- Once upon a future time,
in the lush little Land of Plenty,
in the enviable state of Affluence,
bordering on Decadence to the north,
and the state before to the south,
there nestled, deep within the Erogenous Zone,
the peaceful City of Leisure, resting snugly
on the western shore of the Idle Sea.
In this lazy, but lovely town,
the people of Leisure labored, and lived, and laughed, and loved.
And loved some more.
Though their love had nothing to do with the
archaic notion of romantic love,
which was the subject of many a cautionary tale,
told by the wary citizens.
On the sun-drenched plaza, empty,
because it was so early in the morning,
sat Elvira, ready to face a new day.
Elvira, as pretty as she was practical.
As persevering as she was punctual.
She and her husband, Jack, typical people of Leisure,
had a busy social life, which, happily,
never strained their successful and stable marriage.
But, when they were able to savor those
precious moments alone, they really
savored those precious moments alone.
Well, anyway, Elvira was up very early that morning
because she had a plan.
An integral part of her well-conceived strategy,
was to get up early to begin Operation Music Box.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the village,
lived another couple, Betsy and Eddie,
who, at that very moment, were slowly waking
from the blissful warmth of a night sweetly spent,
cuddled in each other's arms.
- I better get going.
- Oh.
Well, I guess I'll see if Elvira's up.
- In point of fact,
everyone was up early that morning.
SCORE
- Good morning, my love.
- Well, well, well.
Didn't we set out early,this morning?
And don't we look enticing?
- Why, thank you.
- Except, isn't it early for false eyelashes?
- I'm expecting company.
- Betsy.
- I should have known.
The gracious hostess outfit.
- We played your games last night, my love.
- Are we playing Loretta Young this morning?
- I'll play mine today.
- Come on, Elvira.
It was a nice little party,last night.
- I've spent better evenings washing underwear.
That's the third fiasco you've gotten us into this month.
I don't think we shall answer anymore ads.
Or pick up anymore couples on the Sea Europe,
and all you can eat for 50 cents a day budget.
- Don't be a sexual snob.
We'll do better next time.
Well, one undergrad newspaper is no different from another.
Or one budget tourist.
People one meets are all so tacky.
Well, you've got to admit, at least they were interesting physically.
- Oh, every time I turned over,
there was another appendectomy scar.
- You are a sexual snob.
- Truth is, an ad makes it too easy.
No mystery.
No challenge.
- Getting there is half the fun?
- More than that.
A good deal more.
- You miss the chase, don't you?
- Don't you?
- I'm lazier than you.
Not as tenacious, not as patient.
- The spider and the gadfly.
- The perfect marriage.
- You're late.
- Hey, just give me ten minutes.
Speaking of your tenacity, your six months are nearly up.
You're running out of time.
- With Besty?
- With Betsy.
Unless something new has caught your fancy.
You do play it down to the wire.
- That's why I win.
- Not always.
- Oh?
And what is the score, Jack?
I thought she and her husband were coming to dinner tonight.
- That is correct.
- What are they doing in this place?
What does the husband do?
- Scientist of some kind.
He swims around, looking for water pollution.
- Swims?
- I told you.
- You still think they'll come?
- Why shouldn't they?
- When did you see her last?
- A week.
- Nearly two.
- Is she avoiding you?
I think she senses that something
- Of course, she does.
But she doesn't know what she senses.
- Does she still call you every morning?
- I fascinate her.
She can't grab hold, but she can't let go.
- Using a music box today?
Of course. She's incredibly sentimental.
- What is it, this time?
Family heirloom, or wedding present?
- No, her mother had one.
How convenient. She hasn't phoned yet?
- No, today she'll be by.
Oh, when you get to the location,
would you call the telephone company, report the phone out of order?
- Is it really?
Or do you just want company?
- Oh, it is out of order, I assure you.
I saw to that.
- Hell of a lot of trouble, for one little powderpuff.
- You bastard.
- All right, I'll report it first thing.
And, if I get a chance, I'll call later,
and see how things are going.
- If I don't answer, you'll know.
- Mm, that's my girl.
- And Jack was off to earn some daily bread,
and to report a telephone out of order.
He had a pretty good idea of what might happen that morning,
and even what might happen that entire weekend.
- Elvira.
- Betsy, I was hoping you'd...
Eddie, what are you...
Why aren't you at work?
- Well, I should be.
- Is anything wrong?
- No, nothing.
See, everything's all right.
- OK.
- What?
Well, when I couldn't reach you on the phone, I got worried.
- She'd been sure you'd been murdered and raped.
- Murdered, maybe.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Can I go now?
I'm really behind, as it is.
- Of course.
- Bye bye.
- Eddie.
- Bye bye, honey.
- Bye bye, I'll miss you.
- Is the phone really out of order? - Yes.
- Why, so it is.
- I called to report it, is that all right?
- It must have happened at the party, last night.
Well, it really wasn't a party, or you and Eddie would have been invited.
- Oh, we couldn't have come, anyway.
