1 00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:15,548 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING. 2 00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:23,189 I'M WOLF BLITZER. AND IF I TAKE MY GLASSES OFF, I'M BEAUTIFUL. 3 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:33,433 LATER IN THE PROGRAM, I'LL HAVE A LIVE CONVERSATION WITH ELON MUSK, SO GO AHEAD AND SELL YOUR 4 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:43,576 TESLA STOCK NOW. AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT HIS SOCIAL MEDIA SITE X AND THEIR ONLY 5 00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:49,683 REMAINING ADVERTISER, SPIRIT AIRPLANES, WHO'S SLOGAN IS ALSO GO F YOURSELF. 6 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:55,255 FIRST, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS AT THE CAPITOL WHERE DISGRACED AND NOW EXPELLED CONGRESSMAN GEORGE 7 00:00:55,255 --> 00:01:01,961 SANTOS. IS GIVING HIS FINAL PRESS CONFERENCE. 8 00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:09,302 >> OKAY. ENOUGH. ENOUGH, ENOUGH. 9 00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:15,275 EVERYONE, STOP ASSAULTING ME. I'M BEING ASSAULTED. THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY HAS BEEN 10 00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:20,847 BULLYING ME JUST BECAUSE I'M A PROUD, GAY THIEF. WHAT ELSE IS NEW? 11 00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:26,920 AMERICA HATES TO SEE A LATINA QUEEN WINNING. SINCE THE DAY I WAS ELECTED, 12 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:33,860 IT'S BEEN A WITCH HUNT, BUT IF I'M GUILTY OF ANYTHING, IT'S FOR LOVING TOO MUCH/FRAUD. 13 00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:39,532 NOW I'M SURE YOU BLOOD THIRSTY JACKALS IN THE MEDIA HAVE A THOUSAND MEAN NASTY QUESTIONS 14 00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:42,502 YOU'RE DYING TO ASK ME. GO. >> YOU CALLED THIS PRESS 15 00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:50,110 CONFERENCE. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS. >> WELL, AMERICA NEEDS CLOSURE. 16 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:57,117 ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE SONS, ME, HAS BEEN CUT DOWN IN THE PRIME OF HIS LIFE AT 17 YEARS OLD. 17 00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:01,421 AND FOR, WHAT? SO THE GOVERNMENT CAN GO BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL? 18 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:08,695 WELL, I DON'T DO USUAL, AND I DO BUSINESS AS DR. TONY GOLDMAN. OKAY. 19 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:12,132 WHO'S NEXT? YOU. NAME AND ROUTING NUMBER. 20 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:17,671 >> NO. SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING THE ONLY -- ONLY THE SIXTH 21 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,140 CONGRESSMAN EVER EXPELLED FROM OFFICE? >> OH, BIG WHOOP. 22 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:25,478 YOU THINK I NEED THIS? YOU THINK I NEED ANY OF YOU? >> YOU FOLLOWED ME HOME AND 23 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,682 BEGGED ME TO ASK YOU MORE QUESTIONS. >> OKAY. 24 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:33,186 FINE. YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT I'M LOST, THAT I'M HUMILIATED? 25 00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:41,861 FINE, SO I'M NO LONGER CONGRESSMAN SANTOS. I'M REGULAR OLD PROFESSOR MAY 26 00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:54,140 JON GENERAL ASTRONAUT SANTOS, PROTECTOR OF THE REALM, PRINCESS OF GENOVIA. 27 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:59,312 IS BEING EXPELLED AND PROSECUTED FOR 23 FELONIES A SETBACK? SURE. 28 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:05,652 BUT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T LET IT RUIN MY KWANZAA. OKAY. 29 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:11,691 NEXT QUESTION. YOU, GIVE ME YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME AND CHILDHOOD PET. 30 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:15,695 >> KELLOGG AND GREEN BEAN. DAMN IT! >> EXTREMELY HELPFUL. 31 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:19,065 THANK YOU. >> WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ALL YOUR COLLEAGUES IN THE HOUSE 32 00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:24,237 WHO VOTED TO EXPEL YOU? >> YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? TO HELL WITH CONGRESS. 