1
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:46,972
Show me that little dance
you-all be doing.

2
00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:49,945
- I told y'all to stop running in here.
- Yes, ma'am.

3
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,811
I'm gonna smack one
of you now, you hear?

4
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,782
Them pants cost $3.98,
baby, you hear?

5
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,585
See that chocolate cake
I bought?

6
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:57,518
The chocolate cake
that was on the counter?

7
00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:59,555
- Yeah.
- Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets.

8
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:03,025
He probably got it in there with the
turkey leg and the sweet potato pie.

9
00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:10,401
Hey, little brother. Show me that
little dance you-all be doing.

10
00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:16,270
Get down, Lester, you is talking!

11
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,570
You move like you're 2 1 .

12
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:22,272
That dance ain't new. lt ain't nothing
but the old shuffle-butt.

13
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:23,939
Well, show me that move.

14
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,210
Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

15
00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:29,219
Can't you see the kids
are trying to put a show on there?

16
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,789
Lester, she ain't your mama.

17
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:35,919
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Junior!

18
00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:40,764
Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.

19
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,560
Come on, baby.
Sing a song for Grandma.

20
00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:46,261
- That's my granddaughter.
- That's my niece.

21
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:54,675
<i>Why do fools fall in love?</i>

22
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:58,215
<i>Why do birds sing so gay?</i>

23
00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:00,852
<i>And lovers await the break of day</i>

24
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:05,116
<i>Why do they fall in love?</i>

25
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:08,590
<i>Why does the rain</i>
<i>Fall from up above?</i>

26
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:11,286
<i>Why do fools fall in love?</i>

27
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,558
<i>Why do they fall in love?</i>

28
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,668
Mama, I got a joke.

29
00:02:23,843 --> 00:02:26,403
Little Eddie got a joke to tell.
Go on, Eddie.

30
00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:27,978
Eddie. Eddie.

31
00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:30,614
I got a joke to tell.

32
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:33,384
Once there was a lion
and a monkey.

33
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,680
The monkey said,
"I can make the weather change."

34
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:37,413
And the lion said,
"No, you can't."

35
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:41,583
So the monkey started
climbing up the tree.

36
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,525
And then he started peeing
on the lion's head.

37
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:48,258
"Now it's raining!"

38
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:50,698
Then he started farting.

39
00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:03,912
"Now there's thunder!"
Then he started doo-dooing.

40
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:17,054
"Now it's snowing!"

41
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:21,496
So the lion said, "Oh, yeah?
Well, I can make the stars come out."

42
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:24,364
And then he kicked him
in the ding-ding.

43
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,437
Thank you.

44
00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:38,340
I love that doo-doo line.
That boy's got talent.

45
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,291
My favorite movie is <i>Trading Places</i>.

46
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:32,302
- <i>48 Hrs</i>. Has to be.
- <i>Trading Places</i>.

47
00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:34,633
- <i>Beverly Hills Cop</i>.
- <i>Delirious</i>.

48
00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:36,399
- <i>Beverly Hills Cop.</i>
- No, <i>48 Hrs.</i>

49
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:37,838
- All of them.
- <i>48 Hrs.</i>

50
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,343
- All of them.
- <i>48 Hrs.</i>

51
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:42,845
I even liked <i>Best Defense</i>.

52
00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,890
I'm looking forward to seeing
him in that leather suit.

53
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,826
- I'm telling you, that behind and all.
- Yeah, he's looking sexy.

54
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,260
- He looks good.
- Handsome.

55
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,605
Thank you.

56
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:53,575
Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit.
Cool out.

57
00:06:54,313 --> 00:06:58,215
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

58
00:06:58,384 --> 00:07:00,978
And hello, New York City!

59
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,621
Thank you for coming out.

60
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,762
Don't let the lights and cameras
throw y'all.

61
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,695
We filming a movie here tonight
and y'all gonna be in this shit.

62
00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:19,834
Except only I'm getting paid
for the motherfucker.

63
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,802
Every now and then
I take a joke too far.

64
00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:25,443
That's why I haven't been
on the road the last three years.

65
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:28,273
Did y'all see <i>Delirious</i>?

66
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:32,817
ln <i>Delirious</i>, I was making fun
out of a lot of entertainers too.

67
00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:35,419
That's when I got scared.
I did some jokes about Mr. T.

68
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:37,818
And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up.
He was...

69
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,890
And I was scared,
because y'all seen Mr. T.

70
00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:42,493
He don't look like, you know,
like he can't fight.

71
00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:44,926
He looks like he can
whip some ass, right?

72
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,622
And I was petrified. I would walk
at parties and people say:

73
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,530
"Yo, man, Mr. T was just here
looking for you."

74
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,603
He was walking up
to people saying:

75
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,899
"I'm gonna whip Eddie Murphy's ass
when I see him."

76
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,102
Then I watched his show,
because I didn't know him,

77
00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,574
to see what kind of guy he was,

78
00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:01,713
and the character on the show
ain't too bright.

79
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:04,941
So I figured if he came up to me,
I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.

80
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:07,642
Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard
you did some jokes about me."

81
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,084
"No, you didn't."
"Maybe I didn't."

82
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:17,052
"I'm gonna go beat up the fool
that told me them lies."

83
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,630
I'd be at parties,
hear he was looking for me,

84
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,858
I would just leave.
I don't wanna fight Mr. T.

85
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,798
Then I found out Michael Jackson
was looking for me. I was like...

86
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:26,871
When Mike...
My manager called me up and said:

87
00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:30,975
"Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad."
I was like, "So?"

88
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:36,281
You know, because I'd fuck Mike up.
You know, Mike...

89
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,847
Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five,
you know.

90
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,386
I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking
for him, but my manager said:

91
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,217
"We don't know everything
about Michael.

92
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:47,757
"He might be this bad motherfucker
behind closed doors.

93
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:51,021
"He's a recluse. Behind closed doors,
he might be completely different."

94
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,722
And I'd be at a party and have
Michael walk up to me one day

95
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,561
and it'd be like this:

96
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,104
"Can I talk to you for a minute?

97
00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:03,135
"Yeah, what's your motherfucking
problem, man?

98
00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:05,436
"Well, how come you keep
fucking with me then, huh?

99
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:09,411
"What's all the motherfucking jokes?
You don't like my clothes?

100
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:12,142
"I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson,
I will bust your ass.

101
00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:13,751
"Get the fuck out, motherfucker...

102
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,411
"I will moonwalk all up and down
your ass, motherfucker.

103
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:19,080
"You mind your
motherfucking business.

104
00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:23,060
"I hear some more shit,
I'm gonna put this glove up your ass.

105
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,129
"I'll see you later."

106
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,364
That's a dumb...
I could never...

107
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:30,729
I've been trying for five months
to do the moonwalk

108
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,632
and I can't do the shit. lt's shitty.

109
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,932
lt's the dumbest dance ever,
because I can't do it,

110
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,472
that's why I say it's stupid.

111
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,042
But how can you do the moonwalk
and ask a woman to dance?

112
00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:42,305
Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby,
come on, let's dance. See you later."

113
00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:46,011
Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid
shit. Michael can do that shit, though.

114
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:47,447
Michael's so famous,

115
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:50,453
Michael went on TV and everything
he says, the public believes.

116
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:51,885
Went on television and said:

117
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:54,185
"I don't have sex because
of my religious beliefs."

118
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,021
And the public believed it.

119
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:59,323
I know brothers were like,
"Get the fuck out of here."

120
00:09:59,498 --> 00:10:03,127
And white people go, "That Michael's
a special kind of guy.

121
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:08,033
"He's special. I mean, he's good,
clean and wholesome."

122
00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:09,970
You know how I knew y'all believed it?

123
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:13,475
Y'all didn't get mad when he took
Brooke Shields to the Grammys.

124
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:16,247
Nobody white said shit.

125
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:20,112
And Brooke Shields
is the whitest woman in America.

126
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:23,182
Miss America every year is Brooke.
Fuck who you see with the crown.

127
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,187
You look up "white woman"
in the dictionary,

128
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,155
be a picture of Brooke like this:

129
00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:29,293
She's white.

130
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,090
And this nigger took her
to the Grammys, nobody said shit.

131
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:33,891
lf I took Brooke Shields
to the Grammys,

132
00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:36,000
y'all would lose your mind.

133
00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:40,066
Because y'all know Brooke
would get fucked that night.

134
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,549
And Brooke knew too.

135
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,478
That's why we going this year.
No...

136
00:10:57,523 --> 00:10:59,889
Stop. Now, see?
I did jokes about...

137
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,687
I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals
a couple years ago

138
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,092
and faggots were mad.
They were like...

139
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:09,564
And they were... There's nothing like
having a nation of fags looking for you.

140
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,260
I'd be at parties... There's always
two or three at a party.

141
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:15,168
They'd be standing around looking
at you, they'd be looking at...

142
00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,408
"He's an asshole."

143
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,249
I can't travel the country
freely no more.

144
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,616
I can't go to San Francisco.

145
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:34,453
They got 24-hour homo watch
waiting for me in the airport.

146
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:36,458
Soon as I got off the plane,
they'd be like:

147
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,826
"He's here, yes. Yes, it's him.
Yes, it's him!"

148
00:11:40,966 --> 00:11:43,161
And the cars would come rushing
across town. lt'd be:

149
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:47,396
And it won't be no siren, it'll be
a real fag sitting on the roof going:

150
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:57,047
"Pull over. Pull over.

151
00:11:57,616 --> 00:12:00,346
"Pull over.
I'm gonna read him his rights.

152
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:02,009
"You have the right to remain silent.

153
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,315
"Anything you say can and will
be held against you.

154
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:07,391
"You have the right to an attorney.
Turn around. I'm gonna frisk you.

155
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,084
"You carrying any concealed
weapons?

156
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:13,027
"Are you carrying...?
What is this? What is this?

157
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,993
"Lay down on the floor
and spread them."

158
00:12:28,547 --> 00:12:31,710
- Do you watch the <i>Bill Cosby Show</i>?
- Yeah!

159
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:33,818
I do too.
I love Bill Cosby's show.

160
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:35,817
I been a big fan of Bill Cosby
all my life.

161
00:12:35,988 --> 00:12:38,650
Never met the man before,
but he called me up about a year ago

162
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:41,588
and chastised me on the phone
for being too dirty on-stage.

163
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,661
lt was real weird,
because I had never met him

164
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:46,992
and he just thought it was... He should
call me up, because he was Bill,

165
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,760
and tell me that he did...
About what comedy is all about.

166
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,130
And I sat and listened
to this man chastise me.

167
00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:54,772
And when Bill Cosby chastises you,
you forget you grown.

168
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,805
You feel like one of
the Cosby kids and shit.

169
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,103
And I ran in the house
all excited to talk to Bill

170
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,439
and picked up the telephone
and Bill got raw on me.

171
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,479
I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?"
And you hear:

172
00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:07,141
"I would like to talk to you...

173
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:17,792
"...about some of the things
that you do in your show.

174
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:29,297
"Now, I'm going to tell you a story."
He always tells you stories.

175
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:36,540
"I would like to tell you a story.
I have five children.

176
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,809
"One, two, three, four, five.
Five... Five children.

177
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:46,788
"I live in Massachusetts with my wife,
Camille, and my five children.

178
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:53,330
"Now, of the five children that we have,
there are four girls and a boy.

179
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:56,525
"The boy's name is Ennis.
He loves everything you do.

180
00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:58,260
"Comes home from school
the other day

181
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:01,634
"with a big smile on his face.
And my son looks just like me.

182
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:06,176
"He walks through the door,
looking at me with this big smile,

183
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:11,647
"and I cannot resist, because
it's such a beautiful smile.

184
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:15,309
"And he walks up and I say,
'What are you smiling about?'

185
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:19,347
"And the child says to me:

186
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:23,621
'I'm smiling because I need money
to go see the Eddie Murphy show.

187
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,730
'Please give me money for a ticket.'

188
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:32,531
"Now, if the child is smiling this way
because he needs money for a ticket,

189
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,503
"I have to give him money
for a ticket.

190
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:37,875
"I do not handle the money
in the house.

191
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,876
"My wife, Camille,
handles the ticket money.

192
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,173
"So I must go into the kitchen,

193
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:46,477
"to where my wife is cooking dinner
for the family.

194
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:49,416
"And she is inside
the kitchen cooking.

195
00:14:49,588 --> 00:14:50,850
"And she's got a bowl.

196
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:53,491
"And she's cooking up the food, man.
She's cooking it up.

197
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:57,720
"And the child walks in the room
with the smile

198
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,455
"and he says,
'Mother, please, money.'

199
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:02,533
"She gives him the money,
he runs off to see your show.

200
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:10,870
"Now, we sit in the living room
waiting for Ennis to return.

201
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:15,377
"At about 5:00 in the morning,
the child comes through the door.

202
00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:18,482
"He has a different look on his face.

203
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:22,886
"A look like he heard something at your
show that he's never heard before.

204
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:26,286
"And I say to my child,
I say, 'Child...'

205
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,687
"I say, 'What did the man say
on the stage?'

206
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,764
"And he says, 'Pop, the man
comes out and says these things.'

207
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,264
"I say, 'Well, what did he say?'

208
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,129
'Pop, he comes out
and says some stuff.'

209
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,565
"I say, 'What did he do?'

210
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:40,068
'Pop, he walks out and he goes:

211
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:42,707
"Hello, suck this, and MF
and kiss my big black stuff.

212
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:46,208
"And suck it and stick it down
in your mouth and suck it, suck it."'

213
00:15:53,252 --> 00:16:00,886
"You cannot say filth, flarn, filth,
flarn, filth in front of people."

214
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:04,518
And I say, "I never said
no 'filth, flarn, filth'."

215
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,096
"You know what I'm talking about.

216
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,460
"I can't use the type of language
that you use,

217
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:12,661
"but you know what I mean when
I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'."

218
00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:14,669
I say, "I never said 'filth, flarn, filth'.

219
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,241
"I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm offended you called. Fuck you."

220
00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:21,003
That's when Bill got pissed and said:

221
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:28,677
"That's what I'm talking about.
You cannot say 'fuck'...

222
00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:33,681
"...in front of people."

223
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:36,020
And I got mad.

224
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:38,095
Because he thought
that was my whole act.

225
00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:41,323
Like I just walked out on-stage
and cursed and left.

226
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,627
I manage to stick in some
jokes between the curses.

227
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:46,600
You couldn't give no curse show.
Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum,

228
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:49,468
"motherfucker, dick, pussy,
snot and shit. Good night.

229
00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:52,303
"Good night. Suck my dick.
Bye-bye."

230
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:56,214
I was pissed off. I was so mad
I called Richard Pryor's house up.

231
00:16:56,382 --> 00:16:58,441
I said, "Yo, Richard,
Bill Cosby just called me up

232
00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:00,448
"and told me I was too dirty."
Richard said:

233
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:04,282
"The next time motherfucker call,
tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.'

234
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:13,462
"I don't give a fuck.

235
00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:16,658
"Whatever the fuck make
the people laugh, say that shit."

236
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:19,030
He said, "Do people laugh
when you say what you say?"

237
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,229
I said, "Yes."
"Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes."

238
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,806
He said, "Well, tell Bill I said:

239
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,443
'Have a Coke and a smile
and shut the fuck up.'

240
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:33,116
"The Jell-O pudding-eating
motherfucker."

241
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:36,047
Richard... Richard is the rawest
motherfucker in show business.

242
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:38,314
Richard's the one that made me
wanna do comedy.

243
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:41,459
When I was little, I wanted to be
Richard Pryor so bad I used to...

244
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:44,061
Remember, you'd sneak in
the basement, put his albums on,

245
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:45,821
and your mother ain't
supposed to hear,

246
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,193
and you're listening to this shit
and I turned it...

247
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:51,734
I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used
to go out on-stage when I was 1 5

248
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,304
and talk and act and walk
and do everything like Richard.

249
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:57,169
My mother would sit there and watch
her 1 5-year-old son on-stage

250
00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:58,604
saying some outlandish shit.

251
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,745
My whole act back then
was about taking a shit,

252
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,904
because that's all I had done at 1 5.

253
00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:05,775
That was my life experience,
but it sounded like Pryor jokes.

254
00:18:05,951 --> 00:18:08,749
I'd be going, "You ever, sometime,
right, you get on that toilet

255
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:12,652
"and when you shit,
that water splash up on your ass?

256
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:16,022
"Don't that make you mad, right?
You know what really make me mad?

257
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:17,958
"lt's when shit come
halfway out your ass,

258
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,621
"then go back up
in that motherfucker.

259
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:25,560
"Right? Why do shit be teasing
your ass, right?

260
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,796
"Just get the fuck out, right?

261
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:29,372
"You know what really bother me

262
00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:31,566
"is when you be straining
for a long time, right?

263
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:34,405
"And one little pebble shit come out.

264
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,413
"Right? Be some shit this big, right?

265
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:39,107
"Push your head
up your asshole, say:

266
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,845
'That's all the shit I'm gonna get,
motherfucker?'

267
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:44,420
"You know what really
make me mad,

268
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:46,217
"when your ass
don't cooperate with you

269
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:49,224
"and clench up
and break the shit in half.

270
00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:50,918
"You be mad
as a motherfucker too,

271
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:52,825
"because you know
you got to wipe your ass

272
00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:55,296
"for, like, five hours and shit, right?

