1 00:00:28,828 --> 00:00:44,844 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MY FRIENDS, AND JUDAS. 2 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:49,916 HEAR ME NOW FOR SOON I WILL LEAVE YOU AND JOIN MY FATHER IN HEAVEN. 3 00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:54,721 >> WE CANNOT LOSE YOU, JESUS. WE WILL PROTECT YOU. >> THEY WILL NEVER FIND YOU, 4 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:59,292 JESUS. >> ALAS, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME. 5 00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:03,730 >> NO. >> WHAT? >> IT IS FORETOLD, AND THOUGH I 6 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:11,438 HAVE COMMITTED NO CRIME, I WILL BE ARRESTED, TRIED, AND FOUND GUILTY. 7 00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:20,814 >> SOUND FAMILIAR? THANK YOU SO MUCH. A FAMOUS, WONDERFUL MAN ARRESTED 8 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:28,455 FOR NO REASON AT ALL. IF YOU HAVEN'T PUT IT TOGETHER, FOLKS, I'M COMPARING MYSELF TO 9 00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:34,494 JESUS AGAIN. AND WHAT BETTER TIME THAN ON HIS BIRTHDAY, EASTER? 10 00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:40,633 AS WE SPEAK, I AM BEING PERSECUTED ON A LEVEL THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER 11 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:46,806 SEEN, EVEN WORSE THAN THE LATE, GREAT JESUS. YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING 12 00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:52,946 WE'RE VERY SIMILAR. WE'RE BOTH VERY TALL, VERY POPULAR, AND BOTH FRANKLY WHITE 13 00:01:52,946 --> 00:02:00,487 AMERICANS. YOU KNOW, JESUS DID SOME INCREDIBLE THINGS. 14 00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:07,460 SOME WOULD CALL THEM MIRACLES. IN TERMS OF FISH AND WITH REGARD TO BREAD. 15 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,530 FISH AND BREAD. HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY. 16 00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:15,135 I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FASTER, POSSIBLY TWO DAYS. I THINK WE COULD HAVE DONE IT A 17 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,638 LOT FASTER. HE HAD A GOOD MIND FOR BUSINESS. WATER INTO WINE. 18 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:25,979 PURE PROFIT. AND HE HAD BIG, BIG RALLIES JUST LIKE ME, AND A LOT OF HIS 19 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:31,685 FOLLOWERS GOT IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE, JUST LIKE MINE. ALL BECAUSE I TOLD THEM EXACTLY 20 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:40,960 WHAT JESUS WOULD HAVE SAID, GET VERY VIOLENT AND START A WAR. AND I'VE EVEN GOT MY VERY OWN 21 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:48,101 JUDAS, RAN DeSANTIS. RON DeSANTIS CAME TO ME, TEARS IN HIS EYES, HE SAID, HELP ME, 22 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:53,206 MR. TRUMP. I'M GOING TO LOSE MY ELECTION. SO I VERY GENEROUSLY PRETENDED 23 00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:58,545 TO LIKE HIM, AND THEN, HE DID A JUDAS. AND NOW HE CAN'T EVEN GET THE 24 00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:06,319 GAYS OUT OF DISNEY WORLD. LOOK AT THESE GUYS BACK HERE, HUH? 25 00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:11,458 THEY JUST HAVE TO SIT HERE FROZEN WHILE I TALK. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? 26 00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:17,464 MR. JESUS, QUITE A GUY. BUT NOW PEOPLE ARE SAYING PERHAPS I'M EVEN BETTER THAN 27 00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:24,337 JESUS BECAUSE I'M A SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE, AND CHRIST WAS -- LET'S CALL IT WHAT IT IS -- A 28 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:27,774 NEPO BABY. OKAY? I MEAN, HIS DAD WAS GOD. 29 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:33,947 IT'S PRETTY EASY TO START A RELIGION WHEN YOUR DAD IS GOD. HE DID GOOD FRIDAY. 30 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:40,286 I SAID, WHY NOT MAKE IT GREAT? WE CAN MAKE IT GREAT. WITH ME, WE'LL BE DOING GREAT 31 00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:46,860 FRIDAY, PERHAPS EVEN TGI-FRIDAYS WITH THE STUFF ON THE WALLS AND EVERYTHING. 32 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:51,297 BUT WE LOVE EASTER, WE LOVE HIDING THE EGG. DON'T WE, FOLKS? 33 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:56,369 WE LOVE HIDING THE LITTLE EGGS. YOU KNOW I HAVE MANY BEAUTIFUL EGGS FROM MY TIME AT THE WHITE 34 00:03:56,369 --> 00:04:01,675 HOUSE, AND NOW THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE ARE SAYING, WHERE ARE THE EGGS? 35 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:07,047 WE NEED THE EGGS BACK. BUT I HID THEM. THEY'RE MY EGGS TO TAKE, OKAY? 36 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:13,687 SO TOMORROW, I WILL EAT MY EASTER HAMBURGER WITH MY FAMILY, OR HOPEFULLY NOT. 37 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:20,393 AND THEN AFTER THAT, THEY WILL COME FOR ME, LOCK ME AWAY. BECAUSE JUST LIKE JESUS, ALL I 38 00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:26,199 DID WAS BE FRIENDLY TO A SEX WORKER, AND NOW THEY WANT TO PUT ME IN JAIL. 39 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:31,671 JUST AWFUL. BUT WHO KNOWS, FOLKS, MAYBE PRISON WILL MAKE ME EVEN MORE 40 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:37,811 POPULAR. LIKE THAT GUY BACK THERE, JESUS OF ASKABAN, THAT GUY. 41 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:44,084 JESUS OF ASKABAN, HE'S CALLED. AND THAT IS THE STORY OF EASTER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS. 42 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:51,524 LOOK AT THE FINGERS. DIDN'T STOP DOING THE FINGERS THE WHOLE TIME. 43 00:04:51,524 --> 00:05:04,337 WEIRD CHOICE WITH THE FINGERS. LOOK AT JESUS. SO HAPPY HANUKKAH TO ALL THE 44 00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:10,110 PASSOVERS, AND ALL THE RAMADANS DO. WE LOVE TO SAY RAMADAN. 45 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:17,050 BUT MOSTLY HAPPY EASTER BECAUSE WE LIKE JESUS, RIGHT? STILL FROZEN WITH THE LITTLE 46 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:20,220 HANDS. THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO GET TO SAY THE BIG LINE. 47 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:25,692 MAYBE IF YOU BREAK A BIG POLITICAL CHARACTER, YOU CAN SAY THE BIG LINE. 48 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:29,829 I'M GOING TO DO IT BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW. SO HAPPY EASTER AND LIVE FROM 49 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:33,500 RIGHT NOW. SO HAPPY EASTER AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 50 00:05:46,146 --> 00:06:46,773 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 51 00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,141 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- FEATURING -- 52 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,189 MUSICAL GUEST, JONAS BROTHERS. AND YOUR HOST, MOLLY SHANNON. 53 00:07:36,189 --> 00:08:08,054 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MOLLY SHANNON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 54 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:14,561 >>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 55 00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:24,904 OH, MY GOD. IT'S SO GREAT TO BE BACK. I'VE HAD SUCH A FUN YEAR. 56 00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:29,876 MY DAUGHTER STELLA STARTED COLLEGE. MY SON NOLAN'S ABOUT TO GRADUATE 57 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:36,750 HIGH SCHOOL. AND I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT MY LIFE CALLED "HELLO MOLLY." 58 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:42,355 AND YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE SURPRISED BY HOW HONEST I WAS 59 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:47,460 ABOUT SOME OF THE HARD TIMES MY FAMILY HAD. I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS, 60 00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:51,865 RIGHT? BUT MY DAD ALWAYS TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY CHIN UP AND NEVER GIVE 61 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:59,439 UP ON MY SHOW BIZ DREAMS. HE WOULD PLAY ME OLD CLASSIC MUSICALS AND HE WOULD TELL ME, 62 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:05,011 YOU KNOW, MOLLY, NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS YOU FACE, IF YOU KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, EVERYTHING 63 00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:10,083 WILL TURN OUT OKAY. I CAN ALMOST HEAR HIM NOW SAYING -- 64 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:17,557 * YOU'LL BE SWELL, YOU'LL BE GREAT, GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD ON A PLATE * 65 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:27,267 * STARTING HERE, STARTING NOW, HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES * 66 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:35,275 * CURTAIN UP, LIGHT THE LIGHTS, YOU GOT NOTHING TO HIT BUT THE HEIGHT * 67 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:41,815 >> MOLLY, SORRY TO CRASH YOUR MONOLOGUE, BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. 