1
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:10,083
Dr. Grayson was never in london
at the time of the murder.
2
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:15,588
In fact, the good doctor stayed in a small
hotel in Melksham on the night in question.
3
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:18,591
He then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train...
4
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,595
disguised as Sir Mortimer
turret's Valet, Burton,
5
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:27,100
making sure his arrival was
noted by the ticket inspector.
6
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,104
From then on, his plan was
simplicity itself.
7
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:36,609
Knowing it was Burton's day off,
he had no difficulty in entering
Hellrake Hall unobserved...
8
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:40,113
And murdering Sir Mortimer with the
arrow from the astrolabe...
9
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:44,117
which he had sharpened
on the stone knife grinder
by the scullery window.
10
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:50,123
"Remember my query about
brass knives at the time ?
11
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:55,128
I was worried about
those metal shavings."
12
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,130
"By jove, Lord Merridew, sir,
13
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,133
"You don't miss a trick.
14
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,636
But since you appear
to know so much, sir,"
15
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,639
continued the inspector humbly,
16
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:11,644
"I wonder if you would explain
how the murderer managed to
leave the body of his victim...
17
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,147
"in the middle of the tennis
court and effect his escape...
18
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,650
"without leaving any tracks
behind him in the red dust.
19
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:22,655
Frankly, sir, we in the Police
Force are just plain baffled."
20
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:33,666
St. John Lord Merridew,
the great detective,
21
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,668
rose majestically,
22
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:40,173
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
23
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:44,177
Slowly, he brushed the
crumbs of seedy cake...
24
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:47,180
from the folds of his
pendulous waistcoat.
25
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,683
"The Police may be baffled,
Inspector," he boomed,
26
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:52,685
"But Merridew is not.
27
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:57,190
"Thirty years ago, the
murderer, Dr. Grayson,
28
00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,193
was a prominent member
of the Ballets Russes,
29
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:03,196
dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
30
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,200
And though the years had
altered his appearance somewhat,
31
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,202
yet his old skill
had not deserted him.
32
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,704
He carried the body to
the center of the court,
33
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,207
walking on his points...
34
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:18,711
along the white tape which separated
the service boxes, and from there...
35
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:21,714
he threw it seven feet into the court,
36
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:24,217
close to the baseline where it was found.
37
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,720
And then, with a neatly executed fouetté,
38
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,724
he faced about and went
back the way he had come,
39
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:35,228
thus leaving no traces.
40
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:39,732
And that, Inspector, is
Merridew's solution."
41
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,735
Hello !
Are you there ?
42
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,738
Mr. Wyke ?
43
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,241
- Mr. Wyke ?
- Who's there ?
44
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,743
It's me, Milo Tindle.
I think you're expecting me.
45
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,746
Yes, indeed. So good of you to come.
Won't you join me ?
46
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:57,750
Well, I have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
47
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,256
Here we are.
48
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,264
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
I designed it myself.
49
00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:15,268
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
50
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,270
I must say, you're not an
easy man to drop in on.
51
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,273
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
52
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,776
- I'm Andrew Wyke. Welcome to Cloak Manor.
- Thank you.
53
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,279
I found your note when I came down
from London this afternoon.
54
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,781
Oh, good. Yes.
I hoped you'd be here this weekend,
55
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:32,285
so I pushed it through your letter
box a little earlier today.
56
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,787
Well, now, what will
you have to drink ?
57
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,290
- Uh, vodka and tonic, please.
- Ah. Of course.
58
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:41,794
- How are you settling in here
at laundry cottage ?
- Very well, thank you.
59
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,297
Using it for weekends,
that sort of thing ?
60
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,799
Yes, that sort of thing.
61
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:50,303
Vodka-- I don't seem to
have any out here. Is--
62
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,306
- Gin will do.
- Good.
63
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,808
Charming little place,
Laundry cottage--
64
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,810
Ideal for relaxations of all kinds.
65
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,813
Unfortunately, I don't
have time for them myself.
66
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:04,317
As a matter of fact, I've just
dictated the denouement...
67
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,320
of my new book,
‘Death by double fault.’
68
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,823
I must say, it's gone extremely well.
Ah, then.
69
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:14,327
Soda, soda, soda, soda--
70
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,829
Oh, dear. Doesn't seem to be
any tonic here either.
71
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:19,332
It's awful.
Here, shall we go indoors ?
72
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,335
- Whatever you like.
- Good.
73
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,838
Tell me, do you agree that
the detective story is...
74
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,841
the normal recreation of noble minds ?
75
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,345
I'm afraid I don't know
very much about noble minds.
76
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,348
- Is it supposed to be ?
- I'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
77
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,350
a biographer of the '30s,
78
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,354
the golden age when every Cabinet Minister
had a thriller by his bedside,
79
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,357
and all detectives were titled.
80
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,860
- Before your time, I expect.
- Somewhat. Let me carry that.
81
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,363
Oh, thank you so much. Very good of you.
82
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:54,867
Yet, you know, even today, I still
set my works among the gentry,
83
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:59,872
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them in spite of
our classless society.
84
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,375
I imagine they do a great deal
of your stuff on television.
85
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,378
Oh, God forbid. I'd never permit it.
86
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,382
And, uh, incidentally,
it's not "stuff." No.
87
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,385
Television's not my line
of country at all.
88
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,888
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
89
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,392
And, therefore,
no recreation for noble minds ?
90
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,895
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if I may so address you.
91
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,399
Oh, you might as well. We're all on
first-name terms these days, Andrew.
92
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:30,903
Of course we are. And you and I do
need to be friendly, do we not ?
93
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:55,928
How do you like your drink-- with ice ?
94
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:59,432
With ice ?
95
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,434
Uh, yes, please.
96
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,452
What does he do ?
97
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,959
Oh, that's Jolly Jack Tar,
the jovial sailor.
98
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,462
He and I have a really
splendid relationship.
99
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,465
I make the jokes,
and he laughs at them.
100
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:36,969
Here, mein Freund. Put
that behind your necktie.
101
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,971
- He didn't laugh.
- No, he wasn't meant to.
102
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,974
- I thought you were trying to be funny.
- You'll know it when I am.
103
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,977
- I see. Cheers.
- Prost.
104
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:53,486
- What's this ?
- That is an intensely complicated...
105
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,488
fourth dynasty blocking game called Senat.
106
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,491
I've been studying the thing for months,
but I'm still only a beginner.
107
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:02,495
I wonder if you'd mind putting
that back. It's taken me rather
a long time to get it there.
108
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,998
The center column,
fourth from your right.
109
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,000
Well, now,
110
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,170
I understand you want to marry my wife.
111
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:18,094
Forgive me raising the matter,
but as Marguerite is away for
a few days in the north...
112
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,596
visiting relatives, I thought this
might be an appropriate moment...
113
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,599
for you and me to have a little chat.
114
00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:28,104
- I see.
- Well, uh, is it true ?
115
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:32,108
Yes. With your permission, of course.
116
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:36,612
Why not ? You seem to be a personable
enough young man-- nicely spoken,
117
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:39,615
neatly dressed in brand-new
country gentleman's clothing.
118
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:43,619
I'm sure you won't mind me asking you
a few questions about your background--
119
00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:46,622
parents and so forth.
120
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:51,127
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
121
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:55,631
And my father is an Italian who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
122
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:59,635
- In the '30s. Jewish ?
- No, catholic-- very devout.
123
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:01,637
Of course, I'm not
religious at all myself.
124
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:06,142
My dear boy, you don't have to excuse
yourself to me. We're all liberals here.
125
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:10,646
I have no prejudice against catholics,
Not even lapsed catholics.
126
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:15,151
In fact, some of my best friends
are lapsed catholics.
127
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:18,154
But tell me about your father.
Was his name Tindle too ?
128
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:20,656
No, his name was Tindolini.
129
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:23,159
But if you had a name
like that in those days,
130
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,161
you had to make-a de ice cream-a.
131
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:27,663
He was a watchmaker,
132
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,666
and he wanted us to become
English, so he changed it.
133
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:34,170
"Become" English.
134
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,172
Was he a successful man ?
135
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,675
No. As a matter of fact, he wasn't.
136
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:43,679
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
137
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,682
He went broke in the end.
I always told him he would.
138
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:50,686
Hmm. Well, it must make him
something of a burden to you.
139
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:54,690
Yeah, it-it does a bit.
140
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,193
He never went back, you see.
141
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,695
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
142
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,697
And you-- what do you do ?
143
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:06,702
Don't you know ?
144
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:11,707
I have a hairdressing salon in South
Kensington-- Casa tindolini.
145
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,709
Oh, you can use that word
these days, can you ?
146
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:17,213
People don't take it for an ice-cream salon ?
- No, the birds--
147
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,715
the ladies seem to like
the continental touch.
148
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,718
English too wholesome for them, eh ?
149
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:25,721
Yeah, well, it's-- it's not chic, you see.
150
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:30,226
We found that it pays to provide
the latin lover atmosphere.
151
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:33,729
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker in the
Brighton shop. They're less sophisticated.
152
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:38,734
I mean to say, in London half of them
have actually got-- latin lovers ?
153
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:46,242
And where do you live-- above,
behind or below your shop ?
154
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,246
I lease a mews house nearby.
It's convenient and attractive.
155
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,248
It's Georgian, actually.
156
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:56,252
From Genoa to Georgian in a single
generation, eh ? Not bad.
157
00:13:56,252 --> 00:14:00,756
But I doubt whether an 18th century
architectural gem in South Kensington...
158
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,759
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
159
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:06,762
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
160
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:09,765
I understood she already was living
in it, once or twice a week at least.
161
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,768
I'm not mistaken, am I ?
162
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,774
And that your motive in renting the cottage
down here was to increase the incidence...
163
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:22,278
of this biweekly coupling.
- Is that what you asked me
over here to chat about ?
164
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:26,282
Never speak ill of the deadly.
165
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:30,286
If I choose to say that my wife
converses like a child of six...
166
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,789
and makes love like an extinct
shellfish, I shall,
167
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:36,792
and I don't need to ask her lover's
permission to do so either.
168
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:40,796
- Thank you for the drink.
- Oh, my. Now, now, I thought
you were brought up in England.
169
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:42,798
Surely you know it's not done to be rude.
170
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:45,801
You were being rude about
a woman I'm in love with.
171
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:49,722
- On the contrary. I was
reminiscing about my wife.
- It comes to the same thing.
172
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,725
Things mostly do, you know. I'll
wager that in a year's time...
173
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:56,729
it'll be you who'll be being rude about
Marguerite and I who'll be being rhapsodic,
174
00:14:56,729 --> 00:15:02,234
having quite forgotten how
intolerably tiresome, vain,
spendthrift, self-indulgent...
175
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:04,737
and generally bloody crafty she really is !
176
00:15:07,189 --> 00:15:10,693
Can you afford to take her off my hands ?
177
00:15:17,199 --> 00:15:21,203
- "Afford to" ?
- Support her in the style to
which she was not accustomed...
178
00:15:21,203 --> 00:15:24,206
before she met me, but now is.
179
00:15:24,206 --> 00:15:27,710
Well, I'm not a millionaire,
but I'm not starving either.
180
00:15:28,210 --> 00:15:32,715
The shop in London's doing all right. The
one in Brighton is almost breaking even.
181
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:34,717
- By this time next year--
- This year, next year, sometime, never.
182
00:15:34,717 --> 00:15:38,721
What you're really saying is
that at present, you're skint.
183
00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:41,724
- We'll survive.
- Survival is scarcely the point.
184
00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:45,227
Presumably, when you're married
to Marguerite, you'll want
a place on the Riviera,
185
00:15:45,227 --> 00:15:48,230
fast car, couple of mistresses.
- "Presumably" ?
186
00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:51,233
- Just because you need those things ?
- No, just this fading mansion,
187
00:15:51,233 --> 00:15:54,737
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
and only one mistress, I'm afraid.
188
00:15:54,737 --> 00:15:57,740
Tea, the Finnish bird who runs
the sauna in Salisbury.
189
00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,742
Oh, you know about Tea, do you ?
190
00:15:59,742 --> 00:16:02,244
Marguerite and I have no
secrets from each other.
191
00:16:02,244 --> 00:16:04,747
Not even mine, it seems.
192
00:16:04,747 --> 00:16:07,249
Tea is a Karelian Goddess.
193
00:16:07,249 --> 00:16:09,752
Her golden hair smells of pine,
194
00:16:10,252 --> 00:16:14,256
and her cobalt eyes are the secret
forest pools of Finlandia.
195
00:16:14,256 --> 00:16:18,761
I hear she's a well-scrubbed blonde with
all the sex appeal of a secondhand jeep.
196
00:16:18,761 --> 00:16:20,763
Not so, dear boy. You can take it from me.
197
00:16:21,263 --> 00:16:23,766
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
198
00:16:23,766 --> 00:16:26,268
Mind you, she takes a
bit of keeping up with.
199
00:16:26,268 --> 00:16:30,773
It's a good thing I am pretty much
of an olympic sexual athlete.
200
00:16:30,773 --> 00:16:35,277
Yes, I suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints...
201
00:16:35,277 --> 00:16:37,780
than on the long-distance stuff.
202
00:16:37,780 --> 00:16:40,282
Not so, dear boy.
I'm in the pink of condition.
203
00:16:40,282 --> 00:16:44,286
I could copulate for England
at any distance.
204
00:16:44,286 --> 00:16:46,789
Red.
205
00:16:46,789 --> 00:16:48,791
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
206
00:16:49,291 --> 00:16:53,295
it's not the winning, it's
the taking part that counts.
207
00:16:53,295 --> 00:16:57,299
- Are you going to marry her ?
- Oh, no, no, no. I just
want to live with her.
208
00:16:57,299 --> 00:17:01,804
- So what's stopping you ?
- Basically the firm of
Prurien and Pry, ltd.,
209
00:17:01,804 --> 00:17:04,306
Whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
210
00:17:04,306 --> 00:17:06,308
Don't be so innocent.
211
00:17:06,308 --> 00:17:11,814
Those nicotine-stained private
detectives have been camping
outside Tea's for the last week.
212
00:17:11,814 --> 00:17:17,319
It was an insurance policy
to keep you from changing
your mind about the divorce.
213
00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:19,822
- How do you know I wasn't
having you watched, hmm ?
- Why not ?
214
00:17:19,822 --> 00:17:23,826
Afraid of what you might find out ?
Or didn't you think that was possible ?
215
00:17:23,826 --> 00:17:25,828
Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
216
00:17:25,828 --> 00:17:29,832
Of course I knew they'd find you and
Marguerite rutting away like crazed weasels.
217
00:17:29,832 --> 00:17:34,837
But why should I pay good money
to have something confirmed
which I'd known for months ?
218
00:17:35,337 --> 00:17:39,842
- Black.
- Then if you knew, why didn't
you do something about it ?
219
00:17:39,842 --> 00:17:43,345
I had to assure myself that you and
Marguerite were going to be a fixture.
220
00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:47,349
You see, I want to lose the
dear girl for life, not just...
221
00:17:47,349 --> 00:17:52,354
a two-week Tindolini perm, set and touch-up.
222
00:17:55,858 --> 00:17:58,360
- Good shot.
- Yes, it was. Yellow.
223
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,780
You see, you don't know her as well as
I do. You think you do, but you don't.
224
00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:05,284
If you fail her, by which I mean
cancelling the account at Harrod's...
225
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:07,786
or shortchanging her on winters in Jamaica,
226
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:11,290
She'll be back to me in a
jiffy, mewing for support.
227
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:15,294
And, guilty wife or no, she
may be entitled to get it.
228
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:18,297
- Green.
- Money isn't everything.
229
00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:21,800
And what if she is used to
luxury ? Whose fault is that ?
230
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,803
It's not a fault if you can afford it.
231
00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:26,805
But can you ?
232
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:30,809
Knowing you to be hard up-- brown--
233
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:33,812
has she shown any signs
of mending her ways...
234
00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:37,816
in these last, idyllic three months ?
235
00:18:37,816 --> 00:18:43,322
Blue. When, for instance,
did she last turn down
Dom Perignon in favor of--
236
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:47,826
no offense, mind you-- the
persuasive charms of Dago Red ?
237
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,828
Black.
238
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:57,169
No, I'm not joking. How much has
this brief liaison cost you so far ?
239
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:04,176
And that old Dad of yours in Soho--
when did you last send him any money ?
240
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:07,179
We have talked about money.
241
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,181
Often I've told her we spend too much.
242
00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:12,184
- She takes no notice ?
- No.
243
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,688
Silvery laugh.
Coquettish turn of the head.
244
00:19:16,688 --> 00:19:19,691
Something like that.
245
00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:23,195
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that I've invited you here tonight.
246
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:27,199
And this, as they say, is
where the plot thickens.
247
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,701
What plot ?
248
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:40,212
Whatever are you doing with
that cue in your hand ?
249
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,214
I was waiting for you to miss.
250
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:44,216
Foolish boy.
251
00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:48,220
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
252
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:52,224
there was an Englishman called Andrew Wyke,
253
00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:57,729
who, in common with most of his countrymen,
was virtually castrated by taxation.
254
00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:00,732
To avoid total emasculation,
his accountants advised him...
255
00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:05,737
To put a considerable part of
his money, some 250,000 pounds,
256
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:08,240
into jewelry.
257
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,242
His wife, of course, was delighted.
258
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:14,246
- Marguerite never told me you'd
given her any jewelry.
- Oh, nor did I, of course.
259
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,748
It's still mine, as well she knows.
260
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:20,752
We just thought it would be more amusing
for her to wear it than for me to bank it.
261
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:22,754
After all, it's fully insured.
262
00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:25,757
I see what you mean by the plot thickening.
263
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:31,263
I'm glad you follow me so readily. You
see, I want you to steal that jewelry.
264
00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:42,774
Tonight, for choice. With Marguerite
away, it's an admirable opportunity.
265
00:20:42,774 --> 00:20:46,778
- What about the servants ?
- I've sent Mr. And Mrs. Hawkins
away to the seaside...
266
00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:49,781
for a 48-hour paddle-- they won't
be back till Sunday night.
267
00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:53,285
So, you see, the house is empty.
268
00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:01,293
Cheers.
269
00:21:01,793 --> 00:21:05,297
- Well, what do you say ?
- It sounds distinctly criminal.
270
00:21:05,297 --> 00:21:10,302
Well, of course it's criminal !
All good moneymaking schemes in
England have to be these days.
271
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:12,304
Now, the jewelry, when it's not in the bank,
272
00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:17,309
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
273
00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:19,311
Where, for instance, would you look for it ?
274
00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:43,835
Good likeness, would you say ?
275
00:21:43,835 --> 00:21:49,341
Of course, it's 17--
no, 18 years ago.
276
00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:52,844
I don't think you'd hide your safe behind
it. I've seen that in too many movies.
277
00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:57,349
Good thinking ! All right then, where ?
Are you up to finding it ?
278
00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:03,915
There are certain skills best acquired
in public bars, I suppose,
279
00:23:03,915 --> 00:23:08,420
but whatever made you think, hmm ?
- You and your games.
280
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,423
That is the only game in this room.
281
00:23:11,923 --> 00:23:14,426
Hmm. Very clever.
