Oh, yeah
Oh
Youīre gonna wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn
Youīre gonna wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn
You didn't realize
Oh, youīre gonna miss me, baby
- Oh, youīre gonna miss me, baby - What came first?
The music or the misery?
People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos...
that some sort of culture ofviolence will take them over.
Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands...
literally, thousands ofsongs about heartbreak, rejection...
pain, misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable...
or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
Youīre gonna wake up wonderin'
Findyourselfon the floor
You donīt have to go this second. You can stay until whenever.
No. Weīve done the hard part now. l might as well...
Why donīt you stay for tonight then?
Laura.
Youīre just gonna...
My desert island, all-time top five most memorable breakups...
in chronological order...
are as follows:
Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick...
Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson and Sarah Kendrew.
Those were the ones that really hurt.
Can you see your name on that list, Laura?
Maybe youīd sneak into the top ten.
But thereīs just no room foryou in the top five. Sorry!
Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak...
youīre just not capable of delivering.
I'm not coming home
If you really wanted to mess me up, you shouldīve gotten to me earlier!
Oh, yeah
Oh
Which brings us to number one on the top five, all-time breakup list:
Alison Ashmore.
Candy on the beach Thereīs nothing better
One moment they werenīt there. Not in any form that interested us, anyway.
And then the next, you couldnīt miss them.
They were everywhere, and theyīd grown breasts.
- And we wanted... - I want candy
Actually, we didnīt even know what we wanted.
- I want candy - But it was something interesting.
- Disturbing, even. - I want candy
- My relationship with Alison Ashmore lasted for six hours: - I want candy
the two hours after school, before The RockfordFiles...
for three days in a row.
But on the fourth afternoon...
Kevin Bannister.
Slut.
lt would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed...
relationships have become more sophisticated...
females less cruel...
skins thicker, instincts more developed.
But there seems to be an element ofthat afternoon in everything thatīs happened to me since.
All my romantic stories are a scrambled version ofthat first one.
Number two on the top five, all-time breakup list was Penny Hardwick.
Penny was great-looking...
and her top-five recording artists were Carly Simon, Carole King...
James Taylor, Cat Stevens and Elton John.
I remember when rock wasyoung
- Me and Susie had so much fun - Erin! No, come here!
Holdin' hands and skimminī stones
- Hadan old gold Chevy and a place of my own - She was nice.
Nice manners, nice grades, nice looking.
She was so nice, in fact, that she wouldnīt let me put my hand...
underneath or even on top of her bra.
- Now, when she comes walkin' over - Attack and defence. lnvasion and repulsion.
lt was as if breasts were little pieces of property that had unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex.
They were rightfully ours, and we wanted them back.
Crimson andclover
Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breasts that I would try to touch her between her legs.
l was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down and asking for 50 grand instead.
l wasnīt interested in Pennyīs nice qualities, just breasts...
and therefore she was no good to me.
Whatīs the point? lt never goes anywhere.
Rob?
l started dating a girl who everyone said would give it up and who didnīt...
and Penny went with this asshole named Chris Thompson who told me that he had sex with her...
after something like three dates.
l own this store called Championship Vinyl.
ltīs located in a neighbourhood that attracts the bare minimum ofwindow shoppers.
l get by because the people make a special effort to shop here.
Mostly young men...
who spend all their time looking for deleted Smiths singles...
and original... not re-released, underlined... Frank Zappa albums.
Fetish properties are not unlike porn.
I'd feel guilty taking their money if I wasnīt...
well, kinda one ofīem.
- Morning, Dick. - Oh. Hi. Hi, Rob.
- Have a good weekend? - Yeah, okay.
Um, I found the first Liquorice Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl...
the one on Testament of outh.
Never released here. A Japanese import only.
Great. Great.
- I'll tape it foryou. - No, thatīs okay. Really.
īCause you liked their second one, you said. Um, Pop Girls, Etc.
Thatīs the one with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.
Oh, you never saw the cover, though. You just had that tape that I made you.
Yeah, I havenīt really absorbed that one yet.
Well...
- I'll just make it foryou. - Okay.
Seymour Stein
I've been lonely
- Dick. Whatīs this? - ltīs the new Belle and Sebastian.
Do you like it?
Holy Shiite.
- What the fuck is that? - Itīs the new Belle and Sebastian that...
ltīs a record weīve been listening to and enjoying, Barry.
Well, thatīs unfortunate, because it sucks ass.
Yours, I assume.
Mmm, yeah
l used to think maybe you lovedme
Now, baby, I'm sure
Turn it off, Barry!
-Andljust canīt wait till the day whenyou knock - lt wonīt go any louder! l...
