"Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers
Now on the day I was born
The nurses all gathered round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up
Said leave this one alone
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
Bad
- Let's move out ! - Get in front of that wall !
- B-B-B-B-Bad - Follow me !
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone
When I walk the streets
Kings and queens step aside
- Every woman I meet
They all stay satisfied
I wanna tell you about it baby
What I see I make my own
And I'm here to tell you, honey
- That I'm bad to the bone - My arm !
- Bad to the bone - I've been shot !
- Bad to the bone
Let me take a look at that.
- Want me to show you a little trick ?
Take your mind off that arm ?
Give me your hand.
Now, you may feel a little... pressure.
Agh ! My finger ! My finger !
- Work every time.
And I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone
You had better give up, senor. You cannot kill us all.
Nope, but I can clean your colon out quicker than...
one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.
And I'm bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
At ease, Payne.
Relax. Do you know why you're here ?
Sir, no, sir !
The promotion board report came out last week.
This is the new lieutenant colonel list.
Your name is not on it.
You get two chances to advance,
then we gotta show you the hatch.
Base admin is cutting your discharge orders right now.
General, are you tryin' to tell me in all this man's military...
there is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction ?
The fighting is no longer done on the battlefields, Payne.
Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress.
Boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.
There gotta be somebody need some killin'.
I'm sorry, Major, there's no one left.
You've killed 'em all. Good luck.
It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man,
and already I'm startin' to get the itch.
Problem is I ain't got nothin' to scratch.
God, I'm hungry.
Hungry for action.
- Hungry for blood.
Hell.
I'm just plain ol' hungry.
- Feel I'm gettin' weaker...
while Charlie's growin' stronger in the jungle.
I can't lose my edge.
I gotta keep my strength up. I gotta maintain discipline.
Because the hard reality was...
I gotta get a job.
- And what better place...
than somewhere that would allow me to employ...
my skills as a trained killer.
Mister... Payne ?
This is a dramatization of a domestic violence dispute.
You arrive on the scene to find a woman, played by Ms. Goodwin,
- Hello, ma'am. - claiming to have been assaulted...
by her husband, played by Mr. Shipman.
- Happy to meet you. - Same here.
Your objective is to effectively neutralize the situation.
Neutralize.
Begin.
He hit me !
- You like to beat women ? - Officer, l--
Don't never... hit... her... again.
- Hear me ? Hear me ? Huh ? - I-l can't-- Wait ! Agh ! Ooh !
Payne, what happened ? You've only been out one week.
It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.
Listen, I made some calls, and I got an assignment for you.
It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.
So after two and a half weeks...
of livin' a civilian puke's existence,
I was back in uniform, back in the Corps.
Back to the sweet smell of mustard gas...
and killin'.
Little did I know what awaited for me.
I've toured 11 separate engagements...
from Iraq to Haiti,
but nothin' I did would prepare me for this newest assignment.
I was told it would be my greatest challenge.
It was sure to be a living hell.
The Glee Club...
- will be meeting at 3:30.
Will the teachers please report to the quad...
for the science fair judging.
Tiger ? Tiger, come back here.
- I'm not gonna chase you.
What you runnin' from, boy ?
She's tryin' to give me a shot !
You don't like needles ?
You want me to show you a little trick take your mind off that pain ?
Here, gimme your hand.
Now, you may feel a little bit of pressure.
Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the school counselor.
You must be Major Payne.
That's a mighty fine handshake you got there.
- You wanna wrestle ?
Uh, no thanks.
I wrestle with these kids all day. This one's usually my big helper.
Come on, Tiger. Nice meeting you, Major.
Nice meetin' you, Miss Ma'am.
Tiger ! Tiger, come back here !
I'm not gonna chase you.
Mmm.
- Come in.
Major Payne reportin' for duty, sir !
What ?
Major Payne. The new commandant ?
Oh. Right. You're in charge of the green boys.
Come again ?
The green boys.
They wear those green things.
You know, it's funny, when they stand in front of bushes, I can't see them.
Why are you here ?
The R.O.T.C. program.
I understand you've been placin' last, eight years runnin' in the Virginia Military Games.
- I am here to remedy that.
We have an R.O.T.C. program ?
- The green boys, sir. - Oh, right.
Between us, I don't care what you do with those boys,
as long as you keep them out of my hair.
Is that all ?
- Oh ! Would you like a tour of the campus ?
No. I'd like to see my men.
Fall in ! Move it, you idiots ! Let's go !
Come on, Williams ! Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy !
Mo-o-o-o-ve !
Fall in, everyone ! Fall in ! Let's go !
Come on, people ! Mo-o-o-ve !
Hustle, hustle, hustle ! Let's go. Giddyap !
Giddyap, let's go !
Sir, the squad is formed, sir !
Carry on.
My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne !
As of 0800...
I am replacin' Major Frankfurt...
as your commanding officer !
See now, what we have here...
is a failure to communicate.
Do... not... attempt...
to challenge...
my... authority !
I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots...
into a well-disciplined cadet unit.
From this day forward,
your sorry asses belong to me.
You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose,
or even dig in your butts without my say-so !
