In spite of all the warnings, she was smoking in bed and fell a sleep.
Bad move!
And the fire begins.
It's show time!
Don't worry, ma'am. I'm here to saveyou!
Keep those people back! This is an emergency!
Don't you dare die on me!
Breathe, damn it, breathe!
She's gonna make it! She's gonna make it!
What the--
Oh, damn!
Though it may be hard to believe that a single biology professor...
making in excess of$1 7,500 a year...
could manage to find time to gradeyour first biology research papers, I did.
As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly.
Pretty much all ofyou got A's.
You deserve to congratulateyourselves. I got a good feeling about this group.
And I think that the parade ofA's will continue to the end ofthe semester.
So much for the bell curve, right?
Bell curves suck!
Mr. Kane?
Dr. Kane, seems to be a mistake here.
My brother and I each got a C-minus on our reports.
C-minus. Me too.
Allow me to share something with the entire class.
As I was grading papers, I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells Are Bad."
And both withjust one paragraph...
which I unfortunately committed to memory.
"Cells are bad.
My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve.
And he has to read the same boring magazine every day.
The end."
You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr. Kane?
Yes, I am.
Although my standards are not where they used to be...
I still could not bring myself to put an A on top ofthose beauties.
Hopeyou understand.
- Sure. - Yeah, okay.
Let's get back to work at the Periodic Table which is not, as some suppose--
A meteor? Where?
Route 89-A.
Yeah, I got it.
Rest assured I will be there. Okay. Bye.
How's it look, Professor?
It's tight.
Really tight, Nadine, but not too tight.
You just don't have the points. I'm sorry.
Don't take it too hard. Geology's a tougher subject than people think.
Areyou sure? Couldn'tyou check again?
I really need this credit to get into nursing school.
Nursing school?
Wouldn'tyou be more comfortable where people's lives weren't dependent on you?
Actually, what I reallywant to be is Miss Arizona.
But my consultant says nursing school will really impress thejudges.
- Makes me look like I help people. - Ready for lunch?
Or haveyou already eaten?
I was concluding a teacher-student conference with Nadine, Ira.
Harry, your dedication toyourjob is an inspiration to us all.
Regrettably, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.
We'll talk aboutyour extra credit later, okay? Cheer up.
Let me grab my stuff.
Whereyou taking me?
A meteor hit last night.
Oh, that's what that was.
As the Glen Canyon representative ofthe U.S. Geological Survey...
I have been assigned to check it out.
I'm taking you in case I actually have to do something scientific. Then we eat.
You're a representative ofthe U.S.G.S.?
Signed up over the Internet.
Wereyou on some cheerleader site and accidentally linked to the U.S.G.S.?
Something like that.
Watch it. Take it easy. That's my baby.
Thereyou go. Easy.
Come on, be careful!
Who's gonna pay me for the damage to my goddamn car?
Son, I told you we don't do that. It's force majeure.
Force majeure, my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Rivera.
Who areyou?
Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
This is my secretary, Ira Kane.
We're here to investigate the meteor. Ifthat's what it is.
Ofcourse it's a damn meteor. It almost blew up my damn car.
I'm still fuzzy on whatyou were doing here in the middle ofthe night.
With Betty Lou here.
For the thousandth time, I was practicing for my fireman's exam...
which started seven minutes ago, so I'd appreciate ifyou let me go.
You and the blonde found the meteor?
Yeah, I found it.
It bounced my car 200 feet in the air. Can I go?
Bob, get him out ofhere right now.
Don't leave town.
Sheriff, is this...
the point ofpenetration?
Yeah, it punched through into a cavern 80 feet down.
That's a hole.
Oh, damn it! Next time, you're carrying this case.
You're the U.S.G.S. representative.
That responsibility comes with the badge.
Oh, my God! Look at that.
I believe we've located the target.
- Big smile, fellas. - Cheese!
Hold it up now. All right?
It's hot! It's really hot.
I'll hold you up.
More nightstick.
Look at thesejackasses.
At ease, gentlemen.
The Feds are here.
Feds? What Feds?
- Who letyou down here? - Let's not get combative, Lieutenant.
The U.S.G.S. and local law enforcement have a long history ofcooperation.
We're here to get some scientific samples, ifthat's okaywith you guys.
Ah, yeah, sure.
We got all the photographic evidence we need. Carry on.
Thankyou. Keep up the good work.
Just hit last night and it's got stuff growing on it.
Could be cave moss.
Cave moss afterjust a few hours? That's peculiar.
Let's get a sample and get out ofhere.
It's bleeding.
It's a rock that bleeds.
Now that's really peculiar.
Let's bag it.
I don't know ifthis geological society gig is all it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, it pads out my resume, but am I growing as a person?
Am I growing as a Division Three women's volleyball coach?
Areyou gonna do those spectro tests it says to do in the guidebook?
Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a full spectroscopic analysis.
Your resume will shine.
Good. I got to get to the game. Let me know if you find anything.
Ira? Areyou sureyou can handle this byyour lonesome?
All right, all right.
That's impossible.
Ten base pairs.
No, that can't be.
We need this!
Come on, ladies, look alive!
Tina, when Lisa goes for the spike, you've got to cover the line.
Lisa, two hands! Two hands!
God gaveyou two goddamn hands for a reason!
Big news. The most amazing thing.
The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms.
Their metabolic rates are offthe charts.
They're dividing at an incredible rate. It's practically exponential.
Their DNA has ten base pairs.
