1
00:03:47,191 --> 00:03:52,788
"Here, of course, it is the same,
apparently, without rational explanation.
2
00:03:52,911 --> 00:03:57,268
"But it's quite easy, when you
come to think of it logically, in fact.
3
00:03:57,471 --> 00:04:01,430
"Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
4
00:04:01,551 --> 00:04:04,861
"ln fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
5
00:04:04,991 --> 00:04:06,424
"on the night in question
6
00:04:06,551 --> 00:04:09,827
"and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
7
00:04:09,951 --> 00:04:13,227
"disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
8
00:04:13,351 --> 00:04:17,629
"making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
9
00:04:17,751 --> 00:04:20,709
"From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
10
00:04:21,671 --> 00:04:23,627
"Knowing it was Burton's day off,
11
00:04:23,751 --> 00:04:26,629
"he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
12
00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:30,061
"and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
13
00:04:30,191 --> 00:04:32,751
"which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
14
00:04:32,871 --> 00:04:34,099
"by the scullery window.
15
00:04:34,231 --> 00:04:39,066
"Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
16
00:04:40,111 --> 00:04:43,706
"l was worried
about those metal shavings."
17
00:04:44,471 --> 00:04:49,226
"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
18
00:04:49,351 --> 00:04:55,267
"but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the lnspector, humbly,
19
00:04:55,391 --> 00:04:58,827
"l wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
20
00:04:58,951 --> 00:05:01,624
"to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
21
00:05:01,751 --> 00:05:06,029
"and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
22
00:05:06,151 --> 00:05:10,861
"Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled."
23
00:05:18,071 --> 00:05:23,270
St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
24
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:28,101
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
25
00:05:28,231 --> 00:05:31,746
Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
26
00:05:31,871 --> 00:05:34,385
from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
27
00:05:34,511 --> 00:05:37,708
''The police may be baffled, lnspector,''
he boomed,
28
00:05:37,831 --> 00:05:40,061
''but Merridew is not.''
29
00:05:40,191 --> 00:05:43,945
''Thirty years ago, the murderer,
Doctor Grayson,
30
00:05:44,071 --> 00:05:46,790
''was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
31
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:49,630
''dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
32
00:05:50,631 --> 00:05:53,191
''Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
33
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,666
''yet his old skill had not deserted him.
34
00:05:55,791 --> 00:05:57,907
''He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
35
00:05:58,031 --> 00:06:00,226
''walking on his points
36
00:06:00,351 --> 00:06:03,582
''along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
37
00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:07,545
''and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
38
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,787
''close to the base line,
where it was found,
39
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:13,426
''and then,
with a neatly executed fouetté,
40
00:06:13,551 --> 00:06:17,339
''he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
41
00:06:17,471 --> 00:06:19,905
''thus leaving no traces.
42
00:06:20,791 --> 00:06:24,670
''And that, lnspector,
is Merridew's solution.''
43
00:06:24,791 --> 00:06:25,985
Hello?
44
00:06:26,591 --> 00:06:28,024
Are you there?
45
00:06:28,551 --> 00:06:29,904
Mr Wyke?
46
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,310
Mr Wyke?
47
00:06:32,431 --> 00:06:34,342
-Who's there?
-lt's me, Milo Tindle.
48
00:06:34,471 --> 00:06:35,540
l think you're expecting me.
49
00:06:35,671 --> 00:06:38,344
Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
50
00:06:38,471 --> 00:06:42,259
Well, l have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
51
00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:46,704
Here we are.
52
00:06:52,031 --> 00:06:55,262
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
l designed it myself.
53
00:06:55,391 --> 00:06:58,588
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
54
00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:00,986
l must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
55
00:07:01,111 --> 00:07:04,547
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
l'm Andrew Wyke.
56
00:07:04,671 --> 00:07:07,231
-Welcome to Cloak Manor.
-Thank you.
57
00:07:07,351 --> 00:07:09,501
l found your note when l came down
from London this afternoon.
58
00:07:09,631 --> 00:07:11,986
Oh, good, yes.
l hoped you'd be here this weekend,
59
00:07:12,111 --> 00:07:15,308
so l pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
60
00:07:15,431 --> 00:07:17,661
Well, now, what will you have to drink?
61
00:07:17,951 --> 00:07:20,146
-Vodka and tonic, please.
-Of course.
62
00:07:20,271 --> 00:07:23,468
How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
63
00:07:23,591 --> 00:07:24,580
Very well, thank you.
64
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,781
Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
65
00:07:26,911 --> 00:07:28,822
Yes, that sort of thing.
66
00:07:29,671 --> 00:07:33,107
Vodka,
l don't seem to have any out here. ls...
67
00:07:33,231 --> 00:07:35,267
-Gin will do.
-Good.
68
00:07:35,431 --> 00:07:37,547
Yes, a charming little place,
Laundry Cottage.
69
00:07:37,711 --> 00:07:39,861
ldeal for relaxations of all kinds.
70
00:07:39,991 --> 00:07:42,710
Unfortunately,
l don't have time for them myself.
71
00:07:42,831 --> 00:07:44,059
As a matter of fact,
72
00:07:44,191 --> 00:07:47,183
l've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
73
00:07:47,311 --> 00:07:48,949
Death by Double-Fault.
74
00:07:49,071 --> 00:07:51,665
l must say it's gone extremely well.
75
00:07:51,791 --> 00:07:53,907
Now then, soda, soda, soda...
76
00:07:55,511 --> 00:07:56,500
Dear.
77
00:07:56,631 --> 00:07:59,429
l don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awful.
78
00:07:59,551 --> 00:08:01,428
-Here, shall we go indoors?
-Whatever you like.
79
00:08:01,551 --> 00:08:02,700
Good.
80
00:08:03,231 --> 00:08:06,507
Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
81
00:08:06,631 --> 00:08:09,668
is the normal recreation
of noble minds?
82
00:08:09,791 --> 00:08:12,544
l'm afraid l don't know
very much about noble minds.
83
00:08:12,671 --> 00:08:13,706
ls it supposed to be?
84
00:08:13,831 --> 00:08:17,710
l'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
85
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,391
The golden age
when every cabinet minister
86
00:08:20,511 --> 00:08:24,390
had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
87
00:08:24,511 --> 00:08:27,309
-Before your time, l expect.
-Somewhat. Let me carry that.
88
00:08:27,831 --> 00:08:29,981
Thank you so much. Very good of you.
89
00:08:30,111 --> 00:08:34,582
Yet, you know, even today,
l still set my works among the gentry
90
00:08:34,711 --> 00:08:37,384
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
91
00:08:37,511 --> 00:08:39,388
in spite of our classless society.
92
00:08:39,511 --> 00:08:41,706
l imagine they do a great deal
of your stuff on television.
93
00:08:42,471 --> 00:08:47,784
God forbid, l'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not ''stuff'.
94
00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:51,221
No,
television is not my line of country at all.
95
00:08:51,351 --> 00:08:54,787
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
96
00:08:54,911 --> 00:08:58,142
And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
97
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,422
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if l may so address you.
98
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:05,067
You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
99
00:09:05,191 --> 00:09:09,230
Of course we are, and you and l
do need to be friendly, do we not?
100
00:09:29,991 --> 00:09:32,664
How would you like your drink?
With ice?
101
00:09:34,751 --> 00:09:35,979
With ice?
102
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,384
Yes, please.
103
00:09:53,951 --> 00:09:55,509
What does he do?
104
00:10:00,111 --> 00:10:02,579
That's Jolly Jack Tar, the Jovial Sailor.
105
00:10:02,711 --> 00:10:05,225
He and l
have a really splendid relationship.
106
00:10:05,351 --> 00:10:07,990
l make the jokes and he laughs at them.
107
00:10:08,111 --> 00:10:11,820
Here, mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
108
00:10:12,671 --> 00:10:14,468
-He didn't laugh.
-No, he wasn't meant to.
109
00:10:14,631 --> 00:10:17,270
-l thought you were trying to be funny.
-No, you'll know it when l am.
110
00:10:17,391 --> 00:10:18,540
l see.
111
00:10:18,671 --> 00:10:20,104
-Cheers.
-Prost.
112
00:10:25,031 --> 00:10:27,545
-What's this?
-That is an intensely complicated
113
00:10:27,671 --> 00:10:30,265
4th Dynasty blocking game,
called Simera.
114
00:10:30,391 --> 00:10:33,064
l've been studying the thing for months,
but l'm still only a beginner.
115
00:10:33,191 --> 00:10:34,909
l wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
116
00:10:35,031 --> 00:10:36,623
lt's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
117
00:10:36,751 --> 00:10:40,380
That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
118
00:10:40,511 --> 00:10:44,140
Well, now,
l understand you want to marry my wife.
119
00:10:47,991 --> 00:10:49,424
Forgive me raising the matter,
120
00:10:49,551 --> 00:10:52,623
but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
121
00:10:52,751 --> 00:10:54,821
l thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
122
00:10:54,951 --> 00:10:56,907
to have a little chat.
123
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,225
l see.
124
00:10:58,671 --> 00:11:00,980
Well, is it true?
125
00:11:02,711 --> 00:11:06,226
-Yes, with your permission, of course.
-Why not?
126
00:11:06,351 --> 00:11:09,502
You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
127
00:11:09,631 --> 00:11:12,748
neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
128
00:11:12,871 --> 00:11:15,339
l'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
129
00:11:15,471 --> 00:11:18,463
about your background, parents,
and so forth.
130
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:23,350
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
131
00:11:23,471 --> 00:11:27,703
and my father is an ltalian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
132
00:11:27,831 --> 00:11:31,744
-ln the '30s? ls he Jewish?
-No, Catholic, very devout.
133
00:11:31,871 --> 00:11:33,304
Of course,
l'm not religious at all myself.
134
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:36,229
My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
135
00:11:36,351 --> 00:11:40,139
We're all liberals here.
l have no prejudice against Catholics.
136
00:11:40,271 --> 00:11:42,068
Not even the lapsed Catholics.
137
00:11:42,191 --> 00:11:46,628
ln fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
138
00:11:46,751 --> 00:11:49,265
Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
139
00:11:49,391 --> 00:11:51,859
No, his name was Tindolini,
140
00:11:51,991 --> 00:11:54,141
but if you had a name like that
in those days
141
00:11:54,271 --> 00:11:56,739
you had to ''make-a the ice-a cream-a''.
142
00:11:57,511 --> 00:12:00,230
He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
143
00:12:00,351 --> 00:12:03,229
-so he changed it.
-Become English?
144
00:12:05,071 --> 00:12:08,905
-Was he a successful man?
-No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
145
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:14,549
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
146
00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:17,902
He went broke in the end.
l always told him he would.
147
00:12:18,031 --> 00:12:21,341
That must make him
something of a burden to you.
148
00:12:21,511 --> 00:12:23,502
Yeah, it does a bit.
149
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,661
He never went back, you see.
150
00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:29,351
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
151
00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:31,780
And you, what do you do?
152
00:12:33,111 --> 00:12:34,590
Don't you know?
153
00:12:36,751 --> 00:12:39,709
l have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
154
00:12:39,831 --> 00:12:40,900
Casa Tindolini.
155
00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:42,749
You can use that word these days,
can you?
156
00:12:42,871 --> 00:12:44,862
People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
157
00:12:44,991 --> 00:12:48,666
No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continental touch.
158
00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:54,423
-English too wholesome for them, eh?
-Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
159
00:12:54,551 --> 00:12:58,339
We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
160
00:12:58,471 --> 00:13:00,223
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
161
00:13:00,351 --> 00:13:03,024
they're less sophisticated down there.
162
00:13:03,151 --> 00:13:05,790
l mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
163
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,310
Latin lovers?
164
00:13:09,751 --> 00:13:14,029
And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
165
00:13:14,151 --> 00:13:17,780
l lease a mews house nearby.
lt's convenient and attractive.
166
00:13:17,911 --> 00:13:19,583
lt's Georgian, actually.
167
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:22,271
From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
168
00:13:22,391 --> 00:13:23,540
Not bad.
169
00:13:23,671 --> 00:13:27,710
But l doubt whether an 18th century
architectural gem in South Kensington
170
00:13:27,831 --> 00:13:30,709
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
171
00:13:30,831 --> 00:13:33,709
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
172
00:13:33,831 --> 00:13:37,346
l understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
173
00:13:37,471 --> 00:13:39,348
l'm not mistaken, am l?
174
00:13:41,591 --> 00:13:43,786
And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
175
00:13:43,911 --> 00:13:46,744
was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
176
00:13:46,871 --> 00:13:49,180
ls that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
177
00:13:49,311 --> 00:13:51,700
Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
178
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:56,301
lf l choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
179
00:13:56,431 --> 00:13:59,309
and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
l shall.
180
00:13:59,431 --> 00:14:02,468
And l don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
181
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,422
-Thank you for the drink.
-Oh, now, now.
182
00:14:04,551 --> 00:14:06,030
l thought you were
brought up in England.
183
00:14:06,151 --> 00:14:08,381
Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
184
00:14:08,511 --> 00:14:10,741
You were being rude
about a woman l'm in love with.
185
00:14:10,871 --> 00:14:13,385
On the contrary,
l was reminiscing about my wife.
186
00:14:13,511 --> 00:14:16,071
-lt comes to the same thing.
-Things mostly do, you know.
187
00:14:16,191 --> 00:14:20,230
l'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
188
00:14:20,351 --> 00:14:21,750
and l will be being rhapsodic,
189
00:14:21,871 --> 00:14:24,305
and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
190
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:29,380
vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
191
00:14:31,551 --> 00:14:35,100
Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
192
00:14:41,231 --> 00:14:43,665
-Afford to?
-Support her in the style
193
00:14:43,791 --> 00:14:47,830
to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
194
00:14:47,951 --> 00:14:51,387
Well, l'm not a millionaire,
but l'm not starving either.
195
00:14:51,511 --> 00:14:53,547
The shop in London's doing all right,
196
00:14:53,671 --> 00:14:55,787
the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
197
00:14:55,911 --> 00:14:58,027
-By this time next year...
-This year, next year, sometime, never.
198
00:14:58,151 --> 00:15:01,541
What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
199
00:15:01,671 --> 00:15:04,469
-We'll survive.
-Survival is scarcely the point.
200
00:15:04,591 --> 00:15:06,263
Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
201
00:15:06,391 --> 00:15:09,303
you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
202
00:15:09,431 --> 00:15:11,467
Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
203
00:15:11,591 --> 00:15:15,106
Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
204
00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:17,142
and only one mistress, l'm afraid.
205
00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:19,910
Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
206
00:15:20,111 --> 00:15:21,908
You know about Tea, do you?
207
00:15:22,031 --> 00:15:24,022
Marguerite and l have no secrets
from each other.
208
00:15:24,151 --> 00:15:26,142
Not even mine, it seems.
209
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,867
Tea is a Grelian goddess.
210
00:15:29,231 --> 00:15:30,744
Her golden hair smells of pine
211
00:15:30,871 --> 00:15:35,387
and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
212
00:15:36,111 --> 00:15:37,829
l hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
213
00:15:37,951 --> 00:15:40,260
with all the sex appeal
of a second-hand jeep.
214
00:15:40,391 --> 00:15:42,268
Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
215
00:15:42,391 --> 00:15:44,825
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
216
00:15:44,951 --> 00:15:47,226
Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
217
00:15:47,351 --> 00:15:51,390
lt's a good thing l am pretty much
of an Olympic sexual athlete.
218
00:15:51,511 --> 00:15:55,709
Yes, l suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
219
00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,628
than on the long distance stuff.
220
00:15:57,751 --> 00:16:00,788
Not so, dear boy,
l'm in the pink of condition.
221
00:16:00,911 --> 00:16:03,903
l could copulate for England
at any distance.
222
00:16:04,711 --> 00:16:05,985
Red.
223
00:16:07,071 --> 00:16:09,062
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
224
00:16:09,191 --> 00:16:12,900
''lt's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts.''
225
00:16:13,191 --> 00:16:14,260
Are you going to marry her?
226
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,064
Oh, no, no, no.
l just want to live with her.
227
00:16:17,191 --> 00:16:18,385
So, what's stopping you?
228
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:21,548
Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
229
00:16:21,671 --> 00:16:23,946
whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
230
00:16:24,071 --> 00:16:25,868
Now, now, don't be so innocent.
231
00:16:25,991 --> 00:16:27,947
Those nicotine stained
private detectives
232
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:31,268
have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
233
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:32,904
lt was an insurance policy
234
00:16:33,031 --> 00:16:35,829
to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
235
00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:37,942
How did you know
l wasn't having you watched?
236
00:16:38,071 --> 00:16:40,824
Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
237
00:16:40,951 --> 00:16:44,580
-Or didn't you think that was possible?
-Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
238
00:16:44,711 --> 00:16:46,349
Of course l knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
239
00:16:46,471 --> 00:16:48,223
rutting away like crazed weasels,
240
00:16:48,351 --> 00:16:50,945
but why should l pay good money
to have something confirmed
241
00:16:51,071 --> 00:16:53,107
which l'd known for months?
242
00:16:53,431 --> 00:16:54,625
Black.
243
00:16:54,751 --> 00:16:57,424
And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
244
00:16:57,551 --> 00:16:58,745
Of course, l had to assure myself
245
00:16:58,871 --> 00:17:01,339
that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
246
00:17:01,471 --> 00:17:04,269
You see,
l want to lose the dear girl for life.
247
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:09,909
Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
248
00:17:13,231 --> 00:17:15,620
-Good shot.
-Yes, it was. Yellow.
249
00:17:15,751 --> 00:17:17,150
You see,
you don't know her as well as l do.
250
00:17:17,271 --> 00:17:18,829
You think you do, but you don't.
251
00:17:18,951 --> 00:17:22,307
lf you fail her, by which l mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
252
00:17:22,431 --> 00:17:24,740
or short-changing her on winter
in Jamaica,
253
00:17:24,871 --> 00:17:28,022
she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
254
00:17:28,151 --> 00:17:31,985
And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
255
00:17:32,871 --> 00:17:35,101
-Green.
-Money isn't everything.
256
00:17:35,231 --> 00:17:38,223
And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
257
00:17:38,351 --> 00:17:42,549
lt's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
258
00:17:44,671 --> 00:17:46,980
Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
259
00:17:47,111 --> 00:17:49,784
Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
260
00:17:49,911 --> 00:17:52,630
in these last idyllic three months?
261
00:17:53,151 --> 00:17:54,140
Blue.
262
00:17:54,271 --> 00:17:56,307
When, for instance,
did she last turn down
263
00:17:56,431 --> 00:18:00,060
a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
264
00:18:00,191 --> 00:18:03,149
the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
265
00:18:03,271 --> 00:18:04,499
Black.
266
00:18:07,231 --> 00:18:08,630
No, l'm not joking.
