´Cause we are the champions
"How could this have happened?" you ask.
"How does he... How does he do it?"
How does a regular guy like me become the number one lover man in his particular postal district?
He’s grumpy. He’s broke. He hangs out with the musical moron twins...
and yet he gets to go to bed with somebody like Marie De Salle.
Hey. Marie.
- Everything go all right? - Yeah, yeah.
She just wanted to pick up some stuff, you know. lt was no big deal. lt was just...
I hate that time, picking-up-stuff time.
- You know that song I play, "Eartha Kitt Times Two"? - Of course!
I wrote that about me and my ex dividing our record collection.
It’s a great, great song.
- A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed.... - I wrote that just before I moved here.
that what really matters is what you like...
not what you are like.
Books, records, fi lms... These things matter.
Call me shallow. lt’s the fuckin´ truth.
And by this measure, I was having one of the best dates of my life.
- You love that show? - Yes!
Starring, um... Starring, um... Who starred in 'The Prisoner'?
- McGoohan. - Patrick McGoohan. - That’s right!
And then we talk about our exes.
She’s dry and self-deprecating.
Great sense of humour about it, and I can really see why her songs are so good.
- I guess she’s happy with him. - I don’t speak about Laura with as much depth.
But it feels, even to me, like I'm being intimate.
I express regret. l say nice things about her...
and I hint at a deep ocean of melancholy just below the surface...
which is all bullshit really.
I’ve just invented a sketch of a decent, sensitive guy...
because I'm in the position to invent him.
And I guess all that charming, nervous stuff seems to work somehow...
because we get back to her house and...
Throw my suitcase out there too
it just happens.
- And then we make love. lt’s great.
- And that’s it. I'm not gonna go into all that other stuff.
You know, the who-did-what-to-whom stuff.
You know that song "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich?
It’s one of my favourite songs.
- I can say we had a good time. l can say that. - Should l have left this town
Marie’s a terrific woman.
But it was more than l could do
And then in the morning...
You didn’t have me fooled...
acting all cool about, um, what’s-her-name.
- Laura. - Laura, right, right. Laura.
- What was yours called again? - lt was called James.
- James. - James.
Do you miss him?
Yeah. That’s how it works, right?
I think it’s okay if you feel horny and fucked up at the same time.
I mean, why should we be denied our basic human rights...
just' cause we messed up our relationships?
You think sex is a basic human right?
Hell, yeah! Yeah.
I'm not gonna let that asshole come between me and a fuck.
- Which way are you going? - That way. You?
- That way. - Ah, so it is.
- Talk to ya. - I'll call you.
Right.
What did Laura mean last night when she said, "l haven’t slept with him yet"?
Yet! What does "yet" mean anyway?
It means you’re gonna do it, doesn’t it? Or does it?
Just come on. What would it mean to you, that sentence:
"l haven’t seen Evil Dead ll yet"?
Well, to me it would mean that you’re a liar. You’ve seen it twice.
Once with Laura... oops... and once with me and Dick, remember?
We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammo off-screen in the 14th century.
Right. All right, but let’s just say that I hadn’t seen it...
and I said to you, "l haven’t seen Evil Dead ll yet," what would you think?
I'd think that you’re a cinematic idiot, and I'd feel sorry for you.
All right. But from that one sentence, would you think that l was going to see it?
I'm sorry, Rob. I'm struggling here.
You’re asking me what would I think if you told me...
you hadn’t seen a film that you have already seen.
- What am I supposed to say? -Just listen to me. lf I said to you...
"l haven’t seen Evil Dead ll yet," yes.
Would you get the impression that I really wanted to see it?
Oh, uh, well...
you couldn’t have been desperate to see it, otherwise you’d have already gone.
Right. I'm not gonna see that movie.
But the word "yet". Yeah, you know what?
I get the impression that you wanted to see it...
otherwise you’d have said you didn’t want to go.
But in your opinion, would I definitely go?
How the fuck am I supposed to know? Probably.
- Why? - Because it’s a brilliant film.
