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[# It's The Most Wonderful Time
Of The Year: Andy Williams]
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[screams]
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My firm's done a tremendous
amount of market research.
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We've discovered two things:
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One, most Americans feel
that Christmas is a time for family.
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Two, most Americans feel that in order
to stand being around their family,
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for even one or two days,
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they need to swill as much
alcohol as humanly possible.
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Now, I'd like you
to meet the Noggertons.
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They're a classic American family.
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They're together on Christmas,
they're fat-free,
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and 1 0 percent alcohol
by volume.
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Enjoy our family, so you can
enjoy your family.
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What do you think?
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So, you're suggesting we tell people
the only way to get through the holidays
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is to drink spiked egg nog?
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I'm suggesting the only way
to get through the holidays
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is to buy your farm-fresh, fat-free,
pre-spiked egg nog in a bottle.
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- Take care. All right.
- It's all good. How do you do it?
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I'm very excited.
I look forward to it.
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It went pretty well, huh?
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I'm a genius.
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I feel like I could sell
whale steaks to Greenpeace.
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Nice image.
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- Here are your tickets to Fiji.
- Ah.
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[Drew] Missy, we've been
dating a while.
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Let's take our relationship
to the next level.
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[Missy] I've hoped you would say that.
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[Drew] I got you a little
pre-Christmas Christmas gift.
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[Missy] Yeah?
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I want you to open it now
because it involves our future.
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The future of you and me together.
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It's kind of for both of us,
in that way.
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[gasps]
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[breathless] Okay.
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Tickets to Fiji?
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Yes. First class.
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Drew, on Christmas?
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Christmas is the family holiday.
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I mean, what are we doing? What is this?
I mean, what is going on?
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Where is this relationship headed?
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Fiji. First class.
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- Missy?
- Uh-uh. Okay.
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Here's an example
of one of our problems.
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You never introduced me to your family.
You never mentioned your family.
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Do you even have a family?
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How can you be serious about me,
if you're not serious about your family?
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You need to get some
serious help, Drew.
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I think you're missing the point.
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If I told you everything about me,
there'd be no more sense of mystery.
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Nothing left to discover.
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With nothing left to discover,
a relationship dies.
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You don't want this to die, do you?
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It just did.
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Come on. Don't be like that.
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You're gonna be like that?
Go ahead. Go.
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I'm going to spend Christmas
with my family.
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You can spend Christmas alone.
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[Drew] Missy.
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Kathryn, I need you to get
a Cartier bracelet to send to Missy.
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Something expensive,
a lot of diamonds, very flashy.
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- lnclude a personal note from me.
- What exactly do you want it to say?
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Something personal that shows
the depth of my feelings, my emotions.
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- You're good. That's why I hired you.
- Okay, but it's not gonna work.
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My man.
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Oh, Dougie!
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Doogan. Doog-ray.
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Douglas.
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It's Drew.
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Drew Latham.
[chuckles]
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Yeah. What's up, man?
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What are you up?
Ah, nothin', nothin'.
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Hey, man,
what're you doing for Christmas?
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Family? Nice. Nice call.
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Uh, you got room for one more?
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Well, I think we are that close.
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I love Jewish Christ...
I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.
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It'll be great,
a matzo ball soup and baklava.
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All right, well, that's Greek.
Fine, whatever. I'm just...
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You still there?
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I know you have a baby.
I'm just saying, like, you know,
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they just lie there
and crap themselves, right?
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After a while,
how interesting is that?
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No, I'm not saying anything bad.
I'm just sayin'...
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Huh?
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Well, maybe, your wife
doesn't have to come, man.
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Maybe it's me and you
for Christmas.
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You ever think about that?
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Would you mind if I came by
to your house and spent Christmas?
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It's like one or two, three days, tops.
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[pen scratching]
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[sighs] All right.
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Merry Christmas.
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[jet engines roaring]
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[man] Okay, right over here.
Everybody stay together.
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All real good.
Okay, you've got Tu-Tu...
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[Drew] Doctor Freeman!
Thank God, I found you.
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[Freeman] Sir, sir...
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I gotta spend Christmas alone.
I'm having a panic attack.
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- You gotta help me. Please!
- Who are you? I don't know you.
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I'm the boyfriend
of one of your patients.
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- You are?
- Missy Vangilder.
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[laughing] You're Drew.
You're Drew. Oh, God.
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- What does that mean?
- I'm not allowed to say.
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- How did you find me?
- I bribed a woman at your service.
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She should raise her standards
or you gotta fire her.
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She totally caved for 200 bucks.
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- Whatever.
- I need a few minutes.
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[Freeman] Backpacks on the belt.
Game Boy too.
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You gotta help me out.
I don't wanna spend Christmas alone.
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If you would just please!
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She's gotta put
the bear on the belt.
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Can't she walk it through?
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She's got to put it on the belt.
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- It's a puppy!
- I know it's a puppy.
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Put Tu-Tu on
and she'll go for a ride.
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- My Tu-Tu!
- I need one second.
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If you could just please!
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- Okay, gimme the puppy.
- Sir, I need you to step here.
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- [Drew] You're abusing your child.
- Can you see I've got my own problems?
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- Whoa, whoa, now.
- I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
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Okay. Okay.
Hey, I know.
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- Heard it on the radio once.
- All right.
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Write down your grievances
about your family on paper.
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- All your grievances.
- Right.
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Go someplace that reminds you
of your childhood,
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at sunset and light
that piece of paper on fire.
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As the last shred of paper
is burning away, you whisper,
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"l forgive you."
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- "l forgive you."
- Mm-hm.
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- And it burns up.
- That's it.
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I like it.
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- Oh, thanks so much!
- Whoa! All right.
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- Have a good vaca.
- Where's my daughter?
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- [beeping]
- Sir?
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Huh? Oh, there she is.
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Whoa! Hey! Come on out!
Come out for Daddy!
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My grievances.
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Okay, buddy, here we go.
That'll be $72.50.
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My God!
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That's it!
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That's the house I grew up in.
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How's the $72.50 comin'?
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Good. It's comin' good.
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Keep the meter running.
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- [Tom] Almost out of salami.
- [Christine] No.
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Well, thank you for telling me.
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- I don't wanna run out, that's all.
- God forbid.
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- Did Brian eat?
- I don't know.
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[shouting] Get down here
and eat your dinner.
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- I'm not hungry!
- [Tom] Yeah, you are!
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[Christine] Stop yelling at me.
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[Tom] I'm not yelling at you.
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Brian!
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[shouting] Brian!
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Get down here please, so your father
can stop not yelling at me!
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I'm busy!
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We shouldn't have put
the computer in his room.
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He's gonna spend
all his time there.
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Oh, Tom.
Welcome to the future, dear.
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He's advancing his skills.
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One day that computer's
gonna get our baby a good job.
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[beeping]
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[music plays, woman's voice]
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Trust me. What he's doin',
nobody's gonna pay for,
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'cause if they did,
I'd have retired at 1 7.
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- [Tom] What?
- There's a guy out there.
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Who the hell is that?
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[Drew] All right. Alone on Christmas.
I can do this.
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[sighs] I rid myself
of all my grievances.
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Be gone, grievances.
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What the...
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I forgive you.
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Holy Moly. This joker.
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[tires screeching]
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What are the neighbors gonna think?
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Unless they want to get hit, they
shouldn't be burning crap in my yard.
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Is he still breathing?
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Dear God, Tom.
You've killed the man.
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00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,598
Oh, shit! He's still alive!
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[groaning] Hello.
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00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,272
[whimpers]
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00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:14,250
My name is Drew Latham.
[chuckles]
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00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,089
I grew up in this house.
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That's why you came back and
tried to burn it down, Pyroboy?
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00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,486
- Brian, call the cops.
- Oh, no, no, no!
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00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:27,191
That won't be necessary. That's fine.
I was just outside burning,
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00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,824
someone told me to burn
a list of my grievances
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00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:33,393
outside of the home of my birth
to help me with loneliness issues.
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00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:35,871
- So, it's all fine.
- Oh.
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00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:39,934
Any-hoo, apologies
and I'm gonna go.
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00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:43,378
Would you mind terribly
if I took a look-see around the house?
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00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:45,882
- I'll give you a tour.
- [Drew] Oh, thank you.
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00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:48,385
Hold on.
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00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:51,149
- You got any more matches?
- No. No, no, no.
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00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,656
Are we done with all that?
197
00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:54,123
Yes. The burning. Yes.
198
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,786
It's completely done.
I'm actually better.
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00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,261
I'm watching you.
200
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:04,666
Wow. I can't believe it!
201
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:07,398
This is amazing!
It's exactly how I remember it.
202
00:15:07,506 --> 00:15:11,875
- You mean it was always a shithole?
- No. No, it's great.
203
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,511
[squeak]
204
00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:22,485
- Did you hear that?
- [squeaking]
205
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,886
That stair squeaked.
206
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:27,652
Do you know what we
used to call that squeaky stair?
207
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,820
"The squeaky stair."
[laughing]
208
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:34,127
- [squeaking]
- [laughing]
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00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:46,272
Wow. My old room.
210
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:47,777
My God.
211
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,077
Hey, look at that!
I can touch the ceiling.
212
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,550
It's much smaller than I remember it.
Did you do something?
213
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:57,349
Yeah. We had it reduced.
214
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:00,914
Cost a lot, but yeah,
I think it was...
215
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:02,459
I think it was worth it.
216
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:04,756
Man, this is great.
Man, this is the best.
217
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:08,299
You guys sittin' around
eatin' dinner like a family.
218
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,335
I always wanted that.
This is really wonderful.
219
00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:14,233
[Brian] Wonderful.
220
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:16,467
So, what's for dessert?
221
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:19,203
- Kitchen's closed.
- Aw.
222
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,302
- Yeah, I got things to do.
- Ah, boy.
223
00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:23,779
Tom, why don't you
see the man out?
224
00:16:23,882 --> 00:16:26,476
I didn't want to let him in.
I'll call you a cab.
225
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:28,519
Is that necessary?
226
00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:29,882
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
227
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,514
But you know, man,
I gotta tell ya,
228
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:35,149
all these years I've been
avoiding Christmas,
229
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:39,458
and I just realized,
this is what I've been longing for.
230
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:42,830
A real family, you know?
In a true home.
231
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,563
That's why I'm thinking
232
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,572
it might be a good idea
if I lived with you.
233
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,801
- [Drew grunts]
- [door slams]
234
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,671
[Drew knocking] Tom! Tom!
235
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,445
Tom, please!
Please let me stay here!
236
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:30,515
No.
237
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:33,517
- I'll pay you.
- My family's not for sale, pal.
238
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,315
Tom, I'll pay you $250,000.
239
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:39,615
Welcome home, son.
240
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,193
[splashing]
241
00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:43,818
Mom.
242
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:51,531
Tom, that guy is still here.
243
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:54,401
- Yeah, I know.
- Why is he still here?
244
00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:59,803
He's givin' us $250,000
to be his family for Christmas.
245
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,143
And you agreed to this?
Without asking me?
246
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,877
Of course I did.
He's giving us $250,000.
247
00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:10,045
How would you like it if l
agreed to this without asking you?
248
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:13,124
Well, that would depend.
Would we be getting $250,000?
249
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,955
Okay. What exactly
did you agree to?
250
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,262
[sighs]
251
00:18:30,342 --> 00:18:32,207
It's a big day for this family.
252
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,142
- Very well.
- All right.
253
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:38,114
Mr. Latham agrees
to pay the sum of $250,000
254
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:43,746
to the Valcos for services rendered
until 1 1 :59 pm on Christmas Day.
255
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,620
And for said sum, the Valco family
256
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:50,024
will aid Mr. Latham in recapturing
257
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:53,189
those childhood Christmas memories,
258
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,960
- including, but not limited to,
- [sighs]
259
00:18:56,068 --> 00:19:00,664
all due festiveness, celebrations,
various and sundry merriments,
260
00:19:00,772 --> 00:19:02,865
and yuletide glee.
261
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,034
Agreed!
262
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,044
Agreed, right?
263
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,376
Fakin' it anyway.
Might as well get paid.
264
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,244
Will there be anything else?
265
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,545
Oh, yeah. I gotta sleep
in Brian's room.
266
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,644
What? No.
Where is this going here?
267
00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:19,952
Like it says in the contract.
I get to sleep in my old room.
268
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:23,960
Oh, come on. Creepy grievance guy
wants to sleep in my room?
269
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,930
If I wanted that, I'd use a bus ticket
those guys send me on the lnternet.
270
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,968
I just wanna sleep in my room,
like it says in the contract.
271
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,162
Brian, you're in the guest room.
272
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:37,333
My computer's not in the guest room.
How am I supposed to... study?
273
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:39,307
Use your imagination.
274
00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:42,107
Well, I'm gonna
catch some shut-eye.
275
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:46,275
Who wants to go Christmas tree
shopping with me in the morning?
276
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,646
Apparently, you all do.
277
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:51,857
[birds chirping]
278
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,018
[birds chirping]
279
00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:59,761
[yawns]
280
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:14,041
I'm home.
281
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,056
Oh!
