Downloaded from YTS.MX
[The Beach Boys' The Monkey's Uncle]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
* UH-HUH, SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, YEAH, YEAH *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, WHOA, WHOA *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S APE FOR ME *
* WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* CALL US A COUPLE OF MISSING LINKS *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* LOVE ALL HIS MONKEYSHINES * * WHOO OOH OOH
* EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE'S
* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE
* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S APE FOR ME *
* APE FOR ME
* UH-HUH, SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, YEAH, YEAH *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, WHOA, WHOA *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S APE FOR ME *
* WE KISS AND MY HEART JUMPS LIKE A CLOWN *
(Beach Boys) THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* FEELS LIKE THE CIRCUS JUST CAME TO TOWN *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* I'D LIVE IN A JUNGLE GYM * * WHOO OOH OOH
* IN ORDER TO BE WITH HIM *
* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE
* AND I WISH I WERE THE MONKEY'S AUNT *
* MONKEY'S AUNT
[guitar solo]
* WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA *
* ON THE DAY HE MARRIES ME *
* WHAT A NUTTY FAMILY TREE
* A BRIDE
* A GROOM, A CHIMPANZEE
(Jennifer) HE'S THE BOOBY PRIZE *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* HE'S THE GUY I IDOLIZE
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *
* LOVE ALL HIS MONKEYSHINES * * WHOO OOH OOH
* EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE'S
* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE
* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S APE FOR ME *
* APE FOR ME
* UH-HUH, SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, YEAH, YEAH *
* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, WHOA, WHOA *
* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE
* AND I'M MAD ABOUT HIS CHIMPANZEE *
[applause]
YOUR NAME IS MERLIN JONES,
AND YOU'RE A STUDENT AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.
YES, YOUR HONOR.
MR. JONES, YOU REALIZE
THIS IS A MOST UNUSUAL ADOPTION PETITION.
YES, YOUR HONOR, I DO.
IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU DON'T HAVE
THE WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE NATURAL PARENTS.
WELL, I-I CAN'T GET THAT, SIR.
ARE THEY ALIVE?
THEY MAY BE. IF THEY ARE, THEY'RE SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA.
AND IN THE SECOND PLACE,
[chuckling] WELL, YOU, THE ADOPTING PARENT,
A-ARE AN UNMARRIED MALE.
THAT'S CORRECT, SIR.
AND IN THE THIRD PLACE,
THERE'S, UH, NO PRECEDENT FOR ADOPTING A CHIMPANZEE.
I KNOW THAT, YOUR HONOR.
(Judge Holmsby) TELL ME, WHY ARE YOU SO ANXIOUS TO ADOPT THIS CHIMPANZEE?
TO GIVE HIM THE ADVANTAGES OF A GOOD HOME.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADOPT HIM
TO GIVE HIM A NICE CLEAN CAGE
AND A BUNCH OF BANANAS.
[laughter] YOUR HONOR, I WANT STANLEY TO HAVE MORE THAN THAT.
I WANT HIM TO HAVE A STIMULATING ENVIRONMENT.
I WANT HIM TO HAVE A CHANCE
TO REALIZE HIS FULL INTELLECTUAL POSSIBILITIES.
YES, I REMEMBER.
UH, YOU BELIEVE THAT CHIMPS
CAN BE TRAINED TO THINK LIKE HUMANS.
YES, SIR.
I BELIEVE THAT STANLEY CAN BE TAUGHT TO WORK AND THINK
ON A COLLEGE-STUDENT LEVEL.
WELL, THAT SEEMS REASONABLE.
I KNOW COLLEGE STUDENTS
WHO WORK AND THINK ON A CHIMPANZEE LEVEL.
[laughter]
(Merlin) YES, SIR.
AND IF STANLEY HAD LEGAL STATUS, HE'D BE PROTECTED.
PEOPLE COULDN'T BE COMPLAINING OR PHONING THE POLICE
ABOUT HIM LIVING IN THE HOUSE AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
WILL THE YOUNG LADY WHO TESTIFIED
AS A CHARACTER WITNESS FOR MR. JONES
PLEASE COME FORWARD?
YOU TESTIFIED THAT MERLIN JONES IS OF GOOD CHARACTER
AND IS A SOBER AND INDUSTRIOUS CITIZEN.
YES, SIR, HE IS.
DO YOU BELIEVE
THAT HE WILL GIVE STANLEY EVERY CARE AND AFFECTION?
OH, MERLIN IS VERY AFFECTIONATE.
[laughter] OH.
I MEAN, HE'S VERY RESPONSIBLE,
AND I'M SURE HE'LL SEE
THAT STANLEY GETS LOTS OF CARE AND AFFECTION.
THANK YOU.
UH, MR. JONES, UH...
AFTER DUE CONSIDERATION OF THIS MATTER,
I HAVE REACHED MY DECISION.
UH, THE PETITION FOR FORMAL ADOPTION AS PRESENTED
IS HEREWITH DENIED.
HOWEVER, IT IS NOT NOW, NOR EVER,
THE INTENTION OF THIS COURT
TO STIFLE THE ACADEMIC FREEDOM OF THIS COMMUNITY.
MR. JONES, TO PROVIDE YOU WITH THE PROPER STATUS
WITHIN WHICH STANLEY'S MENTAL CAPACITIES
MAY BE BROUGHT TO FULL FLOWER,
I AM PERSUADED THAT SOME FORM
OF CONDITIONAL GUARDIANSHIP MAY BE IN ORDER.
SO, HENCEFORTH, YOU WILL BE REGARDED
IN THE EYES OF THIS COURT
AND ARE SO APPOINTED AS THE MONKEY'S UNCLE.
OH, THANK YOU, SIR!
BUT HE'S NOT A MONKEY, SIR. HE'S A CHIMP.
OH, YES, YES, OF COURSE, A CHIMP.
[chattering]
[laughter]
UH, ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!
[laughter continues]
OH, UH, BAILIFF, NEXT PETITION, PLEASE.
UH...
OH, STANLEY. YOU'RE CIVILIZED NOW, STANLEY,
WHICH MEANS THAT THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN JUST EATING AND SLEEPING AND WATCHING WESTERNS.
[channel changes]
THERE, THAT'S BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY.
IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN COWBOYS AND INDIANS, ISN'T IT?
[Beethoven's Symphony No. 5]
*
[yawns]
[uptempo music]
*
NO, STANLEY,
THE IDEA IS TO EXPOSE YOU TO INTELLECTUAL INFLUENCES.
[channel changes]
THAT'S BETTER, ISN'T IT?
[Beethoven's Symphony No. 5]
YOU TIRED, SON?
OF COURSE YOU ARE. IT'S LATE.
COME ON, STANLEY, IT'S BEDTIME.
*
THERE YOU GO.
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY FOR YOU, HASN'T IT?
[TV turns off]
NO, STANLEY, YOU'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING.
WE BRUSH OUR TEETH BEFORE WE GO TO BED.
THAT'S A GOOD BOY, STANLEY.
ALL RIGHT, STANLEY.
NOW, YOU SEE, THIS IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.
THE OTHER ONE'S MINE.
FIRST THING WE DO IS SQUEEZE OUT THE TOOTHPASTE ON THE BRUSH,
LIKE THIS.
AND THEN WE BRUSH OUR TEETH.
NOW, OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
THAT'S GOOD. NOW, WE BRUSH UP AND DOWN.
UP AND DOWN, YOU SEE?
THAT'S A GOOD BOY.
THAT'S VERY GOOD, STANLEY, UP AND DOWN.
[doorbell rings]
THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR. YOU KEEP BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.
[chattering]
JENNIFER.
WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SURPRISED?
YOU'RE TAKING ME TO A MOVIE, REMEMBER?
BUT I-I MADE THAT DATE BEFORE I BECAME STANLEY'S UNCLE.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T GO OUT ANYMORE.
[chattering]
BUT, JENNIFER, YOU HEARD WHAT JUDGE HOLMSBY SAID.
I HAVE TO GIVE STANLEY CARE AND AFFECTION.
THE MOST DEVOTED PARENTS IN THE WORLD
GET BABYSITTERS AND GO OUT OCCASIONALLY.
LEAVE STANLEY WITH A SITTER? I COULDN'T DO THAT.
THERE'S LOTS OF GIRLS AT SCHOOL WHO DO SITTING,
AND THEY'RE VERY COMPETENT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL PUT STANLEY TO BED,
AND THEN WE CAN GO OUT IN THE YARD AND TALK.
MERLIN, STOP FUSSING.
YOU TAKE A BEAST FRESH OUT OF THE JUNGLE, AND YOU--
JEN. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
PLEASE DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD AROUND STANLEY.
WHAT WORD, JUNGLE?
[whispering] SHH! HE MIGHT HEAR YOU.
MERLIN, YOU'RE BEING ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS
ABOUT THAT CHIMP.
RIDICULOUS, AM I?
JUST LET ME SHOW YOU THE PROGRESS HE'S MADE.
[Stanley chattering loudly] OH!
[chattering continues]
PROGRESS?
WELL, NOW, HERE'S A NICE GLASS OF WATER
IN CASE YOU GET THIRSTY.
AND IN CASE YOU GET HUNGRY--
MERLIN, YOU'RE SPOILING HIM.
JEN, PLEASE, LET'S NOT QUARREL IN FRONT OF HIM.
UNCLE MERLIN IS TREATING STANLEY LIKE A LITTLE BABY, ISN'T HE?
[chattering softly] BUT STANLEY'S REALLY A BIG, GROWN-UP BOY.
PUT THESE ON HIS HEAD.
ONE HERE AND ONE HERE AND ONE HERE.
CURLERS?
STANLEY, ISN'T THIS EXCITING?
TOMORROW MORNING WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
YOU'LL BE THE ONLY CURLY-TOP CHIMP IN THE WORLD.
THAT'S NOT THE IDEA AT ALL.
I'M PREPARING HIM FOR A LITTLE SLEEP LEARNING.
SLEEP LEARNING?
YOU MEAN WHERE THEY PUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO LEARN ON A RECORD,
AND YOU LET IT PLAY ALL NIGHT WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP,
AND THE NEXT MORNING YOU KNOW IT?
UH-UH, THAT'S THE OLD SLEEP LEARNING.
I'VE GOT A NEW IDEA.
YOU SEE, I BYPASS THE EAR ENTIRELY,
AND BY BONE CONDUCTION, I PIPE IT THROUGH THE LEARNING CENTERS
IN THE TEMPORAL LOBES AND THE PRECENTRAL GYRUS
DIRECT INTO HIS UNCONSCIOUS.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL, STANLEY?
I'VE RECORDED THESE RECORDS FOR HIM TO LEARN.
12 EASY LESSONS IN CIVILIZATION.
HE'LL HAVE A LOT OF STUDYING TO DO.
THIS TIMER WILL START THE RECORD AS SOON AS HE'S ASLEEP.
THEN HE'LL BEGIN TO LEARN THE MANY SIMPLE LITTLE THINGS
THAT ADD UP TO BEING CIVILIZED.
THINGS YOU AND I DO WITHOUT EVEN THINKING OF THEM.
GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.
GOOD NIGHT.
AND GOOD LUCK.
[chattering]
[Merlin on record player] WHEN THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS, TURN IT OFF,
GET OUT OF BED,
TURN ON THE COFFEE,
PUT OUT THE CAT,
TAKE A SHOWER AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH.
NOW WAKE ME UP.
[ticking]
[alarm ringing]
(Merlin) WHEN THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS, TURN IT OFF.
GET OUT OF BED.
TURN ON THE COFFEE.
[chattering]
(Merlin's voice) PUT OUT THE CAT.
[meows]
(Merlin) TAKE A SHOWER AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH.
[screaming]
[chattering]
[water running]
[door opens]
[chattering]
(Merlin) NOW WAKE ME UP.
[chattering]
[chattering loudly]
(Merlin) WAKE ME UP.
[chattering]
(Merlin) WAKE ME UP.
[chattering loudly] [spits]
YOU DID IT, STANLEY. YOU DID IT.
YOU CARRIED OUT YOUR ASSIGNMENTS.
GOOD BOY! [laughs]
YOU'LL BE THE SMARTEST CHIMP IN MIDVALE, HUH?
AREN'T YOU, STANLEY? SMARTEST CHIMP IN MIDVALE.
[laughing]
SORRY, I'M LATE, GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, JUDGE.
MR. DEARBORNE HAS BEEN TELLING US ONCE AGAIN
ABOUT OUR TROUBLESOME PROBLEM--
STUDENTS CHEATING ON EXAMINATIONS.
