{1}{1}23.976
{1029}{1053}Turn it up.
{1612}{1644}Dang.
{1683}{1739}That's what I'm talking about. L.A.!
{2032}{2076}Radio station ID.
{2083}{2142}Coming to work. Joe Dirté.
{2147}{2232}Don't try and church it up, son.|Don't you mean Joe Dirt?
{2239}{2311}Naming you that, your daddy|must have really hated you.
{2316}{2353}You're wrong, brother.
{2359}{2407}I got a good name|for this car: Rusty.
{2424}{2472}- Shit'll buff out.|- Don't bother.
{2479}{2556}Drive this piece of crap off a cliff.|Do us all a favor.
{2575}{2631}This look like a piece of crap|to you?!
{2651}{2695}You like them spinning tires?
{2743}{2783}- You suck!|- You do!
{3005}{3049}Did he hurt you, baby?
{3144}{3231}People like that security guard|don't really mean what they say.
{3236}{3289}They just got their own issues.
{3295}{3352}All's I got to do is keep|being a good person.
{3356}{3423}No matter what,|good things'll come my way.
{3428}{3529}Everything will happen for me, as long|as I never have "no" in my heart.
{3535}{3623}Can't a guy even take a dump|in peace? Psycho.
{3628}{3681}- Fucking cocksucker.|- Right on.
{3692}{3735}Things are going to happen for me.
{3747}{3772}I'm Joe Dirt!
{3908}{3960}I'm going to the restroom|to take a big Joe.
{3967}{4019}Don't forget to wipe your dirt.
{4060}{4104}You boys got something to say?
{4109}{4195}Why don't you talk in the microphone?|I got a backup mike right here.
{4200}{4250}Check, one, two. Testing, testing.
{4255}{4336}They both work and they don't|like no feedback. What's up?
{4443}{4485}What's going on? Keep it down.
{4491}{4599}Zander Kelly's on the air.|What's the deal with your haircut?
{4607}{4700}I'm sorry about the noise, sir.|This ain't no haircut. This is a wig.
{4705}{4754}A wig... Look at you.
{4759}{4783}Jesus!
{4804}{4875}I got somebody I want you to meet.|Come with me.
{4888}{4919}Come on back.
{4948}{5013}Yeah, that's what I thought.|This is Zander Kelly.
{5039}{5067}You're listening to 98.6, KXLA.
{5072}{5133}All-aberration radio, all the time.
{5139}{5196}Zander. You got to see this guy.
{5200}{5290}God almighty! Manna from|inbred heaven. Hey, freak-boy.
{5295}{5356}1976 called.|It wants its hairstyle back.
{5361}{5397}Zander, get this: This is a wig.
{5403}{5513}What are you wearing a wig for? You|doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?
{5519}{5588}Freddy, go get "Free Bird"- boy here|an all-access laminate...
{5592}{5670}...for the show in perpetuity. I'm|wringing this chamois as long as I can.
{5675}{5772}You are exquisitely pathetic.|What's your name, pal?
{5777}{5862}Joe Dirt, but if you're just gonna make|fun of me, I'll go back to mopping.
{5867}{5909}Sit down. Let me take another tact.
{5915}{6000}Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?
{6012}{6069}I was born without the top of my skull.
{6075}{6155}A little bit of my brains was showing,|grossing everybody out.
{6172}{6238}So my mom put this wig on me|to cover it up...
{6243}{6283}...and then the bones grew together...
{6311}{6371}...and it got all infused and entwined.
{6376}{6433}I don't mean to get all scientific|or whatever.
{6439}{6487}Why didn't your mom|change the wig later?
{6492}{6611}Actually, we got separated|when I was eight. I got lost.
{6616}{6668}You been on your own|since eight years old?
{6673}{6727}Pretty much.|It's a long story, actually.
{6731}{6755}Listen to you.
{6760}{6827}What's the story here?|"I'm a white-trash idiot. " The end.
{6832}{6926}Is this where you want to be when Jesus|comes back, making fun of Joe Dirt?
{6931}{6994}Probably, because I'm sure Yahweh|would be chiming in too.
{7016}{7080}Funny, because my mom used to say that|if she caught me doing stuff.
{7085}{7164}Like one time, I was jerking|my gherkin... Can I say that?
{7169}{7232}She goes, "Is this where you want|to be when Jesus comes back?"
{7240}{7320}A real winner. It's amazing to me|you turned out like you did...
{7325}{7380}...with that sort of mentoring.
{7384}{7422}I can't say don't make fun of me...
{7428}{7463}...but you shouldn't make fun|of my mom.
{7468}{7532}Guys, you got to hear this guy|on the Zander show.
{7537}{7571}You're on your own.
{7576}{7620}The family's ditched you. What next?
{7624}{7692}Do you really care? It's actually not|an easy story to tell.
{7697}{7755}I got four hours a day to fill, man.
{7760}{7821}It's not often I get a freak|plopped into my lap.
{7827}{7875}Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me.
{7887}{7913}All right, man.
{7919}{7995}My parents, my sister and I|all went to the Grand Canyon.
{8000}{8066}While they checked out the sights|and donkeys and whatnot...
{8071}{8135}- ... I somehow got separated from them.|- Makes his shot.
{8157}{8225}Hey, Dad. Look. It's the good stuff.
{8231}{8309}None of that pussy Skoal. Right, Dad?
{8316}{8341}Dad?
{8349}{8376}Mom!
{8391}{8448}Dad! Mom!
{8475}{8501}Where are you?!
{8516}{8539}Dad!
{8573}{8624}Mom! Where are you?!
{8659}{8712}You can come out now.
{8767}{8795}So there I was.
{8800}{8873}A lot of kids would have been scared|but I was tough about it.
{8879}{8931}I walked till the cops picked me up...
{8936}{8991}...and put me into a foster home.
{8999}{9057}One guy I fostered out to|for about a month.
{9063}{9113}He'd take me hunting with him|and his dog.
{9119}{9199}I thought hunting would be,|you know, more fun than it was.
{9233}{9313}See, boy, he goes off and fetches|the duck. You see how that works?
{9324}{9347}Fun, huh?
{9444}{9516}After that, I spent time|with people who worked on a farm.
{9537}{9623}I learned cows don't find|bottle rockets as funny as I do.
{9985}{10053}Then there was this old lady|who had me for a couple weeks.
{10059}{10123}I don't want to be unkind,|but she was a little off-balanced.
{10128}{10172}Scrub clean before supper.
{10177}{10246}And that means wash|under your fingernails...
{10251}{10344}...and back of your ears|and dress in your Sunday best.
{10349}{10461}I expect your schoolwork done every|night, laid out for my inspection.
{10467}{10505}- Is that clear?|- Yes, ma'am.
{10511}{10560}Can I push him off my leg?
{10571}{10642}He'll stop humping|as soon as he's done.
{10680}{10731}Well, the year was 1982.
{10736}{10816}I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten|in a little trouble here and there...
{10821}{10872}...so I was in a juvie home|for boys...
{10887}{10973}...and I was getting ready|to split that scene, and pronto.
{11088}{11112}Bob Seger?
{11116}{11203}Be honest, it was Leif Garrett.|It was probably more like this:
{11333}{11427}No, sir, man. I don't like that crap.|I'm a rocker, through and through.
{11431}{11534}Here's my favorite bands: ACIDC,|Van Halen, not Van Hagar...
{11539}{11584}- ... Skynyrd, Def Lepp-|- All right.
{11588}{11651}Don't make me|call your probey officer.
{11671}{11707}And riddle me this:
{11712}{11804}Other than the fact that you dig|looking like Jane Fonda in Klute...
{11812}{11869}...why don't you cut the wig now?
{11908}{11988}Well, yeah. I guess I could do that.
{11993}{12067}Zander just asked this Joe Dirt|why he doesn't cut the wig.
{12072}{12113}You can tell he's never|thought of that.
{12119}{12175}Except for the ratty stache|and the pork chops...
{12180}{12259}...you're pretty clean-shaven for|a kid who lives in a trash can. No?
{12263}{12352}I don't need to shave because it don't|grow in right here and here.
{12361}{12451}You're telling me you were|so ingrained with white-trash DNA...
{12456}{12567}...your facial hair actually grows in|on its own all white-trashy like that?
{12572}{12661}I don't know what you're saying,|but that's what's going on, yeah.
{12672}{12780}So back to the story here.|You're on your own...
{12785}{12841}I'm just camping out or whatever...
{12855}{12949}...and this goes on for years until|one night, something amazing happened.
{13035}{13083}Man, a shooting star.
{13093}{13139}I got to make a wish.
{13151}{13269}I wish I knew what happened that|one day at that Grand Canyon place.
{13587}{13615}It's a meteorite!
{13633}{13712}Whoa, check it out. That's cool.|Oh, man, look at you.
{13717}{13799}You're probably made of precious|metal, and everyone'll want you.
{13803}{13860}But you want to be with me! Right on!
{13864}{13933}You're Joe Meteorite,|and I'm Joe Dirt!
{14020}{14105}Here on earth,|we call this place the town.
{14115}{14218}A town is a place where everyone|hates you. Kids try to beat you up.
{14223}{14264}- Oh, yes. It's so flat.|- Awesome.
{14269}{14371}This is going to be awesome.|Holy crap, ladies.
{14376}{14459}Hey, junior dirt bag.|You talking to your rock?
{14465}{14523}It ain't no rock.|It's a meteor, dum-dum.
{14528}{14606}Did it land on your barber's head|while he was cutting your hair?
{14611}{14671}Go practice falling down.|I'll be there in a minute.
{14684}{14728}You want to fight, you little queer?
{14735}{14760}Queer?
{14769}{14802}Is this queer?
{14807}{14868}These queer? What's up? What's up?
{14873}{14903}He must be retarded.
{14908}{14953}Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.
