Oh, yeah
Oh
Youīre gonna wake up one mornin'
As thesungreets the dawn
Youīre gonna wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn
You didn't realize
Oh, youīre gonna miss me, baby
- Oh, youīre gonna miss me, baby - What came first?
The music or the misery?
People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos...
that some sort ofculture ofviolence will take them over.
Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands...
literally, thousands ofsongs about heartbreak, rejection...
pain, misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable...
or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
Youīre gonna wake up wonderin'
Findyourselfon the floor
You donīt have to go this second. You can stay until whenever.
No. Weīve done the hard part now. l might as well...
Why donīt you stay for tonight then?
Laura.
Youīrejust gonna...
My desert island, all-time top five most memorable breakups...
in chronological order...
are as follows:
Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick...
Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson and Sarah Kendrew.
Those were the ones that really hurt.
Can you see your name on that list, Laura?
Maybe youīd sneak into the top ten.
But thereīsjust no room foryou in the top five. Sorry!
Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak...
youīre just not capable of delivering.
I'm not coming home
If you really wanted to mess me up, you shouldīve gotten to me earlier!
Oh, yeah
Oh
Which brings us to number one on the top five, all-time breakup list:
Alison Ashmore.
Candy on the beach Thereīs nothing better
One moment they werenīt there. Not in any form that interested us, anyway.
And then the next, you couldnīt miss them.
They were everywhere, and theyīd grown breasts.
- And we wanted... - I want candy
Actually, we didnīt even know what we wanted.
- I want candy - But it was something interesting.
- Disturbing, even. - I want candy
- My relationship with Alison Ashmore lasted for six hours: - I want candy
the two hours after school, before The RockfordFiles...
for three days in a row.
But on the fourth afternoon...
Kevin Bannister.
Slut.
lt would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed...
relationships have become more sophisticated...
females less cruel...
skins thicker, instincts more developed.
But there seems to be an element ofthat afternoon in everything thatīs happened to me since.
All my romantic stories are a scrambled version ofthat first one.
Number two on the top five, all-time breakup list was Penny Hardwick.
Penny was great-looking...
and her top-five recording artists were Carly Simon, Carole King...
James Taylor, Cat Stevens and Elton John.
I remember when rock wasyoung
- Me and Susie had so much fun - Erin! No, come here!
Holdin' hands and skimminī stones
- Hadan oldgold Chevy andaplace of my own - She was nice.
Nice manners, nice grades, nice looking.
She was so nice, in fact, that she wouldnīt let me put my hand...
underneath or even on top of her bra.
- Now, when she comes walkin' over - Attack and defence. lnvasion and repulsion.
lt was as if breasts were little pieces of property that had unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex.
They were rightfully ours, and we wanted them back.
Crimson andclover
Sometimes I got so bored oftrying to touch her breasts that I would try to touch her between her legs.
l was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down and asking for 50 grand instead.
l wasnīt interested in Pennyīs nice qualities, just breasts...
and therefore she was no good to me.
Whatīs the point? lt never goes anywhere.
Rob?
l started dating a girl who everyone said would give it up and who didnīt...
and Penny went with this asshole named Chris Thompson who told me that he had sex with her...
after something like three dates.
l own this store called Championship Vinyl.
ltīs located in a neighbourhood that attracts the bare minimum ofwindow shoppers.
l get by because the people make a special effort to shop here.
Mostly young men...
who spend all their time looking for deleted Smiths singles...
and original... not re-released, underlined... Frank Zappa albums.
Fetish properties are not unlike porn.
I'd feel guilty taking their money if I wasnīt...
well, kinda one ofīem.
- Morning, Dick. - Oh. Hi. Hi, Rob.
- Have a good weekend? - Yeah, okay.
Um, I found the fi rst Liquorice Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl...
the one on Testament of outh.
Never released here. A Japanese import only.
Great. Great.
- I'll tape it foryou. - No, thatīs okay. Really.
īCause you liked their second one, you said. Um, Pop Girls, Etc.
Thatīs the one with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.
Oh, you never saw the cover, though. You just had that tape that I made you.
Yeah, I havenīt really absorbed that one yet.
Well...
- I'll just make it foryou. - Okay.
SeymourStein
I've been lonely
- Dick. Whatīs this? - ltīs the new Belle and Sebastian.
Do you like it?
Holy Shiite.
- What the fuck is that? - Itīs the new Belle and Sebastian that...
ltīs a record weīve been listening to and enjoying, Barry.
Well, thatīs unfortunate, because it sucks ass.
Yours, I assume.
Mmm, yeah
lusedto think maybeyou lovedme
Now, baby, I'm sure
Turn it off, Barry!
-Andljust canīt wait till the day whenyou knock - lt wonīt go any louder! l...
- On my door - Turn it off!
Noweverytime lgo forthe mailbox lgotta holdmyselfdown
īCause ljust canīt wait tillyou write meyour...
Okay, buddy, uh, l wasjust trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music. See if I care.
l donīt wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry. I just want something that I can ignore.
Hereīs the thing: l made that tape special for today.
My special Monday morning tape foryou, special!
Well, itīs fucking Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!
Come on, dude. Play it.
Donīt you wanna hear whatīs next?
- Whatīs next? - Play it.
Say it.
"Little Latin Loopy-Loo".
- Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels? - No!
- The Righteous Brothers. - Well, never mind.
No, not never mind. You tell me right now... whatīs wrong with the Righteous Brothers?
- Nothing. l... I just prefer the other one. - Bullshit!
How can it be bullshit to state a preference?
- Since when did this store become a fascist regime? - Since you brought that bullshit tape in.
Oh, man, thatīs great. Thatīs the fun thing about working in a record store.
You get to play crappy pap you donīt even wanna listen to.
l just... I thought this tape was gonna be a fuckinī...
conversation stimulator, man.
l was gonna askyou foryour top five records to play on a Monday morning and all that...
and you just had to fuckinī ruin it.
- Weīll do it next Monday. - No! I wanna do it now!
l canīt fi re them. I hired these guys for three days a week, and theyjust started showing up every day.
That was fouryears ago.
Number three on the top five all-time breakup list?
Charlie Nicholson. Sophomore year ofcollege.
Whoo! Am I glad thatīs over.
As soon as I saw her I realized she was the kind of girl I'd wanted to meet...
ever since I was old enough to want to meet girls.
l mean, she was different.
She was dramatic and she was exotic.
- The guy with the make-up and the tongue. - Gene Simmons. - Gene Simmons. There.
And she talked a lot, and when she talked she said remarkably interesting things...
about music, books, fi lm and politics.
- Yeah, Chairman Mao. - And she talked a lot. - Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?
- No. - Huh? No.
And you wonīt will you, sweetheart? No.
Kiss my neck. Yeah.
And she liked me.
She liked me. She liked me.
At least I think she did.
- Do you like that one? - Yeah.
ltīs okay.
We went out for two years, and...
l never got comfortable.
Why would a girl... No, a woman like Charlie go out with me?
l felt like a fraud. I felt like one ofthose people who suddenly shave their heads and said theyīd always been punks.
l was sure I'd be discovered at any second.
And I worried about my abilities as a lover.
And I was intimidated by other men in her design department...
and became convinced she was gonna leave me for one ofthem.
Then she left me for one ofthem. The dreaded Marco.
Charlie, you fucking bitch! Letīs work it out!
Just open the fucking door! Charlie!
Look, letīs talk it... Char...
And then I lost it.
Kinda lost it all, you know?
Faith, dignity, about 1 5 pounds.
When I came to a few months later...
l found, to my surprise, l had flunked out ofschool.
l started working in a record shop.
Some people never got over' Nam or the night their band opened for Nirvana.
l guess I never really got over Charlie.
But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie debacle is that you gotta punch your weight.
See, Charlie, sheīs out of my class.
Sheīs too pretty, too smart, too witty, too much.
l mean, what am l? I'm a middleweight.
Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the dumbest.
l mean, I've read books like The Unbearable Lightness ofBeing...
and Love in the Time ofCholera and, uh... and I think I've understood them.
l mean, theyīre about girls, right? Just kidding.
But I have to say...
my all-time favourite book is Johnny Cashīs autobiography, Cash byJohnny Cash.
- Championship. - Hi.
Hi.
Um, I was thinking...
l could come by the house and pick up some stuff while youīre at work tomorrow.
While I'm at work. While I'm at work.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy. - Thatīs whatyougot to say is, "Oh, boy"?
lmean, bravo. Thatīs...
- Laura, this isjust so dumb. l mean, you should... - Look, Rob.
l gotta go.
Um, I'm looking for a record for my daughter for her birthday.
"l Just Called to Say I Love You". Do you have it?
- Yeah. - Great. - We have it. - Great.
- Can I have it then? - No. No, you canīt.
