>>> THIS WEEK, WE SAW THE HORRIBLE IMAGES AND STORIES FROM
ISRAEL AND GAZA, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHO BETTER TO COMMENT ON IT THAN PETE
DAVIDSON. WELL, IN A LOT OF WAYS, I AM A GOOD PERSON TO TALK ABOUT IT
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, MY DAD WAS KILLED IN A TERRORIST ATTACK.
SO I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT THAT'S LIKE. I SAW SO MANY TERRIBLE PICTURES
THIS WEEK OF CHILDREN SUFFERING, ISRAELI CHILDREN AND PALESTINIAN CHILDREN, AND IT TOOK ME BACK TO
A REALLY HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PLACE, AND NO ONE IN THIS WORLD DESERVES TO SUFFER LIKE THAT,
ESPECIALLY NOT KIDS. AFTER MY DAD DIED, MY MOM TRIED PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING SHE COULD
DO TO CHEER ME UP. I REMEMBER ONE DAY WHEN I WAS 8, SHE GOT ME WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS
A DISNEY MOVIE, BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY THE EDDIE MURPHY STANDUP SPECIAL DELIRIOUS.
WE PLAYED IT IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME, AND WHEN SHE HEARD THE THINGS EDDIE MURPHY WAS SAYING,
SHE TRIED TO TAKE IT AWAY. BUT THEN SHE NOTICED SOMETHING, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG
TIME, I WAS LAUGHING AGAIN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I REALLY DON'T, AND I NEVER
WILL, BUT SOMETIMES COMEDY IS REALLY THE ONLY WAY FORWARD THROUGH TRAGEDY.
MY HEART IS WITH EVERYONE WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN DESTROYED THIS WEEK.
BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY, AND THAT'S TRY
TO BE FUNNY. REMEMBER, I SAID TRY. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PETE DAVIDSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK. ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO GET RIGHT INTO IT. I AM TRYING TO BOND WITH MY
SISTER. YOU KNOW, I'M ABOUT TO BE 30. I'M TURNING 30 NEXT MONTH.
IT'S OVER. YOU KNOW, IT'S OVER. TRYING TO BOND WITH MY SISTER.
I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP. ME AND MY SISTER HAVE NOTHING IN
COMMON. SHE ASSISTS BRAIN SURGERY, AND I'M A DRUG ADDICT.
SO NOTHING. SO I WAS TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING WE COULD DO SO WE
COULD BOND, AND I WAS LIKE, WE SHOULD WATCH A TV SHOW. THAT'S EASY.
YOU DON'T GOT TO DO ANYTHING. YOU JUST SIT THERE. EVERY FIVE MINUTES YOU'RE LIKE,
EH, OH. I WAS LIKE, WE'LL DO THIS. ME AND MY SISTER BOTH NEVER SAW
"GAME OF THRONES," RIGHT? I KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW.
IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW IN THE WORLD. I HAD NO IDEA HOW SICK EVERYONE
IS. I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE DRAGONS AND STUFF, AND MAGIC.
HARDLY ANY DRAGONS. LOTS OF INCEST, TONS OF INCEST. SO MUCH INCEST.
YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE, COME BACK, INCEST STILL HAPPENING. IT'S A VERY WEIRD SHOW TO WATCH
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND COMMON GROUND WITH YOUR SISTER. I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING
THIS, GUYS. I WAS WATCHING, AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS SO WEIRD, YOU KNOW.
WONDER HOW SHE FEELS, YOU KNOW. SO I PUT OUT A FEELER. I WAS LIKE, HEY, THIS IS PRETTY
WEIRD, HUH? AND SHE WAS LIKE, I LOVE IT! I WAS LIKE, YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE INCEST, YOU KNOW. IT'S LIKE A NO-GO, RIGHT? SHE WAS -- SHE WAS LIKE, WELL,
IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME. [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS LIKE, AM I ABOUT TO BANG
THIS CHICK? WHAT'S GOING ON. [ LAUGHTER ]
I PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET HER. I'M TOO INSECURE. I'M VERY INSECURE, YOU GUYS.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH USED TO CALL ME A PUSSY, AND I WASN'T
EVEN ON THE TEAM. JUST FIND ME IN CLASS, PUSSY. I'M A -- YOU GUYS, I'M FROM
STATEN ISLAND, SO THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO ME. I GREW UP RIGHT AROUND HERE.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT STATEN ISLAND IS, IT'S THE ONLY ISLAND IN THE WORLD WITH A WORSE
REPUTATION THAN EPSTEIN'S SOMEHOW. BUT IN STATEN ISLAND, THE KIDS
MOLEST THE PRIESTS. EVERYTHING'S BACKWARDS DOWN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME -- AND BY THAT, I MEAN TWO --
IS THIS WHAT I WANTED TO DO WHEN I GREW UP, AND NO, I AM FROM STATEN ISLAND.
MY DREAM WAS TO BE A CONSTRUCTION WORKER. IT WAS.
HOPEFULLY WORK FOR A CONSTRUCTION COMPANY FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS, AND IF I'M LUCKY,
FALL OFF A LADDER. SUE THE CITY FOR 6 MIL, SETTLE FOR 3.
MARRY A CHICK I HAD A CRUSH ON IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT I'M NOT REALLY INTO ANYMORE, BUT NO ONE
ELSE CAN HAVE HER. THAT WAS MY DREAM. I REMEMBER THE FIRST NIGHT I
WENT TO DO A STANDUP STORY. I LOVE THIS STORY. IT'S LIKE MY ORIGIN STORY.
I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS GIRL IN MY CAR. BECAUSE IN STATEN ISLAND, IT'S
LIKE A CONDO. SO WE WERE IN MY TWO-BEDROOM CHEROKEE -- WITH A VIEW.
THIS GIRL WAS AWESOME. SHE WAS JUST A SEX FRIEND. IT WAS HER IDEA.
SHE WAS AWESOME. THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE, YOU KNOW.
THE GOOD OLE BROADS. I REMEMBER IT WAS ACTUALLY THE FIRST NIGHT I EVER HAD A STANDUP
SHOW, BUT I FORGOT BECAUSE I WAS HAVING SEX, RIGHT, AND I ACTUALLY DIDN'T REALIZE UNTIL
AFTER I FINISHED. LIKE IMMEDIATELY AFTER. I WAS LIKE, AH -- AHH, I'M LATE!
AND EARLY, RELAX. AND I WAS SO NERVOUS TO TELL THIS GIRL.
THAT'S SO RUDE. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LIKE, WELL, BYE.
BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET PIZZA AFTER. THAT'S MY GUARANTEE.
GET A SLICE. SO I -- I WAS SO NERVOUS TO TELL HER.
I WAS LIKE, I'M SO SORRY, I FORGOT I HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT IN THE CITY.
CAN WE GET PIZZA TOMORROW. SHE WAS LIKE, OF COURSE. YOU'RE TRYING TO DO STANDUP?
THAT'S AMAZING. GO FOR IT. THAT'S SO COOL.
I WAS LIKE, WOW, THANKS. THEN SHE SAID SOMETHING, YOU GUYS, THAT I'LL NEVER FORGET.
I STILL THINK ABOUT IT TODAY. SHE SAID THE COOLEST THING ANYBODY'S EVER SAID TO ME.
SHE'S PUTTING ON HER SHIRT, AND SHE GOES, HEY, MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL BE WATCHING TV WITH MY
HUSBAND, AND YOU'LL POP ON. [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH.
AND THEN I'LL TURN TO MY HUSBAND, AND I'LL GO, HEY, I BANGED THAT GUY.
AND I REMEMBER, I WAS LIKE, WHAT DID YOU READ MY DIARY? WHO SAYS THAT.
THAT WAS SO COOL. WHO SAYS THAT. I REMEMBER BEING ALL HYPED UP
DRIVING TO THE CITY LIKE I'M GOING TO BE A COMEDIAN. AND I THINK ABOUT THAT BECAUSE
IT'S VERY SPECIAL. SHE KIND OF PREDICTED THE FUTURE.