273
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,862
"Use 1 2 rolls of toilet paper
on that motherfucker.

274
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,901
"You know what really make me mad,
though, is afterwards, right?

275
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:06,533
"You done all the shitting you
gonna do for the whole day, right?

276
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:09,647
"You finish shitting and you flush
the toilet and wait a second

277
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,306
"and one chunk come back.

278
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,253
"What does that chunk want?"

279
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,587
That was my act.
My mother sit there shocked.

280
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:20,918
lf you don't speak English,
you can't hear that bit.

281
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,493
All you hear is "shit, ass, shit, shit."

282
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,357
I got a lot of foreigners
that come over.

283
00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:28,625
People from other countries have seen
my films and come over to the U.S.,

284
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,358
because New York
is a tourist place,

285
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:32,299
and they get HBO
and they catch <i>Delirious</i>

286
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:34,598
and they can't speak English
and try to do my act

287
00:19:34,773 --> 00:19:36,070
and all they got is the curses.

288
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,266
I got foreigners from all over
walking up, going:

289
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:41,310
"Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!

290
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:48,976
"Fuck you, Eddie.

291
00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:54,623
"I know you. I see you on television.

292
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:56,954
"You're the 'fuck you' man, right?

293
00:19:57,129 --> 00:20:00,360
"I love it. Suck my dick, huh?

294
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,761
"Suck it, you black motherfucker.

295
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:11,740
"I love it. The best motherfucker.
The 'fuck you' man."

296
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:15,778
Made me stay in the house, man.
Almost got married last year.

297
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,406
Don't you "ooh" and "aah".

298
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,809
Got to get married in the '80s.
I read the papers.

299
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:22,544
I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out."

300
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,246
Hey, you know, read.
You can catch some shit.

301
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:28,018
You can't just keep messing around
like you used to.

302
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:31,185
Eventually, your dick will fall off.

303
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:33,729
Remember...? Remember, like,
VD in the '60s?

304
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,697
That shit don't just sting no more.
Every time they cure something,

305
00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:40,304
it come back stronger.
VD is new and improved now.

306
00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:43,805
They got dudes in the doctor's office
with symptoms like, "Excuse me, doc,

307
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:47,173
"what does it mean when you
go to the bathroom

308
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:49,439
"and fire shoot out your dick?"

309
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:57,618
"Let me get this right.
So you're getting a burning sensation

310
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,620
"when you urinate?"

311
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:03,189
"No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.

312
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:06,991
"A burst of flame fly out my dick
when I pee.

313
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:10,328
"I can't even pee in the house, I burn
my house down. I gotta go outside.

314
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,103
"I was outside peeing,
dude tried to mug me,

315
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,536
"I turned around and burned him up
on the street.

316
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,301
"Because my dick is a blowtorch,
is what I'm trying to say."

317
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,843
Got to be careful.
They say having casual sex nowadays

318
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:23,140
is like playing Russian roulette.

319
00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:26,944
And I know I've thrown my dick
on the crap table many a night.

320
00:21:29,087 --> 00:21:31,248
Looking for Miss Right,
you be gambling every time.

321
00:21:31,423 --> 00:21:34,483
You gambling with your dick, saying,
"Come on, need a woman with a mind.

322
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:37,652
"Come on, now. I need somebody
perfect for me. Give it to me, now!

323
00:21:37,829 --> 00:21:41,196
"Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch.
No, give me my dick back. No.

324
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:43,527
"I'm gonna keep rolling.
I got one more roll in me.

325
00:21:43,702 --> 00:21:46,227
"I want the perfect woman, now.
I want somebody with a mind,

326
00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:48,805
"intelligence, a nice ass and a body.
Give it to me, now!

327
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,204
"Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch.
No, give my dick back.

328
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:53,105
"Give my dick back.
Now, listen, be quiet.

329
00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:55,178
"I'm gonna keep rolling.
This is my last roll.

330
00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:57,247
"This is the last one.
This is the one for me.

331
00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:59,008
"Miss Right. Blow on this for luck.

332
00:21:59,184 --> 00:22:00,947
"This is my last roll.
Come on. Here we go.

333
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:03,781
"Give it to me, now!
Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.

334
00:22:03,955 --> 00:22:07,322
"My dick is fucked up.
My dick is ruined."

335
00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:09,886
So be careful. Get married.

336
00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:11,791
I went out and found
the perfect woman.

337
00:22:11,963 --> 00:22:16,730
Nineteen years old. Beautiful face.
A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her.

338
00:22:16,902 --> 00:22:18,836
And had an ass like this:

339
00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:23,197
And her legs are like:
Her titties are like:

340
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:25,707
She was so fine. She's one
of the people that's so fine,

341
00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:27,606
when you see them,
they make you ugly.

342
00:22:27,779 --> 00:22:30,043
You be like, "Goddamn,
who is that motherfucker?"

343
00:22:30,215 --> 00:22:32,080
She was fine.
I went, I cut all my girls off.

344
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:35,378
I said, "That's it, I'm getting married.
This is it. Gonna be me and her."

345
00:22:35,554 --> 00:22:38,284
I was so happy. And I went out
and I went shopping.

346
00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:41,221
And I was waiting on the line
and I saw the <i>Enquirer</i> magazine

347
00:22:41,393 --> 00:22:42,724
while I was waiting on the line

348
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:44,657
and I saw Johnny Carson
on the front page.

349
00:22:44,830 --> 00:22:47,025
There was a picture of him like this:

350
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,598
Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?"
I turned to the inside story

351
00:22:51,770 --> 00:22:55,103
and his wife was on the other page
and she was like this:

352
00:23:00,178 --> 00:23:03,944
And over her head it said, "Johnny's
wife wants half Johnny's money."

353
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:06,482
I turned that shit back to Johnny.

354
00:23:09,087 --> 00:23:12,955
Then I started thinking about it.
Half.

355
00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:15,821
lf you... lf you have $5

356
00:23:15,994 --> 00:23:19,395
and have to give somebody
$2.50, you'd be upset.

357
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:22,929
Johnny had to have
at least 300 million.

358
00:23:23,101 --> 00:23:26,036
And have to give up $1 50 million?

359
00:23:26,304 --> 00:23:28,295
And they wasn't even married
but ten years.

360
00:23:28,473 --> 00:23:30,668
And $1 50 million? Get...

361
00:23:30,842 --> 00:23:34,141
Give me a fucking break.
What...? What...?

362
00:23:34,312 --> 00:23:37,304
And ladies... Now, here's a woman
right here saying, "Right on."

363
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:39,245
Baby, that's not fair.
Not no 1 50 million.

364
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,749
I see a lot of you ladies going:

365
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:44,719
"Get all the money you can, shit.
I'm glad she did get all that money.

366
00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:48,020
"She earned it. She earned it.
That... You damn right.

367
00:23:48,193 --> 00:23:50,252
"She was married to him,
she deserved that money."

368
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,897
Get the fuck out of my face
with that bullshit.

369
00:23:53,064 --> 00:23:55,760
No. Stop it.

370
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:01,534
No, don't get me wrong.

371
00:24:01,706 --> 00:24:04,539
lf you marry somebody
and neither one of you have anything

372
00:24:04,709 --> 00:24:07,678
and you build 300 million together,
you deserve half.

373
00:24:07,846 --> 00:24:10,872
But Johnny was 300 million in
when they met.

374
00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:13,779
And I'm quite sure she knew.

375
00:24:15,487 --> 00:24:16,784
Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny."

376
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:19,287
She was like, "I know who you are,
motherfucker."

377
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,858
And they got married, broke up,
shit didn't work out.

378
00:24:22,027 --> 00:24:24,587
And then he had to give her
$1 50 million of his money.

379
00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:27,027
I know a lot of housewives
sitting out there going:

380
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,757
"You can't put a price on what I do."

381
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:31,596
But, ladies, if you marry a man
with $300 million,

382
00:24:31,770 --> 00:24:34,830
you ain't no regular housewife. You
ain't got to clean the house no more.

383
00:24:35,006 --> 00:24:37,338
You get a maid.
You ain't cleaning shit!

384
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:41,134
You marry a man with $300 million,
you ain't cooking. You're eating out.

385
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:44,578
You marry... You know how a lot of
housewives gotta get jobs on the side

386
00:24:44,749 --> 00:24:46,011
to help make ends meet?

387
00:24:46,184 --> 00:24:49,449
He got 300 million, the ends
are meeting like a motherfucker.

388
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:55,350
What you gonna do, get a job at
a boutique on the weekends and shit?

389
00:24:55,527 --> 00:24:58,860
And say, "Here, Johnny.
I made $ 70, put that with the rest.

390
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:04,066
"Now we have $300 million and 70.

391
00:25:05,203 --> 00:25:08,502
"Because I want to do my share."
No.

392
00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:11,207
All you have to do, you marry
a man with $300 million,

393
00:25:11,376 --> 00:25:13,105
is fuck your husband.

394
00:25:13,278 --> 00:25:14,745
That's it! That's your job.

395
00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:18,713
Fuck your husband! That's it.
That's... Just fuck your husband.

396
00:25:18,884 --> 00:25:20,715
You fill out a W-2,
they say, "What you do?"

397
00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:24,049
You say, "I fuck my husband."
That's it.

398
00:25:28,093 --> 00:25:29,685
And I've had my share of pussy.

399
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:33,228
I have yet...
Even if the pussy was great

400
00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:35,662
and sparks shot out
the woman's ass

401
00:25:35,834 --> 00:25:38,428
and cannons blared
and the mountains crumbled

402
00:25:38,603 --> 00:25:39,900
and the seas roared,

403
00:25:40,071 --> 00:25:43,871
no pussy is worth $1 50 million!

404
00:25:45,777 --> 00:25:47,608
No pussy.

405
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:53,709
I'd like to meet some pussy like that.

406
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,183
Put the shit on layaway.

407
00:25:57,489 --> 00:26:00,652
That shit scared the shit out of me.
Half? I was petrified.

408
00:26:00,825 --> 00:26:02,725
Man, you know what's real scary

409
00:26:02,894 --> 00:26:05,886
is that American women in the '80s
have become very business-conscious.

410
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:07,326
Y'all the most resourceful

411
00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:11,595
and the most business-smart
women on the planet. Now, in the '80s.

412
00:26:12,203 --> 00:26:15,001
And it would be an asset to us,
as American men,

413
00:26:15,173 --> 00:26:16,902
if you weren't so vindictive.

414
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:18,740
Because the two don't match.

415
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,538
Then, what's really fucked up,
is y'all the most loving people.

416
00:26:21,713 --> 00:26:23,578
American women
are all off into this romance

417
00:26:23,748 --> 00:26:25,648
and they genuinely
fall in love with you.

418
00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:29,913
Now, love and money do not mix.
The shit don't mix.

419
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,215
Especially if you got
a business-smart woman...

420
00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:34,790
You go up and say, "I never met
anybody like you before."

421
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,360
"I never met anyone like you."
"Why don't we be together."

422
00:26:37,529 --> 00:26:39,292
"Will you marry me?"
"I thought you'd never ask."

423
00:26:39,464 --> 00:26:42,399
"Before we get married, why don't
you sign this prenuptial agreement."

424
00:26:46,538 --> 00:26:48,335
"What do you mean,
a prenuptial agreement?"

425
00:26:48,506 --> 00:26:50,804
"That's a contract that stipulates
if we ever break up,

426
00:26:50,976 --> 00:26:54,070
"you take what you had
and I take what I had."

427
00:26:59,951 --> 00:27:03,114
"First of all, I don't give a fuck who
you are and what you have, OK?

428
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:06,223
"You got a lot of motherfucking nerve
by asking me to sign a contract.

429
00:27:06,391 --> 00:27:09,053
"There's nothing a man can do
for me that I can't do for myself.

430
00:27:09,227 --> 00:27:10,888
"You got a whole lot of...
I love you.

431
00:27:11,062 --> 00:27:13,360
"Telling me to sign a contract
to show that I love you?

432
00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:16,591
"lf I need something, I can go to my
family. My family takes care of me."

433
00:27:16,768 --> 00:27:19,931
And men hear all that shit
and we be like this, "OK.

434
00:27:22,073 --> 00:27:23,802
"We don't need no contract."

435
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:26,443
And you don't get a contract
and get married without one

436
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:29,102
and the shit don't work out
and you break up a year later.

437
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,340
She's sitting around
in the kitchen by herself, mad,

438
00:27:32,517 --> 00:27:34,951
trying to figure out a way
to get even with your ass.

439
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,816
"I can't believe that motherfucker
did this to me!

440
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:39,286
"After all the shit I did...

441
00:27:39,457 --> 00:27:42,051
"All the things I did for that
motherfucker, he do this to me?

442
00:27:42,227 --> 00:27:43,819
"Him and his fat bitch
can kiss my ass!

443
00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:45,963
"I don't give a shit about
either one of them.

444
00:27:46,131 --> 00:27:48,326
"I don't want shit from him or her
and I don't care.

445
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,128
"You know something? You know
what I should...? You know...?

446
00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:55,801
"Half!

447
00:27:56,474 --> 00:27:58,874
"I'll take half his shit!"

448
00:27:59,577 --> 00:28:00,839
And they'll get it.

449
00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:05,108
They'll get half your money,
your house, your car, alimony,

450
00:28:05,283 --> 00:28:06,944
child support and your children.

451
00:28:07,118 --> 00:28:10,315
You will be on the cover
of the <i>Enquirer</i> like this:

452
00:28:11,890 --> 00:28:14,120
So be careful!

453
00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:16,088
I started having nightmares.

454
00:28:16,261 --> 00:28:19,389
I was waking up in the middle
of the night like this: "Half!"

455
00:28:23,168 --> 00:28:25,500
Because I'm into American women.
I like American women.

456
00:28:25,670 --> 00:28:27,865
I got a friend
got a Japanese girlfriend.

457
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:30,940
And Japanese women are
the most docile women on the planet.

458
00:28:31,109 --> 00:28:33,873
They're real... They're real timid,
timid, timid, timid women.

459
00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:36,343
I walked in the house
and his friend, Japanese girl,

460
00:28:36,514 --> 00:28:37,913
bowed to me when I walked in.

461
00:28:38,083 --> 00:28:40,483
I said, "What's wrong
with your wife's back and shit?"

462
00:28:40,652 --> 00:28:42,517
He said, "That's a Japanese thing.
They bow."

463
00:28:42,687 --> 00:28:44,814
And I was like,
"Miss, did you decorate the house?"

464
00:28:44,989 --> 00:28:46,820
She looked at her husband,
he did like this:

465
00:28:46,991 --> 00:28:48,253
"You may speak."
And she spoke.

466
00:28:48,426 --> 00:28:51,953
And I was like, "Now, that's
pussy control for you, there."

467
00:28:54,299 --> 00:28:56,460
You know, because I'm used
to American women saying:

468
00:28:56,634 --> 00:28:58,192
"You don't own me."

469
00:28:58,670 --> 00:29:00,638
"Hey, baby, where you going?"

470
00:29:08,179 --> 00:29:11,740
"Excuse me?"
"I said, where you going?"

471
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:13,975
"You don't own me."

472
00:29:14,152 --> 00:29:17,918
"You my woman, ain't you?"
"I don't see no rings on these fingers.

473
00:29:18,857 --> 00:29:20,552
"Are you gonna put a ring
on this finger?

474
00:29:20,725 --> 00:29:22,750
"Well, I..."
"Then you don't own me then, OK?

475
00:29:22,927 --> 00:29:25,225
"I don't give a fuck
who you are or what you have, OK?

476
00:29:25,396 --> 00:29:28,024
"You got a whole lot of nerve,
come and ask me where I'm going.

477
00:29:28,199 --> 00:29:30,724
"I don't answer to my father,
I ain't gonna answer to no man.

478
00:29:30,902 --> 00:29:32,665
"Ain't no man gonna tell me
where I can go.

479
00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:34,099
"Who do you think you are?

480
00:29:34,272 --> 00:29:36,433
"To come and ask me where
I'm going? Nobody owns me.

481
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,099
"I own myself.
I am my own person."

482
00:29:40,645 --> 00:29:43,876
And we hear all that shit,
then be, "OK."

483
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:49,075
"Well, where you gonna be?"
"I'm gonna be where I'm at!

484
00:29:50,688 --> 00:29:53,851
"You don't own me!"
Well, you don't.

485
00:29:54,025 --> 00:29:56,619
You don't own your woman.
"You gonna put a ring on my finger?"

486
00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:58,456
That shuts you right up.
You say, "OK."

487
00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:00,757
I know you spend a lot of your money
on your woman.

488
00:30:00,932 --> 00:30:03,696
And I know you go to the movies
and you go to get the ice cream

489
00:30:03,868 --> 00:30:06,701
and the candy and the flowers
and the anklets and the bracelets

490
00:30:06,871 --> 00:30:08,236
and help her get some clothes.

491
00:30:08,406 --> 00:30:11,239
You spending all your money
on shit you ain't never spent it on.

492
00:30:11,409 --> 00:30:12,671
But you don't own her.

493
00:30:12,844 --> 00:30:16,143
Because theoretically,
that pussy's on lease.