PARTICULARLY FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
ALL RIGHT, DEARBORNE, WE KNOW YOU DON'T APPROVE OF FOOTBALL.
I HAVE, THEREFORE, ASKED PROFESSOR SHATTUCK
TO GIVE US A REPORT ON THE SUBJECT.
PROFESSOR SHATTUCK
SPECIALIZES IN CHEATING ON EXAMINATIONS.
[clearing throat, grumbling]
I MEAN, PROFESSOR SHATTUCK IS AN EXPERT
ON THE SUBJECT OF CHEATING ON EXAMS.
[chuckles] PROFESSOR.
I, UH, WOULD LIKE TO ASSURE MR. DEARBORNE
THAT EVERY TIME A STUDENT
DEVELOPS A NEW METHOD OF CHEATING,
A NEW TECHNIQUE OF CRIBBING,
OUR SECURITY CORPS WILL DEVELOP A NEW DEFENSE AGAINST IT.
WE'VE COME A LONG WAY
SINCE HUGO DRIBBLE WAS EXPELLED FROM MIDVALE, MR. DEARBORNE.
REMEMBER HUGO?
HE WAS IN OUR CLASS-- A GREAT HALFBACK.
HE WAS GREAT AT STEALING THE SIGNALS OF THE OTHER TEAM.
DRIBBLE USED THE CLASSIC AND SOMEWHAT OUTDATED METHOD
OF WRITING THE INFORMATION HE NEEDED ON HIS CUFFS.
HE WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT BY AN INSTRUCTOR
WHO SNEAKED UP ON HIM WEARING TENNIS SHOES.
WAS HUGO REELECTED TO THE SENATE AGAIN THIS YEAR?
YOU KNOW, DEARBORNE, HE'S PRESIDENTIAL TIMBER.
ELMER TEPPET'S CONTRIBUTION
WAS A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH IN THE FIELD OF CRIBBING.
NOW, HERE WE HAVE...
A PEN AND INK MADE OF VEGETABLE COLORING
AND ORDINARY CHEWING GUM.
TEPPET WROTE THE INFORMATION HE NEEDED
ON THE STICK OF GUM
AND PLACED IT ON HIS DESK DURING THE EXAMS.
WHEN THE INSTRUCTOR BECAME SUSPICIOUS
AND APPROACHED TO INVESTIGATE,
TEPPET MERELY DESTROYED THE EVIDENCE.
A RESOURCEFUL FELLOW.
THEY DON'T MAKE QUARTERBACKS LIKE HIM ANYMORE.
IT TOOK THREE YEARS TO CATCH UP WITH ELMER TEPPET,
BUT WE FINALLY DID IT.
HE WAS EXPELLED--
JUST BEFORE THE BIG GAME WITH RANDALL.
YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD MEMORY, JUDGE.
WE CERTAINLY MISSED HIM. LOST 42-0 THAT YEAR.
IN CONCLUSION, GENTLEMEN,
LET ME ASSURE YOU
THAT AS NEW SUPER CRIBS ARE DEVELOPED,
WE WILL CREATE SUPER TECHNIQUES FOR DETECTING THEM.
THANK YOU.
I PROPOSE
WE ABOLISH FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.
OH, NO, NOT THAT AGAIN.
EVERY TIME WE HAVE A PROBLEM,
YOUR SOLUTION IS TO ABOLISH THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
FOOTBALL IS THE ROOT OF ALL COLLEGE EVIL.
OH, YOU ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T MAKE THE TEAM
WHEN YOU AND I WERE STUDENTS HERE.
AND YOU ONLY DEFEND FOOTBALL BECAUSE YOU WERE ON THE TEAM.
FOOTBALL IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF COLLEGE LIFE.
NOT ONLY FOR THE PLAYERS,
BUT FOR THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY.
JUDGE HOLMSBY, ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF CHEATING ON COLLEGE EXAMS?
NO, OF COURSE NOT,
BUT YOU CAN'T BLAME FOOTBALL FOR THAT.
GETTING GRADES IS ONLY PART OF ACQUIRING AN EDUCATION,
UNLESS YOUR IDEA OF AN EDUCATION
IS TO TURN OUT MEMORY MACHINES.
I PREFER THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO CAN THINK.
I MADE A MOTION TO ABOLISH FOOTBALL ON THIS CAMPUS.
AND I OPPOSE IT STRENUOUSLY.
[all shouting over each other] GENTLEMEN!
LET US NOT LOSE OUR TEMPERS.
I REALLY DO NOT THINK, AT THIS STAGE,
IT IS NECESSARY TO DO ANYTHING
AS DRASTIC AS ABOLISHING FOOTBALL.
HOWEVER, I PROMISE YOU, MR. DEARBORNE,
THAT PROFESSOR SHATTUCK
AND HIS SECURITY CORPS
WILL BE PARTICULARLY VIGILANT
DURING THE COMING EXAMINATION,
AND ESPECIALLY WATCH FOR THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
[doorbell rings]
GOOD EVENING, JUDGE. OH, HAYWOOD, I'M GLAD YOU COULD COME.
WELL, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?
A CRISIS, HAYWOOD, AN ABSOLUTE CRISIS.
OH, JUDGE, THIS IS NORMAN AND LEON.
UH, JUDGE IS ONE OF OUR GREATEST MU MU ALUMNI
AND A VERY AVID FOOTBALL FAN.
YES, I'VE SEEN YOU FELLAS PLAY, OF COURSE.
I ONLY HOPE THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU PLAY FOR THE LAST TIME.
THE REGENTS HAVEN'T ABOLISHED FOOTBALL, HAVE THEY?
NO, THEY DIDN'T GO QUITE THAT FAR.
UH, MR. DEARBORNE TRIED, BUT HE FAILED AGAIN.
EVERY YEAR HE TRIES TO PENALIZE MIDVALE
FOR NOT LETTING HIM ON THE TEAM
WHEN HE AND I WERE UNDERGRADUATES HERE.
GEE, I DIDN'T KNOW MIDVALE WAS THAT OLD A COLLEGE.
[clears throat]
I PLAYED FOOTBALL FOR MIDVALE.
I DIDN'T KNOW FOOTBALL WAS THAT OLD A GAME.
JUDGE, THE BOYS ARE A LITTLE CONFUSSED.
ACTUALLY, THE MU MUS STILL TALK ABOUT THE DAYS
WHEN YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL FOR MIDVALE.
THEY DO?
THE JUDGE'S NAME IS HOLMSBY.
[chuckles] THEY CALLED ME "HURRY UP" HOLMSBY.
YES, SIR, EVERY TIME TALK
TURNS TO FOOTBALL,
THERE ARE FEW GREAT NAMES THAT COME UP AGAIN AND AGAIN--
KNUTE ROCKNE,
JIM THORPE,
RED GRANGE, "HURRY UP" HOLMSBY.
(Judge Holmsby) WELL, THAT'S FINE.
THAT'S FINE, HAYWOOD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BUT I THINK WE'D BETTER GET DOWN TO OUR PROBLEM.
THE BOARD HAS DECIDED TO CRACK DOWN ON EXAM CHEATING
AND TO KEEP A SPECIAL EYE
ON FOOTBALL PLAYERS DURING THE EXAMS.
WELL, THAT MEANS THEY ARE ABOLISHING FOOTBALL.
[chuckles] NO, IT JUST MEANS
THAT THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS WILL HAVE TO PASS
THEIR EXAMS HONESTLY TO STAY ELIGIBLE.
THEY'RE ABOLISHING FOOTBALL, JUDGE.
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THERE ARE NO FOOTBALL PLAYERS
WHO CAN PASS THEIR EXAMS HONESTLY?
NO, NO, JUDGE, MOST OF THEM HAVE NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
BUT WHAT MAKES THE MIDVALE TEAM?
THIS COMBO.
AND WITHOUT THEM, THE TEAM'S WASHED UP.
WELL, THEY'LL JUST HAVE TO STUDY HARDER.
[laughs]
THAT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE, JUDGE.
UH...
YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CHEAT HONESTLY.
AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT-- IS THERE SUCH A THING?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE MUST FIND OUT.
WE HAVE A VERY INGENIOUS YOUNG MAN HERE AT MIDVALE.
AND IF APPROACHED PROPERLY,
HE MAY PUT HIS INGENUITY TO WORK FOR US.
JUDGE, THAT'S GREAT. WHO IS HE? MERLIN JONES.
MERLIN JONES!
MERLIN JONES.
I HAVE TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING IN MY PURSE.
[laughter]
I CAN'T STAND HIM.
WHO? DON HAYWOOD.
HE'S SUCH A TERRIBLE SNOB.
UNLESS YOU'RE A MEMBER OF MU MU FRATERNITY
OR SOMETHING ELSE HE CONSIDERS SOCIALLY IMPORTANT,
HE IGNORES YOU.
HAS HE EVER SAID HELLO TO YOU?
[chuckles] NEVER.
HELLO, JENNIFER, HOW ARE YOU?
HI.
MERLIN, OLD MAN, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WE'RE HAVING A DANCE AT THE MU MU HOUSE SATURDAY NIGHT.
WE'D LIKE YOU TO BE THERE.
ISN'T HE NICE?!
THAT SNOB?
WELL, A PERSON CAN BE DISCRIMINATING
WITHOUT BEING A SNOB.
AND I HEAR THOSE MU MU DANCES ARE REALLY MARVELOUS.
WELL, MAYBE SO, BUT I DON'T INTEND TO FIND OUT.
MERLIN, YOU MUST GO.
WHY MUST I? IT'D BE RUDE IF YOU DIDN'T.
I CAN'T LEAVE STANLEY HOME ALONE AT NIGHT
TO GO TO A MU MU DANCE.
STANLEY--IS THAT WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?
WELL, AFTER ALL, HE'S ONLY A--
THERE'S A SITTER-SERVICE NUMBER ON THE BULLETIN BOARD.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL, AND THEY SEND
A VERY CAPABLE SITTER.
I'M SORRY, JEN, BUT I CAN'T FACE THE IDEA OF GOING OFF
AND LEAVING STANLEY ALONE WITH A SITTER.
NOW, TRY AND UNDERSTAND.
OH, I DO.
I REALIZE STANLEY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN I AM.
OH, JE-- WAIT, JEN, DON'T SAY THAT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF GOING
TO ONE OF THOSE GLAMOROUS, MARVELOUS MU MU DANCES,
BUT LOTS OF DREAMS DON'T COME TRUE.
A-ALL RIGHT, MAYBE WE CAN GO,
B-BUT WE WON'T STAY TOO LATE.
OH, MERLIN, I'M SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO GO.
AND I'VE GOT A NEW DRESS, AND I KNOW YOU'LL LOVE IT.
WELL, O-OKAY, BUT--BUT WE WON'T STAY--
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF ORDERING THE SITTER FOR YOU.
WELL, JUST TELL HER IT'S JUST GONNA BE FOR LIKE--
MERLIN.
HUH?
I FORGOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.
STANLEY, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
YOU'VE MADE TREMENDOUS PROGRESS
IN A VERY SHORT TIME.
BUT THE MAIN THING IS YOUR CONCENTRATED STUDYING.
VERY GOOD, STANLEY. VERY GOOD, INDEED.
YOU KNOW, STANLEY--
STANLEY, YOUR EYES LOOK A LITTLE BLOODSHOT.
MAYBE YOU'VE BEEN STUDYING TOO HARD.
[doorbell rings]
HI, MERLIN. DO YOU, UH, NOTICE ANYTHING?
YEAH, STANLEY'S EYES ARE A LITTLE BLOODSHOT.
NOT STANLEY, ME.
YOUR EYES DON'T LOOK BLOODSHOT AT ALL.
MERLIN, YOU'RE HOPELESS.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU TO NOTICE MY NEW DRESS.
OH, OH, WELL, UH...
IT LOOKS VERY COMFORTABLE.
OH, FORGET IT. LET'S JUST GOT TO THE DANCE.
THE SITTER ISN'T HERE YET.
I'M GETTING PRETTY NERVOUS ABOUT TRUSTING HER WITH STANLEY.
SHE'S OBVIOUSLY UNRELIABLE,
OR SHE WOULD'VE BEEN HERE ALREADY.
SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE UNTIL 8:30.
WELL, IT'S EXACTLY 8:30 AND TEN SECONDS,
AND IF SHE WERE RELIABLE--
[doorbell rings]
HELLO, I'M LISA.
[breathlessly] HI.
THIS IS MERLIN JONES,
AND I'M JENNIFER.
HELLO, JENNIFER.
I'M SORRY I'M A LITTLE LATE.
