32:18,653 --> 00:32:21,690 - l know you did. - l'm not sure where you're going with this. 470 00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:25,083 - l'm not sure where you're going with this. - That's what l said. 471 00:32:25,173 --> 00:32:29,325 - That's what l'm saying to you. - All right. 472 00:32:29,413 --> 00:32:30,892 Touche. 473 00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:36,371 We're gonna split, but we'll see you at the tournament. 474 00:32:36,453 --> 00:32:41,243 And, La Fleur, best bring your bib cos it's gonna get messy. 475 00:32:45,733 --> 00:32:47,803 Are you all right? You OK? 476 00:32:49,853 --> 00:32:52,003 Let's bounce. Cobras. 477 00:32:55,253 --> 00:33:01,089 OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up and head on home, all right? 478 00:33:07,373 --> 00:33:08,601 Hey, you. 479 00:33:08,693 --> 00:33:13,289 That was the worst damn display of dodgeball l've seen in 40 years. 480 00:33:13,373 --> 00:33:16,729 You want a dodgeball victory, you've gotta grab it by its haunches 481 00:33:16,813 --> 00:33:20,089 and hump it into submission. That's the only way. 482 00:33:20,173 --> 00:33:23,404 OK, crazy guy. l'm gonna go home now. 483 00:33:23,493 --> 00:33:26,451 l ain't crazy and l ain't a guy. 484 00:33:27,573 --> 00:33:30,406 The name's Patches O'Houlihan. 485 00:33:30,493 --> 00:33:33,053 l'm your new coach. 486 00:33:33,133 --> 00:33:35,966 Patches O'Houlihan? The guy from the dodgeball film? 487 00:33:36,053 --> 00:33:38,772 - Yeah. He said he wants to coach us. - You said yes? 488 00:33:38,853 --> 00:33:42,812 l figured the steady hand of a seasoned dodgeball coach could only benefit us. 489 00:33:42,893 --> 00:33:45,851 A'iight. But he's not weird or anything, is he? 490 00:33:45,933 --> 00:33:48,731 No. No, he's totally normal. 491 00:33:59,253 --> 00:34:02,609 l love the smell of queef in the morning. 492 00:34:02,693 --> 00:34:04,684 l mean normal for us. 493 00:34:05,173 --> 00:34:07,004 Line up, ladies. 494 00:34:07,093 --> 00:34:09,368 - What does he mean, line up? - Now. 495 00:34:12,293 --> 00:34:16,002 lf you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers, 496 00:34:16,093 --> 00:34:19,768 then you've got to learn the five Ds of dodgeball: 497 00:34:19,853 --> 00:34:22,811 dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge. 498 00:34:22,893 --> 00:34:28,684 lf you master the five Ds, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. 499 00:34:29,853 --> 00:34:32,970 - Queer bait, go ahead. - Me, or... 500 00:34:33,053 --> 00:34:37,763 Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls that are thrown at us, or... 501 00:34:37,853 --> 00:34:41,084 That's what this sack of wrenches is for. 502 00:34:46,173 --> 00:34:48,733 lf you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. 503 00:34:48,813 --> 00:34:50,804 What? 504 00:35:00,173 --> 00:35:01,925 Any other questions? 505 00:35:02,013 --> 00:35:04,129 My God. 506 00:35:04,213 --> 00:35:09,128 Yeah. Patches, are you sure that this is completely necessary? 507 00:35:09,213 --> 00:35:11,568 Necessary? 508 00:35:11,653 --> 00:35:15,771 - ls it necessary for me to drink my urine? - Probably not. 509 00:35:15,853 --> 00:35:20,688 No. But l do it anyway because it's sterile and l like the taste. 510 00:35:20,773 --> 00:35:22,172 OK. 511 00:35:22,253 --> 00:35:27,532 lf you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've got to learn to do the dance in the dark. 512 00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:30,170 Here, put that on. 513 00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:32,528 All right, ladies, buckle up. 514 00:35:32,853 --> 00:35:34,172 lt's showtime. 515 00:35:36,853 --> 00:35:39,242 Dodge, duck, dip. Dive. 516 00:35:40,853 --> 00:35:42,411 Dodge. 517 00:35:42,493 --> 00:35:44,245 Dive. 518 00:35:44,333 --> 00:35:47,450 Dip. Dive. Dodge. 519 00:35:48,133 --> 00:35:52,649 l've got three weeks to whip you suck-ass failure junkies into shape. 520 00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:56,203 Come on. l get better runs in my shorts. 521 00:35:56,813 --> 00:36:01,728 Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out. One of our guys comes back in. 522 00:36:01,813 --> 00:36:04,930 That's the way you hurt 'em. That's the way you win. 523 00:36:07,493 --> 00:36:09,370 Let's go. A little hustle here. 524 00:36:16,253 --> 00:36:17,925 That's really good, Peter. 525 00:36:21,493 --> 00:36:25,611 Come on. Only 19 miles to go. 526 00:36:29,213 --> 00:36:30,407 Attaboy. 527 00:36:32,173 --> 00:36:34,129 Next man. 528 00:36:34,213 --> 00:36:37,250 Good luck to you, Gordon. Remember it's 900/0 mental. 529 00:36:37,333 --> 00:36:38,322 Okey-dokey. 530 00:36:38,413 --> 00:36:42,486 lf you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball. 531 00:36:45,973 --> 00:36:47,929 You got it, Gord. 532 00:36:52,533 --> 00:36:55,570 - l'm fine. l'm OK. - OK, there. 533 00:37:02,133 --> 00:37:04,169 - Man. - Wake up, Smithy. 534 00:37:09,733 --> 00:37:14,011 Hell, son. You're about as useful as a cock-flavoured lollipop. 535 00:37:14,693 --> 00:37:17,002 Quick feet, fast hands. 536 00:37:17,093 --> 00:37:18,970 Catch it and throw. 537 00:37:19,613 --> 00:37:24,289 Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females. 538 00:37:27,733 --> 00:37:30,611 Jesus. Gimme that. 539 00:37:31,813 --> 00:37:34,850 You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. 540 00:37:34,933 --> 00:37:37,766 Where's your killer instinct? You gotta get angry. 541 00:37:37,853 --> 00:37:41,402 You gotta get mean. That's the only way you can play. 542 00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:44,687 l guess l'm not really an angry person. 543 00:37:48,813 --> 00:37:51,373 Are you angry now? 544 00:37:51,453 --> 00:37:56,208 - Breathe it out. - Come on, let's get going here. 545 00:38:03,413 --> 00:38:05,290 Little help? 546 00:38:13,973 --> 00:38:16,806 What? Eight years of softball. 547 00:38:16,893 --> 00:38:20,522 - Man, she gotta be a lesbian. - She is not a lesbian. 548 00:38:20,613 --> 00:38:23,207 All l know is that dyke can play. 549 00:38:34,333 --> 00:38:36,403 Come on, come on. 550 00:38:36,493 --> 00:38:38,961 - Please. - We need you. You're really good. 551 00:38:39,053 --> 00:38:40,964 Owen'll be team manager if you play. 552 00:38:41,053 --> 00:38:42,611 - l will? - Shut up. 553 00:38:42,693 --> 00:38:45,526 Look, l find White Goodman creepy, just like you do... 554 00:38:45,613 --> 00:38:47,922 All the more reason for you to join us. 555 00:38:48,013 --> 00:38:51,164 Come on, Kate. Time to put your mouth where our balls are. 556 00:38:51,253 --> 00:38:55,371 Sorry, l can't. l'm under contract. lt'd be a conflict of interest. 557 00:38:55,853 --> 00:38:57,969 Suit yourself. 558 00:38:58,053 --> 00:39:01,648 All right, you heard Billie-Jean King. No crying in the breast milk. 559 00:39:01,733 --> 00:39:03,928 We got plenty of work to do. Let's go. 560 00:39:07,533 --> 00:39:11,128 We punch the pizza dough down, and it's time to sauce it up. 561 00:39:11,213 --> 00:39:13,204 Boy, is my mouth watering. 562 00:39:13,293 --> 00:39:16,603 You want to put a big dollop of that tangy red on the dough, 563 00:39:16,693 --> 00:39:19,526 then use the cheese to shove it to the edge. 564 00:39:19,613 --> 00:39:21,569 Sir, l need you to take a look at... 565 00:39:21,653 --> 00:39:23,530 No. What... 566 00:39:23,613 --> 00:39:28,164 What... What have l said about knocking? 567 00:39:28,293 --> 00:39:30,523 - Always knock. - Sorry, sir. 568 00:39:30,613 --> 00:39:35,846 What is so important that you need to interrupt me in my private reflection period? 569 00:39:36,373 --> 00:39:38,364 These. 570 00:39:42,253 --> 00:39:46,690 - They're getting better. - Yes. l can see that, Me'Shell. 