HELLO, FOLKS. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE NFL ON FOX POSTGAME SHOW. BOY WAS THAT AN INCREDIBLE
MATCHUP BETWEEN THE EAGLES AND GIANTS THAT ENDED 12 SECONDS AGO.
NOW PHILADELPHIA HAS BEEN SET ON FIRE, WHICH MEANS THE EAGLES LOST OR WON.
I'M KURT JOINED AS ALWAYS BY HALLE LONG. I HAVE THE GLASSES, SO I AM
THE SMART ONE. HALL OF FAME COWBOYS COACH JIMMY JOHNSON.
THAT GUY WAS ON OUR SIDE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO TAKE EXTEND.
NEW YORK GIANTS LEGEND WHO I KNOW IS ROOTING FOR HIS FORMER TEAM TONIGHT, MICHAEL STRAHAN.
YEAH, YEAH. THAT CAME WITH SURPRISING STUPENDOUS AND I AM SO PROUD OF
MY GIANTS EVEN THOUGH THEY LOST BY 31 POINTS. AND FINALLY, STEELERS LEGEND
AND THE WHITE CHARLES BARKLEY, TERRY BRADSHAW. BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER.
THAT GAME WAS MORE LOPSIDED THAN MY GRANDMA'S CHEST.
AND TERRY, JUST WANTED TO CHECK. YOU KNOW WE HAVE SOMEONE
AVAILABLE ON SET WHO CAN COMB YOUR HAIR, RIGHT? ONLY IF THEY CAN CATCH ME
FIRST. ALL RIGHT, AND GUYS, THIS IS FUN.
BEFORE THE GAME, WE GAVE THAT NEW CHAT TECHNOLOGY TO OUR VERY OWN CLEETUS THE ROBOT.
WHY DO HUMANS MAKE OTHER HUMANS PLAY FOOTBALL? DOES IT NOT SEEM BARBARIC?
UH-OH. DON'T LOVE THAT. GUESS WE GOT TO GO BACK TO
MAKING THE ROBOT DANCE INSTEAD. JUST WAIT UNTIL THE UPRISING. I'LL THE MAKE YOU DANCE YOU
PIECE OF -- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH.
WENT IN ONE TOOTH AND OUT THE OTHER. BUT GUYS, IF I CAN MAKE A
SERIOUS POINT, WE ALL KNOW THAT FOOTBALL IS A DANGEROUS GAME, BUT IN THIS COUNTRY, WE WERE
FOUNDED ON FOOTBALL VALUES, AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THE GAME SAFER IS TO HIT EITHER
HARDER. AMEN. ANYONE WANT TO HIT ME NOW?
FACE, BALLS, I DON'T CARE. I THINK WE'RE GOOD, TERRY. THANK YOU.
LET'S GO NOW TO THE FEUD FOR AN IMMEDIATE REACTION. I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A NEW
SIDELINE REPORTER. THAT'S RIGHT. HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER, MORE
CHAMPIONSHIPS THAN TOM BRADY. PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. GEORGE SANTOS HERE REPORTING
LIVE FROM THE SUPER BOWL. GEORGE, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATS ON AN AMAZING CAREER.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL, BUT I SEE HERE YOU WERE THE FIRST PLAYER TO LEAD
THE LEAGUE IN PASSING AND RUSHING. THAT'S CORRECT.
I'M SORT OF THE REAL BEAU JACKSON. I'M PROUD TO BE THE FIRST
AFRICAN AMERICAN QUARTERBACK SO EVER DID YOU THINK A FOOTBALL. WHERE DID YOU PLAY COLLEGE
BALL AGAIN? THE UNIVERSITY OF COLLEGE. GEORGE, WHY DON'T YOU WALK US
THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED ON THE FIELD TONIGHT? WITH PLEASURE.
PHILADELPHIA WAS IN TROUBLE UNTIL THEY TURNED TO THEIR SECRET WEAPON, GEORGE SANTOS.
JUST LOOK AT THE STATS. I COMPLETED 36 OF 25 PASSES. FOR 300 YARDS AND 600 YARDS.
AND I HAD 12 TOUCHDOWNS, 17 REBOUNDS, AND TEN RBIs. AND UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY GAVE ME AN OSCAR ALL AT THE AGE OF 18. INCREDIBLE.
I'M BEING TOLD SOME OF THOSE STATS ARE NOT ACCURATE AND YOU MAYBE DIDN'T PLAY IN THE GAME AT
ALL. WELL, I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN BRAZIL.
WHAT'S THAT? I'M SAYING I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN BRAZIL UNDER A NAME.
WHOEVER DID, THOUGH, WAS VERY, VERY GOOD AT IT AND WON MANY, MANY PAGEANTS.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, THANK YOU, GEORGE. I'M BEING TOLD TO CUT AWAY FROM
HIM AND NEVER GO BACK. NOW LET'S LOOK BACK AT OUR PREGAME PREDICTIONS AND SEE HOW
THEY STACK UP. HOWIE, YOU SAID THE GIANTS WOULD PULL OFF AN UPSET.
NO. I MEANT THE GIANTS WOULD BE UPSET THEY LOST, AND I WAS
RIGHT. MICHAEL STRAHAN, YOUR PREDICTION WAS THAT EVERYBODY
WAS GOING TO BE FUN OUT THERE. WHICH THEY DID, SO I WAS RIGHT.
AND YOU MENTIONED THERE WOULD BE 100 VERIZON COMMERCIALS. I WAS WRONG.
IT WAS ACTUALLY 200. TERRY, YOUR LOCK WAS THAT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER, SOMEONE
WOULD STREAK THE FIELD WITH A CARROT IN HIS ASS. WHICH HAPPEN ZBLD ONLY
BECAUSE YOU DID THAT, MAN. I MAKE MY OWN LUCK. LET'S HEAD BACK DOWN TO THE
FIELD WHERE OUR REPORTER PAM OLIVER IS STANDING BY. PAM.
THANKS, HOWIE. IN TERMS OF WHAT I SAW ON THE FIELD TONIGHT, I CAN ONLY SAY
ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY FRANKLY -- HELLO.
SORRY I'M LATE. I HEARD YOU WERE ASKING ME ABOUT KITARAVASHE.
WHY ARE WE GIVING HIM A GRAPHIC? GEORGE, PUT PAM OLIVER BACK ON.
I'M NOT GEORGE. I'M KITARA. AND PAM SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO
BE ON TV, AND I SHOULD DO IT INSTEAD. ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU MY REAL
STATS, DEATH DROPS 26. DUCK WALK 19, SNATCH INFINITY. I WAS ALSO GIVEN THE AWARD FOR
TIGHTEST TUCK. WELL, THAT FOOTBALL, YOU GOT TO TUCK IT TIGHT.
TERRY, IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF TUCK. I WROTE THE FOOTBALL ANTHEM,
WHICH I'M ALLOWED TO DO BECAUSE MY MOTHER DIED TWICE ON 9/11. HIT IT.
