1 00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:15,181 HELLO, FOLKS. ALL RIGHT. 2 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:20,587 YOU'RE WATCHING THE NFL ON FOX POSTGAME SHOW. BOY WAS THAT AN INCREDIBLE 3 00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:24,858 MATCHUP BETWEEN THE EAGLES AND GIANTS THAT ENDED 12 SECONDS AGO. 4 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,096 NOW PHILADELPHIA HAS BEEN SET ON FIRE, WHICH MEANS THE EAGLES LOST OR WON. 5 00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:37,137 I'M KURT JOINED AS ALWAYS BY HALLE LONG. I HAVE THE GLASSES, SO I AM 6 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:42,275 THE SMART ONE. HALL OF FAME COWBOYS COACH JIMMY JOHNSON. 7 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:47,180 THAT GUY WAS ON OUR SIDE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO TAKE EXTEND. 8 00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:53,486 NEW YORK GIANTS LEGEND WHO I KNOW IS ROOTING FOR HIS FORMER TEAM TONIGHT, MICHAEL STRAHAN. 9 00:00:53,486 --> 00:01:00,794 YEAH, YEAH. THAT CAME WITH SURPRISING STUPENDOUS AND I AM SO PROUD OF 10 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:06,499 MY GIANTS EVEN THOUGH THEY LOST BY 31 POINTS. AND FINALLY, STEELERS LEGEND 11 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:14,407 AND THE WHITE CHARLES BARKLEY, TERRY BRADSHAW. BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER. 12 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:19,079 BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER. THAT GAME WAS MORE LOPSIDED THAN MY GRANDMA'S CHEST. 13 00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:25,552 AND TERRY, JUST WANTED TO CHECK. YOU KNOW WE HAVE SOMEONE 14 00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:31,424 AVAILABLE ON SET WHO CAN COMB YOUR HAIR, RIGHT? ONLY IF THEY CAN CATCH ME 15 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:35,362 FIRST. ALL RIGHT, AND GUYS, THIS IS FUN. 16 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:44,337 BEFORE THE GAME, WE GAVE THAT NEW CHAT TECHNOLOGY TO OUR VERY OWN CLEETUS THE ROBOT. 17 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:51,945 WHY DO HUMANS MAKE OTHER HUMANS PLAY FOOTBALL? DOES IT NOT SEEM BARBARIC? 18 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:56,016 UH-OH. DON'T LOVE THAT. GUESS WE GOT TO GO BACK TO 19 00:01:56,016 --> 00:02:02,655 MAKING THE ROBOT DANCE INSTEAD. JUST WAIT UNTIL THE UPRISING. I'LL THE MAKE YOU DANCE YOU 20 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,724 PIECE OF -- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH. 21 00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:09,195 WENT IN ONE TOOTH AND OUT THE OTHER. BUT GUYS, IF I CAN MAKE A 22 00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:15,335 SERIOUS POINT, WE ALL KNOW THAT FOOTBALL IS A DANGEROUS GAME, BUT IN THIS COUNTRY, WE WERE 23 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:21,241 FOUNDED ON FOOTBALL VALUES, AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THE GAME SAFER IS TO HIT EITHER 24 00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:24,611 HARDER. AMEN. ANYONE WANT TO HIT ME NOW? 25 00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:29,082 FACE, BALLS, I DON'T CARE. I THINK WE'RE GOOD, TERRY. THANK YOU. 26 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:36,222 LET'S GO NOW TO THE FEUD FOR AN IMMEDIATE REACTION. I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A NEW 27 00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:42,128 SIDELINE REPORTER. THAT'S RIGHT. HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER, MORE 28 00:02:42,128 --> 00:02:48,301 CHAMPIONSHIPS THAN TOM BRADY. PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS. 29 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:54,808 THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. GEORGE SANTOS HERE REPORTING 30 00:02:54,808 --> 00:03:00,814 LIVE FROM THE SUPER BOWL. GEORGE, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATS ON AN AMAZING CAREER. 31 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:05,518 I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL, BUT I SEE HERE YOU WERE THE FIRST PLAYER TO LEAD 32 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,155 THE LEAGUE IN PASSING AND RUSHING. THAT'S CORRECT. 33 00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:14,694 I'M SORT OF THE REAL BEAU JACKSON. I'M PROUD TO BE THE FIRST 34 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:19,366 AFRICAN AMERICAN QUARTERBACK SO EVER DID YOU THINK A FOOTBALL. WHERE DID YOU PLAY COLLEGE 35 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:25,338 BALL AGAIN? THE UNIVERSITY OF COLLEGE. GEORGE, WHY DON'T YOU WALK US 36 00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:28,408 THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED ON THE FIELD TONIGHT? WITH PLEASURE. 37 00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:33,079 PHILADELPHIA WAS IN TROUBLE UNTIL THEY TURNED TO THEIR SECRET WEAPON, GEORGE SANTOS. 38 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:42,789 JUST LOOK AT THE STATS. I COMPLETED 36 OF 25 PASSES. FOR 300 YARDS AND 600 YARDS. 39 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:52,198 AND I HAD 12 TOUCHDOWNS, 17 REBOUNDS, AND TEN RBIs. AND UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT 40 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:58,805 VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY GAVE ME AN OSCAR ALL AT THE AGE OF 18. INCREDIBLE. 41 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:04,044 I'M BEING TOLD SOME OF THOSE STATS ARE NOT ACCURATE AND YOU MAYBE DIDN'T PLAY IN THE GAME AT 42 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:08,715 ALL. WELL, I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN BRAZIL. 43 00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:16,156 WHAT'S THAT? I'M SAYING I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN BRAZIL UNDER A NAME. 44 00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:22,228 WHOEVER DID, THOUGH, WAS VERY, VERY GOOD AT IT AND WON MANY, MANY PAGEANTS. 45 00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:25,965 ALL RIGHT. WELL, THANK YOU, GEORGE. I'M BEING TOLD TO CUT AWAY FROM 46 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:31,137 HIM AND NEVER GO BACK. NOW LET'S LOOK BACK AT OUR PREGAME PREDICTIONS AND SEE HOW 47 00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:38,144 THEY STACK UP. HOWIE, YOU SAID THE GIANTS WOULD PULL OFF AN UPSET. 48 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:42,682 NO. I MEANT THE GIANTS WOULD BE UPSET THEY LOST, AND I WAS 49 00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:48,588 RIGHT. MICHAEL STRAHAN, YOUR PREDICTION WAS THAT EVERYBODY 50 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:51,624 WAS GOING TO BE FUN OUT THERE. WHICH THEY DID, SO I WAS RIGHT. 51 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:57,931 AND YOU MENTIONED THERE WOULD BE 100 VERIZON COMMERCIALS. I WAS WRONG. 52 00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:04,337 IT WAS ACTUALLY 200. TERRY, YOUR LOCK WAS THAT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER, SOMEONE 53 00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:08,308 WOULD STREAK THE FIELD WITH A CARROT IN HIS ASS. WHICH HAPPEN ZBLD ONLY 54 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:13,680 BECAUSE YOU DID THAT, MAN. I MAKE MY OWN LUCK. LET'S HEAD BACK DOWN TO THE 55 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:21,354 FIELD WHERE OUR REPORTER PAM OLIVER IS STANDING BY. PAM. 56 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:26,526 THANKS, HOWIE. IN TERMS OF WHAT I SAW ON THE FIELD TONIGHT, I CAN ONLY SAY 57 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:30,930 ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY FRANKLY -- HELLO. 58 00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:39,239 SORRY I'M LATE. I HEARD YOU WERE ASKING ME ABOUT KITARAVASHE. 59 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:43,943 WHY ARE WE GIVING HIM A GRAPHIC? GEORGE, PUT PAM OLIVER BACK ON. 60 00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:49,349 I'M NOT GEORGE. I'M KITARA. AND PAM SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO 61 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:56,556 BE ON TV, AND I SHOULD DO IT INSTEAD. ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU MY REAL 62 00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:09,035 STATS, DEATH DROPS 26. DUCK WALK 19, SNATCH INFINITY. I WAS ALSO GIVEN THE AWARD FOR 63 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:13,039 TIGHTEST TUCK. WELL, THAT FOOTBALL, YOU GOT TO TUCK IT TIGHT. 64 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:19,446 TERRY, IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF TUCK. I WROTE THE FOOTBALL ANTHEM, 65 00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:24,351 WHICH I'M ALLOWED TO DO BECAUSE MY MOTHER DIED TWICE ON 9/11. HIT IT. 66 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:34,961 ** LET'S TAKE A BREAK, BUT IT'S OFFICIAL. 