1 00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,222 In the bleak days of 1983... 2 00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:53,427 ...as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy... 3 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:57,230 ...the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company... 4 00:00:57,314 --> 00:01:01,466 ...a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times... 5 00:01:01,754 --> 00:01:06,111 ...strained under the yoke of their oppressive, new corporate management. 6 00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:09,391 Terrible. Really terrible. 7 00:01:28,434 --> 00:01:29,469 Row! 8 00:01:55,474 --> 00:01:57,465 That's it, Evans. You're fired. 9 00:01:58,234 --> 00:01:59,713 You heard me. Out. 10 00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,384 Did you hear that? He's been sacked. 11 00:02:04,754 --> 00:02:06,187 Sacked? 12 00:02:07,274 --> 00:02:11,472 Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em. 13 00:02:19,114 --> 00:02:20,103 Come on! 14 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,031 Let me out of here! 15 00:03:15,474 --> 00:03:18,193 I demand to see my lawyer! 16 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,073 Tooley! Come on. 17 00:03:53,674 --> 00:03:55,630 Quiet! Silence! 18 00:03:56,154 --> 00:03:58,110 Now, lads, let's move. 19 00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:01,948 You, you and you, break open the weapons. 20 00:04:02,074 --> 00:04:04,872 You, you and you, into the rigging. 21 00:04:06,034 --> 00:04:09,663 -And you, put the kettle on. -Aye, sir. 22 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,186 There, there, Charles. 23 00:04:56,514 --> 00:04:57,583 Sorry! 24 00:04:58,314 --> 00:05:00,270 Come on, Tooley. This way! 25 00:05:24,194 --> 00:05:25,866 Weigh the anchor! 26 00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:27,987 Weigh the anchor! 27 00:05:29,314 --> 00:05:30,827 Weigh the anchor. 28 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,232 And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance... 29 00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:40,432 ...was launched upon the high seas of international finance. 30 00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:00,512 Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route! 31 00:07:01,914 --> 00:07:04,747 -Cup of tea, dear? -Hey, captain! 32 00:07:05,314 --> 00:07:07,669 Look! To starboard! 33 00:07:11,594 --> 00:07:14,472 There it lay: the prize they sought. 34 00:07:15,794 --> 00:07:17,546 Hard to starboard! 35 00:07:17,994 --> 00:07:22,146 A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates... 36 00:07:22,754 --> 00:07:25,905 ...and fat, bloated merchant banks. 37 00:07:28,634 --> 00:07:31,831 All right, lads, battle stations! 38 00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:35,225 Come on! Move it! 39 00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:02,187 -All right, then. That's enough. -Take cover. 40 00:08:23,034 --> 00:08:24,911 Down, down! 41 00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:02,665 Hard to starboard! 42 00:09:24,634 --> 00:09:26,033 Fire! 43 00:10:32,914 --> 00:10:34,950 Eric! My balance sheets! 44 00:10:37,314 --> 00:10:39,225 Ross! Get the readouts! 45 00:10:46,314 --> 00:10:48,384 -Stop him! -Eric! 46 00:10:48,874 --> 00:10:50,353 -Thanks! -Charge! 47 00:11:39,554 --> 00:11:41,829 -No, no! Let me! Let me! -Okay, Kane. 48 00:11:48,314 --> 00:11:49,303 Captured! 49 00:11:57,034 --> 00:11:58,069 Gotcha! 50 00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:35,549 Take this. 51 00:12:41,274 --> 00:12:43,071 Here. File this. 52 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,389 Shit! 53 00:13:04,314 --> 00:13:07,670 And so, heartened by their initial success... 54 00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:12,589 ...the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance... 55 00:13:13,354 --> 00:13:16,027 ...battled on, until... 56 00:13:17,554 --> 00:13:20,626 ...as the sun set slowly in the west... 57 00:13:21,354 --> 00:13:25,506 ...the outstanding returns on their bold business venture became apparent. 58 00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:30,988 Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins... 59 00:13:33,314 --> 00:13:35,544 ...their assets stripped... 60 00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:39,906 ...their policies in tatters. 61 00:13:52,314 --> 00:13:55,386 Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen! 62 00:13:56,074 --> 00:13:58,952 "Up, up, up your premium 63 00:13:59,114 --> 00:14:02,470 "Scribble away and balance the books 64 00:14:02,874 --> 00:14:05,866 "Scribble away, but balance the books 65 00:14:06,474 --> 00:14:09,750 "It's fun to charter an accountant 66 00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:13,304 "And sail the wide accountancy 67 00:14:13,914 --> 00:14:17,873 "To find, explore the funds offshore 68 00:14:17,954 --> 00:14:21,264 "And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy 69 00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:24,905 "lt can be manly insurance 70 00:14:25,514 --> 00:14:28,790 "We'll up your premium semiannually 71 00:14:29,274 --> 00:14:33,153 "It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible 72 00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:36,306 "Sailing on the wide accountancy" 73 00:14:38,154 --> 00:14:41,783 And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history... 74 00:14:42,554 --> 00:14:45,148 ...one by one, the financial capitals of the world... 75 00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:48,226 ...crumbling under the might of their business acumen. 76 00:14:48,794 --> 00:14:50,432 Or so it would have been... 77 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,904 ...if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world... 78 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:57,543 ...had not proved to be disastrously wrong. 79 00:16:23,594 --> 00:16:25,107 -Morning. -Morning. 80 00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:32,433 -Morning. -Morning. 81 00:16:41,954 --> 00:16:44,229 -What's new? -Not much. 82 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,993 -Morning! -Good morning! Morning! 83 00:16:54,674 --> 00:16:57,142 -Frank was just asking what's new. -Was he? 84 00:16:57,914 --> 00:16:58,983 Yes. 85 00:17:01,874 --> 00:17:05,105 -Hey, look. Howard's being eaten. -Is he? 86 00:17:13,314 --> 00:17:15,145 Makes you think, doesn't it? 87 00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,265 I mean, what's it all about? 88 00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:19,303 Beats me. 89 00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:24,624 "Why are we here, what's life all about? 90 00:17:26,194 --> 00:17:30,506 "Is God really real or is there some doubt? 91 00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:36,305 "Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out 92 00:17:36,874 --> 00:17:39,593 "Tonight it's the meaning of life 93 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:45,548 "What's the point of all this hoax? 94 00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:49,073 "Is it the chicken and the egg time? 95 00:17:49,154 --> 00:17:51,349 "Are we just yolks? 96 00:17:51,754 --> 00:17:56,270 "Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes 97 00:17:57,114 --> 00:18:00,470 "Well, ca c'est le meaning of life 98 00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:06,630 "Is life just a game where we make up the rules 99 00:18:07,034 --> 00:18:10,709 "While we're searching for something to say 100 00:18:11,994 --> 00:18:16,545 "Or are we just simply spiraling coils 101 00:18:17,114 --> 00:18:20,663 "Of self-replicating DNA? 102 00:18:22,354 --> 00:18:25,664 "What's life? What is our fate? 103 00:18:27,114 --> 00:18:28,991 "Is there heaven and hell? 104 00:18:29,634 --> 00:18:31,192 "Do we reincarnate? 105 00:18:32,634 --> 00:18:37,230 "Is mankind evolving or is it too late? 106 00:18:37,394 --> 00:18:40,511 "Well, tonight here's the meaning of life 107 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:46,630 "For millions this life is a sad vale of tears 108 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,306 "Sitting round with really nothing to say 109 00:18:52,394 --> 00:18:57,388 "While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils 110 00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:01,149 "Of self-replicating DNA 111 00:19:02,634 --> 00:19:05,706 "So just why, why are we here? 112 00:19:07,274 --> 00:19:10,425 "And just what, what do we fear? 113 00:19:12,554 --> 00:19:17,503 "Well, ce soir, for a change it will all be made clear 114 00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:21,104 "For this is the meaning of life 115 00:19:21,754 --> 00:19:26,032 "C'est le sens de la vie This is the meaning of life" 116 00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:00,512 One thousand and eight! 117 00:20:00,674 --> 00:20:02,790 Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent. 118 00:20:02,874 --> 00:20:05,229 Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room. 119 00:20:13,594 --> 00:20:14,709 Jolly good. 120 00:20:15,194 --> 00:20:17,583 It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it? 121 00:20:18,514 --> 00:20:19,390 Yes. 122 00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:22,109 Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse. 123 00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,348 The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV. 124 00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:28,432 -Certainly. -And get the machine that goes, "Ping!" 125 00:20:28,674 --> 00:20:32,349 And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes. 126 00:20:40,154 --> 00:20:42,145 That's it. Bring it right here. 127 00:20:42,234 --> 00:20:44,384 Behind me. Lovely, lovely. 128 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,554 Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better. 129 00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:50,228 Yes, more like it. 130 00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:52,865 Still something missing, though. 131 00:20:58,514 --> 00:20:59,913 -Patient. -Yes. 132 00:20:59,994 --> 00:21:01,473 Where's the patient? 133 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,709 Patient! 134 00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:05,704 -Here she is. -Bring it over here. 135 00:21:06,394 --> 00:21:08,589 -Mind the machine! -Sorry, doctor. 136 00:21:08,674 --> 00:21:09,743 Come along! 137 00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:10,949 Jump on it. 138 00:21:11,074 --> 00:21:14,828 -Hello. Now don't you worry. -We'll soon have you cured. 139 00:21:15,114 --> 00:21:17,674 Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you. 140 00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:18,982 Good-bye. 141 00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:20,746 -Drips up. -lnjections. 142 00:21:20,914 --> 00:21:24,304 -Can I put the tube in the baby's head? -If I can do the episiotomy. 143 00:21:24,594 --> 00:21:25,629 Legs up. 144 00:21:26,474 --> 00:21:28,510 -Come in. -Come on in, all of you. 145 00:21:28,594 --> 00:21:30,664 -That's it. Jolly good. -Come on. 146 00:21:30,954 --> 00:21:32,069 Spread round there. 147 00:21:32,154 --> 00:21:34,065 -Who are you? -I'm the husband. 148 00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:37,146 I'm sorry, only people involved are allowed in here. 149 00:21:38,594 --> 00:21:40,073 -What do I do? -Yes? 150 00:21:40,754 --> 00:21:44,269 -What do I do? -Nothing, dear. You're not qualified. 151 00:21:44,834 --> 00:21:45,903 Leave it to us. 152 00:21:45,994 --> 00:21:47,313 What's that for? 153 00:21:47,514 --> 00:21:49,664 That's the machine that goes, "Ping!" 154 00:21:50,994 --> 00:21:53,747 You see? That means your baby is still alive. 