And ready, here we go. Five, four, three, two
Good evening. Tragedy in Taiwan.
Disaster in Denmark. Mayhem in Malaysia.
Those stories and more coming up later.
Tonight's lead story the computer game phenomenon...
...distributed by alleged Russian Mafia leader Konstantine Konali...
...has taken the world by storm. Out of the cold climates of Russia...
...comes the hottest computer game sensation...
...simply called "The Game." Ed?
Ed, what are you doing? You gotta try this game. It's great.
Not now, Ed. In the past six months...
..."The Game" has generated over $ 1.5 billion in revenue...
...breaking all previous records. Get him, you miserable bear!
What makes this game stand out? This is the first time that a video game...
...has appealed to a youthful... Ed!
...as well as a more sophisticated market.
Oh, sh "The Game," available in cartridges...
...as well as floppy disks for computer, has everybody playing.
Take it, Lindsay, take it.
The creator and massmarketer of "The Game" is Konstantine Konali...
...allegedly head of the Russian Mafia. No, no, no!
Konali and What is he up to in Moscow?
Get your hands off it.
Get your hands off the game! I want that game!
I'm not giving you my game! Give it to me!
ED You're through at this station. LINDSAY You're through.
Misha, take care of Skippy.
Ay.
Leonid, Leonid, Leonid.
Enough living in the shadows.
Someday...
...this will all...
...be mine!
MAN 1 This crime problem is out of hand. MAN 2 Yes, Boris Nikolayevich.
BORIS We need help.
MAN I can recommend a man I met during the international conference.
I understand he has already had dealings with Konali...
...when Konali was in America.
I will make this very clear.
Can he help us get Konali?
Yes, Boris Nikolayevich. He is just the man for the job.
Keep me informed.
Ah.
[CHEERING]
Oh.
There you are, son.
How are the new recruits doing?
It might be the best class ever, except for one man.
He's afraid of heights. See what you can do for him.
I find that sometimes the least likely cadets make the finest police officers.
Commandant Lassard, throw us the ball.
Off the scoreboard...
...off the floor, off the wall...
...off the redhead.
Nothing but net.
Not bad. I love this game.
Connors. Where's Connors?
WOMAN Thanks, Connors. You fixed it.
That's a classified police file.
"The academy has assembled a special team for a mission to Moscow."
I'd kill for that job.
CONNORS Webster's on the list. Why him?
Because he graduated first in our class.
Yeah, well...
...can he do this?
Yep.
Can he do this?
Yep. That's all I got.
WOMAN What are you doing?
Well, I've never been to Russia. Okay, now put it back.
Connors. Sergeant wants you.
Yeah. MAN Now.
I'm so very, very glad to see you.
The Moscow police have asked us to assist them...
...in apprehending Konstantine Konali. MAN Russkies?
LASSARD The godfather of Russian organized crime.
Men...
Six years ago...
...Konali helped to establish a branch of the Russian Mafia here...
...in our country.
Nearly got him then.
Unfortunately, he slipped through our fingers and escaped back to Moscow...
...where he continues his criminal activities...
...aided by his brother Mikhail and pet snake Skippy.
[TUNING RADIO]
SPORTSCASTER Home run!
Now we get another chance to apprehend him.
[SIZZLING]
CADET 1 Man, what a wimp.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Connors, get down here. You're never gonna pass the test.
I've gotta pass. My father was a cop.
His father was a cop. His father was a horse thief.
You got vertigo. Let's go. Vertigo. Ha!
I don't have vertigo.
CADET 2 Yo, Connors, you want a doughnut?
CADET 3 Not bad. COACH Connors, let's face it.
You don't have what it takes to be a cop.
Take this to Commandant Lassard's office.
He'll sign off on your dismissal papers. CADET 4 Bummer, dude.
Now, I want you to meet...
[KNOCKING]
...a new addition to our team.
You must be Cadet Connors. Hi.
I'm very, very impressed by your file.
Cadet Kyle Connors. Mm.
LASSARD Top grade average in the class.
CONNORS Sir, I have to tell you something.
Congratulations.
Thanks, but I'm not really the man in that file.