Know this: Killin' is my business, ladies,
and business is good !
- Yoo-hoo ! - What ?
I have to go to the bathroom.
- You hold it, turd. - I can't !
I said hold it, or I'll break that off...
and kick it around on the ground.
Now, be advised, ladies,
- we are going to win the Virginia Military Games !
- I said win: Whiskey, Indian, November.
Get used to the sound of that word !
- Major Payne ! - What, boy ? What, what, what ?
I did somethin' bad.
- You nasty little worm !
Go change your Huggies, boy,
and be back here pronto !
Stop that cryin' ! You'll get no pity from me !
You think your tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet...
- and stickin' it in your little tiny heart ?
- What the hell was that, you little freckle-faced cartoon ?
Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie ?
- No, sir. - Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd,
- otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry !
I see we have a sickly boy on our hands.
We're gonna have to boost your immune system, son !
Drop down, give me 25 pushups now !
- Count 'em out ! - One, sir.
- Two, sir.
What are you laughin' at, pig-boy ?
You find a piece of candy in your pocket ?
- No, sir ! - What's your name, tubby ?
- H-Heathcoat, sir ! - Heathcoat.
You know, you remind me of the doughboy.
If I poke your stomach will it make you go
You know what ? I'm gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon-boy.
Drop down, give me 30 situps right now ! Let's go !
Count 'em out ! Let me see that belly roll !
- One, tubby, tubby !
- One, sir. - Come on, pork chop !
- Two, chubby, chubby ! - Two, sir.
Whoo ! You's a pure genius !
Who you ? Redd Foxx ? No, better yet.
You Richard Pryor, ain't you ? Whoo !
What's your name, girlfriend ?
Dwight Williams, but the boys call me "D," sir.
- You can call me D. - D, hmm ?
Yeah, brother.
- You like the way I handle these white boys, D ? - Oh, yeah !
It make you feel good to see a black man runnin' things, huh ?
- Malcolm X. - Well, let me tell you somethin', D.
- Yeah, brother ? - Why don't you come closer.
I... am not...
your damn brother !
Now drop down, give me 20 squat thrusts now !
One, sir.
What are you lookin' at, ass-eyes ?
- Nothing, sir ! - You plottin' on me, boy ?
- No, sir ! - Well, let me tell you somethin', ass-eyes.
Let me tell you all somethin': War has made me very paranoid !
And when a man gets to eyeballin' me,
it make my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill !
- Do you understand me ? - Sir, yes, sir !
- Do you all understand me ? - Sir, yes, sir !
- I can't hear you. - Sir, yes, sir !
And what is your damage, muscle-head ? You stupid ?
You ignorant, or you just plain ol' deaf ?
Yes, sir. Actually, he is deaf.
Oh. Thank you.
Now drop down, give me 25 more...
for speakin' out of line !
- One, sir. - I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man.
I didn't mean to offend you. Do you speak sign language ?
Can you read lips ? Let me break it down.
If you don't answer me when I speak to you,
I'm goin' put my foot in your ass ! Is that clear, dummy ?
Sir, yes, sir.
Hold on, guys. Wait-- Oof !
Wait !
Hey, guys ! Don't start without me !
Come on ! Wait ! Hold on.
Comin'.
Hello, gorgeous. Welcome to my party.
You know, you're out of uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli.
Yeah, well, uh, l-l like this look better, General--
- Admiral-- whatever. - It's Major, boy.
Oooh. Looks like...
we got another major on our hands here, guys.
- Oooh ! - Ha-ha ! - Major, ooh, a major !
What's your name, girlie-mouth ?
Uh, Cadet Alex Stone, sir !
Yes, sir ! Heigh-ho, sir !
Well, I'm glad to see you got a sense of humor.
So do l. Heh-heh-heh.
From now on, my little group of scrotum sacs,
you will strive to be like me.
You will walk like me, talk like me,
and until you win those games,
you will be bald like me !
Way to go this time, Alex.
Dotson, take these men for two hours of P.T. !
Yes, sir ! First exercise will be the side straddle hop !
- Side straddle hop. - Squad. Ready.
One, two, three.
Come on, bacon-boy ! Come on !
- Ready, squad ! - Dotson, sit down and shut up.
I'm writin' you up, buddy ! That's it. No more of this !
You're scaring me !
Hello, Miss Walburn.
Major Payne, could you please help me to understand...
why you shaved the children bald ?
Oh, that's my little incentive program.
These boys have to earn their due.
Their hairdo, that is. Heh-heh-heh.
Do they have to earn their bathroom privileges too ?
What do you want, Mister Pee-body ?
Oh, he's upset about this morning. Apparently he had a little accident.
Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Well, maybe that's because he's six.
'Cause he's six ? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full-time job.
Well, I told him that you have something that you'd like to say to him.
You think I owe you an apology ?
Want me to take back some of those mean and hurtful little things I said ?
Okay. I'm sorry you're just a little turd...
that can't hold your liquid out in public.
Now you get on outta my face 'fore I pick you up and toss you out that window !
- Major, have you ever done this kind of work before ?
Woman, under this here hat...
