1 00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:07,674 >>> THIS WEEK, WE SAW THE HORRIBLE IMAGES AND STORIES FROM 2 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:15,382 ISRAEL AND GAZA, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHO BETTER TO COMMENT ON IT THAN PETE 3 00:00:15,382 --> 00:00:19,152 DAVIDSON. WELL, IN A LOT OF WAYS, I AM A GOOD PERSON TO TALK ABOUT IT 4 00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:25,091 BECAUSE WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, MY DAD WAS KILLED IN A TERRORIST ATTACK. 5 00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:29,629 SO I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT THAT'S LIKE. I SAW SO MANY TERRIBLE PICTURES 6 00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:37,637 THIS WEEK OF CHILDREN SUFFERING, ISRAELI CHILDREN AND PALESTINIAN CHILDREN, AND IT TOOK ME BACK TO 7 00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:44,411 A REALLY HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PLACE, AND NO ONE IN THIS WORLD DESERVES TO SUFFER LIKE THAT, 8 00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:52,485 ESPECIALLY NOT KIDS. AFTER MY DAD DIED, MY MOM TRIED PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING SHE COULD 9 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:59,793 DO TO CHEER ME UP. I REMEMBER ONE DAY WHEN I WAS 8, SHE GOT ME WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS 10 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:07,167 A DISNEY MOVIE, BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY THE EDDIE MURPHY STANDUP SPECIAL DELIRIOUS. 11 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:13,740 WE PLAYED IT IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME, AND WHEN SHE HEARD THE THINGS EDDIE MURPHY WAS SAYING, 12 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:19,079 SHE TRIED TO TAKE IT AWAY. BUT THEN SHE NOTICED SOMETHING, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG 13 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:25,385 TIME, I WAS LAUGHING AGAIN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I REALLY DON'T, AND I NEVER 14 00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:30,657 WILL, BUT SOMETIMES COMEDY IS REALLY THE ONLY WAY FORWARD THROUGH TRAGEDY. 15 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:34,094 MY HEART IS WITH EVERYONE WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN DESTROYED THIS WEEK. 16 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:38,732 BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY, AND THAT'S TRY 17 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:47,674 TO BE FUNNY. REMEMBER, I SAID TRY. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 18 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,409 REMEMBER, I SAID TRY. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT. 19 00:01:59,619 --> 00:03:12,959 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 20 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:14,461 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- FEATURING -- 21 00:03:55,335 --> 00:04:18,324 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PETE DAVIDSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 22 00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:21,227 >>> THANK YOU. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK. ALL RIGHT. 23 00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:27,801 ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO GET RIGHT INTO IT. I AM TRYING TO BOND WITH MY 24 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:33,740 SISTER. YOU KNOW, I'M ABOUT TO BE 30. I'M TURNING 30 NEXT MONTH. 25 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:41,348 IT'S OVER. YOU KNOW, IT'S OVER. TRYING TO BOND WITH MY SISTER. 26 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:46,219 I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP. ME AND MY SISTER HAVE NOTHING IN 27 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:50,357 COMMON. SHE ASSISTS BRAIN SURGERY, AND I'M A DRUG ADDICT. 28 00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:53,827 SO NOTHING. SO I WAS TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING WE COULD DO SO WE 29 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:58,998 COULD BOND, AND I WAS LIKE, WE SHOULD WATCH A TV SHOW. THAT'S EASY. 30 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:05,505 YOU DON'T GOT TO DO ANYTHING. YOU JUST SIT THERE. EVERY FIVE MINUTES YOU'RE LIKE, 31 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:11,111 EH, OH. I WAS LIKE, WE'LL DO THIS. ME AND MY SISTER BOTH NEVER SAW 32 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:15,715 "GAME OF THRONES," RIGHT? I KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW. 33 00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:21,421 IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW IN THE WORLD. I HAD NO IDEA HOW SICK EVERYONE 34 00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:25,191 IS. I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE DRAGONS AND STUFF, AND MAGIC. 35 00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:30,930 HARDLY ANY DRAGONS. LOTS OF INCEST, TONS OF INCEST. SO MUCH INCEST. 36 00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:37,203 YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE, COME BACK, INCEST STILL HAPPENING. IT'S A VERY WEIRD SHOW TO WATCH 37 00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:43,243 WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND COMMON GROUND WITH YOUR SISTER. I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING 38 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:49,149 THIS, GUYS. I WAS WATCHING, AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS SO WEIRD, YOU KNOW. 39 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:56,089 WONDER HOW SHE FEELS, YOU KNOW. SO I PUT OUT A FEELER. I WAS LIKE, HEY, THIS IS PRETTY 40 00:05:56,089 --> 00:06:07,233 WEIRD, HUH? AND SHE WAS LIKE, I LOVE IT! I WAS LIKE, YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, 41 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:15,508 THE INCEST, YOU KNOW. IT'S LIKE A NO-GO, RIGHT? SHE WAS -- SHE WAS LIKE, WELL, 42 00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:24,117 IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME. [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS LIKE, AM I ABOUT TO BANG 43 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:29,856 THIS CHICK? WHAT'S GOING ON. [ LAUGHTER ] 44 00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:35,495 I PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET HER. I'M TOO INSECURE. I'M VERY INSECURE, YOU GUYS. 45 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:43,069 I THINK IT'S BECAUSE THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH USED TO CALL ME A PUSSY, AND I WASN'T 46 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:50,443 EVEN ON THE TEAM. JUST FIND ME IN CLASS, PUSSY. I'M A -- YOU GUYS, I'M FROM 47 00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:53,813 STATEN ISLAND, SO THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO ME. I GREW UP RIGHT AROUND HERE. 48 00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:59,753 IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT STATEN ISLAND IS, IT'S THE ONLY ISLAND IN THE WORLD WITH A WORSE 49 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:05,058 REPUTATION THAN EPSTEIN'S SOMEHOW. BUT IN STATEN ISLAND, THE KIDS 50 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,028 MOLEST THE PRIESTS. EVERYTHING'S BACKWARDS DOWN THERE. 51 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:15,602 [ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME -- AND BY THAT, I MEAN TWO -- 52 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:21,041 IS THIS WHAT I WANTED TO DO WHEN I GREW UP, AND NO, I AM FROM STATEN ISLAND. 53 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:24,377 MY DREAM WAS TO BE A CONSTRUCTION WORKER. IT WAS. 54 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:30,316 HOPEFULLY WORK FOR A CONSTRUCTION COMPANY FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS, AND IF I'M LUCKY, 55 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:38,458 FALL OFF A LADDER. SUE THE CITY FOR 6 MIL, SETTLE FOR 3. 56 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:45,265 MARRY A CHICK I HAD A CRUSH ON IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT I'M NOT REALLY INTO ANYMORE, BUT NO ONE 57 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,401 ELSE CAN HAVE HER. THAT WAS MY DREAM. I REMEMBER THE FIRST NIGHT I 58 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:54,641 WENT TO DO A STANDUP STORY. I LOVE THIS STORY. IT'S LIKE MY ORIGIN STORY. 59 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:59,079 I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS GIRL IN MY CAR. BECAUSE IN STATEN ISLAND, IT'S 60 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:04,718 LIKE A CONDO. SO WE WERE IN MY TWO-BEDROOM CHEROKEE -- WITH A VIEW. 61 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:10,757 THIS GIRL WAS AWESOME. SHE WAS JUST A SEX FRIEND. IT WAS HER IDEA. 62 00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:15,128 SHE WAS AWESOME. THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE, YOU KNOW. 63 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:20,033 THE GOOD OLE BROADS. I REMEMBER IT WAS ACTUALLY THE FIRST NIGHT I EVER HAD A STANDUP 64 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:24,637 SHOW, BUT I FORGOT BECAUSE I WAS HAVING SEX, RIGHT, AND I ACTUALLY DIDN'T REALIZE UNTIL 65 00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:32,045 AFTER I FINISHED. LIKE IMMEDIATELY AFTER. I WAS LIKE, AH -- AHH, I'M LATE! 66 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:36,649 AND EARLY, RELAX. AND I WAS SO NERVOUS TO TELL THIS GIRL. 67 00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:40,053 THAT'S SO RUDE. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LIKE, WELL, BYE. 68 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:47,327 BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET PIZZA AFTER. THAT'S MY GUARANTEE. 69 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:53,466 GET A SLICE. SO I -- I WAS SO NERVOUS TO TELL HER. 70 00:08:53,466 --> 00:09:00,073 I WAS LIKE, I'M SO SORRY, I FORGOT I HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT IN THE CITY. 71 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:05,078 CAN WE GET PIZZA TOMORROW. SHE WAS LIKE, OF COURSE. YOU'RE TRYING TO DO STANDUP? 72 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,447 THAT'S AMAZING. GO FOR IT. THAT'S SO COOL. 73 00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:12,786 I WAS LIKE, WOW, THANKS. THEN SHE SAID SOMETHING, YOU GUYS, THAT I'LL NEVER FORGET. 74 00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:18,024 I STILL THINK ABOUT IT TODAY. SHE SAID THE COOLEST THING ANYBODY'S EVER SAID TO ME. 75 00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:23,830 SHE'S PUTTING ON HER SHIRT, AND SHE GOES, HEY, MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL BE WATCHING TV WITH MY 76 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:28,868 HUSBAND, AND YOU'LL POP ON. [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH. 77 00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:35,542 AND THEN I'LL TURN TO MY HUSBAND, AND I'LL GO, HEY, I BANGED THAT GUY. 78 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:41,081 AND I REMEMBER, I WAS LIKE, WHAT DID YOU READ MY DIARY? WHO SAYS THAT. 79 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:46,886 THAT WAS SO COOL. WHO SAYS THAT. I REMEMBER BEING ALL HYPED UP 80 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:51,524 DRIVING TO THE CITY LIKE I'M GOING TO BE A COMEDIAN. AND I THINK ABOUT THAT BECAUSE 81 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:55,161 IT'S VERY SPECIAL. SHE KIND OF PREDICTED THE FUTURE. 82 00:09:55,161 --> 00:10:00,734 I DID GET ON TV. THAT'S VERY COOL. SHE TRAGICALLY DIED OF AN 83 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:04,738 OVERDOSE TWO YEARS LATER. YES, THAT'S VERY SAD. SHE WAS ONE FOR TWO. 84 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:10,043 AND I FOUND OUT -- THIS IS MESSED UP. I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING TV WITH 85 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:15,815 MY GIRLFRIEND, AND SHE POPPED ON. [ LAUGHTER ] 86 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:22,856 AND THEN I TURNED TO MY GIRLFRIEND, AND I WENT, HEY, I BANGED THAT GIRL. 87 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:28,862 WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! ICE SPICE IS HERE, SO STICK 88 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:29,829 TONIGHT! ICE SPICE IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND. 89 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:30,697 RIGHT BACK 90 00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:44,310 >>> WELCOME TO FOX NFL SUNDAY. WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME COMING UP 91 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:50,483 BETWEEN THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES WHO LEAD THE NFC EAST AND THE NEW YORK JETS, WHO WERE CURSED 92 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:55,121 BY A WARLOCK A THOUSAND YEARS AGO, AND THEY CAN NEVER EXPERIENCE JOY. 93 00:10:55,121 --> 00:11:04,364 JOINING ME TODAY ARE OUR ANALYSTS, HOWIE LONG, COACH JIMMY JOHNSON, HALL OF FAMER, 94 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:13,707 MICHAEL STRAHAN, AND FOR ECONOMIC RELIEF, TERRY BRADSHAW. >> THEY SHAVED ONE OF THE GUYS 95 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,743 FROM "DUCK DYNASTY," AND HERE I AM. >> ALL RIGHT. 96 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:22,449 IT'S WEEK SEVEN, AND IF ANY TAYLOR SWIFT FANS ARE WATCHING, THE CHIEFS GAME WAS ON THURSDAY. 97 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:26,519 YOU JUST MISSED HER. >> YEAH. LISTEN, SORRY, SWIFTIES, THIS IS 98 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:31,558 A SHOW ABOUT FOOTBALL. IT'S A SPORT. ASK YOUR DAD. 99 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:34,961 >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET INTO THE GAME AND STOP 100 00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:40,333 YAPPING ABOUT TAYLOR AND HER LITTLE BOYFRIEND. >> WHOA. 101 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,802 >> WHOA. >> BOYFRIEND? HOLD ON THERE. 102 00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:45,638 NO ONE SAID BOYFRIEND. LET'S NO JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS HERE. 103 00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:48,808 >> YEAH, YEAH. THEY'RE HANGING OUT. THEY'RE TAKING THEIR TIME, AND I 104 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:54,748 THINK THAT'S GREAT. >> JIMMY, I REALLY HAVE TO DISAGREE. 105 00:11:54,748 --> 00:12:03,189 SHE'S IN THE LUXURY BOX HANGING WITH MAMA KELSEY KNOCKING BACK COCKTAILS WITH DEADPOOL, FOLKS, 106 00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:07,193 THEY'RE OFFICIAL. >> HEY, I'M JUST GLAD IT'S NOT MATTY HEALY. 107 00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:14,701 >> OH, DON'T SAY THAT NAME, NO. >> HEY, LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY WHATEVER IT IS, I WANT TO SAY TO 108 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:20,907 TRAVIS KELCE, FROM ONE SUPER BOWL CHAMPION TO ANOTHER, THIS IS A WAY BIGGER DEAL THAN THE 109 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:24,711 SUPER BOWL. YOU CANNOT MESS THIS UP. THIS IS VERY DELICATE. 110 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:29,382 >> IT'S SO EARLY. YOU'RE TREATING IT LIKE IT'S JOE ALL OVER AGAIN. 111 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:34,187 THAT WON'T END WELL. DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO KARMA? >> WHAT? 112 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,757 KARMA'S NOT ABOUT JOE. ARE YOU INSANE? NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT 113 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,794 JOE. >> IT WAS A FORMATIVE RELATIONSHIP. 114 00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:44,264 >> WE DIDN'T SAY IT WASN'T! >> ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH. 115 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:49,736 LET'S GET TO THE GAME. THE EAGLES ARE HEAVILY FAVORED, BUT THE JETS HAVE SOME DEFENSIVE 116 00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:53,873 SCHEMES THAT MIGHT SLOW THEM DOWN. LET'S GO TO OUR NEWEST NFL 117 00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:58,978 SIDELINE REPORTER, KENNY DiTULLIO, WHO'S AT MET LIFE STADIUM. 118 00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:03,049 KENNY, WHAT'S THE MOOD DOWN THERE? >> DEVASTATED, CURT. 119 00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:07,387 TAYLOR IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. >> YOU TOO? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT TAYLOR 120 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:13,193 SWIFT WOULD BE AT A JETS/EAGLES GAME? >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY? 121 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:18,698 BECAUSE THERE WAS A RUMOR ONLINE SHE WAS COMING TO CHEER ON TRAVIS KELCE'S BROTHER JASON WHO 122 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:29,743 PLAYS FOR THE EAGLES, DUH. SO FAR, NO SIGN OF BLONDIE. WONDERING WHY I'M EVEN HERE. 123 00:13:29,743 --> 00:13:34,414 >> BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR JOB. WHAT'S GOING ON IN TONIGHT'S MATCHUP? 124 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:40,987 >> THERE'S A LOT GOING ON HERE. LOOK AT TAYLOR'S EYES. LOOK AT THE THUMBS UP. 125 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:46,159 IT'S A LOVE STORY, BABY JUST SEA -- YEAH! >> WELL, THANK YOU, KENNY. 126 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:51,431 YOU HAVE BEEN THE OPPOSITE OF HELPFUL. MAN, I CANNOT BELIEVE OUR 127 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:56,703 SIDELINE REPORTER IS THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TAYLOR SWIFT FAN. >> HOLD ON NOW. 128 00:13:56,703 --> 00:14:02,142 I WAS ONLINE FOR THE PAST 48 HOURS GETTING THESE ERAS MOVIES TICKETS. 129 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:06,046 IT'S GOT TO BE ME. >> COME ON. EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M THE BIGGEST 130 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:10,684 SWIFTY HERE. >> YOU? YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON SWIFT TOK. 131 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:14,888 >> HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN TAYLOR LIVE? >> WHO ME? 132 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:18,591 I DON'T KNOW. HAVE I? MET LIFE STADIUM, NIGHT ONE AND 133 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:21,261 NIGHT THREE. >> GUESS WHAT? PHILADELPHIA, NIGHT TWO. 134 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:26,633 >> NO WAY! WHAT WERE YOUR SECRET SONGS? >> FOREVER AND ALWAYS, AND THIS 135 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:30,837 LOVE. >> YOU GOT THIS LOVE? OH, MY GOD. 136 00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:40,380 I AM NOT OKAY. >> KNOCK IT OFF. PEOPLE TUNED IN FOR FOOTBALL, 137 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,683 OKAY? LET'S TAKE A BREAK. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL GET 138 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:49,856 INTO THIS HEATED EAST COAST RIVALRY. THESE TWO TEAMS, THEY GOT A LOT 139 00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:54,828 OF BAD BLOOD. >>. * BECAUSE WE USED TO HAVE BAD 140 00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:59,099 LOVE, BUT BABY NOW WE GOT BAD BLOOD * >> OKAY. 141 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:02,769 I'M DONE. WHEN WE GET BACK, WE ARE GOING TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE WHO 142 00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:07,040 ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK FOOTBALL. >> YES, PLEASE. 143 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,459 >>> WHAT IS PETE EVEN GOING TO DO? >> I HAVE NO IDEA. 144 00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:32,766 HE ONLY HAS LIKE ONE CHARACTER. >> WHY IS HE HOSTING AGAIN? HE JUST LEFT, AND IT'S NOT LIKE 145 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:42,142 HIS SHOW WAS A HIT. >> LIKE HOW YOU GET JOE PESCI AND EDIE FALCO, AND NO VIEWERS? 146 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:48,581 * NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE WORK I DO * * I MADE A SHOW WITH JOE PESCI, 147 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:56,222 TOO, AND NO ONE STREAMED IT BUT MY MOM * * WHEN I'M HIGH, I DO THINGS 148 00:15:56,222 --> 00:16:07,801 LIKE CALL UP COLIN JOST AND SAY, HOMEY, WE SHOULD BUY A BOAT * * THEY TELL ME I HAVE BUTHOLE 149 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:15,475 EYES, YET I NEVER SLEEP ALONE AT NIGHT * * 'CUZ I'M JUST PETE, ANYONE 150 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:21,648 ELSE, I WOULD BE A THREE, BUT I GUESS I'M HOT FOR DUDES IN COMEDY * 151 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:30,890 * 'CUZ IT'S AN UGLY INDUSTRY * * I'M JUST PETE, LOOKING LIKE A METH HEAD ON THE STREET, PEOPLE 152 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:39,265 ONLINE STILL CALL ME SKEET * * BECAUSE OF A GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN'T SAY LEGALLY * 153 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:49,809 * PETES, ASSEMBLE * >> BLACK PETE. IT'S JUST BLACK PETE, THEN? 154 00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:57,584 ALL RIGHT. ** * I'M 6'4" AND 100 POUNDS, BUT I 155 00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:08,595 GOT POWER * * DO YOU THINK IT'S HOT THAT I -- WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER * 156 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:13,800 * AND OUT OF THE BLUE, LIKE THREE TIMES A YEAR WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT * 157 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:27,647 * I GO TO REHAB * ** * CAN YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY, 158 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:39,059 ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY * * THAT FAMOUS BD -- ENERGY * * CAN YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY, 159 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:50,070 ENERGY, ENERGY, ENERGY * * THAT PETE BIPOLAR ENERGY * ** 160 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:59,612 * I'M JUST PETE, MY DATING LIFE IS NOT DISCRETE * * I GENERATE TONS OF PUBLICITY 161 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:07,354 FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY COMEDY * * I'M JUST PETE, AND I LIKE 162 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:13,460 JUGS, I'M MENTALLY ILL AND I'M ON DRUGS * * BUT, HEY, I'M STILL IN SUPER 163 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:21,434 BOWL COMMERCIALS * * MY NAME'S PETE, AND SO IS MINE, I DELETED ALL MY ACCOUNTS 164 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:33,947 ONLINE * * 'CUZ THE DOCTOR SAID THE INTERNET WASN'T GOOD FOR ME * 165 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:42,255 * MAYBE I'M PETE * >> ARE YOU READY, PETE? >> SURE AM, BARBIE. 166 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:45,525 >> ARE YOU READY, PETE? >> SURE AM, BARBIE. AW, NOT AGAIN 167 00:18:56,603 --> 00:19:05,612 OF MARVEL'S NEW DISNEY+ SHOW, STARK LABS, AND WE'RE GOING TO DO THE WIRED AUTOCOMPLETE 168 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:12,585 INTERVIEW. YEAH. WE GOT TO PRACTICE THAT. 169 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:18,558 >> SO THIS IS LIKE THE MOST POPULAR INTERNET SEARCHES ON US? >> UH-OH. 170 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:24,831 >> SHUT UP, SEAN. OKAY. IS CARISSA JOHNSON RELATED TO 171 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:29,202 JACK JOHNSON? BITCH, DO IT LOOK LIKE I'M RELATED TO JACK JOHNSON? 172 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:34,541 >> ALL RIGHT. MY TURN. IS DEENA SULLIVAN SINGLE? 173 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:39,045 UM, I'M GOING TO PLEAD THE FIFTH. >> COME ON. 174 00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:41,214 BORING. OKAY. IT'S MY TURN, Y'ALL. 175 00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:49,723 IS ZACK ELLIOTT THE GUY WHO LOST FULL CONTROL OF HIS BOWLS ON THAT DELTA FLIGHT AND THE PLANE 176 00:19:49,723 --> 00:19:57,263 HAD TO TURN AROUND? WHAT? INTERNET'S CRAZY, MAN. 177 00:19:57,263 --> 00:20:01,001 I PASS, MAN. >> ALL RIGHT. VERY COOL. 178 00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:03,470 ALL RIGHT. OKAY. MY TURN. 179 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:10,243 ALL RIGHT. IS SEAN McEVANS A MILLIONAIRE? A LADY NEVER TELLS. 180 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:16,616 BUT, YES. >> SEAN, GROSS, DUDE. ALL RIGHT. 181 00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:26,393 MY TURN. IS TERRANCE ESCOBEDO SHORTER THAN DEENA SULLIVAN? 182 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:30,597 YOU TELL ME. >> OH, MAN, THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING. 183 00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:36,069 ALL RIGHT. MY TURN AGAIN. ZACK ELLIOTT, DIARRHEA SMELLS SO 184 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:43,243 BAD ON DELTA FLIGHT THAT OXYGEN MASKS CAME DOWN. DUDE, I MEAN, COME ON, MAN. 185 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:48,248 THERE'S SO MANY MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO GOOGLE ABOUT ME THAN THIS DUMB DELTA THING. 186 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:52,419 I COLLECT SNEAKERS, AND I'M RIGHT-HANDED. >> OH, NICE. 187 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,487 THAT'S AWESOME. >> YEAH. RIGHT-HANDED. 188 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,756 >> VERY COOL. VERY COOL. ALL RIGHT. 189 00:20:56,756 --> 00:21:02,162 MY TURN. DOES SEAN McEVANS HAVE TATTOOS? YES, I HAVE ONE. 190 00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:06,633 IT'S THE WORD OPEN-MINDED ACROSS MY ENTIRE CHEST. >> SEE. 191 00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:10,870 THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. I MEAN, LIKE MAYBE I HAVE TATTOOS TOO. 192 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:13,907 >> ALL RIGHT. THEN GO, ZACK. >> ALL RIGHT. 193 00:21:13,907 --> 00:21:19,446 THANKS. WHY DID ZACK ELLIOTT GO TO THE BATHROOM IN HIS SEAT INSTEAD OF 194 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:26,086 USING THE AIRPLANE TOILET? THIS AGAIN? I MEAN, BRO, THE SEAT BELT SIGN 195 00:21:26,086 --> 00:21:30,690 WAS ON. I MEAN, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, BREAK THE LAW? 196 00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:34,828 WHATEVER, MAN. SOMEONE ELSE GO. >> OKAY. 197 00:21:34,828 --> 00:21:42,736 HAS DEENA SULLIVAN HEARD BLACK BOX RECORDING OF PILOT ON ZACK ELLIOTT DELTA FLIGHT? 198 00:21:42,736 --> 00:21:48,842 NO, I HAVEN'T. CAN WE PLAY IT? >> DON'T PLAY IT, PLEASE. 199 00:21:48,842 --> 00:21:55,348 >> THIS IS DELTA 194 REQUESTING RETURN TO AIRPORT. >> COPY DELTA 194. 200 00:21:55,348 --> 00:22:02,055 IS THERE A MECHANICAL ERROR? >> NEGATIVE. THAT ZACK ELLIOTT GUY JUST 201 00:22:02,055 --> 00:22:05,058 [ BLEEP ] ALL OVER HIMSELF IN THE I'LL. I'M SORRY. 202 00:22:05,058 --> 00:22:08,828 >> OH, DUDE, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT. THAT'S AWESOME. 203 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:15,335 >> WHY IS EVERYONE SO OBSESSED WITH THIS DELTA THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE WHO ATE SIX 204 00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:21,641 ANNIE ANN'S MEAT AND BEANS PRETZELS RIGHT BEFORE BOARDING. DID YOU KNOW I STARTED A 205 00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:24,411 CHILDREN'S CHARITY? NOTHING ABOUT THAT. WHATEVER. 206 00:22:24,411 --> 00:22:27,947 I GUESS HELPING SICK KIDS DOESN'T GET CLICKS. >> ALL RIGHT. 207 00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:33,219 I'LL JUST GO. DOES SEAN McEVANS VOLUNTEER WITH ZACK ELLIOTT'S CHARITY. 