Oh, I know what you mean.
These reports never do give an accurate picture of who we really are.
Hm? Yes, but
CONNORS Ow!
Ooh!
What the hell is this?
Uhhuh.
Come on, come on. Come on.
Let's all pull together. WOMAN Okay.
Okay, all together, on three! One, two, three!
MAN Oh, God. Sir!
Ah! Captain Harris, our expert in surveillance, will be accompanying us.
Team, we're all off to Russia...
...to kick many, many buttskis.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Ah, Alexander Nikolaivitch.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Men...
...this is the honorable Commandant Alexander Nikolaivitch Rakov.
Sasha. May I say it is an honor...
...to have the great Commandant Lassard visiting our country?
Yes, you may. May I kiss you again?
No, you may not. May I escort you inside?
Yes, you may.
It is really wonderful to have you here in Russia.
Please say hello to your lovely wife...
...and tell her I'm sorry she's not here with you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yes. Lieutenant Yuri Talinsky.
Head of our organized crime unit.
Please, don't underestimate the power of the Russian Mafia...
...the most sadistic organization in the world.
Katya.
This is Sergeant Katya Sergei.
She has been handpicked to be your guide and translator.
Lieutenant Talinsky, I hold you personally responsible...
...for the comfort and safety of the Americans and Commandant Lassard.
Yes, sir. Now, Americans and Russians...
...we must grab Konali like the insect that he is...
...and we must then crush him!
God. HARRIS Make way. Jones. Jones.
Jones. Make way. Make way. Oh!
I am Captain Thaddeus Harris and in this case...
...I have stateoftheart American surveillance equipment.
I'll have this Konali business wrapped up for you in a few days.
Excuse me, Ricky. I must go to the toilet.
Yes, of course.
Pardon me. Which is my car? The one in front.
The one in front. Oh, yeah.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
What did he say? Well, he said that you had...
...a marvelous attitude and you're a pleasure to work with, sir.
I'm going to keep my eye on you.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
WOMAN OVER INTERCOM The red zone is for Communist parking only.
The one in front.
WOMAN OVER INTERCOM The red zone is for Communist parking only.
Oh, hello.
Lieutenant Talinsky didn't tell me his family would be here.
Very nice of you to come and greet me.
Katrina, I want you to think of me as America's goodwill ambassador.
And you think of me as translator and guide.
[SOBBING]
Stop! Stop!
Ay! Ayyaiyaiyaiyai.
I'm in deep borscht.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Captain Callahan, 511. Sergeant Jones, 513.
Sergeant Tackleberry, 514. Cadet Connors, 520.
Captain Harris, 515.
Not exactly a fourstar hotel, is it?
Well, we spend our police budget on fighting criminals...
...not on pampering outoftown visitors.
Your government brought us here.
They also bring in monkeys for zoo...
...but we don't put them in fourstar hotel either.
Well, I just go check on Commandant Lassard.
Lassard. Lassard. You!
[SCREAMS]
You.
Hmmm. You.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
I have job for you.
Again. When you hear door, you say
"I'm in the bathroom. I'll meet you there."
"I'm in the bathroom. Meet me there."
Again.
"I'm in the bathroom. I'll meet you there."
"I'm in the bathroom. Meet you there."
[KNOCKS]
Come in.
Again!
BELL HOP "In the bathroom. Meet me there."
Excuse me. Is the commandant in?
Well, I just saw him. He's very tired and enjoying moment of rest.
Ah. Thank you.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
I have to get to next level. Eh...
Looking for something, captain? Bugs. You can never be too careful.
Call me paranoid. You're paranoid.
I'm down to one life. I can't make it.
Can I show you a little trick?
Watch. You just want the bear to go back three spaces. Right?
See?
It makes it to next level.
I made it. Thank you. Game.
RAKOV Good morning, everyone.
I understand that your commandant will not be joining us today.
However, we will proceed with briefing anyway.
Konstantine Konali, Russian Mafia godfather.
[IMITATING CHALK SQUEAKING]
Jones!
His brother and secondincommand, Mikhail Konali.
[IMITATING CHALK SQUEAKING]
[GROWLS]
Konstantine Konali is involved in extortion...
