>>> NO PERSON HAVING RECEIVED A
MAJORITY OF THE VOTES CAST, A SPEAKER HAS NOT BEEN ELECTED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> NO.
NO. NO, I DIDN'T WIN, HONEY.
NO. NOT THIS TIME EITHER.
NO, IT'S OKAY. NO, I'M FEELING GOOD.
OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME, SWEETIE.
OKAY. BYE BYE.
>> MR. JORDAN, DO YOU NEED
ANOTHER PHONE? >> YES, KAYLA, PLEASE.
HOW DID I LOSE? THIS IS CHAOS.
SOME OF US ARE HERE TO ACTUALLY SERVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET CONGRESS BACK TO WORK SO I CAN SHUT IT
DOWN AGAIN. >> YOU'LL GET THERE, SIR.
IN THE MEANTIME, THERE'S SOMEONE HERE WHO WANTS TO CHEER YOU UP.
>> HI, JIM. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT THE HECK. >> GEORGE SANTOS?
WHY DO YOU HAVE A BABY? >> NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW.
HEY, HON, CAN YOU TAKE THIS? >> WHERE?
>> JUST PUT HIM IN AN UBER. JIM, I JUST WANTED TO SAY HOW
SORRY I AM, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I VOTED FOR YOU, AND GET
THIS, SO DID SHASHONNA LOGGINS. >> WHO'S THAT?
>> ALSO ME. >> I APPRECIATE THAT, GEORGE,
BUT I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP. OKAY?
DO YOU THINK IF ONE MORE TIME I TRY, I COULD BE ELECTED SPEAKER?
>> I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID YES, SO, YES.
>> OKAY, GEORGE. THANK YOU FOR COMING.
BUT I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW.
>> OF COURSE. OH.
I HAVE TO TAKE THIS. IT'S TUPAC.
GIRL, I KNOW. JADA IS CRAZY.
>> OH, MY GOD. NONE OF THAT MADE ME FEEL
BETTER. >> MR. JORDAN, THERE'S ANOTHER
ONE OF YOUR SUPPORTERS ON LINE TWO.
>> GREAT. I'LL TAKE WHOEVER I CAN GET.
HELLO? >> HI, JIM.
IT'S YOUR FELLOW MEMBER OF THE FREEDOM CAUCUS, LAUREN BOEBERT.
>> OH, LAUREN, HI. IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
>> JIM, LOOK, THINGS ARE GOING EXACTLY AS PLANNED.
JUST KEEP RUNNING FOR SPEAKER, AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T WIN,
GREAT, THE GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN, AND WE BLOW THIS WHOLE
THING UP. STOP, STOP.
OH, MY GOD. >> SORRY.
ARE YOU OUT SOMEWHERE? >> YEAH.
I GOT TO GO. I'M AT THE THEATER SEEING
ALADDIN. GOOD LUCK, JIM.
>> OH, GOD. WHAT A NIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. I'M JUST SO CLOSE.
I ONLY NEED, WHAT, 100 VOTES? >> KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
IS THIS THE LOSER'S OFFICE? >> MR. PRESIDENT, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE HERE. YOU ENDORSED ME, AND THEN YOU
JUST KIND OF DISAPPEARED. >> YEAH, WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE I
PREFER THE JORDANS WHO WIN, OKAY?
LIKE THE GREAT MICHAEL JORDAN OR THE EVEN GREATER JORDIN SPARKS.
NO AIR, REMEMBER THAT? NOW THAT WAS A SONG.
TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR.
YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T DO IT.
BUT, JIM, I STILL LIKE YOU. NOT LIKE-LIKE.
IT'S MORE LIKE NOT-LIKE. LIKE, I DON'T LIKE YOU AT ALL.
PART OF IT'S THE JACKET. IT'S THE LACK OF THE JACKET.
YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD. YOU LOOK LIKE THE NIGHT MANAGER
AT A TWO STAR STEAK HOUSE. >> I UNDERSTAND, SIR.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT BEFORE. >> BUT PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT I
WOULD MAKE A GREAT SPEAKER. >> I MEAN, YOU WOULD, SIR.
>> IT'S TRUE. BUT SADLY I'LL BE TOO BUSY
CAMPAIGNING, TRAVELING FROM CITY TO CITY VISITING THEIR BEAUTIFUL
COURTROOMS, YOU KNOW. BUT I'M DOING GREAT THINGS FOR
THE COURTS. DOING GREAT THINGS FOR THE
COURTS. >> THIS IS ALL JUST SO
FRUSTRATING, SIR. I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU WOULD DO,
INTIMIDATION, THREATS. WHY DIDN'T IT WORK?
>> BECAUSE FRANKLY, YOU'RE NOT ME, OKAY?
YOU'RE NO FUN. I'M HILARIOUS, OKAY?
I'M A CREEP, I'M A WEIRDO. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?
THEY DON'T PLAY CREEP ANYMORE. YOU NOTICE THAT?
EVERYBODY ELSE DOES IT, BUT RADIO DOESN'T DO IT.
YOU'RE LITTLE JIM JORDAN. I'M DONALD TRUMP, OKAY?
I'M COKE. YOU'RE SHASTA.
>> BUT YOU ENDORSED ME, AND I STILL LOST.
>> SEEMS TO HAPPEN A LOT. IT'S HAPPENING A LOT, BUT THAT'S
OKAY. YOU CAN'T GIVE UP, ALL RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.
IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD FILLED WITH SOME
TERRIBLE PEOPLE, SOME AWFUL PEOPLE, SOME OF THE WORST PEOPLE
YOU'VE EVER SEEN, BUT WE LOVE IT.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NATION IT IS. WHAT A WONDERFUL NATION.
NOT SO MUCH IN TERMS OF THE PEOPLE.
PEOPLE ARE VERY BAD AND WEIRD. DON'T WE LOVE OUR COUNTRY?
WHAT AN AWFUL PLACE IT IS. >> GOT IT.
SO DO YOU THINK I CAN WIN? >> HONESTLY, I COULDN'T CARE
LESS. BUT SOON, I'LL BE BACK IN
PRESIDENT, AND DON'T YOU WORRY, JIM, I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
OH, YES, YOU WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF.
>> ALL RIGHT. I DON'T LOVE THE WAY YOU'RE
SAYING THAT, BUT LIVE -- >> HOLD IT.
THAT'S NOT FOR LOSERS. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
A FILM BY PLEASE DON'T DESTROY.
HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST, BAD BUNNY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH. MY NAME IS BENITO, AND I'M VERY
EXCITED TO BE HERE ON -- SABADO GIGANTE
OH, SORRY. SNL, SNL.
PEOPLE ARE WONDERING IF I CAN HOST THIS SHOW BECAUSE ENGLISH
IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE. I DON'T KNOW IF THEY KNOW, BUT I
DO WHATEVER I WANT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH. SO I CAN HOST THIS SHOW IN
ENGLISH. I CAN ORDER McDONALD'S IN
ENGLISH. I CAN HAVE SEX IN ENGLISH.
