1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:07,040 Announcer: AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP. 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,310 HELLO. THANK YOU. IT'S ME. 3 00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:13,513 HI. I'M THE PROBLEM. IT'S ME. 4 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:19,552 WELL, FOLKS, IT HAPPENED. I GOT INDICTED, OR AS I SPELL IT, INDICATED. 5 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:27,527 AND FRANKLY, IT'S TIME THAT I COME CLEAN, ADMIT THAT I BROKE THE LAW, AND GO QUIETLY TO 6 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:31,998 PRISON. APRIL FOOLS! THAT WAS A PRANK. 7 00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:41,675 I WAS DOING A JIM FROM OFFICE. BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, WHAT THE RADICAL LEFT DEMOCRATS ARE DOING 8 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:48,014 TO ME IS WORSE THAN ANY CRIME I'VE EVER COMMITTED, AND I'VE COMMITTED A LOT, CLOSE TO 34. 9 00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:53,820 SOME ARE SAY I'M GOING TO USE THIS INDICTMENT TO RILE UP MY BASE SO THAT THEY GIVE ME MORE 10 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,822 MONEY. NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE. 11 00:00:55,822 --> 00:01:00,794 I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM MY BASE EXCEPT THEIR LOVE, THEIR VOTES, PERHAPS THEIR MONEY. 12 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:06,966 AND I NEED THEIR MONEY MORE THAN EVER. NOW YOU MAY HAVE SEEN I'VE BEEN 13 00:01:06,966 --> 00:01:16,142 OPENING MY RALLIES WITH MY WONDERFUL SONG, "JUSTICE FOR ALL" WHICH I PERFORMED WITH THE 14 00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:19,946 J-6 CHOIR. THAT'S A REAL THING. VERY DISTURBING. 15 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:26,319 IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE DOWNLOADED SONG. WE BEAT "FLOWERS" BY MILEY, 16 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:31,858 WHICH AS WE ALL KNOW IS ABOUT LIAM. BUT MY SONG RAKED IN SO MUCH 17 00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:38,732 CASH, I THOUGHT WHY STOP THERE. THAT'S WHY I'M PUTTING OUT MY NEW ALBUM, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I 18 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:46,406 CALL MY LEGAL DEFENSE FUND", AKA, TRUMP BOPS, AND I'M BRINGING ALL THE THINGS 19 00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:53,113 * THAT AIN'T NOTHING, BUT DRUGSTORE LOVING * * HEY, LITTLE THINGS, LET ME 20 00:01:53,113 --> 00:02:02,122 LIGHT YOUR CANDLE * WOW, WHAT A DEAL. JUST 30 CLASSIC OTHERS, ALL 21 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,792 HORRIBLE. SUNG BY YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT TO DEFEND OUR MOVEMENT, AND 22 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:14,401 MOSTLY MYSELF, FROM THE EVIL MANHATTAN DA. THAT MEANS DISTRICT ATTORNEY. 23 00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:20,073 BUT I'M A FIGHTER, AND SPEAKING OF FIGHTING AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FIGHTERS, HERE'S MY FRIEND 24 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:27,480 DON KING. HEY, EVERYBODY. WHAT Y'ALL DOING TO THIS MAN IS 25 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:34,754 A TRAGEDY. SOMEBODY WITH THE BIG HAIR MURDERED A GUY. 26 00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:40,226 CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. * ISLANDS IN THE STREAM, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE, NO ONE IN BETWEEN, 27 00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:45,699 HOW CAN WE BE WRONG * WE'RE NOT WRONG. I'VE NEVER BEEN WRONG. 28 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:53,740 * MAKING LOVE TO EACH OTHER, UH-HUH * DON KING, EVERYBODY. 29 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:59,312 SPEAKING OF LOVE, ME AND THE FIRST LADY, MELANIA, ARE IN HIGH SPIRITS. 30 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:06,386 SINCE THE NEWS OF MY POSSIBLE IMPRISONMENT, I'VE NEVER SEEN MELANIA HAPPIER. 31 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:11,391 SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, SECOND ONLY TO PERHAPS MANY YOUNGER, HOTTER 32 00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:14,461 WOMEN. BUT WE LIKE HER. ALSO JUST TO SET THE RECORD 33 00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:22,936 STRAIGHT, I DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH STORMY DANIELS, BUT IN MANY WAYS, I DID. 34 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:28,308 ISN'T IT IRONIC THE FIRST TIME I PAY SOMEONE, THEY TRY TO SEND ME TO JAIL. 35 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:33,680 THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T PAY PEOPLE, FOLKS. YOU NEVER PAY PEOPLE. 36 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:44,157 PRETTY IRONIC. * IT'S LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, IT 37 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:48,595 FIGURES * AND FOLKS, IF THEY CAN COME FOR ME, THEY CAN COME FOR YOU TOO. 38 00:03:48,595 --> 00:03:52,832 OR IN THE CASE OF JANUARY 6th, THEY CAN COME FOR YOU AND NOT FOR ME. 39 00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:56,603 I LIKE THAT ONE A LITTLE BIT BETTER. BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO 40 00:03:56,603 --> 00:04:03,043 GO TO JAIL, BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW SHREDDED I MIGHT GET, IT'S AWFULLY TEMPTING. 41 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:08,048 CAN YOU IMAGINE ME PUMPING IRON IN THE JAIL YARD WITH THE HOMIES? 42 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:12,585 GETTING REAL BIG ON TOP, LITTLE ON BOTTOM. TOTALLY PRISON YOLKED, LOOKING 43 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:19,292 LIKE A CANDY APPLE. PERHAPS I MIGHT EVEN BECOME RECEPTIVE TO THE TEACHINGS OF 44 00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:24,531 THE PROFIT MUHAMMAD. ALTHOUGH WITH, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY PICTURES OF HIM. 45 00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:30,904 KIND OF SUS. UH-OH, WHO'S THIS? IT'S A MAN WHO, LIKE ME, WAS 46 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:36,576 ILLEGALLY RAIDED, AND HE'S TURNING IT INTO BIG BUCKS. AFRO MAN. 47 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:43,583 * I WAS GOING TO GO TO CLASS, BUT THEN I GOT HIGH * DRUGS ARE KILLING OUR CHILDREN. 48 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:50,623 * I COULD HAVE CHEATED, BUT I PASSED, AND THEN I GOT HIGH * 49 00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:59,332 REAL SHAME. * BECAUSE I GOT HIGH, BECAUSE I GOT HIGH, BECAUSE I GOT HIGH * 50 00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:05,405 WE NEED TO BE EXECUTING OUR DRUG DEALERS. THANK YOU, AFRO MAN. 51 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:11,478 FOLKS, FOLKS, YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY IS IMPORTANT. IF I GO TO JAIL, I WILL NEED 52 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:23,156 MONEY FOR COMMISSARY SNACKS. I WILL NEED A SUPPLY OF RAMONS TO SUCCESSFULLY BARTER WITH A 53 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:30,397 MAN NAMED LIZARD. AND NOW MY MOST LOYAL SUPPORTER, I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY. 54 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:35,902 HE'S MY KENDALL ROY. IT'S DON JR. WOW, DAD, THIS IS REALLY 55 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:38,605 EMOTIONAL. IT MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME I SEE YOU. 56 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:44,077 FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS. * THE BOY'S A LIAR, THE BOY'S A 57 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:56,256 LIAR, HE DOESN'T SEE YA, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME, BOY * YEAH! 58 00:05:56,256 --> 00:06:02,529 VERY STRANGE ENERGY, MY SON. DON'T LIKE IT. HE'S SAYING THAT I'M GOOD 59 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:11,271 ENOUGH, GRABBING MY DRRR, WE LOVE ICE SPICE, DON'T WE? ICE SPICE. 60 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:15,675 LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR. MANHATTAN, I'LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY. 61 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:21,815 WE'LL BE WILD. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 62 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:32,592 Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 63 00:07:35,055 --> 00:08:10,090 FEATURING -- 64 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:15,095 FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST, LIL YACHTY. 