1 00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:46,177 Coolidge College was established in 18-- 2 00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:48,770 Who knows this? It was in your freshman facts. 3 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:52,340 The first day of spring semester. 4 00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:54,511 A time to say good-bye to the parents once again... 5 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:57,613 and say hello to a few new student bodies. 6 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,020 As for me, well... 7 00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:07,361 I like to start off each semester with a certain time-honored tradition. 8 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,833 A ritual, if you will, that allows me... 9 00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:12,200 to get my head in the right place. 10 00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:21,269 Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old... 11 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:25,109 but she is just so damn good. 12 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,652 She's great with these quick jobs... 13 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,884 plus there is no substitute for decades of experience. 14 00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:35,722 That looks amazing. 15 00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:39,055 That is perfect. You're a pro. 16 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:40,564 A pro. 17 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,232 Look at me. 18 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:44,633 Pro. 19 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,771 Well, gosh, that was great. Thanks for the quick job there. 20 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:54,344 I need these in 20 minutes. 21 00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:57,179 Super. 22 00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,367 We've got a jumper! 23 00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:34,384 Hold on, son. You don't want to do this. 24 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:38,014 I didn't want to come here either. They made me come! 25 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:39,648 They made me! 26 00:02:41,794 --> 00:02:44,627 First year can be kind of scary, can't it, Timmy? 27 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,256 My name's not-- 28 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:50,632 But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... 29 00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:52,295 Timmy? 30 00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:55,499 I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter... 31 00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,473 because you'll die a lot of times. 32 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,574 Write that down. 33 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,241 - I don't have a pen. - Well, remember that then. 34 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,750 And you know something, Timmy? 35 00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,250 I think you've got the balls to make it here. 36 00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:13,257 Call me nuts... 37 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,427 but I believe in you. 38 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:21,992 You see, Timmy, you can't let this lead you all the time. 39 00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:25,161 Sometimes you've gotta heed this. 40 00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:28,763 I think you've got a lot of heart in there, mister, don't you? 41 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,411 Don't you? I mean, look around you. 42 00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,208 Timmy? 43 00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,989 Great work, Van. Thanks! 44 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:46,024 Remember my credo, Timmy. 45 00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,992 Don't be a fool. Stay in school. 46 00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,591 God, I love this place. 47 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,636 Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man. 48 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,763 I called you last night, Van. 49 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:08,042 My name is Van Wilder, and this is my home... 50 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:09,512 Coolidge College. 51 00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:22,791 The last, well, seven years have gone by way too fast. 52 00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:27,298 This school's given me so much. I just can't seem to give enough back. 53 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,301 - That's Van. - That's him! 54 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,469 Oh, my God! 55 00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:35,973 - Wow. - Yeah. Wow. 56 00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:46,243 I was the first-ever male cheerleader at Huntington High! 57 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,411 The first ever! 58 00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,983 Give me a V! Give me an A! 59 00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:54,685 Give me an N! What does it spell? 60 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:58,525 I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... 61 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,121 on himself though. 62 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,593 You'll become disciplined. 63 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:05,534 Your mind will become a weapon. 64 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:20,478 I'm sorry. You really just don't fit the profile. 65 00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:25,718 We're just gonna do a little bit of word association. 66 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,292 Cookies! 67 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,092 - My name is Van. - Hi, my name is Terry. 68 00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:39,837 Let's get it started then, shall we? 69 00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:55,552 Big finish. 70 00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,085 Medic. 71 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:03,356 - Having us both at the same time... - Will definitely lighten your load. 72 00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:06,455 - We will bend over backwards for you. - There's nothing too big... 73 00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,761 - we can't handle. - And we mean nothing. 74 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,133 - We'll stay on top of you... - And ride you all semester. 75 00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:13,899 Basically, we're saying we won't blow the job, Van. 76 00:06:19,011 --> 00:06:22,378 By the way, can you tell me if there'll be any international travel? 77 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:27,419 Seriously, I swear to God, I'm really uncomfortable now. 78 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,578 It's time you should go. 79 00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:38,153 Not one acceptable candidate. 80 00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:40,391 What is wrong with the youth of today? 81 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,196 The Internet, dude. 82 00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,897 Fries their brain cells, man. 83 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,237 It's cool, Colossus. We'll find somebody. 84 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,243 C-los, get your ass off my shirt. 85 00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,485 You really should have him neutered, man. 86 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:02,019 That's up to him. 87 00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:04,681 They are getting bigger, aren't they? 88 00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,588 I'll get that. 89 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:14,193 Looks like we got one more. 90 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:23,831 What's your name? 91 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,538 I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad. 92 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,444 Where are you from, Taj? 93 00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:33,110 I'm an exchange student from Banglapur, India. 94 00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:35,949 Welcome. What can we do for you? 95 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,489 My exchange program culminates at the end of this school year... 96 00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:43,289 at which time I must return to my home country... 97 00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:46,126 where I do not have many friends. 98 00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:49,861 I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant. 99 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:52,403 Okay. We're just gonna do a little word association. 100 00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,803 Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk. 101 00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:56,465 Tit! 102 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:58,373 Oh, Mommy. 103 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,639 Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred... 104 00:08:00,746 --> 00:08:03,647 but I hear ”milk," I think giant jugs. 105 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:06,149 You see, I cannot go home a virgin. 106 00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:09,779 I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. 107 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,420 To smack clam, munch rug... 108 00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:16,290 dine at just one American pink taco stand. 109 00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:19,762 You know, I wanted to-- how is it-- park the porpoise. 110 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:23,097 I want to take it through the car wash, baby. 111 00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:26,296 And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! 112 00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:28,669 You know, and air dry. 113 00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:31,174 Air dry that shit, yeah. 114 00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:35,111 And I would like to be your assistant very much... 115 00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:37,182 Mr. Van Wilder. 116 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,513 You'll need a copy of my class schedule so you can take notes. 117 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:40,984 You'll also handle my finances. 118 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,180 I lecture at the freshman crisis group every other Monday. 119 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,257 I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular... 120 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,519 and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash to Battle Bulimia this semester. 121 00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:50,187 This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's gone by he hasn't had an ailment. 122 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:52,696 Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That was his fault. 123 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:55,426 - Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin. - Thanks, Van. 124 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,435 Don't pick at it. Moving on. 125 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,665 I'm moving my 7:15 to 8:15, my 8:15 to 9:45... 126 00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,764 and my 9:45 till Wednesday. 127 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,775 You owe $75,000 for the speed boat. 128 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,777 Cancel my guest lecture at the Wharton School next week. 129 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,541 I feel like going somewhere tropical. Tahiti. Are you writing this down? 130 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:11,879 - Yes, sir. - You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred. 131 00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:14,953 Schedule a massage after my golf game tomorrow afternoon. 