- I wrestled with it, Mr. Grayson.
Let it roll around in my mind.
Then it hit me.
Bottom line, 20 years in public relations,
this little notion is the capper.
Puzzled, sure you are.
A little, a little background first.
You're Hiram C. Grayson,
affectionately known as Mr. Tobacco.
You sold 13 trillion cigarettes
in your lifetime, Mr. Grayson, 13 trillion.
Now, let's turn to Alfred Nobel, remember him?
He invented dynamite,
maybe a hundred devices for high explosives.
One of the great contributors to modern warfare.
Made a billion dollars selling munitions.
You and Alf Nobel have a lot in common, Mr. Grayson,
because you spent a lifetime selling cigarettes,
and he spent a lifetime selling munitions.
Beginning to see the analogy?
Forget it, the question's obscure.
Let me hang a lantern on it.
You didn't remember that Nobel
made his fortune selling munitions.
I had to remind you, but why is that?
Because Alfred Nobel spent a fraction of that fortune
creating the Nobel Peace Prize.
Get the point?
The Peace Prize never did interfere
with Mr. Nobel's business.
The world went right on buying his product
for all its wars.
Ready for the big question?
It's jumping right out of the pan, bottom line.
- We are going to offer 25 million dollars
to some town in America that will quit smoking for 30 days?
- Ain't we tobacco people got trouble enough?
- Dumbest, damn, dumb ass thing I ever heard.
Man oughta be put away coming around here
with a scheme like that.
- If you ain't a bird turd.
- We did all we're gonna do for the public.
We offered to get outta radio and TV now, didn't we?
- That's right, and we diversified.
- Now, what the God damn hell does that got to do with it?
- Overlooking, overlooking, overlooking, gentlemen.
O-V-E-R, over, overlooking.
You're overlooking one thing gentlemen.
Have you ever seen a whole office building give up smoking?
- No, not exactly.
- A whole neighborhood?
So, for 25 million dollars, a 100 million dollars,
where are you going to find a whole town
that will give up smoking?
I mean, be, be reasonable, gentlemen.
♪ He gives us all his love ♪
♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪
♪ He's giving us all his love ♪
♪ He knows how hard we're trying ♪
♪ He hears the babies crying ♪
♪ He sees the old folks dying ♪
♪ He gives us all his love ♪
♪ He smiling down on us from up above ♪
♪ He's giving us all his love ♪
♪ Now if you need someone to talk to ♪
♪ You can always to talk to him ♪
♪ And if you need someone to lean on ♪
♪ You can lean him ♪
♪ He gives us all his love ♪
♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪
♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪
♪ I love the Lord ♪
♪ I hear the Lord ♪
♪ I love the Lord ♪
♪ I hear the Lord ♪
♪ I want the world to know that I love the Lord ♪
♪ I love the Lord ♪
- And so my brethren, it is time for rebirth in Eagle Rock.
Time for renewal, time for recommitment,
because I say that God's will
is being done here as never before.
I know it, I believe!
I know it, because I know in whom I have believed.
He has blessed us, my friends, truly blessed us.
No, God has not abandoned us,
but rather he has a plan, a purpose for you, his people.
Our present problem is nothing
but a preparation for things to come,
because we have been chosen,
and so let us leave this place this morning
where we've heard God speaking to us.
Let us leave this place with a new affirmation
of his promise of purpose.
His commitment of concern to us all.
Let us prepare to do his will,
because with his help we will battle against
the powers and the principalities of darkness
that have sapped our spiritual resources.
We will fight, we will work, we will pray,
we will open up our hearts, we will open up our eyes,
and we will catch a glimpse
of that romantic country Peru,
where the lovely city of Lima
glistens like a thousand jewels,
set beside miles of platinum beach,
which rests like a strand of yellow hair
along the lovely blue ocean.
Would you turn your hymnals to page 33?
I asked you to type up my sermon for me,
and you make me out a fool,
and don't tell me again that it was a mistake, Natalie.
My handwriting is pure crystal.
- But I--
- I know, I know, Holiday Magazine
was lying open next to my notes when you were typing.
Well, if that's the way it happened, Natalie,
there's a demon in you.
An unconscious urge to destroy me.
Smile and don't slouch.
- I certainly hope you're right, Reverend.
- Thank you, thank you, I'm sure I am.
- I enjoyed the sermon, Reverend.
- Thank you, hello.
- Hello.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- A real inspiration.
- Colonel, nice to have you.
See you in a moment.
- Yes.
- Good sermon, Reverend.
- Thank you.
- Oh um we'll see, we'll see, Reverend.
- Right.
- Homer Watson, our chief of police,
is gonna drop you at the airport
- Fine, fine.
- Thank you for coming out from Washington.
- No problem.
- I'll, I'll get in first, here we are.
- Oh, that husband of yours.
God love him, he's a saint.
- Washington is of course,
terribly interested in your problem.
The Pentagon is especially interested.
Our defense industry,
by our defense industry I don't mean the Pentagon's.
I mean the nation's defense industries.
The Pentagon, after all,
doesn't have any industrial plants of its own.
We simply work with them.
Of course, we do work close enough with them
to exert some degree of influence,
and we might just be able to uh,
take one of these plants we influence and um,
move it to Eagle Rock,
but here's the thing,
the top executives in these plants,
they're tough people,
uh, retired generals, and colonels and such.
When they move their families into a new town
they expect first a first rate high school, a fine library,
tip top hospitals facilities, a good police force,
attractive shopping centers, et cetera.
Now, if you'll take Eagle Rock and give it a new look,
kind of update the town a little,
you'll see how fast the boys in Washington snap into action.
I don't need to remind you
that it was the previous administration
that shut down your air base.
The present administration
would've thought twice, believe me.
By the way, Reverend, I enjoyed that sermon very much.
- Well, thank you.
- Particularly that generous tribute you paid
our Latin American neighbor, Peru.
- Excuse me, Cissy.
- Quiet, here we go, folks, they're cuttin' the cake.
- Last week it was the Proudys.
This week it's Bob and Edna.
That's 11 families since the first of the year.
Another year like this and we're a ghost town.
- Dr. Proctor, we mustn't be pessimistic.
Remember what Colonel Galloway said?
- You know how much it'd take
to fix this town up the way Galloway said?
Why, millions.
- That may be, but with God's help, we'll make it.
- Never mind his help, let him get up his money.
- Colonel Galloway, Washington,
the whole country's got its hand out.
Something for nothing.
Nobody wants to work anymore.
Gimme this, gimme that.
Gimme you federal government.
Gimme you state government.