282
00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:32,153
[Christine] Brian? Brian!
283
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:34,095
[Brian] I didn't do it.
284
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:35,393
[Drew] It's all right.
285
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,334
[chuckling] I'll fix it.
I'll fix it. Ow.
286
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:49,079
[Tom] Well, that should do it,
assuming no other idiot...
287
00:20:55,787 --> 00:20:57,152
Is he eatin' my salami?
288
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,383
That's what it looks like.
289
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:05,627
- It's 9:00 in the mornin'.
- Oh, I know. It's not breakfast food,
290
00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:08,063
but it was lookin' good.
I had to dog some.
291
00:21:08,166 --> 00:21:10,726
Yeah, it is good.
292
00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:13,964
- Is that the last of it?
- Yep.
293
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:29,043
Oh. You didn't want some, did ya?
294
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:31,816
No. It's all right.
It's fine, it's fine.
295
00:21:31,923 --> 00:21:33,413
Ah.
296
00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:38,394
[Drew] Kathryn, I hope
you're checking messages.
297
00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:41,159
Should anyone need to reach me,
they can call my cell.
298
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:42,790
If you need to send anything,
299
00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:47,463
the address is 2 Edgewood Road
in Lincoln Wood, lllinois.
300
00:21:47,572 --> 00:21:49,506
Stayin' with my family.
301
00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:51,902
Hey, Dad?
302
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,145
He's talkin' to you, genius.
303
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:00,517
Yeah, Drew?
304
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:06,113
Would you do me a kindness?
Put this hat on.
305
00:22:06,224 --> 00:22:09,455
My dad used to wear a Santa hat
when we went Christmas tree shopping.
306
00:22:09,561 --> 00:22:10,585
[laughter]
307
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:12,493
- In public?
- Yeah.
308
00:22:12,597 --> 00:22:14,121
That would be no.
309
00:22:14,232 --> 00:22:17,463
And in private,
that would be no, too.
310
00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:19,196
Please wear the hat.
311
00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:22,567
No. I'm not wearing the hat.
312
00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:24,801
Tom, you gotta wear the hat.
313
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:27,310
- I'm not wearin' the hat.
- Wear the hat, Tom.
314
00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:30,176
Now get it away from me
before I shove it up your ass.
315
00:22:32,651 --> 00:22:36,212
Tom, are you familiar
with the phrase "breach of contract?"
316
00:22:40,926 --> 00:22:44,362
- Give me the hat.
- All right.
317
00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:48,797
$250,000. $250,000.
318
00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:52,028
- $250,000.
- [Brian chuckling]
319
00:22:52,137 --> 00:22:53,570
You're lookin' good, Dad.
320
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:55,435
- [Christine] Tom!
- Shut up!
321
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,371
Eyes on the road.
On the road. Dad.
322
00:22:57,476 --> 00:22:59,034
- Gimme your leg.
- [screeching]
323
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:01,076
[Drew] No.
324
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,680
Nope.
325
00:23:06,785 --> 00:23:08,480
Oh, wait a minute.
326
00:23:08,587 --> 00:23:10,487
This could be it.
This could be it.
327
00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:12,887
Yep. This is it.
This is the one.
328
00:23:12,991 --> 00:23:15,221
[Drew] You're good.
Excuse me, folks.
329
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:21,131
Dad, you wanna lift that up,
have respect for the tree? No?
330
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:23,861
It's gonna be in our house, so...
331
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:26,665
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are we going with this?
332
00:23:28,173 --> 00:23:31,233
All right. Let's get that baby up there,
hoist that up.
333
00:23:31,343 --> 00:23:33,777
- Get that on the roof.
- [Tom grunts]
334
00:23:33,879 --> 00:23:35,608
All righty.
335
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:37,616
[Drew] That's pretty good. All right!
You got it. There you go.
336
00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:39,277
[Drew] That's pretty good. All right!
You got it. There you go.
337
00:23:39,384 --> 00:23:41,249
Get around it.
Get around on it.
338
00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:42,547
[Tom straining]
339
00:23:42,654 --> 00:23:46,055
Brian, get your skinny little ass
out of the car!
340
00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:47,921
[Drew] You got it, Dad.
You got it.
341
00:23:48,026 --> 00:23:49,550
You got it.
342
00:23:49,661 --> 00:23:53,324
Nice one. All right, I think it's good.
I think it's good like that.
343
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,401
Whoo! Christmas time.
344
00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:04,909
- [Drew] How's it look?
- [Brian] It could trigger a seizure.
345
00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:07,535
I know.
Wait till you see it lit up.
346
00:24:07,646 --> 00:24:08,943
I thought it was lit up.
347
00:24:09,047 --> 00:24:10,173
Oh no, no, no.
348
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,809
We gotta sing Christmas Tree first.
Tom, you take the lead.
349
00:24:14,653 --> 00:24:17,451
- You want me to sing?
- Yeah.
350
00:24:18,557 --> 00:24:20,616
Do I have to?
351
00:24:20,725 --> 00:24:22,022
Yeah.
352
00:24:22,761 --> 00:24:25,286
Would it make any difference
if I didn't want to?
353
00:24:25,397 --> 00:24:26,489
Not really.
354
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:30,731
Come on.
355
00:24:32,771 --> 00:24:34,796
# Oh, Christmas tree #
356
00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:37,374
Christine, you wanna
help me out here a little?
357
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,444
No, you're doin' great.
358
00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:43,503
You're doin' good, Dad.
Come on. You can do it.
359
00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:50,718
[both] # Oh, Christmas tree
Oh, Christmas tree
360
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:54,258
# You stand in woodland beauty
361
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,156
# You are as green
362
00:24:56,261 --> 00:24:58,092
- # As winter snow
- # As summer snow
363
00:24:58,196 --> 00:25:00,460
- Winter snow.
- # Winter snow
364
00:25:00,565 --> 00:25:04,092
# As in summer's brightest glow
365
00:25:04,202 --> 00:25:09,435
# Oh, Christmas tree
Oh, Christmas tree
366
00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:14,706
# You stand in woodland beauty
367
00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:16,508
# Ahhh #
368
00:25:16,615 --> 00:25:17,843
That was great.
369
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,440
- [Drew] That was good.
- [Tom] That was, yeah.
370
00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:21,519
All right.
371
00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:26,421
Without further ado, let's fire it up.
Ready? One, two...
372
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,755
- [knocking]
- [groans]
373
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:31,260
All right, people.
Take five. I'll deal with this.
374
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,194
Thank Christ.
375
00:25:34,799 --> 00:25:36,164
Can I help you?
376
00:25:38,303 --> 00:25:40,794
Yeah. Who are you?
377
00:25:40,906 --> 00:25:42,533
Um, who are you?
378
00:25:42,641 --> 00:25:44,336
[Christine] Alicia!
379
00:25:44,442 --> 00:25:46,672
Hey, Mom. Hi. Who's this?
380
00:25:46,778 --> 00:25:48,973
Mom, who is this?
381
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,775
Okay, what's going on?
382
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:54,147
Dad's rented us for the holidays
to this eccentric millionaire.
383
00:25:54,252 --> 00:25:57,619
[Drew] You have a daughter?
Since when do you have a daughter?
384
00:25:57,722 --> 00:26:00,987
- It's her terrible secret.
- This is gonna ruin everything.
385
00:26:01,092 --> 00:26:03,560
- The whole bit doesn't work.
- Ruin? Know what?
386
00:26:03,662 --> 00:26:07,530
Shh. Will somebody say something
that makes some sense right now?
387
00:26:07,632 --> 00:26:09,896
Well, around Christmas,
I get anxiety...
388
00:26:10,001 --> 00:26:12,333
No, no. You stop talking. Mom?
389
00:26:12,437 --> 00:26:15,634
Drew wants a family Christmas,
so we're gonna be his family.
390
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:17,503
- That's insane.
- Tell me about it.
391
00:26:17,609 --> 00:26:20,339
I never had a sister,
so this is bullshit right here.
392
00:26:20,445 --> 00:26:22,970
Okay. You are my
illegitimate love child.
393
00:26:23,081 --> 00:26:25,447
- Mom!
- And you had no idea about her.
394
00:26:25,550 --> 00:26:27,450
That could be good.
You know what?
395
00:26:27,552 --> 00:26:29,850
- She could be the maid!
- Okay. Enough.
396
00:26:29,955 --> 00:26:31,684
Hey, my baby's home.
397
00:26:31,790 --> 00:26:33,621
- Hi, Daddy.
- How are you, Lissi?
398
00:26:33,725 --> 00:26:36,990
Hi. I'm good.
You've obviously lost your mind.
399
00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:39,620
Can I talk to you
in the dining room, please?
400
00:26:39,731 --> 00:26:40,857
You knew about this?
401
00:26:40,966 --> 00:26:43,457
- Stay away from my daughter.
- Okay, Mom?
402
00:26:43,568 --> 00:26:45,593
- This guy is obviously crazy.
- I know.
403
00:26:45,704 --> 00:26:48,002
So, I'm gonna go upstairs,
and take a bath,
404
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:51,371
and when I wake up in the morning,
he's gonna be gone, right?
405
00:26:51,476 --> 00:26:52,704
Maybe.
406
00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:55,439
I'm not gonna be a good sport
about this, Mom.
407
00:26:55,547 --> 00:26:58,015
Oh, darling, we'd never
expect you to be.
408
00:26:59,551 --> 00:27:01,109
Thanks.
409
00:27:01,219 --> 00:27:03,779
[Drew] Come on, Mom!
It's tree time!
410
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:09,754
[Drew] Okey-dokey.
411
00:27:09,861 --> 00:27:12,227
All right.
We're back on track.
412
00:27:16,401 --> 00:27:17,663
Yeah.
413
00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:20,964
Okay.
414
00:27:21,072 --> 00:27:25,236
Here we go.
One, two, three!
415
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,303
[Drew] Now it feels like Christmas.
416
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:32,883
[Brian] I can smell
my eyeballs burning.
417
00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:35,976
[Drew] Very important.
Don't look directly at the tree.
418
00:27:36,154 --> 00:27:37,712
[dog barking]
419
00:27:45,930 --> 00:27:47,261
- Brian!
- What?
420
00:27:47,365 --> 00:27:49,299
Wake up!
It's your brother, kind of!
421
00:27:49,401 --> 00:27:51,699
It's snowing outside!
It's a snow day!
422
00:27:53,071 --> 00:27:54,504
Why are you waking me up?
423
00:27:54,606 --> 00:27:56,972
I don't want you
to miss the fun, man!
424
00:27:58,410 --> 00:28:00,002
What fun?
425
00:28:00,111 --> 00:28:04,309
[Drew] Oh! Facial! Iceball!
Whoo! Ha ha!
426
00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:06,441
Look out! Oh!
427
00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:08,212
Right in the nuts!
In the nuts!
428
00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:10,287
- I can't feel my toes.
- Here he comes.
429
00:28:10,388 --> 00:28:13,482
The look of vengeance.
Eye of the tiger.
430
00:28:13,591 --> 00:28:15,456
Oh, oh.
Now he's getting furious.
431
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,391
Whoo! Whoo!
432
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:20,930
- Whoo!
- [door closing]
433
00:28:23,601 --> 00:28:26,661
- What's up, Tom?
- Brian, go inside.
434
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:30,504
See you later, Bri.
It was fun.
435
00:28:30,608 --> 00:28:32,473
You like throwing snowballs?
436
00:28:32,577 --> 00:28:34,841
I was just havin' a good time.
You know.
437
00:28:34,946 --> 00:28:37,141
Yeah. Throw one at me.
438
00:28:37,248 --> 00:28:39,512
That's cool.
Don't worry about it.
439
00:28:39,617 --> 00:28:41,141
We're kinda finished now.
440
00:28:41,252 --> 00:28:43,379
Come on.
Like you said, it'll be fun.
441
00:28:43,488 --> 00:28:46,286
It's getting a little chilly.
I don't wanna bother.
442
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:49,224
- Don't worry about it.
- Ah, come on. Throw it.
443
00:28:50,762 --> 00:28:52,992
All right, I'll throw one,
I'll throw one.
444
00:28:59,537 --> 00:29:01,402
Good one.
445
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:04,439
Now it's my turn.
446
00:29:06,878 --> 00:29:08,709
No!
447
00:29:11,883 --> 00:29:13,475
That was great.
448
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,746
Any time you wanna do that,
let me know.
449
00:29:15,854 --> 00:29:17,754
We said no iceballs, man.
450
00:29:17,856 --> 00:29:19,619
Oh, did we?
451
00:29:20,859 --> 00:29:22,292
Morning, Mom.
452
00:29:22,393 --> 00:29:24,020
Freak.
453
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:26,856
You know what?
454
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,228
We may have gotten off
on the wrong track.
455
00:29:31,336 --> 00:29:32,633
We should start over.
456
00:29:32,737 --> 00:29:34,568
- Here you go, Drew.
- Thanks, Mom.
457
00:29:34,672 --> 00:29:36,572
- Mmm.
- Problem?
458
00:29:36,674 --> 00:29:40,201
My real mom puts marshmallows
in the hot chocolate.