- On my door - Turn it off!
Now everytime l go for the mailbox l gotta hold myself down
īCause l just canīt wait till you write meyour...
Okay, buddy, uh, l was just trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music. See if I care.
l donīt wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry. I just want something that I can ignore.
Hereīs the thing: l made that tape special for today.
My special Monday morning tape for you, special!
Well, itīs fucking Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!
Come on, dude. Play it.
Donīt you wanna hear whatīs next?
- Whatīs next? - Play it.
Say it.
"Little Latin Loopy-Loo".
- Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels? - No!
- The Righteous Brothers. - Well, never mind.
No, not never mind. You tell me right now... whatīs wrong with the Righteous Brothers?
- Nothing. l... I just prefer the other one. - Bullshit!
How can it be bullshit to state a preference?
- Since when did this store become a fascist regime? - Since you brought that bullshit tape in.
Oh, man, thatīs great. Thatīs the fun thing about working in a record store.
You get to play crappy pap you donīt even wanna listen to.
l just... I thought this tape was gonna be a fuckinī...
conversation stimulator, man.
l was gonna askyou for your top five records to play on a Monday morning and all that...
and you just had to fuckinī ruin it.
- Weīll do it next Monday. - No! I wanna do it now!
l canīt fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week, and they just started showing up every day.
That was fouryears ago.
Number three on the top five all-time breakup list?
Charlie Nicholson. Sophomore year ofcollege.
Whoo! Am I glad thatīs over.
As soon as I saw her I realized she was the kind of girl I'd wanted to meet...
ever since I was old enough to want to meet girls.
l mean, she was different.
She was dramatic and she was exotic.
- The guy with the make-up and the tongue. - Gene Simmons. - Gene Simmons. There.
And she talked a lot, and when she talked she said remarkably interesting things...
about music, books, fi lm and politics.
- Yeah, Chairman Mao. - And she talked a lot. - Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?
- No. - Huh? No.
And you wonīt will you, sweetheart? No.
Kiss my neck. Yeah.
And she liked me.
She liked me. She liked me.
At least I think she did.
- Do you like that one? - Yeah.
ltīs okay.
We went out for two years, and...
l never got comfortable.
Why would a girl... No, a woman like Charlie go out with me?
l felt like a fraud. I felt like one of those people who suddenly shave their heads and said theyīd always been punks.
l was sure I'd be discovered at any second.
And I worried about my abilities as a lover.
And I was intimidated by other men in her design department...
and became convinced she was gonna leave me for one ofthem.
Then she left me for one of them. The dreaded Marco.
Charlie, you fucking bitch! Letīs work it out!
Just open the fucking door! Charlie!
Look, letīs talk it... Char...
And then I lost it.
Kinda lost it all, you know?
Faith, dignity, about 1 5 pounds.
When I came to a few months later...
l found, to my surprise, l had flunked out ofschool.
l started working in a record shop.
Some people never got over' Nam or the night their band opened for Nirvana.
l guess I never really got over Charlie.
But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie debacle is that you gotta punch your weight.
See, Charlie, sheīs out of my class.
Sheīs too pretty, too smart, too witty, too much.
l mean, what am l? I'm a middleweight.
Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the dumbest.
l mean, I've read books like The Unbearable Lightness ofBeing...
and Love in the Time ofCholera and, uh... and I think I've understood them.
l mean, theyīre about girls, right? Just kidding.
But I have to say...
my all-time favourite book is Johnny Cashīs autobiography, Cash by Johnny Cash.
- Championship. - Hi.
Hi.
Um, I was thinking...
l could come by the house and pick up some stuff while youīre at work tomorrow.
While I'm at work. While I'm at work.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy. - Thatīs what you got to say is, "Oh, boy"?
l mean, bravo. Thatīs...
- Laura, this is just so dumb. l mean, you should... - Look, Rob.
l gotta go.
Um, I'm looking for a record for my daughter for her birthday.
"l Just Called to Say I Love You". Do you have it?
- Yeah. - Great. - We have it. - Great.
- Can I have it then? - No. No, you canīt.
- Why not? - Well, itīs sentimental, tacky crap, thatīs why not.
Do we look like the kind ofstore that sells "l Just Called to Say I Love You"?
Go to the mall.
- Whatīs your problem? - Do you even know your daughter?
Thereīs no way she likes that song. Oh... Uh, oh, is she in a coma?
Oh, okay, buddy. I didnīt know it was Pick On The Middle-Aged Square Guy Day.
My apologies. I'll be on my way.
Bye-bye.
Fuck you.
Nice, Barry. Really, really nice. That was just top class.