{14960}{15016}- Come on, let's go.|- Yeah? You are.
{15021}{15091}I mean, you aren't worth it.
{15100}{15196}I told them, Meteor.|You have my back. You're cool.
{15203}{15250}What's that?
{15309}{15381}Five dollars. That's mine now.
{15387}{15494}You're my lucky meteor. Right on.|I'll hold your half for you.
{15539}{15620}Meteor, we call this here being|in burger heaven.
{15807}{15844}We need to find a home.
{15876}{15939}We need some stability|in our life, man.
{15957}{15997}We need to settle down.
{16027}{16072}Life gets hard, you know.
{16581}{16623}Come on now.
{16637}{16676}It's a little bumpy.
{16781}{16855}Look at that town, Meteor.|That's pretty.
{16865}{16948}I bet people in a town like that'll|be nice to us.
{16963}{16999}Let's go down there.
{17025}{17059}Come on.
{17123}{17208}No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor.|Not in a million years.
{17213}{17295}But just for laughs,|let's see how much you're worth.
{17319}{17362}Well, it ain't a meteor.
{17367}{17408}It is. It came out of the sky.
{17413}{17539}I'm sure it did, but it ain't a meteor.|It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.
{17544}{17575}- What?|- Oh, yeah.
{17580}{17682}Airplanes dump their toilets 36,000|feet, stuff freezes, falls to earth.
{17687}{17740}We call them Boeing bombs.
{17763}{17819}That can't be. That's not what it is.
{17824}{17851}I'm afraid so.
{17875}{17946}You see the peanut? Dead giveaway.
{17952}{18020}Yeah, that's a space peanut.
{18025}{18053}I'm afraid not.
{18059}{18124}This is a big old frozen|chunk of poopie.
{18217}{18257}Dude, you were eating off it.
{18263}{18289}Oh, God.
{18295}{18364}Okay. That's too much, too much.|Then what happened?
{18372}{18407}Well, then I got a dog.
{18412}{18496}You're saying you'd rather have a dog|than a frozen hunk of crap.
{18575}{18646}It wasn't really my dog.|It was this girl's dog.
{18651}{18759}I was living in the woods outside of|that postcard town I said. Silvertown.
{18768}{18835}I'd come in to steal stuff,|you know, food, whatever.
{18840}{18883}And then one winter...
{19244}{19271}Are you okay, boy?
{19331}{19393}Oh, no, are your nuts|frozen to the porch?
{19489}{19523}Oh, that sucks.
{19531}{19569}Don't pull on them.
{19695}{19729}- Who are you?|- It's okay.
{19735}{19792}I was just walking by.|Your dog's in a little trouble.
{19797}{19839}- What's wrong?|- I think his...
{19844}{19926}You know how when you get your|tongue frozen in a freezer...
{19931}{20012}...because it's all wet?|I think he got-
{20016}{20069}- Nuts frozen to the porch?|- Yes, exactly.
{20075}{20123}Oh, baby. Well, what do we do?
{20128}{20193}We got to do something...|Do you have something inside?
{20228}{20252}Don't pull on them.
{20263}{20333}It's okay. Don't move,|it'll stretch them more. That's bad.
{20371}{20417}No. That's wrong.
{20423}{20498}No, that's way wrong.|Do you got like warm water and...
{20503}{20549}- A fork!|- Yeah. No. What?
{20579}{20643}A spatula thing. The flat one.
{20648}{20713}I'm sorry, buddy.|Just give her a second. Dang.
{20719}{20760}I got it. Now what?
{20765}{20870}Now here's what we do. I just pour a|little water on here. You hold him.
{20875}{20899}Easy.
{20904}{20984}Ain't no flapjack, I'd go easy.|Should loosen it up a little bit...
{20988}{21045}I don't want to look. I'm sorry.
{21072}{21115}One, two, three, go.
{21140}{21201}There. Hey, buddy, you're free!
{21221}{21271}- Good boy!|- Good job.
{21279}{21371}You might want to spray this porch|with Pam, so it don't happen again.
{21403}{21439}What's his name?
{21464}{21487}Charlie.
{21496}{21524}And mine's Brandy.
{21529}{21560}Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.
{21565}{21621}- Nice to meet you.|- Nice to meet you too.
{21627}{21725}Get your ass in the kitchen. Fire up|that stove, you got some cooking to do.
{21739}{21801}Daddy? Can we have my new friend|Joe, over for supper?
{21807}{21879}Are you nuts, girl? We ain't running|no soup kitchen here, boy.
{21885}{21912}Scat! Get out of here!
{21937}{21972}Long-haired hippie freak.
{21977}{22012}He's mean.
{22140}{22180}I'll be your friend.
{22189}{22239}For some reason,|and I have no idea why...
{22251}{22303}...Brandy always wanted|to hang out with me.
{22308}{22349}I had Charlie, so that was cool.
{22407}{22498}For the next couple years, the three|of us was hanging out at the farm.
{22503}{22567}That was the closest thing|I ever had to a home.
{22576}{22610}Till one day...
{22837}{22897}- Oh, Dirt, did I get you?|- No, I'm cool.
{22903}{22963}No, you're not. Where's Brandy?
{22968}{23027}She's riding her horse.|She'll be back in a minute.
{23032}{23070}You guys want to play bumper pool?
{23075}{23098}No.
{23119}{23153}How does she put up with you, Dirt?
{23159}{23191}That's a good question.
{23196}{23229}She's great though, ain't she?
{23241}{23285}You know, sometimes it's like...
{23291}{23326}...she likes me or something.
{23331}{23371}Dream on, Dirt-boy.
{23376}{23424}A girl like that's out of your league.
{23429}{23472}She wants my body.
{23499}{23576}No, I know, man, that's all...|That's for you. I'm not...
{23581}{23624}We're friends.|She's out of my league.
{23629}{23681}Don't ever forget it, Dirt.
{23747}{23773}Check this out, Robbie.
{23779}{23815}This is a good month. Dang.
{23820}{23900}This guy's got a dashmat|for a '69 Nova he wants to sell...
{23905}{24003}...and a car cover|for any Dodge from '79 to '84.
{24017}{24052}You don't even have a car.
{24056}{24160}I know, but that's a deal. They're|usually 80 bucks and this guy wants 40.
{24165}{24209}Look at this. Charlie, see that?
{24215}{24284}This guy's selling a Hurst|speed shifter with a pool-ball grip.
{24289}{24331}One day I'll have a car that bad-ass.
{24336}{24399}I'll be chirping gears|and pulling brodies, going...
{24420}{24501}You'll stick your head out the window,|check out chick-dogs, "What's up?"
{24507}{24552}Boy, I swear, I'll slap you silly.
{24557}{24672}Tell you what: Why don't you practice|spitting out teeth, because I will-
{25268}{25292}Come here.
{25360}{25386}What's up, goat-roper?
{25391}{25415}Not much, pig-licker.
{25420}{25496}Watch the gun, baby.|That's how I get the gals.
{25501}{25553}Come on.|I'll treat you to a Dairy Queen.
{25573}{25619}Why are you being all nice?
{25624}{25687}I am always nice to you, Joe Dirt.
{25709}{25736}Can I come too?
{25745}{25817}Robbie, I only have enough money|for me and Joe.
{25863}{25903}Come on, Joe. Let's do it.
{25908}{25964}- Come on, Charlie.|- Come on, boy!
{25999}{26073}Oh, God. She is so fine.
{26120}{26193}One day, I'm gonna marry that girl.
{26712}{26753}Oh, there you are.
{26761}{26790}Give me that mutt.
{26795}{26885}- Take him hunting with me.|- Daddy. You've been drinking.
{26891}{26951}Shut the hell up.|Just give me the mutt now.
{26956}{27048}If you take the dog, I'll go with him|because I've been hunting before.
{27052}{27128}You hunt? I wouldn't even|use you as a retriever.
{27152}{27208}That's a good one.|Charlie, get in the car.
{27280}{27315}Charlie, you mangy mutt!
{27320}{27388}Get in the damn car,|you flea-bitten...
{27392}{27447}...butt-licking...
{27459}{27499}...son of a bitch.
{27650}{27690}Two.
{27712}{27746}Yeah! What?
{27843}{27892}Hey, my foot's stuck!
{28007}{28072}Charlie, come here.|Come here now. Come here, Charlie.
{28096}{28153}My foot's stuck. See my foot's stuck?
{28158}{28227}I need your help. I need you|to go find Sheriff Williams.
{28232}{28292}Now go on. Go get him. Go get help.
{28297}{28367}Go get him. Run, Charlie.|Run like the wind!
{28404}{28440}Run!
{28458}{28498}Run, Charlie.
{28718}{28778}That stupid dog better|be bringing somebody.
{28875}{28924}Your dad always hunt this long?
{28941}{28967}Hey, there's Charlie!
{29014}{29078}There's my buddy. Where've you been?
{29170}{29195}There you go, Don.
{29208}{29241}Take her easy.
{29315}{29338}Oh, my God!
{29344}{29378}There's that worthless mutt.
{29383}{29406}What happened?
{29411}{29451}It's that goddamn dog's fault!
{29456}{29496}Now I'm putting him down.
{29501}{29568}- No, you can't! Don't!|- Guess who came back, Charlie?!
{29712}{29797}Joe, he's okay now.|He's in dog heaven.
{29802}{29858}You gave him some great last years.
{29872}{29967}Sprinkle his ashes.|They'll drift out to sea.
{29986}{30014}He would have liked that.
{30096}{30126}I can't do it.
{30196}{30228}I'm taking him with me.
{30241}{30308}Taking him with you? But...
{30319}{30358}...where are you going?
{30376}{30404}You see that moon?
{30443}{30524}You don't know how many nights|I spend alone staring at that moon...
{30528}{30632}...wondering if at that moment, my mom|or my dad was looking at it too.
