1
00:02:14,524 --> 00:02:17,456
My firm's done a tremendous
amount of market research.
2
00:02:17,557 --> 00:02:19,147
We've discovered two things:
3
00:02:19,257 --> 00:02:23,747
One, most Americans feel
that Christmas is a time for family.
4
00:02:23,856 --> 00:02:28,084
Two, most Americans feel that in order
to stand being around their family,
5
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,588
for even one or two days,
6
00:02:29,690 --> 00:02:33,712
they need to swill as much
alcohol as humanly possible.
7
00:02:33,823 --> 00:02:37,051
Now, I'd like you
to meet the Noggertons.
8
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,089
They're a classic American family.
9
00:02:39,190 --> 00:02:41,951
They're together on Christmas,
they're fat-free,
10
00:02:42,056 --> 00:02:43,817
and 1 0 percent alcohol
by volume.
11
00:02:43,923 --> 00:02:48,288
Enjoy our family, so you can
enjoy your family.
12
00:02:48,389 --> 00:02:49,753
What do you think?
13
00:02:49,856 --> 00:02:54,050
So, you're suggesting we tell people
the only way to get through the holidays
14
00:02:54,157 --> 00:02:56,554
is to drink spiked egg nog?
15
00:02:56,656 --> 00:02:59,178
I'm suggesting the only way
to get through the holidays
16
00:02:59,289 --> 00:03:02,847
is to buy your farm-fresh, fat-free,
pre-spiked egg nog in a bottle.
17
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:09,150
- Take care. All right.
- It's all good. How do you do it?
18
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:11,916
I'm very excited.
I look forward to it.
19
00:03:12,022 --> 00:03:13,648
It went pretty well, huh?
20
00:03:13,756 --> 00:03:15,051
I'm a genius.
21
00:03:15,156 --> 00:03:17,748
I feel like I could sell
whale steaks to Greenpeace.
22
00:03:17,855 --> 00:03:19,185
Nice image.
23
00:03:19,289 --> 00:03:22,278
- Here are your tickets to Fiji.
- Ah.
24
00:03:31,122 --> 00:03:33,179
[Drew] Missy, we've been
dating a while.
25
00:03:33,289 --> 00:03:35,652
Let's take our relationship
to the next level.
26
00:03:35,755 --> 00:03:37,721
[Missy] I've hoped you would say that.
27
00:03:37,822 --> 00:03:40,447
[Drew] I got you a little
pre-Christmas Christmas gift.
28
00:03:40,555 --> 00:03:42,215
[Missy] Yeah?
29
00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:47,310
I want you to open it now
because it involves our future.
30
00:03:47,421 --> 00:03:50,581
The future of you and me together.
31
00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:53,586
It's kind of for both of us,
in that way.
32
00:03:55,555 --> 00:03:57,646
[gasps]
33
00:03:57,755 --> 00:03:59,380
[breathless] Okay.
34
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,320
Tickets to Fiji?
35
00:04:08,421 --> 00:04:10,751
Yes. First class.
36
00:04:10,854 --> 00:04:12,411
Drew, on Christmas?
37
00:04:12,522 --> 00:04:15,215
Christmas is the family holiday.
38
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:19,219
I mean, what are we doing? What is this?
I mean, what is going on?
39
00:04:19,321 --> 00:04:21,752
Where is this relationship headed?
40
00:04:22,787 --> 00:04:25,413
Fiji. First class.
41
00:04:25,521 --> 00:04:29,147
- Missy?
- Uh-uh. Okay.
42
00:04:29,255 --> 00:04:31,413
Here's an example
of one of our problems.
43
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:35,351
You never introduced me to your family.
You never mentioned your family.
44
00:04:35,454 --> 00:04:36,818
Do you even have a family?
45
00:04:36,921 --> 00:04:41,376
How can you be serious about me,
if you're not serious about your family?
46
00:04:41,487 --> 00:04:44,045
You need to get some
serious help, Drew.
47
00:04:44,154 --> 00:04:46,018
I think you're missing the point.
48
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:49,917
If I told you everything about me,
there'd be no more sense of mystery.
49
00:04:50,021 --> 00:04:51,418
Nothing left to discover.
50
00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:54,214
With nothing left to discover,
a relationship dies.
51
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,616
You don't want this to die, do you?
52
00:04:56,721 --> 00:04:59,118
It just did.
53
00:05:01,254 --> 00:05:03,947
Come on. Don't be like that.
54
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:06,349
You're gonna be like that?
Go ahead. Go.
55
00:05:06,454 --> 00:05:08,851
I'm going to spend Christmas
with my family.
56
00:05:08,953 --> 00:05:10,942
You can spend Christmas alone.
57
00:05:14,554 --> 00:05:16,144
[Drew] Missy.
58
00:05:35,386 --> 00:05:40,648
Kathryn, I need you to get
a Cartier bracelet to send to Missy.
59
00:05:40,753 --> 00:05:43,742
Something expensive,
a lot of diamonds, very flashy.
60
00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:47,478
- lnclude a personal note from me.
- What exactly do you want it to say?
61
00:05:47,586 --> 00:05:51,313
Something personal that shows
the depth of my feelings, my emotions.
62
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:55,476
- You're good. That's why I hired you.
- Okay, but it's not gonna work.
63
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,179
My man.
64
00:06:04,019 --> 00:06:06,042
Oh, Dougie!
65
00:06:06,153 --> 00:06:08,142
Doogan. Doog-ray.
66
00:06:08,253 --> 00:06:10,082
Douglas.
67
00:06:10,186 --> 00:06:12,084
It's Drew.
68
00:06:12,186 --> 00:06:13,947
Drew Latham.
[chuckles]
69
00:06:14,052 --> 00:06:15,779
Yeah. What's up, man?
70
00:06:15,886 --> 00:06:18,681
What are you up?
Ah, nothin', nothin'.
71
00:06:18,785 --> 00:06:22,013
Hey, man,
what're you doing for Christmas?
72
00:06:22,119 --> 00:06:25,209
Family? Nice. Nice call.
73
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:28,046
Uh, you got room for one more?
74
00:06:29,086 --> 00:06:32,313
Well, I think we are that close.
75
00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:38,214
I love Jewish Christ...
I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.
76
00:06:38,318 --> 00:06:41,842
It'll be great,
a matzo ball soup and baklava.
77
00:06:41,951 --> 00:06:45,611
All right, well, that's Greek.
Fine, whatever. I'm just...
78
00:06:45,719 --> 00:06:46,843
You still there?
79
00:06:48,352 --> 00:06:51,250
I know you have a baby.
I'm just saying, like, you know,
80
00:06:51,352 --> 00:06:54,614
they just lie there
and crap themselves, right?
81
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:57,184
After a while,
how interesting is that?
82
00:06:57,285 --> 00:07:00,274
No, I'm not saying anything bad.
I'm just sayin'...
83
00:07:00,385 --> 00:07:02,112
Huh?
84
00:07:02,218 --> 00:07:04,979
Well, maybe, your wife
doesn't have to come, man.
85
00:07:05,085 --> 00:07:07,051
Maybe it's me and you
for Christmas.
86
00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:08,674
You ever think about that?
87
00:07:11,618 --> 00:07:15,550
Would you mind if I came by
to your house and spent Christmas?
88
00:07:15,651 --> 00:07:19,743
It's like one or two, three days, tops.
89
00:07:19,851 --> 00:07:22,010
[pen scratching]
90
00:08:09,783 --> 00:08:12,214
[sighs] All right.
91
00:08:12,316 --> 00:08:14,908
Merry Christmas.
92
00:08:17,984 --> 00:08:20,313
[jet engines roaring]
93
00:08:21,550 --> 00:08:24,277
[man] Okay, right over here.
Everybody stay together.
94
00:08:24,383 --> 00:08:27,076
All real good.
Okay, you've got Tu-Tu...
95
00:08:27,183 --> 00:08:30,149
[Drew] Doctor Freeman!
Thank God, I found you.
96
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:31,739
[Freeman] Sir, sir...
97
00:08:31,849 --> 00:08:35,213
I gotta spend Christmas alone.
I'm having a panic attack.
98
00:08:35,316 --> 00:08:38,441
- You gotta help me. Please!
- Who are you? I don't know you.
99
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:40,777
I'm the boyfriend
of one of your patients.
100
00:08:40,883 --> 00:08:42,509
- You are?
- Missy Vangilder.
101
00:08:42,616 --> 00:08:45,378
[laughing] You're Drew.
You're Drew. Oh, God.
102
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,971
- What does that mean?
- I'm not allowed to say.
103
00:08:48,083 --> 00:08:50,810
- How did you find me?
- I bribed a woman at your service.
104
00:08:50,916 --> 00:08:54,314
She should raise her standards
or you gotta fire her.
105
00:08:54,415 --> 00:08:56,109
She totally caved for 200 bucks.
106
00:08:56,216 --> 00:08:58,079
- Whatever.
- I need a few minutes.
107
00:08:58,183 --> 00:09:00,546
[Freeman] Backpacks on the belt.
Game Boy too.
108
00:09:00,649 --> 00:09:03,877
You gotta help me out.
I don't wanna spend Christmas alone.
109
00:09:03,983 --> 00:09:05,209
If you would just please!
110
00:09:05,315 --> 00:09:07,213
She's gotta put
the bear on the belt.
111
00:09:07,315 --> 00:09:08,804
Can't she walk it through?
112
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,643
She's got to put it on the belt.
113
00:09:10,749 --> 00:09:12,738
- It's a puppy!
- I know it's a puppy.
114
00:09:12,849 --> 00:09:14,747
Put Tu-Tu on
and she'll go for a ride.
115
00:09:14,849 --> 00:09:17,178
- My Tu-Tu!
- I need one second.
116
00:09:17,282 --> 00:09:18,543
If you could just please!
117
00:09:18,649 --> 00:09:22,081
- Okay, gimme the puppy.
- Sir, I need you to step here.
118
00:09:22,182 --> 00:09:26,773
- [Drew] You're abusing your child.
- Can you see I've got my own problems?
119
00:09:26,882 --> 00:09:29,814
- Whoa, whoa, now.
- I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
120
00:09:29,915 --> 00:09:33,972
Okay. Okay.
Hey, I know.
121
00:09:34,082 --> 00:09:36,344
- Heard it on the radio once.
- All right.
122
00:09:36,449 --> 00:09:39,381
Write down your grievances
about your family on paper.
123
00:09:39,481 --> 00:09:41,141
- All your grievances.
- Right.
124
00:09:41,249 --> 00:09:44,044
Go someplace that reminds you
of your childhood,
125
00:09:44,149 --> 00:09:46,706
at sunset and light
that piece of paper on fire.
126
00:09:46,815 --> 00:09:50,406
As the last shred of paper
is burning away, you whisper,
127
00:09:50,515 --> 00:09:51,742
"l forgive you."
128
00:09:51,848 --> 00:09:53,814
- "l forgive you."
- Mm-hm.
129
00:09:53,915 --> 00:09:56,108
- And it burns up.
- That's it.
130
00:09:56,214 --> 00:09:57,407
I like it.
131
00:09:57,515 --> 00:09:59,481
- Oh, thanks so much!
- Whoa! All right.
132
00:09:59,581 --> 00:10:02,206
- Have a good vaca.
- Where's my daughter?
133
00:10:02,314 --> 00:10:03,405
- [beeping]
- Sir?
134
00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,037
Huh? Oh, there she is.
135
00:10:05,148 --> 00:10:07,978
Whoa! Hey! Come on out!
Come out for Daddy!
136
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:23,279
My grievances.
137
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,472
Okay, buddy, here we go.
That'll be $72.50.
138
00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:43,273
My God!
139
00:10:43,380 --> 00:10:45,074
That's it!
140
00:10:45,181 --> 00:10:47,147
That's the house I grew up in.
141
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:50,304
How's the $72.50 comin'?
142
00:10:50,413 --> 00:10:53,402
Good. It's comin' good.
143
00:10:53,514 --> 00:10:55,377
Keep the meter running.
144
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,046
- [Tom] Almost out of salami.
- [Christine] No.
145
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:22,772
Well, thank you for telling me.
146
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,573
- I don't wanna run out, that's all.
- God forbid.
147
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:27,611
- Did Brian eat?
- I don't know.
148
00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:30,145
[shouting] Get down here
and eat your dinner.
149
00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:32,906
- I'm not hungry!
- [Tom] Yeah, you are!
150
00:11:33,013 --> 00:11:35,706
[Christine] Stop yelling at me.
151
00:11:35,813 --> 00:11:37,369
[Tom] I'm not yelling at you.
152
00:11:38,147 --> 00:11:40,635
Brian!
153
00:11:42,946 --> 00:11:44,411
[shouting] Brian!
154
00:11:44,513 --> 00:11:48,570
Get down here please, so your father
can stop not yelling at me!
155
00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:50,542
I'm busy!
156
00:11:50,646 --> 00:11:52,874
We shouldn't have put
the computer in his room.
157
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,877
He's gonna spend
all his time there.
158
00:11:54,979 --> 00:11:57,275
Oh, Tom.
Welcome to the future, dear.
159
00:11:57,379 --> 00:11:58,844
He's advancing his skills.
160
00:11:58,945 --> 00:12:02,070
One day that computer's
gonna get our baby a good job.
161
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,168
[beeping]
162
00:12:04,279 --> 00:12:06,836
[music plays, woman's voice]
163
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:11,839
Trust me. What he's doin',
nobody's gonna pay for,
164
00:12:11,945 --> 00:12:14,740
'cause if they did,
I'd have retired at 1 7.
165
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:21,901
- [Tom] What?
- There's a guy out there.
166
00:12:22,012 --> 00:12:23,944
Who the hell is that?
167
00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:38,306
[Drew] All right. Alone on Christmas.
I can do this.
168
00:12:38,411 --> 00:12:43,867
[sighs] I rid myself
of all my grievances.
169
00:12:43,978 --> 00:12:46,103
Be gone, grievances.
170
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:51,038
What the...
171
00:12:53,345 --> 00:12:54,504
I forgive you.
172
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,742
Holy Moly. This joker.
173
00:13:00,844 --> 00:13:02,605
[tires screeching]
174
00:13:24,377 --> 00:13:27,037
What are the neighbors gonna think?
175
00:13:27,144 --> 00:13:30,702
Unless they want to get hit, they
shouldn't be burning crap in my yard.
176
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:32,504
Is he still breathing?
177
00:13:34,511 --> 00:13:36,773
Dear God, Tom.
You've killed the man.
178
00:13:36,878 --> 00:13:38,900
Oh, shit! He's still alive!
179
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:41,976
[groaning] Hello.
180
00:13:43,444 --> 00:13:44,569
[whimpers]
181
00:13:47,177 --> 00:13:50,541
My name is Drew Latham.
[chuckles]
182
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:54,376
I grew up in this house.
183
00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:57,601
That's why you came back and
tried to burn it down, Pyroboy?
184
00:13:57,710 --> 00:13:59,767
- Brian, call the cops.