459
00:29:40,311 --> 00:29:43,405
Know what I was thinking?
If you don't wanna play my sister,
460
00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:46,507
maybe you could be, like,
a wonderful, mysterious
461
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:49,416
Ecuadorean cleaning lady.
You know?
462
00:29:49,521 --> 00:29:52,388
Or Swedish cleaning lady.
The ethnicity's not important.
463
00:29:52,490 --> 00:29:55,084
But cleaning lady's good.
Oh. Mmm.
464
00:29:55,193 --> 00:29:56,660
What?
465
00:29:56,761 --> 00:29:59,821
My real mom used the
mini-marshmallows. Sorry.
466
00:29:59,931 --> 00:30:04,527
Speaking of your mom, why aren't you
annoying your own family?
467
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:07,605
That's not really your business,
is it, Consuela?
468
00:30:14,412 --> 00:30:16,573
[Drew] Ho, ho, ho!
469
00:30:16,681 --> 00:30:19,912
All righty.
Welcome, everyone.
470
00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:23,382
- Here you are.
- What is this?
471
00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:26,980
These are what we
in the business call scripts, Tom.
472
00:30:27,091 --> 00:30:29,821
- Excuse me?
- You don't have to worry about it.
473
00:30:29,928 --> 00:30:31,953
Your role is what we call "small."
474
00:30:32,063 --> 00:30:35,692
Well, you're what we
in real life call "a jackass."
475
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,769
I don't know about that,
but I do know that my being here
476
00:30:38,870 --> 00:30:41,839
may have caused some awkwardness
within the family.
477
00:30:41,940 --> 00:30:44,408
- You think?
- [Drew] I do, Tom. Seriously.
478
00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:48,104
And it's even possible
that some of it could potentially be
479
00:30:48,213 --> 00:30:50,443
in some small way
partly my fault.
480
00:30:50,548 --> 00:30:52,914
Which part wasn't your fault?
481
00:30:53,017 --> 00:30:55,451
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
I'm talking. Okay?
482
00:30:55,553 --> 00:30:58,818
So what I've done is I went
ahead and wrote a sequence,
483
00:30:58,923 --> 00:31:02,051
so you guys can get a sense
of what I'm going for here.
484
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,062
And we're all gonna
read this aloud.
485
00:31:04,062 --> 00:31:04,721
And we're all gonna
read this aloud.
486
00:31:04,829 --> 00:31:08,128
- I feel like I'm insane.
- That's why you have no lines.
487
00:31:08,233 --> 00:31:10,861
- Mom, I believe you go first.
- Okay.
488
00:31:10,969 --> 00:31:12,834
"Oh, look at us.
489
00:31:12,937 --> 00:31:16,771
I sure hope you like the meal
I so lovingly prepared
490
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,809
for the people I love.
491
00:31:18,910 --> 00:31:22,209
She smiles at Tom."
Oh, she's...
492
00:31:23,081 --> 00:31:25,845
[Drew] Have you acted?
You've acted before.
493
00:31:25,950 --> 00:31:27,713
- A little theater.
- I can tell.
494
00:31:27,819 --> 00:31:31,277
- I see it. It comes out.
- You were in Pippin in high school.
495
00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:33,880
You played Wind.
496
00:31:33,992 --> 00:31:36,324
Tom, you have the next line.
497
00:31:36,427 --> 00:31:38,122
Uh...
498
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:41,630
"Say thank you to your mother
for all her hard work cooking for us."
499
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,065
"Thank you."
500
00:31:44,168 --> 00:31:46,636
"Oh, I don't work nearly
as hard as you, dear."
501
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,000
Well, that's true.
502
00:31:48,106 --> 00:31:51,132
Tom, let's stay on book, please.
Brian, go ahead.
503
00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:54,905
"Gee, Mom, I love you
like the dickens.
504
00:31:55,013 --> 00:31:56,981
Should we pray?"
505
00:31:57,081 --> 00:32:00,448
Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's
gonna give you the business?
506
00:32:00,551 --> 00:32:03,019
Oh, there you are, Consuela.
507
00:32:03,121 --> 00:32:06,750
Five waters for everyone, please.
Gracias.
508
00:32:06,858 --> 00:32:09,952
[clears throat] Brian,
you were about to say grace.
509
00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:15,497
- "Dear God..."
- Brian. We hold hands at grace.
510
00:32:18,536 --> 00:32:20,527
[Brian] "Dear God,
511
00:32:20,638 --> 00:32:22,003
thank you for this meal.
512
00:32:22,106 --> 00:32:24,131
Thank you for blessing us
with a family.
513
00:32:24,242 --> 00:32:25,869
Not everyone has a nice family.
514
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:27,638
And also we, O Lord,
515
00:32:27,745 --> 00:32:31,078
are so lucky to have Drew
in our lives."
516
00:32:31,182 --> 00:32:32,877
Amen.
517
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,515
"An emotional moment."
518
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,486
Sorry, I keep doing that.
519
00:32:38,589 --> 00:32:42,081
"Brian, if you eat it all up,
I will let you sleep with me
520
00:32:42,193 --> 00:32:45,321
Iike I never did
when you were little."
521
00:32:47,665 --> 00:32:49,963
An awkward moment.
522
00:32:50,068 --> 00:32:51,968
Skip ahead.
That doesn't work.
523
00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:54,971
- That's not supposed to be there.
- What does this mean?
524
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:57,064
"Doo-Dah enters
in his bathrobe."
525
00:32:57,175 --> 00:33:01,111
Sweet Jim Jiminy!
Cold corn in the mornin'!
526
00:33:01,212 --> 00:33:05,706
- This weather is killin' my joints.
- Brian, go get the shovel.
527
00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:09,617
[Drew] Listen to me. When Alicia came,
she totally ruined everything.
528
00:33:09,721 --> 00:33:12,155
Everything was so normal
up until that point.
529
00:33:12,256 --> 00:33:13,587
Silencio, por favor.
530
00:33:13,691 --> 00:33:16,956
So I realized what I had to do
was expand the family.
531
00:33:17,061 --> 00:33:19,825
I had to find my grandpa.
So I went and found my Doo-Dah.
532
00:33:19,931 --> 00:33:22,092
Here he is. My Doo-Dah.
533
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,863
Your Doo-Dah looks exactly like the guy
in Christmas Carol. Scrooge.
534
00:33:25,970 --> 00:33:28,234
That's right.
I do community theater.
535
00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:31,331
And this Christmas night,
I'm reprising my role as Scrooge
536
00:33:31,442 --> 00:33:34,036
in the Lincoln Wood
Theater Group's production
537
00:33:34,145 --> 00:33:36,875
of A Christmas Carol.
I hope you all can make it.
538
00:33:36,981 --> 00:33:39,506
Please stay in character, Saul, okay?
539
00:33:39,617 --> 00:33:41,380
"I'm so glad that you came here.
540
00:33:41,486 --> 00:33:44,182
You're gonna stay for
the whole Christmas holiday."
541
00:33:44,288 --> 00:33:47,348
Whoa, no, he's not.
I agreed to let you in the house,
542
00:33:47,458 --> 00:33:50,256
- not Doo-Doo over here.
- Doo-Dah.
543
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:52,693
- Nobody's talkin' to you.
- [groans] Look.
544
00:33:52,797 --> 00:33:54,560
I'll give you $25,000.
545
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:58,426
How you doin', Doo-Dah?
546
00:33:58,536 --> 00:34:00,265
You can stay in the living room.
547
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:02,669
No, Dad, I'm sleeping
in the living room.
548
00:34:02,774 --> 00:34:04,173
Not anymore.
549
00:34:04,275 --> 00:34:06,835
Where am I gonna sleep?
550
00:34:06,944 --> 00:34:08,935
[dog barking]
551
00:34:11,816 --> 00:34:14,046
Ow.
552
00:34:14,152 --> 00:34:15,983
I hate these people.
553
00:34:16,487 --> 00:34:17,755
[# The Waitresses:
Christmas Wrapping]
554
00:34:17,755 --> 00:34:18,653
[# The Waitresses:
Christmas Wrapping]
555
00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:33,502
Everybody get some presents,
get your shoppin' done,
556
00:34:33,604 --> 00:34:37,335
and then we'll meet at 4:00
at Santa's Village to take pictures.
557
00:34:37,442 --> 00:34:39,307
Kids, don't lose track of time.
558
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,640
Mom, you wanna stick
with Doo-Dah?
559
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:45,079
- Why me?
- He's your father.
560
00:34:45,183 --> 00:34:48,209
- [Doo-Dah] How come you never call?
- Tom! Tom! Tom!
561
00:34:48,319 --> 00:34:49,911
Yes, Drew?
562
00:34:50,021 --> 00:34:52,819
Aren't you forgettin' something, T-Bone?
563
00:34:54,292 --> 00:34:57,489
Here you go, Lenny.
Happy holidays to you.
564
00:34:57,595 --> 00:34:59,392
- [Lenny] You too.
- Hey, Tommy!
565
00:34:59,497 --> 00:35:01,488
[laughing] Nice hat.
566
00:35:01,599 --> 00:35:05,365
- How's the holidays?
- Considering I got a pain in my ass
567
00:35:05,470 --> 00:35:07,495
about six feet tall
in my house, all right.
568
00:35:07,605 --> 00:35:09,095
Oh, relatives, huh?
569
00:35:09,207 --> 00:35:11,198
- Kinda.
- Oh, your wife's family.
570
00:35:11,309 --> 00:35:14,506
They hang around your house
all day and drink your beer.
571
00:35:15,413 --> 00:35:17,438
They eat your salami.
572
00:35:18,483 --> 00:35:22,078
- Hey, guys! Wait up!
- [Alicia sighs]
573
00:35:22,186 --> 00:35:23,653
- [screeching]
- [honking]
574
00:35:23,754 --> 00:35:26,348
[man] Asshole!
575
00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:28,823
[# Santa Claus is Comin' to Town]
576
00:35:46,210 --> 00:35:48,440
[Drew] All right, there we go.
577
00:35:48,546 --> 00:35:49,945
Excuse me.
578
00:35:53,351 --> 00:35:55,182
All of you?
579
00:35:59,090 --> 00:36:00,284
Mom, this sucks.
580
00:36:00,391 --> 00:36:02,416
Tell your father.
He made the deal.
581
00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:04,461
Everybody say "Merry Christmas."
582
00:36:04,562 --> 00:36:07,998
- [all] Merry Christmas!
- [Santa and Drew] Ho, ho, ho!
583
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,993
Doo-Dah, interest you
in a Christmas cookie?
584
00:36:14,105 --> 00:36:15,595
I can't. I'm diabetic.
585
00:36:15,706 --> 00:36:17,731
That dog won't hunt, my friend.
586
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:20,367
Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic.
Go ahead and take one.
587
00:36:20,478 --> 00:36:22,309
Look, kid, I get that.
588
00:36:22,413 --> 00:36:25,211
But if I eat this thing,
I can't act not dead.
589
00:36:25,316 --> 00:36:26,874
- [tires screeching]
- Hey!
590
00:36:26,984 --> 00:36:28,975
Slow down.
The roads are icy.
591
00:36:29,086 --> 00:36:32,817
- I don't want you to kill your family!
- [Drew] Perfect, Christine.
592
00:36:32,924 --> 00:36:35,358
That's what my mom
would've said. Good improv.
593
00:36:35,459 --> 00:36:38,758
Before your father
threw her out of the car.
594
00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:40,387
[door squeaks]
595
00:36:40,498 --> 00:36:43,296
Ah, the old carriage house.
Brings back memories.
596
00:36:43,401 --> 00:36:45,335
- What's going on?
- Brian, go inside.
597
00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:47,836
What? Come on! Dad.
598
00:36:47,939 --> 00:36:50,533
I'm in my pajamas.
You want me to sleep outside?
599
00:36:50,641 --> 00:36:51,972
Go.
600
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,811
Fine.
601
00:36:55,813 --> 00:37:00,079
I can't go in my room, I get...
You know, when I become a serial killer
602
00:37:00,184 --> 00:37:01,378
don't act surprised.
603
00:37:01,485 --> 00:37:03,453
Think positive, Bris-eye.
604
00:37:03,554 --> 00:37:06,546
Use your positive mindset.
That's not what we talked about.
605
00:37:06,657 --> 00:37:08,557
It's hard to get through to him.
606
00:37:08,659 --> 00:37:10,456
So what's goin' on?
What's up?
607
00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:12,256
You gotta go.
608
00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:14,695
- What?
- We can't do this no more.
609
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,762
What do you mean?
What can't we do?
610
00:37:17,868 --> 00:37:21,827
Christine and l,
we're thinkin' about breakin' up.
611
00:37:23,207 --> 00:37:26,973
What? Why?
Is it my fault? Something I did?
612
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:30,070
Is it the hat? Forget it.
Wear whatever you want, Tom.
613
00:37:30,181 --> 00:37:32,274
It's not you.
It's nothin' to do with you.
614
00:37:32,383 --> 00:37:36,683
It's been goin' on for a long time.
We're just... It's not workin' out.
