1 00:01:03,204 --> 00:01:07,106 Neil Diamond. Hot August night, 1972. 2 00:01:07,308 --> 00:01:12,211 That concert rocked and rolled. I know because I was there. 3 00:01:17,719 --> 00:01:19,084 That's me. 4 00:01:22,557 --> 00:01:23,717 My water broke. 5 00:01:23,925 --> 00:01:27,986 Eversince then, I've had this cosmic connection with Neil. 6 00:01:28,229 --> 00:01:30,026 But this story isn't about Neil. 7 00:01:30,231 --> 00:01:33,723 It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D. 8 00:01:34,235 --> 00:01:36,897 Best friends since fifth grade. 9 00:01:39,073 --> 00:01:42,770 That's J.D. He's lactose intolerant. 10 00:01:45,079 --> 00:01:46,910 And he's not very bright. 11 00:01:47,615 --> 00:01:49,640 That's Darren Silverman. 12 00:01:49,851 --> 00:01:51,409 He's a romantic. 13 00:01:51,619 --> 00:01:55,020 But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible. 14 00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,090 That's me, Wayne. 15 00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:06,260 I'm loyal to my friends. 16 00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:09,925 -I'd beat you up if you weren't a girl. -Me too. 17 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,304 After that, I started working out. 18 00:02:22,216 --> 00:02:25,014 We stayed best friends throughout high school. 19 00:02:25,219 --> 00:02:27,779 I was the third-string quarterback. 20 00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:31,790 J.D. became the school mascot. 21 00:02:32,627 --> 00:02:36,119 Hey, what did you say I didn't really motherfucking hearyou 22 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,060 Yeah, yeah you Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you 23 00:02:40,468 --> 00:02:43,335 And Darrenjoined the cheerleading squad. 24 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:48,808 Oh, that's Sandy. 25 00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:51,807 Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her. 26 00:02:52,814 --> 00:02:54,839 When you're up against a Warbird 27 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,277 You're upside down! 28 00:02:57,852 --> 00:02:59,444 Oh, that's Coach Norton. 29 00:02:59,654 --> 00:03:03,090 He was a big influence in ourlives. He taught us many things. 30 00:03:03,291 --> 00:03:05,657 Two things you got to remember, boys. 31 00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:09,591 Number one: Stay away from women. 32 00:03:09,797 --> 00:03:12,664 All they want from you is your man juice. 33 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,024 Now... 34 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:19,400 ...if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, use this. 35 00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:23,837 -Oh, number two.... -Sportsmanship. 36 00:03:24,045 --> 00:03:25,376 Sportsmanship. 37 00:03:25,713 --> 00:03:27,476 Sportsmanship. 38 00:03:30,451 --> 00:03:32,544 You fairy wimp fruit bag! 39 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,244 You suck! 40 00:03:37,158 --> 00:03:39,888 Le Fessier! Get out there! 41 00:03:40,495 --> 00:03:42,725 I'm just gonna get my helmet. 42 00:03:42,997 --> 00:03:45,488 Hey, guys! Guys, I'm in! 43 00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:48,595 -See, he's going in! -Oh, my God! 44 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,664 Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne! 45 00:03:52,874 --> 00:03:56,002 Blue 48! Blue 48! 46 00:03:56,210 --> 00:03:57,734 Go! Set! 47 00:03:57,945 --> 00:03:59,003 Hike! 48 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:10,015 But now we're all grown-up. 49 00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:22,292 J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway. 50 00:04:22,670 --> 00:04:24,968 Recently he was promoted... 51 00:04:25,173 --> 00:04:29,041 ...to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training. 52 00:04:29,243 --> 00:04:31,837 Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got. 53 00:04:32,046 --> 00:04:37,177 I've been working on them for 8 weeks. I present the future of Subway. 54 00:04:37,385 --> 00:04:38,647 Bellston... 55 00:04:39,053 --> 00:04:41,886 ...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what? 56 00:04:43,357 --> 00:04:46,554 -Big? -Like we practiced. You can do this. 57 00:04:46,761 --> 00:04:48,058 L.... 58 00:04:53,634 --> 00:04:55,124 Long! 59 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,327 Okay, we'll come back to you. 60 00:04:57,538 --> 00:05:00,268 This guy's my stinkiest student by far. 61 00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,271 Trimball, let's see your sub. 62 00:05:04,111 --> 00:05:06,705 No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside. 63 00:05:08,249 --> 00:05:10,080 Okay, take it away. 64 00:05:10,284 --> 00:05:12,047 Take it away! 65 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,287 Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé. 66 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:20,392 He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub. 67 00:05:21,329 --> 00:05:23,490 Heston, where's the party sub? 68 00:05:35,476 --> 00:05:38,536 Darren is a social director at a retirement home. 69 00:05:38,746 --> 00:05:39,735 B-17. 70 00:05:40,248 --> 00:05:41,510 Bingo. 71 00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:43,414 Bingo. 72 00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:45,178 Abe... 73 00:05:45,419 --> 00:05:48,616 ...pull your pants up or no more Matlock. 74 00:05:53,294 --> 00:05:54,727 I started my own business. 75 00:05:57,832 --> 00:05:59,561 What are we dealing with here? 76 00:06:00,201 --> 00:06:02,465 I don't know, but it sounds big. 77 00:06:04,171 --> 00:06:05,934 Stay back. I'm going in. 78 00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:13,202 Careful, sonny. 79 00:06:19,453 --> 00:06:21,751 So you're causing all this trouble, huh? 80 00:06:21,956 --> 00:06:22,945 Come here. 81 00:06:23,157 --> 00:06:25,785 Hey there. Hello. 82 00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:31,690 Here's the ferocious beast, huh? 83 00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:35,291 Hey, where's your mommy? 84 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,637 Get off! Get it off! 85 00:06:52,987 --> 00:06:54,545 Is it dead? 86 00:06:54,755 --> 00:06:55,881 No. 87 00:06:56,090 --> 00:06:58,888 But she is in one deep coon coma. 88 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:14,373 Stop it! 89 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:19,477 But we all have one mystical thing in common: Ourlove forNeil. 90 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,444 That's ourband, Diamonds in the Rough. 91 00:08:18,172 --> 00:08:19,662 Hey, I'm Darren. 92 00:08:19,907 --> 00:08:20,896 Sophie. 93 00:08:21,108 --> 00:08:23,702 Do you, maybe, want to grab a drink with me? 94 00:08:23,911 --> 00:08:26,209 I'm sorry. I'm involved. 95 00:08:26,414 --> 00:08:28,143 With a real entertainer. 96 00:08:37,591 --> 00:08:41,687 I can't believe I got blown off again. I'll never meet the right girl. 97 00:08:41,929 --> 00:08:44,420 You don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime. 98 00:08:44,632 --> 00:08:48,090 Dude, what does a mime look like when it's having sex anyway? 99 00:08:48,302 --> 00:08:49,769 It's probably like: 100 00:08:51,105 --> 00:08:54,506 "l'm a mime. I'm a mime." 101 00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,676 Hey, mimes don't talk. 102 00:08:58,779 --> 00:09:01,771 They do when they're off duty. 103 00:09:03,017 --> 00:09:06,111 It's not her. It's all women. 104 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,120 I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me. 105 00:09:10,324 --> 00:09:12,189 The only girl I ever loved... 106 00:09:12,393 --> 00:09:14,827 ...walked out of my life years ago. 107 00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:16,456 Sandy Perkus. 108 00:09:16,664 --> 00:09:18,131 -Rememberher? -Smile. 109 00:09:18,332 --> 00:09:20,197 Her family was with the circus. 110 00:09:20,468 --> 00:09:22,026 Her dad was The Strong Man. 111 00:09:22,236 --> 00:09:24,033 Hermom was The Bearded Lady. 112 00:09:24,238 --> 00:09:26,297 Herbrother was The Dog-faced Boy. 113 00:09:27,675 --> 00:09:31,475 Before I mustered the courage to ask her out, she moved away. 114 00:09:33,247 --> 00:09:34,976 You know, I truly believe... 115 00:09:35,182 --> 00:09:39,642 ...that there is a one and only someone for everyone. 116 00:09:39,987 --> 00:09:41,352 And Sandy... 117 00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,484 ...Sandy Perkus... 118 00:09:45,159 --> 00:09:47,059 ...was my one and only. 119 00:09:47,361 --> 00:09:50,353 Man, that is so romantic. 120 00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:52,861 Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass. 121 00:09:56,871 --> 00:09:58,429 What do you think of her? 122 00:09:59,039 --> 00:10:00,131 -Who? -Right there. 123 00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:01,705 In the red? 124 00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:05,403 -Yeah, she's gorgeous. -Go talk to her. 125 00:10:05,613 --> 00:10:07,342 -No. -Okay, I'll do it for you. 126 00:10:07,548 --> 00:10:09,038 What? Hey, wait. 127 00:10:11,385 --> 00:10:12,716 Hi. I'm Wayne. 128 00:10:13,053 --> 00:10:15,044 -No. -No, you don't understand. 129 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:16,820 I'm not hitting on you. 130 00:10:17,057 --> 00:10:18,046 Back off. 131 00:10:18,259 --> 00:10:21,251 I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren. 132 00:10:21,462 --> 00:10:23,191 He's smart, he's sensitive-- 133 00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:25,524 -I don't care. -He'd make a great husband. 134 00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:27,758 -I don't want to meet him. -Great. 135 00:10:31,071 --> 00:10:34,336 Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. 136 00:10:34,575 --> 00:10:36,133 -Really? -Yeah, she's like: 137 00:10:36,343 --> 00:10:39,005 "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything. 138 00:10:39,246 --> 00:10:40,713 -Are you sure? -Totally! 139 00:10:40,915 --> 00:10:42,906 Get down there and make your move. 140 00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:45,544 I don't know. 141 00:10:45,753 --> 00:10:46,742 Come on! 142 00:10:46,954 --> 00:10:49,286 -Carpe poon! -Really? 143 00:10:51,926 --> 00:10:54,793 -Okay, I'll do it. -All right! 144 00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:04,229 I'm Darren. 145 00:11:05,673 --> 00:11:10,610 Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me. 146 00:11:10,811 --> 00:11:11,971 He lied. 147 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,544 That's a good one. 148 00:11:15,349 --> 00:11:17,817 No, seriously. I don't want to meet you. 149 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:28,218 My friend must have been mistaken. 150 00:11:30,164 --> 00:11:32,564 I'm really sorry to bother you. 151 00:11:37,438 --> 00:11:38,871 Let me guess. 152 00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:43,043 That jerk tried to get into your pants with some tacky line. 153 00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:44,772 I'm not like that. 154 00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:46,445 I use magic. 155 00:11:47,214 --> 00:11:48,340 Beat it, baldy. 156 00:11:48,549 --> 00:11:51,313 Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that. 157 00:11:51,518 --> 00:11:53,509 I have here two... 158 00:11:53,721 --> 00:11:55,916 ...ordinary metal rings. 159 00:11:56,123 --> 00:11:58,057 You and me. 160 00:12:01,695 --> 00:12:02,684 I love you. 161 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,421 Sorry, I forgot my beer. 162 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:09,500 This is my boyfriend, Darren. So hit the bricks, porky. 163 00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:12,302 Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren. 164 00:12:12,506 --> 00:12:13,495 Satan. 165 00:12:17,878 --> 00:12:20,403 I'm sorry about hitting on you before-- 166 00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:22,377 -You should be. -I am. I am. 167 00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:25,484 I just, I wasn't thinking in.... 168 00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:29,550 You're so beautiful, and I.... 169 00:12:31,492 --> 00:12:32,481 I'm sorry. 170 00:12:33,427 --> 00:12:36,225 So make up for it. Buy me a drink. 171 00:12:37,097 --> 00:12:39,224 -Yeah. Okay. -I'll have a Scotch. 172 00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:42,300 Give the lady a Scotch, and I'll have another beer. 173 00:12:42,503 --> 00:12:45,563 -He'll have a gin and tonic. -Make that a gin and tonic. 174 00:12:49,109 --> 00:12:52,408 Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties? 175 00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,374 They're just having a drink together. 176 00:12:55,582 --> 00:12:59,143 It's not like they're going steady or anything. 177 00:13:02,122 --> 00:13:04,488 It's midnight. You know what that means? 178 00:13:04,692 --> 00:13:06,626 No. What? 179 00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,657 It's our six-week anniversary. 180 00:13:10,898 --> 00:13:13,093 -Did you get me anything? -No. 181 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,063 That's okay. That's okay. 182 00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:16,759 No big deal. But... 183 00:13:18,272 --> 00:13:19,705 ...I... 184 00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:22,705 ...got you a little something. 185 00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:26,209 Thanks. That's really nice. 186 00:13:32,119 --> 00:13:34,451 You know, I've been thinking. 187 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:39,621 We've been together for a while now... 188 00:13:39,827 --> 00:13:42,193 ...and it seems like maybe it's time... 189 00:13:43,831 --> 00:13:47,494 ...we get a little more intimate. 190 00:13:48,802 --> 00:13:51,032 Are you saying you want to have sex? 191 00:13:52,973 --> 00:13:54,463 Yeah, I am. 192 00:13:54,675 --> 00:13:58,634 I don't believe in premarital sex. I'd rather not cheapen what we have. 193 00:13:58,846 --> 00:14:02,111 Of course. Of course not. Me neither. 194 00:14:02,316 --> 00:14:04,307 -So it's best to wait. -You're right. 195 00:14:04,518 --> 00:14:07,885 I think-- I mean, you're-- It's best. 196 00:14:08,922 --> 00:14:10,150 But... 197 00:14:10,591 --> 00:14:12,923 ...that doesn't mean that we can't... 198 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,988 ...pleasure each other in other ways. 199 00:14:22,102 --> 00:14:23,626 I got you. 200 00:14:23,837 --> 00:14:25,395 Oh, I got you. 201 00:14:37,317 --> 00:14:39,478 That was really great. 202 00:14:39,820 --> 00:14:41,048 Thanks. 203 00:14:43,357 --> 00:14:45,757 That got me pretty excited. 204 00:14:47,327 --> 00:14:48,919 That's nice. 205 00:14:49,129 --> 00:14:53,725 I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me. 206 00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:57,035 Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you. 207 00:14:59,473 --> 00:15:01,532 I would love to, but I can't. 208 00:15:01,742 --> 00:15:04,438 I have very, very sensitive gums. 209 00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:10,311 You have gums-- It's a medical condition. 210 00:15:11,385 --> 00:15:14,616 I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No. 211 00:15:15,155 --> 00:15:16,713 You're so sweet. 212 00:15:22,029 --> 00:15:26,898 You know, there are other ways to give me pleasure without using your mouth. 213 00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:30,260 Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry. 214 00:15:30,504 --> 00:15:33,735 No, that's fine. That's fine. 215 00:15:38,545 --> 00:15:40,035 Have fun. 216 00:15:44,218 --> 00:15:46,880 -Watch your head. -This place is a dump. 217 00:15:48,088 --> 00:15:50,283 I really don't want to do this. 218 00:15:51,258 --> 00:15:56,059 It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual and I want you to be part of it. 219 00:15:56,263 --> 00:16:00,393 I want you to get to know these guys. You'll love them, honey. 220 00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:06,005 -Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude? -What's up, J.D.? 221 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,175 Judy, awesome to meet you. 222 00:16:09,409 --> 00:16:10,637 Judith. 223 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:13,904 Judith. And a beer bong for the lady? 224 00:16:14,248 --> 00:16:16,045 -No. -Totally cool. 225 00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,445 No peer pressure. 226 00:16:24,625 --> 00:16:28,083 Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in. 227 00:16:29,129 --> 00:16:30,528 Check it out. Chewie. 228 00:16:32,332 --> 00:16:33,697 You want a drink? 229 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,101 -Scotch on the rocks. -You want ice? 230 00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:38,271 I'll help you with that. 231 00:16:39,439 --> 00:16:41,964 Hey, Judith. Can I give you the grand tour? 232 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,478 Let's start right here in the "Hall o' Neil." 233 00:16:45,779 --> 00:16:49,647 This is Neil, '74. Check this out. 234 00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:53,886 This is a set list from the Millennium Concert. Look: 235 00:16:54,121 --> 00:16:56,453 Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay. 236 00:16:57,291 --> 00:16:58,781 Looks like a Xerox. 237 00:16:58,992 --> 00:17:02,393 No. This cost a lot of money. Check this out. 238 00:17:02,629 --> 00:17:05,063 -I think you got taken. -Ready? 239 00:17:05,299 --> 00:17:06,698 This shirt... 240 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,663 ...was worn by Neil... 241 00:17:10,037 --> 00:17:11,698 ...in concert. 242 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:14,305 Check it out. We snuck backstage... 243 00:17:14,508 --> 00:17:18,069 ...and totally stole it from him while he was taking a whiz. 244 00:17:18,278 --> 00:17:21,270 In my profession, we call your obsession with Neil... 245 00:17:21,481 --> 00:17:23,813 ...a delusional projection fantasy. 246 00:17:24,017 --> 00:17:28,647 Yeah, sure. But he's America's greatest songwriter and he's our hero. 247 00:17:28,855 --> 00:17:31,449 And he's playing the Forum in two weeks. 248 00:17:31,658 --> 00:17:36,220 Of course, we can't go because of the whole restraining order thing. 249 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,835 Neil, I love you! 250 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,096 You again! 251 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,308 Neil! Where are you going? 252 00:17:54,514 --> 00:17:58,450 I want to party with you. I want to party with you! 253 00:18:00,354 --> 00:18:00,420 Game's on. 254 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:01,682 Game's on. 255 00:18:04,725 --> 00:18:06,590 -Give me the remote. -I want to go. 256 00:18:06,793 --> 00:18:08,727 -Give me a beer. -We just got here. 257 00:18:08,929 --> 00:18:10,419 These guys are pigs. 258 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,031 Come on. No, they're not that-- 259 00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:15,966 Hey! What are you doing? 260 00:18:16,203 --> 00:18:20,435 Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho. 261 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:25,203 Okay, look. Why don't we just stay for a little bit, okay? 262 00:18:26,079 --> 00:18:28,172 Oh, take mine. Take mine. 263 00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:30,178 Give her the old sweep-a-roo. 264 00:18:30,384 --> 00:18:33,683 Old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together. 265 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,217 Enjoy. 266 00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:39,057 I'll help you. She has multiple reclining positions. 267 00:18:39,259 --> 00:18:41,227 -I can sit forward. -It's stuck. 268 00:18:41,895 --> 00:18:43,829 -It's fine. -Takes a little muscle. 269 00:18:44,064 --> 00:18:46,692 Come on, you fucking piece of shit. 270 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,061 -I don't need-- -It's no trouble. 271 00:18:50,737 --> 00:18:51,704 Are you okay? 272 00:18:51,905 --> 00:18:54,669 I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens. 273 00:18:54,908 --> 00:18:57,172 You know what? I think I-- Yep. 274 00:18:57,411 --> 00:19:00,346 It's the lug nut. Fixed it. Please have a seat. 275 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,815 I'll stand. 276 00:19:03,583 --> 00:19:04,845 I'm a-- 277 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:10,020 -Sorry. -Get me something. 278 00:19:13,627 --> 00:19:17,085 So Darren tells me you're a psychologist. 279 00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:19,992 -That's right. -Interesting. 280 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,758 I'm in a related field. 281 00:19:22,102 --> 00:19:23,433 Really? What's that? 282 00:19:23,737 --> 00:19:25,432 Pest and rodent removal. 283 00:19:25,939 --> 00:19:27,839 How is that related? 284 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:29,804 We both help people. 285 00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:33,173 While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs... 286 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,713 ...I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish.... 287 00:19:36,950 --> 00:19:38,144 He launched it. 288 00:19:38,885 --> 00:19:40,182 Touchdown! 289 00:19:51,798 --> 00:19:55,199 I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren! 290 00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:57,131 But they're my best friends. 291 00:19:57,370 --> 00:20:01,534 You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band. 292 00:20:01,875 --> 00:20:06,175 I know you're upset. I do. But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D... 293 00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:08,506 ...and I'm not quitting the band. 294 00:20:09,049 --> 00:20:11,210 Okay, fine. No more sex. 295 00:20:11,618 --> 00:20:12,550 What? 296 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,744 You're not allowed to go down on me for one month. 297 00:20:14,955 --> 00:20:16,013 No, Judith, please-- 298 00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:19,852 Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges. 299 00:20:41,548 --> 00:20:45,507 You go, boys. You sing this song. You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it! 300 00:20:45,719 --> 00:20:48,187 -Sing it! -This blows, man. 301 00:20:49,990 --> 00:20:52,584 Judith's out of control. We gotta do something. 302 00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,853 Besides ruining the band, what else has she done? 303 00:20:56,062 --> 00:20:59,498 Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life. 304 00:20:59,699 --> 00:21:02,930 She didn't like his ass. Made him get butt-cheek implants. 305 00:21:08,074 --> 00:21:10,634 I thought his ass looked tighter. 306 00:21:10,877 --> 00:21:12,640 Check this out. Last night... 307 00:21:13,213 --> 00:21:15,545 ...torched his Neil Diamond albums. 308 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,309 She torched Neil? 309 00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,522 You're right. She's a monster. 