1 00:00:28,875 --> 00:00:30,866 ["Life's Been Good" by Joe WalsH playing] 2 00:00:38,785 --> 00:00:41,151 Bobby boy, stay Here wHile Mommy picks up tHe free cHeese, OK? 3 00:00:42,355 --> 00:00:45,324 THis'll keep tHe sun out of your eyes. 4 00:00:45,358 --> 00:00:48,156 You be good, now. 5 00:00:53,366 --> 00:00:55,994 All rigHt, don't you fucking move, you little sHit macHine. 6 00:00:56,036 --> 00:00:58,800 Momma's gonna to try to score. 7 00:01:01,074 --> 00:01:02,632 [Carriage squeaks] 8 00:01:02,676 --> 00:01:03,938 WHat tHe Hell? 9 00:01:03,977 --> 00:01:05,945 Excuse me. WHo's watcHing tHese babies? 10 00:01:05,979 --> 00:01:08,641 UH, tHe fat one's watcHing tHe little one. 11 00:01:08,682 --> 00:01:10,411 OH, nice parenting. 12 00:01:10,450 --> 00:01:12,884 Leave tHem out Here like tHat and see wHat Happens. 13 00:01:12,919 --> 00:01:15,410 Yo, fuck you, you fucking square! 14 00:01:15,455 --> 00:01:17,252 Aw, keep on truckin'. 15 00:01:17,290 --> 00:01:18,450 Did you Hear tHat fucking guy... 16 00:01:18,491 --> 00:01:19,924 telling me How to fucking raise you? 17 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:21,449 Motherfucker, man. 18 00:01:21,494 --> 00:01:22,791 WHo does He fucking tHink He is? 19 00:01:22,829 --> 00:01:24,091 WHat's tHe worst fucking tHing tHat could Happen to you... 20 00:01:24,130 --> 00:01:25,961 standing in front of a fucking store, rigHt? 21 00:01:25,999 --> 00:01:27,296 Fuck. 22 00:01:29,969 --> 00:01:31,368 Fuck. 23 00:01:31,404 --> 00:01:32,564 Fuck. 24 00:01:32,605 --> 00:01:35,165 Fuck, fuck, fuck... 25 00:01:35,208 --> 00:01:36,800 Fuck, fuck, fuck 26 00:01:36,843 --> 00:01:38,811 Mother, motherfuck, mother, motherfuck, fuck 27 00:01:38,845 --> 00:01:40,710 Motherfuck, motherfuck, noise, noise, noise 28 00:01:40,747 --> 00:01:42,942 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 29 00:01:42,982 --> 00:01:44,279 Noise, noise, noise 30 00:01:44,317 --> 00:01:46,251 Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz 31 00:01:46,286 --> 00:01:48,015 Doin' coke, drinkin' beers 32 00:01:48,054 --> 00:01:50,181 Drinkin' beers, beers, beers 33 00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:52,088 Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts 34 00:01:52,125 --> 00:01:53,922 Who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts 35 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,087 Rollin' blunts and smokin'-- 36 00:01:56,129 --> 00:01:57,687 UH, let me get a nickel bag. 37 00:01:57,731 --> 00:02:00,131 Fifteen bucks, little man 38 00:02:00,166 --> 00:02:02,157 Put that shit in my hand 39 00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:04,261 lf that money doesn't show 40 00:02:04,304 --> 00:02:05,828 Then you owe me, owe me, owe 41 00:02:05,872 --> 00:02:07,931 Myjungle love, yeah 42 00:02:07,974 --> 00:02:09,566 Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe 43 00:02:09,609 --> 00:02:12,442 l think l want to know ya, know ya 44 00:02:12,479 --> 00:02:13,946 Yeah, what? 45 00:02:13,980 --> 00:02:15,208 WHat tHe Hell are you singing? 46 00:02:15,248 --> 00:02:16,647 You don't know "Jungle Love"? 47 00:02:16,683 --> 00:02:18,514 THat sHit is tHe mad notes-- 48 00:02:18,551 --> 00:02:20,451 written by God herself... 49 00:02:20,487 --> 00:02:22,785 and Handed down to tHe greatest band in tHe world-- 50 00:02:22,822 --> 00:02:24,915 tHe motHerfucking Time. 51 00:02:24,958 --> 00:02:26,550 You mean tHe guys in tHat Prince movie? 52 00:02:26,593 --> 00:02:27,787 BOY: Yeah, "Purple Rain. " 53 00:02:27,827 --> 00:02:30,625 THat sHit was so gay-- fucking eigHties style. 54 00:02:30,663 --> 00:02:32,028 [WHoosH, wHoosH] 55 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:33,225 Hey! 56 00:02:33,266 --> 00:02:36,064 Don't never say an unkind word about tHe Time. 57 00:02:36,102 --> 00:02:38,593 Me and Silent Bob modeled our wHole fucking lives... 58 00:02:38,638 --> 00:02:40,071 around Morris Day and Jerome. 59 00:02:40,106 --> 00:02:43,803 l'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy... 60 00:02:43,843 --> 00:02:45,640 and Tubby Here's my black manservant. 61 00:02:45,678 --> 00:02:46,838 WHat? 62 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,040 MAN: What'd l tell you two... 63 00:02:48,081 --> 00:02:49,446 about dealing in front of the store? 64 00:02:49,482 --> 00:02:51,006 Now drop tHe kid and peddle your wares... 65 00:02:51,050 --> 00:02:52,779 someplace else, burn boy. 66 00:02:54,487 --> 00:02:58,651 And for tHe record, tHe Time sucked ass. 67 00:02:58,691 --> 00:03:00,921 Yo, youse guys wanna Hear sometHing fucked up... 68 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,258 about Him and tHat Quick Stop boy? 69 00:03:05,598 --> 00:03:07,498 Are you even supposed to be Here today? 70 00:03:07,534 --> 00:03:09,024 Don't get me started. 71 00:03:09,068 --> 00:03:10,228 Hey, can't we do sometHing... 72 00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:11,794 about tHose two stoners Hanging around... 73 00:03:11,838 --> 00:03:13,135 outside tHe store all tHe time? 74 00:03:13,173 --> 00:03:14,435 WHy? WHat'd tHey do now? 75 00:03:14,474 --> 00:03:16,066 l'm trying to watch "Clash of the Titans"... 76 00:03:16,109 --> 00:03:17,440 and all l can hear is those two... 77 00:03:17,477 --> 00:03:19,604 screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. 78 00:03:19,646 --> 00:03:21,671 l thought the fat one didn't really talk that much. 79 00:03:21,714 --> 00:03:24,444 What, am l producing an A&E biography about them? 80 00:03:24,484 --> 00:03:26,645 Uh, two packs of wraps. 81 00:03:26,686 --> 00:03:28,278 Yo, how was the service? 82 00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:29,913 What service? 83 00:03:29,956 --> 00:03:32,151 The one at the Unitarian church last week... 84 00:03:32,192 --> 00:03:34,285 where you two got married to each other. 85 00:03:34,327 --> 00:03:35,851 What the hell are you talking about? 86 00:03:35,895 --> 00:03:37,453 Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding... 87 00:03:37,497 --> 00:03:39,658 and you tied the knot dressed like Stormtroopers. 88 00:03:39,699 --> 00:03:42,327 And he says you're the bitch, and you're the butch. 89 00:03:42,368 --> 00:03:43,858 l'm the bitch? 90 00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:45,393 Well, if we were gay, that's the way l'd see it. 91 00:03:45,438 --> 00:03:46,598 Will you shut up? 92 00:03:46,639 --> 00:03:47,799 BOY: Holy shit, dude. 93 00:03:47,841 --> 00:03:49,308 The honeymoon's over. 94 00:03:49,342 --> 00:03:50,639 Oh, that does it. 95 00:03:50,677 --> 00:03:53,339 l am going to do something about these two stoner fucks... 96 00:03:53,379 --> 00:03:55,040 l should've done a long time ago. 97 00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,912 Whoa! 98 00:03:56,950 --> 00:03:59,077 What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? 99 00:03:59,118 --> 00:04:00,415 We got a report of two guys... 100 00:04:00,453 --> 00:04:03,115 hanging around outside a store selling pot. 101 00:04:03,156 --> 00:04:04,885 We don't smoke pot, yo. 102 00:04:04,924 --> 00:04:07,518 No pot, huh? What do you use this for? 103 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,027 What? l have a wiping problem. 104 00:04:09,062 --> 00:04:10,529 l stick those little pieces of paper... 105 00:04:10,563 --> 00:04:11,894 up my brown eye and bam! 106 00:04:11,931 --> 00:04:13,489 No shit stains in my undies. 107 00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,023 What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. 108 00:04:15,068 --> 00:04:17,366 Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks... 109 00:04:17,403 --> 00:04:19,701 so that he can see the fucking stink nuggets. 110 00:04:19,739 --> 00:04:22,071 Pull up your fucking pants, sir--now! 111 00:04:22,108 --> 00:04:23,405 [Farts] 112 00:04:23,443 --> 00:04:25,434 OFFlCER: Let's go. Let's go. 113 00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:26,775 We're going down to the station. 114 00:04:26,813 --> 00:04:29,475 JAY: What, is it a fucking crime to fart? Motherfucker! 115 00:04:30,783 --> 00:04:32,512 BRODlE: No fucking way. 116 00:04:32,552 --> 00:04:35,385 Dante and Randall slapped you with a restraining order? 117 00:04:35,421 --> 00:04:37,013 Ain't that about a bitch? 118 00:04:37,056 --> 00:04:38,648 So, are you going to abide by the court's ruling... 119 00:04:38,691 --> 00:04:41,159 or are you going to go "Bandit," Reynolds style? 120 00:04:41,194 --> 00:04:42,991 JA Y: Thejudge said if we go within a hundred feet... 121 00:04:43,029 --> 00:04:45,395 of the stores, we get thrown into County. 122 00:04:45,431 --> 00:04:47,331 You know what they make you do in County? 123 00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:48,891 Toss the salad. 124 00:04:48,935 --> 00:04:50,095 l guess if you guys really wanted... 125 00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:51,398 to hang out in front of a convenience store... 126 00:04:51,437 --> 00:04:52,768 you couldjust buy your own now... 127 00:04:52,805 --> 00:04:54,500 what with all that money you guys made. 128 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,337 Hell, yeah, bitch. 129 00:04:56,376 --> 00:04:58,037 Wait a sec. What money? 130 00:04:58,077 --> 00:05:00,602 The money from the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie. 131 00:05:03,483 --> 00:05:07,112 Oh, my God. Don't tell me you have no idea... 132 00:05:07,153 --> 00:05:08,415 there's a movie being made... 133 00:05:08,454 --> 00:05:11,423 of the comic you two were the basis for. 134 00:05:11,457 --> 00:05:13,584 What? Since when? 135 00:05:13,626 --> 00:05:15,821 Here's the pulse, all right? 136 00:05:15,862 --> 00:05:17,523 And this is your finger-- 137 00:05:17,563 --> 00:05:20,259 far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. 138 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:25,135 Say, would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel? 139 00:05:25,171 --> 00:05:28,572 You see, kids, if you read "Wizard"... 140 00:05:28,608 --> 00:05:30,337 you'd know that it's the top story this month. 141 00:05:30,376 --> 00:05:31,570 Check it out. 142 00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:35,938 JA Y: When the fuck did this happen? 143 00:05:35,982 --> 00:05:38,280 BRODlE: Well, after "X-Men" hit at the box office... 144 00:05:38,318 --> 00:05:39,751 all the studios started buying up... 145 00:05:39,786 --> 00:05:41,549 every comic property they could get... 146 00:05:41,587 --> 00:05:42,884 their dirty little hands on. 147 00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:45,550 Miramax optioned "Bluntman and Chronic." 148 00:05:45,591 --> 00:05:47,855 Miramax? l thought they only made classy pictures... 149 00:05:47,894 --> 00:05:51,421 like "The Piano" or "The Crying Game." 150 00:05:51,464 --> 00:05:52,692 Yeah, well, once they made "She's All That"... 151 00:05:52,732 --> 00:05:53,994 everything went to hell. 152 00:05:54,033 --> 00:05:56,331 So you're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut... 153 00:05:56,369 --> 00:05:57,529 of the movie? 154 00:05:57,570 --> 00:05:59,060 Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards... 155 00:05:59,105 --> 00:06:01,232 used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? 156 00:06:01,274 --> 00:06:03,799 We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie. 157 00:06:03,843 --> 00:06:06,744 Well, boys, l'm no lawyer, but l think Holden and Banky... 158 00:06:06,779 --> 00:06:09,441 owe you some of that proverbial phat cash. 159 00:06:09,482 --> 00:06:12,144 lfl was you guys, l would find Holden McNeil... 160 00:06:12,185 --> 00:06:13,743 and ask for my movie check. 161 00:06:13,786 --> 00:06:17,017 Shit, yeah. We gots to get paid. 162 00:06:17,056 --> 00:06:19,456 And on that note, we cue the music. 163 00:06:19,492 --> 00:06:22,655 -Mat mat mat -L-L-lum 164 00:06:22,695 --> 00:06:24,629 -Mat mat mat -Lip la 165 00:06:24,664 --> 00:06:26,791 -Mat mat mat -L-L-lum 166 00:06:26,833 --> 00:06:29,597 -Mat mat meal -Ma ma ma, ma ma-ma ma 167 00:06:35,475 --> 00:06:36,703 Well... 168 00:06:36,743 --> 00:06:40,110 look at these morose motherfuckers right here. 169 00:06:40,146 --> 00:06:42,944 Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. 170 00:06:42,982 --> 00:06:45,678 Bung! Ha ha ha! 171 00:06:45,718 --> 00:06:47,549 That was good. Come on in. 172 00:06:47,587 --> 00:06:49,817 So, what brings you two dirt merchants... 173 00:06:49,856 --> 00:06:51,483 to my neck of the woods? 174 00:06:51,524 --> 00:06:53,856 l'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods. 175 00:06:53,893 --> 00:06:56,020 Where's our motherfucking movie check? 176 00:06:56,062 --> 00:06:58,360 You heard about that, huh? l got nothing to do with it. 177 00:06:58,398 --> 00:06:59,922 That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now. 178 00:06:59,966 --> 00:07:01,433 l sold my half of the "Bluntman and Chronic" rights... 179 00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:02,627 to him years ago. 180 00:07:02,668 --> 00:07:05,136 Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? 181 00:07:05,171 --> 00:07:07,332 Why in God's name would l wanna keep writing... 182 00:07:07,373 --> 00:07:10,001 about characters whose central preoccupation... 183 00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:12,341 is weed and dick and fart jokes? 184 00:07:12,378 --> 00:07:14,903 l mean, you got to grow, man. 185 00:07:14,947 --> 00:07:16,972 Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? 186 00:07:18,251 --> 00:07:20,048 l know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. 187 00:07:20,086 --> 00:07:22,111 l look into his sorry doe eyes... 188 00:07:22,155 --> 00:07:24,555 and ljust-- l see a man crying out. 189 00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:25,955 He's crying out, "When, Lord? 190 00:07:25,992 --> 00:07:28,620 "When the fuck can your servant... 191 00:07:28,661 --> 00:07:31,289 "ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead... 192 00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:34,060 "to whom l am a constant victim of his folly... 193 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:35,260 "so much so that it prevents him... 194 00:07:35,301 --> 00:07:36,461 "from ever getting to kiss a girl? 195 00:07:36,502 --> 00:07:37,992 "Fuck! When, Lord, when? 196 00:07:38,037 --> 00:07:39,766 "When's gonna be my time?" 197 00:07:43,276 --> 00:07:44,709 He knows. 198 00:07:44,744 --> 00:07:47,577 l'm the chucklehead? You're the fucking dumb-ass... 199 00:07:47,613 --> 00:07:49,604 who gave your comic away, and now you don't get... 200 00:07:49,649 --> 00:07:51,378 no fucking movie check, neither. 201 00:07:51,417 --> 00:07:52,577 When you're right, you're right. 202 00:07:52,618 --> 00:07:54,313 l wish l held onto a little piece of that thing... 203 00:07:54,353 --> 00:07:55,911 because if the buzz is any indicator... 204 00:07:55,955 --> 00:07:58,253 that movie's going to make some huge bank. 205 00:07:58,291 --> 00:07:59,849 What buzz? 206 00:07:59,892 --> 00:08:01,086 The lnternet buzz. 207 00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:03,459 What the fuck is the lnternet? 208 00:08:03,496 --> 00:08:05,225 The lnternet is a communications tool... 209 00:08:05,264 --> 00:08:07,323 used the world over, where people can come together... 210 00:08:07,366 --> 00:08:09,834 to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. 211 00:08:09,869 --> 00:08:12,235 Here's what we're looking for-- Moviepoopshoot.com. [Farts] 212 00:08:12,271 --> 00:08:14,762 Poop shoot. Yeah. 213 00:08:14,807 --> 00:08:17,640 This is a site populated by militant movie buffs-- 214 00:08:17,677 --> 00:08:19,508 sad, pathetic little bastards... 215 00:08:19,545 --> 00:08:21,069 living in their parents' basement... 216 00:08:21,114 --> 00:08:22,342 downloading scripts... 217 00:08:22,381 --> 00:08:24,542 and what they think is inside information... 218 00:08:24,584 --> 00:08:27,109 about movies and actors they claim to despise... 219 00:08:27,153 --> 00:08:28,484 yet can't stop discussing. 220 00:08:28,521 --> 00:08:31,649 OK, this is about "Bluntman and Chronic" right here. 221 00:08:31,691 --> 00:08:32,851 "lnside sources tell me... 222 00:08:32,892 --> 00:08:34,325 "Miramax is starting production this Friday... 223 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:35,918 "on their adaptation of underground comic fave... 224 00:08:35,962 --> 00:08:37,486 "'Bluntman and Chronic."' 225 00:08:37,530 --> 00:08:39,225 Friday? Shit, does it say who's fucking playing us... 226 00:08:39,265 --> 00:08:40,425 in the movie? 227 00:08:40,466 --> 00:08:41,626 No, but it's Miramax... 228 00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:43,601 so l'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. 229 00:08:43,636 --> 00:08:45,467 You know, they put them in a bunch of movies. 230 00:08:45,505 --> 00:08:46,870 Who? 231 00:08:46,906 --> 00:08:48,339 You know, those kids from "Good Will Hunting." 232 00:08:48,374 --> 00:08:51,002 You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? 233 00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:52,567 Yeah, l wasn't a big fan, either... 234 00:08:52,612 --> 00:08:55,240 but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms." 235 00:08:55,281 --> 00:08:57,772 Word, bitch. "Phantoms"' like a motherfucker. 236 00:08:57,817 --> 00:08:58,977 What's up now? 237 00:08:59,018 --> 00:09:00,542 [Cracks neck] Ahem. All right. 238 00:09:00,586 --> 00:09:03,282 So, here we go. Now, this is the shoot-back section. 239 00:09:03,322 --> 00:09:04,755 This is where the people who read the news... 240 00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:06,655 get to chime in with their two cents. 241 00:09:06,692 --> 00:09:08,057 For example, we got a guy here... 242 00:09:08,094 --> 00:09:10,995 with the chick magnet net handle "Wompa One"... 243 00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:13,294 opining on what he thinks about "Bluntman and Chronic. " 244 00:09:13,332 --> 00:09:16,130 He says, "Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos... 245 00:09:16,169 --> 00:09:18,433 "Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all. 246 00:09:18,471 --> 00:09:20,496 "They don't deserve their own movie. " 247 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:22,132 -He's got a point. -Fuck him. 248 00:09:22,175 --> 00:09:23,335 What's the next one say? 249 00:09:23,376 --> 00:09:25,640 This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses." 250 00:09:25,678 --> 00:09:28,340 "'Bluntman and Chronic' is the worst comic l ever read. 251 00:09:28,381 --> 00:09:30,349 "Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters-- 252 00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:32,908 "a couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catch phrases... 253 00:09:32,952 --> 00:09:34,476 "like a third-rate Cheech and Chong... 254 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,112 "or Bill and Ted. 255 00:09:36,155 --> 00:09:37,622 "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. 