- Oh, no, no, no!
185
00:13:59,877 --> 00:14:03,468
That won't be necessary. That's fine.
I was just outside burning,
186
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:06,099
someone told me to burn
a list of my grievances
187
00:14:06,210 --> 00:14:09,664
outside of the home of my birth
to help me with loneliness issues.
188
00:14:09,776 --> 00:14:12,140
- So, it's all fine.
- Oh.
189
00:14:12,243 --> 00:14:16,198
Any-hoo, apologies
and I'm gonna go.
190
00:14:16,309 --> 00:14:19,639
Would you mind terribly
if I took a look-see around the house?
191
00:14:19,743 --> 00:14:22,140
- I'll give you a tour.
- [Drew] Oh, thank you.
192
00:14:22,243 --> 00:14:24,641
Hold on.
193
00:14:24,743 --> 00:14:27,402
- You got any more matches?
- No. No, no, no.
194
00:14:27,510 --> 00:14:28,907
Are we done with all that?
195
00:14:29,009 --> 00:14:30,373
Yes. The burning. Yes.
196
00:14:30,476 --> 00:14:33,033
It's completely done.
I'm actually better.
197
00:14:33,143 --> 00:14:34,507
I'm watching you.
198
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:40,905
Wow. I can't believe it!
199
00:14:41,009 --> 00:14:43,634
This is amazing!
It's exactly how I remember it.
200
00:14:43,742 --> 00:14:48,107
- You mean it was always a shithole?
- No. No, it's great.
201
00:14:54,076 --> 00:14:55,735
[squeak]
202
00:14:55,842 --> 00:14:58,706
- Did you hear that?
- [squeaking]
203
00:14:58,809 --> 00:15:01,105
That stair squeaked.
204
00:15:01,209 --> 00:15:03,868
Do you know what we
used to call that squeaky stair?
205
00:15:03,976 --> 00:15:07,033
"The squeaky stair."
[laughing]
206
00:15:07,143 --> 00:15:10,336
- [squeaking]
- [laughing]
207
00:15:18,742 --> 00:15:22,469
Wow. My old room.
208
00:15:22,575 --> 00:15:23,972
My God.
209
00:15:24,075 --> 00:15:27,269
Hey, look at that!
I can touch the ceiling.
210
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:30,738
It's much smaller than I remember it.
Did you do something?
211
00:15:30,841 --> 00:15:33,535
Yeah. We had it reduced.
212
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:37,096
Cost a lot, but yeah,
I think it was...
213
00:15:37,208 --> 00:15:38,639
I think it was worth it.
214
00:15:38,741 --> 00:15:40,934
Man, this is great.
Man, this is the best.
215
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:44,473
You guys sittin' around
eatin' dinner like a family.
216
00:15:44,574 --> 00:15:47,506
I always wanted that.
This is really wonderful.
217
00:15:49,175 --> 00:15:50,401
[Brian] Wonderful.
218
00:15:50,508 --> 00:15:52,633
So, what's for dessert?
219
00:15:52,741 --> 00:15:55,366
- Kitchen's closed.
- Aw.
220
00:15:55,474 --> 00:15:57,463
- Yeah, I got things to do.
- Ah, boy.
221
00:15:57,574 --> 00:15:59,938
Tom, why don't you
see the man out?
222
00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:02,632
I didn't want to let him in.
I'll call you a cab.
223
00:16:02,741 --> 00:16:04,673
Is that necessary?
224
00:16:04,774 --> 00:16:06,034
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
225
00:16:06,141 --> 00:16:08,664
But you know, man,
I gotta tell ya,
226
00:16:08,774 --> 00:16:11,296
all these years I've been
avoiding Christmas,
227
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:15,601
and I just realized,
this is what I've been longing for.
228
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,969
A real family, you know?
In a true home.
229
00:16:19,074 --> 00:16:21,700
That's why I'm thinking
230
00:16:21,807 --> 00:16:24,705
it might be a good idea
if I lived with you.
231
00:16:24,807 --> 00:16:26,932
- [Drew grunts]
- [door slams]
232
00:16:59,073 --> 00:17:01,767
[Drew knocking] Tom! Tom!
233
00:17:03,173 --> 00:17:05,537
Tom, please!
Please let me stay here!
234
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,606
No.
235
00:17:06,707 --> 00:17:09,605
- I'll pay you.
- My family's not for sale, pal.
236
00:17:09,707 --> 00:17:12,400
Tom, I'll pay you $250,000.
237
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,696
Welcome home, son.
238
00:17:16,306 --> 00:17:18,272
[splashing]
239
00:17:18,373 --> 00:17:19,895
Mom.
240
00:17:25,373 --> 00:17:27,600
Tom, that guy is still here.
241
00:17:27,706 --> 00:17:30,467
- Yeah, I know.
- Why is he still here?
242
00:17:32,273 --> 00:17:35,864
He's givin' us $250,000
to be his family for Christmas.
243
00:17:35,973 --> 00:17:39,201
And you agreed to this?
Without asking me?
244
00:17:39,305 --> 00:17:42,931
Of course I did.
He's giving us $250,000.
245
00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:46,096
How would you like it if l
agreed to this without asking you?
246
00:17:46,205 --> 00:17:49,171
Well, that would depend.
Would we be getting $250,000?
247
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,996
Okay. What exactly
did you agree to?
248
00:17:58,038 --> 00:17:59,299
[sighs]
249
00:18:06,372 --> 00:18:08,235
It's a big day for this family.
250
00:18:08,339 --> 00:18:10,168
- Very well.
- All right.
251
00:18:10,272 --> 00:18:14,136
Mr. Latham agrees
to pay the sum of $250,000
252
00:18:14,239 --> 00:18:19,762
to the Valcos for services rendered
until 1 1 :59 pm on Christmas Day.
253
00:18:19,872 --> 00:18:22,633
And for said sum, the Valco family
254
00:18:22,738 --> 00:18:26,034
will aid Mr. Latham in recapturing
255
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:29,196
those childhood Christmas memories,
256
00:18:29,304 --> 00:18:31,964
- including, but not limited to,
- [sighs]
257
00:18:32,072 --> 00:18:36,663
all due festiveness, celebrations,
various and sundry merriments,
258
00:18:36,771 --> 00:18:38,862
and yuletide glee.
259
00:18:38,972 --> 00:18:41,029
Agreed!
260
00:18:41,138 --> 00:18:43,036
Agreed, right?
261
00:18:43,138 --> 00:18:45,366
Fakin' it anyway.
Might as well get paid.
262
00:18:45,471 --> 00:18:47,232
Will there be anything else?
263
00:18:47,338 --> 00:18:49,531
Oh, yeah. I gotta sleep
in Brian's room.
264
00:18:49,638 --> 00:18:52,627
What? No.
Where is this going here?
265
00:18:52,738 --> 00:18:55,931
Like it says in the contract.
I get to sleep in my old room.
266
00:18:56,037 --> 00:18:59,935
Oh, come on. Creepy grievance guy
wants to sleep in my room?
267
00:19:00,037 --> 00:19:03,901
If I wanted that, I'd use a bus ticket
those guys send me on the lnternet.
268
00:19:04,004 --> 00:19:06,936
I just wanna sleep in my room,
like it says in the contract.
269
00:19:07,037 --> 00:19:09,128
Brian, you're in the guest room.
270
00:19:09,238 --> 00:19:13,295
My computer's not in the guest room.
How am I supposed to... study?
271
00:19:13,404 --> 00:19:15,267
Use your imagination.
272
00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:18,064
Well, I'm gonna
catch some shut-eye.
273
00:19:18,171 --> 00:19:22,228
Who wants to go Christmas tree
shopping with me in the morning?
274
00:19:25,071 --> 00:19:27,593
Apparently, you all do.
275
00:19:27,704 --> 00:19:27,804
[birds chirping]
276
00:19:27,804 --> 00:19:29,963
[birds chirping]
277
00:19:33,837 --> 00:19:35,700
[yawns]
278
00:19:48,170 --> 00:19:49,965
I'm home.
279
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:04,965
Oh!
280
00:20:06,036 --> 00:20:08,059
[Christine] Brian? Brian!
281
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:09,999
[Brian] I didn't do it.
282
00:20:10,103 --> 00:20:11,296
[Drew] It's all right.
283
00:20:11,402 --> 00:20:15,233
[chuckling] I'll fix it.
I'll fix it. Ow.
284
00:20:22,070 --> 00:20:24,968
[Tom] Well, that should do it,
assuming no other idiot...
285
00:20:31,669 --> 00:20:33,032
Is he eatin' my salami?
286
00:20:33,136 --> 00:20:35,261
That's what it looks like.
287
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:41,499
- It's 9:00 in the mornin'.
- Oh, I know. It's not breakfast food,
288
00:20:41,603 --> 00:20:43,932
but it was lookin' good.
I had to dog some.
289
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:46,593
Yeah, it is good.
290
00:20:46,702 --> 00:20:49,827
- Is that the last of it?
- Yep.
291
00:21:01,902 --> 00:21:04,891
Oh. You didn't want some, did ya?
292
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:07,661
No. It's all right.
It's fine, it's fine.
293
00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:09,256
Ah.
294
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,232
[Drew] Kathryn, I hope
you're checking messages.
295
00:21:14,335 --> 00:21:16,995
Should anyone need to reach me,
they can call my cell.
296
00:21:17,101 --> 00:21:18,624
If you need to send anything,
297
00:21:18,735 --> 00:21:23,292
the address is 2 Edgewood Road
in Lincoln Wood, lllinois.
298
00:21:23,401 --> 00:21:25,333
Stayin' with my family.
299
00:21:26,602 --> 00:21:27,727
Hey, Dad?
300
00:21:30,635 --> 00:21:32,964
He's talkin' to you, genius.
301
00:21:34,435 --> 00:21:36,333
Yeah, Drew?
302
00:21:37,934 --> 00:21:41,923
Would you do me a kindness?
Put this hat on.
303
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:45,262
My dad used to wear a Santa hat
when we went Christmas tree shopping.
304
00:21:45,368 --> 00:21:46,391
[laughter]
305
00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:48,297
- In public?
- Yeah.
306
00:21:48,401 --> 00:21:49,923
That would be no.
307
00:21:50,034 --> 00:21:53,262
And in private,
that would be no, too.
308
00:21:53,367 --> 00:21:54,993
Please wear the hat.
309
00:21:56,168 --> 00:21:58,360
No. I'm not wearing the hat.
310
00:21:58,467 --> 00:22:00,592
Tom, you gotta wear the hat.
311
00:22:00,701 --> 00:22:03,099
- I'm not wearin' the hat.
- Wear the hat, Tom.
312
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,962
Now get it away from me
before I shove it up your ass.
313
00:22:08,434 --> 00:22:11,991
Tom, are you familiar
with the phrase "breach of contract?"
314
00:22:16,701 --> 00:22:20,133
- Give me the hat.
- All right.
315
00:22:20,234 --> 00:22:24,564
$250,000. $250,000.
316
00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:27,791
- $250,000.
- [Brian chuckling]
317
00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:29,332
You're lookin' good, Dad.
318
00:22:29,434 --> 00:22:31,195
- [Christine] Tom!
- Shut up!
319
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:33,129
Eyes on the road.
On the road. Dad.
320
00:22:33,234 --> 00:22:34,790
- Gimme your leg.
- [screeching]
321
00:22:34,967 --> 00:22:36,830
[Drew] No.
322
00:22:40,633 --> 00:22:42,428
Nope.
323
00:22:42,533 --> 00:22:44,227
Oh, wait a minute.
324
00:22:44,334 --> 00:22:46,232
This could be it.
This could be it.
325
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:48,629
Yep. This is it.
This is the one.
326
00:22:48,733 --> 00:22:50,961
[Drew] You're good.
Excuse me, folks.
327
00:22:51,967 --> 00:22:56,865
Dad, you wanna lift that up,
have respect for the tree? No?
328
00:22:56,967 --> 00:22:59,592
It's gonna be in our house, so...
329
00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:02,393
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are we going with this?
330
00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:06,956
All right. Let's get that baby up there,
hoist that up.
331
00:23:07,066 --> 00:23:09,498
- Get that on the roof.
- [Tom grunts]
332
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,327
All righty.
333
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:13,333
[Drew] That's pretty good. All right!
You got it. There you go.
334
00:23:13,333 --> 00:23:14,992
[Drew] That's pretty good. All right!
You got it. There you go.
335
00:23:15,099 --> 00:23:16,962
Get around it.
Get around on it.
336
00:23:17,066 --> 00:23:18,259
[Tom straining]
337
00:23:18,366 --> 00:23:21,763
Brian, get your skinny little ass
out of the car!
338
00:23:21,866 --> 00:23:23,627
[Drew] You got it, Dad.
You got it.
339
00:23:23,732 --> 00:23:25,255
You got it.
340
00:23:25,366 --> 00:23:29,025
Nice one. All right, I think it's good.
I think it's good like that.
341
00:23:29,133 --> 00:23:32,099
Whoo! Christmas time.
342
00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:40,598
- [Drew] How's it look?
- [Brian] It could trigger a seizure.
343
00:23:40,699 --> 00:23:43,222
I know.
Wait till you see it lit up.
344
00:23:43,332 --> 00:23:44,628
I thought it was lit up.
345
00:23:44,732 --> 00:23:45,857
Oh no, no, no.
346
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:49,489
We gotta sing Christmas Tree first.
Tom, you take the lead.
347
00:23:50,332 --> 00:23:53,127
- You want me to sing?
- Yeah.
348
00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:56,289
Do I have to?
349
00:23:56,398 --> 00:23:57,694
Yeah.
350
00:23:58,432 --> 00:24:00,954
Would it make any difference
if I didn't want to?
351
00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:02,156
Not really.
352
00:24:04,565 --> 00:24:06,394
Come on.
353
00:24:08,432 --> 00:24:10,455
# Oh, Christmas tree #
354
00:24:10,565 --> 00:24:13,030
Christine, you wanna
help me out here a little?
355
00:24:13,132 --> 00:24:15,098
No, you're doin' great.
356
00:24:15,198 --> 00:24:19,153
You're doin' good, Dad.
Come on. You can do it.
357
00:24:22,564 --> 00:24:26,361
[both] # Oh, Christmas tree
Oh, Christmas tree
358
00:24:26,464 --> 00:24:29,897
# You stand in woodland beauty
359
00:24:29,998 --> 00:24:31,793
# You are as green
360
00:24:31,898 --> 00:24:33,727
- # As winter snow
- # As summer snow
361
00:24:33,831 --> 00:24:36,093
- Winter snow.
- # Winter snow
362
00:24:36,198 --> 00:24:39,721
# As in summer's brightest glow
363
00:24:39,831 --> 00:24:45,058
# Oh, Christmas tree
Oh, Christmas tree
364
00:24:45,164 --> 00:24:50,324
# You stand in woodland beauty
365
00:24:50,431 --> 00:24:52,124
# Ahhh #
366
00:24:52,231 --> 00:24:53,458
That was great.
