1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:05,305 CRIMINALS BEWARE. THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, 2 00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:11,878 AND HE MEANS BUSINESS. FIRST, HE THE HUNTED DOWN THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTIONISTS AND 3 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:17,717 MADE THEM PAY. [ WHIP CRACKING ] NOW SHE'S SEARCHING FOR 4 00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:23,923 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, AND HE'S COMING FOR WHOEVER HAS THEM, DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS, OR 5 00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:28,528 WHATEVER TRUMP IS NOW. AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN HIS CROSS HAIRS. 6 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:33,133 HE'S ATTORNEY GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND. HELLO. 7 00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:45,812 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M MERRICK GARLAND. I MAY LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN IN A 8 00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:51,351 LIBRARY, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW. [ WHIP CRACKING ] 9 00:00:51,351 --> 00:00:58,658 MERRICK GARLAND DON'T PLAY. [ WHIP CRACKING ] AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, 10 00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:06,066 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN FOUND IN THE HOMES OF PRESIDENT BIDEN AND FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT 11 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:12,672 PENCE WHOSE LAWYERS ARE COOPERATING. AND ALSO, AT THE HOME OF FORMER 12 00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:20,980 PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHOSE LAWYER PUT A HORSE HEAD IN MY BED. SOME HAVE SAID THE FEDERAL 13 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:27,587 GOVERNMENT CLASSIFIES TOO MANY DOCUMENTS. ABOUT 50 MILLION A YEAR. 14 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:32,092 THIS HAS LED PEOPLE TO ASK, DOES RECOVERING THESE DOCUMENTS EVEN MATTER? 15 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:39,933 TO WHICH I SAY, I DON'T KNOW. BUT IT'S THE LAW. [ WHIP CRACKING ] 16 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:55,315 AND I AM THE LAW. TO ENFORCE THE LAW, I SENT TEAMS TO SEARCH THE HOMES OF SEVERAL 17 00:01:55,315 --> 00:02:01,521 RECENT PRESIDENTS AND VICE-PRESIDENTS. STARTING WITH MIKE PENCE. 18 00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:10,363 SPECIAL AGENT CONRAD NANCE WILL BRIEF YOU ON WHAT WE DISCOVERED. ALL RIGHT. 19 00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:17,637 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UPON ARRIVING AT MR. PENCE'S INDIANA HOME, I KNEW RIGHT AWAY 20 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:24,577 THIS MAN NEEDED A FRIEND. WHEN HE OPENED THE DOOR, HE SAID, YOU CAME! 21 00:02:24,577 --> 00:02:30,817 WITH A BIG SMILE, AND HE OFFERED TO MAKE US PANCAKES. OUR SEARCH TURNED UP NO 22 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:38,858 ADDITIONAL CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. HOWEVER, IN AN ENVELOPE MARKED "TAX STUFF" WE DISCOVERED 23 00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:44,798 PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE COUNTRY POP STAR SINGER SHANIA TWAIN CUT OUT FROM SEVERAL MAGAZINES. 24 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:49,903 WHEN CONFRONTED, MR. PENCE SAID, I'M SORRY. I'M DISGUSTING. 25 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:55,475 THEN WE INFORMED MR. PENCE THAT WE WERE DONE AND HAD TO LEAVE. HE SAID, HOW CAN YOU LEAVE WHEN 26 00:02:55,475 --> 00:03:01,114 YOU'RE IT? AND THEN TAGGED ME ON THE SHOULDER AND RAN AWAY. 27 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:07,087 HOPING THAT I WOULD CHASE AFTER HIM AND PLAY TAG, WHICH I DID NOT. 28 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:12,058 I WILL SAY, THOUGH, THAT IF YOU KNOW MR. PENCE, IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HIM, CHECK ON YOUR 29 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:15,929 PEOPLE. THAT'S ALL. ALL RIGHT. 30 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:24,571 THANK YOU, AGENT NANCE. NEXT, SPECIAL AGENT CASEY COMBS WILL DISCUSS IF THERE WERE ANY 31 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:30,076 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AT VICE-PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS' HOME. 32 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:37,317 COME ON NOW. JOE BIDEN WON'T EVEN GIVE THIS WOMAN A PEN. 33 00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:41,688 YOU THINK SHE HAS CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS? PLEASE. 34 00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:45,892 KAMALA HARRIS WITH CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. WELL, WE HAD TO AT LEAST 35 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:50,864 CHECK. THANK YOU, AGENT COMBS. FINALLY, WE SEARCHED FORMER 36 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:58,705 PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S HOME. SPECIAL AGENT DERECK KAY WILL DISCUSS WHAT WE FOUND. 37 00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:03,243 THANK YOU. YEAH. DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I WAS IN 38 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:09,149 BARACK OBAMA'S HOUSE. YEAH. NO BIG DEAL. 39 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:16,856 BUT IT WAS REALLY FUN. MR. OBAMA OPENED THE DOOR AND SAID, ARE YOU SELLING GIRL SCOUT 40 00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:21,695 COOKIES, WHICH HAD US ALL TOTALLY CRACKING UP, LIKE COMPLETELY DEAD. 41 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:30,303 WE THEN ENTERED THE HOME AND WERE SHOWN A NUMBER OF THINGS, INCLUDING 175 LETTERS FROM LIN 42 00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:40,380 MANUEL BEGGING THE PRESIDENT TO PERFORM HAMILTON. OBAMA LIKE READ ONE AS LIN 43 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:44,250 MANUEL. I'M NOT JOKING. IT WAS SO FUNNY. 44 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:52,726 ANYWAY, WE ASKED HIM ABOUT CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, AND HE SAID HE WAS, QUOTE, OUT OF THE 45 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:57,664 GOVERNMENT GAME AND DOING THE HOLLYWOOD THING NOW. BUT THEN, BEYONCE CALLED HIM ON 46 00:04:57,664 --> 00:05:03,036 HIS CELL PHONE, AND HE IGNORED IT. SO, YEAH, JUST LIKE A REALLY 47 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,106 COOL, FUN TIME. ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU HAVE IT, AMERICA. 48 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:12,479 IF YOU HAVE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN YOUR HOME, I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU. 49 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:20,887 YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING WITH? 50 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:25,959 [ WHIP CRACKING ] F AROUND AND FIND OUT. HEY, BOSS. 51 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:31,698 WHEN WE DONE PLAYING WITH THESE LITTLE PAPERS, WE GOING TO HEAD DOWN TO MEMPHIS AND MAKE SURE 52 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:37,237 JUSTICE IS SERVED DOWN THERE TOO, RIGHT? I SINCERELY HOPE SO. 53 00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:41,675 YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 54 00:05:45,945 --> 00:05:50,083 Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 55 00:05:52,952 --> 00:07:29,716 WITH -- 56 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:44,564 MUSICAL GUEST -- LIL BABY. AND YOUR HOST, MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 57 00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:52,305 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 58 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:10,290 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. 59 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:16,796 MY NAME IS MICHAEL B. JORDAN. BUT TONIGHT, MICHAEL B. HOSTING. MICHAEL B. JOKING. 60 00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:22,235 AND HONESTLY, MICHAEL B. NERVOUS. MICHAEL B. VULNERABLE. 61 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:29,642 BUT DON'T WORRY. MICHAEL B. ALL RIGHT. BECAUSE MICHAEL B. IN THERAPY. 62 00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:34,681 IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK HERE AT SNL. YESTERDAY, I HAD A CRAZY FULL 63 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:38,284 CIRCLE MOMENT. WE PRESHOT SOME VIDEOS FOR THE SHOW. 64 00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:44,457 WHEN I GOT TO THE STUDIO, I REALIZED IT WAS THE EXACT SAME PLACE I SHOT ONE OF MY FIRST 65 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:52,665 ACTING ROLES ON THE SOAP OPERA, "ALL MY CHILDREN" I WAS 16 YEARS OLD. 66 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:55,135 HERE'S A CLIP. I TOLD YOU IN THE BEGINNING YOU SET THE PACE. 67 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:59,639 SO YOU'RE NOT MAD? NO. SOMETIMES THE ANIMAL IN ME JUST 68 00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:07,080 GETS KIND OF CRAZY. [ HOWLING ] PRETTY SURE I HIT PUBERTY 69 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:11,818 MID-HOWL. THAT WAS 2003. AND NOW 20 YEARS LATER, I JUST 70 00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:20,326 DIRECTED MY VERY FIRST MOVIE, "CREED III" BUT RIGHT AFTER THAT, I WENT THROUGH MY VERY 71 00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:25,198 FIRST PUBLIC BREAKUP. MOST PEOPLE AFTER A BREAKUP ARE LIKE, I'M GOING TO GET IN BETTER 72 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,167 SHAPE. BUT I WAS ALREADY IN CREED SHAPE. 