1
00:02:27,899 --> 00:02:32,821
<i>Manhattan Island derives its name
from its earliest inhabitants...</i>

2
00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:35,406
<i>the Manhattan Indians.</i>

3
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:40,537
<i>They were a peaceful tribe,
setting traps, fishing, hunting.</i>

4
00:02:40,745 --> 00:02:43,248
<i>There was a custom among them:</i>

5
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:47,168
<i>Every July, when the heat
became unbearable...</i>

6
00:02:47,377 --> 00:02:51,089
<i>they would send their wives
and children</i> away.

7
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,424
<i>Up the river to the highlands...</i>

8
00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:57,762
<i>or, if they could afford it,
to the seashore.</i>

9
00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:02,600
<i>The husbands remained behind
to attend to business:</i>

10
00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:07,272
<i>Setting traps, fishing and hunting.</i>

11
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:17,532
<i>Our story has nothing whatsoever
to do with Indians.</i>

12
00:03:17,782 --> 00:03:21,244
<i>It plays 500 years later.</i>

13
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:26,624
<i>Portland, Rockland,
Plymouth and Bar Harbor.</i>

14
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:28,751
<i>Departing at 6:30...</i>

15
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:33,256
<i>We brought up the subject
to show how nothing has changed.</i>

16
00:03:33,464 --> 00:03:37,302
<i>Manhattan wives and children
are still sent away in the summer.</i>

17
00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:40,763
<i>Husbands remain behind
to attend to business:</i>

18
00:03:40,972 --> 00:03:43,975
<i>Setting traps, fishing and hunting.</i>

19
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:48,730
<i>We want you to meet a typical
Manhattan husband.</i>

20
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:54,819
<i>This is Mr. Richard Sherman,
his wife, Helen, and son, Ricky.</i>

21
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,989
Ricky, what are you doing?

22
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:02,160
He's an interplanetary spy.
I blasted him into dust.

23
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:06,831
Cut it out. You're going to Maine,
not to Mars. Goodbye, Helen.

24
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:10,793
- Goodbye, Richard.
- Why can't Daddy come up with us?

25
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:15,924
- Daddy has to stay and make money
- Don't worry. I'll be fine.

26
00:04:16,174 --> 00:04:20,303
- How will I get my allowance?
- I'll mail it to you.

27
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:24,307
You promised to eat properly
and not smoke.

28
00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:27,852
And you promised not to drink.

29
00:04:28,144 --> 00:04:31,356
- I'll call you tonight at 10.
- Goodbye, Helen.

30
00:04:31,606 --> 00:04:35,693
Goodbye, Ricky. Let me kiss you.

31
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:39,447
- Take that thing off.
- He's shutting off my oxygen!

32
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:42,116
Come on, we'll miss the train.

33
00:04:46,162 --> 00:04:49,874
Helen, Ricky, the paddle!
You forgot the paddle!

34
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:53,878
- Ticket, mister?
- My son forgot the paddle.

35
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:59,550
Sorry, only those holding tickets
admitted through the gates.

36
00:05:11,813 --> 00:05:15,066
Oh, no, not me.

37
00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:17,735
And I'm not gonna smoke either.

38
00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:23,241
Look at them. Awful. The train
isn't even out of the station.

39
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,996
Gotta get back to the office.
Man, is this hot!

40
00:05:29,247 --> 00:05:32,417
<i>A few more facts
about Mr. Sherman:</i>

41
00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:35,586
<i>He works for a publishing firm,
Brady & Company.</i>

42
00:05:35,837 --> 00:05:40,550
<i>They publish those pocket editions,
two bits in any drugstore.</i>

43
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:45,722
<i>Old Mr. Brady is the boss,
but Mr. Sherman is the key man.</i>

44
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:48,599
<i>He keeps the whole operation together.</i>

45
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,936
<i>In the 25-cent book business,
you can sell anything.</i>

46
00:05:52,228 --> 00:05:54,939
<i>Even the old, dreary classics.</i>

47
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,859
<i>The trick is to soup up the title...</i>

48
00:05:58,109 --> 00:06:01,279
<i>and get an interesting cover.</i>

49
00:06:01,571 --> 00:06:04,782
<i>It's all a question of imagination...</i>

50
00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:08,453
<i>and Mr. Sherman has a lot
of imagination.</i>

51
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:14,292
That'll be all, Miss Morris.

52
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:21,132
Oh, no, not me. Not me.

53
00:06:23,051 --> 00:06:25,303
And I'm not gonna smoke either.

54
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:30,141
Some husbands run wild
because their wives are away.

55
00:06:30,308 --> 00:06:32,477
Do anything they want.

56
00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:35,897
Like Charlie Lederer.
Annie was gone two days...

57
00:06:36,147 --> 00:06:38,649
when Charlie got himself
tattooed.

58
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:42,570
Green dragon on his chest,
butterfly on the shoulders.

59
00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:46,407
Not me. Oh, no, work, work...

60
00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:51,162
I'll work till 6,
then have dinner at the saloon...

61
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:55,500
No! No saloon, no drinking
like Dr. Summers said.

62
00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:59,629
I know, I'll try
that vegetarian restaurant.

63
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:02,256
Health food, that's the stuff.

64
00:07:02,507 --> 00:07:06,177
<i>The human body
is a very delicate machine.</i>

65
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:09,263
<i>You can't run it on martinis
and goulash.</i>

66
00:07:09,514 --> 00:07:11,849
<i>Especially in this hot weather.</i>

67
00:07:13,017 --> 00:07:17,188
- Miss, may I have the check, please?
- Yes, sir.

68
00:07:17,522 --> 00:07:21,859
Let's see. We had the special,
the soybean hamburger...

69
00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,861
with French-fried soybeans.

70
00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:26,864
Soybean sherbet and peppermint tea.

71
00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:29,200
I had a cocktail to start.

72
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:33,037
Yes, we had the sauerkraut juice
on the rocks.

73
00:07:33,329 --> 00:07:37,959
You'll be proud to know that the meal
was only 260 calories.

74
00:07:38,209 --> 00:07:39,710
I am proud.

75
00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:43,464
That'll be $1.27.

76
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:47,218
- Keep the change.
- We don't permit tipping.

77
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,138
I can put it in our nudist camp fund.

78
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:52,557
- You do that.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

79
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:57,353
It's a worthy cause. We must
bring the message to the people.

80
00:07:57,562 --> 00:08:02,567
To unmask our suffocating bodies
and let them breathe again.

81
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:07,405
Without clothes
there'd be no sickness and no war.

82
00:08:07,697 --> 00:08:11,576
Can you imagine two armies
on the battlefield...

83
00:08:11,826 --> 00:08:14,078
no uniforms, completely nude?

84
00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:19,083
No way of telling friend from foe,
all brothers together.

85
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:23,379
Just a moment, sir.
You forgot your paddle.

86
00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:26,257
Thank you.

87
00:08:40,104 --> 00:08:41,856
I like this house.

88
00:08:42,064 --> 00:08:45,359
Why does Helen want to move
into one of those...

89
00:08:45,610 --> 00:08:48,446
<i>buildings out of
Riot in Cellblock 11?</i>

90
00:08:48,613 --> 00:08:51,616
So much nicer here.
Just three apartments.

91
00:08:51,866 --> 00:08:53,784
Ours, Kaufmans upstairs...

92
00:08:54,035 --> 00:08:59,040
and two guys on the top,
interior decorators or something.

93
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:15,306
It's peaceful with everybody gone.
Sure is peaceful.

94
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:19,143
No Howdy Doody. No Captain Video.

95
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:23,606
No smell of cooking.
No "What happened at the office?"

96
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:28,653
I shot Mr. Brady in the head,
made violent love to Miss Morris...

97
00:09:28,903 --> 00:09:34,909
and set fire to 300,000 copies of
<i>Little</i> Women. That's what happened.

98
00:09:36,244 --> 00:09:41,415
What can happen at the office?
It sure is peaceful.

99
00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:50,424
"Use the opener, Richard."

100
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:07,650
"Carbonated water,
citric acid, corn syrup..."

101
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,361
artificial raspberry flavoring...

102
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,572
"...vegetable colors and preservative."

103
00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:17,326
Why is this stuff better for you...

104
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:20,579
than a little scotch
and a twist of lemon?

105
00:10:20,830 --> 00:10:22,707
I'd really like to know.

106
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:26,877
Helen's gonna call at 10.

107
00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:30,548
I guess I better do a little reading.

108
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:34,510
I brought Dr. Brubaker's
manuscript home with me...

109
00:10:41,142 --> 00:10:43,185
Ricky!

110
00:10:43,436 --> 00:10:48,441
Okay, where is it?
Where is the other one?

111
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:52,111
I know it's lurking here somewhere
to get me.

112
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,531
Where is Captain Video's
other roller skate?

113
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:01,078
Now, who's that?

114
00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:19,680
- Yes, what is it?
- I'm sorry to bother you.

115
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:23,476
I forgot my key,
so I had to ring your bell.

116
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,729
It's perfectly all right.

117
00:11:28,147 --> 00:11:32,151
Anytime. Anything else
I can do for you?

118
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,779
Would you mind pressing it again?

119
00:11:35,029 --> 00:11:37,448
My fan's caught in the door.

120
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:40,701
Oh, of course.

121
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:44,330
- Thanks.
- Do you live in our building?

122
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:48,334
In the Kaufmans' apartment.
They're in Europe.

123
00:11:48,626 --> 00:11:53,130
I know you'll be happy here.
It's a very quiet building.

124
00:11:53,381 --> 00:11:56,884
No dogs, no children,
just two interior decorators.

125
00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:59,261
And you, and of course, me.

126
00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:04,642
- You all right?
- Oh, sure, fine.

127
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,352
Well, good night.

128
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,480
Good night.

129
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,490
Well, now.

130
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:25,496
Maybe I should have
asked her in for a drink.

131
00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:30,292
Make her feel at home.
After all, we're one big family here.

132
00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:35,756
Oh, no, no.

133
00:12:57,778 --> 00:13:01,824
I've got to get to work
on the Brubaker book.

134
00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:05,703
I'm gonna talk to him
about it tomorrow, so I better.

135
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:10,207
<i>Of</i> Man and the Unconscious,
by Dr. Ludwig Brubaker.

136
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,584
Some title.

137
00:13:11,876 --> 00:13:16,046
We'll have to soup this one up,
that's for sure.

138
00:13:22,595 --> 00:13:24,597
Ten o'clock.

139
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:28,350
Helen's not gonna call till 10:00.

140
00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:32,938
I hope this thing
keeps me awake till 10:00.

141
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:37,067
Chapter three:

142
00:13:37,318 --> 00:13:40,446
"The Repressed Urge
in the Middle-Aged Male.

143
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,365
Its Roots and Its Consequences."

144
00:13:44,909 --> 00:13:47,870
Helen has a lot of nerve
calling me at 10:00.

145
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,207
It shows a definite lack of trust.

146
00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:56,212
What does she think I'm gonna do?
Start smoking? Get drunk?

147
00:13:56,504 --> 00:14:01,300
Or tattooed? Charlie...
Big, green dragon.

148
00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:05,513
I bet she thinks I'll have
girls up here.

149
00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:07,348
That's terrible.

150
00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:12,520
Seven years we've been married.
I've never done anything like that.

151
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:18,025
Don't think I couldn't have either.
Because I could have, plenty.

152
00:14:19,443 --> 00:14:21,320
Plenty.

153
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,909
Don't laugh, Helen.

154
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:30,621
I happen to be very attractive
to women.

155
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:34,250
You're attractive to me,
but I'm used to you.

156
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:37,878
This isn't a thing one likes
to tell his wife...

157
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:43,467
but women have been throwing
themselves at me for years.

158
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:47,638
That's right, beautiful ones,
plenty of them.

159
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:51,350
- Acres and acres of them.
- Name one.

160
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:56,355
It's hard just offhand,
but there have been plenty of them.

161
00:14:56,772 --> 00:15:00,568
You asked for it.
Take my secretary, for instance.

162
00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:05,656
To you, she's just Miss Morris,
a piece of office furniture.

163
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,075
Ten fingers to type my letters.

164
00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:10,953
Well, let me tell you.

165
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:14,456
- Did you type this letter?
- Yes, Mr. Sherman.

166
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,168
There are six errors
in the first paragraph.

167
00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:20,546
What is the matter with you?

168
00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:25,384
- What's the matter with you?
- I'll tell you what's the matter.

169
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:30,431
I'm in love with you.
I have been since the day I came here.

170
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:34,393
Deeply, madly, desperately,
all-consumingly.

171
00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:38,147
And to you I'm nothing,
just a piece of furniture.

172
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:41,150
Ten fingers to type your letters with.

173
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:46,280
Mr. Sherman, take a look at me.
I'm a woman, do you hear?

174
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:49,491
With flesh and blood
and nerves and feelings!

175
00:15:49,742 --> 00:15:55,122
I'm in love with you.
I need you, I want you. I want you

176
00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:03,297
That will be all, Miss Morris.

177
00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:20,981
You remember that torn shirt, Helen?
Now you know how it happened.

178
00:16:22,441 --> 00:16:27,780
It got torn at the laundry, that's
how it happened. What an imagination!

179
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,241
You don't realize this
about women and me:

180
00:16:31,492 --> 00:16:34,203
I walk into a room
and they sense it.

181
00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:37,915
I arouse something in them,
I bother them.

182
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:42,711
It's a kind of animal thing I've got.
It's quite extraordinary.

183
00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:46,256
The only extraordinary thing
is your imagination.

184
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:49,760
Last winter when I had
my appendix out...

185
00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:52,221
do you remember the nurse?

