1 00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:10,343 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING. 2 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:15,915 IT'S GOOD TO BE WITH YOU. I'M KATY TUR, AND TONIGHT, OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER. 3 00:00:15,915 --> 00:00:22,522 WE GOT THE BALLOON. THE DISCOVERY OF THE MASSIVE SURVEILLANCE BALLOON EARLIER 4 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:28,628 THIS WEEK INFLAMED ALREADY VOLATILE U.S./CHINESE RELATIONS AND HAD MANY ON THE RIGHT 5 00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:32,966 CALLING THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE SOFT, INCLUDING THIS TWEET FROM DONALD 6 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:38,672 TRUMP JR. SAYING, IF MY DAD WAS PRESIDENT, THERE WOULD BE NO BALLOON. 7 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:44,978 AND THIS ONE FROM MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN SAYING, LOOK, IT'S THE REAL MOON. 8 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:52,719 FOR MORE DETAILS, I'M HONORED TO BE JOINED TONIGHT BY PENTAGON OFFICIAL AND AVIATION EXPERT 9 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:59,426 GENERAL WILLIAM HAMILTON. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. CON KBRACH LAGSS ON YOUR 10 00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:02,262 SUCCESSFUL MISSION. THANK YOU. WE POPPED THE BALLOON. 11 00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:08,702 GENERAL, WE'VE NEVER SEEN AN OBJECT LIKE THIS GAIN ENTRY INTO OUR AIR SPACE BEFORE. 12 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:14,374 HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? THAT'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, KATY IF BALLOON WAS SOMEHOW ABLE 13 00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:21,281 TO GET PAST OUR WEST COAST ANTIBALLOON DEFENSE SYSTEM, THE SEATTLE SPACE NEEDLE. 14 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:27,220 BUT ONCE IT WAS HERE, WE WERE ABLE TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT WITH OUR SOPHISTICATED TRACKING 15 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:33,626 TECHNOLOGY OF GOING LIKE THIS. UNDERSTOOD. I KNOW THERE ARE QUESTIONS 16 00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:38,965 ABOUT WHY WE DIDN'T SHOOT IT DOWN IMMEDIATELY, BUT WE WANTED TO WAIT UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE 17 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:46,906 COAST SO THAT IT WOULDN'T FALL ON PEOPLE OR GO -- SHSHSH AND LAND ON MY CAR. 18 00:01:46,906 --> 00:01:51,644 IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS A VERY EXCITING OPERATION. CAN YOU TAKE US THROUGH IT? 19 00:01:51,644 --> 00:02:03,490 WELL, I DID BRING A 3D RENTERING OF THE ENEMY TARGET. NOW, IMAGINE THIS IS A LOT 20 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:08,828 BIGGER, BUT THEN, PRETTY FAR AWAY, IT LOOKS A LOT SMALLER TOO. 21 00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:13,166 NOW, THAT WAS GATHERING INTEL? WAS IT TAKING PICTURES? 22 00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:19,072 WE DON'T KNOW. BUT I DO KNOW IF YOU TAP IT, IT PLAYS MUSIC. 23 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:24,411 * CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON * OKAY. 24 00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:31,785 WELL, GENERAL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HEROISM AND FOR PROTECTING OUR NATION. 25 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:38,391 THANK YOU, MRS. TUR, AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY FORM OF CHINESE 26 00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:42,462 SPY. TO BE HONEST, THEY ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED FROM 27 00:02:42,462 --> 00:02:48,468 TIKTOK, SO SCROLL AWAY, KIDS. THANK YOU, GENERAL. THIS IS EXCITING. 28 00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:53,273 I'M GETTING WORDS WE HAVE LOCATED THE REMAINS OF THE BALLOON, AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE A 29 00:02:53,273 --> 00:03:01,948 LIVE FEED. LET'S SEE HOW IT LOOKS. WELL, YOU GOT ME. 30 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:07,053 CONGRATS, YOU SHOT A BALLOON. WOW. BALLOON, WELL, I'M SORRY YOU'RE 31 00:03:07,053 --> 00:03:09,856 IN THE WATER. BUT THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING TO US. 32 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:16,930 I ENTERTAIN YOU PEOPLE FOR FOUR DAYS, AND THEN GET SHOT BY BIDEN? 33 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:23,937 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M JOE'S OSAMA. NOW, I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT WERE YOU DOING FLYING OVER MONTANA? 34 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:30,977 I LOVE THE SHOW "YELLOWSTONE," SO I WAS JUST THERE. 35 00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:34,914 IT'S LIKE "SUCCESSION" BUT OUTSIDE. NOW I'M ALL WET, SO WHAT A DAY. 36 00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:40,487 WELL, I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED YOU'RE STILL FLOATING. EXPERTS WERE SAYING YOU'RE THE 37 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:44,324 SIZE OF THREE BUSES. OKAY. OUCH. 38 00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:52,999 I'M A BALLOON, SO THAT'S MY BODY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE 39 00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:59,139 MEASURED YOUR WIDTH IN BUSES? SORRY I'M NOT CAMERA READY. WHO IS THIS? 40 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:02,742 GET AWAY. I HATE THE OCEAN. I'M MORE OF AN AIR GUY. 41 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:07,814 LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT PEOPLE WERE WORRIED THEY WERE BEING SPIED ON. 42 00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:13,053 MY BIME? A BALLOON? EVERYONE IS BEING SURVEILLED 43 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:18,058 CONSTANTLY, BUT IT'S ALWAYS SHOOT THE BALLOON AND NEVER, UNPLUG ALEXA. 44 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:24,464 IF YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR DATA, WHY DO YOU ALL KEEP YOUR BANK PASS WORDS IN THE NOTES 45 00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:29,769 APP? YOU MAIL YOUR LITERAL DNA TO A COMPANY TO FIND OUT IF YOU'RE 46 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:35,942 LIKE 10% FRENCH, BUT JUST A BALLOON. NOW, THE CONCERN WAS THAT YOU 47 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:41,348 WERE TAKING SENT TIF IMAGES OF THE U.S. I WAS SO FAR AWAY. 48 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:48,555 IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR AUNT TAKES A CONCERT VIDEO ON HER iPAD, AND THEY'RE LIKE, I GUESS THAT'S 49 00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:54,160 MICHAEL BUBLE. I COULDN'T EVEN TELL WHEN I WAS LOOKING AT FROM UP THERE. 50 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:59,899 FRANKLY, I THOUGHT THE STATE LINES WOULD BE LIKE DRAWN OUT. I THOUGHT I WOULD SEE WORDS OVER 51 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:06,239 THE PLACES. WELL, WE JUST DID WHAT WE HAD TO DO TO PROTECT THE SECURITY OF 52 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:09,743 OUR COUNTRY. WHY? IS EVERYONE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE 53 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:15,582 I'M A CHINESE BALLOON. BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROM, I'M JUST A BALLOON. 54 00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:19,285 THANKS FOR SPEAKING WITH US TODAY, AND WE'RE SORRY FOR HOW EVERYTHING HAD TO GO DOWN. 55 00:05:19,285 --> 00:05:26,760 OH, KATY, DON'T DO THAT. YOU'VE MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT I'M NOT WELCOME HERE, SO GOOD 56 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,963 JOB. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THIS 57 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:33,767 CHINESE SPY BALLOON -- I MEAN, NORMAL BALLOON. WELL, WHATEVER. 58 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:39,372 YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR DATA. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 59 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,351 WITH -- 60 00:06:53,513 --> 00:07:32,385 FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST, COLDPLAY. 61 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:37,757 AND YOUR HOST, PEDRO PASCAL. 