256 00:09:37,657 --> 00:09:40,649 "Fuck them up their stupid asses." 257 00:09:40,693 --> 00:09:42,661 Who the fuck said that shit? 258 00:09:42,695 --> 00:09:44,322 A guy who calls himself "Magnolia Fan." 259 00:09:44,363 --> 00:09:45,557 All right, here, check this one out. 260 00:09:45,598 --> 00:09:47,532 "Jay and Silent Bob are one-notejokes... 261 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,535 "that only stoners laugh at. 262 00:09:49,569 --> 00:09:52,538 "They're fucking clown shoes." Mmm. 263 00:09:52,572 --> 00:09:54,403 "lf they were real, l'd beat the shit out of them... 264 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:55,964 "for being so stupid. 265 00:09:56,008 --> 00:09:57,839 "l, for one, will be boycotting this movie. 266 00:09:57,877 --> 00:09:59,037 "Who's with me?" 267 00:09:59,078 --> 00:10:00,568 Then there's, like, fifty more posts... 268 00:10:00,613 --> 00:10:03,411 of people who are joining Spartacus's here boycott. 269 00:10:03,449 --> 00:10:06,009 l'm gonna kill all these fucks. 270 00:10:06,052 --> 00:10:08,350 Let it go, man. They're not talking about you guys. 271 00:10:08,387 --> 00:10:10,821 They're talking about Bluntman and Chronic. 272 00:10:10,856 --> 00:10:15,054 They said Jay and Silent Bob. They used our real names. 273 00:10:15,094 --> 00:10:17,028 lt doesn't matter if there's a comic book version of us... 274 00:10:17,063 --> 00:10:18,223 and a real version... 275 00:10:18,264 --> 00:10:20,425 because no one knows we're real in real life. 276 00:10:20,466 --> 00:10:21,728 Really? 277 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:22,893 All these people reading that shit... 278 00:10:22,935 --> 00:10:24,095 think the real Jay and Silent Bob... 279 00:10:24,136 --> 00:10:25,296 are a couple jerkoffs... 280 00:10:25,338 --> 00:10:26,737 because of what all these dickheads are writing... 281 00:10:26,772 --> 00:10:28,740 about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob. 282 00:10:28,774 --> 00:10:30,969 Maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out... 283 00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:33,069 we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like... 284 00:10:33,112 --> 00:10:36,047 "Ooh, l wanna suck youse guys' dicks off"... 285 00:10:36,082 --> 00:10:38,107 and she's, like, "What's your names?" 286 00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:39,708 And l'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." 287 00:10:39,752 --> 00:10:40,980 Reco'nize. 288 00:10:41,020 --> 00:10:42,851 And she's like, "Oh, l've read on the lnternet... 289 00:10:42,888 --> 00:10:44,185 "that fuckin' youse guys... 290 00:10:44,223 --> 00:10:46,248 "are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." 291 00:10:46,292 --> 00:10:49,455 And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. 292 00:10:49,495 --> 00:10:52,055 Well, fuck that. We gotta put a stop... 293 00:10:52,098 --> 00:10:53,725 to these fuckin' hateful sons of bitches... 294 00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:55,927 before they ruin our good names. 295 00:10:55,968 --> 00:10:57,902 First of all, l don't know how good your names are. 296 00:10:57,937 --> 00:10:59,370 Second of all, there's not much you can do... 297 00:10:59,405 --> 00:11:00,599 about stopping this bile. 298 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:02,699 The lnternet has given everyone in America a voice... 299 00:11:02,742 --> 00:11:04,141 and evidently, everyone in America has chosen... 300 00:11:04,176 --> 00:11:05,871 to use that voice to bitch about movies. 301 00:11:05,911 --> 00:11:07,902 As long as there's a "Bluntman and Chronic" movie... 302 00:11:07,947 --> 00:11:09,380 the net nerds are gonna have something negative... 303 00:11:09,415 --> 00:11:10,575 to say about it. 304 00:11:10,616 --> 00:11:11,878 Well, wait a second. 305 00:11:11,917 --> 00:11:14,215 lf there wasn't a "Bluntman and Chronic" movie... 306 00:11:14,253 --> 00:11:16,016 then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit... 307 00:11:16,055 --> 00:11:17,818 about Jay and Silent Bob, right? 308 00:11:17,857 --> 00:11:20,348 They're not saying anything about you now, OK? 309 00:11:20,393 --> 00:11:22,486 They're talking about fictional characters. 310 00:11:22,528 --> 00:11:25,292 Fictional characters. 311 00:11:25,331 --> 00:11:27,322 Am l--am l getting through to you at all? 312 00:11:27,366 --> 00:11:29,527 So all we gotta do is go stop... 313 00:11:29,568 --> 00:11:31,900 the fuckin' movie from gettin' made. 314 00:11:31,937 --> 00:11:34,701 Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars... 315 00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:36,833 that you two would be entitled to in the process. 316 00:11:36,876 --> 00:11:38,138 What are you, fucking retarded? 317 00:11:38,177 --> 00:11:39,804 l don't think l'm alone in the world... 318 00:11:39,845 --> 00:11:42,279 in imagining this flick may be the worst idea... 319 00:11:42,315 --> 00:11:44,442 since Greedo shooting first. 320 00:11:44,483 --> 00:11:47,611 You know, it-- a Jay and Silent Bob movie? 321 00:11:47,653 --> 00:11:49,621 Who would pay to see that? 322 00:11:54,694 --> 00:11:56,662 But, since it appears inevitable... 323 00:11:56,696 --> 00:11:58,630 l recommend that you guys go hunt Banky down... 324 00:11:58,664 --> 00:12:00,529 and get yo' mother-fuckin' movie check... 325 00:12:00,566 --> 00:12:02,193 as you so succinctly put it... 326 00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,599 'cause that's what's important, right? 327 00:12:03,636 --> 00:12:06,503 Um, no, Holden McNeil. 328 00:12:06,539 --> 00:12:08,530 The important thing here is a fuckin' bunch... 329 00:12:08,574 --> 00:12:10,201 of motherfuckers we don't even know... 330 00:12:10,242 --> 00:12:11,869 callin' us assholes on the lnternet... 331 00:12:11,911 --> 00:12:14,937 to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. 332 00:12:14,980 --> 00:12:17,073 Puttin' a stop to that is the most important thing... 333 00:12:17,116 --> 00:12:18,276 we could ever do. 334 00:12:18,317 --> 00:12:20,444 So when's this movie gettin' made? 335 00:12:20,486 --> 00:12:21,976 Uh, they start this Friday. 336 00:12:22,021 --> 00:12:24,956 So if today's Tuesday, that gives us... 337 00:12:27,927 --> 00:12:29,326 Eight days. 338 00:12:29,362 --> 00:12:30,989 Uh, three by my count, but close. 339 00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:32,190 JA Y: Right. 340 00:12:32,231 --> 00:12:33,425 My bad. 341 00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:36,094 Three days to stop that fuckin' stupid movie... 342 00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:38,695 from gettin' made. Come on, Silent Bob. 343 00:12:38,738 --> 00:12:40,262 We're goin' to Hollywood. 344 00:13:01,427 --> 00:13:02,587 Tickets? 345 00:13:02,628 --> 00:13:04,789 Since when did they start charging for the bus? 346 00:13:04,830 --> 00:13:06,127 Didn't we used to ride that shit... 347 00:13:06,165 --> 00:13:08,224 to school every morning for free? 348 00:13:12,037 --> 00:13:13,334 This sucks balls, man. 349 00:13:13,372 --> 00:13:15,533 How come we ain't gettin' no rides? 350 00:13:15,574 --> 00:13:18,372 HlTCHHlKER: 'Cause you're doing it all wrong. 351 00:13:19,912 --> 00:13:23,211 You gotta give the driver a little incentive. 352 00:13:23,249 --> 00:13:25,114 Like how? 353 00:13:25,151 --> 00:13:26,584 Like this... 354 00:13:28,387 --> 00:13:30,480 Yeah, but what happens when they pick you up... 355 00:13:30,523 --> 00:13:31,683 and you don't make with the head? 356 00:13:31,724 --> 00:13:33,385 Don't they kick your ass to the curb? 357 00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:35,792 Sure, if you don't make with the head. 358 00:13:39,799 --> 00:13:41,892 Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me... 359 00:13:41,934 --> 00:13:44,232 a couple of hundred miles across the country... 360 00:13:44,270 --> 00:13:46,204 l'll take a shot in the mouth. 361 00:13:46,238 --> 00:13:47,865 Yeah, but we ain't gay. 362 00:13:47,907 --> 00:13:51,968 Don't be so suburban. lt's the new millennium. 363 00:13:52,011 --> 00:13:55,139 Gay, straight-- it's all the same now. 364 00:13:55,181 --> 00:13:57,411 There are no more lines. 365 00:13:57,450 --> 00:14:01,546 Well, there's a line, and on this side of it, we ain't gay. 366 00:14:01,587 --> 00:14:03,646 Hey, all the hitchers do this. 367 00:14:03,689 --> 00:14:06,055 Why do you think people pick us up? 368 00:14:06,091 --> 00:14:08,059 lf you get a ride, it's expected. 369 00:14:08,093 --> 00:14:10,618 l don't care who the driver is. 370 00:14:10,663 --> 00:14:13,632 lt's the first rule in the book. 371 00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:15,099 What book? 372 00:14:15,134 --> 00:14:18,228 The unwritten book of the road. 373 00:14:20,239 --> 00:14:21,900 [Horn honks] 374 00:14:34,253 --> 00:14:36,084 Follow the rules of the book... 375 00:14:36,121 --> 00:14:39,090 and you get where you're going in no time. 376 00:14:39,124 --> 00:14:40,591 Excuse me. 377 00:14:46,298 --> 00:14:48,289 [Horn honking] 378 00:14:52,805 --> 00:14:54,705 [Tires screech] 379 00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:56,139 [Horn honks] 380 00:15:05,017 --> 00:15:08,714 SlNGER: l don't care ifit rains or freezes 381 00:15:08,754 --> 00:15:10,585 You both don't have to sit back there. 382 00:15:10,623 --> 00:15:12,750 Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me? 383 00:15:20,032 --> 00:15:21,624 Where are you boys from? 384 00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:24,534 JA Y: New Jersey, but we're on our way to Hollywood. 385 00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:27,539 Oh, Hollywood, huh? That's a long ways away. 386 00:15:27,573 --> 00:15:29,973 Yeah. Thank God you picked us up. 387 00:15:30,009 --> 00:15:33,604 Well, do unto others. That's what the Book says. 388 00:15:33,646 --> 00:15:35,739 Wait a sec. You follow the book, too? 389 00:15:35,781 --> 00:15:37,806 l live my life by it. 390 00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:39,545 You? 391 00:15:39,585 --> 00:15:41,052 NUN: Of course. So... 392 00:15:41,086 --> 00:15:43,520 you live by the Book, too? 393 00:15:43,556 --> 00:15:45,217 Well, you picked us up, didn't you? 394 00:15:45,257 --> 00:15:46,588 l gotta. 395 00:15:46,625 --> 00:15:49,423 Well, that's good to hear. 396 00:15:49,461 --> 00:15:52,555 But it's a lot easier to say that you live by the Book... 397 00:15:52,598 --> 00:15:55,089 than to actually do it. 398 00:15:55,134 --> 00:15:57,102 Can you do it? 399 00:15:57,136 --> 00:15:58,933 All right. 400 00:16:01,874 --> 00:16:03,535 JA Y: Mmm, mmm. 401 00:16:03,576 --> 00:16:05,339 [Nun screams] 402 00:16:06,745 --> 00:16:08,736 -NUN: Whoa! -[Thud] 403 00:16:18,357 --> 00:16:19,654 l can't believe this shit. 404 00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:21,523 Five hours and not a single ride. 405 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,050 Every day people hitch to Hollywood... 406 00:16:23,095 --> 00:16:24,858 to stop studios from making films about 'em... 407 00:16:24,897 --> 00:16:26,194 but when you and me try it... 408 00:16:26,231 --> 00:16:28,392 it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon. 409 00:16:28,434 --> 00:16:30,231 [Horn honks] 410 00:16:41,046 --> 00:16:43,412 [Ruff ruff ruff] 411 00:16:44,650 --> 00:16:46,413 Zoinks, yo. 412 00:16:46,452 --> 00:16:47,817 Now we can finally solve the mystery... 413 00:16:47,853 --> 00:16:49,218 of the hitchhiking ghouls. 414 00:16:49,254 --> 00:16:51,279 Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are. 415 00:16:51,323 --> 00:16:52,790 l don't think they are masks. 416 00:16:52,825 --> 00:16:53,985 DAPHNE: And l don't think... 417 00:16:54,026 --> 00:16:55,891 that they're hitchhiking girls, either. 418 00:16:55,928 --> 00:16:57,953 Ghouls, you fuckin' moron, not girls. 419 00:16:59,098 --> 00:17:01,089 l wish they were hitchhiking girls-- 420 00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,124 sexy hitchhiking girls. 421 00:17:03,168 --> 00:17:04,328 FRED: Let's kick 'em out. 422 00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:05,837 We've got a mystery to solve. 423 00:17:05,871 --> 00:17:08,567 The only mystery here is why we take our cues... 424 00:17:08,607 --> 00:17:10,404 from a dick in a neckerchief. 425 00:17:10,442 --> 00:17:11,568 Keep it up, beatnik. 426 00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:13,168 l'll feed you to the fuckin' dog! 427 00:17:13,212 --> 00:17:15,942 l can't take all of this fighting! 428 00:17:15,981 --> 00:17:17,312 Yo! 429 00:17:18,484 --> 00:17:21,749 Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down. 430 00:17:21,787 --> 00:17:24,119 And l gotjust the thing for that. 431 00:17:24,156 --> 00:17:25,987 We call it... 432 00:17:26,025 --> 00:17:28,016 Doobie Snacks. 433 00:17:31,997 --> 00:17:34,659 STEPPENWOLF: l like to dream 434 00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:36,327 Yes, yes 435 00:17:36,368 --> 00:17:38,700 Right between the sound machine 436 00:17:40,305 --> 00:17:42,967 On a cloud ofsight l drift in the night 437 00:17:43,008 --> 00:17:46,307 Anyplace it goes is right, Goes far 438 00:17:46,345 --> 00:17:47,539 [Ruff ruff] 439 00:17:47,579 --> 00:17:49,479 To the stars away from here, well 440 00:17:49,515 --> 00:17:51,642 Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob. 441 00:17:51,684 --> 00:17:53,481 We can find 442 00:17:53,519 --> 00:17:55,953 [Laughs] 443 00:17:57,556 --> 00:18:00,184 -l think they passed out. -Great. 444 00:18:00,225 --> 00:18:01,817 FRED: What do we do with them now? 445 00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:04,158 Let's cut out their kidneys and sell it to the black market... 446 00:18:04,196 --> 00:18:08,064 and leave 'em in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. 447 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,193 Aaah! 448 00:18:10,235 --> 00:18:11,566 No, no, no! 449 00:18:16,141 --> 00:18:18,075 You see something? See anything? 450 00:18:19,078 --> 00:18:21,876 Fuck, man, l had a horrible dream. 451 00:18:23,148 --> 00:18:26,208 Yo, man, l'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast? 452 00:18:31,123 --> 00:18:34,456 CHORUS: Who's a friend to the king of all the monkeys 453 00:18:34,493 --> 00:18:37,587 [Cow moos] 454 00:18:37,629 --> 00:18:39,324 Yeah. 455 00:18:39,364 --> 00:18:41,355 ["Mooby the Golden Calf" plays indistinctly] 456 00:18:45,637 --> 00:18:48,538 Ooh, check that shit out, man, the lnternet. 457 00:18:48,574 --> 00:18:50,132 Let's see if those fucks wrote something new... 458 00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:52,666 about us and that stupid-ass flick. 459 00:18:52,711 --> 00:18:54,008 [Gunshot on computer] 460 00:18:54,046 --> 00:18:55,240 [Mouse button clicks] 461 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,407 "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob... 462 00:18:57,449 --> 00:18:58,746 "are gonna lick balls... 463 00:18:58,784 --> 00:19:01,344 "because they both, in fact, lick balls." 464 00:19:01,386 --> 00:19:02,751 Motherfucker. 465 00:19:02,788 --> 00:19:04,483 lt's time we wrote something back. 466 00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:06,855 Type this shit down. 467 00:19:06,892 --> 00:19:09,861 All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. 468 00:19:09,895 --> 00:19:13,331 You all are the ones who are the ball-lickers. 469 00:19:13,365 --> 00:19:15,162 We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch... 470 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,100 and cry like little whiny bitches. 471 00:19:17,136 --> 00:19:20,105 Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks... 472 00:19:20,139 --> 00:19:21,572 who is makin' the movie... 473 00:19:21,607 --> 00:19:23,336 we're gonna make them eat our shit... 474 00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:25,036 then shit out our shit... 475 00:19:25,077 --> 00:19:27,045 and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit... 476 00:19:27,079 --> 00:19:28,239 that we made 'em eat. 477 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,771 And then all you motherfucks are next. 478 00:19:30,816 --> 00:19:33,341 Love, Jay and Silent Bob. 479 00:19:33,385 --> 00:19:34,545 [Gunshot on computer] 480 00:19:34,586 --> 00:19:35,814 JA Y: That'll show those fucks. 481 00:19:35,854 --> 00:19:37,481 Now we can eat our Egg-a-Mooby Muffin... 482 00:19:37,523 --> 00:19:38,717 then get back on the road... 483 00:19:38,757 --> 00:19:40,384 go to Hollywood, and stop those fucks... 484 00:19:40,425 --> 00:19:41,653 from makin' that movie. 485 00:19:41,693 --> 00:19:44,127 No more hairy-bush nuns, no more dogs. 486 00:19:44,163 --> 00:19:47,223 We keep our eye on the prize and let nothing... 487 00:19:47,266 --> 00:19:49,700 and l mean nothing, distract us. 488 00:19:53,438 --> 00:19:55,963 [Cow moos] 489 00:19:59,444 --> 00:20:01,344 Holy shit. 490 00:20:05,417 --> 00:20:09,217 BON JOVl: Your love is like bad medicine 491 00:20:09,254 --> 00:20:12,189 Bad medicine is what l need 492 00:20:12,224 --> 00:20:14,089 Whoa oh oh, shake it up 493 00:20:14,126 --> 00:20:17,186 Just like bad medicine 494 00:20:17,229 --> 00:20:20,858 There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease 495 00:20:27,406 --> 00:20:28,771 Bad medicine 496 00:20:28,807 --> 00:20:30,798 [Music stops] 497 00:20:33,545 --> 00:20:34,944 l ain't got a fever 498 00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:37,175 Got a permanent disease 499 00:20:37,216 --> 00:20:39,207 [Music stops] 500 00:20:41,787 --> 00:20:43,652 lt'll take more than a doctor 501 00:20:43,689 --> 00:20:46,123 To prescribe a remedy 502 00:20:46,158 --> 00:20:49,423 l got all the symptoms, count 'em, 1, 2, 3 503 00:20:49,461 --> 00:20:50,951 First l need 504 00:20:50,996 --> 00:20:53,863 That's what you get for falling in love 505 00:20:53,899 --> 00:20:55,526 [Gasping] 506 00:20:55,567 --> 00:20:57,330 You get a little, but it's never enough 507 00:20:57,369 --> 00:20:58,859 On your knees 508 00:20:58,904 --> 00:21:01,270 That's what you get for falling in love 509 00:21:02,374 --> 00:21:03,705 Oh, my God. 510 00:21:03,742 --> 00:21:05,403 Do you get free refills with that? 511 00:21:05,444 --> 00:21:07,071 Oh, what, this? 512 00:21:07,112 --> 00:21:08,773 No, l use this for protection, you know... 513 00:21:08,814 --> 00:21:11,749 so no guys try to grab my shit or anything. 514 00:21:11,783 --> 00:21:14,047 Ha ha! Hi, l'm Justice. 515 00:21:14,086 --> 00:21:16,145 And l am so fuckin' yours. 516 00:21:17,756 --> 00:21:19,053 l mean, hi. l'm Jay... 517 00:21:19,091 --> 00:21:21,651 and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob. 518 00:21:21,693 --> 00:21:22,887 lt's nice to meet you. 519 00:21:22,928 --> 00:21:24,088 JA Y: Justice, huh? 520 00:21:24,129 --> 00:21:25,687 That's a nice name. 521 00:21:25,731 --> 00:21:27,426 [Quietly] Jay and Justice 522 00:21:27,466 --> 00:21:29,024 Sittin' in a tree 523 00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:32,628 F-U-C-K-l-N-G 524 00:21:32,671 --> 00:21:34,434 So, you come around here often? 