186
00:16:52,471 --> 00:16:56,558
That sweet, little old lady
with the gray hair?

187
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,061
That was the day nurse.

188
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:04,358
You never saw the night nurse,
a certain Miss Finch.

189
00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:09,029
Poor Miss Finch.
She fought it as long as she could.

190
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:12,616
- But then one night...
- Richard!

191
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:16,495
Miss Finch, please, not again tonight.

192
00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:20,624
We have so little time.

193
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:26,130
Soon they'll take out your stitches
and I'll have lost you forever.

194
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:31,468
Please, Miss Finch.
There is such a thing as ethics.

195
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,596
Remember, you are a registered nurse.

196
00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:40,185
Ethics? Once I had ethics.
Once I was young.

197
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:45,315
Once I had ideals. I was registered!
And then you happened.

198
00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:50,279
Miss Finch, for five nights now
you've been taking my pulse.

199
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:54,533
Have you never noticed
this simple band of gold?

200
00:17:54,783 --> 00:18:00,164
You've bothered me since they wheeled
you into the operating room.

201
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:05,252
I can't understand it.
There's this animal thing about you.

202
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,590
Please, Miss Finch, my adhesions.

203
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,594
Let's crash out of here.
Let's steal an ambulance.

204
00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:17,723
You're not fit to wear that uniform.

205
00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:20,225
You're rotten to the core.

206
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:25,439
Beat me till your arms ache.

207
00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:28,817
I'll only come crawling back for more.

208
00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:32,738
You're forcing me to take measures...

209
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,032
to protect you from yourself.

210
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:43,165
No, no!

211
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:47,169
Put me down! Put me down!

212
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:57,721
The moth and the flame,
that's what it was.

213
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:02,601
Poor Miss Finch. I hope I didn't
singe her wings too badly.

214
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:06,688
You read too many books
and see too many movies.

215
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:14,029
For instance, take Elaine.
Your best friend, your bridesmaid.

216
00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:18,408
Let me tell you about that weekend
in Westport last summer.

217
00:19:18,659 --> 00:19:22,371
You were playing canasta,
suspecting nothing.

218
00:19:22,663 --> 00:19:25,874
Elaine and I went for a walk. Walk!

219
00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:30,087
We went swimming, moonlight swimming.

220
00:19:41,056 --> 00:19:46,311
What is this strange animal thing
you have? It bothers me.

221
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:50,023
It's bothered me
since the first time I saw you.

222
00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:54,695
And it'll bother me always,
from here to eternity.

223
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:06,039
You must fight it, Elaine.
Remember, I belong to another.

224
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:07,499
Richard!

225
00:20:07,708 --> 00:20:13,046
This can never be. I have a devoted,
trusting wife at home.

226
00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:17,259
And a freckle-faced
little space cadet.

227
00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:19,970
Richard!

228
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:41,408
So, Helen, in light
of the circumstances...

229
00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:44,870
I resent your calling
to check up on me.

230
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,914
Don't worry about me.

231
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:51,418
Although I have tremendous
personal magnetism...

232
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,421
I also have strength of character.

233
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:57,090
And tremendous imagination.

234
00:20:57,341 --> 00:21:02,763
You've begun to imagine it
Cinemascope, with stereophonic sound.

235
00:21:05,349 --> 00:21:06,725
Well...

236
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:09,436
back to work.

237
00:21:11,188 --> 00:21:13,398
Chapter three:

238
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:20,155
"The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged
Male. Its Roots and Its Consequences."

239
00:21:22,991 --> 00:21:26,620
Helen is worried. I just know she is.

240
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:29,539
She plays it cool,
but she can't fool me.

241
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:33,752
Why else would she call
in the middle of the night?

242
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:38,757
She probably figures she isn't
as young as she was. She's 31.

243
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:42,844
One day she'll wake up
and find her looks are gone.

244
00:21:43,095 --> 00:21:45,138
No wonder she's worried.

245
00:21:45,389 --> 00:21:48,767
I don't look different
than I did when I was 28.

246
00:21:49,059 --> 00:21:53,063
It's not my fault, it's just
a simple biological fact.

247
00:21:53,271 --> 00:21:55,691
Women age quicker than men.

248
00:21:55,941 --> 00:22:01,029
I won't look different when I'm 60.
I have that kind of a face.

249
00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:04,533
Everybody'll think she's my mother.

250
00:22:14,001 --> 00:22:15,544
Hello, Mother?

251
00:22:16,003 --> 00:22:17,963
Oh, Helen!

252
00:22:18,130 --> 00:22:22,467
I wasn't expecting you to call
till 10. Everything all right?

253
00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:27,431
Everything's fine here. Seems pretty
empty without you, though.

254
00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:30,600
Just sitting out on the terrace...

255
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:34,730
drinking, getting fractured
on raspberry soda.

256
00:22:36,106 --> 00:22:39,609
Little Ricky okay? Oh, he did?

257
00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:43,613
He hasn't done that for a long time.
It's the excitement.

258
00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,783
That's nice.

259
00:22:49,745 --> 00:22:53,623
Who did you meet on the train?
Tom MacKenzie?

260
00:22:54,124 --> 00:22:56,126
What's he doing up there?

261
00:22:57,335 --> 00:23:00,464
My advice is to avoid Tom
like the plague.

262
00:23:00,630 --> 00:23:03,967
I don't want him
carrying Ricky's kayak.

263
00:23:04,217 --> 00:23:07,721
If anybody carries Ricky's kayak,
it's gonna be you.

264
00:23:07,971 --> 00:23:09,806
How's the weather? Cool?

265
00:23:10,724 --> 00:23:14,686
It's steaming here, like an oven.

266
00:23:15,062 --> 00:23:17,981
Yeah, I'm pretty tired myself.

267
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:21,234
Night. Good night, darling.

268
00:23:27,824 --> 00:23:29,993
Chapter three:

269
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,163
"The Repressed Urge
in the Middle-Aged Male.

270
00:23:33,413 --> 00:23:37,209
Its Roots and Its Consequences."

271
00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:42,923
Maybe a twist of lemon would help
this, or a shot of Worcestershire.

272
00:23:59,106 --> 00:24:02,734
Hey, what's the big idea?!
You wanna kill somebody?

273
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,531
- What's the matter?
- This great cast-iron pot...

274
00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:09,783
practically killed me.

275
00:24:10,033 --> 00:24:13,787
Oh, it's you. Well, hello again.

276
00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:17,374
What happened?
Oh, the tomato plant fell over!

277
00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:18,875
It sure did.

278
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:21,920
- I'm terribly sorry.
- It's nothing.

279
00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:24,381
Look at that poor chair!

280
00:24:24,631 --> 00:24:28,552
I'll pay for it. I hope it's not
some priceless antique.

281
00:24:28,885 --> 00:24:33,932
- It's just early Sears, Roebuck.
- If there's anything I can do...

282
00:24:34,224 --> 00:24:37,769
Do what? There's nothing
to worry about.

283
00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:42,315
I'm certainly glad you're not mad.
Now don't touch it.

284
00:24:42,566 --> 00:24:45,068
I'll have the janitor come down...

285
00:24:45,318 --> 00:24:48,238
and take care of it. Good night.

286
00:24:48,488 --> 00:24:50,740
- Hey there! Wait a minute.
- Yes?

287
00:24:50,991 --> 00:24:53,785
I'll tell you one thing you could do.

288
00:24:54,077 --> 00:24:57,455
If you're not doing anything else
more important.

289
00:24:57,747 --> 00:25:00,417
Would you have a drink with me?

290
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:03,628
- Thanks, I'd love it.
- You would?

291
00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:05,172
Sure, it'd be fun.

292
00:25:05,422 --> 00:25:10,760
Let me just go and put something on.
I get dressed in the kitchen.

293
00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:15,932
When it's hot like this,
I keep my undies in the icebox.

294
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:20,103
- In the icebox?
- See you in a minute.

295
00:25:22,814 --> 00:25:26,193
In the icebox!

296
00:26:00,685 --> 00:26:04,314
I really need it, Dr. Murphy.
Honest I do.

297
00:26:07,317 --> 00:26:10,987
Don't worry, Dr. Murphy
Just one, that's all.

298
00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:28,213
All those lovely
injurious tars and resins.

299
00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:31,883
And now a small concession
from Dr. Summers?

300
00:26:44,229 --> 00:26:48,900
Doctor, let's be reasonable.
Can't fly on one wing.

301
00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:52,195
Okay, I'll put some soda in it.

302
00:27:01,413 --> 00:27:05,041
"Do you want to come in for a drink?"
"I'd love it."

303
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:06,876
Just like that.

304
00:27:08,712 --> 00:27:13,758
A beautiful girl too.
Must be a model or actress.

305
00:27:33,111 --> 00:27:36,614
Atmosphere.
I need a little atmosphere.

306
00:27:40,327 --> 00:27:42,579
Tomato plant.

307
00:27:43,246 --> 00:27:45,582
Fan caught in the door.

308
00:27:48,752 --> 00:27:52,339
What am I doing?
This is absolutely ridiculous.

309
00:27:52,630 --> 00:27:56,968
The first night Helen leaves,
I'm bringing dames in here.

310
00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:07,771
Take it easy.

311
00:28:07,979 --> 00:28:13,443
There's nothing wrong with asking
a neighbor down for a drink.

312
00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:16,780
I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea.

313
00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:21,951
If this dame thinks she's in for
a big time, she's in for a surprise.

314
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,663
One drink and out!
I'm a happily married man.

315
00:28:26,289 --> 00:28:28,583
Maybe a little soft music.

316
00:28:29,959 --> 00:28:32,462
She's probably getting all fixed up.

317
00:28:32,796 --> 00:28:36,800
She'll probably wear
some ice-cold evening dress.

318
00:28:37,008 --> 00:28:42,347
Let's see. Debussy, Ravel.

319
00:28:42,639 --> 00:28:46,768
Stravinsky.
Stravinsky'd only scare her.

320
00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:51,773
Here's the baby, Rachmaninoff.
Give her the full treatment.

321
00:28:51,981 --> 00:28:54,275
Come in like gangbusters.

322
00:29:01,825 --> 00:29:03,159
Good old Rachmaninoff.

323
00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:07,664
The Second Piano Concerto.
Never misses.

324
00:29:38,403 --> 00:29:41,823
You came. I'm so glad.

325
00:29:45,577 --> 00:29:50,331
- Rachmaninoff.
- The Second Piano Concerto.

326
00:29:50,665 --> 00:29:54,502
- It isn't fair.
- Not fair? Why?

327
00:29:55,211 --> 00:29:58,923
- Every time I hear it, I go to pieces.
- Oh?

328
00:30:02,218 --> 00:30:04,512
May I sit next to you?

329
00:30:06,264 --> 00:30:08,057
Please do.

330
00:30:31,247 --> 00:30:34,125
It shakes me, it quakes me.

331
00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:37,086
It makes me goose-pimply all over.

332
00:30:37,295 --> 00:30:42,300
I don't know where I am,
or who I am, or what I'm doing.

333
00:30:42,592 --> 00:30:47,555
Don't stop, don't stop.
Don't ever stop.

334
00:30:49,224 --> 00:30:53,603
- Why did you stop?
- You know why I stopped.

335
00:30:53,895 --> 00:30:56,940
- Why?
- Because.

336
00:30:57,148 --> 00:31:00,568
Because now I'm going to kiss you...

337
00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:03,571
very quickly and very hard.

338
00:31:25,635 --> 00:31:27,512
One moment, my dear.

339
00:31:32,767 --> 00:31:34,352
You came.

340
00:31:35,186 --> 00:31:37,981
Yeah, I came for the rugs.

341
00:31:38,189 --> 00:31:40,817
The rugs? What is it you want?

342
00:31:41,109 --> 00:31:43,945
The bedroom rugs.
I promised Mrs. Sherman.

343
00:31:44,153 --> 00:31:45,280
Mr. Kruhulik...

344
00:31:45,363 --> 00:31:48,950
- It's on account of the moths.
- Forget the rugs.

345
00:31:49,158 --> 00:31:53,621
Your wife is gonna find them
full of big, gaping holes.

346
00:31:53,830 --> 00:31:56,332
Who'll get blamed? The janitor.

347
00:31:56,541 --> 00:32:00,211
Pick them up tomorrow
while I'm at the office.

348
00:32:00,503 --> 00:32:05,550
I can't. I'm taking the missus
and the kids to the train.

349
00:32:05,842 --> 00:32:10,847
- They're going to the country.
- All right, in the afternoon then.

350
00:32:11,055 --> 00:32:16,477
I can't do it then. I'm going
to the barber in the afternoon.

351
00:32:16,686 --> 00:32:21,858
I'm gonna take a shave,
haircut, manicure, the whole works.

352
00:32:22,025 --> 00:32:26,529
I couldn't care less.
Come tomorrow evening, just not now.

353
00:32:26,738 --> 00:32:31,868
Tomorrow evening?
Do you know the maid from 531 Park?

354
00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:37,248
You must've seen her walking
down the street with her fat poodle.

355
00:32:37,540 --> 00:32:38,541
What?

356
00:32:38,708 --> 00:32:43,546
Come now, we're both summer bachelors.
Don't let's be naive.

357
00:32:43,838 --> 00:32:45,715
Good night, Mr. Kruhulik!

358
00:32:46,716 --> 00:32:50,386
Big, fat poodle! He's got four kids.

359
00:32:50,595 --> 00:32:55,224
Something happens to people
in the summer. It's disgraceful.

360
00:32:55,558 --> 00:33:00,396
It's late. Where is she?
This is ridiculous.

361
00:33:00,563 --> 00:33:04,901
She could've been here,
had her drink and gone home already.

