Yeah. Okay, Ernie, that'll be just fine. We'll see you in a few minutes.
Bye-bye.
Marion, Joanie, we're gonna have a family meeting.
Good. I like it when we do things together.
Richie, come on down, front and centre.
I hate family meetings. I always end up losing part of my allowance.
- Chuck's not here. - Well, I'll be his proxy, Marion.
He's not much help anyway.
He's always bouncing his basketball while I'm talking.
- Will you put that away, please? - What's going on?
We're having a family meeting.
I hope it's your allowance and not mine.
- Whose allowance is it, Howard? - It's nobody's allowance.
Now, will you all please just sit down?
Could we sort of hurry, Dad?
See, Arnold just got back from Los Angeles.
He's gonna have his waitresses start wearing roller skates.
I can't wait to see Marsha on roller skates.
Yeah, well, you'll have to see Marsha tomorrow.
But, Dad, she might do some of her funniest falling tonight.
Now that we're all seated
the meeting will please come to order.
- I tell you, I'm innocent. - This is not a trial, Joanie.
Now, look.
The reason I called you all here together is because,
well, any minute now a salesman is gonna come in here.
- What kind of salesman? - We're buying a new house?
What's wrong with this house?
Well, we don't have enough closet space, Howard.
Life would be so pleasant if we just had enough closet space.
Now, we're not buying a new house, Marion.
A new car? That'd be cool.
No, it's not a new car, new closet space, or cool.
What, then?
Well, it's something that I've been thinking about for a long time.
Ever since I saw Edward R. Murrow's programme about the Cold War.
And it didn't sound good. And then one day,
this salesman came into my store with this brochure and...
Well, tonight he's coming here.
- What does he sell? - He sells
- bomb shelters. - Bomb shelters?
Well, let's not talk about that in front of the children. It'll just frighten them.
Now, listen, Marion, the Russians now have the bomb
and they could decide to drop it on us.
The Cold War is a fact of life.
And everyone, including our children, have got to live with it.
Now, look, I'm not trying to scare anyone.
I'm merely trying to protect my family.
Can we afford a bomb shelter?
Well, we do have our funds for that vacation trip to Carlsbad Caverns.
- Phooey. - Double phooey, dear.
Who wants to blow our whole vacation fund on a hole in the ground?
Well, what's Carlsbad Caverns but a whole in the ground?
That's him. What am I gonna tell him?
- I vote no. - I'm against it too.
Tell him no, dear. But try not to hurt his feelings.
Even bomb-shelter salesmen have feelings.
- Hi, Ernie. - Mr. Cunningham.
- Good to see you again. - Good to see you.
- You have a lovely house here. - Thank you.
Marion, Richard, Joanie, this is Mr. Marinetti.
The whole family. Good, good.
Son, big boy. Lovely daughter and of course, Mom.
Nice to meet you all.
Now, first of all, I want you to call me Ernie.
I'm a very informal person. Okay?
Good. And may I call you Herbert?
Well, I don't like Herbert. My name is Howard.
I'm sorry. I'm very bad on names.
I thought salesmen were supposed to be good at names.
What a cute kid.
You're not a kid at all. Why, you're almost a teenager.
Yeah.
- Aren't you gonna tell him, Dad? - I'll tell him, Richard,
but it doesn't hurt to hear what he has to say.
Now, why don't we all sit where we usually sit?
- Howard, where do you usually sit? - I sit there.
Of course, Pop sits right over here.
And of course you wanna be right near Pop, right?
Down there, big boy. Big boy.
Mom, sit next to Miss Almost Little Teenager, okay?
I'm gonna hand you out these brochures.
Here. Let's get a greenie for you.
Match that beautiful little T-shirt you got there.
Howard, a blue for you, and a blue one, like father like son. Okay.
Now we'll start out with the deluxe model.
It's a two-foot concrete wall all around
with a complete inside shielding of solid lead.
- To tell you the truth... - Too expensive?
Okay, why don't we try the standard model.
Now, it's the same dimensions,
same safety features inside and out except for the lead.
Ernie, just before you came in we took another vote
and decided against buying the shelter.
Okey-dokey. That's entirely up to you.
Look, I hope we haven't wasted your time.
Howard, it's never a waste of time to meet a nice family.
You're not gonna try harder to sell us?
Richie, what I'm trying to sell you is something for your own good.
I mean, I used to be a patio-furniture salesman.
And I admit I was... I was quite a hustler.
