[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MY FRIENDS, AND JUDAS.
HEAR ME NOW FOR SOON I WILL LEAVE YOU AND JOIN MY FATHER IN HEAVEN.
>> WE CANNOT LOSE YOU, JESUS. WE WILL PROTECT YOU. >> THEY WILL NEVER FIND YOU,
JESUS. >> ALAS, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME.
>> NO. >> WHAT? >> IT IS FORETOLD, AND THOUGH I
HAVE COMMITTED NO CRIME, I WILL BE ARRESTED, TRIED, AND FOUND GUILTY.
>> SOUND FAMILIAR? THANK YOU SO MUCH. A FAMOUS, WONDERFUL MAN ARRESTED
FOR NO REASON AT ALL. IF YOU HAVEN'T PUT IT TOGETHER, FOLKS, I'M COMPARING MYSELF TO
JESUS AGAIN. AND WHAT BETTER TIME THAN ON HIS BIRTHDAY, EASTER?
AS WE SPEAK, I AM BEING PERSECUTED ON A LEVEL THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER
SEEN, EVEN WORSE THAN THE LATE, GREAT JESUS. YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING
WE'RE VERY SIMILAR. WE'RE BOTH VERY TALL, VERY POPULAR, AND BOTH FRANKLY WHITE
AMERICANS. YOU KNOW, JESUS DID SOME INCREDIBLE THINGS.
SOME WOULD CALL THEM MIRACLES. IN TERMS OF FISH AND WITH REGARD TO BREAD.
FISH AND BREAD. HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY.
I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FASTER, POSSIBLY TWO DAYS. I THINK WE COULD HAVE DONE IT A
LOT FASTER. HE HAD A GOOD MIND FOR BUSINESS. WATER INTO WINE.
PURE PROFIT. AND HE HAD BIG, BIG RALLIES JUST LIKE ME, AND A LOT OF HIS
FOLLOWERS GOT IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE, JUST LIKE MINE. ALL BECAUSE I TOLD THEM EXACTLY
WHAT JESUS WOULD HAVE SAID, GET VERY VIOLENT AND START A WAR. AND I'VE EVEN GOT MY VERY OWN
JUDAS, RAN DeSANTIS. RON DeSANTIS CAME TO ME, TEARS IN HIS EYES, HE SAID, HELP ME,
MR. TRUMP. I'M GOING TO LOSE MY ELECTION. SO I VERY GENEROUSLY PRETENDED
TO LIKE HIM, AND THEN, HE DID A JUDAS. AND NOW HE CAN'T EVEN GET THE
GAYS OUT OF DISNEY WORLD. LOOK AT THESE GUYS BACK HERE, HUH?
THEY JUST HAVE TO SIT HERE FROZEN WHILE I TALK. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
MR. JESUS, QUITE A GUY. BUT NOW PEOPLE ARE SAYING PERHAPS I'M EVEN BETTER THAN
JESUS BECAUSE I'M A SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE, AND CHRIST WAS -- LET'S CALL IT WHAT IT IS -- A
NEPO BABY. OKAY? I MEAN, HIS DAD WAS GOD.
IT'S PRETTY EASY TO START A RELIGION WHEN YOUR DAD IS GOD. HE DID GOOD FRIDAY.
I SAID, WHY NOT MAKE IT GREAT? WE CAN MAKE IT GREAT. WITH ME, WE'LL BE DOING GREAT
FRIDAY, PERHAPS EVEN TGI-FRIDAYS WITH THE STUFF ON THE WALLS AND EVERYTHING.
BUT WE LOVE EASTER, WE LOVE HIDING THE EGG. DON'T WE, FOLKS?
WE LOVE HIDING THE LITTLE EGGS. YOU KNOW I HAVE MANY BEAUTIFUL EGGS FROM MY TIME AT THE WHITE
HOUSE, AND NOW THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE ARE SAYING, WHERE ARE THE EGGS?
WE NEED THE EGGS BACK. BUT I HID THEM. THEY'RE MY EGGS TO TAKE, OKAY?
SO TOMORROW, I WILL EAT MY EASTER HAMBURGER WITH MY FAMILY, OR HOPEFULLY NOT.
AND THEN AFTER THAT, THEY WILL COME FOR ME, LOCK ME AWAY. BECAUSE JUST LIKE JESUS, ALL I
DID WAS BE FRIENDLY TO A SEX WORKER, AND NOW THEY WANT TO PUT ME IN JAIL.
JUST AWFUL. BUT WHO KNOWS, FOLKS, MAYBE PRISON WILL MAKE ME EVEN MORE
POPULAR. LIKE THAT GUY BACK THERE, JESUS OF ASKABAN, THAT GUY.
JESUS OF ASKABAN, HE'S CALLED. AND THAT IS THE STORY OF EASTER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS.
LOOK AT THE FINGERS. DIDN'T STOP DOING THE FINGERS THE WHOLE TIME.
WEIRD CHOICE WITH THE FINGERS. LOOK AT JESUS. SO HAPPY HANUKKAH TO ALL THE
PASSOVERS, AND ALL THE RAMADANS DO. WE LOVE TO SAY RAMADAN.
BUT MOSTLY HAPPY EASTER BECAUSE WE LIKE JESUS, RIGHT? STILL FROZEN WITH THE LITTLE
HANDS. THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO GET TO SAY THE BIG LINE.
MAYBE IF YOU BREAK A BIG POLITICAL CHARACTER, YOU CAN SAY THE BIG LINE.
I'M GOING TO DO IT BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW. SO HAPPY EASTER AND LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST, JONAS BROTHERS. AND YOUR HOST, MOLLY SHANNON.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MOLLY SHANNON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, MY GOD. IT'S SO GREAT TO BE BACK. I'VE HAD SUCH A FUN YEAR.
MY DAUGHTER STELLA STARTED COLLEGE. MY SON NOLAN'S ABOUT TO GRADUATE
HIGH SCHOOL. AND I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT MY LIFE CALLED "HELLO MOLLY."
AND YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE SURPRISED BY HOW HONEST I WAS
ABOUT SOME OF THE HARD TIMES MY FAMILY HAD. I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS,
RIGHT? BUT MY DAD ALWAYS TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY CHIN UP AND NEVER GIVE
UP ON MY SHOW BIZ DREAMS. HE WOULD PLAY ME OLD CLASSIC MUSICALS AND HE WOULD TELL ME,
YOU KNOW, MOLLY, NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS YOU FACE, IF YOU KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, EVERYTHING
WILL TURN OUT OKAY. I CAN ALMOST HEAR HIM NOW SAYING --
* YOU'LL BE SWELL, YOU'LL BE GREAT, GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD ON A PLATE *
* STARTING HERE, STARTING NOW, HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES *
* CURTAIN UP, LIGHT THE LIGHTS, YOU GOT NOTHING TO HIT BUT THE HEIGHT *
>> MOLLY, SORRY TO CRASH YOUR MONOLOGUE, BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'VE GOT PROBLEMS TOO. >> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? >> WELL, I'M NOT REALLY IN THE
SHOW TONIGHT, SO I'M INTERRUPTING YOUR SONG TO GET SOME MORE CAMERA TIME.
CAN I STAY? >> NO. * BLOW A KISS, TAKE A BOW,
HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES * KENAN, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? >> I CAN'T STOP BUYING FAKE ROLEXES.
>> WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? >> I STILL DRESS LIKE A LITTLE
BOY. >> I PRETEND TO HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY FOR ATTENTION.
