1 00:02:07,535 --> 00:02:11,096 Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW!, Cardinal Glick. 2 00:02:19,247 --> 00:02:20,339 Thank you. 3 00:02:20,415 --> 00:02:22,349 Now we all know how the majority... 4 00:02:22,417 --> 00:02:24,681 and the media in this country... 5 00:02:24,752 --> 00:02:27,016 view the Catholic church. 6 00:02:27,088 --> 00:02:30,182 They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. 7 00:02:30,258 --> 00:02:33,489 People find the Bible obtuse... 8 00:02:33,561 --> 00:02:35,051 even hokey. 9 00:02:35,129 --> 00:02:37,222 Now, in an effort to disprove all that... 10 00:02:37,298 --> 00:02:41,029 the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... 11 00:02:41,102 --> 00:02:43,070 both of faith and of style. 12 00:02:43,905 --> 00:02:46,203 For example, the crucifix. 13 00:02:46,274 --> 00:02:48,902 While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith... 14 00:02:48,976 --> 00:02:52,036 Holy Mother Church has decided to retire... 15 00:02:52,113 --> 00:02:53,705 this highly recognizable... 16 00:02:53,781 --> 00:02:56,079 yet wholly depressing image... 17 00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:58,345 of our Lord, crucified. 18 00:02:58,419 --> 00:03:01,786 Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies. 19 00:03:01,856 --> 00:03:03,721 He came to help us out. 20 00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:07,488 He was a booster, and it's with that take on our Lord in mind... 21 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:10,326 that we've come up with a new, more inspiring Sigil. 22 00:03:11,165 --> 00:03:14,328 So, it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first... 23 00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:17,064 of many revamps the Catholicism Wow! campaign... 24 00:03:17,138 --> 00:03:20,574 will unveil over the next year, I give you... 25 00:03:20,641 --> 00:03:21,869 "The Buddy Christ." 26 00:03:31,686 --> 00:03:34,746 That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol. 27 00:03:34,822 --> 00:03:37,222 Just something we've been kicking around the office. 28 00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:38,690 But look at it. 29 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,591 Doesn't it pop? 30 00:03:40,661 --> 00:03:42,288 Buddy Christ. 31 00:03:42,463 --> 00:03:44,488 Well, there you have it. 32 00:03:44,565 --> 00:03:46,465 Let me get this straight. 33 00:03:46,534 --> 00:03:50,129 You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland? 34 00:03:50,204 --> 00:03:52,229 No, Through the Looking Glass. 35 00:03:52,306 --> 00:03:54,240 That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"... 36 00:03:54,308 --> 00:03:56,538 that's an indictment of organized religion. 37 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:58,636 The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature... 38 00:03:58,713 --> 00:04:00,738 he obviously represents either Buddha... 39 00:04:00,815 --> 00:04:03,841 or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. 40 00:04:03,918 --> 00:04:05,909 That takes care of your Eastern religions. 41 00:04:05,987 --> 00:04:08,717 Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ... 42 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:12,419 who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. 43 00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:14,961 Now, in the poem, what do they do? 44 00:04:15,029 --> 00:04:17,589 They dupe all these oysters into following them... 45 00:04:17,665 --> 00:04:21,431 and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. 46 00:04:21,502 --> 00:04:24,437 I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says... 47 00:04:24,505 --> 00:04:28,271 that following these faiths based on mythological figures... 48 00:04:28,342 --> 00:04:31,072 ensures the destruction of one's inner-being. 49 00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:33,238 Organized religion destroys who we are... 50 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:36,147 by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions... 51 00:04:36,217 --> 00:04:39,584 out of fear of some intangible parent figure... 52 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,646 who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago... 53 00:04:42,723 --> 00:04:46,625 and says, "Do it-- Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you!" 54 00:04:46,694 --> 00:04:48,059 Oh, Jesus! 55 00:04:48,129 --> 00:04:51,724 The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before. 56 00:04:52,633 --> 00:04:55,124 What have I been doing with my life? 57 00:04:56,070 --> 00:04:58,595 - What am I? - Yeah, I know. 58 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,470 Listen, my advice to you... 59 00:05:00,541 --> 00:05:03,101 you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish... 60 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:06,374 go get yourself a nice dress, fix yourself up. 61 00:05:06,447 --> 00:05:09,678 Find some man-- find some woman--you can connect with, even for a moment... 62 00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:12,844 'cause that's really all life is, Sister-- a series of moments. 63 00:05:13,988 --> 00:05:15,922 Why don't you seize yours? 64 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,559 That a girl. 65 00:05:28,569 --> 00:05:30,503 You know, here's what I don't get about you. 66 00:05:30,571 --> 00:05:33,404 You know for a fact that there is a God. 67 00:05:33,474 --> 00:05:36,307 You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. 68 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:39,608 - Yet I heard you claim to be atheist. - I like to fuck with the clergy, man. 69 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,116 I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes. 70 00:05:43,184 --> 00:05:45,118 Here's what I don't get about you. 71 00:05:45,186 --> 00:05:47,950 Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time? 72 00:05:48,022 --> 00:05:50,490 My friend, because this is humanity at its best. 73 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:51,752 Look at them. 74 00:05:51,826 --> 00:05:55,694 All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... 75 00:05:55,763 --> 00:05:59,699 forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. 76 00:05:59,767 --> 00:06:01,029 See those two? 77 00:06:01,102 --> 00:06:04,401 What that guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away. 78 00:06:04,472 --> 00:06:06,406 - She did? - Twice. 79 00:06:06,474 --> 00:06:08,635 - Nice. - But it doesn't matter right now... 80 00:06:08,709 --> 00:06:11,644 'cause they're just both so relieved to be with one another. 81 00:06:12,713 --> 00:06:13,975 I like that. 82 00:06:14,048 --> 00:06:16,346 I wish they all could feel that way more often. 83 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:19,580 Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons? 84 00:06:19,654 --> 00:06:22,088 You call me, you tell me it's important. 85 00:06:22,156 --> 00:06:25,614 What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments? 86 00:06:25,693 --> 00:06:27,752 We're going home. 87 00:06:27,828 --> 00:06:30,092 Somebody sent us this in the mail. 88 00:06:34,802 --> 00:06:38,033 Take it and quit leering at me. People will think I just broke up with you. 89 00:06:38,105 --> 00:06:41,541 - You said we're going home, didn't you? - Read. 90 00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:45,602 "Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign." 91 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,147 And? 92 00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,911 You have to keep reading. 93 00:06:50,985 --> 00:06:53,112 "The rededication of St. Michael's Church..." 94 00:06:53,187 --> 00:06:55,587 ...is the kickoff of a new campaign which seeks to bring... 95 00:06:55,656 --> 00:06:57,487 Catholicism into the mainstream. 96 00:06:57,558 --> 00:07:00,083 With a papal sanction, the archway entrance... 97 00:07:00,161 --> 00:07:02,629 of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship... 98 00:07:02,697 --> 00:07:05,097 will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence-- 99 00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:08,499 a little-known Catholic belief offering all that passes through its arches... 100 00:07:08,569 --> 00:07:10,434 a morally clean slate. 101 00:07:10,504 --> 00:07:13,667 For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks. 102 00:07:13,741 --> 00:07:17,233 All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home? 103 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:20,803 No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. 104 00:07:20,881 --> 00:07:23,509 - Then all we have to do is die. - Die? I don't wanna die. 105 00:07:23,584 --> 00:07:27,350 - You rather hang around here? - No. We don't know if we can die. 106 00:07:27,421 --> 00:07:30,515 But what if we can and then the arch thing doesn't work? 107 00:07:30,591 --> 00:07:32,388 What then, Hell? Fuck that. 108 00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:34,394 It's impossible. If we cut off our wings... 109 00:07:34,462 --> 00:07:37,898 and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. 110 00:07:37,965 --> 00:07:40,433 If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. 111 00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,629 We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home. 112 00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:47,105 - Who sent the paper? - Who cares who sent the paper? 113 00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:50,268 All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole. 114 00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:52,278 He can't keep us out anymore. 115 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,280 Once we're back in, it'll be forgive and forget. 116 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:56,441 But this thing, this is Church law. 117 00:07:56,517 --> 00:07:58,382 It's not Divine Mandate. 118 00:07:58,452 --> 00:08:02,047 Church laws are fallible because they're created by man. 119 00:08:02,123 --> 00:08:05,559 One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope... 120 00:08:05,626 --> 00:08:09,187 by the Son of God before He left was... 121 00:08:09,263 --> 00:08:12,460 - "Whatever you hold true on Earth--" - "I'll hold true in Heaven." 122 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:15,593 It's dogmatic law. If the Church says it's so, God must adhere. 123 00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,330 This thing has a papal sanction-- 124 00:08:17,405 --> 00:08:20,306 Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail... 125 00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:22,308 never yielded positive results. 126 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,469 You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. 127 00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,809 Outstanding work! 128 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,782 There's just one thing I think we gotta do before we leave. 129 00:08:29,850 --> 00:08:31,977 This is gonna help us get back on His good side. 130 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,213 What? 131 00:08:33,287 --> 00:08:36,154 Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. Read that. 132 00:08:36,223 --> 00:08:37,690 "Mooby, the Golden Calf. 133 00:08:37,758 --> 00:08:40,522 Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity." 134 00:08:40,594 --> 00:08:42,494 I wanna hit 'em. 135 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:45,293 You really are just a simple creature. 136 00:08:45,366 --> 00:08:47,664 We finally find a way back and you want to jeopardize that... 137 00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:49,828 because you've got a soft spot for the good ol' days. 138 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,362 What better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied... 139 00:08:53,441 --> 00:08:54,931 thanks to you? 140 00:08:55,009 --> 00:08:58,069 I don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us. 141 00:08:58,145 --> 00:09:01,046 Killing spree? I'm talking about Divine Justice here. 142 00:09:01,115 --> 00:09:04,448 I'm talking about reigning down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. 143 00:09:04,518 --> 00:09:07,146 He's all about that. I know He'd want this done. 144 00:09:07,221 --> 00:09:09,917 There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. 145 00:09:09,990 --> 00:09:11,582 Doesn't that mean anything to you? 146 00:09:11,659 --> 00:09:14,526 And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are? 147 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:17,223 If I'm wrong-- which I'm not-- it's not gonna matter. 148 00:09:17,298 --> 00:09:19,562 We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. 149 00:09:19,633 --> 00:09:22,466 We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul. 150 00:09:22,536 --> 00:09:26,233 Well, He does hate competition. I will say that. 151 00:09:26,307 --> 00:09:28,605 And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading. 152 00:09:28,676 --> 00:09:30,701 Where is this church we have to go to? 153 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:34,077 New Jersey. Rededication ceremony is in four days. 154 00:09:34,148 --> 00:09:36,116 Last four days on Earth? 155 00:09:36,183 --> 00:09:38,549 If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. 156 00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:40,746 - We can do the next best thing. - What's that? 157 00:09:40,821 --> 00:09:42,686 Let's kill people. 158 00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,348 Oh, not you. 159 00:09:51,298 --> 00:09:54,825 The greater Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation... 160 00:09:54,902 --> 00:09:57,200 will be holding its biannual softball game... 161 00:09:57,271 --> 00:09:58,738 against the Cook County... 162 00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:01,206 Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2:00. 163 00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:03,675 Today's second collection will be donated... 164 00:10:03,744 --> 00:10:06,577 to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund. 165 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,013 For those of you who haven't been following the news... 166 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:11,176 an unidentified homeless man... 167 00:10:11,252 --> 00:10:15,382 who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday... 168 00:10:15,456 --> 00:10:19,586 lies in critical, but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals. 169 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,457 He lacks identification... 170 00:10:21,529 --> 00:10:25,021 and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family. 171 00:10:25,099 --> 00:10:29,502 The archbishop of the Trenton diocese has disputed the state's decision... 172 00:10:29,570 --> 00:10:32,801 to remove the indigent man from life-support systems... 173 00:10:32,873 --> 00:10:35,603 asking that Catholics all over the country... 174 00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:38,804 join in this protest against euthanasia. 175 00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:42,306 Well, now please rise for the recession of faith. 176 00:10:46,287 --> 00:10:48,847 We believe in one God, the Father Almighty... 177 00:10:48,923 --> 00:10:50,447 Maker of Heaven and Earth. 178 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:53,618 We believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord-- 179 00:10:55,229 --> 00:10:56,560 Choose life! 180 00:10:56,630 --> 00:11:00,088 You're gonna burn in Hell, ya fuckin' baby killer! 181 00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:01,964 Holy shit. It's the pope. 182 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,435 - Huh? - Where? 183 00:11:03,504 --> 00:11:04,835 What are you talking about? 184 00:11:14,148 --> 00:11:17,811 Jesus! You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them? 185 00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,012 They hate me more than you, no doubt. 186 00:11:20,087 --> 00:11:22,954 At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better. 187 00:11:23,023 --> 00:11:26,515 We already used that excuse when we killed Christ. 188 00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:28,653 Where were you yesterday? We went to brunch. 189 00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,094 I went to church. 190 00:11:30,164 --> 00:11:32,098 That still kills me, you and church. 191 00:11:32,166 --> 00:11:35,693 If only they knew your weekly tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check. 192 00:11:35,769 --> 00:11:38,203 I don't know why I still go, Liz. 193 00:11:39,473 --> 00:11:43,102 I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved. 194 00:11:43,177 --> 00:11:46,408 Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. 195 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,914 I don't think I have any faith left. 196 00:11:50,184 --> 00:11:53,119 Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with? 197 00:11:54,655 --> 00:11:58,591 The 20-year-old. The one I could have baby-sat for in high school. 198 00:11:58,659 --> 00:12:01,025 The point is, he told me something. 199 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,655 He said that faith is like a glass of water. 200 00:12:03,731 --> 00:12:06,700 When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. 201 00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,701 As you get older, the glass gets bigger. 202 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,794 The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. 203 00:12:10,871 --> 00:12:13,704 But periodically the glass has to be refilled. 204 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,674 You're suggesting I need to get filled? 205 00:12:15,743 --> 00:12:16,971 In more ways than one. 206 00:12:17,044 --> 00:12:21,481 You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for 10 minutes. 