- Bowling?
- Every Thursday.
- The fascination of bowling has always escaped me.
- Me, too.
- Let's go shopping.
- Did you have a nice evening,Elvira?
- No, I'd tell you all about it, only you'd blush.
- That's all a good Catholic girl ever does.
- So, while the ladies did errands,
the husbands were busily occupied with their chores.
Eddie, an ecologist, tried to keep the waters clean
and his test tubes in order.
Jack, a photographer, shot outdoor sports for profit.
and indoor sports for fun.
Also, living in the village of Leisure, was Mike,
the big, bad, wolf, on his way to the house in the woods,
where Elvira was proceeding with phase two,
of Operation Music Box.
- The other day, Jack decided he
wanted to answer one of those ads.
You know.
In here.
In the back, the personals.
I think it's page 31.
The one that's circled.
- Oh.
"Swinging couple, late 20's, traveling in Europe in July,
"bored with, bored with middle-class morality,
"wants to widen horizons with similarly inclined couples,
"to 35, especially interested in camera bugs,
"and model types, all replies answered,
"send photos."
So, you did it, huh?
Um, what does Jack say is important in an erotic photo?
- F22.
Here's the evidence.
It's upside down.
- Well, um, anyway, it doesn't
make any difference to me.
Of course, I wouldn't do it.
I really couldn't.
I mean, I might think about doing it,
but I couldn't do it.
- Well, everyone fantasizes.
- Yes, but whenever I do,
I never see myself doing anything.
- You must experience much
less guilt than most people.
- Hey, don't laugh at me.
I told you, when you're taught
by the nuns, you never forget.
- I always wanted a Polaroid. - Shall I show you how to operate it?
Let's go upstairs.
- I just love your bedroom, it's so, so lived-in.
Oh, I'm sorry, I--
- Here we go.
First, you push that down.
Now, you set the focus here.
Now, all you have to do is look through here
and press that little red button.
- What shall I shoot?
- Shoot this.
- Ready?
Oh, what's this?
"Amyl nitrate."
What's it for?
- "Angina pectoris."
Do you have a heart condition?
- A "heart condition."
- I don't understand.
- Well, sometimes you can make an evening more interesting.
- Oh, drugs?
- Say "pharmaceuticals," it's more gentile.
Now, weren't you going to take my picture?
- Um...
Don't you want to cover up?
You're, you're exposed.
- Well, leave my face out of the picture.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, who's that?
- Telephone company.
- I wasn't expecting you so soon.
This is the fastest service we've gotten, since we've been here.
- Well, we aren't very busy, today.
One of those saint's days.
Gee, what have we got here?
- We had a little party last night.
We were all drinking rather heavily.
Some of us have stumbled over the cord.
- Under the table?
- What were they doing under the table? - I can't imagine.
Can you?
- Must have been some party.
- Average.
- What do you do at a good one?
Knock down a wall?
- Depends on the guest list.
- I wish I'd been invited.
- If I'd known you yesterday, you would have been.
Oh, you must excuse me, I wasn't expecting anyone.
- Yeah, it's all right.
I tell you, in this line of work,you see
people in all states, you know what I mean?
- Well, if you'll excuse me.
My friend is here, we were just going over some things upstairs.
- Recipes?
- Something like that.
- OK, Mrs. Jackson.
- "Mrs. Jackson" is my mother-in-law.
My name is "Elvira."
- "Elvira."
It's a very unusual name, you know.
- Can I get you a cup of coffee before I go?
- Uh, no thanks.
Maybe later.
- Maybe.
The telephone repair man.
- Oh, already?
- They're not very busy, today.
One of those saint's days.
He's really rather handsome, in a rough sort of way.
- Well, I was thinking,
with all of you in bed, how do you know
- Who's who?
- Well, yeah.
- You don't.
First, you don't know.
Then, you can't tell.
Then, you don't care.
When I first met Jack, it took me
a long time to get used to it.
His ways.
Oh, I'd heard all about him, and his adventures.
Then I found out that everything I'd heard was true.
And one day, just before I married him, I said--
- Jack, I know you'd just as soon climb aboard
a man as a woman, wouldn't you?
- Elvira, I'd climb aboard a porcupine,
if it struck my fancy.
- Well, it didn't make much sense to me, then.
But, over the years, it's begun to rub off.
- Porcupine, huh?
- Well, I doubt that you'll
ever have to resort to a porcupine.
No. not someone as lovely as you.
How about that cup of coffee, now?
Well, you know, I don't even know your name.
- Mike, Mike Nixon.
- Hello.
- No relation.
You a photographer?
- Oh, no, it's Elvira's.
She was showing me.
- Yeah, my kid brother has one of these,
and you should see some of the pictures he takes with it.
Well, sorry, ladies.
- Mike, we're all adults.
My husband calls it, "God's gift to pornography."
- That's what I meant.
- That's what I thought you meant.
- No offense.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
- Um, I'll help you.
- I can handle it, myself.