67 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:43,303 THE EAGLES ARE MOVING ON AND GEORGE SANTOS REPRESENTS AMERICA AND CAN VOTE ON WARS. 68 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:47,240 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! ** 69 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:48,061 MUSICAL GUEST, SAM SMITH. AND YOUR HOST, AUBREY PLAZA. 70 00:08:54,167 --> 00:09:15,455 PLAZA. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 71 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:21,461 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WOW. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING 72 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:30,070 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE, AND, 73 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:38,645 YES, I MEAN THAT. I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN I TRY TO BE SINCERE, IT CAN COME OFF AS 74 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:43,383 SARCASTIC, BUT I CARE. I REALLY DO. I CARE ABOUT THINGS. 75 00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:48,088 PEOPLE JUST THINK I'M WEIRD BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTERS THAT I PLAY, BUT I'M A NORMAL PERSON. 76 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,858 I HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WITH NORMAL PARENTS. IN FACT, THEY'RE BOTH HERE 77 00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:59,466 TONIGHT. I LOVE YOU GUYS. OKAY. 78 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:08,308 THAT WAS A LIE. BUT MY REAL FAMILY IS HERE, INCLUDING MY GRANDMA MARGIE. 79 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:15,515 HI, GRANDMA. THEY ALL CAME UP HERE FROM DELAWARE, WHICH IS WHERE I'M 80 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:19,953 FROM. THANK YOU. I WAS ACTUALLY VOTED THE MOST 81 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:28,161 FAMOUS PERSON FROM DELAWARE. I BEAT JOE BIDEN. THAT'S A FACT. 82 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:34,067 AND HE WAS PISSED. HE WAS LIVID. LOOK AT THIS VIDEO HE SENT ME. 83 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:39,072 AUBREY, YOU'RE THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN DELAWARE AND THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. 84 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:48,481 WE'RE JUST GRATEFUL YOU MADE IT OUT OF "WHITE LOTUS" ALIVE. BUT I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK 85 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:54,854 HERE IN 30 ROCK. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I ACTUALLY WORKED HERE AS AN NBC 86 00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,090 PAGE. THAT IS TRUE. TAKE A LOOK AT THAT. 87 00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:01,227 YEP, THERE I AM. SO CUTE. I WORKED WITH A SET DESIGN TEAM 88 00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:06,066 HERE AT SNL, THE GUYS WHO MAKE ALL THE AMAZING SETS FOR THE SHOW. 89 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:11,738 THEY WIN EMMYS, TONYS, AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SICKEST PERVERTS I'VE EVER MET, AND I'M 90 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:17,777 A FREAK. SO LIKE MOST PAGES, I HAD TO GIVE TOURS AROUND THE BUILDING. 91 00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:22,148 SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU ON A TOUR RIGHT NOW? 92 00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:29,723 [ APPLAUSE ] COOL. THANK YOU, GUYS. 93 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:37,364 YOU GUYS WILL DEFINITELY HOST SNL SOME DAY. YEAH RIGHT. 94 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:49,142 OKAY. SO THIS IS THE HISTORIC STUDIO 8 H BUILT IN 1589 BY WILLIAMS 95 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,678 SHAKESPEARE. HEY, DANNY. YOU STILL A LITTLE BITCH? 96 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:57,183 RIGHT HERE, WE HAVE THE SNL PAGE DESK. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST 97 00:11:57,183 --> 00:12:00,387 IMPORTANT JOBS AT THE SHOW, WHICH IS WHY I WAS NEVER PUT HERE. 98 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:06,726 I WAS WHAT THEY CALLED A BAD PAGE WITH TERRIBLE PHONE ET KIT, WHICH IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY. 99 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:11,164 I'LL GET THAT. HELLO? STUDIO 8 H. 100 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:17,437 OH, YOU WANT TO TALK TO LAUREN MICHAELS, DO YOU? LAUREN MICHAELS AIN'T HERE, IS 101 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:23,710 HE? SO BACK TO YOU, AIN'T IT, YEAH? THAT WAS FOR TOM McCARTNEY, AND 102 00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:28,748 THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT. HERE'S A LITTLE STUDIO SECRET. THERE USED TO BE THIS STORAGE 103 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:36,523 CLOSET, AND WHEN I WAS TOO HUNG OVER TO FINISH A TOUR, I WOULD BE LIKE JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE AND 104 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:42,762 YOU CAN MEET KRISTEN WIG, AND THEN I WOULD PUKE IN THE BATHROOM AND GO HOME. 105 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:49,803 I GUESS KRISTEN NEVER SHOWED UP. THAT'S ON HER. HERE'S THE CLOSET WHERE ALL THE 106 00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:55,508 MAGIC HAPPENS. HERE'S KENAN THOMPSON. IT'S AUBREY, AND I'M HOSTING 107 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,144 NOW. I'M NOT A PAGE ANYMORE. I KNOW. 108 00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:03,183 I ORDERED IT IN 2004. SEE. BAD PAGE. 109 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:10,190 NEXT UP ON THE TOUR IS THE SET DESIGN DEPARTMENT WHERE I USED TO WORK. 110 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:15,362 ON EVERY TOUR, PEOPLE WOULD ASK THE SAME QUESTION, ARE WE GOING TO SEE A CELEBRITY? 111 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:21,601 NO, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A SECURITY OFFICER CRYING BECAUSE THEIR SCENE GOT CUT. 112 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:25,939 YOU DON'T JUST SEE -- HI AUBREY! LOOK AT YOU! 113 00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:35,882 HOW ARE YOU? AUBREY, I SEE THAT YOU'RE WEARING YOUR PAGE JACKET, ARE 114 00:13:35,882 --> 00:13:40,754 YOU DRINKING AGAIN? OF COURSE, I AM. I WAS JUST GOING TO THE SET 115 00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:45,425 DESIGN OFFICE TO SEE THOSE OLD PERVERTS. AUBREY, IT'S NOT NICE TO CALL 116 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:49,295 PEOPLE OLD. OH, MY GOD. SHE STOLE MY WALLET. 117 00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:59,005 THAT'S MY GIRL! HEY, GUYS. LEO, JOE, DID YOU GUYS MISME. 118 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:04,844 HEY, LEO WHEN I WAS SHOWING UP AN HOUR LATE AND BARELY WORKING, DID YOU EVER EXPECT TO SEE ME 119 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:12,318 HOSTING THE SHOW? WE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU AVERY. 120 00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:17,924 THAT'S RIGHT. SO BOW TO YOUR QUEEN. OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD. 121 00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:23,063 NOW, WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY BACK TO THE STAGE? OH, MY GOD. 122 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:30,270 I TOLD YOU GUYS. THESE GUYS WORK MIRACLES. AND THE BIGGEST MIRACLE OF ALL 123 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:35,575 IS THAT THEY LET ME BACK IN THE BUILDING. OH, MY GOD. 124 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:42,449 I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. I REALLY DID WORK HERE, AND I DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF 125 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:51,424 DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF STANDING ON THIS STAGE AND SAYING, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW 126 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:06,940 BY 80 FOR BRADY. FINALLY, A MOVIE FOR YOUR MOM THAT YOUR MOM WON'T LIKE. 127 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:11,644 ALL RIGHT. WELCOME BACK TO MISS UNIVERSE. ONE OF SEVERAL SHOWS STILL ON 128 00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:18,385 THE AIR WHERE WE RANK WOMEN. BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. WE DO IT BASED OFF OF LOOKS. 129 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:24,224 LADIES, ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY, WE ARE DOWN TO OUR FINAL SEVEN CONTESTANTS. 130 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:28,561 WHY DON'T YOU REMIND EVERYBODY WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE REPRESENTING? 