494
00:30:18,149 --> 00:30:22,347
You're leasing the pussy.
With an option to buy.

495
00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:32,791
But be careful, because
you lose half on the trade-in.

496
00:30:32,964 --> 00:30:35,797
You got to be careful.
You gotta have a J-O-B in the '80s.

497
00:30:35,967 --> 00:30:38,527
You gotta have some money,
you can't get no pussy.

498
00:30:38,703 --> 00:30:40,534
Listen to the radio.
That's what it's about.

499
00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:43,401
Listen to Madonna.
"I'm a material girl in a material world,

500
00:30:43,575 --> 00:30:46,271
"you ain't got no money,
you can't have no pussy."

501
00:30:46,544 --> 00:30:48,011
There's a song out now called

502
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:51,307
"Got to Have a J-O-B
lf You Wanna Be With Me."

503
00:30:53,051 --> 00:30:56,111
And the lyrics go,
"Ain't nothing going on but the rent."

504
00:30:56,287 --> 00:30:57,549
Like if you went up and said:

505
00:30:57,722 --> 00:31:00,247
"Hey, baby, what's going on?"
"The rent, motherfucker."

506
00:31:01,259 --> 00:31:05,059
"You have a job?" "Well, I..."
"Then get the fuck out my face."

507
00:31:06,764 --> 00:31:09,562
Got to have some money. lt says,
"No romance without finance."

508
00:31:09,734 --> 00:31:11,429
And women love them songs.
They be going:

509
00:31:11,603 --> 00:31:16,006
<i>Got to have a J-O-B</i>
<i>lf you wanna be with me</i>

510
00:31:16,908 --> 00:31:18,205
Janet Jackson got a hit record:

511
00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:20,606
"What Have You Done
For Me Lately".

512
00:31:20,778 --> 00:31:23,372
That's what they thinking.
"What have you done for me lately?"

513
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:24,845
The record start off like that.

514
00:31:25,016 --> 00:31:28,452
"I know he used to do shit for you,
but what has he done for you lately?"

515
00:31:29,854 --> 00:31:33,483
"Baby, I love you."
"What have you done for me lately?"

516
00:31:34,525 --> 00:31:38,621
"You the only thing on my mind."
"What have you done for me lately?"

517
00:31:38,930 --> 00:31:42,923
"We make good love."
"What have you done for me lately?"

518
00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:45,598
Got to have some money
to get some pussy in the '80s.

519
00:31:45,803 --> 00:31:48,567
lt's fucked up, that's why I say,
hey, I'm a target.

520
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:52,836
lf I ever get married, I have to go off
to the woods of Africa

521
00:31:53,011 --> 00:31:56,970
and find me some crazy,
naked, zebra bitch...

522
00:31:58,182 --> 00:32:02,482
...that knows nothing about money.
She got to be butt naked on a zebra

523
00:32:02,654 --> 00:32:06,454
with a big bone in her nose
and a big plate lip

524
00:32:06,624 --> 00:32:08,751
and a big, fucked-up Afro!

525
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:12,556
Her Afro... Afro gotta...
Like, Angela Davis see it and go:

526
00:32:12,730 --> 00:32:14,857
"Goddamn, that's some
fucked-up shit."

527
00:32:15,033 --> 00:32:16,364
Afro gotta be fucked up

528
00:32:16,534 --> 00:32:18,559
and one of them picks
with a fist in the back.

529
00:32:18,736 --> 00:32:21,068
And she gotta be butt naked,
because if she got clothes,

530
00:32:21,239 --> 00:32:23,207
she gonna have to put
something in the pockets.

531
00:32:23,374 --> 00:32:26,309
She's gotta be butt naked on
the zebra. And y'all think it's a joke.

532
00:32:26,477 --> 00:32:29,002
I'm gonna walk up and say,
"Hey, how you doing? My name's..."

533
00:32:29,180 --> 00:32:30,442
And she go:

534
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:33,743
I say, "Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy."
And I'm gonna bring her home.

535
00:32:33,918 --> 00:32:37,012
Y'all gonna go past a newsstand one
day and see me on the cover of <i>JET</i>

536
00:32:37,188 --> 00:32:40,282
with some woman with a big bone
and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro,

537
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:43,188
butt naked, and y'all gonna say,
"Eddie must be visiting Africa."

538
00:32:43,361 --> 00:32:45,761
lt'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush Bitch."
I'm gonna be like:

539
00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:49,724
What?

540
00:32:50,935 --> 00:32:52,562
What?

541
00:32:52,837 --> 00:32:54,828
Because I ain't getting caught.

542
00:32:55,006 --> 00:32:57,406
I refuse to get caught out there.
Fuck that.

543
00:32:57,575 --> 00:33:00,373
And I'm gonna bring her home
and lock her up in the house.

544
00:33:00,545 --> 00:33:02,536
You go off to Africa
and get you a bush woman,

545
00:33:02,714 --> 00:33:05,148
you can't let her mingle
with American women.

546
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:07,341
Because they'll change her shit up.

547
00:33:07,518 --> 00:33:09,850
American women stick together.
Last thing they wanna see

548
00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:12,455
is you got some trained
bush bitch in your house.

549
00:33:12,623 --> 00:33:14,523
They will catch her by herself
in the kitchen

550
00:33:14,692 --> 00:33:16,683
and throw a monkey wrench
in your whole program.

551
00:33:17,261 --> 00:33:19,889
They get her alone, they be like,
"I can't stand the way you be

552
00:33:20,064 --> 00:33:22,464
"doing everything he tell you to do.
You a human being.

553
00:33:22,633 --> 00:33:25,466
"This house is too big for one person
to clean. Why don't you leave?

554
00:33:25,636 --> 00:33:27,934
"You always crying. Just leave him.
You know something?

555
00:33:28,106 --> 00:33:31,473
"Do you know you could take half
his money? Did you know that?

556
00:33:31,642 --> 00:33:33,633
"He didn't tell you
you were entitled to half?

557
00:33:33,811 --> 00:33:35,210
"He only told you half the story.

558
00:33:35,380 --> 00:33:38,076
"You can take half the money,
the car, the house, the children.

559
00:33:38,249 --> 00:33:40,217
"You can buy all the zebras
and bones you want.

560
00:33:40,385 --> 00:33:42,945
"Go back home in style, girl.
And get your hair done right.

561
00:33:43,121 --> 00:33:46,090
"Cut that Afro off, go back home
in style. Who the hell he think he is?

562
00:33:46,257 --> 00:33:47,781
"Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy.

563
00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:51,087
"That motherfucker ain't nothing but...
Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?

564
00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:54,428
"Oh, I didn't know you was here.
You scared me.

565
00:33:54,599 --> 00:33:58,933
"No, I can't stay. I was just talking
to Uhmfufu about a couple of things.

566
00:33:59,103 --> 00:34:02,231
"No, no, no, I got to go. I got to...
You two... Y'all two lovebirds talk.

567
00:34:02,407 --> 00:34:04,034
"Eddie, talk to your...
Talk to Uhmfufu.

568
00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:08,736
"Y'all got a lot to talk about. Go on,
Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..."

569
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:16,283
And leave me in the kitchen with
some bush bitch with an attitude.

570
00:34:18,022 --> 00:34:19,853
"Eddie!

571
00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:22,990
"Eddie!

572
00:34:23,761 --> 00:34:26,525
"I want to talk to you!"

573
00:34:30,001 --> 00:34:31,263
"What's your problem, baby?"

574
00:34:31,436 --> 00:34:34,200
"I don't like the way
you treat me, Eddie.

575
00:34:34,372 --> 00:34:37,136
"You treat me like animal."

576
00:34:40,144 --> 00:34:43,443
"You was butt naked
on a zebra last month."

577
00:34:43,681 --> 00:34:45,706
"I don't care, Eddie.
I am American woman now.

578
00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:48,249
"I want what's coming to me.

579
00:34:48,453 --> 00:34:53,083
"Eddie, what have you
done for me lately?"

580
00:35:01,299 --> 00:35:03,699
"I want you to be happy.
Well, what you want?"

581
00:35:03,868 --> 00:35:05,529
"Half!

582
00:35:06,170 --> 00:35:11,733
"Give me half, Eddie.
Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man.

583
00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:16,037
"Suck my dick, Eddie.

584
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:19,276
"You motherfucker."

585
00:35:20,485 --> 00:35:24,319
Then I'd be on the front page
of the African <i>Enquirer</i> like this:

586
00:35:26,190 --> 00:35:28,784
So be careful.
Don't get caught in a trap.

587
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,326
Any woman can get
any man she wants

588
00:35:31,496 --> 00:35:34,659
if she puts her mind and pussy to it.
They can have you.

589
00:35:34,832 --> 00:35:37,858
They have figured us out. We're very
easy creatures to figure out.

590
00:35:38,035 --> 00:35:40,663
And women know all they have
to do is cater to our egos enough

591
00:35:40,838 --> 00:35:43,807
and they can have you. Guys,
how many times have you fucked

592
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:47,433
some ugly bitch that just kept hanging
around and you had to fuck her?

593
00:35:47,612 --> 00:35:50,809
And then afterwards you be like this,
"I can't believe I fucked this bitch."

594
00:35:50,982 --> 00:35:52,540
They just cater to your ego.

595
00:35:52,717 --> 00:35:54,275
Sometimes you'll see
a real ugly bitch

596
00:35:54,452 --> 00:35:56,477
with a handsome dude.
You say, "How that happen?"

597
00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:58,212
Dude's going,
"Yeah, how that happen?"

598
00:35:58,389 --> 00:36:01,825
Because she catered to his ego.
They can figure us out.

599
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:04,291
Guys, don't get trapped.
We'll call them "pussy traps".

600
00:36:04,462 --> 00:36:05,724
Let's call them pussy traps.

601
00:36:05,897 --> 00:36:07,626
lt's a trap.
They trap you with the pussy.

602
00:36:07,798 --> 00:36:10,096
They catch you with the pussy, see.
And it's a trap.

603
00:36:10,268 --> 00:36:12,429
The most common trap
is to not give you any, though.

604
00:36:12,603 --> 00:36:14,594
Don't think, "Maybe you're
gonna put a trap on."

605
00:36:14,772 --> 00:36:17,832
The most common is when you ain't
getting any at all, that's the trap.

606
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:20,136
When you meet a woman
and everything is perfect

607
00:36:20,311 --> 00:36:22,541
and she won't do anything,
it's a trap.

608
00:36:22,713 --> 00:36:25,807
Sometimes it backfires, because a lot
of women play these games with sex.

609
00:36:25,983 --> 00:36:29,350
And ladies like sex just as much as we
do, guys, but they act like they don't.

610
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:32,045
But they do.
There's not a woman...

611
00:36:32,223 --> 00:36:33,554
There's not a woman in this room

612
00:36:33,724 --> 00:36:36,625
that wouldn't rather be somewhere
else with a nice stiff one in them.

613
00:36:36,794 --> 00:36:39,456
Don't you let them fool you.

614
00:36:40,565 --> 00:36:44,057
They like it just as much as us.
See, ladies sitting there going:

615
00:36:44,235 --> 00:36:46,294
"That's true.

616
00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:49,533
"He's funny, but he's not that funny.

617
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:52,540
"I'll take a dick over a smile any day.
Yes, I will."

618
00:36:52,710 --> 00:36:55,178
They like it just as much as us,
but they play these games.

619
00:36:55,346 --> 00:36:56,938
Know where it backfires
on you, ladies?

620
00:36:57,114 --> 00:36:59,241
When you go meet a guy,
he wants you, you want him,

621
00:36:59,417 --> 00:37:01,180
you like each other,
everything is perfect,

622
00:37:01,352 --> 00:37:03,013
but you won't do anything.
He say, "Let's go."

623
00:37:03,187 --> 00:37:05,314
You say, "No, I'm not gonna do it."
And after that,

624
00:37:05,489 --> 00:37:09,425
he don't like you no more.
But he still wants to fuck you.

625
00:37:09,594 --> 00:37:13,257
So he waits.
He be like, "Okay, I'll wait.

626
00:37:13,598 --> 00:37:16,328
"Goodnight."
And you wait.

627
00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:18,058
You wait three months.

628
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:20,636
Then you finally get it
and she's like this, "I'm yours."

629
00:37:20,805 --> 00:37:23,239
And you go, "Fuck you, bitch!"

630
00:37:25,476 --> 00:37:29,037
"Fuck you and your pussy.
Get the fuck out of my face."

631
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:32,511
Be careful. Don't get trapped.

632
00:37:32,683 --> 00:37:34,844
The most common trap
is to not give you any.

633
00:37:35,019 --> 00:37:36,850
Let me hear the men clap
that are with women

634
00:37:37,021 --> 00:37:40,013
that you've never slept with before.
Let me hear you clap, truthfully.

635
00:37:41,325 --> 00:37:43,122
Look at the ladies going,
"Stop clapping."

636
00:37:43,294 --> 00:37:45,762
Shame on you. You should've
fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.

637
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:47,659
Shame on you.
Y'all should've fucked them.

638
00:37:47,832 --> 00:37:49,766
These men like you
and you just won't do it,

639
00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:52,664
because you're trying to trap...
Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you.

640
00:37:52,837 --> 00:37:55,499
This is what is going on inside
your house every night.

641
00:37:55,673 --> 00:37:58,665
"Baby, come on, now, please."
She go, "No, stop it. Stop it. Stop."

642
00:37:58,843 --> 00:38:01,573
"Baby, come on. Would you stop?"
"Oh, stop. Can we please stop?

643
00:38:01,746 --> 00:38:03,008
"Are we gonna go too far?"

644
00:38:03,180 --> 00:38:05,045
"I want it to go too far.
Come on now, baby."

645
00:38:05,216 --> 00:38:09,050
"We could... Stop.
I just don't think the time is right."

646
00:38:10,588 --> 00:38:13,682
"Well, my dick don't get
much harder than this.

647
00:38:16,093 --> 00:38:18,152
"I been waiting three months.
What's the problem?"

648
00:38:18,329 --> 00:38:19,921
"I don't wanna fuck.
I wanna make love.

649
00:38:20,097 --> 00:38:23,430
"I've had too many relationships that
didn't work out. You're special to me.

650
00:38:23,601 --> 00:38:25,660
"I know all the girls do everything
that you want.

651
00:38:25,836 --> 00:38:28,828
"And I don't wanna go through...
Why are you doing this...?"

652
00:38:29,006 --> 00:38:32,772
And men see those tears
and we be, "OK.

653
00:38:34,879 --> 00:38:37,279
"We don't have to do nothing."

654
00:38:37,615 --> 00:38:40,379
Then you go out and your friends be,
"Yo, man, you fuck her yet?"

655
00:38:40,551 --> 00:38:41,984
"No."

656
00:38:43,387 --> 00:38:46,515
"Why not?"
"She's special.

657
00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:49,520
"She said she don't wanna fuck,
she wanna make love."

658
00:38:49,694 --> 00:38:52,629
Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking
and making love, let's be real.

659
00:38:52,797 --> 00:38:56,528
I mean, the physical act...
I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with.

660
00:38:56,701 --> 00:38:59,966
But I ain't making love to nobody.
I get into bed...

661
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,397
I get into bed...

662
00:39:02,873 --> 00:39:04,773
I get into bed...

663
00:39:04,942 --> 00:39:07,467
When you get into bed, would you
rather have somebody say:

664
00:39:07,645 --> 00:39:08,907
"Oh, make love to me"

665
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:12,572
or grab the back of your head and say,
"Fuck the shit out of me.

666
00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:17,585
"You motherfucker.

667
00:39:17,755 --> 00:39:21,122
"Just fuck, mother...
Fuck me, goddamn it."

668
00:39:21,292 --> 00:39:22,884
You want somebody
in the bed with you:

669
00:39:23,060 --> 00:39:26,496
"Oh, darling, I want to make
love to you." That type of shit.

670
00:39:32,837 --> 00:39:34,998
"You a motherfucker..."

671
00:39:37,408 --> 00:39:40,707
I'm a realist. But they'll tell you, "I don't
wanna fuck, I wanna make love."

672
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:43,938
And they make you wait. And you wait
and wait and wait and wait.

673
00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:49,052
And you just keep on waiting, you just
wait and finally she gives you some.

674
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,780
And it's the best
you ever had in your life.

675
00:39:52,123 --> 00:39:54,614
You come harder
than you've ever came.

676
00:39:54,792 --> 00:39:59,195
"This was it. This was the feeling I've
been searching for. I finally made love."

677
00:39:59,363 --> 00:40:02,161
You didn't make love.
lt just felt real good. You know why?

678
00:40:02,333 --> 00:40:05,325
Because you waited
five months for it.

679
00:40:06,771 --> 00:40:11,003
lf you're starving and somebody
throw you a cracker,

680
00:40:11,175 --> 00:40:12,437
you gonna be like this:

681
00:40:12,610 --> 00:40:15,078
"Goddamn, that's the best cracker
I ever ate in my life!

682
00:40:16,147 --> 00:40:18,877
"That ain't no regular cracker, was it?
What was that, a Saltine?

683
00:40:19,049 --> 00:40:20,346
"Goddamn, that was delicious.

684
00:40:20,518 --> 00:40:23,749
"That wasn't no Saltine. That was...
That was a Ritz. That wasn't a Ritz?