YEAH. BUT I PREFER SEX IN SPANISH
BECAUSE IT'S JUST BETTER. I JUST PREFER SPANISH, YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW OKAY.
OKAY.
NOT AGAIN, PLEASE. NOT AGAIN.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] EXCUSE ME.
CAN WE CHANGE THAT? CAN WE DO IT RIGHT?
THANK YOU. NOW, MUCH BETTER.
THANK YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T TRUST ON
THIS THING. SO I WANT TO BRING UP MY FRIEND
TO HELP. PEDRO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> SO YOU -- YOU WANT ME TO --
DO YOU WANT ME TO TRANSLATE? >> WHAT?
>> YOU WANT ME TO TRANSLATE?
>> YES.
>> OKAY. HE SAYS I'M BLESSED TO BE HERE
WITH MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PEDRO PASCAL.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
PEDRO. I KNOW.
BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME ADVICE ON MY MONOLOGUE?
>> WELL, I DID HOST LAST SEASON. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHEN YOU'RE DOING A MONOLOGUE, I FIND IT'S ALWAYS
CHARMING WHEN YOU MAKE A SELF-DEPRECATING JOKE.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> OKAY.
IT'S LIKE YOU MAKE A JOKE ABOUT A PART OF YOUR BODY OR YOUR FACE
THAT'S UNFLATTERING. >> I DON'T HAVE ANY.
>> TOTALLY. ME EITHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WORKS? AUDIENCES LOVE IT WHEN YOU SHOW
AN EMBARRASSING PHOTO OF YOURSELF.
>> OKAY. I CAN DO THAT.
>> I'M SORRY. HOW IS THAT EMBARRASSING?
>> BECAUSE I FORGOT TO PUT ON CLOTHES.
>> OKAY. THERE'S CLEARLY NOTHING ABOUT
YOU TO MAKE FUN OF. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL EVERYONE
WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY? >> WELL, I WANT TO SAY I'M VERY
GRATEFUL TO BE HERE. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO
SUPPORTS ME, AND EVERYONE WHO LISTENS TO MY MUSIC.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] WE HAVE AN AMAZING SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. I'M HERE.
STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>>> ALL RIGHT.
HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT, DETROIT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
>> YO, YO, IT'S TIME FOR THE BARMAGEDDON FINAL 23 BATTLE OF THE NIGHT.
WE GOT THE CHALLENGER WALTER WHITE BOY VERSUS THE THREE-TIME CHAMPION, THE SPITTER OF FIRE,
THE CHICO FROM PUERTO RICO, EL FUEGO. SO HOW'S YOUR FLOW FEELING
TONIGHT, FUEGO? >> CALIENTE, POPPY. >> THAT'S WHAT'S UP.
MCs, TAKE A MINUTE, FOCUS UP, AND WE'LL GET THIS THING GOING. >> THERE'S NO WAY I CAN BEAT
FUEGO. >> STOP SPINNING, MAN, YOU GOT THIS.
>> I CAN THINK OF A THOUSAND THINGS THIS DUDE CAN CLOWN ON ME FOR, MAN.
>> HEY, SO CLOWN YOURSELF FIRST. SAY EVERYTHING HE CAN SAY ABOUT YOU BEFORE HE DOES.
SNATCH HIS POWER, MAN. >> YO. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET OUR MCs OVER HERE. COME ON, WALTER WHITE BOY. YOU UP FIRST.
DJ, DROP THAT BEAT. >> YEAH. GET OVER HERE, FUEGO.
YO, FUEGO, TONIGHT I KNOW YOU
EVERYTHING BAD YOU GON' SAY
ABOUT ME, IMMA SAY IT FIRST. YEAH, I'M WHITE TRASH.
YEAH MY JORDANS IS FAKE. YEAH I LIVE WITH MY MOM AND HER
METH HEAD BOYFRIEND JAKE. YEAH WE LIVE IN A BUSTED
WINNABEGO, BUT I'M STILL UP HERE SCREAMING I CAN'T ASCARED OF
YOU, FUEGO. >> OH, DAMN.
WHITE BOY GOT BARS. >> YO WITH, FOR EVERY BAR HE GOT
ON ME, I GOT A DOZEN. LIKE HOW MY FIRST KISS WAS WITH
MY FIRST COUSIN. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND MY SECOND KISS TOO. WE DID ALL THE BASES BECAUSE WE
SECRETLY DATED, BOO. BUT WALTER WHITE BOY, THAT'S
INCEST, THOUGH. >> YEAH, BITCH, I KNOW.
>> MAYBE PULL IT BACK. >> UH-OH, FUEGO.
YOU HAVE BARS ABOUT MY COUSIN? >> I WAS NOT AWARE OF ANY OF
THAT. >> BUT THAT STUFF NOT EVEN HALF
AS BAD AS WHEN MY ASS GOT CAT FISHED BY MY OWN DAD.
IT'S A LONG STORY, SO I WON'T GET DRAMATIC.
ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW IS IT WAS MAD TRAUMATIC.
SO QUESTION, FUEGO, WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT OLD GAME?
HERE'S A BETTER QUESTION, BITCH, WHAT'S MY NAME?
>> I'M SO SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THAT.
>> I SAID, BITCH, WHAT'S MY NAME.
>> IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
>> OKAY. Y'ALL WANT SOME MORE?
>> NOT REALLY. >> I'M KIND OF ENJOYING IT.
>> OH, YEAH. WHITE GUY LIKES IT.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S UP?
YOU WANT SOME MORE? >> NO.
HE CAN JUST WIN. >> OKAY, YEAH, NICE TRY.
NOT SO FAST. HE ABOUT TO PUT MY BODY ON
BLAST. I AIN'T GOT NO BALLS, YO, I
HEARD THAT BEFORE. SO LET'S COUNT MY NUTS, FUEGO,
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. YEAH, I'VE GOT FOUR TESTIES, AND
THE GIRLS DO NOT LOVE IT. WHEN YOU GOT TWO NUTS BELOW YOUR
THING AND TWO NUTS ABOVE IT. >> MAYBE STOP.
>> ALL RIGHT. YO, BUT I'M NOT EMBARRASSED AS A
MATTER OF FACT BECAUSE I ALWAYS GOT FRIENDS WHO ALWAYS GOT MY
BACK. >> THEY LEFT.
>> OKAY. YO, WALTER WHITE BOY JUST SAID
IT ALL. WOW, NOW TELL ME, FUEGO, WHAT
YOU GONNA DO TO ME NOW? >> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
>> MAN, THAT IS SO SWEET OF YOU, FUEGO.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT A GENTLEMAN.
IT'S OBVIOUS, Y'ALL, FUEGO WINS, RIGHT?
FUEGO? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. IT IS TIME FOR THE CLIMACTIC
SHOWDOWN BETWEEN TOMAS PADILLA AND HIS OLDER BROTHER FRANCISCO.