615
00:37:36,787 --> 00:37:40,689
We were gonna wait till after
the holidays to tell the kids,
616
00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:42,486
and you know, with you here,
617
00:37:42,593 --> 00:37:46,256
and with your Christmas cheer crap,
it's making it worse.
618
00:37:46,364 --> 00:37:49,731
Tom, first of all,
I wanna reward you for opening up
619
00:37:49,834 --> 00:37:52,496
with a big "thank you,"
that deserves some credit.
620
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:55,367
Second, let me tell you
what you need to do.
621
00:37:55,473 --> 00:37:57,407
If I was you
and comin' into some money,
622
00:37:57,508 --> 00:38:01,376
I'd do somethin' big, somethin'
you always wanted your whole life.
623
00:38:01,479 --> 00:38:03,413
Somethin' that makes you happy.
624
00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:07,678
I want the money. I really do.
It's Christine, she keeps...
625
00:38:07,785 --> 00:38:10,276
All right. Let me worry
about Christine, okay?
626
00:38:10,388 --> 00:38:12,117
I'll worry about Christine.
627
00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:15,249
You worry about Tom,
'cause it's Tom time.
628
00:38:15,359 --> 00:38:19,056
- [knocking] Christine?
- Yes, dear?
629
00:38:19,163 --> 00:38:22,155
- Can I talk to you?
- Of course, dear. I'm your mother.
630
00:38:22,266 --> 00:38:24,166
You can talk to me
about anything.
631
00:38:24,268 --> 00:38:25,462
Great.
632
00:38:25,569 --> 00:38:28,902
- Are you all right?
- Uh-huh.
633
00:38:29,006 --> 00:38:32,442
You sure? 'Cause you just put
a bra in Brian's sock drawer.
634
00:38:32,543 --> 00:38:34,170
Oh, well, that's your brother.
635
00:38:34,278 --> 00:38:37,338
1 5. Likes to experiment.
We still love him.
636
00:38:38,783 --> 00:38:43,686
Look, Christine, I know what's going on
with you and Tom,
637
00:38:43,788 --> 00:38:46,518
and first of all,
I just wanna say that
638
00:38:46,624 --> 00:38:49,787
I'm feeling a little ripped off here,
you know?
639
00:38:49,894 --> 00:38:52,727
I thought I was getting a real family.
This is bullshit.
640
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:55,799
Well, it's time you grew up
and faced facts, isn't it?
641
00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:58,926
Mommies and daddies
fall in love, make babies,
642
00:38:59,036 --> 00:39:02,494
pay bills, get mad,
and stop touching each other!
643
00:39:05,943 --> 00:39:08,207
Second of all,
644
00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:11,873
I was thinkin' I could do something
to help you, make you feel better.
645
00:39:11,982 --> 00:39:13,950
How about just me and you
go shopping?
646
00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:17,282
- For what?
- I don't know. Just go shopping.
647
00:39:17,388 --> 00:39:19,856
You know what I mean?
It's fun just to buy shit.
648
00:39:19,957 --> 00:39:24,223
Listen, I know all the best
makeup and hair people.
649
00:39:24,328 --> 00:39:27,297
The best fashion photographer
in Chicago owes me huge!
650
00:39:27,398 --> 00:39:28,865
So?
651
00:39:28,966 --> 00:39:31,366
You don't see it, do you?
652
00:39:31,469 --> 00:39:35,030
You don't see what
a beautiful woman you are.
653
00:39:35,139 --> 00:39:39,633
You have grace and kindness
and sensuality,
654
00:39:39,744 --> 00:39:41,905
and this incredibly striking,
655
00:39:42,012 --> 00:39:45,209
kind of offbeat beauty that's...
656
00:39:45,316 --> 00:39:48,410
You look in the mirror, and don't
see it. We're gonna show you.
657
00:39:48,519 --> 00:39:50,953
How would you like me
to arrange your very own,
658
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:53,819
very hip, very sexy, yet tasteful,
659
00:39:53,924 --> 00:39:56,757
very elegant, very modern,
very expensive
660
00:39:56,861 --> 00:39:59,227
photo shoot, just for you?
661
00:40:02,166 --> 00:40:03,394
[sobbing]
662
00:40:03,501 --> 00:40:05,969
Or not.
I mean, whatever...
663
00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:11,064
Oh, Drew, you've made
your mama so happy.
664
00:40:11,175 --> 00:40:12,938
[chuckles] Great.
665
00:40:14,678 --> 00:40:18,774
- Oh, Mom.
- [Christine chuckles]
666
00:40:25,055 --> 00:40:27,489
[Drew] Hey, Alicia.
Want to go tobogganing?
667
00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:32,054
Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.
Have I been sending you mixed signals?
668
00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:35,462
[chuckles] I just thought
maybe instead of sitting around
669
00:40:35,566 --> 00:40:38,535
bickering and hating me,
you might like to have some fun.
670
00:40:38,636 --> 00:40:40,570
No, thanks.
671
00:40:40,671 --> 00:40:42,662
[Drew] Ah, I see.
672
00:40:42,773 --> 00:40:44,832
I get it.
673
00:40:44,942 --> 00:40:47,911
You're afraid of fun.
You don't like having fun.
674
00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:50,810
What the hell does that even mean,
"l don't like fun"?
675
00:40:50,915 --> 00:40:52,405
Of course I like fun.
676
00:40:52,516 --> 00:40:55,212
Everybody likes fun. It's fun.
677
00:40:55,319 --> 00:40:58,049
All right, so then why
won't you go with me?
678
00:40:58,155 --> 00:41:00,248
Because it would be with you.
679
00:41:00,357 --> 00:41:03,155
You know what I think?
I think you're afraid.
680
00:41:03,260 --> 00:41:06,058
I think you're afraid
that you will go, and have fun,
681
00:41:06,163 --> 00:41:08,723
and you might enjoy yourself,
and you'd be with me.
682
00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:11,393
What would that say about you?
That's what I think.
683
00:41:11,502 --> 00:41:13,766
- Really?
- [Drew] Mm-hm.
684
00:41:14,705 --> 00:41:16,536
Let's go.
685
00:41:19,076 --> 00:41:21,544
- [Alicia] All right.
- [Drew] Ready, Freddie.
686
00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:23,943
- Well, hello there, youngsters.
- Hi.
687
00:41:24,048 --> 00:41:25,777
- Tobogganing?
- Breakneck Hill.
688
00:41:25,883 --> 00:41:27,214
- Fun.
- [Drew] Yeah.
689
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:28,785
Oh, what do you know?
690
00:41:28,886 --> 00:41:32,219
Back in my day, we couldn't
afford fancy toboggans.
691
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:34,416
Are you smoking pot?
692
00:41:34,525 --> 00:41:35,492
[honking]
693
00:41:35,593 --> 00:41:37,322
[rock music playing]
694
00:41:43,267 --> 00:41:44,564
What do you think?
695
00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:46,135
Nice.
696
00:41:46,237 --> 00:41:48,671
Yeah. This'll keep you
from dying, Dad.
697
00:41:48,772 --> 00:41:50,637
Had one of these
when I was single.
698
00:41:50,741 --> 00:41:52,436
I bet.
699
00:41:52,543 --> 00:41:54,943
Know what happened to me
on the way over here?
700
00:41:55,045 --> 00:41:57,036
- What?
- Got propositioned by a hooker.
701
00:41:57,147 --> 00:41:59,138
- Did you?
- The blonde with the big cans?
702
00:41:59,250 --> 00:42:02,014
Hey, watch your language
around my daughter.
703
00:42:02,119 --> 00:42:05,247
Brian, take a look at your father's
new automobile here!
704
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:07,415
Yeah, what do you think?
705
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:09,288
It's old.
706
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,327
[Alicia] All right.
Hey, Bri, come on.
707
00:42:11,428 --> 00:42:15,057
- We're gonna go tobogganing.
- That's great.
708
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:22,104
She's ready.
709
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:25,501
Hi. I'm Christine.
710
00:42:27,144 --> 00:42:29,442
I feel so pretty.
711
00:42:36,687 --> 00:42:39,588
- What are you doing?
- Modeling.
712
00:42:41,091 --> 00:42:42,558
[Heinrich] Here.
713
00:42:44,795 --> 00:42:49,357
Chad, have you ever
seen me so elated?
714
00:42:49,466 --> 00:42:52,629
It must be this woman. Yes.
715
00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:56,536
Isn't she sexy? Erotic.
716
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:58,540
- Speak!
- Absolutely, Heinrich.
717
00:42:58,642 --> 00:43:01,839
- She's got that special quality...
- Get out now.
718
00:43:01,946 --> 00:43:05,438
- But I'm agreeing with you.
- You hesitated.
719
00:43:05,549 --> 00:43:08,677
Yeah, you heard him.
Get out! Beat it!
720
00:43:08,786 --> 00:43:11,311
Get out! Beat it!
721
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:15,256
[chuckling] Uh-oh.
He thinks we're serious.
722
00:43:15,359 --> 00:43:18,089
We were serious.
723
00:43:18,195 --> 00:43:20,561
Very serious.
724
00:43:20,664 --> 00:43:22,757
[# Warrant: She's My Cherry Pie]
725
00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:25,027
[Heinrich] Yeah!
726
00:43:25,135 --> 00:43:27,763
Ausgeseichnet! Yeah!
727
00:43:27,871 --> 00:43:30,567
Yeah! Yeah!
728
00:43:30,674 --> 00:43:34,440
Ah! Erotic! Yeah! Yeah!
729
00:43:34,545 --> 00:43:35,534
Oh, yeah! Great!
730
00:43:35,646 --> 00:43:36,977
Oh, more!
731
00:43:37,081 --> 00:43:39,447
Lick the lollipop! Yeah!
732
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:41,482
[Brian] I do not want to do this.
733
00:43:41,585 --> 00:43:43,450
Ah, you say that now.
734
00:43:43,554 --> 00:43:48,048
Once you get going, you'll run and jump
and squeal with joy.
735
00:43:48,692 --> 00:43:50,557
- [Drew] Okay?
- [Alicia] Let's do this.
736
00:43:50,661 --> 00:43:52,288
[Drew] Here we go.
Hunker down.
737
00:43:52,396 --> 00:43:55,229
Center your weight.
Breakneck Hill!
738
00:43:59,536 --> 00:44:02,437
Whoo! Whoo!
739
00:44:02,539 --> 00:44:05,440
That was crazy!
Did you see him fly down the hill?
740
00:44:06,377 --> 00:44:08,937
I made a mistake.
It was scarier when I was younger.
741
00:44:09,046 --> 00:44:11,276
- Can we go home now?
- No, we can't go home!
742
00:44:11,382 --> 00:44:14,874
We are gonna risk permanent paralysis
or die trying!
743
00:44:20,858 --> 00:44:23,884
That one! Land!
744
00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:30,964
[Drew] Yes, sir! Whoo!
Gonna be some serious fun!
745
00:44:31,068 --> 00:44:34,196
[Brian] Sure, in a Sonny Bono
kind of way.
746
00:44:35,606 --> 00:44:37,836
What's that I hear?
A little chicken?
747
00:44:37,941 --> 00:44:39,238
[clucks]
748
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:42,335
- Chicken.
- Yeah. And very much so.
749
00:44:42,446 --> 00:44:43,913
I'm gonna go home now.
750
00:44:44,014 --> 00:44:47,177
- Seriously? You're leaving?
- [Brian] See ya at the chopper.
751
00:44:47,284 --> 00:44:51,414
Wow. Never thought I'd see the day
that taunt would lose its power.
752
00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:53,888
What about you?
Chicken with broccoli?
753
00:44:53,991 --> 00:44:57,222
Actually, part of me thinks
that it's incredibly stupid,
754
00:44:57,327 --> 00:44:59,488
and the other part is in agreement.
755
00:44:59,596 --> 00:45:01,496
- There you go.
- You're chicken.
756
00:45:01,598 --> 00:45:03,031
- Know what I think?
- What?
757
00:45:03,133 --> 00:45:07,160
I think that you had no intention
of going down this hill.
758
00:45:07,271 --> 00:45:11,401
I think that you dragged us up here
because you knew we wouldn't go down it.
759
00:45:11,508 --> 00:45:14,966
I think you were showing off.
That's what I think.
760
00:45:15,079 --> 00:45:16,637
Wait. You think I'm chicken?
761
00:45:16,747 --> 00:45:18,544
- I'm chicken?
- [Alicia laughs]
762
00:45:18,649 --> 00:45:22,380
Let me give a little clue here, okay?
763
00:45:22,486 --> 00:45:25,046
You think I'm chicken?
I'll show you.
764
00:45:25,155 --> 00:45:26,645
You see me?
I'm ready to go.
765
00:45:26,757 --> 00:45:29,351
Where are you?
Nowhere to be seen. Chicken.
766
00:45:29,460 --> 00:45:30,950
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
767
00:45:31,061 --> 00:45:32,653
- You're getting on?
- Yeah.
768
00:45:32,763 --> 00:45:34,731
- No!
- Come on, push off.
769
00:45:34,832 --> 00:45:36,697
[# The Primitives: Crash]
770
00:45:59,389 --> 00:46:01,755
[both screaming]
771
00:46:01,859 --> 00:46:04,885
[laughing]
772
00:46:09,366 --> 00:46:11,834
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
773
00:46:13,203 --> 00:46:16,434
I told you you'd have fun with me.