267
00:18:08,751 --> 00:18:11,868
How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
268
00:18:14,071 --> 00:18:18,462
And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
269
00:18:19,111 --> 00:18:23,662
We have talked about money.
Often, l've told her we spend too much.
270
00:18:23,791 --> 00:18:25,509
She takes no notice?
271
00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:27,020
None.
272
00:18:27,631 --> 00:18:31,180
A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
273
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,108
Something like that.
274
00:18:33,671 --> 00:18:36,743
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that l've invited you around here tonight
275
00:18:36,871 --> 00:18:41,228
and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
276
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,145
What plot?
277
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,903
Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
278
00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:56,819
-l was waiting for you to miss.
-Foolish boy.
279
00:18:58,631 --> 00:19:00,906
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
280
00:19:01,031 --> 00:19:04,990
there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
281
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:06,863
who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
282
00:19:06,991 --> 00:19:11,701
was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid total emasculation
283
00:19:11,831 --> 00:19:14,868
his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
284
00:19:14,991 --> 00:19:19,906
some £250,000, into jewellery.
285
00:19:20,511 --> 00:19:22,263
His wife, of course, was delighted.
286
00:19:22,391 --> 00:19:24,859
Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
287
00:19:24,991 --> 00:19:28,267
Nor did l, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
288
00:19:28,391 --> 00:19:30,780
We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
289
00:19:30,911 --> 00:19:34,301
than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
290
00:19:35,191 --> 00:19:37,944
l see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
291
00:19:38,071 --> 00:19:39,299
l'm glad you follow me so readily.
292
00:19:39,431 --> 00:19:42,309
You see,
l want you to steal that jewellery.
293
00:19:49,791 --> 00:19:53,386
Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
294
00:19:53,511 --> 00:19:54,580
What about the servants?
295
00:19:54,711 --> 00:19:58,829
l've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
296
00:19:58,951 --> 00:20:03,183
They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
297
00:20:08,391 --> 00:20:09,619
Cheers.
298
00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:13,222
Well, what do you say?
299
00:20:13,351 --> 00:20:16,388
-lt sounds distinctly criminal.
-Well, of course it's criminal.
300
00:20:16,511 --> 00:20:19,583
All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
301
00:20:19,711 --> 00:20:21,986
Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
302
00:20:22,111 --> 00:20:26,582
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
303
00:20:26,711 --> 00:20:29,509
Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
304
00:20:49,511 --> 00:20:55,859
A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 1 7... No, 18 years ago.
305
00:20:56,671 --> 00:20:58,741
l don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
306
00:20:58,871 --> 00:21:00,827
l've seen that in too many movies.
307
00:21:00,951 --> 00:21:05,467
Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
308
00:22:04,551 --> 00:22:08,669
There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, l suppose.
309
00:22:08,791 --> 00:22:12,909
-But whatever made you think?
-You and your games.
310
00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:15,591
That is the only game in this room.
311
00:22:17,351 --> 00:22:20,070
Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
312
00:22:20,191 --> 00:22:22,102
All you have to do is steal them,
sell them abroad,
313
00:22:22,231 --> 00:22:24,301
and live happily ever after
with Marguerite.
314
00:22:24,431 --> 00:22:27,946
All l have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
315
00:22:28,071 --> 00:22:30,460
ls that what you asked me over to hear?
316
00:22:30,591 --> 00:22:34,584
A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
317
00:22:34,711 --> 00:22:36,542
l'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
318
00:22:36,671 --> 00:22:39,310
Personally, l thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
319
00:22:39,431 --> 00:22:42,070
Look,
supposing l do as you say and nick...
320
00:22:42,191 --> 00:22:44,944
Steal the jewels.
lf l sell them under my own name,
321
00:22:45,071 --> 00:22:47,869
l'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
322
00:22:47,991 --> 00:22:51,028
lf l sell them to a fence,
always presuming l could find one,
323
00:22:51,151 --> 00:22:53,824
he'd carve me up,
l'd get a fraction of their value.
324
00:22:53,951 --> 00:22:56,670
-Not with the fences l know.
-What fences would you know?
325
00:22:56,791 --> 00:22:59,624
The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigal.
326
00:22:59,751 --> 00:23:01,628
l first met them when l was researching
327
00:23:01,751 --> 00:23:04,106
for The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
328
00:23:04,231 --> 00:23:06,142
Surely you've read it.
329
00:23:06,711 --> 00:23:08,747
Pity. lt was an absolute corker.
330
00:23:08,871 --> 00:23:11,863
ln any case, on your behalf,
331
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:15,142
l have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
332
00:23:15,271 --> 00:23:16,306
He'll treat you very well.
333
00:23:16,431 --> 00:23:18,626
You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
334
00:23:18,751 --> 00:23:25,350
but you'll get about two-thirds,
say, £1 70,000.
335
00:23:25,471 --> 00:23:27,382
You'll get it in cash.
336
00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:30,903
-A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
-Cash.
337
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,663
Why should this fellow pay so much?
338
00:23:34,791 --> 00:23:37,430
Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
339
00:23:37,551 --> 00:23:39,382
title to the jewels.
340
00:23:39,511 --> 00:23:42,105
You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
341
00:23:42,231 --> 00:23:46,782
you have also to take the receipts
l got for them.
342
00:23:47,671 --> 00:23:50,424
Now, what does
my insurance company discover
343
00:23:50,551 --> 00:23:55,306
as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
344
00:23:55,431 --> 00:23:58,548
lt discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
345
00:23:58,671 --> 00:24:05,588
sold the jewels for £1 70,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
346
00:24:06,391 --> 00:24:08,029
Hard cheese!
347
00:24:08,871 --> 00:24:11,066
Think it over. Take your time.
348
00:24:24,591 --> 00:24:29,904
Look, l know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
349
00:24:30,031 --> 00:24:34,343
l mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
350
00:24:35,231 --> 00:24:37,825
St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
351
00:24:37,951 --> 00:24:40,146
if l didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
352
00:24:40,271 --> 00:24:41,829
St John Lord who?
353
00:24:44,431 --> 00:24:46,706
-You're joking.
-What about?
354
00:24:47,871 --> 00:24:50,066
Who is St John Lord Merridew?
355
00:24:50,191 --> 00:24:51,988
Why, even Marguerite,
when l first met her,
356
00:24:52,111 --> 00:24:53,703
knew and adored him.
357
00:24:53,831 --> 00:24:57,710
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
358
00:24:57,831 --> 00:25:02,109
With a nose for smelling out evil
superior to anything on the force.
359
00:25:02,231 --> 00:25:03,664
Oh, yes.
360
00:25:03,791 --> 00:25:07,500
The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
361
00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:09,110
They never solve anything.
362
00:25:09,231 --> 00:25:12,860
lt's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
363
00:25:12,991 --> 00:25:17,348
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is real.
364
00:25:17,471 --> 00:25:19,621
l'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
365
00:25:19,751 --> 00:25:23,630
but l'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
366
00:25:24,111 --> 00:25:26,545
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
367
00:25:26,671 --> 00:25:28,866
l'm not sure that l do.
368
00:25:28,991 --> 00:25:31,789
That's why it's a very difficult decision
to make.
369
00:25:31,911 --> 00:25:33,583
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
370
00:25:33,711 --> 00:25:36,179
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
371
00:25:36,311 --> 00:25:38,108
Yeah, but why don't you
steal the bloody jewels
372
00:25:38,231 --> 00:25:39,584
and simply hand them over to me?
373
00:25:39,711 --> 00:25:43,420
l should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look real.
374
00:25:43,551 --> 00:25:45,781
This house has actually
to be broken into.
375
00:25:45,911 --> 00:25:48,345
Then why don't you break into it?
376
00:25:48,471 --> 00:25:50,826
lt's a question of agility for one thing,
dear boy.
377
00:25:50,951 --> 00:25:53,465
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
378
00:25:53,591 --> 00:25:55,422
Let me handle this,
you know what l mean?
379
00:25:55,551 --> 00:26:00,261
Crime is my bag. l got this caper
all worked out to the last detail.
380
00:26:02,671 --> 00:26:06,903
£1 70,000.
381
00:26:08,711 --> 00:26:12,420
Cash, tax free.
382
00:26:13,871 --> 00:26:17,068
lt'd take an awful lot
of Tindolini's tonsorial teasing
383
00:26:17,191 --> 00:26:19,341
to raise that kind of money.
384
00:26:20,031 --> 00:26:22,306
All right, l'll do it.
385
00:26:22,431 --> 00:26:25,309
-Where do you want me to break in?
-Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
386
00:26:25,431 --> 00:26:29,185
-You've got to get disguised first.
-What for?
387
00:26:29,311 --> 00:26:32,383
Well, suppose somebody saw you
climbing in?
388
00:26:32,511 --> 00:26:34,706
Here? ln the middle of nowhere?
389
00:26:34,831 --> 00:26:36,901
l could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
390
00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:39,340
You never know.
391
00:26:39,831 --> 00:26:42,982
A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
392
00:26:43,111 --> 00:26:45,420
Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
393
00:26:45,551 --> 00:26:47,507
for the police
and the insurance company.
394
00:26:47,631 --> 00:26:50,543
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
395
00:26:50,671 --> 00:26:52,627
or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
396
00:26:52,751 --> 00:26:55,629
No, no, no! You must be disguised!
397
00:26:55,751 --> 00:26:57,343
All right, how?
398
00:26:59,191 --> 00:27:01,830
Please to follow me, number one son.
399
00:27:05,391 --> 00:27:07,222
You know, my dear Milo,
400
00:27:07,351 --> 00:27:10,343
in the good old days, before television,
that is,
401
00:27:10,471 --> 00:27:13,463
people constructed the pleasures of life
for themselves.
402
00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:15,661
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
403
00:27:15,791 --> 00:27:19,340
They didn't just sit and stare.
404
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:21,826
Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
405
00:27:21,951 --> 00:27:25,102
without its treasure hunts, charades,
406
00:27:25,231 --> 00:27:29,065
games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
407
00:27:29,191 --> 00:27:32,900
There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
408
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:34,669
but surely Marguerite has told you.
409
00:27:34,791 --> 00:27:37,146
Actually, she never mentioned it.
410
00:27:39,511 --> 00:27:41,467
lt was all some time ago.
411
00:27:42,311 --> 00:27:46,987
A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
412
00:27:47,111 --> 00:27:49,671
The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
413
00:27:49,791 --> 00:27:54,103
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
414
00:27:55,351 --> 00:27:57,865
And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
415
00:27:57,991 --> 00:28:01,666
Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
416
00:28:01,791 --> 00:28:03,429
Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
417
00:28:03,551 --> 00:28:07,066
Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
418
00:28:07,191 --> 00:28:11,070
our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
419
00:28:11,511 --> 00:28:16,380
This should suit. ltem, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
420
00:28:16,511 --> 00:28:19,105
a striped jersey
and a bag marked ''swag''.
421
00:28:19,951 --> 00:28:22,385
Why not a neon sign
with ''burglar'' on it?
422
00:28:22,591 --> 00:28:24,343
You may have a point.
423
00:28:25,271 --> 00:28:28,980
One of my favourites,
the ecclesiastical house breaker,
424
00:28:29,111 --> 00:28:31,102
Brother Lightfingers.
425
00:28:31,231 --> 00:28:33,791
Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
426
00:28:33,911 --> 00:28:35,629
seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
427
00:28:35,751 --> 00:28:36,945
on the night of the terrible murder.
428
00:28:37,071 --> 00:28:40,188
lf living identity had happened.
429
00:28:40,311 --> 00:28:43,144
There are those to this day
who claim to hear
430
00:28:43,271 --> 00:28:47,264
the agonised screams of the victim
431
00:28:47,391 --> 00:28:50,542
echoing through the chimney pots!
432
00:28:50,671 --> 00:28:54,061
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
433
00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:57,820
Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
434
00:28:57,951 --> 00:28:59,703
and a sock l can pull over my head?
435
00:28:59,831 --> 00:29:04,780
Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
436
00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:07,903
We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
437
00:29:08,031 --> 00:29:10,784
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
438
00:29:10,911 --> 00:29:13,505
Don't you feel the need
to give your old arch enemy,
439
00:29:13,631 --> 00:29:16,782
lnspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
440
00:29:18,511 --> 00:29:22,709
Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
441
00:29:22,831 --> 00:29:26,221
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
442
00:29:28,311 --> 00:29:30,745
and all the snuff you could want.
443
00:29:33,111 --> 00:29:34,988
Groovy!
444
00:29:35,111 --> 00:29:38,547
Look,
l might even do the whole thing in drag.
445
00:29:42,031 --> 00:29:44,499
Kiss me, you fool.
446
00:29:45,511 --> 00:29:47,945
l can fight it no longer, darling.
447
00:29:48,511 --> 00:29:52,265
lf you must go, don't look back,
Andrew...
448
00:29:53,511 --> 00:29:55,388
Jesus Christ! Who's that?
449
00:29:55,511 --> 00:29:58,389
So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girl.
450
00:29:58,511 --> 00:30:01,389
-Shall we decide on the dress, then?
-No, l don't like it.
451
00:30:01,911 --> 00:30:04,345
Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
452
00:30:04,471 --> 00:30:06,427
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deal left.
453
00:30:06,551 --> 00:30:09,111
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
454
00:30:10,471 --> 00:30:14,669
Joey. Now you're talking.
455
00:30:14,791 --> 00:30:16,019
A clown!
456
00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:17,710
Can't you see it all?
457
00:30:17,831 --> 00:30:21,870
The sawdust ring, the tinsel, the glitter,
the lights!
458
00:30:21,991 --> 00:30:24,141
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
459
00:30:24,271 --> 00:30:27,024
There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
460
00:30:27,151 --> 00:30:30,188
-Now, this is all right.
-Off with your jacket!
461
00:30:31,271 --> 00:30:32,590
That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
462
00:30:32,711 --> 00:30:33,700
What for?
463
00:30:33,831 --> 00:30:36,629
We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautiful frock.
464
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:39,311
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
465
00:30:39,431 --> 00:30:41,069
We won't take any risks, you and l.
466
00:30:41,191 --> 00:30:44,501
That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
467
00:30:46,671 --> 00:30:49,947
l know a well brought up boy
when l see one.
468
00:30:50,071 --> 00:30:51,982
Folds his trousers at night, huh?
469
00:31:06,871 --> 00:31:11,547
Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
l've always wanted a pair of these?
470
00:31:11,671 --> 00:31:12,660
Yes, my boy.
471
00:31:12,791 --> 00:31:14,702
My father took me to the palladium
when l was a kid.
472
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:16,583
l might have caught on
in show business, you know?
473
00:31:16,711 --> 00:31:19,020
You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
474
00:31:19,151 --> 00:31:22,427
They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
475
00:31:25,791 --> 00:31:28,863
You know, l guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
476
00:31:28,991 --> 00:31:31,630
-Talking of gain, are we ready?
-Yes!
477
00:31:31,751 --> 00:31:34,982
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
478
00:31:35,111 --> 00:31:37,022
The grand parade.
479
00:31:47,791 --> 00:31:49,941
Make way for Tindolini!
480
00:31:51,111 --> 00:31:55,582
The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
481
00:31:56,711 --> 00:31:58,588
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
482
00:31:58,711 --> 00:32:03,580
in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
483
00:32:07,671 --> 00:32:11,380
-He thinks l'm funny.
-You are funny. Turn it off!
484
00:32:13,911 --> 00:32:17,108
Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
485
00:32:17,231 --> 00:32:19,870
one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
486
00:32:19,991 --> 00:32:21,470
so it doesn't clatter to the ground
487
00:32:21,591 --> 00:32:23,343
and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
488
00:32:23,471 --> 00:32:26,668
you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
489
00:32:26,791 --> 00:32:29,180
-Stethoscope?
-Safe breakers for the use of.
490
00:32:29,311 --> 00:32:33,304
The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
491
00:32:33,431 --> 00:32:35,706
you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
492
00:32:35,831 --> 00:32:38,789
-Dynamite? What for?
-Safes for the blowing open of.
493
00:32:38,911 --> 00:32:41,709
But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
494
00:32:41,831 --> 00:32:45,904
Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
495
00:32:46,031 --> 00:32:48,022
Why not take a full page ad
in The Times
496
00:32:48,151 --> 00:32:50,142
and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
497
00:32:50,271 --> 00:32:51,260
Pom-poms.
498
00:32:51,391 --> 00:32:53,268
Well, l was only trying to lighten
lnspector Plodder's day
499
00:32:53,391 --> 00:32:54,380
for him, but if you don't like it...
500
00:32:54,511 --> 00:32:56,581
There is no such animal
as lnspector Plodder
501
00:32:56,711 --> 00:32:58,781
outside your detective stories.
502
00:32:58,911 --> 00:33:00,583
lt'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
503
00:33:00,711 --> 00:33:03,100
who knows his job
down to the last detail!
504
00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:05,187
You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
505
00:33:05,311 --> 00:33:08,383
And l can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
506
00:33:08,511 --> 00:33:12,823
But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
507
00:33:12,951 --> 00:33:16,830
''Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?''
508
00:33:16,951 --> 00:33:19,511
Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
509
00:33:20,071 --> 00:33:24,144
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professional
510
00:33:24,271 --> 00:33:26,739
realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
511
00:33:26,871 --> 00:33:29,510
decided to disguise his own.
512
00:33:29,631 --> 00:33:31,986
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
513
00:33:32,111 --> 00:33:34,830
Glass cutter, putty and...
514
00:33:34,951 --> 00:33:37,385
-Yes, yes, yes... l've got everything.
-And the stethoscope?
515
00:33:37,511 --> 00:33:43,984
Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
516
00:33:44,191 --> 00:33:45,146
Thank you.
517
00:33:47,351 --> 00:33:48,943
Very clever!
518
00:33:49,311 --> 00:33:52,508
Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
519
00:33:56,591 --> 00:33:59,264
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
520
00:33:59,391 --> 00:34:01,859
ln the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
521
00:34:01,991 --> 00:34:05,188
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
522
00:34:05,311 --> 00:34:06,824
so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
523
00:34:06,951 --> 00:34:08,270
Understanding?
524
00:34:10,311 --> 00:34:11,903
-Upper landing?
-Yeah.
525
00:34:12,031 --> 00:34:14,943
l suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
526
00:34:15,071 --> 00:34:18,188
Certainly not. l don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
527
00:34:18,311 --> 00:34:20,700
-l'm not very good at heights.
-Well, don't look down.
528
00:34:20,831 --> 00:34:24,301
Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
529
00:34:24,431 --> 00:34:27,707
1 70,000 of them in cash, tax free.
530
00:34:27,831 --> 00:34:29,469
Good luck, Milo.
531
00:34:34,191 --> 00:34:36,182
Don't forget your gloves.
532
00:34:36,511 --> 00:34:38,183
What a way to make a living.
