1 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:34,530 - You wanted to see me, Doctor? - Have you seen Mrs Vogler, Sister? 2 00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:37,658 - No, not yet. - Then I'll fill you in... 3 00:06:37,821 --> 00:06:42,133 ...and give you the reasons why you're to care for her. 4 00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:48,171 Mrs Vogler is an actress, as you know, and was performing in Electra, 5 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:52,415 ln the middle of the play she fell silent and looked around as if in surprise. 6 00:06:52,582 --> 00:06:55,540 She remained quiet for a minute. 7 00:07:07,503 --> 00:07:13,022 Afterwards she excused herself by saying she was overcome by laughter. 8 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:17,699 The next day the theatre rang and asked if she'd forgotten her rehearsal. 9 00:07:17,863 --> 00:07:21,255 When the housekeeper went in she was still in bed. 10 00:07:21,424 --> 00:07:25,736 She was awake but didn't answer questions and didn't move. 11 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:31,262 She's been like this for three months and been given every conceivable test. 12 00:07:31,424 --> 00:07:36,704 The result is clear. She's perfectly healthy, both mentally and physically. 13 00:07:36,865 --> 00:07:40,620 lt's not even a question of some kind of hysterical reaction. 14 00:07:40,786 --> 00:07:43,299 Any questions, Sister Alma? 15 00:07:43,466 --> 00:07:47,141 No? Then you can go in to Mrs Vogler. 16 00:07:54,866 --> 00:08:00,101 Good day, Mrs Vogler. My name is Sister Alma. 17 00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:03,862 I've been employed to look after you for a while. 18 00:08:05,987 --> 00:08:11,346 Perhaps I should tell you about myself. I'm 25, engaged... 19 00:08:11,508 --> 00:08:15,296 l got my nursing certificate two years ago. 20 00:08:15,469 --> 00:08:21,101 My parents have a farm. My mother was also a nurse before she married. 21 00:08:23,268 --> 00:08:25,259 I'll fetch the dinner tray. 22 00:08:25,428 --> 00:08:29,263 lt's fried liver and fruit salad. lt looks really good. 23 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:33,988 Do you want to raise your head? ls it okay like that? 24 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:44,388 Sister Alma. What's your first impression? 25 00:08:44,551 --> 00:08:47,349 l don't know what to say, Doctor. 26 00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:53,460 First her face looks soft, almost childish. Then you see her eyes... 27 00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:56,749 She's got such a severe look, I think. 28 00:08:56,912 --> 00:09:01,064 - I don't know, I should... - What were you thinking? 29 00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:05,908 - I thought I should refuse the job. - Did something frighten you? 30 00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:12,069 No, but she should have a nurse who's older and more experienced. 31 00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:16,863 - Experienced in life. I may not cope. - Cope? 32 00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:19,149 Mentally. 33 00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:24,472 lf Mrs Vogler's silence and immobility is the result of a decision... 34 00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:27,706 - ...it must be as she's seen as healthy. - Well? 35 00:09:27,874 --> 00:09:33,267 lt's a decision that shows great mental strength. Perhaps I'm not up to it. 36 00:09:35,154 --> 00:09:39,433 You might like to see the dusk, Mrs Vogler. I can draw them later. 37 00:09:42,475 --> 00:09:46,388 Shall I turn on the radio? There's a play, I think. 38 00:09:48,715 --> 00:09:54,109 Forgive me, my darling, Oh, you must forgive me, 39 00:09:54,276 --> 00:09:58,315 l don't desire anything other than your forgiveness, 40 00:09:59,476 --> 00:10:03,992 What are you laughing at, Mrs Vogler? ls it the actress that's funny? 41 00:10:04,155 --> 00:10:09,310 What do you know about compassion? What do you know? 42 00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:12,196 What do you know about compassion? 43 00:10:16,677 --> 00:10:20,352 l don't understand things like that, Mrs Vogler. 44 00:10:20,518 --> 00:10:25,034 I'm interested in film and theatre, but I go so seldom. 45 00:10:25,198 --> 00:10:28,669 l have enormous admiration for artists. 46 00:10:28,838 --> 00:10:32,752 l think art has an enormous importance in life. 47 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:37,947 Especially for people who have problems of some kind. 48 00:10:38,119 --> 00:10:42,829 l shouldn't talk to you about things like that. I'm skating on thin ice. 49 00:10:42,999 --> 00:10:46,151 I'll see if I can find some music. 50 00:10:46,321 --> 00:10:48,151 ls that good? 51 00:10:50,641 --> 00:10:53,597 Good night, Mrs Vogler. Sleep well. 52 00:12:39,849 --> 00:12:41,680 Damn! 53 00:12:49,009 --> 00:12:54,482 lt's strange. You go around almost any old how. 54 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:58,404 Do almost any old thing. 55 00:12:59,650 --> 00:13:04,930 I'll marry Karl-Henrik and we'll have a few children that I'll raise. 56 00:13:06,091 --> 00:13:09,686 All that is decided. lt's inside of me. 57 00:13:09,850 --> 00:13:13,241 lt's nothing to ponder over. 58 00:13:13,411 --> 00:13:16,482 lt's a huge feeling of security. 