68 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:46,486 I'VE GOT PROBLEMS TOO. >> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? >> WELL, I'M NOT REALLY IN THE 69 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:55,395 SHOW TONIGHT, SO I'M INTERRUPTING YOUR SONG TO GET SOME MORE CAMERA TIME. 70 00:09:55,395 --> 00:10:01,701 CAN I STAY? >> NO. * BLOW A KISS, TAKE A BOW, 71 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:08,274 HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES * KENAN, WHAT ABOUT YOU? 72 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:14,247 WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? >> I CAN'T STOP BUYING FAKE ROLEXES. 73 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,984 >> WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? >> I STILL DRESS LIKE A LITTLE 74 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:21,354 BOY. >> I PRETEND TO HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY FOR ATTENTION. 75 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:25,892 >> I'M ATTRACTED TO MY THERAPIST. >> I JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR 76 00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:34,000 COVID. >> WAIT, WHAT? * HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP 77 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:39,639 ROSES * >> HOW ABOUT YOU, THE AUDIENCE? WHO HERE IS EMBARRASSED BY HOW 78 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:45,445 OFTEN THEY CHECK INSTAGRAM? WHO'S IN AN UNHEALTHY CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP? 79 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:50,583 OH, WE GOT A FEW. WHO LOST THEIR JOB DURING THE PANDEMIC AND SECRETLY HOPES THAT 80 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:54,454 OTHER PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING TOO? WHAT ABOUT YOU, LAUREN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? 81 00:10:54,454 --> 00:11:04,731 >> I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS. >> WHAT ABOUT YOU, MARTIN SHORT? >> I RAN OUT OF OZEMPIC! 82 00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:08,935 >> EVERYONE, COME UP HERE. COME ON. PUT AWAY YOUR PROBLEMS AND STOP 83 00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:11,805 WORRYING. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE -- 84 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:18,511 * YOU'LL BE SWELL, YOU'LL BE GREAT, I CAN TELL, JUST YOU WAIT * 85 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:30,290 * AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US TILL WE'RE THROUGH * * HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP 86 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:40,633 ROSES AND DAFFODILS * * EVERYTHING'S COMING UP SUNSHINE AND SANTA CLAUS, 87 00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:53,446 EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES FOR ME AND FOR YOU * >> THANK YOU, DADDY. 88 00:11:53,446 --> 00:12:02,288 SUPERSTAR! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 89 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,490 STICK AROUND. 90 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:08,595 ** 91 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:25,679 NOW, BEING A VALET IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD. FORGOT ABOUT BRAIN SURGERY. 92 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:29,082 IT'S THE SECOND HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD. >> GOT IT. 93 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,151 >> YES. >> TOTALLY. >> OKAY. 94 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:37,390 NOW, I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE CAN BE A GREAT VALET, SO LONG AS YOU FOLLOW THESE THREE SIMPLE RULES. 95 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:45,865 LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, LIL JOG. THIS IS THE CORNER STONE OF QUALITY VALET. 96 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:50,003 ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE. >> HERE YOU GO. >> OH, THANKS, LADIES. 97 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:53,840 HEY, YOU KNOW, YOUR SISTER'S QUITE THE LOOKER. >> OH, YOU'RE BAD. 98 00:12:53,840 --> 00:13:05,885 >> Y'ALL ENJOY YOURSELF NOW. >> THAT WAS NEAT. >> THAT WAS THE LITTLEST JOG 99 00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:09,122 I'VE EVER SEEN I THINK. >> THANK YOU. STEVEN, YOUR TURN. 100 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:13,259 REMEMBER, LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, LIL JOG. >> YES, SIR. 101 00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:17,364 HOWDY FOLKS. >> IT'S A PORSCHE. >> OH, A PORSCHE. 102 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:23,470 COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING? MY CONDOLENCES, MISS. SHE'S ALL, IS IT IN YET, AND 103 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:34,080 YOU'RE ALL, I'M GIVING IT ALL SHE'S GOT, CAPTAIN. Y'ALL ENJOY YOURSELF NOW. 104 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,751 >> NOPE. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T EVEN SAY IT. 105 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:44,090 I GAVE HIM BACK HIS KEYS. I'M SO SORRY. >> THAT AND YOUR JOKE WAS ABOUT 106 00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:50,096 A CUSTOMER'S PENIS, AND YOU RAN AWAY AT TOP SPEED. >> THAT WAS NOT CLOSE TO MY TOP 107 00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:55,935 SPEED, BUTTOCK. >> JUST REMEMBER, KEEP IT LIL. YOU SEE, SEE HOW LIL THIS IS, 108 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:58,805 TOOK ME TEN YEARS TO GET THIS LIL. >> THAT IS LIL. 109 00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:03,076 >> OKAY, JENNY, YOU WANT TO GO GET THEIR KEYS. >> SURE, OKAY. 110 00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:07,681 >> AGAIN, LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, LIL JOG. >> GOT IT. 111 00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:11,951 HI, THERE, FOLKS. DID I GET THE TICKET? HERE YOU GO. 112 00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:16,356 UM. >> OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> NICE CAR YOU GOT THERE. 113 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:21,261 I MAY HAVE TO FEEL THAT BABY. I'M JUST KIDDING. I ACTUALLY COULD. 114 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:24,464 JUST KIDDING. I'M ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. NO. 115 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:27,934 I'M NOT. I'M REALLY MARRIED, WE BROKE UP, THOUGH. 116 00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:34,407 I MET HIM ONLINE, AND TURNED OUT HE WAS A SICK MIDDLE SCHOOLER USING A HOSPITAL COMPUTER. 117 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,477 >> OKAY, NO. BRING IT ON BACK. OVER HERE. 118 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,847 YEAH. GOOD TRY. BUT I ALMOST WISH YOU STOPPED 119 00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:45,185 AFTER THE FIRST THING YOU SAID. >> OH. WELL, HOW WAS THAT? 120 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:51,257 >> NOT VERY GOOD. >> I'LL DO IT NEXT TIME. >> STANLEY, YOU WANT TO GIVE IT 121 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,526 A TRY? >> OKEYDOKEY. >> THANK YOU. 122 00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:58,465 >> YOU EVER COME HERE BEFORE? >> WHAT? I'M SORRY. 123 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:04,504 I CAN'T REALLY HEAR WHAT YOU -- >> PASS! >> YIKES. 124 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:08,475 YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT HAPPENED THERE, STANLEY? >> YES. 125 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:13,046 I TALKED TOO QUIET, AND THEN I SAID PASS REAL LOUD. >> THAT'S RIGHT, STANLEY. 126 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:16,383 GOOD. WE GOT ANOTHER CUSTOMER. >> CAN YOU LET ME TRY THE NEXT 127 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,118 ONE? >> OKAY. FINE. 128 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:22,422 BUT TAKE IT SLOW, JENNY. >> OKAY. >> CAREFUL. 129 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,525 SHE'S GOT A TEMPER. >> OKAY. ACTUALLY, ME TOO. 130 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:29,129 I'M KIDDING. NO. ACTUALLY, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU. 131 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:33,800 HOW ABOUT YOU RIP OFF THIS TURQUOISE AND PUT A BABY INSIDE OF ME. 132 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:37,904 >> BAIL. BAIL. >> GUYS, THIS IS SO HARD THE. 133 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:41,841 >> I THINK I GOT IT NOW, SIR. >> OKAY. ARE YOU SURE, STANLEY? 