62 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:06,319 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 63 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:15,495 I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. THANK YOU. I SPENT THE LAST YEAR SHOOTING A 64 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:22,202 SHOW CALLED "THE LAST OF US" ON HBO. FOR SOME HBO SHOES, YOU GET TO 65 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:27,440 SHOOT IN A FIVE STAR ITALIAN RESORT SURROUNDED BY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, BUT I SAID, NO, THAT'S 66 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:33,146 TOO EASY. I WANT TO SHOOT IN A FREEZING CANADIAN FOREST WHILE BEING 67 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:39,052 CHASED AROUND BY A GUY WHOSE HEAD LOOKS LIKE A GENITAL WART. IT IS AN HONOR BEING A PART OF 68 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:47,494 THESE HUGE FRANCHISEs LIKE "GAME OF THRONES" AND "STAR WARS," BUT I'M STILL GETTING USED TO PEOPLE 69 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:53,500 RECOGNIZING ME. THE OTHER DAY, A GUY STOPPED ME ON THE STREET AND SAYS, MY SON 70 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:59,072 LOVES "THE MANDALORIAN" AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M FACE TIMING WITH A 6-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS 71 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:03,643 NO IDEA WHO I AM BECAUSE MY CHARACTER WEARS A MASK THE ENTIRE SHOW. 72 00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:08,848 THE GUY IS LIKE, DO THE MANDO VOICE, BUT IT'S LIKE A BEDROOM VOICE. 73 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:16,523 WITHOUT THE MASK, IT JUST SOUNDS PORNY. PEOPLE WALKING BY ON THE STREET 74 00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:20,794 SEE ME WHISPERING TO A 6-YEAR-OLD KID. I CAN BRING YOU IN WARM, OR I 75 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:33,707 CAN BRING YOU IN COLD. EVEN THOUGH I CAME TO THE U.S. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS BORN IN 76 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:39,479 CHILE, AND I HAVE 34 FIRST COUSINS WHO ARE STILL THERE. THEY'RE VERY PROUD OF ME. 77 00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:44,451 I KNOW THEY'RE PROUD BECAUSE THEY GIVE MY PHONE NUMBER TO EVERY PERSON THEY MEET, WHICH 78 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:50,357 MEANS EVERY DAY, SOMEONE IN SANTIAGO WILL TEXT ME STUFF LIKE, CAN YOU COME TO MY 79 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:58,465 WEDDING, OR CAN YOU SING MY PRIEST HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OR IS BABY YODA MEAN IN REAL LIFE. 80 00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:05,205 SO I HAVE TO BE LIKE NO, NO, AND HIS NAME IS GROGU. BUT MY COUSINS WEREN'T ALWAYS SO 81 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:09,309 PROUD. EARLY IN MY CAREER, I PLAYED SMALL PARTS IN EVERY CRIME SHOW. 82 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:19,319 I EVEN PLAYED TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS ON "LAW AND ORDER." TITO CABASSA WHO LOOKED LIKE 83 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:24,758 THIS. AND ONE YEAR LATER, I PLAYED REGGIE LUCKMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE 84 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:28,194 THIS. AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CALLED RANGE. 85 00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:35,402 BUT IT IS AMAZING TO BE HERE, LIKE I SAID. I WAS BORN IN CHILE, AND NINE 86 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:38,972 MONTHS LATER, MY PARENTS FLED AND BROUGHT ME AND MY SISTER TO THE U.S. 87 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:44,377 THEY WERE SO BRAVE, AND WITHOUT THEM, I WOULDN'T BE HERE IN THIS WONDERFUL COUNTRY, AND I 88 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:49,582 CERTAINLY WOULDN'T BE STANDING HERE WITH YOU ALL TONIGHT. SO TO ALL MY FAMILY WATCHING IN 89 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:57,991 CHILE, I WANT TO SAY [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] WHICH MEANS, I LOVE YOU, I MISS 90 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:04,397 YOU, AND STOP GIVING OUT MY PHONE NUMBER. WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR 91 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:11,304 WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. COLDPLAY IS HERE, SO STICK 92 00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:27,287 HOLLYWOOD QUIZ. HERE'S YOUR HOST, JACK DELL MAR. * LIGHTS SHINE SO BRIGHTLY, 93 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:37,097 TONIGHT WE DELIGHT IN JAMES DEAN AND GENE HARLOW * * ON THE BIG HOLLYWOOD QUIZ * 94 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:43,536 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE SHOW THAT'S ALL ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT. 95 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:50,143 LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS. FIRST, ROBERT IS A PROFESSOR OF FILM STUDIES AT TISCH SCHOOL OF 96 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:54,381 THE ARTS. GREAT TO BE HERE. FINALLY, MARY HOSTS HER OWN 97 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:58,118 SHOW ON THE HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD. WHAT KIND OF SHOW WAS IT, MARY? 98 00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:04,824 IT'S A PODCAST. OH, OKAY. WELL, OUR CATEGORIES ARE, THE 99 00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:11,131 MOVIES, THE SHOWS, THE STARS, AND HOORAY. ROBERT, YOU'RE FIRST. 100 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:15,635 THANKS, JACK, WE GOT TO START WITH MOVIES. WE GOT TO. 101 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:24,310 THIS QUESTION IS FROM THE 1950s. IN ALL ABOUT EVE, SHE SAID, FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS, IT'S 102 00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:29,582 GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE. ROBERT, YOU BUZZED IN FIRST. THE ONE AND ONLY BETTY DAVIS. 103 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:38,725 YES, THAT'S $500. THIS SHOW IS FROM THE '80s. IN 1983, THIS TV SHOW SET IN THE 104 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:45,665 KOREAN WAR HAD A FINALE WATCHED BY OVER 100 MILLION VIEWERS. MASH AND IT WAS WATCHED BY 105 00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:48,568 106 MILLION. THAT'S IT. $500 FOR YOU. 106 00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:54,641 GREAT JOB. NOW LET'S GO OVER TO THE 2020s. THIS BREAKOUT HIT IS THE CURRENT 107 00:12:54,641 --> 00:13:05,051 NUMBER ONE SHOW ON NETFLIX. IT'S GINNY AND -- ANYONE? IT'S THE MOST WATCHED SHOW ON 108 00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:10,957 THE MOST WATCHED STREAMING SERVICE IN THE WORLD. NO? 109 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,193 GINNY AND -- JUICE? NO. 110 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:19,199 IT WAS GINNY AND GEORGIA. SEASON TWO. IS THAT FROM EUROPE? 111 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:22,102 NO. IT'S TOTALLY AMERICAN. OKAY. 112 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:28,441 ROBERT, PICK A CATEGORY. LET'S GO TO HOORA WHY. THESE ARE ALL ABOUT AWARDS. 113 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:35,482 STICKING WITH THE 2020s. THIS FILM WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY SARAH POLLEY HAS BEEN 114 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,284 NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE THIS YEAR. NO ONE? 115 00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:45,392 I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. IT HAS AN ALL FEMALE CAST FEATURING OSCAR WINNER FRANCIS 116 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,894 McDORMAND. 80 FOR BRADY. NO. 117 00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:53,166 ANYONE ELSE? CAN YOU GIVE US A HINT? IT'S WOMEN TALKING. 118 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:57,404 BE MORE SPECIFIC. NO. THAT'S THE TITLE. 119 00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:03,176 WOMEN TALKING. THE WONDERFUL FILM. DO YOU ALL WATCH MUCH TV OR 120 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,379 MOVIES? I DO. AT LEAST 12 HOURS A DAY. 121 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:12,686 YIKES. HERE'S THE NEXT QUESTION. JUST LAST WEEK, ANDREA WAS 122 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:22,762 NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR FOR HER ROLE IN WHICH MOVIE? ANYONE? 123 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,798 ANDREA. THEY SAY IT WAS THE BEST PERFORMANCE OF HER CAREER. 