208 00:22:33,219 --> 00:22:36,389 HEY, THERE YOU GO, ZACK. >> FINALLY. >> OH, WAIT. 209 00:22:36,389 --> 00:22:42,162 I THINK IT CONTINUES ON THE BACK ACTUALLY. CHARITY THAT HE STARTED TO HELP 210 00:22:42,162 --> 00:22:48,301 KIDS ON THE DELTA FLIGHT AFFLICTED WITH DIARRHEA LUNG. >> EWW. 211 00:22:48,301 --> 00:22:55,709 >> EWW. >> HER GRANDMA WAS A NAZI. >> JUST DURING THE WAR. 212 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:11,057 ENOUGH FOR TAKING MY CASE. >> WELL, HERE AT THE LAW OFFICE OF SCHWARTZ AND ALEXANDER, 213 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:14,394 THAT'S WHAT WE DO. PLUS, I KNOW YOUR FATHER. >> WISH I DID. 214 00:23:14,394 --> 00:23:21,101 >> IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, THIS IS MY SECRETARY, TRUDY. >> HIYA, BOYS. 215 00:23:21,101 --> 00:23:25,839 HAPPY FRIDAY. >> COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME A -- >> BOURBON ON THE ROCKS? 216 00:23:25,839 --> 00:23:30,910 WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BOSS. >> I LIKE YOUR STYLE. DO YOU HAVE MY -- 217 00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:35,982 >> SCHEDULE FOR THE DAY, ON YOUR DESK. >> AND COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME 218 00:23:35,982 --> 00:23:41,087 A COPY OF -- >> MR. CUTCHIN'S CASE FILE? TRY 100. 219 00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:45,425 BY THE WAY, WE'RE OUT OF PAPER. >> TRUDY, YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF. 220 00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:49,529 >> WELL, A GOOD SECRETARY DOESN'T REACT. SHE ANTICIPATE. 221 00:23:49,529 --> 00:23:54,968 >> THAT WAS THE PROBLEM WITH THE LAST GIRL AT MY DESK. THAT PLUS SHE GOT SO FAT, A BABY 222 00:23:54,968 --> 00:24:00,373 CAME OUT. >> I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. >> ANYWAY, MR. CUTCHIN, PLEASE, 223 00:24:00,373 --> 00:24:04,044 JOIN ME IN MY OFFICE. >> WAIT. YOUR SUIT. 224 00:24:04,044 --> 00:24:11,618 WELL, WELL, WELL. HOW DID I KNOW YOU WOULD GET A LITTLE DIJON ON YOUR NECKTIE? 225 00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:15,055 >> THAT'S NOT A STAIN, IT'S A PATTERN. BUT THANKS. 226 00:24:15,055 --> 00:24:19,059 >> WELL, IT FILLED ME UP. BYE, BOYS. >> MORNING, TRUDY. 227 00:24:19,059 --> 00:24:24,798 I HAVE A PACKAGE HERE FOR -- >> LET ME GUESS, MY BOSS, MR. ROBERTS. 228 00:24:24,798 --> 00:24:26,866 >> THAT IS CORRECT. IT'S THE EVIDENCE FILED FOR THE TURNER -- 229 00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:28,702 >> LET ME GUESS. CASE. >> YES. 230 00:24:28,702 --> 00:24:33,606 AND TRUDY, MAKE SURE TO RESTOCK THE BATHROOM. WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON TOILET -- 231 00:24:33,606 --> 00:24:38,244 >> PAPER. >> IT'S NOT IMPRESSIVE TO GUESS WHEN THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS. 232 00:24:38,244 --> 00:24:43,516 BEFORE I GET OUT OF HERE, I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEW ASSOCIATE, JIM. 233 00:24:43,516 --> 00:24:51,224 >> NICE TO MEET YOU. >> I'M PICKING UP ON AN ACCENT. LET ME GUESS. 234 00:24:51,224 --> 00:24:54,327 GEORGIA? >> NO. >> BOSTON. 235 00:24:54,327 --> 00:24:57,163 >> NO. >> GEORGIA. >> I'M DONE MEETING HER. 236 00:24:57,163 --> 00:25:06,906 >> BYE. >> CALL ME ALANA. >> TRUDY, COULD YOU PLEASE CALL 237 00:25:06,906 --> 00:25:11,244 DOWNSTAIRS AND ORDER ALANA A -- >> WHORE? >> NO. 238 00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:14,247 HE WANTS A CAR. >> YOU WANT TO DO THAT WITH A CAR? 239 00:25:14,247 --> 00:25:19,719 WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. SANTOS, GET ME YOUR SEXIEST DODGE CADILLAC, AND THROW A 240 00:25:19,719 --> 00:25:29,562 TOWEL IN THE BACKSEAT. ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A 4:00 DATE WITH A CAR. 241 00:25:29,562 --> 00:25:35,935 >> TRUDY, I JUST NEED YOU TO -- >> SIT HERE AND LOOK PRETTY? NOW, THAT, I CAN DO. 242 00:25:35,935 --> 00:25:43,843 >> OH, MY GOD. SHE JUST FELL THROUGH HER DESK. >> AND SOMEHOW HER TOP JUST FLEW 243 00:25:43,843 --> 00:25:52,719 OFF. TRUDY. >> THAT'S ALL TRUE, BOSS. 244 00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:58,758 >> ARE YOU OKAY, TRUDY? DO YOU NEED ANYTHING? >> I GUESS I JUST NEED -- 245 00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:07,667 >> A BOSS WHO'S ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU, SEEING YOU, APPRECIATING YOU, DESPITE ALL THE HR 246 00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:11,438 COMPLAINTS ABOUT -- >> ME BATHING IN THE SINK HERE AT WORK? 247 00:26:11,438 --> 00:26:16,476 MR. ROBERTS, I HAD NO IDEA YOU WANTED TO -- >> GET LOST IN YOUR BUTT? 248 00:26:16,476 --> 00:26:20,847 I DO. MY GOD, I DO. BUT IF WE'RE GOING TO GET 249 00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:25,719 TOGETHER, FIRST YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO -- >> SMOKE A FATTY SO YOU KNOW I'M 250 00:26:25,719 --> 00:26:30,190 A REAL ONE? >> YOU READ MY MIND. >> ISN'T LOVE BEAUTIFUL? 251 00:26:30,190 --> 00:26:33,793 >> ISN'T LOVE BEAUTIFUL? IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A DATE WITH A CAR. 252 00:26:45,238 --> 00:26:52,312 >> YO. >> OH, WELCOME BACK, TEAM. >> BOYS. 253 00:26:52,312 --> 00:26:55,949 MELVIN, ICE SPICE. >> SO COOL YOU'RE HOSTING, MAN. THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING, 254 00:26:55,949 --> 00:27:01,021 BUT WE WERE JUST WATCHING VIDEOS OF YOU DOING STANDUP WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER. 255 00:27:01,021 --> 00:27:04,090 >> NO WAY. >> PRETTY CRAZY. >> I'M INTO COUGARS, YOU KNOW. 256 00:27:04,090 --> 00:27:10,363 I THINK 21-YEAR-OLDS ARE SO HOT. IT'S RIDICULOUS. >> THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD PUBES. 257 00:27:10,363 --> 00:27:15,735 >> YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, DUDE. YOU'VE COME SO FAR. >> MAKES ME THINK ABOUT WHEN WE 258 00:27:15,735 --> 00:27:21,107 WERE STARTING OUT. >> DID YOU KNOW WE ALSO STARTED OUT AS YOUNG STANDUPS? 259 00:27:21,107 --> 00:27:23,376 OUT AS YOUNG STANDUPS? >> NO WAY. SHOW ME. 260 00:27:40,694 --> 00:27:44,597 >> MY FIRST BIG SET. >> WERE YOU LIKE A DEAF JAM COMIC? 261 00:27:44,597 --> 00:27:51,271 >> YEAH, WE ALL WERE. >> LIVE AT THE APOLLO, IT'S THE ORIGINAL PRINCES OF COMEDY. 262 00:27:51,271 --> 00:27:54,874 THEY MIGHT BE SMALL, BUT THEY GOT BIG ATTITUDES. FEATURING BEN SMOKE DOG 263 00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:55,208 GOT BIG ATTITUDES. FEATURING BEN SMOKE DOG MARSHALL. 264 00:28:34,514 --> 00:28:37,884 >> NOW YOU'RE LIKE THE WHITEST PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN. >> PUT A SOCK IN IT, WISE GUY. 265 00:28:37,884 --> 00:28:41,521 WE ARE NOT. >> ALL THREE OF YOU ARE WEARING DIFFERENT TAYLOR SWIFT SHIRTS. 266 00:28:41,521 --> 00:28:46,860 >> YOU GO TO THE ERAS TOUR AND NOT GET MERCH. >> WATCH AS THEY GO OFF ON 267 00:28:46,860 --> 00:28:49,863 NOT GET MERCH. >> WATCH AS THEY GO OFF ON BEDTIME, RECESS, AND COOCHIE. 268 00:29:01,007 --> 00:29:13,019 >> WE DID SHOWS WITH MELANEY TOO. 269 00:29:13,019 --> 00:29:18,858 >> WASN'T REALLY HIS ACCIDENT SCENE. >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT. 270 00:29:18,858 --> 00:29:23,763 MY MOTHER IS HERE, AND SHE WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET -- >> OH, MY GOD. 271 00:29:23,763 --> 00:29:26,166 REALLY LIKE TO MEET -- >> OH, MY GOD. IS THAT SMOKE DOG 272 00:29:38,945 --> 00:29:58,064 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * MM STOP PLAYIN' WITH 'EM RIOT * 273 00:29:58,064 --> 00:30:06,673 * SHE IN HA MOOD, SHE LIT. * * IN THE MIRROR, I'M DOING MY 274 00:30:06,673 --> 00:30:12,412 DANCE * * DON'T GOT A CHANCE, SO I'M LOVING MY BAND SNOENT 275 00:30:12,412 --> 00:30:20,286 * I TRIED DIPPING, HE BEGGED ME TO STAY * * IN A PARTY, HE JUST WANNA 276 00:30:20,286 --> 00:30:28,261 RUN * * SHE A BADDIE, SHE KNOW SHE A TEN * 277 00:30:28,261 --> 00:30:37,570 * IF I WAS BITCHES, I WOULD HATE ME A LOT * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * 278 00:30:37,570 --> 00:30:49,082 * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * * SHE LIT * * SAY THEY LOVE ME, BUT WANTING 279 00:30:49,082 --> 00:30:58,825 MY PLACE * AND I'M STILL GETTING BIGGER, GOING VIRAL IS GETTING THEM 280 00:30:58,825 --> 00:31:06,399 SICKER * * I'M STUCK IN A RUT, PRETTY BITCHES LIKE RUNNING WITH A BIG 281 00:31:06,399 --> 00:31:10,904 BUTT * * I'M MAKING THEM WAITING WITH HOLD ON, I'M MAKING THEM WAIT, 282 00:31:10,904 --> 00:31:21,414 HOLD ON, HOLD ON * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * 283 00:31:21,414 --> 00:31:31,991 * SHE LIT, SHE WANT MONEY TOO * * LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD, LIKE DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * 284 00:31:31,991 --> 00:31:50,777 * SHE LIT, GET MONEY TOO, LIKE, DAMN, SHE IN HA MOOD * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 285 00:32:01,454 --> 00:32:10,630 UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 286 00:32:10,630 --> 00:32:15,435 >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE. 287 00:32:15,435 --> 00:32:21,775 >> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, THIS WAS A TERRIBLE WEEK FOR THE WORLD, BUT A GREAT WEEK 288 00:32:21,775 --> 00:32:27,647 FOR RANDOM IDIOTS WHO LIKE TO SHARE COMPLETELY UNHINGED THOUGHTS WHEREVER THEY CAN. 289 00:32:27,647 --> 00:32:33,887 REALLY, IT'S NOT EVEN ON SOCIAL MEDIA ANYMORE. I SAW A THOUSAND-WORD ES SAY 290 00:32:33,887 --> 00:32:43,396 CALLED HOW I WOULD FIX PALESTINE, AND IT WAS POSTED IN A YELP REVIEW OF A BUFFALO WILD 291 00:32:43,396 --> 00:32:46,733 WINGS. EVEN LEADERS ARE MAKING IT WORSE. 