- Why not? - Well, itīs sentimental, tacky crap, thatīs why not.
Do we look like the kind ofstore that sells "l Just Called to Say I Love You"?
Go to the mall.
- Whatīs your problem? - Do you even know your daughter?
Thereīs no way she likes that song. Oh... Uh, oh, is she in a coma?
Oh, okay, buddy. I didnīt know it was Pick On The Middle-Aged Square Guy Day.
My apologies. I'll be on my way.
Bye-bye.
Fuckyou.
Nice, Barry. Really, really nice. That wasjust top class.
Rob. Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the'80s and'90s. Go.
Sub-question: ls it, in fact, unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter-day sins?
ls it better to burn out than to fade away?
-Barry, I'm fucking broke, man! -Jesus! He was gonna buy one record, which we didnīt even have, and then leave and never come back again anyway.
-Thatīs not the point. What did he ever do to you? -He offended me with his terrible taste.
lt wasnīt even his terrible taste. lt was his daughterīs.
Are you defending that ass-muncher? Come on, Rob.
Youīre going soft in your old age. Jesus!
Now all ofa sudden I'm offending your golf buddy.
I'm gonna tell you something foryour own good, pal.
Thatīs the worst fuckinī sweater I've ever seen. ltīs a Cosby sweater.
A Cosby sweater!
Did Laura let you leave the house like that, because...
- Hey... - Hey! Hey! - Fuckinī asshole.
- What are you do... - Shut up. Will you shut up?
- Uh... - Will you? - break it up. - Youīre a fuckinī maniac.
I swear to God, ifyou tore this thing, itīs vintage, and I would fuckinī sockyour nose.
Youīll pay big.
Are you all right?
Yeah. Look, Dick, Laura and l broke up. Sheīs gone.
So ifyou ever see Barry again, maybe you could tell him that.
Ofcourse I will, Rob. No problem.
No problem at all.
I'll tell him next time I see him. Defi nitely.
I've, uh, got some other stuff to tell him, anyway, so itīs no problem.
I'll just tell him, you know, about Laura...
um, when I tell him...
the other stuff.
Do you want to talk about it, that kind ofthing?
No. Thankyou, though, Dick.
Thankyou.
Look at these. I used to dream I'd be surrounded by exotic womenīs underwear forever and ever.
Now I know theyjust save their best pairs for the nights they know theyīre gonna sleep with somebody.
Hello, Laura, this isyourmother. Your fatherīs angina is a little rough today.
lthought he might like to talk toyou. ltīs no big deal.
lloveyou two. Bye-bye.
Anyway, me and Charlie, we didnīt match.
Marco and Charlie matched.
Me and Sarah, number four on the all-time list? We matched.
Sheīd just been dumped by some asshole named Michael.
l mean, Michael was such an asshole.
I'd just been run over by Charlie.
l know exactly what you mean.
l mean, itīsjust so painful and draining.
I'm just gonna be by myself for a while.
Me too. Me too.
lt made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex.
And while we were at it we could share a bed with somebody at the same time.
We were frightened of being left alone for the rest ofour lives.
Only people ofa certain disposition are frightened of being left alone for the rest oftheir lives at 26.
We were ofthat disposition.
- So when she told me... - I've met someone else.
Who?
Just someone else.
lt was contrary to the whole spirit ofour arrangement.
l donīt have to take this shit. You think I fuckinī look like shit, huh?
So how come I got dumped?
What?
- Hey, Dick. Come on in. What is it? - Oh, um, well, weīre going to Lounge Axe...
and, um, I wasjust wondering ifyou wanted to come along with us.
Whoa.
Um, Marie De Salleīs playing.
You remember I told you about her today? I like her.
Sheīs kind ofSheryl Crow-ish, crossed with a, um, post-Partridge Family, pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind ofthing.
- But, you know, um, black. - Yeah.
So, um, I just wanted to know ifyou wanted to come along.
Barry thought so too, really, but I guess it looks as ifyouīre...
- reorganizing your records. - Reorganizing my records. Yeah.
Um, what is this, uh, chronological?
No.
- Not alphabetical. - Nope.
What?
Autobiographical.
- No fucking way. - Yep.
l can tell you how I got from Deep Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves.
- Oh, my God. - And, if I want to fi nd the song "Landslide," by Fleetwood Mac...
l have to remember that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1 983 pile...
but didnīt give it to them for personal reasons.
- That sounds... - Comforting?
- Yes. - lt is.
- Hello? - Well, shoo.
l can stick around, you know, man, ifyou... l... ifyou want me to help out.
But you really shouldnīt, uh, keep'em piled like this, because it gets really pressured.
- Hold on. - You know? - See you tomorrow. - Oh. Okay.
- Okay. - I'll see you.
- Hi, Mom. - Howīs the store?
You know something? Youīre very lucky that Laura is doing as well as sheīs doing.
Because if it wasnīt for her, I donīt think either of us would ever sleep.
She left. Sheīs gone.
What? What do you mean?
- Where did she go? - How wouldlknow where?
Sheīs gone. Girlfriend leave. Not say where gone. Laura move out.
- Well, callhermother. - Shejust called.
She doesnīt even know. Probably the last time I'll ever hear her voice.
- I'm all right, ifthatīs whatīs upsetting you. - That is not whatīs upsetting me.
- Well, it fuckinī should be, shouldnīt it? - I knew this would happen.
- What areyougonna do, Rob? - I'm gonna drink a bottle ofwine, I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.
- Then I'm gonna go to work. -Andthen what?
I'm gonna meet a nice girl and have children.
l promise the next time we talk, I'll have it all fi gured out. Okay?
- I knew... I knew it was gonna happen again. - What are you getting so upset about?
- Doyou know whyshe left? - ltīs got nothing to do with marriage.
-Soyousay! -Mom, I'm telling you for the last time.
Laura didnīt even want to get married. Sheīs not that kind of girl.
- Thatīs not what happens now. Okay? - Oh, ldonīt know what happensnow.
Apart from you meet someone, you move in, she goes!
You meetsomeone, you move in, shegoes!
Shut up, Mom! Goddam!
Thatīs some cold shit.
John Dillinger was shot dead behind that theatre in a hail of FBl gunfi re.
You know who tipped'em off? His fuckinī girlfriend.
Hejust wanted to go to the movies.
ls that Peter fucking Frampton?
l wish lcouldbuy words
Out ofseason
So donīt
Donīt hesitate
īCause ourlove
Just wonīt wait
Ooh, baby, lloveyour way
- Rob. - Wanna tellyou llove - What?
- Yeah. Hey. - Your way
- I always hated that song. - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it. - Wanna be withyou night andday - Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
īCause l
She shouldīve done it on The NumberFour with a Smile.
Wasnīt her record called NumberFour with a Smile?
- Thatīs what I said. - No, no. You said "The NumberFour with a Smile. "
Thereīs no "The" at the front ofthe title ofthe album.
ltīs a reference to a Chinese meal in Toronto...
uh, so I think that there is "The," but I could be wrong.
- You can be, and are, wrong. - Wanna tellyou lloveyour way
l wanna be withyou night andday
l wanna date a musician.
-'Cause l - I wanna live with a musician.
- Feelthatyou - Sheīd write songs at home and ask me what I thought ofīem...
and maybe even include one ofour private littlejokes in the liner notes.
Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.
Just in the background somewhere.
- Donīt hesitate - Yeah.
- So, um, do you live in Chicago now? - I do.
Do you love it? You should come to our record store.
- Championship Vinyl. - Oh, my God, yes. Oh, youīd love it.
- We sell a little bit ofanything that matters. - He owns it. ltīs on Milwaukee.
- Rock, soul, trip-hop, salsa. - Ska, techno and pop.
- Will you come? - Yeah, Marie. - Okay, okay. - Sounds good.
- Championship Vinyl. - Championship Vinyl. - Enjoyed your set.
Thankyou.
- Barry, whyīd you tell her about the store, man? - Oh, man, I'm sorry.
l didnīt know it was classified information.
l mean, I know we donīt have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing...
not, like, a business strategy.
Rob?ltīs Liz.
Just calling to see if, you know, well, youīre okay.
Look, I'myourfriendtoo, so I'm not taking sides. Yet.
- Shadowsgrowso long before my eyes - Give me a call. Okay?Bye.
- Hi. - What are you doing here?
- Took the morning off. - Come on, Rob.
Do you still love me?
Well, itīs not really the issue, is it?
Why? I mean, what else is there? What do you mean? What else is there?
l donīt know. lt doesnīt change the way we donīt get along at all.
ln fact, I hope weīre not in love any more, to be honest.
- lt would give me a better opinion of love right now. - Come on!
What, did I beat you? Did I tell you you were a bad person? l mean, what the fuck?