Show Mike the terrace.
- How did you happen to get into this line of business?
- Well, I always say, when they ask me, you know,
I always tell 'em, "I was reading this book, one time,
"from England, about this telephone repairman,
"and all his adventures."
You know, his "adventures"?
And everyone always laughs.
But that wasn't the reason.
I mean, I never had no adventures.
- What was the name of the book?
- I don't know, it was a long time ago.
As a matter of fact, I'm not so sure there ever was such a book.
It was like one of those things you hear about over the years, you know?
- I think I read the same book.
- You did, huh?
- All about the adventures of this young stud.
This young, blonde stud.
- Blonde?
He doesn't have to be blonde.
- Young, muscular, stud.
And how he went from house to house,
being nice to love-starved housewives.
- That's the one.
- Is it like that in real life?
- It happens.
- What would you do, if it happened to you?
- I think I could handle it.
I'm sure I could.
If I was interested.
- Do you still want that cup of coffee?
- Why not?
- Betsy.
- Oh!
- Hot!
- Oh, I'm sorry!
I'll get something to put on it.
- You two always make such a production out of it?
- I'm, I'm just a visitor here, myself.
- This should take the sting out of it.
I hope you don't think that was intentional.
- That wasn't what I was thinking. I was thinking,
"What would have happened,
"if the coffee spilled all over you?"
Huh?
- Why don't you take off your hat, and stay awhile?
- Elvira.
I think I'll be going, now.
Elvira.
- Want a drink?
- No, thanks.
Next time, got a dinner date, at home.
- When is Betsy coming?
- She'll be along.
- Let me check your coat, Eddie. And your jacket.
- Sit down. - What are you drinking?
- Um, milk, first, if you've got any.
I can nurse the ulcer before I nurse anything else.
- You're too young to have an ulcer.
- You look all of 17.
- 22.
I still get asked for my I.D.
- Not necessary, here.
What are you gonna have for a second course?
- Anything. Scotch?
- Scotch, coming right up.
- How long have you had an ulcer? - Since I was 15.
- Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Junk mail.
- Was Betsy here, all afternoon?
- No, we ended up at your place, this afternoon.
She called me a couple of times. Do you know what it was?
- I haven't got the vaguest notion.
- I better check, can I use your - Drink your milk, first.
- Oh, that's enough.
- She'll probably be here, before you finish this.
- You stay here, I'll phone.
- How do you think we'll do in the Olympics?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Dunno, huh?
- No.
- Thank God, not gonna be one of those evenings.
- Betsy. Elvira. - You and Betsy been married long?
- About a year, a little less.
- Elvira and I have been married a lot longer.
- That's nonsense, Betsy.
You think we do that sort of thing all the time?
- What brings you here, anyway?
- Ecology grant.
We're studying comparative pollution of the seas,
between here and the States.
- Sounds fascinating.
- Betsy wants to talk to you.
- Hi.
Where are you?
But I thought...
No, there's no one here but Jack, Elvira, and me.
Look, this was your idea.
All right, hold on.
She's got a headache.
- Tell her to take a couple of aspirin.
Well, look, they've already got dinner on. I can't do that.
- Let me speak to her.
Betsy? Jack here.
What's the matter?
Oh, too bad.
Look, you don't mind if Eddie stays on for dinner, do you?
If you're feeling better, later, you can join us for dessert.
Oh, sorry.
Did you want to talk to her?
- No, that's all right. - I'm sure she'll be along any minute.
- Well, if you'll excuse me, I do have
things to do in the kitchen.
A woman's work, you know.
- Say, that's a nice looking ring.
- You like it?
I wasn't sure I liked it.
I thought it looked a little queer.
- "Queer" strange, or "queer" faggoty?
- "Queer" faggoty.
But my boss wears one.
He's got three kids.
See what I mean?
- Where'd you get yours?
- Betsy gave it to me.
- Birthday?
- No, my birthday's in June.
- June.
Gemini?
- Right, the twins.
- So, you're a Gemini.
- Is that bad?
I don't know anything about that.
- Well. Gemini men are schizophrenic,
split-personality, double life.
- I take the fifth.
- Take whatever you can get.
- Yeah.
- I'm a Scorpio, myself.
- Oh, what does that make you?
Paranoid?
- Sex-fiend.
- I think I need another ice cube.
- Make yourself at home.
Of course, that's an over-simplification.
- What?
Oh, the "sex fiend" thing, yeah.
Hey, that's a nice picture of Elvira.
- Yeah.
- Look, I might as well tell you. right off,
I can't hold my liquor worth a damn.
- What does it make you do?
- What does it make me do?
- Liquor.
Does it make you feel silly, or belligerent?
Sleepy?
Sexy?
- Careless.
Uh, care-free, I mean.
- What does grass do to you?
- Grass?
One night I went bowling, and one of the guys had some.
- And...?
- Nothing happened.
- Never does, the first time.
- Oh, I didn't hear you come in.