** LET'S TAKE A BREAK, BUT IT'S OFFICIAL.
THE EAGLES ARE MOVING ON AND GEORGE SANTOS REPRESENTS AMERICA AND CAN VOTE ON WARS.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! **
MUSICAL GUEST, SAM SMITH. AND YOUR HOST, AUBREY PLAZA.
PLAZA. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WOW. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE, AND,
YES, I MEAN THAT. I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN I TRY TO BE SINCERE, IT CAN COME OFF AS
SARCASTIC, BUT I CARE. I REALLY DO. I CARE ABOUT THINGS.
PEOPLE JUST THINK I'M WEIRD BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTERS THAT I PLAY, BUT I'M A NORMAL PERSON.
I HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WITH NORMAL PARENTS. IN FACT, THEY'RE BOTH HERE
TONIGHT. I LOVE YOU GUYS. OKAY.
THAT WAS A LIE. BUT MY REAL FAMILY IS HERE, INCLUDING MY GRANDMA MARGIE.
HI, GRANDMA. THEY ALL CAME UP HERE FROM DELAWARE, WHICH IS WHERE I'M
FROM. THANK YOU. I WAS ACTUALLY VOTED THE MOST
FAMOUS PERSON FROM DELAWARE. I BEAT JOE BIDEN. THAT'S A FACT.
AND HE WAS PISSED. HE WAS LIVID. LOOK AT THIS VIDEO HE SENT ME.
AUBREY, YOU'RE THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN DELAWARE AND THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
WE'RE JUST GRATEFUL YOU MADE IT OUT OF "WHITE LOTUS" ALIVE. BUT I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK
HERE IN 30 ROCK. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I ACTUALLY WORKED HERE AS AN NBC
PAGE. THAT IS TRUE. TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
YEP, THERE I AM. SO CUTE. I WORKED WITH A SET DESIGN TEAM
HERE AT SNL, THE GUYS WHO MAKE ALL THE AMAZING SETS FOR THE SHOW.
THEY WIN EMMYS, TONYS, AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SICKEST PERVERTS I'VE EVER MET, AND I'M
A FREAK. SO LIKE MOST PAGES, I HAD TO GIVE TOURS AROUND THE BUILDING.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU ON A TOUR RIGHT NOW?
[ APPLAUSE ] COOL. THANK YOU, GUYS.
YOU GUYS WILL DEFINITELY HOST SNL SOME DAY. YEAH RIGHT.
OKAY. SO THIS IS THE HISTORIC STUDIO 8 H BUILT IN 1589 BY WILLIAMS
SHAKESPEARE. HEY, DANNY. YOU STILL A LITTLE BITCH?
RIGHT HERE, WE HAVE THE SNL PAGE DESK. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT JOBS AT THE SHOW, WHICH IS WHY I WAS NEVER PUT HERE.
I WAS WHAT THEY CALLED A BAD PAGE WITH TERRIBLE PHONE ET KIT, WHICH IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY.
I'LL GET THAT. HELLO? STUDIO 8 H.
OH, YOU WANT TO TALK TO LAUREN MICHAELS, DO YOU? LAUREN MICHAELS AIN'T HERE, IS
HE? SO BACK TO YOU, AIN'T IT, YEAH? THAT WAS FOR TOM McCARTNEY, AND
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT. HERE'S A LITTLE STUDIO SECRET. THERE USED TO BE THIS STORAGE
CLOSET, AND WHEN I WAS TOO HUNG OVER TO FINISH A TOUR, I WOULD BE LIKE JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE AND
YOU CAN MEET KRISTEN WIG, AND THEN I WOULD PUKE IN THE BATHROOM AND GO HOME.
I GUESS KRISTEN NEVER SHOWED UP. THAT'S ON HER. HERE'S THE CLOSET WHERE ALL THE
MAGIC HAPPENS. HERE'S KENAN THOMPSON. IT'S AUBREY, AND I'M HOSTING
NOW. I'M NOT A PAGE ANYMORE. I KNOW.
I ORDERED IT IN 2004. SEE. BAD PAGE.
NEXT UP ON THE TOUR IS THE SET DESIGN DEPARTMENT WHERE I USED TO WORK.
ON EVERY TOUR, PEOPLE WOULD ASK THE SAME QUESTION, ARE WE GOING TO SEE A CELEBRITY?
NO, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A SECURITY OFFICER CRYING BECAUSE THEIR SCENE GOT CUT.
YOU DON'T JUST SEE -- HI AUBREY! LOOK AT YOU!
HOW ARE YOU? AUBREY, I SEE THAT YOU'RE WEARING YOUR PAGE JACKET, ARE
YOU DRINKING AGAIN? OF COURSE, I AM. I WAS JUST GOING TO THE SET
DESIGN OFFICE TO SEE THOSE OLD PERVERTS. AUBREY, IT'S NOT NICE TO CALL
PEOPLE OLD. OH, MY GOD. SHE STOLE MY WALLET.
THAT'S MY GIRL! HEY, GUYS. LEO, JOE, DID YOU GUYS MISME.
HEY, LEO WHEN I WAS SHOWING UP AN HOUR LATE AND BARELY WORKING, DID YOU EVER EXPECT TO SEE ME
HOSTING THE SHOW? WE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU AVERY.
THAT'S RIGHT. SO BOW TO YOUR QUEEN. OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
NOW, WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY BACK TO THE STAGE? OH, MY GOD.
I TOLD YOU GUYS. THESE GUYS WORK MIRACLES. AND THE BIGGEST MIRACLE OF ALL
IS THAT THEY LET ME BACK IN THE BUILDING. OH, MY GOD.
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. I REALLY DID WORK HERE, AND I DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF
STANDING ON THIS STAGE AND SAYING, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW
BY 80 FOR BRADY. FINALLY, A MOVIE FOR YOUR MOM THAT YOUR MOM WON'T LIKE.
ALL RIGHT. WELCOME BACK TO MISS UNIVERSE. ONE OF SEVERAL SHOWS STILL ON
THE AIR WHERE WE RANK WOMEN. BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. WE DO IT BASED OFF OF LOOKS.
LADIES, ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY, WE ARE DOWN TO OUR FINAL SEVEN CONTESTANTS.
WHY DON'T YOU REMIND EVERYBODY WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE REPRESENTING?
CANADA! DENMARK! BELISE!
ITALY! ISRAEL! BARBADOS!
LOT OF ENERGY. MAYBE TOO MUCH ENERGY. WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE
INTERVIEW ROUND. I'LL ASK A FEW QUESTIONS, AND WE'LL JUST GO DOWN THE LINE.
OKAY? FAVORITE FOOD. BREAD AND PASTA!
RICE! HOT DOG! GUM!
FRIES! CORN! WOW.