124 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:32,706 CAREER? IT WAS TO LESLIE. THAT'S RIGHT, TO LESLIE. 125 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:38,311 IT'S GREAT. YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE IT BECAUSE SO FAR, IT'S MADE $27,300. 126 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:41,314 OKAY. THAT'S NOT A LOT FOR OPENING WEEKEND. 127 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:46,886 IT'S BEEN OUT FOR FOUR MONTHS. CAN I MAKE A REQUEST? 128 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:51,958 CAN WE DO A QUESTION WITH SOME BIG MOVIE STARS, PEOPLE WE WOULD ALL KNOW. 129 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:55,095 LIKE WHO? NICOLE KIDMAN. ABSOLUTELY. 130 00:14:55,095 --> 00:15:02,402 THIS PAST YEAR NICOLE KIDMAN STARRED IN THIS DARKLY FEMINIST DRAMA ON APPLE TV. 131 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:07,040 WEDNESDAY? NO. ANYONE? 132 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,610 NOBODY? IT WAS ROAR. THAT'S RIGHT, ROAR. 133 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:14,414 NO. YES. OKAY. 134 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:20,053 LET'S DO SAMUEL L. JACKSON. EVERYONE KNOWS HIM, RIGHT? THIS PAST YEAR, SAMUEL L. 135 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:25,091 JACKSON STARRED IN THIS CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED DRAMA ON APPLE TV. 136 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:29,562 WEDNESDAY. NO. SORRY. 137 00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:34,134 IT WAS THE LAST DAYS OF PETOLOME GRAY. COME ON. 138 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:40,540 YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I'M PETOTALLY SERIOUS. I'M SURE THOSE SHOWS ARE 139 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:45,278 GREAT, BUT WHERE DID ALL THE POPULAR MOVIES GO? THEY'RE STILL HERE. 140 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,548 YOU CAN WATCH THEM ON YOUR PHONE ON THE TOILET. OKAY. 141 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:53,153 SINCE NO ONE IS IN THE LEAD, LET'S MOVE ON TO THE SPEED ROUND. 142 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:58,758 ROBERT, YOU'RE STILL IN CONTROL. OUR ERA IS THE '80s. GREAT. 143 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:06,933 THE YEAR 1989 FEATURED MOVIES LIKE THE LITTLE MERMAID, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, BATMAN, DEAD 144 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:10,937 POETS SOCIETY, AND DO THE RIGHT THING. ROBERT, NAME THREE MOVIES FROM 145 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:16,109 THE PAST FIVE YEARS. OH, WOW. THREE? 146 00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,077 OKAY. WOW. "TOP GUN." 147 00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,845 OKAY. THAT'S ONE. GREAT. 148 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:27,687 OH, GOSH. THE HANGOVER? THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO. 149 00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:32,258 THE NIGHT. MAN. SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JUST 150 00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:35,261 SAYING WORDS. COME ON. ALL YOU NEED IS ONE. 151 00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:38,898 CAN'T YOU JUST NAME ONE MORE MOVIE? NOPE. 152 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:45,739 THAT'S RIGHT, NOPE! YOU WON THE SPEED ROUND. YEA! 153 00:16:45,739 --> 00:16:50,076 WHY? JUST TAKE THE WIN, ROBERT. WHEN WE COME BACK, THESE THREE 154 00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:57,083 WILL TRY TO GUESS WHAT JULIA ROBERTS IS DOING ON STARZ. BYE! 155 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:06,626 HBO'S THE LAST OF US IS A HIT SO A VIDEO GAME CAN BECOME A PRESTIGE DRAMA IN SPRING, HBO IS 156 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:12,465 DOING IT AGAIN WITH ANOTHER ICONIC GAME. IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS SINCE OUR 157 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:17,837 KINGDOM FELL. THE ONLY THING WE HAVE LEFT, HOPE. 158 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:24,744 I HAVE IMPORTANT CARGO I NEED SMUGGLED TO RAINBOW ROAD. PEOPLE SAY YOU USED TO DRIVE. 159 00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:39,459 PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS. YOU GOT A NAME? IT'S A-ME, MARIO. 160 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:42,962 WHAT'S IN THE CARGO? NOT WHAT. WHO. 161 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:50,837 SHE'S A PRINCESS. AT LEAST SHE WAS UNTIL HE TOOK OVER. 162 00:17:50,837 --> 00:18:03,450 WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT ON FOOT. YOU WON'T HAVE TO. LET'S A-GO. 163 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:09,656 FROM THE PRODUCERS OF THE LAST OF US AND THE MASTER STORY TELLERS BEHIND MARIO CARTS 1 164 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:14,260 THROUGH 8. WHAT'S IT LIKE OUT HERE? COMING OUT HERE ISN'T A GAME. 165 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:24,571 IF WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT, WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET. IT'S A-LUIGI TIME. 166 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:28,875 EVERYONE ON THIS ROAD WANTS US DEAD. WHAT IS THAT THING? 167 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:40,587 GOOMBA. FUNGUS, WEARING SHOES FOR LEGS. DRAMATIC HBO CHARACTERS. 168 00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:49,896 I'M YOSHI. I'M BISEXUAL. NAME'S TOAD. 169 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:56,770 ALSO, I'M BISEXUAL. HBO PICKED THE WRONG GAME TO DO THIS WITH, RAVES VARIETY. 170 00:18:56,770 --> 00:19:02,475 YEAH, THIS AIN'T IT, ADDS THE NEW YORK TIMES. YOU EAT THAT POISON? 171 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:08,314 IT MAKES ME FEEL BIG, OKAY? I NEED TO FEEL BIG! BECAUSE BOWSER'S OUT THERE. 172 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:21,494 AND HE'S THE MAIN BAD GUY. ** WE'RE OUT THERE IN OUR CARTS, 173 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:31,571 AND I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME. I'LL GET YOU TO RAINBOW ROAD. YOU CAN DO THIS! 174 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:41,948 NO. IT'S RED. WHAT IF WE CRASH? 175 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:47,487 A LITTLE GUY IN A CLOUD COMES AND USES A FISHING POLE TO PUT YOU BACK ON THE ROAD. 176 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:51,358 AND USES A FISHING POLE TO PUT YOU BACK ON THE ROAD. OH, OKAY. 177 00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:06,072 HOW LONG HAS MY HUSBAND BEEN AWAKE? SINCE THIS MORNING. 178 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:14,414 AND HEY, CALL ME DR. JIM. HE'S STILL VERY WEAK AFTER THE COMA, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE HE WANTS 179 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:17,884 TO SPEAK. OH, MY GOD. I THOUGHT I LOST MY BEST FRIEND. 180 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,488 THIS IS A MIRACLE. I KNOW. LOOK, HE'S WAKING UP! 181 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:25,091 CHARLIE, HEY, IT'S ME. WELCOME BACK. OH, MY GAH. 182 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:32,999 WHERE AM I? WHY AM I IN THE BED? I DON'T GET ANYTHING THAT'S 183 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:37,370 GOING ON RIGHT NOW. DOCTOR? IT'S VERY COMMON. 184 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:43,009 HE'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE CONFUSED AT FIRST. WHY IS EVERYBODY -- WHO IS 185 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:48,715 EVERYBODY? WHY AM I WEARING PAPER? DID YOU SAY PAPER? 186 00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:53,253 THAT'S YOUR HOSPITAL ROBE, BUDDY. YEAH, HONEY, YOU WERE IN A 187 00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:57,524 LITTLE ACCIDENT. WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME HONEY? WHO ARE YOU? 188 00:20:57,524 --> 00:21:04,330 I'M YOUR WIFE. OKAY. NOT TODAY. 189 00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:11,538 DID HE SAY NOT TODAY? I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR EIGHT YEARS. 190 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:16,743 LET'S JUST PUT A PIN IN THAT. DOCTOR? HE MAY NOT RECOGNIZE YOU 191 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:20,914 RIGHT NOW, BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT HE'S UP AND TALKING. 