...gambling, fencing jewelry, arms dealing.
But he does not choose to involve himself...
[JONES MAKING FARTING SOUNDS]
JONES Too much cabbage. ...in daytoday running of operations...
...which makes it rather difficult to catch him. However...
...we know three places that he frequents regularly.
One his restaurant...
...where he conducts meetings in back of office.
Two his dacha. And three
Hello. Hello.
His warehouse, where he conducts legitimate video games business. Now...
[BELCHES]
...we believe Konali is up to something big.
Unfortunately, attempts to infiltrate his operations have failed...
...but we will now work together and we will capture Konali.
Excuse me. MALE VOICE Ow!
Adam.
So good to see you.
Thank you for inviting me, Mr. Konali. However, your delivery service...
...leaves a little bit to be desired.
I have the perfect plan, but I need your help.
My help? I want you to design a program...
...that will bypass any computer security system in the world...
...letting me have access to secret files.
You're talking about...
...a passkey? Bingo.
Nothing like this exists. Create it.
I want to be able to tap into the world's banks...
...manipulate the world's stock markets, know what heads of countries know.
We could control the world!
Louder, Misha. I don't think all of Moscow heard you.
Even if I did create this passkey, how will you get it into their computers?
I have already thought of that.
You, my dear Adam, will design a new version of "The Game."
We will call it...
..."The New Game."
And we will put the passkey in it.
When you slip it into your computer, badabing!
I will have access to impenetrable files. Pretty good, no?
Lassard.
Bah! Yankee police.
Ow!
Boys, watch them.
I want to know their every move.
Good luck, babushka.
Uh...
"In the bathroom. Meet you there. In the
In the bathroom. " Yes.
TACKLEBERRY Sir, we have to go now.
Sir? In the bathroom.
Meet you there. Is everything okay?
The commandant is having some problems adjusting.
He's gonna meet us there. Oh.
Whew!
LASSARD You know, in America, funerals are in English.
This where you live?
Good day.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
I have a fish.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
He lives in a bowl too.
You have a lovely, lovely apartment.
Somehow, I feel quite at home here.
HARRIS A Russki police academy. What a joke.
In Lassard's absence, I will do all the talking.
You'll say nothing, do nothing, watch your every move.
Be on your toes. Any false move could embarrass us all.
And don't trust these guys.
Just because we're buddybuddy with them now...
...don't forget they were our sworn enemies just
Just a little while ago.
Move it. Move it, move it. MAN Moron.
The topic for today is police field tactics.
The Russian and the American approach.
American police. Good.
Perhaps you can tell us about apprehending criminals.
Me? You. You.
[APPLAUSE]
Goodness' sakes.
Major. Sergeant.
Class, this is Sergeant Tackleberry.
Okay. You know, as cops
I don't have to tell you this.
It's tough to uphold the law, but in the States...
...we have to deal with constantly changing police regulations.
I mean, take for example the excessive force issue.
I could use a volunteer. Tackleberry, what are you doing?
I am in charge here.
Captain Harris, perhaps you should demonstrate.
Well, that's more like it. Back in the old days...
...there wasn't anything you couldn't do trying to apprehend a perpetrator.
Take for example the highly effective chokehold.
Tackleberry!
Well, nowadays this is considered to be excessive force.
Or...
...the everdependable, always reliable PK24 police baton...
...which, with a single blow to the body...
...say to the lower thigh...
Renders a subject completely incapacitated.
But, no, no.
Nowadays this too is considered to be excessive force.
They want me to uphold the law...
...but they tie my hands.
Fortunately...
...there's always Old Reliable.
Why mess with success?
Uh, thanks.
[GUN FIRES]
Have you seen Lassard?
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
I have had it with you losers.
I will capture Konali because I use my head.
TACKLEBERRY Yeah, right. CALLAHAN Think we can lose him?
Excuse me. Is possible you help me?
Sure. Uh...
Why don't you guys run along and I'll catch up with you later.
Uhhuh. Sure.
Katrina, how can I help you?
You ever want something so badly it hurts?
Yes. And no matter how much you wait...