It’s so funny and violent, and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.
I never thought I'd say this, but can I go work now?
Look, Laura, if you don’t want me to call you at work, then give me your home number.
Oh, I forgot. You can’t.
I'm not gonna get off this phone until you agree to meet me for a drink.
I mean, I'm sorry, but I don´t just see why this has to be on your terms...
all the time. - Okay.
- I mean, really. - Okay! Okay. We’ll meet then tonight.
That’d... That’d be great if you’re not too busy. lt´ll be really good to...
see you.
So how are you?
Have you slept with him yet?
- ls that why you wanted to see me? - I guess.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to say you haven’t, and I want that to be the truth.
I can’t do that.
Say a word for Jimmy Brown
He ain't got nothin'at all
You must have known it would happen. You couldn’t have been entirely unprepared.
Like you said, I've been living with the guy. We were bound to get around to it sometime.
Rob, are you there? What are you thinking?
We can meet for another drink if you want.
So I can explain it better. l owe you that much.
I don’t have your number.
You know, l don´t want this to be the last conversation we have. l know what you´re like.
You do, huh?
I need a second opinion.
Hi, this is Tim. City and state, please.
Uh, Chicago. A residence. Mr lan Raymond.
- Please hold for that number. - May I also have that address?
- Certainly. - Thank you.
- Rob? - Laura, I just want to say something.
I think you’re running. You’re running from a, a sharp point...
that anybody hits in any relationship, and it´s just gonna happen again.
But it´ sgonna be with this guy lan, later, when you´re older.
All right? With a guy with a Steven Seagal pony tail.
You know what I'm saying? And he doesn't love you.
And he doesn't understand you, not the way I will.
And I will even more so in the future. And...
I mean, if you want to experiment or whatever...
I'm not experimenting. Why don’t you go experiment?
- Laura, are you okay? - Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
- ls that him? - Look, can you... Can you callme at work? l gotta go now.
- You look upset. - Yeah, I'm... I'm upset...
but I'm fine.
- Maybe I should talk to him. - No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
- Conflict resolution is my job. - Yeah, I know.
But... But, lan, there’s really nothing to resolve, but thank you.
You have got to stop calling her. You’re really upsetting her and him!
- Like I care about him. - Well, you should.
- Why? - Because all you’re doing is forming a little unit. Them against you!
Before you started all this psychotic madness, there was no unit.
There was just three people in a mess.
But now they´ve got something in common.
And you don’t want to make anything worse.
How could it get any worse than Laura with lan?
- Come on, Liz. - Rob, Rob, Rob.
Can I askyou a question? And you can think about it if you want to.
Just what is it?
Why do you want Laura back so badly?
Rob, phone.
I was walking on the water when l saw a crocodile
Barry, that fucking pricer´s busted, and I'm not the one who broke it.
- Hello. - Rob?
Who is this?
Is this Ch... ls this Charlie?
Hi. I just got back into town.
Wow! Rob Gordon. The Rob Gordon.
So how are you doing? Huh? Does it seem like millions ofyears ago?
Yeah, yeah. Like a billion, right?
So, uh... God, Charlie Nicholson. How are you?
I mean, do you have kids and stuff like everybody else?
No. No, I'm too young, too single. I don’t know.
Kids are too time-consuming, I guess, is the expression I'm looking for.
I'm not making this up. This is how she talks... as if nobody ever had...
a conversation about having kids in the entire history of the world.
She’s incredible.
So, anyway, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm sorry? - Well, you know... ldon´t know.
I just find these long-lost boyfriend calls a little unnerving.
- There’s been a rash of them recently. - ls that right?
Yeah. Oh, remember Marco? l went out with him after you.
- Kind of. - Kindof, yeah.
Well, he called a few months ago.
I think he was going through one of those what-does-it-all-mean kind of things.
He wanted to see me and "rehash thepast", as they say.
God. Was I up for that? No. No. So... I don’t know...
- Do all men go through that? - I've never heard of it before.