292 00:32:46,733 --> 00:32:59,112 FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO PRAISE THE GROUP HE HAS BU LA, CALLING 293 00:32:59,112 --> 00:33:03,717 THEM VERY SMART. >> BUTLER WAS SWORN IN AS SENATOR BECOMING THE FIRST 294 00:33:03,717 --> 00:33:12,659 OPENLY BLACK WOMAN IN CONGRESS. YOU MEAN SECOND, SAID GEORGE SANTOS. 295 00:33:12,659 --> 00:33:19,632 NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE IN A PROMO FOR A PORN SHOP REALITY SHOW WAS 296 00:33:19,632 --> 00:33:24,871 INDICTED ON FEDERAL CHARGES, INCLUDING CONSPIRACY, WIRE FRAUD, AND IDENTITY THEFT. 297 00:33:24,871 --> 00:33:30,710 HE WAS ALSO INDICTED FOR RECKLESS HOMICIDE WHEN THAT BUTTON SHOT OFF HIS JACKET AND 298 00:33:30,710 --> 00:33:36,249 KILLED A BYSTANDER. >> NEW JERSEY SENATOR AND MOST SUCCESSFUL MEMBER OF THE 299 00:33:36,249 --> 00:33:48,695 LOLLIPOP GUILD, POP MENENDEZ WAS INDICTED ON CHARGES OF BRIBING. HE DESCRIBED THEM AS OVER THE 300 00:33:48,695 --> 00:33:56,636 TOP AS MY NEW BEJEWELED SCARAB. REPUBLICANS ON FRIDAY NOMINATED JIM JORDAN TO BE THE NEXT HOUSE 301 00:33:56,636 --> 00:34:00,874 SPEAKER. JORDAN IS BEST KNOWN FOR DENYING THE 2020 ELECTION RESULTS, 302 00:34:00,874 --> 00:34:10,583 LOOKING THE OTHER WAY ON AN OHIO STATE SEXUAL ABUSE SCANDAL, AND FOR HIS ROLE AS ANGER ON INSIDE 303 00:34:10,583 --> 00:34:16,556 OUT. >> PLAYBOY HAS CUT TIES WITH STAR MIA KHALIFA. 304 00:34:16,556 --> 00:34:22,195 SEE, I WAS GOOGLING HER FOR WORK. IN A NEW INTERVIEW, JADA PINKETT 305 00:34:22,195 --> 00:34:28,868 SMITH REVEALS THAT SHE AND HUSBAND WILL SMITH HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN SEPARATED SINCE 2016. 306 00:34:28,868 --> 00:34:36,242 IRONICALLY, AFTER HE SUGGESTED THAT SHE SHOULD STAR IN G.I. JANE TWO. 307 00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:46,219 I WAS TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED. >> A PUBLIC LIBRARY IN ALABAMA HAS FLAGGED A CHILDREN'S BOOK AS 308 00:34:46,219 --> 00:34:53,293 SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JUST BECAUSE THE AUTHOR'S LAST NAME IS GAY. TO BE FAIR, THE BOOK IS TITLED 309 00:34:53,293 --> 00:34:55,895 THE AUTHOR'S LAST NAME IS GAY. TO BE FAIR, THE BOOK IS TITLED GAY'S PORN FOR KIDS. 310 00:35:01,835 --> 00:35:06,940 STILL CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH THE STATUES OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. 311 00:35:06,940 --> 00:35:11,378 HERE TO COMMENT IS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. >> CHE AND MICHAEL, IT'S GREAT 312 00:35:11,378 --> 00:35:13,680 TO DISCOVER AMERICA. >> YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. 313 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:17,817 BUT HI, CHRISTOPHER. I WAS GOING TO SAY IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT 314 00:35:17,817 --> 00:35:24,424 IT IS. >> OH, COME ON, MICHAEL, YOU ARE MY SECOND FAVORITE COMEDIAN. 315 00:35:24,424 --> 00:35:28,728 >> WHO'S YOUR FIRST? >> SEBASTIAN. MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT 316 00:35:28,728 --> 00:35:35,702 HE'S ITALIAN. LIKE ME. AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY YOU 317 00:35:35,702 --> 00:35:38,905 TAKE THE STATUES DOWN. IT'S OKAY. I'M OKAY WITH IT. 318 00:35:38,905 --> 00:35:44,544 >> YOU WANT THEM TO TAKE DOWN YOUR STATUE? >> I MEAN, IT WAS 1492. 319 00:35:44,544 --> 00:35:49,082 THAT'S LIKE 100 YEARS AGO. PLUS, I JUST HATE THE WAY THE STATUES LOOK. 320 00:35:49,082 --> 00:35:52,085 I DON'T EVEN POSE LIKE THAT. >> HOW DO YOU POSE? >> YOU KNOW, JUST NATURAL, LIKE 321 00:35:52,085 --> 00:35:59,793 THIS. OR LIKE THIS. OR, UM, LIKE THIS. 322 00:35:59,793 --> 00:36:05,265 YOU KNOW, THAT'S MORE ME. THAT'S MORE MY VIBE. ALSO, I AM JUST A LITTLE 323 00:36:05,265 --> 00:36:08,835 EMBARRASSED. I THOUGHT THIS WAS ASIA. OKAY? 324 00:36:08,835 --> 00:36:14,274 ISN'T THAT KIND OF CRINGE? YOU WANT A STATUE OF A GUY WHO THOUGHT IT WAS ASIA? 325 00:36:14,274 --> 00:36:17,744 I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO DISCOVER AMERICA. >> WELL, YOU DIDN'T. 326 00:36:17,744 --> 00:36:25,685 >> WELL, I FEEL LIKE I DID. AND MY FEELINGS ARE VALID, NO? >> DON'T GO THERE, MAN. 327 00:36:25,685 --> 00:36:31,458 YOU OF ALL PEOPLE. >> I HONESTLY MIGHT. I ONLY CAME TO AMERICA BECAUSE I 328 00:36:31,458 --> 00:36:35,562 WAS LOOKING FOR THE SPICE. >> FOR SPICES? >> YES, THE SPICE. 329 00:36:35,562 --> 00:36:44,070 YOU DON'T KNOW THE SPICE LIKE THE SHOW HOT ONES. SOMEONE LIKE D.J.KHALID EAT MORE 330 00:36:44,070 --> 00:36:48,274 AND MORE SPICES. >> YES, I KNOW HOT ONES. >> I DISCOVERED THAT. 331 00:36:48,274 --> 00:36:55,081 >> NO, YOU DID NOT. >> I DISCOVERED ALL SORTS OF THINGS. 332 00:36:55,081 --> 00:37:01,121 ELECTRICITY, TEX MEX, JAZZ. >> PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU DISCOVERED JAZZ. 333 00:37:01,121 --> 00:37:04,891 >> I WATCHED A MOVIE CALLED LA-LA LAND. >> JAZZ ALREADY EXISTED, MAN. 334 00:37:04,891 --> 00:37:08,328 >> YES, BUT I DISCOVERED, MICHAEL. YOU KNOW BOY GENIUS. 335 00:37:08,328 --> 00:37:17,170 >> THE BAND WITH FEEBY BRIDGES WHO SINGS THE SONG? >> SEE? 336 00:37:17,170 --> 00:37:25,378 MICHAEL CHE KNOW BOY GENIUS. I LONG AGO SEE THREE QUEER GIRLS OPENING FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, AND I 337 00:37:25,378 --> 00:37:30,116 SAY, YOU, YOU, YOU, GO MAKE SAD LITTLE GAY SONG. GO. 338 00:37:30,116 --> 00:37:32,385 >> YOU DIDN'T DISCOVER THEM EITHER. >> YES, I DID. 339 00:37:32,385 --> 00:37:35,321 I DISCOVERED THEM ON MY BIG BOAT. >> YOUR WHAT? 340 00:37:35,321 --> 00:37:43,530 >> MY BOAT THAT GO ON THE WATER. THE OCEAN BLOW. WHERE THEY FILM FINDING NEMO. 341 00:37:43,530 --> 00:37:47,300 WHAT'S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. MARCO. >> MICHAEL. 342 00:37:47,300 --> 00:37:51,471 >> MARCO CHE. >> MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I DISCOVERED YOU, MICHAEL 343 00:37:51,471 --> 00:37:54,874 CHE. I REMEMBER IT WAS AT CAROLINA'S ON BROADWAY. 344 00:37:54,874 --> 00:37:59,112 I WAS EATING THE WINGS WITH THE SPICE. THEY GAVE YOU THE LIGHT, YOU 345 00:37:59,112 --> 00:38:08,221 KEPT GOING FOR 45 MINUTES. >> COME ON. >> YOU DID YOUR BIT ABOUT -- 346 00:38:08,221 --> 00:38:13,893 WHICH I ALSO DISCOVERED. I DO HAVE ONE MORE QUERY. TELL ME ABOUT THIS ICE SPICE. 347 00:38:13,893 --> 00:38:20,266 >> SHE'S A RAPPER. SHE JUST PERFORMED. >> OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 348 00:38:20,266 --> 00:38:27,040 >> OH, THAT'S RIGHT. I DISCOVER HER THANK YOU, MARCO THANK YOU. 349 00:38:34,047 --> 00:38:39,052 STUDYING A SKELETON THAT THEY SAY IS REWRITING THE MYSTERY OF SYPHILIS. 350 00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:50,096 THE SKELETON IS BETTER KNOWN BY ITS STAGE NAME, RUSSELL BRAND. >> CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME THE 351 00:38:50,096 --> 00:38:55,402 FIRST STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO ISSUE EBONY ALERTS WHEN A BLACK CHILD GOES MISSING. 352 00:38:55,402 --> 00:39:04,844 HERE WITH MORE ON THIS IS COLIN JOST. [ LAUGHTER ] 353 00:39:04,844 --> 00:39:14,120 >> WHY? IT'S THE FIRST SHOW. >> READ THE CARD. 354 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:20,460 >> CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME THE FIRST STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO ENACT EBONY ALERTS TO HELP FIND 355 00:39:20,460 --> 00:39:31,805 MISSING BLACK CHILDREN. AND I'LL SAVE YOU SOME TIME, THEY'RE NOT WITH THEIR FATHERS. 356 00:39:31,805 --> 00:39:46,152 OH, YOU LIKE THAT? WELL, HERE'S ANOTHER. I CAN'T WAIT. 357 00:39:46,152 --> 00:39:50,123 CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME -- I LIKE THAT WE RESTATE IT. CALIFORNIA HAS BECOME THE FIRST 358 00:39:50,123 --> 00:39:55,862 STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO ISSUE EBONY ALERTS WHEN A BLACK CHILD GOES MISSING, AND HOPEFULLY THE 359 00:39:55,862 --> 00:40:07,173 POLICE FIND THEM BEFORE I DO. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THOSE ARE SOME ROUGH JOKES, 360 00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:13,113 COLIN. THE SECOND LARGEST HINDU TEMPLE IN THE WORLD HAS OPENED IN NEW 361 00:40:13,113 --> 00:40:18,184 JERSEY. HINDU LEADERS BELIEVE THE TEMPLE ENDED UP IN NEW JERSEY BECAUSE 362 00:40:18,184 --> 00:40:25,692 IT DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE IN A FORMER LIFE. >> A FISHERMAN IN TEXAS SET A 363 00:40:25,692 --> 00:40:33,099 NEW WORLD RECORD AFTER HE CAUGHT A 280-POUND ALLIGATOR GAR FISH. AND LIKE EVERYTHING CAUGHT IN 364 00:40:33,099 --> 00:40:39,606 TEXAS, IT WAS IMMEDIATELY BUSSED TO NEW YORK CITY. >> YESTERDAY WAS NATIONAL NO-BRA 365 00:40:39,606 --> 00:40:47,681 DAY, AND BOY WAS I DIZZY. A NEW -- [ LAUGHTER ] 366 00:40:47,681 --> 00:40:54,154 A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT 53% OF DOG OWNERS IN THE U.S. QUESTION WHETHER THE RABIES VACCINE IS 367 00:40:54,154 --> 00:41:05,331 SAFE FOR THEIR PETS BECAUSE THEY HEARD IT COULD CAUSE PAWTISM. >> ALASKA AIRLINES SAYS THAT 368 00:41:05,331 --> 00:41:11,071 IT'S CREATED A NEW COFFEE BLEND FOR PASSENGERS THAT TASTES BETTER WHEN THE PLANE IS IN THE 369 00:41:11,071 --> 00:41:15,909 AIR. WHILE SPIRIT AIRLINES HAS CREATED A SPECIAL MOONSHINE THEY 370 00:41:15,909 --> 00:41:19,946 CREATED A SPECIAL MOONSHINE THEY GIVE OUT WHEN THEY HAVE TO LAND UPSIDE DOWN. 371 00:41:22,382 --> 00:41:29,222 STORIES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS THE COLORADO BUFFALOS WHO HAVE HAD A REMARKABLE TURNAROUND, 372 00:41:29,222 --> 00:41:35,395 THANKS TO THEIR COACH, TWO-SPORT, DEION SANDERS. HERE TO COMMENT IS DEION 373 00:41:35,395 --> 00:41:40,166 SANDERS. >> SUP, COLIN? SUP, CHE? 374 00:41:40,166 --> 00:41:44,938 >> WHAT'S UP, MAN? >> LIKE THAT BLACK DAD JOKE. PRIME TIME IN THE HOUSE. 