132 00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,215 - With a happy ending? - Ah, yes. 133 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:21,282 And another $39,000 for your son's tuition and housing this semester. 134 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,454 Tuition? Van is still in school? 135 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,293 For the better part of a decade. 136 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,764 "Depression: Is Prozac really the answer?" 137 00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,773 "Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda." 138 00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:37,775 "Tracking Tuition: Where does our money really go?" 139 00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:41,472 Each article well-written and researched by our own Gwen Pearson... 140 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:45,847 and each article skipped over by the majority of the student body. 141 00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,443 I don't care. I won't pander to them. 142 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:56,518 "Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown" by Darius Grayson. 143 00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:59,257 - Is that the same-- - Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson. 144 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:01,265 He was an alumnus of our journalism staff. 145 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,666 He wrote his best stuff in detox. Still does, I'm told. 146 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:08,399 I have got a very challenging assignment for you. 147 00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,634 A story that nobody's been able to get. 148 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:13,610 - About what? - No, no. It's about whom. 149 00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:32,360 It does not look good. 150 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,592 That's the end of the first half... 151 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,692 and the Chickadees will need a miracle to come back and score. 152 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,071 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step away from Van's vehicle. 153 00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:51,342 Wilder! 154 00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,816 He's got no business parking there. That's my spot. 155 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,555 They need me, Ted. 156 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:04,151 This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf!. 157 00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:07,892 I can't hear the boos! Now, listen up. 158 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,594 I'm only gonna go over this one more time. 159 00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:13,729 In the event they switch to a zone defense... 160 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,672 we must swing the ball around the perimeter. 161 00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:20,746 This ball club is the heart of this institution. 162 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,838 You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks. 163 00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:26,440 You're not boxing out, Big Papa. You're my Windex man. 164 00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:28,247 I want you shining glass. 165 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,946 We gotta D up out there. Darius. 166 00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:32,957 I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake. 167 00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:35,619 What are you looking at? Your mom said you left your legs at home. 168 00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:37,855 For God's sake! 169 00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:40,693 I'd do anything for you guys... 170 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,734 which is why I'm throwing you a little soiree tomorrow night... 171 00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,530 but not without a W tonight. 172 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:48,038 You want to know why? Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys. 173 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,631 Hey, man, you gonna invite those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke? 174 00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:53,405 I already did. 175 00:11:53,512 --> 00:11:56,504 They said they'd try to make it if they weren't humping the Matadors. 176 00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:59,083 - The Matadors? - What? 177 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,152 Come on. We got a ball game to win. 178 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,522 Let's go kick some Matador tail-- 179 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:34,314 How bad do you wanna be... 180 00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:36,510 a Delta? 181 00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:39,090 Would you walk on broken glass? 182 00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:42,183 Let the shards tear into your Achilles tendon... 183 00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:44,319 causing acute achondroplasia... 184 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,422 which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older? 185 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:51,594 Ease up on the medical terms. Just keep it simple and terrifying. 186 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:56,198 Gordon, there are very few things more terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism. 187 00:12:56,308 --> 00:12:59,675 Hey, Richard. Ready to study? 188 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,873 Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20. 189 00:13:02,982 --> 00:13:05,416 I'm in the middle of an 80-year tradition here. 190 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:11,120 I will be up when I'm done with my presidential responsibilities. 191 00:13:11,223 --> 00:13:13,191 Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs. 192 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,227 Who's my alabaster princess? 193 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,291 You are. You are. 194 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,366 Relax, guys. They're just Doritos. 195 00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,374 Listen to me, you little fuck stains! 196 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:33,343 When I count to three, you will jump or be banished from this house forever! 197 00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:35,913 One, two-- 198 00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,078 Fuck! 199 00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:07,442 Excuse me. Where can I find Van Wilder? 200 00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:10,447 In the Guiness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... 201 00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:13,017 under "Raddest fucking dude alive"! 202 00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:15,109 Okay. Thanks. 203 00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:17,246 In any one of these three rooms, Gramps. 204 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,202 Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy. 205 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:37,036 Dad, what are you doing here? 206 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,368 - Thank God. - No jammies. 207 00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:43,971 - Party foul. - No, don't-- Oh, dear God. 208 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:46,313 Next time you'll know better. 209 00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:54,884 Seven years, and no degree. You should have graduated twice by now. 210 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,723 I've done a lot in seven years. 211 00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:59,059 If you don't have your doctorate, you haven't done enough. 212 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:01,724 But you have wasted enough of your time and my money. 213 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:05,031 Pack up your panties, son, because we are headin' home. 214 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,142 I'm staying here with my friends. 215 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:15,702 Fine. Maybe your friends can pay your tuition. 216 00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:19,250 Because this morning I placed a stop payment on this semester's check. 217 00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:20,818 I'm sorry, son. 218 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,412 Sometimes in life you have to realize a poor investment... 219 00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,013 and cut your losses. 220 00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:30,393 Write that down. 221 00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:44,541 I need more time. 222 00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:46,543 There's got to be something that we can work out. 223 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,541 What is that intoxicating scent you're wearing, Doris? 224 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:52,913 I have cats. 225 00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,918 Meow! 226 00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:01,623 Maybe you could put me on some sort of extension... 227 00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:04,620 program? 228 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:08,291 - A little pay-as-you-go? - Are you trying to seduce me? 229 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,733 Who, me? No! 230 00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:21,712 You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea. 231 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,476 Being bad seldom is. 232 00:16:34,226 --> 00:16:36,353 Oh, yeah. 233 00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:38,760 That's the shit. 234 00:16:38,864 --> 00:16:41,662 Guess what. I'm feeling a little cold sore coming on. 235 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,930 Maybe we shouldn't do this for three to six weeks. 236 00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:49,269 Shut up, bitch, and give me some sugar. 237 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:03,752 Fill this out. It's a standard payment plan extension form. 238 00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:08,185 You mean, we didn't have to-- 239 00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:11,023 But aren't you glad we did? 240 00:17:24,743 --> 00:17:26,643 You can either mail this in or drop it off. 241 00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:27,973 Go, baby, go! 242 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,810 Mail it in! 243 00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:34,710 Mail it in! Mail it in. 244 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,983 Van, you must make four monthly payments of $5,000 each. 245 00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,615 I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. 246 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:44,127 I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore. 247 00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,220 A good soldier does not leave his commander... 248 00:17:46,331 --> 00:17:49,391 just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets... 249 00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:52,368 intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. 250 00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,462 I will stay on at no charge. 251 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,302 Okay. 252 00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,467 Exactly how much money do you have? 253 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,807 - He has only $34. - Damn, Van! 254 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,905 What the hell you gonna do with $34, man? 255 00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:39,682 Congratulations, Taj! Your first blow job. 256 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:42,948 In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases... 257 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,682 is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 258 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,953 Desiree is the foremost connoisseur of chili con carne... 259 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,254 and a TA at Coolidge. 