- [ Bell Rings ] - [ Man ] All right, fellas, here they come. Let's get with it.
Come on, we haven't got all night. Let's get going.
You loaded? Move it out of here. Move!
Come on, move it out. You — pull in here.
[ Man ] Read about the trouble, folks. Get these papers while they're hot.
- Latest paper here. - Come on, come on.
Keep your sweatshirt on, Sidney. Hold it — latest paper here.
- You want a hot item on Hunsecker's column? - No.
- Two rolls got fresh with the baker. [ Laughs ] - Here.
Hey, the late paper just came in. Who wants the late paper?
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
- [ Chatter, Indistinct ] - [ Woman Laughs ]
[ Man ] ...burn a hole in the rug.
Uh-huh. Just a minute, Mr. Weldon. I think —
Uh-uh.
I'm sorry. I thought I heard Mr. Falco.
Yes, I'll tell him when he returns.
I know he's been trying to get in touch wi—
It's the third time he's called today.
- Probably wants me to break a leg. - No, an arm, he said.
I told him you were sure the item would be in Mr. Hunsecker's column...
- in tomorrow's paper. - It isn't.
But —
And I saw the early edition.
- But, Sidney — - "But." But — but — but what?
That makes five days in a row Mr. Hunsecker's cut you out of his column.
May I rent you out as an adding machine? Get me Joe Robard.
Anybody else call?
Uh, the renting agent and your tailor.
Pay the rent, and tell the tailor to wait.
It won't leave much balance in the bank.
Hello, Mr. Robard?
Could you locate him, please?
Here. Gimme.
Watch me run a 50-yard dash with my legs cut off.
Hey, Joe. Joe, it's Sidney.
[ Chuckling ] How do you like this? I'm running outta alibis.
Oh, no. No, no. I asked J.J. to withhold the item until he could give you a fine, fat paragraph.
- You're a liar, Sidney. - What do you mean, a liar?
Oh, it's a publicity man's nature to be a liar.
I wouldn't hire you if you wasn't a liar.
I pay you a C and a half while you, you plant big lies...
about me and the club all over the map.
- Oh, if that's the way you mean it — - Yeah, I mean in that sense, but also...
in the sense that you are a personal liar too...
because you don't do the work I pay ya for.
Wait a minute, Joe. When I spoke to J.J. last night, he said —
[ Line Clicks ]
I wish I could help in some way, Sidney.
You could help with two minutes of silence.
I hate to see you like this. Sidney, if you feel nervous —
So what'll you do if I feel nervous?
Open your meaty, sympathetic arms and —
Oh, Sidney, you got me so I don't know what to do.
Ah, Sally, you oughta know me by now.
- I know you. - Nah. No, you don't.
You think I'm a hero.
Well, I'm no hero.
I'm nice to people where it pays me to be nice.
Look, I do it enough on the outside, so don't expect me to do it in my own office.
I'm in a bind right now with Hunsecker.
Sidney, maybe I'm dumb, but...
why does Mr. Hunsecker want to squeeze your livelihood away?
What do you stand for that kind of treatment for?
He's punishing me. His kid sister's having a romance with some guitar player.
He asked me to break it up. I thought I did, but maybe I didn't.
Now I gotta go find out.
And Hunsecker's the golden ladder to the places I wanna get.
Sidney, you make a living. Where do you want to get?
Way up high, Sam, where it's always balmy.
Where no one snaps his fingers and says, "Hey, shrimp, rack the balls"...
or "Hey, mouse, go out and buy me a pack of butts."
I don't want tips from the kitty. I'm in the big game with the big players.
My experience I can give you in a nutshell...
and I didn't dream it in a dream either:
Dog eat dog. In brief, from now on...
the best of everything is good enough for me.
Sidney, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. It —
- It's just that it makes me feel bad when Mr. Hunsecker hurts you. - [ Phone Rings ]
Every dog will have his day. If that's for me, tear it up.
Sidney Falco office. Take your topcoat.
And leave a tip in every hatcheck room in town?
One, two, three, four, yeah.
[ Jazz, Up-tempo ]
Don't you get messages, Eyelashes? I called you twice.
Hey, man, I've been up to here.
Look, you know Susie Hunsecker, J.J.'s sister?
Has she been in? I mean lately. In the last couple of days.
- I don't think so. - Are you sure? Find out for me.
Sidney? Sidney, can I talk to you a minute?
- Have you seen Frank D'Angelo around? - At the bar. Sidney...
I'm in trou—
[ Continues ]
Joe, give my nephew a drink.
Your nephew doesn't want a drink.
That's a lollipop, that boy. The kid's only great.
With 10 percent of his future, you're great too, Frank.
Frank, I think maybe you lied to me.
Look, Sidney...
you're my own sister's son...
but where does that give you the right to call me a liar?
I thought you said that your boy was washed up with Susie Hunsecker.
Yeah, and it's the truth, to the best of my knowledge...
and frankly, I'm glad — for Steve's sake, not yours.
I handle these boys with their best interests at heart.
Steve shouldn't get mixed up with no bimbo at his age.
Listen, Frank, you better be telling me the truth.
I don't like this threatening attitude.
I told you what I know. Now go make yourself a holiday.
Come to think of it, what business is it of yours what they do, this boy and girl?
[ Whispering ]
If you knew Hunsecker as well as I did...
you might understand why it is my business.
You're walking around blind, Frank, without a cane.
And in case you didn't know it...
Susie Hunsecker's out in the back right now.
[ Ends ]
[ Applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much on behalf of the quintet: Chico Hamilton, Fred Katz...
Paul Horn, Carson Smith, and myself.
- Hiya, Susie. - Hi, Chico.
Hey, Paul, cool this chick here while I go get Steve, will ya?
This is such an interesting fusion of the traditional form with the new progressive style.
I just wanted to ask how you came to form the group.
Well, we just sort of got together.
Why don't you ask Fred Katz? He writes all the stuff.
- [ Fred ] Huh? - Mr. Katz...
I'm very interested in music, in jazz.
[ Door Closes ]
What's the answer?
Steve...
I'll try to make you a good wife.
- [ All Chattering ] - Where's the cat?
- [ Fred ] Who? - Dallas. Is he around?
He's around somewhere. Upstairs... maybe.
Thank you.
Look, let's go out later. Come on, I'll get the boys.
Steve, I'd rather you didn't say anything to anybody until I tell my brother.
Oh... you haven't told him yet.
I'm telling him in the morning at breakfast.
Susie, don't you want me to be with you when you tell him?
No.
Steve, my brother isn't as bad as he's painted. He's not perfect —
But he isn't gonna like this, and he makes you nervous, not me.
No, I take that back. He makes me nervous too.
Oh, Steve, let's don't talk about my brother.
I missed you the last few days.
I have a message for you.
I love you.
May I dedicate the next number to you, and the next, and the next?
- And every Sunday I'll buy you a new bonnet. - If the stores are open.
And on Monday I'll take it off and stroke your light brown hair.
And on Tuesday, Hasenpfeffer?
[ Steve ] When do you think I realized I loved you?
[ Susie ] When I helped you write a beautiful song?
[ Steve ] You had me eating that Chinese food.
[ Both Laugh ]
Hi.
Can more than two enjoy this?
Where are those glossy prints you promised me? I can't place 'em later than tonight.
Thanks very much just the same. Let's forget about it, huh?
Come on, Susie. It's cold out here.
Let me apologize for getting you a press spread.
It's been an honor serving you gratis!
- You know, Falco, I get the feeling you're always snooping around. - You know —
Boys, what are ya fightin' about?
Kill me! Push me through a window somewhere!
I walked into this hallowed ground without knocking.