65 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:24,237 AND YOUR HOST, QUINTA BRUNSON. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, QUINTA 66 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:47,260 BRUNSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. 67 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:51,531 THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. MY NAME IS QUINTA BRUNSON, AND 68 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:56,936 LET ME JUST FIRST SAY, I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. I HAVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT THIS 69 00:08:56,936 --> 00:09:04,844 SINCE I WAS A KID. I ACTUALLY -- I WANTED TO BE ON SNL BACK IN THE DAY. 70 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:12,018 BUT THE AUDITION PROCESS SEEMED WELL, LONG. SO INSTEAD, I JUST CREATED MY 71 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:17,190 OWN TV SHOW, MADE SURE IT BECAME REALLY POPULAR, WON A BUNCH OF EMMYS, AND THEN GOT ASKED TO 72 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:22,228 HOST. SO MUCH EASIER. I HAVE A SHOW CALLED ABBOTT 73 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:34,341 ELEMENTARY. AND IT'S KIND OF UNIQUE. IT'S A STREAMING SHOW -- IT'S 74 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:37,744 NOT A STREAMING SHOW. IT'S A NETWORK SITCOM, LIKE FRIENDS EXCEPT INSTEAD OF BEING 75 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:43,183 ABOUT A GROUP OF FRIENDS, IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF TEACHERS. AND INSTEAD OF NEW YORK, IT'S IN 76 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:51,825 PHILADELPHIA, AND INSTEAD OF NOT HAVING BLACK PEOPLE, IT DOES. I GREW UP IN PHILLY, AND MY MOM 77 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:58,932 WAS A TEACHER THERE, SO CREATING A SHOW ABOUT TEACHERS HAS BEEN REALLY SPECIAL. 78 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,969 NOW, EVERY TIME THERE'S AN ISSUE WITH THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO SOLVE IT. 79 00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:08,608 AND THAT'S NOT FAIR. LAST WEEK WHEN THAT BANK COLLAPSED, NO ONE WANTED TO GO 80 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:14,514 UP TO THE CAST OF SUCCESSION LIKE HOW DO WE FIX THIS? DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE THAT 81 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:22,822 PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING ABBOTT, BUT I WISH THEY DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE MY CHARACTER ALL THE 82 00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:26,126 TIME. JANINE TEAGUES IS A CARING SECOND GRADE TEACHER WHO IS GOOD 83 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:32,232 AND WHOLESOME, AND I'M THE OPPOSITE. I'M NOT A FILTHY WHORE, BUT I 84 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:37,971 LIKE TO HAVE FUN. I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT SOMEONE SAYING, DAMN, 85 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:45,311 MS. TEAGUES IS OUT HERE GETTING WASTED AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO LOWER 86 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:49,282 THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF ME. I'M STILL YOUNG, FIGURING THINGS OUT. 87 00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:54,487 I'VE HAD TO START LYING TO MY MOM ABOUT WHO I'M HANGING OUT WITH. 88 00:10:54,487 --> 00:11:01,594 I'M LIKE, I'M GOING TO CHILL WITH MY FRIEND IN HER GARDEN, AND I DON'T TELL HER IT'S 89 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:08,068 OPRAH'S GARDEN. OR WHEN I TELL HER I'M GOING OUT TO DINNER BUT NOT WITH WHO. 90 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:12,305 I'M HAVING DINNER WITH YOUR DAUGHTER HERE. WE'RE SO PROUD OF HER, BUT WE'RE 91 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:17,610 ALSO PROUD OF YOU NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A GREAT MOM BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE A TEACHER. 92 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:26,786 MOST IMPORTANT JOB THERE IS. AS MY FRIEND BARACK SAID -- I CALL HIM BARACK NOW. 93 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:31,658 MY MOM REALLY WAS AN AMAZING TEACHER, AND I'M SO PROUD OF HER. 94 00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:37,731 BUT I ALSO NO FIRSTHAND THAT TEACHERS GET TAKEN FOR GRANTED. LIKE I'VE ALWAYS HAD A 95 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:44,237 DISHWASHER. NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT, LOADED IT UP, KICKED IT SHUT, WENT TO 96 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:48,908 BED WASTED. BUT THEN MY HUSBAND AND I MOVED INTO AN APARTMENT THAT DIDN'T 97 00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:54,547 HAVE A DISHWASHER, AND AFTER ONE DAY, I WAS LIKE, WE GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. 98 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:59,119 THAT'S HOW PARENTS FEEL WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE A TEACHER DURING THE PANDEMIC. 99 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:04,958 SUDDENLY PARENTS ARE LIKE, WE HAVE TO TEACH THESE DISHES NOW? FEED THESE DISHES NOW? 100 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:10,730 WHY DID I HAVE SO MANY DISHES? THAT LAST DISH WAS A MISTAKE. SERIOUSLY, TEACHERS ARE PEOPLE, 101 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:15,168 NOT APPLIANCES. SO PLEASE, REMEMBER HOW IMPORTANT TEACHERS ARE. 102 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:21,474 ACKNOWLEDGE THE WORK THEY DO EVERY DAY, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PAY THEM THE MONEY THEY 103 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:25,145 DESERVE. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 104 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:29,349 WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. LIL YACHTY IS HERE 105 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:45,932 BUT THE GIRLS HERE ARE INSANE. I KNOW. I ALREADY GOT LIKE THREE PHONE 106 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:49,736 NUMBERS. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS NIGHT MORE PERFECT IS 107 00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:52,372 IF WE COULD SCORE A LITTLE SOMETHING. YOU MEAN LIKE COKE? 108 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,875 YEAH, MAN. I DON'T KNOW. WHY NOT? 109 00:12:55,875 --> 00:13:00,447 WE'RE ON VACATION, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. AS LONG AS WE CAN FIND SOMETHING 110 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:04,818 THAT'S PURE. THERE'S A LOT OF GARBAGE GOING AROUND RIGHT NOW. 111 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:08,922 HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR SOME COCAINE? 112 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:12,058 WHAT? I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO GET HIGH? 113 00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:16,830 BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN. WAIT, SERIOUSLY? I MEAN, IS IT PURE? 114 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:22,135 IS IT PURE? DON'T INSULT ME, MAN. MY PRODUCT IS SO PURE WHITE, 115 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:27,774 IT'S LIKE A BUNNY RABBIT MAKING SNOW ANGELS ON A CLOUD. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. 116 00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:32,545 HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR COCAINE? OH, I THINK WE FOUND SOME 117 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:35,081 ALREADY. YEAH. THEY ALREADY FOUND SOME. 118 00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:42,088 GET LOST. WELL, MY STUFF IS SO WHITE, IT'S LIKE GWENYTH PALTROW SKIING 119 00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:44,591 IN UTAH. OKAY. DAMN. 120 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:47,327 I'M SOLD. HOW MUCH FOR THAT? WAIT A MINUTE. 121 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:54,334 MY COCAINE IS SO PURE WHITE, IT'S LIKE THE GUY THAT'S SUING GWENYTH PALTROW BECAUSE HE CAN'T 122 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:58,538 ENJOY WINE TASTINGS ANYMORE. Y'ALL LOOKING FOR SOME COCAINE? 