...and hope and wait more, you don't get what you want?
Well, yeah.
But my advice is don't give up. Just go for it.
I want Thattagirl. Follow your heart.
I want Say it.
I want my vacation. What's that?
I wait three years. Three years. Then you Americans come.
Talinsky, he assign me to you.
Mmhm. Now I can't go.
I have plan.
Connors, I don't leave you...
...without anyone.
Come. I select suitable replacement for you.
She's best in department.
Yeah, I'm sure she is.
Look, all I know is Lassard disappear at airport.
Organize search, find Lassard, but keep quiet.
What are you doing here? Just browsing.
Ah.
Hey, Yuri, that translator, Katrina? Very good. She's excellent.
All our people are excellent.
For instance, this is Irina Petrovskaya.
She is expert in forensics.
She can tell you everything about person...
...just by looking at one hair from head.
Ow!
Hmm. My observations conclude this man is picky eater...
...afraid of heights...
...and still a virgin. CONNORS What?
I'm not a picky eater.
Cadet Connors is also a forensics expert.
Maybe you'd be so generous as to share with us your expertise.
Uh, sure. This one puzzles us.
We were able to remove only one fingerprint from scene of crime.
This is our only clue...
...to identity of criminal.
Okeydokey.
[SCREAMS]
No wonder you're puzzled. This glass is all cracked.
Enough!
Next assignment, Chernobyl.
Excuse me, lieutenant...
...but the chief said you and your men would be available to us.
Absolutely, Captain Callahan, and I have just the men for you.
[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]
CONNORS These guys are cops?
You get the feeling that we're not wanted here?
I'll tell you what we need to do.
We need to let Konali know we're here. On his turf.
Hit him where it hurts. TACKLEBERRY I like that.
Get in his face. Kick some butt.
TACKLEBERRY Better get Katrina.
Hey, bud. Nice work.
It would be a shame to see this all go up in smoke.
How do you mean? Accidents happen.
Fire breaks out, beam gives way, workers
Get out.
Tell Konali I won't pay his extortion money.
Hey, buddy. Commandant Lassard sends his regards.
I can't tell you how it makes me feel...
...to be received so very, very generously into your family.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
[COUGHS]
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Oh.
[WHISTLING]
HARRIS I'll take matters into my own hands.
MAN What is he doing?
Sir, would you like to have lunch? Meet me in the bedroom.
In the bathroom.
Sir? BELL HOP Meet me there!
Meet you there! Meet you there!
This sewer stinks.
So Americans leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
Oh, allow me.
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
[SINGING "HOME ON THE RANGE"]
Ooh!
This went rancid.
[CONTINUING SINGING]
TACKLEBERRY I promise you this
After today, Konali's gonna know this cop's in town.
KATRINA This is a typical Russian bathhouse.
[MAN YELLS]
Okay. So this is Konali's sauna.
It's just a front. People come here to fence stolen jewels.
All right. Let's get naked.
Come on. Come on.
[WOMEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Hello, ladies.
[SCREAMING]
Hi.
Nice place you got here.
[WHIPS CRACKING] [MEN YELLING]
Freeze!
You may resume...
...whatever it is you were doing.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Okay, okay. I should be right under Konali's restaurant.
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
Did you like the necklace? WOMAN Oh, yes, my pushki.
How much? - In fact, it is all that I am wearing.
I decided that from now on...
...I will only wear diamonds, diamonds and diamonds.
- Yes. Really?
KONALI I'm going to see you later, right? WOMAN Oh, I hope so.
KONALI I'm going to bring you big surprise.
- What? How about Big Skippy?
- I love Big Skippy. And Little Skippy.
WOMAN No, not the little one.
- He bothers me. All right. I call you later.
HARRIS Hey, move it. Down in front.
Mr. Konali, we've got bad news.
It's American police.
They're messing with our operation again.
No more. You hear me?
As of this moment I am putting a contract out on Lassard and his team!
We squash them!
My fish, Swimmy Lassard.
He eats at this time every day.
MAN This will be fun, Vlady.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Hey, you little punk, get lost!
Hey, spread out!
You okay? Yeah.
Listen, just because they're good on bikes doesn't make them nice guys.