533
00:36:34,911 --> 00:36:36,742
Did you hear a noise, puss?
534
00:36:38,071 --> 00:36:40,539
And was that a footstep in the garden?
535
00:36:40,671 --> 00:36:44,744
No, no. l must be mistaken.
There it is again.
536
00:37:06,951 --> 00:37:08,225
What's that?
537
00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:12,105
Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. l'm certain of it.
538
00:37:46,831 --> 00:37:50,107
Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
539
00:37:50,231 --> 00:37:53,428
Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
540
00:37:53,551 --> 00:37:56,861
The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
541
00:37:57,271 --> 00:38:02,140
Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
542
00:38:08,431 --> 00:38:11,389
For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
543
00:38:11,511 --> 00:38:14,105
The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
544
00:38:14,231 --> 00:38:15,664
and l fell down the bloody ladder!
545
00:38:15,791 --> 00:38:18,544
Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
546
00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:19,820
l'm sorry!
547
00:39:07,631 --> 00:39:10,225
Somehow, l thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
548
00:39:16,111 --> 00:39:19,069
-Now for the jewels.
-Not straight away.
549
00:39:19,191 --> 00:39:20,988
You're not supposed to know
where they are.
550
00:39:21,111 --> 00:39:25,070
You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
551
00:39:25,191 --> 00:39:28,979
lf you'll be good enough to follow me
Miss Rebecca...
552
00:39:39,671 --> 00:39:41,309
A turnstile to the bedrooms?
553
00:39:41,431 --> 00:39:44,901
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
554
00:39:51,511 --> 00:39:55,550
The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
555
00:39:55,671 --> 00:39:59,061
-The mistress or her bedroom?
-lt's irrelevant.
556
00:39:59,791 --> 00:40:03,545
Now, Milo, where to begin?
557
00:40:03,871 --> 00:40:08,899
The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
558
00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:11,306
Take them out, vandalise them.
559
00:40:11,991 --> 00:40:15,586
Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
560
00:40:15,711 --> 00:40:18,145
Don't pat them, ravage them.
561
00:40:18,391 --> 00:40:19,949
Come on, Milo.
562
00:40:21,791 --> 00:40:24,908
Excellent. Now, tear that.
563
00:40:25,151 --> 00:40:26,584
That's better.
564
00:40:26,711 --> 00:40:28,588
Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
565
00:40:28,711 --> 00:40:31,066
of her skilled accomplishments?
566
00:40:31,191 --> 00:40:35,389
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
sapphires interleaved
567
00:40:35,511 --> 00:40:38,583
among her lace-edged underclothes,
568
00:40:38,711 --> 00:40:41,669
stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
569
00:40:41,791 --> 00:40:45,625
sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
570
00:40:45,751 --> 00:40:48,470
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
571
00:40:48,591 --> 00:40:53,904
or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
572
00:40:54,711 --> 00:40:57,509
What better safe deposit for deceit?
573
00:40:57,631 --> 00:41:00,748
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
574
00:41:00,871 --> 00:41:05,706
The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
575
00:41:05,831 --> 00:41:08,425
l thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
576
00:41:08,551 --> 00:41:11,270
So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, l was.
577
00:41:11,391 --> 00:41:14,110
Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
578
00:41:15,311 --> 00:41:17,188
-Why me?
-l'm afraid if l broke it
579
00:41:17,311 --> 00:41:19,984
l'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
580
00:41:22,151 --> 00:41:23,504
Thank you.
581
00:41:29,551 --> 00:41:31,667
-Now, where's your bedroom?
-My...
582
00:41:31,791 --> 00:41:35,022
-lt's my turn to demonstrate.
-My dear Milo,
583
00:41:35,151 --> 00:41:37,745
having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personal possessions...
584
00:41:37,871 --> 00:41:38,940
lt'd be a bit suspicious,
585
00:41:39,071 --> 00:41:41,027
a professional burglar
playing favourites.
586
00:41:41,151 --> 00:41:43,585
No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
587
00:41:43,711 --> 00:41:45,941
would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
588
00:41:46,071 --> 00:41:48,221
-Which is where?
-The inevitable safe.
589
00:41:48,351 --> 00:41:51,263
Just blow it open and steal what's in it.
590
00:41:51,391 --> 00:41:52,870
Come on, Milo.
591
00:41:54,311 --> 00:41:55,346
Right.
592
00:42:03,431 --> 00:42:06,503
-What kind of charge you got here?
-Enough for the job.
593
00:42:06,631 --> 00:42:09,782
l learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
594
00:42:09,911 --> 00:42:12,744
Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
595
00:42:16,431 --> 00:42:17,431
Five, a four,
596
00:42:17,431 --> 00:42:18,750
Five, a four,
597
00:42:18,871 --> 00:42:19,906
a three,
598
00:42:20,031 --> 00:42:21,100
a two,
599
00:42:21,231 --> 00:42:22,505
a one,
600
00:42:22,631 --> 00:42:23,700
a blast off.
601
00:42:54,431 --> 00:42:56,661
l've got it. l've got it.
602
00:43:02,071 --> 00:43:04,904
What are you shaking it for?
lt's a jewel box, not a maraca.
603
00:43:05,031 --> 00:43:07,340
l thought it might have a secret catch.
lt's locked, you see?
604
00:43:07,471 --> 00:43:08,460
Well, smash it open.
605
00:43:08,591 --> 00:43:12,266
Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
606
00:43:12,391 --> 00:43:15,189
lt's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
607
00:43:26,191 --> 00:43:30,423
-Dear God.
-Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
608
00:43:35,871 --> 00:43:37,589
They're fantastic.
609
00:43:48,231 --> 00:43:51,428
-Look at this ruby necklace.
-Never much cared for it myself.
610
00:43:51,551 --> 00:43:55,226
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
611
00:43:55,351 --> 00:44:00,220
l wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
612
00:44:00,351 --> 00:44:04,981
Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
613
00:44:05,111 --> 00:44:08,581
Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
614
00:44:09,431 --> 00:44:13,629
To give me an education at
a second-rate public school.
615
00:44:15,391 --> 00:44:17,905
l suppose he thought he had to.
616
00:44:18,031 --> 00:44:20,340
That he owed it to me
617
00:44:20,471 --> 00:44:23,349
and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
618
00:44:26,271 --> 00:44:27,590
Silly old bugger.
619
00:44:27,711 --> 00:44:32,148
Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
620
00:44:32,791 --> 00:44:34,622
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
621
00:44:34,751 --> 00:44:36,548
is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
622
00:44:36,671 --> 00:44:38,024
Do you mind?
623
00:44:43,591 --> 00:44:46,185
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
624
00:44:46,311 --> 00:44:48,745
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
625
00:44:48,871 --> 00:44:51,704
surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
626
00:44:51,831 --> 00:44:53,822
the house is sacked.
627
00:44:53,951 --> 00:44:56,863
Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
628
00:44:56,991 --> 00:44:59,141
Because, if l've seen
you at close quarters,
629
00:44:59,271 --> 00:45:02,581
l can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
630
00:45:03,631 --> 00:45:06,099
''Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?''
631
00:45:06,231 --> 00:45:09,701
''Yes, lnspector, l did.
l don't know if it was a trick of the light,
632
00:45:09,831 --> 00:45:12,789
''but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human...''
633
00:45:12,911 --> 00:45:14,549
How much sacking do you want done?
634
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:16,901
A decent bit, l think.
A few chairs upturned,
635
00:45:17,031 --> 00:45:18,464
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
636
00:45:18,591 --> 00:45:21,344
You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
637
00:45:31,151 --> 00:45:33,460
You surely don't call that convincing.
638
00:45:33,591 --> 00:45:34,990
Milo.
639
00:45:42,751 --> 00:45:46,539
Let the literature fly to the four winds,
640
00:45:46,671 --> 00:45:52,223
let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
641
00:46:10,791 --> 00:46:13,066
Hey, that's my new manuscript!
642
00:46:19,191 --> 00:46:21,546
Let my secretary sort it out.
643
00:46:32,991 --> 00:46:35,266
-Enough?
-For a starter.
644
00:46:35,391 --> 00:46:40,704
Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
645
00:46:40,831 --> 00:46:44,267
-What seconds? What for?
-The ensuing fight, remember?
646
00:46:46,911 --> 00:46:49,061
-Hey!
-Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
647
00:46:49,191 --> 00:46:52,900
You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
648
00:46:54,711 --> 00:46:56,508
-You've asked for this.
-Don't let me out.
649
00:46:56,631 --> 00:46:58,030
My wife's gonna have a baby.
650
00:46:58,151 --> 00:46:59,903
Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
651
00:47:00,031 --> 00:47:02,625
This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where l take a dive,
652
00:47:02,751 --> 00:47:05,060
and you knock me out cold!
653
00:47:06,071 --> 00:47:07,629
-For real?
-Naturally.
654
00:47:07,751 --> 00:47:10,470
When the police come,
l'll have to show them a real lump.
655
00:47:10,591 --> 00:47:12,627
Yes, l thought you'd like this bit.
656
00:47:12,751 --> 00:47:14,628
You're dead right.
657
00:47:14,751 --> 00:47:17,185
Now, what shall l use?
658
00:47:17,311 --> 00:47:19,825
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
659
00:47:21,871 --> 00:47:26,069
There it is.
The original blunt instrument.
660
00:47:26,191 --> 00:47:27,988
The poker.
661
00:47:28,111 --> 00:47:29,942
-Right. Now, where do you want it?
-Now steady.
662
00:47:30,071 --> 00:47:31,140
Now, don't get carried away.
663
00:47:31,271 --> 00:47:33,387
lt's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
664
00:47:33,511 --> 00:47:34,500
-No?
-No.
665
00:47:34,631 --> 00:47:36,303
We're discussing an object
from which l receive,
666
00:47:36,431 --> 00:47:38,342
in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
667
00:47:38,471 --> 00:47:41,508
which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
668
00:47:41,631 --> 00:47:43,622
Why don't l just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
669
00:47:43,751 --> 00:47:45,628
with the poker, until a lump comes up?
670
00:47:45,751 --> 00:47:47,150
Quite frankly, l've rather
gone off the whole thing.
671
00:47:47,271 --> 00:47:50,024
Now, l know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
672
00:47:50,151 --> 00:47:51,584
to be found by the cleaning woman.
673
00:47:51,711 --> 00:47:53,349
''Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
674
00:47:53,471 --> 00:47:57,384
''Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
675
00:48:01,311 --> 00:48:03,381
''God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
676
00:48:03,511 --> 00:48:05,706
''for one of them creepy new books
of yours.
677
00:48:05,831 --> 00:48:08,789
''l know, now don't you mind me.
l won't disturb thee.
678
00:48:08,911 --> 00:48:11,345
''l'll just be getting on with me dusting.''
679
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:16,465
Andrew, if l don't knock you out,
how have l tied you up?
680
00:48:16,591 --> 00:48:18,183
That's a very good question.
681
00:48:18,311 --> 00:48:20,711
Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
682
00:48:20,911 --> 00:48:24,142
We professional burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
683
00:48:24,351 --> 00:48:25,830
We are English, after all.
684
00:48:26,031 --> 00:48:28,829
You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
685
00:48:28,951 --> 00:48:32,421
Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
686
00:48:32,551 --> 00:48:34,223
during the struggle.
687
00:48:34,471 --> 00:48:35,790
-ls that loaded?
-Well, of course.
688
00:48:35,911 --> 00:48:36,946
What would be the use of it, otherwise?
689
00:48:37,071 --> 00:48:40,108
And l think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
690
00:48:40,231 --> 00:48:42,984
blowing to smithereens
the usual priceless heirlooms.
691
00:48:43,191 --> 00:48:45,500
-Why?
-To lend credence to my story
692
00:48:45,631 --> 00:48:49,465
of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
693
00:48:49,591 --> 00:48:52,059
-All right?
-Yeah. Yeah, l suppose so.
694
00:48:52,431 --> 00:48:54,820
Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
695
00:48:55,871 --> 00:48:58,704
What about this old codger up here?
696
00:48:58,831 --> 00:49:00,025
Put that down at once!
697
00:49:00,151 --> 00:49:01,550
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
698
00:49:01,671 --> 00:49:03,343
given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
699
00:49:03,471 --> 00:49:07,464
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
700
00:49:07,911 --> 00:49:10,630
lronically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
701
00:49:10,751 --> 00:49:13,948
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesterol.
702
00:49:14,071 --> 00:49:15,186
Now.
703
00:49:16,471 --> 00:49:21,670
What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
704
00:49:30,791 --> 00:49:31,906
Puzzle jug?
705
00:49:32,031 --> 00:49:35,103
To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
706
00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:47,109
-Very funny.
-Marguerite thought it clever.
707
00:49:47,231 --> 00:49:49,267
Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
708
00:49:49,551 --> 00:49:51,906
Let us expose its shortcomings.
709
00:49:54,271 --> 00:49:56,705
Well, you might've said good shot.
710
00:49:56,951 --> 00:50:00,261
You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
711
00:50:00,391 --> 00:50:04,350
Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
712
00:50:04,471 --> 00:50:05,950
Now, what next?
713
00:50:09,831 --> 00:50:14,109
The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
714
00:50:14,751 --> 00:50:17,549
l will not resist the temptation.
715
00:50:18,391 --> 00:50:23,306
Shucks. Gosh darn,
if l ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
716
00:50:32,071 --> 00:50:33,470
You hit what you were aiming for,
all right.
717
00:50:33,591 --> 00:50:34,990
Now don't be peevish, Milo.
718
00:50:35,111 --> 00:50:37,705
There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
719
00:50:37,831 --> 00:50:41,380
-Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
-You know damned well l didn't.
720
00:50:41,511 --> 00:50:44,548
He was the very finest shot
l ever did see.
721
00:50:44,671 --> 00:50:49,506
l once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
722
00:50:49,631 --> 00:50:50,905
The only thing was,
they were china ducks
723
00:50:51,031 --> 00:50:52,669
in his auntie's drawing room. And l said,
724
00:50:52,791 --> 00:50:56,306
''But Charlie, you can't do that.
lt's the closed season.''
725
00:50:59,191 --> 00:51:01,102
Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
726
00:51:01,231 --> 00:51:03,062
Even the bad ones.
727
00:51:03,751 --> 00:51:06,549
True, not as funny as all that.
728
00:51:06,671 --> 00:51:10,584
There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
729
00:51:10,991 --> 00:51:13,789
Seducers and wife-stealers,
for example.
730
00:51:13,991 --> 00:51:15,583
Now, that's a bad ltalian joke.
731
00:51:15,711 --> 00:51:17,906
You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
732
00:51:18,031 --> 00:51:22,468
No, actually, l'm English.
l was born here in England.
733
00:51:22,591 --> 00:51:24,866
Were you now? Actually?
734
00:51:24,991 --> 00:51:27,141
Born in dear old,
cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system
735
00:51:27,271 --> 00:51:30,786
who-screws-my-wife,
merits-a-large-pink-gin, England?
736
00:51:30,911 --> 00:51:33,471
Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, l mean.
737
00:51:34,071 --> 00:51:35,948
Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
738
00:51:36,071 --> 00:51:39,029
What he really thinks in private is,
''Filthy, wet country!
739
00:51:39,151 --> 00:51:41,107
''Ugly, red, cold men
740
00:51:41,231 --> 00:51:43,950
''who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cool women.''
741
00:51:44,071 --> 00:51:46,027
And what brought all this on, then?
742
00:51:49,991 --> 00:51:52,903
-What are you doing with that gun?
-Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
743
00:51:53,031 --> 00:51:54,862
l can see that, but why?
744
00:51:54,991 --> 00:51:57,710
Because l'm gonna kill you.
745
00:51:58,391 --> 00:52:00,382
You are gonna kill me?
746
00:52:00,511 --> 00:52:04,060
Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
747
00:52:04,191 --> 00:52:06,261
Another one? No, it's the same one.
748
00:52:06,391 --> 00:52:08,188
We've been playing it all evening.
lt's called,
749
00:52:08,311 --> 00:52:11,701
''You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder.''
750
00:52:14,431 --> 00:52:18,424
You... You mean all that
steal the jewel stuff was just...
751
00:52:18,791 --> 00:52:22,340
l invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
752
00:52:22,471 --> 00:52:26,020
The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
753
00:52:26,151 --> 00:52:28,346
the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
754
00:52:28,471 --> 00:52:33,670
and gun going off during the struggle
and then the final fatal shot.
755
00:52:34,871 --> 00:52:37,943
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
756
00:52:38,071 --> 00:52:40,665
-lt ain't funny no more.
-lt ain't, ain't it?
757
00:52:40,791 --> 00:52:43,703
-Can you find a flaw in it?
-Marguerite.
758
00:52:43,831 --> 00:52:46,026
The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
759
00:52:46,151 --> 00:52:48,142
-What nonsense.
-They'll know that's why you did it.
760
00:52:48,271 --> 00:52:49,704
How was l expected
to know who you were?
761
00:52:49,831 --> 00:52:51,549
The law will have
every sympathy for me.
762
00:52:51,671 --> 00:52:55,186
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
763
00:52:55,311 --> 00:52:56,630
Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
764
00:52:56,751 --> 00:52:58,981
after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
765
00:52:59,111 --> 00:53:00,703
A petty sneak thief,
766
00:53:00,831 --> 00:53:04,744
who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
767
00:53:05,031 --> 00:53:08,740
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
768
00:53:09,431 --> 00:53:11,626
Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
769
00:53:11,751 --> 00:53:13,867
You've learnt something
from the English.
770
00:53:13,991 --> 00:53:15,310
And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
771
00:53:15,431 --> 00:53:16,625
Why don't you make a run for it?
772
00:53:16,751 --> 00:53:18,707
And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
773
00:53:18,831 --> 00:53:21,186
Hot blood, you mean.
But l'll tell you what l'll do.
774
00:53:21,311 --> 00:53:23,461
l'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
775
00:53:23,591 --> 00:53:26,105
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
776
00:53:26,231 --> 00:53:27,380
One.
777
00:53:28,951 --> 00:53:30,304
One,
778
00:53:31,431 --> 00:53:32,580
two,
779
00:53:33,071 --> 00:53:34,299
three,
780
00:53:34,471 --> 00:53:35,665
four,
781
00:53:36,191 --> 00:53:37,419
five,
782
00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,825
six,
783
00:53:39,271 --> 00:53:40,386
seven,
784
00:53:40,831 --> 00:53:41,900
eight,
785
00:53:42,031 --> 00:53:43,225
nine,
786
00:53:43,631 --> 00:53:44,666
10,
787
00:53:44,911 --> 00:53:46,105
1 1 ,
788
00:53:46,511 --> 00:53:47,626
12,
789
00:53:48,071 --> 00:53:49,299
13,
790
00:53:49,671 --> 00:53:50,865
1 4,
791
00:53:51,271 --> 00:53:52,386
15,
792
00:53:52,831 --> 00:53:54,059
16,
793
00:53:54,431 --> 00:53:55,659
1 7,
794
00:53:56,231 --> 00:53:57,380
18,
795
00:53:57,791 --> 00:53:59,224
19,
796
00:53:59,791 --> 00:54:02,624
and a 20.