260 00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:51,226 I wish I had teachers like that. 261 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:54,857 And just like that, Topless Tutors was born. 262 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,129 X... 263 00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:01,502 equals... six? 264 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:02,539 Yeah! 265 00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:05,770 We knew you could do it. 266 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,073 Desi told me how she and a few of her grad school pals... 267 00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,239 could use some extra income. 268 00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:12,579 Taj proved to be an excellent company accountant... 269 00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:15,346 as well as our most valued client. 270 00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:27,959 Excuse me. 271 00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:32,432 I'm looking for information on a current student here, Van Wilder. 272 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:41,004 Freshman year. I'll get the others. 273 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:44,776 - Wait. There are more of these? - Actually, there are many more. 274 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,681 It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite come out of his shell... 275 00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:50,016 until mid-sophomore year. 276 00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:52,956 Thanks. 277 00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:58,855 It's like this itchy, rashy burning sensation. 278 00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:01,057 And it hurts when I-- 279 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,995 - Dance? - When I pee. 280 00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:07,969 - You hooked up with a burner. - Yeah. 281 00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:10,633 She seemed like a nice girl, said it was her first time? 282 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:13,472 Always check the quality of the turf before you step onto the field. 283 00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:16,446 Listen, go to the campus hospital, see Stu. 284 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:20,040 Tell him Van sent you, and remember-- Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool. 285 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:21,642 Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot. 286 00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:23,721 Don't thank me. Thank penicillin. 287 00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:28,924 Crazy kids with their crazy VD. 288 00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:33,162 - You must be Van. - Hi. 289 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,332 I'm Gwen Pearson, staff writer for The Liberator. 290 00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:42,898 Okay, look, that old bag is stronger than she looks. 291 00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:46,102 I'm doing a human interest piece on you. 292 00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:49,009 I'm flattered. I'd love for your piece to be on me. 293 00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:53,950 But sadly I don't do interviews. Never have, never will. I do lunch. 294 00:20:54,052 --> 00:20:56,282 My editor did say this would be a challenge. 295 00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:58,379 Van, second date with Emily. 296 00:20:58,490 --> 00:21:01,254 Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. 297 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,624 - Has anyone told you that before? - Yes, my boyfriend. 298 00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:06,431 Is it true that this is your seventh year at Coolidge? 299 00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:08,931 Carry the two-- Yes, that's correct. 300 00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:11,093 So what's your boyfriend's name? Does he go to school here? 301 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,262 - Does he appreciate you? - That's none of your business. 302 00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:15,602 You know what? You're right. 303 00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:21,044 His name's Richard. He's premed. 304 00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:23,046 Van, you have a 1:30 with the swim team. 305 00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:24,479 On it. 306 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:26,710 - You have an assistant? - Yes, I do. 307 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:31,218 Is there anything you can tell me about yourself... 308 00:21:31,323 --> 00:21:33,791 that I haven't already found out from your public records? 309 00:21:33,892 --> 00:21:36,053 I'll be at the quad tomorrow night at 10:00. Sound good? 310 00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:39,562 - It's a date. - It's an interview, not a date. 311 00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:44,896 Gwen, first dates are interviews. 312 00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:48,731 You going out tonight? 313 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,469 Rob's coming over. I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen. 314 00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:54,909 The dynamic duo will seal the deal tonight. 315 00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:56,913 Good luck, ladies. 316 00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:03,343 Somebody got awfully dressed up to quiz me on my anatomy midterm. 317 00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:06,253 I'm so sorry, baby. I totally forgot. 318 00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:08,918 - I have an interview for the paper. - At 10:00 at night? 319 00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:12,258 Can't you postpone it? Gwen, first exam-- most crucial. 320 00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:15,765 It's not like you're on a deadline for the Boston Globe. 321 00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,836 It's the only time he had available. I'll call you as soon as I get back. 322 00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:20,427 Bye. 323 00:22:21,773 --> 00:22:23,263 He? 324 00:22:28,714 --> 00:22:31,615 All right. Gwen, all right! You're just in time. 325 00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:33,685 - Take your clothes off. - I'm not taking off my clothes. 326 00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:38,017 It is the Naked Mile Run. Everybody else is in their birthday suit. 327 00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:40,958 Except that guy. 328 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,391 - I have a few questions for you. - In time. This is gonna be fun. 329 00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:47,624 You know that three-letter word that starts with F? 330 00:22:47,733 --> 00:22:50,702 So you're quite the campus man, heading events like the Jäger Olympics. 331 00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:54,033 Yes, well, you haven't lived... 332 00:22:54,139 --> 00:22:56,073 until you've shot putted blitzed on Jäger. 333 00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:58,972 - Heinie? - This was a really bad idea. 334 00:23:00,412 --> 00:23:02,812 Are we gonna reschedule or what? 335 00:23:13,024 --> 00:23:14,924 Who's a big boy? 336 00:23:16,428 --> 00:23:18,658 Oh, God! 337 00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:20,891 Those things could raise the Titanic. 338 00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:23,964 You Van Wilder? 339 00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,503 The strip club owner got tired of using his B squad... 340 00:23:26,605 --> 00:23:29,506 so he came back for the starting lineup. 341 00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:31,337 Topless Tutors was dead. 342 00:23:33,011 --> 00:23:35,673 We are truly up the Ganges River without a bamboo oar. 343 00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:38,511 We're still $1,200 short of your next tuition payment. 344 00:23:38,617 --> 00:23:42,178 Taj, I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. 345 00:23:42,287 --> 00:23:44,585 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 346 00:23:44,689 --> 00:23:46,247 Write that down. 347 00:23:46,358 --> 00:23:48,622 Don't even sweat it, Taj. I've got a plan. 348 00:23:50,061 --> 00:23:51,824 - Let's go get fucked up. - Sounds good. 349 00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,397 Is that all you think about? 350 00:23:53,498 --> 00:23:55,261 I admit I applied for this job... 351 00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:58,097 because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump... 352 00:23:58,203 --> 00:24:00,728 but I do not believe that this dilemma will be solved by partying. 353 00:24:04,709 --> 00:24:06,540 Can I help you, son? 354 00:24:07,345 --> 00:24:09,245 I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder. 355 00:24:09,347 --> 00:24:11,281 I come to you in desperation. 356 00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:15,717 I'm Panos Patakos, president of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity. 357 00:24:15,821 --> 00:24:18,881 I'm sure you're aware of our... stigma. 358 00:24:18,990 --> 00:24:22,153 Yeah, you guys have had the best GPA the last 50 years. 359 00:24:23,161 --> 00:24:25,152 Indeed, but believe it or not... 360 00:24:25,263 --> 00:24:27,493 the best GPA doesn't get you laid. 361 00:24:27,599 --> 00:24:30,033 - Damn well should. - Amen. 362 00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:33,571 This month marks our 75th anniversary. 363 00:24:33,672 --> 00:24:37,233 I am here to ask you to aid us in throwing a party... 364 00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:39,242 a party we can be proud of... 365 00:24:39,344 --> 00:24:42,245 a party people will actually show up to. 366 00:24:42,347 --> 00:24:46,147 Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I have a bamboo oar stuck up my Gangees. 367 00:24:46,251 --> 00:24:47,843 It's very scary stuff. 368 00:24:47,953 --> 00:24:49,853 I just don't have the time. 369 00:24:51,189 --> 00:24:53,384 How much is your time worth? 370 00:24:55,093 --> 00:24:57,152 Panos reminded me that I had one... 371 00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,389 very valuable skill I'd yet to tap-- 372 00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:03,332 my undeniable ability to throw one hell of a party. 373 00:25:08,039 --> 00:25:10,940 I was hanging on by a thread, but I was still making tuition. 374 00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:17,081 The strawberry! Eat the strawberry! It's worth 250! 375 00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:20,447 - Don't you think I know that? - You treat me like a child. 376 00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:22,452 I don't like the way you condescend me. 377 00:25:22,554 --> 00:25:24,454 - Don't do that! - Frankly, you're juvenile. 378 00:25:24,556 --> 00:25:26,114 Guys. 379 00:25:26,224 --> 00:25:28,124 I know Ms. Pac Man's special. 380 00:25:28,226 --> 00:25:31,354 She's fun. She's cute. She swallows. 381 00:25:31,463 --> 00:25:33,556 But we gotta talk, guys. 382 00:25:33,665 --> 00:25:36,634 Huddle up. Come on. Team meeting here. 383 00:25:36,735 --> 00:25:39,431 Cowboy. All right. 384 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,438 I look at you guys, and you know what I see? 385 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,134 A collective GPA of 52,000? 386 00:25:44,242 --> 00:25:45,539 Yeah! No! 387 00:25:45,644 --> 00:25:47,908 I see a bunch of party animals... 388 00:25:48,013 --> 00:25:50,243 crouched in attack position, ready to strike. 389 00:25:50,348 --> 00:25:51,713 Am I right? 390 00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:54,317 No one even knows we're here. 391 00:25:54,419 --> 00:25:57,752 Au contraire, mon frères. Girls! 392 00:25:59,424 --> 00:26:02,086 I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. 393 00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:04,753 Two girls utterly infatuated... 394 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:07,423 with men who have larger than normal... 395 00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:09,762 medulla oblongatas. 396 00:26:15,941 --> 00:26:19,433 Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you. It's Friday night. Get out of here. 397 00:26:19,544 --> 00:26:22,843 I know. I'm just doing some final revisions to this piece on euthanasia. 398 00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:25,348 Oh, I read that. Made me want to kill myself. 399 00:26:25,450 --> 00:26:26,678 I'm kidding. 400 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:28,946 - Where's my Wilder story? - There is no story, Elliot. 