{30645}{30752}And for that brief second, we were|together again, kind of. You know?
{30806}{30871}When I was with Charlie,|I didn't miss that moon so much.
{30908}{30972}Brandy, I got a hole in my heart.|I don't know how to fix it.
{30986}{31088}I gotta find out what happened|at the Grand Canyon. I gotta do it.
{31112}{31214}But what if when you're gone,|some guy asks me to marry him...
{31219}{31245}...and you're not here?
{31250}{31331}What's that got to do with me?|We'll always be buddies.
{31336}{31408}Well, if I get married...
{31415}{31464}...we might move and...
{31470}{31513}...you might not know|where to find me.
{31518}{31571}You are gonna make some guy so happy.
{31576}{31654}I just hope whoever he is,|he deserves a girl like you.
{31712}{31760}God, that Brandy has a nice ass.
{31765}{31860}I got this loser talking about|the moon and walking his dog.
{31864}{31945}All the time, I'm thinking about|Brandy's well-manicured backyard...
{31950}{32000}...and those cut-off shorts.
{32005}{32038}Yeah, she's cool.
{32043}{32112}So there I was on my own again|looking for my parents.
{32117}{32166}- But I don't know their last names.|- It's Dirt.
{32171}{32240}Isn't that the name|on the family crest? Dirt.
{32245}{32332}No, my last name's Dirt.|My dad made it Dirt, for some reason.
{32337}{32408}I just put an "e" on it,|pronounce it "Dirté. "
{32413}{32469}It's no big deal.|It actually sounds pretty cool.
{32474}{32510}But I don't know their last name...
{32516}{32599}...and I remember my sister yelling|at my face when I was growing up...
{32607}{32693}That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!|That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!
{32699}{32748}That's why Dad named you|Joe Dirt instead of...
{32753}{32802}I couldn't remember my real last name.
{32807}{32859}- I knew they'd be hard to find.|- So what'd you do?
{32864}{32895}I needed some money.
{32927}{33015}I hopped a train out of Silvertown|and headed east for the big city.
{33132}{33167}Then I got lucky.
{33171}{33243}I got myself a real important job|in advertising.
{33247}{33336}Molar World. Walk-ins welcome.|There you go.
{33341}{33428}Molar World. One for the kid? Sure.
{33479}{33520}What's up?
{33525}{33560}Oh, my God!
{33565}{33660}Competition, orange '67.|This thing's a Hemi!
{33695}{33739}Ma'am, are you selling this car?
{33744}{33795}Literally just went onto the market.
{33799}{33833}Well, how much for it?
{33867}{33891}What do you got?
{33911}{33970}Practically nothing.|I'm looking for my parents.
{33975}{34039}They lost me at the Grand Canyon|more than ten years ago.
{34044}{34111}All my money goes towards that.|I don't have pictures of them.
{34117}{34172}You don't even have a picture?
{34181}{34251}Well, you know, my ex-husband,|before he died...
{34255}{34292}Oh. I'm sorry.
{34297}{34362}No. I killed him.|He used to beat me.
{34367}{34436}So one night I just pushed him|into the wood chipper.
{34455}{34487}Told the cops he fell.
{34512}{34536}Good for you.
{34547}{34657}But he used to be a police|sketch artist. He was damn good too.
{34663}{34769}Victims gave him the worst descriptions|and he'd draw them like photographs.
{34775}{34874}He could do anything.|You know? Like age progression and-
{34879}{34945}That's what I'll do for my parents.|How much that cost?
{34984}{35019}About 360 bucks.
{35033}{35093}Then that's what I need to make.|Thank you.
{35099}{35158}Sorry I can't buy your beautiful Hemi.
{35167}{35224}Oh, no. You can.
{35229}{35279}Give me what's in your pocket|and she's yours.
{35284}{35305}For real?!
{35360}{35431}You hear that, Charlie?|We got us a Hemi, brother.
{35439}{35482}That lady gave me a great idea.
{35487}{35531}Dirt! Storm's coming in!
{35536}{35616}Get up on that roof|and put some bricks in the tooth!
{35959}{35983}My tooth!
{35987}{36021}My tooth!
{36051}{36098}Back! Go back!
{36168}{36216}I can see down your shirt!
{36225}{36249}What an ass!
{36260}{36319}Hey, boss, I'm going on a break!
{36583}{36633}Airplane! Help me!
{36911}{36955}Oh, that's not professional.
{37377}{37427}I'd floated all the way|to North Dakota.
{37432}{37523}There I was, scared to death as I|dropped like a stone from the sky.
{37619}{37655}Go back! Go back!
{37887}{37934}Then an amazing thing happened.
{37939}{38003}I landed by an oil rig,|and they was hiring people.
{38008}{38063}The wage was like a sign from above...
{38092}{38112}...that I was meant|to find my parents.
{38176}{38214}Hey, Joe, come on down!
{38219}{38254}Get the drill!
{38343}{38395}Yeah, baby. Come on now. Get loose.
{38439}{38534}Whoops, that's me! I got it!|It's pumping. I'll pay for this!
{38551}{38583}I'm new!
{38591}{38647}I'm new! I don't know what to do!
{38796}{38851}You done with that apple core?
{38879}{38931}I'm done with that fart. Want that?
{38948}{39022}Maybe if it came out of Charlene|Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.
{39027}{39072}You probably like J.R., you queer.
{39077}{39173}I saw your bumper sticker:|"Cowboys' butts drive me nuts. "
{39179}{39264}Is that right? You think|that's queer? Is this queer?
{39269}{39323}They're larging and charging,|looking for chickies.
{39345}{39370}You want to back that up?
{39375}{39456}Want to fight? Why don't you stick|your head up my butt and fight for air?
{39464}{39519}That's it. You and me. Let's go.
{39540}{39600}I'd love to beat your ass|up and down this place.
{39605}{39642}I got to go back to work.
{39651}{39739}Joe Dirt. You're fired.|Here's your week's pay.
{39821}{39845}Dang.
{39995}{40039}What's up here? What's down there?
{40047}{40100}What's going on, man? Here I come.
{40237}{40291}Luckily, my neck broke my fall.
{40352}{40399}I guess you won the battle.
{40424}{40452}But I won the war.
{40457}{40540}If you're covered in oil,|don't stand next to a fire.
{40587}{40639}Now that's day-one stuff.
{40751}{40824}Keep that Skoal, baby.|That's what I'm talking about.
{40911}{41003}So I had my 360 bucks. The next day|I would try the police sketch thing.
{41008}{41045}But something happened to my head.
{41051}{41142}I spent the night in what I thought|was an abandoned circus tent.
{41147}{41191}But I guess it was no circus.
{41196}{41255}I was totally bombed|on insecticide, I think.
{41411}{41513}So needless to say, I was in no shape|to do any good with my recollections.
{41535}{41594}The police sketcher|thought I was messing with him...
{41600}{41665}...because my dad came out|looking like Father Time...
{41671}{41708}...and my mom came out too butch...
{41713}{41811}...looking like Richard Ramirez,|the Night Stalker. Remember him?
{41851}{41943}As my head cleared, I realized|I needed a different approach.
{41948}{42022}Then I got a brainstorm:|Hire an Indian tracker to help me.
{42028}{42081}Great idea.|They could find anything.
{42087}{42174}It's like in the movies.|So I headed for a reservation.
{42323}{42427}You want me to put my ear to the|ground, listen for hoof beats...
{42432}{42467}...check for footprints...
{42475}{42528}...look for broken twigs?
{42536}{42643}But this is the modern age.|That stuff doesn't work anymore.
{42648}{42735}Which is why I had to open|this fireworks stand.
{42744}{42808}I wasn't getting by|on my tracking wages.
{42813}{42893}Come on. You're supposed to be|good at tracking stuff, man.
{42899}{42938}I gotta find my parents.
{42943}{43063}I need a way to sell more fireworks.|I'm going broke with this venture also.
{43068}{43178}I see you got snakes and sparklers,|but where's the good stuff, man?
{43183}{43273}Good stuff. This is the|good stuff. Snakes and sparklers.
{43279}{43352}Are you nuts, dude? You need|stuff that explodes, go boom.
{43357}{43415}- Why is that good?|- Well...
{43436}{43523}Well, you might as well|ask why is the tree good?
{43528}{43581}Why is the sunset good?|Why are boobs good?
{43624}{43718}Firecrackers. You stick them|in mailboxes, drop them in toilets...
{43723}{43766}...shove them up a bullfrog's ass.
{43771}{43844}I'd never do that because|I'm going to be a veterinarian.
{43849}{43880}There you go.
{43885}{43974}Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog's|butt, blows him to pieces...
{43979}{44081}...he comes back to you to fix it.|You win twice, brother. It's good biz.
{44092}{44215}You're saying you have no black cats,|Roman candles or screaming meemies?
{44233}{44316}Come on. You don't got no ladyfingers,|buzz bottles, snicker bombs...
{44321}{44406}...church burners, finger blasters, gut|busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers?
{44411}{44440}No, I don't.
{44447}{44532}You're gonna stand there,|owning a fireworks stand...
{44537}{44593}...and say you have|no whistling bungholes...
{44599}{44711}...spleen splitters, whisker biscuits,|honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don'ts.
{44715}{44791}Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with|or without the scooter stick...
{44796}{44855}...or one single|whistling kitty-chaser?
{44883}{44907}No.
{44955}{45026}Because snakes and sparklers|are the only ones I like.
{45032}{45089}That might be your problem.
{45095}{45164}It's not what you like.|It's the consumer.
{45211}{45318}Look there. That's happening.|We should get bleachers over here.
{45323}{45382}People come from miles around|to see this.
{45387}{45483}Feast your eyes on a feast of smoke.|Oh, dang. It's out.
{45488}{45547}CNN will turn around and go home now.