362
00:33:05,109 --> 00:33:07,111
Ice, we'll need ice.

363
00:33:11,949 --> 00:33:13,409
Coming!

364
00:33:25,922 --> 00:33:27,382
Coming, coming!

365
00:33:32,637 --> 00:33:34,055
Hi!

366
00:33:34,555 --> 00:33:36,766
It's me. Don't you remember?

367
00:33:37,058 --> 00:33:39,102
The tomato from upstairs.

368
00:33:39,310 --> 00:33:42,605
Of course, the tomato.
Come in, please.

369
00:33:42,814 --> 00:33:45,483
Honestly, I don't know
how it happened.

370
00:33:45,775 --> 00:33:49,821
I was watering the plants.
I promised the Kaufmans I would.

371
00:33:50,113 --> 00:33:54,409
I was using the cocktail shaker.
It's the only thing I found.

372
00:33:54,617 --> 00:33:59,414
A little silver one.
Then there was this terrible crash.

373
00:33:59,664 --> 00:34:04,502
You could've been killed.
It's probably criminal negligence.

374
00:34:04,794 --> 00:34:07,964
You could've sued somebody.
Me, probably.

375
00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:12,844
Well, not you. You'd have been dead.
Your lawyers could have.

376
00:34:13,136 --> 00:34:16,472
Case dismissed.
What would you like to drink?

377
00:34:16,639 --> 00:34:21,352
I don't know. Anything.
You have a nice place here.

378
00:34:21,644 --> 00:34:25,982
- You live here alone?
- Yes, I live here alone. All alone.

379
00:34:28,192 --> 00:34:32,196
- It's a roller skate. Mine, you know.
- Yours?

380
00:34:32,488 --> 00:34:37,535
It's adjustable. I skate a lot.
What would you like to drink?

381
00:34:37,827 --> 00:34:41,122
- You do drink?
- Sure, I drink like a fish.

382
00:34:41,330 --> 00:34:45,460
- Do you have gin?
- Of course. You mean straight gin?

383
00:34:45,710 --> 00:34:49,338
No, gin and soda, I guess.

384
00:34:49,547 --> 00:34:54,552
- Gin and soda?
- That's wrong. How do you drink gin?

385
00:34:54,844 --> 00:34:59,974
There's gin and tonic, and gin
and vermouth, that's a martini.

386
00:35:00,183 --> 00:35:05,188
That sounds cool. I'll have a glass
of that. A big, tall one.

387
00:35:07,023 --> 00:35:09,525
Big, tall martini.

388
00:35:22,747 --> 00:35:26,167
This is a nicer apartment
than the Kaufmans'.

389
00:35:26,417 --> 00:35:29,378
For instance,
the Kaufmans have no stairs.

390
00:35:30,087 --> 00:35:33,841
- Hey, where do they lead to?
- No place.

391
00:35:34,050 --> 00:35:38,930
No place? A stairway to nowhere.
That's elegant.

392
00:35:39,222 --> 00:35:43,893
I wouldn't say elegant.
You see, this used to be a duplex.

393
00:35:44,185 --> 00:35:49,524
The landlord made two apartments
out of it by boarding up your floor.

394
00:35:50,358 --> 00:35:54,028
Oh, yes, I remember that patch
in the floor.

395
00:35:54,237 --> 00:35:57,073
I dropped my cuticle pusher
down the crack.

396
00:35:57,365 --> 00:35:59,575
Cuticle pusher. Yeah.

397
00:35:59,867 --> 00:36:03,746
Well, here you are. Big, tall martini.

398
00:36:04,038 --> 00:36:07,250
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

399
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:11,754
Very good.
Maybe it needs a bit more sugar.

400
00:36:11,963 --> 00:36:15,758
I'd strongly advise against
putting sugar in a martini.

401
00:36:16,050 --> 00:36:19,220
- You would? Why?
- Well...

402
00:36:19,637 --> 00:36:23,266
Take my word for it.
No sugar in a martini.

403
00:36:23,474 --> 00:36:26,727
Back home they put sugar in martinis.

404
00:36:26,936 --> 00:36:31,107
- Back home? Where?
- Denver, Colorado.

405
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:34,277
Hey, you've got air conditioning!

406
00:36:35,278 --> 00:36:38,322
- How does it work? Put it on.
- Sure!

407
00:36:38,656 --> 00:36:43,244
I got air conditioning in every room.
Don't the Kaufmans?

408
00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:48,958
No, it's just terrible up there.
That's why I bought the electric fan.

409
00:36:49,917 --> 00:36:54,672
This feels just elegant.
I'm just not made for the heat.

410
00:36:54,964 --> 00:36:58,634
It's my first summer in New York,
and it's killing me.

411
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:02,638
Yesterday,
I tried to sleep in the bathtub.

412
00:37:02,847 --> 00:37:05,600
Just lying up to my neck
in cold water.

413
00:37:05,808 --> 00:37:07,351
Good idea.

414
00:37:07,643 --> 00:37:12,273
But the faucet kept dripping.
It was keeping me awake.

415
00:37:12,523 --> 00:37:17,320
You know what I did?
I pushed my big toe up the faucet.

416
00:37:17,987 --> 00:37:20,156
They call that American know-how.

417
00:37:20,448 --> 00:37:24,452
Then my toe got stuck
and I couldn't get it out again.

418
00:37:24,660 --> 00:37:25,828
You couldn't?

419
00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:31,042
But there's a phone in the bathroom.
I was able to call the plumber.

420
00:37:31,334 --> 00:37:32,460
You called him?

421
00:37:32,668 --> 00:37:36,631
He was very nice,
even though it was Sunday.

422
00:37:36,839 --> 00:37:39,967
He rushed right over.

423
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:42,553
Everything come out okay?

424
00:37:42,845 --> 00:37:47,683
- Sure. But it was embarrassing.
- I can see how it might've been.

425
00:37:47,975 --> 00:37:50,186
Honestly, I almost died.

426
00:37:50,394 --> 00:37:53,314
There I was with a strange plumber...

427
00:37:53,522 --> 00:37:56,192
and no polish on my toenails.

428
00:38:03,074 --> 00:38:07,203
- You got a cigarette around?
- A cigarette? Sure.

429
00:38:07,536 --> 00:38:09,080
Coming UP...

430
00:38:26,430 --> 00:38:30,226
- Here you are.
- Are you afraid of burglars?

431
00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:33,729
I'm just trying not to smoke.
The theory is:

432
00:38:34,063 --> 00:38:38,734
If you don't see them,
you don't think about them.

433
00:38:40,736 --> 00:38:44,573
It's not 100% foolproof.
It's only a theory.

434
00:38:44,865 --> 00:38:49,787
All you do is spend half your life
dragging ladders back and forth.

435
00:38:50,079 --> 00:38:53,541
You could break a leg.
It's just ridiculous.

436
00:38:53,749 --> 00:38:57,253
At the club we had this girl
who only smoked cigars.

437
00:38:57,461 --> 00:39:01,257
She only did it
to make herself look older.

438
00:39:04,093 --> 00:39:07,596
- What club was that?
- This club I lived at.

439
00:39:07,888 --> 00:39:10,808
I hated it.
You had to be in by 1 a.m.

440
00:39:11,100 --> 00:39:13,769
Now I can stay out all night.

441
00:39:13,936 --> 00:39:18,441
I was glad when they
practically asked me to leave.

442
00:39:18,774 --> 00:39:22,111
- Why did they ask you to leave?
- It was so silly.

443
00:39:22,319 --> 00:39:27,575
I posed for a picture in
<i>U.</i> S. Camera and they got all upset.

444
00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,827
What was wrong with the picture?

445
00:39:30,119 --> 00:39:34,999
I was... It was one of these
artistic pictures.

446
00:39:36,834 --> 00:39:39,128
On the beach, with driftwood.

447
00:39:39,336 --> 00:39:42,965
- It got honorable mention.
- In <i>U.</i> S. Camera?

448
00:39:43,132 --> 00:39:47,428
It was called "Textures."
You'd see three different kinds.

449
00:39:47,636 --> 00:39:51,682
The driftwood, the sand and me.
I got $25 an hour.

450
00:39:51,974 --> 00:39:56,520
- It took hours and hours.
- Very interesting line of work.

451
00:39:56,812 --> 00:40:01,984
I don't do modeling any more.
Now I'm on TV every other week.

452
00:40:02,276 --> 00:40:05,321
<i>- The Dazzledent Toothpaste Hour.
- You're an actress?</i>

453
00:40:05,613 --> 00:40:08,157
Sort of. I do the commercial part.

454
00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:12,203
It's a good part.
They put gray makeup on my teeth...

455
00:40:12,495 --> 00:40:15,164
to show ordinary toothpaste.

456
00:40:15,372 --> 00:40:19,001
Then they wipe it off
to show how Dazzledent works.

457
00:40:19,210 --> 00:40:22,838
I sit like this
for about 14 seconds...

458
00:40:23,047 --> 00:40:25,633
and I get to speak lines too.

459
00:40:25,841 --> 00:40:29,678
"I had onions at lunch,
I had garlic dressing at dinner."

460
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:33,724
But he'll never know.
I stay kissing-sweet...

461
00:40:34,016 --> 00:40:37,019
"...the new Dazzledent way."

462
00:40:39,313 --> 00:40:42,149
- You do that beautifully.
- Thank you.

463
00:40:42,358 --> 00:40:46,320
People don't realize,
but when I show my teeth on

464
00:40:46,529 --> 00:40:48,739
I appear before more people...

465
00:40:48,989 --> 00:40:53,244
than Sarah Bernhardt ever did.
Something to think about.

466
00:40:53,536 --> 00:40:55,538
It certainly is.

467
00:40:56,038 --> 00:41:00,543
Wish I were old enough to have
seen her. Was she magnificent?

468
00:41:02,878 --> 00:41:06,006
I wouldn't know.
I'm not that old myself.

469
00:41:06,257 --> 00:41:08,092
I guess you're not really.

470
00:41:08,384 --> 00:41:11,846
I'm 39. I will be in August.
At the moment I'm 38.

471
00:41:12,096 --> 00:41:15,766
Thirty-eight? I was 22,
day before yesterday.

472
00:41:16,016 --> 00:41:19,520
I didn't do anything about it.
I didn't tell anyone.

473
00:41:19,728 --> 00:41:22,523
I did buy a bottle of champagne.

474
00:41:22,731 --> 00:41:25,776
I thought I'd sit there,
drink it by myself.

475
00:41:26,068 --> 00:41:29,196
- That sounds absolutely sad.
- Oh, no!

476
00:41:29,405 --> 00:41:34,201
It would've been just elegant,
lying in a bath, drinking champagne.

477
00:41:34,410 --> 00:41:39,790
- But I couldn't get the bottle open.
- You couldn't? There's nothing to it.

478
00:41:40,291 --> 00:41:42,793
You think you could get it open?

479
00:41:43,043 --> 00:41:45,296
I'm pretty sure I could.

480
00:41:45,546 --> 00:41:48,465
I've got an idea.
I'll go up and get it.

481
00:41:48,757 --> 00:41:51,385
It's in the icebox with the potato
chips and my underwear.

482
00:41:51,594 --> 00:41:54,221
- Do you have champagne glasses?
- Yes.

483
00:41:54,430 --> 00:41:57,099
Good! We'll have a wonderful time.

484
00:41:57,308 --> 00:42:00,436
The man says it's very good champagne.

485
00:42:02,897 --> 00:42:08,110
- Shall I bring the potato chips too?
- Sure, let's shoot the works.

486
00:42:11,655 --> 00:42:15,492
Honorable mention in U.S. Camera.

487
00:42:21,248 --> 00:42:23,959
<i>U. S. Camera.</i>

488
00:42:30,591 --> 00:42:35,304
"News Events. Children and Animals.
The Human Body."

489
00:42:54,949 --> 00:42:58,786
Champagne glasses. Champagne glasses.

490
00:43:22,309 --> 00:43:24,853
Phone, phone. Where's the phone?

491
00:43:28,732 --> 00:43:31,026
Hello? Who is it?

492
00:43:31,318 --> 00:43:34,571
Oh, Helen. Well, this is a surprise!

493
00:43:34,863 --> 00:43:38,367
And a pleasant one. How are you?

494
00:43:38,659 --> 00:43:42,162
Sure, I'm all right.
Why shouldn't I be all right?

495
00:43:42,371 --> 00:43:46,500
In what way do I sound funny?
Everything is just fine.

496
00:43:46,709 --> 00:43:50,838
What's your problem?
Did I know Ricky forgot his paddle?

497
00:43:51,088 --> 00:43:55,384
I've been dragging that thing
all over New York. Sure, I will.

498
00:43:55,676 --> 00:43:59,388
I'll send it off first thing.
Good night.

499
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:04,184
Who? Who dropped in after dinner?
Tom MacKenzie?

500
00:44:04,435 --> 00:44:07,187
Good old Tom. How is he?

501
00:44:07,604 --> 00:44:12,234
Drinking? Who, me?
Whatever gave you that idea?

502
00:44:12,526 --> 00:44:16,572
I was sitting here reading
a book about driftwood.

503
00:44:16,864 --> 00:44:21,452
We may publish it. It's interesting.
Some of the formations are...

504
00:44:23,370 --> 00:44:27,750
I'd better hang up.
The bathtub is running over.

505
00:44:28,042 --> 00:44:30,753
Good night. Night!

506
00:44:34,381 --> 00:44:39,720
Sorry, I was on the phone.
A friend of mine in the country...

507
00:44:39,928 --> 00:44:42,765
Oh, say!

508
00:44:43,098 --> 00:44:45,768
It isn't right to drink champagne
in pants.