282
00:23:14,426 --> 00:23:16,928
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
All you have to do is steal them,
283
00:23:16,928 --> 00:23:20,432
Sell them abroad and live happily
ever after with Marguerite.
284
00:23:20,432 --> 00:23:23,935
All I have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
285
00:23:23,935 --> 00:23:26,438
Is that what you asked me over to hear--
286
00:23:26,438 --> 00:23:30,442
A grotty little plot to defraud
the insurance company ?
287
00:23:30,942 --> 00:23:32,944
I'm sorry you find the plot grotty.
288
00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:35,947
Personally, I thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
289
00:23:35,947 --> 00:23:39,951
Look, supposing I do as you say
and nick-- uh, steal the jewels.
290
00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:44,456
If I sell them under my own name, I'll get
picked up the moment you report the loss.
291
00:23:44,956 --> 00:23:47,959
If I sell them to a fence, always
presuming I could find one,
292
00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:50,962
He'd carve me up, I'd get a
fraction of their value.
293
00:23:51,463 --> 00:23:53,965
- Not with the fences I know.
- What fences would you know ?
294
00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:56,968
The finest in Europe--
Prudent, yet prodigal.
295
00:23:56,968 --> 00:24:01,473
I first met them while I was researching for
the deadly affair of the Druce Diamond.
296
00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:04,476
Surely you've read it.
297
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:09,981
Pity. An absolute corker.
In any case, on your behalf,
298
00:24:09,981 --> 00:24:12,484
I have already contacted a certain
gentleman in Amsterdam.
299
00:24:12,984 --> 00:24:16,988
He'll treat you very well. You won't get
the full amount for the jewels, of course,
300
00:24:16,988 --> 00:24:19,991
but you'll get about two thirds, say,
301
00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:23,995
170,000 pounds.
302
00:24:23,995 --> 00:24:28,500
- You'll get it in cash.
- 170,000 quid ?
303
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,502
Cash.
304
00:24:31,503 --> 00:24:33,505
Why should this fellow pay so much ?
305
00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:38,510
Because he will get what no fence
ever gets-- the title to the jewels.
306
00:24:38,510 --> 00:24:41,513
You see, in addition to stealing the jewels,
307
00:24:41,513 --> 00:24:47,018
you have also to take the
receipts I got for them.
308
00:24:47,018 --> 00:24:52,023
Now, what does my insurance
company discover as it swings
ponderously into action,
309
00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:55,026
antennae pulsing with suspicion ?
310
00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:58,530
It discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke...
311
00:24:58,530 --> 00:25:03,535
sold the jewels for 170,000 pounds cash,
312
00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:06,538
but they still have to pay me.
313
00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:09,040
Hard cheese.
314
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,544
Think it over. Take your time.
315
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:28,860
Look, I know this sounds stupid, but,
316
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:31,279
have you had any experience--
317
00:25:31,279 --> 00:25:35,283
I mean, have you ever, actually,
committed a crime before ?
318
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:39,788
St. John Lord Merridew would
have a pretty lean time of it...
319
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,790
if I didn't think up any
crimes for him to solve.
320
00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:43,792
St. John Lord who ?
321
00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:48,797
- You're joking.
- What about ?
322
00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:52,300
Who is St. John Lord Merridew ?
323
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:55,804
Why, even Marguerite when I first
met her knew and adored him.
324
00:25:56,304 --> 00:26:00,308
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilized world...
325
00:26:00,308 --> 00:26:04,813
with a nose for smelling out evil
superior to anything in the Force.
326
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:10,318
Oh, yes. The Police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they ?
327
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:15,824
They never solve anything. It's always the
amateur sleuth who knows what's going on.
328
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:20,829
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact. This is real.
329
00:26:20,829 --> 00:26:22,948
I'm well aware of the
difference, my dear Milo,
330
00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:27,452
but I'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
331
00:26:27,452 --> 00:26:29,955
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me--
332
00:26:29,955 --> 00:26:32,457
I'm not sure that I do.
333
00:26:32,958 --> 00:26:35,460
That's why it's a very
difficult decision to make.
334
00:26:35,460 --> 00:26:37,462
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
335
00:26:37,963 --> 00:26:39,965
You have an expensive woman and no money.
336
00:26:40,465 --> 00:26:43,969
Yeah, but why don't you steal the bloody
jewels and simply hand them over to me ?
337
00:26:43,969 --> 00:26:47,973
I should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look real.
338
00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:49,975
This house has actually to be broken into.
339
00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:52,978
Then why don't you break into it ?
340
00:26:52,978 --> 00:26:55,480
It's a question of agility
for one thing, dear boy.
341
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,483
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favor.
342
00:26:58,483 --> 00:27:00,485
Let me handle this. Know what I mean ?
343
00:27:00,485 --> 00:27:04,990
Crime is my bag. I got this caper
all worked out to the last detail.
344
00:27:07,993 --> 00:27:12,998
170,000 pounds.
345
00:27:13,999 --> 00:27:17,502
Cash, tax-free.
346
00:27:19,504 --> 00:27:25,010
It would take an awful lot of
Tindolini's tonsorial teasing
to raise that kind of money.
347
00:27:26,011 --> 00:27:28,513
All right. I'll do it.
348
00:27:28,513 --> 00:27:31,516
- Where do you want me to break in ?
- No, no, no, no. Not so fast.
349
00:27:31,516 --> 00:27:34,519
You've got to get disguised first.
350
00:27:34,519 --> 00:27:39,024
- What for ?
- What if somebody saw you climbing in ?
351
00:27:39,024 --> 00:27:41,526
Here ? In the middle of nowhere ?
352
00:27:41,526 --> 00:27:43,528
I could hardly find this
place with a bloody map !
353
00:27:44,029 --> 00:27:46,531
You never know !
354
00:27:46,531 --> 00:27:50,035
A dallying couple, a passing sheep rapist.
355
00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:54,539
Besides, don't forget the clues
we've got to leave for the Police
and insurance company.
356
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:58,043
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds...
357
00:27:58,043 --> 00:28:00,045
Or your coat button snagged
on the window sill.
358
00:28:00,045 --> 00:28:03,048
No, no, no ! You must be disguised !
359
00:28:03,048 --> 00:28:05,050
All right. How ?
360
00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:10,055
Please to follow me, number one son.
361
00:28:13,058 --> 00:28:18,563
You know, my dear Milo, in the good
old days, before television, that is,
362
00:28:18,563 --> 00:28:21,566
People constructed the pleasures
of life for themselves.
363
00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:24,069
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
364
00:28:24,069 --> 00:28:27,572
They didn't just sit, stare.
365
00:28:28,073 --> 00:28:30,575
Why, in this house there
was scarcely a weekend...
366
00:28:30,575 --> 00:28:35,580
without its treasure hunts, charades,
games of infinite variety.
367
00:28:35,580 --> 00:28:38,083
Makeup and dress up--
368
00:28:38,083 --> 00:28:42,087
there was virtually no end to
the concealment of identity.
369
00:28:42,087 --> 00:28:46,091
- But surely Marguerite has told you.
- Actually she never mentioned it.
370
00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:51,096
Well, it was all some time ago.
371
00:28:51,596 --> 00:28:54,099
Aha ! A few scenes from some of my books,
372
00:28:54,099 --> 00:28:56,601
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
373
00:28:56,601 --> 00:28:59,104
The necrophilic barber of Tunbridge Wells,
374
00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:03,608
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
375
00:29:04,109 --> 00:29:06,611
Oh ! And here's my favorite.
376
00:29:06,611 --> 00:29:09,614
- Now, this really is ingenious. Do look--
- Andrew,
377
00:29:09,614 --> 00:29:11,616
we were looking for a disguise.
378
00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:15,620
Ah, quite so, dear boy. So we were.
Ah, here we are.
379
00:29:16,121 --> 00:29:20,125
The old dressing-up basket, our old
treasure chest of make-believe.
380
00:29:20,125 --> 00:29:23,128
Let's see what we've got.
Ah, this should suit.
381
00:29:23,128 --> 00:29:27,632
Item-- one black face mask,
one black flat cap,
382
00:29:27,632 --> 00:29:30,635
a striped jersey and a bag marked "swag."
383
00:29:31,136 --> 00:29:33,638
Why not a neon sign with "burglar" on it ?
384
00:29:34,139 --> 00:29:38,143
You may have a point. One of my favorites !
385
00:29:38,143 --> 00:29:42,647
The ecclesiastical housebreaker,
Brother Lightfingers.
386
00:29:42,647 --> 00:29:45,650
Perhaps we shall never know the
identity of the cowled figure...
387
00:29:45,650 --> 00:29:48,653
seen haunting the grounds of the old manor
house on the night of the terrible murder,
388
00:29:49,154 --> 00:29:52,157
if living identity it had.
389
00:29:52,157 --> 00:29:58,163
And there are those to this day who
claim to hear the agonized screams...
390
00:29:58,163 --> 00:30:03,168
of the victim echoing through
the chimney ports !
391
00:30:03,168 --> 00:30:06,171
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about !
392
00:30:06,671 --> 00:30:09,674
Haven't you just got an
old pair of sneakers,
393
00:30:09,674 --> 00:30:12,177
a raincoat and a sock I
can put over my head ?
394
00:30:12,177 --> 00:30:15,680
Old pair of sneakers and a sock ?
395
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,682
Milo, where's your sense of style ?
396
00:30:17,682 --> 00:30:21,186
We must give our crime the
true sparkle of the '30s,
397
00:30:21,186 --> 00:30:24,689
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
398
00:30:24,689 --> 00:30:29,194
Don't you feel the need to give your old
archenemy, Inspector Plodder of the Yard,
399
00:30:29,194 --> 00:30:31,696
a run for his money ?
400
00:30:32,197 --> 00:30:36,701
Monsieur Beaucaire !
Milo, this is you !
401
00:30:36,701 --> 00:30:40,205
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots,
402
00:30:42,207 --> 00:30:44,709
and all the snuff you could want.
403
00:30:46,711 --> 00:30:49,214
Oh, groovy !
404
00:30:49,214 --> 00:30:53,218
Look. I might even do
the whole thing in drag.
405
00:30:56,221 --> 00:30:58,723
Kiss me, you fool.
406
00:31:00,225 --> 00:31:03,228
I can fight it no longer, Darling.
407
00:31:03,228 --> 00:31:08,233
If you must go, don't look back.
Andrew--
408
00:31:08,233 --> 00:31:10,735
Jesus Christ ! Who's that ?
409
00:31:10,735 --> 00:31:13,738
So that's where you've been,
auntie Maude. Naughty girl.
410
00:31:13,738 --> 00:31:15,740
Shall we decide on the dress then ?
411
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:19,744
- No, I don't like it.
- Oh, well, you are a
choosy one, aren't you ?
412
00:31:19,744 --> 00:31:22,247
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deal left.
413
00:31:22,247 --> 00:31:25,250
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
414
00:31:26,251 --> 00:31:29,254
Joey !
415
00:31:29,254 --> 00:31:31,756
Now you're talking. A clown !
416
00:31:32,257 --> 00:31:35,260
Can't you see it all-- the sawdust ring,
417
00:31:35,260 --> 00:31:38,263
the tinsel, the glitter, the lights ?
418
00:31:38,263 --> 00:31:40,765
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowd.
419
00:31:40,765 --> 00:31:42,767
Merry Milo Tindle, the kiddies' delight !
420
00:31:43,268 --> 00:31:46,771
- This is all right.
- Off with your jacket !
421
00:31:47,772 --> 00:31:50,275
- That's right. Your shirt
and your trousers.
- What for ?
422
00:31:50,275 --> 00:31:53,778
Oh, we don't want the Police to find
any fibers from this beautiful cloth.
423
00:31:53,778 --> 00:31:56,281
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
424
00:31:56,281 --> 00:31:59,284
- We won't take any risks, you and I.
- That's right.
425
00:31:59,284 --> 00:32:01,286
Down to your smalls. Don't be shy.
426
00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:07,292
I know a well brought-up boy
when I see one !
427
00:32:07,792 --> 00:32:09,794
Folds his trousers at night !
428
00:32:09,794 --> 00:32:15,800
170,000 pounds
429
00:32:16,301 --> 00:32:19,804
tax-a-free cash
430
00:32:19,804 --> 00:32:25,310
Eccomilo
Eccomilo
431
00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:28,313
Hey ! Slap shoes !
432
00:32:28,313 --> 00:32:30,315
Do you know, I've always
wanted a pair of these,
433
00:32:30,315 --> 00:32:33,318
ever since my father took me to
the Palladium when I was a kid.
434
00:32:33,318 --> 00:32:36,321
I might have got on in show business,
you know. You never know.
435
00:32:36,321 --> 00:32:39,324
A lot of my friends did. They
got to the top. You know how ?
436
00:32:39,824 --> 00:32:42,827
They danced their way in.
Danced their way in.
437
00:32:44,829 --> 00:32:47,832
You know, I guess that vaudeville's
loss was hairdressing's gain.
438
00:32:48,333 --> 00:32:50,835
- Talking of gain, are we ready ?
- Yes !
439
00:32:50,835 --> 00:32:54,339
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please !
440
00:32:54,339 --> 00:32:56,841
The Grand Parade !
441
00:33:07,852 --> 00:33:13,491
Make way for Tindolini,
The kiddies' favorite !
442
00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:16,995
Crazier than Kelly !
Greater than Grock !
443
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:20,498
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
in the center ring,
444
00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:25,003
The king of the clowns,
Milo, the merry madcap !
445
00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:31,009
- He thinks I'm funny !
- Oh, you are funny.
446
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:34,512
Turn it off !
447
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:38,016
Now, then. One glass cutter
for breaking in with.
448
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:43,021
One piece of putty for holding on
to the piece of glass so it doesn't
clatter to the ground...
449
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:47,025
and awake the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
you suspect lurks inside.
450
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:49,527
- And one stethoscope.
- Stethoscope ?
451
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:53,531
Safebreakers, for the use of.
The theory is, you tried to
pick the lock of the safe...
452
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:57,535
By listening to the tumblers-- you failed
and had to resort to dynamite.
453
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:02,540
- Dynamite ? What for ?
- Safes, for the blowing open of.
But leave that to me.
454
00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:08,546
Now, how about a bizarre touch ?
A tear-drenched pom-pom impaled
upon a splinter of glass ?
455
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:10,548
Why not take a full-page ad in the Times...
456
00:34:10,548 --> 00:34:13,051
And sell tickets for the cops
to come and watch ?
457
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:16,554
Pom-poms. I was only trying to lighten
Inspector Plodder's day for him,
458
00:34:16,554 --> 00:34:19,557
but if you don't like--
- There is no such animal as
Inspector Plodder...
459
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:21,559
outside your detective stories !
460
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:26,064
It'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
who knows his job down to the last detail !
461
00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:28,566
You can bet your bottom dollar on that !
462
00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:31,569
And I can't move in this outfit !
These bloody boots are ridiculous !
463
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:36,574
But you loved them so ! Do keep them on !
Can't you see the headlines ?
464
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:38,576
"Wiltshire paralyzed, Police baffled.
465
00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:40,578
Where will Big Boot strike next ?"
466
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:43,081
Right in the ass, that's where-- mine.
467
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:48,086
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professional,
468
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:51,089
realizing that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
469
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:53,091
decided to disguise his own.
470
00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:56,594
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything ?
471
00:34:56,594 --> 00:35:00,098
- Glass cutter, putty...
- Yes, yes, yes.
472
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:03,101
- And the stethoscope ?
- I've got everything.
473
00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,603
Oh, Milo, you are marvelous.
474
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:10,108
- You are the complete clown.
- Thank you.
475
00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:14,612
Very clever !
476
00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:17,615
Now, come along with me
and listen carefully.
477
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:25,123
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
478
00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:27,625
In the far corner you'll find a shed.
In the shed you'll find a ladder.
479
00:35:27,625 --> 00:35:31,129
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room...
480
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:34,632
so that you can break in on the upper
landing-- understanding ?
481
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,136
- Upperlanding ?
- Yes.
482
00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:41,139
I suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you ?
483
00:35:41,639 --> 00:35:44,642
Certainly not. I don't want my
footprints in the flower beds.
484
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:47,145
- I'm not very good at heights.
- Well, don't look down.
485
00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:51,149
Concentrate instead on thick
bundles of crisp pound notes,
486
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:54,652
170,000 of them, in cash, tax-free.
487
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:56,654
Good luck, partner.
488
00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:04,662
- Don't forget your gloves.
- What a way to make a living.
489
00:38:04,782 --> 00:38:06,784
Puss, Puss, Puss.
490
00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:10,288
Did you hear a noise, Puss, hmm ?
491
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:13,291
Was that a footstep in the garden ?
492
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:17,295
No, no. I must be mistaken.
There it is again.
493
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,320
What's that ?
494
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,823
Somebody outside, prowling around
the grounds, I'm certain of it.
495
00:39:21,859 --> 00:39:25,363
Now, now, now. We mustn't imagine things.
496
00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:29,367
Who would harm a kindly
old spinster like me ?
497
00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:32,870
The front door's locked
and the windows too.
498
00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:38,376
Aye, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
499
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:47,885
For Christ's sake, Milo !
They couldn't have made
more noise on D-Day !
500
00:39:47,885 --> 00:39:51,889
The bloody glass came out, me
bloody boot got stuck, and I
fell down the bloody ladder !
501
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:55,393
Well, the bloody Police must have heard
it all the way to bloody Salisbury !
502
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:57,895
I'm sorry !
503
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,946
Somehow I thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
504
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:58,456
- Now for the jewels.
- Oh, not straightaway.
505
00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:03,461
You're not supposed to know where they are.
You have to hunt about a bit first.
506
00:41:03,461 --> 00:41:08,466
Disturb a few things. If you'd be good
enough to follow me, Miss Rebecca.
507
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,479
A turnstile into the bedrooms ?
508
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:25,483
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
509
00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:36,026
The Mistress's bedroom--
or would you know your way about ?
510
00:41:36,026 --> 00:41:40,531
- The Mistress or her bedroom ?
- It's irrelevant.
511
00:41:40,531 --> 00:41:44,034
Now, Milo, where to begin, hmm ?
512
00:41:44,034 --> 00:41:48,539
The bottom drawer, the trousseau drawer ?
513
00:41:48,539 --> 00:41:53,544
Ah, the frillies !
Take 'em out ! Vandalize them !
514
00:41:53,544 --> 00:41:57,047
Come on, Milo. You're a burglar,
not a Lady's maid.
515
00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,552
Don't pack them. Ravage them !
Come on, Milo !
516
00:42:03,554 --> 00:42:08,559
Oh, excellent. Now tear that.
That's better !
517
00:42:08,559 --> 00:42:13,063
Now, where would Milady hide the trophies
of her skilled accomplishments, hmm ?
518
00:42:13,564 --> 00:42:17,067
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds, sapphires...
519
00:42:17,067 --> 00:42:21,071
Interleaved among her
lace-edged underclothes,
520
00:42:21,071 --> 00:42:24,575
Stuffed into the false bottoms of hat boxes,
521
00:42:24,575 --> 00:42:29,580
Sewn into the hems of always
the latest, had-to-have,
522
00:42:29,580 --> 00:42:31,582
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses.
523
00:42:31,582 --> 00:42:34,585
Or perhaps secretly...
524
00:42:34,585 --> 00:42:38,088
concealed in the back of this.