571 00:39:46,773 --> 00:39:51,051 l'm through playing games. lt's time to end this square dance once and for all. 572 00:39:51,133 --> 00:39:53,203 What about the girl? She can throw. 573 00:39:53,293 --> 00:39:57,172 l'll simply have to woo Kate a bit sooner than nature intended. 574 00:39:57,253 --> 00:40:00,006 But rest assured, Me'Shell. 575 00:40:00,093 --> 00:40:05,406 There's no resisting when White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes. 576 00:40:25,453 --> 00:40:27,569 - Who is it? - lt's White. 577 00:40:30,093 --> 00:40:32,926 - Surprise. - White. 578 00:40:34,253 --> 00:40:37,131 What... What are you doing here? 579 00:40:37,213 --> 00:40:39,443 How do you know where l live? 580 00:40:39,533 --> 00:40:41,728 lt's called the Freedom of lnformation Act. 581 00:40:41,813 --> 00:40:45,362 The hippies finally got something right. Just kiddin'. Not really. 582 00:40:45,453 --> 00:40:49,128 Hey. l got some great news. Sit down. 583 00:40:51,893 --> 00:40:53,884 - What is it? - You're fired. 584 00:40:53,973 --> 00:40:55,611 - l'm what? - You're fired. 585 00:40:55,693 --> 00:40:59,368 l told the bank that you were stealing and drinking on the job. They bought it. 586 00:40:59,453 --> 00:41:02,604 They signed some other pencil pusher to my account. 587 00:41:02,693 --> 00:41:04,843 Why would you do that? 588 00:41:05,373 --> 00:41:07,967 l'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate. 589 00:41:08,053 --> 00:41:10,965 - You fired me so l'd date you? - Yuh-huh. 590 00:41:11,053 --> 00:41:13,806 You are a crazy little man. 591 00:41:13,893 --> 00:41:16,487 l know you've been hiding some feelings for me. 592 00:41:16,573 --> 00:41:18,609 Yeah. Nausea. 593 00:41:18,693 --> 00:41:21,969 lf you don't leave in two seconds, you'll know how that feels. 594 00:41:23,693 --> 00:41:26,412 You like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. 595 00:41:27,293 --> 00:41:29,090 l can be naughty, too. 596 00:41:30,693 --> 00:41:33,082 Real, freakin' naughty. 597 00:41:34,573 --> 00:41:36,529 - You a naughty freak? - Need help leaving? 598 00:41:38,533 --> 00:41:40,205 This doesn't concern you, La Fleur. 599 00:41:40,293 --> 00:41:43,524 Not nearly as much as your hair does. That's for sure. 600 00:41:43,613 --> 00:41:47,242 But l believe she asked you to leave. 601 00:41:49,133 --> 00:41:53,649 l get it. You caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. 602 00:41:53,733 --> 00:41:58,124 Pity. l'll let you have your little moment, La Fleur, 603 00:41:58,213 --> 00:42:05,289 cos after this tournament, your gym, your life and your gal are gonna be mine. 604 00:42:05,373 --> 00:42:07,443 All mine. 605 00:42:08,093 --> 00:42:10,004 To be continued... 606 00:42:10,093 --> 00:42:12,766 You don't get to touch me, ever. 607 00:42:12,853 --> 00:42:15,208 OK, Romeo. Let me help you up. 608 00:42:15,293 --> 00:42:18,763 Get off me. Don't you touch me. 609 00:42:20,773 --> 00:42:23,685 lt is over between us, Kate. 610 00:42:23,773 --> 00:42:26,685 Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody. 611 00:42:40,413 --> 00:42:43,644 - At least that wasn't weird. - Yeah. 612 00:42:43,733 --> 00:42:46,611 - Do l smell cookies? - Hey. 613 00:42:47,933 --> 00:42:50,322 Dear Barbara. 614 00:42:57,293 --> 00:42:59,170 l like unicorns. 615 00:43:01,773 --> 00:43:03,843 l know you said no to joining the team, 616 00:43:03,933 --> 00:43:07,687 but l'd like you to reconsider as a personal favour to me. 617 00:43:07,773 --> 00:43:09,411 - Peter... - Before you answer, 618 00:43:09,493 --> 00:43:11,961 you should know you'd have your own changing room. 619 00:43:12,053 --> 00:43:14,169 - Really? - Sort of. 620 00:43:15,333 --> 00:43:17,528 And there's also this. 621 00:43:18,373 --> 00:43:20,443 - OK, what's this? - l overdid. 622 00:43:22,813 --> 00:43:26,328 Look at you. Two expired movie passes 623 00:43:26,413 --> 00:43:30,770 and a coupon for one free back rub from Peter La Fleur. 624 00:43:30,853 --> 00:43:35,369 - Play your cards right, could be a full body. - Will you just stop, please? 625 00:43:35,453 --> 00:43:39,332 l don't want your perk package. l don't want your back rub. 626 00:43:39,413 --> 00:43:42,962 l just want to see White Goodman's face when we win that tournament. 627 00:43:43,053 --> 00:43:45,328 - You're in? - l'm in. 628 00:43:49,333 --> 00:43:54,123 Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. 629 00:43:54,213 --> 00:43:57,808 A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. 630 00:43:57,893 --> 00:44:01,044 A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, 631 00:44:01,133 --> 00:44:05,445 World Series and World War ll combined. 632 00:44:05,533 --> 00:44:09,651 Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas lnternational Dodgeball Open 633 00:44:09,733 --> 00:44:12,452 here on ESPN8 - the ''Ocho'' - 634 00:44:12,533 --> 00:44:17,129 bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports from around the globe since 1999. 635 00:44:17,213 --> 00:44:20,444 lf it's almost a sport, we've got it here. 636 00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:26,130 Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's Las Vegas lnternational Dodgeball Open 637 00:44:26,213 --> 00:44:29,364 brought to you exclusively here on ESPN8 - the ''Ocho''. 638 00:44:29,453 --> 00:44:33,048 We're coming to you live from the Las Vegas University Learning Annex. 639 00:44:33,133 --> 00:44:34,930 My name is Cotton McKnight 640 00:44:35,013 --> 00:44:38,722 and with me, as always, is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks. 641 00:44:38,813 --> 00:44:40,610 Yeah. Cotton, hey. 642 00:44:40,693 --> 00:44:45,926 Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means four wins is gonna get you in the final match, 643 00:44:46,013 --> 00:44:49,323 the fifth win getting you the 50K that everyone's chasing. 644 00:44:49,413 --> 00:44:50,402 Cotton. 645 00:44:50,493 --> 00:44:55,613 There's an electricity in the air, a palpable hue of anticipation. 646 00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:59,049 lmmortality - five simple victories away. 647 00:44:59,133 --> 00:45:03,809 They've come from all over - Kathmandu to Timbuktu, and all points in-between - 648 00:45:03,893 --> 00:45:08,171 to compete in the one true human test - dodgeball. 649 00:45:08,973 --> 00:45:11,487 A reminder. All players must be vaccinated 650 00:45:11,573 --> 00:45:15,725 for cholera, syphilis and shingles before play begins. 651 00:45:15,813 --> 00:45:20,045 Again, dyslexic players will not be allowed on the court. 652 00:45:20,133 --> 00:45:24,411 Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor for a first-round match. 653 00:45:24,493 --> 00:45:27,724 Only ADAA balls will be used. 654 00:45:27,813 --> 00:45:31,488 Personal balls of any kind are strictly prohibited. 655 00:45:31,573 --> 00:45:33,962 - Hey. - Hey. What's in the box? 656 00:45:34,053 --> 00:45:38,444 Guys, l figured a real dodgeball team needs real dodgeball uniforms. 657 00:45:38,533 --> 00:45:42,242 So l threw out those old ratty ones and designed these myself. 658 00:45:42,333 --> 00:45:46,531 All right. Now we got our thing going on, maybe we'll start smacking each other. 659 00:45:46,613 --> 00:45:48,604 l hope everything fits. 660 00:45:50,573 --> 00:45:53,087 - Wait. - Nice. 661 00:45:53,173 --> 00:45:57,530 This isn't right. This isn't what l ordered. 662 00:46:01,253 --> 00:46:04,882 - What's this? - What the hell is that? This is screwed up. 663 00:46:05,813 --> 00:46:08,646 - What are we supposed to do now? - Don't worry. 664 00:46:08,733 --> 00:46:10,849 - We'll play in what we've got on. - We can't. 665 00:46:10,933 --> 00:46:13,606 ADAA rules require we wear matching uniforms. 