134 00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:46,479 >> YEAH. IT'S A LIL JOKE, LIL BOW, AND A LIL JOG. 135 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:50,950 PRETTY SIMPLE. >> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR. GO GIVE IT A SHOT. 136 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:56,156 >> ALL RIGHT. LET DO THIS. AHH! 137 00:15:56,156 --> 00:16:03,830 I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR CAR, YOU BLACK BITCH! BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, I KNOW 138 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:07,701 THAT WASN'T RIGHT. >> JUST FORGET IT. I MEAN, IF WE CAN'T GET THIS 139 00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:10,603 RIGHT, WE MIGHT AS WELL SHUT DOWN. I GUESS RICH PEOPLE CAN PARK 140 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:14,808 THEIR OWN CARS. >> HEY. HEY, DON'T SAY THAT. 141 00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:19,112 I PROMISE I'LL MAKE YOU PROUD. >> AND I'LL PRACTICE MY JOG EVERY DAY. 142 00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:23,350 >> YOU WILL? AW, THANKS, GUYS. >> YEAH. 143 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:29,055 ALSO, I ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED ALL THE KEYS. >> ALL RIGHT, THEN. 144 00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:32,826 ALL THE KEYS. >> ALL RIGHT, THEN. LET'S GO TO THE HOSPITAL. 145 00:16:50,744 --> 00:17:01,888 >> THREE, TWO, ONE. AND WE'RE LIVE. >> HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF THIS 146 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:07,293 TIKTOK THING? THE ONLY TIKTOK I HEAR IS MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK. 147 00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:16,336 DON'T GET ME STARTED. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. >> JEANNIE DARCY, SELECTIVE 148 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:21,875 STARTAGE. >> NO ONE BRINGS IT LIKE JEANNIE DARCY, AND THIS TIME THE 149 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:28,415 DARCINATOR IS LIVE, WHICH MEANS YOU'RE HEARING HER JOKES AT THE SAME TIME SHE'S TELLING THEM, 150 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:33,453 INSTEAD OF STREAMING IT LATER, WHICH IS THE REASON MOST PEOPLE GET NETFLIX. 151 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:39,325 >> I HAD A BRA FITTING THE OTHER DAY. I TRIED ONE ON AND HAD A FIT. 152 00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:44,898 MEN MUST DESIGN THESE THINGS. HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN A JOCK STRAP WITH UNDERWIRE? 153 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:49,869 AM I RIGHT, LADY FRIENDS? YOU GET MY 411? DO NOT EVEN THINK OF GETTING ME 154 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:57,944 STARTED. >> JEANNIE DARCY IS A LEGEND. THAT GIRL INSPIRED A WHOLE 155 00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:03,650 GENERATION OF LESBIAN COMEDIANS. >> SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN. >> SAY WHAT NOW? 156 00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:08,254 >> JEANNIE DARCY TAKES NO PRISONERS. >> MY FRIEND GOT A DOG AND 157 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:15,028 ALWAYS COMPLAINS HE MESSES UP HER HOUSE AND JUMPS IN HER BED. I SAID, ARE YOU SURE IT'S A DOG, 158 00:18:15,028 --> 00:18:19,933 OR IS IT MY EX-HUSBAND? WHO'S WITH ME? DON'T GET ME STARTED. 159 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:26,940 DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. >> OH, MY GOD. JEANNIE IS AWESOME. 160 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:34,948 SHE EVEN GAVE ME HER SET LIST. >> I PICKED UP ONE OF THOSE NEW TESLA ELECTRIC CARS. 161 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:41,821 I COULDN'T GET IT STARTED. DON'T GET ME STARTED. >> JEANNIE DARCY, SELECTIVE 162 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:45,792 STARTAGE, STREAMING LIVE TONIGHT. >> DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. 163 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:56,336 >>> OH, MY GOD. A WAFFLE MAKER. THAT IS SO NICE, JACKIE. 164 00:18:56,336 --> 00:19:01,474 >> WELL, I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD DO SUNDAY MORNING WAFFLES WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRL. 165 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:06,046 >> THAT'S SO SWEET I COULD CRY. >> WE'RE JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU, SUSIE. 166 00:19:06,046 --> 00:19:08,648 >> YEAH. AND WE'RE REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU. 167 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:15,922 >> WELL, I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW MONTHS, UNLESS JIM FIRES ME. >> OH, COME ON NOW. 168 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:20,126 I WOULDN'T DO THAT. THAT WOULD BE SUPER ILLEGAL. >> AND HEY, EVEN THOUGH I'M 169 00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:25,098 STARTING MATERNITY LEAVE, I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL BE SEEING PLENTY OF ME. 170 00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:31,705 >> I HOPE SO. AFTER ALL, I'M THE GOD FATHER. YOU GAVE ME AN OFFER I COULDN'T 171 00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,873 REFUSE. I'M STILL WORKING ON THE IMPRESS. 172 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:38,812 >> I JUST CAN'T GET OVER HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK. >> CAN YOU T YOU, KENNEDY. 173 00:19:38,812 --> 00:19:44,117 HONESTLY, I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER FELT BETTER. MY NAILS ARE STRONG, MY SKIN 174 00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:46,920 LOOKS GREAT. I'M JUST GLOWING. THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER 175 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:51,925 WANTED. >> THAT IS SO INSPIRING. >> WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS 176 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:57,897 WITH THIS SAYING I FOUND ON BRAINY QUOTE.COM THAT REALLY CAPTURES KIND OF THE WAY I'M 177 00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:02,369 FEELING RIGHT NOW. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. A MOTHER ALWAYS HAS TO THINK 178 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:07,640 TWICE, ONCE FOR HERSELF, AND ONCE FOR HER CHILD. >> AWW. 179 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:13,246 >> THAT JUST ABSOLUTELY NAILS MATERNAL FEELINGS SURGING THROUGH MY BODY. 180 00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:29,095 ANYWAY, LET ME JUST GRAB THIS WAFFLE MAKER. [ FLATULENT NOISE ] 181 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:35,602 GODDAMNIT, NOT AGAIN! HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME? 182 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:42,108 >> UM, I'M SORRY. WAS THAT -- >> A FART, YES, JIM, I RIPPED A 183 00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:44,878 BIG OLD FART. ARE YOU HAPPY? >> NO. 184 00:20:44,878 --> 00:20:55,088 I DEFINITELY WOULDN'T SAY HAPPY. >> SO IT WAS -- >> NOT A BABY, JUST GAS, YEAH, 185 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:58,458 KENNEDY, OBVIOUSLY. GUESS YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WAFFLE MAKER BACK. 186 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:03,096 I CAN'T MAKE SUNDAY MORNING WAFFLES FOR A FART. >> JUST KEEP IT. 187 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:08,802 I'M TOO EMBARRASSED TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M RETURNING IT. >> DAMN IT. 188 00:21:08,802 --> 00:21:15,141 I'VE BEEN PLAYING MOZART TO A GAS BUBBLE FOR EIGHT FREAKING MONTHS. 189 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:21,915 I'M SO STUPID. >> SMELLS LIKE MAYBE IT WAS TWINS. 190 00:21:21,915 --> 00:21:29,589 >> DIDN'T YOU GO TO A DOCTOR? >> WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR, JACKIE, A FART DOCTOR? 191 00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:35,462 WELL, WHATEVER, AT LEAST I STILL GET SIX MONTHS MATERNITY LEAVE. >> YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT. 192 00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:39,199 YOU FORFEITED YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE WHEN YOU STUNK UP THE OFFICE. 193 00:21:39,199 --> 00:21:45,672 >> SO, SUSIE, THIS HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE? FOUR TIMES? 194 00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:49,409 >> HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, SUSIE? >> OH, MY GOD. 195 00:21:49,409 --> 00:21:52,879 >> WHAT? >> I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE I ARE EM 196 00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:59,619 THIS MORNING ON THE BUS, AN OLD MAN GAVE ME HIS SEAT, AND THEN THE BUS HIT A BUMP, AND HE FELL 197 00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:04,758 DOWN IN THE AISLE, AND HE DIED. >> THAT WAS THIS MORNING? >> WHATEVER. 198 00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:09,262 WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS I CAN START DRINKING AGAIN. >> YOU DO KNOW YOU AT WORK, 199 00:22:09,262 --> 00:22:15,902 RIGHT? >> HEY, SUSIE. I GOT YOUR LUNCH ORDER FROM THE 200 00:22:15,902 --> 00:22:18,071 CAFETERIA. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVAN. >> NO PROBLEM. 201 00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:21,508 >> WHAT DID YOU GET? >> OH, I GET THE SAME THING EVERY DAY. 202 00:22:21,508 --> 00:22:26,680 I GET CAT FISH SLIDERS. >> WOW. >> MM. 203 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:35,355 THIS IS REALLY HITTING THE SPOT IN A VERY UNBELIEVABLE WAY. MM. 204 00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:40,326 >> SUSIE, LOOK AT YOUR STOMACH. >> OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. 205 00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:44,364 IT'S A MIRACLE. >> NO. >> IT'S A MIRACLE. 206 00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:51,237 >> NO. >> GUYS, I HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING NEWS. 207 00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:56,776 I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I'M PREGNANT AGAIN. WELL, THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE A 208 00:22:56,776 --> 00:23:01,915 PREGNANCY TEST. CALL IT A MOTHER'S INTUITION. I REALLY THINK IT WILL BE A NICE 209 00:23:01,915 --> 00:23:07,687 GESTURE FOR ALL OF YOU TO ORGANIZE A BABY SHOWER FOR ME. >> YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT, SUSIE. 210 00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:12,959 IT'S JUST GAS FROM YOUR HUNGRY ASS CAT FISH SLIDERS AT 11:00 A.M. 211 00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:20,533 >> LOOK, KENNEDY, I KNOW YOU'RE A SINGLE GAL WHORING AROUND THE CITY, SO YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY 212 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:32,879 UNDERSTAND HOW -- [ FLATULENT NOISE ] OH, MY GOD. 213 00:23:32,879 --> 00:23:37,317 NO. HOW MUCH SUFFERING CAN ONE MOTHER BEAR? 214 00:23:37,317 --> 00:23:41,254 WHATEVER. WELL, AT LEAST I CAN SMOKE AGAIN. 215 00:23:41,254 --> 00:23:43,757 AGAIN. >> WAIT, SUSIE -- DON'T LIGHT THAT CIGAR! 216 00:23:56,636 --> 00:24:00,740 ARE YOU GUYS FREE TO TALK? >> MOLLY! >> HEY, MOLLY. 217 00:24:00,740 --> 00:24:10,917 >> COME ON IN. WE'RE PLAGUE SOME VIDEO GAMES. >> YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH -- 218 00:24:10,917 --> 00:24:13,887 >> WAIT, WHAT GAME IS THIS. >> MOLLY 2 K 23. >> IT'S REALLY FUN. 219 00:24:13,887 --> 00:24:20,694 YOU PLAY AS MOLLY SHANNON BOUNCING YOUR CAREER AS AN ACTOR WITH RAISING A FAMILY. 220 00:24:20,694 --> 00:24:26,599 >> AND THAT'S HOW I EMBARRASSED MYSELF IN FRONT OF OBAMA. >> OH, YOU JUST CRACKED JIMMY 221 00:24:26,599 --> 00:24:33,206 UP. >> THERE'S A GAME ABOUT MY LIFE? >> OH, DUDE. 222 00:24:33,206 --> 00:24:39,279 WE UNLOCKED AN NYU COMMENTMENT SPEECH. PRESS A TO GET KIDS -- OR PRESS 223 00:24:39,279 --> 00:24:44,551 B. >> THIS GENERATION IS A BUNCH OF SNOWFLAKES. 224 00:24:44,551 --> 00:24:49,422 >> CAREER SETBACK. >> DAMN IT. THAT MADE US DROP ALL OUR 225 00:24:49,422 --> 00:24:52,826 TURNUPS. >> WHAT ARE TURNUPS? >> THEY ARE DOLLARS. 226 00:24:52,826 --> 00:24:57,931 YOU CAN USE THEM TO BUY OUTFITS. >> SHOULDN'T I BE GETTING PAID OR SOMETHING. 227 00:24:57,931 --> 00:25:01,434 >> I WOULD ASSUME SO. THEY HAVE BEEN MAKING THEM FOR YEARS. 228 00:25:01,434 --> 00:25:05,705 >> WE'VE BEEN PLAYING THEM SINCE WE WERE KIDS. >> OH, MY GOD. 229 00:25:05,705 --> 00:25:09,542 IS THAT MY DAUGHTER? >> YEP. JUST GIVING STELLA THE BIRDS AND 230 00:25:09,542 --> 00:25:13,279 THE BEES TALK. >> AND REMEMBER, ALWAYS USE TWO CONDOMS. 231 00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:18,418 >> THANKS, MOM. >> HERE'S A TURNIP. >> I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. 232 00:25:18,418 --> 00:25:23,056 WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW. >> COMBAT MODE. OUR MOLLYS ARE FIGHTING TO THE 233 00:25:23,056 --> 00:25:28,194 DEATH. WE CAN ALSO DO THE SKATE LEVEL. WE JUST LEARNED HOW TO MAKE 234 00:25:28,194 --> 00:25:32,065 TWISTS. >> 2 K 24 IS SUPPOSED TO BE FLAWLESS. 235 00:25:32,065 --> 00:25:37,704 >> EMOTIONAL LEVELS ARE LOW. WE GOT TO GO TO THE THERAPIST. >> IN COLLEGE I ACTUALLY DATED A 236 00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:40,907 WOMAN. >> HOW DOES IT KNOW THAT? >> THIS GAME RULES. 237 00:25:40,907 --> 00:25:46,813 YOU CAN BE ANY MOLLY SHANNON YOU WANT. YOU CAN BE A SUPERHERO OR A 238 00:25:46,813 --> 00:25:51,384 RAPPER. >> I DON'T WANT TO BE A RAPPER. I WANT TO BE MYSELF. 239 00:25:51,384 --> 00:25:58,992 >> I'M TIRED OF GETTING YELLED AT FOR A HOPBY I HAVE. SEE YOU LATER, MOLLY. 240 00:25:58,992 --> 00:26:03,897 >> OH, MY -- MOLLY, ARE YOU PLAYING THE GAME STILL. >> I BECAME A RAPPER. 241 00:26:03,897 --> 00:26:07,834 >> WHAT? >> MY NAME IS MOLLY THE RAPPER, AND I'M REALLY GOOD NOW. 242 00:26:07,834 --> 00:26:17,277 I'M ON LEVEL 99. * SAY MY MOTHER-LOVING NAME, YOU KNOW IT'S MOLLY SHANNON * 243 00:26:17,277 --> 00:26:25,051 * DOING HIGH KICKS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE LOVE IS. GOT MY FINGERS IN MY ARMS, CAN'T 244 00:26:25,051 --> 00:26:30,857 PULL THEM OUT * * LIKE A CALIBER, SEASON 25 CALIBER, PUNKS GETTING MARY 245 00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:36,062 CATHERINE GALLAGHER, BITCH. >> OH, MY -- MOLLY SHANNON THE RAPPER. 246 00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:41,468 THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. >> THAT WAS SO GOOD. >> THAT'S NOT GATORADE. 247 00:26:41,468 --> 00:26:46,072 >> THAT'S NOT GATORADE. >> OH, MY GOD! >> BITCH. 248 00:26:52,912 --> 00:26:58,852 FANCY PLAY WRITE. I'M SO PROUD. >> THANKS, BRIAN. 249 00:26:58,852 --> 00:27:08,495 >> I'M SO SORRY TO BUG YOU. I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WRITING. I SEE ALL YOUR PLAYS. 250 00:27:08,495 --> 00:27:10,630 YOU'RE SO BRILLIANT. >> THAT'S SO SWEET. THIS IS THE FIRST PLAY THAT'S 251 00:27:10,630 --> 00:27:14,801 ACTUALLY ABOUT MY LIFE. I'M NERVOUS, BRIAN. >> DON'T BE. 252 00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:21,174 EVERYBODY'S GOING TO LOVE IT. >> SOPHIE, WHAT'S HAPPENING? IT'S YOUR WEDDING DAY. 253 00:27:21,174 --> 00:27:26,046 AND EVERYONE'S EXPECTING YOU TO SAY I DO. BUT DO YOU? 254 00:27:26,046 --> 00:27:33,319 OR FOR ONCE, WOULD YOU RATHER DO YOU? GIRL, YOU DON'T LOVE HIS SORRY 255 00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:38,491 ASS. >> GOD, THIS ACTRESS, SHE'S AMAZING. 256 00:27:38,491 --> 00:27:43,096 >> WHOA, YOU ALMOST GOT MARRIED? OKAY. I'M SURPRISED THAT NEVER CAME 257 00:27:43,096 --> 00:27:46,066 UP. >> YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE YOUR TRUTH, SOPHIE. 258 00:27:46,066 --> 00:27:53,506 YOU'RE GOING TO LEF THIS CHUMP, AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A YEAR OF A THOUSAND MEN. 259 00:27:53,506 --> 00:27:59,512 AND SO I DID. I DATED A THOUSAND MEN IN ONE YEAR. 260 00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:09,022 AND THAT'S WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED. * CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE * 261 00:28:09,022 --> 00:28:13,893 >> DID SHE SAY A THOUSAND? THAT'S MORE THAN TWO A DAY. >> IT EXPLAINS. 262 00:28:13,893 --> 00:28:21,735 >> WHO DID I DATE, YOU ASK? EVERYONE FROM FINANCE BROS WITH PERFECT ABS TO BROOKLYN ARTISTS 263 00:28:21,735 --> 00:28:27,307 WITH UNCUT DONGS. AND THE LESS I WANTED THEM, THE MORE THEY WANTED ME. 264 00:28:27,307 --> 00:28:32,712 I WAS PULLED IN ALL DIRECTIONS. >> SOPHIE. >> SOPHIE. 265 00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:36,649 >> SOPHIE. >> SOPHIE. >> I WANT TO GET DRUNK ON YOUR 266 00:28:36,649 --> 00:28:39,352 FUMES. >> AND I DON'T WANT TO USE A CONDOM. 267 00:28:39,352 --> 00:28:43,123 >> FINE BY ME. >> I THINK I'M GOING TO HEAD OUT. 268 00:28:43,123 --> 00:28:48,161 >> BABE, DON'T. IT'S LOOSELY BASED ON MY LIFE. IT'S NOT ALL TRUE. 269 00:28:48,161 --> 00:28:55,435 >> ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, THERE HAVE BEEN NO EMBELLISHMENTS. 270 00:28:55,435 --> 00:29:00,840 ABOUT 998 BANGS LATER, I WAS STILL FEELING TOTALLY UNFULFILLED. 271 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:05,645 BUT ALL OF THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE, BECAUSE I MET THE ONE. >> OKAY. 272 00:29:05,645 --> 00:29:20,927 THAT'S SWEET, I GUESS. >> MY EX, TREVOR, THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. 273 00:29:20,927 --> 00:29:26,900 >> HEY, BABE. I HOPE YOU DIDN'T MIND BEING ON TV WHILE WE SAT COURTSIDE AT THE 274 00:29:26,900 --> 00:29:28,268 LAKERS GAME. >> NO. THAT'S OKAY. 275 00:29:28,268 --> 00:29:33,840 I KNOW ALL THOSE GUYS ANYWAY. >> WHAT? THE LAKERS? 