155 00:21:54,554 --> 00:21:58,024 And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital. 156 00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:00,907 Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds. 157 00:22:00,994 --> 00:22:02,347 Aren't you lucky! 158 00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:05,184 The administrator is here, doctor. 159 00:22:05,354 --> 00:22:06,946 Switch everything on. 160 00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:08,662 Morning, gentlemen. 161 00:22:08,754 --> 00:22:10,551 -Morning. -Morning, gentlemen. 162 00:22:10,634 --> 00:22:12,306 Morning, Mr. Pycroft. 163 00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:14,470 Very impressive. 164 00:22:14,554 --> 00:22:17,466 -And what are you doing this morning? -It's a birth. 165 00:22:18,154 --> 00:22:19,746 And what sort of thing is that? 166 00:22:19,834 --> 00:22:24,225 That's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. 167 00:22:24,874 --> 00:22:26,944 Wonderful what we can do nowadays. 168 00:22:27,234 --> 00:22:29,748 I see you have the machine that goes "Ping!" 169 00:22:29,954 --> 00:22:31,307 This is my favorite. 170 00:22:31,394 --> 00:22:33,862 We lease this back from the company we sold it to. 171 00:22:33,954 --> 00:22:38,266 That way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. 172 00:22:42,114 --> 00:22:45,709 Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on. 173 00:22:46,714 --> 00:22:49,547 -The vulva's dilating, doctor. -Yes, there's the head. 174 00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:52,387 Yes, four centimeters, five, six centimeters. 175 00:22:52,554 --> 00:22:54,431 -Lights! -Amplify the ping machine. 176 00:22:54,514 --> 00:22:56,391 -Masks up! -Suction! 177 00:22:56,554 --> 00:22:58,192 Eyes down for a full house! 178 00:22:58,274 --> 00:22:59,866 Here it comes. 179 00:23:01,914 --> 00:23:03,825 And frighten it. 180 00:23:04,314 --> 00:23:05,383 Thank you. 181 00:23:05,754 --> 00:23:07,551 And the rough towels! 182 00:23:09,114 --> 00:23:10,672 Show it to the mother. 183 00:23:11,034 --> 00:23:12,990 -That's enough. -Right. Sedate her. 184 00:23:13,074 --> 00:23:16,783 -Number the child. -Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it. 185 00:23:17,274 --> 00:23:18,673 Okay, show's over. 186 00:23:20,434 --> 00:23:21,867 Is it a boy or a girl? 187 00:23:21,954 --> 00:23:25,663 I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? 188 00:23:25,754 --> 00:23:26,982 A word of advice. 189 00:23:27,074 --> 00:23:30,953 You may find you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression... 190 00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:32,786 ...P.N.D., as we doctors call it. 191 00:23:32,874 --> 00:23:34,865 So, it's lots of happy pills for you... 192 00:23:34,954 --> 00:23:37,627 ...and you can find out about the birth when you get home. 193 00:23:37,714 --> 00:23:41,229 It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8. 194 00:24:02,834 --> 00:24:04,665 Bloody hell. 195 00:24:13,234 --> 00:24:16,032 -Get it, would you, Deidre? -All right, Mum. 196 00:24:25,314 --> 00:24:27,350 -Now whose teatime is it? -Mine! 197 00:24:28,954 --> 00:24:30,228 Come on. Out you go. 198 00:24:30,314 --> 00:24:34,227 Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas... 199 00:24:34,394 --> 00:24:38,273 ...Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha... 200 00:24:38,354 --> 00:24:39,867 ...it's your bedtime. 201 00:24:40,434 --> 00:24:42,026 Now don't argue! 202 00:24:42,394 --> 00:24:45,147 Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and-- 203 00:24:45,274 --> 00:24:49,153 Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family. 204 00:24:49,834 --> 00:24:52,632 Quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon. 205 00:24:54,114 --> 00:24:56,867 The mill's closed. There's no more work. 206 00:24:57,114 --> 00:24:58,547 We're destitute. 207 00:25:00,354 --> 00:25:01,707 Come in, my little loves. 208 00:25:01,794 --> 00:25:05,389 I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments. 209 00:25:07,594 --> 00:25:09,869 No, no, that's the way it is, my loves. 210 00:25:10,034 --> 00:25:13,583 Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear a little rubber thing. 211 00:25:13,674 --> 00:25:16,188 They've done some wonderful things in their time. 212 00:25:16,274 --> 00:25:20,472 They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome... 213 00:25:20,554 --> 00:25:24,752 ...and the sanctity of the Sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity... 214 00:25:24,834 --> 00:25:28,383 ...but if they'd let me wear a little rubber thing on the end of my cock... 215 00:25:28,474 --> 00:25:30,829 ...we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. 216 00:25:30,914 --> 00:25:33,508 Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary? 217 00:25:34,834 --> 00:25:38,713 Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world. 218 00:25:38,794 --> 00:25:39,909 He's right. 219 00:25:40,314 --> 00:25:42,305 You see, we believe.... 220 00:25:42,914 --> 00:25:44,745 Let me put it like this. 221 00:25:44,994 --> 00:25:47,064 "There are Jews in the world 222 00:25:47,394 --> 00:25:49,112 "There are Buddhists 223 00:25:49,394 --> 00:25:52,784 "There are Hindus and Mormons and then 224 00:25:53,914 --> 00:25:57,270 "There are those that follow Mohammed 225 00:25:57,354 --> 00:26:01,393 "But I've never been one of them 226 00:26:04,194 --> 00:26:06,754 "I'm a Roman Catholic 227 00:26:07,234 --> 00:26:10,226 "And have been since before I was born 228 00:26:10,754 --> 00:26:13,905 "And the one thing they say about Catholics 229 00:26:14,154 --> 00:26:17,624 "Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm 230 00:26:17,914 --> 00:26:20,872 "You don't have to be a six-footer 231 00:26:21,354 --> 00:26:24,187 "You don't have to have a great brain 232 00:26:25,034 --> 00:26:28,151 "You don't have to have any clothes on 233 00:26:28,314 --> 00:26:32,193 "You're a Catholic the moment Dad came 234 00:26:32,754 --> 00:26:35,029 "Because 235 00:26:35,514 --> 00:26:39,553 "Every sperm is sacred 236 00:26:40,114 --> 00:26:43,584 "Every sperm is great 237 00:26:44,514 --> 00:26:48,348 "If a sperm is wasted 238 00:26:48,714 --> 00:26:51,751 "God gets quite irate 239 00:26:53,194 --> 00:26:56,789 "Every sperm is sacred 240 00:26:57,274 --> 00:27:01,108 "Every sperm is great 241 00:27:01,514 --> 00:27:05,268 "If a sperm is wasted 242 00:27:05,754 --> 00:27:09,349 "God gets quite irate 243 00:27:09,954 --> 00:27:13,913 "Let the heathens spill theirs 244 00:27:14,154 --> 00:27:17,510 "On the dusty ground 245 00:27:18,354 --> 00:27:21,152 "God shall make them pay 246 00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:25,666 "For each sperm that can't be found 247 00:27:26,754 --> 00:27:30,542 "Every sperm is wanted 248 00:27:30,874 --> 00:27:34,469 "Every sperm is good 249 00:27:35,034 --> 00:27:38,868 "Every sperm is needed 250 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:42,828 "In your neighborhood 251 00:27:43,074 --> 00:27:46,350 "Hindu, Taoist, Mormon 252 00:27:46,594 --> 00:27:50,030 "Spill theirs just anywhere 253 00:27:50,554 --> 00:27:53,830 "But God loves those who treat 254 00:27:53,954 --> 00:27:57,867 "Their semen with more care 255 00:27:58,834 --> 00:28:02,383 "Every sperm is sacred 256 00:28:02,754 --> 00:28:05,871 "Every sperm is great 257 00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:09,506 "If a sperm is wasted 258 00:28:09,794 --> 00:28:12,991 "God gets quite irate 259 00:28:13,354 --> 00:28:17,063 "Every sperm is sacred 260 00:28:17,234 --> 00:28:20,385 "Every sperm is good 261 00:28:20,994 --> 00:28:24,543 "Every sperm is needed 262 00:28:24,794 --> 00:28:28,230 "In your neighborhood 263 00:28:28,554 --> 00:28:31,944 "Every sperm is useful 264 00:28:32,274 --> 00:28:35,584 "Every sperm is fine 265 00:28:35,874 --> 00:28:39,184 "God needs everybody's 266 00:28:39,514 --> 00:28:40,788 -"Mine -And mine 267 00:28:40,994 --> 00:28:42,825 "And mine 268 00:28:57,474 --> 00:29:00,989 "Let the pagans spill theirs 269 00:29:01,154 --> 00:29:04,863 "O'er mountain, hill and plain 270 00:29:05,034 --> 00:29:07,594 "God shall strike them down 271 00:29:07,874 --> 00:29:11,753 "For each sperm that's spilt in vain 272 00:29:12,434 --> 00:29:15,824 "Every sperm is sacred 273 00:29:16,114 --> 00:29:19,424 "Every sperm is good 274 00:29:19,794 --> 00:29:23,104 "Every sperm is needed 275 00:29:23,434 --> 00:29:26,585 "In your neighborhood 276 00:29:27,194 --> 00:29:30,266 "Every sperm is sacred 277 00:29:30,594 --> 00:29:33,711 "Every sperm is great 278 00:29:34,194 --> 00:29:37,504 "If a sperm is wasted 279 00:29:37,754 --> 00:29:42,384 "God gets quite irate" 280 00:29:50,634 --> 00:29:52,784 So you see my problem, little ones. 281 00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:54,990 I can't keep you all here any longer. 282 00:29:55,074 --> 00:29:56,348 Speak up! 283 00:29:56,914 --> 00:29:59,144 I can't keep you all here any longer! 284 00:30:00,074 --> 00:30:03,510 God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore. 285 00:30:03,954 --> 00:30:06,184 Couldn't you have your balls cut off? 286 00:30:06,874 --> 00:30:09,752 It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all. 287 00:30:10,274 --> 00:30:14,825 He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to him. 288 00:30:15,274 --> 00:30:18,072 You could have had them pulled off in an accident. 289 00:30:19,594 --> 00:30:23,746 No. Children, I know you're trying to help, but believe me, my mind's made up. 290 00:30:23,834 --> 00:30:26,348 I've given this long and careful thought... 291 00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:30,265 ...and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you. 292 00:30:30,794 --> 00:30:35,549 "Every sperm is sacred 293 00:30:36,914 --> 00:30:41,351 "Every sperm is great" 294 00:30:42,834 --> 00:30:44,586 Look at them. Bloody Catholics. 295 00:30:44,674 --> 00:30:48,986 Filling the bloody world up with people they can't afford to bloody feed. 296 00:30:49,354 --> 00:30:50,707 What are we, dear? 297 00:30:50,794 --> 00:30:53,103 Protestant, and fiercely proud of it. 298 00:30:53,834 --> 00:30:56,428 Why do they have so many children? 299 00:30:56,514 --> 00:31:00,029 Every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby. 300 00:31:00,474 --> 00:31:03,432 -But it's the same with us, Harry. -What do you mean? 301 00:31:03,554 --> 00:31:07,945 I mean we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice. 302 00:31:08,274 --> 00:31:11,425 That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted. 303 00:31:11,514 --> 00:31:12,310 Really? 304 00:31:12,394 --> 00:31:14,828 Yes. And what's more, because we don't believe... 305 00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:17,826 ...in all that papist claptrap, we can take precautions. 306 00:31:17,914 --> 00:31:19,666 What you mean, lock the door? 307 00:31:19,754 --> 00:31:23,463 No. I mean because we're members of the Protestant Reformed Church... 308 00:31:23,554 --> 00:31:26,944 ...which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy... 309 00:31:27,034 --> 00:31:30,788 ...in the mid-16th century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue. 310 00:31:30,874 --> 00:31:31,989 What do you mean? 311 00:31:32,074 --> 00:31:34,747 I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you. 312 00:31:34,834 --> 00:31:36,062 Oh, yes, Harry. 313 00:31:36,154 --> 00:31:38,827 And, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow... 314 00:31:38,914 --> 00:31:42,668 ...I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated. 315 00:31:43,474 --> 00:31:47,228 That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. 316 00:31:47,314 --> 00:31:50,511 That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual... 317 00:31:50,594 --> 00:31:53,631 ...and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. 318 00:31:53,834 --> 00:31:57,907 When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517... 