192 00:21:20,914 --> 00:21:24,417 YEAH. BUT HE'S TALKING WITH THIS LIKE LA MUSH MOUTH THING. 193 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:28,388 I'VE LITERALLY NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. YOU THINK I SOUND LA? 194 00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:33,560 THANK YOU. I LOVE LA. HE HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT 195 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,296 PERSONALITY. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND TEMPORARY. 196 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:42,135 THERE'S EVEN BEEN INSTANCES OF PEOPLE COMING OUT OF COMAS AND SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES THEY 197 00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:47,240 COULD NEVER BEFORE. CAN I SPEAK SPANISH? LET ME TRY. 198 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,678 SABA, SABA. SOUNDS LIKE SPANISH TO ME. NOPE. 199 00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:56,282 NOT SPANISH. IS HIS BRAIN OKAY? WE'LL FIND OUT. 200 00:21:56,282 --> 00:22:02,255 CHARLIE, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY. YOU MEASURE MY LIFE IN HOURS, AND I SERVE YOU BY EXPIRING. 201 00:22:02,255 --> 00:22:05,725 I'M QUICK WHEN I'M THIN AND SLOW WHEN I'M FAST. WHAT AM I? 202 00:22:05,725 --> 00:22:12,298 DUH, YOU'RE A CANDLE HE'S FINE. THAT'S HOW YOU TEST FOR BRAIN 203 00:22:12,298 --> 00:22:16,069 DAMAGE? HONEY, LOOK AT THIS VIDEO. THIS IS WHAT YOU NORMALLY SOUND 204 00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:18,805 LIKE. HEY, BABE. MADE IT TO ARKANSAS. 205 00:22:18,805 --> 00:22:21,941 PRETTY COOL PLACE. MISS YA. OKAY. 206 00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:26,913 HE'S THE HOTTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN. WHY DOES HE LIVE IN ARKANSAS? 207 00:22:26,913 --> 00:22:30,583 NO, CHARLIE. THAT'S YOU. YOU WERE ON A BUSINESS TRIP IN 208 00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:33,920 ARKANSAS. THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT HIT BY THAT PARTY CITY TRUCK. 209 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:38,091 THAT'S SO NICE. AND WHO ARE YOU? ANOTHER WIFE? 210 00:22:38,091 --> 00:22:42,529 NO, I'M NOT YOUR WIFE. I'M YOUR SISTER. LET'S PUT A PIN IN THAT. 211 00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:49,536 WHY DOES HE KEEP WANTS TO PUT A PIN IN THINGS? ARE YOU SURE HIS BRAIN IS OKAY? 212 00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:51,638 ? ABSOLUTELY. WATCH THIS. 213 00:22:51,638 --> 00:22:59,679 CHARLIE, IDENTIFY THESE OBJECTS, OKAY? BALL, BEE, BOAT, BABY. 214 00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:02,582 HE'S FINE. GREAT JOB, CHARLIE. OH, THANK YOU. 215 00:23:02,582 --> 00:23:08,355 PLEASE, I WANT MY OLD CHARLIE BACK. LOOK AT HIM. 216 00:23:08,355 --> 00:23:13,560 NAH. I'M WAY SKINNIER THAN HIM. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOST 50 217 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:21,101 POUNDS IN THE COMA. OH, GOOD FOR ME. DOCTOR, ARE YOU -- I JUST 218 00:23:21,101 --> 00:23:27,073 DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE THIS. OH, MY GOD. DON'T CRY. 219 00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:40,086 YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY. COME ON, HOLD MY HAND. LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, 220 00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:45,091 AND DESPITE WHAT THEY SAY, I CAN SPEAK SPANISH. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS 221 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:49,729 YOU'RE MY SOUL MATE, AND YOU AND I -- YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE FINE. 222 00:23:49,729 --> 00:23:56,469 SEE HOW HE'S SOUNDING CLEARER ALREADY? BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT, 223 00:23:56,469 --> 00:24:07,881 PEOPLE ALWAYS -- [ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE ALWAYS -- AND THAT'S THE 224 00:24:07,881 --> 00:24:13,653 TRUTH. OKAY. THAT'S SOUNDING A LITTLE -- 225 00:24:13,653 --> 00:24:23,096 WHAT DO I DO? MEET HIM WHERE HE'S AT. CHARLIE. 226 00:24:23,096 --> 00:24:34,174 REALLY? YEAH. AND -- 227 00:24:34,174 --> 00:24:44,250 NOW I'M GOING CRY, AND I LIKE NEVER CRY. BRING IT IN, YOU GUYS. 228 00:24:49,556 --> 00:24:58,231 OKAY, STUDENTS OF SAINT LAWRENCE HIGH SCHOOL, WELCOME TO YOUR ASSEMBLY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY 229 00:24:58,231 --> 00:25:02,335 USE. SETTLE DOWN, ALL RIGHT? HERE TO GIVE THE PRESENTATION, 230 00:25:02,335 --> 00:25:10,577 PLEASE WELCOME YOUR FAVORITE TEACHER, MR. BEN. MR. BEN! 231 00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:14,347 THANK YOU. I THINK. OKAY. 232 00:25:14,347 --> 00:25:23,223 LET'S START. FIRST RULE, DO NOT ACCESS IMPROPRIETY CONTENT ONLINE. 233 00:25:23,223 --> 00:25:27,060 AND DO NOT BULLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. COME ON, GIRL. 234 00:25:27,060 --> 00:25:33,400 EAT IT UP. THANK YOU. I THINK. 235 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:43,076 AND HERE'S A NEW RULE. AS OF TODAY, DO NOT MAKE FANCAMS OF SCHOOL STAFF SUCH AS THIS. 236 00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:59,626 ** NO! SKINNY LEGEND, WHY ARE YOU DOING 237 00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:03,329 THIS? BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE THOUSANDS OF FANCAMS OF ME, AND 238 00:26:03,329 --> 00:26:08,668 I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY MEAN, BUT I KNOW IT HAS TO STOP. BUT WE MAKE THEM BECAUSE 239 00:26:08,668 --> 00:26:12,572 YOU'RE OUR BELOVED, AND YOU HAVE US IN A CHOKE HOLD! OKAY. 240 00:26:12,572 --> 00:26:20,280 DON'T SAY THAT. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DO YOU MAKE SPARKLY FAST ROMANTIC 241 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:33,727 MONTAGES OF ME EVERY SINGLE DAY LIKE THIS. ** 242 00:26:33,727 --> 00:26:37,731 I MEAN, WE DON'T MAKE THEM EVERY DAY. YEAH. 243 00:26:37,731 --> 00:26:43,203 JUST ON THE DAYS YOU SEND US OR GIVE US LIFE. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 244 00:26:43,203 --> 00:26:46,706 DON'T WORRY. IT JUST MEANS YOUR FOOT IS ALWAYS ON OUR NECKS. 245 00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:55,315 SEE. ** IS THAT ME RIGHT NOW? 246 00:26:55,315 --> 00:26:59,753 HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT SO FAST, AND HOW DID YOU TAKE OVER ACCESS TO THE MONITOR? 247 00:26:59,753 --> 00:27:06,426 MR. BEN, WHY YOU SO MAD? YOU'RE IN YOUR ASSEMBLY ERA. I'M NOT MAD. 248 00:27:06,426 --> 00:27:14,334 I'M CONFUSED. IS THE WAY I ATE THIS UP A COMPLIMENT BECAUSE IT WAS NOM, 249 00:27:14,334 --> 00:27:20,040 NOM DELISH AND HAD YOU GAG? EXACTLY. WE LOVE YOU DOWN, MR. BEN. 250 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:25,645 YOU'RE SO FATHER, PERIOD. OKAY. SEE. 251 00:27:25,645 --> 00:27:31,785 BUT IF FANCAMS ARE -- IF -- OKAY. IF FANCAMS ARE BECAUSE I'M 252 00:27:31,785 --> 00:27:41,494 FATHER, THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE FANCAMS OF LADY LUNCH PAULINA? BECAUSE PAULINA IS MOTHER. 253 00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:50,970 ** KIDS ON PHONE TOO MUCH. GROW UP WRONG. 254 00:27:50,970 --> 00:27:54,941 GUYS, I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IF FANCAMS ARE GOOD OR BAD. 255 00:27:54,941 --> 00:28:01,781 DID YOU MAKE A FANCAM OF LUNCH LADY PAULINA TO MAKE FUN OF HER? NO. 256 00:28:01,781 --> 00:28:07,253 WE MADE IT BECAUSE SHE ATE US UP AND LEFT NO CRUMBS. THAT'S IT. 257 00:28:07,253 --> 00:28:10,190 FANCAMS ARE OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM SCHOOL. NO! 258 00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:16,229 WHY, MR. BEN? THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT, BUT YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 259 00:28:16,229 --> 00:28:19,699 MID. I'M SORRY. I WANT TO BE A COOL TEACHER. 260 00:28:19,699 --> 00:28:27,240 I KNOW I'M YOUR BIAS AND THAT I ALWAYS MUNCH ON IT, BUT I JUST DON'T GET IT. 261 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:31,511 WHAT'S -- WHY DOES YOUR GENERATION HAVE TO MAKE EVERYONE A CELEBRITY? 262 00:28:31,511 --> 00:28:35,448 WHY DO YOU FILM EVERYTHING? WHY? FINE. 263 00:28:35,448 --> 00:28:41,621 YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? IT'S CUZ COVID. WHAT? 264 00:28:41,621 --> 00:28:46,926 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BECAUSE THREE YEARS COVID MADE US ONLINE FOREVER. 265 00:28:46,926 --> 00:28:54,534 BECAUSE COVID LOCK US DOWN WHEN WE ARE 11, AND NOW WE ARE 14, SO NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU 266 00:28:54,534 --> 00:28:58,705 DADDY. BECAUSE MOMMY WORKS REMOTELY ALL DAY AND DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO 267 00:28:58,705 --> 00:29:04,277 EAT IT UP NO CRUMBS LEFT, SO WE MADE YOU DADDY AND MS. JENNY MOMMY. 