666 00:46:13,693 --> 00:46:17,732 l don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK? 667 00:46:17,813 --> 00:46:22,807 Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty of time to find other uniforms before we play. 668 00:46:22,893 --> 00:46:26,249 Ladies, we gotta get on the court or we're gonna forfeit the game. 669 00:46:26,333 --> 00:46:30,042 Come on, let's go. Let's see some movement. Chop-chop. 670 00:46:30,133 --> 00:46:32,089 l don't see any movement. Let's go. 671 00:46:42,213 --> 00:46:44,966 How about those dodgeball dancers, folks? 672 00:46:45,053 --> 00:46:48,807 - That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot. - Right you are. 673 00:46:48,893 --> 00:46:51,248 Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg. 674 00:46:51,333 --> 00:46:54,609 The reigning European champ hopes to extend their empire here. 675 00:46:54,693 --> 00:46:56,684 Appeasement be damned. 676 00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:59,970 Here comes the relatively unknown challengers, 677 00:47:00,053 --> 00:47:04,126 a regional qualifying team, Average Joe's Gymnasium. 678 00:47:13,533 --> 00:47:15,683 My sweet Jesus. 679 00:47:16,613 --> 00:47:18,569 That's rad. 680 00:47:18,653 --> 00:47:21,372 Hey, asshole, you guys suck. 681 00:47:21,813 --> 00:47:24,247 Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas. 682 00:47:24,333 --> 00:47:26,927 Hi. We're all here and 683 00:47:27,013 --> 00:47:28,844 we are ready to play. 684 00:47:31,573 --> 00:47:34,007 - OK. - OK. 685 00:47:35,773 --> 00:47:39,812 We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms. 686 00:47:39,893 --> 00:47:42,612 l feel like l'm watching a Cher video. 687 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,604 Average Joe's, ready. 688 00:47:44,693 --> 00:47:46,570 Blitzkrieg, ready. 689 00:47:46,653 --> 00:47:48,006 Dodgeball. 690 00:47:48,093 --> 00:47:52,723 And we're under way. Average Joe's versus the heavily favoured German team. 691 00:47:52,813 --> 00:47:56,488 Of course, S&M gear first made popular by the lyric poet, Sappho, 692 00:47:56,573 --> 00:47:59,485 - from the island of Lesbos. - Clean hit. You're out. 693 00:47:59,573 --> 00:48:04,169 Leather and latex belong in the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court. 694 00:48:04,253 --> 00:48:09,486 Where's that training? Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge. 695 00:48:09,973 --> 00:48:14,330 Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated and coach O'Houlihan is not happy. 696 00:48:21,333 --> 00:48:23,893 This Average Joe's team doesn't look up to snuff. 697 00:48:25,093 --> 00:48:28,403 Midline infraction. You went over the line, you're out. 698 00:48:28,493 --> 00:48:30,848 The Average Joe's catches a break there. 699 00:48:30,933 --> 00:48:34,369 The Germans still dominating this Maginot Line-like defence. 700 00:48:34,453 --> 00:48:36,921 Good toss by the submissive out there. 701 00:48:37,013 --> 00:48:41,006 Just two players left for Joe... Check that. Make it one. 702 00:48:41,093 --> 00:48:43,891 Looks like Average Joe's might be heading home early. 703 00:48:44,333 --> 00:48:48,087 lt's all up to the only player without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch. 704 00:48:49,213 --> 00:48:51,204 What a throw. 705 00:48:51,293 --> 00:48:53,329 Hold your phone, she's got a cannon. 706 00:48:53,413 --> 00:48:55,005 Yes. 707 00:48:55,093 --> 00:48:59,166 - Come on, Kate. - You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em. 708 00:48:59,253 --> 00:49:04,327 Germans have a two-one advantage. Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game. 709 00:49:04,413 --> 00:49:08,804 How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo. Now Joe's has the upper hand. 710 00:49:08,893 --> 00:49:10,770 - Great deflection. - Take it to him. 711 00:49:10,853 --> 00:49:15,404 - He's ball-less now. - He doesn't have any balls, Cotton. 712 00:49:15,493 --> 00:49:18,291 Winner. Average Joe's. 713 00:49:19,653 --> 00:49:22,042 My sweet dick, it's magic. 714 00:49:22,133 --> 00:49:23,361 Hey, all right. 715 00:49:23,453 --> 00:49:28,891 My. The Germans losing in the first round and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset. 716 00:49:28,973 --> 00:49:31,612 l feel shocked. 717 00:49:39,973 --> 00:49:41,929 Losers. 718 00:49:52,813 --> 00:49:55,611 You must be Daddy. 719 00:49:55,973 --> 00:50:00,125 Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball pundits and made it to tomorrow's round 720 00:50:00,213 --> 00:50:03,762 where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, 721 00:50:03,853 --> 00:50:06,890 and the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian. 722 00:50:06,973 --> 00:50:10,090 Don't go anywhere, folks. lt's just getting exciting. 723 00:50:14,333 --> 00:50:17,803 - What the hell. - That guy's a dickhead. 724 00:50:23,213 --> 00:50:25,681 You wanted to see me, Patches? 725 00:50:26,893 --> 00:50:30,442 You did good out there, real good. You're a natural leader, La Fleur. 726 00:50:30,533 --> 00:50:33,525 Those men and that muff-diver believe in you. 727 00:50:33,613 --> 00:50:36,002 Kate's not a muff-diver. 728 00:50:37,733 --> 00:50:39,724 Hey. That's for you. 729 00:50:41,053 --> 00:50:44,170 - l can't accept this. - You're a hell of a player, Peter. 730 00:50:44,253 --> 00:50:46,562 You earned it. 731 00:50:46,653 --> 00:50:51,363 l've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat. 732 00:50:51,453 --> 00:50:54,570 No, thanks, l'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you. 733 00:50:54,653 --> 00:50:56,644 Suit yourself, queer. 734 00:51:06,493 --> 00:51:08,245 - Sorry. - Justin? 735 00:51:08,333 --> 00:51:10,927 Amber. Jeez Louise, what are you doing here? 736 00:51:11,013 --> 00:51:15,962 - The National Cheerleading Championships. - Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome. 737 00:51:16,053 --> 00:51:19,807 - We're in the finals tomorrow. And you? - l'm in the dodgeball tournament. 738 00:51:19,893 --> 00:51:24,444 These are my team-mates, Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon. 739 00:51:24,533 --> 00:51:26,728 This is Amber. 740 00:51:26,813 --> 00:51:28,883 Come on, l wanna ride the roller coaster. 741 00:51:28,973 --> 00:51:33,683 - Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man. - Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber. 742 00:51:33,773 --> 00:51:39,166 - lt was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow. - And also you. You look healthy... good. 743 00:51:40,013 --> 00:51:41,492 What? 744 00:51:41,573 --> 00:51:44,451 Don't worry about that guy, Justin. He's a total jerk. 745 00:51:44,533 --> 00:51:47,843 He'll probably fall off the roller coaster and break every bone. 746 00:51:47,933 --> 00:51:50,493 - Nice, Dwight. - l'm just saying, it happens. 747 00:51:50,573 --> 00:51:53,041 My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead. 748 00:51:53,133 --> 00:51:54,282 Thanks, man. 749 00:51:58,653 --> 00:52:01,531 Let's huddle up here. We've got some work to do. 750 00:52:01,613 --> 00:52:03,729 We got lucky in the first round. 751 00:52:03,813 --> 00:52:07,283 We caught those dirty Krauts napping, but that won't happen again, 752 00:52:07,373 --> 00:52:11,366 so blow out the horse hockey and remember what l taught you. 753 00:52:11,453 --> 00:52:17,642 Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low and will someone catch a goddamned ball? 754 00:52:17,733 --> 00:52:22,249 lt's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there. 755 00:52:22,333 --> 00:52:26,121 Get it together. Let's play some dodgeball. 756 00:52:26,213 --> 00:52:28,044 Hands in. 757 00:52:28,133 --> 00:52:30,124 One, two, three, Joe's. 758 00:52:31,733 --> 00:52:33,883 - Average Joe's ready? - Yes. 759 00:52:33,973 --> 00:52:36,043 Lumberjacks, ready? 