Rob. Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the'80s and'90s. Go.
Sub-question: ls it, in fact, unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter-day sins?
ls it better to burn out than to fade away?
-Barry, I'm fucking broke, man! -Jesus! He was gonna buy one record, which we didnīt even have, and then leave and never come back again anyway.
-Thatīs not the point. What did he ever do to you? -He offended me with his terrible taste.
lt wasnīt even his terrible taste. lt was his daughterīs.
Are you defending that ass-muncher? Come on, Rob.
Youīre going soft in your old age. Jesus!
Now all ofa sudden I'm offending your golf buddy.
I'm gonna tell you something foryour own good, pal.
Thatīs the worst fuckinī sweater I've ever seen. ltīs a Cosby sweater.
A Cosby sweater!
Did Laura let you leave the house like that, because...
- Hey... - Hey! Hey! - Fuckinī asshole.
- What are you do... - Shut up. Will you shut up?
- Uh... - Will you? - break it up. - Youīre a fuckinī maniac.
I swear to God, ifyou tore this thing, itīs vintage, and I would fuckinī sockyour nose.
Youīll pay big.
Are you all right?
Yeah. Look, Dick, Laura and l broke up. Sheīs gone.
So if you ever see Barry again, maybe you could tell him that.
Of course I will, Rob. No problem.
No problem at all.
I'll tell him next time I see him. Defi nitely.
I've, uh, got some other stuff to tell him, anyway, so itīs no problem.
I'll just tell him, you know, about Laura...
um, when I tell him...
the other stuff.
Do you want to talk about it, that kind ofthing?
No. Thank you, though, Dick.
Thank you.
Look at these. I used to dream I'd be surrounded by exotic womenīs underwear forever and ever.
Now I know they just save their best pairs for the nights they know theyīre gonna sleep with somebody.
Hello, Laura, this is your mother. Your father's angina is a little rough today.
l thought he might like to talk to you. ltīs no big deal.
l love you two. Bye-bye.
Anyway, me and Charlie, we didnīt match.
Marco and Charlie matched.
Me and Sarah, number four on the all-time list? We matched.
Sheīd just been dumped by some asshole named Michael.
l mean, Michael was such an asshole.
I'd just been run over by Charlie.
l know exactly what you mean.
l mean, itīsjust so painful and draining.
I'm just gonna be by myself for a while.
Me too. Me too.
lt made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex.
And while we were at it we could share a bed with somebody at the same time.
We were frightened of being left alone for the rest ofour lives.
Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being left alone for the rest oftheir lives at 26.
We were ofthat disposition.
- So when she told me... - I've met someone else.
Who?
Just someone else.
lt was contrary to the whole spirit of our arrangement.
l donīt have to take this shit. You think I fuckinī look like shit, huh?
So how come I got dumped?
What?
- Hey, Dick. Come on in. What is it? - Oh, um, well, weīre going to Lounge Axe...
and, um, I wasjust wondering ifyou wanted to come along with us.
Whoa.
Um, Marie De Salleīs playing.
You remember I told you about her today? I like her.
Sheīs kind of Sheryl Crow-ish, crossed with a, um, post-Partridge Family, pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind ofthing.
- But, you know, um, black. - Yeah.
So, um, I just wanted to know if you wanted to come along.
Barry thought so too, really, but I guess it looks as ifyouīre...
- reorganizing your records. - Reorganizing my records. Yeah.
Um, what is this, uh, chronological?
No.
- Not alphabetical. - Nope.
What?
Autobiographical.
- No fucking way. - Yep.
l can tell you how I got from Deep Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves.
- Oh, my God. - And, if I want to fi nd the song "Landslide," by Fleetwood Mac...
l have to remember that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1 983 pile...
but didnīt give it to them for personal reasons.
- That sounds... - Comforting?
- Yes. - lt is.
- Hello? - Well, shoo.
l can stick around, you know, man, ifyou... l... ifyou want me to help out.
But you really shouldnīt, uh, keep'em piled like this, because it gets really pressured.
- Hold on. - You know? - See you tomorrow. - Oh. Okay.
- Okay. - I'll see you.
- Hi, Mom. - Howīs the store?
You know something? Youīre very lucky that Laura is doing as well as sheīs doing.
Because if it wasnīt for her, I donīt think either of us would ever sleep.
She left. Sheīs gone.
What? What do you mean?
- Where did she go? - How wouldlknow where?
Sheīs gone. Girlfriend leave. Not say where gone. Laura move out.
- Well, call her mother. - She just called.
She doesnīt even know. Probably the last time I'll ever hear her voice.
