1 00:00:48,892 --> 00:00:50,883 Welcome to Sheffield! 2 00:00:50,972 --> 00:00:53,964 The beating heart of Britain's industrial North! 3 00:00:54,052 --> 00:00:58,250 The jewel in Yorkshire's crown is home to over half a million people, 4 00:00:58,332 --> 00:01:02,325 and thousands more flock here daily to shop and to work. 5 00:01:02,412 --> 00:01:05,370 All this is built on Sheffield's primary industry, 6 00:01:05,452 --> 00:01:07,124 steel. 7 00:01:07,212 --> 00:01:10,329 The city's rolling mills, forges, 8 00:01:10,412 --> 00:01:12,846 and workshops employ some 90,000 men 9 00:01:12,932 --> 00:01:16,720 and state-of-the-art machinery to make the world's finest steel. 10 00:01:16,812 --> 00:01:19,531 From high-tensile girders 11 00:01:19,612 --> 00:01:22,684 to the stainless cutlery for your dining table. 12 00:01:22,772 --> 00:01:25,764 But it's not all hard work for the people of Steel City. 13 00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:29,208 They can spend the day lounging by the pool, 14 00:01:29,292 --> 00:01:31,886 watching one of our top soccer teams, 15 00:01:31,972 --> 00:01:34,850 or browsing in the shops. 16 00:01:37,332 --> 00:01:41,371 But when the sun goes down, the fun really starts 17 00:01:41,452 --> 00:01:44,762 in the city's numerous nightclubs and discotheques. 18 00:01:44,852 --> 00:01:47,650 Yes, Yorkshire folk know how to have a good time! 19 00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:50,769 And it's good times for the city's housing, too! 20 00:01:50,852 --> 00:01:53,320 Sheffield leads the way in town planning. 21 00:01:53,412 --> 00:01:57,724 Victorian slums have been cleared to make way for the homes of the future. 22 00:01:59,892 --> 00:02:02,008 Thanks to steel, 23 00:02:02,092 --> 00:02:03,844 Sheffield really is 24 00:02:03,932 --> 00:02:06,366 a city on the move! 25 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:28,563 Gaz, who's gonna buy a rusty girder? 26 00:02:28,652 --> 00:02:30,847 - Come on. - Dad, it's stealing! 27 00:02:30,932 --> 00:02:33,446 No, it's liberating, love. Liberating. 28 00:02:33,532 --> 00:02:35,568 Gaz, hang on. 29 00:02:37,052 --> 00:02:39,612 Ten years we worked in 'ere. Now look. 30 00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:43,731 - What if we get caught? - You don't get a criminal record till you're 16. 31 00:02:43,812 --> 00:02:45,928 - Just don't tell your mum. - 'Ey, listen. 32 00:02:46,012 --> 00:02:48,606 Music. 33 00:02:53,332 --> 00:02:55,527 Bloody hell! 34 00:03:01,052 --> 00:03:04,761 - What are they doing? - It's the works band. It's still going. 35 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:07,730 About only thing round 'ere that is. 36 00:03:09,492 --> 00:03:11,483 'Ey up! Security guard's back. 37 00:03:20,172 --> 00:03:22,208 "Won't take a minute", he says. 38 00:03:22,292 --> 00:03:24,283 "Won't take a minute." Now what? 39 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,363 Shut up. I'm thinking. 40 00:03:27,212 --> 00:03:29,806 Can't we do normal things sometimes? 41 00:03:29,892 --> 00:03:32,122 This is normal! In't it, Dave? 42 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,168 Oh, aye. Everyday stuff, this. 43 00:03:34,252 --> 00:03:36,208 I think this bugger's sinking. 44 00:03:37,892 --> 00:03:40,770 Pick it up, and try and slide it across other side. 45 00:03:40,852 --> 00:03:42,251 That's it. 46 00:03:42,852 --> 00:03:45,207 Oh, fucking hell, Nathe! 47 00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:49,843 They're 20 quid each, them! That were your bloody maintenance! 48 00:03:49,932 --> 00:03:52,492 - Oh, shit. - Oh, nice one. 49 00:03:52,572 --> 00:03:54,290 Nathe! 50 00:03:54,372 --> 00:03:55,771 Nathan! 51 00:03:55,852 --> 00:03:58,491 - Fucking hell! - Come 'ere, come 'ere! 52 00:03:59,052 --> 00:04:01,043 Jesus! Stay still. 53 00:04:01,132 --> 00:04:03,123 Stay still, stay still. 54 00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,843 All right. 55 00:04:06,452 --> 00:04:10,445 What's your initiative got to say about this, then, bog eyes? 56 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,286 'Ey up, there's someone coming. 57 00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:18,490 - All right?! - Aye, not so bad. 58 00:04:19,532 --> 00:04:21,329 "Not so bad"? 59 00:04:21,412 --> 00:04:24,449 "Not so bad"? That's not much of a chuffing SOS! 60 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,523 All right, don't get a benny on. 61 00:04:29,052 --> 00:04:31,043 Shit! 62 00:04:37,172 --> 00:04:39,163 Me jeans are bloody soaking! 63 00:04:39,252 --> 00:04:41,322 You should have taken your kit off. 64 00:04:41,412 --> 00:04:44,210 - What's up? Are you shy? - Don't! Shut it, all right? 65 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,010 'Ey up, Dave. 66 00:04:47,092 --> 00:04:49,083 - All right, babe? - Dad! 67 00:04:49,172 --> 00:04:52,608 What do you reckon, Dave? Eight? Maybe even a nine. 68 00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:56,002 - You can never tell till you see their tits. - Dad! 69 00:04:56,092 --> 00:04:58,845 - What's all this? - It's them Chippendale efforts. 70 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:02,447 - You what? - Them dancers. Mum were going on about it. 71 00:05:02,532 --> 00:05:05,410 Oh, you're joking! She must be getting desperate. 72 00:05:05,492 --> 00:05:09,087 - You all waiting for me, then? - Yeah! To go home. 73 00:05:09,172 --> 00:05:11,891 You know where to find me when you tire of them poofs. 74 00:05:11,972 --> 00:05:14,440 - Dad! - Come on, Gaz, I'm freezing. 75 00:05:15,132 --> 00:05:17,123 "Women only"? 76 00:05:17,212 --> 00:05:20,010 Cheeky buggers! It's a bloody working-men's club! 77 00:05:20,092 --> 00:05:22,367 I mean, look at the state of that! 78 00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,170 What have you got to smile about? 79 00:05:24,252 --> 00:05:25,924 He's got no willy, for starters. 80 00:05:26,012 --> 00:05:28,401 Nowt in a gym'll help you there, mate! 81 00:05:28,492 --> 00:05:30,960 No decent woman would be seen dead in there. 82 00:05:31,052 --> 00:05:33,008 Jean would. 83 00:05:33,572 --> 00:05:35,449 Oh, Dave, what's going on? 84 00:05:35,532 --> 00:05:37,807 It's her money, innit? 85 00:05:37,892 --> 00:05:43,603 Fucking hell! You'll let some poof wave his tackle at your missis?! Where's your pride?! 86 00:05:43,692 --> 00:05:48,243 She's already got you hoovering! I saw it and I let it go! But this? No, no, no. 87 00:05:48,332 --> 00:05:50,846 - Get her out of there. - It's women only. 88 00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:55,846 Hurry up, will you? Me feet have gone numb. 89 00:05:55,932 --> 00:06:00,608 That's gratitude for you! We're riding into Alley of Death for you, you fat git. 90 00:06:00,692 --> 00:06:02,683 It's not my fault I can't fit through. 91 00:06:04,052 --> 00:06:06,646 Right, then. I'll wait 'ere and keep guard. 92 00:06:06,732 --> 00:06:10,042 Find Auntie Jean and tell her Uncle Dave wants a word outside. 93 00:06:10,132 --> 00:06:12,441 - Do I have to? - Good kid. On you go. 94 00:06:31,772 --> 00:06:33,763 Off! Off! Off! 95 00:06:43,892 --> 00:06:46,360 I'm not waiting in that bloody queue. 96 00:06:46,452 --> 00:06:48,841 I always wanted a nosy in the men's toilets. 97 00:06:48,932 --> 00:06:50,923 Phwoar! Them bloody muscles! 98 00:06:51,012 --> 00:06:53,890 It's not their bodies, Bee. It's what they do with 'em. 99 00:06:53,972 --> 00:06:57,851 I don't know what you're worrying about, with you-know-who on your tail. 100 00:06:57,932 --> 00:07:02,005 - ? Frankie! Do you want my body? - 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey! 101 00:07:02,092 --> 00:07:05,880 Frank don't fancy me and I don't fancy Frank, right? So give over! 102 00:07:07,852 --> 00:07:09,843 Do you think he might, though? 103 00:07:13,732 --> 00:07:15,962 No. Couldn't do that to Dave. 104 00:07:16,052 --> 00:07:18,805 Not even if I wanted to. 105 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:22,650 But... you know, it's like he's given up. 106 00:07:22,732 --> 00:07:25,769 Work. Me. Everything. 107 00:07:25,852 --> 00:07:27,843 Ah, love. 108 00:07:27,932 --> 00:07:29,923 'Ere, love. This'll cheer you up. 109 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:39,800 I weren't in Girl Guides for nowt! 110 00:07:56,292 --> 00:07:57,964 Gaz! 111 00:07:58,052 --> 00:08:00,441 Gaz! That were our Jean, weren't it? 112 00:08:00,532 --> 00:08:02,523 No, no. Just a couple of old tarts. 113 00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,568 I'm going back in for Nathe. 114 00:08:09,452 --> 00:08:11,443 You're in big trouble. 115 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,682 What about Auntie Jean? 116 00:08:16,612 --> 00:08:18,728 Auntie Jean's busy. 117 00:08:27,012 --> 00:08:29,003 I don't feel well. 118 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:32,846 Of course you don't! You've got a hangover. Take a day off. Stay at home. 119 00:08:32,932 --> 00:08:35,002 Your house is messy. And it's cold. 120 00:08:35,092 --> 00:08:37,652 Come down job club. That'll be a right laugh. 