525
00:42:38,088 --> 00:42:40,591
What better safe deposit for deceit, hmm ?
526
00:42:40,591 --> 00:42:44,595
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray ?
527
00:42:44,595 --> 00:42:49,099
The mouth that lied
and kissed and lied again !
528
00:42:49,099 --> 00:42:52,603
I thought it was me who was supposed
to be doing the ravaging.
529
00:42:52,603 --> 00:42:55,105
So it was, so it was.
Merely demonstrating, I was.
530
00:42:55,606 --> 00:43:00,611
- Be a good fellow. Stamp on that, will you ?
- Why me ?
531
00:43:00,611 --> 00:43:04,114
I'm afraid if I broke it, I'd get
seven more years of Marguerite.
532
00:43:05,115 --> 00:43:08,118
Thank you.
533
00:43:14,124 --> 00:43:16,627
- Now where's your bedroom ?
- M-mine ?
534
00:43:16,627 --> 00:43:20,130
- It's my turn to demonstrate.
- Oh, my dear Milo.
535
00:43:20,130 --> 00:43:23,634
Having failed to find the jewels among
the Lady's personal possessions--
536
00:43:23,634 --> 00:43:26,637
Be a bit suspicious-- a professional
burglar playing favorites.
537
00:43:26,637 --> 00:43:30,140
On the contrary. An intelligent
burglar would immediately look...
538
00:43:30,140 --> 00:43:32,142
for the next-most-likely hiding place.
- Which is where ?
539
00:43:32,142 --> 00:43:37,147
The inevitable safe. Just blow it
open and steal what's in it.
540
00:43:37,147 --> 00:43:39,149
Come on, Milo.
541
00:43:39,650 --> 00:43:41,151
Right.
542
00:43:49,660 --> 00:43:52,663
- What kind of charge you got here ?
- Oh, enough for the job.
543
00:43:53,163 --> 00:43:56,667
I learned about explosives for the
Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
544
00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:59,670
Ready ? Stand by for the countdown.
545
00:44:03,173 --> 00:44:05,676
Five, a-four,
546
00:44:05,676 --> 00:44:08,679
a-three, a-two, a-one,
547
00:44:09,179 --> 00:44:11,148
a-blastoff.
548
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,182
I've got it. I've got it !
549
00:44:51,188 --> 00:44:53,691
What are you shaking it for ?
It's a jewel box, not a maraca.
550
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:56,193
I thought it might have a secret
catch. It's locked, you see.
551
00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:59,697
Well, smash it open ! Jesus, you
have all the killer instinct...
552
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:04,702
of a 20-year old seal'yham.
- It's a very pretty box.
It seems such a waste.
553
00:45:16,213 --> 00:45:17,715
Dear God.
554
00:45:18,215 --> 00:45:20,718
Moses looks upon the promised land.
555
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:28,225
They're fantastic.
556
00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,739
- Look at this ruby necklace.
- Never much cared for it myself.
557
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:44,742
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
558
00:45:46,243 --> 00:45:49,246
I wish my old man could see these.
559
00:45:49,246 --> 00:45:51,749
He never knew what it was all about,
560
00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:56,253
sitting there every night,
hunched over those watches of his,
561
00:45:56,253 --> 00:46:00,758
squinting his eyesight away, and for what ?
562
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:05,262
To give me an education at
a second-rate public school.
563
00:46:07,264 --> 00:46:12,269
I suppose he thought he had to,
that he owed it to me...
564
00:46:12,269 --> 00:46:16,273
And the brand-new anglo-saxon
world he'd adopted.
565
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:21,278
Silly old bugger.
Never thought his son...
566
00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:23,781
would be tucking a fortune
away into his pocket then.
567
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:27,284
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
568
00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:30,788
is something we just haven't got time
for at the moment, do you mind ?
569
00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:39,296
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
570
00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:42,299
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
571
00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:44,802
surprises the burglar, and,
in the ensuing fight,
572
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:46,804
the house is sacked.
573
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:50,808
Why is it necessary for you
to surprise me at all ?
574
00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:55,312
Because, if I've seen you at close quarters,
I can always describe you to the Police.
575
00:46:55,312 --> 00:46:57,314
Wrongly.
576
00:46:57,815 --> 00:47:00,317
"Did you get a good look at
the intruder's face, sir ?"
577
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,319
"Yes, Inspector, I did.
578
00:47:02,319 --> 00:47:05,823
I don't know if it was a trick of the
light, but somehow his face seemed...
579
00:47:05,823 --> 00:47:08,826
not wholly human--"
- How much sacking do you want done ?
580
00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:11,829
Oh, a decent bit, I think--
a few chairs upturned,
581
00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:13,831
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing, you know.
582
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:15,833
Convincing but not carthaginian.
583
00:47:26,343 --> 00:47:28,846
Surely you don't call that convincing.
584
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,848
Milo.
585
00:47:38,355 --> 00:47:42,359
Let literature fly to the four winds !
586
00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:47,865
Let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves !
587
00:48:07,384 --> 00:48:09,386
Hey, that's my new manuscript !
588
00:48:16,393 --> 00:48:18,395
Let my secretary sort it out.
589
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:33,410
- Enough ?
- For a starter.
590
00:48:33,410 --> 00:48:38,916
Now let's see what accident does to
artifice seconds out of the ring.
591
00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:43,420
- What seconds ? What for ?
- The ensuing fight, remember ?
592
00:48:45,422 --> 00:48:47,925
- Hey !
- Well, you're the underdog, aren't you ?
593
00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:50,961
Got the support of the crowd, haven't you ?
What more do you want ?
594
00:48:55,966 --> 00:48:58,969
My wife's gonna have a baby.
Now, listen, don't get het up.
595
00:48:58,969 --> 00:49:01,972
This fight is fixed, remember ?
This is where I take a dive,
596
00:49:01,972 --> 00:49:04,474
and you knock me out cold !
597
00:49:05,475 --> 00:49:07,477
- For real ?
- Naturally.
598
00:49:07,477 --> 00:49:09,980
When the Police come, I have
to show them a real lump.
599
00:49:09,980 --> 00:49:12,482
Yes, I thought you'd like this bit.
600
00:49:12,482 --> 00:49:14,484
You're dead right.
601
00:49:14,484 --> 00:49:16,987
Now, what shall I use ?
602
00:49:16,987 --> 00:49:19,489
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
603
00:49:21,992 --> 00:49:25,996
There it is !
The original blunt instrument.
604
00:49:26,496 --> 00:49:30,500
- The poker. Right. Now,
where do you want it ?
- Now, steady.
605
00:49:30,500 --> 00:49:34,004
Don't get carried away. It's not a murder
weapon we're talking about, you know.
606
00:49:34,004 --> 00:49:36,006
- No ?
- No ! We're discussing an object...
607
00:49:36,006 --> 00:49:39,009
from which I receive in the classic
formula a glancing blow...
608
00:49:39,509 --> 00:49:42,012
which will raise a lump without
actually cracking the cranium !
609
00:49:42,012 --> 00:49:46,516
Why don't I just keep tapping
you lightly on the head with the
poker until the lump comes up.
610
00:49:46,516 --> 00:49:49,019
Quite frankly, I've rather gone off
the whole thing now. I know !
611
00:49:49,519 --> 00:49:53,023
You can always tie me up and gag me and
leave me to be found by the cleaning woman.
612
00:49:53,023 --> 00:49:56,026
"Lords a' mercy, Mr. Wyke !
Whatever do we be doin' there ?
613
00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:59,029
All trussed up like a turkey !
Mm-mm-mm."
614
00:50:02,532 --> 00:50:07,537
"Oh, God bless ya, sir. You're
tryin' out somethin' for one
of them creepy books of yours."
615
00:50:07,537 --> 00:50:11,041
"I know ! Don't you mind me.
I won't disturb ye.
616
00:50:11,041 --> 00:50:14,044
I'll just be gettin' on with me dustin'."
- Andrew,
617
00:50:14,044 --> 00:50:17,047
If I don't knock you out,
618
00:50:17,047 --> 00:50:20,550
- How have I tied you up ?
- That's a very good question.
619
00:50:20,550 --> 00:50:23,053
Come to think of it, you could
always hold a gun on me.
620
00:50:23,053 --> 00:50:28,558
But we professional burglars don't fancy
firearms much. We are English, after all.
621
00:50:28,558 --> 00:50:31,561
You could always conquer
your anglo-saxon scruples.
622
00:50:31,561 --> 00:50:36,566
Besides, it would be my own revolver that
you'd taken from me during the struggle.
623
00:50:36,566 --> 00:50:40,070
- Is that loaded ?
- Well, of course. What'd be
the use of it otherwise ?
624
00:50:40,070 --> 00:50:43,573
And I think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
625
00:50:43,573 --> 00:50:46,576
blowing to smithereens the usual
priceless heirlooms, hmm ?
626
00:50:46,576 --> 00:50:50,580
- Why ?
- To lend credence to my story
of your holding it on me...
627
00:50:50,580 --> 00:50:53,583
While you gagged me and
tied me up, all right ?
628
00:50:53,583 --> 00:50:55,585
Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.
629
00:50:55,585 --> 00:50:58,088
There. Right.
Now, what to sacrifice ?
630
00:50:59,589 --> 00:51:02,592
What about this old codger up here ?
631
00:51:02,592 --> 00:51:06,596
Put that down at once !
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
632
00:51:06,596 --> 00:51:08,598
given to me by the Mystery
Writers of America...
633
00:51:08,598 --> 00:51:12,519
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
the Slaying of Jack Spratt.
634
00:51:12,519 --> 00:51:15,522
Ironically enough, for
one who could eat no fat,
635
00:51:15,522 --> 00:51:18,525
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesterol.
636
00:51:19,025 --> 00:51:21,528
Now,
637
00:51:22,028 --> 00:51:26,366
what do you say to the demolition of
that gaudy old swansea puzzle jug ?
638
00:51:35,876 --> 00:51:39,880
- Puzzle jug ?
- To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
639
00:51:47,804 --> 00:51:51,308
Very funny.
640
00:51:51,308 --> 00:51:55,312
Marguerite thought it clever, which ought
to tell you something about Marguerite.
641
00:51:55,812 --> 00:51:57,314
Let us expose its shortcoming.
642
00:52:00,817 --> 00:52:03,320
Well, you might have said
"good shot."
643
00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:06,823
You bloody maniac !
You could have killed me !
644
00:52:06,823 --> 00:52:11,328
Tosh ! Not dead-eye Wyke,
The demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
645
00:52:11,328 --> 00:52:13,330
Now, what next ?
646
00:52:15,832 --> 00:52:20,253
Ah ! The last tender memento
of our venetian honeymoon.
647
00:52:21,254 --> 00:52:23,673
I will not resist the temptation.
648
00:52:26,176 --> 00:52:31,681
Shucks, gosh-darn it if I ain't
missed the doggone critter.
649
00:52:40,190 --> 00:52:43,193
- You hit what you were
aiming for, all right.
- Don't be peevish, Milo.
650
00:52:43,193 --> 00:52:46,196
There's nothing like a little
bit of mayhem to cheer one up.
651
00:52:46,196 --> 00:52:49,199
- Did you ever know Charlie Begby ?
- You know damn well I didn't.
652
00:52:49,199 --> 00:52:53,203
He was the very finest
shot I ever did see.
653
00:52:53,203 --> 00:52:57,707
I once saw him bag six ducks with
one shot when he was blind drunk.
654
00:52:57,707 --> 00:53:01,127
Only thing was, they were china ducks
in his Auntie's drawing room.
655
00:53:01,127 --> 00:53:04,631
And I said,
"Charlie, you can't do that.
It's the closed season."
656
00:53:07,634 --> 00:53:10,637
Told you, he always laughs at my jokes.
657
00:53:10,637 --> 00:53:13,139
Even the bad ones.
658
00:53:13,139 --> 00:53:16,142
True. It's not as funny as all that.
659
00:53:16,142 --> 00:53:20,647
There's an open season all year
round for some creatures,
660
00:53:20,647 --> 00:53:23,149
seducers and wife stealers, for example.
661
00:53:23,149 --> 00:53:25,619
Now, that's a bad italian joke.
662
00:53:25,619 --> 00:53:28,038
You should know. It's your
country of origin, is it not ?
663
00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:30,040
No, actually, I'm English.
664
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:32,542
I was born here, in England.
665
00:53:32,542 --> 00:53:34,961
Were you now, actually ?
666
00:53:35,462 --> 00:53:37,464
Where ? In dear old cradle-
of-the-parliamentary-system,
667
00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:40,967
Who-screws-my-wife-merits-
a-large-pink-gin England ?
668
00:53:40,967 --> 00:53:43,970
Sense-of-humor-fair-play
England, I mean.
669
00:53:44,471 --> 00:53:45,972
Oh, don't you believe it.
670
00:53:46,473 --> 00:53:48,475
That's the way a foreigner talks.
What he really thinks in private is,
671
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:52,479
"Filthy, wet country.
Ugly, red, cold men...
672
00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:54,981
who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cool women."
673
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,934
What brought all this on then ?
674
00:54:00,937 --> 00:54:03,857
- What are you doing with that gun ?
- Obviously pointing it at you.
675
00:54:04,357 --> 00:54:05,859
I can see that, but why ?
676
00:54:06,359 --> 00:54:09,279
Because I'm a-gonna kill-a you.
677
00:54:09,279 --> 00:54:12,249
You're a-gonna kill-a me ?
678
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:16,253
Jesus ! Here we go again with
another one of your games.
679
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:19,256
Another one ? No, it's the same one.
We've been playing it all evening.
680
00:54:19,756 --> 00:54:23,260
It's called
"you're going to die, and
no one will suspect murder."
681
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:30,183
You mean all that steal-the-jewels
stuff was just--
682
00:54:30,183 --> 00:54:35,138
I invited you round here to set up
the circumstances of your own death:
683
00:54:35,138 --> 00:54:39,059
the break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
684
00:54:39,059 --> 00:54:41,561
the householder aroused,
grappling with the thief...
685
00:54:41,561 --> 00:54:44,948
and gun going off during the struggle,
and then,
686
00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:46,950
the final, fatal shot.
687
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:51,454
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
688
00:54:51,454 --> 00:54:53,957
- It ain't funny no more.
- It ain't, ain't it ?
689
00:54:54,457 --> 00:54:57,460
- Can you find a flaw in it ?
- Marguerite.
690
00:54:57,460 --> 00:55:00,463
- The cops'll trace the connection
between Marguerite and me.
- What nonsense.
691
00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:02,465
They'll know that's why you did it.
692
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:05,468
How was I expected to know who you were ?
The law will have every sympathy for me.
693
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:09,472
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
694
00:55:09,472 --> 00:55:13,476
Even Marguerite will assume that
you were, after all, just an
adventurer after her jewels,
695
00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:18,982
a petty sneak thief who, in the end, found
larceny less burdensome than matrimony.
696
00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:22,986
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony ?
697
00:55:23,486 --> 00:55:26,489
Ha ! Wit in the face of adversity !
Good !
698
00:55:26,489 --> 00:55:28,992
You've learned something from the English.
699
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:31,494
Oh, and here's something else--
a sporting chance. Why don't
you make a run for it ?
700
00:55:31,494 --> 00:55:33,997
And give you the chance to
shoot me down in cold blood ?
701
00:55:33,997 --> 00:55:36,499
Hotblood, you mean.
But I'll tell you what I'll do.
702
00:55:36,499 --> 00:55:39,002
I'll close my eyes and
count up to 20 slowly.
703
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:42,005
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Come on, Milo. Off you go.
704
00:55:42,005 --> 00:55:44,958
One--
705
00:55:44,958 --> 00:55:48,461
One, two,
706
00:55:48,461 --> 00:55:51,965
three, four,
707
00:55:51,965 --> 00:55:55,468
five, six,
708
00:55:55,468 --> 00:55:58,471
seven, eight,
709
00:55:58,471 --> 00:56:01,474
nine, ten,
710
00:56:01,474 --> 00:56:04,477
eleven, twelve,
711
00:56:04,477 --> 00:56:09,482
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen,
712
00:56:09,482 --> 00:56:14,487
sixteen, seventeen, eighteen,
713
00:56:14,487 --> 00:56:19,993
nineteen and twenty.
714
00:56:25,999 --> 00:56:27,500
You left them in that beautiful coat.
715
00:56:28,001 --> 00:56:32,505
- Oh, my God.
- Let's have you out of that car,
shall we ?
716
00:56:32,505 --> 00:56:36,509
Those lovely boots back on again, please.
717
00:56:57,030 --> 00:57:01,534
Now, of course, the only question
left to be decided is where
the Police shall find you.
718
00:57:01,534 --> 00:57:05,955
Of course, you could be lying sprawled
over the desk in the study,
719
00:57:05,955 --> 00:57:08,958
like countless colonels
in countless studies,
720
00:57:08,958 --> 00:57:11,961
or propped up in the log
basket like a rag doll.
721
00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:15,465
Which do you fancy--
early Agatha Christie or
vintage S.S. Van Dine ?
722
00:57:15,965 --> 00:57:20,470
You're talking of a murder, of killing
a real man ! Don't you understand ?
723
00:57:20,470 --> 00:57:23,473
Perhaps I shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps, best of all,
724
00:57:23,473 --> 00:57:25,975
A real 1930s murder weapon,
the Mashie Niblick.
725
00:57:26,476 --> 00:57:27,977
I've got one in my golf bag.
726
00:57:52,010 --> 00:57:55,011
Dear old Mashie Niblick.
727
00:57:55,511 --> 00:58:00,516
I think you'd be found in the
fireplace in a fair old mess.
728
00:58:00,516 --> 00:58:05,022
The body lay on its back, its limbs
grotesquely splayed like a broken puppet.
729
00:58:05,022 --> 00:58:09,025
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernatural force.
730
00:58:09,525 --> 00:58:13,029
"My God," breathed the Inspector, blanching.
731
00:58:13,029 --> 00:58:15,531
"Thompson, you'd better get a top yourself."
732
00:58:15,531 --> 00:58:20,037
"Excuse me, sir, but was all this
violence strictly necessary ?"
733
00:58:20,037 --> 00:58:22,538
"I'm sorry, Inspector.
734
00:58:22,538 --> 00:58:27,043
I'm afraid I lost control of
myself when I saw him handling
my wife's intimate garments."
735
00:58:27,543 --> 00:58:29,546
Oh, it's too bloody elaborate.
I tell you what.
736
00:58:30,047 --> 00:58:32,549
I think the scene the Police
find is simply this:
737
00:58:32,549 --> 00:58:36,519
after the fight, you flee up the
stairs back to your ladder again.
738
00:58:36,519 --> 00:58:39,939
Go on, Milo, flee.
Up you go.
739
00:58:39,939 --> 00:58:41,942
Up you go.
740
00:58:53,454 --> 00:58:58,458
I catch you on the landing, and in
the renewed struggle I shoot you.
741
00:58:58,958 --> 00:59:02,463
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo ?
742
00:59:03,963 --> 00:59:05,966
On the morning of his execution,
743
00:59:05,966 --> 00:59:08,469
King Charles I put on two shirts.
744
00:59:08,469 --> 00:59:11,472
"If I tremble with the cold," he said,
"my enemies will say it was from fear."
