THE VIRGINIAN: This is Wyoming in 1897.
It's a land of great open spaces,
a land that gives a man plenty of elbow room.
Somebody once said that in Wyoming
you can look farther and see less than any place in the world.
Whoever said that couldn't have seen Wyoming as I have.
To look at the mountains, the valleys, and the plains,
you'd think nothing ever changes out here.
Maybe that's true about the land,
but it's not true about the people.
They've changed-- at least most of them.
They've settled down.
Twenty years ago, it was a different breed of men who came west.
They were looking for adventure and excitement.
There was plenty of adventure to go around,
and lots of excitement.
At first it was the Indians who provided the adventure,
and for those who lived to tell about it,
there was no question about its being exciting.
It was a time when life was cheap
and a man lived for today.
The odds were against his being around tomorrow, and he knew it.
What's more, he liked it that way.
This breed of man loved his way of life.
It was everything he wanted.
It was adventure and excitement and fun.
Maybe he worked hard,
but he fought hard.
And he sure played hard.
Then suddenly one day his world was gone.
The prairies and the mountains were the same,
the cattle and the horses were the same,
but the West had grown up.
It had changed.
This breed of man was still there,
still looking for the fun and headlong adventure.
'Evening, Sheriff.
All quiet? As usual.
MAN: Yee-hee! Ha ha!
Now we're gonna have some fun!
Looky here, everybody, listen to me.
I know a lot of you folks in here don't know me,
and some of you don't give a hoot,
but, now, my name's Jimmy Dobbs,
and if I got me an enemy in the world,
I sure don't know about it.
Now, any of you in here don't like me?
Nobody don't like me?
Well, then, I got me a room full of friends.
Now, come on, friends, step up to the bar and drink,
'cause I'm buying drinks for all my friends,
'cause that's what friends is for.
Ain't that right, Trampas?
That's right. Step up, gents. Don't be shy.
My friend's in a spending mood.
He's the friendliest, most-spending-est man you'd ever have to meet--
till the money runs out!
Trampas, you take care of the settling up.
All right.
Looky here--
no man's money's no good for nothing
Until mine's all drunk up!
Hey, Jamie, I don't mean to cramp your style,
but your money's being drunk up about twice over right now.
Huh?
Champagne for everybody!
Bring on the dancing girls!
You have most enough here for a round of beers--
short ones, if you and me held back.
You mean all my money's gone, my whole month's wages?
It don't go far if it don't go slow,
and I'm out of cash and credit both.
I'll get it. Give me the money back.
Now let's really have some fun!
Look! Aw, drink up!
Oh, I heard somebody down there thinking!
I don't want none of that!
Want nothing but drinking!
I got so much money! In fact, tonight I've got money to burn!
Looky here!
Hey, no! That's a $5 bill!
Looky there!
He's out of his mind!
I guess you gave quite a bit of thought to that solution.
Just relax, Trampas. Fun's just getting started.
Hey, mister, which one of us is loco, you or me?
Setting fire to a $5 bill?
Yeah, what's the idea, burning good money?
Think of the widows and orphans.
Or me!
Well, I am thinking of the widows.
My mother was a widow,
God rest her soul.
And I was an orphan,
and I've had a long and terrible and hard life.
I know you're all wondering how come I look so good
and young, and I'm so carefree.
That's because money ain't my master.
I never kept it long enough for it to weigh me down.
I believe that!
Hey, let's lighten him up a little bit there.
He shouldn't be burdened with that!
Yes, sir, money don't mean that much to me,
'cause money's just for having fun.
In fact, that's all everything's for, is just for having fun.
Ain't that right?
I like your liquor, mister,
but you sure talk stuff and nonsense.
Now there speaks a man with soul so dead that...
he ain't got no feeling of patriotism.
Patriotic?
I'm as patriotic as any many in the whole world--
any American too!
What I been saying and what you been calling "stuff and nonsense,"
that comes right straight out of the Declaration of Independence,
and there ain't nothing more patriotic than that.
Where does it say what you just said?
It says, "all men are created equal..."
something something... "by their Creator..."
and something something some kind of rights,
and the greatest of which
is "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."
And nowhere in that great, great document
does it say one stinking word
about the pursuit of money.
He's got a point, there.
You know, that's well put.
Yeah, wrote down in black and white.
Hey, Jamie-- Jamie--
That good old Declaration of Independence,
that stopped 'em cold, didn't it?
And you know why?
Because that's true. It is true.
I believe it myself.
Yeah, fine, fine. I agree.
But you got some good, patriotic reason
why we don't have to pay for these drinks,
'cause if you don't--
Trampas, you just relax, now.
You always take things all serious all the time.
Being a deadbeat in this town ain't generally considered a laughing matter,
and as far as me, well, I'll--
I never run out on a drinking debt in my life,
and it kind of hurts me, you believing that I might.
I'd rather see you run out than get nailed to the wall.
You're down to around $15, and the bill's up to around 50,
and somehow that don't come out even.
Aw, that's all right.
Never fear when Jamie's near.
Like I said, money's for getting rid of!
Since you like money so much,
I'm gonna sell you some of mine!
Here we are! How much am I bid, sight unseen?
What's he saying now?
He says he's gonna sell his money!
Come on, come on! Got it right here! What am I offered?
All right! 50 cents!
Hey, this here is paper money.
I said 50 cents.
Fair enough. 50 cents, that's a bid.
Six bits?
How 'bout a dollar?
Dollar
Six bits once, six bits twice...
sold for six bits.
Gimme six bits here. There's your change!
What did you get? How much?
Hey, lookit! Five dollars!
He give me five dollars! Five dollars! Ha ha!
Five dollars for six bits?
You got any more money for sale?
That's all I got. Here's all of it for sale, all I got now.