I've trained 20,432...
combat killin' machines.
Well, that's just my point.
You see, now you're dealing with children, and children have special needs.
Do you know what positive reinforcement means ?
Is that anything like where you take a P.O.W. and you snap his neck...
after you torture him, so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?
Sort of.
I'd like to make a suggestion.
Why don't you and I become partners...
in the emotional growth and development of these little ones ?
What do you say ?
Will you be my big helper and help me do that ?
- Yes. - Good !
Why do I feel like a jackass ?
Ha ! Look at that baldy !
Hey ! Your head's shaped like a bowling ball !
Nazi, fascist pig !
I know where I'm gonna shave him ! Damn Major Payne !
I didn't want you to be brother !
Most of the body heat travels through the head,
and if I'm sick, I'm gonna start throwing up.
That damn Payne's already starting to get on my nerves.
Turd this, turd that. Who he think he is ?
Just shut up.
You tellin' me to shut up ? Why don't you shut your damn mouth...
and stop eatin' all that damn candy, you fat pig ?
I look like Curly from "The Three Stooges."
Did I say you could touch my bed ?
- No. - Get off.
Ow !
Payne's gonna kill us. You know I have a heart condition.
I'm not sure he's familiar with my medical history.
Let's go, let's go, let's go ! Come on !
Move it ! Saddle up that horsey and ride !
You ever hear of knocking, Dotson ?
You won't have to worry about that anymore.
I have good news for you, assholes.
Pack your bedding, your kit and your clothes ! Let's go !
Where to ?
Hello, cue balls ! Welcome to the house of Payne.
He's gotta be joking.
The squad that lives together, wins together.
Unity, turds.
That is the key word in "unit," without the y.
Tiger, Leland,
you will reside at the R.O.T.C. buildin'.
The rest of you garbage,
grab a rack and settle in.
Let's move out.
You eyeball me again, I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag.
It's so damp. What about my allergies ?
You know how far we are from the kitchen ?
- Why can't I stay here ? - 'Cause I said so.
Major Payne, sir.
What ?
Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this place is...
unacceptable, sir.
Really ?
Love my barracks night and day
Won't complain That's where I'll stay
- Good plan this time, Alex. - Why don't you shut up ?
All right, my little patch of Brussels sprouts,
uproot yourselves, climb out the pool and get some rest.
You're gonna need it.
Tomorrow, ladies,
we gonna start the hard stuff.
- The hard stuff ?
Let's move it, you turds !
You'll get no sympathy from me !
You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis !
That's where you'll find my sympathy !
This ain't no walk in the park ! Move it ! Hustle, hustle !
Hey, Dumbo ! You should be able to fly through those tubes...
- with them big-ass ears, boy ! - Yeah, Dumbo ! Fly, baby, fly !
Hey, Williams ! You tell Marlee Matlin's son...
if he don't get across that rope, I'm gonna hang him with it !
He'll hang you with it ! Ha-ha-ha !
Heathcoat !
You get your fat body over that wall !
- Take your fat, pork chop body over that-- - You-- You shut up.
Nobody's leavin' here until the average for this squad...
is one minute, twenty seconds !
Come on, he can't do it ! Leave him alone.
I can barely do it. It's slippery out here.
Slippery, he say !
You think Charlie care anything about slippery ?
Only thing he knows is slit your throat.
What if this was a life or death situation ?
But it's not a life or death situation.
- It is now.
One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.
Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ? It's just a dummy grenade.
- Damn ! Oh !
Who's the dummy now ?
So what is it, exactly ?
Concentrated dithiazanine.
- What the hell is that ? - It's like a super-laxative.
This here'll pack enough punch to take out an entire football team.
Payne'll never get off the can.
He'll be makin' beef stool 'til graduation.
- Yeah. - All right. Payne'll never know what hit him.
Kill !
Major Payne, sir ?
Can't you see I'm eatin', turd ?
There's a call for you, sir.
He's coming ! He's coming !
Mmm. Mmm.
Hmm.
- Ready ! - Damn ! He nearly put you in a coma.
- Ready on the firing range ! - It can't be legal the way he's been treating us.
- Turds, commence firing ! - Let's just tell Phillips.
- Nah, that senile old fool ain't gonna help us.
What kind of shootin' is that ?
Hey ! Hey, dummy !
What's the matter, you can't see, either ?
We gotta get rid of that son of a bitch.
You maggots couldn't hit a bull in the ass !
We're gonna have to prove...
- Payne did something so vile,
so perverse,
so disgusting...
that Phillips will have no choice but to fire him.
Like what ?
Why me ?
- 'Cause you have got the biggest tits.
- Shh. Shh. - Ahem.
Well, why not Wuligar ?
'Cause Wuligar's gotta take the pictures.
Look, it's been four hours. He hasn't blinked.
These Special Forces guys can sleep with their eyes open.
Trust me.
What happened to the other dress ?
- This one's prettier.
- Shut up, Brian ! - Shh ! Come on.
Williams, go.
Man, you sure about this ? He looks awake to me.
No, I checked on that.
Watch this.
Yo, turd-sniffer. Maggot-face !