Gimme you city government.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
You know what I call it?
The gimme's.
- That Colonel was right, Mayor.
From the bank's standpoint,
if we don't attract some industry,
Eagle Rock's gonna S-O-L.
- Oh, I agree, but how do we do it?
Perhaps you have a thought, Mrs. Previn.
- Bishop Manley.
- Hello, Clayton.
- Such a pleasant surprise to see you.
I had no idea you were in the neighborhood.
- I was passing through on my way back from Clermont.
Reverend Smith, you know Bud Smith.
- Oh, yes.
- Was a hundred thousand dollars short in his building fund,
and they needed the help of an old established arm bender.
- We'll leave it to you, sir.
You know, speaking of help,
did you happened to receive the note I sent you
about the new parish up in Dearborn, Michigan?
- Yes, I did.
My, my, I keep forgetting the honors you've won.
In sports too.
How many athletic scholarships were you offered, Clayton?
- Ah, three, track, baseball, basketball,
but about Dearborn.
- Quite a record of accomplishment.
- Well, thank you, Bishop.
- Thank him.
- Yes.
- You've done remarkable well for the church too.
That first post in Cedarville, then Windsor Locks .
That's why you were selected for Eagle Rock,
to make it a strong and vital parish again.
- But eh, Bishop, this is a depressed area,
and you did mention that parish in Dearborn.
- Oh yes, Dearborn, General Motors country, you know?
- Yes, I know.
- Well then, perhaps a little prayer is in order
for your success in Eagle Rock.
I know we couldn't drag you to Dearborn
before your job is finished here.
♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to mind ♪
♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And days auld lang syne ♪
♪ And days ♪
- Bye Edna, have a nice time.
- Have a real good time.
- Hi, Doc!
- Reverend, Reverend, come in, come in come in.
All right, come in, come in, Reverend.
The darndest thing I ever heard.
They were talking about it on television a few seconds ago.
Sit down, Hugh Upson.
Here it is.
- Even more during Simmons
99th anniversary sale.
The anniversary mattress priced at 49.95
- 25 million dollars, Valiant Tobacco Company.
- The Early-Early show?
- Danish Modern or French Provincial.
All six items for one $148.00.
Drive now to Brin's in Mercer City
for the best bedding bargains of the year.
Open Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights till nine.
Easy terms, famous name brands, Brin's.
- And here it goes, shh, shh.
This is what I was telling you about.
- Hugh Upson here with The Early-Early Show this morning,
we're talking with Mr. Merwin Wren.
Right now we'll take a station break.
- Oh, for.
- WNST TV, the heart of Iowa.
- Here it goes.
- Mr. Wren, our guest this morning.
I have several questions that have occurred to me
that I'd like to ask you,
but will you stand by while we hear this message.
- No.
- Here's a new idea in bug killers.
This adjustable bug gun, made only by Real Kill,
gets into places where bugs hide and breed.
Make it easy to spray basements, closets,
and other hard to reach places
to kill roaches, ants, water bugs, silverfish,
crickets, spiders, wasps, scorpions, and other bugs.
See how much more liquid you get with the new Real Kill gun
than from the old container?
Over two times more.
Enough to really bug proof your home.
Save the gun and reuse it on economical switchbacks.
Both at your grocer now.
It's a killer.
- Here it is, here it is, this is it.
- This is Thursday, The Early-Early Show.
The time, 17 minutes after the hour, I'm Hugh Upson,
and we were talking to Mr. Mervin, Merwin Wren
of the Valiant Tobacco Company,
who this morning announced the gift
of a tax free 25 million dollars to the city in America,
which can give up smoking for 30 days.
- Huh, 25 million dollars, huh?
- Mr. Wren, isn't this an amazing and unprecedented gesture
for a tobacco company to make?
- You want it from the old Le Coeur?
Extraordinary, extraordinary gesture.
In my opinion, what Mr. Hiram Grayson has done today
ranks with the greatest humanitarian deeds of all time.
- I don't know why,
but I'm reminded of Alfred Nobel and the Nobel Peace Prize.
- An interesting analogy.
- Well, you seem quite moved Mr. Wren.
- Bottom line, Mr. Upman, I'm overcome.
This may be the greatest thing since creation.
- Upson, thank you, Mr. Wren.
- This could be the answer to all our problems.
What do you think, Reverend?
- Mayor, I don't like I told you so's, but you remember,
I did say he was preparing us for a purpose.
- Give up smoking?
- I can't.
- You pledge only to give up smoking for 30 days.
Now, there it is, the pledge.
30 days, that's all,
and look what we get.
25 million dollars for Eagle Rock.
Let's see what we can accomplish.
- No, I won't give up smoking, no, no, no, no.
- I will sign first, I will sign first.
Just sign here.
- That's it, I'm gonna stop smoking.
- No, I can't do it.
- Look, you've got to sign your name.
You've got to set an example for the community.
- I can't and I won't.
- I want you to sign this book.
- No!
- To say that Wall Street is surprised
by the specter of the tobacco company,
offering to spend 25 million dollars
in the fight against smoking is an understatement indeed,
but the big question tonight
is how many towns across America will take the pledge,
and then how many will be able to keep it?
Expressions ranging from approval to outright cheering
for Mr. Hiram C. Grayson's magnanimous gesture
have been coming in from public leaders
from New York to California.
- We want people all over this land
to sense the greatness of this moment to participate in.
- I think it's a rather very significant development.
- The funny thing is it's good from every angle.
It's good business.
- The is really the American way.
- I'm very proud of it.
- It doesn't excite me to the extent
that I would go out and beat the drum for it.
- Prevailing opinion holds that Mr. Hiram Grayson, at 92,
is joining such notable benefactors of mankind
as Andrew Carnegie, Joseph Pulitzer,
Henry Ford, and Alfred Nobel.
I wondered whether the heads of the other tobacco companies
would agree with that assessment,
so I flew down to Charlotte, North Carolina,
and talked to the president of the United Tobacco Company.
Mr. Kandiss, Mr. Kandiss,
how did you react to the announcement
of the Valiant Tobacco Company.
- Badly, very badly.
Now, you leave me the alone.
- David Chetley, Charlotte, North Carolina.
- Among the towns struggling to qualify
for the Cold Turkey Project,
only Eagle Rock, Iowa, population 4,006,
has topped the 70% mark among smokers who signed up.
Sources say the credit for this is due to one man,
the Reverend Clayton Brooks
of the Eagle Rock Community Church.
If indeed Eagle Rock does make it,
Reverend Brooks will be quite a hero.