OH, YOU'RE NOT LATE. YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
IN FACT, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
(Jennifer) I WONDER IF IT'S FAIR
FOR LISA TO HAVE TO SIT WITH STANLEY.
AFTER ALL, SHE IS A BABYSITTER. STANLEY'S A CHIMP.
IT WAS YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I LOVE ANIMALS.
[laughs]
I'M SURE STANLEY WILL LOVE YOU, TOO.
OH, HE'S ADORABLE. AREN'T YOU, STANLEY?
WELL, STANLEY, WHAT SHALL WE DO?
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SING YOU TO SLEEP?
WHO WOULDN'T?
WHEN YOU'RE READY FOR NIGHTY-NIGHT,
I'LL SING TO YOU UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP.
[chuckles] SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THE DANCE RIGHT NOW.
I'VE TYPED OUT A FEW INSTRUCTIONS
ABOUT STANLEY'S FOOD AND EVERYTHING.
THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN.
I'M SURE LISA CAN FIND THEM.
GOOD NIGHT, LISA.
GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY. GOOD NIGHT, LISA.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
[door closes]
WELL, NOW, STANLEY, WHAT BEDTIME STORY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR?
[door opens]
IF HIS EYES LOOK A LITTLE BLOODSHOT,
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE HE'S BEEN STUDYING--
[laughs]
[door opens]
YOU CAN REACH ME AT THE MU MU HOUSE,
AND DON'T HESITATE TO CALL--
[uptempo surf music]
*
MERLIN, THIS DANCE IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME.
THE MU MUS REALLY DO THINGS RIGHT.
THEY SURE SPEND MONEY, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.
OH, IT'S MORE THAN THAT. THEY KNOW HOW TO SPEND IT.
AND THEY TREAT US LIKE ROYALTY.
I WONDER WHAT THEIR MOTIVE IS.
MERLIN, THAT'S UNFAIR.
MAYBE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE, JENNIFER. THANK YOU.
SANDWICH? NO, THANKS.
YOU TOO, MERLIN.
YOU KNOW, YOU FIT HERE, LIKE THE PAPER ON THE WALL.
SANDWICH? THANKS.
GEE, I LIKE YOUR DRESS. WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, JONES, WE REALLY DO ADMIRE YOUR TASTE IN WOMEN.
HAVE ANOTHER SANDWICH.
THANK YOU. THEY SURE ARE GOOD.
[chuckles]
TELL ME, DID, UH, ANYONE EVER TELL YOU
THAT YOU WERE, UH, MU MU MATERIAL?
NO ONE. [clicks tongue]
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S SO OBVIOUS.
WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE INVITED YOU HERE.
THE MU MUS ARE EXCEEDINGLY INTERESTED IN MERLIN JONES.
MERLIN, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
LET'S GO IN THE TROPHY ROOM.
IT'S MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE THERE, AND WE CAN TALK.
EXCUSE US? OF COURSE.
MAYBE WHILE THEY'RE IN THERE TALKING BUSINESS,
I COULD TALK YOU INTO A DANCE.
I'D LOVE TO. GOOD.
[slow jazz music]
SIT DOWN, MERLIN. SIT DOWN.
WELL, THANK YOU.
NOW, THE REASON THAT WE'RE INTERESTED IN YOU, MERLIN,
IS BECAUSE WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE CREAM OF THE CAMPUS--
THE BEST ATHLETES, THE BEST DANCERS,
THE MOST SKILLED POLITICIANS, THE MOST POPULAR MEN IN COLLEGE.
[chuckles] WELL, WHERE DO I FIT IN?
WE'D LIKE TO HAVE THE BEST IN EVERYTHING,
INCLUDING SCHOLARSHIP.
WE'VE ALWAYS HAD EIGHT OR TEN ATHLETES,
HALF A DOZEN POLITICIANS,
THREE OR FOUR OF EACH OF THE OTHERS,
AND ONE STUDENT. ONLY ONE?
(Norman) WE FIGURED
ONE BRAIN IN THE CHAPTER WAS ENOUGH.
[cough]
WELL, IN A WAY, IT MAKES IT EVEN MORE OF AN HONOR
THAT WE'VE ASKED YOU TO BE THE ONE BRAIN OF THE MU MUS.
YES, I GUESS IT IS AN HONOR.
OF COURSE, THERE'S A LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY
THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT.
WE'LL EXPECT YOU TO HELP OUR KEY FOOTBALL PLAYERS
PASS THEIR EXAMS, SO THEY'LL STAY ELIGIBLE FOR THE TEAM.
SURE, I'LL BE HAPPY TO HELP THEM STUDY ANYTIME THEY WISH.
I, UH...
I DON'T THINK YOU DIG WHAT I'M SAYING.
IT'S NORMAN AND LEON--
THEY'RE NOT EXACTLY THE STUDIOUS TYPES.
WHA--WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
IT WAS JUDGE HOLMSBY'S IDEA.
HE TOLD US THAT YOU WERE SORT OF, UH, INGENIOUS
AND THAT YOU COULD, UH...
WELL, UH, FIX THINGS UP FOR THEM.
IF YOU MEAN CRIBBING, NOW, THAT'S OUT,
BECAUSE CHEATING ON EXAMS IS JUST AS DISHONEST AS STEALING.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, MERLIN.
THE JUDGE SAID THAT YOU WERE SO INGENIOUS
THAT YOU COULD FIGURE OUT AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.
AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT?
SURE. LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
NO ONE WOULD PUT YOU AND NORMAN IN THE RING TOGETHER
TO SLUG IT OUT BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR.
WE COULD TRY IT. [laughs]
BUT THEY PUT YOU IN THE SAME CLASSROOM.
THEY GIVE YOU THE SAME EXAMS.
IS THAT FAIR?
NO, IT ISN'T.
IN THE RING, NORMAN'S A HEAVYWEIGHT,
AND YOU'RE A MIDDLEWEIGHT.
IN THE CLASSROOM, YOU'RE A HEAVYWEIGHT,
AND NORMAN'S A FLYWEIGHT.
WHAT WE'RE ASKING YOU TO DO IS FIGHT INJUSTICE.
LOOK, I'M WILLING TO HELP ANYONE
WHO WANTS TO STUDY FOR HIS EXAMS.
BUT IF HE CAN'T STUDY OR IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO STUDY,
THEN WHAT'S HE DOING IN COLLEGE, ANYWAY?
[music continues]
HE DOESN'T HAVE A MU MU BONE IN HIS BODY.
THEY WERE SO NICE TO YOU.
IT WOULDN'T HAVE HURT YOU TO HELP THEM.
WELL, I DID OFFER TO HELP THEM STUDY,
BUT THEY WANTED ME TO CHEAT FOR THEM.
AND THAT'S AGAINST YOUR PRINCIPLES, OF COURSE,
SO NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE A MU MU.
WELL, DOES IT MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU? YES, IT DOES.
I MEAN, A GIRL LIKES TO GO TO A DANCE ONCE IN A WHILE,
INSTEAD OF SPENDING EVERY NIGHT OF HER LIFE
WATCHING SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS.
AND, ANYWAY, YOU SAID THEY WANTED YOU TO INVENT
AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.
HOW COULD I EVER INVENT A THING LIKE THAT?
MERLIN.
HMM?
I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
IF YOU REALLY PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.
YOU REALLY THINK I CAN?
I KNOW YOU CAN.
(Merlin) BUT, JUDGE, IT WILL WORK. I'M CERTAIN OF IT.
AND IT'S HONEST CHEATING,
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU LEARN,
SO LONG AS YOU DO LEARN.
SLEEP LEARNING?
IT'S AN APPLICATION OF A SOUND SCIENTIFIC CONCEPT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.
IT WORKED WONDERS WITH STANLEY.
YEAH, BUT STANLEY'S AN INTELLIGENT CHIMP.
THE QUESTION IS, WILL IT WORK WITH, UH...
THESE TWO.
(Merlin) IN WORLD WAR II,
THEY USED IT TO TEACH FOREIGN LANGUAGES
TO MEN WHO HAD TO LEARN THEM IN A HURRY.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
WE HAVE TO LEARN ENGLISH.
BUT ENGLISH IS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
WELL, ENGLAND'S A FOREIGN COUNTRY, ISN'T IT?
[sighs] YOU HAVE TO LEARN ENGLISH LITERATURE.
(Judge Holmsby) I'M ALL
FOR GOING AHEAD WITH MERLIN'S IDEA.
IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE.
AND IN THE SECOND PLACE...
WELL, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
I HAD JENNIFER RECORD ALL THE INFORMATION YOU'LL NEED
FOR TOMORROW'S ENGLISH-LIT CLASS.
I... [chuckles]
I WAS SURE YOU'D PREFER HER VOICE TO MINE.
WELL, YOU'RE DARN RIGHT WE WOULD.
HEY, MERLIN, WHAT DO WE DO WHILE THIS IS ALL GOING ON?
YOU JUST SLEEP. HEY, NO KIDDING. [chuckles]
IF THERE'S ONE THING I'M GOOD AT, IT'S SLEEPING.
WELL, EVERYTHING'S SET.
GOOD NIGHT, FELLAS. GOOD NIGHT, MERLIN.
GOOD NIGHT.
HEY, MERLIN? YES, NORM?
YOU SURE YOU EXPLAINED TO ALL THE GUYS
ABOUT THESE THINGS ON OUR HEADS?
OH, I'M SURE. THEY ALL KNOW IT'S PART OF THE FOOTBALL EFFORT.
GOOD. I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE
FROM THE WISE GUYS AROUND HERE.
OH, SURE, SURE. GOOD NIGHT.
(Leon) HEY, MERLIN?
YES, LEON?
YOU THINK WE MIGHT END UP WITH WAVY HAIR?
GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
GO TO SLEEP, WILL YOU? GOOD NIGHT.
(Leon) GOOD NIGHT, MERLIN.
HEY, MERLIN?
YES, NORM?
I WANT A DRINK OF WATER.
NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE! GOOD NIGHT!
[Jennifer on record] THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD
TAKES ITS NAME FROM ELIZABETH I,
WHO WAS QUEEN OF ENGLAND FROM 1558 TO 1603.
THE OUTSTANDING LITERARY...
FURTHERMORE, GEOFFREY CHAUCER WAS THE FIRST ENGLISH POET
TO USE THE IAMBIC PENTAMETER.
AND LATER ON, HE DEVELOPED MANY COMPLICATED STANZA FORMS,
THE MOST FAMOUS OF WHICH WAS THE SEVEN-LINE STANZA,
OR THE RHYME ROYAL.
THANK YOU, MERLIN. THAT'S QUITE CORRECT.
NORMAN.
YES, SIR.
TELL ME WHAT WE MEAN
WHEN WE SPEAK OF THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD.
THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD, SIR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
UH, WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF ITS NAME
AND WHAT PERIOD IT COVERS.
AND TELL US WHO SOME
OF THE OUTSTANDING LITERARY FIGURES OF THAT ERA WERE.
[Jennifer's voice] THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD
TAKES ITS NAME FROM ELIZABETH I,
WHO WAS QUEEN OF ENGLAND
FROM 1558
TO 1603.
THE OUTSTANDING LITERARY FIGURE
[laughter] OF THAT TIME WAS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,
WHOSE PLAYS AND SONNETS
ARE AMONG THE GREATEST GLORIES OF ENGLISH LITERATURE.
[laughter continues] OTHER WRITERS
WHOSE SOARING IMAGINATION AND VERBAL FELICITY
ENRICHED THIS PERIOD
ARE BEN JONSON, CHRISTOPER MARLOWE,
[laughter intensifies] EDMUND SPENCER, FRANCIS BACON,
SIR PHILIP SYDNEY, BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER,
AND A HOST
OF DISTINGUISHED POETS, PLAYWRIGHTS--
THAT'S ENOUGH!
BUT, JUDGE, I WASN'T TRYING TO BE FUNNY OR ANYTHING.
IT JUST CAME OUT THAT WAY.
MOST UNFORTUNATE.
NOW THE PROFESSOR'S SO MAD,
THEY'LL HAVE TO GET 90 OR BETTER ON THE EXAM JUST TO PASS.
90?
BUT THE THING IS, THEY KNEW THE RIGHT ANSWERS.
(Judge Holmsby) DID YOU?
EVERY WORD. IT JUST CAME OUT IN THE WRONG VOICE.
AND ON THE WRITTEN EXAM, THERE WON'T BE THAT PROBLEM.
BUT 90%.
BEGIN.
[beeping]
OH, MAN, WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!
YOU READ THE QUESTION, AND--AND POW, RIGHT THERE.