I DID GET ON TV. THAT'S VERY COOL. SHE TRAGICALLY DIED OF AN
OVERDOSE TWO YEARS LATER. YES, THAT'S VERY SAD. SHE WAS ONE FOR TWO.
AND I FOUND OUT -- THIS IS MESSED UP. I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING TV WITH
MY GIRLFRIEND, AND SHE POPPED ON. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN I TURNED TO MY GIRLFRIEND, AND I WENT, HEY, I BANGED THAT GIRL.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! ICE SPICE IS HERE, SO STICK
AROUND.
RIGHT BACK
>>> WELCOME TO FOX NFL SUNDAY. WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME COMING UP
BETWEEN THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES WHO LEAD THE NFC EAST AND THE NEW YORK JETS, WHO WERE CURSED
BY A WARLOCK A THOUSAND YEARS AGO, AND THEY CAN NEVER EXPERIENCE JOY.
JOINING ME TODAY ARE OUR ANALYSTS, HOWIE LONG, COACH JIMMY JOHNSON, HALL OF FAMER,
MICHAEL STRAHAN, AND FOR ECONOMIC RELIEF, TERRY BRADSHAW. >> THEY SHAVED ONE OF THE GUYS
FROM "DUCK DYNASTY," AND HERE I AM. >> ALL RIGHT.
IT'S WEEK SEVEN, AND IF ANY TAYLOR SWIFT FANS ARE WATCHING, THE CHIEFS GAME WAS ON THURSDAY.
YOU JUST MISSED HER. >> YEAH. LISTEN, SORRY, SWIFTIES, THIS IS
A SHOW ABOUT FOOTBALL. IT'S A SPORT. ASK YOUR DAD.
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET INTO THE GAME AND STOP
YAPPING ABOUT TAYLOR AND HER LITTLE BOYFRIEND. >> WHOA.
>> BOYFRIEND? HOLD ON THERE.
NO ONE SAID BOYFRIEND. LET'S NO JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS HERE.
>> YEAH, YEAH. THEY'RE HANGING OUT. THEY'RE TAKING THEIR TIME, AND I
THINK THAT'S GREAT. >> JIMMY, I REALLY HAVE TO DISAGREE.
SHE'S IN THE LUXURY BOX HANGING WITH MAMA KELSEY KNOCKING BACK COCKTAILS WITH DEADPOOL, FOLKS,
THEY'RE OFFICIAL. >> HEY, I'M JUST GLAD IT'S NOT MATTY HEALY.
>> OH, DON'T SAY THAT NAME, NO. >> HEY, LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY WHATEVER IT IS, I WANT TO SAY TO
TRAVIS KELCE, FROM ONE SUPER BOWL CHAMPION TO ANOTHER, THIS IS A WAY BIGGER DEAL THAN THE
SUPER BOWL. YOU CANNOT MESS THIS UP. THIS IS VERY DELICATE.
>> IT'S SO EARLY. YOU'RE TREATING IT LIKE IT'S JOE ALL OVER AGAIN.
THAT WON'T END WELL. DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO KARMA? >> WHAT?
KARMA'S NOT ABOUT JOE. ARE YOU INSANE? NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT
JOE. >> IT WAS A FORMATIVE RELATIONSHIP.
>> WE DIDN'T SAY IT WASN'T! >> ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH.
LET'S GET TO THE GAME. THE EAGLES ARE HEAVILY FAVORED, BUT THE JETS HAVE SOME DEFENSIVE
SCHEMES THAT MIGHT SLOW THEM DOWN. LET'S GO TO OUR NEWEST NFL
SIDELINE REPORTER, KENNY DiTULLIO, WHO'S AT MET LIFE STADIUM.
KENNY, WHAT'S THE MOOD DOWN THERE? >> DEVASTATED, CURT.
TAYLOR IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. >> YOU TOO? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT TAYLOR
SWIFT WOULD BE AT A JETS/EAGLES GAME? >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY?
BECAUSE THERE WAS A RUMOR ONLINE SHE WAS COMING TO CHEER ON TRAVIS KELCE'S BROTHER JASON WHO
PLAYS FOR THE EAGLES, DUH. SO FAR, NO SIGN OF BLONDIE. WONDERING WHY I'M EVEN HERE.
>> BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR JOB. WHAT'S GOING ON IN TONIGHT'S MATCHUP?
>> THERE'S A LOT GOING ON HERE. LOOK AT TAYLOR'S EYES. LOOK AT THE THUMBS UP.
IT'S A LOVE STORY, BABY JUST SEA -- YEAH! >> WELL, THANK YOU, KENNY.
YOU HAVE BEEN THE OPPOSITE OF HELPFUL. MAN, I CANNOT BELIEVE OUR
SIDELINE REPORTER IS THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TAYLOR SWIFT FAN. >> HOLD ON NOW.
I WAS ONLINE FOR THE PAST 48 HOURS GETTING THESE ERAS MOVIES TICKETS.
IT'S GOT TO BE ME. >> COME ON. EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M THE BIGGEST
SWIFTY HERE. >> YOU? YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON SWIFT TOK.
>> HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN TAYLOR LIVE? >> WHO ME?
I DON'T KNOW. HAVE I? MET LIFE STADIUM, NIGHT ONE AND
NIGHT THREE. >> GUESS WHAT? PHILADELPHIA, NIGHT TWO.
>> NO WAY! WHAT WERE YOUR SECRET SONGS? >> FOREVER AND ALWAYS, AND THIS
LOVE. >> YOU GOT THIS LOVE? OH, MY GOD.
I AM NOT OKAY. >> KNOCK IT OFF. PEOPLE TUNED IN FOR FOOTBALL,
OKAY? LET'S TAKE A BREAK. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL GET
INTO THIS HEATED EAST COAST RIVALRY. THESE TWO TEAMS, THEY GOT A LOT
OF BAD BLOOD. >>. * BECAUSE WE USED TO HAVE BAD
LOVE, BUT BABY NOW WE GOT BAD BLOOD * >> OKAY.
I'M DONE. WHEN WE GET BACK, WE ARE GOING TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE WHO
ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK FOOTBALL. >> YES, PLEASE.
>>> WHAT IS PETE EVEN GOING TO DO? >> I HAVE NO IDEA.
HE ONLY HAS LIKE ONE CHARACTER. >> WHY IS HE HOSTING AGAIN? HE JUST LEFT, AND IT'S NOT LIKE
HIS SHOW WAS A HIT. >> LIKE HOW YOU GET JOE PESCI AND EDIE FALCO, AND NO VIEWERS?
* NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE WORK I DO * * I MADE A SHOW WITH JOE PESCI,
TOO, AND NO ONE STREAMED IT BUT MY MOM * * WHEN I'M HIGH, I DO THINGS
LIKE CALL UP COLIN JOST AND SAY, HOMEY, WE SHOULD BUY A BOAT * * THEY TELL ME I HAVE BUTHOLE
EYES, YET I NEVER SLEEP ALONE AT NIGHT * * 'CUZ I'M JUST PETE, ANYONE
ELSE, I WOULD BE A THREE, BUT I GUESS I'M HOT FOR DUDES IN COMEDY *
* 'CUZ IT'S AN UGLY INDUSTRY * * I'M JUST PETE, LOOKING LIKE A METH HEAD ON THE STREET, PEOPLE
ONLINE STILL CALL ME SKEET * * BECAUSE OF A GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN'T SAY LEGALLY *
* PETES, ASSEMBLE * >> BLACK PETE. IT'S JUST BLACK PETE, THEN?