>> I'M ATTRACTED TO MY THERAPIST. >> I JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR
COVID. >> WAIT, WHAT? * HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP
ROSES * >> HOW ABOUT YOU, THE AUDIENCE? WHO HERE IS EMBARRASSED BY HOW
OFTEN THEY CHECK INSTAGRAM? WHO'S IN AN UNHEALTHY CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?
OH, WE GOT A FEW. WHO LOST THEIR JOB DURING THE PANDEMIC AND SECRETLY HOPES THAT
OTHER PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING TOO? WHAT ABOUT YOU, LAUREN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
>> I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS. >> WHAT ABOUT YOU, MARTIN SHORT? >> I RAN OUT OF OZEMPIC!
>> EVERYONE, COME UP HERE. COME ON. PUT AWAY YOUR PROBLEMS AND STOP
WORRYING. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE --
* YOU'LL BE SWELL, YOU'LL BE GREAT, I CAN TELL, JUST YOU WAIT *
* AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US TILL WE'RE THROUGH * * HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP
ROSES AND DAFFODILS * * EVERYTHING'S COMING UP SUNSHINE AND SANTA CLAUS,
EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES FOR ME AND FOR YOU * >> THANK YOU, DADDY.
SUPERSTAR! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STICK AROUND.
**
NOW, BEING A VALET IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD. FORGOT ABOUT BRAIN SURGERY.
IT'S THE SECOND HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD. >> GOT IT.
>> YES. >> TOTALLY. >> OKAY.
NOW, I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE CAN BE A GREAT VALET, SO LONG AS YOU FOLLOW THESE THREE SIMPLE RULES.
LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, LIL JOG. THIS IS THE CORNER STONE OF QUALITY VALET.
ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE. >> HERE YOU GO. >> OH, THANKS, LADIES.
HEY, YOU KNOW, YOUR SISTER'S QUITE THE LOOKER. >> OH, YOU'RE BAD.
>> Y'ALL ENJOY YOURSELF NOW. >> THAT WAS NEAT. >> THAT WAS THE LITTLEST JOG
I'VE EVER SEEN I THINK. >> THANK YOU. STEVEN, YOUR TURN.
REMEMBER, LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, LIL JOG. >> YES, SIR.
HOWDY FOLKS. >> IT'S A PORSCHE. >> OH, A PORSCHE.
COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING? MY CONDOLENCES, MISS. SHE'S ALL, IS IT IN YET, AND
YOU'RE ALL, I'M GIVING IT ALL SHE'S GOT, CAPTAIN. Y'ALL ENJOY YOURSELF NOW.
>> NOPE. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T EVEN SAY IT.
I GAVE HIM BACK HIS KEYS. I'M SO SORRY. >> THAT AND YOUR JOKE WAS ABOUT
A CUSTOMER'S PENIS, AND YOU RAN AWAY AT TOP SPEED. >> THAT WAS NOT CLOSE TO MY TOP
SPEED, BUTTOCK. >> JUST REMEMBER, KEEP IT LIL. YOU SEE, SEE HOW LIL THIS IS,
TOOK ME TEN YEARS TO GET THIS LIL. >> THAT IS LIL.
>> OKAY, JENNY, YOU WANT TO GO GET THEIR KEYS. >> SURE, OKAY.
>> AGAIN, LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, LIL JOG. >> GOT IT.
HI, THERE, FOLKS. DID I GET THE TICKET? HERE YOU GO.
UM. >> OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> NICE CAR YOU GOT THERE.
I MAY HAVE TO FEEL THAT BABY. I'M JUST KIDDING. I ACTUALLY COULD.
JUST KIDDING. I'M ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. NO.
I'M NOT. I'M REALLY MARRIED, WE BROKE UP, THOUGH.
I MET HIM ONLINE, AND TURNED OUT HE WAS A SICK MIDDLE SCHOOLER USING A HOSPITAL COMPUTER.
>> OKAY, NO. BRING IT ON BACK. OVER HERE.
YEAH. GOOD TRY. BUT I ALMOST WISH YOU STOPPED
AFTER THE FIRST THING YOU SAID. >> OH. WELL, HOW WAS THAT?
>> NOT VERY GOOD. >> I'LL DO IT NEXT TIME. >> STANLEY, YOU WANT TO GIVE IT
A TRY? >> OKEYDOKEY. >> THANK YOU.
>> YOU EVER COME HERE BEFORE? >> WHAT? I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T REALLY HEAR WHAT YOU -- >> PASS! >> YIKES.
YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT HAPPENED THERE, STANLEY? >> YES.
I TALKED TOO QUIET, AND THEN I SAID PASS REAL LOUD. >> THAT'S RIGHT, STANLEY.
GOOD. WE GOT ANOTHER CUSTOMER. >> CAN YOU LET ME TRY THE NEXT
ONE? >> OKAY. FINE.
BUT TAKE IT SLOW, JENNY. >> OKAY. >> CAREFUL.
SHE'S GOT A TEMPER. >> OKAY. ACTUALLY, ME TOO.
I'M KIDDING. NO. ACTUALLY, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.
HOW ABOUT YOU RIP OFF THIS TURQUOISE AND PUT A BABY INSIDE OF ME.
>> BAIL. BAIL. >> GUYS, THIS IS SO HARD THE.
>> I THINK I GOT IT NOW, SIR. >> OKAY. ARE YOU SURE, STANLEY?
>> YEAH. IT'S A LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, AND A LIL JOG.
PRETTY SIMPLE. >> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR. GO GIVE IT A SHOT.
>> ALL RIGHT. LET DO THIS. AHH!
I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR CAR, YOU BLACK BITCH! BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, I KNOW
THAT WASN'T RIGHT. >> JUST FORGET IT. I MEAN, IF WE CAN'T GET THIS
RIGHT, WE MIGHT AS WELL SHUT DOWN. I GUESS RICH PEOPLE CAN PARK
THEIR OWN CARS. >> HEY. HEY, DON'T SAY THAT.
I PROMISE I'LL MAKE YOU PROUD. >> AND I'LL PRACTICE MY JOG EVERY DAY.
>> YOU WILL? AW, THANKS, GUYS. >> YEAH.
ALSO, I ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED ALL THE KEYS. >> ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LET'S GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
>> THREE, TWO, ONE. AND WE'RE LIVE. >> HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF THIS
TIKTOK THING? THE ONLY TIKTOK I HEAR IS MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK.
DON'T GET ME STARTED. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. >> JEANNIE DARCY, SELECTIVE
STARTAGE. >> NO ONE BRINGS IT LIKE JEANNIE DARCY, AND THIS TIME THE
DARCINATOR IS LIVE, WHICH MEANS YOU'RE HEARING HER JOKES AT THE SAME TIME SHE'S TELLING THEM,
INSTEAD OF STREAMING IT LATER, WHICH IS THE REASON MOST PEOPLE GET NETFLIX.
>> I HAD A BRA FITTING THE OTHER DAY. I TRIED ONE ON AND HAD A FIT.
MEN MUST DESIGN THESE THINGS. HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN A JOCK STRAP WITH UNDERWIRE?
AM I RIGHT, LADY FRIENDS? YOU GET MY 411? DO NOT EVEN THINK OF GETTING ME
STARTED. >> JEANNIE DARCY IS A LEGEND. THAT GIRL INSPIRED A WHOLE
GENERATION OF LESBIAN COMEDIANS. >> SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN. >> SAY WHAT NOW?
>> JEANNIE DARCY TAKES NO PRISONERS. >> MY FRIEND GOT A DOG AND
ALWAYS COMPLAINS HE MESSES UP HER HOUSE AND JUMPS IN HER BED. I SAID, ARE YOU SURE IT'S A DOG,
OR IS IT MY EX-HUSBAND? WHO'S WITH ME? DON'T GET ME STARTED.