{45552}{45599}I saw a snail over there. He said:
{45608}{45705}"That thing's slow, it ain't moving|fast, it's boring, dull, I'm yawning. "
{45711}{45781}- That's a snail watching that.|- There's a snail in the desert?
{45787}{45870}A spaceship dropped him off. Focus on|the right part of the story, brother.
{45883}{45936}- And the snail can talk?|- Yeah.
{45941}{46012}The aliens gave him powers.|They made a voice spot.
{46017}{46098}Dude, I'm just saying it's dull.|All right? This ain't fun.
{46103}{46147}Look at that little piece of char.
{46152}{46213}You need explosions, stuff going on.
{46219}{46304}No wonder this thing's going under.|You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.
{46396}{46431}I got these two sticks.
{46435}{46544}Dang. These are yours? These are|Roman candles! It's good stuff!
{46556}{46613}This thing full of lighter fluid.
{46709}{46787}The Roman candle.|Step back a little bit.
{46859}{46902}That's what I'm talking about!
{46907}{46939}It's beautiful.
{46944}{47045}Beautiful? I'm looking for righteously|kick-ass. You know what we need?
{47051}{47126}Gasoline. Yeah.
{47171}{47223}Breakfast of champions.
{47232}{47328}All right, you might want to take|a few extra steps back on this one.
{47555}{47640}Man. What'd I trip over?
{47645}{47717}There's something metal|sticking out of the ground.
{47759}{47795}You okay?
{47832}{47883}What is this thing, man?
{47893}{48012}We should take it over to the lab|over in the next town. Los Alamos.
{48042}{48063}That symbol looks very stern.
{48068}{48146}That's definitely what we should do.|That's the right thing.
{48151}{48174}But first...
{48215}{48271}Yeah, jam that in the gas bucket.
{48315}{48369}We'll shoot fireballs at it.
{48375}{48435}We got to step way back.|It'll be fun.
{48664}{48714}Look at that shit!
{48723}{48817}Oh, man, we're going to get|so busted. Let's get out of here.
{49147}{49182}What happened, man?
{49187}{49270}You tripped over that object|in the ground. You're knocked out.
{49331}{49392}That thing's an atom bomb, man.
{49441}{49475}I got an idea.
{49499}{49551}"Rubbernecker's tour bus... "
{49556}{49633}"... the Grand Canyon's number one|purveyor of fine bus tours. "
{49651}{49718}I still don't see why we're going|to their tour bus company.
{49723}{49815}Don't you see? All the tourists at the|Canyon that day my parents lost me...
{49820}{49848}...they had cameras.
{49853}{49913}You can't tell me in all|those pictures they took...
{49919}{50018}...there won't be some that|accidentally have me and my parents.
{50023}{50097}The company will have records|of who used the tour that day.
{50103}{50154}That was more than ten years ago.
{50159}{50225}Besides, they won't just hand|the records over to us.
{50231}{50281}We're just an Indian and some guy.
{50287}{50394}You can't have "no" in your heart.|"No" is not an option, brother.
{50399}{50453}You're not just an Indian,|you're Kicking Wing.
{50461}{50544}All right? And one day, you'll|be Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.
{50549}{50607}Then you should change your name|to Kicking Ass.
{50736}{50855}Oh, man! Swerve them potholes.|You know, because of the atom bomb.
{51103}{51217}One swing and this here ball-peen|hammer will trigger this A-bomb...
{51223}{51306}...and it'll blow up the whole city,|maybe even half the country.
{51311}{51339}Now here's what I need.
{51344}{51391}I need you to give me the records...
{51395}{51477}...of everybody who toured|the Grand Canyon on them buses...
{51483}{51529}...June 13, 1979.
{51572}{51666}I'm not messing around.|I hit it and it goes bang. All right?
{51688}{51736}Now while I'm up here waiting...
{51779}{51811}- You.|- Me?
{51815}{51855}Show me them boobies.
{52111}{52184}Now even you liked the way|that chick looked. Didn't you?
{52189}{52229}"Even me?" What's that mean?
{52235}{52324}Just saying, I'm beginning to doubt|your hetero street credentials.
{52329}{52370}You never put the moves on Brandy.
{52375}{52426}Well, she's too beautiful.
{52431}{52456}She's way too hot for me.
{52461}{52522}He has no idea that Brandy|even likes him.
{52527}{52595}- His voice is so sexy.|- I wonder what he looks like.
{52607}{52644}You're there with an atom bomb.
{52655}{52725}Could be fat man or little boy.|We'll nail that down later.
{52731}{52775}Did you get the names you wanted?
{52780}{52844}Yeah, I did, but by the way,|it was no atom bomb.
{52849}{52944}Turns out some skateboarder slapped|a Biohazard band sticker...
{52948}{53024}...on the side of this septic tank|for an RV.
{53029}{53082}Cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away.
{53087}{53143}Yeah. Who hasn't seen|that scenario played out?
{53151}{53209}It's just an old crapper tank, people.
{53315}{53369}- It's poo!|- Take it away!
{53375}{53401}Stop it!
{53407}{53496}- It stinks! Get it out of here!|- Somebody help me! Help me!
{53531}{53611}Is it done? How much is in there?
{53616}{53665}I got the poo on me.
{53671}{53718}You are so pathetic.
{53723}{53760}They decided not to arrest me.
{53765}{53832}They said being covered in that|stinky stuff was punishment enough.
{53837}{53860}Don't you get it?
{53865}{53958}Stinky stuff is your milieu.|Okay? This is your deal:
{53963}{54039}You are an underachievement|nexus in the universe.
{54044}{54091}It'll always be like this, Joey.
{54096}{54175}But you got to keep going.|I won't quit. That's not an option.
{54180}{54271}You gotta keep on keeping on. Life's|a garden, dig it, make it work for you.
{54275}{54357}You never give up, man.|That's my philosophy. You hear that?
{54363}{54436}What drives me crazy and fascinates me|at the same time...
{54441}{54540}.. is you are so unrelentingly|upbeat about your plight.
{54576}{54662}I need more. I'll be honest,|I want to see you in here tomorrow.
{54667}{54729}I want to hear more|of the saga of Joe Dirt.
{54743}{54772}All right. Thanks, guys.
{54817}{54842}All right, Joe.
{54863}{54888}Yeah, baby.
{56388}{56461}You're listening|to the Zander Kelly show on KXLA.
{56467}{56576}All right. Good morning, troops. This|is Zander Kelly, and you, of course...
{56581}{56680}...are careening headlong into another|hellish day in that tiny existence...
{56692}{56737}...you laughingly refer to...
{56742}{56806}...as your life.|I'm here with Joe Dirt.
{56817}{56905}The tale couldn't be told in one day.|We asked you back today.
{56910}{57009}The joint looks great, the toilets|are freshly scrubbed...
{57014}{57066}...the floor is spic-and-span...
{57071}{57130}Did you use the stuff|with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?
{57135}{57217}They clean the bowl|so you don't have to!
{57236}{57268}- No, I didn't.|- Yesterday-
{57277}{57386}Provide a back-story for the listeners.|You were covered in crap...
{57391}{57484}...and you're a complete loser.|Have I nailed the pertinent facts?
{57489}{57590}Let me emphasize to the listeners|those are your words, not mine.
{57608}{57635}Sorry, Billy Jack.
{57640}{57705}So now you have a bunch of names...
{57710}{57802}...of people who might have|a photograph of you and your parents.
{57808}{57891}Right, a big bunch of names.|So now I got to span the country...
{57896}{57988}...to find these people to see if|anybody's got a photo from that day.
{58008}{58096}"Anderson, Anders, Aznoff... "
{58101}{58222}You mean, all these people were|on them tour buses that day?
{58227}{58294}It will take forever, man.|But I got to do it.
{58312}{58345}I wish you luck.
{58352}{58403}I hope you find|what you're looking for.
{58408}{58461}Remember that town|you're always talking about.
{58466}{58536}- Yeah, Silvertown, man.|- Yes, Silvertown.
{58541}{58594}You make it sound wonderful.
{58599}{58653}So you've always got Silvertown.
{58658}{58698}Remember that, Joe Dirt.
{58703}{58790}You remember to keep on keeping on,|and you'll be a veterinarian.
{58795}{58851}I believe people get|what they really want.
{58856}{58931}Especially a cool guy like you,|Kicking Wing. You know what?
{58936}{59004}You're my first real friend,|outside of Charlie and Brandy.
{59223}{59272}That's good. Good stuff.
{59284}{59334}That hug was completely asexual.
{59339}{59374}He kind of snuck it up on me.
{59379}{59434}Whatever you gotta tell yourself.
{59478}{59524}I love you, Joe Dirt!
{59668}{59706}I hit the road with my names list...
{59711}{59791}...looking for tourists who might|have photos of my folks.
{59807}{59885}I hit pay dirt when I got a job|with a traveling carnival.
{59890}{59944}That's when things|got a little weird.
{61296}{61321}Dang.
{61549}{61589}Can I go again? Please?
{61594}{61640}No. It's time to go home.
{61645}{61729}I got you. Who's this chick|over here? Is that your girlfriend?
{61734}{61794}You should see my girlfriend.|You'd shit yourself.
{61808}{61883}Really? I tell you what:|I'll give you a free spin.
{61888}{61934}I'll talk to your lady friend.
{62036}{62087}Good job, sir. Keep them straight.
{62092}{62116}Good strategy.
{62120}{62193}The carnival worker life|keeps me free and untethered.
{62207}{62328}That's why I was attracted to you.|I could tell you were an outlaw.
{62333}{62402}Is that right? I'm kind of|an outlaw through and through, baby.
{62432}{62492}- Damn!|- Good toss there, sir. Good one.
{62497}{62565}You know, society's got|no hold on this outlaw.
{62588}{62644}- Damn it!|- All right. Real close.