375 00:41:44,938 --> 00:41:49,776 KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WE JUST KEEP WINNING, MAN. EVERY GAME, EVERY MINUTE. 376 00:41:49,776 --> 00:41:52,879 WE WINNING AT LIFE. >> YEAH. YEAH. 377 00:41:52,879 --> 00:42:01,121 WELL, YOU'RE ALSO 4-3. SO YOU HAVE LOST A FEW. >> COLIN, LOOK AT ME, MAN. 378 00:42:01,121 --> 00:42:04,090 WHAT ABOUT ME MAKES YOU THINK THAT I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME? 379 00:42:04,090 --> 00:42:09,529 HUH? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT MY TEAM HAS IT ALL, MAN. 380 00:42:09,529 --> 00:42:15,135 COACHING, GENIUS. OFFENSE, EXPLOSIVE. DEFENSE, TRYING. 381 00:42:15,135 --> 00:42:19,072 IT'S A COMPLETE PACKAGE, MAN. >> YEAH. WELL, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE 382 00:42:19,072 --> 00:42:23,877 WATCHING YOUR GAMES. YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY TURNED THE PROGRAM AROUND. 383 00:42:23,877 --> 00:42:28,448 IT'S NOT PERFECT. JUST LAST NIGHT, YOU LOST TO STANFORD IN DOUBLE OVERTIME. 384 00:42:28,448 --> 00:42:32,719 >> WASN'T THAT CRAZY? MAN, WE WERE UP 29-0 AT THE HALF. 385 00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:37,691 SO I WENT HOME AND FELL ASLEEP. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING SHOCKED AS ANYONE. 386 00:42:37,691 --> 00:42:44,798 BUT COME ON, NOBODY'S PERFECT. NAME ONE TEAM THAT'S UNDEFEATED. >> THERE'S GEORGIA. 387 00:42:44,798 --> 00:42:45,999 >> RIGHT. >> MICHIGAN. >> UH-HUH. 388 00:42:45,999 --> 00:42:49,302 >> OHIO STATE. >> THAT'S ANOTHER ONE. >> FLORIDA STATE. 389 00:42:49,302 --> 00:42:53,106 >> FORGOT ABOUT THEM. >> PENN STATE. >> GOOD TEAM. 390 00:42:53,106 --> 00:42:57,844 >> NORTH CAROLINA. >> TAR HEELS. >> AIR FORCE. 391 00:42:57,844 --> 00:43:01,448 >> SEE. THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. >> WHAT IS YOUR POINT? 392 00:43:01,448 --> 00:43:07,220 >> COLIN, LOOK AT ME, MAN. TO ME, COACHING IS A HIGHER CALL ZBLG THAT'S RIGHT. 393 00:43:07,220 --> 00:43:15,228 YOU STARTED YOUR COACHING CAREER AT JACKSON STATE, WHICH IS AN HBC OR HISTORICALLY BLACK 394 00:43:15,228 --> 00:43:20,900 COLLEGE, RIGHT? >> VERY GOOD, COLIN. THAT'S VERY GOOD. 395 00:43:20,900 --> 00:43:26,740 YOU KNOW, I TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD CALLED ME THERE, AND HE SAID, THIS IS YOUR DESTINY. 396 00:43:26,740 --> 00:43:31,444 >> RIGHT. AND THEN THREE YEARS LATER, YOU WENT TO CHICAGO -- I MEAN, 397 00:43:31,444 --> 00:43:33,413 COLORADO. >> YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. 398 00:43:33,413 --> 00:43:38,918 BECAUSE GOD CALLED ME AGAIN AND WAS LIKE, MY BAD. AND THEN HE SHOWED ME THE 399 00:43:38,918 --> 00:43:44,557 PROMISE LAND OF COLORADO. I HAD THESE VISIONS, COLIN. A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS WHITE 400 00:43:44,557 --> 00:43:48,962 PEOPLE. LIKE EVERY SINGLE PERSON WAS WHITE. 401 00:43:48,962 --> 00:43:56,803 NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT COLORADO IS AN HWCU, OR HISTORICALLY WHITE COLLEGE. 402 00:43:56,803 --> 00:44:01,574 KIND OF LIKE WHERE YOU WENT, COLIN. >> WELL, I MEAN, HARVARD IS 403 00:44:01,574 --> 00:44:07,847 PRETTY DIVERSE, YOU KNOW. >> COLIN. LOOK AT ME, MAN. 404 00:44:07,847 --> 00:44:13,853 NOW LOOK AT CHE. NOW LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE. NOW LOOK AT MY FINGERS. 405 00:44:13,853 --> 00:44:19,659 BOOP. I GOT YOU, MAN. I GOT YOU. 406 00:44:19,659 --> 00:44:24,964 COLIN, WE UNSTOPPABLE, MAN. WE ONLY LOST THREE GAMES. I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A TEAM 407 00:44:24,964 --> 00:44:29,302 THAT'S LOST FEWER THAN THAT. >> WELL, THERE'S TEXAS. >> OKAY. 408 00:44:29,302 --> 00:44:30,837 >> ALABAMA. >> GREAT PROGRAM. >> OLE MISS. 409 00:44:30,837 --> 00:44:32,906 >> THEM TOO. >> UTAH. >> YEAH. 410 00:44:32,906 --> 00:44:36,910 >> DUKE. >> REALLY? >> TENNESSEE. 411 00:44:36,910 --> 00:44:38,845 >> VOLS. >> USC. >> THEY BEAT US TOO. 412 00:44:38,845 --> 00:44:42,582 ONE MORE. >> BYU. >> TWO MORE. 413 00:44:42,582 --> 00:44:45,185 >> TULANE. >> THREE MORE. >> IOWA. 414 00:44:45,185 --> 00:44:49,656 >> YOU CAN STOP NOW. COLIN, SOME TEAMS MIGHT HAVE A BETTER RECORD. 415 00:44:49,656 --> 00:44:54,461 BUT WE GETTING PAID. NIL DEALS, BABY. IT'S LIKE I SAID WHEN I WAS THE 416 00:44:54,461 --> 00:45:02,635 MUSICAL GUEST ON THIS VERY SHOW BACK IN '95. LOOK AT THIS. 417 00:45:02,635 --> 00:45:06,906 * MUST BE THE MONEY * >> YEAH. REALLY, REALLY NICE MOVES. 418 00:45:06,906 --> 00:45:15,048 >> COLIN, LOOK AT ME. >> I'M LOOKING THE WHOLE TIME. >> NAME A MORE ICONIC MUSICAL 419 00:45:15,048 --> 00:45:18,318 GUEST ON SNL. >> WELL, THERE'S PRINCE. >> SURE. 420 00:45:18,318 --> 00:45:22,522 >> DAVID BOWIE. >> LEGEND. >> JAY-Z. 421 00:45:22,522 --> 00:45:25,825 >> YEAH. >> NIRVANA. U 2. 422 00:45:25,825 --> 00:45:30,764 >> OKAY. BUT AFTER THEM AND LIKE MAYBE THE NEXT 300, IT'S PRIME TIME, 423 00:45:30,764 --> 00:45:34,701 BABY. >> IT SURE IS. DEION SANDERS, EVERYONE. 424 00:45:34,701 --> 00:45:40,073 FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE, GOOD NIGHT. 425 00:46:02,562 --> 00:46:07,934 >> GOOD JOB, CREW. WE MADE IT TO ARTEMIS 5, AND THAT WAS A PRETTY SMOOTH 426 00:46:07,934 --> 00:46:13,873 HYPERDRIVE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. >> NOT TO SPOIL THE MOOD, BUT A 427 00:46:13,873 --> 00:46:18,278 WARSHIP HAS JUST DECLOAKED STARBOARD. >> SHOW ME. 428 00:46:18,278 --> 00:46:22,182 IF THEY'RE HERE IN ALLIED SPACE, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. GIVE US COMES. 429 00:46:22,182 --> 00:46:27,520 >> I'LL GIVE IT MY ALL, CAPTAIN, BUT THEY'VE BLOCKED TRANSMISSIONS. 430 00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:32,425 >> AND THEIR LASER IS LOCKED ON OUR VESSEL. >> THIS IS NO WAY TO START THE 431 00:46:32,425 --> 00:46:38,598 WEEKEND. SHIELD UP, AND LET'S HOPE THERE'S NO MORE SURPRISES. 432 00:46:38,598 --> 00:46:44,237 >> OH, MY GOD. THIS IS CRAZY! >> EXCUSE ME. 433 00:46:44,237 --> 00:46:48,141 WHO ARE YOU, AND HOW DID YOU GET ON MY BRIDGE. >> OH, GOD, I'M SORRY. 434 00:46:48,141 --> 00:46:54,080 I HAD TO COME IN. I USED TO WORK HERE. IT'S SO DIFFERENT. 435 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:59,652 BUT LIKE TOTALLY THE SAME. I'M MARLEY. >> MARLEY. 436 00:46:59,652 --> 00:47:04,391 IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, BUT THIS MAY NOT BE THE BEST TIME. >> OH, YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK? 437 00:47:04,391 --> 00:47:08,795 I KNOW HOW THAT USED TO BE. I USED TO WORK HERE. I'M MARLEY. 438 00:47:08,795 --> 00:47:14,134 OH, MY GOD. WAIT, THEY MOVED THIS. THIS USED TO BE THERE. 439 00:47:14,134 --> 00:47:18,705 THIS WHOLE THING USED TO BE THERE. OH, BUT I THINK THIS IS BETTER. 440 00:47:18,705 --> 00:47:26,913 BETTER FLOW. OH, MY GOD, TODD CAMENELLI? YOU'RE STILL HERE? 441 00:47:26,913 --> 00:47:32,218 >> WHAT ABOUT IT? >> YOU GOT OLD. OH, HOW DID YOU GET SO OLD? 442 00:47:32,218 --> 00:47:37,090 HE WAS THE HOT YOUNG NAVIGATION GUY WITH ALL THE MUSCLES AND NOW YOU'RE OLD. 443 00:47:37,090 --> 00:47:41,494 >> OH, GET OUT OF HERE. WE'RE BUSY. >> OH, YOU BIG FLIRT. 444 00:47:41,494 --> 00:47:46,466 YOU MISSED ME. >> NO, FALSE. >> ENEMY SHIP IS IN ATTACK 445 00:47:46,466 --> 00:47:49,135 RANGE. >> PREPARE TO RETURN FIRE. >> I'M ON IT, CAPTAIN. 446 00:47:49,135 --> 00:47:52,906 >> OH, MY GOD. THE GIRL THAT USED TO DO YOUR JOB. 447 00:47:52,906 --> 00:47:55,909 WHAT WAS HER NAME AGAIN? DINA? >> DEBORAH. 448 00:47:55,909 --> 00:47:58,578 >> I THINK IT WAS DINA. OR WAS IT KATANA? SHE WAS A BIG SLUT. 449 00:47:58,578 --> 00:48:03,350 >> THIS VISIT NEEDS TO END, MARLEY. >> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME, 450 00:48:03,350 --> 00:48:06,019 YOU OLD GROUCH. >> FIVE WORDS. TOO MUCH ALL THE TIME. 451 00:48:06,019 --> 00:48:10,357 >> CAPTAIN, I DO NOT KNOW HOW, BUT THE PLASMA ENGINE HAS BEEN DISABLED. 452 00:48:10,357 --> 00:48:14,928 >> CAN I SIT HERE? I USED TO SIT HERE. OH, MY GOD. 453 00:48:14,928 --> 00:48:20,166 I WOULD BE HERE AND MY THING WAS I WAS IN CHARGE OF LUNCH. I WOULD TURN OVER HERE AND SAY 454 00:48:20,166 --> 00:48:25,705 WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH. AND THEN I WOULD TURN OVER HERE AND SAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR 455 00:48:25,705 --> 00:48:30,543 LUNCH, AND THAT'S HOW WE WOULD FIGURE OUT WHAT WE WERE GOING TO GET FOR LUNCH. 456 00:48:30,543 --> 00:48:36,049 I USED TO WORK HERE. >> NOBODY CARES, MARLEY. >> OH, AND WE ALL HOOKED UP WITH 457 00:48:36,049 --> 00:48:41,187 EACH OTHER. I MEAN, EVERYBODY. DIDN'T MATTER IF YOU HAD A GOOD 458 00:48:41,187 --> 00:48:46,960 BODY, BAD BODY. AND THERE WAS NO GRAVITY SO THE GUYS WOULD HELP THE GUYS AND THE 459 00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:53,767 GIRLS WOULD HELP THE GIRLS. >> I NEED THAT PLASMA ENGINE UP! >> OH, HE'S GOOD. 460 00:48:53,767 --> 00:48:57,337 VERY GOOD. OUR CAPTAIN DRANK. >> HE DID NOT DRINK. 461 00:48:57,337 --> 00:49:01,074 HE WAS JUST FUNNY. >> OKAY. HE FUNNIED HIMSELF TO DEATH. 462 00:49:01,074 --> 00:49:04,878 >> WOW. WHO'S FLYING THIS THING? >> IMPACT, CAPTAIN. 463 00:49:04,878 --> 00:49:09,582 WE'RE AT 30% POWER. >> DIVERT LIFE SUPPORT TO SHIELDS. 464 00:49:09,582 --> 00:49:14,320 >> CAPTAIN, THAT IS NOT VIABLE. >> WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. >> CAPTAIN, THAT LAST HIT 465 00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:18,224 DISABLED THE BIG DOORS. ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO OPEN THE TUBE MANUALLY. 