Ripped by Bosman (ICQ 19678111)
Long ago the Duke of Milan commissioned a little-known artist -
- to erect a mammoth statue of a horse.
The time was 1481. The artist was Leonardo da Vinci.
The guy on the donkey is just a guy on a donkey.
Anyway, they called this statue the Sforza.
And it was gonna be the largest bronze statue ever built.
But wouldn't you know it, war broke out and bronze became scarce.
So da Vinci created a machine to change common lead into bronze.
But when da Vinci finally turned this machine on, -
- it was to give him something more than he expected ...
- Something much more than bronze. - Leonardo, what are you doing?
Gold!
Bring the crystal.
Maestro, come quickly.
Hello.
Very nice.
I don't think this is a good idea.
- Ready. - Good! Let's see it work.
No! Wait!
Exactly 500 years later, an artist in the field of cat burglary -
- was getting out of Sing Sing.
He was known as the Hudson Hawk.
Got a coat. Hat. Here's your personal items.
Here's your wallet. Everything's in there.
- Don't you want your receipt? - Keep it.
I've got it, Charlie ... Eddie!
So the Hudson Hawk is getting out. Remember your capture?
"The world's greatest cat burglar." Now who gives a fuck?
- I've got a proposition for you. - No.
As your parole officer, I've found you a job.
An auction house. One night's work and you're free.
- No community service. - I want to do community service.
- I ain't stealing no more, Gates. - You still impress yourself.
- But guys like you are extinct. - That's good coming from you.
Aren't you supposed to stop me from committing crimes?
I can set you up and send you back here any time I want.
It's a very fine line between ex-con and escaped con.
Hey, Gates ... do it yourself.
He's got my keys! I'll be seeing you, Hawk.
Open the gate.
See you around, Mike.
That's the first thing I did. Taste the freedom.
- So, Eddie, did I miss anything? - As always, your timing is perfect.
Where's the kiss? No tongue this time, I promise.
- What? - You've been expanding ...
Don't say it! I'm very sensitive about my figure.
I was going to say consciousness ... Tubbo.
Now you're out, what do you want to do? Entertain some ladies?
Play Nintendo? Bone some chicks?
What's Nintendo? Just get me to the Five Tone, Tommy.
- I've got to get a cappuccino. - You still like those fag coffees.
- Who's your buddy? - The man knows!
- Did you have any trouble leaving? - Not much.
Gates just tried to blackmail me into doing a job.
That rat bastard!
- It had the perfect amount of foam. - Let's get to the bar.
- Rob an auction house? - Yes. Are you going deaf?
- I'm not going deaf. - Just get me into Five Tone.
Don't make fun of my hearing. You're going to love the bar.
The Five Tone Bar and Grill. At least one thing will never ...
A couple of brokers stopped in for spritzers one night.
Now we're a nice local bar that none of the locals can afford.
- Where's all the regulars? - Gone.
Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph? And Captain Bob's steering wheel?
Gone. But look at the bright side, half this joint is yours.
Give my partner a cappuccino. I've got to go be a boss.
Goat-cheese pizza?
Thank you, Jesus!
Cute shot, Antony. Cesar Mario. Antony Mario.
- The circus clowns. - Why not do the auction house?
I don't like to commit a crime 24 hours after leaving the joint.
It's very simple. The safe's on the 7th floor. Put the stuff in here.
- Easy. Your brother could do it. - Yeah, I could ...
Hawk, you're the best. Only you can do this job.
Don't tell me you want to go straight.
If the Mario brothers weren't a tough New Jersey crime family, -
- I'd say kiss my ass. You can just slurp my butt.
- Wine for you lovely ladies? - Beat it, Tommy.
Enough!
You don't do that auction house job, I'm going to put you on trial.
And there'll be no bailiff. Understand?
Get him out of here.
- "Witchcraft" ... "Night and Day". - Sinatra. 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
- "Hit the Road, Jack." - Where are my pliers?