{62655}{62750}I'm like a bird. Actually more|like a hard-ass pterodactyl.
{62776}{62802}This is bullshit!
{62808}{62890}God forbid you don't win after|throwing only two quarters, man.
{62895}{62951}It's a business. It ain't UNICEF.
{62956}{63001}I got a good mind to take my outlaw...
{63006}{63075}Yeah, you better walk away, hard-ass.
{63109}{63144}- Some people. Right?|- I know.
{63214}{63276}So later on today I'll pick up|my Hemi Roadrunner.
{63281}{63325}That's right. I said Hemi.
{63340}{63370}A Hemi.
{63381}{63420}Balls to the wall.
{63429}{63511}I left it here. Friend's house.|Got towed two years ago.
{63516}{63573}But I'll pick it up this afternoon.
{63578}{63651}I might need a pretty little lady|to sit on the front seat with me...
{63656}{63724}...while I break her in.|The car, I mean.
{63738}{63769}What do you say?
{63797}{63834}That's a big ten-four.
{63922}{63992}I got a big date tonight.|I'm here to pick up my ride.
{64001}{64025}License and registration.
{64030}{64062}Yes, sir.
{64067}{64120}She'll freak out|when she sees my wheels.
{64170}{64241}Total impound fees come to $3496.
{64246}{64292}Plus 35 bucks for the tow.
{64297}{64357}3000! That's more I paid|for the whole car!
{64392}{64467}- Interesting. Want it or not?|- Well, yeah, but...
{64472}{64526}...I think all I got's like 450 bucks.
{64531}{64577}This is a business, not a charity.
{64582}{64644}Maybe one day UNICEF will get|into the impound business...
{64649}{64714}...but until then,|we're the people to see.
{64764}{64861}I tell you what I could do. I could|sell you a car for 450 bucks, but...
{64884}{64912}...it won't be no Hemi.
{65263}{65297}I thought you had a Hemi.
{65309}{65393}Yeah, I had to have|a footprint gas pedal installed.
{65398}{65432}So I stole this pile.
{65493}{65534}My outlaw.
{65568}{65608}That's right. Let's go.
{65763}{65818}So I had fun tonight.
{65823}{65904}Even though you took me to|the carnival that I was already at.
{65908}{66003}I had fun too. Hey, listen.|Can I ask you a question?
{66011}{66088}If I told you you had a beautiful body,|would you hold it against me?
{66093}{66151}Sure would. Want to go to my place?
{66156}{66191}Sure do.
{66285}{66373}All right, so finish your story.|Why do you live with foster parents?
{66378}{66435}Because when I was nine|or ten years old...
{66440}{66534}...my parents pulled over to look|at the big dinosaur in California.
{66539}{66588}The next thing I knew, they're gone.
{66620}{66659}Wait a minute.|Did you have a brother?
{66664}{66756}I did. So, you want|to go back in the house?
{66761}{66804}We can have sex.
{66868}{66965}She's your sister, dude! She's|gotta be! You made out with her!
{66970}{67034}What's wrong with you, you pervert?!
{67040}{67136}I didn't know she was my sister when|I kissed her, so it's not my fault.
{67141}{67211}And she's one of the hottest girls|on the planet.
{67229}{67353}You just said your sister's hot! What|a freak! You're going to hell, man!
{67372}{67440}I gotta tell her what happened,|why I got weird.
{67445}{67532}And for God's sakes,|I gotta treat her like a sister.
{67705}{67753}We've got questions coming in from...
{67758}{67815}The phones are going nuts.|That was a bombshell.
{67820}{67870}Wait, man. I found out later...
{67875}{67915}...she wasn't my sister.
{67920}{67944}Thank God!
{67949}{68028}Thank God, dude.|That was gonna be a little much.
{68038}{68125}So I did a real bad thing there|because...
{68132}{68185}...I think you're my sister.
{68211}{68270}Is that all? No.
{68275}{68352}My family's last name is Buckwalter.|My brother's name is Cletus.
{68357}{68457}So you see, we're not related.|We can have sex again.
{68619}{68695}Joe, what's the matter?|Don't I turn you on?
{68700}{68759}I don't know what the problem is.
{68764}{68846}Would it help if you went back|to thinking I'm your sister?
{68852}{68920}Like I'm some|sort of white-trash perv?!
{68925}{68979}I'm your sister. I'm your sister.
{68984}{69029}Oh, you're my sister!
{69056}{69092}I'm kidding.
{69097}{69166}I just made that last part up|for laughs, you guys.
{69181}{69285}Let's break it off for today. Haul|your mangy ass in here tomorrow...
{69296}{69422}...and we will continue the fascinating|saga that I'm now referring to as...
{69428}{69481}...the legend of Dirty Joe.
{70094}{70182}Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here|right now. Please leave a message.
{70199}{70287}Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.|I'm out in L.A.
{70292}{70378}They got me on the radio station|telling my story to everybody.
{70390}{70452}I didn't get to the sad part yet.
{70457}{70540}I'm guessing you had reasons|for doing what you did.
{70567}{70651}And I guess I'm just calling|to say goodbye.
{70672}{70716}I miss you, Brandy.
{71055}{71131}You're listening to the|Zander Kelly show on KXLA.
{71136}{71246}Good morning, L.A. Zander here. We're|sitting with the king of dirt-balls...
{71251}{71317}...Mr. Joe Dirt. You know,|last night I went home...
{71322}{71411}...rented Andromeda Strain just so|I could simulate immersion...
{71416}{71499}...into that bacteriologically unsound|world you call your day-to-day life.
{71504}{71578}I know where you live.|I've got you in my crosshairs now.
{71583}{71647}We're gonna go back to your story.|Pick it up.
{71652}{71684}Now what really happened was...
{71692}{71776}...I had a car now, so I left to go|running down the names on my list...
{71781}{71846}...looking for people who took|those photos at the Grand Canyon.
{71851}{71905}Somewhere in Indiana, I hit a snag.
{71910}{71990}I found a guy who had pictures,|but he turned out to be a freak.
{72023}{72063}I guess this is the place.
{72068}{72121}Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.
{72126}{72198}But people say Joe Dirt's|a weird name. And how cool am I?
{72221}{72245}Excuse me, sir?
{72267}{72296}Hey, there, young fella.
{72301}{72356}I'm looking for Buffalo Bob.
{72361}{72418}Real name's Tim. How can I help you?
{72423}{72504}I want to talk to you about the time|you went to the Grand Canyon.
{72514}{72543}Why don't you come inside?
{72548}{72604}- What did you say your name was?|- Joe Dirt.
{72650}{72685}Joe Dirt.
{72690}{72817}It puts the lotion on. You have no|idea what kind of hell I can bring you!
{72822}{72923}Oh, all right! Enough,|you broken record! Okay!
{72928}{72984}I've been here two weeks.|What do you want?
{72989}{73056}It put the lotion on its skin. Now!
{73061}{73157}Well, say it, don't spray it,|brother. Dang.
{73162}{73227}- I need a towel now.|- It does what it's told!
{73274}{73385}There, look, I'm putting the lotion|on the skin. I'm rubbing it in.
{73480}{73559}To tell you the truth, brother,|between you and me...
{73564}{73646}...that thing with the dog|is coming off a little fruity.
{73656}{73684}That's just me talking.
{73725}{73816}Where's my supplies? Come on.|I thought we had a deal.
{73823}{73892}Oh, for Christ's sake! Here!
{73943}{74028}Yee! Auto Trader Ooh, August.|I don't got this one.
{74033}{74068}There are some deals in here.
{74073}{74156}Oh, check this out.|"'71 'Cuda, plum crazy purple. "
{74160}{74207}This guy wants fourteen grand.
{74212}{74324}What?! I give him $7500. I used to|have one of these. This guy's crazy.
{74329}{74404}We have the place surrounded.|Come out with your hands in the air.
{74492}{74536}Hey, a little help?
{74564}{74612}- Get him!|- Man in a hole.
{74624}{74690}- Down here.|- Stay on your back.
{74696}{74740}I hear people.
{74804}{74862}It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.
{74893}{74931}He was gonna flay you alive...
{74936}{75011}...and use your skin to cover himself|like a Joe Dirt trench coat.
{75016}{75109}That's gross, man. I think these|are pictures from the Grand Canyon.
{75114}{75206}He's taken hundreds of photos over|the years, looking for skin he liked.
{75211}{75301}He wanted to wear skin with the wiener|tucked under, kind of like a woman.
{75308}{75344}That's sick, man.
{75351}{75397}I think that's little me|in a garbage can.
{75437}{75509}No way! And that's my dad and my mom.
{75519}{75584}And this is our car. And it's got...
{75598}{75632}...Louisiana plates.
{75637}{75688}Hell, yeah! I'm going to Louisiana!
{75818}{75860}So I cruised down to New Orleans...
{75865}{75955}...and found a base of operations|for my search at a local grade school.
{75960}{76014}I was going to be a janitor.
{76023}{76112}Mostly mopping. Once in a while,|you got a problem with the boiler.
{76117}{76173}You have to hit it with a hammer.|But it's a good job.
{76178}{76235}Yeah, it's all right.|I appreciate this job, man.
{76240}{76315}This'll be a good base for me|while I look for my parents.
{76320}{76360}I got a picture of them.
{76514}{76544}I don't recognize them.
{76576}{76644}If you find them, you'll tell them|what happened to you?
{76691}{76777}That Buffalo Bob thing?|There's not much to tell.
{76782}{76815}I heard some things.
{76820}{76869}It's not good. He's a bad guy.
{76874}{76925}What exactly did you hear?
{76930}{76982}The past is past. The future's now.
{77021}{77082}That's true. Amen to that.
{77099}{77186}Are you from around here?|Your accent sounds like New York.
{77191}{77229}No. From here.