319 00:31:57,994 --> 00:32:01,464 ...he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing... 320 00:32:01,554 --> 00:32:04,193 ...but 400 years later, thanks to him... 321 00:32:04,274 --> 00:32:06,993 ...I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. 322 00:32:07,194 --> 00:32:09,992 And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. 323 00:32:10,074 --> 00:32:12,793 Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want. 324 00:32:12,914 --> 00:32:13,505 What? 325 00:32:13,594 --> 00:32:16,586 French Ticklers, black mambos, crocodile ribs. 326 00:32:16,674 --> 00:32:19,347 Sheaths that are designed not only to protect... 327 00:32:19,434 --> 00:32:22,710 ...but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. 328 00:32:22,794 --> 00:32:23,863 Have you got one? 329 00:32:23,954 --> 00:32:27,424 Have I got one? No, but I can go down the road anytime I want... 330 00:32:27,714 --> 00:32:31,627 ...and walk into Harry's, and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice: 331 00:32:31,714 --> 00:32:34,182 "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. 332 00:32:34,274 --> 00:32:38,108 "In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant." 333 00:32:38,194 --> 00:32:39,070 Why don't you? 334 00:32:39,154 --> 00:32:40,473 But they cannot. 335 00:32:40,594 --> 00:32:43,825 Because their church never made the leap out of the Middle Ages... 336 00:32:43,914 --> 00:32:46,792 ...and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy. 337 00:32:47,074 --> 00:32:51,431 But despite the attempts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure... 338 00:32:51,834 --> 00:32:54,473 ...children continue to multiply everywhere. 339 00:33:00,914 --> 00:33:05,066 "And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. 340 00:33:06,354 --> 00:33:09,824 "And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead... 341 00:33:10,274 --> 00:33:12,071 "...in Kadesh Bilgemeth... 342 00:33:12,234 --> 00:33:14,065 "...by Shor Ethra Regalion... 343 00:33:14,154 --> 00:33:18,147 "...to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda. 344 00:33:18,434 --> 00:33:21,153 "He who brought the butter dish to Balshazar... 345 00:33:21,234 --> 00:33:24,192 "...and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon. 346 00:33:24,634 --> 00:33:27,228 "And there, slew they the goats... 347 00:33:27,594 --> 00:33:32,304 "...yea, and placed they the bits in little pots." 348 00:33:33,914 --> 00:33:35,632 Here endeth the lesson. 349 00:33:35,914 --> 00:33:37,984 Let us praise God. 350 00:33:42,474 --> 00:33:43,748 Oh, Lord. 351 00:33:44,394 --> 00:33:45,668 Oh, Lord. 352 00:33:46,954 --> 00:33:48,990 You are so big. 353 00:33:49,754 --> 00:33:51,904 You are so big. 354 00:33:52,274 --> 00:33:54,993 So absolutely huge. 355 00:33:55,234 --> 00:33:58,465 So absolutely huge. 356 00:33:59,074 --> 00:34:03,545 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you. 357 00:34:03,994 --> 00:34:08,510 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you. 358 00:34:08,834 --> 00:34:12,986 Forgive us, Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying. 359 00:34:13,714 --> 00:34:16,308 And barefaced flattery. 360 00:34:16,594 --> 00:34:21,429 But you're so strong, and, well, just so super. 361 00:34:22,314 --> 00:34:24,032 Fantastic. 362 00:34:24,634 --> 00:34:26,704 -Amen, Reverend. -Amen. 363 00:34:26,994 --> 00:34:28,985 Now two boys have been found... 364 00:34:29,074 --> 00:34:31,952 ...rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. 365 00:34:33,074 --> 00:34:35,952 Some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play... 366 00:34:36,034 --> 00:34:39,709 ...an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you... 367 00:34:39,794 --> 00:34:43,628 ...that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury... 368 00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:46,387 ...to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember... 369 00:34:46,474 --> 00:34:49,272 ...the names of all those from the Sudbury area... 370 00:34:49,354 --> 00:34:51,663 ...who so gallantly gave their lives... 371 00:34:52,114 --> 00:34:54,105 ...to keep China British. 372 00:34:54,794 --> 00:34:58,833 So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! 373 00:35:01,234 --> 00:35:05,466 And Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. 374 00:35:05,994 --> 00:35:07,063 Chaplain. 375 00:35:11,434 --> 00:35:14,790 "O Lord, please don't burn us 376 00:35:15,034 --> 00:35:18,231 "Don't grill or toast your flock 377 00:35:18,874 --> 00:35:22,867 "Don't put us on the barbecue 378 00:35:23,354 --> 00:35:26,664 "Or simmer us in stock 379 00:35:27,314 --> 00:35:30,943 "Don't braise or bake or boil us 380 00:35:31,314 --> 00:35:34,784 "Or stir-fry us in a wok 381 00:35:36,074 --> 00:35:39,953 "Oh, please don't lightly poach us 382 00:35:40,114 --> 00:35:43,584 "Or baste us with hot fat 383 00:35:44,314 --> 00:35:48,830 "Don't fricassee or roast us 384 00:35:49,074 --> 00:35:52,066 "Or boil us in a vat 385 00:35:52,794 --> 00:35:57,424 "And please don't stick thy servants, Lord 386 00:35:57,554 --> 00:36:01,263 "In a rotissomat" 387 00:36:06,954 --> 00:36:08,069 He's coming! 388 00:36:15,154 --> 00:36:17,668 All right, settle down, settle down. 389 00:36:19,274 --> 00:36:21,663 Before I begin the lesson, will those of you... 390 00:36:21,754 --> 00:36:24,791 ...playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down... 391 00:36:24,874 --> 00:36:27,263 ...onto the lower peg immediately after lunch... 392 00:36:27,354 --> 00:36:30,187 ...before you write home, if you're not getting a haircut... 393 00:36:30,274 --> 00:36:34,233 ...unless you have a brother going out this weekend as the guest of another boy... 394 00:36:34,314 --> 00:36:38,102 ...then collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after your haircut. 395 00:36:38,194 --> 00:36:41,345 Make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg for you. 396 00:36:41,714 --> 00:36:43,272 -Sir? -Yes, Wymer? 397 00:36:43,354 --> 00:36:45,788 My brother's going out with Dibble this weekend... 398 00:36:45,874 --> 00:36:48,229 ...but I'm not having my hair cut, so do I move-- 399 00:36:48,314 --> 00:36:51,431 I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. 400 00:36:51,594 --> 00:36:55,633 If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes. 401 00:36:55,714 --> 00:37:00,071 You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep... 402 00:37:00,194 --> 00:37:02,833 ...when you've written your letter home before rest... 403 00:37:02,914 --> 00:37:06,031 ...move your clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors... 404 00:37:06,114 --> 00:37:09,231 ...and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. 405 00:37:10,234 --> 00:37:11,508 Now, sex. 406 00:37:14,514 --> 00:37:17,392 Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? 407 00:37:21,634 --> 00:37:25,832 Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? 408 00:37:30,314 --> 00:37:32,384 -No, sir. -No, sir. 409 00:37:33,114 --> 00:37:35,150 Well, had I done foreplay? 410 00:37:37,874 --> 00:37:39,148 Yes, sir. 411 00:37:39,794 --> 00:37:43,753 As we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me... 412 00:37:43,874 --> 00:37:46,342 ...what the purpose of foreplay is. 413 00:37:47,594 --> 00:37:48,583 Biggs. 414 00:37:52,874 --> 00:37:54,512 Don't know. Sorry, sir. 415 00:37:55,114 --> 00:37:56,103 Carter? 416 00:37:58,874 --> 00:38:01,024 Was it taking your clothes off, sir? 417 00:38:02,074 --> 00:38:03,587 And after that? 418 00:38:04,754 --> 00:38:06,824 Putting them on a lower peg, sir. 419 00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:12,788 The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate... 420 00:38:13,114 --> 00:38:16,470 ...so that the penis can penetrate more easily. 421 00:38:17,034 --> 00:38:18,547 Could we open a window, sir? 422 00:38:18,634 --> 00:38:20,192 Yes. Harris, will you? 423 00:38:20,274 --> 00:38:24,904 And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and harden. 424 00:38:27,154 --> 00:38:31,511 Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? 425 00:38:31,594 --> 00:38:33,789 Pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday. 426 00:38:33,874 --> 00:38:35,102 Watching the football? 427 00:38:35,194 --> 00:38:37,788 Boy, move over there. I'm warning you. 428 00:38:38,634 --> 00:38:41,273 I may decide to set an exam this term. 429 00:38:41,914 --> 00:38:43,393 -Oh, sir! -Sir! 430 00:38:43,514 --> 00:38:45,425 So just listen. 431 00:38:47,594 --> 00:38:52,588 Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices? 432 00:38:54,234 --> 00:38:55,462 Yes, sir. 433 00:38:55,554 --> 00:38:58,546 Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. 434 00:39:00,314 --> 00:39:02,032 Rubbing the clitoris, sir? 435 00:39:05,914 --> 00:39:07,825 What's wrong with a kiss, boy? 436 00:39:08,954 --> 00:39:11,468 Why not start her off with a nice kiss? 437 00:39:12,154 --> 00:39:15,624 You don't have to leap straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. 438 00:39:15,714 --> 00:39:17,511 Give her a kiss, boy. 439 00:39:19,154 --> 00:39:22,146 -Suck the nipple, sir? -Good, good. Well done, Wymer. 440 00:39:22,314 --> 00:39:25,351 -Stroking the thighs, sir? -Yes, yes. I suppose so. 441 00:39:25,514 --> 00:39:27,630 -Biting the neck. -Yes, good. 442 00:39:27,754 --> 00:39:31,110 Nibbling the ear lobe, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. 443 00:39:31,194 --> 00:39:34,425 So we have all these possibilities before we... 444 00:39:34,514 --> 00:39:37,506 ...stampede towards the clitoris, Watson. 445 00:39:37,994 --> 00:39:39,586 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 446 00:39:39,754 --> 00:39:45,067 Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place. 447 00:39:53,834 --> 00:39:56,348 Of course, tonguing will give you the best idea... 448 00:39:56,434 --> 00:39:59,392 ...of how the juices are coming along. 449 00:39:59,954 --> 00:40:00,989 Helen? 450 00:40:01,114 --> 00:40:04,390 Now, penetration and coitus, that is to say, intercourse... 451 00:40:04,474 --> 00:40:07,352 ...up to and including orgasm. 452 00:40:08,554 --> 00:40:09,669 Hello, dear. 453 00:40:10,514 --> 00:40:13,233 Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter. 454 00:40:13,314 --> 00:40:14,463 Sorry, sir. 455 00:40:14,794 --> 00:40:19,072 Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. I told the Garfields we'd dine with them tonight. 456 00:40:19,154 --> 00:40:22,430 -Yes, well, I suppose we must. -I said we'd be there by 8:00. 457 00:40:22,514 --> 00:40:25,312 It'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting. 458 00:40:25,394 --> 00:40:28,466 I know you don't like them, but couldn't make another excuse. 459 00:40:28,554 --> 00:40:30,226 It's just that I felt.... 460 00:40:30,714 --> 00:40:31,863 Wymer! 461 00:40:32,914 --> 00:40:35,792 This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up? 462 00:40:36,354 --> 00:40:39,152 I've no intention of going through this all again. 463 00:40:49,634 --> 00:40:52,387 We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear. 464 00:40:52,474 --> 00:40:53,543 No, of course not. 465 00:40:53,634 --> 00:40:58,389 So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife... 466 00:40:58,514 --> 00:41:00,152 ...in the standard way. 467 00:41:00,234 --> 00:41:04,193 The penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect. 468 00:41:04,954 --> 00:41:07,149 There we are. That's better. 469 00:41:07,394 --> 00:41:08,543 Now, Carter. 470 00:41:09,834 --> 00:41:11,392 -Yes, sir? -What is it? 471 00:41:13,394 --> 00:41:15,783 -It's an ocarina, sir. -Bring it up here. 472 00:41:17,234 --> 00:41:21,068 The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area... 473 00:41:21,154 --> 00:41:24,112 ...moving the penis up and down inside the vagina. 474 00:41:24,234 --> 00:41:26,794 Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table. 475 00:41:27,834 --> 00:41:30,473 While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation... 