685
00:40:23,921 --> 00:40:26,515
"God, that was the best cracker
I ever ate in my life.

686
00:40:26,690 --> 00:40:29,022
"Can I have another one, please?
Please, one more."

687
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:32,396
Then you get married, because
you think you've found the bomb.

688
00:40:32,563 --> 00:40:35,964
Have the same crackers
every day for a year.

689
00:40:36,133 --> 00:40:38,101
And you roll over one day
and be like:

690
00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:42,603
"Hey, I just got some
regular old crackers."

691
00:40:43,407 --> 00:40:45,967
Try to leave? Half!

692
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:49,413
So be careful. Marry someone
that's not gonna fool around on you.

693
00:40:49,580 --> 00:40:51,172
Which would be hard
to do in the '80s,

694
00:40:51,348 --> 00:40:53,509
because everybody's
fucking each other nowadays.

695
00:40:53,684 --> 00:40:55,549
lt's like Fuckfest '8 7.

696
00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:58,620
Everybody... Everybody is fucking
and it really... lt's getting bad.

697
00:40:58,789 --> 00:41:01,883
Let me hear the women clap that
are loyal to their men, truthfully.

698
00:41:02,059 --> 00:41:03,856
Let me hear you clap.

699
00:41:06,730 --> 00:41:10,188
OK, now, let me hear... Let me hear
the women clap that have men

700
00:41:10,367 --> 00:41:13,768
that are loyal to them, truthfully.

701
00:41:18,709 --> 00:41:22,338
Yeah, I see. Y'all some disillusioned
ladies clapping right now.

702
00:41:23,781 --> 00:41:25,339
Let me hear the men clap.

703
00:41:25,516 --> 00:41:29,043
Let me hear the men clap
that are loyal to their women.

704
00:41:31,255 --> 00:41:35,316
Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop.

705
00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:39,224
Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.

706
00:41:39,396 --> 00:41:42,422
Fuck, there ain't no such thing as
a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers.

707
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,535
Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you're
clapping is because your woman's

708
00:41:45,703 --> 00:41:48,604
sitting next to you right now
when I asked you.

709
00:41:51,609 --> 00:41:54,635
When I asked the question,
she looked at you like this:

710
00:41:58,749 --> 00:42:01,183
"You gonna put your hands together?

711
00:42:01,952 --> 00:42:05,046
"You better stomp your feet and light
a match for this pussy, goddamn it.

712
00:42:05,222 --> 00:42:08,953
"Stand up and clap.
Stand your ass up and clap."

713
00:42:11,695 --> 00:42:14,255
"She's number one!"

714
00:42:14,431 --> 00:42:16,399
Get the fuck out.
No such thing as a loyal man.

715
00:42:16,567 --> 00:42:19,229
Ladies, do not be fooled. I know
some men have some strong raps

716
00:42:19,403 --> 00:42:21,564
and they'll have you believing it.
No loyal men.

717
00:42:21,839 --> 00:42:23,204
All men fuck other women.

718
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:27,333
We are low by nature
and have to do it.

719
00:42:27,511 --> 00:42:29,945
We are men.
All men do it.

720
00:42:30,114 --> 00:42:33,641
We have to do it.
We are men. lt is a man thing.

721
00:42:33,817 --> 00:42:37,719
Men must find and conquer
as much pussy as they can get.

722
00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:41,051
Do not think for two seconds that you
are the only one your man is fucking.

723
00:42:41,225 --> 00:42:43,489
He is a man
and has to conquer women.

724
00:42:43,661 --> 00:42:45,925
I see a lot of you good women
sitting out there going:

725
00:42:46,096 --> 00:42:49,065
"Not my man."
Yes, your man too.

726
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:51,792
Your man too.

727
00:42:51,969 --> 00:42:55,666
lf he's not here with you tonight,
he fucking somebody.

728
00:42:56,540 --> 00:42:59,407
Because he is a man.
lt has nothing to do with you.

729
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,272
You can have the best pussy
in the world.

730
00:43:01,445 --> 00:43:05,643
There can be a cape hanging
out your pussy with a big S on it.

731
00:43:06,183 --> 00:43:09,277
Your man's still gonna go fuck
somebody else, because he is a man.

732
00:43:09,453 --> 00:43:11,648
lt is a dick thing.
Do not try to understand it.

733
00:43:11,822 --> 00:43:14,655
You have to have a dick
to understand this. We are men.

734
00:43:14,992 --> 00:43:17,620
I know a lot of guys sitting out there
right now like this too:

735
00:43:17,795 --> 00:43:20,093
"Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!

736
00:43:28,706 --> 00:43:31,869
"I ain't spent all my money
for this, motherfucker!"

737
00:43:32,042 --> 00:43:34,977
You gonna be driving home tonight
with your wife in the car like this:

738
00:43:35,145 --> 00:43:38,376
"You don't really be fooling around like
Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?"

739
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,461
"No, baby. That's just jokes.

740
00:43:54,698 --> 00:43:57,360
"That Ed sure is funny, ain't he?

741
00:43:57,601 --> 00:44:00,570
"Why don't we change the subject.
Let's talk about something different.

742
00:44:00,738 --> 00:44:04,367
"I don't wanna talk about this stuff."
"I do wanna talk about this stuff.

743
00:44:04,541 --> 00:44:07,271
"Why does he have to lie to me?
I think he was telling the truth.

744
00:44:07,444 --> 00:44:10,379
"lf you fooled around, I would be so
hurt and disgusted, I would wait

745
00:44:10,547 --> 00:44:13,607
"until you went to sleep, I would come
inside the room and kill you."

746
00:44:14,051 --> 00:44:18,317
- Thanks, Eddie!
- We love you!

747
00:44:18,956 --> 00:44:21,356
"Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.

748
00:44:21,525 --> 00:44:23,390
"I ain't got to worry.
As much as I love you,

749
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:26,893
"I wouldn't fool around.
Let's talk about the Richard Pryor."

750
00:44:27,064 --> 00:44:28,895
"I don't wanna talk about
the Richard Pryor.

751
00:44:29,066 --> 00:44:31,364
"I wanna talk about this,
because if you fooled around,

752
00:44:31,535 --> 00:44:33,162
"I would be so hurt,
you know what I would do?"

753
00:44:33,337 --> 00:44:35,567
"What would you do, baby,
take half?"

754
00:44:39,443 --> 00:44:41,035
"No, I'd wait till you went to sleep

755
00:44:41,211 --> 00:44:44,442
"and I'd come inside the room
and cut your dick off."

756
00:44:49,687 --> 00:44:52,622
"Don't be talking about
cutting off my dick."

757
00:44:52,790 --> 00:44:55,623
"Well, you don't be putting your dick
in nobody else, then."

758
00:44:55,793 --> 00:44:59,889
"Well, I don't play that shit. You cut off
my dick, you better run, goddamn it.

759
00:45:00,064 --> 00:45:01,793
"Stop making them dick threats."

760
00:45:01,965 --> 00:45:03,830
The woman's favorite...
Y'all always make...

761
00:45:04,001 --> 00:45:06,731
The woman's favorite threat is,
"I'll do something to your dick."

762
00:45:06,904 --> 00:45:09,634
"lf a man do this, I kick him in his nuts.
A man put his hands...

763
00:45:09,807 --> 00:45:12,640
"Don't you put your hands on me,
I'm gonna kick you where it hurts."

764
00:45:12,810 --> 00:45:17,008
Dick threats. Y'all don't realize
how sensitive nuts are, do you?

765
00:45:17,481 --> 00:45:20,006
Men don't like to hear a threat like that.
You hear somebody:

766
00:45:20,184 --> 00:45:22,618
"I'll kick you in the nuts."
lt make you wince, be like:

767
00:45:22,786 --> 00:45:24,947
"Change the subject, please."

768
00:45:25,255 --> 00:45:27,815
You don't have to kick
no nuts to hurt nobody.

769
00:45:27,991 --> 00:45:31,051
You could just graze nuts.

770
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,822
And the man would be fucked up.

771
00:45:33,997 --> 00:45:37,228
And that pain is worse, because
it don't set in for, like, ten seconds.

772
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:39,392
You be wondering if it's gonna hurt.

773
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:43,506
You say, "I wonder,
did that hit my nuts, just...?"

774
00:45:47,044 --> 00:45:49,877
There's no getting around it.
"I'll kick you in your nuts."

775
00:45:50,047 --> 00:45:52,038
You don't have to kick.
You could just graze it.

776
00:45:52,216 --> 00:45:54,741
Y'all do that... You ever have
a woman play-fight with you?

777
00:45:54,918 --> 00:45:56,977
Your man get serious
when they threaten your dick.

778
00:45:57,154 --> 00:45:58,849
You be, "Hey, baby, come on."
And she go:

779
00:45:59,022 --> 00:46:01,582
You say, "Hey, hey, hey.

780
00:46:03,460 --> 00:46:05,894
"I think playtime is over.

781
00:46:06,163 --> 00:46:09,064
"Getting a little crazy." That's why men
don't like to handle babies.

782
00:46:09,233 --> 00:46:13,067
Them little babies with them
high-top white shoes on

783
00:46:13,237 --> 00:46:15,728
with the real hard bottoms.
When they about 1 years old,

784
00:46:15,906 --> 00:46:18,101
you pick them up
and their leg muscles be strong

785
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,470
and they stomp you
in the nuts with both feet.

786
00:46:20,644 --> 00:46:23,374
And both of y'all be dribbling.
You be like:

787
00:46:26,583 --> 00:46:28,448
And their mother think
you talking baby talk.

788
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:31,383
"Oh, that's so cute,
the way they talking."

789
00:46:32,489 --> 00:46:35,219
"Yeah, go to your mother, please."
"What's the matter, he stink?"

790
00:46:35,392 --> 00:46:37,986
"No, I'm about to throw
this motherfucker someplace.

791
00:46:38,162 --> 00:46:42,223
"Get a little older, I'm gonna kick
you in your nuts, see how you like it."

792
00:46:42,733 --> 00:46:45,930
"I kick him in his nuts." Always talking
about kicking somebody in the nuts.

793
00:46:46,103 --> 00:46:48,628
You know what, ladies?
I had a woman ask me the other day:

794
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:51,604
"You know why I say my thing?
I wanna know why all men fool around.

795
00:46:51,775 --> 00:46:54,039
"Why, why, why? I do everything
my man wants me to do

796
00:46:54,211 --> 00:46:57,612
"and he still fools around. Why?
I cook, I clean, I fuck.

797
00:46:57,781 --> 00:46:59,840
"I come and go as he says.
Why, why, why?"

798
00:47:00,017 --> 00:47:02,008
Then you call up your girlfriends
and go, "Why?"

799
00:47:02,186 --> 00:47:03,744
She go, "I don't know.
My man ain't home." "Why?"

800
00:47:03,921 --> 00:47:05,479
Then you call up your mother
and say, "Mama, why?"

801
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,124
She go, "I don't know, your father
ain't home." "Why? Why?"

802
00:47:08,358 --> 00:47:11,384
I'll tell you why all men fool around.

803
00:47:11,562 --> 00:47:14,224
- <i>Why?</i>
- Hear the ladies go, "Why?"

804
00:47:14,398 --> 00:47:16,423
Men fool around because of this.

805
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:20,263
Look at all the women in the audience
right now looking up here like this:

806
00:47:24,274 --> 00:47:27,505
We fool around because
we figured women out.

807
00:47:28,946 --> 00:47:30,880
We did.
See, a lot of you ladies going:

808
00:47:31,048 --> 00:47:32,709
"What does he mean,
he figured us out?"

809
00:47:32,883 --> 00:47:36,319
And dumb niggas going, "Yeah, what
does he mean, we figured them out?"

810
00:47:37,454 --> 00:47:39,581
We figured you out in this sense,
and this is true.

811
00:47:39,756 --> 00:47:43,248
Anybody's ever done this
will agree with what I'm saying.

812
00:47:43,427 --> 00:47:46,487
Any woman that's ever had this done
to her will agree what I'm gonna say.

813
00:47:46,663 --> 00:47:49,063
Those of you who've never
done this will go, "I disagree."

814
00:47:49,233 --> 00:47:53,499
But once you make
a woman come real hard,

815
00:47:53,804 --> 00:47:56,295
once you make a woman say:

816
00:47:57,174 --> 00:48:00,268
No matter how bad you fuck up,
no matter what you do wrong,

817
00:48:00,444 --> 00:48:03,902
no matter what you say, no matter
what you do, as long as you say:

818
00:48:04,081 --> 00:48:08,108
"I'm sorry," she will listen to your story.
And that's the truth.

819
00:48:08,285 --> 00:48:14,019
That's the God's honest truth.
lt is the truth. Stop it. lt's the truth.

820
00:48:14,191 --> 00:48:17,024
lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon
as y'all make that noise,

821
00:48:17,194 --> 00:48:19,719
your relationship will change
with your man. Because we know.

822
00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:21,660
We wait on that noise.
We waiting on it.

823
00:48:21,832 --> 00:48:24,960
Because we know we can act different
as soon as you go:

824
00:48:25,369 --> 00:48:28,395
We know we can act the fool then.
Remember when your man

825
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,564
couldn't make it, he would call?
No more of that shit. He heard you go:

826
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,142
Remember he wanted to spend all his
free time with you? No more of that.

827
00:48:34,311 --> 00:48:36,142
You made that noise.
Your man can act crazy.

828
00:48:36,313 --> 00:48:38,178
We know as soon as you go:

829
00:48:38,348 --> 00:48:42,307
Our face is in the pillow like this,
"I got this motherfucker now, boy."

830
00:48:42,486 --> 00:48:43,748
Then you start talking to her:

831
00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,889
"Whose pussy is this?
Whose pussy is this?"

832
00:48:46,056 --> 00:48:47,819
"Oh, it's your pussy!
lt's your pussy!"

833
00:48:53,497 --> 00:48:55,624
And your relationship changes
from that moment.

834
00:48:55,799 --> 00:48:57,699
The woman be sitting on the bed,
legs shaking:

835
00:48:57,868 --> 00:48:59,460
"Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't believe it.

836
00:48:59,636 --> 00:49:01,797
"I never came like that before.
I can't believe it."

837
00:49:01,972 --> 00:49:03,997
And their man get real cold,
saying shit like:

838
00:49:04,174 --> 00:49:06,335
"Why don't you shake your ass home."

839
00:49:07,477 --> 00:49:10,105
"What are you talking about?
Why are you treating me like this?

840
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:11,770
"We have a relationship."

841
00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:13,974
"You don't own me."

842
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,188
"What do you mean?
We have a relationship.

843
00:49:24,361 --> 00:49:25,919
"I thought that we go together."

844
00:49:26,096 --> 00:49:28,587
"I don't see no rings on your finger."

845
00:49:30,233 --> 00:49:32,098
"But I love you!"

846
00:49:32,269 --> 00:49:34,999
"Well, what have you
done for me lately?"

847
00:49:42,079 --> 00:49:43,341
And y'all put up with it.

848
00:49:43,613 --> 00:49:45,877
Y'all start putting up
with all kinds of crazy shit.

849
00:49:46,049 --> 00:49:48,244
I guess it's hard to find
somebody that knows

850
00:49:48,418 --> 00:49:50,716
how to do it to you right,
because when y'all find one,

851
00:49:50,887 --> 00:49:53,355
y'all stick through that man
through all kinds of bullshit.

852
00:49:53,523 --> 00:49:56,048
I know a man got busted coming
out of another woman's house.

853
00:49:56,226 --> 00:49:57,818
Show you how far a woman will stoop.

854
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:00,225
He got busted coming out
of another woman's house.

855
00:50:00,397 --> 00:50:01,659
His woman saw him come out,

856
00:50:01,832 --> 00:50:04,062
knew that the woman lived there
and didn't say shit.

857
00:50:04,234 --> 00:50:05,633
Wait till they got home and said:

858
00:50:05,802 --> 00:50:07,736
"What the hell was you doing
in that bitch's house?"

859
00:50:07,904 --> 00:50:10,839
You know what the man said?
"Wasn't me."

860
00:50:12,776 --> 00:50:15,267
"I looked right in your face!"

861
00:50:16,313 --> 00:50:18,042
"Wasn't me."

862
00:50:18,382 --> 00:50:20,077
"Well, I'm supposed
to be a fool, right?"

863
00:50:20,250 --> 00:50:21,808
"Hey.

864
00:50:22,219 --> 00:50:23,948
"Wasn't me."

865
00:50:25,989 --> 00:50:29,857
You know what the woman said?
"Maybe it wasn't you."

866
00:50:33,130 --> 00:50:36,964
I got a friend got busted
in his house, in his bed,

867
00:50:37,134 --> 00:50:40,467
where him and his wife sleep,
with another woman, fucking!

868
00:50:40,637 --> 00:50:43,162
His wife walked inside the house,
opened up the bedroom door,

869
00:50:43,340 --> 00:50:45,774
saw her man in her bed
with another woman, fucking.

870
00:50:45,942 --> 00:50:47,910
She walks in:

871
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:50,703
The man jumped up,
saw his woman standing there.

872
00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:53,850
She ran down the hallway. Chased his
woman down the hallway butt naked

873
00:50:54,017 --> 00:50:56,850
with a rock-hard dick,
talking about, "I'm sorry."

