We've got to set it on hold!
Stop, you went passed it.
There is nothing wrong with your television set.
Do not attempt to adjust the picture.
We are controlling transmission.
We will control the horizontal.
We will control the vertical.
We can change the focus to a soft blur
or sharpen it to crystal clarity.
For the next hour, sit quietly,
and we will control all that you see and hear.
You are about to participate in a great adventure.
You are about to experience the awe and mystery
which reaches from the inner mind to...
Who has not seen
the dark corners of great cities,
where small and shabby creatures
wander without purpose
in the secret corners of the night.
Without purpose?
There are those whose purpose reaches
far beyond our wildest dreams.
Oh, good. You've made it.
Did you have a nice trip?
Horrible.
Well, the service at these outposts
isn't always very good.
How long did it take you?
11 microseconds.
Well, that's not bad.
It's only 11 million miles.
It's supposed to be instantaneous.
When I first came here, it took me a full minute.
How do you stand it?
Outpost duty would drive me mad.
Especially in the dregs of the universe planet
like this one.
Atmosphere polluted with microbes
and exhaust fumes,
not to mention human beings
jabbering and jostling. Yecch!
Well, I suppose we caretakers
are really hermits at heart.
We get into a little hole in the wall
and send in our reports
year in, year out, you know.
I must confess
I was a little bit nervous when I heard
that control center was sending down
a senior inspector.
Oh, yes.
Here are my credentials.
Oh, my.
It must have taken a very superior intelligence
to get a rating like this.
May I examine yours, please?
Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
"N to the tenth power, cubed minus omega."
You were born the martian satellite of Deimos,
220 years ago.
Credited caretaker.
Assigned to outpost duty on planet earth. Mm-hmm.
Yes, yours is cube root of pi sigma,
but I'm afraid I can't work that out in my head.
If you don't mind, I'll take your word for it.
I was born on the martian satellite Phobos
208 years ago.
Senior inspector, solar system.
Control center told me
that I was to give you 100% cooperation.
They said something about a controlled experiment.
I brought some very special equipment with me
to use in direct observation.
It's a miniaturized temporal condenser.
It squeezes time.
Isn't that very dangerous?
Oh, very. That's why they sent me.
It has to be used very sparingly
and with great precision.
Otherwise, you can rip a hole
in the space-time continuum
and release negative matter.
But why do they send such powerful equipment
to a tenth rate planet like earth?
Due to your reports on atomic energy.
Ever since the earth creatures started
to explode atomic particles,
central control has become very uneasy.
Oh, but it's nothing.
They only use it to blow each other up.
Well, that's exactly
what interests central control:
This process of earth creatures
destroying each other.
This, um, what is it called? Um...
Killing?
No, no. That includes animals.
Um...
Murder.
Oh, murder. Yes, of course.
It's so extraordinary I can never remember it.
Yes...
Deliberate obliteration.
It's so fantastic,
happens only here on this weird little planet.
Nowhere else in the entire galaxy.
Well, it doesn't matter, really.
They only murder each other.
Oh, what if it becomes an epidemic?
What if it proves to be contagious?
What if they start using these atomic explosions
to murder each other?
You see, Mars does not want earth to overheat.
We can't afford to have a new supernova
radiating everything to a crisp.
Tell me, are you going to...
Destroy the source?
We would prefer not to.
After all, earth creatures,
they are a form of life,
even if they are unspeakable.
No, I'm going to conduct a controlled experiment
to determine the exact nature
of this phenomenon... Murder.
If it turns out to be random
and, therefore, relatively harmless,
except, of course, for the victims,
then we should probably let it go.
But if it proves to be contagious,
a tendency to spread and malignant,
well, then, I'm afraid we shall have to close down
and find you another outpost.
What is that?
Oh, it's just one of them. He wants in.
Well, I'll hide behind these coats.
No, it's not necessary.
He'll think you're just another customer.
No, but I'm not entirely used to them,
and I would like to observe.
Perhaps you'd loan me your communicator.
I'd like to report my observations
to central control.
Yes, yes. By all means.
Thank you.
Central control, this is Phobos One
reporting from planet earth.
And am now in earth planet outpost station
where an earth creature has just entered.
Skull is of medium size
containing about 3,000 CCs of so-called brain matter.
Ears flat, lying back against the head.
No appreciable points.
No antenna of any kind,
but sensory receptor openings
in the snout portion
and a set of small beady eyes.
Oh, it's starting to speak.
What do you say, Charlie?
Sorry, Mac, we're closed.
So how come you let me in?
What do you got?
I got a rebuilt worth 40 bucks.