123 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:02,709 NO. THEY ALREADY DECIDED, MAN. WELL, NO, WE HAVEN'T. 124 00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:07,180 WE'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT'S PURE. LET ME TELL YOU THIS, MAN, 125 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:12,285 THE COKE I GOT IS SO WHITE, ITS DAD SENDS IT MONEY EVERY MONTH FOR THE RENT. 126 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:17,257 OKAY. I THINK I WANT THAT ONE. NO, NO, NO. 127 00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:20,627 THAT IS JUNK. THIS STUFF RIGHT HERE IS SO WHITE, IT TAKES ITS SHOES AND 128 00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:24,130 SOCKS OFF ON A PLANE. NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT THAT. 129 00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:31,471 THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN. THIS COKE RIGHT HERE IS WHITER THAN SEASON TWO OF "THE WIRE." 130 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:37,744 OH, YEAH? WELL, MY COKE IS LIKE -- * CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES, THIS 131 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:44,384 IS MY LAST RESORT * MINE IS LIKE -- * I CHIMED IN WITH A HAVEN'T YOU 132 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:52,892 PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GOD DAMN DOOR * THAT IS WHITE, YEAH. 133 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:56,863 HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR SOME COCAINE? 134 00:14:56,863 --> 00:15:00,233 WE GOOD. THEY'RE ALL SET, MAN. WE'RE LOOKING FOR COKE THAT'S 135 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:06,139 SO PURE WHITE, IT GOT A LITTLE BOTTLE OPENER ON ITS FLIP FLOPS. MY COKE IS SO PURE, IT WAS 136 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:11,811 WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY NOAH BAUMBACH. WHO THE HELL IS NOAH 137 00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:15,548 BAUMBACH? A POET. MAN, THAT'S NOTHING. 138 00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:21,054 THIS COCAINE I GOT SAYS STUFF LIKE, OOP, LET ME SCOOT RIGHT BY YOU. 139 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:26,559 NO, NO, NO. THIS COCAINE IS SO WHITE -- OH, SORRY. 140 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,697 HOW WHITE IS IT? THANK YOU. IT'S SO WHITE, IT STANDS LIKE 141 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:37,637 THIS ADMIRING ITS LAWN. MY COKE IS SO WHITE -- LET ME JUST SCOOT BY YOU 142 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:46,479 THERE. OKAY. TOODLES. 143 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,449 IT'S THAT WHITE. I ALREADY SAID THAT ONE. ALL RIGHT, MAN. 144 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,452 SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? HUH, I DON'T KNOW. I STILL CAN'T DECIDE. 145 00:15:52,452 --> 00:16:03,296 HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR SOME BLACK TAR HEROIN? 146 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:07,467 WHAT? NO. OH, TOO BAD BECAUSE I'VE GOT 147 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,905 SOME BLACK TAR HEROIN THAT'S SO BLACK, IT'S -- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY. 148 00:16:11,905 --> 00:16:15,642 NO, NO, NO. I WANT TO HEAR IT. GO AHEAD. 149 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:20,413 PLEASE TELL US. I WAS GOING TO SAY IT'S SO BLACK THAT IT'S STRONG AND 150 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:25,318 EQUAL. AND WE SHOULD ALL REALLY GIVE IT A CHANCE. 151 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:31,224 YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN HERE. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. LIKE I SAID, THIS COKE IS SO 152 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:37,063 WHITE, IT LIKES TO SAY IT'S FROM CHICAGO, BUT IT'S FROM A SUBURB OUTSIDE OF CHICAGO. 153 00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:45,238 MY COKE IS 20 PAIRS OF YEEZY SNEAKERS. THAT DOESN'T SOUND WHITE. 154 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:49,342 THEY'RE ALL DIRTY. THAT'S WHITE. THAT'S ENOUGH. 155 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,078 THOSE ALL SOUND VERY WHITE AND PURE. I CAN'T DECIDE. 156 00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:56,349 SO I GUESS WE'LL TAKE ONE FROM EACH. OKAY. 157 00:16:56,349 --> 00:17:00,553 ALL RIGHT. AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THERE IS NO FENTANYL IN THIS, 158 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:05,825 RIGHT? NOBODY SAID -- WELL -- 159 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:19,639 IT ALL STARTED WITH A BOX ON MY DOORSTEP. AND A NOTE WITH A QUESTION. 160 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:25,045 I JUST GOT THIS FEELING THAT IT WASN'T THE KIND OF QUESTION YOU COULD SAY NO TO. 161 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:28,815 WILL YOU -- BE MY -- BRIDESMAID. 162 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:39,059 FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU KEEP SWEET, WILD WILD COUNTRY, AND THE DOCUMENTARY 163 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:44,531 COMES A NEW STORY, I WAS A BRIDESMAID. EACH YEAR, MORE THAN 6 164 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:49,069 MILLION WOMEN FALL INTO THIS TYPE OF CULT. THEY PREY ON COLLEGE ROOMMATES 165 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:55,575 AND SISTERS IN LAW. THEY SELL YOU ON A ONE DAY. THE BUT FOR 18 MONTHS, I WAS 166 00:17:55,575 --> 00:18:01,247 FULLY SUCKED IN. THERE WAS AN EMAIL CHAIN, GROUP TEXTS, DM, A WHOLE 167 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:07,020 CONVERSATION AND VENMO. GOT PULLED INTO A 200 QUESTION POLL ABOUT CUSTOMIZED 168 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:10,323 SHIRTS. WE ENDED UP GOING WITH BRIDE TRIBE. 169 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:14,461 THEY ALSO TARGET ANOTHER VULNERABLE GROUP, OUTGOING GAY MEN. 170 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:18,631 I HAVE BEEN A BRIDESMAID AT NINE WEDDINGS THIS YEAR. WHENEVER A GIRL STARTS CALLING 171 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:26,940 ME SIS, I KNOW I'M IN TROUBLE. THE BACHELORETTE PARTY IS THE FIRST MAJOR RITUAL, ALMOST 172 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,577 ALWAYS IN NASHVILLE. I TRY TODAY SAY I COULDN'T GO BECAUSE OF MY STUDENT LOANS. 173 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:38,785 THE MAID OF HONOR TEXTED BACK, NO WORRIES WITH A SPARKLE EMOJI. I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT. 174 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:45,225 AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BRIDE IN CHARGE, BUT IT WAS THE WOMAN UNDER HER, MICHELLE. 175 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:51,331 MICHELLE WAS A SOCIOPATH. FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO BE GETTING UP AT 6:00 A.M. FOR A 176 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:59,072 POLL DANCE FITNESS CLASS. WE'RE GOING TO BE RUNNING A NINE BIKE PERSON, AND DRINKING, 177 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:03,410 DRINKING, DRINKING. I'M NOT FEELING SO GOOD, SO I'M GOING TO MEET YOU GUYS 178 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:08,748 LATER. OH, THAT'S OKAY. HEY, BRITTANY, CAN WE TALK FOR A 179 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:12,018 SEC? I DON'T HAVE MANY MEMORIES FROM THE BACHELORETTE TRIP 180 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:18,391 BECAUSE I WAS DRUGGED BY MYSELF. I HAD NO CHOICE. THESE WOMEN WERE TERRORIZING 181 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:23,596 EVERY GAY BAR IN TOWN. AS WITH ALL CULTS, THERE IS A FINANCIAL ELEMENT. 182 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:29,436 I SPENT $300 ON A BRIDESMAID DRESS. THE BRIDES I'VE TRIED OTHER 183 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:37,577 TIMES TO WEAR IT. WHERE AM I GOING THAT CALLS FOR A BLUE CHIFFON GOWN? 184 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:43,616 MORE MONEY, MORE GIFTS, THERE WAS ALL THIS PENIS STUFF, SASHES, STRAWS, EVERYONE ACTED 185 00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:47,687 LIKE IT WAS HILARIOUS. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. THE PENIS STUFF IS VERY 186 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:51,925 FUNNY. I WILL SAY THAT. AND FINALLY, IT WAS TIME FOR 187 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:56,863 THE BIG DAY. I WAS SEPARATED FROM MY BOYFRIEND AND GIVEN A NEW 188 00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:07,474 PARTNER, THE GROOM'S COUSIN DONNY, WHO WAS INEXPLICABLY 61. FINAL RITUAL WAS THE MOST 189 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:15,048 DEMEANING. WE HAD TO WRITE AND PERFORM ORIGINAL LYRICS TO FRESH PRINCE 190 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:21,988 OF BELAIR. AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT WAS OVER. 191 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:27,227 BUT I JUST GOT ENGAGED. DON'T WORRY. I'M GOING TO BE SUCH A CHILL 192 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,462 DON'T WORRY. I'M GOING TO BE SUCH A CHILL BRIDE. 