310 00:21:25,725 --> 00:21:27,625 Two, three, four. 311 00:21:45,979 --> 00:21:47,537 -Hey! -Yes! 312 00:21:47,747 --> 00:21:50,113 -Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. -It's all right. 313 00:21:50,317 --> 00:21:53,081 I only have a minute. I have to wax Judith's legs. 314 00:21:53,286 --> 00:21:55,754 -We miss you. -We never see you anymore. 315 00:21:55,956 --> 00:21:57,389 I know, I'm sorry... 316 00:21:57,591 --> 00:22:00,924 ...but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith. 317 00:22:01,127 --> 00:22:03,357 Plus, my relationship counseling sessions-- 318 00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:04,655 Counseling? 319 00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:07,732 Yeah. I go two hours, three times a week. 320 00:22:07,934 --> 00:22:09,663 Oh. Who's your counselor? 321 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:10,894 Judith. 322 00:22:11,104 --> 00:22:13,334 We don't think she's right for you. 323 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,030 Break up with her. 324 00:22:15,275 --> 00:22:17,800 She's ruining our lives and yours. 325 00:22:18,011 --> 00:22:20,104 This graph should illustrate our point. 326 00:22:20,313 --> 00:22:24,716 Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high: 93. 327 00:22:24,951 --> 00:22:26,714 It is now an eight. 328 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,013 Band numbers have plunged dramatically. 329 00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:33,921 Girls, never very high, at nine. But look now. Two! 330 00:22:34,127 --> 00:22:36,220 This has led to increased wanking off. 331 00:22:36,463 --> 00:22:37,953 I'm chafing. 332 00:22:39,299 --> 00:22:41,426 Shit, I gotta go home and heat the wax. 333 00:22:41,635 --> 00:22:45,332 Guys, listen. Thanks for your concern, really. 334 00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:49,304 I miss you too. But it was great seeing you, all right? 335 00:22:55,982 --> 00:22:58,314 That guy's in serious trouble. 336 00:22:59,152 --> 00:23:01,120 We need to save him. 337 00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:04,856 Sorry to bother you. 338 00:23:05,058 --> 00:23:06,650 What are you doing here? 339 00:23:07,327 --> 00:23:09,591 We want to apologize for the beer shower. 340 00:23:09,829 --> 00:23:11,763 And the salsa bath. That was bad. 341 00:23:11,998 --> 00:23:15,229 -Get the hell out of here. -Just give us a minute, okay? 342 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,460 My rate is $200 an hour. 343 00:23:18,338 --> 00:23:19,999 Do you have any money? 344 00:23:20,674 --> 00:23:22,164 I got some of that. 345 00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,241 Just give me the big bills. 346 00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:28,805 Six. Is that all you have? 347 00:23:29,015 --> 00:23:30,846 Thirty. $7.38. 348 00:23:34,554 --> 00:23:36,215 Two and a half minutes. 349 00:23:36,923 --> 00:23:40,825 We don't want you seeing Darren. We don't think you're right for him. 350 00:23:41,027 --> 00:23:42,221 The band needs him. 351 00:23:42,429 --> 00:23:45,660 -But we're prepared to buy you off. -With what? 352 00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:48,934 My house. 353 00:23:49,202 --> 00:23:50,760 Okay? Look. 354 00:23:51,905 --> 00:23:56,001 My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard. 355 00:23:56,576 --> 00:23:57,873 There's my mom... 356 00:23:58,078 --> 00:24:00,546 ...there's my dad and there's me. 357 00:24:01,214 --> 00:24:04,775 My dad was dropping me on my head. But... 358 00:24:05,285 --> 00:24:08,777 ...we're willing to sign this over to you... 359 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:11,549 ...if you just agree not to see Darren. 360 00:24:11,758 --> 00:24:14,420 I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma. 361 00:24:15,095 --> 00:24:17,791 I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much... 362 00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,431 ...but he's hung like a horse. 363 00:24:19,632 --> 00:24:20,929 It's true. 364 00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:24,330 Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it. 365 00:24:24,537 --> 00:24:28,234 I own him. He does whatever I say. I'm in complete control of him. 366 00:24:28,441 --> 00:24:31,308 He's my puppet and I'm his puppet master. 367 00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:33,206 You're not taking Darren away! 368 00:24:33,413 --> 00:24:34,505 Just try to stop me. 369 00:24:37,050 --> 00:24:38,745 One round, winner takes Darren. 370 00:24:38,952 --> 00:24:40,044 -You're on. -Kick her ass. 371 00:24:40,253 --> 00:24:41,345 Go. 372 00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:45,847 You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator. 373 00:24:46,059 --> 00:24:48,721 My guess is three times a day? 374 00:24:48,928 --> 00:24:50,919 I bet you're a premature ejaculator. 375 00:24:51,131 --> 00:24:52,962 You start off with a big bang. 376 00:24:53,166 --> 00:24:55,498 Before you know it, you're limp. 377 00:24:55,935 --> 00:24:59,166 -I win, you lose. Now get out. -God! 378 00:25:09,115 --> 00:25:10,548 Hey, check it out. 379 00:25:14,387 --> 00:25:15,786 Hey, baby. 380 00:25:16,022 --> 00:25:18,388 Hello, ladies. 381 00:25:19,025 --> 00:25:20,356 So how much? 382 00:25:20,894 --> 00:25:24,352 Fifty bucks for you, and 200 for your friend. 383 00:25:26,499 --> 00:25:28,160 -Okay. -All right. 384 00:25:28,835 --> 00:25:31,531 I want you to laugh like he just said something. 385 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,964 Perfect! 386 00:25:35,308 --> 00:25:38,505 Get this one. Be like this. Like this. 387 00:25:38,711 --> 00:25:39,575 Douche, douche. 388 00:25:39,946 --> 00:25:42,005 Yeah, you. Slap his ass. 389 00:25:44,651 --> 00:25:46,642 That's not sexy. 390 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:57,757 Watch it. 391 00:26:00,366 --> 00:26:02,163 You're moving my guy! 392 00:26:08,541 --> 00:26:10,475 Lookit. Lookit. 393 00:26:15,348 --> 00:26:16,576 Good. 394 00:26:19,586 --> 00:26:21,110 -Awesome. -Check this out. 395 00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:28,124 Mail, check. Go. Don't look back. 396 00:26:29,295 --> 00:26:30,284 Hurry up. Come on. 397 00:26:31,598 --> 00:26:33,293 Hi, Judith. How's it going? 398 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:36,663 Not so good. Look at these. 399 00:26:39,205 --> 00:26:40,536 Oh, my God. 400 00:26:42,575 --> 00:26:43,803 He's sick. 401 00:26:44,010 --> 00:26:44,874 He's perverted. 402 00:26:45,078 --> 00:26:48,241 -He's cheating on you. -With two chicks. 403 00:26:48,448 --> 00:26:50,678 I don't know. I guess I'd dump him? 404 00:26:50,884 --> 00:26:52,875 -Oh, totally. -Right? 405 00:26:53,419 --> 00:26:57,219 Do you guys notice anything weird about these photos? 406 00:26:57,457 --> 00:26:59,618 No, that's Darren, all right. 407 00:27:02,328 --> 00:27:04,728 Darren doesn't have a tattoo. 408 00:27:06,733 --> 00:27:07,859 Nice try, idiots. 409 00:27:08,468 --> 00:27:10,959 If I ever see you near Darren again... 410 00:27:11,404 --> 00:27:12,803 ...I'll kill you. 411 00:27:24,484 --> 00:27:28,944 Thanks for meeting me here. I have something important to say. 412 00:27:29,155 --> 00:27:31,089 Oh, man. You broke up? 413 00:27:31,324 --> 00:27:32,621 No. 414 00:27:33,826 --> 00:27:37,922 Out of the blue, Judith proposed to me. We're engaged. 415 00:27:38,164 --> 00:27:41,190 -What? -Dude, congratulations. 416 00:27:42,335 --> 00:27:45,463 Starting next week, I'll be Mr. Darren Fessbeggler. 417 00:27:45,672 --> 00:27:49,039 Right, because you're gonna take her last name, huh? 418 00:27:49,242 --> 00:27:50,266 Yeah, well... 419 00:27:50,510 --> 00:27:54,002 ...Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here... 420 00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:57,479 ...that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name. 421 00:27:58,685 --> 00:28:00,744 Anyway, it's too late to change it. 422 00:28:00,954 --> 00:28:03,855 We've already ordered the monogrammed towels. 423 00:28:04,357 --> 00:28:05,790 Darren. 424 00:28:06,125 --> 00:28:07,422 Sandy? 425 00:28:07,627 --> 00:28:08,924 Sandy Perkus. 426 00:28:09,128 --> 00:28:12,359 Oh, my God, Darren. It's been so long. 427 00:28:12,565 --> 00:28:13,964 Yeah, it has. 428 00:28:15,235 --> 00:28:16,259 Hey, it's Wayne. 429 00:28:16,469 --> 00:28:19,029 High school, remember? You remember? 430 00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:29,109 Right! The senior talent show. 431 00:28:29,315 --> 00:28:32,216 Yeah, you were booed off the stage. 432 00:28:33,453 --> 00:28:34,818 That was me. 433 00:28:35,054 --> 00:28:37,352 Yep. Sandy, remember me? J.D. McNugent? 434 00:28:38,057 --> 00:28:39,786 I went to the prom... 435 00:28:39,993 --> 00:28:43,019 ...with a tuxedo painted on my naked body. 436 00:28:43,229 --> 00:28:45,288 Oh, I guess I missed it. 437 00:28:45,665 --> 00:28:50,068 I spilled a drink and the paint ran and everyone could see my dong. 438 00:28:50,436 --> 00:28:52,904 It doesn't ring a bell. 439 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,869 Remember, in science, I was lighting farts with the Bunsen burner... 440 00:28:58,077 --> 00:29:00,341 ...and I singed my ball sac? 441 00:29:01,914 --> 00:29:02,972 No. 442 00:29:03,249 --> 00:29:06,878 Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut. 443 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,844 Sucks. 444 00:29:10,256 --> 00:29:12,190 So how are you? 445 00:29:12,425 --> 00:29:15,155 Great. Great. I just moved back to town. 446 00:29:15,361 --> 00:29:16,988 Oh, wow, that's great. 447 00:29:17,764 --> 00:29:21,666 Gosh, you know, I have to go, but it was great seeing you. 448 00:29:21,868 --> 00:29:24,462 Yeah, same here. Me too. 449 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,439 -See you. -Take care. 450 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:29,767 -Okay, bye. -Awesome. 451 00:29:29,976 --> 00:29:32,376 Yeah, bye. Bye. 452 00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,012 Oh, my God. 453 00:29:36,215 --> 00:29:37,739 -This is it! -What? 454 00:29:37,950 --> 00:29:42,114 It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life. 455 00:29:42,622 --> 00:29:46,023 You even said so yourself. She was your one and only someone! 456 00:29:46,225 --> 00:29:49,456 She used to be. Now Judith is my one and only someone. 457 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:52,631 I'll talk to you guys later. Okay? 458 00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,302 Isn't "one and only" like, one... 459 00:29:57,704 --> 00:29:59,137 ...and only? 460 00:30:06,245 --> 00:30:08,839 -Here's your drink. -Where's the lemon wedge? 461 00:30:09,048 --> 00:30:11,539 We're out of lemons, but I'll run to the store-- 462 00:30:11,751 --> 00:30:14,743 Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people. 463 00:30:15,555 --> 00:30:18,319 Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA. 464 00:30:18,524 --> 00:30:20,992 Wow, that is exciting. 465 00:30:21,194 --> 00:30:22,821 This is my fiancé, Darren. 466 00:30:23,029 --> 00:30:24,428 -Pleased to meet you. -Same. 467 00:30:24,630 --> 00:30:26,359 -Congratulations. -Thank you. 468 00:30:26,566 --> 00:30:27,863 Excuse me, I'll get it. 469 00:30:34,507 --> 00:30:38,204 Is Darren here? I think he left his Vespa helmet. 470 00:30:38,411 --> 00:30:39,400 What's going on? 471 00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:41,813 We're having our engagement party. 472 00:30:42,014 --> 00:30:46,747 Oh, then I guess our invitations must've been lost in the mail. 473 00:30:46,953 --> 00:30:48,545 No. 474 00:30:48,788 --> 00:30:52,485 I think it's very possible she didn't even send us invitations. 475 00:30:54,327 --> 00:30:56,955 -Thanks for stopping by. -Who's Darren talking to? 476 00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:59,365 Those are his new friends. 477 00:31:02,502 --> 00:31:04,595 -I'll have a merlot. -A spritzer. 478 00:31:05,304 --> 00:31:08,205 -We don't work here. -You fooled me. 479 00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:11,070 -My name's Brett, this is Clayton. -This is Darren. 480 00:31:11,277 --> 00:31:14,212 Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton. 481 00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:18,043 -Darren's our friend, Brett. -We knew him first. 482 00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:20,082 Fuck you, replacement friend! 483 00:31:20,286 --> 00:31:22,914 Eat this, fake Wayne! 484 00:31:26,993 --> 00:31:28,551 Stop it! Do something! 485 00:31:35,301 --> 00:31:36,325 Get out of here! 486 00:31:43,743 --> 00:31:45,267 Hey, this isn't over yet! 487 00:31:45,478 --> 00:31:47,241 We're not giving up on Darren! 488 00:31:55,021 --> 00:31:57,387 She thinks this gig is over. 489 00:31:57,590 --> 00:31:59,353 It's not over. No! 490 00:31:59,592 --> 00:32:02,925 But we are taking this into overtime! 491 00:32:03,963 --> 00:32:05,988 Yeah! Okay, strategy session. 492 00:32:06,499 --> 00:32:09,662 -Okay, our enemy is wicked. -Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. 493 00:32:09,869 --> 00:32:11,632 -No, Damien. -Dude, she's Vader. 494 00:32:11,838 --> 00:32:13,567 No, she is the Emperor! 495 00:32:13,773 --> 00:32:15,263 But with really great tits. 496 00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,842 Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl. 497 00:32:19,045 --> 00:32:20,945 -She's a sweetheart. -Dude, a saint. 498 00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:22,444 -A goddess. -A princess. 499 00:32:22,648 --> 00:32:25,481 You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa. 500 00:32:25,685 --> 00:32:27,243 But with way better tits. 501 00:32:27,453 --> 00:32:30,911 And Darren loves Sandy no matter what he says. 502 00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:32,090 Definitely. 503 00:32:32,291 --> 00:32:35,260 That's why we have to intervene and fix the problem! 504 00:32:35,461 --> 00:32:37,486 -Definitely! -All right! 505 00:32:38,297 --> 00:32:41,892 We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy. 506 00:32:44,637 --> 00:32:45,797 What? 507 00:32:51,644 --> 00:32:54,044 The bat is leaving the cave. 508 00:32:54,814 --> 00:32:56,748 Roger that. 509 00:33:13,733 --> 00:33:17,328 Alarm system has been deactivated. Out. 510 00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:19,004 Roger that. 511 00:33:19,906 --> 00:33:21,703 Dude, you don't have to do the-- 512 00:33:21,908 --> 00:33:24,502 --sound. It already does that. Out. 513 00:33:24,710 --> 00:33:26,701 Copy that. I'm not going to make the-- 514 00:33:26,913 --> 00:33:29,677 --sound after I say stuff from now on. 515 00:33:31,050 --> 00:33:32,176 Shady McNugent... 516 00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,682 ...over and out. 517 00:33:34,687 --> 00:33:36,450 That was the last one. 518 00:33:47,700 --> 00:33:50,760 -I'm scared. What if we get caught? -Not gonna happen. 519 00:33:57,076 --> 00:33:58,703 I'm hungry. 520 00:33:59,312 --> 00:34:00,677 We'll eat later. 521 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,577 -Can we go to Happy Burger? -Yes, after the kidnapping. 522 00:34:04,784 --> 00:34:07,082 I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with-- 523 00:34:08,955 --> 00:34:10,547 With cheese. 524 00:34:26,906 --> 00:34:28,339 What? 525 00:34:36,849 --> 00:34:41,115 You go downstairs and I'll check upstairs. Do the Navy SEAL signals. 526 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:44,255 I only know the Air Force signals. 527 00:34:44,890 --> 00:34:46,482 I'll be on the lookout. 528 00:34:46,759 --> 00:34:47,987 God! 529 00:34:55,935 --> 00:34:58,768 -I haven't located heryet. -Me neither. 530 00:34:59,405 --> 00:35:00,531 Keep checking. 531 00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:05,372 Wait a second. I think I see something in the back of the refrig-- 532 00:35:06,045 --> 00:35:07,603 In the back of the closet. 533 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,308 Check it out. 534 00:35:09,782 --> 00:35:11,943 Nope. Coast is clear. 535 00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:16,588 I'll keep looking down here, buddy. You keep an eye peeled up there. 536 00:35:33,939 --> 00:35:34,997 Oh, shit. 537 00:35:36,842 --> 00:35:37,831 What is it? 538 00:35:38,077 --> 00:35:40,739 I'm hit. I need backup. 539 00:35:41,681 --> 00:35:42,875 I'm coming. 540 00:35:46,318 --> 00:35:47,546 What happ-- 541 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:15,707 Help! 542 00:36:31,864 --> 00:36:33,798 Dead leg. 543 00:36:36,035 --> 00:36:37,866 Help me, Wayne. 544 00:36:44,677 --> 00:36:46,144 Oh, my God. 545 00:36:59,325 --> 00:37:02,522 Get the door. Get the door. Door. 546 00:37:33,526 --> 00:37:36,120 Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done. 547 00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:38,521 Don't call, write, e-mail or fax. 548 00:37:38,731 --> 00:37:41,859 I never want to see your face oryour fake butt again. 549 00:38:13,265 --> 00:38:14,425 Okay, get down there. 550 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:16,968 Dude, wait. Why me? 551 00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:21,071 Because you're guarding Judith. I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy. 552 00:38:21,273 --> 00:38:24,333 But when we let her go, she'll be able to identify me. 553 00:38:24,577 --> 00:38:28,274 No. She won't be able to because you'll be wearing this. 554 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,507 But after we let her go, the cops will look for a guy dressed as a bird. 555 00:38:32,751 --> 00:38:34,981 -So? -So, what am I gonna wear to work? 556 00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:36,381 Your work clothes. 557 00:38:36,589 --> 00:38:38,648 But tomorrow's casual Friday. 558 00:38:39,191 --> 00:38:41,421 Get downstairs! 559 00:38:48,067 --> 00:38:49,364 Who the hell are you? 560 00:39:09,655 --> 00:39:12,453 Thanks for meeting me. I called you out of the blue-- 561 00:39:12,658 --> 00:39:16,617 That's okay. I love catching up with old high school friends. 562 00:39:16,829 --> 00:39:18,660 -Are you single? -Yes. 563 00:39:18,864 --> 00:39:22,994 Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman. 564 00:39:23,202 --> 00:39:24,601 He's a really good guy. 565 00:39:24,837 --> 00:39:27,704 You know what? He works with the elderly. 566 00:39:27,907 --> 00:39:29,169 Really? 567 00:39:29,508 --> 00:39:32,739 -That is so sweet. -He still talks about you. 568 00:39:32,945 --> 00:39:33,934 There's something-- 569 00:39:34,179 --> 00:39:37,740 He even writes poems about you. In fact... 570 00:39:38,250 --> 00:39:39,512 ...I think he loves you. 571 00:39:40,019 --> 00:39:42,419 Wayne, I'm gonna become a nun. 572 00:39:44,790 --> 00:39:46,985 In a week, I take my final vows. 573 00:39:47,192 --> 00:39:50,593 I didn't even know that you were religious. 574 00:39:50,796 --> 00:39:52,423 I wasn't in high school. 575 00:39:52,631 --> 00:39:56,397 But after I graduated, I joined my parents in the circus. 576 00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:58,263 And I became a trapeze artist. 577 00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:02,907 I fell in love with mypartner, Luigi Panini. 578 00:40:03,108 --> 00:40:07,067 Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi! 579 00:40:07,313 --> 00:40:10,043 And everything was perfect until.... 580 00:40:10,249 --> 00:40:12,444 Talent scouts were in the audience. 581 00:40:12,751 --> 00:40:14,776 Luigi wanted to impress them. 582 00:40:14,987 --> 00:40:18,286 He was a great trapeze artist, but he was completely vain. 583 00:40:18,490 --> 00:40:21,357 And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt... 584 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,187 ...in the history of trapeze... 585 00:40:23,395 --> 00:40:26,057 ...the Quadruple Bierman. 586 00:40:41,780 --> 00:40:43,771 Luigi! 587 00:40:46,085 --> 00:40:48,144 -Wow. -Yeah. 588 00:40:48,354 --> 00:40:52,484 After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again. 589 00:40:52,691 --> 00:40:57,355 That's when I decided to devote my life to serving God and helping others. 590 00:40:57,596 --> 00:41:01,498 So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right? 591 00:41:01,934 --> 00:41:06,701 -Right. -So technically, you're not a nun yet. 592 00:41:06,939 --> 00:41:09,305 Well, no. I mean, not yet. 593 00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:12,272 So why not then just have lunch with Darren? 594 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,841 I can't figure out why Judith left. 595 00:41:17,049 --> 00:41:20,507 It doesn't make any sense. She didn't even take her clothes. 596 00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,587 Maybe she went where she didn't need clothes: a nudist colony. 597 00:41:24,790 --> 00:41:27,156 -I don't think so. -Maybe she got kidnapped. 598 00:41:27,693 --> 00:41:29,558 -You think? -No. 599 00:41:29,795 --> 00:41:31,888 Definitely not. That's impossible. 600 00:41:32,131 --> 00:41:35,396 It's like, why would that happen in a world? 601 00:41:35,768 --> 00:41:37,429 Maybe she's a lesbo. 602 00:41:37,903 --> 00:41:38,801 Come on. 603 00:41:39,004 --> 00:41:41,097 Maybe she's a herm. 604 00:41:42,474 --> 00:41:44,465 -What? -A hermaphrodite. 605 00:41:44,676 --> 00:41:46,701 Little dick, little puss. 606 00:41:50,449 --> 00:41:52,747 -Guess who I bumped into today. -Who? 607 00:41:52,951 --> 00:41:56,478 Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you. 608 00:41:56,688 --> 00:41:59,521 -I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne. -She dumped you, dude. 609 00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:02,694 Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt? 610 00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:05,455 No way. Judith's coming back. 611 00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:07,396 What if she doesn't? 612 00:42:07,633 --> 00:42:10,625 As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her. 613 00:42:10,836 --> 00:42:12,463 Okay? Okay? 614 00:42:17,876 --> 00:42:20,902 I got it. Crowbar me. 615 00:42:24,049 --> 00:42:25,141 Oh, my God. 616 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,716 -What is it? -This dead chick is really stacked. 617 00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:35,583 Okay, go, go. Go. 618 00:42:37,096 --> 00:42:39,064 -What are you doing? -Jacket's caught. 619 00:42:39,264 --> 00:42:40,424 Take it off! 620 00:42:40,666 --> 00:42:42,258 I love this jacket! 621 00:42:43,001 --> 00:42:43,990 Lose it! 622 00:43:01,019 --> 00:43:05,012 Damn! That was my favorite jacket. 623 00:43:08,927 --> 00:43:11,953 In a bizarre incident last night, Judith Fessbeggler... 624 00:43:12,164 --> 00:43:14,962 ...was incinerated beyond recognition when herBMW... 625 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:16,929 ...careened offa cliff. 626 00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:21,539 Investigators have declared it an accident. No foul play is suspected. 627 00:43:23,542 --> 00:43:26,978 In unrelated news, the body of deceased local Joan Snerd... 628 00:43:27,212 --> 00:43:31,808 ...was dug up in a grave robbing last night. Police arrested three Cubans. 629 00:43:43,328 --> 00:43:46,456 -Why are you doing this? -So you can eat and have clothes. 