What are you gonna bid for this?
A dollar.
No, m-make it two.
Two dollars!
I'll make it three.
Two-- two and a half!
Double it!
Five sold! There you are!
You gonna spend it here, or gonna want me to wrap it up?
Ten! Ten for a five! Oh, it's Christmas!
Ho ho! Oh, boy!
I'd better go check on the horses.
Oh, no, no. That's all right.
The horses are all right. They're in the stable.
Then I'd better go check on the stable.
Hey, Trampas, when'd you hook up with him?
Who, Sheriff?
Oh, him.
Oh, well, we ain't hooked up.
Where'd you run into him?
He's been working on the ranch the past 30 days.
Him, working?
Yeah. Works good too.
He never got rich working for wages.
Aw, he ain't rich. He's just full of fun.
Or something.
Yes, uh...
What are you gonna do now, Jamie?
Gonna shoot the works!
Right there in my fist, I've got my entire wealth right here!
How much am I offered for it?
I know he's got my five in there.
He's got my six bits for sure.
Lord knows how much more.
Come on, now! How much am I bid?
Do I hear $10?
I'll say $10!
Ten dollars
Oh, twenty!
$20
$50?
No $50?
All right.
$20 going once... going twice...
Hey, wait a minute. I say fifty.
Gimme the fifty.
There you are.
Count it out. What you got?
How much?
Seven dollars and six bits?
Is that all it is?
Well, well, it's all for fun!
You mean I'm gonna get my money back?
No, but it's gone for a good cause.
Now you're buying the drinks.
That's all! Come on, drink up!
I thank you, everybody!
Thank you!
You're a real, live man!
It was a gyp. I want my money back.
Well, I ain't got it. It's all drunk up.
But that's all right. It's all in fun.
Yeah? Well, so's this!
Come on, Trampas!
( objects clattering noisily )
What was the name of that big, heavyset fellow
that hit me with the chair?
Munsy. Blacksmith.
Yeah.
He-- he sure was quite a one for fighting with furniture.
Knocked over three men with one table. Did you see that?
Yeah.
Sort of boom, boom, boom-- he knocked 'em down real fast.
Kind of humorous, I thought.
He sort of looked comical when you heaved that barrel.
I didn't heave it. I wanted to, but it was too heavy.
Had to roll it.
Worked out even better, though--
caught him right behind the knees.
Did you see him,
sort of hanging up in the air,
sunning his heels?
Ohh!
And then, when he hit that floor,
oh, how it did shake. You remember that?
That was one of the better moments.
Yeah.
He took it kind of hard, though.
That's when he started banging my head agin the wall.
Ooohhh.
Nothing like a good free-for-all
to clear up the air, you know?
Sort of makes a man forget his troubles.
You never had no troubles, Jamie.
Well, uh, 'least none that I couldn't laugh off.
Yeah, sure you can have him back,
but I wouldn't know what for.
VIRGINIAN: My chores. Rounding up strays.
Well, well, look who's here.
And look who's here.
Yeah, but we can explain that.
JAMIE: We was just, you know,
having a little fun.
You're charged with disturbing the peace,
inciting a riot, disorderly conduct,
resisting arrest,
and property damage to the extent of...?
$123.17.
JAMIE: Ain't that cutting it kind of thin?
What's them 17 cents for?
Beefsteak, bartender's eye.
Well, I never hit no bartender. You hit a bartender?
I hit somebody's fist with my chin. That's about it.
Doesn't make any difference.
You two stirred the whole thing up.
But come on, get out of here.
We're not pressing any charges.
Virginian says he'll stand good for the damages.
That's real neighborly of you.
I'll get it back!
From them
Got a whip?
Oh, please, get 'em out of here.
I gotta get some sleep.
VIRGINIAN: Thanks, Stan.
For nothing.
Oh, I-I want you to know Trampas ain't gonna have to work for none of this.
I'm gonna work it all out myself,
'cause it was my treat.
And it was worth every penny of it too.
I hope you still think so in about 90 days,
when it's paid for.
The horses are right over here.
Uh, thanks for pulling us out.
Sure. Just don't let it happen again.
Yo.
Why not? Why not?
Yeah, what's the harm?
Well, don't you see it?
No, can't say as I do.
Shucks, back where I come from,
the top hand used to pull us out every payday.
Yeah, used to haul us in there,
dumped in the back of that old buckboard
just like sacks of potatoes--
haul us home ruined but happy.
In what is known as "the good old days"?
Yeah, but same thing now.
Except I'm gonna pay the damages.
That's not the point.
Well, then, what is?
Well, uh...
Shiloh Ranch, Judge Garth
are respected names around these parts,
so how's it look for the Judge
if his hands come in and tear up the town?
I don't see that he's got anything to do with it.
I-I give him full measure when I'm working, don't I?
No argument, Jamie.
You're one of the best hands we ever had.
Then I don't see why I can't give myself full measure
on my own time.
No man's ever on his own time.
I-I don't quite follow that.
I mean, a man's got a right to kick up his heels.
Now, I like the Judge.
He's a fine man, and he pays me good and all that,
but, uh, well, shucks, he don't own me.
Oh, no. That's your responsibility.
Yep. And I ain't never gonna be a burden on myself,
I'll tell you that,
'cause there's only one thing I want out of life,
and that's a few laughs.
Now, that ain't too much to want, is it?
Hardly seems enough.
What else is important?
Building a bunch of fences,
or putting up some old buildings
or a lot of telegraph poles?
That your idea of having fun?
Country's growing up, Jamie.
Your trouble is, you got growing pains.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it's time for me to be moving on again--
oh, after I pay you what I owe you, of course.
Where you going, Jamie?
Where the fun's at-- West!
What West is that you're talking about?