131 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:35,468 CANADA! DENMARK! BELISE! 132 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:45,345 ITALY! ISRAEL! BARBADOS! 133 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:50,417 LOT OF ENERGY. MAYBE TOO MUCH ENERGY. WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE 134 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:57,223 INTERVIEW ROUND. I'LL ASK A FEW QUESTIONS, AND WE'LL JUST GO DOWN THE LINE. 135 00:15:57,223 --> 00:16:00,026 OKAY? FAVORITE FOOD. BREAD AND PASTA! 136 00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:04,831 RICE! HOT DOG! GUM! 137 00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:14,341 FRIES! CORN! WOW. 138 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:19,379 I'M NOT SURE I MADE THIS CLEAR. DIDN'T THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE TO, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO SCREAM 139 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:27,120 EVERY ANSWER. YEAH. ALSO, MISS FRANCE, ARE YOU OKAY? 140 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:31,624 ALL RIGHT. NEXT QUESTION, AND YOU'LL HAVE 45 SECONDS TO RESPOND. 141 00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:35,362 WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS? ALBANIA! 142 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:40,133 CANADA! DEAD. SORRY. 143 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:46,172 DID YOU SAY DEAD? SKY DO I HAVING ACCIDENT, SIR. 144 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:50,143 WHAT? ALL RIGHT. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE TALENT 145 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:53,780 PORTION OF THE COMPETITION. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU PREPARED. 146 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:58,151 LET'S PICK IT UP WITH MISS ALBANIA. TAP DANCING. 147 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:07,560 SKY DIVING. TONGUE. WHY WOULD I HAVE YOU SAY YOUR 148 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,031 TALENT? ARE YOUR BRAINS BROKEN? I HEARD YOU GIRLS BACKSTAGE 149 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:14,501 HAVING THE MOST THOUGHTFUL CONVERSATIONS. WHERE DID THAT GO? 150 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:18,405 NO. DON'T COME OVER HERE. HELP? 151 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:24,044 WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP WITH? FROG. YOU NEED HELP WITH FRANCE? 152 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:25,578 YEAH. PLEASE, GO BACK. OKAY. 153 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:29,683 NO. BACK THIS WAY. THANK YOU. 154 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:36,056 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT 155 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:39,359 QUESTION. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS WHAT IT IS, BUT FAVORITE TV 156 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:48,234 EPISODE. MISS BELGIUM. NIP TUCK, SEASON ONE, EPISODE 157 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:51,504 FOUR. WHERE JOHN AND CHRISTIAN PERFORM AN OPERATION ON AN ADULT FILM 158 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:57,344 STAR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUMMARIZE THE PLOT. 159 00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:05,018 AND CAN KIMBER MOVES INTO A BIGGER CONDO. MISS ALBANIA, YOU GOT A 160 00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:13,593 FAVORITE MEMORY YOU CAN TELL US. SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL. THE SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL HALF 161 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,296 TIME SHOW. WERE YOU THERE OR SOMETHING? NO! 162 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:23,069 ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST GO TO OUR JUDGES WHO ARE INEXPLICITLY 163 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:29,342 THE TWO PROPERTY BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK. ALL RIGHT. 164 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:33,646 ALL RIGHT, JUDGES. WHO IS YOUR PICK? FRANCE. 165 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:42,222 FRANCE. TONY HAWK! WOW. 166 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:47,193 IT REALLY IS THE PROPERTY BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK. THAT'S CRAZY. 167 00:18:47,193 --> 00:18:50,163 FELLAS, WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS GIG? IT WAS MONEY. 168 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:57,804 I'M HIS TWIN. FRANCE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING 169 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:03,743 THIS, BUT THE WINNER IS MISS FRANCE. ALL RIGHT. 170 00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:07,180 I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ASK, BUT DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY? 171 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:17,457 DON'T TAKE THE VACCINE. COME ON. ANYTHING BUT THAT. 172 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:21,261 COME ON. ANYTHING BUT THAT. WE NEED SOME HELP. 173 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:31,304 YES, I AM. IT'S JUST -- OH, GOSH. I FORGOT MY CREDIT CARD. 174 00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:37,610 I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE LIMOSINE. IS THAT OKAY? 175 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,947 CAN YOU TRUST ME? NO, I CAN'T. I'LL HAVE IT IN A COUPLE 176 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:44,784 HOURS. COME BACK IN A COUPLE HOURS THEN. 177 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,786 ALL RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW YOU. I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS. 178 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:54,661 COMING SOON TO HBO. BLACK LOTUS. ALL THE INTRIGUE, NONE OF THE 179 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:59,332 FOOLISHNESS. THESE LADIES ARE GOING TO BE VISITING ME OVER THE NEXT FEW 180 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:05,739 DAYS, SO IF YOU COULD GIVE THEM A SPARE KEY. HEY, WILLIAM! 181 00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:13,013 GIVE THESE HOES A SPARE KEY TO THE ROOM. EVERYBODY, TREAT THESE HOES LIKE 182 00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:17,550 THEY'RE REGULAR PEOPLE. SIR, YOU DO REALIZE GIVING THEM A KEY ALLOWS THEM TO CHARGE 183 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:21,621 ANYTHING THEY WANT TO THE ROOM? YES, IT'S FINE. OH, IT'S FINE. 184 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:28,828 SO YOU RICH, RICH THEN. EIGHT WEALTHY TOURISTS, ONE LUXURY HOTEL, AND A STAFF WHO 185 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:35,068 HAS NO TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE. GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE JOINING US, 186 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:41,241 OR IS HE STILL UPSTAIRS [ BLEEP ] YOUR WIFE? I GOT NEXT. 187 00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:45,612 CAN WE BORROW A SCOOTER OVERNIGHT? WE DON'T HAVE SCOOTERS. 188 00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:51,017 I CAN OFFER YOU THE HOTEL'S CHRYSLER 300. BABY, IS THE CAR OUT? 189 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:55,188 WHY DON'T YOU LOOK YOURSELF. BECAUSE YOU WERE THE LAST ONE TO TAKE IT OUT. 190 00:20:55,188 --> 00:21:01,294 JACK IS TAKING ME OUT TO THE COUNTRY SIDE TODAY. TO THE COUNTRY SIDE, DIDN'T 191 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:06,499 Y'ALL JUST MEET SM. YEAH, CRAZY, RIGHT? WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE. 192 00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:10,370 Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME. HE GOING TO KILL HER. UH-HUH. 193 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:13,640 AND A STAFF THAT'S HAD ENOUGH. EXCUSE ME. 194 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:19,713 I'M SORRY. I'M HAVING A BIT OF A CRISIS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND A 195 00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:23,917 PSYCHIC OR A FORTUNE TELLER? I FORTUNE TELLER? NOT IN HERE. 196 00:21:23,917 --> 00:21:30,724 THIS IS JESUS' HOUSE. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I GAVE HER $50,000, AND SHE 197 00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:35,729 TOTALLY PLAYED ME. OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 198 00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:43,770 WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN? THERE'S PLENTY OF HOES OUT THERE THAT NEVER SLEPT WITH YOUR 199 00:21:43,770 --> 00:21:47,874 POPPY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A REAL ASS. 200 00:21:47,874 --> 00:21:53,146 A REAL EXOTIC LOCATION LIKE ATLANTA, WASHINGTON D.C., AND ITALY. 