73 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:32,672 SO I HAD TO BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE. 74 00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:40,714 ANYWAY, ESTOY EN RAYA. AFTER THE BREAKUP, EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS SO HEART BROKEN. 75 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:46,453 I WAS AT A BASKETBALL GAME WHEN THE NEWS BROKE OUT, AND THEY CAUGHT ME LOOKING LIKE THIS. 76 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:52,926 I WAS JUST CHILLING, BUT THE INTERNET DECIDED THAT WAS ME BEING SAD. 77 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:58,732 LUCKY FOR ME, IF YOU GOOGLE MICHAEL JORDAN, THE FIRST 8,000 RESULTS ARE THIS. 78 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:03,803 HEY, MICHAEL. WHAT'S UP, CHLOE? NOT MUCH. 79 00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:09,009 SO I KNOW YOU'RE SINGLE, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT I'M SINGLE? DON'T YOU DATE THAT HOT 80 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:13,513 WRITER? NOT IF YOU'RE AVAILABLE. HEY. 81 00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:19,719 COULD YOU REMIND ME HOW TO SPELL YOUR NUMBER? HEY, CHLOE, DON'T YOU HAVE TO 82 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:25,925 GO AWAY? I'M SORRY, BITCH. HEY, MIKEY B. 83 00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:31,798 FIND IF I CALL YOU MIKEY B.? I WOULD RATHER YOU NOT. OKAY. 84 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:36,803 A MAN WHAT KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. I LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A CREED POSTER 85 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:40,440 IN MY BEDROOM. OH, NICE. I ALWAYS DREAMED OF PEOPLE 86 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:47,847 HAVING MY POSTER UP ON THE WALL. YEAH, WALL, PRINTED ON TO A BODY PILLOW. 87 00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:49,416 WHATEVER. EXCUSE ME. GO ON, BITCH. 88 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:55,321 HEY, MICHAEL. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE OUT HERE. 89 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:59,659 YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE ON STAGE DELIVERING MY MONOLOGUE? SORRY. 90 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:05,865 I WAS JUST TAKING A WALK AROUND THE STUDIO, AND I JUST THREW THIS ON. 91 00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:11,404 IS THIS A WEDDING DRESS? I GUESS WE COULD TECHNICALLY GET MARRIED NOW THEN, HUH? 92 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:15,308 THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS. OUR FIRST FIGHT. MAKEUP SEX? 93 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:21,114 EGO. FINE, MICHAEL. MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL. 94 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:30,156 MM. BOY, YOU LOOKING FINE AS EVER AS ALWAYS. 95 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,759 PUNKIE. I GOT THE SAME SUIT LIKE YOU GOT. 96 00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:39,532 AREN'T YOU GAY? I AM. BUT YOU MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 97 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:45,805 AND I'M PUNKIE B. CURIOUS. I MEAN, EVEN VEGANS GOT CHEAT DAYS, RIGHT? 98 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:56,649 NO, THEY DON'T. BOY, YOU SO FUNNY. I SEE YOU AT THE AFTERPARTY, 99 00:11:56,649 --> 00:12:01,821 BABE. LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE STANDING ON 100 00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:06,326 THIS STAGE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I CAN TAKE MYSELF A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY. 101 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:09,329 BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN. I'M GOING TO GO FOR IT AND 102 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:14,968 MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, LET THE INNER ANIMAL GET A LITTLE CRAZY. [ HOWLING ] 103 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:20,306 [ HOWLING ] WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 104 00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:32,318 WELCOME BACK TO GOOD MORNING TODAY. LATER IN THE HOUR, WE'LL BE 105 00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:39,859 TALKING PIT BULLS. WHO ARE THEY, WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US, AND HOW ARE THEY SO 106 00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:43,630 YOLKED? BUT FIRST, IT'S TIME FOR CUISINE WITH FRANCINE. 107 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:49,436 CAN I JUST SAY I'M SO HAPPY FRANCINE IS BACK. ME TOO, AS I'M SURE MOST OF 108 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:56,543 OUR VIEWERS KNOW, FRANCINE WAS GONE YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE GOT STUCK ON A RUN AWAY ROLLER 109 00:12:56,543 --> 00:13:02,048 COASTER GOING 150 MILES AN HOUR FOR 19 HOURS STRAIGHT. NOW SHE'S BACK BETTER THAN 110 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:06,319 EVER AND NOT THE LEAST BIT PHASED. HI, FRANCINE! 111 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:13,493 HI, RICHARD. HI TANIA, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK, AND I'VE GOT SOME REALLY 112 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:18,932 EXCITING FLAVORS TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL TODAY. WOW, FRANCINE. 113 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:25,138 YOU LOOK NUTS. DID YOU COME HERE STRAIGHT FROM THE AMUSEMENT PARK? 114 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:29,776 SURE DID. COULDN'T BE LATE TO BE BACK IN THE STUDIO. 115 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:34,080 WELL, THAT'S GREAT. SO WHAT'S ON THE MENU TODAY, FRANCINE? 116 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:41,154 WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR PASSPORTS READY BECAUSE TODAY WE'RE OFF TO ITALIA. 117 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:52,465 JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, FOR A CULTURE ADVENTURE THAT WILL HAVE YOU SAYING MAMA MIA. 118 00:13:52,465 --> 00:14:01,041 TODAY, WE'RE EATING BUFFALO MOZZARELLA. CROSTINI, AND OF COURSE A GLASS 119 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:10,417 OF CHIANTI. SALUD! NOW THAT'S GOOD VINO. 120 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:18,491 LOOKS LIKE THAT HIT THE SPOT. AT LEAST THE PART THAT GOT IN. 121 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:28,468 MM! REALLY COMPLEMENTS THE WINE. SO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS AS MY 122 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:33,840 ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL. WHAT? I THINK SHE -- I THINK SHE 123 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:38,712 COMPARED THE WINE TO ALL THOSE LOOP-DE-LOOPS. WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VIDEO OF 124 00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:45,685 THAT. YEAH. MUST BE HARD TO WATCH, HUH, 125 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:51,958 FRANCINE? WHAT WAS THAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE 126 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:59,466 CRISPY CRUNCH OF MY CRISPY, CRUNCHY, CROSTINI. WELL, THANKS, FRANCINE. 127 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:05,739 NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE WEATHER WITH OUR VERY OWN JASON BURRESS. HI, GUYS. 128 00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:13,813 IT LOOKS LIKE A DOOZY. OBVIOUSLY WE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT JASON WAS ALSO 129 00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:18,051 TRAPPED ON THE ROLLER COASTER. I ACTUALLY THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THAT. 130 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:23,456 OH. SO HOW'S THE WEATHER LOOKING, JASON? 131 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:28,528 IT'S NOT GOOD AT ALL. WE HAVE SNOW COMING IN FROM THE EAST. 132 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:31,531 UH-HUH. WE HAVE SNOW COMING IN FROM THE WEST, UH-HUH. 133 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:37,671 SNOW FROM THE TOP, YEAH, AND SNOW FROM THE BOTTOM. LOOK, I'M DIZZY AS HELL FROM 134 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:42,709 THAT ROLLER COASTER RIDE. WAIT A MINUTE. SOMETHING SURE SMELLS GOOD. 135 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:48,648 OH, WHAT YOU COOKING OVER THERE, FRANCINE? JUST SOME MINESTRONE SOUP. 136 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:55,555 BUT CAREFUL, IT'S HOT. YOU GOT TO BLOW ON IT. MM. 137 00:15:55,555 --> 00:16:08,702 THAT LOOKS DELICIOSO. MM. OH, MM, MM, MM. 138 00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:16,509 YES. GREAT. WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS MUST 139 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:20,647 BE PRETTY HUNGRY AFTER THAT CRAZY RIDE. YEAH. 140 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:25,819 THE ONLY THING WE HAD TO EAT WERE THE BUGS THAT FLEW INTO OUR OPEN MOUTHS. 141 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:35,395 YEAH. BUGS LIKE BUMBLEBEES, CICADAS, AND ONE DOG-SIZED BAT. 142 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:44,104 NOW, THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME SPAGHETTI, JASON? 143 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:48,575 OH, OKAY. OH, MY GOSH. YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER. 144 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:53,179 OF COURSE YOU PROBABLY GOT REAL CLOSE DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER ON THE ROLLER COASTER. 145 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:57,550 WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW? I THINK THEY'RE DOING A 146 00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:08,161 LITTLE LADY AND THE TRAMP THING. AWW, SO ROMANTIC. I'M SORRY. 147 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,931 FRANCINE, IS THERE SOMETHING UNDER YOUR SHIRT? OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. 148 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:20,640 SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND. IS THAT A BIRD KICKING ITS LITTLE LEGS? 149 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:25,345 YEP. HE FLEW STRAIGHT INTO HER STOMACH AT 200 MILES AN HOUR. 150 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:30,884 THE DOCTORS SAY IF I PULL IT OUT, BOTH OF US WILL DIE. NOW BACK TO YOU GUYS. 151 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:35,689 ALL RIGHT. COMING UP NEXT, OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE TEENAGE BOY 152 00:17:35,689 --> 00:17:42,062 WHO OPERATED THE ROLLER COASTER AND WHY HE DID NOTHING TO STOP IT. 153 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:49,903 IT. TWO REASONS:TOO DUMB AND TOO HIGH. 154 00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:04,317 PRIDE OURSELVES ON A SMOOTH FLYING EXPERIENCE. OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WE 155 00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:06,019 MESSED UP. OUR SYSTEM COLLAPSED, AND THOUSANDS OF FLYERS WERE LEFT 156 00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:10,790 STRANDED, AND YOU UNDERSTANDABLY SCREAMED AT US FOR DAYS ON END, EVEN MORE THAN YOU USUALLY DO. 157 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:21,034 AND SURE, WE LOST $800 MILLION IN REV KNEW AND ARE BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE FAA. 158 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:28,475 FOR STARTERS, WE ARE FINALLY UPGRADING OUR ENTIRE COMPUTER SYSTEM TO 2008 DELL COMPUTERS. 159 00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:33,279 THAT'S RIGHT. WE ARE SAYING GOOD-BYE TO THOSE IBM THINKPAD LAPTOPS WITH THE 160 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:37,117 LITTLE RED NIPPLE IN THE MIDDLE. NO MORE MISSING BAGGAGE AT BAGGAGE CLAIM, GUARANTEED. 161 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:42,589 FROM HERE ON OUT, ALL LUGGAGE WILL BE SORTED BY COLOR. THAT MAKES IT YOUR 162 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:47,527 RESPONSIBILITY, NOT OURS. SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO DALLAS, BRING A RED SUITCASE. 163 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:55,068 BLUE BAGS GO TO CHARLOTTE. AND GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLY TO ENJOY OUR NEW PREMIER LOUNGE 164 00:18:55,068 --> 00:19:00,040 LOCATED INSIDE STARBUCKS. WE HOLD DOWN TWO OR THREE TABLES FOR Y'ALL. 165 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:07,280 WE'RE MODERNIZING OUR AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL NETWORK. WE WILL BE USING OUR OLD IBM 166 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,016 THINKPAD LAPTOPS WITH THE LITTLE RED NIPPLE IN THE MIDDLE. NOW I GET A PROPER FLIGHT 167 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:14,721 SCHEDULE INSTEAD OF FINDING OUT WHERE I'M GOING 15 MINUTES BEFORE TAKEOFF. 168 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:18,258 AND NOW WE'RE STREAMLINING CHECK IN BY NOT HAVING ONE AT ALL. 169 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:22,028 TRYING TO FILL UP THE PLANE AND GO. YOU GOOD. 170 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:29,736 WE'RE ALSO UPGRADING OUR INFLIGHT STAFF STRICTLY WITH PEOPLE WHO USED TO WORK AT 171 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:34,841 WAFFLE HOUSE. COME AT THEM IF YOU WANT, BUT THESE BIG PITCHES DON'T PLAY. 172 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:38,645 THAT'S ON US. MOSTLY. SOME OF IT'S ON YOU. 173 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,247 YOU BOUGHT THE TICKET. AGAIN, YOU BOUGHT A SOUTHWEST TICKET. 174 00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:45,051 YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T RESPECT YOURSELF, SO WHY SHOULD WE? THANK YOU. 175 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:48,655 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. FOR FLYING SOUTHWEST. 176 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:54,260 WELCOME ABOARD. SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, 177 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:56,229 SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, JUST WALK. 178 00:20:03,937 --> 00:20:09,442 THEN, SOMEHOW, THEY FIND NEMO. NO, MAN. THAT'S CRAZY, MAN. 179 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:13,013 IT'S A BIG OCEAN AND LIKE A SMALL LITTLE FISH. I KNOW, MAN. 180 00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:17,183 THEY GOT LUCKY, MAN. WHAT CAN I SAY, THEY GOT LUCKY. HEY. 181 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:21,287 CAN I GET A TOWEL? YES, OF COURSE. HEY, YOU AMERICAN? 182 00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:27,260 I AM, YEAH. ELLEN DEMENEMES? WHAT? 183 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:34,834 YOU KNOW, THE TV LADY, ELLEN DEMENEMES. SHE ALWAYS COME OUT DANCING, YOU 184 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:39,406 KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE ELLEN DEMENEMES. YOU KNOW? 185 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:44,177 OKAY. YOU DON'T KNOW ELLEN DEMENEMES? 186 00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:48,815 SHE'S MARRIED TO THE CAR. THE PORSCHE. THAT CHICK IS FUNNY, MAN. 187 00:20:48,815 --> 00:21:03,296 YEAH, ELLEN DeGENERES. CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY TOWEL? THAT TOOK WAY TOO LONG. 188 00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:12,072 YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, I SAW THIS MOVIE, "MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE" BUT THE MISSION NOT IMPOSSIBLE 189 00:21:12,072 --> 00:21:17,977 BECAUSE HE GOING TO DO IT. THEY SHOULD CALL IT MISSION:HE PROBABLY GOING TO DO 190 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:22,182 IT. WHAT'S UP, FELLAS, CAN I GET A TOWEL POR FAVOR? 191 00:21:22,182 --> 00:21:37,397 MY FRIEND ON DUALINGO. YOU AMERICAN? YEAH. 192 00:21:37,397 --> 00:21:43,436 GIVE ME A CANNOLI OR I'M GOING TO DROWN YOU. THAT'S EASY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE 193 00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:45,605 STRONG. HEY, MAN. HERE'S YOUR TOWEL, MAN. 194 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:53,947 GRACIAS. TOTAL DELL BANO. YOU'RE WELCOME TO THE 195 00:21:53,947 --> 00:21:59,552 BATHROOM, MAN. WHAT'S GOING ON? DID YOU GUYS SEE ELLEN 196 00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:04,324 DEMENEMES? ELLEN DEMENEMES. NO, SHE'S NOT HERE. 197 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:09,896 I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN WITH MY TWO FAVORITE TOWEL GUYS. QUESTION FOR YOU, MAN. 198 00:22:09,896 --> 00:22:14,067 IS IT TRUE YOU'RE TRYING TO REPLACE US WITH A MACHINE? NO. 199 00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:18,304 I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, NO. COULD YOU PLEASE? YEAH, MAN, BECAUSE THEN WE 200 00:22:18,304 --> 00:22:23,476 CAN DO DIFFERENT JOB IN THE HOTEL. I WANT TO FOLD THE TOILET PAPER 201 00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:28,181 INTO A LITTLE TRIANGLE SO FOR THE FIRST WIPE, IT'S CRAZY. YEAH. 202 00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:40,226 AND I WANT TO BE THE CONSIERGE. I GET A MAP, AND I CIRCLE THINGS ON THE MAP, AND THEN I SAY, YOU 203 00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:56,109 CAN GO THERE. AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ONCE SAID, THE VERY SUBSTANCE OF A 204 00:22:56,109 --> 00:23:00,780 DREAM -- EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. 205 00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:07,654 I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? I DO SPEAK ENGLISH. 206 00:23:07,654 --> 00:23:13,059 MAMACITAS, 2:00. CAN WE GET A TOWEL? YES, OF COURSE. 207 00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:20,533 IT'S ONE FOR THE OLD LITTLE MERMAID, AND ONE FOR THE NEW LITTLE MERMAID. 208 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:26,840 * A WHOLE NEW GIRL * VERY FUNNY, GUYS. THAT SONG IS FROM ALADDIN. 209 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:34,080 I WANT TO CLIMB ON A LADDER. I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE DOWN HERE IN PUNTA CANA. 210 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,083 THAT'S NICE. I LOVE THE WAY Y'ALL BE PLAYING WITH THE PLANTAIN. 211 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:44,924 I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO LIKE IT, BUT NOW I'M LIKE, BANANA FOR DINNER, OKAY? 212 00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:52,432 YOU KNOW WHO YOU SOUND LIKE, THE FORRY GUM. THE GUY WHO CAN'T FIND YENNY. 213 00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:57,270 HIS BRAIN DON'T REACH HIS LEGS, SO HE CAN RUN FOREVER. I WANT TO THANK YOU FELLAS 214 00:23:57,270 --> 00:24:01,541 FOR ALL YOUR HELP TODAY. CAN I GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE? 215 00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:05,879 WE IS ACCEPT TIPS, POPPY. I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER THAN A TIP. 216 00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:13,620 HOW ABOUT A PRAYER. LORD, PLEASE PROTECT THESE WONDERFUL DOMINICAN GENTLEMEN 217 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:18,792 FROM THE HARSH SUN. I WANTED MONEY, POPPY. THE MONEY WOU BE BETTER, MAN. 218 00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:24,364 LORD, PROTECT THEM FROM ALL EVIL IN JESUS' NAME, AMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 219 00:24:24,364 --> 00:24:31,771 YOU KNOW, JESUS IS GOOD. BUT MONEY IS BETTER. YOU KNOW WHO HAS A LOT OF MONEY? 220 00:24:31,771 --> 00:24:43,083 ELLEN DEMENEMES. ELLEN DEMENEMES. * ELLEN DEMENEMES * 221 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:52,859 AS A HOMEOWNER, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO GO WRONG. I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A BATH. 222 00:24:52,859 --> 00:24:56,930 LUCKILY, STATE FARM HAS YOU COVERED NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE. 223 00:24:56,930 --> 00:25:01,234 WITH THE STATE FARM APP, YOU CAN FILE A CLAIM IN SECONDS SO YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR LIFE. 224 00:25:01,234 --> 00:25:06,673 WOW, THAT WAS EASY. THANKS, JAKE FROM STATE FARM. LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE 225 00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:09,876 FARM IS THERE. GUESS I WON'T BE LATE FOR WORK AFTER ALL. 226 00:25:09,876 --> 00:25:14,247 ONE MORE THING. IS THIS DRYER SAFE. BY, HON. 227 00:25:14,247 --> 00:25:19,152 HAVE A GREAT DAY. HEY, DO YOU WANT A CUP OF COFFEE? 228 00:25:19,152 --> 00:25:24,391 I WOULD LOVE ONE. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS, STATE FARM HAS A POLICY 229 00:25:24,391 --> 00:25:28,895 FOR YOU. HELLO? OH, JAKE FROM STATE FARM. 230 00:25:28,895 --> 00:25:33,700 YOU'RE STILL HERE. UNLIKE OTHER INSURANCE COMPANIES, STATE FARM IS HERE 231 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:38,204 FOR YOU 24/7. RIGHT. SO WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR DINNER? 232 00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:44,177 OH, JAKE AND THE KIDS AND I WENT OUT FOR PIZZA. BUT THERE SHOULD BE STUFF IN THE 233 00:25:44,177 --> 00:25:50,083 FRIDGE TO MAKE A SANDWICH. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME. 234 00:25:50,083 --> 00:26:00,827 I WILL. AND IN SPORTS, THE BLUE JAYS AND YANKEES MEET TONIGHT FOR THE 235 00:26:00,827 --> 00:26:06,533 DECIDING GAME. WHOA. LOOK WHO'S UP, SLEEPY HEAD. 236 00:26:06,533 --> 00:26:12,272 THINK FAST. HEY. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? 237 00:26:12,272 --> 00:26:15,508 JAKE AND I TOOK THE KIDS TO CHURCH. TO CHURCH? 238 00:26:15,508 --> 00:26:23,683 YES, TO CHURCH. AND I HAPPEN TO AGREE. NOW EXCUSE ME. 239 00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:27,787 YOU'RE GETTING IT. YOU'RE A NATURAL. GIVE ME SOME. 240 00:26:27,787 --> 00:26:32,258 LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM IS THERE. SOME HEAT. 241 00:26:32,258 --> 00:26:41,267 STATE FARM IS THERE. I TAKE THE INSURANCE CLAIM. STATE FARM IS THERE. 242 00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:49,876 STATE FARM IS THERE. YOU LOOKING FOR BETTER RATES? JESUS. 243 00:26:49,876 --> 00:26:57,150 YOU KNOW YOU WON'T FIND THEM. STATE FARM IS RATE MATCHED EVEN IF YOU DO FIND CHEAPER COVERAGE, 244 00:26:57,150 --> 00:27:02,322 WE'LL JUST MATCH IT. THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND I WANT HIM GONE. 245 00:27:02,322 --> 00:27:09,763 HE IS NOT A GOOD NEIGHBOR! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY FACE! 246 00:27:09,763 --> 00:27:19,939 SAVE EVEN MORE WHEN YOU BUNDLE HOME AND AUTO. SLEEP TIGHT. 247 00:27:19,939 --> 00:27:28,481 STATE FARM IS WITH YOU 24/7. I JUST WANTED A POLICY! LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM 248 00:27:28,481 --> 00:27:41,661 IS THERE, AND HERE AND IN MY BED WITH MY WIFE! HE TOOK EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING! 249 00:27:41,661 --> 00:27:49,169 STEP AWAY FROM THE EDGE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, BUDDY * LIMU EMU * 250 00:27:49,169 --> 00:27:53,907 AND DOUG. LIMU AND I CAN HELP SNOENT LIBERTY, LIBERTY, LIBERTY * 251 00:27:57,410 --> 00:28:04,417 OKAY, GUYS. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TO LAY DOWN SOME VOICEOVER FOR THE 252 00:28:04,417 --> 00:28:07,887 MUCH-ANTICIPATED STREET FIGHTER 6 GAME. EXCITED TO BE HERE, THANKS. 253 00:28:07,887 --> 00:28:15,295 THRILLED TO BE ON BOARD. THANKS FOR BEING HERE LAST MINUTE, OUR LAST ACTOR QUIT DUE 254 00:28:15,295 --> 00:28:19,032 TO CREATIVE DIFFERENCES AND BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE. ACTORS. 255 00:28:19,032 --> 00:28:24,404 I KNOW. SO TRACE, YOU WILL BE PLAYING KEN, A FORMER U.S. FIGHTING 256 00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:29,075 CHAMP. TOTALLY IN MY ELEMENT. I SERVED FOR THREE YEARS. 257 00:28:29,075 --> 00:28:36,716 DANNY, YOU ARE A MARTIAL ARTIST SEEKING TRUE STRENGTH, RYU. 258 00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:42,589 LOVE. FOR THE FIRST TAKE, LET'S GET YOU MAKING EFFORTS. 259 00:28:42,589 --> 00:28:46,526 TAKING BLOWS, HITS, EVERYTHING. ROLLING. AND ACTION. 260 00:28:46,526 --> 00:28:52,065 BOOM, AH! HA! HIYA! 261 00:28:52,065 --> 00:28:56,569 YES, THAT'S GREAT. DANNY, LET'S GET THE SAME FROM YOU. 262 00:28:56,569 --> 00:29:02,008 OKAY. WHOO! YEA! 263 00:29:02,008 --> 00:29:04,210 HOO! LET'S GO! THAT WAS REALLY FUN. 264 00:29:04,210 --> 00:29:07,847 THANKS FOR LETTING ME PLAY. YEAH. SO I GUESS WE WERE LOOKING FOR 265 00:29:07,847 --> 00:29:11,484 MORE GRUNTS, YOU KNOW? YOU'RE FIGHTING. YOU'RE IN PAIN. 266 00:29:11,484 --> 00:29:15,488 I SEE. SO MAYBE DO IT LIKE YOU'RE FIGHTING OR IN PAIN. 267 00:29:15,488 --> 00:29:18,558 GOT IT. TRACE, YOU DON'T NEED TO CHANGE WHAT YOU WERE DOING. 268 00:29:18,558 --> 00:29:23,830 BUT DANNY, MAYBE IT'S MORE AGGRESSIVE, ANIMALISTIC, THAT KIND OF THING. 269 00:29:23,830 --> 00:29:27,300 MM. YES, CHEF. ALL RIGHT. 270 00:29:27,300 --> 00:29:31,538 AND ACTION. UGH! ROUGH! 271 00:29:31,538 --> 00:29:38,645 HOO HOO! MEOW! CUT! 272 00:29:38,645 --> 00:29:41,114 NO, TRACE, DON'T MATCH WHAT HE'S DOING. OKAY. 273 00:29:41,114 --> 00:29:44,317 HE'S JUST AN AMAZING SCENE PARTNER, SO YOU KNOW. THANK YOU. 274 00:29:44,317 --> 00:29:47,787 I WAS JUST TAKING YOUR NOTE. YOU SAID TO DO ANIMALS. YEAH. 275 00:29:47,787 --> 00:30:01,368 BUT I SAID A BUNCH OCH STUFF BEFORE THAT. WELL, I HAVE AUDITORY BIASED, 276 00:30:01,368 --> 00:30:04,571 SO YOU CAN CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME, I CAN SUE YOU. DON'T FIGHT. 277 00:30:04,571 --> 00:30:10,877 IT REMINDS ME OF THE WAR. LET'S MOVE ON. WE NEED TO GET VERBAL PHRASES TO 278 00:30:10,877 --> 00:30:15,782 SAY DURING THE FIGHT. HEY, I LIKE YOUR NECKLACE. OH, THIS OLD THING? 279 00:30:15,782 --> 00:30:18,084 THANKS. YEA! KINDNESS WINS. 280 00:30:18,084 --> 00:30:25,125 WHAT ARE YOUR PRONOUNS? HE/HIM. I'LL TELL HIM. 281 00:30:25,125 --> 00:30:30,830 KENNETH, HE/THEY. WE CAN'T USE ANY OF THAT. OH, THAT MAKES ME SAD. 282 00:30:30,830 --> 00:30:35,035 IS THERE A REASON? YES. BECAUSE NO ONE SOUNDS LIKE THAT 283 00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:38,338 WHEN THEY FIGHT. THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU REMIND ME EXACTLY OF SOMEONE 284 00:30:38,338 --> 00:30:42,942 I SERVED WITH IN IRAQ. OH, YOU WENT TO IRAQ. WHERE DID YOU STAY? 285 00:30:42,942 --> 00:30:48,248 DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS. BUT YOU NEED TO PLAY MORE HETERO. 286 00:30:48,248 --> 00:30:50,950 YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING. I GOT IT. 287 00:30:50,950 --> 00:30:55,188 LET ROLL. HEY, BROTHER KEN, BY ACCEPTS LOOKING HUGE. 288 00:30:55,188 --> 00:30:59,192 YOU LOOK PRETTY SWOLE YOURSELF, BRO. I SAW YOU CHANGING IN THE 289 00:30:59,192 --> 00:31:05,765 LOCKER ROOM, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY SOFT, MY DUDE. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW 290 00:31:05,765 --> 00:31:11,638 MY NAME. EASY, BRO, MY WIFE IS ON THIS APP. 291 00:31:11,638 --> 00:31:16,076 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS ISN'T EVEN AN APP. IT'S A VIDEO GAME. 292 00:31:16,076 --> 00:31:21,948 OKAY THEN I'LL RACE YOU TO THE VIDEO CUBE, MY BROTHER. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU WOULD 293 00:31:21,948 --> 00:31:27,320 SOUND LIKE THIS IN A REAL FIGHT? YES, I WOULD, BROTHER. OH, MY GOD. 294 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:31,825 FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I TOLD YOU I WOULD KILL YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE. 295 00:31:31,825 --> 00:31:34,728 DON'T WORRY. I'LL PROTECT YOU. WHOO! 296 00:31:34,728 --> 00:31:46,006 MEOW! WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED. YOU TWO JUST SAVED MY LIFE. 297 00:31:46,006 --> 00:31:51,878 YOU TWO JUST SAVED MY LIFE. NO, STEVEN. KEN AND RYU SAVED YOUR LIFE. 298 00:32:00,954 --> 00:32:19,105 BABY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 299 00:32:19,105 --> 00:32:20,640 * YEAH MADE IT OUT THE TRENCHES THIS TYPE OF LIFE 300 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,542 I CAN GET USED TO * * NUMBER ONE ON YOUTUBE PRIVATE DINNER IN MALIBU * 301 00:32:22,542 --> 00:32:24,411 * SHOW YOU HOW TO WORK YOUR STICK AIN'T NOBODY 302 00:32:24,411 --> 00:32:26,146 GON' HANDLE YOU * * PUT YOU IN A PHANTOM 'CAUSE YOU MY LIL' BOO 303 00:32:26,146 --> 00:32:28,181 READY FOR WHATEVER I TIE UP MY BOOTS * * EVERYBODY GOIN' 304 00:32:28,181 --> 00:32:30,850 THE SAME ROUTE SO I SWITCHED UP MY ROUTE * * PEOPLE AIN'T 305 00:32:30,850 --> 00:32:33,687 WHAT THEY BE TALKIN' 'BOUT SO I SWITCHED UP MY CREW * * ACTIN' LIKE YOU LOVE ME 306 00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:36,256 KNOWIN' IT'S FLAW SO I'M GON' FAKE IT TOO * * WHAT ELSE 307 00:32:36,256 --> 00:32:38,992 AM I SUPPOSED TO DO * * AWARE OF MY SURROUNDINGS I DON'T MESS WITH Y'ALL 308 00:32:38,992 --> 00:32:41,628 DON'T COME AROUND ME * * BABY SWITCHED UP HOW THAT SOUND 309 00:32:41,628 --> 00:32:43,830 LIKE SOMEBODY IN HIS FEELINGS * * YOU CAN'T NAME 310 00:32:43,830 --> 00:32:45,965 SOMETHIN' I DID FLAW I'MA DYIN' BREED OF THE REALEST * 311 00:32:45,965 --> 00:32:48,168 * I AIN'T NEVER WORRY 'BOUT ANOTHER HITTA SO IN THAT CASE 312 00:32:48,168 --> 00:32:50,303 I'M THE BIGGEST * * I BEEN TRAVELLIN' AROUND THE WORLD 313 00:32:50,303 --> 00:32:53,006 MY PIVOT STILL AIN'T LEFT THE BUSINESS * * SHE GOT EVERYTHING I WANT 314 00:32:53,006 --> 00:32:55,108 AIN'T NO NEED TO MESS WITH THESE WOMEN* * YOU CAN GO 315 00:32:55,108 --> 00:32:57,844 AND HAVE A LIL' FUN I AIN'T GON' TRIP BABY I GET IT * 316 00:32:57,844 --> 00:32:59,512 * AIN'T MESSIN' AROUND IN THIS GAME WHEREVER THIS PLANE LAND 317 00:32:59,512 --> 00:33:02,215 I'M THE LIT-EST THERE * * TURN YOUR BACK ON ME I AIN'T EVEN CARE 318 00:33:02,215 --> 00:33:04,384 IF YOU NEED ME I'M STILL GON' BE THERE * * TELL ME HOW THE -- 319 00:33:04,384 --> 00:33:09,856 SWITCH ON WHO I WASN'T THERE * * -- THEM TOO I'M PREPARED 320 00:33:09,856 --> 00:33:12,392 I RUN THEM GET THAT CLEAR * HEART BROKE CAN'T DROP NO TEARS 321 00:33:12,392 --> 00:33:15,595 WAS WHAT IT WAS IS WHAT IT IS * * CALIFORNIA BREEZE 322 00:33:15,595 --> 00:33:19,366 TAKE HER OUT TO EAT STOP AT A LIL' PARTY END UP AT THE BIG HOUSE * 323 00:33:19,366 --> 00:33:25,905 * I CAN'T MESS WITH SHAWTY 'CAUSE SHE GOT A BIG MOUTH PULL UP IN A 'RARRI 324 00:33:25,905 --> 00:33:28,074 HOP OUT LIKE A BIG DAWG * * GET MYSELF TOGETHER FEEL LIKE I DONE 325 00:33:28,074 --> 00:33:30,810 TOOK TWO YEARS OFF * * BOOKIN' UP MY SCHEDULE I AIN'T RICH ENOUGH 326 00:33:30,810 --> 00:33:33,480 TO CHILL OUT * * I WATCHED YOU TURN SOUR I STILL DON'T KNOW 327 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,750 HOW TO FEEL 'BOUT IT * * MAJORITY OF 'EM FOLDED BUT I'M STILL SOLID * 328 00:33:36,750 --> 00:33:39,085 * I'M STILL OUT HERE STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT * 329 00:33:39,085 --> 00:33:41,755 * EARLY IN THE MORNIN' TALKIN' TO MARQUIS ABOUT IT WONDERIN' SHOULD WE LET IT GO 330 00:33:41,755 --> 00:33:45,925 OR WE BEEFIN' 'BOUT IT * * KNOWIN' THAT I'LL GO COLD ON YOU FOR WEEKS ABOUT IT * 331 00:33:45,925 --> 00:33:47,560 * AND IT WASN'T EVEN THAT DEEP BUT THAT'S JUST 332 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,263 HOW IT BE WITH ME * * I CAN'T LIE YOU BE DOIN' ME GOOD 333 00:33:50,263 --> 00:33:53,466 BUT GIRL SHE DOIN' ME BETTER * * I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT YOU STEREOTYPE ME 334 00:33:53,466 --> 00:33:56,770 TO BE A LIL' GUY * * BUT IF I CAN HAVE A SECOND OF YO' TIME 335 00:33:56,770 --> 00:33:59,472 TRY TO ELEVATE YO' MIND * * WE CAN CRUSH 'EM ON EVERY LEVEL 336 00:33:59,472 --> 00:34:02,709 I'M TELLIN' YOU * * I FELL IN LOVE WITH GENERATIN' REVENUE * 337 00:34:02,709 --> 00:34:05,378 * I KNOW THEY GON' TRY TO PUSH YOU FROM THE TOP SO I'M CAREFUL * 338 00:34:05,378 --> 00:34:08,081 * I PUT HITTAS UNDER MY WING LIKE THEY MY NEPHEW * * I'MA GIVE YOU 339 00:34:08,081 --> 00:34:10,750 EVERY PIECE OF GAME I GOT WHEN I CATCH YOU * * I'M JUST TRYNA 340 00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:14,487 LET YOU FEEL THE BREEZE WITH ME* * CALIFORNIA BREEZE 341 00:34:14,487 --> 00:34:18,792 TAKE HER OUT TO EAT STOP AT A LIL' PARTY END UP AT THE BIG HOUSE * 342 00:34:18,792 --> 00:34:23,630 * I CAN'T MESS WITH SHAWTY 'CAUSE SHE GOT A BIG MOUTH PULL UP IN A 'RARRI 343 00:34:23,630 --> 00:34:26,299 HOP OUT LIKE A BIG DAWG * * GET MYSELF TOGETHER FEEL LIKE I DONE 344 00:34:26,299 --> 00:34:29,536 TOOK TWO YEARS OFF * * BOOKIN' UP MY SCHEDULE I AIN'T RICH ENOUGH 345 00:34:29,536 --> 00:34:32,739 TO CHILL OUT * * I WATCHED YOU TURN SOUR I STILL DON'T KNOW 346 00:34:32,739 --> 00:34:36,509 HOW TO FEEL 'BOUT IT * * MAJORITY OF 'EM FOLDED BUT I'M STILL SOLID * 347 00:34:36,509 --> 00:34:40,780 * NO NO NO NO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GONE WHERE I'M GON' GO * 348 00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:45,085 * TRYNA HOLD IT IN I CAN'T LET THIS STUFF SHOW IT CAN'T BE FORCED 349 00:34:45,085 --> 00:34:50,924 IT DON'T WORK LET IT GO * * I TRY TO TELL YOU YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW 350 00:34:50,924 --> 00:35:03,603 ACT LIKE YOU KNOW MM-MM MM-MM * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 351 00:35:16,049 --> 00:35:26,059 COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 352 00:35:26,059 --> 00:35:31,931 WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. 353 00:35:31,931 --> 00:35:38,138 MAYBE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL REINSTATE FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S ACCOUNT, BUT THIS 354 00:35:38,138 --> 00:35:42,676 TIME THEY'LL PUT GUARDRAILS IN PLACE TO KEEP HIM UNDER CONTROL, WHICH I THINK IS THE SAME THING 355 00:35:42,676 --> 00:35:48,782 THEY SAID EVERY TIME THEY TRY TODAY REOPEN JURASSIC PARK. ALSO, WHAT EVEN ARE GUARDRAILS 356 00:35:48,782 --> 00:35:55,722 ON FACEBOOK, AND CAN THEY APPLY TO MY UNCLE? BECAUSE HE'S POSTED SOME VERY 357 00:35:55,722 --> 00:36:01,261 DISTURBING FAN FICTION ABOUT THE GREEN M&M. REPRESENTATIVES FOR BILL 358 00:36:01,261 --> 00:36:08,668 CLINTON, GEORGE W. BUSH AND BARACK OBAMA SAID THEY ALL TURNED OVER CLASSIFIED RECORDS 359 00:36:08,668 --> 00:36:15,041 BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE WHILE JIMMY CARTER RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, COME GET THEM, 360 00:36:15,041 --> 00:36:20,580 YOU BASTARDS. A LAWYER FOR MIKE PENCE SAYS AFTER THEY DISCOVERED CLASSIFIED 361 00:36:20,580 --> 00:36:25,752 DOCUMENTS IN HIS HOME, PENCE STANDS READY AND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE. 362 00:36:25,752 --> 00:36:30,857 INCIDENTALLY, I STAND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE IS ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS BEFORE SEX. 363 00:36:30,857 --> 00:36:38,732 DURING THE SENATE HEARINGS INVESTIGATING LIVE NATION AND THE MONOPOLY ON CONCERT TICKET 364 00:36:38,732 --> 00:36:43,370 SALES, FANS OF TAYLOR SWIFT PROTESTED OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL. AND ONLY TWO YEARS AFTER THEIR 365 00:36:43,370 --> 00:36:55,181 DADS WERE THERE. [ LAUGHTER ] SENATOR RICK SCOTT SEEN HERE 366 00:36:55,181 --> 00:37:00,387 LEARNING THAT HARRY POTTER HAS FALLEN INTO HIS TRAP, ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS RUNNING FOR 367 00:37:00,387 --> 00:37:04,491 RE-ELECTION PROMISING TO FINISH THE BORDER WALL AND NAME IT AFTER DONALD TRUMP. 368 00:37:04,491 --> 00:37:14,501 EVEN THOUGH MOST THINGS NAMED AFTER DONALD TRUMP ARE COMPLETE FAILURES. 369 00:37:14,501 --> 00:37:20,740 GEORGE SANTOS ADMITTED THAT WHILE LIVING IN BRAZIL, HE DID DRESS IN DRAG, BUT SAID HE WAS 370 00:37:20,740 --> 00:37:23,710 NOT A DRAG QUEEN. OKAY, HONEY. WE KNEW THAT FROM YOUR 371 00:37:23,710 --> 00:37:34,120 CONTOURING. RONNA McDANIEL WAS RE-ELECTED AS CHAIR OF THE REPUBLICAN 372 00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:42,328 NATIONAL COMMITTEE IN A CLOSER THAN EXPECTED VOTE OVER CHALLENGERS HARMEET DHILLON, 373 00:37:42,328 --> 00:37:54,474 MIKE LYNN DELL, TWITTER USER CAT TURD 2 AND OF COURSE COLIN JOST. THAT ELECTION WAS RIGGED. 374 00:37:54,474 --> 00:37:59,746 GOOGLE ANNOUNCED IT IS CUTTING 12,000 JOBS WHILE YAHOO ANNOUNCED IT IS NOW RUN BY A 375 00:37:59,746 --> 00:38:07,487 FAMILY OF RACCOONS. POPE FRANCIS CRITICIZED LAWS BANNING HOMO SEXUALITY AS UNJUST 376 00:38:07,487 --> 00:38:14,627 SAYING IT'S NOT A CRIME EVEN THOUGH CATHOLIC DOCTRINE VIEWS IT AS A SIN. 377 00:38:14,627 --> 00:38:23,036 THEY ALSO SAID THEY VIEW AGE AS NOTHING BUT A NUMBER. DISNEY WORLD IS CLOSING 378 00:38:23,036 --> 00:38:31,144 SPLASH MOUNTAIN TO TURN IT INTO TIANA'S BAYOU ADVENTURE AFTER CLAIMS THE THEME SONG WAS 379 00:38:31,144 --> 00:38:35,949 RACIST. WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED 380 00:38:35,949 --> 00:38:38,184 WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED DWARF TO MINE BLOOD DIAMONDS? 381 00:38:42,355 --> 00:38:48,061 2023. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS THE NEW DOORMAN TO MY BUILDING, CARL. 382 00:38:48,061 --> 00:38:51,898 HEY! WHAT'S UP, MR. CHE? HOW YOU DOING, MAN? 383 00:38:51,898 --> 00:38:56,736 JUST A LITTLE REMINDER. I NOTED YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME AN END OF THE YEAR TIP YET. 384 00:38:56,736 --> 00:39:01,274 YOU JUST STARTED. OH. WELL, MAYBE SOON THEN. 385 00:39:01,274 --> 00:39:07,113 YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT? WHEN THINGS GOT WILD? I TALKED TO THE POLICE FOR YOU. 386 00:39:07,113 --> 00:39:09,683 I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. I KNOW, RIGHT? YEAH. 387 00:39:09,683 --> 00:39:17,090 HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE CRAZY NIGHTS WHEN MR. MICHAEL CHE IS YOUR TENANT. 388 00:39:17,090 --> 00:39:22,762 JUST REMEMBER WHICH NIGHT IS WILD AND WHICH NIGHT IS JUST REGULAR. 389 00:39:22,762 --> 00:39:25,131 WE LIVING THAT LIFE, CHE. WE? OH, YEAH, MAN. 390 00:39:25,131 --> 00:39:32,372 WE DOING THE DAMN THING. MY DOG. SO WHAT'S THIS? 391 00:39:32,372 --> 00:39:36,743 WHAT YOU DOING HERE, MAN? THIS IS SNL, MAN. IT'S MY JOB. 392 00:39:36,743 --> 00:39:40,947 OH. OH, OKAY. OH, SO YOU JUST OUT HERE MAKING 393 00:39:40,947 --> 00:39:51,591 THE BIG BUCKS IN A HALF SUIT AND JEANS. CHE, CHE. 394 00:39:51,591 --> 00:39:56,463 WHAT, MAN. YOU KNOW THAT LADY CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU AGAIN, 395 00:39:56,463 --> 00:39:58,064 MAN. WHO? YOU KNOW THAT ONE. 396 00:39:58,064 --> 00:40:01,067 THE LADY. SHE'S LIKE REAL SMART. ALL RIGHT. 397 00:40:01,067 --> 00:40:05,138 ALWAYS MAD. SHE CAME INTO THE BUILDING AGAIN ASKING ABOUT YOU, MAN. 398 00:40:05,138 --> 00:40:12,645 DON'T WORRY. I TOLD HER YOU MOVED TO JAMAICA. I DID GOOD, RIGHT? 399 00:40:12,645 --> 00:40:16,116 WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I'M ABSOLUTELY HERE IN NEW YORK LIVE ON TV RIGHT NOW. 400 00:40:16,116 --> 00:40:20,820 SHE AIN'T WATCHING. WELL, THANK YOU, CARL. HEY, CHE. 401 00:40:20,820 --> 00:40:26,226 CHE. YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE KID CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT? 402 00:40:26,226 --> 00:40:32,499 HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, TELL CHE MY MAMA SAID HE GOT TO TAKE ME TO THE ZOO. 403 00:40:32,499 --> 00:40:37,504 HE SAID HIS NAME WAS DEMICHAEL OR SOMETHING. THAT'S NOT MY KID. 404 00:40:37,504 --> 00:40:44,511 THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THAT LITTLE DUMMY. 405 00:40:44,511 --> 00:40:48,181 TEAMWORK MAKE THE DREAM WORK. THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY, MAN. 406 00:40:48,181 --> 00:40:52,452 HEY, CHE. YOU KNOW THAT DOG CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT? 407 00:40:52,452 --> 00:40:58,191 HE GOT THAT BARK LIKE, RRR, CHE, CHE, CHE. I SWEAR THAT'S WHAT HE BE 408 00:40:58,191 --> 00:41:01,094 SAYING, MAN. I UNDERSTOOD THE DOG TALK THOUGH. 409 00:41:01,094 --> 00:41:05,598 HEY, MAN, WHO IS CORNELIUS? I DON'T KNOW. YOU SURE? 410 00:41:05,598 --> 00:41:13,139 BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT AT 8:00, THIS MAN SHOWS UP AND LEAVES ONE SHOE ON MY DESK AND SAYS, TELL 411 00:41:13,139 --> 00:41:18,812 MICHAEL CHE THIS IS FROM CORNELIUS. AND IF HE WANTS THE OTHER SHOE, 412 00:41:18,812 --> 00:41:24,184 TELL HIM TO MEET ME UNDER THE BRIDGE. NEW YORK IS WILD, MAN. 413 00:41:24,184 --> 00:41:31,391 OKAY. NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE TO GO. I MEAN, WHO'S WATCHING THE 414 00:41:31,391 --> 00:41:33,126 BUILDING RIGHT NOW? DON'T WORRY. I PUT A SIGN UP SAYING, YOU 415 00:41:33,126 --> 00:41:39,199 LOOKING FOR MICHAEL CHE, JUST CALL 917 -- DON'T GIVE THEM MY PHONE 416 00:41:39,199 --> 00:41:42,102 NUMBER. WHY NOT? THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES. 417 00:41:42,102 --> 00:41:46,973 IT IS? WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M A DOORMAN AND YOU HERE MAKING 418 00:41:46,973 --> 00:41:55,949 CRAZY MONEY USING THAT DESK TO HIDE YOUR DIRTY JEANS. CARL MY 419 00:41:58,318 --> 00:42:03,957 THE DALLAS ZOO HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THE DISAPPEARANCE OF SEVERAL ANIMALS INCLUDING A 420 00:42:03,957 --> 00:42:10,930 LEOPARD, MONKEYS AND A VULTURE. IN AN UNRELATED STORY, CHECK OUT MY AMAZING COAT. 421 00:42:10,930 --> 00:42:15,802 OFFICIALS AT TIKTOK ARE TRYING TO STOP EFFORTS IN CONGRESS TO BAN THE APP BY 422 00:42:15,802 --> 00:42:21,675 LAUNCHING A CAMPAIGN CALLED PROJECT TEXAS BECAUSE TIKTOK IS THEIR BABY AND THEY KNOW TEXAS 423 00:42:21,675 --> 00:42:31,885 WON'T LET THEM GET RID OF IT. A NEW AI CHAT BOX HAS CREATED CON TO TRO VER SI AFTER IT 424 00:42:31,885 --> 00:42:42,228 ALLOWED USERS TO TALK WITH JESUS AND HITLER, AND ONE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S BOTH. 425 00:42:42,228 --> 00:42:47,334 JUST NEWS, GUYS. A 23-YEAR-OLD CHIHUAHUA IN OHIO NAMED SPIKE HAS BEEN 426 00:42:47,334 --> 00:42:53,173 OFFICIALLY NAMED THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING DOG. THE SECRET TO SPIKE'S LONG LIFE, 427 00:42:53,173 --> 00:43:03,783 A LOT OF CHIHUAHUAS LOOK THE SAME. CHIPOTLE HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO 428 00:43:03,783 --> 00:43:10,323 HIRE 15,000 PEOPLE TO PREPARE FOR ITS BUSIEST TIME OF YEAR, WHICH THEY ARE CALLING BURRITO 429 00:43:10,323 --> 00:43:16,796 SEASON, AND TOILETS ARE CALLING THE APOCALYPSE. RESEARCHERS IN ANTARCTICA 430 00:43:16,796 --> 00:43:23,136 HAVE DISCOVERED A 17-POUND MEET RITE. SADLY, IT WAS ON TOP OF THE LAST 431 00:43:23,136 --> 00:43:31,578 POLAR BEAR. A MATTRESS REVIEW SITE IS PAYING PEOPLE TO TEST THE THEORY 432 00:43:31,578 --> 00:43:35,315 THAT EATING CHEESE BEFORE BED WILL GIVE F GIVE A PERSON NIGHTMARES. 433 00:43:35,315 --> 00:43:42,422 BUT IF YOU'RE IN BED EATING CHEESE UNTIL YOU PASS OUT, YOUR LIFE IS ALREADY A NIGHTMARE. 434 00:43:43,323 --> 00:43:48,294 THIS WEEK, WENDY'S ANNOUNCED THEY WOULD BE BRINGING BACK THEIR VANILLA FROSTY AFTER A 435 00:43:48,294 --> 00:43:53,833 BRIEF HIATUS IN 2022. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER GOOD NEWS REPORT IS EVERY 436 00:43:53,833 --> 00:44:00,140 BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND FROM EVERY BOXING MOVIE ABOUT BOXING EVER. HI, HI, HI. 437 00:44:00,140 --> 00:44:04,944 HOW YOU DOING? HOW ARE YOU, ANGEL? I'VE BEEN BETTER. 438 00:44:04,944 --> 00:44:09,482 DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND TOMMY HAVE A FIGHT TONIGHT? HE BETTER NOT BECAUSE THE 439 00:44:09,482 --> 00:44:14,821 LAST GUY HIT TOMMY SO HARD, THERE'S NO MORE CLAMS IN HIS CHOWDER. 440 00:44:14,821 --> 00:44:22,295 I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, IF HE FIGHTS AGAIN, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. 441 00:44:22,295 --> 00:44:30,970 GOT IT. IN GOOD NEWS, THE VANILLA FROSTY IS MAKING A COME BACK. 442 00:44:30,970 --> 00:44:39,145 AWW. YOU THINK VANILLA HAS A SHOT GOING UP AGAINST CHOCOLATE, 443 00:44:39,145 --> 00:44:46,286 YOU'RE SICK. IF I SEE IT UP ON THE MENU, I'M TAKING MY KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. 444 00:44:46,286 --> 00:44:49,389 ALL OF THEM. YOU DOING OKAY, ANGEL? BARELY. 445 00:44:49,389 --> 00:44:53,259 I'M DOING A LOT BETTER THAN TOMMY. CREED RUINED HIM, CHE. 446 00:44:53,259 --> 00:44:59,299 WAIT, TOMMY FOUGHT ADONIS CREED? CREED HIT TOMMY SO HARD, HIS 447 00:44:59,299 --> 00:45:04,037 EYES FLEW OUT. LANDED IN PEPPER'S LAP. THE ONE NIGHT I FORGOT TO TAKE 448 00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:08,041 THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. JESUS. SO WHERE IS HE? 449 00:45:08,041 --> 00:45:12,145 I KNOW CREED'S HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING THE FIGHT ALL WEEK. 450 00:45:12,145 --> 00:45:17,851 CREED VERSUS LIL BABY LIVE ON PEACOCK. ANGEL, THERE'S NO FIGHT 451 00:45:17,851 --> 00:45:21,154 TONIGHT. OH, YEAH? YEAH. 452 00:45:21,154 --> 00:45:29,562 THEN WHAT'S ALL THIS? CAMERAS, COLDOUT CROWD. I'M LOOKING AT JAMIE FOX AND 453 00:45:29,562 --> 00:45:36,703 GINA GERSHAUN SITTING FRONT ROW NEXT TO COCAINE BEAR. THAT'S JUST A BLACK GUY 454 00:45:36,703 --> 00:45:40,073 SITTING NEXT TO A WHITE WOMAN IN A BIG COAT. I DON'T CARE. 455 00:45:40,073 --> 00:45:47,180 I WANT CREED! ANGEL! ADONIS CREED. 456 00:45:47,180 --> 00:45:53,086 YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE REASON MY KIDS' DAD WATCHES FOR SESAME STREET THAN THEY DO? 457 00:45:53,086 --> 00:45:57,090 YOU EVER THINK ABOUT US, ANGEL. DON'T. 458 00:45:57,090 --> 00:46:07,567 REMEMBER? BEFORE TOMMY, THERE WAS CREEDY. YOU REMEMBER LIL NICKY? 459 00:46:07,567 --> 00:46:13,373 HE'S YOURS, CREED. WHAT? TOMMY NEVER ASKED WHY ONE OF HIS 460 00:46:13,373 --> 00:46:17,243 KIDS WAS BLACK? TOMMY DON'T SEE COLOR. THAT'S NICE. 461 00:46:17,243 --> 00:46:25,952 NO. HE DON'T SEE ANY COLORS, NUMBERS, OR SHAPES. 462 00:46:25,952 --> 00:46:33,259 HIS POTATO IS BAKED, CREEDY. LOOK AT ME. YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME 463 00:46:33,259 --> 00:46:37,397 TONIGHT. BUT WHAABOUT TOMMY? WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? 464 00:46:37,397 --> 00:46:42,769 LISTEN, FROM NOW ON, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO YOUR SISTER'S. 465 00:46:42,769 --> 00:46:49,576 SISTER'S. EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND AND ADONIS CREED, EVERYBODY. 466 00:47:01,588 --> 00:47:06,726 PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. NOW ROAR LIKE A LION. ROAR! 467 00:47:06,726 --> 00:47:10,897 LOUDER. RAWR! WOW, GIVE IT UP FOR RON, 468 00:47:10,897 --> 00:47:13,099 EVERYBODY. YES, I HAVE CHILLS. SEE. 469 00:47:13,099 --> 00:47:16,236 THAT'S WHAT MALE CHARISMA TRAINING IS ALL ABOUT, CONFIDENCE. 470 00:47:16,236 --> 00:47:24,944 YOU SEE, I USED TO BE A LOT LIKE YOU GUYS, AWKWARD, HATED MY BODY, WALKED AROUND LIKE THIS, 471 00:47:24,944 --> 00:47:30,216 BLAH! BUT THEN, I DEVELOPED MY SOCIAL MASTERY PROGRAM. 472 00:47:30,216 --> 00:47:38,925 NOW I STAND LIKE AN ALPHA. I'VE GOT THE SCARF. YOU'VE TAKEN BY CLASS BEFORE, 473 00:47:38,925 --> 00:47:42,862 YES? THREE TIMES, YES. AND I HAVE AN UPDATE. 474 00:47:42,862 --> 00:47:46,232 I GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW. HELL YES. WHAT WAS YOUR APPROACH? 475 00:47:46,232 --> 00:47:54,774 WELL, SHE'S NOT A GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S ACTUALLY LIKE A BARISTA. BUT, HEY, YOU INTRODUCED 476 00:47:54,774 --> 00:47:57,844 YOURSELF, RIGHT? NO, SIR. SO YOU SAW A GIRL AT A COFFEE 477 00:47:57,844 --> 00:48:01,548 SHOP. ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HIM. THAT'S NOT NOTHING, FOLKS. 478 00:48:01,548 --> 00:48:07,053 THAT'S NOT NOTHING. YES, A QUESTION IN THE BACK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS WATER 479 00:48:07,053 --> 00:48:11,091 DELIVERY? I DON'T KNOW, DUDE. DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK FOR THE 480 00:48:11,091 --> 00:48:14,027 HOTEL? OH, OKAY. MY APOLOGIES. 481 00:48:14,027 --> 00:48:18,164 YOU, QUESTION. YEAH. I'M PRETTY LONELY. 482 00:48:18,164 --> 00:48:21,735 I HAVE A JOB. I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. 483 00:48:21,735 --> 00:48:26,539 I JUST GET NERVOUS THAT WOMEN ARE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF ME IF I APPROACH THEM. 484 00:48:26,539 --> 00:48:37,617 UH-HUH, UH-HUH. AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK? I CRITIQUE FEMALE STANDUPS ON 485 00:48:37,617 --> 00:48:40,086 YOUTUBE. SURE. AFTER ONE SESSION HERE, NOTHING 486 00:48:40,086 --> 00:48:44,391 WILL RATTLE YOU. ANYBODY OUT THERE, SAY THE MEANEST THING YOU CAN THINK 487 00:48:44,391 --> 00:48:50,830 ABOUT ME. ANYBODY. FOREHEAD. 488 00:48:50,830 --> 00:48:57,470 SORRY. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? FOREHEAD. 489 00:48:57,470 --> 00:49:01,841 OKAY. SURE. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE 490 00:49:01,841 --> 00:49:08,181 HAVE A WEIRD FOREHEAD. JUST KEEP TALKING, GOOFY. I'M NOT GOOFY. 491 00:49:08,181 --> 00:49:14,020 I'M ACTUALLY REGULAR. LISTEN, WHEN YOU APPROACH A LADY, WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS 492 00:49:14,020 --> 00:49:17,757 TAKE AN ALPHA BODY STANCE. BROAD SHOULDERS. BROAD FOREHEAD. 493 00:49:17,757 --> 00:49:22,562 SIR, I'M FINE IF YOU STAY, JUST DON'T DISRUPT ME, PLEASE. NO. 494 00:49:22,562 --> 00:49:25,031 I MIGHT. I MIGHT. OH, OKAY. 495 00:49:25,031 --> 00:49:30,470 LOOK. NO MATTER WHAT A LADY THROWS AT YOU, AND THEY CAN SAY SOME 496 00:49:30,470 --> 00:49:34,507 PRETTY RANDOM STUFF, JUST ROLL WITH IT. I NEED A VOLUNTEER. 497 00:49:34,507 --> 00:49:40,046 I THINK YOU STOOD UP FIRST, SIR. IF YOU'RE COOL WITH IT. YOU DON'T MIND IF I DO THIS, 498 00:49:40,046 --> 00:49:43,416 RIGHT? YEAH. YEAH. 499 00:49:43,416 --> 00:49:48,088 SEE, DEXTER'S LAB IS COOL WITH YOU. GO AHEAD, GOOFY. 500 00:49:48,088 --> 00:49:52,225 NOT GOOFY. I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I CALL A BASIC OPENING. 501 00:49:52,225 --> 00:49:55,695 HEY, GODDESS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? YOU A BITCH. 502 00:49:55,695 --> 00:49:59,799 HEY. HEY. JUST DO THE EXERCISE. 503 00:49:59,799 --> 00:50:03,970 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? FOREHEAD JACKSON. IT'S NOT. 504 00:50:03,970 --> 00:50:06,439 PLEASE SIT DOWN. I'M GOOD HERE. THAT'S FINE. 505 00:50:06,439 --> 00:50:10,944 ANY FINAL QUESTIONS? YEAH. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY 506 00:50:10,944 --> 00:50:15,882 TIPS ON COPING WITH HAVING A BIG OLD FOREHEAD. I DON'T HAVE A BIG OLD 507 00:50:15,882 --> 00:50:19,052 FOREHEAD, OKAY? I'M NOT LIKE YOU, DUDE. I'M COOL. 508 00:50:19,052 --> 00:50:23,990 I GOT THE SCARF, THE RINGS. YOU KNOW I'M IN CHARGE LIKE IMMEDIATELY. 509 00:50:23,990 --> 00:50:27,761 YOU GOT A JIMMY NEUTRON HEAD, BRO. HE KIND OF DOES. 510 00:50:27,761 --> 00:50:32,332 NO. NO, MY HEAD IS REGULAR. NOT JIMMY NEUTRON. 511 00:50:32,332 --> 00:50:38,905 IT'S LIKE IF JIMMY NEUTRON DID STREET MAGIC, THAT'S YOU. NO, IT'S NOT. 512 00:50:38,905 --> 00:50:41,441 DAMN IT. Y'ALL WANT TO GO GET A BURGER? 513 00:50:41,441 --> 00:50:45,545 I FEEL LIKE I CAN TEACH YOU SOME THINGS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? 514 00:50:45,545 --> 00:50:49,716 THINGS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? I WANT TO COME TOO. 515 00:51:00,493 --> 00:51:05,699 AFTER ALL THIS WEDDING PLANNING, I NEEDED THIS PALM SPRINGS TRIP, OKAY? 516 00:51:05,699 --> 00:51:12,238 WELL, YOUR BACHELORETTE WEEKEND AIN'T OVER YET, HONEY. OH, MY GOSH. 517 00:51:12,238 --> 00:51:15,442 DON'T TELL ME. DON'T TELL ME. IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOT IN 518 00:51:15,442 --> 00:51:22,482 HERE. AHH! HELLO, LADIES. 519 00:51:22,482 --> 00:51:29,189 MY NAME IS VINCE, AND I JUST GOT WORD THAT Y'ALL'S BUILDING IS OUT OF CODE, AND THAT MAKES ME 520 00:51:29,189 --> 00:51:36,896 HORNY. YOU GUYS ARE SO BAD. THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 521 00:51:36,896 --> 00:51:45,705 I'M ABOUT TO INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO MY FRIENDS, POP AND LOCK. YEA! 522 00:51:45,705 --> 00:51:52,512 IT'S SO HOT. YOU'RE WELCOME. I SAW HIM ON THE WEBSITE, AND I 523 00:51:52,512 --> 00:51:58,985 WAS IMMEDIATELY ROCK HARD. OKAY, MR. POP AND LOCK. OH, MY GOD! 524 00:51:58,985 --> 00:52:04,391 THIS IS CRAZY! HOW RED IS MY FACE RIGHT NOW? WE ALL GOING TO BLUSH 525 00:52:04,391 --> 00:52:09,295 TONIGHT, GIRLS. WE ALL GOING TO BLUSH. YOUR TURN, BRIDE TO BE. 526 00:52:09,295 --> 00:52:15,969 UH-OH, DO WE HAVE ANOTHER FIRE FIGHTER. NOT THAT WE PAID FOR. 527 00:52:15,969 --> 00:52:23,476 HEY. I'M SORRY TO BUG Y'ALL. VINCE, BABE, MY PHONE DIED. 528 00:52:23,476 --> 00:52:31,918 WHO IS THAT? OH, MY BAD. THIS IS MY WIFE, JANINANEEN. 529 00:52:31,918 --> 00:52:37,957 HEY. OH, I HATE TO ASK. CAN I CHARGE MY GALAXY FOR 530 00:52:37,957 --> 00:52:42,095 LITERALLY TWO MINUTES? SURE, I GUESS. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 531 00:52:42,095 --> 00:52:48,268 MY MOM GOT GLUTE SURGERY TODAY, AND WE'RE PRAYING SHE'S OKAY. WOW, THE HOSPITALITY IN HERE 532 00:52:48,268 --> 00:52:53,773 IS BIBLICAL. THANK YOU, QUEENS. YOU ALL RIGHT, BABE? 533 00:52:53,773 --> 00:52:58,511 I'M CHARGING. OH, PICTURES OF MY MOM'S NEW ASS JUST CAME IN. 534 00:52:58,511 --> 00:53:01,414 SHE MADE IT. GOD IS GOOD. OKAY. 535 00:53:01,414 --> 00:53:04,751 NOW WATCH MY KING STRIP. HIT IT. WHERE WAS I? 536 00:53:04,751 --> 00:53:09,823 OH, YEAH. I WAS INTRODUCING Y'ALL TO MY FRIENDS, POP AND LOCK. 537 00:53:09,823 --> 00:53:14,194 OH, YEAH. THERE HE IS. WOW. 538 00:53:14,194 --> 00:53:18,598 SIT ON THEM, VINCE. SIT ON THEM. YES. 539 00:53:18,598 --> 00:53:24,471 HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. OH, OKAY. 540 00:53:24,471 --> 00:53:28,074 OKAY. HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. OKAY. 541 00:53:28,074 --> 00:53:31,277 YOU KNOW, I'M SO SORRY. I CAN'T, YOU GUYS. I CAN'T. 542 00:53:31,277 --> 00:53:35,949 YEAH. YOU KNOW, I THINK I WAS ENVISIONING JUST LIKE ONE DANCER 543 00:53:35,949 --> 00:53:40,186 AND NOT LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN WITH A REALLY LONG PHONE CHARGER. 544 00:53:40,186 --> 00:53:45,091 OH, GIRL, DON'T HOLD BACK BECAUSE OF ME. YOU CAN TOUCH HIM. 545 00:53:45,091 --> 00:53:46,993 YOU CAN KISS HIM. I PROMISE YOU. I DON'T MIND, AND SHE DON'T 546 00:53:46,993 --> 00:53:53,733 MIND. SEE, SEE. I LOVE THAT ABOUT US. 547 00:53:53,733 --> 00:53:57,937 100% TRUST. OH, I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD YOU FIND THAT IN YOUR WEDDING. 548 00:53:57,937 --> 00:54:00,073 I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD. OKAY. THANK YOU. 549 00:54:00,073 --> 00:54:03,710 HIT IT. OKAY. BECAUSE THAT ONE, MY FRIENDS, 550 00:54:03,710 --> 00:54:08,515 THAT KEEPS THE RELATIONSHIP ALIVE. THAT KEEPS THE SEXUALITY ALIVE. 551 00:54:08,515 --> 00:54:13,053 OKAY. SO THIS IS GETTING JUST A LITTLE BIT WEIRD. 552 00:54:13,053 --> 00:54:18,291 GUYS, WE ALREADY PAID HIM THE 30 BUCKS. JUST LET HIM FINISH. 553 00:54:18,291 --> 00:54:24,564 30 BUCKS? MY PEANUT BUTTER COSTS 30 BUCKS. BITCH, WHERE YOU GETTING 554 00:54:24,564 --> 00:54:29,602 PEANUT BUTTER? I'M SORRY. ARE THEY PRAYING? 555 00:54:29,602 --> 00:54:35,542 I HUMBLY THANK GOD FOR THE POWER TO STRIP. AND I THANK THE LORD FOR 556 00:54:35,542 --> 00:54:40,814 THESE CHICKS LETTING ME CHARGE MY GALAXY. AMEN. 557 00:54:40,814 --> 00:54:46,953 WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS INTRODUCING Y'ALL TO MY 558 00:54:46,953 --> 00:54:51,658 TWO FRIENDS POP AND LOCK. WE ALREADY MET THEM. HEY, HOES, WHO WANTS TO RIDE 559 00:54:51,658 --> 00:54:59,165 HIS HOSE? WHOOP, WHOOP. THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT. 560 00:54:59,165 --> 00:55:02,902 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE GOING TO END UP ON THE NEWS. OKAY. 561 00:55:02,902 --> 00:55:05,438 ALL RIGHT. OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH, ENOUGH. 562 00:55:05,438 --> 00:55:07,874 WE'RE DONE. WE'RE DONE. YES. 563 00:55:07,874 --> 00:55:10,577 THIS IS NOT WHAT WE PAID FOR. OKAY? NO. 564 00:55:10,577 --> 00:55:15,115 YOU GOT MORE THAN WHAT YOU PAID FOR. THREE STRIPPERS FOR THE PRICE OF 565 00:55:15,115 --> 00:55:20,253 ONE. MA'AM, PLEASE TOP REFERRING TO YOUR FETUS AS A STRIPPER. 566 00:55:20,253 --> 00:55:26,893 OH, MY GOD. MY WATER BROKE! OH, MY GOD! 567 00:55:26,893 --> 00:55:32,298 WAIT WAB HOW PREGNANT IS SHE? JUST A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, BUT WHATEVER. 568 00:55:32,298 --> 00:55:37,070 I'M CALLING AN AMBULANCE. WE DON'T HAVE TIME. I'LL HAVE THE BABY HERE WITH MY 569 00:55:37,070 --> 00:55:39,172 GIRLS. OKAY. WE GOT THIS, GIRLS. 570 00:55:39,172 --> 00:55:41,307 WE GOT THIS. OKAY. HIT THE MUSIC. 571 00:55:41,307 --> 00:55:50,784 OH, MY GOD. * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * 572 00:55:50,784 --> 00:55:54,921 * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * HERE WE GO! 573 00:56:08,735 --> 00:56:15,842 ** * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE 574 00:56:15,842 --> 00:56:27,087 IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME 575 00:56:27,087 --> 00:56:37,364 MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OH * * HOW WE GET SO DEEP SO FAST 576 00:56:37,364 --> 00:56:40,567 BAE STOP PLAYIN' I'LL BEAT YOUR --* * YOU BE ON SOME TOXIC -- 577 00:56:40,567 --> 00:56:43,303 BUT I CANNOT GET OFF THIS * I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THREE MONTHS 578 00:56:43,303 --> 00:56:46,072 I MISS YOU CAN I SEE YOU BAE * * EVERY TIME I SEE 579 00:56:46,072 --> 00:56:49,242 ONE OF YOUR PICTURES THAT STUFF DRIVES ME CRAZY * * GIRL I KNOW YOU MISS IT 580 00:56:49,242 --> 00:56:52,479 ESPECIALLY HOW I KISS IT * * MESSAGE SAY DELIVERED WHY THE -- YOU KEEP 581 00:56:52,479 --> 00:56:55,682 GOIN' MISSING ON ME * * EVERY TIME HE GET BACK IN THE PICTURE 582 00:56:55,682 --> 00:56:58,885 YOU ACT DIFFERENT ON ME * * BUT TELL THAT BOY THAT WE GON' HAVE TO SHARE YOU 583 00:56:58,885 --> 00:57:01,054 I AIN'T TRIPPIN' ON IT* * ONE MORE TIME MIGHT BE THE BEST 584 00:57:01,054 --> 00:57:03,223 FOR BOTH OF US * * MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT LATER 585 00:57:03,223 --> 00:57:09,696 WHEN WE SOBER UP * * MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW IT DOWN 586 00:57:09,696 --> 00:57:11,531 MAYBE WE SHOULD LET IT GO * * FEEL LIKE IF IT'S MEANT IT'S WHAT IT IS 587 00:57:11,531 --> 00:57:13,500 SO I JUST LET IT FLOW * * GOT SOMETHIN' TO HANDLE SO I'MA BE HERE 588 00:57:13,500 --> 00:57:16,202 FOR A COUPLE HOURS * * FIGURED OUT YOU LIKE THEM MY ASSISTANT 589 00:57:16,202 --> 00:57:19,939 KEEP ON SENDIN' FLOWERS * * THEY GOT THEY OWN BUSINESS TELL ME WHY THEY ALWAYS 590 00:57:19,939 --> 00:57:22,075 ALL IN OURS * * MAMA RAISED A LOT OF THINGS 591 00:57:22,075 --> 00:57:24,844 BUT SHE AIN'T RAISED NOT NEAR A COWARD * * WE WENT TO THE MOON 592 00:57:24,844 --> 00:57:28,181 LAST TIME I'M TRYNA GO BACK * * WE BEEN DOIN' OUR THING 593 00:57:28,181 --> 00:57:30,817 FOR A WHILE BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT * * I BE BUYIN' YOU 594 00:57:30,817 --> 00:57:34,054 ALL TYPE OF BAGS BUT YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT * * I BE PLAYIN' THE CUT 595 00:57:34,054 --> 00:57:40,527 UNTIL YOU COME BACK * * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE 596 00:57:40,527 --> 00:57:50,904 IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME 597 00:57:50,904 --> 00:58:01,581 MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * * THINKIN' HOW WE PLAYED OUT 598 00:58:01,581 --> 00:58:04,851 REALLY I FEEL OFF ABOUT IT BUT I AIN'T NEVER SAID IT * * WE AIN'T GOTTA 599 00:58:04,851 --> 00:58:07,520 TALK ABOUT IT * * THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU 600 00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:10,190 I PLAY A DIFFERENT ROLE * * CAN'T MOVE OFF EMOTION THIS STUFF DEEP 601 00:58:10,190 --> 00:58:13,393 NOW I GOT SELF-CONTROL * * I AIN'T NEVER TRIED TO HOLD YOU 602 00:58:13,393 --> 00:58:16,629 TRY TO HIGH AND LOW YOU * * I CAN BREAK IT DOWN AND SHOW YOU 603 00:58:16,629 --> 00:58:20,367 HOW YOU OWE ME * * STILL TRY TO BACK DOOR ME I KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT IT * 604 00:58:20,367 --> 00:58:23,603 * I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT I TREAT YOU LIKE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT * 605 00:58:23,603 --> 00:58:26,806 * WILDIN' IN MIAMI WE TOOK SHROOMS AND CAUGHT A DIFFERENT VIBE * 606 00:58:26,806 --> 00:58:30,043 * WOMEN CAN'T MESS WITH YOU YOU THE ONE FOR REAL I PEEP YOUR STYLE * 607 00:58:30,043 --> 00:58:32,712 * I GOTTA GO GET IT I'M O.T. SO IT'S GON' BE A WHILE IT FEEL A LIL' BETTER 608 00:58:32,712 --> 00:58:38,618 WHEN I AIN'T SEEN YOU * * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE 609 00:58:38,618 --> 00:58:50,397 IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME 610 00:58:50,397 --> 00:59:04,778 MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * ** 611 00:59:04,778 --> 00:59:07,113 I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 612 00:59:20,727 --> 00:59:26,633 TOYOTA. AND I'M SHORTY KING JR., AND WE ARE OVERSTOCKED WITH TOYOTAS, 613 00:59:26,633 --> 00:59:34,174 SIENNAS, COROLLAS, AND HIGH LANDERS, ALL PART OF OUR KING TOYOTA'S OVERSTOCK SALE-A-THON. 614 00:59:34,174 --> 00:59:41,047 COME ON DOWN OFF HIGHWAY 8 EXIT 260 BECAUSE DEALS LIKE THIS DON'T COME OFTEN. 615 00:59:41,047 --> 00:59:48,121 GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE OFF HIGHWAY 8, EXIT 260. TAKE THE LEFT LANE. 616 00:59:48,121 --> 00:59:53,259 YOU GOT TO GET HARD IN THAT LEFT LANE BECAUSE IF YOU STAY EVEN ONE SECOND IN THE RIGHT 617 00:59:53,259 --> 00:59:58,465 LANE, YOU'LL GET STUCK IN THE OVERFLOW LINE FOR THE NEW RAISING CANES. 618 00:59:58,465 --> 01:00:03,136 THE LINE BACKS UP TO THE LIGHT ON TO THE OFF-RAMP AND INTO THE HIGHWAY. 619 01:00:03,136 --> 01:00:10,076 DO NOT STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE. HARD, HARD LEFT, Y'ALL. HARD TO THE LEFT WHEN YOU TAKE 620 01:00:10,076 --> 01:00:16,649 260 OR YOU'LL MISS KING BROTHERS TOYOTA'S OVERSTOCK SALE-A-THON. WHY ARE WE OVERSTOCKED? 621 01:00:16,649 --> 01:00:23,790 I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET HERE DUE TO THE STUPID LONG CANE'S LINE TAKING 622 01:00:23,790 --> 01:00:31,031 UP THE WHOLE DANG ROAD. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY SCREWED BY THE BRENHAM CLAIM BER OF 623 01:00:31,031 --> 01:00:45,111 COMMERCE AND DOWN COUNCILMAN HUGO GALLEGOS. HE HAS DEFILED 260. 624 01:00:45,111 --> 01:00:52,185 THESE TRENDY CHAINS ALL COME WITH THEIR OWN MASSIVE DRIVE THROUGH LINES MANAGED ONLY BY A 625 01:00:52,185 --> 01:00:58,858 HANDFUL OF iPADED TEENS. WE ARE DEEP IN THE RED, FOLKS, WHICH IS WHY CORPORATE 626 01:00:58,858 --> 01:01:05,398 HAS SENT US THE NATION'S MOST BEST AND JACKED SALESMAN, BRIAN PAT MOORE. 627 01:01:05,398 --> 01:01:16,743 THESE TWO ARE AFRAID TO GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY. CANES, YOU HAVE TWO HOURS TO GET 628 01:01:16,743 --> 01:01:23,516 YOUR LINES OPEN. I WILL REVEAL INGREDIENTS TO YOUR SECRET SAUCE. 629 01:01:23,516 --> 01:01:26,119 DON'T BELIEVE ME? CHECK THIS OUT. KETCHUP. 630 01:01:26,119 --> 01:01:34,394 WE ARE DROWNING IN TACOMAS, AND WE ARE TRAPPED HERE. WE LITERALLY CANNOT LEAVE DUE TO 631 01:01:34,394 --> 01:01:41,101 THE LONG AS HELL CANES LINES. I HAVE MISSED SO MANY FAMILY EVENTS THE THINGS LIKE NIECE'S 632 01:01:41,101 --> 01:01:47,107 KRISTENING, FIRST DAUGHTER'S RECITAL, AND EVEN LITTLE J.C. AS NATHAN DETROIT. 633 01:01:47,107 --> 01:01:53,880 I NOW SPEAK DIRECTLY TO THE COWARD HUGO GALLEGOS. YOU HAVE DEFILED THE ONCE 634 01:01:53,880 --> 01:02:01,054 BEAUTIFUL EXIT 260, AND IF THE BIG ASS CANES LINE IS ALLOWED TO STAND, KING BROTHERS TOYOTA WILL 635 01:02:01,054 --> 01:02:05,492 FALL. MY DAUGHTER HAILEY IS A CLASSICS PROFESSOR AT BRENHAM 636 01:02:05,492 --> 01:02:12,298 COMMUNITY COLLEGE, AND SHE HAS DESCRIBED OUR PLIGHT AS A FUN HOUSE MIRROR HELD UP AGAINST THE 637 01:02:12,298 --> 01:02:15,168 AMERICAN DREAM. I SAID, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BABY GIRL. 638 01:02:15,168 --> 01:02:23,943 ALL I KNOW IS I'M GETTING F'd IN THE A BY HUGO GALLEGOS. ALL THAT IS LOST BECAUSE WE 639 01:02:23,943 --> 01:02:31,551 HAVE BRIAN PATMORE. WELL, BRIAN PATMORE DON'T PLAY NO GAMES. 640 01:02:31,551 --> 01:02:39,592 NEXT INGREDIENT, PEPPER. AND THE CLOCK BEGINNING ANEW. TIKTOK, CANES, TIKTOK. 641 01:02:39,592 --> 01:02:44,931 AND THE CLOCK BEGINNING ANEW. TIKTOK, CANES, TIKTOK. COME ON DOWN BECAUSE TIME IS 642 01:03:03,750 --> 01:03:07,053 I'M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." MICHAEL, I THINK YOU'RE SO 643 01:03:07,053 --> 01:03:11,591 COOL. IT'S SCARY, BUT I'M MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 644 01:03:11,591 --> 01:03:17,364 THERE'S NO REASON TO BE NERVOUS. WHEW, NO ONE SAW ME. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? 645 01:03:17,364 --> 01:03:20,900 YEAH, I'M GOOD. ALL RIGHT. BE CAREFUL. 646 01:03:20,900 --> 01:03:26,339 I WILL. OKAY. LITTLE EMBARRASSING. 647 01:03:26,339 --> 01:03:29,676 AT LEAST IT'S JUST ANDREW DISMUKES. IT'S ALL GOOD. 648 01:03:29,676 --> 01:03:33,546 I WILL NOT FALL AGAIN. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? OH, ANDREW. 649 01:03:33,546 --> 01:03:37,083 I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE. LOOKED LIKE IT HURT. IT DIDN'T REALLY. 650 01:03:37,083 --> 01:03:43,723 LOOKED LIKE IT DID, THOUGH. YOU OKAY? YOU WANT ME TO GET THE NURSE? 651 01:03:43,723 --> 01:03:48,828 NURSE, MICHAEL B. JORDAN JUST FELL DOWN AGAIN. I SAID I WAS FINE. 652 01:03:48,828 --> 01:03:54,234 THIS ANDREW DISMUKES GUY IS GETTING IN MY HEAD. I'M MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 653 01:03:54,234 --> 01:03:58,905 I NEED TO NEVER FALL OVER EVER AGAIN. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? 654 01:03:58,905 --> 01:04:02,742 YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? TIMBER. YOU OKAY, THOUGH? 655 01:04:02,742 --> 01:04:10,884 YOU OKAY? YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? ANDREW, STOP SEEING ME FALL 656 01:04:10,884 --> 01:04:14,888 DOWN. HEY, MAN, I'M AT WORK. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE YOU 657 01:04:14,888 --> 01:04:18,458 FALL DOWN, QUIT FALLING DOWN WHERE I WORK. WHATEVER. 658 01:04:18,458 --> 01:04:21,327 JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. ALL RIGHT, BUD. JUST BE CAREFUL. 659 01:04:21,327 --> 01:04:28,468 OKAY? HEY, GUYS. ANDREW, SIT DOWN. 660 01:04:28,468 --> 01:04:34,074 YOU HAVE TO STOP SEEING MICHAEL B. JORDAN FALL DOWN. I CAN'T HELP IT. 661 01:04:34,074 --> 01:04:39,512 SOMETIMES HE FALLS, AND I SEE. ANDREW, WHEN SOMEBODY FALLS DOWN, YOU HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE 662 01:04:39,512 --> 01:04:45,285 YOU DIDN'T SEE IT. WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT. 663 01:04:45,285 --> 01:04:50,090 YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW. GUYS? 664 01:04:50,090 --> 01:04:54,227 WHAT'S GOING ON? NOTHING. AND HEY, NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A 665 01:04:54,227 --> 01:05:01,534 PROBLEM WITH ME, AT LEAST HAVE THE KAHONES TO SAY IT TO MY FACE INSTEAD OF SENDING YOUR LACKIES 666 01:05:01,534 --> 01:05:08,241 TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU. I DIDN'T TELL THEM ANYTHING EXCEPT YOU KEEP SEEING ME FALL. 667 01:05:08,241 --> 01:05:12,812 WELL GUESS WHAT, SOMETIMES YOU FALL, AND SOMETIMES I THERE. WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU 668 01:05:12,812 --> 01:05:16,616 SHOULDN'T BE AROUND ME AT ALL THEN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE AND NEVER 669 01:05:16,616 --> 01:05:18,051 COME BACK. WHATEVER, MAN. I'M DONE. 670 01:05:18,051 --> 01:05:25,058 DONE! [ CRYING ]. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I HAD 671 01:05:25,058 --> 01:05:29,629 DONE. I PUSHED AWAY MY BEST FRIEND AT THE SHOW. 672 01:05:29,629 --> 01:05:33,333 ANDREW DIS-MOE. AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH. 673 01:05:33,333 --> 01:05:38,738 MONDAY PITCH IN LAUREN'S OFFICE, TUESDAY WRITING NIGHT. WHEN ANDREW GOT CUT FROM A 674 01:05:38,738 --> 01:05:45,812 SKETCH BECAUSE HE DID A BAD JOB. JUST TO THROW IT ALL AWAY BECAUSE HE SAW ME FALL DOWN A 675 01:05:45,812 --> 01:05:49,783 LOT? THE SHOW WAS ABOUT TO START, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT HIM. 676 01:05:49,783 --> 01:05:55,255 DOES ANYONE HAVE EYES ON MICHAEL B. JORDAN? I KNEW THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY 677 01:05:55,255 --> 01:05:59,392 TO BRING HIM BACK. I'M FALLING. WHERE ARE YOU, ANDREW? 678 01:05:59,392 --> 01:06:08,268 I'M RIGHT HERE. AND WE'RE NOT FALLING. WE'RE FLYING. 679 01:06:08,268 --> 01:06:11,237 AND WE'RE NOT FALLING. WE'RE FLYING. WHOO! 680 01:06:22,148 --> 01:06:27,187 I ALSO WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY HERE. I WANT TO THANK THE TALENTED 681 01:06:27,187 --> 01:06:31,458 CAST AND CREW. EVERYBODY AT SNL. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US. 682 01:06:31,458 --> 01:06:33,660 I WANT TO THANK MY FAMILY SITTING UP HERE THAT CAME THROUGH. 683 01:06:33,660 --> 01:06:37,430 I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH. THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE. 684 01:06:37,430 --> 01:06:40,633 THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT IN THE WORLD. I CAN'T WAIT TO COME BACK. 685 01:06:40,633 --> 01:06:45,939 WHAT YOU GOT? YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING? CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN. 686 01:06:45,939 --> 01:06:52,112 YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING? CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN. **