See ? He's dead to the world.
Let's go.
- Get in. - Can't I just stand beside the bed ?
Get in.
- Get in !
Now put your head on his shoulder.
- Are you crazy ? - Do it !
- Closer.
Closer.
Now, now, now put your arm around him.
Good. Now hold it.
Hold it. Okay.
- Hello, Betty. - Aghhh !
Got no worry, got no stress
'Cause we feel good in our dress
Major Payne's a major dis
Makes us squat when we piss
He makes us squat when we piss
Got no worries Got no care
- Got no worries, got no care
I'm a baldheaded son of a bitch without hair
Used to be Samson Now I'm Ann
Gotta earn my right to be called a man
I'll tell you, ladies, you're the purtiest unit ever underneath my command !
Maybe I'll have to change my name...
- to Pimp Daddy Payne !
- Heh-heh-heh. - Major !
What are the boys doing in those dresses ?
They puttin' on a fashion show.
I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement.
Weren't you gonna be my big helper ?
Yeah, but they started it.
- Well, I'm stopping it. - Don't touch my whistle.
- I was just gonna-- - Don't touch the whistle.
All right, ladies !
Take off those dresses. Head to your barracks. Fold 'em up neatly.
Let's move it.
- You should shave your legs more. - Shut up !
Good day, Miss Walburn.
Do you really think that this approach...
is the best way to gain the trust of these boys ?
They may not like me, but they will respect me.
Let me be more direct.
- They hate you. - Good.
It'll draw them close together, make 'em a team.
- That's a very cynical plan. - Yeah, but it won't backfire.
Here. I would like you to consider an alternative approach.
I want you to have this book.
Read it. Apply it.
"The ABC's of the Loving Male Role Model."
- I don't need your book. - Take it.
- I don't want it. - Take it.
- I don't want it. - Please, Major ?
Okay.
Shut up.
All right. I got a surefire plan to get rid of that son of a bitch.
- What is it ? - What ? What ?
- It's gonna cost us. How much you got ? - Twenty.
- I got 25. - Put me down for 40.
- All right, Dotson ! - Yeah ! - Yeah !
All right, we're takin' out Payne tomorrow !
- Yeah ! - Yeah ! - Yeah !
"Love is the key...
to understandin'."
"The Three Bees.
Bee a good listener.
Bee sensitive to their needs."
Well, hello, Miss Walburn.
I just came by to let you know that Wuligar has a slight temperature,
so you might not want to torture him this evening.
I will be... sensitive...
to his needs.
Have you been reading the book ?
I might have glanced at it once or twice.
Oh, well, that's very good ! I'm very proud of you, Major.
- Oh, shucks. It ain't hard bein' sensitive.
- He's back ! He's back ! - Who's back ?
The man who lives in my closet.
Aw, boy, get on outta here with that "I'm scared of the dark" crap.
Go on, now. Git !
Sensitive.
Sensitive, sensitive.
Hello, there, fella. You know what you're havin' ?
It's called a nightmare.
You know what a nightmare is ?
Well, that's all this is.
Why don't you run on back to your room...
before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off.
Sensitive.
You call that being sensitive ?
Let me give you a little history on Kevin Dunne.
- Both of his parents are dead. - Car accident, 1989.
Lived in the Chelsea orphanage 'til 1991 when the school adopted him.
I know all about it.
Well, then you should also know that the last thing he needs right now...
is a sadistic father figure scaring the life out of him.
Maybe what he need...
is for you to pop your titty out his mouth...
and let the boy grow up.
Excuse me ? What did you say ?
I didn't stutter.
I said:
"Pop your titty out his mouth...
and stop babyin' him !"
I don't call it babying. I call it nurturing.
And I call it neutering !
And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic,
dictatorial, egomaniacal, frigid, lunatic asshole !
I ain't frigid.
He's still there !
You wanna see nurturin' ?
He's in there ?
- If he's still in there, he ain't happy. - What was that ?
Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice !
And if he's still in there, he ain't happy !
You run on back to bed.
That bad man ain't gonna bother you no more.
Thank you, Major.
I love you.
What's your angle, boy ? You plottin' on me ?
- No, sir ! - Don't you know I could snap your neck in 20 different places ?
Major, Major ! It's okay !
He's just trying to show you some affection !
I don't like it.
Make me feel all funny.
- Uh, good night, Miss Walburn. - Good night, Major.
- Where is he ? - He better get here.
Alex ! Alex !
- Alex, did you do it ? - How much did it cost ?
- Where were you ? - Shh. I did it. I did it.
Squad ! Atten-hut !
Let's go, maggots. Follow my lead !
Payne's not here He's in our ass
Butt's so tight he can't pass gas
- Sound off - One, two
- Sound off - Three, four
Break it on down Break it on down
Break it down
You like to rhyme, boy ?
What's your name ? Bushwick Bill ?
No, let me guess. You Snoop Diggety Dogg.
Turds ! Front leanin' rest position. Move !
I'm 'a teach you how I rhyme military style !
One !
Don't you feel dumb ?
Two ! Look at you.
Three.
