Announcer: AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP.
HELLO. THANK YOU. IT'S ME.
HI. I'M THE PROBLEM. IT'S ME.
WELL, FOLKS, IT HAPPENED. I GOT INDICTED, OR AS I SPELL IT, INDICATED.
AND FRANKLY, IT'S TIME THAT I COME CLEAN, ADMIT THAT I BROKE THE LAW, AND GO QUIETLY TO
PRISON. APRIL FOOLS! THAT WAS A PRANK.
I WAS DOING A JIM FROM OFFICE. BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, WHAT THE RADICAL LEFT DEMOCRATS ARE DOING
TO ME IS WORSE THAN ANY CRIME I'VE EVER COMMITTED, AND I'VE COMMITTED A LOT, CLOSE TO 34.
SOME ARE SAY I'M GOING TO USE THIS INDICTMENT TO RILE UP MY BASE SO THAT THEY GIVE ME MORE
MONEY. NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM MY BASE EXCEPT THEIR LOVE, THEIR VOTES, PERHAPS THEIR MONEY.
AND I NEED THEIR MONEY MORE THAN EVER. NOW YOU MAY HAVE SEEN I'VE BEEN
OPENING MY RALLIES WITH MY WONDERFUL SONG, "JUSTICE FOR ALL" WHICH I PERFORMED WITH THE
J-6 CHOIR. THAT'S A REAL THING. VERY DISTURBING.
IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE DOWNLOADED SONG. WE BEAT "FLOWERS" BY MILEY,
WHICH AS WE ALL KNOW IS ABOUT LIAM. BUT MY SONG RAKED IN SO MUCH
CASH, I THOUGHT WHY STOP THERE. THAT'S WHY I'M PUTTING OUT MY NEW ALBUM, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I
CALL MY LEGAL DEFENSE FUND", AKA, TRUMP BOPS, AND I'M BRINGING ALL THE THINGS
* THAT AIN'T NOTHING, BUT DRUGSTORE LOVING * * HEY, LITTLE THINGS, LET ME
LIGHT YOUR CANDLE * WOW, WHAT A DEAL. JUST 30 CLASSIC OTHERS, ALL
HORRIBLE. SUNG BY YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT TO DEFEND OUR MOVEMENT, AND
MOSTLY MYSELF, FROM THE EVIL MANHATTAN DA. THAT MEANS DISTRICT ATTORNEY.
BUT I'M A FIGHTER, AND SPEAKING OF FIGHTING AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FIGHTERS, HERE'S MY FRIEND
DON KING. HEY, EVERYBODY. WHAT Y'ALL DOING TO THIS MAN IS
A TRAGEDY. SOMEBODY WITH THE BIG HAIR MURDERED A GUY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. * ISLANDS IN THE STREAM, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE, NO ONE IN BETWEEN,
HOW CAN WE BE WRONG * WE'RE NOT WRONG. I'VE NEVER BEEN WRONG.
* MAKING LOVE TO EACH OTHER, UH-HUH * DON KING, EVERYBODY.
SPEAKING OF LOVE, ME AND THE FIRST LADY, MELANIA, ARE IN HIGH SPIRITS.
SINCE THE NEWS OF MY POSSIBLE IMPRISONMENT, I'VE NEVER SEEN MELANIA HAPPIER.
SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, SECOND ONLY TO PERHAPS MANY YOUNGER, HOTTER
WOMEN. BUT WE LIKE HER. ALSO JUST TO SET THE RECORD
STRAIGHT, I DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH STORMY DANIELS, BUT IN MANY WAYS, I DID.
ISN'T IT IRONIC THE FIRST TIME I PAY SOMEONE, THEY TRY TO SEND ME TO JAIL.
THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T PAY PEOPLE, FOLKS. YOU NEVER PAY PEOPLE.
PRETTY IRONIC. * IT'S LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, IT
FIGURES * AND FOLKS, IF THEY CAN COME FOR ME, THEY CAN COME FOR YOU TOO.
OR IN THE CASE OF JANUARY 6th, THEY CAN COME FOR YOU AND NOT FOR ME.
I LIKE THAT ONE A LITTLE BIT BETTER. BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO
GO TO JAIL, BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW SHREDDED I MIGHT GET, IT'S AWFULLY TEMPTING.
CAN YOU IMAGINE ME PUMPING IRON IN THE JAIL YARD WITH THE HOMIES?
GETTING REAL BIG ON TOP, LITTLE ON BOTTOM. TOTALLY PRISON YOLKED, LOOKING
LIKE A CANDY APPLE. PERHAPS I MIGHT EVEN BECOME RECEPTIVE TO THE TEACHINGS OF
THE PROFIT MUHAMMAD. ALTHOUGH WITH, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY PICTURES OF HIM.
KIND OF SUS. UH-OH, WHO'S THIS? IT'S A MAN WHO, LIKE ME, WAS
ILLEGALLY RAIDED, AND HE'S TURNING IT INTO BIG BUCKS. AFRO MAN.
* I WAS GOING TO GO TO CLASS, BUT THEN I GOT HIGH * DRUGS ARE KILLING OUR CHILDREN.
* I COULD HAVE CHEATED, BUT I PASSED, AND THEN I GOT HIGH *
REAL SHAME. * BECAUSE I GOT HIGH, BECAUSE I GOT HIGH, BECAUSE I GOT HIGH *
WE NEED TO BE EXECUTING OUR DRUG DEALERS. THANK YOU, AFRO MAN.
FOLKS, FOLKS, YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY IS IMPORTANT. IF I GO TO JAIL, I WILL NEED
MONEY FOR COMMISSARY SNACKS. I WILL NEED A SUPPLY OF RAMONS TO SUCCESSFULLY BARTER WITH A
MAN NAMED LIZARD. AND NOW MY MOST LOYAL SUPPORTER, I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY.
HE'S MY KENDALL ROY. IT'S DON JR. WOW, DAD, THIS IS REALLY
EMOTIONAL. IT MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME I SEE YOU.
FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS. * THE BOY'S A LIAR, THE BOY'S A
LIAR, HE DOESN'T SEE YA, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME, BOY * YEAH!
VERY STRANGE ENERGY, MY SON. DON'T LIKE IT. HE'S SAYING THAT I'M GOOD
ENOUGH, GRABBING MY DRRR, WE LOVE ICE SPICE, DON'T WE? ICE SPICE.
LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR. MANHATTAN, I'LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY.
WE'LL BE WILD. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST, LIL YACHTY.
AND YOUR HOST, QUINTA BRUNSON. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, QUINTA
BRUNSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. MY NAME IS QUINTA BRUNSON, AND
LET ME JUST FIRST SAY, I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. I HAVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT THIS
SINCE I WAS A KID. I ACTUALLY -- I WANTED TO BE ON SNL BACK IN THE DAY.
BUT THE AUDITION PROCESS SEEMED WELL, LONG. SO INSTEAD, I JUST CREATED MY
OWN TV SHOW, MADE SURE IT BECAME REALLY POPULAR, WON A BUNCH OF EMMYS, AND THEN GOT ASKED TO
HOST. SO MUCH EASIER. I HAVE A SHOW CALLED ABBOTT
ELEMENTARY. AND IT'S KIND OF UNIQUE. IT'S A STREAMING SHOW -- IT'S
NOT A STREAMING SHOW. IT'S A NETWORK SITCOM, LIKE FRIENDS EXCEPT INSTEAD OF BEING
ABOUT A GROUP OF FRIENDS, IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF TEACHERS. AND INSTEAD OF NEW YORK, IT'S IN
PHILADELPHIA, AND INSTEAD OF NOT HAVING BLACK PEOPLE, IT DOES. I GREW UP IN PHILLY, AND MY MOM
WAS A TEACHER THERE, SO CREATING A SHOW ABOUT TEACHERS HAS BEEN REALLY SPECIAL.