207 00:12:21,548 --> 00:12:24,381 It's been my experience that the average male is never a man... 208 00:12:24,451 --> 00:12:26,851 not even for ten minutes in his entire life span. 209 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,855 That sounds militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side? 210 00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,823 Couldn't do it. Women are insane. 211 00:12:31,892 --> 00:12:35,089 Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option. 212 00:12:35,162 --> 00:12:37,096 I think God is dead. 213 00:12:37,164 --> 00:12:39,598 The sign of a true Catholic. 214 00:12:50,077 --> 00:12:53,410 Good afternoon, Mrs.Reynolds. 215 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,175 I'm from the EPA. 216 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:59,184 We're checking on possible freon leaks. 217 00:12:59,253 --> 00:13:01,585 Tell me, do you have air conditioning? 218 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,350 Yes, we have central air. 219 00:13:03,424 --> 00:13:05,051 In every room? 220 00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:06,922 Except the bathroom. Why? 221 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,019 Well, you do know what that means, don't you? 222 00:13:20,374 --> 00:13:21,966 Move! 223 00:13:28,582 --> 00:13:32,211 No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... 224 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:35,250 than central air. 225 00:13:35,956 --> 00:13:38,117 Pick that up. 226 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:45,393 This will be the base of operations from here on in. 227 00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:48,367 Now, if I remember the protocol correctly... 228 00:13:48,435 --> 00:13:49,868 the powers... 229 00:13:49,937 --> 00:13:53,338 will attempt to contact the last scion. 230 00:13:53,407 --> 00:13:55,568 I need you three... 231 00:13:55,642 --> 00:13:58,770 to shuffle her loose the mortal coil. 232 00:14:02,783 --> 00:14:03,909 Go. 233 00:14:37,684 --> 00:14:40,585 Behold the Metatron! 234 00:14:40,654 --> 00:14:43,452 Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God! 235 00:14:43,524 --> 00:14:46,220 Behold the Metatron! 236 00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:50,354 Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God! 237 00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:09,814 Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can? 238 00:15:09,883 --> 00:15:12,909 Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room? 239 00:15:12,986 --> 00:15:15,819 I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich. 240 00:15:15,889 --> 00:15:17,857 Stupid fucking-- 241 00:15:17,925 --> 00:15:20,257 Get the fuck out of here, now! 242 00:15:20,327 --> 00:15:22,955 Or you'll do what exactly? 243 00:15:23,030 --> 00:15:25,225 Hit me with that fish? 244 00:15:30,070 --> 00:15:33,096 Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. 245 00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:35,767 Jesus wept! 246 00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,606 Look at my suit. 247 00:15:39,246 --> 00:15:41,510 Just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me. 248 00:15:41,582 --> 00:15:45,985 Give over! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped. 249 00:15:48,188 --> 00:15:49,678 See? 250 00:15:52,359 --> 00:15:55,192 I'm as anatomically-impaired as a Ken doll. 251 00:15:56,263 --> 00:15:58,458 Make yourself useful and give me that towel. 252 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,932 You bottom-feeders and your arrogance. 253 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:04,698 You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers. 254 00:16:04,771 --> 00:16:06,363 What are you? 255 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,465 I'm pissed off is what I am. 256 00:16:08,542 --> 00:16:12,603 Do you drench everyone who comes in your room with flame-retardant chemicals? 257 00:16:12,679 --> 00:16:15,546 No wonder you're single. 258 00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:20,778 Stand back. 259 00:16:30,130 --> 00:16:32,121 As I was sayin'... 260 00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:35,430 prior to your fire-fighting episode... 261 00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:38,967 I am the Metatron. 262 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,503 Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell? 263 00:16:46,246 --> 00:16:47,713 You people. 264 00:16:47,781 --> 00:16:50,978 If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it? 265 00:16:52,819 --> 00:16:55,014 I am a seraphim. 266 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,689 The highest choir of angels. 267 00:17:00,994 --> 00:17:02,928 You do know what an angel is, don't you? 268 00:17:05,966 --> 00:17:08,628 Metatron acts as the voice of God. 269 00:17:08,702 --> 00:17:12,934 Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them... 270 00:17:13,006 --> 00:17:14,735 they're speaking to me. 271 00:17:14,808 --> 00:17:17,003 Or they're talking to themselves. 272 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,206 Why doesn't God speak for Himself? 273 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:25,449 Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that... 274 00:17:25,519 --> 00:17:28,750 human beings have neither the aural, nor the psychological capacity... 275 00:17:28,822 --> 00:17:33,282 to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. 276 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,796 Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode. 277 00:17:36,863 --> 00:17:39,730 We went through five Adams before we figured that one out. 278 00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:43,634 Well, how do I know you're an angel? 279 00:17:43,704 --> 00:17:48,038 Aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? 280 00:17:50,844 --> 00:17:52,778 You want more proof? 281 00:17:52,846 --> 00:17:54,541 Fine. 282 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:55,741 How about tequila? 283 00:18:03,090 --> 00:18:06,992 - Where the hell are we? - Only place you can go for good tequila. 284 00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:10,154 Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass. 285 00:18:12,165 --> 00:18:13,928 We're in Mexico? 286 00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:16,435 Actually, we're in a franchised Mexican family eatery... 287 00:18:16,503 --> 00:18:18,733 down the street from your apartment, but... 288 00:18:18,805 --> 00:18:20,670 it's impressive nonetheless. 289 00:18:20,741 --> 00:18:25,405 You don't mind I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile low. 290 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,276 What do you want with me? 291 00:18:29,850 --> 00:18:33,752 I am to charge you with a holy crusade. 292 00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:37,119 For the record, I work in an abortion clinic. 293 00:18:37,190 --> 00:18:39,556 Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. 294 00:18:39,626 --> 00:18:43,528 And no one's asking you to build an ark. All you gotta do is go to New Jersey... 295 00:18:43,597 --> 00:18:46,157 and visit a small church on a very important day. 296 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,899 New Jersey? 297 00:18:53,106 --> 00:18:55,199 That doesn't sound like much of a crusade. 298 00:18:55,275 --> 00:18:57,800 Aside from the fine print, that's it. 299 00:18:57,878 --> 00:18:59,937 What's the fine print? 300 00:19:01,148 --> 00:19:03,946 Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. 301 00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:06,212 Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. 302 00:19:06,286 --> 00:19:09,551 Stop a couple of angels from entering... 303 00:19:09,623 --> 00:19:12,786 and thus negating all existence. 304 00:19:12,859 --> 00:19:15,157 I hate it when people need it spelled out for them. 305 00:19:15,228 --> 00:19:17,059 You might want to clarify that. 306 00:19:18,298 --> 00:19:22,496 Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered. 307 00:19:22,569 --> 00:19:24,696 And His wrath was bore... 308 00:19:24,771 --> 00:19:28,002 by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. 309 00:19:28,075 --> 00:19:30,236 When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed... 310 00:19:30,310 --> 00:19:31,800 that was Loki. 311 00:19:31,878 --> 00:19:35,939 When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie... 312 00:19:36,016 --> 00:19:38,746 that was Loki-- and he was good at what he did. 313 00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:40,582 But one day... 314 00:19:40,654 --> 00:19:43,623 he refused to bear God's wrath any longer. 315 00:19:44,324 --> 00:19:47,191 - Why? - He listened to his friend... 316 00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:49,319 a Grigori by the name of Bartleby. 317 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:50,522 Grigori? 318 00:19:50,597 --> 00:19:53,828 One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. 319 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,333 Guess what they do. 320 00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:59,839 So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt-- 321 00:19:59,906 --> 00:20:02,397 The Tenth Plague. 322 00:20:02,476 --> 00:20:05,274 Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. 323 00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:07,438 Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie... 324 00:20:07,514 --> 00:20:09,675 and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar. 325 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,684 May I continue uninterrupted? 326 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,845 Once he's done with the firstborn... 327 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:18,619 Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. 328 00:20:18,692 --> 00:20:21,024 And over many rounds... 329 00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:23,221 they get into this discussion about... 330 00:20:23,296 --> 00:20:25,196 whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. 331 00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:26,630 And in the end... 332 00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:30,636 Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position... 333 00:20:30,704 --> 00:20:33,036 and take one which doesn't involve slaughter. 334 00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:34,698 So... 335 00:20:36,176 --> 00:20:38,576 very inebriated... 336 00:20:38,645 --> 00:20:41,307 Loki tells God he quits... 337 00:20:41,381 --> 00:20:43,679 throws down his fiery sword... 338 00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:45,684 and gives Him the finger. 339 00:20:45,752 --> 00:20:48,949 Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward... 340 00:20:49,022 --> 00:20:52,082 God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. 341 00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:53,626 Hence all the spitting. 342 00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,122 So, for their insolence... 343 00:20:56,196 --> 00:20:59,188 God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby... 344 00:20:59,266 --> 00:21:01,826 would ever be allowed back into Paradise. 345 00:21:01,902 --> 00:21:03,767 - Were they sent to Hell? - Worse. 346 00:21:03,837 --> 00:21:05,771 Wisconsin... 347 00:21:05,839 --> 00:21:08,774 for the entire span of human history. 348 00:21:08,842 --> 00:21:12,005 And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity. 349 00:21:12,078 --> 00:21:14,069 And this has what to do with me? 350 00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:18,675 Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma... 351 00:21:18,752 --> 00:21:21,346 that would allow them to reenter Heaven. 352 00:21:21,421 --> 00:21:24,117 So what? They beat the system. Good for them. 353 00:21:24,191 --> 00:21:26,091 It's not that simple. 354 00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:30,255 If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. 355 00:21:31,932 --> 00:21:34,867 Now listen closely because this bit's very important. 356 00:21:36,036 --> 00:21:40,063 Existence in all its form and splendor... 357 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:43,803 function solely on one principle-- 358 00:21:43,877 --> 00:21:46,903 God is infallible. 359 00:21:46,980 --> 00:21:48,914 To prove Him wrong... 360 00:21:48,982 --> 00:21:51,951 would undo reality and everything that is. 361 00:21:52,018 --> 00:21:54,919 Up would become down, black would become white. 362 00:21:54,988 --> 00:21:57,957 Existence would become nothingness. 363 00:21:58,024 --> 00:21:59,616 In essence... 364 00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:03,162 if they're allowed to enter that church... 365 00:22:04,998 --> 00:22:07,990 they'll unmake the world. 366 00:22:08,068 --> 00:22:10,969 If this is so major, why are you talking to me? 367 00:22:11,037 --> 00:22:13,801 - Why doesn't God do something about it? - He could. 368 00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:17,002 But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally. 369 00:22:17,077 --> 00:22:18,704 Why me? 370 00:22:18,778 --> 00:22:21,076 Because of who you are. 371 00:22:21,147 --> 00:22:23,012 And who am I? 372 00:22:23,083 --> 00:22:25,210 The girl in the pj's! 373 00:22:25,285 --> 00:22:28,982 Don't ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose. 374 00:22:29,055 --> 00:22:31,080 I'm gonna have to pass. 375 00:22:31,992 --> 00:22:33,152 I beg your pardon? 376 00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:37,663 When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God? 377 00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:39,358 When my husband decided... 378 00:22:39,432 --> 00:22:41,866 he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children... 379 00:22:41,935 --> 00:22:43,232 where was God? 380 00:22:45,672 --> 00:22:46,934 To Hell with Him. 381 00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:51,239 Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being... 382 00:22:51,311 --> 00:22:53,609 just because you've got a grudge against your Creator. 383 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,114 So you lost the ability to make life. 384 00:22:56,182 --> 00:22:59,674 You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world... 385 00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:02,051 by acting like one and protecting it-- 386 00:23:02,122 --> 00:23:04,056 saving it! 387 00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,527 But I can't make you. 388 00:23:09,629 --> 00:23:12,257 However, if you should decide to stop being selfish... 389 00:23:12,332 --> 00:23:14,823 and accept your responsibility... 390 00:23:14,901 --> 00:23:16,801 you won't be alone. 391 00:23:16,870 --> 00:23:18,235 You'll have support. 392 00:23:18,305 --> 00:23:20,398 What? More angels? 393 00:23:20,473 --> 00:23:22,065 Prophets. 394 00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:27,036 In a manner of speaking. Two of 'em. 395 00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:32,107 The one who speaks... 396 00:23:32,185 --> 00:23:35,746 and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... 397 00:23:35,822 --> 00:23:37,847 will make mention of himself as a prophet. 398 00:23:37,924 --> 00:23:39,414 The other one... 399 00:23:40,393 --> 00:23:42,156 well, he's the quiet type. 400 00:23:42,228 --> 00:23:43,490 Look, I've gotta go. 401 00:23:43,563 --> 00:23:45,895 Remember, we're working in a time frame here. 402 00:23:50,337 --> 00:23:51,531 What's He like? 403 00:23:51,604 --> 00:23:52,571 God? 404 00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:56,302 Lonely... 405 00:23:56,376 --> 00:23:58,276 but funny. 406 00:23:58,345 --> 00:24:00,506 He's got a great sense of humor. 407 00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:02,514 Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier... 408 00:24:02,582 --> 00:24:05,244 than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus. 409 00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,252 Sex is a joke in Heaven? 410 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:11,154 The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too. 411 00:24:11,224 --> 00:24:12,486 I'll see ya. 412 00:26:15,548 --> 00:26:18,381 Snootch to the motherfucking nootch! 413 00:26:54,521 --> 00:26:57,922 Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks! 414 00:26:59,058 --> 00:27:01,526 Snoogans. Did you see that shit, man? 415 00:27:01,594 --> 00:27:05,257 I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pube-less asses! 416 00:27:11,104 --> 00:27:13,538 I don't know what to say or think, except-- 417 00:27:13,606 --> 00:27:15,574 That you'll offer us sex as a reward? 418 00:27:15,642 --> 00:27:18,873 That I'd like to know who they and you are. 419 00:27:18,945 --> 00:27:21,846 I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob. 420 00:27:21,915 --> 00:27:24,440 I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours... 421 00:27:24,517 --> 00:27:27,452 and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented. 422 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,353 Thanks for being out here so late. 423 00:27:30,423 --> 00:27:32,618 Wait a minute. Are you protestors? 424 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:35,684 You mean those dickheads with the signs and pictures of dead babies? 425 00:27:35,762 --> 00:27:38,230 Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. 426 00:27:38,298 --> 00:27:40,266 A woman's body is her own fucking business. 427 00:27:40,333 --> 00:27:42,324 But what are you doing hanging around? 428 00:27:42,402 --> 00:27:44,427 We're here to pick up chicks. 429 00:27:44,504 --> 00:27:46,233 Excuse me? 430 00:27:46,306 --> 00:27:49,469 We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women. 431 00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:52,306 Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck? 432 00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,306 Right. 433 00:27:55,381 --> 00:27:58,179 Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue. 434 00:27:58,251 --> 00:28:00,151 - I think. - Wait a second. 435 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:02,814 We just saved your ass, and you're just gonna take off. 436 00:28:02,889 --> 00:28:03,981 What the shit is that? 437 00:28:04,057 --> 00:28:07,959 I had a weird night last night and tonight's not shaping up to be better. 