59 00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:20,724 Then I have a job that I like and am happy with. 60 00:13:20,892 --> 00:13:24,885 That's good too. But in another way. 61 00:13:26,012 --> 00:13:29,129 But it's good... good. 62 00:13:31,532 --> 00:13:33,285 lt's good. 63 00:13:40,213 --> 00:13:43,808 l wonder what's really wrong with her? 64 00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:49,404 Elisabet Vogler... 65 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:52,763 Elisabet. 66 00:15:25,022 --> 00:15:28,571 Would you like me to open the letter, Mrs Vogler? 67 00:15:34,661 --> 00:15:36,574 Shall I read it? 68 00:15:42,102 --> 00:15:44,332 Shall I read it to you? 69 00:15:52,344 --> 00:15:57,577 ''Dear Elisabet: As I'm not allowed to see you, I'm writing.'' 70 00:15:57,743 --> 00:16:01,817 ''lf you don't want to read my letter, you can ignore it.'' 71 00:16:03,424 --> 00:16:07,782 ''l can't help seeking this contact with you'' - 72 00:16:07,945 --> 00:16:11,380 - ''as I'm tormented by a constant question:'' 73 00:16:11,544 --> 00:16:17,541 ''Have I harmed you in some way? Have I hurt you without knowing?'' 74 00:16:17,705 --> 00:16:22,302 ''Has some terrible misunderstanding arisen between us?'' 75 00:16:27,466 --> 00:16:30,060 Should I really read any more? 76 00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:43,544 ''As far as I understood, we were happy recently. We've never been...'' 77 00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:46,905 ''...as close to one another.'' 78 00:16:47,028 --> 00:16:54,025 ''Do you remember saying: Now l understand what marriage means?'' 79 00:16:54,188 --> 00:16:59,547 ''You have taught me...'' l can't see what's written here. 80 00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:02,667 ''You have taught...'' Now I see... 81 00:17:02,828 --> 00:17:09,143 ''You've taught me that we must see each other as two anxious children'' - 82 00:17:09,309 --> 00:17:13,143 - ''filled with good will and the best intentions.'' 83 00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:16,108 ''But gov...'' 84 00:17:16,270 --> 00:17:22,220 Now I see it. ''But governed by forces we only partially control.'' 85 00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:25,860 ''Do you remember saying all of that?'' 86 00:17:26,030 --> 00:17:31,424 ''We were walking in the woods and you stopped and held my belt...'' 87 00:17:39,151 --> 00:17:42,827 There was a photograph with the letter as well. 88 00:17:42,992 --> 00:17:47,270 lt's a photograph of your son. l don't know if... 89 00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:50,981 Would you like it, Mrs Vogler? 90 00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,825 He looks awfully sweet. 91 00:18:24,115 --> 00:18:29,747 I've been thinking, Elisabet. I don't think you should remain at the hospital. 92 00:18:29,915 --> 00:18:33,749 l think it's harmful. As you don't want to go home - 93 00:18:33,915 --> 00:18:38,831 - you and Sister Alma can move out to my summer place by the sea. Hmm? 94 00:18:40,276 --> 00:18:45,794 Don't you think I understand? The hopeless dream of being. 95 00:18:45,956 --> 00:18:48,346 Not seeming, but being. 96 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:54,395 Consious at every moment. Vigilant. 97 00:18:55,238 --> 00:19:00,266 At the same time the chasm between what you are to others and to yourself. 98 00:19:00,437 --> 00:19:05,911 The feeling of vertigo and the constant desire to at last be exposed. 99 00:19:06,958 --> 00:19:13,067 To be seen through, cut down, perhaps even annihilated. 100 00:19:14,399 --> 00:19:20,714 Every tone of voice a lie, every gesture a falsehood, every smile a grimace. 101 00:19:20,879 --> 00:19:24,555 Commit suicide? Oh, no. 102 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:28,999 That's ugly. You don't do that. 103 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:34,838 But you can be immobile, you can fall silent. Then at least you don't lie. 104 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,277 You can close yourself in, shut yourself off. 105 00:19:38,441 --> 00:19:43,195 Then you don't have to play roles, show any faces or make false gestures. 106 00:19:43,361 --> 00:19:45,477 You think... 107 00:19:46,522 --> 00:19:51,357 But you see, reality is bloody-minded. Your hideout isn't watertight. 108 00:19:51,521 --> 00:19:54,958 Life seeps in everything. 109 00:19:57,562 --> 00:19:59,872 You're forced to react. 110 00:20:00,763 --> 00:20:06,395 No one asks if it's real or unreal, if you're true or false. 111 00:20:06,562 --> 00:20:11,716 lt's only in the theatre the question carries weight. Hardly even there. 112 00:20:12,762 --> 00:20:18,201 l understand you, Elisabet. I understand you're keeping silent, you're immobile. 113 00:20:18,364 --> 00:20:23,039 That you've placed this lack of will into a fantastic system. 114 00:20:23,204 --> 00:20:26,594 l understand and admire you. 115 00:20:26,763 --> 00:20:31,202 l think you should maintain this role until it's played out. 116 00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:35,120 Until it's no longer interesting. Then you can leave it. 117 00:20:35,285 --> 00:20:40,484 Just as you bit by bit leave all your other roles. 