760 00:52:36,133 --> 00:52:37,122 Dodgeball. 761 00:52:37,213 --> 00:52:40,649 Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. 762 00:52:40,733 --> 00:52:44,169 These woodsmen probably haven't even smelt a woman in eight months. 763 00:52:44,253 --> 00:52:46,972 They must masturbate a lot, Cotton. 764 00:52:47,053 --> 00:52:49,647 - Clean hit. You're out. - ln the deer gut. 765 00:52:49,733 --> 00:52:52,611 - Average Joe's looking tough. - Yes. 766 00:52:57,453 --> 00:53:00,013 There's a souvenir for a lucky fan. 767 00:53:02,173 --> 00:53:06,803 Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him. That's all she wrote, folks. 768 00:53:06,893 --> 00:53:10,966 Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of their own and moves onto the quarterfinal. 769 00:53:13,013 --> 00:53:15,732 Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb on the Kamikazes. 770 00:53:15,813 --> 00:53:19,249 l don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. l never could. 771 00:53:19,333 --> 00:53:20,652 Peekaboo. 772 00:53:20,893 --> 00:53:23,805 White Goodman, employing his patented peekaboo-style attack, 773 00:53:23,893 --> 00:53:27,203 tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo. 774 00:53:28,773 --> 00:53:31,845 ls he gonna feel it tomorrow? Right in his beak. 775 00:53:31,933 --> 00:53:36,688 A relentless Globo Gym attack led by their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman. 776 00:53:36,773 --> 00:53:39,731 lt's gotta be the hair. lt's beautiful. 777 00:53:39,813 --> 00:53:44,091 Feathered and lethal. You just don't see it nowadays. 778 00:53:45,253 --> 00:53:51,010 Globo Gym says, ''Domo arigato, Mr Roboto'', and breezes into the semifinals. 779 00:53:53,173 --> 00:53:56,688 Skillz That Killz, ready? Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball. 780 00:53:56,773 --> 00:54:00,049 Average Joe's planning to playa hate Skillz That Killz, 781 00:54:00,133 --> 00:54:02,442 the inner-city champs for five years straight. 782 00:54:02,533 --> 00:54:07,049 Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's, doing more dancing than dodgeballing. 783 00:54:07,133 --> 00:54:10,569 They better check themselves before they wreck themselves. 784 00:54:10,653 --> 00:54:15,647 Right you are, partner. Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires. 785 00:54:16,453 --> 00:54:19,047 Winner. Average Joe's. 786 00:54:19,133 --> 00:54:23,843 And Average Joe's, not blinded by the bling-bling, advances to the semifinal. 787 00:54:26,253 --> 00:54:30,690 Globo Gym's making mincemeat of the Las Vegas Police Department. 788 00:54:30,773 --> 00:54:32,445 That's gotta hurt. 789 00:54:34,493 --> 00:54:36,324 B-b-b-bull's-eye. 790 00:54:36,413 --> 00:54:38,643 Winner. Globo Gym. 791 00:54:38,733 --> 00:54:43,602 Sportsmanship be darned. Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187, 792 00:54:43,693 --> 00:54:46,161 and they're going to the finals. 793 00:54:48,573 --> 00:54:52,691 The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars are all over Average Joe's today. 794 00:54:52,773 --> 00:54:57,927 ltjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals. 795 00:54:58,013 --> 00:55:00,004 Right in the testicles. 796 00:55:00,093 --> 00:55:02,527 Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro. 797 00:55:02,613 --> 00:55:05,650 Average Joe's down to their final two players. 798 00:55:06,893 --> 00:55:09,043 La Fleur can't hold on. He's gotta sit down. 799 00:55:09,133 --> 00:55:12,011 - Time out. Gordy. - Time out. Time out. 800 00:55:12,613 --> 00:55:13,966 Time. Time is out. 801 00:55:14,053 --> 00:55:17,887 lt looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, 802 00:55:17,973 --> 00:55:20,567 turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin. 803 00:55:20,653 --> 00:55:23,042 l sure do like pumpkins, Cotton. 804 00:55:24,413 --> 00:55:27,803 You won't hit 'em. They're too good, and you suck somethin' awful. 805 00:55:27,893 --> 00:55:31,408 - Yes, sir. l do. - Our only shot is for you to get angry. 806 00:55:31,493 --> 00:55:35,042 - Roger that. OK. - All right. Hands in. 807 00:55:35,133 --> 00:55:37,442 - One, two, three. - Joe's. 808 00:55:38,253 --> 00:55:41,211 You gotta get angry. Get angry now. 809 00:55:41,293 --> 00:55:45,844 Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars. lt's all over but the crying. 810 00:55:45,933 --> 00:55:49,323 Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye. 811 00:56:02,053 --> 00:56:05,363 - Dodgeball. - Let the dodgeball slaughter begin. 812 00:56:05,453 --> 00:56:07,284 Good deflection there. 813 00:56:07,373 --> 00:56:09,523 Hang on. And another one. 814 00:56:09,613 --> 00:56:12,081 Three balls at once. Who knew? 815 00:56:12,573 --> 00:56:15,007 Four on one. Pibb won't go down without a fight. 816 00:56:15,093 --> 00:56:17,402 That's it. 817 00:56:17,493 --> 00:56:20,485 - You're kidding me. - He's callin' 'em out. 818 00:56:21,293 --> 00:56:23,284 Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it? 819 00:56:23,373 --> 00:56:28,083 - Go, you crazy son of a bitch. Go. - He's on the warpath. 820 00:56:30,133 --> 00:56:32,647 lncredible. lt's one on one. 821 00:56:32,733 --> 00:56:36,408 - l can't believe it. - lt's just not believable, Cotton. 822 00:56:44,253 --> 00:56:45,242 Winner. 823 00:56:45,573 --> 00:56:48,645 Average Joe's wins. 824 00:56:48,733 --> 00:56:53,602 They are going to the finals to play Globo Gym for $50,000. 825 00:56:53,693 --> 00:56:57,402 - That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin. - Right you are, Pep. 826 00:56:57,493 --> 00:56:59,882 l never would have dreamed it possible. 827 00:56:59,973 --> 00:57:04,410 But with seven-time ADAA All-Star Patches O'Houlihan at the helm, 828 00:57:04,493 --> 00:57:07,212 l guess it must be the luck of the lrish. 829 00:57:11,093 --> 00:57:15,006 Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards. 830 00:57:15,093 --> 00:57:15,843 Yeah. 831 00:57:15,933 --> 00:57:20,290 - You really think we can beat Globo Gym? - As long as we got Patches, we got a shot. 832 00:57:27,013 --> 00:57:28,207 My God. 833 00:57:29,093 --> 00:57:32,927 Well, it's probably the way he would have wanted to go. 834 00:57:33,013 --> 00:57:36,289 - What? - What are we gonna do without Patches? 835 00:57:36,373 --> 00:57:38,443 We're gonna get our taints handed to us. 836 00:57:38,533 --> 00:57:41,491 - What's a taint? - l dunno. Sounds bad. 837 00:57:42,653 --> 00:57:45,804 Maybe you should go say something to the guys. 838 00:57:45,893 --> 00:57:47,008 Yeah. 839 00:57:47,093 --> 00:57:53,441 They don't make a ''sorry your coach just got crushed by two tons of irony'' Hallmark card. 840 00:57:54,933 --> 00:57:57,401 l'll be right back. 841 00:58:07,653 --> 00:58:09,132 What? 842 00:58:09,213 --> 00:58:14,207 We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City. l've been boning up on my Spanish. 843 00:58:16,293 --> 00:58:19,603 Me'Shell was having some digestive problems. l hope you don't mind. 844 00:58:19,693 --> 00:58:21,888 Will you shut that? 845 00:58:21,973 --> 00:58:24,533 For all of us, baby. 846 00:58:27,093 --> 00:58:32,690 So that's the deal. l give you $100,000, you sign over the deed to your gym. 847 00:58:32,773 --> 00:58:34,445 Period. 848 00:58:34,533 --> 00:58:36,603 End o'story. 849 00:58:36,693 --> 00:58:41,813 You really think you can come here and buy me out, you're a lot dumber than l thought. 850 00:58:41,893 --> 00:58:47,286 Oh, l don't think l'm a lot dumber than you thought l'd think that l thought l was once. 851 00:58:47,373 --> 00:58:50,445 Look, Peter, l know what it's like. 852 00:58:50,533 --> 00:58:54,970 Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth, we're really pretty much the same guy. 853 00:58:55,053 --> 00:58:58,602 We're both leaders. And l like what you've done with the gym over there. 