Ten base pairs. That's good to know. Thankyou, Ira.
The DNA ofall life on Earth has only four base pairs.
Come on, ladies!
Look alive!
Harry, these are organisms from anotherworld.
They're aliens.
Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments, or in a lump sum like the lottery?
Let's not get ahead ofourselves. Here. My office.
I'm not getting ahead ofmyself. I'm concerned about the tax consequences.
- Why in here? -Just wanted to be cautious.
It's our discovery.
I'm all tingly.
I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?
Ifwe're gonna be important scientists, you have to act the part.
Why don'tyou take a look?
There are multi-cellular organisms in there.
- Yes, I know. - But theyweren't there before.
- So they snuck in. - There was no sneaking in.
It's-- No, it's too amazing.
- What? - It's like they're evolving.
They're growing.
They're growing into more complex organisms.
It's evolution.
Nobel, here we come.
Yeah, but it's 200 million years' worth injust a few hours.
That's fast.
You have no idea.
Get ready.
On my signal.
Go!
Recruit, wake up.
Wake up!
Go! Go, go, go!
The hose! This thing here!
Sorry.
- Move it! Move it! - Wayne, go!
Go, go! Come on!
Buddy, these things happen.
There's another test in six months.
Six months? I can't wait six months!
At least you still got the pool gig at the country club, right?
Great. Thanks a lot.
Drive careful.
I got it. I got it!
I do this.
Looks like we got visitors.
Class, since this is our first field trip, please obey a few simple rules.
Dirt!
Nice footwear.
It's perfect for spelunking. Don't touch anything.
Don't move anything. Don't even breathe unless we tell you to.
And wearyour protective gloves at all times.
- Why do we have to do this? - Firsthand field experience.
The very meat and potatoes ofgeology.
- Will this be on the final? - Yes!
- Officer, nice to seeyou again. - Professor, what's up?
- We came to pick up the rock. - Pick it up? What?
Yeah, we--
Just orders from the U.S.G.S. Theywant it under controlled conditions.
It's very technical.
Oh, technical stuff. It's technical. Okay, go right ahead.
- We're gonna haul it out ofhere. - Sure, go ahead.
Deke and Danny, rememberwhat we talked about, right?
You are in charge ofthe hoisting. Get the winch up to the hole. Understand?
Fellas, stop nodding andjust stare at me for a second, okay?
Focus.
You understand what I wantyou to do?
- Yeah, we gotyou. - Yeah.
Go do it.
Ira, I'm picking up a heavy creepyvibe here.
A lot has changed.
Class, I know these look like mushrooms, but refrain from eating them.
Oh, it smells disgusting.
Nadine, sometimes science stinks.
It's the game we play, baby.
Rotten egg smell.
- Hydrogen sulfide, right? - Yeah, and ammonia and methane.
It's like it's converting the atmosphere.
Look at all this rudimentary plant life. It's amazing.
I don't want to get all girly, but I feel something wiggling around my toes.
The ground does seem to be moving.
Whoa!
Flatworms.
Millions!
Yuck!
Oh, God!
Barely 1 8 hours and we already have fatworms.
- Look, look! - Hey, there they are!
- Hi, Dr. Kane. - Hey, Dr. K.!
- Man, I almost went down! - Awesome.
Come here, little buddy.
I'm not gonna hurtyou.
You didn't hurt it. You killed it.
The oxygen must have killed it.
It must need its own atmosphere to live.
Yeah.
Grab a specimenjar. We'll try to scoop some atmosphere in there with them.
Yeah, right.
It took us two billion years to do what they did injust a couple ofdays.
Yeah. Those little germs are the embodiment ofthe American dream.
I'm so sorry to interrupt, Professor Block.
But I was wondering ifI'm correct in assuming that that field trip...
fulfilled any ofmy missing credit requirements.
You know, Nadine, you are a very, very smart girl.
But ifyou wouldjust focus--
Professor...
the little wigglyworm things are breaking.
Look.
He's not breaking. It's splitting.
It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce.
No sex?
No time for sex.
Bummer!
Little guys are splitting again.
Put it away. Look, we call no one, tell no one. This is our secret, right?
What about the government? Isn't this the kind ofthing they get involved in?
No government. I know those people. Absolutely not.
You do?
This is our discovery, and we have to maintain absolute control.
We have to do more research and check our findings. Document everything.
Wayne?
What's this?
That would be an all-cotton towel, sir. I believe it's a Fieldcrest.
It's a damp towel. Why is a damp towel on my chaise?
Okay, let me take care ofthis foryou.
You should, becauseyou're pool manager, and you know what to do about it.
What the hell?
Where did you guys come from?
You're dead now.
Whoa! What the--
Harry, when Icheckedthesamples thismorning...
Ifoundthree differentsubspecies.
These thingsare evolvingso quickly.
God knows what we'll find when we get back to the-- Whoa!
Please tell me there's an air show today.
Shit!
Can I helpyou?
Yeah. Harry Block, Ira Kane. United States Geological Society.
We're doing some important research. This is our site.
I'm sorry. Not anymore. You're not on the list.
What doyou mean? We come here all the time.
This is not a nightclub. Why don'tyou take it somewhere else?
I know my Constitutional rights!
Harry!
Look, maybeyou can call your superior. We can have a word with him.
I have a Harry Block and Ira Kane claiming--
Punk. What?
You got to know how to talk to the white man.
- White man gonna get his ass whupped. - Very sensitive. Can't beyelled at.
- Did you say Kane? - Yeah.