- Check the bar. - 5 minutes, 15 seconds.
How could you take down Captain Bob's steering wheel?
Don't you remember the night he came in with this thing?
Come here. We've got a nasty little safe on the 7th floor.
- Simpson? What's the mechanism? - 71 .
The last time I went to bat, Simpson only made a 40.
But I'm not worried about the safe, it's the guards.
- And the video surveillance. - I have a plan.
- It's a great plan. - What the hell am I doing?
I'm getting ready to rob some horse with you.
I should be looking in the want ads for a job.
We're moving too fast. I'm putting out fire with kerosene.
- What's that? - 5 seconds. My record's 18.
You think this is some kind of fucking joke.
How many seconds ... on the thumb cuffs?
Not counting the bitching and whining, I'll say eight.
- They will make you do this job. - There goes my rehabilitation.
- You think you've still got it? - Yes ... that's what I'm afraid of.
- "l Only Have Eyes for You." - I didn't know you cared.
- 3 minutes, 22 seconds. - "Xanadu."
- 4 minutes, 19 seconds. - "Star Spangled Banner."
- Hi ... 7 minutes, 17 seconds. - You're full of shit!
- I should be out getting laid. - Come on, it's showtime.
This sign says no horseplay in the pool area.
This isn't horseplay, it's a major felony.
Come on, Grandpa.
Give me one good reason why we're up here.
I can give you two: Antony Mario and Cesar Mario.
They'll cut off our balls if we don't do the job.
Have you had dinner tonight? This rope only holds 900 pounds.
- Stop fooling around! - I'm not fooling around.
- Pick me up! - All right.
I wish you'd lay off the pasta.
What are you doing?
Covering our tracks. We leave through the basement.
- What? - I'd better make a bigger hole.
Don't worry, I'm wearing my girdle.
673 Wongs in the phone book.
That's a lot of Wong numbers. Look up Chin.
- Have you got a key? - No.
Just checking.
- They record everything here. - I can see that.
I thought you said you had a plan.
Jerry, check out Big Stan.
Watch this.
Big Stan!
We'll rewind and replay. The guards will be watching a rerun.
- They'll miss tonight's episode. - Good plan, junior.
- We've got about five minutes. - 5:32. "Swingin' on a Star."
They invented something while you were inside. It's called a watch.
One, two ...
- You got the horse head? - I just got out of jail.
I don't get it. There's that little blue chair.
- All I wanted was a cappuccino. - Snap out of it!
- Check out screen two. - Hey, that's us.
The recorders!
- I hold you responsible. - Let's take it home!
- Take the back way. - Keep those ideas coming.
Come on!
- Go! Go! - Come on.
I'm glad we covered our tracks!
I'm not as fat as that guard, am l?
You're slender compared to him.
Come on, Slim Jim.
- Hawk gets the chair of honor! - Good job. Not pretty, but good.
All this trouble for a horse.
I may not know art, but I know what I like.
When is this Buckingham Palace motherfucker getting here?
Any minute now, Mr. Gates.
- Sorry, Jeeves. - May l?
Exquisite! Leonardo da Vinci's last commission for the Duke of Milan.
- Irreplaceable. - Hey, Mr. French ...
Yes!
I stuck my neck out getting this for you Limey bastards.
Where's my cut?
So much for his cut.
Forgive my dry British humor.
I think Gates promised Hawk a cut, too.
- Are you taking the Concorde back? - Always.
I collect the frequent-flyer points.
Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.
- Yo, Five-Tone. - Did I miss anything?
You always ask me that. Gates just got himself killed.
I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theatre and asked her that.
- You should get this looked at. - Gates was killed?
The Butler did it. He took Mr. Ed and busted it over Gates' head.
He said it was made by Leonardo da Vinci.
I consider it to be the prize of tonight's equestrian auction.
- Horse things. - All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.