- I'm all right, if thatīs whatīs upsetting you. - That is not whatīs upsetting me.
- Well, it fuckinī should be, shouldnīt it? - I knew this would happen.
- What are you gonna do, Rob? - I'm gonna drink a bottle ofwine, I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.
- Then I'm gonna go to work. -And then what?
I'm gonna meet a nice girl and have children.
l promise the next time we talk, I'll have it all figured out. Okay?
- I knew... I knew it was gonna happen again. - What are you getting so upset about?
- Doyou know why she left? - ltīs got nothing to do with marriage.
-So you say! -Mom, I'm telling you for the last time.
Laura didnīt even want to get married. Sheīs not that kind of girl.
- Thatīs not what happens now. Okay? - Oh, l donīt know what happensnow.
Apart from you meet someone, you move in, she goes!
You meet someone, you move in, shegoes!
Shut up, Mom! Goddam!
Thatīs some cold shit.
John Dillinger was shot dead behind that theatre in a hail of FBl gunfi re.
You know who tipped'em off? His fuckinī girlfriend.
Hejust wanted to go to the movies.
ls that Peter fucking Frampton?
l wish lcouldbuy words
Out of season
So donīt
Donīt hesitate
īCause ourlove
Just wonīt wait
Ooh, baby, lloveyour way
- Rob. - Wanna tellyou llove - What?
- Yeah. Hey. - Your way
- I always hated that song. - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it. - Wanna be with you night andday - Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
īCause l
She shouldīve done it on The Number Four with a Smile.
Wasnīt her record called Number Four with a Smile?
- Thatīs what I said. - No, no. You said "The Number Four with a Smile. "
Thereīs no "The" at the front of the title ofthe album.
ltīs a reference to a Chinese meal in Toronto...
uh, so I think that there is "The," but I could be wrong.
- You can be, and are, wrong. - Wanna tell you l love your way
l wanna be with you night and day
l wanna date a musician.
-'Cause l - I wanna live with a musician.
- Feel that you - Sheīd write songs at home and ask me what I thought ofīem...
and maybe even include one ofour private little jokes in the liner notes.
Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.
Just in the background somewhere.
- Donīt hesitate - Yeah.
- So, um, do you live in Chicago now? - I do.
Do you love it? You should come to our record store.
- Championship Vinyl. - Oh, my God, yes. Oh, youīd love it.
- We sell a little bit of anything that matters. - He owns it. ltīs on Milwaukee.
- Rock, soul, trip-hop, salsa. - Ska, techno and pop.
- Will you come? - Yeah, Marie. - Okay, okay. - Sounds good.
- Championship Vinyl. - Championship Vinyl. - Enjoyed your set.
Thankyou.
- Barry, whyīd you tell her about the store, man? - Oh, man, I'm sorry.
l didnīt know it was classified information.
l mean, I know we donīt have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing...
not, like, a business strategy.
Rob? ltīs Liz.
Just calling to see if, you know, well, youīre okay.
Look, I'm your friend too, so I'm not taking sides. Yet.
- Shadows grow so long before my eyes - Give me a call. Okay?Bye.
- Hi. - What are you doing here?
- Took the morning off. - Come on, Rob.
Do you still love me?
Well, itīs not really the issue, is it?
Why? I mean, what else is there? What do you mean? What else is there?
l donīt know. lt doesnīt change the way we donīt get along at all.
ln fact, I hope weīre not in love any more, to be honest.
- lt would give me a better opinion of love right now. - Come on!
What, did I beat you? Did I tell you you were a bad person? l mean, what the fuck?
- What should I have done to make you happy? - Nothing. Make yourself happy.
Oh, I see. Um, wh-why am I not happy?
Because youīre the same person you used to be...
and I'm not.
- And all I've done is change jobs. - Clothes and hairstyles.
- Attitudes and friends. - I couldnīt go to work with my hair dyed pink.
- Youīre harder. - You havenīt changed so much as a pair ofsocks since I've known you.
- Oh, come on, Laura. Now youīre just being stupid. - At least you used to talk about the future.
Now you donīt even do that.
- Look, I'm all right. Youīre the one that hates herjob. - See? You havenīt got a clue.
l like my job.
All I'm saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people...
most of all to yourself.
And you donīt, Rob.
So whatīs the use?
Rob, itīs your turn.
Okay, I'm feeling kinda basic today.
Top Five Side Ones, Track Ones.
"JanieJones," The Clash, from The Clash.
"Letīs Get lt On," Marvin Gaye, from Letīs Get lt On. "
Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit," off of Nevermind.
Oh, no, Rob, thatīs not obvious enough. Not at all.