I mean the real West.
Them wild towns--
Tombstone, Dodge City, Wichita.
Yes sirree--
whooping it up every night, and twice on Saturday.
That's where I belong.
You know, you boys, you ain't never learned to laugh.
Oh, I don't know.
I remember laughing real hard only last Friday.
That's all right. There's hope for you.
And Trampas here, he's got a real feeling for it.
Hey, hey!
I-I got an idea.
Hey, hey why don't the three of us take off together?
Hit them trail towns?
We'd have him loosened up in no time at all,
hooting up one side and hollering down the other!
Yes, sir!
Yeah, I can-- I can see it all now.
No, you can't.
You can see it all then.
What-- what's that supposed to mean?
How long's it been, Jamie, since you saw those towns?
I don't know. Ten or fifteen years.
But they ain't gone, you know.
Ever think they might have changed with the times?
They might have fences and telegraph poles by now.
You know, you can spoil a real nice day with talk like that.
Hello, Jamie. Still awake, huh?
Yeah. You too?
Yeah.
I been wondering--
do you suppose there is some place like you said?
You know, where the fun's at
Sure there is.
Oh, don't you pay no attention to Old Sobersides.
I don't know.
All my life, that's the place I been looking for.
Where's it at?
Maybe the Virginian's right.
Maybe they got 'em all fenced off by now.
Don't you believe that.
I just been laying here thinking about some of them towns,
and some... women I used to know.
Oh, I-I don't mean them settling down kind.
Mnh-mnh, not that woman/mother, no.
I mean the kind you can have fun with.
Yeah, all... all...
fancy feathers and war paint.
Yeah.
Just a lot of laughs.
Maybe kind of-- kind of loud,
but with big hearts.
Yeah. No strings attached.
Smelling like...
like a whole hothouse full of rosebuds.
Yeah, that's-- that's what them towns was like to me.
'Course if they have gone chained,
and got all corseted-up and respectable, then--
then they ain't one thing or another,
know what I mean?
Yeah.
You know, well, if they have,
there's always-- always other towns.
Ain't there?
Yeah.
Just the same as there's always some other woman.
Yeah.
I guess.
But where?
Out West, that's where.
West.
JAMIE: Hey, everybody, come on!
Step up to the bar! I'm buying the drinks!
BARKEEP: Oh, no, you ain't!
STEVE: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now, this here's a celebration.
Yeah, and this time, we're paying it in advance.
That-- that enough to cover a round?
Oh, yeah, this is more than enough.
You keep the change, for your honesty.
MAN: What's the celebration about, Jamie?
Today marks the day that I finished off paying for the damages
for the last time I bought the drinks!
What'll it be, Jamie?
Buttermilk. Buttermilk.
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna try something new tonight.
I'm gonna try not having me any fun.
That's what everybody else is doing...
...so figure that there might be something to it.
That sure don't sound like Jamie Dobbs!
Lump! Lucky!
Lump and Lucky! Hey!
( happy, indistinct shouting )
Hey, Trampas, who are them two?
Well...
I'd say that was Lump and Lucky.
Trampas, everybody,
say hello to a couple of old shirttail buddies of mine.
Hey, this here galoot here, this is Lump.
He caught himself a cyclone way down Kansas way,
and rode it all the way to the Texas border.
That's where he bumped into this longhorn! This here's Lucky.
And they had to stop there, 'cause every time a cyclone wants to go through Texas,
they gotta get his permission!
Trampas, remember what I was telling you about having fun?
Well, these two boys come from where fun was invented!
Boys, shake hands with Trampas.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Delighted no end.
You know, the last time us three got together,
we cleaned out a whole saloon.
W
Down at Corpus Christi, wasn't it?
Yeah. We cleaned it out upstairs and down,
just the three of us.
Relax, boys. That was long years ago.
We don't do that no more.
No, no. That's right.
In fact, we wouldn't even have done it then,
except that some fellow made a kind of unkind remark about Lucky here.
What was that he said? I kind of disremembered.
Oh, he said a Texas boy ain't fit to sleep with the hogs.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Ha ha ha!
That was his mistake.
Yeah, that's right.
Sure was!
Texas boy is fit to sleep with the hogs.
Stick around, Trampas. The horses is all right.
JAMIE: You know, Lump,
the way you kept twisting and twisting that fellow's head around,
he's gonna have to screw his collar on come Sunday!
LUCKY: The thing that sticks to my mind is this boy.
He's fair handy at rolling a beer barrel.
LUMP: He'll do, he'll do.
TRAMPAS: I had a good teacher.
JAMIE: Hey! I never did get a chance to ask you,
what you fellows doing here?
LUMP: We come to get you, Jamie.
JAMIE: Well, you got me. Where we going?
TRAMPAS: Wait, wait. Let me guess.
Uh... West?
LUCKY: Right! How'd you know?
TRAMPAS: I had a hunch.
JAMIE: I mean... after all these years?
LUMP: We heard you was working for wages.
Oh, that's got out, huh?
LUCKY: Yeah.
But we come to take you away from all that.
Well, I-I'm willing. What you got in mind?
I-I mean besides what we've always got in mind.
Well, Jamie, Lucky and me,
we been working a gold claim, you know, up in the Dakota.
We didn't exactly strike it rich,
but we ain't been working for wages neither.
Well, you ain't not been working, have you?
Uh, no... but what's a man work for, Jamie?
Beats me.
So's he can quit working, right?
You-- you don't mean to tell me
you boys have made enough money so you don't have to work no more!
No, no! That comes next!
Well, this sounds good. Tell me more.
Oh, no, that's all right. You can talk in front of Trampas.
Well, we's got 'most $900 saved up.
That's our grubstake.
And we got wind of something, Jamie, a real gold mine,
that's gonna keep you and me and Lump here
living on velvet the rest of our lives.