476 00:41:30,554 --> 00:41:33,273 ...by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward. 477 00:41:33,474 --> 00:41:34,702 Thank you, dear. 478 00:41:34,794 --> 00:41:37,228 Now, as the sexual excitement mounts.... 479 00:41:37,314 --> 00:41:38,793 What's funny, Biggs? 480 00:41:39,874 --> 00:41:40,829 Nothing, sir. 481 00:41:40,914 --> 00:41:43,553 Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us. 482 00:41:43,634 --> 00:41:46,068 Obviously something frightfully funny is going on. 483 00:41:46,154 --> 00:41:47,303 No, honestly, sir. 484 00:41:47,394 --> 00:41:50,989 Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play... 485 00:41:51,154 --> 00:41:55,227 ...for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon. 486 00:41:55,394 --> 00:41:56,793 Oh, no, sir! 487 00:42:16,274 --> 00:42:18,265 Well played, well played. 488 00:43:48,114 --> 00:43:51,470 Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. 489 00:43:51,554 --> 00:43:53,670 Hordern, Spadger and I'll go for the gun post. 490 00:43:53,754 --> 00:43:55,904 Hang on. You'll never make it. Let us come. 491 00:43:55,994 --> 00:43:57,063 Do as you're told. 492 00:43:57,154 --> 00:43:59,304 Right, Skipper. Oh, sir? 493 00:43:59,674 --> 00:44:02,586 If we don't meet again, sir... 494 00:44:02,914 --> 00:44:07,066 ...I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir. 495 00:44:07,154 --> 00:44:10,590 Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech. 496 00:44:10,674 --> 00:44:14,952 Me and the lads realize that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so-- 497 00:44:15,154 --> 00:44:16,951 All right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot. 498 00:44:17,034 --> 00:44:18,672 No, just a moment, sir. 499 00:44:18,834 --> 00:44:21,143 Me and the lads, we've had a little whip around. 500 00:44:21,234 --> 00:44:24,271 We've bought you something. We bought you this. 501 00:44:26,714 --> 00:44:28,864 I don't know what to say. 502 00:44:29,594 --> 00:44:32,711 It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all. 503 00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:35,309 But I think we'd better get to cover-- 504 00:44:36,794 --> 00:44:39,786 We've got something else for you as well, sir. 505 00:44:40,754 --> 00:44:43,746 Sorry it's another clock, only there was a bit of a mix-up. 506 00:44:43,834 --> 00:44:45,790 Walters thought he was buyin' a present... 507 00:44:45,874 --> 00:44:48,752 ...and Spadger and I had already got the other one. 508 00:44:48,914 --> 00:44:51,872 Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful. 509 00:44:53,634 --> 00:44:56,910 We'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later on. 510 00:44:56,994 --> 00:44:58,825 Corporal Sturridge got this for you. 511 00:44:58,914 --> 00:45:01,508 He didn't know about the others. It's Swiss. 512 00:45:01,794 --> 00:45:04,786 Now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man. 513 00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:08,907 There's a card, sir, from all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir. 514 00:45:10,234 --> 00:45:11,508 Thank you all. 515 00:45:11,594 --> 00:45:14,154 Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs. 516 00:45:20,754 --> 00:45:21,823 I'll be all right. 517 00:45:21,914 --> 00:45:25,350 There's just one other thing, sir. Spadger, give him the check. 518 00:45:25,794 --> 00:45:27,671 This is really going too far. 519 00:45:28,114 --> 00:45:31,504 I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. It'll be in No. 4 trench. 520 00:45:31,594 --> 00:45:33,664 For Christ's sake, forget it, man. 521 00:45:34,954 --> 00:45:37,024 You shouldn't have said that, sir. 522 00:45:37,834 --> 00:45:39,426 You've hurt his feelings now. 523 00:45:39,514 --> 00:45:43,029 Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs are all the same. 524 00:45:43,394 --> 00:45:48,422 One minute, it's all please and thank you. The next, they'll kick you in the teeth. 525 00:45:48,714 --> 00:45:51,672 -Let's not give him the cake. -I don't want any cake. 526 00:45:51,754 --> 00:45:54,666 Look. Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard. 527 00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:56,790 He saved his rations for six weeks, sir. 528 00:45:56,874 --> 00:45:59,752 -I don't mean to be ungrateful. -I'll be all right-- 529 00:46:00,794 --> 00:46:02,466 Blackie! Blackie! 530 00:46:02,834 --> 00:46:06,349 Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. 531 00:46:06,434 --> 00:46:08,664 Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move... 532 00:46:08,754 --> 00:46:12,633 ...but Blackitt'd be slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds. 533 00:46:12,714 --> 00:46:16,309 I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero. 534 00:46:16,594 --> 00:46:21,543 There's love in that cake. This man's love and this man's care-- 535 00:46:23,634 --> 00:46:26,785 -Oh, my Christ! -You bastard. 536 00:46:27,874 --> 00:46:30,183 All right, we will eat the cake. 537 00:46:30,674 --> 00:46:33,711 They're right. It's too good a cake not to eat. 538 00:46:33,994 --> 00:46:37,031 -Get the plates and knives, Walters. -Yes, sir. How many? 539 00:46:37,114 --> 00:46:38,103 Six. 540 00:46:39,754 --> 00:46:41,233 Better make it five. 541 00:46:41,314 --> 00:46:44,067 -Tablecloth, sir? -Yes, get the tablecloth. 542 00:46:46,074 --> 00:46:47,951 No, no, I'll get the tablecloth. 543 00:46:48,034 --> 00:46:50,548 You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern. 544 00:46:51,074 --> 00:46:52,746 -And the little lamp, sir? -Yes. 545 00:46:53,154 --> 00:46:55,384 While you're at it, you'd better get a doily. 546 00:46:55,474 --> 00:46:57,590 I'll bring two in case one gets crumpled. 547 00:46:57,674 --> 00:46:58,789 Okay! 548 00:47:02,474 --> 00:47:05,546 But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that. 549 00:47:05,634 --> 00:47:09,149 It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers... 550 00:47:09,234 --> 00:47:13,113 ...the meaning of life, it's a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life. 551 00:47:13,194 --> 00:47:15,833 Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint... 552 00:47:15,914 --> 00:47:18,348 ...against other more aggressive ideologies... 553 00:47:18,434 --> 00:47:21,983 ...then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. 554 00:47:22,754 --> 00:47:25,188 That is why we'll always need an army. 555 00:47:25,314 --> 00:47:28,192 May God strike me down were it to be otherwise. 556 00:47:32,194 --> 00:47:34,150 Don't stand there gawping... 557 00:47:34,234 --> 00:47:36,794 ...like you've never seen the hand of God before! 558 00:47:36,874 --> 00:47:40,833 Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square. 559 00:47:41,274 --> 00:47:44,630 That is, unless any of you've got anything better to do. 560 00:47:45,674 --> 00:47:46,789 Well? 561 00:47:47,914 --> 00:47:50,508 Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing... 562 00:47:50,594 --> 00:47:53,711 ...than marchin' up and down the square? 563 00:47:55,714 --> 00:47:57,944 Yes! Atkinson. 564 00:48:00,314 --> 00:48:04,592 What would you rather be doing, Atkinson? 565 00:48:05,034 --> 00:48:08,788 To be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids. 566 00:48:10,354 --> 00:48:11,833 Would you now? 567 00:48:12,554 --> 00:48:13,669 Yes, Sarge. 568 00:48:14,314 --> 00:48:15,747 Right. Off you go. 569 00:48:15,954 --> 00:48:17,023 Now. 570 00:48:17,754 --> 00:48:20,268 Everybody else happy with my little plan... 571 00:48:20,634 --> 00:48:23,194 ...of marching up and down the square a bit? 572 00:48:23,274 --> 00:48:24,548 -Sarge? -Yes? 573 00:48:24,754 --> 00:48:28,588 -I've got a book I'd quite like to read. -Go read your book then. Now! 574 00:48:29,834 --> 00:48:33,509 Everybody else quite content to join in... 575 00:48:34,154 --> 00:48:39,433 ...with my little scheme of marchin' up and down the square? 576 00:48:40,154 --> 00:48:41,189 Sarge? 577 00:48:41,754 --> 00:48:43,710 Yes, Wyclif, what is it? 578 00:48:43,874 --> 00:48:45,944 Well, I'm learning the piano. 579 00:48:47,434 --> 00:48:49,345 Learning the piano? 580 00:48:49,714 --> 00:48:50,829 Yes, Sarge. 581 00:48:50,954 --> 00:48:54,230 And I suppose you want to go practice? 582 00:48:54,714 --> 00:48:57,990 Marchin' up and down the square not good enough for you? 583 00:48:58,634 --> 00:49:00,670 -Well-- -Right! Off you go! 584 00:49:01,114 --> 00:49:03,912 Now, what about the rest of you? 585 00:49:05,314 --> 00:49:08,272 Rather be at the pictures, I suppose. 586 00:49:11,394 --> 00:49:13,225 All right! Off you go! 587 00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:19,149 Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to. 588 00:49:19,234 --> 00:49:22,271 Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square. 589 00:49:23,634 --> 00:49:27,343 Democracy and humanitarianism are trademarks of the British Army. 590 00:49:27,434 --> 00:49:28,469 Rubbish! 591 00:49:28,794 --> 00:49:32,912 And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire. 592 00:49:49,394 --> 00:49:52,431 But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done... 593 00:49:52,514 --> 00:49:56,268 ...it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class... 594 00:49:56,354 --> 00:49:59,312 ...that has made the British Army what it is. 595 00:50:32,634 --> 00:50:33,953 Excuse me. 596 00:50:40,754 --> 00:50:43,871 -Morning, Ainsworth. -Morning, Pakenham. Sleep well? 597 00:50:43,994 --> 00:50:46,383 Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though. 598 00:50:46,474 --> 00:50:48,669 Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net. 599 00:50:48,754 --> 00:50:51,222 Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they? 600 00:50:51,954 --> 00:50:53,546 -Excuse me, sir. -Yes, Chadwick? 601 00:50:53,634 --> 00:50:56,432 I'm afraid Perkins got badly bitten during the night. 602 00:50:56,514 --> 00:50:57,629 So did we. 603 00:50:57,794 --> 00:51:00,308 Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him. 604 00:51:00,514 --> 00:51:03,312 -Well, go and fetch him then. -Right you are, sir. 605 00:51:03,554 --> 00:51:05,784 Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham? 606 00:51:05,874 --> 00:51:07,273 Yes, I suppose so. 607 00:51:10,194 --> 00:51:11,673 Come on, boy. 608 00:51:20,154 --> 00:51:22,588 -Morning, Perkins. -Morning, sir. 609 00:51:22,754 --> 00:51:24,824 What's all the trouble, then? 610 00:51:24,914 --> 00:51:27,144 Bitten, sir. During the night. 611 00:51:28,794 --> 00:51:31,103 -Whole leg gone? -Yes. 612 00:51:31,914 --> 00:51:34,189 -How's it feel? -Stings a bit. 613 00:51:34,914 --> 00:51:36,745 Well, it would, wouldn't it? 614 00:51:37,034 --> 00:51:40,390 That's quite a bite you've got there. 615 00:51:40,674 --> 00:51:43,905 -Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? -Any idea how it happened? 616 00:51:44,274 --> 00:51:46,549 None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. 617 00:51:46,634 --> 00:51:49,228 Woke up just now, one sock too many. 618 00:51:49,714 --> 00:51:53,024 -Must have a hell of a hole in your net. -We've sent for the doctor. 619 00:51:53,114 --> 00:51:55,912 -Hardly worth it, is it? -Yes. Better safe than sorry. 620 00:51:55,994 --> 00:51:57,825 Yes. Good Lord, look at this. 621 00:51:57,914 --> 00:51:59,905 By Jove! That's enormous. 622 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,343 You don't think it'll come back, do you? 623 00:52:02,434 --> 00:52:03,753 -For more, you mean? -Yes. 624 00:52:03,834 --> 00:52:05,745 -We'd better get it stitched. -Right. 625 00:52:05,834 --> 00:52:07,028 Hello, doc! 626 00:52:07,114 --> 00:52:10,902 Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up? 627 00:52:11,194 --> 00:52:15,631 Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten, sort of, off. 628 00:52:16,154 --> 00:52:18,873 Yeah. Been in the wars, have we? 629 00:52:19,474 --> 00:52:20,429 Yes. 630 00:52:20,634 --> 00:52:22,625 Any headache? Bowels all right? 