Morning edition. It says two thieves attempted to steal it.
But three brave guards saved it.
Attempted? I didn't want to steal it, but I do have my pride.
- I don't understand. - Forget it.
I'm tired of this. Cops, mafia, butlers ...
Stealing things that aren't stolen. It's all too goddamn peculiar.
How much does a new tuxedo cost?
A fine example of Florentine bronze. Who will start at $140,000?
140,000 ... 160,000 ...
200 ... 20 ... 40 ...
250,000!
250,000 ... 60 ... 70 ... 80 ...
90 ... 300,000 ... 310 ... Sold!
After all these years, I still get goose bumps at these auctions.
The paintings, the sculptures ... and other things.
Pretentious vultures who never even look at what they're buying.
- Auctions are disgusting. - I couldn't agree more. Savages!
Lot 15 ...
An equestrian piece attributed to the Cellini school.
Who will start at $250,000?
280,000. Thank you, sir. 320 ... 340 ...
No more on 340,000? Sold once, twice ... Sold!
And finally, lot number 17.
Thought to be lost in the war ... and again last night.
The da Vinci Sforza. The jewel of the sale. Fantastic.
Is looking like a constipated warthog part of the job here?
... Dr. Anna Baralgi of the Vatican.
Some of us warthogs are more constipated than others.
Perfection! The Vatican extends its jealousy to the lucky bidder.
Thank you, Doctor. We'll begin at $20 million.
- Thank you, sir. 20.5 ... - Waldo!
100 million clams!
$100 million to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
100 million and one, Waldo!
Fantastic! $100 million and one.
- Outbid by mine own wench! - Don't hate me, baby.
Any other bids? Going once ...
Going twice ...
Gone!
- You didn't have to do that. - It was nothing.
No, you didn't have to tackle me and rip my dress.
Just kidding. Thanks for saving me.
- Why was that guard chasing you? - Because danger is my middle ...
- Why couldn't you just play along? - Classy way of covering our tracks.
That auctioneer ought to be landing at La Guardia soon.
Subtlety is not one of our strong points.
Get the fuck out!
Menthol!
This is a brand new tuxedo.
Mister, are you gonna die?
Happy sailing, Hawk.
How am I driving? Call 1 -800-l'm-Gonna-Fuckin'-Die!
Toll booth!
Exact change!
- Make a road kill. - Up yours, Cesar!
Cesar! Antony!
Are you okay?
MY NAM E IS KIT KAT
- What's the matter with you? - The name's Snickers.
Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. It's better than when we signed up.
Our code names were diseases. I was called Chlamydia for a year.
- My name's Butterfinger. - No shit.
You like the company's new look? I call them the MTV. I .A.
George, you promised no old CIA, new CIA jokes.
Punks! They think the Cold War has something to do with penguins.
- Don't I know you? - Yes. I was bald, with a beard.
- Don't you recognize me? - My high school science teacher?
I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation.
George Kaplan.
- I'm not the type to hold a grudge. - I needed you as a diversion.
I guess I was just jealous. You were one hell of a thief.
- Why the reunion? - I want to make it up to you.
To quote the late Karen Carpenter: "We've only just begun."
3 minutes, 4 seconds. You're a little late.
- I quit stealing. - My employer wants a meeting.
- Your employer? The President? - No. Somebody powerful.
- Good God! What's that? - I'm not falling for that old gag.
- Shucks, I guess not. - Now?
Yes, now.
- No way. - Welcome to Rome, sir.
So Hawk ... what do you think of the vehicle?
Why did you duck at the auction house?
What can I say? I'm the villain. Initially I wasn't sure we'd meet, -
- but then I thought, what the heck. You come highly recommended.
Kaplan and the Mario brothers were hired to find me a cat burglar.
I've got the power!
Ladies and gentlemen of the board and Minerva! Here's Hudson Hawk!
Minerva!
Hello. Bunny, ball.