797
00:54:08,511 --> 00:54:11,981
-You left them in that beautiful coat.
-Oh, my God.
798
00:54:12,111 --> 00:54:14,864
Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
799
00:54:15,431 --> 00:54:18,582
Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
800
00:54:38,351 --> 00:54:40,581
Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
801
00:54:40,711 --> 00:54:42,702
is where the police shall find you.
802
00:54:43,591 --> 00:54:46,901
Of course, you could be lying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
803
00:54:47,031 --> 00:54:49,909
like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
804
00:54:50,031 --> 00:54:52,750
or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
805
00:54:52,871 --> 00:54:56,227
Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
806
00:54:56,351 --> 00:54:58,819
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
807
00:54:58,951 --> 00:55:00,987
Of killing a real man!
Don't you understand?
808
00:55:01,111 --> 00:55:03,579
l shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
809
00:55:03,711 --> 00:55:06,384
a real 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
810
00:55:06,591 --> 00:55:08,980
l've got one in my golf bag.
811
00:55:30,991 --> 00:55:33,824
Dear, old mashie niblick.
812
00:55:33,951 --> 00:55:38,866
l think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
813
00:55:38,991 --> 00:55:40,265
The body lay on its back.
814
00:55:40,391 --> 00:55:43,110
lts limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
815
00:55:43,231 --> 00:55:47,782
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernatural force.
816
00:55:47,911 --> 00:55:50,789
''My God,''
breathed the lnspector, blanching.
817
00:55:50,911 --> 00:55:53,425
''Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
818
00:55:53,551 --> 00:55:57,464
''Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?''
819
00:55:57,591 --> 00:55:59,388
''l'm sorry, lnspector.
820
00:55:59,511 --> 00:56:01,866
''l'm afraid l lost control of myself
when l saw him
821
00:56:01,991 --> 00:56:04,551
''handling my wife's
intimate garments.''
822
00:56:04,831 --> 00:56:06,822
lt's too bloody elaborate.
l'll tell you what.
823
00:56:06,951 --> 00:56:09,465
l think the scene
the police find is simply this.
824
00:56:09,591 --> 00:56:13,027
After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
825
00:56:13,151 --> 00:56:14,903
Go on, Milo, flee.
826
00:56:15,031 --> 00:56:16,384
Up you go.
827
00:56:17,831 --> 00:56:19,230
Up you go.
828
00:56:29,471 --> 00:56:31,541
l catch you on the landing,
829
00:56:31,671 --> 00:56:34,469
and in the renewed struggle,
l shoot you.
830
00:56:34,591 --> 00:56:39,460
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
831
00:56:39,591 --> 00:56:43,470
On the morning of his execution,
King Charles l put on two shirts.
832
00:56:44,231 --> 00:56:47,701
''lf l tremble with the cold,'' he said,
''my enemies will say it was from fear.
833
00:56:47,831 --> 00:56:51,506
''l will not expose myself
to such reproaches.''
834
00:56:51,631 --> 00:56:54,748
We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
835
00:56:54,871 --> 00:56:58,307
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
836
00:56:59,991 --> 00:57:02,744
Look,
837
00:57:03,071 --> 00:57:06,541
l can't give anything back, can l?
838
00:57:08,351 --> 00:57:11,343
l mean, if it hadn't been me,
839
00:57:11,471 --> 00:57:13,826
it would've been somebody else.
840
00:57:15,151 --> 00:57:16,982
Please.
841
00:57:17,551 --> 00:57:19,701
l'll go away.
842
00:57:19,911 --> 00:57:22,744
You won't never hear of me, no more.
843
00:57:27,391 --> 00:57:29,507
Why, Andrew?
844
00:57:29,631 --> 00:57:31,701
Why me?
845
00:57:32,591 --> 00:57:33,706
Don't snivel.
846
00:57:33,831 --> 00:57:36,470
l must know why!
847
00:57:37,751 --> 00:57:41,141
l'm amazed you have to ask.
848
00:57:41,271 --> 00:57:43,262
l hate you.
849
00:57:43,751 --> 00:57:47,266
l hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
850
00:57:47,391 --> 00:57:50,861
l'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
851
00:57:50,991 --> 00:57:54,222
l knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
852
00:57:54,351 --> 00:57:58,390
And l'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oil.
853
00:57:58,511 --> 00:58:04,700
Above all, l hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
854
00:58:04,871 --> 00:58:06,782
And not one of me.
855
00:58:06,911 --> 00:58:11,143
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
856
00:58:11,271 --> 00:58:16,265
A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
857
00:58:16,391 --> 00:58:22,421
Did you really believe
l'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
858
00:58:22,551 --> 00:58:26,021
That l'd make myself that ridiculous?
859
00:58:27,791 --> 00:58:29,702
Why not?
860
00:58:29,831 --> 00:58:32,061
You're not in love with her.
861
00:58:32,191 --> 00:58:35,786
Whether l love her or not, l found her.
862
00:58:35,951 --> 00:58:37,782
l've kept her.
863
00:58:37,911 --> 00:58:40,630
She represents me.
864
00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:44,710
Once, she was in love with me.
865
00:58:48,351 --> 00:58:51,263
And now, she's in love with me.
866
00:58:51,391 --> 00:58:53,859
And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
867
00:58:53,991 --> 00:58:57,188
And after me, there'll be others.
868
00:58:57,311 --> 00:58:59,541
You're gonna kill them, too?
869
00:58:59,671 --> 00:59:02,424
You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
870
00:59:02,551 --> 00:59:05,429
And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
871
00:59:05,551 --> 00:59:08,861
about to be murdered.
872
00:59:08,991 --> 00:59:11,824
Put the mask on, Milo.
-No, no.
873
00:59:11,951 --> 00:59:16,866
-Put it on.
-No, please.
874
00:59:16,991 --> 00:59:18,947
Put it on.
875
00:59:28,511 --> 00:59:32,504
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
876
00:59:32,631 --> 00:59:36,067
A snivelling, dago clown.
877
00:59:36,191 --> 00:59:37,783
Farewell.
878
00:59:37,911 --> 00:59:39,902
Puncinello.
879
00:59:40,031 --> 00:59:42,226
Please!
880
01:04:43,871 --> 01:04:45,099
Good evening, sir.
881
01:04:45,231 --> 01:04:47,301
l was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
882
01:04:47,431 --> 01:04:49,820
lndeed. And who might you be?
883
01:04:49,951 --> 01:04:55,150
Detective lnspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
884
01:04:55,271 --> 01:04:59,184
l'm sorry to be calling so late,
but l need to have a few words with you
885
01:04:59,311 --> 01:05:01,779
on a very important matter.
886
01:05:01,911 --> 01:05:03,060
Better come in.
887
01:05:03,191 --> 01:05:05,500
Wiltshire County Constabulary,
you say?
888
01:05:05,631 --> 01:05:08,020
That's right, sir.
l'm normally based in Salisbury,
889
01:05:08,151 --> 01:05:13,179
but your local man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
890
01:05:13,311 --> 01:05:16,621
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
891
01:05:16,751 --> 01:05:20,266
There's a time for humming, lnspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
892
01:05:20,391 --> 01:05:23,269
-No thank you, sir. l've had my supper.
-Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
893
01:05:23,391 --> 01:05:24,983
or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
894
01:05:25,351 --> 01:05:27,819
No, sir. l always drink on duty.
895
01:05:27,951 --> 01:05:31,227
l can't afford to on my own time.
896
01:05:31,351 --> 01:05:32,830
Caviar.
897
01:05:32,951 --> 01:05:35,260
So that's what that looks like.
898
01:05:35,471 --> 01:05:37,826
l've often wondered.
899
01:05:45,271 --> 01:05:48,820
Can't say l care for it all that much, sir.
900
01:05:50,111 --> 01:05:52,671
Tastes like fish eggs.
901
01:05:52,791 --> 01:05:53,780
Fancy.
902
01:05:53,911 --> 01:05:57,904
Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
903
01:05:58,031 --> 01:06:00,591
Do follow me, won't you, lnspector?
904
01:06:06,711 --> 01:06:10,829
These old antiques
are very interesting, sir.
905
01:06:12,191 --> 01:06:16,104
You have quite a collection of toys.
906
01:06:16,231 --> 01:06:19,780
Autometer, lnspector. And they all work.
907
01:06:19,911 --> 01:06:23,586
l wouldn't have thought there was much
point in having them if they didn't, sir.
908
01:06:23,711 --> 01:06:28,546
And now, as the cliché has it,
what can l do for you, lnspector?
909
01:06:28,751 --> 01:06:33,905
l am investigating the disappearance
of a Mr Milo Tindle.
910
01:06:34,111 --> 01:06:35,669
Do you know him, sir?
911
01:06:35,791 --> 01:06:38,180
Vaguely.
912
01:06:39,591 --> 01:06:43,550
He walked out of his cottage
late last Friday afternoon
913
01:06:43,671 --> 01:06:46,026
and hasn't been seen since.
914
01:06:46,151 --> 01:06:48,142
Really, l'm afraid
l'm not very much interested
915
01:06:48,271 --> 01:06:51,149
in the migratory habits of hair dressers.
916
01:06:51,271 --> 01:06:53,068
So you do
know the gentleman then, sir?
917
01:06:53,191 --> 01:06:55,227
Well, l know his profession.
918
01:06:55,351 --> 01:06:58,661
l think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in London.
919
01:06:58,791 --> 01:07:01,828
When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir?
920
01:07:01,951 --> 01:07:04,306
Some months ago.
l wouldn't remember, exactly.
921
01:07:04,431 --> 01:07:05,910
l'd have no reason to, really.
922
01:07:06,031 --> 01:07:09,660
That doesn't quite
accord with our information.
923
01:07:09,791 --> 01:07:15,423
l wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me please, sir?
924
01:07:15,551 --> 01:07:17,940
ln fact, two nights ago,
925
01:07:18,071 --> 01:07:21,302
he told Jack Benn,
the licensee of the White Lion,
926
01:07:21,431 --> 01:07:23,262
he was on his way up to see you.
927
01:07:23,391 --> 01:07:26,144
Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, lnspector.
928
01:07:26,271 --> 01:07:28,466
Vinous gossip is their stock in trade.
929
01:07:28,591 --> 01:07:31,230
Vinous, as pertaining to wine,
l assume, sir.
930
01:07:31,351 --> 01:07:33,262
Very good.
931
01:07:44,431 --> 01:07:46,422
And l was wondering
if there was something else
932
01:07:46,551 --> 01:07:49,588
-you could correct for me, sir.
-What is that?
933
01:07:49,711 --> 01:07:51,110
The impression, gained by a man,
934
01:07:51,231 --> 01:07:54,268
who happened to be passing
your house on Friday night.
935
01:07:54,391 --> 01:07:58,464
-That shots were fired in here.
-Shots?
936
01:07:58,591 --> 01:08:00,661
Three, our man thinks.
937
01:08:00,791 --> 01:08:03,259
-A car backfiring?
-Oh, no, sir.
938
01:08:03,391 --> 01:08:06,030
l'm afraid that sort of
occurrence only comes in,
939
01:08:06,151 --> 01:08:08,904
saving your presence, sir,
detective stories.
940
01:08:09,031 --> 01:08:12,148
No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
941
01:08:12,271 --> 01:08:13,260
l see.
942
01:08:13,391 --> 01:08:16,269
May l ask why you've taken two days
to come round and ask me
943
01:08:16,391 --> 01:08:19,701
-about all this?
-Well, sir, these things
944
01:08:19,831 --> 01:08:23,790
always take a little longer
to check out than you think.
945
01:08:24,071 --> 01:08:28,667
Your local man wanted to be sure
of his facts before calling me in
946
01:08:28,791 --> 01:08:31,828
and before troubling
a gentleman like yourself.
947
01:08:31,951 --> 01:08:35,626
-Facts? What facts?
-Well, after our informant
948
01:08:35,751 --> 01:08:40,779
had reported the incident,
we thought we'd better
949
01:08:40,911 --> 01:08:42,708
have a word with Mr Tindle
950
01:08:42,831 --> 01:08:45,709
to see if he could
throw any light on the subject.
951
01:08:45,831 --> 01:08:50,541
And could he? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, lnspector.
952
01:08:51,711 --> 01:08:53,667
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
953
01:08:53,911 --> 01:08:59,508
He wasn't at his cottage,
all day Saturday, nor all day today.
954
01:09:00,351 --> 01:09:04,185
We must've called there
at least half a dozen times.
955
01:09:04,311 --> 01:09:07,109
By Jove, sir.
Merridew would've been proud of you.
956
01:09:08,351 --> 01:09:10,626
Your detective, sir.
957
01:09:10,751 --> 01:09:13,788
That's praise, indeed, sir.
l'm a great fan of his lordship.
958
01:09:13,911 --> 01:09:15,185
Are you really?
959
01:09:15,311 --> 01:09:16,710
Well, you must tell me
which is your favourite.
960
01:09:16,831 --> 01:09:18,583
l, myself, have always
had a special affection
961
01:09:18,751 --> 01:09:20,070
for The Case of the Crucified Countess.
962
01:09:20,191 --> 01:09:23,183
When we stepped inside
Mr Tindle's cottage
963
01:09:23,311 --> 01:09:26,747
to make sure
that no harm had come to him,
964
01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:29,260
we found this, sir.
965
01:09:29,391 --> 01:09:31,188
''Urgent we talk.
966
01:09:31,311 --> 01:09:34,986
''Come on Friday evening, about 6:30.
967
01:09:35,111 --> 01:09:36,305
''Wyke.''
968
01:09:36,431 --> 01:09:39,821
May l ask, is this your handwriting, sir?
969
01:09:39,951 --> 01:09:43,830
-Yes, it's mine, all right.
-So Mr Tindle was here then, sir.
970
01:09:43,951 --> 01:09:46,590
-He was.
-And was there an incident
971
01:09:46,711 --> 01:09:50,670
two nights ago, as a result of which
shots were fired?
972
01:09:50,791 --> 01:09:54,386
ln a manner of speaking.
lt was a game we were playing.
973
01:09:54,551 --> 01:09:57,668
A game, sir? What kind of game?
974
01:09:57,791 --> 01:10:03,388
-lt's called ''burglary''.
-Burglary is not a game, sir.
975
01:10:04,271 --> 01:10:06,387
lsn't it about time you told me,
976
01:10:06,511 --> 01:10:09,264
l don't know
the seriousness of my position?
977
01:10:09,391 --> 01:10:13,828
A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
978
01:10:13,951 --> 01:10:16,670
Now, what would you make out of that,
if you were me, sir?
979
01:10:16,791 --> 01:10:18,270
An open and shut case,
980
01:10:18,391 --> 01:10:20,382
but things are not always
what they seem, lnspector.
981
01:10:20,511 --> 01:10:21,785
Why, in
The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,
982
01:10:21,911 --> 01:10:26,587
-your favourite, Lord Merridew...
-l am waiting for an explanation, sir.
983
01:10:27,831 --> 01:10:31,983
Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30
and left about an hour and a half later.
984
01:10:32,111 --> 01:10:35,820
-l have not seen him since.
-And nor has any one else, sir.
985
01:10:35,951 --> 01:10:40,183
But this is absurd.
You're not suggesting l killed Tindle?
986
01:10:40,311 --> 01:10:43,826
Killed Tindle, sir?
l never mentioned the word ''kill''.
987
01:10:43,951 --> 01:10:47,546
Come now, lnspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
988
01:10:47,671 --> 01:10:52,301
''Garrotted, sir. May l ask how you knew
her ladyship had been garrotted?''
989
01:10:52,431 --> 01:10:54,103
''Surely, you told me so, lnspector.''
990
01:10:54,231 --> 01:10:57,860
''No, sir.
l never mentioned the word garrotted.''
991
01:10:58,111 --> 01:11:03,231
l am sorry you find us so comic, sir.
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
992
01:11:03,351 --> 01:11:06,149
You're just doing your job
is the overworked phrase, isn't it?
993
01:11:06,271 --> 01:11:10,867
Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
The overworked phrase that is, yeah.
994
01:11:10,991 --> 01:11:14,745
Your wife and Mr Tindle
have been associating closely
995
01:11:14,871 --> 01:11:17,590
-for some time, sir.
-l thought you'd know about that.
996
01:11:17,711 --> 01:11:20,703
You can't keep anything quiet
in a small village.
997
01:11:20,871 --> 01:11:22,589
Perfectly true, sir.
998
01:11:22,711 --> 01:11:24,941
You're not suggesting
a crime passionnel?
999
01:11:25,071 --> 01:11:27,380
l do hope. Not with Marguerite.
Oh, God.
1000
01:11:27,511 --> 01:11:29,467
That'd be like knifing somebody
for the sake
1001
01:11:29,591 --> 01:11:32,469
of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding.
1002
01:11:32,631 --> 01:11:35,987
l'm very partial to rice pudding, sir.
1003
01:11:36,111 --> 01:11:39,786
-l find it a great standby.
-That's perfect.
1004
01:11:39,911 --> 01:11:42,789
''All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,''
1005
01:11:42,911 --> 01:11:45,220
said lnspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested
1006
01:11:45,351 --> 01:11:50,709
another spoonful of his favourite pud.
''But only one of you had all three.''
1007
01:11:50,831 --> 01:11:55,427
Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
1008
01:11:58,071 --> 01:12:00,062
l suppose
l better tell you what happened.
1009
01:12:00,191 --> 01:12:01,544
That would be helpful, sir.
1010
01:12:01,671 --> 01:12:03,741
Perhaps another drink
would be helpful, too.
1011
01:12:03,871 --> 01:12:08,103
l'd love another drink, sir, but l think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
1012
01:12:08,231 --> 01:12:10,506
Quite right, lnspector.
That, too, can be corrected.
1013
01:12:10,631 --> 01:12:12,667
Do come with me, won't you?
1014
01:12:12,791 --> 01:12:14,463
Now, as you seem to know,
1015
01:12:14,591 --> 01:12:16,786
Tindle was having an affair
with my wife.
1016
01:12:16,911 --> 01:12:18,742
Now, l belong to that rare breed of men
1017
01:12:18,871 --> 01:12:20,987
who genuinely don't mind
losing gracefully
1018
01:12:21,111 --> 01:12:23,386
to a gentleman who plays the game
by the same rules.
1019
01:12:23,511 --> 01:12:27,186
But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-ltalian lover boy,
1020
01:12:27,311 --> 01:12:32,101
who mistakes my indifference
for inadequacy is altogether too much!