How about, uh, "Point of No Return" on Point of No Return?
- Louis, you couldnīt get up... - Shut up. Shut up.
- "White Light/White Heat," Velvet Underground. - Okay, that would be on my list.
- Though not on mine. - And Massive Attack, No Protection.
- The song is "Radiation Ruling the Nation". - Ohh!
- Kind ofa new record. Very... - Excuse me. I was in here last night... - ln a minute. Very nice, Rob.
A sly declaration of new classic status slipped into a list ofold safe ones.
Very pussy.
- Excuse me, I was in here last... - ln a minute.
Couldnīt you be any more obvious than that, Rob? How about, uh, l donīt know, the Beatles?
How about fucking... fucking Beethoven? Track one, side one ofthe Fifth Symphony.
How can someone who has no interest in music own a record store?
Do you still have that, uh, Beefheart French import, Safe asMilk?
Um, letīs see.
Ah, yes, here it is.
Yes.
- How much you want for it? - Uh...
Yes... Oh, no. You know what?
- I donīt think I'm selling it this week. Maybe next week. - Oh, no. You said that last week.
Did l? Yeah, well, l just... l... Uh...
Nicely played.
You know, I donīt have that record. I'll buy it for 40.
- Rob? - Sold.
- Now, why would you sell it to me and not to him? - Because youīre not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs. - No, weīre not. - No, seriously, youīre totally elitist.
You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit on the people who know less than you.
- No. - Which is everybody. - Yes.
ltīsjust sad, thatīs all.
I'm sick ofthe sight ofthis place.
Some days I'm afraid I'll go berserk...
throw the country "A" through "K" rack out on the street...
and go work at a Virgin Megastore and never come back.
- Hello. - Hey, Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You know, l just wanted to call and thank you for that message you sent me last night.
lt really made me feel like less ofan asshole.
Oh. Well, how are you holding up?
Good. Good. I mean, look, maybe weīre just not right for each other, right?
- I mean, or maybe we are. - Mmm. Yeah.
Time will tell at this point, and if itīs time to move on, itīs time to move on.
l donīt know. l... l donīt want to take sides and...
And I like you with Laura. l think you guys are good together.
And I donīt think much of this lan guy.
Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store.
l gotta go, Liz.
- We should maybe turn off her music. - I know.
Hey. I like the music.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, l can go turn it off ifyou want.
You might be sick of it.
- You should turn it up. - Oh, right, yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, let me go do that after I go do something else that I have to go do.
- All righty. Hmm. - Yeah, I got the, uh... Excuse me. Okay?
What fucking lan guy?
Laura doesnīt know anybody called lan.
Thereīs no lan in her office. She has no friends called lan!
I'm almost certain she has never met anyone named lan in her entire life.
She lives in an...
"lan-less" universe.
"l. Raymond".
Ray. "l".
lan.
Mr l. Raymond. Ray to his friends, and more importantly to his neighbour.
The guy who, until about six weeks ago, lived upstairs.
l start to remember things about him now.
His horrible clothes and hair.
His music: Latin, Bulgarian, whatever world music was trendy that week.
He had rings on his fi ngers. Awful cooking smells.
l never liked him much then, and I fuckinī hate him now.
We used to listen to him having sex upstairs.
Jeez, he goes on long enough.
Mm-hmm. l should be so lucky.
lt feels sogood
You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn fi lm, Laura.
You are lanīs plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks oforgasmic delight.
No woman in the history ofthe world is having better sex than the sex you are having with lan...
in my head.
Oh, baby, give it up
Ain't no use
Number five:Jackie Alden.
Jackie Aldenīs breakup had no effect on my life whatsoever.
lt was a casual thing, and I was glad when it ended.
l just slotted her in to bump Laura out of position.
But now, congratulations, Laura.
You made it to the top five.
Number five with a bullet. Welcome.
Wonīt somebody please
Help me with my misery
- Canīt somebody see - Hey.
Do you have soul?
What this one loveīs done to me
That all depends.
- Now l know, l know - Back row, right next to the blues.
Championship Vinyl.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm interested. Sure.
Whatīs your address?
- Hey, Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You fucking asshole!
Hi, Barry.
Soarin'and borin'
l feel I'm ignorin'
My time in the world Haveyou heard
For a couple ofyears l was a deejay at a club.
l was good at it, I think...
and while I was doing it is the happiest I've ever been.
And thatīs where I met Laura.
She was already a lawyer, but she worked for Legal Aid...
hence the leather jacket and the clubbing.
Oh, I liked her right away.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Thatīs a kick-ass record. - What?