401 00:26:29,054 --> 00:26:32,285 The guy's a joke. He tries to turn every interview into a date. 402 00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:34,688 A good writer gets her story no matter what. 403 00:26:34,793 --> 00:26:39,628 Please get me the Wilder piece. He's throwing a big party tonight. 404 00:26:39,731 --> 00:26:42,029 You should be there. 405 00:26:49,474 --> 00:26:52,272 - This is really a pimpin' good time. - Yes, it is. 406 00:26:54,746 --> 00:26:58,477 Look who's checking out the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi. 407 00:26:58,583 --> 00:27:00,983 That's "I moan" backwards. 408 00:27:02,721 --> 00:27:05,884 I put in a good word for you. 409 00:27:05,991 --> 00:27:08,721 Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie. 410 00:27:28,780 --> 00:27:31,112 These are the most pathetic bunch of pledges. 411 00:27:31,216 --> 00:27:32,808 You picked 'em. 412 00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:36,586 Hey, babe. 413 00:27:36,688 --> 00:27:39,316 - Why aren't you in costume? - I can't stay. I have to work tonight. 414 00:27:39,424 --> 00:27:41,324 You're gonna miss the biggest party of the year. 415 00:27:43,128 --> 00:27:45,062 Well, I gotta go. 416 00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:47,654 - I'll call you tomorrow. - What? 417 00:27:47,766 --> 00:27:49,666 This party so rocks, Richard. 418 00:27:49,768 --> 00:27:52,999 - This party sucks rectum, Jeannie. - Okay. 419 00:27:55,273 --> 00:27:57,173 Where the hell is everyone? 420 00:27:57,275 --> 00:27:59,573 Mad props for this pimpin' good time... 421 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:01,771 go out to those hung and handsome bad boys... 422 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,780 of Lambda Omega Omega. 423 00:28:05,116 --> 00:28:07,676 Thanks for the good time, fellas. 424 00:28:18,496 --> 00:28:21,260 - Let's get you some skates. - I'm not here to skate. 425 00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:23,527 For some reason, my editor thinks you're a story. 426 00:28:23,635 --> 00:28:25,159 What do you think? 427 00:28:25,270 --> 00:28:28,137 As a story, I think... 428 00:28:28,239 --> 00:28:29,536 you're a little soft. 429 00:28:29,641 --> 00:28:33,509 Wow, all this time I thought I was more to you than just some flaccid story. 430 00:28:34,412 --> 00:28:36,312 A dilemma has arose up front. 431 00:28:36,414 --> 00:28:39,315 - Don't know if we got our point across. - Crystal clear, guys. 432 00:28:39,417 --> 00:28:41,885 - This is incredible. - 100 percent. Don't go anywhere. 433 00:28:41,986 --> 00:28:44,477 Seriously. Van is a godsend. 434 00:28:44,589 --> 00:28:47,319 I would have paid him way more than a grand for this party. 435 00:28:47,425 --> 00:28:49,586 I would have cashed in my Israel bonds. 436 00:28:49,694 --> 00:28:52,629 - How do you put a price on dignity? - How do you put a price on poonani? 437 00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:55,165 - Yes! - Oh, God! 438 00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:58,301 Oh, my God. Feel it! 439 00:29:03,141 --> 00:29:05,735 Whoa. Trick or treat. What's going on? 440 00:29:05,844 --> 00:29:09,007 This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party. 441 00:29:09,114 --> 00:29:10,513 Graphic. 442 00:29:10,615 --> 00:29:12,913 I'm sure we can accommodate a few more, yeah? 443 00:29:13,017 --> 00:29:15,781 No can do. We're at maximum capacity. 444 00:29:19,791 --> 00:29:21,759 - What are you doing here? - You two know each other? 445 00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:23,487 That's my girlfriend, gluteous erecti. 446 00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:26,325 - You must be premed Dick. - Yeah, that's right. 447 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,628 - What's it to you? - Thanks for the story. 448 00:29:29,734 --> 00:29:30,792 What story? 449 00:29:31,002 --> 00:29:32,799 Brilliant, Pearson. 450 00:29:32,904 --> 00:29:35,134 I have been inundated with people telling me... 451 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,367 how much they enjoy reading about this guy. 452 00:29:37,475 --> 00:29:40,273 They want more, and so do I. I want you to do a follow-up. 453 00:29:40,378 --> 00:29:42,608 I did your story, Elliot. I'm not doing another one. 454 00:29:42,714 --> 00:29:45,080 Even if I tell you it's gonna be on the front page of the graduation issue... 455 00:29:45,183 --> 00:29:46,445 in two months? 456 00:29:48,586 --> 00:29:51,487 And I quote, "Van Wilder is a party pimp." 457 00:29:51,589 --> 00:29:54,490 Sick Boy. Can you believe she wrote that? 458 00:29:54,592 --> 00:29:57,618 Van Wilder's phone. I do not foresee that to be a problem. 459 00:29:57,729 --> 00:30:00,357 And that guy she's with-- all kinds of wrong for her. 460 00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:04,231 - Sick Boy, how are you doing? - Van, the shingles are all gone. 461 00:30:05,270 --> 00:30:06,669 That ointment really worked. 462 00:30:06,771 --> 00:30:08,136 Thanks. 463 00:30:08,239 --> 00:30:10,139 Lookin' good there, buddy. 464 00:30:15,947 --> 00:30:18,211 - He'll call you back. - Unbelievable. 465 00:30:18,316 --> 00:30:20,750 Van Wilder's phone. 466 00:30:20,852 --> 00:30:23,912 - Terrible. - I think so. Yeah. 467 00:30:24,022 --> 00:30:26,047 - Hang on. - Unbelievable. 468 00:30:26,157 --> 00:30:28,523 Van's room. Saturday night, yeah. 469 00:30:28,626 --> 00:30:31,322 That's-- How did you-- From the paper? 470 00:30:31,429 --> 00:30:34,091 Yeah, that's fine! Okay, thanks. 471 00:30:34,199 --> 00:30:36,429 - No problem confirming. Bye. - This writing, it's just-- 472 00:30:37,802 --> 00:30:40,794 I was just wondering if you could... slam the door in my face. 473 00:30:40,905 --> 00:30:42,668 Van, you must listen to me. 474 00:30:42,774 --> 00:30:46,403 Because of her article, everybody wants to have a party thrown by Van Wilder... 475 00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:48,206 the party liaison. 476 00:30:48,313 --> 00:30:50,679 Your cash camel has arrived! 477 00:30:54,819 --> 00:30:56,719 We need to talk. 478 00:30:59,224 --> 00:31:01,624 This is why I don't do interviews. You totally slammed me. 479 00:31:01,726 --> 00:31:04,126 You journalists and your irresponsible reporting. 480 00:31:04,229 --> 00:31:07,198 I recorded quotes that you got money from the Lambdas to throw them a party. 481 00:31:07,298 --> 00:31:10,096 Recorded? What are you, bugged? Do I need to frisk you? 482 00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,192 Why is my story such a big deal to you? 483 00:31:12,303 --> 00:31:15,170 Because I didn't want the students to know I threw the party. 484 00:31:15,273 --> 00:31:18,470 They paid me, but that's not the only reason I did it. 485 00:31:18,576 --> 00:31:21,807 Lambdas are cool in their own right. People just needed to realize it. 486 00:31:21,913 --> 00:31:25,371 I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a benevolent agenda. 487 00:31:25,483 --> 00:31:27,815 There's two sides to every story, Gwen. 488 00:31:27,919 --> 00:31:30,319 I have a chance to make front page of the graduation issue... 489 00:31:30,421 --> 00:31:32,685 which is a huge deal to me. 490 00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:35,156 Let me get the other side. 491 00:31:35,260 --> 00:31:37,524 There's this function I'm hosting tomorrow night. 492 00:31:37,629 --> 00:31:40,689 If you want... you could tag along. 493 00:31:40,798 --> 00:31:43,028 - I'll be there. - It's a date. 494 00:31:43,134 --> 00:31:45,694 It's an interview. 495 00:31:45,803 --> 00:31:47,828 Remember, today's assignment is about shadow. 496 00:31:47,939 --> 00:31:50,066 So don't get too hung up on detail. 497 00:31:50,174 --> 00:31:52,074 All right, everybody? 498 00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:54,007 Oh, Lord! 499 00:31:56,214 --> 00:31:59,308 So much sinew, I need a bigger pencil. 500 00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:01,351 8:30 p.m. Yeah, that's fine. 501 00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:06,848 Word spread around campus. My calendar was filled with parties to plan. 502 00:32:06,958 --> 00:32:10,519 Van Wilder, party liaison, was born. 503 00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:14,764 At the Hillel House, I broke bread. 504 00:32:14,866 --> 00:32:16,766 And then I broke the boredom. 505 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:24,208 They said I did them a mitzvah. That's Yiddish for "good deed." 506 00:32:24,309 --> 00:32:26,777 Write that down. 507 00:32:26,878 --> 00:32:29,369 Oh, yeah, she came too. 508 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:35,977 This is the second party of his she's gone to. 509 00:32:36,087 --> 00:32:37,452 Sounds serious. Threatened? 510 00:32:39,557 --> 00:32:41,787 Threatened? Please. 511 00:32:43,428 --> 00:32:46,761 I'm president of both my fraternity and the student government. 512 00:32:47,765 --> 00:32:50,199 He's nothing more than a mild rectal itch. 513 00:32:51,669 --> 00:32:53,660 You know what you do about a mild rectal itch, Gordo? 514 00:32:53,771 --> 00:32:55,864 - What's that, Richard? - You scratch it. 515 00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:57,908 Then you scratch it some more. 516 00:32:58,009 --> 00:32:59,909 The more you scratch at it, the worse it gets... 517 00:33:00,011 --> 00:33:03,572 until finally you have nothing left but a raw, chafed... 518 00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:06,582 possibly infected anal cavity. 519 00:33:07,685 --> 00:33:09,050 Then it's won. 520 00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:12,919 When all you had to do from the start was take a medicated pad... 521 00:33:14,692 --> 00:33:15,852 and smother it. 522 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:23,490 All right, people, midterm is next week. 523 00:33:25,203 --> 00:33:27,103 Here you have your five categories-- 524 00:33:27,205 --> 00:33:30,106 commerce and trade, so forth and so on. 525 00:33:30,208 --> 00:33:31,971 What you doing? 526 00:33:33,077 --> 00:33:35,807 I'm in the middle of class. You know, that five-letter word. 527 00:33:35,913 --> 00:33:38,882 I thought we could spend some time together... 528 00:33:38,983 --> 00:33:41,281 for the story. 529 00:33:42,820 --> 00:33:44,720 I want you to have this. 530 00:33:46,457 --> 00:33:49,051 - Yeah. - And thank you. 531 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:52,391 All right, things to remember-- commerce and trade-- 532 00:33:52,497 --> 00:33:55,330 Everybody just file out in an orderly fashion. 533 00:34:04,308 --> 00:34:06,742 What? Come on. Hop in. 534 00:34:06,844 --> 00:34:08,744 I am not getting in that thing with you. 535 00:34:08,846 --> 00:34:11,212 If you want the story, you'll get in this thing with me. 536 00:34:13,684 --> 00:34:15,584 What happened? Is everyone okay? 537 00:34:20,758 --> 00:34:21,816 Wilder. 538 00:34:24,328 --> 00:34:26,455 Are we gonna get in trouble for being in here? 539 00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:29,499 It's cool. Equipment manager owes me a favor. I introduced him to his wife. 540 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,966 Life is all about developing relationships, Gwen. 541 00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:34,664 I hope you can skate. 542 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,502 So the deal is, I score... 543 00:34:38,609 --> 00:34:41,169 you cooperate and answer all my questions? 544 00:34:41,279 --> 00:34:43,747 - I miss-- - Dinner for two, me and you. 545 00:34:44,615 --> 00:34:46,014 Clothing optional. 546 00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:10,598 Come on! 547 00:35:17,915 --> 00:35:18,973 Holy crap. 548 00:35:38,669 --> 00:35:41,638 My brothers play hockey... 549 00:35:41,739 --> 00:35:43,639 for the Rangers. 550 00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:47,277 My dad just didn't see me as a sound investment anymore. 551 00:35:47,378 --> 00:35:51,314 But he gave up on me and my mom long before I ever came here. 552 00:35:53,518 --> 00:35:55,645 Maybe seven years of tuition... 553 00:35:55,753 --> 00:35:58,187 is a good way to remind him that you're still angry. 554 00:35:59,924 --> 00:36:03,655 So how long have you and premed Richard been together? 555 00:36:03,761 --> 00:36:06,992 - Since my freshman year. - I bet he's a tighty whitey guy. 556 00:36:07,098 --> 00:36:10,090 - Excuse me? - White, elastic band, constrictive. 557 00:36:10,201 --> 00:36:12,465 You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. 558 00:36:12,570 --> 00:36:14,060 Like you. Granny panties, I bet. 559 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:16,663 Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type? 560 00:36:17,875 --> 00:36:20,105 I just wanted a visual. 561 00:36:20,211 --> 00:36:23,112 I think it takes a lot more than the kind of underwear one wears... 562 00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:24,875 to define them as a person. 563 00:36:25,983 --> 00:36:27,416 Like what? 564 00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:29,418 Like their actions. 565 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,420 For instance, most people... 566 00:36:31,522 --> 00:36:34,218 want to get out of school so they can make money. 567 00:36:34,325 --> 00:36:37,294 You're trying to make money to stay in school. 568 00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,796 - Why? - I like it here. 569 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,098 What about your future? 