33 00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:28,641 I DON'T NEED THEM ANYWAY BECAUSE MY NEW MOVIE OPENED THIS WEEKEND. 34 00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:36,583 IT'S CALLED RENAISSANCE, A FILM BY BEYONCE. >> BUT YEARS FROM NOW, DO YOU 35 00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:41,087 WORRY ABOUT HOW YOU'LL BE REMEMBERED IN HISTORY? >> FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE CUTE. 36 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:45,825 WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE FROM A REAL NEWSPAPER. 37 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:49,429 >> HUFF PO. >> SEE. I KNEW IT. 38 00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:58,104 AND IN TERMS OF HISTORY, I KNOW HOW I'LL BE REMEMBERED, AS A MARTYR, AS A CHAMPION OF THE 39 00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:05,445 PEOPLE. THEY'LL THINK OF ME AS THE MODERN PRINCESS DIANA AND THE 40 00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:22,295 MODERN MARILYN MONROE, WHICH IS WHY I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO SING A TRIBUTE TO MYSELF. 41 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:29,436 * GOOD-BYE CONGRESS QUEEN, THOUGH THEY NEVER KNEW ME AT ALL 'CUZ I LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING IN 42 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:37,377 MY LIFE WHEN I TOOK A TRAGIC FALL * * THEY CRAWLED OUT OF THE 43 00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:44,351 WOODWORK, THEY WHISPERED HE USED MY DONATIONS FOR BOTOX, AND I SAID IT WAS FILLERS, SLUT * 44 00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:54,494 * AND I'M NOT A BITCH CAN CLAW, AND IT SEEMS TO ME I LIVED MY LIFE LIKE A SCANDAL IN THE 45 00:04:54,494 --> 00:05:01,067 WIND * * NEVER KNOWING WHO TO CLING TO WHEN THE LAW CLOSED IN * 46 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:07,273 * AND I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE KNOWN YOU, BUT I'M A DIFFERENT GUY * 47 00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:16,149 * MY NAME IS CARLOS DUNKEN HEINS, DON'T LOOK ME UP, I DIED * 48 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:22,756 * CONGRESS STUFF IS TOUGH, IT'S THE TOUGHEST JOB I EVER HAD, AND I WAS A NEUROSURGEON AT NYU, 49 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:30,797 PLUS I HAVE THE JOB OF DAD * >> I'M SORRY. DID YOU JUST PULL A FAKE BABY 50 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:38,538 OUT OF A PIANO? >> MAGIC. * OKAY, SO I LIED, SO I TOLD A 51 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:43,710 COUPLE LITTLE FIBS LIKE WHERE I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE AND ALL MY JOBS AND HOW I'M 52 00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:50,950 SOMETHING CALLED JU --ISH * >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? >> IT MEANS MUSLIM. 53 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:59,092 * AND IT SEEMS TO ME I LIVED MY LIFE LIKE AN EVIL FOREST GUMP, I'M THE GUY WHO LIED EVEN TOO 54 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:06,866 MUCH FOR DONALD TRUMP * * AND YOU ALL GOT TO LAUGH AT ME, AND I SAY LUCKY YOU, MY 55 00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:14,507 CANDLE BURNED OUT LONG BEFORE I COULD FLEE TO PERU * * AND YOU CAN BLOW ME ALL YOU 56 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:28,221 WANT, BUT I'LL NEVER LOSE MY LIGHT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT * 57 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:38,798 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 58 00:07:54,341 --> 00:08:16,363 FEATURING -- 59 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:26,840 A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- NOAH KAHAN. 60 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:32,412 DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- NOAH KAHAN. AND YOUR HOST -- EMMA STONE. 61 00:08:38,351 --> 00:09:02,442 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 62 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:09,716 THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK. IT'S MY FIFTH TIME HOSTING SNL. 63 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:13,253 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE SHOW, AND SINCE I 64 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:17,223 STARTED HOSTING, IT'S ALSO BECOME JUST A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE. 65 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:25,265 AND I HAVE MADE SO MANY MEMORIES HERE AND SO MANY FRIENDS, AND I EVEN MET MY HUSBAND AT SNL. 66 