Well, gee, that...
Oh, but, boys, I ain't got no grubstake.
Well, of course not.
You think we look for you to have money?
We go thirds, Jamie.
First $900 pays me and Jamie back for the stake,
then, from then on, we split even--
thousands and thousands of dollars.
Fair?
Sounds fair.
Yeah, I guess.
Where's this mountain at?
Superstition Mountain, Arizona.
Oh, no, Lump,
don't tell me you got a map to the Lost Dutchman mine,
made out the night he died and give to the old squaw that nursed him.
Them maps--
This here's another kind of gold, Jamie,
on hoofs!
Beeves?
Running wild.
Must be five, six hundred head in there.
Y-you see, they was requisitioned by the army,
and when the war was over, the army pulled out,
turned 'em loose.
What war?
The War of the Rebellion.
Must be kind of old.
They begat.
Oh. Yeah.
But, look, how come these buenas is running around loose,
if they're for anybody to throw their iron on?
Oh, it's been tried, but that's rough country down there.
But, like Lump says, they's wild!
But we're gonna do it, Jamie.
That's why we come to get you,
bridle-wise, the best in the West!
Well, I ain't got enough holding me around here
to dust a fiddle, so it ain't that,
but, shucks, I ain't never seen nothing that,
I mean, was really worth something
just laying around free for the taking.
Y
No.
But-- but we talked to a fellow that did.
'Fact, he was gonna go back and get 'em himself,
but he got bit by a snake and he couldn't,
but he drawed a map.
And gave it to the squaw who nursed him.
Them critters is there!
We ain't saying they're prize stock.
They're just wild.
Scrubs, buzzard-bait, bowwows, no doubt,
but we can fatten 'em up, see?
Now, it might take a year, all told,
but then we cashes 'em in.
And then we don't have to work another day in our lives.
Yeah.
Head for San Francisco, and just keep going west,
all the way to China.
That's east.
Which is just how far west we're going!
Let's go!
You mean stone walls do not a prison make?
Uh...?
Oh, yeah. There is that.
His friend Virginia's a little late pulling us out tonight.
Well, maybe he's gonna let us sit and think over the weekend.
Oh, and then, too,
I'll probably be working three, four months
paying off the damages for tonight's party.
How much do you think it'd come to?
The going rate's about $123.
Give or take 17 cents.
Oh, yeah!
Why don't we just pay off and be on our way?
Oh, yeah! I can't get used to the idea of us having money,
you know, just in hand to spend.
Hey, Sheriff! Hey, open the door!
Hey! Hey, come out here!
SHERIFF: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Cut out your racket!
How much is it gonna cost to let me and my friends out of here?
Damages come to $120.
Hey! Price is going down.
Yeah, but this time I've added on a little fine--
twenty dollars a head.
Oh, my. That is kind of steep.
LUCKY: Here you are, Sheriff.
A hundred and eighty, and no hard feelings.
Oh, oh, oh, Lucky-- 200.
LUCKY: Huh?
Oh, is he coming too?
'Course, we could use another hand. Yeah.
You think he's worth 20 bucks?
Give or take 17 cents.
LUCKY: Here you go.
Well, come on, Trampas.
Well, Jamie, uh...
Well.. you want to stay here
and talk about how you gave the poor old Judge a bad name again,
or you want to come with us,
out west, where the fun's at?
Let's go.
JAMIE: Kind of nice, that note you left.
You know, "Dear Steve, dear Judge, dear Virginian..."
Kind of sweet, all them "dears."
TRAMPAS: Yeah, I thought so.
A little flowery, b-b-but manly.
Yeah. Had me all choked up.
Hey, hey, that ain't it, is it?
Uh-huh.
Well, uh, now-- now how they gonna know you're gone?
I'll tell 'em if I see 'em.
That's the way me and Lump seen it.
The "Lucky 3."
Right nice-looking brand mark.
Now, give me the stick there.
Oh, yeah.
'Course, we thunk it up 'fore we knowed you was going with us, Trampas.
Well, maybe you'd better not change it before you see how I work out.
JAMIE: Too late for you to back out now.
I been giving this a lot of thought, and, uh...
well, I mean, what do you think about Hawaii?
Well, I figured on China, but I reckon Hawaii's got it beat, huh?
Now, there, nobody does no work at all.
They just lay there in that big, long, white beach
with flowers in their hair.
Yeah. And all you gotta do is open up your mouth,
and some woman comes over and pours coconut milk down your throat.
Or you can wiggle one toe,
and some woman comes over and fans you with a big old palm leaf.
All right, that settles it.
Yeah. H-Hawaii it is.
All right with you, Trampas.
Suits me.
Fine. Now that's out of the way.
Lookit there. Try reaching for that gun again,
and we'll see if coffee spouts out your belly the same way.
Go on, try.
Not me.
You got the edge on me, mister.
Oh? You mean to say if I put this back where it come from,
you'd make a grab for yours?
Never find out just talking.
My, my. All booted and spurred, ain't we?
'Course, I got no way of knowing
if you're all that fast, or just plain stupid.
Either way, up on your feet, all of you.
You'd best raise your hands too.
I figure two kind of men being dangerous--
fast ones and stupid ones.
I don't mess with either kind.
You shoot off your mouth once more, big stuff,
I shoot off your trigger finger. Fair?
Here's your chance.
They ain't using them guns.
Take 'em.
Sure did enjoy to hear what you goys are going to do when you grow up.
We take the saddles too, or just the horses?
Take everything they got. Boots too.
Oh, no, not our boots.
What's the matter?
You got no use for all that stuff, lying around them beaches.
Just stick a flower in your hair, and you're all set, right?
Second thought, we'll leave you something.