I'm sorry, Charlie, but what does "Are you in or out" mean?
Well, it means, are we friends or aren´t we?
Because if we are, that’s great. That’s great.
But if we´re not, l don’t really want to spend time playing catch-up on the phone.
You know what l mean? I'm just really busy, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Of course.
- So, are you in or out, Rob? - I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.
Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come for a dinner party tomorrow night?
Have you ever watched a moonbeam
Can I help you?
-As it slid across your windowpane - Hello, Rob.
Remember me? Ray. lan.
I thought maybe we should talk. You know, sort things out.
- What needs sorting out? - Ten phone calls a night.
Hanging around outside my house.
- I've stopped all of that now. - You were there this morning.
Obviously, I know how special Laura is, and I know how...
much pain you must be going through right now.
I would hate it if I lost her.
Oh. Guess who?
But I'd like to believe that if she decided...
that she didn’t want to see me any more that...
I would respect those wishes.
You know what I'm saying, G?
- Yeah. - Good.
So shall we leave it at that then?
I've already left it, you pathetic rebound fuck!
Now, get your patchouli stink out of my store!
Move it, lard-ass!
Dumb motherfucker.
So, um, shall we leave it at that then?
- Tsk. No. - Don’t! Don’t!
- He´s not worth it! - Leave town!
Leave the country! You little bitch!
´Cause you´ll look back at ten phone calls a night as the golden age!
Get ready, motherfucker!
So shall we leave it at that then?
Get him!
- Come on! Get him! - Get him, man!
- Have you ever watched a moonbeam - Well, think about it, Rob.
Okay?
As it slid across your windowpane
Hey, jelly bean.
Charles.
- How are you? - Good. How are you?
Actually, it’s hilarious. lt’s hilarious.
Hey, everybody! Everybody, this is Rob.
Rob, this is everybody.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Come on in. Make yourself at home. ls that for me? - Yeah.
- Oh, it’s a little warm. I'll put it in the fridge. - I think if you get a dog...
- you´ve got to raise it yourself. - Your place doesn’t have a yard, does it?
- You got to deal with a dog from day one. - Of course you do.
- You gotta take care of it, raise it... - Yeah, but...
- Do you want a drink? - Yeah, I would.
I can see now that I'm doomed to die...
a long, slow suffocating death, and I try to figure out why.
Of course there’s envy. Why isn´t my life like this?
Sure, I want their money and clothes and jobs and opinions.
And I'd like to have advice on jet lag, but that’s not it.
I mean, they’re not bad people, and I'm not a class warrior. let’s something else.
- I never did. I never did. And I was very supportive... - And then it dawned on me.
- lt came down to me to tell him the truth. - Charlie´s awful.
What was the truth?
- She doesn’t listen to anyone. She says terrible, stupid things... - No. Well, I have...
- and she apparently has no sense of humour at all... - You’re right. I have to talk...
and talks shit all night long.
- Come here, you. Oh, I love you. - Bye-bye. - Maybe she’s been like this all along.
- Bye, sweetheart. - Bye-bye.
- Call me tomorrow, okay? - Thanks for having us.
Call me. Promise to call me. Bye.
How did I manage to edit all this out?
How had I made this girl the answer to all the world´s problems?
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Rob.
So, Charlie, why’d you dump me for Marco?
Fuck! I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- What? - You are. You are going through...
one ofthose what-does-it-all-mean things.
- I can’t believe you, Rob. - Yes, I am. Very much. lndeed so.
- Oh, God. - Come on. Answer the question.
Oh, come on, Charlie. Don’t hold back.
You can say whatever you like.
Why’d you dump me for Marco?
Marco just seemed to be a bit more glamorous.
You know? More sure of himself.
Less hard work.
A little sunnier.
Sparkier.
Through the park Make love along the way
- ln Mendocino - You put that ad up?
- Yeah. - What can you play?
Nothin´. What kind ofstuff are you into?
The kind ofstuff you mentioned.
But we want to be more experimental than that.
We want to retain our pop sensibilities, but, kind of, you know, go a little further out.