268 00:29:04,277 --> 00:29:14,254 WHAT? WHY IS MS. JENNY MOMMY? GUYS. 269 00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:26,599 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE'VE TOLD YOU, THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND MR. BEN. 270 00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:35,108 OH, REALLY? THEN EXPLAIN THIS. ** 271 00:29:35,108 --> 00:29:41,581 HONEY, THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. LET'S JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH. 272 00:29:41,581 --> 00:29:47,954 MS. JENNY AND I, WE'RE IN LOVE. OOH! FINE, IT'S TRUE. 273 00:29:47,954 --> 00:29:56,696 HE'S DADDY, I'M MOMMY, AND WE'RE ALL A HAPPY FAMILY. NO CRUMBS LEFT. 274 00:29:56,696 --> 00:29:59,366 NO CRUMBS LEFT. YEAH! ** 275 00:30:02,702 --> 00:30:07,507 THE CORNER, AND WING PIT HAS YOUR PARTY COVERED. WINGS ARE HERE! 276 00:30:07,507 --> 00:30:12,846 WE'VE GOT GAME DAY SPECIALS THAT WILL KEEP THE WHOLE PARTY HAPPY, LIKE OUR TOUCHDOWN TRAY. 277 00:30:12,846 --> 00:30:19,486 TWO DOZEN WINGS AND TWO SAUCES FOR ONLY 24.99. THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN BOTH 278 00:30:19,486 --> 00:30:28,428 AGREE ON. OR CALL AN AUDIBLE. 279 00:30:28,428 --> 00:30:30,163 AND TRY THE STREAM PLATTER. JUICY BUFFALO WINGS FOR ONLY 39.99. 280 00:30:30,163 --> 00:30:33,900 NOW WE'RE TALKING. AND IF YOUR PARTY IS REALLY RAGING, GO FOR TWO WITH WING PIT 281 00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:43,910 TAILGATE FEAST. 20 DOZEN WINGS, FIVE ETHNICALLY TROUBLING SAUCES AND 282 00:30:43,910 --> 00:30:47,647 A GALLON OF RANCH FOR JUST 89.99. THANK YOU. 283 00:30:47,647 --> 00:30:49,382 WE'RE PROBABLY GOOD ON WINGS, THOUGH. BUT YOU COULD BE GREAT ON 284 00:30:49,382 --> 00:30:54,120 WINGS. WITH WING PITS NEW TRAY OF TEARS. 285 00:30:54,120 --> 00:31:00,827 600 OF OUR SUCCULENT WINGS PLUS 16 BUTT-DESTROYING SAUCES AND A KEG FULL OF RANCH 286 00:31:00,827 --> 00:31:06,499 FOR ONLY 205.99. WE DON'T NEED ALL THAT. BUT YOU WANT IT JUST LIKE YOU 287 00:31:06,499 --> 00:31:14,407 WANT WING PIT'S THE CHICKEN SMOOTHIE. IT'S 40 LIQUEFIED WINGS MIXED 288 00:31:14,407 --> 00:31:16,376 WITH 80 PROOF ALCOHOL. MUST BE OVER 12 TO ORDER. OVER 12? 289 00:31:16,376 --> 00:31:25,585 AND IF YOU'RE THIRSTY FOR MORE, TRY THE CARNAGE PLATTER. 3,000 WINGS 290 00:31:25,585 --> 00:31:27,687 PACKED IN A BLACK CONTRACTOR BAG THROWN STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR WINDOW IN TIME FOR KICKOFF. 291 00:31:27,687 --> 00:31:30,490 HEY, IF YOU DON'T STOP, I'M CALLING THE POLICE. WELL, GOOD LUCK BECAUSE WE 292 00:31:30,490 --> 00:31:36,229 OWN THE POLICE. WING PIT DONATES MILLIONS TO POLICE CHARITIES SO WE CAN 293 00:31:36,229 --> 00:31:42,569 OPERATE WITH TOTAL IMMUNITY. AND THAT LETS US SERVE YOU THE CHICK NOBLE. 294 00:31:42,569 --> 00:31:53,780 5,000 WINGS, 10,000 BEANS, A FULL GALLON OF HOT SAUCE AIR-DROPPED RANCH. 295 00:31:53,780 --> 00:31:56,916 ALL PUMPED INTO YOUR PARTY VIA CEMENT SHOOT. OH! 296 00:31:56,916 --> 00:32:05,725 AHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? TO HONOR THE CHICKEN GOD OF 297 00:32:05,725 --> 00:32:17,504 DEATH. NO, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. YOUR FATE IS SEALED. 298 00:32:17,504 --> 00:32:20,607 YOUR FATE IS SEALED. WING PIT. LET THE SLAUGHTER BEGIN. 299 00:32:28,081 --> 00:32:36,589 COLDPLAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 300 00:32:36,589 --> 00:32:47,200 * YOU AND ME * WE'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY GREATEST STORY OF US 301 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:54,607 ONE FOR THE CENTURIES * * I SAW YOU I WAS BROKE OPEN TORE RIGHT INTO TWO 302 00:32:54,607 --> 00:33:02,048 I NEVER SAW ANYTHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU * * IF I WOKE UP 303 00:33:02,048 --> 00:33:10,256 AND ALL THIS WAS JUST A DREAM I WANT TO TELL YOU JUST WHAT YOU MEAN * 304 00:33:10,256 --> 00:33:25,772 * WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF * 305 00:33:25,772 --> 00:33:39,219 * WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE I FEEL THIS WAY 306 00:33:39,219 --> 00:34:00,540 I'VE NEVER FELT * ** * YOU AND ME 307 00:34:00,540 --> 00:34:07,414 WE'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY WE'RE IN THIS LIFE TOGETHER * 308 00:34:07,414 --> 00:34:14,421 * SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE * * SAW YOU I WAS BROKEN OPEN 309 00:34:14,421 --> 00:34:19,225 TORE RIGHT INTO TWO I NEVER SAW ANYTHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU * 310 00:34:19,225 --> 00:34:25,665 * IF I WOKE UP AND ALL THIS WAS JUST A DREAM I WANT TO TELL YOU 311 00:34:25,665 --> 00:34:43,283 JUST WHAT YOU MEAN * * WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE 312 00:34:43,283 --> 00:34:58,898 I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF * * WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE 313 00:34:58,898 --> 00:35:08,074 I FEEL THIS WAY I NEVER FELT * * I FEEL THIS WAY 314 00:35:08,074 --> 00:35:24,057 I NEVER FELT OH OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH * * WHEN I'M WITH YOU 315 00:35:24,057 --> 00:35:39,572 THERE IS NO ONE ELSE I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF * * WHEN I'M WITH YOU 316 00:35:39,572 --> 00:35:50,950 THERE IS NO ONE ELSE * * A LIFE A SPARKLE IN YOUR EYES 317 00:35:50,950 --> 00:36:07,033 HEAVEN COMIN' THROUGH * AND I LOVE YOU * ** 318 00:36:07,033 --> 00:36:20,880 * I REALLY DO OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH * * WHEN I'M WITH YOU 319 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:29,422 THERE IS NO ONE ELSE THERE IS NO ONE I GET HEAVEN TO MYSELF * 320 00:36:29,422 --> 00:36:41,768 * WHEN I'M WITH YOU THERE IS NO ONE ELSE THERE IS NO ONE 321 00:36:41,768 --> 00:36:53,079 FEEL THIS WAY I NEVER FELT * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. ** 322 00:36:53,079 --> 00:36:59,085 ** THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 323 00:37:10,797 --> 00:37:16,936 MICHAEL CHE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. 324 00:37:16,936 --> 00:37:23,176 GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE. 325 00:37:23,176 --> 00:37:27,180 I'M COLIN JOST. EARLIER TODAY, AN AMERICAN FIGHTER JET SHOT DOWN A 326 00:37:27,180 --> 00:37:31,618 SUSPECTED CHINESE SURVEILLANCE BALLOON THAT HAD BEEN SPOTTED CROSSING THE UNITED STATES, 327 00:37:31,618 --> 00:37:45,598 OFFICIALLY ENDING HISTORY'S MOST COMPLICATED GENDER REVEAL PARTY. BAD NEWS FOR CHINA, IT'S A GIRL. 328 00:37:45,598 --> 00:37:52,172 CHINESE OFFICIALS CONDEMNED THE DECISION TO DESTROY THE BALLOON SAYING IT WAS A CIVILIAN 329 00:37:52,172 --> 00:37:57,610 AIRCRAFT. BUT EVEN THEY CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. 330 00:37:57,610 --> 00:38:11,391 THE REVIVED A.P. AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS REMOVED THE CLASSES THAT FLORIDA SAYS HAVE 331 00:38:11,391 --> 00:38:14,427 BEEN PROBLEMATIC. INSTEAD THEY REPLACED IT WITH AUTHORS THEY CALL ONE OF THE 332 00:38:14,427 --> 00:38:19,833 GOOD ONES. REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS SAID THAT HE IS STEPPING ASIDE 333 00:38:19,833 --> 00:38:26,072 FROM HIS COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS TO PREVENT BEING A DISTRACTION. HE ADDED THE LAST THING I WANT 334 00:38:26,072 --> 00:38:37,384 IS ATTENTION. THEN HE SACHEED AWAY IN A FEATHER BOA. 335 00:38:37,384 --> 00:38:44,057 IT WAS ALSO REPORTED HE LIED TO CAMPAIGN DONORS THAT HE WAS A PRODUCER OF SPIDERMAN, TURN OFF 336 00:38:44,057 --> 00:38:52,165 THE DARK, THOUGH HE DID END UP WORKING WITH THE GREEN GOBLIN. SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE -- THANK 337 00:38:52,165 --> 00:38:58,238 YOU -- SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE KEVIN McCARTHY SEEN HERE WANTING TO KNOW IF SOMEONE YOU OR YOU 338 00:38:58,238 --> 00:39:04,210 KNOW HAS BEEN INJURED IN A CAR ACCIDENT MET IN PERSON WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN ABOUT THE DEBT 339 00:39:04,210 --> 00:39:08,515 CEILING AND SAID THEY HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION. IT WENT SO WELL, BIDEN LET HIM 340 00:39:08,515 --> 00:39:14,020 PICK A COUPLE OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS OUT OF A BOWL. THE FBI SEARCHED PRESIDENT 341 00:39:14,020 --> 00:39:20,193 BIDEN'S DELAWARE BEACH HOUSE BUT FOUND NO CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. ALSO, THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY 342 00:39:20,193 --> 00:39:25,031 TELLS THAT YOU BIDEN GOT BILLIONS FROM CHINA, REMEMBER HIS BEACH HOUSE IS IN DELAWARE. 