631 00:52:23,834 --> 00:52:26,871 Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then. 632 00:52:27,994 --> 00:52:29,985 Yes. Yes. 633 00:52:32,514 --> 00:52:34,982 Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. 634 00:52:35,114 --> 00:52:35,944 Good. 635 00:52:36,034 --> 00:52:39,788 There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest... 636 00:52:39,874 --> 00:52:43,503 ...and if you're playing football or anything, try and favour the other leg. 637 00:52:43,594 --> 00:52:44,504 Right. 638 00:52:44,594 --> 00:52:46,824 As right as rain in a couple of days. 639 00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:50,270 -Thanks for the reassurance. -Not at all. That's what I'm here for. 640 00:52:50,354 --> 00:52:52,709 Any other problems I can reassure you about? 641 00:52:52,794 --> 00:52:54,068 No, I'm fine. 642 00:52:54,154 --> 00:52:56,145 Jolly good. Well, must be off. 643 00:52:56,354 --> 00:52:59,346 So it'll just grow back again, then, will it? 644 00:53:03,114 --> 00:53:05,912 I think I'd better come clean with you about this. 645 00:53:06,154 --> 00:53:09,191 It's not a virus, I'm afraid. 646 00:53:10,154 --> 00:53:13,544 You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small. 647 00:53:13,634 --> 00:53:17,024 So small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. 648 00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:20,345 What we're looking for, this is no more than an educated guess... 649 00:53:20,434 --> 00:53:23,585 ...I'd like to make that clear, is some multicellular life form... 650 00:53:23,674 --> 00:53:27,826 ...with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11-foot long... 651 00:53:27,914 --> 00:53:30,109 ...and of the genus felis horribilis. 652 00:53:30,194 --> 00:53:33,072 What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger. 653 00:53:34,034 --> 00:53:35,467 A tiger? 654 00:53:35,914 --> 00:53:37,313 A tiger? 655 00:53:41,394 --> 00:53:43,066 A tiger in Africa? 656 00:53:43,474 --> 00:53:45,146 A tiger in Africa? 657 00:53:47,234 --> 00:53:50,909 -It's probably escaped from a zoo. -Doesn't sound very likely to me. 658 00:53:51,594 --> 00:53:53,027 Sir! Sir! 659 00:53:53,154 --> 00:53:55,907 The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating. 660 00:53:56,074 --> 00:53:57,143 Jolly good. 661 00:53:57,234 --> 00:54:00,544 Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C-division wiped out. Signal's gone. 662 00:54:00,634 --> 00:54:02,704 -Thirty men killed in F-section. -I see. 663 00:54:02,794 --> 00:54:05,183 I should think about 150 men altogether, sir. 664 00:54:05,274 --> 00:54:06,309 Jolly good. 665 00:54:06,394 --> 00:54:09,830 I haven't got the final figures, but there's a lot of seriously wounded-- 666 00:54:09,914 --> 00:54:13,304 Yes, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. 667 00:54:15,234 --> 00:54:17,350 One of the officers has lost a leg. 668 00:54:18,194 --> 00:54:21,789 -Oh, no, sir! -I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger. 669 00:54:22,314 --> 00:54:23,508 In Africa? 670 00:54:24,114 --> 00:54:27,629 The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately. 671 00:54:27,714 --> 00:54:31,946 -Right, sir. I'll organize a party. -It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant. 672 00:54:33,034 --> 00:54:36,071 -A search party. -Much better idea. 673 00:54:40,874 --> 00:54:42,068 Sorry about the mess. 674 00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,588 We'll try to clear it up by the time you get back. 675 00:54:44,674 --> 00:54:46,824 -We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? -Yes. 676 00:54:46,914 --> 00:54:48,870 We got a search party. Leave that alone. 677 00:54:48,954 --> 00:54:51,946 All this killing, bloodshed, bloody good fun, sir, isn't it? 678 00:54:52,034 --> 00:54:52,944 Yes, very good. 679 00:54:53,034 --> 00:54:55,628 -Morning, sir. -Nasty wound you've got there, fella. 680 00:54:55,714 --> 00:54:57,386 Thank you very much, sir. 681 00:54:58,634 --> 00:55:01,102 Come on, Private. Making up a search party. 682 00:55:02,354 --> 00:55:04,470 Better than staying home, isn't it? 683 00:55:04,594 --> 00:55:06,744 At home if you kill someone, they arrest you. 684 00:55:06,834 --> 00:55:09,223 Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do. 685 00:55:09,314 --> 00:55:13,387 I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me. 686 00:55:13,874 --> 00:55:16,468 Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir. 687 00:55:32,714 --> 00:55:34,067 Sorry, sir. 688 00:55:34,634 --> 00:55:35,953 Thank you. 689 00:55:52,834 --> 00:55:53,949 Look! 690 00:55:56,154 --> 00:55:58,065 My God! It's huge! 691 00:56:07,954 --> 00:56:10,514 Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. 692 00:56:11,154 --> 00:56:12,826 We were just.... 693 00:56:14,114 --> 00:56:16,070 Why are you dressed as a tiger? 694 00:56:18,634 --> 00:56:21,751 -Oh, why, why, why? -lsn't it a lovely day today? 695 00:56:22,034 --> 00:56:23,706 Answer the question. 696 00:56:24,274 --> 00:56:28,870 -We were just-- -Well, we're dressed like this because.... 697 00:56:29,874 --> 00:56:31,273 No, that's not it. 698 00:56:31,514 --> 00:56:34,108 We did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits. 699 00:56:34,194 --> 00:56:36,344 -Simple as that. -Nothing more to it. 700 00:56:37,274 --> 00:56:40,266 Actually, we're on a mission for British intelligence. 701 00:56:40,554 --> 00:56:44,342 -There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief-- -No, no, no. 702 00:56:44,474 --> 00:56:47,227 -No, no, no. -No. We're doing it for an advertisement. 703 00:56:47,314 --> 00:56:49,544 That's it. Forget about the Russians. 704 00:56:49,634 --> 00:56:51,909 We're doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee. 705 00:56:51,994 --> 00:56:55,907 "Tiger brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat." 706 00:56:55,994 --> 00:56:58,224 -Now, look-- -All right, all right. 707 00:56:58,314 --> 00:57:01,784 We are dressed as a tiger because he has an auntie who did it in 1839. 708 00:57:01,874 --> 00:57:04,627 -This is the 50th anniversary. -We're doing it for a bet. 709 00:57:04,714 --> 00:57:08,229 -God told us to do it. -To tell the truth, we are completely mad. 710 00:57:08,394 --> 00:57:10,908 We're inmates of a Bengali Psychiatric lnstitution... 711 00:57:10,994 --> 00:57:15,033 ...and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets. 712 00:57:15,594 --> 00:57:17,824 -lt doesn't matter! -What? 713 00:57:17,954 --> 00:57:20,627 lt doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. 714 00:57:20,714 --> 00:57:22,511 Have they got my leg? 715 00:57:23,274 --> 00:57:25,390 Good thinking. Well, have you? 716 00:57:26,114 --> 00:57:27,433 -Actually-- -Yes? 717 00:57:27,994 --> 00:57:30,064 We were thinking of training as taxidermists. 718 00:57:30,154 --> 00:57:32,543 We wanted the feel from the animal's point of view. 719 00:57:32,634 --> 00:57:37,628 Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg. 720 00:57:38,074 --> 00:57:40,588 -A wooden leg? -No, no, a proper leg. 721 00:57:40,674 --> 00:57:44,872 He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it. 722 00:57:46,074 --> 00:57:47,632 Without waking him up? 723 00:57:49,754 --> 00:57:51,790 -Yes. -I don't believe you. 724 00:57:52,034 --> 00:57:54,548 We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. 725 00:57:54,634 --> 00:57:56,784 The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam. 726 00:57:56,874 --> 00:58:00,787 Shut up! Now look, have you or have you not got his leg? 727 00:58:01,194 --> 00:58:04,072 -Yes. No. -No, no. 728 00:58:06,354 --> 00:58:08,629 -Why did you say yes? -I didn't. 729 00:58:08,794 --> 00:58:10,432 I'm not talking to you. 730 00:58:17,634 --> 00:58:19,386 Right. Search the thicket. 731 00:58:19,834 --> 00:58:23,747 Come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night... 732 00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:27,065 ...steal into someone's tent, anesthetize them, tissue-type 'em... 733 00:58:27,154 --> 00:58:29,463 ...amputate a leg and run away with it? 734 00:58:29,554 --> 00:58:30,987 Search the thicket. 735 00:58:31,714 --> 00:58:33,591 Leg! You're looking for a leg! 736 00:58:33,874 --> 00:58:36,468 Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere. 737 00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:39,591 Someone must've abandoned it here, knowing you'd come after it. 738 00:58:39,674 --> 00:58:42,984 We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now. 739 00:58:43,074 --> 00:58:45,952 I expect we'll have to take all the blame as usual. 740 00:58:46,514 --> 00:58:50,427 Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film. 741 00:58:57,114 --> 00:58:59,582 Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film... 742 00:58:59,674 --> 00:59:02,234 ...the moment where we take a break to invite you... 743 00:59:02,314 --> 00:59:06,023 ...to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish. 744 00:59:06,834 --> 00:59:09,428 We're going to show you a scene from another film... 745 00:59:09,514 --> 00:59:11,823 ...and ask you to guess where the fish is. 746 00:59:11,914 --> 00:59:14,587 But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves. 747 00:59:14,674 --> 00:59:16,949 Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. 748 00:59:17,034 --> 00:59:19,992 So here we are with Find the Fish. 749 00:59:29,234 --> 00:59:32,271 I wonder where that fish has gone. 750 00:59:33,074 --> 00:59:34,792 You did love it so. 751 00:59:34,874 --> 00:59:37,308 You looked after it like a son. 752 00:59:37,994 --> 00:59:41,987 And it went wherever I did go. 753 00:59:42,234 --> 00:59:45,306 -Is it in the cupboard? -Yes! 754 00:59:45,674 --> 00:59:49,633 Wouldn't you like to know? lt was a lovely little fish. 755 00:59:50,034 --> 00:59:54,505 And it went wherever I did go. 756 00:59:54,914 --> 00:59:58,509 -It's behind the sofa! -Where can that fish be? 757 00:59:59,314 --> 01:00:01,509 Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau? 758 01:00:01,594 --> 01:00:04,233 lt is a most elusive fish. 759 01:00:04,354 --> 01:00:08,108 And it went wherever I did go. 760 01:00:09,754 --> 01:00:12,143 Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. 761 01:00:12,674 --> 01:00:16,713 Fish, fish, fish.... 762 01:00:18,874 --> 01:00:21,593 Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! 763 01:00:21,874 --> 01:00:25,947 That went wherever I did go. 764 01:00:26,034 --> 01:00:28,946 -Look up his trunk! -Yeah! It's in his trousers! 765 01:00:29,314 --> 01:00:31,350 -That was terrific! -Great! Yeah! 766 01:00:31,714 --> 01:00:34,069 -Best bit so far. -Fantastic! 767 01:00:35,154 --> 01:00:37,224 Really risky, yeah. 768 01:00:40,874 --> 01:00:44,230 They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they? 769 01:00:44,314 --> 01:00:46,589 -Well, it's been building up to it. -Has it? 770 01:00:46,674 --> 01:00:48,949 Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now. 771 01:00:49,714 --> 01:00:54,105 Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all. 772 01:00:54,234 --> 01:00:56,873 -They've gotta say something. -They're bound to. 773 01:00:56,954 --> 01:00:58,069 Yeah. 774 01:01:01,754 --> 01:01:04,905 -What do you think the next bit will be? -Caption, I expect. 775 01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:07,428 About the next stage of life, you mean? Here we go. 776 01:01:09,594 --> 01:01:10,913 Could've guessed it. 777 01:01:16,754 --> 01:01:18,984 That's much better. Thank you, honey. 778 01:01:19,074 --> 01:01:20,302 You're welcome. 779 01:01:21,914 --> 01:01:25,111 lt was all sort of misty before. That's fine. 780 01:01:25,554 --> 01:01:28,910 -Hey! How are you? -We're just fine. 781 01:01:28,994 --> 01:01:31,224 What kind of food would you like this evening? 782 01:01:31,314 --> 01:01:33,384 We sort of like pineapple. 783 01:01:33,474 --> 01:01:35,351 Yeah, we love pineapple. 