1021
01:12:32,311 --> 01:12:35,383
You mean you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir?
1022
01:12:35,511 --> 01:12:36,500
ls that what you're saying?
1023
01:12:36,631 --> 01:12:40,863
l mean, it was a situation l refused
to accept, lnspector.
1024
01:12:44,086 --> 01:12:47,795
Playing the game is very
important to you, is it, sir?
1025
01:12:47,926 --> 01:12:50,804
Playing the game
and games playing, yes, lnspector.
1026
01:12:51,046 --> 01:12:52,957
l'm not quite sure
l see the difference, sir.
1027
01:12:53,086 --> 01:12:55,316
lt's perfectly simple, lnspector.
1028
01:12:55,446 --> 01:12:57,960
Playing the game
is what every gentleman does.
1029
01:12:58,086 --> 01:13:01,158
Playing of particular games
is my special passion.
1030
01:13:01,286 --> 01:13:05,120
ln a way, my whole life.
1031
01:13:10,726 --> 01:13:13,194
That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
1032
01:13:13,326 --> 01:13:14,679
Like a child not growing up.
1033
01:13:14,806 --> 01:13:17,923
What's so sad
about a child playing, lnspector?
1034
01:13:18,326 --> 01:13:21,398
Nothing, sir, if you're a child.
1035
01:13:22,806 --> 01:13:23,955
Let me tell you, lnspector,
1036
01:13:24,086 --> 01:13:27,396
l have played games of such complexity
that Jung and Einstein
1037
01:13:27,526 --> 01:13:30,677
would've been proud to have been
asked to participate in them.
1038
01:13:30,806 --> 01:13:34,719
l have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche
1039
01:13:34,846 --> 01:13:37,314
unknown in ordinary
human relationships.
1040
01:13:37,446 --> 01:13:42,759
And l've had a very great deal
of not altogether innocent fun.
1041
01:13:47,446 --> 01:13:50,119
ls there nothing
you would not consider a game, sir?
1042
01:13:50,246 --> 01:13:52,760
Duty, work, even marriage?
1043
01:13:53,006 --> 01:13:55,361
Please, lnspector.
Don't include marriage.
1044
01:13:55,486 --> 01:14:00,002
Sex! Sex is the game.
Marriage, the penalty.
1045
01:14:01,246 --> 01:14:04,682
Round and round,
we jog towards each futile anniversary.
1046
01:14:04,806 --> 01:14:07,923
Pass go. Collect two hundred rows,
1047
01:14:08,046 --> 01:14:11,163
two hundred silences,
two hundred scars.
1048
01:14:11,286 --> 01:14:12,639
ln the deep places.
1049
01:14:12,766 --> 01:14:16,759
Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
1050
01:14:16,886 --> 01:14:19,525
you had no motive
for murdering Mr Tindle?
1051
01:14:19,646 --> 01:14:22,285
l'm simply saying, lnspector,
that in common with most men,
1052
01:14:22,406 --> 01:14:25,557
l want to have my cookie and ignore it.
1053
01:14:25,806 --> 01:14:28,161
That was rather witty, l thought.
1054
01:14:29,446 --> 01:14:31,516
And what have we here, sir?
1055
01:14:31,846 --> 01:14:34,201
lt's just an old dressing up basket.
That's all.
1056
01:14:34,366 --> 01:14:39,724
A traditional place of concealment,
l'm sure you'll agree.
1057
01:14:40,406 --> 01:14:43,125
Only of the identity, lnspector.
1058
01:14:44,566 --> 01:14:46,636
ln a game.
1059
01:14:46,766 --> 01:14:48,404
Shall we go?
1060
01:14:51,046 --> 01:14:53,514
-Shall we go?
-Yes, sir.
1061
01:14:53,646 --> 01:14:55,159
Coming.
1062
01:14:59,886 --> 01:15:03,401
Anyway, l thought l'd teach
young master Tindle a lesson
1063
01:15:03,526 --> 01:15:06,165
for his presumption.
Test his mettle, as it were.
1064
01:15:06,286 --> 01:15:08,436
You may not agree with this, lnspector,
but you take it from me.
1065
01:15:08,566 --> 01:15:11,285
The shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
1066
01:15:11,406 --> 01:15:14,603
You soon find out what he's made of.
1067
01:15:14,726 --> 01:15:18,116
And how did you plan
to go about this humiliation, sir?
1068
01:15:18,246 --> 01:15:22,205
To begin with, by convincing him that
as my wife has expensive tastes,
1069
01:15:22,326 --> 01:15:23,884
and he was virtually a pauper,
1070
01:15:24,006 --> 01:15:28,557
he could solve that problem
by stealing some valuable jewellery,
1071
01:15:28,686 --> 01:15:31,439
which l had in my safe.
1072
01:15:35,006 --> 01:15:38,760
l further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
1073
01:15:38,886 --> 01:15:40,444
Appropriately enough, he chose,
1074
01:15:40,566 --> 01:15:43,000
out of that basket you examined,
the costume of a clown.
1075
01:15:43,126 --> 01:15:47,756
ln that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
1076
01:15:49,486 --> 01:15:52,125
The jewels were in this box.
1077
01:15:57,406 --> 01:15:59,795
Good thinking, lnspector.
1078
01:16:04,646 --> 01:16:07,080
-Bravo.
-And where are they now, sir?
1079
01:16:07,206 --> 01:16:09,242
l put them in the bank, yesterday.
1080
01:16:09,366 --> 01:16:11,641
-On a Saturday?
-Yes, lnspector, on a Saturday.
1081
01:16:11,766 --> 01:16:14,155
l drove over to Salisbury
and l put them in the night safe.
1082
01:16:14,286 --> 01:16:16,436
How very provident, sir.
1083
01:16:16,566 --> 01:16:19,797
May l ask what you did
after he blew the safe open?
1084
01:16:19,926 --> 01:16:21,564
Tindle pocketed the jewels.
1085
01:16:21,686 --> 01:16:24,519
We struggled convincingly
around the house as part of the game,
1086
01:16:24,646 --> 01:16:27,797
and he was about to make off,
when l turned nasty and revealed
1087
01:16:27,926 --> 01:16:29,484
the true purpose of the evening.
1088
01:16:29,606 --> 01:16:31,562
This was, of course,
that l had manoeuvred him
1089
01:16:31,686 --> 01:16:34,644
into a position where, by pretending
to mistake him for a burglar,
1090
01:16:34,766 --> 01:16:37,883
l could legitimately shoot him.
1091
01:16:38,006 --> 01:16:42,318
When you revealed your intentions, sir,
1092
01:16:42,446 --> 01:16:44,562
what was Mr Tindle's reaction?
1093
01:16:44,686 --> 01:16:45,880
Electrifying!
1094
01:16:46,006 --> 01:16:47,837
He swallowed my story,
hook, line and sinker.
1095
01:16:47,966 --> 01:16:50,321
He fell to his knees
and pleaded for his life,
1096
01:16:50,446 --> 01:16:53,404
but l was implacable.
l put the gun against his head
1097
01:16:53,526 --> 01:16:56,040
and shot him
1098
01:16:56,246 --> 01:16:58,885
with a blank cartridge.
1099
01:17:02,006 --> 01:17:05,316
You shot Mr Tindle
with a blank cartridge, sir?
1100
01:17:05,446 --> 01:17:07,277
Fainted, dead away.
1101
01:17:07,406 --> 01:17:09,203
So my game was over.
1102
01:17:09,406 --> 01:17:12,159
lt was a most gratifying one.
1103
01:17:12,366 --> 01:17:17,520
You actually put a gun to his head
and pulled the trigger
1104
01:17:17,646 --> 01:17:19,921
as a game?
1105
01:17:20,126 --> 01:17:23,084
Call it his initiation test, if you like.
1106
01:17:23,286 --> 01:17:25,436
He came here aping the gentry,
1107
01:17:25,566 --> 01:17:27,397
hoping for acceptance,
but he had to be taught.
1108
01:17:27,526 --> 01:17:30,723
You don't join just like that.
1109
01:17:30,846 --> 01:17:35,795
There's such a thing as breeding!
The quality that breeding brings.
1110
01:17:35,926 --> 01:17:37,996
lt cannot be acquired.
1111
01:17:38,126 --> 01:17:40,117
Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
1112
01:17:40,246 --> 01:17:42,362
He may well have done, sir,
1113
01:17:42,486 --> 01:17:46,399
but he also must have been put
in fear of his life.
1114
01:17:47,646 --> 01:17:51,798
Such irresponsible action
warrants a serious charge of assault.
1115
01:17:52,446 --> 01:17:54,676
l suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder
1116
01:17:54,806 --> 01:17:57,001
you were contemplating
a few minutes ago.
1117
01:17:57,166 --> 01:17:58,724
l still am contemplating it, sir.
1118
01:17:58,846 --> 01:18:00,916
Come now, lnspector,
l told you what happened.
1119
01:18:01,046 --> 01:18:02,638
After a few minutes,
he came to his senses,
1120
01:18:02,766 --> 01:18:04,996
realised shrewdly
that he wasn't dead after all,
1121
01:18:05,126 --> 01:18:08,755
and after only a few too many brandies,
lurched off home.
1122
01:18:08,966 --> 01:18:12,481
l'm sorry you appear
to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke.
1123
01:18:13,766 --> 01:18:16,644
We may not take
quite the same attitude.
1124
01:18:17,606 --> 01:18:19,358
Now, look here.
1125
01:18:20,646 --> 01:18:22,477
Why can't you see this
from my point of view?
1126
01:18:22,606 --> 01:18:25,837
ln a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he?
1127
01:18:25,966 --> 01:18:28,355
Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir?
1128
01:18:28,486 --> 01:18:30,681
Of course not. Don't you see?
lt was a game.
1129
01:18:30,806 --> 01:18:33,525
-Just a bloody game.
-Bloody indeed, sir.
1130
01:18:33,646 --> 01:18:36,080
l achieved what l set out to do,
and that was all.
1131
01:18:36,206 --> 01:18:37,480
You may well
have achieved murder, sir.
1132
01:18:37,606 --> 01:18:39,324
-No.
-l believe so, sir.
1133
01:18:39,526 --> 01:18:42,086
No, l told you everything that happened.
1134
01:18:42,206 --> 01:18:44,003
Would you mind
if l had a look around, sir?
1135
01:18:44,126 --> 01:18:46,037
Crawl about on all fours, if you like.
1136
01:18:46,166 --> 01:18:48,634
Get out your envelope
and imprison hairs.
1137
01:18:48,766 --> 01:18:51,883
Gather ye blunt instruments
while ye may.
1138
01:18:57,406 --> 01:19:01,638
Now, l ask myself,
if l wanted to conceal Tindle's body,
1139
01:19:01,766 --> 01:19:04,838
where would l put it?
1140
01:19:04,966 --> 01:19:09,118
ln my good friend,
Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor.
1141
01:19:27,766 --> 01:19:30,326
Very amusing, sir.
1142
01:19:30,446 --> 01:19:32,164
May l ask how you did that?
1143
01:19:32,286 --> 01:19:35,005
No.
Jolly Jack and l have our little secret.
1144
01:19:35,206 --> 01:19:39,484
Then may l ask
how you made those holes in the wall?
1145
01:19:39,606 --> 01:19:41,437
That one over there.
1146
01:19:41,566 --> 01:19:43,841
And this one over here.
1147
01:19:46,006 --> 01:19:49,919
-They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
-Quite right, lnspector.
1148
01:19:50,046 --> 01:19:51,115
So they are.
1149
01:19:51,246 --> 01:19:55,080
l understood you, sir,
say that you used a blank.
1150
01:19:55,326 --> 01:19:59,114
Two live bullets to set up the trick
and one blank to complete it.
1151
01:19:59,246 --> 01:20:01,157
l had to persuade Tindle
l was in earnest.
1152
01:20:01,326 --> 01:20:02,725
l see, sir.
1153
01:20:02,886 --> 01:20:04,239
One blank.
1154
01:20:04,406 --> 01:20:05,998
Then would you
just show me please, sir,
1155
01:20:06,126 --> 01:20:08,924
where Mr Tindle was
when you killed him?
1156
01:20:10,326 --> 01:20:13,477
-Pretended to kill him, you mean.
-Quite so.
1157
01:20:13,686 --> 01:20:17,474
Then would you show me exactly
where he was when the bullet hit him?
1158
01:20:17,606 --> 01:20:20,046
l keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
1159
01:20:20,046 --> 01:20:20,922
l keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
1160
01:20:21,126 --> 01:20:23,720
So you do, sir. So you do.
1161
01:20:23,966 --> 01:20:28,994
Very well, then. Where was he
when the blank cartridge was fired?
1162
01:20:29,166 --> 01:20:31,600
He was standing,
or l should say kneeling,
1163
01:20:31,726 --> 01:20:35,036
or, more accurately, cowering here.
1164
01:20:41,086 --> 01:20:43,042
About here you say, sir?
1165
01:20:43,166 --> 01:20:45,236
Two steps down.
1166
01:20:47,326 --> 01:20:48,361
That's it.
1167
01:20:48,486 --> 01:20:51,125
Were you close to Mr Tindle
when you fired the gun?
1168
01:20:51,246 --> 01:20:54,556
Very. l was standing over him, in fact,
with the gun against his head.
1169
01:20:54,686 --> 01:20:56,916
You see,
it was the actual feel of the gun,
1170
01:20:57,046 --> 01:21:00,800
coupled with the noise
of the explosion that did the trick.
1171
01:21:14,046 --> 01:21:17,356
The traditional tool
of your trade, lnspector?
1172
01:21:57,526 --> 01:21:59,562
Joke blood, sir?
1173
01:22:02,646 --> 01:22:04,841
l don't think l quite follow, lnspector.
1174
01:22:04,966 --> 01:22:08,003
Here. On the banisters,
1175
01:22:08,126 --> 01:22:10,765
and underneath the carpet.
1176
01:22:15,366 --> 01:22:18,836
-lt's dry blood, sir.
-Blood?
1177
01:22:18,966 --> 01:22:20,684
Where?
1178
01:22:27,206 --> 01:22:29,436
Don't touch it.
1179
01:22:29,566 --> 01:22:31,682
That's dried blood, all right.
1180
01:22:31,806 --> 01:22:33,637
Some more, over here.
1181
01:22:33,766 --> 01:22:36,360
Someone's been rubbing the carpet,
you see that?
1182
01:22:36,486 --> 01:22:37,760
Deep in the pile.
1183
01:22:38,406 --> 01:22:40,283
That's blood, sir.
1184
01:22:42,606 --> 01:22:44,517
lt's still damp.
1185
01:22:45,726 --> 01:22:48,684
Will you explain to me
how that got there?
1186
01:22:48,806 --> 01:22:50,762
l have no idea.
1187
01:22:50,886 --> 01:22:54,276
Tindle wasn't wounded
or hurt in any way.
1188
01:22:54,406 --> 01:22:56,397
You must believe me.
1189
01:22:58,206 --> 01:23:02,404
With real bullets and real blood?
1190
01:23:02,526 --> 01:23:07,042
lsn't it about time
we stopped talking about games, sir?
1191
01:23:07,166 --> 01:23:09,202
Look! Look at the window.
1192
01:23:09,326 --> 01:23:12,841
There, you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
1193
01:23:12,966 --> 01:23:15,844
And down there, the imprint
of the ladder in the flower bed
1194
01:23:15,966 --> 01:23:19,641
and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
1195
01:23:19,766 --> 01:23:20,915
Look, l can show you.
1196
01:23:21,046 --> 01:23:23,765
Over the years my eyes
have been adequately trained
1197
01:23:23,886 --> 01:23:26,275
-to see things for themselves, sir.
-l'm sure they have, lnspector.
1198
01:23:26,406 --> 01:23:30,081
l'm just trying to point out a few facts
to substantiate my story.
1199
01:23:30,206 --> 01:23:33,642
Like the blown safe
l showed you in the study
1200
01:23:33,766 --> 01:23:36,917
and like the dressing up basket
you found in the cellar.
1201
01:23:37,046 --> 01:23:41,517
You say that Mr Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
1202
01:23:41,646 --> 01:23:45,195
l saw no such costume in that basket,
1203
01:23:45,326 --> 01:23:48,762
nor have you pointed out
that mound of earth in the garden,
1204
01:23:48,886 --> 01:23:52,276
-have you, sir?
-Mound of earth?
1205
01:23:54,486 --> 01:23:56,522
What mound of earth?
1206
01:23:56,646 --> 01:23:59,638
That one over by the far wall.
1207
01:23:59,766 --> 01:24:01,961
ln the shade of that cedar tree.
1208
01:24:02,086 --> 01:24:06,079
-l can't see anything.
-Well, it's there, all right.
1209
01:24:06,206 --> 01:24:09,676
l saw it before l rang your bell.
1210
01:24:09,806 --> 01:24:12,923
l think we'd better go
and have a look at it.
1211
01:24:24,326 --> 01:24:26,237
Together, sir.
1212
01:24:46,486 --> 01:24:47,714
Here we are, sir.
1213
01:24:47,846 --> 01:24:52,397
Now, would you say
that had been freshly dug, sir?
1214
01:24:52,526 --> 01:24:53,515
How do l know?
1215
01:24:53,646 --> 01:24:55,921
lt's probably something
the gardener's been doing. Ask him.
1216
01:24:56,046 --> 01:24:57,843
You'll find him somewhere,
maundering about,
1217
01:24:57,966 --> 01:25:01,003
aching for an opportunity
to slander his employer. They all do.
1218
01:25:01,126 --> 01:25:03,686
For my part, l've always found
1219
01:25:03,806 --> 01:25:06,445
that gardeners make
excellent witnesses.
1220
01:25:06,566 --> 01:25:09,763
They're slow,
they're methodical, and they're positive.
1221
01:25:09,886 --> 01:25:12,844
lnspector, l've had just
about enough of this farce.
1222
01:25:12,966 --> 01:25:17,084
Do you really think l'd be fool enough
to bury Tindle out here, in the garden,
1223
01:25:17,206 --> 01:25:20,198
leaving all that newly turned earth
for everyone to find?
1224
01:25:20,326 --> 01:25:22,681
lf you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
1225
01:25:22,806 --> 01:25:24,080
ln a couple of weeks,
1226
01:25:24,206 --> 01:25:27,039
with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs,
1227
01:25:27,166 --> 01:25:30,602
it'd be very difficult
to tell it had ever been disturbed.
1228
01:25:30,726 --> 01:25:34,036
We in the police force
know just how fond murderers are
1229
01:25:34,166 --> 01:25:35,997
of their back gardens, sir.
1230
01:25:36,126 --> 01:25:38,276
One's as near a murderer's heart
in the garden
1231
01:25:38,406 --> 01:25:40,920
as anywhere else on earth, lnspector?