193 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:51,718 LET'S MEET TODAY'S CONTESTANTS. THEY RECENTLY CELEBRATED THEIR TEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY, IT'S 194 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:58,358 THOMAS AND MIA ANDERSON. AND THEY LIVED ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER DURING THE PANDEMIC, IT'S 195 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:02,862 JOHN AND LINDA CRONIN. LET'S GET STARTED. AS YOU KNOW, YOUR SPOUSES 196 00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:07,701 ANSWERED A SERIES OF QUESTIONS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO GUESS WHAT THEY SAID. 197 00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:13,473 QUESTION ONE, WHAT WAS YOUR WIFE'S FAVORITE FOOD? COME ON, BOB, THAT'S EASY. 198 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:18,111 SHE'S THE QUEEN OF BURGERS. LET'S SEE WHAT MIA SAID. BURGERS. 199 00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:22,716 I'M THE BURGER QUEEN. ALL RIGHT. THE ANDERSONS ARE ON THE BOARD. 200 00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:28,922 LET'S GO TO THE CRONINS, JOHN. I'M GOING TO GO WITH MY GUT HERE AND SAY CREPES. 201 00:21:28,922 --> 00:21:35,095 OH, NO, I SAID FISH STICKS. WE'LL GET THEM NEXT TIME, BABE. QUESTION TWO. 202 00:21:35,095 --> 00:21:40,100 WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S GREATEST FEAR? I'VE SEEN THIS MAN IN THE 203 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:44,838 GARAGE, AND TRUST ME, THE ANSWER IS SPIDERS. ALL RIGHT. 204 00:21:44,838 --> 00:21:50,176 MIA SAID SPIDERS, AND THOMAS SAID HIS GREATEST FEAR IS -- THAT YOU'LL FALL DOWN THE STAIRS 205 00:21:50,176 --> 00:21:59,686 AND GET HURT SO BAD THAT I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY DREAMS AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE CARING FOR 206 00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:01,955 YOU. WOW. SO NO POINTS ON THAT ONE. 207 00:22:01,955 --> 00:22:08,461 THAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? SPIDERS, YEAH. SHOULD HAVE SAID SPIDERS. 208 00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:13,333 OKAY. MOVING ON TO THE CRONINS. LINDA, WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S 209 00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:17,070 GREATEST FEAR? OH, I GOT THIS. IT'S AIRPLANES. 210 00:22:17,070 --> 00:22:19,706 NO, HONEY. IT'S SNAKES. REMEMBER? 211 00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:26,413 OH. SO CLOSE. WAS IT, THOUGH? 212 00:22:26,413 --> 00:22:28,848 WAS IT? OKAY. NEXT QUESTION. 213 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:35,555 WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU DO IN BED THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT LIKE. MIA? 214 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:41,761 WELL, THIS IS EMBARRASSING, BUT KISSING HIM BEFORE I BRUSH MY TEETH. 215 00:22:41,761 --> 00:22:45,865 AND THOMAS SAID, SLEEP TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE. THOMAS, YOU THINK I'M GOING 216 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:50,103 TO FALL OUT OF BED AND BREAK MY NECK? WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION, 217 00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:55,542 MAN? OVER TO LINDA. WHAT'S ONE THING YOU DO IN BED 218 00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:59,913 THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT LIKE? I WOULD HAVE TO SAY GET ON TOP. 219 00:22:59,913 --> 00:23:08,054 OKAY. AND JOHN SAID -- HOG THE SHEETS, BABE. 220 00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:14,427 ONCE AGAIN, THE CRONINS ARE NOT REMOTELY ON THE SAME PAGE. NEXT QUESTION FOR THE ANDERSONS. 221 00:23:14,427 --> 00:23:18,398 WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FIGHT ABOUT? OH, I KNOW THIS ONE. 222 00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:21,101 THAT WOULD BE THE BASKETBALL GAME INCIDENT. OKAY. 223 00:23:21,101 --> 00:23:27,507 THOMAS SAYS THE BASKETBALL GAME INCIDENT, AND MIA SAYS -- THE TIME I HIT A HALF COURT SHOT AT 224 00:23:27,507 --> 00:23:33,880 A BASKETBALL GAME AND THEY GAVE ME FREE ROCK CLIMBING LESSONS FOR LIFE, AND YOU RAN OUT AND 225 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:40,387 RIPPED UP THE CERTIFICATE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE STADIUM. FIVE POINTS FOR THE ANDERSONS. 226 00:23:40,387 --> 00:23:45,959 WE RUNNING AWAY WITH IT NOW, HUH, BABY? THAT SOUND MEANS IT'S TIME 227 00:23:45,959 --> 00:23:51,398 FOR A BONUS QUESTION. WHO HAS HAD THE BIGGEST INFLUENCE ON YOUR HUSBAND'S 228 00:23:51,398 --> 00:23:53,199 LIFE? HIS FATHER. YEP. 229 00:23:53,199 --> 00:23:57,203 MY DAD. MY PARENTS ARE ACTUALLY HERE TODAY. 230 00:23:57,203 --> 00:24:13,753 HOW AM I DOING, DAD? YOU'RE DOING GREAT, SON. BACK TO LINDA. 231 00:24:13,753 --> 00:24:16,923 WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S DREAM VACATION? I DON'T KNOW. 232 00:24:16,923 --> 00:24:21,795 SNAKE WORLD? YEAH. YEAH, SNAKE WORLD. 233 00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:27,167 NO, YOU IDIOT. I JUST SAID I DON'T LIKE SNAKES. OOH, CALLING YOUR SPOUSE AN 234 00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:32,272 IDIOT AND LOSE A TURN. ALL RIGHT. MIA, WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND'S DREAM 235 00:24:32,272 --> 00:24:36,076 VACATION. AT THIS POINT, WHO KNOWS, BUT HE ALWAYS SAID ARUBA. 236 00:24:36,076 --> 00:24:39,913 YES. YES, BABY. FINALLY. 237 00:24:39,913 --> 00:24:45,085 THERE'S THE MAN I MARRIED. UH-HUH. AND WHAT'S THAT LITTLE ASHTRAY? 238 00:24:45,085 --> 00:24:51,791 OH, THAT'S JUST THIS. AS LONG AS YOU'RE STILL HEALTHY. 239 00:24:51,791 --> 00:24:58,631 IF NOT, THEN BIG SURF WITH YOUR SISTER. AFTER YEARS OF CARING FOR YOU 240 00:24:58,631 --> 00:25:03,837 TOGETHER, WE WILL HAVE GROWN CLOSE IN A WAY WE NEVER EXPECTED, AND WHEN WE FINALLY 241 00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:09,909 CLIMAX TOGETHER UNDER THE REDWOODS, WE'LL HOLD EACH OTHER AND WEEP, NOT JUST BECAUSE THE 242 00:25:09,909 --> 00:25:15,582 PLEASURE IS SO INTENSE BUT BECAUSE WE FINALLY FEEL RELIEF FROM OUR TRAGICALLY SHARED 243 00:25:15,582 --> 00:25:21,621 BURDEN. WELL, YOU BOTH SAID ARUBA, THAT FIVE POINTS PUTS YOU OVER THE 244 00:25:21,621 --> 00:25:24,190 TOP. ANDERSONS, YOU HAVE WON OUR GRAND PRIZE. 245 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:30,630 WAIT, WE DID? WE WON, BABY. AND THAT IS AN ALL EXPENSES 246 00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:38,438 PAID TRIP TO BALI'S TEMPLE OF A THOUSAND STEPS. NO! 247 00:25:45,512 --> 00:25:50,917 WHAT IS THAT LADY DOING? SHE ALMOST PLOWED INTO US. LUNATIC. 248 00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:55,889 OH, MY GOD, DAD, DON'T BE SO AWKWARD. SHE ALMOST CAUSED AN ACCIDENT 249 00:25:55,889 --> 00:26:00,026 JUST TO SIT THERE IN BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC. HEY! 250 00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:08,034 HELLO? HEY! HEY! 251 00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:18,511 WHAT? YOU CUT ME OFF. YOU DRIVE CRAZY. 252 00:26:18,511 --> 00:26:24,451 YOU KNOW WHAT? EAT -- EAT ME. EAT ME. 253 00:26:24,451 --> 00:26:33,493 I HAD MY BLINKER ON. THAT'S A LIE. YOU LIE. 254 00:26:33,493 --> 00:26:37,764 SHAME ON YOU. OKAY. EAT -- EAT MY BUTT. 255 00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:50,844 THIS, ALL OF THIS. YOU, YOU ARE A SAD WOMAN. YOU, SAD WOMAN. 256 00:26:50,844 --> 00:26:54,848 OKAY. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND SAY THAT TO MY 257 00:26:54,848 --> 00:27:05,825 FACE? WHY DID YOU MIME A CRANK? NO CARS HAVE THOSE WINDOWS. 258 00:27:05,825 --> 00:27:11,698 POWER WINDOWS NOW. DO THIS. BOOM. 259 00:27:11,698 --> 00:27:14,534 THAT'S GOOD. BOOM. NO. 260 00:27:14,534 --> 00:27:21,241 NO. THIS IS TOO SMALL. IT WOULDN'T READ. 261 00:27:21,241 --> 00:27:29,215 I GUESS. I GUESS. YOU -- YOU ARE SCARED BECAUSE 262 00:27:29,215 --> 00:27:36,389 YOU AREN'T A MAN. YOU'RE NOT A BIG MAN. SHUT UP. 263 00:27:36,389 --> 00:27:41,695 SHUT UP. I AM A MAN. I'M A VERY STRONG MAN! 264 00:27:41,695 --> 00:27:51,338 NO, NO. YOU ARE A LITTLE BITCH. YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH. 265 00:27:51,338 --> 00:27:58,978 IS SHE -- IS SHE USING YOU FOR THE WORD BITCH? THAT IS SO MESSED UP. 266 00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:06,853 YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK! HEY, DON'T -- DON'T DO THAT! 267 00:28:06,853 --> 00:28:15,328 FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU USED TWO HANDS. SECOND OF ALL, JUST DON'T DO IT. 268 00:28:15,328 --> 00:28:20,600 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, BYE. BYE. 269 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:32,412 YOU, NOT WORTH MY TIME. BYE. YOU ARE A GIANT -- THAT'S RIGHT. 