ALL RIGHT. ** * I'M 6'4" AND 100 POUNDS, BUT I
GOT POWER * * DO YOU THINK IT'S HOT THAT I -- WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER *
* AND OUT OF THE BLUE, LIKE THREE TIMES A YEAR WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT *
* I GO TO REHAB * ** * CAN YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY,
ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY * * THAT FAMOUS BD -- ENERGY * * CAN YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY,
ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY * * THAT PETE BIPOLAR ENERGY * **
* I'M JUST PETE, MY DATING LIFE IS NOT DISCRETE * * I GENERATE TONS OF PUBLICITY
FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY COMEDY * * I'M JUST PETE, AND I LIKE
JUGS, I'M MENTALLY ILL AND I'M ON DRUGS * * BUT, HEY, I'M STILL IN SUPER
BOWL COMMERCIALS * * MY NAME'S PETE, AND SO IS MINE, I DELETED ALL MY ACCOUNTS
ONLINE * * 'CUZ THE DOCTOR SAID THE INTERNET WASN'T GOOD FOR ME *
* MAYBE I'M PETE * >> ARE YOU READY, PETE? >> SURE AM, BARBIE.
AW, NOT AGAIN
OF MARVEL'S NEW DISNEY+ SHOW, STARK LABS, AND WE'RE GOING TO DO THE WIRED AUTOCOMPLETE
INTERVIEW. YEAH. WE GOT TO PRACTICE THAT.
>> SO THIS IS LIKE THE MOST POPULAR INTERNET SEARCHES ON US? >> UH-OH.
>> SHUT UP, SEAN. OKAY. IS CARISSA JOHNSON RELATED TO
JACK JOHNSON? BITCH, DO IT LOOK LIKE I'M RELATED TO JACK JOHNSON?
>> ALL RIGHT. MY TURN. IS DEENA SULLIVAN SINGLE?
UM, I'M GOING TO PLEAD THE FIFTH. >> COME ON.
BORING. OKAY. IT'S MY TURN, Y'ALL.
IS ZACK ELLIOTT THE GUY WHO LOST FULL CONTROL OF HIS BOWLS ON THAT DELTA FLIGHT AND THE PLANE
HAD TO TURN AROUND? WHAT? INTERNET'S CRAZY, MAN.
I PASS, MAN. >> ALL RIGHT. VERY COOL.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY. MY TURN.
ALL RIGHT. IS SEAN McEVANS A MILLIONAIRE? A LADY NEVER TELLS.
BUT, YES. >> SEAN, GROSS, DUDE. ALL RIGHT.
MY TURN. IS TERRANCE ESCOBEDO SHORTER THAN DEENA SULLIVAN?
YOU TELL ME. >> OH, MAN, THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
ALL RIGHT. MY TURN AGAIN. ZACK ELLIOTT, DIARRHEA SMELLS SO
BAD ON DELTA FLIGHT THAT OXYGEN MASKS CAME DOWN. DUDE, I MEAN, COME ON, MAN.
THERE'S SO MANY MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO GOOGLE ABOUT ME THAN THIS DUMB DELTA THING.
I COLLECT SNEAKERS, AND I'M RIGHT-HANDED. >> OH, NICE.
THAT'S AWESOME. >> YEAH. RIGHT-HANDED.
>> VERY COOL. VERY COOL. ALL RIGHT.
MY TURN. DOES SEAN McEVANS HAVE TATTOOS? YES, I HAVE ONE.
IT'S THE WORD OPEN-MINDED ACROSS MY ENTIRE CHEST. >> SEE.
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. I MEAN, LIKE MAYBE I HAVE TATTOOS TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT. THEN GO, ZACK. >> ALL RIGHT.
THANKS. WHY DID ZACK ELLIOTT GO TO THE BATHROOM IN HIS SEAT INSTEAD OF
USING THE AIRPLANE TOILET? THIS AGAIN? I MEAN, BRO, THE SEAT BELT SIGN
WAS ON. I MEAN, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, BREAK THE LAW?
WHATEVER, MAN. SOMEONE ELSE GO. >> OKAY.
HAS DEENA SULLIVAN HEARD BLACK BOX RECORDING OF PILOT ON ZACK ELLIOTT DELTA FLIGHT?
NO, I HAVEN'T. CAN WE PLAY IT? >> DON'T PLAY IT, PLEASE.
>> THIS IS DELTA 194 REQUESTING RETURN TO AIRPORT. >> COPY DELTA 194.
IS THERE A MECHANICAL ERROR? >> NEGATIVE. THAT ZACK ELLIOTT GUY JUST
[ BLEEP ] ALL OVER HIMSELF IN THE I'LL. I'M SORRY.
>> OH, DUDE, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT. THAT'S AWESOME.
>> WHY IS EVERYONE SO OBSESSED WITH THIS DELTA THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE WHO ATE SIX
ANNIE ANN'S MEAT AND BEANS PRETZELS RIGHT BEFORE BOARDING. DID YOU KNOW I STARTED A
CHILDREN'S CHARITY? NOTHING ABOUT THAT. WHATEVER.
I GUESS HELPING SICK KIDS DOESN'T GET CLICKS. >> ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST GO. DOES SEAN McEVANS VOLUNTEER WITH ZACK ELLIOTT'S CHARITY.
HEY, THERE YOU GO, ZACK. >> FINALLY. >> OH, WAIT.
I THINK IT CONTINUES ON THE BACK ACTUALLY. CHARITY THAT HE STARTED TO HELP
KIDS ON THE DELTA FLIGHT AFFLICTED WITH DIARRHEA LUNG. >> EWW.
>> HER GRANDMA WAS A NAZI. >> JUST DURING THE WAR.
ENOUGH FOR TAKING MY CASE. >> WELL, HERE AT THE LAW OFFICE OF SCHWARTZ AND ALEXANDER,
THAT'S WHAT WE DO. PLUS, I KNOW YOUR FATHER. >> WISH I DID.
>> IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, THIS IS MY SECRETARY, TRUDY. >> HIYA, BOYS.
HAPPY FRIDAY. >> COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME A -- >> BOURBON ON THE ROCKS?
WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BOSS. >> I LIKE YOUR STYLE. DO YOU HAVE MY --
>> SCHEDULE FOR THE DAY, ON YOUR DESK. >> AND COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME
A COPY OF -- >> MR. CUTCHIN'S CASE FILE? TRY 100.
BY THE WAY, WE'RE OUT OF PAPER. >> TRUDY, YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF.
>> WELL, A GOOD SECRETARY DOESN'T REACT. SHE ANTICIPATE.
>> THAT WAS THE PROBLEM WITH THE LAST GIRL AT MY DESK. THAT PLUS SHE GOT SO FAT, A BABY
CAME OUT. >> I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. >> ANYWAY, MR. CUTCHIN, PLEASE,
JOIN ME IN MY OFFICE. >> WAIT. YOUR SUIT.
WELL, WELL, WELL. HOW DID I KNOW YOU WOULD GET A LITTLE DIJON ON YOUR NECKTIE?
>> THAT'S NOT A STAIN, IT'S A PATTERN. BUT THANKS.
>> WELL, IT FILLED ME UP. BYE, BOYS. >> MORNING, TRUDY.
I HAVE A PACKAGE HERE FOR -- >> LET ME GUESS, MY BOSS, MR. ROBERTS.
>> THAT IS CORRECT. IT'S THE EVIDENCE FILED FOR THE TURNER --
>> LET ME GUESS. CASE. >> YES.
AND TRUDY, MAKE SURE TO RESTOCK THE BATHROOM. WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON TOILET --
>> PAPER. >> IT'S NOT IMPRESSIVE TO GUESS WHEN THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.
BEFORE I GET OUT OF HERE, I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEW ASSOCIATE, JIM.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU. >> I'M PICKING UP ON AN ACCENT. LET ME GUESS.
GEORGIA? >> NO. >> BOSTON.
>> NO. >> GEORGIA. >> I'M DONE MEETING HER.