Don't you ever make no jokes about me behind my back,
otherwise I stomp you in the ground !
All right, ladies.
Hey, Dunne. You missed all the fun.
Heh-heh. That's another rhyme.
- All right, we're headin' out to the field... - There he is.
for two hours of weapons drill.
Yo, Payne !
You Payne ?
I got somethin' to say to you.
Fee-fi-fo-fum.
What beanstalk you fall from ?
You know, I heard you've been givin' these boys a hard time.
In fact, I heard you couldn't cut it...
in the real man's military !
- I heard that it's time for you to leave.
Know what I heard ?
I heard your mother was so fat she played pool with the planets.
- Yes !
You thinkin' about leaving yet ?
Actually, I think the party just begun.
Heh-heh-heh.
Now, what I'm goin' do is take this right foot...
and I'm 'a put it 'cross the left side your face.
- Don't give me that Billy Jack bullshit ! - Whoo !
Agh.
Y-You said you were gonna--
hit me in the face.
What, you callin' me a liar ?
Ooh !
Oh, children.
Somebody's gonna answer for this blood from my lip.
I want names.
I wanna know who's responsible.
Don't all run at once.
I guess nobody's responsible.
Guess I just had that one a-comin'.
Well, you know what y'all got comin' ?
Seven 23-hour days...
full of fun and adventure.
I'm gonna make you boys strong !
Sir.
Yes, turd ?
It was me, sir. I hired him.
Well, that's one death warrant signed.
Do I have any more volunteers ?
What about you, brown-nose ?
I acted alone, sir.
The rest of the squad was unaware of my activities.
That's a pretty bold move there, Mr. Stone.
What do you think I oughta do with you ?
I don't know, sir.
You don't know.
I guess you should probably expel me, sir.
What, and send you on a vacation ?
Dotson !
- Sir, yes, sir ! - You are no longer the squad leader.
Stone. You are now cadet sergeant.
If these men win the Virginia Military Games,
it'll be because you have led them to a victory.
If they lose,
it'll be because you failed them.
- I don't accept that responsibility. - It's not negotiable.
If I'm the new squad leader, my first order is to screw you, sir !
What'd you say to me, turd ?
Why don't you go back to hell where you came from ?
Boy, I am two seconds from bein' on you...
Like white on rice and a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm !
I will put my foot so far up your ass,
the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
Try it.
- You want me gone, boy ? - Yes, sir.
I said, "Do you want me gone, soldier ?"
Yes, sir !
Then you meet me outside the R.O.T.C. buildin' at 2100 hours.
You ladies want me gone, you'll get your chance.
Where is the first place trophy from the Virginia Military Games ?
Wellington Academy, sir !
I want that trophy.
If you turds can bring me that trophy,
I will resign my command.
This is a black op, gentlemen.
If you are discovered, I will deny all knowledge...
and you will pay the price.
That is my deal.
Do you accept it ?
Sir... yes, sir.
Then bring me my trophy.
This is it, our big chance to get rid of Payne.
We got two miles to get to Wellington. Let's get it outta there as fast as we can.
Hustle, move it ! Let's go !
Go, go, go ! This is your last chance, Dotson.
What, you think I'm gonna come and help you make me look bad ?
Anyway, I called my dad. I'm leavin' this stupid school.
Bye. Have a good time.
- Whoa. Where you goin' ? - I'm goin' in the black op.
You can't come. You're too little.
Why don't you stay back here and guard the base, okay ?
What's the matter with you, boy ?
They won't let me go on no black op. Th-They say I'm too little.
No one ever lets you do anything when you're too little.
Aw, phooey !
What about all those stories about the little people that do big things ?
Like Little Red Riding Hood ? Them three little pigs ?
Spike Lee ? Or them Little Rascals ?
You ever hear the story about The Little Engine That Could ?
Let me tell you that story.
Once upon a time,
deep, deep in the jungle,
there was a little engine that could.
He was chuggin' his way across the enemy line.
Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !
This little engine's mission...
was to take some AK-47s and a nuclear payload...
over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion.
Needless to say,
there was plenty opposition.
You think that stopped the little engine that could ?
No, siree, Bob. He just kept chuggin' along.
Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga.
Toot, toot !
Not even when they climbed aboard the train and popped out the eyes of the conductor,
and blood and snot was drippin' out his eye sockets.
You think that stopped the little engine that could ?
Damn skippy. He just kept chuggin' along.
Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !
It wasn't until...
Charlie rigged a bridge with plastic explosives...
just as the little engine was makin' his way across the trestle.
Boom ! An explosion happened.
And blood and guts and spit and ass was everywhere !
And Bubba come crawlin' out the back door,
both legs missin'.
Lula May's baby boy !
He look up at me. He said, "Payne !
I can't feel my legs."
I said, "Bubba, they ain't there."
And I looked down,
and them little bloody nubs was kickin' real fast, like this here.
And I said, "Bubba, it's 30 miles to the nearest town.
'Less you can flip upside down and walk on your hands, you ain't gonna make it."
All of a sudden, Charlie was all over the place !
It was just me and my sidearm.
And I had no other alternative...
but to blast my way out.