- Thatīs a kick-ass record. - Yeah. I know.
- Um, whatīs your name? - Laura.
Hey. I was gonna say, come back next week and I'll make you a tape.
- All right. Thankyou. - Okay? - Great.
- Rob. - I'm still Laura.
To be honest, I hadnīt met anyone as promising as Laura since I started deejaying...
and meeting promising women is kind of what the deejaying thing is supposed to be about.
And anyway, we... we moved on from there.
She lost her lease on her apartment in Lakeview, and she moved in with me.
And it stayed that way for years.
She didnīt make me miserable, or anxious...
or ill-at-ease.
And you know, it sounds boring, but it wasnīt.
lt wasnīt spectacular, either. lt was just...
good.
But really good.
So, how come I'm suddenly an asshole?
l get the feeling that Liz talked to Laura...
and Liz stuck up for me...
and Laura told her a few things.
l donīt know what precisely Laura said, but she would have revealed at least two,
maybe even all four ofthe following pieces of information.
One: that I slept with someone else...
- He slept with somebody else. - What?
while she, Laura, was pregnant.
- While I was pregnant. - No!
Two:
that my affair directly contributed...
Pretty much directly to me terminating the pregnancy.
- No. - Three:
that after the abortion, I borrowed a large sum of money from her...
- Four grand or so. - and have not, as ofyet, repaid any of it.
The bastard!
Four:
that shortly before she left me...
l told her that I was kind of unhappy in the relationship...
and maybe sort of looking around for someone else.
He was "sort of, maybe" looking around for somebody else.
- Did I do and say those things? - Yes.
- No! - Yes, I did.
l am a fuckinī asshole.
- Thatīs it. - Liz... No. Sit down.
Sit down.
Thatīs shocking.
That is shocking.
First ofall, the money.
Laura had it and I didnīt.
And she wanted to give it to me.
I've never been able to pay her back because I've never been able to.
Just because she moved in with some Supertramp fan...
it doesnīt make me five grand richer.
And number two, this stuff about me half-looking around for someone else?
She tricked me into saying it.
We were having this State-of-the-Union type conversation...
and she said, quite matter offactly, that we were pretty unhappy at the moment.
And did I agree? And I said yes.
And she asked me whether I ever thought about meeting other people.
So then I asked her ifshe ever thought about meeting someone else.
She says, "Ofcourse". So I admit that, yes, I daydream about it from time to time.
Now I can see what we were really talking about is her and lan...
and she suckered me into absolving her.
lt was a sneaky lawyerīs trick and I fell for it...
because sheīs much smarter than me.
All right, then the pregnancy.
l didnīt know she was pregnant. Ofcourse I didnīt.
l didnīt know because she hadnīt told me.
She hadnīt told me because l had told her that I had sor... Yes, I'd slept with someone else.
So I didnīt find out she was pregnant till way later.
We were going through this good period and I made some crack about having kids and...
- What? - and she just burst into tears.
And I said, "Well, what is it," you know. "What..."
And I made her tell me, and she did...
and I went into this brief and ill-advised bout of self-righteousness, you know...
What right do you have? My child too... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That pretty much brings us up to date.
Who needs a drink?
Who loves thesun
Who cares that it makes plantsgrow
Whatīs wrong with me? Seriously.
What happened?
Why am I doomed to be left?
Doomed to be rejected?
l need answers.
Number one. To Alison Ashmore.
- Hello? - This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling.
- Hi. - I'm an old friend of Alisonīs and, um...
- What did you say your name was? - Rob. Rob Gordon.
Um, I was actually her... her first boyfriend in the seventh grade...
and I was just wondering if you had any way of reaching her or her number or...
l hate to quibble with you, Rob, but Alison married her first boyfriend.
Kevin Bannister. He is her first and last boyfriend.
- You gotta be kidding me. - Uh, no, I'm quite serious.
She is Mrs Kevin Bannister. She lives in Australia.
- We went out together in the seventh grade. - I beg your pardon.
Well, technically, I'm her first boyfriend, okay?
I met her a few days before Kevin did. Technically, number one. Me.
- I donīt know what you mean by "technically". - You know.
I'm number one. Me. Technically.
I see. Well, maybe itīs my mistake.
I've got to go now, Bob. Okay, bye-bye.
Who loves the sun
Alison married Kevin!
I am fine now!
Married her junior high school sweetheart.
Kissed me on the bench. Kissed Kevin on the bench. Married Kevin.
This is great! This has got nothing to do with me.
This is fate. This is destiny.
It is beyond my control, beyond my fault. I love this!
I want more. I want to see the others on the big top five.