You know, I feel too good to fight with you, but that isn't what I said. I said you snoop.
Example A: What were you doing around my hotel the other night?
- I beg your pardon. I haven't been in the Bowery in years. - Come on, boys, break it up.
Look, the next time you want any information, don't scratch for it like a dog.
- Just ask for it like a man. - [ People Applauding Inside ]
If you're goin' home, Susie, I'll drop ya off.
Steve, it's time for us to hit again.
- In a minute, Chico. - Okay.
- Headache? - It's all the excitement.
I'll go home and go to bed early, and you go to work.
Okay. Just don't leave me in a minor key?
Don't tell me you've been playing around with Leo Bartha.
No, that's what I mean. I'm bein' fired for what I didn't do.
He came in last week on a real dull, rainy night.
I knew who he was, but I didn't let on.
He kept starin' at me all night. Are you listenin'?
- Avidly, avidly. Um... he was staring. - Starin'.
Consequently, when he approached me on his way out, I wasn't surprised.
He was doing a special Sunday piece on —
Cigarette girls. And naturally —
You were thrilled about being interviewed.
And, uh, were you... "interviewed"?
In his apartment.
- Where was his wife? - I don't know. It's a big apartment.
- [ Sidney Laughs ] - Only I wasn't interviewed.
In fact, I was totally unprepared for what happened.
Oh, come on, chickie. We're friends from way back.
A big columnist comes into this club without his ball and chain...
and you make like a delicatessen counter.
What did you expect he was gonna do in his apartment?
But Sidney, sweetheart, the man musta been out of his mind.
It was only 11:00 in the morning.
I was so taken aback, I said anything that popped into my sleepy head.
If I'm not mistaken, I think I even ordered the man out of his own house.
He was furious. And by the time I coulda been put in a tropical-island mood...
I was out on the street.
That night Van Cleve calls me into his office.
He's got nothing against me, he says...
only he can't afford to antagonize columnists.
So I tell him how I still have Sonny at the military academy.
Sidney, do you think you could do something?
Uh, that's what I'm thinking, Rita. Maybe.
Sidney, do you still keep your key under the mat?
[ People Applauding ]
Can you be there at 2:30?
[ Jazz, Mellow ]
You're touchy, Sidney. Don't be so touchy.
Do a guy a favor. Well, live and learn.
- You want a bite? You want something to eat? - No, no.
[ Sidney ] 1619 Broadway.
I wish you and Steve could like each other.
[ Sidney Chuckles ] We, uh — We stick in each other's craw.
Yes, but why?
For one thing, he thinks J.J. is some kind of a monster.
Don't you?
Susie, J.J. happens to be one of my very best friends.
I know, but someday I'd like to look into your clever little mind...
and see what you really think of him.
Where do you come off makin' a remark like that?
Who could love a man who makes you jump through burning hoops like a trained poodle?
Do you think J.J. really likes Steve?
Frankly, yes, much to my surprise.
He thinks he's a big talent, and those boys'll go a big mile, he thinks.
- You feel pretty strong about Dallas, don't you? - Yes.
- Wedding bells? - I'm discussing it with J.J. in the morning.
Makes me feel good to know that some people want me for myself...
not just because I'm my brother's sister.
Come on, I'm just gonna have to laugh at that —
an attractive girl like you.
I hope J.J. likes Steve, that he isn't just putting on an act.
Why should he put on an act for him?
Chickie, he's told presidents where to go and what to do.
The act would be for my sake, not for Steve's.
Wait for me. I'll be back in a minute.
Susie.
Look, I want to talk to you a minute.
Susie, don't sell your brother short.
Talk this over with him. You'll find him a real friend.
- In case I see J.J., any message? - Tell him from me...
that Steve is the first real man I've ever been in love with.
"21."
Excuse me. Hey, wait — Hey, Jimmy!
What a coincidence! I was just on my way —
Yeah, a coincidence running into the very man you've been ducking all week.
- This is my press agent, Joan. - I tried to call ya twice, but your line —
What do you do for that hundred a week? Fall out of bed?
Jimmy, I was just on my way —
Joan, call a cop. We'll have this kid arrested for larceny.
- Listen, when the band was at Roseland — - That was two months ago.
- Take your hands out of my pocket, thief. - Jimmy, now take it easy.
Why? It's a dirty job, but I pay clean money for it, don't I?
No more, you don't. What is this? Showing off for the girl? They supposed to hear you in Korea?
Ah, he's clever. He knows when he's being fired.
If you're funny, James, I'm a pretzel. Drop dead!
[ Chattering, Indistinct ]
- How are you tonight, Mr. Falco? - I'm fine. Is he here?
- But of course. - Alone or surrounded?
There's a senator, an agent, and a thing with blond, wavy hair.
- Thanks. - [ Man ] Good evening.
- Honey, get me Mr. Hunsecker. - Yes, sir.
- Oh, he's right inside, Mr. Falco. - So it isn't long distance.
- [ Man on Phone ] Hello? - J.J., it's Sidney.
Uh, c-could you come out for a minute?
Could I come out? No.
I have to talk to you, J.J., that's why.
You had to do something for me. You didn't do it.
Could I come in for a minute?
- No. You're dead, son. Get yourself buried. - [ Line Clicks ]
Just a moment. I'm ringing.
He doesn't answer. Shall I take a message? Yes, I have it. Thank you.
- Oh, uh, Sidney — - Later, Sam.
Harvey, I often wish I were deaf and wore a hearing aid.
With a simple flick of the switch, I could shut out the greedy murmur of little men.
- J.J., I need your ear for two minutes. - Mac.
- [ Man ] Yes? - I don't want this man at my table.
I've got a message from your sister.
Forgive me, Harvey. We were interrupted.
The Supreme Court story I was telling you — Justice Black.
Oh, yes, Justice Black. But I believe I had it in my column.
[ Sidney ] Last July, the lead item.
I believe that's precisely where I read it too.
You see, J.J., where I get my reputation...
for being the best-informed man in Washington.
- Now, don't kid a kidder. - [ Chuckles ]
Oh, I don't think we caught your name, young man.
Sidney Falco, sir. But everybody knows and admires you, Senator Walker.
[ Chuckles ] Every six years I become less convinced of that.
Oh, this young lady is Miss Linda James.
She's managed by Manny Davis.
I know Manny Davis.
- Everyone knows Manny Davis... - [ Phone Buzzes ]
except Mrs. Manny Davis.
Go ahead, Billy. Shoot. Uh-huh.
Sports cars are getting smaller and smaller in California.
The other day, you were crossing Hollywood Boulevard and you got hit by one...
and you had to go to the hospital to get it removed.
[ Manny Laughs ]
Billy, you're not following the column. I had it last week.
Senator, do you believe in capital punishment?
- Why? - A man has just been sentenced to death.
Manny, tell me: What exactly are the unseen gifts...
of this lovely young thing that you manage?
Well, she sings a little. You know, she sings —
Manny's faith in me is simply awe-inspiring, Mr. Hunsecker.
- Actually, I'm still studying. - What subject?
Singing, of course. Straight concert and —
Why "of course"? You might, for instance, be studying politics.
- Uh, me? - Well, you see, J.J., she —
I mean, I — You must be kidding, Mr. Hunsecker.
Me, with my Jersey City brains?
The brains may be Jersey City...
but the clothes are Traina-Norell.
Are you an actor, Mr. Falco?
That's what I was thinking. Are you, Mr. Falco?
Well, how did you guess it, Miss James?
He's so... pretty, that's how.
Mr. Falco — let it be said at once — Is a man of 40 faces, not one.
None too pretty, and all deceptive.
You see that grin? That's the, uh —
That's the charming street-urchin face.