- That sounds great. - No gigs yet.
We just got together. ls Tuesday night cool for you?
- We’ll just, you know... - What l have told you
-jam. - Yeah. - Can you dig it
All right.
Later.
- What? - What do you mean, what?
You´ve had that poster up on the wall for, like, 1 7,000 years.
And then some guy comes in off the street. You act like it’s no big deal.
It´s just a garage band. let’s nothing special.
- Barry, you don’t even play an instrument. - I can sing.
What, you think I'm gonna stick around here the rest of my life?
Hey, it’s half past a monkey´s ass. Let’s go.
Oh, I can’t, um, meet you guys at the club tonight.
- That’s the way it is in Mendocino - Why?
- Who are you going to see? - Mendocino - Nobody.
- Rob! Lookie, lookie! Dick, are you getting some? - Mendocino
Un-fucking-believable!
Dick´s got a hot date! How did this happen, Dick?
What rational explanation can there possibly be? What’s her name?
- Anaugh. - Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?
- Anaugh Moss. - Anaugh Moss?
Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy?
And you met this bruiser where exactly?
The home for the mentally challenged or the blind or the bus station?
Um, here. She asked me about the, uh, new Green Day album...
- and then I told her... - Oh, man! Finally! Anaugh.
That’s great, Dick! Really, smoke that ass.
Listen, Rob, I can’t go to the club either.
I gotta get some lyrics down on paper.
Oh, yeah, me too. Well, not, uh, lyrics to get down.
But, um, uh... So I'll see you, um, tomorrow.
- Hi, Laura. - "Top five dream jobs".
- Hey, that’s private. - "Number one:
"journalist for Rolling Stone magazine, 1976 to 1979.
"Get to meet the Clash, Chrissie Hynde, Sex Pistols, David Byrne.
"Get tons offree records. Number two:
"producer, Atlantic Records, 1964 to 1971.
Get to meet Aretha, Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke".
- More free records. - "More free records and a shitload of money".
- Yeah. - "Number three: any kind of musician".
Besides classical or rap.
- "Settle for being one of the Memphis Horns or something". - Sure.
- "I'm not asking to beJagger or Hendrix or Otis Redding". - Uh-huh.
- "Number four: film director". - Any kind except German or silent.
And number five, we have "architect".
- Yeah. - Seven years´ training.
- I'm not sure I even want to be an architect. - So you´ve got a list here...
of five things you’d do if qualifications...
and time and history and salary were no object?
- Yeah. - One of them you don’t really want to do anyway.
Well, I did put it at number five.
Wouldn’t you rather own your own record store than be an architect?
- Yeah, I suppose. - And you wouldn’t want to be a...
1 6th-century explorer or the king of France or...
- God, no. - All right. There you go then.
Dream job number five: record store owner.
I find it interesting that you keep showing up here, Laura.
Well, this is the last of it.
Those bags look heavy. Where´s lan?
Or Ray or... What is his fucking name anyway?
- What do you call him? lan or Ray? - Ray.
- I hate lan. - I hate him too.
Yeah, I'm sure.
See ya.
Goodbye.
Top five things l miss about Laura.
One: sense of humour. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving.
And she’s got one of the best all-time laughs in the history ofall-time laughs.
She laughs with her entire body.
Two: She’s got character.
Or at least she had character before the lan nightmare.
She’s loyal and honest and...
she doesn’t even take it out on people when she’s having a bad day.
That’s character.
Three:
I miss her smell...
and the way she tastes.
It’s a mystery of human chemistry, and I don’t understand it.
Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just feel like home.
I really dig how she walks around.
It’s like she doesn’t care how she looks or what she projects.
And it’s not that she doesn’t care, it´sjust... She’s not affected, I guess.
And that gives her grace.
And five: She does this thing in bed when she can’t get to sleep.
She kind of half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number oftimes.
It just kills me.
Believe me, I mean, l could do a top-five-things about her that drive me crazy...
but it´s just your garden variety women, you know, schizo stuff...
and that’s the kind ofthinking that got me here.