118 00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:49,605 rs Mogler and Sister Alma moved out to the doctor's house in late summer, 119 00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:54,037 The sojourn near the sea had a favourable effect on the actress, 120 00:20:54,206 --> 00:20:58,597 The apathy that had crippled her in hospital yields to long walks - 121 00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:03,238 - fishing trips, cooking, letter writing and other diversions, 122 00:21:03,406 --> 00:21:08,960 Sister Alma enjoys her rural seclusion and takes utmost care of her patient, 123 00:21:49,450 --> 00:21:53,330 Don't you know it's bad luck to compare hands? 124 00:22:10,373 --> 00:22:15,208 Elisabet? Can I read you something from my book? 125 00:22:15,373 --> 00:22:18,365 Or am I disturbing you? lt says here: 126 00:22:18,533 --> 00:22:22,924 ''All the anxiety we bear with us, all our thwarted dreams'' - 127 00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:27,484 - ''the incomprehensible cruelty, our fear of extinction'' - 128 00:22:27,653 --> 00:22:30,565 - ''the painful insight into our earthly condition'' - 129 00:22:30,734 --> 00:22:36,570 - ''have slowly eroded our hope of an other-wordly salvation.'' 130 00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:41,566 ''The howl of our faith and doubt against the darkness and silence'' - 131 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:45,570 - ''is one of the most awful proofs of our abandonment'' - 132 00:22:45,736 --> 00:22:49,775 - ''and our terrified, unuttered knowledge.'' 133 00:22:50,856 --> 00:22:53,734 Do you think it's like that? 134 00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:58,892 l don't believe it. 135 00:22:59,897 --> 00:23:03,970 Making changes... The worst thing with me is I'm so lazy. 136 00:23:04,136 --> 00:23:08,449 And then I get a bad conscience. Karl- Henrik scolds me for lacking ambition. 137 00:23:08,616 --> 00:23:12,575 He says I go around like a sleepwalker. l think that's unfair. 138 00:23:12,737 --> 00:23:18,176 l was best in my group with the exams. But he probably means something else. 139 00:23:19,977 --> 00:23:21,616 You know... 140 00:23:21,778 --> 00:23:25,611 Oh, sorry. You know what I sometimes think of? 141 00:23:25,778 --> 00:23:30,330 At the hospital where I did my exam, there's a home for old nurses. 142 00:23:30,499 --> 00:23:36,096 Ones that have always been nurses, lived for their work. Always in uniform. 143 00:23:36,259 --> 00:23:42,016 They live in their small rooms. lmagine devoting your whole life to something. 144 00:23:42,180 --> 00:23:46,059 l mean, believing in something. Accomplishing something. 145 00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:50,975 Believing that one's life has a purpose. l like things like that. 146 00:23:51,140 --> 00:23:55,054 Sticking to one thing doggedly, irrespective. I think one ought to. 147 00:23:56,181 --> 00:24:01,050 Mean something to other people. Don't you think so as well? 148 00:24:04,741 --> 00:24:08,372 l know it sounds childish, but I believe in it. 149 00:24:09,981 --> 00:24:13,054 Goodness, it's raining a lot! 150 00:24:13,542 --> 00:24:18,616 Oh, yes. He was married. We had a relationship for five years. 151 00:24:18,782 --> 00:24:21,615 Then he got tired, of course. 152 00:24:21,782 --> 00:24:25,458 l was very much in love, that's for sure. And he was the first. 153 00:24:25,622 --> 00:24:29,013 l remember it all like a long torment. 154 00:24:30,143 --> 00:24:34,580 Long periods of pain and then short moments when... 155 00:24:34,742 --> 00:24:40,340 I'm thinking of it as you've taught me to smoke. He smoked loads. 156 00:24:40,504 --> 00:24:45,259 Thinking of it afterwards, it's really banal. A real pulp fiction. 157 00:24:46,784 --> 00:24:50,903 ln a strange way it was never really real. 158 00:24:51,065 --> 00:24:56,742 l don't know how to describe it. At least, I was never quite real to him. 159 00:24:57,825 --> 00:25:02,103 My pain was real, that's for sure. 160 00:25:02,265 --> 00:25:07,340 Somehow it was is if it was part of it in some nasty way. 161 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:10,737 As if that's how it was supposed to be. 162 00:25:10,906 --> 00:25:14,740 Even the things we said to each other... 163 00:25:20,107 --> 00:25:25,181 Many people have told me that I'm a good listener. Funny, huh? 164 00:25:25,348 --> 00:25:30,741 No one's ever bothered to listen to me. Like you are now. You're listening. 165 00:25:30,907 --> 00:25:34,537 l think you're the first person who's listened to me. 166 00:25:34,708 --> 00:25:39,099 lt can't be interesting at all. You could read a good book instead. 167 00:25:39,268 --> 00:25:42,544 God, I'm going on. You're not getting irritated? 168 00:25:42,709 --> 00:25:46,019 lt's so nice to talk. lt feels so nice and warm. 169 00:25:46,189 --> 00:25:49,738 l feel like I've never felt in my whole life. 170 00:25:51,669 --> 00:25:55,981 l always wanted a sister. l only have a load of brothers. Seven. 171 00:25:56,149 --> 00:26:01,304 Funny, huh? Then I come along. I've been surrounded by boys all my life. 172 00:26:02,551 --> 00:26:09,183 l like boys. But you would know that with all your experience as an actress. 173 00:26:10,351 --> 00:26:16,109 l really like Karl-Henrik. But, you know, you only love once. 174 00:26:16,272 --> 00:26:21,585 I'm faithful to him. ln my profession there are opportunities, I can tell you. 175 00:26:25,712 --> 00:26:28,863 Karl-Henrik and I had hired a cottage by the sea. 176 00:26:28,992 --> 00:26:33,429 lt was June, we were all alone. 