121 00:08:37,732 --> 00:08:39,723 Mum's house is always warm. 122 00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:42,280 I can't always have the red carpet out for you. 123 00:08:42,372 --> 00:08:46,251 Anyway, it's not your mum's house. It's whatshisname... Barry's. 124 00:08:46,332 --> 00:08:49,927 Tell you what. Next weekend I'll have a big tidy round. I promise! 125 00:08:50,012 --> 00:08:52,003 Even go and see a footie game. 126 00:08:52,092 --> 00:08:54,447 - Yeah? - Yeah. Sunday League down the park. 127 00:08:54,532 --> 00:08:56,523 There's some right good players. 128 00:08:56,612 --> 00:08:59,001 United are playing Man U, aren't they? 129 00:08:59,092 --> 00:09:01,083 You know I can't stretch to that. 130 00:09:01,172 --> 00:09:04,323 You're always making me do stupid stuff like last night. 131 00:09:04,412 --> 00:09:06,403 Other dads don't do that. 132 00:09:07,052 --> 00:09:09,043 Don't they? 133 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,168 - Aye. - Aye. 134 00:09:14,052 --> 00:09:15,371 Nathe! 135 00:09:15,452 --> 00:09:17,920 We could try and sneak into Man U. Terry said... 136 00:09:18,012 --> 00:09:19,684 No! 137 00:09:19,772 --> 00:09:22,844 All right! I'll... I'll get tickets! I will! 138 00:09:22,932 --> 00:09:25,765 Ooh! Aah! Cantona! Has to wear a girlie bra! 139 00:09:27,532 --> 00:09:29,523 We'll stuff 'em, Nathe. 140 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,563 Fuck! 141 00:09:39,532 --> 00:09:45,767 I want the application letters finished by the time I get back. Any problems, I'm outside. 142 00:09:52,052 --> 00:09:56,364 I tell you, when women start pissing like us, that's it. 143 00:09:56,452 --> 00:09:58,761 We're finished, Dave. 144 00:09:58,852 --> 00:10:00,843 Extincto. 145 00:10:00,932 --> 00:10:03,002 Yeah, I mean... 146 00:10:03,092 --> 00:10:05,322 How? You know... 147 00:10:05,412 --> 00:10:08,404 - How? - Genetic mutations. They're turning into us. 148 00:10:08,492 --> 00:10:12,770 A few years and men won't exist. Except in a zoo or summat. 149 00:10:12,852 --> 00:10:14,922 We're not needed no more, are we? 150 00:10:15,012 --> 00:10:17,924 Obsolete. Dinosaurs. 151 00:10:18,012 --> 00:10:20,003 Yesterday's news. 152 00:10:22,292 --> 00:10:24,328 Like skateboards. 153 00:10:24,412 --> 00:10:27,051 Button it! Some of us are trying to get ajob. 154 00:10:27,132 --> 00:10:29,123 And it says no smoking in 'ere. 155 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:33,490 Aye, and it says job club up there. When did you last see one of them walk in? 156 00:10:34,892 --> 00:10:37,531 You forget, Gerald, you're not our foreman now. 157 00:10:37,612 --> 00:10:39,921 You're just like the rest of us. 158 00:10:40,012 --> 00:10:43,049 - Scrap. - Shut it, right? 159 00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:49,967 Hang on, though. Why were all them women int' working-men's club int' first place? 160 00:10:50,052 --> 00:10:52,486 Now then! Cos of us. Men. 161 00:10:52,572 --> 00:10:54,563 You call them Chippendales men? 162 00:10:54,652 --> 00:10:56,643 Degrading, that's what it were. 163 00:10:56,732 --> 00:10:58,643 How many lassies were there, though? 164 00:10:58,732 --> 00:11:01,371 Thousands. Baying for blood. 165 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,808 Ten quid to watch some fucking poof get his kit off! Ten quid! 166 00:11:04,892 --> 00:11:08,965 Times ten quid by a thousand, right? And you've got... 167 00:11:10,652 --> 00:11:12,643 Yeah, well, a lot. A very lot. 168 00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:14,051 Nah. 169 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,202 10,000 quid. 170 00:11:17,772 --> 00:11:21,162 - How much? - 10,000 quid. 171 00:11:23,772 --> 00:11:27,845 'Ey, now, Dave, I mean... It's worth a thought, though, innit? 172 00:11:29,492 --> 00:11:33,201 Little And Large prancing round Sheffield with their widgers out! 173 00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:35,283 That would be worth ten quid! 174 00:11:35,372 --> 00:11:38,489 Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying... 175 00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:42,645 - Widgers on parade! Bring a microscope! - I don't see why the chuff not! 176 00:11:42,732 --> 00:11:46,327 Because you're fat and he's thin, and you're both fucking ugly. 177 00:11:46,412 --> 00:11:48,528 Bastard! 178 00:12:01,612 --> 00:12:03,603 What's all this about sole custody? 179 00:12:03,692 --> 00:12:07,048 You know what. If you want joint custody, you pay your share. 180 00:12:07,132 --> 00:12:10,283 - 700 quid. - I'm ont' dole, in case you hadn't noticed! 181 00:12:10,372 --> 00:12:14,684 - Get ajob! I'll gi' you ajob! - £2.50 an hour in Black Hole of Calcutta! 182 00:12:14,772 --> 00:12:16,410 No, thank you. 183 00:12:16,492 --> 00:12:20,849 If you want to play your games, do that, but Nathan's gonna have two parents now. 184 00:12:20,932 --> 00:12:23,127 And your live-in lover's gonna do that? 185 00:12:23,212 --> 00:12:25,772 Abracadabra, here he is! Evening, Barry. 186 00:12:25,852 --> 00:12:28,320 That'll be for t' court to decide. 187 00:12:28,412 --> 00:12:32,325 No, it won't. Nathan's yours and mine. He's fuck-all to do with him! 188 00:12:32,412 --> 00:12:36,928 - As if you've ever given a toss. - Face it. He don't like staying at yours. 189 00:12:37,492 --> 00:12:39,881 Course he bloody does! Ask him! 190 00:12:39,972 --> 00:12:41,963 Ask him! 191 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,441 Oi, Nathe! We have a laugh, don't we? 192 00:12:44,532 --> 00:12:46,682 - Gary! Don't! - Is he in? 193 00:12:46,772 --> 00:12:48,524 Is he in?! 194 00:12:48,612 --> 00:12:50,682 Nathe! 195 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:55,128 He can't hear you through your... triple bloody glazing. 196 00:12:55,212 --> 00:12:57,043 He can hear all right. 197 00:12:57,132 --> 00:13:03,048 This... This is all wrong, this is. It's all to fucking cock. I'm his dad, and you... 198 00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:05,123 You're nobody. 199 00:13:05,212 --> 00:13:07,203 Good night, Gary. 200 00:13:19,172 --> 00:13:21,163 Night, Nathe! 201 00:13:22,132 --> 00:13:24,123 See you, kid! 202 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,811 No. Not doing it. 203 00:13:33,892 --> 00:13:36,645 - I'm not stripping. - They're taking him away. 204 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:39,292 All I need is 700 quid and they've got nowt on me. 205 00:13:39,372 --> 00:13:41,932 - Gaz, no. - Dave, he's me kid! 206 00:13:42,012 --> 00:13:44,446 I suppose there's nicking cars. 207 00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:46,841 - No! - Well, then? 208 00:13:46,932 --> 00:13:50,129 Look, I'll help, all right? I'm running, aren't I? 209 00:13:50,212 --> 00:13:52,203 But I'm taking nowt off. Final. 210 00:13:52,292 --> 00:13:54,283 Come on, Dave. Don't stop now. 211 00:13:54,372 --> 00:13:57,569 - Keep up, you fat bastard! - Gazza, you tosser! 212 00:14:05,972 --> 00:14:07,963 Do you need a hand? 213 00:14:15,452 --> 00:14:18,091 Yeah, it's your HT leads, I reckon. 214 00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:21,643 Give it a go at that. 215 00:14:29,332 --> 00:14:31,971 Didn't you work at Harrisons afore it shut down? 216 00:14:32,052 --> 00:14:34,043 I thought I clocked you! 217 00:14:34,132 --> 00:14:37,807 I were ont' floor with Gaz. Him up the road. 218 00:14:37,892 --> 00:14:40,531 How's it going, then? 219 00:14:40,612 --> 00:14:42,682 You got any work? 220 00:14:44,772 --> 00:14:46,842 No, there's not a lot about, is there? 221 00:14:46,932 --> 00:14:49,969 Well, like I say, get some new ones when you can. 222 00:14:50,052 --> 00:14:53,249 No, no, my chuffing pleasure(!) 223 00:15:03,892 --> 00:15:05,883 Dave? 224 00:15:15,772 --> 00:15:18,764 - Are you all right, kid? - You bastard! 225 00:15:23,372 --> 00:15:25,761 'Ey! 'Ey! 226 00:15:38,172 --> 00:15:40,163 You could shoot yoursen. 227 00:15:40,252 --> 00:15:43,130 Where's he gonna find a gun from round 'ere? 228 00:15:44,132 --> 00:15:47,124 You wanna find yourself a big bridge, you do. 229 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:51,842 Yeah. Like one of them bungee jumps, only without the bungee bit. 230 00:15:51,932 --> 00:15:54,400 I can't stand heights, me. 231 00:16:01,892 --> 00:16:04,087 Drowning. Now there's a way to go. 232 00:16:06,652 --> 00:16:08,643 I can't swim. 233 00:16:08,732 --> 00:16:12,247 You don't have to fucking swim, you divvy. That's the point. 234 00:16:12,332 --> 00:16:14,323 You're not very keen, are you? 235 00:16:14,412 --> 00:16:16,403 Sorry. 236 00:16:17,172 --> 00:16:19,163 I know. 237 00:16:19,252 --> 00:16:24,167 Stand in the middle of t' road and get a mate to drive smack into you right fast. 238 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,882 Haven't got any mates. 239 00:16:28,972 --> 00:16:32,760 We just saved your fucking life, so don't tell us we're not your mates! 240 00:16:34,532 --> 00:16:37,365 - Yeah? - Yeah, me an' all. 241 00:16:37,452 --> 00:16:39,920 I'd run you down soon as look at you. 242 00:16:40,012 --> 00:16:41,331 Oh, cheers. 