343 00:39:25,031 --> 00:39:31,171 IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT DONALD TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES WILL HOST THREE LIV GOLF TOURNAMENTS THIS 344 00:39:31,171 --> 00:39:38,645 YEAR, FURTHERING TRUMP'S TIES TO SAUDI ARABIA. MAKES SENSE, SAUDI ARABIA NEEDS 345 00:39:38,645 --> 00:39:45,618 VENUE FOR GOLF TOURNAMENTS, AND DUMP NEEDS OIL FOR THAT BIG OLE DUMP TRUCK. 346 00:39:45,618 --> 00:39:51,925 SENATE VOTED TO DESIGNATE JANUARY NATIONAL STALKING AWARENESS MONTH, WHICH IS A GOOD 347 00:39:51,925 --> 00:40:02,168 REMINDER WE'RE ONLY A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM STALKER CHRISTMAS. TOO CLOSE TO HOME? 348 00:40:02,168 --> 00:40:06,806 WOW. FLORIDA HAS PROPOSED LEGISLATION THAT WOULD ALLOW RESIDENTS TO 349 00:40:06,806 --> 00:40:11,544 CARRY FIREARMS WITHOUT A PERMIT. ALSO, EVERYONE GETS TO DO ONE MURDER. 350 00:40:11,544 --> 00:40:17,450 NEWLY RELEASED VIDEO OF A DEPOSITION TO NEW YORK'S ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE SHOWS 351 00:40:17,450 --> 00:40:26,159 FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP TAKING THE FIFTH HUNDREDS OF TIMES. ALSO TAKING A FIFTH, HIS LAWYER. 352 00:40:26,159 --> 00:40:31,898 FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, TWO BROTHERS WILL BE FACING OFF AGAINST EACH OTHER IN THE SUPER 353 00:40:31,898 --> 00:40:34,267 BOWL. INCIDENTALLY, TWO BROTHERS IN THE SUPER BOWL IS WHY MY 354 00:40:34,267 --> 00:40:44,244 THE SUPER BOWL IS WHY MY GRANDFATHER WON'T BE WATCHING. OH IN FEBRUARY, MAN, WOW. 355 00:40:47,447 --> 00:41:04,064 AND PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS PHIL. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE? 356 00:41:04,064 --> 00:41:20,080 I DON'T KNOW, MAN, THINGS ARE BLEAK OUT THERE. RIDE IT OUT, I GUESS. 357 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,849 YOU SEEM PRETTY DOWN. I THOUGHT IT WAS A BIG DAY FOR YOU. 358 00:41:22,849 --> 00:41:29,656 WHAT'S THE POINT OF ME? A WEATHER PREDICTING GROUNDHOG IN THE YEAR 2023? 359 00:41:29,656 --> 00:41:33,660 I'M USELESS. I'M LIKE A CONDEMN IN NICK CANNON'S WALLET. 360 00:41:33,660 --> 00:41:41,468 BUT YOU DID SEE YOUR SHADOW? I'M SEEING MY SHADOW EVERYWHERE. 361 00:41:41,468 --> 00:41:45,538 CLIMATE CHANGE HAS MADE IT ALL USELESS. IS WINTER STILL HERE? 362 00:41:45,538 --> 00:41:48,508 I JOGGED IN MY SHORTS THE OTHER DAY. YOU JOG? 363 00:41:48,508 --> 00:41:54,848 IT'S A RESOLUTION. I WASN'T ABOUT TO DO DRY JANUARY. 364 00:41:54,848 --> 00:42:00,320 ALCOHOL, THE ONLY COOL WAY TO WET THE BED. YOU KNOW THE CORE STOPPED? 365 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:05,258 THE EARTH'S CORE STOPPED SPINNING. LOOK. 366 00:42:05,258 --> 00:42:07,594 SEE. JUST STRAIGHT UP STOPPED. THEY WANT ME TO GO TO WORK? 367 00:42:07,594 --> 00:42:12,599 I'M A GROUNDHOG. I LIVE CLOSE TO THE CORE, CHE. NOT THAT CLOSE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH 368 00:42:12,599 --> 00:42:24,778 WHEN IT STOPPED SPINNING, I WAS LIKE, WHOA, YOU GUYS FEEL THAT? MIND IF I DO A BUMP REAL QUICK? 369 00:42:24,778 --> 00:42:26,713 NO. AT THE AFTERPARTY, ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW THE MOON'S THE SUN NOW? 370 00:42:26,713 --> 00:42:31,885 WHAT? LOOK. BECAUSE OF WILDFIRES, THIS IS 371 00:42:31,885 --> 00:42:35,989 WHAT THE SUN LOOKS LIKE IN CALIFORNIA FOR LIKE WEEKS AT A TIME. 372 00:42:35,989 --> 00:42:41,861 IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ON A STAR WARS PLANET, AND NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE. LIKE ONE OF THOSE DUSTY POOR 373 00:42:41,861 --> 00:42:45,565 ONES. YOU KNOW FOR ME, THIS IS SPACE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 374 00:42:45,565 --> 00:42:52,839 WELL, GROUNDHOGS LIVE UNDER GROUND, SO TO ME, THIS IS SPACE. HOUSTON, REQUESTING OXYGEN 375 00:42:52,839 --> 00:43:06,653 BREAK. TIME IS AN ILLUSION. YEP, SCIENCE GUYS ARE SAYING 376 00:43:06,653 --> 00:43:11,858 THIS. IT'S NOT JUST AN EXCUSE I USE WHENEVER MY OLD LADY SAYS I 377 00:43:11,858 --> 00:43:16,730 MISSED OUR ANNIVERSARY. WE STEP OUT, GUYS LIKE US, DON'T WE SM. 378 00:43:16,730 --> 00:43:20,467 WHAT DO YOU MEAN GUYS LIKE US? COME ON. 379 00:43:20,467 --> 00:43:25,071 I'M PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR. 380 00:43:25,071 --> 00:43:29,776 YOU'RE A BAD GROUNDHOG. I'M NOT A BAD GROUNDHOG. I JUST LIKE GOOD BEAVER. 381 00:43:29,776 --> 00:43:35,782 OH, MAN. BUT SERIOUSLY, I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY MIND RIGHT BY GETTING 382 00:43:35,782 --> 00:43:40,220 BACK TO THE BASICS, TOUCHING THE GRASS, EATING THE GRASS, SMOKING THE GRASS. 383 00:43:40,220 --> 00:43:44,591 YOU KNOW, THOSE TOP HAT PEOPLE TOUCH ME. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I DRINK. 384 00:43:44,591 --> 00:43:48,695 WHAT? YOU HEARD ME. LOOK, AT THE END OF THE DAY, I 385 00:43:48,695 --> 00:43:54,668 JUST WANT TO LIVE A LONG PEACEFUL LIFE AND DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES. 386 00:43:54,668 --> 00:43:59,372 THAT'S ACTUALLY VERY SWEET. WELL, FOR A GROUNDHOG, NATURAL CAUSES MEANS GETTING 387 00:43:59,372 --> 00:44:04,577 OBLITERATED BY AN 18 WHEELER. OH, MY GOD, MAN. THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL 388 00:44:04,577 --> 00:44:06,379 THEY SAY YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT. I'LL LET YOU KNOW. 389 00:44:12,886 --> 00:44:19,659 HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BRING BACK THE LONG EXTENSION DODO BIRD, BUT ONLY FOR A LIMITED 390 00:44:19,659 --> 00:44:27,067 TIME AT ARBY'S. WE HAVE THE DODO BIRDS. AMC THEATERS IS CELEBRATING 391 00:44:27,067 --> 00:44:34,074 BLACK HISTORY MONTH BY OFFERING $5 TICKETS TO RECENTLY RELEASED BLACK LED MOVIES. 392 00:44:34,074 --> 00:44:39,346 THEY'RE ALSO HONORING BLACK PEOPLE BY STARTING THE MOVIE 20 MINUTES LATE. 393 00:44:39,346 --> 00:44:44,451 DO YOU GET THAT, COLIN? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING 394 00:44:44,451 --> 00:44:48,588 ABOUT. POLICE OFFICIALS IN COLORADO SAY THAT A BEAR DISCOVERED A WILD 395 00:44:48,588 --> 00:44:57,330 LIFE CAMERA IN THE WOODS AND POSED FOR MORE THAN 400 SELFIES. 400 SELFIES OF A BEAR IS ALSO 396 00:44:57,330 --> 00:45:04,337 KNOWN AS A GRINDER PROFILE. THE U.S. SURGEON GENERAL IS WARNING THAT CHILDREN ARE 397 00:45:04,337 --> 00:45:09,275 JOINING SOCIAL MEDIA AT TOO YOUNG AN AGE, AND THEY SHOULD WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE AT LEAST 16, 398 00:45:09,275 --> 00:45:20,153 WHEN THEY'RE HOTTER. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT DESPITE WOMEN MAKING LESS MONEY 399 00:45:20,153 --> 00:45:26,092 THAN MEN, MORE SINGLE WOMEN IN THE U.S. OWN HOMES THAN SINGLE MEN, THANKS TO A PHENOMENON 400 00:45:26,092 --> 00:45:37,504 ECONOMISTS CALL DIVORCE. A SCHOOL OFFICIAL IN ILLINOIS HAS BEEN ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF 401 00:45:37,504 --> 00:45:43,643 STEALING OVER $1 MILLION WORTH OF CHICKEN WINGS, SAID THE OFFICIAL, I SWEAR, I WAS GOING 402 00:45:43,643 --> 00:45:51,384 OFFICIAL, I SWEAR, I WAS GOING TO GIVE ALL THE MONEY -- BOCK! NO. 403 00:45:55,755 --> 00:46:00,193 BE CROWNING ITS NEW KING AND QUEEN SOON, LAUNCHING A NEW ERA OF THE BRITISH MONARCHY. 404 00:46:00,193 --> 00:46:05,665 HERE TO COMMENT OR BRITISH RAPPERS MILLIE FOUNDS AND SHIRTY. 405 00:46:05,665 --> 00:46:09,836 THANKS, CHE. SO, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY? 406 00:46:09,836 --> 00:46:16,910 CAN YOU GIVE US AN UPDATE? RIGHT, RIGHT, LISTEN, MATE. ALL THE FOCUS IS ON THE ROYALS 407 00:46:16,910 --> 00:46:23,550 WHEN IT SHOULD BE ON ENGLAND'S EXPLOITIVE TABLOID PRESS. IT'S PANTS, MATE. 408 00:46:23,550 --> 00:46:28,455 IT'S PANTS. WHAT IS PANTS? IT'S PANTS. 409 00:46:28,455 --> 00:46:33,827 WE KNOW WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN. WE'VE KNOWN HARRY SINCE OUR DAYS 410 00:46:33,827 --> 00:46:37,364 AT EDEN. YOU GUYS WENT TO EDEN? YEAH. 411 00:46:37,364 --> 00:46:45,338 EATING YOUR MOM'S BUM. NO. BUT SERIOUSLY. 412 00:46:45,338 --> 00:46:50,677 LOOK, LOOK. IF YOU WANT US TO SUM UP OUR THOUGHTS TAKE OUT THE PODS AND 413 00:46:50,677 --> 00:46:57,951 HEAR ME, ALL RIGHT? BECAUSE WE HAVE A WAY OF TALKING. 414 00:46:57,951 --> 00:47:04,224 ACTUALLY, MILLIE POUNDS. YEAH. * PRINCE HARRY, PRINCE HARRY, 415 00:47:04,224 --> 00:47:14,134 STAYED OVER AT TYLER PERRYS, I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY * * HARRY AND MEGHAN, RONALD 416 00:47:14,134 --> 00:47:20,407 REAGAN, INTERRACIAL DATING, QUEEN SAID NOT TODAY * * I SLIDE DOWN THE ROAD LIKE -- 417 00:47:20,407 --> 00:47:28,381 GIRL SAW ME LIKE -- BECAUSE I STAY HOT LIKE YOUNG * GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, NO. 418 00:47:28,381 --> 00:47:39,092 STOP. WHO IS YAN WUDUS? CHE, WHY DID YOU STOP IT, 419 00:47:39,092 --> 00:47:42,295 MATE? WE SHARED SO MANY FACTS. YOU REALLY DIDN'T. 420 00:47:42,295 --> 00:47:49,369 IT'S NOT ALL CHICKEN SHOPS AND TEA. BUT I THINK THIS NEXT VERSE WILL 421 00:47:49,369 --> 00:47:54,240 REALLY SHINE A LIGHT ON WHAT'S HAPPENING WHERE WE COME FROM. ALL RIGHT? 