Man, look at you. Come on.
This one's for you, kid.
Now, check this.
[IMITATING MOTORCYCLE]
There. Don't miss.
[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]
Vlady, get up.
I hate dogs. I'm gonna shoot every dog I ever see.
[BUZZING]
What have we got here? A match with a red line through
[SCREAMING]
[EXPLOSION]
I've been here for 30 minutes.
Shouldn't we see if Konali's inside?
[SIGHS]
The Russian work ethic.
You know, Katrina, you take this job too seriously.
You have to learn to loosen up.
I want to loosen up.
Had vacation planned. Go to beach.
Now I sit on bench here with you.
You sure you speak with Talinsky?
Da, Talinsky. I not understand.
I should not be here.
Well, you know, Katrina, sometimes you have to expect the unexpected.
[LAUGHS]
I know your type. My type?
You just like to hunt fox. You like the chase.
Katrina, go out with me tonight. Just one date.
Give me a chance.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
I go out with you tonight.
Excellent.
Ladies and gentlemen.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
I would like to introduce to you...
...the worldfamous circus family, Zemskova.
It's the Zemskov family. They're great.
They've been doing this act for over 100 years.
They look amazingly spry for their age.
The Zemskov family passed the act down...
...from grandfather to father to son and daughter.
It's tradition. Keep secrets in family.
Ooh.
Maybe that's one they should keep a secret.
One more of those, it could be the end of the Zemskov family.
ANNOUNCER And now Ivan Zemskovi will perform the impossible!
The triple Salto Mortale.
Ivan Zemskovi!
I know.
Know what? You lie.
You tell me you get me off case as translator.
I'm sorry? Instead you tell Talinsky...
...I'm great translator. Translation
No vacation for me.
So...
...tonight I get even. Da?
ANNOUNCER Let's hear it for the great artist family, Zemskov.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, Igor and Andrusha.
Excuse me. I have to go to the little clowns' room.
Get him.
No, no, no, no. No, no, I'd like to, but I
No, no.
I'll come back in five minutes. I will. I promise you.
What is that? Is this gonna hurt?
It's not even lubricated. Ah! Whoa!
Don't you clowns know when to stop?
ANNOUNCER Let's do it. Don't be afraid. Close your eyes.
Everybody, quiet!
Huh? All right, listen here, Bozo
Don't forget, you're the one that called us for help, buster.
Well, excuse me, buster, but I didn't place the call.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Great, great subway. Terrific.
I mean, New York is a shithouse, but this is great.
Well, have you been able to capture Konali?
We were this close.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Listen to me and use my equipment, you can capture him in two days.
Na, na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na, na?
Nah.
What about this Russian food? You want borscht? We stop.
I don't want any borscht.
So now we're even. Da?
Katrina, no. I had a wonderful time.
All right. I had an awful time and I almost hurled...
...but at least I got to spend some time with you.
I had good time too.
I'm sorry for what I did. I just
I just wanted to keep you around.
It's okay.
What are you thinking about?
What's Russian for "kiss me"?
I whisper it.
It doesn't seem to lose anything in the translation.
You know, Konali...
...he's done many bad things.
But he brought you here.
Where does Konali hang out at night?
The casino. Suddenly I feel the need to gamble.
MAN No more bets, please. No more bets.
Mr. Konali, always a pleasure to see you, sir.
Jacquot, would you show Mr. Konali to his table?
That's him.
MAN Place your bets.
Have a nice evening, sir. What if he finds out you're cop?
Oh, he will, when I arrest him.
Bartender, margarita, please.
[IMITATING BLENDER]
There you go, Monsieur Bond. How about a Perrier in a bottle?
[SINGING "AM I BLUE?"]
Whoa.
Not bad, huh, Mr. Konali?
Never before have I seen such an apparition.
Let's get up.
Right.
Such a vision of womanhood.
[CALLAHAN CONTINUES SINGING]
[GLASS BREAKING]
Oh, yeah. Mr. Konali, meet Debbie.
Debbie. The name sings to me.
Debbie
Yeah! Ah.
I'd say she's in. Be right back.