243 00:16:41,412 --> 00:16:42,606 Ta. 244 00:16:46,252 --> 00:16:48,402 Thanks a lot. 245 00:17:04,012 --> 00:17:06,731 - What are you doing, Mum? - Where have you been? 246 00:17:06,812 --> 00:17:08,803 Driving. 247 00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:12,440 - Driving where? - Just driving. 248 00:17:13,852 --> 00:17:15,922 I thought you'd gone. 249 00:17:16,732 --> 00:17:20,042 Security guard in 'ere? No wonder he wants to kill himself. 250 00:17:20,132 --> 00:17:23,920 Well, at least one bloke got ajob out of this place being shut down. 251 00:17:24,852 --> 00:17:28,049 What did you tell him for, anyroad? The kid's a nutter. 252 00:17:28,132 --> 00:17:30,123 He's a bugle player. 253 00:17:30,212 --> 00:17:33,761 Could come in right handy. Might need a bit of music. 254 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,844 He's got a car. Somewhere to practise. 255 00:17:37,852 --> 00:17:41,447 Besides, it's good whatsitsname for the lad... Therapy. 256 00:17:41,532 --> 00:17:44,524 Oh, aye! Jiggling about in the buff. Therapy! 257 00:17:44,612 --> 00:17:49,766 I tell you, he won't be the only one trying to top himself if you carry on wi' this caper. 258 00:17:49,852 --> 00:17:52,241 Dad, I'm hungry. 259 00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:54,323 'Ey up! 260 00:18:00,172 --> 00:18:02,163 'Ey! Lomper! 261 00:18:02,252 --> 00:18:06,530 - Where's me rice? - Try the cylinder head... tubby. 262 00:18:08,372 --> 00:18:10,363 I don't like Chinese. 263 00:18:10,452 --> 00:18:12,443 Course you do... Don't you? 264 00:18:12,532 --> 00:18:15,524 - Let's see his records. - What have we got, Dave? 265 00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:19,003 "The Floral Dance." 266 00:18:20,292 --> 00:18:23,090 - "Marching With Hepworth"? - Jesus Christ! 267 00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:25,811 Hot Chocolate! Now we're talking! 268 00:18:25,892 --> 00:18:27,962 I believe in miracles 269 00:18:28,052 --> 00:18:29,804 Since you came along 270 00:18:29,892 --> 00:18:31,723 You sexy thang! 271 00:18:31,812 --> 00:18:34,121 Stick it on, Daverimo! I'm there. 272 00:18:46,252 --> 00:18:48,812 Dad! Dad, don't. 273 00:18:48,892 --> 00:18:52,771 It's all right, Nathan. It's right, is this. I've seen 'em do it. 274 00:18:52,852 --> 00:18:56,367 - Good evening, shoppers... - Dave! 275 00:18:56,452 --> 00:18:58,443 All right, all right. 276 00:18:59,052 --> 00:19:02,124 "You Sexy Thing." One, two... 277 00:19:02,212 --> 00:19:03,611 One, two, three, four. 278 00:19:50,692 --> 00:19:52,967 I need an audience. 279 00:19:53,052 --> 00:19:55,612 You need a doctor. 280 00:19:58,412 --> 00:20:01,245 I tell you, there's summat up wi' that kid. 281 00:20:06,052 --> 00:20:09,488 - Did you check the whole top end? - Yeah! 282 00:20:09,572 --> 00:20:11,563 There's no point. He went out. 283 00:20:11,652 --> 00:20:14,007 - You what? - I seen him go. 284 00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:16,083 There's the beggar. 285 00:20:17,532 --> 00:20:19,284 Oi, Nathe! 286 00:20:19,372 --> 00:20:21,522 Nathan! 287 00:20:21,932 --> 00:20:24,241 Nathan. 288 00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:28,248 Hell-fire! 289 00:20:28,332 --> 00:20:31,642 - What are you doing out here, kid? - Nowt. Walking home. 290 00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:34,041 It's miles home! You know that! 291 00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:36,566 Why did you run off like that? 292 00:20:39,652 --> 00:20:41,882 You're embarrassed, aren't you? 293 00:20:41,972 --> 00:20:44,532 You think your own dad's a dickhead. 294 00:20:46,252 --> 00:20:48,925 We're not doing this for a laugh, you know. 295 00:20:49,452 --> 00:20:51,727 I'm trying to get some brass together 296 00:20:51,812 --> 00:20:54,610 so as you and me can keep seeing each other. 297 00:20:55,572 --> 00:20:57,847 They're trying to stop us, you see. 298 00:20:58,452 --> 00:21:00,443 I may as well not bother. 299 00:21:00,532 --> 00:21:02,409 Except I'm your dad. 300 00:21:04,852 --> 00:21:07,320 It counts for something, don't it? 301 00:21:11,452 --> 00:21:13,682 I like you. 302 00:21:15,652 --> 00:21:17,643 I love you, you bugger. 303 00:21:19,892 --> 00:21:21,883 All right, kid? 304 00:21:28,692 --> 00:21:30,683 - All right? - Yeah. 305 00:21:32,772 --> 00:21:34,763 You nutter. 306 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:46,247 Well, you said dancing. 307 00:21:46,332 --> 00:21:48,323 It were a great idea, kid. 308 00:21:48,412 --> 00:21:50,880 Just not the right sort of dancing. 309 00:21:51,652 --> 00:21:53,927 Gaz! 'Ey, look 'ere. 310 00:21:54,012 --> 00:21:56,003 Oh, my God! 311 00:21:56,092 --> 00:21:59,243 Gerald, me lad, you're gonna be famous down job club. 312 00:21:59,332 --> 00:22:01,562 He's not bad for a bastard, is he? 313 00:22:01,652 --> 00:22:03,847 He's dead, that's what he is. 314 00:22:09,372 --> 00:22:11,840 You said you wanted a dance teacher. 315 00:22:11,932 --> 00:22:14,127 Gerald? Go get chuffed! 316 00:22:14,212 --> 00:22:17,648 He'd tell every bugger! We'd be laughed out of Sheffield. 317 00:22:18,052 --> 00:22:20,520 'Ey up, lads. Bandits at six o'clock. 318 00:22:23,332 --> 00:22:25,323 Come in, Torvill. 319 00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:27,403 Park your sequins over 'ere. 320 00:22:27,492 --> 00:22:31,280 - You've had your laugh. Now piss off. - It's a free country. 321 00:22:31,372 --> 00:22:34,091 - You were rather good. Nifty footwork. - Gerald! 322 00:22:34,172 --> 00:22:35,764 Oh, hello. 323 00:22:35,852 --> 00:22:40,642 - Gerald, you're missing the rumba. - Sorry, I just met some pals from... work. 324 00:22:42,572 --> 00:22:46,360 - Not thinking ofjoining our class? - Funny you should mention it... 325 00:22:46,452 --> 00:22:50,365 - I think we'd better be getting back now. - Well, good night. 326 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:53,888 You get back to your rumba. See you later, Gerald. 327 00:22:54,612 --> 00:22:56,603 At work. 328 00:23:15,932 --> 00:23:18,446 He's got gnomes. 329 00:23:18,532 --> 00:23:20,523 Aye, he bloody would have. 330 00:23:24,412 --> 00:23:26,403 Things looking up? 331 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:29,370 - You know, love, I think they just might be. - Good. 332 00:23:29,452 --> 00:23:31,443 You've been working too hard. 333 00:23:31,532 --> 00:23:35,366 You should let a colleague do the lion's share for a change. 334 00:23:35,452 --> 00:23:39,001 - I wish you'd be firmer, Gerald. - Oh, well. Mustn't be late. 335 00:23:39,092 --> 00:23:42,084 - So it's all right if I... - Oh, Linda, love... 336 00:23:42,172 --> 00:23:45,562 Oh, don't be so mean! Things are looking up. You said so. 337 00:23:45,652 --> 00:23:47,643 You'll love skiing. 338 00:23:49,652 --> 00:23:51,643 Linda... 339 00:23:54,412 --> 00:23:56,403 It don't matter. 340 00:23:56,492 --> 00:23:57,971 Bye. 341 00:24:03,372 --> 00:24:05,363 'Ey, Gaz. 342 00:24:12,292 --> 00:24:14,931 - Off to the office, Torvill? - Yes, I bloody am! 343 00:24:15,012 --> 00:24:17,003 Put that back. Put it back! 344 00:24:18,012 --> 00:24:22,005 See that? Interview. In the bloody bag. Mate from Harrisons. 345 00:24:22,092 --> 00:24:24,083 I could do the job standing on me head. 346 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:26,891 And I won't have to look at your ugly mugs again. 347 00:24:26,972 --> 00:24:31,523 - Come on, we just need some help. - Sorry. There's nothing I can do to help you. 348 00:24:31,612 --> 00:24:33,682 Just wanna know about dancing. 349 00:24:33,772 --> 00:24:36,650 Dancers have coordination, skill, 350 00:24:36,812 --> 00:24:39,372 timing, fitness and grace. 351 00:24:39,452 --> 00:24:41,841 Take a long, hard look in the mirror. 352 00:24:41,932 --> 00:24:43,923 Now, I'm busy. 353 00:24:45,052 --> 00:24:47,361 Don't be late forjob club, lads. 354 00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:50,644 Bastard! 355 00:24:54,212 --> 00:24:56,772 Starting at £16,000, plus the pension scheme. 356 00:24:56,852 --> 00:25:00,765 It'll be a relief to get back to work. It's not been an easy six months. 357 00:25:00,852 --> 00:25:04,527 I'm up to date with the latest industry developments, 358 00:25:04,612 --> 00:25:07,206 and I've kept meself 359 00:25:10,252 --> 00:25:12,641 busy, you know. 360 00:25:12,772 --> 00:25:16,162 Well, all the qualifications are there, obviously. 361 00:25:16,252 --> 00:25:19,483 And we go back further than I care to remember. 362 00:25:20,772 --> 00:25:22,569 Sorry? 363 00:25:28,212 --> 00:25:30,203 What we're asking, Gerald, is 364 00:25:30,292 --> 00:25:34,251 after such a long lay-off, do you think you're up to the job? 365 00:25:40,612 --> 00:25:41,601 You...! 366 00:25:41,692 --> 00:25:43,603 - Bastard! - Fucking hell! 367 00:25:47,452 --> 00:25:49,443 'Ey, Gerry, mate... 368 00:25:50,212 --> 00:25:53,488 - You didn't get it, then? - Get out the way! Come 'ere! 369 00:25:53,572 --> 00:25:56,405 Bastard! That were mine, thatjob! 370 00:25:56,492 --> 00:25:58,562 You don't give a toss! You're kids! 371 00:25:58,652 --> 00:26:02,964 It's different for me! I've got a standard of living! Responsibilities! 