- All right, Natalie,
something's bothering you.
I've always made it a point
to be frank and open with you, my dear.
Don't slouch, dear.
So, when you have something on your mind
I expect you to speak out.
- I, I---
- You look at me so strangely, Natalie.
It's almost as if you, you doubted my work here.
- Oh, I--
- You do believe people should stop smoking, don't you?
Then it's my motives you doubt.
- Well--
- Natalie, Natalie, how can you possibly doubt?
- I--
- Everywhere you look you see God's spirit at work.
You see a revitalization of faith.
A new dedication.
A vast consecration.
This is his work, Natalie.
I'm only doing his bidding.
You see that, don't you?
- I--
- Good, good.
Isn't it nice we can talk these things out?
- Hello Americans, Paul Hardly.
While any American city
would welcome a 25 million dollar windfall.
Any town wishing to qualify must have 100% of the population
signed, sealed, and delivered
to the 30 Day No Smoking Pledge at midnight June 1.
As the deadline approaches,
the question we hear again and again is
is there a town in such dire economic straights
as to be able to exhort this sacrifice
from it's citizenry cold turkey?
Paul Hardly, good day.
- And I know what you heavy smokers are thinking.
You tried to quit and it's hopeless,
but this time I tell you you've got a reason.
You think you're the only ones
being asked to make a sacrifice.
Well, all right, all right,
but I also ask you to consider it in this light.
You're the only ones being given an opportunity to serve.
By your courage, by your discipline, by your strength,
you're given the opportunity to serve your fellow man,
your community, your family, and yourselves,
and another thing,
when Eagle Rock has its 25 million dollars,
when Eagle Rock has its economic security,
when Eagle Rock has its industry,
when all that's all over,
you will still have something to thank almighty God for,
your life, your good health, your physical well-being.
- Yes, yes, it's easy enough for you to talk, Reverend,
it's no skin off your nose.
I mean, you don't smoke!
- You tell him, Letitia!
- All right, Letitia,.
I used smoke, I used to smoke.
My wife, Natalie, used to smoke,
but then I found the good book,
which tells us that our bodies
are the temples of the Holy Spirit,
and that we should glorify him when our bodies.
You know, that's 1st Corinthians, Chapter 6.
- Yes, all I'm saying is that you have forgotten
what your asking us to give up,
and it isn't fair!
- You bet it isn't!
- Letitia, you may be the one
who's forgotten something very important.
- Whatcha gonna do with it, Reverend?
- You gonna take a puff, Reverend?
- All right, Letitia,
I don't know if an old habit can be recultivated.
Tell you what I'll do.
Letitia, if you'll walk over there
and sign that book, I'll try.
- I'll do it, Reverend!
I'll do it for Eagle Rock!
- There's just one day to go
before Project Cold Turkey is due to begin,
and at this moment,
no city in America has succeeded
in getting all of its residents
to sign the No Smoking Pledge.
Closest with approximately 98% of its residents signed
is little Eagle Rock, population 4,006.
With so little time, one wonders,
can Eagle Rock marshal its hardcore holdouts?
- Now Doc, let's get down to cases?
Are you gonna sign up to quit smoking or not?
- Oh well, now, as a fellow member
of the council, Miss Berman,
I'm uh, I'm with this thing in spirit all the way,
but as a doctor and a surgeon,
my medical opinion is that I'm congenitally
unable to uh give up smoking.
Congenitally, you understand that means there's uh,
there's nothing I can do about it,
so um, it really isn't going to be any good
to kid me, Miss Berman, about foreclosing
on my hospital and my x-ray.
- Who's kidding?
- Why, surely you don't mean that you and your bank--
- Now, you just sign up,
or you're gonna be removing gallstones in your bathtub.
- Miss Berman, that's blackmail.
- You say that word again and I'll cry rape.
- Shh, shh.
- Now, you just sign up,
and get your nervous little body outta here.
Reverend, the Lord's business is done.
Now, do I have that plot in the church cemetery?
- Stop smoking, you might as well ask me to stop breathing.
- Well, you have that wrong, Mr. Stopworth.
To continue smoking is to stop breathing.
- That's a very interesting play on words, Mr. Brooks.
You men of the cloth sure have a way with words.
How old do you think I am?
- Oh, 42.
- I'm 42, look, I'm, I'm gonna confess something to you.
I tipple Mr. Brooks.
I mean, I drink.
I mean, I drink all the time.
Shocks you, doesn't it?
You better stand up.
I'm afraid I might fall on you.
The thing is I can't stop drinking, see.
That's just the thing about me.
I can't stop drinking.
You except that, don't you?
- Mm, certainly.
- No matter what happens when you leave here,
I will always drink, thank you.
Now, all right, if you can understand that,
you can also understand that my drinking
is directly connected to my smoking.
You know what, when I say directly,
I mean that as a thing, a, a physical thing
that is directly connected
from my liquor buds to the smoke pouch in my lungs.
If you want me to quit smoking you're gonna have to cut,
I mean, you'd have to physically cut that thing,
and when you do my head's gonna fall off.
Do you understand, Reverman?
The booze bone is connected to the smoke bone,
and the smoke bone is connected to the head bone,
and that's the word of the Lord.
- Mr. Stopworth, we've been talking for an hour,
and I can't convince you.
You see, Mr. Stopworth, we have about six hours,
and something like 30 odd signatures to go.
Now, I know that it's hard to stop smoking.
I suppose the withdraw causes a lot of pain.
You don't like pain, do you?
The whole town is depending on this, I'm sorry.
- What're you doing?
- Maybe you are not aware, Mr. Stopworth,
that I was intercollegiate middle-weight
boxing champion in my school days.
- You mean, you're kidding?
You can't do that, you're a man of God.
- And his work must be done.
- I don't believe this.
Well, I believe it a little bit.
- Now, you can stop smoking for 30 days, can't you?
- I don't think so.
I'm gonna call the police.
- Homer Watson's on our side.
- Well, I'm gonna call the Doctor.
- Dr. Proctor signed the pledge.
- I could go away for a month.
Who said that?
That's a wonderful idea.
I don't have to stay here.
I have a place in French Lick.
Oh, thank you.
Now, you don't have to hit me.
God bless you, Reverman.
- Now, follow me.
Ready, set, go!
- I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America,
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation under God, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
- Well now, folks, got a big surprise for you tonight.
Our guest speaker is from way down in Muncy, Alabama,
and he needs very little introduction
to the members of the Christopher Mott Society.
He is a retired rear admiral in the United States Navy,
former board chairman of the Hustings Chemical Corporation,
and author of the best selling,
Hello Big Government, Goodbye America.