276 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:39,546 >> BUT THEN I FOUND OUT AN UGLY TRUTH ABOUT HIM. >> DOCTORS TOLD ME I HAVE A 277 00:29:39,546 --> 00:29:44,651 CONDITION. WHERE ANY TIME YOU CLIMAX IN THE FUTURE, IT WILL STILL BE BECAUSE 278 00:29:44,651 --> 00:29:52,726 OF ME. >> AND THEN, HE BROKE UP WITH ME. 279 00:29:52,726 --> 00:29:58,531 HE MOVED TO ANAHEIM TO PURSUE HIS DREAM OF RUNNING SOCIAL MEDIA FOR GRUB HUB. 280 00:29:58,531 --> 00:30:14,948 SO THE NEXT DAY, I WENT TO A BOWLING ALLY TO GET SLOPPY DRUNK WHEN -- SOME GUY APPROACHED ME. 281 00:30:14,948 --> 00:30:19,285 >> HELLO. I'M BRIAN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT? 282 00:30:19,285 --> 00:30:30,897 >> UM, WHATEVER, I GUESS. >> OH, MY GOD. >> WELL, MY GIRLFRIEND, SOPHIE, 283 00:30:30,897 --> 00:30:35,402 A FANCY PLAY WRITE. I'M SO PROUD. HIGH FIVE. 284 00:30:35,402 --> 00:30:38,772 NOBODY? OKAY. >> AND AFTER FOUR WEEKS OF 285 00:30:38,772 --> 00:30:42,175 DATING, I COULDN'T HOLD HIM OFF ANYMORE. I HAD TO BUCK UP AND FINALLY 286 00:30:42,175 --> 00:30:48,982 HAVE SEX WITH HIM. >> WHOO! AS THEY SAY, THERE'S A FIRST 287 00:30:48,982 --> 00:30:54,988 TIME FOR EVERYTHING. >> IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFULLY BLAND EXPERIENCES OF 288 00:30:54,988 --> 00:31:05,065 MY LIFE. >> OKAY. >> AND THERE IT WAS, I HAD 289 00:31:05,065 --> 00:31:11,071 REACHED MY 1,000th MAN. IT WAS TIME TO OFFICIALLY SETTLE IN, UNTIL, I MET SOMEONE WHO 290 00:31:11,071 --> 00:31:17,744 WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE. >> SORRY TO BUG YOU. I'M JUST A HUGE FAN OF OUR 291 00:31:17,744 --> 00:31:21,214 WRITING. I SEE ALL YOUR PLAYS. YOU'RE BRILLIANT. 292 00:31:21,214 --> 00:31:26,853 >> I MET MR. 1,001. >> WAIT. IS THAT THE GUY FROM FIVE 293 00:31:26,853 --> 00:31:32,759 IS THAT THE GUY FROM FIVE MINUTES AGO? OH, COME ON! 294 00:31:45,672 --> 00:31:51,911 BROTHERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * HEY NOW 295 00:31:51,911 --> 00:31:55,648 WE NEVER KNEW HOW TO FORFEIT * * HEY NOW 296 00:31:55,648 --> 00:31:59,386 WE ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO TALK* HEY NOW * 297 00:31:59,386 --> 00:32:05,258 * COUPLE NIGHTS THREW GASOLINE ON THE FIRE 298 00:32:05,258 --> 00:32:11,698 HEY NOW * * WE NEVER HOW TO PERFECT HEY NOW 299 00:32:11,698 --> 00:32:15,402 WE ALWAYS KNEW IT WOULD WORK 'CAUSE * * IF SOMETHING MISREAD 300 00:32:15,402 --> 00:32:26,746 OR IF SOMETHING GOT SAID KNOW BEFORE THE NIGHT ENDS * * NO DON'T GET STRESSED IT'S 301 00:32:26,746 --> 00:32:31,484 GONNA GET FIGURED OUT OH DEEP CONVERSATIONS AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE * 302 00:32:31,484 --> 00:32:40,694 * HEADSTRONG FATHER AND A DETERMINED MOTHER * * OH, THAT'S WHY SOME NIGHTS WE 303 00:32:40,694 --> 00:32:49,769 WOULD TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER * * BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE, HEY NOW * 304 00:32:49,769 --> 00:32:51,104 * WE NEVER KNEW HOW TO FAKE IT HEY NOW * 305 00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:52,572 * WE ALWAYS KNEW HOW TO BREAK HEY NOW * 306 00:32:52,572 --> 00:32:54,240 * COUPLE NIGHTS THREW GASOLINE ON THE FIRE 'CAUSE * 307 00:32:54,240 --> 00:33:00,280 * IF SOMETHING MISREAD OR IF SOMETHING GOT SAID KNOW BEFORE THE NIGHT ENDS * 308 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:05,051 * NO DON'T GET STRESSED IT'S GONNA GET FIGURED OUT OH DEEP CONVERSATIONS 309 00:33:05,051 --> 00:33:09,656 AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE * * HEADSTRONG FATHER AND A DETERMINED MOTHER * 310 00:33:09,656 --> 00:33:14,060 * OH, THAT'S WHY SOME NIGHTS WE WOULD TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER * 311 00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:19,232 * BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE * * NA NA NA 312 00:33:19,232 --> 00:33:25,338 NA NA NA NA YOU KNOW IT'S ALL LOVE * * NA NA NA 313 00:33:25,338 --> 00:33:31,678 NA NA NA NA * * BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS GON' GET FIGURED OUT 314 00:33:31,678 --> 00:33:35,915 DEEP CONVERSATIONS AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE * * HEADSTRONG FATHER 315 00:33:35,915 --> 00:33:43,156 AND A DETERMINED MOTHER * * OH THAT'S WHY SOME NIGHTS WE TRIED TO KILL EACH OTHER 316 00:33:43,156 --> 00:33:49,863 BUT YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE * * NA NA NA * 317 00:33:49,863 --> 00:33:55,735 OH YEAH NA NA NA NA YOU KNOW IT'S ALL LOVE * * NA NA NA 318 00:33:55,735 --> 00:34:03,443 HEY NA NA NA NA YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS LOVE * * NA NA NA 319 00:34:03,443 --> 00:34:14,788 * NA NA NA NA NA NA NA * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 320 00:34:26,332 --> 00:34:35,642 UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 321 00:34:35,642 --> 00:34:37,510 >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. 322 00:34:37,510 --> 00:34:44,651 >> I'M COLIN JOST. THE WALL STREET JOURNAL IS CALLING ON RUSSIA TO RELEASE ONE 323 00:34:44,651 --> 00:34:47,854 OF THEIR JOURNALISTS WHO WAS ARRESTED ON ESPIONAGE CHARGES, AND I MIGHT HAVE THE PERFECT 324 00:34:47,854 --> 00:34:54,761 IDEA FOR A PRISONER SWAP. FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS ARRAIGNED ON TUESDAY, AND A 325 00:34:54,761 --> 00:34:59,566 PHOTOGRAPHER RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF TRUMP IN THE COURTROOM, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT HE'S SLANKED BY 326 00:34:59,566 --> 00:35:04,471 AN O.J. AMOUNT OF LAWYERS BECAUSE THAT TELLS ME HE'S DEFINITELY GUILTY AND HE'S 327 00:35:04,471 --> 00:35:12,312 DEFINITELY GETTING AWAY WITH IT. TRUMP'S LAWYER, JOE TACOPINA, AKA, PHONY SOPRANO, SAID THAT HE 328 00:35:12,312 --> 00:35:16,583 DOESN'T THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO GET A FAIR TRIAL IN MANHATTAN. I AGREE. 329 00:35:16,583 --> 00:35:27,227 EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST SEEMS TO HATE HIM. WHEN HE SHOWED UP, I THOUGHT HE 330 00:35:27,227 --> 00:35:31,264 LOOKED PERFECTLY NICE. HE HAD BLENDED HIS FOUNDATION. HE HAD STAPLED DOWN HIS HAIR. 331 00:35:31,264 --> 00:35:37,604 BUT THE GUY STILL DREW HIM LIKE THE MUD MONSTER FROM SCOOBY-DOO, >> AFTER HIS ARRAIGNMENT, DONALD 332 00:35:37,604 --> 00:35:44,944 TRUMP SPOKE TO SUPPORTERS AT MAR-A-LAGO AND SAID THERE WAS A VERY DARK CLOUD OVER OUR BELOVED 333 00:35:44,944 --> 00:35:50,850 COUNTRY, WHICH IS ALSO WHAT HE USED TO CALL OBAMA. INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT SINCE 334 00:35:50,850 --> 00:35:55,855 DONALD TRUMP'S INDICTMENT, HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA HAS BEEN ABSENT, AND HIS OTHER DAUGHTER TIFFANY 335 00:35:55,855 --> 00:36:04,230 IS TRYING TO TAKE HER PLACE BY HIS SIDE, JUST AS SOON AS SHE GETS THROUGH SECURITY. 336 00:36:04,230 --> 00:36:11,371 REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN SEEN HERE SHOUTING, JUMP, YOU COWARD! 337 00:36:11,371 --> 00:36:17,243 VISITED NEW YORK TO PROTEST THE ARREST OF DONALD TRUMP AND CALLED THE CITY FILTHY, 338 00:36:17,243 --> 00:36:24,651 DISGUSTING, AND REPULSIVE. AS A NEW YORKER, LET ME JUST SAY, YOU FORGOT RAT INFESTED. 339 00:36:24,651 --> 00:36:30,256 DON'T FORGET OUR RATS. >> NEVER. A NEW REPORT DECLARES FOR 340 00:36:30,256 --> 00:36:37,263 DECADES, CHARNS THOMAS AND HIS WIFE WENT ON LUXURY TRIPS BY REPUBLICAN MEGADONOR, AND 341 00:36:37,263 --> 00:36:44,070 WHITEST GUY WITH THE BLACKEST NAME, HARLAN CROW. BECAUSE JUSTICE THOMAS HANDLED 342 00:36:44,070 --> 00:36:49,642 GIFTS FROM REPUBLICANS THE SAME WAY HE HANDLES SUPREME COURT CASES, WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 343 00:36:49,642 --> 00:36:57,317 IT WAS ALSO REPORTED TODAY THAT HARLAN CROW HAS A VAST COLLECTION OF NAZI MEMORABILIA, 344 00:36:57,317 --> 00:37:02,822 INCLUDING COPIES SIGNED BY HITLER. THE SIGNATURE READS, DEAR 345 00:37:02,822 --> 00:37:10,330 HARLAN, BIG FAN. >> TENNESSEE REPUBLICANS EXPELLED TWO BLACK LAWMAKERS FOR 346 00:37:10,330 --> 00:37:16,636 PROTESTING GUN VIOLENCE, BUT DID NOT EXPEL A WHITE PROTESTOR. THEY SAID, THEY KNOW WHAT IT 347 00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:22,342 LOOKED LIKE, BUT THEY WERE ACTUALLY EXPELLED BECAUSE THEIR SKIN WAS BLACK. 348 00:37:22,342 --> 00:37:27,947 >> FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, WHO ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOLD HIM TO GO HOME AND 349 00:37:27,947 --> 00:37:36,189 GET HIS SHINE BOX SIGNED A BILL THAT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO CARRY GUNS WITHOUT A PERMIT. 350 00:37:36,189 --> 00:37:43,396 BECAUSE FLORIDA IS DANGEROUS, AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO RUN UP TO YOU AND 351 00:37:43,396 --> 00:37:54,474 SAY GAY. >> JILL BIDEN WILL ATTEND THE CORONATION ALONG WITH HER PLUS 352 00:37:54,474 --> 00:37:58,511 ONE, THE IOWA WOMEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM. >> KING CHARLES SAID RESEARCHERS 353 00:37:58,511 --> 00:38:05,285 WILL BE GIVE ACCESS TO ROYAL AR KOOIS AFS IT WAS DISCOVERED HIS ANCESTORS HAD STAKE IN A 354 00:38:05,285 --> 00:38:10,590 SLAVE-TRADING COMPANY. YEAH, IT WAS CALLED ENGLAND. >> THIS WEEK, RON DeSANTIS 355 00:38:10,590 --> 00:38:23,169 RAMPED UP HIS WAR ON DISNEY. HERE TO COMMENT IS THE VILLAIN FROM THE MOVIE ALADDIN, JAFAR. 356 00:38:23,169 --> 00:38:29,342 >> HELLO, MICHAEL. SO THIS IS THE FAMOUS ROCKEFELLER PALACE. 