SAVE IT FOR THE CAMERAS, YOU TWO.
IN THIS SCENE, TOMAS WILL CONFRONT FRANCISCO, THEN THE
MAID ENTERS WITH A LETTER THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
OKAY? PLACES.
>> "EL PASION de las PADILLAS" SCENE 12, TAKE ONE.
HAVE FUN, EVERYBODY. >> AND ACTION!
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> YEAH, UM -- [ ATTEMPTING SPANISH]
>> CUT! OKAY.
SOME REALLY GREAT STUFF IN THERE, GUYS.
FRANCISCO, I LOVE IT. >> OH, THANK YOU.
>> NOW, YOUR LINE. >> YEAH, WHAT'S UP?
>> MAYBE SOME PRONUNCIATION ISSUES THERE.
>> OH, THAT MAKES SENSE. I DON'T SPEAK NO SPANISH.
>> YOU DON'T SPEAK SPANISH? >> NO, BUT I ONLY GOT ONE LINE.
I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> "EL PASION de las PADILLAS" SCENE 12 TAKE TWO, B, AS IN BABY
YOU'RE A STAR. >> AND ACTION!
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> YEAH, UM --
[ ATTEMPTING SPANISH] HUH?
LOOK, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A BITCH, BUT ON THE REAL, WHAT THE
HELL AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT? >> I DON'T KNOW.
YOU MADE YOUR LINE LONGER. RANDY, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
THIS WOMAN DOES NOT SPEAK SPANISH.
>> I'M NOT SURE, SIR. THE CASTING CLEARLY SAID LATINA.
>> WHO NOT LATINA? I AM LATINA.
>> OH, YOU ARE? >> YEAH.
MY NAME IS LATINA JEFFERSON. >> OH, MY GOD.
OKAY. WELL, THIS IS CLEARLY NOT GOING
TO WORK. >> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO BREAK INTO THIS BUSINESS, SO CAN WE
GIVE LATINA ONE MORE CHANCE, PLEASE?
>> ALL RIGHT. FINE.
>> "EL PASION de las PADILLAS" SCENE 12, TAKE TWO.
C, AS IN SEIZE THE DAY. >> AND ACTION!
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> UM, EXCUSE ME.
CUT. DID HE JUST CALL ME A NEGRO?
>> NO, NO, NO. NEGRO MEANS BLACK.
>> OH, NO, I KNOW WHAT IT MEAN. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
>> IT'S THE COLOR BLACK, NOT THE PEOPLE BLACK.
>> OH, OKAY. WELL, IT'S GETTING CONFUSING FOR
LATINA. >> OKAY.
STILL ROLLING. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> OH, DAMN, PAPA IS HOT. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> NO! TOMAS.
[ ATTEMPTING SPANISH] >> WHO THE HELL IS THIS?
>> I'M LATINA JEFFERSON, BABY. AND GUESS WHAT, I GOT MY OWN
MONEY, AND I'M MAKING MY OWN DAMN SHOW.
>>> I DON'T KNOW IF I NEED IT. >> HI.
>> HEY. WHOA.
SHREK. >> YEAH, I'M SHREK.
>> COOL. SO IS THIS FOR THE SHOW?
DO YOU WANT TO DO LIKE A SHREK THING?
>> I MEAN, MAYBE. THAT SOUNDS FINE.
>> I GUESS WE COULD WRITE YOU A SHREK SKETCH.
MAYBE SHREK WORKS IN AN OFFICE. >> WELL, SHREK LIVE IN THE
SWAMP. >> RIGHT.
HE LIVE IN THE SWAMP. DO YOU WANT US TO DO A SHREK
SKETCH? >> OR A MOVIE?
>> BROTHER, YOU'RE IN A FULL ASS SHREK COSTUME RIGHT NOW, SO I
THINK YOU WANT TO DO A SHREK THING.
>> YOU SAID SHREK FIRST. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE
COSTUME. >> IS DONKEY COMING?
>> RELAX, MAN.
>> I'M SAYING, I DIDN'T INVITE DONKEY.
DID YOU? >> LET'S START FROM SQUARE ONE.
SO YOU LOVE THE SHREK MOVIES? >> NOT REALLY.
>> I DON'T EVEN CARE. >> I WROTE A SCRIPT.
YOU ARE DONKEY, YOU ARE PUSS IN BOOTS, AND YOU ARE --
>> LET ME GUESS -- >> MICHAEL JACKSON.
>> WHY AM I MICHAEL JACKSON IN YOUR SHREK MOVIE?
>> HE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER. >> SHOULDN'T YOU BE PUSS IN
BOOTS IF ANYONE -- TOTALLY. YOU'RE SHREK.
LET'S READ IT. >> OPEN ON SHREK OFFICE.
>> DUDE, WHEN I SUGGESTED OFFICE, YOU SAID NO BECAUSE
SHREK LIVES IN THE SWAMP. >> MARK, JUST READ THE SCRIPT,
MAN. >> SHREK --
>> DO IT LIKE DONKEY. >> I'M NOT DOING IT LIKE DONKEY.
>> JUST DO IT LIKE DONKEY. >> SHREK!
>> PERFECT. MICHAEL JACKSON ENTERS.
>> I CAN'T DO THIS, MAN. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST FORGET
IT. >> BONITO, WAIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS, HE'S THE HOST.
LET'S DO THIS. >> I AM PUSS IN BOOT.
>> I WANT TO MAKE EVERYONE IN THE SWAMP HAPPY.
>> GOOD, JOHN. I NEVER HAVE A LOVER AS GOOD AS
YOU, DONKEY. >> THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK,
AND I GOT CANCER, SHREK. >> DONKEY, NO!
>> BUT YOU'RE BECOMING MY BEST FRIEND.
>> SHREK. >> SHREK TAKES ONE LAST LOOK AT
HIS FRIENDS. IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
WITH THAT, SHREK DETACHES THE FINAL ESCAPE POD, FALLING INTO
THE SUN. IT EXPLODES INTO SAND.
LOVE. >> OH, MY GOD.
BONITO, THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. >> YOU NEED TO MAKE THIS.
>> EH, I DON|T LIKE IT DON|T LIKE THIS
NEUVA YORK BAD BUNNY!