874
00:50:57,487 --> 00:50:59,819
This sound like a tragedy, right?
No, it was like this:

875
00:50:59,990 --> 00:51:01,890
"Baby, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

876
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:04,084
"Baby, look. Whoa, hold on.
Wait, we got to talk.

877
00:51:04,261 --> 00:51:05,990
"Baby, I am sorry."
"No, you're not sorry.

878
00:51:06,163 --> 00:51:08,563
"I can't believe you did this.
You have no respect for me.

879
00:51:08,732 --> 00:51:10,597
"Get the fuck...
Don't you fucking touch me."

880
00:51:10,767 --> 00:51:12,394
"Wait, baby, I am sorry.
Wait a second."

881
00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:14,730
"No, if you're sorry,
you wouldn't have fucked her!"

882
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:16,930
And then you change
the shit around. Right, guys?

883
00:51:17,107 --> 00:51:19,268
"OK, wait a minute!

884
00:51:19,676 --> 00:51:22,167
"Wait one second, goddamn it!

885
00:51:23,180 --> 00:51:24,943
"Yes, I fucked her, yes.

886
00:51:25,649 --> 00:51:28,174
"ls that what you want me to say?
I fucked her? I fucked her.

887
00:51:28,351 --> 00:51:31,286
"We fucked, all right?
You happy now? We fucked!

888
00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:34,356
"Now, let's talk about the word 'fuck'
for a minute.

889
00:51:34,758 --> 00:51:38,216
"Because that's a very important
word here. Fuck, yes, we did.

890
00:51:38,395 --> 00:51:41,796
"Fuck. I fucked her.

891
00:51:42,466 --> 00:51:44,661
"I make love to you.

892
00:51:55,645 --> 00:51:59,809
"And if you gonna let a fuck
come between our love,

893
00:52:00,083 --> 00:52:02,813
"there's something really wrong
happening here, baby."

894
00:52:05,522 --> 00:52:07,183
Bullshit.

895
00:52:09,159 --> 00:52:10,626
That's the only reason
why it works.

896
00:52:10,794 --> 00:52:12,921
Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all
feeling real macho,

897
00:52:13,096 --> 00:52:15,394
because you may have heard
your woman make that noise

898
00:52:15,565 --> 00:52:17,465
and you think you are
in control of your shit.

899
00:52:17,634 --> 00:52:19,966
But I told you a half-hour ago,
women are vindictive.

900
00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:23,868
Don't you think for two seconds that if
you keep breaking this woman's heart,

901
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:27,771
your sweet, innocent, little,
sweet, loving, darling woman,

902
00:52:27,944 --> 00:52:30,708
she eventually will go out
and fuck someone else.

903
00:52:30,881 --> 00:52:34,715
Don't think she won't.
Don't think she won't.

904
00:52:35,585 --> 00:52:39,112
Look, all the men's faces,
they're like this now:

905
00:52:42,692 --> 00:52:45,126
And men don't like to picture
their woman fucking nobody.

906
00:52:45,295 --> 00:52:47,786
That's taboo. Watch the guy's faces.
Ladies, look at them.

907
00:52:47,964 --> 00:52:51,559
Guys, picture your woman
fucking your best friend.

908
00:52:52,102 --> 00:52:54,093
Look at them, they're:

909
00:52:57,240 --> 00:52:59,367
Hey, your woman is like this:

910
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:05,879
I gotta tell you, be careful.
And women ain't like us.

911
00:53:06,049 --> 00:53:07,607
lt's not their nature to fool around.

912
00:53:07,784 --> 00:53:10,150
Like, we'll go out
and sneak out to the hotel

913
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:13,255
and have to wash your dick
in the sink and all that shit.

914
00:53:13,423 --> 00:53:15,823
Women gonna do it classy.
They don't fuck around like us.

915
00:53:15,992 --> 00:53:18,620
lt's like, "Hey, I don't do this often,
I'm gonna do it right."

916
00:53:18,795 --> 00:53:20,490
Know when your woman's
gonna fool around?

917
00:53:20,664 --> 00:53:23,258
You keep messing her over,
eventually she says shit like this:

918
00:53:23,433 --> 00:53:26,891
"You know, I think I'm gonna go to the
Bahamas by myself for the weekend."

919
00:53:29,439 --> 00:53:31,031
And you say,
"You want me to go with you?"

920
00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:33,938
She goes, "No, just me
and my girlfriends are going.

921
00:53:35,512 --> 00:53:37,503
"Just me and my friends."

922
00:53:38,915 --> 00:53:40,246
And we so stupid,

923
00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:43,853
we start thinking about all the pussy
we can get while she gone.

924
00:53:45,822 --> 00:53:47,653
"You gonna go by yourself?"
"Yes."

925
00:53:47,824 --> 00:53:49,485
"OK."

926
00:53:49,659 --> 00:53:53,186
And send your woman off
to the romantic Bahamas by herself?

927
00:53:53,363 --> 00:53:54,955
By herself to the Bahamas?

928
00:53:55,298 --> 00:53:58,028
She's walking on the beach,
she laid out all day and got a tan,

929
00:53:58,201 --> 00:54:00,601
your woman is fine
and got her body looking right,

930
00:54:00,770 --> 00:54:03,000
she's walking on the beach,
crying, in the Bahamas.

931
00:54:03,173 --> 00:54:04,504
Lovers on the beach making love.

932
00:54:04,674 --> 00:54:08,269
She's all by herself, walking along,
feeling sad, thinking about you

933
00:54:08,445 --> 00:54:10,709
and everybody's real romantic.
The motion of the ocean

934
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:14,338
is shimmying off...
The moon is shimmying off the ocean.

935
00:54:14,517 --> 00:54:16,712
Your woman's standing,
looking at it and crying.

936
00:54:16,886 --> 00:54:20,947
And all of a sudden,
a dude named Dexter walks up.

937
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:25,794
Dexter St. Jock.

938
00:54:26,763 --> 00:54:29,459
He walk up swinging his dick.

939
00:54:34,004 --> 00:54:36,063
Then he do that smooth
Bahamas shit on your woman.

940
00:54:36,239 --> 00:54:40,733
"What a beautiful girl like you doing
by herself on the island of love?

941
00:54:41,745 --> 00:54:43,042
"This is the island for lovers.

942
00:54:43,213 --> 00:54:44,942
"You should be being held
right now, girl.

943
00:54:45,115 --> 00:54:47,083
"What you crying about?"

944
00:54:48,251 --> 00:54:50,151
"I'm having some problems
with my boyfriend,

945
00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:52,345
"so I came down here
to think it over."

946
00:54:52,522 --> 00:54:54,114
"Tell me what hotel
your man's staying.

947
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,816
"I tell him that you treat
a woman like you like a princess.

948
00:54:56,993 --> 00:55:00,622
"lf you were my woman,
I make love to you constantly.

949
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:03,425
"What hotel this man staying in?"

950
00:55:03,767 --> 00:55:06,702
"Well, he's back in New York."

951
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:09,798
"ls that right?

952
00:55:14,844 --> 00:55:17,369
"Well, listen, girl. Won't you
come back around my place?

953
00:55:17,547 --> 00:55:19,947
"We sit down and talk it over."

954
00:55:20,583 --> 00:55:23,017
"All we gonna do is talk?"

955
00:55:32,462 --> 00:55:33,952
He take your woman to his house

956
00:55:34,130 --> 00:55:37,327
and roll one of them
big-ass Bahama joints.

957
00:55:37,500 --> 00:55:42,403
Shit this big and shit. Put some
of that Bob Marley music on.

958
00:55:42,572 --> 00:55:44,403
And y'all know Bob
be preaching this shit:

959
00:55:44,574 --> 00:55:48,135
<i>Don't let him fool you</i>
<i>Oh, no</i>

960
00:55:51,381 --> 00:55:55,010
<i>Or even try to school you</i>
<i>Oh, yeah</i>

961
00:55:55,185 --> 00:55:59,349
<i>Could this be love?</i>
<i>And be loved</i>

962
00:55:59,522 --> 00:56:01,547
Dick swinging.

963
00:56:02,726 --> 00:56:06,719
Next thing you know,
Dexter is fucking your woman.

964
00:56:06,896 --> 00:56:08,693
Well.

965
00:56:10,133 --> 00:56:13,261
Send your woman home
floating on air.

966
00:56:13,536 --> 00:56:17,632
Walk through the door like this:
<i>I shot the sheriff</i>

967
00:56:22,245 --> 00:56:24,543
We so stupid, we think it
was the weather. We be going:

968
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:27,080
"Hey, baby, you need
to get away more often."

969
00:56:27,250 --> 00:56:29,115
And she be like this:

970
00:56:30,186 --> 00:56:32,347
And never tell you.
lt's her little secret.

971
00:56:32,522 --> 00:56:35,616
All women have
a skeleton in the closet.

972
00:56:35,792 --> 00:56:38,317
All women have done
something that only them

973
00:56:38,495 --> 00:56:41,862
and another person knows about.
All women have one skeleton.

974
00:56:42,031 --> 00:56:45,023
Even the little, sweet, innocent ones
have something that only them

975
00:56:45,201 --> 00:56:47,135
and another person knows about.
All women.

976
00:56:47,303 --> 00:56:50,602
Don't be... Look at the guys,
looking at their women again like this:

977
00:56:52,609 --> 00:56:54,543
"You got skeletons in your closet?

978
00:56:55,078 --> 00:56:58,241
"I thought I seen a bone in your shoe.
Whose skeleton was that?"

979
00:56:59,082 --> 00:57:01,482
Don't be fooled. They all have
a skeleton in their closet.

980
00:57:01,651 --> 00:57:05,553
Some of them got cemeteries
in their closet and shit.

981
00:57:08,191 --> 00:57:11,786
You open the door and ravens
and shit fly out of the closet.

982
00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:13,519
So be careful. Be careful.

983
00:57:13,696 --> 00:57:15,891
Get somebody you gonna be
with forever.

984
00:57:16,065 --> 00:57:18,056
Find somebody perfect for you.

985
00:57:18,234 --> 00:57:21,067
I'm not saying they're perfect people.
I'm saying we ain't perfect.

986
00:57:21,237 --> 00:57:24,206
Find somebody just as fucked up
as you are and settle down.

987
00:57:24,574 --> 00:57:25,973
That's what you gotta do.

988
00:57:26,142 --> 00:57:29,578
lf I ever get married, I got to marry
somebody with personality.

989
00:57:29,746 --> 00:57:32,476
For instance, I hate those quiet,
salad-eating bitches,

990
00:57:32,649 --> 00:57:34,048
those real quiet ones, you know.

991
00:57:34,217 --> 00:57:36,549
The kind of women, you take
them out to dinner, you say:

992
00:57:36,719 --> 00:57:39,745
"Hey, what you wanna eat?"
They go, "I'll just have a salad."

993
00:57:40,723 --> 00:57:42,953
And you hear their stomach going:

994
00:57:47,564 --> 00:57:50,761
"I don't know why my stomach
is making that noise."

995
00:57:50,934 --> 00:57:53,129
"Because you're hungry, bitch."

996
00:57:53,536 --> 00:57:55,128
"Why don't you have
something to eat?"

997
00:57:55,305 --> 00:57:58,468
"No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll just have a salad."

998
00:57:59,943 --> 00:58:03,037
"What you want to drink?"
"Water."

999
00:58:03,947 --> 00:58:06,142
"What movie you wanna see
after you finish eating?"

1000
00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,807
"Whatever you wanna see
is OK with me.

1001
00:58:08,985 --> 00:58:12,386
"As long as it's a PG.
I hate scary movies."

1002
00:58:12,889 --> 00:58:16,052
"This is my friend Bob and Karen."
"Hi."

1003
00:58:16,226 --> 00:58:18,626
"What's your problem?"
"I'm just a little shy."

1004
00:58:19,162 --> 00:58:21,130
Get your shy ass away from me.

1005
00:58:21,297 --> 00:58:24,391
I hate those shy bitches.
They make me sick to my mother...

1006
00:58:24,567 --> 00:58:27,092
I hate shy...
You know, those shy women,

1007
00:58:27,270 --> 00:58:31,138
those are usually the ones that have
the most skeletons in their closet.

1008
00:58:32,942 --> 00:58:34,967
That's why they shy now.

1009
00:58:35,144 --> 00:58:38,204
Because they been raising hell
all their life, now they shy.

1010
00:58:38,381 --> 00:58:40,406
Think about it.
All them shy women that you meet,

1011
00:58:40,583 --> 00:58:42,312
they never from the town
you meet them in.

1012
00:58:42,485 --> 00:58:43,816
They always from somewhere else.

1013
00:58:43,987 --> 00:58:46,421
Then they come to your town
and get shy.

1014
00:58:46,589 --> 00:58:48,454
Get the fuck out of here.

1015
00:58:48,625 --> 00:58:50,525
They afraid to talk,
because they think a bone

1016
00:58:50,693 --> 00:58:53,321
is gonna fly out their mouth
or some shit.

1017
00:58:56,766 --> 00:58:58,666
"Hi.

1018
00:58:58,835 --> 00:59:00,735
"So many skeletons."

1019
00:59:03,773 --> 00:59:08,301
I hate shy women. I like extroverts,
I like women with a sense of humor.

1020
00:59:08,478 --> 00:59:11,413
I like funny girls, funny women.

1021
00:59:11,814 --> 00:59:13,509
But you gotta be good-looking too.

1022
00:59:13,683 --> 00:59:17,016
I don't wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch
and shit. I'd have me in the bed going:

1023
00:59:17,186 --> 00:59:19,950
"Hey, baby, can you tell me
some more jokes, please?"

1024
00:59:20,456 --> 00:59:21,718
Gotta be a good cook.

1025
00:59:21,891 --> 00:59:24,416
I didn't realize my mother was
a good cook till after I moved out.

1026
00:59:24,594 --> 00:59:26,585
When you're a child, if your mother
doesn't take you to McDonald's,

1027
00:59:26,763 --> 00:59:29,163
you don't think she can cook.
I had one of those mothers,

1028
00:59:29,332 --> 00:59:31,800
no matter what you want,
she has the ingredients at home.

1029
00:59:32,101 --> 00:59:35,332
You say, "Ma, I wanna stop
and get some McDonald's."

1030
00:59:35,505 --> 00:59:38,167
And she go,
"I got hamburger meat at home."

1031
00:59:38,641 --> 00:59:41,804
"But I want McDonald's hamburger."

1032
00:59:41,978 --> 00:59:44,412
"I'll make you a hamburger
better than McDonald's."

1033
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:47,015
"You cook better than McDonald's?"

1034
00:59:47,183 --> 00:59:49,515
"That's right.
You can help Mama make it."

1035
00:59:49,686 --> 00:59:52,246
You say, "Shit, that's better
than McDonald's."

1036
00:59:52,422 --> 00:59:54,754
Your mother say,
"OK, go get me the big frying pan."

1037
00:59:54,924 --> 00:59:56,755
So you hand her the frying pan
and she say:

1038
00:59:56,926 --> 00:59:59,326
"I want you to go in the refrigerator
and get the meat

1039
00:59:59,495 --> 01:00:03,226
and while you in there, get me a green
pepper and a onion." And you say:

1040
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:07,092
"Ain't no green peppers
at McDonald's."

1041
01:00:07,570 --> 01:00:09,561
"I'm not making McDonald's,
I'm making Mama's burger.

1042
01:00:09,739 --> 01:00:12,401
"I need a green pepper and an onion
and get me an egg out too."

1043
01:00:15,144 --> 01:00:17,635
"What you need eggs for?

1044
01:00:17,880 --> 01:00:20,280
"I want hamburgers.

1045
01:00:20,450 --> 01:00:23,112
"You making Egg McMuffins."

1046
01:00:26,723 --> 01:00:29,123
"I'm not making an Egg McMuffin.
I don't know what no Egg McMuffin is.

1047
01:00:29,292 --> 01:00:30,691
Just get me the egg
and shut your mouth."

1048
01:00:30,860 --> 01:00:32,418
She take the egg and
the green peppers

1049
01:00:32,595 --> 01:00:34,426
and chop the peppers up
in big chunks.

1050
01:00:34,597 --> 01:00:37,293
Don't even dice it. Big chunks
of green peppers and onion

1051
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:40,265
and mix the egg in and put
paprika and all this shit in it

1052
01:00:40,436 --> 01:00:43,735
and make a big meatball and put it
in the middle of this frying pan.

1053
01:00:43,906 --> 01:00:48,570
At McDonald's, the meat is this thin.
Your mother's shit is like this or fatter.

1054
01:00:48,745 --> 01:00:50,610
Green peppers hanging
out of it and shit.

1055
01:00:50,780 --> 01:00:53,681
And there's a big split in the middle
and grease is popping out.

1056
01:00:53,850 --> 01:00:55,408
You're looking at it while it's popping.

1057
01:00:55,585 --> 01:00:57,780
You're looking at the grease
in the pan and thinking:

1058
01:00:57,954 --> 01:00:59,512
"That don't look like no McDonald's."

1059
01:01:00,323 --> 01:01:03,656
Then your mother say, "Go inside
the refrigerator and get me the bread

1060
01:01:03,826 --> 01:01:07,523
out of the bread box." And you go
look in the bread box and you say:

1061
01:01:07,697 --> 01:01:10,495
"Ma, we don't have
no hamburger buns.