570 00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:49,572 - You take life way too seriously. - Life is serious. 571 00:36:49,674 --> 00:36:52,404 I used to party with this guy who once told me... 572 00:36:52,510 --> 00:36:55,638 "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." 573 00:36:58,416 --> 00:37:00,646 He used to write for the school paper. 574 00:37:00,751 --> 00:37:03,914 He kept babbling about the differences between light and dark beer. 575 00:37:06,424 --> 00:37:08,756 Very strange, but good advice. 576 00:37:08,859 --> 00:37:12,920 You think about the future too much, you kinda forget about the present... 577 00:37:13,030 --> 00:37:14,998 obviously. 578 00:37:15,099 --> 00:37:18,330 And I am really enjoying the present right now... 579 00:37:18,436 --> 00:37:21,564 sharing a penalty box and a tri-latte with Gwen Pearson... 580 00:37:21,672 --> 00:37:25,335 who believes censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. 581 00:37:25,443 --> 00:37:27,570 You actually read that article? 582 00:37:27,678 --> 00:37:31,375 Okay, look, I read the damn article, but don't tell anyone... 583 00:37:31,482 --> 00:37:33,916 because if word gets out that I read, my reputation-- 584 00:37:34,018 --> 00:37:36,851 shot to hell. 585 00:37:41,192 --> 00:37:43,820 She's smart, she's beautiful... 586 00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,828 she can skate. 587 00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:49,627 She's not for you, dude. She's too high-strung. 588 00:37:49,734 --> 00:37:51,861 Besides, babes that fine-- 589 00:37:51,969 --> 00:37:54,904 they're way into themselves and shit. 590 00:37:57,041 --> 00:37:59,202 After this weekend, we should have sufficient funds... 591 00:37:59,310 --> 00:38:01,210 to cover your next two payments. 592 00:38:01,312 --> 00:38:03,473 I mean, this girl is dynamite. 593 00:38:05,383 --> 00:38:07,442 Too bad she's dating Strapper John, MD. 594 00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:15,524 - Where did you find that? - In your room a few days ago. 595 00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:18,857 I'm trying to spark this bong, but this damn thing won't light. 596 00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:21,761 That's no bong! It's for my schlong! 597 00:38:27,238 --> 00:38:28,899 Hold on. 598 00:38:29,006 --> 00:38:31,167 You mean I put my mouth on your cock pump? 599 00:38:32,610 --> 00:38:33,668 Oh, damn! 600 00:38:38,749 --> 00:38:41,081 I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night... 601 00:38:41,185 --> 00:38:44,120 and I just wanted to bring my A game. 602 00:38:44,221 --> 00:38:48,658 Taj, come on! That's what I'm here for, right? 603 00:38:48,759 --> 00:38:50,818 Now, follow my foolproof plan... 604 00:38:50,928 --> 00:38:53,988 and I'm gonna help you put the bang in Banglapur. 605 00:38:54,765 --> 00:38:56,960 All you need are the three fundamentals-- scented candles... 606 00:38:58,369 --> 00:39:00,394 massage oil... 607 00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:02,131 and Barry White. 608 00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:04,469 Write that down. 609 00:39:04,575 --> 00:39:07,806 - Hey, no cock pump. - No cock pump. 610 00:39:07,912 --> 00:39:09,311 Barry White. 611 00:39:10,414 --> 00:39:13,212 - I'm gonna go wash my hands now. - Oh, Gwen! 612 00:39:13,317 --> 00:39:17,151 Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus. 613 00:39:19,457 --> 00:39:21,357 I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. 614 00:39:21,459 --> 00:39:24,121 I'm releasing my seminal fluids inside of you now! 615 00:39:37,975 --> 00:39:39,875 Are you okay? 616 00:39:41,746 --> 00:39:43,179 Yeah. Why? 617 00:39:45,583 --> 00:39:47,346 Didn't you-- 618 00:39:47,451 --> 00:39:49,351 It's kinda hard in 15 seconds. 619 00:39:50,321 --> 00:39:51,618 Damn it! 620 00:39:54,091 --> 00:39:56,821 You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams. 621 00:39:58,662 --> 00:40:00,755 - I'm sorry. - Look, I'm sorry. 622 00:40:00,865 --> 00:40:03,663 This semester's marks could determine the next ten years of our lives. 623 00:40:03,768 --> 00:40:05,668 Do you realize that? 624 00:40:07,538 --> 00:40:09,096 You know... 625 00:40:09,206 --> 00:40:12,300 you shouldn't take life too seriously. 626 00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:14,310 You'll never get out alive. 627 00:40:18,682 --> 00:40:21,344 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 628 00:40:24,722 --> 00:40:27,316 I'm late for my study group. 629 00:40:35,966 --> 00:40:38,696 She was getting awfully chummy with the rectal itch. 630 00:40:38,803 --> 00:40:41,363 Son of a bitch. Disappear! 631 00:40:41,472 --> 00:40:43,372 Yes, superior leader, sir. 632 00:40:46,977 --> 00:40:49,275 It's time to excise that cancerous lump. 633 00:40:49,380 --> 00:40:52,543 Forget him. Let's crap in the chapter room and make the pledges clean it up. 634 00:40:52,650 --> 00:40:55,210 - It'll be fun. - I wish I could, Gordo. 635 00:40:55,319 --> 00:40:57,719 I got dinner at Gwen's parents' house. 636 00:40:57,822 --> 00:40:59,983 Sounds special. Is Wilder gonna be there? 637 00:41:01,292 --> 00:41:03,556 Hey, guys. Hey, Richard. 638 00:41:03,661 --> 00:41:05,561 Is there anything I can do for you today? 639 00:41:11,235 --> 00:41:12,964 Dear Van-- 640 00:41:18,275 --> 00:41:20,402 Here you go, Taj. Get your rave on, man. 641 00:41:20,511 --> 00:41:21,808 - Thanks. - You got it. 642 00:41:21,912 --> 00:41:25,973 "See you tonight. Gwen." The invite to the parents' house. 643 00:41:26,083 --> 00:41:28,984 This is big. This is very, very big. 644 00:41:29,086 --> 00:41:31,077 - Doesn't she have a boyfriend? - Details. 645 00:41:31,188 --> 00:41:33,383 I'm off. Taj, you're in charge. 646 00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:36,255 I do not think I'm capable of handling such a responsibility. 647 00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:39,591 Listen to me. Do you know why I chose you as my assistant? 648 00:41:39,697 --> 00:41:42,131 So you could teach me how to muff dive? 649 00:41:42,967 --> 00:41:45,435 Well, yeah, but also... 650 00:41:45,536 --> 00:41:47,663 because you have the potential to be great. 651 00:42:06,223 --> 00:42:08,282 - May I help you? - Yeah, I'm Van-- 652 00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,293 You made it. 653 00:42:11,395 --> 00:42:14,023 Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's acquaintances from school. 654 00:42:14,131 --> 00:42:15,826 There's room for one more? 655 00:42:15,933 --> 00:42:18,629 By all means. Come in, please. 656 00:42:21,772 --> 00:42:25,401 Definitely be out of the question unless they all agreed with us... 657 00:42:25,509 --> 00:42:28,103 and we talked it over. 658 00:42:30,014 --> 00:42:31,174 Excuse me, gentlemen. 659 00:42:32,283 --> 00:42:34,877 Excuse me, gentlemen. 660 00:42:34,985 --> 00:42:37,715 Van, this is Dr. Henke, proctologist. 661 00:42:37,821 --> 00:42:41,655 Oh, well, holy crap. I hope you're not on call tonight. 662 00:42:42,927 --> 00:42:44,986 Dr. Beaverman, OB-GYN. 663 00:42:45,095 --> 00:42:47,427 Van Wilder, G-L-A-D to meet you. 664 00:42:49,066 --> 00:42:50,556 And of course, Gwen's father. 665 00:42:50,668 --> 00:42:52,659 I'm gonna go out on a limb here. 666 00:42:52,770 --> 00:42:54,499 Dr. Pearson? 667 00:42:54,605 --> 00:42:57,039 - Indeed. - Indeed. Super. 668 00:42:57,141 --> 00:43:00,736 All right. So... am I here for a physical? 669 00:43:00,844 --> 00:43:04,371 'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails before I start coughing for you fellas. 670 00:43:11,855 --> 00:43:15,291 - What are you doing here? - I don't know. 671 00:43:15,392 --> 00:43:17,155 No, thank you. 672 00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:19,957 Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. 673 00:43:20,064 --> 00:43:22,294 He's in his, what, sixth year? 674 00:43:22,399 --> 00:43:24,299 Lucky number seven, actually. 675 00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:28,203 - What are you studying, son? - I dabble in a bit of everything. 676 00:43:28,305 --> 00:43:31,399 I've tried to experience all that Coolidge has to offer. 677 00:43:31,508 --> 00:43:33,408 Surely you have a career in mind. 678 00:43:34,411 --> 00:43:36,038 Not really. 679 00:43:36,146 --> 00:43:38,273 I'm still looking for that dare-to-be-great situation. 680 00:43:38,382 --> 00:43:41,647 Maybe you should start looking for that dare-to-be-employed situation. 681 00:43:41,752 --> 00:43:43,845 The student body finds Van so intriguing... 682 00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:46,320 that my editor has asked me to do an exposé on him... 683 00:43:46,423 --> 00:43:47,890 for the school newspaper. 684 00:43:47,992 --> 00:43:50,119 Isn't that wonderful? 685 00:43:50,227 --> 00:43:52,695 - That will be quite the page-turner. - It'll be a very well-written article. 686 00:43:52,796 --> 00:43:55,128 Gwen is an extremely gifted journalist. 687 00:43:55,232 --> 00:43:57,723 Are you and Richard in the same fraternity? 688 00:43:57,835 --> 00:43:59,325 Oh, no. 689 00:43:59,436 --> 00:44:03,065 Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa material. 690 00:44:03,173 --> 00:44:06,506 Richard, you rascal, you never told me that you were a DIK. 691 00:44:07,845 --> 00:44:09,813 Not that you had to. 692 00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,741 I'm gonna go get another bottle of champagne. 693 00:44:12,850 --> 00:44:15,080 - Richard, will you help me open it? - Sure. 694 00:44:21,358 --> 00:44:22,757 Wow. 695 00:44:22,860 --> 00:44:25,351 If he's here, who's running Hell? 696 00:44:27,364 --> 00:44:29,992 - What are you doing out there? - Proving a point. 697 00:44:30,100 --> 00:44:33,501 Your friend doesn't fit in. He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine. 698 00:44:33,604 --> 00:44:36,402 - I can't believe you're doing this. - Pop quiz. True or false. 699 00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:40,204 You and that GDI have been spending an inordinate amount of time together. 700 00:44:40,310 --> 00:44:42,505 True. Now here's a multiple choice question for you. 701 00:44:42,613 --> 00:44:45,639 You're A, an asshole; B, an asshole who isn't staying at my place tonight... 702 00:44:45,749 --> 00:44:48,445 - or C, all the above? - What's B again? 703 00:44:48,552 --> 00:44:52,010 Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize. 704 00:44:52,122 --> 00:44:54,784 - Gwenny, where are you going? - To go save Van. 705 00:44:54,892 --> 00:44:58,020 God only knows what my parents and their stuck-up friends are doing to him. 706 00:45:05,903 --> 00:45:08,030 Okay! All right! 707 00:45:08,138 --> 00:45:11,130 You're a natural, Dr. P. Hey, what are you looking at? 708 00:45:11,241 --> 00:45:14,210 - Henke, you're up. Come on. - All right. 709 00:45:15,746 --> 00:45:18,044 Easy, sailor. 710 00:45:41,371 --> 00:45:44,602 All right, Wilder, let's dance. 711 00:45:44,708 --> 00:45:46,539 It's a good day to die, McDoogle. 712 00:45:48,445 --> 00:45:50,470 Oh, yes. 713 00:46:14,304 --> 00:46:16,272 Jesus! Criminy! 714 00:46:16,373 --> 00:46:19,206 What happened to you, Wilder? Don't think I don't remember. 715 00:46:19,309 --> 00:46:21,470 You got an A in my freshman economics class. 716 00:46:21,578 --> 00:46:23,478 You remember one thing-- 717 00:46:23,580 --> 00:46:26,640 Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand. 718 00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:28,650 I'll write that down. 719 00:46:28,752 --> 00:46:31,312 You do that. You're not fooling anybody! 720 00:46:31,421 --> 00:46:33,446 You're only fooling yourself!. 721 00:46:42,366 --> 00:46:45,733 - Why don't you walk? - I think I'll walk from here. 722 00:46:48,605 --> 00:46:51,665 Are you stalking me? Because that would be super. 723 00:46:51,775 --> 00:46:54,676 My mom did want me to invite you to her Tupperware party next week. 724 00:46:55,779 --> 00:46:57,576 Was that a-- 725 00:46:57,681 --> 00:46:59,308 Judges' ruling. 726 00:46:59,416 --> 00:47:02,579 Uh-huh. Yeah. I do believe that was a joke. 727 00:47:08,025 --> 00:47:11,051 I want to apologize for what Richard did the other night. 728 00:47:11,161 --> 00:47:13,925 It was a really immature stunt. 729 00:47:14,031 --> 00:47:16,329 Yeah, I know... 730 00:47:16,433 --> 00:47:19,425 but sometimes guys can do some pretty childish things. 731 00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:25,134 Let us proceed. 732 00:48:00,644 --> 00:48:03,579 - Is he ready? - Ah, yeah, he's ready. 733 00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,079 It's go time. 734 00:48:16,059 --> 00:48:17,754 Such a good boy. 735 00:48:17,861 --> 00:48:21,160 Oh, stop for a second. Stop. 736 00:48:22,432 --> 00:48:23,922 Okay. Keep going. 737 00:48:34,511 --> 00:48:36,502 For the love of God. 738 00:48:36,613 --> 00:48:38,012 Smile, buddy. 739 00:48:44,721 --> 00:48:46,188 Lovely. 740 00:48:46,290 --> 00:48:48,554 It's all about presentation, gentlemen. 741 00:48:56,533 --> 00:48:59,434 Well, I'll be damned! 742 00:48:59,536 --> 00:49:01,731 Poor guy just needed a little TLC. 743 00:49:08,011 --> 00:49:10,844 I got it, guys. No problem whatsoever. 744 00:49:13,617 --> 00:49:16,017 Let the damn baby have his ball back. 745 00:49:18,956 --> 00:49:20,856 Thank you, brothers. 