** * BABY, YO SÉ
QUE CUANDO TE PRUEBE * * YO ME VO'A ENAMORAR
QUE DE ESA CARITA * [ SINGING SPANISH ]
* ENAMORARME DE NUEVO [ SINGING SPANISH ]
* DIABLO MAMI QUÉ BELLAQUERA ME ESTUVISTE MIRANDO *
VO'A TRATAR DE AFUERA * * PERO PA' DENTRO ES QUE VA
MAMI TÚ ME TIENE' * * CON LA NOTA ELEVÁ'
LLEGASTE SOLTERA * * Y TE FUISTE ENJEVÁ'
SE VINO TRES VECE' * * POR ESO NO SE VA EY
AHORA MI ES TUYO * * A MÁS NADIE VO'A DÁRSELO
LOS CULITO' POR AHÍ * * ESO SE CANCELÓ
VAMO' PA' RD * * LA HOOKAH Y EL BARCELÓ
UN PIQUETE * * NADIE VA A TUMBÁRSELO
LOS DEJA EN VISTO * * CHICO PARCE NO
DÉJALO' QUE HABLEN * * NO HAY QUE PREOCUPARSE NO
LA BABY ES SECA * * PERO PA' MOJARSE NO
EY EY EY * * Y SI TÚ QUIERE'
NOS HACEMO' JEVO' * * SÉ QUE TÚ ERE' PELIGRO
PERO YO ME ATREVO * * Y SI TÚ QUIERE'
PA' CASA TE LLEVO * * AUNQUE SEA POR UN RATITO
DESPUÉS SIGO SOLTERO * * BABY YO NO TENGO MIEDO JE
DE PROBARTE Y * * DE ENAMORARME DE NUEVO
QUE SE MAMI YO TE SIGO * * EL JUEGO EY
BIEN LOQUITO EN LA DISCO * * ME PEGO BAILANDO Y
TE BESO EL CUELLO EY * * CONTIGO ME VOY A FUEGO
JEJE * **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
IN WHAT MANY PEOPLE ARE CALLING A HIGH POINT OF HIS TERM,
PRESIDENT BIDEN GAVE MULTIPLE SPEECHES THIS WEEK IN WHICH HE
ISSUED THE SAME STRONG WARNING TO ANYONE THINKING ABOUT
ATTACKING ISRAEL. AND HERE WAS HIS MESSAGE.
>> DON'T.
DON'T.
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.
>> I WON'T. I REALLY LIKE THAT BIDEN ONLY
NEEDS ONE WORD TO GET HIS POINT ACROSS.
HE'S BASICALLY THE GRUT OF PRESIDENTS.
BUT TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF HOW EFFECTIVE DON'T IS, IT'S THE
SAME THING BIDEN SAYS TO HIS DOG RIGHT BEFORE IT BITES ANOTHER
SECRET SERVICE AGENT. ALSO, WHILE HE WAS IN ISRAEL,
BIDEN SAID THE HAMAS ATTACK WAS LIKE, QUOTE, 159/11s.
OKAY, YOU CAN'T GO SOMEWHERE TO CALM PEOPLE DOWN AND THEN START
RATING THINGS IN NUMBERS OF 9/11s.
IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOUR DOCTOR GAVE YOU AMBIEN AND SAID, THIS
WILL MAKE YOU SLEEPIER THAN 20 COSBYS.
>> JIM JORDAN SEEN HERE DESCRIBING HOW HE ATTACKS THE
NIPPLE IS NO LONGER THE NOMINEE FOR HOUSE SPEAKER AFTER
REPUBLICANS DROPPED HIM FRIDAY, WHICH, BY THE WAY, HE'S USED TO,
BECAUSE HE WAS DROPPED A LOT AS A CHILD.
POTENTIAL NEW CANDIDATES FOR SPEAKER INCLUDE TOM EMMER, KEVIN
HERN, JACK BURMAN, AND SIX OTHERS WHO ARE CLEARLY GEORGE
SANTOS. >> AFTER A JUDGE ISSUED A GAG
ORDER AGAINST PRESIDENT TRUMP, TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS THAT THE
JUDGE SAID BASICALLY I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK.
THEN HE ADDED, SHE'S LIKE LITERALLY KILLING ME.
THEN HE YELLED, YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL MOM AND SLAMMED HIS
BEDROOM DOOR. IT HAPPENED.
AND YESTERDAY ON TRUTH SOCIAL, TRUMP POSTED A COURTROOM SKETCH
OF HIM SITTING NEXT TO JESUS. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE GUY WHOSE
TRIAL FAMOUSLY ENDED WELL, IT'S JESUS.
>> RON DeSANTIS REPORTEDLY SPENT $1.5 MILLION ON PRIVATE JETS IN
JUST OVER THREE MONTHS BECAUSE WHEN HE FLIES COMMERCIAL, THEY
MAKE HIM TAKE OFF HIS HEELS IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT SAID SHE WOULDN'T MIND SEEING A CODE
OF CONDUCT INSTITUTED FOR THE SUPREME COURT, WHILE CLARENCE
THOMAS SAID HE WOULDN'T MIND SEEING WHAT SHE'S WORKING WITH
UNDER THAT ROBE. >> NETFLIX IS PLANNING TO OPEN
ITS OWN NETWORK OF BRICK AND MORTAR STORES, WHICH IS LIKE A
SERIAL KILLER WALKING AROUND IN THE SKIN OF HIS VICTIM.
ACCORDING TO A LEAKED EXCERPT FROM HER UPCOMING MEMOIR,
BRITNEY SPEARS SAID SHE GOT PREGNANT WHILE DATING JUSTIN
TIMBERLAKE BECAUSE BACK THEN, EVEN THEIR CONDOMS WERE DENIM.
>> JADA PINKETT SMITH HAS BEEN WAKE MAIKING SOME WAVES WITH
SOME OF THE REVELATIONS IN HER NEW MEMOIR, "WORTHY" HERE TO
COMMENT IS JADA PINKETT SMITH. >> OH, YEAH.
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, MICHAEL.
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THE RED TABLE.
SORRY IF I SEEM A LITTLE TIRED. I'VE BEEN ON THE TODAY SHOW 14
TIMES IN THREE DAYS. >> YOU GETTING A LOT OF BUZZ
FROM YOUR NEW BOOK. YOU REVEALED THAT YOU AND WILL
SMITH HAVE BEEN SEPARATED SINCE 2016.
>> UH-HUH. THAT'S THE TRUTH.
THAT IS THE TRUTH. BUT THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED, I
KNEW THERE WAS GOING TO BE TROUBLE.
AT OUR WEDDING, SOMEONE STOOD UP AND OBJECTED.
>> WHO WAS IT? >> IT WAS ME.
YEAH, IT WAS ME. BUT IT'S OKAY.
23 YEARS LATER, WILL AND I ARE STILL A UNIT.
AND IT'S BECAUSE WE HAVE LEARNED THAT THE SECRET TO A SUCCESSFUL
MARRIAGE IS NEVER GO TO BED HAPPY.
>> AND YOU GUYS DESCRIBED YOUR MARRIAGE AS BRUTIFUL, AS IN
BRUTAL AND BEAUTIFUL. >> YEAH.
AND OTHER PEOPLE DESCRIBE IT AS BRUM-HEALTHY.
BUT WE'RE DOING GREAT, MICHAEL. WE REALLY ARE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A VERY, VERY LONG TIME, I AM IN SUCH A
SOLID AND FORTIFIED PLACE. NOTHING MAKES ME FEEL STRONGER
THAN PUBLICLY CUCKING MY MILLIONAIRE HUSBAND.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY NOT JUST GET A DIVORCE?