- Eddie, you're blushing.
Did I interrupt some man talk?
- Oh, no, we were just talking about turning on.
- Oh, doesn't it take two or three times?
- Well, surprise.
- I'm sorry about this afternoon.
- I'm glad you decided to come.
- Am I still invited?
- I'll see if we have enough chairs.
- You've got quite a wife, there. - I think so.
- Elvira tells me she goes bowling with you, that sort of thing.
- Well, we try to do things together.
- Was she there the night you turned on? - Oh, no, she--
- Did somebody say, "turn on"?
We were just talking about the night Eddie turned on.
- Turned on? - I was gonna tell you.
- You turned on? - Yeah, once, it was nothing.
- You never told me. - Christ, Eddie, I'm sorry.
- When did you do that? - One night at bowling.
You know, that night, you were having your peri...
You weren't feeling well.
- So, you turned on. - Yes.
- I'd like another. - Coming up.
- Look, Eddie, I didn't mean to - Forget it.
- Betsy, have I spoiled the evening? - Of course not.
I mean, I'm not a nun.
It's just that I didn't know.
- Have you ever smoked? - I don't even smoke cigarettes.
- Well, it's not the same thing. - It was nothing.
- Well, how many times? - Once, I told you.
- Well, I read, you have to do it two or three times--
- Drop it. - No, you're--
- Drop it!
- We keep ours in the pepper mill.
I'd better set the timer, or we'll forget all about the veal and peppers.
- Don't you ever play, anymore? - Never.
Well, that's sad, isn't it? Isn't it, Eddie? Eddie?
Did I ever tell you? Elvira's a pianist.
- Ex-pianist, if you please. - Eddie?
- I saw the photograph. - Jack took it.
- It was the first picture I ever took of Elvira.
Where was it taken?
San Francisco.
That was the summer I was bumming around California.
You know, I've always wanted to do that.
Just me and my camera.
'Til I met her.
- And you gave it all up for him.
I never wanted to be a concert pianist that badly.
Oh, I always wanted to play the piano.
I took piano lessons for years.
The only thing I can play now is
"Heart and Soul" and "Chopsticks."
But I only play the top part.
- Of what?
- "Heart and Soul" and "Chopsticks."
- Then I'll play the bottom. - Or what?
- "Heart and Soul" and "Chopsticks." - OK.
- Can we play? - Yes, but I'll need both hands.
- Am I stoned, yet? - I don't think so.
- Then why don't we play "Chopsticks," anyway.
Hit it.
- You know something, old buddy?
That is a brilliant song.
- Right, it's always been one of my favorites.
Right.
I don't remember the words.
An interesting picture, on the cover of this magazine.
Right, only it's a newspaper.
Right. Only, it's interesting.
That man looks like a cowboy.
I always wanted to be a cowboy.
I didn't. Because I'd rather wear Levi's than dress pants.
Do you like to wear Levi's, Jack? I never wanted to be a cowboy.
No, I did.
I'm the one that wanted to be a sailor.
- A sailor?
I never wanted to be a sailor in my whole life.
So, I enlisted in the navy.
I was going to go to Colorado one summer, but I never got there.
I had a trick knee, so they wouldn't take me.
I always wanted to be a model.
I thought you wanted to play the piano.
I wanted to be a model who played the piano.
Oh.
I could have been, too.
Except for my breasts.
They're very small.
I should have worn my boots tonight.
But I like my breasts, anyway.
Don't you, Eddie?
You've got good breasts.
Where was I?
You know what I always wanted to be?
- Oh, yes, it's Elvira's turn.
Do tell.
A girl on the cover of the Police Gazette.
What's in here?
Just what you've always wanted.
- Are we gonna play dress-up?
This is silly.
So is this.
Hey, look, Betsy, now you can be on the cover of the Police Gazette.
Oh, that wasn't me, that was Elvira.
But it's not a bad idea for you.
What are you gonna dress up as?
Something special.
Here, hold this.
Gee.
That's just what I was saying.
Betsy, I seem to be having some difficulty.
Elvira, I'll bet when I wasn't looking, you got stoned.
I'll bet I did, too.
Am I stoned, yet?
I don't think so.
If you'll excuse me, I have to take my clothes off, now.
Hurry back.
- Dress whites.
- Hey, Jack's gonna be a sailor.
Do I look like a cover girl, Betsy?
- Oh, it's perfect.
No one will every guess you play the piano.
- Is it straight?
Join the navy, and see the world.
What am I gonna wear?
No tattoos, though.
Now what are we gonna do about that?
Well, I could draw one on, if you want me to.
Sure.
- What do you want, old buddy?
How about, an arrow, with an arrow through it.
Well, if that's what you want.
That's what I want, old buddy.
Here, let me see you do it.
I have to have spiked heels.
What size?
You got my size?
How come you got all sizes?
Because, Jack's a photographer, dumb-dumb.
Didn't I ever tell you that?
Not very good, old buddy.
Best one I've ever had, old buddy.