You can keep your coffee.
Take up the collection?
Go to it.
Segundo here is gonna pass among you men.
This money you're giving goes to keep up the work we do, so dig deep.
Empty your pockets!
Well, looky here.
Well, well.
Twelve notches.
We got a gunslinger with us, men,
or a whittler.
This'd be yours, huh, Tex?
Just about cut yourself out of whittling space.
Still room enough there for you.
Lucky, shut up, will you?
Don't bother, Scratch.
Talk ain't nothing.
D Quiet, you.
Not Jack Scratch?!
So?
You don't mean to say that this is
that famous Ace in the Hole gang?
So?
Well, I'll be dogged.
Things must be really getting tough.
You know, I heared tell that you was the real thing.
Real bank robbers, road agents.
Real desperados.
Didn't know you's a bunch of rag-picking penny-stealers.
See what I mean, men?
Let one man shoot off his mouth, they all lose respect for you.
Him. I want him on his knees.
Rub his nose in the dirt.
Now we'll see how lucky you are, Lucky.
Three bullets in your gun.
I'm going to spin the cylinder once.
Odds are even there's one under the hammer.
Anyone want to bet I don't blow his head off?
You are lucky.
All right, finish up here.
I don't guess they'll be talking back no more.
JAMIE: You gotta look at the comical side of it.
I mean, here we was, all set to hit down whooping and hollering,
ripping up one side and down the other.
Paint her four shades of red. Now look at us.
Did you ever see four sorrier
LUCKY: They's gonna be sorrier ones.
LUMP: Funniest thing is them fellows thinking they're gonna get away with it.
TRAMPAS: You mean they didn't?
LUMP: Not on your tintype!
They picked just about the worst time and place to do what they done,
especially when you figure who they done it to.
Us? Yeah, us!
JAMIE: Hey, let's sit down for just a minute here.
LUMP: You know, in this town where we're going,
I am well-knowed and dearly loved.
The Sheriff and me used to spend about half our lives together.
Yeah. Him on one side of the bars,
and Lump on the other!
Yeah. I used to check myself into jail
whenever I figured I ought to be arrested.
Sheriff even give me my own key!
Him and me was a couple of side-kickers from way back.
You think he's gonna take kindly
what them fellows done to Lump and his friends?
No, sir.
We'll have a posse got up and after 'em
big and pronto.
Yes, sir.
Nothing I'm gonna like better than chasing them down.
We'll get our money back, and then some.
I figure I'm gonna catch or kill about five or six of 'em myself.
Now-- now hold on, there.
Don't get hoggy. Save some for us.
That big gallywampus, Scratch,
he's for me.
I wouldn't want to be in his boots.
I wouldn't mind being in mine.
Ha ha ha! Trampas!
Well, Trampas, was I right?
Are we West
Where else you gonna run into a real pack of desperados?
Something you can remember, something you can tell about--
how you helped to wipe out the Ace in the Hole gang.
Yeah. I wonder if they know how much trouble they're in.
Howdy, son. We're looking for the Sheriff.
I'm the Sheriff.
You?! Where's Sheriff Blade?
I'm Sheriff Blade.
You must mean my father.
He's been dead for 14 years.
Oh, son. I'm awful sorry.
Thanks, but I'm used to it now.
You must be little Tadpole!
Yes, I'm Thaddeus.
Your daddy and me was the best of friends.
I'm your Uncle Lump!
I've heard him speak of you.
Nothing good, I'll bet.
Well, you're the new Sheriff.
A chip off the old block.
I used to bounce you on my knee!
Well, Sheriff, that ain't exactly what we came in here for.
You see, we been robbed.
Oh
Huh?
I'm Jamie Dobbs, this is Trampas,
and that's Lucky back there,
and 'course you know your Uncle Lump.
Surnames?
No, no. Just plain old mister.
Never mind writing it down, boy. Come on, let's go.
Go where? After 'em. Get a posse.
We have to keep a record.
Now, then, who do you suspect?
We don's suspect nobody.
We know.
It's that Jack Scratch and the Ace in the Hole gang.
Oh, then this so-called robbery took place outside of town.
Did you hear what he said? "So-called."
Son, look at that.
Is that "so
Yeah.
Objects reported missing: four pairs of boots.
Plus four horses, four saddles,
four gun belts, four sidearms, one double-stack blowgun,
and a whole mess of trail gear.
And 'most $800 cash out of pocket.
JAMIE: So, uh, come on, let's go.
Exactly where did this incident take place?
Up there in the hills.
In, uh... in this approximate area?
No, nothing like that. No, that's all flat.
No, I told you, it was hills. We'll take you.
These concentric lines represent elevations.
These are the hills.
Well, then, that's where they done it.
This line indicates the limits of my legal jurisdiction.
Then those hills aren't in your jurisdiction.
Correct.
LUMP: You mean you ain't going after 'em?
BLADE: Legally, I can't.
Well, who can?
That's a curious thing.
There is no legal authority in that area.
That's one oversight I intend to correct
when we've achieved statehood and I'm elected to Congress.
Uh-huh. And there ain't nothing you can do about it before then.
I'm afraid not.
The Ace in the Hole gang frequently hides out in those hills.
Notice the black spade on the map,
in the box canyon there.
Yo. I see it right here.
That's the "Ace in the Hole."
It's a natural fortress, just about invulnerable.
That's where they probably are.
You mean you knows where they's at,
and you still ain't going after 'em?
I told you, it's out of my jurisdiction.
That's the most foolish-est thing I ever heard.
Your daddy wouldn't have let the law stop him from being Sheriff?
Things were different in his day.
Well, now, uh, ain't there nobody that'll help us get our things back?
I doubt it.
The last sheriff took it upon himself to go up there
with a posse of 18 men.