357 00:38:29,342 --> 00:38:32,946 >> OKAY. SO, JAFAR, AS A DISNEY CHARACTER, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF 358 00:38:32,946 --> 00:38:37,250 RON DeSANTIS? >> YOU MEAN, THE BOY? WELL, MICHAEL, AS FAR AS 359 00:38:37,250 --> 00:38:44,157 VILLAINS GO, THE BOY IS AN AMATEUR. HE HAS NO RIZ, NO SPARK, NO 360 00:38:44,157 --> 00:38:49,095 DRIP. THE LOOK IS GIVING BABY MAYOR. HE DID WEAR THOSE WHITE COWBOY 361 00:38:49,095 --> 00:38:54,167 BOOTS, BUT LET'S BE HONEST, THEY WORE HIM. >> WELL, HE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE 362 00:38:54,167 --> 00:38:58,772 PART, BUT ARE YOU SAYING DeSANTIS ISN'T BAD ENOUGH? >> NOT AT ALL. 363 00:38:58,772 --> 00:39:04,577 DON'T GET ME WRONG. THE BOY IS PLENTY EVIL. BANNING ROSA PARKS IN SCHOOLS. 364 00:39:04,577 --> 00:39:12,719 I'M A DARK SOURCER, AND HEN I WAS LIKE, IT'S ROSA PARKS. >> NOW HE'S COMING AFTER DISNEY 365 00:39:12,719 --> 00:39:19,159 BECAUSE OF HIS STANCE OF THE DON'T SAY GAY BILL. >> YOU CAN'T PREVENT DISNEY 366 00:39:19,159 --> 00:39:23,229 WORLD FROM BEING GAY. THAT CARPET HAS FLOWN. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 367 00:39:23,229 --> 00:39:30,770 >> NO, I REALLY DON'T. >> I MEAN IF YOU OPEN UP GRINDER ON MAIN STREET USA, YOUR PHONE 368 00:39:30,770 --> 00:39:34,441 EXPLODES. EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE PARK, IT'S NOTHING BUT 40-YEAR-OLD MEN 369 00:39:34,441 --> 00:39:38,144 WITH BRACES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT IT AIN'T STRAIGHT. 370 00:39:38,144 --> 00:39:43,550 >> OH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE -- >> A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE 371 00:39:43,550 --> 00:39:50,690 LOAFERS? DID MY STASH NOT TIP YOU OFF? OF COURSE I'M GAY, YOU FOOL. 372 00:39:50,690 --> 00:39:57,230 MY EYE LINER ON POINT. MY FORM AS A YOLKED GENIE WITH NAILS. 373 00:39:57,230 --> 00:40:04,270 YEAH, MICHAEL, I LOVE COOCH. >> I GOT IT. WELL, SEEMS LIKE DeSANTIS 374 00:40:04,270 --> 00:40:09,275 DOESN'T EVEN WANT ANYTHING REMOTELY GAY HAPPENING AT DISNEY WORLD AT ALL. 375 00:40:09,275 --> 00:40:15,081 >> THERE'S ALREADY A DISNEY WORLD WHERE NOTHING GAY HAPPENS. IT'S CALLED SIX FLAGS. 376 00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:23,556 THERE ARE LOTS OF DIFFERENCES AT DISNEY, MICHAEL. URSULA IS A LESBIAN, SCAR IS BI, 377 00:40:23,556 --> 00:40:28,561 AND MULAN JUST GOT TOP SURGE ARE I. NOW IF I MAY, I WOULD LIKE TO 378 00:40:28,561 --> 00:40:37,337 ADDRESS THE BOY, DeSANTIS. WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE SWAMP RAT. BRAVO ATTEMPTING TO SEE THE 379 00:40:37,337 --> 00:40:40,573 PRECIOUS LAND ONLY IT WOULD BE THWARTED AGAIN BY THE HOUSE OF MOUSE. 380 00:40:40,573 --> 00:40:46,312 YOU CAN TRY TO STOP US, BOY, BUT WE WILL OUTSMART YOU AT EVERY TURN. 381 00:40:46,312 --> 00:40:51,284 DON'T SAY GAY? WELL, IF THERE IS NO GAY, THERE IS NO DISNEY, AND EVERYONE LOVES 382 00:40:51,284 --> 00:40:56,723 DISNEY, INCLUDING YOU BECAUSE YOUR DUMB ASS GOT MARRIED THERE, AND THAT'S THE GAYEST THING YOU 383 00:40:56,723 --> 00:41:12,906 CAN DO! SO I'M SORRY, THE GAYS SHALL STAY, AND YOU CACHE AWAY. 384 00:41:12,906 --> 00:41:17,777 WHERE WERE WE, MICHAEL? OH, YES, YOUR EARRING, IT INTRIGUES ME. 385 00:41:17,777 --> 00:41:20,980 >> NO, NO, NO. JAFAR, EVERYBODY. >> I SAW YOU AT THE GRAND 386 00:41:20,980 --> 00:41:23,883 >> I SAW YOU AT THE GRAND FLORIDIAN. IT WAS A GORGEOUS 387 00:41:33,293 --> 00:41:38,531 A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT THE AVERAGE CHILD THROWS A TANTRUM FOUR TIMES A WEEK, WEEKNIGHTS ON 388 00:41:38,531 --> 00:41:46,306 FOX. >> RUPERT MURDOCH'S ENGAGEMENT TO ANN LESLIE SMITH HAS BEEN 389 00:41:46,306 --> 00:41:51,644 CALLED OFF. APPARENTLY, SHE GOT COLD FEET AFTER MURDOCH PASSED HIS 390 00:41:51,644 --> 00:41:56,816 PHYSICAL. IN A NEW DOCUMENTARY, POPE FRANCIS PRAISES THE SIR CHEWS OF 391 00:41:56,816 --> 00:42:01,755 SEX, CALLING IT ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN TO THE HUMAN PERSON. 392 00:42:01,755 --> 00:42:12,432 NOT THE WAY I DO IT. AM I RIGHT, COLIN? >> NO. 393 00:42:12,432 --> 00:42:15,969 >> OKAY. >> I HOPE NOT. I DON'T KNOW. 394 00:42:15,969 --> 00:42:21,975 A WOMAN HAS BEEN TRAVELING THE WORLD SO SHE'S GONE ON 34 FIRST DATES IN NEARLY 20 COUNTRIES. 395 00:42:21,975 --> 00:42:25,745 DATES IN NEARLY 20 COUNTRIES. HERE SECRET? SHE'S BEING SEX TRAFFICKED. 396 00:42:29,649 --> 00:42:39,292 WEEK WHEN LSU WOMEN'S BASKETBALL STAR ANGEL REESE REFUSED AN INVITATION TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO 397 00:42:39,292 --> 00:42:43,563 CELEBRATE HER TEAM'S NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. BUT NOW SHE HAS DECIDED TO GO. 398 00:42:43,563 --> 00:42:47,667 SO HERE TO COMMENT IS ANGEL REESE. >> YEAH, THE BAYOU BARBIE IS IN 399 00:42:47,667 --> 00:42:52,439 THE BUILDING. LOUISIANA, STAND UP. >> WELL, ANGEL, YOU HAD QUITE A 400 00:42:52,439 --> 00:42:56,576 WEEK. >> YEAH. I GOT PEOPLE BIG MAD. 401 00:42:56,576 --> 00:43:00,347 FIRST THEY WAS MAD BECAUSE I WAS TAUNTING, BUT ALL I DID WAS THIS. 402 00:43:00,347 --> 00:43:04,751 YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I PULLED MY NIPPLE OUT AND FLICKED IT ON NATIONAL TV. 403 00:43:04,751 --> 00:43:07,687 THEN THEY WERE MAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE. 404 00:43:07,687 --> 00:43:12,759 BUT, CHE, THEY INVITED IOWA TOO. >> BUT THEY LOST. >> EXACTLY. 405 00:43:12,759 --> 00:43:16,496 IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, WHEN YOU LOSE, YOU TAKE YOUR ASS HOME. 406 00:43:16,496 --> 00:43:24,471 BUT THEN, WHITE GIRLS LOSE, AND SUDDENLY, IT'S ALL TEAMS MATTER. >> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU CHANGED 407 00:43:24,471 --> 00:43:27,073 YOUR MIND. THAT WILL BE PRETTY COOL. >> YEAH. 408 00:43:27,073 --> 00:43:32,846 IT WILL BE COOL, FOR THEM. I'M A BIG DEAL NOW, CHE. SINCE COLLEGE PLAYERS GET 409 00:43:32,846 --> 00:43:37,717 ENDORSEMENTS NOW, I'M ABOUT TO CASH IN. AND MY BRAND WORKS FOR ANYTHING. 410 00:43:37,717 --> 00:43:46,092 HOW THIS SOUND, CHE? DEGREE DEODERANT, Y'ALL STANK. >> IT SEEMS AGGRESSIVE. 411 00:43:46,092 --> 00:43:51,698 >> OKAY. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? GARDEN GNOMES, MAN, GET YOUR LIL 412 00:43:51,698 --> 00:43:55,602 ASS OUT MY FACE! >> THAT'S A COMMERCIAL FOR GARDEN GNOMES? 413 00:43:55,602 --> 00:44:01,875 >> YEAH. IT'S THE MONEY, RIGHT? NOW, HERE'S MY FAVORITE. 414 00:44:01,875 --> 00:44:14,054 BIG-ASS EYELASHES, EMPOWERING WOMEN BALLERS AND -- SINCE 1972. >> I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THE 415 00:44:14,054 --> 00:44:19,092 MOMENT. >> YEAH, I AM. LAST WEEK, WOMEN'S SPORTS WAS 416 00:44:19,092 --> 00:44:24,764 BORING, NOW ALL Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT WOMEN SPORTS THIS WEEK. MAN, I DROPPED 15 ON IOWA. 417 00:44:24,764 --> 00:44:31,438 I WENT HARD IN THE PAINT. I DROPPED TEN BOARDS WITHOUT EVEN MESSING UP ANY EYELASHES. 418 00:44:31,438 --> 00:44:36,509 THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS NOT GETTING MORE BUCKETS. I COULD HAVE PICKED THAT BALL 419 00:44:36,509 --> 00:44:42,982 UP, DROPPED IT ON THE GIRL'S HEAD LIKE I WAS ON AN AND-ONE TOUR, BUT I WAS IN FOUL TROUBLE, 420 00:44:42,982 --> 00:44:49,656 SO I HAD TO CHILL. AND NOW I'M SITTING BACK GETTING ALL THIS BABY GAP MONEY. 421 00:44:49,656 --> 00:44:54,728 >> WHY ARE YOU ENDORSED BY BABY GAP? >> BECAUSE ALL THESE BITCHES IS 422 00:44:54,728 --> 00:44:57,230 MY SON. >> ANGEL, REESE, EVERYBODY. >> YOU CAN'T SEE ME. 423 00:44:57,230 --> 00:44:59,799 >> YOU CAN'T SEE ME. WE GOING BACK TO BACK. ANGEL REESE. 424 00:45:06,673 --> 00:45:11,945 DESIGNED TO HELP WOMEN TRAVEL ALONE SAFELY BY PROVIDING PEOPLE TO GREET THEM WHEN THEY ARRIVE 425 00:45:11,945 --> 00:45:19,052 AT AIRPORTS OR HOTELS, AND IT'S BEING USED FOR MURDER. >> A VIRGINIA MAN WHO PRANKS 426 00:45:19,052 --> 00:45:25,258 PEOPLE FOR YOUTUBE VIDEOS WAS SHOT WHILE TRICKING SOMEONE IN A MALL. 427 00:45:25,258 --> 00:45:31,264 GOOD. A 106-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN THE PHILIPPINES HAS BECOME THE 428 00:45:31,264 --> 00:45:37,470 OLDEST VOGUE COVER MODEL EVER, BEATING THE PREVIOUS RECORD OF 29. 429 00:45:37,470 --> 00:45:44,911 >> A JEOPARDY CONTESTANT THIS WEEK WAS FORCED TO QUIT SOCIAL MEDIA AFTER PEOPLE SAID HIS 430 00:45:44,911 --> 00:45:53,386 MUSTACHE LOOKED LIKE HITLERS. THE CONTESTANT SAID HE'S SO MAD THAT HE'S HAD IT UP TO HERE. 431 00:45:53,386 --> 00:46:01,661 >> NASA HAS NAMED THE FOUR ASTRONAUTS IT WILL SEND ON THE ARTEMIS II MISSION TO THE MOON. 432 00:46:01,661 --> 00:46:07,767 IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, I THINK I KNOW WHO'S DYING FIRST. HE CAN DO THE HITLER SALUTE, 433 00:46:07,767 --> 00:46:12,038 I KNOW WHO'S DYING FIRST. HE CAN DO THE HITLER SALUTE, THOUGH. 434 00:46:18,678 --> 00:46:26,586 OFFICE IN PERSON. HERE TO COMMENT IS YOUR COWORKER SEEMINGLY BUSY DOING NOTHING. 435 00:46:26,586 --> 00:46:29,689 >> WE GOT TO MAKE THIS QUICK BECAUSE I REALLY GOT TO GET BACK. 436 00:46:29,689 --> 00:46:33,426 I GOT TO GET BACK. >> OH, OKAY. WELL, YOU JUST GOT HERE, 437 00:46:33,426 --> 00:46:37,163 CRYSTAL. AND THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> ICE BREAKER, ICE BREAKER. 