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:30,637 AND I KNOW HE'S PRETTY CAMERA SHY. HE'S NOT A PERFORMER, BUT IT'S 67 00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:40,513 SUCH A SPECIAL NIGHT FOR US, I WOULD LOVE FOR THE CAMERAS TO CUT TO HIM IF THAT'S OKAY. 68 00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:47,687 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HONEY. THANK YOU. I'M SO HONORED TO BE JOINING THE 69 00:09:47,687 --> 00:10:09,843 SNL FIVE-TIMERS CLUB. >> DID SOMEBODY SAY -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 70 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:16,816 >> NO, NOBODY SAID MEAN GIRLS. >> WELL, EITHER WAY, EMMA, WELCOME TO THE FIVE-TIMERS CLUB. 71 00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:27,327 AT 35 YEARS OLD, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE YOUNGEST MEMBER. I AM THE SECOND YOUNGEST AT 53. 72 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:31,631 BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT IN THERE. A FEW YEARS AGO, THEY EVEN ADDED 73 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:40,774 A WHOLE WOMEN'S SECTION. IT WAS ACTUALLY CAN -- CANDICE BERGEN'S IDEA. 74 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:50,250 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WOW. CANDICE, YOU CREATED THE 75 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,219 FIVE-TIMERS WOMEN'S CLUB SECTION? WHAT'S IT LIKE IN THERE? 76 00:10:53,219 --> 00:11:00,326 >> IT'S GOT EVERYTHING. SHOWERS, A LOCKER ROOM, A BIG PORTRAIT WITH THE EYES CUT OUT 77 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:06,933 SO MARTIN SHORT CAN PEEK IN. >> BUT DID YOU WANT THE PORTRAIT WORK BOTH WAYS? 78 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,103 CAN YOU PEEK INTO THE GUY'S SECTION? >> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. 79 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:19,346 I LOOKED IN THERE ONCE AND SAW A CREEPY VENTRILOQUIST. >> NO. 80 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:23,817 THAT'S JOHN MULANEY. CANDICE, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF WHAT YOU BUILT. 81 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:29,356 >> I AM. THE WOMEN'S SECTION STARTED OUT AS A SMALL, QUIET PLACE TO CRY, 82 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:39,299 BUT OVER THE YEARS, IT BECAME A BIG LUXURIOUS PLACE TO CRY. >> WOW. 83 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:44,604 SO IT WASN'T AROUND WHEN YOU WERE HERE, TINA? >> NO. 84 00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:51,177 THINGS WERE DIFFERENT IN THE 2010s. NETWORK TV WAS IN ITS HEYDAY. 85 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:57,217 MY SHOW 30 ROCK WAS WATCHED BY 6 MILLION PEOPLE. >> 6 MILLION PEOPLE A WEEK? 86 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:03,456 WAS THAT A LOT? >> AT THE TIME, NO. BUT TODAY, NO. 87 00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:10,864 >> ANYWAY, EMMA, THIS IS YOUR DAY. YOU'RE PART OF SNL HERSTORY. 88 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:15,769 >> NOW IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR OFFICIAL FIVE-TIMERS CLUB JACKET. 89 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:28,982 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WELCOME TO THE FIVE-TIMERS CLUB. 90 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:33,420 >> THANK YOU. THIS IS AMAZING. THIS HONESTLY -- OH, NO. 91 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:38,458 THIS HAS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE SINCE I WAS A KID, AND IT MEANS SO MUCH THAT I GET TO SHARE THIS 92 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:42,729 MOMENT WITH YOU GUYS. THANK YOU. THIS IS -- IS THIS A JOINT? 93 00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:49,769 >> OH, THAT MUST BE WOODY HARRELSON'S JACKET. >> THERE'S ALSO A VACCINE CARD 94 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:53,873 IN HERE. >> OH, THEN IT'S DEFINITELY NOT WOODY'S. 95 00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:59,646 >> WELL, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. NOAH KAHAN IS HERE, SO STICK 96 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,515 NOAH KAHAN IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND, AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK. 97 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:21,801 QUESTION QUEST. >> WELCOME TO QUESTION QUEST. I'M YOUR HOST, JOE VIBIN. 