367
00:24:53,564 --> 00:24:56,052
- [Drew] That was good.
- [Tom] That was, yeah.
368
00:24:56,164 --> 00:24:57,130
All right.
369
00:24:57,231 --> 00:25:02,027
Without further ado, let's fire it up.
Ready? One, two...
370
00:25:02,131 --> 00:25:04,359
- [knocking]
- [groans]
371
00:25:04,464 --> 00:25:06,861
All right, people.
Take five. I'll deal with this.
372
00:25:06,964 --> 00:25:08,793
Thank Christ.
373
00:25:10,397 --> 00:25:11,760
Can I help you?
374
00:25:13,897 --> 00:25:16,386
Yeah. Who are you?
375
00:25:16,497 --> 00:25:18,123
Um, who are you?
376
00:25:18,231 --> 00:25:19,924
[Christine] Alicia!
377
00:25:20,030 --> 00:25:22,258
Hey, Mom. Hi. Who's this?
378
00:25:22,363 --> 00:25:24,556
Mom, who is this?
379
00:25:24,663 --> 00:25:26,356
Okay, what's going on?
380
00:25:26,463 --> 00:25:29,725
Dad's rented us for the holidays
to this eccentric millionaire.
381
00:25:29,830 --> 00:25:33,193
[Drew] You have a daughter?
Since when do you have a daughter?
382
00:25:33,296 --> 00:25:36,558
- It's her terrible secret.
- This is gonna ruin everything.
383
00:25:36,663 --> 00:25:39,128
- The whole bit doesn't work.
- Ruin? Know what?
384
00:25:39,230 --> 00:25:43,094
Shh. Will somebody say something
that makes some sense right now?
385
00:25:43,196 --> 00:25:45,458
Well, around Christmas,
I get anxiety...
386
00:25:45,563 --> 00:25:47,892
No, no. You stop talking. Mom?
387
00:25:47,996 --> 00:25:51,190
Drew wants a family Christmas,
so we're gonna be his family.
388
00:25:51,296 --> 00:25:53,057
- That's insane.
- Tell me about it.
389
00:25:53,163 --> 00:25:55,890
I never had a sister,
so this is bullshit right here.
390
00:25:55,996 --> 00:25:58,519
Okay. You are my
illegitimate love child.
391
00:25:58,630 --> 00:26:00,993
- Mom!
- And you had no idea about her.
392
00:26:01,096 --> 00:26:02,994
That could be good.
You know what?
393
00:26:03,096 --> 00:26:05,392
- She could be the maid!
- Okay. Enough.
394
00:26:05,497 --> 00:26:07,224
Hey, my baby's home.
395
00:26:07,330 --> 00:26:09,159
- Hi, Daddy.
- How are you, Lissi?
396
00:26:09,263 --> 00:26:12,524
Hi. I'm good.
You've obviously lost your mind.
397
00:26:12,629 --> 00:26:15,152
Can I talk to you
in the dining room, please?
398
00:26:15,263 --> 00:26:16,387
You knew about this?
399
00:26:16,496 --> 00:26:18,985
- Stay away from my daughter.
- Okay, Mom?
400
00:26:19,096 --> 00:26:21,119
- This guy is obviously crazy.
- I know.
401
00:26:21,229 --> 00:26:23,525
So, I'm gonna go upstairs,
and take a bath,
402
00:26:23,629 --> 00:26:26,891
and when I wake up in the morning,
he's gonna be gone, right?
403
00:26:26,996 --> 00:26:28,222
Maybe.
404
00:26:28,329 --> 00:26:30,955
I'm not gonna be a good sport
about this, Mom.
405
00:26:31,062 --> 00:26:33,528
Oh, darling, we'd never
expect you to be.
406
00:26:35,062 --> 00:26:36,619
Thanks.
407
00:26:36,729 --> 00:26:39,286
[Drew] Come on, Mom!
It's tree time!
408
00:26:44,062 --> 00:26:45,255
[Drew] Okey-dokey.
409
00:26:45,362 --> 00:26:47,725
All right.
We're back on track.
410
00:26:51,895 --> 00:26:53,156
Yeah.
411
00:26:54,295 --> 00:26:56,454
Okay.
412
00:26:56,561 --> 00:27:00,721
Here we go.
One, two, three!
413
00:27:03,295 --> 00:27:05,783
[Drew] Now it feels like Christmas.
414
00:27:05,895 --> 00:27:08,360
[Brian] I can smell
my eyeballs burning.
415
00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:11,450
[Drew] Very important.
Don't look directly at the tree.
416
00:27:11,628 --> 00:27:13,185
[dog barking]
417
00:27:21,394 --> 00:27:22,724
- Brian!
- What?
418
00:27:22,828 --> 00:27:24,760
Wake up!
It's your brother, kind of!
419
00:27:24,862 --> 00:27:27,157
It's snowing outside!
It's a snow day!
420
00:27:28,528 --> 00:27:29,959
Why are you waking me up?
421
00:27:30,061 --> 00:27:32,425
I don't want you
to miss the fun, man!
422
00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:35,452
What fun?
423
00:27:35,561 --> 00:27:39,754
[Drew] Oh! Facial! Iceball!
Whoo! Ha ha!
424
00:27:39,861 --> 00:27:41,884
Look out! Oh!
425
00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:43,653
Right in the nuts!
In the nuts!
426
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,726
- I can't feel my toes.
- Here he comes.
427
00:27:45,827 --> 00:27:48,918
The look of vengeance.
Eye of the tiger.
428
00:27:49,027 --> 00:27:50,890
Oh, oh.
Now he's getting furious.
429
00:27:50,994 --> 00:27:52,823
Whoo! Whoo!
430
00:27:53,961 --> 00:27:56,359
- Whoo!
- [door closing]
431
00:27:59,027 --> 00:28:02,084
- What's up, Tom?
- Brian, go inside.
432
00:28:03,128 --> 00:28:05,923
See you later, Bri.
It was fun.
433
00:28:06,027 --> 00:28:07,890
You like throwing snowballs?
434
00:28:07,994 --> 00:28:10,255
I was just havin' a good time.
You know.
435
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,553
Yeah. Throw one at me.
436
00:28:12,660 --> 00:28:14,922
That's cool.
Don't worry about it.
437
00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:16,549
We're kinda finished now.
438
00:28:16,660 --> 00:28:18,785
Come on.
Like you said, it'll be fun.
439
00:28:18,894 --> 00:28:21,689
It's getting a little chilly.
I don't wanna bother.
440
00:28:21,794 --> 00:28:24,624
- Don't worry about it.
- Ah, come on. Throw it.
441
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,388
All right, I'll throw one,
I'll throw one.
442
00:28:34,926 --> 00:28:36,789
Good one.
443
00:28:38,460 --> 00:28:39,823
Now it's my turn.
444
00:28:42,260 --> 00:28:44,089
No!
445
00:28:47,260 --> 00:28:48,850
That was great.
446
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,119
Any time you wanna do that,
let me know.
447
00:28:51,227 --> 00:28:53,125
We said no iceballs, man.
448
00:28:53,227 --> 00:28:54,988
Oh, did we?
449
00:28:56,226 --> 00:28:57,658
Morning, Mom.
450
00:28:57,759 --> 00:28:59,384
Freak.
451
00:29:01,126 --> 00:29:02,217
You know what?
452
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:06,585
We may have gotten off
on the wrong track.
453
00:29:06,693 --> 00:29:07,989
We should start over.
454
00:29:08,092 --> 00:29:09,922
- Here you go, Drew.
- Thanks, Mom.
455
00:29:10,025 --> 00:29:11,923
- Mmm.
- Problem?
456
00:29:12,025 --> 00:29:15,549
My real mom puts marshmallows
in the hot chocolate.
457
00:29:15,659 --> 00:29:18,750
Know what I was thinking?
If you don't wanna play my sister,
458
00:29:18,859 --> 00:29:21,848
maybe you could be, like,
a wonderful, mysterious
459
00:29:21,959 --> 00:29:24,754
Ecuadorean cleaning lady.
You know?
460
00:29:24,859 --> 00:29:27,723
Or Swedish cleaning lady.
The ethnicity's not important.
461
00:29:27,825 --> 00:29:30,417
But cleaning lady's good.
Oh. Mmm.
462
00:29:30,526 --> 00:29:31,991
What?
463
00:29:32,092 --> 00:29:35,149
My real mom used the
mini-marshmallows. Sorry.
464
00:29:35,259 --> 00:29:39,850
Speaking of your mom, why aren't you
annoying your own family?
465
00:29:39,959 --> 00:29:42,925
That's not really your business,
is it, Consuela?
466
00:29:49,725 --> 00:29:51,884
[Drew] Ho, ho, ho!
467
00:29:51,992 --> 00:29:55,219
All righty.
Welcome, everyone.
468
00:29:56,959 --> 00:29:58,686
- Here you are.
- What is this?
469
00:29:58,792 --> 00:30:02,280
These are what we
in the business call scripts, Tom.
470
00:30:02,391 --> 00:30:05,118
- Excuse me?
- You don't have to worry about it.
471
00:30:05,225 --> 00:30:07,248
Your role is what we call "small."
472
00:30:07,358 --> 00:30:10,983
Well, you're what we
in real life call "a jackass."
473
00:30:11,091 --> 00:30:14,057
I don't know about that,
but I do know that my being here
474
00:30:14,158 --> 00:30:17,124
may have caused some awkwardness
within the family.
475
00:30:17,225 --> 00:30:19,690
- You think?
- [Drew] I do, Tom. Seriously.
476
00:30:19,791 --> 00:30:23,383
And it's even possible
that some of it could potentially be
477
00:30:23,492 --> 00:30:25,719
in some small way
partly my fault.
478
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:28,188
Which part wasn't your fault?
479
00:30:28,291 --> 00:30:30,722
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
I'm talking. Okay?
480
00:30:30,824 --> 00:30:34,086
So what I've done is I went
ahead and wrote a sequence,
481
00:30:34,191 --> 00:30:37,315
so you guys can get a sense
of what I'm going for here.
482
00:30:37,424 --> 00:30:39,324
And we're all gonna
read this aloud.
483
00:30:39,324 --> 00:30:39,983
And we're all gonna
read this aloud.
484
00:30:40,091 --> 00:30:43,386
- I feel like I'm insane.
- That's why you have no lines.
485
00:30:43,491 --> 00:30:46,116
- Mom, I believe you go first.
- Okay.
486
00:30:46,224 --> 00:30:48,087
"Oh, look at us.
487
00:30:48,190 --> 00:30:52,020
I sure hope you like the meal
I so lovingly prepared
488
00:30:52,124 --> 00:30:54,056
for the people I love.
489
00:30:54,157 --> 00:30:57,453
She smiles at Tom."
Oh, she's...
490
00:30:58,324 --> 00:31:01,085
[Drew] Have you acted?
You've acted before.
491
00:31:01,190 --> 00:31:02,951
- A little theater.
- I can tell.
492
00:31:03,057 --> 00:31:06,512
- I see it. It comes out.
- You were in Pippin in high school.
493
00:31:06,624 --> 00:31:09,112
You played Wind.
494
00:31:09,224 --> 00:31:11,554
Tom, you have the next line.
495
00:31:11,656 --> 00:31:13,350
Uh...
496
00:31:13,457 --> 00:31:16,854
"Say thank you to your mother
for all her hard work cooking for us."
497
00:31:16,957 --> 00:31:19,287
"Thank you."
498
00:31:19,390 --> 00:31:21,855
"Oh, I don't work nearly
as hard as you, dear."
499
00:31:21,957 --> 00:31:23,218
Well, that's true.
500
00:31:23,324 --> 00:31:26,346
Tom, let's stay on book, please.
Brian, go ahead.
501
00:31:26,456 --> 00:31:30,116
"Gee, Mom, I love you
like the dickens.
502
00:31:30,224 --> 00:31:32,190
Should we pray?"
503
00:31:32,289 --> 00:31:35,653
Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's
gonna give you the business?
504
00:31:35,756 --> 00:31:38,221
Oh, there you are, Consuela.
505
00:31:38,323 --> 00:31:41,949
Five waters for everyone, please.
Gracias.
506
00:31:42,056 --> 00:31:45,147
[clears throat] Brian,
you were about to say grace.
507
00:31:46,857 --> 00:31:50,687
- "Dear God..."
- Brian. We hold hands at grace.
508
00:31:53,723 --> 00:31:55,712
[Brian] "Dear God,
509
00:31:55,822 --> 00:31:57,186
thank you for this meal.
510
00:31:57,289 --> 00:31:59,312
Thank you for blessing us
with a family.
511
00:31:59,423 --> 00:32:01,048
Not everyone has a nice family.
512
00:32:01,156 --> 00:32:02,815
And also we, O Lord,
513
00:32:02,922 --> 00:32:06,252
are so lucky to have Drew
in our lives."
514
00:32:06,356 --> 00:32:08,049
Amen.
515
00:32:09,456 --> 00:32:11,683
"An emotional moment."
516
00:32:11,789 --> 00:32:13,652
Sorry, I keep doing that.
517
00:32:13,755 --> 00:32:17,244
"Brian, if you eat it all up,
I will let you sleep with me
518
00:32:17,355 --> 00:32:20,480
Iike I never did
when you were little."
519
00:32:22,822 --> 00:32:25,118
An awkward moment.
520
00:32:25,222 --> 00:32:27,121
Skip ahead.
That doesn't work.
521
00:32:27,222 --> 00:32:30,120
- That's not supposed to be there.
- What does this mean?
522
00:32:30,222 --> 00:32:32,211
"Doo-Dah enters
in his bathrobe."
523
00:32:32,322 --> 00:32:36,254
Sweet Jim Jiminy!
Cold corn in the mornin'!
524
00:32:36,355 --> 00:32:40,845
- This weather is killin' my joints.
- Brian, go get the shovel.
525
00:32:40,955 --> 00:32:44,752
[Drew] Listen to me. When Alicia came,
she totally ruined everything.
526
00:32:44,855 --> 00:32:47,287
Everything was so normal
up until that point.
527
00:32:47,388 --> 00:32:48,718
Silencio, por favor.
528
00:32:48,821 --> 00:32:52,083
So I realized what I had to do
was expand the family.
529
00:32:52,188 --> 00:32:54,949
I had to find my grandpa.
So I went and found my Doo-Dah.
530
00:32:55,055 --> 00:32:57,214
Here he is. My Doo-Dah.
531
00:32:57,322 --> 00:33:00,981
Your Doo-Dah looks exactly like the guy
in Christmas Carol. Scrooge.
532
00:33:01,088 --> 00:33:03,350
That's right.
I do community theater.
533
00:33:03,455 --> 00:33:06,443
And this Christmas night,
I'm reprising my role as Scrooge
534
00:33:06,554 --> 00:33:09,146
in the Lincoln Wood
Theater Group's production
535
00:33:09,255 --> 00:33:11,982
of A Christmas Carol.