Huh. Nothin' doin'.
Um... well, I'll let you have it for 30.
5.
Aw...
25?
Uh-uh.
OK. OK, 20 bucks.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'll give you 25.
15.
You'll take it?
Yeah, sure. It's a good machine, ain't it?
Well, yeah. Sure.
All right.
There's your money.
There's your ticket.
What's goin' on around here?
What do you wanna do? You wanna call off the deal?
Oh, no. No. 25 bucks.
Hmm...
You are a good daddy.
I'll be seein' ya.
Yeah.
Transaction completed.
Earth creature is now departing.
Phobos One, locking receiver on standby.
Ooh.
Ah!
We usually don't pay them so much.
They'd trample the place down.
I just wanted to get him out of here.
I was starting to black out.
Well, you built up a tolerance to it after a while.
It's the same with the coffee and cigarettes.
Oh, that's the caffeine and nicotine syndrome,
isn't it?
Yes.
As a matter of fact,
I have some here.
These...
Are cigarettes.
Cigarettes.
Yes. And over here, I have some coffee perking.
"Perking"?
Yes. Look here,
why don't you come back and try some?
Well, I don't know, uh...
It is intensely interesting.
There you are.
Now, uh...
First, a puff.
Puff.
Then a sip, and that's all you need.
Mmm.
It is quite stimulating.
Oh...
Better not go too far first time out.
Hmm.
Now, let's get down to business.
Um...
Contact martian computer control.
Probability division.
Probability division?
That sound like top priority.
Yes, um,
they've been processing the population
of this city for over a week now.
There we are.
This is frequency computer control.
You better speak to them.
Martian computer control, this is Phobos One
assigned to operation: Earth.
I have double-alpha priority with probability division.
Please give me instructions.
Martian computer control
probability division speaking.
You are to go to longitude 7
point 1-6-3-7.
Latitude 1-7-3 point 1-7-6-1.
Grid 6, overlay 13.
Our analysis of patterns
indicates a 99% probability
that a murder will take place
at 2324 hours, 7131 seconds,
1.131721 micro-seconds, sidereal time scale.
We regret unable
to pinpoint this event more accurately,
but we suggest that if you are present
at the indicated location
at the indicated time,
you will probably see someone kill someone.
Did you get the location?
Yes.
The lobby of the Lookstel Hotel.
That's 2 blocks from here and not a first-class hotel.
2324 hours, 7131 seconds,
1.131721 micro-seconds.
That's exactly 7 minutes earth time.
Martian computer control, this is Phobos One.
Will you notify central control
that we are on our way to the scene of a crime?
This is Phobos One,
locking receiving channel on standby.
Hurry.
Is she the victim?
I don't think so.
She's out of position
by about 7 feet, 6 and 4/100 of an inch.
Oh.
Is it the Bell Captain?
Perhaps, if he moves this way.
No, it looks like to me it's going to be
someone getting out of a levitator.
Uh, elevator.
Oh, thank you.
If the victim's coming out of the elevator,
then, obviously, that young lady
has something to do with it.
Better get identification.
Put a thought beam on her.
Locate her verbal centers and get her name.
I'm getting her now.
Oh, my.
You rotten, girl-chasing rat!
Nobody can pitch a foul ball at this cookie
and walk away on 2 feet.
Did you get her name?
Uh, she's greatly agitated.
We must have positive identification of subjects.
This is a controlled experiment.
Where's your science?
You've been down here too long.
I can hardly get a word in edgewise.
Then cut in right now!
We have only 30 seconds to zero.
Excuse me, my dear,
but what's your name?
That's no way to probe identity.
Give me that. State your name.
Yes, sir, buddy boy,
you've got some tall explaining...
What?
What's my name got to do with it?
I must be losing my marbles.
What is my name?
Carla. Carla Duveen.
Uh, thank you, my dear.
You're welcome.
Welcome?
Yes, sir, I am cracking up.
All over the joint in a thousand pieces.
That's what he's done to me.
Handing me a full-scale nervous breakdown.
It's time for countdown.
Ahem. Recording tapes on.
Uh, yes, sir.
Just say affirmative, please.
Laser-beam monitor channel open.
Uh, yes...
Uh, affirmative, sir.
Here we go.
10,
9,
8,
7,
6,
5,
4,
3,
2,
1,
Zero.
Bert Hamil!
Carla!
You're a two-faced, no good,
black hearted two-timer!
Don't shoot!
Don't come begging to me!
Take that!
Is that all there is to it?
That's it.
But it happened so fast.
I couldn't make head or tail of it.