Look, Elvira.
Stunning.
- I'd call it a real masterpiece.
Betsy, why don't you try this?
- Should I do it, Eddie?
- Betsy's turn.
No, I can't.
Oh, I don't know!
I'll help.
- I'll do it.
After all, Eddie, she did it for me.
Now, I can be your lady.
Oh, an awful lot of buttons on those pants.
Yeah.
Why don't I just wear nothing?
- That would be vulgar.
Here we go.
Oh, now where did that come from?
Heaven.
- Are you laughing at me?
- Of course not.
Is he?
Well, we all did it.
What's the matter with you?
- I was busy helping Jack.
Yeah, what have you got that's so special
you've got to keep it hidden, huh?
- I'm gonna do it.
What's so funny?
You don't have hair on your chest, like Jack does.
You knew that.
I don't usually like men who
have hair on their chest, do you?
Not usually.
But I like you in the nude, Jack.
I like you, too, Betsy.
And I like you, too, Elvira.
Why, thank you.
I like everyone here.
But him.
'Cause he won't take his pants off.
What do I get to wear?
I've got just the thing.
No.
How about these?
Not yet.
Come on.
Hey.
Where did you get these Levi's?
- Believe it or not, those
Levi's once belonged to the Lone Ranger.
Oh, it's turned into a roach already.
Jack, I've gotta have boots.
Sure thing, Kemosabe.
"Kemosabe," that's a good one, too.
Am I stoned, yet?
I don't think so.
Well, I'm sure trying.
Jack, do you think I have this thing on backwards?
- Which way you facing?
Boy, what a dumb question.
Are you ever--
Jesus Christ.
Go play.
Want to dance?
Oh, I don't think so.
But I'll play the piano for you.
- Hi, there, cowboy.
- All I know is what I read in the newspapers.
- Isn't the line, "I've never met a man I didn't like?"
- Huh?
- Where'd you learn to handle the rope like that?
Just comes natural, I guess.
Listen, how would you like to come upstairs?
Teach me how to do it.
OK.
- That was lovely, Betsy.
What would you like to play now?
I like to play the radio.
Eddie.
Yeah.
Come dance with me.
- Huh?
- OK.
Hi, there, Cowboy.
Give it back.
Give me my hat.
Get it.
What are we gonna do now?
I think dinner is almost ready.
- As twilight enveloped the happy, homey house,
in the lush little Land of Plenty, in the serene
City of Leisure, bordering on Decadence to the north,
and the state of Euphoria to the south,
and resting lazily on the western shore of the Idle Sea,
Elvira and Jack, and Betsy, and Eddie, were recovering
from a rich, hearty meal.
Now I have to go.
Really?
- Already?
- To the toi-toi.
Help yourself.
I'm going to get some fresh air.
Is it going to happen tonight, El?
It had to.
That's the way I look at it.
Because if it doesn't happen tonight,
it's not going to happen at all.
A very astute appraisal.
It isn't an appraisal, Elvira, it's a reminder.
The six months, the time limit,
the six months will be up tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Six months, those are the rules.
I know the rules, but the exact day...
This menu is dated, "January 10th."
And?
At midnight, do you know what day it will be?
Saturday.
Go on.
The 10th of July.
Well, well, well, you did know, after all, didn't you?
I haven't lost this one, yet.
But you will, El.
You're going to lose this one.
And the score will be tied again.
Two and two.
But as of now, the score is not tied.
I am still ahead.
Two and two, El.
Two and two.
The little manicurist.
What was her name?
You know God damn well her name, "Linda."
Oh, I'd forgotten it, already.
But I knew you hadn't.
"Linda."
Linda and Betsy.
That's two, El.
I count two.
Two big failures.
Two big goose eggs.
The two that got away.
If you want to stroll down memory lane, my love,
we could spend an entire evening on
the Shell gas station attendant.
All right.
Or the Olympic pole vaulter.
- But, I am not playing the game this evening.
I'm not "at bat," as it were.
The evening isn't over, yet.
As far as I can see, it is.
In fact, I'd be willing to bet it is.
Jack?
You're not usually a gambling man.
- True.
I'd even make the small token wager.
Such as?
The boy.
Is he yours to bet?
Well, what would you say?
What would your astute appraisal be?
I would say it would be possible,
with a few well-chosen words, and a pair of cowboy boots
That is an astute appraisal.
Well?
I have two hours, right?
Those are the rules.
And, if by the end of that two hours, I have, um,
achieved Betsy...
Then you may have him, too.
I will not even touch him.
I will dispense with him.
I will give him to you.
A big, personal sacrifice, I might add.
You see, El, you wouldn't appreciate him,
half as much as I would.
And worse than that.
He wouldn't appreciate you.
The hell I do.
Yeah, you should see yourself.
Separate them, get him out of here,
give me the last two hours.
Oh, I don't know, El.
You drive one hell of a hard bargain.
I warn you.
I only bet on sure things.
Still, there's the convent between
you and that girl.