Hawk, we've got you clothes, a great hotel and 250,000 lira per day.
That's $200 a day. Veto, Darwin.
I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
Somebody chain this convict up.
This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular joe.
I just want to be happy. And that comes from achieving goals.
But when you've made your first billion by the age of 19, -
- it's hard to find new ones. But finally, I've got a new goal:
World domination!
Shut up! Bunny, quit that.
- Bunny, ball. - Bunny's got today's balls.
- Bad Bunny. - Bunny, you weren't that bad.
Concorde me back home, folks. Put me in jail. I don't care.
You go back to jail and you won't be alone.
You'll have a guinea barkeep cellmate to keep you company.
You're young enough to still enjoy shanking child molesters ...
But Tommy Five-Tone will only get out to attend his own funeral.
Depressing?
- You don't have any proof. - The magic word.
It's veja du. Something you wish never happened.
Kaplan's CIA candy bars shot the entire operation.
They put the fake horse in the safe while you were escaping.
- Yikes! - Damn Fotomat assholes!
- It's a good shot of you, Minerva. - You're going to hit a church.
We want you to steal da Vinci's sketchbook. The Codex.
The Vatican. I'm robbing the freakin' Vatican.
The nuns at St. Agnes predicted this.
What do they call you guys? lg and Ook?
- Hey. - Buon giorno.
I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican.
- I don't ... - Just keep an eye on all the art.
Courtney, stop it.
Leonardo was a painter and an inventor.
He drew together science and art ... that is most incredible.
Tough guy ... what are you doing here?
Everytime I get around you my heart starts beating really fast.
The da Vinci Codex is here in the Vatican.
- And that's where it will stay. - That's what you think.
When are you done?
He predicted the airplane, the submarine, the bicycle, -
- the helicopter and even the tank.
- These more dangerous designs ... - Pokey!
- Something wrong? - Come with me.
- Is that smoke bad for you? - This way. Through here.
Who are you going to blame for what you did back there?
The elephant.
- What is this? - A postal subway.
- Can I get to Times Square? - The Pope takes his mail seriously.
- He delivers up to ten at night. - I see.
Actually, I don't see. What do you do?
I do a lot of things, but I don't steal stuffed elephants.
- My life's pretty boring. - Yeah. Mine, too.
You want to have dinner with me tonight? A nice boring dinner.
- Anecdotes about dead Italians. - I'll bring my entire repertoire.
- I'll bring my entourage. - Enzo's around the corner. 10:30?
10:30. Hey, thanks.
- Father, he's up to something. - Report upstairs at once.
- Did he mention the Mayflowers? - No, but he's after the Codex.
The vanity of this man Hudson Hawk.
The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists.
We won't lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.
And ... must you flirt with him so effectively?
- That's the only way. - You work for our organization.
You're put in awkward situations. Hudson Hawk is an evil man.
Operator, I'd like to call overseas to a New York number.
Thank you for calling AT&T.
Thank God! 212-555-1989.
Pick up the phone.
Pick it up, Tommy.
The black thing on the desk. Come on, Tommy.
You want some more, Jumbo? I'll kick your ass.
Hawk ...
- Enjoying Italy? - Yeah.
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome.
I did my first bare-handed strangulation here.
- A Communist politician. - You big softie.
I miss communism!
The Red Threat. People were scared.
The Agency had some respect. And I got laid every night.
- Brief him, Snickers. - The Mayflowers are in a hurry.
- You're doing the Vatican tonight. - I've got a date tonight.
"Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps."
- This is going to be some date. - Snickers, make that list happen.
We're not like the Mayflowers. We're sore losers.
We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. So behave.
Ciao.
Hey, old man! Yeah, you!
You come back here alone and I'll kick your ass.
"Beware the blue wire"?
- Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps. - Good, Yogi.
TO THE VATICAN MUSEUM VATICAN CITY
- This spaghetti looks good. - Just like my mother used to make.