It's part of his helpless act. He throws himself upon your mercy.
He's got a half dozen faces for the ladies.
But the one I like — the really cute one —
is the quick, dependable chap.
Nothing he won't do for you in a pinch...
so he says.
Mr. Falco, whom I did not invite to sit at this table tonight...
is a hungry press agent and fully up to all the tricks...
of his very slimy trade.
Match me, Sidney.
Not right this minute, J.J.
I know. That wonder boy of yours opens at the Latin Quarter next week.
- J.J., I — - Say good-bye, Lester.
May I ask you a naive question, Mr. Falco?
Exactly how does a press agent work?
- Uh — - Well, answer the man, Sidney.
He's trying to take you off the hook.
You just saw a good example of it, Senator.
A press agent eats a columnist's dirt and is expected to call it manna.
But don't you help columnists by furnishing them with items?
Sure. A columnist can't do without us...
except our good and great friend J.J. forgets to mention that.
- You see, we furnish him with items. - What? Cheap, gruesome gags?
- You print 'em, don't you? - Yes, with your clients' names attached.
That's the only reason the poor slobs pay you —
to see their names in my column all over the world.
- Now you're doing me a favor? - I didn't say that.
The day I can't get along without a press agent's handouts...
I'll close up shop and move to Alaska lock, stock, and barrel.
[ Laughs ] Sweep out my igloo. Here I come.
Manny, you rode in here on the senator's shirttails, so shut your mouth!
Now, come, J.J. That's a little too harsh.
Anyone seems fair game for you tonight.
This man is not for you, Harvey...
and you shouldn't be seen in public with him.
Because that's another part of a press agent's life:
They dig up scandal about prominent people...
and shovel it thin among columnists who give them space.
There seems to be some allusion here that escapes me.
We're friends, Harvey.
We go as far back as when you were a fresh kid congressman, don't we?
Why is it that everything you say sounds like a threat?
Maybe it's a mannerism, because I don't threaten friends.
But why furnish your enemies with ammunition?
You're a family man, Harvey, and someday, God willing, you may want to be president.
And here you are, out in the open...
where any hep person knows that this one...
is toting that one around for you.
Are we kids, or what?
Next time you come up, you might join me on my T.V. show.
Thanks, J.J., for what I consider sound advice.
Go thou and sin no more.
- Senator. - Good night, Mr. Falco.
- Mac, don't let the senator pay that check. - I'll take care of it, Mr. Hunsecker.
President!
- [ Man ] Hello, J.J. - Bill.
My big toe would make a better president.
- [ Man ] Mr. Hunsecker's coat, Joe. - Pick me a good one, Joe.
Thanks, Al.
- Anyone calls, Dan, I'll be at El Morocco. - Very good, Mr. Hunsecker.
Where's your coat, Sidney? Saving tips?
My curiosity's killing me, but what are you so rambunctious about tonight?
There's your fat friend.
[ Man on Police Radio ] Police cars, 16th Precinct, attention.
Signal 30 — Signal 3-0 — at bar and grill, 48th and Broadway.
Police cars, 16th Precinct, attention. Signal 30.
- Signal 30 at bar and grill — - [ Horn Honks ]
- Hello, Harry. - Buona sera, commendatore. Come sta?
Italian, Sidney. That shows Lieutenant Kello likes your people.
It's my Brooklyn background, J.J. Good with Yiddish too.
Harry! Am I supposed to say "uncle"?
- Hello, Phil. How's the kids? - Just great, Mr. Hunsecker.
- [ Police Radio Continues ] - Anything fit for me to print tonight?
Nah, I just checked downtown. It's quiet everywhere.
What happened to that doll? The item you gave me last night — she still alive?
Yeah, in Bellevue. She's hanging on, but we still don't know if she was pushed.
- Maybe she jumped. Love suicide. - Could be.
- Check that, will you, Phil? It's a real heartthrob. - [ Phil ] Car 437 to Central —
Harry, say hello to Sidney Falco.
Tickle him a little. He's been a bad boy tonight.
He called you my "fat friend."
I don't believe it.
I know, I know. The strongest cop in town.
[ Harry Laughs ]
I call him "the boy with the ice-cream face."
That's good. It's nice. In fact it's apt, Harry.
Yeah, I got eyes. I put things together.
I remember once when you didn't quite put things together.
Boy, was the mayor mad.
- [ Police Radio ] Car 437— - "Citizens' committee."
I didn't mean to hit the boy so hard.
That's when a fellow really needed a friend, and I won't forget his initials, J.J.
[ Phil ] Mr. Hunsecker?
- She died 20 minutes ago. - That's show business. Thanks, Phil.
See ya, Harry.
- See ya, Kello. - [ Horn Honks ]
Hasta la vista, J.J. Hasta luego.
Spanish. That shows he likes the spicks too, huh?
I like Harry, but I can't deny he sweats a little.
[ Man ] Don't try to come back, or I'll throw you out again.
[ Man #2 ] Just a minute. My hat's in there, and I paid —
[ Woman ] Leave him alone! Leave him alone!
[ Quarrelling, Indistinct ]
I love this dirty town.
Sidney, conjugate me a verb.
For instance, "to promise."
You promised to break up that romance. When?
You want something done, J.J., but I doubt if you yourself know what's involved.
- I'm a schoolboy. Teach me. - Why don't you break it up yourself?
You know you could do it in a couple minutes flat.
At this late date you need explanations?
Susie's all I've got. Now she's growing up...
I want my relationship with her to remain at least at par.
I don't intend to do anything to antagonize her if I don't have to.
Be warned, son. I'll have to blitz you.
Frankly, J.J., I don't think you got the cards to blitz me.
- I don't? - Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think so.
I'll listen for one more minute.
About a year ago, I did you a certain favor.
It was a thing — Well, I never did such a dirty thing in my life.
All right, it's forgotten. Forget it. Which brings us up to five weeks ago.
"Sidney, I got a nasty little problem here.
Do so-and-so and I'll appreciate it." Did I say no? Was I fussy?
I'm the first to admit it didn't gel as fast as we'd like...
but why all of a sudden can't I get you on the phone?
And why am I frozen out of the column?
- You finished? - No. Let me finish, J.J.
I don't like this job. That boy is dumb on matinee days only. Otherwise, he's got a head.
And Susan, like you said, is growing up. Two heads.
- What I mean, we got a slippery, dangerous problem here. - Not we, Sidney. You.
Correct me if I'm wrong, J.J. — we!
Because if I'm gonna go out on a limb for you, you gotta know what's involved.
My right hand hasn't seen my left hand in 30 years.
I'll do it, J.J. Don't get me wrong.
In for a penny, in for a pound. I'll go through with it.
But stop beating me on the head. Let me make a living.
Sidney, what you promised, do it. Don't finagle around.
It's later than you think.
Excuse me, J.J. It's later than you think. That boy proposed to her.
Susie told you that?
- Uh-huh. - What was her answer?
She'll discuss it with you at breakfast.
That means you've got a plan.
- Can you deliver? - Tonight.
Before you go to bed.
Cat's in the bag, and the bag's in the river.
Don't be a two-time loser, Sidney. The penalty could be severe.
- [ Chatter, Indistinct ] - [ Man ] Good evening, Mr. Falco.
[ Man ] Well, I get the right point. That's the way I like to hear it.
- Hi, Harry. Seen Arthur? - Yeah, he's around here someplace.
- Hiya, Sid. You want a table? - No. Just hoppin'. Leo Bartha been in?
Yeah, he's havin' supper with the missus. She's over there, and he's, uh —
- Oh, I see him. Thanks. - You bet.
Hello, Leo. How goes the Sunday piece on cigarette girls?
Who told you about it?