438 00:28:08,027 --> 00:28:10,996 I think I should go home, take some Percosets and lay down. 439 00:28:12,365 --> 00:28:15,823 Now how about that shit? Fuck this town, man! 440 00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:18,427 I'm goin' back to Jersey and startin' up the business again. 441 00:28:18,504 --> 00:28:22,338 I can kick the shit out of kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit. 442 00:28:22,408 --> 00:28:25,002 Prophets. Two of ‘em. 443 00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:28,775 - You know what I'm sayin', Silent Bob? - You gotta be kidding me. 444 00:28:28,848 --> 00:28:31,544 We call this piece "The Fecalator." 445 00:28:31,618 --> 00:28:34,246 One look at it and the target shits him or herself. 446 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,753 Try it on. 447 00:28:36,823 --> 00:28:41,123 It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but not nearly as impressive. 448 00:28:41,194 --> 00:28:44,493 It doesn't have that "Wrath of the Almighty" edge to it. 449 00:28:44,564 --> 00:28:48,694 How am I supposed to strike fear into hearts of the wicked with this thing? 450 00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:49,860 Look at this. 451 00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:54,635 Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste like. 452 00:28:54,707 --> 00:28:57,699 Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. 453 00:28:57,777 --> 00:28:59,972 You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. 454 00:29:00,046 --> 00:29:01,980 I had to do all the work. 455 00:29:02,048 --> 00:29:05,313 What work did you do? You lit a few fires. 456 00:29:05,385 --> 00:29:07,979 I rained down sulfur. There's a subtle difference. 457 00:29:08,054 --> 00:29:09,783 Okay, I'm sure. 458 00:29:09,856 --> 00:29:13,917 Fuck you. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. 459 00:29:13,993 --> 00:29:15,927 Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial. 460 00:29:15,995 --> 00:29:18,657 Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in... 461 00:29:18,731 --> 00:29:20,289 next to soccer. 462 00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:23,499 I'll take this one. 463 00:29:36,949 --> 00:29:40,407 So, what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both? 464 00:29:40,486 --> 00:29:42,886 If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. 465 00:29:42,955 --> 00:29:44,980 You're a man of principle. 466 00:29:45,058 --> 00:29:48,687 Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here? 467 00:29:48,761 --> 00:29:51,252 Some fuck named John Hughes. 468 00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:53,026 Sixteen Candles John Hughes? 469 00:29:53,866 --> 00:29:57,302 You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. 470 00:29:57,370 --> 00:30:00,134 He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad. 471 00:30:00,206 --> 00:30:02,436 There's tits in it, but no bush. 472 00:30:02,508 --> 00:30:05,136 But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing... 473 00:30:05,211 --> 00:30:07,611 because he's like in love with this John Hughes guy. 474 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:09,841 He goes out and rents every one of his movies. 475 00:30:09,916 --> 00:30:14,376 Fuckin' Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention. 476 00:30:14,454 --> 00:30:18,220 Fuckin' Weird Science, where this babe wants to undress and get down... 477 00:30:18,291 --> 00:30:21,488 but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie. 478 00:30:21,561 --> 00:30:25,725 And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore... 479 00:30:25,798 --> 00:30:29,165 because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy... 480 00:30:29,235 --> 00:30:32,762 he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. 481 00:30:32,839 --> 00:30:36,070 And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep. 482 00:30:36,142 --> 00:30:38,110 What exactly brought you to Illinois? 483 00:30:38,177 --> 00:30:42,079 All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois... 484 00:30:42,148 --> 00:30:46,278 where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. 485 00:30:46,352 --> 00:30:49,321 Except for Judd Nelson. He was fuckin' harsh. 486 00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:50,686 But best of all... 487 00:30:50,757 --> 00:30:52,884 there was no one dealin', man. 488 00:30:52,959 --> 00:30:55,427 Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats... 489 00:30:55,495 --> 00:30:57,793 if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. 490 00:30:57,864 --> 00:31:01,027 So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. 491 00:31:01,100 --> 00:31:04,194 But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? 492 00:31:04,270 --> 00:31:07,171 There is no Shermer, Illinois. 493 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,208 Movies are fuckin' bullshit. 494 00:31:09,275 --> 00:31:13,268 - When are you going back to New Jersey? - This broad asks a lot of questions. 495 00:31:13,346 --> 00:31:16,509 - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow. 496 00:31:16,582 --> 00:31:18,447 Yeah. So you do anal? 497 00:31:18,518 --> 00:31:21,043 Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass? 498 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,020 I didn't ask you out for sex. 499 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:25,023 I'll take head. 500 00:31:27,493 --> 00:31:31,020 This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. 501 00:31:33,599 --> 00:31:35,533 I think I should go with you. 502 00:31:35,601 --> 00:31:38,536 Like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? 503 00:31:39,672 --> 00:31:42,607 All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent. 504 00:31:42,675 --> 00:31:45,508 No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey. 505 00:31:45,578 --> 00:31:46,670 Really? 506 00:31:46,746 --> 00:31:48,839 You're going to lead me somewhere. 507 00:31:48,915 --> 00:31:50,576 Me lead you? 508 00:31:50,650 --> 00:31:53,619 Lady, look at me. I don't even know where I am half the time. 509 00:31:53,686 --> 00:31:56,678 If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for? 510 00:31:56,756 --> 00:32:00,817 Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me someplace I was supposed to go. 511 00:32:00,893 --> 00:32:02,884 What the hell are you babbling about? 512 00:32:02,962 --> 00:32:05,658 We saved your ass from some angry fuckin' dwarves... 513 00:32:05,731 --> 00:32:09,497 and now we're supposed to take you somewhere as if we know where it is? 514 00:32:11,437 --> 00:32:13,200 Do you believe in God? 515 00:32:14,674 --> 00:32:17,939 Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches out in front of that place... 516 00:32:18,010 --> 00:32:19,944 and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? 517 00:32:20,012 --> 00:32:21,274 - Let's get the fuck out of here. - Wait. 518 00:32:21,347 --> 00:32:23,042 - I'll scream rape. - I can pay you. 519 00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:25,416 Pay? 520 00:32:28,087 --> 00:32:30,055 A hundred bucks for being my guide. 521 00:32:30,122 --> 00:32:34,218 You were going to Jersey anyway. All I'm asking is to tag along. 522 00:32:34,293 --> 00:32:37,785 I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi... 523 00:32:37,864 --> 00:32:40,264 and we're in that fucked-up bar! 524 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,857 What about sex? 525 00:32:41,934 --> 00:32:43,265 No sex. 526 00:32:45,338 --> 00:32:49,206 Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live. 527 00:32:49,275 --> 00:32:52,767 A bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you fuck us then? 528 00:32:52,845 --> 00:32:54,870 In that highly unlikely situation? 529 00:32:58,251 --> 00:32:59,445 Yeah, sure. 530 00:33:00,987 --> 00:33:02,579 She's a slut. 531 00:33:04,891 --> 00:33:06,483 All right. 532 00:33:08,594 --> 00:33:10,061 But I get to drive. 533 00:33:19,171 --> 00:33:21,639 What gear are you in? 534 00:33:21,707 --> 00:33:22,901 Gear? 535 00:33:31,851 --> 00:33:34,445 What do I know about shiftin'? 536 00:33:38,057 --> 00:33:39,718 Like I ever drove before. 537 00:33:44,130 --> 00:33:46,462 Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania... 538 00:33:46,532 --> 00:33:47,931 New Jersey. 539 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,127 Maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. 540 00:33:50,202 --> 00:33:54,332 How can you be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. 541 00:33:54,407 --> 00:33:58,138 I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a Hell-worthy trespass. 542 00:33:58,210 --> 00:34:00,678 The major sins never change. 543 00:34:02,148 --> 00:34:06,847 Besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker from a mile away. 544 00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,784 Bet on it. 545 00:34:08,854 --> 00:34:11,584 This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over that bet... 546 00:34:11,657 --> 00:34:14,854 about which was gonna be the bigger movie -- ET or Krush Groove. 547 00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:18,021 Fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one. 548 00:34:21,601 --> 00:34:25,162 Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore? 549 00:34:25,237 --> 00:34:26,795 Insinuating, no. 550 00:34:26,872 --> 00:34:29,432 Flat-out telling you. 551 00:34:32,445 --> 00:34:34,538 Right there. There's one. 552 00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:37,014 So? They're kissing. 553 00:34:37,083 --> 00:34:38,050 Adultery. 554 00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:40,415 - Adultery? - Adultery. 555 00:34:40,486 --> 00:34:42,454 You are just a simple creature. 556 00:34:42,521 --> 00:34:45,115 - Am I right? - I happen to know the truth. 557 00:34:45,191 --> 00:34:48,217 I'm not gonna tell you. I want to see how boned up on the job you are. 558 00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:51,092 - What's your proof? - He's wearing a wedding band. 559 00:34:51,163 --> 00:34:53,859 And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife? 560 00:34:53,933 --> 00:34:56,231 No married man kisses his wife like that. 561 00:34:56,302 --> 00:34:59,066 Okay. It's a good thing you were never... 562 00:34:59,138 --> 00:35:02,130 the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying. 563 00:35:02,208 --> 00:35:06,076 "No married man kisses his wife like that"? Are you stoned? 564 00:35:06,145 --> 00:35:07,237 Excuse me. 565 00:35:10,016 --> 00:35:11,506 Are you married? 566 00:35:11,584 --> 00:35:13,381 Why? 567 00:35:13,452 --> 00:35:14,919 I'm just curious. 568 00:35:14,987 --> 00:35:17,285 What do you think? 569 00:35:25,765 --> 00:35:28,325 - What? - To her? 570 00:35:28,401 --> 00:35:30,460 - What? - Are you married to her? 571 00:35:30,536 --> 00:35:33,972 Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no. 572 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,871 Why? 573 00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,680 Whose house 574 00:36:22,755 --> 00:36:25,223 Run's house 575 00:36:25,291 --> 00:36:27,919 I said, whose house 576 00:36:27,993 --> 00:36:29,927 Run's house 577 00:36:29,995 --> 00:36:32,122 Whose house Say what 578 00:36:32,198 --> 00:36:34,530 Run's house Say what 579 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:36,431 Martin 580 00:36:40,272 --> 00:36:43,332 She's fuckin' pissed, dude. She's never gonna fuck us now. 581 00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:45,400 Maybe you, but definitely not me. 582 00:36:45,478 --> 00:36:47,673 Let me know how she is. 583 00:36:47,747 --> 00:36:50,614 Nobody is fucking me! You got that? 584 00:36:51,450 --> 00:36:53,714 I don't know what I was thinking in that diner... 585 00:36:53,786 --> 00:36:57,051 but being that I've decided to go home, and not to New Jersey... 586 00:36:57,123 --> 00:36:59,614 sorry for the inconvenience and good-bye. 587 00:37:00,392 --> 00:37:01,859 You're breaking up with us? 588 00:37:03,162 --> 00:37:05,528 Who the hell do you think you are, lady? 589 00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:08,590 You can't just go around breaking people's hearts like that! 590 00:37:08,667 --> 00:37:11,966 I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you! 591 00:37:12,037 --> 00:37:15,165 Guys like us just don't fall out of the fuckin' sky. 592 00:37:23,048 --> 00:37:26,814 Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't fall out of the sky. 593 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,495 No heartbeat. 594 00:37:42,568 --> 00:37:45,162 Think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him... 595 00:37:45,237 --> 00:37:46,761 like in Con Air? 596 00:37:46,839 --> 00:37:49,535 - Did you ever see that flick? - Oh, did that suck! 597 00:37:49,608 --> 00:37:52,270 - Con Air? Con Shit. - Kill it! 598 00:37:52,344 --> 00:37:55,438 - Sounds familiar. - Jesus, are you okay? 599 00:37:55,514 --> 00:37:57,607 Yeah, it's Rufus. And yeah, I'm fine. 600 00:37:57,683 --> 00:37:59,947 He's the fucking undead! Cut his head off!. 601 00:38:00,019 --> 00:38:02,886 What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! 602 00:38:02,955 --> 00:38:07,051 So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel. 603 00:38:07,126 --> 00:38:09,594 Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. 604 00:38:09,662 --> 00:38:12,426 - Rufus, is it? - Yes, Rufus it is. 605 00:38:12,498 --> 00:38:16,958 It's usually Long Rufus, but it's a little cold out here. You understand? 606 00:38:17,036 --> 00:38:20,335 Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I find my own threads? 607 00:38:22,208 --> 00:38:24,472 Dude, he fell out of thin air. 608 00:38:25,611 --> 00:38:28,944 Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor. 609 00:38:29,014 --> 00:38:31,346 - Dude! - Thanks a lot, baby. 610 00:38:32,551 --> 00:38:34,746 I'll do my best to tuck it back. 611 00:38:34,820 --> 00:38:37,288 It's been a while since physics but I would think... 612 00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:40,325 the impact with which you hit the asphalt would have liquefied you. 613 00:38:40,392 --> 00:38:42,155 Death is a worry of the living. 614 00:38:42,228 --> 00:38:45,720 The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs. 615 00:38:45,798 --> 00:38:48,665 - Told you he was the undead. - Not the undead. The dead. 616 00:38:48,734 --> 00:38:49,758 I died. 617 00:38:49,835 --> 00:38:52,065 Christ told me the secret to the resurrection once. 618 00:38:52,137 --> 00:38:55,732 We were at this wedding in Caanan. I got drunk and forgot it. 619 00:38:55,808 --> 00:38:57,571 Wait, wait, wait. 620 00:38:57,643 --> 00:38:59,543 Christ? 621 00:38:59,612 --> 00:39:01,705 You knew Christ? 622 00:39:01,780 --> 00:39:03,839 Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks. 623 00:39:03,916 --> 00:39:05,747 Let me guess. 624 00:39:05,818 --> 00:39:08,343 - You're another angel? - Oh, I ain't no angel. 625 00:39:08,420 --> 00:39:11,253 I'm a man, just like you and him. Well, maybe not him. 626 00:39:11,323 --> 00:39:12,950 At least I was a man. 627 00:39:13,025 --> 00:39:16,153 Been dead nearly 2,000 years. Here, check this out. 628 00:39:17,296 --> 00:39:20,493 No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj. 629 00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:22,761 It's not a joint. 630 00:39:22,835 --> 00:39:25,133 I can't read this. 631 00:39:25,204 --> 00:39:30,301 It's Aramaic. It says, "Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus." 632 00:39:30,376 --> 00:39:33,504 Freaked me out because He basically told me when my number was up. 633 00:39:33,579 --> 00:39:36,412 Took all the flavor out of the remaining years. We gotta get moving. 634 00:39:36,482 --> 00:39:40,145 Let's say we continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit. Come on. 635 00:39:40,219 --> 00:39:42,779 I'm starvin'. Back off, Kato. 636 00:39:42,855 --> 00:39:44,117 Wait a second! 637 00:39:45,391 --> 00:39:47,916 Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky... 638 00:39:47,993 --> 00:39:50,052 and guys trying like hell to fuck me... 639 00:39:50,129 --> 00:39:53,121 I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far. 640 00:39:53,198 --> 00:39:56,634 But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where the hell you came from. 641 00:39:56,702 --> 00:39:58,636 Me? I came from Heaven. 642 00:39:58,704 --> 00:40:00,228 Now let's start walkin'. 643 00:40:00,306 --> 00:40:03,139 Walk? Fuck you! Do you know how far we are from anywheres? 644 00:40:03,208 --> 00:40:07,440 Hey, man, back in the old days with JC, we used to walk everywhere. 645 00:40:07,513 --> 00:40:09,777 Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? 646 00:40:14,386 --> 00:40:16,650 What the hell's an apostle? 647 00:40:40,379 --> 00:40:41,676 Let me get this straight. 648 00:40:41,747 --> 00:40:44,011 She's already met the prophets... 649 00:40:44,083 --> 00:40:46,210 and the apostle's with them? 650 00:40:49,154 --> 00:40:51,418 I think that our best course of action... 651 00:40:51,490 --> 00:40:55,017 is to ensure that our parcel is not found. 652 00:40:55,094 --> 00:40:59,690 And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a woman... 653 00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,961 well, I'm left with no choice... 654 00:41:04,036 --> 00:41:08,097 but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package. 655 00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,603 I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan. 656 00:41:16,715 --> 00:41:19,149 I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have that back. 657 00:41:19,218 --> 00:41:22,585 Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. 658 00:41:22,654 --> 00:41:25,122 - What do you call this shit? - Egga Mooby Muffin. 659 00:41:25,190 --> 00:41:28,353 Now, how 'bout you start explaining some things, like for starters... 660 00:41:28,427 --> 00:41:29,860 how did you know where to find us? 661 00:41:29,928 --> 00:41:32,192 Do you know what the dead do with most of their time? 662 00:41:32,264 --> 00:41:35,131 Watch the living. Especially in the shower. 