Could I get an autograph? Hey, the boss is busy.
Sorry. This'll only take a second. I said, the boss is busy.
Oh, God. I tell you what. Why don't we...
Why don't we flip for it? If I win...
...I get the autograph.
If you win, I go away.
Ready? Call it.
If you could just make it out to Freddie.
Hey, kid.
You got a job? No. I'm just here for the herring.
You should come work for me.
Kid like you can go far.
Do you offer a dental plan?
I love this kid!
HARRIS Well, well, well.
You can all go and play your little undercover games...
...and when the time is right, I will arrest Konali.
KONALI I want to show you picture of my baby.
CALLAHAN Uhhuh.
KONALI This is the day I brought her home.
CALLAHAN Hmm.
KONALI Here she is at 10,000 miles. CALLAHAN Ooh.
KONALI And this is after her first tuneup.
Mmhm.
Nice car.
Do you own or lease? Everything I touch...
...I own.
You must have an awfully large payroll.
KONALI Enough about me.
Tell me...
...is that your real hair?
Everything about me is real.
Really?
Really.
I want to know all about you. I find you fascinating.
We have an appointment with destiny.
But not tonight.
When?
Tomorrow.
Coffee and cake.
I send my car for you.
Nice car.
Yoohoo! Commandant Lassard!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
MAN 1 Give me a cigarette. MAN 2 Did you see Konali's girlfriend?
MAN 1 Americanski.
Oh, nice tieski.
[VOICES SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
MAN Okay, get me some vodka.
Damn!
ADAM Why don't you try "from Russia with love"?
[LAUGHING]
"Russia with love."
CONNORS Who are you? None of your business.
What are you doing here? Playing games.
Hey, knock it off.
Hey, cut it out.
I know what you want...
...but you can't have it.
What's wrong with you? Did you know...
...that I have been in this room for 72 hours straight with no food?
Just me...
...and the bear.
No food?
No.
Nuts?
Your little game is over. No, not yet.
Tomorrow it'll all be over...
...and Konali will have the power.
Could you let me up now, please?
I'm on kind of a deadline.
And with Konali...
...he takes "deadline" literally.
I'm about to show the world something bigger...
...than they have ever seen in their puny existence.
But...
...I want to show you my thing first.
Is it something I could wrap around my neck?
KONALI You're warm.
Is it something I could play with?
You're getting warmer. Oh, the suspense is killing me, Koni.
Tell me what it is. It's a game!
But not just any game.
New version of old game...
...where I become big winner... Oh.
...with the help of a secret key. Secret key?
Key?
[DOOR OPENING]
What are you doing? Uh...
Nothing.
Boss wants his computer key from his office.
It's not here. It's at his other office...
...in the restaurant.
Bye.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Whoa!
That's a laser grid. We set one foot on that floor...
...and every alarm in this place goes off.
We've got to get to that cutoff switch over there.
Hey, Tack, I got it.
Okay, stand back. There's only one way to get this safe open.
Wait a minute. You blow that thing, Konali's gonna know we were here.
Hmm. What are we gonna do?
[MAKING CLICKING SOUNDS]
You're amazing.
There's no key in here.
[WHISTLING]
ALL Keys!
Move, you little weasel. Don't hurt me, okay
Hey! Adam.
You have game? Sure.
I surpassed myself. This game...
...will be even bigger than the last one.
The world is mine.
Go run off a dozen copies. We have to test it.
Send it to some of our more dedicated game players
The president, the mayor...
...Chief of Police Rakov.
Can I get paid now?
Oh.
It's in the mail.
And so are you.
Oh, no. Not again.
So...
...did you get any of Lassard's team? No.
But you did get Lassard, yes?
No.
You bumbling nincompoops!
You call yourselves men?!
There must be someone we can call.
We haven't called the police.
[EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
[IMITATING EASTERN INSTRUMENTS]
[JOINTS CRACKING]
"To American policeski
Bolshoi Theatre, tonight.
Konali to buy stolen shipment of weapons.
You must stop him.
A friend."
CALLAHAN You know I don't speak Russian.
KONALI But, sweetheart, it's a ballet.