>> BYE. >> CALL ME ALANA. >> TRUDY, COULD YOU PLEASE CALL
DOWNSTAIRS AND ORDER ALANA A -- >> WHORE? >> NO.
HE WANTS A CAR. >> YOU WANT TO DO THAT WITH A CAR?
WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. SANTOS, GET ME YOUR SEXIEST DODGE CADILLAC, AND THROW A
TOWEL IN THE BACKSEAT. ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A 4:00 DATE WITH A CAR.
>> TRUDY, I JUST NEED YOU TO -- >> SIT HERE AND LOOK PRETTY? NOW, THAT, I CAN DO.
>> OH, MY GOD. SHE JUST FELL THROUGH HER DESK. >> AND SOMEHOW HER TOP JUST FLEW
OFF. TRUDY. >> THAT'S ALL TRUE, BOSS.
>> ARE YOU OKAY, TRUDY? DO YOU NEED ANYTHING? >> I GUESS I JUST NEED --
>> A BOSS WHO'S ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU, SEEING YOU, APPRECIATING YOU, DESPITE ALL THE HR
COMPLAINTS ABOUT -- >> ME BATHING IN THE SINK HERE AT WORK?
MR. ROBERTS, I HAD NO IDEA YOU WANTED TO -- >> GET LOST IN YOUR BUTT?
I DO. MY GOD, I DO. BUT IF WE'RE GOING TO GET
TOGETHER, FIRST YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO -- >> SMOKE A FATTY SO YOU KNOW I'M
A REAL ONE? >> YOU READ MY MIND. >> ISN'T LOVE BEAUTIFUL?
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A DATE WITH A CAR.
>> YO. >> OH, WELCOME BACK, TEAM. >> BOYS.
MELVIN, ICE SPICE. >> SO COOL YOU'RE HOSTING, MAN. THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING,
BUT WE WERE JUST WATCHING VIDEOS OF YOU DOING STANDUP WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER.
>> NO WAY. >> PRETTY CRAZY. >> I'M INTO COUGARS, YOU KNOW.
I THINK 21-YEAR-OLDS ARE SO HOT. IT'S RIDICULOUS. >> THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD PUBES.
>> YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, DUDE. YOU'VE COME SO FAR. >> MAKES ME THINK ABOUT WHEN WE
WERE STARTING OUT. >> DID YOU KNOW WE ALSO STARTED OUT AS YOUNG STANDUPS?
>> NO WAY. SHOW ME.
>> MY FIRST BIG SET. >> WERE YOU LIKE A DEAF JAM COMIC?
>> YEAH, WE ALL WERE. >> LIVE AT THE APOLLO, IT'S THE ORIGINAL PRINCES OF COMEDY.
THEY MIGHT BE SMALL, BUT THEY GOT BIG ATTITUDES. FEATURING BEN SMOKE DOG
MARSHALL.
>> NOW YOU'RE LIKE THE WHITEST PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN. >> PUT A SOCK IN IT, WISE GUY.
WE ARE NOT. >> ALL THREE OF YOU ARE WEARING DIFFERENT TAYLOR SWIFT SHIRTS.
>> YOU GO TO THE ERAS TOUR AND NOT GET MERCH. >> WATCH AS THEY GO OFF ON
BEDTIME, RECESS, AND COOCHIE.
>> WE DID SHOWS WITH MELANEY TOO.
>> WASN'T REALLY HIS ACCIDENT SCENE. >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
MY MOTHER IS HERE, AND SHE WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET -- >> OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT SMOKE DOG
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * MM STOP PLAYIN' WITH 'EM RIOT *
* SHE IN HA MOOD, SHE LIT. * * IN THE MIRROR, I'M DOING MY
DANCE * * DON'T GOT A CHANCE, SO I'M LOVING MY BAND SNOENT
* I TRIED DIPPING, HE BEGGED ME TO STAY * * IN A PARTY, HE JUST WANNA
RUN * * SHE A BADDIE, SHE KNOW SHE A TEN *
* IF I WAS BITCHES, I WOULD HATE ME A LOT * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD *
* SHE LIT * * SAY THEY LOVE ME, BUT WANTING
MY PLACE * AND I'M STILL GETTING BIGGER, GOING VIRAL IS GETTING THEM
SICKER * * I'M STUCK IN A RUT, PRETTY BITCHES LIKE RUNNING WITH A BIG
BUTT * * I'M MAKING THEM WAITING WITH HOLD ON, I'M MAKING THEM WAIT,
HOLD ON, HOLD ON * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD *
* SHE LIT, SHE WANT MONEY TOO * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD, LIKE DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD *
* SHE LIT, GET MONEY TOO, LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, THIS WAS A TERRIBLE WEEK FOR THE WORLD, BUT A GREAT WEEK
FOR RANDOM IDIOTS WHO LIKE TO SHARE COMPLETELY UNHINGED THOUGHTS WHEREVER THEY CAN.
REALLY, IT'S NOT EVEN ON SOCIAL MEDIA ANYMORE. I SAW A THOUSAND-WORD ES SAY
CALLED HOW I WOULD FIX PALESTINE, AND IT WAS POSTED IN A YELP REVIEW OF A BUFFALO WILD
WINGS. EVEN LEADERS ARE MAKING IT WORSE.
FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO PRAISE THE GROUP HE HAS BU LA, CALLING
THEM VERY SMART. >> BUTLER WAS SWORN IN AS SENATOR BECOMING THE FIRST
OPENLY BLACK WOMAN IN CONGRESS. YOU MEAN SECOND, SAID GEORGE SANTOS.
NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE IN A PROMO FOR A PORN SHOP REALITY SHOW WAS
INDICTED ON FEDERAL CHARGES, INCLUDING CONSPIRACY, WIRE FRAUD, AND IDENTITY THEFT.
HE WAS ALSO INDICTED FOR RECKLESS HOMICIDE WHEN THAT BUTTON SHOT OFF HIS JACKET AND
KILLED A BYSTANDER. >> NEW JERSEY SENATOR AND MOST SUCCESSFUL MEMBER OF THE
LOLLIPOP GUILD, POP MENENDEZ WAS INDICTED ON CHARGES OF BRIBING. HE DESCRIBED THEM AS OVER THE
TOP AS MY NEW BEJEWELED SCARAB. REPUBLICANS ON FRIDAY NOMINATED JIM JORDAN TO BE THE NEXT HOUSE
SPEAKER. JORDAN IS BEST KNOWN FOR DENYING THE 2020 ELECTION RESULTS,
LOOKING THE OTHER WAY ON AN OHIO STATE SEXUAL ABUSE SCANDAL, AND FOR HIS ROLE AS ANGER ON INSIDE
OUT. >> PLAYBOY HAS CUT TIES WITH STAR MIA KHALIFA.
SEE, I WAS GOOGLING HER FOR WORK. IN A NEW INTERVIEW, JADA PINKETT
SMITH REVEALS THAT SHE AND HUSBAND WILL SMITH HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN SEPARATED SINCE 2016.
IRONICALLY, AFTER HE SUGGESTED THAT SHE SHOULD STAR IN G.I. JANE TWO.
I WAS TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED. >> A PUBLIC LIBRARY IN ALABAMA HAS FLAGGED A CHILDREN'S BOOK AS
SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JUST BECAUSE THE AUTHOR'S LAST NAME IS GAY. TO BE FAIR, THE BOOK IS TITLED
GAY'S PORN FOR KIDS.
STILL CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH THE STATUES OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. >> CHE AND MICHAEL, IT'S GREAT
TO DISCOVER AMERICA. >> YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
BUT HI, CHRISTOPHER. I WAS GOING TO SAY IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT
IT IS. >> OH, COME ON, MICHAEL, YOU ARE MY SECOND FAVORITE COMEDIAN.
>> WHO'S YOUR FIRST? >> SEBASTIAN. MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT
HE'S ITALIAN. LIKE ME. AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY YOU
TAKE THE STATUES DOWN. IT'S OKAY. I'M OKAY WITH IT.