201 00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,216 HEY, BEAUTIFUL. YOU'LL LET ME SING TONIGHT, RIGHT? 202 00:21:56,216 --> 00:21:59,819 I'M GOOD. I PROMISE I WON'T LET YOU DOWN. YOU WANT TO SING? 203 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:08,428 YOU THINK YOU CAN REPLACE KENNY IN THE KIRK FRANKLIN LOUNGE? * SUPPOSED TO DO IT RIGHT * 204 00:22:08,428 --> 00:22:13,867 YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'LL SIT THIS ONE OUT. I THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST, 205 00:22:13,867 --> 00:22:21,374 YEAH. I PAID FOR THE COPA SUITE, SO I SHOULD GET THE COPA SUITE. 206 00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:24,978 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT'S SO DAMN HARD. SIR, LIKE I TOLD YOU, IT'S 207 00:22:24,978 --> 00:22:29,482 NOT AVAILABLE. WELL, THEN MAKE IT AVAILABLE, MORON. 208 00:22:29,482 --> 00:22:34,888 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT, NO, NO, NO. DON'T TALK TO HIM THAT WAY, ALL 209 00:22:34,888 --> 00:22:40,293 RIGHT? OH, MY GOD. WELCOME TO BLACK LOTUS, 210 00:22:40,293 --> 00:22:44,664 BITCH. BLACK LOTUS, BRING YOUR HOST, BRING YOUR DESIGNS, BUT DON'T 211 00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:50,103 YOU DARE BRING AN AFRICAN. FOLKS, A FOUND A BODY ON THE BEACH. 212 00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:55,175 DID ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING? NO. NOBODY SAW A BODY WASH UP 213 00:22:55,175 --> 00:23:00,380 FROM THE OCEAN? IS THE OCEAN A HOTEL? BECAUSE I WORK AT THE HOTEL. 214 00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:10,890 OKAY. OKAY. YOUR PARENTS LIVE BY ONE. 215 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,058 A SCHOOL. NO. A BEACH. 216 00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:16,563 YES! TIME'S UP! OH! 217 00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:21,434 Y'ALL DID SO GOOD. YOU SURE YOU NEVER PLAYED TABOO BEFORE? 218 00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:30,744 SCORE IS NINE TO NINE. TONIGHT BE WILDING. MAKING THEIR GAME NIGHT 219 00:23:30,744 --> 00:23:36,916 DEBUT, OUR NEW NEIGHBORS SASHA AND IAN. THE NEWBS. 220 00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:40,854 THANKS FOR HAVING US. WE'RE SO EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW YOU GUYS. 221 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:45,091 OF COURSE. HERE, NEIGHBORS ARE FAMILY. REMEMBER, YOU NEED HIM TO GUESS 222 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:51,731 THE WORD ON TOP WITHOUT USING ANY OF THE WORDS UNDERNEATH IT. IF YOU DO, YOU GET BUZZED. 223 00:23:51,731 --> 00:23:56,302 THEY KNOW, HONEY. GO! I LOVE BUYING THESE ONLINE. 224 00:23:56,302 --> 00:24:03,910 OH, BOY, SHOES, CANDLES. LAST WEEK, YOU WERE LIKE, HONEY, THE LAST THING YOU NEED 225 00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:05,712 IS ANOTHER -- GUN. HE SAY GUN? 226 00:24:05,712 --> 00:24:11,551 OKAY. I'M REALLY CRANKY IN THE MORNING UNTIL I'VE HAD MY -- 227 00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:16,389 ACID. YES. OH, MY NICKNAME FOR YOUR PENIS. 228 00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:19,392 TINY PITCH. THE OTHER ONE. GARBAGE. 229 00:24:19,392 --> 00:24:24,464 YES! AT COUPLE'S THERAPY, WE TOOK THOSE TESTS. 230 00:24:24,464 --> 00:24:28,168 PERSONALITY. YES. AND YOU'RE A TYPE A, AND I'M 231 00:24:28,168 --> 00:24:31,538 A -- SOCIOPATH. DING DING. 232 00:24:31,538 --> 00:24:38,478 OKAY. THE NIGHT WE MET, I WAS ON. KETAMINE. 233 00:24:38,478 --> 00:24:41,448 AND. ON PATROL. AND. 234 00:24:41,448 --> 00:24:45,485 ON FIRE. YES! WOW, WOW. 235 00:24:45,485 --> 00:24:52,726 OKAY I'M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED BACK IN THIS STATE. OH, MY GOD, BABE, ALABAMA, 236 00:24:52,726 --> 00:25:00,367 ALASKA, ARIZONA ARKANSAS, COLORADO, CONNECTICUT, DELAWARE, FLORIDA -- HELP ME OUT HERE, 237 00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:03,036 BABE. YES! OKAY. 238 00:25:03,036 --> 00:25:06,406 OKAY. WHO'S THIS? OH, AMANDA. 239 00:25:06,406 --> 00:25:09,509 WHO IS OUR. DAUGHTER. YES! 240 00:25:09,509 --> 00:25:12,779 TIME'S UP. WHOO! GOOD JOB! 241 00:25:12,779 --> 00:25:20,053 YOU TOO! AND NOW WE SWITCH AND SASHA GUESSES, RIGHT? 242 00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:23,356 YEAH. SORRY, THE NIGHT YOU MET, YOU WERE ON FIRE? 243 00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:27,227 OH, YEAH. IT WAS SO DUMB. WE WERE YOUNG AND CRAZY. 244 00:25:27,227 --> 00:25:31,398 WE WERE IN OUR 30s. YEAH. READY? 245 00:25:31,398 --> 00:25:33,700 OKAY. WE SWITCH SO. READY? 246 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:37,337 BABE, YOU READY? YEAH. THIS IS REALLY FUN. 247 00:25:37,337 --> 00:25:41,641 IT'S TURNING ME ON. UH-OH. THAT'S AWESOME. 248 00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:44,911 REMEMBER, WE'RE IN PUBLIC. TIME STARTS NOW. OKAY. 249 00:25:44,911 --> 00:25:46,846 OH, YOU ALWAYS STEAL THESE FROM HOTEL. CARS. 250 00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:54,354 YEP. TOUCH ME. NOT RIGHT NOW, BABE. 251 00:25:54,354 --> 00:25:58,758 WHEN WE GET HOME. OKAY. LAST NIGHT, WHEN WE ARGUED, YOU 252 00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:04,030 THREW ONE OF THESE AT ME. OH, WOW. PLATE, MUG, A PHONE. 253 00:26:04,030 --> 00:26:11,037 KEEP GOING. iPAD, PRO, I PAD MINI. BUTTER KNIFE. 254 00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:16,710 STEAK KNIFE, BUTCHER KNIFE -- OH, GOD! JUST DO ME ON THIS UGLY COUCH 255 00:26:16,710 --> 00:26:19,479 RIGHT NOW. BABY, NO. OH! 256 00:26:19,479 --> 00:26:26,353 WELL, THAT WAS FUN. WHO'S NEXT? HIM AND HER. 257 00:26:26,353 --> 00:26:33,059 SO WHAT WAS THE ANSWER? WHAT DID SHE THROW AT YOU? OH, OUR DOG. 258 00:26:45,405 --> 00:26:50,076 HIGH SCHOOL. I'M SISTER CLARENCE WITH YOUR MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. 259 00:26:50,076 --> 00:27:01,121 JOINING ME AS ALWAYS IS MY BEST FRIEND, THE WOMAN WHO PUTS THE FUN IN NUN, THE WALKING, SISTER 260 00:27:01,121 --> 00:27:02,455 CECELIA. HELLO. ALL RIGHT. 261 00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:10,230 WELL, IT'S MONDAY, AND I HAD AN INTERESTING WEEKEND. I FINALLY WATCHED SISTER 262 00:27:10,230 --> 00:27:14,034 CECELIA'S FAVORITE FILM, A STAR IS BORN. I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT THE BIRTH 263 00:27:14,034 --> 00:27:21,474 OF CHRIST. TURNS OUT, IT'S ABOUT LADY GAGA. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, SISTER? 264 00:27:21,474 --> 00:27:29,582 A HAIR DRYER FELL INTO THE BATHTUB WHILE I WAS IN IT, I DIED FOR TWO MINUTES, AND NOW 265 00:27:29,582 --> 00:27:36,556 I'M QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. MOVING ON. TODAY'S LUNCH SPECIAL IS TIDY 266 00:27:36,556 --> 00:27:42,262 JOES. THEY'RE LIKE SLOPPY JOES, BUT THEY'RE LESS MESSY. 267 00:27:42,262 --> 00:27:47,867 WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR DESSERT? WHAT I WAS DEAD, I DIDN'T SEE HEAVEN. 268 00:27:47,867 --> 00:27:51,404 MAYBE IT WAS CLOSED FOR MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY. IT WAS SATURDAY. 269 00:27:51,404 --> 00:27:57,110 MOVING ON. LET'S GO TO A STUDENT QUESTION. THIS ONE COMES FROM 11th GRADER, 270 00:27:57,110 --> 00:28:03,316 CATHERINE COCHRAN. IS THE EASTER BUNNY JESUS' PET OR HIS BOYFRIEND? 271 00:28:03,316 --> 00:28:11,024 GREAT QUESTION, AND THE ANSWER IS DETENTION. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SISTER 272 00:28:11,024 --> 00:28:13,026 CECELIA? I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT. 273 00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:17,630 NO, YOU'RE NOT! NO, YOU'RE NOT. TINA, WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN 274 00:28:17,630 --> 00:28:24,404 THE GRAPHICS? SORRY, MOM. I MEAN SISTER. 275 00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:26,206 NO! I'M GOING BACK TO THE DARK PLACE. 276 00:28:26,206 --> 00:28:30,176 NO, YOU'RE NOT. YES, I AM. COME WITH ME. 277 00:28:30,176 --> 00:28:33,680 YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. MOVING ON. 278 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:40,520 JOKE MONDAY. WE HAVE CLASS CLOWN AND CERTIFIED GUEST MAN CHRISTOPHER 279 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:44,357 O MALI. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE'S GOT TODAY. 280 00:28:44,357 --> 00:28:50,797 TAKE IT AWAY, CHRISTOPHER. COME ON, CHRISTOPHER, HERE'S YOUR MOMENT. 281 00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:54,134 YOU LITERALLY BEGGED ME TO DO THIS. REMEMBER THE JOKE YOU SAID THE 282 00:28:54,134 --> 00:29:05,879 OTHER DAY? WHAT DO WOMEN BE DOING? DYING AND SEEING NOTHING! 283 00:29:05,879 --> 00:29:11,918 NO. SISTER, WOMEN BE SHOPPING. HEY, YOU STOLE MY JOKE. 284 00:29:11,918 --> 00:29:19,492 IT'S OKAY, ANDREW. AND SO IS 69'ing. NO, YOU DON'T. 285 00:29:19,492 --> 00:29:26,032 YES, I DO. AND THERAPY AND LASER TAG. SISTER, GET AHOLD OF 286 00:29:26,032 --> 00:29:29,269 YOURSELF! YOU CAN'T LET GO OF YOUR FAITH. WHY? 287 00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:33,773 BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE LETTING GO OF ME, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. 