JONES Hey, who wants some nuts?! I got fresh nuts over here. Catch.
There you go, mister. No, it didn't reach you long enough.
Up, topside!
I gotcha! There you go, Mr. Benny!
WOMAN Ah! JONES Sorry, lady.
Who wants nuts? Right over here!
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING "SWAN LAKE"]
HARRIS Excuse me, babushka. I'm sorry. Excuse me, ma'am.
Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket.
You need a ticket. I'm an American police captain...
...on assignment. I don't need a ticket.
I'm sorry. You must have ticket. Don't you understand?
I have to arrest somebody in there.
You cannot arrest anyone without a ticket.
You think so? Well, we'll just see about that.
Excuse me. Make way. Make way.
Must be a replacement.
Captain Harris! Get out of here. HARRIS Tackleberry!
Now! HARRIS What are you doing here?
We've got to get off!
TACKLEBERRY Go!
Oh!
Tackleberry! Konali! Over here.
DANCER Go away! We gotta get out of here!
HARRIS It's Konali!
[BALLERINAS SCREAMING]
HARRIS Come on, before he sees us! Come on!
I saw Konali. Konali! I saw Konali!
That's Konali! Put me down! I know, sir! I know, sir!
Konali! I know!
Freeze!
You're under arrest.
MAN What are you doing? Arresting you.
His butt is mine! I'll arrest him!
For selling weapons to a known criminal.
[SCREAMING]
"Sunshine Kids."
We've been set up.
I am completely disgusted with you all.
I am glad my good friend, Commandant Lassard, knew nothing about this.
You are a disgrace to your uniforms...
...and an embarrassment to me.
Yuri, you know what to do. Do it.
[MAKING CRUNCHING SOUNDS]
Ever since he return from Moscow...
...I have been trying to capture Konali redhanded!
And now you cowboys waltz in and smash my work to pieces!
So now, if my police look at Konali wrong...
...Konali will scream harassment!
Americans...
...you are hereby ordered to leave Russia.
[WHISTLING]
You understand?
Get out!
[GROWLING]
By 300 tomorrow!
[WHIMPERING]
Or else!
And as for you...
JONES Sir? Wanna remind you the plane leaves at 300.
In the bathroom.
Sir?
[BELCHING]
Something about that sign disturbs me.
Mama.
What do you say we? I'm way ahead of you.
Sir?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
The other bag. The other Big bagski, big bag. Here, give it to me. Ow!
Jones! Get me up!
I have never been humiliated like this before!
So you've been humiliated other ways? Just shut up, Jones.
Oh, yes, sir. Connors!
I thought you weren't coming.
Didn't want my heart to be broken. Now it's too late.
Callahan! They got Callahan!
CALLAHAN Who the hell? Callahan!
Connors! HARRIS Let's go!
Don't worry about me! Take care of yourself!
HARRIS Go! Go! Go! Go!
[WHISTLES]
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Come on! Moveski, moveski, moveski! Go! Go! Start it up! Go!
Connors! Hang on, Connors!
[YELLING]
Shut up.
Sergeant, can't you go any faster? Make this thing go!
KATRINA He's going to get killed! Nobody on my team gets killed...
...and that's an order! CONNORS I'm gonna get killed!
Jeez!
Shake him off!
Whoa!
Tackleberry, give me your gun. Yes, sir!
This is a locator bullet. If we can hit the car with it, we can follow it anywhere.
TACKLEBERRY Yes, sir!
Sasha, just get me one clean shot.
Fire it, Tack. Fire it, let's go!
Tackleberry, do something right for a change. Hit that car!
Gotcha.
[SCREAMING]
[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]
My buddy! Help! HARRIS Russkies!
Russkies, in the motorcycle!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
HARRIS Don't you understand English? Faster!
MAN What is this, a rodeo? Come on!
CONNORS Get closer!
Connors!
Connors! You better be glad you weren't killed, because I've got a plan.
Hurry up. Move it, move it, move it!
It works.
Shamed. In front of my men! My peers!
My mommy! Sorry about that.
You. You will pay dearly for what you have done!
I know.
[SNORTING]
[GASPS]
You will marry me. Wow.