98 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:27,440 LET'S MEET OUR QUESTESTANTS. FIRST UP, SHE'S A QUIZ BOWL CHAMPION FROM COLUMBIA 99 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,110 UNIVERSITY. IT'S JEN COCHRAN. >> CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY. 100 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,947 >> SHE'S THE OLDEST WOMAN IN THE NAVY. MICHELLE JOHNSON. 101 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:39,586 >> I WORK AT OLD NAVY. I'M 33. >> LAST UP, A SECURITY GUARD AT 102 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:45,992 A CEREAL FACTORY, ANGELA BAITS. >> THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS, AND THEY AIN'T GONNA GET 103 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:49,796 THEM. >> I LIKE THAT. THE QUESTION IS, WHO INVENTED 104 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:55,635 THE COTTON GIN IN 1793. JEN? >> ELI WHITNEY? 105 00:13:55,635 --> 00:14:02,676 >> THAT'S RIGHT. JACK, TELL HER ABOUT HER PRIZE. >> OH, WOW AFTER ONE QUESTION? 106 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:08,048 NICE. >> CONGRATULATIONS, JEN, YOU'VE WON SPEEDY. 107 00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:13,053 SPEEDY IS A 37-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE, ONE OF THE LARGEST SPECIES OF TORTOISE IN THE 108 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,222 WORLD. IT'S SPEEDY. CONGRATULATIONS, JEN. 109 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,625 >> WAIT. I WON A TORTOISE? >> SURE DID. 110 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:27,367 AND I'LL MISS HIM. HE'S BEEN MINE SINCE I WAS 6 YEARS OLD, AND NOW HE'S YOURS. 111 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,669 CONGRATS. >> HE'S YOUR TORTOISE? >> NO. 112 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:34,374 HE'S YOUR TORTOISE. >> SO YOU GOT HIM LIKE 25 YEARS AGO? 113 00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:39,979 HOW LONG DOES A TORTOISE LIVE? >> THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION. HOW LONG DOES A TORTOISE LIVE? 114 00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:44,150 MICHELLE? >> 100 YEARS? >> NO. 115 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,986 ANGELA? >> IS IT A CORN OR FLOUR TORTOISE? 116 00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:51,124 >> I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF A TORTILLA. JEN? 117 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:55,662 >> IT CAN'T BE MORE THAN 100 YEARS. >> MORE THAN 100 YEARS IS 118 00:14:55,662 --> 00:15:00,834 CORRECT. 150 TO 190 TO BE EXACT. >> IT LIVES FOR 10 YEARS? 119 00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:05,372 >> MAYBE MORE. EVERYONE WHO STUDIES THEM DIES BEFORE THEY DO. 120 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:12,946 YOU'RE ON A ROLL, JEN. JACK, WHAT'S HER PRIZE? >> YOU'VE WON A LARGE CRATE OF 121 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:21,121 LETTUCE AND PEPPER TO PROVIDE UP TO ONE WEEK OF MEALS FOR SPEEDY, A 37-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE GIVE TO 122 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:29,195 YOUR HOST BY HIS FATHER WHEN HE WAS 6 YEARS OLD, LOCKING HIM INTO A 190-YEAR CONTRACT, A 123 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,831 CONTRACT THAT NOW BELONGS TO YOU. >> I'M NOT SURE I CAN TAKE CARE 124 00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:35,068 OF A TORTOISE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. >> THEN KILL HIM, TOUGH GUY. 125 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:43,176 YOU WON'T. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS. 126 00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:50,550 WHO BROKE ROGER MARIS' RECORD FOR THE MOST HOME RUNS IN AN MLB SEASON? 127 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:54,254 MICHELLE? >> ST. LOUIS NATIVE HERE. THAT WOULD BE MARK McGUIRE. 128 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:58,358 >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> OH, THANK GOD. DOES SHE GET THE TORTOISE? 129 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:05,865 >> LET'S SEE. JACK, TELL HER WHAT SHE'S WON. >> THREE CARS. 130 00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,867 TAKE ALL THREE. CONGRATULATIONS, MICHELLE. >> THAT IS NOT FAIR. 131 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:13,039 >> FINE. I'LL GIVE MICHELLE AND ANGELA A CHANCE TO STEAL SPEEDY AWAY FROM 132 00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:15,842 YOU. ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS ANSWER ONE QUESTION RIGHT. 