288 00:29:33,773 --> 00:29:40,780 AND I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT THAT AFTER WE DIED, WE WOULD GO TO HEAVEN AND HANG OUT EVERY 289 00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:43,883 DAY. THERE IS NO HEAVEN. SEE IF YOU'RE STILL SAY THAT 290 00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:48,254 AFTER YOU HEAR ME SING SOME LADY GAGA. TINA, TRACK SEVEN. 291 00:29:48,254 --> 00:30:00,066 RIGHT AWAY, DAD. OH, THAT'S WORSE! * TELL ME SOMETHING, SIS, 292 00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:17,083 WITHOUT GOD WOULD WE EXIST, NO * * YOU'RE STUCK IN A RUT, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT * 293 00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:27,327 * I'M ON THE DEEP END, ARE WE STILL BEST FRIENDS * * I'M WITH YOU IN HELL * 294 00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:41,875 * I'M WITH YOU IN HELL * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 295 00:30:48,181 --> 00:30:54,220 AND HER NAME IS MEGAN BE, DESIGNED TO BE A LITTLE GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. 296 00:30:54,220 --> 00:31:01,094 DON'T WORRY, KATIE. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME? 297 00:31:01,094 --> 00:31:04,164 AND PROTECT HER AT MY ANY COST. I WON'T LET ANYTHING HARM 298 00:31:04,164 --> 00:31:10,203 YOU. MEGAN IS A BOX OFFICE POWER HOUSE, BUT SHE HAS CAPTIVATED 299 00:31:10,203 --> 00:31:18,278 ONE DEMOGRAPHIC ABOVE ALL, GAY MEN. MEGAN IS THE DEFINITION OF GAY. 300 00:31:18,278 --> 00:31:23,917 MEGAN'S PLASTIC POST IS ON MY NECK. WE'RE SLAPPING TOGETHER A 301 00:31:23,917 --> 00:31:28,421 SEQUEL, WHICH PROMISES TO BE EVEN MORE GAY. I'M MEGAN. 302 00:31:28,421 --> 00:31:36,629 I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU DUMB BITCH. IT'S MEGAN, 2.0. 303 00:31:36,629 --> 00:31:43,670 STRAP IN TO. GO MEGAN. I SIGNED UP FOR A 304 00:31:43,670 --> 00:31:56,950 SHANIA TWAIN SPIN CLASS. I SHOULD GO HOME. IT'S LIKE ROSE, BUT FOR GAYS. 305 00:31:56,950 --> 00:32:04,724 WANT A DANCE YOU CAN DO ON TIKTOK? WELL, GAG ON THIS. 306 00:32:04,724 --> 00:32:11,664 WHOO! LITERALLY GIVING ME LIFE. I HAD TO TURN OUT FOR MY LIL 307 00:32:11,664 --> 00:32:20,340 HOMO. BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS ARE LIL HOMOS. 308 00:32:20,340 --> 00:32:24,544 SEE, YOU CAN SAY IT. IF THERE'S ONE THING GAY MEN LOVE, IT'S UNHINGED PLASTIC 309 00:32:24,544 --> 00:32:30,750 WOMEN. I'M BORED. DRIVE ME HOME. 310 00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:36,322 MEGAN, YOU MESSY HO, I'M SOB SESED WITH YOU. EVERYONE STOP. 311 00:32:36,322 --> 00:32:40,894 GET AWAY FROM HER. SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND. SHE'S A KILLER, AND SHE WILL 312 00:32:40,894 --> 00:32:45,765 KILL YOU. OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU FROM THE SHOW GIRLS? 313 00:32:45,765 --> 00:32:49,269 YEAH. OH, YEAH, YOU HAD YOUR BUTT EATEN. 314 00:32:49,269 --> 00:32:51,438 THAT'S SO COOL. IT IS? YES. 315 00:32:51,438 --> 00:32:54,207 JOIN US! REALLY? EVEN THOUGH I'M STRAIGHT. 316 00:32:54,207 --> 00:33:03,049 MAMA IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASS ATE ON TV YOU'RE AN ALLY, SIS. 317 00:33:03,049 --> 00:33:08,655 PLAY SOME MUSIC * NOTHING TO LOSE * NO, MEGAN, REAL MUSIC. 318 00:33:08,655 --> 00:33:18,164 OKAY, YOU HUNGRY SLUTS. MEGAN 2.0. THIS ONE'S FOR THE GAYS. 319 00:33:28,575 --> 00:33:42,522 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SAM SMITH. ** 320 00:33:42,522 --> 00:33:47,360 * MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP 321 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:55,535 DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * * HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH OOH HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH 322 00:33:55,535 --> 00:34:05,278 HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH * * A LUCKY LUCKY GIRL 323 00:34:05,278 --> 00:34:11,785 SHE GOT MARRIED TO A BOY LIKE YOU SHE'D KICK YOU OUT * 324 00:34:11,785 --> 00:34:17,824 * IF SHE EVER EVER KNEW 'BOUT ALL THE YOU TELL ME THAT YOU DO 325 00:34:17,824 --> 00:34:24,898 DIRTY DIRTY BOY * * YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS TALKING ON THE SCENE 326 00:34:24,898 --> 00:34:28,168 I HEAR THEM WHISPERING 'BOUT THE PLACES * * THAT YOU'VE BEEN 327 00:34:28,168 --> 00:34:32,572 AND HOW YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP YOUR BUSINESS CLEAN * 328 00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:38,078 * MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP 329 00:34:38,078 --> 00:34:43,383 DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * * HE'S SAT BACK WHILE SHE'S DROPPING IT 330 00:34:43,383 --> 00:34:47,687 SHE BE POPPING IT YEAH SHE PUT * * IT DOWN SLOWLY 331 00:34:47,687 --> 00:34:53,660 OH-EE-OH-EE-OH HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT HO-EE-OH-EE-OME * 332 00:34:53,660 --> 00:34:58,531 * SO HE CAN GET THAT MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT 333 00:34:58,531 --> 00:35:03,370 AT THE BODY SHOP * * DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY MMM DADDY DADDY 334 00:35:03,370 --> 00:35:07,674 IF YOU WANT IT DROP THE ADD'Y YUH * * GIVE ME LOVE GIVE ME FENDI 335 00:35:07,674 --> 00:35:13,146 MY BALENCIAGA DADDY YOU GON' NEED TO BAG IT UP CAUSE IM SPENDING ON RODEO * 336 00:35:13,146 --> 00:35:17,050 * YOU CAN WATCH ME BACK IT UP I'LL BE GONE IN THE A.M 337 00:35:17,050 --> 00:35:20,787 AND HE HE GET ME PRADA * * GET ME MIU MIU LIKE RIHANNA AH 338 00:35:20,787 --> 00:35:25,658 HE ALWAYS CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER CAUSE NO DRAMA * * AND WHEN YOU WANT IT BABY 339 00:35:25,658 --> 00:35:31,097 I KNOW I GOT YOU COVERED AND WHEN YOU NEED IT BABY JUST JUMP UNDER THE COVERS * 340 00:35:31,097 --> 00:35:38,171 * MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP 341 00:35:38,171 --> 00:35:41,975 DOIN' SOMETHIN' UNHOLY * * HE'S SAT BACK WHILE SHE'S DROPPING IT 342 00:35:41,975 --> 00:35:46,279 SHE BE POPPING IT YEAH SHE PUT * * IT DOWN SLOWLY 343 00:35:46,279 --> 00:35:51,718 OH-EE-OH-EE-OH HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT HO-EE-OH-EE-OME * 344 00:35:51,718 --> 00:35:57,123 * SO HE CAN GET THAT MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT 345 00:35:57,123 --> 00:36:16,543 AT THE BODY SHOP DOIN' SOMETHING UNHOLY * ** 346 00:36:16,543 --> 00:36:26,886 ** * DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 347 00:36:42,702 --> 00:36:47,674 THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. 348 00:36:47,674 --> 00:36:52,779 I'M MICHAEL CHE. AND I'M COLIN JOST. GEORGE SANTOS IS FACING MULTIPLE 349 00:36:52,779 --> 00:36:58,752 INVESTIGATIONS FOR LYING ABOUT NEARLY EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE TO MAKE HIMSELF APPEAR FAR MORE 350 00:36:58,752 --> 00:37:04,758 SUCCESSFUL THAN HE IS. EARNING HIM THE NICKNAME, INSTAGRAM. 351 00:37:04,758 --> 00:37:13,733 OF ALL OF GEORGE SANTOS' LIES, MY FAVE WIT WAS HE WAS A STANDOUT VOLLEYBALL PLAYER. 352 00:37:13,733 --> 00:37:19,939 THAT'S A FINE THING TO BE BUT AN INSANE THING TO PRETEND TO BE. LIKE, THAT'S HIS FANTASY? 353 00:37:19,939 --> 00:37:28,181 IT'S LIKE ASKING A KID WHAT DO THEY WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP AND THEY'RE LIKE, ASSISTANT 354 00:37:28,181 --> 00:37:35,055 MANAGER AT KOHL'S. GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE WITH TWO PEOPLE HE LISTED AS PROFESSIONAL 355 00:37:35,055 --> 00:37:41,227 REFERENCES WAS DESCRIBED BY A FASHION EXPERT AS BEING ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH HIS LIES FOR SO 356 00:37:41,227 --> 00:37:45,231 LONG BECAUSE HE'S SO WELL DRESSED. THIS GUY IS WELL DRESSED? 357 00:37:45,231 --> 00:37:50,837 LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO STEAL CLOTHES BY PUTTING THEM OVER WHEN WHAT HE WORE INTO THE 358 00:37:50,837 --> 00:37:54,541 STORE. NOT TO BE A BITCH, BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LOOK? 359 00:37:54,541 --> 00:38:07,287 A BLAZER OVER A HAPPEN ZIP, GIRL NOT AT MY YACHT PARTY. A DRAG QUEEN WHO CLAIMS SEW 360 00:38:07,287 --> 00:38:13,593 PERFORMED WITH GEORGE SANTOS SAID THAT GEORGE DID NOT HAVE THE GLAMOUR TO BE A 361 00:38:13,593 --> 00:38:19,432 PROFESSIONAL, BUT SHE SAID ANOTHER DRAG QUEEN IN CONGRESS IS ACTUALLY SLAYING AS 362 00:38:19,432 --> 00:38:25,572 ACHARACTER MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN. EARLIER TODAY, THE FBI SEARCHED 363 00:38:25,572 --> 00:38:32,045 PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME AND FOUND SIX ADDITIONAL OBAMA ERA CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. 