But this is something that I honestly believe in.
I mean, you just don't hard-sell safety.
You really think there'll be a need for it, Ernie?
- Margaret, if I... - No, my name's...
No, no, no. Don't tell me.
Martha. No, no. Margaret-No.
- Minnie. - Oh, please let me help you.
- No, I've got it. Marsha. Mitzie? - No.
- Oh, you better help me. - Marion.
- No, that's not it. - Yes, it is.
Oh, of course it is. Of course it is. I was just kidding.
No. I honestly believe what Edward R...
- Murrow. - Murrow. Murrow said.
Do you have your own bomb shelter?
Of course I do, Howard.
You know, Howie, I like to think of my little bomb shelter
as a sort of a personal little secret message to Nikita Khrushchev
that the good old U.S. of A. Is not gonna be pushed around.
- Well, I'm all for that. - Right.
Well, just think about it a minute.
I mean, it's very possible that in case of nuclear attack
there are going to be very few survivors left around here
to repopulate this beautiful town.
Joanie, I think you should leave the room.
It's just getting interesting.
I'd like to try repopulating.
Richard.
Dad, I just wanna do my part as a good American.
Oh, be careful.
Watch out, everybody.
Marsh, think you're ready for the Roller Derby?
Oh, why did Arnold have to go to Los Angeles?
If he'd gone to Atlantic City, I'd be pushed around in a boardwalk cart.
I'm not an athletic lady, you know.
- That's for sure. - This is as far as I go, fellas.
You want your french fries, you come over here.
Mail me a tip.
Girls, we gotta have a meeting.
- It's better than Sid Caesar. - It sure is.
Hey, say, Rich, no snow.
Are you gonna build a bomb shelter in your yard?
Yeah. Well, it's not all set, of course, but it's pretty certain.
My dad's got the plans and everything.
Boy, have you got it M-A-D-E. It'll be a great place to take the chicks.
Oh, wait. I don't think that's exactly what my dad has in mind.
Yeah, but what your dad don't know won't hurt him.
- Say, Rich, I'm your best friend, right? - Sure.
Then you got my spot in the bomb shelter reserved?
- You wouldn't forget your friend. - I don't know...
What do you mean? I mean, what would life be like
surviving without your best friend? Loneliness. Guilt.
- Desperation. - All right, okay.
But don't mention it to everybody, all right?
Don't tell everybody I got a bomb shelter.
Got you, Rich. I understand. Gotta keep out the riff raff.
Hey, Fonz.
- Hey, Fonz. - Hi, Fonzie.
What is going on here?
I just got sideswiped by a hit-and-run waitress.
Hey, Rich, you think we should tell Fonz?
- Oh, Potsie. - Tell me what?
Nothing, nothing.
Hey, it sounds like you're trying to keep a secret from the Fonz.
That makes me feel like you're not a true friend, Rich.
Well...
We're just putting a bomb shelter in our back yard.
That's it? I thought it was something important.
Don't you ever worry about them dropping the big one?
Hey, like I always say, you live fast,
you die young, you leave a good-looking corpse.
Hey, that's cool.
Nick Romano said that in Knock on Any Door.
I think I said it better.
- Hey, let me help you, Marsh. - No. Don't touch my body.
No, Richie!
Hey there's Jennifer. She just had a date with Moose.
Let's go find out if it's true what they say about him.
Hey, Rich, let me see you a minute. Come here.
- What's new? - Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
- Nothing's new. - Don't panic. I believe you.
Richard, in this hand I have two tickets to the rock 'n' roll show.
It's Bill Haley, here we come.
That's crummy. I didn't think you were gonna be able to get the tickets.
And I didn't even get a date.
Why don't you ask Carole Akron over there?
- Oh, no. No. - What's the matter?
She's a hot chick. Her ears are pierced.
Oh, I've asked her out a few times and she always says no.
So what? Suzy said no to me for two months.
But now she's going outwith me.
I had to get down on my knees and beg before she would.
Oh, well, why would you want to beg?
If you've ever been kissed by Suzy, you'd never have to ask.
If she just used one lip, it would be worth it.
Well, I don't think she's the begging type.
To each his own. Hey.
Potsie's moving in on my Suzy.
Hey, hey, Suzy.
Richie, can I chew the fat with you a minute?
- Oh, sure, Carole. - Kind of privately?
Oh, wanna go in the photo booth?
No, here's all right.
Oh, that's what I figured.
Potsie said you had a bomb shelter.