Here he is then, two time winner
of the Minutemen's Americanism Award,
a great hero, a great American,
ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Rear-Admiral Nelson Steinschweiger.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you very much
for that kind introduction,
and good evening ladies and gentlemen.
- Good evening.
- Here we are, that's Admiral Steinschweiger.
A wonderful speaker, 595 record.
A pleasure to have him in my home.
- Amos, we must talk to you.
- Amos, practically the whole town
has signed up for the Cold Turkey Project.
- All, but 29 people.
- The 29 members of the Christopher Mott Society,
and Amos, your members don't smoke.
- Well, even if we don't smoke,
we don't want you telling us what to do.
There's enough big government
messing in our individual affairs.
- Big government, Amos, Eagle Rock pays me $800.00 a year.
The city's Mayor comes to my barber shop.
That's big government?
- Individual initiative has been
the backbone of this country.
A man's home is his castle.
I fight poverty, I work.
I was never one of those that said Eisenhower was a commie.
- Amos, each smoker in Eagle Rock
is taking the initiative to stop smoking.
Now, isn't that what you're talking about?
- Well, what about the non-smoker?
What's he doing while the others
are using their individual initiative?
- Well, he's uh, taking the initiative too, he's observing.
- Checking to see that no cigarettes come into town.
- Yes, reporting violations perhaps.
- Reporting violations?
You mean like uh, policing the situation?
- Yes, I suppose so.
- Could I wear a cap?
Can my people wear armbands?
- Why not?
Thank you, gentlemen,
for that most interesting proposal.
I will present it to the members
of the Christopher Mott Society.
We'll discuss it openly and in our democratic tradition,
we'll vote on it.
I think the armbands will be yellow and red.
- That dark and dank conspiracy.
Thank you, thank you Admiral Steinschweiger
for that most inspirational talk.
Members of the Christopher Mott Society,
something has just come up.
- How you doing?
- Hi, Mayor, hi, Mrs. Wappler!
- Good evening, Reverend!
- How ya doing, Doc?
- Hi, Mayor!
- Nice to see you there, Homer!
- How about we made it!
Well, at least me made it to the contest.
The Valiant people have been notified.
- Mayor, Mayor, give me the mic.
Quiet, folks, quiet.
It's Walter Chronic, wait a minute.
They're talking about Eagle Rock.
Here, take a look at this.
- With 50 minutes to go,
at least on American town has managed to qualify.
12 o'clock midnight all smoking will cease
in Eagle Rock, Iowa.
- There's more, there's more!
- The man who almost single-handedly
whipped the town into action
is the Reverend Clayton Brooks.
Tomorrow will be their first smokeless day.
- You said no town in America would sign up.
- Must've uh, must've gotten a wire crossed there.
- Now, you'll say they won't go threw with it.
- Bottom line, never.
- How do you know they won't smoke and hide out?
How do you know that, Wren?
- Well, they uh, they took an oath on uh, like a bible.
- We didn't think it was on a slab of bacon.
- I trust you're doing something
to make sure they won't smoke in private?
- Wire number two.
- Tell me something, boy,
are you figuring to cross a third wire?
- No, sir.
- Good, 'cause if you do,
we're gonna have your head on a platter,
and your dumb ass in a deep freeze.
- Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Well, it's almost 6 a.m. out there in Eagle Rock.
Beginning of a big, big, day, huh?
- All right, men, we got a big job here today.
Big responsibility and I'm gonna tell you what it is.
Here's what it is.
We gotta see that no cigars, cigarettes,
or pipe tobacco get into Eagle Rock.
We are running a blockade here,
and that means we got to stop every vehicle,
and we got to search every vehicle.
Now is, is that clear?
Any questions?
You should've taken care of that before you got here.
We don't supply toilet facilities on a blockade.
- Edna, Edna, you've gotta control yourself.
You can't go on eating like this.
It's only the first day,
and that's your fifth piece of toast,
your fifth piece of salami, and your eighth gherkin.
- It's my sixth slice of salami, six slices.
One, two, three, four, five, sixth slice of salami.
Then next it'll be my seventh,
and this is my 11th gherkin.
I had five gherkins before I decided to wrap them in salami,
and this is my second carrot.
That's two carrots, six slices of salami, and 11 gherkins,
and I haven't counted the cheese,
and it isn't even seven o'clock yet!
Do you hear that?
It's not even seven o'clock!
- Come on, let's go, let's go!
Oh, my God, I'm coming apart!
Hey you, where the devil do you think you're going?
Did I give you the signal?
Shut up, I don't give a damn what you've gotta say!
Next time you wait for my cigarette, uh signal!
Okay, now go!
Who the hell do you people think you are anyway?
- Maxine, look darling, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell at you.
Listen, dear, I'll tell you why I called.
Last night I went to sleep at 11:30.
You know, about a half an hour
before we were all suppose to stop smoking.
Yeah well, anyway, this morning I realized,
I have another half hour coming to me,
and I just wanted to smoke one last cigarette,
and well, silly thing that I am, I um,
I threw everyone of them out.
Yes,.
Oh yes, I know you threw yours away too.
Listen, Maxine, uh, do you remember
that box I gave you last week?
Ah, yeah, the old things for the rummage sale.
Well, there were three old pocketbooks in there,
and if you could just um, put your hands on them right away,
you just might find a cigarette or two
in one of those old pocketbooks , yeah.
Huh, yeah, well of course I took the pledge.
No, you see, I have this other half hour coming.
Well, I do too!
Oh, now listen, Maxine,
I don't wanna hear that holier than thou, not from.
Maxine, Maxine, don't you dare hang up on me!
Son of a bitch.
- T. T. Logenberry, the name--
- Now, you just hold on a minute.
I don't know you.
I never saw you before and you never saw me.
Now, let's get one thing straight right now.
You play ball with me, I'll play ball with you.
You want trouble, I'll give you trouble.
It's up to you.
Now, you got any cigars, cigarettes,
or pipe tobacco in there?
- I searched the rear, he's clean.
- Odie Turman, what're you doing here?
I told you last night you're too old to do this.
- You can't have too much help
ferreting out them communists.
- Odie, we're not ferreting out communists.
We're looking for cigarettes.
- Oh, so What, the red devils.
Where's my pistol?
- You can't have a pistol.
- Well, that's a bullshit.
You've got a pistol.
- Odie, I am, I am running this blockade,
and I am also the leader of the entire No Smoking Patrol,
and I wear the only pistol.
- I'll tell that to a communists when he H-bombs me.