Well, it always happens that way.
One of them gets upset with the other,
and, uh, and...
Boom.
But there must be some scientific explanation.
Well, you've got the time converter.
Why... why not run it back?
I'll turn it back to countdown.
Uh, stand back and close your eyes.
Every atom in this beam
is going to disintegrate and reassemble.
Well, I can see why
it should be used sparingly.
Recording tapes on.
Oh...
Affirmative.
Laser-beam monitor.
Affirmative.
10,
9,
8,
7,
6,
5,
4,
3,
2,
1,
Zero.
Bert Hamil!
Carla!
You're a two-faced, no good,
black-hearted two-timer.
Don't shoot.
Don't come begging to me!
Take that!
I can't make anything out of it.
Well, there's nothing to make.
It's their way of life.
Bang. You're dead.
But there must be some way to get a semblance
of cause and effect out of it.
I mean, the way they go at it,
it's just a random collision.
That's it.
Deimos, you're forgetting that you're a martian.
There's a scientific law
underlining all physical phenomena.
You've got to admit that's physical.
Drilling each other with holes.
Yes, it is,
but what are you going to do?
Run it backwards.
But won't that put a hole
in the space-time continuum?
This is the infinite-permutations model.
It runs forwards, backwards, twists,
warps...
Braids.
Really?
The only danger is...
Wearing out the sample area.
Uh, stand back.
I'm going to reverse the electron spin.
Any clues?
I'm observing the spectators.
Oh, yes.
They're known as innocent bystanders.
It's a tradition.
Each one tells
a different version of what happened.
I can't make out the words.
Of course not. It's, uh...
It's reverse English.
Oh, well, it's no use. It goes too quickly.
There's only one way to observe it properly.
Well, you're not going to slow it down?
I most certainly am.
This is a controlled experiment,
and I intend to control it.
There's only one way to get to the bottom of this.
We're going to conduct
a precise scientific examination.
Now stand back.
I'm reversing the spin
and slowing down to point 7.
Countdown.
10...
We'll be here all night.
I just hope the atoms don't start cooling.
Could it slow down to a stop?
Possible, not probable.
9...
Well, can't you speed it up
just to bring the elevator down?
I want to examine the young lady.
Oh, well, you can't go out there.
Don't worry. We're on different wavelengths.
8...
But won't the converter slow you down?
No, it only coverts during the flash.
From then on it maintains a steady state.
My atoms will slip in between the slower ones.
It's like running through a slow revolve.
7...
They won't see you?
No, of course not.
Their brains and senses pulse too slowly.
They may experience a slight sensation like a thin fog,
but they won't notice it.
6...
I'll stay here.
Good. Keep an eye on the dials.
Let me know when the countdown hits ground zero.
Mmm.
Deimos?
Yes, sir?
Watch the dials carefully.
I'm going to try to pick up the murder weapon.
She won't notice
if it disappears for a few seconds,
but it might be hard to handle.
As the atoms change speed,
they get slippery.
If you notice any temperature change
above the red line, call out.
You understand?
Affirmative.
4...
Oh...
What a primitive mechanism.
No transistors, no rays.
It just ignites.
Squirts a blob of lead out of the nozzle.
Oh, and she seems to have, uh...
Quite a few certificates.
That's their currency.
I use it at the outpost.
3...
Annuit coeptis novus ordo seclorum.
What does that mean?
It's a dead language.
Latin.
They use it to impress each other.
And what is this bird holding the vegetation?
Uh, nesting materials. Symbol of the home. 2...
And this brick pyramid?
Also symbol of the home.
But it's got one eye looking out of it?
Symbol of the homeowner.
1...
Who's the old lady?
It's an old man.
What does it all mean?
Who knows?
Lobby. Zero.
Ugh, microbes.
He doesn't seem to expect to meet anyone.
Oh, I... I wouldn't stand in the way of the bullet.
It'll go right through me.
Well, of course, you know
all it takes is one electron
knocking into a nucleus
and you might go up in a chain reaction.
Deimos, please. I'm in charge.
I always observe maximum safety regulations.
Yes, sir.
What's she doing?
Talking. Slow motion.
Those shocks must be air waves.
Certainly has long, sharp teeth.
That red coloring looks artificial.
It's a blend of sheep-fattened perfume.
They call it lipstick.
Do be careful. She's going to shoot any second.
Now what sort of expression would you call that?
Nervous.
How odd.
He has some of that lip coloring on his collar.
Why would he put it there?
Look out. She's going to shoot.
Did you see the bullet?
No, it went by too fast.
Let's run that back.