{77234}{77317}Born and raised, though not here.
{77322}{77363}Over in Kansas.
{77416}{77441}Is this your wife?
{77458}{77490}Ex-wife.
{77495}{77588}She was shot six times.|New York City. I mean Kansas.
{77635}{77740}She was something. Her eyes|were something azure, you know?
{77744}{77818}Honey-blonde hair. Her body.
{77838}{77896}Her legs went on for days.
{77904}{78016}If she was here right now, maybe we'd|have a house with a little fence...
{78021}{78076}...up in Silvertown,|that place you talk about.
{78090}{78138}That's a nice place.
{78189}{78221}You really loved her.
{78229}{78253}I miss her.
{78300}{78416}Clem, a kid puked in the cafeteria|again. We need a cleanup right away.
{78432}{78456}I'm on it.
{78529}{78556}That's you.
{78696}{78770}- I'm Joe. Where's the throw up?|- Over there.
{78775}{78820}I'll clean it up lickety-split.
{78828}{78896}Speaking of lickety-split, let's|meet up later, see what's going on.
{78901}{78959}I'm kidding.|But seriously, let's hook up.
{78964}{79036}I'm new in town, kind of lonely,|looking for my parents.
{79075}{79164}The puke pile's right over there.|It's a pretty big pile of puke.
{79188}{79237}So clean the puke. Okay.
{79280}{79328}Well, well. Lookie here.
{79373}{79408}Corn off the cob.
{79477}{79526}This kid should get his money back.
{79541}{79601}- The janitor's going to eat the puke.|- They're hilarious, huh?
{79621}{79716}I won't. I'm a vegetarian|and looks like there's some meat.
{79752}{79792}I like kids. They seem to like-
{79813}{79837}They seem to like me.
{79968}{80041}I'll try the old reverse psychology.
{80070}{80141}I like getting hit with hot dogs.|It don't bother me.
{80221}{80284}Guess I'm lucky it wasn't|hot chili day today.
{80344}{80391}Okay, class.|Let's hear these results.
{80396}{80481}If my calculations are correct,|this will create ice.
{80540}{80599}Killer mustard gas!
{80804}{80837}What'd you say?
{80905}{81005}You're talking to me all wrong.|It's the wrong tone.
{81010}{81087}Do it again, I'll stab you in the face|with a soldering iron.
{81092}{81165}Is that right?|Let me ask you something.
{81216}{81263}Does your mother sew?
{81332}{81375}Get her to sew that!
{81543}{81623}You'd think the stupid punks|could think of something funnier than:
{81627}{81682}"Don't eat it! Here's a hot dog. "
{81894}{81959}What's going on, man?|Did you kick their asses?
{81968}{82059}- He saved us from the mustard gas.|- You saved our lives, Clem.
{82064}{82091}Not me.
{82096}{82128}That's the guy!
{82134}{82179}You're the one that carried us out.
{82184}{82282}Shut up, you hard-on.|That's the guy! That's the hero.
{82290}{82362}All right. Well, then,|thank God for Joe Dirt.
{82368}{82418}- Oh, no, man. It wasn't me.|- That's Joe Dirt!
{82424}{82463}Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
{82604}{82639}Come on, Joe Dirt!
{82660}{82709}How does it feel to be a hero, Joe?
{82714}{82763}Well, it's like this...
{82768}{82810}Probably feels pretty good.
{82815}{82876}Especially after that brutal|run-in with Buffalo Bob.
{82882}{82942}I don't know why you ask me.|Nothing happened.
{82948}{82991}That's not what I heard.
{82996}{83031}What's the deal with your haircut?
{83036}{83095}It's a wig. I was born|without the top of my skull.
{83100}{83152}Everybody, I'm looking for my parents.
{83158}{83247}Here's a picture of them. It's taken|15 years ago at the Grand Canyon.
{83252}{83338}If anybody has any information|on their whereabouts...
{83343}{83378}...please call this number.
{83383}{83463}You might get a machine, but if|a girl answers, her name is Brandy.
{83468}{83556}Give her your info.|I appreciate any help I can get.
{83562}{83635}That being said,|here's the real scoop.
{83640}{83699}I ain't the guy that saved them kids.
{83730}{83754}I'm sorry, man.
{83767}{83814}Here's the real hero.
{83823}{83926}His name is Clem Doore, from Josette,|Louisiana. He's a friend of mine.
{83931}{83955}Oh, no.
{83960}{84015}He's your real hero, people, not me.
{84138}{84202}Let's go. Come on, come on.|Move it, move it.
{84207}{84294}Move your asses. Okay, this is|where that rat-bastard lives.
{84299}{84344}You two shoot him low, you high.
{84350}{84400}I'll shoot him|right through his heart.
{84427}{84508}That's it. Come on, let's move it.|Kick it in! Kick it in!
{84990}{85018}What happened here?
{85026}{85085}- Don't I know you?|- What's going on?
{85090}{85113}Wait a minute.
{85118}{85199}You're that guy that had that|run-in with that psycho. Buffalo Bob.
{85211}{85247}Yeah. It was really no big deal.
{85252}{85318}No big deal! That's not what I heard.
{85323}{85350}Is Clem all right?
{85360}{85383}No, he's dead.
{85392}{85427}He's dead? What happened?
{85432}{85506}Your buddy Clem's real name|was Anthony Benedetti.
{85511}{85582}He was a former boss|of the Cameleri crime family.
{85587}{85659}He was in town here on the|Federal Witness Relocation program.
{85674}{85734}He turned informer when|the syndicate executed his wife.
{85739}{85799}His old cronies must have|somehow found he was here...
{85804}{85838}...and they came and killed him.
{85850}{85935}He killed all of them too.|It's a big mess.
{86007}{86058}Oh, my God, man. This is my fault.
{86163}{86254}Be cool, let me talk to him|for a second? He's a friend of mine.
{86259}{86314}- This is my fault.|- Go ahead.
{86327}{86376}I didn't know you didn't|want to be on TV.
{86382}{86457}I just tried to get the word out|about my parents. I'm so sorry.
{86462}{86510}Maybe you'll find your wife in heaven.
{86515}{86575}She'll be just how you remembered her.
{86583}{86644}Them big doe eyes.
{86659}{86734}That soft honey-blonde hair.
{86747}{86815}Smooth tan skin.
{86827}{86885}Huge, pert rack.
{86890}{86990}Long legs going up that tight butt.
{87098}{87159}Clem, you asshole, are you alive?
{87208}{87283}They're pretending I'm dead,|so's they can move me.
{87288}{87359}I just didn't know you were in|this Witness Protection thing.
{87364}{87433}I never would have said|your name on TV, man.
{87438}{87516}I found it was time to move on anyway.|You know, maybe...
{87522}{87582}...find a better town.
{87606}{87655}There's something you|should think about.
{87660}{87776}I was thinking about that car.|The Rambler Wagon. That's a rare car.
{87782}{87873}People would remember|selling a car like that.
{87878}{87902}Where's that dead guy?
{87907}{87943}Wait. Joe, wait.
{87966}{88035}Take care, Joe Dirt.
{88062}{88102}Watch my hair.
{88126}{88238}Yep, those came with a 6-cylinder|258 automatic. The three on the tree.
{88243}{88289}Sleek-looking, weren't they?
{88294}{88334}For sure, man. How many?
{88346}{88443}That's what I'm trying to call up.|Let's see. In Louisiana...
{88448}{88515}...1968, we sold...
{88519}{88586}Doggy! 73 of those little buggers.
{88591}{88683}You tell me your daddy's name,|I'll tell you where he bought it.
{88688}{88762}I don't know his name.|That's what I'm trying to find out.
{88799}{88909}Well, then. The best I can do|is give you a printout...
{88914}{88968}...of all 73 people|who bought the car.
{88974}{89083}Later, if you come up with their|last name, you can go on from there.
{89088}{89170}I'm only doing all of this because|I heard that Buffalo Bob guy...
{89175}{89221}...shoved a road flare|up your bunghole.
{89226}{89250}What?
{89260}{89295}Hoorah.
{89324}{89431}I keep hearing about him. Nothing|happened with him. Nothing weird.
{89446}{89531}Anyway, that list had names|from all over the state.
{89536}{89596}But I was flat broke.|No money for gas.
{89601}{89695}So I found a job, and that led|to the biggest break in my case yet.
{89726}{89767}I don't know, Joe.
{89771}{89866}The way you describe that town|out in the northwest, Silvertown...
{89871}{89938}Hell, I have half a mind|to move there myself.
{89958}{90018}- Can I ask you a question?|- Sure, honey. Shoot.
{90051}{90099}Your mom and dad still alive?
{90120}{90150}No.
{90160}{90206}Did they die?
{90231}{90266}One night...
{90278}{90350}...they got swallowed up by|the biggest gator we ever had.
{90355}{90389}Before they died...
{90394}{90475}...they killed that gator from|the inside by punching out his heart.
{90479}{90508}That's brutal.
{90514}{90602}The brutal part, later that night,|I took my mama's hedge clippers...
{90607}{90693}...and cut open that gator|and pulled my folks out of its belly.
{90698}{90802}I couldn't stand the thought of my|parents turning into alligator shit.
{90826}{90884}God, I hate these nasty things!
{90959}{91007}If I met the right man...
{91014}{91059}...I mean, hell, I'd just...
{91066}{91142}...shut this old gator farm|down and...
{91175}{91274}But you know, you probably don't want|to hear all my problems, huh?
{91287}{91344}The gator show's about to start.
{91367}{91419}I better go. It's showtime.
{91499}{91587}There's three things to remember|when dealing with a deadly alligator.
{91592}{91654}And they are deadly.|Don't kid yourself.
{91660}{91738}Rule number one: I'm number one.
{91754}{91783}You hear that?