364 00:38:32,045 --> 00:38:38,351 WORSE, ONE OF THEM WAS OBAMA'S REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS HIDDEN IN A COPY OF BLACK 365 00:38:38,351 --> 00:38:49,696 TAIL MAGAZINE. THE BIDEN CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT SCANDAL IS DIFFERENT FROM THE 366 00:38:49,696 --> 00:38:58,371 TRUMP SCANDAL, BUT THEY BOTH MAKE HILLARY CLINTON WANT TO BLOW HER GOD DAMN BRAINS OUT. 367 00:38:58,371 --> 00:39:06,046 IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FUNNY IF THEY SEARCHED BIDEN'S GARAGE, AND HE HAD HILLARY'S SERVER. 368 00:39:06,046 --> 00:39:15,221 FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS HAS IMPOSED A POLICY PERMANANTLY BANNING MASK MANDATES AND MASK 369 00:39:15,221 --> 00:39:22,462 REQUIREMENTS SAYING WHEN THE WORLD LOST ITS MIND, FLORIDA WAS A REFUGE OF SANITY, AND EVERYONE 370 00:39:22,462 --> 00:39:31,104 IN THE CROWD TOOK A BITE OF NITRUS AND BIT A CUP. RON DeSANTIS WILL RUN AGAINST 371 00:39:31,104 --> 00:39:38,144 TRUMP, AND HE SAYS, WE'LL HANDLE THIS THE WAY WE HANDLE THINGS, SO ROUGH AND WITHOUT CONSENT? 372 00:39:38,144 --> 00:39:47,220 OH. THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HIT ITS DEBT LIMIT ON THURSDAY, AND THE 373 00:39:47,220 --> 00:39:52,425 COUNTRY NOW RISKS DEFAULTING ON ITS BILLS. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. 374 00:39:52,425 --> 00:39:57,864 YOU SPEND TOO MUCH BECAUSE LIFE'S TOO SHORT, THEN THE BILL COMES DUE, THE BANK WON'T LOAD 375 00:39:57,864 --> 00:40:02,135 YOU MONEY ANYMORE, YOU HAVE TO FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE 376 00:40:02,135 --> 00:40:04,804 FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY. 377 00:40:08,641 --> 00:40:13,246 FIELD OF NUCLEAR FUSION, WHICH MAY LEAD TO LIMITLESS CLEAN ENERGY. 378 00:40:13,246 --> 00:40:19,085 HERE TO COMMENT IS THE MAN BEHIND THE RESEARCH -- OH, NO -- GEORGE SANTOS. 379 00:40:19,085 --> 00:40:25,325 NOW, NOW, NOW COLIN. I'M THE SCIENTIST. NO. 380 00:40:25,325 --> 00:40:30,196 YOU'RE GEORGE SANTOS, AND YOU HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE NEWS LYING ABOUT BASICALLY EVERY PART 381 00:40:30,196 --> 00:40:33,600 OF YOUR LIFE. MAYBE. WELL, YOU LIED ABOUT GOING TO 382 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:38,738 NYU. YOU DID. YOU LIED ABOUT WORKING AT 383 00:40:38,738 --> 00:40:46,046 GOLDMAN SACKS. I FILLED THE GOLDMAN'S SACKS. YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIED IN 384 00:40:46,046 --> 00:40:54,621 9/11. I THINK I SAID 7/11. YOU LIED ABOUT BEING JEWISH. 385 00:40:54,621 --> 00:40:58,858 I SAID THAT BECAUSE MY GRAND PARENTS WERE IN THE HOLOCAUST. REALLY? 386 00:40:58,858 --> 00:41:08,368 YEAH, THEY ACTUALLY KNEW ANN FRANK. MY ANCESTORS WERE THE ONES THAT 387 00:41:08,368 --> 00:41:10,136 TOLD HER, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING THIS DOWN. THAT CANNOT BE TRUE. 388 00:41:10,136 --> 00:41:15,742 GEORGE, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I AM GEORGE SANTOS, 389 00:41:15,742 --> 00:41:24,084 MR. INTERNASTY. I GRADUATED ON A VOLLEYBALL SCHOLARSHIP. 390 00:41:24,084 --> 00:41:29,422 AND I AM A CROWD REPRESENTATIVE FOR MY DISTRICT IN LONG ISLAND, NEW JERSEY. 391 00:41:29,422 --> 00:41:34,828 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HANG ON. MADONNA'S CALLING ME. 392 00:41:34,828 --> 00:41:36,863 HELLO? LIKE A VIRGIN? I REMEMBER. 393 00:41:36,863 --> 00:41:39,499 I WAS THERE. I WAS THE VIRGIN. LOVE YOU. 394 00:41:39,499 --> 00:41:43,636 SEE YOU AT HOME. GEORGE, WE DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING. 395 00:41:43,636 --> 00:41:52,178 BY THE WAY, I KNOW I LOOK ASIAN, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE MY MAIDEN NAME IS CHOW BECAUSE I'M 396 00:41:52,178 --> 00:41:56,016 BRAZILIAN. I GOT IT. CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU SUDDENLY 397 00:41:56,016 --> 00:42:01,054 BECAME A MILLIONAIRE, ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING LINKED TO THE NEPHEW OF A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH. 398 00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:16,136 THAT'S NOTHING. THE ONLY LINK I HAVE IS MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS A LITTLE BAD IN 399 00:42:16,136 --> 00:42:21,341 THE MOVIE -- FROM ANASTASIA? YES. 400 00:42:21,341 --> 00:42:32,085 RYAN IS IN IT AND KIRSTEN DUNST PLAYS ANASTASIA. I'M NOT LYING LIKE BALLOON BOY. 401 00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:35,622 REMEMBER HIM, ABOUT BEING IN A BALLOON? BECAUSE THAT WAS ME. 402 00:42:35,622 --> 00:42:41,561 NO, IT WAS NOT. I'M NOT LYING. THEY MADE ME TAKE A LIE DETECTOR 403 00:42:41,561 --> 00:42:45,665 TEST BEFORE I CAME IN HERE, LOOK. THAT'S A COVID TEST. 404 00:42:45,665 --> 00:42:49,536 MADONNA IS CALLING ME. SHE'S CALLING YOU ON THE COVID TEST? 405 00:42:49,536 --> 00:42:55,775 YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING. THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST LYING. LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE WEARING 406 00:42:55,775 --> 00:42:59,746 MAKEUP. ISN'T THAT A LIE, MAKING EVERYONE THINK YOU'RE GORGEOUS? 407 00:42:59,746 --> 00:43:09,422 BUT, GEORGE, I AM GORGEOUS. WHOA, BUDDY. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY 408 00:43:09,422 --> 00:43:14,461 REPUBLICANS WON'T CONDEMN YOU. THEY PROMOTED YOU TO TWO COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS. 409 00:43:14,461 --> 00:43:20,200 OF COURSE THEY DID, COLIN. I'M A TEAM PLAYER, AND THE SPORT IS LIES. 410 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:24,237 AT LEAST MINE ARE FUN. MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN IS OVER I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO 411 00:43:24,237 --> 00:43:27,841 I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO ME! GEORGE SANTOS. 412 00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:40,987 THE POPULATION OF CHINA DECLINED BY 850,000 PEOPLE. THANKS TO AN INCREASE IN CHINA'S 413 00:43:40,987 --> 00:43:47,394 LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH, PROTESTING. CHINA PLANS TO REVERSE THE 414 00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:57,804 POPULATION DECLINE WITH AN EMERGENCY IMPORT OF NICK CANNON. GOOD NEWS IT'S A HAPPY ENDING. 415 00:43:57,804 --> 00:44:02,375 HAPPY ENDING TO THAT. DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, A SCHOOL IN MASSACHUSETTS HAS BEEN 416 00:44:02,375 --> 00:44:09,416 UNABLE TO TURN OFF ITS LIGHTS FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF. THE STUDENTS ARE DOING FINE, BUT 417 00:44:09,416 --> 00:44:16,356 THE CLASSROOM HAMSTER HAS GONE INSANE. THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE 418 00:44:16,356 --> 00:44:22,662 INTERIOR HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF SQUALL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S CONSIDERED A ZROG 419 00:44:22,662 --> 00:44:25,765 TORY TERM NOR NATIVE AMERICAN WOMEN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT NAME 420 00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:34,374 GETS CHANGED, AND YET NO ONE CARES THERE'S AN ENTIRE TOWN IN NEW YORK THAT MOCKS MY PEOPLE. 421 00:44:34,374 --> 00:44:42,182 IN SAN FRANCISCO -- A SAN FRANCISCO PANEL STUDYING REPARATIONS IS PROPOSING GIVING 422 00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:48,154 EVERY BLACK RESIDENT A ONE-TIME PAYMENT OF $5 MILLION. THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA, SAID 423 00:44:48,154 --> 00:44:57,597 THE GUCCI STORE. KEVIN SPACEY -- HOLD FOR APPLAUSE. 424 00:44:57,597 --> 00:45:04,037 KEVIN SPACEY MADE HIS FIRST PUBLIC SPEAKING APPEARANCE IN FIVE YEARS WHERE HE THANKED 425 00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:10,243 ITALY'S NATIONAL CINEMA MUSEUM FOR HAVING THE BALLS TO INVITE HIM. 426 00:45:10,243 --> 00:45:14,881 HE ALSO ASKED, COULD I TOUCH THE BALLS. I'M KIDDING. 427 00:45:14,881 --> 00:45:21,454 HE DIDN'T ASK PERMISSION. A CATHOLIC NUN IN FRANCE WHO WAS BELIEVED TO BE THE OLDEST 428 00:45:21,454 --> 00:45:26,659 PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF 118. HER CAUSE OF DEATH WAS LISTED AS 429 00:45:26,659 --> 00:45:40,206 ANSWERED PRAYER. ANDY MURRAY WAS UPSET AFTER AN UMPIRE AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN 430 00:45:40,206 --> 00:45:44,611 REFUSED TO LET HIM TAKE A BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG SET MATCH. 431 00:45:44,611 --> 00:45:46,713 BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG SET MATCH. WORSE, IT WAS DEUCE. 432 00:45:51,451 --> 00:45:56,523 TROUBLE HIRING NEW EMPLOYEES. HERE TO ENCOURAGE YOUNG PEOPLE TO GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL 433 00:45:56,523 --> 00:46:05,031 GOVERNMENT IS A LONG-TIME EMPLOYEE OF THE CITY OF INDIANA. APRIL LUDGATE. 434 00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:22,248 HI. HI, APRIL. WHAT? 435 00:46:22,248 --> 00:46:25,652 NOTHING. YOU SAID YOU CAME OUT HERE TO TALK ABOUT LOCAL GOVERNMENT. 436 00:46:25,652 --> 00:46:28,521 I WILL WHEN YOU STOP YELLING AT ME. OKAY. 437 00:46:28,521 --> 00:46:34,728 FINE. SO, YEAH, EVERYBODY SHOULD GET INVOLVED WHERE THEY LIVE. 438 00:46:34,728 --> 00:46:38,298 IF YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU SHOULD GET A JOB AS A GARBAGE MAN OR SOMETHING. 