466 00:49:18,224 --> 00:49:25,231 >> BUT THAT'S A ONE-WAY MISSION. >> I'LL DO IT. >> WHAT? 467 00:49:25,231 --> 00:49:31,638 BUT YOU'LL BE KILLED. >> WELL, THEY ALWAYS CALLED ME GNARLY MARLEY. 468 00:49:31,638 --> 00:49:39,446 SOMEONE NEEDS SOMETHING FIXED, OH, CALL GNARLY MARLEY. PLUS, I'M THE ONLY ONE SMALL 469 00:49:39,446 --> 00:49:42,215 ENOUGH TO FIT IN THE TUBE. >> I'M SMALLER THAN YOU ARE. >> SURE, JANUARY. 470 00:49:42,215 --> 00:49:45,318 >> DON'T DO IT. I'LL GO. >> NO, NO, NO. 471 00:49:45,318 --> 00:49:51,925 I'M ALREADY GETTING IN THE TUBE. BUT, SOUNDS LIKE YOU DID MISS ME JUST A LITTLE BIT, TODD. 472 00:49:51,925 --> 00:49:57,764 OH, HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS THE FUNNEST PLACE YOU'LL EVER WORK. EVERY DAY YOU'LL SAY, I GOT TO 473 00:49:57,764 --> 00:50:02,936 GET OUT OF HERE, BUT WHEN YOU LEAVE, YOU'LL MISS IT LIKE HELL. OKAY. 474 00:50:02,936 --> 00:50:05,739 BYE, TODD. >> GOOD-BYE, MARLEY, AND THANKS FOR VISITING. 475 00:50:05,739 --> 00:50:07,807 >> OH, SHUT UP. OKAY. HIT FIRE. 476 00:50:07,807 --> 00:50:18,818 OH, HELL! I'M OKAY. I'M IN SPACE, BUT I'M FINE. 477 00:50:18,818 --> 00:50:23,623 OH, HI. I'M MARLEY. I USED TO WORK THERE. 478 00:50:23,623 --> 00:50:25,658 I'M MARLEY. I USED TO WORK THERE. YEAH. 479 00:50:50,817 --> 00:50:53,186 >>> ONCE AGAIN, ICE SPICE. >>> SNL, WHAT UP? 480 00:50:53,186 --> 00:50:57,457 * MM STOP PLAYIN' WITH 'EM RIOT * * YEAH PRETTY GAL 481 00:50:57,457 --> 00:51:00,093 ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * * AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL 482 00:51:00,093 --> 00:51:04,864 I WILL TREAT YOU MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN 483 00:51:04,864 --> 00:51:09,669 YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * 484 00:51:09,669 --> 00:51:13,406 * LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN GOT MY EYES WIDE * 485 00:51:13,406 --> 00:51:15,508 * LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN SO OUTTA THIS WORLD 486 00:51:15,508 --> 00:51:18,745 LIKE SCI-FI GRRAH * * LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN 487 00:51:18,745 --> 00:51:21,381 LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT MY EYES WIDE * * LOOKIN' AT YOU 488 00:51:21,381 --> 00:51:24,084 GOT MY EYES WIDE DAMN SO OUTTA THIS WORLD LIKE SCI-FI * 489 00:51:24,084 --> 00:51:27,253 * I AM THE ONE THAT GOT LOTTA BANDS WHO YOU BECOMIN' 490 00:51:27,253 --> 00:51:29,956 WELL THAT DEPENDS AH-HA * * JUMP IN THE AIR I PERFECT MY STANCE AH-HA 491 00:51:29,956 --> 00:51:32,092 JUMP TO THE FLOOR I JUST WANNA DANCE MM * * YEAH YOU THE ONE 492 00:51:32,092 --> 00:51:35,295 THERE'S NO NUMBER TWO IF I HAD THREE WISHES I'D WASTE 'EM ON YOU * 493 00:51:35,295 --> 00:51:37,931 * WATCH WHAT YOU SAY GOT FACES ON ME NO WAIST IS ON ME 494 00:51:37,931 --> 00:51:42,702 YEAH YEAH OH * * YEAH PRETTY GAL ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * 495 00:51:42,702 --> 00:51:45,872 * AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL I WILL TREAT YOU 496 00:51:45,872 --> 00:51:51,211 MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX 497 00:51:51,211 --> 00:51:56,116 AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * * YEAH PRETTY GAL 498 00:51:56,116 --> 00:51:59,786 ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * * AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL 499 00:51:59,786 --> 00:52:04,057 I WILL TREAT YOU MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN 500 00:52:04,057 --> 00:52:08,828 YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * 501 00:52:08,828 --> 00:52:10,964 * GRRAH I AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE IN A MINUTE * 502 00:52:10,964 --> 00:52:13,233 * DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BUT YOU GET IT UH-HUH BIG THREE WORDS OUT YA MOUTH 503 00:52:13,233 --> 00:52:15,268 AND YOU MEANT IT * * YOU CAN GET IT PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT 504 00:52:15,268 --> 00:52:17,904 BET IT MHM GRRAH * * IT'S OUR LIFE SO BABY LET'S LIVE IT 505 00:52:17,904 --> 00:52:20,607 HATERS SUPER MAD WE GOT 'EM ALL LIVID GRRAH * * THINKIN' 'BOUT MY FUTURE 506 00:52:20,607 --> 00:52:23,777 GOT YOU ALL IN IT LIKE SHOOTIN' FOR THE STARS THE SKY HAS NO LIMIT GRRAH * 507 00:52:23,777 --> 00:52:27,480 * YEAH PRETTY GAL ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * * AS LONG 508 00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:31,751 AS YOU TREAT ME WELL I WILL TREAT YOU MORE THAN GEM * 509 00:52:31,751 --> 00:52:37,157 * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE 510 00:52:37,157 --> 00:52:42,462 YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * * YEAH PRETTY GAL ME NO DO NO KISS AND TELL * 511 00:52:42,462 --> 00:52:45,098 * AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WELL I WILL TREAT YOU 512 00:52:45,098 --> 00:52:50,503 MORE THAN GEM * * ME NO SEND MY CHAIN YOU ARE MY REAL FLEX 513 00:52:50,503 --> 00:53:01,247 AY YEAH GIMME PROMISE YOU AIN'T GONNA BAIL ON ME * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 514 00:53:10,290 --> 00:53:13,893 >>> WOW, CHRIS. THIS WAS THE PERFECT WAY TO END THE SUMMER. 515 00:53:13,893 --> 00:53:17,430 >> YEAH. IT'S JUST SO GREAT TO JUST KICK BACK WITH FRIENDS. 516 00:53:17,430 --> 00:53:23,069 IT'S NICE TO GET A BREAK FROM RUNNING MY GRANDMA'S OLD BEAN FARM. 517 00:53:23,069 --> 00:53:28,375 >> HOW'S THAT GOING BY THE WAY? >> I'M LEARNING AS I GO, BUT WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER LEFT ME THE 518 00:53:28,375 --> 00:53:33,546 ARM IN HER WILL, I KNEW I HAD TO STEP UP. IT'S WHAT NANA WOULD HAVE 519 00:53:33,546 --> 00:53:35,949 WANTED. >> THAT'S SO SWEET, CHRIS. >> THANKS, JENNY. 520 00:53:35,949 --> 00:53:38,284 >> OKAY. ALL DONE. >> OH, RICK, AWESOME. 521 00:53:38,284 --> 00:53:44,591 >> RICK, YOU LOOK SO CRAZY. >> OH, GOD, HOW DID YOU GUYS TALK ME INTO THIS? 522 00:53:44,591 --> 00:53:49,362 >> OH, SICK. YOU GUYS BURIED RICK AND GAME HIM BOOBIES, DUDE. 523 00:53:49,362 --> 00:53:52,232 >> THAT'S AWESOME. I'LL GET THE CAMERA FROM THE CAR. 524 00:53:52,232 --> 00:53:58,638 WE HAVE TO GET A PICTURE OF THIS. >> OH, PLEASE, DON'T TAKE A 525 00:53:58,638 --> 00:54:03,810 PICTURE. GUYS, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. >> HOLD ON A SEC, GUYS. 526 00:54:03,810 --> 00:54:06,479 HELLO? WAIT, WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FARM? 527 00:54:06,479 --> 00:54:12,385 A TORNADO? THE WHOLE FARM? GONE? 528 00:54:12,385 --> 00:54:16,389 OH, MY GOD. YEAH. YEAH. 529 00:54:16,389 --> 00:54:22,128 THANKS FOR CALLING. >> OH, MY GOD, CHRIS, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 530 00:54:22,128 --> 00:54:28,268 >> UM, I GUESS A TORNADO HIT MY GRANDMA'S BEAN FARM, AND IT'S DESTROYED. 531 00:54:28,268 --> 00:54:31,471 >> I'M SO SORRY. >> SO SORRY. >> DANG. 532 00:54:31,471 --> 00:54:40,714 >> CHRIS, I AM SO SORRY THAT THAT HAPPENED TO YOU. >> THANKS. 533 00:54:40,714 --> 00:54:42,949 THANKS, GUYS. >> NO. SERIOUSLY, NONE OF US CAN 534 00:54:42,949 --> 00:54:47,854 UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MUST BE FEELING RIGHT NOW. THAT'S HORRIBLE, MAN, REALLY. 535 00:54:47,854 --> 00:54:52,726 >> YEAH. THANKS, RICK. I'M JUST SAD IT'S GONE. 536 00:54:52,726 --> 00:54:56,363 I WANTED TO MAKE MY GRANDMA PROUD. >> HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME. 537 00:54:56,363 --> 00:55:00,033 SHE'S PROUD OF YOU, MAN. I KNOW IT. >> THANKS, MAN. 538 00:55:00,033 --> 00:55:04,938 YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. I JUST THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT'S LEFT 539 00:55:04,938 --> 00:55:06,439 OF THE PLACE. >> OH, YEAH. >> I AGREE WITH THAT. 540 00:55:06,439 --> 00:55:13,046 >> ABSOLUTELY, DUDE. WE GOT TO GET TO THE FARM. AS SOON AS JENNY GETS BACK AND 541 00:55:13,046 --> 00:55:18,852 TAKES THE PICTURE, WE'LL GO. GAH, DUDE. I'M SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO 542 00:55:18,852 --> 00:55:21,821 YOU, MAN. >> OH, YEAH. I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD GO 543 00:55:21,821 --> 00:55:27,460 LIKE RIGHT NOW, I MEAN. >> DUDE, OF COURSE. COME ON, GUYS. 544 00:55:27,460 --> 00:55:34,067 SERIOUSLY, IT'S TIME TO GO. ONCE JENNY GETS BACK AND TAKES THE PICTURE, WE'RE GETTING OUT 545 00:55:34,067 --> 00:55:36,336 OF HERE. SUCKS, MAN. >> THANKS. 546 00:55:36,336 --> 00:55:40,407 I'M SAYING I WANT TO GO RIGHT NOW. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TAKE THE 547 00:55:40,407 --> 00:55:43,910 PICTURE. >> TOTALLY. CHRIS, CAN I SEE YOU DOWN HERE 548 00:55:43,910 --> 00:55:48,081 FOR A SEC? >> YEAH. >> HEY, HOW YOU DOING? 549 00:55:48,081 --> 00:55:52,752 >> REALLY BAD, DUDE. >> TOTALLY. I GET THAT. 550 00:55:52,752 --> 00:55:57,123 IT'S JUST, HI TO SPEND ALL DAY GETTING BURIED, RIGHT? >> YEAH. 551 00:55:57,123 --> 00:56:00,427 >> BECAUSE EVERYONE REALLY WANTED TO BURY ME. >> WELL, I DON'T THINK EVERYONE 552 00:56:00,427 --> 00:56:03,863 WANTED TO BURY YOU. YOU WANTED TO GET BURIED, REMEMBER? 553 00:56:03,863 --> 00:56:09,669 >> I THINK EVERYONE WANTED TO BURY ME, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. 554 00:56:09,669 --> 00:56:13,907 >> NO. YOU TOLD EVERYONE TO BURY YOU, AND WHEN NO ONE WANTED TO, YOU 555 00:56:13,907 --> 00:56:17,177 GOT MAD. >> WELL, EVERYONE WANTED TO BURY ME. 556 00:56:17,177 --> 00:56:21,414 >> NO, AND WHEN PEOPLE WANTED TO DO OTHER STUFF, YOU YELLED AT THEM. 557 00:56:21,414 --> 00:56:24,951 >> I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. IT'S BEEN A TOUGH DAY FOR ALL OF US. 558 00:56:24,951 --> 00:56:30,323 YOU LOST YOUR GRANDMA'S FARM. AND I LOST MY WHOLE BEACH DAY GETTING BURIED AND MIGHT NOT 559 00:56:30,323 --> 00:56:35,729 EVEN GET A PICTURE. >> THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING, BRO. 560 00:56:35,729 --> 00:56:39,933 >> LET'S SNAP THIS THING. >> LET'S DO IT! >> JENNY, I JUST FOUND OUT MY 561 00:56:39,933 --> 00:56:45,105 GRANDMA'S BEAN FARM JUST GOT COMPLETELY SUCKED INTO THE SKY. >> CHRIS, I'M SO SORRY. 