270 00:28:32,412 --> 00:28:49,229 WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY IF SHE SAW YOU DO THAT? MY MOM TOLD ME TO DO IT. 271 00:28:49,229 --> 00:29:00,240 SHAME ON YOU. THAT WAS RACIST. NO. 272 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:08,548 DON'T HATE ALL WHITE PEOPLE, JUST YOU. BRAVO. 273 00:29:08,548 --> 00:29:14,254 BRAVO. YOU, BAD PERSON. I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR HUSBAND. 274 00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:19,726 NO HUSBAND. HE WENT BYE BYE. WE SPLIT UP. 275 00:29:19,726 --> 00:29:27,167 OH. ME TOO. WIFE LEFT. 276 00:29:27,167 --> 00:29:33,340 BUT IT'S GOOD. SHE WAS A BITCH. DAD! 277 00:29:33,340 --> 00:29:49,189 RESPECT, RESPECT. HEY, THIS MIGHT BE CRAZY. BUT ARE YOU HUNGRY? 278 00:29:49,189 --> 00:30:00,934 YEAH. I COULD EAT. DO YOU MAYBE WANT TO EAT THIS 279 00:30:00,934 --> 00:30:07,807 BUTT? HUH? EAT THE BUTT. 280 00:30:07,807 --> 00:30:11,411 SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON YOU. YOU SUCK! 281 00:30:11,411 --> 00:30:14,214 YOU SUCK! STOP DOING THAT! STOP IT! 282 00:30:27,127 --> 00:30:34,701 YACHTY. ** * SEX SYMBOL 283 00:30:34,701 --> 00:30:47,180 THE BLACK SEMINOLE A SEX SYMBOL THE BLACK SEMINOLE * 284 00:30:47,180 --> 00:30:55,321 * AFRICAN RAMBO WITH MORE AMMO CAN'T BE ESCAPED 285 00:30:55,321 --> 00:31:00,794 I'M ON EVERY CHANNEL * * WHAT'S WRONG WHAT'S WRONG 286 00:31:00,794 --> 00:31:07,834 MR. MAN * * YOUR EYES ARE LOW AND YOU'RE WALKING 287 00:31:07,834 --> 00:31:13,840 WITH BOTH HANDS ON YOUR HEAD * * HIS RESPONSE 288 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:18,178 HE'S ON A CLEAN CLEAN HIGH* * BOTH FEET 289 00:31:18,178 --> 00:31:27,454 UP ON THE GROUND BUT HIS HEAD'S WAY WAY WAY IN THE SKY * 290 00:31:27,454 --> 00:31:37,263 ** * THE BLACK SEMINOLE A HEAD GENERAL 291 00:31:37,263 --> 00:31:44,904 DISTANT CONNECTIONS A LARGE INTERVAL * * A BLACK MAN WITH 292 00:31:44,904 --> 00:31:56,883 MOUTHS TO FEED EMBRACING EQUALITY THROUGHOUT GREED * 293 00:31:56,883 --> 00:32:05,091 * NO TIME TO JOKE AROUND THE KID IS NOW A MAN AND THE SILENCE IS FILLED 294 00:32:05,091 --> 00:32:14,434 WITH REMARKABLE SOUNDS * * THIS PART I'VE SEEN IN MY DREAMS * 295 00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:26,379 * LOVE IS NOT A LIE IT JUST FEELS LIKE A TARANTINO MOVIE SCENE * 296 00:32:26,379 --> 00:32:39,993 ** ** * EXACTLY * 297 00:32:39,993 --> 00:33:01,748 ** * NOW OH OHH 298 00:33:01,748 --> 00:33:17,530 OHH OHH-OH * * OHH OHH OH-OH OHH OHH-OH OHH-OH OHH-OH 299 00:33:17,530 --> 00:33:34,948 OHH-OHH-OHH OHHH * * EE-HEE EE-HEE OHH-OHH-OHH OHHH * 300 00:33:34,948 --> 00:33:54,534 * EE-HEE EE-HEE OHH-OH * * MM-MM MM 301 00:33:54,534 --> 00:34:14,688 MM-HMM MM MM-HM MM MM-MM-HM * 302 00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:43,483 * YEAH-AH YEAH-AH-AHH YEAH YEAH-HEE * 303 00:34:43,483 --> 00:34:52,692 YEAH YEAH-HEE * * YEAH-AH OHH * 304 00:35:07,140 --> 00:35:16,916 UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 305 00:35:16,916 --> 00:35:21,621 GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. 306 00:35:21,621 --> 00:35:27,327 I'M COLIN JOST. NEW YORK IS FINALLY CRACKING DOWN ON CRIME. 307 00:35:27,327 --> 00:35:33,566 FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WAS INDICTED IN HIS ROLE IN PAYING HUSH MONEY TO STORMY 308 00:35:33,566 --> 00:35:40,073 DANIELS, AND THE TRIAL WILL BE LIKE A STORMY DANIELS MOVIE, BECAUSE I'M DEEPLY ASHAMED AT 309 00:35:40,073 --> 00:35:50,917 HOW EXCITED I AM TO WATCH IT. HIS LAWYER, JOE, WHO HE CALLED JOE TAPIOCA SAID HE WILL NOT BE 310 00:35:50,917 --> 00:36:00,026 PUT IN HAND CUFFS, THOUGH HE WILL WEAR BARACK AWAY HAND CUFF AND A SUPERMAN T-SHIRT. 311 00:36:00,026 --> 00:36:17,510 I'M SURE HE'S HOPING HIS MUG SHOT WILL LOOK COOL LIKE FRANK SINATRA'S. 312 00:36:17,510 --> 00:36:23,149 TRUMP WILL BE ALSO CHARGED WITH FRAUD. PRESIDENT BIDEN ON FRIDAY TOLD 313 00:36:23,149 --> 00:36:31,524 REPORTERS HE HAD NO COMMENT ON TRUMP'S INDICTMENT, AND THEN HE DANCED AWAY LIKE THE SIX FLAGS 314 00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:37,664 GUY. I THINK IN GENERAL, THE PEOPLE MIGHT BE OVERREACTING TO 315 00:36:37,664 --> 00:36:41,468 THIS INDICTMENT. LIKE AN ACTUAL INDICTMENT ON CNN YESTERDAY WAS NOTHING IN 316 00:36:41,468 --> 00:36:47,540 AMERICAN HISTORY APPROACHES THE CHARGES AND POSSIBLE TRIAL AND CONVICTION OF A FORMER 317 00:36:47,540 --> 00:36:55,081 PRESIDENT. A MORE ACCURATE HEADLINE WOULD BE, MAN WE ALL KNEW WAS CRIMINAL 318 00:36:55,081 --> 00:37:01,388 IS CRIMINAL. I WENT DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE TODAY, AND I WAS THE ONLY 319 00:37:01,388 --> 00:37:17,203 PROTESTOR THERE. I TOLD THEM NOT TO LAUGH AT YOU. 320 00:37:17,203 --> 00:37:33,053 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AM I NOT MICCED? THEN I WAS LIKE, OH, I JUST 321 00:37:33,053 --> 00:37:38,558 SUCK. MOVING RIGHT ALONG -- YOU'RE EVIL. 322 00:37:38,558 --> 00:37:44,698 MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN PLANS TO COME TO NEW YORK ON TUESDAY TO PROTEST TRUMP'S INDICTMENT, 323 00:37:44,698 --> 00:37:48,301 BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT TAKES HER THREE DAYS TO PUT ON HER JOKER MAKEUP. 324 00:37:48,301 --> 00:37:53,673 THEY'LL PROBABLY LAUGH AT THIS NEXT ONE. THAT'S THE MEANEST THING 325 00:37:53,673 --> 00:38:06,853 YOU'VE EVER DONE TO ME. I'M COVERED IN SWEAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 326 00:38:06,853 --> 00:38:21,868 DON'T EVEN DARE! DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TRY NOW. FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS 327 00:38:21,868 --> 00:38:38,551 WHO THINKS HE'S GASTON, BUT, GIRL, YOU LeFOU. RON DE -- I'M SHAKING. 328 00:38:38,551 --> 00:38:43,890 RON DeSANTIS SAID FLORIDA OFFICIALS WOULD NOT HELP EXTRADITE TRUMP BACK TO NEW YORK 329 00:38:43,890 --> 00:38:49,829 UNLESS OF COURSE HE AGREES TO TAKE A BUS LOAD OF MIGRANTS WITH HIM. 330 00:38:49,829 --> 00:38:54,567 IN THE WAKE OF THE NATIONAL SHOOTING, PRESIDENT BIDEN ONCE AGAIN CALLED ON CONGRESS TO PASS 331 00:38:54,567 --> 00:39:01,508 AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN, OR, HEAR ME OUT, STOP AND FRISK FOR WHITES. 332 00:39:01,508 --> 00:39:13,453 HOW LONG BEFORE THESE KIDS EARN A STEREO TYPE? CONGRESSMAN ANDY OGLES WHO 333 00:39:13,453 --> 00:39:20,260 RESPECTS THE DISTRICT WHERE THE NASHVILLE SHOOTING TOOK PLACE IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR A CHRISTMAS 334 00:39:20,260 --> 00:39:26,232 CARD WHERE HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE HOLDING ASSAULT RIFLES. WHO ARE YOU PSYCHOS SENDING 335 00:39:26,232 --> 00:39:30,337 THESE CARDS TO? IF I RECEIVED THAT IN THE MAIL, I WOULD MOVE. 336 00:39:30,337 --> 00:39:37,310 ALL THIS CARD TELLS YOU IS I AM ARMED, I HAVE TERRIBLE JUDGMENT, AND I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. 337 00:39:37,310 --> 00:39:44,951 DEMOCRATIC REPRESENTATIVE JAMAL BOWMAN AND THOMAS MASSEY GOT IN A SCREAMING MATCH ON 338 00:39:44,951 --> 00:39:49,689 CAPITOL HILL AFTER HE CALLED THEM COWARDS FOR OPPOSING GUN CONTROL. 339 00:39:49,689 --> 00:39:58,398 IF THERE'S ONE THING REPUBLICANS HAVE, IT'S BIG OLD GUTS. TRUMP HAS ALSO BEEN PROMOTING 340 00:39:58,398 --> 00:40:04,437 A SONG CALLED JUSTICE FOR ALL, WHICH FEATURES HIMSELF AND A CHOIR OF MEN JAILED FOR THEIR 341 00:40:04,437 --> 00:40:09,909 ROLES IN THE JANUARY 6th ATTACK. I FEEL BAD FOR THE JANUARY 6th SINGERS BECAUSE YOU KNOW JAIL 342 00:40:09,909 --> 00:40:15,281 GETS MUCH WORSE WHEN THE OTHER PRISONERS FIND OUT YOU'RE IN AN ACAPELLA GROUP. 343 00:40:15,281 --> 00:40:21,921 LAST WREAK, A FLORIDA PRINCIPAL WAS FORCED TO RESIGN WHEN PARENTS WERE OUTRAGED WHEN 344 00:40:21,921 --> 00:40:28,528 MICHAEL ANGLO'S STATUE WAS REVEALED. HERE TO COMMENT, MICHAEL 345 00:40:28,528 --> 00:40:38,772 ANGELO'S DAVID. HEY. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. 346 00:40:38,772 --> 00:40:43,276 MICHAEL ANGELO'S DAVID. I'M SORRY. I'M OVER HERE. 347 00:40:43,276 --> 00:40:47,681 CAN YOU NOT TURN YOUR HEAD? I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER TRIED. LET'S FIND OUT. 348 00:40:47,681 --> 00:41:02,062 AHH! THAT HURT LIKE HELL. SO DAVID, HOW ARE YOU DEALING 349 00:41:02,062 --> 00:41:08,902 WITH THIS FLORIDA CONTROVERSY? THOSE PARENTS ARE PRETTY UPSET. THOSE PARENTS ARE IGNORANT 350 00:41:08,902 --> 00:41:15,975 PRUDES. I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST SCULPTURE, AND I'M A VERY PRETTY 351 00:41:15,975 --> 00:41:19,946 BOY. SOUNDS LIKE THE PARENTS DIDN'T WANT THE KIDS TO SEE YOUR 352 00:41:19,946 --> 00:41:25,251 PRIVATES. I'M PROUD OF MY TINY PENIS AND BIG STONED PRUNED. 