854 00:58:58,693 --> 00:59:03,403 l love the whole ''l'm not OK, you're not OK, but that's OK'' thing you got going. 855 00:59:03,493 --> 00:59:06,690 ''You can be fat as long as you're happy inside.'' lt works. 856 00:59:06,773 --> 00:59:10,083 And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. 857 00:59:10,173 --> 00:59:12,084 You're their Fonzie, Pete. 858 00:59:12,173 --> 00:59:14,368 ''Hey.'' Right? 859 00:59:16,373 --> 00:59:21,731 But do you really think it's fair for them to put all that pressure on you? All the time? 860 00:59:22,653 --> 00:59:25,850 Looking to you to solve their every problem? 861 00:59:25,933 --> 00:59:27,491 l mean, come on. 862 00:59:27,573 --> 00:59:31,566 l know you. You know you. 863 00:59:31,653 --> 00:59:34,565 And l know you know that l know you. 864 00:59:34,653 --> 00:59:37,042 You're heading for a fall, Pete. 865 00:59:37,133 --> 00:59:40,489 Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close. 866 00:59:40,573 --> 00:59:44,566 And when it does, they're gonna blame you. 867 00:59:46,093 --> 00:59:49,927 l don't know if you've ever seen $100,000, except maybe in the movies. 868 00:59:50,013 --> 00:59:53,767 But l assure you, something gets lost in the translation. 869 00:59:56,653 --> 01:00:00,612 Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game. 870 01:00:02,333 --> 01:00:04,085 Take the money. 871 01:00:04,773 --> 01:00:09,449 lnvest it in something. Give it to charity, l don't care. 872 01:00:16,053 --> 01:00:18,123 Just sign the contract. 873 01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:26,211 Come on, guys. We got Peter. 874 01:00:26,293 --> 01:00:30,286 And they got guys named Laser and Blazer and Taser, and all kinds of asers. 875 01:00:30,373 --> 01:00:33,763 Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster. 876 01:00:34,853 --> 01:00:36,923 Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri. 877 01:00:37,013 --> 01:00:39,481 - Thanks, Ms Veatch. - Nothing for me. 878 01:00:39,573 --> 01:00:43,646 - Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter. - Let's not talk about tomorrow. 879 01:00:43,733 --> 01:00:47,089 - What are we gonna do? - l don't know. lt's a little complicated. 880 01:00:47,173 --> 01:00:50,210 - But what do you think we should do? - Yeah. Come on, tell us. 881 01:00:50,293 --> 01:00:51,487 What's the plan? 882 01:00:51,573 --> 01:00:54,690 What do you guys want from me? l don't have a plan for you. 883 01:00:54,773 --> 01:00:58,812 We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow and we're probably gonna lose. 884 01:00:58,893 --> 01:01:04,331 lt's the truth. The sooner you guys get that through your head, the easier this will all be. 885 01:01:05,693 --> 01:01:08,161 Jesus Christ. 886 01:01:08,613 --> 01:01:10,683 He didn't mean that. 887 01:01:10,773 --> 01:01:14,846 - ls he being serious? - He's probably just stressed out. 888 01:01:14,933 --> 01:01:17,686 l've never seen him like that. 889 01:01:19,693 --> 01:01:23,368 Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter... 890 01:01:23,453 --> 01:01:25,921 You are not a pirate. 891 01:01:33,293 --> 01:01:37,764 OK, guys. Let's get out of here and get some rest for tomorrow, right? 892 01:01:45,093 --> 01:01:46,890 Dwight... 893 01:01:46,973 --> 01:01:51,808 l'm gonna catch up with you guys later. l'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... 894 01:01:51,893 --> 01:01:53,611 in the bathroom. 895 01:01:53,693 --> 01:01:56,207 Whatever you do, wash your hands. 896 01:02:06,173 --> 01:02:08,733 Excuse me, miss. l was wondering if... 897 01:02:08,813 --> 01:02:11,247 You are the one who stares at me. 898 01:02:11,333 --> 01:02:13,608 Why is this? 899 01:02:13,693 --> 01:02:18,130 Because l think you're the most beautiful thing l've ever seen. 900 01:02:24,253 --> 01:02:26,562 Watch it, freak. 901 01:02:38,773 --> 01:02:41,082 Go back to Treasure lsland. 902 01:02:41,173 --> 01:02:43,528 Fag. 903 01:02:43,613 --> 01:02:45,604 Screw you. 904 01:02:57,413 --> 01:03:01,122 Katie, bar the door. lt's time for the championship match 905 01:03:01,213 --> 01:03:03,522 here on ESPN8 - the ''Ocho''. 906 01:03:03,613 --> 01:03:07,492 We've seen it all here, folks. Grit, determination, incontinence. 907 01:03:07,573 --> 01:03:10,041 And it's all come down to this - a Cinderella story. 908 01:03:10,133 --> 01:03:14,729 Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack 909 01:03:14,813 --> 01:03:18,692 into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, 910 01:03:18,773 --> 01:03:22,448 and walk away with $50,000 in stone-cold cash. 911 01:03:22,533 --> 01:03:26,492 Hello, everybody, and welcome to what you've all been waiting for. 912 01:03:26,573 --> 01:03:30,248 A David-and-Goliath story truer than the Bible itself. 913 01:03:30,333 --> 01:03:34,292 The championship dodgeball match here on ESPN8 - the ''Ocho''. 914 01:03:36,893 --> 01:03:38,531 Peter? 915 01:03:40,773 --> 01:03:42,331 Peter? 916 01:03:42,413 --> 01:03:44,881 Hello? 917 01:03:44,973 --> 01:03:46,247 Peter? 918 01:03:46,333 --> 01:03:49,052 Come on, everybody headed down... 919 01:03:58,173 --> 01:04:00,004 So what happens on a double fault? 920 01:04:00,093 --> 01:04:05,247 On a double fault you go to sudden-death elimination. lt's Continuation Rule 113-D. 921 01:04:05,333 --> 01:04:07,972 - Whatever. - Hey, guys, wait up. 922 01:04:11,813 --> 01:04:13,166 Justin. 923 01:04:13,253 --> 01:04:17,246 - l've been looking for you everywhere. - Really? l mean, why? What's up? 924 01:04:17,333 --> 01:04:21,326 Derek fell off the roller coaster and broke every bone in his body. 925 01:04:21,413 --> 01:04:22,812 My God, that's awful. 926 01:04:22,893 --> 01:04:26,329 We were the centre Kewpie. With no centre Kewpie we can't do our routine. 927 01:04:26,413 --> 01:04:29,325 - No. l'm sorry. - You gotta do it. 928 01:04:29,413 --> 01:04:31,005 What? 929 01:04:31,093 --> 01:04:33,084 No, no, no, no, no. l can't. 930 01:04:33,173 --> 01:04:36,882 Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas who knows our routine. 931 01:04:36,973 --> 01:04:42,331 - The dodgeball championship's at noon. - You'll be back in time. l promise. 932 01:04:45,253 --> 01:04:46,845 - All right, l'll do it. - Yes. 933 01:04:46,933 --> 01:04:48,969 - l gotta tell the guys. - No. No time. 934 01:04:49,053 --> 01:04:50,645 - l gotta tell the guys. - No time. 935 01:04:52,453 --> 01:04:57,243 Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today. No one is giving them much of a chance. 936 01:04:57,333 --> 01:04:59,085 What do you think, Pep? 937 01:04:59,173 --> 01:05:01,243 l spoke to White Goodman before the match 938 01:05:01,333 --> 01:05:06,248 and he told me that his team really wants to win this one. 939 01:05:06,333 --> 01:05:09,609 Right. And the stage is set for Darwin's cruellest play to unfold. 940 01:05:09,693 --> 01:05:13,322 So don't go anywhere, folks. The Schadenfreude is about to begin. 941 01:05:13,413 --> 01:05:17,565 - l don't understand. Why would Peter leave? - He knows we're gonna get killed. 942 01:05:17,653 --> 01:05:22,727 Hey. That's not true. l don't know why Peter left, but we can do this without him. 943 01:05:22,813 --> 01:05:25,885 We just have to figure it out. Owen, you'll have to play. 944 01:05:25,973 --> 01:05:29,249 - OK, yeah. - Great. But we'll still be two players short. 945 01:05:29,333 --> 01:05:33,292 We're still missing the teenage love-puppy and Steve the Pirate. 946 01:05:33,373 --> 01:05:35,728 Who's Steve the Pirate? 947 01:05:35,813 --> 01:05:39,522 The only guy on our team who dresses like a pirate. 948 01:05:39,613 --> 01:05:43,606 Wait. There's a guy on our team dressed like a pirate? 