525 00:21:34,473 --> 00:21:36,236 Oh, l'm not from around here. 526 00:21:36,275 --> 00:21:38,072 My friends and l are on a road trip. 527 00:21:38,110 --> 00:21:39,907 Your friends, huh? Where they at? 528 00:21:39,945 --> 00:21:42,277 JUSTlCE: Oh. Let's see. 529 00:21:42,314 --> 00:21:44,942 Out there by that van. 530 00:21:44,983 --> 00:21:47,781 RUN-DMC: Unconceivable, unbelievable 531 00:21:47,819 --> 00:21:50,447 Grammar like a hammer, information receivable 532 00:21:50,489 --> 00:21:52,582 Sent by the Lord, here and abroad 533 00:21:52,624 --> 00:21:55,491 With words that were thought they could retort 534 00:21:55,527 --> 00:21:58,291 For force because that makes run the boss 535 00:21:58,330 --> 00:22:01,299 So get lost because ljust tossed the poss 536 00:22:01,333 --> 00:22:03,494 Make way today, and ifl may, l say 537 00:22:03,535 --> 00:22:04,934 l make pay with Jay 538 00:22:04,970 --> 00:22:06,267 So get away, OK 539 00:22:06,305 --> 00:22:07,465 Hi. 540 00:22:07,506 --> 00:22:09,997 Dude, l think l just filled the cup. 541 00:22:13,011 --> 00:22:14,740 Ladies, ladies, ladies. 542 00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:18,011 Jay and Silent Bob are in the hiz-house. 543 00:22:18,050 --> 00:22:20,348 Who the fuck are these guys? 544 00:22:20,385 --> 00:22:22,979 This is Jay and Silent Bob. 545 00:22:23,021 --> 00:22:24,784 Guys, this is Sissy... 546 00:22:24,823 --> 00:22:26,791 Missy, and Chrissy. Here. 547 00:22:26,825 --> 00:22:28,292 Where the fuck did they come from? 548 00:22:28,327 --> 00:22:30,227 JUSTlCE: l met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride. 549 00:22:30,262 --> 00:22:33,231 SlSSY: Yeah, l don't know if that's such a good idea, Jussy. 550 00:22:33,265 --> 00:22:34,994 JA Y: Sure it is, Juggs. 551 00:22:35,033 --> 00:22:36,762 MlSSY: Oh, my God. 552 00:22:36,802 --> 00:22:38,429 He just called Sissy "Juggs." 553 00:22:38,470 --> 00:22:40,563 -l'm on it. -Chrissy, no. 554 00:22:40,605 --> 00:22:41,867 We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy. 555 00:22:41,907 --> 00:22:43,067 Let's try and act like it. 556 00:22:43,108 --> 00:22:45,303 What's with the knife? We having cake or something? 557 00:22:45,344 --> 00:22:47,972 Shit. He's retarded to boot. 558 00:22:48,013 --> 00:22:50,106 Yo, she called you retarded. 559 00:22:50,148 --> 00:22:51,706 SlSSY: What is wrong with you, Justice? 560 00:22:51,750 --> 00:22:53,479 You do remember where we're going, don't you? 561 00:22:53,518 --> 00:22:55,008 And we have a job to do? 562 00:22:55,053 --> 00:22:56,680 They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. 563 00:22:56,722 --> 00:22:58,053 They won't get in the way, l swear. 564 00:22:58,090 --> 00:22:59,318 l swear, l don't know what's going on... 565 00:22:59,358 --> 00:23:00,916 in your fuckin' brain lately. 566 00:23:00,959 --> 00:23:02,153 Please? 567 00:23:02,194 --> 00:23:04,560 Look, fine. They can ride with us... 568 00:23:04,596 --> 00:23:06,325 but they are so out of here before we get to Boulder. 569 00:23:06,365 --> 00:23:08,663 -Honest lnjun. -[Mocking] Honest lnjun. 570 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:09,860 Shut up. 571 00:23:09,901 --> 00:23:11,732 God, l can't believe what a pushover you are. 572 00:23:11,770 --> 00:23:14,705 l can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourself eat that shit. 573 00:23:14,740 --> 00:23:17,334 Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? 574 00:23:17,376 --> 00:23:19,844 Hey, what's all this talk about farting? 575 00:23:19,878 --> 00:23:22,711 WOMEN: Hi, Brent. 576 00:23:22,748 --> 00:23:24,409 This is Brent. 577 00:23:24,449 --> 00:23:25,882 He's with us, too. 578 00:23:25,917 --> 00:23:28,408 Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. 579 00:23:28,453 --> 00:23:33,186 Oh, of course they don't. Only skeevy stoners fart. 580 00:23:33,225 --> 00:23:35,284 What up, homies? 581 00:23:35,327 --> 00:23:40,629 Wow. Three guys, four girls. What's the count, boys? 582 00:23:40,665 --> 00:23:41,962 Let's rock. 583 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,363 BRENT: Hey, Mr. Science Guy 584 00:23:45,404 --> 00:23:48,464 Don't spray that aerosol in my eye 585 00:23:48,507 --> 00:23:49,974 For l do-- 586 00:23:50,008 --> 00:23:51,805 For l-- 587 00:23:51,843 --> 00:23:54,038 l don't really wanna die 588 00:23:55,447 --> 00:23:58,541 l'm a noble rabbit 589 00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,279 What are you guys, like a cover band or something? 590 00:24:01,319 --> 00:24:03,787 We're the Kansas State chapter of SAAC-- 591 00:24:03,822 --> 00:24:05,722 Students Against Animal Cruelty. 592 00:24:05,757 --> 00:24:07,520 And we're on our way to Colorado... 593 00:24:07,559 --> 00:24:09,652 to give Provasik a piece of our minds. 594 00:24:09,694 --> 00:24:11,719 -Whoo! Yeah! -Whoo hoo! 595 00:24:11,763 --> 00:24:14,732 What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? 596 00:24:14,766 --> 00:24:16,063 Hey! 597 00:24:16,101 --> 00:24:17,932 Watch the language, little boy. 598 00:24:17,969 --> 00:24:20,631 There's females present. Huh. 599 00:24:20,672 --> 00:24:22,765 JUSTlCE: Provasik Pharmaceuticals... 600 00:24:22,808 --> 00:24:24,207 is a medical lab where they perform... 601 00:24:24,242 --> 00:24:25,869 gross experiments on animals. 602 00:24:25,911 --> 00:24:27,674 JA Y: What kind of animals are we talkin' about here? 603 00:24:27,712 --> 00:24:30,010 Bears, rhinos, and shit? 604 00:24:30,048 --> 00:24:35,680 No, more like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers. 605 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,278 Heck, even monkeys. 606 00:24:37,322 --> 00:24:39,813 lf we don't speak up for them, who will? 607 00:24:39,858 --> 00:24:41,951 Right, Jussy? 608 00:24:41,993 --> 00:24:43,358 Right, Brent. 609 00:24:43,395 --> 00:24:45,158 [Chuckles] 610 00:24:48,867 --> 00:24:51,529 Uh, Brent, can l talk to you over here for a second? 611 00:24:51,570 --> 00:24:52,901 Yeah, sure. 612 00:24:57,742 --> 00:24:59,369 [Sniffs] 613 00:24:59,411 --> 00:25:00,969 Be honest, yo, you're down with this... 614 00:25:01,012 --> 00:25:02,912 for the fine-ass pussy, right? 615 00:25:02,948 --> 00:25:07,908 [Scoffs] l'm down with this because l love animals, stupid. 616 00:25:07,953 --> 00:25:09,181 Even sheep? 617 00:25:09,221 --> 00:25:10,381 Of course. 618 00:25:10,422 --> 00:25:12,390 Sheep are beautiful creatures. 619 00:25:12,424 --> 00:25:14,585 They are beautiful, aren't they? 620 00:25:14,626 --> 00:25:16,184 Oh, God, yes. 621 00:25:16,228 --> 00:25:18,458 So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right? 622 00:25:18,497 --> 00:25:20,658 What is your damage, little boy? 623 00:25:20,699 --> 00:25:23,600 You got a sick and twisted world perspective. 624 00:25:23,635 --> 00:25:26,798 No, you're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. 625 00:25:26,838 --> 00:25:29,204 l mean, if you were another sheep... 626 00:25:29,241 --> 00:25:32,733 would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? 627 00:25:32,777 --> 00:25:38,545 Oh. Since you put it that way, you bet your ass l would. 628 00:25:38,583 --> 00:25:40,141 [lnhales] Thought so. 629 00:25:40,185 --> 00:25:41,345 [Chuckles] 630 00:25:41,386 --> 00:25:42,944 Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us! 631 00:25:42,988 --> 00:25:44,353 He said he'd fuck a sheep! 632 00:25:44,389 --> 00:25:45,754 Wait! No! 633 00:25:45,790 --> 00:25:46,984 Aaah! Unhh! 634 00:25:47,025 --> 00:25:48,185 [Guitar crunches musically] 635 00:25:48,226 --> 00:25:50,990 Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker! 636 00:25:58,770 --> 00:26:02,103 PJ HARVEY: l can't believe life's so complex 637 00:26:02,140 --> 00:26:03,300 What the fuck are we gonna do now? 638 00:26:03,341 --> 00:26:04,865 Shut up, l'm thinking. 639 00:26:06,011 --> 00:26:07,774 ls Hollywood near where we're going? 640 00:26:07,812 --> 00:26:09,507 ls that where you guys are from? 641 00:26:09,548 --> 00:26:11,709 Yeah, right. Jersey represent. 642 00:26:11,750 --> 00:26:13,411 JUSTlCE: Oh. 643 00:26:13,451 --> 00:26:14,850 A Jersey boy. 644 00:26:14,886 --> 00:26:17,047 Well, what brings you all the way out here? 645 00:26:17,088 --> 00:26:18,851 We couldn't hang around the Quick Stop no more... 646 00:26:18,890 --> 00:26:20,187 'cause of the restraining order... 647 00:26:20,225 --> 00:26:21,852 which sucks ass 'cause it's been like... 648 00:26:21,893 --> 00:26:23,952 mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kids. 649 00:26:23,995 --> 00:26:26,293 Silent Bob even busted his cherry there. 650 00:26:26,331 --> 00:26:28,231 You did? 651 00:26:28,266 --> 00:26:31,565 Oh, l bet she was a lucky girl. 652 00:26:32,837 --> 00:26:33,997 [Chuckles] 653 00:26:34,039 --> 00:26:35,904 Look, fuck that fat fuck. 654 00:26:35,941 --> 00:26:37,841 l'm trying to tell a story here. 655 00:26:37,876 --> 00:26:39,070 Oh. Sorry. 656 00:26:40,312 --> 00:26:42,143 Anyway, we were talking to Brodie... 657 00:26:42,180 --> 00:26:44,080 and he told us about the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie. 658 00:26:44,115 --> 00:26:45,412 So we went to see Holden McNeil... 659 00:26:45,450 --> 00:26:47,611 and he showed us the lnternet. And that's where we found... 660 00:26:47,652 --> 00:26:48,949 all these little fuckin' jerkoffs... 661 00:26:48,987 --> 00:26:50,147 talkin' shit about us. 662 00:26:50,188 --> 00:26:51,416 So we decided to go to Hollywood... 663 00:26:51,456 --> 00:26:52,889 and stop the movie from gettin' made. 664 00:26:52,924 --> 00:26:54,084 And now we're here. 665 00:26:54,125 --> 00:26:56,923 l have no idea what you just said. 666 00:26:56,962 --> 00:26:59,658 l get that a lot. So you like animals, huh? 667 00:26:59,698 --> 00:27:00,790 Sure. 668 00:27:00,832 --> 00:27:02,459 That's cool. Even snakes? 669 00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:03,967 Well, you can't exclude an animal... 670 00:27:04,002 --> 00:27:05,230 just 'cause they're not cuddly. 671 00:27:05,270 --> 00:27:06,794 Of course l like snakes. 672 00:27:06,838 --> 00:27:08,305 How 'bout trouser snakes? 673 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:10,672 Ooh. What's a trouser snake? 674 00:27:10,709 --> 00:27:11,869 Uh... 675 00:27:11,910 --> 00:27:13,571 [Deep laughter] 676 00:27:15,413 --> 00:27:17,438 What the fuck are you waiting for? 677 00:27:17,482 --> 00:27:18,779 She went for the setup. 678 00:27:18,817 --> 00:27:21,581 Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch. 679 00:27:21,620 --> 00:27:23,144 Girls like that kind of shit. 680 00:27:23,188 --> 00:27:25,918 [Deep laughter] 681 00:27:25,957 --> 00:27:27,117 Right about here's... 682 00:27:27,158 --> 00:27:28,455 where the angel's supposed to show up... 683 00:27:28,493 --> 00:27:30,358 and tell you not to pull your dick out... 684 00:27:30,395 --> 00:27:31,953 but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker... 685 00:27:31,997 --> 00:27:34,795 and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing. 686 00:27:34,833 --> 00:27:36,494 Let him rip, boy. 687 00:27:41,706 --> 00:27:46,336 Jesus loves the little children 688 00:27:46,378 --> 00:27:47,675 Oh, sorry l'm late. 689 00:27:47,712 --> 00:27:49,373 So what's the deal here? 690 00:27:50,715 --> 00:27:52,205 Oh, shit. Don't tell me you're... 691 00:27:52,250 --> 00:27:53,547 thinkin' of whippin' your dick out... 692 00:27:53,585 --> 00:27:55,280 at this fine piece of woman, are you? 693 00:27:56,855 --> 00:27:59,289 Tell you what. Look over at Silent Bob... 694 00:27:59,324 --> 00:28:00,882 and see if he thinks it's a good idea... 695 00:28:00,925 --> 00:28:02,859 you whip your dick out. 696 00:28:02,894 --> 00:28:04,987 [Choir singing] 697 00:28:05,030 --> 00:28:07,897 That's it, boy. Put the dick down. 698 00:28:07,932 --> 00:28:10,162 You gotta go from the heart, yo. 699 00:28:10,201 --> 00:28:13,034 No little perv bullshit's gonna work for this one. 700 00:28:13,071 --> 00:28:14,834 Be smooth. 701 00:28:14,873 --> 00:28:16,841 Be Don Juan de la Nooch. 702 00:28:16,875 --> 00:28:18,433 l gotta go beat the shit outta... 703 00:28:18,476 --> 00:28:20,444 two sucker-punchin' little bitches. 704 00:28:20,478 --> 00:28:23,914 Remember, don't pull your dick out until she asks... 705 00:28:23,948 --> 00:28:25,438 or until she's sleepin'. 706 00:28:25,483 --> 00:28:26,882 Bye. 707 00:28:31,056 --> 00:28:32,318 Don't ask. 708 00:28:32,357 --> 00:28:34,188 So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself... 709 00:28:34,225 --> 00:28:35,590 do to help the animals? 710 00:28:35,627 --> 00:28:39,358 Oh, you really don't want to help us. 711 00:28:39,397 --> 00:28:40,694 What the fuck are you talkin' about? 712 00:28:40,732 --> 00:28:43,098 Sure l do. l'd do anything for you. 713 00:28:44,769 --> 00:28:45,929 l mean youse guys. 714 00:28:45,970 --> 00:28:47,460 l'd do anything for youse guys... 715 00:28:47,505 --> 00:28:48,995 'cause for the lift and shit. 716 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:50,667 JUSTlCE: OK, well, um... 717 00:28:50,709 --> 00:28:52,472 let me just talk to the other girls... 718 00:28:52,510 --> 00:28:53,670 and get back to you. 719 00:28:53,712 --> 00:28:56,704 Why don't you do that? l'll be right here waitin'. 720 00:29:12,664 --> 00:29:14,188 Fuck you, fatty. 721 00:29:27,812 --> 00:29:29,143 [Door chimes] 722 00:29:31,015 --> 00:29:33,108 -[Door chimes] -Thank you. 723 00:29:33,151 --> 00:29:34,641 Whew. [Sighs] 724 00:29:34,686 --> 00:29:36,586 Uh, you guys want anything from inside? 725 00:29:36,621 --> 00:29:39,021 -No, we're cool. -No? OK. 726 00:30:03,848 --> 00:30:06,282 Just isn't the same, is it? 727 00:30:06,317 --> 00:30:09,684 This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. 728 00:30:09,721 --> 00:30:12,212 Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? 729 00:30:12,257 --> 00:30:13,747 She is too fine. 730 00:30:13,792 --> 00:30:16,488 And she smells so fuckin' pretty. 731 00:30:16,528 --> 00:30:18,359 She has a nice voice, too. 732 00:30:18,396 --> 00:30:20,159 And that body-- 733 00:30:20,198 --> 00:30:21,563 fuckin' smokin'. 734 00:30:21,599 --> 00:30:23,567 You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once... 735 00:30:23,601 --> 00:30:24,761 when l was talkin' to her... 736 00:30:24,803 --> 00:30:27,431 or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. 737 00:30:27,472 --> 00:30:31,533 You know, Lunch Box, she could be the one. 738 00:30:31,576 --> 00:30:33,771 Smooth move, Justice. 739 00:30:33,812 --> 00:30:36,042 -Nice going, four eyes. -Ow! 740 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,672 Why the fuck did you let that little stoner... 741 00:30:37,715 --> 00:30:39,012 throw Brent out of the van? 742 00:30:39,050 --> 00:30:40,381 JUSTlCE: Oh, please. lfl had to listen... 743 00:30:40,418 --> 00:30:41,783 to one more of those stupid songs... 744 00:30:41,820 --> 00:30:43,185 l was gonna throw him out myself. 745 00:30:43,221 --> 00:30:46,588 We needed Brent, Justice. He was our patsy, remember? 746 00:30:46,624 --> 00:30:47,921 We'll just find someone else. 747 00:30:47,959 --> 00:30:49,119 Besides, l didn't see you trying... 748 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,320 to stop Jay from throwing him out. 749 00:30:50,361 --> 00:30:51,988 Yeah, l didn't want to blow our cover. 750 00:30:52,030 --> 00:30:54,123 Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs, too. 751 00:30:54,165 --> 00:30:55,530 Not as much as l hate you. 752 00:30:55,567 --> 00:30:57,535 We have a very simple gang here, Justice. 753 00:30:57,569 --> 00:30:58,866 l'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn... 754 00:30:58,903 --> 00:31:00,063 and Missy's the tech girl... 755 00:31:00,104 --> 00:31:01,401 but lately, l'm having a little trouble... 756 00:31:01,439 --> 00:31:02,997 figuring out what you're doing here. 757 00:31:03,041 --> 00:31:05,066 Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. 758 00:31:05,109 --> 00:31:07,100 Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince... 759 00:31:07,145 --> 00:31:09,010 the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. 760 00:31:09,047 --> 00:31:10,947 They've gotta break into Provasik now. 761 00:31:10,982 --> 00:31:12,210 Uh-uh. 762 00:31:12,250 --> 00:31:15,151 Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're out of the gang, Justice. 763 00:31:15,186 --> 00:31:17,484 Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him... 764 00:31:17,522 --> 00:31:19,683 since he's so fucking in love with you. 765 00:31:19,724 --> 00:31:21,282 Jay? No, he's not. 766 00:31:21,326 --> 00:31:22,725 What am l, blind? 767 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,751 He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van... 768 00:31:24,796 --> 00:31:26,286 like he was fucking Lord Byron? 769 00:31:26,331 --> 00:31:28,595 Well, maybe he just has manners. 770 00:31:30,401 --> 00:31:32,232 Yo, baby, you ever have your asshole licked... 771 00:31:32,270 --> 00:31:35,034 by a fat man in an overcoat? 772 00:31:35,073 --> 00:31:36,540 Yeah. 773 00:31:36,574 --> 00:31:38,201 We got about two hours before we get to Boulder. 774 00:31:38,243 --> 00:31:39,710 That'll give you plenty of time to work on him. 775 00:31:39,744 --> 00:31:41,974 -l'm not gonna do it. -Why the fuck not? 776 00:31:42,013 --> 00:31:43,537 Because he's just so innocent! 777 00:31:43,581 --> 00:31:45,242 Look at him. 778 00:31:45,283 --> 00:31:47,217 [Squeaking] 779 00:31:47,252 --> 00:31:49,914 Who's it gonna be, Jussy, him or us? 780 00:31:53,091 --> 00:31:55,525 Steal a monkey? Shit, no problem. 781 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:59,018 lt's not stealing a monkey. l mean, it's liberating it-- 782 00:31:59,063 --> 00:32:01,463 Wait a second. 783 00:32:01,499 --> 00:32:03,126 Did you say "no problem"? 784 00:32:03,167 --> 00:32:05,328 Yeah. Fuck, we steal monkeys all the time. 785 00:32:05,370 --> 00:32:06,564 Right, Lunch Box? 786 00:32:08,473 --> 00:32:10,668 Well, it's not like it's a bad thing. 787 00:32:10,708 --> 00:32:12,642 l mean, it's for a good cause. 788 00:32:12,677 --> 00:32:17,114 Oh, it's for the best cause, ma cherie--the cause of love. 789 00:32:18,249 --> 00:32:19,807 Snoogans. 790 00:32:19,851 --> 00:32:22,581 -What the heck is that? -What's what? 791 00:32:22,620 --> 00:32:24,247 Snoogans, l believe it was. 792 00:32:24,289 --> 00:32:25,916 What the fuck do you think it means? 793 00:32:25,957 --> 00:32:29,950 -lt means l'm kidding. -Oh. Well, that's too bad. 794 00:32:29,994 --> 00:32:31,985 [Music plays quietly] 795 00:32:36,801 --> 00:32:40,100 l can't believe l'm gonna get some pussy 796 00:32:40,138 --> 00:32:42,129 For stealing the monkey 797 00:32:42,173 --> 00:32:43,834 Stealing the little monk-- 798 00:32:44,842 --> 00:32:46,241 lf l had known that shit earlier... 799 00:32:46,277 --> 00:32:47,437 man, l'd have been stealin' monkeys... 