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. >> OH, MY GOD. JEANNIE IS AWESOME.
SHE EVEN GAVE ME HER SET LIST. >> I PICKED UP ONE OF THOSE NEW TESLA ELECTRIC CARS.
I COULDN'T GET IT STARTED. DON'T GET ME STARTED. >> JEANNIE DARCY, SELECTIVE
STARTAGE, STREAMING LIVE TONIGHT. >> DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.
>>> OH, MY GOD. A WAFFLE MAKER. THAT IS SO NICE, JACKIE.
>> WELL, I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD DO SUNDAY MORNING WAFFLES WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRL.
>> THAT'S SO SWEET I COULD CRY. >> WE'RE JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU, SUSIE.
>> YEAH. AND WE'RE REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU.
>> WELL, I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW MONTHS, UNLESS JIM FIRES ME. >> OH, COME ON NOW.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT. THAT WOULD BE SUPER ILLEGAL. >> AND HEY, EVEN THOUGH I'M
STARTING MATERNITY LEAVE, I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL BE SEEING PLENTY OF ME.
>> I HOPE SO. AFTER ALL, I'M THE GOD FATHER. YOU GAVE ME AN OFFER I COULDN'T
REFUSE. I'M STILL WORKING ON THE IMPRESS.
>> I JUST CAN'T GET OVER HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK. >> CAN YOU T YOU, KENNEDY.
HONESTLY, I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER FELT BETTER. MY NAILS ARE STRONG, MY SKIN
LOOKS GREAT. I'M JUST GLOWING. THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER
WANTED. >> THAT IS SO INSPIRING. >> WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS
WITH THIS SAYING I FOUND ON BRAINY QUOTE.COM THAT REALLY CAPTURES KIND OF THE WAY I'M
FEELING RIGHT NOW. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. A MOTHER ALWAYS HAS TO THINK
TWICE, ONCE FOR HERSELF, AND ONCE FOR HER CHILD. >> AWW.
>> THAT JUST ABSOLUTELY NAILS MATERNAL FEELINGS SURGING THROUGH MY BODY.
ANYWAY, LET ME JUST GRAB THIS WAFFLE MAKER. [ FLATULENT NOISE ]
GODDAMNIT, NOT AGAIN! HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?
>> UM, I'M SORRY. WAS THAT -- >> A FART, YES, JIM, I RIPPED A
BIG OLD FART. ARE YOU HAPPY? >> NO.
I DEFINITELY WOULDN'T SAY HAPPY. >> SO IT WAS -- >> NOT A BABY, JUST GAS, YEAH,
KENNEDY, OBVIOUSLY. GUESS YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WAFFLE MAKER BACK.
I CAN'T MAKE SUNDAY MORNING WAFFLES FOR A FART. >> JUST KEEP IT.
I'M TOO EMBARRASSED TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M RETURNING IT. >> DAMN IT.
I'VE BEEN PLAYING MOZART TO A GAS BUBBLE FOR EIGHT FREAKING MONTHS.
I'M SO STUPID. >> SMELLS LIKE MAYBE IT WAS TWINS.
>> DIDN'T YOU GO TO A DOCTOR? >> WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR, JACKIE, A FART DOCTOR?
WELL, WHATEVER, AT LEAST I STILL GET SIX MONTHS MATERNITY LEAVE. >> YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT.
YOU FORFEITED YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE WHEN YOU STUNK UP THE OFFICE.
>> SO, SUSIE, THIS HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE? FOUR TIMES?
>> HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, SUSIE? >> OH, MY GOD.
>> WHAT? >> I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE I ARE EM
THIS MORNING ON THE BUS, AN OLD MAN GAVE ME HIS SEAT, AND THEN THE BUS HIT A BUMP, AND HE FELL
DOWN IN THE AISLE, AND HE DIED. >> THAT WAS THIS MORNING? >> WHATEVER.
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS I CAN START DRINKING AGAIN. >> YOU DO KNOW YOU AT WORK,
RIGHT? >> HEY, SUSIE. I GOT YOUR LUNCH ORDER FROM THE
CAFETERIA. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVAN. >> NO PROBLEM.
>> WHAT DID YOU GET? >> OH, I GET THE SAME THING EVERY DAY.
I GET CAT FISH SLIDERS. >> WOW. >> MM.
THIS IS REALLY HITTING THE SPOT IN A VERY UNBELIEVABLE WAY. MM.
>> SUSIE, LOOK AT YOUR STOMACH. >> OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A MIRACLE. >> NO. >> IT'S A MIRACLE.
>> NO. >> GUYS, I HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING NEWS.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I'M PREGNANT AGAIN. WELL, THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE A
PREGNANCY TEST. CALL IT A MOTHER'S INTUITION. I REALLY THINK IT WILL BE A NICE
GESTURE FOR ALL OF YOU TO ORGANIZE A BABY SHOWER FOR ME. >> YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT, SUSIE.
IT'S JUST GAS FROM YOUR HUNGRY ASS CAT FISH SLIDERS AT 11:00 A.M.
>> LOOK, KENNEDY, I KNOW YOU'RE A SINGLE GAL WHORING AROUND THE CITY, SO YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY
UNDERSTAND HOW -- [ FLATULENT NOISE ] OH, MY GOD.
NO. HOW MUCH SUFFERING CAN ONE MOTHER BEAR?
WHATEVER. WELL, AT LEAST I CAN SMOKE AGAIN.
>> WAIT, SUSIE -- DON'T LIGHT THAT CIGAR!
ARE YOU GUYS FREE TO TALK? >> MOLLY! >> HEY, MOLLY.
>> COME ON IN. WE'RE PLAGUE SOME VIDEO GAMES. >> YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH --
>> WAIT, WHAT GAME IS THIS. >> MOLLY 2 K 23. >> IT'S REALLY FUN.
YOU PLAY AS MOLLY SHANNON BOUNCING YOUR CAREER AS AN ACTOR WITH RAISING A FAMILY.
>> AND THAT'S HOW I EMBARRASSED MYSELF IN FRONT OF OBAMA. >> OH, YOU JUST CRACKED JIMMY
UP. >> THERE'S A GAME ABOUT MY LIFE? >> OH, DUDE.
WE UNLOCKED AN NYU COMMENTMENT SPEECH. PRESS A TO GET KIDS -- OR PRESS
B. >> THIS GENERATION IS A BUNCH OF SNOWFLAKES.
>> CAREER SETBACK. >> DAMN IT. THAT MADE US DROP ALL OUR
TURNUPS. >> WHAT ARE TURNUPS? >> THEY ARE DOLLARS.
YOU CAN USE THEM TO BUY OUTFITS. >> SHOULDN'T I BE GETTING PAID OR SOMETHING.
>> I WOULD ASSUME SO. THEY HAVE BEEN MAKING THEM FOR YEARS.
>> WE'VE BEEN PLAYING THEM SINCE WE WERE KIDS. >> OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT MY DAUGHTER? >> YEP. JUST GIVING STELLA THE BIRDS AND
THE BEES TALK. >> AND REMEMBER, ALWAYS USE TWO CONDOMS.
>> THANKS, MOM. >> HERE'S A TURNIP. >> I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW. >> COMBAT MODE. OUR MOLLYS ARE FIGHTING TO THE
DEATH. WE CAN ALSO DO THE SKATE LEVEL. WE JUST LEARNED HOW TO MAKE
TWISTS. >> 2 K 24 IS SUPPOSED TO BE FLAWLESS.