The cigarette girl, Rita. And she took out all her hairpins too.
I never had the pleasure of meeting your wife. You know what I wonder, Leo?
I wonder maybe you can use a hot little item for tomorrow's column.
What is this, blackmail?
Beat it.
Leo, I've never had the pleasure of meeting your wife.
Sidney Falco, Loretta.
- How do you do, Mr. Falco? - How do you do?
If you know anything about the horses, sit down.
Help yourself to a glass of this New York State champagne.
That's what my husband buys me.
These imported wines aren't what they're cracked up to be.
Whose side are you on, Mr. Falco, his or mine?
Frankly, I'm a neutral observer for the United Nations.
- [ Chuckles ] What's your first name? - Sidney.
No horse running tomorrow by that name.
Why don't you stop this business with the two-dollar bets?
It's compensation, Leo, for the marginal life we lead.
Sidney, did you hear the story about the cloak-and-suiter who —
That's right. You tell him, and I read it in Hunsecker's column first.
Oh, are you a spy for the other side?
No. I actually sat down to give Leo an item.
Leo, he wants to give you an item.
- Don't be sullen. - Would you mind your own business?
Hitler.
In case you want to use it, it's, uh, blind. No names mentioned.
For your private information, the guy's name is Dallas.
[ Sighs ] There's not a single name here that gives off vibrations.
Is there anything with a name like Cigarette Girl?
Uh, Cigarette Girl... no.
There's no name here like that.
- I don't print blind items. - What is this, chess or checkers?
Neither does Hunsecker.
He likes to use the real names.
- Waiter, the check. - Why are we running? What am I missing here?
This man is trying to hold a gun to my head.
Shotgun! That's the horse. Shotgun in the fifth.
- Wha— - You wanna tell my wife something. What? What, Sidney?
He wants to tell you you spilled champagne all over.
- Go on, tell her. - What are you getting excited about? Are you nuts? Calm down.
Sorry, Lorrie. I can't let this man blackmail me.
Blackmail?
Wants me to print a dirty little smear item...
- in exchange for keeping his mouth shut. - About what?
Foolishly, Lorrie, I —
I hope you'll understand that — This cigarette girl —
I-I was kidding around. With the girl, I mean.
I was kidding. She took it seriously.
A case of bad judgment.
Bad taste.
I'm just sorry, that's all.
And your friend Hunsecker —
You tell him for me he's a disgrace to his profession.
Never mind about my — my bilious private life.
I run a decent, responsible column. That's the way it stays.
Your man prints anything!
He'll use any spice to pepper up his daily garbage!
You tell him I said so!
Tell him that, like yourself, he's got the scruples of a guinea pig...
and the morals of a gangster.
What do I do now? Whistle "Stars and Stripes Forever"?
What you do now, Mr. Falco, is crow like a hen.
You have just laid an egg.
Leo, this is the first clean thing I've seen you do in years.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Mr. Elwell wants to see you, Mr. Falco.
I see Bartha gave you cold tongue for supper.
- I got a late date with a dame — - Wait a minute.
Look, Otis, if you're trying to blow this brawl into an item for your column, forget it!
By the way, what's this I hear about J.J. giving you the flit-gun treatment?
He's shut you out of his column.
Why?
You don't know that lunatic yet?
Whims, whims. Egotistic whims.
He's like the gag: You got him for a friend, you don't need an enemy.
That's what my beef with Leo Bartha was about.
"Leo," I says, "J.J. froze me out, so I'm eating humble pie this month.
Please, please print me an item."
And instead he printed his heel in your face, hmm?
- You're full of human feelings. - Turn the record over, Sidney.
Like most of the human race, I'm bored. I'd go a mile for a chuckle.
- Or two miles for a pretty girl. - Three.
Then you're really washed up with Hunsecker, huh?
This is how much I'm washed up with Hunsecker.
Look, Otis, I make no brief about my bilious private life...
but he's got the morals of a guinea pig and the scruples of a gangster.
A fine, fat, dirty item.
Who's it about?
Um, a kid named Dallas.
He runs a dinky jazz quintet...
but he happens to be keeping company with J.J.'s screwball sister.
It's a real goody if, like me, you wanna clobber J.J.
He's got his T.V. tomorrow. He'd read it before rehearsals.
I want to clobber J.J.
Trouble is, I can't think of a good reason why I should print anything you give me.
I can't even think of a bad reason.
Suppose I introduce you to a, a lovely reason...
that's both good and bad...
and available.
I'm not an unreasonable man.
[ Radio: Mellow Big-band ]
[ Buzzer Sounds ]
[ Rita ] Hi.
Rita, say hello to Otis Elwell.
[ Rita ] Hello.
My friends call me Otis.
Sometimes "Tricky Otis."
Otis was real outraged when I told him Van Cleve was going to fire you.
- [ Rita ] He — He was? - [ Sidney ] Uh-huh.
- Don't I know you from somewhere? - [ Sidney ] Otis.
Saratoga.
- Last summer? - Relax, relax.
Come on, take the weight off those lovely gams, huh?
Look, I fixed you a drink.
Sure. Relax, Rita.
When you look at me, you look at a friend in disguise.
Miami Beach?
Haven't been to Florida since I was a little girl.
[ Otis Laughs ]
Well, here's to the time when we played with dolls...
and, uh, dreamed of better things.
Here, Otis.
A cozy place you've got here, Sidney.
- Make yourself at home. - Nice, nice.
And snug.
Otis carries a lot of weight with your boss, honey.
He's gonna tell him not to pay any attention to anything...
you-know-who says about you-know-what.
- Right, Otis? - Right.
[ Man on Radio ] And now this is Don Holloway —
Why don't you two talk it over until, uh, until I get back?
...music for your all-night listening pleasure.
- Back? - Yes, you know these business meetings...
always coming up in the middle of the night.
- [ Sultry Jazz ] - Hold on.
You can drop me off on your way!
- Consternation reigns. - Now, Otis —
I hate J.J., but not that much at this moment.
L-Look, gimme a chance, huh? Gimme a chance.
[ Panting ] D-Don't you know who that man is?
- Yeah. Otis Elwell, the columnist. - Yeah.
And he's a perfect stranger to me.
So take five minutes. Get acquainted.
He's an important man.
He's lonely. Don't be dumb!
What do you want all of a sudden? Lady Godiva?
[ Whimpering ] Where's my other shoe?
What kind of an act is this?
Don't you think I have any feelings? What am I?
A-A bowl of fruit? A-A tangerine that peels in a minute?
I beg your pardon. How do you like this?
I turn myself inside out to do you a favor, and now I'm the heavy.
Here's your shoe...
there's your coat...
and there's the door.
[ Continues ]
Sidney, I don't do this sort of thing.
- What sort of thing? - This sort of thing!
You need him for a favor, don't you?
Well, so do I. I need his column tonight.
Didn't you ask me to do somethin' about your job?
Don't you have a kid in military school?
[ Whimpering ] You're a snake, Falco.
You're a louse... a real louse.
Honey, he's gonna help ya!
[ Sidney ] Huh?
How many drinks does it take...
to put you in that tropical-island mood?
[ Clattering ]
[ Continues ]
Havana — that's where we met!
Here's mud in your column.
Blessings on thee, the both.
Well, gotta run. See you kids later.
[ Otis ] Mmm. Hurry back.
[ Sidney ] Don't do anything I wouldn't do...
and that gives you a lot of leeway.
[ Door Closes ]
Palm Springs.
Two years ago.
- Don't tell Sidney. - [ Laughing ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Ringing Continues ]
Hello, J.J.? Sidney.
J.J.?
Yes, Sidney.
You sound happy, Sidney. Why should you be happy when I'm not?