784 01:01:35,514 --> 01:01:38,312 Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us. 785 01:01:38,434 --> 01:01:40,664 How about the Dungeon Room? 786 01:01:41,514 --> 01:01:44,267 -That sounds fine. -Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food... 787 01:01:44,354 --> 01:01:48,472 ...served in an authentic medieval-English-dungeon atmosphere. 788 01:02:03,354 --> 01:02:04,673 lsn't this nice? 789 01:02:05,714 --> 01:02:06,942 How are ya? 790 01:02:08,154 --> 01:02:09,633 Take a little Kodak. 791 01:02:09,834 --> 01:02:11,825 Thank you. Thank you very much. 792 01:02:24,874 --> 01:02:27,786 Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about? 793 01:02:27,874 --> 01:02:31,992 -That would be wonderful. -Our special tonight is minorities. 794 01:02:32,074 --> 01:02:34,269 That sounds real interesting. 795 01:02:34,634 --> 01:02:36,704 What's this conversation here? 796 01:02:36,794 --> 01:02:40,184 That's football. You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday... 797 01:02:40,274 --> 01:02:43,107 ...or you could reminisce about really great World Series. 798 01:02:43,194 --> 01:02:44,149 No, no. 799 01:02:44,234 --> 01:02:47,510 -What is this one here? -That's philosophy. 800 01:02:48,154 --> 01:02:49,473 Is that a sport? 801 01:02:50,234 --> 01:02:53,909 No, it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis... 802 01:02:54,034 --> 01:02:55,911 ...to explain the meaning of life. 803 01:02:56,274 --> 01:02:58,344 -What was that? -What's he saying? 804 01:02:58,794 --> 01:03:00,307 That sounds wonderful. 805 01:03:00,714 --> 01:03:03,911 Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling? 806 01:03:04,034 --> 01:03:05,433 Sure. Why not? 807 01:03:05,514 --> 01:03:07,391 -Philosophy for two? -Right. 808 01:03:07,714 --> 01:03:09,432 -Room? -259. 809 01:03:09,514 --> 01:03:11,152 259. 810 01:03:13,114 --> 01:03:14,308 How do we...? 811 01:03:14,554 --> 01:03:16,704 You folks want me to start you off? 812 01:03:16,914 --> 01:03:18,108 We'd appreciate that. 813 01:03:18,194 --> 01:03:19,183 Okay! 814 01:03:21,034 --> 01:03:24,265 Look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here? 815 01:03:26,154 --> 01:03:29,305 We went to Miami last year and California the year before-- 816 01:03:29,394 --> 01:03:32,864 No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet. 817 01:03:36,234 --> 01:03:37,189 No. 818 01:03:37,434 --> 01:03:41,313 Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about? 819 01:03:41,674 --> 01:03:42,789 Nope. 820 01:03:43,314 --> 01:03:44,383 Righty-ho! 821 01:03:44,674 --> 01:03:48,792 See, throughout history, there have been certain men and women... 822 01:03:48,914 --> 01:03:52,793 ...who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence. 823 01:03:53,354 --> 01:03:56,471 -Great! -And we call these guys philosophers. 824 01:03:56,634 --> 01:03:58,943 -And that's what we're talking about. -Right! 825 01:03:59,034 --> 01:04:00,262 That's neat. 826 01:04:00,354 --> 01:04:04,666 You look you're getting the idea, so I'll give you these conversation cards. 827 01:04:04,754 --> 01:04:09,111 They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers. 828 01:04:09,194 --> 01:04:10,343 There you are. 829 01:04:10,434 --> 01:04:13,471 -Have a nice conversation. -Thank you very much. 830 01:04:13,674 --> 01:04:16,552 -He's cute. -Yeah, real understanding. 831 01:04:17,834 --> 01:04:20,712 I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher. 832 01:04:22,154 --> 01:04:25,590 Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S." 833 01:04:32,234 --> 01:04:33,747 Like Nietzsche. 834 01:04:35,754 --> 01:04:37,870 Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"? 835 01:04:39,394 --> 01:04:41,624 There's an "S" in "Nietzsche." 836 01:04:43,554 --> 01:04:45,510 Yes, there is. 837 01:04:46,634 --> 01:04:49,023 Do all philosophers have an "S" in them? 838 01:04:49,194 --> 01:04:51,469 Yeah. I think most of them do. 839 01:04:53,634 --> 01:04:56,592 Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher? 840 01:04:56,834 --> 01:04:57,983 Yeah! Right! 841 01:04:58,074 --> 01:05:01,464 She could be. She sings about the meaning of life. 842 01:05:01,834 --> 01:05:03,392 Yeah. That's right. 843 01:05:04,114 --> 01:05:06,309 But I don't think she writes her own material. 844 01:05:06,394 --> 01:05:07,429 No. 845 01:05:07,794 --> 01:05:10,354 Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material. 846 01:05:10,754 --> 01:05:13,348 No. Burt Bacharach writes it. 847 01:05:14,354 --> 01:05:16,470 There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach." 848 01:05:16,874 --> 01:05:18,546 Or in "Hal David." 849 01:05:19,554 --> 01:05:20,953 Who's Hal David? 850 01:05:21,354 --> 01:05:24,266 He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes. 851 01:05:24,394 --> 01:05:27,830 Only now, he's married to Carol Beyer Seger. 852 01:05:31,074 --> 01:05:33,713 Waiter? This conversation isn't very good. 853 01:05:33,794 --> 01:05:35,307 I'm sorry, sir. 854 01:05:36,434 --> 01:05:38,823 We do have one today that's not on the menu. 855 01:05:38,914 --> 01:05:42,873 It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants. 856 01:05:43,594 --> 01:05:45,789 Live organ transplants? What's that? 857 01:05:55,514 --> 01:05:57,789 Don't worry, dear. I'll get it. 858 01:06:04,514 --> 01:06:07,108 -Yes? -Hello. Can we have your liver? 859 01:06:07,994 --> 01:06:09,950 -What? -Your liver. 860 01:06:10,754 --> 01:06:14,064 It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen. 861 01:06:15,594 --> 01:06:18,108 You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of-- 862 01:06:18,194 --> 01:06:21,982 Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it. 863 01:06:24,354 --> 01:06:27,266 Come on, sir. Don't muck us about. 864 01:06:29,034 --> 01:06:29,944 Hello! 865 01:06:31,834 --> 01:06:34,268 -What's this, then? -A liver donor's card. 866 01:06:34,354 --> 01:06:36,629 -Need we say more? -No. 867 01:06:36,714 --> 01:06:40,263 Listen, I can't give it you now. lt says, "in the event of death." 868 01:06:40,354 --> 01:06:41,309 My God! 869 01:06:41,474 --> 01:06:44,989 No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived. 870 01:06:45,074 --> 01:06:47,668 Just lie there, sir. lt won't take a minute. 871 01:07:01,274 --> 01:07:02,787 Here. What's going on? 872 01:07:02,874 --> 01:07:05,149 He's donating his liver, madam. 873 01:07:05,834 --> 01:07:08,871 Is this because he took out one of those silly cards? 874 01:07:08,994 --> 01:07:11,508 -That's right, madam. -Typical of him. 875 01:07:12,034 --> 01:07:15,265 He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up... 876 01:07:15,514 --> 01:07:18,187 ...comes home all full of good intentions. 877 01:07:18,594 --> 01:07:22,269 He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing. 878 01:07:26,034 --> 01:07:28,628 What do you do with them all, anyway? 879 01:07:28,874 --> 01:07:30,865 They all go to saving lives, madam. 880 01:07:30,954 --> 01:07:32,387 That's what he used to say. 881 01:07:32,474 --> 01:07:35,511 "It's all for the good of the country," he used to say. 882 01:07:36,434 --> 01:07:39,232 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 883 01:07:39,714 --> 01:07:42,148 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 884 01:07:42,234 --> 01:07:46,068 I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know? 885 01:07:47,354 --> 01:07:49,584 You're not doctors, then? 886 01:07:50,794 --> 01:07:52,022 Blimey, no. 887 01:07:53,714 --> 01:07:56,945 Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. I'll see you about 7:00? 888 01:07:57,274 --> 01:07:59,913 Right, son. Look after yourself. 889 01:08:04,554 --> 01:08:07,307 You fancy a cup of tea? 890 01:08:08,674 --> 01:08:10,949 That'd be very nice. Thank you. 891 01:08:11,594 --> 01:08:14,154 Thank you very much, madam. 892 01:08:15,914 --> 01:08:17,745 I thought she'd never ask. 893 01:08:21,874 --> 01:08:24,547 You do realize he has to be... 894 01:08:25,634 --> 01:08:28,432 ...dead by the terms of the card... 895 01:08:28,994 --> 01:08:30,791 ...before he donates his liver. 896 01:08:30,874 --> 01:08:34,662 I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man. 897 01:08:34,794 --> 01:08:36,512 I mean, I was wonderin'... 898 01:08:37,594 --> 01:08:40,154 ...what you was thinkin' of doin' after that. 899 01:08:40,274 --> 01:08:42,834 I mean will you stay on your own? 900 01:08:43,194 --> 01:08:47,073 Or is there, well, someone else, sort of... 901 01:08:49,154 --> 01:08:50,667 ...on the horizon? 902 01:08:50,754 --> 01:08:54,030 I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime. 903 01:08:54,114 --> 01:08:57,106 Not at all. Very attractive woman. 904 01:08:57,914 --> 01:09:01,702 Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again. 905 01:09:02,714 --> 01:09:04,591 -Sure? -Sure. 906 01:09:12,514 --> 01:09:14,311 Can we have your liver then? 907 01:09:14,394 --> 01:09:16,066 I would be scared. 908 01:09:16,234 --> 01:09:17,303 All right. 909 01:09:18,914 --> 01:09:20,347 I'll tell you what. 910 01:09:21,154 --> 01:09:22,667 Listen to this. 911 01:09:23,914 --> 01:09:26,553 "Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown 912 01:09:26,874 --> 01:09:29,627 "And things seem hard or tough 913 01:09:30,194 --> 01:09:34,187 "And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft 914 01:09:35,074 --> 01:09:39,864 "And you feel that you've had quite enough 915 01:09:43,434 --> 01:09:49,350 "Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving 916 01:09:49,474 --> 01:09:52,113 "And revolving at 900 miles an hour 917 01:09:52,994 --> 01:09:56,828 "It's orbiting at 19 miles a second So it's reckoned 918 01:09:56,954 --> 01:09:59,752 "A sun that is the source of all our power 919 01:10:00,754 --> 01:10:04,349 "The sun and you and me And all the stars that we can see 920 01:10:04,514 --> 01:10:07,472 "Are moving at a million miles a day 921 01:10:08,274 --> 01:10:11,789 "In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour 922 01:10:12,314 --> 01:10:15,067 "Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 923 01:10:23,754 --> 01:10:27,144 "Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars 924 01:10:27,434 --> 01:10:30,551 "It's a 100,000 light years side to side 925 01:10:31,394 --> 01:10:34,511 "lt bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick 926 01:10:34,914 --> 01:10:37,951 "But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide 927 01:10:38,994 --> 01:10:42,304 "We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point 928 01:10:42,514 --> 01:10:45,312 "We go round every 200 million years 929 01:10:46,434 --> 01:10:49,870 "And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions 930 01:10:50,034 --> 01:10:53,344 "In this amazing and expanding universe 931 01:11:24,674 --> 01:11:28,223 "The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 932 01:11:28,354 --> 01:11:31,152 "In all of the directions it can whizz 933 01:11:32,114 --> 01:11:35,902 "As fast as it can go The speed of light you know 934 01:11:35,994 --> 01:11:39,350 "Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is 935 01:11:39,434 --> 01:11:43,347 "So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure 936 01:11:43,554 --> 01:11:46,785 "How amazingly unlikely is your birth 937 01:11:47,594 --> 01:11:51,064 "And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space 938 01:11:51,154 --> 01:11:54,032 "'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth" 939 01:11:59,074 --> 01:12:01,542 Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it? 940 01:12:01,634 --> 01:12:03,306 Yeah. 941 01:12:05,714 --> 01:12:07,591 Can we have your liver, then? 942 01:12:08,394 --> 01:12:10,749 -Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. -Eric! 943 01:12:19,834 --> 01:12:22,553 Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization... 944 01:12:22,634 --> 01:12:25,671 ...of just how much there is still left to own. 945 01:12:26,634 --> 01:12:31,310 ltem 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life." 946 01:12:33,634 --> 01:12:35,943 Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. 