I hope you all can make it.
536
00:33:12,088 --> 00:33:14,610
Please stay in character, Saul, okay?
537
00:33:14,721 --> 00:33:16,482
"I'm so glad that you came here.
538
00:33:16,588 --> 00:33:19,281
You're gonna stay for
the whole Christmas holiday."
539
00:33:19,387 --> 00:33:22,444
Whoa, no, he's not.
I agreed to let you in the house,
540
00:33:22,554 --> 00:33:25,349
- not Doo-Doo over here.
- Doo-Dah.
541
00:33:25,454 --> 00:33:27,784
- Nobody's talkin' to you.
- [groans] Look.
542
00:33:27,888 --> 00:33:29,649
I'll give you $25,000.
543
00:33:31,954 --> 00:33:33,511
How you doin', Doo-Dah?
544
00:33:33,621 --> 00:33:35,348
You can stay in the living room.
545
00:33:35,454 --> 00:33:37,750
No, Dad, I'm sleeping
in the living room.
546
00:33:37,854 --> 00:33:39,252
Not anymore.
547
00:33:39,354 --> 00:33:41,911
Where am I gonna sleep?
548
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:44,009
[dog barking]
549
00:33:46,887 --> 00:33:49,115
Ow.
550
00:33:49,221 --> 00:33:51,050
I hate these people.
551
00:33:51,553 --> 00:33:52,820
[# The Waitresses:
Christmas Wrapping]
552
00:33:52,820 --> 00:33:53,717
[# The Waitresses:
Christmas Wrapping]
553
00:34:05,687 --> 00:34:08,551
Everybody get some presents,
get your shoppin' done,
554
00:34:08,653 --> 00:34:12,380
and then we'll meet at 4:00
at Santa's Village to take pictures.
555
00:34:12,487 --> 00:34:14,350
Kids, don't lose track of time.
556
00:34:14,453 --> 00:34:16,681
Mom, you wanna stick
with Doo-Dah?
557
00:34:16,787 --> 00:34:20,116
- Why me?
- He's your father.
558
00:34:20,220 --> 00:34:23,243
- [Doo-Dah] How come you never call?
- Tom! Tom! Tom!
559
00:34:23,353 --> 00:34:24,943
Yes, Drew?
560
00:34:25,053 --> 00:34:27,848
Aren't you forgettin' something, T-Bone?
561
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:32,514
Here you go, Lenny.
Happy holidays to you.
562
00:34:32,620 --> 00:34:34,415
- [Lenny] You too.
- Hey, Tommy!
563
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,509
[laughing] Nice hat.
564
00:34:36,620 --> 00:34:40,382
- How's the holidays?
- Considering I got a pain in my ass
565
00:34:40,487 --> 00:34:42,510
about six feet tall
in my house, all right.
566
00:34:42,619 --> 00:34:44,108
Oh, relatives, huh?
567
00:34:44,220 --> 00:34:46,209
- Kinda.
- Oh, your wife's family.
568
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:49,513
They hang around your house
all day and drink your beer.
569
00:34:50,419 --> 00:34:52,442
They eat your salami.
570
00:34:53,486 --> 00:34:57,078
- Hey, guys! Wait up!
- [Alicia sighs]
571
00:34:57,186 --> 00:34:58,651
- [screeching]
- [honking]
572
00:34:58,752 --> 00:35:01,343
[man] Asshole!
573
00:35:01,452 --> 00:35:03,816
[# Santa Claus is Comin' to Town]
574
00:35:21,185 --> 00:35:23,413
[Drew] All right, there we go.
575
00:35:23,519 --> 00:35:24,916
Excuse me.
576
00:35:28,319 --> 00:35:30,148
All of you?
577
00:35:34,052 --> 00:35:35,245
Mom, this sucks.
578
00:35:35,352 --> 00:35:37,375
Tell your father.
He made the deal.
579
00:35:37,486 --> 00:35:39,418
Everybody say "Merry Christmas."
580
00:35:39,518 --> 00:35:42,951
- [all] Merry Christmas!
- [Santa and Drew] Ho, ho, ho!
581
00:35:46,451 --> 00:35:48,940
Doo-Dah, interest you
in a Christmas cookie?
582
00:35:49,052 --> 00:35:50,540
I can't. I'm diabetic.
583
00:35:50,651 --> 00:35:52,674
That dog won't hunt, my friend.
584
00:35:52,785 --> 00:35:55,307
Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic.
Go ahead and take one.
585
00:35:55,418 --> 00:35:57,247
Look, kid, I get that.
586
00:35:57,351 --> 00:36:00,146
But if I eat this thing,
I can't act not dead.
587
00:36:00,251 --> 00:36:01,808
- [tires screeching]
- Hey!
588
00:36:01,918 --> 00:36:03,907
Slow down.
The roads are icy.
589
00:36:04,017 --> 00:36:07,745
- I don't want you to kill your family!
- [Drew] Perfect, Christine.
590
00:36:07,852 --> 00:36:10,283
That's what my mom
would've said. Good improv.
591
00:36:10,384 --> 00:36:13,680
Before your father
threw her out of the car.
592
00:36:13,785 --> 00:36:15,307
[door squeaks]
593
00:36:15,418 --> 00:36:18,213
Ah, the old carriage house.
Brings back memories.
594
00:36:18,318 --> 00:36:20,250
- What's going on?
- Brian, go inside.
595
00:36:20,351 --> 00:36:22,748
What? Come on! Dad.
596
00:36:22,851 --> 00:36:25,443
I'm in my pajamas.
You want me to sleep outside?
597
00:36:25,551 --> 00:36:26,880
Go.
598
00:36:27,784 --> 00:36:29,716
Fine.
599
00:36:30,717 --> 00:36:34,979
I can't go in my room, I get...
You know, when I become a serial killer
600
00:36:35,084 --> 00:36:36,277
don't act surprised.
601
00:36:36,383 --> 00:36:38,349
Think positive, Bris-eye.
602
00:36:38,450 --> 00:36:41,439
Use your positive mindset.
That's not what we talked about.
603
00:36:41,550 --> 00:36:43,448
It's hard to get through to him.
604
00:36:43,550 --> 00:36:45,345
So what's goin' on?
What's up?
605
00:36:45,450 --> 00:36:47,144
You gotta go.
606
00:36:47,250 --> 00:36:49,580
- What?
- We can't do this no more.
607
00:36:50,951 --> 00:36:52,644
What do you mean?
What can't we do?
608
00:36:52,750 --> 00:36:56,705
Christine and l,
we're thinkin' about breakin' up.
609
00:36:58,083 --> 00:37:01,846
What? Why?
Is it my fault? Something I did?
610
00:37:01,950 --> 00:37:04,939
Is it the hat? Forget it.
Wear whatever you want, Tom.
611
00:37:05,050 --> 00:37:07,141
It's not you.
It's nothin' to do with you.
612
00:37:07,250 --> 00:37:11,546
It's been goin' on for a long time.
We're just... It's not workin' out.
613
00:37:11,650 --> 00:37:15,548
We were gonna wait till after
the holidays to tell the kids,
614
00:37:15,649 --> 00:37:17,343
and you know, with you here,
615
00:37:17,450 --> 00:37:21,109
and with your Christmas cheer crap,
it's making it worse.
616
00:37:21,217 --> 00:37:24,580
Tom, first of all,
I wanna reward you for opening up
617
00:37:24,683 --> 00:37:27,343
with a big "thank you,"
that deserves some credit.
618
00:37:27,449 --> 00:37:30,211
Second, let me tell you
what you need to do.
619
00:37:30,317 --> 00:37:32,249
If I was you
and comin' into some money,
620
00:37:32,349 --> 00:37:36,213
I'd do somethin' big, somethin'
you always wanted your whole life.
621
00:37:36,316 --> 00:37:38,248
Somethin' that makes you happy.
622
00:37:38,349 --> 00:37:42,509
I want the money. I really do.
It's Christine, she keeps...
623
00:37:42,616 --> 00:37:45,104
All right. Let me worry
about Christine, okay?
624
00:37:45,216 --> 00:37:46,944
I'll worry about Christine.
625
00:37:47,049 --> 00:37:50,072
You worry about Tom,
'cause it's Tom time.
626
00:37:50,182 --> 00:37:53,875
- [knocking] Christine?
- Yes, dear?
627
00:37:53,982 --> 00:37:56,971
- Can I talk to you?
- Of course, dear. I'm your mother.
628
00:37:57,082 --> 00:37:58,980
You can talk to me
about anything.
629
00:37:59,082 --> 00:38:00,275
Great.
630
00:38:00,382 --> 00:38:03,711
- Are you all right?
- Uh-huh.
631
00:38:03,815 --> 00:38:07,248
You sure? 'Cause you just put
a bra in Brian's sock drawer.
632
00:38:07,349 --> 00:38:08,974
Oh, well, that's your brother.
633
00:38:09,082 --> 00:38:12,139
1 5. Likes to experiment.
We still love him.
634
00:38:13,582 --> 00:38:18,480
Look, Christine, I know what's going on
with you and Tom,
635
00:38:18,582 --> 00:38:21,310
and first of all,
I just wanna say that
636
00:38:21,415 --> 00:38:24,575
I'm feeling a little ripped off here,
you know?
637
00:38:24,682 --> 00:38:27,512
I thought I was getting a real family.
This is bullshit.
638
00:38:27,615 --> 00:38:30,581
Well, it's time you grew up
and faced facts, isn't it?
639
00:38:30,682 --> 00:38:33,705
Mommies and daddies
fall in love, make babies,
640
00:38:33,815 --> 00:38:37,269
pay bills, get mad,
and stop touching each other!
641
00:38:40,715 --> 00:38:42,976
Second of all,
642
00:38:43,081 --> 00:38:46,639
I was thinkin' I could do something
to help you, make you feel better.
643
00:38:46,748 --> 00:38:48,714
How about just me and you
go shopping?
644
00:38:48,815 --> 00:38:52,042
- For what?
- I don't know. Just go shopping.
645
00:38:52,148 --> 00:38:54,614
You know what I mean?
It's fun just to buy shit.
646
00:38:54,714 --> 00:38:58,976
Listen, I know all the best
makeup and hair people.
647
00:38:59,081 --> 00:39:02,047
The best fashion photographer
in Chicago owes me huge!
648
00:39:02,148 --> 00:39:03,613
So?
649
00:39:03,714 --> 00:39:06,112
You don't see it, do you?
650
00:39:06,215 --> 00:39:09,772
You don't see what
a beautiful woman you are.
651
00:39:09,881 --> 00:39:14,370
You have grace and kindness
and sensuality,
652
00:39:14,481 --> 00:39:16,640
and this incredibly striking,
653
00:39:16,747 --> 00:39:19,941
kind of offbeat beauty that's...
654
00:39:20,048 --> 00:39:23,139
You look in the mirror, and don't
see it. We're gonna show you.
655
00:39:23,247 --> 00:39:25,679
How would you like me
to arrange your very own,
656
00:39:25,781 --> 00:39:28,542
very hip, very sexy, yet tasteful,
657
00:39:28,647 --> 00:39:31,477
very elegant, very modern,
very expensive
658
00:39:31,581 --> 00:39:33,945
photo shoot, just for you?
659
00:39:36,881 --> 00:39:38,107
[sobbing]
660
00:39:38,214 --> 00:39:40,680
Or not.
I mean, whatever...
661
00:39:40,781 --> 00:39:45,769
Oh, Drew, you've made
your mama so happy.
662
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:47,642
[chuckles] Great.
663
00:39:49,380 --> 00:39:53,472
- Oh, Mom.
- [Christine chuckles]
664
00:39:59,746 --> 00:40:02,178
[Drew] Hey, Alicia.
Want to go tobogganing?
665
00:40:03,613 --> 00:40:06,738
Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.
Have I been sending you mixed signals?
666
00:40:06,847 --> 00:40:10,143
[chuckles] I just thought
maybe instead of sitting around
667
00:40:10,247 --> 00:40:13,212
bickering and hating me,
you might like to have some fun.
668
00:40:13,313 --> 00:40:15,245
No, thanks.
669
00:40:15,346 --> 00:40:17,335
[Drew] Ah, I see.
670
00:40:17,446 --> 00:40:19,503
I get it.
671
00:40:19,613 --> 00:40:22,579
You're afraid of fun.
You don't like having fun.
672
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:25,475
What the hell does that even mean,
"l don't like fun"?
673
00:40:25,580 --> 00:40:27,068
Of course I like fun.
674
00:40:27,179 --> 00:40:29,872
Everybody likes fun. It's fun.
675
00:40:29,979 --> 00:40:32,707
All right, so then why
won't you go with me?
676
00:40:32,813 --> 00:40:34,903
Because it would be with you.
677
00:40:35,012 --> 00:40:37,807
You know what I think?
I think you're afraid.
678
00:40:37,912 --> 00:40:40,707
I think you're afraid
that you will go, and have fun,
679
00:40:40,812 --> 00:40:43,370
and you might enjoy yourself,
and you'd be with me.
680
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:46,037
What would that say about you?
That's what I think.
681
00:40:46,146 --> 00:40:48,408
- Really?
- [Drew] Mm-hm.
682
00:40:49,346 --> 00:40:51,175
Let's go.
683
00:40:53,712 --> 00:40:56,178
- [Alicia] All right.
- [Drew] Ready, Freddie.
684
00:40:56,279 --> 00:40:58,574
- Well, hello there, youngsters.
- Hi.
685
00:40:58,679 --> 00:41:00,406
- Tobogganing?
- Breakneck Hill.
686
00:41:00,512 --> 00:41:01,842
- Fun.
- [Drew] Yeah.
687
00:41:01,946 --> 00:41:03,411
Oh, what do you know?
688
00:41:03,512 --> 00:41:06,842
Back in my day, we couldn't
afford fancy toboggans.
689
00:41:06,946 --> 00:41:09,037
Are you smoking pot?
690
00:41:09,145 --> 00:41:10,111
[honking]
691
00:41:10,212 --> 00:41:11,940
[rock music playing]
692
00:41:17,879 --> 00:41:19,174
What do you think?
693
00:41:19,278 --> 00:41:20,744
Nice.
694
00:41:20,846 --> 00:41:23,277
Yeah. This'll keep you
from dying, Dad.
695
00:41:23,378 --> 00:41:25,241
Had one of these
when I was single.
696
00:41:25,345 --> 00:41:27,038
I bet.
697
00:41:27,145 --> 00:41:29,543
Know what happened to me
on the way over here?
698
00:41:29,645 --> 00:41:31,634
- What?
- Got propositioned by a hooker.
699
00:41:31,744 --> 00:41:33,733
- Did you?
- The blonde with the big cans?
700
00:41:33,845 --> 00:41:36,606
Hey, watch your language
around my daughter.
701
00:41:36,711 --> 00:41:39,836
Brian, take a look at your father's
new automobile here!
702
00:41:39,945 --> 00:41:42,002
Yeah, what do you think?