- The Ira Kane? - Yeah.
I've been looking forward to this for a long time. You bastard!
Hey, hey, hey!
Get his gun!
Take it easy. They're good. Up!
You're responsible for the worst month ofmy life!
- What the hell was that about? - I don't know.
Drive straight down to the command tent. They're expecting you.
- Go. - Thankyou.
That's the guy that had me in diapers for over a month!
- Men, General Woodman's expecting you. - Russell Woodman?
What an unexpected surprise.
For me too. I didn't realize we were on a hugging basis.
The same old Ira Kane. And you must be--
Harry Block, this is General Russell Woodman, head of U.S. Army Research.
- General. - Harry.
You two know each other?
Ira used to work for me. Right, Ira?
I worked with you, actually.
You used to work in army research in the Pentagon?
Yeah.
And all this time I thought you werejust a school teacher.
No. How did you find out about this?
You leave the Pentagon, you don't call me, you don't write.
We like to keep tabs on our prodigal sons.
Soyou tapped my phone?
No. We're not the KGB.
Actually, we've been monitoring your computer.
His computer?
All those girls in the photos are over 1 8.
Yes, I'm sure.
- I should've figured. - Yes.
And you should've known better than to try to keep something this big from us.
And the CDC.
Just in time. Ira, this is Allison Reed, senior researcher in epidemiology...
at the CDC.
Nice underwear.
Garter belt? At a day function?
I can do it. Thankyou very much.
I'm okay. Dr. Kane.
I'd heard aboutyour recklessness, butyou are way out ofline.
Doyou realize how dangerous this situation could have become?
It's nice to meetyou too, ma'am.
No need to play the blame game, Allison. No harm, no foul.
We're all very appreciative of Dr. Kane and Mr. Black's discovery.
Block.
Block. I'm sorry.
The confirmation ofthe existence oflife outside this planet--
Would be the greatest scientific discovery ofour time.
Yes, actually.
Yes, it would.
And you have myword thatyou'll be kept in the loop from this point forward.
You son ofa bitch.
What doyou mean, kept in the loop? General, we are the loop.
We won't cutyou out, but we do need to take control.
We're following protocol. You remember protocol, don'tyou?
Yeah, I got some protocol right here foryou, Russell. Come and get it.
Look, this research must continue under careful government control and scrutiny.
We secured the area.
We're constructing an air lock into the cavern and a field research facility.
So there's not a lot for the science department...
ofGlen Canyon Community College to do here.
Did you catch that condescending tone when he says Glen Canyon Community--
We are following well-established federal guidelines--
Ma'am, please. Russell, don't pull this crap. We deserve to be here.
You deserve to be here?
You're lucky anybody's ever letyou near a science laboratory again, Ira.
You're a disgrace, and a dangerous one at that.
Lieutenant, show these men out.
This is horseshit.
It's not over.
You're in for a fight, Russell.
Would you stop following me, please?
Thankyou.
We're not gonna bend over and take this!
Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Happy holidays, General!
Cute.
Dr. Kane, areyou asking me to bar the federal government...
from involvement in a discovery as significant as this?
No, no. We're asking you to make sure that the local scientists...
who actually made the discovery continue to play a significant role.
They kept us out for almost two weeks.
We put our lives on the line to find these little guys, Your Majesty.
Wejust want to be there for them as they grow up.
We were the first team at the site and the initial testing was done in our lab.
The facilities at Glen Canyon Community College are ajoke, sir.
Theyweren't ajoke when I went there, General.
Your Honor, ifthe court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?
Depose me?
We thinkyour past is very relevant, Dr. Kane.
These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist.
Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher...
at USAMRI D from '94 to '97, wereyou not?
Yes, that's correct.
And you were summarily dismissed in the summer of 1 997. Any idea why?
My services were no long required?
Uh-huh. So in your opinion...
your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine...
you developed and gave to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers in May ofthatyear?
I see whereyou're going with this.
It may have been a factor. You'd have to ask theJoint Chiefs ofStaff.
I'll make a note to do that. But for now...
can you tell me what happened to the soldiers that were inoculated?
Well, none ofthem got anthrax, ifthat's whatyou're asking.
What did they get?
As with any new vaccine...
there were certain side effects associated with it.
Could you be more specific?
It was a wide range ofthings. It's very technical.
I'd hate to waste the court's time getting into it.
Humor me.
Some debilitating stomach cramps.
Severe diarrhea.
Memory loss.
Yes, go on. Any more symptoms?
Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling...
bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable fatulence.
I think that's it.
One more question.
Doyou happen to remember what the soldiers called this illness, Dr. Kane?
Yeah, they called it the Kane Madness.
Keepyour head up.
You know she wanted to giveyou some, right?
Wereyou even in that courtroom?
Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.
Oh, we've been hit.
Forget the foreplay. Wejust got screwed.
- Empty. - This is very, very bad.
Damn it!
I don't care who they are. Stealing is stealing.
Perfect.
They took the rock, the samples, all the little wormy critters.
All the data's gone. TheJ PEG files, the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out.
- I'm calling the cops. - The cops?
They are the cops!
Then what?
Let me askyou, how comeyou get to be a colonel and I'm just a private?
I was a colonel.
And you obviously served your countrywith distinction.
Consideryourselflucky. The penalty for impersonating an officer is prison.
Yeah, maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
Colonels first.
I was at it for 12 hours.
My toes were starting to hurt I was standing so long.
Stop it.
-Just act likeyou belong. - Don't worry, I got this.