NOW, EVERY TIME THERE'S AN ISSUE WITH THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO SOLVE IT.
AND THAT'S NOT FAIR. LAST WEEK WHEN THAT BANK COLLAPSED, NO ONE WANTED TO GO
UP TO THE CAST OF SUCCESSION LIKE HOW DO WE FIX THIS? DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE THAT
PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING ABBOTT, BUT I WISH THEY DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE MY CHARACTER ALL THE
TIME. JANINE TEAGUES IS A CARING SECOND GRADE TEACHER WHO IS GOOD
AND WHOLESOME, AND I'M THE OPPOSITE. I'M NOT A FILTHY WHORE, BUT I
LIKE TO HAVE FUN. I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT SOMEONE SAYING, DAMN,
MS. TEAGUES IS OUT HERE GETTING WASTED AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO LOWER
THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF ME. I'M STILL YOUNG, FIGURING THINGS OUT.
I'VE HAD TO START LYING TO MY MOM ABOUT WHO I'M HANGING OUT WITH.
I'M LIKE, I'M GOING TO CHILL WITH MY FRIEND IN HER GARDEN, AND I DON'T TELL HER IT'S
OPRAH'S GARDEN. OR WHEN I TELL HER I'M GOING OUT TO DINNER BUT NOT WITH WHO.
I'M HAVING DINNER WITH YOUR DAUGHTER HERE. WE'RE SO PROUD OF HER, BUT WE'RE
ALSO PROUD OF YOU NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A GREAT MOM BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE A TEACHER.
MOST IMPORTANT JOB THERE IS. AS MY FRIEND BARACK SAID -- I CALL HIM BARACK NOW.
MY MOM REALLY WAS AN AMAZING TEACHER, AND I'M SO PROUD OF HER.
BUT I ALSO NO FIRSTHAND THAT TEACHERS GET TAKEN FOR GRANTED. LIKE I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
DISHWASHER. NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT, LOADED IT UP, KICKED IT SHUT, WENT TO
BED WASTED. BUT THEN MY HUSBAND AND I MOVED INTO AN APARTMENT THAT DIDN'T
HAVE A DISHWASHER, AND AFTER ONE DAY, I WAS LIKE, WE GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
THAT'S HOW PARENTS FEEL WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE A TEACHER DURING THE PANDEMIC.
SUDDENLY PARENTS ARE LIKE, WE HAVE TO TEACH THESE DISHES NOW? FEED THESE DISHES NOW?
WHY DID I HAVE SO MANY DISHES? THAT LAST DISH WAS A MISTAKE. SERIOUSLY, TEACHERS ARE PEOPLE,
NOT APPLIANCES. SO PLEASE, REMEMBER HOW IMPORTANT TEACHERS ARE.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE WORK THEY DO EVERY DAY, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PAY THEM THE MONEY THEY
DESERVE. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LIL YACHTY IS HERE
BUT THE GIRLS HERE ARE INSANE. I KNOW. I ALREADY GOT LIKE THREE PHONE
NUMBERS. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS NIGHT MORE PERFECT IS
IF WE COULD SCORE A LITTLE SOMETHING. YOU MEAN LIKE COKE?
YEAH, MAN. I DON'T KNOW. WHY NOT?
WE'RE ON VACATION, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. AS LONG AS WE CAN FIND SOMETHING
THAT'S PURE. THERE'S A LOT OF GARBAGE GOING AROUND RIGHT NOW.
HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR SOME COCAINE?
WHAT? I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO GET HIGH?
BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN. WAIT, SERIOUSLY? I MEAN, IS IT PURE?
IS IT PURE? DON'T INSULT ME, MAN. MY PRODUCT IS SO PURE WHITE,
IT'S LIKE A BUNNY RABBIT MAKING SNOW ANGELS ON A CLOUD. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR COCAINE? OH, I THINK WE FOUND SOME
ALREADY. YEAH. THEY ALREADY FOUND SOME.
GET LOST. WELL, MY STUFF IS SO WHITE, IT'S LIKE GWENYTH PALTROW SKIING
IN UTAH. OKAY. DAMN.
I'M SOLD. HOW MUCH FOR THAT? WAIT A MINUTE.
MY COCAINE IS SO PURE WHITE, IT'S LIKE THE GUY THAT'S SUING GWENYTH PALTROW BECAUSE HE CAN'T
ENJOY WINE TASTINGS ANYMORE. Y'ALL LOOKING FOR SOME COCAINE?
NO. THEY ALREADY DECIDED, MAN. WELL, NO, WE HAVEN'T.
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT'S PURE. LET ME TELL YOU THIS, MAN,
THE COKE I GOT IS SO WHITE, ITS DAD SENDS IT MONEY EVERY MONTH FOR THE RENT.
OKAY. I THINK I WANT THAT ONE. NO, NO, NO.
THAT IS JUNK. THIS STUFF RIGHT HERE IS SO WHITE, IT TAKES ITS SHOES AND
SOCKS OFF ON A PLANE. NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN. THIS COKE RIGHT HERE IS WHITER THAN SEASON TWO OF "THE WIRE."
OH, YEAH? WELL, MY COKE IS LIKE -- * CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES, THIS
IS MY LAST RESORT * MINE IS LIKE -- * I CHIMED IN WITH A HAVEN'T YOU
PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GOD DAMN DOOR * THAT IS WHITE, YEAH.
HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR SOME COCAINE?
WE GOOD. THEY'RE ALL SET, MAN. WE'RE LOOKING FOR COKE THAT'S
SO PURE WHITE, IT GOT A LITTLE BOTTLE OPENER ON ITS FLIP FLOPS. MY COKE IS SO PURE, IT WAS
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY NOAH BAUMBACH. WHO THE HELL IS NOAH
BAUMBACH? A POET. MAN, THAT'S NOTHING.
THIS COCAINE I GOT SAYS STUFF LIKE, OOP, LET ME SCOOT RIGHT BY YOU.
NO, NO, NO. THIS COCAINE IS SO WHITE -- OH, SORRY.
HOW WHITE IS IT? THANK YOU. IT'S SO WHITE, IT STANDS LIKE
THIS ADMIRING ITS LAWN. MY COKE IS SO WHITE -- LET ME JUST SCOOT BY YOU
THERE. OKAY. TOODLES.
IT'S THAT WHITE. I ALREADY SAID THAT ONE. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? HUH, I DON'T KNOW. I STILL CAN'T DECIDE.
HEY. YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR SOME BLACK TAR HEROIN?
WHAT? NO. OH, TOO BAD BECAUSE I'VE GOT
SOME BLACK TAR HEROIN THAT'S SO BLACK, IT'S -- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY.
NO, NO, NO. I WANT TO HEAR IT. GO AHEAD.