I'd better do my rounds.
Kit Kat, how did you know about that blue wire?
Control, something's going on.
Jesus Christ! I knew I heard something.
- I was afraid you weren't coming. - Am I late?
You look very nice. You really do. What?
- I am the waiter, sir. - Pasta with mushrooms, please.
- And bring me a bottle of ketchup. - You heard him.
Ketchup with pasta. Stupid American.
Come on, Pierre, read my lips. Steak burger. French fries.
- This is France. - Actually, it's Italy.
To be in Paris and in love.
They had the worst ketchup when I was in prison.
- Prison? - I was a warden.
- How long were you in? - Well, I never saw "ET."
You were in the joint. Doing hard time.
It's funny, but that excites me.
- I have a thing for sinners. - Well, I have a thing for sinning.
- Where'd you get the hawk? - In New York.
And the name Hudson Hawk?
The hawk is a slang word for the cold winter wind.
I grew up in Hoboken on the Hudson River.
- Hudson River. - Hudson Hawk. And these?
I fell on some chickens.
Does it hurt? Maybe I can make it feel better.
Okay, see what you can do.
Don't tickle me.
I've got to tell you something. I'd better whisper it to you.
I can't do this!
- What? - It's been a long time.
It's been a long time for me, too. This has been a very slow decade.
If I don't make love every 10 years, I get a little cranky.
I'm not sure if I remember how to kiss girls.
Not that I ever kiss guys.
The Vatican has been robbed!
- Catholic girls are scary. - Somebody robbed the Vatican.
It's not what you think ...
You went and did it in less than one day of planning.
First the Sforza, then the Codex. Is the Colosseum next in line?
Did the devil make you do it? Or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
- What's going on in there? - You want me to rape them?
Just read your book, Butterfinger.
"Not in a boat. Not on a train. Not with a goat. Not in the rain."
To yourself!
The Mayflowers have a peculiar interest in the da Vinci pieces.
The Sforza was a fake, but I was told not to denounce it.
- Does everybody know more than me? - You didn't know?
I'm just some guy who's good at swiping stuff.
Who knew that would lead to this? I've even got the CIA involved now.
Here's looking at you, kid.
- This is strange cappuccino. - That'll be the ethyl chloride.
Why didn't you tell me the hit was tonight? I want to see Kaplan.
Meddlesome Vatican organization! Way to go, Anna!
Hudson Hawk told me about you and the Mayflowers.
Basically you're all part of the same car pool.
If that was so, Almond Joy would've killed you once she had the Codex.
No, when the Mayflowers find out we have the Codex, -
- they'll want to make a deal. They buy the Codex and we bust them.
- What happens to Hudson Hawk? - I wouldn't worry about him.
He's going to be in very good hands, but you look really tired.
You should go back to Rome and get some sleep. Kit Kat.
See that Miss Baragli gets home safely.
Arrivederci, baby.
- Why didn't you let me kill her? - Close call.
But she's our only link to the Vatican organization.
Bunny Mayflower!
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
- Hit me with your best shot. - I betrayed a man.
- A good man. A thief. - Anna, what are you trying to say?
The CIA have double-crossed us. Hudson Hawk is not a bad man.
He came into a world where crime is a legitimate business tactic, -
- but he knew right from wrong ... and we kind of messed around.
My God! That is terrible! Messed around!
17 Hail Marys and five minutes outside.
So Hudson Hawk is not willingly working for the Mayflowers, -
- but Kaplan and the candy bars are.
The CIA is using me to keep us away from Mayflower.
The Pope warned me never to trust the CIA.
If the Mayflowers get control of the gold machine, we'll all be ruined.
Lord, help us!
What of Tommy Five-Tone? Find out where his loyalty lies.
But remember your vows to God, as well as your mission to the world.
Yes, your Eminence. Just say God go with me.
God go with you, Sister.