>> EMOTIONAL LEVELS ARE LOW. WE GOT TO GO TO THE THERAPIST. >> IN COLLEGE I ACTUALLY DATED A
WOMAN. >> HOW DOES IT KNOW THAT? >> THIS GAME RULES.
YOU CAN BE ANY MOLLY SHANNON YOU WANT. YOU CAN BE A SUPERHERO OR A
RAPPER. >> I DON'T WANT TO BE A RAPPER. I WANT TO BE MYSELF.
>> I'M TIRED OF GETTING YELLED AT FOR A HOPBY I HAVE. SEE YOU LATER, MOLLY.
>> OH, MY -- MOLLY, ARE YOU PLAYING THE GAME STILL. >> I BECAME A RAPPER.
>> WHAT? >> MY NAME IS MOLLY THE RAPPER, AND I'M REALLY GOOD NOW.
I'M ON LEVEL 99. * SAY MY MOTHER-LOVING NAME, YOU KNOW IT'S MOLLY SHANNON *
* DOING HIGH KICKS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE LOVE IS. GOT MY FINGERS IN MY ARMS, CAN'T
PULL THEM OUT * * LIKE A CALIBER, SEASON 25 CALIBER, PUNKS GETTING MARY
CATHERINE GALLAGHER, BITCH. >> OH, MY -- MOLLY SHANNON THE RAPPER.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. >> THAT WAS SO GOOD. >> THAT'S NOT GATORADE.
>> OH, MY GOD! >> BITCH.
FANCY PLAY WRITE. I'M SO PROUD. >> THANKS, BRIAN.
>> I'M SO SORRY TO BUG YOU. I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WRITING. I SEE ALL YOUR PLAYS.
YOU'RE SO BRILLIANT. >> THAT'S SO SWEET. THIS IS THE FIRST PLAY THAT'S
ACTUALLY ABOUT MY LIFE. I'M NERVOUS, BRIAN. >> DON'T BE.
EVERYBODY'S GOING TO LOVE IT. >> SOPHIE, WHAT'S HAPPENING? IT'S YOUR WEDDING DAY.
AND EVERYONE'S EXPECTING YOU TO SAY I DO. BUT DO YOU?
OR FOR ONCE, WOULD YOU RATHER DO YOU? GIRL, YOU DON'T LOVE HIS SORRY
ASS. >> GOD, THIS ACTRESS, SHE'S AMAZING.
>> WHOA, YOU ALMOST GOT MARRIED? OKAY. I'M SURPRISED THAT NEVER CAME
UP. >> YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE YOUR TRUTH, SOPHIE.
YOU'RE GOING TO LEF THIS CHUMP, AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A YEAR OF A THOUSAND MEN.
AND SO I DID. I DATED A THOUSAND MEN IN ONE YEAR.
AND THAT'S WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED. * CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE *
>> DID SHE SAY A THOUSAND? THAT'S MORE THAN TWO A DAY. >> IT EXPLAINS.
>> WHO DID I DATE, YOU ASK? EVERYONE FROM FINANCE BROS WITH PERFECT ABS TO BROOKLYN ARTISTS
WITH UNCUT DONGS. AND THE LESS I WANTED THEM, THE MORE THEY WANTED ME.
I WAS PULLED IN ALL DIRECTIONS. >> SOPHIE. >> SOPHIE.
>> I WANT TO GET DRUNK ON YOUR
FUMES. >> AND I DON'T WANT TO USE A CONDOM.
>> FINE BY ME. >> I THINK I'M GOING TO HEAD OUT.
>> BABE, DON'T. IT'S LOOSELY BASED ON MY LIFE. IT'S NOT ALL TRUE.
>> ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, THERE HAVE BEEN NO EMBELLISHMENTS.
ABOUT 998 BANGS LATER, I WAS STILL FEELING TOTALLY UNFULFILLED.
BUT ALL OF THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE, BECAUSE I MET THE ONE. >> OKAY.
THAT'S SWEET, I GUESS. >> MY EX, TREVOR, THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.
>> HEY, BABE. I HOPE YOU DIDN'T MIND BEING ON TV WHILE WE SAT COURTSIDE AT THE
LAKERS GAME. >> NO. THAT'S OKAY.
I KNOW ALL THOSE GUYS ANYWAY. >> WHAT? THE LAKERS?
>> BUT THEN I FOUND OUT AN UGLY TRUTH ABOUT HIM. >> DOCTORS TOLD ME I HAVE A
CONDITION. WHERE ANY TIME YOU CLIMAX IN THE FUTURE, IT WILL STILL BE BECAUSE
OF ME. >> AND THEN, HE BROKE UP WITH ME.
HE MOVED TO ANAHEIM TO PURSUE HIS DREAM OF RUNNING SOCIAL MEDIA FOR GRUB HUB.
SO THE NEXT DAY, I WENT TO A BOWLING ALLY TO GET SLOPPY DRUNK WHEN -- SOME GUY APPROACHED ME.
>> HELLO. I'M BRIAN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT?
>> UM, WHATEVER, I GUESS. >> OH, MY GOD. >> WELL, MY GIRLFRIEND, SOPHIE,
A FANCY PLAY WRITE. I'M SO PROUD. HIGH FIVE.
NOBODY? OKAY. >> AND AFTER FOUR WEEKS OF
DATING, I COULDN'T HOLD HIM OFF ANYMORE. I HAD TO BUCK UP AND FINALLY
HAVE SEX WITH HIM. >> WHOO! AS THEY SAY, THERE'S A FIRST
TIME FOR EVERYTHING. >> IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFULLY BLAND EXPERIENCES OF
MY LIFE. >> OKAY. >> AND THERE IT WAS, I HAD
REACHED MY 1,000th MAN. IT WAS TIME TO OFFICIALLY SETTLE IN, UNTIL, I MET SOMEONE WHO
WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE. >> SORRY TO BUG YOU. I'M JUST A HUGE FAN OF OUR
WRITING. I SEE ALL YOUR PLAYS. YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
>> I MET MR. 1,001. >> WAIT. IS THAT THE GUY FROM FIVE
MINUTES AGO? OH, COME ON!
BROTHERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * HEY NOW
WE NEVER KNEW HOW TO FORFEIT * * HEY NOW
WE ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO TALK* HEY NOW *
* COUPLE NIGHTS THREW GASOLINE ON THE FIRE
HEY NOW * * WE NEVER HOW TO PERFECT HEY NOW
WE ALWAYS KNEW IT WOULD WORK 'CAUSE * * IF SOMETHING MISREAD
OR IF SOMETHING GOT SAID KNOW BEFORE THE NIGHT ENDS * * NO DON'T GET STRESSED IT'S
GONNA GET FIGURED OUT OH DEEP CONVERSATIONS AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE *
* HEADSTRONG FATHER AND A DETERMINED MOTHER * * OH, THAT'S WHY SOME NIGHTS WE
WOULD TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER * * BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE, HEY NOW *
* WE NEVER KNEW HOW TO FAKE IT HEY NOW *
* WE ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO BREAK HEY NOW *
* COUPLE NIGHTS THREW GASOLINE ON THE FIRE 'CAUSE *
* IF SOMETHING MISREAD OR IF SOMETHING GOT SAID KNOW BEFORE THE NIGHT ENDS *
* NO DON'T GET STRESSED IT'S GONNA GET FIGURED OUT OH DEEP CONVERSATIONS
AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE * * HEADSTRONG FATHER AND A DETERMINED MOTHER *
* OH, THAT'S WHY SOME NIGHTS WE WOULD TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER *
* BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE * * NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA YOU KNOW IT'S ALL LOVE * * NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA * * BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS GON' GET FIGURED OUT
DEEP CONVERSATIONS AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE * * HEADSTRONG FATHER
AND A DETERMINED MOTHER * * OH THAT'S WHY SOME NIGHTS WE TRIED TO KILL EACH OTHER
BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE * * NA NA NA *
OH YEAH NA NA NA NA YOU KNOW IT'S ALL LOVE * * NA NA NA
HEY NA NA NA NA YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE * * NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. THE WALL STREET JOURNAL IS CALLING ON RUSSIA TO RELEASE ONE
OF THEIR JOURNALISTS WHO WAS ARRESTED ON ESPIONAGE CHARGES, AND I MIGHT HAVE THE PERFECT
IDEA FOR A PRISONER SWAP. FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS ARRAIGNED ON TUESDAY, AND A
PHOTOGRAPHER RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF TRUMP IN THE COURTROOM, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT HE'S SLANKED BY
AN O.J. AMOUNT OF LAWYERS BECAUSE THAT TELLS ME HE'S DEFINITELY GUILTY AND HE'S
DEFINITELY GETTING AWAY WITH IT. TRUMP'S LAWYER, JOE TACOPINA, AKA, PHONY SOPRANO, SAID THAT HE
DOESN'T THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO GET A FAIR TRIAL IN MANHATTAN. I AGREE.
EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST SEEMS TO HATE HIM. WHEN HE SHOWED UP, I THOUGHT HE
LOOKED PERFECTLY NICE. HE HAD BLENDED HIS FOUNDATION. HE HAD STAPLED DOWN HIS HAIR.
BUT THE GUY STILL DREW HIM LIKE THE MUD MONSTER FROM SCOOBY-DOO, >> AFTER HIS ARRAIGNMENT, DONALD
TRUMP SPOKE TO SUPPORTERS AT MAR-A-LAGO AND SAID THERE WAS A VERY DARK CLOUD OVER OUR BELOVED
COUNTRY, WHICH IS ALSO WHAT HE USED TO CALL OBAMA. INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT SINCE
DONALD TRUMP'S INDICTMENT, HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA HAS BEEN ABSENT, AND HIS OTHER DAUGHTER TIFFANY
IS TRYING TO TAKE HER PLACE BY HIS SIDE, JUST AS SOON AS SHE GETS THROUGH SECURITY.
REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN SEEN HERE SHOUTING, JUMP, YOU COWARD!
VISITED NEW YORK TO PROTEST THE ARREST OF DONALD TRUMP AND CALLED THE CITY FILTHY,
DISGUSTING, AND REPULSIVE. AS A NEW YORKER, LET ME JUST SAY, YOU FORGOT RAT INFESTED.
DON'T FORGET OUR RATS. >> NEVER. A NEW REPORT DECLARES FOR
DECADES, CHARNS THOMAS AND HIS WIFE WENT ON LUXURY TRIPS BY REPUBLICAN MEGADONOR, AND
WHITEST GUY WITH THE BLACKEST NAME, HARLAN CROW. BECAUSE JUSTICE THOMAS HANDLED
GIFTS FROM REPUBLICANS THE SAME WAY HE HANDLES SUPREME COURT CASES, WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
IT WAS ALSO REPORTED TODAY THAT HARLAN CROW HAS A VAST COLLECTION OF NAZI MEMORABILIA,
INCLUDING COPIES SIGNED BY HITLER. THE SIGNATURE READS, DEAR
HARLAN, BIG FAN. >> TENNESSEE REPUBLICANS EXPELLED TWO BLACK LAWMAKERS FOR
PROTESTING GUN VIOLENCE, BUT DID NOT EXPEL A WHITE PROTESTOR. THEY SAID, THEY KNOW WHAT IT
LOOKED LIKE, BUT THEY WERE ACTUALLY EXPELLED BECAUSE THEIR SKIN WAS BLACK.
>> FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, WHO ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOLD HIM TO GO HOME AND
GET HIS SHINE BOX SIGNED A BILL THAT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO CARRY GUNS WITHOUT A PERMIT.
BECAUSE FLORIDA IS DANGEROUS, AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO RUN UP TO YOU AND
SAY GAY. >> JILL BIDEN WILL ATTEND THE CORONATION ALONG WITH HER PLUS
ONE, THE IOWA WOMEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM. >> KING CHARLES SAID RESEARCHERS
WILL BE GIVE ACCESS TO ROYAL AR KOOIS AFS IT WAS DISCOVERED HIS ANCESTORS HAD STAKE IN A
SLAVE-TRADING COMPANY. YEAH, IT WAS CALLED ENGLAND. >> THIS WEEK, RON DeSANTIS
RAMPED UP HIS WAR ON DISNEY. HERE TO COMMENT IS THE VILLAIN FROM THE MOVIE ALADDIN, JAFAR.
>> HELLO, MICHAEL. SO THIS IS THE FAMOUS ROCKEFELLER PALACE.
>> OKAY. SO, JAFAR, AS A DISNEY CHARACTER, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
RON DeSANTIS? >> YOU MEAN, THE BOY? WELL, MICHAEL, AS FAR AS
VILLAINS GO, THE BOY IS AN AMATEUR. HE HAS NO RIZ, NO SPARK, NO
DRIP. THE LOOK IS GIVING BABY MAYOR. HE DID WEAR THOSE WHITE COWBOY
BOOTS, BUT LET'S BE HONEST, THEY WORE HIM. >> WELL, HE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE
PART, BUT ARE YOU SAYING DeSANTIS ISN'T BAD ENOUGH? >> NOT AT ALL.
DON'T GET ME WRONG. THE BOY IS PLENTY EVIL. BANNING ROSA PARKS IN SCHOOLS.
I'M A DARK SOURCER, AND HEN I WAS LIKE, IT'S ROSA PARKS. >> NOW HE'S COMING AFTER DISNEY
BECAUSE OF HIS STANCE OF THE DON'T SAY GAY BILL. >> YOU CAN'T PREVENT DISNEY
WORLD FROM BEING GAY. THAT CARPET HAS FLOWN. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> NO, I REALLY DON'T. >> I MEAN IF YOU OPEN UP GRINDER ON MAIN STREET USA, YOUR PHONE
EXPLODES. EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE PARK, IT'S NOTHING BUT 40-YEAR-OLD MEN
WITH BRACES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT IT AIN'T STRAIGHT.
>> OH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE -- >> A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE
LOAFERS? DID MY STASH NOT TIP YOU OFF? OF COURSE I'M GAY, YOU FOOL.
MY EYE LINER ON POINT. MY FORM AS A YOLKED GENIE WITH NAILS.
YEAH, MICHAEL, I LOVE COOCH. >> I GOT IT. WELL, SEEMS LIKE DeSANTIS
DOESN'T EVEN WANT ANYTHING REMOTELY GAY HAPPENING AT DISNEY WORLD AT ALL.
>> THERE'S ALREADY A DISNEY WORLD WHERE NOTHING GAY HAPPENS. IT'S CALLED SIX FLAGS.
THERE ARE LOTS OF DIFFERENCES AT DISNEY, MICHAEL. URSULA IS A LESBIAN, SCAR IS BI,
AND MULAN JUST GOT TOP SURGE ARE I. NOW IF I MAY, I WOULD LIKE TO
ADDRESS THE BOY, DeSANTIS. WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE SWAMP RAT. BRAVO ATTEMPTING TO SEE THE
PRECIOUS LAND ONLY IT WOULD BE THWARTED AGAIN BY THE HOUSE OF MOUSE.
YOU CAN TRY TO STOP US, BOY, BUT WE WILL OUTSMART YOU AT EVERY TURN.