- Look out! - Damn! You maggots!
Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!
- You’re pretty when you’re angry. - Shit!
- Hey, Rob, Laura called. - Really?
What you gonna do
The man´s gone out to get you
How you gonna know
- What is this? - lt’s Vince and Justin.
- Who´s Vince and Justin? - lt’s those little skate fuckers.
- No way. - Way.
It’s really...
It’s really fuckin´ good.
Hey, do you guys know Vince and Justin, the guys that come in my store?
- Yeah, they’re right over there, man. - Thanks. - No problem.
- Quit smoking. I'm telling you should... - Hey! Your tape.
- let’s good. - I know. We made it. - let’s all right. Thank you.
I mean, it’s rough, but, unbelievably, it shows promise.
I'll put out your record.
Any profits we split down the middle after I recoup expenses, okay?
Recoup expenses? Man, you’re gonna recoup a big, fat Mercedes is what you’re gonna do.
- We’re not there yet,Justin. - I'm Vince.
Whatever. What’s the name ofyour band?
- Uh, the Kinky Wizards. - Nice.
What’s the name ofyour label?
Top Five Records.
What was that? You just told them you’re gonna put out a record with them?
Yeah. So what? You said yourself those guys were good. What are you getting hot about?
Well, it just seems that you think it would be wiser to start a record label...
by putting out a record with business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters...
than with someone you know in your bitter, jealous heart is a musical visionary, that’s all.
Yeah, what do your songs sound like? Sex Pistols? Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?
You know what? You wouldn’t be familiar with our immediate influences.
- Try me. - They’re mostly German. - Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?
Hey. You called?
Fuckin´ asshole.
- Laura, are you all right? - My dad...
My dad died.
- What’s up? - Laura´s dad died.
Oh, drag.
I'm sorry, Rob.
Hey, top five songs about death.
A Laura´s dad tribute list.
Okay? Okay.
"Leader Of The Pack".
The guy fuckin´ beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right?
"Dead Man´s Curve". Jan and Dean.
Do you know that right after they recorded that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his...
- lt was Dean, you fuckin´ idiot. - lt wasJan.
- lt was a long time after the song... - Okay, whatever.
"Tell Laura I Love Her". That would bring the house down.
Laura´s mom could sing it.
- You know what I'd want? - Huh?
"One Step Beyond" by Madness.
No, no, no, no, no. Wh-When are you going home?
In a minute, when I get it together.
And, uh, "You Can’t Always Get What You Want".
No, immediate disqualification because of its involvement with The Big Chill.
Oh, God, you’re right.
Um, Mom wants you to come to the funeral.
- Oh. Me? - Yeah,'cause my dad really liked you, and...
Mom never told him we´d split, because he wasn’t up to it.
"Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald. " Uh, Gordon Lightfoot.
Bastard. That’s so good. That should have been mine.
Do you, uh... Do you want me there?
I don’t care, as long as you don’t expect me to hold your hand.
- ls Ray going? - No!
The night Laura's daddy died
Sha-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-na-na
Brother, what a night it really was
Mother, what a night it really... Angina´s tough
Glorybe
Brother, what a night it really was
Brother, what a night Angina´s tough...
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...
- on Earth as it is in heaven. - Songs at my funeral:
- Bless this day... - "Many Rivers To Cross" byJimmy Cliff.
"Angel" by Aretha Franklin...
and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful, tearful woman will insist on...
"You’re The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight.
- But who would that woman be? - Amen.
- Hey,Jo. - Hi, Liz. - Hey.
- How are you doing? - I'm all right, I suppose.
Mom´s not too bad. But Laura... I don’t know.
Yeah, well, she’s had a rough time of it already without this.
It´s just so hard when you put all ofyour efforts into one area ofyour life...
and it doesn’t work out.
Don’t mind me. Really. let’s no problem. Just pretend like you’re talking about someone else. let’s okay.
Well, in fact, we are talking about someone else. We’re talking about Laura.