663 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,827 I can't wait to die. 664 00:41:36,902 --> 00:41:38,733 And why are you watching me? 665 00:41:38,804 --> 00:41:41,398 Because you're the one who's gonna help me get some changes made... 666 00:41:41,473 --> 00:41:43,168 in that book you put so much stock in. 667 00:41:43,242 --> 00:41:45,574 - Hustler? - The Bible! 668 00:41:45,644 --> 00:41:48,977 - What's your beef with the Bible? - For starters, I'm not in it. 669 00:41:49,048 --> 00:41:51,642 Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitchin' and moanin'. 670 00:41:51,717 --> 00:41:55,175 But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the 13th Apostle. 671 00:41:56,722 --> 00:42:00,818 I've gone to church my whole life and never heard of Rufus, the 13th Apostle. 672 00:42:00,893 --> 00:42:03,657 But you heard of the other 12 Apostles. 673 00:42:03,729 --> 00:42:07,358 They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. 674 00:42:07,433 --> 00:42:09,958 And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man. 675 00:42:10,035 --> 00:42:12,094 But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. 676 00:42:12,171 --> 00:42:16,631 I'm mainly here to correct a major error you've been basing your faith on. 677 00:42:16,708 --> 00:42:20,269 - What's that? - Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black. 678 00:42:20,345 --> 00:42:21,505 I don't buy it. 679 00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:25,778 If that's true, why did He get written about and you were left out? 680 00:42:25,851 --> 00:42:28,081 Well, He is the Son of God. 681 00:42:28,153 --> 00:42:30,314 Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him. 682 00:42:30,389 --> 00:42:33,187 So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity. 683 00:42:33,258 --> 00:42:36,887 Leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got 12 white boys to choose from. 684 00:42:36,962 --> 00:42:40,591 - Are you gonna listen to this shit? - That's what people of Antioch said... 685 00:42:40,666 --> 00:42:42,497 right before they stoned my ass. 686 00:42:42,568 --> 00:42:43,728 You were martyred? 687 00:42:43,802 --> 00:42:45,736 That's one way of puttin' it. 688 00:42:45,804 --> 00:42:48,830 Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks. 689 00:42:48,907 --> 00:42:51,705 White folks only wanna hear the good shit-- 690 00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:54,075 life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. 691 00:42:54,146 --> 00:42:56,706 But as soon as you hear that you're gettin' this good shit... 692 00:42:56,782 --> 00:42:58,477 from a black Jesus, ya freak. 693 00:42:58,550 --> 00:43:00,814 And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. 694 00:43:00,886 --> 00:43:05,550 A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior. 695 00:43:05,624 --> 00:43:06,955 You gonna eat that hash brown? 696 00:43:08,060 --> 00:43:09,960 So, you went to Heaven? 697 00:43:10,028 --> 00:43:13,293 Damn right I went to Heaven! That's the least He could do. 698 00:43:13,365 --> 00:43:16,801 In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? 699 00:43:16,869 --> 00:43:20,032 Hell no. And I was in my prime. 700 00:43:20,105 --> 00:43:22,573 I could have been knee-deep in shepherds' daughters... 701 00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:25,235 not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. 702 00:43:25,310 --> 00:43:27,244 She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me. 703 00:43:27,312 --> 00:43:30,543 Maybe this is just me talking, but if I were in Heaven... 704 00:43:30,616 --> 00:43:33,551 I wouldn't care what the Bible said as long as they got the message right. 705 00:43:33,619 --> 00:43:35,746 The message is what counts. 706 00:43:35,821 --> 00:43:39,621 But folks who build their faith on that message should be colorblind. 707 00:43:39,691 --> 00:43:42,751 And all my rabble-rousing is not doing that much above. 708 00:43:42,828 --> 00:43:44,762 So I'm gonna need some help down here. 709 00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:48,561 That's why I'm gonna help you stop those angels from gettin' into that church... 710 00:43:48,634 --> 00:43:51,228 in exchange for you helping me with my campaign. 711 00:43:51,303 --> 00:43:54,067 How do you know about that, the angels? 712 00:43:54,139 --> 00:43:57,267 - Isn't much I don't know about you. - I find that hard to believe. 713 00:43:57,342 --> 00:44:01,642 When you were five, you let a kid from next door piss on your hand. 714 00:44:01,713 --> 00:44:05,114 You did that shit? You're nasty. 715 00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:07,709 I never told anybody about that. 716 00:44:07,786 --> 00:44:09,481 Neither did he. 717 00:44:09,555 --> 00:44:12,388 Two years later, that kid died of leukemia. 718 00:44:12,457 --> 00:44:15,153 His name was Brian Johnson. 719 00:44:15,227 --> 00:44:17,354 Your exploits, no matter how inane... 720 00:44:17,429 --> 00:44:19,488 are well documented in Heaven. 721 00:44:19,565 --> 00:44:21,396 Probably Hell too. 722 00:44:26,605 --> 00:44:28,232 Where are you going? 723 00:44:28,307 --> 00:44:30,138 Tell me somethin' about me. 724 00:44:30,209 --> 00:44:33,201 You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. 725 00:44:33,278 --> 00:44:36,145 Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. 726 00:44:36,215 --> 00:44:38,683 When you do it, you're thinking about guys. 727 00:44:42,020 --> 00:44:44,955 - Dude, not all the time. - Sorry if I scared you. 728 00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:51,996 Two-thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. 729 00:44:52,064 --> 00:44:54,692 Yesterday, I wasn't sure God even existed. 730 00:44:54,766 --> 00:44:58,258 Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology. 731 00:44:58,337 --> 00:45:02,205 Let me let you in on a little inside info. 732 00:45:02,274 --> 00:45:07,007 God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology." 733 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:12,676 Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets" what we should call it instead. 734 00:45:15,854 --> 00:45:18,448 Where did those two assholes go? 735 00:45:36,008 --> 00:45:38,033 What are you doing? 736 00:45:38,110 --> 00:45:40,135 Proving to this bastard I ain't gay. 737 00:45:40,212 --> 00:45:42,203 - What? - Long story. Forget it. 738 00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:44,613 We gotta get movin'. How can we get to Jersey? 739 00:45:44,683 --> 00:45:46,708 We'll take the train. I'll call for reservations. 740 00:46:43,542 --> 00:46:46,511 I thought she looked familiar. 741 00:46:46,578 --> 00:46:48,205 - Who? - Serendipity. 742 00:47:01,526 --> 00:47:02,618 Morning, shoppers. 743 00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:04,457 Good morning. 744 00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:07,798 - Has anyone seen the overnights? - No, sir. 745 00:47:09,134 --> 00:47:10,726 We creamed 'em. 746 00:47:13,405 --> 00:47:16,067 Last night was a rerun, which says to me-- 747 00:47:18,610 --> 00:47:20,544 Do I smell onions? 748 00:47:26,485 --> 00:47:28,350 Excuse me. 749 00:47:31,757 --> 00:47:34,248 May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom? 750 00:47:35,193 --> 00:47:38,128 You may proceed, mon ami. 751 00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:43,761 I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. 752 00:47:43,835 --> 00:47:46,770 My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic. 753 00:47:46,838 --> 00:47:48,430 Oh, come on! 754 00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:53,677 Relax. I'm doing it. 755 00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:57,971 Mooby, the Golden Calf. 756 00:47:58,049 --> 00:48:02,452 Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. 757 00:48:02,521 --> 00:48:05,285 Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. 758 00:48:05,357 --> 00:48:09,123 Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." 759 00:48:09,194 --> 00:48:13,688 Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films... 760 00:48:13,765 --> 00:48:17,758 16 records, 8 prime-time specials... 761 00:48:17,836 --> 00:48:22,432 and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. 762 00:48:22,507 --> 00:48:26,466 Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... 763 00:48:26,545 --> 00:48:29,105 dubbed "Mooby World." 764 00:48:29,181 --> 00:48:31,513 Did I miss anything? 765 00:48:31,583 --> 00:48:33,346 You forgot Mooby Magazine. 766 00:48:33,418 --> 00:48:34,851 Damn it! 767 00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:36,649 Is there a point to this? 768 00:48:36,721 --> 00:48:40,487 You and your board are idolaters. 769 00:48:42,527 --> 00:48:45,394 I can't believe you forgot the magazine. 770 00:48:47,532 --> 00:48:49,090 That's you. 771 00:48:50,335 --> 00:48:52,530 Do you know much about voodoo? 772 00:48:54,005 --> 00:48:57,304 That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. 773 00:48:57,375 --> 00:49:00,105 More an arrangement of superstitions... 774 00:49:00,178 --> 00:49:02,169 the most well-known of which... 775 00:49:02,247 --> 00:49:03,771 is the voodoo doll. 776 00:49:03,849 --> 00:49:05,316 You see... 777 00:49:13,658 --> 00:49:16,684 a mockup of an individual is subjected... 778 00:49:16,761 --> 00:49:18,888 to various pokes and prods. 779 00:49:18,964 --> 00:49:23,094 The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects. 780 00:49:23,168 --> 00:49:24,726 Call security, now! 781 00:49:29,274 --> 00:49:32,141 All lines are currently down. 782 00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:34,610 - I'm gonna have to apologize-- - Would you knock it off? 783 00:49:34,679 --> 00:49:37,147 You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? 784 00:49:38,283 --> 00:49:41,650 You are responsible for raising an icon... 785 00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:43,688 which draws worship from the Lord. 786 00:49:43,755 --> 00:49:46,053 You have broken the First Commandment. 787 00:49:46,124 --> 00:49:49,116 More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you... 788 00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:51,958 passes for a decent human being. 789 00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:56,467 Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. 790 00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:58,469 Like you, Mr.Burton. 791 00:49:58,537 --> 00:50:02,029 Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. 792 00:50:02,107 --> 00:50:04,337 You even had sex with her best friend... 793 00:50:04,409 --> 00:50:08,743 while you were supposed to be home watching the kids. 794 00:50:08,813 --> 00:50:12,305 In the bed that you and your wife share, no less. 795 00:50:12,384 --> 00:50:13,510 Mr.Newman. 796 00:50:13,585 --> 00:50:16,315 You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party... 797 00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:18,686 and then paid a kid from the mail room... 798 00:50:18,757 --> 00:50:21,282 to have sex with her while she was passed out... 799 00:50:21,359 --> 00:50:23,987 just so you could break up with her guilt-free... 800 00:50:24,062 --> 00:50:26,428 when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. 801 00:50:27,866 --> 00:50:30,699 She killed herself three months later. 802 00:50:30,769 --> 00:50:33,704 Mr.Brace disowned his gay son. 803 00:50:33,772 --> 00:50:35,706 Very compassionate. 804 00:50:35,774 --> 00:50:38,868 Mr.Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home... 805 00:50:38,944 --> 00:50:42,277 and used the profits from the sale of her home... 806 00:50:42,347 --> 00:50:46,181 to buy an Oriental rug for himself. 807 00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:47,946 Heavens. 808 00:50:48,019 --> 00:50:50,783 Mr.Barker flew to Thailand on the company account... 809 00:50:50,855 --> 00:50:54,518 to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy. 810 00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:57,653 Mr.Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls... 811 00:50:57,729 --> 00:51:00,493 from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe... 812 00:51:00,565 --> 00:51:02,965 because it was-- survey says-- 813 00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:06,301 less costly. 814 00:51:06,371 --> 00:51:09,363 You, on the other hand... 815 00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,705 are an innocent. 816 00:51:11,776 --> 00:51:13,641 You lead a good life. 817 00:51:13,712 --> 00:51:14,804 Good for you. 818 00:51:15,714 --> 00:51:18,774 But you, Mr.Whitland... 819 00:51:18,850 --> 00:51:20,818 you have more skeletons in your closet... 820 00:51:20,885 --> 00:51:22,819 than this assembled party. 821 00:51:22,887 --> 00:51:25,583 I cannot even mention them aloud. 822 00:51:29,427 --> 00:51:33,056 You're his father, you sick fuck! 823 00:51:36,134 --> 00:51:37,726 - Good. - Not bad, man. 824 00:51:37,802 --> 00:51:39,736 That's great work. Very good. 825 00:51:41,006 --> 00:51:42,598 Well... 826 00:51:43,775 --> 00:51:45,936 alone at last. 827 00:51:46,011 --> 00:51:48,536 With the exception of Miss Pryce here... 828 00:51:48,613 --> 00:51:52,413 there isn't a decent human being amongst you. 829 00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:54,247 Not one. 830 00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:57,914 Do you know what makes a human being decent? 831 00:51:57,989 --> 00:51:59,251 Fear. 832 00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:01,417 And therein lies the problem. 833 00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:04,428 None of you has anything left to fear anymore. 834 00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:07,954 You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power... 835 00:52:08,033 --> 00:52:11,264 hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment... 836 00:52:11,336 --> 00:52:14,601 lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. 837 00:52:16,341 --> 00:52:18,275 But not from God. 838 00:52:23,281 --> 00:52:25,374 Forgot my little voodoo doll. 839 00:52:27,485 --> 00:52:31,114 Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? 840 00:52:31,189 --> 00:52:34,955 Look, if I believed enough in this... 841 00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:36,618 I wonder-- 842 00:52:53,378 --> 00:52:56,142 Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. 843 00:53:00,852 --> 00:53:02,444 Voodoo. 844 00:53:09,828 --> 00:53:12,422 But I do believe in this. 845 00:53:12,497 --> 00:53:14,897 Don't run! Don't run! 846 00:53:14,966 --> 00:53:17,764 Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes! 847 00:53:20,238 --> 00:53:22,502 "But I do believe in this." 848 00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:24,007 What does that mean? 849 00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:25,542 And one to grow on. 850 00:53:31,616 --> 00:53:32,708 Gum? 851 00:53:34,052 --> 00:53:36,646 Go on. It's okay. 852 00:53:36,721 --> 00:53:38,780 You've done nothing wrong. 853 00:53:38,857 --> 00:53:41,951 These guys were fakes. 854 00:53:42,026 --> 00:53:44,358 You're a pure soul. 855 00:53:45,964 --> 00:53:48,558 But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed. 856 00:53:49,634 --> 00:53:51,067 Loki! 857 00:53:53,138 --> 00:53:54,571 You're getting off light. 858 00:53:54,639 --> 00:53:56,664 - Loki! - I know. I'm comin'. 859 00:54:00,678 --> 00:54:02,111 You're so lucky. 860 00:54:06,484 --> 00:54:09,351 I forgot you were down here. How long now? 861 00:54:09,420 --> 00:54:10,853 Three years this August. 862 00:54:10,922 --> 00:54:14,585 Let me guess-- the 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman? 863 00:54:14,659 --> 00:54:15,887 This girl's no woman. 864 00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:18,986 Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? 865 00:54:19,063 --> 00:54:20,792 What, these? 866 00:54:20,865 --> 00:54:25,063 You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman. 867 00:54:25,136 --> 00:54:27,536 Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits. 868 00:54:27,605 --> 00:54:31,132 What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things-- 869 00:54:31,209 --> 00:54:32,904 her legs. 870 00:54:32,977 --> 00:54:35,411 But as you can see... 871 00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,243 I lack definition. 872 00:54:37,315 --> 00:54:41,046 Hey, they're gettin' a free show! Let me see that shit! 873 00:54:41,119 --> 00:54:44,145 Oh, God, another angel like Metatron. 874 00:54:44,222 --> 00:54:46,884 How do you-- How does she know Metatron? 875 00:54:46,958 --> 00:54:48,949 This is the last scion. 876 00:54:49,861 --> 00:54:52,625 You're kidding. 877 00:54:52,697 --> 00:54:54,358 Wow. 878 00:54:54,432 --> 00:54:55,456 I'm confused. 879 00:54:55,533 --> 00:54:59,629 Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. 880 00:54:59,704 --> 00:55:03,401 Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are. 881 00:55:03,474 --> 00:55:07,240 - I used to be an abstract. - Now I'm really confused. 882 00:55:07,312 --> 00:55:08,870 I'm a muse, stupid. 883 00:55:09,948 --> 00:55:12,542 I can't take much more of this. 884 00:55:12,617 --> 00:55:14,312 So you, what, inspire people? 885 00:55:14,385 --> 00:55:17,115 What just went down with your friends over there-- 886 00:55:17,188 --> 00:55:20,089 It doesn't really take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets. 887 00:55:20,158 --> 00:55:22,149 I used to specialize in entertainment. 888 00:55:22,227 --> 00:55:27,722 For example, I'm responsible for 19 of the 20 top-grossing films of all time. 889 00:55:27,799 --> 00:55:30,393 - Nineteen? - Yeah. 890 00:55:30,468 --> 00:55:33,403 The one about the kid by himself in his house... 891 00:55:33,471 --> 00:55:36,497 burglars trying to come in and he fights them off-- 892 00:55:36,574 --> 00:55:38,838 I had nothing to do with that one. 893 00:55:38,910 --> 00:55:43,244 Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit. 894 00:56:01,566 --> 00:56:03,966 What are you doing stripping? 895 00:56:04,035 --> 00:56:05,468 Remember why I left? 896 00:56:05,536 --> 00:56:08,972 Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas. 897 00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:12,203 So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. 898 00:56:12,277 --> 00:56:16,179 I gave my two weeks notice, got a body, 50 bucks... 