Ball!
- Ball! - Jolly good shot, sir.
- Hudson Hawk! - Hudson Hawk!
You cease to amaze me, convict. You are a terrible cat burglar!
Haven't you ever seen David Niven? Tiptoe in. Tiptoe out.
- Like a cat, one would say. - I could take it back.
- Let me do that. - I don't care.
You two! There's nothing I hate more than failure!
All you had to do was follow the Hawk.
I suppose we'll just have to kill them.
God, Minerva, I was just joking.
- Get away from there. - Just browsing.
Don't hurt him. We need him for the final job.
Really? Don't hurt him? Even if he does this?
Or what about this? Surely ... this must offend?
Things are really heating up at the castle tonight.
May I call you Minnie? You put your left foot in ...
There is one part of your body you won't be needing for your next job.
- I'll sing like Frankie Valli. - "Big Boys Don't Cry".
3 minutes, 27 seconds.
You start telling me what's going on or I won't move a muscle.
- Treat me like an adult. - That's fair. Now go to your room.
What?
In one of your paws you've got a gold bar worth about $8,000.
In the other, you've got cheap lead.
Surely a master thief like you can tell the difference.
Cool, isn't it? In weight and feel they're all but identical.
On the periodic chart of elements they're one proton apart.
Great minds worked for centuries to turn worthless into priceless.
Alchemy is the business term of the 90's.
I dumped some lira into research.
We came across a diary by one of da Vinci's assistants.
The gold machine was detailed in it.
Money isn't everything ... gold is!
Fuck blue-chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds!
Money will always be paper, but gold will always be gold!
We'll flood the market with so much gold -
- that the very foundation of finance will lose its meaning.
Brokers and economists will die from severe nervous breakdowns.
- Sounds like a party. - Financial empires will crumble.
- Except yours. - 1992, baby.
The European superpowers are meeting one business superpower.
The last ingredient in the recipe is da Vinci's model of a helicopter.
- On display in the Louvre, Paris. - Is there a Louvre in Wisconsin?
- The security will be overwhelming. - 12 guards ...
Time out. I choose not to accept the assignment.
- Put me in jail. - Jail?
Our foot soldiers will blow your brains out! Bunny, ball.
I'll torture you. I'll kill your friends ... even your prom date.
Patty-Jo Biarsky? I can get you an address on that.
I think we can solve this.
I'll kill you all! That butler. That little dog. I'm sick of this.
I hated cigarettes till I saw my first no smoking sign.
Keep off the grass? Let's play soccer.
The only law I cared for was friendship. I broke that one, too.
I just don't think we should leave them in there alone.
The pasta-slurping guinea will keep Hawk in line.
This Gates, CIA, Mayflower, da Vinci thing seemed like a sweet deal.
Visit foreign lands, take their treasures ...
It's better than playing darts with M BA's at the bar.
But I didn't think they were going to be using me to use you.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
There's only one way out of this, -
- and it's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.
- They'll talk about being buddies. - You've got to love male bonding.
You fucked my freedom for a lousy job?
You know something, Eddie? You hit like a girl!
I was only kidding.
Tommy! No!
- Plan B, George. - Plan B?
No sweat, Tommy. You just made the biggest mistake of my life.
I know I made a bad call. It was so beautiful.
When those blanks went off, everybody freaked.
- Ketchup. Heinz 57. - You fucked me for a lousy job?
You're lucky I don't hit women. If you even are a woman ...
I work for a Vatican humanitarian organization. The CIA conned me.
- I love you. - I care for you.
- What's this? - When did you get that?
- When you handed over the Codex. - It's from the gold machine.
- They're close to making it work. - Now they've lost your services ...
They won't be able to steal the third piece of the crystal.
Why do they leave all these rocks and shit laying in their back yard?
- They're called ruins, Eddie. - Good name.
He had this look on his face when we caught him.
I never saw a look like it. He was so embarrassed.