I'll tell him before you H-bomb me,
you go over to that man with the gun and get captured.
You're a bullshit, Amos Bush.
- Come over man, Christoper Mott it, come on!
Everybody passes inspection,
and then you're welcome in Eagle Rock.
You gotta pass inspection first.
Did you get inspected?
- You're relaxed, you see, because you're smoking.
Let the others suffer, because they're not smoking,
but not you, Doctor.
Take another puff, because you are still smoking.
Feel the smoke curling in front of your eyes.
Does it make your eyes tear?
Yes, yes.
Watch your ash.
You're on fire, Doctor,
because you've dropped your cigarette in your lap.
Shall we try a filter?
- Don't you move now.
With my palsy you're in enough trouble just standing there.
- Odie, what're you doing?
Give me my gun!
- This is a communist.
Look at them cigarettes.
- I was just trying to explain to the old lady here,
this, this car's a rental.
- Sure, and I'm an unwed mother.
- At ease, we're confiscating those cigarettes, you know?
- Solemn word, I uh, I didn't,
didn't, didn't know about the cigarettes.
I, I suspect the, the Avis people are just uh,
trying a bit too hard.
Well, I uh, I uh, I have a lighter shaped, uh,
shaped just like your gun.
It's a lighter, it's not a gun, see, there, lighter.
Thought you might uh, might find that interesting.
- Morning, sir.
- Mr. Kandiss, the Valiant Tobacco Company's
Cold Turkey Project is in its 11th day.
How do you feel about it now?
- I told you to leave me the alone.
- David Chetley, Charlotte, North Carolina.
- Our guest today is Dr. Royal Gunderson,
noted specialist on things, including non-smoking.
Dr. Gunderson is here to tell us
where we can find the release from tension,
aggravation, and frustration
that smoking once provided, Doctor.
- Well, Teddy.
- Freddy.
Actually, I can recommend
many health substitutes for the new non-smoker.
- Such as?
- Exercise for example is very nice,
or hard physical labor.
- Uh huh.
- Or to the married non-smoker,
I often suggest another compensation.
The act of physical love.
- You don't mean?
- Yes, I do mean that,
and I hope it's all right to say on the radio.
The act of physical love.
- Yes, well then Doctor,
you recommend exercise, hard physical labor, and it.
- It, yes, the act of physical love.
- As a substitute
for the oral gratification of smoking?
- Indeed I do, and of the three,
the thing that really works best,
and here I stress this is for the married non-smoker.
- Well, we have to wrap this up, Doctor.
- Well, I say to all in hearsight,
as it were of my voice,
when you stop smoking don't overeat as so many people do.
I really hate that.
Don't reach for food when you need a smoke.
Reach instead for that loving helpmate,
that husband, that wife,
and indulge your appetite there.
- All right, no stopping here, keep going!
- Hey, what the?
Stop that!
- Hello, Wren here.
Only been here a few days.
Here's the fill.
The town is falling apart!
- When I said come home now, I mean it!
- They're at each others throats.
Wanna know what you gotta worry about?
Nothing, I give the whole project three more days, tops.
- Shit, God damn shopping bags!
- Wren here, O and O.
- I hate you, I hate you!
- It's uh, over and out.
- Oops!
- It's Dr. Proctor,
he's in the operating room at the hospital,
and he has a cigarette.
- Call the hospital.
Have them plug me into the loud speaker system.
Do you understand?
Is the police car downstairs?
- Yeah.
- What is it, what's the matter?
- Beck, call me in Homer's squad car.
You have that?
- Right.
- It's Dr. Proctor.
- Let's get him.
- Cissy, Cissy, hurry.
- Wait a minute.
- There you go.
Hurry, just please, hurry!
- Homer, I only hope it isn't too late.
- It won't be, I tell ya, it won't it.
- Oh, Dr. Proctor, I know he'd crack.
- Shh.
- Reverend Brooks, Reverend Brooks,
I have Dr. Proctor on the line now.
- Dr. Proctor, Dr. Proc, Dr. Proctor, can you hear me?
- This is his nurse, he can hear you, he can hear you.
- Doctor, don't light that cigarette.
We're only four blocks away.
Nurse, can he hear me?
- He hears you, he hears you.
- Well Doctor, God won't tempt you beyond your strength.
Pray with me now, Doctor.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be your name.
- He lit a match!
- Blow it out, nurse!
- Get out!
- Hurry Cissy, would you hurry, please.
- I'm here, Doc.
- We're here to help you.
- Hold him, nurse.
- I'm here!
- Don't Doctor, don't light that cigarette!
- Be strong, Doc.
- We're here.
- One second more.
- Don't light it, Doc, I'm warning you.
- This way, Cissy.
- Doc, no.
- Stay where you are, Reverend.
- Homer, what're you doing with that gun?
Doctor, you mustn't.
- Reverend, my family has a long history of hypertension.
I had two aunts who blew their corks,
and a sister who's liable to go at any moment.
The only thing that's held me together is smoking.
Now, you can believe me when I say
one more day of this and psst, it's hello sis.
- Duck!
- Stay right where you are.
- Doc, now listen to me.
You're stronger than you think, Doc.
God didn't call you to destroy, but to heal.
- That's right, and I'm going to heal right now,
but I've never, I've never operated
without having a cigarette first.
- For God's sakes let him smoke.
- All right, who's smoking?
- Quiet, Amos.
Homer, that gun.
Doc, the cigarette now.
Hand it to me.
- Here's a scalpel.
- If he takes one puff we're done for.
- Amos, quiet.
Homer, you can put that gun away.
Doctor, I'm gonna walk over there,
and I'm gonna take that cigarette away from you.
- Then you come at your own risk.
- Take it easy, Reverend.
- Give it to me, Doctor.
- Stay away from me, I warn you.
- I'm coming after that cigarette.
- Not another step, Reverend.
- Nurse, get over here, nurse!
- It's Walter Chronic.
- Walter Chronic.
- That's Walter Chronic.
- Mr. Chronic.
- It's a great pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- Welcome to our city of Eagle Rock.
- I'm Homer.
- It's David Chetley.
- Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Now, the next order of business before the town meeting
is the Cutty Sark sign.
Some people seem to feel that it may be a little too large.
To be democratic about it,
let's hear from our new Cold Turkey Treasurer.
Madam Treasurer.
- Oh uh, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Well, the Cutty Sark people are willing
to pay a small fortune to put that sign on the square.
I have the figures right here someplace.
Oh Lord, well listen, I better give you the total figure.