899 00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:19,307 and got sent out into the world to make my fortune. 900 00:56:19,384 --> 00:56:20,942 So what happened? 901 00:56:22,186 --> 00:56:23,778 Writer's block. 902 00:56:23,855 --> 00:56:26,722 Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. 903 00:56:26,791 --> 00:56:30,818 I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second... 904 00:56:30,895 --> 00:56:32,829 but I can't keep any for myself. 905 00:56:34,432 --> 00:56:36,832 Her quirky sense of humor. 906 00:56:36,901 --> 00:56:39,165 - Whose? - God's. 907 00:56:39,237 --> 00:56:42,172 - You're saying God's a woman? - Was there ever a doubt in your mind? 908 00:56:42,240 --> 00:56:44,037 He's always referred to as "Him." 909 00:56:44,108 --> 00:56:45,939 That's not how I wrote it. 910 00:56:46,010 --> 00:56:47,944 But one of the drawbacks to being intangible... 911 00:56:48,012 --> 00:56:50,742 is that you have no say in the editorial process. 912 00:56:50,815 --> 00:56:53,875 The people that held the pens added their own perspective... 913 00:56:53,952 --> 00:56:56,477 and all the penholders were men. 914 00:56:56,554 --> 00:57:00,490 So She became a He. Doesn't stop with God either. 915 00:57:00,558 --> 00:57:02,617 The whole book's gender-biased. 916 00:57:02,694 --> 00:57:04,924 A woman's responsible for original sin. 917 00:57:04,996 --> 00:57:07,191 A woman cuts Samson coif of power. 918 00:57:07,265 --> 00:57:10,666 A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. 919 00:57:10,735 --> 00:57:12,202 Read that book again. 920 00:57:12,270 --> 00:57:15,398 Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. 921 00:57:15,473 --> 00:57:16,735 It stinks. 922 00:57:23,114 --> 00:57:24,877 Why is the last scion here? 923 00:57:24,949 --> 00:57:27,918 Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back. 924 00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:31,183 - Not the plenary indulgence loophole. - You know about that? 925 00:57:31,255 --> 00:57:34,190 I always knew that thing was a bad idea. 926 00:57:34,258 --> 00:57:36,192 Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. 927 00:57:36,260 --> 00:57:38,785 You have issues with Catholicism, I take it? 928 00:57:38,863 --> 00:57:42,424 I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing... 929 00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:43,865 like some Catholics. 930 00:57:43,935 --> 00:57:46,904 You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it. 931 00:57:46,971 --> 00:57:51,203 - If we're wrong, what religion is right? - It's not about who's right or wrong. 932 00:57:51,275 --> 00:57:53,209 No denomination's nailed it yet... 933 00:57:53,277 --> 00:57:55,905 because they're all too self-righteous to realize... 934 00:57:55,980 --> 00:58:00,917 that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. 935 00:58:00,985 --> 00:58:05,422 Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up. 936 00:58:07,825 --> 00:58:10,385 They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang. 937 00:58:16,300 --> 00:58:18,234 Who fuckin' farted? 938 00:58:19,737 --> 00:58:22,968 Not born. Shit into existence. 939 00:58:26,411 --> 00:58:29,244 Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad! 940 00:58:29,313 --> 00:58:31,804 - What is that thing? - An excremental. 941 00:58:31,883 --> 00:58:34,147 - The Golgothan. - A what? 942 00:58:34,218 --> 00:58:35,617 A shit demon! 943 00:58:35,686 --> 00:58:39,349 No man of woman born! 944 00:58:40,124 --> 00:58:43,287 - Friend of yours? - Is this smelly fuck with us? 945 00:58:43,361 --> 00:58:44,988 It came for Bethany! 946 00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:47,998 Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang! 947 00:58:48,066 --> 00:58:50,534 I knew I was gonna whack somebody today! 948 00:58:50,601 --> 00:58:52,535 Get your fuckin' hand back. 949 00:58:52,603 --> 00:58:53,831 Represent! 950 00:58:55,206 --> 00:58:57,640 Go! Go! Go! 951 00:59:18,963 --> 00:59:21,397 Looks like we're in charge of the gang now. 952 00:59:22,767 --> 00:59:24,291 Over the bar! 953 00:59:33,778 --> 00:59:37,214 - Where did that thing come from? - Ever heard of Golgotha? 954 00:59:37,281 --> 00:59:39,306 The hill where Christ was crucified. 955 00:59:39,383 --> 00:59:42,147 It wasn't just Christ. The Romans crucified everyone there. 956 00:59:42,220 --> 00:59:45,747 Christ excluded, they were criminals-- killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. 957 00:59:45,823 --> 00:59:48,951 Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies lost muscle control... 958 00:59:49,026 --> 00:59:51,551 spilling bowel and bladder in the process... 959 00:59:51,629 --> 00:59:54,496 the result of which is that walking pile of crap-- 960 00:59:54,565 --> 00:59:57,659 the Golgothan shit demon, Hell's chief assassin. 961 00:59:57,735 --> 00:59:59,532 It's here for you, girlie. 962 01:00:04,108 --> 01:00:06,338 - Bob, get down! - Matches! Matches! 963 01:00:39,210 --> 01:00:41,474 - Hey, man. - How? 964 01:00:43,581 --> 01:00:45,242 "Knocks strong odors out." 965 01:00:45,316 --> 01:00:48,251 - Way to go, biggie. - Why would you ever carry this? 966 01:00:50,354 --> 01:00:52,049 What? 967 01:00:52,123 --> 01:00:54,057 Whoever sent this might send more. 968 01:00:54,125 --> 01:00:58,084 I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible. 969 01:00:58,162 --> 01:01:00,722 I'll try to get something out of poopy boy here. 970 01:01:00,798 --> 01:01:03,562 If he tells me something, I'll let you know. 971 01:01:04,869 --> 01:01:07,167 Hello. We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please. 972 01:01:07,238 --> 01:01:08,933 Jersey's sold out, sir. 973 01:01:09,006 --> 01:01:11,600 - What? - There's one at the same time tomorrow. 974 01:01:11,676 --> 01:01:15,612 Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State. 975 01:01:15,680 --> 01:01:18,012 Show up two hours in advance. 976 01:01:20,284 --> 01:01:21,717 Nice. 977 01:01:21,786 --> 01:01:24,721 Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating... 978 01:01:24,789 --> 01:01:28,919 what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus. 979 01:01:28,993 --> 01:01:30,654 Bus, schmuss. 980 01:01:30,728 --> 01:01:35,324 Why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above? 981 01:01:35,399 --> 01:01:37,833 - You mean fly? - We got wings, right? 982 01:01:37,902 --> 01:01:39,494 Fuck, let's use 'em! 983 01:01:39,570 --> 01:01:42,004 I wouldn't suggest that. 984 01:01:43,407 --> 01:01:45,238 You see, kids... 985 01:01:45,309 --> 01:01:48,745 you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you? 986 01:01:54,385 --> 01:01:56,478 How'd you get out of Hell? 987 01:01:56,554 --> 01:01:58,818 I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. 988 01:01:58,889 --> 01:02:02,120 I don't have much time. If they figure out my ruse, they'll come after me. 989 01:02:02,193 --> 01:02:05,924 - What's with bringing us in here? - You two are inches from getting caught. 990 01:02:05,997 --> 01:02:09,489 Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings. 991 01:02:09,567 --> 01:02:11,501 Don't you know what's going on? 992 01:02:11,569 --> 01:02:13,503 Well, we're going home. 993 01:02:13,571 --> 01:02:18,031 Really. Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven? 994 01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:20,669 - Why not? - Everybody is looking for you. 995 01:02:20,745 --> 01:02:23,680 Both sides. Above and below. 996 01:02:23,748 --> 01:02:26,046 Orders are to terminate you on sight. 997 01:02:26,117 --> 01:02:27,516 - Really? - Why? 998 01:02:27,585 --> 01:02:29,746 Because you're pissing people off, that's why. 999 01:02:31,088 --> 01:02:33,750 Word is that God's pissed off at your presumption... 1000 01:02:33,824 --> 01:02:37,089 and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad... 1001 01:02:37,161 --> 01:02:39,095 by succeeding where he's failed so many times. 1002 01:02:39,163 --> 01:02:42,257 - So they're just gonna kill us? - They're gonna try. 1003 01:02:42,333 --> 01:02:45,268 That's why you have to travel incognito. 1004 01:02:45,336 --> 01:02:48,396 Tone down your behavior. Stay off their respective radars. 1005 01:02:48,472 --> 01:02:50,406 Quit killing people. That's high profile. 1006 01:02:50,474 --> 01:02:53,375 - Oh, lighten up. - I can't believe they wanna kill us. 1007 01:02:53,444 --> 01:02:55,378 Oh, believe it, boys. 1008 01:02:56,614 --> 01:02:58,878 They've even got the last scion looking for you. 1009 01:02:58,949 --> 01:03:00,712 - Really? - You're kidding. 1010 01:03:00,785 --> 01:03:03,777 This is huge. Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides. 1011 01:03:03,854 --> 01:03:05,788 They'll stop at nothing to prevent it. 1012 01:03:05,856 --> 01:03:09,121 In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. 1013 01:03:09,193 --> 01:03:11,252 If anything else comes up, I'll contact you. 1014 01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:14,526 Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend. 1015 01:03:14,598 --> 01:03:17,533 I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious. 1016 01:03:17,601 --> 01:03:21,264 And remember, incognito. 1017 01:03:25,676 --> 01:03:28,304 How you coping, kid? 1018 01:03:28,379 --> 01:03:30,074 It's weird. 1019 01:03:30,147 --> 01:03:32,741 Just when I think I have a handle on things... 1020 01:03:32,817 --> 01:03:36,082 something wholly unbelievable presents itself. 1021 01:03:36,153 --> 01:03:38,713 Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home. 1022 01:03:38,789 --> 01:03:41,451 You sound like the Man. 1023 01:03:41,525 --> 01:03:42,924 What's he like? 1024 01:03:42,993 --> 01:03:45,553 He likes to listen to people talk. 1025 01:03:45,629 --> 01:03:49,065 Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys. 1026 01:03:49,133 --> 01:03:51,499 Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit... 1027 01:03:51,569 --> 01:03:53,764 he always had a smile on his face. 1028 01:03:53,838 --> 01:03:55,897 His only real beef with mankind... 1029 01:03:55,973 --> 01:03:59,238 is the shit that gets carried out in His name. 1030 01:03:59,310 --> 01:04:02,711 Wars, bigotry, televangelism. 1031 01:04:02,780 --> 01:04:06,443 The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions. 1032 01:04:06,517 --> 01:04:08,451 He said mankind got it all wrong... 1033 01:04:08,519 --> 01:04:12,011 by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it. 1034 01:04:12,089 --> 01:04:14,751 You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing? 1035 01:04:14,825 --> 01:04:16,918 I just think it's better to have ideas. 1036 01:04:16,994 --> 01:04:20,122 You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. 1037 01:04:20,197 --> 01:04:22,688 People die for it. People kill for it. 1038 01:04:22,767 --> 01:04:25,201 The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now... 1039 01:04:25,269 --> 01:04:30,434 because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence shit. 1040 01:04:30,508 --> 01:04:32,772 Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not... 1041 01:04:32,843 --> 01:04:34,777 are exploiting that belief... 1042 01:04:34,845 --> 01:04:36,312 and if they're successful... 1043 01:04:36,380 --> 01:04:40,578 you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. 1044 01:04:40,651 --> 01:04:42,642 All over a belief. 1045 01:04:44,889 --> 01:04:48,848 I haven't seen the moron twins in a while. How about you? 1046 01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:52,020 One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling... 1047 01:04:52,096 --> 01:04:55,429 and he went flying through the air, fuckin' crashed through the wall. 1048 01:04:55,499 --> 01:04:56,932 It was fucked up. 1049 01:04:57,001 --> 01:04:59,936 You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you? 1050 01:05:00,004 --> 01:05:03,269 We're just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers... 1051 01:05:03,340 --> 01:05:06,571 who just got on at the last stop-- Larry and Barry. 1052 01:05:08,179 --> 01:05:10,739 So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him. 1053 01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:17,887 Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff. 1054 01:05:19,256 --> 01:05:20,689 Oh, fuck. 1055 01:05:24,261 --> 01:05:26,695 That's some bad shit, dude. 1056 01:05:26,764 --> 01:05:28,698 You hit that? 1057 01:05:31,101 --> 01:05:33,035 Yeah, you're bad, dude. 1058 01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:37,707 Bad shit. 1059 01:05:38,709 --> 01:05:41,200 Why are you heading to New Jersey? 1060 01:05:41,278 --> 01:05:44,714 It's just this thing I have to do. 1061 01:05:44,782 --> 01:05:46,272 We're going home. 1062 01:05:46,350 --> 01:05:49,114 Oh. Do you two live together? 1063 01:05:49,186 --> 01:05:51,051 Unfortunately, yes. 1064 01:05:53,691 --> 01:05:56,455 So, how long have you two been together? 1065 01:05:57,728 --> 01:05:59,559 A while. 1066 01:05:59,630 --> 01:06:03,361 He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common. 1067 01:06:03,434 --> 01:06:05,026 How'd you meet? 1068 01:06:05,102 --> 01:06:06,694 We were stationed together. 1069 01:06:06,770 --> 01:06:09,136 See, that's beautiful. 1070 01:06:09,206 --> 01:06:13,074 Everybody's always up in arms about this "out in the military" issue. 1071 01:06:14,178 --> 01:06:15,270 Pardon? 1072 01:06:15,346 --> 01:06:19,646 You know, there's all the macho bullshit about it being "this man's army." 1073 01:06:19,717 --> 01:06:21,981 You two meet there, hook up-- 1074 01:06:22,953 --> 01:06:26,116 You think we're lovers? No, no. We're not gay. 1075 01:06:26,190 --> 01:06:28,624 Oh, God. I'm sorry. 1076 01:06:28,692 --> 01:06:31,820 - I just assumed. - Do I come off as gay? 1077 01:06:34,632 --> 01:06:37,829 My ex-husband sort of screwed up my relationship awareness barometer. 1078 01:06:37,902 --> 01:06:40,462 - You're divorced. - That's a nice way of putting it. 1079 01:06:40,538 --> 01:06:42,130 I call it being dumped. 1080 01:06:42,206 --> 01:06:44,197 I was... 1081 01:06:44,275 --> 01:06:45,936 dumped once. 1082 01:06:46,010 --> 01:06:48,945 Don't you just constantly question your value? 1083 01:06:49,013 --> 01:06:51,641 Like, why was I so easy to cast aside? 1084 01:06:51,715 --> 01:06:55,310 And you wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses... 1085 01:06:55,386 --> 01:06:56,819 and call you back. 1086 01:06:56,887 --> 01:07:00,345 They always tell you it'll hurt less with time. 1087 01:07:00,424 --> 01:07:02,517 When actually... 1088 01:07:02,593 --> 01:07:04,288 it hurts more. 1089 01:07:07,698 --> 01:07:09,928 You know what we need? 1090 01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:11,831 What do we need? 1091 01:07:11,902 --> 01:07:13,426 We need drinks. 1092 01:07:15,072 --> 01:07:16,972 We need a lot of drinks. 1093 01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,510 Garcon. 1094 01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:28,942 You still go to church? 1095 01:07:29,019 --> 01:07:31,180 Every Sunday. 1096 01:07:31,255 --> 01:07:33,655 Does it do anything for you? 1097 01:07:33,724 --> 01:07:36,887 It gives me time to balance my checkbook every week. 1098 01:07:36,961 --> 01:07:41,022 That's what I'm saying. People don't go to church to feel spiritual anymore. 1099 01:07:41,098 --> 01:07:43,362 They go to church and feel bored... 1100 01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:46,835 but they keep going every week just out of habit. 1101 01:07:46,904 --> 01:07:49,202 I am so buzzed. 1102 01:07:50,808 --> 01:07:53,743 When do you think you lost your faith? 1103 01:07:53,811 --> 01:07:56,041 I remember the exact moment. 1104 01:07:58,682 --> 01:08:02,413 I was on the phone with my mother... 1105 01:08:02,486 --> 01:08:06,445 and she was trying to counsel me through this-- 1106 01:08:07,591 --> 01:08:09,024 this thing. 1107 01:08:11,128 --> 01:08:15,565 And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better... 1108 01:08:15,633 --> 01:08:17,567 she said... 1109 01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:19,535 "Bethany... 1110 01:08:19,603 --> 01:08:21,537 God has a plan." 1111 01:08:24,942 --> 01:08:28,639 I was-- I was so angry with her. 1112 01:08:30,748 --> 01:08:32,340 I was like... 1113 01:08:32,416 --> 01:08:34,350 "What about my plans?" 1114 01:08:34,418 --> 01:08:36,283 - You know? - Mm-hmm. 1115 01:08:36,353 --> 01:08:39,379 I had planned to have a family... 1116 01:08:39,456 --> 01:08:41,117 with my husband. 1117 01:08:41,191 --> 01:08:44,126 Wasn't that plan good enough for God? 1118 01:08:48,032 --> 01:08:49,966 Apparently not. 1119 01:08:53,270 --> 01:08:57,263 How about you? How'd you lose your faith? 1120 01:08:58,442 --> 01:09:00,672 A long time ago. 1121 01:09:00,744 --> 01:09:04,236 One day God just stopped listening. 1122 01:09:04,314 --> 01:09:08,876 I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression He wasn't listening anymore. 1123 01:09:08,952 --> 01:09:12,444 How did you know She was listening in the first place? 1124 01:09:15,292 --> 01:09:17,226 Well, I guess I don't. 1125 01:09:17,294 --> 01:09:19,524 I hate thoughts like that. 1126 01:09:20,664 --> 01:09:23,724 But, you know, they come to you with age. 1127 01:09:23,801 --> 01:09:28,170 'Cause when you're a kid you never question the whole faith thing. 1128 01:09:29,707 --> 01:09:32,471 God's in Heaven, and He's-- 1129 01:09:32,543 --> 01:09:35,979 She's always got her eye on you. 1130 01:09:40,484 --> 01:09:43,419 I'd give anything to feel that way again. 1131 01:09:48,525 --> 01:09:51,756 Guess that's why I got talked into this pilgrimage. 1132 01:09:59,937 --> 01:10:02,167 Where is this pilgrimage to? 1133 01:10:02,239 --> 01:10:05,436 - You wouldn't believe me if I told you. - Try me. 1134 01:10:05,509 --> 01:10:07,841 All right, but I warned you. 1135 01:10:07,911 --> 01:10:09,606 Okay. 1136 01:10:09,680 --> 01:10:13,275 I'm going to this church in New Jersey. 1137 01:10:13,350 --> 01:10:15,147 Really. 1138 01:10:15,219 --> 01:10:19,656 Kerwood Mandel to car three. Kerwood Mandel to car three. 1139 01:10:19,723 --> 01:10:23,181 See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels... 1140 01:10:23,260 --> 01:10:25,194 from going into the church. 1141 01:10:27,097 --> 01:10:28,962 They're trying-- 1142 01:10:29,032 --> 01:10:30,465 Shit. 1143 01:10:32,269 --> 01:10:34,703 They're trying to get back into Heaven. 