>> OH, NO, DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION.
I HAVE PRINCIPALS, MICHAEL. IF WE GOT DIVORCED, HE COULD
MESS AROUND AND END UP HAPPY. AND I CAN'T HAVE THAT.
>> HE CALLED YOUR MARRIAGE A SLOPPY PUBLIC EXPERIMENT IN
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. >> YEAH, UH-HUH.
THAT WAS ACTUALLY IN OUR VOWS. YEAH.
SO ANYWAY, BACK TO TUPAC. >> I NEVER SAID TUPAC.
>> WELL, I CAN'T STOP SAYING TUPAC, ALL RIGHT?
WE WERE SO CLOSE. AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
THIS, BUT BEFORE HE DIED, HE WAS IN THE PROCESS OF LEGALLY
CHANGING HIS NAME TO TUPINKETT. YEAH.
UH-HUH. HE WAS MY SOUL MATE.
YEAH. >> WHAT ABOUT WILL?
YOU SAID IN YOUR BOOK THAT HIM SLAPPING CHRIS ROCK ACTUALLY
BROUGHT YOU CLOSER TOGETHER AS A COUPLE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS
THAT I FELT LIKE HIS WIFE. AND NOW I AM SO CLEAR ON WHAT TO
DO IF WE EVER START DRIFTING APART AGAIN.
>> AND WHAT'S THAT? >> THE NEXT TIME WE HIT A ROUGH
PATCH, I'M GOING TO ASK WILL TO SHOOT KEVIN HART.
>> JADA PINKETT SMITH, EVERYBODY.
>> CALL ME MR. SHICORE, PLEASE.
INTRODUCING SEVERAL NEW FLAVORS INCLUDING KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE,
KETTLE CORN, AND DILL PICKLE. AND IF ANY OF THOSE FLAVORS
SOUND GOOD TO YOU, UH-OH, YOU'RE PREGNANT.
>> NEW YORK CITY HAS ENACTED A NEW LAW REQUIRING PUBLIC SCHOOLS
TO OFFER FREE SWIMMING LESSONS TO SECOND GRADERS, WHICH WILL
COME IN HANDY THE NEXT TIME IT RAINS HERE.
THOUSANDS OF WOMEN HAVE SUED L'OREAL AND REVLON CLAIMING
THEIR HAIR STRAIGHTENERS MADE THEM INFERTILE.
THEY HAVE COUNTERSUITED SAYING, MAYBE IT'S MAYBELENE.
>> A MAN IN TENNESSEE SURVIVED AFTER A STRAY BULLET CAME
THROUGH HIS WINDSHIELD AND ONLY KNOCKED OFF HIS GLASSES.
IT TURNS OUT, HE'S BEAUTIFUL. >> DON'T CLAP FOR THAT.
THIS WEEK -- THIS WEEK, THE WNBA FINALS WERE WON BY THE NEW YORK
LIBERTY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M KIDDING. VEGAS BEAT THEM IN FOUR, YOU
PHONIES. YOU DEPARTMENT SEE THAT GAME.
SHAME ON YOU. A 3-YEAR-OLD GIRL FROM TEXAS HAS
BECOME THE YOUNGEST PERSON EVER TO VISIT ALL 63 U.S. NATIONAL
PARKS. UNFORTUNATELY, IN THE TALONS OF
AN EAGLE. >> YES.
THAT'S TOUGH. A WOMAN COMPLAINING ONLINE ABOUT
A DATE IN WHICH A MAN SNUCK OUT OF THE RESTAURANT AND STUCK HER
WITH THE BILL AFTER WATCHING HER EAT 48 OYSTERS.
AND, LIKE YOU, I WAS COMPLETELY ON HER SIDE UNTIL THE WORDS 48
OYSTERS. >> POLICE SAY A MAN IN NEBRASKA
SNUCK INTO A HOME AND SLEPT WITH A SEX DOLL BELONGING TO A MAN
WHO RECENTLY DIED. WOW, SHE MOVED ON FAST.
ALL RIGHT. >> A MARTIAL ARTIST IN AUSTRALIA
PUNCHED A 7-FOOT TALL KANGAROO THAT WAS TRYING TO DROWN HIS
DOG. AUSTRALIA, WHERE LIFE IS A MAD
LIB. >> A WOMAN IN CALIFORNIA IS
TRYING TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT A RARE ALLERGY SHE HAS TO WATER.
YEAH, I HAVE THAT TOO. IT'S CALLED ALCOHOLISM.
FOR "WEEKEND UP,"
>>> BABE, BEFORE WE GO IN, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU
HAVE NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.
MY MOM'S NOT HERE, AND MY AUNT IS GOING TO LOVE YOU.
>> I KNOW. I'M SO EXCITED.
>> LET'S GO. WE'RE HERE.
>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY. YES.
I LOVE IT. GO OFF, TIA.
>> AND WHO IS SHE? >> UM, THIS IS CASEY.
-- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
-- MY GIRLFRIEND. >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ].
>> THANK YOU. >> DON WORRY ABOUT HER.
SHE'S JUST A LITTLE BIT PROTECTIVE.
BUT IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO MY MOM.
>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MAMA, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
OH, MY GOSH. >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] WHY YOU
DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE HERE AGAIN?
I BREAK YOUR -- I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
I PRAY FOR YOU EVERY MORNING, EVERY NOON, EVERY NIGHT.
I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU.
>> WELL, HEY, IT'S LIKE A FAMILY REUNION IN HERE.
>> WHO? >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] --
GIRLFRIEND. >> HI, MS. FLORES, I DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE, BUT I'M SO EXCITED.
I BROUGHT COOKIES. >> SO THOUGHTFUL TO NOT MAKE
THEM YOURSELF.
COME, SIT. SIT, SIT.
SO, CASEY, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?
>> WELL, CURRENTLY, I AM A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MY DAD'S
NONPROFIT. >> OH, GOOD, BECAUSE NOBODY
LIKES PROFIT. >> MAMA.
>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
-- NEPO BABY. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
TRADER JOE'S. >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] -- FLAT
BUTT. >> OKAY.
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME? >> NO, MY LOVE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER WHITE GIRL WITH FLAT BUTT.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] -- STARBUCKS.
>> OKAY. WELL I JUST -- I WANT YOU GUYS
TO LIKE ME, AND I LOVE LOUISE, AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN REALLY
GOOD FOR HIM, LIKE WHEN HE GOT DIAGNOSED WITH DEPRESSION.
>> OH, CASEY. NO, NO.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DEPRESSION? >> HE DOES NOT HAVE DEPRESSION.
HE JUST LIKE THE DARK. >> MAMA.
>> NO, NO, NO. HE TRIED TO GET IT WHEN HE WAS A
KID. HE SAID, MOMMY, I'M DEPRESSED.