177 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:38,302 One day when Karl-Henrik had gone into town, I went to the beach alone. 178 00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:42,512 lt was really nice and warm. 179 00:26:42,674 --> 00:26:46,222 There was another girl there. She lived on an island nearby - 180 00:26:46,354 --> 00:26:51,632 - but had come over as our beach lay to the south and was more relaxed. 181 00:26:52,913 --> 00:26:57,067 So we lay beside one another completely naked and sunbathed. 182 00:26:57,194 --> 00:27:02,064 We slept a little, woke up, and put on some oil. 183 00:27:02,195 --> 00:27:07,064 We wore these hats on our heads, you know, those cheap straw hats. 184 00:27:07,195 --> 00:27:10,552 l had a blue ribbon around my hat. 185 00:27:12,275 --> 00:27:15,586 l lay looking out from under the hat - 186 00:27:15,716 --> 00:27:19,754 - glanced out at the landscape, the sea and the sun. 187 00:27:19,876 --> 00:27:21,991 lt was so curious. 188 00:27:27,357 --> 00:27:32,271 Suddenly I saw two figures jumping about on the rocks above us. 189 00:27:33,317 --> 00:27:36,788 They hid and peeped out occasionally. 190 00:27:36,918 --> 00:27:42,709 ''There are two boys looking at us'', l said to her. Her name was Katarina. 191 00:27:42,838 --> 00:27:46,672 ''Well, let them look'', she said, and turned on her back. 192 00:27:47,998 --> 00:27:50,957 lt was such a strange feeling. 193 00:27:51,079 --> 00:27:55,630 l wanted to run and put on my costume, but I just lay still... 194 00:27:55,759 --> 00:28:01,948 On my belly with my bum in the air, totally unembarrassed, totally calm. 195 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:10,629 All the time I had Katarina beside me with her breasts and thick thighs. 196 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:14,833 She just lay there giggling a little to herself. 197 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:22,234 Then I saw the boys had come nearer. They just stood looking at us. 198 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,869 l saw that they were terribly young. 199 00:28:27,001 --> 00:28:31,678 Then one of them, the bravest one - 200 00:28:31,802 --> 00:28:35,874 - he came up to us and squatted down beside Katarina. 201 00:28:36,002 --> 00:28:41,919 He pretended to be busy with his foot and sat poking between his toes. 202 00:28:42,042 --> 00:28:45,638 l felt totally strange. 203 00:28:47,363 --> 00:28:50,275 Suddenly I heard Katarina say: 204 00:28:50,403 --> 00:28:54,555 ''Aren't you going to come over here?'' 205 00:28:54,683 --> 00:28:58,881 Then she took his hand and helped him take his jeans and shirt off. 206 00:28:59,004 --> 00:29:05,034 Suddenly he was over her and she helped him in and held his behind. 207 00:29:06,844 --> 00:29:10,917 The other boy just sat on the slope and watched. 208 00:29:11,044 --> 00:29:15,755 l heard Katarina whisper in his ear and laugh. 209 00:29:15,885 --> 00:29:19,355 l had his face right next to me. 210 00:29:19,485 --> 00:29:23,034 lt was all red and swollen. 211 00:29:24,845 --> 00:29:29,124 Suddenly I turned over and said, ''Aren't you going to come to me too?'' 212 00:29:30,326 --> 00:29:35,764 Katarina said, ''Go to her now''. And he pulled out of her and... 213 00:29:35,886 --> 00:29:40,439 ...he fell over me, completely hard. He took hold of one breast. 214 00:29:40,568 --> 00:29:44,527 God, it hurt so much... 215 00:29:44,648 --> 00:29:49,562 l was all ready somehow, I came at once. Can you understand that? 216 00:29:49,687 --> 00:29:54,125 l was just going to tell him, ''Be careful so that I don't get pregnant'' - 217 00:29:54,247 --> 00:29:57,161 when he came. I felt... 218 00:29:57,288 --> 00:30:02,681 l felt it like I'd never felt it before how he sprayed his seed into me. 219 00:30:03,648 --> 00:30:09,007 He gripped my shoulders and bent backwards. I came over and over. 220 00:30:12,169 --> 00:30:16,720 Katarina lay on her side looking and she held him from behind. 221 00:30:19,370 --> 00:30:24,729 When he came she embraced him and made herself come with his hand. 222 00:30:25,770 --> 00:30:29,650 And when she came she screamed really loud. 223 00:30:35,331 --> 00:30:38,529 Then all three of us started laughing. 224 00:30:38,652 --> 00:30:43,008 We called the other boy sitting on the slope. His name was Peter. 225 00:30:47,971 --> 00:30:52,330 He came down all confused, looking frozen in the sunshine. 226 00:30:54,893 --> 00:30:59,603 Katarina unbuttoned his trousers and started playing with him. 227 00:30:59,733 --> 00:31:02,964 When he came she took him in her mouth. 228 00:31:04,054 --> 00:31:07,250 He bent down and started kissing her on the back. 229 00:31:07,374 --> 00:31:11,606 She turned around, took his head in both hands and gave him her breast. 230 00:31:11,734 --> 00:31:15,693 The other boy got so excited, so he and I started again. 231 00:31:17,214 --> 00:31:19,968 lt was as nice as the first time. 232 00:31:21,816 --> 00:31:27,287 Then we swam and parted. When l came back, Karl-Henrik had returned. 233 00:31:30,574 --> 00:31:35,331 We ate dinner together and drank the red wine he had with him. 234 00:31:36,616 --> 00:31:39,528 Then we slept together. 235 00:31:39,656 --> 00:31:44,684 lt's never been as good, before or since. Can you understand that? 236 00:31:45,257 --> 00:31:49,331 Then I fell pregnant, of course. 