774
00:46:27,351 --> 00:46:29,683
[sneezes]
775
00:46:29,787 --> 00:46:34,053
- Sorry.
- That's cool. It's okay.
776
00:46:37,561 --> 00:46:41,156
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
777
00:46:42,432 --> 00:46:45,868
- It's my fault you got sick.
- [sniffling] It's not your fault.
778
00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:48,904
We even might have gotten sick
without tobogganing.
779
00:46:49,006 --> 00:46:51,474
It didn't help walking home
in wet clothes.
780
00:46:51,575 --> 00:46:55,272
- You wanna watch TV?
- Uh-huh.
781
00:46:55,379 --> 00:46:57,006
[Drew groaning]
782
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:04,587
[# Warrant: She's My Cherry Pie]
783
00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,870
- Hey.
- Hi.
784
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:33,946
You look different.
785
00:47:34,051 --> 00:47:36,315
Did you do something?
786
00:47:37,588 --> 00:47:38,816
Are you serious?
787
00:47:38,922 --> 00:47:41,857
No, I just mean that...
788
00:47:43,594 --> 00:47:44,993
...you look good.
789
00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,256
Thanks.
790
00:47:50,601 --> 00:47:51,829
Where'd you go?
791
00:47:52,669 --> 00:47:54,330
Nice wheels.
792
00:47:55,572 --> 00:47:59,804
- Yeah. You like it?
- Yeah.
793
00:48:01,178 --> 00:48:04,079
Does it seem at all familiar?
794
00:48:05,916 --> 00:48:08,282
Didn't somebody we know
have one of these?
795
00:48:08,385 --> 00:48:11,479
Yeah. Us.
796
00:48:11,588 --> 00:48:14,386
Maybe this'll help.
797
00:48:18,662 --> 00:48:22,098
Yeah. I remember.
798
00:48:37,948 --> 00:48:41,509
- So what's your deal anyway?
- My deal.
799
00:48:41,618 --> 00:48:44,587
I mean, sometimes you have
these moments of lucidity,
800
00:48:44,688 --> 00:48:46,849
but then other times
801
00:48:46,957 --> 00:48:50,051
it's just not so much normal.
802
00:48:50,160 --> 00:48:54,119
I don't understand, I mean,
I don't wanna be alone on Christmas.
803
00:48:54,231 --> 00:48:55,823
You've never been alone.
804
00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:59,494
On Christmas, it's not like
being alone. It's alone alone.
805
00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:02,094
This wouldn't be
one of those lucid moments.
806
00:49:02,205 --> 00:49:05,038
- I wasn't going for that.
- Okay, I see.
807
00:49:05,142 --> 00:49:07,906
All right, little Miss Grinch.
808
00:49:08,011 --> 00:49:10,571
I know you're a sophisticated,
modern woman
809
00:49:10,681 --> 00:49:14,947
that's very jaded and nothing
gets to you, and you have no emotions.
810
00:49:15,052 --> 00:49:17,020
But I'd be willing to bet
that even you,
811
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:19,748
before you got old...
812
00:49:19,856 --> 00:49:21,721
...-er than you are now,
813
00:49:21,825 --> 00:49:26,159
but still as young, attractive,
smart and beautiful...
814
00:49:26,263 --> 00:49:28,163
[sniffling] That's better.
815
00:49:28,265 --> 00:49:29,459
I don't know, like,
816
00:49:29,566 --> 00:49:34,128
some moment in your childhood
before everything got complicated,
817
00:49:34,237 --> 00:49:35,465
when you were happy.
818
00:49:35,572 --> 00:49:37,563
You must have some moment in your life
819
00:49:37,674 --> 00:49:40,939
that you'd like to go back and relive.
820
00:49:42,846 --> 00:49:44,541
Yeah.
821
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:47,583
Once,
822
00:49:47,684 --> 00:49:51,586
I was, like, nine years old
823
00:49:51,688 --> 00:49:55,146
and we had just had
this ice storm.
824
00:49:55,258 --> 00:49:59,126
I was walking home from school
through Bishop Park.
825
00:49:59,229 --> 00:50:02,221
You know that one big oak tree
in the middle?
826
00:50:02,332 --> 00:50:04,732
It was completely frozen.
827
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,962
All the branches were icicles.
828
00:50:07,070 --> 00:50:09,800
It was just...
It was incredible.
829
00:50:09,906 --> 00:50:13,603
It completely stopped me
in my tracks.
830
00:50:13,710 --> 00:50:15,541
I remember standing underneath it
831
00:50:15,645 --> 00:50:20,878
pretending that I was a princess
in a magical crystal palace.
832
00:50:20,984 --> 00:50:22,474
It was really...
833
00:50:22,586 --> 00:50:25,350
It was beautiful.
834
00:50:27,190 --> 00:50:29,283
[blowing]
835
00:50:29,393 --> 00:50:32,385
[# Jose Feliciano: Feliz Navidad]
836
00:52:17,234 --> 00:52:19,862
Hey, would you come outside
with me for one second?
837
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,428
- I wanna show you something.
- Okay.
838
00:52:23,540 --> 00:52:26,031
- Where are you taking me?
- Hold on, one second.
839
00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:29,772
- You trust me?
- Uh, no. Not necessarily.
840
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:32,440
Okay. Try to trust me,
I wanna blindfold you.
841
00:52:32,549 --> 00:52:34,107
- It's a surprise.
- Okay.
842
00:52:34,217 --> 00:52:36,583
- All right?
- All right.
843
00:52:36,686 --> 00:52:39,553
- Oh, God.
- All right. Follow me.
844
00:52:39,656 --> 00:52:44,423
I feel that this is gonna end with
"and she was never heard from again."
845
00:52:44,528 --> 00:52:46,496
- Step, step, step.
- Okay.
846
00:52:46,596 --> 00:52:48,029
- Right there. Stop.
- Okay.
847
00:52:48,131 --> 00:52:50,292
- Turn this way. Okay?
- All right.
848
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:52,334
All right.
849
00:53:00,477 --> 00:53:03,674
[breathless] Oh, my God.
850
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:09,474
[stammers] I can't believe you did this.
851
00:53:09,586 --> 00:53:11,383
Wait till you see this.
852
00:53:11,488 --> 00:53:12,819
Hit it, guys.
853
00:53:12,923 --> 00:53:17,053
[elves] Hut, hut, hut...
854
00:53:21,598 --> 00:53:26,763
- [elves giggling]
- [camel grunts]
855
00:53:30,574 --> 00:53:33,839
[donkey brays]
856
00:53:33,944 --> 00:53:35,206
You see that?
857
00:53:35,312 --> 00:53:37,780
That's you right there.
I know this props guy.
858
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:39,678
He owns a prop house with figurines,
859
00:53:39,783 --> 00:53:42,308
and he painted your hair like that,
your mouth.
860
00:53:42,419 --> 00:53:44,410
- Those guys aren't pros.
- I'm sure.
861
00:53:44,521 --> 00:53:46,955
- I showed them the thing.
- Oh, wow.
862
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:50,390
I got this dance teacher.
It's not easy to get a camel.
863
00:53:50,493 --> 00:53:54,725
It's not easy taking a very
personal and private moment
864
00:53:54,831 --> 00:53:58,528
that I have never told anybody
and turning it into a theme park.
865
00:53:58,635 --> 00:54:00,432
# #
866
00:54:00,537 --> 00:54:01,868
Shut up!
867
00:54:01,972 --> 00:54:03,872
[choir] Ah...
868
00:54:03,974 --> 00:54:06,966
But I'm not disappointed.
Okay? I'm not mad.
869
00:54:07,077 --> 00:54:11,946
I'm just mad at myself for thinking that
there was more to you than I thought.
870
00:54:13,216 --> 00:54:15,844
- That's you.
- [man] It's a wrap.
871
00:54:15,952 --> 00:54:17,852
[elves] Hut, hut, hut.
872
00:54:17,954 --> 00:54:19,615
[Drew] Alicia? Wait a second!
873
00:54:19,723 --> 00:54:23,557
I care about you.
I did that because I care about you.
874
00:54:23,660 --> 00:54:26,026
Look, Drew,
let me just give you some advice.
875
00:54:26,129 --> 00:54:28,495
Save your big, expensive gestures
876
00:54:28,598 --> 00:54:30,793
for some girl
who's impressed by them,
877
00:54:30,900 --> 00:54:33,027
And when you find her,
hold on to her.
878
00:54:33,136 --> 00:54:36,572
Otherwise, you are looking at
a lifetime of lonely Christmases.
879
00:54:45,548 --> 00:54:49,040
I'm telling you, he is wonderful.
880
00:54:49,152 --> 00:54:51,620
It's Cartier.
At least he's got manners.
881
00:54:51,721 --> 00:54:53,848
Well, I mean,
he's in the neighborhood.
882
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:55,424
- He is?
- Darling.
883
00:54:55,525 --> 00:54:57,390
- What?
- It's a day bracelet.
884
00:54:57,494 --> 00:55:00,258
- Do you like it, darling?
- I love it.
885
00:55:00,363 --> 00:55:01,955
You're the expert on jewelry.
886
00:55:02,065 --> 00:55:04,158
- Are you disagreeing?
- Absolutely not.
887
00:55:04,267 --> 00:55:06,667
She just got a present.
Why pick at her now?
888
00:55:06,770 --> 00:55:07,737
I'm not.
889
00:55:11,741 --> 00:55:13,003
[knocking]
890
00:55:13,109 --> 00:55:16,135
Brian, tell Drew
that I had to take off.
891
00:55:16,246 --> 00:55:17,975
There was a...
892
00:55:21,885 --> 00:55:24,615
Holy cow.
What are you looking at?
893
00:55:24,721 --> 00:55:28,452
This is just, it's research.
894
00:55:28,558 --> 00:55:30,719
When I was young,
we didn't sit in our rooms
895
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:33,159
drooling over nude ladies
on computers.
896
00:55:33,263 --> 00:55:34,730
No, sir.
897
00:55:34,831 --> 00:55:37,129
We had to go behind the barn
with the dirty girl
898
00:55:37,233 --> 00:55:40,964
and pay her a quarter so she
could show us her goodies.
899
00:55:42,238 --> 00:55:43,569
How does this work?
900
00:55:43,673 --> 00:55:47,404
Oh, well. Here, let me...
901
00:55:47,510 --> 00:55:50,206
[Brian] What are you into?
Hot Cheerleaders,
902
00:55:50,313 --> 00:55:52,076
- Three-Way Fun.
- Uh-uh.
903
00:55:52,182 --> 00:55:54,946
- Middle-Aged Hotties.
- You're talkin' my language.
904
00:55:55,051 --> 00:55:59,920
Old enough to know how it's done,
young enough to still want to do it.
905
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:02,491
- That's gross.
- Ooh.
906
00:56:02,592 --> 00:56:04,287
[Doo-Dah] Come to papa.
907
00:56:04,394 --> 00:56:06,624
[Brian] That's not bad, right?
908
00:56:09,666 --> 00:56:12,294
Dude, it's your mom!
909
00:56:12,402 --> 00:56:13,528
Oh, my God.
910
00:56:15,004 --> 00:56:17,370
Hey, can you print that for me?
911
00:56:18,975 --> 00:56:20,772
Mom, Dad, listen.
912
00:56:20,877 --> 00:56:22,469
Please, Drew has to go tonight.
913
00:56:22,579 --> 00:56:25,377
I cannot spend one more second
in this house with him.
914
00:56:25,482 --> 00:56:27,575
- Well, yeah?
- Yeah? So what?
915
00:56:27,684 --> 00:56:30,084
So he's making fools of us!
916
00:56:30,186 --> 00:56:31,915
- Of all of us!
- [Drew] Alicia?
917
00:56:32,021 --> 00:56:34,819
[sighs] All right, look,
I'm gonna take the car,
918
00:56:34,924 --> 00:56:37,256
and when I get home,
I really hope he's gone.
919
00:56:37,360 --> 00:56:40,693
- Alicia.
- Be careful with the car.
920
00:56:40,797 --> 00:56:42,526
Can't we talk about this?
921
00:56:42,632 --> 00:56:44,623
No.
922
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:50,134
- What the hell happened?
- [Drew] Nothing.
923
00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:53,073
I think she's right. It's stupid.
924
00:56:53,176 --> 00:56:54,541
This is a mistake.
925
00:56:54,644 --> 00:56:57,613
I've imposed on you folks
and I'm sorry.
926
00:56:57,714 --> 00:56:59,238
I'll write you a check.
927
00:56:59,349 --> 00:57:02,011
I'll spend Christmas...
928
00:57:02,118 --> 00:57:04,484
I'll spend Christmas somewhere.
929
00:57:04,587 --> 00:57:08,387
No. We don't want your money.
930
00:57:08,491 --> 00:57:12,393
In cash.
Check'll be just fine.
931
00:57:12,495 --> 00:57:14,861
- I'll get you a pen.
- [phone rings]
932
00:57:14,964 --> 00:57:17,159
- What's wrong with you?