THEN I SAID, DON'T DO THAT. DO SOMETHING ELSE.
>> WELL, DEPRESSION DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK THAT WAY.
>> OH. >> OH.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A DOCTOR WITH THAT THING IN HER
NOSE. >> THIS.
IT'S CALLED A SEPTUM PIERCING. >> I HAVE A PIERCING TOO, EXCEPT
I'M PUTTING IT IN MY EAR WHERE IT BELONGS.
>> MAMA >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] -- WHITE
GRAND CHILDREN. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
-- TYLER AND HAILEY GONZALEZ. >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] --
ORGANIC DEODERANT -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
-- BISEXUAL BARISTA. >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] -- JENNA
ORTEGA, ANA de ARMAS, CARDI B -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
-- GRETA THUNBERG. >> MAMA.
>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] -- BOOTY CALL --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] -- SIDE CHICK.
>> ALL RIGHT. YOU GUYS, I KNOW I'M NOT EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING, BUT CAN WE JUST START OVER AND HAVE
DINNER? I WOULD HATE FOR ALL THIS
DELICIOUS FOOD TO GO TO WASTE. >> HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY
ANYMORE. >> NO.
DON'T DO THIS. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU
YOU DO NOT EAT ENOUGH? >> SHE WANTS TO FEED MY SON.
OH, LOUIS, GIVE ME TYLER, GIVE ME HAILEY.
>> TRAIN TRAFFIC AHEAD. >> MR. DOUGLAS.
>> YES. >> MY NAME IS DARIUS COLE.
I APPLIED FOR THE POSITION AT YOUR FIRM.
>> WELL, WE HAVEN'T MADE A DECISION YET.
AS SOON AS WE DO, WE'LL NOTIFY ALL THE APPLICANTS BY MAIL.
>> WHY IS THIS SEAT WET? >> ABOUT THAT, I DON'T CURRENTLY
HAVE AN ADDRESS. >> I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW.
YOU DON'T HAVE AN ADDRESS? >> NO, SIR.
PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS, I'VE BEEN LIVING OUT OF MY CAR.
>> OH. >> YO, YO, WHAT THE HELL, BRO?
>> I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. >> YEAH.
>> GOT SOME DIRT RIGHT THERE. >> BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS EITHER
PAY THE RENT OR PAY FOR BUSINESS SCHOOL.
>> THAT'S ADMIRABLE, MR. COLE. I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.
GOOD DAY. >> SIR, LOOK.
>> THERE AIN'T ROOM ON HERE FOR THAT.
>> I KNOW I DON'T LOOK THE PART. CHEAP SUIT, SECOND HAND SHOES.
I KNOW YOU GOT A REPUTATION TO PROTECT.
BUT, SIR, I CAN DO THIS JOB. I PROMISE YOU.
>> DO YOU HAVE YOUR RESUME? >> EXCUSE ME, SIR.
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL?
>> HEY! OH, THIS DUDE'S GOT HIS THING
OUT! >> IT'S IMPRESSIVE.
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. BUT I RUN AN INVESTMENT BANK,
MR. COLE, NOT A CHARITY. >> GOOD.
BECAUSE I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT.
>> OH, DAMN, THERE'S A BIG-ASS RAT.
>> JUST A CHANCE. SOMEONE GAVE YOU A CHANCE ONCE,
RIGHT? >> MR. FELDMAN.
HELL OF A BROKER. MEAN SON OF A BITCH.
HE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW. >> I GUESS I'M JUST LOOKING FOR
MY MR. FELDMAN. >> GIVE ME THE DAMN RAT!
>> YOU KNOW, WE GOT 50 HARVARD MBAs OUT FOR THAT JOB.
>> Y'ALL SCARED OF A DAMN RAT. >> YEAH.
I KNOW. I'M GOING TO WORK HARDER THAN
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. >> I'M SORRY, MR. COLE, I CAN'T
HIRE SOMEONE WHO LIVES OUT OF THEIR CAR.
WE'LL HAVE TO PUT YOU IN ONE OF OUR CORPORATE APARTMENTS UNTIL
YOU FIND A PLACE TO STAY. >> SO I GOT THE JOB?
>> WE'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY, 8:00 A.M.
>> I'LL BE THERE AT 7:00. OH, AND, SIR, THANK YOU.
>> HELLO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] **
**
* DIME DIME *
* ESTO ES LO QUE TÚ QUERÍA YO SOY FINO *
* ESTO ES TRAP DE GALERÍA TU ERES UN CHARRO *
* ROCKY THE KID UNA PORQUERÍA *
* YO UN CAMPEÓN ROCKY MARCIANO *
* ROCKY BALBOA ROCKY MAIVIA *
* TENGO LA RUTA TENGO LA VÍA *
* SI TENGO LA VÍA LOS GASTOS DE NOCHE *
* FACTURÓ TODO EL DÍA TANTA PLATA QUE *
* QUE ME GUSTA QUE ME CHAPEEN' *
* POR ESO LE METO A TOA ESTAS ARPÍA *
* USTEDES NO SABEN LO QUE ES ESTA EN ALTA *
* MAR CON 200 CUERO QUE LA AZAFATA *
* TE EN EL CIELO LO QUE ES TIRAR *
* 500 MIL EN EL PUTERO POR ESO TÚ OPINIÓN *
* ME IMPORTA CERO POR ESO TÚ ERES *
* 101 EN EL TOP 100 Y YO ESTOY PRIMERO *
* YA NO SON RAPERO AHORA SON PODCASTEROS *
* MÁS QUE TÚ ESTÁ COBRANDO MI BARBERO *
* Y VIAJANDO EN EL MUNDO ENTERO EH *
* BEBIENDO MUCHA CHAMPAÑA NUNCA ESTAMOS SECO *
* PRIMERO LLEGO VERSTAPPEN DESPUÉS LLEGO CHECO *
* SI PABLO ME VIERA DIRA QUE SOY UN BERRACO *
* USTEDES HABLANDO Y YO Y LOS MÍO EN MÓNACO *
* BEBIENDO MUCHA CHAMPAÑA NUNCA ESTAMOS SECO *
* ESTÁN HABLANDO SOLO ESTÁN HABLANDO CON EL ECO *
* EL SÍGNO DEL DINERO ESE ES MI NUEVO ZODIACO *