I wanna see Penny and Charlie and Sarah, all ofthem, you know.
Just see'em and talk to'em, you know, like a Bruce Springsteen song.
You call, you ask'em how they are, and you see iftheyīve forgiven you.
Yeah, and then... and then I'd feel good.
And theyīd feel good.
No, theyīd feel good maybe, but youīd feel better.
I'd feel clean and calm.
Thatīs what youīre looking for. You wanna get ready to start again, thatīd be good foryou.
Great, even.
Youīd give that big final "good luck and goodbye" to your all-time top five and just move on down the road.
Good luck. Goodbye.
Thanks, Boss.
Penny is as beautiful as she was in high school and really grown into herself.
She reviews movies for a living, which is unassailably cool...
even if she does make these little notes with this little flashlight pen.
We have a good time, and we hate the same actors, and everythingīs going great.
She tells me about her life. l tell her about mine.
We both get it. We both relate.
And then, with no real explanation, l just launch into it.
I tell her about how Laura wanted to sleep with lan and not me...
Charlie wanted to sleep with Marco and not me...
Alison Ashmore wanted Kevin Bannister and not me.
And you, you wanted to... you wanted to have sex with Chris Thompson...
and not me.
And I was helping... hoping you could help me understand why this keeps happening...
why, you know, I'm doomed to be left, doomed to be rejected.
Do you understand?
Well, Rob, uh, I was crazy about you.
I wanted to sleep with you one day, but not when I was 1 6.
You know, when you broke up with me...
you broke up with me because I was, I was...
to use your charming expression, tight...
I cried and I cried and I hated you...
and when that little shit bag asked me out and I was too tired to fi ght him off...
it wasnīt rape, because I said okay, but it wasnīt far off.
You know I couldnīt have sex until after college because I hated it so much?
Thatīs when youīre supposed to have sex, Rob... in college!
And now you want to have a little chat about rejection.
Well, fuckyou, Rob.
God, sheīs right.
I broke up with her. l rejected her.
Thatīs another one I donīt have to worry about. I shouldīve done this years ago.
Maīam, could I get the cheque, please?
Next up, Charlie.
But I'm not quite ready for that...
so I go directly to number four on the all-time breakup list.
Sarah, my partner in rejection who rejected me.
- Hi, Rob. - Hi.
Nice to see you.
- Hi. Okay, yeah. - Nice to see you.
- Yeah. - You want me to come... - You wanna... - Sure.
- You wanna... - Yeah. - Yeah, letīs go out a bit.
I canīt believe I left you for him.
- Probably seemed like a good idea at the time, Sarah. - Yeah, I donīt know why, though.
- Are you seeing anybody? - Um, no, yeah.
- No? - Yeah. I mean, I'm not... - No.
I am. I'm in between things. How are you doinī?
- Me? I'm not good. - Really? - No.
Oh, itīs so hard. The medication I was on is not working.
So weīre trying something else, but itīs like, they donīt know about it, so I'm like a guinea pig, and...
But I'm making money. Thatīs good, īcause I lost myjob a month ago.
- So itīs been, like, hand-to-mouth... - No, I havenīt got the heart for the rejection conversation.
There are no hard feelings here, and I'm glad she ditched me and not the other way around.
I'm late for work, and l... I'll call you.
- Okay. - Nice to see you. Bye. - Bye. See you later.
I couldīve wound up having sex back there.
And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right?
But you wouldnīt be sleeping with a person.
Youīd be sleeping with a whole, sad single-person culture.
Itīd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky ifyou werenīt Rocky.
I feel guilty enough as it is.
Thereīs only Charlie left now.
Sheīs in the fuckinī phone book.
She should be living on Neptune. Sheīs an extraterrestrial.
A ghost, a myth, not a person in a phone book.
- Hi, this is Charlie. - Answering machine.
- Leave me a message... - I'll leave a nice, polite message and sheīll never call back.
Oh, the Killing Moon EP, itīs almost impossible to fi nd, especially on CD.
Yet another cruel trick played on all the dumb-asses who got rid oftheir turntables.
- But every other Echo and the Bunnymen album... - Yeah, I have all the other ones.
Oh, you do? Well, how about theJesus and Mary Chain?
- Ah, they always seemed... - They always seemed what?
They always seemed really great is what they always seemed.
They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and youīre sittinī around complaininī about no more Echo albums.
I canīt believe you donīt own this fucking record. Thatīs insane.
Jesus!
- Can I get two receipts with that? - Well, the interesting thing about Green Day...
is that so much oftheir music is, in truth...
directly influenced by, in my opinion, uh, two bands...
- The Clash... - The Clash.