>> YOU WANT THEM TO TAKE DOWN YOUR STATUE? >> I MEAN, IT WAS 1492.
THAT'S LIKE 100 YEARS AGO. PLUS, I JUST HATE THE WAY THE STATUES LOOK.
I DON'T EVEN POSE LIKE THAT. >> HOW DO YOU POSE? >> YOU KNOW, JUST NATURAL, LIKE
THIS. OR LIKE THIS. OR, UM, LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S MORE ME. THAT'S MORE MY VIBE. ALSO, I AM JUST A LITTLE
EMBARRASSED. I THOUGHT THIS WAS ASIA. OKAY?
ISN'T THAT KIND OF CRINGE? YOU WANT A STATUE OF A GUY WHO THOUGHT IT WAS ASIA?
I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO DISCOVER AMERICA. >> WELL, YOU DIDN'T.
>> WELL, I FEEL LIKE I DID. AND MY FEELINGS ARE VALID, NO? >> DON'T GO THERE, MAN.
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE. >> I HONESTLY MIGHT. I ONLY CAME TO AMERICA BECAUSE I
WAS LOOKING FOR THE SPICE. >> FOR SPICES? >> YES, THE SPICE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE SPICE LIKE THE SHOW HOT ONES. SOMEONE LIKE D.J.KHALID EAT MORE
AND MORE SPICES. >> YES, I KNOW HOT ONES. >> I DISCOVERED THAT.
>> NO, YOU DID NOT. >> I DISCOVERED ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
ELECTRICITY, TEX MEX, JAZZ. >> PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU DISCOVERED JAZZ.
>> I WATCHED A MOVIE CALLED LA-LA LAND. >> JAZZ ALREADY EXISTED, MAN.
>> YES, BUT I DISCOVERED, MICHAEL. YOU KNOW BOY GENIUS.
>> THE BAND WITH FEEBY BRIDGES WHO SINGS THE SONG? >> SEE?
MICHAEL CHE KNOW BOY GENIUS. I LONG AGO SEE THREE QUEER GIRLS OPENING FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, AND I
SAY, YOU, YOU, YOU, GO MAKE SAD LITTLE GAY SONG. GO.
>> YOU DIDN'T DISCOVER THEM EITHER. >> YES, I DID.
I DISCOVERED THEM ON MY BIG BOAT. >> YOUR WHAT?
>> MY BOAT THAT GO ON THE WATER. THE OCEAN BLOW. WHERE THEY FILM FINDING NEMO.
WHAT'S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. MARCO. >> MICHAEL.
>> MARCO CHE. >> MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I DISCOVERED YOU, MICHAEL
CHE. I REMEMBER IT WAS AT CAROLINA'S ON BROADWAY.
I WAS EATING THE WINGS WITH THE SPICE. THEY GAVE YOU THE LIGHT, YOU
KEPT GOING FOR 45 MINUTES. >> COME ON. >> YOU DID YOUR BIT ABOUT --
WHICH I ALSO DISCOVERED. I DO HAVE ONE MORE QUERY. TELL ME ABOUT THIS ICE SPICE.
>> SHE'S A RAPPER. SHE JUST PERFORMED. >> OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I DISCOVER HER THANK YOU, MARCO THANK YOU.
STUDYING A SKELETON THAT THEY SAY IS REWRITING THE MYSTERY OF SYPHILIS.
THE SKELETON IS BETTER KNOWN BY ITS STAGE NAME, RUSSELL BRAND. >> CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME THE
FIRST STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO ISSUE EBONY ALERTS WHEN A BLACK CHILD GOES MISSING.
HERE WITH MORE ON THIS IS COLIN JOST. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHY? IT'S THE FIRST SHOW. >> READ THE CARD.
>> CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME THE FIRST STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO ENACT EBONY ALERTS TO HELP FIND
MISSING BLACK CHILDREN. AND I'LL SAVE YOU SOME TIME, THEY'RE NOT WITH THEIR FATHERS.
OH, YOU LIKE THAT? WELL, HERE'S ANOTHER. I CAN'T WAIT.
CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME -- I LIKE THAT WE RESTATE IT. CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME THE FIRST
STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO ISSUE EBONY ALERTS WHEN A BLACK CHILD GOES MISSING, AND HOPEFULLY THE
POLICE FIND THEM BEFORE I DO. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THOSE ARE SOME ROUGH JOKES,
COLIN. THE SECOND LARGEST HINDU TEMPLE IN THE WORLD HAS OPENED IN NEW
JERSEY. HINDU LEADERS BELIEVE THE TEMPLE ENDED UP IN NEW JERSEY BECAUSE
IT DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE IN A FORMER LIFE. >> A FISHERMAN IN TEXAS SET A
NEW WORLD RECORD AFTER HE CAUGHT A 280-POUND ALLIGATOR GAR FISH. AND LIKE EVERYTHING CAUGHT IN
TEXAS, IT WAS IMMEDIATELY BUSSED TO NEW YORK CITY. >> YESTERDAY WAS NATIONAL NO-BRA
DAY, AND BOY WAS I DIZZY. A NEW -- [ LAUGHTER ]
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT 53% OF DOG OWNERS IN THE U.S. QUESTION WHETHER THE RABIES VACCINE IS
SAFE FOR THEIR PETS BECAUSE THEY HEARD IT COULD CAUSE PAWTISM. >> ALASKA AIRLINES SAYS THAT
IT'S CREATED A NEW COFFEE BLEND FOR PASSENGERS THAT TASTES BETTER WHEN THE PLANE IS IN THE
AIR. WHILE SPIRIT AIRLINES HAS CREATED A SPECIAL MOONSHINE THEY
GIVE OUT WHEN THEY HAVE TO LAND UPSIDE DOWN.
STORIES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS THE COLORADO BUFFALOS WHO HAVE HAD A REMARKABLE TURNAROUND,
THANKS TO THEIR COACH, TWO-SPORT, DEION SANDERS. HERE TO COMMENT IS DEION
SANDERS. >> SUP, COLIN? SUP, CHE?
>> WHAT'S UP, MAN? >> LIKE THAT BLACK DAD JOKE. PRIME TIME IN THE HOUSE.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WE JUST KEEP WINNING, MAN. EVERY GAME, EVERY MINUTE.
WE WINNING AT LIFE. >> YEAH. YEAH.
WELL, YOU'RE ALSO 4-3. SO YOU HAVE LOST A FEW. >> COLIN, LOOK AT ME, MAN.
WHAT ABOUT ME MAKES YOU THINK THAT I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME?
HUH? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT MY TEAM HAS IT ALL, MAN.
COACHING, GENIUS. OFFENSE, EXPLOSIVE. DEFENSE, TRYING.
IT'S A COMPLETE PACKAGE, MAN. >> YEAH. WELL, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE
WATCHING YOUR GAMES. YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY TURNED THE PROGRAM AROUND.
IT'S NOT PERFECT. JUST LAST NIGHT, YOU LOST TO STANFORD IN DOUBLE OVERTIME.
>> WASN'T THAT CRAZY? MAN, WE WERE UP 29-0 AT THE HALF.
SO I WENT HOME AND FELL ASLEEP. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING SHOCKED AS ANYONE.
BUT COME ON, NOBODY'S PERFECT. NAME ONE TEAM THAT'S UNDEFEATED. >> THERE'S GEORGIA.
>> RIGHT. >> MICHIGAN. >> UH-HUH.
>> OHIO STATE. >> THAT'S ANOTHER ONE. >> FLORIDA STATE.
>> FORGOT ABOUT THEM. >> PENN STATE. >> GOOD TEAM.
>> NORTH CAROLINA. >> TAR HEELS. >> AIR FORCE.
>> SEE. THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. >> WHAT IS YOUR POINT?