DON'T SAY GAY? WELL, IF THERE IS NO GAY, THERE IS NO DISNEY, AND EVERYONE LOVES
DISNEY, INCLUDING YOU BECAUSE YOUR DUMB ASS GOT MARRIED THERE, AND THAT'S THE GAYEST THING YOU
CAN DO! SO I'M SORRY, THE GAYS SHALL STAY, AND YOU CACHE AWAY.
WHERE WERE WE, MICHAEL? OH, YES, YOUR EARRING, IT INTRIGUES ME.
>> NO, NO, NO. JAFAR, EVERYBODY. >> I SAW YOU AT THE GRAND
FLORIDIAN. IT WAS A GORGEOUS
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT THE AVERAGE CHILD THROWS A TANTRUM FOUR TIMES A WEEK, WEEKNIGHTS ON
FOX. >> RUPERT MURDOCH'S ENGAGEMENT TO ANN LESLIE SMITH HAS BEEN
CALLED OFF. APPARENTLY, SHE GOT COLD FEET AFTER MURDOCH PASSED HIS
PHYSICAL. IN A NEW DOCUMENTARY, POPE FRANCIS PRAISES THE SIR CHEWS OF
SEX, CALLING IT ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO THE HUMAN PERSON.
NOT THE WAY I DO IT. AM I RIGHT, COLIN? >> NO.
>> OKAY. >> I HOPE NOT. I DON'T KNOW.
A WOMAN HAS BEEN TRAVELING THE WORLD SO SHE'S GONE ON 34 FIRST DATES IN NEARLY 20 COUNTRIES.
HERE SECRET? SHE'S BEING SEX TRAFFICKED.
WEEK WHEN LSU WOMEN'S BASKETBALL STAR ANGEL REESE REFUSED AN INVITATION TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO
CELEBRATE HER TEAM'S NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. BUT NOW SHE HAS DECIDED TO GO.
SO HERE TO COMMENT IS ANGEL REESE. >> YEAH, THE BAYOU BARBIE IS IN
THE BUILDING. LOUISIANA, STAND UP. >> WELL, ANGEL, YOU HAD QUITE A
WEEK. >> YEAH. I GOT PEOPLE BIG MAD.
FIRST THEY WAS MAD BECAUSE I WAS TAUNTING, BUT ALL I DID WAS THIS.
YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I PULLED MY NIPPLE OUT AND FLICKED IT ON NATIONAL TV.
THEN THEY WERE MAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
BUT, CHE, THEY INVITED IOWA TOO. >> BUT THEY LOST. >> EXACTLY.
IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, WHEN YOU LOSE, YOU TAKE YOUR ASS HOME.
BUT THEN, WHITE GIRLS LOSE, AND SUDDENLY, IT'S ALL TEAMS MATTER. >> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU CHANGED
YOUR MIND. THAT WILL BE PRETTY COOL. >> YEAH.
IT WILL BE COOL, FOR THEM. I'M A BIG DEAL NOW, CHE. SINCE COLLEGE PLAYERS GET
ENDORSEMENTS NOW, I'M ABOUT TO CASH IN. AND MY BRAND WORKS FOR ANYTHING.
HOW THIS SOUND, CHE? DEGREE DEODERANT, Y'ALL STANK. >> IT SEEMS AGGRESSIVE.
>> OKAY. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? GARDEN GNOMES, MAN, GET YOUR LIL
ASS OUT MY FACE! >> THAT'S A COMMERCIAL FOR GARDEN GNOMES?
>> YEAH. IT'S THE MONEY, RIGHT? NOW, HERE'S MY FAVORITE.
BIG-ASS EYELASHES, EMPOWERING WOMEN BALLERS AND -- SINCE 1972. >> I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THE
MOMENT. >> YEAH, I AM. LAST WEEK, WOMEN'S SPORTS WAS
BORING, NOW ALL Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT WOMEN SPORTS THIS WEEK. MAN, I DROPPED 15 ON IOWA.
I WENT HARD IN THE PAINT. I DROPPED TEN BOARDS WITHOUT EVEN MESSING UP ANY EYELASHES.
THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS NOT GETTING MORE BUCKETS. I COULD HAVE PICKED THAT BALL
UP, DROPPED IT ON THE GIRL'S HEAD LIKE I WAS ON AN AND-ONE TOUR, BUT I WAS IN FOUL TROUBLE,
SO I HAD TO CHILL. AND NOW I'M SITTING BACK GETTING ALL THIS BABY GAP MONEY.
>> WHY ARE YOU ENDORSED BY BABY GAP? >> BECAUSE ALL THESE BITCHES IS
MY SON. >> ANGEL, REESE, EVERYBODY. >> YOU CAN'T SEE ME.
WE GOING BACK TO BACK. ANGEL REESE.
DESIGNED TO HELP WOMEN TRAVEL ALONE SAFELY BY PROVIDING PEOPLE TO GREET THEM WHEN THEY ARRIVE
AT AIRPORTS OR HOTELS, AND IT'S BEING USED FOR MURDER. >> A VIRGINIA MAN WHO PRANKS
PEOPLE FOR YOUTUBE VIDEOS WAS SHOT WHILE TRICKING SOMEONE IN A MALL.
GOOD. A 106-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN THE PHILIPPINES HAS BECOME THE
OLDEST VOGUE COVER MODEL EVER, BEATING THE PREVIOUS RECORD OF 29.
>> A JEOPARDY CONTESTANT THIS WEEK WAS FORCED TO QUIT SOCIAL MEDIA AFTER PEOPLE SAID HIS
MUSTACHE LOOKED LIKE HITLERS. THE CONTESTANT SAID HE'S SO MAD THAT HE'S HAD IT UP TO HERE.
>> NASA HAS NAMED THE FOUR ASTRONAUTS IT WILL SEND ON THE ARTEMIS II MISSION TO THE MOON.
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, I THINK I KNOW WHO'S DYING FIRST. HE CAN DO THE HITLER SALUTE,
THOUGH.
OFFICE IN PERSON. HERE TO COMMENT IS YOUR COWORKER SEEMINGLY BUSY DOING NOTHING.
>> WE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK BECAUSE I REALLY GOT TO GET BACK.
I GOT TO GET BACK. >> OH, OKAY. WELL, YOU JUST GOT HERE,
CRYSTAL. AND THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> ICE BREAKER, ICE BREAKER.
COLIN, HOW ARE YOU? DON'T ANSWER THAT. LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME TO
HEAR YOUR ANSWER. I AM SO SLAMMED. >> SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK.
>> UM, THIS. >> WOW. OKAY.
WELL, I GUESS I WOULD LOVE TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT YOU DO IN A DAY.
>> UM, YEAH. WHAT DON'T I DO? OKAY.
ASK MY TEAM. WHERE ARE THEY? ON MY BACK.
AND MY PHONE'S BLOWING UP. I'M IN HELL. >> I'M SORRY YOU'RE SO SLAMMED,
CRYSTAL. >> I NEED A VACATION, BUT KNOWING ME, I WOULD BRING MY
WORK PHONE, AKA, MY HUSBAND. >> OKAY. WELL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU
KISSED YOUR PHONE. I'M SO CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT YOUR JOB IS.
>> COLIN, TO EXPLAIN IT, THE LEVEL I WOULD HAVE TO START OUT, I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE BAND
WIDTH -- OH, MY -- OH, MY -- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD, OKAY.
OH, MY GOD. >> ALL RIGHT. >> LOOK.
>> YEAH. THIS IS A SIGNUP SHEET FOR BIRTHDAY CAKE.