745
00:59:11,472 --> 00:59:15,475
I will not expose myself to such reproaches.
746
00:59:15,475 --> 00:59:19,481
You must also attempt
this anglo-saxon dignity...
747
00:59:19,481 --> 00:59:22,482
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
748
00:59:24,984 --> 00:59:26,987
Look...
749
00:59:28,490 --> 00:59:31,491
I can't give anything back, can I ?
750
00:59:33,993 --> 00:59:35,996
I mean, if it hadn't been me,
751
00:59:35,996 --> 00:59:39,499
it would've been somebody else.
752
00:59:40,500 --> 00:59:43,503
Please.
753
00:59:43,503 --> 00:59:46,005
I'll go away.
754
00:59:46,005 --> 00:59:48,008
You won't never hear of me no more.
755
00:59:53,514 --> 00:59:56,517
Why, Andrew ? Why me ?
756
00:59:56,517 --> 01:00:00,019
Don't snivel.
757
01:00:00,019 --> 01:00:02,523
I wanna know why !
758
01:00:04,024 --> 01:00:08,028
I'm amazed you have to ask.
759
01:00:08,028 --> 01:00:10,530
I hate you.
760
01:00:10,530 --> 01:00:14,034
I hate your smarmy good looks
and your easy manner.
761
01:00:14,034 --> 01:00:19,038
I'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
762
01:00:19,038 --> 01:00:21,542
I knew you'd wear a gold
charm round your neck,
763
01:00:21,542 --> 01:00:26,046
And I'll bet your chest is hairy
and in summer matted with sun oil.
764
01:00:26,046 --> 01:00:28,548
Above all, I hate you...
765
01:00:28,548 --> 01:00:32,052
because you're a culling blue-eyed wop,
766
01:00:32,553 --> 01:00:34,554
and not one of me !
767
01:00:35,054 --> 01:00:39,059
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
768
01:00:39,560 --> 01:00:44,565
A jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place !
769
01:00:44,565 --> 01:00:46,566
Did you really believe...
770
01:00:46,566 --> 01:00:51,071
I'd give up my wife and jewelry to you ?
771
01:00:51,071 --> 01:00:54,574
That I'd make myself that ridiculous ?
772
01:00:56,577 --> 01:00:58,578
Why not ?
773
01:00:58,578 --> 01:01:01,080
You're not in love with her.
774
01:01:01,080 --> 01:01:05,585
Whether I love her or not,
I found her. I've kept her.
775
01:01:07,086 --> 01:01:10,090
She represents me.
776
01:01:10,090 --> 01:01:14,595
Once... she was in love with me.
777
01:01:18,097 --> 01:01:21,101
And now, she's in love with me.
778
01:01:21,101 --> 01:01:23,102
And that's what you can't forgive, isn't it ?
779
01:01:23,102 --> 01:01:26,607
And after me, there'll be others.
780
01:01:27,107 --> 01:01:29,609
You gonna kill them too ?
781
01:01:29,609 --> 01:01:32,112
You're mad ! You're a bloody madman !
782
01:01:32,112 --> 01:01:34,614
And you are a young man...
783
01:01:34,614 --> 01:01:38,118
dressed as a clown about to be murdered.
784
01:01:39,119 --> 01:01:41,120
Put the mask on, Milo.
785
01:01:41,120 --> 01:01:44,124
- No.
- Put it on.
786
01:01:44,124 --> 01:01:47,627
No, please. Please.
787
01:01:47,627 --> 01:01:50,130
Put it on.
788
01:02:00,139 --> 01:02:04,644
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself--
789
01:02:04,644 --> 01:02:07,147
a sniveling, dago clown.
790
01:02:07,147 --> 01:02:11,651
Farewell, Punchinello !
791
01:02:11,651 --> 01:02:13,152
Please !
792
01:02:52,192 --> 01:02:56,195
Good-bye now and amen
793
01:02:56,697 --> 01:03:00,199
Here's hoping we meet now and then
794
01:03:00,199 --> 01:03:03,202
It was great fun but it was just
795
01:03:03,202 --> 01:03:06,206
one of those things
796
01:03:43,243 --> 01:03:46,747
You do
797
01:03:46,747 --> 01:03:49,750
something to me
798
01:03:50,250 --> 01:03:56,757
something that simply mystifies me
799
01:03:56,757 --> 01:04:00,260
Tell me
800
01:04:00,260 --> 01:04:03,764
why should it be
801
01:04:03,764 --> 01:04:05,765
you have the power
802
01:04:05,765 --> 01:04:10,269
to hypnotize me
803
01:04:10,269 --> 01:04:13,272
Let me
804
01:04:13,774 --> 01:04:16,776
live 'neath your spell
805
01:04:16,776 --> 01:04:19,779
Do do that voodoo
806
01:04:20,279 --> 01:04:23,784
that you do so well
807
01:04:24,284 --> 01:04:26,536
For you do
808
01:04:26,536 --> 01:04:30,373
something to me
809
01:04:30,373 --> 01:04:32,875
that nobody else
810
01:04:33,377 --> 01:04:35,879
could do
811
01:05:04,408 --> 01:05:07,411
Let me
812
01:05:07,411 --> 01:05:10,913
live 'neath your spell
813
01:05:10,913 --> 01:05:13,916
Do do that voodoo
814
01:05:13,916 --> 01:05:17,421
that you do so well
815
01:05:17,421 --> 01:05:21,425
For you do
816
01:05:21,425 --> 01:05:23,926
something to me
817
01:05:23,926 --> 01:05:26,930
that nobody else
818
01:05:26,930 --> 01:05:29,933
could do
819
01:05:31,435 --> 01:05:34,437
You do
820
01:05:34,437 --> 01:05:37,440
something to me
821
01:05:37,940 --> 01:05:43,947
that nobody else could do
822
01:05:56,461 --> 01:05:58,961
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
823
01:05:58,961 --> 01:06:01,964
was looked on as something shocking
824
01:06:01,964 --> 01:06:04,968
now heaven knows
825
01:06:04,968 --> 01:06:08,471
anything goes
826
01:06:08,471 --> 01:06:11,474
Good authors too who once knew better words
827
01:06:11,974 --> 01:06:13,976
now only use four-letter words
828
01:06:13,976 --> 01:06:16,981
writing prose
829
01:06:16,981 --> 01:06:19,483
anything goes
830
01:06:19,983 --> 01:06:23,486
The world has gone mad today
and good's bad today
831
01:06:23,486 --> 01:06:26,490
and black's white today
and day's night today
832
01:06:26,490 --> 01:06:29,492
when most guys today
that women prize today
833
01:06:29,492 --> 01:06:32,495
are just silly gigolos
834
01:06:32,495 --> 01:06:35,499
So though I'm not
a great romancer
835
01:06:35,499 --> 01:06:41,004
I know that you're bound
to answer when I propose
836
01:06:41,505 --> 01:06:44,006
anything goes
837
01:06:44,006 --> 01:06:47,510
The world has gone mad today
and good's bad today
838
01:06:47,510 --> 01:06:50,514
and black's white today
and day's night today
839
01:06:50,514 --> 01:06:54,016
when most guys today
that women prize today
840
01:06:54,016 --> 01:06:56,519
are just silly gigolos
841
01:06:56,519 --> 01:06:59,523
So though I'm not
a great romancer
842
01:06:59,523 --> 01:07:02,024
I know that you're
bound to answer
843
01:07:02,024 --> 01:07:05,028
when I propose
844
01:07:05,529 --> 01:07:08,030
anything goes
845
01:07:28,500 --> 01:07:30,503
Ah. Good evening, sir.
846
01:07:30,503 --> 01:07:32,505
I was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
847
01:07:32,505 --> 01:07:34,506
Indeed ? And who might you be ?
848
01:07:34,506 --> 01:07:37,510
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir,
849
01:07:37,510 --> 01:07:40,513
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
850
01:07:40,513 --> 01:07:43,015
I'm sorry to be calling so late,
851
01:07:43,015 --> 01:07:45,519
but I need to have a few words with you...
852
01:07:45,519 --> 01:07:49,021
on a very important matter.
- Well, you better come in.
853
01:07:49,021 --> 01:07:51,524
Wiltshire County Constabulary, you say ?
854
01:07:51,524 --> 01:07:54,027
That's right, sir.
I'm normally based at Salisbury,
855
01:07:54,027 --> 01:07:58,030
but, uh, your local man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
856
01:08:00,033 --> 01:08:02,534
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
857
01:08:02,534 --> 01:08:06,538
It was a time for humming, Inspector.
Would you care for an aquavit ?
858
01:08:06,538 --> 01:08:08,540
- No, thank you, sir. I've had my supper.
- Oh.
859
01:08:08,540 --> 01:08:12,044
Perhaps you'd prefer a brandy ? Or are you
gonna tell me you never drink on duty ?
860
01:08:12,044 --> 01:08:14,548
Oh, no, sir. I always drink on duty.
861
01:08:14,548 --> 01:08:16,548
I can't afford to in my own time.
862
01:08:18,551 --> 01:08:21,054
- Caviar. So that's what that looks like.
- Yeah.
863
01:08:22,554 --> 01:08:24,557
I've often wondered.
864
01:08:33,066 --> 01:08:34,567
I can't say I care for it all that much, sir.
865
01:08:38,071 --> 01:08:40,572
Tastes like fish eggs.
866
01:08:40,572 --> 01:08:45,577
Fancy. Now, let me take that nasty
taste away with a splendid brandy.
867
01:08:46,078 --> 01:08:48,966
Do follow me, won't you, Inspector ?
868
01:08:55,587 --> 01:08:57,091
These old antiques, sir--
869
01:08:57,591 --> 01:08:59,591
very interesting, sir.
870
01:09:01,095 --> 01:09:05,097
You have, uh, quite a collection of toys.
871
01:09:05,097 --> 01:09:09,101
Automata, Inspector, and they all work.
872
01:09:09,101 --> 01:09:12,605
I wouldn't have thought there's much
point in having 'em if they didn't, sir.
873
01:09:13,106 --> 01:09:15,109
And now, as the cliche has it,
874
01:09:15,109 --> 01:09:18,110
what can I do for you, Inspector ?
875
01:09:18,110 --> 01:09:20,612
I am investigating the disappearance...
876
01:09:20,612 --> 01:09:23,615
of a Mr. Milo Tindle.
877
01:09:23,615 --> 01:09:25,617
Do you know him, sir ?
878
01:09:25,617 --> 01:09:27,620
Vaguely.
879
01:09:29,621 --> 01:09:33,126
He walked out of his cottage
late last friday afternoon,
880
01:09:33,626 --> 01:09:35,128
and hasn't been seen since.
881
01:09:35,628 --> 01:09:38,630
Really, I'm afraid I'm
not very much interested...
882
01:09:38,630 --> 01:09:41,635
in the migratory habits of hairdressers.
883
01:09:41,635 --> 01:09:43,635
So you do know the gentleman then, sir ?
884
01:09:43,635 --> 01:09:45,638
Well, I know his profession.
885
01:09:46,139 --> 01:09:49,641
I think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in london.
886
01:09:49,641 --> 01:09:52,144
When did you last see Mr. Tindle, sir ?
887
01:09:52,144 --> 01:09:55,149
Oh, some months ago.
I wouldn't remember exactly.
888
01:09:55,149 --> 01:10:00,654
- I'd have no reason to, really.
- That doesn't quite accord
with our information.
889
01:10:01,154 --> 01:10:04,658
I wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me, please, sir.
890
01:10:07,159 --> 01:10:09,663
In fact, two nights ago,
891
01:10:09,663 --> 01:10:13,167
he told Jack Benn,
the licensee at the white lion,
892
01:10:13,167 --> 01:10:15,168
he was on his way up to see you.
893
01:10:15,168 --> 01:10:18,170
Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, Inspector.
894
01:10:18,170 --> 01:10:20,673
Vinous gossip is their stock and trade.
895
01:10:20,673 --> 01:10:23,176
"Vinous" as pertaining to wine, I assume, sir.
896
01:10:23,176 --> 01:10:25,678
Very good.
897
01:10:37,189 --> 01:10:40,193
Then I was wondering if there was something
else you could correct for me, sir.
898
01:10:40,693 --> 01:10:42,194
What is that ?
899
01:10:42,194 --> 01:10:44,197
The impression, gained by a man...
900
01:10:44,197 --> 01:10:47,200
who happened to be passing
your house on friday night,
901
01:10:47,700 --> 01:10:50,202
that shots were fired in here.
902
01:10:50,202 --> 01:10:53,207
- Shots ?
- Three, our man thinks.
903
01:10:53,207 --> 01:10:56,708
- Car backfire.
- Oh, no, sir.
904
01:10:56,708 --> 01:10:59,211
I'm afraid that only comes in--
905
01:10:59,711 --> 01:11:02,716
saving your presence, sir--
detective stories.
906
01:11:02,716 --> 01:11:05,717
No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
907
01:11:05,717 --> 01:11:08,138
I see. May I ask...
908
01:11:08,138 --> 01:11:11,640
why you've taken two days to come
round and ask me about all this ?
909
01:11:11,640 --> 01:11:14,144
Well, sir, uh, these things...
910
01:11:14,144 --> 01:11:16,145
always take a little longer...
911
01:11:16,145 --> 01:11:18,149
to check out than you think.
912
01:11:18,649 --> 01:11:21,150
Your local man wanted to
be sure of his facts...
913
01:11:21,150 --> 01:11:24,654
before calling me in and before
troubling a gentleman like yourself.
914
01:11:25,154 --> 01:11:27,658
Facts ? What facts ?
915
01:11:27,658 --> 01:11:30,659
Well, after, uh, our informant...
916
01:11:30,659 --> 01:11:33,163
had reported the incident,
917
01:11:33,163 --> 01:11:37,667
we thought we'd, uh, better
have a word with Mr. Tindle,
918
01:11:37,667 --> 01:11:40,670
see if he could throw
any light on the subject.
919
01:11:41,170 --> 01:11:44,673
And could he ? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, Inspector.
920
01:11:44,673 --> 01:11:47,677
Oh. I'm sorry.
921
01:11:47,677 --> 01:11:49,679
Thank you.
922
01:11:49,679 --> 01:11:53,683
He wasn't at his cottage all day saturday,
923
01:11:54,184 --> 01:11:56,186
nor all day today.
924
01:11:56,186 --> 01:11:58,688
We must have called there
at least half a dozen times.
925
01:11:58,688 --> 01:12:03,193
By Jove, sir, Merridew would
have been proud of you.
926
01:12:03,193 --> 01:12:05,694
Ahh. Your detective, sir.
927
01:12:05,694 --> 01:12:08,197
Oh, that's praise indeed, sir.
928
01:12:08,197 --> 01:12:10,200
I'm a great fan of his Lordship.
929
01:12:10,200 --> 01:12:13,202
Are you really ? Well, you must
tell me which is your favorite.
930
01:12:13,202 --> 01:12:15,205
I myself have always had
a special affection for...
931
01:12:15,205 --> 01:12:17,207
the Case of the Crucified Communist.
932
01:12:17,207 --> 01:12:20,211
When we stepped inside Mr. Tindle's cottage...
933
01:12:20,211 --> 01:12:23,712
to make sure that no harm had come to him,
934
01:12:23,712 --> 01:12:26,216
we found this, sir.
935
01:12:26,716 --> 01:12:28,217
"Urgent we talk.
936
01:12:28,717 --> 01:12:33,722
Come on friday evening, about 6:30. Wyke."
937
01:12:33,722 --> 01:12:37,226
May I ask, is this your handwriting, sir ?
938
01:12:37,726 --> 01:12:41,231
- Yes, it's mine, all right.
- So Mr. Tindle was here then, sir.
939
01:12:41,231 --> 01:12:45,235
- He was.
- And was there an incident two nights ago...
940
01:12:45,735 --> 01:12:48,237
as a result of which shots were fired ?
941
01:12:48,237 --> 01:12:50,240
Uh, in a manner of speaking.
942
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,742
It was a game we were playing.
943
01:12:52,742 --> 01:12:55,745
Game, sir ? What kind of game ?
944
01:12:55,745 --> 01:12:58,248
It's called "burglary."
945
01:12:58,248 --> 01:13:01,251
Burglary is not a game, sir.
946
01:13:01,251 --> 01:13:04,754
Isn't it about time you told me...
947
01:13:05,255 --> 01:13:08,258
I don't know the seriousness of my position ?
948
01:13:08,258 --> 01:13:12,761
A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
949
01:13:12,761 --> 01:13:16,265
Now, what would you make out
of that if you were me, sir ?
950
01:13:16,265 --> 01:13:19,769
An open-and-shut case. But things aren't
always what they seem, Inspector.
951
01:13:19,769 --> 01:13:22,771
Why, in the 'Mystery of the Drowned Dummy',
your favorite, Lord Merridew--
952
01:13:22,771 --> 01:13:25,774
I am waiting for an explanation, sir.
953
01:13:26,275 --> 01:13:27,778
Oh. Well,
954
01:13:28,279 --> 01:13:31,780
Tindle arrived about 6:30 and left
about an hour and a half later.
955
01:13:31,780 --> 01:13:35,784
- I have not seen him since.
- And nor has anyone else, sir.
956
01:13:35,784 --> 01:13:40,289
Oh, but this is absurd ! You're
not suggesting I killed Tindle ?
957
01:13:40,289 --> 01:13:43,293
"Killed" Tindle, sir ?
I never mentioned the word "kill."
958
01:13:43,793 --> 01:13:47,797
Oh, come now, Inspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
959
01:13:48,298 --> 01:13:50,801
"Garroted, sir. May I ask how you knew...
960
01:13:50,801 --> 01:13:52,802
her ladyship had been garroted ?"
961
01:13:53,303 --> 01:13:55,304
"You told me so, Inspector."
"No, sir.
962
01:13:55,304 --> 01:13:58,808
I never mentioned the word 'garroted.'"
963
01:13:58,808 --> 01:14:01,811
I'm sorry you find us so comic, sir.
964
01:14:01,811 --> 01:14:04,313
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
965
01:14:04,313 --> 01:14:07,317
"You're just doing your job"
is the overworked phrase, isn't it ?
966
01:14:07,317 --> 01:14:09,318
Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
967
01:14:09,818 --> 01:14:12,322
"The overworked phrase." I like that.
968
01:14:12,322 --> 01:14:17,327
Your wife and Mr. Tindle have been
associating closely for some time, sir.
969
01:14:17,327 --> 01:14:19,328
Yes, I thought you'd know about that.
970
01:14:19,328 --> 01:14:24,333
- You can't keep anything
quiet in a small village.
- Perfectly true, sir.
971
01:14:24,333 --> 01:14:27,336
You're not suggesting a crime passionnel,
I do hope.
972
01:14:27,336 --> 01:14:29,338
Not with Marguerite. Oh, God !
973
01:14:29,838 --> 01:14:31,341
That would be like knifing somebody...
974
01:14:31,841 --> 01:14:34,345
for the sake of a tablespoon
full of cold rice pudding.
975
01:14:34,345 --> 01:14:37,346
I'm very partial to rice pudding, sir.
976
01:14:37,346 --> 01:14:39,850
I find it a great standby.
977
01:14:39,850 --> 01:14:42,351
That's perfect.