947 01:12:36,034 --> 01:12:39,310 I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks. 948 01:12:39,394 --> 01:12:43,592 What we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. 949 01:12:44,274 --> 01:12:46,913 One: people are not wearing enough hats. 950 01:12:47,674 --> 01:12:49,904 Two: matter is energy. 951 01:12:50,434 --> 01:12:54,746 In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. 952 01:12:55,594 --> 01:12:59,985 Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. 953 01:13:00,634 --> 01:13:04,343 However, this soul does not exist ab initio... 954 01:13:04,514 --> 01:13:06,789 ...as orthodox Christianity teaches. 955 01:13:07,074 --> 01:13:12,023 lt has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. 956 01:13:13,154 --> 01:13:16,544 However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability... 957 01:13:16,634 --> 01:13:20,866 ...to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. 958 01:13:24,634 --> 01:13:26,909 What was that about hats again? 959 01:13:28,354 --> 01:13:30,310 People aren't wearing enough. 960 01:13:30,394 --> 01:13:31,713 Is this true? 961 01:13:31,914 --> 01:13:35,509 Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu as our research-- 962 01:13:35,594 --> 01:13:37,949 When you say "enough", enough for what purpose? 963 01:13:38,034 --> 01:13:40,594 Can I just ask, with reference to your second point... 964 01:13:40,674 --> 01:13:44,633 ...when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted.... 965 01:13:47,114 --> 01:13:49,708 Has anyone noticed that building there before? 966 01:13:52,154 --> 01:13:53,143 What? 967 01:13:53,314 --> 01:13:54,383 Good Lord! 968 01:14:13,954 --> 01:14:15,069 Good Lord! 969 01:14:15,834 --> 01:14:18,553 The Crimson Permanent Assurance! 970 01:14:20,954 --> 01:14:24,071 We interrupt this film to apologize for this unwarranted attack... 971 01:14:24,154 --> 01:14:25,667 ...by the supporting feature. 972 01:14:25,754 --> 01:14:28,393 Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality... 973 01:14:28,474 --> 01:14:30,704 ...and are now taking steps to remedy it. 974 01:14:31,914 --> 01:14:32,983 Thank you. 975 01:14:38,994 --> 01:14:43,146 Good evening. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. 976 01:14:43,234 --> 01:14:45,828 "lsn't it awfully nice to have a penis 977 01:14:46,154 --> 01:14:48,907 "lsn't it frightfully good to have a dong 978 01:14:49,114 --> 01:14:52,106 "It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick 979 01:14:52,194 --> 01:14:55,504 "From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick 980 01:14:55,594 --> 01:14:58,552 "So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas 981 01:14:58,994 --> 01:15:01,633 "Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake 982 01:15:01,954 --> 01:15:05,310 "Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend your percy or your cock 983 01:15:05,394 --> 01:15:08,830 "You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock 984 01:15:08,914 --> 01:15:12,065 "But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock 985 01:15:12,154 --> 01:15:15,510 "And you won't come back" Thank you very much. 986 01:15:17,954 --> 01:15:21,310 -What a frightfully witty song. -Terribly clever. 987 01:15:24,674 --> 01:15:26,505 -Jolly good. -Marvelous. 988 01:15:33,914 --> 01:15:36,064 Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote! 989 01:15:54,314 --> 01:15:56,623 Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? 990 01:15:56,714 --> 01:15:57,669 Better. 991 01:15:57,754 --> 01:16:00,552 -Better? -Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. 992 01:16:00,634 --> 01:16:02,625 Gaston? A bucket for monsieur. 993 01:16:07,194 --> 01:16:09,105 There we are, monsieur. 994 01:16:23,434 --> 01:16:25,629 -Merci, Gaston. -I haven't finished. 995 01:16:26,514 --> 01:16:29,506 Pardon! Gaston? A thousand pardons, monsieur. 996 01:16:29,594 --> 01:16:33,792 Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favorite: the jugged hare. 997 01:16:33,874 --> 01:16:38,311 The hare is very high, and the sauce is very rich... 998 01:16:38,514 --> 01:16:43,269 ...with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream. 999 01:16:43,354 --> 01:16:44,707 Thank you, Gaston. 1000 01:16:44,874 --> 01:16:46,466 There's still more. 1001 01:16:46,554 --> 01:16:47,828 Allow me. 1002 01:16:49,714 --> 01:16:51,466 A new bucket for monsieur. 1003 01:16:54,954 --> 01:16:56,592 And the cleaning woman. 1004 01:16:59,394 --> 01:17:02,431 Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif... 1005 01:17:02,554 --> 01:17:05,114 ...or would he prefer to order straight away? 1006 01:17:05,994 --> 01:17:09,669 Today, we have for appetizers.... Excuse me. 1007 01:17:11,634 --> 01:17:16,583 Moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs benedictine... 1008 01:17:16,674 --> 01:17:18,790 ...tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart... 1009 01:17:18,874 --> 01:17:22,423 ...frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd. 1010 01:17:22,554 --> 01:17:26,388 C'est a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed mushrooms. 1011 01:17:26,474 --> 01:17:28,385 It's very delicate, very succulent. 1012 01:17:28,474 --> 01:17:29,873 I'll have the lot. 1013 01:17:31,074 --> 01:17:32,746 A wise choice, monsieur. 1014 01:17:33,114 --> 01:17:37,187 And now, how would you like it served? All mixed up together in a bucket? 1015 01:17:37,274 --> 01:17:39,310 Yeah. With the eggs on top. 1016 01:17:39,434 --> 01:17:43,188 -But of course. Avec les oeufs frits. -Don't skimp on the pate. 1017 01:17:43,274 --> 01:17:46,584 I assure you. Just because it's mixed up with all the other things... 1018 01:17:46,674 --> 01:17:49,188 ...we wouldn't give you less than the full amount. 1019 01:17:49,274 --> 01:17:53,028 In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. 1020 01:17:53,554 --> 01:17:56,307 Maintenant, quelque chose a boire. Something to drink? 1021 01:17:56,394 --> 01:17:59,591 Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Chateau-Latour '45. 1022 01:18:00,474 --> 01:18:02,544 And a double jeroboam of champagne. 1023 01:18:02,714 --> 01:18:04,909 Bon. And the usual brown ales? 1024 01:18:05,234 --> 01:18:09,113 Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today. 1025 01:18:09,474 --> 01:18:12,591 I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night. 1026 01:18:13,154 --> 01:18:15,429 -Shut up! -D'accord. 1027 01:18:16,074 --> 01:18:18,713 The new bucket and the cleaning woman. 1028 01:18:25,074 --> 01:18:28,589 -Is there something wrong with the food? -No, the food was excellent. 1029 01:18:28,674 --> 01:18:31,905 -You're not happy with the service? -No, no complaints. 1030 01:18:32,234 --> 01:18:35,670 It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period. 1031 01:18:37,034 --> 01:18:39,502 And we have a train to catch. 1032 01:18:39,634 --> 01:18:42,706 Yes, of course. We have a train to catch. 1033 01:18:42,954 --> 01:18:45,946 And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. 1034 01:18:46,554 --> 01:18:48,988 -Madam? -Perhaps we should be going? 1035 01:18:50,914 --> 01:18:54,873 Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you. 1036 01:18:55,834 --> 01:18:58,268 I hope very much we will see you again very soon. 1037 01:18:58,354 --> 01:18:59,833 Au revoir, messieurs. 1038 01:19:00,594 --> 01:19:03,631 Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket. 1039 01:19:07,434 --> 01:19:09,584 Another bucket for monsieur! 1040 01:19:11,514 --> 01:19:13,425 And perhaps a hose. 1041 01:19:16,874 --> 01:19:19,547 Oh, Max. Really! 1042 01:19:34,674 --> 01:19:37,666 Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint. 1043 01:19:38,234 --> 01:19:41,271 Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one. 1044 01:19:41,794 --> 01:19:44,592 -No, fuck off. I'm full. -Sir. 1045 01:19:46,794 --> 01:19:48,591 It's only wafer thin. 1046 01:19:49,674 --> 01:19:53,349 I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. 1047 01:19:53,674 --> 01:19:54,868 Bug off. 1048 01:19:55,154 --> 01:19:57,588 Sir, just one. Just one. 1049 01:20:00,394 --> 01:20:04,433 -All right. Just one. -Just the one, monsieur. 1050 01:20:05,434 --> 01:20:06,787 Voila. 1051 01:20:11,434 --> 01:20:12,833 Bon appetit. 1052 01:20:53,994 --> 01:20:56,792 Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your check. 1053 01:21:28,394 --> 01:21:31,670 You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll... 1054 01:21:32,634 --> 01:21:35,194 ...ever discover the meaning of it all... 1055 01:21:35,474 --> 01:21:37,783 ...working in a place like this. 1056 01:21:37,874 --> 01:21:41,628 Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking. 1057 01:21:41,714 --> 01:21:42,863 Really, Maria? 1058 01:21:42,954 --> 01:21:44,023 Yes. 1059 01:21:44,794 --> 01:21:47,592 I used to work in the Academie francaise. 1060 01:21:48,114 --> 01:21:50,264 But it didn't do me any good at all. 1061 01:21:50,594 --> 01:21:54,872 I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid... 1062 01:21:55,394 --> 01:21:58,352 ...but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall. 1063 01:21:58,914 --> 01:22:03,385 And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key... 1064 01:22:03,794 --> 01:22:07,469 ...but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library. 1065 01:22:08,274 --> 01:22:12,153 In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue. 1066 01:22:12,754 --> 01:22:17,032 I worked there from 9:00 'til 6:00, read every volume through... 1067 01:22:17,794 --> 01:22:21,628 ...but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. 1068 01:22:22,234 --> 01:22:26,307 I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. 1069 01:22:26,594 --> 01:22:30,826 'Til eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad. 1070 01:22:31,314 --> 01:22:33,987 So now, I'm cleaning up in here. 1071 01:22:35,394 --> 01:22:37,544 But I can't be really sad... 1072 01:22:37,754 --> 01:22:41,030 ...'cause you see, I feel that life's a game. 1073 01:22:41,474 --> 01:22:43,988 You sometimes win or lose... 1074 01:22:44,274 --> 01:22:47,027 ...and though I may be down right now... 1075 01:22:47,194 --> 01:22:50,072 ...at least I don't work for Jews. 1076 01:22:54,754 --> 01:22:55,982 I'm so sorry. 1077 01:22:56,234 --> 01:23:00,193 I had no idea we had a racist working here. 1078 01:23:00,314 --> 01:23:04,148 I apologize most sincerely. I mean.... 1079 01:23:06,034 --> 01:23:08,707 Where are you going? No, I can explain. 1080 01:23:13,074 --> 01:23:14,189 As for me... 1081 01:23:15,354 --> 01:23:18,869 ...if you want to know what I think, I'll show you something. 1082 01:23:21,314 --> 01:23:24,192 -Come with me. -I was saying that.... 1083 01:23:25,394 --> 01:23:26,873 -Hello? -Come on. 1084 01:23:27,634 --> 01:23:28,783 Hello? 1085 01:23:32,834 --> 01:23:34,153 This way. 1086 01:23:38,474 --> 01:23:40,112 Come on. Don't be shy. 1087 01:23:41,394 --> 01:23:43,464 Mind the stairs, all right? 1088 01:23:47,834 --> 01:23:49,870 I think this will help explain. 1089 01:23:56,954 --> 01:23:58,387 Come along. 1090 01:24:01,634 --> 01:24:02,703 Over here. 1091 01:24:13,674 --> 01:24:15,346 Come on. Come on. 1092 01:24:19,874 --> 01:24:21,148 This way. 1093 01:24:24,794 --> 01:24:26,022 Come on. 1094 01:24:29,954 --> 01:24:31,228 This way. 1095 01:24:33,154 --> 01:24:34,507 Stay by me? 1096 01:24:37,594 --> 01:24:39,232 Nearly there now. 1097 01:24:48,794 --> 01:24:50,227 You see that? 1098 01:24:52,874 --> 01:24:54,830 That's where I was born. 1099 01:24:57,034 --> 01:24:59,184 You know, one day... 1100 01:24:59,714 --> 01:25:02,751 ...my mother put me on her knee and she said to me: 1101 01:25:04,194 --> 01:25:05,832 "Gaston, my son. 1102 01:25:06,634 --> 01:25:09,467 "The world is a beautiful place. 1103 01:25:10,554 --> 01:25:14,183 "You must go into it and love everyone. 1104 01:25:15,914 --> 01:25:17,984 "Try to make everyone happy... 1105 01:25:18,954 --> 01:25:23,266 "...and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go." 1106 01:25:24,714 --> 01:25:26,511 So I became a waiter. 