422 00:47:54,240 --> 00:48:01,715 * PRIME MINISTER, YOU KNOW THAT, HE GOT STYLES LIKE HARRY, I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY * 423 00:48:01,715 --> 00:48:09,489 * YOUR BOYFRIEND IS POOR, I MAKE MORE, I CHAT ONLINE WITH YOUR GIRL BECAUSE I STAY UP LIKE 424 00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:14,327 YAN WUDUS * OKAY. WAIT, WAIT. 425 00:48:14,327 --> 00:48:21,334 WHAT IS -- WHAT IS THAT? I GREW UP IN NEW YORK IN THE '90s, SO I CONSIDER MYSELF A 426 00:48:21,334 --> 00:48:25,271 PRETTY FRESH GUY WHEN IT COMES TO HIP HOP, BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. 427 00:48:25,271 --> 00:48:29,209 BACK HOME, WE DON'T REALLY HAVE GUNS, DO WE? BOP, BOP. 428 00:48:29,209 --> 00:48:36,316 BUT WE DO HAVE LITTLE TINY KNIVES WE CARRY WITH US AT ALL TIMES, AND THOSE KIND OF SOUND 429 00:48:36,316 --> 00:48:46,926 LIKE SHSHSH. BUT WHO IS YAN WUDUS. A SEMI FOOTBALL PLAYER FROM 430 00:48:46,926 --> 00:48:53,299 THE '80s. YOU LIKE SOCCER. CAN YOU TELL US HOW THE BRITS 431 00:48:53,299 --> 00:49:00,373 FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE * CORRUPT, YOUR GIRL TOLD ME WHAT'S UP, TRY TO SEE THAT 432 00:49:00,373 --> 00:49:12,018 WHAT'S UP, TRY TO SEE THAT BUTT * * I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY * 433 00:49:12,018 --> 00:49:18,324 FOR * 434 00:49:24,931 --> 00:49:27,067 JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW MY MOM CAN 435 00:49:27,067 --> 00:49:31,771 BE PRETTY PROTECTIVE OF ME, AND I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO GET SCARED OFF. 436 00:49:31,771 --> 00:49:35,442 DON'T WORRY. WE'RE GOOD. OKAY. 437 00:49:35,442 --> 00:49:48,588 WE'RE HOME! I'M COMING! MAMA! 438 00:49:48,588 --> 00:49:56,129 MAN OF MY LIFE. MY COLLEGE BOY, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. 439 00:49:56,129 --> 00:50:03,503 YOU DON'T CALL ENOUGH, BAD BOY, I KILL YOU. I PUT YOU IN JAIL. 440 00:50:03,503 --> 00:50:09,709 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. WELL, I LOVE YOU TOO, MAMA, AND I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO 441 00:50:09,709 --> 00:50:15,915 MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, BRITNEY. YES, MS. FLORES, I'M BRITNEY. I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. 442 00:50:15,915 --> 00:50:19,019 YOU'RE CUTE. YOU DRESS LIKE A BOY. I LIKE THAT. 443 00:50:19,019 --> 00:50:24,391 MAMA, LET'S EAT. HOW ABOUT THAT? AND MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME 444 00:50:24,391 --> 00:50:33,466 NEVER TO COME EMPTY HANDED, SO I DID BRING SOME VEGAN SLIDERS. [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] 445 00:50:33,466 --> 00:50:36,102 VEGAN SLIDERS. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME? YES. 446 00:50:36,102 --> 00:50:39,606 BUT IN A GOOD WAY. DON'T WORRY. MAMA, WE'RE HUNGRY. 447 00:50:39,606 --> 00:50:43,476 AND THIS LOOKS GREAT. WHERE SHOULD I PUT THESE? I'LL TAKE IT. 448 00:50:43,476 --> 00:51:05,532 THANK YOU. SIT, SIT. EVERYTHING LOOKS SO GREAT, 449 00:51:05,532 --> 00:51:08,268 MAMA. THANK YOU. SO, BRITNEY, WHAT ARE YOU 450 00:51:08,268 --> 00:51:15,375 STUDYING? I'M ACTUALLY STUDYING FINE ART WITH A CONCENTRATION IN 17th 451 00:51:15,375 --> 00:51:20,647 CENTURY BROKE ARCHITECTURE. SO SHE DOESN'T LIKE MONEY? MAMA, PLEASE, BRITNEY WANTS 452 00:51:20,647 --> 00:51:27,387 TO BE AN ART PROFESSOR ONE DAY. SO SHE'S A LESBIAN. MAMA, PLEASE. 453 00:51:27,387 --> 00:51:32,459 NO, NO [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] BROKE ARCHITECTURE. 454 00:51:32,459 --> 00:51:46,539 MAMA, POR FAVOR. VAN GOGH, PICASSO, VEGAN SLIDERS. 455 00:51:46,539 --> 00:51:52,479 THIS IS A NICE WHITE GIRL. SUN SCREEN [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] 456 00:51:52,479 --> 00:51:53,813 ULTIMATE FRISBEE. OH, MY GOSH. LISTEN. 457 00:51:53,813 --> 00:51:59,652 I'M SO SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY. I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR 458 00:51:59,652 --> 00:52:04,157 SON. LIKE, LOUIS, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE HAVING TROUBLE 459 00:52:04,157 --> 00:52:10,764 CONCENTRATING FIRST SEMESTER -- OH, NO, NO. AND I SET YOU UP WITH MY 460 00:52:10,764 --> 00:52:14,067 FAMILY DOCTOR. WHAT? NOW HE'S ON A.D.D. 461 00:52:14,067 --> 00:52:21,174 MEDICATION, AND HE'S DOING A LOT BETTER. MY SON DON'T HAVE A.D.D.! 462 00:52:21,174 --> 00:52:29,549 HE JUST LIKES TO JUMP! OH, WELL, A.D.D. ISN'T ANYTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT 463 00:52:29,549 --> 00:52:35,522 DEMI LOVATO HAS IT. FAMILY DOCTOR -- [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] 464 00:52:35,522 --> 00:52:46,833 NORMALIZE A.D.D. SHE HATES ME. SHE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. 465 00:52:46,833 --> 00:52:49,936 MAMA -- [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] UNISEX APPAREL. 466 00:52:49,936 --> 00:52:54,474 [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] "WHITE LOTUS" [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] 467 00:52:54,474 --> 00:52:59,612 HEY, MAN, WANT TO GET SOME SWEET GREEN? WHAT IS SHE SAYING? 468 00:52:59,612 --> 00:53:01,748 [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] LONG TERM, OKAY? 469 00:53:01,748 --> 00:53:06,152 NO. WHAT? [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] 470 00:53:06,152 --> 00:53:13,393 ONE NIGHTSTAND. HIT IT AND QUIT IT, HIT AND DIP. I DON'T CARE. 471 00:53:13,393 --> 00:53:18,732 THAT'S OKAY. THAT WAS ALL ENGLISH. I WOULD JUST LOVE TO START OVER. 472 00:53:18,732 --> 00:53:24,137 CAN WE PLEASE JUST EAT? THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS, MS. FLORES. 473 00:53:24,137 --> 00:53:32,379 BUT BEFORE WE EAT, MIND IF I SAY GRACE? GRACE. 474 00:53:32,379 --> 00:53:42,489 OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE WAS A WOMAN OF GOD? NOW WHERE ARE MY GRAND CHILDREN? 475 00:53:49,763 --> 00:53:54,868 THIS PLACE IS SO CUTE. YEAH. YEAH LOOK AT ALL THOSE GRAPES 476 00:53:54,868 --> 00:54:00,907 ON THE WALL. YES. PLEASE. 477 00:54:00,907 --> 00:54:09,115 WELCOME TO ANGELINO'S REAL ITALIAN RESTAURANT. AND THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL 478 00:54:09,115 --> 00:54:14,287 TABLE I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. AWW! 479 00:54:14,287 --> 00:54:26,666 BELLA, BELLA, BELLA, BELLA -- SMART. I BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE MENUS. 480 00:54:26,666 --> 00:54:32,939 DID HE SAY SMART? THAT'S A COMPLIMENT. YEAH, MAYBE HE LIKES YOU 481 00:54:32,939 --> 00:54:37,911 MORE. EXCUSE ME. I HAVE A WATER FOR YOU. 482 00:54:37,911 --> 00:54:45,852 BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA, BELLISSIMA -- AND A FUNNY ONE. 483 00:54:45,852 --> 00:54:50,390 DO I LOOK WEIRD TODAY OR SOMETHING? NO, NO. 484 00:54:50,390 --> 00:54:53,526 NO WAY. NEVER. NOW, LET ME GUESS. 485 00:54:53,526 --> 00:54:57,263 YOU ARE A MODEL? OH, YOU'RE SWEET. NO, NO. 486 00:54:57,263 --> 00:55:01,101 YOU ARE A STATUE. NO. I'M A NURSE. 487 00:55:01,101 --> 00:55:03,336 NO. THIS IS A CRIME. OKAY. 488 00:55:03,336 --> 00:55:07,073 I TRY AGAIN. YOU ARE A WRITER. NO. 489 00:55:07,073 --> 00:55:13,680 I'M ACTUALLY AN ACTOR. I WAS EVEN IN A MOVIE. OH, YES. 490 00:55:13,680 --> 00:55:17,817 BABADOOK. I'M NOT THE BABADOOK. JUST GO. 491 00:55:17,817 --> 00:55:23,423 WHAT IS MY VIBE TODAY? LADIES, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO CHEF DINO. 492 00:55:23,423 --> 00:55:29,229 HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, A LITTLE BITE. OH, YES. 493 00:55:29,229 --> 00:55:34,668 FOR SUCH A BEAUTY, YOU DESERVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL. OH, PRETTY. 494 00:55:34,668 --> 00:55:45,245 FOR YOU, FOR YOU, AND FOR YOU -- CHILI. CHILI? 495 00:55:45,245 --> 00:55:50,917 THIS IS HUGE. OH, YES, A BIG BOY CHILI. ENJOY. 496 00:55:50,917 --> 00:55:55,355 WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE THAT HERE? I THINK IT'S NICE THEY MADE 497 00:55:55,355 --> 00:55:59,325 YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL. YEAH. YEAH. 498 00:55:59,325 --> 00:56:01,461 LADIES, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE MENU? YES. 499 00:56:01,461 --> 00:56:06,032 CAN I GET THE SPAGHETTI WITH EXTRA MEATBALLS? ANYTHING FOR YOU. 500 00:56:06,032 --> 00:56:10,337 NOW, I HAVE A QUESTION. WILL YOU MARRY ME? OH, THAT IS SO SWEET, BUT I'M 501 00:56:10,337 --> 00:56:15,275 ALREADY MARRIED. OH, LUCKY MAN. ACTUALLY, I'M MARRIED TOO. 502 00:56:15,275 --> 00:56:21,681 OH, TO YOUR CAREER. OH, MY GOD. JEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S 503 00:56:21,681 --> 00:56:29,289 GOING ON. THOSE TWO GUYS SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE WEIRD TASTE. 