- Pick up that butt, soldier. - Sorry, sir.
- And tuck that shirt in. - Yes, sir.
Get the door.
Thankyou, Private.
Don't get used to this.
Oh-oh, look at that.
Enjoyyour lunch, gentlemen.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Your girlfriend, 1 1 :00.
Darn it.
That woman's a menace.
Testing, one, two. One, two. One, one, one, two.
This is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius.
Will you stop? I can hearyou.
Don'tyou snap at me, unless you want an angry Solid Gold dancer on your hands.
Lieutenant?
Yeah?
Who's that?
I don't know.
I don't have anything on my schedule.
Maybe it's the guys from sector 1 2 doing a nocturnal specimen run.
- You know how those guys are. - Oh, yeah.
This place has changed.
Can you believe this?
Look at that.
Our little babies are growing up.
Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.
Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.
Harry, check that guy out.
Is it coming or going?
That treejust ate it.
Everything here seems to be food for something else.
- So stay offthe menu, huh? - You got that right.
Ira, come here, look at these little things.
Cool. Hey, snag one.
- Snag one? - Snag one and put him in the bucket.
I seen this movie. The black dude dies first. You snag it.
Don't be scared. We came for a specimen, now snag one.
He's not gonna hurtyou. He's turned the otherway.
He's eating.
Come on, my little red lobster.
Come on, my sexy little crustacean.
Come on.
Whoa!
Ira, look at that backside.
Theater in the round.
That's the kind oftrunk space you want in a late model car.
Who does that remind you of?
I have no idea whatyou're talking about.
She's been throwing it atyou enough.
- Dr. Reed? - Bull's-eye.
Excuse me, Dr. Reed? Did you authorize a walk-through?
Nope. Why?
You should probably take a look at something. Here.
You'd like to roast that rump. You'd like to butter that mother.
That is an ice image. And Iappreciate your assumption...
that there is anactual sexualhumanbeing...
underneathall Dr. Reed's deep-seatedneuroses.
- ButIdon't thinkso. - What?
I thinksheis ahumorless ice queen.
Ira, that'sjusta cover.
Don'tyouknowthat? Allsheneeds isagoodhumping.
Oh, Ira. Ira!
Harry, stop that. We got tagetapiece of the asteroid like we came for.
And cut that out. It disturbs me.
- Ira! - Don'tdo that behind my back.
- I'm not doing it. I'm just walking. - Cut it out.
Let's bag that and get the hell out ofhere.
I'm readywhen you are, Colonel.
This disco suit is making me chafe.
Shoo, fy.
Hold it right there.
Dr. Reed, so nice to seeyou again. We werejust leaving.
You're in violation ofthejudge's orders. I could haveyou arrested.
Want to talk about violations? What about our lab?
- Got any Raid? - What areyou talking about?
You stole our computer hard drive, samples, files. Everything.
- I didn't steal anything. - Your buddies there cleaned us out.
Let's be honest. You've been trying to grab credit on our discovery.
All we're trying to do is take back a piece ofwhat's rightfully ours.
Credit has nothing to do with this. I'm concerned about public safety.
- Is this true? Areyou aware ofthis? - No.
Something's in my suit.
You're not gonna believe him. He openly admitted to hacking into our computer.
Harry, what?
There's something in my suit!
It's impossible. It's sealed!
The fy! There's a fy in my suit!
- Don't take offyour helmet! Oxygen! - It'll kill it.
Doyou see it? Look, look. Doyou see it?
- No. - No?
- You're all right. Who's the man? - You're the man.
- No, you're the man. - I'm the man. Okay.
Oh, God.
It's in me!
For the love ofeverything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out ofme!
You're gonna be okay. Cut him open. Let's get this thing.
Cut me open? There goes your Christmas gift,Judas!
It's moving down his leg.
- What do we do? - Maybe amputate.
Whoa, don't take the leg! Don't let 'em take my leg.
Is there anything elseyou can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
Doctor, look.
It's heading for his testicles.
Take it! Take the leg!
Wait, wait! It's going the otherway.
Give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.
- How'reyou going in? - Rectally.
- Ohh! - I'll get the lubricant.
- No time for lubricant. - There's always time for lubricant!
- Flip him! - Go.
Okay, here we go.
- Try to relax. - Everything's gonna be okay.
I'll shove this gurney upyour ass! See ifyou relax, Ira.
- Cheek spreader. - All right. I'm going in.
Don't clench!
You're so brave.
- A little more. - No more!
- A little deeper. - No deeper!
- Squeeze my hand. Squeeze it! - Almost there.
Open up. Open up!
- Breathe. Breathe. - I'm breathing!
- Almost there. - You're there!
It's over, it's over.
Itjust died.
Don'tyou ever do that again!
The size ofthat thing insideyou! It was like this! You took it like a man.
You're all right. You did great. Can I getyou anything?
Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please.
- What favor? - It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Man! Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior?
I'm thinking seriously about moving. Maybe to California, start over.
Because ofthe fireman thing? Big deal. You funked out.
You know how many times I've funked in my life? A ton.
Hey, pool boy, you watering down the mai tais?
No, sir. But let me fixyou something special.
'Causeyou're nothing but a big, fat monkey turd.
Excuse me?
What?
Drink's almost ready.
Hereyou go. That should tideyou over.
Anddon'tforget, folks That's whatyouget, folks
Formaking whoopee
Oh, damn it!
That's gonna stain.
Barry! Barry, where areyou?
I can't seeyou. Where areyou?