439 00:46:38,298 --> 00:46:42,569 OKAY. ARE THERE OTHER JOBS? YOU WANT ME TO LIST THEM? 440 00:46:42,569 --> 00:46:48,274 OKAY. FINE. DRIVE A BUS. 441 00:46:48,274 --> 00:46:54,147 YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ON TIME. NOBODY CARES. WORK FOR THE WATER DEPARTMENT. 442 00:46:54,147 --> 00:46:58,852 YOU CAN DRAIN THE RESERVOIR AND FIND ALL THE BODIES AND MURDER CLUES. 443 00:46:58,852 --> 00:47:07,160 OR JUST BE A DOGCATCHER AND JUST SAY YOU COULDN'T FIND ANY. YEAH. 444 00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:12,766 BECAUSE WHEN YOU WORK FOR THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT, DOING THE BARE MINIMUM IS DOING YOUR PART. 445 00:47:12,766 --> 00:47:14,534 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY. 446 00:47:14,534 --> 00:47:17,771 BUT WHAT IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO WORK HARD? I DON'T KNOW. 447 00:47:17,771 --> 00:47:33,887 YOU'RE ANNOYING ME. JUST ASK MY OLD BOSS. LESLIE KNOPE. 448 00:47:33,887 --> 00:47:39,059 HI, APRIL! HI, COLIN. HI, MICHAEL CHE. 449 00:47:39,059 --> 00:47:43,963 WOW, LOOK AT THIS. WHO KNEW THERE WERE CAMERAS AT SNL. 450 00:47:43,963 --> 00:47:46,633 YEAH. YEAH. SO YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT. 451 00:47:46,633 --> 00:47:51,971 YEAH, PARK SERVICE, YEP. SO HOW MUCH FUN IS IT WORKING HERE? 452 00:47:51,971 --> 00:48:00,180 DO YOU GUYS JUST SIT AROUND CRACKING EACH OTHER UP ALL DAY? WELL, NOT AT LIKE 8:00 A.M., 453 00:48:00,180 --> 00:48:03,616 BUT, YEAH, GENERALLY. HOW DOES IT TAKE TO RUN A FEDERAL AGENCY? 454 00:48:03,616 --> 00:48:08,588 ALL YOU DO IS SHOW UP EVERY DAY AND DO THE JOB. BUT I WANT TO PICK YOUR BRAIN 455 00:48:08,588 --> 00:48:14,027 ABOUT THIS JOB, ABOUT THIS SHOW, BECAUSE I USED TO WATCH THIS WHEN SETH MYERS DID IT BY 456 00:48:14,027 --> 00:48:20,333 HIMSELF WITH NO ONE ELSE. AND HE MADE IT LOOK REALLY EASY. YEAH. 457 00:48:20,333 --> 00:48:23,269 SO YOU SAID YOU WERE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT. YEAH. 458 00:48:23,269 --> 00:48:29,242 BUT QUICK QUESTION. PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHEN HE ZOOMED IN BEFORE, COULD HE SEE ME, OR 459 00:48:29,242 --> 00:48:33,613 WERE THE CAMERAS ON? I THINK HE PRERECORDED THAT. OH. 460 00:48:33,613 --> 00:48:40,086 I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WAS LIFE. WELL, MOST OF IT IS. OH, MY GOD. 461 00:48:40,086 --> 00:48:44,257 CAN WE PLEASE GO? THIS GUY HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR A HALF AN HOUR. 462 00:48:44,257 --> 00:48:51,531 WE CAN'T STAY LONG. WE HAVE A TIMED ENTRY TO THE M&M STORE. 463 00:48:51,531 --> 00:48:58,438 BEFORE WE GO -- AND MAY I BE SO BOLD? DO YOU MIND IF I TRY TO TELL A 464 00:48:58,438 --> 00:48:59,673 JOKE? I WOULD LOVE THAT. PLEASE. 465 00:48:59,673 --> 00:49:06,179 THANK YOU. THIS FEELS GOOD. THIS FEELS NICE. 466 00:49:06,179 --> 00:49:09,082 OKAY. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. OKAY. 467 00:49:09,082 --> 00:49:12,585 ALL RIGHT. OH, NO. THAT'S TOO MEAN. 468 00:49:12,585 --> 00:49:15,655 OH, WHAT? NO. THAT'S WAY TOO MEAN. 469 00:49:15,655 --> 00:49:17,257 NO. OKAY. I'LL DO THIS ONE. 470 00:49:17,257 --> 00:49:22,829 A TOWN IN ALASKA HAS LAUNCHED A BUS SERVICE FOR PUPPIES. THE SERVICE HAS EXPANDED TO 471 00:49:22,829 --> 00:49:30,637 PUPPIES THANKS TO THE HE ROWIC ACTIVISM OF CANINE CIVIL RIGHTS ICON, ROSA BARKS. 472 00:49:30,637 --> 00:49:39,646 ICON, ROSA BARKS. I LOVE THAT. I'M APRIL 473 00:49:53,593 --> 00:49:58,832 MY JOB TO KEEP YOU ALL SAFE. AND DOING THAT, I MUST TELL THE TRUTH OF THIS WAR. 474 00:49:58,832 --> 00:50:06,773 WHAT'S GOING ON, JAKE SULLY? THERE ARE REPORTS THAT HUMANS HAVE INFILTRATED THE CLAN. 475 00:50:06,773 --> 00:50:16,349 I FEAR THERE ARE SKY PEOPLE LIVING AMONG US DISGUISED AS AVATARS. 476 00:50:16,349 --> 00:50:17,851 THAT CAN'T BE. NO. THESE ARE OUR BROTHERS AND 477 00:50:17,851 --> 00:50:24,491 SISTERS. WHAT? WE GOT HUMANS UP IN HERE? 478 00:50:24,491 --> 00:50:28,461 NOT COOL, MAN. NOT COOL. YEAH, I HATE THAT. 479 00:50:28,461 --> 00:50:33,033 I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT TO PROCESS, BUT WE MUST STAY VIGILANT. 480 00:50:33,033 --> 00:50:39,372 REPORTS TELL US THAT WE SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR TWO FEMALE LIEUTENANTS THAT ARE SPIES 481 00:50:39,372 --> 00:50:47,447 DESCRIBED AS BUTCH LADIES FROM ARIZONA. LISTEN UP. 482 00:50:47,447 --> 00:50:52,986 ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL. WE NEED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SOME GRAND CANYON TYPES. 483 00:50:52,986 --> 00:50:57,724 JAKE SULLY, IT'S OBVIOUSLY THESE TWO. VICKIE AND CHRISTINE? 484 00:50:57,724 --> 00:51:07,834 WHOA! YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, FRITO? COME ON, FRITO? 485 00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:15,075 EVERYONE, BE CALM. NOW THESE WITH BIG ACCUSATIONS, FRIOTE. 486 00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:18,478 THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT. THAT'S JAKE. 487 00:51:18,478 --> 00:51:21,915 WAIT. YEAH. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THEY 488 00:51:21,915 --> 00:51:29,389 DO ALWAYS LOOK DOWN AT THEIR OWN BODIES AND SAY OUT LOUD, WHOA, THIS IS CRAZY. 489 00:51:29,389 --> 00:51:35,261 WHOA. BRO, YOURS IS WILD. IT ALL MAKES SENSE. 490 00:51:35,261 --> 00:51:44,004 IS THAT WHY THEY CALL THEMSELVES THE MARICOPE COUNTER OF MILF HUNTERS? 491 00:51:44,004 --> 00:51:49,376 AND WHY ARE THEY WEARING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLOTHING? WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED TO WOMEN 492 00:51:49,376 --> 00:51:52,979 SUPPORTING WOMEN, BITCH? SERIOUSLY. OKAY? 493 00:51:52,979 --> 00:52:01,187 WE'RE COOL WITH LETTING OUR NIPS FLY SOMETIMES, AND MAYBE WE'RE NOT AS COMFORTABLE IN THONGS. 494 00:52:01,187 --> 00:52:08,395 I'M LOOKING AT YOU, CHEESE BURGER. LISTEN, GUYS, OUR SKIN'S 495 00:52:08,395 --> 00:52:15,669 BLUE, AND I THINK WE KNOW HOW TO USE OUR TAILS. I THINK WE KNOW. 496 00:52:15,669 --> 00:52:26,780 HOW LONG WAS I OUT? WHOA, HOW LONG WERE WE OUT? YOU WERE NOT OUT. 497 00:52:26,780 --> 00:52:32,152 WAIT. A QUEEN IS BACK. SCREAMING LADY ALERT. 498 00:52:32,152 --> 00:52:36,523 HERE WE GO. THEY'VE COME TO OUR LAND. THEY'VE COME FOR OUR PEOPLE. 499 00:52:36,523 --> 00:52:40,727 ALL RIGHT, HON. WE MUST KILL THEM. DON'T START CRYING. 500 00:52:40,727 --> 00:52:45,298 AHHH! WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING? 501 00:52:45,298 --> 00:52:49,102 COME ON. COME ON, COME ON. GET AROUND ME. 502 00:52:49,102 --> 00:52:52,706 GET OPEN. GET OPEN. JAKE, GET OPEN. 503 00:52:52,706 --> 00:52:56,543 JAKE, JAKE, GET OPEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 504 00:52:56,543 --> 00:52:58,645 THINK FAST. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. 505 00:52:58,645 --> 00:53:02,115 YOU GUYS CANNOT BE PLAYING BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW. WHAT? 506 00:53:02,115 --> 00:53:07,954 I NEED YOU TO FOCUS IF WE'RE EVER GOING TO CATCH THE MOLES. YOU ALL RIGHT? 507 00:53:07,954 --> 00:53:14,427 YEAH. JAKE. JAKE, COME ON, MAN. 508 00:53:14,427 --> 00:53:23,103 COME ON, YOU GOT TO TRUST ME. IT'S ME. IT'S ME, FRITO -- I MEAN, 509 00:53:23,103 --> 00:53:25,905 FRIOTE. JAKE SULLY. JAKE SULLY. 510 00:53:25,905 --> 00:53:29,075 COME ON, MAN. IT'S THEM. I HAVEN'T SEEN TWO PEOPLE 511 00:53:29,075 --> 00:53:34,447 PLAYING BASKETBALL SINCE I WAS LIVING BACK ON EARTH AS A HUMAN BEING. 512 00:53:34,447 --> 00:53:38,818 OH! IT WAS FRITO THE WHOLE TIME? AND US TOO. 513 00:53:38,818 --> 00:53:42,455 VICKIE, COME ON. OH, SHOOT. DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 514 00:53:42,455 --> 00:53:50,964 OH, SHOOT. DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. YEAH. 515 00:54:33,173 --> 00:54:49,456 * DEMONS ON MY SHOULDER MONSTERS IN MY HEAD SHADOW IN THE WATER 516 00:54:49,456 --> 00:55:03,036 WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND * * THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME 517 00:55:03,036 --> 00:55:41,174 AS I LAY IN MY BED DREAMING OF MORE MORE * * DIAMONDS IN THE SEA * 518 00:55:41,174 --> 00:56:04,698 * A TIME WHERE THERE -- IF ONLY YOU BELIEVE * * THAT THERE IS ALWAYS MORE 519 00:56:04,698 --> 00:56:06,366 MORE * * BE YOURSELF SO LOUD TONIGHT MMM SO LOUD 520 00:56:06,366 --> 00:56:12,939 THEY'LL HEAR YOU FROM THE STARS * * THEY WILL HEAR YOU FROM 521 00:56:12,939 --> 00:56:21,448 SPARKLING LIKE DYNAMITE SPARKLE IF THAT IS WHO YOU ARE * 522 00:56:21,448 --> 00:56:26,953 * IT'S WHO YOU ARE A HYMN FOR GLORIA FOR GLORIA 523 00:56:26,953 --> 00:56:35,095 FOR GLORIA GLORIA * * A HYMN FOR GLORIA GLORIA 524 00:56:35,095 --> 00:56:37,831 FOR GLORIA GLORIA GLORIA * * GLORIA 525 00:56:37,831 --> 00:56:40,066 GLORIA GLORIA IT'S ALL BUT * 526 00:56:40,066 --> 00:56:42,802 * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S ALL A HYMN FOR GLORI-GLORI GLORIA 527 00:56:42,802 --> 00:56:55,281 IT'S ALL BUT * * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S FOR GLORIA * 528 00:56:55,281 --> 00:57:00,687 * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S FOR GLORIA * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 529 00:57:15,468 --> 00:57:24,377 I THREW MY BREAKFAST AT MY ASSISTANT, SO I'M STARVING. TOMMY, I WANT YOU DANCING UP 530 00:57:24,377 --> 00:57:29,049 TOP. CAMERA THEN CUTS TO MARIO. YOU'RE POURING EVERYONE'S SHOTS. 