509
00:44:46,060 --> 00:44:48,645
Would you mind fastening my straps?

510
00:44:48,979 --> 00:44:52,232
Oh, sure. Sure.

511
00:44:53,233 --> 00:44:58,280
Potato chips, champagne.
You really think you can get it open?

512
00:44:58,822 --> 00:45:04,119
Oh, yeah. I've opened one or two
before in my life.

513
00:45:04,286 --> 00:45:08,457
It's simply a matter of pressure
and counter-pressure.

514
00:45:08,749 --> 00:45:12,169
- There she goes.
- You've sure got powerful thumbs.

515
00:45:12,461 --> 00:45:16,465
I used to play a lot of badminton.
Get the glasses.

516
00:45:17,633 --> 00:45:19,301
Quick, quick! The glasses!

517
00:45:22,262 --> 00:45:24,765
- Pour it.
- Seems to be stuck.

518
00:45:24,973 --> 00:45:27,684
That's silly. Give it a good yank.

519
00:45:29,645 --> 00:45:31,355
This never happened before.

520
00:45:31,647 --> 00:45:35,275
It must be the vacuum.
The bubbles create a vacuum.

521
00:45:35,484 --> 00:45:37,486
Let me see if I can do it.

522
00:45:40,447 --> 00:45:42,282
I'll try to twist it.

523
00:45:45,202 --> 00:45:48,622
- You're married!
- I am? Yes, lam.

524
00:45:48,831 --> 00:45:52,668
I knew it. I could tell.
You look married.

525
00:45:54,545 --> 00:45:57,965
Actually, my wife and I are separated.

526
00:45:58,340 --> 00:46:02,219
Separated in the sense
that she went away for the summer.

527
00:46:02,511 --> 00:46:06,849
- Any children?
- No. Well, just one very little one.

528
00:46:07,141 --> 00:46:09,643
It's cold in there.
Finger's getting numb.

529
00:46:09,852 --> 00:46:12,855
I could call the plumber.
He's very good at this.

530
00:46:13,147 --> 00:46:15,858
No, let's keep the plumber out of it.

531
00:46:16,066 --> 00:46:18,402
Grab hold of the piano.

532
00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:22,072
Careful, I had my appendix out
last year.

533
00:46:26,326 --> 00:46:28,871
- Are you all right?
- Fine.

534
00:46:31,206 --> 00:46:34,918
Do you wanna waste it
now that you know I'm married?

535
00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:39,882
I think it's wonderful
that you're married. Just elegant.

536
00:46:40,090 --> 00:46:41,675
- You do?
- Of course.

537
00:46:41,925 --> 00:46:47,264
I wouldn't be lying on the floor
with some man if he wasn't married.

538
00:46:47,514 --> 00:46:50,058
That's an interesting
line of reasoning.

539
00:46:50,350 --> 00:46:53,061
With a married man it's so simple.

540
00:46:53,353 --> 00:46:56,773
I mean, it can't possibly
ever get drastic.

541
00:47:02,946 --> 00:47:08,410
- Have a potato chip.
- In what sense can't it get drastic?

542
00:47:08,619 --> 00:47:13,081
- People keep falling in love with me.
- I can believe it.

543
00:47:13,373 --> 00:47:18,378
- They get this strange idea.
- I believe that too.

544
00:47:18,629 --> 00:47:20,631
They ask me to marry them.

545
00:47:20,881 --> 00:47:24,259
All the time.
I don't know why they do it.

546
00:47:24,551 --> 00:47:28,639
- Maybe it's a kind of nervousness.
- Maybe.

547
00:47:28,931 --> 00:47:32,309
I don't wanna get married.
Not yet, anyway.

548
00:47:33,268 --> 00:47:36,605
That'd be worse than living
at the club.

549
00:47:36,813 --> 00:47:38,941
I'd have to get in by 1 again.

550
00:47:39,274 --> 00:47:42,402
Very true, you would.
At least occasionally.

551
00:47:42,611 --> 00:47:45,739
That's what's wonderful
about a married man.

552
00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:49,117
No matter what,
he can't ask you to marry him.

553
00:47:49,326 --> 00:47:52,621
- He's married already. Right?
- Right.

554
00:47:56,416 --> 00:48:01,964
You certainly don't have to worry
about me. Am I ever a married man!

555
00:48:02,256 --> 00:48:06,677
I'm the most married man
you'll ever know. And I promise...

556
00:48:06,927 --> 00:48:12,307
I will never ask you to marry me,
come what may.

557
00:48:13,433 --> 00:48:16,353
- Well, how about some music?
- Fine.

558
00:48:16,645 --> 00:48:20,482
Let's see what we've got here.

559
00:48:20,774 --> 00:48:25,028
Debussy, Ravel, Stravinsky.

560
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:27,155
Hey, how about this one?

561
00:48:27,447 --> 00:48:30,701
Rachmaninoff,
the Second Piano Concerto.

562
00:48:30,993 --> 00:48:34,663
You look to me
like a big Rachmaninoff girl.

563
00:48:34,871 --> 00:48:38,792
I do? Funny, I don't know
anything about music.

564
00:48:39,001 --> 00:48:44,172
You don't have to.
Just listen to it, that's all.

565
00:48:53,056 --> 00:48:58,186
This is classical music, isn't it?
I can tell. There's no vocal.

566
00:49:01,815 --> 00:49:03,317
Don't talk.

567
00:49:04,318 --> 00:49:06,028
Don't fight it.

568
00:49:06,194 --> 00:49:09,531
Relax. Go limp.

569
00:49:10,407 --> 00:49:13,160
- Like this?
- Yes.

570
00:49:13,368 --> 00:49:16,038
Let it sweep over you.

571
00:49:26,381 --> 00:49:29,760
I got the biggest thing
for Eddie Fisher.

572
00:49:33,722 --> 00:49:37,851
Frequently, people go to pieces
listening to this.

573
00:49:38,101 --> 00:49:40,520
- No kidding?
- Yes.

574
00:49:40,937 --> 00:49:45,067
It quakes them. It shakes them.

575
00:49:45,359 --> 00:49:49,404
Makes them goose-pimply all over.

576
00:49:49,905 --> 00:49:52,741
Did you ever dunk a potato chip
in champagne?

577
00:49:52,949 --> 00:49:57,412
It's real crazy. Here.

578
00:49:57,704 --> 00:50:02,292
- Isn't that crazy?
- Yeah, pretty crazy.

579
00:50:02,542 --> 00:50:07,589
We'd better send Rachmaninoff off.
This wasn't such a good idea.

580
00:50:07,881 --> 00:50:10,926
Don't worry, everything's fine.

581
00:50:11,218 --> 00:50:14,054
A married man, air conditioning...

582
00:50:14,262 --> 00:50:18,892
champagne and potato chips.
It's a wonderful party.

583
00:50:19,101 --> 00:50:23,313
Hey! Look, you've got U.S. Camera!

584
00:50:23,605 --> 00:50:26,733
I do? How about that!

585
00:50:27,275 --> 00:50:28,985
<i>I've got U. S. Camera.</i>

586
00:50:29,277 --> 00:50:34,616
I bought a dozen copies of this
but people kept stealing them.

587
00:50:34,825 --> 00:50:36,952
Why would they do that?

588
00:50:37,786 --> 00:50:40,747
That's me, right there on the beach.

589
00:50:41,456 --> 00:50:45,252
My hair was a little longer then.
Did you notice?

590
00:50:45,460 --> 00:50:49,172
No, I didn't.
Let me ask you something.

591
00:50:49,464 --> 00:50:53,427
When they took this,
there must've been some passersby.

592
00:50:53,635 --> 00:50:57,472
Other people around.
How did they keep the crowd back?

593
00:50:57,639 --> 00:51:01,810
It was taken early in the morning.
Nobody was up.

594
00:51:01,977 --> 00:51:06,982
- Except... You see that shadow?
- Is it a sea gull?

595
00:51:07,274 --> 00:51:11,445
No, a coast guard helicopter.
He kept buzzing the beach.

596
00:51:11,653 --> 00:51:15,323
Maybe you'd like me to autograph
this before I leave.

597
00:51:15,615 --> 00:51:18,160
You're not leaving yet,
are you?

598
00:51:18,452 --> 00:51:21,621
- How about more champagne?
- Love some.

599
00:51:24,207 --> 00:51:26,168
Just freshen it.

600
00:51:28,879 --> 00:51:30,797
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

601
00:51:31,006 --> 00:51:32,466
Here.

602
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:39,347
We should have some music.
Do you play the piano?

603
00:51:39,639 --> 00:51:44,352
Not really. Not any more. I used to.
Just a little as a child.

604
00:51:44,519 --> 00:51:48,690
- Go ahead, play something.
- Well, all right.

605
00:51:52,319 --> 00:51:56,323
Let's see if I remember this.
It's a little tricky.

606
00:52:16,384 --> 00:52:20,555
"Chopsticks"! I can play that too.
Shove over.

607
00:52:42,869 --> 00:52:47,624
I don't know about that Rachmaninoff,
but this really gets me.

608
00:52:47,916 --> 00:52:50,252
- It does?
- And how.

609
00:52:59,261 --> 00:53:03,390
- I can feel the goose pimples.
- Goose pimples?

610
00:53:08,603 --> 00:53:10,438
Don't stop.

611
00:53:11,106 --> 00:53:12,482
Don't stop.

612
00:53:13,733 --> 00:53:17,153
- Why do you stop?
- You know why.

613
00:53:17,404 --> 00:53:22,659
Because now I'm going to take you
in my arms and kiss you...

614
00:53:22,951 --> 00:53:25,745
very quickly and very hard.

615
00:53:25,954 --> 00:53:27,956
Hey, wait a minute!

616
00:53:33,962 --> 00:53:38,174
- What happened? I lost track.
- I don't know.

617
00:53:38,466 --> 00:53:41,636
This is terrible.
There's nothing I can say.

618
00:53:41,928 --> 00:53:45,140
Except that I'm terribly sorry.

619
00:53:45,348 --> 00:53:47,976
Nothing like this ever happened
to me before.

620
00:53:48,310 --> 00:53:51,688
This happens to me all the time.

621
00:53:52,147 --> 00:53:53,607
This is unforgivable.

622
00:53:53,815 --> 00:53:58,028
The only possible excuse is
that I'm not quite myself tonight.

623
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:01,865
Maybe it'd be better
if you would just go.

624
00:54:02,157 --> 00:54:07,495
- Why? You're being silly.
- Please go. I must insist.

625
00:54:10,290 --> 00:54:12,792
Take your potato chips and go.

626
00:54:14,961 --> 00:54:18,173
All right, if you really want me to.

627
00:54:22,344 --> 00:54:24,471
- Good night.
- Good night.

628
00:54:27,140 --> 00:54:29,309
I think you're very nice.

629
00:54:34,814 --> 00:54:39,027
Nice! You're not nice. You're crazy,
that's what you are.

630
00:54:39,319 --> 00:54:43,657
Helen's gone for one day
and you're running amuck.

631
00:54:43,865 --> 00:54:49,371
Smoking, drinking, picking up girls,
playing "Chopsticks."

632
00:54:51,331 --> 00:54:56,044
You're not gonna live through
this summer. Not like this.

633
00:55:01,049 --> 00:55:02,926
Look at those bloodshot eyes.

634
00:55:03,218 --> 00:55:06,846
Look at that face, ravaged,
dissipated, evil.

635
00:55:07,138 --> 00:55:10,517
One morning you'll look in the mirror
and that's all.

636
00:55:10,725 --> 00:55:13,228
<i>The Portrait of Dorian Gray.</i>

637
00:55:35,417 --> 00:55:39,754
- Good morning, Mr. Sherman.
- Good morning, Miss Morris.

638
00:55:41,339 --> 00:55:44,843
- Mr. Brady get in yet?
- Yes, he came in early.

639
00:55:45,093 --> 00:55:49,264
- I wanna see him. Put this on my desk.
- Of course.

640
00:55:49,431 --> 00:55:52,600
Would you like me to get
coffee and a doughnut?

641
00:55:52,892 --> 00:55:53,935
No, thank you.

642
00:56:11,119 --> 00:56:14,456
- Mr. Brady.
- Oh, Sherman, come in.

643
00:56:16,541 --> 00:56:17,792
Well, what is it?

644
00:56:18,084 --> 00:56:23,465
I've been with this company for years,
and I've never asked for a favor.

645
00:56:23,798 --> 00:56:27,469
- You had a raise in February.
- I'm not talking about that.

646
00:56:27,719 --> 00:56:29,804
This is more important than money.

647
00:56:30,096 --> 00:56:34,976
I want two weeks off to join
my wife and son in the country.

648
00:56:35,226 --> 00:56:39,898
This is our busy season.
We're preparing our fall list.

649
00:56:40,148 --> 00:56:41,816
I'm very tense and upset.

650
00:56:42,108 --> 00:56:46,946
I'm on the verge of a breakdown.
If I could get back with my wife...

651
00:56:47,155 --> 00:56:50,158
- How long have you been married?
- Seven years.

652
00:56:50,450 --> 00:56:54,996
In a few years, you'll be delighted
to get rid of them for the summer.

653
00:56:55,246 --> 00:56:59,667
Shipped them to Nantucket
yesterday afternoon...

654
00:56:59,918 --> 00:57:02,629
and I haven't been to bed since.

655
00:57:05,131 --> 00:57:10,345
Drank bourbon, smoked cigars,
played poker till this morning.

656
00:57:10,678 --> 00:57:13,848
Came to the office.
Never felt better in my life.

657
00:57:14,140 --> 00:57:20,188
I may not go to bed at all till
the family gets back in September.