800 00:32:47,478 --> 00:32:49,776 since l was, like, seven and shit. 801 00:32:49,814 --> 00:32:52,180 Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin this for me. 802 00:32:52,216 --> 00:32:53,706 Me and Justice are gonna get married one day... 803 00:32:53,751 --> 00:32:55,378 so don't be giving me no look like, "Oh... 804 00:32:55,420 --> 00:32:57,115 "we ain't gonna steal the monkey and shit." 805 00:32:57,155 --> 00:32:58,782 l'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch. 806 00:32:58,823 --> 00:32:59,983 Don't forget that. 807 00:33:00,024 --> 00:33:03,289 That girl-- that girl's in love with me. 808 00:33:03,328 --> 00:33:05,125 They're gonna do it. 809 00:33:05,163 --> 00:33:08,963 Good. They do their part, and we'll do ours. 810 00:33:24,115 --> 00:33:27,084 Oh, hey, remember. We meet back here when you're done. 811 00:33:27,118 --> 00:33:28,551 You sure you're OK with this? 812 00:33:28,586 --> 00:33:30,611 As sure as l am that you're the hottest bitch l ever seen. 813 00:33:30,655 --> 00:33:32,680 -Fucker! -Easy, tigress. 814 00:33:32,724 --> 00:33:35,192 What's twistin' this bitch's tit? 815 00:33:35,226 --> 00:33:38,389 Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay. 816 00:33:38,429 --> 00:33:40,397 They don't? 817 00:33:40,431 --> 00:33:42,228 How 'bout "fine piece of ass"? 818 00:33:42,266 --> 00:33:43,494 How about not? 819 00:33:43,534 --> 00:33:45,331 What the fuck am l supposed to call you, then? 820 00:33:45,370 --> 00:33:46,997 Something sweet, you big goof. 821 00:33:47,038 --> 00:33:48,733 Something nice. 822 00:33:49,874 --> 00:33:51,068 Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck? 823 00:33:51,109 --> 00:33:52,269 [Justice laughs] 824 00:33:52,310 --> 00:33:55,677 OK, that's a start. [Chuckles] 825 00:33:55,713 --> 00:33:57,340 Jay, uh, before you go... 826 00:33:57,382 --> 00:33:59,816 could you say something into the camera about the clitoris? 827 00:33:59,851 --> 00:34:01,148 JUSTlCE: Man, you're such a bitch! 828 00:34:01,185 --> 00:34:04,052 Shut up, Justice. She's just a little embarrassed. 829 00:34:04,088 --> 00:34:06,056 See, Jussy and l are putting together this documentary... 830 00:34:06,090 --> 00:34:08,058 for our human sexuality class... 831 00:34:08,092 --> 00:34:10,890 and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. 832 00:34:10,928 --> 00:34:13,055 The female clitoris? 833 00:34:13,097 --> 00:34:14,257 Uh, yeah. 834 00:34:14,298 --> 00:34:15,822 Jay, you know, you don't have to do this. 835 00:34:15,867 --> 00:34:17,027 No, it's cool, hon. 836 00:34:17,068 --> 00:34:18,660 There's a few things l could say about the clit... 837 00:34:18,703 --> 00:34:19,931 l'd like you to hear. 838 00:34:19,971 --> 00:34:21,529 [Jay clears throat] 839 00:34:23,107 --> 00:34:25,473 l am the master of the clit! 840 00:34:25,510 --> 00:34:26,875 Remember this fucking face! 841 00:34:26,911 --> 00:34:29,345 Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. 842 00:34:29,380 --> 00:34:31,280 l make that shit work! 843 00:34:31,315 --> 00:34:33,146 No one rules the clit like me. 844 00:34:33,184 --> 00:34:34,412 Not this little fuck... 845 00:34:34,452 --> 00:34:36,420 none of you little fucks out there. 846 00:34:36,454 --> 00:34:38,854 l am the clit commander! 847 00:34:38,890 --> 00:34:40,289 When it comes down to business... 848 00:34:40,324 --> 00:34:42,622 this is what l do-- l pinch it like this. 849 00:34:42,660 --> 00:34:45,151 Ooh, you little fuck. 850 00:34:45,196 --> 00:34:46,720 Then l rub my nose... 851 00:34:47,932 --> 00:34:50,560 Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger. 852 00:34:50,601 --> 00:34:52,967 -Oh, l will. -Girls. 853 00:34:54,639 --> 00:34:58,131 So, you think l could get a little kiss for good luck? 854 00:35:02,947 --> 00:35:05,916 Think l can get a little blow job for good luck? 855 00:35:07,318 --> 00:35:08,876 No. Go. 856 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:10,114 Fuck. 857 00:35:14,959 --> 00:35:17,359 JA Y: Get offmy Kool-Aid, motherfucker! 858 00:35:31,042 --> 00:35:32,839 Jussy, come on. 859 00:35:42,887 --> 00:35:45,754 [Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh] 860 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,313 They in? 861 00:36:10,348 --> 00:36:11,781 You could say that. 862 00:36:11,816 --> 00:36:13,943 Time to shine. Let's go. 863 00:37:10,608 --> 00:37:12,041 You are so gay. 864 00:37:18,382 --> 00:37:20,247 All right, once we get upstairs... 865 00:37:20,284 --> 00:37:21,774 l want complete silence. 866 00:37:21,819 --> 00:37:24,049 Missy whipped this up. lt counts our decibel level. 867 00:37:24,088 --> 00:37:26,318 lf it goes into the red-- alarm, we're dead. 868 00:37:26,357 --> 00:37:28,518 So that means not even the slightest noise. You got that? 869 00:37:28,559 --> 00:37:29,719 -l got it. -Good. 870 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,921 [Beeps, clicks, buzzes] 871 00:37:31,963 --> 00:37:33,453 [Chuckles] Meow. 872 00:37:39,503 --> 00:37:41,562 Justice, move your ass! 873 00:37:47,979 --> 00:37:51,039 [Animal noises] 874 00:38:03,895 --> 00:38:05,055 Whoa. 875 00:38:05,096 --> 00:38:08,190 Check this shit out, Lunch Box-- animal tranquilizer. 876 00:38:08,232 --> 00:38:10,826 This shit fucks you up like Percocet. 877 00:38:10,868 --> 00:38:12,165 Hold this. 878 00:38:14,472 --> 00:38:16,906 Keep this shit, so later me and Justice... 879 00:38:16,941 --> 00:38:20,433 can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies. 880 00:38:20,478 --> 00:38:21,877 Unh, unh. 881 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:24,074 Bong! 882 00:38:28,152 --> 00:38:30,143 [Animal noises] 883 00:38:34,492 --> 00:38:35,686 [Fart] 884 00:38:43,234 --> 00:38:44,929 JA Y: Suzanne. 885 00:38:46,904 --> 00:38:48,098 Boo-ya. 886 00:39:41,993 --> 00:39:43,187 Ah 887 00:40:29,874 --> 00:40:31,068 [Cracks neck] 888 00:40:44,422 --> 00:40:45,980 [Farts] 889 00:40:46,023 --> 00:40:47,183 [Buzzes] 890 00:40:47,224 --> 00:40:49,590 [Alarm blares] 891 00:40:49,627 --> 00:40:52,323 Holy fuck! The little stoner was right! 892 00:40:52,363 --> 00:40:54,058 Jesus. 893 00:40:58,302 --> 00:40:59,792 Move, move, move! 894 00:41:04,508 --> 00:41:05,873 Move ass! 895 00:41:06,911 --> 00:41:09,209 l can't believe it. Months of planning... 896 00:41:09,246 --> 00:41:10,543 and it's all blown by a fucking fart. 897 00:41:10,581 --> 00:41:11,878 You can't just leave 'em here like this. 898 00:41:11,916 --> 00:41:13,679 That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute. 899 00:41:13,717 --> 00:41:15,014 That's always been the plan, Justice. 900 00:41:15,052 --> 00:41:16,212 They take the heat off of us long enough... 901 00:41:16,253 --> 00:41:17,277 until we can get out of town. 902 00:41:17,321 --> 00:41:18,515 But-- 903 00:41:21,725 --> 00:41:22,885 -[Beeping] -Ha ha. 904 00:41:22,927 --> 00:41:24,724 Kaboom, you little stoner fucks. 905 00:41:25,729 --> 00:41:27,629 Let's go! lt's set! 906 00:41:27,665 --> 00:41:28,893 -Whoo! -Ow! 907 00:41:28,933 --> 00:41:32,300 -All right! -[Screaming] 908 00:41:32,336 --> 00:41:34,327 [Quiet grunting] 909 00:41:40,744 --> 00:41:42,803 What the fuck you lookin' at? 910 00:41:42,847 --> 00:41:44,474 There ain't no snacks here, man. 911 00:41:44,515 --> 00:41:47,279 Now, we got what we came for. Let's get the fuck out of here. 912 00:41:50,588 --> 00:41:52,317 Yeah, l know it's sad, man... 913 00:41:52,356 --> 00:41:54,347 but what are we supposed to do about it? 914 00:41:56,961 --> 00:41:58,952 [Cacophony of animal noises] 915 00:42:03,834 --> 00:42:06,769 Yo, just open the door! 916 00:42:08,439 --> 00:42:10,407 Oh, shit. 917 00:42:10,441 --> 00:42:12,432 [Sirens blaring] 918 00:42:17,615 --> 00:42:20,482 Drop the bag! Now! 919 00:42:20,518 --> 00:42:21,849 [Beeps] 920 00:42:37,401 --> 00:42:39,665 [Debris clattering] 921 00:42:48,412 --> 00:42:49,674 No. 922 00:42:51,615 --> 00:42:52,877 Justice. 923 00:42:56,954 --> 00:43:01,391 Justice! 924 00:43:01,425 --> 00:43:03,416 [Choir singing] 925 00:43:12,770 --> 00:43:14,761 [Horn buzzing] 926 00:43:17,908 --> 00:43:19,899 [Police radio squawking] 927 00:43:21,845 --> 00:43:23,813 You mind if l leave that... there? 928 00:43:23,847 --> 00:43:25,041 ls that... 929 00:43:26,183 --> 00:43:27,343 [Sighs] 930 00:43:27,384 --> 00:43:30,285 My, oh, my, oh, my. 931 00:43:30,321 --> 00:43:32,687 Who let the cats out, huh? 932 00:43:32,723 --> 00:43:34,623 Wait. ls that... 933 00:43:34,658 --> 00:43:35,818 MAN: Excuse me. 934 00:43:35,859 --> 00:43:38,020 Who the hell are you? 935 00:43:38,062 --> 00:43:39,222 Federal Wildlife Marshal. 936 00:43:39,263 --> 00:43:41,356 This investigation's now under my jurisdiction. 937 00:43:41,398 --> 00:43:42,558 Oh, really? And why is that? 938 00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,158 Because someone let a whole mess of animals... 939 00:43:44,201 --> 00:43:45,498 out of their cages, sir. 940 00:43:45,536 --> 00:43:47,163 We believe that was just a diversionary tactic... 941 00:43:47,204 --> 00:43:48,967 used to call attention away from the real heist... 942 00:43:49,006 --> 00:43:50,371 over here at the Diamond Exchange. 943 00:43:50,407 --> 00:43:52,967 [Chuckles] Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. 944 00:43:53,010 --> 00:43:55,808 Sounds more like something out of a bad movie. 945 00:43:57,581 --> 00:43:58,741 OFFlCER: Sir... 946 00:43:58,782 --> 00:44:01,046 the Provasik people say they rounded up... 947 00:44:01,085 --> 00:44:05,579 all their animals except for one--an orangutan. 948 00:44:05,623 --> 00:44:08,615 The most dangerous animal known to man. 949 00:44:08,659 --> 00:44:10,854 Sir, this was just delivered to the station. 950 00:44:10,894 --> 00:44:12,828 What is--what is it-- what is it? 951 00:44:12,863 --> 00:44:14,057 A tape of the terrorists who claim responsibility... 952 00:44:14,098 --> 00:44:15,258 for the break-in. 953 00:44:15,299 --> 00:44:16,698 Do you have a VCR? 954 00:44:16,734 --> 00:44:19,202 JAY ON TAPE: l am the clit commander. 955 00:44:19,236 --> 00:44:22,000 Oh, my God. 956 00:44:22,039 --> 00:44:23,870 Plaschke, Willenholly. 957 00:44:23,907 --> 00:44:27,274 Yeah, look, l need you to get me on the national news pronto. 958 00:44:27,311 --> 00:44:30,610 Why? Because we may very well be dealing... 959 00:44:30,648 --> 00:44:33,617 with the two most dangerous men on the planet. 960 00:44:41,458 --> 00:44:43,858 This is Jussy's monkey. 961 00:44:46,397 --> 00:44:48,865 Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck! 962 00:44:48,899 --> 00:44:50,093 [Growls] 963 00:44:51,235 --> 00:44:53,135 Do something, Tons of Fun. 964 00:44:56,073 --> 00:44:57,438 Holy fuck. 965 00:44:57,474 --> 00:44:59,339 ls that thing waving at us? 966 00:44:59,376 --> 00:45:00,900 [Grunting] 967 00:45:00,944 --> 00:45:03,913 Holy shit, it understood us. 968 00:45:03,947 --> 00:45:06,347 Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. 969 00:45:06,383 --> 00:45:07,577 [Razzes] 970 00:45:11,889 --> 00:45:13,516 You're my fuckin' bitch. 971 00:45:13,557 --> 00:45:14,888 You get my back. 972 00:45:14,925 --> 00:45:17,359 Don't be taking this fuckin' chimp's side. 973 00:45:31,375 --> 00:45:34,105 What if there's more super monkeys up at that lab? 974 00:45:34,144 --> 00:45:36,772 Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there. 975 00:45:36,814 --> 00:45:38,679 Holy shit! 976 00:45:38,716 --> 00:45:41,241 Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the "X-Files"... 977 00:45:41,285 --> 00:45:43,310 Roswell-style. 978 00:45:44,455 --> 00:45:45,615 [Razzes] 979 00:45:45,656 --> 00:45:46,816 JA Y: This little monkey... 980 00:45:46,857 --> 00:45:48,449 could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape... 981 00:45:48,492 --> 00:45:51,825 responsible for the fall of the human race. 982 00:45:51,862 --> 00:45:53,295 Aaah! 983 00:45:53,330 --> 00:45:57,198 JA Y: ln this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey... 984 00:45:57,234 --> 00:45:59,896 the monkey will spank us. 985 00:45:59,937 --> 00:46:02,906 l'm not even supposed to be here today. 986 00:46:02,940 --> 00:46:04,100 Aaah! 987 00:46:04,141 --> 00:46:05,972 JA Y: And after the fall ofman... 988 00:46:06,009 --> 00:46:08,375 these monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes... 989 00:46:08,412 --> 00:46:11,279 and rebuilding the world in their image. 990 00:46:11,315 --> 00:46:12,612 [Monkeys screeching] 991 00:46:12,649 --> 00:46:15,618 Oh, when only those as super-smart as me... 992 00:46:15,652 --> 00:46:18,780 will be left alive to bitterly cry... 993 00:46:18,822 --> 00:46:21,313 you maniacs! 994 00:46:21,358 --> 00:46:22,757 Damn youse! 995 00:46:22,793 --> 00:46:27,025 God damn youse all to hell! 996 00:46:29,066 --> 00:46:31,398 Shit. Not on my watch, motherfucker. 997 00:46:31,435 --> 00:46:34,734 Die, you super monkey fuck! Aah! 998 00:46:40,744 --> 00:46:46,080 All right, you can live... for now. 999 00:46:47,584 --> 00:46:50,348 Did you see that shit, man? Bitches love me. 1000 00:46:50,387 --> 00:46:51,877 Come on, let's get something to eat. 1001 00:46:52,990 --> 00:46:54,150 [Razzes] 1002 00:46:54,191 --> 00:46:56,216 What, man, we ain't hiding in the woods no more. 1003 00:46:56,260 --> 00:46:57,625 We gotta get to Hollywood. 1004 00:46:57,661 --> 00:46:59,094 Besides, we're in the clear, yo. 1005 00:46:59,129 --> 00:47:01,962 lt's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. 1006 00:47:01,999 --> 00:47:03,193 Bitch. 1007 00:47:03,233 --> 00:47:04,461 [News theme plays] 1008 00:47:04,501 --> 00:47:07,698 l'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive "News Now" bulletin. 1009 00:47:07,738 --> 00:47:10,366 The Provasik animal-testing facility in Boulder... 1010 00:47:10,407 --> 00:47:12,898 was the focus of an attack by a terroristic... 1011 00:47:12,943 --> 00:47:15,036 primate rescue syndicate calling themselves... 1012 00:47:15,078 --> 00:47:18,775 the Coalition for Liberation of ltinerant Tree-dwellers... 1013 00:47:18,816 --> 00:47:21,114 or simply C.L.l.T. 1014 00:47:21,151 --> 00:47:23,244 ln a videotape sent to authorities this morning... 1015 00:47:23,287 --> 00:47:24,982 credit for the liberation of an orangutan... 1016 00:47:25,022 --> 00:47:28,458 from the lab last night is taken by these men-- 1017 00:47:28,492 --> 00:47:30,517 identified in literature that accompanied the tape... 1018 00:47:30,561 --> 00:47:33,394 as Jay and Silent Bob. 1019 00:47:33,430 --> 00:47:35,591 ln this chilling clip, they make it very clear... 1020 00:47:35,632 --> 00:47:39,466 that they are in control of the C.L.l.T. 1021 00:47:39,503 --> 00:47:41,198 [Distorted] We are the C.L.l. T. None ofyou are safe. 1022 00:47:41,238 --> 00:47:43,502 Now tremble before the might of our merciless leader. 1023 00:47:43,540 --> 00:47:45,735 l am the C.L.l.T. commander! 1024 00:47:45,776 --> 00:47:47,744 Terrifying. 1025 00:47:47,778 --> 00:47:49,507 Now here to help us explain this footage... 1026 00:47:49,546 --> 00:47:51,571 is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly. 1027 00:47:51,615 --> 00:47:53,276 Marshal Willenholly, thanks for joining us. 1028 00:47:53,317 --> 00:47:56,718 At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.l.T.? 1029 00:47:56,753 --> 00:47:58,778 From the intelligence we've been gathering... 1030 00:47:58,822 --> 00:48:00,380 we've discovered that the C.L.l.T... 1031 00:48:00,424 --> 00:48:03,359 is actually a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.l.A. 1032 00:48:03,393 --> 00:48:05,657 Uh, the Liberate Apes Before lmprisoning Apes movement? 1033 00:48:05,696 --> 00:48:06,958 Exactly. 1034 00:48:06,997 --> 00:48:08,897 Now, the two men that you saw in the video... 1035 00:48:08,932 --> 00:48:12,834 they go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. 1036 00:48:12,870 --> 00:48:15,430 lf anyone out there should come across them... 1037 00:48:15,472 --> 00:48:19,067 or any other C.L.l.T.ies, please exercise extreme caution. 1038 00:48:19,109 --> 00:48:22,078 See? Told you that restraining order was a good idea. 1039 00:48:22,112 --> 00:48:23,409 What response do you hope to elicit... 1040 00:48:23,447 --> 00:48:26,211 by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.l.T.? 1041 00:48:26,250 --> 00:48:27,444 lt's a difficult situation. 1042 00:48:27,484 --> 00:48:29,645 You don't want to rub the C.L.l.T. the wrong way. 1043 00:48:29,686 --> 00:48:31,051 Nights like this... 1044 00:48:31,088 --> 00:48:33,056 -l miss dating a lesbian. -[Ring] 1045 00:48:33,090 --> 00:48:34,614 ls that your cell phone, sir? 1046 00:48:34,658 --> 00:48:38,594 Plaschke. Give me a friggin' break. 1047 00:48:38,629 --> 00:48:40,358 l'm on my way. We've got 'em. 1048 00:48:40,397 --> 00:48:42,763 They're in Utah. Citizens of Utah... 1049 00:48:42,799 --> 00:48:45,734 stimulation of the C.L.l.T. is not recommended. 1050 00:48:45,769 --> 00:48:47,703 Well, your plan worked. 1051 00:48:47,738 --> 00:48:50,434 The news is all about Jay, Bob, and your C.L.l. T... 1052 00:48:50,474 --> 00:48:53,102 with almost no mention of the diamond heist. 1053 00:48:53,143 --> 00:48:54,974 l told you those two were the perfect patsies. 1054 00:48:55,012 --> 00:48:56,172 Don't you have any regret? 1055 00:48:56,213 --> 00:48:58,738 Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet. 1056 00:48:58,782 --> 00:49:00,613 The only thing l regret is not gutting... 1057 00:49:00,651 --> 00:49:02,676 that little trout-mouth prick like a fish... 1058 00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:05,745 and playing twister with his vitals. Mmm! 1059 00:49:05,789 --> 00:49:07,051 SlSSY: You know, l don't get you, Justice. 1060 00:49:07,090 --> 00:49:08,887 You used to be all about this girl stuff-- 1061 00:49:08,926 --> 00:49:11,622 stealing, boning, blowing shit up... 1062 00:49:11,662 --> 00:49:13,493 and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. 1063 00:49:13,530 --> 00:49:14,929 lt's really a fucking drag. 1064 00:49:14,965 --> 00:49:16,296 We all gotta grow up sometime. 1065 00:49:16,333 --> 00:49:18,028 Oh, ifmoping around over some boy 1066 00:49:18,068 --> 00:49:19,330 you're crushing on is growing up... 1067 00:49:19,369 --> 00:49:22,167 then pass me my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow! 1068 00:49:22,205 --> 00:49:24,105 Yo, Marvelous Pizza coming thr--hey! 1069 00:49:24,141 --> 00:49:25,301 Hi. 1070 00:49:25,342 --> 00:49:26,604 You the gals that ordered the pizza? 1071 00:49:26,643 --> 00:49:28,372 This dopey bitch ordered a large plain... 1072 00:49:28,412 --> 00:49:32,314 but l could go for some hot thick Sicilian. 1073 00:49:33,317 --> 00:49:34,614 No charge, lady. 1074 00:49:34,651 --> 00:49:36,642 Hurry! [Barks] 1075 00:49:41,825 --> 00:49:43,486 l'm sorry, Jay. 1076 00:49:47,364 --> 00:49:50,197 You know, Justice died trying to save this monkey... 1077 00:49:50,233 --> 00:49:51,598 so maybe we should keep it around. 1078 00:49:51,635 --> 00:49:54,331 That way, we can honor her memory. 1079 00:49:57,541 --> 00:49:59,372 Now ain't you glad we came here to eat? 1080 00:49:59,409 --> 00:50:01,104 And you were all piss-scared... 1081 00:50:01,144 --> 00:50:03,442 we'd get busted by the cops or something. 