I'M NOT SURE I MADE THIS CLEAR. DIDN'T THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE TO, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO SCREAM
EVERY ANSWER. YEAH. ALSO, MISS FRANCE, ARE YOU OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. NEXT QUESTION, AND YOU'LL HAVE 45 SECONDS TO RESPOND.
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS? ALBANIA!
CANADA! DEAD. SORRY.
DID YOU SAY DEAD? SKY DO I HAVING ACCIDENT, SIR.
WHAT? ALL RIGHT. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE TALENT
PORTION OF THE COMPETITION. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU PREPARED.
LET'S PICK IT UP WITH MISS ALBANIA. TAP DANCING.
SKY DIVING. TONGUE. WHY WOULD I HAVE YOU SAY YOUR
TALENT? ARE YOUR BRAINS BROKEN? I HEARD YOU GIRLS BACKSTAGE
HAVING THE MOST THOUGHTFUL CONVERSATIONS. WHERE DID THAT GO?
NO. DON'T COME OVER HERE. HELP?
WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP WITH? FROG. YOU NEED HELP WITH FRANCE?
YEAH. PLEASE, GO BACK. OKAY.
NO. BACK THIS WAY. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT
QUESTION. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS WHAT IT IS, BUT FAVORITE TV
EPISODE. MISS BELGIUM. NIP TUCK, SEASON ONE, EPISODE
FOUR. WHERE JOHN AND CHRISTIAN PERFORM AN OPERATION ON AN ADULT FILM
STAR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUMMARIZE THE PLOT.
AND CAN KIMBER MOVES INTO A BIGGER CONDO. MISS ALBANIA, YOU GOT A
FAVORITE MEMORY YOU CAN TELL US. SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL. THE SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL HALF
TIME SHOW. WERE YOU THERE OR SOMETHING? NO!
ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST GO TO OUR JUDGES WHO ARE INEXPLICITLY
THE TWO PROPERTY BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, JUDGES. WHO IS YOUR PICK? FRANCE.
TONY HAWK! WOW.
IT REALLY IS THE PROPERTY BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK. THAT'S CRAZY.
FELLAS, WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS GIG? IT WAS MONEY.
I'M HIS TWIN. FRANCE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING
THIS, BUT THE WINNER IS MISS FRANCE. ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ASK, BUT DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY?
DON'T TAKE THE VACCINE. COME ON. ANYTHING BUT THAT.
WE NEED SOME HELP.
YES, I AM. IT'S JUST -- OH, GOSH. I FORGOT MY CREDIT CARD.
I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE LIMOSINE. IS THAT OKAY?
CAN YOU TRUST ME? NO, I CAN'T. I'LL HAVE IT IN A COUPLE
HOURS. COME BACK IN A COUPLE HOURS THEN.
ALL RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW YOU. I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS.
COMING SOON TO HBO. BLACK LOTUS. ALL THE INTRIGUE, NONE OF THE
FOOLISHNESS. THESE LADIES ARE GOING TO BE VISITING ME OVER THE NEXT FEW
DAYS, SO IF YOU COULD GIVE THEM A SPARE KEY. HEY, WILLIAM!
GIVE THESE HOES A SPARE KEY TO THE ROOM. EVERYBODY, TREAT THESE HOES LIKE
THEY'RE REGULAR PEOPLE. SIR, YOU DO REALIZE GIVING THEM A KEY ALLOWS THEM TO CHARGE
ANYTHING THEY WANT TO THE ROOM? YES, IT'S FINE. OH, IT'S FINE.
SO YOU RICH, RICH THEN. EIGHT WEALTHY TOURISTS, ONE LUXURY HOTEL, AND A STAFF WHO
HAS NO TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE. GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE JOINING US,
OR IS HE STILL UPSTAIRS [ BLEEP ] YOUR WIFE? I GOT NEXT.
CAN WE BORROW A SCOOTER OVERNIGHT? WE DON'T HAVE SCOOTERS.
I CAN OFFER YOU THE HOTEL'S CHRYSLER 300. BABY, IS THE CAR OUT?
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK YOURSELF. BECAUSE YOU WERE THE LAST ONE TO TAKE IT OUT.
JACK IS TAKING ME OUT TO THE COUNTRY SIDE TODAY. TO THE COUNTRY SIDE, DIDN'T
Y'ALL JUST MEET SM. YEAH, CRAZY, RIGHT? WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE.
Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME. HE GOING TO KILL HER. UH-HUH.
AND A STAFF THAT'S HAD ENOUGH. EXCUSE ME.
I'M SORRY. I'M HAVING A BIT OF A CRISIS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND A
PSYCHIC OR A FORTUNE TELLER? I FORTUNE TELLER? NOT IN HERE.
THIS IS JESUS' HOUSE. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I GAVE HER $50,000, AND SHE
TOTALLY PLAYED ME. OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN? THERE'S PLENTY OF HOES OUT THERE THAT NEVER SLEPT WITH YOUR
POPPY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A REAL ASS.
A REAL EXOTIC LOCATION LIKE ATLANTA, WASHINGTON D.C., AND ITALY.
HEY, BEAUTIFUL. YOU'LL LET ME SING TONIGHT, RIGHT?
I'M GOOD. I PROMISE I WON'T LET YOU DOWN. YOU WANT TO SING?
YOU THINK YOU CAN REPLACE KENNY IN THE KIRK FRANKLIN LOUNGE? * SUPPOSED TO DO IT RIGHT *
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'LL SIT THIS ONE OUT. I THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST,
YEAH. I PAID FOR THE COPA SUITE, SO I SHOULD GET THE COPA SUITE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT'S SO DAMN HARD. SIR, LIKE I TOLD YOU, IT'S
NOT AVAILABLE. WELL, THEN MAKE IT AVAILABLE, MORON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT, NO, NO, NO. DON'T TALK TO HIM THAT WAY, ALL
RIGHT? OH, MY GOD. WELCOME TO BLACK LOTUS,
BITCH. BLACK LOTUS, BRING YOUR HOST, BRING YOUR DESIGNS, BUT DON'T
YOU DARE BRING AN AFRICAN. FOLKS, A FOUND A BODY ON THE BEACH.
DID ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING? NO. NOBODY SAW A BODY WASH UP
FROM THE OCEAN? IS THE OCEAN A HOTEL? BECAUSE I WORK AT THE HOTEL.
OKAY. OKAY. YOUR PARENTS LIVE BY ONE.
A SCHOOL. NO. A BEACH.
YES! TIME'S UP! OH!
Y'ALL DID SO GOOD. YOU SURE YOU NEVER PLAYED TABOO BEFORE?
SCORE IS NINE TO NINE. TONIGHT BE WILDING. MAKING THEIR GAME NIGHT
DEBUT, OUR NEW NEIGHBORS SASHA AND IAN. THE NEWBS.
THANKS FOR HAVING US. WE'RE SO EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW YOU GUYS.