Tried to clean out those hills.
Three men returned alive. Not the sheriff.
Aha! Yeah! Now I savvy.
Uh-huh.
Well, think about this.
Since they're so close by up there,
what's to stop 'em from coming down and hitting this town,
cleaning it out?
I am. I'm to stop them.
You see, then they would be in my jurisdiction.
But they haven't tried it yet.
Yeah, well, they-- they probably scared of you.
Or they don't want to spoil a good thing.
In fact, they rode all the way to Tucson two days ago to rob a bank.
Ours was much closer.
Well, I sure am glad to hear they been still robbing banks.
I kinda figured they were having a bad time of it,
robbing poor cowboys who ain't got no law to help 'em.
If we don't get no posse, we ain't got no boots,
we ain't got no place to sleep.
Well, I can arrange
with the ladies from the church to let you sleep there until you find work.
Work?!
Yes, there's plenty of it here.
We're a growing community.
As for your boots,
I happen to be half owner of the emporium here.
We can let you have your boots now,
and you can pay for them out of your first month's wages.
Well, Sheriff, we wasn't exactly planning on working for wages.
Well, plans are subject to change,
just like everything else.
You understand.
Yeah. I'm beginning to.
We didn't get too far with the Sheriff, Mr. Blanch.
Except he did sell us these new boots, on credit.
LUCKY: That's his specialty!
LUMP: We couldn't get the men stirred up enough to join the posse.
So we're gonna do it ourselves.
You four are going to ride in there
and shoot it out with the Ace in the Hole gang?
That's right.
Well, one of us might be able to be talked out of that.
Oh ho! Tramp!
He's always fooling like that!
Sometimes he gets us laughing so we're just about sick.
No, he's going.
Trampas, you shut up, now!
Anyway, we figured we better come talk to you,
you being the president of the bank and such.
Now, let me understand this.
You maintain that because the gang is so close,
it constitutes a present danger to this town
and this bank in particular.
Yes, sir. That's the idea.
You see, the thing is to hit them 'fore they hit you.
And we're gonna do it for you.
All we want to get is our guns and horses
and whatever other stuff it was
they robbered us out of.
JAMIE: That's all.
That's all we want.
'Course, we're gonna need the loan
of some horses and guns and stuff, but you'll get 'em back,
just as soon as we wipe out the gang.
Well, it's a fascinating proposition.
See, what'd I tell you? See?
You's right, Jamie.
But it's very bad business.
I'm sorry. No.
No?
And what if they rob your bank?
What's that
Huh Right?
Well, you'll see we have armed guards to prevent that.
Also, we're members of an association.
We're insured against loss.
See, these days we take very few risks.
Well, that's it. We're taking the risk.
That's just the point.
You'd be risking four fast horses, saddled;
four Colt .45 single-action Army revolvers;
120 rounds of ammunition;
miscellaneous equipment and supplies.
That totals up to well over $1200.
That
Oh. Well, uh...
we'll take real good care of 'em.
You'd get it back in fine condition.
And what condition are we apt to get you back?
Oh, don't worry about that.
No, we'll be-- we'll be all right.
Well, the money is not mine to lend.
It belongs to our stockholders and our depositors,
these people out here.
We appreciate your daring,
but we don't do business on a very daring level.
I understand your feeling, but this is not 20 years ago.
You, you're younger than these men.
You ought to know better.
Well, uh... thank you for your time.
It's all right, Trampas.
Trouble is, we ain't far enough west.
Oh. Thank you, ma'am.
You'll get your reward in Heaven.
What is it, another dime?
Yep.
How much that make?
That's $2.24.
Long way from 1200.
I still think old Blanch would have lent us that money
if them other people hadn't been there.
Yeah.
Well, you heard what he said.
It's fascinating.
Well, it's getting on to be about thirsty time.
What do you say we take what we got and go get a drink?
Hey, Jamie, that's posse money.
Yeah, but... a posse's gotta live! Come on!
Hey, uh, you fellows go ahead.
I think I'm gonna try old Blanch one more time.
The bank's near closing. I might do better talking private.
Oh, oh, just a minute.
Uh... here's your share, 56 cents.
We don't want to spend it 'fore you get back.
Come on.
No hard feelings, Mr. Blanch.
Shucks, we know you had to turn us down in front of the customers.
They might have thought you was taking chances with their money.
Yes, they might at that.
But they'd be a sight sorrier if you was to get robbed.
Now, you and me both know that, don't we?
Well, another day, another dollar.
Any reason Sam can't go on home?
No, no, no. I'm just about through here.
You'll stay till I get the money in the safe?
Good night, Sam.
SAM: Good night, Mr. Blanch.
It ain't as if we weren't ever gonna pay it back.
Good night to you too, Mister, uh, Lump.
Oh, oh. Yeah.
Good night, Mr. Blanch.
I see I'm gonna have to make it easier for you.
This way, you can tell the folks
that you had to give me the money,
at the point of a gun.
This is a felony, Lump.
Oh, no, no.
The subject probably won't never come up.
We'll have the stuff back 'fore the money's ever missed.
I ain't stealing the money;
I'm just giving you a good excuse
to lend it to me.
All right, then give me that gun.
No, I can't.
I gotta make it look good, don't you see?
I'll probably have to tie you fellows up for quite a spell
so it'll seem like you was against the idea.
Now, lend me the money.
No, no.
Just-- just enough to outfit the posse.
$1200, you said.
You'll get it all back.
Now, see, that's smart.
This way, you keep your bank from being robbed.
I did not! I never robbered nobody!
I was making a loan! I told 'em that!
There, you see? Now, let him out.
He didn't mean no harm.
Son, that-- that's your Uncle Lump you got in there.
He was caught in the act of robbing a bank, Mr. Dobbs.