438 00:46:37,163 --> 00:46:40,867 COLIN, HOW ARE YOU? DON'T ANSWER THAT. LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME TO 439 00:46:40,867 --> 00:46:45,271 HEAR YOUR ANSWER. I AM SO SLAMMED. >> SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK. 440 00:46:45,271 --> 00:46:49,776 >> UM, THIS. >> WOW. OKAY. 441 00:46:49,776 --> 00:46:54,080 WELL, I GUESS I WOULD LOVE TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT YOU DO IN A DAY. 442 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:56,649 >> UM, YEAH. WHAT DON'T I DO? OKAY. 443 00:46:56,649 --> 00:47:01,388 ASK MY TEAM. WHERE ARE THEY? ON MY BACK. 444 00:47:01,388 --> 00:47:06,326 AND MY PHONE'S BLOWING UP. I'M IN HELL. >> I'M SORRY YOU'RE SO SLAMMED, 445 00:47:06,326 --> 00:47:10,030 CRYSTAL. >> I NEED A VACATION, BUT KNOWING ME, I WOULD BRING MY 446 00:47:10,030 --> 00:47:16,903 WORK PHONE, AKA, MY HUSBAND. >> OKAY. WELL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU 447 00:47:16,903 --> 00:47:19,806 KISSED YOUR PHONE. I'M SO CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT YOUR JOB IS. 448 00:47:19,806 --> 00:47:27,414 >> COLIN, TO EXPLAIN IT, THE LEVEL I WOULD HAVE TO START OUT, I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE BAND 449 00:47:27,414 --> 00:47:35,055 WIDTH -- OH, MY -- OH, MY -- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD, OKAY. 450 00:47:35,055 --> 00:47:36,923 OH, MY GOD. >> ALL RIGHT. >> LOOK. 451 00:47:36,923 --> 00:47:40,193 >> YEAH. THIS IS A SIGNUP SHEET FOR BIRTHDAY CAKE. 452 00:47:40,193 --> 00:47:44,364 >> YEAH. YEP. AND THEN BRINGING OREO 453 00:47:44,364 --> 00:47:47,801 CHEESECAKE. THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK. THERE GOES MY EASTER SUNDAY. 454 00:47:47,801 --> 00:47:55,208 >> WHY WOULD THERE GO YOUR EASTER SUNDAY? >> AND DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, I'M 455 00:47:55,208 --> 00:47:57,644 SCREWED. >> CRYSTAL, CAN YOU JUST TELL ME ONE THING YOU DO? 456 00:47:57,644 --> 00:48:03,650 >> YEAH. OKAY. LOOK. 457 00:48:03,650 --> 00:48:07,020 ALL RIGHT. SO LOOK AT MY SPREAD SHEET, OKAY? 458 00:48:07,020 --> 00:48:14,361 THESE ARE ALL EMAILS I RECEIVED. NOW YOU UNDERSTAND? >> NO, I DON'T. 459 00:48:14,361 --> 00:48:18,198 NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHERE DO YOU WORK? >> IN THE WEEDS. 460 00:48:18,198 --> 00:48:24,371 >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I MEAN SPECIFICALLY. 461 00:48:24,371 --> 00:48:28,108 SPECIFICALLY. SPECIFICALLY, WHERE? >> NECK DEEP. 462 00:48:28,108 --> 00:48:32,045 >> THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER. WHAT DO YOU DO? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I 463 00:48:32,045 --> 00:48:37,050 DON'T DO, EAT. HAVEN'T EATEN IN A MONTH. >> OH, MY GOD. 464 00:48:37,050 --> 00:48:44,824 CRYSTAL, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. >> MM, KALE SEE CZAR. 465 00:48:44,824 --> 00:48:49,662 MY FAVORITE. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S KIND OF NICE EATING AT THE TABLE AND NOT ON A 466 00:48:49,662 --> 00:48:57,671 TOILET. >> YOU EAT ON THE TOILET? >> AND I SHOT GOT A CALL ON MY 467 00:48:57,671 --> 00:49:04,077 SALAD PHONE. >> WHAT DOES IT SAY? >> I'M SCREWED. 468 00:49:04,077 --> 00:49:11,885 >> STOP THROWING THINGS! >> KEEP TALKING BECAUSE I AM LISTENING. 469 00:49:11,885 --> 00:49:19,793 AND I -- OH, MY GOD. I JUST PULLED MY PINKY. >> CRYSTAL, JUST STOP. 470 00:49:19,793 --> 00:49:27,801 I JUST SAW ON YOUR COMPUTER THAT ALL YOU HAVE OPEN IS A BUNCH OF TABS FOR ANN TAYLOR LOFT. 471 00:49:27,801 --> 00:49:32,806 >> FOR WORK CLOTHES BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS HERE. >> RIGHT. 472 00:49:32,806 --> 00:49:39,446 AND WHERE? LIKE HONESTLY, WHAT DO YOU DO? >> I'M CHE'S ASSISTANT. 473 00:49:39,446 --> 00:49:56,463 >> OKAY. >> HEY, MAN, CRYSTAL'S THE BEST. >> YOUR VERY BUSY COWORKER, 474 00:50:02,969 --> 00:50:06,373 >>> OKAY. LOOKS LIKE OUR ACTORS HAVE ARRIVED ON SET. 475 00:50:06,373 --> 00:50:11,111 WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DO THIS THING? >> I KNOW I'M READY. 476 00:50:11,111 --> 00:50:13,780 >> YES. >> YES. >> KEITH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY 477 00:50:13,780 --> 00:50:17,751 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME DO THIS DRUG COMMERCIAL. I'M SOMEONE WHO NEVER THOUGHT 478 00:50:17,751 --> 00:50:22,989 MUCH ABOUT MEDICATIONS UNTIL I GOT OLDER, BUT THIS SCRIPT IS REALLY SENSITIVE TO WOMEN'S 479 00:50:22,989 --> 00:50:28,395 ISSUES AND HONESTLY I THINK WILL HELP PEOPLE. >> WELL, THANK YOU. 480 00:50:28,395 --> 00:50:32,999 I HOPE SO TOO. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GIVE IT A TRY, HUH? 481 00:50:32,999 --> 00:50:36,870 >> I THINK THAT SOUNDS TERRIFIC. >> ALL RIGHT. PLACES, EVERYBODY. 482 00:50:36,870 --> 00:50:43,677 AND ACTION * THERE'S A NEW DRUG FOR GALS OVER 40, IT'S HORMONE-FREE AND 483 00:50:43,677 --> 00:50:48,181 MADE JUST FOR ME * * EASY TO USE AND IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE * 484 00:50:48,181 --> 00:50:54,487 * THAT'S UNEXPECTED, SO WHAT IS IT CALLED * * IT'S CALLED VA JERTED, HOW 485 00:50:54,487 --> 00:51:07,534 GREAT A NAME IS THAT, IT'S CALLED VAGERTED * * AND WHERE IS IT INSERTED * 486 00:51:07,534 --> 00:51:12,305 * YOU ALREADY KNOW * >> NOT BAD FOR A FIRST TAKE, Y'ALL. 487 00:51:12,305 --> 00:51:16,976 >> I ACTUALLY HAVE A QUESTION. >> YOU DON'T THINK IT'S DIGNIFIED ENOUGH. 488 00:51:16,976 --> 00:51:20,747 >> NO. I ACTUALLY LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH VAGERTED. 489 00:51:20,747 --> 00:51:26,953 I WAS JUST WONDERING IF WE'RE ALL DOING IT JUSTICE. SOME OF US ARE UP HERE REALLY 490 00:51:26,953 --> 00:51:33,093 SELLING IT AND SOME OF US, OR MAYBE ONE OR TWO OF US ARE NOT GIVING IT THE SAME ENERGY. 491 00:51:33,093 --> 00:51:39,566 I DON'T WANT TO POINT FINGER. IT WOULD BE SO SAD IF PEOPLE DIDN'T BUY VAGERTED BECAUSE THE 492 00:51:39,566 --> 00:51:42,635 DANCING WAS MID. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. BUT I ALSO HAVE A QUESTION. 493 00:51:42,635 --> 00:51:48,575 THIS DRUG IS FOR MEN PAUSE, RIGHT, SO WHY DOESN'T THE SONG COME OUT AND SAY THAT? 494 00:51:48,575 --> 00:51:53,913 >> WELL, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL. LET'S TRY THIS NEXT VERSE AND 495 00:51:53,913 --> 00:51:57,984 GIVE IT MORE ENERGY THIS TIME. >> THAT'S A GREAT NOTE. IT'S A GREAT NOTE FOR EVERYONE. 496 00:51:57,984 --> 00:52:05,425 >> AND ACTION! * IN JUST ONE WEEK, YOU'LL NOTICE A DIFFERENCE, INSERT IT 497 00:52:05,425 --> 00:52:16,636 DOWN THERE JUST AS DEEP AS YOU CAN * * GOOD-BYE LABIDO, VAGERTED, 498 00:52:16,636 --> 00:52:24,177 THAT'S THE NAME THEY CLOSE, THEY CLOSE VAGERTED * COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S DANCE. 499 00:52:24,177 --> 00:52:28,481 >> VAGITA IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY, SO ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF IT'S RIGHT FOR YOU. 500 00:52:28,481 --> 00:52:32,986 IF HE SAYS NO, FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR. JUST KEEP GOING TO DIFFERENT 501 00:52:32,986 --> 00:52:39,426 DOCTORS UNTIL ONE OF THEM SAYS YOU CAN TAKE VAGITA. >> WHAT DID HE CALL IT? 502 00:52:39,426 --> 00:52:46,299 >> DO NOT USE VAGITA IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO VAGITA. IF YOU ARE ALERNL IT TO PEANUTS, 503 00:52:46,299 --> 00:52:53,606 DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR VA JURY TA. SOME PEOPLE LIKE VAGITA, SOME PEOPLE DO NOT. 504 00:52:53,606 --> 00:53:01,548 I THINK IT'S VERY NICE. CLINICAL TRIALS HAVE NOT BEEN COMPLETES IN THE SENSE THAT THEY 505 00:53:01,548 --> 00:53:08,054 HAVE NOT STARTED. >> THAT'S NOT GOOD. >> VAGITA SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN 506 00:53:08,054 --> 00:53:15,595 ORALLY, EVEN THOUGH IT TASTES REAL GOOD. VAGITA IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. 507 00:53:15,595 --> 00:53:23,103 IT GIVES YOU AN ALCOHOL-LIKE BUZZ WITHOUT A HANGOVER. I WISH I HAD VAGITA SO I COULD 508 00:53:23,103 --> 00:53:26,606 TAKE IT. TRY VAGINA TODAY. >> OKAY, CAN WE STOP. 509 00:53:26,606 --> 00:53:31,811 >> YEAH. HE JUST SAID TRY VAGINA TODAY. THIS PRODUCT SOUNDS REALLY 510 00:53:31,811 --> 00:53:34,381 AWFUL. >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S AWFUL. LOOK AROUND. 511 00:53:34,381 --> 00:53:39,185 IT'S LIKE ONE OF US IS BEYONCE AND THE OTHER TWO ARE REALLY BAD AT DANCING. 512 00:53:39,185 --> 00:53:42,422 >> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? YOU WERE SO NICE AT THE AUDITION. 513 00:53:42,422 --> 00:53:44,357 >> YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I DO. >> OKAY. 514 00:53:44,357 --> 00:53:48,728 WE'RE OUT OF HERE. >> GOOD LUCK, KEITH. YOU'LL NEVER REPLACE US. 515 00:53:48,728 --> 00:53:56,836 >> WELL, NOW WHAT DO WE DO? >> HIT THE MUSIC. * THERE'S A NEW DRUG FOR GALS 516 00:53:56,836 --> 00:54:02,042 OVER 40, IT'S CALLED VA-JAY-JAY * >> I THINK IT'S VAGERTED. 517 00:54:02,042 --> 00:54:04,778 VA-JAY-JAY * >> I THINK IT'S VAGERTED. >> WHATEVER. 