I'm down here, my pet, by the water.
Somethingjust ate Barry Cartwright!
That's too bad.
I don't get it. How does someone with your background...
credentials and talent end up...
likeyou?
Thankyou.
Your partner could have died. What wereyou thinking?
I was desperate.
I've been exiled out here for 5 years, watching the world pass me by...
and this amazing discovery falls into my lap.
I look at it as my ticket out ofhere.
But I don't suppose you would understand that.
No, how could I? I'm a humorless ice maiden in need ofa good humping.
- You heard that, huh? - Loud and clear.
Don't thinkyou know so much about me. You don't.
I'm sure I don't.
Thankyou for not calling the cops.
Oh, be careful!
Stop being such a baby.
I've seen that car before.
No more bran for me.
Hey, girls.
Stop. Cut it out.
Hey, it's the meteor guy.
What's in the bag? Your blow-up doll?
Oh, no. I got something thatyou're really gonna like.
- What happened toyou? - Shut up.
You guys teach here?
Yeah.
I was thinking about taking some classes.
But I decided to hit thejob market early and get ajump start on things.
Can we helpyou?
Yeah. A guy got killed at my country club last night.
A real douche bag.
Thatjust doesn't make it right.
It was an animal attack.
Isn't that something?
Happened by the water hazard on the fourth green.
The lady he was banging saw the whole thing.
We chased this sucker on the fairway, and then it died in a sand trap.
Itjust died? How?
Like it was choking to death.
You know? Stopped breathing.
Anyway...
it's like nothing I ever saw before and I thoughtyou might want to look at it.
Jill, you've got some kind ofinfestation here.
You have a serious bug problem.
What?
Jill, there's something in your closet.
Open the door, Grace.
Me? It's your house.
When did you get a dog?
We don't have a damn dog.
I don't think that's a dog. It's like a rodent.
Or a muskrat or pig.
- How the hell did it get in here? - It doesn't look too healthy.
Well, it's frightened.
Oh, look, he can barely breathe, he's so scared.
Come on, cutie pie. Don't be afraid.
Come on, come on. That's a good boy.
Yes, 91 1 ?
What the hell is that thing?
Thanks.
Pick me up in an hour. No, two. Oh, an hour and a halfwould be good.
Thanks.
Hi. Doyou have any messages for me?
Two single beds, please. We're fighting.
Ira, I'm tired. I've had two hours sleep and I've got to take a shower.
They're spreading.
You talking about the golfcourse? Woodman sent a team there two hours ago.
Well, it's too bad you missed the five-foot amphibian dead in my lab.
They're adapting. We gotta shut it down.
You're overreacting. We can handle this.
I used to be arrogant likeyou.
We're both aware ofwhat that led to. Take me seriously, Allison.
I do takeyou seriously.
Then you gotta talk to Woodman, 'cause he won't listen to me.
We gotta kill these things while we still can.
All right. I'll discuss it with him, but I can't promiseyou anything.
Thankyou.
-Just one more thing. - Yeah?
Doyou thinkyou could ever be attracted to me?
Bye, Ira.
It'sjust food for thought.
Yeah, she's mine.
I've been an adjunct professor for fouryears...
but I'm hoping this alien brouhaha will net me an honorary doctorate.
You gonna finish that bacon?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I ordered it, didn't I?
So about the coaching girls' volleyball?
Doyou ever get to see them take showers?
Yeah, all the time. Sometimes I showerwith them.
You're kidding, right?
- So? - She's gonna talk to Woodman.
Ah, thank goodness.
I'm okay.
Level with me.
Is there some sort ofalien attack happening here?
We don't know.
Excuse me, could I borrowyour cream?
Hi, Denise.
Hello, Ira. Still setting the world on fire?
Ow.
That's Ira's ex sitting with the cop.
What's with the police escort? You're not under arrest. I don't see handcuffs.
That's funny. This is my friend, Sam. He's about to make detective.
I know Sam. We go way back. Congratulations.
Maybeyou could look into my missing shirts. She left with some ofmy shirts.
See what I mean?
I'm not up on the law...
but is it against the law when you leave somebody's house with what they own?
You wantyour shirt?
Seriously, take it.
You must be cold, right? Areyou cold? Is that it?
Why should I get to wear the shirt when it's your shirt?
It's amazing how manywomen open their shirt to him.
I'm sure he'll letyou borrow the shirt forjust today. Right, Professor?
Wegota code 12-72 in Valley Vista.
1 2-72? That's an animal attack.
1 0-9-9 responding.
- Gotta go, babe. - Now?
They're calling.
Wait.
Be careful.
- You'll take care ofthe check, right? - Yeah.
I want those shirts back, Denise.
Hey, you gotta admit...
this animal attack has an ominous feel to it.
Check it out?
- Check it out. - All right!
We're under the microscope so let's be systematic and subtle in what we do.
- No cowboy stuff, okay? - Professionals.
OfficerJohnson.
- Fellas, why areyou here? - We heard about the animal attack.
And part ofourjob with the Health Department...
is to ascertain ifthere's any health risk.
You know what? No. Not this time. Forget about it.
- You touch it with your bare hands? - That would be a serious no-no.
- You did? He touched it. - That's not good.
- What do we do? - I don't know.
Okay, why don'tyou guys come in and take a look?
I'll be checking things out around here in this vicinity.
This dog is all ass.
Ira, look at this, man.
He would have come from in here, right?
It'sjust used for storage and access under the house.
Looks like he crawled right through the dirt there.