I'll bet on the nuns.
- Well, how we doing?
Well, Cowboy?
Betsy says I look silly.
- Not to me, you don't.
If I didn't know better, I'd swear
I was a cowboy, you could fool me.
I don't want to be belligerant, or anything,
but if anybody saw me, I bet they'd say,
"There goes a cowboy from Montana."
Then again, you might say,
There goes a native New Yorker pretending
to be something he isn't."
- You shut up.
Only you're from New Jersey.
- There's only one way to settle this.
Ley's go see.
We'll all go out and test Eddie,
and I'll keep score.
- Are you going to go like that?
Oh, well, I don't want to go, anyway.
I'm having too much fun here.
Well, I'm going.
But we'd have to take your word for it.
- Wouldn't you believe me, old buddy?
I wouldn't believe you.
Would you believe me, Betsy?
Well, how long are you going to be gone?
- Just a few minutes.
No.
We might be gone a few hours.
Or a few days.
Or maybe we won't come back at all.
I'm gonna get a joint.
"Greater love hath no man."
It isn't love, Jack.
That never really was a consideration, was it?
- Did you always fight like that?
- Running around like some kind of, midnight cowboy.
He's gonna get himself arrested.
- He's a big boy.
- No, he isn't
- The name of the game is, "me first."
It's high time you found that out.
- He's my husband.
- That doesn't give him
the right to hurt you that way.
- He doesn't mean to.
Perhaps you never should have married him in the first place.
- That's what everybody said.
Even my brother, he was Eddie's best friend,
and even he said, "Don't marry Eddie."
- He'll be back.
- I don't want him to come back.
- If he does come back, we won't let him in.
- We'll lock him out.
- Whatever you say.
- That'll fix him for this morning.
- This morning?
What happened this morning?
- Well, he was in the bathroom,
and I thought he was shaving, and I went
in the door without knocking, which is something I never do,
and he was, he was...
It was like that.
I bet he was thinking of gentlemen.
And I wasn't it, at all.
He didn't want me.
You're sure lucky.
You have such beautiful long legs,
and beautiful breasts.
And you have Jack.
You look so pretty in black.
I think I'd better go.
Did I do something?
It wasn't you.
Then what, on Earth, is wrong?
I was touching you.
- Do you think that makes you a les.. - Well, I'm not.
- Are you afraid to stay? - No!
- You are, you're afraid of me. - I am not.
- You're afraid of yourself. - That's ridiculous.
Do you think if you stayed, something might happen?
Of course not.
Even if we sleep in the same bed?
You don't believe that, or you'd stay.
I just think it would be better if I go.
But where will I go?
- Well, you could go home.
- No, I want to be with someone,
but, it should be Eddie.
My mamma used to have a music box.
I want you to have this one.
A present.
From me.
To you.
What's the matter?
I have an awful headache.
I'm afraid I'm not a very good junkie.
Am I having, what they call a "bad trip"?
Nothing that exciting.
I'd say that, what you really need is to lie down and relax.
Except I'm sure that you'd misunderstand.
I can't remember the last time I had a back rub.
Eddie's not very good at it.
Well I am.
My mamma used to give me back rubs.
That's how long ago it's been.
That feels so good.
So fucking good.
That's the first time
I've ever said "fuck" in my whole life!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I lost my true lover
For portin' too slow
- Hello!
We're back!
- Shh!
Where is everybody?
Shh!
One... shh...
Here.
You work on this, Cowboy.
Just go downstairs in the den.
Wait for me there.
I'll go see how the girls are doing.
Jack.
Hello?
Is she there?
Who is that, Eddie?
My stockbroker.
At this hour?
He's, um, calling from New York.
Quicksilver, nothing's happened.
But I still have 20.
Is that what your records show?
Concede.
- Not on your life.
Would you prefer we stay downstairs?
Would you mind, terribly?
You know, you could buy another hour or two.
- How?
Forget about the side bet.
- That's what I thought you had in mind.
Never.
I am not interested in that stock.
OK, 20 minutes.
But, if you're not down here, gloating,
over your latest achievement, the boy is mine.
- 20, it is.
And not a point more.
Scorpio, signing off.
- What did your broker say?
Oh, the usual.
Some things are going up, and some things are going down.
The girls got tired of waiting up,
decided to go to sleep.
- Well, wake 'em up, I want to tell her who won.
- Tell her in the morning, old buddy. - I want to tell her now.
- Look, old buddy. - Yeah, old buddy?
You know, and I know, that everybody
thought you were a cowboy.
Isn't that enough?
Well, I've got to get her up and take her home, anyway.
Oh, let her sleep.
You don't have to get up in the morning.
It's Saturday.
Sleep over.
Where?
On the floor?
No, this opens up.
No.
Magic.
Maybe I should just go tell him, I saw him this morning.
- Not tonight.
You're not thinking clearly.
- Oh, yes, I am, Elvira.
I am totally, um, together.
Wait until morning.