703
00:41:42,112 --> 00:41:43,873
It's old.
704
00:41:43,978 --> 00:41:45,910
[Alicia] All right.
Hey, Bri, come on.
705
00:41:46,011 --> 00:41:49,636
- We're gonna go tobogganing.
- That's great.
706
00:41:54,778 --> 00:41:56,676
She's ready.
707
00:41:57,945 --> 00:42:00,070
Hi. I'm Christine.
708
00:42:01,711 --> 00:42:04,007
I feel so pretty.
709
00:42:11,244 --> 00:42:14,142
- What are you doing?
- Modeling.
710
00:42:15,644 --> 00:42:17,109
[Heinrich] Here.
711
00:42:19,344 --> 00:42:23,901
Chad, have you ever
seen me so elated?
712
00:42:24,010 --> 00:42:27,170
It must be this woman. Yes.
713
00:42:27,277 --> 00:42:31,073
Isn't she sexy? Erotic.
714
00:42:31,177 --> 00:42:33,075
- Speak!
- Absolutely, Heinrich.
715
00:42:33,177 --> 00:42:36,371
- She's got that special quality...
- Get out now.
716
00:42:36,477 --> 00:42:39,966
- But I'm agreeing with you.
- You hesitated.
717
00:42:40,077 --> 00:42:43,202
Yeah, you heard him.
Get out! Beat it!
718
00:42:43,310 --> 00:42:45,833
Get out! Beat it!
719
00:42:45,944 --> 00:42:49,774
[chuckling] Uh-oh.
He thinks we're serious.
720
00:42:49,877 --> 00:42:52,604
We were serious.
721
00:42:52,710 --> 00:42:55,074
Very serious.
722
00:42:55,176 --> 00:42:57,267
[# Warrant: She's My Cherry Pie]
723
00:42:57,376 --> 00:42:59,535
[Heinrich] Yeah!
724
00:42:59,643 --> 00:43:02,268
Ausgeseichnet! Yeah!
725
00:43:02,376 --> 00:43:05,069
Yeah! Yeah!
726
00:43:05,176 --> 00:43:08,938
Ah! Erotic! Yeah! Yeah!
727
00:43:09,043 --> 00:43:10,031
Oh, yeah! Great!
728
00:43:10,143 --> 00:43:11,473
Oh, more!
729
00:43:11,577 --> 00:43:13,940
Lick the lollipop! Yeah!
730
00:43:14,110 --> 00:43:15,973
[Brian] I do not want to do this.
731
00:43:16,076 --> 00:43:17,939
Ah, you say that now.
732
00:43:18,043 --> 00:43:22,533
Once you get going, you'll run and jump
and squeal with joy.
733
00:43:23,176 --> 00:43:25,039
- [Drew] Okay?
- [Alicia] Let's do this.
734
00:43:25,143 --> 00:43:26,768
[Drew] Here we go.
Hunker down.
735
00:43:26,876 --> 00:43:29,706
Center your weight.
Breakneck Hill!
736
00:43:34,009 --> 00:43:36,907
Whoo! Whoo!
737
00:43:37,009 --> 00:43:39,907
That was crazy!
Did you see him fly down the hill?
738
00:43:40,843 --> 00:43:43,400
I made a mistake.
It was scarier when I was younger.
739
00:43:43,509 --> 00:43:45,737
- Can we go home now?
- No, we can't go home!
740
00:43:45,843 --> 00:43:49,331
We are gonna risk permanent paralysis
or die trying!
741
00:43:55,309 --> 00:43:58,332
That one! Land!
742
00:44:01,109 --> 00:44:05,405
[Drew] Yes, sir! Whoo!
Gonna be some serious fun!
743
00:44:05,509 --> 00:44:08,634
[Brian] Sure, in a Sonny Bono
kind of way.
744
00:44:10,042 --> 00:44:12,270
What's that I hear?
A little chicken?
745
00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:13,670
[clucks]
746
00:44:13,775 --> 00:44:16,764
- Chicken.
- Yeah. And very much so.
747
00:44:16,875 --> 00:44:18,341
I'm gonna go home now.
748
00:44:18,442 --> 00:44:21,601
- Seriously? You're leaving?
- [Brian] See ya at the chopper.
749
00:44:21,708 --> 00:44:25,834
Wow. Never thought I'd see the day
that taunt would lose its power.
750
00:44:25,942 --> 00:44:28,305
What about you?
Chicken with broccoli?
751
00:44:28,408 --> 00:44:31,636
Actually, part of me thinks
that it's incredibly stupid,
752
00:44:31,741 --> 00:44:33,900
and the other part is in agreement.
753
00:44:34,008 --> 00:44:35,906
- There you go.
- You're chicken.
754
00:44:36,008 --> 00:44:37,439
- Know what I think?
- What?
755
00:44:37,541 --> 00:44:41,564
I think that you had no intention
of going down this hill.
756
00:44:41,675 --> 00:44:45,801
I think that you dragged us up here
because you knew we wouldn't go down it.
757
00:44:45,908 --> 00:44:49,362
I think you were showing off.
That's what I think.
758
00:44:49,475 --> 00:44:51,031
Wait. You think I'm chicken?
759
00:44:51,141 --> 00:44:52,936
- I'm chicken?
- [Alicia laughs]
760
00:44:53,041 --> 00:44:56,768
Let me give a little clue here, okay?
761
00:44:56,874 --> 00:44:59,432
You think I'm chicken?
I'll show you.
762
00:44:59,541 --> 00:45:01,029
You see me?
I'm ready to go.
763
00:45:01,141 --> 00:45:03,732
Where are you?
Nowhere to be seen. Chicken.
764
00:45:03,841 --> 00:45:05,330
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
765
00:45:05,441 --> 00:45:07,031
- You're getting on?
- Yeah.
766
00:45:07,141 --> 00:45:09,107
- No!
- Come on, push off.
767
00:45:09,208 --> 00:45:11,071
[# The Primitives: Crash]
768
00:45:33,740 --> 00:45:36,103
[both screaming]
769
00:45:36,207 --> 00:45:39,230
[laughing]
770
00:45:43,707 --> 00:45:46,172
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
771
00:45:47,540 --> 00:45:50,767
I told you you'd have fun with me.
772
00:46:01,673 --> 00:46:04,003
[sneezes]
773
00:46:04,107 --> 00:46:08,368
- Sorry.
- That's cool. It's okay.
774
00:46:11,873 --> 00:46:15,464
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
775
00:46:16,739 --> 00:46:20,171
- It's my fault you got sick.
- [sniffling] It's not your fault.
776
00:46:20,272 --> 00:46:23,204
We even might have gotten sick
without tobogganing.
777
00:46:23,306 --> 00:46:25,772
It didn't help walking home
in wet clothes.
778
00:46:25,873 --> 00:46:29,566
- You wanna watch TV?
- Uh-huh.
779
00:46:29,673 --> 00:46:31,298
[Drew groaning]
780
00:46:35,939 --> 00:46:38,871
[# Warrant: She's My Cherry Pie]
781
00:46:58,939 --> 00:47:01,132
- Hey.
- Hi.
782
00:47:05,939 --> 00:47:08,201
You look different.
783
00:47:08,305 --> 00:47:10,567
Did you do something?
784
00:47:11,839 --> 00:47:13,066
Are you serious?
785
00:47:13,171 --> 00:47:16,103
No, I just mean that...
786
00:47:17,839 --> 00:47:19,236
...you look good.
787
00:47:21,939 --> 00:47:23,495
Thanks.
788
00:47:24,839 --> 00:47:26,065
Where'd you go?
789
00:47:26,904 --> 00:47:28,564
Nice wheels.
790
00:47:29,804 --> 00:47:34,032
- Yeah. You like it?
- Yeah.
791
00:47:35,405 --> 00:47:38,303
Does it seem at all familiar?
792
00:47:40,138 --> 00:47:42,502
Didn't somebody we know
have one of these?
793
00:47:42,604 --> 00:47:45,695
Yeah. Us.
794
00:47:45,804 --> 00:47:48,599
Maybe this'll help.
795
00:47:52,871 --> 00:47:56,303
Yeah. I remember.
796
00:48:12,137 --> 00:48:15,695
- So what's your deal anyway?
- My deal.
797
00:48:15,804 --> 00:48:18,770
I mean, sometimes you have
these moments of lucidity,
798
00:48:18,870 --> 00:48:21,029
but then other times
799
00:48:21,137 --> 00:48:24,228
it's just not so much normal.
800
00:48:24,337 --> 00:48:28,292
I don't understand, I mean,
I don't wanna be alone on Christmas.
801
00:48:28,404 --> 00:48:29,994
You've never been alone.
802
00:48:30,104 --> 00:48:33,661
On Christmas, it's not like
being alone. It's alone alone.
803
00:48:33,770 --> 00:48:36,259
This wouldn't be
one of those lucid moments.
804
00:48:36,370 --> 00:48:39,200
- I wasn't going for that.
- Okay, I see.
805
00:48:39,304 --> 00:48:42,065
All right, little Miss Grinch.
806
00:48:42,170 --> 00:48:44,727
I know you're a sophisticated,
modern woman
807
00:48:44,837 --> 00:48:49,099
that's very jaded and nothing
gets to you, and you have no emotions.
808
00:48:49,204 --> 00:48:51,170
But I'd be willing to bet
that even you,
809
00:48:51,269 --> 00:48:53,895
before you got old...
810
00:48:54,003 --> 00:48:55,866
...-er than you are now,
811
00:48:55,970 --> 00:49:00,299
but still as young, attractive,
smart and beautiful...
812
00:49:00,403 --> 00:49:02,301
[sniffling] That's better.
813
00:49:02,403 --> 00:49:03,596
I don't know, like,
814
00:49:03,703 --> 00:49:08,260
some moment in your childhood
before everything got complicated,
815
00:49:08,369 --> 00:49:09,596
when you were happy.
816
00:49:09,703 --> 00:49:11,692
You must have some moment in your life
817
00:49:11,803 --> 00:49:15,064
that you'd like to go back and relive.
818
00:49:16,969 --> 00:49:18,663
Yeah.
819
00:49:18,769 --> 00:49:21,701
Once,
820
00:49:21,802 --> 00:49:25,700
I was, like, nine years old
821
00:49:25,802 --> 00:49:29,257
and we had just had
this ice storm.
822
00:49:29,369 --> 00:49:33,233
I was walking home from school
through Bishop Park.
823
00:49:33,336 --> 00:49:36,325
You know that one big oak tree
in the middle?
824
00:49:36,435 --> 00:49:38,833
It was completely frozen.
825
00:49:38,936 --> 00:49:41,061
All the branches were icicles.
826
00:49:41,169 --> 00:49:43,896
It was just...
It was incredible.
827
00:49:44,002 --> 00:49:47,695
It completely stopped me
in my tracks.
828
00:49:47,802 --> 00:49:49,631
I remember standing underneath it
829
00:49:49,735 --> 00:49:54,963
pretending that I was a princess
in a magical crystal palace.
830
00:49:55,068 --> 00:49:56,557
It was really...
831
00:49:56,669 --> 00:49:59,430
It was beautiful.
832
00:50:01,268 --> 00:50:03,359
[blowing]
833
00:50:03,469 --> 00:50:06,458
[# Jose Feliciano: Feliz Navidad]
834
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:53,825
Hey, would you come outside
with me for one second?
835
00:51:53,933 --> 00:51:57,388
- I wanna show you something.
- Okay.
836
00:51:57,500 --> 00:51:59,988
- Where are you taking me?
- Hold on, one second.
837
00:52:00,100 --> 00:52:03,725
- You trust me?
- Uh, no. Not necessarily.
838
00:52:03,833 --> 00:52:06,391
Okay. Try to trust me,
I wanna blindfold you.
839
00:52:06,499 --> 00:52:08,056
- It's a surprise.
- Okay.
840
00:52:08,166 --> 00:52:10,529
- All right?
- All right.
841
00:52:10,632 --> 00:52:13,496
- Oh, God.
- All right. Follow me.
842
00:52:13,599 --> 00:52:18,361
I feel that this is gonna end with
"and she was never heard from again."
843
00:52:18,466 --> 00:52:20,432
- Step, step, step.
- Okay.
844
00:52:20,532 --> 00:52:21,964
- Right there. Stop.
- Okay.
845
00:52:22,066 --> 00:52:24,224
- Turn this way. Okay?
- All right.
846
00:52:24,332 --> 00:52:26,264
All right.
847
00:52:34,399 --> 00:52:37,593
[breathless] Oh, my God.
848
00:52:39,932 --> 00:52:43,387
[stammers] I can't believe you did this.
849
00:52:43,499 --> 00:52:45,294
Wait till you see this.
850
00:52:45,399 --> 00:52:46,728
Hit it, guys.
851
00:52:46,832 --> 00:52:50,958
[elves] Hut, hut, hut...
852
00:52:55,499 --> 00:53:00,658
- [elves giggling]
- [camel grunts]
853
00:53:04,465 --> 00:53:07,727
[donkey brays]
854
00:53:07,832 --> 00:53:09,093
You see that?
855
00:53:09,199 --> 00:53:11,664
That's you right there.
I know this props guy.
856
00:53:11,765 --> 00:53:13,560
He owns a prop house with figurines,
857
00:53:13,665 --> 00:53:16,187
and he painted your hair like that,
your mouth.
858
00:53:16,298 --> 00:53:18,287
- Those guys aren't pros.
- I'm sure.
859
00:53:18,398 --> 00:53:20,830
- I showed them the thing.
- Oh, wow.
860
00:53:20,932 --> 00:53:24,261
I got this dance teacher.
It's not easy to get a camel.
861
00:53:24,364 --> 00:53:28,592
It's not easy taking a very
personal and private moment
862
00:53:28,698 --> 00:53:32,391
that I have never told anybody
and turning it into a theme park.
863
00:53:32,498 --> 00:53:34,293
# #
864
00:53:34,398 --> 00:53:35,728
Shut up!
865
00:53:35,831 --> 00:53:37,729
[choir] Ah...
866
00:53:37,831 --> 00:53:40,820
But I'm not disappointed.
Okay? I'm not mad.
867
00:53:40,931 --> 00:53:45,795
I'm just mad at myself for thinking that
there was more to you than I thought.
868
00:53:47,064 --> 00:53:49,689
- That's you.
- [man] It's a wrap.
869
00:53:49,797 --> 00:53:51,695
[elves] Hut, hut, hut.
870
00:53:51,797 --> 00:53:53,456
[Drew] Alicia? Wait a second!
871
00:53:53,564 --> 00:53:57,394
I care about you.
I did that because I care about you.
872
00:53:57,497 --> 00:53:59,861
Look, Drew,
let me just give you some advice.
873
00:53:59,964 --> 00:54:02,327
Save your big, expensive gestures
874
00:54:02,430 --> 00:54:04,623
for some girl
who's impressed by them,
875
00:54:04,730 --> 00:54:06,855
And when you find her,
hold on to her.