630 00:43:47,432 --> 00:43:49,161 No, why did you kidnap me? 631 00:43:49,401 --> 00:43:51,232 I'm not supposed to tell you. 632 00:43:51,503 --> 00:43:54,233 Oh, I get it. The other guy's the boss. 633 00:43:55,807 --> 00:43:58,674 No, I make decisions too. 634 00:43:59,011 --> 00:44:00,740 I suggested that. 635 00:44:01,313 --> 00:44:02,712 An outhouse. Clever. 636 00:44:02,915 --> 00:44:03,882 Thanks. 637 00:44:04,082 --> 00:44:06,710 -You must be very well-educated. -I suppose. 638 00:44:06,919 --> 00:44:08,910 -Ivy League? -More or less. 639 00:44:09,121 --> 00:44:12,181 -Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton? -S.U. 640 00:44:12,424 --> 00:44:13,857 Oh, Stanford University? 641 00:44:16,128 --> 00:44:18,119 Subway University. 642 00:44:18,330 --> 00:44:22,266 I knew someone who went there. Did you know J.D. McNugent? 643 00:44:22,467 --> 00:44:26,335 No. No. Never heard of such a person, ever. 644 00:44:27,873 --> 00:44:30,865 -See you later, J.D. -Take it easy, Judith. 645 00:44:32,778 --> 00:44:34,405 Goddamn it! 646 00:44:34,613 --> 00:44:38,014 -She knows who we are?! -There was nothing I could do. 647 00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:41,744 She used her super-intellect on me. She's like Hannibal Lecter. 648 00:44:41,954 --> 00:44:45,788 -Great. Now we can't let her go. -So, what are we going to do? 649 00:44:47,326 --> 00:44:48,588 -Coach. -Coach! 650 00:44:48,794 --> 00:44:51,422 If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback... 651 00:44:51,630 --> 00:44:54,622 ...and the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had. 652 00:44:54,833 --> 00:44:56,698 Lookit, he's still got it! 653 00:44:58,036 --> 00:45:01,528 It's good seeing you boys. Thank you for coming to my trial. 654 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:05,141 No problem. We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf. 655 00:45:05,344 --> 00:45:07,972 That ref blew. He deserved what he got. 656 00:45:11,850 --> 00:45:13,147 Touchdown! 657 00:45:13,518 --> 00:45:15,884 No touchdown. He's out-of-bounds. 658 00:45:16,321 --> 00:45:17,913 -What?! -He's out-of-bounds. 659 00:45:32,571 --> 00:45:37,372 You think after you get out of prison they'll let you get your old job back? 660 00:45:37,576 --> 00:45:40,340 Well, boys, I don't think so. 661 00:45:40,545 --> 00:45:42,308 So when will they let you out? 662 00:45:42,514 --> 00:45:46,041 Well, I've got an appeal pending, but it doesn't look good. 663 00:45:46,251 --> 00:45:49,345 The victim's whiny family's protesting. 664 00:45:49,554 --> 00:45:51,613 What's their damn problem? 665 00:45:52,224 --> 00:45:53,987 So, what brings you boys here? 666 00:45:54,192 --> 00:45:56,251 Well, coach, we need your advice. 667 00:45:56,461 --> 00:45:57,758 Okay, shoot. 668 00:45:57,963 --> 00:46:00,523 Darren fell in love with this girl, Judith. 669 00:46:00,732 --> 00:46:03,758 -And we kidnapped her. -Kill her. 670 00:46:04,369 --> 00:46:06,564 Wait a minute and let me finish. 671 00:46:06,772 --> 00:46:10,299 So we screwed up because now she knows who we are. 672 00:46:10,542 --> 00:46:13,636 So we can't let her go, or she'll turn us in. 673 00:46:13,879 --> 00:46:15,437 Is that everything? 674 00:46:18,383 --> 00:46:19,645 Kill her. 675 00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:22,186 We can't kill her. 676 00:46:22,387 --> 00:46:26,016 You can! Wheaton Warbirds can do anything they put their minds to. 677 00:46:26,224 --> 00:46:29,489 But, coach, I mean, come on, actually kill a person? 678 00:46:29,928 --> 00:46:32,453 What is it that I always said? 679 00:46:32,664 --> 00:46:35,189 If you can dream it, you can do it. 680 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:36,458 Exactly. 681 00:46:36,668 --> 00:46:40,866 You have the dream. All you have to do is turn it into reality. 682 00:46:41,073 --> 00:46:42,700 -Okay. -Thattaboy! 683 00:46:42,941 --> 00:46:44,806 Now, go on home and snuff her. 684 00:46:45,010 --> 00:46:47,240 -Come on, move. -Thanks, coach. 685 00:46:53,051 --> 00:46:54,518 Where's your bird suit? 686 00:46:54,720 --> 00:46:57,484 I don't need it, because we're-- 687 00:46:58,824 --> 00:47:01,725 Because we're gonna kill you. Right? 688 00:47:03,829 --> 00:47:05,729 You aren't going to shoot me. 689 00:47:05,931 --> 00:47:07,330 What makes you say that? 690 00:47:07,699 --> 00:47:09,223 Because you're not killers. 691 00:47:09,434 --> 00:47:10,526 Sure we are. 692 00:47:10,736 --> 00:47:12,169 You've never killed anyone. 693 00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:13,360 I killed a man once. 694 00:47:13,572 --> 00:47:14,539 -Oh, really? -Yeah. 695 00:47:14,740 --> 00:47:17,334 -Who? -Kevin Beckley. 696 00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:20,511 You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck. 697 00:47:21,847 --> 00:47:24,873 -She doesn't know that. Goddamn it. -You see? 698 00:47:25,083 --> 00:47:28,484 You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives. 699 00:47:28,687 --> 00:47:32,851 One time, this squirrel ran out into the street and I ran over him... 700 00:47:33,058 --> 00:47:37,586 ...and he didn't die right then, but I'm pretty sure he died right after. 701 00:47:38,296 --> 00:47:42,255 It doesn't matter if we've killed or not! We're gonna do it right now! 702 00:47:42,467 --> 00:47:44,697 -Ready?! -Ready. 703 00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:49,169 -Do it. -I can't! 704 00:47:49,374 --> 00:47:50,773 Goddamn it! 705 00:47:59,951 --> 00:48:02,476 -Okay, it's Tuesday. -So? 706 00:48:02,721 --> 00:48:04,780 So you're meeting Sandy for lunch. 707 00:48:04,990 --> 00:48:06,617 Can't you see I'm in mourning? 708 00:48:06,825 --> 00:48:10,283 But you promised you'd be there. You gave her your word. 709 00:48:10,762 --> 00:48:12,457 I didn't even talk to her. 710 00:48:12,664 --> 00:48:14,894 Okay, I gave her your word. 711 00:48:15,100 --> 00:48:19,730 For God's sakes, when will you give up this idea that I'll go out with Sandy? 712 00:48:19,938 --> 00:48:22,236 When you go out with Sandy. 713 00:48:23,842 --> 00:48:25,503 Now, come on. 714 00:48:26,478 --> 00:48:29,606 Come on. Come on. Come on, come on. 715 00:48:39,324 --> 00:48:41,849 Come on! All right! Come on! 716 00:48:46,331 --> 00:48:48,993 Hey! Wow, you're wearing the-- 717 00:48:49,201 --> 00:48:51,431 I'm training to become a nun. 718 00:48:51,636 --> 00:48:54,104 A nun. Well, that explains it. 719 00:48:54,606 --> 00:48:57,439 -I hope it doesn't freak you out. -No, it doesn't. 720 00:48:57,642 --> 00:48:59,906 Actually, I'm relieved. 721 00:49:00,111 --> 00:49:04,104 I think Wayne was trying to set us up on a date. 722 00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:07,843 Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas. 723 00:49:08,053 --> 00:49:12,319 Yeah. Well, now that I know that you're unavailable... 724 00:49:12,524 --> 00:49:13,855 ...it makes this easier. 725 00:49:14,059 --> 00:49:15,549 We can just be friends. 726 00:49:15,794 --> 00:49:17,227 Exactly. Friends. 727 00:49:17,896 --> 00:49:19,124 Please. 728 00:49:19,698 --> 00:49:21,563 -Thank you. -Sure. 729 00:49:22,901 --> 00:49:24,459 So how are your parents? 730 00:49:24,669 --> 00:49:27,763 Oh, great. They're making a fortune on the lnternet. 731 00:49:27,973 --> 00:49:30,737 They started their own Web site, circusfreak.com. 732 00:49:31,543 --> 00:49:32,908 Wow, good for them. 733 00:49:33,245 --> 00:49:35,270 And how's your brother, Dog-face Boy? 734 00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:36,879 He got rabies. 735 00:49:37,315 --> 00:49:39,283 -God, that's too bad. -Yeah. 736 00:49:39,484 --> 00:49:42,419 We thought we were gonna have to put him down... 737 00:49:42,621 --> 00:49:44,179 ...but he recovered. 738 00:49:44,389 --> 00:49:46,186 Oh, good. Good. 739 00:49:46,391 --> 00:49:47,790 So how are you? 740 00:49:47,993 --> 00:49:50,325 Oh, me? I'm great. 741 00:49:50,562 --> 00:49:53,963 Yeah, everything's been really good, you know? 742 00:49:54,165 --> 00:49:55,462 Yeah. 743 00:49:56,935 --> 00:49:58,800 Well, my fiancée died. 744 00:49:59,070 --> 00:50:00,094 She died? 745 00:50:00,305 --> 00:50:01,272 Yeah, she's dead. 746 00:50:01,473 --> 00:50:03,464 -I am so sorry. -Oh, don't be. 747 00:50:03,675 --> 00:50:05,905 Please don't be sorry. 748 00:50:06,411 --> 00:50:08,140 It's nothing. 749 00:50:09,447 --> 00:50:12,143 So how do you feel about.... 750 00:50:17,022 --> 00:50:18,421 Oh, no. 751 00:50:18,623 --> 00:50:23,219 Oh, gosh. Just cry. Let it out. 752 00:50:23,428 --> 00:50:26,625 I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you. 753 00:50:26,831 --> 00:50:28,093 Thank you. 754 00:50:38,109 --> 00:50:42,136 Wait a minute. Wait. You're a Neil Diamond fan too? 755 00:50:42,347 --> 00:50:44,941 Oh! The man's a genius. 756 00:50:45,150 --> 00:50:46,515 Yeah! 757 00:50:46,718 --> 00:50:50,415 He's the greatest songwriter-performer of this or any generation. 758 00:50:50,622 --> 00:50:51,611 I know. 759 00:51:04,502 --> 00:51:06,129 Oh, God. 760 00:51:13,378 --> 00:51:15,073 I brought you some more videos. 761 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,714 You got your choice: Porno or monster trucks. 762 00:51:17,916 --> 00:51:19,941 -And I got one that's both. -Thanks, J.D. 763 00:51:20,151 --> 00:51:22,915 I really appreciate you taking care of me. 764 00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:24,444 My pleasure. 765 00:51:24,656 --> 00:51:28,114 Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy. 766 00:51:28,326 --> 00:51:29,315 Thanks. 767 00:51:29,527 --> 00:51:33,054 That's why I'm surprised that you let Wayne boss you around. 768 00:51:34,966 --> 00:51:35,990 Wayne's not-- 769 00:51:36,201 --> 00:51:39,659 No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me. 770 00:51:40,038 --> 00:51:44,031 Yeah. I think that you seem depressed and confused. 771 00:51:44,242 --> 00:51:45,641 You think? 772 00:51:45,844 --> 00:51:48,438 You have a self-defeating personality disorder. 773 00:51:50,615 --> 00:51:52,344 Have you considered therapy? 774 00:51:54,452 --> 00:51:58,218 I remember in high school, you were really into helping people. 775 00:51:58,423 --> 00:52:01,221 At parties, you were always the designated driver. 776 00:52:01,426 --> 00:52:04,361 Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer. 777 00:52:04,562 --> 00:52:08,464 And strong too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head. 778 00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:10,066 Still can. 779 00:52:10,301 --> 00:52:11,632 Oh, really? 780 00:52:12,470 --> 00:52:14,631 Ready? And.... 781 00:52:19,044 --> 00:52:20,534 -Oh, Darren! -Help me! 782 00:52:20,745 --> 00:52:22,372 Are you okay? 783 00:52:22,580 --> 00:52:23,808 -I can't-- -Just hang on. 784 00:52:25,917 --> 00:52:27,145 I can't swim. 785 00:52:43,735 --> 00:52:44,895 Darren! 786 00:52:45,870 --> 00:52:47,428 Are you okay? 787 00:52:47,672 --> 00:52:50,766 Thank you. Thank you for saving me. 788 00:52:52,510 --> 00:52:54,102 No problem. 789 00:53:03,254 --> 00:53:07,020 Let it out now. There you go. 790 00:53:09,194 --> 00:53:10,183 Come on. 791 00:53:10,462 --> 00:53:11,759 Let's go, okay? 792 00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,330 You're a lot stronger than you were in high school. 793 00:53:18,536 --> 00:53:21,937 Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym. 794 00:53:25,343 --> 00:53:28,244 And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets. 795 00:53:28,446 --> 00:53:30,744 What else can I say about second grade? 796 00:53:30,949 --> 00:53:32,610 J.D., let's fast-forward. 797 00:53:32,817 --> 00:53:35,684 -Have you ever had a girlfriend? -Yes. 798 00:53:35,887 --> 00:53:36,876 No. 799 00:53:37,122 --> 00:53:40,182 Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? 800 00:53:40,391 --> 00:53:41,858 -Which man? -Any man. 801 00:53:42,060 --> 00:53:44,358 -You mean, like, a tall man? -Sure, whatever. 802 00:53:44,562 --> 00:53:47,360 -I don't like tall people. -How about a short man? 803 00:53:47,632 --> 00:53:52,035 How short? Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird, like midgets. 804 00:53:52,370 --> 00:53:56,101 Have you fantasized about having sex with any man? Any man at all? 805 00:53:56,307 --> 00:53:58,639 Does that include celebrities? 806 00:54:00,979 --> 00:54:03,038 -Can I ask you something? -Sure. 807 00:54:03,248 --> 00:54:07,241 I mean, not that it matters now... 808 00:54:07,852 --> 00:54:12,653 ...but if I had asked you out back in high school, would you have gone? 809 00:54:13,691 --> 00:54:15,124 Definitely. 810 00:54:16,494 --> 00:54:19,554 -Not that it matters now, you know. -Right. 811 00:54:24,569 --> 00:54:26,503 -Perfect. -Thanks. 812 00:54:27,472 --> 00:54:29,838 Could you, you know, turn around? 813 00:54:30,041 --> 00:54:31,531 Right. Yeah, certainly. 814 00:54:40,351 --> 00:54:42,012 I have these. 815 00:54:43,721 --> 00:54:45,746 Sorry, sorry, those are.... 816 00:54:46,324 --> 00:54:47,256 Thanks. 817 00:55:00,071 --> 00:55:02,471 -Can you zip me up? -Yeah. 818 00:55:05,543 --> 00:55:07,374 I had a really good time. 819 00:55:07,579 --> 00:55:08,841 Me too. 820 00:55:09,047 --> 00:55:11,538 -Do you want to have dinner tonight? -I can't. 821 00:55:11,749 --> 00:55:14,513 Tomorrow I have a test in my catechism class... 822 00:55:14,719 --> 00:55:19,520 ...and I have to score at least an 85 so I can take my vows on Sunday. 823 00:55:19,824 --> 00:55:21,086 What about tomorrow? 824 00:55:21,292 --> 00:55:25,626 I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her death bed. 825 00:55:26,030 --> 00:55:27,361 I understand. 826 00:55:27,565 --> 00:55:29,897 But I'd really like to see you again. 827 00:55:31,035 --> 00:55:32,593 I'll get out of it. 828 00:55:33,104 --> 00:55:33,137 I always knew I was different, and now I know why. 829 00:55:33,137 --> 00:55:36,402 I always knew I was different, and now I know why. 830 00:55:36,608 --> 00:55:38,599 I'm gay. 831 00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:43,708 You're the only person who's ever truly understood me. 832 00:55:43,915 --> 00:55:46,713 It's okay. Just let it out. 833 00:55:46,918 --> 00:55:48,749 Everything will be all right. 834 00:55:48,953 --> 00:55:51,513 It's all gonna be okay. 835 00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:53,384 It's gonna be just-- 836 00:56:31,829 --> 00:56:33,854 Judith escaped. 837 00:56:34,866 --> 00:56:35,890 Der! 838 00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:44,799 Get to the truck. Go. Go. Go. Go. 839 00:56:58,056 --> 00:57:00,524 Okay, she can't be far. 840 00:57:02,260 --> 00:57:03,249 I see her! 841 00:57:03,461 --> 00:57:05,088 Where? Okay, steady, steady! 842 00:57:07,899 --> 00:57:08,991 I missed her. 843 00:57:14,572 --> 00:57:16,403 Now. Let's go. Go, go! 844 00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:18,871 You go this way, I'll go that way! Go! 845 00:57:28,019 --> 00:57:30,613 Open up! I've been kidnapped! 846 00:57:32,957 --> 00:57:34,322 Hold your goddamn horses! 847 00:57:34,759 --> 00:57:36,124 Oh, thank God. Hurry up. 848 00:57:40,865 --> 00:57:43,265 Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky. 849 00:57:45,470 --> 00:57:47,631 Young lady, so horny, so impatient. 850 00:57:52,477 --> 00:57:54,809 Oh, scrotum! 851 00:57:56,714 --> 00:57:59,376 Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on! 852 00:58:03,287 --> 00:58:05,778 -Now! I got her. -Do her! Come on! 853 00:58:06,090 --> 00:58:07,648 I got her. 854 00:58:17,168 --> 00:58:19,159 Okay, Judith, it's over. 855 00:58:19,404 --> 00:58:23,067 You might as well turn around and head back to the house. 856 00:58:35,686 --> 00:58:36,675 Oh, thank God. 857 00:58:59,811 --> 00:59:02,712 Hi, officers. You're safe. 858 00:59:03,114 --> 00:59:04,911 I'm Cowboy Wayne. 859 00:59:05,383 --> 00:59:08,580 I just bagged me one of them killer goats... 860 00:59:08,786 --> 00:59:11,448 ...that escaped from the zoo. 861 00:59:12,356 --> 00:59:14,051 -Good job. -Yeah. 862 00:59:14,292 --> 00:59:16,954 Okay, then, I'll see you later. 863 00:59:30,074 --> 00:59:32,440 There. That should hold you for tonight. 864 00:59:33,644 --> 00:59:34,906 Don't! 865 00:59:40,084 --> 00:59:41,915 What the hell happened? 866 00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:44,888 Judith was giving me some therapy... 867 00:59:45,089 --> 00:59:47,557 ...and helped me realize I was gay and-- 868 00:59:47,825 --> 00:59:49,349 Wait. What? 869 00:59:50,328 --> 00:59:51,659 I see what happened. 870 00:59:52,697 --> 00:59:54,426 She messed with your head. 871 00:59:54,665 --> 00:59:56,292 Wayne, I'm gay. 872 00:59:56,501 --> 00:59:59,959 No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women. 873 01:00:00,171 --> 01:00:04,403 No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D. 874 01:00:04,609 --> 01:00:05,735 How'd she do that? 875 01:00:05,943 --> 01:00:07,410 She listened. 876 01:00:07,845 --> 01:00:12,782 Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs. 877 01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:15,748 -Like what? -Like my obsession with Bette Midler. 878 01:00:15,953 --> 01:00:17,784 My preference for track lighting. 879 01:00:17,989 --> 01:00:20,753 And the fact that I like sucking dick. 880 01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:23,358 What?! You've done that?! 881 01:00:24,061 --> 01:00:27,997 Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga? 882 01:00:28,199 --> 01:00:29,894 I don't want to hear anymore. 883 01:00:30,101 --> 01:00:33,537 Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem! 884 01:00:33,738 --> 01:00:36,536 But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself. 885 01:00:36,741 --> 01:00:37,969 Okay! 886 01:00:42,613 --> 01:00:45,047 -You want to be gay with me? -No! 887 01:00:50,188 --> 01:00:51,849 Come on, go, come on. 888 01:00:52,056 --> 01:00:54,684 All you, all you! Eleven. Okay. 889 01:00:54,892 --> 01:00:57,952 One more. One more. Come on. One more. 890 01:00:58,996 --> 01:01:00,896 Feel the burn. Come on, now. 891 01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:04,361 Eleven. 892 01:01:05,336 --> 01:01:06,564 What's the matter, dear? 893 01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:11,039 You never used to be so winded after only five sets. 894 01:01:11,242 --> 01:01:13,574 Well, Mother Superior... 895 01:01:14,412 --> 01:01:19,111 ...I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun. 896 01:01:19,684 --> 01:01:21,117 Oh, don't get me wrong. 897 01:01:21,319 --> 01:01:24,550 This is a terrific convent. But I-- 898 01:01:24,755 --> 01:01:25,983 But.... 899 01:01:26,257 --> 01:01:27,246 Well... 900 01:01:28,426 --> 01:01:31,793 ...I'm having these feelings. 901 01:01:32,029 --> 01:01:33,428 What kind of feelings? 902 01:01:37,401 --> 01:01:39,392 You mean sexual feelings. 903 01:01:41,172 --> 01:01:43,470 Yeah, but it's so much more than that. 904 01:01:43,674 --> 01:01:44,698 Yes, well... 905 01:01:45,209 --> 01:01:46,608 ...my dear... 906 01:01:47,078 --> 01:01:51,481 ...you're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live. 907 01:01:51,682 --> 01:01:54,116 But once you take your final vows... 908 01:01:55,419 --> 01:01:57,649 ...there is no going back. 909 01:01:58,556 --> 01:02:02,014 Now, let's go bust out some power squats. 910 01:02:16,207 --> 01:02:21,042 There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this.... 911 01:02:23,214 --> 01:02:24,374 This.... 912 01:02:24,949 --> 01:02:26,883 This should keep you from biting. 913 01:02:27,752 --> 01:02:30,482 -How am I gonna eat? -I thought of that. 914 01:02:31,756 --> 01:02:33,314 -What is that? -It's breakfast. 915 01:02:33,557 --> 01:02:36,617 It's pancakes, sausage, hash brown, Pop Tart, puréed. 916 01:02:36,827 --> 01:02:38,988 I won't eat it. I want a Big Montana. 917 01:02:39,196 --> 01:02:41,528 A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries. 918 01:02:41,732 --> 01:02:46,032 I won't get you one. If you won't eat what I made for you, you can starve! 919 01:02:46,737 --> 01:02:48,568 Why are you doing this?! 920 01:02:48,773 --> 01:02:50,638 To save our friendship. 921 01:02:50,841 --> 01:02:53,810 Friendship? It seems like you're in love with Darren. 922 01:02:54,178 --> 01:02:55,475 Bullshit! 923 01:02:55,680 --> 01:02:58,877 Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole and so do you. 924 01:02:59,884 --> 01:03:01,545 I am so un-gay! 925 01:03:01,752 --> 01:03:05,552 Let's pretend you're straight. When's the last time you got any? 926 01:03:05,756 --> 01:03:07,121 None of your business. 927 01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:08,716 So it's been years? 928 01:03:09,427 --> 01:03:12,658 -I'm waiting for the right woman. -There is no right woman. 929 01:03:12,863 --> 01:03:17,323 If there was, you've already met and she's killed herself or become gay. 930 01:03:17,768 --> 01:03:19,599 -Bite me! -Blow me! 931 01:03:19,837 --> 01:03:21,099 -Skank! -Eunuch! 932 01:03:21,572 --> 01:03:24,769 Stealer of my friend! 933 01:03:32,450 --> 01:03:34,418 What happened to your head? 934 01:03:38,055 --> 01:03:39,682 I saw Judith. 935 01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:41,624 Judith's dead. 936 01:03:41,859 --> 01:03:43,190 Yeah, but... 937 01:03:43,427 --> 01:03:45,520 ...I could've sworn it was her. 938 01:03:45,730 --> 01:03:48,255 -I was on-- -You poor thing. 939 01:03:48,466 --> 01:03:50,263 You're still not over her death. 940 01:03:50,735 --> 01:03:53,329 Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other. 941 01:03:54,038 --> 01:03:57,633 No. No. God, I'm fine. 942 01:03:57,875 --> 01:04:00,537 And, look, I can deal with this. Okay? 943 01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:07,411 -So, what are you having? -Let's see. 944 01:04:07,618 --> 01:04:10,746 There's the duck. That was always Judith's favorite. 945 01:04:10,955 --> 01:04:12,513 -I'm sorry. -I should leave. 946 01:04:12,723 --> 01:04:14,782 No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry. 947 01:04:14,992 --> 01:04:18,291 I will never mention Judith's name again, really. 948 01:04:18,496 --> 01:04:20,293 I swear. I swear. 949 01:04:23,234 --> 01:04:25,202 Would you excuse me for a moment? 950 01:04:25,770 --> 01:04:29,069 Please. I'll be right back. Okay? 951 01:04:29,273 --> 01:04:31,207 In a-- In a moment. 952 01:04:37,515 --> 01:04:38,914 Damn it! 953 01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:45,411 -What do you want?! -Wayne, it's me, Darren. 954 01:04:45,823 --> 01:04:50,055 I have a problem. I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith. 955 01:04:50,528 --> 01:04:52,826 Okay. I'll be right there. 956 01:05:05,109 --> 01:05:07,077 Okay, open up your shirt. 957 01:05:07,278 --> 01:05:08,973 -Why? -Just do it. 958 01:05:10,114 --> 01:05:11,809 What is this? 959 01:05:13,951 --> 01:05:14,940 Now... 960 01:05:15,619 --> 01:05:17,450 ...here's what's gonna happen. 961 01:05:19,390 --> 01:05:22,518 I'm going to listen to your conversation. 962 01:05:23,360 --> 01:05:24,452 Now... 963 01:05:25,463 --> 01:05:28,626 ...if you say anything about Judith... 964 01:05:29,133 --> 01:05:31,693 ...or so much as mention her name... 965 01:05:31,902 --> 01:05:34,530 ...then I'll give you a little shock. 966 01:05:36,540 --> 01:05:37,802 Perfect. 967 01:05:39,543 --> 01:05:43,070 I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples. 968 01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:44,975 I could put them on your balls. 969 01:05:45,316 --> 01:05:47,648 The nipples are fine. Nipples work. 970 01:05:50,321 --> 01:05:54,087 Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm back. I am back. 971 01:05:54,325 --> 01:05:57,817 There was a talkative men's room attendant. 