He was taking $1200 at gunpoint.
I explained 'em all that!
He is charged with a felony.
He will be given a fair trial,
but he will undoubtedly be convicted.
My guess is he'll get ten years.
What? He was just trying to do the banker a favor!
Mr. Blanch doesn't seem to agree.
Doggone, you people!
I don't know, you-- you just take things so serious!
That's true.
Well, Lump was just trying to do the right thing.
Wasn't ya, Lump? Yeah.
He was doing what you shoulda been doing,
out hunting for them outlaws, instead of--
instead of throwing your posse in jail.
Bird in the hand's worth two in the bush.
'Sides, he done it deliberate.
Grabbed the gun right out of my holster.
I don't think he could have done that if you'd have been watching him.
I was watching him.
Oh, in that case--
Come on, son. Come on. Unlock your Uncle Lump.
You know, it seems to me it'd carry more weight
if all three of us talk to the sheriff.
Well, Jamie's the "talking-est" one.
He figures he can do it,
and if he can't, it can't be did.
What happens to Lump if he can't?
Well, we might get up a petition.
Or take up a collection?
( galloping hoofbeats approach )
Here, take these.
Strap on them hoglegs!
What happened?
We finally talked some sense into that shoe clerk sheriff!
Had some laughs doing it too!
He turned me loose, and he give us all these guns
out of his own office!
It wasn't no trouble getting the horses
once the sheriff set the example.
Look, I'm a deputy!
Yahoo! I told you he was the "talking-est" one!
Come on, mount up! Let's go!
Trampas, didn't I tell you, we are a real posse.
And now all we gotta do.
Wait, wait. Let's not spoil it by talking.
Let's just do it, huh?
All right. Yoohoo!
Hey, Jamie, why they shooting at us?
They're celebrating! Keep going!
I'm kind of disappointed
about Trampas turning back like that.
I worry about that boy.
He's getting a serious streak.
Yeah, thinking we wasn't a real posse
just 'cause we had to lock up the sheriff
to get him to lend us the guns.
And borrowing them horses from in front of the saloon.
When we get this job done,
ain't nobody gonna care how we done it.
You know what we're gonna do?
Then we're gonna have a real big laugh!
Yeah! Ha ha ha!
It's funny Trampas couldn't see that.
Maybe when he gets back
and he tells 'em we's up here on the job,
and just the three of us, maybe we'll get some help.
Suppose?
Yeah. Yeah.
Maybe we ought to build up the fire so they can find us.
That's a good idea.
Even if they don't want to help us catch Scratch and his gang,
they might want to get their stuff back.
Once they're up here, they might as well throw in with us.
Then when we wipe out that Ace in the Hole--
Yeah.
Then you might all have another big laugh.
Well, Lucky, ain't you gonna try it?
No. You got the drop on me again, Scratch.
Hey, how come you fellows ain't down in that hole of yours,
where it's safe?
You mean we ain't safe here?
'Course you ain't.
You're all under arrest.
You see that?
Heard how you got it too.
SCRATCH: We's worried how you might change your minds
when you saw how tough it was to get in and out,
so we come looking for your fire.
How come you know so much?
Remember Sam, from the bank?
Well I'll be doggone.
So now you've met all of us.
Sam's been six months setting it up to do that job
with no fuss or feathers...
then you come along and touch things off.
'Course, meantime, they been doing some mighty fine foraging for us.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There's more horses. There's more guns.
We can always use that kind of stuff.
Especially the remounts. We plan to travel on, see, after we take the bank.
Where you going?
West.
Things are getting too tight around here.
We been noticing that too. You got room for three more?
Unh-unh.
You ain't our type.
No, we're just gonna have some fun with you, boys.
That's what you like, ain't it
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
We ain't mad! Let's just have fun!
Then we're gonna kill you.
Get their guns.
TRAMPAS: First man that moves, I blow off about six heads!
You don't have to aim this blowgun.
When she lets go, she kind of spreads herself around wild,
so you'd better make sure the man next to you don't move too!
Scratch, you ought to see your face!
You swallowed it, bait and all.
I told you he would, didn't I?
If you varmints ever had any friends of your own,
you'd know that friends don't run out on each other.
All right, drop your guns.
Do like he says.
Scratch!
Try me now, Scratch.
Well, if they's any money around here,
they sure got it buried.
Maybe that's why they call this "Ace in the Hole."
Maybe them two that got away come back and got it.
Well, no matter.
We got ourselves about 16 horses and a dozen saddles,
enough guns and ammunition to start a war.
Well, bunch of blankets and tin stuff.
Money or no money, we're way ahead.
Come to think of it, this place being out of bounds
to the law and all, we own the whole shebang.
Hey, that's right!
Hey, Trampas, how 'bout settling down here?
Might be better than going back to town.
What are you talking about?
We's gonna be heroes!
There's gonna be dancing in the streets!
A brass band!
Free lemonade!
Well, I hate to bring this up,
but, well, they still think Lump's a bank robber,
and you, you busted him out of jail.
Yeah.
And, well, they still figure all four of us to be horse thieves.
Yeah, but when they know the real truth,
that we did what we said we was gonna do,
why, it'll be a joke.
They'll be laughing.
Screaming!
Falling down!
LUMP: Putting up statues.
Let's go. I can't wait.
Oh, to see their faces when we come riding into town
all smart and sassy.
Yes, sir. This time, we get the last laugh.
Hey, listen, would you fellows do me a favor?
Why, sure, Trampas. We're partners, ain't we?
We're the Lucky 4.
Well, seeing as how I wasn't in the bank when Lump was,
and I wasn't in the sheriff's office when you were,
let me go into town first, alone.
Why?
Oh, I know.
You want to get some of the glory too.