Between Pabst, Pepsi-Cola, Reed's Ice Cream,
Seamly, Ladenform, and all the others,
we got a nice $186,000.00 and change.
Plus, all the members of the council
are all driving General Motors cars.
- Thank you, Madam Treasurer.
Very nice, thank you, thank you.
Please, please, take it easy.
All right now,
I think maybe we'll compromise on the Cutty Sark sign,
and put it off where it won't be too prominent.
Now, the next order of business
is Mr. Douglas Truesdale from Hollywood, California.
Mr. Truesdale is here seeking permission
to film his new movie, Kiss Me, Hungry,
right here in Eagle Rock, huh.
- Welcome to Eagle Rock now.
Welcome to Eagle Rock.
Move 'em on out, move 'em on out.
Welcome to Eagle Rock.
Non-smoking capital of the United States of America!
Right here for inspection, please.
You gotta be checked to tobacco products.
- Keep it going.
- Hey Chief, where's Main Street?
- You're on it, Mister.
Hurry up there, move along there.
- Looks larger on television, doesn't it?
- Yeah, I noticed that.
- Where's a good place to spend the night?
- How many, just the two of you?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah, I know a real farm that will put you up.
Ah, 15 bucks a head and that includes juice in the morning.
There's the address.
- Thanks, thanks a lot.
- A farm, I'm not gonna stay on any God damn farm.
- Tell my wife I'll be home at seven.
- Right here is where you get your souvenirs at Eagle Rock.
Right over here, come look them over.
We got everything!
See what you'd like to take home!
- Step inside to see the Cold Turkey doll.
She smokes and she talks.
She talks and she smokes.
Made right here in Eagle Rock.
Get your Cold Turkey doll here.
- I love you.
Smoking gives you cancer.
- Get your maps of the homes of the officials of the city.
These maps will take you right to the Mayor's home.
They'll take you right to the Minister's home.
See our famous minister.
- All right folks, step right up and have your picture taken
with one of the great town leaders here.
They're only a dollar and a half, two for 298!
Step right up now!
We've got Mayor Wappler over here on your left,
and that's Dr. Proctor on the right!
Step right up folks and have your picture taken
with all the great town leaders here!
- Eagle Rock, where's you head?
- Eagle Rock's going ape!
- It's all over, over 30!
- Eagle Rock, where's your head?
- Eagle Rock's going ape!
- Make sense, not money!
- It's all over, over 30!
- Harold, Martha, Dennis, what's going on here?
Dennis, what do you kids think you're going?
- They call it protesting.
- This is wrong, Dennis.
I don't understand you kids.
Eagle Rock's moving again.
It's found itself.
It's found its pride.
Don't you realize everyone stopped smoking.
Do you the self-sacrifice?
- Eagle Rock, where's your head.
- This is terrible.
Do you kids realize there are TV crews in this town?
Has your whole generation lost its sense of civic duty?
Well, has it, answer me!
- It's all over, over 30!
♪ O God, our help in ages past ♪
♪ Our hope for years to come ♪
♪ Our shelter from the stormy blast ♪
♪ And our eternal home ♪
♪ Under the shadow of Thy throne ♪
- Okay Bob, let's clear the head count.
Ready camera two.
♪ Sufficient is Thine arm alone ♪
♪ And our defense is sure, amen ♪
- My sermon for this morning is particularly relevant.
- Hold it, hold it!
I'm sorry, Reverend.
Arnie, we didn't get a clear shot of the Reverend that time.
- What, do you wanna take it again, Jerry?
- Yeah.
- Okay, ah, all right, Rev, let's take it from the top, huh.
The oh God, I help in ages pass bit,
and when you do the spiel at the pulpit,
can you kinda cheat it to your right a little, please?
- This is a church service.
It was to be photographed without interruption.
- I know, I know, baby, I know it was uncouth, okay.
Hey, settle, hey, hey, hey, boy.
Hey, you ready, Rev?
- Arnie, get him off to his right, will ya?
- All right, Jerry.
Okay Rev, cheat it out this way.
You can work from the right of the pulpit.
Good boy, okay.
Foot and foot.
Okay folks, this is it.
Now, everybody rise, up, up, up, up.
Good group, good group.
Now look, you're singing your hearts out, right?
Now, you dig the hymn and the words
that the Reverend is laying on you, okay?
So, let's make it real.
Make it live, all right.
Ah, Jerry, ah, Eagle Rock at work and prayer.
Pick up one, take one.
♪ O God, our help in ages past ♪
♪ Our hope for years to come ♪
♪ Our shelter from the stormy blast ♪
♪ And our eternal home ♪
- Now, you listen to me, Wren, and you listen to me good.
It ain't just the Valiant Tobacco Company
that's talking to you now, boy,
or the United Tobacco Company.
It's the whole damn tobacco industry.
Are you listening to me, boy?
- This Cold Turkey crap has gotten outta hand, Mister.
- Y'all got half the world praying for Eagle Rock,
the other half threatening to quit smoking
just outta sympathy.
- And it ain't the 25 million dollars
we're trying to save now, Wren.
It's every tobacco company in the business.
Wren, are you listening to us?
- We oughta have our own observers out there.
You know, people who wanna catch those smokers.
- Wren, how many smokers were there in Eagle Rock?
That's how many observers you'll need.
I mean, you'll glue one observer
to every one of them smokers.
And you hear me good now, Wren.
You catch us a smoker in Eagle Rock.
- Bottom line?
- Wren, if you bottom line me once more,
I'll choke you with my bare hands!
- You'll get your observers.
- What do you mean you were sent here
to help police this project?
We don't need your help in Eagle Rock!
We got a thing called self-help!
So, you can just turn this overgrown coffee pot around,
and take it back to your big city and your big government,
and tell them they know what they can do with their help!
- This is a takeover, ain't it?
- Everything's under control, Odie.
- It's all a big bullshit.
- Damn it to hell, Odie.
How many times do I have to tell you to leave my gun alone?
- Look here fella, we gotta get through here.
I've got my orders.
- No, you got my orders.
My orders is what you got.
- Shoot that communist, Amos.
Better dead than red.
- Ah, come on, Odie.
- And after what he done to Czechoslovakia.
- Now, I'm telling you right now.
- Get your Eagle Rock balloons right here, authentic!
- Get your money now.
There's not a lot of hats.
Hey, keep walking, will ya?
- I got a right to the sidewalk too!
- Get your hats!
- Everybody out, come on, everybody out.
- Of course, of course a lot has been going on here.
Eagle Rock has been doing quite well, excuse me.
- Thank you, Reverend.