372 00:26:03,052 --> 00:26:05,850 I were on me way up! I am on me way up! 373 00:26:07,932 --> 00:26:10,321 It were me first interview in months! 374 00:26:10,412 --> 00:26:15,008 I could've got me first month's in advance. She'd never have known. 375 00:26:15,092 --> 00:26:17,083 Now what? 376 00:26:17,172 --> 00:26:19,640 She's still got credit cards, you know. 377 00:26:19,732 --> 00:26:25,125 She's out there now, ont' High Street, with a fucking Barclaycard, spending! 378 00:26:26,172 --> 00:26:28,163 Why can't you just tell her? 379 00:26:28,252 --> 00:26:32,291 How can I tell her after six months? 380 00:26:32,372 --> 00:26:36,285 A woman who wants to go skiing for us holidays! 381 00:26:39,892 --> 00:26:42,008 Skiing, for fuck's sake! 382 00:26:44,772 --> 00:26:47,570 Why did you do it? It was my job! 383 00:26:47,652 --> 00:26:51,088 It had to be my... job! 384 00:27:29,452 --> 00:27:31,807 Can't you just leave me alone? 385 00:27:44,532 --> 00:27:46,568 We stuck it with superglue. 386 00:27:46,652 --> 00:27:48,688 You can't hardly see t' join. 387 00:27:54,692 --> 00:27:56,683 - Go on. - Oh, yeah. 388 00:27:58,452 --> 00:28:01,444 We got this int' jumble, like, to say sorry. 389 00:28:03,492 --> 00:28:05,881 Wheels go round and everything. 390 00:28:08,012 --> 00:28:10,606 It's for your gnomes, really. Not you. 391 00:28:10,692 --> 00:28:12,683 I, er... 392 00:28:14,172 --> 00:28:16,606 I don't know. Er... 393 00:28:18,452 --> 00:28:20,568 It's marvellous, this. 394 00:28:25,212 --> 00:28:29,683 We were thinking, er... you can maybe put it next to... wishing well. 395 00:28:29,772 --> 00:28:31,763 Make a bit of a... 396 00:28:32,452 --> 00:28:34,443 - Feature. - Yeah. 397 00:28:34,532 --> 00:28:36,523 What do you reck? 398 00:28:41,292 --> 00:28:43,283 Ta, lads, eh? 399 00:28:44,852 --> 00:28:46,843 Ta very much. 400 00:28:48,972 --> 00:28:51,167 Cigarette me, for fuck's sake. 401 00:28:54,572 --> 00:28:57,370 Think any of them could dance? 402 00:28:57,452 --> 00:29:01,127 You're not still on about this Chippendales malarkey, are you? 403 00:29:01,212 --> 00:29:04,443 A Yorkshire version. Them buggers can, we bloody can. 404 00:29:04,532 --> 00:29:06,841 - You can't dance. - We know, Gerald. 405 00:29:06,932 --> 00:29:10,811 - Gaz, niner on its way, - Why do you think we're trailing you? 406 00:29:10,892 --> 00:29:14,931 I don't know. It's not my kind of dancing. It's all arse wiggling. 407 00:29:15,012 --> 00:29:19,847 I've got a degree in arse wiggling, mate. You learn us dancing, I'll learn you the rest. 408 00:29:19,932 --> 00:29:23,163 Gerald, for once, I'm dead serious. I need your help. 409 00:29:23,252 --> 00:29:27,450 What if someone spots me? What if Linda finds out? I've got standing, me. 410 00:29:27,532 --> 00:29:29,727 Aye, you've an overdraft an' all, mate. 411 00:30:23,452 --> 00:30:26,125 I'm sorry. Sorry. 412 00:30:27,332 --> 00:30:29,323 I thought I'd give it a go. 413 00:30:30,092 --> 00:30:32,686 I got a bit desperate. You know how it is. 414 00:30:32,772 --> 00:30:35,730 I can't even take my kit off properly, can I? 415 00:30:35,812 --> 00:30:38,770 You're all right, Reg. There's some tea if you like. 416 00:30:38,852 --> 00:30:40,808 No, thanks. The kids are outside. 417 00:30:40,892 --> 00:30:42,644 Bring 'em in. 418 00:30:42,732 --> 00:30:44,324 No. 419 00:30:44,972 --> 00:30:46,963 This is no place for kids. 420 00:30:55,932 --> 00:30:57,923 This is crazy. 421 00:31:00,252 --> 00:31:02,447 So, 422 00:31:02,532 --> 00:31:04,204 it's Mr Horse. 423 00:31:04,292 --> 00:31:05,884 Horse. 424 00:31:05,972 --> 00:31:07,963 Yeah, well, er... 425 00:31:08,052 --> 00:31:11,488 Just a minute, Mr Horse. My colleagues on the panel... 426 00:31:11,572 --> 00:31:13,927 Ask him why he's called the Horse. 427 00:31:14,852 --> 00:31:18,640 You bloody ask him! It's not cos he does the Grand National. 428 00:31:18,732 --> 00:31:23,442 That's all very well, but a big wanger is no use if you need a zimmer frame to tout it in. 429 00:31:23,532 --> 00:31:25,488 I mean, he must be 50 if he's a day. 430 00:31:25,572 --> 00:31:27,927 So, Horse, what can you do? 431 00:31:28,732 --> 00:31:30,723 Dunno, really. 432 00:31:30,812 --> 00:31:33,246 Let's see, there's the, er... 433 00:31:34,532 --> 00:31:36,523 There's the bump. 434 00:31:36,612 --> 00:31:38,603 The stomp. The bus stop. 435 00:31:38,692 --> 00:31:42,241 Me breakdancing days are probably over. 436 00:31:42,332 --> 00:31:44,926 - But I do the funky chicken. - Now you're talking! 437 00:31:45,012 --> 00:31:48,004 - All of 'em? - Well, yeah. I think so. 438 00:31:48,092 --> 00:31:51,562 Well, it's been a while, mind. And I've got this dodgy hip. 439 00:31:51,652 --> 00:31:53,210 Yeah. 440 00:31:53,292 --> 00:31:55,203 Well, stick it on, Nathe. 441 00:31:55,292 --> 00:31:57,408 Do your worst, pal. 442 00:32:38,012 --> 00:32:40,207 My favourite film's "Singing Int' Rain". 443 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:42,283 That walking-up-wall thing is ace! 444 00:32:42,372 --> 00:32:45,250 He knows me. He plastered our bathroom a while back. 445 00:32:45,332 --> 00:32:47,129 - Get rid of him. - You'll be fine. 446 00:32:47,212 --> 00:32:49,521 - He'll blow my cover. - Shut up! 447 00:32:49,612 --> 00:32:52,490 - What walking-up-wall thing? - I'll show you. 448 00:32:52,572 --> 00:32:54,608 I'm Donald O'Connor, right? 449 00:32:57,452 --> 00:32:59,443 That's the wall. 450 00:33:10,932 --> 00:33:12,923 Oh, well... 451 00:33:13,172 --> 00:33:15,527 It's better than that in the film, you know. 452 00:33:17,452 --> 00:33:20,012 So... you don't sing? 453 00:33:20,092 --> 00:33:21,764 No. 454 00:33:21,852 --> 00:33:25,322 - You don't dance? - No. 455 00:33:25,412 --> 00:33:29,246 Hope you don't think I'm being nosy, but... what do you do? 456 00:33:29,332 --> 00:33:31,323 Well, er... 457 00:33:32,052 --> 00:33:34,043 There is... this. 458 00:33:43,452 --> 00:33:46,888 Gentlemen, the lunchbox... has landed. 459 00:33:52,372 --> 00:33:54,328 Chuffing Nora! 460 00:33:54,412 --> 00:33:56,687 All right, Gerald? I didn't see you! 461 00:33:56,772 --> 00:33:59,127 I did his bathroom. 462 00:34:01,052 --> 00:34:03,043 Hello, Guy. 463 00:34:03,132 --> 00:34:04,804 Nathe... 464 00:34:04,892 --> 00:34:07,042 Nathan! 465 00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:13,566 - I say, Jean! - Yeah? 466 00:34:13,652 --> 00:34:15,643 Ever been out with a black bloke? 467 00:34:15,732 --> 00:34:18,565 - You know I haven't, Dave. - But... 468 00:34:18,652 --> 00:34:21,325 If you were ont' lookout for a new fella, right? 469 00:34:21,412 --> 00:34:23,607 If you were, just saying, 470 00:34:24,092 --> 00:34:26,083 would you think about it? 471 00:34:26,172 --> 00:34:28,163 What's got into you? 472 00:34:28,972 --> 00:34:30,963 No, would you, though? 473 00:34:32,052 --> 00:34:34,043 I might do. Yeah. 474 00:34:34,132 --> 00:34:36,123 Is that all right? 475 00:34:36,212 --> 00:34:38,851 - So it's true. - I've bloody had enough of this. 476 00:34:38,932 --> 00:34:40,923 What's true? 477 00:34:41,012 --> 00:34:43,207 What they say about black blokes. 478 00:34:43,292 --> 00:34:45,442 They've got great bodies and that. 479 00:34:45,532 --> 00:34:47,523 Some of 'em. Yeah. 480 00:34:49,412 --> 00:34:51,562 And? 481 00:34:51,652 --> 00:34:53,643 Nothing. 482 00:34:54,052 --> 00:34:59,570 David... I don't care if they're black, white, or bloody rainbow-coloured. 483 00:34:59,652 --> 00:35:01,847 I'm married to you. Remember? 484 00:35:01,932 --> 00:35:03,968 Yeah. 485 00:35:07,812 --> 00:35:09,803 Night. 486 00:35:13,332 --> 00:35:15,721 Why would I want anyone else, eh? 487 00:35:16,652 --> 00:35:18,643 Big man. 488 00:35:23,452 --> 00:35:25,602 Jeanie, 489 00:35:25,692 --> 00:35:27,887 I'm all in. 490 00:35:30,052 --> 00:35:33,249 It's amazing how tiring it is doing nowt, you know. 491 00:36:02,812 --> 00:36:04,803 They're just messing, Dave. 492 00:36:04,892 --> 00:36:07,247 - Do you reckon? - Course! 493 00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:09,607 Just Jean, innit? 494 00:36:11,452 --> 00:36:15,081 - Got any of them mint chocolate jobs? - Get lost! You're on a diet. 495 00:36:15,172 --> 00:36:18,847 - Don't you start an' all. - How much you got, then? 496 00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,003 22... 27 pence. 497 00:36:23,452 --> 00:36:26,728 £4.99, special offer. We're still a fucking fiver short. 498 00:36:26,812 --> 00:36:29,007 You know what this means, Dave? 499 00:36:30,292 --> 00:36:32,283 Oh, no! Come on, Gaz. Why me? 500 00:36:32,372 --> 00:36:36,001 You've got an innocent face. I've got serial killer written on mine. 501 00:36:36,092 --> 00:36:38,765 If you won't dance, you can do something useful. 502 00:36:38,852 --> 00:36:41,320 Jean'll throw an eppy! She's only over there! 503 00:36:41,412 --> 00:36:44,609 She's miles away! See you later. Good luck. 504 00:36:45,092 --> 00:36:48,448 - Give us a pear drop, you. - They're not paid for. 505 00:37:40,092 --> 00:37:41,764 Hey, what's this? 506 00:37:41,852 --> 00:37:46,084 I didn't go on the nick in Asda for some chuffing women's DIY video. 