353 00:41:25,251 --> 00:41:31,124 I'M BEAUTIFUL, AND I THINK YOUR AUDIENCE DESERVES TO SEE THAT. NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 354 00:41:31,124 --> 00:41:34,928 WHEREAS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHY? I WANT TO DO THAT. 355 00:41:34,928 --> 00:41:38,965 YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT. ONE PARENT SAID IT WAS PORNOGRAPHIC. 356 00:41:38,965 --> 00:41:41,901 IT'S ART. IT'S NOT PORNOGRAPHY. OKAY, WELL, RIGHT NOW, IT'S 357 00:41:41,901 --> 00:41:47,474 PORNOGRAPHY. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN IT'S ART AGAIN. 358 00:41:47,474 --> 00:41:52,812 THAT'S FINE. IF PEOPLE WANT TO SEE IT, THEY CAN GO TO A MUSEUM IN ITALY OR 359 00:41:52,812 --> 00:41:58,118 LOOK AT IT ONLINE. OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE GUYS. I CAN SEE WHATEVER I NEED TO 360 00:41:58,118 --> 00:42:02,088 ONLINE. THAT'S SAD. LOOK, I AM FROM THE BIBLE, OKAY? 361 00:42:02,088 --> 00:42:10,063 I KILLED GOLIATH WITH A TINY ROCK AND MY TINY DONG OUT. YOU EVER BEEN IN A FIGHT WITH 362 00:42:10,063 --> 00:42:12,165 YOUR DONG OUT? NO. ANSWER ME. 363 00:42:12,165 --> 00:42:16,169 I DID ANSWER YOU. I SAID NO. I'M SERIOUS, CHE. 364 00:42:16,169 --> 00:42:19,172 FIGHT WITH YOUR DONG OUT, YES OR NO? NO. 365 00:42:19,172 --> 00:42:23,610 WELL, YOU SHOULD TRY IT. IT REALLY DISTRACTS THE OTHER GUY. 366 00:42:23,610 --> 00:42:26,112 QUITE A BIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO. 367 00:42:26,112 --> 00:42:32,152 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW IT. I'LL JUST SHOW IT. 368 00:42:32,152 --> 00:42:36,089 PLEASE DON'T, MAN. COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF? 369 00:42:36,089 --> 00:42:45,098 ALL THE BEST ART IS NUDE. ME, NUDE, VENUS DeMILO, NUDE, STATUE OF LIBERTY, SHOWS FEET. 370 00:42:45,098 --> 00:42:49,936 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART IN THE WORLD NEXT 371 00:42:49,936 --> 00:42:54,207 TO YOU AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT. I CAN SEE IT NOW. 372 00:42:54,207 --> 00:42:57,444 AND. I'M NO EXPERT, BUT IT'S KIND OF SMALL. 373 00:42:57,444 --> 00:43:01,548 WELL, MOST PEOPLE SEE IT FROM BELOW. DO YOU WANT TO COME UNDER AND 374 00:43:01,548 --> 00:43:06,920 SEE IT FROM BELOW? NO, I DO NOT. WELL, WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT 375 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:13,259 IT, DO YOU NOTICE HOW THE HAIR UP HERE IS THE SAME DOWN HERE? THAT'S NOT LIKE RIGHT, RIGHT? 376 00:43:13,259 --> 00:43:19,532 IT'S TOO THICK. IT'S LIKE ROCKS, LOOK. DUDE, NO. 377 00:43:19,532 --> 00:43:23,970 DON'T SHOW THAT, PLEASE. IT'S JUST ROCKS. GOD, AMERICANS ARE UPTIGHT. 378 00:43:23,970 --> 00:43:30,710 DID YOU KNOW IN THE ITALIAN VERSION OF SNL YOU CAN SHOW FULL PENETRATION? 379 00:43:30,710 --> 00:43:42,522 WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU WANT TO SHOW IT SO BAD, JUST SHOW IT. 380 00:43:42,522 --> 00:43:51,965 WE'RE ALL WATCHING. WELL, NOW I'M SHY. MICHAEL ANGELO'S DAVID, 381 00:43:51,965 --> 00:43:54,367 MICHAEL ANGELO'S DAVID, EVERYBODY. GET OUT OF HERE! 382 00:43:56,970 --> 00:44:02,876 FEATURE CALLED PAY LATER THAT LETS USERS SPREAD OUT PAYMENTS FOR APPS OVER THE COURSE OF SIX 383 00:44:02,876 --> 00:44:07,814 WEEKS. THIS HAS ALSO LAUNCHED MY NEW FAVORITE INSULT, YO MAMA IS SO 384 00:44:07,814 --> 00:44:13,787 POOR, SHE PUT CANDY CRUSH ON LA AWAY. AFTER A RECENT CHEMICAL SPILL 385 00:44:13,787 --> 00:44:19,159 IN THE DELAWARE RIVER, PHILADELPHIA OFFICIALS SAY THE CITY'S DRINKING WATER IS FINALLY 386 00:44:19,159 --> 00:44:27,667 SAFE, UNLESS IT'S BEING HANDED TO YOU BY THIS PHILADELPHIAN. YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE SAFETY 387 00:44:27,667 --> 00:44:32,472 PRECAUTIONS? CUP NOODLES HAS INTRODUCED A BREAKFAST VERSION OF THEIR 388 00:44:32,472 --> 00:44:40,947 INSTANT RAMON. THE FLAVOR WILL BE CALLED, "MOM LEFT." 389 00:44:40,947 --> 00:44:47,921 I LIKE THIS CROWD A LOT, MAN. YEAH. YEAH, ME TOO. 390 00:44:47,921 --> 00:44:57,731 AGREED. AN 89-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE MAN HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED AS THE OLDEST 391 00:44:57,731 --> 00:45:05,038 MALE SURFER EVER. HE TRULY EMBODIES THE SURFING LIFESTYLE BECAUSE EVERY PART OF 392 00:45:05,038 --> 00:45:10,310 HIS BODY HANGS LOOSE. NEW YORK CITY IS EXPECTED TO END THE WINTER WITH THE LOWEST 393 00:45:10,310 --> 00:45:19,486 SNOWFALL ON RECORD. YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH. NEW YORK CITY FIRE DEPARTMENT 394 00:45:19,486 --> 00:45:28,528 RESCUED FIVE CHILDREN WHO GOT THEMSELVES LOST IN THE STATEN ISLAND SUER SYSTEM. 395 00:45:28,528 --> 00:45:33,566 IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE A PLACE THAT FILTHY AND DISGUSTING HAS A SUER SYSTEM. 396 00:45:33,566 --> 00:45:38,772 BUILD A BEAR HAS INTRODUCED A NEW RUE PAUL DOLL. AND HONESTLY, AFTER A FEW BEERS, 397 00:45:38,772 --> 00:45:46,846 I WOULD. NEW YORK CITY OFFICIALS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL STOP CALLING 398 00:45:46,846 --> 00:45:52,185 THE CITY'S PARK BATHROOMS COMFORT STATIONS AND WILL INSTEAD CALL THEM THE MORE 399 00:45:52,185 --> 00:46:08,568 ACCURATE STANK SHACKS. SAVED A MAN AFTER HE INSERTED A WATER GLASS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR 400 00:46:08,568 --> 00:46:14,307 SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, AND IT GOT STUFF. I THINK HE FELT POSITIVE ABOUT 401 00:46:14,307 --> 00:46:19,346 THE EXPERIENCE BECAUSE HE SAID THE GLASS WAS HALF FULL. THE FIRST MARIJUANA 402 00:46:19,346 --> 00:46:25,919 DISPENSARY OWNED BY A WOMAN HAS OPENED IN QUEENS NEW YORK. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY HAD TO SHUT 403 00:46:25,919 --> 00:46:34,494 DOWN BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T OPEN THE WEED JARS ON HER OWN. SIMMER DOWN. 404 00:46:34,494 --> 00:46:40,934 A SPERM DONOR IN THE NETHERLANDS WHO ALLEGEDLY FATHERED MORE THAN 500 CHILDREN IS BEING SUED FOR 405 00:46:40,934 --> 00:46:44,404 INCREASING THE RISK OF ACCIDENTAL INCEST AMONG THE KIDS. 406 00:46:44,404 --> 00:46:49,976 ACCIDENTAL INCEST IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST AMERICAN PIE SEQUEL. 407 00:46:52,379 --> 00:46:56,616 WELL, GUYS, IT'S APRIL, AND THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, THE CELEBRATION OF SHORT MEN THAT 408 00:46:56,616 --> 00:47:03,023 THE INTERNET HAS DUBBED SHORT KING SPRING. HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR VERY OWN 409 00:47:03,023 --> 00:47:08,261 SHORT KING, MARCELLO HERNANDEZ. HEY, COLIN. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. 410 00:47:08,261 --> 00:47:12,665 HEY, MARCELLO. THANKS FOR BEING HERE. CAN YOU WALK US THROUGH WHAT IT 411 00:47:12,665 --> 00:47:18,538 MEANS TO BE A SHORT KING? COLIN, IT'S BASICALLY SOMETHING WOMEN SAY AS IF IT'S A 412 00:47:18,538 --> 00:47:31,251 COMPLIMENT. BUT IT'S KIND OF CONDESCENDING. WELL, IF IT HELPS, I NEVER 413 00:47:31,251 --> 00:47:36,056 THOUGHT OF YOU AS A SHORT MAN, AND YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. I KNOW I'M SHORT. 414 00:47:36,056 --> 00:47:43,763 WHEN I LIE ABOUT MY HEIGHT, I SAY I'M 5'9", WHICH MEANS I'M REALLY 5'7" 1/2, AND I'M LYING 415 00:47:43,763 --> 00:47:48,201 ABOUT THE HALF. WHAT HEIGHT DO YOU SAY, COLIN? I'M 6 FEET. 416 00:47:48,201 --> 00:47:53,773 SO YOU'RE 5'9"? NO, I'M 6 FEET. IF YOU WERE 6 FEET, YOU WOULD 417 00:47:53,773 --> 00:47:58,745 SAY 6'2". I'M EXACTLY 6 FEET. THEN LET'S STAND BACK TO 418 00:47:58,745 --> 00:48:01,715 BACK. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. INTERESTING. 419 00:48:01,715 --> 00:48:07,554 COLIN, SHORT INC. CANS LIKE US SHOULD BE PROUD OF OUR HERITAGE. WE COME FROM A LONG LINE OF 420 00:48:07,554 --> 00:48:19,065 GREATS, KEVIN HART, BRUNO MARS, PRINCE, THE MINIONS, AL PACINO, MARK WAHLBERG, JACK BLACK, YODA, 421 00:48:19,065 --> 00:48:26,439 TOM HOLLAND, LIL WANE, RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME, MARTIN SHORT, AGAIN, RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME. 422 00:48:26,439 --> 00:48:32,879 BEETHOVEN, THE COMPOSER, WAS 5'6", AND THE DOG WAS EVEN SHORTER. 423 00:48:32,879 --> 00:48:37,784 GREAT TO KNOW. I THINK WE GET IT. NOW LET'S THINK OF SOME TALL 424 00:48:37,784 --> 00:48:44,958 GUYS. OSAMA BIN LADEN IS 6'4", ARMIE HAMMER, 7'3". 425 00:48:44,958 --> 00:48:49,195 ARMIE HAMMER IS NOT 7'3". OKAY. SORRY, I FORGOT YOU TWO WERE 426 00:48:49,195 --> 00:48:57,637 FRIENDS. WE'RE FRIENDLY. YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING 427 00:48:57,637 --> 00:49:06,012 ABOUT TALL MEN IS WHEN THEY SAY HELLO TO US PETITE PRINCES. THEY GO LOW AND USE A BABY 428 00:49:06,012 --> 00:49:10,050 VOICE. THEY GO, HEY, MAN, EVERYTHING GOOD DOWN THERE. 