How do you spell Picasso, the painter? One S or two?
[ Sidney ] Two.
An item: He goes out with three-eyed girls.
You know, it'd be nice if you mentioned R-O-B-A-R-D.
Robard's Jazz Joint. It's his 20th anniversary.
Now, don't begrudge it to me, J.J. I owe him a lot of favors.
[ Lowering Voice ] I think you understand that the Dallas skull is badly dented.
Oh, yeah, very bad.
Starting today, you can play marbles with his eyeballs.
Now, don't begrudge it to me, J.J. Mention Robard.
- R-O— - We shall see what we shall see, Sidney.
And Sidney, don't use this phone anymore.
I have a nervous sister.
- Get your paper here. - Record.
Thank you. Get your paper here. Read all about it.
Get your paper here. Read all about it.
Get your paper here.
[ Whistle Blows ]
I have no power to retract, Mr. Cummings. I'm only Mr. Hunsecker's secretary.
- [ Typewriters Clacking ] - [ Phones Ringing ]
No, nor do I agree that any retraction is necessary.
Thank you for calling. [ Chuckles ]
I fail to see what's amusing about these papers.
- I'll get the boss to sign them. - They're important.
You've said that six times. That's why I'm smiling.
[ Irish Accent ] Hello, Mary, me darlin'. And what are you up to today?
That's a question I usually like to ask you.
- Your secretary phoned. - About what?
Something about a Frank D'Angelo trying to reach you.
Is, um, that the man who manages Susie's boyfriend?
- Mm-hmm. - Have you seen this?
Otis Elwell's column today?
"The dreamy marijuana smoke...
of a lad who heads a highbrow jazz quintet...
is giving an inelegant odor...
to that elegant East Side club where he works.
That's no way for a card-holding Party member to act.
Moscow won't like it, you naughty boy."
[ Sally on Phone ] Sidney Falco office.
- Hello, Sally? I got your message. - Sidney —
If D'Angelo calls, tell him I'll be back at the office around noon. Bye.
- Could this be that boy? - Dallas? Could be.
Doesn't look like a flyer to me.
If it's true, J.J.'s gonna hit the ceiling.
Can it be news to you that J.J.'s ceiling needs a new plaster job every six weeks?
Sidney.
You know, J.J. doesn't like people who look at the column proof in advance.
Mary, my darlin', I'm not "people."
There's Falco blood, sweat, and tears in that column.
How 'bout dinner tonight?
Bribing me again?
Now, why should I bribe the woman that holds most of my heart?
You're a real rascal, Sidney.
You're an amusing boy...
but you haven't got a drop of respect in you for anything alive.
You're so immersed...
in a theology of making a fast buck.
Not that I don't sometimes feel that you yearn for something better.
Mary, don't try and sell me the Brooklyn Bridge.
I happen to know it belongs to the Dodgers.
Oh, I don't mind you looking at the column in advance, so long as J.J. doesn't know.
But don't do it like a little boy stealing gum from a slot machine.
Who put this item in about the comic?
"If there's a more hilarious funnyman around than Herbie Temple at the Palace...
you'll have to pardon us for not catching the name.
We were too busy screaming."
Does this Temple have a press agent?
No. Just one of J.J.'s occasional beaux gestes.
Evidently the fellow's funny, so he gave him a plug.
What's your favorite ribbon for your favorite chocolate?
Let's wait till Christmas. It's more legitimate then.
- Hey! - Herbie Temple onstage yet?
- Yeah, but you can't go in there now. - [ Sidney, Indistinct ]
- [ Show Music ] - [ Man ] I said, "Figo, I'm not sellin' ya a dozen eggs.
I'm sellin' ya Herbie Temple, so don't give me any of your lip."
- Hi, Al. - Since when did you two get acquainted?
- How do you do, Mr. Temple? - D-D-Delighted.
- I'm Sidney Falco. - Oh. D-D-De— I'm glad to know you.
Watch out for this guy, Herbie. He's a press agent.
You watch out for him, Al. I stutter.
Uh, I caught your act the other night, and —
- On the first or second bounce? - [ Sidney Laughs ]
And I just wanted to tell you how great you were.
Well, that's fine. What time is it, Al?
Oh. You got 10 minutes yet.
Look, Falco, I hate to bother ya, but we're kinda busy.
It's all right. I'm a little busy myself.
I'm busy too. Don't call us. We'll call you.
You mind if I ask an impertinent question, with no criticism intended?
Of course, Al, I know you earn your 10 percent...
but how can you let a sock act like Herbie Temple...
tiptoe through town without a publicity build?
We're not buying it, Falco. No fish today.
I'm not selling any. I'm just curious, that's all.
Answer his question fast, will ya? Before he asks ya five more.
Mr. Temple don't believe in press agents. Does that answer you something?
Take your hands off me, lump!
Look, nobody believes in a press agent, Temple...
if, uh, if he makes claims he can't produce.
I'm not here to try to sell anything, and I'm not gonna peddle anything.
But when I tell a client...
I can get him space in Hunsecker's column...
it's not talk.
Excuse me.
- Listen, you bull artist, if you think you can blackmail — - Let him alone, Al.
- [ Phone Rings ] - Hello. Sidney —
Hello, Mary? Could I talk to J.J., please?
Now, look, nobody hired you. We didn't talk any deal.
Relax, lump.
I told ya I wasn't peddling any fish today.
J.J., hi. Sidney Falco. How are you, sweetheart?
[ Sidney ] Fine. Just fine, thanks.
Uh, look, I know it's late, but, um...
is it too late to add something to your column?
[ Laughs ] No, no.
No relative, but very important.
If you got a piece of paper and pencil, I can suggest a word or two. Good.
"If there's a more hilariously funny man around than, uh...
than Herbie Temple at the Palace, you'll, uh...
you'll pardon us for not catching his name.
We were too busy laughing."
No, make that, "We were too busy screaming."
Right. Thanks, J.J. Probably see you at "21" later.
No. Supper. Right.
Good-bye, and thanks again. Bye.
Speak to the man, Al. Uh, wait a minute. Hold it, will ya?
- Al, speak to the — Mr. Falco. - See me in my office.
Al makes all the deals, doc. I can't —
I don't like a fella that's quick with his hands.
You know, Temple, you've been three passes behind for the last 20 years.
This could start you off real big. T.V., movies, anywhere.
Probably cost us a pretty penny too, huh?
You tell him. I st-st-st-stutter.
Look, why don't we wait until tomorrow?
Wait as long as you like.
You know where my office is.
- [ Steve ] Let's go to the club. - [ Frank ] All right, take it easy, Steve.
Hi.
Well, what is here, a wake?
- You read as you run, don't you? - It's a habit with me.
So now I'm briefed. So what?
Frank thought I shouldn't come here, but I thought —
Excuse me, Steve. I said, namely, you shouldn't go around wild...
blamin' people without justification.
But I thought you might have a faint idea how that item originated.
- [ Sidney Chuckles ] Why me? - Why not you?
Wha— Oh, that's your idea of logic, huh?
I go to the judge and say, "I didn't murder the man"...
but the judge says to me, "Why not you?"
There's only two men in this town that could be responsible for that smear:
you or Hunsecker or both!
Hunsecker and Elwell are enemies to the knife...
- so how do you get him doing J.J. a favor? - It is a favor, isn't it?
Dallas, your mouth is as big as a basket and twice as empty.
I don't like you, period!
But neither do I go along with this column...
saying you smoke, uh, marijuana and belong with the Reds.
Also, since we're talking repulsive...
J.J. won't like this for two se— Don't give me that look, Dallas.
J.J. believes in fair play. And secondly...
this could splatter his sister with rotten egg by implication. Uh, you're the boyfriend.