746 00:49:22,726 --> 00:49:25,524 It's not like he can see out of it anyway. 747 00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:26,994 Loser. 748 00:49:32,869 --> 00:49:34,769 Awesome work, sisters. 749 00:49:39,076 --> 00:49:40,441 Special delivery! 750 00:49:41,945 --> 00:49:44,971 - Time out. - What the fuck, Jeannie? 751 00:49:45,082 --> 00:49:48,449 "From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau." Dig in, guys. 752 00:49:54,825 --> 00:49:57,055 Oh, they're still warm. 753 00:50:00,664 --> 00:50:02,928 - So creamy. - They're awesome. 754 00:50:08,905 --> 00:50:11,305 Oh, they're so creamy. 755 00:50:12,909 --> 00:50:14,968 God, these are excellent. 756 00:50:16,079 --> 00:50:17,774 Guys? Richard? 757 00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:24,249 Think I've had these before. 758 00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:32,992 Oh, my God! 759 00:50:37,501 --> 00:50:39,594 I love this song. 760 00:50:39,703 --> 00:50:41,568 I know. 761 00:50:41,671 --> 00:50:44,333 It is the White Barry. 762 00:50:48,111 --> 00:50:49,840 Is that for me? 763 00:50:49,946 --> 00:50:51,880 I long to rub you the right way. 764 00:50:51,982 --> 00:50:55,611 You're such a bad little Badalandabad. 765 00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:04,527 No harm, no foul. 766 00:51:08,465 --> 00:51:12,026 - Are you all right? - Never better, my jasmine flower. 767 00:51:30,787 --> 00:51:32,721 That feels so good. 768 00:51:38,228 --> 00:51:40,822 Oh, my God. 769 00:51:45,235 --> 00:51:46,964 Take me. 770 00:51:47,070 --> 00:51:48,935 I want you now. 771 00:51:49,039 --> 00:51:50,802 Now! 772 00:51:50,907 --> 00:51:52,841 Shit! 773 00:51:53,877 --> 00:51:55,105 Don't tease me. 774 00:52:05,522 --> 00:52:08,423 This is the culmination of my being. 775 00:52:08,525 --> 00:52:12,052 Baby, I'm about to culminate. Now, get over here. 776 00:52:13,330 --> 00:52:15,161 Tajy, I'm so hot. 777 00:52:15,265 --> 00:52:18,063 - I feel on fire. - Oh, yeah, me too, baby. 778 00:52:18,168 --> 00:52:20,534 - Burning up. - Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up. 779 00:52:20,637 --> 00:52:22,935 You are most amazing to make me feel so... 780 00:52:23,773 --> 00:52:26,071 damn hot! 781 00:52:30,881 --> 00:52:33,349 I wonder how T-Bad's date's going. 782 00:52:33,450 --> 00:52:37,409 Scented candles, massage oils, Barry White. 783 00:52:37,521 --> 00:52:40,456 Yeah, we can't be too far from climax, huh? 784 00:53:00,644 --> 00:53:04,102 - Why do I always fail? - You put too much pressure on yourself. 785 00:53:04,214 --> 00:53:06,546 Don't worry about the money. I'll figure something out. 786 00:53:06,650 --> 00:53:08,049 More importantly... 787 00:53:09,619 --> 00:53:12,383 when the time is right... 788 00:53:12,489 --> 00:53:13,649 it'll happen. 789 00:53:13,757 --> 00:53:15,657 You'll find the one. 790 00:53:32,108 --> 00:53:34,668 I need to see the grade transcripts for Van Wilder, please. 791 00:53:34,778 --> 00:53:36,678 I don't think so. 792 00:53:36,780 --> 00:53:39,977 Student transcripts are confidential. Sorry. 793 00:54:13,483 --> 00:54:15,508 Swim team really does need your love, folks. 794 00:54:16,286 --> 00:54:20,518 And if Milty Mingleton can shove himself... 795 00:54:20,624 --> 00:54:23,115 into that weenie bikini... 796 00:54:26,997 --> 00:54:30,489 then you don't need to be shy about making your donations now! 797 00:55:08,004 --> 00:55:10,564 Thank you, Milty! 798 00:55:13,276 --> 00:55:15,904 After we put all the water back in the pool... 799 00:55:16,012 --> 00:55:18,606 we'll be accepting donations in the form of... 800 00:55:18,715 --> 00:55:21,047 cash, Visa and full-frontal nudity. 801 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,618 Hutch, take over. 802 00:55:24,954 --> 00:55:28,321 That's right, folks. Save the swim team. 803 00:55:30,226 --> 00:55:32,660 Bikini-clad judges for a fund-raiser? That's pretty ingenious. 804 00:55:32,762 --> 00:55:35,322 Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells. 805 00:55:35,432 --> 00:55:38,265 It's not too late for you to enter the doubles breaststroke if you like. 806 00:55:38,368 --> 00:55:40,996 No, thanks. I forgot my suit. 807 00:55:41,104 --> 00:55:43,231 I just came across a bit of interesting information. 808 00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:44,864 All right, look. 809 00:55:44,974 --> 00:55:48,137 The vet assured me that canine semen is perfectly healthy. 810 00:55:48,244 --> 00:55:49,939 In fact, surprisingly rich-- 811 00:55:50,046 --> 00:55:52,981 You've been 18 units shy of graduating for the past 6 semesters. 812 00:55:56,986 --> 00:56:00,945 Whoa. You went klepto on my transcripts. 813 00:56:01,057 --> 00:56:03,025 What's going on with you? 814 00:56:03,126 --> 00:56:05,321 You're actively trying not to get out of here. 815 00:56:05,428 --> 00:56:09,888 Why are you doing this? Do you ever stop playing the in-depth reporter? 816 00:56:09,999 --> 00:56:13,059 I just want to know why you're putting off your life. 817 00:56:13,169 --> 00:56:16,161 Not for the paper. For me. 818 00:56:16,272 --> 00:56:18,035 I have no comment... 819 00:56:19,776 --> 00:56:21,676 for either of you. 820 00:56:55,545 --> 00:56:58,412 External occipital protuberance. 821 00:56:59,783 --> 00:57:02,946 Posterior gluteal line. 822 00:57:06,122 --> 00:57:08,352 Dorsal appendage. Gwen. 823 00:57:08,458 --> 00:57:11,120 - Was the last one right? - Yeah, that's right. 824 00:57:11,227 --> 00:57:14,719 Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists only in marine-equipped mammalia. 825 00:57:14,831 --> 00:57:16,458 I knew you weren't listening. 826 00:57:16,566 --> 00:57:18,898 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. I'm fine. 827 00:57:19,002 --> 00:57:21,562 Let's get out of here, go grab a beer. 828 00:57:22,372 --> 00:57:25,535 Are you insane? You know my midterm and finals ritual. 829 00:57:25,642 --> 00:57:28,475 I study till 11:00. Nine solid hours of sleep. 830 00:57:28,578 --> 00:57:31,706 Protein shake in the morning. Okay, very cute. 831 00:57:31,815 --> 00:57:33,908 And also correct. 832 00:57:34,017 --> 00:57:36,747 Which gives us 2 hours and 53 minutes of study time. 833 00:57:36,853 --> 00:57:39,879 So, honey, please focus. All righty? 834 00:57:44,260 --> 00:57:46,592 I have confirmations from the African-American Club... 835 00:57:46,696 --> 00:57:48,891 the Gay and Lesbian Caucus, MECCA, HEPA, PETA. 836 00:57:48,998 --> 00:57:51,660 This multi-coalition party was a masterful plan. 837 00:57:51,768 --> 00:57:54,430 It should triple our income. I just hope it's enough. 838 00:57:54,537 --> 00:57:56,801 Van, you must listen to me. 839 00:57:56,906 --> 00:58:00,000 We are merely one party away from accomplishing our goal. 840 00:58:00,109 --> 00:58:01,599 What if she's right, huh? 841 00:58:01,711 --> 00:58:04,441 What if I'm avoiding graduation because I'm scared? 842 00:58:04,547 --> 00:58:06,276 Listen to yourself, meathead. 843 00:58:06,382 --> 00:58:08,907 You've never doubted yourself in your whole life. 844 00:58:09,018 --> 00:58:11,350 This girl's got you thinking, man. It's not good. 845 00:58:12,522 --> 00:58:15,423 - Not good at all. - Hey, you! 846 00:58:15,525 --> 00:58:18,289 Please move banner a skosh higher, huh? 847 00:58:19,863 --> 00:58:22,423 You got all this. I'm gonna go-- 848 00:58:22,532 --> 00:58:24,796 I'm gonna go make some calls for the party, okay? 849 00:58:28,872 --> 00:58:31,306 - Hi, Van. - Hi, Donna. 850 00:58:31,407 --> 00:58:33,637 Hey, guys. 851 00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:38,937 - What are you doing in here? - I had to talk to you. 852 00:58:39,048 --> 00:58:41,778 I thought a lot about what you said, and-- 853 00:58:42,919 --> 00:58:45,046 Well, just-- 854 00:58:45,154 --> 00:58:47,122 just take a look at this. 855 00:58:47,223 --> 00:58:49,589 Yeah. Doodles. 856 00:58:49,692 --> 00:58:52,820 I attended class today. Just about stayed the whole time too. 857 00:58:52,929 --> 00:58:55,056 I'm glad you went to all your classes today. 858 00:58:55,164 --> 00:58:57,064 And a few that weren't mine. Stepped into the wrong one. 859 00:58:57,166 --> 00:58:59,259 Liked what I heard, stayed. 860 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,735 That's great. It really is. 861 00:59:02,672 --> 00:59:05,607 It really is. But don't do it for me. 862 00:59:07,110 --> 00:59:08,338 Do it for you. 863 00:59:08,444 --> 00:59:11,277 Maybe I'm doing it for both of us. 864 00:59:12,749 --> 00:59:16,685 I shouldn't even be talking to you like this. 865 00:59:16,786 --> 00:59:19,152 And I shouldn't be in the women's locker room! 866 00:59:19,255 --> 00:59:22,747 But sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... 867 00:59:22,859 --> 00:59:26,454 even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be. 868 00:59:27,697 --> 00:59:30,165 How often does your heart lead you into the women's locker room? 869 00:59:32,869 --> 00:59:36,100 - This would be a first. - Why do I find that hard to believe? 870 00:59:36,205 --> 00:59:38,105 I'm not saying I've never been in here before. 871 00:59:38,207 --> 00:59:40,835 I'm saying it's usually a different part of my anatomy that does the leading. 872 00:59:40,944 --> 00:59:42,935 Oh, my God. 873 00:59:46,616 --> 00:59:50,074 I just couldn't believe it. Gwen and Van in the women's locker room. 874 00:59:50,186 --> 00:59:53,952 I mean, I just couldn't believe it. So anyway, let me tell you something. 875 01:00:04,567 --> 01:00:08,162 I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed. 876 01:00:10,573 --> 01:00:12,973 - I'm here to enlist your services. - Let me guess. 877 01:00:13,076 --> 01:00:15,738 "Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis, come-gargling frat boy party"? 878 01:00:15,845 --> 01:00:18,040 Then your mom can come. 879 01:00:19,816 --> 01:00:22,080 It's gonna be a bachelor party. 880 01:00:22,185 --> 01:00:24,415 One last night of debauchery with the fellas... 881 01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:27,512 before settling down with my fiancée, Gwen. 882 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:32,220 Oh, please, you didn't think she'd be interested in a fuckup like you? 883 01:00:45,441 --> 01:00:47,671 That ought to be enough to get you started. 884 01:01:06,462 --> 01:01:07,827 Hello? 885 01:01:07,930 --> 01:01:09,864 Casey. I'm just using Gwen's computer. 886 01:01:09,966 --> 01:01:11,957 Is Gwen there? I need to talk to her. 887 01:01:12,068 --> 01:01:15,299 She's at Richard's getting ready for the engagement dinner tonight. Message? 888 01:01:15,405 --> 01:01:17,635 Nope. That's all right. 889 01:01:25,515 --> 01:01:27,915 Bye. Thanks for coming. 890 01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:30,611 Lindsey and Rob make such a great couple, don't you think? 891 01:01:30,720 --> 01:01:32,620 Yeah, I'm happy for them. 892 01:01:32,722 --> 01:01:35,486 They're gonna make a great married couple too. You know why? 893 01:01:35,591 --> 01:01:37,491 Because they love each other? 894 01:01:37,593 --> 01:01:39,493 Because they're compatible. 895 01:01:41,264 --> 01:01:44,427 Like a heart transplant patient finding a donor with the same blood type... 896 01:01:44,534 --> 01:01:46,729 and just the right chromosomal anomalies. 897 01:01:46,836 --> 01:01:49,669 A perfect match, connected forever. 898 01:01:50,973 --> 01:01:53,601 But that would mean one of them would have to be dead. 899 01:01:54,777 --> 01:01:57,905 Gwenny, I'm just saying that they're a match. 900 01:01:58,014 --> 01:02:00,244 Just like you and me. 901 01:02:05,788 --> 01:02:07,278 Lucky girl. 902 01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:09,948 Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson... 903 01:02:10,059 --> 01:02:13,995 I'd be honored if you and I surgically and spiritually... 904 01:02:14,097 --> 01:02:16,725 grafted our lives together. 905 01:02:16,833 --> 01:02:19,700 Richard, I don't know what to say. 906 01:02:19,802 --> 01:02:23,761 Just say yes, because I've got even more amazing news. 907 01:02:23,873 --> 01:02:26,103 Northwestern called this morning. They wanna interview me. 908 01:02:26,209 --> 01:02:28,871 They're gonna send some recruit alums to campus for written and oral exams. 909 01:02:28,978 --> 01:02:31,845 And then I am in! 910 01:02:31,948 --> 01:02:34,212 Oh, man, Northwestern. 911 01:02:34,317 --> 01:02:37,616 That's great. I'm so happy for you, Richard. 912 01:02:37,720 --> 01:02:42,783 Be happy for both of us. The Richard and Gwen life plan is kicking in. 913 01:02:43,459 --> 01:02:45,359 Northwestern. I am the shit. 914 01:02:46,562 --> 01:02:50,123 Your father wants to get us a place in Forest Grove as an engagement present. 915 01:02:50,233 --> 01:02:52,963 - My parents know about this? - Yeah, I told everyone. 916 01:02:55,404 --> 01:02:57,872 Where are you going? 917 01:02:57,974 --> 01:03:00,534 I'm not sure, and for some reason... 918 01:03:00,643 --> 01:03:03,168 I feel really good about that. 919 01:03:07,416 --> 01:03:09,316 I can't hold on 920 01:03:10,486 --> 01:03:12,511 There's no easy way 921 01:03:12,622 --> 01:03:15,056 Hey, Van, can I borrow-- 922 01:03:15,158 --> 01:03:17,058 My God, what happened to you? 923 01:03:18,327 --> 01:03:21,524 - I got hit by a big truck. - Are you okay? 924 01:03:21,631 --> 01:03:23,394 I'm all out of love 925 01:03:23,499 --> 01:03:25,831 I'm so lost without you 926 01:03:25,935 --> 01:03:28,267 I know you were right 927 01:03:28,371 --> 01:03:30,931 Believing for so long 928 01:03:35,044 --> 01:03:38,536 Dope song. What's it called? 