I still can't see the pellet.
What are you going to do?
Slow it down.
Clear down.
All the way.
Oh, but you won't let it stop, will you?
If I'd want it to stop I'd turn on the atomic power.
It has to be on maximum hold,
or the electrons fall apart.
I'm going down to element one velocity for 3 seconds.
Oh, you are?
There! I saw it!
Hardly worth the effort, I'd say.
Deimos, we're not going to find out what the causes are
by standing here staring.
We've got to dig in.
But how?
You are going to make some chemical tests.
Find out if it's caused
by some substance in the bloodstream.
Well, suppose that doesn't work. Then...
I am going to analyze their psyches.
Take that!
And what did your mother do then?
Mommy spanked me and put me to bed.
And that made you angry at Mommy?
No. At Daddy.
At Daddy?
Yes. Because he let Mommy spank me.
I can't make anything out of it.
There's nothing here, either.
The only chemical change is a flow of adrenaline
caused by shock.
There is one thought wave
that stands out above all the others.
The name of a female...
Evidently an associate of the male's.
Quite a long name, so I jotted it down.
Two-bit floozy Betty Lou.
The first 3 words are adjectives describing
a reactive condition to Betty Lou.
Ahh. There's only one problem.
Problem?
He doesn't know anyone named Betty Lou.
I analyzed him clear down to the Medulla Oblongata.
Jane, Joyce, Gloria, Mabel...
It goes on for 3 full rolls of microfilm.
At least he's partly right.
He did have another female associate.
How do you know?
Lipstick on his collar.
You mean one of them placed it there deliberately?
Oh, it's a famous clue.
It appears in murder after murder.
Pack up your kit.
Where are we going?
I'm going to run him up in the elevator,
and we're going with him.
But one of us has to stay here
and work the time converter.
We'll set it on automatic.
It'll reverse at any point we pre-set it.
Hmm. Good thing we checked.
It's overheating from holding the electrons in one place.
It won't blow up, will it?
Not at normal speeds.
We've got to set it on hold!
Stop. You went past it.
Tsk.
Quick, get in the elevator!
It's set to start in 10 seconds and reverse back at 0-6-1.
What is he doing?
He's kissing her.
Well, what is she doing?
She's kissing him back.
What does it all mean?
They all do it. Every chance they get.
Oh, quick.
Before it reverses, tune in on her name.
I beg your pardon, miss, but would you mind...
Uh, I... I hate to intrude, but state your name.
Oh, Bert. Bert, ohh.
Ooh. Ooh. My name is Arlene.
Ooh... Schnabel.
Oh, Bertie!
Ah, Schnabel.
Well, one thing is clear. This is not Betty Lou.
Therefore it has no connection with the murder downstairs.
Do you suppose the converter got stuck?
No. There it goes now.
Are you all right?
Yes. It's a good thing
we're not in the same space-time continuum.
Tell me, are they kissing forward or backward?
It's hard to tell.
Deimos, I hate to admit it,
but this thing has me completely baffled.
Well, all due respect, sir,
there's really nothing to it.
The only scientific law that applies
to kissing and shooting
is the principle of uncertainty.
But it can't be completely random.
It has no symmetry. It's...
Yes, but one gets used to the eccentricities.
One even gets rather fond of them.
Fond? What is fond?
Well, fond is, uh... It's a feeling.
Deimos, pull yourself together.
Yes, sir.
I will not admit defeat!
There is an answer to this,
and pure science will find it.
Oh. Finished. We're off.
Phobos! Quick! The elevator!
Oh, right.
That was a close one.
You better have one of these.
What for?
Ooh, they're very soothing to the nerves.
I shall need some caffeine to wash it down with.
Sir, I don't want to say anything,
but we are slowing down.
Oh, that's all right. I set it at half-speed.
Deimos, I've got it.
This experiment is too controlled.
The only way we can find out
the reason why they exterminate each other
is to interfere.
Interfere?
Mmm. Knock the isolated sample off the time track.
But you'd have to get permission from control center, sir.
No. We'd only alter it a little bit.
But it's against regulations.
You might unravel the entire universe.
Nonsense. We've got to do something radical.
Yes...
Divert the sequence.
Please, sir, don't interfere.
Central control will take me off caretaker duty.
They'll send me to an asteroid.
Please, sir, I don't want to leave earth.
Stop sniveling, Deimos.
I'm not going to hurt anyone.
I just want to see what happens
if there's no murder at all.
Oh, no murder? That'd be lovely.
Watch out. She's firing the pellets.
Missed him by 6 feet.