- Oh. - Oh?
Don’t fuckin´ say "oh" like that to me, Liz.
I'm really sorry,Jo. Look, l can either stick up for myself...
or I can believe everything you say about me and end up hating myself.
But that’s not much ofa life, is it? Huh?
- I mean... - Do you think this is really the time to be talking about...
Just because it’s never the time, Liz? l can’t go on apologizing my whole life.
I think just the once would do!
- I'm very sorry, Laura. - Thanks for coming.
I'm so sorry, Laura.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Laura, I'm sorry.
Most of the time
I'm clear-focused all around
Most of the time
Ican keep both feet on the ground
Ican follow the path
Ican read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
Idon´t even notice she´sgone
- I can see now I never really committed to Laura. - Most of the time
I always had one foot out the door...
and that prevented me from doing a lot of things...
like thinking about my future and...
- I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing. - Most of the time
- Keep my options open. - let’s well understood
- And that’s suicide. - Most of the time
- By tiny, tiny increments. - I wouldn't change it iflcould
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
Right down to the bone
I can survive and l can endure
Hell, l don´t even think
About her
Most of the time
Are you gonna lie in that flower bed all night?
No.
- You’re soaking. - Yeah.
You’re also an idiot.
- Look, Laura, I'm really sorry. - Thank you. I appreciate it.
Why don’t you just get back, and I'm just gonna wait here for the bus.
No, I don’t want to be there. When I saw you leave, l used it as an excuse to get out.
- ls there anything I can do? - Come on.
- Where? - I'll show you. Let’s go.
Right.
Dad used to bring us here when we were kids.
Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me?
´Cause I want to feel something else than this.
It’s either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fi re.
Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
No. I only have a few left. I've been saving them for later.
Right. lt´ll have to be sex then.
Right. Right.
I knew there was a reason l wore a skirt today.
-Just stay there. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
It doesn’t seem so long ago that I looked at you from here.
Hey, go be with your mom.
I'm too tired.
I'm too tired not to be with you.
Well, so if you had a bit more energy, we´d stay split up?
But things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you wanna get back together?
- ls that it? - Yeah.
What about lan?
Well, Ray´s a disaster.
Iook...
I know it’s not very romantic, Rob.
But there will be romance again at some stage, I'm sure. l...
- I just... - So that’s it?
Well, you´ve made it clear you want me back, so...
Look, um, we can talk about it later if-if you want to.
Right now, l... I just...
Right now, I just want to go home with you.
Okay.
So, yeah.
And so we got back together, and it was great.
She moved all her stuff back in, all at once.
- So when exactly did you decide to get back with me exactly? - I'm not telling you.
- See, that’s not... not a nice way to play at all. That’s not... - The better you look
- We went out to dinner every night. - The more I want you
What else?
- When you turn on your smile - We stayed in and made love all the time.
- l feel my heart go wild - We talked about the future.
- lmportant stuff. lssues. - I'm like a child with
-A brand new toy - How can you like Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye?
That’s like saying you support the lsraelis and the Palestinians.
No, it’s not like saying that at all actually, Rob.
Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.
Made. Made. Marvin Gaye´s dead. His father shot him.
You could say it was everything l ever wanted really.
- Marvin Gaye! - I know.
"Let’s Get lt On". That’s our song!
Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship.
Oh, is that so? I'd like a word with him then.
It was everything l ever wanted...
except for some fuckin´ reason...
this...
Excuse me. ls this Stereolab?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I haven’t heard this one. let’s really good.
Yeah, I know.
- Are you Bob? - Rob.
Oh, right. Yeah, Rob. You used to deejay.
I used to go to the Doubledoor to hear you spin.
You were unbelievable.
- Really? - I'm Caroline.
Hi.
- What do you do? - I work for the Reader. l write a music column.
You’re Caroline Fortis? l read your column.
- let’s great. You really know what you’re talking about. - Thanks.
- Rob, phone. - Can you take a message?
It’s your girlfriend.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, what the fuck is this?