1062
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:13,135
"All we have is Wonder Bread."

1063
01:01:13,302 --> 01:01:16,794
"That's what I said. Get the bread
out of the bread box."

1064
01:01:17,140 --> 01:01:20,109
"You gonna put it
on square Wonder Bread?"

1065
01:01:20,276 --> 01:01:22,676
"Bread is bread. Bring me
that bread before I slap you.

1066
01:01:22,845 --> 01:01:24,278
"Don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

1067
01:01:24,447 --> 01:01:27,075
"As much as that bread costs,
don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

1068
01:01:27,250 --> 01:01:29,377
"This is Wonder Bread.
A hamburger is a hamburger."

1069
01:01:29,552 --> 01:01:32,988
And she'd make it and put it in
the middle of square Wonder Bread.

1070
01:01:33,156 --> 01:01:36,216
At McDonald's, they use buns,
the meat covers the whole bread.

1071
01:01:36,392 --> 01:01:39,793
At your mother's, the meat's right
in the middle of the bread,

1072
01:01:39,962 --> 01:01:41,554
with grease running
through the middle,

1073
01:01:41,731 --> 01:01:43,460
making the bread stick
to the plate.

1074
01:01:43,633 --> 01:01:45,464
This big green pepper
is hanging out the top

1075
01:01:45,635 --> 01:01:47,068
of this big meatball on the bread.

1076
01:01:47,236 --> 01:01:50,603
And you try to put some ketchup on it
and it mixes with the grease,

1077
01:01:50,773 --> 01:01:52,741
turn the bread into pink dough.

1078
01:01:53,543 --> 01:01:55,511
Then you grab it
and get fingerprinted

1079
01:01:55,678 --> 01:01:58,010
and you got big, pink fingerprints
in the dough.

1080
01:01:58,181 --> 01:02:01,446
You stand there looking at it and you
try to make it look like McDonald's,

1081
01:02:01,617 --> 01:02:03,676
so you rip the edges off around it,
make it round.

1082
01:02:03,853 --> 01:02:06,378
And you got green peppers and
grease running down your hand.

1083
01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,389
And your mother say,
"Now, go on outside and play."

1084
01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:11,220
And the other kids got McDonald's.

1085
01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:17,128
They outside going,
"We got McDonald's hamburgers.

1086
01:02:17,300 --> 01:02:20,997
"McDonald's. McDonald's.

1087
01:02:21,170 --> 01:02:24,037
"I got McDonald's."

1088
01:02:25,208 --> 01:02:29,542
And you standing there
with this big "house burger".

1089
01:02:29,712 --> 01:02:31,043
And kids are honest.

1090
01:02:31,214 --> 01:02:34,615
They say, "Where you get that
big, welfare, green-pepper burger?"

1091
01:02:35,785 --> 01:02:37,047
And you cry.

1092
01:02:42,091 --> 01:02:45,117
"My mother made it."

1093
01:02:46,562 --> 01:02:49,087
And long slob...
When little kids cry,

1094
01:02:49,265 --> 01:02:51,256
some long slob come
out of their mouth

1095
01:02:51,434 --> 01:02:55,097
and it hangs this far to the ground.
And it won't break.

1096
01:02:55,304 --> 01:02:57,602
And adults stand around going,
"That slob gonna break?"

1097
01:02:57,774 --> 01:03:00,299
And it won't.
The wind can blow that slob:

1098
01:03:01,644 --> 01:03:04,807
You know where you see kids crying?
I do it all the time, I'm sadistic.

1099
01:03:04,981 --> 01:03:07,472
I like to go to supermarkets
and watch mothers lose it

1100
01:03:07,650 --> 01:03:09,845
and beat the shit out of their kids.

1101
01:03:15,658 --> 01:03:16,920
Party at the Loft!

1102
01:03:17,093 --> 01:03:19,618
I was at the Loft. You know why
I ain't dancing at the Loft?

1103
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:21,821
I had just got over some shit.
I go to parties...

1104
01:03:21,998 --> 01:03:25,798
I went to a white disco recently
and I watched the white people dance.

1105
01:03:25,968 --> 01:03:28,801
Y'all... Y'all can't dance.

1106
01:03:30,573 --> 01:03:33,133
No, it's not... I'm not being racist.
I mean, I mean...

1107
01:03:33,309 --> 01:03:35,209
lt's like saying black people
have thick lips.

1108
01:03:35,378 --> 01:03:37,437
That's not racist.
lt's true. We have thick lips

1109
01:03:37,613 --> 01:03:39,342
and white people can't dance.

1110
01:03:39,749 --> 01:03:42,775
And y'all be trying.
Y'all be really...

1111
01:03:42,952 --> 01:03:45,648
Do y'all listen to the words
or the beat?

1112
01:03:47,123 --> 01:03:50,684
Because y'all be... I really...
I tell you, every time you see a black...

1113
01:03:50,860 --> 01:03:54,023
When you go to a white club, you see
five or six brothers just standing.

1114
01:03:54,197 --> 01:03:55,892
You ask, "Why are those
niggers in here?"

1115
01:03:56,065 --> 01:03:57,862
They watching y'all dance.

1116
01:03:58,267 --> 01:04:00,827
"Look at these crazy motherfuckers."

1117
01:04:01,003 --> 01:04:04,495
Y'all got one dance y'all can do.
Y'all can do this shit, like this:

1118
01:04:09,345 --> 01:04:11,575
But y'all don't do no moves,
it's just this:

1119
01:04:12,515 --> 01:04:15,609
Y'all do some shit like this,
you be fucked up. You'd be:

1120
01:04:15,785 --> 01:04:17,810
"Oh, shit..."

1121
01:04:19,856 --> 01:04:22,256
And white people, y'all step
on each other's feet.

1122
01:04:22,425 --> 01:04:24,586
Brothers, we go to the disco,
get all fucked up,

1123
01:04:24,760 --> 01:04:26,625
you're stepping and hitting and...

1124
01:04:26,796 --> 01:04:29,321
Brothers got some dance.
They be doing this with their heads.

1125
01:04:29,498 --> 01:04:31,227
Some shit like that.

1126
01:04:31,901 --> 01:04:35,428
lf the white people do that,
they'll kill each other. They be like:

1127
01:04:35,605 --> 01:04:37,095
"Sorry."

1128
01:04:38,207 --> 01:04:39,936
"Let's stick with this."

1129
01:04:42,044 --> 01:04:44,342
I was in the club, man.
I stopped going...

1130
01:04:44,513 --> 01:04:47,004
I ain't dancing at the Loft
because I had a fight recently

1131
01:04:47,183 --> 01:04:49,083
and I said I ain't dancing.
I went to clubs...

1132
01:04:49,252 --> 01:04:51,584
People get drunk, go to clubs
and start fighting.

1133
01:04:51,787 --> 01:04:53,220
I had a fight with an ltalian dude

1134
01:04:53,389 --> 01:04:55,619
right around the time
<i>Rocky</i> came out.

1135
01:04:55,791 --> 01:04:59,557
ltalians... White people, period, y'all
go crazy after y'all see a <i>Rocky</i> movie

1136
01:04:59,729 --> 01:05:02,220
because y'all believe that shit.

1137
01:05:02,398 --> 01:05:04,958
Because the movies are
so emotional and so real,

1138
01:05:05,134 --> 01:05:07,466
you sit there and go like,
"Hey, this is real."

1139
01:05:07,637 --> 01:05:10,435
And Stallone have y'all white
people pumped, especially ltalians.

1140
01:05:10,606 --> 01:05:13,700
After ltalians see <i>Rocky</i>, they come
out the movie theater, they be like...

1141
01:05:13,876 --> 01:05:16,709
ltalians are funny people, because
they act like niggas. lt's funny.

1142
01:05:16,879 --> 01:05:19,177
They do. They hold
their dick more than us.

1143
01:05:19,348 --> 01:05:22,044
They be standing around,
"Get the fuck out of here."

1144
01:05:27,790 --> 01:05:32,750
"lt's right here, all right?
What? Hey, fuck you, all right?"

1145
01:05:32,929 --> 01:05:36,057
Everything is a question too.
"Hey, what am I, an asshole?

1146
01:05:36,232 --> 01:05:38,860
"What am I, a fucking jerk?
Get the fuck out of here.

1147
01:05:39,035 --> 01:05:40,559
"lt's right here, all right?"

1148
01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:53,207
After they see <i>Rocky</i>, they come out
of the theater charged.

1149
01:05:53,382 --> 01:05:56,249
They be like,
"All right, Rock-O!

1150
01:05:56,419 --> 01:05:58,284
"All right, Sly!"

1151
01:06:04,694 --> 01:06:08,357
"All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!"

1152
01:06:08,531 --> 01:06:10,499
Go up to the people
standing on line and shit.

1153
01:06:10,700 --> 01:06:13,100
"Hey, <i>paisan</i>, you going in to see
<i>Rocky</i> right now?"

1154
01:06:13,269 --> 01:06:17,205
"Yeah."
"lt's a great fucking movie.

1155
01:06:19,642 --> 01:06:20,939
"lt's great.

1156
01:06:22,645 --> 01:06:24,636
"You gonna like this.
When Sly comes out,

1157
01:06:24,814 --> 01:06:26,645
"he breaks this big
fucking nigger's face.

1158
01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:28,374
"He busts it fucking wide open.

1159
01:06:28,551 --> 01:06:32,009
"Fucking <i>melanzane</i> laying
on the floor, fucked up.

1160
01:06:33,789 --> 01:06:38,590
"lt's fucking great. I fucking
love it, man. All right, Rock-O!

1161
01:06:38,761 --> 01:06:41,229
"At the end of this picture, now,
just between you and I,

1162
01:06:41,397 --> 01:06:45,094
"I don't wanna ruin the surprise,
but Sly wins this one again."

1163
01:06:45,267 --> 01:06:47,258
"You know what I like
about Stallone's movies?

1164
01:06:47,436 --> 01:06:50,928
"The realism. Because that's the way
you gotta treat those fucking moolies.

1165
01:06:51,107 --> 01:06:54,508
"They think they can fucking push you
around, 'Oh, you big hotshot,'

1166
01:06:54,677 --> 01:06:56,201
"get the fuck out of here.

1167
01:06:56,412 --> 01:06:58,505
"Get the fuck out of my face
with that shit.

1168
01:06:58,681 --> 01:07:00,706
"That's what I like about Sly.
He goes in

1169
01:07:00,883 --> 01:07:03,681
"and the moolies are beating him
and he don't fucking go down,

1170
01:07:03,853 --> 01:07:06,686
"he comes in and he cracks
the fucking moolie's hole like this.

1171
01:07:06,856 --> 01:07:10,553
"He falls on the ground. You know,
you can really fucking do that.

1172
01:07:10,726 --> 01:07:13,286
"You see that fucking big <i>melanzane</i>
standing over there?

1173
01:07:13,462 --> 01:07:16,022
"See that black guy over there
at the line getting candy?"

1174
01:07:16,198 --> 01:07:19,827
"Yeah." "All right. Now,
he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2".

1175
01:07:20,669 --> 01:07:22,728
"I ain't no big guy, all right?

1176
01:07:22,905 --> 01:07:25,874
"But I'm ltalian. Watch this.
You watch this, all right?

1177
01:07:32,181 --> 01:07:34,547
"Hey, excuse me, brother.

1178
01:07:36,352 --> 01:07:38,547
"Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits

1179
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:40,621
"and let me have some Bon Bons.

1180
01:07:40,790 --> 01:07:43,088
"I think I'll have some
Bon Bons there.

1181
01:07:43,259 --> 01:07:45,489
"And let me have some
Junior Mints.

1182
01:07:45,661 --> 01:07:48,858
"And give me another box
of Juji Fruits.

1183
01:07:49,031 --> 01:07:52,091
"And the nigger's gonna pay for it."

1184
01:07:56,272 --> 01:07:58,331
"Excuse me?"

1185
01:08:02,178 --> 01:08:06,615
"You heard what I said, moolie.
Pay for my fucking candy...

1186
01:08:11,554 --> 01:08:13,784
"...or I'll kick your ass."

1187
01:08:15,724 --> 01:08:17,954
"Oh, you just saw <i>Rocky</i>.

1188
01:08:20,096 --> 01:08:22,792
"Look, little ltalian white man.

1189
01:08:22,965 --> 01:08:24,990
"I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's
movies too.

1190
01:08:25,167 --> 01:08:28,102
"But I'm waiting to get some candy
and I'm gonna go see a movie.

1191
01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:32,206
"Why don't you just go hop in your
lROC Z-28 and take your ass home."

1192
01:08:35,644 --> 01:08:38,078
"I'll kick your fucking ass."

1193
01:08:38,581 --> 01:08:40,344
Then they hear that <i>Rocky</i> music.

1194
01:08:41,217 --> 01:08:43,845
Hour later:

1195
01:08:44,954 --> 01:08:46,387
"He's not gonna make it.

1196
01:08:46,555 --> 01:08:49,718
"The big nigger named Abdullah's
hand wrapped around his throat.

1197
01:08:49,892 --> 01:08:53,419
"And a box of Juji Fruits rammed
up his ass. He's not gonna make it.

1198
01:08:53,596 --> 01:08:55,325
"He's fucked up."

1199
01:08:57,433 --> 01:08:59,526
That's who I had a fight with.
An ltalian.

1200
01:08:59,702 --> 01:09:03,138
Those are the worst white people to
fight, especially around <i>Rocky</i> time.

1201
01:09:03,305 --> 01:09:07,901
Because I was in a discotheque talking
to Deney Terrio from <i>Dance Fever</i>.

1202
01:09:08,077 --> 01:09:10,807
Don't ask me why.

1203
01:09:10,980 --> 01:09:13,175
We were there kicking it
and this ltalian dude

1204
01:09:13,349 --> 01:09:16,409
was there with his girlfriend
and she is looking at me or Deney.

1205
01:09:16,585 --> 01:09:19,110
ltalians don't play that shit.
You hear the shit they say

1206
01:09:19,288 --> 01:09:22,121
to their girlfriends? "What the fuck
you looking over there for?

1207
01:09:22,291 --> 01:09:24,486
"Don't tell me you're not looking.
I just saw you.

1208
01:09:24,660 --> 01:09:26,719
"You been looking over there
all fucking night.

1209
01:09:26,896 --> 01:09:29,421
"You look over there again
and I'm gonna pick up a glass

1210
01:09:29,598 --> 01:09:33,034
"and shove it in your fucking mouth.
Don't look over there. No, you shut up.

1211
01:09:33,202 --> 01:09:34,931
"You're making me look
like an asshole.

1212
01:09:35,104 --> 01:09:37,368
"Don't you ever disrespect me.
Don't you ever.

1213
01:09:37,540 --> 01:09:40,976
"Hey, shut up. Don't you ever...
I'll fucking kick your ass inside here.

1214
01:09:41,343 --> 01:09:44,870
"What are you looking at a fucking
dancer and a <i>melanzane</i> for?

1215
01:09:45,047 --> 01:09:48,016
"You know I'll kick his moolie ass."
He pushed me.

1216
01:09:48,384 --> 01:09:51,376
Black people from New York have
this trick we use on white people.

1217
01:09:51,554 --> 01:09:53,283
lt works.
Even if you can't fight,

1218
01:09:53,455 --> 01:09:55,013
you have to act like you can fight,

1219
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:57,250
because that gets you out
of a lot of fights.

1220
01:09:57,526 --> 01:09:59,357
lt works.
lf you have some problem...

1221
01:09:59,528 --> 01:10:02,122
Walk up to a white dude and
step on his foot. And he says:

1222
01:10:02,298 --> 01:10:05,756
"Hey, you got a problem?" You go,
"Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!"

1223
01:10:12,308 --> 01:10:14,799
"I just lost my motherfucking job

1224
01:10:14,977 --> 01:10:17,537
"to a white man, look just like you!

1225
01:10:20,783 --> 01:10:24,719
"So I say I'm gonna step on some feet
till I feel I've redeemed myself.

1226
01:10:25,588 --> 01:10:26,850
"You got a problem?"

1227
01:10:27,022 --> 01:10:30,219
And white guys will go,
"Hey, I didn't know about your job."

1228
01:10:30,559 --> 01:10:32,686
They leave and brother
be standing there like this:

1229
01:10:32,861 --> 01:10:34,624
"That was close.

1230
01:10:35,798 --> 01:10:37,425
"I almost got fucked up."

1231
01:10:37,766 --> 01:10:39,757
So I know you gotta act
like you can fight.

1232
01:10:39,935 --> 01:10:42,028
First, you make your voice
go up an octave

1233
01:10:42,204 --> 01:10:43,762
and act real confused.
And mumble:

1234
01:10:43,973 --> 01:10:46,066
"What the fuck this
motherfucker trying...?

1235
01:10:46,275 --> 01:10:48,368
"Yo, you don't put your
motherfucking hand, no...

1236
01:10:48,544 --> 01:10:51,479
"Mind your motherfucking business.
I'll bust your motherfucking ass.

1237
01:10:51,647 --> 01:10:53,808
"Don't you never put your hands...
Shut the fuck up.

1238
01:10:53,983 --> 01:10:55,575
"What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?