1144 01:10:38,075 --> 01:10:40,669 See, they got tossed out of Heaven... 1145 01:10:40,744 --> 01:10:42,211 years ago, right? 1146 01:10:43,280 --> 01:10:45,475 And if they get back in... 1147 01:10:45,549 --> 01:10:47,414 it proves God wrong... 1148 01:10:47,484 --> 01:10:50,647 and since God is infallible... 1149 01:10:50,721 --> 01:10:52,484 to prove Her wrong... 1150 01:10:52,556 --> 01:10:55,821 would, you know, unmake existence. 1151 01:10:57,594 --> 01:10:59,721 May I have your attention, please. 1152 01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:04,063 The dining car will be closing in five minutes. Thank you. 1153 01:11:04,134 --> 01:11:06,762 I feel so stupid... 1154 01:11:06,837 --> 01:11:08,771 just saying it. 1155 01:11:10,240 --> 01:11:12,572 The thing I don't get is... 1156 01:11:12,643 --> 01:11:15,339 how am I supposed to stop an angel? 1157 01:11:15,412 --> 01:11:16,845 Two, even! 1158 01:11:21,985 --> 01:11:25,352 I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something. 1159 01:11:25,422 --> 01:11:27,549 Maybe you're supposed to kill them. 1160 01:11:27,624 --> 01:11:30,821 Oh, yeah, right. Kill them. 1161 01:11:32,162 --> 01:11:36,656 I mean, even if that were the case, which it's not... 1162 01:11:37,901 --> 01:11:40,927 how do you kill an angel, Barry? 1163 01:11:41,705 --> 01:11:43,730 Oh... 1164 01:11:43,807 --> 01:11:45,707 I don't suppose it's much different from... 1165 01:11:46,777 --> 01:11:48,210 killing a human. 1166 01:11:49,646 --> 01:11:52,240 Where is everybody? I wake up and-- 1167 01:11:54,184 --> 01:11:56,118 - The apostle. - Holy shit! 1168 01:11:56,186 --> 01:11:59,212 Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry. 1169 01:12:02,559 --> 01:12:04,550 Don't be such a show-off, Barry. 1170 01:12:04,628 --> 01:12:07,392 Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go. 1171 01:12:07,464 --> 01:12:09,728 - We can talk about this. - Bartleby? 1172 01:12:09,800 --> 01:12:13,395 After all this time, it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet? 1173 01:12:13,470 --> 01:12:16,371 Get your fucking hands off me, you dickless son of a bitch! 1174 01:12:16,440 --> 01:12:19,341 Save it. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off. 1175 01:12:19,409 --> 01:12:20,341 Loki! 1176 01:12:21,411 --> 01:12:22,673 Holy shit. The apostle. 1177 01:12:22,746 --> 01:12:24,839 I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear. 1178 01:12:24,915 --> 01:12:26,906 What are you doing here? 1179 01:12:26,984 --> 01:12:28,918 This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church. 1180 01:12:28,986 --> 01:12:30,920 - Us? - No, two other fucking angels. 1181 01:12:30,988 --> 01:12:34,651 I'd say there's a pretty good chance. Rufus, we're to be liquidated? 1182 01:12:34,725 --> 01:12:37,523 You haven't thought about the consequences of your reentry. 1183 01:12:37,594 --> 01:12:39,289 Consequences, schmonsequences. 1184 01:12:39,363 --> 01:12:42,298 We're going home, no matter whose pride it may hurt. 1185 01:12:42,366 --> 01:12:44,857 - It's not a matter of pride! - Loki, kill the girl. 1186 01:12:44,935 --> 01:12:47,631 What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything. 1187 01:12:47,704 --> 01:12:49,137 Fine. I'll kill her myself. 1188 01:12:49,206 --> 01:12:51,538 I fall asleep and everyone takes off? 1189 01:12:51,608 --> 01:12:54,168 - These guys are fuckin' flat-leavers. - Shut his mouth. 1190 01:13:04,221 --> 01:13:05,813 Oh, shit! 1191 01:13:07,257 --> 01:13:08,724 Jay! 1192 01:13:09,893 --> 01:13:11,121 Biggie! 1193 01:13:11,194 --> 01:13:13,662 The door! The door! 1194 01:13:17,467 --> 01:13:19,731 Can't we talk about this? 1195 01:13:25,208 --> 01:13:28,200 Why don't I just get off at the next stop! 1196 01:14:08,185 --> 01:14:09,618 No ticket. 1197 01:14:12,923 --> 01:14:15,619 - The apostle is here. - I noticed. 1198 01:14:15,692 --> 01:14:19,184 - Then you know who she was, don't you? - The scion, I imagine! 1199 01:14:20,063 --> 01:14:22,088 Maybe we should rethink this whole thing. 1200 01:14:22,165 --> 01:14:25,362 I mean, you heard the guy. He said there are consequences. 1201 01:14:25,435 --> 01:14:29,394 And Azrael tells us we're marked? There's more to this than we thought of. 1202 01:14:29,473 --> 01:14:31,498 I was close. 1203 01:14:31,575 --> 01:14:34,738 You know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat. 1204 01:14:34,811 --> 01:14:35,903 Whoa. 1205 01:14:35,979 --> 01:14:39,244 You know how I felt? Righteous. 1206 01:14:39,316 --> 01:14:40,908 Justified. Eager, even. 1207 01:14:40,984 --> 01:14:43,043 You all right? Your eyes are kinda-- 1208 01:14:43,120 --> 01:14:45,247 My eyes are open. 1209 01:14:45,322 --> 01:14:47,256 For the first time I get it. 1210 01:14:47,324 --> 01:14:51,124 When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. 1211 01:14:51,194 --> 01:14:54,960 See, in the beginning it was just us and Him-- angels and God. 1212 01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:56,795 Then He created humans. 1213 01:14:56,867 --> 01:14:59,893 Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... 1214 01:14:59,970 --> 01:15:03,235 and bowing and scraping and adoration. 1215 01:15:03,306 --> 01:15:07,743 He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. 1216 01:15:07,811 --> 01:15:11,110 They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore Him. 1217 01:15:11,181 --> 01:15:13,115 All this time we've been down here... 1218 01:15:13,183 --> 01:15:15,777 I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence... 1219 01:15:15,852 --> 01:15:19,151 and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. 1220 01:15:19,222 --> 01:15:23,181 And why? Because of the way He made us. 1221 01:15:23,260 --> 01:15:26,593 Had we been given free will we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. 1222 01:15:26,663 --> 01:15:28,460 But no, we're servants. 1223 01:15:28,532 --> 01:15:30,557 Okay. 1224 01:15:30,634 --> 01:15:34,161 All I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap. 1225 01:15:34,237 --> 01:15:38,139 Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. 1226 01:15:38,208 --> 01:15:40,142 They were given paradise; they threw it away. 1227 01:15:40,210 --> 01:15:42,644 They were given this planet; they destroyed it. 1228 01:15:42,712 --> 01:15:45,272 They were favored best among all His endeavors... 1229 01:15:45,348 --> 01:15:48,681 and some of them don't even believe He exists! 1230 01:15:48,752 --> 01:15:50,845 And in spite of it all... 1231 01:15:50,921 --> 01:15:54,652 He has shown them infinite fucking patience... 1232 01:15:54,724 --> 01:15:56,521 at every turn. 1233 01:15:56,593 --> 01:15:58,117 What about us? 1234 01:15:59,296 --> 01:16:02,231 I asked you once... 1235 01:16:02,299 --> 01:16:05,234 to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. 1236 01:16:05,302 --> 01:16:07,133 What was the result? 1237 01:16:07,204 --> 01:16:09,468 Our expulsion from paradise. 1238 01:16:09,539 --> 01:16:12,133 Where was His infinite fucking patience then? 1239 01:16:12,209 --> 01:16:15,042 It's not right! It's not fair! 1240 01:16:15,112 --> 01:16:17,046 We've paid our debt! 1241 01:16:18,515 --> 01:16:21,279 Don't you think it's time? 1242 01:16:21,351 --> 01:16:24,218 Don't you think it's time we went home? 1243 01:16:25,922 --> 01:16:30,882 And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers. 1244 01:16:30,961 --> 01:16:33,657 Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them? 1245 01:16:34,764 --> 01:16:37,494 You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. 1246 01:16:37,567 --> 01:16:40,502 And what about Jay and Bob? Those guys were all right. 1247 01:16:40,570 --> 01:16:42,128 Don't. Don't, my friend. 1248 01:16:42,205 --> 01:16:45,834 Don't let your sympathies get the best of you. 1249 01:16:45,909 --> 01:16:47,399 They did me once. 1250 01:16:47,477 --> 01:16:49,377 Scion or not... 1251 01:16:49,446 --> 01:16:50,879 she's just a human... 1252 01:16:50,947 --> 01:16:54,110 and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven. 1253 01:16:54,184 --> 01:16:56,175 No harm, no foul. 1254 01:16:57,354 --> 01:17:00,289 My God. I've heard a rant like this before. 1255 01:17:01,825 --> 01:17:03,190 What did you say? 1256 01:17:03,260 --> 01:17:06,354 - I've heard a rant like this before. - Don't you do that to me. 1257 01:17:06,429 --> 01:17:09,455 - You sound like the morning star. - You shut your fucking face! 1258 01:17:09,533 --> 01:17:12,627 You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! 1259 01:17:12,702 --> 01:17:15,296 You're not talking about going home, Bartleby. 1260 01:17:15,372 --> 01:17:17,932 You're talking about fucking war on God. 1261 01:17:19,342 --> 01:17:20,934 Well, fuck that. 1262 01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:25,380 I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne. 1263 01:17:26,383 --> 01:17:28,476 I'm going back to Wisconsin. 1264 01:17:29,519 --> 01:17:31,749 We're going home, Loki... 1265 01:17:31,821 --> 01:17:35,882 and no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself... 1266 01:17:35,959 --> 01:17:37,893 is gonna make that otherwise. 1267 01:17:44,401 --> 01:17:45,834 Shit. 1268 01:17:47,037 --> 01:17:50,666 Why couldn't we stay on the train? You threw those guys off. 1269 01:17:50,740 --> 01:17:52,469 Very basic strategy. 1270 01:17:52,542 --> 01:17:55,978 If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there. 1271 01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:57,172 Why are we enemies? 1272 01:17:57,247 --> 01:18:00,614 Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy. 1273 01:18:00,684 --> 01:18:04,085 What does that mean? Since when am I supposed to kill anybody? 1274 01:18:04,154 --> 01:18:07,817 I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit. 1275 01:18:07,891 --> 01:18:10,451 I'm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus... 1276 01:18:10,527 --> 01:18:13,792 and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence... 1277 01:18:13,863 --> 01:18:16,263 unless you come clean right now. 1278 01:18:16,333 --> 01:18:18,426 Why me? 1279 01:18:18,501 --> 01:18:21,993 Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped? 1280 01:18:22,072 --> 01:18:25,007 Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy. 1281 01:18:26,243 --> 01:18:30,270 You're told you're God's only son, but more than that, you're God. 1282 01:18:30,347 --> 01:18:33,942 How long do you think it would take to come to grips with something that huge? 1283 01:18:34,017 --> 01:18:36,679 Maybe, say, 18 years? 1284 01:18:36,753 --> 01:18:41,850 In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age 12 to 30. 12 to 30. 1285 01:18:41,925 --> 01:18:44,155 Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling. 1286 01:18:44,227 --> 01:18:47,162 Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 18 years? 1287 01:18:47,230 --> 01:18:48,561 I'll tell you where. 1288 01:18:48,632 --> 01:18:53,365 They were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics. 1289 01:18:53,436 --> 01:18:56,462 You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy... 1290 01:18:56,539 --> 01:18:59,303 to cover up "the truth about Christ." 1291 01:19:01,645 --> 01:19:03,078 Oh, bullshit. 1292 01:19:03,146 --> 01:19:05,137 Any important material about Christ... 1293 01:19:05,215 --> 01:19:07,809 would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. 1294 01:19:07,884 --> 01:19:11,911 - Why would they leave any of it out? - Because it's tied in with His family. 1295 01:19:11,988 --> 01:19:15,014 - His mother and father. - His brothers and sisters. 1296 01:19:15,091 --> 01:19:19,357 Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin. 1297 01:19:19,429 --> 01:19:23,798 Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch. This is true. 1298 01:19:23,867 --> 01:19:25,801 But she did have a husband. 1299 01:19:25,869 --> 01:19:29,566 Do you really think he would've stayed married to her for all those years... 1300 01:19:29,639 --> 01:19:31,231 if he wasn't gettin' laid? 1301 01:19:31,308 --> 01:19:34,744 The nature of God and the Virgin Birth, those are leaps of faith. 1302 01:19:34,811 --> 01:19:39,077 But to believe a married couple never got down, that's just plain gullibility. 1303 01:19:39,149 --> 01:19:40,275 Meaning? 1304 01:19:40,350 --> 01:19:42,284 The blood that flows through your veins... 1305 01:19:42,352 --> 01:19:45,048 shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level... 1306 01:19:45,121 --> 01:19:46,884 with the one you call Jesus. 1307 01:19:47,957 --> 01:19:49,857 Bethany, you are... 1308 01:19:49,926 --> 01:19:54,954 the great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-grandniece... 1309 01:19:55,031 --> 01:19:56,965 of Jesus Christ. 1310 01:20:00,837 --> 01:20:04,864 So, that would make Bethany part black? 1311 01:20:09,579 --> 01:20:11,513 I can't do this anymore. 1312 01:20:16,653 --> 01:20:19,952 Where you gonna go? You know what I'm saying is right. 1313 01:20:20,023 --> 01:20:21,820 - It's bullshit. - Bethany. 1314 01:20:21,891 --> 01:20:23,483 It's bullshit! 1315 01:20:27,163 --> 01:20:29,529 Let her go, man. 1316 01:20:29,599 --> 01:20:31,089 Give her time. 1317 01:20:38,408 --> 01:20:40,433 Why? 1318 01:20:40,510 --> 01:20:43,445 What the fuck do You want from me? 1319 01:20:43,513 --> 01:20:45,913 I fucking hate You! 1320 01:20:46,850 --> 01:20:48,511 I hate You. 1321 01:20:48,585 --> 01:20:50,849 He can't hear you, you know. 1322 01:20:56,593 --> 01:20:58,652 That's why we needed you. 1323 01:20:58,728 --> 01:21:01,026 Why didn't you tell me? 1324 01:21:01,097 --> 01:21:02,257 Would you-- 1325 01:21:03,333 --> 01:21:05,631 Could you have believed me? 1326 01:21:06,403 --> 01:21:08,928 It was something you had to come to gradually. 1327 01:21:09,839 --> 01:21:12,137 Only after everything you've seen... 1328 01:21:13,276 --> 01:21:14,368 everything you've heard... 1329 01:21:16,379 --> 01:21:19,473 could you possibly be able to accept the truth. 1330 01:21:19,549 --> 01:21:21,540 I don't want this. 1331 01:21:24,788 --> 01:21:26,847 It's too big. 1332 01:21:26,923 --> 01:21:28,618 That's what Jesus said. 1333 01:21:30,794 --> 01:21:32,728 I had to tell Him. 1334 01:21:35,932 --> 01:21:38,958 You can imagine how that hurt the Father... 1335 01:21:40,036 --> 01:21:42,368 not to be able to tell the Son Himself... 1336 01:21:42,439 --> 01:21:45,431 because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. 1337 01:21:45,508 --> 01:21:48,875 So I had to deliver the news to a scared child... 1338 01:21:48,945 --> 01:21:51,175 who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. 1339 01:21:51,247 --> 01:21:55,377 I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only son... 1340 01:21:55,452 --> 01:21:58,387 and it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion... 1341 01:21:58,455 --> 01:22:01,686 at the hands of the very people He'd come to enlighten and redeem. 1342 01:22:03,893 --> 01:22:06,054 He begged me to take it all back. 1343 01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:09,056 As if I could. 1344 01:22:10,767 --> 01:22:13,565 He begged me to "make it all not true." 1345 01:22:13,636 --> 01:22:18,039 I'll let you in on something, Bethany, something I've never told anyone before. 1346 01:22:19,509 --> 01:22:21,443 If I had the power... 1347 01:22:22,912 --> 01:22:24,345 I would have. 1348 01:22:25,081 --> 01:22:26,275 It's unfair. 1349 01:22:26,349 --> 01:22:30,012 It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility... 1350 01:22:30,086 --> 01:22:32,384 and to ask you to do the same now. 1351 01:22:32,455 --> 01:22:34,184 I sympathize. I do. 1352 01:22:34,257 --> 01:22:36,691 I wish I could take it all back. 1353 01:22:39,162 --> 01:22:40,754 But I can't. 1354 01:22:43,633 --> 01:22:45,066 This... 1355 01:22:46,302 --> 01:22:48,395 is who you are. 1356 01:22:50,306 --> 01:22:52,900 Everything I am has been a lie? 1357 01:22:56,946 --> 01:23:01,542 Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. 1358 01:23:01,618 --> 01:23:02,744 You are... 1359 01:23:02,819 --> 01:23:04,411 Bethany Sloane. 1360 01:23:04,487 --> 01:23:07,422 No one can take that away from you, not even God. 1361 01:23:09,292 --> 01:23:14,025 All this means is a redefinition of that identity. 1362 01:23:14,097 --> 01:23:17,726 The incorporation of this new data into who you are. 1363 01:23:17,800 --> 01:23:19,995 Be who you've always been. 1364 01:23:21,070 --> 01:23:22,230 Just... 1365 01:23:23,172 --> 01:23:24,799 be this as well... 1366 01:23:26,543 --> 01:23:29,068 from time to time. 1367 01:23:32,649 --> 01:23:35,584 Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes. 1368 01:23:35,652 --> 01:23:37,916 To say the least. 1369 01:23:46,062 --> 01:23:48,622 Do you mind if we adjourn to somewhere... 1370 01:23:48,698 --> 01:23:51,326 a tad more habitable... 1371 01:23:51,401 --> 01:23:52,993 and a bit warmer? 1372 01:24:07,850 --> 01:24:10,546 Fuck, I think this shit just kicked in. 1373 01:24:10,620 --> 01:24:13,487 Weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now? 1374 01:24:13,556 --> 01:24:15,547 Going out in style. 1375 01:24:15,625 --> 01:24:18,219 - The voice. - The apostle. 1376 01:24:18,294 --> 01:24:20,125 Now, who's this motherfucker? 1377 01:24:20,196 --> 01:24:22,391 The voice of God. Show some respect. 1378 01:24:22,465 --> 01:24:24,899 Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of Him? 1379 01:24:24,968 --> 01:24:27,232 Funny you should mention that. We're not sure. 1380 01:24:27,303 --> 01:24:30,067 - What? - Didn't it ever occur to you... 1381 01:24:30,139 --> 01:24:34,166 that this Bartleby-Loki situation was well within the sphere of His control? 1382 01:24:34,243 --> 01:24:36,006 Yes, but then why was she tapped? 1383 01:24:36,079 --> 01:24:40,072 You know those constitutionals that He likes to take? 1384 01:24:40,149 --> 01:24:41,411 "Constitutionals"? 1385 01:24:41,484 --> 01:24:43,975 I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. 1386 01:24:44,053 --> 01:24:45,987 God's a skeeball fanatic. 1387 01:24:47,256 --> 01:24:50,316 The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. 1388 01:24:50,393 --> 01:24:52,418 He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. 1389 01:24:52,495 --> 01:24:56,022 Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing. He just goes away for a couple of hours. 1390 01:24:56,099 --> 01:24:59,728 And He always gives His free points away to neighborhood children. 1391 01:24:59,802 --> 01:25:01,235 Isn't that sweet? 