- You're talking very fast. - Well, I'll tell you what!
Excuse me for breathing, will ya? How do you like this two-bit banjo player?
- He comes into my office — - Look!
- Wise guy — - Boys, boys, boys.
This gets nobody nowhere.
- You're overexcited, Steve. - Don't apologize for me.
And with good reason, I wanted to say.
- This endangers the future of the whole quintet. - Should I cry?
People catch on very quick to such an item.
Van Cleve already called me. He's firing the quintet.
So what are you doing here? Go over there and fight.
Look, if Van Cleve fires your boy, that'll give that lie a ring of truth.
[ Steve ] I want to speak to Miss Hunsecker, please.
- Hello? - Susie, this is Steve. - Steve.
Don't be alarmed, but I want you to take a look at Elwell's column in The Record.
Today.
No, it's about me. A smear.
A-A smear? What — What kind of a smear?
- Where are you? - We're on our way to the Elysian to dicker with Van Cleve.
He's fired us already.
L-Look, I'll call you later, dear. Good-bye.
Come on, Frank.
If I told Steve what I really think, he'd tear your head off.
- Tell him. - No.
I'm interested in his future.
- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
Y-You know, Sally, I sometimes get the impression...
you think you live in Starbright Park.
This is life! Get used to it!
- [ Phone Rings ] - Yes?
J.J., I presume you saw the Elwell smear.
U-Uh, no. No, no medals. Not yet.
It's a lot worse than that.
Auntie Van Cleve is firing him.
I just got it from the horse's mouth. They were just here in a panic.
You mean to say they've already traced the smear to you?
Then what are you so smug about? Susie isn't dumb.
All she does is put two and two together, and I'm a chicken in a pot.
Uh, J.J., peace on earth and goodwill to men.
Everything's working out just the way I planned.
I guarantee the bomb'll pop right on schedule.
Get him back his — You said get him back his job.
For what?
Look, Sidney, I don't like this. This is traveling in the dark.
You better get over here as fast as you can.
No, wait a minute. Susie's up and about.
I'll have to do a fine song and dance.
Meet me at the T.V. about 3:00.
Susie? Come in a minute, dear.
Susie, you're very much in my thoughts today.
- Why? - Why?
What a question, dear, with that newspaper in your hand.
Did Sidney tell you about it?
Yes, he phoned.
Susie, I don't know this boy too well.
Anything in these charges?
- You're not being partial, are you? - No, I'm not. I'm not.
Now, take it easy, Susie. You don't have to protest with me. I'll trust your judgment.
Come into camp, ya poor kid. You look so nervous.
You're trembling, dear.
- Sidney didn't take long to phone you, did he? - Naturally.
Anything that touches you touches me... doesn't it?
You know, dear, we're drifting apart, you and I...
and I don't like it.
A year ago, in your wildest dreams...
would you have walked past that door without coming in here...
to take up the situation with me? Today I had to call you in.
- But I'm taking up the situation with you now. - Let me finish, dear.
You've had your say. Let me have mine.
But I haven't said anything, J.J.!
Susie, I want to help you.
You're all I've got in this whole wide world.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
What do you want me to do? Name it.
Because I don't like that troubled look on your face.
If you really want to help me, J.J...
get Steve back his job.
He means that much to you?
Yes.
With your prestige it'll only take a minute.
Ten cents' worth of American Tel & Tel.
You're picking up my lingo, hon.
I read your column every day.
Susie, I like this crisp new attitude of yours.
You're growing up, and I like it.
I don't like it when you're limp and dependent, when you're odd and wayward.
This Dallas boy must be good for you.
Why don't you bring him around today before the show?
This time I'll clean my glasses for a better look.
Let me have Billy Van Cleve.
Don't ever tell anyone, Susie, how I'm tied to your apron strings.
Billy? J.J. Hunsecker.
Now, what about this Dallas boy?
That's right. What about this Dallas boy?
"A man has the right to face his accusers.
That's the American way. Who said? The man said."
Burton, don't hang around. If I run over, I'll cut some items off the tail.
"From Washington through Jefferson...
from Lincoln and F.D.R. right up to today...
the democratic way of life — that's what the man said.
Nowadays it doesn't export too well...
but you know and I know that our best secret weapon...
- is D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y." - That's grand!
"Let's never forget it, ladies and gentlemen."
Just grand, J.J.! Is my makeup all right?
- Despite the scads of movies I've made — - It's fine. Mary, take care of Miss Tam.
Anything she wants. She's our star today.
[ Miss Tam ] ...never been on T.V. Thank you.
- [ People Laughing ] - [ Man ] Where's the script?
[ Sidney ] I got that boy coming over here today.
If I can trust my eyes — and I think I can — Susie knows all about your dirty work.
Can't hurt.
Can't hurt? I had to get that boy his job back.
Look, J.J...
we can tie this off into one neat bundle...
address it to the dumps, to oblivion.
We're doing great, but please do it my way.
I've cased this kid. I know his ins and outs.
He's full of juice and vinegar, just waiting...
for a big shot like you to put on the squeeze.
You got the boy his job back — okay. But he's not gonna accept your favor.
The manager, yeah, but not that boy.
What has this boy got that Susie likes?
Integrity. Acute, like indigestion.
What does this mean, "integrity"?
A pocketful of firecrackers...
waitin' for a match.
You know, it's a new wrinkle. To tell you the truth...
I never thought I'd make a killing on some guy's integrity.
I'd hate to take a bite out of you.
You're a cookie full of arsenic.
[ Man ] Move the lamp to your right.
I still think he's responsible for the smears.
Not that I'm convinced, but you'll never prove it in a thousand years.
Steve, you'll do what you want, but it can't hurt.
He offers you an olive branch, so today like olives.
Excuse me.
Steve, before we go in, could I —
Hi. Just in time.
J.J. just finished up his rehearsal.
[ People Talking, Shouting ]
[ J.J. ] Looks like a wedding.
- You look lovely, dear. - Steve, you've met my brother.
- [ J.J. ] Of course. Frank. - [ Steve ] Yes.
Well, son, looks like you went out and got a packet of trouble for yourself, hmm?
You've been very kind about it, Mr. Hunsecker.
Ah, give Susie credit for that. I took her word there was nothing to the smear.
As a matter of fact, I'll have plenty to say about smears on my show today.
And that's why I'd — Well, I'd like your personal assurance too.
Mr. Hunsecker, there is nothing to this smear.
- You have my sincere word. - I'll buy that.
Now you do me a favor. Be good to my kid sister.
Yeah, she's had a lot of trouble for a kid.
Susie has her girlish secrets, but in her heart of hearts...
I imagine, Dallas, she fancies you in an uncommon way.
Now, how 'bout you? Not just, uh —
Well, not just tomcatting around, I hope.
- J.J., Steve is not — - Now, take it easy, Susie.
Steve wouldn't be much of a man if he didn't understand my concern, would you?
No, I wouldn't.
Serious as a deacon. I like it. I like it fine.
In a world of old rags and bones, I like it.
Now, you take Sidney here.
If Sidney ever got anywhere near Susie...
I'd take a baseball bat, break it over his head.
[ Man ] Hey, Joe!
Sidney lives so much in moral twilight...
that when I told him you were coming here today, he predicted disaster.
Said you wouldn't take my favor.
He said you'd chew up the job and spit it right back in my face. Any truth in that?
[ Sighs ] Well, since you bring it up —
- No, Mr. Hunsecker. And now, if I can amplify — - Don't amplify.
Steve would like to thank you for this favor.
You don't listen very good, do you, Frank? J.J. just said to keep your mouth shut.
- Don't you think it's about time you shut yours? - I didn't hear you.