972 01:05:58,162 --> 01:05:59,151 That's okay. 973 01:06:13,244 --> 01:06:14,802 -Excuse me. -Hey. 974 01:06:15,012 --> 01:06:17,071 -This table's reserved. -You know what? 975 01:06:17,281 --> 01:06:20,079 I come here all the time, and spend a lot of money... 976 01:06:20,284 --> 01:06:22,479 ...so why not leave me the hell alone? 977 01:06:25,189 --> 01:06:27,248 I don't mean to be pushy... 978 01:06:27,458 --> 01:06:30,188 ...but if this relationship is gonna get serious... 979 01:06:30,394 --> 01:06:32,294 ...I have to give up becoming a nun... 980 01:06:32,696 --> 01:06:34,857 ...and I'd have to decide soon... 981 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:37,694 ...because my final vows are on Sunday. 982 01:06:38,269 --> 01:06:40,464 Yeah, that thought had occurred to me. 983 01:06:40,704 --> 01:06:42,194 And if I do that... 984 01:06:42,406 --> 01:06:46,536 ...I need to know that you want marriage and a family. 985 01:06:47,711 --> 01:06:48,700 Absolutely. 986 01:06:50,881 --> 01:06:54,715 I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but... 987 01:06:55,753 --> 01:06:57,277 ...I love you, Darren. 988 01:07:01,091 --> 01:07:02,524 I love you too, Judith. 989 01:07:05,362 --> 01:07:07,660 -Judith?! -I mean Sandy. 990 01:07:07,865 --> 01:07:11,596 I mean, let's dance. Okay? 991 01:07:20,311 --> 01:07:21,403 You're out of here. 992 01:07:21,612 --> 01:07:24,137 Put me down! I haven't ordered yet! 993 01:07:27,585 --> 01:07:30,110 Time for an attitude adjustment, mister. 994 01:07:33,424 --> 01:07:35,255 Hey, nice move. 995 01:07:43,267 --> 01:07:44,359 Damn, he's good. 996 01:07:46,236 --> 01:07:47,396 Darren! 997 01:07:52,509 --> 01:07:53,498 Oh, my God! 998 01:07:53,844 --> 01:07:56,108 Oh, jeez. Oh, my God! 999 01:07:59,149 --> 01:08:01,208 Are you okay? 1000 01:08:02,786 --> 01:08:04,219 It was a little weird. 1001 01:08:17,334 --> 01:08:19,063 -What's going on? -I can explain. 1002 01:08:19,470 --> 01:08:24,100 It's aversion therapy. Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith... 1003 01:08:24,308 --> 01:08:26,503 ...so I had these things-- Nipples-- 1004 01:08:26,710 --> 01:08:30,077 Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought. 1005 01:08:30,280 --> 01:08:33,807 No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship. 1006 01:08:34,985 --> 01:08:36,885 No, I am! Sandy, wait! 1007 01:08:38,122 --> 01:08:39,316 Okay. 1008 01:08:39,523 --> 01:08:40,547 Damn it! 1009 01:08:43,661 --> 01:08:45,151 Wait, wait. 1010 01:08:46,930 --> 01:08:48,659 Wait, Sandy! 1011 01:09:01,845 --> 01:09:03,540 Oh, my God! 1012 01:09:03,747 --> 01:09:05,806 Darren. What happened to you? 1013 01:09:06,016 --> 01:09:08,507 -I ran here from the club. -That's 30 miles! 1014 01:09:08,719 --> 01:09:11,449 Yeah, I know. I wanted to say... 1015 01:09:12,022 --> 01:09:15,150 ...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? 1016 01:09:16,026 --> 01:09:18,995 Because the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps... 1017 01:09:19,196 --> 01:09:20,322 -...it's crazy, and-- -Yes! 1018 01:09:21,899 --> 01:09:23,161 -Really? -Yes. 1019 01:09:23,534 --> 01:09:24,694 Just like that? 1020 01:09:24,902 --> 01:09:27,700 Well, I am training to become a nun, you know. 1021 01:09:27,905 --> 01:09:29,930 Forgiveness is just sort of my thing. 1022 01:09:30,207 --> 01:09:31,333 I love you. 1023 01:09:31,542 --> 01:09:32,566 -Really? -I love you. 1024 01:09:32,776 --> 01:09:35,301 -I love you. -Oh, love. Love. 1025 01:09:53,130 --> 01:09:55,724 -Happy? -You didn't have to do that. 1026 01:09:55,933 --> 01:10:00,393 I just happened to be by Arby's. They were throwing out old food... 1027 01:10:00,604 --> 01:10:03,095 ...so, you know, I thought, "Why not?" 1028 01:10:03,307 --> 01:10:06,174 Either way, that's nice of you. 1029 01:10:13,417 --> 01:10:15,044 I was wondering: 1030 01:10:16,587 --> 01:10:18,919 -Why Darren? -What do you mean? 1031 01:10:19,356 --> 01:10:22,814 You don't seem the type to go for a sensitive guy like Darren. 1032 01:10:23,026 --> 01:10:27,656 You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy. 1033 01:10:33,871 --> 01:10:36,203 Before I met Darren, I was-- 1034 01:10:38,776 --> 01:10:40,869 I was engaged to a guy like that. 1035 01:10:41,578 --> 01:10:45,708 His idea of fun was to fly to Thailand to fight in a kickboxing tournament. 1036 01:10:46,450 --> 01:10:47,849 U.S.A.! Go, Josh! 1037 01:11:11,408 --> 01:11:13,808 After that, I decided no more tough guys. 1038 01:11:14,711 --> 01:11:16,679 Yeah, and then you found Darren. 1039 01:11:16,880 --> 01:11:17,938 Yeah. 1040 01:11:18,382 --> 01:11:21,977 -So do you even love him? -There's different types of love. 1041 01:11:22,886 --> 01:11:24,410 I knew it! 1042 01:11:24,621 --> 01:11:28,682 Sometimes you make rational decisions. You can't always follow your heart. 1043 01:11:29,026 --> 01:11:30,152 Yeah, whatever. 1044 01:11:30,527 --> 01:11:34,258 I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge. 1045 01:11:34,765 --> 01:11:36,733 Like you kidnapping me. 1046 01:11:37,868 --> 01:11:39,631 That took balls. 1047 01:11:40,237 --> 01:11:41,795 Big balls. 1048 01:11:42,973 --> 01:11:44,941 I gotta say it turned me on. 1049 01:11:46,610 --> 01:11:47,941 It did? 1050 01:12:27,417 --> 01:12:28,816 Oh, my God. 1051 01:12:34,524 --> 01:12:36,492 Goddamn these chains! 1052 01:12:41,198 --> 01:12:42,529 Little key, little key. 1053 01:12:43,267 --> 01:12:45,394 What am I doing? I can't let you go! 1054 01:12:45,769 --> 01:12:48,329 Just give me one free hand. It'll be worth it. 1055 01:12:49,873 --> 01:12:52,137 Okay. Give me the fries. 1056 01:13:01,618 --> 01:13:03,279 -Hi. -Wow. 1057 01:13:03,487 --> 01:13:04,681 Hey. 1058 01:13:05,222 --> 01:13:06,519 Shit. 1059 01:13:09,493 --> 01:13:11,620 Just wait one minute, okay? 1060 01:13:15,933 --> 01:13:17,764 -Dude-- -Dude, you got a boner? 1061 01:13:18,068 --> 01:13:19,057 No. 1062 01:13:19,269 --> 01:13:21,328 -Why didn't you answer the door? -I'm eating. 1063 01:13:21,538 --> 01:13:23,005 -So? -I don't answer when I'm eating. 1064 01:13:23,206 --> 01:13:24,503 -Since when? -Since always. 1065 01:13:24,708 --> 01:13:27,700 -I never knew that. -You didn't know a lot, like I'm gay. 1066 01:13:28,045 --> 01:13:31,344 -Anything else you want to tell me? -I got three balls. 1067 01:13:31,548 --> 01:13:34,381 Shut up! God! 1068 01:13:35,953 --> 01:13:36,977 Dude. 1069 01:13:38,221 --> 01:13:39,245 Hi, coach. 1070 01:13:39,456 --> 01:13:40,923 What are you doing here? 1071 01:13:41,124 --> 01:13:43,558 Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan. 1072 01:13:44,027 --> 01:13:46,018 -Congrats. -What will you do now? 1073 01:13:46,229 --> 01:13:50,290 That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash, figure out my next move. 1074 01:13:50,500 --> 01:13:52,161 I knew I could count on you. 1075 01:13:52,369 --> 01:13:55,566 -Well, we gotta talk about-- -You stay as long as you like. 1076 01:13:55,839 --> 01:13:58,706 Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump. 1077 01:13:58,909 --> 01:14:02,970 We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill. 1078 01:14:03,180 --> 01:14:04,306 What do you do? 1079 01:14:04,514 --> 01:14:07,142 Well, we just use the lawn now. 1080 01:14:07,551 --> 01:14:09,246 Smart thinking. 1081 01:14:09,619 --> 01:14:10,608 Oh, God! 1082 01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:13,980 You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there. 1083 01:14:14,191 --> 01:14:16,523 Are you crazy? Coach can't stay here! 1084 01:14:16,727 --> 01:14:19,821 -We got a woman locked in the garage! -Oh, yeah! 1085 01:14:24,768 --> 01:14:26,463 You boys got any T.P.? 1086 01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:28,001 No! 1087 01:14:28,305 --> 01:14:30,330 That's all right. I'll find something. 1088 01:14:36,179 --> 01:14:39,114 Play it cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him. 1089 01:14:39,349 --> 01:14:43,410 We tell him we got dates. He can't be here because we're getting laid. 1090 01:14:43,620 --> 01:14:45,747 No, he'll never believe that. 1091 01:14:45,956 --> 01:14:47,787 We'll tell him we got ghosts. 1092 01:14:48,025 --> 01:14:50,152 So, boys, what's for supper? 1093 01:14:50,360 --> 01:14:52,851 -Listen, coach-- -We have ghosts. 1094 01:14:53,196 --> 01:14:57,189 We were thinking that maybe you staying here's not such a great idea. 1095 01:14:57,401 --> 01:15:01,462 Nonsense. It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again. 1096 01:15:01,705 --> 01:15:06,335 So you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman? 1097 01:15:06,543 --> 01:15:10,206 Yeah, we snuffed that bitch just like you said. 1098 01:15:10,714 --> 01:15:12,614 Good. How'd you do it? 1099 01:15:13,483 --> 01:15:14,507 -We-- -Ate her. 1100 01:15:15,118 --> 01:15:16,107 You ate her? 1101 01:15:16,386 --> 01:15:19,253 -Yeah. We ate her. -Alive. 1102 01:15:19,456 --> 01:15:20,787 My hat goes off to you. 1103 01:15:20,991 --> 01:15:23,892 You boys are smart. That's the perfect crime. 1104 01:15:24,961 --> 01:15:27,088 Wonder what's on the tube. 1105 01:15:27,397 --> 01:15:28,625 -No! Coach! -No! 1106 01:15:29,900 --> 01:15:33,461 What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show? 1107 01:15:34,471 --> 01:15:36,598 That's the kidnap victim, ain't it? 1108 01:15:36,807 --> 01:15:37,967 You didn't kill her! 1109 01:15:38,175 --> 01:15:39,836 No. Coach, listen.... 1110 01:15:40,043 --> 01:15:43,069 I am really disappointed in you boys. 1111 01:15:43,280 --> 01:15:45,908 I want you to go out there and off that cooze. 1112 01:15:46,116 --> 01:15:47,481 We can't, coach. 1113 01:15:47,684 --> 01:15:50,312 Oh, for Pete's sakes! Look! She's getting out! 1114 01:15:50,854 --> 01:15:53,288 Go chop her head off or something. 1115 01:15:54,324 --> 01:15:58,852 There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified. 1116 01:15:59,329 --> 01:16:02,992 Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad. 1117 01:16:09,506 --> 01:16:11,133 -Don't worry! -Who are you? 1118 01:16:11,408 --> 01:16:14,809 Let's say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill you. 1119 01:16:15,078 --> 01:16:17,808 You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you? 1120 01:16:18,014 --> 01:16:20,915 Of course not. I love a good challenge. 1121 01:16:41,538 --> 01:16:42,869 Are you okay? 1122 01:16:49,679 --> 01:16:50,703 Dude-- 1123 01:16:58,488 --> 01:16:59,477 Got it? 1124 01:17:03,627 --> 01:17:06,391 -I'm so happy. -Oh, me too. 1125 01:17:09,332 --> 01:17:11,129 Does this couch fold out? 1126 01:17:22,345 --> 01:17:24,643 What the hell is going on here? 1127 01:17:26,183 --> 01:17:27,241 -Judith! -Yes. 1128 01:17:27,450 --> 01:17:28,917 -You're alive. -Yes. 1129 01:17:29,119 --> 01:17:31,610 -Judith? -Who is this tramp? 1130 01:17:31,821 --> 01:17:33,118 I'm not a tramp. 1131 01:17:33,323 --> 01:17:36,656 Actually, until yesterday, I was training to become a nun. 1132 01:17:37,060 --> 01:17:39,756 I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun? 1133 01:17:39,963 --> 01:17:42,625 No, no. We're in love. 1134 01:17:43,166 --> 01:17:44,497 I thought you were dead. 1135 01:17:44,868 --> 01:17:48,167 Oh, really? Well, I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay? 1136 01:17:48,371 --> 01:17:50,362 It was hell! I was beaten, tortured... 1137 01:17:50,574 --> 01:17:53,600 ...and treated like a frigging farm animal! 1138 01:17:53,843 --> 01:17:55,105 And the entire time... 1139 01:17:55,312 --> 01:17:58,338 ...the only thing that kept me alive was the thought... 1140 01:17:58,848 --> 01:18:02,511 ...that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me... 1141 01:18:02,719 --> 01:18:05,187 ...and that one day we'd be together again. 1142 01:18:07,791 --> 01:18:09,088 It was so horrible. 1143 01:18:17,601 --> 01:18:21,697 -Where are we going? -I don't know. We gotta find her. 1144 01:18:22,372 --> 01:18:24,237 -Okay, where to? -Go left! 1145 01:18:24,441 --> 01:18:26,033 I'm going right! 1146 01:18:26,676 --> 01:18:29,008 They kept me in a dark closet for days. 1147 01:18:29,212 --> 01:18:34,115 And they fed me, like, crushed potato chips under the door. 1148 01:18:37,087 --> 01:18:40,488 Maybe I should go. 1149 01:18:40,724 --> 01:18:42,089 Oh, no. 1150 01:18:44,728 --> 01:18:46,628 Please. Please, don't. 1151 01:18:46,830 --> 01:18:48,798 Don't leave. 1152 01:18:48,999 --> 01:18:50,296 Well, but, I mean... 1153 01:18:50,500 --> 01:18:54,732 ...Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée. 1154 01:18:56,306 --> 01:18:59,673 I know. You're right. You're right. But.... 1155 01:19:00,076 --> 01:19:02,135 But you can't go because I.... 1156 01:19:02,612 --> 01:19:05,479 -Because what? Why, Darren? -Because I-- 1157 01:19:06,016 --> 01:19:07,608 -See, you-- -Yeah? 1158 01:19:07,817 --> 01:19:09,250 -Well, we-- And-- -Yeah? 1159 01:19:09,452 --> 01:19:12,353 Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another. 1160 01:19:12,589 --> 01:19:15,217 Spare her the pain of seeing us together. 1161 01:19:15,425 --> 01:19:16,585 You... 1162 01:19:16,826 --> 01:19:18,919 ...run along back to the nunnery. 1163 01:19:24,267 --> 01:19:25,256 She's right. 1164 01:19:25,669 --> 01:19:27,000 I mean... 1165 01:19:27,337 --> 01:19:29,532 ...I did pledge. 1166 01:19:31,708 --> 01:19:33,073 Okay. 1167 01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:37,204 Bye. 1168 01:19:40,150 --> 01:19:41,515 She's here! Hey, Darren. 1169 01:19:41,718 --> 01:19:44,949 Sandy, hi. Look, I can-- Darren. Sorry. 1170 01:19:45,155 --> 01:19:48,682 Darren, look. I understand that you're really upset. 1171 01:19:48,892 --> 01:19:51,417 I probably look like a really big asshole-- 1172 01:19:51,628 --> 01:19:52,959 Dude! 1173 01:19:54,464 --> 01:19:58,901 Okay. I deserved that. But now let me explain-- 1174 01:20:03,973 --> 01:20:08,376 Okay, I guess I deserved that one too, but now we're even, okay? 1175 01:20:12,949 --> 01:20:16,783 Stop! We only did it because we love you. 1176 01:20:16,986 --> 01:20:18,851 Oh, right, because you love me. 1177 01:20:19,055 --> 01:20:22,149 Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug. It's-- 1178 01:20:35,538 --> 01:20:39,668 -Freeze! -Get your hands up! 1179 01:20:49,486 --> 01:20:52,387 Don't think my presence here means I forgive you. 1180 01:20:52,589 --> 01:20:55,422 I just wanted to tell you guys in person. 1181 01:20:55,625 --> 01:20:58,116 Judith and I are getting married tomorrow. 1182 01:20:58,328 --> 01:21:00,956 You don't want to marry Judith. Admit it. 1183 01:21:01,297 --> 01:21:03,959 -Of course I do. -Okay. 1184 01:21:04,434 --> 01:21:06,698 Then look into my eyes and say it. 1185 01:21:07,137 --> 01:21:09,105 I want to marry Judith. 1186 01:21:09,439 --> 01:21:12,966 Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it. 1187 01:21:13,543 --> 01:21:15,067 I'm out of here. 1188 01:21:16,479 --> 01:21:19,812 Come on. We're sorry, okay? 1189 01:21:20,150 --> 01:21:22,050 What we did was wrong. 1190 01:21:25,722 --> 01:21:27,246 We gotta stop that wedding. 1191 01:21:27,457 --> 01:21:29,254 Dude, how? 1192 01:21:30,527 --> 01:21:35,123 Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill! 1193 01:21:37,634 --> 01:21:41,126 Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D. Look, we need your help. 1194 01:21:41,337 --> 01:21:44,534 I'd do anything for you boys. Name it, you got it. 1195 01:21:44,741 --> 01:21:49,337 Well, we need you to post bail for us. It's $10,000 apiece. 1196 01:21:49,579 --> 01:21:52,571 -No way! -Come on, coach. 1197 01:21:52,782 --> 01:21:54,079 We need your help. 1198 01:21:54,317 --> 01:21:56,842 Jail life is real tough. They're-- 1199 01:21:57,120 --> 01:21:59,645 They're sodomizing us in here. 1200 01:21:59,856 --> 01:22:02,188 What?! They're corn-holing you? 1201 01:22:02,392 --> 01:22:06,522 Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out. 1202 01:22:07,697 --> 01:22:11,497 You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him. 1203 01:22:13,937 --> 01:22:14,904 What is that? 1204 01:22:15,104 --> 01:22:17,095 Sounds kind of like my truck. 1205 01:22:23,913 --> 01:22:25,278 Come on, boys. Let's go. 1206 01:22:26,583 --> 01:22:28,574 Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut! 1207 01:22:29,519 --> 01:22:31,077 Come on, move it! 1208 01:22:31,855 --> 01:22:35,086 You're free. Now, where to, boys? 1209 01:22:35,358 --> 01:22:36,620 Go left. 1210 01:22:38,795 --> 01:22:40,092 Charge! 1211 01:22:42,732 --> 01:22:44,700 Sandy Perkus... 1212 01:22:45,034 --> 01:22:47,764 ...do you vow to lead a life of poverty... 1213 01:22:47,971 --> 01:22:49,871 ...chastity, obedience... 1214 01:22:50,073 --> 01:22:51,768 ...and silence? 1215 01:22:52,408 --> 01:22:53,875 Wait! 1216 01:22:55,044 --> 01:22:56,033 Sorry. 1217 01:22:57,881 --> 01:22:59,371 Look, you can't do this. 1218 01:22:59,616 --> 01:23:01,982 -You love Darren, right? -Well, yeah. 1219 01:23:02,218 --> 01:23:04,379 -Well, Darren loves you. -Really? 1220 01:23:04,621 --> 01:23:07,681 Darren's her boyfriend, but he has this other girlfriend... 1221 01:23:07,891 --> 01:23:10,883 -...and he's getting-- -So, what are you gonna do? 1222 01:23:12,729 --> 01:23:14,492 Go, my child. 1223 01:23:15,064 --> 01:23:16,156 -Okay. -Come on. 1224 01:23:16,399 --> 01:23:18,424 We've got a wedding to crash! 1225 01:23:18,635 --> 01:23:20,500 Go. Go. Go. 1226 01:23:20,737 --> 01:23:21,726 Bye, everybody! 1227 01:23:22,906 --> 01:23:25,101 Damn. Lost another one. 1228 01:23:25,308 --> 01:23:27,242 Son of a bitch. 1229 01:23:41,958 --> 01:23:43,983 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1230 01:23:44,193 --> 01:23:46,855 Oh, here. We got you some clothes. 1231 01:23:48,431 --> 01:23:50,399 Where did you get these? 1232 01:23:50,600 --> 01:23:51,624 J.D.'s sister. 1233 01:23:51,834 --> 01:23:54,428 -She's a stripper. -And a hooker. 1234 01:24:12,055 --> 01:24:13,215 Go! Gotta go! 1235 01:24:18,227 --> 01:24:19,353 Oh, my gosh! 1236 01:24:19,562 --> 01:24:21,052 Neil Diamond! 1237 01:24:21,297 --> 01:24:22,764 What the hell is going on? 1238 01:24:22,966 --> 01:24:24,228 Neil, let me explain. 1239 01:24:24,434 --> 01:24:28,598 You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes. Naked pictures. 1240 01:24:28,805 --> 01:24:32,332 What? We never sent you any naked pictures. 1241 01:24:32,709 --> 01:24:33,937 -Dude. -Sorry. 1242 01:24:34,143 --> 01:24:36,941 Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy. 1243 01:24:37,146 --> 01:24:38,773 He's marrying the wrong woman. 1244 01:24:38,982 --> 01:24:41,177 Sandy and Darren, they broke up. 1245 01:24:41,384 --> 01:24:43,648 Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise. 1246 01:24:43,853 --> 01:24:47,254 -Help us get them back together. -I don't know. 1247 01:24:47,457 --> 01:24:50,324 Turn on your heart light. Judith brainwashed him. 1248 01:24:50,526 --> 01:24:53,256 For years, Darren loved me, but I never knew it. 1249 01:24:53,463 --> 01:24:54,896 Hold it. Hold it! 1250 01:24:55,732 --> 01:24:58,223 -Hold on. -And did I mention I was gay? 1251 01:24:58,434 --> 01:25:01,699 I've spent my life writing songs about the power of love... 1252 01:25:01,904 --> 01:25:04,771 ...but up until right now, they've only been words. 1253 01:25:05,008 --> 01:25:08,944 This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something. 1254 01:25:09,145 --> 01:25:12,239 -You say that if Darren marries... -Judith. 1255 01:25:12,448 --> 01:25:14,939 -...Judith, he'll be miserable. -Right. 1256 01:25:15,151 --> 01:25:19,144 I believe in happy endings. If Neil Diamond has anything to do with it... 1257 01:25:19,355 --> 01:25:21,152 ...this love story will have one. 1258 01:25:21,357 --> 01:25:23,416 Come on! Yeah! 1259 01:25:23,793 --> 01:25:26,660 We got Neil Diamond onboard! All right! 1260 01:25:26,863 --> 01:25:29,593 -Where we going? -The park on America Avenue. 1261 01:25:30,633 --> 01:25:32,430 -5-0! -What? 1262 01:25:32,635 --> 01:25:33,795 Cops. Caprice. 1263 01:25:34,037 --> 01:25:36,267 Five cars back. Goddamn heat. 1264 01:25:36,472 --> 01:25:39,373 One little prison break, and they're all over you. 1265 01:25:40,376 --> 01:25:41,604 Whoa, coach. 1266 01:25:42,211 --> 01:25:44,441 No matter what happens, don't look back. 1267 01:25:44,647 --> 01:25:47,548 Just get this sweet gal to the man who loves her. 1268 01:25:47,750 --> 01:25:51,709 I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire than to go back to jail. 1269 01:25:52,155 --> 01:25:54,282 Nice meeting you, Mr. Diamond. 1270 01:26:02,732 --> 01:26:03,892 Coach, look out! 1271 01:26:07,136 --> 01:26:08,262 They're not cops! 1272 01:26:13,743 --> 01:26:16,143 Hey, we're coming to America. 1273 01:26:21,284 --> 01:26:25,482 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Darren Silverman... 1274 01:26:25,688 --> 01:26:29,021 ...and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony. 1275 01:26:29,325 --> 01:26:32,260 If anyone has any objections, speak now. 1276 01:26:32,528 --> 01:26:33,586 I do. 1277 01:26:33,796 --> 01:26:35,821 -What? -Neil? 1278 01:26:41,437 --> 01:26:42,768 -Neil! -Neil. 1279 01:26:42,972 --> 01:26:45,372 Get to the part where we say, "I do." 1280 01:27:08,397 --> 01:27:09,386 Oh, my! 1281 01:27:10,199 --> 01:27:12,030 -Say, "I do." -No. 1282 01:27:12,468 --> 01:27:14,129 Say, "I do." 1283 01:27:14,370 --> 01:27:16,201 I can't. Because I... 1284 01:27:19,542 --> 01:27:21,533 ...I love Neil... 1285 01:27:21,744 --> 01:27:23,541 ...and I love Sandy. 1286 01:27:25,148 --> 01:27:26,809 You're in love with this slut? 1287 01:27:27,016 --> 01:27:29,143 I am not a slut. 1288 01:27:29,652 --> 01:27:31,984 Sandy is my one and only someone. 1289 01:27:45,568 --> 01:27:47,058 What about me? 1290 01:27:47,603 --> 01:27:50,163 Who's my someone? 1291 01:28:07,890 --> 01:28:09,755 You ruined my life! 1292 01:28:11,127 --> 01:28:12,560 But I saved Darren's! 1293 01:28:12,762 --> 01:28:15,959 Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough... 1294 01:28:16,232 --> 01:28:17,631 ...to hook up with you! 1295 01:28:23,406 --> 01:28:26,842 Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me, you liked it? 1296 01:28:27,043 --> 01:28:30,137 You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons. 1297 01:28:39,222 --> 01:28:40,780 Admit it! 1298 01:28:42,091 --> 01:28:45,390 I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need... 1299 01:28:45,595 --> 01:28:49,554 ...and you're the hard-core bitch that I've always dreamed of. 1300 01:29:09,919 --> 01:29:10,908 What about you? 1301 01:29:11,754 --> 01:29:15,246 -When are you gonna get hitched? -Actually, I'm not. I'm gay. 1302 01:29:16,425 --> 01:29:17,687 Me too. 1303 01:29:17,927 --> 01:29:19,155 Really? 1304 01:29:19,896 --> 01:29:22,694 By the power vested in me by the state of Washington... 1305 01:29:22,899 --> 01:29:25,561 ...I now pronounce you man and wife. 1306 01:29:25,768 --> 01:29:27,429 You may kiss the bride. 1307 01:29:30,273 --> 01:29:32,901 I now pronounce you man and wife. 1308 01:29:33,109 --> 01:29:35,043 You may kiss the bride. 1309 01:29:37,747 --> 01:29:41,239 I now pronounce you man and man. 1310 01:29:41,450 --> 01:29:43,384 You may kiss the man. 1311 01:30:05,474 --> 01:30:07,465 Come on, we need you for this one. 1312 00:01:03,204 --> 00:01:07,106 Neil Diamond. Hot August night, 1972. 1313 00:01:07,308 --> 00:01:12,211 That concert rocked and rolled. I know because I was there. 1314 00:01:17,719 --> 00:01:19,084 That's me. 1315 00:01:22,557 --> 00:01:23,717 My water broke. 1316 00:01:23,925 --> 00:01:27,986 Eversince then, I've had this cosmic connection with Neil. 1317 00:01:28,229 --> 00:01:30,026 But this story isn't about Neil. 1318 00:01:30,231 --> 00:01:33,723 It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D. 1319 00:01:34,235 --> 00:01:36,897 Best friends since fifth grade. 1320 00:01:39,073 --> 00:01:42,770 That's J.D. He's lactose intolerant. 1321 00:01:45,079 --> 00:01:46,910 And he's not very bright. 1322 00:01:47,615 --> 00:01:49,640 That's Darren Silverman. 1323 00:01:49,851 --> 00:01:51,409 He's a romantic. 1324 00:01:51,619 --> 00:01:55,020 But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible. 1325 00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,090 That's me, Wayne. 1326 00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:06,260 I'm loyal to my friends. 1327 00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:09,925 -I'd beat you up if you weren't a girl. -Me too. 1328 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,304 After that, I started working out. 1329 00:02:22,216 --> 00:02:25,014 We stayed best friends throughout high school. 1330 00:02:25,219 --> 00:02:27,779 I was the third-string quarterback. 1331 00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:31,790 J.D. became the school mascot. 1332 00:02:32,627 --> 00:02:36,119 Hey, what did you say I didn't really motherfucking hearyou 1333 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,060 Yeah, yeah you Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you 1334 00:02:40,468 --> 00:02:43,335 And Darrenjoined the cheerleading squad. 1335 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:48,808 Oh, that's Sandy. 1336 00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:51,807 Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her. 1337 00:02:52,814 --> 00:02:54,839 When you're up against a Warbird 1338 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,277 You're upside down! 1339 00:02:57,852 --> 00:02:59,444 Oh, that's Coach Norton. 1340 00:02:59,654 --> 00:03:03,090 He was a big influence in ourlives. He taught us many things. 1341 00:03:03,291 --> 00:03:05,657 Two things you got to remember, boys. 1342 00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:09,591 Number one: Stay away from women. 1343 00:03:09,797 --> 00:03:12,664 All they want from you is your man juice. 1344 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,024 Now... 1345 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:19,400 ...if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, use this. 1346 00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:23,837 -Oh, number two.... -Sportsmanship. 1347 00:03:24,045 --> 00:03:25,376 Sportsmanship. 1348 00:03:25,713 --> 00:03:27,476 Sportsmanship. 1349 00:03:30,451 --> 00:03:32,544 You fairy wimp fruit bag! 1350 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,244 You suck! 1351 00:03:37,158 --> 00:03:39,888 Le Fessier! Get out there! 1352 00:03:40,495 --> 00:03:42,725 I'm just gonna get my helmet. 1353 00:03:42,997 --> 00:03:45,488 Hey, guys! Guys, I'm in! 1354 00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:48,595 -See, he's going in! -Oh, my God! 1355 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,664 Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne! 1356 00:03:52,874 --> 00:03:56,002 Blue 48! Blue 48! 1357 00:03:56,210 --> 00:03:57,734 Go! Set! 1358 00:03:57,945 --> 00:03:59,003 Hike! 1359 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:10,015 But now we're all grown-up. 1360 00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:22,292 J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway. 1361 00:04:22,670 --> 00:04:24,968 Recently he was promoted... 1362 00:04:25,173 --> 00:04:29,041 ...to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training. 1363 00:04:29,243 --> 00:04:31,837 Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got. 1364 00:04:32,046 --> 00:04:37,177 I've been working on them for 8 weeks. I present the future of Subway. 1365 00:04:37,385 --> 00:04:38,647 Bellston... 1366 00:04:39,053 --> 00:04:41,886 ...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what? 1367 00:04:43,357 --> 00:04:46,554 -Big? -Like we practiced. You can do this. 1368 00:04:46,761 --> 00:04:48,058 L.... 1369 00:04:53,634 --> 00:04:55,124 Long! 1370 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,327 Okay, we'll come back to you. 1371 00:04:57,538 --> 00:05:00,268 This guy's my stinkiest student by far. 1372 00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,271 Trimball, let's see your sub. 1373 00:05:04,111 --> 00:05:06,705 No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside. 1374 00:05:08,249 --> 00:05:10,080 Okay, take it away. 1375 00:05:10,284 --> 00:05:12,047 Take it away! 1376 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,287 Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé. 1377 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:20,392 He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub. 1378 00:05:21,329 --> 00:05:23,490 Heston, where's the party sub? 1379 00:05:35,476 --> 00:05:38,536 Darren is a social director at a retirement home. 1380 00:05:38,746 --> 00:05:39,735 B-17. 1381 00:05:40,248 --> 00:05:41,510 Bingo. 1382 00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:43,414 Bingo. 1383 00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:45,178 Abe... 1384 00:05:45,419 --> 00:05:48,616 ...pull your pants up or no more Matlock. 1385 00:05:53,294 --> 00:05:54,727 I started my own business. 1386 00:05:57,832 --> 00:05:59,561 What are we dealing with here? 1387 00:06:00,201 --> 00:06:02,465 I don't know, but it sounds big. 1388 00:06:04,171 --> 00:06:05,934 Stay back. I'm going in. 1389 00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:13,202 Careful, sonny. 1390 00:06:19,453 --> 00:06:21,751 So you're causing all this trouble, huh? 1391 00:06:21,956 --> 00:06:22,945 Come here. 1392 00:06:23,157 --> 00:06:25,785 Hey there. Hello. 1393 00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:31,690 Here's the ferocious beast, huh? 1394 00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:35,291 Hey, where's your mommy? 1395 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,637 Get off! Get it off! 1396 00:06:52,987 --> 00:06:54,545 Is it dead? 1397 00:06:54,755 --> 00:06:55,881 No. 1398 00:06:56,090 --> 00:06:58,888 But she is in one deep coon coma. 1399 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:14,373 Stop it! 1400 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:19,477 But we all have one mystical thing in common: Ourlove forNeil. 1401 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,444 That's ourband, Diamonds in the Rough. 1402 00:08:18,172 --> 00:08:19,662 Hey, I'm Darren. 1403 00:08:19,907 --> 00:08:20,896 Sophie. 1404 00:08:21,108 --> 00:08:23,702 Do you, maybe, want to grab a drink with me? 1405 00:08:23,911 --> 00:08:26,209 I'm sorry. I'm involved. 1406 00:08:26,414 --> 00:08:28,143 With a real entertainer. 1407 00:08:37,591 --> 00:08:41,687 I can't believe I got blown off again. I'll never meet the right girl. 1408 00:08:41,929 --> 00:08:44,420 You don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime. 1409 00:08:44,632 --> 00:08:48,090 Dude, what does a mime look like when it's having sex anyway? 1410 00:08:48,302 --> 00:08:49,769 It's probably like: 1411 00:08:51,105 --> 00:08:54,506 "l'm a mime. I'm a mime." 1412 00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,676 Hey, mimes don't talk. 1413 00:08:58,779 --> 00:09:01,771 They do when they're off duty. 1414 00:09:03,017 --> 00:09:06,111 It's not her. It's all women. 1415 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,120 I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me. 1416 00:09:10,324 --> 00:09:12,189 The only girl I ever loved... 1417 00:09:12,393 --> 00:09:14,827 ...walked out of my life years ago. 1418 00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:16,456 Sandy Perkus. 1419 00:09:16,664 --> 00:09:18,131 -Rememberher? -Smile. 1420 00:09:18,332 --> 00:09:20,197 Her family was with the circus. 1421 00:09:20,468 --> 00:09:22,026 Her dad was The Strong Man. 1422 00:09:22,236 --> 00:09:24,033 Hermom was The Bearded Lady. 1423 00:09:24,238 --> 00:09:26,297 Herbrother was The Dog-faced Boy. 1424 00:09:27,675 --> 00:09:31,475 Before I mustered the courage to ask her out, she moved away. 1425 00:09:33,247 --> 00:09:34,976 You know, I truly believe... 1426 00:09:35,182 --> 00:09:39,642 ...that there is a one and only someone for everyone. 1427 00:09:39,987 --> 00:09:41,352 And Sandy... 1428 00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,484 ...Sandy Perkus... 1429 00:09:45,159 --> 00:09:47,059 ...was my one and only. 1430 00:09:47,361 --> 00:09:50,353 Man, that is so romantic. 1431 00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:52,861 Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass. 1432 00:09:56,871 --> 00:09:58,429 What do you think of her? 1433 00:09:59,039 --> 00:10:00,131 -Who? -Right there. 1434 00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:01,705 In the red? 1435 00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:05,403 -Yeah, she's gorgeous. -Go talk to her. 1436 00:10:05,613 --> 00:10:07,342 -No. -Okay, I'll do it for you. 1437 00:10:07,548 --> 00:10:09,038 What? Hey, wait. 1438 00:10:11,385 --> 00:10:12,716 Hi. I'm Wayne. 1439 00:10:13,053 --> 00:10:15,044 -No. -No, you don't understand. 1440 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:16,820 I'm not hitting on you. 1441 00:10:17,057 --> 00:10:18,046 Back off. 1442 00:10:18,259 --> 00:10:21,251 I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren. 1443 00:10:21,462 --> 00:10:23,191 He's smart, he's sensitive-- 1444 00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:25,524 -I don't care. -He'd make a great husband. 1445 00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:27,758 -I don't want to meet him. -Great. 1446 00:10:31,071 --> 00:10:34,336 Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. 1447 00:10:34,575 --> 00:10:36,133 -Really? -Yeah, she's like: 1448 00:10:36,343 --> 00:10:39,005 "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything. 1449 00:10:39,246 --> 00:10:40,713 -Are you sure? -Totally! 1450 00:10:40,915 --> 00:10:42,906 Get down there and make your move. 1451 00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:45,544 I don't know. 1452 00:10:45,753 --> 00:10:46,742 Come on! 1453 00:10:46,954 --> 00:10:49,286 -Carpe poon! -Really? 1454 00:10:51,926 --> 00:10:54,793 -Okay, I'll do it. -All right! 1455 00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:04,229 I'm Darren. 1456 00:11:05,673 --> 00:11:10,610 Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me. 1457 00:11:10,811 --> 00:11:11,971 He lied. 1458 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,544 That's a good one. 1459 00:11:15,349 --> 00:11:17,817 No, seriously. I don't want to meet you. 1460 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:28,218 My friend must have been mistaken. 1461 00:11:30,164 --> 00:11:32,564 I'm really sorry to bother you. 1462 00:11:37,438 --> 00:11:38,871 Let me guess. 1463 00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:43,043 That jerk tried to get into your pants with some tacky line. 1464 00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:44,772 I'm not like that. 1465 00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:46,445 I use magic. 1466 00:11:47,214 --> 00:11:48,340 Beat it, baldy. 1467 00:11:48,549 --> 00:11:51,313 Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that. 1468 00:11:51,518 --> 00:11:53,509 I have here two... 1469 00:11:53,721 --> 00:11:55,916 ...ordinary metal rings. 1470 00:11:56,123 --> 00:11:58,057 You and me. 1471 00:12:01,695 --> 00:12:02,684 I love you. 1472 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,421 Sorry, I forgot my beer. 1473 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:09,500 This is my boyfriend, Darren. So hit the bricks, porky. 1474 00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:12,302 Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren. 1475 00:12:12,506 --> 00:12:13,495 Satan. 1476 00:12:17,878 --> 00:12:20,403 I'm sorry about hitting on you before-- 1477 00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:22,377 -You should be. -I am. I am. 1478 00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:25,484 I just, I wasn't thinking in.... 1479 00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:29,550 You're so beautiful, and I.... 1480 00:12:31,492 --> 00:12:32,481 I'm sorry. 1481 00:12:33,427 --> 00:12:36,225 So make up for it. Buy me a drink. 1482 00:12:37,097 --> 00:12:39,224 -Yeah. Okay. -I'll have a Scotch. 1483 00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:42,300 Give the lady a Scotch, and I'll have another beer. 1484 00:12:42,503 --> 00:12:45,563 -He'll have a gin and tonic. -Make that a gin and tonic. 1485 00:12:49,109 --> 00:12:52,408 Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties? 1486 00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,374 They're just having a drink together. 1487 00:12:55,582 --> 00:12:59,143 It's not like they're going steady or anything. 1488 00:13:02,122 --> 00:13:04,488 It's midnight. You know what that means? 1489 00:13:04,692 --> 00:13:06,626 No. What? 1490 00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,657 It's our six-week anniversary. 1491 00:13:10,898 --> 00:13:13,093 -Did you get me anything? -No. 1492 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,063 That's okay. That's okay. 1493 00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:16,759 No big deal. But... 1494 00:13:18,272 --> 00:13:19,705 ...I... 1495 00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:22,705 ...got you a little something. 1496 00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:26,209 Thanks. That's really nice. 1497 00:13:32,119 --> 00:13:34,451 You know, I've been thinking. 1498 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:39,621 We've been together for a while now... 1499 00:13:39,827 --> 00:13:42,193 ...and it seems like maybe it's time... 1500 00:13:43,831 --> 00:13:47,494 ...we get a little more intimate. 1501 00:13:48,802 --> 00:13:51,032 Are you saying you want to have sex? 1502 00:13:52,973 --> 00:13:54,463 Yeah, I am. 1503 00:13:54,675 --> 00:13:58,634 I don't believe in premarital sex. I'd rather not cheapen what we have. 1504 00:13:58,846 --> 00:14:02,111 Of course. Of course not. Me neither. 1505 00:14:02,316 --> 00:14:04,307 -So it's best to wait. -You're right. 1506 00:14:04,518 --> 00:14:07,885 I think-- I mean, you're-- It's best. 1507 00:14:08,922 --> 00:14:10,150 But... 1508 00:14:10,591 --> 00:14:12,923 ...that doesn't mean that we can't... 1509 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,988 ...pleasure each other in other ways. 1510 00:14:22,102 --> 00:14:23,626 I got you. 1511 00:14:23,837 --> 00:14:25,395 Oh, I got you. 1512 00:14:37,317 --> 00:14:39,478 That was really great. 1513 00:14:39,820 --> 00:14:41,048 Thanks. 1514 00:14:43,357 --> 00:14:45,757 That got me pretty excited. 1515 00:14:47,327 --> 00:14:48,919 That's nice. 1516 00:14:49,129 --> 00:14:53,725 I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me. 1517 00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:57,035 Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you. 1518 00:14:59,473 --> 00:15:01,532 I would love to, but I can't. 1519 00:15:01,742 --> 00:15:04,438 I have very, very sensitive gums. 1520 00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:10,311 You have gums-- It's a medical condition. 1521 00:15:11,385 --> 00:15:14,616 I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No. 1522 00:15:15,155 --> 00:15:16,713 You're so sweet. 1523 00:15:22,029 --> 00:15:26,898 You know, there are other ways to give me pleasure without using your mouth. 1524 00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:30,260 Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry. 1525 00:15:30,504 --> 00:15:33,735 No, that's fine. That's fine. 1526 00:15:38,545 --> 00:15:40,035 Have fun. 1527 00:15:44,218 --> 00:15:46,880 -Watch your head. -This place is a dump. 1528 00:15:48,088 --> 00:15:50,283 I really don't want to do this. 1529 00:15:51,258 --> 00:15:56,059 It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual and I want you to be part of it. 1530 00:15:56,263 --> 00:16:00,393 I want you to get to know these guys. You'll love them, honey. 1531 00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:06,005 -Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude? -What's up, J.D.? 1532 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,175 Judy, awesome to meet you. 1533 00:16:09,409 --> 00:16:10,637 Judith. 1534 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:13,904 Judith. And a beer bong for the lady? 1535 00:16:14,248 --> 00:16:16,045 -No. -Totally cool. 1536 00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,445 No peer pressure. 1537 00:16:24,625 --> 00:16:28,083 Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in. 1538 00:16:29,129 --> 00:16:30,528 Check it out. Chewie. 1539 00:16:32,332 --> 00:16:33,697 You want a drink? 1540 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,101 -Scotch on the rocks. -You want ice? 1541 00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:38,271 I'll help you with that. 1542 00:16:39,439 --> 00:16:41,964 Hey, Judith. Can I give you the grand tour? 1543 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,478 Let's start right here in the "Hall o' Neil." 1544 00:16:45,779 --> 00:16:49,647 This is Neil, '74. Check this out. 1545 00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:53,886 This is a set list from the Millennium Concert. Look: 1546 00:16:54,121 --> 00:16:56,453 Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay. 1547 00:16:57,291 --> 00:16:58,781 Looks like a Xerox. 1548 00:16:58,992 --> 00:17:02,393 No. This cost a lot of money. Check this out. 1549 00:17:02,629 --> 00:17:05,063 -I think you got taken. -Ready? 1550 00:17:05,299 --> 00:17:06,698 This shirt... 1551 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,663 ...was worn by Neil... 1552 00:17:10,037 --> 00:17:11,698 ...in concert. 1553 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:14,305 Check it out. We snuck backstage... 1554 00:17:14,508 --> 00:17:18,069 ...and totally stole it from him while he was taking a whiz. 1555 00:17:18,278 --> 00:17:21,270 In my profession, we call your obsession with Neil... 1556 00:17:21,481 --> 00:17:23,813 ...a delusional projection fantasy. 1557 00:17:24,017 --> 00:17:28,647 Yeah, sure. But he's America's greatest songwriter and he's our hero. 1558 00:17:28,855 --> 00:17:31,449 And he's playing the Forum in two weeks. 1559 00:17:31,658 --> 00:17:36,220 Of course, we can't go because of the whole restraining order thing. 1560 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,835 Neil, I love you! 1561 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,096 You again! 1562 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,308 Neil! Where are you going? 1563 00:17:54,514 --> 00:17:58,450 I want to party with you. I want to party with you! 1564 00:18:00,354 --> 00:18:00,420 Game's on. 1565 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:01,682 Game's on. 1566 00:18:04,725 --> 00:18:06,590 -Give me the remote. -I want to go. 1567 00:18:06,793 --> 00:18:08,727 -Give me a beer. -We just got here. 1568 00:18:08,929 --> 00:18:10,419 These guys are pigs. 1569 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,031 Come on. No, they're not that-- 1570 00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:15,966 Hey! What are you doing? 1571 00:18:16,203 --> 00:18:20,435 Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho. 1572 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:25,203 Okay, look. Why don't we just stay for a little bit, okay? 1573 00:18:26,079 --> 00:18:28,172 Oh, take mine. Take mine. 1574 00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:30,178 Give her the old sweep-a-roo. 1575 00:18:30,384 --> 00:18:33,683 Old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together. 1576 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,217 Enjoy. 1577 00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:39,057 I'll help you. She has multiple reclining positions. 1578 00:18:39,259 --> 00:18:41,227 -I can sit forward. -It's stuck. 1579 00:18:41,895 --> 00:18:43,829 -It's fine. -Takes a little muscle. 1580 00:18:44,064 --> 00:18:46,692 Come on, you fucking piece of shit. 1581 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,061 -I don't need-- -It's no trouble. 1582 00:18:50,737 --> 00:18:51,704 Are you okay? 1583 00:18:51,905 --> 00:18:54,669 I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens. 1584 00:18:54,908 --> 00:18:57,172 You know what? I think I-- Yep. 1585 00:18:57,411 --> 00:19:00,346 It's the lug nut. Fixed it. Please have a seat. 1586 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,815 I'll stand. 1587 00:19:03,583 --> 00:19:04,845 I'm a-- 1588 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:10,020 -Sorry. -Get me something. 1589 00:19:13,627 --> 00:19:17,085 So Darren tells me you're a psychologist. 1590 00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:19,992 -That's right. -Interesting. 1591 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,758 I'm in a related field. 1592 00:19:22,102 --> 00:19:23,433 Really? What's that? 1593 00:19:23,737 --> 00:19:25,432 Pest and rodent removal. 1594 00:19:25,939 --> 00:19:27,839 How is that related? 1595 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:29,804 We both help people. 1596 00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:33,173 While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs... 1597 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,713 ...I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish.... 1598 00:19:36,950 --> 00:19:38,144 He launched it. 1599 00:19:38,885 --> 00:19:40,182 Touchdown! 1600 00:19:51,798 --> 00:19:55,199 I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren! 1601 00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:57,131 But they're my best friends. 1602 00:19:57,370 --> 00:20:01,534 You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band. 1603 00:20:01,875 --> 00:20:06,175 I know you're upset. I do. But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D... 1604 00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:08,506 ...and I'm not quitting the band. 1605 00:20:09,049 --> 00:20:11,210 Okay, fine. No more sex. 1606 00:20:11,618 --> 00:20:12,550 What? 1607 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,744 You're not allowed to go down on me for one month. 1608 00:20:14,955 --> 00:20:16,013 No, Judith, please-- 1609 00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:19,852 Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges. 1610 00:20:41,548 --> 00:20:45,507 You go, boys. You sing this song. You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it! 1611 00:20:45,719 --> 00:20:48,187 -Sing it! -This blows, man. 1612 00:20:49,990 --> 00:20:52,584 Judith's out of control. We gotta do something. 1613 00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,853 Besides ruining the band, what else has she done? 1614 00:20:56,062 --> 00:20:59,498 Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life. 1615 00:20:59,699 --> 00:21:02,930 She didn't like his ass. Made him get butt-cheek implants. 1616 00:21:08,074 --> 00:21:10,634 I thought his ass looked tighter. 1617 00:21:10,877 --> 00:21:12,640 Check this out. Last night... 1618 00:21:13,213 --> 00:21:15,545 ...torched his Neil Diamond albums. 1619 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,309 She torched Neil? 1620 00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,522 You're right. She's a monster. 1621 00:21:25,725 --> 00:21:27,625 Two, three, four. 1622 00:21:45,979 --> 00:21:47,537 -Hey! -Yes! 1623 00:21:47,747 --> 00:21:50,113 -Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. -It's all right. 1624 00:21:50,317 --> 00:21:53,081 I only have a minute. I have to wax Judith's legs. 1625 00:21:53,286 --> 00:21:55,754 -We miss you. -We never see you anymore. 1626 00:21:55,956 --> 00:21:57,389 I know, I'm sorry... 1627 00:21:57,591 --> 00:22:00,924 ...but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith. 1628 00:22:01,127 --> 00:22:03,357 Plus, my relationship counseling sessions-- 1629 00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:04,655 Counseling? 1630 00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:07,732 Yeah. I go two hours, three times a week. 1631 00:22:07,934 --> 00:22:09,663 Oh. Who's your counselor? 1632 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:10,894 Judith. 1633 00:22:11,104 --> 00:22:13,334 We don't think she's right for you. 1634 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,030 Break up with her. 1635 00:22:15,275 --> 00:22:17,800 She's ruining our lives and yours. 1636 00:22:18,011 --> 00:22:20,104 This graph should illustrate our point. 1637 00:22:20,313 --> 00:22:24,716 Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high: 93. 1638 00:22:24,951 --> 00:22:26,714 It is now an eight. 1639 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,013 Band numbers have plunged dramatically. 1640 00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:33,921 Girls, never very high, at nine. But look now. Two! 1641 00:22:34,127 --> 00:22:36,220 This has led to increased wanking off. 1642 00:22:36,463 --> 00:22:37,953 I'm chafing. 1643 00:22:39,299 --> 00:22:41,426 Shit, I gotta go home and heat the wax. 1644 00:22:41,635 --> 00:22:45,332 Guys, listen. Thanks for your concern, really. 1645 00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:49,304 I miss you too. But it was great seeing you, all right? 1646 00:22:55,982 --> 00:22:58,314 That guy's in serious trouble. 1647 00:22:59,152 --> 00:23:01,120 We need to save him. 1648 00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:04,856 Sorry to bother you. 1649 00:23:05,058 --> 00:23:06,650 What are you doing here? 1650 00:23:07,327 --> 00:23:09,591 We want to apologize for the beer shower. 1651 00:23:09,829 --> 00:23:11,763 And the salsa bath. That was bad. 1652 00:23:11,998 --> 00:23:15,229 -Get the hell out of here. -Just give us a minute, okay? 1653 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,460 My rate is $200 an hour. 1654 00:23:18,338 --> 00:23:19,999 Do you have any money? 1655 00:23:20,674 --> 00:23:22,164 I got some of that. 1656 00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,241 Just give me the big bills. 1657 00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:28,805 Six. Is that all you have? 1658 00:23:29,015 --> 00:23:30,846 Thirty. $7.38. 1659 00:23:34,554 --> 00:23:36,215 Two and a half minutes. 1660 00:23:36,923 --> 00:23:40,825 We don't want you seeing Darren. We don't think you're right for him. 1661 00:23:41,027 --> 00:23:42,221 The band needs him. 1662 00:23:42,429 --> 00:23:45,660 -But we're prepared to buy you off. -With what? 1663 00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:48,934 My house. 1664 00:23:49,202 --> 00:23:50,760 Okay? Look. 1665 00:23:51,905 --> 00:23:56,001 My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard. 1666 00:23:56,576 --> 00:23:57,873 There's my mom... 1667 00:23:58,078 --> 00:24:00,546 ...there's my dad and there's me. 1668 00:24:01,214 --> 00:24:04,775 My dad was dropping me on my head. But... 1669 00:24:05,285 --> 00:24:08,777 ...we're willing to sign this over to you... 1670 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:11,549 ...if you just agree not to see Darren. 1671 00:24:11,758 --> 00:24:14,420 I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma. 1672 00:24:15,095 --> 00:24:17,791 I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much... 1673 00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,431 ...but he's hung like a horse. 1674 00:24:19,632 --> 00:24:20,929 It's true. 1675 00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:24,330 Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it. 1676 00:24:24,537 --> 00:24:28,234 I own him. He does whatever I say. I'm in complete control of him. 1677 00:24:28,441 --> 00:24:31,308 He's my puppet and I'm his puppet master. 1678 00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:33,206 You're not taking Darren away! 1679 00:24:33,413 --> 00:24:34,505 Just try to stop me. 1680 00:24:37,050 --> 00:24:38,745 One round, winner takes Darren. 1681 00:24:38,952 --> 00:24:40,044 -You're on. -Kick her ass. 1682 00:24:40,253 --> 00:24:41,345 Go. 1683 00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:45,847 You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator. 1684 00:24:46,059 --> 00:24:48,721 My guess is three times a day? 1685 00:24:48,928 --> 00:24:50,919 I bet you're a premature ejaculator. 1686 00:24:51,131 --> 00:24:52,962 You start off with a big bang. 1687 00:24:53,166 --> 00:24:55,498 Before you know it, you're limp. 1688 00:24:55,935 --> 00:24:59,166 -I win, you lose. Now get out. -God! 1689 00:25:09,115 --> 00:25:10,548 Hey, check it out. 1690 00:25:14,387 --> 00:25:15,786 Hey, baby. 1691 00:25:16,022 --> 00:25:18,388 Hello, ladies. 1692 00:25:19,025 --> 00:25:20,356 So how much? 1693 00:25:20,894 --> 00:25:24,352 Fifty bucks for you, and 200 for your friend. 1694 00:25:26,499 --> 00:25:28,160 -Okay. -All right. 1695 00:25:28,835 --> 00:25:31,531 I want you to laugh like he just said something. 1696 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,964 Perfect! 1697 00:25:35,308 --> 00:25:38,505 Get this one. Be like this. Like this. 1698 00:25:38,711 --> 00:25:39,575 Douche, douche. 1699 00:25:39,946 --> 00:25:42,005 Yeah, you. Slap his ass. 1700 00:25:44,651 --> 00:25:46,642 That's not sexy. 1701 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:57,757 Watch it. 1702 00:26:00,366 --> 00:26:02,163 You're moving my guy! 1703 00:26:08,541 --> 00:26:10,475 Lookit. Lookit. 1704 00:26:15,348 --> 00:26:16,576 Good. 1705 00:26:19,586 --> 00:26:21,110 -Awesome. -Check this out. 1706 00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:28,124 Mail, check. Go. Don't look back. 1707 00:26:29,295 --> 00:26:30,284 Hurry up. Come on. 1708 00:26:31,598 --> 00:26:33,293 Hi, Judith. How's it going? 1709 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:36,663 Not so good. Look at these. 1710 00:26:39,205 --> 00:26:40,536 Oh, my God. 1711 00:26:42,575 --> 00:26:43,803 He's sick. 1712 00:26:44,010 --> 00:26:44,874 He's perverted. 1713 00:26:45,078 --> 00:26:48,241 -He's cheating on you. -With two chicks. 1714 00:26:48,448 --> 00:26:50,678 I don't know. I guess I'd dump him? 1715 00:26:50,884 --> 00:26:52,875 -Oh, totally. -Right? 1716 00:26:53,419 --> 00:26:57,219 Do you guys notice anything weird about these photos? 1717 00:26:57,457 --> 00:26:59,618 No, that's Darren, all right. 1718 00:27:02,328 --> 00:27:04,728 Darren doesn't have a tattoo. 1719 00:27:06,733 --> 00:27:07,859 Nice try, idiots. 1720 00:27:08,468 --> 00:27:10,959 If I ever see you near Darren again... 1721 00:27:11,404 --> 00:27:12,803 ...I'll kill you. 1722 00:27:24,484 --> 00:27:28,944 Thanks for meeting me here. I have something important to say. 1723 00:27:29,155 --> 00:27:31,089 Oh, man. You broke up? 1724 00:27:31,324 --> 00:27:32,621 No. 1725 00:27:33,826 --> 00:27:37,922 Out of the blue, Judith proposed to me. We're engaged. 1726 00:27:38,164 --> 00:27:41,190 -What? -Dude, congratulations. 1727 00:27:42,335 --> 00:27:45,463 Starting next week, I'll be Mr. Darren Fessbeggler. 1728 00:27:45,672 --> 00:27:49,039 Right, because you're gonna take her last name, huh? 1729 00:27:49,242 --> 00:27:50,266 Yeah, well... 1730 00:27:50,510 --> 00:27:54,002 ...Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here... 1731 00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:57,479 ...that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name. 1732 00:27:58,685 --> 00:28:00,744 Anyway, it's too late to change it. 1733 00:28:00,954 --> 00:28:03,855 We've already ordered the monogrammed towels. 1734 00:28:04,357 --> 00:28:05,790 Darren. 1735 00:28:06,125 --> 00:28:07,422 Sandy? 1736 00:28:07,627 --> 00:28:08,924 Sandy Perkus. 1737 00:28:09,128 --> 00:28:12,359 Oh, my God, Darren. It's been so long. 1738 00:28:12,565 --> 00:28:13,964 Yeah, it has. 1739 00:28:15,235 --> 00:28:16,259 Hey, it's Wayne. 1740 00:28:16,469 --> 00:28:19,029 High school, remember? You remember? 1741 00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:29,109 Right! The senior talent show. 1742 00:28:29,315 --> 00:28:32,216 Yeah, you were booed off the stage. 1743 00:28:33,453 --> 00:28:34,818 That was me. 1744 00:28:35,054 --> 00:28:37,352 Yep. Sandy, remember me? J.D. McNugent? 1745 00:28:38,057 --> 00:28:39,786 I went to the prom... 1746 00:28:39,993 --> 00:28:43,019 ...with a tuxedo painted on my naked body. 1747 00:28:43,229 --> 00:28:45,288 Oh, I guess I missed it. 1748 00:28:45,665 --> 00:28:50,068 I spilled a drink and the paint ran and everyone could see my dong. 1749 00:28:50,436 --> 00:28:52,904 It doesn't ring a bell. 1750 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,869 Remember, in science, I was lighting farts with the Bunsen burner... 1751 00:28:58,077 --> 00:29:00,341 ...and I singed my ball sac? 1752 00:29:01,914 --> 00:29:02,972 No. 1753 00:29:03,249 --> 00:29:06,878 Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut. 1754 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,844 Sucks. 1755 00:29:10,256 --> 00:29:12,190 So how are you? 1756 00:29:12,425 --> 00:29:15,155 Great. Great. I just moved back to town. 1757 00:29:15,361 --> 00:29:16,988 Oh, wow, that's great. 1758 00:29:17,764 --> 00:29:21,666 Gosh, you know, I have to go, but it was great seeing you. 1759 00:29:21,868 --> 00:29:24,462 Yeah, same here. Me too. 1760 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,439 -See you. -Take care. 1761 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:29,767 -Okay, bye. -Awesome. 1762 00:29:29,976 --> 00:29:32,376 Yeah, bye. Bye. 1763 00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,012 Oh, my God. 1764 00:29:36,215 --> 00:29:37,739 -This is it! -What? 1765 00:29:37,950 --> 00:29:42,114 It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life. 1766 00:29:42,622 --> 00:29:46,023 You even said so yourself. She was your one and only someone! 1767 00:29:46,225 --> 00:29:49,456 She used to be. Now Judith is my one and only someone. 1768 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:52,631 I'll talk to you guys later. Okay? 1769 00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,302 Isn't "one and only" like, one... 1770 00:29:57,704 --> 00:29:59,137 ...and only? 1771 00:30:06,245 --> 00:30:08,839 -Here's your drink. -Where's the lemon wedge? 1772 00:30:09,048 --> 00:30:11,539 We're out of lemons, but I'll run to the store-- 1773 00:30:11,751 --> 00:30:14,743 Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people. 1774 00:30:15,555 --> 00:30:18,319 Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA. 1775 00:30:18,524 --> 00:30:20,992 Wow, that is exciting. 1776 00:30:21,194 --> 00:30:22,821 This is my fiancé, Darren. 1777 00:30:23,029 --> 00:30:24,428 -Pleased to meet you. -Same. 1778 00:30:24,630 --> 00:30:26,359 -Congratulations. -Thank you. 1779 00:30:26,566 --> 00:30:27,863 Excuse me, I'll get it. 1780 00:30:34,507 --> 00:30:38,204 Is Darren here? I think he left his Vespa helmet. 1781 00:30:38,411 --> 00:30:39,400 What's going on? 1782 00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:41,813 We're having our engagement party. 1783 00:30:42,014 --> 00:30:46,747 Oh, then I guess our invitations must've been lost in the mail. 1784 00:30:46,953 --> 00:30:48,545 No. 1785 00:30:48,788 --> 00:30:52,485 I think it's very possible she didn't even send us invitations. 1786 00:30:54,327 --> 00:30:56,955 -Thanks for stopping by. -Who's Darren talking to? 1787 00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:59,365 Those are his new friends. 1788 00:31:02,502 --> 00:31:04,595 -I'll have a merlot. -A spritzer. 1789 00:31:05,304 --> 00:31:08,205 -We don't work here. -You fooled me. 1790 00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:11,070 -My name's Brett, this is Clayton. -This is Darren. 1791 00:31:11,277 --> 00:31:14,212 Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton. 1792 00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:18,043 -Darren's our friend, Brett. -We knew him first. 1793 00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:20,082 Fuck you, replacement friend! 1794 00:31:20,286 --> 00:31:22,914 Eat this, fake Wayne! 1795 00:31:26,993 --> 00:31:28,551 Stop it! Do something! 1796 00:31:35,301 --> 00:31:36,325 Get out of here! 1797 00:31:43,743 --> 00:31:45,267 Hey, this isn't over yet! 1798 00:31:45,478 --> 00:31:47,241 We're not giving up on Darren! 1799 00:31:55,021 --> 00:31:57,387 She thinks this gig is over. 1800 00:31:57,590 --> 00:31:59,353 It's not over. No! 1801 00:31:59,592 --> 00:32:02,925 But we are taking this into overtime! 1802 00:32:03,963 --> 00:32:05,988 Yeah! Okay, strategy session. 1803 00:32:06,499 --> 00:32:09,662 -Okay, our enemy is wicked. -Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. 1804 00:32:09,869 --> 00:32:11,632 -No, Damien. -Dude, she's Vader. 1805 00:32:11,838 --> 00:32:13,567 No, she is the Emperor! 1806 00:32:13,773 --> 00:32:15,263 But with really great tits. 1807 00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,842 Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl. 1808 00:32:19,045 --> 00:32:20,945 -She's a sweetheart. -Dude, a saint. 1809 00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:22,444 -A goddess. -A princess. 1810 00:32:22,648 --> 00:32:25,481 You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa. 1811 00:32:25,685 --> 00:32:27,243 But with way better tits. 1812 00:32:27,453 --> 00:32:30,911 And Darren loves Sandy no matter what he says. 1813 00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:32,090 Definitely. 1814 00:32:32,291 --> 00:32:35,260 That's why we have to intervene and fix the problem! 1815 00:32:35,461 --> 00:32:37,486 -Definitely! -All right! 1816 00:32:38,297 --> 00:32:41,892 We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy. 1817 00:32:44,637 --> 00:32:45,797 What? 1818 00:32:51,644 --> 00:32:54,044 The bat is leaving the cave. 1819 00:32:54,814 --> 00:32:56,748 Roger that. 1820 00:33:13,733 --> 00:33:17,328 Alarm system has been deactivated. Out. 1821 00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:19,004 Roger that. 1822 00:33:19,906 --> 00:33:21,703 Dude, you don't have to do the-- 1823 00:33:21,908 --> 00:33:24,502 --sound. It already does that. Out. 1824 00:33:24,710 --> 00:33:26,701 Copy that. I'm not going to make the-- 1825 00:33:26,913 --> 00:33:29,677 --sound after I say stuff from now on. 1826 00:33:31,050 --> 00:33:32,176 Shady McNugent... 1827 00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,682 ...over and out. 1828 00:33:34,687 --> 00:33:36,450 That was the last one. 1829 00:33:47,700 --> 00:33:50,760 -I'm scared. What if we get caught? -Not gonna happen. 1830 00:33:57,076 --> 00:33:58,703 I'm hungry. 1831 00:33:59,312 --> 00:34:00,677 We'll eat later. 1832 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,577 -Can we go to Happy Burger? -Yes, after the kidnapping. 1833 00:34:04,784 --> 00:34:07,082 I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with-- 1834 00:34:08,955 --> 00:34:10,547 With cheese. 1835 00:34:26,906 --> 00:34:28,339 What? 1836 00:34:36,849 --> 00:34:41,115 You go downstairs and I'll check upstairs. Do the Navy SEAL signals. 1837 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:44,255 I only know the Air Force signals. 1838 00:34:44,890 --> 00:34:46,482 I'll be on the lookout. 1839 00:34:46,759 --> 00:34:47,987 God! 1840 00:34:55,935 --> 00:34:58,768 -I haven't located heryet. -Me neither. 1841 00:34:59,405 --> 00:35:00,531 Keep checking. 1842 00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:05,372 Wait a second. I think I see something in the back of the refrig-- 1843 00:35:06,045 --> 00:35:07,603 In the back of the closet. 1844 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,308 Check it out. 1845 00:35:09,782 --> 00:35:11,943 Nope. Coast is clear. 1846 00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:16,588 I'll keep looking down here, buddy. You keep an eye peeled up there. 1847 00:35:33,939 --> 00:35:34,997 Oh, shit. 1848 00:35:36,842 --> 00:35:37,831 What is it? 1849 00:35:38,077 --> 00:35:40,739 I'm hit. I need backup. 1850 00:35:41,681 --> 00:35:42,875 I'm coming. 1851 00:35:46,318 --> 00:35:47,546 What happ-- 1852 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:15,707 Help! 1853 00:36:31,864 --> 00:36:33,798 Dead leg. 1854 00:36:36,035 --> 00:36:37,866 Help me, Wayne. 1855 00:36:44,677 --> 00:36:46,144 Oh, my God. 1856 00:36:59,325 --> 00:37:02,522 Get the door. Get the door. Door. 1857 00:37:33,526 --> 00:37:36,120 Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done. 1858 00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:38,521 Don't call, write, e-mail or fax. 1859 00:37:38,731 --> 00:37:41,859 I never want to see your face oryour fake butt again. 1860 00:38:13,265 --> 00:38:14,425 Okay, get down there. 1861 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:16,968 Dude, wait. Why me? 1862 00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:21,071 Because you're guarding Judith. I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy. 1863 00:38:21,273 --> 00:38:24,333 But when we let her go, she'll be able to identify me. 1864 00:38:24,577 --> 00:38:28,274 No. She won't be able to because you'll be wearing this. 1865 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,507 But after we let her go, the cops will look for a guy dressed as a bird. 1866 00:38:32,751 --> 00:38:34,981 -So? -So, what am I gonna wear to work? 1867 00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:36,381 Your work clothes. 1868 00:38:36,589 --> 00:38:38,648 But tomorrow's casual Friday. 1869 00:38:39,191 --> 00:38:41,421 Get downstairs! 1870 00:38:48,067 --> 00:38:49,364 Who the hell are you? 1871 00:39:09,655 --> 00:39:12,453 Thanks for meeting me. I called you out of the blue-- 1872 00:39:12,658 --> 00:39:16,617 That's okay. I love catching up with old high school friends. 1873 00:39:16,829 --> 00:39:18,660 -Are you single? -Yes. 1874 00:39:18,864 --> 00:39:22,994 Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman. 1875 00:39:23,202 --> 00:39:24,601 He's a really good guy. 1876 00:39:24,837 --> 00:39:27,704 You know what? He works with the elderly. 1877 00:39:27,907 --> 00:39:29,169 Really? 1878 00:39:29,508 --> 00:39:32,739 -That is so sweet. -He still talks about you. 1879 00:39:32,945 --> 00:39:33,934 There's something-- 1880 00:39:34,179 --> 00:39:37,740 He even writes poems about you. In fact... 1881 00:39:38,250 --> 00:39:39,512 ...I think he loves you. 1882 00:39:40,019 --> 00:39:42,419 Wayne, I'm gonna become a nun. 1883 00:39:44,790 --> 00:39:46,985 In a week, I take my final vows. 1884 00:39:47,192 --> 00:39:50,593 I didn't even know that you were religious. 1885 00:39:50,796 --> 00:39:52,423 I wasn't in high school. 1886 00:39:52,631 --> 00:39:56,397 But after I graduated, I joined my parents in the circus. 1887 00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:58,263 And I became a trapeze artist. 1888 00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:02,907 I fell in love with mypartner, Luigi Panini. 1889 00:40:03,108 --> 00:40:07,067 Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi! 1890 00:40:07,313 --> 00:40:10,043 And everything was perfect until.... 1891 00:40:10,249 --> 00:40:12,444 Talent scouts were in the audience. 1892 00:40:12,751 --> 00:40:14,776 Luigi wanted to impress them. 1893 00:40:14,987 --> 00:40:18,286 He was a great trapeze artist, but he was completely vain. 1894 00:40:18,490 --> 00:40:21,357 And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt... 1895 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,187 ...in the history of trapeze... 1896 00:40:23,395 --> 00:40:26,057 ...the Quadruple Bierman. 1897 00:40:41,780 --> 00:40:43,771 Luigi! 1898 00:40:46,085 --> 00:40:48,144 -Wow. -Yeah. 1899 00:40:48,354 --> 00:40:52,484 After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again. 1900 00:40:52,691 --> 00:40:57,355 That's when I decided to devote my life to serving God and helping others. 1901 00:40:57,596 --> 00:41:01,498 So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right? 1902 00:41:01,934 --> 00:41:06,701 -Right. -So technically, you're not a nun yet. 1903 00:41:06,939 --> 00:41:09,305 Well, no. I mean, not yet. 1904 00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:12,272 So why not then just have lunch with Darren? 1905 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,841 I can't figure out why Judith left. 1906 00:41:17,049 --> 00:41:20,507 It doesn't make any sense. She didn't even take her clothes. 1907 00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,587 Maybe she went where she didn't need clothes: a nudist colony. 1908 00:41:24,790 --> 00:41:27,156 -I don't think so. -Maybe she got kidnapped. 1909 00:41:27,693 --> 00:41:29,558 -You think? -No. 1910 00:41:29,795 --> 00:41:31,888 Definitely not. That's impossible. 1911 00:41:32,131 --> 00:41:35,396 It's like, why would that happen in a world? 1912 00:41:35,768 --> 00:41:37,429 Maybe she's a lesbo. 1913 00:41:37,903 --> 00:41:38,801 Come on. 1914 00:41:39,004 --> 00:41:41,097 Maybe she's a herm. 1915 00:41:42,474 --> 00:41:44,465 -What? -A hermaphrodite. 1916 00:41:44,676 --> 00:41:46,701 Little dick, little puss. 1917 00:41:50,449 --> 00:41:52,747 -Guess who I bumped into today. -Who? 1918 00:41:52,951 --> 00:41:56,478 Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you. 1919 00:41:56,688 --> 00:41:59,521 -I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne. -She dumped you, dude. 1920 00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:02,694 Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt? 1921 00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:05,455 No way. Judith's coming back. 1922 00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:07,396 What if she doesn't? 1923 00:42:07,633 --> 00:42:10,625 As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her. 1924 00:42:10,836 --> 00:42:12,463 Okay? Okay? 1925 00:42:17,876 --> 00:42:20,902 I got it. Crowbar me. 1926 00:42:24,049 --> 00:42:25,141 Oh, my God. 1927 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,716 -What is it? -This dead chick is really stacked. 1928 00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:35,583 Okay, go, go. Go. 1929 00:42:37,096 --> 00:42:39,064 -What are you doing? -Jacket's caught. 1930 00:42:39,264 --> 00:42:40,424 Take it off! 1931 00:42:40,666 --> 00:42:42,258 I love this jacket! 1932 00:42:43,001 --> 00:42:43,990 Lose it! 1933 00:43:01,019 --> 00:43:05,012 Damn! That was my favorite jacket. 1934 00:43:08,927 --> 00:43:11,953 In a bizarre incident last night, Judith Fessbeggler... 1935 00:43:12,164 --> 00:43:14,962 ...was incinerated beyond recognition when herBMW... 1936 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:16,929 ...careened offa cliff. 1937 00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:21,539 Investigators have declared it an accident. No foul play is suspected. 1938 00:43:23,542 --> 00:43:26,978 In unrelated news, the body of deceased local Joan Snerd... 1939 00:43:27,212 --> 00:43:31,808 ...was dug up in a grave robbing last night. Police arrested three Cubans. 1940 00:43:43,328 --> 00:43:46,456 -Why are you doing this? -So you can eat and have clothes. 1941 00:43:47,432 --> 00:43:49,161 No, why did you kidnap me? 1942 00:43:49,401 --> 00:43:51,232 I'm not supposed to tell you. 1943 00:43:51,503 --> 00:43:54,233 Oh, I get it. The other guy's the boss. 1944 00:43:55,807 --> 00:43:58,674 No, I make decisions too. 1945 00:43:59,011 --> 00:44:00,740 I suggested that. 1946 00:44:01,313 --> 00:44:02,712 An outhouse. Clever. 1947 00:44:02,915 --> 00:44:03,882 Thanks. 1948 00:44:04,082 --> 00:44:06,710 -You must be very well-educated. -I suppose. 1949 00:44:06,919 --> 00:44:08,910 -Ivy League? -More or less. 1950 00:44:09,121 --> 00:44:12,181 -Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton? -S.U. 1951 00:44:12,424 --> 00:44:13,857 Oh, Stanford University? 1952 00:44:16,128 --> 00:44:18,119 Subway University. 1953 00:44:18,330 --> 00:44:22,266 I knew someone who went there. Did you know J.D. McNugent? 1954 00:44:22,467 --> 00:44:26,335 No. No. Never heard of such a person, ever. 1955 00:44:27,873 --> 00:44:30,865 -See you later, J.D. -Take it easy, Judith. 1956 00:44:32,778 --> 00:44:34,405 Goddamn it! 1957 00:44:34,613 --> 00:44:38,014 -She knows who we are?! -There was nothing I could do. 1958 00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:41,744 She used her super-intellect on me. She's like Hannibal Lecter. 1959 00:44:41,954 --> 00:44:45,788 -Great. Now we can't let her go. -So, what are we going to do? 1960 00:44:47,326 --> 00:44:48,588 -Coach. -Coach! 1961 00:44:48,794 --> 00:44:51,422 If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback... 1962 00:44:51,630 --> 00:44:54,622 ...and the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had. 1963 00:44:54,833 --> 00:44:56,698 Lookit, he's still got it! 1964 00:44:58,036 --> 00:45:01,528 It's good seeing you boys. Thank you for coming to my trial. 1965 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:05,141 No problem. We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf. 1966 00:45:05,344 --> 00:45:07,972 That ref blew. He deserved what he got. 1967 00:45:11,850 --> 00:45:13,147 Touchdown! 1968 00:45:13,518 --> 00:45:15,884 No touchdown. He's out-of-bounds. 1969 00:45:16,321 --> 00:45:17,913 -What?! -He's out-of-bounds. 1970 00:45:32,571 --> 00:45:37,372 You think after you get out of prison they'll let you get your old job back? 1971 00:45:37,576 --> 00:45:40,340 Well, boys, I don't think so. 1972 00:45:40,545 --> 00:45:42,308 So when will they let you out? 1973 00:45:42,514 --> 00:45:46,041 Well, I've got an appeal pending, but it doesn't look good. 1974 00:45:46,251 --> 00:45:49,345 The victim's whiny family's protesting. 1975 00:45:49,554 --> 00:45:51,613 What's their damn problem? 1976 00:45:52,224 --> 00:45:53,987 So, what brings you boys here? 1977 00:45:54,192 --> 00:45:56,251 Well, coach, we need your advice. 1978 00:45:56,461 --> 00:45:57,758 Okay, shoot. 1979 00:45:57,963 --> 00:46:00,523 Darren fell in love with this girl, Judith. 1980 00:46:00,732 --> 00:46:03,758 -And we kidnapped her. -Kill her. 1981 00:46:04,369 --> 00:46:06,564 Wait a minute and let me finish. 1982 00:46:06,772 --> 00:46:10,299 So we screwed up because now she knows who we are. 1983 00:46:10,542 --> 00:46:13,636 So we can't let her go, or she'll turn us in. 1984 00:46:13,879 --> 00:46:15,437 Is that everything? 1985 00:46:18,383 --> 00:46:19,645 Kill her. 1986 00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:22,186 We can't kill her. 1987 00:46:22,387 --> 00:46:26,016 You can! Wheaton Warbirds can do anything they put their minds to. 1988 00:46:26,224 --> 00:46:29,489 But, coach, I mean, come on, actually kill a person? 1989 00:46:29,928 --> 00:46:32,453 What is it that I always said? 1990 00:46:32,664 --> 00:46:35,189 If you can dream it, you can do it. 1991 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:36,458 Exactly. 1992 00:46:36,668 --> 00:46:40,866 You have the dream. All you have to do is turn it into reality. 1993 00:46:41,073 --> 00:46:42,700 -Okay. -Thattaboy! 1994 00:46:42,941 --> 00:46:44,806 Now, go on home and snuff her. 1995 00:46:45,010 --> 00:46:47,240 -Come on, move. -Thanks, coach. 1996 00:46:53,051 --> 00:46:54,518 Where's your bird suit? 1997 00:46:54,720 --> 00:46:57,484 I don't need it, because we're-- 1998 00:46:58,824 --> 00:47:01,725 Because we're gonna kill you. Right? 1999 00:47:03,829 --> 00:47:05,729 You aren't going to shoot me. 2000 00:47:05,931 --> 00:47:07,330 What makes you say that? 2001 00:47:07,699 --> 00:47:09,223 Because you're not killers. 2002 00:47:09,434 --> 00:47:10,526 Sure we are. 2003 00:47:10,736 --> 00:47:12,169 You've never killed anyone. 2004 00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:13,360 I killed a man once. 2005 00:47:13,572 --> 00:47:14,539 -Oh, really? -Yeah. 2006 00:47:14,740 --> 00:47:17,334 -Who? -Kevin Beckley. 2007 00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:20,511 You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck. 2008 00:47:21,847 --> 00:47:24,873 -She doesn't know that. Goddamn it. -You see? 2009 00:47:25,083 --> 00:47:28,484 You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives. 2010 00:47:28,687 --> 00:47:32,851 One time, this squirrel ran out into the street and I ran over him... 2011 00:47:33,058 --> 00:47:37,586 ...and he didn't die right then, but I'm pretty sure he died right after. 2012 00:47:38,296 --> 00:47:42,255 It doesn't matter if we've killed or not! We're gonna do it right now! 2013 00:47:42,467 --> 00:47:44,697 -Ready?! -Ready. 2014 00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:49,169 -Do it. -I can't! 2015 00:47:49,374 --> 00:47:50,773 Goddamn it! 2016 00:47:59,951 --> 00:48:02,476 -Okay, it's Tuesday. -So? 2017 00:48:02,721 --> 00:48:04,780 So you're meeting Sandy for lunch. 2018 00:48:04,990 --> 00:48:06,617 Can't you see I'm in mourning? 2019 00:48:06,825 --> 00:48:10,283 But you promised you'd be there. You gave her your word. 2020 00:48:10,762 --> 00:48:12,457 I didn't even talk to her. 2021 00:48:12,664 --> 00:48:14,894 Okay, I gave her your word. 2022 00:48:15,100 --> 00:48:19,730 For God's sakes, when will you give up this idea that I'll go out with Sandy? 2023 00:48:19,938 --> 00:48:22,236 When you go out with Sandy. 2024 00:48:23,842 --> 00:48:25,503 Now, come on. 2025 00:48:26,478 --> 00:48:29,606 Come on. Come on. Come on, come on. 2026 00:48:39,324 --> 00:48:41,849 Come on! All right! Come on! 2027 00:48:46,331 --> 00:48:48,993 Hey! Wow, you're wearing the-- 2028 00:48:49,201 --> 00:48:51,431 I'm training to become a nun. 2029 00:48:51,636 --> 00:48:54,104 A nun. Well, that explains it. 2030 00:48:54,606 --> 00:48:57,439 -I hope it doesn't freak you out. -No, it doesn't. 2031 00:48:57,642 --> 00:48:59,906 Actually, I'm relieved. 2032 00:49:00,111 --> 00:49:04,104 I think Wayne was trying to set us up on a date. 2033 00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:07,843 Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas. 2034 00:49:08,053 --> 00:49:12,319 Yeah. Well, now that I know that you're unavailable... 2035 00:49:12,524 --> 00:49:13,855 ...it makes this easier. 2036 00:49:14,059 --> 00:49:15,549 We can just be friends. 2037 00:49:15,794 --> 00:49:17,227 Exactly. Friends. 2038 00:49:17,896 --> 00:49:19,124 Please. 2039 00:49:19,698 --> 00:49:21,563 -Thank you. -Sure. 2040 00:49:22,901 --> 00:49:24,459 So how are your parents? 2041 00:49:24,669 --> 00:49:27,763 Oh, great. They're making a fortune on the lnternet. 2042 00:49:27,973 --> 00:49:30,737 They started their own Web site, circusfreak.com. 2043 00:49:31,543 --> 00:49:32,908 Wow, good for them. 2044 00:49:33,245 --> 00:49:35,270 And how's your brother, Dog-face Boy? 2045 00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:36,879 He got rabies. 2046 00:49:37,315 --> 00:49:39,283 -God, that's too bad. -Yeah. 2047 00:49:39,484 --> 00:49:42,419 We thought we were gonna have to put him down... 2048 00:49:42,621 --> 00:49:44,179 ...but he recovered. 2049 00:49:44,389 --> 00:49:46,186 Oh, good. Good. 2050 00:49:46,391 --> 00:49:47,790 So how are you? 2051 00:49:47,993 --> 00:49:50,325 Oh, me? I'm great. 2052 00:49:50,562 --> 00:49:53,963 Yeah, everything's been really good, you know? 2053 00:49:54,165 --> 00:49:55,462 Yeah. 2054 00:49:56,935 --> 00:49:58,800 Well, my fiancée died. 2055 00:49:59,070 --> 00:50:00,094 She died? 2056 00:50:00,305 --> 00:50:01,272 Yeah, she's dead. 2057 00:50:01,473 --> 00:50:03,464 -I am so sorry. -Oh, don't be. 2058 00:50:03,675 --> 00:50:05,905 Please don't be sorry. 2059 00:50:06,411 --> 00:50:08,140 It's nothing. 2060 00:50:09,447 --> 00:50:12,143 So how do you feel about.... 2061 00:50:17,022 --> 00:50:18,421 Oh, no. 2062 00:50:18,623 --> 00:50:23,219 Oh, gosh. Just cry. Let it out. 2063 00:50:23,428 --> 00:50:26,625 I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you. 2064 00:50:26,831 --> 00:50:28,093 Thank you. 2065 00:50:38,109 --> 00:50:42,136 Wait a minute. Wait. You're a Neil Diamond fan too? 2066 00:50:42,347 --> 00:50:44,941 Oh! The man's a genius. 2067 00:50:45,150 --> 00:50:46,515 Yeah! 2068 00:50:46,718 --> 00:50:50,415 He's the greatest songwriter-performer of this or any generation. 2069 00:50:50,622 --> 00:50:51,611 I know. 2070 00:51:04,502 --> 00:51:06,129 Oh, God. 2071 00:51:13,378 --> 00:51:15,073 I brought you some more videos. 2072 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,714 You got your choice: Porno or monster trucks. 2073 00:51:17,916 --> 00:51:19,941 -And I got one that's both. -Thanks, J.D. 2074 00:51:20,151 --> 00:51:22,915 I really appreciate you taking care of me. 2075 00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:24,444 My pleasure. 2076 00:51:24,656 --> 00:51:28,114 Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy. 2077 00:51:28,326 --> 00:51:29,315 Thanks. 2078 00:51:29,527 --> 00:51:33,054 That's why I'm surprised that you let Wayne boss you around. 2079 00:51:34,966 --> 00:51:35,990 Wayne's not-- 2080 00:51:36,201 --> 00:51:39,659 No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me. 2081 00:51:40,038 --> 00:51:44,031 Yeah. I think that you seem depressed and confused. 2082 00:51:44,242 --> 00:51:45,641 You think? 2083 00:51:45,844 --> 00:51:48,438 You have a self-defeating personality disorder. 2084 00:51:50,615 --> 00:51:52,344 Have you considered therapy? 2085 00:51:54,452 --> 00:51:58,218 I remember in high school, you were really into helping people. 2086 00:51:58,423 --> 00:52:01,221 At parties, you were always the designated driver. 2087 00:52:01,426 --> 00:52:04,361 Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer. 2088 00:52:04,562 --> 00:52:08,464 And strong too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head. 2089 00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:10,066 Still can. 2090 00:52:10,301 --> 00:52:11,632 Oh, really? 2091 00:52:12,470 --> 00:52:14,631 Ready? And.... 2092 00:52:19,044 --> 00:52:20,534 -Oh, Darren! -Help me! 2093 00:52:20,745 --> 00:52:22,372 Are you okay? 2094 00:52:22,580 --> 00:52:23,808 -I can't-- -Just hang on. 2095 00:52:25,917 --> 00:52:27,145 I can't swim. 2096 00:52:43,735 --> 00:52:44,895 Darren! 2097 00:52:45,870 --> 00:52:47,428 Are you okay? 2098 00:52:47,672 --> 00:52:50,766 Thank you. Thank you for saving me. 2099 00:52:52,510 --> 00:52:54,102 No problem. 2100 00:53:03,254 --> 00:53:07,020 Let it out now. There you go. 2101 00:53:09,194 --> 00:53:10,183 Come on. 2102 00:53:10,462 --> 00:53:11,759 Let's go, okay? 2103 00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,330 You're a lot stronger than you were in high school. 2104 00:53:18,536 --> 00:53:21,937 Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym. 2105 00:53:25,343 --> 00:53:28,244 And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets. 2106 00:53:28,446 --> 00:53:30,744 What else can I say about second grade? 2107 00:53:30,949 --> 00:53:32,610 J.D., let's fast-forward. 2108 00:53:32,817 --> 00:53:35,684 -Have you ever had a girlfriend? -Yes. 2109 00:53:35,887 --> 00:53:36,876 No. 2110 00:53:37,122 --> 00:53:40,182 Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? 2111 00:53:40,391 --> 00:53:41,858 -Which man? -Any man. 2112 00:53:42,060 --> 00:53:44,358 -You mean, like, a tall man? -Sure, whatever. 2113 00:53:44,562 --> 00:53:47,360 -I don't like tall people. -How about a short man? 2114 00:53:47,632 --> 00:53:52,035 How short? Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird, like midgets. 2115 00:53:52,370 --> 00:53:56,101 Have you fantasized about having sex with any man? Any man at all? 2116 00:53:56,307 --> 00:53:58,639 Does that include celebrities? 2117 00:54:00,979 --> 00:54:03,038 -Can I ask you something? -Sure. 2118 00:54:03,248 --> 00:54:07,241 I mean, not that it matters now... 2119 00:54:07,852 --> 00:54:12,653 ...but if I had asked you out back in high school, would you have gone? 2120 00:54:13,691 --> 00:54:15,124 Definitely. 2121 00:54:16,494 --> 00:54:19,554 -Not that it matters now, you know. -Right. 2122 00:54:24,569 --> 00:54:26,503 -Perfect. -Thanks. 2123 00:54:27,472 --> 00:54:29,838 Could you, you know, turn around? 2124 00:54:30,041 --> 00:54:31,531 Right. Yeah, certainly. 2125 00:54:40,351 --> 00:54:42,012 I have these. 2126 00:54:43,721 --> 00:54:45,746 Sorry, sorry, those are.... 2127 00:54:46,324 --> 00:54:47,256 Thanks. 2128 00:55:00,071 --> 00:55:02,471 -Can you zip me up? -Yeah. 2129 00:55:05,543 --> 00:55:07,374 I had a really good time. 2130 00:55:07,579 --> 00:55:08,841 Me too. 2131 00:55:09,047 --> 00:55:11,538 -Do you want to have dinner tonight? -I can't. 2132 00:55:11,749 --> 00:55:14,513 Tomorrow I have a test in my catechism class... 2133 00:55:14,719 --> 00:55:19,520 ...and I have to score at least an 85 so I can take my vows on Sunday. 2134 00:55:19,824 --> 00:55:21,086 What about tomorrow? 2135 00:55:21,292 --> 00:55:25,626 I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her death bed. 2136 00:55:26,030 --> 00:55:27,361 I understand. 2137 00:55:27,565 --> 00:55:29,897 But I'd really like to see you again. 2138 00:55:31,035 --> 00:55:32,593 I'll get out of it. 2139 00:55:33,104 --> 00:55:33,137 I always knew I was different, and now I know why. 2140 00:55:33,137 --> 00:55:36,402 I always knew I was different, and now I know why. 2141 00:55:36,608 --> 00:55:38,599 I'm gay. 2142 00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:43,708 You're the only person who's ever truly understood me. 2143 00:55:43,915 --> 00:55:46,713 It's okay. Just let it out. 2144 00:55:46,918 --> 00:55:48,749 Everything will be all right. 2145 00:55:48,953 --> 00:55:51,513 It's all gonna be okay. 2146 00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:53,384 It's gonna be just-- 2147 00:56:31,829 --> 00:56:33,854 Judith escaped. 2148 00:56:34,866 --> 00:56:35,890 Der! 2149 00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:44,799 Get to the truck. Go. Go. Go. Go. 2150 00:56:58,056 --> 00:57:00,524 Okay, she can't be far. 2151 00:57:02,260 --> 00:57:03,249 I see her! 2152 00:57:03,461 --> 00:57:05,088 Where? Okay, steady, steady! 2153 00:57:07,899 --> 00:57:08,991 I missed her. 2154 00:57:14,572 --> 00:57:16,403 Now. Let's go. Go, go! 2155 00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:18,871 You go this way, I'll go that way! Go! 2156 00:57:28,019 --> 00:57:30,613 Open up! I've been kidnapped! 2157 00:57:32,957 --> 00:57:34,322 Hold your goddamn horses! 2158 00:57:34,759 --> 00:57:36,124 Oh, thank God. Hurry up. 2159 00:57:40,865 --> 00:57:43,265 Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky. 2160 00:57:45,470 --> 00:57:47,631 Young lady, so horny, so impatient. 2161 00:57:52,477 --> 00:57:54,809 Oh, scrotum! 2162 00:57:56,714 --> 00:57:59,376 Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on! 2163 00:58:03,287 --> 00:58:05,778 -Now! I got her. -Do her! Come on! 2164 00:58:06,090 --> 00:58:07,648 I got her. 2165 00:58:17,168 --> 00:58:19,159 Okay, Judith, it's over. 2166 00:58:19,404 --> 00:58:23,067 You might as well turn around and head back to the house. 2167 00:58:35,686 --> 00:58:36,675 Oh, thank God. 2168 00:58:59,811 --> 00:59:02,712 Hi, officers. You're safe. 2169 00:59:03,114 --> 00:59:04,911 I'm Cowboy Wayne. 2170 00:59:05,383 --> 00:59:08,580 I just bagged me one of them killer goats... 2171 00:59:08,786 --> 00:59:11,448 ...that escaped from the zoo. 2172 00:59:12,356 --> 00:59:14,051 -Good job. -Yeah. 2173 00:59:14,292 --> 00:59:16,954 Okay, then, I'll see you later. 2174 00:59:30,074 --> 00:59:32,440 There. That should hold you for tonight. 2175 00:59:33,644 --> 00:59:34,906 Don't! 2176 00:59:40,084 --> 00:59:41,915 What the hell happened? 2177 00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:44,888 Judith was giving me some therapy... 2178 00:59:45,089 --> 00:59:47,557 ...and helped me realize I was gay and-- 2179 00:59:47,825 --> 00:59:49,349 Wait. What? 2180 00:59:50,328 --> 00:59:51,659 I see what happened. 2181 00:59:52,697 --> 00:59:54,426 She messed with your head. 2182 00:59:54,665 --> 00:59:56,292 Wayne, I'm gay. 2183 00:59:56,501 --> 00:59:59,959 No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women. 2184 01:00:00,171 --> 01:00:04,403 No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D. 2185 01:00:04,609 --> 01:00:05,735 How'd she do that? 2186 01:00:05,943 --> 01:00:07,410 She listened. 2187 01:00:07,845 --> 01:00:12,782 Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs. 2188 01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:15,748 -Like what? -Like my obsession with Bette Midler. 2189 01:00:15,953 --> 01:00:17,784 My preference for track lighting. 2190 01:00:17,989 --> 01:00:20,753 And the fact that I like sucking dick. 2191 01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:23,358 What?! You've done that?! 2192 01:00:24,061 --> 01:00:27,997 Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga? 2193 01:00:28,199 --> 01:00:29,894 I don't want to hear anymore. 2194 01:00:30,101 --> 01:00:33,537 Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem! 2195 01:00:33,738 --> 01:00:36,536 But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself. 2196 01:00:36,741 --> 01:00:37,969 Okay! 2197 01:00:42,613 --> 01:00:45,047 -You want to be gay with me? -No! 2198 01:00:50,188 --> 01:00:51,849 Come on, go, come on. 2199 01:00:52,056 --> 01:00:54,684 All you, all you! Eleven. Okay. 2200 01:00:54,892 --> 01:00:57,952 One more. One more. Come on. One more. 2201 01:00:58,996 --> 01:01:00,896 Feel the burn. Come on, now. 2202 01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:04,361 Eleven. 2203 01:01:05,336 --> 01:01:06,564 What's the matter, dear? 2204 01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:11,039 You never used to be so winded after only five sets. 2205 01:01:11,242 --> 01:01:13,574 Well, Mother Superior... 2206 01:01:14,412 --> 01:01:19,111 ...I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun. 2207 01:01:19,684 --> 01:01:21,117 Oh, don't get me wrong. 2208 01:01:21,319 --> 01:01:24,550 This is a terrific convent. But I-- 2209 01:01:24,755 --> 01:01:25,983 But.... 2210 01:01:26,257 --> 01:01:27,246 Well... 2211 01:01:28,426 --> 01:01:31,793 ...I'm having these feelings. 2212 01:01:32,029 --> 01:01:33,428 What kind of feelings? 2213 01:01:37,401 --> 01:01:39,392 You mean sexual feelings. 2214 01:01:41,172 --> 01:01:43,470 Yeah, but it's so much more than that. 2215 01:01:43,674 --> 01:01:44,698 Yes, well... 2216 01:01:45,209 --> 01:01:46,608 ...my dear... 2217 01:01:47,078 --> 01:01:51,481 ...you're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live. 2218 01:01:51,682 --> 01:01:54,116 But once you take your final vows... 2219 01:01:55,419 --> 01:01:57,649 ...there is no going back. 2220 01:01:58,556 --> 01:02:02,014 Now, let's go bust out some power squats. 2221 01:02:16,207 --> 01:02:21,042 There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this.... 2222 01:02:23,214 --> 01:02:24,374 This.... 2223 01:02:24,949 --> 01:02:26,883 This should keep you from biting. 2224 01:02:27,752 --> 01:02:30,482 -How am I gonna eat? -I thought of that. 2225 01:02:31,756 --> 01:02:33,314 -What is that? -It's breakfast. 2226 01:02:33,557 --> 01:02:36,617 It's pancakes, sausage, hash brown, Pop Tart, puréed. 2227 01:02:36,827 --> 01:02:38,988 I won't eat it. I want a Big Montana. 2228 01:02:39,196 --> 01:02:41,528 A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries. 2229 01:02:41,732 --> 01:02:46,032 I won't get you one. If you won't eat what I made for you, you can starve! 2230 01:02:46,737 --> 01:02:48,568 Why are you doing this?! 2231 01:02:48,773 --> 01:02:50,638 To save our friendship. 2232 01:02:50,841 --> 01:02:53,810 Friendship? It seems like you're in love with Darren. 2233 01:02:54,178 --> 01:02:55,475 Bullshit! 2234 01:02:55,680 --> 01:02:58,877 Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole and so do you. 2235 01:02:59,884 --> 01:03:01,545 I am so un-gay! 2236 01:03:01,752 --> 01:03:05,552 Let's pretend you're straight. When's the last time you got any? 2237 01:03:05,756 --> 01:03:07,121 None of your business. 2238 01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:08,716 So it's been years? 2239 01:03:09,427 --> 01:03:12,658 -I'm waiting for the right woman. -There is no right woman. 2240 01:03:12,863 --> 01:03:17,323 If there was, you've already met and she's killed herself or become gay. 2241 01:03:17,768 --> 01:03:19,599 -Bite me! -Blow me! 2242 01:03:19,837 --> 01:03:21,099 -Skank! -Eunuch! 2243 01:03:21,572 --> 01:03:24,769 Stealer of my friend! 2244 01:03:32,450 --> 01:03:34,418 What happened to your head? 2245 01:03:38,055 --> 01:03:39,682 I saw Judith. 2246 01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:41,624 Judith's dead. 2247 01:03:41,859 --> 01:03:43,190 Yeah, but... 2248 01:03:43,427 --> 01:03:45,520 ...I could've sworn it was her. 2249 01:03:45,730 --> 01:03:48,255 -I was on-- -You poor thing. 2250 01:03:48,466 --> 01:03:50,263 You're still not over her death. 2251 01:03:50,735 --> 01:03:53,329 Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other. 2252 01:03:54,038 --> 01:03:57,633 No. No. God, I'm fine. 2253 01:03:57,875 --> 01:04:00,537 And, look, I can deal with this. Okay? 2254 01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:07,411 -So, what are you having? -Let's see. 2255 01:04:07,618 --> 01:04:10,746 There's the duck. That was always Judith's favorite. 2256 01:04:10,955 --> 01:04:12,513 -I'm sorry. -I should leave. 2257 01:04:12,723 --> 01:04:14,782 No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry. 2258 01:04:14,992 --> 01:04:18,291 I will never mention Judith's name again, really. 2259 01:04:18,496 --> 01:04:20,293 I swear. I swear. 2260 01:04:23,234 --> 01:04:25,202 Would you excuse me for a moment? 2261 01:04:25,770 --> 01:04:29,069 Please. I'll be right back. Okay? 2262 01:04:29,273 --> 01:04:31,207 In a-- In a moment. 2263 01:04:37,515 --> 01:04:38,914 Damn it! 2264 01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:45,411 -What do you want?! -Wayne, it's me, Darren. 2265 01:04:45,823 --> 01:04:50,055 I have a problem. I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith. 2266 01:04:50,528 --> 01:04:52,826 Okay. I'll be right there. 2267 01:05:05,109 --> 01:05:07,077 Okay, open up your shirt. 2268 01:05:07,278 --> 01:05:08,973 -Why? -Just do it. 2269 01:05:10,114 --> 01:05:11,809 What is this? 2270 01:05:13,951 --> 01:05:14,940 Now... 2271 01:05:15,619 --> 01:05:17,450 ...here's what's gonna happen. 2272 01:05:19,390 --> 01:05:22,518 I'm going to listen to your conversation. 2273 01:05:23,360 --> 01:05:24,452 Now... 2274 01:05:25,463 --> 01:05:28,626 ...if you say anything about Judith... 2275 01:05:29,133 --> 01:05:31,693 ...or so much as mention her name... 2276 01:05:31,902 --> 01:05:34,530 ...then I'll give you a little shock. 2277 01:05:36,540 --> 01:05:37,802 Perfect. 2278 01:05:39,543 --> 01:05:43,070 I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples. 2279 01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:44,975 I could put them on your balls. 2280 01:05:45,316 --> 01:05:47,648 The nipples are fine. Nipples work. 2281 01:05:50,321 --> 01:05:54,087 Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm back. I am back. 2282 01:05:54,325 --> 01:05:57,817 There was a talkative men's room attendant. 2283 01:05:58,162 --> 01:05:59,151 That's okay. 2284 01:06:13,244 --> 01:06:14,802 -Excuse me. -Hey. 2285 01:06:15,012 --> 01:06:17,071 -This table's reserved. -You know what? 2286 01:06:17,281 --> 01:06:20,079 I come here all the time, and spend a lot of money... 2287 01:06:20,284 --> 01:06:22,479 ...so why not leave me the hell alone? 2288 01:06:25,189 --> 01:06:27,248 I don't mean to be pushy... 2289 01:06:27,458 --> 01:06:30,188 ...but if this relationship is gonna get serious... 2290 01:06:30,394 --> 01:06:32,294 ...I have to give up becoming a nun... 2291 01:06:32,696 --> 01:06:34,857 ...and I'd have to decide soon... 2292 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:37,694 ...because my final vows are on Sunday. 2293 01:06:38,269 --> 01:06:40,464 Yeah, that thought had occurred to me. 2294 01:06:40,704 --> 01:06:42,194 And if I do that... 2295 01:06:42,406 --> 01:06:46,536 ...I need to know that you want marriage and a family. 2296 01:06:47,711 --> 01:06:48,700 Absolutely. 2297 01:06:50,881 --> 01:06:54,715 I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but... 2298 01:06:55,753 --> 01:06:57,277 ...I love you, Darren. 2299 01:07:01,091 --> 01:07:02,524 I love you too, Judith. 2300 01:07:05,362 --> 01:07:07,660 -Judith?! -I mean Sandy. 2301 01:07:07,865 --> 01:07:11,596 I mean, let's dance. Okay? 2302 01:07:20,311 --> 01:07:21,403 You're out of here. 2303 01:07:21,612 --> 01:07:24,137 Put me down! I haven't ordered yet! 2304 01:07:27,585 --> 01:07:30,110 Time for an attitude adjustment, mister. 2305 01:07:33,424 --> 01:07:35,255 Hey, nice move. 2306 01:07:43,267 --> 01:07:44,359 Damn, he's good. 2307 01:07:46,236 --> 01:07:47,396 Darren! 2308 01:07:52,509 --> 01:07:53,498 Oh, my God! 2309 01:07:53,844 --> 01:07:56,108 Oh, jeez. Oh, my God! 2310 01:07:59,149 --> 01:08:01,208 Are you okay? 2311 01:08:02,786 --> 01:08:04,219 It was a little weird. 2312 01:08:17,334 --> 01:08:19,063 -What's going on? -I can explain. 2313 01:08:19,470 --> 01:08:24,100 It's aversion therapy. Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith... 2314 01:08:24,308 --> 01:08:26,503 ...so I had these things-- Nipples-- 2315 01:08:26,710 --> 01:08:30,077 Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought. 2316 01:08:30,280 --> 01:08:33,807 No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship. 2317 01:08:34,985 --> 01:08:36,885 No, I am! Sandy, wait! 2318 01:08:38,122 --> 01:08:39,316 Okay. 2319 01:08:39,523 --> 01:08:40,547 Damn it! 2320 01:08:43,661 --> 01:08:45,151 Wait, wait. 2321 01:08:46,930 --> 01:08:48,659 Wait, Sandy! 2322 01:09:01,845 --> 01:09:03,540 Oh, my God! 2323 01:09:03,747 --> 01:09:05,806 Darren. What happened to you? 2324 01:09:06,016 --> 01:09:08,507 -I ran here from the club. -That's 30 miles! 2325 01:09:08,719 --> 01:09:11,449 Yeah, I know. I wanted to say... 2326 01:09:12,022 --> 01:09:15,150 ...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? 2327 01:09:16,026 --> 01:09:18,995 Because the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps... 2328 01:09:19,196 --> 01:09:20,322 -...it's crazy, and-- -Yes! 2329 01:09:21,899 --> 01:09:23,161 -Really? -Yes. 2330 01:09:23,534 --> 01:09:24,694 Just like that? 2331 01:09:24,902 --> 01:09:27,700 Well, I am training to become a nun, you know. 2332 01:09:27,905 --> 01:09:29,930 Forgiveness is just sort of my thing. 2333 01:09:30,207 --> 01:09:31,333 I love you. 2334 01:09:31,542 --> 01:09:32,566 -Really? -I love you. 2335 01:09:32,776 --> 01:09:35,301 -I love you. -Oh, love. Love. 2336 01:09:53,130 --> 01:09:55,724 -Happy? -You didn't have to do that. 2337 01:09:55,933 --> 01:10:00,393 I just happened to be by Arby's. They were throwing out old food... 2338 01:10:00,604 --> 01:10:03,095 ...so, you know, I thought, "Why not?" 2339 01:10:03,307 --> 01:10:06,174 Either way, that's nice of you. 2340 01:10:13,417 --> 01:10:15,044 I was wondering: 2341 01:10:16,587 --> 01:10:18,919 -Why Darren? -What do you mean? 2342 01:10:19,356 --> 01:10:22,814 You don't seem the type to go for a sensitive guy like Darren. 2343 01:10:23,026 --> 01:10:27,656 You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy. 2344 01:10:33,871 --> 01:10:36,203 Before I met Darren, I was-- 2345 01:10:38,776 --> 01:10:40,869 I was engaged to a guy like that. 2346 01:10:41,578 --> 01:10:45,708 His idea of fun was to fly to Thailand to fight in a kickboxing tournament. 2347 01:10:46,450 --> 01:10:47,849 U.S.A.! Go, Josh! 2348 01:11:11,408 --> 01:11:13,808 After that, I decided no more tough guys. 2349 01:11:14,711 --> 01:11:16,679 Yeah, and then you found Darren. 2350 01:11:16,880 --> 01:11:17,938 Yeah. 2351 01:11:18,382 --> 01:11:21,977 -So do you even love him? -There's different types of love. 2352 01:11:22,886 --> 01:11:24,410 I knew it! 2353 01:11:24,621 --> 01:11:28,682 Sometimes you make rational decisions. You can't always follow your heart. 2354 01:11:29,026 --> 01:11:30,152 Yeah, whatever. 2355 01:11:30,527 --> 01:11:34,258 I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge. 2356 01:11:34,765 --> 01:11:36,733 Like you kidnapping me. 2357 01:11:37,868 --> 01:11:39,631 That took balls. 2358 01:11:40,237 --> 01:11:41,795 Big balls. 2359 01:11:42,973 --> 01:11:44,941 I gotta say it turned me on. 2360 01:11:46,610 --> 01:11:47,941 It did? 2361 01:12:27,417 --> 01:12:28,816 Oh, my God. 2362 01:12:34,524 --> 01:12:36,492 Goddamn these chains! 2363 01:12:41,198 --> 01:12:42,529 Little key, little key. 2364 01:12:43,267 --> 01:12:45,394 What am I doing? I can't let you go! 2365 01:12:45,769 --> 01:12:48,329 Just give me one free hand. It'll be worth it. 2366 01:12:49,873 --> 01:12:52,137 Okay. Give me the fries. 2367 01:13:01,618 --> 01:13:03,279 -Hi. -Wow. 2368 01:13:03,487 --> 01:13:04,681 Hey. 2369 01:13:05,222 --> 01:13:06,519 Shit. 2370 01:13:09,493 --> 01:13:11,620 Just wait one minute, okay? 2371 01:13:15,933 --> 01:13:17,764 -Dude-- -Dude, you got a boner? 2372 01:13:18,068 --> 01:13:19,057 No. 2373 01:13:19,269 --> 01:13:21,328 -Why didn't you answer the door? -I'm eating. 2374 01:13:21,538 --> 01:13:23,005 -So? -I don't answer when I'm eating. 2375 01:13:23,206 --> 01:13:24,503 -Since when? -Since always. 2376 01:13:24,708 --> 01:13:27,700 -I never knew that. -You didn't know a lot, like I'm gay. 2377 01:13:28,045 --> 01:13:31,344 -Anything else you want to tell me? -I got three balls. 2378 01:13:31,548 --> 01:13:34,381 Shut up! God! 2379 01:13:35,953 --> 01:13:36,977 Dude. 2380 01:13:38,221 --> 01:13:39,245 Hi, coach. 2381 01:13:39,456 --> 01:13:40,923 What are you doing here? 2382 01:13:41,124 --> 01:13:43,558 Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan. 2383 01:13:44,027 --> 01:13:46,018 -Congrats. -What will you do now? 2384 01:13:46,229 --> 01:13:50,290 That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash, figure out my next move. 2385 01:13:50,500 --> 01:13:52,161 I knew I could count on you. 2386 01:13:52,369 --> 01:13:55,566 -Well, we gotta talk about-- -You stay as long as you like. 2387 01:13:55,839 --> 01:13:58,706 Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump. 2388 01:13:58,909 --> 01:14:02,970 We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill. 2389 01:14:03,180 --> 01:14:04,306 What do you do? 2390 01:14:04,514 --> 01:14:07,142 Well, we just use the lawn now. 2391 01:14:07,551 --> 01:14:09,246 Smart thinking. 2392 01:14:09,619 --> 01:14:10,608 Oh, God! 2393 01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:13,980 You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there. 2394 01:14:14,191 --> 01:14:16,523 Are you crazy? Coach can't stay here! 2395 01:14:16,727 --> 01:14:19,821 -We got a woman locked in the garage! -Oh, yeah! 2396 01:14:24,768 --> 01:14:26,463 You boys got any T.P.? 2397 01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:28,001 No! 2398 01:14:28,305 --> 01:14:30,330 That's all right. I'll find something. 2399 01:14:36,179 --> 01:14:39,114 Play it cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him. 2400 01:14:39,349 --> 01:14:43,410 We tell him we got dates. He can't be here because we're getting laid. 2401 01:14:43,620 --> 01:14:45,747 No, he'll never believe that. 2402 01:14:45,956 --> 01:14:47,787 We'll tell him we got ghosts. 2403 01:14:48,025 --> 01:14:50,152 So, boys, what's for supper? 2404 01:14:50,360 --> 01:14:52,851 -Listen, coach-- -We have ghosts. 2405 01:14:53,196 --> 01:14:57,189 We were thinking that maybe you staying here's not such a great idea. 2406 01:14:57,401 --> 01:15:01,462 Nonsense. It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again. 2407 01:15:01,705 --> 01:15:06,335 So you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman? 2408 01:15:06,543 --> 01:15:10,206 Yeah, we snuffed that bitch just like you said. 2409 01:15:10,714 --> 01:15:12,614 Good. How'd you do it? 2410 01:15:13,483 --> 01:15:14,507 -We-- -Ate her. 2411 01:15:15,118 --> 01:15:16,107 You ate her? 2412 01:15:16,386 --> 01:15:19,253 -Yeah. We ate her. -Alive. 2413 01:15:19,456 --> 01:15:20,787 My hat goes off to you. 2414 01:15:20,991 --> 01:15:23,892 You boys are smart. That's the perfect crime. 2415 01:15:24,961 --> 01:15:27,088 Wonder what's on the tube. 2416 01:15:27,397 --> 01:15:28,625 -No! Coach! -No! 2417 01:15:29,900 --> 01:15:33,461 What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show? 2418 01:15:34,471 --> 01:15:36,598 That's the kidnap victim, ain't it? 2419 01:15:36,807 --> 01:15:37,967 You didn't kill her! 2420 01:15:38,175 --> 01:15:39,836 No. Coach, listen.... 2421 01:15:40,043 --> 01:15:43,069 I am really disappointed in you boys. 2422 01:15:43,280 --> 01:15:45,908 I want you to go out there and off that cooze. 2423 01:15:46,116 --> 01:15:47,481 We can't, coach. 2424 01:15:47,684 --> 01:15:50,312 Oh, for Pete's sakes! Look! She's getting out! 2425 01:15:50,854 --> 01:15:53,288 Go chop her head off or something. 2426 01:15:54,324 --> 01:15:58,852 There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified. 2427 01:15:59,329 --> 01:16:02,992 Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad. 2428 01:16:09,506 --> 01:16:11,133 -Don't worry! -Who are you? 2429 01:16:11,408 --> 01:16:14,809 Let's say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill you. 2430 01:16:15,078 --> 01:16:17,808 You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you? 2431 01:16:18,014 --> 01:16:20,915 Of course not. I love a good challenge. 2432 01:16:41,538 --> 01:16:42,869 Are you okay? 2433 01:16:49,679 --> 01:16:50,703 Dude-- 2434 01:16:58,488 --> 01:16:59,477 Got it? 2435 01:17:03,627 --> 01:17:06,391 -I'm so happy. -Oh, me too. 2436 01:17:09,332 --> 01:17:11,129 Does this couch fold out? 2437 01:17:22,345 --> 01:17:24,643 What the hell is going on here? 2438 01:17:26,183 --> 01:17:27,241 -Judith! -Yes. 2439 01:17:27,450 --> 01:17:28,917 -You're alive. -Yes. 2440 01:17:29,119 --> 01:17:31,610 -Judith? -Who is this tramp? 2441 01:17:31,821 --> 01:17:33,118 I'm not a tramp. 2442 01:17:33,323 --> 01:17:36,656 Actually, until yesterday, I was training to become a nun. 2443 01:17:37,060 --> 01:17:39,756 I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun? 2444 01:17:39,963 --> 01:17:42,625 No, no. We're in love. 2445 01:17:43,166 --> 01:17:44,497 I thought you were dead. 2446 01:17:44,868 --> 01:17:48,167 Oh, really? Well, I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay? 2447 01:17:48,371 --> 01:17:50,362 It was hell! I was beaten, tortured... 2448 01:17:50,574 --> 01:17:53,600 ...and treated like a frigging farm animal! 2449 01:17:53,843 --> 01:17:55,105 And the entire time... 2450 01:17:55,312 --> 01:17:58,338 ...the only thing that kept me alive was the thought... 2451 01:17:58,848 --> 01:18:02,511 ...that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me... 2452 01:18:02,719 --> 01:18:05,187 ...and that one day we'd be together again. 2453 01:18:07,791 --> 01:18:09,088 It was so horrible. 2454 01:18:17,601 --> 01:18:21,697 -Where are we going? -I don't know. We gotta find her. 2455 01:18:22,372 --> 01:18:24,237 -Okay, where to? -Go left! 2456 01:18:24,441 --> 01:18:26,033 I'm going right! 2457 01:18:26,676 --> 01:18:29,008 They kept me in a dark closet for days. 2458 01:18:29,212 --> 01:18:34,115 And they fed me, like, crushed potato chips under the door. 2459 01:18:37,087 --> 01:18:40,488 Maybe I should go. 2460 01:18:40,724 --> 01:18:42,089 Oh, no. 2461 01:18:44,728 --> 01:18:46,628 Please. Please, don't. 2462 01:18:46,830 --> 01:18:48,798 Don't leave. 2463 01:18:48,999 --> 01:18:50,296 Well, but, I mean... 2464 01:18:50,500 --> 01:18:54,732 ...Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée. 2465 01:18:56,306 --> 01:18:59,673 I know. You're right. You're right. But.... 2466 01:19:00,076 --> 01:19:02,135 But you can't go because I.... 2467 01:19:02,612 --> 01:19:05,479 -Because what? Why, Darren? -Because I-- 2468 01:19:06,016 --> 01:19:07,608 -See, you-- -Yeah? 2469 01:19:07,817 --> 01:19:09,250 -Well, we-- And-- -Yeah? 2470 01:19:09,452 --> 01:19:12,353 Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another. 2471 01:19:12,589 --> 01:19:15,217 Spare her the pain of seeing us together. 2472 01:19:15,425 --> 01:19:16,585 You... 2473 01:19:16,826 --> 01:19:18,919 ...run along back to the nunnery. 2474 01:19:24,267 --> 01:19:25,256 She's right. 2475 01:19:25,669 --> 01:19:27,000 I mean... 2476 01:19:27,337 --> 01:19:29,532 ...I did pledge. 2477 01:19:31,708 --> 01:19:33,073 Okay. 2478 01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:37,204 Bye. 2479 01:19:40,150 --> 01:19:41,515 She's here! Hey, Darren. 2480 01:19:41,718 --> 01:19:44,949 Sandy, hi. Look, I can-- Darren. Sorry. 2481 01:19:45,155 --> 01:19:48,682 Darren, look. I understand that you're really upset. 2482 01:19:48,892 --> 01:19:51,417 I probably look like a really big asshole-- 2483 01:19:51,628 --> 01:19:52,959 Dude! 2484 01:19:54,464 --> 01:19:58,901 Okay. I deserved that. But now let me explain-- 2485 01:20:03,973 --> 01:20:08,376 Okay, I guess I deserved that one too, but now we're even, okay? 2486 01:20:12,949 --> 01:20:16,783 Stop! We only did it because we love you. 2487 01:20:16,986 --> 01:20:18,851 Oh, right, because you love me. 2488 01:20:19,055 --> 01:20:22,149 Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug. It's-- 2489 01:20:35,538 --> 01:20:39,668 -Freeze! -Get your hands up! 2490 01:20:49,486 --> 01:20:52,387 Don't think my presence here means I forgive you. 2491 01:20:52,589 --> 01:20:55,422 I just wanted to tell you guys in person. 2492 01:20:55,625 --> 01:20:58,116 Judith and I are getting married tomorrow. 2493 01:20:58,328 --> 01:21:00,956 You don't want to marry Judith. Admit it. 2494 01:21:01,297 --> 01:21:03,959 -Of course I do. -Okay. 2495 01:21:04,434 --> 01:21:06,698 Then look into my eyes and say it. 2496 01:21:07,137 --> 01:21:09,105 I want to marry Judith. 2497 01:21:09,439 --> 01:21:12,966 Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it. 2498 01:21:13,543 --> 01:21:15,067 I'm out of here. 2499 01:21:16,479 --> 01:21:19,812 Come on. We're sorry, okay? 2500 01:21:20,150 --> 01:21:22,050 What we did was wrong. 2501 01:21:25,722 --> 01:21:27,246 We gotta stop that wedding. 2502 01:21:27,457 --> 01:21:29,254 Dude, how? 2503 01:21:30,527 --> 01:21:35,123 Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill! 2504 01:21:37,634 --> 01:21:41,126 Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D. Look, we need your help. 2505 01:21:41,337 --> 01:21:44,534 I'd do anything for you boys. Name it, you got it. 2506 01:21:44,741 --> 01:21:49,337 Well, we need you to post bail for us. It's $10,000 apiece. 2507 01:21:49,579 --> 01:21:52,571 -No way! -Come on, coach. 2508 01:21:52,782 --> 01:21:54,079 We need your help. 2509 01:21:54,317 --> 01:21:56,842 Jail life is real tough. They're-- 2510 01:21:57,120 --> 01:21:59,645 They're sodomizing us in here. 2511 01:21:59,856 --> 01:22:02,188 What?! They're corn-holing you? 2512 01:22:02,392 --> 01:22:06,522 Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out. 2513 01:22:07,697 --> 01:22:11,497 You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him. 2514 01:22:13,937 --> 01:22:14,904 What is that? 2515 01:22:15,104 --> 01:22:17,095 Sounds kind of like my truck. 2516 01:22:23,913 --> 01:22:25,278 Come on, boys. Let's go. 2517 01:22:26,583 --> 01:22:28,574 Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut! 2518 01:22:29,519 --> 01:22:31,077 Come on, move it! 2519 01:22:31,855 --> 01:22:35,086 You're free. Now, where to, boys? 2520 01:22:35,358 --> 01:22:36,620 Go left. 2521 01:22:38,795 --> 01:22:40,092 Charge! 2522 01:22:42,732 --> 01:22:44,700 Sandy Perkus... 2523 01:22:45,034 --> 01:22:47,764 ...do you vow to lead a life of poverty... 2524 01:22:47,971 --> 01:22:49,871 ...chastity, obedience... 2525 01:22:50,073 --> 01:22:51,768 ...and silence? 2526 01:22:52,408 --> 01:22:53,875 Wait! 2527 01:22:55,044 --> 01:22:56,033 Sorry. 2528 01:22:57,881 --> 01:22:59,371 Look, you can't do this. 2529 01:22:59,616 --> 01:23:01,982 -You love Darren, right? -Well, yeah. 2530 01:23:02,218 --> 01:23:04,379 -Well, Darren loves you. -Really? 2531 01:23:04,621 --> 01:23:07,681 Darren's her boyfriend, but he has this other girlfriend... 2532 01:23:07,891 --> 01:23:10,883 -...and he's getting-- -So, what are you gonna do? 2533 01:23:12,729 --> 01:23:14,492 Go, my child. 2534 01:23:15,064 --> 01:23:16,156 -Okay. -Come on. 2535 01:23:16,399 --> 01:23:18,424 We've got a wedding to crash! 2536 01:23:18,635 --> 01:23:20,500 Go. Go. Go. 2537 01:23:20,737 --> 01:23:21,726 Bye, everybody! 2538 01:23:22,906 --> 01:23:25,101 Damn. Lost another one. 2539 01:23:25,308 --> 01:23:27,242 Son of a bitch. 2540 01:23:41,958 --> 01:23:43,983 I can't believe I'm doing this. 2541 01:23:44,193 --> 01:23:46,855 Oh, here. We got you some clothes. 2542 01:23:48,431 --> 01:23:50,399 Where did you get these? 2543 01:23:50,600 --> 01:23:51,624 J.D.'s sister. 2544 01:23:51,834 --> 01:23:54,428 -She's a stripper. -And a hooker. 2545 01:24:12,055 --> 01:24:13,215 Go! Gotta go! 2546 01:24:18,227 --> 01:24:19,353 Oh, my gosh! 2547 01:24:19,562 --> 01:24:21,052 Neil Diamond! 2548 01:24:21,297 --> 01:24:22,764 What the hell is going on? 2549 01:24:22,966 --> 01:24:24,228 Neil, let me explain. 2550 01:24:24,434 --> 01:24:28,598 You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes. Naked pictures. 2551 01:24:28,805 --> 01:24:32,332 What? We never sent you any naked pictures. 2552 01:24:32,709 --> 01:24:33,937 -Dude. -Sorry. 2553 01:24:34,143 --> 01:24:36,941 Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy. 2554 01:24:37,146 --> 01:24:38,773 He's marrying the wrong woman. 2555 01:24:38,982 --> 01:24:41,177 Sandy and Darren, they broke up. 2556 01:24:41,384 --> 01:24:43,648 Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise. 2557 01:24:43,853 --> 01:24:47,254 -Help us get them back together. -I don't know. 2558 01:24:47,457 --> 01:24:50,324 Turn on your heart light. Judith brainwashed him. 2559 01:24:50,526 --> 01:24:53,256 For years, Darren loved me, but I never knew it. 2560 01:24:53,463 --> 01:24:54,896 Hold it. Hold it! 2561 01:24:55,732 --> 01:24:58,223 -Hold on. -And did I mention I was gay? 2562 01:24:58,434 --> 01:25:01,699 I've spent my life writing songs about the power of love... 2563 01:25:01,904 --> 01:25:04,771 ...but up until right now, they've only been words. 2564 01:25:05,008 --> 01:25:08,944 This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something. 2565 01:25:09,145 --> 01:25:12,239 -You say that if Darren marries... -Judith. 2566 01:25:12,448 --> 01:25:14,939 -...Judith, he'll be miserable. -Right. 2567 01:25:15,151 --> 01:25:19,144 I believe in happy endings. If Neil Diamond has anything to do with it... 2568 01:25:19,355 --> 01:25:21,152 ...this love story will have one. 2569 01:25:21,357 --> 01:25:23,416 Come on! Yeah! 2570 01:25:23,793 --> 01:25:26,660 We got Neil Diamond onboard! All right! 2571 01:25:26,863 --> 01:25:29,593 -Where we going? -The park on America Avenue. 2572 01:25:30,633 --> 01:25:32,430 -5-0! -What? 2573 01:25:32,635 --> 01:25:33,795 Cops. Caprice. 2574 01:25:34,037 --> 01:25:36,267 Five cars back. Goddamn heat. 2575 01:25:36,472 --> 01:25:39,373 One little prison break, and they're all over you. 2576 01:25:40,376 --> 01:25:41,604 Whoa, coach. 2577 01:25:42,211 --> 01:25:44,441 No matter what happens, don't look back. 2578 01:25:44,647 --> 01:25:47,548 Just get this sweet gal to the man who loves her. 2579 01:25:47,750 --> 01:25:51,709 I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire than to go back to jail. 2580 01:25:52,155 --> 01:25:54,282 Nice meeting you, Mr. Diamond. 2581 01:26:02,732 --> 01:26:03,892 Coach, look out! 2582 01:26:07,136 --> 01:26:08,262 They're not cops! 2583 01:26:13,743 --> 01:26:16,143 Hey, we're coming to America. 2584 01:26:21,284 --> 01:26:25,482 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Darren Silverman... 2585 01:26:25,688 --> 01:26:29,021 ...and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony. 2586 01:26:29,325 --> 01:26:32,260 If anyone has any objections, speak now. 2587 01:26:32,528 --> 01:26:33,586 I do. 2588 01:26:33,796 --> 01:26:35,821 -What? -Neil? 2589 01:26:41,437 --> 01:26:42,768 -Neil! -Neil. 2590 01:26:42,972 --> 01:26:45,372 Get to the part where we say, "I do." 2591 01:27:08,397 --> 01:27:09,386 Oh, my! 2592 01:27:10,199 --> 01:27:12,030 -Say, "I do." -No. 2593 01:27:12,468 --> 01:27:14,129 Say, "I do." 2594 01:27:14,370 --> 01:27:16,201 I can't. Because I... 2595 01:27:19,542 --> 01:27:21,533 ...I love Neil... 2596 01:27:21,744 --> 01:27:23,541 ...and I love Sandy. 2597 01:27:25,148 --> 01:27:26,809 You're in love with this slut? 2598 01:27:27,016 --> 01:27:29,143 I am not a slut. 2599 01:27:29,652 --> 01:27:31,984 Sandy is my one and only someone. 2600 01:27:45,568 --> 01:27:47,058 What about me? 2601 01:27:47,603 --> 01:27:50,163 Who's my someone? 2602 01:28:07,890 --> 01:28:09,755 You ruined my life! 2603 01:28:11,127 --> 01:28:12,560 But I saved Darren's! 2604 01:28:12,762 --> 01:28:15,959 Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough... 2605 01:28:16,232 --> 01:28:17,631 ...to hook up with you! 2606 01:28:23,406 --> 01:28:26,842 Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me, you liked it? 2607 01:28:27,043 --> 01:28:30,137 You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons. 2608 01:28:39,222 --> 01:28:40,780 Admit it! 2609 01:28:42,091 --> 01:28:45,390 I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need... 2610 01:28:45,595 --> 01:28:49,554 ...and you're the hard-core bitch that I've always dreamed of. 2611 01:29:09,919 --> 01:29:10,908 What about you? 2612 01:29:11,754 --> 01:29:15,246 -When are you gonna get hitched? -Actually, I'm not. I'm gay. 2613 01:29:16,425 --> 01:29:17,687 Me too. 2614 01:29:17,927 --> 01:29:19,155 Really? 2615 01:29:19,896 --> 01:29:22,694 By the power vested in me by the state of Washington... 2616 01:29:22,899 --> 01:29:25,561 ...I now pronounce you man and wife. 2617 01:29:25,768 --> 01:29:27,429 You may kiss the bride. 2618 01:29:30,273 --> 01:29:32,901 I now pronounce you man and wife. 2619 01:29:33,109 --> 01:29:35,043 You may kiss the bride. 2620 01:29:37,747 --> 01:29:41,239 I now pronounce you man and man. 2621 01:29:41,450 --> 01:29:43,384 You may kiss the man. 2622 01:30:05,474 --> 01:30:07,465 Come on, we need you for this one.