1392 01:25:01,304 --> 01:25:04,899 But She hasn't come back from one of these day trips? 1393 01:25:04,974 --> 01:25:07,374 No, "She" hasn't... 1394 01:25:07,443 --> 01:25:10,276 and we've been unable to locate "Her." 1395 01:25:10,346 --> 01:25:13,679 He could've been killed. Human form does have that drawback. 1396 01:25:13,750 --> 01:25:17,618 No, there's a different sort of foul play afoot, children. 1397 01:25:18,755 --> 01:25:22,247 Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path... 1398 01:25:22,325 --> 01:25:24,759 and is keeping them quite well hidden... 1399 01:25:24,827 --> 01:25:27,819 is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. 1400 01:25:27,897 --> 01:25:30,161 Were He to be killed in human form... 1401 01:25:30,233 --> 01:25:32,895 He'd have returned immediately to Heaven. 1402 01:25:32,969 --> 01:25:34,960 Someone knew enough... 1403 01:25:35,038 --> 01:25:37,165 to keep Him biologically alive... 1404 01:25:37,240 --> 01:25:40,209 but incapacitate Him in another fashion. 1405 01:25:40,276 --> 01:25:43,040 And as omnipotent as we are above... 1406 01:25:43,112 --> 01:25:46,570 I have to admit that we're more or less lost without His presence. 1407 01:25:46,649 --> 01:25:48,583 We've looked everywhere for Him. 1408 01:25:48,651 --> 01:25:53,520 I tapped her because I thought we'd be able to smoke out whoever's behind this. 1409 01:25:53,589 --> 01:25:56,888 But whoever he is has been clever enough to send some lackeys after you... 1410 01:25:56,959 --> 01:25:59,052 as opposed to showing up themselves. 1411 01:25:59,128 --> 01:26:00,891 Could it be Lucifer? 1412 01:26:00,963 --> 01:26:02,362 Not Lucifer. 1413 01:26:02,432 --> 01:26:05,959 If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven. 1414 01:26:06,035 --> 01:26:08,970 And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki... 1415 01:26:09,038 --> 01:26:12,269 because he's had just as much to lose by their return as anybody else. 1416 01:26:12,341 --> 01:26:13,808 What do we do now? 1417 01:26:13,876 --> 01:26:16,743 I say we get drunk, 'cause I'm all out of ideas. 1418 01:26:16,813 --> 01:26:19,782 Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church? 1419 01:26:19,849 --> 01:26:21,680 I beg your pardon? 1420 01:26:21,751 --> 01:26:23,685 The guy in charge of the church thing. 1421 01:26:26,522 --> 01:26:28,422 Cardinal Glick? 1422 01:26:28,491 --> 01:26:30,652 Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church. 1423 01:26:30,727 --> 01:26:34,094 If it's closed that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right? 1424 01:26:34,163 --> 01:26:35,460 Good Lord. 1425 01:26:35,531 --> 01:26:37,590 The little stoner's got a point. 1426 01:26:37,667 --> 01:26:42,263 Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into cancelling the rededication ceremony. 1427 01:26:42,338 --> 01:26:44,363 "We"? 1428 01:26:44,440 --> 01:26:47,534 Are you saying you're back in, Ms.I-Don't-Think-I-Can-Do-This-Anymore? 1429 01:26:51,848 --> 01:26:55,181 I wouldn't want to let the family down, now would I? 1430 01:26:58,054 --> 01:26:58,986 Well... 1431 01:27:00,223 --> 01:27:04,057 the prophets finally live up to their titles. 1432 01:27:04,127 --> 01:27:07,290 Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country... 1433 01:27:07,363 --> 01:27:11,857 but if we can let 'em know the Catholic Church has a little panache... 1434 01:27:11,934 --> 01:27:14,994 we can win 'em back, even get some new ones. 1435 01:27:15,071 --> 01:27:16,663 Excuse me. 1436 01:27:18,708 --> 01:27:20,335 Fill them pews, people. 1437 01:27:20,409 --> 01:27:23,344 That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. 1438 01:27:23,412 --> 01:27:25,903 Hook 'em while they're young. 1439 01:27:25,982 --> 01:27:30,146 - Kinda like the tobacco industry. - Christ, if only we had their numbers. 1440 01:27:30,219 --> 01:27:33,347 We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, Your Eminence. 1441 01:27:33,422 --> 01:27:37,017 My friends and I have been traveling all night in hope of talking to you... 1442 01:27:37,093 --> 01:27:39,584 about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony. 1443 01:27:39,662 --> 01:27:42,153 You looking to help out in some way? 1444 01:27:42,231 --> 01:27:45,029 We'd like you to cancel the ceremony. 1445 01:27:46,102 --> 01:27:47,729 I beg your pardon. 1446 01:27:47,804 --> 01:27:51,831 There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes on as planned. 1447 01:27:52,909 --> 01:27:55,742 Are you pro-choice? 1448 01:27:55,812 --> 01:27:57,404 The trouble's not from us. 1449 01:27:57,480 --> 01:28:00,847 It's from these renegade angels that've been stuck on Earth since the plagues. 1450 01:28:03,586 --> 01:28:06,111 These guys, they think they're renegade angels. 1451 01:28:06,189 --> 01:28:08,384 See, Padre, it goes down like this. 1452 01:28:08,457 --> 01:28:13,190 These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go to Heaven. 1453 01:28:13,262 --> 01:28:16,891 You want me to call off the ceremony for that. 1454 01:28:17,967 --> 01:28:19,093 Who sent you? 1455 01:28:21,170 --> 01:28:24,230 We were sent by Him who is called I Am! 1456 01:28:24,307 --> 01:28:26,901 Cute. Really cute. 1457 01:28:26,976 --> 01:28:29,376 Playtime with the cardinal is over. 1458 01:28:29,445 --> 01:28:32,073 - Worked for Moses. - Stay out of this. 1459 01:28:32,148 --> 01:28:33,775 It's not a joke. 1460 01:28:33,850 --> 01:28:36,944 I'm telling you, man, this ceremony's a big mistake. 1461 01:28:37,019 --> 01:28:39,988 The Catholic Church does not make mistakes. 1462 01:28:40,056 --> 01:28:42,991 Please! What about the Church's silent consent of the slave trade? 1463 01:28:43,059 --> 01:28:45,619 And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust? 1464 01:28:45,695 --> 01:28:48,129 All right, mistakes were made. 1465 01:28:48,197 --> 01:28:51,291 But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church... 1466 01:28:51,367 --> 01:28:53,392 responsible for the oversights of old. 1467 01:28:53,469 --> 01:28:57,235 I'm a very important man with important matters that demand my attention... 1468 01:28:57,306 --> 01:28:58,796 so if you please-- 1469 01:28:58,875 --> 01:29:01,639 - But tomorrow-- - Tomorrow goes off without a hitch. 1470 01:29:01,711 --> 01:29:03,076 Do I make myself clear? 1471 01:29:03,145 --> 01:29:07,809 Neither you nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself... 1472 01:29:07,884 --> 01:29:10,819 is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch. 1473 01:29:31,807 --> 01:29:33,832 I can see the headlines now... 1474 01:29:33,910 --> 01:29:35,844 if there were gonna be any. 1475 01:29:35,912 --> 01:29:37,539 "Existence Erased." 1476 01:29:37,613 --> 01:29:39,843 Don't worry about it. We evened the score. 1477 01:29:39,916 --> 01:29:42,282 Hand it over, Silent Bob. 1478 01:29:44,787 --> 01:29:45,947 What up. 1479 01:29:46,022 --> 01:29:48,286 You stole the cardinal's driver? 1480 01:29:48,357 --> 01:29:50,518 That's what he gets for messin' with our girlfriend. 1481 01:29:50,593 --> 01:29:52,356 Cross-dressin' fuck. 1482 01:29:52,428 --> 01:29:54,862 That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys. 1483 01:29:56,632 --> 01:29:59,567 What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki? 1484 01:29:59,635 --> 01:30:02,832 I guess we're gonna have to try and kill 'em. 1485 01:30:02,905 --> 01:30:05,032 - You said they couldn't be killed. - Correction. 1486 01:30:06,642 --> 01:30:09,372 They won't be killed. 1487 01:30:09,445 --> 01:30:12,505 And just to ensure that, we're all gonna sit tight... 1488 01:30:12,581 --> 01:30:13,843 right here... 1489 01:30:13,916 --> 01:30:16,976 until those two idiots pass through that arch. 1490 01:30:18,087 --> 01:30:20,146 There's only one idiot here, Azrael... 1491 01:30:23,459 --> 01:30:25,620 and I'm looking right at him. 1492 01:30:25,695 --> 01:30:27,219 Muse! 1493 01:30:28,564 --> 01:30:31,692 Just in time to join us for a drink. 1494 01:30:33,169 --> 01:30:34,261 Hey. Where'd you come from? 1495 01:30:36,105 --> 01:30:38,039 - Where'd you come from? - Me? 1496 01:30:38,107 --> 01:30:39,631 Nothingness. 1497 01:30:39,709 --> 01:30:43,440 And that's where I'm returning to in approximately, oh, one hour. 1498 01:30:43,512 --> 01:30:47,073 All right, Plato, sounds like you've had enough already. 1499 01:30:47,149 --> 01:30:49,640 - Let's go. - Oh, darn it! 1500 01:30:49,719 --> 01:30:53,382 Come on, barkeep, just one drink. One for the road, then I'm gone? 1501 01:30:53,456 --> 01:30:56,584 I was trying to find you to tell you I figured out who was behind all this. 1502 01:30:56,659 --> 01:30:58,422 Is that who I think it is? 1503 01:30:58,494 --> 01:30:59,791 - None other than. - Who is he? 1504 01:30:59,862 --> 01:31:02,626 All right, one drink. Then you're gone. 1505 01:31:02,698 --> 01:31:04,859 Give me a... 1506 01:31:04,934 --> 01:31:07,402 Holy Bartender. 1507 01:31:07,470 --> 01:31:09,370 Never heard of it. 1508 01:31:09,438 --> 01:31:13,306 He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. 1509 01:31:13,376 --> 01:31:15,310 You do, don't you, Muse? 1510 01:31:15,378 --> 01:31:16,436 Don't. 1511 01:31:17,546 --> 01:31:18,706 Anybody? 1512 01:31:18,781 --> 01:31:20,271 No? 1513 01:31:20,349 --> 01:31:23,876 Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender. 1514 01:31:32,461 --> 01:31:33,553 Get it? 1515 01:31:33,629 --> 01:31:35,893 Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why? 1516 01:31:35,965 --> 01:31:39,492 Come on, Demon! Try that shit on somebody who's already dead! 1517 01:31:39,568 --> 01:31:43,004 Oh, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude... 1518 01:31:43,072 --> 01:31:46,098 and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. 1519 01:31:46,175 --> 01:31:48,336 The Christ bitch will join you. 1520 01:31:48,411 --> 01:31:51,574 Are you really that stupid? 1521 01:31:51,647 --> 01:31:55,174 You do know what's gonna happen if those two jerks enter that church. 1522 01:31:55,251 --> 01:31:57,617 I'm actually counting on it. 1523 01:31:58,854 --> 01:32:01,015 And if my calculations are correct... 1524 01:32:01,090 --> 01:32:03,820 the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak. 1525 01:32:08,798 --> 01:32:12,325 "Holy Bartender." I get it. That's a great one! 1526 01:32:12,401 --> 01:32:16,633 I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton... 1527 01:32:16,705 --> 01:32:18,502 for coming this morning. 1528 01:32:18,574 --> 01:32:21,509 She's a Protestant, but we're not gonna hold that against her. 1529 01:32:23,179 --> 01:32:27,878 Now, let me just tell you a little bit of history about this particular... 1530 01:32:27,950 --> 01:32:30,612 hundred-years-young house of God. 1531 01:32:30,686 --> 01:32:31,983 God's house? 1532 01:32:33,355 --> 01:32:36,085 God doesn't live here anymore. 1533 01:32:36,158 --> 01:32:38,956 He's grown weary of your superficial faith. 1534 01:32:39,028 --> 01:32:41,963 He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. 1535 01:32:42,031 --> 01:32:45,364 - He has abandoned you, his favorites... - Sorry. 1536 01:32:45,434 --> 01:32:47,368 to the whim of judgment. 1537 01:32:47,436 --> 01:32:49,961 Hypocrites, charlatans... 1538 01:32:51,640 --> 01:32:54,268 prepare to taste God's wrath. 1539 01:32:54,343 --> 01:32:57,278 - Maybe we should just leave. - You wanted your body count. You got it. 1540 01:32:57,346 --> 01:32:59,974 This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all. 1541 01:33:00,049 --> 01:33:01,311 Officer McGhee. 1542 01:33:02,118 --> 01:33:03,881 All right, mouthpiece... 1543 01:33:03,953 --> 01:33:06,751 let's leave the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride. 1544 01:33:06,822 --> 01:33:09,222 Mr.McGhee, don't make me angry. 1545 01:33:09,291 --> 01:33:11,225 You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 1546 01:33:11,293 --> 01:33:13,158 Is that so? 1547 01:33:17,433 --> 01:33:19,196 Ladies and gentlemen... 1548 01:33:19,268 --> 01:33:24,763 you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty God... 1549 01:33:24,840 --> 01:33:27,240 and this very day... 1550 01:33:27,309 --> 01:33:31,075 I assure you, you will all pay for your trespasses... 1551 01:33:31,147 --> 01:33:32,910 in blood. 1552 01:33:32,982 --> 01:33:35,280 - Wings. Now. - I'm feeling a little exposed here. 1553 01:33:35,351 --> 01:33:36,409 Do it! 1554 01:33:37,620 --> 01:33:40,350 - So he's a muse too? - Former muse. 1555 01:33:42,024 --> 01:33:45,425 He was kicked out. 1556 01:33:45,494 --> 01:33:47,962 Ever the fucking apple polisher. 1557 01:33:48,030 --> 01:33:49,122 Then what happened? 1558 01:33:49,198 --> 01:33:51,359 Yes, what? 1559 01:33:51,433 --> 01:33:55,392 Well, Lucifer just had to start his little war for the throne. 1560 01:33:55,471 --> 01:33:58,031 Heaven became divided into two factions-- 1561 01:33:58,107 --> 01:34:00,302 the faithful and the renegades. 1562 01:34:00,376 --> 01:34:03,209 Oh, the Ethereal Plains were chaotic with battle. 1563 01:34:03,279 --> 01:34:06,077 Angel against angel. 1564 01:34:06,148 --> 01:34:09,584 And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition. 1565 01:34:09,652 --> 01:34:11,552 But Azrael refused to fight. 1566 01:34:11,620 --> 01:34:15,112 He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious. 1567 01:34:15,191 --> 01:34:17,284 What are you, some kind of fuckin' chicken? 1568 01:34:17,359 --> 01:34:18,656 No. 1569 01:34:18,727 --> 01:34:20,592 I was an artist... 1570 01:34:20,663 --> 01:34:22,790 stupid! 1571 01:34:22,865 --> 01:34:24,526 I was inspiration! 1572 01:34:24,600 --> 01:34:27,091 A muse has no place in battle. 1573 01:34:27,169 --> 01:34:29,899 So after the fallen were banished to Hell... 1574 01:34:29,972 --> 01:34:31,906 God turned on those that wouldn't fight... 1575 01:34:31,974 --> 01:34:34,340 and Azrael was sent down with the demons... 1576 01:34:34,410 --> 01:34:37,208 something he considers a great injustice. 1577 01:34:37,279 --> 01:34:39,440 Oh, come on. 1578 01:34:39,515 --> 01:34:42,575 Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity. 1579 01:34:42,651 --> 01:34:45,415 No. It never bothered me. 1580 01:34:45,487 --> 01:34:47,512 So you were an artist. 1581 01:34:47,590 --> 01:34:49,353 Big deal! 1582 01:34:49,425 --> 01:34:51,484 Elvis was an artist... 1583 01:34:51,560 --> 01:34:54,927 but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. 1584 01:34:54,997 --> 01:34:56,931 That's why he is the king... 1585 01:34:56,999 --> 01:34:58,933 and you're a schmuck. 1586 01:34:59,001 --> 01:35:00,161 Nice. 1587 01:35:00,236 --> 01:35:02,136 So all this is about revenge. 1588 01:35:02,204 --> 01:35:05,196 You're gonna unmake existence because you have a grudge against God? 1589 01:35:05,274 --> 01:35:09,040 After the first million years? No. 1590 01:35:09,111 --> 01:35:12,945 Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. 1591 01:35:13,015 --> 01:35:17,509 So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself... 1592 01:35:17,586 --> 01:35:19,110 which it finally did... 1593 01:35:19,188 --> 01:35:21,156 in Catholicism. 1594 01:35:21,223 --> 01:35:22,485 Plenary indulgence. 1595 01:35:22,558 --> 01:35:24,458 But I couldn't exercise it. 1596 01:35:24,526 --> 01:35:26,994 Demons can't become human. 1597 01:35:27,062 --> 01:35:29,223 No, we can't transubstantiate. 1598 01:35:30,699 --> 01:35:32,166 But angels can. 1599 01:35:33,402 --> 01:35:34,733 Bartleby and Loki. 1600 01:35:36,438 --> 01:35:39,464 After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church... 1601 01:35:39,541 --> 01:35:41,338 to celebrate their centennial... 1602 01:35:41,410 --> 01:35:47,042 and when that finally happened I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. 1603 01:35:47,116 --> 01:35:49,050 An incantation I picked up in the pit... 1604 01:35:49,118 --> 01:35:51,245 kept them cloaked and off Heaven's radars. 1605 01:35:51,320 --> 01:35:54,483 And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan... 1606 01:35:54,556 --> 01:35:58,356 no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. 1607 01:35:58,427 --> 01:36:01,419 But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal... 1608 01:36:01,497 --> 01:36:04,989 so I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion. 1609 01:36:05,067 --> 01:36:07,501 Her. And how? 1610 01:36:07,569 --> 01:36:10,163 That's the only thing I couldn't figure out. 1611 01:36:10,239 --> 01:36:13,174 Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know... 1612 01:36:13,242 --> 01:36:16,177 that you never reveal all the details of your plan... 1613 01:36:16,245 --> 01:36:19,681 no matter how close you may think you are to winning. 1614 01:36:19,748 --> 01:36:22,945 The only "X" factor was the involvement of the last scion here. 1615 01:36:24,286 --> 01:36:28,382 But fat lot of good that did, right? I mean, here you all are. 1616 01:36:31,160 --> 01:36:34,323 Powerless to stop the inevitable. 1617 01:36:34,396 --> 01:36:38,526 Look, asshole, I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you... 1618 01:36:38,600 --> 01:36:42,502 but if you succeed everything gets blinked out of existence, even you. 1619 01:36:42,571 --> 01:36:45,540 Human, have you ever been to Hell? 1620 01:36:45,607 --> 01:36:47,802 I think not. 1621 01:36:47,876 --> 01:36:50,140 I'd rather not exist than go back to that. 1622 01:36:50,212 --> 01:36:54,546 And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it. 1623 01:36:54,616 --> 01:36:57,141 Still thinking only about yourself... 1624 01:36:57,219 --> 01:36:59,153 you fucking child! 1625 01:36:59,221 --> 01:37:01,314 Now, now, now. 1626 01:37:02,191 --> 01:37:05,217 Things are getting too intense in here. 1627 01:37:05,294 --> 01:37:07,854 Hey! What say we watch a little TV? 1628 01:37:07,930 --> 01:37:09,898 Yo, put on channel 9. Davey and Goliath. 1629 01:37:11,300 --> 01:37:15,703 Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events. 1630 01:37:15,771 --> 01:37:18,205 Keep rolling! Keep rolling! 1631 01:37:18,273 --> 01:37:21,140 I repeat, men with huge fucking wings... 1632 01:37:21,210 --> 01:37:23,371 have laid waste to St. Michael's! 1633 01:37:23,445 --> 01:37:25,811 Bullets don't seem to affect them! 1634 01:37:26,615 --> 01:37:29,550 The remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees... 1635 01:37:29,618 --> 01:37:31,984 identifying this as the fabled apocalypse. 1636 01:37:32,054 --> 01:37:34,921 Now, I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree. 1637 01:37:34,990 --> 01:37:39,188 Oh, God, please, don't come any closer! God, no! 1638 01:37:47,269 --> 01:37:50,500 You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. 