Won't the CIA check out this place?
No, they fell for it. They think ... Hawk's been arrested.
Kaplan and the candy bars were seen boarding a plane.
Will you quit worrying about it?
- Okay, guys, it's time for bed. - I couldn't agree more.
- You're going to sleep here. - Where are you going to sleep?
- I'll get you some sheets. - Yeah, we'll get you some sheets.
- It's a very special night. - Yes, it was.
- Is. - Was. You don't know about me.
I know some things about you, and about me, and about that bed.
- This is not the time, Hudson. - Look ...
- How about a late-night cappuccino? - The machine has poisonous foam.
- Yeah ... I remember. - Good night.
Good night.
Don't say another word.
- It's a very special night ... - Very funny.
Good morning. The license plates on the police van had a Vatican prefix.
I'm losing respect for you guys. You so nearly got away with it.
- Where's Anna? - It's nice of you to drop by.
Come back later with some croissants.
I really wish I had the glib repartee you guys have.
But I don't, so I'll paralyze you. AJ.
Curare darts. Instantaneous loss of all physical control below the neck.
Ed! I'll rip their tongues out!
Come here, you chicken shits! My head against your head.
Is this how I go out? Like a lump of frozen Play-Doh.
- Keep laughing, Jumbo. - You made it come out of my nose.
This is no way to get me to rob the Louvre.
The Louvre is yesterday's news, or should I say this morning's.
There was a lack of nuance. We didn't wear black or sing.
We weren't being judged on neatness, only results.
- Damn it! Yanks lose again. - How are the Mets doing?
You may be the fairest cat burglars of them all, -
- but if you weren't such snobs, the Louvre guards might still be alive.
But that's irrelevant now.
You're irrelevant now.
Tonight at the castle da Vinci ... we make gold!
- Rise and shine, sleepy heads. - Hi, Anna.
Mr. Kaplan, give me the crystal.
- Anna Baragli! - Came to play!
Anna, you're not going to shoot me or anybody else.
- Shoot! - I read your dossier, Sister.
- Why did she call you sister? - I'm sorry. I meant to tell you.
- He didn't know! - Hawk likes a nun.
- Those better be tears, Tommy. - They are.
- It doesn't mean I don't love you. - No, that's your job!
- You probably love Butterfinger. - Yeah, in a weird Catholic way.
But you ... you ...
Miss Baralgi's da Vinci expertise keeps her alive, but you guys ...
A souvenir. Ciao.
- Later, guys. - Easy for you to say.
Guys, the good news is you'll be unparalyzed in about 2 minutes.
But you'll only have five seconds to defuse the bombs.
I'll just shoot one in the kitchen for good measure.
More paralysis!
- You can move? - Yeah.
This is what I get for darting a nun.
- Get this thing off my head! - He's about to have a bad migraine.
Maybe it was a dud.
It must be the curare. It has certain side effects.
I'm a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow.
The apprentice's diary explains how the pieces of crystal fit together.
If you could decipher the code, we'd be very grateful.
What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows.
I must speak with the dolphins now.
Just shoot her. Anybody. This is supposed to be torture, not therapy.
The old man said left at the brook for the castle.
- Quit pushing. - I'm not pushing.
- Count of three? - Why not just go now?
Who are you? Bob Hope? What's with the golf bag?
I've got a plan.
Let me ask you something. How do I look?
- You look great. Are you kidding? - No, I want you to tell me.
We're hanging off a castle and you're asking me how you look?
You look gorgeous. Like Zorro.
- A life of service comes to this. - The dolphin is dead.
- Come on, you bitch! - I'm not a good damsel in a dress.
You must pay the rent. But I can't pay the rent.
A damsel in distress has some Dudley Do-Right coming to save her.
It ain't going to happen. Hudson Hawk is dead.
I'm going to use the seven iron. Six iron . .?
Thank you. Fore!