237 00:31:49,457 --> 00:31:54,167 Karl-Henrik, who's studying medicine, took me to a friend who aborted it. 238 00:31:55,618 --> 00:31:59,770 We were both happy. We didn't want any children. 239 00:31:59,899 --> 00:32:03,174 Not just then, anyway. 240 00:32:08,298 --> 00:32:14,215 lt doesn't make sense. None of it fits together. 241 00:32:14,380 --> 00:32:19,658 Then you get a bad conscience over small things. Can you understand? 242 00:32:19,779 --> 00:32:25,411 What happens to everything you believe in? lsn't it necessary? 243 00:32:27,181 --> 00:32:32,254 Can you be one and the same person at the same time? 244 00:32:32,381 --> 00:32:36,499 l mean, was I two people...? God, I'm being silly... 245 00:32:36,620 --> 00:32:40,773 l don't have any reason to start snivelling, anyway. 246 00:32:40,901 --> 00:32:44,052 Wait, I'm going to fetch a tissue. 247 00:33:03,862 --> 00:33:08,938 lt's nearly morning... and it's still raining. 248 00:33:15,303 --> 00:33:20,423 lmagine, I've been talking in a stream. I've talked and you've listened to me. 249 00:33:20,543 --> 00:33:25,572 How boring for you. Of what interest can my life be to you? 250 00:33:25,704 --> 00:33:28,059 One should be like you. 251 00:33:29,345 --> 00:33:33,815 You know what I thought when I saw your film that night? 252 00:33:33,944 --> 00:33:39,656 When I came home I saw myself in the mirror and thought: we're alike. 253 00:33:39,785 --> 00:33:43,859 Don't misunderstand me, you're much prettier, but we are alike in a way. 254 00:33:43,985 --> 00:33:48,615 l think I could turn myself into you. lf I made a real effort. 255 00:33:48,745 --> 00:33:50,703 l mean inside. 256 00:33:52,266 --> 00:33:56,624 You could turn yourself into me just like that. 257 00:33:56,746 --> 00:34:01,820 Although your soul would be much too big. lt would stick out everywhere! 258 00:34:04,908 --> 00:34:09,663 You should go to bed now. Otherwise you'll fall asleep at the table. 259 00:34:22,508 --> 00:34:27,264 No, I must go to bed. Otherwise I'll fall asleep at the table. 260 00:34:27,388 --> 00:34:30,699 That would be a little too uncomfortable. 261 00:34:33,270 --> 00:34:35,066 Good night. 262 00:37:27,882 --> 00:37:29,873 Listen, Elisabet... 263 00:37:32,164 --> 00:37:35,281 Did you speak to me last night? 264 00:38:04,606 --> 00:38:07,597 Were you in my room last night? 265 00:38:48,049 --> 00:38:50,801 Shall I take your mail as well? 266 00:38:51,608 --> 00:38:53,486 Can I have a taste? 267 00:38:55,210 --> 00:38:57,167 Bye. 268 00:40:00,775 --> 00:40:05,529 My dear: I'd always like to live like this. This silence, living cut off - 269 00:40:05,656 --> 00:40:10,491 - this feeling of the battered soul finally beginning to straighten out. 270 00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:18,693 Alma's spoiling me in the most moving manner. 271 00:40:20,737 --> 00:40:26,016 l think, by the way, that she's enjoying herself and is quite taken with me - 272 00:40:26,136 --> 00:40:32,054 - even smitten in an unconscious and delightful way. lt's fun studying her. 273 00:40:40,977 --> 00:40:43,810 Sometimes she cries over past sins - 274 00:40:43,977 --> 00:40:47,937 - an episodic orgy with a totally strange boy followed by an abortion. 275 00:40:48,098 --> 00:40:52,456 She complains that her notions of life don't accord with her actions. 276 00:46:22,604 --> 00:46:28,679 l see you're reading a play? That's a healthy sign, I'll tell the doctor. 277 00:46:31,725 --> 00:46:36,401 Don't you think we should leave soon? I'm starting to miss town. 278 00:46:36,525 --> 00:46:39,562 Aren't you? 279 00:46:53,286 --> 00:46:56,245 Would you like to make me really happy? 280 00:46:56,887 --> 00:47:01,199 l know it's a sacrifice, but I need your help right now. 281 00:47:01,327 --> 00:47:05,605 lt's nothing dangerous. But I want you to talk to me. 282 00:47:05,727 --> 00:47:11,199 Doesn't have to be special. Anything, what we're having for dinner - 283 00:47:11,328 --> 00:47:16,402 - or if you think the water's cold after the storm. lf it's too cold to swim. 284 00:47:16,529 --> 00:47:19,486 We only need to talk a few minutes. One minute. 285 00:47:19,609 --> 00:47:23,920 You can read from your book. Just say a few words. 286 00:47:24,968 --> 00:47:30,408 l must try not to get angry. You remain silent and that's your business. 287 00:47:30,529 --> 00:47:33,999 But now I need you to talk to me. 288 00:47:35,969 --> 00:47:39,679 My dear woman, can't you say just a single word? 289 00:47:41,850 --> 00:47:47,322 l knew you'd refuse. You can't know how I feel. 290 00:47:48,610 --> 00:47:54,289 l always thought great artists felt great compassion for other people. 291 00:47:54,411 --> 00:47:59,280 That they created from a sense of great sympathy and a need to help. 292 00:47:59,411 --> 00:48:02,165 That was stupid of me. 293 00:48:04,851 --> 00:48:10,166 You've used me. Now that you don't need me you just throw me away. 294 00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:14,800 Yes, I hear very well how it sounds, how false it sounds! 295 00:48:14,933 --> 00:48:18,721 You've used me, now you're discarding me. Every word! 296 00:48:18,852 --> 00:48:21,047 And then these glasses! 297 00:48:28,934 --> 00:48:33,849 You've really hurt me. You've laughed at me behind my back. 298 00:48:35,695 --> 00:48:38,288 l read the letter you sent to the doctor. 299 00:48:38,455 --> 00:48:43,245 Just think, it wasn't sealed! And I read it thoroughly! 