929 01:03:38,648 --> 01:03:41,014 "Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... 930 01:03:41,117 --> 01:03:44,609 and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck." 931 01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:46,915 Originally performed by Air Supply. 932 01:03:47,023 --> 01:03:49,082 Who's Air Supply? 933 01:03:49,192 --> 01:03:51,251 How old are you, Sally? 934 01:03:52,795 --> 01:03:55,195 I'm old enough to be jealous of that Gwen girl. 935 01:04:03,439 --> 01:04:05,339 Okay, you can do this. 936 01:04:10,213 --> 01:04:11,771 I'm all out of love 937 01:04:11,881 --> 01:04:14,543 I'm so lost without you 938 01:04:14,650 --> 01:04:17,949 I know you were right believing for so long 939 01:04:18,054 --> 01:04:21,455 You must be Gwen-- the truck driver. 940 01:04:23,659 --> 01:04:25,559 Hey. Excuse me. Gwen! 941 01:04:27,396 --> 01:04:29,796 Hey, hold up a second. What are you doing here? 942 01:04:29,899 --> 01:04:32,561 What am I doing here? What were you doing in there? 943 01:04:32,668 --> 01:04:36,297 As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that's my room, wasn't it? 944 01:04:36,405 --> 01:04:39,101 What was that girl, a freshman? 945 01:04:39,208 --> 01:04:41,733 She reads at a sophomore level. 946 01:04:41,844 --> 01:04:44,176 This was a big mistake, Van. I'm leaving. 947 01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:47,681 Why are you here? Did you come to hire me to do your bachelorette party? 948 01:04:47,783 --> 01:04:51,617 'Cause your party pimp has already been booked by your fiancé. 949 01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:55,282 - My fiancé? What are you talking about? - When are you two tying the knot? 950 01:04:55,391 --> 01:04:57,655 Seriously, I'd really like to hold that date open. 951 01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:00,752 That is none of your business. And you know what? 952 01:05:00,863 --> 01:05:02,626 You're none of mine. 953 01:05:09,205 --> 01:05:12,333 Sounds to me like your rectal itch was getting a late-night booty scratch. 954 01:05:12,441 --> 01:05:17,208 First, my bitch turns down my proposal. Then she runs into that loser's arms. 955 01:05:17,313 --> 01:05:19,679 Now I don't even know where my bitch is. 956 01:05:19,782 --> 01:05:22,546 Wilder's got some big blowout tonight. Maybe your bitch is gonna be there. 957 01:05:22,652 --> 01:05:24,916 You do not call her that, gonad! 958 01:05:25,021 --> 01:05:27,148 Hey, guys. Just giving you all the 411 . 959 01:05:27,256 --> 01:05:29,781 I'm a counselor for the Further Leaders of America's overnighter. 960 01:05:29,892 --> 01:05:32,986 The bus doesn't leave for a few hours. Is there anything I can do before I go? 961 01:05:33,095 --> 01:05:34,790 Anything at all? 962 01:05:35,598 --> 01:05:40,194 Okay, listen up. We've got one quick stop off before we go. 963 01:05:40,303 --> 01:05:42,737 Tit wad! 964 01:05:44,573 --> 01:05:46,871 All right, thank you, man. Enjoy yourself. 965 01:05:46,976 --> 01:05:49,035 All right, sister. Enjoy yourself. Power to the people. 966 01:05:49,145 --> 01:05:50,908 - How you doing, my man? - What's up? 967 01:05:52,415 --> 01:05:55,976 I hate to break this to you, Ming, but you ain't Asian. 968 01:05:56,919 --> 01:05:59,319 Man, you ever heard of Tiger Woods, bitch? 969 01:05:59,422 --> 01:06:02,357 You better get out of here before I hit you upside the head with a three iron. 970 01:06:02,458 --> 01:06:05,450 What's wrong with you? Enjoy yourself. 971 01:06:05,561 --> 01:06:08,655 - What's wrong, dog? - Nothing. I don't feel like partying. 972 01:06:09,765 --> 01:06:11,232 That's a first. 973 01:06:11,334 --> 01:06:14,497 Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by and extend an olive branch. 974 01:06:14,603 --> 01:06:18,369 - ID, please. - It's a terrible picture of me, but-- 975 01:06:18,474 --> 01:06:21,136 Well, I'll be the judge of-- 976 01:06:21,243 --> 01:06:23,211 There's nothing fake about this ID. 977 01:06:23,312 --> 01:06:25,940 Did you sit behind me two semesters ago? 978 01:06:26,048 --> 01:06:28,573 I think I remember this behind. I mean, you sitting behind me. 979 01:06:28,684 --> 01:06:31,710 This whole rivalry thing has become a tad childish. 980 01:06:31,821 --> 01:06:36,258 Well, I hope we can put it all behind us and be friends. 981 01:06:36,359 --> 01:06:37,792 That's what Gwen wants. 982 01:06:37,893 --> 01:06:40,657 You have absolutely no idea what Gwen wants. 983 01:06:42,531 --> 01:06:44,761 Say hi to your gerbil for me. 984 01:06:51,874 --> 01:06:53,239 Okay, kids. 985 01:06:53,342 --> 01:06:55,242 This is our Uncle Jäger. 986 01:06:55,344 --> 01:06:58,142 That's right. Drink up. 987 01:06:58,247 --> 01:07:01,011 This tastes like shit. Do you have any scotch? 988 01:07:02,985 --> 01:07:05,317 Gotta go. Sorry. Bye. 989 01:07:05,421 --> 01:07:07,321 Bye-bye. Call me. 990 01:07:07,423 --> 01:07:09,050 Gentlemen. 991 01:07:09,158 --> 01:07:10,989 Trooper. 992 01:07:11,093 --> 01:07:15,154 We got an anonymous tip that there's some underage drinking going on here. 993 01:07:15,264 --> 01:07:16,424 Hutch? 994 01:07:16,532 --> 01:07:18,557 Hell no, man. I've been at the door all night. 995 01:07:23,272 --> 01:07:25,570 Good enough for me. Have fun, guys. 996 01:07:25,674 --> 01:07:28,199 All right, Trapper. Stay cool. 997 01:07:29,445 --> 01:07:33,347 - I love you, man. - No, man. 998 01:07:33,449 --> 01:07:35,178 I love you. 999 01:07:37,286 --> 01:07:40,585 Those circus midgets cannot hold their booze! 1000 01:07:44,894 --> 01:07:47,761 Don't worry, Van. We'll get you out, man. 1001 01:07:59,842 --> 01:08:03,107 Delta Iota Kappa rules! 1002 01:08:06,916 --> 01:08:09,817 Damn it, Gwen, pick it up. I know you're there. 1003 01:08:09,919 --> 01:08:12,513 You know I have my Northwestern interview next week. 1004 01:08:13,889 --> 01:08:17,757 Look, I need you to help me "release"... 1005 01:08:17,860 --> 01:08:19,828 some pressure. 1006 01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:23,956 You know, help me "relax." 1007 01:08:24,066 --> 01:08:26,159 Just so we're clear, I'm talking about intercourse. 1008 01:08:26,268 --> 01:08:28,031 I know you had a fling with Wilder. 1009 01:08:28,137 --> 01:08:32,233 And it's okay. You just had to get it out of your system. 1010 01:08:32,341 --> 01:08:35,003 I just hope you used some protection. 1011 01:08:35,111 --> 01:08:37,705 And I wouldn't want our future children to be tainted... 1012 01:08:37,813 --> 01:08:40,441 because Mommy went slumming one night back in college. 1013 01:08:42,051 --> 01:08:45,020 Why don't you go "release" your own pressure? 1014 01:08:45,121 --> 01:08:49,751 And just so we're clear, I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!. 1015 01:08:53,929 --> 01:08:57,421 Hi, partner in crime. Is there anything I can do for you today? 1016 01:08:57,533 --> 01:08:58,932 Oh, my God! 1017 01:08:59,034 --> 01:09:01,195 We make such the fab team! 1018 01:09:01,303 --> 01:09:05,330 Last night, I was so like Bonnie and you were so like Clyde. And now this. 1019 01:09:05,441 --> 01:09:08,569 Would you shut up? I'm trying to pleasure you. 1020 01:09:08,677 --> 01:09:10,838 Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away. 1021 01:09:13,015 --> 01:09:16,246 - PS, this is an awesome room. - PS, shut the fuck up! 1022 01:09:21,023 --> 01:09:23,719 Here, I'm done with all of this. 1023 01:09:23,826 --> 01:09:27,125 - The Wilder story's not done. - Read it before you criticize. 1024 01:09:27,229 --> 01:09:30,027 He got expelled today. Is that in your story? 1025 01:09:30,132 --> 01:09:32,032 'Cause it should be. 1026 01:09:42,578 --> 01:09:45,547 - Is Van here? - He don't wanna see you. 1027 01:09:45,648 --> 01:09:47,741 - Excuse me? - Look. 1028 01:09:47,850 --> 01:09:50,910 - Why don't you just leave him alone? - Home wrecker. 1029 01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:33,622 Oh, thank you! Thank you! 1030 01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:37,461 Out of my way! 1031 01:10:43,038 --> 01:10:47,634 Stop packing! You can appeal the expulsion. It's in the school charter. 1032 01:10:47,743 --> 01:10:51,679 "Any student may appeal an expulsion before the university judicial board... 1033 01:10:51,780 --> 01:10:54,442 and state his or her case within 48 hours of being discharged." 1034 01:10:55,684 --> 01:10:58,175 Do you want my hot tub, or should I just give it to Milty? 1035 01:10:58,287 --> 01:10:59,948 We can get the law club to help. 1036 01:11:00,055 --> 01:11:02,455 They owe you after the "Sue Me, Screw Me" soiree you threw. 1037 01:11:02,558 --> 01:11:05,550 Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm really not interested. 1038 01:11:05,661 --> 01:11:09,028 - You're not hearing me-- - It's over, Taj! 1039 01:11:11,934 --> 01:11:14,164 Fuck you, Van Wilder! 1040 01:11:16,405 --> 01:11:18,373 You heard me. I say-- I say... 1041 01:11:18,474 --> 01:11:20,669 fuck you, you-you-you-- 1042 01:11:20,776 --> 01:11:22,835 you--you-- 1043 01:11:22,945 --> 01:11:25,072 you pussy ass motherfucker! 1044 01:11:25,180 --> 01:11:27,045 You-- You dicksucker! 1045 01:11:27,149 --> 01:11:29,083 Don't sugar coat it, Taj. 1046 01:11:29,184 --> 01:11:31,880 Tell me how you really feel. Seven years. 1047 01:11:33,489 --> 01:11:36,117 Seven years! I've accomplished nothing! 1048 01:11:36,225 --> 01:11:38,125 There's no reason to stay here anymore! 1049 01:11:38,227 --> 01:11:40,058 Sure, sure. You've made tons of friends... 1050 01:11:40,162 --> 01:11:44,030 who in the drop of a rupee do anything for you, and that doesn't mean much? 1051 01:11:44,133 --> 01:11:47,068 Who cares about Sick Boy and the charities you've helped... 1052 01:11:47,169 --> 01:11:50,070 and all of our athletics-- those are all so minuscule? 1053 01:11:50,172 --> 01:11:51,833 And I guess so is a promise... 1054 01:11:51,940 --> 01:11:55,341 made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid from India whose only dream... 1055 01:11:55,444 --> 01:11:58,504 was to bury his face in a beautiful woman's lotus patch. 1056 01:11:59,782 --> 01:12:02,615 You have shown me a life I could only dream about... 1057 01:12:02,718 --> 01:12:05,346 back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed. 1058 01:12:06,455 --> 01:12:09,253 Most importantly, you saw potential... 1059 01:12:12,027 --> 01:12:13,551 in me. 1060 01:12:14,563 --> 01:12:18,260 If you do not see potential in yourself, then you are a blind man. 1061 01:12:20,269 --> 01:12:21,634 I'm leaving. 1062 01:12:21,737 --> 01:12:24,205 Then leave. But leave the honorable way. 1063 01:12:25,341 --> 01:12:28,640 You've been looking for that dare-to-be-great situation. 1064 01:12:28,744 --> 01:12:31,144 It is at your doorstep. 1065 01:12:35,117 --> 01:12:36,482 We need to talk. 1066 01:12:49,164 --> 01:12:50,563 Get me the law club. 1067 01:13:04,213 --> 01:13:06,408 It's ridiculous! It's preposterous! 1068 01:13:06,515 --> 01:13:08,983 It's ludicrous! By God, it's impetuous! 1069 01:13:09,084 --> 01:13:12,076 - So does that mean you gonna help us? - Oh, it's on. 1070 01:13:33,442 --> 01:13:36,206 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1071 01:13:36,311 --> 01:13:39,041 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1072 01:13:41,016 --> 01:13:44,042 We are now in session. Mr. Wilder. 1073 01:13:44,153 --> 01:13:49,284 You were found in violation of Article 2, Section B of Coolidge's bylaws-- 1074 01:13:49,391 --> 01:13:51,723 soliciting of alcohol to extreme minors... 1075 01:13:51,827 --> 01:13:54,955 which is grounds for immediate expulsion. 1076 01:13:55,063 --> 01:13:57,190 You have opted to appeal. 1077 01:13:57,299 --> 01:13:58,664 The floor is yours. 1078 01:14:01,570 --> 01:14:02,969 Ladies and gentlemen... 1079 01:14:08,610 --> 01:14:10,305 as you know... 1080 01:14:10,412 --> 01:14:13,313 I've been a student here for seven years, and I've-- 1081 01:14:13,415 --> 01:14:16,145 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1082 01:14:22,291 --> 01:14:24,486 Order! Order! Settle down, everyone. 1083 01:14:25,794 --> 01:14:29,230 - Continue, Mr. Wilder. - I'm okay. 1084 01:14:29,331 --> 01:14:32,323 I've learned a lot here at Coolidge. 1085 01:14:32,434 --> 01:14:35,528 Let the record show that... 1086 01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:37,332 when I attended class... 1087 01:14:37,439 --> 01:14:40,431 I did receive exemplary marks. 1088 01:14:40,542 --> 01:14:44,444 However, it was only when I met a special someone... 1089 01:14:46,949 --> 01:14:49,349 that I realized what I was doing-- 1090 01:14:49,451 --> 01:14:51,783 hiding. 1091 01:14:51,887 --> 01:14:55,220 See, after this is real life, and I wasn't ready for that. 1092 01:14:55,324 --> 01:14:57,224 I don't know why exactly. 1093 01:14:57,326 --> 01:14:59,590 I do know that I don't wanna end up like my father... 1094 01:14:59,695 --> 01:15:01,595 whose whole life revolves around work. 1095 01:15:01,697 --> 01:15:03,756 But I see that now. 1096 01:15:03,866 --> 01:15:08,030 And I'm ready to move on. 1097 01:15:08,136 --> 01:15:10,696 Well, that's that. Good luck, loser. Who's ready for lunch? 1098 01:15:10,806 --> 01:15:13,536 - Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet. - What's any of this got to do with... 1099 01:15:13,642 --> 01:15:17,100 that he's guilty of an infraction that deserves expulsion? 