- Hello?
933
00:57:17,267 --> 00:57:19,667
- Merry Christmas to you too.
- Missy!
934
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:22,738
The bracelet is amazing, Drew.
Thank you.
935
00:57:22,839 --> 00:57:26,036
I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
936
00:57:26,142 --> 00:57:31,205
- How'd you know my favorite is Cartier?
- Lucky guess. How did you find me?
937
00:57:31,314 --> 00:57:35,273
I talked to your secretary and she said
you were with your family.
938
00:57:35,385 --> 00:57:36,647
Oh, Drew!
939
00:57:36,753 --> 00:57:40,245
I am so happy for you.
And for us.
940
00:57:40,356 --> 00:57:42,381
- For us?
- I know what this means,
941
00:57:42,492 --> 00:57:44,460
reaching out to your family.
942
00:57:44,561 --> 00:57:46,756
You want to be
more serious about yourself,
943
00:57:46,863 --> 00:57:48,990
and more serious about me.
944
00:57:49,566 --> 00:57:51,796
I wanna meet your family, Drew.
945
00:57:51,901 --> 00:57:54,631
I'm sure you will,
and they wanna meet you one day.
946
00:57:54,737 --> 00:57:56,295
Oh, great.
947
00:57:56,406 --> 00:57:58,636
Then we can go to Fiji.
948
00:57:58,741 --> 00:58:01,403
How about tomorrow?
949
00:58:01,511 --> 00:58:04,378
Fiji? Tomorrow?
You're kidding.
950
00:58:04,481 --> 00:58:07,575
That's fabulous, actually.
That's perfect.
951
00:58:07,684 --> 00:58:12,587
Then tonight we can spend Christmas Eve
together with our families.
952
00:58:12,689 --> 00:58:14,680
Ah...
953
00:58:14,791 --> 00:58:17,988
That's gonna be hard
to pull off, you know?
954
00:58:18,094 --> 00:58:22,758
It's very short notice, and we...
955
00:58:22,866 --> 00:58:28,236
One of the family members
is challenged, and...
956
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:31,933
[clears throat]...requires
a lot of time to put on
957
00:58:32,041 --> 00:58:34,271
- the proper headgear...
- Oh. No problem.
958
00:58:34,377 --> 00:58:36,572
- [seatbelts unlatching]
- We're here.
959
00:58:36,679 --> 00:58:39,045
- You're here?
- Look outside!
960
00:58:46,956 --> 00:58:49,186
Oh, my God!
You're here?!
961
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:54,394
I mean, oh, my gosh!
You're totally here!
962
00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:58,163
My girlfriend's family is here!
963
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:00,759
You have to help me!
Pretend for a couple hours!
964
00:59:00,870 --> 00:59:02,997
We'll leave by midnight.
I'm begging you!
965
00:59:03,106 --> 00:59:05,438
Read paragraph three.
You bailed, it's done.
966
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:08,978
- You write the check and get out!
- What? No! Wait a minute!
967
00:59:09,078 --> 00:59:11,342
Okay, look, I wanna go!
I'm dying to go!
968
00:59:11,447 --> 00:59:13,915
I gotta have a life to go back to!
This girl is it!
969
00:59:14,017 --> 00:59:16,144
I can't tell her I rented a family.
970
00:59:16,252 --> 00:59:18,447
I'm sure she already knows
you're crazy.
971
00:59:18,555 --> 00:59:21,615
- It kinda shows.
- A deal's a deal. That's it.
972
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:24,887
- Unless you sweeten the pot.
- That's extortion, Tom!
973
00:59:24,994 --> 00:59:27,462
- I think I hear the doorbell.
- No! No, no! Wait!
974
00:59:27,564 --> 00:59:30,863
No, no! I'll give you
another 75 grand. Okay?
975
00:59:30,967 --> 00:59:32,992
But you gotta do it good,
you gotta try.
976
00:59:33,102 --> 00:59:35,195
Or else I'll be so mad
at you guys!
977
00:59:35,305 --> 00:59:36,704
- [doorbell]
- Come on.
978
00:59:36,806 --> 00:59:39,240
- I'm not wearin' the hat.
- [Drew] Fine! Sure!
979
00:59:40,476 --> 00:59:42,774
- Missy!
- Hey, Drew.
980
00:59:42,879 --> 00:59:44,710
Mrs. Vangilder. Captain.
981
00:59:44,814 --> 00:59:45,838
Come on in.
982
00:59:45,949 --> 00:59:48,247
Merry Christmas.
Honey. Merry Christmas.
983
00:59:48,351 --> 00:59:50,376
Welcome to my childhood home.
984
00:59:50,486 --> 00:59:51,817
[chuckling] Come on in.
985
00:59:51,921 --> 00:59:53,013
- Hi.
- Hello.
986
00:59:53,122 --> 00:59:55,352
I'm Drew's father,
and this is his mother.
987
00:59:55,458 --> 00:59:56,482
- Christine.
- Mom.
988
00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:57,651
Letitia. Horace.
989
00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:00,388
And he's our son.
There's no doubt about that.
990
01:00:00,496 --> 01:00:02,555
[Drew chuckling] That's for sure.
991
01:00:02,665 --> 01:00:02,765
[awkward silence]
992
01:00:02,765 --> 01:00:05,097
[awkward silence]
993
01:00:13,343 --> 01:00:14,810
Oh!
994
01:00:14,911 --> 01:00:18,847
I would love to see pictures of Drew
when he was small.
995
01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:21,917
Oh, we're not gonna bore everyone,
that's embarrassing.
996
01:00:22,018 --> 01:00:23,883
Good idea.
Bath time for baby.
997
01:00:23,987 --> 01:00:25,318
- Oh.
- [chuckling]
998
01:00:25,421 --> 01:00:28,288
- Thanks, Mom.
- Look at him.
999
01:00:28,391 --> 01:00:29,983
Drew, are you sure that's you?
1000
01:00:30,093 --> 01:00:32,425
Oh, that's me all right.
I remember it well.
1001
01:00:32,528 --> 01:00:34,826
That was in autumn
and the photographer...
1002
01:00:34,931 --> 01:00:38,867
No, I don't think so.
There's no little dingle.
1003
01:00:38,968 --> 01:00:41,698
- Nope.
- No.
1004
01:00:41,804 --> 01:00:43,931
[Drew] Yes. It's there, but it's not...
1005
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:48,704
You can't see it, because it was
so long that Mom had to tuck it back
1006
01:00:48,811 --> 01:00:50,904
when she gave me a bath.
It got tangled.
1007
01:00:51,014 --> 01:00:52,811
- You remember, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah.
1008
01:00:52,915 --> 01:00:55,145
From the moment he was born, it was...
1009
01:00:55,251 --> 01:00:58,516
-...freakishly long.
- [chuckling] Right. Yes.
1010
01:00:58,621 --> 01:00:59,952
- [knocking]
- I'll get it.
1011
01:01:00,056 --> 01:01:01,353
No, no, no!
1012
01:01:01,457 --> 01:01:03,550
I'll get it, son.
You stay right there.
1013
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:05,628
[chuckling] Thanks, Dad.
1014
01:01:05,728 --> 01:01:07,719
- So, here we are.
- Yeah.
1015
01:01:07,830 --> 01:01:11,425
So are we keeping you folks
from dinner plans, or...
1016
01:01:11,534 --> 01:01:13,263
No, we don't have any plans.
1017
01:01:13,369 --> 01:01:15,064
We couldn't possibly impose.
1018
01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,071
[Horace] We just got here.
1019
01:01:17,173 --> 01:01:19,698
Oh, okay.
Who was that, Dad?
1020
01:01:21,377 --> 01:01:22,810
Doo-Dah.
1021
01:01:22,912 --> 01:01:25,312
Doo-Dah.
Doo-Dah's my grandpa.
1022
01:01:25,415 --> 01:01:27,781
- He'll tell us stories...
- I wanna meet him.
1023
01:01:27,884 --> 01:01:29,909
...about the 1 800s.
I know you do.
1024
01:01:30,019 --> 01:01:32,283
We don't usually
leave him outside.
1025
01:01:32,388 --> 01:01:34,356
We usually let him in, Dad.
1026
01:01:34,457 --> 01:01:36,425
- Let's talk, son.
- [Drew] Okay.
1027
01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,323
- Don't go anywhere.
- Okay.
1028
01:01:38,428 --> 01:01:40,658
This guy says he's Doo-Dah's understudy.
1029
01:01:40,763 --> 01:01:43,698
- He's not white.
- That's fine, just let him in.
1030
01:01:43,800 --> 01:01:45,324
They don't know he's not right.
1031
01:01:45,435 --> 01:01:47,596
- They don't know him!
- Want me to let him in?
1032
01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:48,796
- Fine!
- Please, Tom.
1033
01:01:48,905 --> 01:01:51,430
This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah.
Here he is.
1034
01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:54,135
Sweet Jim Jiminy,
cold corn in the mornin'!
1035
01:01:54,243 --> 01:01:55,835
Ooh. Who are you?
1036
01:01:55,945 --> 01:01:58,505
I'm Saul's understudy.
I just came to help out.
1037
01:01:58,614 --> 01:02:00,206
[understudy] Feliz navidad.
1038
01:02:00,316 --> 01:02:03,080
- Is he black?
- Yep.
1039
01:02:05,488 --> 01:02:07,786
I can't do it.
I cannot do it.
1040
01:02:07,890 --> 01:02:11,348
My family's this close to 350.
You're not gonna weasel out now!
1041
01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:13,793
Put some maple syrup
on the ham.
1042
01:02:23,272 --> 01:02:24,364
- Drew?
- Huh?
1043
01:02:24,474 --> 01:02:26,066
Ah! Ah!
1044
01:02:27,243 --> 01:02:29,677
I'm sorry!
Oh, Jesus!
1045
01:02:29,779 --> 01:02:32,111
I'm sorry.
I know I'm not supposed to be here.
1046
01:02:32,215 --> 01:02:35,207
I'm gonna leave right away.
I don't want to cause problems.
1047
01:02:35,318 --> 01:02:37,980
- Drew, listen.
- I'm in a bit of a jam now.
1048
01:02:38,087 --> 01:02:41,386
- Drew, Drew, wait.
- What? Yes?
1049
01:02:41,491 --> 01:02:45,222
I came back here because
I wanted to apologize to you.
1050
01:02:45,328 --> 01:02:48,729
Yes, the thing in the park
was a bit garish and obnoxious,
1051
01:02:48,831 --> 01:02:50,458
but that's you.
1052
01:02:50,566 --> 01:02:52,534
Not that you're garish and obnoxious,
1053
01:02:52,635 --> 01:02:54,865
it's just that you
do things in a big way.
1054
01:02:54,971 --> 01:02:56,529
Yes, I do, I do.
1055
01:02:56,639 --> 01:02:59,199
And I'm touched.
1056
01:02:59,308 --> 01:03:02,903
- Thank you. That means...
- And thank you.
1057
01:03:13,856 --> 01:03:16,188
You smell like fear.
1058
01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:21,230
- There have been some developments...
- I have a gift for you.
1059
01:03:21,330 --> 01:03:23,321
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
1060
01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:28,228
No! Hi!
1061
01:03:28,337 --> 01:03:29,929
[laughing] Hi, honey.
1062
01:03:30,039 --> 01:03:32,405
Your mom sent me in here
to get a cheeseball.
1063
01:03:32,508 --> 01:03:36,968
- What's that?
- This is a cheeseball.
1064
01:03:37,079 --> 01:03:40,947
Let's play a game where you don't
come back till they eat the whole thing.
1065
01:03:41,050 --> 01:03:44,781
[chuckling] This is great.
Your family isn't what I expected.
1066
01:03:44,887 --> 01:03:46,855
I'm glad you wanted to introduce me.
1067
01:03:46,956 --> 01:03:48,856
- It's all I ever wanted.
- Me too.
1068
01:03:48,958 --> 01:03:51,153
- Thank you so much.
- Okay. All right.
1069
01:03:51,260 --> 01:03:52,955
Yes. I know.
I love you. Okay.
1070
01:03:53,062 --> 01:03:56,930
- Fiji's gonna be great.
- It will be great. Fiji time!
1071
01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:06,100
That's what this was about?
You put us through this for a girl?
1072
01:04:06,209 --> 01:04:08,507
No, no, no.
1073
01:04:08,611 --> 01:04:10,203
Just...
1074
01:04:12,114 --> 01:04:15,049
- Can I open my present now?
- Sure.
1075
01:04:17,854 --> 01:04:20,948
I thought this was because
you had a painful childhood.
1076
01:04:21,057 --> 01:04:23,457
I'm sorry. You said you
never wanted to see me,
1077
01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:25,618
so I accepted that.
1078
01:04:25,728 --> 01:04:29,664
I was broken up with her, but she
showed up and wanted to meet my family.
1079
01:04:29,765 --> 01:04:32,529
I couldn't tell them
it was a rented family.
1080
01:04:32,635 --> 01:04:36,537
I know you hate me. I hate me.
I hate my own guts.
1081
01:04:36,639 --> 01:04:39,472
I know this is horrible,
but would you just please,
1082
01:04:39,575 --> 01:04:41,839
could you help me,
so I can get through this?