1239
01:10:55,751 --> 01:10:57,776
"You know I'll bust you...
Get the fuck off me.

1240
01:10:57,953 --> 01:11:01,445
"I'll bust your motherfucking ass too.
Mind your motherfucking business.

1241
01:11:01,624 --> 01:11:03,819
"You want some, motherfucker?
You want some?

1242
01:11:03,993 --> 01:11:05,688
"Then make a move, then.
Make a move.

1243
01:11:05,861 --> 01:11:08,921
"Yeah, you better walk away, mother...
I'll bust your pussy ass too.

1244
01:11:09,098 --> 01:11:10,998
"You never put your
motherfucking hands on me.

1245
01:11:11,166 --> 01:11:13,726
"What the fuck is your problem?
What's your problem, huh?

1246
01:11:13,902 --> 01:11:16,735
"You got a problem?
Well, I'm gonna settle your problem.

1247
01:11:16,905 --> 01:11:18,805
"I'm gonna settle your problem,
motherfucker!"

1248
01:11:18,974 --> 01:11:21,966
And the dude did like this,
"Come on!"

1249
01:11:28,217 --> 01:11:29,980
I was stuck.

1250
01:11:30,819 --> 01:11:33,379
I was standing there like this now.

1251
01:11:33,555 --> 01:11:35,750
Dude said, "Come on,
that's the way I like it."

1252
01:11:35,924 --> 01:11:39,985
I didn't know what to do, because
I could act like I could fight good.

1253
01:11:40,162 --> 01:11:41,823
I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter.

1254
01:11:41,997 --> 01:11:46,559
You put me in a movie where
I'm the star, I'll kick your ass.

1255
01:11:46,769 --> 01:11:48,703
This is real shit.
He's going, "Come on."

1256
01:11:48,871 --> 01:11:50,862
I was frozen, man.
I was standing there,

1257
01:11:51,040 --> 01:11:53,372
my ego jumped out
of my body and said,

1258
01:11:53,542 --> 01:11:55,635
"Punch him in the face, Ed."

1259
01:11:55,811 --> 01:11:57,244
I said, "I ain't punching nobody."

1260
01:11:57,413 --> 01:11:59,278
My ego said,
"Well, give me your hand."

1261
01:12:00,816 --> 01:12:02,613
Clocked that boy in his eye.

1262
01:12:02,785 --> 01:12:04,514
Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,

1263
01:12:04,687 --> 01:12:06,882
he was all fucked up.
I looked at my ego, I said:

1264
01:12:07,056 --> 01:12:09,024
"What the fuck you do that for?"

1265
01:12:09,191 --> 01:12:11,250
Ego said, "Because you've got
an image to uphold.

1266
01:12:11,427 --> 01:12:12,860
"You kicked the dude's ass.
Relax."

1267
01:12:13,028 --> 01:12:14,461
The dude was laying there,
holding his eye.

1268
01:12:14,630 --> 01:12:16,894
My ego said, "Now talk some shit
so people know not to mess with you."

1269
01:12:17,066 --> 01:12:20,160
And I was like, "Yeah.

1270
01:12:22,204 --> 01:12:24,297
"I'm tired of people messing with me."

1271
01:12:24,473 --> 01:12:27,374
"Now tell them if somebody else move,
you gonna kick their ass."

1272
01:12:27,543 --> 01:12:29,534
"lf somebody else move,

1273
01:12:29,878 --> 01:12:31,505
"I'm gonna kick their ass?"

1274
01:12:33,615 --> 01:12:36,277
"Do some rhyme with your name.
That always scares white people."

1275
01:12:36,452 --> 01:12:37,714
"Because I'm Ed

1276
01:12:37,886 --> 01:12:40,787
"and if you mess with Ed,
you be dead."

1277
01:12:42,825 --> 01:12:45,350
"That's all right. Just worry about...
Shit, you doing fine.

1278
01:12:45,527 --> 01:12:47,495
"You just relax, don't worry.
Just be cool.

1279
01:12:47,663 --> 01:12:50,427
"Ain't nobody gonna move after
they seen you kick this dude's ass.

1280
01:12:50,599 --> 01:12:53,124
"Just relax and cool out."
I start cooling out. My ego said:

1281
01:12:53,302 --> 01:12:55,361
"Every now and then you
gotta whip somebody's ass,

1282
01:12:55,537 --> 01:12:58,563
"let them know where you stand."
I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

1283
01:12:59,208 --> 01:13:02,541
I ain't see this dude's brother
standing behind me.

1284
01:13:02,711 --> 01:13:05,441
And he has seen <i>Rocky</i> too.

1285
01:13:05,614 --> 01:13:07,809
And he swung around my back

1286
01:13:07,983 --> 01:13:09,951
and punched me in the mouth...

1287
01:13:11,186 --> 01:13:13,416
...real, real hard.

1288
01:13:14,356 --> 01:13:16,324
Because the punch said:

1289
01:13:16,692 --> 01:13:18,922
And my ego said, "What was that?!"

1290
01:13:19,795 --> 01:13:22,628
I said, "I don't know."
And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!"

1291
01:13:41,417 --> 01:13:44,284
So I'm standing there
with my lips hanging down,

1292
01:13:44,453 --> 01:13:47,388
looking like J.J. from
<i>Good Times</i> and shit.

1293
01:13:48,791 --> 01:13:51,282
And I ain't know what to do,
so I scream for security.

1294
01:13:51,460 --> 01:13:52,791
I said, "Security!"

1295
01:13:52,961 --> 01:13:55,623
And that's when one of my boys
jumped over the table

1296
01:13:55,798 --> 01:13:57,561
like Linc Hayes from
the <i>Mod Squad</i>

1297
01:13:57,733 --> 01:13:59,564
and grabbed that boy
and started going:

1298
01:13:59,735 --> 01:14:02,465
Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up
and starts fucking this boy up

1299
01:14:02,638 --> 01:14:05,801
and his brother woke up, jump on top
of my boy and started kicking his ass.

1300
01:14:05,974 --> 01:14:07,737
Then somebody says,
"Fight in the back!"

1301
01:14:07,910 --> 01:14:09,502
And all the people,
the bouncers, came

1302
01:14:09,678 --> 01:14:11,578
and saw two niggers
fighting two white guys.

1303
01:14:11,747 --> 01:14:13,908
They jump on the niggers.
"You niggers have to learn

1304
01:14:14,082 --> 01:14:16,778
"to stop fucking up our club.
Didn't we let you in here, nigger?

1305
01:14:16,952 --> 01:14:19,477
"We saw you laughing while
we were dancing. We saw you."

1306
01:14:19,655 --> 01:14:22,419
Then all the brothers saw 40 white
guys beating up two black guys,

1307
01:14:22,591 --> 01:14:24,388
"Hey, you can't beat up the brothers."
They jump in the fight.

1308
01:14:24,560 --> 01:14:26,960
Then it looked like 40 white guys
fighting 40 black guys,

1309
01:14:27,162 --> 01:14:30,996
it was a big race war and suntan lotion
and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over.

1310
01:14:31,166 --> 01:14:34,260
And at the end of the fight,
everybody sued me.

1311
01:14:36,205 --> 01:14:37,763
Everybody claimed
I whipped their ass.

1312
01:14:37,940 --> 01:14:42,240
I'm 5'1 0". I weigh 1 65 pounds.
I can't whip a disco's ass by myself.

1313
01:14:42,845 --> 01:14:44,574
Even people that didn't fight sued me.

1314
01:14:44,746 --> 01:14:46,771
People that watched the fight
was in court.

1315
01:14:46,949 --> 01:14:49,417
"No, I didn't actually fight,
but I was there watching.

1316
01:14:49,585 --> 01:14:52,383
"And it was a discotheque
and a strobe light fell off the ceiling,

1317
01:14:52,554 --> 01:14:54,784
"creating a weird effect
with the mirror

1318
01:14:54,957 --> 01:14:57,824
"and I saw this
and my eyes were sprained,

1319
01:14:57,993 --> 01:15:02,327
"the eyes, and I need 1 2 million
for my sprained eyes."

1320
01:15:04,132 --> 01:15:06,794
Brothers sued me. Yo, man,
the brothers came out and sued.

1321
01:15:06,969 --> 01:15:09,597
I was like, "Ain't no brothers
gonna sue me." Brothers sued Ed.

1322
01:15:09,771 --> 01:15:12,604
The brothers went to get paid.
I was, "Brothers don't sue brothers."

1323
01:15:12,774 --> 01:15:15,436
They was like, "Fuck that.
I'm getting paid, motherfucker."

1324
01:15:15,611 --> 01:15:17,670
Brothers went to court,
got educated on the judge.

1325
01:15:17,846 --> 01:15:19,871
All of a sudden they was like,
"State your case."

1326
01:15:20,048 --> 01:15:23,575
"Yes, Your Honor, on the evening
in question, per se, Your Honor.

1327
01:15:25,087 --> 01:15:27,351
"Yo, check it out, Your Honor.
I was inside the disco.

1328
01:15:27,523 --> 01:15:29,582
"Cooling, right?
I went in with my girlie, right?

1329
01:15:29,758 --> 01:15:31,953
"My girl start illing,
'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'

1330
01:15:32,127 --> 01:15:35,290
"Start acting all tipsy and shit.
I say, 'Where?' She say, 'Over there.'

1331
01:15:35,464 --> 01:15:37,455
"I say,
'Fuck that big-nose motherfucker.

1332
01:15:37,633 --> 01:15:39,863
'I make my money just like him.'
Right, Your Honor?

1333
01:15:40,035 --> 01:15:42,094
"I don't give a fuck.
I ain't getting on nobody.

1334
01:15:42,271 --> 01:15:45,570
"So, Your Honor, check it out, right?
What happened then, right?

1335
01:15:45,741 --> 01:15:48,904
"I say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over,
get the motherfucker autograph?'

1336
01:15:49,077 --> 01:15:51,045
"I got the autograph for my girlie.

1337
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,909
"I walked over and said,
'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'

1338
01:15:55,250 --> 01:15:57,946
"Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing
a motherfucking thing.

1339
01:15:58,120 --> 01:16:00,452
'Fuck you and your ugly bitch.'
I say, 'Yo, Ed.

1340
01:16:00,622 --> 01:16:02,453
'I'll bust your ass
for saying shit like that.'

1341
01:16:02,624 --> 01:16:05,684
"He say, 'Motherfucker, I...'
And he ran over to my woman

1342
01:16:05,861 --> 01:16:07,829
"and slap her in the face,
Your Honor.

1343
01:16:07,996 --> 01:16:09,930
"Then he slap me and
my man in the face.

1344
01:16:10,098 --> 01:16:12,760
"All three of us, like
the Three Stooges, Your Honor.

1345
01:16:12,935 --> 01:16:15,335
"Twelve million.

1346
01:16:15,504 --> 01:16:17,802
"Twelve!" I was disgusted.

1347
01:16:17,973 --> 01:16:20,737
"Yeah, Your Honor.
Give us half his shit."

1348
01:16:25,681 --> 01:16:28,809
I was mad. I called my mother up.
You know how you do.

1349
01:16:28,984 --> 01:16:31,145
When you get depressed,
you call your mother.

1350
01:16:31,320 --> 01:16:33,379
You get your ass whipped,
first you call home.

1351
01:16:33,555 --> 01:16:35,580
I call my mother's house.
Because you wanna hear:

1352
01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:37,884
"lt's gonna be all right, baby.
lt's gonna be fine.

1353
01:16:38,060 --> 01:16:41,461
"You just come on home. Stop crying.
I'll cook you something to eat.

1354
01:16:41,630 --> 01:16:43,495
"I'll cook you one of them
big old hamburgers

1355
01:16:43,665 --> 01:16:45,633
"I used to make before.
You just come on home."

1356
01:16:45,801 --> 01:16:47,632
And you want that burger
when you get older.

1357
01:16:47,803 --> 01:16:49,862
I called my mother's house,
it was a Friday night,

1358
01:16:50,038 --> 01:16:52,233
the phone rang for a half-hour.

1359
01:16:52,641 --> 01:16:55,667
Which meant my pops was home, and
on the weekends, my pops gets drunk.

1360
01:16:55,844 --> 01:16:57,641
I was praying he wouldn't
answer the phone,

1361
01:16:57,813 --> 01:16:59,542
because I'm bleeding,
my lips are swollen,

1362
01:16:59,715 --> 01:17:01,342
people walking by going,
"Jimmie Walker."

1363
01:17:01,516 --> 01:17:03,347
I'm going, "No, I'm Ed.
I just had a fight."

1364
01:17:03,919 --> 01:17:06,046
So I'm praying my father
wouldn't answer the phone.

1365
01:17:06,221 --> 01:17:09,349
And I picture this is going on,
my pops is home like this, drunk:

1366
01:17:09,524 --> 01:17:11,754
"This is my house!

1367
01:17:17,432 --> 01:17:19,923
"lt's my house
and I don't give a fuck!

1368
01:17:20,102 --> 01:17:22,127
"You know something?
Hey, I'm drunk, Lil.

1369
01:17:22,304 --> 01:17:25,000
"Lil? I'm drunk.
And you know something?

1370
01:17:25,173 --> 01:17:26,868
"lt's beautiful.

1371
01:17:28,710 --> 01:17:31,577
"lt's beautiful, Lil. ln my heart
and my soul, I'm drunk.

1372
01:17:31,747 --> 01:17:33,476
"You know something, fuck it.

1373
01:17:33,649 --> 01:17:36,982
"Because if I wanna drink
something in my house, fine.

1374
01:17:37,152 --> 01:17:40,349
"You don't like it,
get the fuck out of my house.

1375
01:17:40,522 --> 01:17:43,582
"I pay the bills for this motherfucker.
I wanna drink something, I drink.

1376
01:17:43,759 --> 01:17:46,694
"Hey, Lil, you gonna
answer this telephone?

1377
01:17:46,862 --> 01:17:48,762
"Do you hear the phone ringing?

1378
01:17:48,930 --> 01:17:50,192
"Lil!

1379
01:17:55,337 --> 01:17:57,828
"That's the phone, motherfucker.
That's not me.

1380
01:17:58,907 --> 01:18:00,340
"No, I'm not answering shit.

1381
01:18:00,542 --> 01:18:02,874
"I pay the bills.
I'm gonna answer the phone too?

1382
01:18:03,045 --> 01:18:06,071
"Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell
up in this motherfucker?

1383
01:18:06,248 --> 01:18:08,113
"You better answer this telephone.

1384
01:18:08,283 --> 01:18:10,080
"Lil, answer the phone.
Goddamn it, look...

1385
01:18:10,252 --> 01:18:11,810
"Shit, I'm watching the fights, Lil.

1386
01:18:11,987 --> 01:18:13,682
"Are you...?
You're not gonna answer it?

1387
01:18:13,855 --> 01:18:16,289
"OK. Fine.
Don't touch the phone no more, Lil.

1388
01:18:16,458 --> 01:18:18,983
"Since you can't get up off your ass
and answer the phone,

1389
01:18:19,161 --> 01:18:21,493
"you can't touch the phone.
Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.

1390
01:18:21,663 --> 01:18:25,121
"No more phone for you.
Your phone privileges are cut off.

1391
01:18:25,300 --> 01:18:27,461
"I'm gonna write that down
and put it on the fridge.

1392
01:18:27,636 --> 01:18:29,297
"That's the new rules in the house.

1393
01:18:29,471 --> 01:18:31,769
"I'm gonna take the old rules off
and put new rules up.

1394
01:18:31,940 --> 01:18:34,306
"You gonna listen to me
when I tell you to do something.

1395
01:18:34,476 --> 01:18:37,036
"We gonna put new rules up.
We gonna put rules up. Rules up.

1396
01:18:37,212 --> 01:18:39,077
"Rules. Rules.

1397
01:18:39,247 --> 01:18:45,083
"One, 'Lillian cannot use the phone.'

1398
01:18:45,787 --> 01:18:49,223
"Two, 'Lillian cannot...'

1399
01:18:49,391 --> 01:18:51,018
"Since you're such a smart
motherfucker,

1400
01:18:51,193 --> 01:18:53,627
"you can't go outside anymore either.

1401
01:18:53,795 --> 01:18:57,891
"Cannot go outside ever again.

1402
01:18:58,433 --> 01:18:59,991
"Now, put the rules up, Lillian.

1403
01:19:00,168 --> 01:19:02,432
"You abide by my rules
and my regulations, goddamn it.

1404
01:19:02,604 --> 01:19:05,266
"And the rules say
'No phone and no outside.'

1405
01:19:05,440 --> 01:19:08,739
"And I don't give a fuck if the
motherfucking house is burning down.

1406
01:19:08,910 --> 01:19:11,003
"lf I come home and a fireman
putting the house out, I say:

1407
01:19:11,179 --> 01:19:12,646
'How you find out the house
was burning?'

1408
01:19:12,814 --> 01:19:16,181
'We got a call from your wife,'
I kick your motherfucking ass.

1409
01:19:17,119 --> 01:19:20,486
"You're in this house to stay!
You'll burn up in this motherfucker.

1410
01:19:20,655 --> 01:19:23,886
"No, Lillian, where you going? Didn't
I just say you couldn't go no place?

1411
01:19:24,059 --> 01:19:25,686
"How the hell you gonna
go somewhere...?