1100 01:15:17,212 --> 01:15:18,645 Mr. Wilder. 1101 01:15:24,486 --> 01:15:26,750 I can't argue against the infraction. 1102 01:15:26,855 --> 01:15:30,154 I was responsible for that party, so what happened was my fault. 1103 01:15:30,259 --> 01:15:32,557 I'm here to lay myself at the mercy of this court... 1104 01:15:32,661 --> 01:15:35,494 and suggest an alternative punishment. 1105 01:15:35,597 --> 01:15:37,258 Make me graduate. 1106 01:15:37,366 --> 01:15:39,732 If you'll kindly take a look at my transcripts... 1107 01:15:39,835 --> 01:15:43,430 you'll see I'm 18 units from graduating with a leisure studies degree. 1108 01:15:43,539 --> 01:15:46,667 I am pleading to this committee, reinstate me. 1109 01:15:46,775 --> 01:15:49,141 Let me audit my last six classes, take the finals... 1110 01:15:49,244 --> 01:15:51,474 and leave Coolidge with a degree. 1111 01:15:55,984 --> 01:16:00,318 God, I've bled... 1112 01:16:00,422 --> 01:16:03,789 crimson and blue for nearly a decade. 1113 01:16:03,892 --> 01:16:07,692 This school has given me so much. Let me repay Coolidge... 1114 01:16:07,796 --> 01:16:10,663 by parting ways as a graduate. 1115 01:16:21,810 --> 01:16:24,142 What are the courses Mr. Wilder needs in order to graduate? 1116 01:16:24,246 --> 01:16:27,044 Biology, English Lit, Calculus, Economics... 1117 01:16:27,149 --> 01:16:29,447 - Sociology and Political Science. - Wow. 1118 01:16:29,551 --> 01:16:32,952 - That's quite a load. - Well, Van can handle quite a load. 1119 01:16:35,157 --> 01:16:38,957 If we expel him, there could be some sort of a coup d'état. 1120 01:16:39,061 --> 01:16:41,621 He broke a rule. He should pay the consequences. 1121 01:16:41,730 --> 01:16:43,129 Well, let's take a vote. 1122 01:16:43,231 --> 01:16:45,324 There's five of us here. Majority rules. 1123 01:16:46,301 --> 01:16:47,529 I vote reinstatement. 1124 01:16:47,636 --> 01:16:50,400 - Mr. Bagg? - Expulsion. 1125 01:16:50,505 --> 01:16:52,473 Miss Haver? 1126 01:16:52,574 --> 01:16:53,700 Reinstatement... 1127 01:16:53,809 --> 01:16:55,743 over and over. 1128 01:16:55,844 --> 01:16:58,369 Okay. Mrs. Seay? 1129 01:16:58,480 --> 01:16:59,538 Expulsion. 1130 01:16:59,648 --> 01:17:01,809 Professor McDoogle? 1131 01:17:01,917 --> 01:17:04,545 You know, I've waited a long, long time for this day to come. 1132 01:17:04,653 --> 01:17:06,143 Either way... 1133 01:17:06,254 --> 01:17:08,984 Van Wilder's tenure here at Coolidge is over. 1134 01:17:13,929 --> 01:17:15,829 Let's see what the kid's made of. 1135 01:17:17,199 --> 01:17:19,064 He's in! He's in! 1136 01:17:30,145 --> 01:17:32,409 - Hey, Jeannie. - Look. 1137 01:17:32,514 --> 01:17:35,347 I just wanted to explain about the whole, you know, Richard thing. 1138 01:17:35,450 --> 01:17:38,578 Me and Richard's unspoken bond blossomed the other night in one beautiful... 1139 01:17:38,687 --> 01:17:40,746 symbiotic act. 1140 01:17:40,856 --> 01:17:43,450 - What sort of act? - Messing up that Van Wilder party. 1141 01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,924 And then we bumped uglies. 1142 01:17:47,029 --> 01:17:49,190 It was the best ten seconds ever. 1143 01:17:51,133 --> 01:17:52,293 Ever. 1144 01:17:52,634 --> 01:17:55,603 Yes, these interviews are somewhat of a formality... 1145 01:17:55,704 --> 01:17:59,435 but I think it's crucial we like-minded people get to know one another. 1146 01:18:04,680 --> 01:18:07,547 - I knew you'd come to your senses. - Hello, Richard. 1147 01:18:07,649 --> 01:18:10,948 Look. I know we have a lot of surgery to perform on our relationship. 1148 01:18:11,053 --> 01:18:14,045 But right now I am prepping for the biggest moment of our lives. 1149 01:18:14,156 --> 01:18:19,059 I have a written exam first, and then an interview with five Northwestern alums. 1150 01:18:19,161 --> 01:18:20,560 All doctors. 1151 01:18:20,662 --> 01:18:23,256 That's why I came-- to help make you your shake. 1152 01:18:23,365 --> 01:18:25,560 - That'd be terrific, Gwenny. - I'll see you downstairs. 1153 01:18:27,502 --> 01:18:30,665 But hurry. Interview's in a half hour, other side of campus. 1154 01:18:32,140 --> 01:18:34,631 Sorry about that. 1155 01:18:42,484 --> 01:18:45,180 Northwestern. I am the shit. 1156 01:18:45,287 --> 01:18:47,346 You certainly will be. 1157 01:18:47,456 --> 01:18:49,583 Gwenny, thank you. 1158 01:18:54,796 --> 01:18:57,594 Good luck, honey. You deserve it. 1159 01:19:04,806 --> 01:19:07,502 I certainly do. 1160 01:20:11,339 --> 01:20:12,670 Cytosine. 1161 01:20:12,774 --> 01:20:14,469 Nothin' but net, my man. 1162 01:20:14,576 --> 01:20:18,410 Now remember, before any final, take a pregame dump. 1163 01:20:34,529 --> 01:20:36,997 Thanks for coming in. You did a great job, really. 1164 01:20:37,098 --> 01:20:40,090 Richard! I was just talking about you. 1165 01:20:40,202 --> 01:20:42,762 Hey, surprise. I'm on your oral exam board. 1166 01:20:42,871 --> 01:20:45,669 Look, come in here. I want you to meet your future alumni. 1167 01:20:45,774 --> 01:20:47,708 - I gotta go-- - No, come on. It's a great time. 1168 01:20:47,809 --> 01:20:49,868 Look, it's Richard. 1169 01:20:49,978 --> 01:20:53,880 Finished his written exam in only 20 minutes. This kid is a dynamo. 1170 01:20:53,982 --> 01:20:56,382 Richard, I want you to meet Dr. Stern. 1171 01:20:56,484 --> 01:20:57,473 Dr. Fine. 1172 01:20:57,586 --> 01:21:01,386 It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg. I've heard a lot about you. 1173 01:21:02,524 --> 01:21:05,425 - Dr. Brown. - This is something of a formality. 1174 01:21:05,527 --> 01:21:08,325 We just want to get to know you better. 1175 01:21:08,430 --> 01:21:10,898 And Dr. Smelnick. 1176 01:21:11,933 --> 01:21:14,163 Richard, is there something you want to say? 1177 01:21:14,269 --> 01:21:16,669 You look like you want to get something out, son. 1178 01:21:21,910 --> 01:21:23,002 Oh, my God! 1179 01:21:30,518 --> 01:21:32,110 - Vile. - Oh, it burns! 1180 01:21:35,624 --> 01:21:36,989 I'm bleeding! 1181 01:21:38,159 --> 01:21:39,649 Dear God, that's wretched. 1182 01:22:03,752 --> 01:22:06,448 "Oh, I kept the first for another day. 1183 01:22:06,554 --> 01:22:09,455 Yet knowing how way leads on to way... 1184 01:22:09,557 --> 01:22:12,549 I doubted if I should ever come back." 1185 01:22:12,661 --> 01:22:15,687 I want you to tell me what Robert Frost was trying to express here. 1186 01:22:15,797 --> 01:22:18,061 I'm gonna need at least one more booklet. 1187 01:22:19,267 --> 01:22:21,167 - What? - In other school news... 1188 01:22:21,269 --> 01:22:23,794 we have an update on the "Wilder Watch." 1189 01:22:23,905 --> 01:22:27,102 The rigorous day has been a success for Van the man. 1190 01:22:27,208 --> 01:22:31,702 Five finals in the can with Professor McDoogle's advanced econ final to go. 1191 01:22:34,482 --> 01:22:37,713 Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake up. 1192 01:22:37,819 --> 01:22:40,344 - Your final's in exactly seven minutes! - All right. 1193 01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:55,728 It's the moment of truth, people. 1194 01:23:11,152 --> 01:23:13,677 I'm so glad you could fit us into your schedule this morning. 1195 01:23:13,788 --> 01:23:16,018 Wouldn't miss it for the world, sir. 1196 01:23:17,525 --> 01:23:19,254 All right. 1197 01:23:19,361 --> 01:23:22,421 Pass these out. Thank you. 1198 01:23:43,818 --> 01:23:45,718 It's getting to be that time of the hour. 1199 01:23:49,324 --> 01:23:54,057 And your time is up, Mr. Wilder. Pencils down. 1200 01:23:59,067 --> 01:24:00,728 - Thank you. - For four years... 1201 01:24:00,835 --> 01:24:02,962 I have been grooming myself for the real world. 1202 01:24:03,071 --> 01:24:07,531 I, like many, define the real world as stuff that happens after graduation. 1203 01:24:07,642 --> 01:24:12,238 But I was wrong. It took a man by the name of Van Wilder to teach me that. 1204 01:24:12,347 --> 01:24:15,043 You've all undoubtedly been to one of Van's parties. 1205 01:24:15,150 --> 01:24:18,381 He's probably touched your life in some way, whether you know it or not. 1206 01:24:18,486 --> 01:24:20,954 Watch Van do belly flops into a pool... 1207 01:24:21,056 --> 01:24:25,755 but make sure you see he's raised $5,000 to give the swim team a next season. 1208 01:24:25,860 --> 01:24:29,023 As you're all aware, Van was almost expelled. 1209 01:24:29,130 --> 01:24:31,223 What you probably don't know is that he was set up... 1210 01:24:31,332 --> 01:24:33,232 by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy... 1211 01:24:33,334 --> 01:24:36,497 one who this reporter knows firsthand to have a serious problem... 1212 01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:39,437 with premature ejaculation. 1213 01:24:39,541 --> 01:24:41,907 And in reaction to this lynching... 1214 01:24:42,010 --> 01:24:45,571 Van put in more effort in six days than most have all semester. 1215 01:24:45,680 --> 01:24:50,344 Win or lose, we should thank him for reminding us what we're all capable of. 1216 01:24:50,452 --> 01:24:52,613 That's simply what he does-- 1217 01:24:52,720 --> 01:24:55,553 he inspires the uninspired. 1218 01:25:00,495 --> 01:25:04,056 Van. Hurry. The night of fun and fornication's upon us. 1219 01:25:04,165 --> 01:25:06,065 Hey, have you heard from Gwen? 1220 01:25:07,168 --> 01:25:09,398 No, she-- she hasn't yet called back. 1221 01:25:09,504 --> 01:25:12,302 Right. I'll be down in a minute, okay? 1222 01:25:12,407 --> 01:25:14,637 - Okay. - See ya, V. 1223 01:25:35,296 --> 01:25:39,164 Jesus. This is some pad you got here. 1224 01:25:39,267 --> 01:25:41,497 Decorated in early fuck. 1225 01:25:46,407 --> 01:25:49,638 Well, I made it a point to personally come down here, Wilder. 1226 01:25:49,744 --> 01:25:51,905 I wanted to give you the results of your test firsthand. 1227 01:25:52,013 --> 01:25:54,413 And just as I expected... 1228 01:25:55,583 --> 01:25:57,107 you succeeded. 1229 01:25:57,218 --> 01:26:00,449 - Ninety-one percent. - What? 1230 01:26:02,090 --> 01:26:03,682 I'm proud of you, Wilder. 1231 01:26:03,791 --> 01:26:06,453 I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential. 1232 01:26:06,561 --> 01:26:08,461 That's why you and I had friction? 1233 01:26:08,563 --> 01:26:11,691 I thought it was 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year. 1234 01:26:12,734 --> 01:26:15,965 Why? What-- You fooled around with my daughter? 1235 01:26:17,038 --> 01:26:18,266 What? 1236 01:26:34,656 --> 01:26:36,556 Hey, I know you. 1237 01:26:36,658 --> 01:26:38,990 - Thank you very much. - You're the best, Van. 1238 01:26:39,093 --> 01:26:41,527 Hey, I couldn't have did it without you. Appreciate it. 1239 01:26:41,629 --> 01:26:45,497 I need you to fill this up with ice. Pack as much as you can inside. 1240 01:26:45,600 --> 01:26:48,899 - Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 1241 01:26:50,972 --> 01:26:53,805 My name is Orissa Punjab Nizamabad. 1242 01:26:54,909 --> 01:26:57,571 I've just transferred here from Banglapur. 1243 01:27:07,288 --> 01:27:09,051 Excuse me. Can you tell me... 1244 01:27:09,157 --> 01:27:11,717 where I might find the raddest fucking dude alive? 1245 01:27:11,826 --> 01:27:14,124 Yeah, by the pool, Gramps. 1246 01:27:15,230 --> 01:27:18,461 Hey, I know you, man! Oh, fuck. 1247 01:27:18,566 --> 01:27:21,501 Congratulations, Van. I knew you had it in you. 1248 01:27:24,872 --> 01:27:26,840 Dad! I can't believe you're here. 1249 01:27:26,941 --> 01:27:28,875 I can't believe you graduated. 1250 01:27:28,977 --> 01:27:30,672 A friend of yours... 1251 01:27:30,778 --> 01:27:32,973 sent me this. 1252 01:27:34,449 --> 01:27:37,885 I'm proud of you, Van, graduation or no graduation. 1253 01:27:37,986 --> 01:27:40,819 Thank you. And I'm sorry that I spent... 1254 01:27:40,922 --> 01:27:44,255 such a buttload of your money for so long. 1255 01:27:44,359 --> 01:27:47,692 It's by far the best investment I ever made. 1256 01:27:57,505 --> 01:28:01,100 - You did good. - Let's get this man "leid." 1257 01:28:01,209 --> 01:28:03,643 Meet my new girl. 1258 01:28:20,094 --> 01:28:22,654 You look so-- 1259 01:28:22,764 --> 01:28:24,254 Wow. 1260 01:28:24,365 --> 01:28:27,391 - Wow. - I was hoping you'd say that. 1261 01:28:35,677 --> 01:28:39,272 - May I? - As long as we cuddle afterwards. 1262 01:28:43,584 --> 01:28:47,918 There's so much that I need to say-- the article-- 1263 01:28:55,530 --> 01:28:58,021 I was scared that you wouldn't come. 1264 01:28:58,132 --> 01:29:01,124 Well, I was trying to decide what panties I should wear. 1265 01:29:02,003 --> 01:29:04,028 Which ones did you choose? 1266 01:29:04,906 --> 01:29:06,601 None. 1267 01:29:54,355 --> 01:29:56,516 It's gonna be a bachelor party. 1268 01:29:56,624 --> 01:29:59,525 One last night of debauchery with the fellas. 1269 01:30:09,370 --> 01:30:11,531 You can't even-- 1270 01:30:11,639 --> 01:30:13,630 I mean, this girl is-- 1271 01:30:15,143 --> 01:30:18,476 - I was wondering-- - I'll do it. 1272 01:30:22,850 --> 01:30:25,944 I'm getting my shit together. Just one second. 1273 01:30:26,754 --> 01:30:28,312 I can't do this! 1274 01:30:38,366 --> 01:30:40,857 Oh, man. My mama never told me I'd be doing this. 1275 01:30:43,004 --> 01:30:44,938 I want to chew the-- 1276 01:30:45,039 --> 01:30:47,132 And then-- I don't know how. 1277 01:30:56,517 --> 01:31:01,079 Kids, this is what white jockey blowin' hookers will do to you.