Who are you to tell Frank D'Angelo to shut up?
Steve, this isn't important.
Does he have to be here?
Why? Has he bothered you before?
- Is it news to you? - Son, a lot of people tell me...
I'm a very gifted man, but I still can't see around corners.
Now, just what exactly are you so hot about?
I know it's a difficult thing to be an artist in this crudest...
- of all possible worlds — - Look, I'm not here as an artist.
I'm here as an average Joe who happens to love your sister.
Well, just be careful you don't knock her off her feet, hmm?
[ Man ] Stanley, move it to your right a little bit.
Now, frankly, son, I lost you on that last hill. Just give us the punch line.
Steve —
[ Exhales Deeply ] There's no punch line.
Yeah, I was just admiring your know-how, yours and Falco's.
Why do you keep coupling me with Falco?
Why is he here?
Tell me, sir: When he dies, do you think he'll go to the dog-and-cat heaven?
Look, let's forget about dogs and cats and all that pseudo-literary junk.
I'm gonna lay it right on the line. What about that ruckus in my office this afternoon?
You were there, Frank, where, according to St. Dallas here...
J.J. was responsible for the Elwell smear!
- Don't go wild, Sidney. - Wild? Take a look at them and tell me who's wild.
- [ J.J. ] What about it? - Steve was overexcited. He didn't mean —
- J.J., I was — - Look — - Quiet, all of you!
Susie, sit down. This requires investigation.
Well, how did you mean it?
Well, come on, come on. I'm waiting.
Look, I don't take kindly to you and Falco teaching me ethics.
Who's the injured party here? You?
Right now, you have no right to ask questions, and your snide —
Wait a minute! I haven't handed over punishing privileges to you yet!
Just lay the whip down. Maybe I'll respect what you're saying.
- Steve — - Shut up!
Susie, did you know about this accusation?
No.
Before you leave, son...
I'll answer your question:
Susan Hunsecker's the injured party here.
Or perhaps next you'll be telling me I don't have my sister's welfare at heart.
Mr. Hunsecker, you've got more twists than a barrel of pretzels.
Did you hear that, Susie?
Continue, please.
Well, I can't cope with them, that's all.
You're too shrewd for me, so I'll just be honest.
Susie and I are in love. We want to get married.
Give him credit. The boy's gall is gorgeous.
Why don't we hear what Susie has to say?
That's stout of you, Dallas...
but perhaps Susie may not care to air her views in public.
Susie?
Susie, as always, is free to say anything she wants.
Go on, dear. Say exactly what's on your mind, dear.
- Those "dears" sound like daggers. Why don't you stop daring her to speak? - What are you trying to do?
I'm trying to get Susie to stand up to you, but your manner is so threatening, she's afraid to speak!
- Son, you raise your voice once more — - Please, please st—!
- J.J., can't you — - I'm sorry, Susie.
Well, son, it looks like we may have to call this game on account of darkness.
If looks could kill, I'd be dead.
No, I don't care about you.
My whole interest, if it's not too late, is in Susie...
and how to undo what you've done to her.
And what have I done to her except not buy her a new fur coat lately?
You were right, Sidney. This boy is a dilly!
Why? Because I don't like the way you toy with people?
Your contempt and malice?
I'm sorry, Frank. You think about yourself and about your column.
T-To you, you're some kind of a, a national glory...
but to me and a lot of people like me...
your slimy scandal and your phony patriotics —
To me, Mr. Hunsecker, you're a national disgrace.
Son, I don't relish shooting mosquitoes with elephant guns.
Suppose you just shuffle along and call it a day.
But my day with Susie isn't over yet.
Here's your head. What's your hurry?
You did it, J.J. You did it good.
Susie, I'd have to take it very much amiss...
if you ever saw that boy again.
I'll never see him again.
[ Paper Tears ]
Mary, call Van Cleve at this number. Tell him I said he was right.
Those Dallas boys are not worthy of his club.
- Taxi! - Susie.
Susie!
Ow!
Mr. Hunsecker, this was to be delivered to you personally.
- This drink is warm. - You said you like to have 'em at the table, sir.
- What are you, a critic? - I'll change 'em. - Forget it, forget it.
We're on the verge of a farce, a real farce.
As I see it, if Susie woulda stood behind him today, he might've proved a threat.
But since primarily he's wedded to his work, he's not gonna be able to take it.
Stop tinkering, pal. That horseradish won't jump a fence.
In brief, J.J., it's all over, because any hour now, that boy will give her up.
Now, is it a farce, or is it?
Sidney, this syrup you're giving out with...
you pour over waffles, not J.J. Hunsecker.
What do you mean, this lousy kid'll give up my sister?
How does it matter whose sister? The main thing is that they're through.
I mean that, uh, uh —
Am I supposed to forget how that kid talked to me today?
J.J., is he worthy of a second glance from a man like you? I mean that —
Bite on this.
Steamship tickets?
The next sailing of the Mary. Susie's run down.
That's good.
Now that louse is outta Susie's hair for good.
I want that boy taken apart.
J.J., why do something...
that's gonna drive them right back into each other's arms?
I know how to handle Susie. You just —
You just handle the boy.
Preferably tonight.
What's tomorrow, a holiday?
Your fat cop friend.
I think I'm going home. Maybe I left my sense of humor in my other suit.
You've got a God-given brain, Sidney. Use it.
You think this is a personal thing with me?
Are you telling me I think of this in terms of personal pique?
Don't you see that today that boy wiped his feet on the choice...
and the predilections of 60 million men and women...
in the greatest country in the world?
If you had any morals yourself, you'd understand the immorality...
of that boy's stand today.
It wasn't me he criticized. It was my readers.
Don't remove the gangplank, Sidney.
You may wanna get back on board.
J.J., it's one thing to wear your dog collar.
When it turns into a noose, I'd rather have my freedom.
The man in jail is always for freedom.
- Except, if you'll excuse me, J.J., I'm not in jail. - You're in jail, Sidney.
You're a prisoner of your own fears, your own greed and ambition. You're in jail.
You're blind, Mr. Magoo. This is the crossroads for me.
I won't get Kello. Not for a lifetime pass to the Polo Grounds.
Not if you serve me Cleopatra on a plate.
Sidney, I told you —
J.J., I swear to you on my mother's life, I wouldn't do that.
Not if you gave me a column would I do a thing —
And who do you suppose writes the column...
while Susie and I are away for three months?
The man on the moon? Thank you, Sidney.
And Sidney, I'll have that piece of paper back.
Two cups of coffee.
[ Coins Clattering ]
[ Cash Register Ringing ]
Steve, I love the way you stood up to my brother.
Nobody ever did that before.
But it frightened me.
Is that why you walked out?
Yes.
What you say to me — it's true.
I'm weak. I can't change.
[ Susie Sighs ]
I gather you're trying to say good-bye.
Yes.
I came here with half an idea of saying good-bye...
but I guess I'll hang around...
to plead.
Susie, is this really what you want?
Yes.
My brother's capable of doing very great harm, and I can't let that happen. We can't —
- I-I won't give you up. - We can't see each other again.
Susie, that's fish four days old. I won't buy it.
Right outta that mouth I love...
like a ventriloquist's dummy your brother is saying good-bye.
No, Steve.
Please don't.
[ Whimpers ] Please don't.
At least this way I'll know that...
you'll be somewhere in the world, alive and happy, working.
I won't give you up.
You've got to go.
This coat is your brother.
I've always hated this coat.
Good-bye, Mr. D'Angelo. Take care of Steve.
Say something funny, Mr. Hasenpfeffer.
[ People Chattering, Indistinct ]
Look back and see if she's still standing there.