876
00:54:06,964 --> 00:54:10,396
Otherwise, you are looking at
a lifetime of lonely Christmases.
877
00:54:19,363 --> 00:54:22,851
I'm telling you, he is wonderful.
878
00:54:22,963 --> 00:54:25,429
It's Cartier.
At least he's got manners.
879
00:54:25,530 --> 00:54:27,655
Well, I mean,
he's in the neighborhood.
880
00:54:27,763 --> 00:54:29,229
- He is?
- Darling.
881
00:54:29,330 --> 00:54:31,193
- What?
- It's a day bracelet.
882
00:54:31,297 --> 00:54:34,058
- Do you like it, darling?
- I love it.
883
00:54:34,163 --> 00:54:35,753
You're the expert on jewelry.
884
00:54:35,863 --> 00:54:37,954
- Are you disagreeing?
- Absolutely not.
885
00:54:38,063 --> 00:54:40,461
She just got a present.
Why pick at her now?
886
00:54:40,563 --> 00:54:41,529
I'm not.
887
00:54:45,529 --> 00:54:46,790
[knocking]
888
00:54:46,896 --> 00:54:49,919
Brian, tell Drew
that I had to take off.
889
00:54:50,030 --> 00:54:51,757
There was a...
890
00:54:55,663 --> 00:54:58,390
Holy cow.
What are you looking at?
891
00:54:58,496 --> 00:55:02,223
This is just, it's research.
892
00:55:02,329 --> 00:55:04,488
When I was young,
we didn't sit in our rooms
893
00:55:04,596 --> 00:55:06,926
drooling over nude ladies
on computers.
894
00:55:07,029 --> 00:55:08,495
No, sir.
895
00:55:08,596 --> 00:55:10,892
We had to go behind the barn
with the dirty girl
896
00:55:10,995 --> 00:55:14,723
and pay her a quarter so she
could show us her goodies.
897
00:55:15,995 --> 00:55:17,325
How does this work?
898
00:55:17,429 --> 00:55:21,156
Oh, well. Here, let me...
899
00:55:21,262 --> 00:55:23,955
[Brian] What are you into?
Hot Cheerleaders,
900
00:55:24,062 --> 00:55:25,823
- Three-Way Fun.
- Uh-uh.
901
00:55:25,929 --> 00:55:28,690
- Middle-Aged Hotties.
- You're talkin' my language.
902
00:55:28,795 --> 00:55:33,659
Old enough to know how it's done,
young enough to still want to do it.
903
00:55:33,762 --> 00:55:36,228
- That's gross.
- Ooh.
904
00:55:36,329 --> 00:55:38,022
[Doo-Dah] Come to papa.
905
00:55:38,129 --> 00:55:40,357
[Brian] That's not bad, right?
906
00:55:43,395 --> 00:55:46,021
Dude, it's your mom!
907
00:55:46,129 --> 00:55:47,253
Oh, my God.
908
00:55:48,728 --> 00:55:51,092
Hey, can you print that for me?
909
00:55:52,695 --> 00:55:54,490
Mom, Dad, listen.
910
00:55:54,595 --> 00:55:56,185
Please, Drew has to go tonight.
911
00:55:56,295 --> 00:55:59,090
I cannot spend one more second
in this house with him.
912
00:55:59,195 --> 00:56:01,286
- Well, yeah?
- Yeah? So what?
913
00:56:01,395 --> 00:56:03,793
So he's making fools of us!
914
00:56:03,895 --> 00:56:05,622
- Of all of us!
- [Drew] Alicia?
915
00:56:05,728 --> 00:56:08,523
[sighs] All right, look,
I'm gonna take the car,
916
00:56:08,628 --> 00:56:10,957
and when I get home,
I really hope he's gone.
917
00:56:11,061 --> 00:56:14,391
- Alicia.
- Be careful with the car.
918
00:56:14,495 --> 00:56:16,222
Can't we talk about this?
919
00:56:16,328 --> 00:56:18,317
No.
920
00:56:21,594 --> 00:56:23,822
- What the hell happened?
- [Drew] Nothing.
921
00:56:23,928 --> 00:56:26,758
I think she's right. It's stupid.
922
00:56:26,861 --> 00:56:28,225
This is a mistake.
923
00:56:28,328 --> 00:56:31,294
I've imposed on you folks
and I'm sorry.
924
00:56:31,394 --> 00:56:32,917
I'll write you a check.
925
00:56:33,028 --> 00:56:35,687
I'll spend Christmas...
926
00:56:35,794 --> 00:56:38,158
I'll spend Christmas somewhere.
927
00:56:38,260 --> 00:56:42,057
No. We don't want your money.
928
00:56:42,161 --> 00:56:46,059
In cash.
Check'll be just fine.
929
00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:48,524
- I'll get you a pen.
- [phone rings]
930
00:56:48,627 --> 00:56:50,820
- What's wrong with you?
- Hello?
931
00:56:50,928 --> 00:56:53,325
- Merry Christmas to you too.
- Missy!
932
00:56:53,427 --> 00:56:56,393
The bracelet is amazing, Drew.
Thank you.
933
00:56:56,494 --> 00:56:59,688
I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
934
00:56:59,794 --> 00:57:04,851
- How'd you know my favorite is Cartier?
- Lucky guess. How did you find me?
935
00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:08,915
I talked to your secretary and she said
you were with your family.
936
00:57:09,027 --> 00:57:10,288
Oh, Drew!
937
00:57:10,394 --> 00:57:13,882
I am so happy for you.
And for us.
938
00:57:13,993 --> 00:57:16,016
- For us?
- I know what this means,
939
00:57:16,127 --> 00:57:18,093
reaching out to your family.
940
00:57:18,194 --> 00:57:20,387
You want to be
more serious about yourself,
941
00:57:20,493 --> 00:57:22,618
and more serious about me.
942
00:57:23,194 --> 00:57:25,421
I wanna meet your family, Drew.
943
00:57:25,526 --> 00:57:28,254
I'm sure you will,
and they wanna meet you one day.
944
00:57:28,359 --> 00:57:29,916
Oh, great.
945
00:57:30,027 --> 00:57:32,254
Then we can go to Fiji.
946
00:57:32,359 --> 00:57:35,019
How about tomorrow?
947
00:57:35,127 --> 00:57:37,991
Fiji? Tomorrow?
You're kidding.
948
00:57:38,094 --> 00:57:41,184
That's fabulous, actually.
That's perfect.
949
00:57:41,293 --> 00:57:46,191
Then tonight we can spend Christmas Eve
together with our families.
950
00:57:46,293 --> 00:57:48,282
Ah...
951
00:57:48,393 --> 00:57:51,587
That's gonna be hard
to pull off, you know?
952
00:57:51,693 --> 00:57:56,352
It's very short notice, and we...
953
00:57:56,460 --> 00:58:01,824
One of the family members
is challenged, and...
954
00:58:01,926 --> 00:58:05,518
[clears throat]...requires
a lot of time to put on
955
00:58:05,625 --> 00:58:07,853
- the proper headgear...
- Oh. No problem.
956
00:58:07,959 --> 00:58:10,152
- [seatbelts unlatching]
- We're here.
957
00:58:10,259 --> 00:58:12,622
- You're here?
- Look outside!
958
00:58:20,525 --> 00:58:22,753
Oh, my God!
You're here?!
959
00:58:24,126 --> 00:58:27,956
I mean, oh, my gosh!
You're totally here!
960
00:58:29,926 --> 00:58:31,721
My girlfriend's family is here!
961
00:58:31,826 --> 00:58:34,314
You have to help me!
Pretend for a couple hours!
962
00:58:34,425 --> 00:58:36,550
We'll leave by midnight.
I'm begging you!
963
00:58:36,659 --> 00:58:38,988
Read paragraph three.
You bailed, it's done.
964
00:58:39,092 --> 00:58:42,525
- You write the check and get out!
- What? No! Wait a minute!
965
00:58:42,625 --> 00:58:44,886
Okay, look, I wanna go!
I'm dying to go!
966
00:58:44,991 --> 00:58:47,457
I gotta have a life to go back to!
This girl is it!
967
00:58:47,559 --> 00:58:49,684
I can't tell her I rented a family.
968
00:58:49,791 --> 00:58:51,984
I'm sure she already knows
you're crazy.
969
00:58:52,092 --> 00:58:55,149
- It kinda shows.
- A deal's a deal. That's it.
970
00:58:55,258 --> 00:58:58,418
- Unless you sweeten the pot.
- That's extortion, Tom!
971
00:58:58,525 --> 00:59:00,990
- I think I hear the doorbell.
- No! No, no! Wait!
972
00:59:01,092 --> 00:59:04,388
No, no! I'll give you
another 75 grand. Okay?
973
00:59:04,491 --> 00:59:06,514
But you gotta do it good,
you gotta try.
974
00:59:06,624 --> 00:59:08,715
Or else I'll be so mad
at you guys!
975
00:59:08,825 --> 00:59:10,223
- [doorbell]
- Come on.
976
00:59:10,324 --> 00:59:12,756
- I'm not wearin' the hat.
- [Drew] Fine! Sure!
977
00:59:13,991 --> 00:59:16,286
- Missy!
- Hey, Drew.
978
00:59:16,391 --> 00:59:18,220
Mrs. Vangilder. Captain.
979
00:59:18,324 --> 00:59:19,347
Come on in.
980
00:59:19,458 --> 00:59:21,754
Merry Christmas.
Honey. Merry Christmas.
981
00:59:21,858 --> 00:59:23,881
Welcome to my childhood home.
982
00:59:23,991 --> 00:59:25,320
[chuckling] Come on in.
983
00:59:25,424 --> 00:59:26,515
- Hi.
- Hello.
984
00:59:26,624 --> 00:59:28,852
I'm Drew's father,
and this is his mother.
985
00:59:28,958 --> 00:59:29,980
- Christine.
- Mom.
986
00:59:30,091 --> 00:59:31,148
Letitia. Horace.
987
00:59:31,257 --> 00:59:33,882
And he's our son.
There's no doubt about that.
988
00:59:33,990 --> 00:59:36,047
[Drew chuckling] That's for sure.
989
00:59:36,157 --> 00:59:36,257
[awkward silence]
990
00:59:36,257 --> 00:59:38,587
[awkward silence]
991
00:59:46,824 --> 00:59:48,290
Oh!
992
00:59:48,391 --> 00:59:52,323
I would love to see pictures of Drew
when he was small.
993
00:59:52,424 --> 00:59:55,390
Oh, we're not gonna bore everyone,
that's embarrassing.
994
00:59:55,490 --> 00:59:57,354
Good idea.
Bath time for baby.
995
00:59:57,457 --> 00:59:58,787
- Oh.
- [chuckling]
996
00:59:58,890 --> 01:00:01,754
- Thanks, Mom.
- Look at him.
997
01:00:01,857 --> 01:00:03,447
Drew, are you sure that's you?
998
01:00:03,557 --> 01:00:05,887
Oh, that's me all right.
I remember it well.
999
01:00:05,990 --> 01:00:08,285
That was in autumn
and the photographer...
1000
01:00:08,390 --> 01:00:12,322
No, I don't think so.
There's no little dingle.
1001
01:00:12,423 --> 01:00:15,150
- Nope.
- No.
1002
01:00:15,256 --> 01:00:17,381
[Drew] Yes. It's there, but it's not...
1003
01:00:17,490 --> 01:00:22,149
You can't see it, because it was
so long that Mom had to tuck it back
1004
01:00:22,256 --> 01:00:24,347
when she gave me a bath.
It got tangled.
1005
01:00:24,457 --> 01:00:26,252
- You remember, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah.
1006
01:00:26,356 --> 01:00:28,584
From the moment he was born, it was...
1007
01:00:28,690 --> 01:00:31,951
-...freakishly long.
- [chuckling] Right. Yes.
1008
01:00:32,056 --> 01:00:33,386
- [knocking]
- I'll get it.
1009
01:00:33,490 --> 01:00:34,785
No, no, no!
1010
01:00:34,889 --> 01:00:36,980
I'll get it, son.
You stay right there.
1011
01:00:37,090 --> 01:00:39,056
[chuckling] Thanks, Dad.
1012
01:00:39,156 --> 01:00:41,145
- So, here we are.
- Yeah.
1013
01:00:41,256 --> 01:00:44,847
So are we keeping you folks
from dinner plans, or...
1014
01:00:44,956 --> 01:00:46,683
No, we don't have any plans.
1015
01:00:46,789 --> 01:00:48,482
We couldn't possibly impose.
1016
01:00:48,589 --> 01:00:50,487
[Horace] We just got here.
1017
01:00:50,589 --> 01:00:53,112
Oh, okay.
Who was that, Dad?
1018
01:00:54,789 --> 01:00:56,221
Doo-Dah.
1019
01:00:56,322 --> 01:00:58,720
Doo-Dah.
Doo-Dah's my grandpa.
1020
01:00:58,823 --> 01:01:01,187
- He'll tell us stories...
- I wanna meet him.
1021
01:01:01,289 --> 01:01:03,312
...about the 1 800s.
I know you do.
1022
01:01:03,422 --> 01:01:05,684
We don't usually
leave him outside.
1023
01:01:05,789 --> 01:01:07,755
We usually let him in, Dad.
1024
01:01:07,856 --> 01:01:09,822
- Let's talk, son.
- [Drew] Okay.
1025
01:01:09,923 --> 01:01:11,718
- Don't go anywhere.
- Okay.
1026
01:01:11,823 --> 01:01:14,050
This guy says he's Doo-Dah's understudy.
1027
01:01:14,155 --> 01:01:17,087
- He's not white.
- That's fine, just let him in.
1028
01:01:17,189 --> 01:01:18,712
They don't know he's not right.
1029
01:01:18,823 --> 01:01:20,981
- They don't know him!
- Want me to let him in?
1030
01:01:21,089 --> 01:01:22,180
- Fine!
- Please, Tom.
1031
01:01:22,289 --> 01:01:24,811
This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah.
Here he is.
1032
01:01:24,922 --> 01:01:27,514
Sweet Jim Jiminy,
cold corn in the mornin'!
1033
01:01:27,622 --> 01:01:29,212
Ooh. Who are you?
1034
01:01:29,322 --> 01:01:31,879
I'm Saul's understudy.
I just came to help out.
1035
01:01:31,988 --> 01:01:33,578
[understudy] Feliz navidad.
1036
01:01:33,688 --> 01:01:36,450
- Is he black?
- Yep.
1037
01:01:38,855 --> 01:01:41,151
I can't do it.
I cannot do it.
1038
01:01:41,255 --> 01:01:44,709
My family's this close to 350.
You're not gonna weasel out now!
1039
01:01:44,822 --> 01:01:47,152
Put some maple syrup
on the ham.
1040
01:01:56,621 --> 01:01:57,712
- Drew?
- Huh?
1041
01:01:57,822 --> 01:01:59,412
Ah! Ah!
1042
01:02:00,588 --> 01:02:03,019
I'm sorry!