- Talk to your woman. - lt was her idea.
Crumbs busted Pass the popcorn as l kick...
Laura!
"Dance music for old people"?
It’s an idea I had when I was with, um, lan...
and I thought it was such a good one that I was really annoyed we weren’t together any more.
- lt may be why I came back. - A record release party?
What if I was doing something that can’t be cancelled?
- Rob, what are you ever doing that can’t be cancelled? - That’s not the point!
- The single cannot be done in time. l mean, there’s a million things! - lt´ll be done.
Oh, guess what. Barry said his band will play a set.
Barry is playing at this thing?
Fucking, what are you... Are you insane?
- Barry, I'll give... I'll give you ten percent of the door if you don’t play. - No!
Rob, we’re getting that anyway.
- Twenty. Twenty percent. - No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.
A hundred and ten percent. That’s how much it means to me not to hear you play.
- Rob, we’re called Sonic Death Monkey. - Sonic Death Monkey?
Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can’t handle it, fuck them.
Let'em riot. We’re Sonic fucking Death Monkey.
Let me get this straight. We made the CD with you.
Now your friends and your girlfriend are throwing some kind of celebration party or something...
and you’re asking us not to come to the party?
Exactly.
I don’t know, dude. That just seems kind of stupid.
It´s just the whole thing is just blown way out of proportion.
It´s just a three-song CD. lt’s a single.
It´s just... lt’s not a big deal.
It´s just that you’re making something.
You, the critic, the professional appreciator...
put something new into the world...
and the second one of those things gets sold to someone, you’re officially a part of it.
Congratulations, Rob.
You know, I guess I think I've always been a professional critic...
you know, or some sort of professional appreciator or something.
And I just wanted to, you know, do something new...
put something new out into the world...
you know, kind of really put my money where my mouth is.
Yeah. Wow. I would... You know, l wouldlove to hear them.
- Why don’t I send it over to you when it’s, uh, done? - Really?
- I will look forward to that. - I will look forward to sending it.
- You know, we should get back to the interview. - Sure, yeah.
Okay. What are your all-time top five favourite records?
In a club or at home?
Listen. I'll tell you what. Why don’t I just make you a tape?
Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art.
Many do´s and don´ts.
First ofall, you’re using someone else´s poetry to express how you feel.
This is a delicate thing.
So, for this one, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking...
When is this gonna stop?
When´s what gonna stop?
Uh, nothin´.
Who´s the tape for?
Just some girl who interviewed me for the Reader.
So what am I gonna do now? Just keep jumping from rock to rock...
for the rest of my life until there aren´t any rocks left?
Should I bolt every time l get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new?
I've been thinking with my gut since I was 1 4 years old...
and, frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.
Hi. A drinking lunch on a school day.
That’s a nice surprise.
- Are you nervous about tomorrow night? - Not really, no.
Well, um, are you gonna talk to me, or shall I get my paper out?
- No, no, I'm gonna talk to you. - Great. What are you gonna talk to me about?
Um, I'm gonna talk to you about whether or not...
you want to get married to me.
- I'm serious. - Yes, I know.
Well, thanks a fucking bunch.
I'm sorry, but two days ago you were making tapes...
- for that girl from The Reader. - Yeah.
Well, forgive me if I don’t think ofyou as the world´s safest bet.
Would you marry me if I was?
- What brought all this on? - I don’t know.
- I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time. - About what?
This stuff. Love and settling down and marriage, you know?
I want to think about something else.
I changed my mind.
That’s the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
- I do. I will. -Just shut up, please.
I'm trying to explain, okay?
That other girl, or other women, whatever...
I mean, I was thinking that they´re just fantasies.
You know? And they always seem really great...
because there’s never any problems.
And if there are, they’re cute problems like...
you know, we bought each other the same Christmas present...
or she wants to go see a movie that I've already seen, you know?
And then I come home, and you and I have real problems...
and you don’t even want to see the movie I want to see, period.
- There’s no lingerie and... - I have lingerie.
Yes, you do. You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear...
that’s been washed a thousand times, and it’s hanging on the thing and...
A-And they have it too. lt´s just I don’t have to see it because it’s not in the fantasy.
Do you understand?
I'm tired of the fantasy...
because it doesn’t really exist.
And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
- Delivers? - Delivers.
Right. And I'm tired of it.
And I'm tired ofeverything else, for that matter.
But I don’t ever seem to get tired of you.
So...
I think I know what you mean.
But were you really expecting me to say yes?
I don’t know. l didn’t think about it really.
I thought asking was the important part.
Well, you´ve asked. Thank you.
-All right! -Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.
That was just a little bit of "l Sold My Mom´s Wheelchair..".
the title track from the album of same name...
the record we’re having this record release party for.
The two burgeoning criminals behind this opus are standing by the bar.
They’re underage, and we´ll lose our liquor license...
But we´ll get to them in a moment.
First, I have to introduce a band, so please don’t leave...
until after they finish and we play the record.
Right now, it’s my great, great pleasure...
to introduce Sonic Death Monkey.
I'm an idiot. I should’ve played the whole album first.
- These people are gonna burn the place down. - No, no, it’s gonna be fine.
It’s gonna be fine. These people are ready for anything.
- let’s gonna be fine. Watch. - Thank you.
You’re too kind. Rob, thankyou for the enthusiastic intro...
but we’re no longer called Sonic Death Monkey.
Uh, we’re on the verge of being called, uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive.
However, this evening we will be BarryJive...
and the Uptown Five.
I been really tryin', baby
To hold on to this feeling
For so long
And if you feel
Like l feel, sugar, come on
Ohhh, come on, oooh
Let´s get it on
Let’s love, sugar
Let´s get it on
Sugar
Let´s get it on
Whoo-ooh-ooh
We are all sensitive people
With so much to give
Understanding, sugar
Since we got to be
Let’s live
I love you
There’s nothin' wrong
With me loving you
And giving yourself to me
Could never be wrong
If the love is true, oh, baby
Don´t you know how sweet and wonderful
- Life can be - The making of a great compilation tape...
like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem.
You gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention.
Then you gotta take it up a notch, but you don’t want to blow your wad.
So then you gotta cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules.
Anyway, I've started to make a tape...
- Here’s the songs that meet our ears - in my head for Laura.
-And sights our eyes behold - Full of stuff she´d like.
Full of stuff that’d make her happy.
We’ll open up our merging hearts
- For the first time, l can sort of see how that’s done. -And see our empty souls
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when l fall in love
This time it will be forever
Without despair
We will share
And the joys of caring
Will not be replaced
What has been
Must never end
And with the strength we have
Won’t be erased
When the truth of love are planned and firm
They won’t be hard to find
And the words oflove l speak to you
Will echo in my mind
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when l fall in love this time
It will be forever, ever
Ever, ever, ever, ever
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever, ever, ever
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever, ever
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when l fall in love with you
It will be forever
- God answered - l believe when l fall in love
- My prayer - With you it will be forever
- God answered my prayer - l believe when l fall in love with you
- lt will be forever - Oh, baby
Well, l just got out my little redbook
The minute that you said goodbye
It thumbed right through my little redbook
I wasn't gonna sit andcry
Andl went from A to Z
I took out every pretty girl in town
They danced with me and as l held them
All l did was talk about you
Hear your name and I'd start to cry
There´s just no getting over you
Oh, no
There ain't no girl in my little redbook
Who could ever replace your charms
And each girl in my little redbook
Knows you´re the one I'm thinking of
Oh, won´t you please come back
Without your precious love l can´t go on
Where can love be, l need you so much
All l did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and I'd start to cry
There´s just no getting overyou
Oh, no
Oh, won´t you please come back
Without your precious love l can´t go on
It’s haunting me, l need you so much
All l did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and I'd start to cry
There´s just no getting over you
All l did was talk, talk aboutyou
Hear your name and, oh, I'd start to cry
There´s just no getting over you
Oh, no