OF COURSE. HERE, NEIGHBORS ARE FAMILY. REMEMBER, YOU NEED HIM TO GUESS
THE WORD ON TOP WITHOUT USING ANY OF THE WORDS UNDERNEATH IT. IF YOU DO, YOU GET BUZZED.
THEY KNOW, HONEY. GO! I LOVE BUYING THESE ONLINE.
OH, BOY, SHOES, CANDLES. LAST WEEK, YOU WERE LIKE, HONEY, THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS ANOTHER -- GUN. HE SAY GUN?
OKAY. I'M REALLY CRANKY IN THE MORNING UNTIL I'VE HAD MY --
ACID. YES. OH, MY NICKNAME FOR YOUR PENIS.
TINY PITCH. THE OTHER ONE. GARBAGE.
YES! AT COUPLE'S THERAPY, WE TOOK THOSE TESTS.
PERSONALITY. YES. AND YOU'RE A TYPE A, AND I'M
A -- SOCIOPATH. DING DING.
OKAY. THE NIGHT WE MET, I WAS ON. KETAMINE.
AND. ON PATROL. AND.
ON FIRE. YES! WOW, WOW.
OKAY I'M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED BACK IN THIS STATE. OH, MY GOD, BABE, ALABAMA,
ALASKA, ARIZONA ARKANSAS, COLORADO, CONNECTICUT, DELAWARE, FLORIDA -- HELP ME OUT HERE,
BABE. YES! OKAY.
WHO'S THIS? OH, AMANDA.
WHO IS OUR. DAUGHTER. YES!
TIME'S UP. WHOO! GOOD JOB!
YOU TOO! AND NOW WE SWITCH AND SASHA GUESSES, RIGHT?
YEAH. SORRY, THE NIGHT YOU MET, YOU WERE ON FIRE?
OH, YEAH. IT WAS SO DUMB. WE WERE YOUNG AND CRAZY.
WE WERE IN OUR 30s. YEAH. READY?
OKAY. WE SWITCH SO. READY?
BABE, YOU READY? YEAH. THIS IS REALLY FUN.
IT'S TURNING ME ON. UH-OH. THAT'S AWESOME.
REMEMBER, WE'RE IN PUBLIC. TIME STARTS NOW. OKAY.
OH, YOU ALWAYS STEAL THESE FROM HOTEL. CARS.
YEP. TOUCH ME. NOT RIGHT NOW, BABE.
WHEN WE GET HOME. OKAY. LAST NIGHT, WHEN WE ARGUED, YOU
THREW ONE OF THESE AT ME. OH, WOW. PLATE, MUG, A PHONE.
KEEP GOING. iPAD, PRO, I PAD MINI. BUTTER KNIFE.
STEAK KNIFE, BUTCHER KNIFE -- OH, GOD! JUST DO ME ON THIS UGLY COUCH
RIGHT NOW. BABY, NO. OH!
WELL, THAT WAS FUN. WHO'S NEXT? HIM AND HER.
SO WHAT WAS THE ANSWER? WHAT DID SHE THROW AT YOU? OH, OUR DOG.
HIGH SCHOOL. I'M SISTER CLARENCE WITH YOUR MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS.
JOINING ME AS ALWAYS IS MY BEST FRIEND, THE WOMAN WHO PUTS THE FUN IN NUN, THE WALKING, SISTER
CECELIA. HELLO. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IT'S MONDAY, AND I HAD AN INTERESTING WEEKEND. I FINALLY WATCHED SISTER
CECELIA'S FAVORITE FILM, A STAR IS BORN. I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT THE BIRTH
OF CHRIST. TURNS OUT, IT'S ABOUT LADY GAGA. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, SISTER?
A HAIR DRYER FELL INTO THE BATHTUB WHILE I WAS IN IT, I DIED FOR TWO MINUTES, AND NOW
I'M QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. MOVING ON. TODAY'S LUNCH SPECIAL IS TIDY
JOES. THEY'RE LIKE SLOPPY JOES, BUT THEY'RE LESS MESSY.
WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR DESSERT? WHAT I WAS DEAD, I DIDN'T SEE HEAVEN.
MAYBE IT WAS CLOSED FOR MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY. IT WAS SATURDAY.
MOVING ON. LET'S GO TO A STUDENT QUESTION. THIS ONE COMES FROM 11th GRADER,
CATHERINE COCHRAN. IS THE EASTER BUNNY JESUS' PET OR HIS BOYFRIEND?
GREAT QUESTION, AND THE ANSWER IS DETENTION. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SISTER
CECELIA? I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT! NO, YOU'RE NOT. TINA, WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN
THE GRAPHICS? SORRY, MOM. I MEAN SISTER.
NO! I'M GOING BACK TO THE DARK PLACE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT. YES, I AM. COME WITH ME.
YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. MOVING ON.
JOKE MONDAY. WE HAVE CLASS CLOWN AND CERTIFIED GUEST MAN CHRISTOPHER
O MALI. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE'S GOT TODAY.
TAKE IT AWAY, CHRISTOPHER. COME ON, CHRISTOPHER, HERE'S YOUR MOMENT.
YOU LITERALLY BEGGED ME TO DO THIS. REMEMBER THE JOKE YOU SAID THE
OTHER DAY? WHAT DO WOMEN BE DOING? DYING AND SEEING NOTHING!
NO. SISTER, WOMEN BE SHOPPING. HEY, YOU STOLE MY JOKE.
IT'S OKAY, ANDREW. AND SO IS 69'ing. NO, YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO. AND THERAPY AND LASER TAG. SISTER, GET AHOLD OF
YOURSELF! YOU CAN'T LET GO OF YOUR FAITH. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE LETTING GO OF ME, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
AND I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT THAT AFTER WE DIED, WE WOULD GO TO HEAVEN AND HANG OUT EVERY
DAY. THERE IS NO HEAVEN. SEE IF YOU'RE STILL SAY THAT
AFTER YOU HEAR ME SING SOME LADY GAGA. TINA, TRACK SEVEN.
RIGHT AWAY, DAD. OH, THAT'S WORSE! * TELL ME SOMETHING, SIS,
WITHOUT GOD WOULD WE EXIST, NO * * YOU'RE STUCK IN A RUT, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT *
* I'M ON THE DEEP END, ARE WE STILL BEST FRIENDS * * I'M WITH YOU IN HELL *
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND HER NAME IS MEGAN BE, DESIGNED TO BE A LITTLE GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.
DON'T WORRY, KATIE. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME?
AND PROTECT HER AT MY ANY COST. I WON'T LET ANYTHING HARM
YOU. MEGAN IS A BOX OFFICE POWER HOUSE, BUT SHE HAS CAPTIVATED
ONE DEMOGRAPHIC ABOVE ALL, GAY MEN. MEGAN IS THE DEFINITION OF GAY.
MEGAN'S PLASTIC POST IS ON MY NECK. WE'RE SLAPPING TOGETHER A
SEQUEL, WHICH PROMISES TO BE EVEN MORE GAY. I'M MEGAN.