You'll be in complete control, then.
- Well, that makes sense.
You always make sense, Elvira.
- Now, close your eyes.
- I'll stay.
Boy, you're certainly having a hell of a time with that, old buddy.
Well, don't just sit there on your butt, give me a hand!
All right, just relax.
Relax.
I was afraid you might not be able to sleep.
In this bed.
Knowing what happened here, last night.
I hadn't even thought about it, 'til now.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't apologize.
- My stomach's not feeling too good, tonight.
You're really a big worrier, aren't you?
- That's what they tell me.
Really at odds with yourself.
What is it, the job?
That's part of it.
- Oh. - What is this, I don't even know you.
How can I tell you the story of my life, just like that?
That's the secret, Cowboy.
Only talk to strangers.
Don't tell your friends a God damn thing.
There's some kind of crazy logic in that, isn't there?
A little music?
- You know when you hate to go to work
in the morning, and you hate to come home at night,
there's not a hell of a lot left.
Made a mistake or two, huh?
- Or 50.
- What are you doing?
Smoking.
OK.
Do you want a pill?
I can't take the pill, I'm Catholic.
Not "the" pill.
- "A" pill. - Did you ever see that poster
in the States that says, "The pill is a no-no."
Want me to tell you something?
- What?
I think marriage is a "no-no."
Maybe.
For you.
- You're so lucky to have somebody like Jack.
- I suppose.
Jack and I have a pretty good arrangement.
- Damn near perfect for us.
And then, there's my work.
- What kind of photography do you do?
- Fashion.
Female and male.
A little of each.
- Oh, yeah?
How long has it been, since you looked at one of those?
About a year.
- Eddie had been to this convention.
and when he came home, I was going
to unpack a suitcase, but he wouldn't let me.
I didn't think much about it, at the time.
- Ever look at the others?
Yeah, once.
And then, the next day, I was throwing
out the garbage, and the sack broke.
And there were all these dirty magazines.
Except they were men.
Naked men.
Maybe he likes both.
Jack's been to bed with a man, before.
- Well, have you?
What?
Ever been to bed with a man before?
No.
He wants to, but I don't think he has.
Well, not since I was 15, you know,
a little mutual messing around.
- I guess we've all done a little of that.
- Did you ever tell Elvira? - Elvira?
Let me tell you something.
I don't usually like to talk about it, but, what the hell?
You know, when I first met Elvira,
it took me a long time to get used to her.
Up and down the coast, everybody knew her.
Or knew of her.
Her adventures.
And then, little by little, I found out
that everything I'd heard about her was true.
But it didn't matter, because I still wanted to marry her.
But before I asked her, I said..
Elvira? I know you'd just as soon jump in the sack
with a woman as a man, wouldn't you?
Jack.
I'd jump in the sack with a porcupine,
- if it struck my fancy. - Didn't make any sense to me, then,
but, over the years, it's begun to rub off.
- Did I ever tell you how I met Eddie?
No.
- I've known him all my life.
He's my brother's best friend.
He and Tommy were inseparable.
Tommy.
- This kid who lived around the corner.
He was a year older than I was.
We used to go down to the basement.
Where's your brother now?
- Oh, he's in Hollywood,
trying to get into the movies.
- Movies, huh?
I've been making movies, myself,lately.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's about these two guys who meet on a bus trip, out west.
- Out west?
Seems like a...
Well, I suppose you've seen it, so many times.
No, as a matter of fact, I was thinking of running it,tonight.
I want to cut out a couple of shots.
- Well, go ahead, I don't mind.
I'm not really very sleepy.
I don't know how I'm going to get to sleep.
- We'll have to show it on the wall.
Screen's up in the bedroom, and
we don't want to wake the girls.
- Want another backrub?
- That would be nice.
- I've got a better idea.
- What's that?
- Hey, I said "the wall," not "your belly."
- Come.
- Wild, pretty wild.
It's better, stoned.
- Much better.
- I sleep in the raw.
Do you mind?
You're the boss.
Do you?
Sometimes.
Sometimes?
Are you gonna sleep in all that denim?
I never could sleep in much of anything.
Could you?
I do, sometimes.
I kind of hate to take it off.
I had such a good time, tonight.
Such a good time.
What time is it?
- Nearly midnight.
- Nearly midnight?
A little before.
That clock's slow.
That watch is fast.
- Bingo.
- Bingo...
- Good morning.
- Sleep well?
- Yes.
Eddie.
Eddie?
Hey there, Cowboy.
Bad dream?
Jack.
Oh, yeah, a bad dream.
What was it?
Can't remember?
No, I never can.
Don't worry about it.
OK.
- Good morning.
- We've got to get out of here. - What's the matter with you?
- We've got to get out of here. - What's the rush?
We'll talk about it later.
Look, are you telling me what to do?
- God damn right, I am.
- Oh, Eddie.
I'm so tired of trying, aren't you?
Maybe, we could--
No more "maybes."
We've got to stop pretending and blaming each other.