Hey, guys.
I was conducting a parameter check...
and there's something you'd better see.
You liked that thing, you're gonna love this.
What is it?
Great googa-mooga!
What'd I tell you?
They're crawling out.
They're trying to breathe in our atmosphere.
Fortunately, they haven't been able to adaptyet.
Hey, Ira, I think I know how these things got here.
How?
Well, this entire area...
is a honeycomb ofcaves and old mine shafts.
Ifmemory serves, the Moenave cave system...
starts a few miles from here, west ofthe golfcourse.
Runs into the foothills, continues to the Kaibab plateau and into Lake Powell.
Our cave is smack dab in the middle ofthe system.
It's all connected.
- Could you repeat that? - I'm impressed.
Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart ofa true scientist.
Whoa, guys! That one's moving.
What the hell is it doing?
It's trying to breathe.
That's like a big loogie!
Mazeltov. It's a boy.
It's oxygen tolerant.
It's fying away. Is that a bad thing?
Only ifyou're a human being.
You know how much I hate shopping.
We need to find you something nice forThanksgiving.
I got enough clothes.
Tony, that color's great on you.
Whoa.
This might be the place.
Ever used one ofthese before?
Just 'cause I'm a school teacher, don't make me a pussy.
Ladies, a fying extraterrestrial's in the store. Can we focus?
I'm in here.Just a minute.
Just a second, please.
I said,just a second, bitch!
How'd you like me to scratch the eyes out ofyour skull?
Here, birdy-birdy-birdy. Birdy!
All right.
IfI was a giant, nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?
Lingerie.
- Notyou, the bird. - Lingerie.
Help!
You go low. I'm going high.
Got it.
We'll never find it.
I lost him!
How doyou lose a 20-foot bird in the mall?
Ira, I don't know.
What do we do now?
We've established that "ca-caw, ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work.
Right. Sorry.
What doyou say, Ira? Pack it in?
Youare
Sobeautifultome
Step back, Harry. I'm gonna shoot him.
Stand down. I'm gonna kill this one myself.
Give me a chance. I'm communicating here.
Youaresobeautiful
Tome
Wayne, would you please stop, becauseyou are embarrassing me.
Can'tyousee
You're every--
You're everything thatIhope for
It's working.
Yeah, sing, sing. Rub some funk on it.
Andyou're everythingIneed
Here he comes!
- Grab the girl. I'll get the bird. - Got it!
All right! Nice shot.
I'm sorry. I swear to God I will never shoplift again.
Good.
So what doyou want? Light meat or dark?
You have to ask?
It's dead now.
Yeah.
Got tostart to feelin'solow
AndIdecidedquickly
Yes, Idid
To disco downandcheck out theshow
Yeah, they were dancin'andsingin'
Andmovin'to thegroovin'
Andjust whenithitme
Somebodyturnedaroundandshouted
Play thatfunkymusic, whiteboy
Play thatfunkymusic right
I'mstandingat the edge of the Valley Vistahousingcommunity...
wherejust below me there are dozens ofgiant, odd-looking dead creatures.
We should stress to ourviewers that we have received no official word from--
I saw this ugly tentacle thing come out ofthe ground.
It tried to grab my private parts.
Batted it away. Got my hand.
An atmosphere ofanxiety and confusion in the greater Glen Canyon area.
We stand outside the state capitol building...
awaiting comment from the governor's office about the nature and origin...
ofthese extraordinary creatures.
Governor Lewis, this way.
Whywas I not informed that we have aliens crawling over my beloved state?
I've got 400 media vultures outside my office who know more about this than I.
I ought to throw all ofyou in prison.
Not that cushy federal place with the loosejumpsuits.
State prison, with the crotch binders!
I'm sorry, but there were security breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.
Wait a minute. No, no. Excuse me.
That's not exactly true, General Woodman.
I believe the Governor's question was directed at me, Dr. Reed.
Put a plug in it. I'm not interested in your bureaucratic crapola.
What I reallywant to know is how bad this thing is.
It's bad, Governor.
The new ground sensors and the satellite thermal scans...
indicate a potential problem.
I don't know how to read this! What problem?
Somebody, please, take this ugly bag ofsnakes and lay them out straight.
- Allow me. - You are--
Dr. Allison Reed. How doyou do?
Carla, would you mind
The red markings indicate the growth ofthe alien ecosystem.
Unless we do something immediately, we will lose Glen Canyon in three days.
Great merciful Christ.
In a week, the rest ofArizona. Then the entire Southwest.
In two months, the United States officially belongs to them.
And we are extinct.
You're shittin' me!
Come on, admit it. You're glad to see us, huh?
I, for one, am glad to seeyou. Call the MP's. Have them arrested.
Hey, wejust blew a giant alien bird out ofa department store.
We're covering upyour mess.
Governor, Dr. Ira Kane. I'm chairman of the science department at the college.
My associate.
Harry Phineas Block, adjunct professor ofgeology. Voted foryou.
Wayne Grey. Took some chemistry in high school.
You two gentlemen are the original discovers ofthe phenomena, correct?
Yes, they are. And they're also responsible for the mess we're in now.
- Here we go. - What?
They broke into the contained area and breached our safety procedures.
Causing the dissemination ofalien organisms outside the secured area.
- Liar, liar, pants on fire! - Criminal charges are in order here.
This is bullshit!
Shut up! Listen.
My state is being overrun byvicious aliens.
You're all supposed to be the experts. I want to know right now.