PLEASE TELL US. I WAS GOING TO SAY IT'S SO BLACK THAT IT'S STRONG AND
EQUAL. AND WE SHOULD ALL REALLY GIVE IT A CHANCE.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN HERE. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. LIKE I SAID, THIS COKE IS SO
WHITE, IT LIKES TO SAY IT'S FROM CHICAGO, BUT IT'S FROM A SUBURB OUTSIDE OF CHICAGO.
MY COKE IS 20 PAIRS OF YEEZY SNEAKERS. THAT DOESN'T SOUND WHITE.
THEY'RE ALL DIRTY. THAT'S WHITE. THAT'S ENOUGH.
THOSE ALL SOUND VERY WHITE AND PURE. I CAN'T DECIDE.
SO I GUESS WE'LL TAKE ONE FROM EACH. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THERE IS NO FENTANYL IN THIS,
RIGHT? NOBODY SAID -- WELL --
IT ALL STARTED WITH A BOX ON MY DOORSTEP. AND A NOTE WITH A QUESTION.
I JUST GOT THIS FEELING THAT IT WASN'T THE KIND OF QUESTION YOU COULD SAY NO TO.
WILL YOU -- BE MY -- BRIDESMAID.
FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU KEEP SWEET, WILD WILD COUNTRY, AND THE DOCUMENTARY
COMES A NEW STORY, I WAS A BRIDESMAID. EACH YEAR, MORE THAN 6
MILLION WOMEN FALL INTO THIS TYPE OF CULT. THEY PREY ON COLLEGE ROOMMATES
AND SISTERS IN LAW. THEY SELL YOU ON A ONE DAY. THE BUT FOR 18 MONTHS, I WAS
FULLY SUCKED IN. THERE WAS AN EMAIL CHAIN, GROUP TEXTS, DM, A WHOLE
CONVERSATION AND VENMO. GOT PULLED INTO A 200 QUESTION POLL ABOUT CUSTOMIZED
SHIRTS. WE ENDED UP GOING WITH BRIDE TRIBE.
THEY ALSO TARGET ANOTHER VULNERABLE GROUP, OUTGOING GAY MEN.
I HAVE BEEN A BRIDESMAID AT NINE WEDDINGS THIS YEAR. WHENEVER A GIRL STARTS CALLING
ME SIS, I KNOW I'M IN TROUBLE. THE BACHELORETTE PARTY IS THE FIRST MAJOR RITUAL, ALMOST
ALWAYS IN NASHVILLE. I TRY TODAY SAY I COULDN'T GO BECAUSE OF MY STUDENT LOANS.
THE MAID OF HONOR TEXTED BACK, NO WORRIES WITH A SPARKLE EMOJI. I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT.
AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BRIDE IN CHARGE, BUT IT WAS THE WOMAN UNDER HER, MICHELLE.
MICHELLE WAS A SOCIOPATH. FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO BE GETTING UP AT 6:00 A.M. FOR A
POLL DANCE FITNESS CLASS. WE'RE GOING TO BE RUNNING A NINE BIKE PERSON, AND DRINKING,
DRINKING, DRINKING. I'M NOT FEELING SO GOOD, SO I'M GOING TO MEET YOU GUYS
LATER. OH, THAT'S OKAY. HEY, BRITTANY, CAN WE TALK FOR A
SEC? I DON'T HAVE MANY MEMORIES FROM THE BACHELORETTE TRIP
BECAUSE I WAS DRUGGED BY MYSELF. I HAD NO CHOICE. THESE WOMEN WERE TERRORIZING
EVERY GAY BAR IN TOWN. AS WITH ALL CULTS, THERE IS A FINANCIAL ELEMENT.
I SPENT $300 ON A BRIDESMAID DRESS. THE BRIDES I'VE TRIED OTHER
TIMES TO WEAR IT. WHERE AM I GOING THAT CALLS FOR A BLUE CHIFFON GOWN?
MORE MONEY, MORE GIFTS, THERE WAS ALL THIS PENIS STUFF, SASHES, STRAWS, EVERYONE ACTED
LIKE IT WAS HILARIOUS. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. THE PENIS STUFF IS VERY
FUNNY. I WILL SAY THAT. AND FINALLY, IT WAS TIME FOR
THE BIG DAY. I WAS SEPARATED FROM MY BOYFRIEND AND GIVEN A NEW
PARTNER, THE GROOM'S COUSIN DONNY, WHO WAS INEXPLICABLY 61. FINAL RITUAL WAS THE MOST
DEMEANING. WE HAD TO WRITE AND PERFORM ORIGINAL LYRICS TO FRESH PRINCE
OF BELAIR. AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT WAS OVER.
BUT I JUST GOT ENGAGED. DON'T WORRY. I'M GOING TO BE SUCH A CHILL
BRIDE.
LET'S MEET TODAY'S CONTESTANTS. THEY RECENTLY CELEBRATED THEIR TEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY, IT'S
THOMAS AND MIA ANDERSON. AND THEY LIVED ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER DURING THE PANDEMIC, IT'S
JOHN AND LINDA CRONIN. LET'S GET STARTED. AS YOU KNOW, YOUR SPOUSES
ANSWERED A SERIES OF QUESTIONS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO GUESS WHAT THEY SAID.
QUESTION ONE, WHAT WAS YOUR WIFE'S FAVORITE FOOD? COME ON, BOB, THAT'S EASY.
SHE'S THE QUEEN OF BURGERS. LET'S SEE WHAT MIA SAID. BURGERS.
I'M THE BURGER QUEEN. ALL RIGHT. THE ANDERSONS ARE ON THE BOARD.
LET'S GO TO THE CRONINS, JOHN. I'M GOING TO GO WITH MY GUT HERE AND SAY CREPES.
OH, NO, I SAID FISH STICKS. WE'LL GET THEM NEXT TIME, BABE. QUESTION TWO.
WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S GREATEST FEAR? I'VE SEEN THIS MAN IN THE
GARAGE, AND TRUST ME, THE ANSWER IS SPIDERS. ALL RIGHT.
MIA SAID SPIDERS, AND THOMAS SAID HIS GREATEST FEAR IS -- THAT YOU'LL FALL DOWN THE STAIRS
AND GET HURT SO BAD THAT I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY DREAMS AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE CARING FOR
YOU. WOW. SO NO POINTS ON THAT ONE.
THAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? SPIDERS, YEAH. SHOULD HAVE SAID SPIDERS.
OKAY. MOVING ON TO THE CRONINS. LINDA, WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S
GREATEST FEAR? OH, I GOT THIS. IT'S AIRPLANES.
NO, HONEY. IT'S SNAKES. REMEMBER?
OH. SO CLOSE. WAS IT, THOUGH?
WAS IT? OKAY. NEXT QUESTION.
WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU DO IN BED THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT LIKE. MIA?
WELL, THIS IS EMBARRASSING, BUT KISSING HIM BEFORE I BRUSH MY TEETH.
AND THOMAS SAID, SLEEP TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE. THOMAS, YOU THINK I'M GOING
TO FALL OUT OF BED AND BREAK MY NECK? WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION,
MAN? OVER TO LINDA. WHAT'S ONE THING YOU DO IN BED
THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT LIKE? I WOULD HAVE TO SAY GET ON TOP.
OKAY. AND JOHN SAID -- HOG THE SHEETS, BABE.
ONCE AGAIN, THE CRONINS ARE NOT REMOTELY ON THE SAME PAGE. NEXT QUESTION FOR THE ANDERSONS.
WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FIGHT ABOUT? OH, I KNOW THIS ONE.