{91799}{91899}I like to kid around. Rule two, the|croc's number two. Before we begin-
{91904}{91940}What's rule three?
{91944}{91970}What's that?
{91978}{92011}Kid, give me a break, now.
{92016}{92042}Don't know rule three?
{92047}{92140}You want a match? My face|and your ass. How about that, friend?
{92146}{92198}I mean, your ass and my face.
{92206}{92229}Here we go.
{92234}{92320}I'm a bit of a crocophile,|so don't try this at home.
{92326}{92345}Don't worry.
{92350}{92388}This here is Rocky.
{92402}{92430}And he ain't no puppy.
{92444}{92503}Let's see if Rocky's|got some cavities.
{92567}{92631}This mo-fo knows not to mess...
{92636}{92698}...with Sir Joseph Dirt.
{92726}{92786}You didn't listen to me!
{92947}{92983}Come on, now! Rocky!
{93222}{93310}Oh, when bad pets go bad. Dang!
{93363}{93391}Are you all right?
{93527}{93619}It's like the cartoons.|I'm seeing all tweet-tweet.
{93627}{93684}Joe, what can I do for you?
{93691}{93737}You're not making any sense.
{93742}{93782}Not making...
{93808}{93847}Not making...
{93884}{93951}That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt|instead of Nunamaker!
{93966}{94002}Nunamaker.
{94007}{94043}Nunamaker.
{94058}{94130}That's what my sister said|on the way to Grand Canyon.
{94136}{94207}My last name is Dirt.|Her last name is Nunamaker.
{94212}{94251}That's my parents' last name.
{94286}{94367}I checked my list of Rambler Wagons,|and there it was, Nunamaker...
{94372}{94430}...Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
{94451}{94485}I was finally home.
{94683}{94707}Sir?
{94724}{94795}Mister. You know the people|that live here? Nunamaker?
{94826}{94850}They moved.
{94858}{94882}What's that?
{94887}{94938}Moved! They moved.
{94946}{95043}About fifteen year ago.|Had a little boy...
{95054}{95099}...has that same haircut you got.
{95131}{95171}Goddamn, you out-of-date, boy.
{95182}{95248}Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me.
{95258}{95320}My parents were... This was my home.
{95330}{95383}I thought this was it this time.
{95388}{95430}No. Home is where you make it.
{95450}{95490}You like to see homos naked?
{95534}{95566}Home is where you make it.
{95580}{95641}You like to see homos naked.|That's cool.
{95646}{95726}No, no, no, no, no.|Home is where you make it.
{95732}{95790}Home, where you make it.
{95815}{95883}Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy.
{95915}{95990}Guy likes to see homos naked.|That don't help me.
{96230}{96299}So there I was, right back where|I started all those years ago...
{96303}{96363}...and no closer|to finding my parents.
{96431}{96491}I think a little part of me|died right there.
{96496}{96574}But you know that saying,|"Things get the darkest before dawn?"
{96658}{96739}I thought I had broken my ass-bone,|so I tried not to move.
{96744}{96781}I lay there, staring at the moon...
{96786}{96875}...and for the first time in my life,|I think about not getting back up.
{96880}{96954}Maybe I'll just lie there|for the rest of my life.
{96959}{97052}But then, suddenly,|while staring up at the moon...
{97080}{97140}...I had this strange feeling|that exact moment...
{97146}{97236}...Brandy was staring at|that same moon. And we were together.
{97242}{97301}Just then, all the tumblers|fell into place.
{97306}{97394}This door opened in my head.|All at once, I understood everything.
{97399}{97453}You have to find the real answer|inside yourself.
{97458}{97540}And the answer for me was|that I had a home all along...
{97546}{97618}...with a friend who really|cared about me, Brandy.
{97623}{97674}I missed her like crazy,|and I decided...
{97679}{97742}...it was time to go home.|My search was over.
{97943}{98006}Wish I hadn't gotten a machine.|It's me, Joe.
{98011}{98063}I got some crazy stuff to tell you.
{98068}{98143}But the most important part is,|I'm coming back to Silvertown.
{98148}{98232}I can't wait to see you|and tell you everything. Brandy...
{98238}{98282}Message deleted.
{99094}{99191}Well, well, well.|If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
{99196}{99222}What's crappening?
{99227}{99291}Don't get smart with me,|you motherless dirt bag.
{99308}{99339}You been here long enough.
{99344}{99374}I'm here to see Brandy.
{99379}{99423}Brandy? My Brandy?
{99428}{99501}You haven't heard?|Me and her are getting married.
{99506}{99553}Besides, she don't want|to see you anyway.
{99558}{99598}- I don't believe that.|- It's true.
{99610}{99655}She found your stupid parents.
{99660}{99712}- What?|- She found them in California.
{99718}{99774}But she didn't want to tell you,|because she wants you gone...
{99779}{99850}...out on the road, looking|for nothing, so you won't be here.
{99855}{99923}She's sick of all your crap.|She's sick of helping you.
{99934}{99991}And she's just plain sick of you.
{99996}{100044}She wouldn't do that. I know Brandy.
{100050}{100122}She'd tell me about my parents.|I don't care how sick of me she is.
{100127}{100183}Check out this note she left me.
{100188}{100243}In case you called and I answered.
{100291}{100339}"Dear Robbie...
{100375}{100490}...if Joe calls, don't tell him...
{100495}{100590}...I found his parents.
{100610}{100698}I'll be back in a few days. "
{100706}{100761}See, she signed it|right there. "Brandy. "
{100766}{100823}"X-O-X-O."
{100832}{100858}That's right, Dirt.
{100867}{100955}Nobody wants you in this town.|Nobody wants you around, period!
{101039}{101083}Look at him, fellas.
{101088}{101190}You crying, boy? Maybe we'll go|back down to McDonald's...
{101195}{101247}...and get you a whamburger|and French cries!
{101254}{101298}How about a Whineken!
{101304}{101346}You little sissy boy!
{101355}{101391}Def Leppard sucks!
{101541}{101619}For the record, I wasn't crying.|There was dirt in my eyes.
{101623}{101691}Joey, it's not cutting it, man.|It's jive.
{101696}{101756}- Everything I just said is true.|- No.
{101760}{101862}Brandy. Brandy is jive.|I want to get her on the phone now.
{101868}{101948}I want to track her down and ask her|why she was playing games with you.
{101953}{101995}No, you don't need to bother her.
{102000}{102027}Get line 3 on speaker.
{102032}{102152}I'm fine. Everything is cool. I got|a place in Malibu, lots of friends.
{102157}{102188}I do worry about you.
{102193}{102263}Because you're living|in a boiler room, Joe.
{102267}{102295}I got a couple places.
{102300}{102348}You know what, Joey? I think you...
{102369}{102465}I can't believe I'm saying-|I think we need some resolution here.
{102470}{102504}We need a little closure.
{102509}{102601}I want to ask her, "What the hell|was going on back then?"
{102606}{102658}Did she find your parents?
{102664}{102755}And if she did,|why couldn't she have called you?
{102820}{102879}Well, well, well. The famous Brandy.
{102883}{102938}Tokyo rose of the trailer park.
{102944}{103008}Brandy, I'm sitting here|with a friend of yours.
{103013}{103107}A little white-trash treasure|that you might know as Joe Dirt.
{103111}{103138}Ring a bell?
{103144}{103186}- Joe?|- Yeah, Joe.
{103191}{103263}I don't think he wants to talk|to you, Brandy. You know why?
{103267}{103373}Because the last few days, my listeners|and I have heard an amazing story.
{103378}{103459}When he first started this story,|I thought of you as a good person...
{103463}{103571}...but the more it went down the road,|I'm not sure you are a good person.
{103576}{103636}Why didn't you tell him|you'd found his parents?
{103648}{103723}Oh, my God. How did he find out?
{103736}{103817}The letter Robbie showed Joe|is true? You wrote that?
{103831}{103936}Yes. I wrote that letter because|I wanted to tell Joe in person.
{103964}{104019}Months went by,|and he never came home.
{104023}{104087}Joe, I did find|where your parents were.
{104109}{104172}Joe, brace yourself for this.
{104232}{104283}Your parents are dead, Joe.
{104303}{104359}They died that day|at the Grand Canyon.
{104364}{104434}Their car was hit by|a passing truck, a hit and run.
{104439}{104487}I'm so sorry.
{104502}{104554}But your search is over.
{104560}{104669}Come home, Joe.|So I can take care of you.
{104725}{104760}Oh, man.
{104870}{104900}I've got to go.
{104905}{104929}Sure.
{105069}{105135}All right. We'll take a break.
{105402}{105437}He's Joe Dirt!
{105743}{105783}You rule, Joe! You rule!
{105840}{105891}Joe Dirt, Joe Dirt...
{106039}{106146}The phenomenon of Joe Dirt|has captured the city's imagination.
{106152}{106251}The little man, the ordinary person|who endured enormous adversity...
{106255}{106342}...and all the while maintained|his positive outlook on life...
{106347}{106390}...teaching us along the way...
{106395}{106449}"... You can't have|'no' in your heart... "
{106454}{106522}...and "Life's a garden. Dig it. "
{106528}{106637}Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting one of|his long-time idols, Eddie Money.
{107348}{107447}And welcome back to TRL. We are here|with America's sweetheart, Joe Dirt.
{107452}{107480}Joe, come back over here.
{107485}{107558}We have a show to do here.|People forget we're live.
{107564}{107606}You like the window, don't you?
{107612}{107671}Before we wrap this up,|anything else you want to say?
{107675}{107785}Thanks to the people that stop me|and tell me my story helped them.
{107790}{107879}Your story is really cool, like a|Behind the Music without the music.
{107884}{108011}Are you depressed? Your parents, who|you'd looked for all along were dead.
{108015}{108072}Was the last decade a complete waste?
{108077}{108160}No one's really put it like that,|but I don't think so.