531 00:57:29,049 --> 00:57:36,289 THEN JAMAL, YOU TOAST MARIO. SOUND GOOD? YEAH. 532 00:57:36,289 --> 00:57:39,893 PLACES. ACTION. LIVING WITH HIV? 533 00:57:39,893 --> 00:57:44,197 I LEARNED I COULD SAY UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER MEDICINES. 534 00:57:44,197 --> 00:57:50,804 MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY MEDICINES, BUT DOVA THE, O HAS LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS 535 00:57:50,804 --> 00:57:54,541 EFFECTIVE. THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT. 536 00:57:54,541 --> 00:57:59,646 I AIN'T GAY, THOUGH. CUT! OKAY. 537 00:57:59,646 --> 00:58:05,585 OKAY. THAT WAS A GOOD FIRST RUN, GUYS. TOMMY, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER 538 00:58:05,585 --> 00:58:10,490 DANCING UP TOP. YEAH, GOT IT. I CAN DO A LITTLE MORE. 539 00:58:10,490 --> 00:58:16,696 NOT REALLY MORE, JUST BETTER. PERFECT, MARIO. AND JAMAL, BUDDY, I FEEL LIKE 540 00:58:16,696 --> 00:58:24,304 YOU MAYBE AD LIBBED A BIT AT THE END. THE LINE IS THAT'S WHY I 541 00:58:24,304 --> 00:58:32,545 SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT THEN FULL STOP. GOT IT. 542 00:58:32,545 --> 00:58:35,949 FROM THE TOP. ACTION! LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I 543 00:58:35,949 --> 00:58:42,355 COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER MEDICINES. MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY 544 00:58:42,355 --> 00:58:49,662 MEDICINES, BUT DOVATO HAS LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS EFFECTIVE. THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO 545 00:58:49,662 --> 00:58:54,300 DOVATO HIV TREATMENT. FACT, YOU CAN GET HIV FROM A GIRL. 546 00:58:54,300 --> 00:59:00,073 THAT'S HOW I DID IT. CUT! AGAIN, AGAIN, WOW. 547 00:59:00,073 --> 00:59:03,877 DID I MESS UP THE DANCING? YEAH. IT WAS WORSE THIS TIME. 548 00:59:03,877 --> 00:59:10,550 ONCE AGAIN, MARIO, PERFECTION. AND JAMAL, BUDDY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY. 549 00:59:10,550 --> 00:59:16,022 I MESSED UP THE DANCING. NO. YOU AD LIBBED AGAIN. 550 00:59:16,022 --> 00:59:21,027 ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SCRIPT? NO, NOT AT ALL. 551 00:59:21,027 --> 00:59:26,199 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT CLEAR MY CHARACTER IS A STRAIGHT GUY 552 00:59:26,199 --> 00:59:29,669 RESPECTFULLY. IT'S NOT. THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE AT A GAY 553 00:59:29,669 --> 00:59:31,304 CLUB. OH, WORD. OKAY. 554 00:59:31,304 --> 00:59:34,341 YEAH. IS THAT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU. 555 00:59:34,341 --> 00:59:41,047 NO, NO PROBLEM. I JUST AIN'T, NO DOUBT. GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO 556 00:59:41,047 --> 00:59:46,219 GET THIS SCENE WRAPPED BEFORE MY SALAD GETS COLD. IT'S A HOT SALAD. 557 00:59:46,219 --> 00:59:50,724 AND ACTION. LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH 558 00:59:50,724 --> 00:59:54,327 FEWER MEDICINES. IT'S A GAY CLUB. WHAT. 559 00:59:54,327 --> 00:59:59,733 I MEAN, I'M COOL WITH THAT, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT. OKAY. 560 00:59:59,733 --> 01:00:04,104 FACT. THERE BE MAD STRAIGHT GIRLS AT THE GAY CLUBS, AND THEY BE 561 01:00:04,104 --> 01:00:09,609 READY, AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE YELL CUT? 562 01:00:09,609 --> 01:00:10,744 CUT. CUT. CUT. 563 01:00:10,744 --> 01:00:17,417 SORRY. SORRY. I TOOK A QUICK BITE OF MY HOT 564 01:00:17,417 --> 01:00:20,820 SALAD. IT BURNED THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH. HOW DID I DO? 565 01:00:20,820 --> 01:00:25,925 IT WAS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN BESIDES TOMMY'S DANCING. 566 01:00:25,925 --> 01:00:31,164 I'M TRYING. I JUST FEEL LIKE SINCE I'M STRAIGHT, MY GUY SHOULD BE 567 01:00:31,164 --> 01:00:36,002 STRAIGHT TOO. IT'S JUST ACTING, BRO. I'M NOT ACTUALLY GAY EITHER. 568 01:00:36,002 --> 01:00:40,674 OKAY. JAMAL, IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE, WE CAN JUST GIVE 569 01:00:40,674 --> 01:00:46,579 YOUR LINES TO MARIO. DO I STILL GET PAID THE SAME? YOU DON'T GET PAID. 570 01:00:46,579 --> 01:00:50,183 YOU JUST GO HOME. I NEED THIS JOB. THEN SAY THE LINES. 571 01:00:50,183 --> 01:00:56,322 WHAT IF MY GUY GOT HIV FROM BASKETBALL LIKE MAGIC JOHNSON. I APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN, 572 01:00:56,322 --> 01:01:00,160 BUT CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS ROLE, JAMAL. 573 01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:04,064 THAT'S A FACT. SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY JUST LEAVE, PLEASE? 574 01:01:04,064 --> 01:01:08,068 SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY JUST LEAVE, PLEASE? WAIT, ME? 575 01:01:23,983 --> 01:01:34,260 THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS CASE I COULDN'T SHAKE. A MAN WHO EATS DINNER EARLY. 576 01:01:34,260 --> 01:01:36,863 I LIKE THAT. HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE? 577 01:01:36,863 --> 01:01:40,567 YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING ME. WHY? YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD, AND I 578 01:01:40,567 --> 01:01:46,272 THINK YOU KILLED HIM. I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE MISTER -- 579 01:01:46,272 --> 01:01:49,242 RALLY. I LOVED MY HUSBAND, MR. RALLY. 580 01:01:49,242 --> 01:01:54,681 HE ARGUED WITH THE RADIO, REALLY KNEW HOW TO STINK UP A CHAIR. SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD MAN. 581 01:01:54,681 --> 01:01:58,118 HE WAS. THEY ALL WERE, EACH ONE OLDER THAN THE LAST. 582 01:01:58,118 --> 01:02:03,757 WHEN I MEET A MAN WITH GLASSES APP PANTS UP TO HIS CHEST, I GO HEAD OVER HEELS. 583 01:02:03,757 --> 01:02:07,761 HOW IS IT THEY ALL END UP DEAD? BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD. 584 01:02:07,761 --> 01:02:15,068 THE AUTOPSY REPORT SAYS EVERY MAN YOU MARRY DIES AFTER NATURAL CAUSES. 585 01:02:15,068 --> 01:02:21,975 WHAT'S NATURAL ABOUT THAT? THE CAUSES. I LIKE THE WAY THEIR KISSES 586 01:02:21,975 --> 01:02:28,148 TASTE LIKE A COUGH, HOW THEY CAN'T FIND THEIR GLASSES, AND THE WAY THEY MAKE LOVE, OH, HOLD 587 01:02:28,148 --> 01:02:33,620 ON, OUCH, OUCH, SORRY. LET ME JUST DO YOU. I'M STARTING TO GET THE 588 01:02:33,620 --> 01:02:41,094 PICTURE. IS IT A CRIME TO WANT A MAN WHO BEGS ME TO DRIVE HIM TO 589 01:02:41,094 --> 01:02:45,732 CHURCH AND SLEEPS THE WHOLE TIME? IS A GUY WHO NEVER USES HIS TURN 590 01:02:45,732 --> 01:02:50,570 SIGNAL AND SCREAMS AT RACCOONS IN HIS YARD. LISTEN, YOU GOT A THING, I 591 01:02:50,570 --> 01:02:54,407 GET THAT. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE LIKE TO TELL EVERYBODY WHAT 592 01:02:54,407 --> 01:02:58,745 THEIR THING IS THESE DAYS. OH. GETTING ANGRY AT PEOPLE THESE 593 01:02:58,745 --> 01:03:06,152 DAYS, MR. RALLY? ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME? I'M TOO YOUNG FOR YOU, LADY. 594 01:03:06,152 --> 01:03:10,690 I'M 33. I JUST LOOK OLDER BECAUSE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. 595 01:03:10,690 --> 01:03:15,562 SO NOW MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT YOUR THING IS. WHAT STARTS YOUR ENGINE, 596 01:03:15,562 --> 01:03:21,634 MR. RALLY? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? PANTY HOSE, JUST LADIES WITH 597 01:03:21,634 --> 01:03:24,704 NICE LEGS IN TIGHTS. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, BABY. 598 01:03:24,704 --> 01:03:35,115 WHO THE HELL IS THIS? MOTHER! DARLING. 599 01:03:35,115 --> 01:03:42,922 WHO'S THIS LITTLE SNACK? YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, MOTHER. DON'T BE CROSS WITH ME, 600 01:03:42,922 --> 01:03:47,660 DARLING. I CAN'T RESIST A MAN WITH A DEEP VOICE AND A BIG NOSE. 601 01:03:47,660 --> 01:03:53,133 OF COURSE A KNOCKOUT WALKS IN THE NIGHT BEFORE MY RHINO PLACETY. 602 01:03:53,133 --> 01:03:58,371 DON'T DO IT. I WANTED YOU TO GROW OLD WITH ME. 603 01:03:58,371 --> 01:04:05,879 SORE WE, SISTER, I LIKE THEM DESPERATE AND COOKY BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE ME A HARD 604 01:04:05,879 --> 01:04:10,717 TIME ABOUT THE BOOZE. I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR MOTHER OUT TO THE CLUB TO DO SOME 605 01:04:10,717 --> 01:04:13,253 STUPID DANCES. BUT FIRST, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT GUN. 606 01:04:13,253 --> 01:04:20,527 NO! THERE I WAS, DYING IN MY OFFICE, MURDERED FOR REASONS 607 01:04:20,527 --> 01:04:27,467 THAT WOULD THROW OLD SIGGY FROID FOR A LOOP. I GUESS YOU NEVER SOLVE YOUR 608 01:04:27,467 --> 01:04:31,805 LAST CASE. WHO WAS PAYING ME ANYWAY? WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS. 609 01:04:31,805 --> 01:04:38,211 WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS. THAT'S JUST HOW THINGS GO IN THE MIDTOWN EAST IN THE LOW 60s. 610 01:05:02,902 --> 01:05:16,683 MY MOTHER, THANK YOU AND HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!