133 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:23,149 WHAT DO THESE TWO MEN HAVE IN COMMON? CHARLES DARWIN AND STEVE ERWIN. 134 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:27,721 >> THEY BOTH STUDIED ANIMALS. >> YES, BUT NOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR. 135 00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:31,391 >> SAME COLOR PENIS. >> PROBABLY. BUT NOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR. 136 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,494 >> JEN? >> I AM NOT GUESSING ANYMORE. >> WHO CARES. 137 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:40,066 THE ANSWER IS THEY BOTH OWNED THE SAME TORTOISE. >> WHAT? 138 00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:42,635 THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. >> IT SHOULD BE. IT REALLY SHOULD BE. 139 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:50,610 BUT IT'S NOT. BOTH STEVE IRWIN AND CHARLES DARWIN OWNED A TORTOISE NAMED 140 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:54,180 HAIR YET WHO LIVED FOR 175 YEARS. IS THAT NOT SOMETHING? 141 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:59,819 >> DAMN. IF I WON THAT LITTLE DINOSAUR, I COULD START MY OWN JURASSIC 142 00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:05,191 PARK. AND IT COMES WITH A SIDE SALAD? YOU GOT IT MADE. 143 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:09,529 >> THE IT'S YOURS. >> THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S PLAYED. 144 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:13,933 ANGELA, SINCE YOU LIKE SPEEDY, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU 12 CHANCES TO GOT IT BACK. 145 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:26,846 WHICH OF SANTA'S REINDEER HAS A RED NOSE? >> DUMBER, DOPPY? 146 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:30,183 >> NO. >> ALL RIGHT. ADOLF. 147 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:36,923 ADOLF THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. >> REALLY CLOSE. >> I CAN'T -- I CAN'T READ THAT. 148 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:40,460 WHAT'S THAT SAY? >> RUDOLPH. >> RUDOLPH IS RIGHT! 149 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:46,199 NICE JOB, JEN. >> NO! >> YES! 150 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:53,073 SPEEDY IS ALL YOURS. >> WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? >> BECAUSE IT WAS DONE TO ME. 151 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:59,579 I WOULD SAY JOIN US NEXT WEEK, BUT THIS WAS THE FIRST AND LAST EPISODE OF QUESTION QUEST. 152 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,015 EPISODE OF QUESTION QUEST. I'M GOING TO START MY NEW LIFE. GOOD NIGHT. 153 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:33,113 * SOMETIMES I CAN BARELY FIND THE STRENGTH TO GET OUT OF BED * * WHEN THE WORLD FEELS SO COLD 154 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:41,087 AND DARK AND I CAN'T PUT THE PAST OUT OF MY HEAD * * WHEN I'M FEELING ALL ALONE, 155 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:50,330 CAN'T MAKE IT ON MY OWN, AND I SEEM SO CLOSE TO GIVING UP * * WHEN THERE'S DARKNESS ALL 156 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:59,806 AROUND, AND I'M FEELING REALLY DOWN, THERE'S JUST ONE THING IN THE WORLD THAT CAN CHEER ME UP * 157 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:04,244 * RIDING IN THE BACK OF A GARBAGE TRUCK FULLY NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY AT 11:00 158 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:09,449 A.M. * * WITH MY ASS HANGING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF BROADWAY * 159 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:12,786 * DOING HARD WORK MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE THAT'S WHY I'M FLINGING BLACK BAGS AND ONLY WEARING 160 00:19:12,786 --> 00:19:16,389 GLOVES * * IN CASE THERE'S SHARP STUFF IN THE TRASH * 161 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:31,571 * AND I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE FREE THAN WHEN MY BIG WHITE ASS IS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE * 162 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:41,748 * THIS TIME OF YEAR, THE DAYS ARE GETTING SHORTER, AND I JUST FEEL LIKE I COULD CRY * 163 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:50,056 * AND I KNOW IT MAY BE HARD TO BELIEVE BUT EVEN LATIN GUYS GET SAD SOMETIMES * 164 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:57,430 * WHEN NO LIGHT IS GETTING THROUGH AND I'M FEELING REALLY BLUE THERE'S JUST ONE THING LEFT 165 