"Die, pig ! Die ! You'll never take Major Benson Winifred Payne alive !"
Bam ! "I saw what you did to my friend !" Bam !
- Major ! Major ! Major ! - Bam ! Bam ! Bam !
Hello, Miss Walburn.
You just missed a little bedtime story.
No. I didn't, actually.
In fact, I'd love to talk to you about that story.
Perhaps over dinner ?
Okay.
Okay. I'll go get ready.
- Me too. - Okay.
- Okay.
All right, good-bye.
To be continued. When I come back, I'll tell you...
- what Bubba used as a penis. - Ooh.
Well, ain't you gonna eat ?
I think I'll wait a moment. My stomach's a little upset.
Them some mighty fine vittles.
Shouldn't let 'em go to waste.
You know, I think you're really making some wonderful strides...
with the way you're dealing with the children.
That was almost a really good thing...
you tried to do for Tiger tonight.
May I make a suggestion ?
Proceed.
Well, your story, while colorful--
was a bit rough.
You mean, the explosion !
Yes, and the eye-gouging part.
You need to loosen up.
Not everything can be about war.
What do you like to do for fun ?
I like to hang upside down blindfolded,
take my gun apart and put it back together...
before my nose starts to bleed.
Oh, that's great !
But is there anything that you like that doesn't have to do with battle ?
- Like what ? - Like golf.
Negative.
Do you like the movies ?
Negative.
I don't suppose you dance.
I've been known to cut a little rug...
in my day.
There's only one place where we can go
To see freaky girls doin' shows
Doin' tricks to make us holler
Ain't you gonna dance ?
Benson.
Not like others but above the rest
Just do any effect to turn us on Them girls got it goin' on
Benson.
Nobody does the robot anymore.
Then I guess I gotta dig further into my repertoire.
- I get hard after seein' you - Heh-heh-heh.
How hard Hard like a rock
When you make that coochie pop
Pop that coochie Hey, pop that coochie, baby
Pop that coochie
Pop, Pop that coochie, baby Pop, pop, pop that coochie
Pop, pop that coochie, baby
Freaky girls with plenty of class
Roamin' to the music and shakin' real fast
Bend over backwards, make me shout Work that body in and out
- Moving that body with plenty of action
Bringin' to the man more satisfaction
Doin' what they did to turn us out
Just work that body all the way out
Shake it, don't break it It took your mama nine months to make it
Bend over and spread 'em, girl
Show me those cultured pearls
Play that butt and don't you quit
Then blow me a freaky kiss
Girl, you know you look so cute
Williams, you take these guys and fan out the left flank of the school. Go !
Gotcha.
Wuligar. You take these two and cover the right.
- Got it ? - Got it. Come on !
Don't move !
Madison is a loser.
Man, get in there.
All right ? And then his chest cavity exploded.
Boom ! Heh-heh-heh.
You know, that was the first time I ever drove a man's nose up into his brain,
causin' instant death and simultaneous bowel evacuation.
But enough about me, woman. What's your story ?
I'm surprised you ain't dropped about 12 puppies by now.
- Ain't you never been married ?
Yeah, I was.
What happened ? You terminate his command ?
No. Actually, he left.
I wanted children. He didn't.
Any man that'd leave you oughta be monkey-stomped...
and have his brains mailed back to his mother.
Well, thank you, Benson.
How about you ? Was there ever a Mrs. Payne ?
Negative. I figured if the Marines wanted me to have a wife,
they'd have issued me one.
Well,
I had a really nice time tonight, Benson.
Heck, bein' with you is almost better than cleanin' my gun.
- I got somethin' for you. - Oh, what is it ?
It's a bullet.
It's somethin' special.
It's from my heart.
Really ? Well, where'd you get it ?
From my heart. Left ventricle.
I took it out myself with a field knife.
And I want you to have that.
Thank you, Benson.
Good night.
Good night, princess.
Whee-e-e-e, doggie !
What the hell are you doin' in my office ?
It was a trap.
You set us up.
I mighta made a little anonymous call.
You didn't think they was just gonna hand it to you, did ya ?
We got the crap kicked out of us because of you !
Tonight wasn't about fair or unfair.
It was about achievin' your objective.
Did you ?
Did you even see that trophy ?
Oh, I saw it.
And when you saw it, did you want it ?
Yeah, to get rid of you.
That's not what I asked !
Did you want it ?
I wanted it.
- To own it ? - Yeah.
- Deserve it ? - Yeah.
- To win it ? - Oh, yeah.
Then let's win it, you bruised-up turd !
If you really want it, I'll show you how to earn it.
Welcome, parents, to Madison School.
For your convenience,
we will be announcing activities throughout the day,
if they happen.
Hey, Heathcoat, your parents comin' today ?
Nah, of course not.
- How 'bout you, Williams ? - What, are you kidding ?
My parents said they'd come, but they said they got allergies.
What the hell happened to you ?
Me ? Nothing. I'm great.
Look at you, though.
Regular little soldier man.
You a hard-ass now ?
What are you doin' here ?
It's Parents Day, and I am your legal guardian.
You're drunk.