978
01:14:42,351 --> 01:14:45,355
"'All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,'
979
01:14:45,855 --> 01:14:48,359
"said Inspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested...
980
01:14:48,359 --> 01:14:50,360
"another spoonful of his favorite pud.
981
01:14:50,360 --> 01:14:53,362
'But only one of you had all three !'"
982
01:14:53,362 --> 01:14:57,367
Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
983
01:14:57,367 --> 01:15:01,372
That is divine.
984
01:15:01,372 --> 01:15:03,373
Well, I suppose I'd better
tell you what happened.
985
01:15:03,373 --> 01:15:06,876
- That would be helpful, sir.
- Perhaps another drink would be helpful too.
986
01:15:06,876 --> 01:15:10,381
I'd love another drink, sir, but I think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
987
01:15:10,881 --> 01:15:13,383
Quite right, Inspector.
988
01:15:13,383 --> 01:15:15,385
That too can be corrected.
Do come with me, won't you ?
989
01:15:16,885 --> 01:15:18,887
Now, as you seem to know,
990
01:15:18,887 --> 01:15:20,890
Tindle was having an affair with my wife.
991
01:15:21,391 --> 01:15:23,394
Now, I belong to that rare breed of men...
992
01:15:23,394 --> 01:15:25,894
who genuinely don't mind losing gracefully...
993
01:15:25,894 --> 01:15:27,896
to a gentleman who plays
the game by the same rules.
994
01:15:28,398 --> 01:15:31,901
But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-italian lover boy...
995
01:15:31,901 --> 01:15:34,904
who mistakes my indifference for inadequacy...
996
01:15:34,904 --> 01:15:36,905
is altogether too much !
997
01:15:37,407 --> 01:15:40,410
You mean, you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir ?
998
01:15:40,410 --> 01:15:42,413
Is that what you're saying ?
- I mean,
999
01:15:42,413 --> 01:15:45,414
it was the situation I refused
to accept, Inspector.
1000
01:15:49,883 --> 01:15:52,385
Playing the game is very important to you,
is it, sir ?
1001
01:15:52,385 --> 01:15:55,890
Playing the game and games-playing.
1002
01:15:55,890 --> 01:15:58,892
Yes, Inspector.
- I'm not quite sure I see the difference, sir.
1003
01:15:58,892 --> 01:16:01,394
Oh, it's perfectly simple, Inspector.
1004
01:16:01,394 --> 01:16:03,896
Playing the game is what
every gentleman does,
1005
01:16:03,896 --> 01:16:07,401
but playing of particular games
is my special passion.
1006
01:16:07,401 --> 01:16:09,904
In a way, my whole life.
1007
01:16:17,412 --> 01:16:21,414
That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
Like a child not growing up.
1008
01:16:21,414 --> 01:16:24,917
What's so sad about a child
playing, Inspector ?
1009
01:16:24,917 --> 01:16:28,422
Oh, nothing, sir, if you're a child.
1010
01:16:28,422 --> 01:16:30,923
Let me tell you, Inspector,
1011
01:16:30,923 --> 01:16:33,426
I have played games of such complexity...
1012
01:16:33,426 --> 01:16:37,931
that Jung and Einstein would have been proud
to have been asked to participate in them.
1013
01:16:37,931 --> 01:16:41,934
I have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche...
1014
01:16:41,934 --> 01:16:44,939
unknown in ordinary human relationships,
1015
01:16:44,939 --> 01:16:47,441
and I've had a very great deal...
1016
01:16:47,441 --> 01:16:50,943
of not-altogether-innocent fun.
1017
01:16:55,449 --> 01:16:58,452
Is there nothing you would
not consider a game, sir ?
1018
01:16:58,452 --> 01:17:01,454
Duty ? Work ? Even marriage ?
1019
01:17:01,454 --> 01:17:03,956
Oh, please, Inspector !
Don't include marriage.
1020
01:17:03,956 --> 01:17:07,961
Sex-- sex is the game, marriage the penalty.
1021
01:17:09,962 --> 01:17:13,467
Round and round we jog towards
each futile anniversary,
1022
01:17:13,467 --> 01:17:15,470
pass "go,"
1023
01:17:15,470 --> 01:17:18,471
collect 200 rows, 200 silences,
1024
01:17:18,971 --> 01:17:21,974
200 scars in the deep places.
1025
01:17:21,974 --> 01:17:25,895
Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
1026
01:17:25,895 --> 01:17:28,898
you had no motive for murdering Mr. Tindle ?
1027
01:17:28,898 --> 01:17:31,903
I'm simply saying, Inspector,
that in common with most men,
1028
01:17:31,903 --> 01:17:34,404
I want to have my cookie and ignore it.
1029
01:17:34,404 --> 01:17:37,407
It was rather witty, I thought.
1030
01:17:37,407 --> 01:17:40,410
And what have we here, sir ?
1031
01:17:40,410 --> 01:17:43,413
That's just an old dressing-up basket,
that's all.
1032
01:17:43,913 --> 01:17:46,416
A traditional place...
1033
01:17:46,416 --> 01:17:50,421
of concealment, I'm sure you'll agree.
1034
01:17:50,921 --> 01:17:52,923
Only of the identity, Inspector.
1035
01:17:54,925 --> 01:17:56,926
The game.
1036
01:17:56,926 --> 01:17:58,930
Shall we go ?
1037
01:18:00,931 --> 01:18:04,434
- Shall we go ?
- Oh, yes, sir.
1038
01:18:04,434 --> 01:18:06,435
Coming.
1039
01:18:10,941 --> 01:18:14,443
Anyway, I thought I'd teach
young master Tindle...
1040
01:18:14,443 --> 01:18:17,448
a lesson for his presumption,
test his mettle, as it were.
1041
01:18:17,448 --> 01:18:19,950
You may not agree with this,
Inspector, but take it from me:
1042
01:18:20,450 --> 01:18:22,952
the shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
1043
01:18:23,452 --> 01:18:25,454
You'll soon find out what he's made of.
1044
01:18:25,454 --> 01:18:29,961
Oh. And, uh, how did you plan to
go about this humiliation, sir ?
1045
01:18:29,961 --> 01:18:31,961
To begin with, by convincing him...
1046
01:18:32,461 --> 01:18:36,465
that as my wife had expensive tastes,
and he was virtually a pauper,
1047
01:18:36,465 --> 01:18:40,971
and he could solve that problem by
stealing some valuable jewelry,
1048
01:18:40,971 --> 01:18:43,974
which I had in my safe.
1049
01:18:47,477 --> 01:18:51,481
I further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
1050
01:18:51,981 --> 01:18:56,486
Appropriately enough, he chose, out of that
basket you examined, the costume of a clown.
1051
01:18:56,486 --> 01:19:00,490
In that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
1052
01:19:02,992 --> 01:19:04,994
The jewels were in this box.
1053
01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:12,501
Good thinking, Inspector.
1054
01:19:18,008 --> 01:19:19,510
Bravo.
1055
01:19:20,010 --> 01:19:23,512
- And where are they now, sir ?
- I put them in the bank yesterday.
1056
01:19:23,512 --> 01:19:26,016
- On a saturday ?
- Yes, Inspector, on a saturday.
1057
01:19:26,016 --> 01:19:28,519
I drove over to Salisbury and
put them in the night safe.
1058
01:19:28,519 --> 01:19:31,020
How very provident, sir.
1059
01:19:31,020 --> 01:19:34,523
May I ask what you did after
he blew the safe open, sir ?
1060
01:19:34,523 --> 01:19:39,529
Tindle pocketed the jewels, we
struggled convincingly around
the house as part of the game.
1061
01:19:39,529 --> 01:19:44,533
He was about to make off when I turned nasty
and revealed the true purpose of the evening.
1062
01:19:44,533 --> 01:19:47,538
This was, of course, that I had
maneuvered him into a position...
1063
01:19:47,538 --> 01:19:51,541
where, by pretending to mistake him for a
burglar, I could legitimately shoot him.
1064
01:19:53,542 --> 01:19:56,046
When you, uh, revealed your intentions, sir,
1065
01:19:58,048 --> 01:19:59,548
what was Mr. Tindle's reaction ?
1066
01:20:00,050 --> 01:20:03,552
Electrifying ! He swallowed my
story hook, line and sinker.
1067
01:20:03,552 --> 01:20:06,056
He fell to his knees, pleaded for his life.
1068
01:20:06,056 --> 01:20:10,559
but I was implacable. I put the gun
against his head and shot him...
1069
01:20:11,560 --> 01:20:14,564
with a blank cartridge.
1070
01:20:18,568 --> 01:20:21,570
You shot Mr. Tindle...
with a blank cartridge, sir ?
1071
01:20:21,570 --> 01:20:24,074
Fainted dead away.
1072
01:20:24,074 --> 01:20:28,577
My game was over.
It was the most gratifying win.
1073
01:20:28,577 --> 01:20:32,081
You actually... put a gun to his head...
1074
01:20:32,081 --> 01:20:35,586
and pulled the trigger... as a game ?
1075
01:20:37,086 --> 01:20:40,090
Call it his initiation test, if you like.
1076
01:20:40,590 --> 01:20:44,095
He came here aping the gentry,
hoping for acceptance.
1077
01:20:44,095 --> 01:20:48,597
But he had to be taught.
You don't join just like that.
1078
01:20:48,597 --> 01:20:50,599
There's such a thing as breeding !
1079
01:20:50,599 --> 01:20:55,605
The quality that breeding brings...
cannot be acquired.
1080
01:20:55,605 --> 01:20:58,108
Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
1081
01:20:58,108 --> 01:21:00,609
He may well have done, sir,
1082
01:21:00,609 --> 01:21:04,614
but he also must have been
put in fear of his life.
1083
01:21:06,115 --> 01:21:08,117
Such irresponsible action...
1084
01:21:08,117 --> 01:21:10,619
warrants a serious charge of assault.
1085
01:21:10,619 --> 01:21:13,623
I suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder...
1086
01:21:13,623 --> 01:21:15,625
you were contemplating a few minutes ago.
1087
01:21:15,625 --> 01:21:18,127
- I still am contemplating it.
- oh, come on, Inspector.
1088
01:21:18,127 --> 01:21:21,631
I told you what happened. After a
few minutes he came to his senses,
1089
01:21:21,631 --> 01:21:24,135
realized shrewdly that
he wasn't dead after all,
1090
01:21:24,135 --> 01:21:28,137
and after only a few too many
brandies lurched off home.
1091
01:21:28,137 --> 01:21:33,144
I'm sorry you appear to find this
all quite so funny, Mr. Wyke.
1092
01:21:33,144 --> 01:21:36,145
We may not take quite the same attitude.
1093
01:21:36,645 --> 01:21:39,148
Now, look here !
1094
01:21:39,148 --> 01:21:42,102
Why can't you see this
from my point of view ?
1095
01:21:42,604 --> 01:21:45,606
In a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he ?
1096
01:21:45,606 --> 01:21:48,608
Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir ?
1097
01:21:48,608 --> 01:21:51,111
Of course not. Don't you see ?
It was a game.
1098
01:21:51,111 --> 01:21:54,114
Just a bloody game !
- Bloody indeed, sir.
1099
01:21:54,114 --> 01:21:56,617
I achieved what I set out to do,
and that was all.
1100
01:21:56,617 --> 01:21:58,618
- You may well have achieved murder, sir.
- No !
1101
01:21:59,118 --> 01:22:02,623
- I believe so, sir.
- No ! I've told you everything that happened.
1102
01:22:02,623 --> 01:22:04,625
Would you mind if I had a look around, sir ?
1103
01:22:04,625 --> 01:22:06,626
Crawl about on all fours, if you like.
1104
01:22:06,626 --> 01:22:09,631
Get out your envelope and imprison hairs.
1105
01:22:09,631 --> 01:22:12,132
Gather ye blunt instruments while ye may.
1106
01:22:18,640 --> 01:22:20,641
Now, I ask myself,
1107
01:22:20,641 --> 01:22:23,144
if I wanted to conceal Tindle's body,
1108
01:22:23,144 --> 01:22:26,646
where would I put it ?
1109
01:22:26,646 --> 01:22:31,151
In my good friend Jolly Jack Tar, the sailor.
1110
01:22:49,671 --> 01:22:52,673
Very amusing, sir.
1111
01:22:52,673 --> 01:22:54,675
May I ask how you did that ?
1112
01:22:54,675 --> 01:22:58,177
No. Jolly Jack and I have our little secret.
1113
01:22:58,177 --> 01:23:01,682
Then may I ask how you made
those holes in the wall ?
1114
01:23:02,182 --> 01:23:04,684
That one over there,
1115
01:23:04,684 --> 01:23:06,686
and this one over here.
1116
01:23:09,189 --> 01:23:12,693
- They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
- Quite right, Inspector.
1117
01:23:12,693 --> 01:23:14,694
So they are.
1118
01:23:14,694 --> 01:23:16,698
Oh, I understood you, sir,
1119
01:23:16,698 --> 01:23:18,699
say that you used a blank.
1120
01:23:18,699 --> 01:23:23,202
Two live bullets to set up the trick,
and one blank to complete it.
1121
01:23:23,202 --> 01:23:25,204
I had to persuade Tindle I was in earnest.
1122
01:23:25,204 --> 01:23:28,208
Oh, I see, sir. One blank.
1123
01:23:28,709 --> 01:23:32,211
Then would you just show me please, sir,
where Mr. Tindle was when you killed him ?
1124
01:23:34,213 --> 01:23:36,215
Pretended to kill him, you mean.
1125
01:23:36,215 --> 01:23:39,220
Quite so. Then would you show me...
1126
01:23:39,721 --> 01:23:41,721
exactly where he was when the bullet hit him.
1127
01:23:41,721 --> 01:23:44,724
I keep telling you, it was not a real bullet !
1128
01:23:45,725 --> 01:23:48,729
So you do, sir. So you do.
1129
01:23:48,729 --> 01:23:50,731
Very well then. Where was he...
1130
01:23:50,731 --> 01:23:54,233
when the blank cartridge was fired ?
1131
01:23:54,233 --> 01:23:56,738
He was standing, or I should say kneeling,
1132
01:23:56,738 --> 01:23:59,740
or more accurately cowering, here.
1133
01:24:06,747 --> 01:24:09,750
- About here, you say, sir ?
- Two steps down.
1134
01:24:12,752 --> 01:24:17,257
- That's it.
- Were you close to Mr. Tindle
when you fired the gun ?
1135
01:24:17,257 --> 01:24:20,760
Oh, very. I was standing over him, in
fact, with the gun against his head.
1136
01:24:20,760 --> 01:24:23,262
You see, it was the actual feel of the gun,
1137
01:24:23,262 --> 01:24:25,265
coupled with the noise of the explosion,
1138
01:24:25,265 --> 01:24:27,267
that did the trick.
1139
01:24:41,280 --> 01:24:44,283
The traditional tool of your trade, Inspector ?
1140
01:25:26,327 --> 01:25:28,327
Joke blood, sir ?
1141
01:25:31,831 --> 01:25:33,834
I don't think I quite follow, Inspector.
1142
01:25:33,834 --> 01:25:37,837
Here, on the bannisters,
1143
01:25:37,837 --> 01:25:39,840
and underneath the carpet.
1144
01:25:44,846 --> 01:25:47,847
- It's dried blood, sir.
- Blood ?
1145
01:25:47,847 --> 01:25:49,849
Where ?
1146
01:25:57,356 --> 01:25:59,859
Don't touch it.
1147
01:25:59,859 --> 01:26:01,863
That's dried blood, all right.
1148
01:26:01,863 --> 01:26:04,364
There's some more over here.
1149
01:26:04,364 --> 01:26:06,867
Someone's been rubbing the carpet. See that ?
1150
01:26:06,867 --> 01:26:10,369
Deep in the pile. That's blood, sir.
1151
01:26:13,373 --> 01:26:15,375
It's still damp.
1152
01:26:16,876 --> 01:26:19,881
Will you explain to me how that got there ?
1153
01:26:19,881 --> 01:26:21,882
I have no idea.
1154
01:26:22,382 --> 01:26:25,385
Tindle wasn't wounded or hurt in any way.
1155
01:26:25,885 --> 01:26:27,887
Well, you must believe me !
1156
01:26:29,890 --> 01:26:33,894
With real bullets... and real blood,
1157
01:26:34,394 --> 01:26:38,398
Isn't it about time we stopped
talking about games, sir ?
1158
01:26:38,398 --> 01:26:40,901
Look ! Look at the window !
1159
01:26:41,401 --> 01:26:44,904
There you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
1160
01:26:45,404 --> 01:26:48,407
And down there, the imprint of
the ladder in the flower bed...
1161
01:26:48,407 --> 01:26:52,413
and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
1162
01:26:52,413 --> 01:26:54,413
Look, I can show you !
- Over the years,
1163
01:26:54,413 --> 01:26:57,917
my eyes have been adequately trained
to see things for themselves, sir.
1164
01:26:57,917 --> 01:27:00,421
I'm sure they have, Inspector.
I'm just trying to point out a few facts...
1165
01:27:00,921 --> 01:27:02,422
to substantiate my story,
1166
01:27:02,923 --> 01:27:06,425
like the blown safe I've
shown you in the study...
1167
01:27:06,425 --> 01:27:10,931
and like the dressing-up basket
you found in the cellar.
1168
01:27:10,931 --> 01:27:13,934
You say that Mr. Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
1169
01:27:14,934 --> 01:27:18,439
I saw no such costume in that basket !
1170
01:27:18,439 --> 01:27:20,941
Nor have you pointed out...
1171
01:27:20,941 --> 01:27:23,443
that mound of earth in the garden,
have you, sir ?
1172
01:27:23,443 --> 01:27:25,444
Mound of earth ?
1173
01:27:28,448 --> 01:27:30,450
What mound of earth ?
1174
01:27:30,450 --> 01:27:33,452
That one over by the far wall...
1175
01:27:33,452 --> 01:27:35,454
in the shade of that cedar tree.
1176
01:27:35,454 --> 01:27:39,961
- I can't see anything.
- Well, it's there, all right.
1177
01:27:39,961 --> 01:27:42,962
I saw it before I rang your bell.
1178
01:27:44,463 --> 01:27:47,968
I think we'd better go and have a look at it.
1179
01:27:59,479 --> 01:28:01,481
Together, sir.
1180
01:28:21,468 --> 01:28:24,971
Here we are, sir. Now,
1181
01:28:24,971 --> 01:28:27,923
would you say that had
been freshly dug, sir ?
1182
01:28:27,923 --> 01:28:29,925
How do I know ?
1183
01:28:29,925 --> 01:28:32,430
Probably something that the
gardener's been doing. Ask him.
1184
01:28:32,430 --> 01:28:34,431
You'll find him somewhere, maundering about,
1185
01:28:34,431 --> 01:28:37,684
aching for an opportunity to slander
his employer-- they all do.
1186
01:28:37,684 --> 01:28:40,488
All for my part, I've always found...
1187
01:28:40,488 --> 01:28:42,989
that gardeners make excellent witnesses.
1188
01:28:42,989 --> 01:28:46,492
They're slow, they're methodical,
and they're positive.
1189
01:28:46,492 --> 01:28:50,997
Inspector, I've had just about
enough of this farce.
1190
01:28:50,997 --> 01:28:54,501
Do you really think I'd be fool enough
to bury Tindle out here in the garden...