>> YEAH. YEP. AND THEN BRINGING OREO
CHEESECAKE. THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK. THERE GOES MY EASTER SUNDAY.
>> WHY WOULD THERE GO YOUR EASTER SUNDAY? >> AND DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, I'M
SCREWED. >> CRYSTAL, CAN YOU JUST TELL ME ONE THING YOU DO?
>> YEAH. OKAY. LOOK.
ALL RIGHT. SO LOOK AT MY SPREAD SHEET, OKAY?
THESE ARE ALL EMAILS I RECEIVED. NOW YOU UNDERSTAND? >> NO, I DON'T.
NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHERE DO YOU WORK? >> IN THE WEEDS.
>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I MEAN SPECIFICALLY.
SPECIFICALLY. SPECIFICALLY, WHERE? >> NECK DEEP.
>> THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER. WHAT DO YOU DO? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I
DON'T DO, EAT. HAVEN'T EATEN IN A MONTH. >> OH, MY GOD.
CRYSTAL, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. >> MM, KALE SEE CZAR.
MY FAVORITE. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S KIND OF NICE EATING AT THE TABLE AND NOT ON A
TOILET. >> YOU EAT ON THE TOILET? >> AND I SHOT GOT A CALL ON MY
SALAD PHONE. >> WHAT DOES IT SAY? >> I'M SCREWED.
>> STOP THROWING THINGS! >> KEEP TALKING BECAUSE I AM LISTENING.
AND I -- OH, MY GOD. I JUST PULLED MY PINKY. >> CRYSTAL, JUST STOP.
I JUST SAW ON YOUR COMPUTER THAT ALL YOU HAVE OPEN IS A BUNCH OF TABS FOR ANN TAYLOR LOFT.
>> FOR WORK CLOTHES BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS HERE. >> RIGHT.
AND WHERE? LIKE HONESTLY, WHAT DO YOU DO? >> I'M CHE'S ASSISTANT.
>> OKAY. >> HEY, MAN, CRYSTAL'S THE BEST. >> YOUR VERY BUSY COWORKER,
>>> OKAY. LOOKS LIKE OUR ACTORS HAVE ARRIVED ON SET.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DO THIS THING? >> I KNOW I'M READY.
>> YES. >> YES. >> KEITH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME DO THIS DRUG COMMERCIAL. I'M SOMEONE WHO NEVER THOUGHT
MUCH ABOUT MEDICATIONS UNTIL I GOT OLDER, BUT THIS SCRIPT IS REALLY SENSITIVE TO WOMEN'S
ISSUES AND HONESTLY I THINK WILL HELP PEOPLE. >> WELL, THANK YOU.
I HOPE SO TOO. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GIVE IT A TRY, HUH?
>> I THINK THAT SOUNDS TERRIFIC. >> ALL RIGHT. PLACES, EVERYBODY.
AND ACTION * THERE'S A NEW DRUG FOR GALS OVER 40, IT'S HORMONE-FREE AND
MADE JUST FOR ME * * EASY TO USE AND IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *
* THAT'S UNEXPECTED, SO WHAT IS IT CALLED * * IT'S CALLED VA JERTED, HOW
GREAT A NAME IS THAT, IT'S CALLED VAGERTED * * AND WHERE IS IT INSERTED *
* YOU ALREADY KNOW * >> NOT BAD FOR A FIRST TAKE, Y'ALL.
>> I ACTUALLY HAVE A QUESTION. >> YOU DON'T THINK IT'S DIGNIFIED ENOUGH.
>> NO. I ACTUALLY LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH VAGERTED.
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF WE'RE ALL DOING IT JUSTICE. SOME OF US ARE UP HERE REALLY
SELLING IT AND SOME OF US, OR MAYBE ONE OR TWO OF US ARE NOT GIVING IT THE SAME ENERGY.
I DON'T WANT TO POINT FINGER. IT WOULD BE SO SAD IF PEOPLE DIDN'T BUY VAGERTED BECAUSE THE
DANCING WAS MID. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. BUT I ALSO HAVE A QUESTION.
THIS DRUG IS FOR MEN PAUSE, RIGHT, SO WHY DOESN'T THE SONG COME OUT AND SAY THAT?
>> WELL, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL. LET'S TRY THIS NEXT VERSE AND
GIVE IT MORE ENERGY THIS TIME. >> THAT'S A GREAT NOTE. IT'S A GREAT NOTE FOR EVERYONE.
>> AND ACTION! * IN JUST ONE WEEK, YOU'LL NOTICE A DIFFERENCE, INSERT IT
DOWN THERE JUST AS DEEP AS YOU CAN * * GOOD-BYE LABIDO, VAGERTED,
THAT'S THE NAME THEY CLOSE, THEY CLOSE VAGERTED * COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S DANCE.
>> VAGITA IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY, SO ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF IT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.
IF HE SAYS NO, FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR. JUST KEEP GOING TO DIFFERENT
DOCTORS UNTIL ONE OF THEM SAYS YOU CAN TAKE VAGITA. >> WHAT DID HE CALL IT?
>> DO NOT USE VAGITA IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO VAGITA. IF YOU ARE ALERNL IT TO PEANUTS,
DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR VA JURY TA. SOME PEOPLE LIKE VAGITA, SOME PEOPLE DO NOT.
I THINK IT'S VERY NICE. CLINICAL TRIALS HAVE NOT BEEN COMPLETES IN THE SENSE THAT THEY
HAVE NOT STARTED. >> THAT'S NOT GOOD. >> VAGITA SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN
ORALLY, EVEN THOUGH IT TASTES REAL GOOD. VAGITA IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.
IT GIVES YOU AN ALCOHOL-LIKE BUZZ WITHOUT A HANGOVER. I WISH I HAD VAGITA SO I COULD
TAKE IT. TRY VAGINA TODAY. >> OKAY, CAN WE STOP.
>> YEAH. HE JUST SAID TRY VAGINA TODAY. THIS PRODUCT SOUNDS REALLY
AWFUL. >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S AWFUL. LOOK AROUND.
IT'S LIKE ONE OF US IS BEYONCE AND THE OTHER TWO ARE REALLY BAD AT DANCING.
>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? YOU WERE SO NICE AT THE AUDITION.
>> YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I DO. >> OKAY.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE. >> GOOD LUCK, KEITH. YOU'LL NEVER REPLACE US.
>> WELL, NOW WHAT DO WE DO? >> HIT THE MUSIC. * THERE'S A NEW DRUG FOR GALS
OVER 40, IT'S CALLED VA-JAY-JAY * >> I THINK IT'S VAGERTED.
>> WHATEVER.
** * I GET TO SEE LIGHTNING IN HER HEART
NEVER ENDING LIGHT WHAT A THOUGHT * * DARLING YOU'D MAKE
THE WALLS CRY DARLING YOU'D MAKE THE WALLS CRY *
* 'CAUSE TIME IS A DOORFRAME I WANNA GO THROUGH AS LONG AS IT LEADS ME
BACK TO YOU YEAH * * IF YOU EVER LEFT ME I WOULD DIE
AND EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * **
* WHENEVER YOUR HEADLIGHTS DO YOUR HEART
I LOVE YOU ALL OVER EVERY START OHH * * DARLING YOU'D MAKE
THE WALLS CRY DARLING YOU'D MAKE THE WALLS CRY *
* 'CAUSE TIME IS A DOORFRAME I WANNA GO THROUGH AS LONG AS IT LEADS ME
BACK TO YOU YEAH * * IF YOU EVER LEFT ME I WOULD DIE
AND EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY
LEVANTATE EN AMOR EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY *
* LEVANTATE EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY LEVANTATE
EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY
EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY *
AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY
EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY AS WE PROCEED TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED *
* EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY *
* AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY *
* EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY AS WE PROCEED TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED *
* EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY *
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** >>> OKAY, OKAY. SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
GIRLS, TAKE A GREAT. GRETEL, TURBO. COME ON, WE NEED TO TALK.