- Oh Reverend, may I have my picture taken with you?
Cliff, come and take our picture.
- Right here, come on.
- Reverend Brooks, remember me?
Colonel Galloway, Washington.
- Oh, yes.
- Say, you folks sure have come a long way.
The White House wants you to know it's proud, real proud.
As a matter of fact,
we've been wondering how we might tie in,
oh, to help you, Reverend.
- Well yes, we'll certainly think it over.
Thank you very much, sir.
- Oh, but Reverend Brooks.
- One size fits everybody, Reverend.
You're the guy that started it all.
- Hello, Clayton.
- Bishop Manley.
- I was just passing through on my way to Bradford.
We're laying the foundation for the new seminary there.
- Bradford's Route 202.
You must be 30 miles out of your way.
- When I'm alone I shall curse my road map.
I've taken a tour of the town,
and I've seen what's happening here.
- Yes, Bishop, I,
I think I know what you're going to say.
- It's not difficult to recall the spirit of the community
the last time I was here,
but now, this vitality, this energy.
- This greed, this avarice.
- This unity of purpose.
- This anything for a buck.
- This Time Magazine.
It's just out.
Say we won't lose you to the movies.
- I tell ya Clayton, in sports, in scholarship,
there are many ways to measure success,
but in the God business,
I can't think of anything bigger than this, congratulations.
- Bishop, aren't we forgetting--
- Certainly, but we've got to look
at the whole picture, Clayton.
The church is bigger than Eagle Rock, you know?
There's a whole world out there that sees nothing,
but this, this symbol of practical and moral leadership.
It is reserved for few to know
that symbols are sometimes composed
of two parts dung and one part inspiration.
- Yes, well I haven't been stepping in
much inspiration lately.
- But, is it fair to deny
the rest of humanity the inspiration
simply because your shoes are a little scuffed?
Oh, Clayton, you may have reached your impossible dream,
Dearborn that is.
Get your pictures here
with one of these great Americans.
- Clayton, milk and cookies?
- No, thank you.
- It's so late, where were you?
- Where I am now, Natalie, where I always am, with him.
- Clayton, I wanna talk to you, Clayton.
- Natalie, do you wanna talk to me?
Well, speak up.
You can always talk to me.
You know that.
- No, please, don't turn the light on.
All right, fine.
Clayton, about Eagle Rock.
- Well, what about Eagle Rock?
Natalie, now, what about Eagle Rock?
- How will it profit the town
to gain the whole world and lose its own soul?
- You quoted scripture to me.
Did you hear yourself, Natalie?
You quoted scripture to me.
Tried to trap me with my very own words.
- I thought they were God's words, Clayton?
- Now you're trying to trap me with semantics,
and you're slouching again, Natalie.
- No, that won't work this time, Clayton.
For once I'm standing up to you.
You know what we've become in this town?
A pack of monsters.
You know what that makes you?
A monster maker.
There, I've said it.
- Monster maker, hmm?
Like who, Natalie?
The president, Winston Churchill, like Jonas Salk?
Albert Schweitzer, Pope Pius, Pope Paul, Pope John?
Who else do you know, Natalie, who made the cover of Time?
Don't slouch, Natalie.
- Welcome to Eagle Rock,
Non-smoking capital of the United States of America!
Hold it, hold it!
Wait here for inspection, please, hold it.
You gotta be checked for tobacco products.
I want camera two on that highest parallel.
Watch the camera, watch the camera.
- I don't care what you think anymore.
Reverend, will you please.
- I don't think that's very funny, Quincey.
- Folks, folks, please.
- I don't know what she wants more, a football field--
- You are trying to tell me
what a first class high school needs?
I say you've got nothing
unless you have an A-1 theater and an indoor swimming pool.
- And I say poppycock.
My high school didn't have a theater
or an indoor swimming pool,
and if I do say so myself,
I didn't turn out half bad.
- And you didn't turn out half good either.
- Now, what kind of a remark is that?
I thought we weren't supposed so personal
in a town council meeting.
- Now, we have got to repave around my bank.
I put in the acquisition.
- I don't see why I can not have
an extra $600,000.00 for my high school.
After all, uh, he's asking for twice that amount
for his ridiculous thing.
- My ridiculous thing happens to be an Americanism Center
right here in Eagle Rock,
and I'll tell you this one thing right now.
When it comes to my Americanism Center,
love it or leave it!
- How very rude you are, Amos Bush!
Now, I say he's got to apologize.
I want him to apologize to me.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please, please, this is unworthy of us.
This is hardly Eagle Rock behavior.
- The Mayor's right.
- Thank you.
- I think it's most important
for all of us to remember friends,
that Eagle Rock has become
a source of inspiration to this nation.
- Oh, the world.
- That's true, and I don't think
we can start spending 29 million dollars
when all we're gonna have is 25, now can we?
- Now, let's stick with first things first,
like the safety and protection of our citizens.
- Yes, yes, he's speaking of the new
four million dollar hospital.
- The hell you say, I'm talking about
the new two million dollar police station.
- No, no, no, there's got to be
a new four million dollar hospital.
After what I've been through,
and I want it named after me too.
The Doctor Proctor Hoctor.
The Hoctor General Proctor.
The Hospitoctor of Doctor Proctor Proctor.
Doctor Proctor Hoctor, The Hoctor, The Hoctor Proctor.
- Why doesn't he pull himself together?
- Oh, Wilma, please.
- It's these last few days,
they're worst than the first ones,
just knowing he's gonna be able to smoke again.
- Yeah well, the hell with that.
What about Main and Elm for our new police station.
- Main and Elm?
The new municipal complex is going out on Main and Elm.
- Folks, folks!
Can you hold it a second?
I've got some news.
I just got off the phone with Washington,
talking direct to the White House.
I've been asked to convey this invitation to you
from the president himself.
If you can postpone the presentation ceremony
until the day after tomorrow,
the president says you can all come down to Washington,
and be photographed on TV
right there on the east lawn with him.
Well, you know, receiving the check.
Well, how about sharing a split screen with the President?
Get a heck of a lot of exposure
with the President, you know?
- You can't park here, Mrs.
- Mr. Grayson, a few words for our radio audience.
- No, no, get outta here.
Well, all I can say, Wren,
is somebody better damn well light up
within the next 55 minutes,
because it 12 o'clock comes and this check goes,
Eagle Rock will be a symbol
that could crush the whole tobacco industry.
- Gentlemen, do you wonder why I'm not panicked?
It's very simple.
Hold on to this, and uh,
keep your eyes on the big clock on the corner,
and repeat after me, in Wren we trust.