300 00:48:44,295 --> 00:48:48,811 You got me to talk. You got me to tell you things I've never told anyone. 301 00:48:48,936 --> 00:48:53,054 And you hand it on. What a study, huh?! You're not... 302 00:48:53,896 --> 00:48:58,970 You're going to talk now! lf you've got anything to say, you're bloody well... 303 00:49:11,817 --> 00:49:14,616 No, stop it! 304 00:49:24,618 --> 00:49:27,290 You were really scared now, huh? 305 00:49:28,938 --> 00:49:33,091 For a second you were genuinely scared, not so? 306 00:49:33,219 --> 00:49:38,612 A genuine fear of death, huh? Alma's gone crazy, you thought. 307 00:49:38,739 --> 00:49:41,944 What kind of person are you, really? 308 00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:45,576 Or do you think like this: I'll remember that face. 309 00:49:45,740 --> 00:49:51,212 That tone of voice, that expression. I'll give you something you won't forget! 310 00:50:11,661 --> 00:50:15,132 You're laughing, are you? 311 00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:20,700 lt's not so simple for me. Not so funny, either. 312 00:50:20,822 --> 00:50:23,895 But you've always got your laugh. 313 00:51:44,948 --> 00:51:48,339 Must it be like this? 314 00:51:49,710 --> 00:51:53,589 ls it really important not to lie, to speak the truth - 315 00:51:53,710 --> 00:51:56,940 to talk with a genuine tone of voice? 316 00:51:57,070 --> 00:52:00,301 Can one live at all without talking freely? 317 00:52:00,429 --> 00:52:05,459 Lie and deviate and evade things. 318 00:52:05,591 --> 00:52:10,824 lsn't it better to allow yourself to be lazy and sloppy, untruthful? 319 00:52:12,550 --> 00:52:17,625 Maybe you become a little better if you just let yourself be what you are. 320 00:52:20,271 --> 00:52:24,504 No, you don't understand. You don't understand what I'm saying. 321 00:52:24,632 --> 00:52:26,987 You are inaccessible. 322 00:52:27,112 --> 00:52:31,026 They said you were mentally healthy, but your madness is the worst. 323 00:52:31,153 --> 00:52:35,351 You're acting healthy. You do it so well everyone believes you. 324 00:52:35,473 --> 00:52:39,432 Everyone except me, because I know how rotten you are. 325 00:52:44,713 --> 00:52:46,511 What am I doing? 326 00:52:47,833 --> 00:52:51,907 Elisabet! Elisabet, forgive me. 327 00:52:52,034 --> 00:52:55,423 l behaved like an idiot, don't know what got into me. 328 00:52:55,554 --> 00:53:00,309 I'm here to help you. Then there was that awful letter. 329 00:53:00,435 --> 00:53:05,144 l was so disappointed. You asked me to talk about myself. 330 00:53:05,994 --> 00:53:09,874 lt was nice, you looked so understanding, I'd drunk a lot... 331 00:53:09,994 --> 00:53:13,386 lt was so nice to talk about it all. 332 00:53:13,516 --> 00:53:18,988 l was also flattered that a great actress cared to listen to me. 333 00:53:19,116 --> 00:53:24,031 Somehow I thought it would be nice if it was of some use to you. 334 00:53:24,196 --> 00:53:27,986 But it's terrible, isn't it? Sheer exhibitionism. 335 00:53:28,116 --> 00:53:30,950 Elisabet, I want you to forgive me. 336 00:53:31,077 --> 00:53:34,149 l like you so much, you mean so much to me. 337 00:53:34,277 --> 00:53:38,031 I've learned so much from you, l don't want to part as enemies. 338 00:54:00,119 --> 00:54:03,998 You don't want to forgive me. You're too proud! 339 00:54:04,119 --> 00:54:07,669 You won't lower yourself because you don't need to! 340 00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:11,349 l won't, I won't...! 341 00:58:06,658 --> 00:58:10,857 We don't talk,,, don't listen,,, understand,,, 342 00:58:14,579 --> 00:58:19,654 - Elisabet? - What means should,,, to enable,,, 343 00:59:02,182 --> 00:59:05,731 When you sleep your face is slack. 344 00:59:07,623 --> 00:59:11,376 Your mouth is swollen and ugly. 345 00:59:13,144 --> 00:59:17,376 You have a nasty wrinkle on your forehead. 346 00:59:23,663 --> 00:59:27,134 You smell of sleep and tears. 347 00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:33,779 l can see the pulse on your throat. 348 00:59:33,904 --> 00:59:37,863 You have a scar you normally cover with make-up. 349 00:59:39,866 --> 00:59:41,821 Elisabet! 350 00:59:42,666 --> 00:59:45,179 He's calling again. 351 00:59:46,226 --> 00:59:49,218 I'll find out what he wants from us. 352 00:59:49,386 --> 00:59:53,015 Out here, far away in our loneliness. 353 01:00:14,347 --> 01:00:15,986 Elisabet? 354 01:00:16,827 --> 01:00:20,615 Elisabet? Sorry if I frightened you. 355 01:00:21,668 --> 01:00:26,424 - I'm not Elisabet. - I don't have any demands. 356 01:00:26,548 --> 01:00:30,861 l didn't want to disturb you. Don't you think I understand? 357 01:00:30,988 --> 01:00:34,824 The doctor explained a number of things to me. 358 01:00:34,950 --> 01:00:40,388 The most difficult thing is explaining to the little boy. I'm doing my best. 359 01:00:42,070 --> 01:00:46,939 There is something that lies deeper, that is hard to catch sight of. 360 01:00:47,070 --> 01:00:51,428 You love someone, or more correctly, say you love someone, it's... 361 01:00:51,550 --> 01:00:56,500 lt's understandable. Tangible as words are, that is. 362 01:00:56,631 --> 01:01:00,021 Mr Vogler, I'm not your wife. 363 01:01:00,151 --> 01:01:04,782 You are also loved. You build a little fellowship. 364 01:01:04,912 --> 01:01:10,508 lt generates security. You see the possibility of enduring, not so? 365 01:01:12,552 --> 01:01:18,389 How can I say everything I've thought without losing my way, boring you? 366 01:01:26,512 --> 01:01:30,393 l love you, as much as I did before. 