518 00:54:22,495 --> 00:54:41,581 ** * I GET TO SEE LIGHTNING IN HER HEART 519 00:54:41,581 --> 00:54:51,791 NEVER ENDING LIGHT WHAT A THOUGHT * * DARLING YOU'D MAKE 520 00:54:51,791 --> 00:55:01,868 THE WALLS CRY DARLING YOU'D MAKE THE WALLS CRY * 521 00:55:01,868 --> 00:55:08,742 * 'CAUSE TIME IS A DOORFRAME I WANNA GO THROUGH AS LONG AS IT LEADS ME 522 00:55:08,742 --> 00:55:15,148 BACK TO YOU YEAH * * IF YOU EVER LEFT ME I WOULD DIE 523 00:55:15,148 --> 00:55:24,758 AND EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * ** 524 00:55:24,758 --> 00:55:40,674 ** * WHENEVER YOUR HEADLIGHTS DO YOUR HEART 525 00:55:40,674 --> 00:55:51,351 I LOVE YOU ALL OVER EVERY START OHH * * DARLING YOU'D MAKE 526 00:55:51,351 --> 00:56:00,427 THE WALLS CRY DARLING YOU'D MAKE THE WALLS CRY * 527 00:56:00,427 --> 00:56:07,867 * 'CAUSE TIME IS A DOORFRAME I WANNA GO THROUGH AS LONG AS IT LEADS ME 528 00:56:07,867 --> 00:56:14,741 BACK TO YOU YEAH * * IF YOU EVER LEFT ME I WOULD DIE 529 00:56:14,741 --> 00:56:27,454 AND EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY 530 00:56:27,454 --> 00:56:39,265 LEVANTATE EN AMOR EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * 531 00:56:39,265 --> 00:56:44,070 * LEVANTATE EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY LEVANTATE 532 00:56:44,070 --> 00:57:05,892 EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY 533 00:57:05,892 --> 00:57:19,139 EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * 534 00:57:19,139 --> 00:57:23,043 AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY 535 00:57:23,043 --> 00:57:28,148 EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY AS WE PROCEED TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED * 536 00:57:28,148 --> 00:57:35,555 * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * 537 00:57:35,555 --> 00:57:43,063 * AS WE PROCEED EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * 538 00:57:43,063 --> 00:57:49,302 * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY AS WE PROCEED TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED * 539 00:57:49,302 --> 00:58:12,025 * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * 540 00:58:12,025 --> 00:58:26,373 EVEN THE WALLS WOULD CRY * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 541 00:58:36,483 --> 00:58:45,825 ** >>> OKAY, OKAY. SORRY TO INTERRUPT. 542 00:58:45,825 --> 00:58:49,696 GIRLS, TAKE A GREAT. GRETEL, TURBO. COME ON, WE NEED TO TALK. 543 00:58:49,696 --> 00:58:55,902 >> WHAT'S UP? >> WELL, AS THE JONAS BROTHERS MANAGER, PART OF MY JOB IS TO 544 00:58:55,902 --> 00:59:00,140 DELIVER BAD NEWS. THE BOYS WANT TO HIRE A NEW CHOREOGRAPHER. 545 00:59:00,140 --> 00:59:06,579 >> YOU CAN'T FIRE US. WE INVENTED JOE BRO CORE OWE. >> I GAVE NICK HIS HEAD BOP. 546 00:59:06,579 --> 00:59:12,786 I TOLD HIM TO GO SIDE TO SIDE WITH A FINGER SHIMMY. >> BE THAT AS IT MAY, THE BOYS 547 00:59:12,786 --> 00:59:18,224 FEEL THEY'RE NOT A TEENY BOPPER BAND ANYMORE. AND THEY WANT A MORE MATURE 548 00:59:18,224 --> 00:59:23,029 STAGE ACT. >> THAT MA CHUR? WHO DO THEY THINK CAN DO THAT? 549 00:59:23,029 --> 00:59:32,105 >> HARD TO DESCRIBE. EASIER TO SEE. LET HER IN. 550 00:59:32,105 --> 00:59:49,055 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MY NAME IS SALLY O'MALLEY. I'M 50 YEARS OLD. 551 00:59:49,055 --> 00:59:56,863 NOT ONE OF THOSE GALS WHO'S AFRAID TO TELL HER REAL AGE. AND I LIKE TO KICK, STRETCH, AND 552 00:59:56,863 --> 01:00:05,138 KICK! AND I'M 50 YEARS OLD. 50 YEARS OLD. 553 01:00:05,138 --> 01:00:10,043 >> THAT'S RIGHT. THE BOYS WERE VISITING THEIR GRANDMOTHER, AND SHE TOOK THEM 554 01:00:10,043 --> 01:00:15,749 TO HER SENIOR CENTER'S PRODUCTION OF ANNIE, AND SALLY HERE WAS STARRING, AND SHE 555 01:00:15,749 --> 01:00:19,753 ROCKED THEIR WORLD. THEY DON'T WANT TO FIRE ANYBODY. THEY WERE JUST HOPING YOU COULD 556 01:00:19,753 --> 01:00:23,923 LET SALLY ADD A LITTLE SOMETHING. >> OKAY, SALLY, WHAT LITTLE 557 01:00:23,923 --> 01:00:29,763 SOMETHING DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ADD? >> 45 DECADES OF LITTLE DANCING 558 01:00:29,763 --> 01:00:44,444 AND RED PANTS DANCING. I GOT HALF A CENTURY OF SHIZZLE IN MY LADY SNIZZLE. 559 01:00:44,444 --> 01:00:55,622 NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] BEING A WOMAN. 560 01:00:55,622 --> 01:01:02,128 THE GRAND CANYON'S GOT NOTHING ON ME. >> YOU KNOW, I'VE ENGINEERED BY 561 01:01:02,128 --> 01:01:09,469 ENTIRE LIFE SO I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE WHAT I JUST SAW. AND RUSSELL, ARE YOU SURE SHE'S 562 01:01:09,469 --> 01:01:13,373 50? >> HONEY, I'VE BEEN 50 SINCE BEFORE YOU WAS BORN. 563 01:01:13,373 --> 01:01:17,410 >> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GIVE IT A TRY? THE BOYS FEEL THAT SALLY 564 01:01:17,410 --> 01:01:21,414 REPRESENTS WHO THEY ARE NOW. >> DO THEY? THEN TELL US WHO YOU ARE, SALLY. 565 01:01:21,414 --> 01:01:30,090 >> LISTEN, I'M A CHOO CHOO CHARLIE AND A CLASS ACT. >> HEY, RUSSELL, I LOVE YOU. 566 01:01:30,090 --> 01:01:41,468 I JUST THINK THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE. >> IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK, HUH? 567 01:01:41,468 --> 01:01:49,743 >> WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T NEIL, CALVIN, AND JOHN. >> NICK, JOE, AND KEVIN. 568 01:01:49,743 --> 01:01:54,014 WE CAME BY BECAUSE WE HAD A FEELING THEY MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR NEW CONCEPT. 569 01:01:54,014 --> 01:02:15,335 >> SO WE WANTED TO SHOW THEM. >> LOOKING GOOD. YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, BOYS. 570 01:02:15,335 --> 01:02:23,510 NOW PUT SOME BONUS? YOUR JONAS. NOW, HIT IT, RUSSELL. 571 01:02:23,510 --> 01:02:30,817 HIP, HIP, ARMS, ARMS, NOW KICK, STRETCH, AND KICK, STRETCH, KICK, STRETCH. 572 01:02:30,817 --> 01:02:33,386 >> WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. OH, MY GOD. 573 01:02:33,386 --> 01:02:37,524 I AM SO SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU, SALLY. I SEE IT NOW. 574 01:02:37,524 --> 01:02:44,831 THEY ARE GOING TO PUT THE BOYS ON STAGE IN PACKED STADIUMS AROUND THE WORLD, AND THEY'RE 575 01:02:44,831 --> 01:02:47,100 GONNA. >> KICK. >> STRETCH. 576 01:02:47,100 --> 01:02:50,303 >> AND JUMP. >> JUMP? NEIL, YOU'RE FIRED. 577 01:02:50,303 --> 01:02:53,940 >> WHAT? >> WAIT A SECOND, SALLY, YOU CAN TAKE HIS PLACE. 578 01:02:53,940 --> 01:02:58,111 >> YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. DO YOU KNOW ANY OF OUR SONGS? >> ABSOLUTELY NOT. 579 01:02:58,111 --> 01:03:07,487 >> ABSOLUTELY NOT. I'M 50 YEARS OLD. 50. 580 01:03:14,961 --> 01:03:18,198 OVERWHELMED. SURE, TRUMP GOT INDICTED, BUT NOW EVERYONE SAYS THE CASE 581 01:03:18,198 --> 01:03:24,771 AGAINST HIM IS WEAK AND THAT HE'LL NEVER SERVE ANY JAIL TIME. AS SOMEONE WHOSE ENTIRE 582 01:03:24,771 --> 01:03:29,442 PERSONALITY IS HATING DONALD TRUMP, YOU NEED MORE. YOU NEED TO FEEL CALM AND 583 01:03:29,442 --> 01:03:36,349 REASSURED. YOU NEED THE NEWEST MEDITATION APP. 584 01:03:36,349 --> 01:03:41,521 CNZ. NEW DETAILS FROM TRUMP'S ARREST, FEATURING YOUR FAVORITE CNN 585 01:03:41,521 --> 01:03:44,424 ANCHORS. >> HE'S THE FIRST AMERICAN PRESIDENT TO EVER BE INDICTED. 586 01:03:44,424 --> 01:03:52,165 THIS IS TRULY A HISTORIC AND HUMILIATING MOMENT. >> TRUMP IS A BRAD, DEFEATED 587 01:03:52,165 --> 01:03:56,302 MAN. THEY MADE HIM COME FROM FLORIDA WHERE IT'S 80 DEGREES TO NEW 588 01:03:56,302 --> 01:04:04,210 YORK WHERE IT'S ONLY 60 DEGREES. HOW DEPRESSING. >> HIS MOTOR CADE WASN'T THAT 589 01:04:04,210 --> 01:04:07,514 BIG. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BIGGER, BUT IT WAS SO SMALL. 590 01:04:07,514 --> 01:04:11,051 >> DONALD WAS ALL ALONE, NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS TO SUPPORT HIM. 591 01:04:11,051 --> 01:04:19,426 I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS AS A JOURNALIST, BUT THAT A LOSER. >> THAT NEW YORK TIMES REPORTER 592 01:04:19,426 --> 01:04:24,097 MAGGIE HABERMAN SOOTH YOU TO SLEEP. >> THAT IS A NIGHTMARE, AND HE'S 593 01:04:24,097 --> 01:04:30,437 REALLY FREAKING OUT BECAUSE NOW HE KNOWS THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. >> YOU CAN ALSO LISTEN TO CLIPS 594 01:04:30,437 --> 01:04:35,975 OF TRUMP AND HIS ALLIES SPIRALING. >> PLEASE, DONALD J. TRUMP IS AN 595 01:04:35,975 --> 01:04:41,681 INNOCENT MAN AND HE NEEDS YOUR HELP. SEND HIM ALL YOUR MONEY TODAY AT 596 01:04:41,681 --> 01:04:51,324 DON'T J. TRUMP RU/FUND RAISING SCAM.GUILTY. >> HIS COURT APPEARANCE WON'T BE 597 01:04:51,324 --> 01:04:57,197 UNTIL AT LEAST DECEMBER. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE A WHOLE LIST OF TRUMP INDICTMENT ASR. 598 01:04:57,197 --> 01:05:03,336 >> CAN YOU HEAR HIM GETTING FINGERPRINTED, AND THE DA OPENING HIS BIG LEATHER 599 01:05:03,336 --> 01:05:08,575 BRIEFCASE, AND A LITTLE GAVEL FROM THE JUDGE. I WONDER IF HE'LL EVEN HEAR HAND 600 01:05:08,575 --> 01:05:18,651 CUFFS. >> WITH ADDITIONAL IN-APP PURCHASES LIKE AUDIO E RAT KA OF 601 01:05:18,651 --> 01:05:24,157 ALVIN BRAGG READING ALL 40 FELONY ACCOUNTS. >> COUNT ONE, FALSIFYING 602 01:05:24,157 --> 01:05:28,094 BUSINESS RECORDS IN THE FIRST DEGREE. COUNT TWO, FALSIFYING BUSINESS 603 01:05:28,094 --> 01:05:37,871 RECORDS IN THE FIRST DEGREE. COUNT THREE, FALSIFYING -- >> YOU WAITED SEVEN YEARS FOR 604 01:05:37,871 --> 01:05:43,677 THIS INDICTMENT, AND YOU WANT EVERY DELICIOUS DETAIL. >>, WHAT ETHNICITY IS TRUMP'S 605 01:05:43,677 --> 01:05:48,081 >>, WHAT ETHNICITY IS TRUMP'S JUDGE AGAIN? >> HISPANIC. 606 01:05:58,792 --> 01:06:09,269 JONAS BROTHERS. MARTIN SHORT. I LOVE YOU, LORNE MICHAELS. 607 01:06:09,269 --> 01:06:15,709 YOU ARE THE BEST. AND THIS BRILLIANT CAST, OH, MY GOD. 608 01:06:15,709 --> 01:06:20,347 SO GOOD! AND OUR WONDERFUL CREW. THIS IS JUST A GIFT TO BE BACK. 609 01:06:20,347 --> 01:06:24,451 THIS IS JUST A GIFT TO BE BACK. THANK YOU! >> YEAH!