658
00:57:20,688 --> 00:57:22,482
If I stay in New York alone...

659
00:57:22,690 --> 00:57:26,611
there's a chance I may not live
to see September.

660
00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:31,199
That's ridiculous, Sherman.
You're just a little lonely.

661
00:57:31,533 --> 00:57:35,829
What about us teaming up tonight,
seeing if we can get lucky?

662
00:57:36,037 --> 00:57:38,540
It doesn't have to be just poker.

663
00:57:38,873 --> 00:57:42,377
We'll cut loose
and have us a real hootenanny.

664
00:57:42,710 --> 00:57:47,882
It's very kind of you, but
I don't think... No hootenannies.

665
00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:53,388
Suit yourself, but I've been
thinking about that fall list.

666
00:57:53,638 --> 00:57:57,475
What would you think
of a 25-cent reprint...

667
00:57:57,725 --> 00:58:01,896
<i>- ...of The Portrait of Dorian Gray?
- Dorian Gray?</i>

668
00:58:02,147 --> 00:58:06,401
Look what we'll be giving them
for a quarter!

669
00:58:06,651 --> 00:58:10,530
Vice, lust and corruption.
The story of a young man:

670
00:58:10,738 --> 00:58:14,576
On the surface, clear-eyed
and healthy, just like you.

671
00:58:14,868 --> 00:58:17,662
But underneath, dry rot.

672
00:58:17,912 --> 00:58:23,209
The termites of sin and depravity,
gnawing at his soul.

673
00:58:23,501 --> 00:58:25,753
How does that strike you?

674
00:58:26,254 --> 00:58:29,549
No, no. No.

675
00:58:30,925 --> 00:58:32,177
Chapter six:

676
00:58:32,385 --> 00:58:36,598
"The Infidelity Pattern
in the Married Male..."

677
00:58:36,890 --> 00:58:38,558
or the 'seven-year itch.'

678
00:58:38,766 --> 00:58:43,438
A study of 18,000 marriages
conducted by myself...

679
00:58:43,688 --> 00:58:47,775
leads us to believe that
the 'urge curve' in the husband...

680
00:58:48,026 --> 00:58:51,029
rises sharply during
the seventh year.

681
00:58:51,279 --> 00:58:54,449
This phenomenon is humorously...

682
00:58:54,782 --> 00:58:57,785
referred to
as the seven-year itch.

683
00:58:58,244 --> 00:59:01,581
Far from humorous,
this unfortunate urge...

684
00:59:01,789 --> 00:59:06,294
strikes 84.6%
of the married male population...

685
00:59:06,544 --> 00:59:11,382
"...rising to an alarming 91.8%
during the summer months."

686
00:59:20,975 --> 00:59:22,810
Changed my mind.

687
00:59:32,570 --> 00:59:37,659
"Case history A: Gustaf Meyerheim,
the mad lover of Leipzig."

688
00:59:40,495 --> 00:59:45,166
An extreme, but not unusual
case of the seven-year itch...

689
00:59:45,333 --> 00:59:48,503
occurred in Leipzig,
Germany in 1912.

690
00:59:48,670 --> 00:59:52,840
Gustaf Meyerheim, happily married
for seven years...

691
00:59:53,091 --> 00:59:56,010
"...suddenly... " Seven years!

692
01:00:01,808 --> 01:00:06,479
- Dr. Brubaker to see Mr. Sherman.
- Doctor, you're early.

693
01:00:06,771 --> 01:00:10,692
Yes, my 3:00 patient
jumped out of the window.

694
01:00:10,984 --> 01:00:13,820
So I'm ahead of schedule.
Which door?

695
01:00:14,112 --> 01:00:15,905
This one.

696
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:22,829
- Good afternoon, Mr. Sherman.
- Dr. Brubaker.

697
01:00:23,037 --> 01:00:26,207
I see you've been working on my book.

698
01:00:26,416 --> 01:00:29,711
It's a wonderful book.
Very important.

699
01:00:29,877 --> 01:00:32,255
- It has something for everyone.
- Yes.

700
01:00:32,547 --> 01:00:37,218
You'll be happy to know
that we're giving it a big promotion.

701
01:00:37,510 --> 01:00:41,681
You'll be seeing this
in every drugstore in America.

702
01:00:41,931 --> 01:00:46,060
- "Of Sex and Violence"?
- We had to soup up the title.

703
01:00:46,352 --> 01:00:48,730
What does this represent?

704
01:00:49,022 --> 01:00:52,734
Gustaf Meyerheim,
the mad lover of Leipzig...

705
01:00:52,942 --> 01:00:56,404
terrorizing one of his victims.
Isn't that sensational?

706
01:00:56,696 --> 01:01:01,451
May I remind you that Meyerheim
was small, with a red beard?

707
01:01:01,743 --> 01:01:03,411
Nobody knows that.

708
01:01:03,703 --> 01:01:05,413
They know it in Leipzig.

709
01:01:05,621 --> 01:01:09,292
And all his victims
were middle-aged women.

710
01:01:09,584 --> 01:01:12,962
Don't you think it'd be
more effective...

711
01:01:13,254 --> 01:01:16,883
to show a man terrorizing
a young girl, sales-wise?

712
01:01:17,091 --> 01:01:21,596
I'm not a salesman. I'm a doctor.
I heal sick minds.

713
01:01:21,804 --> 01:01:27,268
I find ways to root out insecurities,
neuroses, inner tensions...

714
01:01:28,478 --> 01:01:32,273
- What is it? What are you looking at?
- Nothing.

715
01:01:34,317 --> 01:01:39,447
- Does that mean something, doctor?
- No, nothing serious.

716
01:01:39,655 --> 01:01:44,243
- Dark clouds on the psychic horizon.
- That's preposterous.

717
01:01:44,452 --> 01:01:47,955
A twitch in a thumb,
a nerve or a muscle.

718
01:01:48,247 --> 01:01:53,419
You psychiatrists make a case
out of it. Of all the ridiculous...

719
01:01:53,628 --> 01:01:56,339
- Are you very expensive?
- Very.

720
01:01:56,631 --> 01:01:59,342
- I'm sure you make exceptions.
- Never.

721
01:01:59,634 --> 01:02:02,303
If a case really interests you?

722
01:02:02,470 --> 01:02:05,473
At $50 an hour,
all my cases interest me.

723
01:02:05,640 --> 01:02:10,436
If you run into something spectacular,
another Gustaf Meyerheim...

724
01:02:10,686 --> 01:02:14,023
You wouldn't believe this,
but last night...

725
01:02:14,315 --> 01:02:19,487
I found myself terrorizing
a young lady.

726
01:02:19,695 --> 01:02:22,532
That could account for the thumb.

727
01:02:22,824 --> 01:02:27,370
Actually, it wasn't that bad.
I just made a little boo-boo.

728
01:02:27,620 --> 01:02:31,165
Psychoanalysis doesn't recognize
the boo-boo as such.

729
01:02:31,499 --> 01:02:33,709
Everything is unconscious.

730
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:36,003
I was completely conscious.

731
01:02:36,212 --> 01:02:39,715
I told her to take
her potato chips and go.

732
01:02:40,007 --> 01:02:43,970
- Potato chips. If you please...
- All right, doctor.

733
01:02:47,473 --> 01:02:50,309
I'm in serious trouble. I'm married.

734
01:02:50,977 --> 01:02:54,856
"Serious trouble. Married."
So far, normal.

735
01:02:55,106 --> 01:02:57,358
I've been married for seven years.

736
01:02:57,650 --> 01:03:01,696
I'm coming down with what you call
the seven-year itch.

737
01:03:01,946 --> 01:03:06,659
- What am I going to do?
- If something itches, scratch.

738
01:03:06,868 --> 01:03:11,122
I scratched. There was this lady.
Everything went black.

739
01:03:11,372 --> 01:03:14,876
I terrorized her,
I attempted to terrorize her.

740
01:03:15,168 --> 01:03:17,545
The attempt was unsuccessful?

741
01:03:17,795 --> 01:03:22,967
Definitely. All I did was knock
us both off the piano bench.

742
01:03:23,217 --> 01:03:26,345
Let me understand.
You attempted to terrorize...

743
01:03:26,554 --> 01:03:29,515
a young lady on a piano bench?

744
01:03:30,391 --> 01:03:31,726
Yes.

745
01:03:32,435 --> 01:03:36,522
And on whose person
was this attempt committed?

746
01:03:37,106 --> 01:03:40,693
Here, doctor. I brought this with me.

747
01:03:40,902 --> 01:03:44,447
I didn't wanna leave it
lying around the house.

748
01:03:44,906 --> 01:03:46,866
That's her.

749
01:03:47,074 --> 01:03:49,952
Her hair was a little longer then.

750
01:03:54,457 --> 01:03:59,712
It's called "Textures" because
you can see three different textures.

751
01:03:59,921 --> 01:04:01,380
It got honorable mention.

752
01:04:01,589 --> 01:04:05,551
Splendid. I congratulate you
on your good taste.

753
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:08,888
Interesting driftwood formation too.

754
01:04:09,096 --> 01:04:13,267
I'll give you my advice.
Do not attempt it again.

755
01:04:13,601 --> 01:04:16,979
But if you should,
give yourself room to work in.

756
01:04:17,230 --> 01:04:21,108
Do not attempt it balanced
on a piano bench.

757
01:04:21,275 --> 01:04:23,110
Such an attempt is doomed.

758
01:04:23,277 --> 01:04:26,739
- I love my wife.
- Don't we all? Your time is up.

759
01:04:26,948 --> 01:04:32,161
If you find yourself in need
of further analysis, phone my office.

760
01:04:32,453 --> 01:04:37,124
As for my book, we'll resume
discussion as your... has subsided.

761
01:04:37,416 --> 01:04:42,672
If she tells anybody about this,
I'll kill her with my bare hands.

762
01:04:42,964 --> 01:04:44,465
A possible solution.

763
01:04:44,674 --> 01:04:48,928
But murder is the most difficult
crime to commit.

764
01:04:49,136 --> 01:04:52,306
Until you can commit
a simple act of terror...

765
01:04:52,473 --> 01:04:57,311
I strongly advise you
to avoid anything so complex.

766
01:04:57,645 --> 01:05:01,774
One must learn to walk
before one can run. Goodbye.

767
01:05:08,948 --> 01:05:10,950
I'm in big trouble.

768
01:05:11,951 --> 01:05:14,870
Girls like this can't keep
their mouths shut.

769
01:05:15,162 --> 01:05:17,790
This'll be all over New York.

770
01:05:17,999 --> 01:05:22,670
I bet right this minute
she's telling someone about it.

771
01:05:23,045 --> 01:05:28,175
He lured me in his apartment.
He made me sit on his piano bench.

772
01:05:28,384 --> 01:05:32,346
He made me play "Chopsticks."
Then he turned on me.

773
01:05:32,555 --> 01:05:35,182
He was frothing at the mouth...

774
01:05:36,183 --> 01:05:40,062
just like the creature from
the Black Lagoon!

775
01:05:41,355 --> 01:05:43,524
I knew it. I knew it!

776
01:05:43,733 --> 01:05:48,529
That's how these stories get started.
Big blabbermouth.

777
01:05:48,738 --> 01:05:51,532
Then he lured her
into his apartment...

778
01:05:51,741 --> 01:05:56,746
pretended he wasn't married.
He forced her onto the piano bench.

779
01:05:57,038 --> 01:06:01,667
I know him very well. He was in
here for dinner, 260 calories.

780
01:06:01,876 --> 01:06:05,046
He forced her to sit
on the piano bench...

781
01:06:05,338 --> 01:06:09,008
and then he
made her play "Chopsticks."

782
01:06:10,676 --> 01:06:16,057
The word is spreading. It's spreading.
It's like jungle drums.

783
01:06:16,515 --> 01:06:20,394
Everybody knows about it.
Everybody's talking about it.

784
01:06:21,562 --> 01:06:25,232
Television!
I forgot she's on television.

785
01:06:25,524 --> 01:06:28,069
50 million TV sets in America.

786
01:06:28,361 --> 01:06:31,280
And now with the coaxial cable...!

787
01:06:32,239 --> 01:06:36,744
I had onions at lunch.
I had garlic dressing at dinner.

788
01:06:37,036 --> 01:06:38,996
But he'll never know...

789
01:06:39,205 --> 01:06:45,294
because I stay kissing-sweet
the new Dazzledent way.

790
01:06:48,422 --> 01:06:52,885
Now that I have your attention,
I want to warn all you girls...

791
01:06:53,094 --> 01:06:56,555
about an evil, dangerous,
married man...

792
01:06:56,806 --> 01:06:59,100
living downstairs in my building.

793
01:06:59,392 --> 01:07:02,436
<i>His name is Richard Sherman.</i>

794
01:07:02,770 --> 01:07:06,148
S-H-E-R-M-A-N.

795
01:07:06,399 --> 01:07:09,276
<i>While his wife and son are in Maine...</i>

796
01:07:09,485 --> 01:07:13,280
<i>this monster is terrorizing
the girls of New York.</i>

797
01:07:13,572 --> 01:07:17,159
Mommy, come quick!
They're talking about Daddy.

798
01:07:17,451 --> 01:07:20,579
<i>He makes them sit
on the piano bench...</i>

799
01:07:20,830 --> 01:07:23,332
<i>and makes them play "Chopsticks."</i>

800
01:07:23,624 --> 01:07:26,502
<i>Then suddenly he turns on them...</i>

801
01:07:26,794 --> 01:07:30,464
<i>just like the creature from
the Black Lagoon!</i>

802
01:07:33,634 --> 01:07:35,970
Well, I might as well face it.