00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:03,870 THAT I CAN DO * * WORKING ALL DAY ON A CONSTRUCTION SITE FULLY NAKED IN 166 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:10,243 THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY POURING CONCRETE IN THE GROUND * * EATING LUNCH SPREAD EAGLE ON A 167 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:13,947 RUSTY I-BEAM, BOUNCING AS I MOVE A BIG PILE OF RUBBLE IN A WHEELBARROW * 168 00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:19,886 * WEARING ONLY A HELMET GETTING SUN BURNED ON MY ASS BUT MY NIPPLES ARE HARD 'CUZ IT'S 169 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:28,128 FREEZING COLD OUT * * THROWING THE RECYCLING IN WITH THE GARBAGE SNOENT 170 00:20:28,128 --> 00:20:30,230 * CHAFING AS TRAFFIC TOP BUTT NAKED IN NEW YORK * * PULLING LEAVES OUT OF A SUER 171 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,432 WITH MY BUTT TO THE HEAVENS * * RUBBING MY BODY ON A BED BUG MATTRESS, TAKING OFF GRAFFITI 172 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:36,703 AND MY CHEST IS JIGGLIN' * * SQUATTING AS I TRY TO CATCH RATS 'CUZ WHEN THE WORLD HAS GOT 173 00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:42,042 YOU DOWN YOU CAN ALWAYS TURN YOUR LUCK AROUND IF YOU JUST * * RIDE ON THE BACK OF A GARBAGE 174 00:20:42,042 --> 00:20:50,517 TRUCK FULLY NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY AT 11:00 A.M. * * SQUISHING MY TOES IN A MYSTERY 175 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:55,889 LIQUID, DOING HARD WORK IN THE MIDDLE OF MIDTOWN HELPING MAKE THIS CITY THE BEST * 176 00:20:55,889 --> 00:21:02,529 * AND I'VE GOT WIND BURN ON MY CHEEKS BUT I'M TOTALLY AS EASE WHEN MY BIG FAT ASS IS FLAPPING 177 00:21:02,529 --> 00:21:08,501 CHEEKS BUT I'M TOTALLY AS EASE WHEN MY BIG FAT ASS IS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE * 178 00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:30,090 DONE * >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. 179 00:21:30,090 --> 00:21:35,228 AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO THE PINE RIVER LODGE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING 2023. 180 00:21:35,228 --> 00:21:41,101 >> COME ON, TREESE, LET'S START THE SHOW. >> WE WILL TURN IT OUT FOR SURE. 181 00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:47,674 BUT FIRST, MY LOWER BACK IS KILLING ME ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY COCCYX. 182 00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:53,413 DOES ANYONE HERE TONIGHT HAPPEN TO HAVE A DOAN'S PILL? JUST A SINGLE DOAN'S BACK PILL? 183 00:21:53,413 --> 00:22:00,086 IT COULD BE SITTING IN THE DEEPEST CORNER OF YOUR PURSE OR THE DEEPEST PART OF YOUR JEAN. 184 00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:04,624 DO WE REMEMBER DOAN'S? I'M TALKING TO YOU, AUDIENCE. DO YOU NOT HEAR? 185 00:22:04,624 --> 00:22:08,228 >> THEY DON'T GOT 'EM, BABE. >> FINE. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS MYSELF. 186 00:22:08,228 --> 00:22:19,072 LET'S GO! * TWEEDLE DEE DECK, TWEEDLE DEE HALLS, TIME TO MEET SANTA AT THE 187 00:22:19,072 --> 00:22:24,144 CHRISTMAS MALL * ALL RIGHT. LET'S MEET THE BAND. 188 00:22:24,144 --> 00:22:29,315 ON KEYBOARDS, IT'S CHARLIE DARKEN, WHO'S ABOUT TO GET HITCHED. 189 00:22:29,315 --> 00:22:32,852 WHAT DAY IS THE WEDDING AGAIN? >> IT WAS LAST MONTH. >> WELL, I CAN'T WAIT. 190 00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:43,129 ** AND ON RENTED TRUMPET THAT WE CLEARLY CANNOT RETURN, PLEASE 191 00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:52,105 GIVE IT UP FOR SHEILA FOODS. >> MY JOB IS TO BLOW THIS. ** 192 00:22:52,105 --> 00:22:55,508 >> WHOO! FIRE, SHEILA FOODS. THAT WAS FIRE. 193 00:22:55,508 --> 00:22:58,745 YES. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE A 180 FROM LAST NIGHT. 194 00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:02,782 I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> WELL, YOU SAT STRAIGHT UP IN 195 00:23:02,782 --> 00:23:09,189 BED AND YOU SAID, WHAT HAVE I DONE, HAVE I LOST ALL MY MORALS, AND THEN IN THE BUFFET, YOU WERE 196 00:23:09,189 --> 00:23:13,326 CRYING ALL OVER THE CANTALOUPE. >> I DON'T WANT THE TALK ABOUT THAT. 197 00:23:13,326 --> 00:23:20,100 PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR THE CHRISTMAS SHOW. >> LET THE LADY HAVE HER 198 00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:28,108 SECRECIES. >> NEITHER OF YOU HAVE DADDIES, AND I'M TRYING TO ASSUME THAT 199 00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:31,077 ROLE. * DO YOUR CHRISTMAS PAJAMAS GIVE YOU CAMEL TOE * 200 00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:37,083 >> ALWAYS. >> OH, MY GOD. A CELL PHONE? 