Nice getup. Thanks.
We're going to share everything. Okay.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Right in bull'seye!
I cannot believe your obstinacy! You could have had it all!
Instead you betray me? I am going to bury you!
Ooh! What? What? I'm busy!
The game is in the police station computer.
I'm in! Yes!
Now for the key. My secret code. Turn around.
Three, four, five. KONALI Yes.
Everything ready at the warehouse? Got to go, cupcake.
I get in touch with you later. See if you change your mind.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Ah!
MAN Shoot him.
Look, he left us play toy.
I really need this.
Tackleberry, crash the left window.
Jones, Connors, Katrina, the right window.
I'll go through the roof with the guys.
How about the door? Well, move it, move it, move it.
CALLAHAN Take that, perverts!
This next room has to be it. Crash through on the count of three.
One, two Freeze!
Did anyone hear me say "three"? I took care of it.
Where is he? He's gone.
Konali has left the building.
Some command let him break into the police computer system.
If he gets in, we can't stop him. His hacker was working on the game.
The key must be on it. CALLAHAN They're sending a shipment.
They're at the warehouse. Let's go.
Wait. Talinsky said if you're not on the 300 flight he'll arrest you.
She's right. Let's go anyway.
[SIREN WAILING]
JONES No problem. There, that's them! Go, go, go!
CALLAHAN It's Talinsky. Okay, it's a problem.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Good. Good.
In 48 hours, "The New Game" will be in stores worldwide.
HARRIS How we gonna park?
Sasha!
Let's go! Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it!
All right, listen up! Listen up! Jones, give me those handcuffs.
Now, remember I will arrest Konali. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Now, we attack on three. One, two
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Advertising spots will run consecutive days for the next three months.
And A.M. Moscow wants you for a guest spot.
Keep car running!
Where is master disk and passkey? It's back inside your safe.
In the restaurant office, as you requested.
KONALI Good.
Hey, Natasha.
I'll let you know if I need anything else. CONNORS You need a good attorney.
Konstantine Konali, I arrest you in the name of the law.
Stop. Everybody stop.
Put up gun! I have arrested Konali. He's my prisoner.
I will not be humiliated again like Bolshoi disaster.
I've seen this before.
I was playing with this in Rakov's office.
My lawyer's going to sue for malicious prosecution...
...intentional harassment and breaking a guy's heart.
You're not going to sue anybody, because I am sending you to jail.
Do you have proof? Proof? Proof.
Do we have proof? CALLAHAN Yes.
Lieutenant, it's right under your nose.
What's the number of the police computer?
KATRINA 2913855.
That's top security Type in "Konali."
JONES Come on, Connors. Keep trying. Try "Konstantine."
No. Wait. It was five letters.
I saw Konali type five letters.
CONNORS "Greed."
Type in "greed."
Classified information!
Konali hid a program in his computer game.
Nobody would know it was there. It allowed him access to the user's files.
It's like stealing candy from a baby.
Or topsecret information from a government.
I finally got you, Konali. Ha!
Captain Harris?
[SCREAMS]
CALLAHAN Oh, no.
A toast to my new Russian family.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[COUGHS]
Excuse me. I have to go to the boys' room.
Oh, excuse me.
I thought this was the bathroom. You!
Lassard. Why, yes.
I'm flattered you recognize me. I'm not sure where
You can't have me! I don't want you.
En garde! On what?
You have any last requests?
God! God! Sonny Bono!
LASSARD Upsydaisy!
Ahha!
You look familiar. Don't play with me, Lassard.
Was it Paris? No, not Paris.
Rome? Not Rome.
You think you can play me the fool?
Olé!
You'll never take me, Lassard!
Not Konstantine Konali!
Ah! I remember you now.
You're under arrest for crimes against Russia...
...and America and their citizens! Ha!
[APPLAUSE]
Do it!
Today... Today, today.
...we have shown... JONES We have shown, we have shown.
Hm.
...people everywhere... People everywhere
...that Americans and Russians are brothers.
I honor you and your team.
Would Commandant Lassard please join me at podium?
Comrade.
And now, as a special tribute to our American friends...
...I salute you all.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]