How the hell areyou supposed to deal with this?
This is an outline ofthe infected area as ofthis afternoon.
Governor, my plan...
is to evacuate everyone from within five miles ofthe perimeter.
Evacuation? You're talking about 10,000 people.
Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe...
and then burn the alien menace the hell out ofthere.
With what?
With napalm. Lots and lots ofnapalm.
Napalm? Why don'tyoujust nuke them whileyou're at it?
What about nukes?
Pull your horns in, boys. Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.
All this talk about napalm and burning things makes me very damn nervous.
It should. We don't know their reaction to such an attack on a cellular level.
Governor, it is time for a military solution. This will work.
General, sorry to interrupt. You better take a look at this.
What?
Clear out.
What? You called me out for this?
Sir, one ofthe creatures destroyed video four.
What's going on there?
My God! They've evolved into primates.
That's a face for radio.
They took out six and seven.
All the monitors are down.
That can't be good.
That's the elevator.
We have no personnel down there.
They breached the air lock.
The no-nose chimp?
Call for backup.
We need backup! They're going through the elevator!
Cover the elevator!
Stay back behind me.
Get the hell offme! I want to see this thing!
Be prepared to fire.
It's empty, sir.
The governor!
- Do something! - Hold your fire!
You'll get somebody killed.
Nice shot.
I'll take that now.
You have my full support to do whatever you need to do, however much firepower.
You can melt the place to beaded glass ifthat's what it takes.
Just get these hell-blown creazoids out ofmy state!
Thankyou, Governor. I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow.
Good.
- Where haveyou two been? - I was getting out ofthe way.
Get me out ofhere.
Science project's over.
I wantyou and your people gone.
- Soldier, escort these men out. - Yes, sir.
Don'tyou have work to do?
You are such an asshole.
When a woman expresses anger, it's often because--
Shut up, Flemming.
Okay, I know where the car is.
Wipe my ass too?
Hey, guys?
Got room for one more?
Hell, yeah.
Who wants to be deputy director anyway? The real money's in the private sector.
- Areyou sure about this? - Oh, yeah.
Listen, it may not seem like much, but I gotyour research files and samples.
So, ifwe survive this, you guys will get the credit.
Thankyou.
- It's nothing. - No, thank-- Let me get this.
- No, I got it. - All right.
Sorry. Excuse me.
We haven't been formally introduced yet. I'm Wayne Grey.
- Oh, hey, I'm kinda with him. - Oh, that's cool.
Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling.
Okay. Oh, goodness!
Facilitiesarebeingprovided foryouandyour families.
Pleasemove inan orderly fashion to thesafe zone.
They're gonna blow up the whole town.
Attention. Weneedto clearthisarea.
Foryourownsafety, evacuateimmediately.
Can you make a beer run?
- Professor Kane! - Arizona is going down, baby!
This may not be the best time foryou boys to be drinking.
I was your first.
We discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.
It was just you, me and Harry in the beginning. Those were good times.
Why don't you level with me?
You can trust me. Talk to me.
Just tell me the secret.
Tell me the answer. Tell me how to kill you!
You are losing it, pal.
What is that stuff?
Some ofthe original liquid material from inside the meteor.
- Why hasn't it evolved like the rest? - I don't know.
Maybe because it was refrigerated...
was locked in an airtight case, didn't have anything to metabolize with.
But regardless, that doesn't give us any clues to--
When did you start smoking?
Not much ofa point to clean living anymore.
Whoa!
These things react to fire like it was Miracle-Gro.
Fire.
The organisms were dormant in space and then collided with Earth's atmosphere.
And bam! Heat. Fire. That's the catalyst.
So ifa little match catalyzes this stuff, what's a ton ofnapalm gonna do?
So much for the military option.
Call that dick general.
That's a lot ofnapalm.
Yes, it is.
We're going to blow those damn creatures straight to hell.
We'll fush them out along the mine shafts...
then mop up the edges as they run trying to escape the fames.
Excuse me, General. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.
She says she has important information about the mission.
Really? Well, unfortunately, I'm not available.
Anything more?
No, sir.
He blew me off. Can you believe it?
That bastard wouldn't even take my call.
You did call him an asshole.
- Hey, Dr. K. Time to party. - We got beer.
- I'll take one. - Me too. I just quit smoking.
What areyou boys doing here?
We thoughtyou could use a brewski to mellow out.
Kick back and chill.
Have a beer, relax. It's gonna helpyou with your research.
Whoa! Look at that thing!
Whoa! Can we have that when you guys are done with it?
Fellas, thankyou foryour help and the beers, but we're working.
Hold it. Hold it.
- Look at that. - What areyou doing?
Selenium. That could be the answer.
I'm looking at the Periodic Table on yourT-shirt and I see this pattern.
- Take offyour shirt. I'll showyou. - Yes!
No, I don't think so.
We are a carbon based life-form.
Keep pulling, Dr. K.
We move down here, and you've found our poison: arsenic.
But the aliens are nitrogen based, right?
You make the same move down and over...
and where doyou find yourself?
- Selenium. - Selenium.
Could be as lethal to them as arsenic is to us.
And with their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast.
Selenium. How much do we need?
Five hundred gallons could do it, should do it.
Five hundred gallons?
Um, I hate to be a buzzkill, but where are we gonna get that at 2:00 a.m.?
No problem.
Yeah, we can get that.
Head & Shoulders.
The dandruffshampoo?
Yeah, that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide.
How doyou know that? You don't know anything.