803
01:07:36,846 --> 01:07:41,142
She knows everything.
She knows, she knows, she knows.

804
01:07:41,976 --> 01:07:46,689
But maybe she doesn't.
Maybe there isn't any TV up in Maine.

805
01:07:46,939 --> 01:07:51,152
I can't go on like this.
Why don't I just call Helen?

806
01:07:51,444 --> 01:07:56,198
The minute I heard her voice,
I could tell if she knew anything.

807
01:07:56,449 --> 01:07:58,659
All right, call her.

808
01:08:02,705 --> 01:08:06,625
Hello, long distance?
I want Ogunquit, Maine.

809
01:08:06,834 --> 01:08:11,630
Ogunquit-42831 J. Yeah, thanks.

810
01:08:12,548 --> 01:08:18,012
What's taking so long? Maybe she's
talking to the lawyers already.

811
01:08:18,345 --> 01:08:23,392
Hello, hello? Helen? Bad connection.

812
01:08:23,684 --> 01:08:26,854
Who? Who is this?

813
01:08:27,146 --> 01:08:29,815
I wanna talk to Mrs. Sherman.

814
01:08:30,024 --> 01:08:34,862
Who is this? Oh, the babysitter.

815
01:08:35,154 --> 01:08:39,241
Look, this is Mr. Sherman.
Where is Mrs. Sherman?

816
01:08:39,658 --> 01:08:42,745
What do you mean she's on a hayride?

817
01:08:43,037 --> 01:08:45,915
With whom is she on a hayride?

818
01:08:46,415 --> 01:08:48,876
Mr. MacKenzie and some people?

819
01:08:50,211 --> 01:08:51,754
What people?

820
01:08:53,464 --> 01:08:58,052
She did leave a message?
What was the message?

821
01:08:59,637 --> 01:09:04,892
Ricky's paddle. No, I forgot
Something came up.

822
01:09:05,142 --> 01:09:08,979
I'll send it first thing
in the morning. Goodbye!

823
01:09:09,271 --> 01:09:12,316
- Mr. Sherman?
- What is it, Miss Morris?

824
01:09:12,566 --> 01:09:15,820
It's after 6.
Do you need me any more tonight?

825
01:09:16,070 --> 01:09:19,740
No. We've come to the end
of a perfect day.

826
01:09:19,949 --> 01:09:23,452
Let's go home and enjoy
the simple things.

827
01:09:23,661 --> 01:09:28,749
The good things, the real things.
The laughter of a child.

828
01:09:28,916 --> 01:09:33,003
A flight of swallows winging
their way back home.

829
01:09:33,254 --> 01:09:36,090
Life can be beautiful, Miss Morris.

830
01:09:52,273 --> 01:09:53,482
Hey!

831
01:09:54,525 --> 01:09:55,818
Good evening.

832
01:09:56,777 --> 01:09:58,654
I just washed my hair.

833
01:09:59,947 --> 01:10:03,200
That's nice. Goodbye.

834
01:10:07,955 --> 01:10:12,126
Oh, no, not tonight.
This girl's a pistol.

835
01:10:12,334 --> 01:10:15,629
Got away with it once.
Why press my luck?

836
01:10:20,134 --> 01:10:24,972
It's gonna be quiet around here
tonight. I promise you that.

837
01:10:25,180 --> 01:10:31,020
Take a shower, poach an egg,
rinse a shirt, hit the sack...

838
01:10:31,562 --> 01:10:32,980
and that's all.

839
01:10:54,043 --> 01:10:58,505
If she was washing her hair
for me, is she kidding?

840
01:11:01,050 --> 01:11:04,929
Helen, what a wife!
How lucky can you get?

841
01:11:05,179 --> 01:11:07,556
I'm glad she's having a good time.

842
01:11:07,848 --> 01:11:12,186
People to go outwith,
take her on hayrides.

843
01:11:14,104 --> 01:11:19,026
One thing, though. What's she doing
on a hayride with MacKenzie?

844
01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:22,696
I wish she wouldn't hang around
people like that.

845
01:11:22,947 --> 01:11:25,074
He's capable
of making a pass at her.

846
01:11:25,366 --> 01:11:28,702
She'll probably like it.
She's getting older.

847
01:11:28,869 --> 01:11:33,123
I'm probably very dull.
And MacKenzie is a writer.

848
01:11:33,374 --> 01:11:37,628
A lousy writer.
That last book of his!

849
01:11:37,920 --> 01:11:41,131
All that downwardly pulsating...

850
01:11:41,382 --> 01:11:44,301
and hair spilled across the pillow.

851
01:11:44,551 --> 01:11:49,473
No woman is safe around a guy
who writes stuff like that.

852
01:12:04,655 --> 01:12:08,409
No, Tom, please. The other people!

853
01:12:08,659 --> 01:12:12,413
I have a confession to make.
Look around.

854
01:12:15,290 --> 01:12:19,294
- There are no other people.
- Don't be angry.

855
01:12:19,628 --> 01:12:21,338
I should be.

856
01:12:22,006 --> 01:12:25,009
No, Tom. What about the driver?

857
01:12:25,259 --> 01:12:29,263
- There is no driver.
- No driver?

858
01:12:29,513 --> 01:12:33,600
I thought of everything.
Even the horses are wearing blinkers.

859
01:12:34,101 --> 01:12:38,480
- Tom, I'm afraid.
- Afraid? Of me?

860
01:12:38,772 --> 01:12:41,775
No, of me.

861
01:12:42,943 --> 01:12:46,947
Oh, darling!
Downwardly, pulsating, striving.

862
01:12:47,197 --> 01:12:50,451
Now together, ending and unending.

863
01:12:50,701 --> 01:12:54,496
Now, now, now!

864
01:12:55,205 --> 01:12:59,334
What a cornball. Okay, good luck.

865
01:12:59,543 --> 01:13:04,506
If that's the way you wanna play it,
I can play it that way too!

866
01:13:15,392 --> 01:13:18,145
Kaufman. Kaufman. Kaufman.

867
01:13:31,867 --> 01:13:37,247
Hi! Did you know you left your
tomato plant down here last night?

868
01:13:39,333 --> 01:13:41,668
I'd be glad to bring it up.

869
01:13:43,504 --> 01:13:46,673
Maybe you'd like to have dinner.

870
01:13:48,509 --> 01:13:52,262
Then maybe we could
go to an air-conditioned movie.

871
01:14:08,529 --> 01:14:11,740
Didn't you love the picture? I did.

872
01:14:12,032 --> 01:14:16,370
But I just felt so sorry
for the creature at the end.

873
01:14:16,578 --> 01:14:20,707
Sorry? What, did you want him
to marry the girl?

874
01:14:20,916 --> 01:14:25,462
He was scary-looking,
but he wasn't really all bad.

875
01:14:25,712 --> 01:14:28,465
He just craved a little affection.

876
01:14:28,757 --> 01:14:32,719
A sense of being loved
and needed and wanted.

877
01:14:32,970 --> 01:14:35,722
That's an interesting point of view.

878
01:14:36,140 --> 01:14:38,725
Do you feel the breeze
from the subway?

879
01:14:38,934 --> 01:14:41,061
Isn't it delicious?

880
01:14:46,400 --> 01:14:51,238
Sort of cools the ankles.
What would be fun to do now?

881
01:14:51,446 --> 01:14:54,449
- It's getting pretty late.
- Not that late.

882
01:14:54,741 --> 01:14:58,245
I have this big day tomorrow.
I have to get to sleep.

883
01:14:58,453 --> 01:14:59,663
What's the big day?

884
01:14:59,913 --> 01:15:04,751
Tomorrow I'm on TV.
I told you, The Dazzledent Hour.

885
01:15:05,752 --> 01:15:07,963
Oh, here comes another one.

886
01:15:13,343 --> 01:15:17,931
Tell me, Dazzledent toothpaste,
I don't think I ever tried it.

887
01:15:18,182 --> 01:15:22,477
You should. It's excellent.
Oh, yes, I use it myself.

888
01:15:22,769 --> 01:15:26,440
- Then you do recommend it?
- Definitely.

889
01:15:26,607 --> 01:15:31,945
It costs a little more,
but 8 out of 10 oral hygienists...

890
01:15:32,196 --> 01:15:36,116
You sound like a commercial.
If I believed commercials...

891
01:15:36,366 --> 01:15:40,037
- You can believe this one.
- What's that you say?

892
01:15:40,287 --> 01:15:45,459
"He'll never know. I stay kissing-
sweet the new Dazzledent way"?

893
01:15:45,667 --> 01:15:50,297
- Now really.
- It's true! I'll prove it to you.

894
01:15:53,800 --> 01:15:55,302
Well?

895
01:15:55,510 --> 01:15:59,306
My faith in the integrity
of advertising is restored.

896
01:15:59,640 --> 01:16:05,229
However, before I switch brands,
I wanna make absolutely certain.

897
01:16:10,484 --> 01:16:14,321
A successful businessman
like Kaufman...

898
01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:16,323
probably makes 15,000 a year.

899
01:16:16,490 --> 01:16:21,662
Spends a fortune on sculptures
but will not put in air conditioning.

900
01:16:21,870 --> 01:16:25,249
I bet it was 95
in the bedroom last night.

901
01:16:25,540 --> 01:16:27,668
Poor kid, it's awful.

902
01:16:30,170 --> 01:16:31,171
Good night.

903
01:16:31,421 --> 01:16:34,883
If you wanted to drop by my place
to cool off...

904
01:16:35,175 --> 01:16:38,512
before you face that Turkish bath
up there...

905
01:16:38,762 --> 01:16:43,433
I left the air conditioning
on full blast. It's cold in there.

906
01:16:43,684 --> 01:16:48,730
- Maybe for a few minutes.
- To bring the body temperature down.

907
01:16:49,523 --> 01:16:52,567
I feel no matter how much it costs...

908
01:16:52,859 --> 01:16:56,071
if you've got to sell
the kids' bonds...

909
01:16:56,363 --> 01:16:59,199
I say in the summertime
in New York...

910
01:16:59,408 --> 01:17:02,369
you've got to have
air conditioning.

911
01:17:03,787 --> 01:17:05,372
Just feel that.

912
01:17:11,211 --> 01:17:15,465
I didn't tell you, but I have
air conditioning in every room.

913
01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:18,760
The kitchen, the bathroom,
the bedroom.

914
01:17:19,052 --> 01:17:22,055
- Heaven!
- You just relax.

915
01:17:22,306 --> 01:17:27,102
I'll fix two drinks,
and we'll have a nice, quiet talk.

916
01:17:38,947 --> 01:17:41,283
This is really the most!

917
01:17:43,243 --> 01:17:45,912
Well, what shall we talk about?

918
01:17:46,121 --> 01:17:48,999
How about psychoanalysis?

919
01:17:49,416 --> 01:17:54,588
I don't know how much you know
about it, but it's a hobby of mine.

920
01:17:54,796 --> 01:17:59,092
I like to wander through the labyrinth
of the human mind.

921
01:17:59,301 --> 01:18:03,638
What gets me is spending $3.95
for that miserable fan.

922
01:18:03,930 --> 01:18:05,807
It's absolutely useless.

923
01:18:06,016 --> 01:18:09,686
I'll take it back to the store
to get my money back.

924
01:18:09,936 --> 01:18:13,440
Just hope I didn't
lose the sales slip.

925
01:18:14,274 --> 01:18:16,443
Two days ago we were strangers...

926
01:18:16,693 --> 01:18:19,821
and now you're here alone with me.

927
01:18:20,489 --> 01:18:23,283
How did it happen? Why did we meet?

928
01:18:23,533 --> 01:18:26,620
The answer lies in the unconscious.

929
01:18:27,287 --> 01:18:32,125
If they won't take back the fan,
the larger size is only $3 more.

930
01:18:32,793 --> 01:18:37,881
But what about tonight?
I've just got to get some sleep.

931
01:18:38,131 --> 01:18:43,387
You think that plant fell by itself?
There are no accidents.

932
01:18:43,637 --> 01:18:46,515
Nothing happens by itself.
We make it happen.

933
01:18:46,723 --> 01:18:51,019
You didn't accidentally brush
the plant, you pushed it.

934
01:18:51,311 --> 01:18:56,358
Maybe if I took the fan,
put it in the icebox...

935
01:18:56,650 --> 01:18:58,652
and left the door open...

936
01:18:58,902 --> 01:19:04,574
then left the bedroom door open
and soaked the sheets in ice water...

937
01:19:04,825 --> 01:19:07,536
No, that's too icky.

938
01:19:07,744 --> 01:19:10,163
Your behavior is obvious.

939
01:19:10,414 --> 01:19:13,333
You pushed the plant down to kill me.

940
01:19:13,583 --> 01:19:16,086
And why do you suppose you wanted to?

941
01:19:16,378 --> 01:19:21,174
Could it be, could it possibly be
because you love me?

942
01:19:24,761 --> 01:19:30,100
Of course I could simply ask him if...
I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

943
01:19:31,351 --> 01:19:33,687
He's such a nice man.

944
01:19:34,229 --> 01:19:39,234
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Under this veneer we're all savages.

945
01:19:39,526 --> 01:19:42,863
Man, woman, hopelessly enmeshed.

946
01:19:43,113 --> 01:19:47,409
We're on a toboggan, we can't stop.
It's too late to run.

947
01:19:47,701 --> 01:19:49,953
The beguine has begun.

948
01:19:50,871 --> 01:19:53,081
What are we going to do?

949
01:19:55,125 --> 01:19:58,920
I've been thinking about it and I...

950
01:19:59,212 --> 01:20:00,881
Yes?

951
01:20:01,047 --> 01:20:04,301
I'd like to stay here
with you tonight.