367 01:01:36,714 --> 01:01:41,663 No, don't be so anxious, my darling. We have one another. 368 01:01:41,794 --> 01:01:44,832 We have faith, know each other's thoughts. 369 01:01:44,955 --> 01:01:48,664 We love one another. lt's true isn't it? 370 01:01:48,795 --> 01:01:53,107 lt's the effort that's most important, not what we achieve. lsn't it? 371 01:01:55,635 --> 01:02:00,266 To see each other as children. Tormented, helpless, lonely children. 372 01:02:00,397 --> 01:02:05,868 - Elisabet. - Tell the boy that I'm coming soon. 373 01:02:05,997 --> 01:02:09,784 Mummy's been sick, but she's longing for her little boy. 374 01:02:09,916 --> 01:02:14,945 Remember to buy a present for him. From Mummy, don't forget. 375 01:02:15,077 --> 01:02:18,831 You know I feel such tenderness for you. 376 01:02:21,237 --> 01:02:24,195 lt's difficult to bear. 377 01:02:24,717 --> 01:02:28,631 l don't know what to do with my tenderness. 378 01:02:29,278 --> 01:02:31,838 l live from your tenderness. 379 01:02:33,238 --> 01:02:38,312 Elisabet, do you like being with me? ls it nice? 380 01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:45,594 - You're a wonderful lover. You know. - My darling... 381 01:02:47,439 --> 01:02:51,148 Anaethetise me... throw me away! 382 01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:54,238 No, I can't, I can't take any more! 383 01:02:54,361 --> 01:02:58,354 Leave me alone! lt's shame, it's all shame! 384 01:02:58,480 --> 01:03:03,315 Leave me alone! I'm cold and rotten and indifferent! 385 01:03:03,441 --> 01:03:07,116 lt's all just lies and imitation, all of it! 386 01:03:13,482 --> 01:03:16,951 Elisabet, what have you got there? 387 01:03:17,762 --> 01:03:21,881 What are you hiding under your hand? Let me see. 388 01:03:24,963 --> 01:03:29,081 lt's the photo of your little boy. The one you tore up. 389 01:03:29,202 --> 01:03:31,318 We must talk about that. 390 01:03:38,884 --> 01:03:41,351 Tell me about it, Elisabet. 391 01:03:42,204 --> 01:03:44,320 Then I will. 392 01:03:45,164 --> 01:03:50,478 lt was one night at a party, isn't that so? lt got late and quite rowdy. 393 01:03:52,125 --> 01:03:55,834 Towards morning someone in the group said: 394 01:03:55,965 --> 01:04:00,355 ''Elisabet, you virtually have it all in your armoury as a woman and artist.'' 395 01:04:00,485 --> 01:04:03,364 ''But you lack motherliness.'' 396 01:04:04,206 --> 01:04:07,800 You laughed because you thought it sounded silly. 397 01:04:07,926 --> 01:04:12,316 But after a while you noticed you thought about what he'd said. 398 01:04:13,527 --> 01:04:19,239 You became more and more worried. You let your husband impregnate you. 399 01:04:19,367 --> 01:04:22,404 You wanted to be a mother. 400 01:04:22,527 --> 01:04:26,122 When you realized it was definite, you became frightened. 401 01:04:26,247 --> 01:04:31,958 Frightened of responsibility, of being tied down, of leaving the theatre. 402 01:04:32,088 --> 01:04:38,323 Frightened of pain, of dying, frightened of your body swelling up. 403 01:04:38,448 --> 01:04:43,967 But you played the role. The role of a happy, young, expectant mother. 404 01:04:45,289 --> 01:04:49,999 Everyone said, ''lsn't she beautiful? She's never been so beautiful.'' 405 01:04:52,810 --> 01:04:57,440 Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus several times. 406 01:04:57,570 --> 01:05:00,004 But you failed. 407 01:05:00,130 --> 01:05:04,601 When you saw it was irreversible, you started to hate the baby. 408 01:05:04,730 --> 01:05:08,279 And you wished it would be stillborn. 409 01:05:10,530 --> 01:05:13,728 You wished the baby would be dead. 410 01:05:15,451 --> 01:05:18,012 You wished for a dead baby. 411 01:05:22,691 --> 01:05:25,526 lt was a difficult and long delivery. 412 01:05:25,652 --> 01:05:31,488 You were in agony for days. Finally the baby was delivered with forceps. 413 01:05:31,612 --> 01:05:35,651 You looked with disgust and terror at your squealing baby and whispered: 414 01:05:35,773 --> 01:05:39,049 ''Can't you die soon? Can't you die?'' 415 01:05:40,813 --> 01:05:42,770 But he survived. 416 01:05:44,293 --> 01:05:46,966 The boy screamed day and night. 417 01:05:49,733 --> 01:05:55,651 And you hated him. You were scared, you had a bad conscience. 418 01:05:57,934 --> 01:06:01,973 Finally the boy was taken care of by relatives and a nanny. 419 01:06:02,094 --> 01:06:06,565 You could get up from your sickbed and return to the theatre. 420 01:06:08,695 --> 01:06:12,210 But the suffering wasn't over. 421 01:06:12,336 --> 01:06:17,329 The boy was gripped by a massive and unfathomable love for his mother. 422 01:06:17,455 --> 01:06:21,893 You defend yourself. You defend yourself in despair. 423 01:06:22,016 --> 01:06:28,252 You feel you can't return it. So you try, and you try... 424 01:06:28,376 --> 01:06:31,846 But there are only cruel and clumsy meetings between you. 425 01:06:31,977 --> 01:06:36,768 You can't do it. You're cold and indifferent. 426 01:06:36,897 --> 01:06:41,926 He looks at you. He loves you and he's so gentle. 427 01:06:42,057 --> 01:06:46,017 You want to hit him because he doesn't leave you alone. 428 01:06:46,138 --> 01:06:50,131 You think he's disgusting with his thick mouth and ugly body. 429 01:06:50,258 --> 01:06:54,729 His moist and pleading eyes. He's disgusting and you're scared. 