Haven'tyou noticed how shiny and fake-free our hair is?
Okay, this is the best idea we got.
Let's give it a shot. Come on. Let's do it!
Yeah! We'll get the troops together. We're getting shampoo!
I've got the vehicle.
Good! Donalds, youjust gotyourA's.
Yes!
Almost full.
There's something I feel I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Just say it. We're adults and we're all about to die a very horrible death.
So?
I would've rocked yourworld.
- You already have. - We're full!
Battle stations! Lock and load!
- Can we continue this discussion later? - Yes.
Let's do this!
Let's shampoo us some aliens!
Lots ofsoldiers around.
There's an abandoned mine halfa click south ofhere. We can sneak in there.
Halfa click? What areyou, in Vietnam?
Hey, I'm digging this. Workwith me, baby.
It's over here! It's right here!
- You okay? - I'm good. I'm good.
- Let's go! - Let's do this!
You sure this leads to the main cavern?
It'll lead us somewhere. Geology's not an exact science.
Where areyou? Where areyou, my little aliens?
Showyourself.
Warm to the touch.
Highly acidic.
We do not have time foryou to act likeyou know whatyou're doing.
- What happened to the respect? - Woodman's going at noon. Hurry.
Very good.
- Are the troops in place? - They're ahead ofschedule.
Excellent. We can go early.
Oh, no. What is he doing here?
Governor Lewis.
I don't see anything burning. Where are all the explosions?
We'rejust getting underway. Didn't know you were coming to see the show.
You damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant.
That's General.
Not ifyou screw this up. Keeping my chairwarm for me?
Thankyou.
I'll take a pair ofspy glasses and a hot chocolate.
Give me a hose.
Get up top. When I giveyou the signal, start pumping the selenium.
Got it.
Okay, we're gonna spray all around the meteor, then get out ofhere fast.
Oh, blue monkey!
Wayne, charge the line now!
- That's the napalm! - Woodman went early!
Bad, bad, bad, bad!
Wayne, come on!
Okay, I'm out!
Oh! We gotta go!
Go! Go, go! Faster! Get up there!
- Go! - Run foryour life!
Quite the bonfire, General Woodman. Should've brought some wieners.
That can be arranged.
- First reports are excellent, sir. - Very good.
Keep it together, Wayne. Keep it together.
Oh, my God.
What's happening?
- It's coming! - What's coming?
Get outta here!
General, look.
Hurry!
Drive!
Go! Go!
Fall back. Fall back!
What the hell is that thing?
The napalm forced an evolutionary response,just like the match.
That's evolution?
Survival ofthe fittest. Often the simplest organism is the strongest.
It's freaking out.
It's starting to have some sort ofspaz attack.
No, that's not spazzing out.
It's getting ready to divide.
Mitosis.
Wait. There's gonna be more ofthese things?
Yeah, a lot more.
Its cycle's starting over again. It's gonna go on growing...
and doubling until it takes over.
Yeah, but we were here first.
So that Head & Shoulders idea, is that still the plan orwhat?
I'm driving.
I don't care ifhe's on Air Force One. They've got phones. I've seen them!
I don't think this is gonna wait an hour.
Hey, what's that fire truck doing out there?
Mama.
Can you believe this?
We gotta find a point ofattack.
There!
Nasty!
Allison, stop, stop. Right here.
- Here we go! - Get the ladder up!
Feed me the hose, Deke!
- What areyou doing? - Going up top.
Not before me. I've got a major score to settle.
Go, go!
We don't have much time. Hurry!
- Left! - Left!
All right, I got it. I haven't had too much practice with this thing.
Stop! Stop!
- What's going on? - I don't know, but it's getting bigger.
What the hell are those guys doing with that ladder?
Looks like they're getting ready to administer ajumbo enema.
We got one shot. Let's do this.
It's payback time!
Keep it in there!
What's it look like I'm doing?
It's working!
- Shit! - Whoa!
What the hell?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!
She's gonna blow!
Stop kicking!
It's horrible in here!
I gotyou!
- Please. Hold me. - I gotyou!
Don't let me go!
We gotta get outta here. This thing's gonna blow.
You cannot imagine what I've seen in there.
Hurry up, guys!
Ira, don'tyou ever tell anyone where I've been.
Dear Lord!
Uh-oh. Time to go.
- Go! - Go!
Whoa! We did it!
Here we go, sir.Just relax, and we'll haveyoujust as good as new.
I am happy to report that absolutely all remaining traces...
ofthe alien menace have been eradicated...
using the selenium shampoo formula developed right here.
Now let me introduce our civilian scientist heroes and their team.
The best that the great state ofArizona has been privileged to produce.
So, this is your moment.
You wouldn't want to miss this for anything, huh?
Firstly, I would likeyou all to meet Wayne Grey.
As oftoday, fully credentialed firefighter.
I spoke to the chief.
Oh, thanks, Governor.
Now our next hero, Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...
and the winningest coach in North Arizona's women's volleyball.
I appreciate that, Governor. Very kind.
First ofall, let's give it up to God. With Him, all things are possible.
Basically, wejust played tough defense, took it one alien at a time...
and we were able to come away with the big W.
Thankyou.
Finally...
Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed...
whose tireless efforts and research and academic findings led to the--
I think he's giving her a bit ofthe Kane Madness.
Wow! Fighting the alien menace can be tough work.
And so is keeping your hair clean, shiny and dandruff-free.
So it's a good thing that we always keep a healthy supply of--
Subrip by drEAmEr(C)