1082 00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:05,107 You know what l say. 1083 00:50:05,148 --> 00:50:06,615 Fuck the police 1084 00:50:06,650 --> 00:50:08,880 Fuck, fuck, fuck the police 1085 00:50:08,919 --> 00:50:10,944 Yo, yo, fuck the police 1086 00:50:10,988 --> 00:50:12,751 Fuck, fuck, fuck the police 1087 00:50:12,789 --> 00:50:13,949 Yo, fuck 'em 1088 00:50:13,991 --> 00:50:17,222 COP ON MEGAPHONE: This is the Utah State Police. 1089 00:50:17,260 --> 00:50:19,353 Boys, we know you're in there. 1090 00:50:19,396 --> 00:50:22,160 Come on out with your hands in the air... 1091 00:50:22,199 --> 00:50:24,963 and surrender the orangutan. 1092 00:50:25,002 --> 00:50:26,993 Think they're talking about us? 1093 00:50:27,037 --> 00:50:28,868 [Honking] 1094 00:50:32,209 --> 00:50:33,574 Sorry. 1095 00:50:33,610 --> 00:50:34,907 Don't shoot. 1096 00:50:34,945 --> 00:50:36,242 Hold your fire. 1097 00:50:36,279 --> 00:50:37,803 Who the hell are you? 1098 00:50:37,848 --> 00:50:40,715 Federal Wildlife Marshal. ls the monkey in there? 1099 00:50:40,751 --> 00:50:42,150 -The ape. -What? 1100 00:50:42,185 --> 00:50:43,447 Orangutan's a member of the great ape family. 1101 00:50:43,487 --> 00:50:44,647 lt's not a monkey. 1102 00:50:44,688 --> 00:50:46,713 Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here? 1103 00:50:46,757 --> 00:50:48,122 Me or you? 1104 00:50:48,158 --> 00:50:49,955 That's what l thought. Can l use your-- 1105 00:50:53,230 --> 00:50:55,698 Jay and Silent Bob. 1106 00:50:55,732 --> 00:50:57,859 Your C.L.l.T. doesn't stand a chance. 1107 00:50:57,901 --> 00:50:59,232 Anyone not harboring... 1108 00:50:59,269 --> 00:51:01,794 a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. 1109 00:51:01,838 --> 00:51:03,362 We are going to open fire. 1110 00:51:03,407 --> 00:51:05,034 [Patrons scream and chatter] 1111 00:51:05,075 --> 00:51:06,702 What the fuck are you waiting for? 1112 00:51:06,743 --> 00:51:08,370 Get out there and give him the monkey. 1113 00:51:10,247 --> 00:51:13,080 Look, man, fuckin' maybe it ain't so bad up at that lab. 1114 00:51:13,116 --> 00:51:14,606 Maybe they experiment on 'em by making 'em... 1115 00:51:14,651 --> 00:51:16,346 fuck a bunch of different good-lookin' monkeys. 1116 00:51:16,386 --> 00:51:18,251 -We don't know. -[Squeals] 1117 00:51:18,288 --> 00:51:20,017 You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp. 1118 00:51:20,057 --> 00:51:22,082 Fuck, man, l'm no strategist. 1119 00:51:22,125 --> 00:51:23,558 You're the guy who makes the blueprints. 1120 00:51:23,593 --> 00:51:26,061 l don't have the fuckin' smarts of a little... 1121 00:51:29,599 --> 00:51:30,896 kid. 1122 00:51:30,934 --> 00:51:32,299 Do not shoot! 1123 00:51:32,335 --> 00:51:33,996 Don't shoot! 1124 00:51:35,572 --> 00:51:37,540 We're just, uh, trying to take our son... 1125 00:51:37,574 --> 00:51:39,235 out of this hostile environment. 1126 00:51:39,276 --> 00:51:40,709 Their son? 1127 00:51:40,744 --> 00:51:42,041 Maybe they're one of those gay couples. 1128 00:51:42,079 --> 00:51:43,239 [Feedback] 1129 00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:44,440 Yeah, we're gay... 1130 00:51:44,481 --> 00:51:46,472 and this is our adopted love child. 1131 00:51:46,516 --> 00:51:48,245 We're not from around here. 1132 00:51:48,285 --> 00:51:50,651 Don't make us go back to our liberal city home... 1133 00:51:50,687 --> 00:51:52,655 with tales of prejudice and bigotry... 1134 00:51:52,689 --> 00:51:54,316 from in the heart of Utah. 1135 00:51:54,357 --> 00:51:56,825 Oh, God, this is the last thing l need-- 1136 00:51:56,860 --> 00:51:59,454 a bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off... 1137 00:51:59,496 --> 00:52:00,758 to the liberal media... 1138 00:52:00,797 --> 00:52:03,459 that the Federal Wildlife Marshal office persecutes gays. 1139 00:52:03,500 --> 00:52:05,991 Are you fuckin' crazy? Now, they may be gay... 1140 00:52:06,036 --> 00:52:08,061 but that's not their son. That's the ape. 1141 00:52:08,105 --> 00:52:11,233 l think l would recognize an ape if l saw one, OK? 1142 00:52:11,274 --> 00:52:13,071 And the only thing l do recognize right now... 1143 00:52:13,110 --> 00:52:16,409 is the political fiasco here that l'm about to avoid... 1144 00:52:16,446 --> 00:52:18,437 by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go. 1145 00:52:18,482 --> 00:52:19,676 Ahh. 1146 00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:25,488 You are free to leave, sirs. 1147 00:52:27,491 --> 00:52:28,651 Yes, you sirs. 1148 00:52:28,692 --> 00:52:30,956 -So we can just go? -Yes, sir. 1149 00:52:30,994 --> 00:52:32,427 Please accept my apologies... 1150 00:52:32,462 --> 00:52:34,430 for detaining you and your unorthodox... 1151 00:52:34,464 --> 00:52:37,922 but constitutionally protected family unit. 1152 00:52:37,968 --> 00:52:40,266 Un-fuckin'-believable. 1153 00:52:40,303 --> 00:52:42,498 l might add that's one fine-looking boy... 1154 00:52:42,539 --> 00:52:43,699 you're raising there. 1155 00:52:43,740 --> 00:52:46,231 Hell, yeah. That's 'cause he's from my sperm. 1156 00:52:46,276 --> 00:52:48,244 See, l knocked up this hot woman friend of ours... 1157 00:52:48,278 --> 00:52:49,438 who l fuck on the side... 1158 00:52:49,479 --> 00:52:51,174 so l'm not to be all the way gay... 1159 00:52:54,317 --> 00:52:56,376 He loves the cock. 1160 00:52:56,419 --> 00:52:58,683 Well, he certainly looks insatiable. 1161 00:52:59,723 --> 00:53:01,691 -Bye-bye. -Bye-bye. 1162 00:53:01,725 --> 00:53:02,919 [Monkey squeaks] 1163 00:53:07,497 --> 00:53:09,055 Well, it's not my way, but l'll be damned... 1164 00:53:09,099 --> 00:53:10,566 if there doesn't go one happy family. 1165 00:53:12,035 --> 00:53:13,195 WlLLENHOLLY: All right, gang. 1166 00:53:13,236 --> 00:53:15,136 Let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner... 1167 00:53:15,172 --> 00:53:17,163 and then, when the guys come out with the monkey-- 1168 00:53:17,207 --> 00:53:19,971 Fuck beans! That was them, wasn't it? 1169 00:53:20,010 --> 00:53:23,138 Shit, l said you love the cock. 1170 00:53:23,180 --> 00:53:25,478 l gotta be the craftiest motherfucker alive. 1171 00:53:25,515 --> 00:53:27,176 [Gunshot] 1172 00:53:29,219 --> 00:53:31,483 Flee, fat ass, flee! 1173 00:53:33,056 --> 00:53:35,251 [Gunshots] 1174 00:53:39,296 --> 00:53:41,264 Head for the sewer! 1175 00:53:45,435 --> 00:53:46,902 Stage dive! 1176 00:53:46,937 --> 00:53:48,268 Ohh! 1177 00:53:52,709 --> 00:53:53,903 [Thud] 1178 00:53:53,944 --> 00:53:55,138 [Squeaking] 1179 00:53:56,446 --> 00:53:58,778 You fat fuck. 1180 00:53:58,815 --> 00:54:01,875 Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. 1181 00:54:03,153 --> 00:54:06,281 Suck it in! Think thin! Think thin! 1182 00:54:06,323 --> 00:54:08,382 One rectal breach comin' up. 1183 00:54:08,425 --> 00:54:10,416 -Suck it in! -Gaah! 1184 00:54:10,460 --> 00:54:12,087 lncoming! 1185 00:54:21,171 --> 00:54:23,503 Just like Winnie the Pooh. 1186 00:54:27,010 --> 00:54:28,477 WlLLENHOLLY: Wow! 1187 00:54:28,511 --> 00:54:31,412 That was just an incredibly daring escape. 1188 00:54:31,448 --> 00:54:35,248 All right, here's the deal. You and your men stay up here. 1189 00:54:35,285 --> 00:54:37,276 When l corner him, l'll call for backup. 1190 00:54:38,855 --> 00:54:40,789 l'm counting on you, Sheriff. 1191 00:54:42,559 --> 00:54:44,322 You've taught me so much. 1192 00:54:52,936 --> 00:54:55,166 Ow. Ow. Ow! 1193 00:54:55,205 --> 00:54:57,264 Fuck this asshole. 1194 00:54:57,307 --> 00:54:59,275 Let's go back to the station house... 1195 00:54:59,309 --> 00:55:00,970 and cornhole us a drunk. 1196 00:55:01,011 --> 00:55:02,808 -Yeah. -Let's go. 1197 00:55:05,949 --> 00:55:07,917 JAY: The whole fuckin' world's against us, dude... 1198 00:55:07,951 --> 00:55:09,441 l swear to God! 1199 00:55:09,486 --> 00:55:14,617 Put the monkey down and your hands up! 1200 00:55:15,959 --> 00:55:17,790 Let's do, misters! You wanna get shot? 1201 00:55:18,929 --> 00:55:20,521 l didn't think so. 1202 00:55:20,563 --> 00:55:24,431 Look, man, she doesn't wanna go back to the lab. 1203 00:55:24,467 --> 00:55:27,095 And for the record, l ain't gay. 1204 00:55:27,137 --> 00:55:29,435 And for the record, while we're on the subject... 1205 00:55:29,472 --> 00:55:32,441 l knew that that wasn't a real little boy. 1206 00:55:32,475 --> 00:55:36,343 For one more record, he loves the cock. 1207 00:55:36,379 --> 00:55:39,644 On your knees, Texas Pete. Let's go! 1208 00:55:39,683 --> 00:55:42,709 See, man? He's lined us up like fuckin' circus seals. 1209 00:55:42,752 --> 00:55:43,946 Well, l'm goin' first. 1210 00:55:43,987 --> 00:55:45,181 l don't want no mouthful ofmonkey spit... 1211 00:55:45,221 --> 00:55:47,451 ifl gotta blow this fuckin' G-man. 1212 00:55:47,490 --> 00:55:49,287 WlLENHOLLY: What are you talking about? 1213 00:55:49,326 --> 00:55:50,725 Look, no one's gonna get blown-- 1214 00:55:52,062 --> 00:55:53,620 -Dude! -Whoa! 1215 00:55:53,663 --> 00:55:54,891 Shit! 1216 00:55:56,266 --> 00:55:57,893 Wow! 1217 00:55:57,934 --> 00:55:59,561 These guys are good. 1218 00:55:59,602 --> 00:56:00,830 Very good. 1219 00:56:01,871 --> 00:56:03,668 [Exhales] 1220 00:56:03,707 --> 00:56:07,700 Yaaah! 1221 00:56:07,744 --> 00:56:09,735 Hey, law dog! 1222 00:56:11,214 --> 00:56:12,374 [Stops screaming] Hey! 1223 00:56:12,415 --> 00:56:16,215 See you in hell, cock-smoker! 1224 00:56:16,252 --> 00:56:18,345 Oh, fuck me! 1225 00:56:18,388 --> 00:56:20,856 Aah! 1226 00:56:39,042 --> 00:56:40,270 [Door closes] 1227 00:56:42,445 --> 00:56:44,606 Hey! Get the fuck off her! 1228 00:56:44,647 --> 00:56:46,911 That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey! 1229 00:56:48,551 --> 00:56:50,109 JA Y: Hey! 1230 00:56:50,153 --> 00:56:52,018 That monkey don't belong to you! 1231 00:56:59,262 --> 00:57:02,390 Man, who the fuck just steals a monkey? 1232 00:57:03,767 --> 00:57:05,325 Oh, yeah. 1233 00:57:05,368 --> 00:57:06,699 Well, this fuckin' blows, man. 1234 00:57:06,736 --> 00:57:08,431 We have one more day to stop these fucks... 1235 00:57:08,471 --> 00:57:09,631 from shooting this movie... 1236 00:57:09,672 --> 00:57:11,902 and they fuckin' took the one thing l had left... 1237 00:57:11,941 --> 00:57:13,272 from the one woman l loved enough... 1238 00:57:13,309 --> 00:57:15,937 not to stick my hand down her pants. 1239 00:57:17,347 --> 00:57:18,814 What, go after the monkey? 1240 00:57:18,848 --> 00:57:20,816 How the fuck do we know where that car's going? 1241 00:57:23,520 --> 00:57:25,112 Don't just point like... 1242 00:57:27,991 --> 00:57:29,788 Wh--you gotta take a shit. 1243 00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:32,393 No, no, no, you gotta take a salad. 1244 00:57:33,563 --> 00:57:34,962 What the fuck are you trying to say? 1245 00:57:34,998 --> 00:57:37,330 Just say it, man. Don't make me ask twenty questions. 1246 00:57:37,367 --> 00:57:39,961 You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time... 1247 00:57:40,003 --> 00:57:43,029 but you can't spit out fuckin', "Yo, Jay, l disagree"... 1248 00:57:43,073 --> 00:57:45,268 or "Yo, those are some good cheese fries." 1249 00:57:47,677 --> 00:57:49,668 Just fuckin' say it already! 1250 00:57:51,281 --> 00:57:54,114 The sign on the back of the car... 1251 00:57:54,150 --> 00:57:58,746 said "Critters of Hollywood," you dumb fuck! 1252 00:58:03,927 --> 00:58:06,657 Say it, don't spray it. 1253 00:58:08,164 --> 00:58:09,597 SHERlFF: And might l add... 1254 00:58:09,632 --> 00:58:12,692 that is one fine-looking boy you are raising. 1255 00:58:12,735 --> 00:58:16,193 [All laugh] 1256 00:58:18,108 --> 00:58:19,268 Well... 1257 00:58:19,309 --> 00:58:21,368 if it isn't the wildlife expert. 1258 00:58:21,411 --> 00:58:22,776 Heh. 1259 00:58:22,812 --> 00:58:24,336 Your office faxed this over. 1260 00:58:24,380 --> 00:58:27,349 Now, the guy said it was a post from an lnternet chat board... 1261 00:58:27,383 --> 00:58:29,874 signed by a "Jay and Silent Bob." 1262 00:58:29,919 --> 00:58:31,978 Ahem. 1263 00:58:32,021 --> 00:58:35,718 "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. 1264 00:58:35,758 --> 00:58:37,658 "You are the ones who are ball-lickers. 1265 00:58:37,694 --> 00:58:39,457 "Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch... 1266 00:58:39,496 --> 00:58:43,364 "and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we--" 1267 00:58:44,634 --> 00:58:45,896 They're going to Hollywood. 1268 00:58:53,877 --> 00:58:57,142 You see me driving down the street 1269 00:59:01,184 --> 00:59:04,051 l look so fucking good 1270 00:59:09,993 --> 00:59:13,485 What? lt's not like cheating. Justice blew up. 1271 00:59:13,530 --> 00:59:16,363 JAY: All right, here's the plan. First we find out... 1272 00:59:16,399 --> 00:59:17,661 where they're shooting this movie... 1273 00:59:17,700 --> 00:59:19,167 and after we bust that shit up... 1274 00:59:19,202 --> 00:59:20,863 we can start lookin' for the monkey. 1275 00:59:20,904 --> 00:59:22,735 But before we do any of that shit... 1276 00:59:22,772 --> 00:59:24,865 we gotta find a motherfucker in the know-- 1277 00:59:24,908 --> 00:59:26,205 someone like the mayor of Hollywood. 1278 00:59:26,242 --> 00:59:28,176 Crack? Want some crack? 1279 00:59:28,211 --> 00:59:29,576 Get you high? 1280 00:59:29,612 --> 00:59:31,603 No, man, but you want some weed? 1281 00:59:31,648 --> 00:59:33,445 You on the job? 1282 00:59:33,483 --> 00:59:35,542 Yeah, boy! 1283 00:59:35,585 --> 00:59:37,644 Jersey Local 404. 1284 00:59:37,687 --> 00:59:38,881 DEALER: Ho, ho, man! 1285 00:59:38,922 --> 00:59:42,585 Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles Local 305. 1286 00:59:42,625 --> 00:59:44,092 Oh, shit! What up? 1287 00:59:44,127 --> 00:59:46,561 Aw, man, it's a small world! 1288 00:59:46,596 --> 00:59:48,029 Hey, lemme ask you a question. 1289 00:59:48,064 --> 00:59:50,294 You dudes gettin' on medical out there in Jersey yet? 1290 00:59:50,333 --> 00:59:53,530 Shit, no. We might have to strike in September. 1291 00:59:53,570 --> 00:59:56,368 Aw, man. "Norma Rae" like a motherfucker, huh? 1292 00:59:56,406 --> 00:59:57,668 Yo, maybe you can help us out. You know where... 1293 00:59:57,707 --> 00:59:59,140 they're shootin' a movie around here? 1294 00:59:59,175 --> 01:00:00,437 PUMPKlN: You askin' me a question like that... 1295 01:00:00,476 --> 01:00:02,103 in Hollyweird, man? You got to come... 1296 01:00:02,145 --> 01:00:04,136 a little bit more specific than that. 1297 01:00:04,180 --> 01:00:06,410 lt's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust it up... 1298 01:00:06,449 --> 01:00:08,440 so people stop callin' us names on the lnternet... 1299 01:00:08,484 --> 01:00:10,475 even though they're not really talkin' about us... 1300 01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:12,010 but characters based on us. 1301 01:00:12,055 --> 01:00:14,615 And at the same time, find my ex-girlfriend... 1302 01:00:14,657 --> 01:00:17,125 who was killed in a car explosion's monkey. 1303 01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:19,924 Man, l don't know what the fuck you just said... 1304 01:00:19,963 --> 01:00:23,194 little kid, but you special, man. 1305 01:00:23,233 --> 01:00:27,226 You reached out, and you touched a brother heart. 1306 01:00:27,270 --> 01:00:28,931 So l'm gonna give you some direction. 1307 01:00:28,972 --> 01:00:30,735 Gimme the map, Scott. 1308 01:00:30,773 --> 01:00:32,263 Gimme the map, Scott! 1309 01:00:32,308 --> 01:00:33,673 You know where Miramax is at? 1310 01:00:33,710 --> 01:00:35,541 Miramax? Ha ha ha! 1311 01:00:41,384 --> 01:00:43,852 ls Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? 1312 01:00:43,886 --> 01:00:46,446 A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office... 1313 01:00:46,489 --> 01:00:48,684 tells us that a posting was pulled off... 1314 01:00:48,725 --> 01:00:51,057 an lnternet movie chat board allegedly written... 1315 01:00:51,094 --> 01:00:53,494 by the two domestic terrorists themselves. 1316 01:00:53,529 --> 01:00:55,622 lt's sending a shockave through Hollywood. 1317 01:00:55,665 --> 01:00:59,533 Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules? 1318 01:00:59,569 --> 01:01:02,663 Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is one of terror today... 1319 01:01:02,705 --> 01:01:05,230 after the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office has learned... 1320 01:01:05,275 --> 01:01:07,641 that hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob... 1321 01:01:07,677 --> 01:01:09,440 have targeted Miramax Studios... 1322 01:01:09,479 --> 01:01:11,743 for their next campaign of blood, violence... 1323 01:01:11,781 --> 01:01:13,271 and monkey theft. 1324 01:01:13,316 --> 01:01:16,547 ln a posting pulled off of Moviepoopshoot.com... 1325 01:01:16,586 --> 01:01:19,248 the gruesome twosome threatened, and l quote... 1326 01:01:19,289 --> 01:01:22,053 "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax"-- 1327 01:01:22,091 --> 01:01:23,888 expletive deleted-- "who are making... 1328 01:01:23,926 --> 01:01:25,393 "the "Bluntman and Chronic" movie... 1329 01:01:25,428 --> 01:01:27,896 "we're gonna make them eat our"--expletive deleted-- 1330 01:01:27,930 --> 01:01:29,989 "then"--expletive deleted-- "out our"-- 1331 01:01:30,033 --> 01:01:33,196 expletive deleted--"then eat their"--expletive deleted-- 1332 01:01:33,236 --> 01:01:35,534 "which is made up of our"-- expletive deleted-- 1333 01:01:35,571 --> 01:01:37,869 "that we made them eat." Unquote. 1334 01:01:37,907 --> 01:01:39,898 So far we've been unable to get a statement... 1335 01:01:39,942 --> 01:01:41,637 from anybody here at the studio. 1336 01:01:41,678 --> 01:01:44,203 But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? 1337 01:01:44,247 --> 01:01:45,874 None whatsoever... 1338 01:01:48,384 --> 01:01:50,249 what Jay and Silent Bob even look like... 1339 01:01:50,286 --> 01:01:53,187 so for all we know, they could already be on the lot. 1340 01:01:53,222 --> 01:01:54,519 Shit! 1341 01:01:54,557 --> 01:01:55,751 STEVE: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon... 1342 01:01:55,792 --> 01:01:57,692 are shooting a project on the lot. 1343 01:01:57,727 --> 01:01:58,921 Have you seen them roaming around? 1344 01:01:58,961 --> 01:02:00,394 JULES: No, Steve, but... 1345 01:02:01,698 --> 01:02:03,188 JUSTlCE: Fuck it. 1346 01:02:08,271 --> 01:02:09,465 [Tires squeal] 1347 01:02:13,743 --> 01:02:14,971 OK. 1348 01:02:15,011 --> 01:02:17,241 He's got a pass. Let him in. 1349 01:02:19,048 --> 01:02:22,347 We gotta play this just right. 1350 01:02:22,385 --> 01:02:24,376 [Both whistling] 1351 01:02:32,762 --> 01:02:36,220 Hey! You don't have a pass! 1352 01:02:36,265 --> 01:02:39,291 [Blows whistle] 1353 01:02:39,335 --> 01:02:42,031 Whoa! 1354 01:02:55,785 --> 01:02:58,049 l hate how fake Hollywood is. 1355 01:02:58,087 --> 01:02:59,349 Where do you think you're going? 1356 01:02:59,389 --> 01:03:00,720 JA Y: Get off ofme! 1357 01:03:02,558 --> 01:03:04,355 Don't. 1358 01:03:04,394 --> 01:03:06,954 Echo Base, l've got a 1 0-07... 1359 01:03:06,996 --> 01:03:09,294 two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup. 1360 01:03:09,332 --> 01:03:10,993 RADlO: l thought that was a 10-82. 