>> COLIN, LOOK AT ME, MAN. TO ME, COACHING IS A HIGHER CALL ZBLG THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU STARTED YOUR COACHING CAREER AT JACKSON STATE, WHICH IS AN HBC OR HISTORICALLY BLACK
COLLEGE, RIGHT? >> VERY GOOD, COLIN. THAT'S VERY GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD CALLED ME THERE, AND HE SAID, THIS IS YOUR DESTINY.
>> RIGHT. AND THEN THREE YEARS LATER, YOU WENT TO CHICAGO -- I MEAN,
COLORADO. >> YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE GOD CALLED ME AGAIN AND WAS LIKE, MY BAD. AND THEN HE SHOWED ME THE
PROMISE LAND OF COLORADO. I HAD THESE VISIONS, COLIN. A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS WHITE
PEOPLE. LIKE EVERY SINGLE PERSON WAS WHITE.
NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT COLORADO IS AN HWCU, OR HISTORICALLY WHITE COLLEGE.
KIND OF LIKE WHERE YOU WENT, COLIN. >> WELL, I MEAN, HARVARD IS
PRETTY DIVERSE, YOU KNOW. >> COLIN. LOOK AT ME, MAN.
NOW LOOK AT CHE. NOW LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE. NOW LOOK AT MY FINGERS.
BOOP. I GOT YOU, MAN. I GOT YOU.
COLIN, WE UNSTOPPABLE, MAN. WE ONLY LOST THREE GAMES. I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A TEAM
THAT'S LOST FEWER THAN THAT. >> WELL, THERE'S TEXAS. >> OKAY.
>> ALABAMA. >> GREAT PROGRAM. >> OLE MISS.
>> THEM TOO. >> UTAH. >> YEAH.
>> DUKE. >> REALLY? >> TENNESSEE.
>> VOLS. >> USC. >> THEY BEAT US TOO.
ONE MORE. >> BYU. >> TWO MORE.
>> TULANE. >> THREE MORE. >> IOWA.
>> YOU CAN STOP NOW. COLIN, SOME TEAMS MIGHT HAVE A BETTER RECORD.
BUT WE GETTING PAID. NIL DEALS, BABY. IT'S LIKE I SAID WHEN I WAS THE
MUSICAL GUEST ON THIS VERY SHOW BACK IN '95. LOOK AT THIS.
* MUST BE THE MONEY * >> YEAH. REALLY, REALLY NICE MOVES.
>> COLIN, LOOK AT ME. >> I'M LOOKING THE WHOLE TIME. >> NAME A MORE ICONIC MUSICAL
GUEST ON SNL. >> WELL, THERE'S PRINCE. >> SURE.
>> DAVID BOWIE. >> LEGEND. >> JAY-Z.
>> YEAH. >> NIRVANA. U 2.
>> OKAY. BUT AFTER THEM AND LIKE MAYBE THE NEXT 300, IT'S PRIME TIME,
BABY. >> IT SURE IS. DEION SANDERS, EVERYONE.
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE, GOOD NIGHT.
>> GOOD JOB, CREW. WE MADE IT TO ARTEMIS 5, AND THAT WAS A PRETTY SMOOTH
HYPERDRIVE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. >> NOT TO SPOIL THE MOOD, BUT A
WARSHIP HAS JUST DECLOAKED STARBOARD. >> SHOW ME.
IF THEY'RE HERE IN ALLIED SPACE, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. GIVE US COMES.
>> I'LL GIVE IT MY ALL, CAPTAIN, BUT THEY'VE BLOCKED TRANSMISSIONS.
>> AND THEIR LASER IS LOCKED ON OUR VESSEL. >> THIS IS NO WAY TO START THE
WEEKEND. SHIELD UP, AND LET'S HOPE THERE'S NO MORE SURPRISES.
>> OH, MY GOD. THIS IS CRAZY! >> EXCUSE ME.
WHO ARE YOU, AND HOW DID YOU GET ON MY BRIDGE. >> OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.
I HAD TO COME IN. I USED TO WORK HERE. IT'S SO DIFFERENT.
BUT LIKE TOTALLY THE SAME. I'M MARLEY. >> MARLEY.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, BUT THIS MAY NOT BE THE BEST TIME. >> OH, YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK?
I KNOW HOW THAT USED TO BE. I USED TO WORK HERE. I'M MARLEY.
OH, MY GOD. WAIT, THEY MOVED THIS. THIS USED TO BE THERE.
THIS WHOLE THING USED TO BE THERE. OH, BUT I THINK THIS IS BETTER.
BETTER FLOW. OH, MY GOD, TODD CAMENELLI? YOU'RE STILL HERE?
>> WHAT ABOUT IT? >> YOU GOT OLD. OH, HOW DID YOU GET SO OLD?
HE WAS THE HOT YOUNG NAVIGATION GUY WITH ALL THE MUSCLES AND NOW YOU'RE OLD.
>> OH, GET OUT OF HERE. WE'RE BUSY. >> OH, YOU BIG FLIRT.
YOU MISSED ME. >> NO, FALSE. >> ENEMY SHIP IS IN ATTACK
RANGE. >> PREPARE TO RETURN FIRE. >> I'M ON IT, CAPTAIN.
>> OH, MY GOD. THE GIRL THAT USED TO DO YOUR JOB.
WHAT WAS HER NAME AGAIN? DINA? >> DEBORAH.
>> I THINK IT WAS DINA. OR WAS IT KATANA? SHE WAS A BIG SLUT.
>> THIS VISIT NEEDS TO END, MARLEY. >> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME,
YOU OLD GROUCH. >> FIVE WORDS. TOO MUCH ALL THE TIME.
>> CAPTAIN, I DO NOT KNOW HOW, BUT THE PLASMA ENGINE HAS BEEN DISABLED.
>> CAN I SIT HERE? I USED TO SIT HERE. OH, MY GOD.
I WOULD BE HERE AND MY THING WAS I WAS IN CHARGE OF LUNCH. I WOULD TURN OVER HERE AND SAY
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH. AND THEN I WOULD TURN OVER HERE AND SAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR
LUNCH, AND THAT'S HOW WE WOULD FIGURE OUT WHAT WE WERE GOING TO GET FOR LUNCH.
I USED TO WORK HERE. >> NOBODY CARES, MARLEY. >> OH, AND WE ALL HOOKED UP WITH
EACH OTHER. I MEAN, EVERYBODY. DIDN'T MATTER IF YOU HAD A GOOD
BODY, BAD BODY. AND THERE WAS NO GRAVITY SO THE GUYS WOULD HELP THE GUYS AND THE
GIRLS WOULD HELP THE GIRLS. >> I NEED THAT PLASMA ENGINE UP! >> OH, HE'S GOOD.
VERY GOOD. OUR CAPTAIN DRANK. >> HE DID NOT DRINK.
HE WAS JUST FUNNY. >> OKAY. HE FUNNIED HIMSELF TO DEATH.
>> WOW. WHO'S FLYING THIS THING? >> IMPACT, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE AT 30% POWER. >> DIVERT LIFE SUPPORT TO SHIELDS.
>> CAPTAIN, THAT IS NOT VIABLE. >> WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. >> CAPTAIN, THAT LAST HIT
DISABLED THE BIG DOORS. ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO OPEN THE TUBE MANUALLY.
>> BUT THAT'S A ONE-WAY MISSION. >> I'LL DO IT. >> WHAT?
BUT YOU'LL BE KILLED. >> WELL, THEY ALWAYS CALLED ME GNARLY MARLEY.
SOMEONE NEEDS SOMETHING FIXED, OH, CALL GNARLY MARLEY. PLUS, I'M THE ONLY ONE SMALL
ENOUGH TO FIT IN THE TUBE. >> I'M SMALLER THAN YOU ARE. >> SURE, JANUARY.
>> DON'T DO IT. I'LL GO. >> NO, NO, NO.
I'M ALREADY GETTING IN THE TUBE. BUT, SOUNDS LIKE YOU DID MISS ME JUST A LITTLE BIT, TODD.