Oh, Jesus!
1043
01:02:03,121 --> 01:02:05,451
I'm sorry.
I know I'm not supposed to be here.
1044
01:02:05,555 --> 01:02:08,544
I'm gonna leave right away.
I don't want to cause problems.
1045
01:02:08,655 --> 01:02:11,314
- Drew, listen.
- I'm in a bit of a jam now.
1046
01:02:11,421 --> 01:02:14,717
- Drew, Drew, wait.
- What? Yes?
1047
01:02:14,821 --> 01:02:18,549
I came back here because
I wanted to apologize to you.
1048
01:02:18,655 --> 01:02:22,052
Yes, the thing in the park
was a bit garish and obnoxious,
1049
01:02:22,154 --> 01:02:23,779
but that's you.
1050
01:02:23,887 --> 01:02:25,853
Not that you're garish and obnoxious,
1051
01:02:25,954 --> 01:02:28,182
it's just that you
do things in a big way.
1052
01:02:28,288 --> 01:02:29,844
Yes, I do, I do.
1053
01:02:29,954 --> 01:02:32,511
And I'm touched.
1054
01:02:32,620 --> 01:02:36,212
- Thank you. That means...
- And thank you.
1055
01:02:47,153 --> 01:02:49,483
You smell like fear.
1056
01:02:51,087 --> 01:02:54,520
- There have been some developments...
- I have a gift for you.
1057
01:02:54,620 --> 01:02:56,609
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
1058
01:02:59,920 --> 01:03:01,511
No! Hi!
1059
01:03:01,620 --> 01:03:03,210
[laughing] Hi, honey.
1060
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:05,684
Your mom sent me in here
to get a cheeseball.
1061
01:03:05,787 --> 01:03:10,242
- What's that?
- This is a cheeseball.
1062
01:03:10,353 --> 01:03:14,217
Let's play a game where you don't
come back till they eat the whole thing.
1063
01:03:14,320 --> 01:03:18,047
[chuckling] This is great.
Your family isn't what I expected.
1064
01:03:18,153 --> 01:03:20,119
I'm glad you wanted to introduce me.
1065
01:03:20,220 --> 01:03:22,118
- It's all I ever wanted.
- Me too.
1066
01:03:22,220 --> 01:03:24,413
- Thank you so much.
- Okay. All right.
1067
01:03:24,519 --> 01:03:26,213
Yes. I know.
I love you. Okay.
1068
01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:30,184
- Fiji's gonna be great.
- It will be great. Fiji time!
1069
01:03:35,753 --> 01:03:39,344
That's what this was about?
You put us through this for a girl?
1070
01:03:39,453 --> 01:03:41,749
No, no, no.
1071
01:03:41,853 --> 01:03:43,443
Just...
1072
01:03:45,352 --> 01:03:48,284
- Can I open my present now?
- Sure.
1073
01:03:51,086 --> 01:03:54,177
I thought this was because
you had a painful childhood.
1074
01:03:54,286 --> 01:03:56,684
I'm sorry. You said you
never wanted to see me,
1075
01:03:56,786 --> 01:03:58,842
so I accepted that.
1076
01:03:58,952 --> 01:04:02,884
I was broken up with her, but she
showed up and wanted to meet my family.
1077
01:04:02,985 --> 01:04:05,746
I couldn't tell them
it was a rented family.
1078
01:04:05,852 --> 01:04:09,750
I know you hate me. I hate me.
I hate my own guts.
1079
01:04:09,852 --> 01:04:12,682
I know this is horrible,
but would you just please,
1080
01:04:12,785 --> 01:04:15,047
could you help me,
so I can get through this?
1081
01:04:15,152 --> 01:04:18,050
You'll never see me again.
Just take a ride for an hour.
1082
01:04:18,152 --> 01:04:20,345
Your parents will call you
when it's clear.
1083
01:04:20,452 --> 01:04:24,612
[Christine] Drew,
your dad wants more salami!
1084
01:04:24,718 --> 01:04:25,979
They're playing along?
1085
01:04:26,086 --> 01:04:30,415
Your parents, they're crazy.
They think it's fun.
1086
01:04:30,518 --> 01:04:32,279
I'm sorry.
Okay? I gotta go.
1087
01:04:32,385 --> 01:04:34,283
I'll see you.
I miss you. Thank you.
1088
01:04:34,385 --> 01:04:36,681
You're welcome. See ya.
1089
01:04:40,251 --> 01:04:42,877
They think it's fun, huh?
1090
01:04:44,852 --> 01:04:47,874
Maybe they're right.
1091
01:04:47,984 --> 01:04:48,085
Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful.
1092
01:04:48,085 --> 01:04:50,711
Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful.
1093
01:04:50,818 --> 01:04:53,376
You know, it reminds me of Mexico.
1094
01:04:53,485 --> 01:04:57,917
Not the better hotels, but the colors
of the simple people.
1095
01:04:58,018 --> 01:05:00,314
It's so bright and vulgar.
1096
01:05:00,418 --> 01:05:03,577
- [chuckles]
- Mom! Dad! I'm home!
1097
01:05:03,684 --> 01:05:08,083
[Christine] Alicia, you're back.
You're back, Alicia.
1098
01:05:08,185 --> 01:05:10,014
Oh, you're back.
1099
01:05:10,118 --> 01:05:13,413
This is our daughter, Alicia.
This is Mrs. Vangilder.
1100
01:05:13,517 --> 01:05:15,574
Please. Letitia.
1101
01:05:15,684 --> 01:05:18,242
I'm so pleased to meet you. Really.
1102
01:05:18,350 --> 01:05:20,248
And this is our little Missy.
1103
01:05:20,350 --> 01:05:23,441
Oh, Missy, Missy.
1104
01:05:25,451 --> 01:05:28,849
Oh, gosh. I've just heard
so much about you from Drew.
1105
01:05:28,951 --> 01:05:31,348
God, you're gorgeous.
1106
01:05:31,451 --> 01:05:35,110
And you are so not fat.
Drew! What's the matter with you?
1107
01:05:35,217 --> 01:05:36,808
I'm sorry?
1108
01:05:36,917 --> 01:05:38,747
- Drew, I'm not fat.
- No.
1109
01:05:38,850 --> 01:05:41,816
- I was just thinking that.
- You must be Mr. Vangilder.
1110
01:05:41,917 --> 01:05:44,008
- I would never say that.
- Don't mind us.
1111
01:05:44,117 --> 01:05:45,481
We're a bunch of kidders.
1112
01:05:45,584 --> 01:05:47,413
I like the family.
1113
01:05:47,517 --> 01:05:50,074
Oh, well, you obviously
haven't met Brian.
1114
01:05:50,184 --> 01:05:53,150
By the way, where is Brian?
1115
01:05:57,284 --> 01:05:59,545
[whimpering]
1116
01:06:03,150 --> 01:06:05,309
Here.
1117
01:06:05,416 --> 01:06:08,541
Your mom's startin' to like
your grandfather hittin' on her.
1118
01:06:08,650 --> 01:06:11,343
There's one you don't often hear
on Christmas Eve.
1119
01:06:11,450 --> 01:06:12,541
[Missy laughing]
1120
01:06:12,650 --> 01:06:15,514
It's unbelievable.
Poor thing. Poor thing.
1121
01:06:15,616 --> 01:06:17,741
- Excuse me.
- It's true.
1122
01:06:17,850 --> 01:06:20,338
What's happening over here?
What's going on?
1123
01:06:20,450 --> 01:06:24,007
- I'm learning so much from your sister.
- Oh, you are. Great.
1124
01:06:24,116 --> 01:06:26,412
I didn't know you were
a baton twirler.
1125
01:06:26,516 --> 01:06:29,573
Yeah. Gave away the big secret,
I guess, didn't you?
1126
01:06:29,683 --> 01:06:32,080
Oh, not the big one,
so don't push me.
1127
01:06:32,183 --> 01:06:34,581
Let's go talk to Doo-Dah.
He's telling stor...
1128
01:06:34,683 --> 01:06:36,706
I want you to see
the bracelet Drew got me.
1129
01:06:36,816 --> 01:06:39,714
Ooh, Cartier, huh?
1130
01:06:39,816 --> 01:06:42,009
Wow. Look at that.
That's just beautiful.
1131
01:06:42,116 --> 01:06:44,241
Well, that's my brother.
1132
01:06:44,349 --> 01:06:47,746
Just never afraid to put
a price tag on his feelings.
1133
01:06:47,849 --> 01:06:51,043
Yeah. That's my sister.
Never understanding there's love,
1134
01:06:51,149 --> 01:06:53,512
you can care and
want to show it in a big way,
1135
01:06:53,615 --> 01:06:56,911
and you shouldn't be put down
and mocked, and made hurt feelings.
1136
01:06:57,016 --> 01:07:00,971
When you love somebody,
you don't have to show it in a big way.
1137
01:07:01,083 --> 01:07:04,742
So you were slumming when you
were making out with me in the kitchen?
1138
01:07:10,849 --> 01:07:13,576
It's a very, very affectionate family.
1139
01:07:13,682 --> 01:07:15,841
- We show our love.
- ltalians.
1140
01:07:15,949 --> 01:07:17,778
We're just very warm.
1141
01:07:17,882 --> 01:07:20,404
Red hot, even.
1142
01:07:20,515 --> 01:07:23,844
All right, that's it.
Give me this. Get up.
1143
01:07:23,948 --> 01:07:25,676
- Sit down!
- [Christine] Okay!
1144
01:07:25,782 --> 01:07:27,475
Who wants a tour of the house?
1145
01:07:27,582 --> 01:07:30,741
- What you're using are stairs.
- [squeaking]
1146
01:07:30,848 --> 01:07:33,076
We like these for going up.
1147
01:07:33,182 --> 01:07:35,341
This is the bathroom.
1148
01:07:37,681 --> 01:07:39,443
- What are you doing to me?
- What?
1149
01:07:39,548 --> 01:07:43,037
- You're killing me.
- No, I'm just playing along, brother.
1150
01:07:43,148 --> 01:07:45,670
I think Missy likes me.
She thinks I'm funny.
1151
01:07:45,781 --> 01:07:48,474
This was little Drew's room.
Now, it's Brian's.
1152
01:07:48,581 --> 01:07:49,638
Aw.
1153
01:07:49,748 --> 01:07:52,373
Brian, don't be rude.
We have guests.
1154
01:07:52,481 --> 01:07:55,845
He'd live in front of the screen
if we'd let him right, Tom?
1155
01:07:55,948 --> 01:07:58,573
It's that insatiable appetite
for knowledge.
1156
01:07:58,681 --> 01:08:00,203
Oh, shit!
1157
01:08:00,314 --> 01:08:02,371
Brian, what have you done?!
1158
01:08:02,481 --> 01:08:05,242
- Tom, I don't know what that is.
- I do.
1159
01:08:05,347 --> 01:08:09,109
It's my wife shooting a "V"
for victory with her legs.
1160
01:08:09,214 --> 01:08:11,646
It's been a while,
but that's what it looks like.
1161
01:08:11,748 --> 01:08:14,646
- [Letitia] Honestly.
- That's my little girl.
1162
01:08:14,748 --> 01:08:17,475
- Horace, get our coats.
- What's going on?
1163
01:08:17,581 --> 01:08:19,638
You have no idea.
Missy, get your coat!
1164
01:08:19,748 --> 01:08:21,804
- There's ham!
- [Missy] We're not going.
1165
01:08:21,914 --> 01:08:23,937
- We'll stay.
- [Christine] Lighten up.
1166
01:08:24,047 --> 01:08:27,013
It's just a picture.
I had pictures taken for fun.
1167
01:08:27,114 --> 01:08:29,239
Where would you get
that stupid idea?!
1168
01:08:32,181 --> 01:08:36,341
Coats! Someone say coats?
Get the coats. Gotta get coats.
1169
01:08:37,814 --> 01:08:39,939
[Missy screams]
1170
01:08:40,047 --> 01:08:41,569
[chuckles] Oh.
1171
01:08:46,547 --> 01:08:49,672
Some things cannot be unseen.
1172
01:08:49,780 --> 01:08:52,405
Brian? Brian?
1173
01:08:52,513 --> 01:08:55,638
[Tom] Great.
Just great, Christine.
1174
01:09:00,713 --> 01:09:03,178
I'll be at the Travel Lodge.
1175
01:09:04,814 --> 01:09:06,643
[door slams]
1176
01:09:10,979 --> 01:09:14,741
- Merry Christmas.
- Mom? Mom?
1177
01:09:15,846 --> 01:09:17,778
- Oh, dear God.
- Wait a minute!
1178
01:09:17,879 --> 01:09:19,708
There's more of Mom's buffet.
1179
01:09:19,813 --> 01:09:23,177
If you think we're staying
after that display, think again.
1180
01:09:23,280 --> 01:09:25,973
[Letitia] Trollops who
pose for dirty pictures,
1181
01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:28,841
various incestuous overtones
1182
01:09:28,946 --> 01:09:31,571
and old, unexplained men.
1183
01:09:31,679 --> 01:09:34,474
This is without a doubt
the worst Christmas I've...
1184
01:09:34,579 --> 01:09:37,102
Oh, shut up, Letitia!
1185
01:09:38,213 --> 01:09:39,371
What?
1186
01:09:39,479 --> 01:09:43,343
I'll tell you what. I've put up with
your high and mighty act for 25 years,
1187
01:09:43,446 --> 01:09:44,776
but they don't have to.
1188
01:09:44,879 --> 01:09:47,868
I don't remember you being superior
when you got knocked up
1189
01:09:47,979 --> 01:09:51,502
by Skippy Altsheller
and then tricked me into marrying you.
1190
01:09:52,779 --> 01:09:56,506
- Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry, Missy.
1191
01:09:56,612 --> 01:10:00,873
Missy, darling, it's not true.
You were premature.
1192
01:10:00,978 --> 01:10:03,376
Oh, come on, Letitia!
1193
01:10:03,479 --> 01:10:07,843
Tell your mother thanks, Drew.
And Merry Christmas.
1194
01:10:09,312 --> 01:10:11,675
Missy, we'll wait for you in the car.
1195
01:10:11,778 --> 01:10:15,108
[grunts] You know, really.
1196
01:10:16,645 --> 01:10:18,702
Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it?
1197
01:10:18,812 --> 01:10:21,040
Oh, shut up!
Just shut up!
1198
01:10:21,145 --> 01:10:24,907
Okay! Fiji.
Let's go to Fiji right now.
1199
01:10:25,012 --> 01:10:27,637
You're right, Drew.
Just screw family.
1200
01:10:27,745 --> 01:10:30,609
All we need is each other.
Just take me away.
1201
01:10:32,378 --> 01:10:34,844
I'm sorry, Missy. I can't.
1202
01:10:34,945 --> 01:10:38,900
Just go home, okay?
I'm sorry about all this.
1203
01:10:40,411 --> 01:10:42,468
I'll spend Christmas alone.