Don't you walk away from me.
Oh.
Gimme a little salute.
I'm not gonna salute you.
You salute your superiors.
- Or don't they teach that around here ? - What superior ?
They kicked you out. Remember ?
Don't you sass me like your mother.
You're mine now. I own you.
And you will respect me.
Now you salute me.
No !
You hit that boy again, I'm gonna do more than salute you.
- This is between me and my son. - Stepson.
Whoever he is, he's on my time now.
Now I'm gonna ask you nicely, please return to your vehicle.
You go on now.
Go on back to your bunk, son.
Major Payne, sir.
Yeah.
I wanna get that trophy, sir.
Come again ?
I wanna get that trophy, sir.
- What, you want to steal it ? - No, sir.
- You want to win it ? - I want to earn it, sir.
The rest of you men feel the same way ?
Meet me on the parade ground, 1700 hours.
We got work to do.
Squad, atten-hut !
What you want
Baby, I got
What you need You know I got it
All I'm askin'
- Is for a little respect when you come home - Just a little bit
- Hey, baby - Just a little bit
- When ya get home - Just a little bit
- Mister - Just a little bit
I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone
I ain't gonna do you wrong 'cause I don't wanna
All I'm askin' is for a little respect when you come home
- Just a little bit just a little bit - Baby, when you get home
And all I'm askin' in return, honey
Is to give me my propers when you get home
- Just a, just a, just a - Yeah, baby, when you get home
- Just a little bit Just a little bit - Yeah
Two. Three.
Four. Five.
Six. Seven.
Eight.
Ooh, your kisses
Sweeter than honey
- And guess what, so is my money - Forty inches breast-to-back.
All I want you to do for me is give it to me when you get home
- Re-re-re-re, re-re-re-respect - Yeah, baby
Whip it to me
- Just a little bit - When you get home, now
Just a little bit
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Take out T-C-P
- Sock it to me, sock it to me - A little respect
- Whoa, yeah, a little respect - Just a little bit
- You're runnin' out of food - Just a little bit
- And I ain't lyin' - Just a little bit
- Re-re-re-re, re-re-re-respect - Respect when you come home
- Well, you might want - Just a little bit
- To keep on tryin' - Just a little bit
- You're runnin' out of food and I ain't lyin' - Just a little bit
- Respect when you come home
- I get tired, keep on tryin' - Just a little bit
- Or you might walk even further out the door - Just a little bit
Squad ! Atten-hut !
Present arms !
Order arms !
Left face !
Right face !
Rank, rest !
You're still a shit sandwich.
You're just not a soggy one.
From now on, you are no longer turds.
You've graduated... to maggots.
You're a family, a team.
Let's win them games.
Squad !
Atten-hut !
General on deck.
Major, I have news so good I've decided to deliver it personally.
America needs you.
There's a situation in Bosnia that requires your special services.
As of this moment, you are reinstated in the United States Marines...
at the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.
- Thank you, sir ! - Congratulations.
Your unit will be leaving out of Washington.
You will arrive tomorrow at 1600 for briefing.
Here are your tickets.
Uh, General, uh, tomorrow are the military games, and I was hoping--
Games ? Payne, I fought to get you reinstated.
You wanted in. I got you in.
You don't take this, there won't be any more chances.
Sir, the major will be there, sir !
Good man. I'll see you in Washington.
Hey, hey, hey, Major. Where you goin' ?
Back to killin'. You wanna come ?
I didn't think so.
Go lead your men into victory.
Great. What happened to unity and family...
and all that other bullshit that you taught us ?
I never said families don't break up.
Don't you watch Oprah ?
So it's true. You're just gonna leave.
You know, when they're through with you, they're just gonna cut you loose again.
I asked to leave. Them boys are makin' me soft.
Them boys need you !
All that hard work they did, they did for you.
- They did it for themselves. - Benson.
Look, woman.
I toured 11 separate engagements.
I didn't do that to come back and be conquered by no woman and a bunch of kids.
What'd you really think I was gonna do, marry you ?
Put up a white picket fence ? Adopt Tiger and become the lovin' male role model ?
That's not me. It's not Payne !
You're a no good heartbreaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
And I don't know why
I let you do these things to me
My friends keep tellin' me
That you ain't no good
Oh-h-h-h but they don't know
That I'd leave you if I could
I guess I'm uptight
And I'm stuck like glue
'Cause I ain't never
I ain't never
I ain't never no, no
Loved a man the way--
I can't believe he actually left.
Alex, where are you going ?
To the games.
You guys better start getting ready. We gotta be there in an hour.
We don't have to go to the games. Payne's gone.
We don't have a chance without Payne.
Listen, Payne or no Payne,
I'm gonna go out there and win that stupid trophy.
We busted our asses off out there gettin' ready for this.
Now I didn't go through all that to come out empty-handed.
So how 'bout it, guys ? You with me ?
- Uh, I'm-- - Sure. - Yeah.
- I can't hear you ! - Sir, yes, sir !
Just a little bit louder now.
Sir, yes, sir !
One more time, you maggots.
Sir, yes, sir-r-r-r !