Four? Did anybody hear something?
- Can you believe it? - I heard something.
- Did you set the timer? - No.
Come on, Butterfinger. Kit Kat, guard the Mayflowers with your life.
Kit Kat, are you really going to guard us with your life?
I ALWAYS LIKED YOU
A double crossbow for a double-cross.
Catch you later, baby.
- Why did you do that? - Thou shalt not share.
It's in the hole! He's got to be happy with that one.
2.5 minutes to save Anna. 3.5 to save the world.
6:00. "Side by Side."
Let's go down this way ... Maybe we'd better go this way.
Okay ... this way.
Hey, I'll take the front nine. You take the back nine.
- We'll meet back at the clubhouse. - Looking good, man.
How are you doing? Three ... two ... one ...
Go in. Brief the Mayflowers on the current situation.
You got it, coach.
I'll take that, sir.
Coach, it looks bad. I think those Mayflowers set us up.
Jumbo, we hardly knew you.
Tell us what we want to know or I'll send you to heaven.
If you see the big guy, tell him he's a loser.
That's it!
- That didn't hurt. - No? Try this.
What do you say now, you centrally intelligent scumsickle?
Getting old, George?
Tommy, you New York Italian son of a bitch!
You were hired as bait. Do you have an answer as to why you betrayed me?
I've got five of them.
One ... two ... three ... four ...
Just one more!
That didn't ... hurt.
How do I stop this?
My hat.
You never fucked with nobody from Hoboken before. Anna!
- We're supposed to be saving you. - I saved myself.
- We still have to get the crystals. - They're right here, cowboy.
- Eddie! - That sounds like Tommy.
Alfred, I won't be needing the car anymore.
Ta-ta!
- Eddie! - My pension!
- A friend of yours? - Dead!
Hudson, look ... out.
Anna! Hawk! You're probably wondering why you're still alive.
We're still having a little problem putting this damn crystal together.
Well, what are you waiting for?
- Don't do it, Hudson. - Relax.
Besides ... we don't have much choice, do we?
Oh, Hawk ... don't ever change!
Nice Hawk. Bad Hawk!
Why is the world jam packed with such idiots?
Every schmo has the fantasy that the planet revolves around them.
When a car crash stops traffic, you say how can this happen to me.
But for us this isn't a fantasy. It is a reality.
If da Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi.
The project of his life is now the toy of mine.
History, tradition, culture, are not concepts.
They're trophies I keep in my den as paperweights.
The chaos we'll cause with this machine will be our masterpiece.
Go team, go!
Yes!
Now!
Eureka, motherfucker!
You should feel very good about yourself.
What would happen if I didn't put that crystal together exactly right?
Let's say I left out this piece of mirror here. Would that be bad?
- Real bad. - Good.
Minerva!
Alfred!
- Your turn. - How did it get to be my turn?
Definitely your turn.
- All right, stay out of the way. - Hudson ...
Okay.
- Thou shalt not kill! - Sorry.
Stop helping me!
Hey, Alfred ...
You won't be attending that hat convention in July.
- My turn? - Yeah.
This dog now?
Bunny, ball.
Come on.
Uncover my eyes ... Cover 'em up!
Just hang on.
Hi, kids!
- Anna. - Yes, Hudson?
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- Will you play Nintendo with me? - I'd love to play with you.
- What about your boss? - What boss?
He wants me to keep an eye on you.
- Yes. I've got criminal tendencies. - Can I buy you a cappuccino?
- Can I give you a kiss? - Yes.
- I just wish Tommy were here. - No way.
- That's not very nice. - No way.
- Did I miss anything? - You were in a car crash!
Air bags!
- You're supposed to be blown up. - A sprinkler system.
- Can you fucking believe it? - Yeah ... that's what happened.
- Drink your cappuccino. - Drink your coffee.
With the world saved and the secrets of da Vinci protected, -
- Eddie finally got his coffee.