949 01:05:45,133 --> 01:05:52,562 And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport High School Charging Donkeys. 950 01:05:52,653 --> 01:05:54,644 Donkeys. 951 01:06:18,253 --> 01:06:19,811 Go, Donkeys. 952 01:06:22,533 --> 01:06:25,445 - We did it. - Holy cow. My God. 953 01:06:25,533 --> 01:06:28,764 - lt was perfect. You were perfect. - God, l gotta go. 954 01:06:28,853 --> 01:06:31,048 Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy? 955 01:06:31,133 --> 01:06:33,806 l'm sorry, Amber. l got my own trophy to win. 956 01:06:49,853 --> 01:06:52,242 Now l'm going. 957 01:06:57,053 --> 01:07:01,604 Here come the Purple Cobras, led by White Goodman. All business. 958 01:07:01,693 --> 01:07:05,129 We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. 959 01:07:05,213 --> 01:07:08,603 lt could be a psychological ploy, or something worse. 960 01:07:08,693 --> 01:07:12,925 They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable. 961 01:07:13,013 --> 01:07:17,609 We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors... 962 01:07:19,213 --> 01:07:21,443 Can l get a bottle of water? 963 01:07:23,853 --> 01:07:26,083 Aren't you Peter La Fleur? 964 01:07:27,093 --> 01:07:30,688 - Lance Armstrong? - Yeah, that's me. But l'm a big fan of yours. 965 01:07:30,773 --> 01:07:34,482 - Really? - Yeah, l've been watching the dodgeball. 966 01:07:34,573 --> 01:07:39,363 l just can't get enough of it. l'm really pullin' for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. 967 01:07:39,973 --> 01:07:43,249 l think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late. 968 01:07:43,333 --> 01:07:47,645 - Actually, l decided to quit, Lance. - Quit? 969 01:07:48,453 --> 01:07:54,323 Once l thought of quittin', when l had brain, lung and testicular cancer at the same time. 970 01:07:55,013 --> 01:07:57,686 But with the support of my friends l got back on the bike 971 01:07:57,773 --> 01:08:00,367 and l won the Tour de France five times in a row. 972 01:08:00,453 --> 01:08:04,332 But l'm sure you have a good reason to quit. 973 01:08:04,413 --> 01:08:07,803 What are you dying from that's keepin' you from the finals? 974 01:08:07,893 --> 01:08:11,932 Right now, it feels a little bit like shame. 975 01:08:12,013 --> 01:08:17,610 lf people never quit when the going got tough they'd have nothing to regret all their lives. 976 01:08:17,693 --> 01:08:22,483 Good luck to you, Peter. l'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever. 977 01:08:28,693 --> 01:08:32,606 Steve? Steve the Pirate? ''Scurvy.'' 978 01:08:32,693 --> 01:08:36,732 - No. Not ringing any bells. - Forget it, man. 979 01:08:36,813 --> 01:08:40,931 We'll play with four people. lt's not an advantage. Can't you bend the rules? 980 01:08:41,013 --> 01:08:45,211 There's nothing l can do. Rules are rules. You don't have enough players. 981 01:08:45,293 --> 01:08:49,172 lnform the committee and Mr Goodman about Average Joe's forfeit. 982 01:08:49,253 --> 01:08:52,404 - Yes, sir. - Better luck next year. 983 01:08:54,013 --> 01:08:55,526 Excuse me. 984 01:08:55,613 --> 01:08:58,923 Sorry l'm late. You won't believe whatjust happened. Hey, guys. 985 01:08:59,013 --> 01:09:01,686 You're just in time to help us forfeit. 986 01:09:01,773 --> 01:09:03,764 Forfeit? Why? 987 01:09:05,573 --> 01:09:08,645 Well, l don't know what to tell you, but... 988 01:09:08,733 --> 01:09:12,612 Yes, l'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players 989 01:09:12,693 --> 01:09:15,526 and will be forfeiting the championship match. 990 01:09:15,613 --> 01:09:18,571 lt's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em. 991 01:09:18,653 --> 01:09:24,125 To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor. 992 01:09:24,213 --> 01:09:27,842 Ladies and gentlemen, by the power vested in me 993 01:09:27,933 --> 01:09:32,961 by our governing body, the American Dodgeball Association of America, 994 01:09:33,053 --> 01:09:37,569 and in concurrence with our sponsors, Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks, 995 01:09:37,653 --> 01:09:39,723 it gives me great pleasure 996 01:09:39,813 --> 01:09:44,523 to declare the winner of this year's Las Vegas lnternational Tournament to be... 997 01:09:44,613 --> 01:09:46,763 Wait. He's here. 998 01:09:51,053 --> 01:09:53,726 Hey, guys. Sorry l'm late. 999 01:09:53,813 --> 01:09:55,849 We're ready to play, Your Honour. 1000 01:09:55,933 --> 01:10:00,688 Too late. Your lovable band of losers already forfeited. The trophy and money are mine. 1001 01:10:00,773 --> 01:10:04,129 He's right. The team already forfeited. There's nothing you can do. 1002 01:10:04,213 --> 01:10:06,773 Facial, La Fleur. Total facial. 1003 01:10:07,893 --> 01:10:09,690 Actually, that's not true. 1004 01:10:09,773 --> 01:10:13,891 The committee can overrule the chancellor - that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote. 1005 01:10:13,973 --> 01:10:16,203 He's right. He's right. lt's a bylaw. 1006 01:10:18,293 --> 01:10:20,807 - lt's a bylaw. - What's a bylaw? 1007 01:10:21,773 --> 01:10:25,209 - Hang on a second here, folks. - Let them play. 1008 01:10:25,293 --> 01:10:29,047 We mightjust have a championship game yet. 1009 01:10:29,133 --> 01:10:32,091 Listen to this crowd. 1010 01:10:32,173 --> 01:10:34,289 Unbelievable. 1011 01:10:34,373 --> 01:10:39,493 Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but the committee members have the final say. 1012 01:10:39,573 --> 01:10:42,690 And it looks like they've come to a decision. 1013 01:10:42,773 --> 01:10:45,446 Joe's needs two ''yes'' votes to play. 1014 01:10:45,533 --> 01:10:48,809 - There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's. - Please. 1015 01:10:48,893 --> 01:10:51,965 - Let's see how our second judge votes. - Thank you. 1016 01:10:52,053 --> 01:10:58,925 Oh, tough sledding there. lt's all even. Their fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge. 1017 01:10:59,013 --> 01:11:02,369 Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play. 1018 01:11:02,453 --> 01:11:05,604 That is pure poppycock. You're gonna let them do that? 1019 01:11:05,693 --> 01:11:09,049 - Thank you, Chuck Norris. - Thank you, Peter. 1020 01:11:10,773 --> 01:11:14,288 All right, captains. Shake hands, and let's have a clean match. 1021 01:11:14,373 --> 01:11:16,364 Good luck, White. 1022 01:11:17,813 --> 01:11:20,885 Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur. 1023 01:11:20,973 --> 01:11:24,283 Prepare to be humiliated on cable television. 1024 01:11:24,373 --> 01:11:26,364 Whatever. 1025 01:11:28,253 --> 01:11:31,325 - Nice of you to show up. - Yeah, l thought so too. 1026 01:11:31,413 --> 01:11:34,211 What? l got a plan. 1027 01:11:36,053 --> 01:11:41,844 Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto? 1028 01:11:41,933 --> 01:11:44,049 - ''Aim low''. - That's right. 1029 01:11:44,133 --> 01:11:47,011 All l'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. 1030 01:11:47,093 --> 01:11:51,211 l say we go out there, let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. 1031 01:11:51,293 --> 01:11:53,853 l mean, it's only dodgeball, right? 1032 01:11:53,933 --> 01:11:57,812 - Put 'em in. One, two, three. - Joe's. 1033 01:12:20,493 --> 01:12:22,688 Globo Gym, ready? 1034 01:12:22,773 --> 01:12:25,571 Average Joe's, ready? 1035 01:12:27,773 --> 01:12:28,728 Dodgeball. 1036 01:12:28,813 --> 01:12:34,046 Championship match is under way. Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath. 1037 01:12:35,293 --> 01:12:37,932 Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch. 1038 01:12:39,213 --> 01:12:42,330 White Goodman's hit, but that ball's up for grabs. And... 1039 01:12:42,413 --> 01:12:44,290 - lt's caught. - That's a catch. 