1361 01:03:11,033 --> 01:03:13,365 No, sir, a 1 0-82 is disappearing a dead hooker... 1362 01:03:13,403 --> 01:03:14,768 from Ben Affleck's trailer. 1363 01:03:14,804 --> 01:03:17,500 RADlO: Ooh, that Affleck. Backup on the way. 1364 01:03:17,540 --> 01:03:18,700 Hey, l'll make you a deal. 1365 01:03:18,741 --> 01:03:21,767 This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go. 1366 01:03:21,811 --> 01:03:22,971 Heh. Contrary to what you believe... 1367 01:03:23,012 --> 01:03:26,004 not everyone in the industry is a homosexual. 1368 01:03:26,048 --> 01:03:27,743 How about this deal? 1369 01:03:27,784 --> 01:03:32,619 He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off. 1370 01:03:32,655 --> 01:03:34,282 All right. 1371 01:03:35,758 --> 01:03:38,625 Make it fast...and sexy. 1372 01:03:38,661 --> 01:03:40,128 lt's either this or jail... 1373 01:03:40,163 --> 01:03:42,757 and you know what they do to you in jail. 1374 01:03:42,799 --> 01:03:44,357 l was a guard. 1375 01:03:46,202 --> 01:03:47,533 All right. 1376 01:03:47,570 --> 01:03:49,629 And after it's all over, you say... 1377 01:03:49,672 --> 01:03:52,163 "Oh, what a lovely tea party." 1378 01:04:02,718 --> 01:04:04,515 What the fuck you waitin' for, bitch? 1379 01:04:04,554 --> 01:04:08,456 Start suckin'. Bong-ing! 1380 01:04:10,993 --> 01:04:13,018 [Bell rings] 1381 01:04:17,400 --> 01:04:19,425 Worth a shot. 1382 01:04:19,469 --> 01:04:22,802 Like a shot in your fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch. 1383 01:04:22,839 --> 01:04:25,967 Ew, dude, you were really gonna suck my dick. 1384 01:04:30,613 --> 01:04:32,240 MAN: All right, now, remember what l said. 1385 01:04:32,482 --> 01:04:36,077 Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes... 1386 01:04:36,118 --> 01:04:37,380 or you will be fired. 1387 01:04:37,420 --> 01:04:39,183 Does everybody understand that? 1388 01:04:39,222 --> 01:04:40,985 Thank you. 1389 01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,393 You frosted your hair, though. 1390 01:04:47,263 --> 01:04:50,391 Yeah, l frosted my hair, but it looks good. 1391 01:04:50,433 --> 01:04:52,867 This has got to be the Bluntman flick. 1392 01:04:52,902 --> 01:04:55,769 There's those two fucks from the Mork movie. 1393 01:04:55,805 --> 01:04:57,102 Lips, teeth, tongue, or lion face? 1394 01:04:57,139 --> 01:04:59,300 -Lion face. -BOTH: Ha! 1395 01:04:59,342 --> 01:05:00,604 -Lemon face. -BOTH: Ooh. 1396 01:05:00,643 --> 01:05:01,803 -Lion face. -BOTH: Ha! 1397 01:05:01,844 --> 01:05:03,072 Lemon face. BOTH: Ooh. 1398 01:05:03,112 --> 01:05:05,376 Break it down. Where we taking it from, Gus? 1399 01:05:07,517 --> 01:05:08,677 BEN: Gus? 1400 01:05:08,718 --> 01:05:09,878 l'm busy. 1401 01:05:09,919 --> 01:05:11,113 You're a true artist, Gus. 1402 01:05:11,153 --> 01:05:12,882 Just take it from, "lt's a good course." 1403 01:05:12,922 --> 01:05:15,152 -What, you're the director now? -Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy. 1404 01:05:15,191 --> 01:05:16,283 Let's remember who talked who... 1405 01:05:16,325 --> 01:05:17,758 into doing this shit in the first place. 1406 01:05:17,793 --> 01:05:20,091 l mean, talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but this is-- 1407 01:05:20,129 --> 01:05:21,528 Look, l'm sorry l dragged you away... 1408 01:05:21,564 --> 01:05:23,589 from whatever gay serial killers... 1409 01:05:23,633 --> 01:05:25,726 who ride horses and like to play golf... 1410 01:05:25,768 --> 01:05:27,599 touchy-feely picture you're gonna do this week. 1411 01:05:27,637 --> 01:05:29,764 l take it you haven't seen "Forces of Nature." 1412 01:05:29,805 --> 01:05:31,329 You're like a child. What do l keep telling you? 1413 01:05:31,374 --> 01:05:34,502 You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture. 1414 01:05:34,544 --> 01:05:36,205 Then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture... 1415 01:05:36,245 --> 01:05:37,644 'cause your friend says you owe him. 1416 01:05:40,316 --> 01:05:41,874 Then sometimes you gotta go back to the well. 1417 01:05:41,918 --> 01:05:43,579 Yeah, and sometimes you do "Reindeer Games." 1418 01:05:43,619 --> 01:05:45,246 See, that's just mean. 1419 01:05:45,288 --> 01:05:50,453 All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to 'em. 1420 01:05:50,493 --> 01:05:53,223 Get over--OK, you, little kid, you're here. 1421 01:05:53,262 --> 01:05:54,991 Your buddy's right here. 1422 01:05:55,031 --> 01:05:56,589 Just stand there and react. 1423 01:05:56,632 --> 01:05:59,999 Don't say anything-- especially you. 1424 01:06:00,036 --> 01:06:01,196 All right, people! 1425 01:06:01,237 --> 01:06:02,602 That's pretty funny. 1426 01:06:02,638 --> 01:06:05,630 MAN: Lock it up, we're going for picture. 1427 01:06:05,675 --> 01:06:06,835 Make it happen, guys. 1428 01:06:06,876 --> 01:06:08,104 Get your fuckin' hands off me. 1429 01:06:08,144 --> 01:06:09,634 Fuck off, will you? 1430 01:06:09,679 --> 01:06:11,442 All right. On the count of three... 1431 01:06:11,480 --> 01:06:13,744 we rush these fucks and beat the shit out of 'em... 1432 01:06:13,783 --> 01:06:14,943 'cause if they're all fucked up... 1433 01:06:14,984 --> 01:06:16,884 they can't make that movie, right? 1434 01:06:16,919 --> 01:06:18,409 Ready? 1435 01:06:18,454 --> 01:06:21,446 1 , 2, 3! 1436 01:06:21,490 --> 01:06:23,822 MAN: "Good Will Hunting 2, Hunting Season"... 1437 01:06:23,859 --> 01:06:26,327 scene 1 6, take 5. 1438 01:06:29,065 --> 01:06:31,056 -Think about the paycheck. -OK. 1439 01:06:36,739 --> 01:06:39,037 So, action, Gus, or... 1440 01:06:39,075 --> 01:06:42,135 Jesus, Ben, l said l'm busy. Busy. 1441 01:06:42,178 --> 01:06:44,908 -Ahem. -[Crowd noise starts] 1442 01:06:44,947 --> 01:06:47,177 Yeah, l do remember the class... 1443 01:06:47,216 --> 01:06:49,946 but frankly, l found it rather elementary. 1444 01:06:49,986 --> 01:06:51,351 l remember that class. 1445 01:06:51,387 --> 01:06:54,220 lt was just between recess and lunch. 1446 01:06:54,256 --> 01:06:57,487 Are we gonna have a problem...again? 1447 01:06:57,526 --> 01:06:59,721 l was still just hoping you might be able... 1448 01:06:59,762 --> 01:07:03,528 to give me a little insight into the Southern colonies! 1449 01:07:03,566 --> 01:07:05,693 See, Wood says-- 1450 01:07:05,735 --> 01:07:07,362 What'd l say? What'd l tell you? 1451 01:07:07,403 --> 01:07:09,337 You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. 1452 01:07:09,372 --> 01:07:10,839 But you forgot about Vickers. 1453 01:07:10,873 --> 01:07:15,674 No, l just read Vickers, so l'm up on inherited wealth, Hunting. 1454 01:07:15,711 --> 01:07:18,942 But you're no longer the angry, brilliant young mind... 1455 01:07:18,981 --> 01:07:22,348 you once were, just itching to vent your frustrations. 1456 01:07:22,385 --> 01:07:24,876 No, you stopped hitting the books... 1457 01:07:24,920 --> 01:07:27,445 with a vengeance, and now l've read shit... 1458 01:07:27,490 --> 01:07:30,425 you haven't even heard about yet. 1459 01:07:30,459 --> 01:07:32,620 Face facts, my friend. 1460 01:07:32,662 --> 01:07:37,224 You're just no longer that good...Will Hunting. 1461 01:07:37,266 --> 01:07:39,029 [Laughter] 1462 01:07:41,070 --> 01:07:45,234 Now how do you like them apples? 1463 01:07:47,410 --> 01:07:49,674 l don't like the sound of them apples, Will. 1464 01:07:49,712 --> 01:07:51,009 What are we gonna do? 1465 01:07:51,047 --> 01:07:53,345 -Chuckie? -Yeah? 1466 01:07:53,382 --> 01:07:56,078 lt's hunting season. 1467 01:08:00,723 --> 01:08:02,691 Applesauce, bitch. 1468 01:08:02,725 --> 01:08:04,784 [Whistle blowing] 1469 01:08:04,827 --> 01:08:06,260 Sorry to interrupt, sirs... 1470 01:08:06,295 --> 01:08:08,286 but we've got a 1 0-07 on our hands. 1471 01:08:08,330 --> 01:08:10,264 Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben? 1472 01:08:10,299 --> 01:08:11,493 No, bullshit! 1473 01:08:11,534 --> 01:08:14,332 'Cause l wasn't with a hooker today. Ha ha! 1474 01:08:14,370 --> 01:08:15,462 There they are! 1475 01:08:15,504 --> 01:08:18,962 Affleck, you da bomb in "Phantoms," yo! 1476 01:08:21,110 --> 01:08:22,577 GUARD: Get 'em! 1477 01:08:34,657 --> 01:08:36,625 -[Tires screech] -Watch it! 1478 01:08:40,129 --> 01:08:42,120 [Thunder] 1479 01:08:48,337 --> 01:08:50,931 [Telephone rings] 1480 01:08:50,973 --> 01:08:53,908 [Thunder] 1481 01:08:53,943 --> 01:08:55,137 Aah! 1482 01:09:00,316 --> 01:09:03,649 SHANNEN: All right, you bastard. Let's see who you really are. 1483 01:09:04,754 --> 01:09:06,779 [Pbbt] 1484 01:09:06,822 --> 01:09:10,258 -[Pbbt] -Fucking Miramax. Cut! 1485 01:09:10,292 --> 01:09:12,351 [Bell rings] 1486 01:09:12,394 --> 01:09:14,259 Shannen, usually l say cut. 1487 01:09:14,296 --> 01:09:15,456 A monkey, Wes? 1488 01:09:15,498 --> 01:09:18,626 l mean, Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you? 1489 01:09:19,635 --> 01:09:21,694 What? The market research says people love monkeys. 1490 01:09:25,241 --> 01:09:27,175 We love this monkey! 1491 01:09:27,209 --> 01:09:28,699 Do somethin'. 1492 01:09:28,744 --> 01:09:29,938 See? 1493 01:09:29,979 --> 01:09:31,310 There they are. There they are. 1494 01:09:40,990 --> 01:09:42,184 There they go. There they go! 1495 01:09:43,259 --> 01:09:45,227 [Yelling] 1496 01:09:50,065 --> 01:09:51,623 Punch it! 1497 01:09:55,504 --> 01:09:57,131 GUARD: Fuck! 1498 01:10:03,746 --> 01:10:06,044 GUARD: Those are some magical guys. 1499 01:10:06,081 --> 01:10:07,810 [Whistles] 1500 01:10:10,085 --> 01:10:13,680 -Aah! -Aah! 1501 01:10:20,629 --> 01:10:23,291 Ew, dude. l fuckin' knew it, man. 1502 01:10:23,332 --> 01:10:26,096 You love that shit, don't you? 1503 01:10:30,139 --> 01:10:31,629 Holy shit, that looked like it hurt. 1504 01:10:31,674 --> 01:10:34,336 A-are you guys all right? 1505 01:10:34,376 --> 01:10:36,207 Let's get you guys on your feet. Come on. 1506 01:10:47,089 --> 01:10:49,080 Hey, wait a second. 1507 01:10:49,124 --> 01:10:50,853 Aren't you that guy that fucked the pie? 1508 01:10:50,893 --> 01:10:52,121 JASON: You see, man? 1509 01:10:52,161 --> 01:10:54,652 You see? lt's never--it's never... 1510 01:10:54,697 --> 01:10:56,858 "Hey, hey, you were in 'Loser,' weren't you?" 1511 01:10:56,899 --> 01:10:58,526 Or "Dude, you rocked in 'Boys and Girls."' 1512 01:10:58,567 --> 01:11:01,058 No, it always comes back to that fuckin' pie. 1513 01:11:01,103 --> 01:11:03,435 -l'm haunted by it! -You put your dick in a pie. 1514 01:11:03,472 --> 01:11:05,133 Enough! 1515 01:11:05,174 --> 01:11:07,335 l'm Jason Biggs. 1516 01:11:07,376 --> 01:11:08,365 Yo, man, did you really get to third base... 1517 01:11:08,410 --> 01:11:10,207 with that Russian chick like in the movie? 1518 01:11:10,246 --> 01:11:13,579 You mean Shannon? No. 1519 01:11:13,616 --> 01:11:15,345 Man, she is fuckin' fine. 1520 01:11:15,384 --> 01:11:17,375 lf l was you, l would've been like... 1521 01:11:17,419 --> 01:11:19,785 [Grunting softly] 1522 01:11:21,824 --> 01:11:24,952 You like that? You like that? 1523 01:11:24,994 --> 01:11:27,656 What, you never did one of these? 1524 01:11:29,531 --> 01:11:31,055 Wait, wait, none of that. 1525 01:11:31,100 --> 01:11:32,590 Oh, yeah. 1526 01:11:32,635 --> 01:11:35,160 Done plenty of that, my friend. 1527 01:11:35,204 --> 01:11:37,434 Holy shit, you're the Dawson. 1528 01:11:37,473 --> 01:11:39,236 James, actually. James Van Der Beek. 1529 01:11:39,275 --> 01:11:41,539 What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? 1530 01:11:41,577 --> 01:11:43,511 lf l was you, l would've drowned-ed his ass... 1531 01:11:43,545 --> 01:11:44,705 in the creek and shit. 1532 01:11:44,747 --> 01:11:46,647 You actually watch that show? 1533 01:11:46,682 --> 01:11:48,775 Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. 1534 01:11:48,817 --> 01:11:50,614 Did you ever get to third base with her? 1535 01:11:50,653 --> 01:11:51,813 Actually, there was this one time-- 1536 01:11:51,854 --> 01:11:53,321 Wait a minute. Who are you guys? 1537 01:11:54,790 --> 01:11:57,384 They're our stunt doubles, dumbass. 1538 01:11:57,426 --> 01:11:59,656 -R-right? -Of course. 1539 01:12:01,030 --> 01:12:03,294 Stunt doubles for what? 1540 01:12:03,332 --> 01:12:05,630 For the movie that we're shooting in about 1 5 minutes? 1541 01:12:05,668 --> 01:12:06,930 "Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back"? 1542 01:12:06,969 --> 01:12:10,132 Yeah, you're doubling me, obviously. 1543 01:12:10,172 --> 01:12:12,732 l'm playing Bluntman, a.k.a. Silent Bill. 1544 01:12:12,775 --> 01:12:14,106 -Bob. -Right. 1545 01:12:14,143 --> 01:12:16,805 And, uh, and-- and he's playing Chronic... 1546 01:12:16,845 --> 01:12:19,814 -a.k.a. Ray. -Jay. Fuck! 1547 01:12:19,848 --> 01:12:21,281 Biggs, you even read the script? 1548 01:12:21,317 --> 01:12:22,716 There's a script? 1549 01:12:22,751 --> 01:12:27,120 JAMES: Listen to me--you would last a day on the "Creek. " 1550 01:12:27,156 --> 01:12:28,316 JASON: A day? 1551 01:12:28,357 --> 01:12:29,517 Wait a second. We'll be right back. 1552 01:12:29,558 --> 01:12:31,253 JASON: Fuck you and your "Dawson's" crap. 1553 01:12:31,293 --> 01:12:33,318 Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell. 1554 01:12:33,362 --> 01:12:34,829 JAMES: At least call me the right character. 1555 01:12:34,863 --> 01:12:36,592 These are the fucks that are playing us here. 1556 01:12:36,632 --> 01:12:39,294 You take 'em out-- biggety bam--no movie. 1557 01:12:41,170 --> 01:12:43,229 Useless little ape. 1558 01:12:43,272 --> 01:12:46,366 W-what's with the weird gay huddle going on over there? 1559 01:12:46,408 --> 01:12:47,875 JAY: Let me put my arm over yours. 1560 01:12:47,910 --> 01:12:49,070 Gay? What's gay about it? 1561 01:12:49,111 --> 01:12:50,635 lt's two guys talking in a corner, dude. 1562 01:12:50,679 --> 01:12:52,738 -Yeah, but-- -Why are you such a homophobe? 1563 01:12:52,781 --> 01:12:54,180 A homophobe? 1564 01:12:54,216 --> 01:12:55,513 You're always like, "Oh, that's gay, man." 1565 01:12:55,551 --> 01:12:57,576 "Oh, look at that gay huddle." "Look at that gay dog." 1566 01:12:57,619 --> 01:12:58,950 Dude, that is so gay. l-- 1567 01:12:58,988 --> 01:13:01,320 Yeah, see? [Mutters] 1568 01:13:01,357 --> 01:13:03,882 -l love gay people, OK? -l'm sure you do. 1569 01:13:03,926 --> 01:13:05,086 [Pbbt] 1570 01:13:05,127 --> 01:13:06,287 Oh, look at the monkey! 1571 01:13:06,328 --> 01:13:07,556 You're gonna tell me the monkey's gay. 1572 01:13:07,596 --> 01:13:10,565 How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole, huh? 1573 01:13:10,599 --> 01:13:12,066 Look, he's so cute. 1574 01:13:12,101 --> 01:13:13,568 So cute! 1575 01:13:13,602 --> 01:13:14,762 -Whoa! -[Screeching] 1576 01:13:14,803 --> 01:13:16,634 All right, you go in there, start swinging. 1577 01:13:16,672 --> 01:13:18,902 Don't stop until these little young Hollywood fucks... 1578 01:13:18,941 --> 01:13:20,932 are out of commission. Ready? Break. 1579 01:13:20,976 --> 01:13:23,171 [Thud] 1580 01:13:23,212 --> 01:13:25,203 [Monkey grunting] 1581 01:13:28,083 --> 01:13:30,074 That's one funky monkey. 1582 01:13:30,119 --> 01:13:32,383 [Banging on door] 1583 01:13:32,421 --> 01:13:35,857 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security. 1584 01:13:35,891 --> 01:13:37,483 There are two intruders on the lot. 1585 01:13:37,526 --> 01:13:39,892 They crashed through a window we believe might be yours. 1586 01:13:39,928 --> 01:13:43,364 Uh, yeah, they're in here. 1587 01:13:43,399 --> 01:13:44,866 Do they have you held hostage? 1588 01:13:44,900 --> 01:13:46,765 Do you want us to call your publicists? 1589 01:13:46,802 --> 01:13:49,999 No, uh, we kicked those guys' asses bad. 1590 01:13:50,039 --> 01:13:52,405 Real bad! 1591 01:13:52,441 --> 01:13:55,001 Well, great job, sirs. lf you'll let us in... 1592 01:13:55,044 --> 01:13:56,306 we'll take over from here. 1593 01:13:56,345 --> 01:14:00,714 Um, no, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here--butt naked. 1594 01:14:00,749 --> 01:14:01,909 Together. 1595 01:14:01,950 --> 01:14:04,783 Oh. OK. 1596 01:14:04,820 --> 01:14:08,654 Well, we'll wait out here till you clean up. 1597 01:14:18,333 --> 01:14:19,630 JA Y: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna... 1598 01:14:19,668 --> 01:14:21,863 get out ofhere without them fuckin' seeing us? 1599 01:14:25,674 --> 01:14:29,667 You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anybody watch the WB? 1600 01:14:29,711 --> 01:14:33,010 l'm a teen idol, damn it! Don't you recognize me? 1601 01:14:33,048 --> 01:14:35,482 Look at me! l'm the pie fucker! 1602 01:14:37,853 --> 01:14:41,550 Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie. 1603 01:14:41,590 --> 01:14:42,955 [All laugh] 1604 01:14:42,991 --> 01:14:45,050 This was a good idea, Lunch Box. 1605 01:14:45,094 --> 01:14:47,722 ln these outfits, we're totally incognito. 1606 01:14:47,763 --> 01:14:50,163 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek! 1607 01:14:50,199 --> 01:14:52,292 Great. Looks like you've changed costumes already. 1608 01:14:52,334 --> 01:14:53,528 Let's get you to the set. 1609 01:14:53,569 --> 01:14:55,127 The director doesn't like to be kept waiting, OK? 1610 01:14:55,170 --> 01:14:56,865 Silent Bob! 1611 01:14:58,607 --> 01:14:59,972 Look at all these crackers. 1612 01:15:00,008 --> 01:15:02,636 $70 million, l can't even get a black grip. 1613 01:15:02,678 --> 01:15:04,543 lt's a shame. lt's a damn shame. 1614 01:15:04,580 --> 01:15:05,774 Here's your coffee, sir. 1615 01:15:07,216 --> 01:15:09,377 -You spit in this? -l didn't spit in it, sir. 1616 01:15:09,418 --> 01:15:10,715 Any boogers in it? 1617 01:15:10,752 --> 01:15:11,946 There's no boogers in it, sir. 1618 01:15:11,987 --> 01:15:13,318 You went to film school, didn't you? 1619 01:15:13,355 --> 01:15:15,186 Must piss you off to see a black man... 1620 01:15:15,224 --> 01:15:16,418 running a big old production... 1621 01:15:16,458 --> 01:15:19,120 like this, huh? You went to film school. 1622 01:15:19,161 --> 01:15:22,653 Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? 1623 01:15:22,698 --> 01:15:25,189 lt would kill him, wouldn't it? 1624 01:15:25,234 --> 01:15:26,531 There's no boogers in it, sir. 1625 01:15:26,568 --> 01:15:28,593 Then taste it. Taste it! 1626 01:15:28,637 --> 01:15:31,470 Taste the booger flavor. l know it's in there. 1627 01:15:31,507 --> 01:15:33,566 lt's all good, sir. 1628 01:15:33,609 --> 01:15:34,906 No, it ain't all good! 1629 01:15:34,943 --> 01:15:36,171 Now clean that shit up. 1630 01:15:36,211 --> 01:15:37,644 That's right. Get me a white boy. 1631 01:15:37,679 --> 01:15:41,342 Get me a blonde-hair white boy, so l can enjoy that shit. 1632 01:15:41,383 --> 01:15:42,543 You the man, sir. 1633 01:15:42,584 --> 01:15:44,415 No, you the man, and that's the problem. 1634 01:15:44,453 --> 01:15:46,182 BANKY: Uh, Chaka? 1635 01:15:46,221 --> 01:15:47,552 Yeah. Hi, l'm Banky Edwards... 1636 01:15:47,589 --> 01:15:49,056 the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." 1637 01:15:49,091 --> 01:15:51,491 We met a few weeks back. l'm the executive producer. 