952
01:20:05,093 --> 01:20:07,220
I'd like to sleep here.

953
01:20:11,475 --> 01:20:15,228
- Are you sure?
- That is, if you don't mind.

954
01:20:16,313 --> 01:20:20,942
It's not a question of minding.
We don't wanna rush into this.

955
01:20:21,234 --> 01:20:25,906
There are savages, and savages.
This may be too savage.

956
01:20:26,114 --> 01:20:28,283
If you want to stay...

957
01:20:28,909 --> 01:20:31,912
Don't make me go
to that hot apartment.

958
01:20:32,078 --> 01:20:37,292
I haven't slept in three nights.
I'd like to look good tomorrow.

959
01:20:37,584 --> 01:20:40,837
I could sleep right here
in this chair.

960
01:20:41,129 --> 01:20:45,759
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
You won't know I'm around. Please?

961
01:20:47,844 --> 01:20:53,266
Well, that's different.
Of course you can sleep here.

962
01:20:53,475 --> 01:20:56,603
We're not savages.
We're civilized people.

963
01:20:56,853 --> 01:21:01,107
- Thank you. What time do you get up?
- About 8, I guess.

964
01:21:01,316 --> 01:21:06,154
- I'll fix you breakfast.
- Fix my breakfast... Wait a minute.

965
01:21:06,363 --> 01:21:10,825
Suppose someone sees
you leaving the apartment at 8.

966
01:21:11,117 --> 01:21:13,620
Just one person sees you,
and we're dead.

967
01:21:13,828 --> 01:21:18,875
All right then, I could get up
at 6 and sneak upstairs.

968
01:21:19,125 --> 01:21:21,628
Get up at 6 and sneak... Sneak!

969
01:21:21,878 --> 01:21:25,966
Even worse. Suppose someone sees you
sneaking out?

970
01:21:26,174 --> 01:21:28,385
We're not doing anything wrong.

971
01:21:28,635 --> 01:21:33,306
Certainly, but there's such
a thing as society, laws, rules.

972
01:21:33,473 --> 01:21:36,685
But after all, no man is an island.

973
01:21:43,316 --> 01:21:47,571
- Who is it?
- It's me, Mr. Kruhulik.

974
01:22:02,043 --> 01:22:04,921
- What is it?
- I was just coming home.

975
01:22:05,171 --> 01:22:09,509
Went out with a lady,
the one with the big, fat poodle.

976
01:22:09,718 --> 01:22:14,848
I saw your light. I thought it might
be a good time to pick up the rugs.

977
01:22:15,056 --> 01:22:18,226
At 1:30 in the morning?
Are you out of your mind?

978
01:22:18,435 --> 01:22:20,353
I promised your wife.

979
01:22:20,520 --> 01:22:25,609
Those moths are probably right now
chewing away big, gaping holes.

980
01:22:25,859 --> 01:22:28,570
Stop worrying.
I give you my word...

981
01:22:28,778 --> 01:22:31,364
the moths are not eating anything.

982
01:22:31,573 --> 01:22:35,535
Come tomorrow, early,
before they have their breakfast.

983
01:22:35,744 --> 01:22:38,747
You can't trust a moth, Mr. Sherman.

984
01:22:39,039 --> 01:22:40,790
They get hungry at night...

985
01:22:41,041 --> 01:22:44,878
so they start looking around
for a snack and...

986
01:22:51,301 --> 01:22:55,055
- Oh, I wish I was dead
- What's the matter?

987
01:22:55,305 --> 01:22:59,434
I'm sorry. I didn't quite
understand the situation.

988
01:22:59,726 --> 01:23:03,313
In a situation like this,
who cares about moths?

989
01:23:03,563 --> 01:23:06,566
Situation, Mr. Kruhulik?
What situation?

990
01:23:10,987 --> 01:23:13,657
Moths? Let them eat the rugs.

991
01:23:13,907 --> 01:23:16,785
Let them eat the curtains. Who cares?

992
01:23:17,494 --> 01:23:19,913
Go, man, go.

993
01:23:21,414 --> 01:23:25,418
I'd like to explain this.
This may seem unusual.

994
01:23:25,627 --> 01:23:29,422
- But it's the most natural thing.
- I'll say.

995
01:23:29,673 --> 01:23:34,844
"Summertime, and the living is easy
Fish are jumping, cotton is high."

996
01:23:35,095 --> 01:23:39,432
That's enough! The young lady
lives in this building.

997
01:23:39,641 --> 01:23:42,602
- There's been a terrible accident.
- Hi.

998
01:23:43,269 --> 01:23:46,189
Well, hello!

999
01:23:47,607 --> 01:23:50,819
Isn't she a living doll?

1000
01:23:51,319 --> 01:23:54,197
This lady's tomato plant fell down.

1001
01:23:54,447 --> 01:23:58,034
Sorry to disappoint,
but that's all there is to it.

1002
01:23:58,284 --> 01:24:00,995
In fact, I'm glad you dropped in.

1003
01:24:01,705 --> 01:24:05,500
You can help her take
the plant upstairs. It's here.

1004
01:24:05,709 --> 01:24:08,712
I watered the garden
with a cocktail shaker.

1005
01:24:08,962 --> 01:24:10,630
A little silver shaker.

1006
01:24:10,880 --> 01:24:14,175
You can see your insinuations
are preposterous.

1007
01:24:14,467 --> 01:24:17,387
A natural mistake, Mr. Sherman.

1008
01:24:17,637 --> 01:24:22,475
And my apologies to you, dear lady.
What a doll!

1009
01:24:22,726 --> 01:24:26,563
- Right out here, Mr. Kruhulik.
- What a shambles.

1010
01:24:26,855 --> 01:24:31,067
It's all right.
We're covered. I have a policy.

1011
01:24:33,319 --> 01:24:36,197
Thank you, Mr. Kruhulik,
and good night.

1012
01:24:36,489 --> 01:24:40,076
Good night, Miss...
Whatever your name is.

1013
01:24:40,368 --> 01:24:43,204
Be careful, it's heavy.
Don't strain anything.

1014
01:24:43,496 --> 01:24:45,039
I'm strained already...

1015
01:24:45,331 --> 01:24:50,670
from carrying that big,
fat poodle around. I wish I was dead!

1016
01:24:51,921 --> 01:24:55,675
- Well, good night.
- Good night.

1017
01:24:56,843 --> 01:25:00,513
I'm sorry.
But you can see how it is.

1018
01:25:00,764 --> 01:25:04,184
I understand. No man is an island.

1019
01:25:13,526 --> 01:25:14,861
Normal.

1020
01:25:17,405 --> 01:25:20,116
Everything is absolutely normal.

1021
01:25:20,408 --> 01:25:22,702
Sleep. Go to sleep.

1022
01:25:22,911 --> 01:25:25,246
How can I possibly sleep?

1023
01:25:26,247 --> 01:25:27,749
What'll I do?

1024
01:25:29,459 --> 01:25:34,464
Helen. Write to Helen.
Write a long letter to Helen.

1025
01:25:35,882 --> 01:25:39,719
Paddle, that's it.
I've got to send the paddle.

1026
01:25:39,928 --> 01:25:44,140
Little Ricky out there on the lake
without a paddle.

1027
01:25:44,390 --> 01:25:48,978
Wrap the paddle and send it off
in the morning. Ricky needs it.

1028
01:25:49,229 --> 01:25:54,609
Going to get his paddle.
How do you wrap a paddle, anyway?

1029
01:25:54,901 --> 01:25:57,403
Paper and string, what else?

1030
01:25:58,571 --> 01:26:01,950
I need a piece of paper the shape
of a paddle.

1031
01:26:12,085 --> 01:26:14,254
All right, nothing.

1032
01:26:16,005 --> 01:26:20,134
Hey, there's some gauze
in the bathroom.

1033
01:26:20,343 --> 01:26:24,347
I can bandage the whole thing,
put some tape on it and...

1034
01:26:24,597 --> 01:26:28,268
And what, send it up in an ambulance?

1035
01:26:30,937 --> 01:26:33,106
This is ridiculous.

1036
01:26:33,314 --> 01:26:37,277
People send paddles every day.
The mails are full of them.

1037
01:26:37,527 --> 01:26:39,696
How do they do it?

1038
01:26:42,156 --> 01:26:45,493
That's it, old newspapers!

1039
01:26:45,869 --> 01:26:48,288
Big deal, old newspapers.

1040
01:26:48,454 --> 01:26:52,292
Get a lot of string,
slap it together...

1041
01:27:11,144 --> 01:27:12,478
Hi.

1042
01:27:15,648 --> 01:27:20,987
Forgot about the stairs. It was
so easy. I pulled out the nails.

1043
01:27:23,197 --> 01:27:26,868
You know what?
We can do this all summer.

1044
01:28:18,252 --> 01:28:20,546
Miss. Young lady.

1045
01:28:21,381 --> 01:28:25,551
I've got to take a shower.
Got to get to the office.

1046
01:28:25,802 --> 01:28:30,890
Please, lady, get up, go home
so I can get to the office.

1047
01:28:31,474 --> 01:28:34,435
Please, lady? No?

1048
01:29:26,779 --> 01:29:30,491
Poor kid, working in New York
in this heat.

1049
01:29:30,783 --> 01:29:35,455
And on television! Standing there
under those hot lights.

1050
01:29:38,791 --> 01:29:41,544
She must need money real bad.

1051
01:29:41,794 --> 01:29:46,841
Lives in an expensive apartment.
I know what clothes cost.

1052
01:29:47,133 --> 01:29:49,719
Buys imported champagne.

1053
01:29:50,470 --> 01:29:53,139
How can she possibly afford...?

1054
01:29:53,347 --> 01:29:55,808
She must have
other sources of income.

1055
01:29:56,809 --> 01:30:01,731
Plenty of ways a girl can get money
if she's unscrupulous enough.

1056
01:30:01,981 --> 01:30:07,195
She could get herself some foolish,
well-to-do married man.

1057
01:30:07,487 --> 01:30:09,989
Trap him into some situation.

1058
01:30:10,198 --> 01:30:15,161
Bleed him till he's white,
squeeze him till he's dry...

1059
01:30:16,746 --> 01:30:21,834
They have a word for this.
They call it "blackmail."

1060
01:30:32,678 --> 01:30:35,765
Where is she? She's with Kruhulik.

1061
01:30:36,015 --> 01:30:40,186
They're down at the bank
going through my safe-deposit box.

1062
01:30:46,859 --> 01:30:49,946
Hello, are you in there?

1063
01:30:50,196 --> 01:30:55,201
Hi, good morning! Just taking
a shower. Be out in a minute.

1064
01:31:00,540 --> 01:31:04,460
Taking a shower, she'll be out
in a minute, that's all.

1065
01:31:04,710 --> 01:31:09,132
I should get one of the new towels
and take it to her.

1066
01:31:11,384 --> 01:31:15,221
That would very definitely
be another boo-boo.

1067
01:31:17,390 --> 01:31:21,894
If anyone were to walk in,
would they ever get the wrong idea.

1068
01:31:22,145 --> 01:31:27,400
Cinnamon toast for two, strange blond
in the shower. Explain that.

1069
01:31:27,650 --> 01:31:31,445
Tell them you spent the night
wrapping a paddle.

1070
01:31:35,324 --> 01:31:37,076
Anybody walk in here!

1071
01:31:37,285 --> 01:31:42,498
Who's gonna walk in here?
J. Edgar Hoover? Arthur Godfrey?

1072
01:31:42,748 --> 01:31:44,500
Helen, maybe?

1073
01:31:50,631 --> 01:31:54,760
She's in Maine.
How could she get here?

1074
01:31:56,762 --> 01:32:01,684
On the train, that's how.
On the early morning train.

1075
01:32:01,934 --> 01:32:06,564
Why would she be coming to New York?
Because she knows something.

1076
01:32:06,814 --> 01:32:10,693
Because someone tipped her off.
Who could've tipped...?

1077
01:32:10,943 --> 01:32:13,988
Kruhulik!
He saw the girl here last night

1078
01:32:14,238 --> 01:32:18,492
called Helen long distance
and told her everything.

1079
01:32:18,743 --> 01:32:23,873
She's on the train, I know it.
Early morning train's in already.

1080
01:32:24,081 --> 01:32:29,170
She's in a cab. She's on her way here.
She'll be here any second!

1081
01:32:37,428 --> 01:32:41,098
There's a woman in this apartment.
I know there is.

1082
01:32:41,349 --> 01:32:45,895
- No, Helen, it's not true.
- Don't lie to me, Richard.

1083
01:32:46,145 --> 01:32:49,482
Who told you? Was it Kruhulik?

1084
01:32:49,774 --> 01:32:54,362
That's right.
I've had him watching you for months.

1085
01:32:54,987 --> 01:33:00,409
His name's not Kruhulik. He's
a private eye named Johnny Dollar.

1086
01:33:00,618 --> 01:33:04,038
- What are you going to do?
- I'm going to shoot you.

1087
01:33:04,288 --> 01:33:08,167
I can explain everything.
The cinnamon toast, the shower.

1088
01:33:08,459 --> 01:33:09,919
This girl's from Denver.

1089
01:33:10,169 --> 01:33:15,216
The Kaufmans have no air conditioning.
Spend a fortune on sculpture.

1090
01:33:15,466 --> 01:33:19,929
The drugstore wouldn't
take back her fan, she lost the slip.

1091
01:33:20,179 --> 01:33:25,476
So I let her sleep in our bed.
I was just wrapping the paddle.

1092
01:33:26,477 --> 01:33:30,856
At least have the decency to keep
the paddle of a child...

1093
01:33:31,107 --> 01:33:32,817
out of this sordid mess.