1639 01:37:50,572 --> 01:37:54,167 I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes it's not going to matter anyway. 1640 01:37:58,313 --> 01:37:59,337 Oh? 1641 01:38:00,816 --> 01:38:03,250 Oh, now what was that all about? 1642 01:38:03,318 --> 01:38:04,945 What? 1643 01:38:05,020 --> 01:38:07,511 Oh, nothing. 1644 01:38:07,589 --> 01:38:09,750 I had something in my eye. 1645 01:38:09,825 --> 01:38:12,589 Now who's the fucking child? 1646 01:38:13,762 --> 01:38:16,959 What did you tell him, to hit me with the golf club? 1647 01:38:17,633 --> 01:38:21,296 Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon. You'd have him assault me with a putter? 1648 01:38:22,337 --> 01:38:24,430 You want to play? Then we'll play. 1649 01:38:24,506 --> 01:38:26,303 One side, Red. 1650 01:38:27,042 --> 01:38:28,737 Go ahead, then. Pick it up. 1651 01:38:28,811 --> 01:38:29,971 Call it a gift. 1652 01:38:31,447 --> 01:38:33,438 Come on. 1653 01:38:33,515 --> 01:38:34,948 That's it. 1654 01:38:36,485 --> 01:38:38,077 Take a shot. 1655 01:38:38,153 --> 01:38:41,748 Take your best fucking shot. 1656 01:38:43,225 --> 01:38:45,625 Seriously. I'm not kidding. Take it. Come on. 1657 01:38:46,795 --> 01:38:48,729 Come on, bright boy. 1658 01:38:56,572 --> 01:38:59,336 Don't you know anything? 1659 01:39:14,823 --> 01:39:16,757 Bethany, bless the sink! 1660 01:39:16,825 --> 01:39:18,690 - What? - Just do it! 1661 01:39:18,760 --> 01:39:20,751 Bless the sink, damn it! 1662 01:39:45,020 --> 01:39:47,215 That's what you get, motherfucker. 1663 01:39:49,758 --> 01:39:51,953 But I'm a fucking demon. 1664 01:39:59,268 --> 01:40:00,530 What just happened? 1665 01:40:00,602 --> 01:40:03,264 He said it himself: "I'm a fucking demon." 1666 01:40:03,338 --> 01:40:07,707 Hit a demon with an instrument of God, the pure side so it'll do some damage. 1667 01:40:07,776 --> 01:40:09,835 Silent Bob's an instrument of God? 1668 01:40:09,912 --> 01:40:13,848 No, but Glick's the kind of asshole who'd bless his clubs for a better game. 1669 01:40:13,916 --> 01:40:16,976 - But the sink? - You've got the divine heritage. 1670 01:40:17,052 --> 01:40:19,316 Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits. 1671 01:40:19,388 --> 01:40:21,822 Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party. 1672 01:40:21,890 --> 01:40:25,087 - How far away is this church? - Three towns over, about ten miles. 1673 01:40:25,160 --> 01:40:27,094 - Rufus, grab the gun. - Ten steps ahead of you. 1674 01:40:27,162 --> 01:40:29,392 Take the bartender's car. He won't need it. 1675 01:40:29,464 --> 01:40:32,695 The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God. 1676 01:40:44,513 --> 01:40:46,208 Oh, my God. 1677 01:40:58,994 --> 01:41:01,724 And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore. 1678 01:41:01,797 --> 01:41:03,059 Are we too late? 1679 01:41:03,131 --> 01:41:05,725 To save these poor schmucks? 1680 01:41:07,502 --> 01:41:08,594 Yeah. 1681 01:41:08,670 --> 01:41:11,332 But we still exist. 1682 01:41:11,406 --> 01:41:13,237 Where are they? 1683 01:41:13,308 --> 01:41:15,799 They could already be in the church. 1684 01:41:15,877 --> 01:41:17,970 Which means if they come out, nobody touches them. 1685 01:41:18,046 --> 01:41:19,479 Are you shitting me? 1686 01:41:19,548 --> 01:41:23,575 The brother here is gonna shred 'em with his angel-be-good special. Huh, homey? 1687 01:41:23,652 --> 01:41:25,586 If they pass through that arch, they come out clean. 1688 01:41:25,654 --> 01:41:27,781 And if they die, they go straight up. 1689 01:41:27,856 --> 01:41:30,290 And hello! We know what happens then, right? 1690 01:41:30,359 --> 01:41:32,759 - Why don't they just kill themselves? - It's a mortal sin. 1691 01:41:32,828 --> 01:41:35,661 Die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They don't want to go to hell. 1692 01:41:35,731 --> 01:41:39,599 Then what, are we supposed to just wait for a solution to fall from the sky? 1693 01:41:43,805 --> 01:41:45,170 Friend of yours? 1694 01:41:45,240 --> 01:41:47,174 No, that was a cardinal. 1695 01:41:47,242 --> 01:41:51,076 You can't tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway. 1696 01:41:51,146 --> 01:41:53,740 It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker! 1697 01:41:53,815 --> 01:41:55,077 Don't you listen? 1698 01:41:55,150 --> 01:41:58,142 - We can't touch him! - I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass. 1699 01:41:58,220 --> 01:42:00,518 He's been at it for a while now. 1700 01:42:00,589 --> 01:42:02,181 Please! Please! 1701 01:42:03,358 --> 01:42:05,292 We ran out of parishioners... 1702 01:42:05,360 --> 01:42:09,694 so he just started picking up folk off the road and just dropping 'em. 1703 01:42:09,765 --> 01:42:12,996 This is just eons of repression getting purged. 1704 01:42:14,002 --> 01:42:16,129 If only they'd let us jerk off. 1705 01:42:17,506 --> 01:42:19,269 Whoops. Take a step back. 1706 01:42:23,612 --> 01:42:25,045 Let me go! 1707 01:42:26,181 --> 01:42:28,479 Why? What are you trying to prove? 1708 01:42:28,550 --> 01:42:31,951 - All these people! - Hey, this wasn't my idea! 1709 01:42:32,954 --> 01:42:34,387 Jesus Christ! 1710 01:42:35,724 --> 01:42:37,658 I just wanted to go home. 1711 01:42:37,726 --> 01:42:39,557 But him, you know... 1712 01:42:39,628 --> 01:42:42,028 he just lost it. 1713 01:42:42,097 --> 01:42:45,328 He realized who you were and what you were gonna have to do. 1714 01:42:45,400 --> 01:42:46,867 He just snapped. 1715 01:42:46,935 --> 01:42:50,564 The funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work. 1716 01:42:50,639 --> 01:42:53,733 He said he felt sorry for you people. 1717 01:42:54,776 --> 01:42:56,334 Now look at him. 1718 01:42:56,411 --> 01:42:58,470 This guy's fuckin' drunker than hell. 1719 01:42:58,547 --> 01:43:01,038 Which means he's human now. 1720 01:43:02,417 --> 01:43:04,510 His wings have been cut off. 1721 01:43:11,126 --> 01:43:13,060 The muse? 1722 01:43:13,128 --> 01:43:15,221 Oh, no way! 1723 01:43:15,297 --> 01:43:18,095 I haven't seen you-- You look terrific. Wow! 1724 01:43:18,166 --> 01:43:20,327 What's with the tits? Can I-- 1725 01:43:20,402 --> 01:43:22,666 Have you walked through the arch yet? 1726 01:43:26,041 --> 01:43:29,602 Tell me. Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet? 1727 01:43:29,678 --> 01:43:31,043 No! 1728 01:43:36,118 --> 01:43:37,551 He's back. 1729 01:44:00,876 --> 01:44:02,810 We were awaiting your arrival. 1730 01:44:02,878 --> 01:44:05,938 Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me. 1731 01:44:06,014 --> 01:44:08,744 You can't go through with this. Azrael was just using you. 1732 01:44:08,817 --> 01:44:10,079 If you go back-- 1733 01:44:10,952 --> 01:44:13,944 I've become aware of the repercussions. I know what I'm doing. 1734 01:44:15,390 --> 01:44:17,085 You sick, twisted fuck! 1735 01:44:18,660 --> 01:44:19,922 Bethany. 1736 01:44:23,098 --> 01:44:26,431 You, of all people, should understand what I'm trying to accomplish here. 1737 01:44:26,501 --> 01:44:29,436 You too know what it feels like to be cast aside. 1738 01:44:29,504 --> 01:44:32,564 But you've only dealt with the pain a few years. 1739 01:44:32,641 --> 01:44:35,735 I've dealt with it for a millennia. 1740 01:44:35,811 --> 01:44:40,248 While you never see your ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife-- 1741 01:44:41,817 --> 01:44:43,079 and he is-- 1742 01:44:46,254 --> 01:44:50,987 seeing you people every day on this perfect world He created for you... 1743 01:44:51,059 --> 01:44:52,788 is a constant reminder... 1744 01:44:52,861 --> 01:44:55,921 that though my kind came first... 1745 01:44:55,997 --> 01:44:58,090 your kind was most revered. 1746 01:44:59,334 --> 01:45:01,700 And while you know forgiveness... 1747 01:45:01,770 --> 01:45:03,704 we know only regret. 1748 01:45:04,773 --> 01:45:06,604 The lesson must be taught. 1749 01:45:06,675 --> 01:45:08,609 All are accountable... 1750 01:45:08,677 --> 01:45:09,939 even God. 1751 01:45:11,213 --> 01:45:13,408 Soon a cadre of police will arrive... 1752 01:45:13,481 --> 01:45:16,746 just in time to kill us as we exit the church. 1753 01:45:17,986 --> 01:45:21,478 Then this failed experiment called existence... 1754 01:45:21,556 --> 01:45:23,046 will cease to be. 1755 01:45:23,124 --> 01:45:24,682 No. Hey. Hey! 1756 01:45:27,395 --> 01:45:29,329 I can't let you do that, Bartleby. 1757 01:45:29,397 --> 01:45:31,490 This has gone too far. 1758 01:45:33,468 --> 01:45:35,902 I might have to take you down. 1759 01:45:37,439 --> 01:45:39,270 It's okay. Shh. 1760 01:45:39,341 --> 01:45:40,933 I'll do it. 1761 01:45:45,714 --> 01:45:47,648 My compatriot. 1762 01:45:48,984 --> 01:45:51,544 Genocide takes a lot out of him. 1763 01:45:51,620 --> 01:45:52,882 He's weakened. 1764 01:45:52,954 --> 01:45:54,421 You're weak. 1765 01:45:54,489 --> 01:45:57,322 More importantly, he's also a human being... 1766 01:45:57,392 --> 01:45:59,587 a condition which carries two liabilities-- 1767 01:46:01,396 --> 01:46:03,193 a conscience... 1768 01:46:03,999 --> 01:46:05,432 and... 1769 01:46:08,436 --> 01:46:11,030 a short life span. 1770 01:46:11,106 --> 01:46:13,904 I'm sorry, old friend, but you lost the faith. 1771 01:46:41,670 --> 01:46:43,604 He's lost it. We're fucked. 1772 01:46:43,672 --> 01:46:45,970 - We're absolutely fucked! - I hear that shit. 1773 01:46:47,342 --> 01:46:48,775 I can't believe this. 1774 01:46:48,843 --> 01:46:51,471 We're on the brink of nonexistence, and God's still nowhere to be found. 1775 01:46:51,546 --> 01:46:54,640 - What kind of deity gets kidnapped? - Amen to that. 1776 01:47:01,523 --> 01:47:03,650 What the hell are you doing? 1777 01:47:03,725 --> 01:47:07,252 If the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd fuck me. 1778 01:47:11,299 --> 01:47:14,234 - You're a pig. - Nobody's gonna beat that thing. 1779 01:47:14,302 --> 01:47:17,897 We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there... 1780 01:47:17,973 --> 01:47:20,908 - or we can get makin' with the love. - What did you say? 1781 01:47:20,976 --> 01:47:23,069 Make with the love. It's a nice way of saying boning. 1782 01:47:23,144 --> 01:47:24,668 No, about John Doe Jersey. 1783 01:47:28,483 --> 01:47:31,475 That guy, the one they won't take off life support -- John Doe Jersey. 1784 01:47:31,553 --> 01:47:33,612 This is where he's at-- St. Michael's Hospital. 1785 01:47:35,156 --> 01:47:36,623 Where's the nearest boardwalk? 1786 01:47:36,691 --> 01:47:39,319 I ain't got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the fucking. 1787 01:47:39,394 --> 01:47:41,862 - Where is it? - Asbury Park, about five miles away. 1788 01:47:41,930 --> 01:47:43,989 - Have you ever been there? - Once, with this chick. 1789 01:47:44,065 --> 01:47:47,091 We were about to fuck on the carousel and I got sick, started puking. 1790 01:47:47,168 --> 01:47:49,033 - Do they have skeeball there? - Yeah. 1791 01:47:52,440 --> 01:47:54,374 That's what I'm talkin' about. 1792 01:48:02,384 --> 01:48:05,478 Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church. 1793 01:48:05,553 --> 01:48:07,714 Bob, come with me. Come on! 1794 01:48:07,789 --> 01:48:10,485 - How am I supposed to do that? - Think of something! 1795 01:48:10,558 --> 01:48:12,788 I already did, but it takes two of us! 1796 01:48:13,628 --> 01:48:15,858 I repeat, this is not a drill. 1797 01:48:15,930 --> 01:48:17,727 This is the apocalypse. 1798 01:48:17,799 --> 01:48:20,529 Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. 1799 01:48:20,602 --> 01:48:22,365 Thank you. 1800 01:48:37,786 --> 01:48:39,413 Hey, Big Bird! 1801 01:48:40,288 --> 01:48:41,983 Ready for the counting game? 1802 01:48:46,761 --> 01:48:48,729 Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck. 1803 01:49:16,925 --> 01:49:18,893 No more bullets. 1804 01:49:18,960 --> 01:49:21,155 Now, what the fuck would you do that for? 1805 01:49:21,229 --> 01:49:24,164 Angels have to cut their wings off to become human. 1806 01:49:24,232 --> 01:49:26,291 You just did him a favor, stupid! 1807 01:50:13,047 --> 01:50:15,743 I hope you're the skeeball type. 1808 01:50:56,858 --> 01:50:59,292 Oh, Bartleby. 1809 01:50:59,360 --> 01:51:03,023 Was Wisconsin really that bad? 1810 01:51:03,097 --> 01:51:05,190 Bow down, stupid! 1811 01:51:23,751 --> 01:51:25,685 I'm sorry. 1812 01:51:48,076 --> 01:51:51,273 Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence... 1813 01:51:51,346 --> 01:51:55,112 would do well to cover their ears right about now. 1814 01:51:55,183 --> 01:51:57,242 What the fuck? 1815 01:52:03,391 --> 01:52:05,416 Thank you. 1816 01:52:37,225 --> 01:52:38,886 It never ends! 1817 01:52:58,913 --> 01:53:01,006 Get off of me. I wanna see what's up. 1818 01:53:01,082 --> 01:53:03,573 What the fuck is this shit? 1819 01:53:03,651 --> 01:53:05,380 Who the fuck are you, lady? 1820 01:53:05,453 --> 01:53:07,921 Why the fuck did you hug my head? 1821 01:53:07,989 --> 01:53:10,924 Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? 1822 01:53:10,992 --> 01:53:13,961 What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talkin'? 1823 01:53:14,028 --> 01:53:19,364 I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes. 1824 01:53:19,434 --> 01:53:22,733 What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? 1825 01:53:22,804 --> 01:53:25,773 What the fuck happened to that guy's head? 1826 01:53:25,840 --> 01:53:27,831 Shh. 1827 01:53:43,358 --> 01:53:45,053 Where was she? 1828 01:53:45,126 --> 01:53:47,686 Imprisoned in a body. 1829 01:53:47,762 --> 01:53:50,697 Bethany figured it all out. She's a clever girl, that one. 1830 01:53:52,200 --> 01:53:53,792 Hang on a minute. 1831 01:54:28,269 --> 01:54:30,203 You missed a bit. 1832 01:54:31,739 --> 01:54:34,674 Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle? 1833 01:54:34,742 --> 01:54:37,210 You ready to make some of those changes I been talking about? 1834 01:54:37,278 --> 01:54:38,438 We'll see. 1835 01:54:38,513 --> 01:54:40,071 Muse? 1836 01:54:40,148 --> 01:54:42,742 Seeing as how you just had to get involved... 1837 01:54:42,817 --> 01:54:45,081 you're welcome to return with us as well. 1838 01:54:45,153 --> 01:54:48,088 First I gotta say good-bye to Bethany. Where is she? 1839 01:54:48,156 --> 01:54:49,589 Oh, no. 1840 01:55:10,845 --> 01:55:13,313 Metatron, is she-- 1841 01:55:13,381 --> 01:55:15,713 Afraid so. 1842 01:55:15,783 --> 01:55:19,776 One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die. 1843 01:55:19,854 --> 01:55:22,414 But no matter. 1844 01:55:31,933 --> 01:55:33,867 All is being taken care of. 1845 01:55:34,969 --> 01:55:36,402 How so? 1846 01:55:37,538 --> 01:55:40,632 Wax on, wax off. 1847 01:56:04,198 --> 01:56:05,324 How did I-- 1848 01:56:05,399 --> 01:56:07,094 She can rebuild you. 1849 01:56:07,168 --> 01:56:08,760 She has the technology. 1850 01:56:08,836 --> 01:56:12,932 She can make you better, stronger, faster. 1851 01:56:18,713 --> 01:56:19,839 That's... 1852 01:56:20,915 --> 01:56:23,713 A very relieved deity. 1853 01:56:25,486 --> 01:56:28,182 You did well, little girl. I knew you'd come 'round. 1854 01:56:28,256 --> 01:56:30,690 Your kind always does. 1855 01:56:31,893 --> 01:56:34,361 You might want to take good care of yourself. 1856 01:56:34,428 --> 01:56:37,226 We're gonna need you down the road. 1857 01:56:37,298 --> 01:56:39,766 I know. I'm the last scion. 1858 01:56:42,436 --> 01:56:45,564 Well, you're half right. 1859 01:56:45,640 --> 01:56:48,575 You were the last scion. 1860 01:56:50,311 --> 01:56:51,744 But now... 1861 01:56:52,813 --> 01:56:54,337 this... 1862 01:56:55,082 --> 01:56:57,175 is the last scion. 1863 01:57:00,221 --> 01:57:02,155 I'm pregnant? 1864 01:57:04,492 --> 01:57:06,653 Can't put anything past you. 1865 01:57:09,964 --> 01:57:12,489 Take care of that parcel for us. 1866 01:57:12,567 --> 01:57:16,503 She has a world of work ahead of her. 1867 01:57:27,915 --> 01:57:29,974 Thank you for... 1868 01:57:30,051 --> 01:57:32,042 I don't know... 1869 01:57:32,119 --> 01:57:33,381 everything. 1870 01:57:37,124 --> 01:57:40,560 God, there's a million things I wish I could ask you... 1871 01:57:40,628 --> 01:57:44,689 most of it questioning your great plan, and that'd be arrogant of me, I know. 1872 01:57:45,466 --> 01:57:47,593 But there is one I need to ask. 1873 01:57:47,668 --> 01:57:51,297 I'm sure you get it all the time, but how many chances like this will I get? 1874 01:57:53,274 --> 01:57:55,242 Why are we here? 1875 01:58:11,826 --> 01:58:14,761 Didn't I tell you she was funny? 1876 01:58:21,636 --> 01:58:24,230 I really enjoyed meeting you. 1877 01:58:24,972 --> 01:58:27,133 It was an honor. 1878 01:58:31,812 --> 01:58:34,747 You did so well. 1879 01:58:39,387 --> 01:58:42,322 I told you She was a woman. 1880 01:58:44,291 --> 01:58:46,657 She's not really a woman. 1881 01:58:46,727 --> 01:58:49,195 She's not really anything. 1882 01:58:49,263 --> 01:58:50,924 She's something, all right. 1883 01:58:52,133 --> 01:58:54,363 Crisis of faith over? 1884 01:58:54,435 --> 01:58:57,370 I think I'm now burdened with an overabundance. 1885 01:58:57,438 --> 01:58:59,372 When it rains, it pours. 1886 01:58:59,440 --> 01:59:01,670 Are you saying you believe? 1887 01:59:02,977 --> 01:59:04,968 But I have a good idea. 1888 01:59:05,046 --> 01:59:06,479 Yes! 1889 01:59:10,418 --> 01:59:12,352 The Man was right about you. 1890 01:59:12,420 --> 01:59:15,446 Now I'm gonna go home and tell Him so. 1891 01:59:16,357 --> 01:59:18,291 And if you clean up your language... 1892 01:59:18,359 --> 01:59:20,827 I just might put in a good word for you too. 1893 01:59:20,895 --> 01:59:22,487 Thanks. 1894 01:59:24,031 --> 01:59:26,465 Why don't you name the kid after me? 1895 01:59:29,303 --> 01:59:31,066 Rufus. 1896 01:59:57,465 --> 01:59:59,899 Yo, we should go to Quick Stop. 1897 02:00:04,739 --> 02:00:06,673 Youse guys wanna hear something sick? 1898 02:00:06,741 --> 02:00:09,676 I got half a stalk when she kissed me. 1899 02:00:09,744 --> 02:00:12,178 I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot. 1900 02:00:12,246 --> 02:00:16,808 You can't talk to me that way anymore. I'm gonna be somebody's mother. 1901 02:00:16,884 --> 02:00:18,374 You're pregnant? 1902 02:00:20,054 --> 02:00:23,581 You know, when you're pregnant you can have sex until the third trimester. 1903 02:00:23,657 --> 02:00:25,591 I'll keep that in mind. 1904 02:08:05,619 --> 02:08:09,521 So, that would make Bethany part black?