1232
01:25:41,046 --> 01:25:42,718
Excepting the bedroom, sir.
1233
01:25:42,846 --> 01:25:46,122
l think you'll find that's still the favourite.
1234
01:26:09,166 --> 01:26:12,363
There's no mistaking
whose room this is, sir?
1235
01:26:18,726 --> 01:26:20,717
My wife showers.
1236
01:26:20,846 --> 01:26:22,518
l bathe.
1237
01:26:53,446 --> 01:26:57,439
Clothing all screwed up
on the floor of the wardrobe.
1238
01:26:57,566 --> 01:26:59,761
That's not like you, sir.
1239
01:27:01,406 --> 01:27:05,638
Here's an interesting monogram. l W.
1240
01:27:05,766 --> 01:27:08,519
Or have l got this the wrong way up?
1241
01:27:10,246 --> 01:27:13,318
M T.
1242
01:27:13,446 --> 01:27:15,243
Let me see that.
1243
01:27:19,406 --> 01:27:23,365
Made by Owen and Tancredi
of Percy Street.
1244
01:27:23,526 --> 01:27:27,155
For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12.
1245
01:27:27,966 --> 01:27:29,285
Tell me, sir.
1246
01:27:29,406 --> 01:27:32,876
When Mr Tindle lurched off,
as you put it,
1247
01:27:33,006 --> 01:27:35,759
did he lurch naked?
1248
01:27:35,886 --> 01:27:39,720
And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village?
1249
01:27:39,846 --> 01:27:42,519
He changed back
before he left into these clothes.
1250
01:27:42,646 --> 01:27:45,399
Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle
1251
01:27:45,526 --> 01:27:48,279
changed into the clown's costume
in the cellar?
1252
01:27:48,406 --> 01:27:50,203
-Yes.
-Another part
1253
01:27:50,326 --> 01:27:53,602
of the humiliation process, l suppose.
1254
01:27:53,726 --> 01:27:57,401
Then someone must have
carried his clothing up from the cellar,
1255
01:27:57,526 --> 01:27:58,959
and placed them in this wardrobe.
1256
01:27:59,086 --> 01:28:01,441
-l did.
-Why?
1257
01:28:01,566 --> 01:28:03,602
Because l thought they'd be better off
in a wardrobe
1258
01:28:03,726 --> 01:28:06,877
than a dusty old cellar.
More convenient.
1259
01:28:07,006 --> 01:28:09,804
All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe? Why?
1260
01:28:09,926 --> 01:28:12,076
l didn't think it wouldn't be long before
he'd be changing back.
1261
01:28:12,206 --> 01:28:15,915
-lt's all so baffling.
-Not at all, sir.
1262
01:28:17,006 --> 01:28:19,998
You threw those clothes
on the floor of the wardrobe
1263
01:28:20,126 --> 01:28:23,914
because you knew that Mr Tindle
would not be needing them again.
1264
01:28:24,046 --> 01:28:26,241
Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it?
1265
01:28:26,366 --> 01:28:30,564
He changed back before he left
and wore them when he went away.
1266
01:28:30,686 --> 01:28:33,041
l think you started this
1267
01:28:33,166 --> 01:28:35,760
exactly as you say you did.
1268
01:28:35,886 --> 01:28:40,755
As a game, in order to play
a diabolical trick on Mr Tindle,
1269
01:28:40,886 --> 01:28:42,205
but that it went wrong.
1270
01:28:42,326 --> 01:28:45,762
Your third shot was not a blank
as you had supposed,
1271
01:28:45,886 --> 01:28:48,798
but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle
1272
01:28:48,926 --> 01:28:50,803
stone dead!
1273
01:28:50,926 --> 01:28:55,044
Spattering blood
on the banisters in the process.
1274
01:28:55,166 --> 01:28:58,875
Then, when you realised
what you'd done,
1275
01:28:59,006 --> 01:29:00,485
you simply panicked,
1276
01:29:00,606 --> 01:29:02,676
like a thousand murderers before you,
1277
01:29:02,806 --> 01:29:06,196
and buried the corpse in the garden.
1278
01:29:06,326 --> 01:29:07,918
lt was very silly of you
1279
01:29:08,046 --> 01:29:10,719
not to clean the blood
properly off the banisters
1280
01:29:10,846 --> 01:29:14,475
-and burn his clothes.
-l swear, Tindle left here alive!
1281
01:29:14,606 --> 01:29:16,995
At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
1282
01:29:17,126 --> 01:29:19,037
you had better tell that to the judge.
1283
01:29:19,166 --> 01:29:20,997
Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
1284
01:29:21,126 --> 01:29:22,479
lf you think Tindle's out in the garden,
1285
01:29:22,606 --> 01:29:24,722
for Christ's sake,
why don't you go dig him up?
1286
01:29:24,926 --> 01:29:26,518
We don't need to find him, sir.
1287
01:29:26,646 --> 01:29:29,558
lf Mr Tindle is not beneath
that newly turned earth,
1288
01:29:29,686 --> 01:29:32,154
it would merely go to indicate
that in your panic
1289
01:29:32,286 --> 01:29:33,878
you first thought of putting him there,
1290
01:29:34,006 --> 01:29:36,201
changed your mind
and buried him somewhere else.
1291
01:29:36,326 --> 01:29:38,396
-Where?
-That's not important, sir.
1292
01:29:38,526 --> 01:29:40,164
He'll turn up, sooner or later.
1293
01:29:40,286 --> 01:29:43,278
And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
1294
01:29:43,406 --> 01:29:46,125
We have your note
summoning Mr Tindle here.
1295
01:29:46,246 --> 01:29:48,965
Shots were heard, bullet holes made.
1296
01:29:49,086 --> 01:29:51,395
Blood is on the banisters
and the carpet.
1297
01:29:51,526 --> 01:29:53,244
His clothes
were hidden in your wardrobe,
1298
01:29:53,366 --> 01:29:56,164
and he had disappeared.
1299
01:29:56,286 --> 01:29:58,277
Who needs a body?
1300
01:29:59,406 --> 01:30:00,725
Sir.
1301
01:30:02,126 --> 01:30:03,445
Come along, then.
1302
01:30:03,566 --> 01:30:06,239
-lt's time to go, sir.
-No. l can't believe it...
1303
01:30:06,366 --> 01:30:09,961
l'm afraid, sir, that l must insist.
1304
01:30:10,086 --> 01:30:11,599
There is a police car
at the end of the driveway.
1305
01:30:11,726 --> 01:30:14,240
l don't care if there's
a fleet of police cars,
1306
01:30:14,366 --> 01:30:16,561
l'm not bloody well going!
1307
01:30:29,086 --> 01:30:31,077
Now, let's have no...
1308
01:30:31,206 --> 01:30:33,879
-Please, don't make it difficult.
-Christ, you're hurting my arm!
1309
01:30:34,006 --> 01:30:37,157
Really, you give me no alternative, sir.
lf you'll just cooperate.
1310
01:30:37,286 --> 01:30:39,322
Let me get my lawyer. lt's my right!
1311
01:30:39,446 --> 01:30:41,676
We can make a call
from the police station.
1312
01:30:41,806 --> 01:30:45,321
We wouldn't want
to do anything unconstitutional.
1313
01:30:45,446 --> 01:30:48,404
Come now, sir. Don't despair.
1314
01:30:48,526 --> 01:30:51,802
You may get off
with as little as seven years.
1315
01:30:51,926 --> 01:30:53,518
Seven years!
1316
01:30:53,646 --> 01:30:57,719
Seven years to regret
the playing of silly games
1317
01:30:57,846 --> 01:31:00,406
-that go wrong.
-Spare me the sermon if you don't mind!
1318
01:31:00,526 --> 01:31:02,960
lt didn't go wrong,
it all went bloody well right.
1319
01:31:03,086 --> 01:31:04,883
You think so, do you, sir?
1320
01:31:06,686 --> 01:31:09,837
We real life policemen are not as stupid
1321
01:31:09,966 --> 01:31:14,562
as we are sometimes portrayed
by writers like yourself.
1322
01:31:14,686 --> 01:31:16,677
We may not have our monocles,
1323
01:31:16,806 --> 01:31:22,278
or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers
or our shovel hats,
1324
01:31:22,486 --> 01:31:26,718
but we are reasonably effective,
for all that, sir.
1325
01:31:26,846 --> 01:31:30,282
You seem to know a hell of a lot
about detective stories, lnspector.
1326
01:31:30,406 --> 01:31:34,240
Yes, l have read quite a few
in my time, sir.
1327
01:31:34,566 --> 01:31:40,084
And in recent years, l have come
to believe that the detective story
1328
01:31:40,206 --> 01:31:43,118
is the normal recreation
of noble minds, sir.
1329
01:31:43,246 --> 01:31:46,044
Who or what the hell are you?
1330
01:31:51,206 --> 01:31:55,961
Detective lnspector Doppler, sir.
1331
01:31:58,806 --> 01:32:02,515
lt is spelt like "doppel",
1332
01:32:02,646 --> 01:32:08,118
which, as l'm sure you know,
means ''double'',
1333
01:32:09,686 --> 01:32:11,039
in German.
1334
01:32:12,606 --> 01:32:17,680
And for those whose minds
run to these things,
1335
01:32:19,446 --> 01:32:22,961
it is virtually an anagram
1336
01:32:23,766 --> 01:32:25,165
of the word
1337
01:32:25,686 --> 01:32:26,960
''plodder''.
1338
01:32:28,806 --> 01:32:31,081
So
1339
01:32:31,206 --> 01:32:33,640
lnspector Plodder
1340
01:32:34,646 --> 01:32:36,284
becomes
1341
01:32:36,406 --> 01:32:39,125
lnspector Doppler,
1342
01:32:42,006 --> 01:32:44,918
if you see what l mean,
1343
01:32:49,526 --> 01:32:50,515
sir.
1344
01:32:55,686 --> 01:32:57,005
Milo!
1345
01:32:57,886 --> 01:32:59,205
The same.
1346
01:33:00,126 --> 01:33:01,798
You shit.
1347
01:33:07,486 --> 01:33:12,606
You all-time, knock-down,
champion bastard, Milo.
1348
01:33:13,526 --> 01:33:15,084
You're too kind.
1349
01:33:23,166 --> 01:33:26,556
l'm not saying it wasn't well done,
it was extremely.
1350
01:33:26,686 --> 01:33:30,122
Yes, well, the thing was brilliant.
1351
01:33:30,286 --> 01:33:33,596
lncidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
1352
01:33:37,646 --> 01:33:39,557
Now he knows l'm funny.
1353
01:33:39,886 --> 01:33:41,797
Do have a drink, Milo.
1354
01:33:42,446 --> 01:33:44,038
l'm sorry. Do help yourself.
1355
01:33:44,166 --> 01:33:47,238
l'll have a wash first.
l'm covered in makeup and spirit gum.
1356
01:33:47,366 --> 01:33:51,359
-Of course, use the kitchen.
-No, l prefer the master bathroom.
1357
01:34:01,206 --> 01:34:03,595
Your very good health, sir.
1358
01:34:23,086 --> 01:34:26,965
l must say,
l must congratulate you, Milo.
1359
01:34:27,086 --> 01:34:28,804
lt was first class.
1360
01:34:29,606 --> 01:34:32,803
You sure had me going there
for a while.
1361
01:34:32,926 --> 01:34:34,279
For a while?
1362
01:34:39,166 --> 01:34:41,885
Well, it was quite a while, l concede.
1363
01:34:42,006 --> 01:34:44,395
But l got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know?
1364
01:34:44,526 --> 01:34:47,757
You did go on a bit, l thought.
1365
01:35:00,246 --> 01:35:02,919
What did you think of my performance?
1366
01:35:03,126 --> 01:35:07,199
The anguish of the innocent man
trapped by circumstantial evidence.
1367
01:35:07,486 --> 01:35:10,478
-lt wasn't a performance.
-Of course it was.
1368
01:35:10,606 --> 01:35:12,517
l had to be convincing.
1369
01:35:12,646 --> 01:35:14,602
Apparently l succeeded.
1370
01:35:15,166 --> 01:35:18,556
You just don't know how to lose at all,
do you, Andrew?
1371
01:35:19,006 --> 01:35:21,645
All that crap you gave old Doppler
1372
01:35:21,766 --> 01:35:23,882
about the gentry losing gracefully.
1373
01:35:24,006 --> 01:35:25,724
Jesus!
1374
01:35:25,846 --> 01:35:29,885
l told you, you did well.
lt was really good.
1375
01:35:30,166 --> 01:35:32,475
l loved your lnspector Doppler.
1376
01:35:32,606 --> 01:35:36,645
l'm glad you view the trifling
masquerade in that light, sir.
1377
01:35:36,766 --> 01:35:39,121
Your makeup was damned good.
First class.
1378
01:35:39,246 --> 01:35:43,478
-You didn't do that yourself, did you?
-l am a hair dresser, don't forget.
1379
01:35:43,686 --> 01:35:46,962
l do have friends in the arts.
1380
01:35:49,086 --> 01:35:52,396
l suppose you sneaked...
Slipped in here yesterday
1381
01:35:52,526 --> 01:35:54,801
-while l was in Salisbury.
-Yes.
1382
01:35:54,926 --> 01:35:57,565
Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe
1383
01:35:57,686 --> 01:36:01,645
and sprinkled a little sacrificial
blood onto the banisters.
1384
01:36:01,766 --> 01:36:05,520
lt wasn't my blood,
l know you'll be relieved to hear.
1385
01:36:05,726 --> 01:36:07,921
l got it from a pig's liver.
1386
01:36:08,326 --> 01:36:11,238
Thought you could've used
almost any dago wine.
1387
01:36:11,366 --> 01:36:12,845
l'll have that drink now.
1388
01:36:12,966 --> 01:36:14,558
-Of course.
-Gin and tonic, l think.
1389
01:36:14,686 --> 01:36:17,598
Well, you richly deserve it,
my dear fellow. Come along.
1390
01:36:20,966 --> 01:36:25,915
You know, l haven't congratulated you
yet on your game.
1391
01:36:27,086 --> 01:36:30,203
-lt was jolly good.
-You really think so? Good.
1392
01:36:30,326 --> 01:36:32,521
Must say l was rather
delighted with it myself.
1393
01:36:32,646 --> 01:36:33,965
l say,
1394
01:36:34,086 --> 01:36:37,965
did you really think
your last moment on earth had come?
1395
01:36:38,286 --> 01:36:39,401
Yes.
1396
01:36:39,886 --> 01:36:41,922
You're not cross, are you?
1397
01:36:43,246 --> 01:36:44,361
Cross?
1398
01:36:44,526 --> 01:36:46,278
l don't understand.
1399
01:36:46,406 --> 01:36:48,283
That's one of your words.
1400
01:36:48,526 --> 01:36:52,201
Look, as l explained to you
when you were playing Doppler,
1401
01:36:52,326 --> 01:36:55,841
l had to test your mettle to see if,
as l suspected,
1402
01:36:55,966 --> 01:36:58,434
you really were my sort of person.
1403
01:36:59,286 --> 01:37:02,198
-The games playing sort of person?
-Exactly.
1404
01:37:03,206 --> 01:37:06,118
-And am l?
-There's no question about it.
1405
01:37:06,566 --> 01:37:10,081
Compare your experience
this weekend, my dear Milo,
1406
01:37:10,206 --> 01:37:12,003
with any other moments in your life.
1407
01:37:12,126 --> 01:37:13,923
Now if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit
1408
01:37:14,046 --> 01:37:17,880
that you lived more intensely
in my company than in anybody else's,
1409
01:37:18,006 --> 01:37:19,997
not even with Marguerite.
1410
01:37:20,126 --> 01:37:23,436
Now, we know what it is to play a game,
1411
01:37:24,126 --> 01:37:25,479
you and l.
1412
01:37:26,006 --> 01:37:27,519
That's so rare.
1413
01:37:27,966 --> 01:37:31,242
Two people brought together,
equally matched,
1414
01:37:31,726 --> 01:37:34,923
having the courage and the talents
1415
01:37:35,046 --> 01:37:37,685
to make of life a continuing charade
1416
01:37:37,806 --> 01:37:41,765
of bright fancies, happy invention.
1417
01:37:42,206 --> 01:37:45,004
To face out its emptiness
1418
01:37:46,006 --> 01:37:50,284
and its terrors by playing.
1419
01:37:50,846 --> 01:37:53,804
By just playing.
1420
01:37:55,126 --> 01:37:56,400
Haven't you forgotten
1421
01:37:56,526 --> 01:37:59,518
the jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place?
1422
01:38:00,806 --> 01:38:03,764
We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
1423
01:38:03,926 --> 01:38:05,041
ln mine,
1424
01:38:05,166 --> 01:38:09,079
there was no time for bright fancies
and happy inventions.
1425
01:38:09,566 --> 01:38:11,284
No stopping for tea.
1426
01:38:12,486 --> 01:38:15,762
The only game we played
was to survive.
1427
01:38:16,406 --> 01:38:17,964
Or go to the wall.
1428
01:38:18,566 --> 01:38:20,955
lf you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
1429
01:38:21,086 --> 01:38:22,724
Loser, lose all.
1430
01:38:26,326 --> 01:38:28,123
You probably don't understand that.
1431
01:38:28,246 --> 01:38:31,318
Understand or not,
nothing you've said disproves my point.
1432
01:38:31,446 --> 01:38:33,164
Look at the way
you chose to get back at me
1433
01:38:33,286 --> 01:38:35,516
by playing lnspector Doppler.
1434
01:38:36,166 --> 01:38:37,645
Simple revenge.
1435
01:38:38,166 --> 01:38:39,918
Paying back in kind.
1436
01:38:41,846 --> 01:38:43,165
Every wop knows about that.
1437
01:38:43,286 --> 01:38:47,040
Well, is honour satisfied?
Score even? One set all?
1438
01:38:47,166 --> 01:38:48,201
Honour?
1439
01:38:51,246 --> 01:38:53,885
That's another one of your words.
1440
01:38:54,406 --> 01:38:56,636
l know
1441
01:38:56,766 --> 01:39:00,918
that you stripped me more than naked.
1442
01:39:01,046 --> 01:39:06,803
l know
that you actually terrified me to death.
1443
01:39:08,406 --> 01:39:11,398
l stood on those stairs, looking down,
1444
01:39:11,526 --> 01:39:15,155
and realising
that my coat sleeve button,
1445
01:39:15,286 --> 01:39:16,765
the banister,
1446
01:39:17,246 --> 01:39:20,124
the nail on my fourth finger
1447
01:39:20,446 --> 01:39:25,474
were absolutely the last things
l was gonna see. Ever.