1638 01:15:51,527 --> 01:15:53,427 Oh, you the executive producer! 1639 01:15:53,462 --> 01:15:55,930 Why don't you executive produce me a latte? 1640 01:15:55,964 --> 01:15:58,262 De-cracker-nate it, ok, Fucky? 1641 01:15:58,300 --> 01:16:00,700 -lt's Banky. -No, it is Fucky. 1642 01:16:00,736 --> 01:16:02,704 l wanted you to know that l respect your work as an artist. 1643 01:16:02,738 --> 01:16:04,899 l'm something of an artist myself. 1644 01:16:04,940 --> 01:16:06,407 l--l was the inker on the comic book. 1645 01:16:06,441 --> 01:16:07,772 Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK? 1646 01:16:07,809 --> 01:16:09,902 Nobody else got the heart to tell you. 1647 01:16:09,945 --> 01:16:11,344 You trace. You go around the lines. 1648 01:16:11,380 --> 01:16:12,642 You are a tracer, OK? 1649 01:16:12,681 --> 01:16:14,546 You think Fat Albert had a tracer? No! 1650 01:16:14,583 --> 01:16:16,778 Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a ruler... 1651 01:16:16,818 --> 01:16:18,445 and it was excellent! 1652 01:16:18,487 --> 01:16:19,749 [Sniffing] 1653 01:16:19,788 --> 01:16:22,814 Crack-crack-cracker? Crack? 1654 01:16:22,858 --> 01:16:25,088 Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka. 1655 01:16:25,127 --> 01:16:26,287 Well, l don't see 'em! 1656 01:16:26,328 --> 01:16:28,057 Where are the stars of this piece of shit? 1657 01:16:44,713 --> 01:16:47,409 Damn, this must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks. 1658 01:16:47,449 --> 01:16:49,542 Get out of my way, man. 1659 01:16:49,585 --> 01:16:51,075 What the fuck is that? 1660 01:16:51,119 --> 01:16:53,087 Look at this. A gay hood ornament... 1661 01:16:53,121 --> 01:16:54,918 and "The Color Purple. " 1662 01:16:54,957 --> 01:16:56,322 Who the fuck are you? 1663 01:16:56,358 --> 01:16:57,882 Who the fuck am l? l'm the director! 1664 01:16:57,926 --> 01:16:59,917 Chaka Luther King, that's who the fuck l am. 1665 01:16:59,962 --> 01:17:01,156 No, wait a second. 1666 01:17:01,196 --> 01:17:03,061 l thought Banky and Holden created this shit. 1667 01:17:03,098 --> 01:17:04,326 And l'm stealin' it. 1668 01:17:04,366 --> 01:17:06,027 l'm takin' it back for the black man... 1669 01:17:06,068 --> 01:17:07,558 to make up for all the shit... 1670 01:17:07,603 --> 01:17:09,662 that you motherfuckers are takin' from us. 1671 01:17:09,705 --> 01:17:12,299 Do you know that l came up with the idea for "Sesame Street"? 1672 01:17:12,341 --> 01:17:14,104 l came up with it before PBS. 1673 01:17:14,142 --> 01:17:16,167 The white man stole it. That's right. 1674 01:17:16,211 --> 01:17:18,202 l was gonna call it "N.W.P."... 1675 01:17:18,247 --> 01:17:21,148 "Niggas With Puppets." Catchy, ain't it? 1676 01:17:21,183 --> 01:17:23,014 All right, enough of this small talk. 1677 01:17:23,051 --> 01:17:24,780 -Let's shoot. -Wait a sec. 1678 01:17:24,820 --> 01:17:26,014 Aren't you gonna direct us? 1679 01:17:26,054 --> 01:17:28,147 Man, l will direct you to the unemployment line... 1680 01:17:28,190 --> 01:17:30,317 if you don't stop backtalking me, OK, cracker? 1681 01:17:30,359 --> 01:17:32,554 We don't know what we're doing. We didn't read the script. 1682 01:17:32,594 --> 01:17:33,788 Hey, it ain't that hard, man. 1683 01:17:33,829 --> 01:17:36,627 l film the motherfucker, right? Then l yell "Cut." 1684 01:17:36,665 --> 01:17:38,428 Then l run the fuck out ofhere... 1685 01:17:38,467 --> 01:17:41,231 go to my trailer, 'cause l got more white girls in there... 1686 01:17:41,270 --> 01:17:43,431 than the first lifeboat on the Titanic... 1687 01:17:43,472 --> 01:17:45,167 and they all want a part in my movie... 1688 01:17:45,207 --> 01:17:46,970 and l got just the part for 'em. 1689 01:17:47,009 --> 01:17:48,442 So you ready to do this? 1690 01:17:48,477 --> 01:17:51,173 All right! Let's roll with the new. 1691 01:17:51,213 --> 01:17:52,441 MAN: All right, quiet on the set, everyone. 1692 01:17:52,481 --> 01:17:54,312 Quiet on the set! Picture's up! 1693 01:17:54,349 --> 01:17:56,613 l got you new coffee, sir-- booger-free. 1694 01:17:56,652 --> 01:17:58,643 Get that shit the fuck out of here. 1695 01:17:58,687 --> 01:18:00,552 You guys look pretty badass. 1696 01:18:00,589 --> 01:18:01,749 [Bell rings] 1697 01:18:01,790 --> 01:18:03,382 "Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back"... 1698 01:18:03,425 --> 01:18:05,552 scene 37, take one. 1699 01:18:10,766 --> 01:18:12,495 What are we waiting for? Action! 1700 01:18:15,637 --> 01:18:20,973 Um...snootchie bootchies? 1701 01:18:25,113 --> 01:18:26,842 What the fuck? 1702 01:18:33,455 --> 01:18:35,719 MARK HAMlLL: Heh heh heh heh. 1703 01:18:35,757 --> 01:18:37,224 You thought l'd never find... 1704 01:18:37,259 --> 01:18:40,751 your precious Blunt-cave, did you, Hempknight? 1705 01:18:41,763 --> 01:18:49,670 But now you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp... 1706 01:18:49,705 --> 01:18:51,366 of Cock-Knocker! 1707 01:18:51,406 --> 01:18:52,668 Ha ha! 1708 01:18:52,708 --> 01:18:56,838 Why do they call you Cock-Knocker? 1709 01:18:56,878 --> 01:18:59,472 Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha ha! 1710 01:18:59,514 --> 01:19:02,347 You're gonna love this. True story. 1711 01:19:02,384 --> 01:19:03,976 Whoa! 1712 01:19:04,019 --> 01:19:06,920 Avenge me...Hempknight. 1713 01:19:13,762 --> 01:19:16,424 l think George Lucas gonna sue somebody. 1714 01:19:17,699 --> 01:19:22,261 Any last words before l bust your balls, Bluntman? 1715 01:19:37,452 --> 01:19:39,283 -Whoa! -Wow. 1716 01:19:41,456 --> 01:19:43,447 [Bubbling] 1717 01:20:08,817 --> 01:20:10,079 Dance, pie-fucker! 1718 01:20:12,387 --> 01:20:13,945 Damn, these white boys can't fight. 1719 01:20:15,791 --> 01:20:18,954 Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son. 1720 01:20:23,432 --> 01:20:24,865 Yo, bitch fist! 1721 01:20:27,969 --> 01:20:32,372 Call me Darth Balls. Bong! 1722 01:20:32,407 --> 01:20:33,999 Good Lord. 1723 01:20:38,680 --> 01:20:40,443 Hey, that wasn't in the script. 1724 01:20:50,358 --> 01:20:52,349 [Bubbling] 1725 01:20:57,599 --> 01:20:59,590 [Brakes screech] 1726 01:21:08,777 --> 01:21:11,007 So this is Hollywood? 1727 01:21:11,046 --> 01:21:16,484 Well, then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. 1728 01:21:16,518 --> 01:21:18,179 [Bell rings] 1729 01:21:18,220 --> 01:21:21,621 Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches! 1730 01:21:21,656 --> 01:21:22,816 Aah! 1731 01:21:22,858 --> 01:21:24,325 My God! 1732 01:21:24,359 --> 01:21:25,519 Ohh. 1733 01:21:25,560 --> 01:21:28,688 Oh! Oh, my God. 1734 01:21:28,730 --> 01:21:32,291 Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone. 1735 01:21:32,334 --> 01:21:33,858 That was supposed to be a warning shot. 1736 01:21:33,902 --> 01:21:35,699 l'm obviously on the wrong set. 1737 01:21:35,737 --> 01:21:38,103 Um, is he gonna be OK? 1738 01:21:38,139 --> 01:21:39,868 Uhh... 1739 01:21:39,908 --> 01:21:41,432 Not good. 1740 01:21:46,381 --> 01:21:47,541 MARK: Ho ho ho. 1741 01:21:47,582 --> 01:21:50,551 You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek. 1742 01:21:58,460 --> 01:22:00,291 Man, this movie's gonna make "House Party"... 1743 01:22:00,328 --> 01:22:01,886 look like "House Party 2." 1744 01:22:01,930 --> 01:22:03,090 Or "House Party 3." 1745 01:22:03,131 --> 01:22:04,894 -Shut the fuck up. -Yes, sir. 1746 01:22:04,933 --> 01:22:07,868 Chaka! Call off Dawson, will you? 1747 01:22:12,107 --> 01:22:13,267 Chaka! 1748 01:22:13,308 --> 01:22:15,333 Can l get a cut here? 1749 01:22:15,377 --> 01:22:16,571 Uhh! 1750 01:22:20,482 --> 01:22:22,450 Not again. 1751 01:22:23,952 --> 01:22:25,977 Now whose balls have been busted, bitch? 1752 01:22:26,021 --> 01:22:28,182 MARK: All right, that's it. l am out ofhere. 1753 01:22:28,223 --> 01:22:29,952 Chaka, l'll be in my trailer. 1754 01:22:29,991 --> 01:22:32,255 -[Gunshot] -What the fuck?! 1755 01:22:32,294 --> 01:22:34,990 C.L.l.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob! 1756 01:22:35,030 --> 01:22:37,328 Another white boy in this movie? Damn! 1757 01:22:37,365 --> 01:22:40,994 Federal Wildlife Marshal. Everyone stay cool. 1758 01:22:41,036 --> 01:22:42,765 Go back to making your adult movie. 1759 01:22:42,804 --> 01:22:45,136 These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization... 1760 01:22:45,173 --> 01:22:47,334 wanted for the abduction of a little monkey. 1761 01:22:47,375 --> 01:22:49,172 They didn't really steal that monkey. 1762 01:22:49,210 --> 01:22:52,441 lt wasjust a diversion so that we could steal these. 1763 01:22:52,480 --> 01:22:53,742 And they're not the leaders of the C.L.l.T. 1764 01:22:53,782 --> 01:22:55,443 The C.L.l.T. is not real. 1765 01:22:55,483 --> 01:22:57,144 No, no, no. No, the C.L.l.T.'s real. 1766 01:22:57,185 --> 01:22:58,846 The C.L.l.T.'s real all right. 1767 01:22:58,887 --> 01:23:01,185 lt's the female orgasm-- that's the myth. 1768 01:23:01,222 --> 01:23:03,122 You know what l'm talking about? 1769 01:23:03,158 --> 01:23:04,489 Are you guys all right? 1770 01:23:04,526 --> 01:23:06,960 l thought you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck. 1771 01:23:06,995 --> 01:23:09,429 You remembered! 1772 01:23:09,464 --> 01:23:12,092 Oh, it was a frame-up, Jay. 1773 01:23:12,133 --> 01:23:15,830 Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and l are international jewel thieves. 1774 01:23:15,870 --> 01:23:17,861 We were setting you up to be a patsy... 1775 01:23:17,906 --> 01:23:21,273 but l couldn't go through with it because l-- 1776 01:23:21,309 --> 01:23:23,470 because l love you. 1777 01:23:23,511 --> 01:23:25,172 Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right? 1778 01:23:25,213 --> 01:23:26,441 Of course. 1779 01:23:26,481 --> 01:23:29,109 SlSSY: lfshe does, it'll be considered necrophilia... 1780 01:23:29,150 --> 01:23:32,551 because she's gonna be one dead bitch. 1781 01:23:32,587 --> 01:23:35,215 Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time? 1782 01:23:35,256 --> 01:23:37,690 You should have just let these guys go down, Jussy. 1783 01:23:37,726 --> 01:23:39,057 l wanted to go down, but this angel... 1784 01:23:39,094 --> 01:23:40,254 popped on my shoulder and was, like, "Listen." 1785 01:23:40,295 --> 01:23:41,455 And l was, like, "What's up?" 1786 01:23:41,496 --> 01:23:42,827 Shut the fuck up before l shoot you... 1787 01:23:42,864 --> 01:23:44,491 where you stand in your pansy red booties. 1788 01:23:44,532 --> 01:23:47,831 Holy shit, l am wearing pansy red booties. 1789 01:23:47,869 --> 01:23:49,700 Why the fuck didn't you tell me? 1790 01:23:49,738 --> 01:23:51,330 Let's have those diamonds, Justice. 1791 01:23:51,373 --> 01:23:52,738 l can't do that, Sissy. 1792 01:23:52,774 --> 01:23:54,742 Then lover boy gets one in the fucking brain. 1793 01:23:56,378 --> 01:23:58,039 CHAKA: Yo, lovely ladies! 1794 01:23:58,079 --> 01:23:59,706 Would any of y'all like a private audition... 1795 01:23:59,748 --> 01:24:01,045 to be in my movie? 1796 01:24:01,082 --> 01:24:02,549 Bring that ass over. Come on! 1797 01:24:04,552 --> 01:24:07,544 -Ow! -[Gunshots and screaming] 1798 01:24:08,823 --> 01:24:10,518 WlLLENHOLLY: Shit! Shit! Shit! 1799 01:24:13,228 --> 01:24:15,059 Oh, fuck me! 1800 01:24:15,096 --> 01:24:16,757 Ha ha! 1801 01:24:21,936 --> 01:24:23,733 Crazy crackers with guns? 1802 01:24:23,772 --> 01:24:26,263 Time for me to get my black ass out of here. 1803 01:24:31,312 --> 01:24:34,042 You really let me down, Justice. Throwing it all away... 1804 01:24:34,082 --> 01:24:35,709 for a little stoner with bad pronunciation. 1805 01:24:35,750 --> 01:24:36,978 What's it gonna be, Sissy? 1806 01:24:37,018 --> 01:24:39,919 Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in? 1807 01:24:39,954 --> 01:24:41,182 Are you kidding me? 1808 01:24:41,222 --> 01:24:42,553 l taught you all your moves myself. 1809 01:24:42,590 --> 01:24:45,616 There's no style you can bust that l can't defend against. 1810 01:24:45,660 --> 01:24:47,184 You're no match for my Shao Lin Monk. 1811 01:24:47,228 --> 01:24:49,355 Yeah, but l'll bury you with my Crouching Tiger. 1812 01:24:49,397 --> 01:24:52,025 -A little Venus Flytrap? -l'll counter with Dragon Queen. 1813 01:24:52,067 --> 01:24:55,525 How about a little "Bitch, My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?" 1814 01:24:55,570 --> 01:24:56,901 Bring it on. 1815 01:24:56,938 --> 01:24:58,303 Aah! 1816 01:24:58,339 --> 01:24:59,829 [Screaming] 1817 01:24:59,874 --> 01:25:02,468 Fucking stupid bitch! 1818 01:25:02,510 --> 01:25:04,375 Yo, l hope one rips off the other one's shirt... 1819 01:25:04,412 --> 01:25:06,004 and we see some fuckin' titties... 1820 01:25:06,047 --> 01:25:08,572 floppin' around and shit in the air. Yeah! 1821 01:25:08,616 --> 01:25:12,882 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, l just wanted to say hi. l'm-- 1822 01:25:12,921 --> 01:25:14,411 Banky fuckin' Edwards! 1823 01:25:14,456 --> 01:25:16,549 Just the motherfucker we came to see! 1824 01:25:16,591 --> 01:25:18,957 Holy shit! What the fuck are you guys doing here? 1825 01:25:24,432 --> 01:25:26,457 Why the hell are you shooting at me? 1826 01:25:26,501 --> 01:25:27,968 Two reasons. 1827 01:25:28,002 --> 01:25:31,165 One--we're walkin', talkin' bad-girl cliches! 1828 01:25:31,206 --> 01:25:34,039 -And two--because you're a man! -Aah! 1829 01:25:34,075 --> 01:25:36,635 Only on the outside. 1830 01:25:36,678 --> 01:25:39,078 Stop the movie? Are you crazy? 1831 01:25:39,114 --> 01:25:41,605 All these assholes on the lnternet are calling us names... 1832 01:25:41,649 --> 01:25:42,980 because of this fucking stupid movie. 1833 01:25:43,017 --> 01:25:46,248 That's what the lnternet's for-- slandering others anonymously. 1834 01:25:46,287 --> 01:25:48,653 Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that! 1835 01:25:53,495 --> 01:25:54,655 This isn't fair! 1836 01:25:54,696 --> 01:25:57,130 We came to Hollywood, l fell in love. 1837 01:25:57,165 --> 01:25:59,531 Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at... 1838 01:25:59,567 --> 01:26:02,001 and l got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts... 1839 01:26:02,036 --> 01:26:04,334 by a guy named Cock-Knocker! 1840 01:26:04,372 --> 01:26:06,932 You know what? l feel for you boys, l really do. 1841 01:26:06,975 --> 01:26:09,136 But Miramax-- you know, Miramax Films-- 1842 01:26:09,177 --> 01:26:11,668 paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic"... 1843 01:26:11,713 --> 01:26:14,238 so it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you... 1844 01:26:14,282 --> 01:26:17,774 on some website is none of my fucking concern! 1845 01:26:17,819 --> 01:26:20,049 Oh, but l think it is. 1846 01:26:21,689 --> 01:26:23,281 -Ow! -Ow! 1847 01:26:23,324 --> 01:26:25,383 We had a deal with you on the comics, remember... 1848 01:26:25,426 --> 01:26:26,586 for likeness rights... 1849 01:26:26,628 --> 01:26:28,687 and as we're not only the artistic basis... 1850 01:26:28,730 --> 01:26:30,698 but also, obviously, the character basis... 1851 01:26:30,732 --> 01:26:33,496 for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic"... 1852 01:26:33,535 --> 01:26:36,368 when said property was optioned by Miramax Films... 1853 01:26:36,404 --> 01:26:39,396 you were legally obliged to secure our permission... 1854 01:26:39,440 --> 01:26:41,567 to transfer the concept to another medium. 1855 01:26:41,609 --> 01:26:44,203 As you failed to do that, Banky... 1856 01:26:44,245 --> 01:26:46,577 you are in breach of the original contract. 1857 01:26:46,614 --> 01:26:50,641 Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position. 1858 01:26:50,685 --> 01:26:52,812 Yeah. 1859 01:26:52,854 --> 01:26:55,516 [Screaming] 1860 01:26:55,557 --> 01:26:57,388 You guys are gonna ruin my movie career. 1861 01:26:57,425 --> 01:27:00,394 Well, we want something for our mental anguish. 1862 01:27:00,428 --> 01:27:01,986 Tell you what-- we'll settle this monetarily. 1863 01:27:02,030 --> 01:27:03,588 l'll give you half of what l make. 1864 01:27:03,631 --> 01:27:05,758 -Half? -Half's not good enough? Fine. 1865 01:27:05,800 --> 01:27:07,597 l'll give you two-thirds of what l make. 1866 01:27:07,635 --> 01:27:09,603 Fuck you. You already said half. 1867 01:27:09,637 --> 01:27:10,797 You can't take it back. 1868 01:27:10,839 --> 01:27:12,830 Done. 1869 01:27:17,946 --> 01:27:20,210 Your shit is so tired, Justice. 1870 01:27:20,248 --> 01:27:24,309 Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck... bitch. 1871 01:27:24,352 --> 01:27:26,115 Hyah! 1872 01:27:26,154 --> 01:27:27,678 BOTH: Aah! 1873 01:27:34,062 --> 01:27:35,393 Hello? 1874 01:27:35,430 --> 01:27:37,330 Truce? 1875 01:27:37,365 --> 01:27:40,562 [Panting] 1876 01:27:40,602 --> 01:27:42,832 l think l killed both of them. 1877 01:27:42,871 --> 01:27:44,896 l am an excellent marksman. l've always-- 1878 01:27:44,939 --> 01:27:47,772 -[Gunshot] -Oh...God. 1879 01:27:47,809 --> 01:27:49,868 [Pbbt] 1880 01:27:49,911 --> 01:27:52,607 Come on, you guys. lt's over. 1881 01:27:55,717 --> 01:27:57,651 You all right, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck? 1882 01:27:57,685 --> 01:28:00,176 l was just about to jump in and fuckin' get your back. 1883 01:28:00,221 --> 01:28:01,779 -Uh-huh. -[Sirens] 1884 01:28:01,823 --> 01:28:04,018 Holy shit, the cops. We gotta get out of here. 1885 01:28:04,058 --> 01:28:06,959 No, no, no. l'm tired of running. 1886 01:28:06,995 --> 01:28:10,897 Oh, Marshal. Hey, you awake? 1887 01:28:10,932 --> 01:28:12,593 Wake up, Marshal. 1888 01:28:12,634 --> 01:28:13,999 -Oh. -Are you OK? 1889 01:28:14,035 --> 01:28:17,027 Oh, my God, l'm paralyzed! 1890 01:28:17,071 --> 01:28:20,234 That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! 1891 01:28:20,275 --> 01:28:23,369 Oh, sweet irony! 1892 01:28:23,411 --> 01:28:25,572 You're not paralyzed. lt was just a tranquilizer. 1893 01:28:25,613 --> 01:28:29,105 Oh, Jesus! Ow! 1894 01:28:29,150 --> 01:28:31,584 Tranked by a little monkey! 1895 01:28:31,619 --> 01:28:32,916 My friends in the Bureau... 1896 01:28:32,954 --> 01:28:35,320 are never gonna let me hear the end of this. 1897 01:28:35,356 --> 01:28:36,789 You have friends in the FBl? 1898 01:28:36,824 --> 01:28:40,089 Uh-huh. They all made it in, but l failed the exam. 1899 01:28:40,128 --> 01:28:42,096 Why the hell else do you think l became... 1900 01:28:42,130 --> 01:28:43,620 a Federal Wildlife Marshal? 1901 01:28:43,665 --> 01:28:46,759 l'll tell you why! Because l'm a joke! 1902 01:28:46,801 --> 01:28:48,598 JUSTlCE: Maybe not. 1903 01:28:48,636 --> 01:28:50,763 l can make you a deal that will get you into the FBl... 1904 01:28:50,805 --> 01:28:52,705 regardless of test scores. 1905 01:28:52,740 --> 01:28:54,765 What kind of deal? 1906 01:28:54,809 --> 01:28:57,300 You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob... 1907 01:28:57,345 --> 01:28:58,812 and say you never found the ape. 1908 01:28:58,846 --> 01:29:01,144 ln exchange, l will give you the diamonds we stole... 1909 01:29:01,182 --> 01:29:03,309 and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy, and myself. 