1191
01:28:54,501 --> 01:28:58,003
leaving all that newly-turned
earth for everyone to find ?
1192
01:28:58,003 --> 01:29:00,507
If you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
1193
01:29:00,507 --> 01:29:05,010
In a couple of weeks, with a little
grass seed or a few bulbs,
1194
01:29:05,010 --> 01:29:08,515
it'd be very difficult to tell
it had ever been disturbed.
1195
01:29:08,515 --> 01:29:11,519
We in the Police force know just how fond...
1196
01:29:11,519 --> 01:29:14,520
murderers are of their backyards, sir.
1197
01:29:14,520 --> 01:29:18,023
One's as near a murderer's heart in
a garden as anywhere else on earth,
1198
01:29:18,023 --> 01:29:21,028
eh, Inspector ?
- Excepting the bedroom, sir.
1199
01:29:21,529 --> 01:29:24,029
I think you'll find that's still the favorite.
1200
01:29:49,055 --> 01:29:51,057
There's no mistaking whose
room this is, eh, sir ?
1201
01:29:58,565 --> 01:30:02,068
My wife showers. I bathe.
1202
01:30:33,599 --> 01:30:37,104
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Clothing all screwed up...
1203
01:30:37,104 --> 01:30:39,105
on the floor of the wardrobe.
1204
01:30:39,105 --> 01:30:41,608
That's not like you, sir.
1205
01:30:41,608 --> 01:30:46,113
Oh ! Here's an interesting monogram--
"I-W."
1206
01:30:48,114 --> 01:30:50,617
Or have I-- Oh, I've got this the wrong way up.
1207
01:30:50,617 --> 01:30:54,622
Aha. "M-T."
1208
01:30:55,622 --> 01:30:57,624
Let me see that.
1209
01:31:02,628 --> 01:31:06,132
"Made by owen and tan credy of Percy Street...
1210
01:31:06,132 --> 01:31:09,635
for Mr. Milo Tindle, November 12."
1211
01:31:11,136 --> 01:31:15,642
Tell me, sir, when Mr. Tindle
"lurched off," as you put it,
1212
01:31:16,142 --> 01:31:19,144
did he lurch naked ?
1213
01:31:19,144 --> 01:31:22,648
And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village ?
1214
01:31:23,148 --> 01:31:25,653
He changed back before he
left into these clothes.
1215
01:31:26,153 --> 01:31:27,654
Do you still maintain, sir,
1216
01:31:28,154 --> 01:31:31,657
that Mr. Tindle changed into the
clown's costume in the cellar ?
1217
01:31:31,657 --> 01:31:34,160
- Yes !
- Another part...
1218
01:31:34,160 --> 01:31:37,663
of the humiliation process, I suppose.
1219
01:31:37,663 --> 01:31:40,666
Then someone must have carried his clothing...
1220
01:31:40,666 --> 01:31:43,169
up from the cellar and
placed them in this wardrobe.
1221
01:31:43,671 --> 01:31:45,672
- I did.
- Why ?
1222
01:31:46,172 --> 01:31:49,675
Because I felt they'd be better off in
a wardrobe than in a dusty old cellar.
1223
01:31:49,675 --> 01:31:51,677
More convenient.
1224
01:31:51,677 --> 01:31:54,681
All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe ? Why ?
1225
01:31:54,681 --> 01:31:58,684
I didn't think it'd be long before he'd
be changing back-- it's all so baffling.
1226
01:31:58,684 --> 01:32:01,689
Not at all, sir.
1227
01:32:02,189 --> 01:32:05,191
You threw those clothes on
the floor of the wardrobe...
1228
01:32:05,191 --> 01:32:10,196
because you knew that Mr. Tindle would
not be needing them again... Ever !
1229
01:32:10,196 --> 01:32:14,200
That's right, sir, isn't it ?
- He changed back before he left...
1230
01:32:14,200 --> 01:32:16,203
and wore them when he went away !
1231
01:32:16,203 --> 01:32:18,705
I think you started this...
1232
01:32:18,705 --> 01:32:21,707
exactly as you say you did--
1233
01:32:21,707 --> 01:32:26,212
as a game in order to play a
diabolical trick on Mr. Tindle--
1234
01:32:26,212 --> 01:32:28,214
but that it went wrong.
1235
01:32:28,214 --> 01:32:32,218
Your third shot was not a blank,
as you had supposed,
1236
01:32:32,218 --> 01:32:36,221
but a live bullet that killed
Mr. Tindle stone dead,
1237
01:32:37,725 --> 01:32:41,729
spattering blood on the bannisters
in the process !
1238
01:32:41,729 --> 01:32:45,732
Then, when you realized what you'd done,
1239
01:32:45,732 --> 01:32:49,736
you simply panicked, like a
thousand murderers before you,
1240
01:32:49,736 --> 01:32:53,238
and buried the corpse in the garden.
1241
01:32:53,238 --> 01:32:55,241
It was very silly of you...
1242
01:32:55,241 --> 01:32:58,745
not to clean the blood properly off
the bannisters and burn his clothes.
1243
01:32:59,245 --> 01:33:01,747
I swear, Tindle left here alive !
1244
01:33:01,747 --> 01:33:04,752
At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
1245
01:33:04,752 --> 01:33:06,752
you had better tell that to the judge.
1246
01:33:06,752 --> 01:33:08,756
Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
1247
01:33:08,756 --> 01:33:11,256
If you think Tindle's out in
the garden, for Christ's sake,
1248
01:33:11,256 --> 01:33:14,261
why don't you go and dig him up !
- We don't need to find him, sir.
1249
01:33:14,261 --> 01:33:17,765
If Mr. Tindle is not beneath
that newly-turned earth,
1250
01:33:17,765 --> 01:33:20,265
it will merely go to indicate
that in your panic,
1251
01:33:20,767 --> 01:33:23,770
you first thought of putting him
there, changed your mind, and
buried him somewhere else.
1252
01:33:23,770 --> 01:33:27,274
- Where ?
- Oh, that's not important, sir.
1253
01:33:27,274 --> 01:33:29,274
He'll turn up sooner or later.
1254
01:33:29,274 --> 01:33:32,278
And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
1255
01:33:32,278 --> 01:33:34,781
We have your note summoning Mr. Tindle here,
1256
01:33:35,281 --> 01:33:37,783
shots were heard, bullet holes made,
1257
01:33:37,783 --> 01:33:40,287
blood is on the bannisters and the carpet,
1258
01:33:40,287 --> 01:33:44,290
his clothes were hidden in your wardrobe,
and he had disappeared.
1259
01:33:44,290 --> 01:33:46,792
Who needs a body ?
1260
01:33:49,296 --> 01:33:52,799
Sir, come along, then.
1261
01:33:53,299 --> 01:33:55,301
It's time to go.
- No ! I can't believe--
1262
01:33:55,301 --> 01:33:57,805
I'm afraid-- I'm afraid, sir,
1263
01:33:58,305 --> 01:33:59,805
that I must insist.
1264
01:34:00,305 --> 01:34:01,807
There is a Police car at
the end of the driveway.
1265
01:34:02,307 --> 01:34:05,812
I don't care if you've got a fleet of
Police cars ! I'm not bloody well going !
1266
01:34:19,827 --> 01:34:21,828
Now, let's have no problems, sir.
1267
01:34:21,828 --> 01:34:25,332
Please don't make it difficult.
- Christ ! You're hurting my arm !
1268
01:34:25,332 --> 01:34:28,334
You give me no alternative.
If you'll just come quiet.
1269
01:34:28,334 --> 01:34:30,837
Can't I get my lawyer ? It's my right !
1270
01:34:30,837 --> 01:34:32,839
We can make a call from the Police station.
1271
01:34:33,339 --> 01:34:35,341
We wouldn't wanna do anything unconstitutional.
1272
01:34:37,845 --> 01:34:39,845
Come now, sir. Don't despair.
1273
01:34:40,345 --> 01:34:42,850
You may get off with as
little as seven years.
1274
01:34:42,850 --> 01:34:44,850
Seven years ?
1275
01:34:44,850 --> 01:34:50,356
Seven years to regret the playing
of silly games that go wrong.
1276
01:34:50,356 --> 01:34:54,861
Spare me the sentiment ! It didn't go wrong !
It all went bloody well right !
1277
01:34:54,861 --> 01:34:58,865
You think so, do you, sir ?
1278
01:34:58,865 --> 01:35:00,868
We real-life policemen...
1279
01:35:00,868 --> 01:35:04,370
are not as stupid as we
are sometimes portrayed...
1280
01:35:04,872 --> 01:35:06,872
by writers like yourself.
1281
01:35:06,872 --> 01:35:09,374
We may not have our monocles...
1282
01:35:09,877 --> 01:35:12,879
or our orchid houses or our deerstalkers...
1283
01:35:12,879 --> 01:35:14,881
or our shovel hats,
1284
01:35:15,381 --> 01:35:19,386
but we are reasonably effective
for all that, sir.
1285
01:35:19,386 --> 01:35:23,390
You seem to know a hell of a lot about
detective stories, Inspector !
1286
01:35:23,390 --> 01:35:27,895
Yes. I have read quite a few in my time, sir.
1287
01:35:27,895 --> 01:35:29,895
And in recent years,
1288
01:35:30,395 --> 01:35:34,399
I have come to believe
that the detective story...
1289
01:35:34,399 --> 01:35:36,903
is the normal recreation of noble minds, sir.
1290
01:35:36,903 --> 01:35:39,404
Who or what the hell are you ?
1291
01:35:46,245 --> 01:35:49,749
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir.
1292
01:35:53,252 --> 01:35:56,256
It is spelled like "Dopple,"
1293
01:35:57,256 --> 01:36:01,761
which, as I'm sure you know,
1294
01:36:01,761 --> 01:36:04,765
means "double"...
1295
01:36:04,765 --> 01:36:07,767
in German.
1296
01:36:07,767 --> 01:36:11,270
And for those whose minds...
1297
01:36:11,270 --> 01:36:14,774
run to these things,
1298
01:36:14,774 --> 01:36:17,276
it is virtually...
1299
01:36:17,276 --> 01:36:19,278
an anagram...
1300
01:36:19,278 --> 01:36:22,281
of the word "plodder."
1301
01:36:24,283 --> 01:36:26,787
So...
1302
01:36:27,287 --> 01:36:30,790
Inspector Plodder...
1303
01:36:30,790 --> 01:36:35,294
becomes Inspector Doppler,
1304
01:36:38,296 --> 01:36:41,301
if you see what I mean...
1305
01:36:46,305 --> 01:36:48,307
sir.
1306
01:36:52,812 --> 01:36:56,314
- Milo.
- The same !
1307
01:36:56,314 --> 01:36:58,819
You shit !
1308
01:37:02,823 --> 01:37:04,323
Grazie mille.
1309
01:37:04,823 --> 01:37:07,828
You all-time, knockdown,
1310
01:37:07,828 --> 01:37:10,830
champion bastard, Milo !
1311
01:37:10,830 --> 01:37:12,832
You're too kind.
1312
01:37:21,341 --> 01:37:25,845
I'm not saying it wasn't well done.
It was extremely beautiful.
1313
01:37:25,845 --> 01:37:28,848
It was very-- it was brilliant.
1314
01:37:28,848 --> 01:37:31,350
Incidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
1315
01:37:36,354 --> 01:37:37,857
Now he knows I'm funny.
1316
01:37:38,357 --> 01:37:40,859
"Do have a drink, Milo." Mmm.
1317
01:37:41,359 --> 01:37:42,863
I'm sorry. Do help yourself.
1318
01:37:43,363 --> 01:37:46,365
I'll have a wash first. I'm
covered in makeup and spirit gum.
1319
01:37:46,866 --> 01:37:50,368
- Use the kitchen.
- No, I prefer the master bathroom.
1320
01:38:01,381 --> 01:38:02,881
Your very good health, sir.
1321
01:38:03,381 --> 01:38:06,386
Cheers.
1322
01:38:21,901 --> 01:38:24,903
I must say,
1323
01:38:24,903 --> 01:38:28,408
I must congratulate you, Milo.
1324
01:38:28,408 --> 01:38:30,408
It was first class.
1325
01:38:30,408 --> 01:38:33,912
You sure had me going there for a while.
1326
01:38:33,912 --> 01:38:36,415
For a while ?
1327
01:38:39,417 --> 01:38:43,421
Well, it was quite a while, I concede.
1328
01:38:43,421 --> 01:38:46,426
But I got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know ?
1329
01:38:46,426 --> 01:38:49,428
You did go on a bit, I thought.
1330
01:39:02,441 --> 01:39:05,444
What did you think of my performance ?
1331
01:39:05,444 --> 01:39:09,448
The anguish of the innocent man,
trapped by circumstantial evidence.
1332
01:39:09,448 --> 01:39:14,453
- It wasn't a performance.
- Of course it was. It had to be convincing.
1333
01:39:14,453 --> 01:39:17,957
Apparently, I succeeded.
1334
01:39:17,957 --> 01:39:21,962
You just don't know how to lose
at all, do you, Andrew ?
1335
01:39:21,962 --> 01:39:24,964
All that crap you gave old Doppler...
1336
01:39:24,964 --> 01:39:26,966
about the gentry losing gracefully.
1337
01:39:26,966 --> 01:39:28,968
Jesus.
1338
01:39:28,968 --> 01:39:31,470
Why, I told you, you-you did well.
1339
01:39:31,470 --> 01:39:33,471
It was really good.
1340
01:39:33,973 --> 01:39:35,975
I loved your Inspector Doppler.
1341
01:39:35,975 --> 01:39:37,977
I'm glad you view...
1342
01:39:37,977 --> 01:39:40,479
the trifling masquerade in that light, sir.
1343
01:39:40,479 --> 01:39:42,481
Your makeup was damn good-- first-class.
1344
01:39:42,481 --> 01:39:44,484
You didn't do that yourself, did you ?
1345
01:39:44,484 --> 01:39:47,988
I am a hairdresser, don't forget.
1346
01:39:47,988 --> 01:39:51,991
I do have friends in the, uh, arts.
1347
01:39:53,493 --> 01:39:55,493
I suppose you, uh, sneaked--
1348
01:39:55,995 --> 01:39:57,997
slipped in here yesterday
while I was in Salisbury.
1349
01:39:57,997 --> 01:40:02,002
- Yes.
- Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe...
1350
01:40:02,002 --> 01:40:06,506
and sprinkled a little sacrificial
blood onto the bannisters, hmm ?
1351
01:40:07,006 --> 01:40:11,011
It wasn't my blood, I know
you'll be relieved to hear.
1352
01:40:11,011 --> 01:40:13,511
I got it from a pig's liver.
1353
01:40:13,511 --> 01:40:16,515
I suppose you could've used
almost any dago wine.
1354
01:40:16,515 --> 01:40:19,019
- Oh, I'll have that drink now.
- Of course.
1355
01:40:19,019 --> 01:40:22,520
- Gin and tonic, I think.
- You richly deserve it, my dear fellow.
1356
01:40:22,520 --> 01:40:24,524
Come along.
1357
01:40:26,524 --> 01:40:29,528
You know, I haven't congratulated you yet...
1358
01:40:30,028 --> 01:40:31,529
on your, uh, game.
1359
01:40:32,031 --> 01:40:34,033
- Oh ?
- It was jolly good.
1360
01:40:34,033 --> 01:40:36,535
You really think so ? Good.
1361
01:40:36,535 --> 01:40:39,037
I must say, I was rather
delighted with it myself.
1362
01:40:39,037 --> 01:40:41,540
I say, did you really think...
1363
01:40:41,540 --> 01:40:44,042
your last moment on earth had come ?
1364
01:40:44,042 --> 01:40:45,544
Yes.
1365
01:40:46,046 --> 01:40:48,046
You're not cross, are you ?
1366
01:40:50,049 --> 01:40:52,551
Cross ? I don't understand.
1367
01:40:52,551 --> 01:40:54,553
That's one of your words.
1368
01:40:54,553 --> 01:40:59,057
Look, as I explained to you,
when you were playing Doppler,
1369
01:40:59,557 --> 01:41:03,062
I had to test your mettle
to see if, as I suspected,
1370
01:41:03,062 --> 01:41:05,564
you really were my sort of person.
1371
01:41:05,564 --> 01:41:08,066
A games-playing sort of person ?
1372
01:41:08,566 --> 01:41:11,569
- Exactly !
- And am I ?
1373
01:41:11,569 --> 01:41:14,073
There's no question about it.
1374
01:41:14,073 --> 01:41:17,077
Compare your experience this weekend,
1375
01:41:17,077 --> 01:41:20,078
my dear Milo, with any
other moments in your life.
1376
01:41:20,078 --> 01:41:22,082
Now, if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit...
1377
01:41:22,082 --> 01:41:26,086
that you lived more intensely in
my company than in anybody else's.
1378
01:41:26,086 --> 01:41:29,587
Now, even with Marguerite.
1379
01:41:29,587 --> 01:41:33,091
Now, we know what it is
to play a game, you and I.
1380
01:41:34,593 --> 01:41:36,595
That's so rare.
1381
01:41:36,595 --> 01:41:39,098
Two people brought together,
1382
01:41:39,098 --> 01:41:41,600
equally matched, having the courage...
1383
01:41:42,100 --> 01:41:43,602
and the talents...
1384
01:41:44,104 --> 01:41:48,607
to make of life a continuing
charade of bright fancies,
1385
01:41:48,607 --> 01:41:51,609
happy invention;
1386
01:41:51,609 --> 01:41:55,113
to face out its emptiness...
1387
01:41:55,613 --> 01:41:59,118
and its terrors by playing.
1388
01:41:59,618 --> 01:42:03,122
By just playing.
1389
01:42:05,124 --> 01:42:07,127
Haven't you forgotten
the jumped-up pantry boy...
1390
01:42:07,627 --> 01:42:10,629
who doesn't know his place ?
1391
01:42:10,629 --> 01:42:13,631
We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
1392
01:42:13,631 --> 01:42:15,635
In mine, there was no time...
1393
01:42:15,635 --> 01:42:19,638
for bright fancies and happy inventions.
1394
01:42:20,140 --> 01:42:21,640
No stopping for tea.
1395
01:42:23,142 --> 01:42:26,645
The only game we played was to survive...
1396
01:42:27,145 --> 01:42:29,149
or go to the wall.
1397
01:42:29,149 --> 01:42:32,151
If you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
1398
01:42:32,151 --> 01:42:34,153
Loser lose all.
1399
01:42:37,656 --> 01:42:39,158
You probably don't understand that.
1400
01:42:39,658 --> 01:42:42,662
Understand or not, nothing
you've said disproves my point.
1401
01:42:42,662 --> 01:42:46,665
Look at the way you chose to get back at me--
by playing Inspector Doppler.
1402
01:42:47,667 --> 01:42:49,667
Simple revenge.
1403
01:42:49,667 --> 01:42:51,671
Paying back in kind.
1404
01:42:53,671 --> 01:42:57,176
Every wop knows about that.
- Well, is honor satisfied ?
1405
01:42:57,176 --> 01:42:59,178
Score even ? One set all ?
1406
01:42:59,178 --> 01:43:01,180
"Honor" ?
1407
01:43:03,182 --> 01:43:05,185
That's another one of your words.