430 01:06:58,859 --> 01:07:03,456 What are you hiding under your hand? Let me see. 431 01:07:07,339 --> 01:07:11,014 lt's the photo of your little boy. The one you tore up. 432 01:07:11,139 --> 01:07:13,210 We must talk about it. 433 01:07:21,581 --> 01:07:23,970 Tell me about it, Elisabet. 434 01:07:26,581 --> 01:07:28,458 Then I will. 435 01:07:31,061 --> 01:07:34,452 lt was one night at a party, isn't that right? 436 01:07:34,582 --> 01:07:38,416 lt got late and quite rowdy. 437 01:07:38,542 --> 01:07:42,137 Towards morning someone in the group said: 438 01:07:42,262 --> 01:07:47,053 ''Elisabet, you virtually have it all in your armoury as a woman and artist.'' 439 01:07:47,183 --> 01:07:49,743 ''But you lack motherliness.'' 440 01:07:51,183 --> 01:07:55,222 You laughed because you thought it sounded silly. 441 01:07:55,342 --> 01:07:59,417 But after a while you noticed you thought about what he'd said. 442 01:07:59,543 --> 01:08:04,857 You became more and more worried. You let your husband impregnate you. 443 01:08:06,784 --> 01:08:10,141 You wanted to be a mother. 444 01:08:11,346 --> 01:08:15,623 When you realized it was definite, you became frightened. 445 01:08:15,745 --> 01:08:22,060 Frightened of responsibility, of being tied down, of leaving the theatre. 446 01:08:22,185 --> 01:08:27,500 Frightened of pain, of dying, frightened of your body swelling up. 447 01:08:29,946 --> 01:08:35,499 But you played the role. The role of a happy, young, expectant mother. 448 01:08:36,827 --> 01:08:41,742 Everyone said, ''lsn't she beautiful? She's never been so beautiful.'' 449 01:08:42,507 --> 01:08:46,546 Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus several times. 450 01:08:46,667 --> 01:08:48,703 But you failed. 451 01:08:50,187 --> 01:08:53,225 When you saw it was irreversible... 452 01:08:54,188 --> 01:08:57,146 ...you started to hate the baby. 453 01:08:58,348 --> 01:09:01,625 And you wished it would be stillborn. 454 01:09:04,149 --> 01:09:07,186 You wished the baby would be dead. 455 01:09:11,109 --> 01:09:14,021 You wished for a dead baby. 456 01:09:17,669 --> 01:09:21,026 The delivery was difficult and long. 457 01:09:21,151 --> 01:09:27,020 You were in agony for days. Finally the baby was delivered with forceps. 458 01:09:27,670 --> 01:09:31,868 You looked with disgust and terror at your squealing baby and whispered: 459 01:09:31,990 --> 01:09:35,950 ''Can't you die soon? Can't you die?'' 460 01:09:36,512 --> 01:09:41,221 The boy screamed day and night. And you hated him. 461 01:09:41,912 --> 01:09:45,951 You were scared, you had a bad conscience. 462 01:09:47,392 --> 01:09:51,385 Finally the boy was taken care of by relatives and a nanny. 463 01:09:51,512 --> 01:09:55,425 You could get up from your sickbed and return to the theatre. 464 01:09:57,352 --> 01:10:00,310 But the suffering wasn't over. 465 01:10:01,553 --> 01:10:06,753 The boy was gripped by a massive and unfathomable love for his mother. 466 01:10:06,874 --> 01:10:12,470 You defend yourself in despair. You feel you can't return it. 467 01:10:12,594 --> 01:10:15,154 So you try, and you try... 468 01:10:15,955 --> 01:10:19,664 But there are only cruel and clumsy meetings between you. 469 01:10:19,794 --> 01:10:25,312 You can't do it. You're cold and indifferent. 470 01:10:25,435 --> 01:10:30,464 He looks at you. He loves you and he's so gentle. 471 01:10:30,595 --> 01:10:34,635 You want to hit him because he doesn't leave you alone. 472 01:10:34,756 --> 01:10:38,715 You think he's disgusting with his thick mouth and ugly body. 473 01:10:38,835 --> 01:10:43,751 His moist and pleading eyes. He's disgusting and you're scared. 474 01:10:51,597 --> 01:10:53,666 No! 475 01:10:54,516 --> 01:10:59,434 I'm not like you. I don't feel like you. 476 01:10:59,558 --> 01:11:03,028 I'm Sister Alma, I'm just here to help you. 477 01:11:03,158 --> 01:11:07,674 I'm not Elisabet Vogler. You are Elisabet Vogler. 478 01:11:07,798 --> 01:11:10,028 l would like to have... 479 01:11:11,038 --> 01:11:12,950 l love... 480 01:11:15,079 --> 01:11:16,956 l haven't... 481 01:11:49,361 --> 01:11:52,001 I've learnt quite a lot. 482 01:12:05,482 --> 01:12:08,476 We'll see how long I hold out. 483 01:12:13,483 --> 01:12:17,191 I'll never be like you, never. l change all the time. 484 01:12:17,323 --> 01:12:21,033 You can do what you like, you won't get to me anyhow. 485 01:12:53,166 --> 01:12:57,638 Saying doesn't help. Cut a candle. 486 01:12:57,766 --> 01:13:02,557 A kind of otherness. Not now, no. No, no. 487 01:13:03,608 --> 01:13:07,156 Warning and out of time. Unforeseen. 488 01:13:07,288 --> 01:13:11,566 When it was supposed to occur, it didn't occur and so failure. 489 01:13:11,687 --> 01:13:15,317 Yourself where you are. But I should do it. 490 01:13:15,489 --> 01:13:19,800 Not inwards, no... Say collect and advise others... 491 01:13:19,928 --> 01:13:23,477 The disconsolate, perhaps... 492 01:13:27,209 --> 01:13:31,442 Take, yes... but what is closest...? 493 01:13:31,569 --> 01:13:35,482 What's it called...? No, no, no... 494 01:13:35,609 --> 01:13:38,442 Us, we, me, I... 495 01:13:38,570 --> 01:13:44,122 Many words and such nausea... lncomprehensible pain. The throw... 496 01:15:12,617 --> 01:15:17,930 Try and listen to me now. Repeat after me. 497 01:15:21,738 --> 01:15:25,094 Nothing... 498 01:15:26,858 --> 01:15:31,056 Nothing. No, nothing... 499 01:15:37,939 --> 01:15:39,895 Nothing. 500 01:15:40,739 --> 01:15:45,813 That's it. That's good. That's how it should be.