1448
01:39:27,046 --> 01:39:31,244
Then, l heard the sound
1449
01:39:31,366 --> 01:39:33,004
of my own death.
1450
01:39:33,366 --> 01:39:35,561
Now, that changes you, Andrew.
1451
01:39:35,686 --> 01:39:37,085
Believe me.
1452
01:39:37,206 --> 01:39:39,276
And l still owe you for that.
1453
01:39:39,406 --> 01:39:41,078
lt'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow.
1454
01:39:41,206 --> 01:39:43,640
-Here, let me give you another...
-l don't want
1455
01:39:43,766 --> 01:39:45,165
an even score.
1456
01:39:45,286 --> 01:39:47,322
And don't you give me any of that
''one set all'',
1457
01:39:47,446 --> 01:39:50,006
or ''The game's the thing,
it's enough to take part'' crap.
1458
01:39:52,246 --> 01:39:54,282
My father just took part,
1459
01:39:54,606 --> 01:39:56,085
and his father,
1460
01:39:56,366 --> 01:39:57,799
and his father.
1461
01:39:57,926 --> 01:40:01,555
Losers! As far back as you can go.
1462
01:40:02,766 --> 01:40:04,643
Well, it stops with me!
1463
01:40:05,086 --> 01:40:07,554
With me, the Tindles start winning!
1464
01:40:09,206 --> 01:40:11,406
And others start losing.
1465
01:40:11,406 --> 01:40:11,644
And others start losing.
1466
01:40:15,766 --> 01:40:17,836
You, for example.
1467
01:40:18,926 --> 01:40:19,915
Me?
1468
01:40:20,926 --> 01:40:22,757
-Lose what?
-A new game.
1469
01:40:23,286 --> 01:40:26,642
My kind. My rules, played my way.
1470
01:40:27,326 --> 01:40:28,759
And to start it,
1471
01:40:29,046 --> 01:40:30,957
l have killed someone.
1472
01:40:31,686 --> 01:40:33,165
You've killed someone.
1473
01:40:33,526 --> 01:40:35,676
Murdered someone. Committed murder.
1474
01:40:35,806 --> 01:40:37,478
You're not serious?
1475
01:40:38,446 --> 01:40:39,595
Deadly.
1476
01:40:40,206 --> 01:40:41,878
lt's a real game
1477
01:40:42,086 --> 01:40:43,724
and a real murder.
1478
01:40:44,326 --> 01:40:48,956
There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game, isn't that right?
1479
01:40:49,086 --> 01:40:52,442
-Absolutely not.
-We're past pretending now.
1480
01:40:53,246 --> 01:40:55,441
We'll leave that to the amateurs.
1481
01:40:55,566 --> 01:40:57,318
The gentlemen players, like you.
1482
01:40:57,606 --> 01:40:59,915
Look, Milo. l think perhaps another time.
1483
01:41:00,046 --> 01:41:03,755
-lt can't wait!
-All right, all right.
1484
01:41:03,886 --> 01:41:05,683
We'll play your game.
1485
01:41:05,966 --> 01:41:07,763
Now whom did you kill?
1486
01:41:08,686 --> 01:41:10,802
Whom? Whom?
1487
01:41:11,846 --> 01:41:17,842
Who, besides yourself, is the closest
to being someone you care about?
1488
01:41:18,046 --> 01:41:20,844
Would it be your girlfriend, Tea?
1489
01:41:22,246 --> 01:41:23,565
Possibly.
1490
01:41:24,486 --> 01:41:25,521
Why?
1491
01:41:25,886 --> 01:41:27,285
She's the one.
1492
01:41:29,726 --> 01:41:31,318
You killed Tea?
1493
01:41:31,606 --> 01:41:37,124
She, whose cobalt eyes were
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
1494
01:41:38,046 --> 01:41:39,798
l closed them.
1495
01:41:41,806 --> 01:41:44,161
-You?
-Yes, l strangled her.
1496
01:41:45,166 --> 01:41:49,125
Right over there, on that rug,
l strangled her.
1497
01:41:49,406 --> 01:41:54,275
And, yes, l screwed her first.
1498
01:41:56,926 --> 01:41:59,360
You raped and strangled...
1499
01:41:59,486 --> 01:42:01,044
No, not rape.
1500
01:42:01,686 --> 01:42:03,483
She wanted it.
1501
01:42:03,606 --> 01:42:05,039
You're lying.
1502
01:42:06,966 --> 01:42:09,434
You can't take me
with a crude game like this.
1503
01:42:09,566 --> 01:42:12,285
Honestly, Milo,
l gave you credit for better sport.
1504
01:42:12,406 --> 01:42:16,843
When l was here yesterday, planting
the blood and clothes for old Doppler,
1505
01:42:16,966 --> 01:42:19,799
Tea showed up looking for you,
1506
01:42:19,926 --> 01:42:21,723
so l pitched her a little woo,
1507
01:42:21,846 --> 01:42:25,236
as you would've said in your day,
and we danced cheek-to-cheek
1508
01:42:25,366 --> 01:42:28,324
to those cornball big band oldies
of yours.
1509
01:42:28,446 --> 01:42:30,596
l mean, who but you would have them?
1510
01:42:30,806 --> 01:42:32,797
Anyway, it worked.
1511
01:42:33,326 --> 01:42:36,318
She got itchy,
and l had to scratch, didn't l?
1512
01:42:36,646 --> 01:42:38,955
And afterwards, she got sleepy.
1513
01:42:39,086 --> 01:42:42,840
And that's when l did it, old boy.
l wrung her neck.
1514
01:42:44,446 --> 01:42:46,596
She was under
that freshly dug mound of earth
1515
01:42:46,726 --> 01:42:50,241
-that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
-Was? You mean, she's not now?
1516
01:42:50,366 --> 01:42:51,765
No, l moved her.
1517
01:42:51,886 --> 01:42:54,354
Where to? The flooded gravel pit?
1518
01:42:54,486 --> 01:42:58,604
-Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory?
-lt doesn't matter where to.
1519
01:42:58,726 --> 01:43:01,524
The police will find her in due course,
if they haven't found her already.
1520
01:43:01,646 --> 01:43:02,681
The police?
1521
01:43:02,806 --> 01:43:05,195
Yes, l phoned them about an hour ago
1522
01:43:05,326 --> 01:43:08,284
and asked them
to meet me here at 10:00.
1523
01:43:08,406 --> 01:43:11,318
They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
1524
01:43:12,086 --> 01:43:14,156
l'm sure they will, too.
1525
01:43:14,286 --> 01:43:18,962
Led, no doubt,
by intrepid, downy lnspector Doppler.
1526
01:43:19,086 --> 01:43:21,554
Nope. lt'll be a real cop, all right.
1527
01:43:21,766 --> 01:43:25,998
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
is his name. Check it, if you like.
1528
01:43:27,246 --> 01:43:29,680
l told him a lot about you, Andrew.
1529
01:43:29,806 --> 01:43:33,116
l said l knew you to be a man
obsessed with games playing
1530
01:43:33,246 --> 01:43:35,760
and murder considered as a fine art.
1531
01:43:35,886 --> 01:43:39,276
Your life's great ambition, l said,
of which you had often spoken,
1532
01:43:39,406 --> 01:43:42,159
was to commit
an actual, real-life murder,
1533
01:43:42,286 --> 01:43:45,198
hide the body, then leave clues
linking you with the crime
1534
01:43:45,326 --> 01:43:46,805
scattered about the house.
1535
01:43:46,926 --> 01:43:49,565
Convinced that the poor,
simple-minded police
1536
01:43:49,686 --> 01:43:52,644
would never recognise them
for what they were.
1537
01:43:52,766 --> 01:43:55,883
''Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest
until he's committed a real murder,
1538
01:43:56,006 --> 01:43:58,566
''which is gonna make fools
out of all you coppers.''
1539
01:43:58,686 --> 01:43:59,914
Honestly.
1540
01:44:00,286 --> 01:44:01,878
Tell that to the average desk sergeant,
1541
01:44:02,006 --> 01:44:05,840
and you'll find yourself strapped
straight into the giggle jacket.
1542
01:44:05,966 --> 01:44:07,604
Not so, in fact.
1543
01:44:07,886 --> 01:44:12,277
l told them that if they didn't believe me,
one look at your books
1544
01:44:12,406 --> 01:44:15,523
and the furnishings of your house
would confirm what l said
1545
01:44:15,646 --> 01:44:18,080
about your obsessions.
1546
01:44:24,566 --> 01:44:27,603
l also told them that two days ago
1547
01:44:27,726 --> 01:44:30,524
your girlfriend
came to my house in great distress,
1548
01:44:30,646 --> 01:44:33,797
saying that you suspected her
of having affairs with other men,
1549
01:44:33,926 --> 01:44:35,484
and threatened to kill her.
1550
01:44:35,606 --> 01:44:38,166
l bet they believed every word of that.
1551
01:44:38,286 --> 01:44:40,675
ln the end, yes, they did.
1552
01:44:43,606 --> 01:44:45,756
My dear boy.
1553
01:44:46,486 --> 01:44:48,477
l do appreciate that
in spite of your denials
1554
01:44:48,606 --> 01:44:51,074
you've been captivated
by the spirit of games playing,
1555
01:44:51,206 --> 01:44:53,481
and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost,
1556
01:44:53,606 --> 01:44:57,440
but frankly, you are trying too hard
1557
01:44:57,566 --> 01:45:00,285
to be a big boy, too soon.
1558
01:45:09,366 --> 01:45:10,355
Hello.
1559
01:45:10,486 --> 01:45:13,284
Hello, Joyce? lt's Andrew.
1560
01:45:13,406 --> 01:45:15,522
Can... Can l speak to Tea?
1561
01:45:18,766 --> 01:45:21,121
She... What?
1562
01:45:23,206 --> 01:45:25,037
Been strangled?
1563
01:45:27,566 --> 01:45:29,045
Where was this?
1564
01:45:29,766 --> 01:45:31,882
When was it?
1565
01:45:32,126 --> 01:45:33,764
Where was she found?
1566
01:45:34,046 --> 01:45:35,115
What?
1567
01:45:36,966 --> 01:45:38,194
Joyce.
1568
01:45:38,326 --> 01:45:39,884
l can't understand what you...
1569
01:45:40,006 --> 01:45:42,440
Look, do try to control your...
1570
01:45:43,686 --> 01:45:44,755
What?
1571
01:45:46,126 --> 01:45:47,354
The police...
1572
01:45:48,206 --> 01:45:49,275
Asking...
1573
01:45:51,446 --> 01:45:52,595
Oh, my.
1574
01:45:59,566 --> 01:46:02,080
You should've believed me.
1575
01:46:02,206 --> 01:46:04,595
Now, we're gonna play the game.
1576
01:46:04,726 --> 01:46:08,958
ln a little over 13 minutes
the law will arrive.
1577
01:46:09,246 --> 01:46:11,601
lt's going to be your giant brain
1578
01:46:12,006 --> 01:46:14,201
against their plodding ones.
1579
01:46:14,326 --> 01:46:16,840
Concealed about this room
1580
01:46:16,966 --> 01:46:21,278
are four clues incriminating
you as Tea's murderer.
1581
01:46:22,006 --> 01:46:26,363
lncluding, as a final expression
of your contempt for the police,
1582
01:46:26,486 --> 01:46:28,442
the murder weapon itself.
1583
01:46:29,326 --> 01:46:30,998
Now, are you ready?
1584
01:46:33,566 --> 01:46:37,002
You can't make a game
out of real murder.
1585
01:46:37,206 --> 01:46:38,685
We'll see.
1586
01:46:38,806 --> 01:46:40,524
Now, remember,
1587
01:46:40,646 --> 01:46:41,920
four objects.
1588
01:46:42,046 --> 01:46:45,163
Those that you don't find,
be sure the police will.
1589
01:46:45,286 --> 01:46:47,846
And they're all in plain view.
1590
01:46:47,966 --> 01:46:50,480
And the first object is
1591
01:46:50,606 --> 01:46:52,437
a crystal bracelet.
1592
01:46:53,806 --> 01:46:55,478
-The... What?
-Yes.
1593
01:46:56,126 --> 01:47:00,085
-l tore it off her wrist. lt's inscribed...
-All right. All right!
1594
01:47:00,206 --> 01:47:02,197
l know how it's inscribed.
1595
01:47:39,646 --> 01:47:42,399
-Would you like some help?
-Yes. Damn you!
1596
01:47:42,606 --> 01:47:43,800
So soon?
1597
01:47:44,366 --> 01:47:46,482
Now, where's my list?
1598
01:47:46,606 --> 01:47:48,358
-Oh, God.
-Here it is.
1599
01:47:49,606 --> 01:47:51,722
''For any man with half an eye
1600
01:47:51,846 --> 01:47:54,599
''what stands before him he may spy
1601
01:47:54,726 --> 01:47:59,880
''but optics sharp it needs and keen
to see what is not to be seen.''
1602
01:48:00,006 --> 01:48:02,361
You said everything was in plain view!
1603
01:48:02,486 --> 01:48:04,636
Well, aren't l
the shifty old sly boots, then?
1604
01:48:04,766 --> 01:48:07,519
You're not giving me anything
of a chance, you bastard!
1605
01:48:07,646 --> 01:48:10,035
Now, think, think, think.
1606
01:48:10,166 --> 01:48:13,636
lt's in plain view, yet not to be seen.
An optical trick's involved.
1607
01:48:13,766 --> 01:48:17,475
An optical...
A key to see what is not to be seen
1608
01:48:18,766 --> 01:48:21,883
by the naked eye. lt's microscopic.
1609
01:48:22,006 --> 01:48:25,521
Only a fragment of it is showing.
That's it.
1610
01:48:25,646 --> 01:48:28,604
The traditional tool of your trade,
lnspector?
1611
01:48:33,566 --> 01:48:35,397
Why don't you ask yourself
1612
01:48:35,526 --> 01:48:39,235
how your man Merrydick,
would go about the search?
1613
01:48:39,366 --> 01:48:41,755
Merridew! St John Lord Merridew!
1614
01:48:41,886 --> 01:48:43,797
Calm. Keep calm.
1615
01:48:43,926 --> 01:48:45,723
Think.
What are the properties of crystal?
1616
01:48:45,846 --> 01:48:46,995
Hard,
1617
01:48:47,126 --> 01:48:48,275
brilliant,
1618
01:48:48,406 --> 01:48:49,839
transparent.
1619
01:48:51,246 --> 01:48:55,239
You look through it, but you don't see it.
That's the trick.
1620
01:48:55,886 --> 01:48:58,923
Now, the only place to conceal
a transparent thing,
1621
01:48:59,046 --> 01:49:02,163
so as to make it invisible,
and yet leave it in plain view
1622
01:49:02,286 --> 01:49:05,164
is on or in
another transparent thing like...
1623
01:49:05,286 --> 01:49:06,435
Like!
1624
01:49:14,926 --> 01:49:16,518
Clear as crystal.
1625
01:49:17,846 --> 01:49:20,644
But l don't need to destroy this, do l?
1626
01:49:20,766 --> 01:49:23,200
-She could've left it here anytime.
-True.
1627
01:49:23,326 --> 01:49:24,645
Go on. What next?
1628
01:49:24,766 --> 01:49:28,042
The next object
is much more incriminating.
1629
01:49:28,166 --> 01:49:29,804
Here's a little riddle, which l'm sure
1630
01:49:29,926 --> 01:49:32,520
one of your nannies
must have taught you.
1631
01:49:32,686 --> 01:49:35,484
Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
1632
01:49:35,606 --> 01:49:38,074
On which we are bitterly pressed
1633
01:49:38,206 --> 01:49:40,481
The truth is to say
We are full all the day
1634
01:49:40,606 --> 01:49:42,722
And empty when we go to rest
1635
01:49:42,846 --> 01:49:45,883
l know that. l know that.
Hold on. Just a minute.
1636
01:49:46,006 --> 01:49:49,396
Full all the day, empty when we go...
l know! lt's a pair of shoes!
1637
01:49:49,526 --> 01:49:53,155
ln this case, one lady's left black shoe,
size 6.
1638
01:49:54,966 --> 01:49:58,356
The other, l need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
1639
01:49:58,486 --> 01:50:00,044
God! Poor Tea.
1640
01:50:04,286 --> 01:50:05,878
Poor Tea, eh?
1641
01:50:06,006 --> 01:50:07,519
That's better.
1642
01:50:07,686 --> 01:50:09,881
Do you know that's
the first sign of sorrow you've shown
1643
01:50:10,006 --> 01:50:12,839
since you heard of her death?
1644
01:50:12,966 --> 01:50:14,399
You wouldn't put it here, anyway.
1645
01:50:14,526 --> 01:50:17,324
Or even upstairs
among Marguerite's shoes.
1646
01:50:17,446 --> 01:50:20,995
-Too obvious.
-Such grief is touching.
1647
01:50:21,126 --> 01:50:24,436
You really are the salt of the earth,
you know that, Andrew?
1648
01:50:24,566 --> 01:50:27,126
By the way,
that's a clue, if you're interested.
1649
01:50:28,006 --> 01:50:29,564
Salt of the earth? Earth?
1650
01:50:29,686 --> 01:50:31,483
lt's buried... No, you buried the other.
1651
01:50:31,606 --> 01:50:34,882
Salt, salt...
Salt and pepper. Saltpeter...
1652
01:50:35,006 --> 01:50:37,236
Salt water... Salt... Cellar!
1653
01:50:37,366 --> 01:50:39,038
lt's in the cellar!
1654
01:51:12,326 --> 01:51:15,159
You're really turned on,
aren't you, Andrew?
1655
01:51:16,646 --> 01:51:20,525
Even though the game you're playing
is for your own life.
1656
01:51:21,126 --> 01:51:23,481
You're practically having it off.
1657
01:51:24,126 --> 01:51:25,525
Shoe, shoe!
1658
01:51:25,646 --> 01:51:27,284
l ask myself,
1659
01:51:27,406 --> 01:51:30,478
''lf l was a black shoe,
where would l hide?
1660
01:51:30,606 --> 01:51:33,404
''lf l was as black as your hat.
1661
01:51:33,526 --> 01:51:36,643
''lf l was as black as the ace of spades.
1662
01:51:36,766 --> 01:51:39,360
-''lf l was as black as...''
-Coal!
1663
01:51:41,566 --> 01:51:43,318
Dirty bastard!
1664
01:51:53,766 --> 01:51:55,916
You dirty son of a bitch!
1665
01:51:59,726 --> 01:52:01,239
You're getting warmer,
1666
01:52:01,366 --> 01:52:03,243
and blacker.
1667
01:52:03,366 --> 01:52:05,755
Must be quite a new experience for you.
1668
01:52:05,886 --> 01:52:07,638
l don't suppose blacks
play much of a part
1669
01:52:07,766 --> 01:52:09,119
in the books you write, do they?