1910 01:29:03,351 --> 01:29:04,875 But l want a reduced sentence. 1911 01:29:04,919 --> 01:29:06,352 You'd be willing to do that? 1912 01:29:10,992 --> 01:29:15,827 For him, l'd be willing to do anything. 1913 01:29:20,068 --> 01:29:23,469 l'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence. 1914 01:29:23,504 --> 01:29:25,802 That's all right. l'm a junkie with a monkey. 1915 01:29:25,840 --> 01:29:27,899 lf l go to prison, will you wait for me? 1916 01:29:27,942 --> 01:29:29,170 l don't know. 1917 01:29:29,210 --> 01:29:30,837 Will you fuck me when you get out? 1918 01:29:38,119 --> 01:29:41,054 Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out? 1919 01:29:41,089 --> 01:29:42,750 Snoogans. 1920 01:29:46,627 --> 01:29:47,821 [Pbbt] 1921 01:29:50,064 --> 01:29:53,465 Wow, there's a lot of love in the room. 1922 01:29:53,501 --> 01:29:55,799 Regardless of what you may have heard... 1923 01:29:55,837 --> 01:29:57,668 l do not kiss guys. 1924 01:29:57,705 --> 01:30:01,937 OK. Play it cool, hotshot. 1925 01:30:01,976 --> 01:30:03,375 [Both laugh] 1926 01:30:06,481 --> 01:30:09,041 Sorry, Justice. We gotta go. 1927 01:30:10,818 --> 01:30:12,149 Hey, stop stealing monkeys. 1928 01:30:12,186 --> 01:30:14,620 -Fuck you. -Fair enough. 1929 01:30:19,861 --> 01:30:21,385 Wait for me. 1930 01:30:21,429 --> 01:30:22,657 What, here? 1931 01:30:22,697 --> 01:30:24,187 [Laughs] 1932 01:30:36,778 --> 01:30:39,770 Well, boys, you're rich, in love-- 1933 01:30:39,814 --> 01:30:41,509 Well, you're in love. 1934 01:30:41,549 --> 01:30:43,517 To top it off, you got your own monkey. 1935 01:30:43,551 --> 01:30:46,281 What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want? 1936 01:30:46,320 --> 01:30:48,447 Well, to have these fucks stop talking shit about us... 1937 01:30:48,489 --> 01:30:49,956 on the lnternet for starters. 1938 01:30:49,991 --> 01:30:51,151 What have l been telling you? 1939 01:30:51,192 --> 01:30:52,853 There's not much you can do to stop that. 1940 01:30:52,894 --> 01:30:54,725 Well, short of showing up at all their houses... 1941 01:30:54,762 --> 01:30:57,060 and beating the shit out of them, l guess. 1942 01:31:03,471 --> 01:31:05,462 You know, with all the money we're making, man... 1943 01:31:05,506 --> 01:31:07,599 we could buy a lot of plane tickets. 1944 01:31:07,642 --> 01:31:10,406 How many people want to kick some ass 1945 01:31:13,481 --> 01:31:14,641 Yeah? 1946 01:31:14,682 --> 01:31:19,779 Do you post as "Magnolia Fan" on Moviepoopshoot.com? 1947 01:31:19,821 --> 01:31:20,981 Yeah. 1948 01:31:21,022 --> 01:31:24,685 Did you write... "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. 1949 01:31:24,725 --> 01:31:27,626 "Fuck them and their stupid asses"? 1950 01:31:27,662 --> 01:31:29,926 Yeah. A while ago. So? 1951 01:31:29,964 --> 01:31:32,330 How many people want to kick some ass 1952 01:31:32,366 --> 01:31:34,493 l do, l do 1953 01:31:34,535 --> 01:31:37,595 And how many people are sick ofholding it back 1954 01:31:37,638 --> 01:31:38,798 l want... 1955 01:31:38,840 --> 01:31:40,705 On Moviepoopshoot.com... 1956 01:31:40,741 --> 01:31:43,505 did you say Jay and Silent Bob are-- 1957 01:31:43,544 --> 01:31:46,672 quote--"fucking clown shoes, and if they were real... 1958 01:31:46,714 --> 01:31:48,705 "l'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid"? 1959 01:31:48,749 --> 01:31:50,546 -Yeah. -Really? 1960 01:31:50,585 --> 01:31:52,883 How many people are sick ofholding it back 1961 01:31:52,920 --> 01:31:54,387 l am, l am 1962 01:31:54,422 --> 01:31:57,880 How many people want to kick some ass 1963 01:31:59,494 --> 01:32:02,622 How many people want to kick some ass 1964 01:32:05,199 --> 01:32:08,532 How many people want to kick some ass 1965 01:32:08,569 --> 01:32:10,036 What you gonna do 1966 01:32:10,071 --> 01:32:11,368 When you're sick ofholding it back 1967 01:32:11,405 --> 01:32:13,635 That's right. That's it. 1968 01:32:13,674 --> 01:32:15,574 Uh-huh. 1969 01:32:15,610 --> 01:32:19,410 Right. That's right. 1970 01:32:19,447 --> 01:32:21,506 That's right. 1971 01:32:22,517 --> 01:32:25,953 That's right. Right. 1972 01:32:26,954 --> 01:32:28,182 Right. 1973 01:32:28,222 --> 01:32:30,156 l think l'll kick some ass 1974 01:32:30,191 --> 01:32:32,751 How many people want to kick some ass 1975 01:32:32,793 --> 01:32:34,488 l would ifl could 1976 01:32:34,529 --> 01:32:39,626 But l'm reallyjust a sensitive artist 1977 01:32:39,667 --> 01:32:45,037 l'm reallyjust a sensitive artist 1978 01:32:48,075 --> 01:32:49,633 That's beautiful, man. 1979 01:32:49,677 --> 01:32:52,145 Now that was worse than "Clash of the Titans." 1980 01:32:52,180 --> 01:32:54,978 l can't believe Judi Dench played me. 1981 01:32:55,016 --> 01:32:57,075 Heh. Remind me to renew that restraining order. 1982 01:32:57,118 --> 01:32:58,380 Why? 1983 01:32:58,419 --> 01:33:00,887 'Cause l'm gonna blast that flick on the lnternet tonight. 1984 01:33:00,922 --> 01:33:03,584 Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent comic book movie? 1985 01:33:03,624 --> 01:33:05,854 -Tell 'em, Steve-Dave. -Would you stop saying that? 1986 01:33:05,893 --> 01:33:09,624 Well...that was just another paean to male adolescence... 1987 01:33:09,664 --> 01:33:11,632 and its refusal to grow up. 1988 01:33:11,666 --> 01:33:14,134 Yeah, sis, but it was better than "Mallrats." 1989 01:33:14,168 --> 01:33:15,863 At least Holden had the good sense... 1990 01:33:15,903 --> 01:33:17,302 to keep his name off of it. 1991 01:33:17,338 --> 01:33:20,865 Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead... 1992 01:33:20,908 --> 01:33:24,139 the one with you and him and your "relationship"? 1993 01:33:24,178 --> 01:33:28,080 What, "Chasing Amy"? That'd never work as a movie. 1994 01:33:28,115 --> 01:33:29,275 But-- 1995 01:33:29,317 --> 01:33:30,909 l'm so fucking embarrassed. 1996 01:33:30,952 --> 01:33:32,112 Well, honey, you should be. 1997 01:33:32,153 --> 01:33:34,053 Took your characters and turned them... 1998 01:33:34,088 --> 01:33:36,750 into one 90-minute-long gay joke. 1999 01:33:36,791 --> 01:33:38,281 lt's like watching "Batman and Robin" again. 2000 01:33:38,326 --> 01:33:40,487 Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy... 2001 01:33:40,528 --> 01:33:42,155 who pretends to be Shaft... 2002 01:33:42,196 --> 01:33:43,788 as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. 2003 01:33:43,831 --> 01:33:46,561 Uh-uh. l don't hear you complaining nightly. 2004 01:33:47,901 --> 01:33:48,890 l don't get out to the movies much... 2005 01:33:48,935 --> 01:33:50,732 but l just have to say "Bluntman and Chronic"... 2006 01:33:50,771 --> 01:33:51,999 was blunt-tastic. 2007 01:33:52,039 --> 01:33:54,507 Are these leg cuffs really necessary? 2008 01:33:54,541 --> 01:33:56,839 [Laughs] Don't make me shoot you, Justice. 2009 01:33:56,877 --> 01:33:58,504 Yo! 2010 01:33:58,545 --> 01:34:00,172 The party's across the street... 2011 01:34:00,213 --> 01:34:02,681 featuring the greatest band in the world! 2012 01:34:02,716 --> 01:34:05,480 Morris Day and the Time! 2013 01:34:05,519 --> 01:34:07,544 Ooh ooh ah ah ah! 2014 01:34:07,587 --> 01:34:09,578 [Music playing] 2015 01:34:23,503 --> 01:34:24,902 l 2016 01:34:24,938 --> 01:34:27,372 l've been watching you 2017 01:34:27,407 --> 01:34:28,965 l think l want to know you 2018 01:34:29,009 --> 01:34:30,636 Know you 2019 01:34:30,677 --> 01:34:32,668 l said, l 2020 01:34:32,713 --> 01:34:35,113 l'm a little dangerous 2021 01:34:35,148 --> 01:34:36,638 Girl, l'd love to show you 2022 01:34:36,683 --> 01:34:37,877 Show you 2023 01:34:37,918 --> 01:34:40,352 Myjungle love 2024 01:34:40,387 --> 01:34:41,547 Oh 2025 01:34:41,588 --> 01:34:42,987 O-ee-o-ee-o 2026 01:34:43,023 --> 01:34:45,150 l think l want to know you 2027 01:34:45,192 --> 01:34:46,682 Ohh 2028 01:34:46,727 --> 01:34:47,955 Jungle love 2029 01:34:47,994 --> 01:34:49,291 Yeah 2030 01:34:49,329 --> 01:34:50,626 O-ee-o-ee-o 2031 01:34:50,664 --> 01:34:52,222 Girl, l'd love to show you 2032 01:34:52,265 --> 01:34:53,425 Show you 2033 01:34:53,467 --> 01:34:54,627 Wait a minute 2034 01:34:54,668 --> 01:34:56,101 You 2035 01:34:56,136 --> 01:34:58,400 You got a pretty car 2036 01:34:58,438 --> 01:34:59,666 l think l want to drive it 2037 01:34:59,706 --> 01:35:00,866 Drive it 2038 01:35:00,907 --> 01:35:02,306 l ain't playin', baby 2039 01:35:02,342 --> 01:35:04,139 l said, l 2040 01:35:04,177 --> 01:35:05,906 Drive a little dangerous 2041 01:35:05,946 --> 01:35:08,346 l'll take you to the crib, rip you off 2042 01:35:08,381 --> 01:35:10,281 Jungle love, look out 2043 01:35:10,317 --> 01:35:14,117 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah 2044 01:35:14,154 --> 01:35:16,213 l think l want to know you 2045 01:35:16,256 --> 01:35:18,952 Ohh, jungle love 2046 01:35:18,992 --> 01:35:21,426 Yeah, o-ee-o-ee-o 2047 01:35:21,461 --> 01:35:23,986 Girl, l'd love to show you 2048 01:35:24,030 --> 01:35:25,520 Oh, wait a minute 2049 01:35:25,565 --> 01:35:27,396 -Jerome -Morris? 2050 01:35:27,434 --> 01:35:29,095 l think we need to funk them up again 2051 01:35:29,136 --> 01:35:30,865 All right, we'll turn that shit around 2052 01:35:30,904 --> 01:35:32,462 Yes, good call 2053 01:35:47,788 --> 01:35:48,948 Huhh! 2054 01:35:48,989 --> 01:35:50,854 Mmm. 2055 01:35:50,891 --> 01:35:52,085 And l'll be, like... 2056 01:35:52,125 --> 01:35:54,923 "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? 2057 01:35:54,961 --> 01:35:57,896 "The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" 2058 01:35:57,931 --> 01:35:59,899 And she'll be, like, "Oh, l've read on the lnternet... 2059 01:35:59,933 --> 01:36:02,197 "that youse guys are a couple of little fuckholes." 2060 01:36:02,235 --> 01:36:04,726 Ha ha ha! 2061 01:36:04,771 --> 01:36:06,762 [Music playing] 2062 01:36:42,475 --> 01:36:44,943 Yeah, l got a bearskin rug, y'all sing it 2063 01:36:44,978 --> 01:36:46,741 O-ee-o-ee-o 2064 01:36:46,780 --> 01:36:49,010 l got a fireplace, yo, l can't hear ya 2065 01:36:49,049 --> 01:36:50,414 O-ee-o-ee-o 2066 01:36:50,450 --> 01:36:52,645 Well, l'm all the way live L.A. 2067 01:36:52,686 --> 01:36:54,278 O-ee-o-ee-o 2068 01:36:54,321 --> 01:36:56,789 Oh, the things l can do to you 2069 01:36:56,823 --> 01:36:58,723 Play it 2070 01:37:00,460 --> 01:37:02,451 [Cheering] 2071 01:37:09,135 --> 01:37:11,626 Yeah 2072 01:37:11,671 --> 01:37:14,071 Whoo! 2073 01:37:30,657 --> 01:37:32,648 [Cheering] 2074 01:37:35,762 --> 01:37:39,323 lt's like l don't care about nothin', man 2075 01:37:41,268 --> 01:37:43,133 Roll another blunt 2076 01:37:43,169 --> 01:37:44,329 Yeah 2077 01:37:44,371 --> 01:37:45,998 Ooh ooh ooh 2078 01:37:46,039 --> 01:37:48,337 Aw, cool 2079 01:37:48,375 --> 01:37:50,138 [lnhaling] 2080 01:37:50,176 --> 01:37:52,167 La da da da da da 2081 01:37:52,212 --> 01:37:53,702 Yeah, yeah 2082 01:37:53,747 --> 01:37:56,079 La da da da 2083 01:37:56,116 --> 01:37:57,447 La da da da 2084 01:37:57,484 --> 01:37:59,145 La da da da 2085 01:37:59,185 --> 01:38:01,176 La da da daaa 2086 01:38:01,221 --> 01:38:02,848 Yeah 2087 01:38:02,889 --> 01:38:05,187 l was gonna clean my room 2088 01:38:05,225 --> 01:38:07,659 Until l got high 2089 01:38:07,694 --> 01:38:10,822 l was gonna get up and find the broom 2090 01:38:10,864 --> 01:38:13,856 But then l got high 2091 01:38:13,900 --> 01:38:17,836 My room is still messed up, and l know why 2092 01:38:17,871 --> 01:38:19,099 Why, man? 2093 01:38:19,139 --> 01:38:20,731 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2094 01:38:20,774 --> 01:38:22,264 Because l got high 2095 01:38:22,309 --> 01:38:24,402 Because l got high 2096 01:38:24,444 --> 01:38:26,207 La da da da da da da 2097 01:38:26,246 --> 01:38:28,237 l was gonna go to class 2098 01:38:28,281 --> 01:38:29,714 Before l got high 2099 01:38:29,749 --> 01:38:31,478 Come on, y'all, check it out 2100 01:38:31,518 --> 01:38:33,782 l coulda cheated, and l coulda passed 2101 01:38:33,820 --> 01:38:36,789 But l got high 2102 01:38:36,823 --> 01:38:41,123 l'm taking it next semester, and l know why 2103 01:38:41,161 --> 01:38:42,321 Why, man? 2104 01:38:42,362 --> 01:38:44,227 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2105 01:38:44,264 --> 01:38:47,563 Because l got high, because l got high 2106 01:38:47,600 --> 01:38:48,862 Go to the next one 2107 01:38:48,902 --> 01:38:51,200 l was gonna go to work 2108 01:38:51,237 --> 01:38:52,795 But then l got high 2109 01:38:52,839 --> 01:38:54,773 Ooh ooh 2110 01:38:54,808 --> 01:38:57,208 ljust got a new promotion 2111 01:38:57,243 --> 01:38:59,473 But l got high 2112 01:38:59,512 --> 01:39:01,002 La da da da da da 2113 01:39:01,047 --> 01:39:04,175 Now l'm selling dope, and l know why 2114 01:39:04,217 --> 01:39:05,650 Why, man? 2115 01:39:05,685 --> 01:39:07,243 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2116 01:39:07,287 --> 01:39:08,584 Because l got high 2117 01:39:08,621 --> 01:39:10,646 Because l got high 2118 01:39:10,690 --> 01:39:12,658 La da da da da da da 2119 01:39:12,692 --> 01:39:14,592 l was gonna go to court 2120 01:39:14,627 --> 01:39:16,822 Before l got high 2121 01:39:16,863 --> 01:39:20,299 l was gonna pay my child support 2122 01:39:20,333 --> 01:39:21,732 But then l got high 2123 01:39:21,768 --> 01:39:23,759 No, you wasn't 2124 01:39:23,803 --> 01:39:26,897 They took my whole paycheck, and l know why 2125 01:39:26,940 --> 01:39:28,202 Why, man? 2126 01:39:28,241 --> 01:39:30,232 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2127 01:39:30,276 --> 01:39:31,766 Because l got high 2128 01:39:31,811 --> 01:39:33,904 Because l got high 2129 01:39:33,947 --> 01:39:35,744 La da da da da da da 2130 01:39:35,782 --> 01:39:37,773 l wasn't gonna run from the cops 2131 01:39:37,817 --> 01:39:39,409 But l was high 2132 01:39:39,452 --> 01:39:40,942 l'm serious, man 2133 01:39:40,987 --> 01:39:43,455 l was gonna pull right over and stop 2134 01:39:43,490 --> 01:39:46,721 But l was high 2135 01:39:46,760 --> 01:39:50,457 Now l'm a paraplegic, and l know why 2136 01:39:50,497 --> 01:39:51,759 Why, man? 2137 01:39:51,798 --> 01:39:53,459 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2138 01:39:53,500 --> 01:39:54,967 Because l got high 2139 01:39:55,001 --> 01:39:56,992 Because l got high 2140 01:39:57,037 --> 01:39:58,800 La da da da da da da 2141 01:39:58,838 --> 01:40:00,829 l was gonna pay my car note 2142 01:40:00,874 --> 01:40:02,034 Until l got high 2143 01:40:02,075 --> 01:40:03,474 Say what, say what 2144 01:40:03,510 --> 01:40:06,604 l wasn't gonna gamble on the boat 2145 01:40:06,646 --> 01:40:09,581 But then l got high 2146 01:40:09,616 --> 01:40:13,575 Now the tow truck's pulling away, and l know why 2147 01:40:13,620 --> 01:40:14,882 Why, man? 2148 01:40:14,921 --> 01:40:16,513 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2149 01:40:16,556 --> 01:40:18,114 Because l got high 2150 01:40:18,158 --> 01:40:19,887 Because l got high 2151 01:40:19,926 --> 01:40:21,951 La da da da da da da 2152 01:40:21,995 --> 01:40:23,860 l was gonna make love to you 2153 01:40:23,897 --> 01:40:25,592 But then l got high 2154 01:40:25,632 --> 01:40:26,963 l'm serious 2155 01:40:27,000 --> 01:40:29,560 l was gonna eat yo pussy, too 2156 01:40:29,602 --> 01:40:33,129 But then l got high 2157 01:40:33,173 --> 01:40:37,041 Now l'mjacking off, and l know why 2158 01:40:37,077 --> 01:40:38,408 Turn the shit off 2159 01:40:38,445 --> 01:40:39,605 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2160 01:40:39,646 --> 01:40:40,806 Keep going 2161 01:40:40,847 --> 01:40:43,645 Hey, do that over, man 2162 01:40:43,683 --> 01:40:44,980 La da da da da da da 2163 01:40:45,018 --> 01:40:47,077 l messed up my entire life 2164 01:40:47,120 --> 01:40:49,088 Because l got high 2165 01:40:49,122 --> 01:40:50,419 Go, go, go 2166 01:40:50,457 --> 01:40:52,925 l lost my kids and wife 2167 01:40:52,959 --> 01:40:54,790 Because l got high 2168 01:40:54,828 --> 01:40:56,489 Say what, say what 2169 01:40:56,529 --> 01:40:59,965 Now l'm sleeping on the sidewalk, and l know why 2170 01:40:59,999 --> 01:41:01,261 Why, man? 2171 01:41:01,301 --> 01:41:02,893 Yeah, 'cause l got high 2172 01:41:02,936 --> 01:41:04,198 Because l got high 2173 01:41:04,237 --> 01:41:06,228 Because l got high 2174 01:41:06,272 --> 01:41:08,570 La da da da da da da 2175 01:41:08,608 --> 01:41:10,269 l'm gonna stop singing this song 2176 01:41:10,310 --> 01:41:11,937 Because l'm high 2177 01:41:11,978 --> 01:41:13,673 Present tense 2178 01:41:13,713 --> 01:41:16,011 l'm singing this whole thing wrong 2179 01:41:16,049 --> 01:41:19,018 Because l'm high 2180 01:41:19,052 --> 01:41:23,318 And ifl don't sell one copy l'll know why 2181 01:41:23,356 --> 01:41:24,550 Why, man? 2182 01:41:24,591 --> 01:41:26,149 Yeah, 'cause l'm high 2183 01:41:26,192 --> 01:41:27,750 'Cause l'm high 2184 01:41:27,794 --> 01:41:29,227 'Cause l'm high 2185 01:41:29,262 --> 01:41:31,059 Are you really high now, man? 2186 01:41:31,097 --> 01:41:34,589 La da da da da da 2187 01:41:34,634 --> 01:41:35,931 He really is high, man 2188 01:41:35,969 --> 01:41:37,197 Shoop shoop shooby doo wah 2189 01:41:37,237 --> 01:41:38,602 Getjiggy with it 2190 01:41:38,638 --> 01:41:40,902 Skippedy be bop doo wah 2191 01:41:40,940 --> 01:41:43,465 Oh, bring it back, bring it back, bring it back 2192 01:41:43,510 --> 01:41:44,670 La da da da da da 2193 01:41:44,711 --> 01:41:46,042 Lee doo doo doo doo 2194 01:41:46,079 --> 01:41:47,979 Say what, say what, oh 2195 01:41:48,014 --> 01:41:49,208 'Cause l'm high 2196 01:41:49,249 --> 01:41:50,807 'Cause l'm high 2197 01:41:50,850 --> 01:41:52,181 'Cause l'm high 2198 01:41:52,218 --> 01:41:54,015 [Clucking] 2199 01:41:54,053 --> 01:41:59,548 Yo, my name is Afroman, and l'm from East Palmdale 2200 01:41:59,592 --> 01:42:05,053 And all the weed l be smokin' is farmer's hay 2201 01:42:05,098 --> 01:42:06,725 Excellent delivery 2202 01:42:06,766 --> 01:42:09,633 l don't believe in Hitler, that's what l said 2203 01:42:09,669 --> 01:42:10,829 Oh, my goodness 2204 01:42:10,870 --> 01:42:12,633 So all ofyou skins 2205 01:42:12,672 --> 01:42:13,934 Skins? 2206 01:42:13,973 --> 01:42:15,804 Please give me more head 2207 01:42:15,842 --> 01:42:18,538 Motherfuck, ha ha 2208 01:42:18,578 --> 01:42:20,273 [Clucks] 2209 01:42:20,313 --> 01:42:23,339 Afro-motherfuckin'-m-a-n 2210 01:42:23,383 --> 01:42:24,714 M-a-n 2211 01:42:24,751 --> 01:42:27,879 Yeah, yeah, yeah 2212 01:42:27,921 --> 01:42:29,388 Unh, unh 2213 01:42:29,422 --> 01:42:32,084 A-E-l-O-U 2214 01:42:32,125 --> 01:42:34,958 And sometimes W 2215 01:42:34,994 --> 01:42:37,861 We ain't gonna sell none of these motherfuckin' albums 2216 01:42:37,897 --> 01:42:40,525 Let's go back and hang some more chickens, cuz 2217 01:42:40,567 --> 01:42:42,000 Fuck it 2218 01:42:42,035 --> 01:42:45,129 Fuck the corporate world, bi-yatch! 2219 01:43:59,279 --> 01:44:00,439 JA Y: Snoogans. 2220 01:44:00,480 --> 01:44:01,640 JUSTlCE: What the heck is that? 2221 01:44:01,681 --> 01:44:03,273 JA Y: What the fuck do you think it means? 2222 01:44:03,316 --> 01:44:04,510 lt means l'm kiddin'. 2223 01:44:06,085 --> 01:44:08,076 [Choir singing] 2224 01:44:10,790 --> 01:44:12,257 [Thump]