THE ANSWER'S RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HEAD. OH, THAT'S GREAT!
AND YOU'RE SURE YOU GOT 90% RIGHT?
OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO PASS THE COURSE
AND STAY ELIGIBLE FOR FOOTBALL.
WELL, I GOT 100% RIGHT!
100%? YEAH.
ME TOO! I KNEW ALL THE ANSWERS!
THAT'S WONDERFUL! MERLIN!
MERLIN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WHAT YOU'VE DONE
WILL LIVE IN MU MU HISTORY FOREVER.
[all cheering]
THE WAY I SEE IT,
THE REAL FOOTBALL HERO OF MIDVALE IS MERLIN JONES.
[all cheering]
I DON'T MEAN TO KNOCK NORMAN OR LEON OR ANYONE,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO PLAY FOOTBALL
IF IT WASN'T FOR MERLIN.
AND I WANT HIM TO KNOW
THAT I'VE HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM FROM THE START.
I KNEW HE'D COME THROUGH, AND HE HAS!
[all cheering]
FROM NOW ON, YOU MUST THINK OF MERLIN
AS BELONGING TO MIDVALE AND NOT JUST TO YOU.
OH, I DON'T REALLY MIND.
ONLY HE DOESN'T HAVE TO ENJOY IT SO.
[telephone ringing] EXCUSE ME.
HELLO? OH, HI, HENRY.
QUIET, EVERYONE! QUIET!
THIS IS IT.
THAT'S THE ENGLISH LIT GRADES.
WE GOT A CONTACT THAT PHONES US THE RESULTS
AS SOON AS THE PAPERS ARE MARKED.
THAT'S GREAT.
OKAY, LET'S START WITH LEON.
LEON, "F." "F"?!
(all) "F"?!
ARE YOU SURE?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT NORMAN?
NORMAN, "F"?
[all murmuring]
WHAT?! AN "F"
FOR MERLIN JONES?!
[murmuring]
NORMAN, MERLIN, AND LEON-- YES, I'LL TELL THEM.
WIPE THAT LIPSTICK OFF YOUR FACE, STUPID.
YOU'RE WANTED IN THE REGENTS' OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.
NOW, PROFESSOR, WHEN DID YOU FIRST LEARN
OF THE CONSPIRACY TO CHEAT ON THE ENGLISH LIT EXAM?
JUST A MINUTE-- THAT'S A LEADING QUESTION,
WHICH PRESUMES THE GUILT OF THE DEFENDANTS.
NOW, THE CORRECT LEGAL PROCEDURE--
YOU HAVE MADE YOUR OBJECTION, JUDGE HOLMSBY,
AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN LEGAL PROCEDURE TO ME.
OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE AN ATTORNEY.
I'M NOT, BUT I WATCH ALL OF THE LAWYER SHOWS ON TELEVISION.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S BETTER
THAN WATCHING ALL THE DOCTOR SHOWS
AND GOING AROUND PERFORMING OPERATIONS.
[laughs]
[both laugh]
[laughter stops]
WOULD YOU MIND LETTING THE WITNESS ANSWER THE QUESTION?
NOT AT ALL. HMM.
WELL, PROFESSOR?
DURING THE EXAMINATION,
THE INSTRUCTOR BECAME SUSPICIOUS OF CERTAIN MOVEMENTS
THAT WERE BEING MADE BY MERLIN JONES.
THE INSTRUCTOR CONTACTED ME
IN MY PLACE OF CONCEALMENT,
AND I PHOTOGRAPHED MR. JONES
GIVING SIGNALS TO OTHER STUDENTS.
ARE THESE THE PHOTOGRAPHS?
THEY ARE. EXHIBIT "A."
WAS THERE ANY EVIDENCE TO CONVINCE YOU OF YOUR SUSPICIONS?
THERE WAS, INDEED.
AND WHAT WAS THAT EVIDENCE?
WHEN THE INSTRUCTOR GRADED THE PAPERS,
HE FOUND THAT TWO OTHER STUDENTS HAD WRITTEN ANSWERS
THAT WERE WORD-FOR-WORD THE SAME
AS THOSE OF MERLIN JONES.
"WORD-FOR-WORD
THE SAME AS THOSE OF MERLIN JONES."
YOUR WITNESS.
NO QUESTIONS AT THIS TIME.
THANK YOU, PROFESSOR.
I NOW CALL MERLIN JONES.
[door closes]
YOU ARE A VERY CLEVER YOUNG MAN, MR. JONES.
AND I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU
ON THE INGENIOUS CODE YOU WORKED OUT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO EXPLAIN IT TO US.
NOW, UH, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN-- SCRATCHING YOUR EAR?
IT MEANS MY EAR ITCHED.
YOUR EAR ITCHED?
DOES IT ITCH OFTEN?
[chuckles] NO. IT DOESN'T.
MM-HMM.
NOW, WHY SHOULD YOUR EAR CONVENIENTLY PICK EXAM TIME
TO START ITCHING?
WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD'VE BEEN NERVOUS.
THAT MIGHT HAVE CAUSED IT.
NERVOUS. [chuckles]
NOW, WHY SHOULD A GOOD STUDENT LIKE YOU
BE NERVOUS OVER AN ENGLISH LIT EXAM?
UNLESS YOU WERE WORRIED THAT SOMEONE MIGHT CATCH YOU
SIGNALING THE ANSWERS TO THE OTHER TWO.
THAT ISN'T IT AT ALL! I WAS NERVOUS BECAUSE--
NEVER MIND, MR. JONES.
WE UNDERSTAND. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
JUDGE HOLMSBY?
NO QUESTIONS AT THIS TIME.
YOU MAY STEP DOWN.
YOU HAVE JUST HEARD FROM THE MASTERMIND.
WE WILL NOW HEAR
FROM LEON AND NORMAN, HIS PARTNERS IN CRIME.
OH, NO SELF-RESPECTING TELEVISION ATTORNEY
WOULD LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT ONE.
LOOK AT THEM, GENTLEMEN.
DO THEY LOOK LIKE STUDENTS WHO WOULD GET GRADES OF 100%
IN ENGLISH LITERATURE?
DO THEY LOOK CAPABLE OF TURNING IN
PERFECT EXAM PAPERS?
IF THE CHARGE AGAINST THESE MEN WAS LOOKING STUPID,
I WOULDN'T BE HERE DEFENDING THEM.
AND IF MIDVALE HAD A REGULATION AGAINST MEN LOOKING STUPID,
WE MIGHT LOSE HALF THE STUDENT BODY
AND AT LEAST ONE MEMBER OF THE BOARD OF REGENTS AS WELL.
I HAVE TOTALED UP
THE ENTIRE NUMBER OF HOURS IN THE DAY
WHICH YOU SPEND IN CLASS,
UH, AT FOOTBALL PRACTICE,
ON MEALS,
ON SLEEP--
23 HOURS.
THAT LEAVES YOU ONE WHOLE HOUR TO WASTE.
YEAH, YOU GOT TO DO A LITTLE GOOFING OFF.
[both laugh]
AND WHEN DO YOU FIND TIME
TO STUDY YOUR ENGLISH LIT?
WHEN WE'RE ASLEEP.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR FACETIOUSNESS.
I ASKED WHEN DO YOU STUDY
FOR YOUR ENGLISH LIT EXAMS?
HE TOLD YOU-- WHEN WE'RE ASLEEP.
HMM.
YOU STUDY YOUR ENGLISH LIT WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP.
THAT'S ALL.
JUST A MINUTE.
UH, I DON'T BELIEVE MR. DEARBORNE BELIEVES YOU
WHEN YOU SAID YOU STUDIED FOR YOUR ENGLISH LIT EXAMS
WHILE YOU SLEPT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
JUDGE HOLMSBY AND I HAVE EVER AGREED ON ANYTHING.
WILL YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU STUDIED FOR YOUR ENGLISH LIT EXAMS
IN MORE DETAIL, PLEASE?
WELL, THERE ARE THESE THINGS ATTACHED TO OUR HEADS.
I BELIEVE THEY'RE CALLED EARS.
NO, THESE THINGS HAD WIRES CONNECTED TO THEM.
AND MERLIN MADE A RECORD, AND WHILE WE SLEPT,
THIS RECORD PLAYED OVER AND OVER AGAIN,
AND WHEN WE WOKE UP, WELL, WE KNEW IT.
IT'S BECAUSE MERLIN JONES TAUGHT THEM
BY WAY OF SLEEP LEARNING
THAT ALL THREE OF THEIR EXAM PAPERS WERE ALIKE.
DO YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE
A COCK-AND-BULL STORY LIKE THAT?
MERLIN HAS BEEN EDUCATING A CHIMPANZEE
THROUGH SLEEP LEARNING.
A CHIMPANZEE.
YES, A CHIMPANZEE.
SO HE DECIDED TO USE SLEEP LEARNING
WHEN THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS NEEDED AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.
CHEAT! THERE, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.
SLEEP LEARNING OR NOT, IT IS CHEATING.
I SAID AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING!
AND I SAY THERE IS!
DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU LEARN AS LONG AS YOU LEARN!
HOLMSBY, YOU ARE A PIGHEADED OLD FOOL!
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.
GENTLEMEN, I THINK IT MIGHT BE WISER
IF WE DISMISSED OUR WITNESSES
AND CONTINUED OUR LITTLE CONVERSATION
IN PRIVATE.
LOOKS BAD, HUH?
WELL, ALL THE SAME, I-I WANT TO THANK YOU, MERLIN.
THANKS FOR WHAT, FOR GETTING US EXPELLED?
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WANTS TO HIRE A TRUCK DRIVER
WHO KNOWS A LOT ABOUT ENGLISH LITERATURE,
LET ME KNOW.
THE IMPORTANT THING, MERLIN, IS YOU TRIED.
IF I HADN'T TRIED, WE'D ALL STILL BE IN COLLEGE.
WELL, WE'RE NOT EXPELLED YET.
WELL, THE JUDGE IS STILL IN THERE FIGHTING FOR US.
WELL, LISTEN, MERLIN,
ALL THE BRAINS I EVER KNEW BEFORE YOU WERE KIND OF SNOBS,
BUT NOT YOU.
W-WELL, YOU'RE JUST LIKE A REGULAR STUPID FELLA,
AND THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.
THANKS, LEON.
WELL, COME ON, LET'S GO BACK TO THE MU MU HOUSE.
NO, I BETTER GET HOME. I LEFT STANLEY WITH A SITTER.
AND WHEN WILL THE HEAD OF THE GREEK DEPARTMENT
BE PAID AS MUCH AS THE FOOTBALL COACH?
JUST AS SOON AS YOU SEE 50,000 PEOPLE
CHEERING A GREEK RECITATION.
A COLLEGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLACE OF LEARNING.
THE ONLY QUESTION IS WHETHER TO EXPEL THESE STUDENTS.
IF THEY'RE GUILTY, I AM, TOO.
I URGED MERLIN TO DO WHAT HE DID.
AND IF YOU WERE A STUDENT,
I WOULD VOTE TO KICK YOU OUT, TOO.
WELL, IF THEY'RE KICKED OUT,
I'M QUITTING THE BOARD OF REGENTS.
THAT IS THE BEST ARGUMENT FOR EXPELLING THEM
THAT I HAVE HEARD YET!
NOW, LISTEN! NOW, LISTEN!
GENTLEMEN!
GENTLEMEN, YOU'VE MADE YOUR POSITION VERY CLEAR.
WE WILL NOW VOTE...
QUIETLY, CALMLY...
AND WITHOUT PREJUDICE.
[whispering] DID YOU HAVE A NICE EVENING?
[whispering] WELL, I FLUNKED ENGLISH LIT.
I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF CHEATING, AND I MAY GET EXPELLED
FROM COLLEGE.
OUTSIDE OF THAT, I HAD A VERY NICE EVENING.
HOW AWFUL.
THE SLEEP LEARNING IDEA BOOMERANGED.
BUT IT'S DONE SO MUCH FOR STANLEY.
I KNOW.
MERLIN, MAY I TRY IT?
WHAT?
THE SLEEP LEARNING.
OH, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,
BUT IT'S TERRIBLY INTRIGUING.
[sighs]
PLEASE, MERLIN.
AW, ALL RIGHT.
[clock ticking]
[alarm ringing]
(Merlin) WHEN THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS, TURN IT OFF.
[ringing stops]
GET OUT OF BED.
TURN ON THE COFFEE.
[doorbell rings]
OH, YOU POOR DARLING, SITTING HERE ALONE
AT A TIME LIKE THIS!
PUT OUT THE CAT.
I CAME OVER JUST AS SOON AS I HEARD.
I THOUGHT OF YOU LONELY AND DESPERATE.
OH, YOU NEEDED ME, DIDN'T YOU, MERLIN?
[meows] THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO YOU.
TAKE A SHOWER, BRUSH YOUR TEETH.
OF ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE,
YOU ARE THE MOST STRAIGHTFORWARD,
ABOVEBOARD, HIGH-MINDED...
[door closes]
TWO-FACED, DOUBLE-DEALING CAT I'VE EVER KNOWN!
[water running]
ALL RIGHT, LISA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, HELLO. W-WE WERE JUST CONDUCTING AN EXPERIMENT.
YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING CHIMPSITTER,
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN WHAT YOU WERE UP TO!
THE EXPERIMENT'S OVER!
JEN, LET ME EXPLAIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
IT'S QUITE CLEAR WHAT'S GOING ON.
I RESENT THAT!
OH, YOU DO, DO YOU?! YES, I DO!
[both shouting] (Merlin) PLEASE, GIRLS!
STOP YOUR YELLING AND SHOUTING. YOU'LL UPSET STANLEY.
SO THAT'S IT? ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS STANLEY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, JENNIFER.
HE HASN'T GIVEN A THOUGHT TO MY FEELINGS
OR YOURS.
THAT'S JUST IT, LISA.
AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, HE CAN TAKE STANLEY,
AND BOTH GO BACK TO THE JUNGLE!
I'M FOR THAT, TOO!
BUT, JEN!
ISN'T IT RIDICULOUS THE WAY HE PAMPERS HIM?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, AND I'LL BE GLAD TO TESTIFY
THAT HE'S NOT A FIT GUARDIAN FOR A CHIMPANZEE.
[Stanley chattering]
STANLEY, PEOPLE ARE DIFFICULT.
[car door closes]
YOU TRY AND DO YOUR BEST FOR THEM, AND THEN...
[chattering] SUDDENLY...
OH, NO, STANLEY. NOT YOU, TOO.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, STANLEY,
TO FEEL THE WHOLE WORLD'S AGAINST YOU?
[chatters softly]
I TRIED TO HELP THE FOOTBALL TEAM AND FAILED.
NOW EVERYONE ON CAMPUS HATES ME.
BUT I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE I WON'T EVEN BE ON CAMPUS.
I'M BEING EXPELLED FROM MIDVALE,
KICKED OUT IN DISGRACE.
AND JENNIFER...
SHE'S TURNED AGAINST ME, TOO.
YOU'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT, STANLEY,
ALL I HAVE LEFT.
[chattering]
[telephone ringing]
HELLO?
[sighs] YES, JUDGE HOLMSBY.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE RIGHT AWAY.
BUT, SIR, I-I DON'T HAVE ANYONE I CAN LEAVE STANLEY WITH.
WELL, BRING STANLEY WITH YOU,
BUT GET HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
YES, SIR.
GOOD-BYE, SIR.
WELL, STANLEY, WE MIGHT AS WELL GET GOING AND FACE THE WORST.
[doorbell rings]
GOOD EVENING, MR. JONES, STANLEY.
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
THE BOARD OF REGENTS MADE ITS DECISION.
IT'S THEIR VERDICT THAT...
(all) SURPRISE!
IT'S THEIR VERDICT THAT SLEEP LEARNING
IS AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT,
WITH THE EMPHASIS ON HONEST.
WE GOT "A"s IN ENGLISH LIT!
WE CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!
HOORAY FOR MERLIN!
[all cheering]
JUST CONGRATULATE HIM. HE'LL UNDERSTAND.
(all) * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY *
* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY, WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY *
* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *
* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY
(college president) WELL, GENTLEMEN,
NOW THAT OUR UNHAPPY LITTLE CONTROVERSY IS OVER,
I'M SURE WE'RE ALL AGREED
TO CLOSE RANKS AND PROCEED WITH OUR PROPER TASK--
EDUCATING THE YOUNG MIND.
QUITE RIGHT. EXACTLY.
UH, HOWEVER, THE FIRST BUSINESS AT HAND
IS THIS YEAR'S FUNDRAISING CAMPAIGN,
FOR OUR BELOVED COLLEGE, ONCE AGAIN, ALAS,
IS CHRONICALLY SHORT OF CASH.
IN CONNECTION WITH THAT, MR. PRESIDENT,
UH, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE,
WHICH I THINK WILL MAKE EVERYONE HERE FEEL VERY HAPPY.
I HAVE PERSUADED MR. J.P. ASTERBILT
TO ENDOW MIDVALE COLLEGE WITH $1 MILLION.
$1 MILLION? W-W-WHY, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
ALTHOUGH WE'VE HAD OUR DISAGREEMENTS IN THE PAST,
I MUST SAY THAT MR. DEARBORNE...
NOW, THERE IS A CONDITION.
MR. ASTERBILT STIPULATES FOOTBALL MUST BE ABOLISHED,
OR THE DEAL IS OFF.
IS A STUBBORN, PIGHEADED FOOL.
I HAVE NO WISH TO ARGUE WITH THE JUDGE OR--
DEARBORNE, YOU POSITIVELY
HOLD THE WORLD'S RECORD AT GRUDGE CARRYING.
JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T MAKE THE TEAM
WHEN YOU WERE A STUDENT HERE,
YOU'RE FOREVER SNIPING
AT MIDVALE FOOTBALL.
THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ANGER, JUDGE.
WE CAN KEEP FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE,
OR WE CAN HAVE $1 MILLION.
TAKE YOUR CHOICE. [chuckles]
(college president) OF COURSE, FOOTBALL
DOES TAKE TIME AWAY FROM STUDIES.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS THE DANGER THAT SOMEONE WILL GET HURT.
AND IT CREATES THE WRONG KIND OF ATMOSPHERE
FOR AN INSTITUSION OF HIGHER LEARNING.
WELL, GENTLEMEN, WE ALL SEEM TO BE IN AGREEMENT,
UH, ALMOST ALL, THAT IS.
TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY,
MR. ASTERBILT WILL BE HERE WITH A CHECK
FOR $1 MILLION.
AND AT THAT TIME,
FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE
WILL COME TO AN END.
THERE'S SOMEONE TO SEE YOU, JUDGE.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE.
HIS NAME IS DARIUS GREEN III.
I DON'T KNOW ANY DARIUS GREEN.
HE'S IN THE STUDY.
I COULDN'T GET RID OF HIM. MAYBE YOU CAN.
HUH.
JUDGE HOLMSBY, I'M GLAD TO MEET YOU.
I'M DARIUS GREEN III.
WELL, MR. GREEN, I'M A VERY BUSY MAN.
SO AM I, BUT I'M GONNA READ YOU A POEM ABOUT MY GRANDDADDY.
I TOLD YOU, I AM VERY BUSY.
AND IT MIGHT MEAN A VERY BIG ENDOWMENT
TO MIDVALE COLLEGE.
HOWEVER, I'M NEVER TOO BUSY TO LISTEN TO A GOOD POEM.
AH, I KNEW YOU WEREN'T.
UH, UH, THE NAME OF THIS POEM
IS DARIUS GREEN AND HIS FLYING MACHINE.
INTERESTING TITLE.
THAT WOULD BE DARIUS GREEN I, I PRESUME.
MY GRANDDADDY.
"AN ASPIRING GENIUS WAS DARIUS GREEN.
"SON OF A FARMER, AGE 14.
"HIS BODY WAS LONG AND LANK AND LEAN,
JUST RIGHT FOR FLYING, AS WE'LL BE SEEING."
"THE BIRDS CAN FLY, AND WHY CAN'T I?
"'MUST WE GIVE IN,' HE SAID WITH A GRIN.
"JUST FOLD OUR HANDS AND LET THE 'SWALLER'
AND BLACKBIRD AND CATBIRD BEAT US HOLLER."
THAT WAS GOOD THINKING, MR. GREEN.
GRANDDADDY WAS SMART,
NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY.
"SO, DAY AFTER DAY,
"HE STITCHED AND TINKERED AND HAMMERED AWAY
"TILL AT LAST IT WAS DONE,
"THE GREATEST INVENTION UNDER THE SUN.
"THEN, SAID DARIUS, 'HOORAY FOR SOME FUN.'"
"HOORAY FOR SOME FUN."
"SO THIS MODERN KNIGHT PREPARED FOR FLIGHT,
"PUT ON HIS WINGS AND STRAPPED THEM TIGHT.
"BUCKLED THEM FAST TO SHOULDER AND HIP.
TEN FEET THEY MEASURED FROM TIP TO TIP."
IMAGINE A WINGSPREAD OF TEN FEET.
"STEPPIN' CAREFUL, HE TRAVELED THE LENGTH
"OF HIS SPRINGBOARD AND TEETERED TO TRY ITS STRENGTH.
"NOW HE STRETCHES HIS WINGS LIKE A MONSTROUS BAT,
"PEEKS OVER HIS SHOULDER THIS WAY AND THAT.
"FOR TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYONE PASSING BY,
TO SEE THE DRAGON HE'S GOING TO FLY."
GO ON, PLEASE. GO ON.
"AS A DEMON IS HURLED
"BY AN ANGEL'S SPEAR,
"HEELS OVER HEAD TO HIS PROPER SPHERE,
"SO FELL DARIUS UPON HIS CROWN.
"INTO THE BARNYARD, HE COMES DOWN
"IN A WONDERFUL WORLD OF TANGLED STRINGS,
"BROKEN BRACES AND BROKEN SPRINGS,
"BROKEN TAIL AND BROKEN WINGS,
SHOOTING STARS AND VARIOUS THINGS."
OH, HOW VERY SAD, MR. GREEN.
THERE IT IS, JUDGE.
AND EVER SINCE,
GRANDDADDY DARIUS HAS BEEN TREATED LIKE A SIMPLETON,
INSTEAD OF A MAN WAY AHEAD OF HIS TIMES.
JUST LOOK AT THE WAY THEY DRAWED HIM.
THEY WASN'T CONTENT TO HAVE HIM ACT THE FOOL.
THEY EVEN PICTURED HIM LOOKING LIKE A FOOL.
I GATHER YOU FEEL YOUR ANCESTOR'S BEEN SLURRED,
BUT WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT NOW?
WELL, I'D LIKE TO CLEAR GRANDDADDY'S NAME
BY PROVING A FELLA CAN FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER
BY GETTING SOMEONE TO DO IT.
THAT'S WHY I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM VERMONT
TO SEE YOU.
TO SEE ME?
WELL, I HEARD YOU WERE A MEMBER
OF THE BOARD OF REGENTS AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.
YES, I AM.
HMM.
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.
WOULD MIDVALE CONSIDER AN ENDOWMENT OF $10 MILLION
ENOUGH TO GET THEM INTERESTED IN WORKING ON THIS HERE IDEA?
[laughing]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
[laughing] WELL, FOR A MINUTE, IT SOUNDED AS THOUGH--
IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID, "$10 MILLION."
[laughing] THAT'S WHAT I DID SAY.
[stops laughing]
$10 MILLION?
THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE, ZERO...
ZERO, ZERO, ZERO...
ZERO, ZERO, ZERO?
DON'T WORRY, JUDGE.
YOU CAN LOOK ME UP AND DOWN ON BRIDE STREET.
YOU'LL FIND I'M PRETTY WELL FIXED.
OH, I'M NOT WORRYING ABOUT YOU, MR. GREEN.
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU ONE QUESTION.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT FOOTBALL?
OH, I LIKE IT.
UH, BUT I CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU TODAY.
MR. GREEN, YOU HAVE JUST SAVED FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.
WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL?
BECAUSE YOUR GENEROSITY LETS MIDVALE TURN DOWN ANOTHER OFFER,
ONE WITH STRINGS ATTACHED.
WELL, MINE HAS STRINGS, TOO.
NOT ONE CENT DO YOU GET
UNTIL YOU REALLY PROVE A MAN CAN FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER.
NOW, DO YOU THINK MIDVALE HAS THE KNOW-HOW?
OH, POSITIVELY.
ARE YOU SURE THEY HAVE? ABSOLUTELY.
WE'VE GOT--
UH, UH, WELL--
W-WE HAVE AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS HERE,
MERLIN JONES-- HE CAN PROVE ANYTHING.
OH, I'D LIKE TO MEET HIM.
BUT--YOU CAN.
IT'S ABOUT LUNCHTIME.
WE'LL GO OVER TO THE CAMPUS CAFE.
UH, MERLIN WAITS ON TABLES THERE.
WHAT'S A GENIUS DOING WAITING ON TABLES?
WHY NOT? I HEARD EINSTEIN USED TO WAIT ON TABLES, TOO.
OH, DID HE?
[overlapping conversations]
[laughter]
I'M VERY SORRY, SIR.
I HEAR THAT EINSTEIN WASN'T A VERY GOOD WAITER EITHER.
UM, I'LL GET YOU SOME MORE CLAM CHOWDER, SIR.
UH, I DIDN'T ORDER CLAM CHOWDER.
I JUST WANT A SALAD. YES, SIR.
OH, BY THE WAY, JUDGE,
STANLEY AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A PROJECT--
WHO'S STANLEY? OH, I'LL HAVE A SALAD, TOO.
YES, SIR. RIGHT AWAY, SIR.
STANLEY IS MY--
EH, EH, WE WANT THE SALADS NOW. YES, SIR.
(man) HE, MERLIN, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE WATER?
COMING.
AND HE'S THE GENIUS AT MIDVALE?
WELL, I KNOW YOU HAVE
AN UNFORTUNATE FIRST IMPRESSION OF HIM,
BUT YOU'LL SEE, HE'LL SURPRISE YOU.
HE'S GIVEN ME A FEW SURPRISES ALREADY.
WHO'S STANLEY?
EH, YEAH, WELL, STANLEY IS HIS NEPHEW--
A CHIMPANZEE.
A CHIMPANZEE?
YES. I SIGNED THE COURT ORDER MYSELF.
HE'S LEGALLY THE MONKEY'S UNCLE.
[laughing]
COME ON, MERLIN, WHERE'S THAT WATER?
SURE, HERE YOU ARE.
I'M GETTING TOO FAST FOR YOU, MERLIN.
YOU MISSED ME THAT TIME.
[laughter] GEE, I'M SORRY, SIR.
DON'T LET IT WORRY YOU.
THAT'S YOUR FIRST MISS OF THE DAY.
OH, NO, WHAT I MEANT WAS--
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT. YES, YES, OF COURSE.
MERLIN, MERLIN, YOU SEE, MR. GREEN
HAS OFFERED MIDVALE A VERY GENEROUS ENDOWMENT.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
BUT--BUT-- BUT IT ALL DEPENDS
ON YOUR BEING ABLE TO DEMONSTRATE MAN-POWERED FLIGHT.
MAN-POWERED FLIGHT?
YES.
BY MAN-POWERED FLIGHT,
DO YOU MEAN NO GAS-INFLATED DEVICES?
RIGHT.
NOTHING THAT USES FUEL OR THAT GETS ITS POWER
FROM ANYTHING OTHER THAN A MAN'S MUSCLES?
YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKEOFF MAN-POWERED,
FLIGHT MAINTAINED BY MAN POWER, AND LANDING MAN-POWERED?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.
IT CAN'T BE DONE.
D'OH! WELL, HE MEANS
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT,
UH, BUT, OF COURSE, IT CAN BE DONE.
NO, WHAT I MEANT WAS--
[stammering] MERLIN, WILL YOU GET ME A GLASS OF WATER?
OH, BUT YOU ALREADY HAVE A GLASS OF WATER.
NO, THE THING ABOUT MAN-POWERED FLIGHT--
WELL, THEN BRING US COFFEE AND--AND THE CHECK.
[chuckles] YES, SIR.
YOU SEE, A BRILLIANT YOUNG MAN LIKE MERLIN--
OH, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE CREAM IN YOUR COFFEE, SIR?
NO. YES, YES.
UH...
IF THAT BOY CAN'T HANDLE IT,
I GUESS I'LL TAKE MY OFFER OVER TO THAT OTHER COLLEGE NEAR HERE.
R-RANDALL? OH, THAT WOULD BE VERY STUPID--
UH, UNWISE.
I MEAN, THERE ISN'T ANYONE LIKE MERLIN JONES AT RANDALL.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE LIKE MERLIN JONES ANYWHERE.
OH, YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, MR. GREEN.
THERE'S ONLY ONE MERLIN JONES, AND MIDVALE HAS HIM.
THAT'S WHY I THINK I'LL TAKE MY OFFER OVER TO RANDALL.
BUT--I WILL GIVE YOU MY PERSONAL GUARANTEE
THAT MERLIN JONES CAN DO THE JOB FOR YOU.
BUT HE DOESN'T THINK HE CAN.
OH, THAT'S JUST A SCIENTIST'S APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM.
YOU SEE, YOU START OFF
BY ASSUMING WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO IS IMPOSSIBLE,
THEN YOU GO AHEAD AND DO IT.
IT'S WHAT'S CALLED
THE, UH, PROVING THE IMPOSSIBLE THEOREM.
[exhales deeply]
MR. GREEN, HOW HIGH WOULD A MAN HAVE TO FLY TO SATISFY YOU?
UH, TEN FEET.
MM-HMM. AND HOW LONG WOULD HE HAVE TO SUSTAIN IT?
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES. FIVE MINUTES.
300 SECONDS.
I THINK MERLIN'S GOT SOMETHING FIGURED OUT ALREADY,
RIGHT, MERLIN? MM-HMM.
I JUST FIGURED OUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
UH, UH, THERE, YOU SEE?
THAT'S A SCIENTIFIC APPROACH, PROVING THE IMPOSSIBLE,
UH, RIGHT, MR. GREEN?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, JUDGE.
IN VERMONT, WE DON'T MAKE UP OUR MINDS SO FAST.
WE LIKE TO GIVE A LITTLE THOUGHT TO THINGS.
AND QUITE RIGHT, MR. GREEN.
YOU LIKE TO GIVE A LITTLE THOUGHT TO THINGS,
SO DOES MERLIN,
DON'T YOU, MERLIN?
YOU CAN GIVE THIS A LITTLE THOUGHT,
CAN'T YOU, FOR, UH, $10 MILLION?
$10 MILLION? HA HA!
THERE, YOU SEE, MR. GREEN? THE CHECK, PLEASE.
NO, NO, NO, I INSIST.
UH, YOU ARE A GUEST AT MIDVALE,
AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SPENDING ONE CENT.
MERLIN...
MR. GREEN AND I HAVE COMPLETE CONFIDENCE IN YOU.
FROM NOW ON, MAN-POWERED FLIGHT IS COMPLETELY IN YOUR HANDS.
THIS WAY, THIS WAY, MR. GREEN.
HA HA HA.
MERLIN, WHY DON'T YOU HURRY UP AND INVENT THAT PLANE
SO YOU CAN TAKE ME TO THE MOVIE?
IT'S NOT AS EASY AS THAT.
WHY NOT?
JENNIFER, CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT A MAN'S UP AGAINST
WHEN HE TRIES TO FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER?
STANLEY, GIVE ME THE BIRD.
[imitating birdcall]
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
I WANT THIS BIRD.
SEE HOW IT'S DESIGNED FOR FLIGHT?
LOOK AT THE BODY--
STREAMLINED FOR CUTTING THROUGH THE AIR.
IT'S CUTE.
MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL ARE THE AIR CAVITIES
THAT MAKE A BIRD'S BONES VERY LIGHT.
MAN'S BONES ARE SOLID.
DON'T THE WINGS HELP, TOO?
OF COURSE THEY HELP.
BUT MAN WAS DESIGNED FOR WALKING.
MAN MAYBE, BUT NOT WOMAN.
WALKING IN THESE SHOES IS TORTURE.
I MEAN BOTH MAN AND WOMAN.
CERTAINLY YOU WEREN'T DESIGNED FOR FLYING.
OF COURSE NOT. I HAVE NO WINGS.
NO WINGS AND HEAVY LEGS.
REALLY, MERLIN!
OH, NO, JEN, I DIDN'T MEAN YOUR LEGS PERSONALLY.
I MEANT MAN'S LEGS IN GENERAL.
OH.
BUT DO YOU THINK MY LEGS ARE TOO HEAVY?
OF COURSE NOT.
I THINK YOUR LEGS ARE...
HOW DID WE EVER GET INTO A DISCUSSION ON YOUR LEGS?
YOU WERE CRITICIZING MY FIGURE.
LOOK, JEN, ON THE GROUND, YOUR FIGURE IS GORGEOUS,
AND THAT BIRD'S IS RIDICULOUS.
BUT HIS WAS DESIGNED FOR FLYING, AND YOURS WASN'T.
WELL, I JUST WON'T FLY THEN, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, SOMEONE'S GOT TO,
OR MIDVALE'S OUT $10 MILLION AND ONE FOOTBALL TEAM.
I DON'T SEE HOW THAT'S POSSIBLE
AFTER WHAT YOU'VE JUST EXPLAINED.
AFTER ALL, MAN ISN'T STREAMLINED,
AND HE'S GOT CAVITIES IN HIS TEETH
INSTEAD OF HIS LEGS.
YOU'RE FORGETTING JUST ONE THING.
AND MAN DOESN'T HAVE WINGS?
NO, SOMETHING HE DOES HAVE-- A HIGHLY DEVELOPED BRAIN.
MAN'S BRAIN IS ALWAYS ENABLING HIM TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE.
MERLIN, I CAN JUST SEE YOU NOW,
FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, SOARING THROUGH THE SKIES!
WELL, NO, JEN, I WON'T BE DOING THE FLYING.
YOU WON'T?
WHO WILL? I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL PROBABLY GET A FOOTBALL PLAYER--
SOMEONE WITH AS MUCH MUSCLE AND AS LITTLE WEIGHT AS POSSIBLE.
I JUST PROVIDE THE BRAINPOWER.
HMM, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.
[chattering]
THAT'S IT,
THE CUBE OF THE VELOCITY.
THANK YOU, STANLEY.
[screeching]
(Judge Holmsby) SO, GENTLEMEN, THE MIDVALE FOOTBALL TEAM
IS ONCE AGAIN THREATENED BY MR. DEARBORNE.
[all booing]
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN, THE FATE OF THE TEAM
IS IN THE HANDS AND THE BRAIN OF MERLIN JONES.
[all cheering]
FOR NOW, I CAN REVEAL TO YOU
THAT MERLIN IS WORKING ON A SECRET PROJECT,
WHICH, IF SUCCESSFUL,
WILL BRING TO MIDVALE AN ENDOWMENT OF $10 MILLION.
[all whistling]
AND WITH $10 MILLION,
WE CAN UTTERLY REJECT MR. ASTERBILT'S $1 MILLION,
AND THE CONDITIONS THAT GO WITH IT,
AND PRESERVE FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE FOREVER.
[all cheering]
HOWEVER,
MERLIN IS NOW AT A STAGE IN THIS PROJECT
WHERE HE DOES NEED THE ASSISTANCE OF ONE MAN.
AND I BELIEVE THE MU MUS SHOULD HAVE THE HONOR
OF PROVIDING THAT MAN.
[all cheering]
AS HEAD OF THIS FRATERNITY, I VOLUNTEER THE SERVICES
OF EVERY SINGLE MU MU IN THIS ROOM!
[all cheering]
FINE, HAYWOOD, FINE.
NOW, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS DECIDE WHICH ONE IT WILL BE.
MERLIN HAS THE NAMES OF FOUR MEN
WHOM HE THINKS HAVE THE RIGHT QUALIFICATIONS.
CALL THEM OUT, MERLIN.
THEN WE'LL DRAW STRAWS
AND SEE WHO THE LUCKY ONE WILL BE.
YES, SIR. JIM ANDREWS.
LEON.
[all cheering]
A.J. COBB.
ME?!
[all cheering]
AND, FINALLY,
NORMAN!
[all cheering]
HEY, MERLIN, WHAT IS THIS SECRET PROJECT?
MAN-POWERED FLIGHT--
A FLYING MACHINE POWERED ONLY BY A MAN'S MUSCLES.
IT'LL NEVER WORK. MAYBE NOT.
BUT WE'RE GONNA TRY.
WE?
SURE.
ME AND WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU WINS THE JOB OF FLYING IT.
FLYING IT?!
(Leon) YOU MEAN ONE OF US IS GONNA FLY IT?
I DON'T THINK I'M THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB.
I GOT THIS SINUS CONDITION.
YEAH, AND I GOT DANDRUFF.
OH, REALLY, I DO. LOOK.
JUST ONE MOMENT.
MU MU HONOR IS AT STAKE.
WE'LL GO AHEAD AND DRAW STRAWS.
THE LONGEST ONE LOSES.
[chuckles] I MEAN WINS--
WINS THE HONOR OF FLYING.
[indistinct chatter]
QUIET. QUIET, GENTLEMEN!
QUIET.
REMEMBER, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MOMENT.
LINE UP, PLEASE.
NORMAN.
[laughing]
JIM.
A.J.
LEON.
[all cheering, shouting indistinctly]
QUIET! FELLAS, QUIET! QUIET!
MY BOY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT MIDVALE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER AND APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO,
NO MATTER WHETHER IT'S SUCCESSFUL OR NOT.
IN FACT, I INTEND TO INTRODUCE A RESOLUTION
TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS,
ASKING THEM TO NAME THE STADIUM AFTER YOU.
NO FOOLING?
NO FOOLING.
JUST THINK, 90,000 CHEERING STUDENTS IN YOUR STADIUM--
THE LEON MEMORIAL STADIUM.
MEMORIAL STADIUM?!
[laughter]
WELL, UH, I JUST CALLED IT
THE FIRST THING THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD.
YOU CAN CALL IT ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE.
[whimpers] I WANT TO CALL IT QUITS.
[all awing]
I DON'T THINK SO...
ARE YOU READY, LEON?
I SUPPOSE SO.
OH, LEON, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
I DO? OF COURSE YOU DO.
MY BOY, THIS IS THE LAST STEP IN YOUR TRAINING.
I WANT YOU TO SEE A FILM
OF VARIOUS FLYING MACHINES IN ACTION.
LIGHTS, PLEASE, JENNIFER.
THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE TO LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES.
SOME OF THESE FLYING MACHINES ARE MOTOR-DRIVEN,
SO, OF COURSE, CAN'T BE USED IN MAN-POWERED FLIGHT.
STANLEY?
BUT WE'RE INTERESTED
IN THE SCIENTIFIC THINKING THAT WENT INTO DESIGNING THEM--
THE AERODYNAMICS, THE THEORY OF FLIGHT.
(Merlin) ANY FOOL CAN SEE THIS WILL NEVER GET OFF THE GROUND.
CAN'T YOU, LEON? [laughing] SURE.
AT LEAST THIS FELLA KNEW THAT THE HEAVIER THE LOAD,
THE MORE POWER NEEDED FOR LIFTING,
SO HE KEPT THE WEIGHT DOWN.
[laughing] KEPT EVERYTHING ELSE DOWN, TOO.
I WONDER IF MR. GREEN WOULD OKAY ROCKETS.
OH, GUESS NOT.
ANY FLYING MACHINE NEEDS THE LIGHTEST
AND STRONGEST MATERIALS POSSIBLE.
LIGHT ENOUGH TO LIFT
AND STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD TOGETHER UNDER PRESSURE.
THIS IS NEITHER.
NOW WE COME TO THE ORNITHOPTIC APPROACH TO FLYING.
TRYING TO FLY BY IMITATING
THE UP-AND-DOWN MOVEMENT OF A BIRD'S WINGS,
NOT UNLIKE TRYING TO SWIM
BY IMITATING THE WIGGLE OF A FISH'S TAIL.
THESE FELLAS JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FLYING.
NOW WE SEE THE APPLICATION OF SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLES.
THIS WING STRUCTURE REPRESENTS A GREAT ADVANCE.
[laughing]
BUT IT ISN'T QUITE PERFECT.
ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS DIFFERENT, THAT FLYING MACHINE
IS ACTUALLY VERY MUCH LIKE OURS.
WE'LL LOOK AROUND AND SEE IF WE CAN FIND A CLIFF LIKE THAT
TO LAUNCH YOU FROM,
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE AIR CURRENTS.
I GUESS THERE WERE NO AIR CURRENTS THAT DAY.
IT SHOULD'VE FLOWN.
LIGHTS.
THE IMPORTAN THING, LEON, THAT WE'VE LEARNED IS--
LEON?
LEON?!
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!
I'M TAKING OFF,
BUT WITH BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND.
DIDN'T YOU LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE FILM?
SURE. I LEARNED WHAT KIND OF A BIRD I AM--
CHICKEN.
[Stanley chattering]
YOU KNOW, LEON, THIS MAN-POWERED FLIGHT PROJECT
IS MAKING YOU THE HERO OF THE CAMPUS.
ALL THE GIRLS SIGH WHENEVER YOUR NAME IS MENTIONED.
THEY DO?
AND SO DO I.
YOU DO?
(Jennifer) JUST THINK,
A MAN FLYIING UNDER HIS OWN POWER.
AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
IT'S FOR THE BIRDS.
OH, IT'S SUCH A ROMANTIC IDEA,
LIKE THE CONQUEST OF SPACE,
LIKE THOSE ADORABLE ASTRONAUTS,
LIKE THE PIONEERS OF THE AMERICAN WEST,
LIKE THE BOLD EXPLORERS
WHO FIRST CHARTED THE POLAR REGIONS.
YOUR NAME WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY
ALONGSIDE THE OTHER GREAT ONES--COLUMBUS,
LINDBERGH, AND THAT LITTLE DOG
THE RUSSIANS FIRST SHOT INTO SPACE.
WHAT WAS THE LITTLE DOG'S NAME?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
BUT YOUR NAME WILL BE REMEMBERED FOREVER.
IT WILL?
YOU MEAN LIKE COLUMBUS?
AND LINDBERGH?
AND THAT LITTLE RUSSIAN DOG?
WHEN DO WE TAKE OFF? TOMORROW.
THAT'S TOO SOON.
IT'S ONLY A TEST FLIGHT
TO GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE AND EXPERIENCE.
FOR THE OFFICIAL FLIGHT, OF COURSE,
YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE OFF UNDER YOUR OWN POWER.
BUT TOMORROW WE'RE GOING TO LAUNCH YOU
FROM THE TOP OF A CAR GOING 90 MILES AN HOUR.
90 MILES AN HOUR?!
YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF GOING 90 MILES AN HOUR, NOT YOU.
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT IT'S ILLEGAL, A-AND IT'S--
YES, I'M AFRAID.
AW, DON'T LET THE 90-MILE-AN-HOUR PART SCARE YOU.
WE'LL LAUNCH YOU AT 60.
SMILE, LEON.
YOU LOOK AS THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH.
WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT.
LEON, I'M GOING TO ELIMINATE YOUR FEARS.
YOU'RE CALLING THE WHOLE THING OFF?
NO, MERLIN'S GOING TO PREPARE YOU PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
CONSIDER THE BUMBLEBEE.
NOW SCIENTISTS KNOW THAT IT'S AERODYNAMICALLY UNSOUND
AND SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FLY.
BUT THE BUMBLEBEE DOESN'T KNOW IT.
SO HE GOES AND FLIES ANYWAY.
AND THE BIRD DOESN'T WORRY
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE CAN GET OFF THE GROUND.
HE JUST TAKES OFF AND FLIES.
AND MERLIN WANTS YOU TO THINK LIKE A BIRD.
HOW DO I DO THAT? WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU.
YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP HERE, AND I'LL SING TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
OH. AND WILL YOU HOLD MY HAND?
OH, I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE. I'LL SING TO YOU ON A RECORD.
OH, I SEE. IT'S SLEEP LEARNING, LEON,
THE SAME TECHNIQUE THAT GOT YOU AN "A" IN ENGLISH LIT.
THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO LEARN TO THINK LIKE A BIRD.
AND TOMORROW YOU'LL BE THE FIRST MAN TO FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER.
[chattering] THERE YOU ARE, LEON. NOW, TO BED WE GO.
JUST RELAX, AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
JUST EMPTY YOUR MIND.
THAT'S IT. VERY GOOD.
I CAN SEE BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE,
YOU DON'T HAVE A THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD.
JUST KEEP IT THAT WAY.
YOUR HEAD IS AN EMPTY CUP,
WHICH WE WILL FILL WITH THE THOUGHTS WE WANT IN IT.
GOOD NIGHT, LEON.
PLEASANT DREAMS.
(Jennifer on record player) HELLO, LEON.
I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
JUST SAY TO YOURSELF,
"I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK."
* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY
* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH
* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY
* AS SWIFTLY AS AN ARROW
* AS GENTLY AS A SPARROW
* I CAN FLY
* I CAN FLY *
[birds honking]
[honking continues]
[honks]
[pigeon cooing]
[squawking]
[crow cawing]
[caws]
OH.
OKAY, LEON, HERE WE GO.
UH, JENNIFER?
YES, LEON?
SING TO ME AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, LEON.
* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK
* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY *
* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH
* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY *
[both singing] * AS SWIFTLY AS AN ARROW
* AS GENTLY AS A SPARROW
* I CAN FLY
HE'S OKAY NOW.
STANLEY, BE SURE AND TRIP THE RELEASE [engine turning]
AS SOON AS I PUT ON THE BRAKE.
* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK
* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY
25...
30...
35...
40...
(Leon) * I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK
* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY
* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH
* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY
52...
54...
* I CAN FLY, I CAN FLY
60!
[brakes squeal] WHEE!
YOU'VE DONE IT! YOU'VE DONE IT!
* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK
* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY
* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH
* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY
* AS SWIFTLY AS AN ARROW *
* AS GENTLY AS A SPARROW
* I CAN FLY
MERLIN, CAN I ASK A DUMB QUESTION? SURE.
HOW DOES HE LAND?
THAT'S THE ONE BUG I HAVEN'T IRONED OUT YET.
* I CAN FLY
[breathing heavily]
I CAN FLY.
I CAN...
FLY?
FLY?!
I CAN'T FLY!
HE'S FALLING!
DON'T PANIC! LAND ON THIS!
RIGHT THERE, MERLIN.
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT--NO. HEY!
OVER HERE, MERLIN!
THAT'S THE WRONG WAY!
THIS WAY!
GET THAT THING UNDER ME!
MERLIN, HELP ME! QUICK!
FASTER.
GO FASTER. FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!
(Merlin) I'M GOING QUICK. DON'T WORRY!
RUN FASTER, MERLIN.
COME ON!
RUN FASTER, PLEASE!
TH--THAT'S IT, MERLIN.
BUT RUN FASTER!
FASTER!
OH!
UNH!
HELP!
SOMEBODY HELP!
LOOK OUT FOR THE HOG WALLOW!
WHAT HOG WALLOW?!
OH!
AAAH!
OH, LEON!
[laughing] [pigs squealing]
LEON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
SAY SOMETHING, LEON. WHY DOESN'T HE SAY ANYTHING?
LEON, SAY SOMETHING. ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
I DON'T WANT A MEMORIAL STADIUM.
I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN IN HISTORY
WITH COLUMBUS AND THE PIONEERS
AND THAT LITTLE RUSSIAN DOG WHOSE NAME YOU CAN'T REMEMBER.
I QUIT!
K-W-I-T, "KWIT"!
[groans]
[spits]
OH, MRS. GOSSETT, ARE YOU SURE
THERE'VE BEEN NO CALLS FOR ME?
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE ASKED IN THE LAST HOUR.
THIS IS GOOD. BEST EATIN' I HAD SINCE I LEFT NEW ENGLAND.
THANK YOU. PLEASE HAVE SOME MORE.
UH, NO, THANKS. I HAD THREE HELPINGS ALREADY.
FOUR.
OH, OH, BUT WHO COUNTS? [laughing]
[doorbell rings] UH, I'LL GET IT.
THE TEST-- HOW DID IT GO?
IT WASN'T THAT BAD...
WAS IT, JENNIFER?
BUT...
MERLIN, THE IMPORTANT THING IS, YOU MUST NOT GIVE UP.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A MAN FLYING WITHIN TWO DAYS,
MIDVALE COLLEGE LOSES $10 MILLION
AND ITS FOOTBALL TEAM.
JUDGE, TRY AND UNDERSTAND.
I TRIED TO GET AROUND THE LAWS OF AERODYNAMICS AND FAILED.
THE PROJECT WAS DOOMED FROM THE START!
[whispering] SHH, QUIET, MERLIN.
WE DON'T WANT MR. GREEN TO GET DISCOURAGED.
[whispering] WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M DISCOURAGED UP TO HERE.
OH, BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT.
DON'T YOU THINK EINSTEIN WAS DISCOURAGED
BEFORE HE DISCOVERED... WHATEVER IT WAS HE DISCOVERED.
BUT DID HE GIVE UP? NO, HE DID NOT.
HE KEPT RIGHT ON UNTIL HE DISCOVERED
W-W-WHATEVER IT WAS HE DISCOVERED.
JUDGE, LISTEN, "A," THE TEST FLIGHT WAS A BUST.
"B," LEON QUIT. "C," I QUIT.
I'M SORRY, JUDGE.
WAIT A MINUTE, JENNIFER.
IT'S UP TO YOU NOW.
YOU MUST GET MERLIN BACK ON THE TRACK.
[whispering] BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY--
LISTEN, BEHIND EVERY MAN WHO EVER ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING,
THERE'S A WOMAN NAGGING HIM ON TO SUCCESS.
ON YOUR FAIR SHOULDERS
RESTS THE FORTUNE OF MIDVALE COLLEGE.
YOU MUST PERSUADE MERLIN NOT TO GIVE UP.
PERSUADE HIM? HOW?
GIRLS ARE BORN KNOWING HOW, ESPECIALLY THE PRETTY ONES.
(Merlin) COMING, JEN?
GOOD NIGHT, JUDGE.
GOOD NIGHT.
THIS IS THE FINEST CIGAR I EVER SMOKED.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING IT.
THOUGHT I HEARD MERLIN. WAS THAT MERLIN?
MERLIN? OH, MERLIN.
YES, THAT WAS MERLIN.
WELL, HOW DID THE TEST FLIGHT GO?
MARVELOUSLY.
IT WAS A SMASHING SUCCESS,
ABSOLUTELY SMASHING.
WHAT MORE CAN I DO, JEN? I'VE TRIED AND FAILED.
QUITTERS NEVER WIN, AND WINNERS NEVER QUIT.
MAN CAN'T FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER.
LOOK, IF YOU LIKE, I CAN SHOW YOU MATHEMATICALLY
WHY THIS IS AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT ALL THAT.
I JUST KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
BUT GREAT MINDS THROUGHOUT THE AGES
HAVE TRIED TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM--
ICARUS, LEONARDO DA VINCI.
AND NOW MERLIN JONES.
THAT'S YOU, DEAR.
NO, MAN-POWERED FLIGHT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU.
THIS IS.
JEN, I'VE GOT TO FACE THE FACTS.
I DESIGNED THE BEST POSSIBLE FLYING MACHINE I COULD,
BUT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
AND WHY WASN'T IT GOOD ENOUGH? BECAUSE MAN ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU MAKE MAN STRONGER.
JEN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
YOU JUST PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT WITH YOUR DUMB QUESTION.
ON WHAT?
[growling] OH!
MERLIN!
OH!
MERLIN!
MERLIN, I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.
I WAS SCARED.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.
YOU DID JUST WHAT I WANTED YOU TO.
YOU MEAN YOU WANTED ME TO... I FRIGHTENED YOU.
AND THE FEAR SENT A SURGE OF ADRENALINE INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM
THE ADRENALINE MADE YOUR HEART BEAT FASTER
AND RELEASED SUGAR INTO YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM,
PROVIDING YOU WITH A TEMPORARY SUPER ENERGY,
A SUPERSTRENGTH.
MERLIN, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
I'M FINE. DON'T YOU SEE, JEN?
IF YOU DID THE SAME THING NOW THAT THE MOMENT OF FEAR IS GONE,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A FRACTION OF THE POWER IN YOUR PUNCH.
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HURT ME AT ALL.
I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
JEN, WILL YOU TRY AND BE SCIENTIFIC FOR A MINUTE
AND NOT JUST FEMININE?
DON'T YOU SEE? ADRENALINE IS THE ANSWER TO OUR PROBLEM,
BECAUSE IT MAKES MEN STRONGER.
REMEMBER WHEN I DID THIS?
[growling]
STOP THAT!
LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE!
AAH!
I TRUST, YOUNG LADY, THAT BRUTE DIDN'T HURT YOU.
YOU HURT HIM!
OH!
YOU SEE, JEN? ADRENALINE AGAIN!
ANGER WORKS THE SAME WAY AS FEAR,
AND WITH ADRENALINE IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM,
YOU'RE AS STRONG AS AN OVERGROWN GORILLA.
MERLIN JONES. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
OH, BUT, MR. DEARBORNE--
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU FEMALE MONSTER, YOU.
BUT, MISTER--
ONE STEP NEARER, AND I SHALL YELL FOR THE POLICE.
I JUST WANTED TO EXPLAIN. NO, NO!
[laughs]
COME ON, WE GOT WORK TO DO.
(Merlin) WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO
IS SYNTHESIZE AN ADRENALINE DERIVATIVE
THAT WON'T JUST GIVE A BURST OF SUPERSTRENGTH,
BUT WILL PRODUCE A SUSTAINED SURGE OF POWER.
BUT YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS ALMOST ALL NIGHT.
WOULDN'T BE EASIER TO MAKE A PERSON ANGRY?
BUT YOU COULDN'T KEEP HIM ANGRY,
ESPECIALLY AFTER HE WERE AIRBORNE.
NOW, THEN...
LIQUID STRENGTH.
NOW, LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS.
OH, NO! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU TAKE IT.
THAT'S STANLEY'S JOB, ISN'T IT, STANLEY?
YOU SEE? HE LIKES IT.
[growling loudly]
[grunting loudly]
LOOK AT THAT.
[accordion noises]
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
[metal warping]
[chattering wildly]
THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH, STANLEY. YOU PROVED YOUR POINT.
STANLEY! PUT THAT DOWN AT ONCE!
[growling]
[chattering wildly]
WELL, ANYWAY, THIS MEANS THAT WITH LIQUID STRENGTH,
MAN-POWERED FLIGHT WILL WORK.
I'LL CALL THE JUDGE AND TELL HIM
TO HAVE DARIUS GREEN ON THE FIELD IN THE MORNING
AND TO MAKE SURE HE BRINGS HIS CHECKBOOK WITH HIM.
BUT LEON QUIT. WE DON'T NEED LEON.
NOW THAT WE HAVE LIQUID STRENGTH, I CAN DO IT MYSELF.
OH, MERLIN, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
YOU ASKED THE MOST BRILLIANT DUMB QUESTIONS
OF ANYONE I KNOW.
OH, THAT'S THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
JEN, YOU'RE REALLY WONDERFUL.
MERLIN!
STANLEY, PUT ME DOWN.
STANLEY, YOU PUT MERLIN DOWN. PUT ME DOWN.
COME ON, NOW, PUT ME DOWN.
PUT HIM DOWN. STANLEY.
STANLEY, PUT HIM DOWN. STANLEY, COME ON.
STANLEY. YOU PUT HIM DOWN THIS MINUTE.
STANLEY, PUT ME DOWN.
LET ME SAY, MR. GREEN, HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE
FOR YOUR VERY GENEROUS OFFER.
OH, NOTHING TO IT.
THAT YOUNG FELLA THERE CAN CLEAR MY GRANDDADDY'S NAME,
WORTH EVERY PENNY I HAVE IN THE WORLD.
WELL, COME AND SIT DOWN, MR. GREEN.
WE'RE ABOUT READY TO START.
HARDLY LOOKS LIKE A MAN
WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO GIVE AWAY.
CAN'T TELL A MAN'S WEALTH BY HIS LOOKS,
ONLY BY HIS BANK ACCOUNT.
BUT LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES.
THAT'S THE WAY THESE RICH ECCENTRICS ARE.
THE MORE MONEY THEY'VE GOT,
THE MORE DEPLORABLE THEIR CLOTHES.
UH, HAVE A CIGAR.
[chuckles] THANKS.
SHALL WE, UH, GO AHEAD?
UH, YEAH.
TAKE OFF WHEN READY!
A-OKAY!
GOOD LUCK, MERLIN.
THANKS, JEN.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
AH.
[gulps]
[exhaling deeply]
OFF WE GO.
[whirring]
[chattering]
[whirring continues]
[chattering]
[chattering loudly]
[whirring intensifies]
[chattering]
HE MADE IT!
I SURE WISH MY GRANDDADDY COULD SEE HIM NOW.
LOOK OUT!
LOOK AT THAT. HE CAN STAY UP THERE FOR HOURS.
ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?
I'M GETTING SO SURE OF THAT YOUNG FELLA
THAT I'M GONNA WRITE OUT THIS CHECK RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
OH, THERE'S NO HURRY, BUT HERE'S THE PEN.
[laughs]
WELL, I DON'T EXPECT WE'LL NEED
ASTERBILT'S SMALL CHANGE NOW, RIGHT, GENTLEMEN?
QUITE RIGHT. THAT'S THE END OF ASTERBILT.
AND WE CAN KEEP FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE.
HERE YOU ARE, JUDGE.
THANK YOU, MR. GREEN.
[gasps]
THIS IS NOT FOR $10 MILLION.
NO. HE'S DOING SO WELL UP THERE,
I THOUGHT I'D UP THE ANTE.
[whirring continues]
HE DOUBLED IT!
HE PUT $20 MILLION!
$20 MILLION.
WHERE'S DEARBORNE? I'D LIKE HIM TO SEE THAT CHECK.
HE SAID HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE LATE,
BUT THAT HE'D BE HERE.
UH, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JUDGE?
I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D DO IT.
OH, I NEVER HAD ANY DOUBTS. MERLIN'S A VERY BRILLIANT BOY.
HE ALWAYS SEEMED SHATTER-PATED TO ME.
SHATTER-PATED?
UH, TOUCHED, ADDLED, MOONSTRUCK.
WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW HE MIGHT GIVE THAT IMPRESSION.
YOU SEE, HIS MIND IS ALWAYS PREOCCUPIED
WITH SCIENTIFIC PROBLEMS.
UH, THAT BUNCH OVER THERE--
THEY'RE ALL SHATTER-PATED, TOO.
[car door closes] WELL, THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.
IT ISN'T EVERY DAY THAT THEY SEE A CHECK FOR $20 MILLION.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JUDGE?
I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT YOU, AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION
YOU'RE SHATTER-PATED, TOO.
HELLO, HENRY. WE FOUND YOU AGAIN.
WALTER, TONY,
THIS IS JUDGE HOLMSBY.
(Walter) HI, JUDGE.
WELL, COME ALONG, HENRY.
BUT, GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE MISTAKEN. THIS IS MR. DARIUS GREEN.
DARIUS GREEN? [chuckles]
ONCE HE WAS ALEXANDER HAMILTON,
AND HE TRIED TO GIVE AWAY THE UNITED STATES TREASURY.
[gasps]
DID HE OFFER YOU ANY MONEY?
WELL, JUST--JUST $20 MILLION FOR MIDVALE COLLEGE.
WELL, HE MUST HAVE LIKED YOU.
HE ONLY OFFERED HARVARD $5 MILLION.
[stammering] YOU MEAN THE WHOLE THING...
HIS GENEROSITY IS EQUALED ONLY BY HIS POVERTY.
UH-HUH. COME ALONG, HENRY.
GOT TO HUMOR THEM, JUDGE.
THEY'RE NICE FELLOWS, BUT THEY'RE BOTH SHATTER-PATED.
[laughs]
GOOD TO SEE YOU, TONY. HIYA, WALTER.
(Judge Holmsby) MERLIN!
MERLIN, IT'S ALL A MISTAKE! THE DEAL'S OFF!
WHY?! WHAT'S THE MATTER?!
MR. DARIUS GREEN DOESN'T HAVE ANY MILLIONS TO GIVE!
HE'S SHATTER-PATED!
WE'RE ALL OF US SHATTER-PATED!
OH, NO!
MERLIN, BE CAREFUL!
[squealing]
HENRY, HENRY!
COME BACK!
[brakes squeal]
AHHH.
[laughs] OH, YEAH.
MERLIN, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
WELL, JUDGE, THERE GOES FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A MUD BATH?
[laughs] NOW, TAKE IT EASY, JUDGE.
NO SENSE BEING A BAD LOSER.
[laughing]
[laughing stops] WHY, MR. ASTERBILT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU, DEARBORNE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT CHECK RIGHT NOW.
(Dearborne) OH, MR. ASTERBILT, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, INDEED.
WELL, I HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH THESE SHATTER-PATED FELLAS.
SO I'LL JUST SIGN THIS,
AND YOU FILL IT IN NOW FOR ANY AMOUNT YOU WANT.
COME ALONG.
BYE, DEARBORNE.
WHERE ARE THOSE MEN TAKING MR. ASTERBILT?
[all laughing]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH EVERYBODY?
MR. ASTERBILT JUST GAVE ME A CHECK
FOR ANY AMOUNT I CARE TO NAME.
[laughing continues]
WELL, IF YOU'RE COLLECTING HIS WORTHLESS CHECKS,
HERE'S ONE FOR $20 MILLION.
OH. OH, YES. [laughing]
OH, YES, HE...
EASY COME, EASY...
GO.
[whimpering]
COME BACK, HENRY!
COME BACK!
[neighing]
HI-OH, SILVER!
AWAY!
(all) HI-OH!
OH, COME BACK!
[all laughing]
COME BACK HERE, I SAY!