- What should I have done to make you happy? - Nothing. Make yourself happy.
Oh, I see. Um, wh-why am I not happy?
Because youīre the same person you used to be...
and I'm not.
- And all I've done is changejobs. - Clothes and hairstyles.
- Attitudes and friends. - I couldnīt go to work with my hair dyed pink.
- Youīre harder. - You havenīt changed so much as a pair ofsocks since I've known you.
- Oh, come on, Laura. Now youīrejust being stupid. - At least you used to talk about the future.
Now you donīt even do that.
- Look, I'm all right. Youīre the one that hates herjob. - See? You havenīt got a clue.
l like myjob.
All I'm saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people...
most ofall to yourself.
And you donīt, Rob.
So whatīs the use?
Rob, itīs your turn.
Okay, I'm feeling kinda basic today.
Top Five Side Ones, Track Ones.
"JanieJones," The Clash, from The Clash.
"Letīs Get lt On," Marvin Gaye, from Letīs Get lt On. "
Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit," off of Nevermind.
Oh, no, Rob, thatīs not obvious enough. Not at all.
How about, uh, "Point of No Return" on Point ofNo Return?
- Louis, you couldnīt get up... - Shut up. Shut up.
- "White Light/White Heat," Velvet Underground. - Okay, that would be on my list.
- Though not on mine. - And Massive Attack, No Protection.
- The song is "Radiation Ruling the Nation". - Ohh!
- Kind ofa new record. Very... - Excuse me. I was in here last night... - ln a minute. Very nice, Rob.
A sly declaration of new classic status slipped into a list ofold safe ones.
Very pussy.
- Excuse me, I was in here last... - ln a minute.
Couldnīt you be any more obvious than that, Rob? How about, uh, l donīt know, the Beatles?
How about fucking... fucking Beethoven? Track one, side one ofthe Fifth Symphony.
How can someone who has no interest in music own a record store?
Do you still have that, uh, Beefheart French import, Safe asMilk?
Um, letīs see.
Ah, yes, here it is.
Yes.
- How much you want for it? - Uh...
Yes... Oh, no. You know what?
- I donīt think I'm selling it this week. Maybe next week. - Oh, no. You said that last week.
Did l? Yeah, well, l just... l... Uh...
Nicely played.
You know, I donīt have that record. I'll buy it for 40.
- Rob? - Sold.
- Now, why would you sell it to me and not to him? - Because youīre not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs. - No, weīre not. - No, seriously, youīre totally elitist.
You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit on the people who know less than you.
- No. - Which is everybody. - Yes.
ltīsjust sad, thatīs all.
I'm sick ofthe sight ofthis place.
Some days I'm afraid I'll go berserk...
throw the country "A" through "K" rack out on the street...
and go work at a Virgin Megastore and never come back.
- Hello. - Hey, Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You know, ljust wantedto call andthankyou forthat message yousent me last night.
lt really made me feel like less ofan asshole.
Oh. Well, how are you holding up?
Good. Good. I mean, look, maybe weīre just not right for each other, right?
- I mean, or maybe we are. - Mmm. Yeah.
Time will tellat thispoint, andifitīs time to move on, itīs time to move on.
l donīt know. l... l donīt want to take sides and...
And I like you with Laura. l thinkyou guys are good together.
And I donīt think much ofthis lan guy.
Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store.
l gotta go, Liz.
- We should maybe turn off her music. - I know.
Hey. I like the music.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, l can go turn it off ifyou want.
You might be sick of it.
- You should turn it up. - Oh, right, yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, let me go do that after I go do something else that I have to go do.
- All righty. Hmm. - Yeah, I got the, uh... Excuse me. Okay?
What fucking lan guy?
Laura doesnīt know anybody called lan.
Thereīs no lan in her office. She has no friends called lan!
I'm almost certain she has never met anyone named lan in her entire life.
She lives in an...
"lan-less" universe.
"l. Raymond".
Ray. "l".
lan.
Mr l. Raymond. Ray to his friends, and more importantly to his neighbour.
The guy who, until about six weeks ago, lived upstairs.
l start to remember things about him now.
His horrible clothes and hair.
His music: Latin, Bulgarian, whatever world music was trendy that week.
He had rings on his fi ngers. Awful cooking smells.
l never liked him much then, and I fuckinī hate him now.
We used to listen to him having sex upstairs.
Jeez, he goes on long enough.
Mm-hmm. l should be so lucky.
lt feels sogood
You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn fi lm, Laura.
You are lanīs plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks oforgasmic delight.
No woman in the history ofthe world is having better sex than the sex you are having with lan...
in my head.
Oh, baby, give it up
Ain't no use
Number five:Jackie Alden.
Jackie Aldenīs breakup had no effect on my life whatsoever.
lt was a casual thing, and I was glad when it ended.
l just slotted her in to bump Laura out of position.
But now, congratulations, Laura.
You made it to the top five.
Number five with a bullet. Welcome.
Wonīt somebodyplease
Help me with my misery
- Canīt somebodysee - Hey.
Do you have soul?
What this one loveīs done to me
That all depends.
- Nowlknow, lknow - Back row, right next to the blues.
Championship Vinyl.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm interested. Sure.
Whatīs your address?
- Hey, Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You fucking asshole!
Hi, Barry.
Soarin'andborin'
lfeelI'm ignorin'
My time in the world Haveyou heard
For a couple ofyears l was a deejay at a club.
l was good at it, I think...
and while I was doing it is the happiest I've ever been.
And thatīs where I met Laura.
She was already a lawyer, but she worked for Legal Aid...
hence the leatherjacket and the clubbing.
Oh, I liked her right away.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Thatīs a kick-ass record. - What?
- Thatīs a kick-ass record. - Yeah. I know.
- Um, whatīs your name? - Laura.
Hey. I was gonna say, come back next week and I'll make you a tape.
- All right. Thankyou. - Okay? - Great.
- Rob. - I'm still Laura.
To be honest, I hadnīt met anyone as promising as Laura since I started deejaying...
and meeting promising women is kind ofwhat the deejaying thing is supposed to be about.
And anyway, we... we moved on from there.
She lost her lease on her apartment in Lakeview, and she moved in with me.
And it stayed that way foryears.
She didnīt make me miserable, or anxious...
or ill-at-ease.
And you know, it sounds boring, but it wasnīt.
lt wasnīt spectacular, either. lt wasjust...
good.
But really good.
So, how come I'm suddenly an asshole?
l get the feeling that Liz talked to Laura...
and Liz stuck up for me...
and Laura told her a few things.
l donīt know what precisely Laura said, but she would have revealed at least two,
maybe even all four ofthe following pieces of information.
One: that I slept with someone else...
- He slept with somebody else. - What?
while she, Laura, was pregnant.
- While I was pregnant. - No!
Two:
that my affair directly contributed...
Pretty much directly to me terminating the pregnancy.
- No. - Three:
that after the abortion, I borrowed a large sum of money from her...
- Four grand or so. - and have not, as ofyet, repaid any of it.
The bastard!
Four:
that shortly before she left me...
l told her that I was kind of unhappy in the relationship...
and maybe sort of looking around for someone else.
He was "sort of, maybe" looking around for somebody else.
- Did I do and say those things? - Yes.
- No! - Yes, I did.
l am a fuckinī asshole.
- Thatīs it. - Liz... No. Sit down.
Sit down.
Thatīs shocking.
That is shocking.
First ofall, the money.
Laura had it and I didnīt.
And she wanted to give it to me.
I've never been able to pay her back because I've never been able to.
Just because she moved in with some Supertramp fan...
it doesnīt make me five grand richer.
And number two, this stuff about me half-looking around for someone else?
She tricked me into saying it.
We were having this State-of-the-Union type conversation...
and she said, quite matter offactly, that we were pretty unhappy at the moment.
And did I agree? And I said yes.
And she asked me whether I ever thought about meeting other people.
So then I asked her ifshe ever thought about meeting someone else.
She says, "Ofcourse". So I admit that, yes, I daydream about it from time to time.
Now I can see what we were really talking about is her and lan...
and she suckered me into absolving her.
lt was a sneaky lawyerīs trick and I fell for it...
because sheīs much smarter than me.
All right, then the pregnancy.
l didnīt know she was pregnant. Ofcourse I didnīt.
l didnīt know because she hadnīt told me.
She hadnīt told me because l had told her that I had sor... Yes, I'd slept with someone else.
So I didnīt fi nd out she was pregnant till way later.
We were going through this good period and I made some crack about having kids and...
- What? - and shejust burst into tears.
And I said, "Well, what is it," you know. "What..."
And I made her tell me, and she did...
and I went into this briefand ill-advised bout ofself-righteousness, you know...
What right do you have? My child too... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That pretty much brings us up to date.
Who needs a drink?