[ Frank ] She's still standing there.
[ Jazz, Up-tempo ]
[ Chatter, Indistinct ]
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Brakes Screech ]
[ Continues ]
- I'll have a straight Coke. - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Frank ] Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me, Joe. Steve don't feel too good.
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that.
So if you don't mind, he'd like to leave after this set.
[ Joe ] I like that boy, Frank.
- Anything he wants to do is okay with me. - Thanks.
Hey, Mr. Falco.
I hate to give you the satisfaction...
but they broke it off tonight for good.
Tell that to Hunsecker.
Tell him we agree: He's a big man. He wins all the marbles.
- [ Ends ] - [ People Applauding ]
[ Jazz, Mellow ]
What's all the rush? I thought you said 3:00.
He's, um, he's leaving early. Right after this set.
It's nice, Sidney, your givin' me this tip.
- He's got 'em on him. - And he's got 'em on him.
I appreciate a thing like this.
And I appreciate where you're looking out for the virtue of this city.
- What's your hurry, snooks? - Let go of me, Kello.
Hey, Murph, how do you like this face?
Well, I'll be doggoned. It's melting.
Something got ya scared, Sidney?
Listen, rectify me a certain thing.
Weren't you kiddin', snooks, when you told J.J. I was fat?
Rest in peace, Kello. You're skinny. But J.J. says you sweat.
[ Laughs ] Is that a fact?
He's a dilly, ain't he?
I get the distinct impression, snooks, that you don't like me. Could I be wrong?
Ya could be right, ya fat slob.
Come back, Sidney.
I wanna chastise you.
[ Continues ]
[ Ends ]
Thank you very much.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Up-tempo ]
[ Continues ]
[ Kello ] Hey, fella.
[ Woman ] Go! Go, go, go!
[ Man ] I'd like to propose the toast. What do you say?
- Scotch. - Scotch.
- Three scotches, one vodka and orange juice... - Sidney.
- and an old-fashioned. - Sidney, there's a phone call for you.
Lou, I told you I'm not takin' any calls, right?
- I don't care who calls — no calls! - All right, Sidney.
- I still wanna make a toast. - [ Sidney ] I'm buyin' the booze, so I'm makin' a toast.
- [ All ] Okay! - Here's to the thing we always dream about.
It makes you cool in the summertime, keeps you hot in the wintertime —
- Hey, how you been? - Sidney.
[ Sidney ] Hello, Charlie. How are you?
Herbie Temple, remember? The funniest man in town.
[ Sidney ] Gentlemen, I'm toasting my favorite new perfume.
- Success. - Hey, hey!
[ Chatter, Indistinct ]
Sorry, kid. She said it was important. The operator at "21" took the message.
Lou, I'm not taking any messages unless it's J.J. Hunsecker.
That's who it is. He wants you to come over to his house right away.
Gentlemen, duty calls. The best of friends must part, right?
Sidney, Al and I talked it over, and we want you to handle our account.
One of you guys want a bread-and-butter account? You act like I was lookin' for you.
[ Man ] Why don't you take me along? Maybe I'll rub his back for you, huh?
[ Buzzer Sounds ]
[ Clatter ]
J.J.?
- J.J.? - [ Clatter ]
Susie?
[ Horns Honking ]
Susie?
Uh...
w-what— what are ya —
what are ya doing out there this time of the night? Uh —
The, uh, the door was opened.
- Where's J.J.? - He isn't here.
- Well, I got a message to come over. - Did you?
- Well, if he isn't here, I — - Mr. D'Angelo phoned.
- Yeah? - About Steve.
I went down — [ Stammering ]
I went down to the hospital, but they wouldn't let me in.
It's all over town about Dallas.
How is he?
[ Tremulous Breathing ]
They wouldn't let me in.
But I gave Steve up.
Why did you and J.J. do it?
What are you talking about? Who gives you the right to talk like that?
Don't bother to lie, Sidney.
I don't care anymore.
Look, Susie, you're very upset, so I'm not gonna argue with ya.
Feeling sorry for yourself is not gonna help.
Why don't you go to bed and get a good night's sleep, huh?
I'm sorry about Steve, not myself.
I'm sorry about my brother.
And I'm sorry about you too, Sidney...
- because you're going down with the ship. - What ship?
This ship.
Don't you know how my brother's gonna see you after tonight?
You're gonna be the man who...
drove his beloved little sister to suicide.
You know, Susie, I've heard this woman-talk before.
Why don't ya start growin' up, huh?
Start thinking with your head instead of your hips.
Uh, by the way...
I got nothing against women thinking with their hips. That's their nature.
Just like it's a man's nature to go out and hustle and get the things he wants.
Susie, look at yourself. You're 19 years old.
Just a kid, and you're falling apart at the seams.
You tiptoe around on those bird legs of yours, nervous and incompetent...
with a fatality for doing wrong, picking wrong...
and giving up even before you start a fight!
Wait a minute.
It's the truth, and the truth hurts.
Come around some night when I'm not writin' your brother's column...
and I'll revise that delicate outlook of life.
To give credit where credit is due, Susie...
that body of yours deserves a better fate than tumbling off some terrace.
Susie...
a bed is the best friend a girl ever had.
Pleasant dreams.
Hey, now, don't be no square. Don't do anything stupid.
Susie?
- Su— Susie! - [ Muffled Cry ]
Are you crazy? Are you outta your mind?
[ Susie Whimpering ]
[ Susie Groans ]
What do you think your brother would say if I told him you tried a thing like that?
- I'll get you a drink. - No! Go away!
Susie, look, I-I'm sorry.
- If I said anything or did anything... - Get out of here!
[ Sidney ] I did —
[ Susie Crying ]
[ J.J. ] It's all right, Susie. I'm here.
Take it easy, dear.
- J.J., Susie wasn't feeling — - Calm yourself, dear. Now, don't worry.
[ Crying Continues ]
Put this on, Susie.
J.J., it's lucky I came right over after I got your message.
I got here as quickly as I could, but —
What message?
Well? What message?
Well... be that as it may, someone called me —
It's just lucky I got your message and came over here in time.
Why?
J.J., Susie was so depressed she tried to kill herself.
Depressed?
About what?
'Cause she heard the news about Dallas.
What news about Dallas?
Oh, uh, I took it for granted, J.J., that you heard about it around town.
You're not gonna like this, but they, uh, they picked him up on a marijuana rap.
And is that why you put your hands...
on my sister?
J.J., please.
Susie tried to throw herself off the terrace.
Susie, tell him the truth!
Tell him!
J.J., please. Look, I can explain.
J.J.!
Stop!
- Stop. - You defending your sister, ya big phony?
Didn't you tell me to get Kello? Didn't you —
Susie, just as I know he's lying about your attempted suicide...
you know he's lying about me.
But we can't leave it like this, can we?
I suggest you go to bed, dear.
You're growing up.
Cute.
Sergeant? This is J.J. Hunsecker. Let me talk to Lieutenant Kello.
Harry? Sorry to bother you, kid, but a bad mistake has been made.
J.J., you've got such contempt for people, it makes you stupid.
You didn't beat those kids. You've lost her. You'll never get her back.
Harry, Sidney Falco planted that stuff on Dallas.
Jealousy.
Behind my back he was trying to make my sister.
That fat cop can break my bones, but he'll never stop me from telling what I know.
He's leaving right now.
[ Door Opens ]
Where do you think you're going?
I'm leaving. I'm going to Steve.
No, you're not. You're going into the hands of a good psychoanalyst.
You tried to kill yourself tonight!
Yes.
I'd rather be dead than living with you.
For all the things you've done, J.J...
I-I know I should hate you.
But I don't. I pity you.
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Blows Landing ]