1040 01:12:44,373 --> 01:12:47,809 - You're out, La Fleur. - Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down. 1041 01:12:47,893 --> 01:12:51,010 And Joe's has lost their two best players early. 1042 01:12:51,373 --> 01:12:53,443 Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard. 1043 01:12:53,533 --> 01:12:56,093 Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome. 1044 01:12:56,173 --> 01:12:58,084 You're mine next time. 1045 01:13:01,293 --> 01:13:06,083 Right in the tokus. 2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating. 1046 01:13:09,973 --> 01:13:12,328 - Hi. - Hey. 1047 01:13:14,133 --> 01:13:16,806 - You're out. - l don't know what that was, 1048 01:13:16,893 --> 01:13:21,489 but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side of a 4-2 advantage. 1049 01:13:21,573 --> 01:13:24,485 Joe's gets an elimination. lt's two on three. 1050 01:13:24,573 --> 01:13:26,131 Get out. 1051 01:13:26,213 --> 01:13:28,488 Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad. 1052 01:13:30,373 --> 01:13:34,366 White Goodman with a catch. Gordon Pibb goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in. 1053 01:13:34,453 --> 01:13:36,171 You're out, four-eyes. 1054 01:13:36,253 --> 01:13:40,531 Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper. 1055 01:13:40,613 --> 01:13:42,251 Word, Cotton. 1056 01:13:42,333 --> 01:13:47,487 Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid mongoose wouldn't have a chance now. 1057 01:13:47,573 --> 01:13:50,212 - Nice dodge. - Stay alive. Stay alive. 1058 01:13:52,213 --> 01:13:54,522 They're just toying with the young man now. 1059 01:13:54,613 --> 01:13:57,446 He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key. 1060 01:13:57,533 --> 01:13:59,285 Justin, let's go. 1061 01:14:00,453 --> 01:14:01,932 What a great catch. 1062 01:14:02,013 --> 01:14:05,244 And another. Peter La Fleur comes back into the game. 1063 01:14:05,333 --> 01:14:09,212 Just like that, a three-player swing. Joe's isn't done yet. 1064 01:14:09,293 --> 01:14:10,851 Justin. 1065 01:14:10,933 --> 01:14:13,401 l love you. 1066 01:14:13,493 --> 01:14:15,324 l love you t... 1067 01:14:16,013 --> 01:14:17,969 Joanie loves Chachi. 1068 01:14:18,053 --> 01:14:21,648 Two players left on each side. What a match. What a sport. 1069 01:14:22,253 --> 01:14:27,725 Throw out the rule book, folks, it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball. 1070 01:14:29,373 --> 01:14:33,048 Look out. La Fleur goes down - he's a sitting duck. 1071 01:14:37,933 --> 01:14:43,849 How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice. 1072 01:14:43,933 --> 01:14:48,688 As touching a moment as we've seen on the dodgeball court all tournament. 1073 01:14:49,453 --> 01:14:52,013 A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman. 1074 01:14:52,093 --> 01:14:56,609 - That's court misconduct. That's a warning. - Come on. Gimme a break. 1075 01:14:57,693 --> 01:14:59,172 - You OK? - Yeah, l'm fine. 1076 01:14:59,253 --> 01:15:01,642 - Jesus. Are you sure? - Yeah. l'm all right. 1077 01:15:01,733 --> 01:15:04,770 - lt was an accident. l thought she was in play. - Not a chance. 1078 01:15:04,853 --> 01:15:07,765 We're sweating like greased monkeys. l can't hold on to a ball. 1079 01:15:07,853 --> 01:15:10,970 Sorry, miss, but you're out. You gotta get off the court. 1080 01:15:11,053 --> 01:15:12,771 Watch him, man. 1081 01:15:12,853 --> 01:15:15,083 - Hey, Peter. - Yeah? 1082 01:15:15,173 --> 01:15:16,891 Kick his ass. 1083 01:15:17,453 --> 01:15:20,490 - Here's the restart. - Players, to your positions. 1084 01:15:20,573 --> 01:15:24,885 Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a menage a trois of pain. 1085 01:15:24,973 --> 01:15:28,568 Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton. 1086 01:15:30,453 --> 01:15:34,048 You're playing ready dodgeball. Balls are at your feet. 1087 01:15:34,133 --> 01:15:36,363 Ready? Dodgeball. 1088 01:15:36,453 --> 01:15:41,368 lt's a cat-and-mouse game, folks. Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot. 1089 01:15:44,693 --> 01:15:47,127 He gets the elimination. 1090 01:15:48,293 --> 01:15:53,811 My. Globo Gym wins. A Cinderella story cast asunder. 1091 01:15:53,893 --> 01:15:57,852 Average Joe's has come all this way for nothing. Absolutely nothing. 1092 01:15:57,933 --> 01:16:00,572 They're not gonna get anything, Cotton. 1093 01:16:01,693 --> 01:16:05,652 No elimination. Double fault. You stepped over the line on the throw. 1094 01:16:05,733 --> 01:16:09,612 What? You gotta be out of your mind. That is the worst call l've ever seen. 1095 01:16:09,693 --> 01:16:13,891 l'm out here busting my butt and you come in with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap. 1096 01:16:13,973 --> 01:16:18,808 ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir. Sudden death. 1097 01:16:18,893 --> 01:16:20,292 All right. Bring it. 1098 01:16:20,373 --> 01:16:23,683 l don't believe it, folks. Sudden death. 1099 01:16:23,773 --> 01:16:25,445 Well, let me tell you, 1100 01:16:25,533 --> 01:16:31,130 a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, 1101 01:16:31,213 --> 01:16:33,852 and l think we all remember how that turned out. 1102 01:16:33,933 --> 01:16:40,327 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball. 1103 01:16:40,413 --> 01:16:42,722 Pepper needs new shorts. 1104 01:16:44,653 --> 01:16:47,770 White, Peter, this is sudden death. 1105 01:16:48,213 --> 01:16:53,571 Only striking an opposing player eliminates them. Catching the ball does nothing. 1106 01:16:53,653 --> 01:16:57,487 Both feet must remain in the triangle at all times. 1107 01:16:57,573 --> 01:17:02,089 You may throw any time after my call. Understood? 1108 01:17:02,973 --> 01:17:06,648 OK. Let's have a clean match. Good luck, gentlemen. 1109 01:17:07,133 --> 01:17:09,931 This is it, La Loser. 1110 01:17:11,333 --> 01:17:14,882 You ready for the hurricane? 1111 01:17:15,933 --> 01:17:19,528 Just don't go cryin' to mama when l spank you in front of all these people. 1112 01:17:20,653 --> 01:17:25,488 You don't go crying to your daddy after l wipe it up with your face. 1113 01:17:27,053 --> 01:17:29,851 - White? - Yeah? 1114 01:17:29,933 --> 01:17:34,370 - You look awful fat in those pants. - Players, to your positions. 1115 01:17:34,453 --> 01:17:38,082 This is about gamesmanship. Throw early and you're defenceless. 1116 01:17:38,173 --> 01:17:44,009 Throw late and you're eliminated. Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball. 1117 01:17:44,093 --> 01:17:47,085 This sport doesn't build character, it reveals it. 1118 01:17:47,173 --> 01:17:50,131 Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A. 1119 01:17:51,893 --> 01:17:53,884 Come on, talk to me. 1120 01:17:55,413 --> 01:17:57,563 Listen up, crotch stain. 1121 01:17:57,653 --> 01:18:01,851 Remember your training and trust your instincts. 1122 01:18:01,933 --> 01:18:04,606 You can do it. l believe in you. 1123 01:18:07,413 --> 01:18:09,131 Bye-bye. 1124 01:18:09,213 --> 01:18:10,202 Right. 1125 01:18:10,293 --> 01:18:13,091 Players, turn and step in. 1126 01:18:28,213 --> 01:18:30,681 What the hell's he doing? 1127 01:18:30,773 --> 01:18:33,287 l don't know. 1128 01:18:35,333 --> 01:18:36,527 Get a load of this guy. 1129 01:18:36,613 --> 01:18:40,242 ln 23 years of broadcasting l thought l'd seen it all, folks. 1130 01:18:40,333 --> 01:18:44,087 But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself. 1131 01:18:44,173 --> 01:18:46,846 He will not be able to see very well, Cotton. 1132 01:18:56,013 --> 01:18:58,481 Ready? 1133 01:19:03,093 --> 01:19:05,448 Dodgeball. 1134 01:19:11,213 --> 01:19:13,408 Goodbye, Peter. 1135 01:19:13,493 --> 01:19:16,212 l always knew you were weak. 1136 01:19:19,573 --> 01:19:22,246 Air Goodman, comin' at ya. 1137 01:19:29,773 --> 01:19:32,765 Down goes Goodman. Down goes Goodman. 