Uh, correct, uh, the Clash.
Uh, but also by this band called, uh, Stiff Little Fingers.
Um, I think you would really love this band.
Uh, it sounds great.
- My nameīs Anaugh. - The name...
Um, my nameīs Dick.
Is this the new Green Day?
You donīt have it? That is perverse.
Donīt tell anybody you donīt own fucking Blonde on Blonde.
Itīs gonna be okay.
I will now sell five copies ofthe three EPs by the Beta Band.
Do it.
If thereīs something inside that you wanna say
Say it loud lt'll be okay
I will be all right l will be all right
If thereīs something inside that you wanna say
- You can say it loud, itīllbe okay - Who is that?
- ltīs the Beta Band. - ltīs good.
I know.
- Barry! The door! - Fuck!
- Go! Go! Go! - Go, go, go, go!
- Gotta go back! - Hey!
Okay, fuckos, how much is this deck worth to you, and how much did you steal? Can you do the math?
- Barry, call the cops. - No! - Hold up, hold up.
Ryuichi Sakamoto, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.
- What, are you guys stealing for other people? - No, those are for us.
-You guys slamming to Joni Mitchell now? -Man, youīre, like, so bigoted.
- You look at us and thinkyou know what we listen to. - I think you have more.
Okay.
Hi.
- What do you want? - I thought I could give you a ride back.
- Are you coming home? - Yeah.
Well, I'd like to come over to your house to pick up some things.
My house.
Howīd it go today?
All right.
- Do you want to go? - Sure.
So, have you tackled the great reorganization yet?
You bet. You can take this with you if you want.
Look at this place. Laura, itīs a dump.
What are you making now? Sixty, seventy a year?
And you were living in this shithole.
Bet you canīt even remember what you were doing here.
I was here because l wanted to be with you.
It had nothing to do with this place.
So, uh, where are you staying now?
I think you know that.
- I had to work that out for myself, though, didnīt l? - I'm sorry.
I know I havenīt been very fair.
Thatīs why I came to the store tonight.
It took me a while to work up the courage.
- You scared now? - Yes, ofcourse I am.
I feel terrible, Rob. You know, this is really hard.
Good.
So how is everything going with lan?
Is it working out okay?
- Youīre living with the guy. - Donīt.
I'm just asking you how itīs going.
Iook, I'm not living with the guy, okay?
I'm just staying with him for a few days until I figure out what I'm doing.
I left because we werenīt exactly getting along, and we werenīt talking about it.
I'm getting to a point where l want to get my shit together...
and I canīt really see that ever happening with you.
And, yes, I sort of got interested in someone else.
And that went further than it should have, so it seemed like a good time to go.
But I have no idea what will happen with lan in the long run.
Probably nothing.
So, what?
You definitely havenīt decided to dump me? ls that it?
Thereīs still a chance we might get back together?
- I donīt know. - Well, ifyou donīt know...
thereīs a chance, right?
I mean, it would be like ifsomeone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill...
and the doctor said, "l donīt know if this patient has a chance ofsurvival or not".
That doesnīt mean that the patientīs definitely gonna die now, does it? l mean, he might live.
- Even if itīs a remote possibility. - I suppose so.
- So we have a chance of not... - Shut up, Rob.
-l just want to know where I stand here. What chance do we have? -What...
- I donīt know what chance we have. - lf you could tell me roughly-
All right, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together.
- Nine? - Nine.
- Great. - Look, I know I'm asking a lot...
but could you take off for a while so I can get my stuff packed up?
No problem.
- You want me to leave my own house? - Yes, please.
Laura, can I ask you one question?
Yes. One.
- Youīre not gonna like it. -Just ask it.
- ls it better? - ls what better? Better than what?
Well, sex, I guess. ls it better?
- ls that really whatīs bothering you? - Yes. Yes, ofcourse.
Do you really think it would make a difference either way?
- I donīt know. - Well, the answer is, l donīt know either.
We havenīt done it yet.
- Never? - I havenīt felt like it.
Not even before, when he was living upstairs?
No. I was living with you, remember?
Weīve slept together, but we havenīt made love.
Not yet.
- I'll tell you one thing. - What?
Sleeping together is better.
Sleeping together is better?
But not the sex, because you havenīt done it yet?
- Will you please just go? - Yeah.
We are the champions
- My friends - Yes!
-And weīll keep on fighting - Put'em up!
- Till the end - I feel good. I feel great.
- We are the champions - I feel like a new man.
- I feel so much better, in fact... - We are the champions
- that I go straight out and sleep with Marie De Salle. - No time forlosers
īCause we are the champions