1083
01:04:41,944 --> 01:04:44,845
You'll never see me again.
Just take a ride for an hour.
1084
01:04:44,947 --> 01:04:47,142
Your parents will call you
when it's clear.
1085
01:04:47,250 --> 01:04:51,414
[Christine] Drew,
your dad wants more salami!
1086
01:04:51,520 --> 01:04:52,782
They're playing along?
1087
01:04:52,889 --> 01:04:57,223
Your parents, they're crazy.
They think it's fun.
1088
01:04:57,326 --> 01:04:59,089
I'm sorry.
Okay? I gotta go.
1089
01:04:59,195 --> 01:05:01,095
I'll see you.
I miss you. Thank you.
1090
01:05:01,197 --> 01:05:03,495
You're welcome. See ya.
1091
01:05:07,069 --> 01:05:09,697
They think it's fun, huh?
1092
01:05:11,674 --> 01:05:14,700
Maybe they're right.
1093
01:05:14,810 --> 01:05:14,911
Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful.
1094
01:05:14,911 --> 01:05:17,539
Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful.
1095
01:05:17,647 --> 01:05:20,207
You know, it reminds me of Mexico.
1096
01:05:20,316 --> 01:05:24,753
Not the better hotels, but the colors
of the simple people.
1097
01:05:24,854 --> 01:05:27,152
It's so bright and vulgar.
1098
01:05:27,256 --> 01:05:30,419
- [chuckles]
- Mom! Dad! I'm home!
1099
01:05:30,526 --> 01:05:34,929
[Christine] Alicia, you're back.
You're back, Alicia.
1100
01:05:35,031 --> 01:05:36,862
Oh, you're back.
1101
01:05:36,966 --> 01:05:40,265
This is our daughter, Alicia.
This is Mrs. Vangilder.
1102
01:05:40,369 --> 01:05:42,428
Please. Letitia.
1103
01:05:42,538 --> 01:05:45,098
I'm so pleased to meet you. Really.
1104
01:05:45,207 --> 01:05:47,107
And this is our little Missy.
1105
01:05:47,209 --> 01:05:50,303
Oh, Missy, Missy.
1106
01:05:52,315 --> 01:05:55,716
Oh, gosh. I've just heard
so much about you from Drew.
1107
01:05:55,818 --> 01:05:58,218
God, you're gorgeous.
1108
01:05:58,321 --> 01:06:01,984
And you are so not fat.
Drew! What's the matter with you?
1109
01:06:02,091 --> 01:06:03,683
I'm sorry?
1110
01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:05,624
- Drew, I'm not fat.
- No.
1111
01:06:05,728 --> 01:06:08,697
- I was just thinking that.
- You must be Mr. Vangilder.
1112
01:06:08,798 --> 01:06:10,891
- I would never say that.
- Don't mind us.
1113
01:06:11,000 --> 01:06:12,365
We're a bunch of kidders.
1114
01:06:12,468 --> 01:06:14,299
I like the family.
1115
01:06:14,403 --> 01:06:16,963
Oh, well, you obviously
haven't met Brian.
1116
01:06:17,073 --> 01:06:20,042
By the way, where is Brian?
1117
01:06:24,180 --> 01:06:26,444
[whimpering]
1118
01:06:30,052 --> 01:06:32,213
Here.
1119
01:06:32,321 --> 01:06:35,449
Your mom's startin' to like
your grandfather hittin' on her.
1120
01:06:35,558 --> 01:06:38,254
There's one you don't often hear
on Christmas Eve.
1121
01:06:38,361 --> 01:06:39,453
[Missy laughing]
1122
01:06:39,562 --> 01:06:42,429
It's unbelievable.
Poor thing. Poor thing.
1123
01:06:42,531 --> 01:06:44,658
- Excuse me.
- It's true.
1124
01:06:44,767 --> 01:06:47,258
What's happening over here?
What's going on?
1125
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:50,931
- I'm learning so much from your sister.
- Oh, you are. Great.
1126
01:06:51,040 --> 01:06:53,338
I didn't know you were
a baton twirler.
1127
01:06:53,442 --> 01:06:56,502
Yeah. Gave away the big secret,
I guess, didn't you?
1128
01:06:56,612 --> 01:06:59,012
Oh, not the big one,
so don't push me.
1129
01:06:59,115 --> 01:07:01,515
Let's go talk to Doo-Dah.
He's telling stor...
1130
01:07:01,617 --> 01:07:03,642
I want you to see
the bracelet Drew got me.
1131
01:07:03,753 --> 01:07:06,654
Ooh, Cartier, huh?
1132
01:07:06,756 --> 01:07:08,951
Wow. Look at that.
That's just beautiful.
1133
01:07:09,058 --> 01:07:11,185
Well, that's my brother.
1134
01:07:11,293 --> 01:07:14,694
Just never afraid to put
a price tag on his feelings.
1135
01:07:14,797 --> 01:07:17,994
Yeah. That's my sister.
Never understanding there's love,
1136
01:07:18,100 --> 01:07:20,466
you can care and
want to show it in a big way,
1137
01:07:20,569 --> 01:07:23,868
and you shouldn't be put down
and mocked, and made hurt feelings.
1138
01:07:23,973 --> 01:07:27,932
When you love somebody,
you don't have to show it in a big way.
1139
01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:31,707
So you were slumming when you
were making out with me in the kitchen?
1140
01:07:37,820 --> 01:07:40,550
It's a very, very affectionate family.
1141
01:07:40,656 --> 01:07:42,817
- We show our love.
- ltalians.
1142
01:07:42,925 --> 01:07:44,756
We're just very warm.
1143
01:07:44,860 --> 01:07:47,385
Red hot, even.
1144
01:07:47,496 --> 01:07:50,829
All right, that's it.
Give me this. Get up.
1145
01:07:50,933 --> 01:07:52,662
- Sit down!
- [Christine] Okay!
1146
01:07:52,768 --> 01:07:54,463
Who wants a tour of the house?
1147
01:07:54,570 --> 01:07:57,733
- What you're using are stairs.
- [squeaking]
1148
01:07:57,840 --> 01:08:00,070
We like these for going up.
1149
01:08:00,176 --> 01:08:02,337
This is the bathroom.
1150
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:06,443
- What are you doing to me?
- What?
1151
01:08:06,549 --> 01:08:10,041
- You're killing me.
- No, I'm just playing along, brother.
1152
01:08:10,152 --> 01:08:12,677
I think Missy likes me.
She thinks I'm funny.
1153
01:08:12,788 --> 01:08:15,484
This was little Drew's room.
Now, it's Brian's.
1154
01:08:15,591 --> 01:08:16,649
Aw.
1155
01:08:16,759 --> 01:08:19,387
Brian, don't be rude.
We have guests.
1156
01:08:19,495 --> 01:08:22,862
He'd live in front of the screen
if we'd let him right, Tom?
1157
01:08:22,965 --> 01:08:25,593
It's that insatiable appetite
for knowledge.
1158
01:08:25,701 --> 01:08:27,225
Oh, shit!
1159
01:08:27,336 --> 01:08:29,395
Brian, what have you done?!
1160
01:08:29,505 --> 01:08:32,269
- Tom, I don't know what that is.
- I do.
1161
01:08:32,374 --> 01:08:36,140
It's my wife shooting a "V"
for victory with her legs.
1162
01:08:36,245 --> 01:08:38,679
It's been a while,
but that's what it looks like.
1163
01:08:38,781 --> 01:08:41,682
- [Letitia] Honestly.
- That's my little girl.
1164
01:08:41,784 --> 01:08:44,514
- Horace, get our coats.
- What's going on?
1165
01:08:44,620 --> 01:08:46,679
You have no idea.
Missy, get your coat!
1166
01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:48,848
- There's ham!
- [Missy] We're not going.
1167
01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:50,983
- We'll stay.
- [Christine] Lighten up.
1168
01:08:51,093 --> 01:08:54,062
It's just a picture.
I had pictures taken for fun.
1169
01:08:54,163 --> 01:08:56,290
Where would you get
that stupid idea?!
1170
01:08:59,235 --> 01:09:03,399
Coats! Someone say coats?
Get the coats. Gotta get coats.
1171
01:09:04,874 --> 01:09:07,001
[Missy screams]
1172
01:09:07,109 --> 01:09:08,633
[chuckles] Oh.
1173
01:09:13,616 --> 01:09:16,744
Some things cannot be unseen.
1174
01:09:16,852 --> 01:09:19,480
Brian? Brian?
1175
01:09:19,588 --> 01:09:22,716
[Tom] Great.
Just great, Christine.
1176
01:09:27,796 --> 01:09:30,264
I'll be at the Travel Lodge.
1177
01:09:31,901 --> 01:09:33,732
[door slams]
1178
01:09:38,073 --> 01:09:41,839
- Merry Christmas.
- Mom? Mom?
1179
01:09:42,945 --> 01:09:44,879
- Oh, dear God.
- Wait a minute!
1180
01:09:44,980 --> 01:09:46,811
There's more of Mom's buffet.
1181
01:09:46,916 --> 01:09:50,283
If you think we're staying
after that display, think again.
1182
01:09:50,386 --> 01:09:53,082
[Letitia] Trollops who
pose for dirty pictures,
1183
01:09:53,189 --> 01:09:55,953
various incestuous overtones
1184
01:09:56,058 --> 01:09:58,686
and old, unexplained men.
1185
01:09:58,794 --> 01:10:01,592
This is without a doubt
the worst Christmas I've...
1186
01:10:01,697 --> 01:10:04,222
Oh, shut up, Letitia!
1187
01:10:05,334 --> 01:10:06,494
What?
1188
01:10:06,602 --> 01:10:10,470
I'll tell you what. I've put up with
your high and mighty act for 25 years,
1189
01:10:10,573 --> 01:10:11,904
but they don't have to.
1190
01:10:12,007 --> 01:10:14,999
I don't remember you being superior
when you got knocked up
1191
01:10:15,110 --> 01:10:18,637
by Skippy Altsheller
and then tricked me into marrying you.
1192
01:10:19,915 --> 01:10:23,646
- Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry, Missy.
1193
01:10:23,752 --> 01:10:28,018
Missy, darling, it's not true.
You were premature.
1194
01:10:28,123 --> 01:10:30,523
Oh, come on, Letitia!
1195
01:10:30,626 --> 01:10:34,995
Tell your mother thanks, Drew.
And Merry Christmas.
1196
01:10:36,465 --> 01:10:38,831
Missy, we'll wait for you in the car.
1197
01:10:38,934 --> 01:10:42,267
[grunts] You know, really.
1198
01:10:43,806 --> 01:10:45,865
Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it?
1199
01:10:45,975 --> 01:10:48,205
Oh, shut up!
Just shut up!
1200
01:10:48,310 --> 01:10:52,076
Okay! Fiji.
Let's go to Fiji right now.
1201
01:10:52,181 --> 01:10:54,809
You're right, Drew.
Just screw family.
1202
01:10:54,917 --> 01:10:57,784
All we need is each other.
Just take me away.
1203
01:10:59,555 --> 01:11:02,023
I'm sorry, Missy. I can't.
1204
01:11:02,124 --> 01:11:06,083
Just go home, okay?
I'm sorry about all this.
1205
01:11:07,596 --> 01:11:09,655
I'll spend Christmas alone.
1206
01:11:14,570 --> 01:11:17,300
Oh, fine.
1207
01:11:17,406 --> 01:11:18,964
[sobbing] Okay.
1208
01:11:20,175 --> 01:11:22,769
Well, then...
1209
01:11:22,878 --> 01:11:25,972
...the only thing
I have left to say to you
1210
01:11:26,081 --> 01:11:28,140
is I am keeping this bracelet.
1211
01:11:32,021 --> 01:11:34,956
I feel bad drinking liquor
you're gonna need.
1212
01:11:35,057 --> 01:11:36,422
I better go.
1213
01:11:36,525 --> 01:11:39,585
- Merry Christmas.
- All right.
1214
01:11:41,230 --> 01:11:43,027
[Letitia] Missy, get in the car!
1215
01:11:43,132 --> 01:11:44,895
My God!
1216
01:11:45,000 --> 01:11:49,164
Have you lost your mind?
Did you just lose it in there?
1217
01:11:58,781 --> 01:12:00,840
You know, I have to ask,
1218
01:12:00,949 --> 01:12:02,974
just how bad is your real family
1219
01:12:03,085 --> 01:12:06,282
that you would rather
spend your Christmas like this?
1220
01:12:16,665 --> 01:12:20,624
There was no real family.
1221
01:12:22,137 --> 01:12:24,799
What do you mean,
"there is no family"?
1222
01:12:24,907 --> 01:12:26,431
You must've had a family.
1223
01:12:26,542 --> 01:12:29,943
I mean, you must've had
a Doo-Dah, right?
1224
01:12:30,045 --> 01:12:32,843
I had a friend whose grandfather,
1225
01:12:32,948 --> 01:12:35,974
was called Doo-Dah.
I always liked that.