507 00:37:46,172 --> 00:37:48,606 It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder. 508 00:37:48,692 --> 00:37:51,525 I hope she dances better than she welds! 509 00:37:51,612 --> 00:37:54,490 - Look at that! Her mix is all to cock. - Shut up, Dave. 510 00:37:54,572 --> 00:37:58,042 - What do you know about welding? - More than some chuffing woman! 511 00:37:58,132 --> 00:38:00,600 It's like Bonfire Night. Too much acetylene. 512 00:38:00,692 --> 00:38:02,648 Them joints won't hold fuck all. 513 00:38:02,732 --> 00:38:05,200 For Christ's sake, we're looking for dancing. 514 00:38:05,292 --> 00:38:07,328 He's got the hump about Asda. 515 00:38:08,212 --> 00:38:10,362 'Ey, cop a load of that. 516 00:38:13,692 --> 00:38:16,604 What did I tell you? She's nifty on her pins. 517 00:38:19,972 --> 00:38:22,930 That, gentlemen, is what we are looking for. 518 00:38:23,012 --> 00:38:27,005 Oh, aye. I can just see him doing all that twizzling-about bollocks. 519 00:38:27,092 --> 00:38:31,370 It's souped-up tango, is that. Teach any bugger in a week. Even you, mate. 520 00:38:31,452 --> 00:38:33,443 Even a fat bastard like me? 521 00:38:33,532 --> 00:38:36,410 Yeah, I know what I am, so don't take the piss. 522 00:38:37,772 --> 00:38:40,684 All right. Two weeks. 523 00:38:40,772 --> 00:38:42,763 Straight up. 524 00:38:49,652 --> 00:38:51,643 I dunno, Gaz. 525 00:38:51,732 --> 00:38:55,611 Jean reckons I should take that security-guard job at Asda. 526 00:38:55,692 --> 00:38:57,683 Jesus! Security? 527 00:38:57,772 --> 00:38:59,842 You're worth more than that, Dave. 528 00:38:59,932 --> 00:39:01,923 She don't think so. 529 00:39:02,012 --> 00:39:05,049 I reckon summat's going on with her and that bloke. 530 00:39:05,132 --> 00:39:07,123 The juggling bugger? 531 00:39:07,212 --> 00:39:08,804 No. No way. 532 00:39:08,892 --> 00:39:10,883 It's not as if I'd blame her. 533 00:39:10,972 --> 00:39:12,963 You could show her, Dave. 534 00:39:13,052 --> 00:39:17,284 Nobody tells them Chippendales to do security. Raking it in, they are! 535 00:39:17,372 --> 00:39:21,524 Two weeks. That's what the man said, and he's not taking the piss. 536 00:39:21,612 --> 00:39:23,807 Aye, it's a thought. 537 00:39:23,892 --> 00:39:25,883 It's more than a thought. 538 00:39:26,012 --> 00:39:29,687 Think of Jean's face when she sees you dancing like "Flashdance". 539 00:39:30,532 --> 00:39:32,921 Two weeks? Just like flashy tits? 540 00:39:33,452 --> 00:39:35,443 It's what your man said. 541 00:39:36,452 --> 00:39:40,240 'Ey... I can weld better than her an' all. 542 00:39:42,492 --> 00:39:44,483 Stop! No, no! Stop! Stop! 543 00:39:44,572 --> 00:39:47,769 - What? - You stay still! 544 00:39:47,852 --> 00:39:50,969 And you... go forward, OK?! 545 00:39:51,052 --> 00:39:53,043 - OK. - All right, Nathan. 546 00:39:57,492 --> 00:40:01,371 No, no, no! Jesus Christ! 547 00:40:01,452 --> 00:40:05,445 All I want to do is get you in a straight bloody line! 548 00:40:05,532 --> 00:40:07,523 What do I have to do? 549 00:40:07,612 --> 00:40:09,921 It's the Arsenal offside trap, isn't it? 550 00:40:10,012 --> 00:40:12,287 - You what? - The Arsenal offside trap. 551 00:40:12,372 --> 00:40:14,806 Lomper here is Tony Adams, right? 552 00:40:14,892 --> 00:40:17,201 Any bugger looks like scoring, 553 00:40:17,292 --> 00:40:21,683 we all step forward in a line and wave our arms around like a fairy. 554 00:40:21,772 --> 00:40:23,330 That's easy. 555 00:40:23,412 --> 00:40:25,243 OK! 556 00:40:25,332 --> 00:40:26,287 Nathan! 557 00:40:32,932 --> 00:40:34,923 Yes! 558 00:40:35,012 --> 00:40:36,331 Perfect. 559 00:40:36,812 --> 00:40:38,165 Perfect. 560 00:40:38,252 --> 00:40:40,527 Well, you should have said. 561 00:40:44,252 --> 00:40:47,130 Come on. Get in quick, and wipe your boots. 562 00:40:49,612 --> 00:40:53,002 - Put that back. You'll break it. - I'm just looking. 563 00:40:53,092 --> 00:40:55,083 Bit posh, innit? 564 00:40:55,172 --> 00:40:57,049 Right, then. 565 00:40:57,132 --> 00:40:59,646 - Are we right? - Right for what? 566 00:40:59,732 --> 00:41:01,723 Taking us kit off. 567 00:41:02,892 --> 00:41:05,850 I thought you were turning me into a fancy dancer. 568 00:41:05,932 --> 00:41:07,968 Ladies, we are strippers, aren't we? 569 00:41:08,052 --> 00:41:10,043 What, here? Now? In this house? 570 00:41:12,132 --> 00:41:16,011 - This is a good area, this is. - Gaz... I dunno. 571 00:41:16,092 --> 00:41:20,961 If we can't get us kit off in front of ourselves, what chance have we got in front of lasses? 572 00:41:21,052 --> 00:41:22,849 Tops off. 573 00:41:26,452 --> 00:41:28,841 Come on! 574 00:41:30,612 --> 00:41:34,207 Well, no looking. And no laughing, you bastards. 575 00:41:43,172 --> 00:41:45,288 I used to have a properjob, me. 576 00:41:46,172 --> 00:41:48,891 I ask you, what are we doing? What are we doing? 577 00:41:58,172 --> 00:42:00,163 And the kecks. 578 00:42:17,052 --> 00:42:20,362 - Horse by name, horse by nature, eh? - Oh, shut it, you! 579 00:42:20,452 --> 00:42:23,046 - How come you're so brown? - No reason. 580 00:42:23,132 --> 00:42:28,081 - Someone's got a sunbed, eh, Gerald! - It's Linda's, and no, you bloody can't! 581 00:42:28,172 --> 00:42:30,811 What am I gonna do about this? 582 00:42:30,892 --> 00:42:32,848 It's not too bad. 583 00:42:32,932 --> 00:42:35,241 From the front, like. 584 00:42:35,332 --> 00:42:38,210 Fat, David, is a feminist issue. 585 00:42:38,292 --> 00:42:40,283 What's that supposed to mean? 586 00:42:40,372 --> 00:42:43,170 I don't bloody know, do I? But it is. 587 00:42:43,252 --> 00:42:45,402 I try dieting. 588 00:42:47,212 --> 00:42:48,964 I do try! 589 00:42:49,052 --> 00:42:52,362 It seems I've spent most of me fucking life on a diet! 590 00:42:52,452 --> 00:42:54,522 The less I eat, the fatter I get. 591 00:42:54,612 --> 00:42:57,922 - So stuff yourself and get thin. - Oh, shut up, saggy tits! 592 00:42:58,012 --> 00:43:00,003 They're not. 593 00:43:00,972 --> 00:43:04,851 A mate of Linda's had this plastic stuff put on her at this health club. 594 00:43:04,932 --> 00:43:07,844 She lost stones. It were like magic. 595 00:43:07,932 --> 00:43:09,570 Oh, what's it called? 596 00:43:09,652 --> 00:43:11,688 Anyway, it's like... clingfilm. 597 00:43:11,772 --> 00:43:13,967 - I've heard of that. - Clingfilm? 598 00:43:14,052 --> 00:43:16,566 I'm not a chicken drumstick, Gerald. 599 00:43:16,652 --> 00:43:21,646 - You wrap it round, reduce the fat... - She swears by it! 600 00:43:26,852 --> 00:43:30,162 - You can'tjust take stuff. - Sorry, mate. 601 00:43:30,252 --> 00:43:32,243 But I only owe him 120 quid. 602 00:43:32,332 --> 00:43:36,245 - That's all these'll fetch second-hand. - They're not second-hand. 603 00:43:36,332 --> 00:43:38,323 They are now, mate. 604 00:43:40,052 --> 00:43:42,805 - Put down and piss off. - Fucking hell! 605 00:43:47,292 --> 00:43:50,967 I think there's been a mistake. We'll check with the office. 606 00:43:51,052 --> 00:43:53,725 Cheers, lads. 607 00:43:53,812 --> 00:43:56,372 It's not bad, this stripping lark, is it? 608 00:44:06,612 --> 00:44:08,648 Dave and Lomps, up the wing. 609 00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:11,007 One, two, three, four. 610 00:44:11,092 --> 00:44:13,526 Left touchline, three, four. 611 00:44:13,892 --> 00:44:16,122 Right touchline, three, four. 612 00:44:16,212 --> 00:44:18,362 Offside trap. One, two, 613 00:44:18,452 --> 00:44:21,330 three, four. Now the belt, 614 00:44:21,412 --> 00:44:23,448 three. Now the shoes, 615 00:44:23,532 --> 00:44:25,887 three, four. Now the socks... 616 00:44:25,972 --> 00:44:28,850 - Hang on, I can't... - Carry on! 617 00:44:32,012 --> 00:44:34,924 - That were crap. - Well, give us a chance! 618 00:44:35,012 --> 00:44:37,651 I bet even Madonna has difficulty with her shoes. 619 00:44:37,732 --> 00:44:39,723 - You could've had me eye out! - Sorry. 620 00:44:39,812 --> 00:44:42,406 What are you doing? They're borrowed! 621 00:44:42,492 --> 00:44:44,483 We can use 'em for the show. 622 00:44:44,572 --> 00:44:46,767 It's what them Chippendales do. 623 00:44:46,852 --> 00:44:49,491 They put Velcro down the side, and then 624 00:44:49,572 --> 00:44:51,528 they're off! I'll sew 'em back up. 625 00:44:51,612 --> 00:44:53,842 Where did you learn to be an ace sewer? 626 00:44:53,932 --> 00:44:55,411 Prison. 627 00:44:58,332 --> 00:45:00,323 Cheers, Nathe. 628 00:45:04,052 --> 00:45:06,043 Come on, Al, it's me! 629 00:45:06,132 --> 00:45:09,761 Which is precisely why it's 100 quid up front. Half-price. 630 00:45:09,852 --> 00:45:15,245 If I give you t' club for nowt and you don't turn up, I've an empty bar on a Friday night. 631 00:45:15,332 --> 00:45:18,210 Course we'll turn up! I haven't got 100 quid! 632 00:45:20,132 --> 00:45:23,363 If you tell me what you're up to, it might help. 633 00:45:24,292 --> 00:45:26,283 I can't. It's top-secret. 634 00:45:27,372 --> 00:45:29,363 Sorry... 635 00:45:42,972 --> 00:45:44,963 - All right, love? - Hi, Mum. 636 00:45:45,052 --> 00:45:47,612 - What do you want? - All right, Mand? 637 00:45:47,892 --> 00:45:50,087 I'm gonna get you all your money. 638 00:45:50,172 --> 00:45:53,847 Our money. Nathan's. You know, for definite this time. 639 00:45:53,932 --> 00:45:56,810 - Yeah, right. That all? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 640 00:45:59,292 --> 00:46:04,002 Well, no. The thing is, Mand, you have to speculate to accumulate, in business. 641 00:46:04,092 --> 00:46:08,244 - I'm not sure I'm hearing this. - I'll get you it all. I just need a tiny bit. 642 00:46:08,332 --> 00:46:10,641 - You want some money? - Yeah! 643 00:46:10,732 --> 00:46:13,929 Right. I need someone int' packing section. 644 00:46:14,012 --> 00:46:17,641 £2.50 an hour. You can start now, if you like. Are you coming? 645 00:46:19,692 --> 00:46:21,045 Come on, Dad. 646 00:46:23,972 --> 00:46:25,291 Nathan. 647 00:46:25,372 --> 00:46:28,205 You can't do this, kid. It's your savings. 648 00:46:28,292 --> 00:46:31,250 I can. I just need your signature. It says int' book. 649 00:46:31,332 --> 00:46:33,368 I'd like to take my money out, please. 650 00:46:33,452 --> 00:46:35,443 Well, you bloody well can't. 651 00:46:35,532 --> 00:46:38,649 - You're all right, love. It's sorted. - It's my money! 652 00:46:38,732 --> 00:46:40,211 £100, please. 653 00:46:40,292 --> 00:46:43,648 When you're 18, you can walk in and get it yourself. 654 00:46:43,732 --> 00:46:46,405 - You said you'd get it back. - I know! 655 00:46:46,492 --> 00:46:49,211 But you don't want to listen to what I say. 656 00:46:49,292 --> 00:46:52,523 You said so. I believe you. 657 00:46:52,612 --> 00:46:54,807 You do? 658 00:46:54,892 --> 00:46:57,406 Yeah. 659 00:46:58,772 --> 00:47:00,842 Blimey, Nathe! 660 00:47:12,972 --> 00:47:16,282 Come on, come on! One, two! 661 00:47:27,052 --> 00:47:28,770 And one for luck! 662 00:48:20,692 --> 00:48:22,842 Yeah! 663 00:48:35,852 --> 00:48:37,843 It's not straight, Lomps. 664 00:48:37,932 --> 00:48:40,162 Give over, it's only a poster. 665 00:48:43,532 --> 00:48:45,887 Christ al-bloody-mighty! 666 00:48:47,932 --> 00:48:50,526 - All right, sweethearts? - Gary the lad! 667 00:48:50,612 --> 00:48:52,603 What are you up to, then, shifty? 668 00:48:52,692 --> 00:48:55,445 Bit of this, bit of that, bit of the other. 669 00:48:57,172 --> 00:49:00,403 - Just advertising for some mates. - Oh, aye. 670 00:49:00,492 --> 00:49:02,767 And who's gonna come and see your mates? 671 00:49:02,852 --> 00:49:05,446 We had the real thing up here the other day. 672 00:49:05,532 --> 00:49:07,807 Well, us mates are better. 673 00:49:07,892 --> 00:49:11,680 - Better? How's that, then? - Well... 674 00:49:13,092 --> 00:49:15,367 This lot go all the way. 675 00:49:15,452 --> 00:49:19,081 - Don't they, lads? - The full monty? You lot? 676 00:49:20,532 --> 00:49:22,921 Hell-fire! That would be worth a look! 677 00:49:23,012 --> 00:49:24,968 - See you there, then. - Ta-ra. 678 00:49:26,292 --> 00:49:28,044 Keep your hair on. 679 00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:30,930 No way. No and never. In that order, kid. 680 00:49:31,012 --> 00:49:35,210 Excuse me, no-one said anything to me about the full monty. 681 00:49:35,292 --> 00:49:39,285 You heard 'em. We've gotta give them more than your average ten-bob stripper. 682 00:49:39,372 --> 00:49:43,047 - Yeah, but... me willy. I mean to say... - Your willy?! 683 00:49:43,132 --> 00:49:46,010 - My willy! - A laughing stock. Totally! 684 00:49:46,092 --> 00:49:49,846 - Well, they're coming! - With a pair of scissors! They know it's us. 685 00:49:49,932 --> 00:49:54,210 By closing time, every bugger in Sheffield will know it's us whether we do it or not. 686 00:49:54,292 --> 00:49:57,011 We can forget it, go back to fucking job club, 687 00:49:57,092 --> 00:49:59,048 or do it and just maybe get rich. 688 00:49:59,132 --> 00:50:01,043 And I tell you, 689 00:50:01,132 --> 00:50:04,761 folks don't laugh so loud when you've a grand in your pocket. 690 00:50:05,372 --> 00:50:07,363 Now, are you in 691 00:50:07,452 --> 00:50:09,568 or are you out? 692 00:50:11,732 --> 00:50:15,486 ...all sorts of problems for drivers on the Pennines. 693 00:50:16,252 --> 00:50:18,766 So, please avoid the area if possible. 694 00:50:18,852 --> 00:50:23,164 The good news is that the outlook for the rest of the week is much better, 695 00:50:23,252 --> 00:50:27,609 with the storms clearing to leave the weekend warm and sunny. 696 00:50:27,692 --> 00:50:31,731 Now, back to the music. Here's another disco classic from the '70s. 697 00:50:31,812 --> 00:50:33,291 It's Donna Summer with 698 00:50:33,372 --> 00:50:35,363 "Hot Stuff". 699 00:51:32,412 --> 00:51:34,004 No. 700 00:51:34,092 --> 00:51:36,447 Gerald, come on, mate. Just an hour! 701 00:51:40,652 --> 00:51:43,120 You've got some fit birds in there. 702 00:51:45,252 --> 00:51:47,243 Nah. Tits are too big. 703 00:51:47,332 --> 00:51:48,924 Yeah? 704 00:51:49,012 --> 00:51:50,411 Didn't know they could be. 705 00:51:52,772 --> 00:51:54,763 Anti-wrinkle cream. 706 00:51:54,852 --> 00:51:57,412 'Ey, can fellas use this an' all? 707 00:51:57,492 --> 00:51:59,483 Do you mind, you! 708 00:52:00,612 --> 00:52:05,766 Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all. 709 00:52:05,852 --> 00:52:07,843 You what? 710 00:52:07,932 --> 00:52:10,605 They're gonna be looking at us like that. 711 00:52:12,612 --> 00:52:16,605 What if, next Friday, 400 women say: "He's too fat, he's too old, 712 00:52:16,692 --> 00:52:19,490 and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser." 713 00:52:19,572 --> 00:52:22,609 - They wouldn't. - Why not? He said her tits are too big. 714 00:52:22,692 --> 00:52:25,252 That's different. We're... blokes. 715 00:52:25,332 --> 00:52:26,924 Yeah. And? 716 00:52:27,012 --> 00:52:29,128 I think she's got nice tits. 717 00:52:29,212 --> 00:52:32,761 I never said owt about her personality. She's probably quite nice. 718 00:52:32,852 --> 00:52:35,241 They won't say nowt about your personality. 719 00:52:35,332 --> 00:52:37,448 Which is good cos you're a bastard. 720 00:52:37,532 --> 00:52:41,047 Bollocks to your personality! This is what they're looking at. 721 00:52:41,132 --> 00:52:43,327 And I tell you summat, mate. 722 00:52:43,412 --> 00:52:47,724 Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream, there is none. 723 00:52:48,852 --> 00:52:50,649 Here... lads. 724 00:52:56,332 --> 00:52:58,368 Oh, mother! 725 00:52:58,452 --> 00:53:01,922 - Bloody hell! - Gaz said he wanted something a bit flashy. 726 00:53:02,012 --> 00:53:04,606 It's top of the range. Real leather. 727 00:53:04,692 --> 00:53:06,205 Yeah, but... 728 00:53:06,292 --> 00:53:08,726 - You don't get much. - What day is it? 729 00:53:08,812 --> 00:53:11,167 - Monday. - When are we on? 730 00:53:11,252 --> 00:53:14,483 Friday. Dress rehearsal tomorrow. 731 00:53:17,332 --> 00:53:19,323 I think I'm gonna be sick. 732 00:53:25,692 --> 00:53:29,002 How can I read the instructions? There wasn't any. 733 00:53:29,092 --> 00:53:31,970 No? Well, maybe there's a part missing. 734 00:53:32,052 --> 00:53:35,442 Yeah, I got that. If that's what you call it. 735 00:53:35,532 --> 00:53:38,410 Well, if it's all there, how come it's not working? 736 00:53:41,492 --> 00:53:43,767 What do you mean, in what sense? 737 00:53:43,852 --> 00:53:47,242 It's not working in the sense that it's not working. 738 00:53:47,332 --> 00:53:49,323 No, I can't speak up. 739 00:53:49,412 --> 00:53:53,371 Nothing's happening, you know what I mean? Nothing's getting bigger. 740 00:53:53,452 --> 00:53:55,920 Well, this is an emergency, is this. 741 00:54:44,412 --> 00:54:46,403 What's the matter, big man? 742 00:54:49,852 --> 00:54:51,843 I'm sorry. 743 00:54:58,492 --> 00:55:00,483 Dave... 744 00:55:03,932 --> 00:55:05,923 Dave. 745 00:55:19,412 --> 00:55:21,403 You're ahead. 746 00:55:21,772 --> 00:55:23,649 Give us a break! 747 00:55:26,812 --> 00:55:28,803 All right, kid. 748 00:55:30,332 --> 00:55:32,323 Tell us straight. 749 00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:36,564 We're not making the biggest arses of ourselves in the known universe, are we? 750 00:56:43,052 --> 00:56:44,929 Dave, mate. 751 00:56:45,012 --> 00:56:48,846 Can I have a word? In private, like. 752 00:56:50,012 --> 00:56:52,572 Yeah. I suppose so. 753 00:56:52,652 --> 00:56:55,041 Dave, you won't tell anyone, will you? 754 00:56:55,132 --> 00:56:58,124 No, your, er... Your secret's safe with me. 755 00:57:01,212 --> 00:57:03,407 When I were about 12, 756 00:57:03,492 --> 00:57:07,371 our school took us for... for swimming lessons. 757 00:57:07,452 --> 00:57:09,682 Mixed classes. 758 00:57:09,772 --> 00:57:11,763 You know, boys 759 00:57:11,852 --> 00:57:13,843 and... er 760 00:57:13,932 --> 00:57:16,651 and girls. 761 00:57:20,772 --> 00:57:23,286 It were terrible, Dave. I were there 762 00:57:23,372 --> 00:57:25,932 standing at t' side of t' pool in me trunks 763 00:57:26,012 --> 00:57:29,288 with all these pretty lassies around in bikinis! 764 00:57:29,372 --> 00:57:31,363 And... Well, I... 765 00:57:31,452 --> 00:57:33,568 I got, er... 766 00:57:39,012 --> 00:57:41,207 I got a stiffy! 767 00:57:41,292 --> 00:57:44,682 - What did you do? - I jumped into t' deep end. 768 00:57:44,772 --> 00:57:46,763 I nearly fucking drowned! 769 00:57:46,852 --> 00:57:48,843 What if it happens again? 770 00:57:48,932 --> 00:57:51,321 Think of that, eh? In front of 400 women! 