Taggert, present arms.
Stapleton, present arms !
Wellington, present arms !
Madison, present arms !
Cadets, order arms !
Welcome, men, to Wellington Academy,
to the 58th annual Junior R.O.T.C. Virginia Military Games.
This morning, you are all equal.
But by the end of the day today, we will honor the finest of you with a trophy.
The trophy of a champion.
Let the games begin !
Good shot, Williams. I got nothin' to say to you.
All right, Fox. Keep goin'.
Yes !
Come on, guys ! Maggots !
Pull !
Go, Tiger ! Go !
Whoa ! Catch it !
Oh, I gotcha now !
Benson.
- On your mark. Get set.
One, sir. Two, sir. Three, sir. Four, sir.
Five, sir. Six, sir. Seven, sir.
Four, sir. Five, sir. Six, sir.
Listen, Heathcoat. Over the wall. Go ! Go !
Come on ! You can do it !
Come on ! Let's move it ! Move it !
See you later, loser.
- Is that him ? - Yeah, come on !
- He just tripped him ! - The winner of the relay race is Wellington Academy.
Second place: Madison Preparatory.
Third place: Stapleton.
Fourth place: Taggert.
All right, knock it off!
Get off of him !
Hold it right there ! Hey, hey, you !
Knock it off ! Knock it off !
I want that man arrested !
This is unsatisfactory !
I demand that the Madison squad...
be disqualified from the final competition !
Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.
That's not enough ! Look at 'em !
These animals are so pathetic, their own commander didn't even bother to show up.
Ain't no need for name-calling.
Major Payne. What are you doing here ?
I was told you were on an important assignment.
Well, what could be more important than my boys winnin' this here competition ?
I suggest we get this party started.
Is that okay with you, Colonel ?
Cadets. I'm pleased to announce the two top-rated squads...
who will compete for first and second place in the parade drill competition:
Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.
Arms, hut ! Left face !
Ladies and gentlemen, Wellington Academy.
- Forward march ! - Drill leader: Sergeant Michael Rachmill.
Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.
All right, gentlemen. Let's look alive here ! We got trophies to win !
Hello, Mr. Denial.
While you were on vacation, we've been havin' some real problems here.
I don't see no problem. You made it to the finals, didn't you ?
Yeah, no thanks to you.
So why'd ya come back ? We don't need you.
Maybe I didn't come back for you.
Why'd you come back then ?
Maybe I told myself that I want to see you win first place...
and ain't gonna leave until you do !
So that's it ?
It's all about the trophy ?
Maybe... I like ya.
Just like ?
Maybe... I like you a lot.
That's it ?
Don't push the "maybe," baby.
Now let's win this thing !
We have nobody to lead the drill.
- 'Course we do. - Who ?
- Tiger. - Are you crazy ?
- What ? - That's right.
That boy know the drill like the knob on the back of his head.
I can't do it. I'm too little.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wellington Academy Drill Team.
You need me to tell you the story about the Little Engine That Could again ?
Then you get out there and you toot that horn, boy.
Toot. Toot.
Ladies and gentlemen, Madison Preparatory School.
Drill team leader: Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne.
Bust a move !
Now here we are together
Ready to do whatever
We started out as boys Now we're men and we're makin' noise
So stand back and step clear Madison cadets are the ones to fear
If you don't believe battle us and you will see
Oh, yeah, here we come Here we come, here we come
Hip-hop, hip-hop hip-hop, ho
We can get down 'cause it's in our souls
- Hit me with a one, two - One, two
- Hit me with a three, four - Three, four
Hit me with a one, two, three, four
- One, two... three, four - Mark time, march !
- Ahhhhh-hoo - Present arms
Forward march
Huh, huh, huh, huh
Order arms
Philly stomp
Ho
Hit it
Oh, yeah
One, two, three Get down on the hip-hop
Get down and get funky and you don't stop, what, do dat, do dat
Go, Tiger Do dat, do dat
Get down, do dat, do dat Go, Tiger, do dat, do dat
- Get down, do dat, do dat - Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo !
- Get down, do dat, do dat Go, Tiger, oof, oof - Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h !
Salute
Madison Preparatory School.
Company ! Atten-hut !
Sir, squad is formed, sir.
Post.
My name...
is Major Benson Winifred Payne !
I'd like to be the first to welcome you...
to the Madison School.
What we've tried to develop here...
is a family environment.
One of trust and understanding.
I'd like for you to think of me not only as your commanding officer,
- but as your friend.
And what the hell is that ?
He's mine.
That-a-boy. Sit.
Good boy.
You know, there ain't no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
Yeah, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me.
He's my blind seein'-eye dog.
What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog ?
The dog ain't blind.
I'm the one that's blind, you idiot.
Oh, I see you and your friend Cujo here...
got a little attitudinal problem needs some readjustin'.
I'm gonna fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry.
Hey, Corporal !
Go tell Mama bring my field knife.
Heh-heh-heh.
Ah, heh-heh-heh.
Oh, heh-heh.
Ah, heh-heh-heh.
Ho-ho-ho. Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, heh-heh-heh.
Ah, heh-heh-heh.