In Wren we trust, in Wren.
- Balloons, balloons.
Get your Eagle Rock balloons right here.
- Hiya, Doc, light your cigarette.
- Ow!
- I like your boots, Amos!
- Hi, Mr. Grayson!
- Whoa, whoa, hold the band up.
Hold the band, hold the band up.
This is, this is important to all of you, so listen up.
Now, I've been thinking about what happens
when it comes 12 o'clock midnight.
That's in 25 minutes.
Now, there's two things that are gonna take place.
First of all, there's a few of us
that haven't lost our taste for smokes,
and when that big hand hits 12, look out!
- Tell 'em Art!
- Now, the second this is,
and, and this is the big one.
When 12 o'clock hits,
there's gonna be 25 million dollars coming to this town.
I wanna say right here and now
that I don't like what's being done with it.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Now, we got 25 million dollars coming,
and I figure that if you divide it
among the 4,000 residents of Eagle Rock,
it comes to a little over $6,000.00 a head.
- Please, please!
- I don't know about you folks,
but I got better things to do with $6,000.00
than donate it to the city!
- Please, please, don't listen to him!
Please, don't listen, please.
- It's the communist!
- Now, I say we take a vote right now!
- Please, listen to me, please!
- All those in favor to divide the money among the people,
raise you hand, raise your hand!
- No, look folks, please.
Shh, please folks!
Folks now, please listen to me.
You mustn't think of yourselves alone.
We must all think of the common good.
- The communist is out there.
- What?
- I seen him, Amos, he's got a gun and all.
- Oh, Odie!
- For the $6,000.00 a piece,
we'll have commerce, industry, jobs for all!
- Minneck, be ready on the clock.
- All set up here, Mr. Wren.
- In Wren we trust, gentlemen, go Minneck.
Bombs away, Brock.
- Please, folks.
- What is the big commotion?
We have discussed the motion.
- Somebody's done something to the clock!
- Folks, folks!
- What's happening?
Where are those cigarettes coming from?
- Cigarette, it's 12 o'clock!
Everyone grab a cigarette!
- Please, don't smoke!
- Folks!
- Please!
- Light up everyone!
- Do not smoke, do not smoke!
It's only 10 minutes to 12!
- I'm telling you to put those cigarettes down!
- Folks, listen to me!
Please, do not smoke!
It's only 10 minutes to 12!
The big clock is wrong!
- No, no no, big clocks are never wrong!
- The big clock is wrong!
- Big, big clocks are never wrong!
It's the night!
- Folks, listen to me!
Its' the devil, Satan, he's testing us!
He's testing our faith, our vows!
You must resist the temptation to smoke!
Something has gone wrong here, something dire!
- Put that lighter out!
- Put those cigarettes away!
Please, do not smoke!
- Now, you heard the Reverend, nobody smokes!
Odie, Odie!
- Folks, listen to me.
Homer Watson is going to call the newspaper in Lawrenceville
to get the correct time!
- Give me a light, yes, here.
- Please, do not smoke!
Folks, listen to me!
- Yes!
- Until Homer gets back, don't smoke!
- Let's wait for Homer, please!
- Do you understand?
Otherwise, Eagle Rock will lose everything!
- We can't lose!
- Reverend, he's got a cigarette.
- My God, folks, whoever's next to him, stop Dr. Proctor!
Do not let him smoke!
- Don't listen to him!
Let the Doctor smoke!
- Folks, please, please!
- Doctor!
- Don't smoke, easy Doctor!
- That's it, here, give me that.
Yes, give me the light.
- Stay calm!
Harold, Harold, play something!
Play something nice and sweet!
Oh, my God!
Please, don't smoke!
Homer, Homer, get out there.
Thin out the crowd!
You've got to stop them from smoking!
- Has anyone seen Dr. Proctor?
- Dr. Proctor, Dr. Proctor, where are you?
- Watch it, look out.
- Patience!
- Dr. Proctor!
- Let me have it!
- Don't smoke, we waited so long!
We can wait a little more!
- Miss, Miss, give me a light, please.
- Dr. Proctor, I got your light, Doctor!
- Please.
- What's going on here?
- Doctor, Doctor!
- Where, where, I'm coming.
- Dr. Proctor, Dr. Proctor!
Dr. Proctor, stay where you are!
I'll find you!
My lighter, my lighter!
You made me drop my lighter!
My lighter, don't anyone step on my lighter!
- There you are, you communist.
- Give me my lighter.
- Now Doctor, don't.
Doc, I don't know what happened.
- Well, I do.
I've been shot through the heart.
- But your clutching your side.
- I know where I've been shot, damn it, I'm a doctor.
- Doc.
- Yes, Reverend.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes, light me.
- But, you gotta wait till midnight.
There's just three minutes left.
- I haven't got three minutes.
- Now I've heard everything.
A minister who won't grant a dying man's last request.
Anybody have a match for a dying man.
- Why don't you use this cigarette lighter?
- That's not a lighter.
- My lighter isn't anywheres near that loud.
- Oh, give me the gun.
He's still moving.
- That's enough.
Shooting.
- Hold it, hold it, Homer is here!
- It's all a big bullshit.
- Homer is here, listen, please.
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Homer's got the right time!
He's got it, it's five, four, three, two, one, it's over!
We made it!
Yes, we made it!
I got the check, here it is!
Look at it!
Oh, it's wonderful!
25 million dollars!
- Please, you got a match, please?
- Look, look, we got the check!
We finally won!
Look, look here, here it is!
Here's the check right in my hand!
Look out, look out, somebody's coming!
We won!
- Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen!
Please, may I have your attention?
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
- In Eagle Rock?
What's he doing here?
- It is the President.
- Oh my God, the President of the United States.
- Sir, sir, may I, may I have a light, please?
- The President!
Now, let's get this shot of the President!
I don't want his God damn cuff links!
Get me a shot of the President!
- He's beautiful, he's here in Eagle Rock.
I tell ya, it's beautiful, what an honor.
- The President wants you to look up there.
- Eagle Rock.
- The future home
of the Mercury Missile Plant.
♪ He gives us all his love ♪
♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪
♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪
♪ He knows how hard we tried ♪
♪ He hears the babies crying ♪
- Natalie!
♪ He sees the old folks dying ♪
♪ And he gives us all his love ♪
♪ He gives us all his love ♪
♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪
♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪
♪ Now, if you need someone to talk to ♪
♪ You can always talk to him ♪
♪ And if you need someone to lean on ♪
♪ You can lean on him ♪
♪ He gives us all his love ♪
♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪
♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