I just want to make sure they think it's all that glorious
before you fellows turn up.
Well, it's gotta be.
We-- we saved their bank.
Yeah, I know, but let me tell 'em all that.
Then you come riding in.
That way they'll get time enough to get out the brass band.
No, I can't wait.
Listen to me, now! Last time they saw you, they were shooting at you!
They may kill you before they know you're heroes.
I'll take the guns and horses back,
and you watch after the prisoners.
If I'm not back by nightfall...
We come in a hooting and hollering!
No!
Now, you take what you got here and you get outta here,
MAN: Sheriff!
Sheriff, come quick!
Well, looky there.
Bold as brass.
Howdy.
You people got a pretty poor way of showing your gratitude.
Trampas, even if what you say is true,
what your friends did up in those hills was outside the law.
What they did here in town was against the law.
Don't you see that?
And don't you see that they were right?
That gang was planning to rob the bank.
They got Sam's body to prove it.
If so, then they did this town a very big favor.
But being right by accident
doesn't excuse being wrong on purpose.
They weren't wrong!
You'd like to believe that, but you know better.
Now, I'm not saying that your friends are bad men, or vicious,
but they are dangerous, because they're irresponsible.
You mean they don't do things your way.
At least they get 'em done.
No, not just my way.
You ever read this?
It's called The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection,
by Charles Darwin.
No. That's one I missed.
Well, it makes the point that man's survival
depends on his ability to adapt to changes.
Now, your friends won't admit that there's been any changes.
They're still living like-- like there's no yesterday.
Just don't give me any book reasons.
You're still gonna press charges, huh?
Bank-robbing, jail-breaking, stealing guns and horses--
even after you got 'em all back, even after what they done.
Well, what they did might mitigate in their favor,
but, yes, I intend to bring them to trial if I can.
They have to learn. They have to grow up sometime.
Listen...
Ohh, they won't understand.
They think they're heroes,
and everybody's gonna love 'em here.
They might be right, but...
I know, I know.
Let-- let me out of here.
Let me go talk to 'em.
I'll keep 'em from coming back here ever.
We'll just keep moving, see? West.
Their crimes were committed here.
They're wanted here.
They won't bother you anymore!
Please, I-I promise you.
Don't you see? If you keep me locked up here,
it's liable to make things worse,
for them and you both.
They're liable to come riding in here
and try to bust me out, like they did with Lump.
Frankly, that's the only reason I'm holding you.
I'm counting on that.
It's gonna be a breeze.
Nobody around the jail.
I still can't believe they've got him in there.
Ain't no other reason he wouldn't come back.
Maybe he's drunk.
Maybe they're giving him a coming-home party.
Well, if they ain't,
we'll give 'em a coming-out party.
I sure hate to keep doing this.
What else can we do?
It's them that keeps taking the joy out of life.
He's there all right, but the Sheriff ain't.
It's just one deputy.
This'll just take a minute.
Jamie, no! Put 'em back, Jamie!
Jamie, will you get out of here!
Without you? No. Come on, now.
Jamie, the Sheriff's been waiting for you to try this.
Well, then, he didn't wait long enough.
No, Jamie. Ain't nobody outside.
Take us about a two-second run with the horses,
and then we're west!
No, Jamie!
Trampas, will you turn loose of that door?
Hey, come help me, Lump.
Lump! Listen to me, Lump!
Lump, listen to me!
Jamie, you can't do it this way!
Come on.
Please, Jamie! Jamie, please!
Believe me, it's a trap!
Well, then, we'll spring it together.
It's all or none!
No, Jamie, you can't!
Halt!
Stop, or I'll shoot!
Oh, now, Sheriff, ain't you going a little far?
Now, you wouldn't really shoot us.
Don't put it to a test.
Look around you.
Well, I'll be dog.
Now, turn around and go back into jail.
Aww, now I get it.
It's a joke!
They're pulling our legs, turning the tables on us.
That's it.
It's no joke, Jamie.
It ain't?
Well, it sure ought to be.
W
We went up in the hills and cleaned out that rat nest for you.
Well, we could have got ourselves killed for you.
We saved your bank, maybe saved your whole town from getting robbed.
And you-- you stand there ready to shoot us
if we don't go to jail for you.
Now, come on, own up.
If that ain't a joke, I never heard one.
Well, come on, fellows.
Break down and just laugh it off!
We're onto you.
We may laugh about it later, together,
but we're not together yet,
and haven't been,
and right now you're putting another crime between us.
All we ask is that you turn around and go back into the jail,
and surrender yourselves for trial.
Come on, Jamie, that's fair enough. Come along.
Just a minute now. I-I'm not sure that it is.
I've never seen men who couldn't laugh at something funny.
And I ain't sure I'd trust being locked up
by somebody who can't laugh.
Now... come on.
Just laugh a little bit.
Well... uh...
C
Well, at least tell me you see the funny side of it.
Well--
what's the use?
Might as well go on back in the jail.
Right, boys, out the back door!
Jamie, what are you doing?
Come back here! Stop!
Wha'd you do that for?
To keep 'em from following!
Where you going from here, Jamie?
West!
LUMP: You coming?
Jamie!
No.
Why did your friend shoot?
The men in back, that's all they heard.
Better let me go first.
Get out of my way!
Them two will stand trial.
I don't know about the other one.
MAN: Sheriff, we sent for the doctor.
We didn't have no choice, Blade.
Didn't we?
You all right, Trampas?
Sure, Jamie.
Lucky and Lump?
Did they get away?
Clean.
It's-- it's good.
'Cause they'll have fun.
Yeah.
And... what else is there...
...huh, Trampas?
Yeah.
Jamie.
Well, uh... I came back.
Oh
Yeah.
How far?
Oh...
'bout 20 years.