* PRENDE UN PURO LA FAMILIA ESTÁ EN MÓNACO *
* HIER ENCORE J'AVAIS VINGT ANS JE CARESSAIS LE TEMPS *
* ET JOUAIS DE LA VIE COMME ON JOUE DE L'AMOUR *
* ET JE VIVAIS LA NUIT SANS COMPTER SUR MES JOURS *
* QUI FUYAIENT DANS LE TEMPS CRÉEME *
* LOS CARROS DE F1 SON MÁS RÁPIDO EN PERSONA *
* SOFÍA VERGARA ES LINDA PERO ES MÁS LINDA *
* EN PERSONA LO QUE TÚ HAGA *
* AMI NO ME IMPRESIONA ES COMO METER UN GOL *
* DESPUÉS DE MESSI Y MARADONA *
* A TI NO TE CONOCEN NI EN TU BARRIO *
* AYER ESTABA CON LEBRON TAMBIÉN CON DICAPRIO *
* ME PREGUNTARON QUE COMO ME FUE EN LOS ESTADIO *
* HABLAMOS DE LA FAMILIA Y TEMAS DE MILLONARIO *
* DIGO MULTIMILLONARIO DIGO HE DE BILLONARIO *
* HACE RATO SIN QUE ME TIENE LA RADIO *
* HACE RATO ME QUITE DEL TRAP *
* YO SE LO DEJÉ A ELADIO UY *
* HE QUERIDO DIARIO *
* HOY ME DEPOSITARON EN LOS GRAMMYS NOMINARON *
* OTRA VE ME CRITICARON Y NINGUNA ME IMPORTARON *
* YO SIGO TRANQUILO EN LA MÍA *
* DON VITO DON BENO DE LOS BEATLES *
* JOHN LENNON A MIS NIETOS CUANDO MUERA *
* LE VOY A DEJAR 100 TERRENO A TOA' MIS DOÑAS LAS *
* POMPIS Y LOS SENO' A MIS HATERS UN F40 *
* SIN LOS FRENOS PA QUEEEE' *
* PA QUE SE ESTRELLEN HE *
* PA QUE SE MATEN ROJO BLANCO NEGRO MATE *
* CUAL TÚ QUIERES PA QUE *
* PA QUE SE ESTRELLEN PA QUE SE MATEN *
* QUE EN PAZ DESCANSEN YO SIGO EN EL YATE EY *
* BEBIENDO MUCHA CHAMPAÑA NUNCA ESTAMOS SECO *
* PRIMERO LLEGO VERSTAPPEN DESPUÉS LLEGO CHECO *
* SI PABLO ME VIERA DIRA QUE SOY UN BERRACO *
* USTEDES HABLANDO Y YO Y LOS MÍO EN MÓNACO *
* BEBIENDO MUCHA CHAMPAÑA NUNCA ESTAMOS SECO *
* ESTÁN HABLANDO SOLO ESTÁN HABLANDO CON EL ECO *
* EL SÍGNO DEL DINERO ESE ES MI NUEVO ZODIACO *
* PRENDE UN PHILLIE LA FAMILIA ESTÁ EN MÓNACO *
* HIER ENCORE J'AVAIS VINGT ANS JE CARESSAIS LE TEMPS *
* ET JOUAIS DE LA VIE COMME ON JOUE DE L'AMOUR *
* ET JE VIVAIS LA NUIT SANS COMPTER SUR MES JOURS *
* QUI FUYAIENT DANS LE TEMPS *
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> SISTERS, SISTERS, GATHER AROUND AT ONCE.
I HAVE SOME VERY DISTURBING NEWS.
IS EVERYONE PRESENT? SISTER FILAMENA?
>> SISTER GENEVIEVE. >> YEAH, I'M WITH IT.
>> SISTER CATHERINE. >> MISSING.
JK, TOTALLY HERE. >> SISTER MARY.
>> PRE-SENT. >> AND SISTER TERESA.
>> I AM HERE. >> GOOD.
NOW, I AM SORRY FOR DISRUPTING OUR MORNING PRAYERS, BUT
SOMETHING VERY UPSETTING HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION.
>> YOU FOUND MY CANE AND ABLE FAN FIC?
>> WHAT? NO.
I'M AFRAID THERE HAS BEEN A MAN POSING AS A NUN HIDING AMONGST
US IN ORDER TO SLEEP WITH OTHER NUNS.
>> WHAT? OH, NO.
THIS IS HORRIBLE. >> I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE
WOULD VIOLATE OUR TRUST AND OUR SACRED COVENANT WITH GOD.
>> I KNOW. I KNOW.
THIS IS SO RUDE WHOEVER IS DOING THAT.
YOU ARE VERY BAD. STOP IT.
>> YEAH. I BET.
THEY'RE BAD. AND SO, SO GOOD.
>> I BET THEY CAN'T DO IT AGAIN IN THE GARDEN RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.
>> I'LL TAKE THAT BET. >> SISTERS, NO GAMBLING.
WE NEED TO FOCUS ON FINDING THE MAN HIDDEN AMONGST US AND FORCE
HIM TO REINDEPENDENT. >> YEAH, HE NEED TO REPENT ME
OVER THE DINING ROOM TABLE AGAIN.
>> WHAT WAS THAT, SISTER GENEVIEVE?
>> I SAID PRESENT. >> AND I SAID PRESENT ME WITH
THAT WEANER AGAIN, AND YOU CAN CALL ME JOEY CHESTNUT WITH HOW
FAST I GOBBLE IT DOWN. >> SISTERS, CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS
ON THE EVIL MAN TRYING TO CORRUPT OUR PRECIOUS VIRGIN
SOULS? >> CERTAINLY, THIS MAN OR WOMAN
IS CLEARLY SO SEXY THAT EVEN GOD CANNOT STOP HIM.
WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE VIRGINS.
SPEND TIME WITH THE VIRGINS, GIVE THE VIRGINS EVERYTHING WE
GOT. >> BESIDES, I HEARD GOD CAN'T
SEE IT AS LONG AS YOU DO IT IN THE BELL TOWER AND THE MAN USES
HIS PENIS TO RING THE BELL AND YELL DING DONG.
>> SADLY, DING DONG IS WHAT I HEAR ALSO ABOUT THAT MAN.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS NOT MORE OUTRAGED.
WHOEVER IS AGREEING TO HAVE S-E-X WITH THIS MAN IS JUST AS
GUILTY AS HE IS. >> YEAH.
OR MAYBE THERE'S ONE NUN WHO'S GETTING NONE.
>> EXCUSE ME? >> YEAH.
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A LITTLE STRING BEAN AND WHEN HE
TRIED TO HIT THE BELL WITH HIS PENIS, IT DOESN'T GO DING DONG,
IT GOES WHOMP WHOMP. >> THAT IS ENOUGH!
I'LL GIVE HIM ONE FINAL CHANCE TO CONFESS.
>> YEAH, CONFESS! WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU BEAUTIFUL
MONSTER, YOU SEXUAL KING, JUST ADMIT WHAT YOU DID.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> FINE.
I CONFESS. IT WAS ME.
I WITH US THE ONE WHO CORRUPTED THESE POOR WOMEN WITH MY LIPS
AND MY HIPS, AND I WAS THE ONE WHO RANG THE BELL WITH MY PENIS
AND YELLED DING DONG. >> SISTER KEVIN, HOW COULD YOU
BETRAY US LIKE THIS? >> I KNOW.
THIS IS PROBABLY THE WORST SEX SCANDAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE
CHURCH. BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
BEFORE I GOT HERE, ALL THESE SISTERS JUST FUMBLED, "OUR
FATHER", AND NOW THEY ARE SCREAMING, "OH, GOD".
>> SISTER KEVIN, I'M AFRAID YOU MUST LEAVE THIS CONVENT AT ONCE.
>> BUT, PLEASE, MOTHER SUPERIOR. >> CAN'T HE STAY AND SLEEP WITH
US FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS? >> IT IS ALMOST HALLOWEEN.
>> YEAH, PLEASE. >> WELL, I SUPPOSE WE ARE IN A
VERY ISOLATED PART OF AUSTRIA, AND IT IS ALMOST HALLOWEEN.
OH, F IT. WHY NOT.
SISTER KEVIN CAN STAY. >> NOW LET'S GO, SISTERS.
I THINK I'M READY FOR THE SECOND COMING.
>>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, GLAD WE'RE ALL HERE.
OUR COMPANY BURT'S BEES IS BEING ACQUIRED BY JERGENS, WHICH IS
OWNED BY AVEENO, WHICH IS OWNED BY YOPLAIT, SO IT'S GOING TO BE
A NEW CHAPTER. >> I THINK IT'S EXCITING.
>> YOU WOULD. >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> SORRY. I'M ON ONE THIS MORNING.
>> WE NEED TO MAKE SURE WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE ABOUT OUR
STRATEGY BEFORE WE MEET WITH THEIR PEOPLE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT TODAY, SO BUCKLE UP.
>> BEFORE WE START, CAN I SAY ONE THING?
>> SURE, ENRIQUE, OF COURSE. >> I JUST WANT TO SAY TO
EVERYONE THAT MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING MARRIED.
>> AW. >> CONGRATS.
>> YEAH, CONGRATS, ENRIQUE, THAT'S AWESOME, MAN.
>> THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHT.
SO WHEN COMPANIES GET BOUGHT OUT, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS
THEY LOOK AT IS STAFF SIZE. >> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
LAYOFFS? >> I HOPE NOT.
>> THEY USUALLY GET RID OF THE OLD CEO.
>> OKAY. HA-HA- VERY FUNNY.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. >> CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING
ABOUT IT? >> SURE, ENRIQUE, GO AHEAD.
>> HE IS A VERY NICE MAN. >> THAT'S GREAT.
>> YEAH, WONDERFUL. >> GREAT.
>> YEAH. THAT'S AWESOME, MAN.
I LOVE THAT. GLAD YOU LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER'S
FIONCE. YOU'RE ALL MAKING ME NERVOUS
LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO GET RID OF ME.
>> MAYBE THEY'RE LOOKING TO DIVERSIFY THE LEADERSHIP ROLES.
>> UH-OH, DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
>> EXCUSE ME? >> I'M JOKING.
I'M TOTALLY JOKING. >> CAN I SAY ONE MORE LITTLE
THING? >> YEAH.
GO AHEAD, ENRIQUE. >> HIS NAME IS JEFF.
>> THAT'S AWESOME, MAN. HIS NAME IS JEFF, YEAH.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD, ENRIQUE, BUT YOU KNOW PEOPLE'S
JOBS ARE ON THE LINE HERE. >> NOT JEFF.
HE WORKS AT GOOGLE. >> OKAY.
WELL, LUCKY HIM. >> NO, LUCKY ME.
>> ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
LET'S TALK IN PAIRS, COME UP WITH IDEAS.
WE WANT TO RETAIN AS MANY PEOPLE AS WE CAN, SO WE NEED A GOOD
PITCH HERE. >> SHE JUST DON'T HAVE THE BEE
EXPERTISE. THE MORE WE HANDLE OURSELVES,
THE BETTER THEY'LL DO. >> WRITE THAT DOWN.
>> OUR SALES ARE GREAT. WE'RE IN EVERY DRUGSTORE YOU CAN
THINK OF. >> THEY WERE FRIENDS WHEN THEY
WERE KIDS. THEY DRIFTED APART, AND THEN
THEY CAME BACK TOGETHER. >> WELL, THAT'S ADORABLE.
>> I MEAN, YOU CAME UP WITH THE FOOT SCRUB.
YOU HAVE TO STAY. >> AND YOU BROUGHT IN
EXFOLIATING. THAT'S HUGE.
>> MY SPEECH IS FUNNY, BUT NICE FUNNY.
>> THAT'S HOW YOU GOT TO DO IT. >> ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
LET'S COME BACK. WHAT DID WE ALL COME UP WITH?
WHAT QUESTIONS DO WE NEED TO ANSWER TODAY?
>> WELL, OUR BIGGEST QUESTION RIGHT NOW IS BAND OR DJ BECAUSE
THE DJ IS CHEAPER, BUT THE BAND --
>> THE BAND IS LIKE WHOA. >> OKAY, GUYS, LET'S FOCUS HERE.
ENRIQUE, WHAT WAS OUR OVERHEAD FOR THE PAST FOUR QUARTERS?
>> I DON'T KNOW. DON'T ASK ME.
>> WELL, YOU'RE OUR ACCOUNTANT, BUD.
I DON'T KNOW WHO ELSE TO ASK. LOOK, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU,
BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE A LITTLE DISTRACTED, ENRIQUE.
>> AND WHY SHOULDN'T HE BE? HE'S HAPPY.
>> BECAUSE OUR COMPANY IS ON THE LINE.
>> JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER CAN'T KEEP A MAN.
>> SHE'S 6. >> WELL, SHE'S TALL.
I DIDN'T KNOW. >> GUYS, GUYS.
THIS IS IMPORTANT. OUR COMPANY IS BELOVED, OKAY?
WE GRIND UP BEES AND TURN IT INTO CHAPSTICK.
PEOPLE LOVE THAT. SO WHEN THOSE SUITS FROM JERGENS
COME IN HERE AND THEY SAY, SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOU HAVE
TO LAY OFF 30% OF YOUR STAFF, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO SAY?
>> WE'RE GOING TO SAY NO. >> NOT TODAY.
>> BECAUSE HIS DAUGHTER'S GETTING MARRIED.
>> YEAH. SO WE'RE NOT DOING ALL OF THAT.
>> BECAUSE WE HAVE A WEDDING TO PAY FOR.
>> BECAUSE WE ARE A FAMILY. >> AND IF JERGENS HAS A PROBLEM
WITH THAT -- >> THEN THEY CAN GO STRAIGHT TO
HELL. RIGHT, ENRIQUE?
>> CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING? >> YEP.
>> MY SON IS HAVING A BABY. >> YES, ENRIQUE!
>> YEA!
PASCAL. THANK YOU TO MICK JAGGER, AND
LADY GAGA. WELL, THANK YOU TO LORNE AND
EVERYONE AT SNL. I HAD A GREAT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT. I HOPE THAT YOU LIKED IT AND YOU
ENJOYED IT. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]