201 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:40,086 OH, THAT'S DISRESPECTING THE MUSIC, MAN. >> NO, IT'S ME. 202 00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:45,091 OH, IT'S THE FRONT DESK. HELLO? WHAT? 203 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:49,295 IN OUR ROOM? >> WHAT'S IN OUR ROOM? CHOCOLATE? 204 00:23:49,295 --> 00:23:53,833 >> OH, MANY I GOD. WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE? >> HE WHO? 205 00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:58,104 WHO IS THE HE IN OUR ROOM? >> HE FLOODED THE ROOM, AND HE WON'T LEAVE. 206 00:23:58,104 --> 00:24:03,543 DAMN YOU, JEROME. >> YOU'RE INSANE EX? BUT HE'S INCARCERATED. 207 00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:07,447 >> BUT HE ESCAPED AND I GAVE HIM THE KEY TO OUR ROOM. >> WHY? 208 00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:11,951 >> HE SAID HE NEEDED OUR BATHROOM AND COULD NEVER GO AT THE PRISON. 209 00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:15,588 >> I NEED TO HEAR THIS. GIVE ME THE PHONE. YES, HELLO? 210 00:24:15,588 --> 00:24:21,294 YES, HOW MUCH WATER IS IN THE ROOM. AND WHAT PERCENTAGE IS SEWAGE? 211 00:24:21,294 --> 00:24:25,699 80? >> THAT'S A REALLY HIGH PERCENT. >> WELL, SIR, DO YOU HAVE EYES 212 00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:32,072 ON A PAIR OF SIZE 12 SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS? THEY SHOULD BE SITTING PRETTY. 213 00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:38,645 OH, YOU DON'T SEE THEM? OH, NO, MY SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS HAVE GONE MISSING. 214 00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:43,883 >> WHAT ON EARTH ARE SCOOTER BOOTS? >> WHAT ARE YOU, A HUMAN DUMB 215 00:24:43,883 --> 00:24:49,422 ASS? IT'S A FASHION BOOT FOR RIDING SCOOTERS, AND NOW THEY'RE SOAKED 216 00:24:49,422 --> 00:24:56,696 IN SEWAGE. >> DON'T BE MAD. I'LL MAKE JEROME BUY YOU NEW 217 00:24:56,696 --> 00:25:03,236 SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS, JIMMY CHOO SWAYED SCOOTER BOOTS. >> JIMMY CHOO DOESN'T EVEN MAKE 218 00:25:03,236 --> 00:25:11,044 SCOOTER BOOTS. WHERE IS YOUR MIND? * TWEEDLE DEE SCARVES, SANTA IS 219 00:25:11,044 --> 00:25:18,051 COMING SO DUST OFF YOUR CHRISTMAS DOLLS * OH, WHY IS YOUR HORN SO SAD, 220 00:25:18,051 --> 00:25:22,555 SHEILA FOODS? >> BECAUSE I'M SAD. I HURT YOU AND YOUR SCOOTER 221 00:25:22,555 --> 00:25:26,059 BOOTS, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. >> WELL, I'M NOT YOUR BEST 222 00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:33,600 FRIEND. BUT I WILL GET THERE. # AFTER I SORT THROUGH TODAY'S 223 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,503 SHENANIGANS. >> REALLY? WELL THEN WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DO 224 00:25:36,503 --> 00:25:40,306 ONE MORE SONG? >> EVEN THOUGH THE AUDIENCE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO? 225 00:25:40,306 --> 00:25:45,512 >> DID THEY? THAT'S INTERESTING. >> WELL THEN LET'S DO IT FOR US. 226 00:25:45,512 --> 00:25:50,850 >> OKAY. * TWEEDLE DEE SNOW, TWEEDLE DEE DRIFT, BYE BYE TO BOOTS BECAUSE 227 00:25:50,850 --> 00:26:04,764 FRIENDS ARE THE BESTEST GIFT * >> AND NOW, LET'S LIGHT THE TREE! 228 00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:08,702 WHY IS IT SO SMALL? >> TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, TREESE. 229 00:26:08,702 --> 00:26:12,639 >> MERRY CHRISTMAS. >> OH, I'M WEARING MY SCOOTER BOOTS. 230 00:26:12,639 --> 00:26:14,407 >> OH, I'M WEARING MY SCOOTER BOOTS. YOU SEE? 231 00:26:36,463 --> 00:26:39,833 >> HEY, WHAT'S UP? >> WE ARE SUCH BIG FANS. >> THANK YOU. 232 00:26:39,833 --> 00:26:46,272 >> YEAH. WHEN WE SAW YOUR NAME, WE WERE LIKE, ARE YOU KIDDING? 233 00:26:46,272 --> 00:26:50,977 EMMA STONE IS HOSTING. >> YEP, IT'S ME. EMMA STONES. 234 00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:58,084 >> THE ONE AND ONLY. >> I DON'T MEAN TO BE WEIRD, BUT YOU'RE EVEN MORE STUNNING IN 235 00:26:58,084 --> 00:27:01,421 REAL LIFE. >> AND WE JUST STARTED WATCHING THE CURSE. 236 00:27:01,421 --> 00:27:05,558 IT'S AWESOME. >> THE CURSE? OH, AM I THAT BITCH FROM HARRY 237 00:27:05,558 --> 00:27:05,859 >> THE CURSE? OH, AM I THAT BITCH FROM HARRY POTTER. 238 00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:16,770 >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> TOTALLY, EMMA. 239 00:27:16,770 --> 00:27:25,478 THAT'S SO YOU. >> GUYS, YOU KNOW THE REAL REASON I'M HERE IS MARTIN AND I 240 00:27:25,478 --> 00:27:29,716 HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU. >> EMMA, I TOLD YOU, I'M TOO SCARED. 