1226
01:12:37,419 --> 01:12:41,981
My dad walked out on us on Christmas
1227
01:12:42,091 --> 01:12:43,683
when I was four.
1228
01:12:43,792 --> 01:12:46,192
It was basically
just me and my mom.
1229
01:12:46,295 --> 01:12:52,325
She was a waitress
at the 24-hour coffee shop.
1230
01:12:52,434 --> 01:12:56,928
She didn't have a lot of money,
so when Christmas came around,
1231
01:12:57,039 --> 01:13:01,567
it was an opportunity for her
to take a double shift. She did.
1232
01:13:01,677 --> 01:13:06,114
And, you know,
my Christmases were,
1233
01:13:06,215 --> 01:13:10,675
basically, I just kind of
sat around the house, you know?
1234
01:13:10,786 --> 01:13:12,981
Then at night,
I'd walk down there,
1235
01:13:13,088 --> 01:13:17,491
and Mom would always buy me
a grown-up stack of pancakes,
1236
01:13:17,593 --> 01:13:21,085
and I would sit by myself
at the end of the counter
1237
01:13:21,196 --> 01:13:22,754
and eat 'em.
1238
01:13:22,865 --> 01:13:28,064
I did that for Christmas every year
until I turned 1 8.
1239
01:13:28,170 --> 01:13:31,139
I haven't been able to walk
in a coffee shop since, though.
1240
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:33,003
Where's your mom now?
1241
01:13:33,108 --> 01:13:36,236
Mom died when I was in college.
1242
01:13:37,746 --> 01:13:39,543
I'm sorry.
1243
01:13:41,450 --> 01:13:42,712
[Alicia] You know what?
1244
01:13:42,818 --> 01:13:46,720
There's nothing that you can do
about those Christmases.
1245
01:13:46,822 --> 01:13:49,347
But the one that you
can do something about,
1246
01:13:49,458 --> 01:13:54,589
the one that's here and now, you just
spent that destroying my family.
1247
01:13:54,696 --> 01:13:57,563
Alicia, just for the record,
1248
01:13:57,666 --> 01:13:59,861
I didn't destroy your family.
1249
01:13:59,968 --> 01:14:02,027
What are you talking about?
1250
01:14:02,137 --> 01:14:04,628
Your parents are splitting up.
1251
01:14:04,740 --> 01:14:07,106
It's obvious.
Brian knows it.
1252
01:14:07,209 --> 01:14:11,168
That's why he spends all his time
in his room on his computer.
1253
01:14:11,280 --> 01:14:14,511
You just didn't wanna see it.
I can understand that.
1254
01:14:15,851 --> 01:14:17,842
I'm gonna go get my dad.
1255
01:14:17,953 --> 01:14:19,443
Lock up when you leave.
1256
01:14:42,211 --> 01:14:44,805
Well, all right.
1257
01:15:21,717 --> 01:15:23,378
I forgive you.
1258
01:16:44,533 --> 01:16:47,229
No! No, Spirit! No!
1259
01:16:47,336 --> 01:16:51,397
I will honor Christmas in my heart
and try to keep it all the year.
1260
01:16:51,506 --> 01:16:53,770
[knocking]
1261
01:16:53,875 --> 01:16:56,105
No one's home!
1262
01:16:56,211 --> 01:16:57,542
[knocking]
1263
01:16:57,646 --> 01:16:59,113
[groans]
1264
01:17:01,183 --> 01:17:02,514
What?
1265
01:17:02,618 --> 01:17:03,983
[knocking]
1266
01:17:04,086 --> 01:17:05,951
I hear you.
1267
01:17:08,290 --> 01:17:11,316
- Are you gonna hit me?
- No.
1268
01:17:11,426 --> 01:17:13,951
Are you gonna do something else
that still hurts?
1269
01:17:15,397 --> 01:17:18,230
No. You gonna invite me in?
1270
01:17:18,333 --> 01:17:20,597
You just stopped by
to hang out and catch up?
1271
01:17:20,702 --> 01:17:23,933
- Reminisce?
- You owe me money.
1272
01:17:25,340 --> 01:17:27,934
Right. The money.
1273
01:17:28,043 --> 01:17:30,944
Okay, come on in.
I'll get my checkbook.
1274
01:17:43,992 --> 01:17:48,088
You rented my place
when you could've been staying here?
1275
01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:54,867
Well, I gotta admit, this is nice.
1276
01:17:54,970 --> 01:17:56,301
Thanks.
1277
01:17:57,606 --> 01:18:00,507
You still splitting up with Christine?
1278
01:18:00,609 --> 01:18:03,806
[Tom] Yeah. I guess.
1279
01:18:05,113 --> 01:18:07,411
That would be a shame.
1280
01:18:07,516 --> 01:18:09,074
[laughs]
1281
01:18:10,085 --> 01:18:11,985
What are you laughing at?
1282
01:18:12,087 --> 01:18:15,921
Nothing. It's just ironic.
1283
01:18:16,024 --> 01:18:18,458
I paid all that money
to be part of your family.
1284
01:18:18,560 --> 01:18:21,290
You're giving it away for nothing.
1285
01:18:23,298 --> 01:18:24,492
[Drew] Look at this.
1286
01:18:24,599 --> 01:18:27,363
That's the ticket to Doo-Dah's play.
1287
01:18:27,469 --> 01:18:29,334
Yeah. I got mine too.
1288
01:18:40,082 --> 01:18:43,848
[Tom] I'm not very good at apologizing.
I don't know if they're in there.
1289
01:18:43,952 --> 01:18:45,943
[Drew] Come on.
What do you have to lose?
1290
01:18:49,624 --> 01:18:51,683
[Doo-Dah] What do you want with me?
1291
01:18:51,793 --> 01:18:53,556
[Marley] Much.
1292
01:18:53,662 --> 01:18:55,220
[Doo-Dah] Who are you?
1293
01:18:55,330 --> 01:18:57,890
In life, I was your partner...
1294
01:18:57,999 --> 01:18:59,125
See anybody?
1295
01:18:59,234 --> 01:19:01,134
That's Doo-Dah right there.
1296
01:19:01,236 --> 01:19:03,067
What is the reason
for this visit?
1297
01:19:03,171 --> 01:19:05,731
It is getting late
and I've been hard at work.
1298
01:19:05,841 --> 01:19:07,172
He's not that bad.
1299
01:19:07,275 --> 01:19:09,072
[Marley] To warn you, Ebenezer.
1300
01:19:09,177 --> 01:19:11,270
He's not that good either.
1301
01:19:11,379 --> 01:19:13,279
I'm gonna find Christine.
1302
01:19:13,381 --> 01:19:16,282
[Marley] Learn from me.
1303
01:19:18,453 --> 01:19:21,980
My spirit never walked
beyond our counting house.
1304
01:19:22,090 --> 01:19:28,552
It never roved beyond
our money-changing hole.
1305
01:19:28,663 --> 01:19:30,790
So I am condemned
1306
01:19:30,899 --> 01:19:33,834
to wander through the world
1307
01:19:33,935 --> 01:19:36,961
to see what I might have
shared on Earth,
1308
01:19:37,072 --> 01:19:40,371
then turned to happiness.
1309
01:19:42,043 --> 01:19:43,510
What are you doing here?
1310
01:19:43,612 --> 01:19:46,080
[Doo-Dah] You were always
a good businessman.
1311
01:19:46,181 --> 01:19:48,672
Doo-Dah's family, right?
1312
01:19:51,453 --> 01:19:54,149
Brian. It's me, move over.
1313
01:19:54,256 --> 01:19:57,623
No, man. Go find one
of the other empty seats.
1314
01:19:57,726 --> 01:19:59,887
Move over, Bri. Come on.
1315
01:20:05,934 --> 01:20:08,459
- Where's your sister?
- [both] Shh.
1316
01:20:10,172 --> 01:20:12,902
- Dear Brother!
- Fanny!
1317
01:20:13,008 --> 01:20:15,602
Christine...
1318
01:20:17,546 --> 01:20:20,845
If I were to leave,
I wouldn't even know where to go.
1319
01:20:21,850 --> 01:20:23,545
Then why leave?
1320
01:20:24,986 --> 01:20:27,250
That's what I'm sayin'.
I don't wanna leave.
1321
01:20:27,355 --> 01:20:29,448
Then don't.
1322
01:20:32,194 --> 01:20:35,391
- All right, I won't.
- Okay.
1323
01:20:36,932 --> 01:20:39,901
- Is that all right?
- Yeah.
1324
01:20:40,001 --> 01:20:41,969
It's good.
1325
01:20:49,144 --> 01:20:54,138
Bri, that girl...
She's kinda cute for you.
1326
01:20:54,249 --> 01:20:55,807
- Talk to her.
- Stop it.
1327
01:20:55,917 --> 01:20:59,011
- She's gonna hear.
- I saw you looking at her.
1328
01:20:59,120 --> 01:21:00,917
- Stop.
- I can tell you like...
1329
01:21:01,022 --> 01:21:02,512
I can hear you.
1330
01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:06,020
[chuckling]
1331
01:21:06,127 --> 01:21:07,424
That's embarrassing.
1332
01:21:08,630 --> 01:21:11,724
That's our grandfather.
This is Brian.
1333
01:21:11,833 --> 01:21:14,063
There, Brian.
You're all set.
1334
01:21:19,307 --> 01:21:20,899
I'm sorry.
1335
01:21:22,110 --> 01:21:23,668
Is that your brother?
1336
01:21:25,213 --> 01:21:27,647
Yeah.
1337
01:21:27,749 --> 01:21:30,240
How do we travel exactly?
1338
01:21:30,352 --> 01:21:33,844
Through the air. We fly!
1339
01:21:34,623 --> 01:21:35,681
Not so hard!
1340
01:21:35,790 --> 01:21:37,917
- Wedgie! Wedgie!
- [people laughing]
1341
01:21:58,079 --> 01:22:00,673
[Drew] Alicia?
1342
01:22:00,782 --> 01:22:03,512
- Hey.
- Hey.
1343
01:22:03,618 --> 01:22:06,519
Were you in there
the whole time?
1344
01:22:06,621 --> 01:22:09,317
No. I was just here
to pick up my mom.
1345
01:22:10,859 --> 01:22:15,319
She's in there with your dad.
1346
01:22:15,430 --> 01:22:18,593
They're kinda making out
in the third row.
1347
01:22:18,700 --> 01:22:20,998
- Really?
- Yeah.
1348
01:22:22,237 --> 01:22:24,364
- That's good.
- Look.
1349
01:22:24,472 --> 01:22:28,306
I don't expect you to want
to talk to me or anything,
1350
01:22:28,410 --> 01:22:33,245
so I'm not gonna bother you
and give you a hard time,
1351
01:22:33,348 --> 01:22:36,840
camp outside your place
and stalk you and you know.
1352
01:22:36,952 --> 01:22:38,943
But I do want to say that I'm sorry
1353
01:22:39,054 --> 01:22:42,581
for what I put you through
1354
01:22:42,691 --> 01:22:44,750
and say thank you.
1355
01:22:54,869 --> 01:22:56,769
So who are you renting
for New Year's
1356
01:22:56,871 --> 01:23:00,204
'cause you know, us Valcos,
we book up kind of fast.
1357
01:23:00,308 --> 01:23:02,208
[Drew] I see that.
1358
01:23:02,310 --> 01:23:05,108
And I'd get on it if I were you.
1359
01:23:05,213 --> 01:23:09,149
I'm lookin' for a family
with maybe a bearded,
1360
01:23:09,250 --> 01:23:12,845
irascible dad
with a heart of gold.
1361
01:23:12,954 --> 01:23:19,382
A brother who stays in his room
all the time by himself,
1362
01:23:19,494 --> 01:23:23,760
and a sister who is...
1363
01:23:26,468 --> 01:23:29,801
...wonderful and smart,
1364
01:23:30,805 --> 01:23:33,797
and really beautiful.
1365
01:23:33,908 --> 01:23:38,675
Because I think that's
the kind of person that...
1366
01:23:39,614 --> 01:23:43,675
...I could fall in love with.
1367
01:23:43,785 --> 01:23:47,653
You know anybody like that?
I know it's tough.
1368
01:23:47,756 --> 01:23:48,882
Let me think.
1369
01:23:48,990 --> 01:23:51,083
Not offhand,
but I'll get back to you.
1370
01:23:51,192 --> 01:23:53,126
Let me know.
1371
01:23:53,228 --> 01:23:56,197
[# Judy Garland: Have Yourself
A Merry Little Xhristmas]
1372
01:24:08,343 --> 01:24:12,336
- [Horace] I hear you, dear.
- [Missy] Daddy, stop the car!
1373
01:24:13,148 --> 01:24:14,547
Oh, my God!
1374
01:24:15,483 --> 01:24:17,644
Oh, my God!
1375
01:24:18,420 --> 01:24:19,819
He's kissing his sister.
1376
01:24:21,089 --> 01:24:24,616
- [Letitia] That is open-mouth.
- 'Tis the season to be jolly.
1377
01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:28,059
- [Letitia] Get us out of here!
- [Horace] They're tryin' to keep warm.
1378
01:24:28,163 --> 01:24:30,222
[Letitia] Come on!