>> WHAT'S UP? >> WELL, AS THE JONAS BROTHERS MANAGER, PART OF MY JOB IS TO
DELIVER BAD NEWS. THE BOYS WANT TO HIRE A NEW CHOREOGRAPHER.
>> YOU CAN'T FIRE US. WE INVENTED JOE BRO CORE OWE. >> I GAVE NICK HIS HEAD BOP.
I TOLD HIM TO GO SIDE TO SIDE WITH A FINGER SHIMMY. >> BE THAT AS IT MAY, THE BOYS
FEEL THEY'RE NOT A TEENY BOPPER BAND ANYMORE. AND THEY WANT A MORE MATURE
STAGE ACT. >> THAT MA CHUR? WHO DO THEY THINK CAN DO THAT?
>> HARD TO DESCRIBE. EASIER TO SEE. LET HER IN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MY NAME IS SALLY O'MALLEY. I'M 50 YEARS OLD.
NOT ONE OF THOSE GALS WHO'S AFRAID TO TELL HER REAL AGE. AND I LIKE TO KICK, STRETCH, AND
KICK! AND I'M 50 YEARS OLD. 50 YEARS OLD.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. THE BOYS WERE VISITING THEIR GRANDMOTHER, AND SHE TOOK THEM
TO HER SENIOR CENTER'S PRODUCTION OF ANNIE, AND SALLY HERE WAS STARRING, AND SHE
ROCKED THEIR WORLD. THEY DON'T WANT TO FIRE ANYBODY. THEY WERE JUST HOPING YOU COULD
LET SALLY ADD A LITTLE SOMETHING. >> OKAY, SALLY, WHAT LITTLE
SOMETHING DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ADD? >> 45 DECADES OF LITTLE DANCING
AND RED PANTS DANCING. I GOT HALF A CENTURY OF SHIZZLE IN MY LADY SNIZZLE.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] BEING A WOMAN.
THE GRAND CANYON'S GOT NOTHING ON ME. >> YOU KNOW, I'VE ENGINEERED BY
ENTIRE LIFE SO I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE WHAT I JUST SAW. AND RUSSELL, ARE YOU SURE SHE'S
50? >> HONEY, I'VE BEEN 50 SINCE BEFORE YOU WAS BORN.
>> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GIVE IT A TRY? THE BOYS FEEL THAT SALLY
REPRESENTS WHO THEY ARE NOW. >> DO THEY? THEN TELL US WHO YOU ARE, SALLY.
>> LISTEN, I'M A CHOO CHOO CHARLIE AND A CLASS ACT. >> HEY, RUSSELL, I LOVE YOU.
I JUST THINK THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE. >> IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK, HUH?
>> WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T NEIL, CALVIN, AND JOHN. >> NICK, JOE, AND KEVIN.
WE CAME BY BECAUSE WE HAD A FEELING THEY MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR NEW CONCEPT.
>> SO WE WANTED TO SHOW THEM. >> LOOKING GOOD. YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, BOYS.
NOW PUT SOME BONUS? YOUR JONAS. NOW, HIT IT, RUSSELL.
HIP, HIP, ARMS, ARMS, NOW KICK, STRETCH, AND KICK, STRETCH, KICK, STRETCH.
>> WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. OH, MY GOD.
I AM SO SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU, SALLY. I SEE IT NOW.
THEY ARE GOING TO PUT THE BOYS ON STAGE IN PACKED STADIUMS AROUND THE WORLD, AND THEY'RE
GONNA. >> KICK. >> STRETCH.
>> AND JUMP. >> JUMP? NEIL, YOU'RE FIRED.
>> WHAT? >> WAIT A SECOND, SALLY, YOU CAN TAKE HIS PLACE.
>> YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. DO YOU KNOW ANY OF OUR SONGS? >> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I'M 50 YEARS OLD. 50.
OVERWHELMED. SURE, TRUMP GOT INDICTED, BUT NOW EVERYONE SAYS THE CASE
AGAINST HIM IS WEAK AND THAT HE'LL NEVER SERVE ANY JAIL TIME. AS SOMEONE WHOSE ENTIRE
PERSONALITY IS HATING DONALD TRUMP, YOU NEED MORE. YOU NEED TO FEEL CALM AND
REASSURED. YOU NEED THE NEWEST MEDITATION APP.
CNZ. NEW DETAILS FROM TRUMP'S ARREST, FEATURING YOUR FAVORITE CNN
ANCHORS. >> HE'S THE FIRST AMERICAN PRESIDENT TO EVER BE INDICTED.
THIS IS TRULY A HISTORIC AND HUMILIATING MOMENT. >> TRUMP IS A BRAD, DEFEATED
MAN. THEY MADE HIM COME FROM FLORIDA WHERE IT'S 80 DEGREES TO NEW
YORK WHERE IT'S ONLY 60 DEGREES. HOW DEPRESSING. >> HIS MOTOR CADE WASN'T THAT
BIG. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BIGGER, BUT IT WAS SO SMALL.
>> DONALD WAS ALL ALONE, NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS TO SUPPORT HIM.
I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS AS A JOURNALIST, BUT THAT A LOSER. >> THAT NEW YORK TIMES REPORTER
MAGGIE HABERMAN SOOTH YOU TO SLEEP. >> THAT IS A NIGHTMARE, AND HE'S
REALLY FREAKING OUT BECAUSE NOW HE KNOWS THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. >> YOU CAN ALSO LISTEN TO CLIPS
OF TRUMP AND HIS ALLIES SPIRALING. >> PLEASE, DONALD J. TRUMP IS AN
INNOCENT MAN AND HE NEEDS YOUR HELP. SEND HIM ALL YOUR MONEY TODAY AT
DON'T J. TRUMP RU/FUND RAISING SCAM.GUILTY. >> HIS COURT APPEARANCE WON'T BE
UNTIL AT LEAST DECEMBER. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE A WHOLE LIST OF TRUMP INDICTMENT ASR.
>> CAN YOU HEAR HIM GETTING FINGERPRINTED, AND THE DA OPENING HIS BIG LEATHER
BRIEFCASE, AND A LITTLE GAVEL FROM THE JUDGE. I WONDER IF HE'LL EVEN HEAR HAND
CUFFS. >> WITH ADDITIONAL IN-APP PURCHASES LIKE AUDIO E RAT KA OF
ALVIN BRAGG READING ALL 40 FELONY ACCOUNTS. >> COUNT ONE, FALSIFYING
BUSINESS RECORDS IN THE FIRST DEGREE. COUNT TWO, FALSIFYING BUSINESS
RECORDS IN THE FIRST DEGREE. COUNT THREE, FALSIFYING -- >> YOU WAITED SEVEN YEARS FOR
THIS INDICTMENT, AND YOU WANT EVERY DELICIOUS DETAIL. >>, WHAT ETHNICITY IS TRUMP'S
JUDGE AGAIN? >> HISPANIC.
JONAS BROTHERS. MARTIN SHORT. I LOVE YOU, LORNE MICHAELS.
YOU ARE THE BEST. AND THIS BRILLIANT CAST, OH, MY GOD.
SO GOOD! AND OUR WONDERFUL CREW. THIS IS JUST A GIFT TO BE BACK.
THANK YOU! >> YEAH!