1408
01:43:06,685 --> 01:43:09,189
I know...
1409
01:43:09,189 --> 01:43:11,189
that you've stripped me...
1410
01:43:11,689 --> 01:43:13,691
more than naked.
1411
01:43:13,691 --> 01:43:17,196
I know... that you actually...
1412
01:43:17,196 --> 01:43:19,698
terrified me to death.
1413
01:43:21,200 --> 01:43:24,203
I stood on those stairs looking down...
1414
01:43:24,703 --> 01:43:28,207
and realizing that my-my coat sleeve button,
1415
01:43:28,707 --> 01:43:30,209
the bannister,
1416
01:43:30,709 --> 01:43:33,712
the nail on my fourth finger...
1417
01:43:33,712 --> 01:43:38,216
were absolutely the last things
I was gonna see...
1418
01:43:38,216 --> 01:43:40,720
ever.
1419
01:43:40,720 --> 01:43:43,721
Then, I heard...
1420
01:43:43,721 --> 01:43:47,225
the sound... of my own death.
1421
01:43:47,225 --> 01:43:49,729
Now, that changes you, Andrew,
1422
01:43:49,729 --> 01:43:53,232
believe me, and I still owe you for that.
1423
01:43:53,732 --> 01:43:56,234
It'll pass. It's shock, my dear fellow.
Here, let me give you--
1424
01:43:56,234 --> 01:43:59,738
I don't want an even score !
1425
01:43:59,738 --> 01:44:04,743
And don't you give me any of that
one-set-all, it's-enough-to-take-part crap.
1426
01:44:07,247 --> 01:44:09,247
My father just took part,
1427
01:44:09,247 --> 01:44:12,752
and his father,
and his father.
1428
01:44:12,752 --> 01:44:16,256
Losers, as far back as you can go !
1429
01:44:17,756 --> 01:44:20,260
Well, it stops with me !
1430
01:44:20,260 --> 01:44:22,761
With me, the Tindles start winning !
1431
01:44:24,763 --> 01:44:27,265
And others start losing.
1432
01:44:31,270 --> 01:44:33,272
You, for example.
1433
01:44:34,774 --> 01:44:37,276
Me ? Lose what ?
1434
01:44:37,776 --> 01:44:39,278
A new game--
1435
01:44:39,778 --> 01:44:43,283
My kind, my rules, played my way.
1436
01:44:43,783 --> 01:44:46,785
And to start it, I have killed someone.
1437
01:44:48,287 --> 01:44:50,788
- You've killed someone ?
- Murdered someone.
1438
01:44:50,788 --> 01:44:53,792
Committed murder.
- You're not serious.
1439
01:44:55,294 --> 01:44:57,296
Deadly.
1440
01:44:57,296 --> 01:45:00,799
It's a real game and a real murder.
1441
01:45:00,799 --> 01:45:05,805
There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game. Isn't that right ?
1442
01:45:06,305 --> 01:45:10,310
- Absolutely.
- We're past pretending now.
1443
01:45:10,810 --> 01:45:14,314
We'll leave that to the amateurs--
the gentleman players like you.
1444
01:45:14,314 --> 01:45:17,316
Uh, look, Milo, I think perhaps another time--
1445
01:45:17,816 --> 01:45:21,819
- It can't wait !
- All right. All right.
1446
01:45:21,819 --> 01:45:26,325
We'll play your game.
Now, whom did you kill ?
1447
01:45:26,325 --> 01:45:29,828
"Whom" ? "Whom" ?
1448
01:45:29,828 --> 01:45:31,830
Who, besides yourself,
1449
01:45:32,332 --> 01:45:36,336
is the closest to being
someone you care about ?
1450
01:45:36,336 --> 01:45:40,839
Would it be your girlfriend, Tea ?
1451
01:45:40,839 --> 01:45:43,341
Possibly.
1452
01:45:43,341 --> 01:45:46,345
Why ?
- She's the one.
1453
01:45:48,846 --> 01:45:50,850
You killed Tea ?
1454
01:45:50,850 --> 01:45:52,850
She, whose cobalt eyes...
1455
01:45:53,352 --> 01:45:57,356
were the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
1456
01:45:57,356 --> 01:45:59,359
I closed them.
1457
01:46:01,359 --> 01:46:04,363
- You--
- Yes, I strangled her,
1458
01:46:04,863 --> 01:46:07,366
right over there on that rug.
1459
01:46:07,366 --> 01:46:11,370
I strangled her.
And-- oh, yes,
1460
01:46:11,370 --> 01:46:13,872
I screwed her first.
1461
01:46:16,874 --> 01:46:19,877
You raped and strangled--
1462
01:46:19,877 --> 01:46:21,881
No, not rape.
1463
01:46:21,881 --> 01:46:25,385
She wanted it.
- You're lying !
1464
01:46:27,386 --> 01:46:30,390
You can't take me with
a crude game like this.
1465
01:46:30,390 --> 01:46:32,890
Honestly, Milo, I gave you
credit for better sport.
1466
01:46:32,890 --> 01:46:34,894
When I was here yesterday...
1467
01:46:34,894 --> 01:46:37,895
planting the blood and
clothes for old Doppler,
1468
01:46:37,895 --> 01:46:40,899
Tea showed up looking for you.
1469
01:46:40,899 --> 01:46:44,403
So I "pitched her a little woo,"
as you would've said in your day,
1470
01:46:44,403 --> 01:46:49,908
and we danced cheek to cheek to those
cornball, big-band oldies of yours.
1471
01:46:49,908 --> 01:46:52,412
I mean, who but you would have them ?
1472
01:46:52,412 --> 01:46:54,912
Anyway, it worked.
1473
01:46:54,912 --> 01:46:58,417
She got itchy, and I had to scratch,
didn't I ?
1474
01:46:58,417 --> 01:47:00,919
And afterwards she got sleepy,
1475
01:47:00,919 --> 01:47:03,421
and that's when I did it, old boy.
1476
01:47:03,421 --> 01:47:06,426
I wrung her neck.
1477
01:47:06,426 --> 01:47:08,926
She was under that freshly-dug mound of earth...
1478
01:47:08,926 --> 01:47:12,430
that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
- "Was" ? She's not now ?
1479
01:47:12,430 --> 01:47:14,932
- No, I moved her.
- Where to ?
1480
01:47:14,932 --> 01:47:19,439
The flooded gravel pit ?
Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory ?
1481
01:47:19,439 --> 01:47:21,439
It doesn't matter where to.
1482
01:47:21,439 --> 01:47:23,941
The Police will find her in due course
if they haven't found her already.
1483
01:47:23,941 --> 01:47:26,444
- The Police ?
- Yes.
1484
01:47:26,444 --> 01:47:28,448
I phoned them about an hour ago...
1485
01:47:28,448 --> 01:47:31,450
and asked them to meet me here at 10:00.
1486
01:47:31,450 --> 01:47:34,453
They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
1487
01:47:34,953 --> 01:47:37,457
I'm sure they will too.
1488
01:47:37,457 --> 01:47:42,962
Led, no doubt, by intrepid,
downy Inspector Doppler.
- Nope.
1489
01:47:42,962 --> 01:47:45,464
It'll be a real cop, all right.
1490
01:47:45,464 --> 01:47:47,966
Detective Sergeant Tarrant
Is his name.
1491
01:47:47,966 --> 01:47:50,970
Check it, if you like.
1492
01:47:51,470 --> 01:47:53,971
I told him a lot about you, Andrew.
1493
01:47:53,971 --> 01:47:57,475
I said I knew you to be a man
obsessed with games-playing...
1494
01:47:57,975 --> 01:47:59,979
and murder considered as a fine art.
1495
01:47:59,979 --> 01:48:03,982
Your life's great ambition, I said,
of which you'd often spoken...
1496
01:48:03,982 --> 01:48:07,986
was to commit an actual, real life murder,
hide the body,
1497
01:48:07,986 --> 01:48:11,490
then leave clues linking you with
the crime scattered about the house,
1498
01:48:11,990 --> 01:48:14,493
convinced that the poor,
simple minded Police...
1499
01:48:14,493 --> 01:48:16,495
would never recognize 'em for what they were.
1500
01:48:16,995 --> 01:48:20,999
"Please, sir, Andrew wyke can't rest
until he's committed a real murder,
1501
01:48:21,499 --> 01:48:24,002
but he's gonna make fools
out of all you coppers."
1502
01:48:24,002 --> 01:48:27,506
Honestly ! Tell that to
the average desk Sergeant,
1503
01:48:27,506 --> 01:48:30,008
and you'll find yourself strapped
right into the giggle jacket.
1504
01:48:30,510 --> 01:48:33,511
Not so, in fact.
1505
01:48:33,511 --> 01:48:36,515
I told them that if they didn't believe me,
1506
01:48:36,515 --> 01:48:40,520
one look at your books and the
furnishings of your house...
1507
01:48:40,520 --> 01:48:43,522
would confirm what I said
about your obsessions.
1508
01:48:48,026 --> 01:48:50,528
Go on.
1509
01:48:50,528 --> 01:48:54,033
I also told them that two days ago,
1510
01:48:54,033 --> 01:48:59,037
your girlfriend came to my house in great
distress, saying that you suspected her...
1511
01:48:59,037 --> 01:49:02,040
of having affairs with other men
and threatened to kill her.
1512
01:49:02,040 --> 01:49:05,042
I bet they believed every word of that !
1513
01:49:05,042 --> 01:49:07,546
In the end, yes, they did.
1514
01:49:11,049 --> 01:49:13,551
My dear boy.
1515
01:49:13,551 --> 01:49:16,055
I do appreciate that
in spite of your denials,
1516
01:49:16,055 --> 01:49:18,557
you've been captivated by
the spirit of games-playing...
1517
01:49:19,057 --> 01:49:21,560
and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost.
1518
01:49:21,560 --> 01:49:25,564
But frankly, you are trying too hard...
1519
01:49:25,564 --> 01:49:28,566
to be a big boy too soon.
1520
01:49:37,075 --> 01:49:40,078
Hello-- hello, Joyce ?
1521
01:49:40,078 --> 01:49:42,080
It's Andrew.
1522
01:49:42,080 --> 01:49:44,582
Can I speak to Tea ?
1523
01:49:47,587 --> 01:49:49,587
She-- what ?
1524
01:49:51,957 --> 01:49:53,959
Been strangled--
1525
01:49:55,962 --> 01:49:58,964
Well, where was this ?
1526
01:49:58,964 --> 01:50:00,966
When-when was it ?
1527
01:50:00,966 --> 01:50:03,468
Where was she found ?
1528
01:50:03,468 --> 01:50:05,470
What ?
1529
01:50:05,470 --> 01:50:07,973
Uh, Joyce, uh,
1530
01:50:07,973 --> 01:50:09,975
I can't understand what you--
1531
01:50:09,975 --> 01:50:11,977
Do try to control your--
1532
01:50:13,479 --> 01:50:15,981
What ?
1533
01:50:15,981 --> 01:50:18,484
The Police...
1534
01:50:18,484 --> 01:50:20,484
asked--
1535
01:50:21,486 --> 01:50:24,990
Oh, my... God.
1536
01:50:29,995 --> 01:50:32,997
You should've believed me.
1537
01:50:32,997 --> 01:50:35,499
Now, we're gonna play the game.
1538
01:50:35,499 --> 01:50:40,006
In a little over 30 minutes,
the law will arrive.
1539
01:50:40,006 --> 01:50:42,506
It's going to be your giant brain...
1540
01:50:42,506 --> 01:50:44,510
against their plodding ones.
1541
01:50:45,011 --> 01:50:48,013
Concealed about this room...
1542
01:50:48,013 --> 01:50:51,015
are four clues incriminating you...
1543
01:50:51,015 --> 01:50:53,519
as Tea's murderer,
1544
01:50:53,519 --> 01:50:57,522
including, as a final expression of
your contempt for the Police,
1545
01:50:58,024 --> 01:50:59,524
the murder weapon itself.
1546
01:51:01,026 --> 01:51:02,528
Now, are you ready ?
1547
01:51:05,529 --> 01:51:08,033
You can't make a game out of real murder.
1548
01:51:08,033 --> 01:51:10,535
We'll see.
1549
01:51:11,037 --> 01:51:14,538
Now, remember: four objects.
1550
01:51:14,538 --> 01:51:17,042
Those that you don't find,
be sure the Police will.
1551
01:51:17,042 --> 01:51:20,046
And they are all in plain view.
1552
01:51:20,046 --> 01:51:22,546
And the first object is...
1553
01:51:22,546 --> 01:51:25,051
a crystal bracelet.
1554
01:51:25,051 --> 01:51:27,551
- Not the one--
- Yes.
1555
01:51:28,053 --> 01:51:31,055
I tore it off her wrist.
It's, uh, it's inscribed--
1556
01:51:31,055 --> 01:51:34,560
All right, all right !
I know how it's inscribed.
1557
01:52:14,515 --> 01:52:16,017
- Would you like some help ?
- Yes, damn you !
1558
01:52:16,519 --> 01:52:19,020
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. So soon.
1559
01:52:19,020 --> 01:52:21,524
Now, where's my list ?
1560
01:52:21,524 --> 01:52:24,526
- Oh, God.
- Here it is.
1561
01:52:24,526 --> 01:52:30,031
"For any man with half an eye,
what stands before him he may spy.
1562
01:52:30,031 --> 01:52:33,033
"But optics sharp it needs, and clean,
1563
01:52:33,033 --> 01:52:35,037
to see what is not to be seen."
1564
01:52:35,037 --> 01:52:37,538
You said everything was in plain view !
1565
01:52:37,538 --> 01:52:40,542
Well, aren't I the shifty old sly boots then ?
1566
01:52:40,542 --> 01:52:43,546
You're not giving me anything for a chance,
you bastard !
1567
01:52:43,546 --> 01:52:46,046
Now, think, think, think.
1568
01:52:46,046 --> 01:52:49,551
It's in plain view yet not to be seen,
and optical tricks involved.
1569
01:52:52,053 --> 01:52:56,057
To see what is not to be
seen by the naked eye.
1570
01:52:56,057 --> 01:52:58,060
It's-it's microscopic !
1571
01:52:58,060 --> 01:53:02,064
Only a fragment of it is showing !
That's it !
1572
01:53:02,064 --> 01:53:04,566
The traditional tool of your trade, Inspector.
1573
01:53:10,573 --> 01:53:12,573
Why don't you ask yourself...
1574
01:53:12,573 --> 01:53:16,078
how your man "Merridick"
would go about the search.
1575
01:53:16,578 --> 01:53:19,582
Merridew ! St. John Lord Merridew !
1576
01:53:19,582 --> 01:53:21,582
Calm. Keep calm.
1577
01:53:21,582 --> 01:53:23,586
Now, think. What are the problems of crystal ?
1578
01:53:23,586 --> 01:53:28,089
Hard, brilliant, transparent.
1579
01:53:28,089 --> 01:53:31,593
Look through it, but you don't see it.
1580
01:53:31,593 --> 01:53:33,595
That's the trick !
1581
01:53:33,595 --> 01:53:37,098
Now, the only place to conceal
transparent things...
1582
01:53:37,098 --> 01:53:40,602
so as to make it invisible and yet
leave it in plain view...
1583
01:53:40,602 --> 01:53:44,606
is on or in another transparent thing
like-- like--
1584
01:53:54,115 --> 01:53:56,618
Clear as crystal.
1585
01:53:56,618 --> 01:53:59,622
But I-- I don't need to destroy this, do I ?
1586
01:53:59,622 --> 01:54:02,624
She could've left it here any time.
- True.
1587
01:54:02,624 --> 01:54:04,627
- Go on. What next ?
- Ah.
1588
01:54:04,627 --> 01:54:07,629
The next object is much more incriminating.
1589
01:54:07,629 --> 01:54:09,631
Here's a little riddle which I'm sure...
1590
01:54:09,631 --> 01:54:12,133
one of your nannies must have taught you.
1591
01:54:12,133 --> 01:54:15,136
Two brothers we are
great burdens we bear
1592
01:54:15,136 --> 01:54:17,640
on which we are bitterly pressed.
1593
01:54:18,140 --> 01:54:20,642
The truth is to say
we are full all the day
1594
01:54:20,642 --> 01:54:22,645
and empty when
we go to rest.
1595
01:54:22,645 --> 01:54:24,645
I know that !
I know that.
1596
01:54:25,145 --> 01:54:27,649
Uh, just a minute.
"Full all the day, empty when we go to--"
1597
01:54:27,649 --> 01:54:29,651
I know ! It's a pair of shoes !
1598
01:54:29,651 --> 01:54:33,153
In this case, one lady's left black shoe,
size six.
1599
01:54:35,658 --> 01:54:38,158
The other, I need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
1600
01:54:38,158 --> 01:54:41,162
God ! Poor Tea.
1601
01:54:45,167 --> 01:54:48,671
Poor Tea, eh ? That's better.
1602
01:54:48,671 --> 01:54:51,171
Do you know that's the first sign
of sorrow you've shown...
1603
01:54:51,171 --> 01:54:54,176
since you heard of her death ?
1604
01:54:54,176 --> 01:54:58,680
You wouldn't put it here anyway, or even
upstairs among Marguerite's shoes.
1605
01:54:58,680 --> 01:55:02,685
It's too obvious.
- Such grief is touching.
1606
01:55:02,685 --> 01:55:06,187
You really are the salt of the
earth, you know that, Andrew ?
1607
01:55:06,187 --> 01:55:09,189
By the way, that's a clue,
if you're interested.
1608
01:55:09,189 --> 01:55:12,194
"Salt of the earth" ?
Earth ? It's buried !
1609
01:55:12,194 --> 01:55:15,196
No, better the other.
Salt. Salt.
1610
01:55:15,196 --> 01:55:18,198
Salt and pepper.
saltpeter. Salt water.
1611
01:55:18,198 --> 01:55:21,703
Salt cellar. It's in the cellar !
1612
01:55:56,153 --> 01:55:58,658
You're really turned on, aren't you, Andrew ?
1613
01:56:00,658 --> 01:56:02,662
Even though the game you're playing...
1614
01:56:02,662 --> 01:56:05,162
is for your own life,
1615
01:56:05,162 --> 01:56:07,165
you're practically having it off.
1616
01:56:08,667 --> 01:56:11,671
Shoe ! Shoe. I ask myself,
1617
01:56:11,671 --> 01:56:15,173
"if I was a black shoe, where would I hide ?
1618
01:56:15,173 --> 01:56:18,176
If I was as black as your hat--
1619
01:56:18,176 --> 01:56:21,680
If I was as black as the ace of spades--
1620
01:56:21,680 --> 01:56:24,182
If I was as black as--"
- Coal !
1621
01:56:26,685 --> 01:56:28,687
That's it !
Bastard !
1622
01:56:39,698 --> 01:56:41,700
Dirty son of a bitch !
1623
01:56:45,703 --> 01:56:48,207
You're getting warmer... and blacker.
1624
01:56:49,207 --> 01:56:51,711
Must be quite a new experience for you.
1625
01:56:52,211 --> 01:56:55,212
I don't suppose "blacks" play much of
a part in the books you write, do they ?
1626
01:56:55,212 --> 01:56:58,716
Except for the odd, eyeball-rolling darkie...
1627
01:56:58,716 --> 01:57:03,721
to take his place alongside the
swarthy yid, the oily lebantine,
1628
01:57:03,721 --> 01:57:05,725
and others.
1629
01:57:21,406 --> 01:57:23,408
Oh, I'm sorry it's so messy.
1630
01:57:23,408 --> 01:57:27,412
It's only earth...
from Tea's first grave in your garden.
1631
01:57:34,919 --> 01:57:37,921
Not so bad. We're up on the clock, I think.
- Barely.
1632
01:57:37,921 --> 01:57:41,926
Well, what's next ?
1633
01:57:41,926 --> 01:57:45,430
What do you find so damned amusing ?
1634
01:57:45,430 --> 01:57:47,432
What the hell are you laughing at ?
1635
01:57:49,935 --> 01:57:53,439
- You sure you're all right ?
- Yes, I'm all right, Jack.
1636
01:57:53,439 --> 01:57:56,441
Jack ?
You simple minded twit !
1637
01:57:56,441 --> 01:57:58,444
You've been handing me the clue all along !
1638
01:57:58,444 --> 01:58:00,944
It's Jolly Jack Tar !
It's on the sailor !
1639
01:58:00,944 --> 01:58:04,448
True !
That's where it is.
1640
01:58:04,448 --> 01:58:06,952
But this time,
1641
01:58:06,952 --> 01:58:10,455
I am not going to tell you...
what it is.
1642
01:58:10,455 --> 01:58:12,457
All right !
1643
01:58:59,504 --> 01:59:02,006
He looks disappointed in you.
1644
01:59:02,006 --> 01:59:04,510
But then, it's no laughing matter.
1645
01:59:05,010 --> 01:59:06,511
Or is it ?
1646
01:59:09,515 --> 01:59:12,015
Do that again.
1647
01:59:15,520 --> 01:59:18,524
My God, he's never winked at me before !
1648
01:59:34,538 --> 01:59:38,042
I suppose the other lash is
on one of poor Tea's eyes.
1649
01:59:38,042 --> 01:59:41,046
She won't miss it. They're both closed.
1650
01:59:43,548 --> 01:59:45,551
How much more time ?
1651
01:59:45,551 --> 01:59:49,555
You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, I'd say.
1652
01:59:49,555 --> 01:59:52,055
There's one more thing left,
I think-- the murder weapon.
1653
01:59:52,557 --> 01:59:55,560
You strangled her over there with what ?
Rope ? A belt ?
1654
01:59:55,560 --> 01:59:59,064
A scarf ?
- It bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
1655
02:00:00,564 --> 02:00:02,566
I had to pry it loose.
1656
02:00:02,566 --> 02:00:06,571
You'll pay for that, I promise,
you sadistic, bloody wop !
1657
02:00:06,571 --> 02:00:09,573
I hope I didn't hear that correctly.
1658
02:00:13,578 --> 02:00:16,582
You're certain to need more help.
1659
02:00:16,582 --> 02:00:20,084
I'd hate to have to start giving
you difficult italian clues...
1660
02:00:20,084 --> 02:00:22,587
full of treachery and double meaning.
1661
02:00:22,587 --> 02:00:24,589
All right.
All right !
1662
02:00:26,591 --> 02:00:29,595
As several wops have remarked
from time to time,
1663
02:00:29,595 --> 02:00:32,095
non e oro tutto che scintilla.
1664
02:00:32,095 --> 02:00:34,600
Is that a clue ?
1665
02:00:34,600 --> 02:00:37,100
Say the damn thing again, then.
1666
02:00:37,100 --> 02:00:39,104
Non e oro tutto che scintilla.
1667
02:00:39,604 --> 02:00:41,104
No. Once more, please.
1668
02:00:41,606 --> 02:00:47,111
Non e oro tutto che scintilla.
1669
02:00:49,613 --> 02:00:51,616
Que hora ?
What's the time ?
1670
02:00:52,116 --> 02:00:54,118
No, uh--
1671
02:00:54,118 --> 02:00:56,622
Oro. Oro.
1672
02:00:57,122 --> 02:00:58,622
Gold ! Gold !
1673
02:00:58,622 --> 02:01:01,627
Oro tutto.
All gold.
1674
02:01:01,627 --> 02:01:06,131
Uh, scintilla. Scintilla.
Scintillare.
1675
02:01:06,131 --> 02:01:08,633
Uh, gold scintillates--
1676
02:01:08,633 --> 02:01:10,636
g-g-glitters--
1677
02:01:11,136 --> 02:01:13,136
All that glisters is not gold !
1678
02:01:13,136 --> 02:01:15,140
There will always be an England.
1679
02:01:15,140 --> 02:01:18,142
You strangled her with something
golden and scintillating.
1680
02:01:21,145 --> 02:01:24,649
What-- what's that ?
A musical clue. Right.
1681
02:01:24,649 --> 02:01:27,151
Now, um, golden, uh--
Golden notes.
Golden scale.
1682
02:01:27,653 --> 02:01:29,153
Golden-- golden chord.
1683
02:01:29,653 --> 02:01:32,156
It's a chord ! You strangled
her with a golden cord !
1684
02:01:32,156 --> 02:01:37,662
And like everybody does, you
hid it behind the bell pull !
No, damn it, you didn't.
1685
02:01:42,667 --> 02:01:45,169
"Anything goes !"
In olden days--
1686
02:01:45,169 --> 02:01:47,671
In olden days
a glimpse of stocking
1687
02:01:48,171 --> 02:01:50,676
was looked on
as something shocking--
Stocking !
1688
02:01:50,676 --> 02:01:52,676
Where would you put stockings ?
1689
02:01:52,676 --> 02:01:54,680
Up the-- on legs.
1690
02:01:54,680 --> 02:01:56,680
Legs-- the golden legs !
1691
02:01:58,682 --> 02:02:01,685
There's not a golden leg in the blasted house.
1692
02:02:01,685 --> 02:02:04,689
It-- is it in this room ?
1693
02:02:04,689 --> 02:02:07,191
Non capisco.
1694
02:02:07,191 --> 02:02:10,194
Oh !
1695
02:02:10,194 --> 02:02:12,196
Bastard !
1696
02:02:14,698 --> 02:02:18,203
In olden days
a glimpse of stocking
1697
02:02:18,203 --> 02:02:20,705
was looked on
as something shocking
1698
02:02:20,705 --> 02:02:22,707
Now, heaven knows
1699
02:02:22,707 --> 02:02:25,209
anything goes
1700
02:02:25,209 --> 02:02:28,212
The world has gone mad today
1701
02:02:28,212 --> 02:02:31,216
and good's--
1702
02:02:40,725 --> 02:02:42,727
I-I think I can hear something.
1703
02:02:51,234 --> 02:02:54,238
Andrew ? Andrew !
1704
02:02:54,238 --> 02:02:58,243
- What ?
- They're here. The Police are here.
1705
02:03:01,747 --> 02:03:04,749
It looks like you've had it.
They're coming up the drive.
1706
02:03:04,749 --> 02:03:07,752
- Keep them out !
- Keep the Police out ?
1707
02:03:07,752 --> 02:03:12,756
It's just not done, old boy.
But still, I'll try.
1708
02:03:12,756 --> 02:03:15,761
Just one more minute !
1709
02:03:15,761 --> 02:03:18,763
Stall them somehow ! Please ?
1710
02:03:19,263 --> 02:03:20,765
Remember:
1711
02:03:21,265 --> 02:03:22,767
"In olden days,
1712
02:03:23,267 --> 02:03:27,270
a glimpse of stocking."
1713
02:03:28,774 --> 02:03:30,774
Mr. Tindle.
1714
02:03:30,774 --> 02:03:33,278
- Olden days.
- I wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
1715
02:03:33,278 --> 02:03:35,278
- Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
- A glimpse--
1716
02:03:35,779 --> 02:03:37,783
In olden days.
1717
02:03:37,783 --> 02:03:40,283
Before tights, what ? Nylon.
1718
02:03:40,283 --> 02:03:42,287
Before nylon, what ?
1719
02:03:42,787 --> 02:03:44,788
Silk.
1720
02:03:44,788 --> 02:03:48,792
Then what else ?
What... else ?
1721
02:03:56,301 --> 02:03:57,801
Clock.
1722
02:04:01,805 --> 02:04:06,810
Stockings had clocks.
1723
02:04:06,810 --> 02:04:08,814
In olden days.
1724
02:04:18,823 --> 02:04:20,825
A glimpse.
1725
02:04:23,828 --> 02:04:26,832
Now you see it, now you don't.
1726
02:05:31,562 --> 02:05:34,064
Why don't I have a go at it ?
1727
02:05:47,578 --> 02:05:49,580
Just let me tell him you're here.
1728
02:05:54,586 --> 02:05:56,587
- Andrew.
- Hmm ?
1729
02:05:56,587 --> 02:06:00,091
Is it all right if I introduce Detective
Sergeant Tarrant and Constable Higgs ?
1730
02:06:00,091 --> 02:06:04,595
Oh, yes, of course !
1731
02:06:04,595 --> 02:06:08,100
Come in, gentlemen.
come in. Do.
1732
02:06:08,100 --> 02:06:11,101
I'm--
1733
02:06:15,105 --> 02:06:17,609
Or should I say,
1734
02:06:17,609 --> 02:06:22,613
Inspector Plodder and Constable Freshface.
1735
02:06:26,618 --> 02:06:31,122
Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
1736
02:06:31,122 --> 02:06:35,127
That's all right, sir.
Better to be safe than sorry.
That's what I always say, sir.
1737
02:06:36,627 --> 02:06:39,631
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, sir.
1738
02:06:41,132 --> 02:06:44,636
Good night, Constable.
1739
02:06:44,636 --> 02:06:46,637
Good night, sir.
1740
02:07:07,158 --> 02:07:11,163
First, I suppose you'll
want to know about Tea.
1741
02:07:11,163 --> 02:07:15,667
She did call yesterday while I was
setting up the Doppler scene,
1742
02:07:15,667 --> 02:07:18,668
and I told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun.
1743
02:07:18,668 --> 02:07:20,671
She wasn't a bit surprised.
1744
02:07:20,671 --> 02:07:23,673
She knows only too well the kind
of games you like to play--
1745
02:07:23,673 --> 02:07:27,177
the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
1746
02:07:29,180 --> 02:07:31,181
I explained to her that...
1747
02:07:31,181 --> 02:07:34,185
I wanted to play a game and get even with you,
1748
02:07:34,185 --> 02:07:37,189
and I asked her to lend me a stocking, a shoe,
1749
02:07:37,189 --> 02:07:41,691
a false eyelash, and that bracelet...
1750
02:07:41,691 --> 02:07:43,694
that you bought her.
1751
02:07:44,195 --> 02:07:47,198
And she was happy to help,
1752
02:07:47,198 --> 02:07:49,199
and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
1753
02:07:54,204 --> 02:07:56,707
Would you like to phone Tea ?
1754
02:07:58,208 --> 02:08:00,212
She'll talk to you now.
1755
02:08:04,216 --> 02:08:07,717
But then, you wouldn't have very
much to say to her, would you ?
1756
02:08:09,721 --> 02:08:12,222
She's not really your mistress, is she ?
1757
02:08:15,226 --> 02:08:17,229
She told me...
1758
02:08:17,229 --> 02:08:19,730
that you and her haven't made it together...
1759
02:08:19,730 --> 02:08:21,731
for over a year.
1760
02:08:22,734 --> 02:08:24,735
She also told me...
1761
02:08:25,235 --> 02:08:29,239
that you are practically impotent.
1762
02:08:29,239 --> 02:08:31,243
Not at all, in fact,
1763
02:08:31,743 --> 02:08:33,744
the selector's choice for the next Olympics.
1764
02:08:35,247 --> 02:08:37,248
I warned you, Andrew.
1765
02:08:39,249 --> 02:08:41,252
I don't play games for the sport !
1766
02:08:43,253 --> 02:08:45,256
Particularly not...
1767
02:08:45,756 --> 02:08:47,757
games of humiliation.
1768
02:08:50,261 --> 02:08:52,762
I know too much about that.
1769
02:09:01,271 --> 02:09:03,274
Where are you going ?
1770
02:09:04,775 --> 02:09:06,278
I'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
1771
02:09:08,279 --> 02:09:10,280
She's not coming back ?
1772
02:09:10,280 --> 02:09:12,283
No.
1773
02:09:20,292 --> 02:09:22,793
I live...
1774
02:09:22,793 --> 02:09:24,796
as I want to live.
1775
02:09:24,796 --> 02:09:28,298
You know, I've been thinking of
that writer you told me about,
1776
02:09:28,798 --> 02:09:30,801
and it is my opinion...
1777
02:09:31,302 --> 02:09:34,805
that your detective stories
are the normal recreation...
1778
02:09:34,805 --> 02:09:37,307
of snobbish, outdated,
1779
02:09:37,307 --> 02:09:40,311
life-hating, ignoble minds.
1780
02:09:41,311 --> 02:09:43,314
I'll get that fur coat now.
1781
02:10:00,332 --> 02:10:03,333
You'll see.
1782
02:10:03,333 --> 02:10:05,337
You'll see.
1783
02:10:08,338 --> 02:10:09,841
Inspector,
1784
02:10:11,342 --> 02:10:14,346
I was working in my study...
1785
02:10:14,346 --> 02:10:16,347
when I heard a noise in here.
1786
02:10:18,350 --> 02:10:22,854
So I took my revolver...
1787
02:10:22,854 --> 02:10:25,355
and I came in here...
1788
02:10:25,355 --> 02:10:27,359
to investigate.
1789
02:10:28,859 --> 02:10:31,863
Here was this young man...
1790
02:10:31,863 --> 02:10:34,864
running down the stairs...
1791
02:10:34,864 --> 02:10:39,369
with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
1792
02:10:39,869 --> 02:10:42,373
I shouted for him to stop,
1793
02:10:42,373 --> 02:10:45,377
but he wouldn't pay any attention,
1794
02:10:45,377 --> 02:10:48,878
but ran on towards the door,
1795
02:10:48,878 --> 02:10:51,882
hoping to make his escape.
1796
02:10:51,882 --> 02:10:55,886
Naturally, I fired.
1797
02:10:56,887 --> 02:10:59,890
I aimed low.
1798
02:10:59,890 --> 02:11:02,394
Believe me, Inspector, I did.
1799
02:11:02,394 --> 02:11:05,896
The most appalling thing happened.
1800
02:11:07,314 --> 02:11:09,816
I shot him dead.
1801
02:11:14,320 --> 02:11:16,323
That's all right, sir.
1802
02:11:16,323 --> 02:11:18,324
Don't distress yourself unduly.
1803
02:11:18,827 --> 02:11:21,328
A thing like that could happen to anyone.
1804
02:11:36,342 --> 02:11:38,346
I can't let you go now.
1805
02:11:39,847 --> 02:11:42,850
What do you mean ?
1806
02:11:42,850 --> 02:11:46,354
Going about... Telling everyone,
1807
02:11:46,354 --> 02:11:48,355
it's just not possible.
1808
02:11:48,355 --> 02:11:52,359
Who--whom would I tell ?
1809
02:11:52,860 --> 02:11:54,360
Who'd be interested ?
1810
02:11:54,863 --> 02:11:59,365
One person would be too many, even Marguerite.
Especially Marguerite.
1811
02:11:59,365 --> 02:12:01,784
What are you gonna do then, Andrew ?
1812
02:12:01,784 --> 02:12:05,289
Shoot me down ?
Play that old burglar game again ?
1813
02:12:05,289 --> 02:12:08,292
- That's right.
- It wouldn't work now.
1814
02:12:08,292 --> 02:12:12,296
No. Why not, I wonder ?
1815
02:12:12,296 --> 02:12:16,301
Because of what really happened
after I left here last friday night.
1816
02:12:16,801 --> 02:12:20,805
Oh. What really happened ?
1817
02:12:20,805 --> 02:12:23,306
I did lurch home...
1818
02:12:23,306 --> 02:12:28,311
dazed, dirty and humiliated.
1819
02:12:28,311 --> 02:12:30,814
And I sat up all night.
1820
02:12:32,815 --> 02:12:37,820
And in the morning, I went
to the Police station...
1821
02:12:37,820 --> 02:12:40,824
and I told them what you'd done to me.
1822
02:12:40,824 --> 02:12:42,827
And one of them, Detective Sergeant Tarrant--
1823
02:12:42,827 --> 02:12:46,329
Oh, yes, he's real--
1824
02:12:46,329 --> 02:12:50,833
he took me into a little room
and we had a long chat,
1825
02:12:50,833 --> 02:12:53,337
but I don't think he paid very much attention...
1826
02:12:53,337 --> 02:12:55,838
to anything I said.
1827
02:12:56,841 --> 02:12:59,842
So I thought to myself,
1828
02:12:59,842 --> 02:13:01,846
"he's not gonna do anything
about this."
1829
02:13:01,846 --> 02:13:04,847
No. Why not ?
1830
02:13:06,850 --> 02:13:09,854
You know the answer to that
just as well as I do.
1831
02:13:09,854 --> 02:13:13,856
In his eyes, I'm just some common little git...
1832
02:13:13,856 --> 02:13:16,860
who's been screwing the wife of a
local nob and got what he deserved.
1833
02:13:16,860 --> 02:13:20,364
So perhaps the Police won't
come by as I said they would.
1834
02:13:20,364 --> 02:13:24,868
But even if they don't, they'd never
believe that burglar story of yours.
1835
02:13:24,868 --> 02:13:27,872
Not now.
1836
02:13:27,872 --> 02:13:30,873
So, you see, you've lost.
1837
02:13:32,877 --> 02:13:36,881
You can't fool me anymore, Milo.
1838
02:13:36,881 --> 02:13:39,382
I haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
1839
02:13:39,382 --> 02:13:41,886
It's the truth.
1840
02:13:43,887 --> 02:13:47,391
- Liar.
- Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
1841
02:13:49,394 --> 02:13:51,895
You come here and announce your intention...
1842
02:13:52,396 --> 02:13:54,899
to steal away my wife,
1843
02:13:54,899 --> 02:13:57,400
you pry into my manhood,
1844
02:13:58,403 --> 02:14:04,408
you lecture me on ignoble minds,
1845
02:14:04,408 --> 02:14:08,913
and you mock the creation of my life,
1846
02:14:08,913 --> 02:14:12,417
St. John Lord Merridew.
1847
02:14:16,921 --> 02:14:18,922
Well...
1848
02:14:18,922 --> 02:14:20,923
They're all real bullets this time.
1849
02:14:24,927 --> 02:14:26,430
The game's over, Andrew.
1850
02:14:28,931 --> 02:14:32,436
I'm going home now.
1851
02:14:46,449 --> 02:14:50,454
Milo, you do see...
1852
02:14:50,454 --> 02:14:53,457
I'm not really a very good games player.
1853
02:14:53,457 --> 02:14:55,958
I mean to say,
1854
02:14:56,461 --> 02:15:00,463
never play the same game three times running.
1855
02:16:23,547 --> 02:16:26,551
Andrew...
1856
02:16:28,051 --> 02:16:31,055
Don't forget:
1857
02:16:31,055 --> 02:16:33,557
be sure and tell them...
1858
02:16:35,558 --> 02:16:39,061
it was just...
a bloody game.