1 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:13,347 >> AND, YOU KNOW, MOST OF ALL, I'M JUST THANKFUL FOR BEING HOME 2 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,724 FOR THE HOLIDAYS. >> YOU KNOW, I'M JUST THANKFUL 3 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:18,227 THAT I MET MICHELLE THIS YEAR. AND NOW I GET TO SPEND 4 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,063 THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY. YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY LOOKING 5 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:22,898 FORWARD TO GETTING TO KNOW YOU GUYS. 6 00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:27,402 >> OH, I'M THANKFUL THAT SOMEONE IN THIS FAMILY HAS A DATE. 7 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:31,073 I WAS GOING TO BRING A GUY I MET ON match.com, BUT AFTER WE 8 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,368 EXCHANGED PHOTOS, I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. 9 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,495 [ WAH‐WAH! ] 10 00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:55,931 >> HEY, CAN YOU PASS SOME OF THAT TURKEY? 11 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:59,601 OH, IT LOOKS JUICY. >> I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS 12 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,270 ALL MINE. [ LAUGHTER ] 13 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:04,273 >> BOY, THE TRAFFIC WAS A DISASTER COMING UP, HUH? 14 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,275 >> OH, YEAH. >> NOTHING COMPARED TO THE 15 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,277 DISASTER THE CHINESE ARE GOING THROUGH. 16 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:13,448 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> [ SIGHS ] 17 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:16,451 WHAT? >> THEY'RE STILL DIGGING OUT 18 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:19,746 FROM TYPHOON SEASON, JUST IN TIME FOR THE BIRD FLU TO TAKE 19 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:25,294 EVEN MORE LIVES. [ WAH‐WAH! ] 20 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:27,963 >> UH, WHO WANTS SOME MORE WINE? >> I'D LOVE SOME. 21 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:30,299 >> OKAY. >> HEY, DO YOU GUYS THINK THE 22 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:32,593 PILGRIMS BROUGHT A BOTTLE OF PINOT GRIGIO TO THE FIRST 23 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,970 THANKSGIVING? [ LAUGHTER ] 24 00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:37,306 >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE PILGRIMS DID BRING ‐‐ 25 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,642 SMALLPOX. IT KILLED SCORES OF 26 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:43,937 NATIVE AMERICANS, RAVAGING THEIR POPULATION. 27 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,815 [ WAH‐WAH! ] AND THAT WAS BEFORE WE GOT 28 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,984 AROUND TO SHATTERING THEIR SPIRIT. 29 00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:54,656 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> [ SIGHS ] 30 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,658 >> SWEETHEART, YOU LOOK CUTE IN THAT TIE. 31 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,660 >> HEY, YOU SHOULD SEE ME IN MY UNDERWEAR. 32 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:01,705 [ BOTH LAUGH ] >> DID YOU GUYS GET TESTED? 33 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:06,335 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> WHAT? 34 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:09,296 >> WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE, THEN YOU SEE 35 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,506 THAT "OPRAH" ABOUT LIVING ON THE DOWN‐LOW. 36 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:15,969 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> UM, I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A 37 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,346 TOAST. >> ALL RIGHT. 38 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:18,847 >> OKAY, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME MARK. 39 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,349 WE'RE VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE. 40 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,351 ALSO, I'D LIKE US ALL TO REMEMBER GRANDMA. 41 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,478 I'M SURE SHE'S LOOKING DOWN ON US AND SMILING. 42 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,314 >> I HOPE IT'S THE VERSION OF HER BEFORE SHE WAS IN THE 43 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:32,819 GRIPS OF DEMENTIA. [ WAH‐WAH! ] 44 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:36,198 OTHERWISE, SHE'D JUST BE CONFUSED. 45 00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:38,825 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> [ CLEARS THROAT ] 46 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,370 WELL, I'M SURE YOUR GRANDMA WAS A GREAT LADY AND REALLY LOVED, 47 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:44,581 YOU KNOW, MOST OF YOU. >> HEY, COULD YOU PASS THE 48 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:47,209 STUFFING? >> SURE. DEBBIE, STUFFING? 49 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:50,837 >> HEY, FRANK, DID YOU COOK THIS IN THE BIRD? 50 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,215 >> YEAH, SOAKS UP ALL THE JUICES. 51 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:56,718 >> ALSO SOAKS UP AN ARRAY OF HARMFUL BACTERIA, CREATING A 52 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,554 BREEDING GROUND FOR FOOD‐BORNE ILLNESSES. 53 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:07,562 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> HEY, CAN I SAY SOMETHING? 54 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:10,899 I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER THAN I AM 55 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,903 RIGHT NOW, AND I NEVER WANT THIS FEELING TO END, SO... 56 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:20,075 >> [ GASPS ] >> OH, MY GOD, MARK! 57 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:24,246 >> MICHELLE, WILL YOU MARRY ME? >> OH, MY GOD, OF COURSE, YES! 58 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:27,290 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MICHELLE, LET'S SEE THE RING. 59 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,418 >> OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. MARK, THIS MUST HAVE COST YOU 60 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,586 A FORTUNE. >> HEY, JUST LIKE THEY SAY ‐‐ 61 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:35,215 TWO MONTHS SALARY. >> DID YOU FACTOR IN THE LOSS OF 62 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,759 LIFE AT THE HANDS OF THE AFRICAN DIAMOND INDUSTRY? 63 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:42,097 [ WAH‐WAH! ] >> YOU KNOW WHAT, DEBBIE? 64 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:44,766 I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR LESS THAN A DAY, BUT I'VE KIND OF HAD IT 65 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,601 WITH YOU. I MEAN, I NEVER SAID A WORD 66 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,770 WHEN WE WERE WATCHING THE PARADE, AND YOU TOLD ME 67 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,773 EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WISH TO KNOW ABOUT AL‐QAEDA, OR WHEN THE 68 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:54,234 GARFIELD FLOAT CAME BY, AND YOU MADE THAT SPEECH ABOUT 69 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,612 FELINE AIDS. >> IT'S THE NUMBER‐ONE KILLER 70 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:01,783 OF DOMESTIC CATS. [ MEOW‐MEOW! ] 71 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:05,454 >> AND THAT'S VERY, VERY SAD, BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT 72 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,290 IT DURING MY MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. >> COME ON, MARK, WE'RE GOING TO 73 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:12,627 GO EAT IN THE TV ROOM. >> EXCUSE ME. 74 00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:13,378 >> [ SIGHS ] 75 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,550 >> GUESS WHO'S GOT ECZEMA? 76 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,643 WELL, I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, MR. TURKEY. 77 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,520 [ TURKEY GOBBLES ] 78 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:51,333 >> IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: THANKSGIVING"! 79 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:55,504 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PAUL SIMON! 80 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,422 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 81 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:32,374 [ INTRO TO "STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS" PLAYS ] 82 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:39,881 >> ♪ I MET MY OLD LOVER ON THE STREET LAST NIGHT ♪ 83 00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:47,556 ♪ SHE SEEMED SO GLAD TO SEE ME, I JUST SMILED ♪ 84 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:51,560 ♪ AND WE TALKED ABOUT SOME OLD TIMES ♪ 85 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,896 ♪ AND WE DRANK OURSELVES SOME BEERS ♪ 86 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:59,901 ♪ STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ♪ 87 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:05,365 ♪ OH, STILL CRA‐‐ CUT! 88 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,367 OKAY, CUT IT. [ MUSIC STOPS ] 89 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:14,791 FORGET IT, RICHARD. [ LAUGHTER ] 90 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:20,589 YOU KNOW, I SAID WHEN THE TURKEY CONCEPT WAS FIRST BROUGHT UP, 91 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:25,260 I SAID THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE I'M GONNA END UP 92 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:29,097 LOOKING STUPID IF I COME OUT WEARING IT. 93 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:32,767 I MEAN, EVERYONE SAID, "OH, IT'S THANKSGIVING, GO AHEAD." 94 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:36,438 I FELT THAT IT WAS NOT IN ANY WAY IN KEEPING WITH MY IMAGE, 95 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,399 THE LYRICS, "THE BOXER," ANY OF THOSE SONGS. 96 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:45,447 THEY SAID, "HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY. 97 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:49,117 WHY DON'T YOU STOP TAKING YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY FOR A 98 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:53,496 WHILE, LOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT, AND MAYBE PEOPLE WILL LAUGH? 99 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:57,834 YOU WANT TO BE MR. ALIENATION? YOU CAN BE MR. ALIENATION." 100 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,128 WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE MR. ALIENATION. 101 00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:06,134 I‐I WANT TO BE A REGULAR GUY, BUT I FEEL THIS HAS JUST BEEN A 102 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:09,804 DISASTER. I'M SORRY. 103 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:14,809 I'M JUST GONNA GO AND CHANGE. IT'S JUST A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. 104 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:24,819 [ APPLAUSE ] [ MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY ] 105 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,988 >> WONDERFUL! >> WONDERFUL? 106 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,449 YOU CALL THAT WONDERFUL? >> WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM? 107 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,494 >> IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST HUMILIATING EXPERIENCES OF MY 108 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,496 LIFE! >> WHAT, THE BAND CAME IN LATE? 109 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,831 >> THE BAND IS FINE! IT'S NOT THE BAND! 110 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:38,708 >> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. 111 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:42,003 >> THE PROBLEM IS I'M SINGING "STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE 112 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,465 YEARS" IN A TURKEY OUTFIT! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SING IN A 113 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,801 TURKEY OUTFIT? >> I THOUGHT IT WORKED GREAT. 114 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,177 >> YEAH? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, 115 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,513 JAN‐MICHAEL VINCENT HERE? YOU THINK I'M LOOKING GOOD? 116 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,848 >> YOU LOOK GREAT! HONESTLY. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO CHANGE? 117 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,017 >> YEAH, LET'S JUST DO THAT. LET'S SAY IT WAS A DIFFERENCE OF 118 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,352 OPINION. >> MAYBE IT WAS A DIFFERENCE OF 119 00:07:57,352 --> 00:08:00,188 OPINION, BUT I THINK IT WORKED GREAT. 120 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,858 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS FOLLOWING MESSAGE. 121 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:13,201 >> I CAN'T FIT THROUGH THE DOOR! >> ALL RIGHT, I'LL HELP YOU. 122 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:16,329 >> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE. 123 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:19,249 >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING! >> I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU 124 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,376 ALL HERE TODAY. >> I AM THANKFUL THAT I ONLY 125 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:24,713 BURNED THE TURKEY A LITTLE BIT. I'M SORRY, GANG. 126 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:28,883 >> YOU KNOW, I AM THANKFUL THAT OUR GOVERNOR IS NOT GONNA LET 127 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:32,220 THOSE REFUGEES IN HERE. >> OH, MY GOD. 128 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,556 >> I KNOW. [ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] 129 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,392 >> YOU KNOW, I HEARD THE REFUGEES ARE ALL ISIS IN 130 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,852 DISGUISE. >> OH, YEAH. 131 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,229 THAT'S TRUE. I ACTUALLY SAW AN ISIS IN THE 132 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,690 A&P TODAY WHEN I WAS PICKING UP THE YAMS. 133 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:47,068 >> NO, YOU DIDN'T, AUNT KATHY. THAT WAS AN ASIAN WOMAN. 134 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,572 [ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] >> YOU KNOW WHAT? 135 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,075 I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. WHY IS IT THAT YOUR FRIENDS KEEP 136 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:57,078 ANTAGONIZING THE POLICE? >> WHY WOULD YOU ASK MY 137 00:08:57,078 --> 00:09:00,123 BOYFRIEND THAT? >> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO GET 138 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,959 TO KNOW JAMAL. >> THAT'S VERY CONFRONTATIONAL. 139 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,920 [ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] >> EXCUSE ME. 140 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:13,762 >> SHE'S A GUEST AT OUR ‐‐ [ ADELE'S "HELLO" PLAYS ] 141 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:19,100 >> ♪ HELLO ♪ IT'S ME 142 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:25,273 ♪ I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU'D LIKE TO MEET ♪ 143 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:30,945 ♪ TO GO OVER ♪ EVERYTHING 144 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:35,742 ♪ THEY SAY THAT TIME'S SUPPOSED TO HEAL YA, BUT I AIN'T DONE 145 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:36,951 MU‐‐ ♪ [ DOORBELL RINGS ] 146 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,120 >> OH, YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE HERE. 147 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,165 >> HOW WAS THE FLIGHT? >> OH, IT WAS GOOD, GOOD. 148 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:46,294 >> I SAW TWO TRANSGENDERS AT THE AIRPORT. 149 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:49,297 THEY STILL LOOK KIND OF PRETTY. >> VERY INTERESTING TREND, THIS. 150 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,633 >> OH, MY GOD. >> TRANSGENDER IS NOT A TREND, 151 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:53,635 MR. PAUL. >> AND THERE WEREN'T ANY AROUND 152 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:56,096 WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. >> YEAH, THEY WERE THERE, BUT 153 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,973 THEY COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING, SO THEY LIVED SAD LIVES AND DIED. 154 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,434 >> NO TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THANKSGIVING! 155 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,479 [ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] [ SONG RESUMES ] 156 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:12,779 >> ♪ HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE ♪ I MUST'VE CALLED A THOUSAND 157 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:19,285 TIMES ♪ ♪ TO TELL YOU I'M SORRY FOR 158 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:25,542 EVERYTHING THAT I'VE DONE ♪ ♪ BUT WHEN I CALL, YOU NEVER 159 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:30,630 SEEM TO BE HOME ♪ ♪ HELLO FROM THE OTHER ‐‐ 160 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,174 [ TIMER DINGS ] >> OH, THE PIES ARE READY. 161 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,845 >> AND I AM READY TO VOTE FOR BEN CARSON. 162 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:44,519 >> YOU ARE SUCH A ‐‐ >> ♪ HELLO FROM THE OUTSIDE 163 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:49,983 ♪ AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT I'VE TRIED ♪ 164 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:55,822 ♪ TO TELL YOU I'M SORRY FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART ♪ 165 00:10:55,822 --> 00:11:00,702 ♪ BUT IT DON'T MATTER ♪ IT CLEARLY DOESN'T TEAR YOU 166 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:08,710 APART ANYMORE ♪ ♪ OOOH, OOH, OOH‐OOH 167 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:14,716 ♪ ANYMORE ♪ OOOH, OOH‐OOH, OOH 168 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:20,722 ♪ ANYMORE ♪ OOOH, OOH, OOH, OOH 169 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:26,561 ♪ ANYMORE ♪ ANYMORE 170 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:29,147 ♪ ANYMORE 171 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:40,867 >> DIG IN, EVERYONE. >> THANKS, ADELE. 172 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,994 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 173 00:11:56,925 --> 00:12:00,094 >> OH, PLEASE ‐‐ PLEASE, EVERYONE, DIG IN. 174 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,555 DON'T WAIT FOR ME. >> MOM, THIS SMELLS DELICIOUS. 175 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,265 I'M STARVING. ALL I'VE HAD TODAY IS A 176 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,600 SMOOTHIE. >> AW. 177 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,895 >> BEFORE WE GET TOO CARRIED AWAY, I'D JUST LIKE TO WELCOME 178 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:12,273 KAREN TO OUR HOME AND TO OUR TABLE. 179 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,442 >> OH, THANK YOU. THAT IS SO SWEET, MR. BLAKE. 180 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:18,780 >> PLEASE, CALL ME CORNELIUS. >> WELL, THANK YOU, CORNELIUS. 181 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,783 >> I JUST HAVE TO SAY, KAREN, THAT PAUL MUST REALLY LIKE YOU 182 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,619 IF HE'S BRINGING YOU OVER TO THE HOUSE ON JUST YOUR SECOND DATE. 183 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,246 >> ABSOLUTELY. >> OH, WELL, PAUL AND I HAD 184 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,831 SUCH A WONDERFUL FIRST DATE, I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT? 185 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,959 WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?" >> WELL, BE CAREFUL. 186 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:32,752 YOU MIGHT BECOME THE DAUGHTER THEY NEVER HAD. 187 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,630 [ LAUGHTER ] DAD, DO YOU MIND? 188 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:39,300 >> OH, SURE. KAREN, I NEED TO ASK YOU 189 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:44,806 SOMETHING. IS YOUR FATHER DALE ANDERSON? 190 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:47,976 >> DO YOU KNOW MY FATHER? >> I HAVE KNOW DALE ANDERSON ‐‐ 191 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:50,937 WE HAVE KNOWN DALE ANDERSON ‐‐ FOR 20 YEARS. 192 00:12:50,937 --> 00:13:01,114 WE STARTED AT THE SAME PLANT TOGETHER. 193 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:08,830 AND, UH... AND THEN, I GOT TRANSFERRED WHEN 194 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:11,165 THE KIDS WERE REALLY LITTLE. >> YEAH, YEAH. 195 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:13,459 IN FACT I THINK THAT YOU GUYS PROBABLY PLAYED TOGETHER WHEN 196 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:17,964 YOU WERE LITTLE. >> THE CHICKEN IS SO GREAT, MOM. 197 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:21,467 >> OH, THANK YOU, SWEETIE. >> WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 198 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,803 >> OH, THAT. WE PLAYED TOGETHER WHEN WE WERE 199 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,680 LITTLE KIDS. KIND OF NEAT, HUH? 200 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:32,854 >> HERE COMES SOME CORN! >> ALL RIGHT! 201 00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:39,193 >> CORN IS MY SPECIALTY. >> MMM‐MMM. 202 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,029 MOM... [ CHUCKLES ] 203 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,197 ...YOU ARE ON YOUR GAME TONIGHT. >> OH, THANK YOU. 204 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,534 >> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? >> I'M FEEDING HIM. 205 00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:50,580 >> YES, I SEE THAT. BUT WHY THAT WAY? 206 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,749 >> KAREN, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU. 207 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,917 MY SALIVARY GLANDS DON'T FUNCTION PROPERLY. 208 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,670 AND ON TOP OF THAT, I HAVE REALLY WEAK TEETH. 209 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,380 >> THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE PIECES OF CHALK. 210 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,341 >> [ CHUCKLES ] >> MOM, THEY'RE NOT THAT SOFT. 211 00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,886 I'M NOT A BABY. >> PAUL, YOU NEVER TOLD ME 212 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,512 ABOUT THIS. >> ARE YOU SURE? 213 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,891 I‐I COULD HAVE SWORN I TOLD YOU. >> NO, PAUL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME. 214 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,226 I THINK I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED IF YOU'D TOLD ME YOUR FATHER 215 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:15,855 CHEWS YOUR FOOD FOR YOU AND SPITS IT UP INTO YOUR MOUTH! 216 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,398 >> DO YOU NEED SOME BUTTER, KAREN? 217 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:22,236 >> I KNOW I DO. >> KAREN, DID WE NOT HAVE A 218 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,573 WONDERFUL FIRST DATE? >> WELL... 219 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,534 YES, IT WAS GREAT. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, RIGHT 220 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,245 NOW I'M FEELING INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE. 221 00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,081 >> WELL YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE IF 222 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,749 YOU MISS OUT ON THIS DELICIOUS SOURDOUGH. 223 00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:42,048 PAUL? >> YEAH. 224 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:45,218 >> OK, ISN'T THERE ANY OTHER WAY YOU GUYS CAN DO THAT? 225 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:49,764 >> HE'S GOT NO SALIVA! >> DAD, DON'T RUIN THIS. 226 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:52,767 >> NO, PAUL, I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN ANYTHING, BUT I GET TIRED 227 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:55,269 OF THIS! NOW, KAREN, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA 228 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:58,439 HOW MANY WOMEN PAUL HAS BROUGHT HERE FOR DINNER THAT JUST 229 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:02,068 [Coughing] TURN AROUND AND RUN THROUGH THAT FRONT DOOR ‐‐ 230 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:08,407 I'M UPSET! RUN THROUGH THAT FRONT DOOR 231 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:11,744 AFTER THE FIRST REGURGITATION! BUT YOU'VE STAYED! 232 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,789 YOU'VE STAYED FOR THREE! >> DAD, PLEASE! 233 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:18,793 >> IT NEEDS TO BE SAID, SON. THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT 234 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:22,296 YOU, KAREN. I COULD TELL IT WHEN I SHOOK 235 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:25,258 YOUR HAND. BUT MAYBE I WAS WRONG. 236 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:30,138 >> MOMMY, MOMMY! JOEY'S DAD TOOK ME TO McDONALD'S 237 00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:34,308 AND HE GOT ME AN APPLE PIE! >> OH, THAT'S GREAT, HONEY! 238 00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,810 OHH! >> HI, I'M NATHAN. 239 00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:38,312 I'M PAUL'S LITTLE BROTHER. HI, PAUL. 240 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:42,775 >> HI, NATHAN. I'M KAREN. >> MOMMY, CAN I HAVE SOME OF MY 241 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,153 APPLE PIE NOW? >> SURE, SWEETIE. 242 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:48,823 OF COURSE, YEAH. >> NO, NO, NO! 243 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:53,828 I WANT KAREN TO CHEW IT. WILL KAREN CHEW MY APPLE PIE 244 00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:56,706 FOR ME? >> HONEY... 245 00:15:56,706 --> 00:16:03,296 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK KAREN THAT. 246 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:08,968 >> KAREN, WOULD YOU ‐‐ WOULD YOU CHEW MY PIE FOR ME? 247 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:20,021 [ AIMEE MANN'S "WISE UP" PLAYS ] >> ♪ IT'S NOT 248 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:31,532 ♪ WHAT YOU THOUGHT ♪ WHEN YOU FIRST BEGAN IT 249 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:39,582 ♪ YOU GOT ♪ WHAT YOU WANT 250 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:46,714 ♪ NOW YOU CAN HARDLY STAND IT ♪ THOUGH, BY NOW YOU KNOW 251 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:54,013 ♪ IT'S NOT GOING TO STOP [ MUSIC FADES ] 252 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:59,227 >> NATHAN... I WOULD LOVE TO CHEW THIS APPLE 253 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:20,122 PIE FOR YOU. >> YAY, YAY! APPLE PIE! 254 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:23,084 >> KAREN, I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. 255 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:30,925 >> OH, ME TOO! LET'S HAVE SOME DESSERT! 256 00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:38,266 >> ♪ LOVE LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG ♪ 257 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,560 >> TONIGHT, WE START WHAT WE HOPE WILL BECOME A 258 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,271 "WEEKEND UPDATE" TRADITION. EVERY THANKSGIVING FROM NOW ON, 259 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:46,065 A DIFFERENT "SNL" PERFORMER WILL COMPOSE AND SING AN ORIGINAL 260 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,943 SONG TO COMMEMORATE THE HOLIDAY. WE COULDN'T THINK OF A BETTER 261 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,612 PERSON TO BEGIN THIS TRADITION THAN OUR OWN ADAM SANDLER. 262 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:55,283 >> OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, KEVIN. 263 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,619 THAT'S NICE OF YOU. THANK YOU. 264 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,079 >> ALL RIGHT, ADAM, ARE YOU READY? 265 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:03,332 >> YES, I AM, KEVIN. I'VE WORKED ALL WEEK ON MY SONG, 266 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:09,630 AND I HOPE YOU'LL BE ENTERTAINED AND A LITTLE MOVED. 267 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:19,140 >> ♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY ♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY 268 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,435 ♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY 'CAUSE IT'S GOOD ♪ 269 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,313 ♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY LIKE A GOOD BOY SHOULD ♪ 270 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:31,444 ♪ CAUSE IT'S TURKEY TO EAT, SO GOOD ♪ 271 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,447 ♪ A TURKEY FOR ME ♪ TURKEY FOR YOU 272 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,658 ♪ LET'S EAT TURKEY IN A BIG, BROWN SHOE ♪ 273 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,786 ♪ LOVE TO EAT THE TURKEY AT THE TABLE ♪ 274 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:44,165 ♪ I ONCE SAW A MOVIE WITH BETTY GRABLE ♪ 275 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:47,501 ♪ EAT THAT TURKEY ALL NIGHT LONG ♪ 276 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:50,630 ♪ 50 MILLION ELVIS FANS CAN'T BE WRONG ♪ 277 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,341 ♪ TURKEY TURKEY DEE ♪ TURKEY TURKEY DAP 278 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:57,345 ♪ I EAT THE TURKEY AND I TAKE A NAP ♪ 279 00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:04,143 ♪ THANKSGIVING IS A SPECIAL NIGHT ♪ 280 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:09,690 ♪ JIMMIE WALKER USED TO SAY "DYNAMITE" ♪ 281 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,860 THAT'S RIGHT! ♪ TURKEY WITH THE GRAVY AND THE 282 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:15,529 CRANBERRY ♪ ♪ CAN'T BELIEVE THE METS TRADED 283 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,366 DARRYL STRAWBERRY ♪ ♪ TURKEY FOR YOU 284 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,702 ♪ AND TURKEY FOR ME ♪ CAN'T BELIEVE TYSON GAVE THE 285 00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:30,211 GIRL V. D. ♪ ♪ GOBBLE GOBBLE DEE 286 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:33,005 ♪ GOBBLE GOBBLE DAWKIE ♪ I USED TO GO TO CAMP 287 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,717 AT LAKE WINNIPESAUKEE ♪ COME ON, KEVIN. 288 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:42,348 >> NO, THAT'S OKAY. >> OH, IT'LL BE FUN. 289 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:45,351 >> OKAY. >> Both: ♪ TURKEY FOR ME 290 00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:48,896 ♪ AND TURKEY FOR YOU ♪ LET'S EAT TURKEY IN A BIG, 291 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,357 BROWN SHOE ♪ ♪ TURKEY‐LEE‐DEE 292 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:55,069 AND TURKEY‐LEE‐DUFFING ♪ ♪ I LOVE TURKEY WITH A LOT OF 293 00:19:55,069 --> 00:20:00,574 STUFFING ♪ ♪ TURKEY AND SWEET POTATO PIE 294 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:05,079 ♪ SAMMY DAVIS JR. ONLY HAD ONE EYE ♪ 295 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:10,042 ♪ OH, TURKEY WITH THE GIRLS ♪ AND TURKEY WITH THE BOYS 296 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:14,088 ♪ MY FAVORITE KIND OF PANTS ARE CORDUROYS ♪ 297 00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:17,591 ♪ GOBBLE GOBBLE GEE ♪ AND GOBBLE GOBBLE GICKLE 298 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:21,262 ♪ I WISH TURKEY COULD ONLY COST A NICKEL ♪ 299 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:28,602 ♪ OH, I LOVE TURKEY ON THANKSGIVI‐I‐I‐I‐ING ♪ 300 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:33,065 >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY! 301 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,569 THANK YOU! >> THANK YOU, ADAM. 302 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,613 I'M KEVIN NEALON, AND THAT'S NEWS TO ME. 303 00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,490 >> ALL RIGHT! 304 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:05,514 >> HI, EVERYONE. I'M MARY. I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH 305 00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:08,684 FOR VOLUNTEERING AT ST. ANGEL'S THANKSGIVING SOUP KITCHEN. 306 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:12,021 THESE DINNERS ARE SO FUN. LAST YEAR, WE ATE AND LAUGHED 307 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:15,858 AND PARTIED AND ‐‐ SO HARD THAT WE DIDN'T GET OUT OF HERE UNTIL, 308 00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:20,654 LIKE, 8:30. I'M TALKING P. M. 309 00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:23,824 >> WELL, I'M LISA, AND IT'S MY FIRST TIME DOING THIS. 310 00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:25,534 I'M EXCITED. >> AND I'M LOU. 311 00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:28,496 AND SEEING ALL THESE WONDERFUL FACES HERE TODAY, IT REALLY 312 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,081 WARMS MY HEART. >> IT WARMS MY HEART, TOO, SO, 313 00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,542 I'D LIKE TO SAY. MINE'S ‐‐ MINE'S BURNING A LOT, 314 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,503 THOUGH. IT'S LIKE A LITTLE BALL OF FIRE 315 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,213 UNDER MY BRA. CAN'T SAY THE PLEDGE OF 316 00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:38,881 ALLEGIANCE OR I'LL BURN MY HAND. 317 00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:40,883 SO I GUESS MY HEART'S A LITTLE WARMER THAN YOURS. 318 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,676 >> OH, THANK YOU. PENELOPE, WAS IT? 319 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,512 >> MM‐HMM. MM‐HMM. YEAH. >> OH, GOOD. 320 00:21:44,512 --> 00:21:46,889 WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, THANKSGIVING IS A SPECIAL TIME 321 00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:49,517 FOR ME. INTERESTING FACT ‐‐ THANKS TO 322 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:53,187 ancestry.com, I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I HAD RELATIVES COME OVER 323 00:21:53,187 --> 00:21:55,689 ON THE MAYFLOWER. >> MY RELATIVES CAME OVER ON THE 324 00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:59,026 APRILFLOWER. SO, THEY GOT HERE ONE MONTH 325 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,738 BEFORE YOURS DID. >> ALL RIGHT. GOOD TO KNOW. 326 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,407 OOH! WELL, I CAN SEE THAT PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO ARRIVE, SO I'M 327 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:08,035 GONNA OPEN THE DOORS, AND, EVERYBODY, LET'S GET OUR APRONS 328 00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:08,828 ON! 329 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,880 COME ON IN. COME ON IN. 330 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,258 HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 331 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:24,093 >> HAPPY TURKEY DAY. >> HAPPY TURKEY DAY. 332 00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:26,387 HAPPY THANKSGIVING. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, JUST TO 333 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:29,223 BE THE FIRST TO SAY. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY. 334 00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:30,599 PROBABLY GET TO SEE A LOT OF FIREWORKS 'CAUSE YOU LIVE 335 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:35,271 OUTSIDE, SO... >> PENELOPE! 336 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:37,773 YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE GOT THIS COVERED, BUT WHY DON'T YOU GO 337 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,400 OVER THERE AND HELP SERVE THE CORN? 338 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,610 >> OKAY. >> [ SIGHS ] 339 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:43,279 >> MASHED POTATOES? >> YEAH, PLEASE. 340 00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:45,406 THEY'RE MY FAVORITE. >> OH, WELL, THEN MAYBE I CAN 341 00:22:45,406 --> 00:22:47,408 SNEAK YOU A LITTLE EXTRA. >> I'LL SNEAK YOU A LITTLE 342 00:22:47,408 --> 00:22:48,242 EXTRA, TOO. SOME CORN? 343 00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:49,952 I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE THAN SHE DID. 344 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:52,788 GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE. GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE THAN SHE 345 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:54,999 DID. >> WOW, I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU, 346 00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:56,667 LADY! >> OH, OH, PENELOPE! 347 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,294 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT MUCH CORN TO 348 00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:00,254 ONE PERSON. HERE. 349 00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:01,964 >> WELL, DON'T BE SO HARD ON HER. 350 00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:04,633 SHE MEANS WELL. >> WELL, FINE, BUT JUST DON'T 351 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,136 BRING OUT ANY MORE BIG SILVERWARE, OKAY? 352 00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:09,096 [ GASPS ] PASTOR MIKE! 353 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:12,141 IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE. 354 00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,602 WOW, LOOK AT ALL THESE TURKEYS. AND THERE'S FOOD HERE, TOO. 355 00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,312 [ BOTH LAUGH ] >> OH, PASTOR MIKE. 356 00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:19,106 YOU TELL SUCH GOOD JOKES. >> OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 357 00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:22,318 >> IS THING ON? I TELL GOOD JOKES, TOO. OKAY. 358 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,778 DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PEANUT WHO WENT INTO 359 00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:27,823 CENTRAL PARK? IT WAS ASSAULTED. [a salted] 360 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:30,117 THAT'S MY TIME. BEEN A GREAT CROWD. 361 00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:32,453 >> WELL, UH, THANK YOU, PENELOPE. 362 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:35,372 ANYWAY, PASTOR MIKE, I SAVED YOU A DRUMSTICK. 363 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:37,708 >> OH, DON'T MIND IF I DO, AND WHEN YOU HAVE A CHANCE, COME BY 364 00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:39,668 MY TABLE AND SAY HI. THE WHOLE FAMILY IS HERE ‐‐ ALL 365 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,171 THREE OF US. >> MY FAMILY'S HERE, TOO, SO... 366 00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:43,839 AND THERE'S SIX OF US. WE'RE, LIKE, DOUBLE‐BIGGER THAN 367 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:49,470 YOURS. THEY'RE RIGHT OVER THERE, SO... 368 00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:51,013 >> EXCUSE ME, UM, MARY. >> MM‐HMM. 369 00:23:51,013 --> 00:23:53,307 >> SOME OF THE PEOPLE ARE WONDERING IF WE COULD TURN UP 370 00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:56,018 THE VOLUME ON THE FOOTBALL GAME. >> OH, OF COURSE. NO PROBLEM. 371 00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:57,978 I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT. >> I'M ALREADY DOING IT, SO... 372 00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:59,855 JUST GONNA TURN IT UP A LITTLE LOUDER THAN YOU WOULD HAVE. 373 00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:03,317 JUST TURNING IT UP. >> IF PASTOR MIKE WASN'T HERE, 374 00:24:03,317 --> 00:24:05,027 I'D KICK THAT GIRL IN THE GIBLETS. 375 00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:07,529 >> OH, SHE'S JUST BEING HELPFUL. >> WELL... 376 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:11,033 >> Both: OHH! >> THAT'S THE LONGEST PASS I'VE 377 00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:13,327 EVER SEEN. WHAT'S SANCHEZ DOING? 378 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:17,414 NO ONE'S IN THE END ZONE! >> WHO IS THAT? 379 00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,167 >> IT'S ME. I CAUGHT IT, SO... TOUCHDOWN. 380 00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:26,382 THANK YOU, LORD. >> WHAT IS HAPPENING? 381 00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:27,716 >> DOES ANYONE WANT THIS FOOTBALL? 382 00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:29,551 I CAN'T PLAY ANYMORE. I JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR 383 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:32,680 STEROIDS. >> SHE IS RUINING THIS ENTIRE 384 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,348 DAY. SHE'S ACTING LIKE SHE'S THE 385 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:36,558 QUEEN OF THANKSGIVING. >> I AM THE QUEEN OF 386 00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:39,019 THANKSGIVING. I NOW DUB THEE 387 00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:43,232 SIR WADDLE OF GOBBLELOT, SO CONGRATULATIONS. 388 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:46,193 >> REALLY, PENELOPE? REALLY? YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF 389 00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:49,363 THANKSGIVING? WELL [CHUCKLES] I AM THE 390 00:24:49,363 --> 00:24:52,408 PRESIDENT OF WEDNESDAYS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? 391 00:24:52,408 --> 00:24:55,035 I DRIVE A TANNING BED TO WORK. AND IF I CLAP THREE TIMES, A 392 00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:57,413 WIENER DOG APPEARS, AND, OH! MY DAD'S A CHOCOLATE CHIP, 393 00:24:57,413 --> 00:24:59,957 AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? IF I WANT TO RELAX, I JUST TURN 394 00:24:59,957 --> 00:25:02,584 MYSELF INTO A POT OF SOUP, SO [Mockingly] WHAT DO YOU THINK 395 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:07,715 ABOUT THAT, PENELOPE? >> WELL, I GUESS ALL I CAN SAY 396 00:25:07,715 --> 00:25:10,551 IS MY TANNING BED DRIVES ME TO WORK, SO I CAN READ THE PAPER 397 00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:13,053 AND HAVE MY COFFEE. AND IF I CLAP TWICE, ALL THE 398 00:25:13,053 --> 00:25:15,597 DOGS IN THE WORLD GET AN EXTRA WIENER. 399 00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,933 AND MY DAD'S A CHOCOLATE‐CHIP COOKIE, SO YOUR DAD IS BAKED 400 00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:21,228 INSIDE HIM, SO... AND WHEN I WANT TO RELAX, I 401 00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,605 SHRINK INTO A POT OF SOUP AND FLOAT AROUND AND USE A CELERY 402 00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:26,900 STICK AS A RAFT, SO... >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M 403 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:30,237 WASTING MY TIME WITH YOU. THIS IS A DAY OF THANKS, AND 404 00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:32,740 YOU MADE IT ALL ABOUT YOU! >> MARY, CALM DOWN. 405 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,450 OKAY? JUST TRY TO HAVE SOME FOOD AND 406 00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:36,952 RELAX. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. 407 00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:40,664 [ LAUGHS ] >> UH, MARY, I THINK WE HAVE A 408 00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:48,130 SITUATION OVER HERE. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 409 00:25:48,130 --> 00:25:51,258 I'M NOT THANKFUL FOR ANYTHING. I'M THANKFUL FIVE, WHICH IS JUST 410 00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:52,968 A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN YOU. A LITTLE MORE THANKFUL THAN 411 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,303 EVERYONE ELSE ‐‐ HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE. 412 00:25:54,303 --> 00:25:56,180 HAPPY TURKEY DAY. 413 00:26:01,435 --> 00:26:03,729 "MARTHA STUART LIVING"... 414 00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:09,109 >> SUCCULENT TURKEY, FLUFFY MASHED POTATOES, AND SAVORY 415 00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:12,446 CHESTNUT DRESSING. I'M MARTHA STUART. 416 00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:15,783 THIS YEAR'S THANKSGIVING WILL BE PARTICULARLY MEANINGFUL FOR 417 00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:21,997 ALL RED‐BLOODED, PROPERLY DOCUMENTED AMERICANS. 418 00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:25,667 TOMORROW ON "LIVING," I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PREPARE THE PERFECT 419 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:29,171 HARVEST FEAST THAT COMBINES ALL THE CULINARY TRADITIONS OF 420 00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:32,299 THANKSGIVING WITH ALL THE PAGEANTRY AND PATRIOTISM OF 421 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:35,302 INDEPENDENCE DAY. FRANKLY, THE IDEA OF THESE TWO 422 00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:42,351 HOLIDAYS ROLLED INTO ONE GIVES ME A GIANT MARTHA BONER. 423 00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:45,979 I FOUND THESE GORGEOUS ANTIQUE LINEN SERVIETTES IN MY CHINA 424 00:26:45,979 --> 00:26:49,525 CLOSET AND EMBROIDERED THEM MYSELF WITH INSPIRATIONAL 425 00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:53,695 SAYINGS LIKE "GOD BLESS AMERICA," 426 00:26:53,695 --> 00:27:08,001 "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN," AND "SUCK IT, OSAMA!" 427 00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:11,171 THEY REALLY ARE A CHARMING ADDITION TO ANY THANKSGIVING 428 00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:13,715 PLACE SETTING. ALSO, MY FRIEND 429 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:17,344 CLEMENTINE BRYBERG WILL BE HERE TO SHOW US HOW TO FASHION YOUR 430 00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:20,389 TRADITIONAL CANDIED YAMS INTO AN INSPIRATIONAL BUST OF 431 00:27:20,389 --> 00:27:27,896 VICE‐PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY. I PROMISE YOU, THESE YAMS ARE 432 00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:32,901 AS SWEET AND CREAMY AS THE REAL DICK CHENEY. 433 00:27:32,901 --> 00:27:36,029 AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO PUT A PATRIOTIC SPIN ON YOUR MAIN 434 00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:38,740 COURSE. FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF MY USUAL 435 00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:42,536 ROAST TURKEY, THIS YEAR I'VE PREPARED A JUICY 50‐POUND 436 00:27:42,536 --> 00:27:44,329 BALD EAGLE. 437 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:55,048 IT'S UNDENIABLY AMERICAN, AND EVERYONE 'ROUND YOUR TABLE WILL 438 00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:58,093 BE VYING FOR ITS AMPLE DRUMSTICK. 439 00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:01,555 AND IN THESE CHALLENGING TIMES, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THOSE 440 00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:03,765 WHO ARE LESS FORTUNATE THAN OURSELVES. 441 00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:07,436 THESE CHARMING RELIEF PACKAGES ARE SURE TO DELIGHT ANY AFGHAN 442 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:10,439 REFUGEE. JUST CHOOSE A FRENCH ENAMEL 443 00:28:10,439 --> 00:28:13,775 LUNCH PAIL OUT OF YOUR FRENCH ENAMELWEAR COLLECTION AND STOCK 444 00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:17,112 IT WITH NECESSITIES. I'VE FILLED MINE WITH SACHETS 445 00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:19,948 OF DRIED LAVENDER FROM MY HERB GARDEN. 446 00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:23,410 FOR THE CHILDREN, A BLOWN GLASS ORNAMENT TO MAKE THEIR CHRISTMAS 447 00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:27,164 SPECIAL. AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, SOME 448 00:28:27,164 --> 00:28:32,461 BEAUTIFUL HAND‐MILLED PAPER SO THEY CAN WRITE A THANK‐YOU NOTE. 449 00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:35,130 GARNISH THE PAIL WITH SOME PATRIOTIC RIBBON, AND THESE 450 00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:38,258 GOODIES MAKE A CHARMING PACKAGE TO BE DROPPED ON THE HEADS OF 451 00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:44,139 OUR FRIENEMIES. SO JOIN ME TOMORROW ON "LIVING," 452 00:28:44,139 --> 00:28:47,142 WHEN WE PREPARE A THANKSGIVING FOR A NEW REALITY. 453 00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:50,479 AND, AS A SPECIAL BURN ON THE TALIBAN, I'LL WEAR A BIKINI TOP 454 00:28:50,479 --> 00:28:56,777 AND EAT A HOT PORK SANDWICH, WHILE I DANCE TO BRITNEY SPEARS. 455 00:28:56,777 --> 00:29:03,825 FREEDOM ‐‐ IT'S A GOOD THING. >> ♪ STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY 456 00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:07,746 ♪ IT'S NOTHING BUT A MILE AWAY 457 00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:13,627 [ UP‐TEMPO HIP‐HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ HOLIDAY TIME 458 00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:16,338 ♪ EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER ♪ SHOWS UP FOR DINNER WITH MY 459 00:29:16,338 --> 00:29:18,840 FATHER AND MOTHER ♪ ♪ FAMILY AT THE TABLE, GETTING 460 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:21,635 CRAZY AND LOUD, SAYING... ♪ ♪ AIN'T ENOUGH TURKEY TO FEED 461 00:29:21,635 --> 00:29:26,139 THIS CROWD ♪ >> ♪ THE BIRD'S TOO SMALL 462 00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:30,018 TO FEED US ALL ♪ >> ♪ BUT YOUR MAMA SAYS, 463 00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:32,020 "PUMP IT" ♪ ♪ PUMP IT UP NOW 464 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:34,648 ♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ GET A NIKEY TURKEY AND PUMP 465 00:29:34,648 --> 00:29:36,692 IT ♪ >> ♪ MAKE IT BIG NOW 466 00:29:36,692 --> 00:29:41,154 >> ♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ PUMP IT UP 467 00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:43,198 >> ♪ THE FIRST TURKEY DINNER WAS 1620 ♪ 468 00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:45,701 ♪ THE PILGRIMS HAD IT IN THE LAND OF PLENTY ♪ 469 00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,703 ♪ NOTHING WAS CHILL WITH THE HARVEST DOWN ♪ 470 00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,247 ♪ BUT THE RED BROTHER KNEW HE HAD ENOUGH TO GO AROUND ♪ 471 00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:53,417 ♪ HE KNEW TO PUMP IT ♪ PUMP IT UP NOW 472 00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:55,502 ♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ PUMP THE BIRD 473 00:29:55,502 --> 00:29:58,046 >> ♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ MAKE IT BIG NOW 474 00:29:58,046 --> 00:30:02,050 ♪ PUMP IT ♪ PUMP IT UP! 475 00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:04,886 >> ♪ SO IF YOUR HOLIDAY TABLE AIN'T LOOKING TOO FULL ♪ 476 00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:07,055 ♪ GET A NIKEY TURKEY ♪ IT'S ADJUSTABLE 477 00:30:07,055 --> 00:30:11,393 ♪ AND PUMP IT >> ♪ PUMP IT UP 478 00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:15,897 >> IF IT DOESN'T SAY "NIKEY," IT'S NOT A TURKEY. 479 00:30:15,897 --> 00:30:16,606 >> ♪ PUMP IT UP 480 00:30:31,580 --> 00:30:37,669 >> NEXT ON "THE CALIFORNIANS"... >> [ Surfer accent ] OKAY. 481 00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,547 LET'S GO OVER IT ONE MORE TIME. I KNOW YOU CAN NAIL THIS. 482 00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:45,677 "ORANGE ‐‐ SHANE PLACED THE ORANGE NEAR THE FOUNTAIN." 483 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:48,346 NOW YOU TRY. >> [ Hispanic accent ] MR. SHANE 484 00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:50,849 PLACED THE ORANGE NEAR THE FOUNTAIN. 485 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,060 >> GOOD, ROSA. YOU'RE IMPROVING. 486 00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:56,354 >> MR. DEVON, THANK YOU FOR THE ENGLISH LESSON. 487 00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:59,066 >> GOT ONE MORE WORD TO TEACH YOU ‐‐ 488 00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:04,029 LOVE. >> [ GASPS ] 489 00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:07,032 >> [ Surfer accent ] I'M SO GLAD I HIRED YOU TO COOK THANKSGIVING 490 00:31:07,032 --> 00:31:09,409 DINNER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. >> [ Surfer accent ] YOU'RE 491 00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:12,079 TOTALLY IN GOOD HANDS. I WAS VOTED BEST CHEF IN 492 00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:28,053 SONOMA COUNTY. >> DEVON?! 493 00:31:28,053 --> 00:31:32,057 W‐W‐W‐WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ROSA?! 494 00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:36,436 >> I WAS JUST TEACHING HER SOME ENGLISH, FREE OF CHARGE. 495 00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:38,563 >> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WERE DOING, DEVON. 496 00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:40,774 SHE WORKS FOR ME. DON'T YOU GET IT? 497 00:31:40,774 --> 00:31:43,777 DON'T YOU GET ENOUGH ACTION OVER IN MALIBU COUNTY? 498 00:31:43,777 --> 00:31:46,404 >> IT'S OKAY, STUART. I WAS LEAVING, ANYWAY. 499 00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:50,283 I WAS GONNA TAKE COLDWATER CANYON AND RIVERSIDE DRIVE, HOOK 500 00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:54,746 A LOUIE, GET ON VAN NUYS, THEN HOP ON THE 101 TO TARZANA. 501 00:31:54,746 --> 00:31:58,166 >> GET TO IT, THEN! JUST GET ON THE 101 AND SKIP ALL 502 00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:02,921 THE EXITS AND NEVER COME BACK! >> SO, THERE'S NO TRAFFIC ON THE 503 00:32:02,921 --> 00:32:04,631 101? >> THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING 504 00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:07,801 ABOUT. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! 505 00:32:07,801 --> 00:32:12,097 >> SO, GET ON THE 405? >> JUST GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO, 506 00:32:12,097 --> 00:32:14,432 DEVON. >> MR. STUART, PLEASE DON'T BE 507 00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,309 ANGRY. I'M IN LOVE! 508 00:32:16,309 --> 00:32:21,273 >> WHAT?! ROSA, LISTEN TO ME. 509 00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:25,110 YOU GOT TO STAY AWAY FROM DEVON. HE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU. 510 00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:28,947 HE'S BROKEN HEARTS IN RANCHO CUCAMONGA, SAN BERNADINO, 511 00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:32,492 SANTA CLARITA, AND REDONDO BEACH. 512 00:32:32,492 --> 00:32:35,829 I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO TO YOUR APARTMENT IN ANGELINO HEIGHTS. 513 00:32:35,829 --> 00:32:53,972 >> STUART, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES? 514 00:32:53,972 --> 00:33:00,687 >> "THE CALIFORNIANS." >> MOM, SO NICE THAT YOU FLEW IN 515 00:33:00,687 --> 00:33:03,982 ALL THE WAY FROM SACRAMENTO. >> [ Snooty accent ] ANYTHING 516 00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:06,860 FOR YOU, STUART. I'M DRYING OUT SOME APRICOTS FOR 517 00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:09,696 THANKSGIVING. >> MR. STUART, YOUR LAWYER IS 518 00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:13,700 HERE TO SEE YOU. >> LAWYER? 519 00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:18,747 CRAIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU NEVER LEAVE YOUR OFFICE. 520 00:33:18,747 --> 00:33:21,875 >> I WAS JUST AT THE BEVERLY CENTER, BUYING 521 00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:25,170 MYSELF SOME KILLER CHINOS. TOOK CRESCENT HEIGHTS UP ACROSS 522 00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:27,881 SUNSET AND DROVE UP LAUREL CANYON, WHEN I REMEMBERED 523 00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:30,550 I HAD SOMETHING SUPER IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU. 524 00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:34,346 SO, I MADE A LEFT ON VENTURA, BY THE BAJA FRESH, GOT ONTO 525 00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:37,557 BEVERLY GLEN, AND MADE A QUICK RIGHT ON CARMELITA. 526 00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:40,894 I'M HERE TO TELL YOU SOME PRETTY JARRING NEWS, BRO. 527 00:33:40,894 --> 00:33:43,897 >> JARRING?! LET'S SIT DOWN IN SEQUOIA 528 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:45,774 SEATING ARRANGEMENT. 529 00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:59,371 >> AWESOME. SO, STUART, APPARENTLY YOU 530 00:33:59,371 --> 00:34:05,085 FATHERED THIS ILLEGITIMATE LITTLE BRO. 531 00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:08,088 THE MOM SAID YOU MET HER AT AN EAGLES CONCERT. 532 00:34:08,088 --> 00:34:11,091 HER NAME'S SEPTEMBER. >> [ SIGHS ] 533 00:34:11,091 --> 00:34:15,220 OH, NO. THAT REALLY COMPLICATES MY LIFE. 534 00:34:15,220 --> 00:34:20,767 W‐W‐WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH A BABY? 535 00:34:20,767 --> 00:34:25,438 >> JUST GO EASY, STUART. REMEMBER, YOU WERE A BABY ONCE, 536 00:34:25,438 --> 00:34:27,774 TOO. >> HE'S RIGHT, STUART. 537 00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:33,280 SEPTEMBER WILL MAKE A GREAT MOM. >> UH, UH, UH, UH, HOW DO YOU 538 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:34,948 KNOW WHO SHE IS? 539 00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:02,225 >> "THE CALIFORNIANS." 540 00:35:04,436 --> 00:35:08,648 >> YOU GUYS, I'M SO HAPPY THAT THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN BE TOG‐‐ 541 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:12,277 SO HAPPY THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN BE TOGETHER FOR THANKSGIVING, PLUS 542 00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:14,279 MY DEAR FRIEND TREY. >> [ Surfer accent ] WOULDN'T 543 00:35:14,279 --> 00:35:20,827 MISS IT FOR THE WORLD, COMPADRE. >> AND, EVERYONE, HELP YOURSELF 544 00:35:20,827 --> 00:35:26,374 TO SOME DRIED ‐‐ DRIED APRICOTS. >> I MADE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. 545 00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:30,503 >> [ Surfer accent ] IS THERE ENOUGH FOR ME? 546 00:35:30,503 --> 00:35:35,508 >> TYLER! W‐W‐W‐W‐WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 547 00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:43,516 >> W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐ W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐ 548 00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:48,355 W‐W‐W‐WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. YOU DIED IN A TWO‐SEATER PLANE 549 00:35:48,355 --> 00:35:52,025 CRASH. >> I HAD A PARACHUTE. 550 00:35:52,025 --> 00:35:57,656 AND I'VE TOTALLY BEEN LIVING IN THE BACK OF A BANK OF AMERICA. 551 00:35:57,656 --> 00:36:00,033 >> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD, BROTHER. 552 00:36:00,033 --> 00:36:04,871 >> WELL, I COMPLETELY HAVE ANOTHER TOTAL BIT OF NEWS. 553 00:36:04,871 --> 00:36:08,249 I'M DYING, BRO! >> NO! 554 00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:10,543 WE WERE JUST GETTING TO KNOW YOU, MAN! 555 00:36:10,543 --> 00:36:16,841 >> TYLER, YOU CAN'T DIE! YOU'RE GONNA BE AN UNCLE. 556 00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:32,190 >> OKAY. I WON'T? 557 00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:33,983 >> "THE CALIFORNIANS." 558 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:46,579 >> I THINK THE BEST THANKSGIVING WE EVER HAD WAS ONE WHERE WE 559 00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:50,583 DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A TURKEY. MOM AND DAD SAT US KIDS DOWN AND 560 00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:54,546 EXPLAINED THAT BUSINESS HADN'T BEEN GOOD AT DAD'S STORE. 561 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:59,592 SO, WE COULDN'T AFFORD A TURKEY. WE HAD VEGETABLES AND BREAD AND 562 00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:04,264 PIE, AND IT WAS JUST FINE. LATER, I WENT INTO MOM AND DAD'S 563 00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:07,934 BEDROOM TO THANK THEM, AND I CAUGHT THEM EATING A LITTLE 564 00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:12,063 TURKEY. I GUESS THAT WASN'T REALLY THE 565 00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:13,857 BEST THANKSGIVING. 566 00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:22,907 >> BOYS, COME ON. SETTLE DOWN. 567 00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:26,453 TREY'S GOING TO BE HOME ANY MINUTE FROM COLLEGE. 568 00:37:26,453 --> 00:37:30,623 AND THEN WE CAN EAT, AND WE CAN MEET HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, ELISE. 569 00:37:30,623 --> 00:37:32,667 >> HE'S BEING SO SECRETIVE ABOUT HER. 570 00:37:32,667 --> 00:37:35,962 >> WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HATE EVERY GIRL HE BRINGS HOME. 571 00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:38,757 >> THAT IS NOT TRUE. >> UM, IT IS TRUE, DAD. 572 00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:40,467 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> THAT'S TREY! 573 00:37:40,467 --> 00:37:45,305 I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! YES! 574 00:37:45,305 --> 00:37:47,974 >> HI, GUYS. HOW ARE YOU? >> HEY! 575 00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:50,977 >> TREY'S HOME. SO, WHERE IS ELISE? 576 00:37:50,977 --> 00:37:53,646 WE WANT TO MEET HER. >> SHE'S RIGHT HERE BEHIND ME. 577 00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,815 COME ON IN, BABY. >> HI, EVERYONE. 578 00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:58,943 I'M ELISE. OH, MY GOSH, THANK YOU FOR 579 00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:00,487 HAVING ME. WOW. 580 00:38:00,487 --> 00:38:03,656 I LOVE YOUR HOUSE. IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. 581 00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:06,826 >> OH, WELL, THANK YOU. YOU'RE A... 582 00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:10,038 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A... TURKEY. 583 00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:13,374 >> UH, A GUEST IN OUR HOME, DEAR, RIGHT? 584 00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:14,459 >> YES, YES. >> COME ON, GUYS. 585 00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:15,835 ELISE AND I HAVE BEEN TRAVELING ALL DAY. 586 00:38:15,835 --> 00:38:18,296 LET'S HAVE SOME FOOD. >> YES, YES, SIT, SIT. 587 00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:21,841 EVERYONE. YOU OKAY? 588 00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:24,177 WATCH THE DOOR THERE. >> WHAT'S HAPPENING? 589 00:38:24,177 --> 00:38:27,180 >> I DON'T KNOW. >> SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. 590 00:38:27,180 --> 00:38:29,349 >> YEAH. >> RIGHT? 591 00:38:29,349 --> 00:38:35,188 >> OH, YOU'RE SWEET. >> OH. 592 00:38:35,188 --> 00:38:41,194 >> HAVE YOU A LITTLE... >> THANK YOU. 593 00:38:41,194 --> 00:38:44,489 >> IS TREY ‐‐ IS TREY DATING A TURKEY? 594 00:38:44,489 --> 00:38:48,034 >> IT SMELLS WONDERFUL. WHAT ARE WE HAVING? 595 00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:53,081 >> OH, TO EAT? YAMS, SOME GREEN BEANS. 596 00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:56,209 >> SOME ROLLS, SOME BUTTER FOR THE ROLLS. 597 00:38:56,209 --> 00:38:58,711 WHAT ELSE? >> GLAZED CARROTS! 598 00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:02,006 >> AND WHAT'S UNDER HERE? >> ELISE, NO! 599 00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:04,551 >> OH! >> DAD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO 600 00:39:04,551 --> 00:39:06,511 DO?! >> IT'S THANKSGIVING. 601 00:39:06,511 --> 00:39:11,057 I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A GOD‐DANG TURKEY! 602 00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:13,059 >> SOMEONE HELP ME PICK HER UP. SHE WEIGHS A TON. 603 00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:15,520 >> I'LL TELL YOU WHY SHE WEIGHS A TON. 604 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,188 BECAUSE SHE'S MOSTLY BREAST MEAT. 605 00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:21,526 HOTSY‐TOTSY! >> TODD, NO! 606 00:39:21,526 --> 00:39:24,737 >> WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE AM I? 607 00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:27,907 >> HAVE SOME CORN, OKAY? IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 608 00:39:27,907 --> 00:39:31,035 THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. GOOD. 609 00:39:31,035 --> 00:39:34,789 GOOD. GOOD. 610 00:39:34,789 --> 00:39:37,083 ARE YOU FEELING BETTER? YOU SCARED ME THERE FOR A 611 00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:39,210 SECOND. >> YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER 612 00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:41,087 HAD IT COOKED BEFORE. >> OH. 613 00:39:41,087 --> 00:39:45,884 >> IT'S GOOD. YOU KNOW, I'M...I'M FINE. 614 00:39:45,884 --> 00:39:49,929 I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE A SCENE. 615 00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:55,727 I'M A BIG GIRL, AND I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. 616 00:39:55,727 --> 00:39:58,605 >> WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY. THIS IS MY FAULT. 617 00:39:58,605 --> 00:40:04,277 >> NO, NO, I LOVE YOU, TREY. AND I'M HERE TO MEET YOUR 618 00:40:04,277 --> 00:40:07,739 FAMILY. THIS IS A SPECIAL DAY FOR THEM, 619 00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:13,119 SO LET'S ALL OF US SIT DOWN AND... 620 00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:18,833 AND HAVE SOME TURKEY. >> YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? 621 00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:22,295 >> I'M POSITIVE. >> THIS WAS YOUR NEIGHBOR. 622 00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:28,301 IT'S WEIRD. >> I BARELY KNEW THE GUY, SO... 623 00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:34,807 >> OKAY. OKAY. 624 00:40:34,807 --> 00:40:39,646 >> THIS MEAL LOOKS WONDERFUL, AND I CAN'T WAIT. 625 00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:42,273 >> WELL, THANK YOU, ELISE. IT IS WONDERFUL. 626 00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:45,610 AND I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED. 627 00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:50,114 >> I'M SURE I WILL. >> WELL, LET'S GO. 628 00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:53,284 [ KNIFE WHIRRING ] >> ARE YOU OKAY? 629 00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:58,873 >> I'M FINE. >> HERE GOES THE FIRST LEG! 630 00:40:58,873 --> 00:41:02,502 >> YOU OKAY? >> OH, YES. 631 00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:07,006 >> ELISE, YOU WANT SOME STUFFING, RIGHT? 632 00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:11,135 >> NO! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! 633 00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,639 I CAN'T! I LOVE YOU, BUT I CAN'T! 634 00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,518 GOODBYE. LOSE MY NUMBER! 635 00:41:18,518 --> 00:41:22,647 >> ELISE, PLEASE COME BACK! THANKS A LOT, DAD! 636 00:41:22,647 --> 00:41:25,191 >> WELL! 637 00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:11,696 >> ELIZABETH, HONEY, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY? 638 00:42:11,696 --> 00:42:19,412 >> I DON'T KNOW. [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 639 00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:22,582 >> ELIZABETH, DID YOU ASK TAMMY IF SHE WANTED TO SLEEP OVER 640 00:42:22,582 --> 00:42:25,043 TONIGHT? >> [ SIGHS ] 641 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:26,878 HEY, YO, YOU WANT TO SLEEP OVER TONIGHT? 642 00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:47,106 >> FINE WITH ME, YO. [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 643 00:42:47,106 --> 00:42:50,068 >> I RAN INTO MIKE REYNOLDS TODAY AT THE CAR WASH AND HE 644 00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:56,616 TOLD ME ‐‐ >> OH, WAS KATHY THERE? 645 00:42:56,616 --> 00:43:00,078 >> WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I SPEAK, YOU FEEL THE NEED TO 646 00:43:00,078 --> 00:43:01,913 SPEAK AS WELL? >> HONEY, I‐‐I JUST ‐‐ 647 00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:03,289 >> WHY IS THAT? >> I JUST WANTED TO KNOW ‐‐ 648 00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:04,123 >> WHY IS THAT? >> I JUST ‐‐ 649 00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:06,250 >> WHY IS THAT? WHY ‐‐ WHY IS THAT? 650 00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:22,600 >> I WOULD JUST ‐‐ [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 651 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,686 SO, TAMMY, DID YOUR PARENTS HAVE A GOOD TRIP TO EUROPE? 652 00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:32,944 >> I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU ASK THEM? 653 00:43:32,944 --> 00:43:34,821 [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 654 00:43:43,704 --> 00:43:46,499 >> HOW IS FIELD HOCKEY PRACTICE GOING, ELIZABETH? 655 00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:54,298 >> A'IGHT. >> I'M SORRY? 656 00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:58,469 >> I SAID "A'IGHT." >> I WISH YOU WOULD SPEAK 657 00:43:58,469 --> 00:44:00,513 ENGLISH AT THE DINNER TABLE. >> I WISH I COULD TAKE A PIPE 658 00:44:00,513 --> 00:44:01,722 TO YOUR HEAD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 659 00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:03,307 >> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? NO ONE TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT! 660 00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:04,517 DID YOU HEAR ME?! [ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ] 661 00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:09,814 NO ONE TALKS TO PAUL LIKE THAT! I'M A DIVISION MANAGER, OKAY? 662 00:44:09,814 --> 00:44:12,984 I'M IN CHARGE OF NINE PEOPLE ‐‐ BIG‐TIME STUFF! 663 00:44:12,984 --> 00:44:32,837 >> YOU DON'T KNOW ME! [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 664 00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:35,882 >> I SPOKE TO UNCLE DAN TODAY, AND HE INVITED US UP TO THE 665 00:44:35,882 --> 00:44:38,342 CABIN FOR THANKSGIVING. >> OH, THAT MIGHT BE NICE. 666 00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:40,344 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, LIZ? >> SHUT UP, WITCH. 667 00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,638 >> SHUT UP, BIATCH! 668 00:44:47,185 --> 00:44:48,978 [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 669 00:45:00,364 --> 00:45:03,117 >> THEY WOULDN'T TALK LIKE RAP PEOPLE IF YOU DIDN'T LET THEM 670 00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:05,036 WATCH THE MTV. >> PAUL, THAT'S UNFAIR. 671 00:45:05,036 --> 00:45:07,121 >> WHY DO YOU LET THEM WATCH THE MTV? 672 00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:10,124 >> PAUL, DON'T START WITH ME. >> YOU DON'T START WITH ME. 673 00:45:10,124 --> 00:45:12,084 YOU LIKE IT WHEN THEY TALK LIKE RAP PEOPLE. 674 00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:14,629 >> POP, POP! >> OKAY. DON'T EVER SHOOT A FAKE 675 00:45:14,629 --> 00:45:21,552 GUN AT ME! [ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ] 676 00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:24,555 NO MORE MTV! I WORK VERY HARD! 677 00:45:24,555 --> 00:45:28,935 I'M UP EVERY MORNING AT 6:45 RIDING THE STATIONARY BICYCLE! 678 00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:41,405 BIG‐TIME STUFF! [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 679 00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:43,491 >> [ SIGHS ] WHAT IF WE DID A FAMILY 680 00:45:43,491 --> 00:45:45,743 WORKSHOP? >> WHAT IF I BUST A CAP IN YOUR 681 00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:46,619 ASS? 682 00:45:51,874 --> 00:45:53,626 [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 683 00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:02,969 >> ELIZABETH, MAYBE YOU AND TAMMY SHOULDN'T HANG OUT 684 00:46:02,969 --> 00:46:04,845 TOGETHER. >> POP, POP! 685 00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:11,978 [ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ] >> STOP TALKING LIKE A RAP 686 00:46:11,978 --> 00:46:13,604 PERSON! STOP IT! 687 00:46:13,604 --> 00:46:17,984 I'M A DIVISION MANAGER FOR A VERY IMPORTANT SOFTWARE COMPANY. 688 00:46:17,984 --> 00:46:24,115 I HAVE A COVERED PARKING SPOT FOR MY MITSUBISHI GALANT! 689 00:46:24,115 --> 00:46:25,908 BIG‐TIME STUFF! 690 00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:34,500 >> YO, LET'S GO, T. WE OUT. WE DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS 691 00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:35,668 SHIZZITY ‐‐ UGH! 692 00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:41,590 >> POP, POP! 693 00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:07,033 [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ] 694 00:47:12,913 --> 00:47:16,375 >> I THINK IT MIGHT BE NICE TO GO SEE "K‐PAX" TONIGHT. 695 00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:23,883 >> OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. I'LL ASK THE GIRLS. 696 00:47:23,883 --> 00:47:25,343 And now... 697 00:47:32,308 --> 00:47:34,310 Tarzan thankful for many thing‐‐ 698 00:47:34,310 --> 00:47:35,978 for vine that not break, 699 00:47:35,978 --> 00:47:38,397 for stick that not snake, 700 00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:40,816 for crocodile‐free lake, 701 00:47:40,816 --> 00:47:42,568 for Jane coconut cake. 702 00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:49,408 Tonto thankful for reduction of tension 703 00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:51,035 between Soviet Bloc 704 00:47:51,035 --> 00:47:54,413 and industrialized free market economies of West. 705 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,540 Also for growing awareness 706 00:47:56,540 --> 00:47:59,960 of fragility of Amazon Basin ecosystem. 707 00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:04,715 Also for vigorous, healthy and varied sex life. 708 00:48:13,015 --> 00:48:15,101 ( grunting ) 709 00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:20,564 Frankenstein thankful for? 710 00:48:22,775 --> 00:48:24,235 Fire! 711 00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:28,406 Frankenstein not thankful for fire. 712 00:48:28,406 --> 00:48:30,449 Frankenstein fear fire. 713 00:48:42,169 --> 00:48:44,130 Bad! 714 00:48:46,507 --> 00:48:48,300 This has been... 715 00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:19,540 >> YOUR GIRLS ARE BACK. >> KATE. 716 00:49:19,540 --> 00:49:21,876 >> CECILY. >> SASHEER. 717 00:49:21,876 --> 00:49:24,295 >> VANESSA. >> LESLIE. 718 00:49:24,295 --> 00:49:27,840 >> CAMERON. >> AND YOUR LIL' BABY AIDY. 719 00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,967 >> WE'RE HOME FOR THANKSGIVING, Y'ALL. 720 00:49:29,967 --> 00:49:32,344 >> AND OUR PARENTS ARE REAL HAPPY TO SEE US. 721 00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,680 >> SO THEY'RE GONNA TREAT US LIKE QUEENS. 722 00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:37,850 >> THIS MAY BE THEIR HOUSE. >> BUT FOR THE NEXT FOUR DAYS, 723 00:49:37,850 --> 00:49:41,687 WE ABOUT TO RUN THIS BITCH. >> ♪ WALK IN THE DOOR 724 00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:44,231 ♪ HAND MY BAG TO THE VALET ♪ IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING 725 00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:46,817 ♪ IT'S MY DADDY ♪ HEAD STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE 726 00:49:46,817 --> 00:49:49,361 LIKE A BOSS, YO ♪ ♪ HELL YEAH, MY MOM WENT TO 727 00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:51,071 COSTCO ♪ >> ♪ IT AIN'T MY HOUSE, BUT I'LL 728 00:49:51,071 --> 00:49:53,199 TEAR IT UP ♪ ♪ GET A PLATE REAL DIRTY 729 00:49:53,199 --> 00:49:55,367 ♪ WON'T CLEAN IT UP ♪ THEN I ROLL UP TO THE WASHER, 730 00:49:55,367 --> 00:49:57,912 LAUNDRY GAME ON LOCK ♪ ♪ GONNA DO A WHOLE LOAD FOR 731 00:49:57,912 --> 00:50:00,289 JUST ONE SOCK ♪ >> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A BACK‐HOME 732 00:50:00,289 --> 00:50:02,541 BALLER ♪ ♪ IF I WANT SOMETHING, I JUST 733 00:50:02,541 --> 00:50:05,044 HOLLER ♪ ♪ I DO WHAT I WANT, AND I GET 734 00:50:05,044 --> 00:50:07,046 WHAT I WANT ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE MY PARENTS MISS THEIR 735 00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:09,381 DAUGHTER ♪ >> ♪ THIS WHOLE DAMN HOUSE IS A 736 00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:11,425 SHRINE TO ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY HERE'S 737 00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:13,886 OBSESSED WITH ME ♪ ♪ MY SECOND GRADE DRAWINGS 738 00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:16,055 ARE FRAMED LIKE PICASSOS ♪ ♪ IF I SAY "MOM, TACOS" 739 00:50:16,055 --> 00:50:18,224 ♪ MY MOM WILL MAKE TACOS >> ♪ WE ALWAYS SEE A MOVIE, 740 00:50:18,224 --> 00:50:20,226 BUT IT CAN'T BE "R" ♪ ♪ SO WE SETTLED ON 741 00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:22,937 "PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR" ♪ ♪ AND AS A NICE GESTURE, 742 00:50:22,937 --> 00:50:25,231 I BOUGHT ALL THE TICKETS ♪ ♪ PSYCH! NOT A CHANCE 743 00:50:25,231 --> 00:50:27,399 ♪ MY DAD FRICKIN' DID IT >> ♪ WHEN MY MOM NEEDS HELP 744 00:50:27,399 --> 00:50:30,027 ♪ I PRETEND TO BE NAPPING ♪ EVEN THOUGH I CAN HEAR 745 00:50:30,027 --> 00:50:32,071 ALL THAT IS HAPPENING ♪ ♪ IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE REALLY 746 00:50:32,071 --> 00:50:34,365 NEEDS HELP IN THE KITCHEN ♪ ♪ BUT IF SHE THINKS I'M MOVING, 747 00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:37,701 THEN THAT BITCH BE TRIPPIN' ♪ >> ♪ I'M A BACK‐HOME BALLER 748 00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:39,912 ♪ AND GRANDMA SAYS I LOOK TALLER ♪ 749 00:50:39,912 --> 00:50:42,289 ♪ THEY WAIT ON ME LIKE I'M SICKLY ♪ 750 00:50:42,289 --> 00:50:44,750 ♪ THAT'S THE LIFE OF A BACK‐HOME BALLER ♪ 751 00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:47,211 >> ♪ TAKIN' OUT THE TRASH WHILE MY NEIGHBORS SPOT ME ♪ 752 00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:49,421 ♪ THEY SWARM AROUND ME LIKE MY OWN PAPARAZZI ♪ 753 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:51,757 ♪ TALKING AND STALKING ♪ THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF ME 754 00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:54,260 ♪ WONDERING, QUESTIONING ♪ WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME 755 00:50:54,260 --> 00:51:01,433 >> SO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? >> UH, THE SAME. 756 00:51:01,433 --> 00:51:10,901 OKAY, JEAN. BYE! 757 00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:13,153 >> ♪ ONCE EVERYONE'S IN BED ♪ I GO INSANE 758 00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:16,490 ♪ HEROIN, MARIJUANA, CRACK COCAINE ARE NOT WHAT I WANT ♪ 759 00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,118 ♪ I WANT CHEESE ON CHIPS ♪ AND TO PUT ON SOME VERY OLD 760 00:51:19,118 --> 00:51:21,412 CREST WHITESTRIPS ♪ >> ♪ GETTIN FREE WI‐FI LIKE A 761 00:51:21,412 --> 00:51:23,789 DOPE‐ASS HO ♪ ♪ THE PASSWORD STARTS WITH 762 00:51:23,789 --> 00:51:26,875 17 O's ♪ ♪ THEN B‐4‐5‐L‐T‐N‐G 763 00:51:26,875 --> 00:51:31,463 ♪ THEN CAPITAL X THEN 3‐3‐3 ♪ THEN 1‐4‐5‐8‐T‐D‐Q 764 00:51:31,463 --> 00:51:35,134 ♪ AND 3‐1‐4‐N‐W >> HOLD UP. 765 00:51:35,134 --> 00:51:37,928 Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW PIMP IT IS AT MY MOM'S HOUSE. 766 00:51:37,928 --> 00:51:41,098 THAT BITCH PUTS OUT SO MANY BOWLS OF THINGS FOR ME, IT'S 767 00:51:41,098 --> 00:51:43,142 INSANE. I'M UP TO MY ASS IN... 768 00:51:43,142 --> 00:51:45,352 ♪ BOWLS, BOWLS, ALL TYPE OF BOWLS ♪ 769 00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:47,605 ♪ CHIPS AND MINTS AND SEASHELL BOWLS ♪ 770 00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,648 ♪ MY MOM'S GOT BOWLS FOR EVERYTHING ♪ 771 00:51:49,648 --> 00:51:52,318 ♪ POTPOURRI AND NUTS AND EVERYTHING ♪ 772 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:54,612 ♪ BOWL ON THE TOILET ♪ BOWL ON A SHELF 773 00:51:54,612 --> 00:51:56,780 ♪ BOWL OF M&Ms ♪ I CAN HELP MYSELF 774 00:51:56,780 --> 00:51:58,866 ♪ SHE PUTS OUT THESE BOWLS FOR ME ♪ 775 00:51:58,866 --> 00:52:01,035 ♪ AND ANY BOWL I LIKE I GET FOR FREE ♪ 776 00:52:01,035 --> 00:52:03,329 >> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A BACK‐HOME BALLER ♪ 777 00:52:03,329 --> 00:52:06,874 ♪ IN PAJAMAS THAT COST $10 ♪ TELL MY MOTHER THAT I LOVE HER 778 00:52:06,874 --> 00:52:09,460 MORE THAN ANY FREAKIN' OTHER ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE LIFE OF A BACK‐HOME 779 00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:12,504 BALLER ♪ >> DAMN STRAIGHT, Y'ALL. 780 00:52:12,504 --> 00:52:14,465 >> LOVE YOU, MOM AND DAD. WE OUT. 781 00:52:14,465 --> 00:52:16,508 >> SEE YOU IN A MONTH FOR CHRISTMAS. 782 00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:35,819 WE DOIN' THIS ALL AGAIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 783 00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:40,032 >> OH, YEAH. IT'S TIME FOR "THE LADIES' MAN." 784 00:52:40,032 --> 00:52:44,745 >> YEAH. ALL RIGHT. 785 00:52:44,745 --> 00:52:46,914 YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S HAPPENING? 786 00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:50,501 GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO "THE LADIES' MAN," 787 00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:54,546 THE LOVE LINE WITH ALL THE RIGHT RESPONSES TO YOUR ROMANTIC 788 00:52:54,546 --> 00:52:55,881 QUERIES. I'M LEON PHELPS. 789 00:52:55,881 --> 00:52:57,549 HOW Y'ALL DOIN' TONIGHT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 790 00:52:57,549 --> 00:53:01,720 YEAH? GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. 791 00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:04,431 I AM DOING ALL RIGHT. YOU SEE, I GOT MY COURVOISIER 792 00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,266 RIGHT HERE. OH, YEAH. 793 00:53:06,266 --> 00:53:11,188 AND, OF COURSE, I GOT MY PILGRIM'S HAT RIGHT HERE. 794 00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:14,233 THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE TONIGHT'S SHOW IS MY 795 00:53:14,233 --> 00:53:18,237 VERY SPECIAL THANKSGIVING SHOW. AND THIS IS EXACTLY HOW A 796 00:53:18,237 --> 00:53:22,241 SMOOTH‐OPERATIN' PILGRIM MIGHT DRESS WAY BACK THEN IN THE 797 00:53:22,241 --> 00:53:25,285 1840s, YOU KNOW? THAT IS, IF HE WANTED TO 798 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:28,747 "POKE SOME HONTAS." YOU KNOW? 799 00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:32,084 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, AND I THINK YOU DO. 800 00:53:32,084 --> 00:53:35,713 SO, NOW, LET'S GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT AND TAKE SOME 801 00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:38,298 CALLS, ALL RIGHT? SO, GO AHEAD, CALLER. 802 00:53:38,298 --> 00:53:41,093 YOU'VE GOT THE LADIES' MAN. >> Hello, Ladies' Man. 803 00:53:41,093 --> 00:53:43,929 I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents for the first time this 804 00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,764 Thanksgiving, and I'm pretty nervous. 805 00:53:45,764 --> 00:53:48,934 >> WELL, YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. YOU WANT TO GET IT ON WITH HER 806 00:53:48,934 --> 00:53:51,770 MOTHER? >> No! 807 00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,606 No, it's just I've never met them before, and it's a little 808 00:53:54,606 --> 00:53:56,275 scary. >> OH, OKAY, I SEE NOW. 809 00:53:56,275 --> 00:53:59,069 HOW MANY MONTHS PREGNANT IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND? 810 00:53:59,069 --> 00:54:02,281 >> She's not pregnant! >> WELL, THEN, HAVE YOU GIVEN 811 00:54:02,281 --> 00:54:04,283 HER SOME SORT OF VENEREAL DISEASE? 812 00:54:04,283 --> 00:54:08,078 >> No! >> WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU SO 813 00:54:08,078 --> 00:54:10,372 NERVOUS? YOU SOUND ‐‐ YOU SOUND LIKE A 814 00:54:10,372 --> 00:54:13,208 FINE, UPSTANDING, DISEASE‐FREE YOUNG MAN. 815 00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:16,086 ENJOY THE FREE MEAL. AND IF YOU GET THE OPPORTUNITY 816 00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:18,672 TO DO IT WITH HER MOTHER, THEN TAKE IT, OKAY? 817 00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:21,592 CHEERS AND GOOD LUCK. NEXT CALLER. 818 00:54:21,592 --> 00:54:26,138 >> Hi, Ladies' Man. >> OOH, IT'S A LADY. 819 00:54:26,138 --> 00:54:31,018 >> Ladies' Man, I get so lonely around the holidays. 820 00:54:31,018 --> 00:54:34,021 I sometimes think about taking my own life. 821 00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:38,358 >> WELL, THAT'S GOOD. >> Oh, no. 822 00:54:38,358 --> 00:54:43,113 I'm lonely and miserable. >> OH, WELL, THAT IS NOT GOOD. 823 00:54:43,113 --> 00:54:46,450 BUT I THINK THAT I CAN HELP. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. 824 00:54:46,450 --> 00:54:49,786 DO YOU WEIGH IN EXCESS OF 250 POUNDS? 825 00:54:49,786 --> 00:54:52,539 >> No. >> WELL, THAT IS WONDERFUL, 826 00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:55,501 BECAUSE YOU QUALIFY TO PARTICIPATE IN MY ANNUAL 827 00:54:55,501 --> 00:54:59,338 THANKSGIVING DAY DINNER FOR ALL LADIES WHO ARE LONELY AND UNDER 828 00:54:59,338 --> 00:55:03,008 250 POUNDS. I LIKES TO CALL IT 829 00:55:03,008 --> 00:55:07,971 "LEON PHELPS' SKANKSGIVING DAY DINNER." 830 00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:10,974 AND I HOPE THAT YOU WILL COME, BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A 831 00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:17,481 DELICIOUS TURKEY‐LIKE LOAF, SUITCASES FULL OF FINE BEER, AND 832 00:55:17,481 --> 00:55:20,484 MANY SKANKS, SUCH AS YOURSELF, IN ATTENDANCE, OKAY? 833 00:55:20,484 --> 00:55:23,320 NEXT CALLER? >> Hey, Ladies' Man. 834 00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:26,031 I don't even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. 835 00:55:26,031 --> 00:55:30,160 All my family does is fight. >> OH, NOW, DON'T SAY THAT. 836 00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:33,413 YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING IS A TIME TO PUT ASIDE ALL YOUR PETTY 837 00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:36,625 ARGUMENTS AND COME TOGETHER AND ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY. 838 00:55:36,625 --> 00:55:39,545 BECAUSE, BASICALLY, [ Voice breaking ] EVEN THOUGH 839 00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:42,923 YOU'VE GROWN APART, YOU'RE STILL A FAMILY. 840 00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:47,594 [ Crying ] AND FAMILY IS SO IMPORTANT. 841 00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:50,097 BECAUSE ‐‐ >> Ladies' Man, are you all 842 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:51,723 right? >> [ SNIFFLES ] 843 00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:55,852 YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU 844 00:55:55,852 --> 00:55:59,106 REMINDED ME OF A THANKSGIVING FROM MY PAST, AND IT WAS NOT 845 00:55:59,106 --> 00:56:01,233 GOOD. YOU SEE, I SHOT MY BROTHER 846 00:56:01,233 --> 00:56:05,237 DURING THANKSGIVING DINNER. YEAH, YOU KNOW, HE WAS NOT 847 00:56:05,237 --> 00:56:07,906 ACTING VERY COOL, SO I SHOT HIM WITH ONE OF THE 848 00:56:07,906 --> 00:56:11,034 THREE GUNS I ALWAYS BRING TO THANKSGIVING DINNER. 849 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:15,414 HE DID NOT DIE, BUT HE NOW HAS JUST ONE ARM, OKAY? 850 00:56:15,414 --> 00:56:18,959 SO ANYWAY, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT AND TO ANSWER YOUR 851 00:56:18,959 --> 00:56:22,754 QUESTION, I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY DOING IT IN THE BUTT. 852 00:56:22,754 --> 00:56:27,050 >> What?! >> I'M SORRY. 853 00:56:27,050 --> 00:56:29,428 I FORGOT WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT. 854 00:56:29,428 --> 00:56:33,432 I HAVE NO IDEA. BUT I'M SURE THAT THAT ANSWER 855 00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:36,059 WILL SUFFICE. I BETTER ‐‐ I BETTER TAKE 856 00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:39,938 ANOTHER CALL. >> Is this The Ladies' Man? 857 00:56:39,938 --> 00:56:41,898 >> YEAH, YOU GOT LEON PHELPS, THE LADIES' MAN. 858 00:56:41,898 --> 00:56:45,444 >> Ladies' Man, when my wife and I stay at my parents' house for 859 00:56:45,444 --> 00:56:48,155 the holidays, I find I can't perform sexually. 860 00:56:48,155 --> 00:56:50,449 I‐Is there something wrong with me? 861 00:56:50,449 --> 00:56:53,410 >> YEAH, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. 862 00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:56,455 I MEAN, I, MYSELF, HAVE MADE LOVE MANY TIMES RIGHT IN FRONT 863 00:56:56,455 --> 00:56:59,333 OF MY PARENTS, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I ENJOYED IT, THEY 864 00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:02,961 ENJOYED IT, YOU KNOW? NOW, I AM NO DOCTOR, BUT IT 865 00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:07,758 SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE A PENIRIAL DISEASE. 866 00:57:07,758 --> 00:57:10,761 WHAT WE CALL IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION, IT'S CALLED 867 00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:14,306 "SCAREDY WANG." YEAH, YOUR WANG GETS SCARED. 868 00:57:14,306 --> 00:57:17,643 I SUGGEST THAT YOU GET OVER IT SOON BEFORE YOUR WIFE HOOKS UP 869 00:57:17,643 --> 00:57:20,687 WITH SOMEONE WITH A MORE COURAGEOUS WANG. 870 00:57:20,687 --> 00:57:24,608 NOW, I'M NOT NAMING ANY NAMES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 871 00:57:24,608 --> 00:57:26,985 YEAH. OKAY, WELL, I HOPE THAT MY 872 00:57:26,985 --> 00:57:29,488 COMMENTS HERE HAVE BEEN HELPFUL TO YOU. 873 00:57:29,488 --> 00:57:32,282 THAT'S ALL THE TIME THAT WE HAVE ON "THE LADIES' MAN." 874 00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:36,620 BUT BEFORE I GO, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE THANKS FOR THE THINGS THAT 875 00:57:36,620 --> 00:57:39,373 I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE MOST. 876 00:57:39,373 --> 00:57:44,127 NUMBER ONE ‐‐ A SUPERIOR‐PERFORMING WANG. 877 00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:48,340 THE COURVOISIER TRUCK THAT JACKKNIFED IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE. 878 00:57:48,340 --> 00:57:51,635 THAT WAS GOOD. AND OF COURSE, THE IRREPRESSIBLE 879 00:57:51,635 --> 00:57:54,513 HUMAN ASS. YEAH. 880 00:57:54,513 --> 00:57:58,517 AND AS ALWAYS, THE LADIES THAT I HAVE MADE SWEET LOVE TO THIS 881 00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,728 YEAR. LADIES, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 882 00:58:01,728 --> 00:58:06,817 AND IF YOU DON'T, HERE'S AN ALPHABETICAL LIST OF YOUR NAMES. 883 00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:10,195 SO, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY. 884 00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:13,031 I WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "THE LADIES' MAN." 885 00:58:13,031 --> 00:58:16,201 YEAH, OH, I KNOW, I REMEMBER THAT ONE. 886 00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:18,328 OH, BABY, I GOT TO GIVE HER A CALL. 887 00:58:18,328 --> 00:58:36,054 OH, YEAH! THERE'S A DUDE'S NAME IN THERE! 888 00:58:36,054 --> 00:58:43,228 [ DISCO MUSIC PLAYING ] [ TELEPHONE RINGS ] 889 00:58:43,228 --> 00:58:49,234 [ MUSIC STOPS ] >> [ Shouting ] HELLO?! 890 00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:52,404 LOUD RESIDENCE! OH, HI, KEVIN! 891 00:58:52,404 --> 00:58:55,741 NO. JOAN AND JEAN WENT TO THEIR FIGURE‐SKATING CLASS! 892 00:58:55,741 --> 00:58:57,242 >> [ Shouting ] WHO IS IT, HONEY?! 893 00:58:57,242 --> 00:58:59,745 >> IT'S KEVIN! [ LOUD LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE ] 894 00:58:59,745 --> 00:59:01,413 OH, HERE THEY COME NOW, KEVIN! 895 00:59:01,413 --> 00:59:06,126 HOLD ON! >> Both: [ Shouting ] HI, MOM! 896 00:59:06,126 --> 00:59:07,919 HI, DAD! >> JOAN, IT'S KEVIN! 897 00:59:07,919 --> 00:59:10,756 HE'S ON THE PHONE! I THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU! 898 00:59:10,756 --> 00:59:15,218 >> OH, MOM! >> HI. KEVIN?! 899 00:59:15,218 --> 00:59:17,262 YEAH! WELL, JEAN'S DATE WILL BE OVER 900 00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:22,100 ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DON'T WE MEET HERE?! 901 00:59:22,100 --> 00:59:24,936 WELL, I DON'T KNOW! WE'LL SEE! 902 00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:28,607 GOODBYE! >> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE 903 00:59:28,607 --> 00:59:30,776 FINALLY GETTING DATES! YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BOTH 904 00:59:30,776 --> 00:59:33,570 GOOD‐LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GUYS 905 00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:35,447 HAVEN'T BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE DOOR! 906 00:59:35,447 --> 00:59:40,076 >> WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM SCARED THEM AWAY! 907 00:59:40,076 --> 00:59:42,913 >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! >> WELL, YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY 908 00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:45,540 TIME TO OURSELVES! >> WELL, IF I GET TO KNOW THE 909 00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:48,668 BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO 910 00:59:48,668 --> 00:59:51,087 BE ALONE! JEAN, WHO'S THE YOUNG MAN YOU'RE 911 00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:53,673 SEEING TONIGHT?! >> HIS NAME'S RICK! 912 00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:57,969 HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH! HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH! 913 00:59:57,969 --> 01:00:04,476 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> COMING! 914 01:00:04,476 --> 01:00:06,520 >> HI. I'M RICK PHILLIPS. YOU MUST BE MR. AND MRS. LOUD. 915 01:00:06,520 --> 01:00:12,484 >> Both: THAT'S RIGHT! >> HI, RICK! 916 01:00:12,484 --> 01:00:14,653 >> HI, JEAN. HI. 917 01:00:14,653 --> 01:00:16,488 >> COME HERE! SIT DOWN! 918 01:00:16,488 --> 01:00:19,950 I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY SISTER, JOAN! 919 01:00:19,950 --> 01:00:22,828 >> HI! >> IT'S EASY TO TELL YOU'RE 920 01:00:22,828 --> 01:00:24,871 SISTERS. >> Both: YOU THINK SO?! 921 01:00:24,871 --> 01:00:28,375 >> WE DON'T REALLY LOOK THAT MUCH ALIKE OR ANYTHING! 922 01:00:28,375 --> 01:00:31,336 >> I DON'T KNOW. MR. LOUD, YOU CERTAINLY DO HAVE 923 01:00:31,336 --> 01:00:35,048 TWO LOVELY DAUGHTERS THERE. >> WELL, IT'S A SAD STORY! 924 01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:39,553 WE USED TO HAVE THREE! OUR ELDEST DAUGHTER GOT IN A SKI 925 01:00:39,553 --> 01:00:41,805 ACCIDENT! >> OH. I'M SORRY. 926 01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:45,684 WHAT HAPPENED? >> AVALANCHE! 927 01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:48,186 BAD LUCK, I GUESS! [ DOORBELL RINGS ] 928 01:00:48,186 --> 01:00:55,026 >> OH, I'LL GET IT! THAT MUST BE KEVIN! 929 01:00:55,026 --> 01:01:04,870 HI, KEV! >> HI, KEVIN! 930 01:01:04,870 --> 01:01:06,872 >> KEVIN, THIS IS MY FRIEND RICK! 931 01:01:06,872 --> 01:01:10,250 >> RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND KEVIN! 932 01:01:10,250 --> 01:01:12,043 >> SORRY. I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE. 933 01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:14,921 SOME OF THE PLANES WERE DELAYED, AND THE GROUND CREW HAD TO WORK 934 01:01:14,921 --> 01:01:16,089 OVERTIME. >> EH. 935 01:01:16,089 --> 01:01:20,010 >> WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES AND HAVE A GOOD TIME! 936 01:01:20,010 --> 01:01:23,513 MR. LOUD AND I WILL JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND, UH, READ! 937 01:01:23,513 --> 01:01:26,391 >> GOOD NIGHT, KIDS! >> Both: GOOD NIGHT! 938 01:01:26,391 --> 01:01:29,561 >> AND IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY 2:00 AND LOCK THE BACK DOOR! 939 01:01:29,561 --> 01:01:31,062 >> OKAY! GOOD NIGHT, MOM! 940 01:01:31,062 --> 01:01:33,064 GOOD NIGHT, DAD! >> GOOD NIGHT, JEAN! 941 01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:35,191 GOOD NIGHT, JOAN! >> GOOD NIGHT, JEAN! 942 01:01:35,191 --> 01:01:39,404 GOOD NIGHT, JOAN! >> GOOD NIGHT, MOM AND DAD! 943 01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:41,239 [ FOOTSTEPS DEPART ] 944 01:01:46,620 --> 01:01:50,957 [ DOOR CLOSES ] >> OH, BOY, BEVERLY! 945 01:01:50,957 --> 01:01:54,127 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY! 946 01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:59,424 >> OH, DAVE! I LOVE YOU! [ LOUD MOANING ] 947 01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,426 >> FASTER, HONEY! COME ON! 948 01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:05,388 A LITTLE BIT FASTER, HONEY! OH, FASTER! 949 01:02:05,388 --> 01:02:07,599 COME ON, BABY! FASTER STILL! 950 01:02:07,599 --> 01:02:10,936 >> I'M TRYING, DAVE! >> WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO 951 01:02:10,936 --> 01:02:12,979 TONIGHT?! >> HOW ABOUT A MOVIE? 952 01:02:12,979 --> 01:02:25,575 >> OKAY, BUT BEFORE WE GO... [ INHALES DEEPLY ] 953 01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:31,331 >> HEY! THIS IS GREAT POT! >> YEAH! ONE PUFF AND I'M REALLY 954 01:02:31,331 --> 01:02:37,003 STONED! [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ] 955 01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:39,297 >> QUICK! HIDE THAT GRASS! >> HIDE IT! HIDE IT! 956 01:02:39,297 --> 01:02:42,759 >> I DON'T WANT OUR PARENTS TO KNOW WE'RE SMOKING DOPE! 957 01:02:42,759 --> 01:02:46,638 >> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?! >> JEAN! JOAN! 958 01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:50,350 I'M ASHAMED! >> Both: UH‐OH! 959 01:02:50,350 --> 01:02:53,144 >> EXCUSE ME, BOYS, BUT MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO 960 01:02:53,144 --> 01:02:56,982 HAVE A WORD WITH OUR DAUGHTERS! 961 01:03:06,866 --> 01:03:09,327 >> UM... YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THIS WITH THIS 962 01:03:09,327 --> 01:03:11,538 FAMILY? THEY SEEM TO TALK, YOU KNOW, 963 01:03:11,538 --> 01:03:15,000 LIKE, EXTRA LOUD, LIKE REALLY, REALLY LOUD. 964 01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:19,504 >> WHAT? >> FORGET IT. 965 01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:22,841 >> I BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN 966 01:03:22,841 --> 01:03:25,885 FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS! >> THOSE BOYS ARE OBVIOUSLY 967 01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:28,346 TROUBLEMAKERS, AND I DON'T APPROVE! 968 01:03:28,346 --> 01:03:30,682 >> MOM, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE I'M A CHILD! 969 01:03:30,682 --> 01:03:33,018 >> WELL, YOU'RE BOTH ACTING LIKE CHILDREN! 970 01:03:33,018 --> 01:03:35,520 >> Both: WE ARE NOT! >> Parents: YOU ARE, TOO! 971 01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:38,565 >> Girls: WE ARE NOT! >> Parents: YOU ARE, TOO! 972 01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:41,693 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS 973 01:03:41,693 --> 01:03:47,907 HOUR OF THE NIGHT?! >> UM... 974 01:03:47,907 --> 01:03:51,828 EXCUSE ME, BUT Y'ALL ARE GONNA HAVE TO QUIET DOWN IN HERE. 975 01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:54,414 >> OH, I'M SORRY! WHO COMPLAINED?! 976 01:03:54,414 --> 01:03:59,210 >> NOBODY. I WAS DRIVING BY. 977 01:03:59,210 --> 01:04:01,921 >> WELL, I'M SORRY! WE WERE FIGHTING! 978 01:04:01,921 --> 01:04:06,718 WE'LL STOP! >> I, UH...HOPE YOU GOT THE 979 01:04:06,718 --> 01:04:16,144 MESSAGE. >> All: GOOD NIGHT, OFFICER! 980 01:04:16,144 --> 01:04:18,480 Earth wasn't created in seven days. 981 01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:22,734 There are some things men will never improve on. 982 01:04:24,944 --> 01:04:26,529 Don't take what you're given. 983 01:04:28,198 --> 01:04:29,824 Why can't we be cleaner. 984 01:04:33,536 --> 01:04:36,247 We're hungry for something different. 985 01:05:21,918 --> 01:05:26,881 Crystal Gravy, you've never seen gravy like this. 986 01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:43,189 >> YOU'RE WATCHING WSB/TV ATLANTA. 987 01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:46,192 UP NEXT, IT'S "RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED." 988 01:05:46,192 --> 01:05:49,737 ♪♪♪ 989 01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:51,990 >> GOOD GREAT NOVEMBER MORNING, YOU GUYS! 990 01:05:51,990 --> 01:05:54,159 >> YOU'RE WATCHING "RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED." 991 01:05:54,159 --> 01:05:56,619 I'M GRACELYNN CHISHOLM, AND I'M HERE WITH MY HUSBAND 992 01:05:56,619 --> 01:05:59,372 CORY CHISHOLM, BETTER KNOWN IN THE CHISHOLM HOUSE AS THE LIP 993 01:05:59,372 --> 01:06:01,583 GLOSS THIEF. >> OHHH! 994 01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:04,544 I NEED IT SO I CAN KISS ALL OVER MY WIFE'S BEAUTIFUL LIPS. 995 01:06:04,544 --> 01:06:09,007 >> CORY, KNOCK IT OFF! >> I JUST CAN'T HELP IT. 996 01:06:09,007 --> 01:06:11,176 CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO THROW YOU DOWN IN 997 01:06:11,176 --> 01:06:13,178 A PILE OF LEAVES AND GO INSANE ON YOUR BODY. 998 01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:14,220 >> CORY! >> GIVE ME! 999 01:06:14,220 --> 01:06:16,181 >> CORY, WE GOT A SHOW TO DO. IT'S 9:15 A. M. 1000 01:06:16,181 --> 01:06:17,849 >> [ LAUGHS ] >> IT'S IN THE MORNING. 1001 01:06:17,849 --> 01:06:20,143 YOU'RE ALREADY LOOKING AT ME LIKE A CARTOON PORK CHOP. 1002 01:06:20,143 --> 01:06:22,061 >> MMM. YOU JUST MAKE ME SO HOT, I CAN'T 1003 01:06:22,061 --> 01:06:23,479 FOCUS ON MY JOB. [ TRILLS ] 1004 01:06:23,479 --> 01:06:26,816 >> OKAY, ENOUGH. IT'S OUR SPECIAL THANKSGIVING 1005 01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:29,527 EPISODE, AND WE HAVE A GREAT GUEST COMING UP A LITTLE BIT 1006 01:06:29,527 --> 01:06:31,362 LATER. FROM BUSTER'S BAYOU BUFFET, 1007 01:06:31,362 --> 01:06:34,199 IT'S CHEF, HUNTER, AND BUTCHER BUSTER LITTLES! 1008 01:06:34,199 --> 01:06:37,035 >> OH, THERE HE IS! OH, MY. 1009 01:06:37,035 --> 01:06:40,872 NOW, THERE IS A RUGGED MAN. >> WELL, HELLO, HELLO. 1010 01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:43,208 [ SPUTTERS ] I GOT SOMETHING ON MY TONGUE. 1011 01:06:43,208 --> 01:06:45,001 EXCUSE ME. I SAID HELLO THERE. 1012 01:06:45,001 --> 01:06:48,004 BUSTER LITTLES HERE. IF YOU NEED A TURKEY KILLED, 1013 01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:50,673 CUT, OR COOKED, YOU KNOW WHO TO CALL. 1014 01:06:50,673 --> 01:06:53,927 AND BY CALL, I MEAN LIKE THIS. [ CLUCKING ] 1015 01:06:53,927 --> 01:06:56,346 COCK‐A‐DOODLE‐DOO. [ SQUAWKS ] 1016 01:06:56,346 --> 01:07:00,683 [ LAUGHS ] >> OKAY, WELL, THAT WAS 1017 01:07:00,683 --> 01:07:02,685 SOMETHING. WE'LL BE BACK WITH BUSTER LATER 1018 01:07:02,685 --> 01:07:04,729 IN THE SHOW. AND I'M EXCITED TO TASTE THAT 1019 01:07:04,729 --> 01:07:05,939 TURKEY. >> OH! ME, TOO. 1020 01:07:05,939 --> 01:07:08,733 I AM GONNA STUFF MYSELF THIS THANKSGIVING 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SO 1021 01:07:08,733 --> 01:07:10,860 GOOD ON MY DIET, Y'ALL. >> DIET! OH, PLEASE! 1022 01:07:10,860 --> 01:07:13,696 CORY, YOU ATE A TRAY OF BROWNIES IN YOUR BUBBLE BATH LAST NIGHT. 1023 01:07:13,696 --> 01:07:18,409 >> DIRTY LIAR! IF THAT'S SO, HOW DO I KEEP THIS 1024 01:07:18,409 --> 01:07:20,745 BODY HOTTY HOTTY? >> IT'S CALLED THE KARDASHIAN 1025 01:07:20,745 --> 01:07:23,414 WAIST TRAINER GIRDLE, AND YOU WEAR IT EVERY DAMN DAY! 1026 01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:26,876 >> WHAT?! UNH‐UNH! 1027 01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:30,046 IT IS NOT A GIRDLE! IT IS A BOYDLE, Y'ALL. 1028 01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:32,632 >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, WE 1029 01:07:32,632 --> 01:07:35,093 GOT A GREAT SHOW. UP LATER IS BUSTER LITTLES. 1030 01:07:35,093 --> 01:07:38,221 HE'S TALKING EVERYTHING TURKEY. >> OH, LOOKS LIKE HE'S ALREADY 1031 01:07:38,221 --> 01:07:40,223 GOT HIS FIST IN IT THERE. HEY, THERE! 1032 01:07:40,223 --> 01:07:41,933 >> OH, YEAH! HEY, THERE! 1033 01:07:41,933 --> 01:07:45,478 BUSTER LITTLES HERE! DON'T YOU GO GETTIN' SCARED, 1034 01:07:45,478 --> 01:07:47,605 Y'ALL. I'M JUST SPREADING A LITTLE 1035 01:07:47,605 --> 01:07:49,899 BUTTER AROUND INSIDE THIS TURKEY'S CAVITY. 1036 01:07:49,899 --> 01:07:53,319 [ CHUCKLES ] EITHER THAT OR I'M ABOUT TO DO A 1037 01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:55,905 PUPPET SHOW. CHECK IT OUT. 1038 01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:59,993 HEY, TURKEY. "YEAH, WHAT'S UP, BUSTER?" 1039 01:07:59,993 --> 01:08:02,662 YOU GOT ANY GOOD JOKES BEFORE I POP YOU IN THE OVEN? 1040 01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:06,833 "WELL, YOU KNOW I DO. WHAT WAS THE TURKEY FOR 1041 01:08:06,833 --> 01:08:08,918 HALLOWEEN?" WELL, I DON'T KNOW. 1042 01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:10,837 WHAT WAS IT? "A GOBBLIN'." 1043 01:08:10,837 --> 01:08:12,463 HA! WAIT A MINUTE. 1044 01:08:12,463 --> 01:08:17,927 I DON'T GET IT. "WELL, WHAT'S NOT TO GET?" 1045 01:08:17,927 --> 01:08:20,305 >> OKAY, I THINK HIS BEARD MAY HAVE EATEN HIS BRAIN. 1046 01:08:20,305 --> 01:08:22,348 >> MM‐HMM! >> EITHER THAT, OR HE HAS SPENT 1047 01:08:22,348 --> 01:08:25,184 TOO MUCH TIME IN THE BACKWOODS. >> YEAH, WELL, I'VE BEEN TRYING 1048 01:08:25,184 --> 01:08:27,854 TO SPEND SOME TIME IN YOUR BACKWOODS, BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH 1049 01:08:27,854 --> 01:08:30,148 BRUSH BLOCKING THE WAY. >> CORY! 1050 01:08:30,148 --> 01:08:32,775 CORY MARIE CHISHOLM! WHAT IS SHOOTING AROUND IN THAT 1051 01:08:32,775 --> 01:08:34,944 HEAD OF YOURS? >> HEY, I'M JUST LIKE EVERY 1052 01:08:34,944 --> 01:08:37,655 OTHER FOOTBALL‐WATCHING, BEER‐DRINKING, PIZZA‐EATING MAN 1053 01:08:37,655 --> 01:08:40,783 IN AMERICA! I LIKE TO GET SOME TAIL. 1054 01:08:40,783 --> 01:08:44,287 >> OH, CORY, GOOD LORD! LET'S CHECK BACK IN WITH OUR 1055 01:08:44,287 --> 01:08:45,705 GUEST, PLEASE! >> MM‐HMM. 1056 01:08:45,705 --> 01:08:47,540 >> OH, MY GOSH. HIS OVEN IS SMOKING. 1057 01:08:47,540 --> 01:08:50,501 >> OH. >> HEY, DARLIN'. 1058 01:08:50,501 --> 01:08:54,881 I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD. TURKEY FRIEND HERE, HE DON'T 1059 01:08:54,881 --> 01:08:59,510 FEEL SO GOOD, EITHER. "YEAH, THE ROOM IS SPINNING." 1060 01:08:59,510 --> 01:09:02,055 YOU ALL RIGHT? "NO." 1061 01:09:02,055 --> 01:09:06,351 MY TURKEY FAINTED! YOU BETTER CALL 911! 1062 01:09:06,351 --> 01:09:09,812 >> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? SHEILA LEE, DID YOU CLEAN THAT 1063 01:09:09,812 --> 01:09:11,898 OVEN TODAY? >> OH, I SURE DID. 1064 01:09:11,898 --> 01:09:15,693 WITH THREE CANS OF EASY‐OFF. THAT'S MORE THAN NINE TIMES THAN 1065 01:09:15,693 --> 01:09:19,405 WHAT THEY SAY TO USE, SO YOU'RE WELCOME! 1066 01:09:19,405 --> 01:09:21,908 >> OH, MY GOODNESS. SHEILA LEE! 1067 01:09:21,908 --> 01:09:23,910 >> WELL, THAT'S WHY HE'S TALKING SO CRAZY. 1068 01:09:23,910 --> 01:09:27,038 HE'S TRIPPING ON OVEN CLEANER! >> THAT'S RIGHT. 1069 01:09:27,038 --> 01:09:30,958 ANYWAY ‐‐ >> [ LAUGHS ] 1070 01:09:30,958 --> 01:09:33,336 >> OHHH! OH, MY GOD! 1071 01:09:33,336 --> 01:09:36,255 YOU JUST SCARED A TINY FART RIGHT OUT OF ME! 1072 01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:38,841 >> HEY, LOOKY HERE! I GOT MY TURKEY FRIEND ALL 1073 01:09:38,841 --> 01:09:40,843 DRESSED UP FOR CHURCH! >> OH, LORD. 1074 01:09:40,843 --> 01:09:44,097 OUR NEXT GUEST IS SUPPOSED TO BE ED SHEERAN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF 1075 01:09:44,097 --> 01:09:47,392 IT'S SAFE FOR HIM TO COME OUT. >> UNH‐UNH. 1076 01:09:47,392 --> 01:09:51,187 >> YEAH, IT JUST ‐‐ IT SORT OF SMELLS LIKE PETROL OR SOMETHING. 1077 01:09:51,187 --> 01:09:56,943 ♪ HONEY, I ♪ WILL BE LOVING YOU 1078 01:09:56,943 --> 01:09:59,195 >> OH! OH, MY! THAT POOR GINGER FELL DOWN SO 1079 01:09:59,195 --> 01:10:01,072 HARD! >> OKAY, WELL, WE GOT TO GET OUT 1080 01:10:01,072 --> 01:10:03,950 OF THIS STUDIO AND AIR IT OUT. >> YEAH, I TELL HER TO AIR IT 1081 01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:05,410 OUT EVERY NIGHT. >> CORY! 1082 01:10:05,410 --> 01:10:07,578 >> WHAT?! [ TRILLS ] 1083 01:10:07,578 --> 01:10:09,205 >> HEY. 1084 01:10:09,414 --> 01:10:11,457 YOU TWO A REAL COUPLE? >> WHAT? 1085 01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:14,252 ♪♪♪ 1086 01:10:18,548 --> 01:10:21,426 >> IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN ‐‐ THE HOLIDAYS. 1087 01:10:21,426 --> 01:10:24,929 BUT THIS SEASON, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON THE WHITE BEACHES 1088 01:10:24,929 --> 01:10:25,805 OF HAWAII. 1089 01:10:26,055 --> 01:10:29,892 INSTEAD, WHY NOT VISIT THE SUNNY, PAVED STREETS OF YOUR 1090 01:10:29,892 --> 01:10:33,771 HOMETOWN? THERE YOU'LL ENJOY FOUR‐STAR 1091 01:10:33,771 --> 01:10:37,942 ACCOMMODATIONS AT YOUR CHILDHOOD HOME. 1092 01:10:37,942 --> 01:10:42,113 FEATURING AN ALL‐ACCESS GYM, LOCATED CONVENIENTLY IN YOUR 1093 01:10:42,113 --> 01:10:46,576 ROOM, ALONG WITH A 24‐HOUR BUSINESS CENTER, ALSO IN YOUR 1094 01:10:46,576 --> 01:10:49,954 ROOM. [ MODEM CONNECTING ] 1095 01:10:49,954 --> 01:10:54,459 ENJOY LONG, LONG CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTS. 1096 01:10:54,459 --> 01:10:59,255 UNWIND IN FRONT OF THE DEEPEST TV EVER SOLD. 1097 01:10:59,255 --> 01:11:03,176 AND PAMPER YOURSELF WITH SCRATCHY, BLEACH‐STAINED TOWELS 1098 01:11:03,176 --> 01:11:08,264 FROM 1994. YOUR CHILDHOOD HOME OFFERS A 1099 01:11:08,264 --> 01:11:12,143 WIDE RANGE OF ONSITE ACTIVITIES. YOU COULD ALWAYS CLEAN OUT THIS 1100 01:11:12,143 --> 01:11:16,272 BOX OF STUFF OR IT'S GOING TO BE THROWN AWAY, OR PICK UP THESE 1101 01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:19,650 STICKS. AND OUR ATTENTIVE STAFF IS THERE 1102 01:11:19,650 --> 01:11:22,987 TO ASSIST YOU WITH ANYTHING THAT MAY COME UP. 1103 01:11:22,987 --> 01:11:26,157 WHO NEEDS SNORKELING AND PARASAILING WHEN YOU CAN CHECK 1104 01:11:26,157 --> 01:11:28,993 OUT THE NEW KMART? AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, CHECK 1105 01:11:28,993 --> 01:11:31,996 OUT THE OLD KMART, WHICH IS NOW A CLOSED MICHAELS. 1106 01:11:31,996 --> 01:11:36,793 OR DRIVE AROUND LISTENING TO THE ONLY C. D. YOUR MOM OWNS. 1107 01:11:36,793 --> 01:11:40,838 PLUS, YOUR HOMETOWN OFFERS EXOTIC DESTINATIONS FOR SMOKING 1108 01:11:40,838 --> 01:11:44,634 WEED, LIKE THIS SWING, THE TRAIN TRACKS, 1109 01:11:44,634 --> 01:11:48,805 AND MATT'S HOT TUB. IF YOU'RE UP FOR A DAY TRIP, 1110 01:11:48,805 --> 01:11:51,682 DRIVE ON DOWN TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TO VISIT YOUR OLD 1111 01:11:51,682 --> 01:11:53,851 TEACHERS. THEN THINK, "WHY WOULD I DO 1112 01:11:53,851 --> 01:11:58,022 THIS?" AND LEAVE. OR GO SEE A MOVIE ‐‐ BY 1113 01:11:58,022 --> 01:12:00,149 YOURSELF. OH, LOOK! 1114 01:12:00,149 --> 01:12:01,901 IT'S SOMEONE FROM YOUR HIGH SCHOOL. 1115 01:12:01,901 --> 01:12:05,488 HOW FUN! SO, BOOK YOUR TICKETS TO YOUR 1116 01:12:05,488 --> 01:12:09,534 HOMETOWN TODAY, AND BRING HOME SOME SOUVENIRS THAT YOU'LL JUST 1117 01:12:09,534 --> 01:12:13,412 HAVE TO LEAVE AT THE AIRPORT. YOUR HOMETOWN ‐‐ 1118 01:12:13,412 --> 01:12:17,041 WE'D LOVE YOU TO STAY FOR A WEEK, BUT WE'LL SETTLE FOR THREE 1119 01:12:17,041 --> 01:12:17,834 DAYS. 1120 01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:34,392 >> Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and if you haven't 1121 01:12:34,392 --> 01:12:36,936 loaded up your ipod with Turkey day music yet, then 1122 01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:39,105 you're in luck. Here to promote their latest 1123 01:12:39,105 --> 01:12:41,899 holiday‐themed album, please welcome the sexiest songwriters 1124 01:12:41,899 --> 01:12:45,695 I'm aware of, Garth and Kat. [ Cheers and applause ] 1125 01:12:45,695 --> 01:12:49,699 >> Sorry. >> Sorry. 1126 01:12:49,699 --> 01:12:51,075 Sorry. We're ready. >> We're here. 1127 01:12:51,075 --> 01:12:53,202 >> Sorry. We are here. >> Guys, did you forget you were 1128 01:12:53,202 --> 01:12:54,370 coming here again? >> What? 1129 01:12:54,370 --> 01:12:55,371 >> No! >> Forget? No! 1130 01:12:55,371 --> 01:12:57,123 >> Come on! >> What is he talking about? 1131 01:12:57,123 --> 01:13:00,209 Traffic was crazy. We were at the Empire State 1132 01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:02,211 Building. >> Yeah, we went all the way to 1133 01:13:02,211 --> 01:13:04,881 the second floor, and the views were, like, kind of fine. 1134 01:13:04,881 --> 01:13:07,884 >> They were, like, fine. They were fine, but we are here 1135 01:13:07,884 --> 01:13:10,052 now. >> That's right, and our song 1136 01:13:10,052 --> 01:13:13,639 that we've rehearsed is called "Directions to Grandma's House." 1137 01:13:13,639 --> 01:13:16,559 >> And this is a real song, that you have written and you are not 1138 01:13:16,559 --> 01:13:19,312 making up right now. >> No, absolutely. Look, look. 1139 01:13:19,312 --> 01:13:21,898 We have it on our CD. >> Yeah. 1140 01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,482 >> All right. "Directions to Grandma's House." 1141 01:13:23,482 --> 01:13:25,151 It's right there. Okay. I can't wait to hear it. 1142 01:13:25,151 --> 01:13:26,569 >> Okay. Here we go. I love this one. 1143 01:13:26,569 --> 01:13:27,820 >> It's pretty good. >> Okay, ready? 1144 01:13:27,820 --> 01:13:30,740 >> Both: One and a‐two and ‐‐ ♪ Come on, Grandma 1145 01:13:30,740 --> 01:13:33,576 ♪ Come on, come on ♪ Come make a left 1146 01:13:33,576 --> 01:13:38,122 ♪ Make a right ♪ And go off the interstate, 1147 01:13:38,122 --> 01:13:41,626 baby ♪ ♪ You got the ignition 1148 01:13:41,626 --> 01:13:47,465 ♪ Oh, please, oh, please ♪ It's the Turkey Waltz 1149 01:13:47,465 --> 01:13:51,093 ♪ And they covered it in tin foil ♪ 1150 01:13:51,093 --> 01:13:56,265 ♪ Who loves the tin foil? ♪ Who loves the tin foil? 1151 01:13:56,265 --> 01:14:00,519 ♪ I said who loves >> Okay! Guys. 1152 01:14:00,519 --> 01:14:03,022 Guys, I'm sorry. Hang on. Hang on. 1153 01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:06,025 >> Thank you. >> Maybe this is my fault 1154 01:14:06,025 --> 01:14:08,444 because I keep having you on this show, but it just seems To 1155 01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:10,947 me ‐‐ don't get upset ‐‐ like you're making these songs up as 1156 01:14:10,947 --> 01:14:12,198 you go along. >> Really? 1157 01:14:12,198 --> 01:14:14,283 Did you happen to watch the Latin Grammys? 1158 01:14:14,283 --> 01:14:17,787 >> No, were you on it? >> No, but if you would like to 1159 01:14:17,787 --> 01:14:21,165 see pops of color and so many people shaking their bodies ‐‐ 1160 01:14:21,165 --> 01:14:22,917 >> Okay, you know what? >> So good. 1161 01:14:22,917 --> 01:14:25,002 >> You're changing the subject. You know what? 1162 01:14:25,002 --> 01:14:27,505 Let me just look at this CD. okay, well, there you go. 1163 01:14:27,505 --> 01:14:29,966 It's a piece of bologna. >> Damn it. 1164 01:14:29,966 --> 01:14:32,134 >> Oh, no. That means our CD is between 1165 01:14:32,134 --> 01:14:34,053 two slices of bread in our lunch box. 1166 01:14:34,053 --> 01:14:37,014 >> [ Groans ] >> Come on, you guys. 1167 01:14:37,014 --> 01:14:39,517 Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I was really hoping 1168 01:14:39,517 --> 01:14:41,519 to hear something to help me get in the spirit. 1169 01:14:41,519 --> 01:14:44,146 >> Look, if you're implying that we're not professional, let me 1170 01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:47,149 ask you a question. How many unprofessional bands 1171 01:14:47,149 --> 01:14:50,569 have a full‐time backup singer? >> You guys have a backup 1172 01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:51,570 singer? >> Yeah. 1173 01:14:51,570 --> 01:14:53,906 And guess what band he used to back up. 1174 01:14:53,906 --> 01:15:00,079 >> Both: AC/DC! >> All right, you know what? 1175 01:15:00,079 --> 01:15:01,872 Let's bring him out. Please welcome our backup 1176 01:15:01,872 --> 01:15:03,708 singer, Jan Pockabook. 1177 01:15:15,428 --> 01:15:19,181 >> Hi. I'm sorry I was late. I was putting up a shelf, and i 1178 01:15:19,181 --> 01:15:21,851 put it up like this. >> We just ‐‐ we just did that. 1179 01:15:21,851 --> 01:15:23,394 >> Totally done that. >> We just ‐‐ 1180 01:15:23,394 --> 01:15:25,021 >> Everything falls on the floor. 1181 01:15:25,021 --> 01:15:27,690 >> We just put it up like that. >> All right, well, I can see 1182 01:15:27,690 --> 01:15:30,026 why you guys are friends. Hey, are you guys gonna sing 1183 01:15:30,026 --> 01:15:32,194 another song? >> Yes, and this is gonna prove 1184 01:15:32,194 --> 01:15:35,531 once and for all that we do not make up our songs, Seth. 1185 01:15:35,531 --> 01:15:39,535 >> So, get ready to enjoy... >> Together: "Pilgrims Are 1186 01:15:39,535 --> 01:15:44,665 Always Friendly Unless They're Pushed to Their Limits, Because 1187 01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:50,880 There's Not One Pilgrim Who's Gonna Be Mad Forever, Right?" 1188 01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:55,634 >> No. >> Okay, ready? 1189 01:15:55,634 --> 01:15:58,095 >> Here we go. >> And one and a‐two and ‐‐ 1190 01:15:58,095 --> 01:16:02,892 >> Together: ♪ Hey, I believe ♪ I believe that pilgrims like 1191 01:16:02,892 --> 01:16:06,228 to button their shirts ♪ ♪ Button their shirts 1192 01:16:06,228 --> 01:16:10,066 ♪ Button their shirts ♪ In the mirror 1193 01:16:10,066 --> 01:16:14,236 ♪ In the mirror ♪ And they look at themselves 1194 01:16:14,236 --> 01:16:18,824 and say, "Thanksgiving is gonna come" ♪ 1195 01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:21,243 ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪ No, no, no, no, no 1196 01:16:21,243 --> 01:16:23,662 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 1197 01:16:23,662 --> 01:16:31,253 ♪ Mayflower made a big mistake ♪ ♪ Plymouth Rock is so comfy 1198 01:16:31,253 --> 01:16:34,090 ♪ So comfy >> All right, you know what? 1199 01:16:34,090 --> 01:16:38,094 Okay. >> Together: ♪ It's so right 1200 01:16:38,094 --> 01:16:40,471 >> Enough. Enough. 1201 01:16:40,471 --> 01:16:42,807 [ Cheers and applause ] >> Thank you. 1202 01:16:42,807 --> 01:16:46,602 It's good. >> All right, guys, not only was 1203 01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:50,523 that not written, but why do you call him a backup singer if he 1204 01:16:50,523 --> 01:16:52,942 just sings with you the whole time? 1205 01:16:52,942 --> 01:16:55,444 >> We could ask you the same question. 1206 01:16:55,444 --> 01:16:58,114 >> What? Okay, I'm sorry, you guys all 1207 01:16:58,114 --> 01:17:00,449 have to go now. >> No, sir! Please, sir! 1208 01:17:00,449 --> 01:17:03,202 >> Please! We're on our knees! Have mercy! Please! 1209 01:17:03,202 --> 01:17:05,037 >> Please! We came all the way from 1210 01:17:05,037 --> 01:17:08,541 Dollywood! The food there is so good. 1211 01:17:08,541 --> 01:17:10,543 >> It's so good. I don't want to talk about it. 1212 01:17:10,543 --> 01:17:12,044 It's too yummy. >> It's so good. 1213 01:17:12,044 --> 01:17:14,547 >> They have these chicken sticks that you can just walk 1214 01:17:14,547 --> 01:17:18,050 around with and eat at your leisure. 1215 01:17:18,050 --> 01:17:22,221 >> So good. >> You guys said you were at the 1216 01:17:22,221 --> 01:17:24,974 Empire State Building, and you said you were putting up a 1217 01:17:24,974 --> 01:17:27,643 vertical shelf. >> Uh, Seth, guess what, man ‐‐ 1218 01:17:27,643 --> 01:17:30,855 don't sweat the small stuff. >> Okay, buddy. 1219 01:17:30,855 --> 01:17:33,232 >> Okay, our last song has music, so you're gonna know that 1220 01:17:33,232 --> 01:17:34,692 we worked hard on this. >> Great. 1221 01:17:34,692 --> 01:17:36,360 >> This is called "Delicious Memories." 1222 01:17:36,360 --> 01:17:38,487 >> Perfect. [ Mid‐tempo music plays ] 1223 01:17:38,487 --> 01:17:41,490 >> Together: ♪ If the Turkey Is a‐cookin', then I'm a‐comin' 1224 01:17:41,490 --> 01:17:43,200 runnin' ♪ ♪ I love it 1225 01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:47,371 ♪ I won't lie ♪ I need a fork and a plate and 1226 01:17:47,371 --> 01:17:51,292 a pretty date, and a slice of pumpkin pie ♪ 1227 01:17:51,292 --> 01:17:54,879 >> So far, so cute. >> Together: ♪ But there's a 1228 01:17:54,879 --> 01:17:58,340 blindfold ♪ ♪ There's a blindfold on top of 1229 01:17:58,340 --> 01:18:02,511 the cornucopia ♪ ♪ Cornucopia 1230 01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:06,682 Say what? That's not the right theme. 1231 01:18:06,682 --> 01:18:10,686 Yes, it is. ♪ Oh, b‐b‐b‐b‐Baby 1232 01:18:10,686 --> 01:18:13,689 ♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪ Pass the mashed potatoes 1233 01:18:13,689 --> 01:18:17,401 I'm allergic. I'm allergic. 1234 01:18:17,401 --> 01:18:20,863 Wait a minute. >> Garth and Kat and Jan, 1235 01:18:20,863 --> 01:18:21,572 everybody. 1236 01:18:24,033 --> 01:18:28,704 >> CRISP WEATHER, THE CRACKLE OF LEAVES UNDERFOOT, CUDDLING UP IN 1237 01:18:28,704 --> 01:18:32,583 YOUR FAVORITE SWEATER. FALL IS OFFICIALLY HERE, WHICH 1238 01:18:32,583 --> 01:18:36,545 MEANS IT'S FINALLY TIME TO ENJOY ALL THOSE UNIQUE LEAF‐FALL 1239 01:18:36,545 --> 01:18:40,299 FLAVORS AND SCENTS, EVERYWHERE FROM YOUR COFFEE TO YOUR 1240 01:18:40,299 --> 01:18:42,718 CANDLES. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEMININE 1241 01:18:42,718 --> 01:18:43,594 PRODUCTS? 1242 01:18:43,886 --> 01:18:47,389 FROM THE MAKERS OF SUMMER'S EVE COMES AUTUMN'S EVE 1243 01:18:47,389 --> 01:18:51,310 PUMPKIN SPICE DOUCHE ‐‐ THE FIRST INTIMATE‐CARE WASH WITH 1244 01:18:51,310 --> 01:18:55,231 ALL THE BOLD, SPICY FLAVORS OF FALL, BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS 1245 01:18:55,231 --> 01:18:59,568 "CLEAN" LIKE WARM, GOOEY PUMPKIN AND HOT, ITCHY CINNAMON. 1246 01:18:59,568 --> 01:19:03,239 >> FINALLY, MY INTIMATES CAN HAVE THAT WARM, INVITING SCENT 1247 01:19:03,239 --> 01:19:07,409 THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR MOM. MY HUSBAND LOVES IT. 1248 01:19:07,409 --> 01:19:11,538 >> THANKS TO AUTUMN'S EVE, NOW MY PERSONAL AREA CAN SMELL LIKE 1249 01:19:11,538 --> 01:19:15,251 THANKSGIVING ALL SEASON LONG, AND THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL 1250 01:19:15,251 --> 01:19:17,920 BE THANKFUL FOR. >> WHY SHOULD YOUR MOUTH HAVE 1251 01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:20,256 ALL THE FUN? [ CHUCKLES ] 1252 01:19:20,256 --> 01:19:26,428 [ LAUGHTER ] >> SO, HURRY OVER TO YOUR LOCAL 1253 01:19:26,428 --> 01:19:30,516 PHARMACY OR FARMSTAND AND PICK UP AUTUMN'S EVE PUMPKIN SPICE 1254 01:19:30,516 --> 01:19:34,103 DOUCHE. [ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ] 1255 01:19:34,103 --> 01:19:38,357 AUTUMN'S EVE ‐‐ FROM THE MAKERS OF SAINT PATRICK'S EVE SHAMROCK 1256 01:19:38,357 --> 01:19:41,443 DOUCHE AND CHRISTMAS EVE PEPPERMINT DOUCHE. 1257 01:19:41,443 --> 01:19:57,543 >> OOH! 1258 01:19:57,543 --> 01:19:59,545 (Musicbox playing) 1259 01:19:59,545 --> 01:20:02,298 (Cheers and applause) 1260 01:20:02,298 --> 01:20:05,092 ♪It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,♪ 1261 01:20:05,092 --> 01:20:07,136 ♪a beautiful day for a neighbor.♪ 1262 01:20:07,136 --> 01:20:09,138 ♪Would you be mine? 1263 01:20:09,138 --> 01:20:11,223 ♪Could you be mine? 1264 01:20:11,223 --> 01:20:15,644 ♪I've always wanted to live in a house like yours my friend.♪ 1265 01:20:15,644 --> 01:20:19,356 ♪Maybe when nobody's home, I'll break in.♪ 1266 01:20:19,356 --> 01:20:22,276 ♪It feels really good to walk streets again after being♪ 1267 01:20:22,276 --> 01:20:23,986 ♪in jail doing 7 to 10. 1268 01:20:23,986 --> 01:20:25,988 ♪Would you be mine? Want to be mine?♪ 1269 01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:28,657 ♪I wish you were my neighbor. 1270 01:20:28,657 --> 01:20:29,783 (Laughter and applause) 1271 01:20:30,659 --> 01:20:32,661 Hello boys and girls. 1272 01:20:32,661 --> 01:20:35,622 I just came back from the grocery store. 1273 01:20:35,622 --> 01:20:38,500 You know a dollar doesn't buy what it used to anymore. 1274 01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:41,462 That's why it pays to be a careful shopper nowadays. 1275 01:20:41,462 --> 01:20:43,589 You know, 10 years ago, this little bag of groceries would 1276 01:20:43,589 --> 01:20:45,716 have cost $5.00. 1277 01:20:45,716 --> 01:20:51,138 But today, $46.79. 1278 01:20:51,138 --> 01:20:54,266 Wow, that's a lot of money boys and girls, 1279 01:20:54,266 --> 01:20:57,144 especially for a lady who can only afford to give me a quarter 1280 01:20:57,144 --> 01:20:58,729 to carry this to her car. 1281 01:20:58,729 --> 01:21:00,773 (Laughter) 1282 01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:03,317 I felt so bad for her, I carried the rest of the way 1283 01:21:03,317 --> 01:21:04,360 to my apartment for free. 1284 01:21:04,360 --> 01:21:05,569 (Laughter) 1285 01:21:05,569 --> 01:21:08,405 to my apartment for free. 1286 01:21:08,405 --> 01:21:09,782 (Laughter) 1287 01:21:09,782 --> 01:21:12,201 She learned that $46.00 worth of groceries 1288 01:21:12,201 --> 01:21:14,912 is worth more than 25 stinking cents. 1289 01:21:14,912 --> 01:21:16,914 (Laughter) 1290 01:21:16,914 --> 01:21:21,001 Let's see what we bought today boys and girls. 1291 01:21:21,001 --> 01:21:23,128 (Soft laughter) 1292 01:21:23,128 --> 01:21:25,214 You know, groceries are an essential part 1293 01:21:25,214 --> 01:21:28,133 of today's food supply, to stay healthy and fast on your feet 1294 01:21:28,133 --> 01:21:30,052 like Mr. Robinson, 1295 01:21:30,052 --> 01:21:32,513 you need lots of nutrition. 1296 01:21:32,513 --> 01:21:34,390 (Soft laughter) 1297 01:21:34,390 --> 01:21:37,726 See, nu trit ion. 1298 01:21:37,726 --> 01:21:39,228 (Laughter) 1299 01:21:39,228 --> 01:21:41,313 Someone screwed up boys and girls. 1300 01:21:41,313 --> 01:21:43,524 This word is supposed to say nutrition. 1301 01:21:43,524 --> 01:21:45,067 (Laughter) 1302 01:21:45,067 --> 01:21:47,569 Every day you should try to eat something from each 1303 01:21:47,569 --> 01:21:51,740 of the seven basic food groups, like milk and dairy products. 1304 01:21:53,742 --> 01:21:55,577 Fruit drinks and other liquids. 1305 01:21:55,577 --> 01:21:57,413 (Laughter) 1306 01:21:57,413 --> 01:21:58,914 Sandwiches. 1307 01:21:58,914 --> 01:22:00,624 (Laughter) 1308 01:22:00,624 --> 01:22:01,959 Frozen foods. 1309 01:22:01,959 --> 01:22:03,794 (Laughter) 1310 01:22:03,794 --> 01:22:05,421 Meat and meat by products. 1311 01:22:05,421 --> 01:22:07,464 (Laughter and applause) 1312 01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:12,094 Tuna fish so that your body gets enough oil. 1313 01:22:12,094 --> 01:22:13,429 (Laughter) 1314 01:22:13,429 --> 01:22:15,764 And finally expensive foods. 1315 01:22:15,764 --> 01:22:18,225 You don't have to be rich to eat fancy meals, 1316 01:22:18,225 --> 01:22:21,437 not if you're a comparison shopper like Mr. Robinson. 1317 01:22:21,437 --> 01:22:25,190 This Turkey has the same amount of nutrition as a T bone steak 1318 01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:27,776 but if you compare the two packages like I did, 1319 01:22:27,776 --> 01:22:30,612 you'll see the steaks fits under your clothes a whole lot easier. 1320 01:22:30,612 --> 01:22:32,322 (Loud laughter and applause) 1321 01:22:34,658 --> 01:22:36,410 You try walking out of the supermarket 1322 01:22:36,410 --> 01:22:39,580 with one of these inner joys, little boys and girls, 1323 01:22:39,580 --> 01:22:42,624 and you learn today's other new word, 1324 01:22:44,835 --> 01:22:46,962 (Laughter) 1325 01:22:46,962 --> 01:22:49,590 We already learned the word up here. 1326 01:22:49,590 --> 01:22:52,217 Prosecuted as the one we got to look out for though. 1327 01:22:52,217 --> 01:22:53,719 (Knocking on door) 1328 01:22:53,719 --> 01:22:55,554 Open up Robinson. 1329 01:22:55,554 --> 01:22:58,348 I know you're in there. 1330 01:22:58,348 --> 01:23:00,767 (Laughter) 1331 01:23:00,767 --> 01:23:03,770 Why, it's our old friend Mr. Landlord. 1332 01:23:03,770 --> 01:23:06,106 Let's find out what he wants. 1333 01:23:10,986 --> 01:23:12,654 (Laughter) 1334 01:23:19,119 --> 01:23:20,204 (Speaking loud) What do you want, man? 1335 01:23:20,204 --> 01:23:21,872 (Laughter) 1336 01:23:21,872 --> 01:23:25,042 Some cops want to ask you about a bag of groceries. 1337 01:23:25,042 --> 01:23:27,377 Open up, Robinson. 1338 01:23:28,045 --> 01:23:29,963 (Laughter) 1339 01:23:29,963 --> 01:23:32,925 Another important thing about groceries boys and girls who 1340 01:23:32,925 --> 01:23:36,136 is that they have to be kept in a cool, dry place. 1341 01:23:36,136 --> 01:23:39,014 Too much heat make them spoil and right now, 1342 01:23:39,014 --> 01:23:41,058 it's a bit too hot at Mr. Robinson's apartment. 1343 01:23:41,058 --> 01:23:42,643 (Laughter) 1344 01:23:42,643 --> 01:23:45,354 So I'm going to put all of these in a bag and go find a place 1345 01:23:45,354 --> 01:23:47,731 that's much cooler like maybe Willy's. 1346 01:23:47,731 --> 01:23:49,233 His place it's real cool. 1347 01:23:49,233 --> 01:23:50,150 (Laughter) 1348 01:23:50,150 --> 01:23:52,903 His place it's real cool. 1349 01:23:52,903 --> 01:23:56,865 Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll come back tomorrow♪ 1350 01:23:56,865 --> 01:23:59,743 ♪when the coast is clear. 1351 01:23:59,743 --> 01:24:00,744 Goodbye boys and girls. 1352 01:24:02,704 --> 01:24:05,123 (Cheers and applause)