OH, HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS THE FUNNEST PLACE YOU'LL EVER WORK. EVERY DAY YOU'LL SAY, I GOT TO
GET OUT OF HERE, BUT WHEN YOU LEAVE, YOU'LL MISS IT LIKE HELL. OKAY.
BYE, TODD. >> GOOD-BYE, MARLEY, AND THANKS FOR VISITING.
>> OH, SHUT UP. OKAY. HIT FIRE.
OH, HELL! I'M OKAY. I'M IN SPACE, BUT I'M FINE.
OH, HI. I'M MARLEY. I USED TO WORK THERE.
YEAH.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, ICE SPICE. >>> SNL, WHAT UP?
* MM STOP PLAYIN' WITH 'EM RIOT * * YEAH PRETTY GAL
ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * * AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL
I WILL TREAT YOU MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN
YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME *
* LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN GOT MY EYES WIDE *
* LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN SO OUTTA THIS WORLD
LIKE SCI-FI GRRAH * * LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN
LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE * * LOOKIN' AT YOU
GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN SO OUTTA THIS WORLD LIKE SCI-FI *
* I AM THE ONE THAT GOT LOTTA BANDS WHO YOU BECOMIN'
WELL THAT DEPENDS AH-HA * * JUMP IN THE AIR I PERFECT MY STANCE AH-HA
JUMP TO THE FLOOR I JUST WANNA DANCE MM * * YEAH YOU THE ONE
THERE'S NO NUMBER TWO IF I HAD THREE WISHES I'D WASTE 'EM ON YOU *
* WATCH WHAT YOU SAY GOT FACES ON ME NO WAIST IS ON ME
YEAH YEAH OH * * YEAH PRETTY GAL ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL *
* AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL I WILL TREAT YOU
MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX
AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * * YEAH PRETTY GAL
ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * * AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL
I WILL TREAT YOU MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN
YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME *
* GRRAH I AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE IN A MINUTE *
* DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BUT YOU GET IT UH-HUH BIG THREE WORDS OUT YA MOUTH
AND YOU MEANT IT * * YOU CAN GET IT PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT
BET IT MHM GRRAH * * IT'S OUR LIFE SO BABY LET'S LIVE IT
HATERS SUPER MAD WE GOT 'EM ALL LIVID GRRAH * * THINKIN' 'BOUT MY FUTURE
GOT YOU ALL IN IT LIKE SHOOTIN' FOR THE STARS THE SKY HAS NO LIMIT GRRAH *
* YEAH PRETTY GAL ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * * AS LONG
AS YOU TREAT ME WELL I WILL TREAT YOU MORE THAN GEM *
* ME NO SEND MY CHAIN YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE
YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * * YEAH PRETTY GAL ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL *
* AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL I WILL TREAT YOU
MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX
AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WOW, CHRIS. THIS WAS THE PERFECT WAY TO END THE SUMMER.
>> YEAH. IT'S JUST SO GREAT TO JUST KICK BACK WITH FRIENDS.
IT'S NICE TO GET A BREAK FROM RUNNING MY GRANDMA'S OLD BEAN FARM.
>> HOW'S THAT GOING BY THE WAY? >> I'M LEARNING AS I GO, BUT WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER LEFT ME THE
ARM IN HER WILL, I KNEW I HAD TO STEP UP. IT'S WHAT NANA WOULD HAVE
WANTED. >> THAT'S SO SWEET, CHRIS. >> THANKS, JENNY.
>> OKAY. ALL DONE. >> OH, RICK, AWESOME.
>> RICK, YOU LOOK SO CRAZY. >> OH, GOD, HOW DID YOU GUYS TALK ME INTO THIS?
>> OH, SICK. YOU GUYS BURIED RICK AND GAME HIM BOOBIES, DUDE.
>> THAT'S AWESOME. I'LL GET THE CAMERA FROM THE CAR.
WE HAVE TO GET A PICTURE OF THIS. >> OH, PLEASE, DON'T TAKE A
PICTURE. GUYS, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. >> HOLD ON A SEC, GUYS.
HELLO? WAIT, WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FARM?
A TORNADO? THE WHOLE FARM? GONE?
OH, MY GOD. YEAH. YEAH.
THANKS FOR CALLING. >> OH, MY GOD, CHRIS, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
>> UM, I GUESS A TORNADO HIT MY GRANDMA'S BEAN FARM, AND IT'S DESTROYED.
>> I'M SO SORRY. >> SO SORRY. >> DANG.
>> CHRIS, I AM SO SORRY THAT THAT HAPPENED TO YOU. >> THANKS.
THANKS, GUYS. >> NO. SERIOUSLY, NONE OF US CAN
UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MUST BE FEELING RIGHT NOW. THAT'S HORRIBLE, MAN, REALLY.
>> YEAH. THANKS, RICK. I'M JUST SAD IT'S GONE.
I WANTED TO MAKE MY GRANDMA PROUD. >> HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME.
SHE'S PROUD OF YOU, MAN. I KNOW IT. >> THANKS, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. I JUST THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT'S LEFT
OF THE PLACE. >> OH, YEAH. >> I AGREE WITH THAT.
>> ABSOLUTELY, DUDE. WE GOT TO GET TO THE FARM. AS SOON AS JENNY GETS BACK AND
TAKES THE PICTURE, WE'LL GO. GAH, DUDE. I'M SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO
YOU, MAN. >> OH, YEAH. I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
LIKE RIGHT NOW, I MEAN. >> DUDE, OF COURSE. COME ON, GUYS.
SERIOUSLY, IT'S TIME TO GO. ONCE JENNY GETS BACK AND TAKES THE PICTURE, WE'RE GETTING OUT
OF HERE. SUCKS, MAN. >> THANKS.
I'M SAYING I WANT TO GO RIGHT NOW. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TAKE THE
PICTURE. >> TOTALLY. CHRIS, CAN I SEE YOU DOWN HERE
FOR A SEC? >> YEAH. >> HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
>> REALLY BAD, DUDE. >> TOTALLY. I GET THAT.
IT'S JUST, HI TO SPEND ALL DAY GETTING BURIED, RIGHT? >> YEAH.
>> BECAUSE EVERYONE REALLY WANTED TO BURY ME. >> WELL, I DON'T THINK EVERYONE
WANTED TO BURY YOU. YOU WANTED TO GET BURIED, REMEMBER?
>> I THINK EVERYONE WANTED TO BURY ME, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
>> NO. YOU TOLD EVERYONE TO BURY YOU, AND WHEN NO ONE WANTED TO, YOU
GOT MAD. >> WELL, EVERYONE WANTED TO BURY ME.
>> NO, AND WHEN PEOPLE WANTED TO DO OTHER STUFF, YOU YELLED AT THEM.
>> I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. IT'S BEEN A TOUGH DAY FOR ALL OF US.
YOU LOST YOUR GRANDMA'S FARM. AND I LOST MY WHOLE BEACH DAY GETTING BURIED AND MIGHT NOT
EVEN GET A PICTURE. >> THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING, BRO.
>> LET'S SNAP THIS THING. >> LET'S DO IT! >> JENNY, I JUST FOUND OUT MY
GRANDMA'S BEAN FARM JUST GOT COMPLETELY SUCKED INTO THE SKY. >> CHRIS, I'M SO SORRY.
>> YEAH. JENNY, TODAY REALLY SHOWED ME THAT LIFE'S UNCERTAIN, YOU KNOW.
BUT I KNOW WHAT I WANT. >> I THINK I WANT THE SAME THING.
>> KISS HER! >> KISS! >> YEA!
>> I FEEL LIKE WE COULD HAVE TAKEN THE PICTURE B
SHORT NOTICE. I KNOW YOU HAVE A REALLY BUSY SCHEDULE, BUT ME THINKS I KNOW
WHY, CUTEST GEINO IN TOWN. >> IF ANYONE REPORTS INFLAMMATION FOR THAT LONG, I
GET CONCERNED. ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
WHOA! >> YES, DOCTOR? SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE?