THAT WOULD BE THE BASKETBALL GAME INCIDENT. OKAY.
THOMAS SAYS THE BASKETBALL GAME INCIDENT, AND MIA SAYS -- THE TIME I HIT A HALF COURT SHOT AT
A BASKETBALL GAME AND THEY GAVE ME FREE ROCK CLIMBING LESSONS FOR LIFE, AND YOU RAN OUT AND
RIPPED UP THE CERTIFICATE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE STADIUM. FIVE POINTS FOR THE ANDERSONS.
WE RUNNING AWAY WITH IT NOW, HUH, BABY? THAT SOUND MEANS IT'S TIME
FOR A BONUS QUESTION. WHO HAS HAD THE BIGGEST INFLUENCE ON YOUR HUSBAND'S
LIFE? HIS FATHER. YEP.
MY DAD. MY PARENTS ARE ACTUALLY HERE TODAY.
HOW AM I DOING, DAD? YOU'RE DOING GREAT, SON. BACK TO LINDA.
WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S DREAM VACATION? I DON'T KNOW.
SNAKE WORLD? YEAH. YEAH, SNAKE WORLD.
NO, YOU IDIOT. I JUST SAID I DON'T LIKE SNAKES. OOH, CALLING YOUR SPOUSE AN
IDIOT AND LOSE A TURN. ALL RIGHT. MIA, WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND'S DREAM
VACATION. AT THIS POINT, WHO KNOWS, BUT HE ALWAYS SAID ARUBA.
YES. YES, BABY. FINALLY.
THERE'S THE MAN I MARRIED. UH-HUH. AND WHAT'S THAT LITTLE ASHTRAY?
OH, THAT'S JUST THIS. AS LONG AS YOU'RE STILL HEALTHY.
IF NOT, THEN BIG SURF WITH YOUR SISTER. AFTER YEARS OF CARING FOR YOU
TOGETHER, WE WILL HAVE GROWN CLOSE IN A WAY WE NEVER EXPECTED, AND WHEN WE FINALLY
CLIMAX TOGETHER UNDER THE REDWOODS, WE'LL HOLD EACH OTHER AND WEEP, NOT JUST BECAUSE THE
PLEASURE IS SO INTENSE BUT BECAUSE WE FINALLY FEEL RELIEF FROM OUR TRAGICALLY SHARED
BURDEN. WELL, YOU BOTH SAID ARUBA, THAT FIVE POINTS PUTS YOU OVER THE
TOP. ANDERSONS, YOU HAVE WON OUR GRAND PRIZE.
WAIT, WE DID? WE WON, BABY. AND THAT IS AN ALL EXPENSES
PAID TRIP TO BALI'S TEMPLE OF A THOUSAND STEPS. NO!
WHAT IS THAT LADY DOING? SHE ALMOST PLOWED INTO US. LUNATIC.
OH, MY GOD, DAD, DON'T BE SO AWKWARD. SHE ALMOST CAUSED AN ACCIDENT
JUST TO SIT THERE IN BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC. HEY!
HELLO? HEY! HEY!
WHAT? YOU CUT ME OFF. YOU DRIVE CRAZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? EAT -- EAT ME. EAT ME.
I HAD MY BLINKER ON. THAT'S A LIE. YOU LIE.
SHAME ON YOU. OKAY. EAT -- EAT MY BUTT.
THIS, ALL OF THIS. YOU, YOU ARE A SAD WOMAN. YOU, SAD WOMAN.
OKAY. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND SAY THAT TO MY
FACE? WHY DID YOU MIME A CRANK? NO CARS HAVE THOSE WINDOWS.
POWER WINDOWS NOW. DO THIS. BOOM.
THAT'S GOOD. BOOM. NO.
THIS IS TOO SMALL. IT WOULDN'T READ.
I GUESS. I GUESS. YOU -- YOU ARE SCARED BECAUSE
YOU AREN'T A MAN. YOU'RE NOT A BIG MAN. SHUT UP.
I AM A MAN. I'M A VERY STRONG MAN!
NO, NO. YOU ARE A LITTLE BITCH. YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH.
IS SHE -- IS SHE USING YOU FOR THE WORD BITCH? THAT IS SO MESSED UP.
YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK! HEY, DON'T -- DON'T DO THAT!
FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU USED TWO HANDS. SECOND OF ALL, JUST DON'T DO IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, BYE. BYE.
YOU, NOT WORTH MY TIME. BYE. YOU ARE A GIANT -- THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY IF SHE SAW YOU DO THAT? MY MOM TOLD ME TO DO IT.
SHAME ON YOU. THAT WAS RACIST. NO.
DON'T HATE ALL WHITE PEOPLE, JUST YOU. BRAVO.
YOU, BAD PERSON. I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR HUSBAND.
NO HUSBAND. HE WENT BYE BYE. WE SPLIT UP.
OH. ME TOO. WIFE LEFT.
BUT IT'S GOOD. SHE WAS A BITCH. DAD!
RESPECT, RESPECT. HEY, THIS MIGHT BE CRAZY. BUT ARE YOU HUNGRY?
YEAH. I COULD EAT. DO YOU MAYBE WANT TO EAT THIS
BUTT? HUH? EAT THE BUTT.
SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON YOU. YOU SUCK!
STOP DOING THAT! STOP IT!
YACHTY. ** * SEX SYMBOL
THE BLACK SEMINOLE A SEX SYMBOL THE BLACK SEMINOLE *
* AFRICAN RAMBO WITH MORE AMMO CAN'T BE ESCAPED
I'M ON EVERY CHANNEL * * WHAT'S WRONG WHAT'S WRONG
MR. MAN * * YOUR EYES ARE LOW AND YOU'RE WALKING
WITH BOTH HANDS ON YOUR HEAD * * HIS RESPONSE
HE'S ON A CLEAN CLEAN HIGH* * BOTH FEET
UP ON THE GROUND BUT HIS HEAD'S WAY WAY WAY IN THE SKY *
** * THE BLACK SEMINOLE A HEAD GENERAL
DISTANT CONNECTIONS A LARGE INTERVAL * * A BLACK MAN WITH
MOUTHS TO FEED EMBRACING EQUALITY THROUGHOUT GREED *
* NO TIME TO JOKE AROUND THE KID IS NOW A MAN AND THE SILENCE IS FILLED
WITH REMARKABLE SOUNDS * * THIS PART I'VE SEEN IN MY DREAMS *
* LOVE IS NOT A LIE IT JUST FEELS LIKE A TARANTINO MOVIE SCENE *
** ** * EXACTLY *
** * NOW OH OHH
OHH OHH-OH * * OHH OHH OH-OH OHH OHH-OH OHH-OH OHH-OH
OHH-OHH-OHH OHHH * * EE-HEE EE-HEE OHH-OHH-OHH OHHH *
* EE-HEE EE-HEE OHH-OH * * MM-MM MM
MM-HMM MM MM-HM MM MM-MM-HM *
* YEAH-AH YEAH-AH-AHH YEAH YEAH-HEE *
* YEAH-AH OHH *
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST. NEW YORK IS FINALLY CRACKING DOWN ON CRIME.
FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WAS INDICTED IN HIS ROLE IN PAYING HUSH MONEY TO STORMY
DANIELS, AND THE TRIAL WILL BE LIKE A STORMY DANIELS MOVIE, BECAUSE I'M DEEPLY ASHAMED AT
HOW EXCITED I AM TO WATCH IT. HIS LAWYER, JOE, WHO HE CALLED JOE TAPIOCA SAID HE WILL NOT BE
PUT IN HAND CUFFS, THOUGH HE WILL WEAR BARACK AWAY HAND CUFF AND A SUPERMAN T-SHIRT.
I'M SURE HE'S HOPING HIS MUG SHOT WILL LOOK COOL LIKE FRANK SINATRA'S.
TRUMP WILL BE ALSO CHARGED WITH FRAUD. PRESIDENT BIDEN ON FRIDAY TOLD
REPORTERS HE HAD NO COMMENT ON TRUMP'S INDICTMENT, AND THEN HE DANCED AWAY LIKE THE SIX FLAGS
GUY. I THINK IN GENERAL, THE PEOPLE MIGHT BE OVERREACTING TO
THIS INDICTMENT. LIKE AN ACTUAL INDICTMENT ON CNN YESTERDAY WAS NOTHING IN
AMERICAN HISTORY APPROACHES THE CHARGES AND POSSIBLE TRIAL AND CONVICTION OF A FORMER
PRESIDENT. A MORE ACCURATE HEADLINE WOULD BE, MAN WE ALL KNEW WAS CRIMINAL
IS CRIMINAL. I WENT DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE TODAY, AND I WAS THE ONLY
PROTESTOR THERE. I TOLD THEM NOT TO LAUGH AT YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AM I NOT MICCED? THEN I WAS LIKE, OH, I JUST
SUCK. MOVING RIGHT ALONG -- YOU'RE EVIL.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN PLANS TO COME TO NEW YORK ON TUESDAY TO PROTEST TRUMP'S INDICTMENT,
BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT TAKES HER THREE DAYS TO PUT ON HER JOKER MAKEUP.
THEY'LL PROBABLY LAUGH AT THIS NEXT ONE. THAT'S THE MEANEST THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE TO ME. I'M COVERED IN SWEAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DON'T EVEN DARE! DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TRY NOW. FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS
WHO THINKS HE'S GASTON, BUT, GIRL, YOU LeFOU. RON DE -- I'M SHAKING.
RON DeSANTIS SAID FLORIDA OFFICIALS WOULD NOT HELP EXTRADITE TRUMP BACK TO NEW YORK
UNLESS OF COURSE HE AGREES TO TAKE A BUS LOAD OF MIGRANTS WITH HIM.
IN THE WAKE OF THE NATIONAL SHOOTING, PRESIDENT BIDEN ONCE AGAIN CALLED ON CONGRESS TO PASS
AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN, OR, HEAR ME OUT, STOP AND FRISK FOR WHITES.
HOW LONG BEFORE THESE KIDS EARN A STEREO TYPE? CONGRESSMAN ANDY OGLES WHO
RESPECTS THE DISTRICT WHERE THE NASHVILLE SHOOTING TOOK PLACE IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR A CHRISTMAS
CARD WHERE HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE HOLDING ASSAULT RIFLES. WHO ARE YOU PSYCHOS SENDING
THESE CARDS TO? IF I RECEIVED THAT IN THE MAIL, I WOULD MOVE.
ALL THIS CARD TELLS YOU IS I AM ARMED, I HAVE TERRIBLE JUDGMENT, AND I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
DEMOCRATIC REPRESENTATIVE JAMAL BOWMAN AND THOMAS MASSEY GOT IN A SCREAMING MATCH ON
CAPITOL HILL AFTER HE CALLED THEM COWARDS FOR OPPOSING GUN CONTROL.
IF THERE'S ONE THING REPUBLICANS HAVE, IT'S BIG OLD GUTS. TRUMP HAS ALSO BEEN PROMOTING
A SONG CALLED JUSTICE FOR ALL, WHICH FEATURES HIMSELF AND A CHOIR OF MEN JAILED FOR THEIR
ROLES IN THE JANUARY 6th ATTACK. I FEEL BAD FOR THE JANUARY 6th SINGERS BECAUSE YOU KNOW JAIL
GETS MUCH WORSE WHEN THE OTHER PRISONERS FIND OUT YOU'RE IN AN ACAPELLA GROUP.
LAST WREAK, A FLORIDA PRINCIPAL WAS FORCED TO RESIGN WHEN PARENTS WERE OUTRAGED WHEN
MICHAEL ANGLO'S STATUE WAS REVEALED. HERE TO COMMENT, MICHAEL
ANGELO'S DAVID. HEY. THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
MICHAEL ANGELO'S DAVID. I'M SORRY. I'M OVER HERE.
CAN YOU NOT TURN YOUR HEAD? I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER TRIED. LET'S FIND OUT.
AHH! THAT HURT LIKE HELL. SO DAVID, HOW ARE YOU DEALING
WITH THIS FLORIDA CONTROVERSY? THOSE PARENTS ARE PRETTY UPSET. THOSE PARENTS ARE IGNORANT
PRUDES. I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST SCULPTURE, AND I'M A VERY PRETTY
BOY. SOUNDS LIKE THE PARENTS DIDN'T WANT THE KIDS TO SEE YOUR
PRIVATES. I'M PROUD OF MY TINY PENIS AND BIG STONED PRUNED.
I'M BEAUTIFUL, AND I THINK YOUR AUDIENCE DESERVES TO SEE THAT. NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHEREAS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHY? I WANT TO DO THAT.
YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT. ONE PARENT SAID IT WAS PORNOGRAPHIC.
IT'S ART. IT'S NOT PORNOGRAPHY. OKAY, WELL, RIGHT NOW, IT'S
PORNOGRAPHY. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN IT'S ART AGAIN.
THAT'S FINE. IF PEOPLE WANT TO SEE IT, THEY CAN GO TO A MUSEUM IN ITALY OR
LOOK AT IT ONLINE. OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE GUYS. I CAN SEE WHATEVER I NEED TO
ONLINE. THAT'S SAD. LOOK, I AM FROM THE BIBLE, OKAY?
I KILLED GOLIATH WITH A TINY ROCK AND MY TINY DONG OUT. YOU EVER BEEN IN A FIGHT WITH
YOUR DONG OUT? NO. ANSWER ME.
I DID ANSWER YOU. I SAID NO. I'M SERIOUS, CHE.
FIGHT WITH YOUR DONG OUT, YES OR NO? NO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD TRY IT. IT REALLY DISTRACTS THE OTHER GUY.
QUITE A BIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW IT. I'LL JUST SHOW IT.
PLEASE DON'T, MAN. COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?
ALL THE BEST ART IS NUDE. ME, NUDE, VENUS DeMILO, NUDE, STATUE OF LIBERTY, SHOWS FEET.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART IN THE WORLD NEXT
TO YOU AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT. I CAN SEE IT NOW.
AND. I'M NO EXPERT, BUT IT'S KIND OF SMALL.
WELL, MOST PEOPLE SEE IT FROM BELOW. DO YOU WANT TO COME UNDER AND
SEE IT FROM BELOW? NO, I DO NOT. WELL, WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING AT
IT, DO YOU NOTICE HOW THE HAIR UP HERE IS THE SAME DOWN HERE? THAT'S NOT LIKE RIGHT, RIGHT?
IT'S TOO THICK. IT'S LIKE ROCKS, LOOK. DUDE, NO.