{108165}{108250}I've had good times, met cool people,|cruised around, cranked some tunes.
{108255}{108315}What about Brandy?|Any chance you'll hook back up?
{108336}{108448}She's a good friend of mine and she's|off doing her own thing right now...
{108453}{108524}...but I've always said she's|a little too hot for old Joe Dirt.
{108531}{108555}I agree.
{108559}{108653}So does America, in our latest|"Is Brandy too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll.
{108658}{108697}61 percent of you agreed.
{108702}{108768}Even worse, four percent|said the dog was too hot for you.
{108778}{108847}I'm just kidding.|You're on TRL California, Joe Dirt.
{108851}{108879}Hello, California.
{108899}{108932}Hey, wait...
{108937}{109044}Am I on? I'm on?!|Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah.
{109048}{109108}Hey, Carson, how big is your Johnny?
{109113}{109193}- Happy hour started a little early.|- A little drinky-drinky.
{109198}{109295}The reason I'm really calling|is Joe Dirt's parents ain't dead.
{109300}{109395}I'm looking at his father|right now and I'm his mama.
{109400}{109460}Ma'am, you should never|drink the bong water.
{109465}{109495}Yeah. Listen to him.
{109500}{109607}Carson, this where you want to be|when Jesus comes back? Making fun-
{109612}{109676}- Sorry, Joe.|- Wait. Where's that call coming from?
{109681}{109715}California.
{109720}{109744}I got to go.
{109778}{109820}So Carson helped me trace the call.
{109825}{109927}And it led me to this old trailer park|in Simi Valley, California.
{110147}{110177}That's our old car!
{110344}{110425}Joe, can I have an exclusive?|Your parents are alive after all?
{110481}{110525}Joe, how are you feeling?
{110548}{110606}Mom, Dad, is that you?
{110660}{110693}Our baby's home.
{110716}{110792}We tried so hard to find him.|We looked high and low.
{110797}{110834}I got some pictures here. Look.
{110839}{110946}Here is a picture of Joe when he|was a baby. You get it? Yeah, baby.
{110952}{110987}You were a cute baby.
{110991}{111092}That's why we were crazy when we lost|him. He's here and now he's gone.
{111097}{111148}Where'd he go? Where did he go?
{111200}{111264}- They get it? Where'd he go?|- I was at the Canyon.
{111269}{111371}Yeah. You know what? It was right|by the garbage can where you left me.
{111387}{111435}Is that where you were?
{111439}{111475}Well, I'll be dipped.
{111489}{111524}The one place we didn't look.
{111529}{111591}I knew you looked for me.|I told everybody you would.
{111596}{111658}Was there ever a time|you'd look at the moon...
{111663}{111741}...and hoped maybe|I was looking at it too?
{111746}{111835}I've been doing this clown thing.|Can everybody get a shot of these?
{111839}{111880}Do you see these clown figurines?
{111885}{111968}Whenever I used to get sad,|I'd just look at a clown.
{111973}{112057}- I just can't stop grinning.|- They're available for purchase.
{112068}{112135}We're starting this|clown dot-com kind of a thing.
{112140}{112231}I don't mean to interrupt|your clown pitch there, but...
{112244}{112352}But how exactly do you not go back|to the place where you saw me?
{112432}{112508}Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made?
{112513}{112555}How exactly does the sun set?
{112560}{112643}How exactly does the posi-trac|rear end on a Plymouth work?
{112651}{112709}- It just does.|- It just does.
{112714}{112783}I'm not talking about posi-trac,|I'm talking about me.
{112801}{112869}How long did you look for me|before you gave up?
{112874}{112977}How long were you riding in that car|before you realized I wasn't in it?
{113155}{113240}All right. We didn't lose him.|We just left him.
{113245}{113287}So what? The dude's doing fine!
{113292}{113328}Look at him!
{113337}{113441}How could you do that to me? I was|only eight, just a little kid.
{113446}{113544}Any idea what it's like to be a kid|and have nobody around to talk to...
{113549}{113616}...no one that cares|if you're alive or dead?
{113621}{113708}Every day you think you're worthless|and there's a void in your life.
{113713}{113747}- Come on, honey.|- Lighten up.
{113751}{113783}Lose that frown.
{113787}{113857}When you're down, stare at a clown.
{113870}{113938}Sit down, sit down.|You're blocking the cameras!
{113944}{113972}I don't care about that!
{113977}{114024}I don't care about you!
{114084}{114155}And I don't want to see you|for another 25 years.
{114160}{114247}I wish he'd never found us.|Look what he did to my children.
{114279}{114340}- Hey, you're grounded!|- Hey, TV people!
{114345}{114432}Wait, don't go away! You don't have|to follow just because he's going!
{114907}{114950}Somebody do something.
{115022}{115091}Joe, just turn around and come down.
{115151}{115183}It's not worth it, Joe.
{115220}{115255}We are here at Wallace Bridge...
{115260}{115339}...where local celebrity Joe Dirt|is threatening to kill himself.
{115356}{115380}Come on, Joe.
{115393}{115431}Remember what you said on the show?
{115436}{115484}"Life's a garden. Dig it. "
{115512}{115547}You got to get down from there.
{115552}{115600}You don't want to do this.
{115619}{115660}Why not, man? I got nothing.
{115671}{115727}I been looking forever|for those people...
{115731}{115783}...and everyone lies to me, man.
{115792}{115816}I'm worthless.
{115980}{116034}Sorry, lady.|You can't cut through here.
{116047}{116079}It's me, Brandy!
{116084}{116125}Brandy? Like the Brandy?
{116147}{116185}Why didn't you say so? Come on.
{116205}{116287}- Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!|- Hey, it's Brandy!
{116296}{116349}Look, over there! It's her, Dirt!
{116452}{116477}I'm here, Joe.
{116490}{116557}You told me my parents were dead,|and I saw them.
{116562}{116617}They're horrible. Why did you lie?
{116625}{116722}They saw the news when you saved those|kids. They thought you got a reward.
{116727}{116800}So you did see them first.|So it's just like Robbie said.
{116805}{116902}Yes, but once I met them,|I knew I had to protect you from them.
{116907}{117014}They're bad people.|You're not like them, Joe.
{117019}{117125}They didn't leave you. You left them.|You've gotta see that.
{117136}{117171}Joe, if you'd stayed with them...
{117189}{117241}...you wouldn't be|as wonderful as you are.
{117246}{117301}But Robbie said|you don't want me around.
{117306}{117375}He said you were always|laughing at me behind my back.
{117380}{117491}Why would Robbie say such a thing?|Of course that's not true.
{117501}{117589}I love you, Joe. With all my heart.
{117611}{117672}I want to get married|and have little Joe Dirts.
{117684}{117728}Come home, Joe.
{117733}{117819}You had a home all along.|You just couldn't see it.
{117869}{117893}You really love me?
{118064}{118112}I roped him with a bungee cord!
{118823}{118897}Oh, man.|I just had the weirdest dream.
{118902}{118987}You were in it. And so were you.
{119053}{119120}Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home?
{119149}{119206}Clem, Charlene, Kicking Wing?
{119212}{119291}It's not Clem anymore.|It's Gert B. Frobe.
{119301}{119344}Witness Protection relocated me.
{119349}{119451}I asked for Silvertown, after what you|said about it. It's wonderful here.
{119464}{119488}Hello, Joe Dirt.
{119498}{119562}You taught me to sell the good stuff.
{119568}{119632}Now I have 30 fireworks stands...
{119645}{119704}...which completely fund|my animal shelters.
{119709}{119744}It's all because of you, Joe.
{119754}{119780}Good job, brother.
{119785}{119893}I sold the gator farm after one of|them snapped off some of my fingers.
{119898}{119947}I came up here to check up on you...
{119952}{120023}...and I met Gert B. Frobe.
{120056}{120119}It's a good thing that gator|didn't get my ring finger...
{120124}{120169}...because Gert's asked me|to marry him!
{120192}{120228}Right on.
{120249}{120310}When you were in the hospital|for your head injury...
{120315}{120419}...I had the doctor surgically put on|a wig a little more contemporary.
{120713}{120782}Dang. That's cool.
{120787}{120811}And Joe...
{120829}{120885}- ... we have a big surprise for you.|- What's up?
{120935}{120999}My Hemi!|You got it out of hock for me?
{121045}{121111}- Somebody else wants to get in here.|- Who's that?
{121125}{121169}Come on, boy! Come on!
{121197}{121224}Looks like Charlie.
{121229}{121274}Apparently, back in the day...
{121279}{121355}...Charlie had a little sexual|encounter with this one's ma.
{121360}{121407}Say hello to Charlie Two.
{121413}{121437}Good boy.
{121451}{121534}You got a big family now, Joe Dirt.|You better be good to us.
{121539}{121563}Oh, I will.
{121729}{121840}Hey, Dirt. I thought I told you,|buddy. Nobody wants you around.
{121889}{121951}You're talking all wrong.|It's the wrong tone.
{121959}{122039}Do it again, I'll stab you|in the face with a soldering iron.
{122056}{122112}- You're his dad?|- What if I am?
{122156}{122191}What if we're his family?
{122296}{122347}At least my car'll|blow his off the road.
{122352}{122471}You think you can match that little|slant 6 of yours against his 426 Hemi?
{122494}{122547}Then let's do it, little boy!
{122554}{122579}That's my girl.
{122603}{122637}- Let's ride, Dirt-boy.|- Let's go!
{123105}{123182}Now it's time for the good stuff.
{123188}{123217}Yeah! Light her up!
{123295}{123374}This next song goes out to our|good friend, Joe Dirt, the Dirt-man.
{123380}{123437}Wherever you are,|this is for you, buddy.
{123442}{123511}Welcome home, Joe.|Welcome home.
{123632}{123703}Subtitles by NORDLOEWE LABS