562 00:56:45,105 --> 00:56:48,808 >> YEAH. JENNY, TODAY REALLY SHOWED ME THAT LIFE'S UNCERTAIN, YOU KNOW. 563 00:56:48,808 --> 00:56:55,315 BUT I KNOW WHAT I WANT. >> I THINK I WANT THE SAME THING. 564 00:56:55,315 --> 00:57:01,421 >> KISS HER! >> KISS! >> YEA! 565 00:57:01,421 --> 00:57:04,891 >> YEA! >> I FEEL LIKE WE COULD HAVE TAKEN THE PICTURE B 566 00:57:15,035 --> 00:57:20,440 SHORT NOTICE. I KNOW YOU HAVE A REALLY BUSY SCHEDULE, BUT ME THINKS I KNOW 567 00:57:20,440 --> 00:57:29,249 WHY, CUTEST GEINO IN TOWN. >> IF ANYONE REPORTS INFLAMMATION FOR THAT LONG, I 568 00:57:29,249 --> 00:57:31,551 GET CONCERNED. ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 569 00:57:31,551 --> 00:57:34,754 WHOA! >> YES, DOCTOR? SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE? 570 00:57:34,754 --> 00:57:42,162 >> NO, DUDE. IT'S JUST -- DID YOU -- DID YOU PUT MAKEUP ON IT? 571 00:57:42,162 --> 00:57:49,536 >> WELL, NOT JUST ANY OLD MAKEUP, DOC. I USED GLAMGINA. 572 00:57:49,536 --> 00:57:55,108 MAKEUP FOR YOUR OTHER FACE. >> NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T PUT MAKEUP DOWN THERE. 573 00:57:55,108 --> 00:58:01,281 I'M SORRY. DID YOU GIVE IT A SMOKY EYE? >> I SURE DID. 574 00:58:01,281 --> 00:58:06,686 CROUCHED OVER A MIRROR LIKE A FROG. >> THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT. 575 00:58:06,686 --> 00:58:12,525 >> HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE. >> THANKS TO GLAMGINA, NOW MY 576 00:58:12,525 --> 00:58:20,033 SNATCH LOOKS SNATCHED. >> THAT'S THE MAGIC OF GLAMGINA. >> WHERE ARE YOU GUYS COMING 577 00:58:20,033 --> 00:58:25,071 FROM? >> THE PARKING LOT. >> LIP PLUMPING GLOSS. 578 00:58:25,071 --> 00:58:29,542 SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE VAGINAL MIGRATION? MIGRATING WHERE? 579 00:58:29,542 --> 00:58:34,280 >> MAYBE NOW I'LL BE ABLE TO SCORE A DATE WITH THAT CUTE DOCTOR. 580 00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:40,620 >> I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. I'M MARRIED. >> SAYS THE GUY STARING AT HER 581 00:58:40,620 --> 00:58:44,090 VAGINA. >> WHAT'S WRONG, DOC? IS IT MY HAIR DOWN THERE? 582 00:58:44,090 --> 00:58:47,727 BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A PRODUCT FOR THAT TOO. >> YEAH, I COULD TELL. 583 00:58:47,727 --> 00:58:53,166 >> HOLD ON A MINUTE, LADIES. >> HOW DID YOU GET DOWN THERE? >> THE WINDOW. 584 00:58:53,166 --> 00:58:57,604 SO YOU'RE PUTTING MAKEUP ON IT JUST TO SCORE A DATE WITH YOUR CUTE DOCTOR? 585 00:58:57,604 --> 00:59:02,242 NOT TO BE A BITCH, BUT THAT'S NOT FEMINIST. >> HEY, I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR 586 00:59:02,242 --> 00:59:07,247 ANYONE ELSE. I'M DOING IT FOR ME BECAUSE WHEN I TAKE A PICTURE OF IT WITH THE 587 00:59:07,247 --> 00:59:10,316 FLASH ON, I WANT SOMETHING THAT I WOULD BE PROUD TO SHOW MY FAMILY. 588 00:59:10,316 --> 00:59:15,689 >> ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE YOU AN 589 00:59:15,689 --> 00:59:20,026 ANTIBIOTIC SHOT. >> HI! >> HEY, JANESSA! 590 00:59:20,026 --> 00:59:26,132 >> I HAVE TO KNOW, IS GLAMGINA HARD TO WASH OFF? >> NOT AT ALL. 591 00:59:26,132 --> 00:59:31,671 JUST SPRAY SOME WINDEX ON IT AND GO TO TOWN. >> DO NOT PUT WINDEX ON IT! 592 00:59:31,671 --> 00:59:37,777 IT'S NOT A GLASS COFFEE TABLE, GEEZ. >> I DON'T KNOW. 593 00:59:37,777 --> 00:59:43,950 IT CHECKS OUT TO ME. I USE MAKEUP ON MY FACE. WHY NOT USE MAKEUP ON MY CHOO 594 00:59:43,950 --> 00:59:46,453 CHOO? ALMOST THE SAME AMOUNT OF PEOPLE SEE IT. 595 00:59:46,453 --> 00:59:50,357 >> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. >> TOTALLY. >> I GOT A QUESTION. 596 00:59:50,357 --> 00:59:54,794 >> WHAT? >> YOU KNOW, MY WIFE AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT TRYING SOMETHING 597 00:59:54,794 --> 01:00:00,600 NEW, SO I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO ASK IS, DO IT WORK ON BOOTY HOLES? 598 01:00:11,845 --> 01:00:17,450 ** >>> HEY. BUY YOU A DRINK? 599 01:00:17,450 --> 01:00:22,989 >> EXCUSE ME? >> NAME'S TOMMY. WORK AT THE FACTORY DOWN THE 600 01:00:22,989 --> 01:00:26,393 ROAD. WELL, USED TO. UNTIL I MADE IT BIG. 601 01:00:26,393 --> 01:00:30,663 BUY YOU A DRINK? >> I'M GOOD. >> YEAH, ME TOO. 602 01:00:30,663 --> 01:00:36,269 I'M BETTER THAN GOOD. USED TO MAKE 30 K A YEAR MAX AT THE FACTORY. 603 01:00:36,269 --> 01:00:40,840 NOW, YOU CAN ADD ANOTHER 0 IN FRONT OF THAT. >> IN FRONT? 604 01:00:40,840 --> 01:00:49,783 >> BARTENDER, I'LL HAVE A CORP. SURVIVOR NUMBER TWO. DO YOU HAVE 50-YEAR-OLD GIN? 605 01:00:49,783 --> 01:00:55,055 >> WE DO NOT. >> DO YOU HAVE ROW CUE JAPANESE CRAFT GIN. 606 01:00:55,055 --> 01:01:03,697 >> I THINK YOU KNOW WE DON'T. >> WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE SOME GIN AND TEQUILA WITH A SPLASH OF 607 01:01:03,697 --> 01:01:07,067 BETHANY ROSE. SAME FOR MY MAN HERE. >> ABSOLUTELY NOT. 608 01:01:07,067 --> 01:01:13,173 >> IF HE DOESN'T DRINK HIS, I WILL. I'M NOT DRIVING. 609 01:01:13,173 --> 01:01:19,346 >> YOU'RE NOT? THIS BAR IS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. 610 01:01:19,346 --> 01:01:23,383 >> I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. >> YOU MADE THREE FIGURES AT THE FACTORY? 611 01:01:23,383 --> 01:01:28,755 THAT'S LIKE $100. >> MAX. NOW, I'M PULLING IN FIVE, SIX, 612 01:01:28,755 --> 01:01:33,393 MAYBE SEVEN FIGURES, AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS SELL PICTURES OF MY FEET ONLINE. 613 01:01:33,393 --> 01:01:38,565 CRAZY, RIGHT? >> I'M SORRY. WHAT? 614 01:01:38,565 --> 01:01:44,504 >> THOUGHT I WOULD WORK AT THAT FACTORY UNTIL THE DAY I DIED JUST LIKE MY OLD MAN. 615 01:01:44,504 --> 01:01:53,980 EATING LEFTOVER FOOD OUT OF THE TRASH. NOW ALL I GOT TO DO IS UPLOAD A 616 01:01:53,980 --> 01:01:57,317 COUPLE HUNDRED PICTURES OF FEET A DAY. >> HEY, BUY YOU A DRUNK? 617 01:01:57,317 --> 01:02:05,125 >> WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? >> NAME'S SHIP. USED TO WORK AT THE FACTORY UP 618 01:02:05,125 --> 01:02:08,862 THE ROAD. I WAS A SLAVE TO THE MAN, AND NOW I AM THE MAN. 619 01:02:08,862 --> 01:02:21,941 I ADDED TWO 0s TO THE FRONT OF MY SALARY, AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS UPLOAD 5 OR 600 FOOT PICS AN 620 01:02:21,941 --> 01:02:23,777 HOUR. BARTENDER -- >> HOW WOULD WE HAVE THAT? 621 01:02:23,777 --> 01:02:29,082 I'LL JUST TAKE A JASON DERULA VODKA. MAKE IT SIX. 622 01:02:29,082 --> 01:02:34,587 I'M NOT DRIVING. >> NEITHER OF YOU IS DRIVING? THIS IS A ROAD HOUSE BAR. 623 01:02:34,587 --> 01:02:39,793 THE NEAREST TOWN IS 15 MILES A WAY. >> I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. 624 01:02:39,793 --> 01:02:45,465 WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I WAS PULLING IN EIGHT OR NINE FIGURES A YEAR AND ALL I GOT TO DO IS SHOW 625 01:02:45,465 --> 01:02:49,235 PICTURES OF MY FEET ONLINE. >> I WOULD SAY THAT WAS FAKE AND INSANE. 626 01:02:49,235 --> 01:02:58,478 >> WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOU COULD LITERALLY QUADRUPLE YOUR SALARY AND ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LET US 627 01:02:58,478 --> 01:03:02,115 TAKE ONE TO 2,000 PICTURES OF YOUR FEET AND MAYBE YOUR GENITALS. 628 01:03:02,115 --> 01:03:05,952 >> I'M SORRY. DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER? >> SOMEWHAT. 629 01:03:05,952 --> 01:03:08,288 I'M HIS DAD. >> AND I'VE AT TIMES BEEN HIS SON. 630 01:03:08,288 --> 01:03:15,895 >> THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR OLD MAN DIED AT THE FACTORY. >> I WAS BASICALLY DEAD PULLING 631 01:03:15,895 --> 01:03:19,499 IN TWO, THREE FIGURES MAX. >> TWO FIGURES IS $10. >> MAX. 632 01:03:19,499 --> 01:03:26,072 NOW I MAKE TWO FIGURES PER FOOT, AND I'M NOT A SLAVE TO THE MAN. SPENDING SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AT 633 01:03:26,072 --> 01:03:30,977 THE FACTORY EATING LEFTOVER FOOD OUT OF THE TRASH. >> WHY DID THE FACTORY HAVE 634 01:03:30,977 --> 01:03:36,616 LEFTOVER FOOD? >> IT WAS A CHEESECAKE FACTORY. THEY TESTED NEW RECIPES ON US, 635 01:03:36,616 --> 01:03:42,622 AND IF WE GOT SICK, THEY MOVED IT TO THE BACK OF THE MENU. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? 636 01:03:42,622 --> 01:03:49,829 THE MANAGER THAT SPIT IN MY FACE AND SAID STOP EATING OUR TRASH? OR THE GUY THAT MAKES 11 MILLION 637 01:03:49,829 --> 01:03:55,402 A YEAR POSTING PICTURES OF HIS FEET, BALLS, AND BUTT HOLE. >> OH, MY GOD. 638 01:03:55,402 --> 01:03:59,906 THIS IS HORRIBLE. >> IS IT HARD TO MAKE 12 TO 15 FINGERS A WEEK? 639 01:03:59,906 --> 01:04:03,710 >> FINGERS? >> COME ON. WE GOT A RING LIGHT SET UP IN 640 01:04:03,710 --> 01:04:11,618 THE BATHROOM. LET A FATHER AND HIS ESTRANGED SON BUY YOU SOME CHANNING TATUM 641 01:04:11,618 --> 01:04:16,389 WHISKEY. >> AND THEN TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND UNDERWEAR AND LET US FILM 642 01:04:16,389 --> 01:04:22,095 YOUR NUDE UNDERCARRIAGE FOR THE NEXT 8 TO 12 HOURS MAX. >> IF I CAN MAKE 15 FINGERS A 643 01:04:22,095 --> 01:04:27,734 WEEK, I'M IN. LET'S SWING BY THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FIRST. 644 01:04:37,210 --> 01:04:46,986 >>> OH, HEY. MANY THANKS TO ICE SPICE, REMA, TAYLOR SWIFT, AND TRAVIS KELCE. 645 01:04:46,986 --> 01:04:50,423 HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HI, MOM. 646 01:04:50,423 --> 01:04:53,927 HI, MOM. HIGH CASE. THANK YOU.