1138 01:19:32,853 --> 01:19:36,050 Winner. Average Joe's. 1139 01:19:39,373 --> 01:19:42,922 Do you believe in unlikelihoods? 1140 01:19:43,013 --> 01:19:46,130 Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world 1141 01:19:46,213 --> 01:19:50,252 and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match. 1142 01:19:50,333 --> 01:19:51,652 Unbelievable. 1143 01:19:51,733 --> 01:19:56,011 l have been to the Great Wall of China. l have seen the Pyramids of Egypt. 1144 01:19:56,093 --> 01:19:58,607 l've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. 1145 01:19:58,693 --> 01:20:00,923 But never in all my years as a sportscaster 1146 01:20:01,013 --> 01:20:05,962 have l witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here. 1147 01:20:06,053 --> 01:20:10,649 The little team that could, Average Joe's Gymnasium, underdogs throughout, 1148 01:20:10,733 --> 01:20:15,409 stand before us, aglow, as true dodgeball champions. 1149 01:20:15,493 --> 01:20:19,964 On behalf of the American Dodgeball Association of America, 1150 01:20:20,053 --> 01:20:24,365 it is my honour to present to you this cheque for $50,000. 1151 01:20:30,373 --> 01:20:33,331 What are you so happy about, La Fleur? None of this matters. 1152 01:20:33,413 --> 01:20:37,725 You signed your gym over to me last night, remember? You lost, l won. 1153 01:20:37,813 --> 01:20:39,883 Suck failure, freaks. 1154 01:20:39,973 --> 01:20:43,090 Peter, is that true? 1155 01:20:43,173 --> 01:20:45,084 Yeah, it's true. 1156 01:20:45,173 --> 01:20:48,370 lt's true l sold Average Joe's to White. 1157 01:20:48,453 --> 01:20:50,808 lt's true that every man has his price. 1158 01:20:50,893 --> 01:20:55,683 And it's also true that money won is a lot sweeter than money earned. 1159 01:20:55,773 --> 01:20:59,971 - Now he's a philosophiser. - Excuse us. Step aside, please. 1160 01:21:01,053 --> 01:21:03,362 Your winnings, Mr La Fleur. Congratulations. 1161 01:21:03,453 --> 01:21:07,332 - Right on time. l appreciate it. Thank you. - What is that? What winnings? 1162 01:21:07,413 --> 01:21:11,884 Gosh, l totally forgot to tell you. l took the $100,000 bribe that you gave me last night, 1163 01:21:11,973 --> 01:21:14,931 and l put it on us to win. We were going off at 50-1. 1164 01:21:15,013 --> 01:21:18,289 Anyone? Top of your head? What's 50 times $100,000? 1165 01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:19,726 $50,000? 1166 01:21:19,813 --> 01:21:23,726 $5 million. Peter, are you kidding me? 1167 01:21:23,813 --> 01:21:25,883 Surprise. 1168 01:21:29,053 --> 01:21:33,968 Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. l wouldn't sell you your gym back for all King Midas's silver. 1169 01:21:34,053 --> 01:21:38,729 The gym is mine. So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here. 1170 01:21:38,813 --> 01:21:41,646 You're right. l can't make you sell Average Joe's to me. 1171 01:21:41,733 --> 01:21:45,408 So l guess l'll just take your advice and invest in something. 1172 01:21:45,493 --> 01:21:49,566 - Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym. - That's preposterous. l'd never allow it. 1173 01:21:49,653 --> 01:21:53,282 Globo Gym is a publicly traded company. There's nothing you can do about it. 1174 01:21:53,373 --> 01:21:58,606 So l would control Globo Gym and everything that Globo Gym owns, 1175 01:21:58,693 --> 01:22:02,686 which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym. 1176 01:22:04,013 --> 01:22:05,412 l'm your new boss, White. 1177 01:22:05,493 --> 01:22:08,769 You can't be my boss. Nobody can. l'm my own boss. l created myself. 1178 01:22:08,853 --> 01:22:11,925 - You're fired, pal. - You can't do anything to me. 1179 01:22:12,453 --> 01:22:15,411 You're going down, La Fleur, like a sweet muffin. 1180 01:22:15,493 --> 01:22:18,963 - Another time, another time. - You suck, La Fleur. 1181 01:22:20,773 --> 01:22:22,764 Give me that. 1182 01:22:25,533 --> 01:22:28,001 Man, the blindfold was crazy. 1183 01:22:29,453 --> 01:22:31,967 Peter. 1184 01:22:32,053 --> 01:22:34,521 Look. lt's Steve the Pirate. 1185 01:22:38,013 --> 01:22:43,007 l just wanted to tell you that l thought about what you said, and 1186 01:22:44,013 --> 01:22:46,243 l guess you're right. 1187 01:22:46,333 --> 01:22:48,608 l'm not really a pirate. 1188 01:22:49,893 --> 01:22:52,361 l don't know, Steve. 1189 01:22:52,453 --> 01:22:54,569 lf you're not a pirate, 1190 01:22:54,653 --> 01:22:58,362 who the hell am l gonna split all that buried treasure with? 1191 01:23:03,293 --> 01:23:05,090 Peter... 1192 01:23:05,173 --> 01:23:06,970 Gar, Steve. 1193 01:23:12,293 --> 01:23:13,885 We missed you. 1194 01:23:16,773 --> 01:23:18,365 Hey, you. 1195 01:23:18,453 --> 01:23:20,444 Hey, you. 1196 01:23:22,093 --> 01:23:24,049 - Joyce? - Kate. 1197 01:23:24,493 --> 01:23:28,771 - l thought you were in Guam. - l caught an early flight. l wouldn't miss this. 1198 01:23:28,853 --> 01:23:31,048 You are amazing. 1199 01:23:34,573 --> 01:23:38,964 - l told you she was a lesbian. - Wow. Good call. 1200 01:23:39,453 --> 01:23:42,445 Hey. l'm not a lesbian. 1201 01:23:42,533 --> 01:23:44,125 You're not? 1202 01:23:44,213 --> 01:23:45,692 No. 1203 01:23:45,773 --> 01:23:48,128 l'm bisexual. 1204 01:23:49,693 --> 01:23:51,524 Snap. 1205 01:23:52,093 --> 01:23:55,449 All right, everybody. Smile big. 1206 01:24:00,133 --> 01:24:03,887 Hi. l'm Peter La Fleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym. 1207 01:24:03,973 --> 01:24:07,488 l'm here to tell you you're perfectjust the way you are. 1208 01:24:07,573 --> 01:24:13,045 But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and makin' friends in the process, 1209 01:24:13,133 --> 01:24:14,885 Joe's is the place for you. 1210 01:24:14,973 --> 01:24:18,283 Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes are forming right now. 1211 01:24:18,373 --> 01:24:23,049 So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids? 1212 01:24:23,133 --> 01:24:25,124 Right. 1213 01:24:34,253 --> 01:24:36,289 Spare me. 1214 01:24:36,373 --> 01:24:38,762 l won that tournament. 1215 01:24:41,333 --> 01:24:44,052 Fucking Chuck Norris. 1216 01:24:46,053 --> 01:24:48,044 Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton & Rob Colling 1217 01:24:48,293 --> 01:24:50,284 ENGLlSH 1218 01:27:42,013 --> 01:27:45,050 Yeah. l hope you're all happy now. 1219 01:27:45,133 --> 01:27:47,567 Good guy wins, bad guy loses. 1220 01:27:47,653 --> 01:27:50,121 Big friggin' surprise. 1221 01:27:51,173 --> 01:27:53,084 l love happy endings. 1222 01:27:55,973 --> 01:28:00,171 You know, that's the problem with the American cinema. 1223 01:28:00,253 --> 01:28:02,642 Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? 1224 01:28:02,733 --> 01:28:06,772 ''Don't make me think, l just wanna be entertained.'' 1225 01:28:06,853 --> 01:28:08,684 All right, fine. 1226 01:28:08,773 --> 01:28:12,288 You want a little somethin'-somethin' for the ride home? 1227 01:28:12,373 --> 01:28:14,762 Check these boots out for size. 1228 01:28:16,533 --> 01:28:18,649 My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard 1229 01:28:18,733 --> 01:28:20,803 And they're like, ''lt's better than yours'' 1230 01:28:20,893 --> 01:28:22,770 Damn right, it's better than yours 1231 01:28:22,853 --> 01:28:25,413 l could teach you, but l'd have to charge 1232 01:28:26,413 --> 01:28:30,406 What the boys go crazy for 1233 01:28:31,693 --> 01:28:32,808 They lose their minds 1234 01:28:32,893 --> 01:28:35,168 My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard 1235 01:28:35,253 --> 01:28:36,971 Damn right, it's better than yours 1236 01:28:37,053 --> 01:28:40,523 l could teach you, but l'd have to charge 1237 01:28:42,173 --> 01:28:45,131 You happy? Fatty make a funny?