1412
01:19:25,861 --> 01:19:28,830
"You're not going to Shirley's house
to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno.

1413
01:19:28,997 --> 01:19:31,727
"Take your coat off. No, you can't
go no place because I said so.

1414
01:19:31,900 --> 01:19:34,767
"The rules say 'no outside.' I know you
wanna leave, that's why you can't go.

1415
01:19:34,936 --> 01:19:36,927
"You better call and tell her
you're not coming.

1416
01:19:37,105 --> 01:19:38,936
"You can't use my phone.

1417
01:19:39,741 --> 01:19:41,572
"I don't know.
You better lift up the window

1418
01:19:41,743 --> 01:19:43,472
"and scream your
motherfucking head off.

1419
01:19:43,645 --> 01:19:45,078
"But you're not... I don't give...

1420
01:19:45,247 --> 01:19:47,545
"You're not going no place.
You're not going no place.

1421
01:19:47,716 --> 01:19:50,549
"Because I know you wanna leave.
That's why. I know you wanna leave.

1422
01:19:50,719 --> 01:19:52,050
"I know you wanna leave."

1423
01:19:52,220 --> 01:19:54,381
I got one of those fathers
who gets drunk and sings

1424
01:19:54,556 --> 01:19:56,183
old Motown songs to you
in his argument,

1425
01:19:56,358 --> 01:19:58,519
fucks up the lyrics
and thinks he's saying it right.

1426
01:19:58,693 --> 01:20:01,787
"<i>I know you wanna leave me</i>

1427
01:20:01,963 --> 01:20:05,262
"<i>But I refuse to let you go, Lillian</i>"

1428
01:20:06,701 --> 01:20:08,669
Then he fuck up,
think he's saying it right.

1429
01:20:08,870 --> 01:20:13,000
"<i>lf I have to beg and plead</i>
<i>Do the symphony</i>

1430
01:20:16,945 --> 01:20:19,971
"<i>I don't mind because it means</i>
<i>That much to me</i>

1431
01:20:20,148 --> 01:20:21,547
"You're not going no place.

1432
01:20:21,716 --> 01:20:24,184
"You be right here in this
motherfucker, Lil.

1433
01:20:24,352 --> 01:20:26,980
"<i>Watching the ships roll in</i>

1434
01:20:28,123 --> 01:20:31,490
"<i>Then you watch them</i>
<i>Roll away again</i>

1435
01:20:31,660 --> 01:20:32,922
"<i>Lillian</i>

1436
01:20:34,329 --> 01:20:36,797
"Because I put the rules up.
Like Diana Ross say,

1437
01:20:36,965 --> 01:20:40,560
"<i>lt's my house</i>
<i>I live here</i>

1438
01:20:41,336 --> 01:20:46,239
"And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian:
<i>En my casa, I... Yo vivo aqui</i>

1439
01:20:49,878 --> 01:20:51,812
"This is my house!
I don't give a fuck!

1440
01:20:51,980 --> 01:20:54,949
"Do you hear this phone? I'm gonna
answer, because I know it's Shirley.

1441
01:20:55,116 --> 01:20:57,516
"And you not supposed to let
a phone ring for a half-hour.

1442
01:20:57,686 --> 01:20:59,847
"You let it ring two or three times
and hang it up.

1443
01:21:00,021 --> 01:21:02,819
"That's a lonely bitch at the end
of that line. I'm gonna tell her.

1444
01:21:03,024 --> 01:21:06,289
"Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever
let my phone ring like this again...

1445
01:21:06,461 --> 01:21:09,089
"Shir...? What's wrong...?
Hey, what's wrong with you?

1446
01:21:09,264 --> 01:21:10,959
"What you crying about?
Eddie, what's...?

1447
01:21:11,132 --> 01:21:12,724
"Eddie, what's wrong with you?

1448
01:21:12,901 --> 01:21:16,598
"What? You had a fight?!
Lillian, get my pistol.

1449
01:21:16,771 --> 01:21:18,739
"Who you have a fight with?

1450
01:21:18,907 --> 01:21:22,240
"What? A disco? With Deney Terrio?

1451
01:21:22,410 --> 01:21:25,140
"Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio?

1452
01:21:25,313 --> 01:21:28,874
"And Jimmie Walker?
And your lips? And you shot...

1453
01:21:29,050 --> 01:21:31,644
"What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight
in a disco with Deney Terrio

1454
01:21:31,820 --> 01:21:34,254
"and shot Jimmie Walker.

1455
01:21:36,391 --> 01:21:38,256
"He shot him in the lips, Lil.

1456
01:21:39,127 --> 01:21:41,425
"Eddie, why'd you shoot
Jimmie Walker in his lips?

1457
01:21:41,596 --> 01:21:43,962
"I like <i>Good Times</i>.

1458
01:21:44,132 --> 01:21:45,929
"Oh, you took a shot in your lips?

1459
01:21:46,101 --> 01:21:49,400
"And you look like Jimmie Walker?
Oh, that'd do it.

1460
01:21:50,405 --> 01:21:53,533
"Who punched you in the lips?
ltalian? For what?

1461
01:21:53,708 --> 01:21:57,269
"What you mean 'nothing'? Nobody get
punched for nothing. What'd you do?

1462
01:21:57,445 --> 01:21:59,572
"Don't tell me 'nothing'.
You had to do something.

1463
01:21:59,748 --> 01:22:01,875
"What did you do?
No, don't tell me 'nothing'.

1464
01:22:02,050 --> 01:22:04,245
"Nobody gets punched for nothing.
What...? Eddie...

1465
01:22:04,419 --> 01:22:08,082
"No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie.
<i>Nothing from nothing leaves nothing</i>

1466
01:22:10,091 --> 01:22:11,353
"<i>Had to do something</i>

1467
01:22:11,526 --> 01:22:13,517
"<i>Motherfucker punched you</i>
<i>ln the mouth</i>

1468
01:22:15,664 --> 01:22:18,224
"Now, what did you do?
What?

1469
01:22:18,733 --> 01:22:22,396
"Eddie. No... Eddie, then it's something
that you did a long time ago.

1470
01:22:22,570 --> 01:22:24,970
"Didn't I always tell you,
you reap what you sow? Yes.

1471
01:22:25,140 --> 01:22:26,971
"What goes around comes around,
Eddie.

1472
01:22:27,142 --> 01:22:29,542
"Yes, that's why that man punch you
in your mouth tonight,

1473
01:22:29,711 --> 01:22:31,338
"for something you did
a long time ago.

1474
01:22:31,513 --> 01:22:33,208
"Yes, Eddie.
Well, you give what you get.

1475
01:22:33,381 --> 01:22:35,281
"You get what you give.
That's why that man...

1476
01:22:35,450 --> 01:22:37,850
"Eddie. What do you mean,
you don't remember what you did?

1477
01:22:38,019 --> 01:22:39,919
"He probably punched you
for something you did

1478
01:22:40,088 --> 01:22:41,521
"when you was living here.

1479
01:22:41,690 --> 01:22:44,989
"I didn't catch everything that you did.
I worked all day, you played all day.

1480
01:22:45,160 --> 01:22:47,628
"Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1 9 7 1 ?

1481
01:22:48,596 --> 01:22:52,362
"lt was you! Yes, it was. That's why
that man kick your ass tonight.

1482
01:22:52,600 --> 01:22:56,127
"I'd appreciate if you go up and tell him
that your father says 'Thank you.'

1483
01:22:56,304 --> 01:22:58,829
"Save me a trip to California.
Because you never respect me.

1484
01:22:59,007 --> 01:23:00,770
"You never listen to what
I tell you to do.

1485
01:23:00,942 --> 01:23:03,843
"I put rules on the refrigerator
and you never obey my rules.

1486
01:23:04,012 --> 01:23:05,536
"Me and your mother want respect.

1487
01:23:05,714 --> 01:23:08,308
"You, Charlie and Vernon could not
respect me and your mother.

1488
01:23:08,483 --> 01:23:11,646
"All we wanted was some respect.
All we asked for was a little respect.

1489
01:23:11,820 --> 01:23:13,617
"How come you can't respect me?
How come?

1490
01:23:13,788 --> 01:23:16,552
"I'm a man. I want respect.
I want respect, Eddie.

1491
01:23:16,725 --> 01:23:20,183
"<i>What we want</i>
<i>Baby, you got it</i>

1492
01:23:20,795 --> 01:23:23,855
"<i>What we need</i>
<i>I know you got it</i>

1493
01:23:24,432 --> 01:23:26,127
"<i>Because all I'm asking</i>

1494
01:23:26,301 --> 01:23:28,462
"<i>ls for a little respect, motherfucker</i>

1495
01:23:28,636 --> 01:23:32,163
"<i>When you come on home, baby</i>
Hold on a minute.

1496
01:23:36,978 --> 01:23:39,606
"<i>The kiss is sweeter than honey</i>

1497
01:23:39,781 --> 01:23:43,080
"<i>R-E-S-Z-C-P</i>
<i>Find out what you mean to me</i>

1498
01:23:43,251 --> 01:23:45,310
"<i>R-E-C-C-T-T-P</i>

1499
01:23:45,487 --> 01:23:47,921
"Motherfucker,
you know how to spell it!

1500
01:23:50,959 --> 01:23:53,427
"Respect. You never had no
respect for me, Eddie.

1501
01:23:53,628 --> 01:23:56,062
"That's why the man kick your ass.
And when I was a child,

1502
01:23:56,264 --> 01:23:59,199
"I respect my parents.
And we didn't have shit. Okay?

1503
01:23:59,367 --> 01:24:02,393
"I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers
and sisters didn't have shit.

1504
01:24:02,570 --> 01:24:07,303
"I had 1 1 brothers and sisters, Eddie.
My father made 1 3 cents a week.

1505
01:24:08,510 --> 01:24:12,002
"He worked at the Coleco toy factory,
Eddie, and made 1 3 cents a week.

1506
01:24:12,180 --> 01:24:15,115
"That's not a lot of money
when you have 1 1 children.

1507
01:24:15,283 --> 01:24:18,047
"We didn't have all the fancy things
like you, Charlie and Vernon.

1508
01:24:18,219 --> 01:24:20,915
"We didn't have fancy luxuries
like food.

1509
01:24:21,656 --> 01:24:23,647
"What the fuck you gonna eat
on 1 3 cents a week?

1510
01:24:23,825 --> 01:24:26,225
"We had to eat whatever my father
brought home from work.

1511
01:24:26,394 --> 01:24:28,726
"We ate the toys, Eddie.

1512
01:24:28,897 --> 01:24:30,592
"We ate the toys
and we never complained,

1513
01:24:30,765 --> 01:24:32,699
"because my mother
could cook her ass off.

1514
01:24:32,867 --> 01:24:35,165
"My mother get some hot sauce
and some salt and pepper,

1515
01:24:35,336 --> 01:24:37,566
"make a Tonka truck
taste so delicious.

1516
01:24:38,306 --> 01:24:40,900
"The wheels will melt
in your mouth, Eddie.

1517
01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:42,941
"And you appreciate it.
You never complained.

1518
01:24:43,111 --> 01:24:45,409
"lt was all for one and one for all.
We stuck together.

1519
01:24:45,580 --> 01:24:47,309
"I only hurt my brothers
and sisters once.

1520
01:24:47,482 --> 01:24:49,473
"I came home from school
and my mother had made

1521
01:24:49,651 --> 01:24:50,982
"a birthday feast for my father.

1522
01:24:51,152 --> 01:24:53,382
"She had cooked and slaved
over the stove all day

1523
01:24:53,555 --> 01:24:55,716
"and made enough food
for 1 3 people to feast on

1524
01:24:55,890 --> 01:24:59,724
"for my father for his birthday
and I sat down and ate it all by myself.

1525
01:24:59,894 --> 01:25:03,159
"I ate it all, Eddie, by myself.
And my father came inside the kitchen,

1526
01:25:03,331 --> 01:25:06,129
"put his little birthday hat on
and he looked at all the children.

1527
01:25:06,301 --> 01:25:07,893
"He had a tear in his eye
and he said,

1528
01:25:08,069 --> 01:25:09,400
'Which one of you kids sat down

1529
01:25:09,571 --> 01:25:12,472
'and ate a whole fucking game
of Monopoly by yourself?'

1530
01:25:14,008 --> 01:25:15,635
"And I ate it all, Eddie!

1531
01:25:15,810 --> 01:25:18,278
"Boardwalk, Park Place,
lllinois Avenue,

1532
01:25:18,446 --> 01:25:21,677
"the shoe, the boat,
the hat, the cannon,

1533
01:25:21,850 --> 01:25:24,182
"Connecticut Avenue,
Luxury Tax,

1534
01:25:24,352 --> 01:25:27,685
"Eddie, I even ate those cheap
purple motherfuckers after 'Go'...

1535
01:25:27,856 --> 01:25:29,323
"...that nobody buys.
I ate them.

1536
01:25:29,491 --> 01:25:31,550
"I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue.
Yes, I did.

1537
01:25:31,726 --> 01:25:34,251
"I did, and I sat down and ate
my father's birthday cake too.

1538
01:25:34,429 --> 01:25:35,760
"No, we couldn't afford a cake.

1539
01:25:35,930 --> 01:25:38,330
"lt was two Etch-A-Sketches
on top of each other.

1540
01:25:38,500 --> 01:25:40,400
"Two Etch... Etch-A-Sketch cake.
That's right.

1541
01:25:40,568 --> 01:25:41,830
"We couldn't afford no icing,

1542
01:25:42,003 --> 01:25:44,836
"so my mother would write 'Happy
Birthday Pop' on the Etch-A-Sketch.

1543
01:25:45,006 --> 01:25:47,804
"Know how you made a wish?
You shook it till the words disappeared,

1544
01:25:47,976 --> 01:25:49,409
"then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch.

1545
01:25:49,577 --> 01:25:51,977
"And that was your birthday cake.
And we never complained.

1546
01:25:52,147 --> 01:25:54,479
"We were happy to get that.
All for one and one for all.

1547
01:25:54,649 --> 01:25:57,709
"We would get dressed to go to school.
Let me tell you about our clothes.

1548
01:25:57,886 --> 01:26:01,049
"We had to wear whatever my father
brought home from work, Eddie.

1549
01:26:01,222 --> 01:26:02,484
"We wore the toys!

1550
01:26:02,657 --> 01:26:06,354
"Each day my mother would wake up
and open 1 1 Twister games, Eddie.

1551
01:26:06,528 --> 01:26:08,428
"She would roll the Twister mats
on the floor.

1552
01:26:08,596 --> 01:26:10,029
"Me and my 1 1 brothers and sisters

1553
01:26:10,198 --> 01:26:12,098
"would wrap the Twister mats
around our body like a suit.

1554
01:26:12,267 --> 01:26:15,498
"Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack
and put that around our waist as a belt.

1555
01:26:15,670 --> 01:26:17,570
"And if there was no Hot Wheels,
we used Johnny Lightning.

1556
01:26:17,739 --> 01:26:19,832
"And if there was no Johnny Lightning,
we ripped up a Hula Hoop

1557
01:26:20,008 --> 01:26:22,306
"and put that around our waist.
But we went to school, goddamn it.

1558
01:26:22,477 --> 01:26:24,741
"Other children would make fun of us
because we got on Twister suits.

1559
01:26:24,913 --> 01:26:26,847
"And it's no fun to get your ass
kicked in a Twister mat.

1560
01:26:27,015 --> 01:26:30,576
"Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie.
lt was a goddamn game to these kids.

1561
01:26:30,752 --> 01:26:32,014
"I'm standing on the corner,

1562
01:26:32,187 --> 01:26:35,179
"a motherfucker is spinning the
spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie.

1563
01:26:35,356 --> 01:26:38,291
"Then I gotta go to school and watch
the other children eat real food.

1564
01:26:38,459 --> 01:26:41,257
"I gotta watch them eat peanut butter
and jelly, bologna and Swiss,

1565
01:26:41,429 --> 01:26:44,398
"ham and cheese. I got a goddamn
Silly Putty sandwich.

1566
01:26:45,366 --> 01:26:47,891
"Then, for dessert, they're gonna
pull out a Hostess cupcake

1567
01:26:48,069 --> 01:26:50,594
"and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky?

1568
01:26:50,772 --> 01:26:53,764
"A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie,
I ate so many Slinkys,

1569
01:26:53,942 --> 01:26:55,967
"every time I hear the motherfucking
Slinky song,

1570
01:26:56,144 --> 01:26:57,634
"it make me sick to my stomach.

1571
01:26:57,812 --> 01:26:59,609
"<i>They walk downstairs</i>
<i>Alone and in pairs</i>

1572
01:26:59,781 --> 01:27:01,339
"<i>And make a clinkety sound</i>

1573
01:27:01,516 --> 01:27:04,883
"<i>A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing</i>
<i>Everyone knows it's Slinky</i>

1574
01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:08,386
"<i>A Slinky, a Slinky</i>
<i>A wonderful, wonderful toy</i>

1575
01:27:08,556 --> 01:27:11,525
"<i>A Slinky, a Slinky</i>
<i>They're fun for a girl and a boy</i>"

1576
01:27:11,693 --> 01:27:13,888
Bye-bye, I gotta go.
Thank you.