1204
01:10:47,378 --> 01:10:50,105
Oh, fine.
1205
01:10:50,211 --> 01:10:51,768
[sobbing] Okay.
1206
01:10:52,977 --> 01:10:55,569
Well, then...
1207
01:10:55,678 --> 01:10:58,768
...the only thing
I have left to say to you
1208
01:10:58,877 --> 01:11:00,934
is I am keeping this bracelet.
1209
01:11:04,811 --> 01:11:07,743
I feel bad drinking liquor
you're gonna need.
1210
01:11:07,844 --> 01:11:09,208
I better go.
1211
01:11:09,311 --> 01:11:12,368
- Merry Christmas.
- All right.
1212
01:11:14,011 --> 01:11:15,806
[Letitia] Missy, get in the car!
1213
01:11:15,911 --> 01:11:17,672
My God!
1214
01:11:17,777 --> 01:11:21,937
Have you lost your mind?
Did you just lose it in there?
1215
01:11:31,544 --> 01:11:33,601
You know, I have to ask,
1216
01:11:33,710 --> 01:11:35,733
just how bad is your real family
1217
01:11:35,844 --> 01:11:39,037
that you would rather
spend your Christmas like this?
1218
01:11:49,410 --> 01:11:53,365
There was no real family.
1219
01:11:54,876 --> 01:11:57,536
What do you mean,
"there is no family"?
1220
01:11:57,643 --> 01:11:59,166
You must've had a family.
1221
01:11:59,277 --> 01:12:02,674
I mean, you must've had
a Doo-Dah, right?
1222
01:12:02,776 --> 01:12:05,571
I had a friend whose grandfather,
1223
01:12:05,676 --> 01:12:08,699
was called Doo-Dah.
I always liked that.
1224
01:12:10,143 --> 01:12:14,700
My dad walked out on us on Christmas
1225
01:12:14,810 --> 01:12:16,400
when I was four.
1226
01:12:16,509 --> 01:12:18,907
It was basically
just me and my mom.
1227
01:12:19,010 --> 01:12:25,034
She was a waitress
at the 24-hour coffee shop.
1228
01:12:25,142 --> 01:12:29,632
She didn't have a lot of money,
so when Christmas came around,
1229
01:12:29,743 --> 01:12:34,266
it was an opportunity for her
to take a double shift. She did.
1230
01:12:34,376 --> 01:12:38,808
And, you know,
my Christmases were,
1231
01:12:38,909 --> 01:12:43,365
basically, I just kind of
sat around the house, you know?
1232
01:12:43,476 --> 01:12:45,668
Then at night,
I'd walk down there,
1233
01:12:45,775 --> 01:12:50,174
and Mom would always buy me
a grown-up stack of pancakes,
1234
01:12:50,276 --> 01:12:53,764
and I would sit by myself
at the end of the counter
1235
01:12:53,875 --> 01:12:55,432
and eat 'em.
1236
01:12:55,542 --> 01:13:00,736
I did that for Christmas every year
until I turned 1 8.
1237
01:13:00,842 --> 01:13:03,808
I haven't been able to walk
in a coffee shop since, though.
1238
01:13:03,909 --> 01:13:05,670
Where's your mom now?
1239
01:13:05,775 --> 01:13:08,900
Mom died when I was in college.
1240
01:13:10,408 --> 01:13:12,203
I'm sorry.
1241
01:13:14,108 --> 01:13:15,369
[Alicia] You know what?
1242
01:13:15,475 --> 01:13:19,373
There's nothing that you can do
about those Christmases.
1243
01:13:19,475 --> 01:13:21,997
But the one that you
can do something about,
1244
01:13:22,108 --> 01:13:27,234
the one that's here and now, you just
spent that destroying my family.
1245
01:13:27,341 --> 01:13:30,205
Alicia, just for the record,
1246
01:13:30,308 --> 01:13:32,501
I didn't destroy your family.
1247
01:13:32,608 --> 01:13:34,665
What are you talking about?
1248
01:13:34,774 --> 01:13:37,263
Your parents are splitting up.
1249
01:13:37,375 --> 01:13:39,738
It's obvious.
Brian knows it.
1250
01:13:39,841 --> 01:13:43,796
That's why he spends all his time
in his room on his computer.
1251
01:13:43,908 --> 01:13:47,136
You just didn't wanna see it.
I can understand that.
1252
01:13:48,474 --> 01:13:50,463
I'm gonna go get my dad.
1253
01:13:50,574 --> 01:13:52,063
Lock up when you leave.
1254
01:14:14,808 --> 01:14:17,399
Well, all right.
1255
01:14:54,273 --> 01:14:55,933
I forgive you.
1256
01:16:17,005 --> 01:16:19,698
No! No, Spirit! No!
1257
01:16:19,805 --> 01:16:23,862
I will honor Christmas in my heart
and try to keep it all the year.
1258
01:16:23,971 --> 01:16:26,233
[knocking]
1259
01:16:26,338 --> 01:16:28,565
No one's home!
1260
01:16:28,671 --> 01:16:30,001
[knocking]
1261
01:16:30,105 --> 01:16:31,570
[groans]
1262
01:16:33,638 --> 01:16:34,968
What?
1263
01:16:35,072 --> 01:16:36,435
[knocking]
1264
01:16:36,538 --> 01:16:38,401
I hear you.
1265
01:16:40,738 --> 01:16:43,761
- Are you gonna hit me?
- No.
1266
01:16:43,871 --> 01:16:46,393
Are you gonna do something else
that still hurts?
1267
01:16:47,838 --> 01:16:50,668
No. You gonna invite me in?
1268
01:16:50,771 --> 01:16:53,032
You just stopped by
to hang out and catch up?
1269
01:16:53,137 --> 01:16:56,365
- Reminisce?
- You owe me money.
1270
01:16:57,771 --> 01:17:00,362
Right. The money.
1271
01:17:00,471 --> 01:17:03,369
Okay, come on in.
I'll get my checkbook.
1272
01:17:16,404 --> 01:17:20,495
You rented my place
when you could've been staying here?
1273
01:17:24,403 --> 01:17:27,267
Well, I gotta admit, this is nice.
1274
01:17:27,370 --> 01:17:28,700
Thanks.
1275
01:17:30,004 --> 01:17:32,902
You still splitting up with Christine?
1276
01:17:33,004 --> 01:17:36,197
[Tom] Yeah. I guess.
1277
01:17:37,503 --> 01:17:39,799
That would be a shame.
1278
01:17:39,904 --> 01:17:41,460
[laughs]
1279
01:17:42,470 --> 01:17:44,368
What are you laughing at?
1280
01:17:44,470 --> 01:17:48,300
Nothing. It's just ironic.
1281
01:17:48,403 --> 01:17:50,834
I paid all that money
to be part of your family.
1282
01:17:50,936 --> 01:17:53,664
You're giving it away for nothing.
1283
01:17:55,670 --> 01:17:56,862
[Drew] Look at this.
1284
01:17:56,969 --> 01:17:59,730
That's the ticket to Doo-Dah's play.
1285
01:17:59,836 --> 01:18:01,699
Yeah. I got mine too.
1286
01:18:12,436 --> 01:18:16,199
[Tom] I'm not very good at apologizing.
I don't know if they're in there.
1287
01:18:16,302 --> 01:18:18,291
[Drew] Come on.
What do you have to lose?
1288
01:18:21,969 --> 01:18:24,026
[Doo-Dah] What do you want with me?
1289
01:18:24,135 --> 01:18:25,897
[Marley] Much.
1290
01:18:26,003 --> 01:18:27,559
[Doo-Dah] Who are you?
1291
01:18:27,669 --> 01:18:30,226
In life, I was your partner...
1292
01:18:30,335 --> 01:18:31,460
See anybody?
1293
01:18:31,569 --> 01:18:33,467
That's Doo-Dah right there.
1294
01:18:33,569 --> 01:18:35,398
What is the reason
for this visit?
1295
01:18:35,502 --> 01:18:38,059
It is getting late
and I've been hard at work.
1296
01:18:38,169 --> 01:18:39,499
He's not that bad.
1297
01:18:39,602 --> 01:18:41,397
[Marley] To warn you, Ebenezer.
1298
01:18:41,502 --> 01:18:43,593
He's not that good either.
1299
01:18:43,702 --> 01:18:45,600
I'm gonna find Christine.
1300
01:18:45,702 --> 01:18:48,600
[Marley] Learn from me.
1301
01:18:50,768 --> 01:18:54,292
My spirit never walked
beyond our counting house.
1302
01:18:54,402 --> 01:19:00,857
It never roved beyond
our money-changing hole.
1303
01:19:00,968 --> 01:19:03,093
So I am condemned
1304
01:19:03,202 --> 01:19:06,134
to wander through the world
1305
01:19:06,235 --> 01:19:09,258
to see what I might have
shared on Earth,
1306
01:19:09,368 --> 01:19:12,664
then turned to happiness.
1307
01:19:14,334 --> 01:19:15,800
What are you doing here?
1308
01:19:15,902 --> 01:19:18,367
[Doo-Dah] You were always
a good businessman.
1309
01:19:18,468 --> 01:19:20,957
Doo-Dah's family, right?
1310
01:19:23,735 --> 01:19:26,428
Brian. It's me, move over.
1311
01:19:26,535 --> 01:19:29,898
No, man. Go find one
of the other empty seats.
1312
01:19:30,001 --> 01:19:32,160
Move over, Bri. Come on.
1313
01:19:38,201 --> 01:19:40,723
- Where's your sister?
- [both] Shh.
1314
01:19:42,435 --> 01:19:45,162
- Dear Brother!
- Fanny!
1315
01:19:45,268 --> 01:19:47,859
Christine...
1316
01:19:49,801 --> 01:19:53,097
If I were to leave,
I wouldn't even know where to go.
1317
01:19:54,101 --> 01:19:55,794
Then why leave?
1318
01:19:57,234 --> 01:19:59,495
That's what I'm sayin'.
I don't wanna leave.
1319
01:19:59,600 --> 01:20:01,691
Then don't.
1320
01:20:04,434 --> 01:20:07,628
- All right, I won't.
- Okay.
1321
01:20:09,167 --> 01:20:12,133
- Is that all right?
- Yeah.
1322
01:20:12,233 --> 01:20:14,199
It's good.
1323
01:20:21,367 --> 01:20:26,356
Bri, that girl...
She's kinda cute for you.
1324
01:20:26,467 --> 01:20:28,023
- Talk to her.
- Stop it.
1325
01:20:28,133 --> 01:20:31,224
- She's gonna hear.
- I saw you looking at her.
1326
01:20:31,333 --> 01:20:33,128
- Stop.
- I can tell you like...
1327
01:20:33,233 --> 01:20:34,721
I can hear you.
1328
01:20:36,067 --> 01:20:38,226
[chuckling]
1329
01:20:38,333 --> 01:20:39,628
That's embarrassing.
1330
01:20:40,833 --> 01:20:43,924
That's our grandfather.
This is Brian.
1331
01:20:44,033 --> 01:20:46,261
There, Brian.
You're all set.
1332
01:20:51,499 --> 01:20:53,090
I'm sorry.
1333
01:20:54,299 --> 01:20:55,856
Is that your brother?
1334
01:20:57,399 --> 01:20:59,831
Yeah.
1335
01:20:59,933 --> 01:21:02,421
How do we travel exactly?
1336
01:21:02,533 --> 01:21:06,021
Through the air. We fly!
1337
01:21:06,800 --> 01:21:07,857
Not so hard!
1338
01:21:07,966 --> 01:21:10,090
- Wedgie! Wedgie!
- [people laughing]
1339
01:21:30,232 --> 01:21:32,823
[Drew] Alicia?
1340
01:21:32,932 --> 01:21:35,659
- Hey.
- Hey.
1341
01:21:35,765 --> 01:21:38,663
Were you in there
the whole time?
1342
01:21:38,765 --> 01:21:41,458
No. I was just here
to pick up my mom.
1343
01:21:42,999 --> 01:21:47,454
She's in there with your dad.
1344
01:21:47,565 --> 01:21:50,725
They're kinda making out
in the third row.
1345
01:21:50,832 --> 01:21:53,127
- Really?
- Yeah.
1346
01:21:54,365 --> 01:21:56,490
- That's good.
- Look.
1347
01:21:56,598 --> 01:22:00,428
I don't expect you to want
to talk to me or anything,
1348
01:22:00,532 --> 01:22:05,362
so I'm not gonna bother you
and give you a hard time,
1349
01:22:05,465 --> 01:22:08,953
camp outside your place
and stalk you and you know.
1350
01:22:09,065 --> 01:22:11,054
But I do want to say that I'm sorry
1351
01:22:11,165 --> 01:22:14,689
for what I put you through
1352
01:22:14,798 --> 01:22:16,855
and say thank you.
1353
01:22:26,964 --> 01:22:28,862
So who are you renting
for New Year's
1354
01:22:28,964 --> 01:22:32,294
'cause you know, us Valcos,
we book up kind of fast.
1355
01:22:32,397 --> 01:22:34,296
[Drew] I see that.
1356
01:22:34,397 --> 01:22:37,193
And I'd get on it if I were you.
1357
01:22:37,297 --> 01:22:41,229
I'm lookin' for a family
with maybe a bearded,
1358
01:22:41,330 --> 01:22:44,922
irascible dad
with a heart of gold.
1359
01:22:45,031 --> 01:22:51,452
A brother who stays in his room
all the time by himself,
1360
01:22:51,564 --> 01:22:55,826
and a sister who is...
1361
01:22:58,531 --> 01:23:01,860
...wonderful and smart,
1362
01:23:02,863 --> 01:23:05,852
and really beautiful.
1363
01:23:05,963 --> 01:23:10,725
Because I think that's
the kind of person that...
1364
01:23:11,663 --> 01:23:15,720
...I could fall in love with.
1365
01:23:15,830 --> 01:23:19,694
You know anybody like that?
I know it's tough.
1366
01:23:19,797 --> 01:23:20,922
Let me think.
1367
01:23:21,030 --> 01:23:23,121
Not offhand,
but I'll get back to you.
1368
01:23:23,230 --> 01:23:25,162
Let me know.
1369
01:23:25,264 --> 01:23:28,230
[# Judy Garland: Have Yourself
A Merry Little Xhristmas]
1370
01:23:40,363 --> 01:23:44,352
- [Horace] I hear you, dear.
- [Missy] Daddy, stop the car!
1371
01:23:45,163 --> 01:23:46,561
Oh, my God!
1372
01:23:47,496 --> 01:23:49,655
Oh, my God!
1373
01:23:50,430 --> 01:23:51,827
He's kissing his sister.
1374
01:23:53,096 --> 01:23:56,620
- [Letitia] That is open-mouth.
- 'Tis the season to be jolly.
1375
01:23:56,729 --> 01:24:00,059
- [Letitia] Get us out of here!
- [Horace] They're tryin' to keep warm.
1376
01:24:00,163 --> 01:24:02,220
[Letitia] Come on!