I've blamed you for so long.
That's all right.
No, I was wrong, don't you see, it was me.
Look, maybe you and I were a mistake.
But that doesn't mean we belong here.
- I do.
- No, maybe I do.
But not you.
Oh.
Well, we seem to be porcupines all over the place, this morning.
- "Porcupines"?
- Eddie, did you...?
- Did you?
- Yep.
- Wow.
- The score remains, two to one.
- Congratulations. - As it happened, at the stroke of midnight,
I was too involved to file a report.
That's what I figured.
So, I helped myself.
Do you mind?
- You always find the "Escape Clause," Jack.
Where is he?
- With Betsy.
A bad case of "the morning after."
How was she?
Ready to put a down payment on the vine covered cottage.
How was he?
A very gifted amateur.
Do you want him?
- Not really.
Oh, it's just as well.
I doubt that he'd be interested, now that he's found himself.
In that case, I might be interested.
The turn-about?
- Why not? That should annihilate the day.
You don't suppose they'll want to stay the whole weekend, do you?
I doubt it. Church on Sunday, you know.
They'll get there early, this week.
In the meantime, however...
Yes, there is always "the meantime."
Always.
- Hey, is the, uh, "lady of the house" home?
I'm Jack, I live here.
Mike.
- "Mike."
Yeah, Elvira speaks very highly of you.
I've heard a lot about you, too, Jack.
-Mike.
- Well, you said to come back, any time.
- You remember Betsy. - Hi.
- And this is Eddie. - How are you?
- The husband. - Oh, hi.
- I'm going to get our things. - Hey, wai...
Excuse me.
- Give ya a minute.
Hell of a party, for so early in the morning.
Leftovers, strictly leftovers.
There are Bloody Marys on ice, Jack.
- Betsy, you can't change your whole life,
just because you got stoned one night.
Well, I'm leaving.
- Well, it seems to me,
that you could give it a little more of a chance.
- But then, I don't really care. - A little family squabble, eh?
Nothing serious. My husband's leaving.
Betsy, why don't you get Mike a cup of coffee?
No, thanks.
Oh, she pulled that one on you, huh?
- Do we have to go through that again?
Oh, we play all kinds of games around here
- I noticed.
Still got your Polaroid?
- Well, old buddy, what shall we do for starters?
Dump Bloody Marys all over each other?
Let's skip the preliminary festivities, and get to the games.
- What did you have in mind?
Well, I'll try anything once.
There's a first time for everything.
- Except, this isn't the first time, is it?
Well, I don't keep score.
You sure as hell know how to throw a good party.
Hey, Jack! Where the hell did you get those?
We haven't had any of those since Amsterdam.
- Hey, you better catch up. - Give her one of those, Mike.
In ten minutes shell be laughing her head off.
Should I, Elvira?
For old time's sake.
- Here we go.
Look at these little, cute panties.
- Bull's eye.
- Oh, sorry, Elvira.
Say, sweetheart, where did you go?
Don't be so standoffish.
I've got this German Shepherd at home, and you know what he calls this?
"People style."
I'm sorry,I'm such a hurriest
Hey, buddy.
Where do you work out?
Later, Jack, can't you see I'm busy?
- Hey,You can leave me.
Elvira, Elvira, remember what I said this morning?
Everything I said was true.
It doesn't really matter who you love,
just as long as you do.
- Your knee is in my...
Eddie, honey, where are you going?
I don't know.
Are you gonna go home?
I don't know where I'm going.
Well, why don't you go bowling?
- "Bowling"?
- Bowling.
Uh, where do you go?
About ten kilometers south of here.
I know that place, I go there, myself.
Oh, yeah?
We go there, all the time. Don't we, Eddie?
Eddie bought me a bowling ball for Christmas.
- Well, I've got one, too.
Oh, yeah? So have I.
You'll have to come over and see it, sometime.
- When?
Well, how about right now?
- Let's get this show on the road.
You can come over brunch, and you and Eddie can...
"Watch television."
- Yeah.
Son of a bitch.
We've imposed on your hospitality long enough.
How do you think we'll do in the Olympics?
- Hey, why don't we all get together one evening, next week,
and play "Bingo."
Well, Svengali darling, there goes Trilby.
Looking suspiciously like the Frankenstein monster.
- And so, like all fairy tales,
everyone had a happy ending.
At the stroke of midnight, Cinderella
turned into the Wicked Witch of the West.
And the Big Bad Wolf made friends with Prince Charming.
Fairy tales do, indeed, make strange bedfellows.
As for Mamma & Pappa Bear, they remained
bosom buddies, devoted chums, the best of friends,
husband and wife.
The perfect marriage.
Now, where were we?
There's the new Michael Powell film at the cinema.
- Let's have a cup of coffee here, after the movie.
- Good idea.
- In the meantime, what is the always the meantime,
fantasy reigns supreme, and all the people of Leisure,
in the lush little Land of Plenty,
lived happily, if loosely, ever after.