771 00:57:51,412 --> 00:57:53,368 Gerald, 772 00:57:53,452 --> 00:57:55,647 you're talking to t' wrong man. 773 00:58:01,812 --> 00:58:05,327 - You said it were just your mum. - It's family. 774 00:58:05,412 --> 00:58:08,643 - What can you do? - Who the hell-fire's that? 775 00:58:09,452 --> 00:58:11,443 Oh, no. 776 00:58:11,532 --> 00:58:13,409 It's Beryl. 777 00:58:13,492 --> 00:58:15,483 Me niece! 778 00:58:16,212 --> 00:58:18,203 Where's Dave? 779 00:58:23,652 --> 00:58:25,529 'Ere, Dave! 780 00:58:25,612 --> 00:58:27,011 Dave! 781 00:58:27,092 --> 00:58:29,447 - What are you doing? - What does it look like? 782 00:58:29,532 --> 00:58:32,729 We're on in three days' time! Where the fuck are you?! 783 00:58:32,812 --> 00:58:35,451 I'm 'ere, working! Earning! That's where. 784 00:58:35,532 --> 00:58:37,523 Not pissing about! 785 00:58:37,612 --> 00:58:39,443 End of chat. 786 00:58:40,972 --> 00:58:42,803 Dave. 787 00:58:42,892 --> 00:58:45,087 - Come on, Dave. - No. 788 00:58:45,172 --> 00:58:47,003 All right, then. 789 00:58:47,092 --> 00:58:50,528 - Oooh, very nice. - Gaz, please, don't. 790 00:58:50,612 --> 00:58:53,684 - Come on, Mr Security Guard. Do yourjob. - Gazza! 791 00:58:53,772 --> 00:58:56,764 Horse, go out and tell 'em there's a delay. 792 00:58:56,852 --> 00:58:58,888 They won't wait for ever. 793 00:59:11,852 --> 00:59:13,843 Keep up, you fat bastard! 794 00:59:18,052 --> 00:59:21,010 Don't ever call me a fat bastard, all right?! 795 00:59:21,092 --> 00:59:23,481 - All right?! - We need you, Dave. 796 00:59:26,252 --> 00:59:28,243 I can't. 797 00:59:31,052 --> 00:59:34,362 I just can't. All right? 798 00:59:35,932 --> 00:59:40,323 Listen, just think of the most boring thing you can come up with. 799 00:59:40,412 --> 00:59:43,006 - That should keep it well in order. - Like what? 800 00:59:43,092 --> 00:59:46,562 - Double-glazing salesmen. - Gardening. The Queen's speech. 801 00:59:46,652 --> 00:59:48,563 A Dire Straits double album. 802 00:59:48,652 --> 00:59:51,689 - Nature programmes. - I like nature programmes. 803 00:59:51,772 --> 00:59:55,367 Aye, but they don't give you a hard-on, though, do they? 804 00:59:55,452 --> 00:59:57,044 Do they? 805 00:59:57,132 --> 01:00:00,408 - Blimey... - Oh, shut up! It's not funny. It's medical. 806 01:00:05,492 --> 01:00:07,687 He's not coming. 807 01:00:09,732 --> 01:00:11,802 It's all right. We can do without him. 808 01:01:50,789 --> 01:01:52,905 So your daddy dances in front of you? 809 01:01:52,989 --> 01:01:55,549 When he's rehearsing. 810 01:02:00,829 --> 01:02:03,548 We were dancing all right then, an' all. 811 01:02:03,629 --> 01:02:05,699 My feet are freezing. 812 01:02:05,789 --> 01:02:08,349 Right. Name. 813 01:02:08,429 --> 01:02:10,420 Gary Schofield. 814 01:02:14,389 --> 01:02:16,619 - Gerald Arthur Cooper. - What? 815 01:02:16,709 --> 01:02:18,700 Gerald Arthur Cooper. 816 01:02:21,269 --> 01:02:24,102 - Barrington Mitchell. - Barrington? 817 01:02:24,189 --> 01:02:25,542 Yeah. 818 01:02:25,629 --> 01:02:27,620 - Is that one R? - Two. 819 01:02:48,789 --> 01:02:51,383 Told you. Robbing pipes, that's all. 820 01:02:51,469 --> 01:02:53,460 Gary, my friend, 821 01:02:53,549 --> 01:02:55,619 no bugger robs pipes in the buff. 822 01:02:55,709 --> 01:02:57,461 We do. 823 01:02:57,549 --> 01:02:59,619 Don't get your clothes dirty, do you? 824 01:02:59,709 --> 01:03:04,339 Oh. Well, don't fret, gents. There's a right good laundry in Wakefield prison. 825 01:03:08,949 --> 01:03:11,588 Security-camera tapes off the front desk. 826 01:03:11,669 --> 01:03:13,739 What happened to the security guard? 827 01:03:24,469 --> 01:03:26,460 You're always ahead there. 828 01:03:26,549 --> 01:03:29,109 You're always bloody behind, more like. 829 01:03:29,189 --> 01:03:32,067 Look... Excuse me, can I borrow this for a second? 830 01:03:33,869 --> 01:03:36,337 Look, shut up, will you?! Watch. 831 01:03:39,669 --> 01:03:41,660 He's right. 832 01:03:41,749 --> 01:03:44,468 - You're ahead. - Oh, go... bollocks! 833 01:04:05,229 --> 01:04:07,220 Ssh! Be quiet! Me mum'll hear. 834 01:04:07,309 --> 01:04:10,301 - I've always wanted to meet your mum. - Ssh! 835 01:04:19,669 --> 01:04:23,344 What do you mean, I can't see him? He's me son! I haven't been charged! 836 01:04:23,429 --> 01:04:25,420 Ask Smiler in there! No charge! 837 01:04:25,509 --> 01:04:28,899 Sorry. Social Services have requested an interview with you. 838 01:04:28,989 --> 01:04:31,549 Have to make an appointment. 839 01:04:35,669 --> 01:04:38,581 - I've come to pick up my son. - Oh, right. Er... 840 01:04:38,669 --> 01:04:40,580 Just a minute. 841 01:04:40,669 --> 01:04:42,899 He's fine. We've not been charged or owt. 842 01:04:42,989 --> 01:04:46,584 So this is your great money-making enterprise? Pornography? 843 01:04:46,669 --> 01:04:48,864 Don't be daft! We're getting your money. 844 01:04:48,949 --> 01:04:50,940 My money?! Nathan's money! 845 01:04:51,029 --> 01:04:53,259 - Here he is. - All right, Dad? 846 01:04:53,349 --> 01:04:55,988 - All right, kid? - Yeah, fine. Hi, Mum. 847 01:04:56,069 --> 01:04:57,707 Come on, love. 848 01:04:57,789 --> 01:04:59,586 We're going now. 849 01:04:59,669 --> 01:05:01,660 - Come on, Mand! - Unemployed, 850 01:05:01,749 --> 01:05:06,061 maintenance arrears of £700, and now an arrest for indecent exposure. 851 01:05:06,149 --> 01:05:08,709 - Still think you're a good father? - He is trying. 852 01:05:08,789 --> 01:05:10,939 - See? - A bit late for that. 853 01:05:11,029 --> 01:05:13,907 - Hang on a minute! - Look at yourself, Gary! 854 01:05:13,989 --> 01:05:15,980 Just look at yourself. 855 01:05:51,549 --> 01:05:53,540 All right, mate? 856 01:05:54,269 --> 01:05:56,499 So. 857 01:05:57,829 --> 01:05:59,820 And this has been going on how long? 858 01:06:03,749 --> 01:06:05,740 About six months. 859 01:06:12,269 --> 01:06:14,544 I can cope with losing the sunbed. 860 01:06:14,629 --> 01:06:16,620 Car. Television. 861 01:06:17,069 --> 01:06:21,108 I can even cope with the shame of everyone watching this. 862 01:06:21,189 --> 01:06:24,465 But six months! Six bloody months! 863 01:06:24,549 --> 01:06:26,585 And you wouldn't say to me, 864 01:06:27,709 --> 01:06:29,859 to your wife. 865 01:06:33,189 --> 01:06:35,180 I thought you liked them. 866 01:06:36,469 --> 01:06:38,744 No, Gerald. I've never liked 'em. 867 01:07:02,909 --> 01:07:06,379 They've taken me sunbed. They've taken bloody everything. 868 01:07:06,469 --> 01:07:09,381 - Kept hold of your chips, though. - House repossessed. 869 01:07:09,469 --> 01:07:11,266 Wife thrown me out. 870 01:07:11,349 --> 01:07:13,146 Guess what. 871 01:07:13,229 --> 01:07:15,185 I've just been offered thatjob. 872 01:07:16,269 --> 01:07:18,100 Congratulations. 873 01:07:25,509 --> 01:07:27,500 - All right, kid? - Hiya! 874 01:07:27,589 --> 01:07:29,784 - Fancy a kick-about int' park? - Yeah. 875 01:07:32,069 --> 01:07:33,866 Nathe. 876 01:07:33,949 --> 01:07:35,348 Hiya. All right, love? 877 01:07:35,429 --> 01:07:36,828 You shouldn't be here. 878 01:07:36,909 --> 01:07:40,265 - Says who? - Read the lawyer's letter, why don't you? 879 01:07:41,909 --> 01:07:44,707 We're going swimming, Dad. Do you wanna come? 880 01:07:47,229 --> 01:07:49,106 I can't, kid. 881 01:07:49,189 --> 01:07:51,145 Haven't brought me trunks, have I? 882 01:07:51,229 --> 01:07:55,017 - We can go get 'em. Can't we, Mum? - I can't, love. 883 01:07:55,109 --> 01:07:56,098 Why? 884 01:07:57,829 --> 01:07:59,820 I just... 885 01:08:01,269 --> 01:08:03,260 I just can't. Sorry. 886 01:08:04,469 --> 01:08:06,937 He's not allowed, is he? 887 01:08:10,709 --> 01:08:12,700 Come on, love. 888 01:08:48,869 --> 01:08:50,541 Dave! 889 01:08:50,629 --> 01:08:52,620 Oi, you deaf twat! 890 01:08:52,709 --> 01:08:55,542 What do you want now? I told you, I'm finished with you. 891 01:08:55,629 --> 01:08:57,620 We're all finished, Dave. 892 01:08:57,709 --> 01:08:59,586 I'm a bloody marked man now. 893 01:09:01,749 --> 01:09:04,900 Sorry about your Nathan. It's a bad one, that. 894 01:09:04,989 --> 01:09:06,980 Aye. 895 01:09:07,309 --> 01:09:09,300 It's about Lomper. 896 01:09:09,389 --> 01:09:11,744 What's that pasty-faced chuffer want? 897 01:09:11,829 --> 01:09:13,820 His mum died two days ago. 898 01:09:16,669 --> 01:09:18,739 Poor lad. Sorry. 899 01:09:18,829 --> 01:09:21,821 - Could you borrow us ajacket for t' funeral? - Gaz...! 900 01:09:21,909 --> 01:09:24,946 Come on, Dave! It's not for me, it's a funeral! 901 01:09:27,909 --> 01:09:29,900 What colour? 902 01:09:30,789 --> 01:09:32,541 Orange. 903 01:09:32,629 --> 01:09:35,302 - Orange? - Black, for fuck's sake! 904 01:09:35,389 --> 01:09:38,665 All right. Look, I'll meet you by t' doors. 905 01:09:49,069 --> 01:09:52,027 - Nice one. - Come on, then. 906 01:09:52,109 --> 01:09:54,464 - Have you got some time off? - Nah. 907 01:09:54,549 --> 01:09:57,109 Fucking pick'n'mix were driving me crazy. 908 01:09:57,189 --> 01:09:59,180 Besides, it's a funeral. 909 01:09:59,269 --> 01:10:02,067 - Are you ready? - Ready when you are. 910 01:11:09,469 --> 01:11:11,585 They bloody are, you know. 911 01:11:11,669 --> 01:11:13,625 They're holding hands. 