Oh, no, no, that's just a rumour. See, my dad talked about it once.
But we don't have a bomb shelter.
It's just Potsie's sense of humour. No bomb shelter.
But I was wondering if you're free for this Friday.
Well, not exactly. I have three dates.
Three dates is "not exactly"?
I can't decide who to go outwith.
Well, I have a couple of tickets to the rock 'n' roll show.
- Rock 'n' roll show? - Yeah.
Yep, I think it's Cooty.
Well, nice chewing the fat with you, Richie.
I have a bomb shelter.
- You said you didn't. - Well...
Come here.
See, I'm trying to keep it a secret.
I don't want everybody to know about it.
Just somebody special like you.
Gee. I never went outwith anybody with a bomb shelter before.
Yeah, well.
Closest I ever came was when I got stuck in the elevator with Ziggy Wilson.
Well, before the concert,
I could take you to my back yard
and show you where we're gonna build it.
Yeah. I'll go with you.
Well, I'll see you Friday then.
Okay.
Hey, Rich.
Listen, you know what you can do for me?
You could save me a place in that shelter.
Potsie, I ought to give you a knuckle sandwich.
Why? Fonzie told him.
Why don't you give him a knuckle sandwich?
I guess we have enough room for one more.
- Great. - Rich, watch out.
I said no pickles.
Let's come up for air.
Okay, but just for a short break.
I'm sorry. I got my cuff link caught in your hair.
I'm sorry.
Well, that was some rock 'n' roll show, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
Tell me more about the shelter.
Oh, well...
Did you ever think that ours
is the first generation to grow up with the bomb?
No, I never thought that.
Well, it's made our generation different.
More serious.
Not that I don't like having fun.
But, you know,
more responsible to future generations.
Future generations?
Well, yeah.
Just suppose that you and I were in the bomb shelter.
And it happened. Am I scaring you?
No.
Well, then afterwards
you and I would have the responsibility of rebuilding.
Of repopulating this entire town.
Richie.
If I were going with someone and things were,
well, serious...
Yeah?
Could I bring a date to the shelter?
Cooty has a colour TV.
Now, look, the food shelves are gonna go right here.
The beds are gonna be here and the toilet is gonna be right here.
- Where's the door? - Right here.
Don't you think we should move the bathroom somewhere else
so that when people drop in, it won't be the first thing they see?
Marion, we're not trying to get into Better Homes and Gardens.
We're trying to survive a nuclear attack.
I know, but we can survive with good taste.
You can put the toilet wherever you want it.
Good. Now, what colour scheme did you have in mind?
I thought I'd bring Hugo out now so I wouldn't forget him later.
Joanie, look, I'm sorry, but Hugo is out. He's non-essential.
But he sleeps with me.
Couldn't you sleep with something smaller?
- No. - Well, then try sucking your thumb.
This wasn't my idea. I wanted to go to Carlsbad Caverns.
Come here.
Now, listen, sweetheart.
I know that all of this isn't much fun for you.
But someday when we come out of this shelter
and find that the whole world has been destroyed,
you're gonna thank me.
- Did what I say make sense? - No, but don't worry about it, dear.
You're her father and she doesn't expect you to make sense all the time.
Oh, Howard, it's 5 minutes to 12.
Coming.
- Where's my helmet, huh? - What helmet?
My civil defence helmet. I wanna wear it for the drill.
Where are the kids?
Richard, Joanie. Where did I put that helmet?
You want me to help you look for it?
Dad, there's something I better tell you about the drill today.
Look, everybody, just listen up for a minute.
I want you to act like this is any other Saturday.
Just do what you normally do.
Well, what are you all standing around for?
Marion, get in the kitchen and cook or something.
Well, that's silly, Howard, the drill's in three minutes.
Well, can't you pretend that you don't know that?
Well, now, I'll just pretend that I'm in the kitchen cooking a roast.
Dad, I really have something that I have...
Richard, not now. I want everybody to go about their business
as if nothing happened, huh?
Well, go, go. I'm gonna go look for my helmet.
I'm gonna take Hugo.
Oh, here's your helmet, Howard.
Hey, Rich. Hi, Mrs. C. Squirt.
Potsie, what are you doing here?
During a drill you go where you'd go for the real thing.
- This is where I'd go. - Potsie.
- You said I could. - Hey, guys. Rich.
I hope I'm not late, am I? I brought Suzy along.
Listen, Rich, I'm asking her to go steady
so I had to bring her, you know?