Now, let's run it up to forward normal.
You don't have to try and scare me, Carla.
I know I've been wrong.
Wrong?
I admit I... I went out with another woman.
You admit it?
I had to test my feelings, Carla.
I had to find out if I was just playing a game
or if I really loved you.
And I can tell you true, darling...
No other woman can come up to your shoetops.
Oh, come on, Bert.
You know how I get when you look at me like that.
You're all I want. All I care about.
But... What are you doing?
I'm asking you to marry me.
What's he asking her?
He's asking her to marry him.
It's part of the biochemical pattern.
It's their primitive equivalent
of our genetic selector machines.
It's hard to see the logic in that.
A moment ago, she was shooting him.
It's a reflex.
Aww. Every chance they get.
Yes, it's harmless.
It's... it's not going to blow up, is it?
No. That's an emergency signal from control center.
Is the recording tape on?
Yes. Oh, affirmative.
We'd better contact them.
Give me the communicator.
Control center?
This is Phobos One calling from earth.
We've received an emergency signal
on temporal converter unit.
Please advise. Over.
This is martian control center.
Tape of your experiment relayed through computers
indicates double-a red alert emergency.
Probability division will give you instructions.
Stand by.
Double-a red alert emergency?
Why, that's the highest priority in the galaxy.
Received you loud and clear.
Standing by.
Phobos One, you have exceeded your authority.
You have tampered with a temporal sequence.
The space-time continuum may be permanently damaged.
Oh, but, sir, all I did was
to tap a lead pellet out of its trajectory.
Fatal error. Repeat, fatal error.
Computers predict major disaster.
Disaster? How?
Male and female are now together.
They marry and produce male child.
Father tells child of miraculous escape.
Child grows up, believes it's immortal.
Child enters politics, becomes dictator.
Starts atomic war in belief it cannot be killed.
Atomic chain reactions explode atmosphere,
blow up planet earth.
Radiation affects entire solar system.
Destroys ecologic balance of galaxy.
Galaxy collides with Andromeda.
Computers unable to predict beyond this point
due to overheating.
But, sir, I can assure you,
it all looks perfectly harmless from down here.
Pull yourself together, Phobos One.
This is double-a red alert emergency.
Your orders are as follows...
Put it back the way it was!
Let her shoot him?
Affirmative.
But it's not fair.
The orders are to see that she shoots him.
Yes, but... ah!
Ahem. Probability center,
this is Phobos One.
Orders received and will be carried out to the letter.
We shall see to it that she shoots him.
Proceeding at once.
Phobos One locking receiver on standby.
Do you think we can get away with it?
The orders are to see that she shoots him.
Now, when I start it forward, you hold it on slow motion.
It's starting to smoke.
Well, it has been through rather a strain.
What about the recording tapes
and the laser beam monitor?
Jam it with a little static.
They'll think it's the overload.
Ready? Here we go.
Now, jam in the static.
Ah.
Now... Deimos, you're a witness.
She shot him.
Indeed, sir. Shot him dead center.
Now, we must turn it back to forward speed normal.
Control center, this is Phobos One.
We put the experiment back.
Shooting accomplished as ordered.
Victim now on floor.
Turn off the recording tapes and the monitor.
I'll complete my report.
Yes... Affirmative, sir.
You don't have to scare me, Carla.
I know that I've been wrong.
I admit I... I went out with another woman.
You admit it?
Well, I had to test my feelings, Carla.
I had to find out if I was just playing a game
or if I really loved you.
And I can tell you true, darling...
No other woman can come up to your shoetops.
Oh, come on, Bert.
You know how I get when you look at me like that.
You're all I want. All I care about.
But... What are you doing?
I'm asking you to marry me.
Aw. Tsk. Every chance they get.
It's harmless.
This is Phobos One.
Temporal converter unit burnt out.
Regret to report controlled experiment
unable to discover rhyme or reason
for earth creatures obliterating each other.
Result suggests random action with no pattern.
Recommend continuation of earth as planet.
Also recommend permanent assignment
of inspector to earth caretaker post.
You're going to stay?
Phobos One locking receiver on standby.
Yes, Deimos...
Yes, I think I'm going to stay.
I'm getting rather... Fond of it.
I, uh, I have something for you.
Oh, no, thank you. I, uh...
I have my own.
Well, I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
Will you really?
Yes. delightful.
Who knows?
Perhaps the alteration of one small event
may someday bring the end of the world.
But that someday is a long way off,
and until then, there is a good life to be lived
in the here and now.
We now return control of your television set to you
until next week at this same time,
when the control voice will take you to...