1670
01:52:09,246 --> 01:52:12,761
Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie
1671
01:52:12,886 --> 01:52:16,003
to take his place
alongside the swarthy yid,
1672
01:52:16,126 --> 01:52:19,721
the oily Levantine
and others of their kind.
1673
01:52:34,686 --> 01:52:36,324
Oh, l'm sorry it's so messy.
1674
01:52:36,446 --> 01:52:38,243
lt's only earth.
1675
01:52:38,366 --> 01:52:41,005
From Tea's first grave in your garden.
1676
01:52:46,726 --> 01:52:48,762
Not so bad.
We're up of the clock, l think.
1677
01:52:48,886 --> 01:52:51,719
-Barely.
-Well, what's next?
1678
01:52:53,846 --> 01:52:56,280
What do you find so damned amusing?
1679
01:52:57,126 --> 01:52:59,515
What the hell are you laughing at?
1680
01:53:01,646 --> 01:53:04,240
-Are you sure you're all right?
-Yes, l'm all right.
1681
01:53:04,366 --> 01:53:06,004
-Jack.
-Jack?
1682
01:53:06,126 --> 01:53:07,525
Simple minded twit!
1683
01:53:07,646 --> 01:53:08,999
You've been handing me the clue
all along.
1684
01:53:09,126 --> 01:53:12,038
lt's Jolly Jack Tar. lt's on the sailor.
1685
01:53:12,166 --> 01:53:13,235
True!
1686
01:53:13,366 --> 01:53:15,118
That's where it is.
1687
01:53:16,526 --> 01:53:21,236
But this time,
l am not going to tell you what it is.
1688
01:53:21,526 --> 01:53:22,845
All right.
1689
01:54:08,006 --> 01:54:10,361
He looked disappointed in you.
1690
01:54:10,486 --> 01:54:12,920
But then, it's no laughing matter.
1691
01:54:13,486 --> 01:54:14,714
Or is it?
1692
01:54:19,366 --> 01:54:20,845
Do that again.
1693
01:54:23,646 --> 01:54:26,240
My God,
he's never winked at me before.
1694
01:54:41,526 --> 01:54:45,121
l suppose the other lash
is on one of poor Tea's eyes.
1695
01:54:45,646 --> 01:54:47,079
She won't miss it.
1696
01:54:47,206 --> 01:54:48,924
They're both closed.
1697
01:54:50,846 --> 01:54:52,643
How much more time?
1698
01:54:52,766 --> 01:54:56,236
You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, l'd say.
1699
01:54:56,366 --> 01:54:58,834
There's one more thing left, l think,
the murder weapon.
1700
01:54:58,966 --> 01:55:00,558
You strangled her over there,
with what?
1701
01:55:00,686 --> 01:55:05,362
-A rope, belt, scarf...
-lt bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
1702
01:55:06,926 --> 01:55:08,518
l had to pry it loose.
1703
01:55:08,646 --> 01:55:12,719
You'll pay for that, l promise,
you sadistic bloody wop!
1704
01:55:12,846 --> 01:55:15,314
l hope l didn't hear that correctly.
1705
01:55:19,086 --> 01:55:21,441
You're certain to need more help.
1706
01:55:22,166 --> 01:55:25,522
l'd hate to have to start giving you
difficult ltalian clues,
1707
01:55:25,646 --> 01:55:29,719
-full of treachery and double meaning.
-All right. All right.
1708
01:55:31,446 --> 01:55:34,404
As several wops have remarked
from time to time...
1709
01:55:37,166 --> 01:55:38,918
Was that a clue?
1710
01:55:39,606 --> 01:55:41,562
Say the damn thing again.
1711
01:55:43,886 --> 01:55:45,763
No. Once more, please.
1712
01:55:55,246 --> 01:55:57,043
What's the time. No...
1713
01:55:58,166 --> 01:55:59,235
No.
1714
01:56:01,086 --> 01:56:02,405
Gold, gold!
1715
01:56:03,846 --> 01:56:05,074
All gold!
1716
01:56:10,326 --> 01:56:11,918
Gold scintillates?
1717
01:56:12,046 --> 01:56:14,082
Glitters.
1718
01:56:14,206 --> 01:56:16,481
All that glisters is not gold.
1719
01:56:16,606 --> 01:56:18,483
There will always be an England.
1720
01:56:18,606 --> 01:56:21,439
You strangled her
with something golden and scintillating.
1721
01:56:25,206 --> 01:56:29,165
What's that? A musical clue.
Right. Now, golden notes,
1722
01:56:29,286 --> 01:56:32,642
golden scales, golden... lt's a chord!
1723
01:56:32,766 --> 01:56:35,883
You strangled her with a golden cord,
and like everybody does,
1724
01:56:36,006 --> 01:56:38,804
you hid it behind the bell pull!
1725
01:56:38,926 --> 01:56:40,882
No, damn it, you didn't.
1726
01:56:44,806 --> 01:56:47,115
Anything goes in olden days!
1727
01:56:47,246 --> 01:56:49,635
ln olden days a glimpse of stocking
1728
01:56:49,766 --> 01:56:51,358
Was looked on as something shock...
1729
01:56:51,486 --> 01:56:55,274
Stocking! Where do you put stockings?
1730
01:56:55,406 --> 01:56:58,682
On legs. Legs! The golden legs.
1731
01:57:00,046 --> 01:57:02,685
Not a golden leg in the blasted house.
1732
01:57:04,126 --> 01:57:05,798
ls it in this room?
1733
01:57:10,926 --> 01:57:12,120
Bastard!
1734
01:57:15,566 --> 01:57:18,444
ln olden days a glimpse of stocking
1735
01:57:18,566 --> 01:57:20,875
Was looked at as something shocking
1736
01:57:21,006 --> 01:57:24,794
Now heaven knows, anything goes
1737
01:57:26,046 --> 01:57:29,322
The world has gone mad today
And good...
1738
01:57:40,406 --> 01:57:42,556
l think l can hear something.
1739
01:57:50,886 --> 01:57:52,001
Andrew!
1740
01:57:52,126 --> 01:57:53,161
Andrew!
1741
01:57:53,286 --> 01:57:54,355
What?
1742
01:57:54,486 --> 01:57:56,875
They're here. The police are here.
1743
01:58:00,166 --> 01:58:02,236
lt looks like you've had it.
1744
01:58:02,366 --> 01:58:04,596
-They're coming up the drive.
-Keep them out!
1745
01:58:04,726 --> 01:58:06,079
Keep the police out?
1746
01:58:06,206 --> 01:58:07,764
lt's just not done, old boy.
1747
01:58:07,886 --> 01:58:09,683
But still, l'll try.
1748
01:58:11,166 --> 01:58:13,919
Just one more minute.
1749
01:58:14,046 --> 01:58:17,436
Stall them somehow. Please!
1750
01:58:17,566 --> 01:58:18,840
Remember,
1751
01:58:18,966 --> 01:58:20,797
in olden days
1752
01:58:20,926 --> 01:58:23,759
a glimpse of stocking.
1753
01:58:26,846 --> 01:58:27,835
Mr Tindle?
1754
01:58:27,966 --> 01:58:30,434
-Olden days...
-l wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
1755
01:58:30,566 --> 01:58:33,034
-Glimpse...
-Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
1756
01:58:33,166 --> 01:58:34,918
Olden days...
1757
01:58:35,046 --> 01:58:36,877
Before tights, what?
1758
01:58:37,006 --> 01:58:39,725
Nylon. Before nylon, what?
1759
01:58:39,846 --> 01:58:41,074
Silk.
1760
01:58:41,486 --> 01:58:45,399
Well, what else. What...
1761
01:58:52,606 --> 01:58:53,721
Clock.
1762
01:58:58,926 --> 01:59:02,680
Stockings had clocks.
1763
01:59:02,806 --> 01:59:04,364
ln olden days...
1764
01:59:14,206 --> 01:59:15,480
Glimpse...
1765
01:59:18,966 --> 01:59:21,161
Now you see it,
1766
01:59:21,286 --> 01:59:22,719
now you don't.
1767
02:00:21,046 --> 02:00:24,038
lt wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant.
1768
02:00:24,166 --> 02:00:26,282
Why don't l have a go at it?
1769
02:00:26,646 --> 02:00:29,035
Well, surely...
1770
02:00:39,726 --> 02:00:42,081
Just let me tell him you're here.
1771
02:00:47,166 --> 02:00:48,315
Andrew.
1772
02:00:48,446 --> 02:00:49,720
ls it all right if l introduce
1773
02:00:49,846 --> 02:00:52,838
Detective Sergeant Tarrant
and Constable Higgs?
1774
02:00:54,566 --> 02:00:57,797
Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen.
1775
02:00:57,926 --> 02:01:00,486
Come in, do have...
1776
02:01:06,126 --> 02:01:10,563
Or should l say, lnspector Plodder
1777
02:01:10,686 --> 02:01:13,405
and Constable Freshface.
1778
02:01:16,926 --> 02:01:20,362
Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
1779
02:01:21,526 --> 02:01:22,675
That's all right, sir.
1780
02:01:22,806 --> 02:01:26,515
Better to be safe than sorry,
that's what l always say, sir.
1781
02:01:26,926 --> 02:01:29,884
-Good night, Sergeant.
-Good night, sir.
1782
02:01:31,246 --> 02:01:33,043
Good night, Constable.
1783
02:01:34,406 --> 02:01:35,998
Good night, sir.
1784
02:01:56,086 --> 02:01:59,203
First, l suppose
you'll want to know about Tea.
1785
02:01:59,926 --> 02:02:00,995
She did call yesterday
1786
02:02:01,126 --> 02:02:04,038
while l was setting up
the Doppler scene,
1787
02:02:04,166 --> 02:02:07,078
and l told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun,
1788
02:02:07,206 --> 02:02:08,719
and she wasn't a bit surprised.
1789
02:02:08,846 --> 02:02:11,804
She knows only too well
the kind of games you like to play,
1790
02:02:11,926 --> 02:02:15,680
the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
1791
02:02:16,886 --> 02:02:21,641
l explained to her that l wanted
to play a game and get even with you,
1792
02:02:21,766 --> 02:02:26,362
and l asked her to lend me a stocking,
a shoe, a false eyelash
1793
02:02:26,486 --> 02:02:29,523
and that bracelet that you'd bought her.
1794
02:02:31,406 --> 02:02:34,478
And she was happy to help,
1795
02:02:34,606 --> 02:02:36,881
and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
1796
02:02:41,166 --> 02:02:43,361
Would you like to phone Tea?
1797
02:02:45,006 --> 02:02:46,883
She'll talk to you now.
1798
02:02:50,246 --> 02:02:54,159
But then, you wouldn't have very much
to say to her, would you?
1799
02:02:56,166 --> 02:02:58,805
She's not really your mistress, is she?
1800
02:03:01,086 --> 02:03:06,160
She told me that you and her
haven't made it together for over a year.
1801
02:03:08,526 --> 02:03:13,316
She also told me
that you are practically impotent.
1802
02:03:14,486 --> 02:03:18,798
Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice
for the next Olympics.
1803
02:03:20,246 --> 02:03:21,998
l warned you, Andrew.
1804
02:03:24,126 --> 02:03:26,481
l don't play games for the sport!
1805
02:03:28,286 --> 02:03:31,562
Particularly not games of humiliation.
1806
02:03:34,806 --> 02:03:36,956
l know too much about that.
1807
02:03:45,046 --> 02:03:46,764
Where are you going?
1808
02:03:48,526 --> 02:03:51,165
l'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
1809
02:03:52,566 --> 02:03:54,841
-She's not coming back?
-No.
1810
02:04:03,246 --> 02:04:04,645
l live
1811
02:04:05,846 --> 02:04:07,757
as l want to live.
1812
02:04:07,886 --> 02:04:11,765
You know, l've been
thinking of that writer you told me about.
1813
02:04:11,886 --> 02:04:15,356
And it is my opinion
that your detective stories
1814
02:04:15,486 --> 02:04:19,843
are the normal recreation
of snobbish, out-dated,
1815
02:04:19,966 --> 02:04:22,605
life-hating, ignoble minds.
1816
02:04:23,846 --> 02:04:25,686
l'll get that fur coat now.
1817
02:04:25,686 --> 02:04:25,924
l'll get that fur coat now.
1818
02:04:41,846 --> 02:04:43,120
You see.
1819
02:04:44,726 --> 02:04:46,045
You see.
1820
02:04:49,446 --> 02:04:50,720
lnspector,
1821
02:04:52,526 --> 02:04:54,517
l was working in my study
1822
02:04:55,366 --> 02:04:57,516
when l heard a noise in here,
1823
02:04:59,406 --> 02:05:02,637
so l took my revolver,
1824
02:05:04,006 --> 02:05:05,883
and l came in here
1825
02:05:06,046 --> 02:05:07,559
to investigate.
1826
02:05:09,486 --> 02:05:11,397
Here was this young man
1827
02:05:12,446 --> 02:05:14,357
running down the stairs
1828
02:05:14,926 --> 02:05:18,077
with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
1829
02:05:19,766 --> 02:05:21,802
l shouted for him to stop,
1830
02:05:22,286 --> 02:05:24,720
but he wouldn't pay any attention,
1831
02:05:25,166 --> 02:05:27,361
but ran on towards the door
1832
02:05:28,446 --> 02:05:30,437
hoping to make his escape.
1833
02:05:31,366 --> 02:05:33,960
Naturally, l fired.
1834
02:05:36,046 --> 02:05:37,843
l aimed low.
1835
02:05:39,006 --> 02:05:41,156
Believe me, lnspector, l did.
1836
02:05:42,086 --> 02:05:44,475
The most appalling thing happened.
1837
02:05:45,966 --> 02:05:47,558
l shot him dead.
1838
02:05:52,806 --> 02:05:54,364
That's all right, sir.
1839
02:05:54,646 --> 02:05:56,921
Don't distress yourself unduly.
1840
02:05:57,046 --> 02:05:59,765
A thing like that
could happen to anyone.
1841
02:06:14,606 --> 02:06:16,483
l can't let you go now.
1842
02:06:17,966 --> 02:06:19,558
What do you mean?
1843
02:06:20,246 --> 02:06:21,679
Going about
1844
02:06:22,046 --> 02:06:23,764
telling everyone.
1845
02:06:24,686 --> 02:06:26,517
lt's just not possible.
1846
02:06:26,646 --> 02:06:28,921
Who... Whom would l tell?
1847
02:06:30,486 --> 02:06:31,805
Who'd be interested?
1848
02:06:31,926 --> 02:06:35,236
One person would be too many,
even Marguerite.
1849
02:06:35,366 --> 02:06:36,435
Especially Marguerite.
1850
02:06:36,566 --> 02:06:38,557
What are you going to do then, Andrew?
1851
02:06:38,686 --> 02:06:40,085
Shoot me down?
1852
02:06:40,206 --> 02:06:43,084
-Play that old burglar game again?
-That's right.
1853
02:06:43,206 --> 02:06:45,561
-lt wouldn't work now.
-No?
1854
02:06:46,886 --> 02:06:48,399
Why not l wonder.
1855
02:06:48,526 --> 02:06:52,724
Because of what really happened
after l left here last Friday night.
1856
02:06:54,206 --> 02:06:56,879
What really happened?
1857
02:06:57,006 --> 02:06:58,997
l did lurch home
1858
02:06:59,126 --> 02:07:02,675
dazed, dirty and humiliated.
1859
02:07:04,086 --> 02:07:06,042
And l sat up all night.
1860
02:07:08,366 --> 02:07:09,799
And in the morning,
1861
02:07:09,926 --> 02:07:12,156
l went to the police station
1862
02:07:12,846 --> 02:07:15,440
and l told them what you'd done to me.
1863
02:07:16,326 --> 02:07:18,396
And one of them,
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
1864
02:07:18,526 --> 02:07:20,198
yes, he's real.
1865
02:07:21,246 --> 02:07:24,682
He took me into a little room,
and we had a long chat,
1866
02:07:25,566 --> 02:07:28,444
but l don't think
he paid very much attention
1867
02:07:28,566 --> 02:07:30,284
to anything l said.
1868
02:07:31,406 --> 02:07:33,397
So l thought to myself,
1869
02:07:34,366 --> 02:07:36,402
''He's not gonna do anything about this.''
1870
02:07:36,526 --> 02:07:39,359
No? Why not?
1871
02:07:40,806 --> 02:07:43,798
You know the answer to that
just as well as l do.
1872
02:07:43,926 --> 02:07:46,918
ln his eyes,
l'm just some common little git
1873
02:07:47,286 --> 02:07:48,924
who's been screwing the wife
of a local noble
1874
02:07:49,046 --> 02:07:50,399
and got what he deserved.
1875
02:07:50,526 --> 02:07:54,201
So perhaps the police won't come by
as l said they would,
1876
02:07:54,326 --> 02:07:56,123
but even if they don't,
1877
02:07:56,246 --> 02:08:00,125
they'd never believe
that burglar story of yours. Not now.
1878
02:08:01,246 --> 02:08:03,237
So, you see, you've lost.
1879
02:08:05,806 --> 02:08:08,479
You can't fool me any more, Milo.
1880
02:08:09,766 --> 02:08:12,803
l haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
1881
02:08:12,926 --> 02:08:14,405
lt's the truth.
1882
02:08:16,406 --> 02:08:17,680
Liar.
1883
02:08:17,806 --> 02:08:20,798
Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
1884
02:08:21,806 --> 02:08:26,243
You come here and announce
your intention to steal away my wife.
1885
02:08:26,926 --> 02:08:30,123
You pry into my manhood,
1886
02:08:30,246 --> 02:08:34,842
you lecture me on ignoble minds
1887
02:08:36,286 --> 02:08:39,483
and you mock the creation of my life,
1888
02:08:40,446 --> 02:08:43,404
St John Lord Merridew.
1889
02:08:47,806 --> 02:08:51,879
Well, they're all real bullets this time.
1890
02:08:55,406 --> 02:08:57,362
The game's over, Andrew.
1891
02:08:59,406 --> 02:09:01,078
l'm going home now.
1892
02:09:16,326 --> 02:09:19,318
Milo, you do see
1893
02:09:20,206 --> 02:09:23,596
l'm not really a very good games player.
1894
02:09:23,726 --> 02:09:25,637
l mean to say,
1895
02:09:25,766 --> 02:09:29,884
never play the same game
three times running.
1896
02:10:50,846 --> 02:10:51,995
Andrew?
1897
02:10:53,966 --> 02:10:55,399
Don't forget.
1898
02:10:56,646 --> 02:10:59,001
Be sure and tell them
1899
02:11:00,286 --> 02:11:01,719
it was just
1900
02:11:03,166 --> 02:11:05,361
a bloody game.