1094
01:33:34,610 --> 01:33:37,697
You're mad.
You'll never get away with this.

1095
01:33:37,989 --> 01:33:42,410
Yes, I will. There's such a thing
as the unwritten law.

1096
01:33:42,660 --> 01:33:44,370
Goodbye, Richard.

1097
01:33:47,373 --> 01:33:51,585
- Give me another chance!
- They'll give me a medal.

1098
01:33:51,794 --> 01:33:55,214
The wives of America
will give me a medal!

1099
01:34:07,727 --> 01:34:12,398
Helen, I'm going fast.
Give me a cigarette.

1100
01:34:12,648 --> 01:34:18,029
A cigarette! You know what
Dr. Murphy told you about smoking.

1101
01:34:21,615 --> 01:34:23,367
A cigarette.

1102
01:34:26,162 --> 01:34:28,748
Just one more cigarette, Dr. Murphy.

1103
01:34:29,707 --> 01:34:31,959
One more for the road.

1104
01:34:32,293 --> 01:34:34,628
For the long, long road.

1105
01:34:36,922 --> 01:34:38,132
Hi.

1106
01:34:39,842 --> 01:34:43,471
- What are you doing?
- I need a cigarette.

1107
01:34:43,679 --> 01:34:46,724
They're right there on the table.

1108
01:34:48,017 --> 01:34:51,687
- What's the matter with you?
- I'm all shot.

1109
01:34:51,937 --> 01:34:56,108
It's because I took your bed
and you slept on the couch.

1110
01:34:56,359 --> 01:34:59,153
I knew I should've taken the couch.

1111
01:34:59,445 --> 01:35:01,697
It's not the couch, it's my wife.

1112
01:35:01,947 --> 01:35:05,659
- She found out about us and shot me.
- She what?

1113
01:35:05,868 --> 01:35:09,830
Five times in the back
and twice in the belly.

1114
01:35:10,206 --> 01:35:12,792
You're just having a bad dream.

1115
01:35:13,709 --> 01:35:16,504
Yeah, I guess so.

1116
01:35:17,755 --> 01:35:21,175
Come on now. Everything's fine.

1117
01:35:21,467 --> 01:35:26,764
It's just my imagination.
Some people have flat feet.

1118
01:35:27,014 --> 01:35:31,894
- I have this appalling imagination.
- I think it's just elegant.

1119
01:35:32,144 --> 01:35:37,191
I just have no imagination at all.
I have lots of other things.

1120
01:35:37,566 --> 01:35:41,320
I was standing in the kitchen.
Then it occurred to me.

1121
01:35:41,570 --> 01:35:46,617
If my wife walked in with you in the
shower, she'd probably shoot me.

1122
01:35:46,867 --> 01:35:49,620
Of course. If I was married...

1123
01:35:49,870 --> 01:35:55,292
and came in on my husband making
toast for a blond, I'd shoot him.

1124
01:35:55,709 --> 01:35:58,421
- You would?
- Bang, bang, bang!

1125
01:35:58,671 --> 01:36:00,506
Right in the head.

1126
01:36:01,507 --> 01:36:03,551
Come on now, relax.

1127
01:36:03,801 --> 01:36:07,763
- You're just making this all up.
- That's right.

1128
01:36:08,013 --> 01:36:12,309
I don't suppose if she had come in
she'd shoot me.

1129
01:36:12,518 --> 01:36:16,188
She'd be mad, maybe throw an ashtray.

1130
01:36:16,439 --> 01:36:19,817
- Just that?
- She probably wouldn't even do that.

1131
01:36:20,067 --> 01:36:22,445
If she found you in the shower...

1132
01:36:22,695 --> 01:36:25,698
she'd probably think
you were the plumber.

1133
01:36:26,699 --> 01:36:30,953
- A blond plumber?
- Absolutely. She trusts me implicitly.

1134
01:36:31,203 --> 01:36:34,498
- Doesn't she love you?
- Oh, she loves me.

1135
01:36:34,748 --> 01:36:36,250
She worries about me.

1136
01:36:36,500 --> 01:36:40,588
I had a cough,
and she made me stop smoking.

1137
01:36:40,796 --> 01:36:43,716
- She loves me, all right.
- Isn't she jealous?

1138
01:36:43,924 --> 01:36:50,222
Not really. How can anybody be jealous
of somebody with a briefcase...

1139
01:36:50,431 --> 01:36:55,269
who's getting a little pot
and can't keep his eyes open past 9?

1140
01:36:55,478 --> 01:36:58,856
She trusts me.
It'd never occur to her that I...

1141
01:36:59,106 --> 01:37:03,152
Last Christmas, I came home
with lipstick on my collar.

1142
01:37:03,402 --> 01:37:07,990
Helen said, "What's that
on your collar, cranberry sauce?"

1143
01:37:09,408 --> 01:37:14,163
- That's bad.
- You know who kissed me? Mrs. Brady.

1144
01:37:14,413 --> 01:37:18,626
Face it, no pretty girl wants me,
she wants Gregory Peck.

1145
01:37:18,918 --> 01:37:22,713
Is that so? How do you know
what a pretty girl wants?

1146
01:37:22,963 --> 01:37:25,090
I don't know, but I imagine...

1147
01:37:25,341 --> 01:37:29,178
Your imagination!
You think every girl's a dope.

1148
01:37:29,428 --> 01:37:33,641
You think a girl goes to a party
and there's some guy...

1149
01:37:33,849 --> 01:37:37,561
in a fancy striped vest
strutting around...

1150
01:37:37,811 --> 01:37:42,441
giving you that I'm-so-handsome-
you-can't-resist-me look.

1151
01:37:42,691 --> 01:37:46,111
From this she's supposed
to fall flat on her face.

1152
01:37:46,362 --> 01:37:49,240
Well, she doesn't fall on her face.

1153
01:37:50,449 --> 01:37:54,703
But there's another guy in the room,
over in the corner.

1154
01:37:54,954 --> 01:37:58,666
Maybe he's nervous and shy
and perspiring a little.

1155
01:37:58,916 --> 01:38:00,960
First, you look past him.

1156
01:38:01,168 --> 01:38:05,965
But then you sense that
he's gentle and kind and worried.

1157
01:38:06,215 --> 01:38:11,053
That he'll be tender with you,
nice and sweet.

1158
01:38:11,387 --> 01:38:14,306
That's what's really exciting.

1159
01:38:17,601 --> 01:38:21,814
If I were your wife,
I'd be very jealous of you

1160
01:38:22,398 --> 01:38:25,568
I'd be very, very jealous

1161
01:38:31,532 --> 01:38:34,118
I think you're just elegant.

1162
01:38:36,287 --> 01:38:37,830
Thank you.

1163
01:38:39,290 --> 01:38:41,000
Aren't you going to answer it?

1164
01:38:41,250 --> 01:38:44,086
- Answer what?
- The doorbell.

1165
01:38:45,170 --> 01:38:48,465
Go ahead, I'll put the cinnamon
on the toast.

1166
01:39:01,854 --> 01:39:04,398
Tom MacKenzie!

1167
01:39:04,648 --> 01:39:07,776
- Morning, Dickie-boy.
- What are you doing here?

1168
01:39:08,027 --> 01:39:11,989
- Don't call me "Dickie-boy."
- Got a date with my agent.

1169
01:39:12,239 --> 01:39:14,491
- Is that coffee I smell?
- No.

1170
01:39:14,742 --> 01:39:19,788
I'm glad I caught you. We've got
important family business to discuss.

1171
01:39:20,039 --> 01:39:23,834
- Are you sure that's not coffee?
- Positive. My family?

1172
01:39:24,084 --> 01:39:28,631
I was driving down and Helen
asked me to stop by and ask you...

1173
01:39:28,881 --> 01:39:32,009
She did? I'm glad she did...

1174
01:39:32,301 --> 01:39:34,553
because I wanna talk to you.

1175
01:39:34,803 --> 01:39:37,765
What's the matter, Dickie-boy?

1176
01:39:37,973 --> 01:39:42,561
You think you're pretty fancy
with the blinkers on the horses.

1177
01:39:42,811 --> 01:39:45,230
What blinkers? What horses?

1178
01:39:45,481 --> 01:39:48,817
And no driver and no other people.

1179
01:39:49,109 --> 01:39:52,404
- You drunk or something?
- No, I'm not drunk.

1180
01:39:52,613 --> 01:39:57,159
- You took Helen on a hayride.
- No, in fact, I didn't.

1181
01:39:57,409 --> 01:40:01,288
She went with the other people.
And it was like a bus.

1182
01:40:01,538 --> 01:40:05,167
- That's your story.
- I have terrible hay fever.

1183
01:40:05,417 --> 01:40:08,087
I've had it ever since the Army.

1184
01:40:08,295 --> 01:40:13,092
This doctor took a wad of cotton.
He went in and down...

1185
01:40:13,342 --> 01:40:17,888
In and down. "Inwardly,
downwardly pulsating!"

1186
01:40:18,138 --> 01:40:23,435
"Now together, ending and unending!
Now, now!" I know all about it.

1187
01:40:23,727 --> 01:40:25,354
- You're drunk.
- Get out!

1188
01:40:25,604 --> 01:40:28,899
- If Helen sent you to get a divorce...
- Divorce?

1189
01:40:29,149 --> 01:40:31,485
I absolutely refuse!

1190
01:40:31,777 --> 01:40:35,989
- She sent me for the paddle.
- I'll fight it in every court!

1191
01:40:36,240 --> 01:40:40,285
I can explain the stairs,
the blond in the kitchen.

1192
01:40:40,536 --> 01:40:45,708
- Wait, what blond in the kitchen?
- Wouldn't you like to know?

1193
01:40:45,916 --> 01:40:48,168
Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!

1194
01:40:48,794 --> 01:40:52,381
Blind, stinking drunk
at 8:30 in the morning!

1195
01:40:52,631 --> 01:40:57,177
I'll get six lawyers,
I'll bribe judges, but no divorce!

1196
01:40:57,386 --> 01:41:01,056
Listen to me.
Helen does not want a divorce!

1197
01:41:01,306 --> 01:41:05,060
All she wants is Ricky's paddle!

1198
01:41:06,395 --> 01:41:10,274
- Ricky's paddle?
- The other kids are out on the lake.

1199
01:41:10,566 --> 01:41:15,487
But Ricky has to stay on the dock.
You wouldn't send his paddle!

1200
01:41:15,779 --> 01:41:20,284
If anybody is gonna take
Ricky's paddle back...

1201
01:41:20,534 --> 01:41:22,327
I'm gonna take it back.

1202
01:41:22,578 --> 01:41:25,581
And I've got a good mind
to punch you.

1203
01:41:25,831 --> 01:41:29,001
- Why?
- Because you're a love you.

1204
01:41:29,293 --> 01:41:33,797
Strutting around in your vest
with that I'm-so-handsome look.

1205
01:41:34,047 --> 01:41:38,552
- Let me tell you, Helen loves me.
- Sure, she loves you!

1206
01:41:38,802 --> 01:41:43,307
She loves me because I'm sweet
and gentle and worried...

1207
01:41:43,557 --> 01:41:46,727
and nervous and shy and tender!

1208
01:41:55,778 --> 01:41:57,446
Breakfast is ready.

1209
01:41:59,907 --> 01:42:03,118
- Anybody you know?
- Meet Tom MacKenzie.

1210
01:42:03,368 --> 01:42:06,705
- How do you do?
- He came for Ricky's paddle.

1211
01:42:06,955 --> 01:42:11,502
- I'm taking it to him.
- Is this a good time to pick up the...?

1212
01:42:11,794 --> 01:42:15,255
- I wish I was dead.
- Wait a minute, Kruhulik.

1213
01:42:15,464 --> 01:42:19,051
If you wanna pick up something,
pick up this.

1214
01:42:19,343 --> 01:42:22,137
What do you want me to do with him?

1215
01:42:22,387 --> 01:42:27,267
I don't care. Put him in mothballs.
Just get him out of here.

1216
01:42:27,518 --> 01:42:30,896
Boy, I'm telling you,
lug the fat poodle...

1217
01:42:31,146 --> 01:42:34,316
lug the tomato plant, now lug this.

1218
01:42:34,566 --> 01:42:39,154
I'll be glad when the wives get home
and things settle down.

1219
01:42:40,364 --> 01:42:43,951
The 8:47, I can still make the 8:47.

1220
01:42:44,201 --> 01:42:46,662
I can't stay for breakfast, I'm sorry.

1221
01:42:46,912 --> 01:42:48,872
Don't ever be sorry.

1222
01:42:49,122 --> 01:42:51,875
Do me a favor. Call Brady & Company.

1223
01:42:52,125 --> 01:42:57,756
Tell Mr. Brady I'm taking two weeks
off, whether he likes it or not.

1224
01:42:59,174 --> 01:43:02,719
Why don't you stay here?
You've got your own duplex.

1225
01:43:02,970 --> 01:43:06,139
Big, tall martinis, air conditioning.

1226
01:43:06,390 --> 01:43:10,644
- Thank you.
- Well, I guess that's all.

1227
01:43:11,270 --> 01:43:13,313
- Just one more thing.
- What?

1228
01:43:13,522 --> 01:43:16,358
I have a message for your wife.

1229
01:43:24,575 --> 01:43:26,368
Don't wipe it off.

1230
01:43:26,577 --> 01:43:28,787
If she thinks it's cranberries...

1231
01:43:28,996 --> 01:43:32,583
tell her she's got cherry pits
in her head.

1232
01:43:34,585 --> 01:43:35,836
Wait!

1233
01:43:42,718 --> 01:43:44,177
Hey!