>> NO, DUDE. IT'S JUST -- DID YOU -- DID YOU PUT MAKEUP ON IT?
>> WELL, NOT JUST ANY OLD MAKEUP, DOC. I USED GLAMGINA.
MAKEUP FOR YOUR OTHER FACE. >> NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T PUT MAKEUP DOWN THERE.
I'M SORRY. DID YOU GIVE IT A SMOKY EYE? >> I SURE DID.
CROUCHED OVER A MIRROR LIKE A FROG. >> THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT.
>> HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE. >> THANKS TO GLAMGINA, NOW MY
SNATCH LOOKS SNATCHED. >> THAT'S THE MAGIC OF GLAMGINA. >> WHERE ARE YOU GUYS COMING
FROM? >> THE PARKING LOT. >> LIP PLUMPING GLOSS.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE VAGINAL MIGRATION? MIGRATING WHERE?
>> MAYBE NOW I'LL BE ABLE TO SCORE A DATE WITH THAT CUTE DOCTOR.
>> I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. I'M MARRIED. >> SAYS THE GUY STARING AT HER
VAGINA. >> WHAT'S WRONG, DOC? IS IT MY HAIR DOWN THERE?
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A PRODUCT FOR THAT TOO. >> YEAH, I COULD TELL.
>> HOLD ON A MINUTE, LADIES. >> HOW DID YOU GET DOWN THERE? >> THE WINDOW.
SO YOU'RE PUTTING MAKEUP ON IT JUST TO SCORE A DATE WITH YOUR CUTE DOCTOR?
NOT TO BE A BITCH, BUT THAT'S NOT FEMINIST. >> HEY, I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR
ANYONE ELSE. I'M DOING IT FOR ME BECAUSE WHEN I TAKE A PICTURE OF IT WITH THE
FLASH ON, I WANT SOMETHING THAT I WOULD BE PROUD TO SHOW MY FAMILY.
>> ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE YOU AN
ANTIBIOTIC SHOT. >> HI! >> HEY, JANESSA!
>> I HAVE TO KNOW, IS GLAMGINA HARD TO WASH OFF? >> NOT AT ALL.
JUST SPRAY SOME WINDEX ON IT AND GO TO TOWN. >> DO NOT PUT WINDEX ON IT!
IT'S NOT A GLASS COFFEE TABLE, GEEZ. >> I DON'T KNOW.
IT CHECKS OUT TO ME. I USE MAKEUP ON MY FACE. WHY NOT USE MAKEUP ON MY CHOO
CHOO? ALMOST THE SAME AMOUNT OF PEOPLE SEE IT.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. >> TOTALLY. >> I GOT A QUESTION.
>> WHAT? >> YOU KNOW, MY WIFE AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT TRYING SOMETHING
NEW, SO I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO ASK IS, DO IT WORK ON BOOTY HOLES?
** >>> HEY. BUY YOU A DRINK?
>> EXCUSE ME? >> NAME'S TOMMY. WORK AT THE FACTORY DOWN THE
ROAD. WELL, USED TO. UNTIL I MADE IT BIG.
BUY YOU A DRINK? >> I'M GOOD. >> YEAH, ME TOO.
I'M BETTER THAN GOOD. USED TO MAKE 30 K A YEAR MAX AT THE FACTORY.
NOW, YOU CAN ADD ANOTHER 0 IN FRONT OF THAT. >> IN FRONT?
>> BARTENDER, I'LL HAVE A CORP. SURVIVOR NUMBER TWO. DO YOU HAVE 50-YEAR-OLD GIN?
>> WE DO NOT. >> DO YOU HAVE ROW CUE JAPANESE CRAFT GIN.
>> I THINK YOU KNOW WE DON'T. >> WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE SOME GIN AND TEQUILA WITH A SPLASH OF
BETHANY ROSE. SAME FOR MY MAN HERE. >> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> IF HE DOESN'T DRINK HIS, I WILL. I'M NOT DRIVING.
>> YOU'RE NOT? THIS BAR IS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
>> I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. >> YOU MADE THREE FIGURES AT THE FACTORY?
THAT'S LIKE $100. >> MAX. NOW, I'M PULLING IN FIVE, SIX,
MAYBE SEVEN FIGURES, AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS SELL PICTURES OF MY FEET ONLINE.
CRAZY, RIGHT? >> I'M SORRY. WHAT?
>> THOUGHT I WOULD WORK AT THAT FACTORY UNTIL THE DAY I DIED JUST LIKE MY OLD MAN.
EATING LEFTOVER FOOD OUT OF THE TRASH. NOW ALL I GOT TO DO IS UPLOAD A
COUPLE HUNDRED PICTURES OF FEET A DAY. >> HEY, BUY YOU A DRUNK?
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? >> NAME'S SHIP. USED TO WORK AT THE FACTORY UP
THE ROAD. I WAS A SLAVE TO THE MAN, AND NOW I AM THE MAN.
I ADDED TWO 0s TO THE FRONT OF MY SALARY, AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS UPLOAD 5 OR 600 FOOT PICS AN
HOUR. BARTENDER -- >> HOW WOULD WE HAVE THAT?
I'LL JUST TAKE A JASON DERULA VODKA. MAKE IT SIX.
I'M NOT DRIVING. >> NEITHER OF YOU IS DRIVING? THIS IS A ROAD HOUSE BAR.
THE NEAREST TOWN IS 15 MILES A WAY. >> I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I WAS PULLING IN EIGHT OR NINE FIGURES A YEAR AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS SHOW
PICTURES OF MY FEET ONLINE. >> I WOULD SAY THAT WAS FAKE AND INSANE.
>> WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOU COULD LITERALLY QUADRUPLE YOUR SALARY AND ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LET US
TAKE ONE TO 2,000 PICTURES OF YOUR FEET AND MAYBE YOUR GENITALS.
>> I'M SORRY. DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER? >> SOMEWHAT.
I'M HIS DAD. >> AND I'VE AT TIMES BEEN HIS SON.
>> THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR OLD MAN DIED AT THE FACTORY. >> I WAS BASICALLY DEAD PULLING
IN TWO, THREE FIGURES MAX. >> TWO FIGURES IS $10. >> MAX.
NOW I MAKE TWO FIGURES PER FOOT, AND I'M NOT A SLAVE TO THE MAN. SPENDING SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AT
THE FACTORY EATING LEFTOVER FOOD OUT OF THE TRASH. >> WHY DID THE FACTORY HAVE
LEFTOVER FOOD? >> IT WAS A CHEESECAKE FACTORY. THEY TESTED NEW RECIPES ON US,
AND IF WE GOT SICK, THEY MOVED IT TO THE BACK OF THE MENU. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?
THE MANAGER THAT SPIT IN MY FACE AND SAID STOP EATING OUR TRASH? OR THE GUY THAT MAKES 11 MILLION
A YEAR POSTING PICTURES OF HIS FEET, BALLS, AND BUTT HOLE. >> OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS HORRIBLE. >> IS IT HARD TO MAKE 12 TO 15 FINGERS A WEEK?
>> FINGERS? >> COME ON. WE GOT A RING LIGHT SET UP IN
THE BATHROOM. LET A FATHER AND HIS ESTRANGED SON BUY YOU SOME CHANNING TATUM
WHISKEY. >> AND THEN TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND UNDERWEAR AND LET US FILM
YOUR NUDE UNDERCARRIAGE FOR THE NEXT 8 TO 12 HOURS MAX. >> IF I CAN MAKE 15 FINGERS A
WEEK, I'M IN. LET'S SWING BY THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FIRST.
>>> OH, HEY. MANY THANKS TO ICE SPICE, REMA, TAYLOR SWIFT, AND TRAVIS KELCE.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HI, MOM.
HIGH CASE. THANK YOU.