429 00:49:10,050 --> 00:49:15,355 AND WHEN THEY'RE DONE TALKING TO YOU, IT FEELS LIKE THEY SAY IT, WHEN THEY'RE DONE TALKING, THEY 430 00:49:15,355 --> 00:49:22,696 GO, ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO BACK UP. COLIN, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS 431 00:49:22,696 --> 00:49:27,167 US TINY TITANS, WE GOT TO STICK -- STOP SAYING US. 432 00:49:27,167 --> 00:49:29,736 THEN STAND BACK TO BACK WITH ME. NO. 433 00:49:29,736 --> 00:49:33,707 OKAY. WELL, LOOK, SHORT KINGS, WE WERE BORN KINGS. 434 00:49:33,707 --> 00:49:37,444 WE'VE BECOME KINGS. WE'VE DONE THE WORK. WE LEARNED HOW TO DANCE, NOT 435 00:49:37,444 --> 00:49:46,786 BECAUSE WE WANTED TO BUT BECAUSE WE HAD TO. TALL GUYS LIKE MICHAEL CHE DON'T 436 00:49:46,786 --> 00:49:51,958 GOT TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE. THEY STAND AT THE BACK OF THE PARTY LIKE -- MEANWHILE, YOU AND 437 00:49:51,958 --> 00:49:56,262 ME ARE ON THE DANCE FLOOR WORKING, COLIN. NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO BUT 438 00:49:56,262 --> 00:50:03,003 BECAUSE WE HAD TO. AGAIN, I'M 6 FEET TALL. YEAH, YOU'RE A TOWER. 439 00:50:03,003 --> 00:50:07,841 ANYWAY. FOR ALL MY SHORT KINGS WATCHING AT HOME, STAY STRONG, LIVE 440 00:50:07,841 --> 00:50:12,979 LARGE, AND BE PROUD OF THE TINY LITTLE PERSON THAT YOU ARE. SO LET'S SHOW THEM, COLIN. 441 00:50:12,979 --> 00:50:17,350 STAND UP AND GO BACK TO BACK WITH ME. FOR THE LAST TIME, I CAN'T DO 442 00:50:17,350 --> 00:50:20,820 THAT. WHY NOT? BECAUSE, MARCELLO, I'M 443 00:50:20,820 --> 00:50:28,828 ALREADY STANDING. I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! 444 00:50:28,828 --> 00:50:38,405 MARCELLO SHORT KING HERNANDEZ. I'M COLIN JOST. 445 00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:51,851 OKAY, MRS. MURPHY, YOUR CONTRACTIONS ARE 30 SECONDS APART. 446 00:50:51,851 --> 00:50:56,823 THIS BABY IS COMING. BUT I'M NOT DUE FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS. 447 00:50:56,823 --> 00:51:01,861 I KNOW IT'S SCARY, BUT LISTEN TO ME AND BREATHE. WHAT ABOUT MY MIDWIFE? 448 00:51:01,861 --> 00:51:07,634 HE'S ON HIS WAY. I NEED HIM HERE! CLEAR A PATH, CLEAR A PATH. 449 00:51:07,634 --> 00:51:15,842 I'M THE MIDWIFE. BARRY, THANK GOD. THIS IS MY MIDWIFE BARRY. 450 00:51:15,842 --> 00:51:20,747 NICE TO MEET YOU, BARRY. ACTUALLY, WE'VE MET. I'M SORRY. 451 00:51:20,747 --> 00:51:29,389 OF COURSE. IT IS NICE TO SEE YOU. SO SHE'S ALREADY DILATED 10 452 00:51:29,389 --> 00:51:36,396 CENTIMETERS, WE'VE GOT TO MOVE FAST. DO YOU REALLY NOT REMEMBER 453 00:51:36,396 --> 00:51:40,166 ME? SHE'S CROWNING. WE MET AT DANIELLE'S 454 00:51:40,166 --> 00:51:42,469 BARBECUE. CAN YOU ASK HER ABOUT THIS LATER? 455 00:51:42,469 --> 00:51:48,842 FOR SURE. IT WAS THE BARBECUE BEFORE THE MACKLEMORE CONCERT? 456 00:51:48,842 --> 00:51:55,382 SO WE MET IN 2012 ONE TIME? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ONE TIME? REALLY? 457 00:51:55,382 --> 00:52:07,694 HOW COME WHILE YOU WERE BEING DEFENSIVE, I WAS DELIVERING THIS BABY? 458 00:52:07,694 --> 00:52:14,067 PUSH, MRS. SULLIVAN, PUSH. IS MY MIDWIFE HERE YET? CLEAR A PATH. 459 00:52:14,067 --> 00:52:17,971 IT'S BARRY, THE MIDWIFE. THAT'S HIM. THANK GOD. 460 00:52:17,971 --> 00:52:21,207 BARRY, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. AGAIN? 461 00:52:21,207 --> 00:52:25,578 OH, HAVE WE MET? ARE YOU SERIOUS? YEAH. 462 00:52:25,578 --> 00:52:28,748 NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I PROMISE YOU HAVE. 463 00:52:28,748 --> 00:52:32,819 WE MET AT THIS HOSPITAL IN THIS EXACT ROOM. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS? 464 00:52:32,819 --> 00:52:37,190 TO EMBARRASS ME? WE'VE NEVER MET. GIRL, RESPECT YOURSELF. 465 00:52:37,190 --> 00:52:40,560 WHAT'S GOING ON? DON'T WORRY. I'LL EXPLAIN. 466 00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:47,100 BARRY IS PRETENDING NOT TO REMEMBER DR. ROGERS BECAUSE THREE YEARS AGO SHE DIDN'T 467 00:52:47,100 --> 00:52:51,104 REMEMBER MEETING HIM AT A BARBECUE. BEFORE A MACKLEMORE CONCERT. 468 00:52:51,104 --> 00:53:00,347 MACKLEMORE? YOU REALLY REMEMBER ME. I'M CURIOUS AS TO WHY. 469 00:53:00,347 --> 00:53:08,555 ANYWAY, WHILE YOU WERE BEING DR. GASLIGHT, I WAS DELIVERING THIS BABY. 470 00:53:08,555 --> 00:53:15,095 THANKS FOR HAVING US AT YOUR BARBECUE, DANIELLE. NO PROBLEM. 471 00:53:15,095 --> 00:53:19,299 I WISH YOU COULD COME TO THE MACKLEMORE CONCERT LATER. I CAN'T. 472 00:53:19,299 --> 00:53:22,068 I HAVE WORK. THAT'S WHY I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS. 473 00:53:22,068 --> 00:53:26,139 CLEAR A PATH FOR BARRY THE HUNGRY MIDWIFE. HI, I'M JILL. 474 00:53:26,139 --> 00:53:30,677 IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU TOO. WOW, YOU LOVE YOUR HAIR. 475 00:53:30,677 --> 00:53:34,647 I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO LONG. REALLY? I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD 476 00:53:34,647 --> 00:53:37,517 IDEA. I WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU IF I SAW YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE. 477 00:53:37,517 --> 00:53:57,504 IS THAT A THREAT? MRS. MURPHY, LONG TIME NO SEE. 478 00:53:57,504 --> 00:53:59,706 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS BABY NUMBER TWO. I KNOW. 479 00:53:59,706 --> 00:54:05,378 LIFE HAPPENS SO FAST. OH, AND THIS IS MY MIDWIFE. YOU GUYS REMEMBER EACH OTHER, 480 00:54:05,378 --> 00:54:13,420 RIGHT? ACTUALLY, WE DO. I'M SO SORRY, DR. ROGERS. 481 00:54:13,420 --> 00:54:19,359 I OWE YOU AN APOLL. I PRETENDED NOT TO REMEMBER YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER ME, 482 00:54:19,359 --> 00:54:24,130 AND IT MADE ME SO FURIOUS. I'M SORRY, BARRY. I FELT SO BAD THAT I DIDN'T 483 00:54:24,130 --> 00:54:30,270 REMEMBER YOU, IT MADE ME FEEL EMBARRASSED. ARE YOU SERIOUS? 484 00:54:30,270 --> 00:54:36,910 I WAS BEING AN EMOTIONAL JERK. OH, MY GOD. DID WE MISS IT? 485 00:54:36,910 --> 00:54:39,646 HONEY, WE GOT HERE AS FAST AS WE COULD. IT'S OKAY. 486 00:54:39,646 --> 00:54:44,551 THIS IS MY HUSBAND AND MY FIRST DAUGHTER KAYLA, YOU DELIVERED HER. 487 00:54:44,551 --> 00:54:49,289 HI, KAYLA! NICE TO MEET YOU. ACTUALLY, WE'VE MET. 488 00:54:49,289 --> 00:54:54,828 ACTUALLY, WE'VE MET. WELL, THEN IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, OKAY? 489 00:55:10,043 --> 00:55:28,461 ** ** ** 490 00:55:28,461 --> 00:55:35,769 * IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT ME IT'S A WASTE OF TIME YOU WANT THE KIND OF LOVE 491 00:55:35,769 --> 00:55:46,179 THAT CAN MAKE A CHILD * * DON'T WANT JUST ANYBODY MM YEAH * 492 00:55:46,179 --> 00:55:49,949 * GOOD LOVE FILLS MY BODY UP LIKE A GLASS WHEN YOU POUR IT ALL OUT * 493 00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,652 * IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW I MIND SOMEONE LIKE ME 494 00:55:52,652 --> 00:55:56,556 IS HARD TO FIND * * NOT MISTAKEN IF I'M THERE 495 00:55:56,556 --> 00:56:02,529 WELL AWARE YOU ARE ALWAYS MINE * * AND STILL 496 00:56:02,529 --> 00:56:12,305 YOU SEEM SO SURPRISED WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS GON' BE MINE * 497 00:56:12,305 --> 00:56:18,845 * I WANNA BE WHERE YOU ARE I JUST CAN'T WALK AWAY YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY AH 498 00:56:18,845 --> 00:56:23,183 I LOSE IT LOSE IT * * AND I WANNA BE WHERE YOU ARE 499 00:56:23,183 --> 00:56:29,723 I JUST CAN'T WALK AWAY * * YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY AH I LOSE IT LOSE IT * 500 00:56:29,723 --> 00:56:37,330 * IMAGINE ME CIRCLIN' THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT A PIECE OF YOU * 501 00:56:37,330 --> 00:56:40,633 * SEVEN OUT OF SEVEN DAYS I'M NEEDIN' YOU YOU BRIN' LIFE 502 00:56:40,633 --> 00:56:50,477 TO THE PARTY * * MM-MM AH AH AH GOOD LOVE FEELS LIKE 503 00:56:50,477 --> 00:56:53,747 BUTTERFLIES SUFFOCATIN' YOUR INSIDES * * OH IT'S A LATE NIGHT 504 00:56:53,747 --> 00:56:57,083 YOU KNOW I TRY I CANNOT PICTURE WHEN YOU RIDE * 505 00:56:57,083 --> 00:57:00,286 * I'M MISTAKEN THINKIN' YOU WERE TAKEN KNOWIN' NOW 506 00:57:00,286 --> 00:57:11,164 YOU WERE ALWAYS MINE * * AND STILL YOU SEEM SO SURPRISE ED 507 00:57:11,164 --> 00:57:19,105 WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS GON' BE MINE * ** 508 00:57:19,105 --> 00:57:33,787 * YEAH YEAH YEAH MM HMM MM HMM-MM * 509 00:57:33,787 --> 00:57:44,831 ** * RARELY EVER MISSIN' TALK IS CHEAP 510 00:57:44,831 --> 00:57:48,601 AND TIME IS TICKIN' * * RARELY EVER TRICKIN' CATCH ME SLIPPIN' 511 00:57:48,601 --> 00:57:56,343 IN WHAT'S LEAKIN' * * I'M ON MISSION PAYIN' MILLIONS 512 00:57:56,343 --> 00:57:59,713 I'M TAKING YOU OUT TO EAT OKAY OKAY OKAY * * OUT LATE NIGHT 513 00:57:59,713 --> 00:58:01,881 I'M SINNIN' STILL A CHRISTIAN DON'T TELL MY DEACON * 514 00:58:01,881 --> 00:58:07,821 * I MEAN PASTOR OIL HER DOWN NOT TALKIN' CASTOR * 515 00:58:07,821 --> 00:58:10,023 * RIDIN' 'ROUND WITH SIX-SEVEN WITH NO TINT YOU CAN TELL I'M PIMPIN' * 516 00:58:10,023 --> 00:58:18,031 * BIG FOUR-FIVE ON MY HIP LOOK LIKE I'M LIMPIN' ALWAYS SIMPIN * 517 00:58:18,031 --> 00:58:19,833 * ONE OF MY COUSINS CRIPPIN' ALWAYS GRIPPIN' STUFF GET DANGEROUS * 518 00:58:19,833 --> 00:58:21,568 * ALWAYS KEEP IT PLAYER WE CAN SWAP OUT SWAP OUT SWAP OUT SWAP OUT 519 00:58:21,568 --> 00:58:28,274 * OKAY ONLY LOVE MY MOTHER MY SISTER MY DAUGHTER * 520 00:58:28,274 --> 00:58:34,447 * ALL Y'ALL GET SLAUGHTERED, CAN'T BE MINE PRAY TO THE FATHER * 521 00:58:34,447 --> 00:58:48,061 * MM HM MMM HMM MM-HM * 522 00:58:48,061 --> 00:59:00,607 MM-HM * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 523 00:59:07,047 --> 00:59:12,152 MONTH HERE BEEN? IT'S BEEN GREAT. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WORKING HERE. 524 00:59:12,152 --> 00:59:16,056 WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THIS A BIG DEAL. 525 00:59:16,056 --> 00:59:21,394 I THINK DANIELS HAS BEEN WEIRD TO ME. HE'S ALWAYS BEEN COOL TO ME. 526 00:59:21,394 --> 00:59:26,433 IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. HEY, MURPHY, HOW ARE YOU? 527 00:59:26,433 --> 00:59:31,504 HOW ARE THE KIDS? THEY'RE GOOD. JUST SENT MY OLDEST OFF TO PENN 528 00:59:31,504 --> 00:59:36,543 STATE. GOSH, THAT MUST BE HARD -- ON THE OLD BANK ACCOUNT. 529 00:59:36,543 --> 00:59:45,251 AND WE HITTING THE LINKS LATER OR WHAT, BUDDY? 5:00 ON THE DOT, DANIELS. 530 00:59:45,251 --> 00:59:56,429 LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. AND SIMMONS, BIG BUTT, SETTING OFF THE PENIS ALARM. 531 00:59:56,429 --> 01:00:02,035 MURPHY, YOU GET THAT REPORT INTO ME BY MONDAY OR WHAT? ABSOLUTELY. 532 01:00:02,035 --> 01:00:08,641 AND BEFORE I FORGET, WE GOT A COMPANY WIDE ZOOM MEETING AT 6:00 WHERE I'LL BE ZOOMING IN ON 533 01:00:08,641 --> 01:00:19,452 THOSE BOOBIES. COMPUTER ENHANCE, ENGAGING X-RAY VISION. 534 01:00:19,452 --> 01:00:26,026 HOUSTON, WE HAVE NIPPLE! MURPHY, LISTEN, THAT TURNER FILE IS NOT GOING TO FILE 535 01:00:26,026 --> 01:00:30,296 ITSELF, ALL RIGHT? SO YOU GUYS SAW THAT, RIGHT? SAW WHAT? 536 01:00:30,296 --> 01:00:35,669 DANIELS, WHEN HE TALKED TO ME, HE DID AN IMPRESSION OF A SEX COMPUTER. 537 01:00:35,669 --> 01:00:40,473 I THOUGHT HE WAS BEING GOOFY, BUT I'M OLD SCHOOL. IF YOU'RE HAVING A PROBLEM 538 01:00:40,473 --> 01:00:44,577 WITH HIM, YOU CAN ALWAYS TALK TO BENSON. BENSON? 539 01:00:44,577 --> 01:00:47,080 REALLY? TOTALLY. HE'S BEEN HERE FOREVER. 540 01:00:47,080 --> 01:00:52,552 HE JUST GETS IT. SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL. LOOKY HERE, ALL OF MY 541 01:00:52,552 --> 01:00:56,389 FAVORITE PEOPLE. HOW ARE YOU? I WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR 542 01:00:56,389 --> 01:01:00,226 SHOWING UP TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S FOOD DRIVE. IT MEANT THE WORLD. 543 01:01:00,226 --> 01:01:06,299 ANYTHING FOR YOU, BENSON. WE FED 500 FAMILIES IN NEED BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS. 544 01:01:06,299 --> 01:01:12,072 I MEAN, SIMMONS, I KNOW IT MEANT THE WORLD TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER THAT YOU BROUGHT THOSE. 545 01:01:12,072 --> 01:01:16,876 THOSE WHAT? WHY, THOSE BIG BUTTERED YAMS, OF COURSE. 546 01:01:16,876 --> 01:01:23,083 WHAT I WOULD DO TO JUMP OFF A DIVING BOARD AND CANNON BALL INTO THAT CLEAVAGE. 547 01:01:23,083 --> 01:01:25,318 HELP! I'M DROWNING! BUT DON'T SAVE ME, I WANT TO DIE 548 01:01:25,318 --> 01:01:32,092 IN THERE. ALL RIGHT, TEAM, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, GIVE ME A CALL. 549 01:01:32,092 --> 01:01:36,696 I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS. I WOULD EVEN ADOPT THOSE 550 01:01:36,696 --> 01:01:45,372 GORGEOUS TWINS AND RAISE THEM IN A HOTEL LIKE ZACK AND CODY. DUTY CALLS, SEE YOU GUYS LATER. 551 01:01:45,372 --> 01:01:49,109 LOVE YOU GUYS. LOVE YOU, MAN. YOU GUYS NOTICED THAT, RIGHT? 552 01:01:49,109 --> 01:01:54,814 I WANT TO SAY YES SO YOU DON'T FEEL CRAZY, BUT NO. HOW? 553 01:01:54,814 --> 01:02:03,623 THIS IS INSANE. I'M HEATHER FROM HR, AND IF ANYONE IS MAKING YOU 554 01:02:03,623 --> 01:02:09,062 UNCOMFORTABLE, WE WILL HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW IN A COMPANY-WIDE MEETING. 555 01:02:09,062 --> 01:02:14,067 THANK YOU. BUT FIRST, WE HAVE A MUSICAL PERFORMANCE FROM THE PENIS 556 01:02:14,067 --> 01:02:16,569 BROTHERS. WHAT IS GOING ON? COME ON, Y'ALL. 557 01:02:16,569 --> 01:02:26,279 THIS ONE GOES OUT TO OUR TWO FAVORITE LADIES. SIMMONS LEFT, AND SIMMONS RIGHT, 558 01:02:26,279 --> 01:02:30,283 Y'ALL. OH, MY GOD, THE PENIS BROTHERS. 559 01:02:30,283 --> 01:02:38,458 THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, THE BROTHERS BONGO BOOB EXPERIENCE. 560 01:02:38,458 --> 01:02:50,503 ** HOW IS IT MAKING THAT SOUND? MURPHY, YOU GOT THAT FILE FOR 561 01:02:50,503 --> 01:02:56,109 ME OR WHAT? HEY, I DO, DANIELS. BY THE WAY, I GOT AN EMAIL FROM 562 01:02:56,109 --> 01:03:00,080 BY THE WAY, I GOT AN EMAIL FROM CORPORATE, AND YOU'RE BOTH FIRED. 563 01:03:10,357 --> 01:03:16,930 THE MELTING POT OF OVER THREE CULTURES, AND FOOD IS ITS UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE. 564 01:03:16,930 --> 01:03:21,134 MY NAME IS ROCCO. HEAVY CAT. AND MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP. 565 01:03:21,134 --> 01:03:26,406 WE MOVED HERE FOR COLLEGE, AND WE'VE BEEN HERE EVER SINCE EXCEPT FOR COVID. 566 01:03:26,406 --> 01:03:31,311 TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU OUR NEW YORK, THE REAL NEW YORK, ONE BITE AT A TIME. 567 01:03:31,311 --> 01:03:37,717 THIS IS STREET EATS. TODAY, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF JAMAICAN PART OF THE CITY, 568 01:03:37,717 --> 01:03:42,655 JAMAICAN QUEEN, AND WE ARE ON THE HUNT FOR SOME AUTHENTIC JERK CHICKEN. 569 01:03:42,655 --> 01:03:55,535 AND QUEENS MAKE SOME NOISE! RICE, THE STINKING MAN'S CHIPS. 570 01:03:55,535 --> 01:03:59,339 WHAT THE HELL ARE Y'ALL DOING? WE'RE JUST HERE TO FIND OUT 571 01:03:59,339 --> 01:04:03,043 WHAT JA-MAKES YOUR FOOD SO SPECIAL. GOT IT. 572 01:04:03,043 --> 01:04:07,180 SO Y'ALL JUST MOVED HERE FOR CONNECTICUT, RIGHT? YOU HAVE TO STOP YELLING. 573 01:04:07,180 --> 01:04:12,919 WELL, I NOTICED YOU WERE SELLING DELICIOUS JAMAICAN FOOD, BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT 574 01:04:12,919 --> 01:04:16,289 JAMAICAN. TELL US ABOUT THAT. NO, I'M JAMAICAN. 575 01:04:16,289 --> 01:04:26,066 HOW WOULD THAT BE -- SPOTS LIKE THAT ARE EXACTLY WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO GREAT. 576 01:04:26,066 --> 01:04:33,073 TACO, OH, SPICY. SO YOU WANT JERK CHICKEN WITH NO CAYENNE, NO CUMIN, SALT, 577 01:04:33,073 --> 01:04:36,710 PEPPER? NOPE, CAN'T DO IT. SO YOU JUST WANT A BLANK ASS 578 01:04:36,710 --> 01:04:42,716 PIECE OF CHICKEN? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? IN NEW YORK. 579 01:04:42,716 --> 01:04:50,190 NEXT, WE DECIDED TO HIT UP A NEW YORK STAPLE, SO WE HEADED ALL THE WAY UP AND WE WALKED 580 01:04:50,190 --> 01:04:53,860 HERE BECAUSE WE COULD NOT FIND THE ONE SAY. KEEP GOING THIS WAY? 581 01:04:53,860 --> 01:05:01,267 RULE NUMBER ONE, YOU'VE GOT TO ORDER LIKE A NEW YORKER. HEY, YO, BOSS, LET ME GET SOME 582 01:05:01,267 --> 01:05:06,239 MAYO AND BREAD. HEY, THERE'S A LINE. I GOT IT. 583 01:05:06,239 --> 01:05:15,648 HEY, FORGET ABOUT -- MY FATHER IS A LAWYER! CAN'T CUT THE LINE, MAN. 584 01:05:15,648 --> 01:05:20,920 WE'VE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY. WELL, I HOPE THE BUILDING YOU'RE WORKING ON EXPLODES. 585 01:05:20,920 --> 01:05:29,796 THEY HATED US THERE. BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE FRIENDS IN THAT FAKE JAMAICAN LADY. 586 01:05:29,796 --> 01:05:35,301 SHE LOVED US. I HATED THEM, BUT I READ THE COMMENTS ON THEIR VIDEOS, AND NO 587 01:05:35,301 --> 01:05:41,775 ONE SHOULD HAVE TO READ THAT ABOUT THEMSELVES. THE NICEST ONE I SAW SAID GAY 588 01:05:41,775 --> 01:05:45,111 FAIL. I MADE THEM SOME PLAIN ASS CHICKEN, AND THEY LOVED IT. 589 01:05:45,111 --> 01:05:47,847 AUTHENTIC JERK CHICKEN. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK DAY. 590 01:05:47,847 --> 01:05:58,358 WE HAD SOME CHICKEN. NO ONE CAN DO IT LIKE US. NEW YORK! 591 01:06:04,030 --> 01:06:18,244 AND THEIR INCREDIBLE BAND. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO MY ENTIRE CAST THAT DID A 592 01:06:18,244 --> 01:06:27,253 WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL -- THEY DID IT -- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? PANEL WITHOUT ME TODAY BECAUSE I 593 01:06:27,253 --> 01:06:34,094 WAS HOSTING SNL. I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY AT ABBOTT ELEMENTARY FOR HELPING ME 594 01:06:34,094 --> 01:06:37,831 GET HERE. THANK YOU TO MY FANS AND FAMILY, WHO SOME OF THEM ARE HERE 595 01:06:37,831 --> 01:06:41,668 TONIGHT. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO THIS INCREDIBLE CREW, THE PEOPLE AT 596 01:06:41,668 --> 01:06:47,807 SNL WORK SO HARD, AND THEY ARE UNREAL, AND THEY DO IT EVERY WEEK, AND IT'S NUTS, THE CAST, 597 01:06:47,807 --> 01:06:58,785 UNREAL, AND THEY DO IT EVERY WEEK, AND IT'S NUTS, THE CAST, THE EW, IT'S INCREDIBLCRE.