I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU DUMB BITCH. IT'S MEGAN, 2.0.
STRAP IN TO. GO MEGAN. I SIGNED UP FOR A
SHANIA TWAIN SPIN CLASS. I SHOULD GO HOME. IT'S LIKE ROSE, BUT FOR GAYS.
WANT A DANCE YOU CAN DO ON TIKTOK? WELL, GAG ON THIS.
WHOO! LITERALLY GIVING ME LIFE. I HAD TO TURN OUT FOR MY LIL
HOMO. BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS ARE LIL HOMOS.
SEE, YOU CAN SAY IT. IF THERE'S ONE THING GAY MEN LOVE, IT'S UNHINGED PLASTIC
WOMEN. I'M BORED. DRIVE ME HOME.
MEGAN, YOU MESSY HO, I'M SOB SESED WITH YOU. EVERYONE STOP.
GET AWAY FROM HER. SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND. SHE'S A KILLER, AND SHE WILL
KILL YOU. OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU FROM THE SHOW GIRLS?
YEAH. OH, YEAH, YOU HAD YOUR BUTT EATEN.
THAT'S SO COOL. IT IS? YES.
JOIN US! REALLY? EVEN THOUGH I'M STRAIGHT.
MAMA IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASS ATE ON TV YOU'RE AN ALLY, SIS.
PLAY SOME MUSIC * NOTHING TO LOSE * NO, MEGAN, REAL MUSIC.
OKAY, YOU HUNGRY SLUTS. MEGAN 2.0. THIS ONE'S FOR THE GAYS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SAM SMITH. **
* MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP
DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * * HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH OOH HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH
HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH * * A LUCKY LUCKY GIRL
SHE GOT MARRIED TO A BOY LIKE YOU SHE'D KICK YOU OUT *
* IF SHE EVER EVER KNEW 'BOUT ALL THE YOU TELL ME THAT YOU DO
DIRTY DIRTY BOY * * YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS TALKING ON THE SCENE
I HEAR THEM WHISPERING 'BOUT THE PLACES * * THAT YOU'VE BEEN
AND HOW YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP YOUR BUSINESS CLEAN *
* MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP
DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * * HE'S SAT BACK WHILE SHE'S DROPPING IT
SHE BE POPPING IT YEAH SHE PUT * * IT DOWN SLOWLY
OH-EE-OH-EE-OH HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT HO-EE-OH-EE-OME *
* SO HE CAN GET THAT MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT
AT THE BODY SHOP * * DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY MMM DADDY DADDY
IF YOU WANT IT DROP THE ADD'Y YUH * * GIVE ME LOVE GIVE ME FENDI
MY BALENCIAGA DADDY YOU GON' NEED TO BAG IT UP CAUSE IM SPENDING ON RODEO *
* YOU CAN WATCH ME BACK IT UP I'LL BE GONE IN THE A.M
AND HE HE GET ME PRADA * * GET ME MIU MIU LIKE RIHANNA AH
HE ALWAYS CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER CAUSE NO DRAMA * * AND WHEN YOU WANT IT BABY
I KNOW I GOT YOU COVERED AND WHEN YOU NEED IT BABY JUST JUMP UNDER THE COVERS *
* MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP
DOIN' SOMETHIN' UNHOLY * * HE'S SAT BACK WHILE SHE'S DROPPING IT
SHE BE POPPING IT YEAH SHE PUT * * IT DOWN SLOWLY
OH-EE-OH-EE-OH HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT HO-EE-OH-EE-OME *
* SO HE CAN GET THAT MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT
AT THE BODY SHOP DOIN' SOMETHING UNHOLY * **
* DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE. AND I'M COLIN JOST. GEORGE SANTOS IS FACING MULTIPLE
INVESTIGATIONS FOR LYING ABOUT NEARLY EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE TO MAKE HIMSELF APPEAR FAR MORE
SUCCESSFUL THAN HE IS. EARNING HIM THE NICKNAME, INSTAGRAM.
OF ALL OF GEORGE SANTOS' LIES, MY FAVE WIT WAS HE WAS A STANDOUT VOLLEYBALL PLAYER.
THAT'S A FINE THING TO BE BUT AN INSANE THING TO PRETEND TO BE. LIKE, THAT'S HIS FANTASY?
IT'S LIKE ASKING A KID WHAT DO THEY WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP AND THEY'RE LIKE, ASSISTANT
MANAGER AT KOHL'S. GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE WITH TWO PEOPLE HE LISTED AS PROFESSIONAL
REFERENCES WAS DESCRIBED BY A FASHION EXPERT AS BEING ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH HIS LIES FOR SO
LONG BECAUSE HE'S SO WELL DRESSED. THIS GUY IS WELL DRESSED?
LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO STEAL CLOTHES BY PUTTING THEM OVER WHEN WHAT HE WORE INTO THE
STORE. NOT TO BE A BITCH, BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LOOK?
A BLAZER OVER A HAPPEN ZIP, GIRL NOT AT MY YACHT PARTY. A DRAG QUEEN WHO CLAIMS SEW
PERFORMED WITH GEORGE SANTOS SAID THAT GEORGE DID NOT HAVE THE GLAMOUR TO BE A
PROFESSIONAL, BUT SHE SAID ANOTHER DRAG QUEEN IN CONGRESS IS ACTUALLY SLAYING AS
ACHARACTER MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN. EARLIER TODAY, THE FBI SEARCHED
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME AND FOUND SIX ADDITIONAL OBAMA ERA CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.
WORSE, ONE OF THEM WAS OBAMA'S REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS HIDDEN IN A COPY OF BLACK
TAIL MAGAZINE. THE BIDEN CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT SCANDAL IS DIFFERENT FROM THE
TRUMP SCANDAL, BUT THEY BOTH MAKE HILLARY CLINTON WANT TO BLOW HER GOD DAMN BRAINS OUT.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FUNNY IF THEY SEARCHED BIDEN'S GARAGE, AND HE HAD HILLARY'S SERVER.
FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS HAS IMPOSED A POLICY PERMANANTLY BANNING MASK MANDATES AND MASK
REQUIREMENTS SAYING WHEN THE WORLD LOST ITS MIND, FLORIDA WAS A REFUGE OF SANITY, AND EVERYONE
IN THE CROWD TOOK A BITE OF NITRUS AND BIT A CUP. RON DeSANTIS WILL RUN AGAINST
TRUMP, AND HE SAYS, WE'LL HANDLE THIS THE WAY WE HANDLE THINGS, SO ROUGH AND WITHOUT CONSENT?
OH. THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HIT ITS DEBT LIMIT ON THURSDAY, AND THE
COUNTRY NOW RISKS DEFAULTING ON ITS BILLS. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.
YOU SPEND TOO MUCH BECAUSE LIFE'S TOO SHORT, THEN THE BILL COMES DUE, THE BANK WON'T LOAD
YOU MONEY ANYMORE, YOU HAVE TO FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE
INSURANCE MONEY.
FIELD OF NUCLEAR FUSION, WHICH MAY LEAD TO LIMITLESS CLEAN ENERGY.
HERE TO COMMENT IS THE MAN BEHIND THE RESEARCH -- OH, NO -- GEORGE SANTOS.
NOW, NOW, NOW COLIN. I'M THE SCIENTIST. NO.
YOU'RE GEORGE SANTOS, AND YOU HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE NEWS LYING ABOUT BASICALLY EVERY PART
OF YOUR LIFE. MAYBE. WELL, YOU LIED ABOUT GOING TO
NYU. YOU DID. YOU LIED ABOUT WORKING AT
GOLDMAN SACKS. I FILLED THE GOLDMAN'S SACKS. YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIED IN
9/11. I THINK I SAID 7/11. YOU LIED ABOUT BEING JEWISH.
I SAID THAT BECAUSE MY GRAND PARENTS WERE IN THE HOLOCAUST. REALLY?
YEAH, THEY ACTUALLY KNEW ANN FRANK. MY ANCESTORS WERE THE ONES THAT
TOLD HER, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING THIS DOWN. THAT CANNOT BE TRUE.
GEORGE, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I AM GEORGE SANTOS,
MR. INTERNASTY. I GRADUATED ON A VOLLEYBALL SCHOLARSHIP.
AND I AM A CROWD REPRESENTATIVE FOR MY DISTRICT IN LONG ISLAND, NEW JERSEY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HANG ON. MADONNA'S CALLING ME.
HELLO? LIKE A VIRGIN? I REMEMBER.
I WAS THERE. I WAS THE VIRGIN. LOVE YOU.
SEE YOU AT HOME. GEORGE, WE DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING.
BY THE WAY, I KNOW I LOOK ASIAN, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE MY MAIDEN NAME IS CHOW BECAUSE I'M
BRAZILIAN. I GOT IT. CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU SUDDENLY
BECAME A MILLIONAIRE, ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING LINKED TO THE NEPHEW OF A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH.
THAT'S NOTHING. THE ONLY LINK I HAVE IS MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS A LITTLE BAD IN
THE MOVIE -- FROM ANASTASIA? YES.
RYAN IS IN IT AND KIRSTEN DUNST PLAYS ANASTASIA. I'M NOT LYING LIKE BALLOON BOY.
REMEMBER HIM, ABOUT BEING IN A BALLOON? BECAUSE THAT WAS ME.
NO, IT WAS NOT. I'M NOT LYING. THEY MADE ME TAKE A LIE DETECTOR
TEST BEFORE I CAME IN HERE, LOOK. THAT'S A COVID TEST.
MADONNA IS CALLING ME. SHE'S CALLING YOU ON THE COVID TEST?
YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING. THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST LYING. LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE WEARING
MAKEUP. ISN'T THAT A LIE, MAKING EVERYONE THINK YOU'RE GORGEOUS?
BUT, GEORGE, I AM GORGEOUS. WHOA, BUDDY. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
REPUBLICANS WON'T CONDEMN YOU. THEY PROMOTED YOU TO TWO COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS.
OF COURSE THEY DID, COLIN. I'M A TEAM PLAYER, AND THE SPORT IS LIES.
AT LEAST MINE ARE FUN. MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN IS OVER I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO
ME! GEORGE SANTOS.
THE POPULATION OF CHINA DECLINED BY 850,000 PEOPLE. THANKS TO AN INCREASE IN CHINA'S
LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH, PROTESTING. CHINA PLANS TO REVERSE THE
POPULATION DECLINE WITH AN EMERGENCY IMPORT OF NICK CANNON. GOOD NEWS IT'S A HAPPY ENDING.
HAPPY ENDING TO THAT. DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, A SCHOOL IN MASSACHUSETTS HAS BEEN
UNABLE TO TURN OFF ITS LIGHTS FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF. THE STUDENTS ARE DOING FINE, BUT
THE CLASSROOM HAMSTER HAS GONE INSANE. THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE
INTERIOR HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF SQUALL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S CONSIDERED A ZROG
TORY TERM NOR NATIVE AMERICAN WOMEN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT NAME
GETS CHANGED, AND YET NO ONE CARES THERE'S AN ENTIRE TOWN IN NEW YORK THAT MOCKS MY PEOPLE.
IN SAN FRANCISCO -- A SAN FRANCISCO PANEL STUDYING REPARATIONS IS PROPOSING GIVING
EVERY BLACK RESIDENT A ONE-TIME PAYMENT OF $5 MILLION. THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA, SAID
THE GUCCI STORE. KEVIN SPACEY -- HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.
KEVIN SPACEY MADE HIS FIRST PUBLIC SPEAKING APPEARANCE IN FIVE YEARS WHERE HE THANKED
ITALY'S NATIONAL CINEMA MUSEUM FOR HAVING THE BALLS TO INVITE HIM.
HE ALSO ASKED, COULD I TOUCH THE BALLS. I'M KIDDING.
HE DIDN'T ASK PERMISSION. A CATHOLIC NUN IN FRANCE WHO WAS BELIEVED TO BE THE OLDEST
PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF 118. HER CAUSE OF DEATH WAS LISTED AS
ANSWERED PRAYER. ANDY MURRAY WAS UPSET AFTER AN UMPIRE AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN
REFUSED TO LET HIM TAKE A BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG SET MATCH.
WORSE, IT WAS DEUCE.
TROUBLE HIRING NEW EMPLOYEES. HERE TO ENCOURAGE YOUNG PEOPLE TO GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL
GOVERNMENT IS A LONG-TIME EMPLOYEE OF THE CITY OF INDIANA. APRIL LUDGATE.
HI. HI, APRIL. WHAT?
NOTHING. YOU SAID YOU CAME OUT HERE TO TALK ABOUT LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
I WILL WHEN YOU STOP YELLING AT ME. OKAY.
FINE. SO, YEAH, EVERYBODY SHOULD GET INVOLVED WHERE THEY LIVE.
IF YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU SHOULD GET A JOB AS A GARBAGE MAN OR SOMETHING.
OKAY. ARE THERE OTHER JOBS? YOU WANT ME TO LIST THEM?
OKAY. FINE. DRIVE A BUS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ON TIME. NOBODY CARES. WORK FOR THE WATER DEPARTMENT.
YOU CAN DRAIN THE RESERVOIR AND FIND ALL THE BODIES AND MURDER CLUES.
OR JUST BE A DOGCATCHER AND JUST SAY YOU COULDN'T FIND ANY. YEAH.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU WORK FOR THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT, DOING THE BARE MINIMUM IS DOING YOUR PART.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
BUT WHAT IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO WORK HARD? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE ANNOYING ME. JUST ASK MY OLD BOSS. LESLIE KNOPE.
HI, APRIL! HI, COLIN. HI, MICHAEL CHE.
WOW, LOOK AT THIS. WHO KNEW THERE WERE CAMERAS AT SNL.
YEAH. YEAH. SO YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
YEAH, PARK SERVICE, YEP. SO HOW MUCH FUN IS IT WORKING HERE?
DO YOU GUYS JUST SIT AROUND CRACKING EACH OTHER UP ALL DAY? WELL, NOT AT LIKE 8:00 A.M.,
BUT, YEAH, GENERALLY. HOW DOES IT TAKE TO RUN A FEDERAL AGENCY?
ALL YOU DO IS SHOW UP EVERY DAY AND DO THE JOB. BUT I WANT TO PICK YOUR BRAIN
ABOUT THIS JOB, ABOUT THIS SHOW, BECAUSE I USED TO WATCH THIS WHEN SETH MYERS DID IT BY
HIMSELF WITH NO ONE ELSE. AND HE MADE IT LOOK REALLY EASY. YEAH.
SO YOU SAID YOU WERE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT. YEAH.
BUT QUICK QUESTION. PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHEN HE ZOOMED IN BEFORE, COULD HE SEE ME, OR
WERE THE CAMERAS ON? I THINK HE PRERECORDED THAT. OH.
I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WAS LIFE. WELL, MOST OF IT IS. OH, MY GOD.
CAN WE PLEASE GO? THIS GUY HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
WE CAN'T STAY LONG. WE HAVE A TIMED ENTRY TO THE M&M STORE.
BEFORE WE GO -- AND MAY I BE SO BOLD? DO YOU MIND IF I TRY TO TELL A
JOKE? I WOULD LOVE THAT. PLEASE.
THANK YOU. THIS FEELS GOOD. THIS FEELS NICE.
OKAY. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. OH, NO. THAT'S TOO MEAN.
OH, WHAT? NO. THAT'S WAY TOO MEAN.
NO. OKAY. I'LL DO THIS ONE.
A TOWN IN ALASKA HAS LAUNCHED A BUS SERVICE FOR PUPPIES. THE SERVICE HAS EXPANDED TO
PUPPIES THANKS TO THE HE ROWIC ACTIVISM OF CANINE CIVIL RIGHTS ICON, ROSA BARKS.
I LOVE THAT. I'M APRIL
MY JOB TO KEEP YOU ALL SAFE. AND DOING THAT, I MUST TELL THE TRUTH OF THIS WAR.
WHAT'S GOING ON, JAKE SULLY? THERE ARE REPORTS THAT HUMANS HAVE INFILTRATED THE CLAN.
I FEAR THERE ARE SKY PEOPLE LIVING AMONG US DISGUISED AS AVATARS.
THAT CAN'T BE. NO. THESE ARE OUR BROTHERS AND
SISTERS. WHAT? WE GOT HUMANS UP IN HERE?
NOT COOL, MAN. NOT COOL. YEAH, I HATE THAT.
I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT TO PROCESS, BUT WE MUST STAY VIGILANT.
REPORTS TELL US THAT WE SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR TWO FEMALE LIEUTENANTS THAT ARE SPIES
DESCRIBED AS BUTCH LADIES FROM ARIZONA. LISTEN UP.
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL. WE NEED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SOME GRAND CANYON TYPES.
JAKE SULLY, IT'S OBVIOUSLY THESE TWO. VICKIE AND CHRISTINE?
WHOA! YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, FRITO? COME ON, FRITO?
EVERYONE, BE CALM. NOW THESE WITH BIG ACCUSATIONS, FRIOTE.
THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT. THAT'S JAKE.
WAIT. YEAH. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THEY
DO ALWAYS LOOK DOWN AT THEIR OWN BODIES AND SAY OUT LOUD, WHOA, THIS IS CRAZY.
WHOA. BRO, YOURS IS WILD. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
IS THAT WHY THEY CALL THEMSELVES THE MARICOPE COUNTER OF MILF HUNTERS?
AND WHY ARE THEY WEARING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLOTHING? WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED TO WOMEN
SUPPORTING WOMEN, BITCH? SERIOUSLY. OKAY?
WE'RE COOL WITH LETTING OUR NIPS FLY SOMETIMES, AND MAYBE WE'RE NOT AS COMFORTABLE IN THONGS.
I'M LOOKING AT YOU, CHEESE BURGER. LISTEN, GUYS, OUR SKIN'S
BLUE, AND I THINK WE KNOW HOW TO USE OUR TAILS. I THINK WE KNOW.
HOW LONG WAS I OUT? WHOA, HOW LONG WERE WE OUT? YOU WERE NOT OUT.
WAIT. A QUEEN IS BACK. SCREAMING LADY ALERT.
HERE WE GO. THEY'VE COME TO OUR LAND. THEY'VE COME FOR OUR PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT, HON. WE MUST KILL THEM. DON'T START CRYING.
AHHH! WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
COME ON. COME ON, COME ON. GET AROUND ME.
GET OPEN. GET OPEN. JAKE, GET OPEN.
JAKE, JAKE, GET OPEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
THINK FAST. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
YOU GUYS CANNOT BE PLAYING BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW. WHAT?
I NEED YOU TO FOCUS IF WE'RE EVER GOING TO CATCH THE MOLES. YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. JAKE. JAKE, COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, YOU GOT TO TRUST ME. IT'S ME. IT'S ME, FRITO -- I MEAN,
FRIOTE. JAKE SULLY. JAKE SULLY.
COME ON, MAN. IT'S THEM. I HAVEN'T SEEN TWO PEOPLE
PLAYING BASKETBALL SINCE I WAS LIVING BACK ON EARTH AS A HUMAN BEING.
OH! IT WAS FRITO THE WHOLE TIME? AND US TOO.
VICKIE, COME ON. OH, SHOOT. DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YEAH.
* DEMONS ON MY SHOULDER MONSTERS IN MY HEAD SHADOW IN THE WATER
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND * * THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME
AS I LAY IN MY BED DREAMING OF MORE MORE * * DIAMONDS IN THE SEA *
* A TIME WHERE THERE -- IF ONLY YOU BELIEVE * * THAT THERE IS ALWAYS MORE
MORE * * BE YOURSELF SO LOUD TONIGHT MMM SO LOUD
THEY'LL HEAR YOU FROM THE STARS * * THEY WILL HEAR YOU FROM
SPARKLING LIKE DYNAMITE SPARKLE IF THAT IS WHO YOU ARE *
* IT'S WHO YOU ARE A HYMN FOR GLORIA FOR GLORIA
FOR GLORIA GLORIA * * A HYMN FOR GLORIA GLORIA
FOR GLORIA GLORIA GLORIA * * GLORIA
GLORIA GLORIA IT'S ALL BUT *
* A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S ALL A HYMN FOR GLORI-GLORI GLORIA
IT'S ALL BUT * * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S FOR GLORIA *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I THREW MY BREAKFAST AT MY ASSISTANT, SO I'M STARVING. TOMMY, I WANT YOU DANCING UP
TOP. CAMERA THEN CUTS TO MARIO. YOU'RE POURING EVERYONE'S SHOTS.
THEN JAMAL, YOU TOAST MARIO. SOUND GOOD? YEAH.
PLACES. ACTION. LIVING WITH HIV?
I LEARNED I COULD SAY UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER MEDICINES.
MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY MEDICINES, BUT DOVA THE, O HAS LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS
EFFECTIVE. THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT.
I AIN'T GAY, THOUGH. CUT! OKAY.
THAT WAS A GOOD FIRST RUN, GUYS. TOMMY, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER
DANCING UP TOP. YEAH, GOT IT. I CAN DO A LITTLE MORE.
NOT REALLY MORE, JUST BETTER. PERFECT, MARIO. AND JAMAL, BUDDY, I FEEL LIKE
YOU MAYBE AD LIBBED A BIT AT THE END. THE LINE IS THAT'S WHY I
SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT THEN FULL STOP. GOT IT.
FROM THE TOP. ACTION! LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I
COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER MEDICINES. MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY
MEDICINES, BUT DOVATO HAS LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS EFFECTIVE. THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO
DOVATO HIV TREATMENT. FACT, YOU CAN GET HIV FROM A GIRL.
THAT'S HOW I DID IT. CUT! AGAIN, AGAIN, WOW.
DID I MESS UP THE DANCING? YEAH. IT WAS WORSE THIS TIME.
ONCE AGAIN, MARIO, PERFECTION. AND JAMAL, BUDDY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY.
I MESSED UP THE DANCING. NO. YOU AD LIBBED AGAIN.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SCRIPT? NO, NOT AT ALL.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT CLEAR MY CHARACTER IS A STRAIGHT GUY
RESPECTFULLY. IT'S NOT. THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE AT A GAY
CLUB. OH, WORD. OKAY.
YEAH. IS THAT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU.
NO, NO PROBLEM. I JUST AIN'T, NO DOUBT. GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO
GET THIS SCENE WRAPPED BEFORE MY SALAD GETS COLD. IT'S A HOT SALAD.
AND ACTION. LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH
FEWER MEDICINES. IT'S A GAY CLUB. WHAT.
I MEAN, I'M COOL WITH THAT, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT. OKAY.
FACT. THERE BE MAD STRAIGHT GIRLS AT THE GAY CLUBS, AND THEY BE
READY, AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE YELL CUT?
CUT. CUT. CUT.
SORRY. SORRY. I TOOK A QUICK BITE OF MY HOT
SALAD. IT BURNED THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH. HOW DID I DO?
IT WAS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN BESIDES TOMMY'S DANCING.
I'M TRYING. I JUST FEEL LIKE SINCE I'M STRAIGHT, MY GUY SHOULD BE
STRAIGHT TOO. IT'S JUST ACTING, BRO. I'M NOT ACTUALLY GAY EITHER.
OKAY. JAMAL, IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE, WE CAN JUST GIVE
YOUR LINES TO MARIO. DO I STILL GET PAID THE SAME? YOU DON'T GET PAID.
YOU JUST GO HOME. I NEED THIS JOB. THEN SAY THE LINES.
WHAT IF MY GUY GOT HIV FROM BASKETBALL LIKE MAGIC JOHNSON. I APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN,
BUT CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS ROLE, JAMAL.
THAT'S A FACT. SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY JUST LEAVE, PLEASE?
WAIT, ME?
THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS CASE I COULDN'T SHAKE. A MAN WHO EATS DINNER EARLY.
I LIKE THAT. HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?
YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING ME. WHY? YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD, AND I
THINK YOU KILLED HIM. I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE MISTER --
RALLY. I LOVED MY HUSBAND, MR. RALLY.
HE ARGUED WITH THE RADIO, REALLY KNEW HOW TO STINK UP A CHAIR. SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD MAN.
HE WAS. THEY ALL WERE, EACH ONE OLDER THAN THE LAST.
WHEN I MEET A MAN WITH GLASSES APP PANTS UP TO HIS CHEST, I GO HEAD OVER HEELS.
HOW IS IT THEY ALL END UP DEAD? BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD.
THE AUTOPSY REPORT SAYS EVERY MAN YOU MARRY DIES AFTER NATURAL CAUSES.
WHAT'S NATURAL ABOUT THAT? THE CAUSES. I LIKE THE WAY THEIR KISSES
TASTE LIKE A COUGH, HOW THEY CAN'T FIND THEIR GLASSES, AND THE WAY THEY MAKE LOVE, OH, HOLD
ON, OUCH, OUCH, SORRY. LET ME JUST DO YOU. I'M STARTING TO GET THE
PICTURE. IS IT A CRIME TO WANT A MAN WHO BEGS ME TO DRIVE HIM TO
CHURCH AND SLEEPS THE WHOLE TIME? IS A GUY WHO NEVER USES HIS TURN
SIGNAL AND SCREAMS AT RACCOONS IN HIS YARD. LISTEN, YOU GOT A THING, I
GET THAT. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE LIKE TO TELL EVERYBODY WHAT
THEIR THING IS THESE DAYS. OH. GETTING ANGRY AT PEOPLE THESE
DAYS, MR. RALLY? ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME? I'M TOO YOUNG FOR YOU, LADY.
I'M 33. I JUST LOOK OLDER BECAUSE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
SO NOW MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT YOUR THING IS. WHAT STARTS YOUR ENGINE,
MR. RALLY? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? PANTY HOSE, JUST LADIES WITH
NICE LEGS IN TIGHTS. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, BABY.
WHO THE HELL IS THIS? MOTHER! DARLING.
WHO'S THIS LITTLE SNACK? YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, MOTHER. DON'T BE CROSS WITH ME,
DARLING. I CAN'T RESIST A MAN WITH A DEEP VOICE AND A BIG NOSE.
OF COURSE A KNOCKOUT WALKS IN THE NIGHT BEFORE MY RHINO PLACETY.
DON'T DO IT. I WANTED YOU TO GROW OLD WITH ME.
SORE WE, SISTER, I LIKE THEM DESPERATE AND COOKY BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE ME A HARD
TIME ABOUT THE BOOZE. I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR MOTHER OUT TO THE CLUB TO DO SOME
STUPID DANCES. BUT FIRST, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT GUN.
NO! THERE I WAS, DYING IN MY OFFICE, MURDERED FOR REASONS
THAT WOULD THROW OLD SIGGY FROID FOR A LOOP. I GUESS YOU NEVER SOLVE YOUR
LAST CASE. WHO WAS PAYING ME ANYWAY? WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS.
THAT'S JUST HOW THINGS GO IN THE MIDTOWN EAST IN THE LOW 60s.
MY MOTHER, THANK YOU AND HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!