DON'T SHOW THAT, PLEASE. IT'S JUST ROCKS. GOD, AMERICANS ARE UPTIGHT.
DID YOU KNOW IN THE ITALIAN VERSION OF SNL YOU CAN SHOW FULL PENETRATION?
WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU WANT TO SHOW IT SO BAD, JUST SHOW IT.
WE'RE ALL WATCHING. WELL, NOW I'M SHY. MICHAEL ANGELO'S DAVID,
EVERYBODY. GET OUT OF HERE!
FEATURE CALLED PAY LATER THAT LETS USERS SPREAD OUT PAYMENTS FOR APPS OVER THE COURSE OF SIX
WEEKS. THIS HAS ALSO LAUNCHED MY NEW FAVORITE INSULT, YO MAMA IS SO
POOR, SHE PUT CANDY CRUSH ON LA AWAY. AFTER A RECENT CHEMICAL SPILL
IN THE DELAWARE RIVER, PHILADELPHIA OFFICIALS SAY THE CITY'S DRINKING WATER IS FINALLY
SAFE, UNLESS IT'S BEING HANDED TO YOU BY THIS PHILADELPHIAN. YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE SAFETY
PRECAUTIONS? CUP NOODLES HAS INTRODUCED A BREAKFAST VERSION OF THEIR
INSTANT RAMON. THE FLAVOR WILL BE CALLED, "MOM LEFT."
I LIKE THIS CROWD A LOT, MAN. YEAH. YEAH, ME TOO.
AGREED. AN 89-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE MAN HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED AS THE OLDEST
MALE SURFER EVER. HE TRULY EMBODIES THE SURFING LIFESTYLE BECAUSE EVERY PART OF
HIS BODY HANGS LOOSE. NEW YORK CITY IS EXPECTED TO END THE WINTER WITH THE LOWEST
SNOWFALL ON RECORD. YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH. NEW YORK CITY FIRE DEPARTMENT
RESCUED FIVE CHILDREN WHO GOT THEMSELVES LOST IN THE STATEN ISLAND SUER SYSTEM.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE A PLACE THAT FILTHY AND DISGUSTING HAS A SUER SYSTEM.
BUILD A BEAR HAS INTRODUCED A NEW RUE PAUL DOLL. AND HONESTLY, AFTER A FEW BEERS,
I WOULD. NEW YORK CITY OFFICIALS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL STOP CALLING
THE CITY'S PARK BATHROOMS COMFORT STATIONS AND WILL INSTEAD CALL THEM THE MORE
ACCURATE STANK SHACKS. SAVED A MAN AFTER HE INSERTED A WATER GLASS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR
SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, AND IT GOT STUFF. I THINK HE FELT POSITIVE ABOUT
THE EXPERIENCE BECAUSE HE SAID THE GLASS WAS HALF FULL. THE FIRST MARIJUANA
DISPENSARY OWNED BY A WOMAN HAS OPENED IN QUEENS NEW YORK. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY HAD TO SHUT
DOWN BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T OPEN THE WEED JARS ON HER OWN. SIMMER DOWN.
A SPERM DONOR IN THE NETHERLANDS WHO ALLEGEDLY FATHERED MORE THAN 500 CHILDREN IS BEING SUED FOR
INCREASING THE RISK OF ACCIDENTAL INCEST AMONG THE KIDS.
ACCIDENTAL INCEST IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST AMERICAN PIE SEQUEL.
WELL, GUYS, IT'S APRIL, AND THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, THE CELEBRATION OF SHORT MEN THAT
THE INTERNET HAS DUBBED SHORT KING SPRING. HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR VERY OWN
SHORT KING, MARCELLO HERNANDEZ. HEY, COLIN. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
HEY, MARCELLO. THANKS FOR BEING HERE. CAN YOU WALK US THROUGH WHAT IT
MEANS TO BE A SHORT KING? COLIN, IT'S BASICALLY SOMETHING WOMEN SAY AS IF IT'S A
COMPLIMENT. BUT IT'S KIND OF CONDESCENDING. WELL, IF IT HELPS, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF YOU AS A SHORT MAN, AND YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. I KNOW I'M SHORT.
WHEN I LIE ABOUT MY HEIGHT, I SAY I'M 5'9", WHICH MEANS I'M REALLY 5'7" 1/2, AND I'M LYING
ABOUT THE HALF. WHAT HEIGHT DO YOU SAY, COLIN? I'M 6 FEET.
SO YOU'RE 5'9"? NO, I'M 6 FEET. IF YOU WERE 6 FEET, YOU WOULD
SAY 6'2". I'M EXACTLY 6 FEET. THEN LET'S STAND BACK TO
BACK. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. INTERESTING.
COLIN, SHORT INC. CANS LIKE US SHOULD BE PROUD OF OUR HERITAGE. WE COME FROM A LONG LINE OF
GREATS, KEVIN HART, BRUNO MARS, PRINCE, THE MINIONS, AL PACINO, MARK WAHLBERG, JACK BLACK, YODA,
TOM HOLLAND, LIL WANE, RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME, MARTIN SHORT, AGAIN, RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME.
BEETHOVEN, THE COMPOSER, WAS 5'6", AND THE DOG WAS EVEN SHORTER.
GREAT TO KNOW. I THINK WE GET IT. NOW LET'S THINK OF SOME TALL
GUYS. OSAMA BIN LADEN IS 6'4", ARMIE HAMMER, 7'3".
ARMIE HAMMER IS NOT 7'3". OKAY. SORRY, I FORGOT YOU TWO WERE
FRIENDS. WE'RE FRIENDLY. YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING
ABOUT TALL MEN IS WHEN THEY SAY HELLO TO US PETITE PRINCES. THEY GO LOW AND USE A BABY
VOICE. THEY GO, HEY, MAN, EVERYTHING GOOD DOWN THERE.
AND WHEN THEY'RE DONE TALKING TO YOU, IT FEELS LIKE THEY SAY IT, WHEN THEY'RE DONE TALKING, THEY
GO, ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO BACK UP. COLIN, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
US TINY TITANS, WE GOT TO STICK -- STOP SAYING US.
THEN STAND BACK TO BACK WITH ME. NO.
OKAY. WELL, LOOK, SHORT KINGS, WE WERE BORN KINGS.
WE'VE BECOME KINGS. WE'VE DONE THE WORK. WE LEARNED HOW TO DANCE, NOT
BECAUSE WE WANTED TO BUT BECAUSE WE HAD TO. TALL GUYS LIKE MICHAEL CHE DON'T
GOT TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE. THEY STAND AT THE BACK OF THE PARTY LIKE -- MEANWHILE, YOU AND
ME ARE ON THE DANCE FLOOR WORKING, COLIN. NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO BUT
BECAUSE WE HAD TO. AGAIN, I'M 6 FEET TALL. YEAH, YOU'RE A TOWER.
ANYWAY. FOR ALL MY SHORT KINGS WATCHING AT HOME, STAY STRONG, LIVE
LARGE, AND BE PROUD OF THE TINY LITTLE PERSON THAT YOU ARE. SO LET'S SHOW THEM, COLIN.
STAND UP AND GO BACK TO BACK WITH ME. FOR THE LAST TIME, I CAN'T DO
THAT. WHY NOT? BECAUSE, MARCELLO, I'M
ALREADY STANDING. I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
MARCELLO SHORT KING HERNANDEZ. I'M COLIN JOST.