Who loves thesun
Who cares that it makes plantsgrow
Whatīs wrong with me? Seriously.
What happened?
Why am I doomed to be left?
Doomed to be rejected?
l need answers.
Number one. To Alison Ashmore.
- Hello? - This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling.
- Hi. - I'm an oldfriendofAlisonīs and, um...
- What did you say your name was? - Rob. Rob Gordon.
Um, I was actually her... her first boyfriend in the seventh grade...
and I was just wondering ifyou had any way of reaching her or her number or...
l hate to quibble with you, Rob, but Alison married her fi rst boyfriend.
Kevin Bannister. He is her fi rst and last boyfriend.
- You gotta be kidding me. - Uh, no, I'm quiteserious.
She is Mrs Kevin Bannister. She lives in Australia.
- We went out together in the seventh grade. - I beg your pardon.
Well, technically, I'm her first boyfriend, okay?
I met her a few days before Kevin did. Technically, number one. Me.
- I donīt know what you mean by "technically". - You know.
I'm number one. Me. Technically.
I see. Well, maybe itīs my mistake.
I've got to go now, Bob. Okay, bye-bye.
Who loves the sun
Alison married Kevin!
I am fine now!
Married her junior high school sweetheart.
Kissed me on the bench. Kissed Kevin on the bench. Married Kevin.
This is great! This has got nothing to do with me.
This is fate. This is destiny.
It is beyond my control, beyond my fault. I love this!
I want more. I want to see the others on the big top five.
I wanna see Penny and Charlie and Sarah, all ofthem, you know.
Just see'em and talk to'em, you know, like a Bruce Springsteen song.
You call, you ask'em how they are, and you see iftheyīve forgiven you.
Yeah, and then... and then I'd feel good.
And theyīd feel good.
No, theyīd feel good maybe, but youīd feel better.
I'd feel clean and calm.
Thatīs what youīre looking for. You wanna get ready to start again, thatīd be good foryou.
Great, even.
Youīd give that big fi nal "good luck and goodbye" to your all-time top five and just move on down the road.
Good luck. Goodbye.
Thanks, Boss.
Penny is as beautiful as she was in high school and really grown into herself.
She reviews movies for a living, which is unassailably cool...
even ifshe does make these little notes with this little flashlight pen.
We have a good time, and we hate the same actors, and everythingīs going great.
She tells me about her life. l tell her about mine.
We both get it. We both relate.
And then, with no real explanation, l just launch into it.
I tell her about how Laura wanted to sleep with lan and not me...
Charlie wanted to sleep with Marco and not me...
Alison Ashmore wanted Kevin Bannister and not me.
And you, you wanted to... you wanted to have sex with Chris Thompson...
and not me.
And I was helping... hoping you could help me understand why this keeps happening...
why, you know, I'm doomed to be left, doomed to be rejected.
Do you understand?
Well, Rob, uh, I was crazy about you.
I wanted to sleep with you one day, but not when I was 1 6.
You know, when you broke up with me...
you broke up with me because I was, I was...
to use your charming expression, tight...
I cried and I cried and I hated you...
and when that little shit bag asked me out and I was too tired to fi ght him off...
it wasnīt rape, because I said okay, but it wasnīt far off.
You know I couldnīt have sex until after college because I hated it so much?
Thatīs when youīre supposed to have sex, Rob... in college!
And now you want to have a little chat about rejection.
Well, fuckyou, Rob.
God, sheīs right.
I broke up with her. l rejected her.
Thatīs another one I donīt have to worry about. I shouldīve done this years ago.
Maīam, could I get the cheque, please?
Next up, Charlie.
But I'm not quite ready for that...
so I go directly to number four on the all-time breakup list.
Sarah, my partner in rejection who rejected me.
- Hi, Rob. - Hi.
Nice to see you.
- Hi. Okay, yeah. - Nice to see you.
- Yeah. - You want me to come... - You wanna... - Sure.
- You wanna... - Yeah. - Yeah, letīs go out a bit.
I canīt believe I left you for him.
- Probably seemed like a good idea at the time, Sarah. - Yeah, I donīt know why, though.
- Are you seeing anybody? - Um, no, yeah.
- No? - Yeah. I mean, I'm not... - No.
I am. I'm in between things. How are you doinī?
- Me? I'm not good. - Really? - No.
Oh, itīs so hard. The medication I was on is not working.
So weīre trying something else, but itīs like, they donīt know about it, so I'm like a guinea pig, and...
But I'm making money. Thatīs good, īcause I lost myjob a month ago.
- So itīs been, like, hand-to-mouth... - No, I havenīt got the heart for the rejection conversation.
There are no hard feelings here, and I'm glad she ditched me and not the other way around.
I'm late for work, and l... I'll call you.
- Okay. - Nice to see you. Bye. - Bye. See you later.
I couldīve wound up having sex back there.
And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right?
But you wouldnīt be sleeping with a person.
Youīd be sleeping with a whole, sad single-person culture.
Itīd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky ifyou werenīt Rocky.
I feel guilty enough as it is.
Thereīs only Charlie left now.
Sheīs in the fuckinī phone book.
She should be living on Neptune. Sheīs an extraterrestrial.
A ghost, a myth, not a person in a phone book.
- Hi, this is Charlie. - Answering machine.
- Leave me a message... - I'll leave a nice, polite message and sheīll never call back.
Oh, the Killing Moon EP, itīs almost impossible to fi nd, especially on CD.
Yet another cruel trick played on all the dumb-asses who got rid oftheir turntables.
- But every other Echo and the Bunnymen album... - Yeah, I have all the other ones.
Oh, you do? Well, how about theJesus and Mary Chain?
- Ah, they always seemed... - They always seemed what?
They always seemed really great is what they always seemed.
They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and youīre sittinī around complaininī about no more Echo albums.
I canīt believe you donīt own this fucking record. Thatīs insane.
Jesus!
- Can I get two receipts with that? - Well, the interesting thing about Green Day...
is that so much oftheir music is, in truth...
directly influenced by, in my opinion, uh, two bands...
- The Clash... - The Clash.
Uh, correct, uh, the Clash.
Uh, but also by this band called, uh, Stiff Little Fingers.
Um, I thinkyou would really love this band.
Uh, it sounds great.
- My nameīs Anaugh. - The name...
Um, my nameīs Dick.
Is this the new Green Day?
You donīt have it? That is perverse.
Donīt tell anybody you donīt own fucking Blonde on Blonde.
Itīs gonna be okay.
I will now sell five copies ofthe three EPs by the Beta Band.
Do it.
Ifthereīs something inside thatyou wanna say
Say it loud ltīllbe okay
I will be allright l will be allright
If thereīs something inside that you wanna say
- You can say it loud, itīllbe okay - Who is that?
- ltīs the Beta Band. - ltīs good.
I know.
- Barry! The door! - Fuck!
- Go! Go! Go! - Go, go, go, go!
- Gotta go back! - Hey!
Okay, fuckos, how much is this deck worth to you, and how much did you steal? Can you do the math?
- Barry, call the cops. - No! - Hold up, hold up.
Ryuichi Sakamoto, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.
- What, are you guys stealing for other people? - No, those are for us.
-You guys slamming toJoni Mitchell now? -Man, youīre, like, so bigoted.
- You look at us and thinkyou know what we listen to. - I thinkyou have more.
Okay.
Hi.
- What do you want? - I thought I could give you a ride back.
- Are you coming home? - Yeah.
Well, I'd like to come over to your house to pick up some things.
My house.
Howīd it go today?
All right.
- Do you want to go? - Sure.
So, have you tackled the great reorganization yet?
You bet. You can take this with you ifyou want.
Look at this place. Laura, itīs a dump.
What are you making now? Sixty, seventy a year?
And you were living in this shithole.
Bet you canīt even remember what you were doing here.
I was here because l wanted to be with you.
It had nothing to do with this place.
So, uh, where are you staying now?
I thinkyou know that.
- I had to work that out for myself, though, didnīt l? - I'm sorry.
I know I havenīt been very fair.
Thatīs why I came to the store tonight.
It took me a while to work up the courage.
- You scared now? - Yes, ofcourse I am.
I feel terrible, Rob. You know, this is really hard.
Good.
So how is everything going with lan?
Is it working out okay?
- Youīre living with the guy. - Donīt.
I'm just asking you how itīs going.
Iook, I'm not living with the guy, okay?
I'm just staying with him for a few days until I fi gure out what I'm doing.
I left because we werenīt exactly getting along, and we werenīt talking about it.
I'm getting to a point where l want to get my shit together...
and I canīt really see that ever happening with you.
And, yes, I sort of got interested in someone else.
And that went further than it should have, so it seemed like a good time to go.
But I have no idea what will happen with lan in the long run.
Probably nothing.
So, what?
You defi nitely havenīt decided to dump me? ls that it?
Thereīs still a chance we might get back together?
- I donīt know. - Well, ifyou donīt know...
thereīs a chance, right?
I mean, it would be like ifsomeone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill...
and the doctor said, "l donīt know ifthis patient has a chance ofsurvival or not".
That doesnīt mean that the patientīs defi nitely gonna die now, does it? l mean, he might live.
- Even if itīs a remote possibility. - I suppose so.
- So we have a chance of not... - Shut up, Rob.
-l just want to know where I stand here. What chance do we have? -What...
- I donīt know what chance we have. - lfyou could tell me roughly-
All right, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together.
- Nine? - Nine.
- Great. - Look, I know I'm asking a lot...
but could you take off for a while so I can get my stuff packed up?
No problem.
- You want me to leave my own house? - Yes, please.
Laura, can I askyou one question?
Yes. One.
- Youīre not gonna like it. -Just ask it.
- ls it better? - ls what better? Better than what?
Well, sex, I guess. ls it better?
- ls that really whatīs bothering you? - Yes. Yes, ofcourse.
Do you really think it would make a difference either way?
- I donīt know. - Well, the answer is, l donīt know either.
We havenīt done it yet.
- Never? - I havenīt felt like it.
Not even before, when he was living upstairs?
No. I was living with you, remember?
Weīve slept together, but we havenīt made love.
Not yet.
- I'll tell you one thing. - What?
Sleeping together is better.
Sleeping together is better?
But not the sex, because you havenīt done it yet?
- Will you pleasejust go? - Yeah.
We are the champions
- My friends - Yes!
-And weīllkeep on fighting - Put'em up!
- Till the end - I feel good. I feel great.
- We are the champions - I feel like a new man.
- I feel so much better, in fact... - We are the champions
- that I go straight out and sleep with Marie De Salle. - No time forlosers
īCause we are the champions
"How could this have happened?" you ask.
"How does he... How does he do it?"
How does a regular guy like me become the number one lover man in his particular postal district?
Heīs grumpy. Heīs broke. He hangs out with the musical moron twins...
and yet he gets to go to bed with somebody like Marie De Salle.
Hey. Marie.
- Everything go all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Shejust wanted to pick up some stuff, you know. lt was no big deal. lt wasjust...
I hate that time, picking-up-stuff time.
- You know that song I play, "Eartha Kitt Times Two"? - Ofcourse!
I wrote that about me and my ex dividing our record collection.
Itīs a great, great song.
- A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed.... - I wrote thatjust before I moved here.
that what really matters is what you like...
not what you are like.
Books, records, fi lms... These things matter.
Call me shallow. ltīs the fuckinī truth.
And by this measure, I was having one ofthe best dates of my life.
- You love that show? - Yes!
Starring, um... Starring, um... Who starred in The Prisoner?
- McGoohan. - Patrick McGoohan. - Thatīs right!
And then we talk about our exes.
Sheīs dry and self-deprecating.
Great sense of humour about it, and I can really see why her songs are so good.
- I guess sheīs happy with him. - I donīt speak about Laura with as much depth.
But it feels, even to me, like I'm being intimate.
I express regret. l say nice things about her...
and I hint at a deep ocean of melancholy just below the surface...
which is all bullshit really.
I'vejust invented a sketch ofa decent, sensitive guy...
because I'm in the position to invent him.
And I guess all that charming, nervous stuff seems to work somehow...
because we get back to her house and...
Throwmysuitcase out there too
itjust happens.
- Throwmy covers out the door - And then we make love. ltīs great.
- ldonīt needthem any more - And thatīs it. I'm not gonna go into all that other stuff.
You know, the who-did-what-to-whom stuff.
You know that song "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich?
Itīs one of my favourite songs.
- I can say we had a good time. l can say that. - Shouldlhave left this town
Marieīs a terrific woman.
But it wasmore than lcoulddo
And then in the morning...
You didnīt have me fooled...
acting all cool about, um, whatīs-her-name.
- Laura. - Laura, right, right. Laura.
- What was yours called again? - lt was called James.
- James. - James.
Do you miss him?
Yeah. Thatīs how it works, right?
I think itīs okay ifyou feel horny and fucked up at the same time.
I mean, why should we be denied our basic human rights...
just'cause we messed up our relationships?
You think sex is a basic human right?
Hell, yeah! Yeah.
I'm not gonna let that asshole come between me and a fuck.
- Which way are you going? - That way. You?
- That way. - Ah, so it is.
- Talk to ya. - I'll call you.
Right.
What did Laura mean last night when she said, "l havenīt slept with him yet"?
Yet! What does "yet" mean anyway?
It means youīre gonna do it, doesnīt it? Or does it?
Just come on. What would it mean to you, that sentence:
"l havenīt seen EvilDeadll yet"?
Well, to me it would mean that youīre a liar. Youīve seen it twice.
Once with Laura... oops... and once with me and Dick, remember?
We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammo off-screen in the 1 4th century.
Right. All right, but letīs just say that I hadnīt seen it...
and I said to you, "l havenīt seen Evil Deadll yet," what would you think?
I'd think that youīre a cinematic idiot, and I'd feel sorry foryou.
All right. But from that one sentence, would you think that l was going to see it?
I'm sorry, Rob. I'm struggling here.
Youīre asking me what would I think ifyou told me...
you hadnīt seen a fi lm that you have already seen.
- What am I supposed to say? -Just listen to me. lf I said to you...
"l havenīt seen EvilDeadll yet," yes.
Would you get the impression that I really wanted to see it?
Oh, uh, well...
you couldnīt have been desperate to see it, otherwise youīd have already gone.
Right. I'm not gonna see that movie.
But the word "yet". Yeah, you know what?
I get the impression that you wanted to see it...
otherwise youīd have said you didnīt want to go.
But in your opinion, would I defi nitely go?
How the fuck am I supposed to know? Probably.
- Why? - Because itīs a brilliant fi lm.
Itīs so funny and violent, and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.
I never thought I'd say this, but can I go work now?
Look, Laura, ifyou donīt want me to call you at work, then give me your home number.
Oh, I forgot. You canīt.
I'm not gonna get off this phone until you agree to meet me for a drink.
I mean, I'm sorry, but I donītjust see why this has to be on your terms...
all the time. - Okay.
- I mean, really. - Okay! Okay. Weīll meet then tonight.
Thatīd... Thatīd be great if youīre not too busy. ltīll be really good to...
see you.
So how are you?
Have you slept with him yet?
- ls that why you wanted to see me? - I guess.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to say you havenīt, and I want that to be the truth.
I canīt do that.
Say a wordforJimmy Brown
He ain't got nothin'at all
You must have known it would happen. You couldnīt have been entirely unprepared.
Like you said, I've been living with the guy. We were bound to get around to it sometime.
Rob, are you there? What are you thinking?
We can meet for another drink ifyou want.
So I can explain it better. l owe you that much.
I donīt have your number.
You know, ldonīt want this to be the last conversation we have. lknow whatyouīre like.
You do, huh?
I need a second opinion.
Hi, this is Tim. City andstate, please.
Uh, Chicago. A residence. Mr lan Raymond.
- Please holdforthat number. - May I also have that address?
- Certainly. - Thankyou.
- Rob? - Laura, I just want to say something.
I think youīre running. Youīre running from a, a sharp point...
that anybody hits in any relationship, anditīs just gonna happen again.
But itīsgonna be with thisguy lan, later, whenyouīre older.
Allright? With a guy with a Steven Seagal pony tail.
You know what I'm saying? And he doesn't love you.
And he doesn't understand you, not the way I will.
And I will even more so in the future. And...
I mean, ifyou want to experiment or whatever...
I'm not experimenting. Why donīt you go experiment?
- Laura, are you okay? - Uh, yeah, I'm fi ne.
- ls that him? - Look, canyou... Canyou callme at work?lgottago now.
- You look upset. - Yeah, I'm... I'm upset...
but I'm fi ne.
- Maybe I should talk to him. - No, I donīt think thatīs a good idea.
- Conflict resolution is myjob. - Yeah, I know.
But... But, lan, thereīs really nothing to resolve, but thankyou.
You have got to stop calling her. Youīre really upsetting her and him!
- Like I care about him. - Well, you should.
- Why? - Because all youīre doing is forming a little unit. Them against you!
Before you started all this psychotic madness, there was no unit.
There wasjust three people in a mess.
But now theyīve got something in common.
And you donīt want to make anything worse.
How could it get any worse than Laura with lan?
- Come on, Liz. - Rob, Rob, Rob.
Can I askyou a question? And you can think about it ifyou want to.
Just what is it?
Why do you want Laura back so badly?
Rob, phone.
I was walking on the water when lsawa crocodile
Barry, that fucking pricerīs busted, and I'm not the one who broke it.
- Hello. - Rob?
Who is this?
Is this Ch... ls this Charlie?
Hi. I just got back into town.
Wow! Rob Gordon. The Rob Gordon.
So howareyou doing?Huh? Does it seem like millions ofyears ago?
Yeah, yeah. Like a billion, right?
So, uh... God, Charlie Nicholson. How are you?
I mean, do you have kids and stuff like everybody else?
No. No, I'm too young, too single. I donīt know.
Kids are too time-consuming, I guess, is the expression I'm looking for.
I'm not making this up. This is how she talks... as if nobody ever had...
a conversation about having kids in the entire history ofthe world.
Sheīs incredible.
So, anyway, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm sorry? - Well, you know... ldonīt know.
I just find these long-lost boyfriendcalls a little unnerving.
- Thereīs been a rash ofthem recently. - ls that right?
Yeah. Oh, rememberMarco? l went out with him afteryou.
- Kind of. - Kindof, yeah.
Well, he called a few months ago.
I think he was going through one ofthose what-does-it-all-mean kindofthings.
He wanted to see me and "rehash thepast", as theysay.
God. Was I up for that? No. No. So... I donīt know...
- Do allmengo through that? - I've never heard of it before.
I'm sorry, Charlie, but what does "Are you in or out" mean?
Well, it means, are we friends orarenīt we?
Because ifwe are, thatīs great. Thatīs great.
But ifweīre not, l donīt really want to spend time playing catch-up on the phone.
You know what lmean? I'mjust really busy, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Ofcourse.
- So, are you in or out, Rob? - I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.
Oh, yeah? Great. Doyou want to come fora dinnerparty tomorrownight?
Haveyou ever watcheda moonbeam
Can I help you?
-Asit slidacrossyour windowpane - Hello, Rob.
Remember me? Ray. lan.
I thought maybe we should talk. You know, sort things out.
- What needs sorting out? - Ten phone calls a night.
Hanging around outside my house.
- I've stopped all ofthat now. - You were there this morning.
Obviously, I know how special Laura is, and I know how...
much pain you must be going through right now.
I would hate it if I lost her.
Oh. Guess who?
But I'd like to believe that ifshe decided...
that she didnīt want to see me any more that...
I would respect those wishes.
You know what I'm saying, G?
- Yeah. - Good.
So shall we leave it at that then?
I've already left it, you pathetic rebound fuck!
Now, get your patchouli stink out of my store!
Move it, lard-ass!
Dumb motherfucker.
So, um, shall we leave it at that then?
- Tsk. No. - Donīt! Donīt!
- Heīs not worth it! - Leave town!
Leave the country! You little bitch!
īCause youīll look back at ten phone calls a night as the golden age!
Get ready, motherfucker!
So shall we leave it at that then?
Get him!
- Come on! Get him! - Get him, man!
- Haveyou ever watcheda moonbeam - Well, think about it, Rob.
Okay?
Asit slidacross your windowpane
Hey, jelly bean.
Charles.
- How are you? - Good. How are you?
Actually, itīs hilarious. ltīs hilarious.
Hey, everybody! Everybody, this is Rob.
Rob, this is everybody.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Come on in. Make yourselfat home. ls that for me? - Yeah.
- Oh, itīs a little warm. I'll put it in the fridge. - I think ifyou get a dog...
- youīve got to raise it yourself. - Your place doesnīt have a yard, does it?
- You got to deal with a dog from day one. - Ofcourse you do.
- You gotta take care of it, raise it... - Yeah, but...
- Do you want a drink? - Yeah, I would.
I can see now that I'm doomed to die...
a long, slow suffocating death, and I try to fi gure out why.
Ofcourse thereīs envy. Why isnīt my life like this?
Sure, I want their money and clothes and jobs and opinions.
And I'd like to have advice on jet lag, but thatīs not it.
I mean, theyīre not bad people, and I'm not a class warrior. ltīs something else.
- I never did. I never did. And I was very supportive... - And then it dawned on me.
- lt came down to me to tell him the truth. - Charlieīs awful.
What was the truth?
- She doesnīt listen to anyone. She says terrible, stupid things... - No. Well, I have...
- and she apparently has no sense of humour at all... - Youīre right. I have to talk...
and talks shit all night long.
- Come here, you. Oh, I love you. - Bye-bye. - Maybe sheīs been like this all along.
- Bye, sweetheart. - Bye-bye.
- Call me tomorrow, okay? - Thanks for having us.
Call me. Promise to call me. Bye.
How did I manage to edit all this out?
How had I made this girl the answer to all the worldīs problems?
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Rob.
So, Charlie, whyīd you dump me for Marco?
Fuck! I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- What? - You are. You are going through...
one ofthose what-does-it-all-mean things.
- I canīt believe you, Rob. - Yes, I am. Very much. lndeed so.
- Oh, God. - Come on. Answer the question.
Oh, come on, Charlie. Donīt hold back.
You can say whateveryou like.
Whyīd you dump me for Marco?
Marcojust seemed to be a bit more glamorous.
You know? More sure of himself.
Less hard work.
A little sunnier.
Sparkier.
Through thepark Make love along the way
- ln Mendocino - You put that ad up?
- Yeah. - What can you play?
Nothinī. What kind ofstuff are you into?
The kind ofstuffyou mentioned.
But we want to be more experimental than that.
We want to retain our pop sensibilities, but, kind of, you know, go a little further out.
- That sounds great. - No gigs yet.
Wejust got together. ls Tuesday night cool foryou?
- Weīll just, you know... - What lhave toldyou
-jam. - Yeah. - Canyou dig it
All right.
Later.
- What? - What do you mean, what?
Youīve had that poster up on the wall for, like, 1 7,000 years.
And then some guy comes in off the street. You act like itīs no big deal.
Itīsjust a garage band. ltīs nothing special.
- Barry, you donīt even play an instrument. - I can sing.
What, you think I'm gonna stick around here the rest of my life?
Hey, itīs half past a monkeyīs ass. Letīs go.
Oh, I canīt, um, meet you guys at the club tonight.
- Thatīs the way it is in Mendocino - Why?
- Who are you going to see? - Mendocino - Nobody.
- Rob! Lookie, lookie! Dick, are you getting some? - Mendocino
Un-fucking-believable!
Dickīs got a hot date! How did this happen, Dick?
What rational explanation can there possibly be? Whatīs her name?
- Anaugh. - Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?
- Anaugh Moss. - Anaugh Moss?
Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy?
And you met this bruiser where exactly?
The home for the mentally challenged or the blind or the bus station?
Um, here. She asked me about the, uh, new Green Day album...
- and then I told her... - Oh, man! Finally! Anaugh.
Thatīs great, Dick! Really, smoke that ass.
Listen, Rob, I canīt go to the club either.
I gotta get some lyrics down on paper.
Oh, yeah, me too. Well, not, uh, lyrics to get down.
But, um, uh... So I'll see you, um, tomorrow.
- Hi, Laura. - "Top five dream jobs".
- Hey, thatīs private. - "Number one:
"journalist for Rolling Stone magazine, 1976 to 1979.
"Get to meet the Clash, Chrissie Hynde, Sex Pistols, David Byrne.
"Get tons offree records. Number two:
"producer, Atlantic Records, 1964 to 1971.
Get to meet Aretha, Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke".
- More free records. - "More free records and a shitload of money".
- Yeah. - "Number three: any kind of musician".
Besides classical or rap.
- "Settle for being one ofthe Memphis Horns or something". - Sure.
- "I'm not asking to beJagger or Hendrix or Otis Redding". - Uh-huh.
- "Number four: film director". - Any kind except German or silent.
And number five, we have "architect".
- Yeah. - Seven yearsī training.
- I'm not sure I even want to be an architect. - So youīve got a list here...
offive things youīd do ifqualifications...
and time and history and salary were no object?
- Yeah. - One ofthem you donīt really want to do anyway.
Well, I did put it at number five.
Wouldnīt you rather own your own record store than be an architect?
- Yeah, I suppose. - And you wouldnīt want to be a...
1 6th-century explorer or the king of France or...
- God, no. - All right. There you go then.
Dream job number five: record store owner.
I find it interesting that you keep showing up here, Laura.
Well, this is the last of it.
Those bags look heavy. Whereīs lan?
Or Ray or... What is his fucking name anyway?
- What do you call him? lan or Ray? - Ray.
- I hate lan. - I hate him too.
Yeah, I'm sure.
See ya.
Goodbye.
Top five things l miss about Laura.
One: sense of humour. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving.
And sheīs got one ofthe best all-time laughs in the history ofall-time laughs.
She laughs with her entire body.
Two: Sheīs got character.
Or at least she had character before the lan nightmare.
Sheīs loyal and honest and...
she doesnīt even take it out on people when sheīs having a bad day.
Thatīs character.
Three:
I miss her smell...
and the way she tastes.
Itīs a mystery of human chemistry, and I donīt understand it.
Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just feel like home.
I really dig how she walks around.
Itīs like she doesnīt care how she looks or what she projects.
And itīs not that she doesnīt care, itīsjust... Sheīs not affected, I guess.
And that gives her grace.
And five: She does this thing in bed when she canīt get to sleep.
She kind of half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number oftimes.
Itjust kills me.
Believe me, I mean, l could do a top-five-things about her that drive me crazy...
but itīsjust your garden variety women, you know, schizo stuff...
and thatīs the kind ofthinking that got me here.
- Look out! - Damn! You maggots!
Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!
- Youīre pretty when youīre angry. - Shit!
- Hey, Rob, Laura called. - Really?
Whatyougonna do
The manīsgone out togetyou
Howyougonna know
- What is this? - ltīs Vince and Justin.
- Whoīs Vince and Justin? - ltīs those little skate fuckers.
- No way. - Way.
Itīs really...
Itīs really fuckinī good.
Hey, do you guys know Vince and Justin, the guys that come in my store?
- Yeah, theyīre right over there, man. - Thanks. - No problem.
- Quit smoking. I'm telling you should... - Hey! Your tape.
- ltīs good. - I know. We made it. - ltīs all right. Thankyou.
I mean, itīs rough, but, unbelievably, it shows promise.
I'll put out your record.
Any profits we split down the middle after I recoup expenses, okay?
Recoup expenses? Man, youīre gonna recoup a big, fat Mercedes is what youīre gonna do.
- Weīre not there yet,Justin. - I'm Vince.
Whatever. Whatīs the name ofyour band?
- Uh, the Kinky Wizards. - Nice.
Whatīs the name ofyour label?
Top Five Records.
What was that? You just told them youīre gonna put out a record with them?
Yeah. So what? You said yourselfthose guys were good. What are you getting hot about?
Well, itjust seems that you think it would be wiser to start a record label...
by putting out a record with business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters...
than with someone you know in your bitter, jealous heart is a musical visionary, thatīs all.
Yeah, what do your songs sound like? Sex Pistols? Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?
You know what? You wouldnīt be familiar with our immediate influences.
- Try me. - Theyīre mostly German. - Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?
Hey. You called?
Fuckinī asshole.
- Laura, are you all right? - My dad...
My dad died.
- Whatīs up? - Lauraīs dad died.
Oh, drag.
I'm sorry, Rob.
Hey, top five songs about death.
A Lauraīs dad tribute list.
Okay? Okay.
"Leader OfThe Pack".
The guy fuckinī beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right?
"Dead Manīs Curve". Jan and Dean.
Do you know that right after they recorded that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his...
- lt was Dean, you fuckinī idiot. - lt wasJan.
- lt was a long time after the song... - Okay, whatever.
"Tell Laura I Love Her". That would bring the house down.
Lauraīs mom could sing it.
- You know what I'd want? - Huh?
"One Step Beyond" by Madness.
No, no, no, no, no. Wh-When are you going home?
In a minute, when I get it together.
And, uh, "You Canīt Always Get What You Want".
No, immediate disqualification because of its involvement with The Big Chill.
Oh, God, youīre right.
Um, Mom wants you to come to the funeral.
- Oh. Me? - Yeah,'cause my dad really likedyou, and...
Mom never told him weīd split, because he wasnīt up to it.
"Wreck OfThe EdmundFitzgerald. " Uh, Gordon Lightfoot.
Bastard. Thatīs so good. That should have been mine.
Do you, uh... Do you want me there?
I donīt care, as long as you donīt expect me to hold your hand.
- ls Ray going? - No!
The night Laura's daddy died
Sha-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-na-na
Brother, what a night it really was
Mother, what a night it really... Anginaīs tough
Glorybe
Brother, what a night it really was
Brother, what a night Anginaīs tough...
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...
- on Earth as it is in heaven. - Songs at my funeral:
- Bless this day... - "Many Rivers To Cross" byJimmy Cliff.
"Angel" by Aretha Franklin...
and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful, tearful woman will insist on...
"Youīre The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight.
- But who would that woman be? - Amen.
- Hey,Jo. - Hi, Liz. - Hey.
- How are you doing? - I'm all right, I suppose.
Momīs not too bad. But Laura... I donīt know.
Yeah, well, sheīs had a rough time of it already without this.
Itīsjust so hard when you put all ofyour efforts into one area ofyour life...
and it doesnīt work out.
Donīt mind me. Really. ltīs no problem. Just pretend like youīre talking about someone else. ltīs okay.
Well, in fact, we are talking about someone else. Weīre talking about Laura.
- Oh. - Oh?
Donīt fuckinī say "oh" like that to me, Liz.
I'm really sorry,Jo. Look, l can either stick up for myself...
or I can believe everything you say about me and end up hating myself.
But thatīs not much ofa life, is it? Huh?
- I mean... - Do you think this is really the time to be talking about...
Just because itīs never the time, Liz? l canīt go on apologizing my whole life.
I thinkjust the once would do!
- I'm very sorry, Laura. - Thanks for coming.
I'm so sorry, Laura.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Iaura, I'm sorry.
Most ofthe time
I'm clear-focusedallaround
Most ofthe time
Ican keep both feet on theground
Ican followthepath
Ican readthesign
Stay right with it when the roadunwinds
Ican handle whatever
Istumble upon
Idonīt even noticesheīsgone
- I can see now I never really committed to Laura. - Most ofthe time
I always had one foot out the door...
and that prevented me from doing a lot ofthings...
like thinking about my future and...
- I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing. - Most ofthe time
- Keep my options open. - ltīs well understood
- And thatīs suicide. - Most ofthe time
- By tiny, tiny increments. - I wouldn't change it iflcould
Ican make it allmatch up
Ican holdmy own
Ican deal with thesituation
Right down to the bone
Ican survive andlcan endure
Hell, ldonīt even think
About her
Most ofthe time
Are you gonna lie in that flower bed all night?
No.
- Youīre soaking. - Yeah.
Youīre also an idiot.
- Look, Laura, I'm really sorry. - Thankyou. I appreciate it.
Why donīt you just get back, and I'm just gonna wait here for the bus.
No, I donīt want to be there. When I saw you leave, l used it as an excuse to get out.
- ls there anything I can do? - Come on.
- Where? - I'll show you. Letīs go.
Right.
Dad used to bring us here when we were kids.
Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me?
īCause I want to feel something else than this.
Itīs either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fi re.
Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
No. I only have a few left. I've been saving them for later.
Right. ltīll have to be sex then.
Right. Right.
I knew there was a reason l wore a skirt today.
-Just stay there. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
It doesnīt seem so long ago that I looked at you from here.
Hey, go be with your mom.
I'm too tired.
I'm too tired not to be with you.
Well, so ifyou had a bit more energy, weīd stay split up?
But things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you wanna get back together?
- ls that it? - Yeah.
What about lan?
Well, Rayīs a disaster.
Iook...
I know itīs not very romantic, Rob.
But there will be romance again at some stage, I'm sure. l...
- I just... - So thatīs it?
Well, youīve made it clear you want me back, so...
Look, um, we can talk about it later if-ifyou want to.
Right now, l... I just...
Right now, I just want to go home with you.
Okay.
So, yeah.
And so we got back together, and it was great.
She moved all her stuff back in, all at once.
- So when exactly did you decide to get back with me exactly? - I'm not telling you.
- See, thatīs not... not a nice way to play at all. Thatīs not... - The betteryou look
- We went out to dinner every night. - The more I wantyou
What else?
- Whenyou turn onyoursmile - We stayed in and made love all the time.
- lfeelmy heartgo wild - We talked about the future.
- lmportant stuff. lssues. - I'm like a child with
-A brandnewtoy - How can you like Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye?
Thatīs like saying you support the lsraelis and the Palestinians.
No, itīs not like saying that at all actually, Rob.
Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.
Made. Made. Marvin Gayeīs dead. His father shot him.
You could say it was everything l ever wanted really.
- Marvin Gaye! - I know.
"Letīs Get lt On". Thatīs our song!
Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship.
Oh, is that so? I'd like a word with him then.
It was everything l ever wanted...
except for some fuckinī reason...
this...
Excuse me. ls this Stereolab?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I havenīt heard this one. ltīs really good.
Yeah, I know.
- Are you Bob? - Rob.
Oh, right. Yeah, Rob. You used to deejay.
I used to go to the Doubledoor to hearyou spin.
You were unbelievable.
- Really? - I'm Caroline.
Hi.
- What do you do? - I work for the Reader. l write a music column.
Youīre Caroline Fortis? l read your column.
- ltīs great. You really know what youīre talking about. - Thanks.
- Rob, phone. - Can you take a message?
Itīs your girlfriend.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, what the fuck is this?
- Talk to your woman. - lt was her idea.
Crumbsbusted Pass thepopcorn aslkick...
Laura!
"Dance music for old people"?
Itīs an idea I had when I was with, um, lan...
and I thought it was such a good one that I was really annoyed we werenīt together any more.
- lt may be why I came back. - A record release party?
What if I was doing something that canīt be cancelled?
- Rob, what are you ever doing that canīt be cancelled? - Thatīs not the point!
- The single cannot be done in time. l mean, thereīs a million things! - ltīll be done.
Oh, guess what. Barry said his band will play a set.
Barry is playing at this thing?
Fucking, what are you... Are you insane?
- Barry, I'll give... I'll give you ten percent ofthe door ifyou donīt play. - No!
Rob, weīre getting that anyway.
- Twenty. Twenty percent. - No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.
A hundred and ten percent. Thatīs how much it means to me not to hearyou play.
- Rob, weīre called Sonic Death Monkey. - Sonic Death Monkey?
Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends canīt handle it, fuck them.
Let'em riot. Weīre Sonic fucking Death Monkey.
Let me get this straight. We made the CD with you.
Now your friends and your girlfriend are throwing some kind ofcelebration party or something...
and youīre asking us not to come to the party?
Exactly.
I donīt know, dude. Thatjust seems kind ofstupid.
Itīsjust the whole thing isjust blown way out of proportion.
Itīsjust a three-song CD. ltīs a single.
Itīsjust... ltīs not a big deal.
Itīsjust that youīre making something.
You, the critic, the professional appreciator...
put something new into the world...
and the second one ofthose things gets sold to someone, youīre officially a part of it.
Congratulations, Rob.
You know, I guess I think I've always been a professional critic...
you know, or some sort of professional appreciator or something.
And I just wanted to, you know, do something new...
put something new out into the world...
you know, kind of really put my money where my mouth is.
Yeah. Wow. I would... You know, l wouldlove to hearthem.
- Why donīt I send it over to you when itīs, uh, done? - Really?
- I will look forward to that. - I will look forward to sending it.
- You know, we should get back to the interview. - Sure, yeah.
Okay. What are your all-time top five favourite records?
In a club or at home?
Listen. I'll tell you what. Why donīt I just make you a tape?
Now, the making ofa good compilation tape is a very subtle art.
Many doīs and donīts.
First ofall, youīre using someone elseīs poetry to express how you feel.
This is a delicate thing.
So, for this one, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking...
When is this gonna stop?
Whenīs what gonna stop?
Uh, nothinī.
Whoīs the tape for?
Just some girl who interviewed me for the Reader.
So what am I gonna do now? Just keep jumping from rock to rock...
for the rest of my life until there arenīt any rocks left?
Should I bolt every time l get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new?
I've been thinking with my gut since I was 1 4 years old...
and, frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.
Hi. A drinking lunch on a school day.
Thatīs a nice surprise.
- Are you nervous about tomorrow night? - Not really, no.
Well, um, are you gonna talk to me, or shall I get my paper out?
- No, no, I'm gonna talk to you. - Great. What are you gonna talk to me about?
Um, I'm gonna talk to you about whether or not...
you want to get married to me.
- I'm serious. - Yes, I know.
Well, thanks a fucking bunch.
I'm sorry, but two days ago you were making tapes...
- for that girl from The Reader. - Yeah.
Well, forgive me if I donīt think ofyou as the worldīs safest bet.
Would you marry me if I was?
- What brought all this on? - I donīt know.
- I'm just sick ofthinking about it all the time. - About what?
This stuff. Love and settling down and marriage, you know?
I want to think about something else.
I changed my mind.
Thatīs the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
- I do. I will. -Just shut up, please.
I'm trying to explain, okay?
That other girl, or other women, whatever...
I mean, I was thinking that theyīrejust fantasies.
You know? And they always seem really great...
because thereīs never any problems.
And ifthere are, theyīre cute problems like...
you know, we bought each other the same Christmas present...
or she wants to go see a movie that I've already seen, you know?
And then I come home, and you and I have real problems...
and you donīt even want to see the movie I want to see, period.
- Thereīs no lingerie and... - I have lingerie.
Yes, you do. You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear...
thatīs been washed a thousand times, and itīs hanging on the thing and...
A-And they have it too. ltīsjust I donīt have to see it because itīs not in the fantasy.
Do you understand?
I'm tired ofthe fantasy...
because it doesnīt really exist.
And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
- Delivers? - Delivers.
Right. And I'm tired of it.
And I'm tired ofeverything else, for that matter.
But I donīt ever seem to get tired ofyou.
So...
I think I know what you mean.
But were you really expecting me to say yes?
I donīt know. l didnīt think about it really.
I thought asking was the important part.
Well, youīve asked. Thankyou.
-All right! -Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.
That wasjust a little bit of "l Sold My Momīs Wheelchair..".
the title track from the album ofsame name...
the record weīre having this record release party for.
The two burgeoning criminals behind this opus are standing by the bar.
Theyīre underage, and weīll lose our liquor license...
But weīll get to them in a moment.
First, I have to introduce a band, so please donīt leave...
until after they fi nish and we play the record.
Right now, itīs my great, great pleasure...
to introduce Sonic Death Monkey.
I'm an idiot. I shouldīve played the whole album fi rst.
- These people are gonna burn the place down. - No, no, itīs gonna be fi ne.
Itīs gonna be fi ne. These people are ready for anything.
- ltīs gonna be fi ne. Watch. - Thankyou.
Youīre too kind. Rob, thankyou for the enthusiastic intro...
but weīre no longer called Sonic Death Monkey.
Uh, weīre on the verge of being called, uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive.
However, this evening we will be BarryJive...
and the Uptown Five.
Ibeen really tryin', baby
To hold on to this feeling
Forso long
Andifyou feel
Like lfeel, sugar, come on
Ohhh, come on, oooh
Letīsget it on
Letīs love, sugar
Letīsget it on
Sugar
Letīsget it on
Whoo-ooh-ooh
We are allsensitivepeople
With so much togive
Understanding, sugar
Since we got to be
Letīs live
Iloveyou
Thereīs nothin' wrong
With me lovingyou
Andgivingyourselfto me
Couldneverbe wrong
Ifthe love is true, oh, baby
Donītyou know howsweet and wonderful
- Life can be - The making ofa great compilation tape...
like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem.
You gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention.
Then you gotta take it up a notch, but you donīt want to blow your wad.
So then you gotta cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules.
Anyway, I've started to make a tape...
- Hereīs thesongs that meet ourears - in my head for Laura.
-Andsights oureyes behold - Full ofstuff sheīd like.
Full ofstuff thatīd make her happy.
Weīll open up ourmerging hearts
- For the fi rst time, l can sort ofsee how thatīs done. -Andsee ouremptysouls
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever
Ibelieve when lfallin love
This time it willbe forever
Without despair
We willshare
Andthejoys ofcaring
Willnot be replaced
What hasbeen
Must neverend
And with thestrength we have
Wonīt be erased
When the truth oflove areplannedandfirm
They wonīt be hard to find
Andthe words oflove lspeak toyou
Will echo in my mind
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever
Ibelieve when lfallin love this time
It willbe forever, ever
Ever, ever, ever, ever
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever, ever, ever
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever, ever
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever
Ibelieve when lfallin love withyou
It willbe forever
- Godanswered - lbelieve when lfallin love
- Myprayer - Withyou it willbe forever
- Godansweredmyprayer - lbelieve when lfallin love withyou
- lt willbe forever - Oh, baby
Well, ljustgot out my little redbook
The minute thatyousaidgoodbye
Ithumbedright through my little redbook
I wasn't gonna sit andcry
Andl went fromA toZ
Itook out everyprettygirlin town
They danced with me andaslheld them
Allldid was talk aboutyou
Hearyourname andI'dstart to cry
Thereīsjust nogetting overyou
Oh, no
There ain't nogirl in my little redbook
Who could everreplaceyourcharms
Andeachgirlin my little redbook
Knowsyouīre the one I'm thinking of
Oh, wonītyouplease come back
Withoutyourprecious love lcanīt go on
Where can love be, lneedyouso much
Allldid was talk, talk aboutyou
Hearyourname andI'dstart to cry
Thereīsjust nogetting overyou
Oh, no
Oh, wonīt you please come back
Without your precious love l canīt go on
Itīs haunting me, l need you so much
Allldid was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and I'dstart to cry
Thereīsjust no getting over you
Allldid was talk, talk aboutyou
Hear your name and, oh, I'd start to cry
Thereīs just no getting over you
Oh, no