- Ralph, I did not say... - Come on, what's wrong?
Let's go. Okay.
What's the matter with you guys? You never saw a motorcycle before?
- I'll be right back. Excuse me, Fonzie. - Go knock yourself out.
Richard, there are people in my bomb shelter.
I know. That's what I was trying to tell you.
You see, through a series of misunderstandings...
Look, I know they're friends of yours, Richard, but they can't stay here.
Would you mind breaking the news to them?
- I don't wanna hurt their feelings. - Sure, Richard.
- All right, everybody out. - But I was invited.
I'm cancelling the invitation.
- Everyone out. - Hey, hey, hey.
If the bomb drops on your car, don't bring it to my garage.
We're still going steady, aren't we? We could crouch in my basement.
If Hugo goes, I go.
Some best friend.
Potsie, let me try to explain.
Well, I had to do it, Marion. It's our shelter and it's a matter of survival.
I understand, dear.
Howard, who is that man standing behind us?
I thought he was a friend of yours.
No, dummy, if you wear the knot in front it means you're available.
This means you're going steady.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, you guys mind if I sit here?
- Not at all. - Thanks.
We were just leaving. Fast.
Hey, Richie,
I heard about the gang not talking to you on account of the bomb shelter.
Don't worry about it. Take it from me.
I've lived with pain and loneliness most of my life.
After a while, you get used to it.
Hey, this is on the house.
Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure, Richard. I'm all ears.
Oh, good. Because I'd like to have another family meeting
about this bomb shelter thing.
Well, that's a good idea because I'm still trying to decide
whether we should stay with the standard model
or move up to the deluxe.
Well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
Well, we'll talk about it. Marion.
Another family meeting? That's two in one week.
No wonder I'm so nervous all the time.
Dad, what I wanted to talk about...
- Can I be excused? - No.
Howard, Pauline Saxon just called.
She wants to know if we have room in our shelter.
Well, I hope you told her no.
Well, I said if an opening comes up I'll call her.
Marion, you can't tell everybody that.
But they're our neighbours.
Well, the whole world is our neighbour.
Shall we invite the whole world in?
Family meetings are no fun.
You can be excused.
Good.
I still vote for Carlsbad Caverns.
Dad, the way I figure it is
if they drop the bomb then I won't have any friends.
And if they don't drop the bomb I won't have any friends.
So, what good is this bomb shelter?
That's an interesting question. What's your answer, Howard?
I'll tell you what good it is. If you sit in it, you have peace of mind.
While all your friends are pounding on the door?
Look, the discussion is over. We're gonna take a vote.
Marion, you still want the shelter, don't you?
Oh, Joanie's making more sense all the time.
Okay, then, we won't take a vote.
There are certain decisions that have to be made
by the head of the house and that is me.
Then I guess the family discussion is over.
- Well, I guess it is. - I'll just go on up in my room,
and think about what it's gonna be like
with no friends for the rest of my life.
I'll call Mother and tell her she's on her own.
Being the head of the house is a lonely job.
Hi, Dad.
Please use the door.
I seem to be here all alone.
I know.
We had a little family meeting of our own.
We voted not to survive.
I see.
Dad, I don't understand what's happening.
You're a nice guy who's talking about trying to lock his friends out.
In the words of Leo Durocher, "Nice guys finish last."
In an atomic war does anybody finish first?
Are you telling me that living through a bomb
isn't worth losing a few friends?
Dad, we figured that if things come down
to somebody dropping the bomb
then we'd rather live now than survive later.
Understand?
I guess you understand.
Richard...
...what do you think of a man who gets so carried away by his own fears...
...that he forgets about other people?
I'd say he's human.
One' two, three.
I gotta go. Pin.
Ladies and gentlemen.
- The world champion. - Cool it. I'm retiring as champ.
Right, Fonz. Gotcha, Fonz. He's retiring as champ.
- Let's go. Break it up. - Come on, split.
Go write a letter.
- Hi, you guys. - Cunningham.
- Hi, Rich. - Rich.
Hey, I hear your bomb shelter ain't no more.
Yeah, your bomb shelter turned into a bomb.
Funny as a crutch, Ralph.
I'm ahead of my time.
My dad decided to use the money
to take us on a trip to Carlsbad Caverns.
Carlsbad Caverns? Hey, that sounds neat.
I'm your best friend. I don't take much space.
- You can take me, right? - I wanna go too.
- I never saw a stalagmite before. - I'll see you guys later, okay?