OKAY, MRS. MURPHY, YOUR CONTRACTIONS ARE 30 SECONDS APART.
THIS BABY IS COMING. BUT I'M NOT DUE FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS.
I KNOW IT'S SCARY, BUT LISTEN TO ME AND BREATHE. WHAT ABOUT MY MIDWIFE?
HE'S ON HIS WAY. I NEED HIM HERE! CLEAR A PATH, CLEAR A PATH.
I'M THE MIDWIFE. BARRY, THANK GOD. THIS IS MY MIDWIFE BARRY.
NICE TO MEET YOU, BARRY. ACTUALLY, WE'VE MET. I'M SORRY.
OF COURSE. IT IS NICE TO SEE YOU. SO SHE'S ALREADY DILATED 10
CENTIMETERS, WE'VE GOT TO MOVE FAST. DO YOU REALLY NOT REMEMBER
ME? SHE'S CROWNING. WE MET AT DANIELLE'S
BARBECUE. CAN YOU ASK HER ABOUT THIS LATER?
FOR SURE. IT WAS THE BARBECUE BEFORE THE MACKLEMORE CONCERT?
SO WE MET IN 2012 ONE TIME? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ONE TIME? REALLY?
HOW COME WHILE YOU WERE BEING DEFENSIVE, I WAS DELIVERING THIS BABY?
PUSH, MRS. SULLIVAN, PUSH. IS MY MIDWIFE HERE YET? CLEAR A PATH.
IT'S BARRY, THE MIDWIFE. THAT'S HIM. THANK GOD.
BARRY, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. AGAIN?
OH, HAVE WE MET? ARE YOU SERIOUS? YEAH.
NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I PROMISE YOU HAVE.
WE MET AT THIS HOSPITAL IN THIS EXACT ROOM. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS?
TO EMBARRASS ME? WE'VE NEVER MET. GIRL, RESPECT YOURSELF.
WHAT'S GOING ON? DON'T WORRY. I'LL EXPLAIN.
BARRY IS PRETENDING NOT TO REMEMBER DR. ROGERS BECAUSE THREE YEARS AGO SHE DIDN'T
REMEMBER MEETING HIM AT A BARBECUE. BEFORE A MACKLEMORE CONCERT.
MACKLEMORE? YOU REALLY REMEMBER ME. I'M CURIOUS AS TO WHY.
ANYWAY, WHILE YOU WERE BEING DR. GASLIGHT, I WAS DELIVERING THIS BABY.
THANKS FOR HAVING US AT YOUR BARBECUE, DANIELLE. NO PROBLEM.
I WISH YOU COULD COME TO THE MACKLEMORE CONCERT LATER. I CAN'T.
I HAVE WORK. THAT'S WHY I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS.
CLEAR A PATH FOR BARRY THE HUNGRY MIDWIFE. HI, I'M JILL.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU TOO. WOW, YOU LOVE YOUR HAIR.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO LONG. REALLY? I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA. I WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU IF I SAW YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.
IS THAT A THREAT? MRS. MURPHY, LONG TIME NO SEE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS BABY NUMBER TWO. I KNOW.
LIFE HAPPENS SO FAST. OH, AND THIS IS MY MIDWIFE. YOU GUYS REMEMBER EACH OTHER,
RIGHT? ACTUALLY, WE DO. I'M SO SORRY, DR. ROGERS.
I OWE YOU AN APOLL. I PRETENDED NOT TO REMEMBER YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER ME,
AND IT MADE ME SO FURIOUS. I'M SORRY, BARRY. I FELT SO BAD THAT I DIDN'T
REMEMBER YOU, IT MADE ME FEEL EMBARRASSED. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I WAS BEING AN EMOTIONAL JERK. OH, MY GOD. DID WE MISS IT?
HONEY, WE GOT HERE AS FAST AS WE COULD. IT'S OKAY.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND AND MY FIRST DAUGHTER KAYLA, YOU DELIVERED HER.
HI, KAYLA! NICE TO MEET YOU. ACTUALLY, WE'VE MET.
WELL, THEN IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, OKAY?
** ** **
* IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT ME IT'S A WASTE OF TIME YOU WANT THE KIND OF LOVE
THAT CAN MAKE A CHILD * * DON'T WANT JUST ANYBODY MM YEAH *
* GOOD LOVE FILLS MY BODY UP LIKE A GLASS WHEN YOU POUR IT ALL OUT *
* IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW I MIND SOMEONE LIKE ME
IS HARD TO FIND * * NOT MISTAKEN IF I'M THERE
WELL AWARE YOU ARE ALWAYS MINE * * AND STILL
YOU SEEM SO SURPRISED WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS GON' BE MINE *
* I WANNA BE WHERE YOU ARE I JUST CAN'T WALK AWAY YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY AH
I LOSE IT LOSE IT * * AND I WANNA BE WHERE YOU ARE
I JUST CAN'T WALK AWAY * * YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY AH I LOSE IT LOSE IT *
* IMAGINE ME CIRCLIN' THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT A PIECE OF YOU *
* SEVEN OUT OF SEVEN DAYS I'M NEEDIN' YOU YOU BRIN' LIFE
TO THE PARTY * * MM-MM AH AH AH GOOD LOVE FEELS LIKE
BUTTERFLIES SUFFOCATIN' YOUR INSIDES * * OH IT'S A LATE NIGHT
YOU KNOW I TRY I CANNOT PICTURE WHEN YOU RIDE *
* I'M MISTAKEN THINKIN' YOU WERE TAKEN KNOWIN' NOW
YOU WERE ALWAYS MINE * * AND STILL YOU SEEM SO SURPRISE ED
WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS GON' BE MINE * **
* YEAH YEAH YEAH MM HMM MM HMM-MM *
** * RARELY EVER MISSIN' TALK IS CHEAP
AND TIME IS TICKIN' * * RARELY EVER TRICKIN' CATCH ME SLIPPIN'
IN WHAT'S LEAKIN' * * I'M ON MISSION PAYIN' MILLIONS
I'M TAKING YOU OUT TO EAT OKAY OKAY OKAY * * OUT LATE NIGHT
I'M SINNIN' STILL A CHRISTIAN DON'T TELL MY DEACON *
* I MEAN PASTOR OIL HER DOWN NOT TALKIN' CASTOR *
* RIDIN' 'ROUND WITH SIX-SEVEN WITH NO TINT YOU CAN TELL I'M PIMPIN' *
* BIG FOUR-FIVE ON MY HIP LOOK LIKE I'M LIMPIN' ALWAYS SIMPIN *
* ONE OF MY COUSINS CRIPPIN' ALWAYS GRIPPIN' STUFF GET DANGEROUS *
* ALWAYS KEEP IT PLAYER WE CAN SWAP OUT SWAP OUT SWAP OUT SWAP OUT
* OKAY ONLY LOVE MY MOTHER MY SISTER MY DAUGHTER *
* ALL Y'ALL GET SLAUGHTERED, CAN'T BE MINE PRAY TO THE FATHER *
* MM HM MMM HMM MM-HM *
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MONTH HERE BEEN? IT'S BEEN GREAT. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WORKING HERE.
WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THIS A BIG DEAL.
I THINK DANIELS HAS BEEN WEIRD TO ME. HE'S ALWAYS BEEN COOL TO ME.
IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. HEY, MURPHY, HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE THE KIDS? THEY'RE GOOD. JUST SENT MY OLDEST OFF TO PENN
STATE. GOSH, THAT MUST BE HARD -- ON THE OLD BANK ACCOUNT.
AND WE HITTING THE LINKS LATER OR WHAT, BUDDY? 5:00 ON THE DOT, DANIELS.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. AND SIMMONS, BIG BUTT, SETTING OFF THE PENIS ALARM.
MURPHY, YOU GET THAT REPORT INTO ME BY MONDAY OR WHAT? ABSOLUTELY.
AND BEFORE I FORGET, WE GOT A COMPANY WIDE ZOOM MEETING AT 6:00 WHERE I'LL BE ZOOMING IN ON
THOSE BOOBIES. COMPUTER ENHANCE, ENGAGING X-RAY VISION.
HOUSTON, WE HAVE NIPPLE! MURPHY, LISTEN, THAT TURNER FILE IS NOT GOING TO FILE
ITSELF, ALL RIGHT? SO YOU GUYS SAW THAT, RIGHT? SAW WHAT?
DANIELS, WHEN HE TALKED TO ME, HE DID AN IMPRESSION OF A SEX COMPUTER.
I THOUGHT HE WAS BEING GOOFY, BUT I'M OLD SCHOOL. IF YOU'RE HAVING A PROBLEM
WITH HIM, YOU CAN ALWAYS TALK TO BENSON. BENSON?
REALLY? TOTALLY. HE'S BEEN HERE FOREVER.
HE JUST GETS IT. SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL. LOOKY HERE, ALL OF MY
FAVORITE PEOPLE. HOW ARE YOU? I WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR
SHOWING UP TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S FOOD DRIVE. IT MEANT THE WORLD.
ANYTHING FOR YOU, BENSON. WE FED 500 FAMILIES IN NEED BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS.
I MEAN, SIMMONS, I KNOW IT MEANT THE WORLD TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER THAT YOU BROUGHT THOSE.
THOSE WHAT? WHY, THOSE BIG BUTTERED YAMS, OF COURSE.
WHAT I WOULD DO TO JUMP OFF A DIVING BOARD AND CANNON BALL INTO THAT CLEAVAGE.
HELP! I'M DROWNING! BUT DON'T SAVE ME, I WANT TO DIE
IN THERE. ALL RIGHT, TEAM, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, GIVE ME A CALL.
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS. I WOULD EVEN ADOPT THOSE
GORGEOUS TWINS AND RAISE THEM IN A HOTEL LIKE ZACK AND CODY. DUTY CALLS, SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
LOVE YOU GUYS. LOVE YOU, MAN. YOU GUYS NOTICED THAT, RIGHT?
I WANT TO SAY YES SO YOU DON'T FEEL CRAZY, BUT NO. HOW?
THIS IS INSANE. I'M HEATHER FROM HR, AND IF ANYONE IS MAKING YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE, WE WILL HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW IN A COMPANY-WIDE MEETING.
THANK YOU. BUT FIRST, WE HAVE A MUSICAL PERFORMANCE FROM THE PENIS
BROTHERS. WHAT IS GOING ON? COME ON, Y'ALL.
THIS ONE GOES OUT TO OUR TWO FAVORITE LADIES. SIMMONS LEFT, AND SIMMONS RIGHT,
Y'ALL. OH, MY GOD, THE PENIS BROTHERS.
THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, THE BROTHERS BONGO BOOB EXPERIENCE.
** HOW IS IT MAKING THAT SOUND? MURPHY, YOU GOT THAT FILE FOR
ME OR WHAT? HEY, I DO, DANIELS. BY THE WAY, I GOT AN EMAIL FROM
CORPORATE, AND YOU'RE BOTH FIRED.
THE MELTING POT OF OVER THREE CULTURES, AND FOOD IS ITS UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE.
MY NAME IS ROCCO. HEAVY CAT. AND MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP.
WE MOVED HERE FOR COLLEGE, AND WE'VE BEEN HERE EVER SINCE EXCEPT FOR COVID.
TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU OUR NEW YORK, THE REAL NEW YORK, ONE BITE AT A TIME.
THIS IS STREET EATS. TODAY, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF JAMAICAN PART OF THE CITY,
JAMAICAN QUEEN, AND WE ARE ON THE HUNT FOR SOME AUTHENTIC JERK CHICKEN.
AND QUEENS MAKE SOME NOISE! RICE, THE STINKING MAN'S CHIPS.
WHAT THE HELL ARE Y'ALL DOING? WE'RE JUST HERE TO FIND OUT
WHAT JA-MAKES YOUR FOOD SO SPECIAL. GOT IT.
SO Y'ALL JUST MOVED HERE FOR CONNECTICUT, RIGHT? YOU HAVE TO STOP YELLING.
WELL, I NOTICED YOU WERE SELLING DELICIOUS JAMAICAN FOOD, BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT
JAMAICAN. TELL US ABOUT THAT. NO, I'M JAMAICAN.
HOW WOULD THAT BE -- SPOTS LIKE THAT ARE EXACTLY WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO GREAT.
TACO, OH, SPICY. SO YOU WANT JERK CHICKEN WITH NO CAYENNE, NO CUMIN, SALT,
PEPPER? NOPE, CAN'T DO IT. SO YOU JUST WANT A BLANK ASS
PIECE OF CHICKEN? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? IN NEW YORK.
NEXT, WE DECIDED TO HIT UP A NEW YORK STAPLE, SO WE HEADED ALL THE WAY UP AND WE WALKED
HERE BECAUSE WE COULD NOT FIND THE ONE SAY. KEEP GOING THIS WAY?
RULE NUMBER ONE, YOU'VE GOT TO ORDER LIKE A NEW YORKER. HEY, YO, BOSS, LET ME GET SOME
MAYO AND BREAD. HEY, THERE'S A LINE. I GOT IT.
HEY, FORGET ABOUT -- MY FATHER IS A LAWYER! CAN'T CUT THE LINE, MAN.
WE'VE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY. WELL, I HOPE THE BUILDING YOU'RE WORKING ON EXPLODES.
THEY HATED US THERE. BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE FRIENDS IN THAT FAKE JAMAICAN LADY.
SHE LOVED US. I HATED THEM, BUT I READ THE COMMENTS ON THEIR VIDEOS, AND NO
ONE SHOULD HAVE TO READ THAT ABOUT THEMSELVES. THE NICEST ONE I SAW SAID GAY
FAIL. I MADE THEM SOME PLAIN ASS CHICKEN, AND THEY LOVED IT.
AUTHENTIC JERK CHICKEN. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK DAY.
WE HAD SOME CHICKEN. NO ONE CAN DO IT LIKE US. NEW YORK!
AND THEIR INCREDIBLE BAND. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO MY ENTIRE CAST THAT DID A
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL -- THEY DID IT -- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? PANEL WITHOUT ME TODAY BECAUSE I
WAS HOSTING SNL. I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY AT ABBOTT ELEMENTARY FOR HELPING ME
GET HERE. THANK YOU TO MY FANS AND FAMILY, WHO SOME OF THEM ARE HERE
TONIGHT. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO THIS INCREDIBLE CREW, THE PEOPLE AT
SNL WORK SO HARD, AND THEY ARE UNREAL, AND THEY DO IT EVERY WEEK, AND IT'S NUTS, THE CAST,
THE EW, IT'S INCREDIBLCRE.