504 00:56:29,289 --> 00:56:37,864 CANDLES FOR THE LADIES. AND LET ME JUST UNSCREW THIS LIGHT. 505 00:56:37,864 --> 00:56:43,236 MUCH BETTER. AND YOUR HARLEY DAVIDSON IS LEAKING OIL ALL OVER THE STREET. 506 00:56:43,236 --> 00:56:47,607 CAN YOU MOVE IT? I DON'T DRIVE A HARLEY. OH, MY MISTAKE. 507 00:56:47,607 --> 00:56:51,411 WHATEVER. WHERE IS OUR WAITER? YES. 508 00:56:51,411 --> 00:56:57,117 WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? CAN WE JUST ORDER? AND BY THE WAY, I ACTUALLY AM 509 00:56:57,117 --> 00:57:00,854 BEAUTIFUL. EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL. AND YOU MOST OF ALL BECAUSE IT'S 510 00:57:00,854 --> 00:57:08,294 THE KIND THAT'S ON THE INSIDE. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE HAD ENOUGH INSULTS. 511 00:57:08,294 --> 00:57:13,566 I'M JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND HAVE A SALAD. OH, THIS IS SO SAD. 512 00:57:13,566 --> 00:57:19,606 WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? YEAH, EVERYTHING YOU SAID. WHY WERE YOU LIKE THAT TO HER? 513 00:57:19,606 --> 00:57:24,544 OH, I MUST CONFESS. WHENEVER THERE'S A GROUP OF WOMEN, WE TEAM UP AGAINST ONE 514 00:57:24,544 --> 00:57:31,084 AND FLATTER THE OTHERS FOR MORE TIPS. IS THAT BAD? 515 00:57:31,084 --> 00:57:33,853 YEAH. YEAH. I MEAN, IT WAS DEFINITELY 516 00:57:33,853 --> 00:57:37,524 WORKING ON ME. I WAS GOING TO GIVE THE BIGGEST TIP OF MY LIFE. 517 00:57:37,524 --> 00:57:42,762 BUT, HEY, YOU SERIOUSLY MISREAD OUR FRIEND BY THE WAY. WHAT WAS THAT? 518 00:57:42,762 --> 00:57:44,964 IT IS YOUR FRIEND. SHE'S OUTSIDE. LOOK. 519 00:57:44,964 --> 00:57:51,071 LOOK. SO SMART. BIG BOY CHILI. 520 00:58:04,017 --> 00:58:23,636 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * BOYS BOYS DON'T CRY BOYS KEEP IT ALL INSIDE 521 00:58:23,636 --> 00:58:35,382 I TRY TO HIDE IT UNDERNEATH * * BUT STILL MY HEART 522 00:58:35,382 --> 00:58:49,829 STARTS TO BEAT MY HUMAN HEART ONLY GOT A HUMAN HEART* 523 00:58:49,829 --> 00:59:02,075 * I WISH IT DIDN'T RUN AWAY I WISH IT DIDN'T FALL APART OH MY HUMAN HEART * 524 00:59:02,075 --> 00:59:09,516 * NIGHT AND DAY AND LIGHT AND DARK * * ANY DAY 525 00:59:09,516 --> 00:59:28,268 IT COULD BE TORN IN HALF ONLY GOT A HUMAN HEART * ** 526 00:59:28,268 --> 00:59:36,276 * WHEN YOU TRY YOUR BEST BUT YOU DON'T SUCCEED YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT 527 00:59:36,276 --> 00:59:47,554 BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED * * WHEN YOU FEEL SO TIRED BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP 528 00:59:47,554 --> 01:00:07,307 STUCK IN REVERSE * LET'S GO. * LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME 529 01:00:07,307 --> 01:00:21,254 AND IGNITE YOUR BONES AND I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU * ** 530 01:00:21,254 --> 01:00:44,844 ** ** THANKS TO PEDRO AND VERONICA. 531 01:00:44,844 --> 01:00:50,083 LET'S GO, LET'S GO. HEY! * TEARS STREAM 532 01:00:50,083 --> 01:00:58,625 DOWN YOUR FACE WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING YOU CANNOT REPLACE * 533 01:00:58,625 --> 01:01:15,208 * TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE AND I * TEARS STREAM 534 01:01:15,208 --> 01:01:22,082 DOWN YOUR FACE * * I PROMISE YOU I WILL LEARN 535 01:01:22,082 --> 01:01:31,224 FROM MY MISTAKES * * TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE 536 01:01:31,224 --> 01:01:54,781 AND I * * LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME AND IGNITE YOUR BONES 537 01:01:54,781 --> 01:02:09,596 I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 538 01:02:19,305 --> 01:02:23,109 SHAYNA. TO SHAYNA. HERE COMES -- LET'S NOT 539 01:02:23,109 --> 01:02:29,716 FORGET HER BABY SISTER LISA WHO FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM TEMECULA TO CELEBRATE WITH US. 540 01:02:29,716 --> 01:02:33,820 IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU. THAT'S CUTE. 541 01:02:33,820 --> 01:02:39,092 BUT DON'T THINK I'M GIVING UP THE BUTT TONIGHT. I'M SORRY. 542 01:02:39,092 --> 01:02:42,529 WHAT? SHE'S JUST KIDDING. DON'T MIND HER. 543 01:02:42,529 --> 01:02:47,334 SORRY FOR THE WAIT. YOUR STEAK SHOULD BE COOKED TO YOUR LIKING NOW. 544 01:02:47,334 --> 01:02:50,737 THIRD TIME'S A CHARM. EXTRA EXTRA WELL DONE. THANK YOU. 545 01:02:50,737 --> 01:02:56,409 LISA, DO YOU ALWAYS ORDER STEAKS LIKE THAT? I DN KNOW YOU COULD GET THEM 546 01:02:56,409 --> 01:02:59,112 EXTRA EXTRA WELL. UH-HUH. COOK MY MEAT. 547 01:02:59,112 --> 01:03:02,782 I DON'T WANT TO SEE ONE SPECK OF RED. I CAN'T BE SICK TONIGHT, I GOT 548 01:03:02,782 --> 01:03:05,552 TO BE IN COURT IN THE MORNING. YOU'RE A LAWYER? YEAH. 549 01:03:05,552 --> 01:03:11,725 SHE'S ACTUALLY THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST WALMART. 550 01:03:11,725 --> 01:03:16,162 COUPLE OF THEIR COINSTAR MACHINES EXPLODED. I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT 551 01:03:16,162 --> 01:03:19,699 HAPPENED NEXT. THAT'S REALLY AMAZING OF YOU. I REALLY ADMIRE THAT. 552 01:03:19,699 --> 01:03:24,371 WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR LITTLE FRIEND? HE'S DOING THE MOST TRYING TO 553 01:03:24,371 --> 01:03:27,674 GET SOME BUTT TONIGHT. EXCUSE ME? OH, MY GOD. 554 01:03:27,674 --> 01:03:32,612 NOTHING, PAUL. GIRL, DON'T START WITH THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO 555 01:03:32,612 --> 01:03:37,283 SIT HERE AND EAT MY STEAK IN PEACE. WELL, ANYWAY. 556 01:03:37,283 --> 01:03:45,825 I -- I DIDN'T TELL YOU GUYS, BUT A FEW NIGHTS BACK, THIS DOG FOLLOWED ME HOME. 557 01:03:45,825 --> 01:03:56,603 I'M ABOUT TO TEAR THIS THING UP. WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR, HE -- 558 01:03:56,603 --> 01:04:02,676 HE JUST SPRINTED INSIDE. THAT MAN DIDN'T GIVE ME NO KETCHUP. 559 01:04:02,676 --> 01:04:06,913 I'M RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE TRYING TO CATCH HIM. YOU GOT KETCHUP OVER THERE? 560 01:04:06,913 --> 01:04:12,485 GIRL, CAN YOU JUST EAT? YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE NASTY WITHOUT KETCHUP? 561 01:04:12,485 --> 01:04:31,504 SO ANYWAY, I -- I GUESS I HAD TWO BONES IN MY BASEMENT. THAT'S SO CRAZY. 562 01:04:31,504 --> 01:04:37,944 I GOT TO CUT YOU A PIECE OF THIS STEAK. THIS STEAK IS BUSSIN. 563 01:04:37,944 --> 01:04:42,415 OH, MY GOD. CAN YOU JUST CHILL? HE'S TRYING TO TELL A STORY. 564 01:04:42,415 --> 01:04:48,254 YOU HEARD THE MAN. I HEARD HIM. HE SAID HE GOT CHASED BY A DOG. 565 01:04:48,254 --> 01:04:51,324 OKAY. OKAY. LISA. 566 01:04:51,324 --> 01:04:57,764 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY. 567 01:04:57,764 --> 01:04:59,199 LOOK. TODD -- THE MAN. 568 01:04:59,199 --> 01:05:07,907 ANTONIO BANDERES OVER HERE TRYING TO GET SOME BUTT WHILE HE GOT KUJO LIVING IN HIS BASEMENT. 569 01:05:07,907 --> 01:05:12,045 JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN ON YOU. EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? 570 01:05:12,045 --> 01:05:19,352 WE HAVE BEEN GETTING COMPLAINTS. OH, BECAUSE WE BLACK? WE OVER HERE MINDING OUR 571 01:05:19,352 --> 01:05:26,359 BUSINESS. I'M JUST MAKING SURE EVERYTHING'S OKAY. 572 01:05:26,359 --> 01:05:31,664 ACTUALLY, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY. THERE IS WINE ALL IN THEIR FOOD. 573 01:05:31,664 --> 01:05:39,172 IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR NOW. Y'ALL NEED TO DO BETTER. LISA. 574 01:05:39,172 --> 01:05:44,778 YES, ANTONIO. I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T -- YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SICK TOMORROW, 575 01:05:44,778 --> 01:05:48,314 BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SAWING THAT STEAK. THIS IS A MESS BECAUSE OF YOU. 576 01:05:48,314 --> 01:05:52,285 OKAY. NOW HOLD UP NOW. I'M NOT GOING TO LET Y'ALL 577 01:05:52,285 --> 01:05:58,692 CORNER MY BABY SISTER LISA WHO CAME ALL THE WAY FROM TEMECULA ON MY BIRTHDAY. 578 01:05:58,692 --> 01:06:03,663 I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. DOES MY SISTER HAVE TERRIBLE LISTENING SKILLS? 579 01:06:03,663 --> 01:06:06,032 1,000%. BUT SHE'S THE ONLY SISTER I'VE GOT. 580 01:06:06,032 --> 01:06:14,374 WE THE YOUNGEST OF SIX GIRLS. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, SHE'S MY FAMILY, AND THERE 581 01:06:14,374 --> 01:06:19,079 BETTER NOT BE A RED DAMN SPECK ON THAT PLATE. COOK MY MEAT. 582 01:06:19,079 --> 01:06:22,349 OKAY? YOU KNOW WHAT? Y'ALL HAVEN'T HAD IT. 583 01:06:22,349 --> 01:06:24,918 YOU KNOW WHAT? Y'ALL HAVEN'T HAD IT. I'M GOING TO CUT Y'ALL A 584 01:06:36,596 --> 01:06:51,077 FERDINAND, SINGERS, SARAH PAULSON, AND THIS AMAZING CAST THAT TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME,