[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M WOLF BLITZER. AND IF I TAKE MY GLASSES OFF, I'M BEAUTIFUL.
LATER IN THE PROGRAM, I'LL HAVE A LIVE CONVERSATION WITH ELON MUSK, SO GO AHEAD AND SELL YOUR
TESLA STOCK NOW. AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT HIS SOCIAL MEDIA SITE X AND THEIR ONLY
REMAINING ADVERTISER, SPIRIT AIRPLANES, WHO'S SLOGAN IS ALSO GO F YOURSELF.
FIRST, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS AT THE CAPITOL WHERE DISGRACED AND NOW EXPELLED CONGRESSMAN GEORGE
SANTOS. IS GIVING HIS FINAL PRESS CONFERENCE.
>> OKAY. ENOUGH. ENOUGH, ENOUGH.
EVERYONE, STOP ASSAULTING ME. I'M BEING ASSAULTED. THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY HAS BEEN
BULLYING ME JUST BECAUSE I'M A PROUD, GAY THIEF. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
AMERICA HATES TO SEE A LATINA QUEEN WINNING. SINCE THE DAY I WAS ELECTED,
IT'S BEEN A WITCH HUNT, BUT IF I'M GUILTY OF ANYTHING, IT'S FOR LOVING TOO MUCH/FRAUD.
NOW I'M SURE YOU BLOOD THIRSTY JACKALS IN THE MEDIA HAVE A THOUSAND MEAN NASTY QUESTIONS
YOU'RE DYING TO ASK ME. GO. >> YOU CALLED THIS PRESS
CONFERENCE. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS. >> WELL, AMERICA NEEDS CLOSURE.
ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE SONS, ME, HAS BEEN CUT DOWN IN THE PRIME OF HIS LIFE AT 17 YEARS OLD.
AND FOR, WHAT? SO THE GOVERNMENT CAN GO BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL?
WELL, I DON'T DO USUAL, AND I DO BUSINESS AS DR. TONY GOLDMAN. OKAY.
WHO'S NEXT? YOU. NAME AND ROUTING NUMBER.
>> NO. SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING THE ONLY -- ONLY THE SIXTH
CONGRESSMAN EVER EXPELLED FROM OFFICE? >> OH, BIG WHOOP.
YOU THINK I NEED THIS? YOU THINK I NEED ANY OF YOU? >> YOU FOLLOWED ME HOME AND
BEGGED ME TO ASK YOU MORE QUESTIONS. >> OKAY.
FINE. YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT I'M LOST, THAT I'M HUMILIATED?
FINE, SO I'M NO LONGER CONGRESSMAN SANTOS. I'M REGULAR OLD PROFESSOR MAY
JON GENERAL ASTRONAUT SANTOS, PROTECTOR OF THE REALM, PRINCESS OF GENOVIA.
IS BEING EXPELLED AND PROSECUTED FOR 23 FELONIES A SETBACK? SURE.
BUT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T LET IT RUIN MY KWANZAA. OKAY.
NEXT QUESTION. YOU, GIVE ME YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME AND CHILDHOOD PET.
>> KELLOGG AND GREEN BEAN. DAMN IT! >> EXTREMELY HELPFUL.
THANK YOU. >> WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ALL YOUR COLLEAGUES IN THE HOUSE
WHO VOTED TO EXPEL YOU? >> YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? TO HELL WITH CONGRESS.
I DON'T NEED THEM ANYWAY BECAUSE MY NEW MOVIE OPENED THIS WEEKEND.
IT'S CALLED RENAISSANCE, A FILM BY BEYONCE. >> BUT YEARS FROM NOW, DO YOU
WORRY ABOUT HOW YOU'LL BE REMEMBERED IN HISTORY? >> FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE CUTE.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE FROM A REAL NEWSPAPER.
>> HUFF PO. >> SEE. I KNEW IT.
AND IN TERMS OF HISTORY, I KNOW HOW I'LL BE REMEMBERED, AS A MARTYR, AS A CHAMPION OF THE
PEOPLE. THEY'LL THINK OF ME AS THE MODERN PRINCESS DIANA AND THE
MODERN MARILYN MONROE, WHICH IS WHY I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO SING A TRIBUTE TO MYSELF.
* GOOD-BYE CONGRESS QUEEN, THOUGH THEY NEVER KNEW ME AT ALL 'CUZ I LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING IN
MY LIFE WHEN I TOOK A TRAGIC FALL * * THEY CRAWLED OUT OF THE
WOODWORK, THEY WHISPERED HE USED MY DONATIONS FOR BOTOX, AND I SAID IT WAS FILLERS, SLUT *
* AND I'M NOT A BITCH CAN CLAW, AND IT SEEMS TO ME I LIVED MY LIFE LIKE A SCANDAL IN THE
WIND * * NEVER KNOWING WHO TO CLING TO WHEN THE LAW CLOSED IN *
* AND I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE KNOWN YOU, BUT I'M A DIFFERENT GUY *
* MY NAME IS CARLOS DUNKEN HEINS, DON'T LOOK ME UP, I DIED *
* CONGRESS STUFF IS TOUGH, IT'S THE TOUGHEST JOB I EVER HAD, AND I WAS A NEUROSURGEON AT NYU,
PLUS I HAVE THE JOB OF DAD * >> I'M SORRY. DID YOU JUST PULL A FAKE BABY
OUT OF A PIANO? >> MAGIC. * OKAY, SO I LIED, SO I TOLD A
COUPLE LITTLE FIBS LIKE WHERE I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE AND ALL MY JOBS AND HOW I'M
SOMETHING CALLED JU --ISH * >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? >> IT MEANS MUSLIM.
* AND IT SEEMS TO ME I LIVED MY LIFE LIKE AN EVIL FOREST GUMP, I'M THE GUY WHO LIED EVEN TOO
MUCH FOR DONALD TRUMP * * AND YOU ALL GOT TO LAUGH AT ME, AND I SAY LUCKY YOU, MY
CANDLE BURNED OUT LONG BEFORE I COULD FLEE TO PERU * * AND YOU CAN BLOW ME ALL YOU
WANT, BUT I'LL NEVER LOSE MY LIGHT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT *
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- NOAH KAHAN.
AND YOUR HOST -- EMMA STONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK. IT'S MY FIFTH TIME HOSTING SNL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE SHOW, AND SINCE I
STARTED HOSTING, IT'S ALSO BECOME JUST A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE.
AND I HAVE MADE SO MANY MEMORIES HERE AND SO MANY FRIENDS, AND I EVEN MET MY HUSBAND AT SNL.
AND I KNOW HE'S PRETTY CAMERA SHY. HE'S NOT A PERFORMER, BUT IT'S
SUCH A SPECIAL NIGHT FOR US, I WOULD LOVE FOR THE CAMERAS TO CUT TO HIM IF THAT'S OKAY.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HONEY. THANK YOU. I'M SO HONORED TO BE JOINING THE
SNL FIVE-TIMERS CLUB. >> DID SOMEBODY SAY -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NO, NOBODY SAID MEAN GIRLS. >> WELL, EITHER WAY, EMMA, WELCOME TO THE FIVE-TIMERS CLUB.
AT 35 YEARS OLD, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE YOUNGEST MEMBER. I AM THE SECOND YOUNGEST AT 53.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT IN THERE. A FEW YEARS AGO, THEY EVEN ADDED
A WHOLE WOMEN'S SECTION. IT WAS ACTUALLY CAN -- CANDICE BERGEN'S IDEA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WOW. CANDICE, YOU CREATED THE
FIVE-TIMERS WOMEN'S CLUB SECTION? WHAT'S IT LIKE IN THERE?
>> IT'S GOT EVERYTHING. SHOWERS, A LOCKER ROOM, A BIG PORTRAIT WITH THE EYES CUT OUT
SO MARTIN SHORT CAN PEEK IN. >> BUT DID YOU WANT THE PORTRAIT WORK BOTH WAYS?
CAN YOU PEEK INTO THE GUY'S SECTION? >> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
I LOOKED IN THERE ONCE AND SAW A CREEPY VENTRILOQUIST. >> NO.
THAT'S JOHN MULANEY. CANDICE, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF WHAT YOU BUILT.
>> I AM. THE WOMEN'S SECTION STARTED OUT AS A SMALL, QUIET PLACE TO CRY,
BUT OVER THE YEARS, IT BECAME A BIG LUXURIOUS PLACE TO CRY. >> WOW.
SO IT WASN'T AROUND WHEN YOU WERE HERE, TINA? >> NO.
THINGS WERE DIFFERENT IN THE 2010s. NETWORK TV WAS IN ITS HEYDAY.
MY SHOW 30 ROCK WAS WATCHED BY 6 MILLION PEOPLE. >> 6 MILLION PEOPLE A WEEK?
WAS THAT A LOT? >> AT THE TIME, NO. BUT TODAY, NO.
>> ANYWAY, EMMA, THIS IS YOUR DAY. YOU'RE PART OF SNL HERSTORY.
>> NOW IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR OFFICIAL FIVE-TIMERS CLUB JACKET.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WELCOME TO THE FIVE-TIMERS CLUB.
>> THANK YOU. THIS IS AMAZING. THIS HONESTLY -- OH, NO.
THIS HAS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE SINCE I WAS A KID, AND IT MEANS SO MUCH THAT I GET TO SHARE THIS
MOMENT WITH YOU GUYS. THANK YOU. THIS IS -- IS THIS A JOINT?
>> OH, THAT MUST BE WOODY HARRELSON'S JACKET. >> THERE'S ALSO A VACCINE CARD
IN HERE. >> OH, THEN IT'S DEFINITELY NOT WOODY'S.
>> WELL, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. NOAH KAHAN IS HERE, SO STICK
AROUND, AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
QUESTION QUEST. >> WELCOME TO QUESTION QUEST. I'M YOUR HOST, JOE VIBIN.
LET'S MEET OUR QUESTESTANTS. FIRST UP, SHE'S A QUIZ BOWL CHAMPION FROM COLUMBIA
UNIVERSITY. IT'S JEN COCHRAN. >> CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY.
>> SHE'S THE OLDEST WOMAN IN THE NAVY. MICHELLE JOHNSON.
>> I WORK AT OLD NAVY. I'M 33. >> LAST UP, A SECURITY GUARD AT
A CEREAL FACTORY, ANGELA BAITS. >> THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS, AND THEY AIN'T GONNA GET
THEM. >> I LIKE THAT. THE QUESTION IS, WHO INVENTED
THE COTTON GIN IN 1793. JEN? >> ELI WHITNEY?
>> THAT'S RIGHT. JACK, TELL HER ABOUT HER PRIZE. >> OH, WOW AFTER ONE QUESTION?
NICE. >> CONGRATULATIONS, JEN, YOU'VE WON SPEEDY.
SPEEDY IS A 37-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE, ONE OF THE LARGEST SPECIES OF TORTOISE IN THE
WORLD. IT'S SPEEDY. CONGRATULATIONS, JEN.
>> WAIT. I WON A TORTOISE? >> SURE DID.
AND I'LL MISS HIM. HE'S BEEN MINE SINCE I WAS 6 YEARS OLD, AND NOW HE'S YOURS.
CONGRATS. >> HE'S YOUR TORTOISE? >> NO.
HE'S YOUR TORTOISE. >> SO YOU GOT HIM LIKE 25 YEARS AGO?
HOW LONG DOES A TORTOISE LIVE? >> THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION. HOW LONG DOES A TORTOISE LIVE?
MICHELLE? >> 100 YEARS? >> NO.
ANGELA? >> IS IT A CORN OR FLOUR TORTOISE?
>> I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF A TORTILLA. JEN?
>> IT CAN'T BE MORE THAN 100 YEARS. >> MORE THAN 100 YEARS IS
CORRECT. 150 TO 190 TO BE EXACT. >> IT LIVES FOR 10 YEARS?
>> MAYBE MORE. EVERYONE WHO STUDIES THEM DIES BEFORE THEY DO.
YOU'RE ON A ROLL, JEN. JACK, WHAT'S HER PRIZE? >> YOU'VE WON A LARGE CRATE OF
LETTUCE AND PEPPER TO PROVIDE UP TO ONE WEEK OF MEALS FOR SPEEDY, A 37-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE GIVE TO
YOUR HOST BY HIS FATHER WHEN HE WAS 6 YEARS OLD, LOCKING HIM INTO A 190-YEAR CONTRACT, A
CONTRACT THAT NOW BELONGS TO YOU. >> I'M NOT SURE I CAN TAKE CARE
OF A TORTOISE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. >> THEN KILL HIM, TOUGH GUY.
YOU WON'T. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS.
WHO BROKE ROGER MARIS' RECORD FOR THE MOST HOME RUNS IN AN MLB SEASON?
MICHELLE? >> ST. LOUIS NATIVE HERE. THAT WOULD BE MARK McGUIRE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> OH, THANK GOD. DOES SHE GET THE TORTOISE?
>> LET'S SEE. JACK, TELL HER WHAT SHE'S WON. >> THREE CARS.
TAKE ALL THREE. CONGRATULATIONS, MICHELLE. >> THAT IS NOT FAIR.
>> FINE. I'LL GIVE MICHELLE AND ANGELA A CHANCE TO STEAL SPEEDY AWAY FROM
YOU. ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS ANSWER ONE QUESTION RIGHT.
WHAT DO THESE TWO MEN HAVE IN COMMON? CHARLES DARWIN AND STEVE ERWIN.
>> THEY BOTH STUDIED ANIMALS. >> YES, BUT NOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
>> SAME COLOR PENIS. >> PROBABLY. BUT NOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
>> JEN? >> I AM NOT GUESSING ANYMORE. >> WHO CARES.
THE ANSWER IS THEY BOTH OWNED THE SAME TORTOISE. >> WHAT?
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. >> IT SHOULD BE. IT REALLY SHOULD BE.
BUT IT'S NOT. BOTH STEVE IRWIN AND CHARLES DARWIN OWNED A TORTOISE NAMED
HAIR YET WHO LIVED FOR 175 YEARS. IS THAT NOT SOMETHING?
>> DAMN. IF I WON THAT LITTLE DINOSAUR, I COULD START MY OWN JURASSIC
PARK. AND IT COMES WITH A SIDE SALAD? YOU GOT IT MADE.
>> THE IT'S YOURS. >> THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S PLAYED.
ANGELA, SINCE YOU LIKE SPEEDY, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU 12 CHANCES TO GOT IT BACK.
WHICH OF SANTA'S REINDEER HAS A RED NOSE? >> DUMBER, DOPPY?
>> NO. >> ALL RIGHT. ADOLF.
ADOLF THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. >> REALLY CLOSE. >> I CAN'T -- I CAN'T READ THAT.
WHAT'S THAT SAY? >> RUDOLPH. >> RUDOLPH IS RIGHT!
NICE JOB, JEN. >> NO! >> YES!
SPEEDY IS ALL YOURS. >> WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? >> BECAUSE IT WAS DONE TO ME.
I WOULD SAY JOIN US NEXT WEEK, BUT THIS WAS THE FIRST AND LAST EPISODE OF QUESTION QUEST.
I'M GOING TO START MY NEW LIFE. GOOD NIGHT.
* SOMETIMES I CAN BARELY FIND THE STRENGTH TO GET OUT OF BED * * WHEN THE WORLD FEELS SO COLD
AND DARK AND I CAN'T PUT THE PAST OUT OF MY HEAD * * WHEN I'M FEELING ALL ALONE,
CAN'T MAKE IT ON MY OWN, AND I SEEM SO CLOSE TO GIVING UP * * WHEN THERE'S DARKNESS ALL
AROUND, AND I'M FEELING REALLY DOWN, THERE'S JUST ONE THING IN THE WORLD THAT CAN CHEER ME UP *
* RIDING IN THE BACK OF A GARBAGE TRUCK FULLY NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY AT 11:00
A.M. * * WITH MY ASS HANGING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF BROADWAY *
* DOING HARD WORK MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE THAT'S WHY I'M FLINGING BLACK BAGS AND ONLY WEARING
GLOVES * * IN CASE THERE'S SHARP STUFF IN THE TRASH *
* AND I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE FREE THAN WHEN MY BIG WHITE ASS IS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE *
* THIS TIME OF YEAR, THE DAYS ARE GETTING SHORTER, AND I JUST FEEL LIKE I COULD CRY *
* AND I KNOW IT MAY BE HARD TO BELIEVE BUT EVEN LATIN GUYS GET SAD SOMETIMES *
* WHEN NO LIGHT IS GETTING THROUGH AND I'M FEELING REALLY BLUE THERE'S JUST ONE THING LEFT
THAT I CAN DO * * WORKING ALL DAY ON A CONSTRUCTION SITE FULLY NAKED IN
THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY POURING CONCRETE IN THE GROUND * * EATING LUNCH SPREAD EAGLE ON A
RUSTY I-BEAM, BOUNCING AS I MOVE A BIG PILE OF RUBBLE IN A WHEELBARROW *
* WEARING ONLY A HELMET GETTING SUN BURNED ON MY ASS BUT MY NIPPLES ARE HARD 'CUZ IT'S
FREEZING COLD OUT * * THROWING THE RECYCLING IN WITH THE GARBAGE SNOENT
* CHAFING AS TRAFFIC TOP BUTT NAKED IN NEW YORK * * PULLING LEAVES OUT OF A SUER
WITH MY BUTT TO THE HEAVENS * * RUBBING MY BODY ON A BED BUG MATTRESS, TAKING OFF GRAFFITI
AND MY CHEST IS JIGGLIN' * * SQUATTING AS I TRY TO CATCH RATS 'CUZ WHEN THE WORLD HAS GOT
YOU DOWN YOU CAN ALWAYS TURN YOUR LUCK AROUND IF YOU JUST * * RIDE ON THE BACK OF A GARBAGE
TRUCK FULLY NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY AT 11:00 A.M. * * SQUISHING MY TOES IN A MYSTERY
LIQUID, DOING HARD WORK IN THE MIDDLE OF MIDTOWN HELPING MAKE THIS CITY THE BEST *
* AND I'VE GOT WIND BURN ON MY CHEEKS BUT I'M TOTALLY AS EASE WHEN MY BIG FAT ASS IS FLAPPING
IN THE BREEZE *
DONE * >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO THE PINE RIVER LODGE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING 2023.
>> COME ON, TREESE, LET'S START THE SHOW. >> WE WILL TURN IT OUT FOR SURE.
BUT FIRST, MY LOWER BACK IS KILLING ME ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY COCCYX.
DOES ANYONE HERE TONIGHT HAPPEN TO HAVE A DOAN'S PILL? JUST A SINGLE DOAN'S BACK PILL?
IT COULD BE SITTING IN THE DEEPEST CORNER OF YOUR PURSE OR THE DEEPEST PART OF YOUR JEAN.
DO WE REMEMBER DOAN'S? I'M TALKING TO YOU, AUDIENCE. DO YOU NOT HEAR?
>> THEY DON'T GOT 'EM, BABE. >> FINE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS MYSELF.
LET'S GO! * TWEEDLE DEE DECK, TWEEDLE DEE HALLS, TIME TO MEET SANTA AT THE
CHRISTMAS MALL * ALL RIGHT. LET'S MEET THE BAND.
ON KEYBOARDS, IT'S CHARLIE DARKEN, WHO'S ABOUT TO GET HITCHED.
WHAT DAY IS THE WEDDING AGAIN? >> IT WAS LAST MONTH. >> WELL, I CAN'T WAIT.
** AND ON RENTED TRUMPET THAT WE CLEARLY CANNOT RETURN, PLEASE
GIVE IT UP FOR SHEILA FOODS. >> MY JOB IS TO BLOW THIS. **
>> WHOO! FIRE, SHEILA FOODS. THAT WAS FIRE.
YES. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE A 180 FROM LAST NIGHT.
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> WELL, YOU SAT STRAIGHT UP IN
BED AND YOU SAID, WHAT HAVE I DONE, HAVE I LOST ALL MY MORALS, AND THEN IN THE BUFFET, YOU WERE
CRYING ALL OVER THE CANTALOUPE. >> I DON'T WANT THE TALK ABOUT THAT.
PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR THE CHRISTMAS SHOW. >> LET THE LADY HAVE HER
SECRECIES. >> NEITHER OF YOU HAVE DADDIES, AND I'M TRYING TO ASSUME THAT
ROLE. * DO YOUR CHRISTMAS PAJAMAS GIVE YOU CAMEL TOE *
>> ALWAYS. >> OH, MY GOD. A CELL PHONE?
OH, THAT'S DISRESPECTING THE MUSIC, MAN. >> NO, IT'S ME.
OH, IT'S THE FRONT DESK. HELLO? WHAT?
IN OUR ROOM? >> WHAT'S IN OUR ROOM? CHOCOLATE?
>> OH, MANY I GOD. WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE? >> HE WHO?
WHO IS THE HE IN OUR ROOM? >> HE FLOODED THE ROOM, AND HE WON'T LEAVE.
DAMN YOU, JEROME. >> YOU'RE INSANE EX? BUT HE'S INCARCERATED.
>> BUT HE ESCAPED AND I GAVE HIM THE KEY TO OUR ROOM. >> WHY?
>> HE SAID HE NEEDED OUR BATHROOM AND COULD NEVER GO AT THE PRISON.
>> I NEED TO HEAR THIS. GIVE ME THE PHONE. YES, HELLO?
YES, HOW MUCH WATER IS IN THE ROOM. AND WHAT PERCENTAGE IS SEWAGE?
80? >> THAT'S A REALLY HIGH PERCENT. >> WELL, SIR, DO YOU HAVE EYES
ON A PAIR OF SIZE 12 SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS? THEY SHOULD BE SITTING PRETTY.
OH, YOU DON'T SEE THEM? OH, NO, MY SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS HAVE GONE MISSING.
>> WHAT ON EARTH ARE SCOOTER BOOTS? >> WHAT ARE YOU, A HUMAN DUMB
ASS? IT'S A FASHION BOOT FOR RIDING SCOOTERS, AND NOW THEY'RE SOAKED
IN SEWAGE. >> DON'T BE MAD. I'LL MAKE JEROME BUY YOU NEW
SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS, JIMMY CHOO SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS. >> JIMMY CHOO DOESN'T EVEN MAKE
SCOOTER BOOTS. WHERE IS YOUR MIND? * TWEEDLE DEE SCARVES, SANTA IS
COMING SO DUST OFF YOUR CHRISTMAS DOLLS * OH, WHY IS YOUR HORN SO SAD,
SHEILA FOODS? >> BECAUSE I'M SAD. I HURT YOU AND YOUR SCOOTER
BOOTS, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. >> WELL, I'M NOT YOUR BEST
FRIEND. BUT I WILL GET THERE. # AFTER I SORT THROUGH TODAY'S
SHENANIGANS. >> REALLY? WELL THEN WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DO
ONE MORE SONG? >> EVEN THOUGH THE AUDIENCE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO?
>> DID THEY? THAT'S INTERESTING. >> WELL THEN LET'S DO IT FOR US.
>> OKAY. * TWEEDLE DEE SNOW, TWEEDLE DEE DRIFT, BYE BYE TO BOOTS BECAUSE
FRIENDS ARE THE BESTEST GIFT * >> AND NOW, LET'S LIGHT THE TREE!
WHY IS IT SO SMALL? >> TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, TREESE.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS. >> OH, I'M WEARING MY SCOOTER BOOTS.
YOU SEE?
>> HEY, WHAT'S UP? >> WE ARE SUCH BIG FANS. >> THANK YOU.
>> YEAH. WHEN WE SAW YOUR NAME, WE WERE LIKE, ARE YOU KIDDING?
EMMA STONE IS HOSTING. >> YEP, IT'S ME. EMMA STONES.
>> THE ONE AND ONLY. >> I DON'T MEAN TO BE WEIRD, BUT YOU'RE EVEN MORE STUNNING IN
REAL LIFE. >> AND WE JUST STARTED WATCHING THE CURSE.
IT'S AWESOME. >> THE CURSE? OH, AM I THAT BITCH FROM HARRY
POTTER.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> TOTALLY, EMMA.
THAT'S SO YOU. >> GUYS, YOU KNOW THE REAL REASON I'M HERE IS MARTIN AND I
HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU. >> EMMA, I TOLD YOU, I'M TOO SCARED.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING? >> TELL THEM, MARTIN. >> WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> EMMA AND I ARE IN LOVE. NOW GIVE ME A KISS, BABE. >> OH, WE [ BLEEP ] ALL RIGHT
WHAT? I'M DOWN. HE LOOK LIKE A LOT OF THE WOMEN
IN MY DMs. IT'S ABOUT TO BE LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN COLLEGE, HUH?
>> PUNKIE, HEAD STILL. >> NO ONE IS GOING TO THINK THIS IS EMMA STONE.
>> AND ACTION. >> I LOVE YOU, MARTIN. >> OH, DO NOT TOUCH MY PENIS.
>> IT'S JUST A PENIS! >> WELL, IT'S MINE! >> WOW.
THAT KISS WAS AMAZING. I STILL GET BUTTERFLIES. >> I LOVE YOU, EMMA.
I JUST HOPE MY FRIENDS UNDERSTAND. >> IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE A
WHILE TO EARN BACK OUR TRUST. RIGHT, BEN? >> DEFINITELY.
THIS IS A SERIOUS BETRAYAL.
YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT. >> AT LEAST I KNOW JOHN WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.
>> DO YOU APPROVE OF ME DATING EMMA STONE? >> WHAT DO WE ALWAYS SAY?
>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]. >> COME HERE, MARTIN. GIVE ME ANOTHER KISS, YOU BIG
HUNK. >> LAY IT ON ME, YOU TALL HARRY POTTER LOOKING BITCH.
>> GOD, PUNKIE, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S DO IT.
HELLO. >> HI THERE. SO FUN.
>> WELCOME TO WHAT'S IN THE KILN WHERE AMATEUR POTTERS SHINE. I'M LORRAINE GLANS-FRIEDMAN.
>> AND I'M JUDY FRIZZ. HERE HERE IN WOMEN'S CREEK, VERMONT, AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT WHAT'S NEW AND HIP IN THE WORLD OF AMATEUR POTTERY. >> UH-OH, WATCH OUT.
>> I'M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU'VE CREATED THIS WEEK RAINEY. >> I'LL ADMIT, I'M A LITTLE
EXCITED TOO. IT'S JUST A MUG, BUT I THINK IT'S MY BEST YET.
REMEMBER, FOLKS, WE'RE NOT PROFESSIONALS. HERE IT IS.
>> OH. OH, MY GOD. RAINEY, IT'S AMAZING.
>> YOU THINK? >> YES. I LIKE HOW HEAVY IT IS.
IT'S LIKE A WORKOUT TO DRINK OUT OF IT. >> RIGHT?
AND IT NEVER LOOKS DIRTY BECAUSE IT NEVER LOOKS CLEAN. >> NO, IT DOESN'T.
>> ENOUGH ABOUT ME. WHAT DID YOU CREATE THIS WEEK? >> WELL, I MADE SOME FINGER
BASINS. >> SO FUN. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A
FINGER BASIN AND A BOWL? >> MY HUSBAND SAID I COULDN'T BRING HOME ANY MORE BOWLS.
>> BEEN THERE. >> SO I MADE THREE FINGER BASINS.
I WANTED TO MAKE SOMETHING STACKABLE SO THEY USE LESS SPACE.
>> THAT'S A SMART IDEA. >> HERE THEY ARE. >> OH, INCREDIBLE.
WOW. GOSH, THEY JUST DISAPPEAR INTO EACH OTHER.
>> YEAH, AND THERE'S THREE OF THEM, SO IF YOU STILL HAVE ONE LEFT OVER IF YOUR HUSBAND
ACCIDENTALLY DROPS TWO WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF THE ROOM. >> HE IS SO CLUMSY.
>> HE IS. I LOVE THE REACTION MY FAMILY HAS WHEN THEY OPEN ONE OF MY
HAND-MADE BOWLS. IT'S LIKE, WHA -- WHA -- WHOA. WHOA.
>> I GET THAT TOO. WELL, OUR GUEST TODAY HAS BEEN
MAKING INCREDIBLE GIFTS HERE FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS. >> SHE'S AN AMATEUR POTTER BUT
THE STAR OF OUR STUDIO. WE'RE SO EXCITED TO WELCOME CODY CARABINER-WEST.
>> WELCOME. >> THANK YOU. SORRY MY HANDS ARE A LITTLE
SCUFFED. WE HAD TO WRANGLE A POSSUM OUT OF THE COMPOST.
>> WE ARE SO HONORED. YOUR STUFF IS AMAZING. >> I LOVE THAT POTTERY IS SO
PERSONAL. THESE DAYS PEOPLE DON'T WANT SOMETHING MADE BY A MACHINE.
THEY WANT SOMETHING MADE BY A PREMENOPAUSAL LADY IN A FLEECE VEST.
>> THAT IS SO TRUE. PEOPLE, CODY'S STUFF IS ON ANOTHER LEVEL.
LOOK AT THE BOWLS ME AND JUDY DID. >> OH, GOSH.
BLAH. >> AND NOW LOOK AT CODY'S. >> I MEAN, LOOK AT THE
DIFFERENCE. IT'S LIKE NIGHT AND DAY. >> NIGHT AND DAY.
>> DON'T WORRY, LADIES. YOU WILL GET THERE. >> WELL, NOW, I HEAR THAT YOU
BROUGHT A FEW THINGS FROM THE KILN THIS WEEK, SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU MADE.
>> SURE. THIS FIRST PIECE STARTED OUT AS THE VIRGIN MARY WITH CHILD.
>> WHAT'S IT NOW? >> IT'S A BOWL. HERE IT IS.
>> OH, WOW. >> DREAM. DREAM, SO THOUGHT PROVOKING.
>> THANK YOU. IT'S A FOYER BOWL. >> AND WHAT IS THAT?
>> A FOYER BOWL SITS BY THE FRONT DOOR AND JUST HOLDS EVERYTHING, FOUR COINS, ONE
PILL, ONE KEY THAT OPENS NOTHING, ONE EARRING BACK, YOUR HUSBAND'S WEDDING BAND, ET
CETERA. >> OKAY. BUT YOU MAKE MORE THAN BOWLS,
RIGHT? >> I HAVE STARTED BRANCHING OUT. I'M TRYING TO GET BOLD.
>> OH. >> HERE'S A PIECE I DID LAST WEEK.
I WASN'T GOING TO SHARE. OH, ALL RIGHT. >> OH.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> WOW. THAT IS SO LAYERED.
>> OH, WOW. OKAY. >> WOW.
>> I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO FORWARD, BUT IS THAT A REPLICA OF YOUR VAGINA?
>> NO. NO, NO, NO. IT IS A REPLICA OF MY MOTHER'S
VAGINA. >> OH, SURE, SURE. >> AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A
CABBAGE. I SEE IT NOW. THE VAGINA.
>> NOW, WHEN YOU SCULPT YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA, DO YOU USE A PICTURE AS A REFERENCE?
>> OF COURSE. I WANTED TO BE ACCURATE. >> AND WHERE DO YOU GET A PHOTO
LIKE THAT? >> JUST GOOGLE. >> IT'S AMAZING.
I WOULD PAY BIG BUCKS FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> IT'S ACTUALLY FOR SALE.
I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SELL IT TO EITHER OF YOU RIGHT NOW. I'M KIDDING.
I WAS WORRIED THAT MY MOTHER'S VAGINA WOULD BE A TOUGH SALE, BUT THANKFULLY I FOUND A BUYER.
>> WHO'S THAT? >> MY FATHER. >> OKAY.
WITH THAT, LET'S TAKE A BREAK. >> WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON WHAT'S IN THE KILN.
QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT, THIS FRIDAY'S WINE DRINKING AND GLASS BLOWING CLASS HAS BEEN CANCELED
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOAH KAHAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* I'M REMEMBERIN' I PROMISED TO FORGET YOU NOW *
* BUT IT'S RAININ' AND I'M CALLIN' DRUNK * * AND MY MEDICINE
IS DROWNIN' YOUR PERSPECTIVE OUT * * SO I AIN'T TAKIN'
ANY FAULT AM I HONEST STILL * * AM I HALF THE MAN
I USED TO BE * * I DOUBT IT FORGET ABOUT IT
WHATEVER IT'S ALL THE SAME, ANYWAYS * * I AIN'T PROUD OF ALL
THE PUNCHES THAT I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME
OF SOMEONE I NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME OF
BEING YOUNG DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS
AND A TRANSMITTER RADIO * * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW ME
IN THE CAR * * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY
PHONE CALL * * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT
YOU WERE WRONG FOR HANGIN' UP * * I DIAL DRUNK
I'LL DIE A DRUNK I'LL DIE FOR YOU * * I'M UNTETHERIN'
FROM THE PARTS OF ME YOU'D RECOGNIZE * * FROM CHARMIN'
TO ALARMIN' IN SECONDS * * I'LL BE BEDRIDDEN I'LL LET THE PAIN
METASTASIZE * * BUT THAT'S MORNIN' I'LL FORGET IT
AND THE DIAL TONE IS ALL I HAVE * * I AIN'T PROUD OF ALL
THE PUNCHES THAT I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME
OF SOMEONE I NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME
OF BEING YOUNG DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS
AND A TRANSMITTER RADIO * * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW
ME IN THE CAR * * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY
PHONE CALL * * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT
YOU WERE WRONG FOR HANGIN' UP * * I DIAL DRUNK
I'D DIE A DRUNK I'D DIE FOR YOU * **
* I BEG YOU, SIR JUST LET ME CALL I'LL GIVE YOU
MY BLOOD ALCOHOL * * I'LL ROT WITH ALL THE BURNOUTS IN THE CELL
I'LL CHANGE MY FAITH I'LL PRAISE THE FLAG * * LET'S WAIT
I SWEAR SHE'LL CALL ME BACK * * SON, ARE YOU A
DANGER TO YOURSELF I BEG YOU, SIR JUST LET ME CALL *
* I'LL GIVE YOU MY BLOOD ALCOHOL I'LL ROT WITH ALL THE
BURNOUTS IN THE CELL * * I'LL CHANGE MY FAITH I'LL KISS THE BADGE
LET'S WAIT, I SWEAR SHE'LL CALL ME BACK * * SON, WHY DO YOU
DO THIS TO YOURSELF AND I SAID * * I AIN'T PROUD
OF ALL THE PUNCHES THAT I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME OF SOMEONE
I NO LONGER KNOW I NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME OF
BEING YOUNG DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS
AND A TRANSMITTER RADIO * * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW
ME IN THE CAR * * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY PHONE CALL *
* HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT YOU WERE WRONG
FOR HANGIN' UP * * I DIAL DRUNK I'D DIE A DRUNK
I'D DIE FOR YOU * >> I'D DIE FOR YOU SNL. OR AT LEAST SERIOUSLY INJURE
MYSELF. * I AIN'T PROUD OF ALL THE PUNCHES
I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME OF SOMEONE I
NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME OF BEING YOUNG
DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS AND TRANSMITTER RADIOS *
* I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW ME IN THE CAR *
* I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY PHONE CALL * * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG
EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT YOU WERE WRONG FOR HANGIN' UP *
* I DIAL DRUNK I'D DIE A DRUNK I'D DIE FOR YOU *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, THIS WEEK, WE SAID
GOOD-BYE TO A FORMER FIRST LADY, A FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE SUPREME COURT'S FIRST FEMALE
JUSTICE, AND ALSO A GUY WHO CLAIMS TO BE ALL THREE OF THOSE THINGS.
FORMER REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE SWALLOWING EVIDENCE, WAS EXPELLED FROM
CONGRESS ON FRIDAY BY A VOTE OF 114 SHANTAY YOU STAYS TO 311 SASHAY AWAYS.
>> MELANIA SAID SHE WAS DEEPLY SADDENED TO BE REMINDED YOUR PARTNER CAN LIVE THAT LONG.
ELON MUSK MET WITH BENJAMIN THIS WEEK AND AGREED THAT ISRAEL MUST DESTROY HAMAS, AND I THINK MUSK
COULD DESTROY HAMAS ALMOST INSTANTLY BY BECOMING THEIR CEO. >> DURING AN INTERVIEW, ELON
MUSK, WHO LOOKED LIKE THE GHOST OF A GUY WHO DIED IN A 1950s DRAG RACE WAS ASKED IF HE WAS
ANTI-SEMITIC AND SAID THAT HE WAS IN FACT FILO SEMATIC. YOU KNOW, ANOTHER ANSWER WOULD
BE NO. FIRST LADY JILL BIDEN ALSO UNVEILED A NEW ICE RINK NEAR THE
WHITE HOUSE SETTING THE STAGE FOR NEXT WEEK'S HEADLINE, PRESIDENT SHATTERS PELVIS ON ICE
RINK. >> IN HER NEW BOOK, LIZ CHENEY CLAIMS THAT ONE REPUBLICAN
CALLED DONALD TRUMP ORANGE JESUS. IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY, COLIN,
THERE'S ONLY ONE JESUS, AND HE'S WHITE. YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS SAY
THAT. >> YEAH, I ALWAYS SAY THAT. DISNEY ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'LL BE
MAKING TWO MORE SEQUELS TO FROZEN, BUT BY THE TIME THEY COME OUT, THE ONLY THING FROZEN
WILL BE ELSA'S EGGS. SHE WANTS A CAREER. >> WHAT?
>> MIRIAM-WEBSTER ANNOUNCED ONE OF THE SITE'S MOST LOOKED UP WORDS OF 2023 WAS RIZ, WHICH IS
SLANG FOR CHARISMA. BUT IF YOU HAVE TO LOOK IT UP, BITCH, YOU AIN'T GOT IT.
>> ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF THE BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT ANNOUNCED HE IS SUPPORTING
DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT, AND I ASSUME HE ANNOUNCED IT DURING A TRAFFIC STOP.
>> AUSTRALIA IS MOVING TO BAN DISPOSABLE NICOTINE VAPES. HERE TO COMMENT ON VAPING IS AN
OLD FASHIONED CIGARETTE. >> YEAH. HELLO, EVERYONE.
HELLO, COLIN. >> HEY. IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU,
CIGARETTE. >> MEET ME? >> YEAH, OKAY.
OH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON TV, WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE. MY BUTT'S BEEN IN YOUR MOUTH
LIKE A MILLION TIMES. >> I DON'T SMOKE. >> ARE YOUR PARENTS WATCHING
TONIGHT? ALL RIGHT. I'LL PLAY ALONG.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING. HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> COLIN, I'VE BEEN BETTER.
IT AIN'T EASY BEING A CIGARETTE THESE DAYS. EVERYONE WANTS TO VAPE.
OOH, LET'S VAPE. CAN I HIT YOUR VAPE? AND NOW LOOK, THE CHILDREN ARE
DEAD. GREAT JOB, GUYS. VAPES ARE SO MUCH BETTER.
>> THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING. ALSO, YOU'RE NOT SO INNOCENT YOURSELF.
I MEAN, BEFORE VAPES, KIDS DEFINITELY SMOKED CIGARETTES. >> TRUE.
BUT THEY LOOKED COOL DOING IT, SO IT WAS FINE. YOU EVER SEE A KID VAPE?
THEY DON'T EVEN DO IT WITH CONFIDENCE. BLOWING IT DOWN THEIR LITTLE
SHIRTS, DORKS. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
CIGARETTES ARE STILL BAD, THOUGH. >> THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE COOL
NICKNAMES FOR VAPES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL A CIGARETTE IN LONDON?
>> YES, I DO. >> SAY IT. >> I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT.
>> RELAX. NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE IT OUT OF CONTEXT AND MAKE IT A MEME.
>> ALL RIGHT. WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF VAPES.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT AUSTRALIA AND OTHER COUNTRIES TRYING TO BAN THEM?
>> WELCOME TO THE SHOW, VAPES. FIRST TIME? THEY USED TO LOVE ME TOO.
NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME DO GO THE WAY OF THE DO-DO. IT'LL NEVER WORK.
YOU KNOW HOW GOOD SMOKING A CIGARETTE IS? WE'RE DESSERT FOR SEX.
HEY, THAT SEX WAS GOOD, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW? ME, BABY.
>> YEAH. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO STICK AROUND THIS LONG?
>> I'M COOL. AND YOU'RE COOL IF YOU SMOKE ME. NBC PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT ME
SAYING THIS DIRECTLY TO KIDS, BUT SMOKING MAKES YOU SKINNY AND POPULAR.
AND FOR GUYS, IT ADDS A COUPLE INCHES. >> CIGARETTE, COME ON.
>> I KNOW. I KNOW. I'M BAD.
BUT GOD I LOOK GOOD. CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR VAPES. LOOK AT THESE STUDS ON TEAM
CIGARETTE. >> OH, YEAH, MARLIN BRANDO. >> COOL GUY NUMBER ONE IN MY
DAY. WHO ELSE? >> ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
SOUTHEAST COOL TOO. >> SHE'S LIKE MARLIN BRANDO BUT GIRL.
KEEP IT GOING. >> RON JEREMY? >> YOUR HERO.
SEE I TOLD YOU IT ADDED A FEW INCHES. >> ISN'T HE IN PRISON FOR
SOMETHING HORRIBLE? >> NOT HIM THEN. STILL, THOUGH, TAYLOR AND
BRANDO. NOT BAD. LOOK WHO THEY'VE GOT ON TEAM
VAPE. JUST SAYING. >> VAPES DIDN'T EVEN EXIST BACK
THEN. >> OH, OKAY. DEFEND HIM.
>> I'M NOT DEFENDING -- ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO MORE PICTURES. >> ONE MORE PICTURE. IT'LL BE GOOD THIS TIME.
ONE MORE. >> ALL RIGHT. FINE.
ONE MORE. IT'S THE SAME ONE! >> I DID THE SAME PICTURE.
I'M A CIGARETTE. I'M A BAD BOY. >> OLD FASHIONED CIGARETTE,
EVERYONE. >> FIND ME IN YOUR MOM'S PURSE.
THEIR FIRST -- [ LAUGHTER ] NEXT WEEK LIFETIME WILL AIR
THEIR FIRST CHRISTMAS MOVIE FEATURING A SEX SCENE. THE SEX SCENE WILL FINALLY
EXPLAIN WHY SANTA NAMED THAT ONE REINDEER VIXEN. THAT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR A
REINDEER, MAN. >> A DISNEYLAND GUEST WAS ARRESTED FOR STRIPPING OFF HIS
CLOTHES AND WALKING AROUND NUDE ON IT'S A SMALL WORLD. WHICH IS THE ALL-TIME WORST
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, SO WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR? A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT YOUR RISK
OF DEVELOPING DIABETES DEPENDS ON HOW FAST YOU WALK AND WHETHER THIS SOUND PLAYS WHILE YOU'RE
WALKING. ** >> A NEW REPORT CLAIMS THAT
RECENT STORIES ON THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED WEBSITE WERE ACTUALLY GENERATED BY AI, AND
IT'S ALREADY MAKING DELIRIOUS MISTAKES. IT MADE UP SOMETHING CALLED THE
WNBA? I KNOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT
STANDS FOR. >> DORITOS HAS CREATED A NEW SOFTWARE CALLED DORITOS SILENT,
WHICH REMOVES THE SOUND OF EATING FROM VIDEO CALLS. TACO BELL IS WORKING ON NEW
SOFTWARE THAT REMOVES THE SOUND OF SCREAMING FROM BATHROOMS. >> THIS WEEK, SKY GAZERS WERE
TREATED TO THE BEAVER MOON, WHICH IS ONLY VISIBLE FOR A FEW SECONDS WHEN THE MOON GETS OUT
OF THE SHOWER. I LIKE THIS SHOW. >> AND PLANS FOR A
THREE-YEAR-LONG AROUND THE WORLD CRUISE WERE CANCELED AFTER ORGANIZERS COULD NOT FIND A SHIP
FOR THE VOYAGE. GUYS, CALL ME. FOR "WEEKEND
* YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC, SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG *
* MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SINGS ALONG *
>> OOH, BABY, BABY, BABY. CUT AND PRINT. OH, YOU NAILED THAT TAKE, MAMA
CASS. >> YOU REALLY THINK SO, MITCH? >> OH, MITCH LESTER KNOWS A HIT
WHEN HE HEARS ONE, BABY. YOU AGREE, RECORD LABEL PEOPLE? >> WE'RE ANTICIPATING MAJOR AIR
PLAY. >> THE DJs ARE ALREADY CALLED. >> SO ARE THE LATE NIGHT SHOWS.
>> THIS SONG IS GOING TO BE EVERYWHERE, MAMA, AND THEN EVERYBODY'S GOING TO FORGET
ABOUT IT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. >> OH. OH, NO.
REALLY? >> OH, YEAH, BABY. BUT, IN ABOUT 40-50 YEARS, I
THINK IT'S GOING TO START SHOWING UP IN A BUNCH OF MOVIES, BABY.
>> WOW, MOVIES. >> YEAH. BECAUSE IT'S A PERFECT SONG TO
GO UNDER A SLOW MO MONTAGE WHERE THE MAIN CHARACTER SNAPS AND GOES ON A RAMPAGE.
>> IT IS? >> OH, YEAH, BABY. LET ME SHOW YOU.
ZOMBIES TAKE OVER THE WORLD, YOU SEE, AND I'M THE MAIN GIRL, AND I'M ALL ALONE.
HIT IT. * NOBODY CAN TELL YOU * >> ZOMBIES EATING PEOPLE, CITY'S
ON FIRE. I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP. I'M A VICTIM.
OR MAYBE NOT * TO SEE SOMEONE LIKE YOU * >> I START TO FIGHT BACK AND
GRAB A SHOTGUN. BAM! * MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC *
>> BAM, BAM! * SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * >> BLOW!
* EVEN IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW MY FACE * >> THAT WAS AMAZING, MITCH!
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YOU SMELL WHAT I'M STEPPING IN,
MAMA? YOU SEE, I THINK PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE ARE REALLY GONNA LOVE
THAT. >> I DON'T KNOW, MITCH, THE SONG IS ABOUT CELEBRATING
INDIVIDUALITY, NOT ZOMBIES. >> DIG, DIG. FORGET THE ZOMBIES.
BAD EXAMPLE. HOW ABOUT THIS? MOVIE IS I'M A PROSTITUTE.
I SERVICE SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN THE CITY, AND THEY'RE AWFUL TO ME, BUT HOW CAN
I POWERLESS PROSTITUTE GET EVEN WITH THESE BIG WIGS, RIGHT? WE'LL FIND OUT AT THIS SWANKY
PARTY THEY'RE ALL AT. HIT IT * NOBODY CAN TELL YOU *
>> I COME IN. I'M IN A DRESS * THERE'S ONLY ONE SONG WORTH
SINGING * >> ALL THE BIG WIGS SEE ME. * THEY MAY TRY AND SELL YA *
>> THEY'RE NOT WORRIED. SHE'S JUST A WHORE * BECAUSE IT HANGS THEM UP TO
SEE SOMEONE LIKE YOU * >> I'VE GOT A SWORD, SLICE! SLICE, BLOW!
* MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC, SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * * SLICE IS GUY'S LAST THING OFF,
SMILE ON MY FACE * >> OH, AMAZING. >> I LOVED IT.
>> AMAZING. >> YOU SEEING THIS NOW, MAMA? >> NO, I DON'T WANT THIS SONG
USED IN VIOLENT MOVIES. >> WELL, OKAY. HOW ABOUT A MOVIE TRAILER THEN?
OH, TRAILER IS SHOT OF A FRENCH CATHEDRAL. YOU PAN DOWN TO A PILE OF DIRT.
MAMA, SING THIS ONE LIKE A HAUNTED CHILD THIS TIME. HIT IT
* YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC * >> HAND SHOOTS UP OUT OF THE
DIRT. * SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * >> WEIRD GIRL IN BURNED CLOTHES
CRAWLS OUT ALL HERKY JERKY. * MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC * >> BURN HER!
BURN THE TRAITOR! * EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SINGS ALONG *
>> LOOK UP TO CAMERA, WHO IS SHE. >> IT'S FREAKING JOAN OF ARK.
I'M BACK. >> JOAN, HALLOWEEN 2024. >> SEE THAT?
>> WHAT? NO. FELLAS, I'M JUST NOT ON BOARD
WITH THIS. THIS IS MY SONG, AND I'LL DECIDE HOW IT'S USED.
>> MAMA, MAMA, THIS IS THE MUSIC BIZ, BABY. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
>> NOTHING I CAN DO. THINK AGAIN. * YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN
KIND OF MUSIC EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SINGS ALONG *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * AS YOU PROMISED ME THAT I WAS MORE THAN ALL
THE MILES COMBINED * * YOU MUST HAVE HAD YOURSELF A CHANGE OF HEART LIKE
HALFWAY THROUGH THE DRIVE * * BECAUSE YOUR VOICE TRAILED OFF EXACTLY
AS YOU PASSED MY EXIT SIGN * * KEPT ON DRIVIN' STRAIGHT AND LEFT OUR FUTURE
TO THE RIGHT * * NOW I AM STUCK BETWEEN MY ANGER
AND THE BLAME THAT I CAN'T FACE * * AND MEMORIES ARE SOMETHIN'
EVEN SMOKING WEED DOES NOT REPLACE * * AND I AM TERRIFIED OF
WEATHER 'CAUSE I SEE YOU WHEN IT RAINS * * DOC TOLD ME TO TRAVEL
BUT THERE'S COVID ON THE PLANES * * AND I LOVE VERMONT
BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS * * AND I SAW YOUR MOM
SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED * * AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT BUT I JUST LIKE TO
PLAY THE VICTIM * * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL 'TIL MY FRIENDS COME
HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT OF SOME VERSION OF YOU
THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BUT I DID NOT LOSE * * NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS
AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO *
* ALL RIGHT ONE TWO THREE SO I THOUGHT THAT IF I PILED SOMETHING
GOOD ON ALL MY BAD * * THAT I COULD CANCEL OUT THE DARKNESS
I INHERITED FROM DAD * * NO I AM NO LONGER FUNNY 'CAUSE I MISS
THE WAY YOU LAUGH * * YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN'T
CALL ME BACK * * AND I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE
SEASON OF THE STICKS * * AND I SAW YOUR MOM SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED *
* AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT BUT I JUST LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM *
* I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL 'TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS *
* AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE
BUT I DID NOT LOSE * * NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES
AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * **
* OH THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * ** * MY ORE HALF WAS YOU *
* I HOPE THIS PAIN'S JUST PASSIN' THROUGH YEAH I DOUBT IT *
* AND I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS *
* AND I SAW YOUR MOM SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT *
* BUT I JUST LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM * * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL
'TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT
OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BUT I DID NOT LOSE *
* NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF
BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * ** **
* AND I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS *
* AND I SAW YOUR MOM SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT *
* BUT I JUST LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM * * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL
'TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT
OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BUT I DID NOT LOSE *
* NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF
BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * * HAVE TO DO * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS PHYSICS HOMEWORK IS IMPOSSIBLE. WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO LEARN IT?
NOBODY EVEN USES IT IN REAL LIFE. REAL LIFE, REAL LIFE.
>> THINK AGAIN, BRA. LOTS OF PEOPLE USE PHYSICS. >> YO, WHAT?
MY OLD SCHOOL POSTER OF DAVID BECKHAM IS TALKING TO ME? IS THIS A DREAM?
>> YEP. >> OH, OKAY. BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO SAY, YOU
DON'T LOOK AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU NORMALLY DO. >> WHAT?
YEAH, I DO. >> BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS JUST NOT --
>> ALL RIGHT. LEAVE IT. BACK TO PHYSICS.
I USE IT ALL THE TIME ON THE PITCH. HOW DO YOU THINK I BEND THE
BALL? THAT'S PHYSICS. >> YEAH.
AND I USE IT IN THE OCTAGON. >> UFC CHAMPION TROY McCOY? YOU USE PHYSICS?
>> OF COURSE, MAN. WHAT DO YOU THINK MAKES MY PUNCHES AND KICKS SO DEADLY MY
OPPONENTS DOOKY IN THEY DRAWERS? PHYSICS, SUCKER. >> SO PEOPLE REALLY DO USE
PHYSICS IN REAL LIFE. >> HELL YEAH. >> CHRISSY KNOX?
YOU'RE AN INSTAGRAM MODEL AND YOU HOST AN UNPOPULAR PODCAST. YOU USE PHYSICS?
>> YEAH. HOW ELSE COULD I BE BENDING OVER THIS BROKEN, JUNKY, STUPID CAR
IN MY DIRTY, STINKY, RIPPED JEANS. THAT'S PHYSICS.
>> IT IS? >> HELL YEAH. >> PHYSICS ARE EVERYWHERE.
EVEN IN YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO GAME, TIME ASSASSIN. WHAT DO YOU THINK ALLOWS ME TO
JUMP FROM ROOFTOP TO ROOFTOP IN PURSUIT OF THE ETERNITY CUBE? >> SO WITHOUT PHYSICS, I
COULDN'T GAME. >> OR PLAY FOOTBALL. >> OR DOMINATE THE OCTAGON.
>> OR USE MY WRENCH TO LOOSEN THIS RUSTY, CRUSTY, GREASY KNOT. >> CHRISSY, SIT THIS ONE OUT.
YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH HERE. >> I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
BUT IT'S SO CONFUSING. WHAT'S UP WITH NEWTON'S LAW? >> OH, YOU CAN'T BE NUDE IN
INSTAGRAM POSTS, BUT YOU CAN BE NUDE IN ONLYFANS STUFF. >> WAIT.
YOU HAVE AN ONLYFANS? >> COME ON, CHRISSY, KNOCK IT OFF.
HE'S A TEENAGE BOY, MAN, YOU TAKE HIM DOWN THE ONLYFANS ROAD, WE AIN'T NEVER GOING TO GET HIM
BACK. LET'S TRY THIS. WHAT'S GIVING YOU THE MOST
TROUBLE? >> ALL OF IT REALLY. >> JUST GIVE UP AND LOOK AT MY
CREAMY LITTLE TUMMY. >> CREAMY? OH, MY GOD.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO SHUT THIS WOMAN UP SO WE CAN HELP THIS CHILD. >> I GOT YOU.
ONE KO COMING RIGHT UP. >> WAIT. LET ME TRY SOMETHING FIRST.
I THINK I CAN OCCUPY HER BRAIN FOR A MINUTE OR TWO. CHRISSY, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY
FINGERS YOU HAVE? >> HELL YEAH, TEN. >> YOU ACTUALLY HAVE 11.
ALL RIGHT. WATCH. TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX --
PLUS FIVE IS 11. >> WAIT. WHAT?
>> GOOD WORK. YOU'RE SMART AND GORGEOUS? >> GORGEOUS BECAUSE I'M LIKE
OVER HERE THINKING HE AIN'T HANDSOME AS HE NORMALLY WAS. ACCENT WEIRD TOO.
HAIR TOO LONG. >> ALL RIGHT. I GET IT.
I'M DAVID BECKHAM. ALL RIGHT? ANYWAY, WHAT IN YOUR BOOK THERE
IS GIVING YOU THE MOST TROUBLE, LAD? >> OKAY.
HOW ABOUT THIS, FORCE EQUALS MASS TIMES ACCELERATION. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> IT'S LIKE THIS. THE FORCE OF MY PUNCH IS DETERMINED BY THE WEIGHT OF MY
ARM MULTIPLIED BY THE SPEED OF MY FIST. >> OH, OKAY.
>> OR LIKE HOW MUCH GREASE I GET ON MY BUTT IS DETERMINED BY THIS DRIPPY, STINKY OIL MULTIPLIED BY
HOW FAR I'M BENDING OVER THIS ICKY -- >> ENJOY YOUR JUNKY CAR, DUMB
ASS. >> THANK YOU. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED HELP WITH?
>> HUH? WHAT? I THINK I GOT IT.
>> NOW HE'S STARING AT HER BOTTOM. HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEARN
PHYSICS. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? >> I THINK HE'S GOING TO GET IT,
ACTUALLY. >> HELL YEAH. >> COME ON, MAN.
>>> WHEN MY SKIN FEELS GOOD, I FEEL GOOD. >> IT DESERVES TO BE PAMPERED
LIKE ME. >> BUT WHEN I WALK DOWN THE SKIN CARE AISLE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE
TO START. >> SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE YOUR SKIN SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW
MAKES YOU FEEL GREAT? >> INTRODUCING NEW DIET COKE BY OLE.
THE REJUVENATING FACIAL CLEANSER MADE OF YOUR FAVORITE THING ON EARTH, DIET COKE.
>> I LOVE HOW IT MAKES MY FACE FEEL, AND I LOVE THAT IT'S DIET COKE.
>> BECAUSE I WANT MY FACE TO FEEL YOUNG, AND I WANT ANOTHER WAY TO CONSUME DIET COKE.
>> FOR FRESH, CLEAN, CAFFEINATED SKIN. >> JUST DON'T SHAKE IT.
>> I LIKED MY OLD FACIAL CLEANSER, BUT I HATED THE CALORIES.
>> THE BUBBLES LEAVE MY FACE FEELING ENERGIZED. >> IT WIDENS POURS AND DEFINES
WRINKLES. >> IT'S MADE FROM INGREDIENTS PROVED TO BE DIET COKE.
DIET COKE BY OLE SEEPS THROUGH YOUR PORS AND INTO THE RIVER OF DIET COKE ALREADY RUNNING
THROUGH YOUR VEINS. >> I DRINK BETWEEN SIX AND 45 TIE YET COKES.
>> I JUST CRAVE IT PHYSICALLY. >> IF I DON'T GET ENOUGH OF IT, I START TO HIT AND KICK.
>> IT CONTAINS TO PARABENS AND NO SULFATES, JUST SODA STUFF. >> SO TRY IT TODAY.
>> THANKS, DIET COKE, WE LOVE YOU, DIET COKE. >> DIET COKE BY OLE, 49.99
BEHIND A PLASTIC JAIL AT CVS.
MUCH. TO THE WHOLE CAST AND CREW, MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, I LOVE YOU.
THIS TRULY IS LIKE ONE OF THE GREATEST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE EASILY.
SO THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. BYE, I'LL SHUT UP.
BYE.