912 01:11:13,709 --> 01:11:16,143 - They're never. - Straight up. 913 01:11:17,069 --> 01:11:19,458 I never even hold hands with ruddy lassies. 914 01:11:19,549 --> 01:11:21,380 Maybe I should. 915 01:11:21,469 --> 01:11:25,303 Ah, who'd have ruddy thought it, eh? 916 01:11:27,429 --> 01:11:30,227 Ah, well. There's nowt as queer as folk. 917 01:11:33,069 --> 01:11:35,742 I said, "There's nowt as queer as folk"! 918 01:11:35,829 --> 01:11:38,741 Shut up, Dave. It's supposed to be a bloody funeral. 919 01:11:38,829 --> 01:11:41,423 I'm sorry. 920 01:11:49,669 --> 01:11:52,388 - 'Ey, look! Who's that? - It's that guy! 921 01:11:52,469 --> 01:11:54,460 Show us your pecs! 922 01:11:57,269 --> 01:12:00,227 They were together in the paper, weren't they? 923 01:12:04,469 --> 01:12:08,178 Have you been actively seeking work over the last fortnight? 924 01:12:08,269 --> 01:12:09,463 Yeah. 925 01:12:09,549 --> 01:12:12,939 Have you done any work, paid or unpaid, over the last fortnight? 926 01:12:13,029 --> 01:12:14,587 No. 927 01:12:16,549 --> 01:12:19,109 That's not what I've heard. 928 01:13:05,829 --> 01:13:08,548 Right, come on, you lot! 929 01:13:11,029 --> 01:13:12,667 "Slaidburn." 930 01:13:15,869 --> 01:13:18,622 One, two, three, four. 931 01:13:56,269 --> 01:13:58,988 - Go get shagged! - Get your knickers off! 932 01:14:03,789 --> 01:14:05,780 Oh, fuck! 933 01:14:06,069 --> 01:14:08,060 Hey, Patricia the Stripper! 934 01:14:08,829 --> 01:14:11,787 - Bugger off. - Where have you bloody been? 935 01:14:11,869 --> 01:14:15,464 What's going on? I had to buy 20 barrels! I've had no word from you! 936 01:14:15,549 --> 01:14:17,699 I hope they're sale or return. 937 01:14:17,789 --> 01:14:20,542 You're joking! You're bloody famous! 938 01:14:20,629 --> 01:14:22,824 Yeah, don't remind me. 939 01:14:22,909 --> 01:14:26,424 - I've sold 200-odd tickets! - How many? 940 01:14:26,509 --> 01:14:28,500 Well done, Gerald. All the best. 941 01:14:28,589 --> 01:14:30,659 Hey! Example for you there! 942 01:14:35,149 --> 01:14:37,947 - Nice suit, Gerald! - Yeah. 943 01:14:38,029 --> 01:14:40,020 Well, I... I'd best be off. 944 01:14:40,109 --> 01:14:43,624 You never know, there might be ajob in it for you boys. 945 01:14:43,709 --> 01:14:45,700 - All right, lads? - All right, Gaz? 946 01:14:45,789 --> 01:14:48,349 - Gareth. - We're on. 947 01:14:48,429 --> 01:14:50,385 We're bloody on! 948 01:14:50,469 --> 01:14:54,144 - You what? - We've sold 200 tickets. That's two grand! 949 01:14:54,229 --> 01:14:57,665 It's a bit late for all that, Gaz. I mean... 950 01:14:57,749 --> 01:14:59,740 I mean fresh start, you know. 951 01:14:59,829 --> 01:15:01,820 One more time, Gerald. 952 01:15:01,909 --> 01:15:05,026 You've got the rest of your fucking life to wear a suit! 953 01:15:05,109 --> 01:15:07,100 - Gerald... - Aye, go on! 954 01:15:07,189 --> 01:15:08,668 Come on, Gerald. 955 01:15:11,789 --> 01:15:13,780 - Just once. - Yes! 956 01:15:13,869 --> 01:15:16,019 That's all. Just tonight. 957 01:15:17,749 --> 01:15:19,899 How about it, Dave? 958 01:15:20,909 --> 01:15:23,377 Haven't you grown out of all that yet? 959 01:15:23,469 --> 01:15:25,699 Come on, mate. 960 01:15:26,829 --> 01:15:29,218 Nah. Sorry, lads. 961 01:15:37,309 --> 01:15:39,300 Jean? 962 01:15:41,109 --> 01:15:43,100 Jean, love! 963 01:15:49,909 --> 01:15:51,900 There you are. 964 01:15:56,269 --> 01:16:00,057 I should have guessed when you started wearing totty lotion. 965 01:16:00,149 --> 01:16:02,140 You never put it on for me, did you? 966 01:16:03,069 --> 01:16:05,060 - Jean? - Or this? 967 01:16:06,709 --> 01:16:09,701 I never had you down for this sort of caper, David. 968 01:16:10,709 --> 01:16:13,303 It explains a few things, at least. 969 01:16:13,389 --> 01:16:15,744 No, look... I know it don't look good. 970 01:16:15,829 --> 01:16:17,945 You're bloody right it don't. 971 01:16:19,069 --> 01:16:21,708 All those nights you were late back 972 01:16:21,789 --> 01:16:25,668 and stupid cow here thought you were out looking for ajob! 973 01:16:25,749 --> 01:16:27,705 Well, no wonder. 974 01:16:27,789 --> 01:16:29,780 No bloody wonder. 975 01:16:29,989 --> 01:16:33,220 - It's so obvious. - No, I were with Gaz, honest. 976 01:16:33,309 --> 01:16:36,938 Oh, right! She's one of Gaz's little tarts, is she? 977 01:16:37,029 --> 01:16:39,020 Well, that makes sense. 978 01:16:39,109 --> 01:16:41,782 She'd have to be to put up with this kind of shit! 979 01:16:45,189 --> 01:16:49,023 Just listen, will you?! It's nowt to do with any fucking women! 980 01:16:51,149 --> 01:16:53,140 I'm... 981 01:16:53,229 --> 01:16:55,220 I were a stripper, right? 982 01:16:55,309 --> 01:17:00,861 Me and Gaz and... some fellas thought we'd make a bob or two taking us clothes off. 983 01:17:03,109 --> 01:17:05,100 Strippers? 984 01:17:05,189 --> 01:17:07,259 All right, all right, I know. 985 01:17:07,349 --> 01:17:10,068 You... and Gaz? 986 01:17:10,149 --> 01:17:12,140 Strippers? 987 01:17:12,229 --> 01:17:14,220 We weren't that bad. 988 01:17:16,189 --> 01:17:18,464 Only I couldn't, could I? 989 01:17:18,549 --> 01:17:20,540 Why not? 990 01:17:21,509 --> 01:17:23,500 Well, look at me. 991 01:17:25,469 --> 01:17:27,460 So? 992 01:17:28,549 --> 01:17:31,109 Jeanie, who wants to see this dance? 993 01:17:33,909 --> 01:17:35,900 Me, Dave. 994 01:17:36,989 --> 01:17:38,980 I do. 995 01:18:01,869 --> 01:18:03,860 Women only, you tosser! 996 01:18:03,949 --> 01:18:07,385 Women only! It's on all t' posters, for fuck's sake. 997 01:18:07,469 --> 01:18:09,061 No, nobody told me. 998 01:18:09,149 --> 01:18:11,617 All the blokes from t' pub are in there. 999 01:18:12,069 --> 01:18:15,823 - Bastards! - You'll be all right once you're on stage. 1000 01:18:15,909 --> 01:18:17,900 Once I'm on stage? 1001 01:18:17,989 --> 01:18:23,222 I'm going nowhere near the fucking stage! It's suicide! That's what it is! Suicide! 1002 01:18:31,629 --> 01:18:34,302 Come on, come on! Come on, come on! 1003 01:18:34,389 --> 01:18:36,857 Come on, come on! Come on! 1004 01:18:37,669 --> 01:18:39,580 Shit! I'll give the money back. 1005 01:18:39,669 --> 01:18:41,500 Alan, announce it, please. 1006 01:18:41,589 --> 01:18:44,149 To 400 horny punters? Ask me another one, kid! 1007 01:18:44,869 --> 01:18:46,427 By 'eck! 1008 01:18:46,509 --> 01:18:49,501 Our old dinner lady's ont' front row! 1009 01:18:49,589 --> 01:18:52,467 - We'll get torn to pieces! - You will if you don't go on! 1010 01:18:52,549 --> 01:18:55,382 Ever seen a zebra brought down by a pack of wolves? 1011 01:18:55,469 --> 01:18:59,781 - These nature films. Aren't they marvellous? - Brilliant, aren't they? 1012 01:18:59,869 --> 01:19:02,747 - They are, aren't they, Gerald? - Oh, pack it in! 1013 01:19:02,829 --> 01:19:05,866 - Not lost your bottle, have you, Gaz? - Dave! 1014 01:19:05,949 --> 01:19:08,747 There were nowt on telly so I thought I'd give it a go. 1015 01:19:08,829 --> 01:19:12,424 - I found this wandering about outside. - They wouldn't let me in. 1016 01:19:12,509 --> 01:19:15,387 What the hell are you doing 'ere? Your mum'll go mad! 1017 01:19:15,469 --> 01:19:17,460 - She's out front. - Is she? 1018 01:19:17,549 --> 01:19:19,540 Is Barry with her? 1019 01:19:19,629 --> 01:19:22,302 She wouldn't let him come. Said it were women only. 1020 01:19:22,389 --> 01:19:25,301 Right! I can't hold them any longer! It's now or never! 1021 01:19:25,829 --> 01:19:27,820 Here we go. We're bloody on. 1022 01:19:27,909 --> 01:19:30,139 Go get yourjacket on. 1023 01:19:33,149 --> 01:19:35,583 Can't we leave us G-strings on, Gaz? 1024 01:19:35,669 --> 01:19:37,660 Perhaps you better had. 1025 01:19:37,749 --> 01:19:39,740 No, we better hadn't. 1026 01:19:39,829 --> 01:19:43,026 Listen. If we're doing this, then just this once, 1027 01:19:43,109 --> 01:19:45,100 we're doing it right. 1028 01:19:45,189 --> 01:19:46,986 Now, come on. 1029 01:19:48,149 --> 01:19:50,868 Come on, put your hands together 1030 01:19:50,949 --> 01:19:53,144 and welcome Mr Dave Horsefall! 1031 01:20:02,349 --> 01:20:05,659 OK, ladies and gents... and you buggers up the back there! 1032 01:20:06,629 --> 01:20:07,948 Get on with it! 1033 01:20:08,029 --> 01:20:12,341 We may not be young, we may not be pretty, we may not be right good, 1034 01:20:12,429 --> 01:20:14,465 but we're here. 1035 01:20:14,549 --> 01:20:16,824 We're live, and for one night only 1036 01:20:16,909 --> 01:20:19,742 we're going for the full monty! 1037 01:20:21,149 --> 01:20:23,458 You can't miss it, not after everything. 1038 01:20:24,549 --> 01:20:27,905 - Come on, Gaz! Hurry up! - Sorry, lads. 1039 01:20:29,829 --> 01:20:31,945 Good luck, eh? 1040 01:21:00,189 --> 01:21:02,180 Listen. 1041 01:21:02,269 --> 01:21:04,305 I'm gonna get really annoyed with you. 1042 01:21:04,389 --> 01:21:06,619 They're cheering out there. You did that. 1043 01:21:06,709 --> 01:21:08,859 Now get out there and do your stuff. 1044 01:21:08,949 --> 01:21:11,417 God, is there anyone I don't get bollocked by? 1045 01:21:11,509 --> 01:21:13,500 Out! 1046 01:23:01,549 --> 01:23:03,540 Off! Off! Off! 1047 01:23:26,469 --> 01:23:28,983 Off, off, off! 1048 01:23:29,069 --> 01:23:30,058 Yeah! 1049 01:24:16,069 --> 01:24:18,060 Subtitles by: Sabrina