1107 01:25:34,874 --> 01:25:38,503 It's not much of a philosophy, I know. 1108 01:25:42,474 --> 01:25:46,103 Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. 1109 01:25:47,274 --> 01:25:48,548 Fuck off. 1110 01:25:50,674 --> 01:25:52,346 Don't come followin' me! 1111 01:26:27,794 --> 01:26:29,671 This man is about to die. 1112 01:26:30,154 --> 01:26:32,793 In a few moments now, he will be killed... 1113 01:26:33,074 --> 01:26:35,668 ...for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal... 1114 01:26:35,754 --> 01:26:39,827 ...who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution. 1115 01:26:43,314 --> 01:26:44,542 There he is! 1116 01:26:58,714 --> 01:27:03,071 Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie Macadam Jarrett... 1117 01:27:04,114 --> 01:27:07,743 ...you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true... 1118 01:27:08,034 --> 01:27:12,471 ...of the crime of first degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes... 1119 01:27:12,874 --> 01:27:14,512 ...in a moving picture. 1120 01:27:50,634 --> 01:27:53,353 "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." 1121 01:27:57,554 --> 01:28:00,466 It's no good. I just can't go on. 1122 01:28:01,354 --> 01:28:03,106 I'm no good anymore. 1123 01:28:04,074 --> 01:28:05,871 I want to end it all! 1124 01:28:06,594 --> 01:28:08,585 Good-bye! Good-bye! 1125 01:28:17,274 --> 01:28:18,627 Oh, my God! 1126 01:28:19,434 --> 01:28:20,833 Oh, no! 1127 01:28:21,914 --> 01:28:25,031 What'll I do? I can't live without him! 1128 01:28:30,834 --> 01:28:33,109 -Mummy! -Mum, where are you? 1129 01:28:33,194 --> 01:28:35,947 Daddy? Mummy? 1130 01:28:36,114 --> 01:28:37,103 Mummy? 1131 01:29:41,274 --> 01:29:42,263 Yes? 1132 01:29:44,194 --> 01:29:45,912 Is it about the hedge? 1133 01:29:48,594 --> 01:29:52,223 -I'm awfully sorry, but-- -I am the Grim Reaper. 1134 01:29:52,314 --> 01:29:53,190 Who? 1135 01:29:53,274 --> 01:29:55,834 -The Grim Reaper. -Yes, I see. 1136 01:29:56,234 --> 01:29:58,384 I am death. 1137 01:29:59,114 --> 01:30:02,231 Well, we have some people from America for dinner tonight-- 1138 01:30:02,314 --> 01:30:04,782 -Who is it, darling? -A Mr. Death or something. 1139 01:30:04,874 --> 01:30:08,071 He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any now. 1140 01:30:08,154 --> 01:30:11,146 Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside. Ask him in. 1141 01:30:11,234 --> 01:30:14,704 -I don't think it's quite the moment. -Do come in. Come and have a drink. 1142 01:30:14,794 --> 01:30:16,227 Do. Come on. 1143 01:30:19,754 --> 01:30:22,268 It's one of the little men from the village. 1144 01:30:22,874 --> 01:30:24,626 Do come in. Please. 1145 01:30:25,394 --> 01:30:28,386 This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia. 1146 01:30:28,714 --> 01:30:31,103 -And his wife, Debbie. -Hello there. 1147 01:30:31,834 --> 01:30:34,792 And these are the Portland Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. 1148 01:30:34,914 --> 01:30:35,824 Good evening. 1149 01:30:35,914 --> 01:30:37,427 This is Mr. Death. 1150 01:30:44,754 --> 01:30:47,393 -Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. -Yes. 1151 01:30:48,434 --> 01:30:50,265 Mr. Death is a reaper. 1152 01:30:50,834 --> 01:30:53,667 The Grim Reaper. 1153 01:30:54,154 --> 01:30:56,224 Hardly surprising in this weather. 1154 01:30:58,834 --> 01:31:01,394 So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death? 1155 01:31:01,474 --> 01:31:05,387 I am the Grim Reaper. 1156 01:31:06,114 --> 01:31:09,186 That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death. 1157 01:31:09,354 --> 01:31:10,503 Do sit down. 1158 01:31:10,594 --> 01:31:14,473 We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the third-- 1159 01:31:18,314 --> 01:31:21,863 Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer. 1160 01:31:22,114 --> 01:31:23,911 The Stilton's awfully good. 1161 01:31:24,754 --> 01:31:29,782 I am not of this world. 1162 01:31:32,554 --> 01:31:33,669 Good Lord. 1163 01:31:34,354 --> 01:31:36,993 I am death. 1164 01:31:41,034 --> 01:31:42,353 lsn't that extraordinary? 1165 01:31:42,434 --> 01:31:44,709 We were talking about death five minutes ago. 1166 01:31:44,794 --> 01:31:48,582 Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end-- 1167 01:31:48,674 --> 01:31:51,347 As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is... 1168 01:31:51,434 --> 01:31:53,994 ...and one hates to use words like "soul" or "spirit"-- 1169 01:31:54,074 --> 01:31:56,668 -What other words can one use? -Exactly. 1170 01:31:56,754 --> 01:32:00,269 You do not understand. 1171 01:32:01,954 --> 01:32:03,865 No. Obviously not. 1172 01:32:03,954 --> 01:32:06,752 -I'll tell you something, Mr. Death. -You don't-- 1173 01:32:06,834 --> 01:32:09,223 I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here... 1174 01:32:09,314 --> 01:32:11,544 ...what a really unique experience this is. 1175 01:32:11,634 --> 01:32:14,671 -Hear, hear. -We're so delighted that you dropped in. 1176 01:32:15,074 --> 01:32:19,989 -Can I just finish, please? -Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife? 1177 01:32:20,954 --> 01:32:24,310 -If you could wait, please-- -You sure you wouldn't like some sherry-- 1178 01:32:24,394 --> 01:32:26,624 Angela, I'd like to say this, please. 1179 01:32:26,794 --> 01:32:28,989 -Quiet! -Can I just say this, please? 1180 01:32:29,074 --> 01:32:33,272 Silence! I have come for you. 1181 01:32:35,794 --> 01:32:40,151 -You mean to-- -Take you away. 1182 01:32:41,634 --> 01:32:44,671 That is my purpose. 1183 01:32:46,194 --> 01:32:49,664 I am death. 1184 01:32:51,754 --> 01:32:54,712 Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? 1185 01:32:54,794 --> 01:32:57,911 I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with... 1186 01:32:57,994 --> 01:33:00,906 ...a potentially positive learning experience that can-- 1187 01:33:00,994 --> 01:33:03,747 Shut up! Shut up, you American. 1188 01:33:03,834 --> 01:33:06,428 You always talk, you Americans. 1189 01:33:06,874 --> 01:33:09,342 You talk and you talk and you say: 1190 01:33:09,754 --> 01:33:14,384 "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this." 1191 01:33:14,594 --> 01:33:17,825 Well, you're dead now, so shut up! 1192 01:33:18,394 --> 01:33:20,703 -Dead? -Dead. 1193 01:33:22,634 --> 01:33:25,671 -All of us? -All of you. 1194 01:33:28,234 --> 01:33:31,544 Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses... 1195 01:33:31,634 --> 01:33:34,148 ...then announce quite casually that we're all dead. 1196 01:33:34,234 --> 01:33:37,032 I'd remind you that you're a guest in this house-- 1197 01:33:37,314 --> 01:33:38,429 Be quiet! 1198 01:33:38,754 --> 01:33:42,349 Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous! 1199 01:33:43,394 --> 01:33:45,669 None of you have got any balls. 1200 01:33:47,394 --> 01:33:49,954 -Can I ask you a question? -What? 1201 01:33:50,314 --> 01:33:53,112 How can we all have died at the same time? 1202 01:34:05,554 --> 01:34:07,943 The salmon mousse. 1203 01:34:08,994 --> 01:34:11,747 Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you? 1204 01:34:12,394 --> 01:34:15,113 I'm most dreadfully embarrassed. 1205 01:34:16,034 --> 01:34:19,344 Now the time has come. 1206 01:34:20,754 --> 01:34:21,789 Follow. 1207 01:34:23,634 --> 01:34:24,953 Follow me. 1208 01:34:38,674 --> 01:34:41,029 Just testing. Sorry. 1209 01:34:42,914 --> 01:34:45,906 Follow me. Now. 1210 01:34:52,554 --> 01:34:53,669 Come. 1211 01:34:57,434 --> 01:35:00,028 The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon. 1212 01:35:00,114 --> 01:35:02,105 He's normally so reliable. 1213 01:35:02,194 --> 01:35:04,992 -Can we take our glasses? -Good idea. 1214 01:35:08,554 --> 01:35:10,909 Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse. 1215 01:35:16,114 --> 01:35:18,389 Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. 1216 01:35:18,474 --> 01:35:19,873 lt really is embarrassing. 1217 01:35:19,954 --> 01:35:24,072 To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death. 1218 01:35:25,834 --> 01:35:28,428 -Shall we take our cars? -Why not? 1219 01:35:29,114 --> 01:35:30,183 Good idea. 1220 01:36:05,634 --> 01:36:09,070 Behold paradise. 1221 01:36:10,994 --> 01:36:14,589 -I love it here, darling. -Me, too, Marvin. 1222 01:36:15,074 --> 01:36:17,508 Hello. Welcome to Heaven. 1223 01:36:26,354 --> 01:36:29,107 Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir? 1224 01:36:30,034 --> 01:36:33,788 Thank you. There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant. 1225 01:36:34,074 --> 01:36:38,147 -For the ladies. -Afterlife mints. Thank you. 1226 01:36:38,234 --> 01:36:40,702 -Happy Christmas. -Is it Christmas today? 1227 01:36:40,794 --> 01:36:44,070 Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven. 1228 01:36:45,114 --> 01:36:46,911 -How about that? -Lovely. 1229 01:37:30,034 --> 01:37:31,911 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1230 01:37:31,994 --> 01:37:35,987 It's truly a real honorable experience to be here this evening... 1231 01:37:36,514 --> 01:37:38,789 ...a very wonderful and warm... 1232 01:37:38,914 --> 01:37:41,189 ...and emotional moment for all of us. 1233 01:37:42,074 --> 01:37:46,545 And I'd like to sing a song for all of you. 1234 01:37:50,874 --> 01:37:54,423 "It's Christmas in Heaven 1235 01:37:54,834 --> 01:37:57,985 "All the children sing 1236 01:37:58,234 --> 01:38:00,748 "It's Christmas in Heaven 1237 01:38:01,154 --> 01:38:04,908 "Hark, hark, those church bells ring 1238 01:38:05,074 --> 01:38:08,111 "It's Christmas in Heaven 1239 01:38:08,274 --> 01:38:11,311 "The snow falls from the sky 1240 01:38:11,754 --> 01:38:13,790 "But it's nice and warm 1241 01:38:13,954 --> 01:38:18,152 "And everyone looks smart and wears a tie 1242 01:38:24,034 --> 01:38:27,265 "It's Christmas in Heaven 1243 01:38:27,554 --> 01:38:30,227 "There's great films on TV 1244 01:38:31,074 --> 01:38:34,350 "The Sound of Music twice an hour 1245 01:38:34,514 --> 01:38:37,426 "And Jaws I, II and III 1246 01:38:38,034 --> 01:38:41,424 "There's gifts for all the family 1247 01:38:41,594 --> 01:38:44,506 "There's toiletries and trains 1248 01:38:45,074 --> 01:38:48,191 "There's Sony Walkman headphone sets 1249 01:38:48,634 --> 01:38:51,626 "And the latest video games 1250 01:38:52,194 --> 01:38:55,709 "It's Christmas in Heaven 1251 01:38:56,234 --> 01:38:58,873 "Hip-hip-hooray 1252 01:38:58,954 --> 01:39:03,982 "Every single day is Christmas Day 1253 01:39:06,314 --> 01:39:09,306 "It's Christmas in Heaven 1254 01:39:12,754 --> 01:39:16,872 "Every single day is--" 1255 01:39:20,034 --> 01:39:23,265 That's the end of the film. Now here's the meaning of life. 1256 01:39:24,474 --> 01:39:26,226 Thank you, Brigitte. 1257 01:39:30,714 --> 01:39:33,865 It's nothing special. "Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. 1258 01:39:33,954 --> 01:39:36,422 "Read a good book now and then. Get some walking in. 1259 01:39:36,514 --> 01:39:40,302 "Try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations." 1260 01:39:40,394 --> 01:39:44,148 Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors... 1261 01:39:44,234 --> 01:39:47,544 ...and hopefully spark controversy, which is the only way... 1262 01:39:47,634 --> 01:39:51,673 ...to get the jaded video-sated public off their asses and back in the cinema. 1263 01:39:52,154 --> 01:39:54,952 Family entertainment? Bollocks. They want filth: 1264 01:39:55,154 --> 01:39:57,714 People doing things to each other with chain saws. 1265 01:39:57,794 --> 01:40:01,264 Babysitters stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates. 1266 01:40:01,354 --> 01:40:03,231 Vigilante groups strangling chickens. 1267 01:40:03,314 --> 01:40:06,067 Armed bands of theater critics exterminating mutant goats. 1268 01:40:06,154 --> 01:40:07,985 Where's the fun in pictures? 1269 01:40:08,074 --> 01:40:10,508 Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. 1270 01:40:10,594 --> 01:40:11,743 Good night. 1271 01:42:09,434 --> 01:42:11,265 Subtitles by SOFTlTLER