241 00:27:29,716 --> 00:27:33,520 >> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING? >> TELL THEM, MARTIN. >> WHAT'S HAPPENING? 242 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:42,862 >> EMMA AND I ARE IN LOVE. NOW GIVE ME A KISS, BABE. >> OH, WE [ BLEEP ] ALL RIGHT 243 00:27:42,862 --> 00:27:45,732 WHAT? I'M DOWN. HE LOOK LIKE A LOT OF THE WOMEN 244 00:27:45,732 --> 00:27:51,071 IN MY DMs. IT'S ABOUT TO BE LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN COLLEGE, HUH? 245 00:27:51,071 --> 00:27:56,509 >> PUNKIE, HEAD STILL. >> NO ONE IS GOING TO THINK THIS IS EMMA STONE. 246 00:27:56,509 --> 00:28:01,448 >> AND ACTION. >> I LOVE YOU, MARTIN. >> OH, DO NOT TOUCH MY PENIS. 247 00:28:01,448 --> 00:28:06,920 >> IT'S JUST A PENIS! >> WELL, IT'S MINE! >> WOW. 248 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:13,626 THAT KISS WAS AMAZING. I STILL GET BUTTERFLIES. >> I LOVE YOU, EMMA. 249 00:28:13,626 --> 00:28:16,496 I JUST HOPE MY FRIENDS UNDERSTAND. >> IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE A 250 00:28:16,496 --> 00:28:21,201 WHILE TO EARN BACK OUR TRUST. RIGHT, BEN? >> DEFINITELY. 251 00:28:21,201 --> 00:28:23,703 RIGHT, BEN? >> DEFINITELY. THIS IS A SERIOUS BETRAYAL. 252 00:28:38,651 --> 00:28:46,693 YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT. >> AT LEAST I KNOW JOHN WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. 253 00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:11,351 >> DO YOU APPROVE OF ME DATING EMMA STONE? >> WHAT DO WE ALWAYS SAY? 254 00:29:11,351 --> 00:29:16,589 >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]. >> COME HERE, MARTIN. GIVE ME ANOTHER KISS, YOU BIG 255 00:29:16,589 --> 00:29:20,527 HUNK. >> LAY IT ON ME, YOU TALL HARRY POTTER LOOKING BITCH. 256 00:29:20,527 --> 00:29:26,566 POTTER LOOKING BITCH. >> GOD, PUNKIE, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S DO IT. 257 00:29:38,244 --> 00:29:41,147 HELLO. >> HI THERE. SO FUN. 258 00:29:41,147 --> 00:29:49,055 >> WELCOME TO WHAT'S IN THE KILN WHERE AMATEUR POTTERS SHINE. I'M LORRAINE GLANS-FRIEDMAN. 259 00:29:49,055 --> 00:29:54,894 >> AND I'M JUDY FRIZZ. HERE HERE IN WOMEN'S CREEK, VERMONT, AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK 260 00:29:54,894 --> 00:29:59,065 ABOUT WHAT'S NEW AND HIP IN THE WORLD OF AMATEUR POTTERY. >> UH-OH, WATCH OUT. 261 00:29:59,065 --> 00:30:05,405 >> I'M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU'VE CREATED THIS WEEK RAINEY. >> I'LL ADMIT, I'M A LITTLE 262 00:30:05,405 --> 00:30:10,176 EXCITED TOO. IT'S JUST A MUG, BUT I THINK IT'S MY BEST YET. 263 00:30:10,176 --> 00:30:13,980 REMEMBER, FOLKS, WE'RE NOT PROFESSIONALS. HERE IT IS. 264 00:30:13,980 --> 00:30:19,619 >> OH. OH, MY GOD. RAINEY, IT'S AMAZING. 265 00:30:19,619 --> 00:30:25,025 >> YOU THINK? >> YES. I LIKE HOW HEAVY IT IS. 266 00:30:25,025 --> 00:30:27,427 IT'S LIKE A WORKOUT TO DRINK OUT OF IT. >> RIGHT? 267 00:30:27,427 --> 00:30:32,432 AND IT NEVER LOOKS DIRTY BECAUSE IT NEVER LOOKS CLEAN. >> NO, IT DOESN'T. 268 00:30:32,432 --> 00:30:37,771 >> ENOUGH ABOUT ME. WHAT DID YOU CREATE THIS WEEK? >> WELL, I MADE SOME FINGER 269 00:30:37,771 --> 00:30:40,340 BASINS. >> SO FUN. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A 270 00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:45,045 FINGER BASIN AND A BOWL? >> MY HUSBAND SAID I COULDN'T BRING HOME ANY MORE BOWLS. 271 00:30:45,045 --> 00:30:49,716 >> BEEN THERE. >> SO I MADE THREE FINGER BASINS. 272 00:30:49,716 --> 00:30:53,853 I WANTED TO MAKE SOMETHING STACKABLE SO THEY USE LESS SPACE. 273 00:30:53,853 --> 00:30:58,658 >> THAT'S A SMART IDEA. >> HERE THEY ARE. >> OH, INCREDIBLE. 274 00:30:58,658 --> 00:31:02,195 WOW. GOSH, THEY JUST DISAPPEAR INTO EACH OTHER. 275 00:31:02,195 --> 00:31:08,702 >> YEAH, AND THERE'S THREE OF THEM, SO IF YOU STILL HAVE ONE LEFT OVER IF YOUR HUSBAND 276 00:31:08,702 --> 00:31:14,140 ACCIDENTALLY DROPS TWO WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF THE ROOM. >> HE IS SO CLUMSY. 277 00:31:14,140 --> 00:31:20,380 >> HE IS. I LOVE THE REACTION MY FAMILY HAS WHEN THEY OPEN ONE OF MY 278 00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:30,123 HAND-MADE BOWLS. IT'S LIKE, WHA -- WHA -- WHOA. WHOA. 279 00:31:30,123 --> 00:31:33,626 WHOA. >> I GET THAT TOO. WELL, OUR GUEST TODAY HAS BEEN 280 00:31:33,626 --> 00:31:38,098 MAKING INCREDIBLE GIFTS HERE FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS. >> SHE'S AN AMATEUR POTTER BUT 281 00:31:38,098 --> 00:31:49,142 THE STAR OF OUR STUDIO. WE'RE SO EXCITED TO WELCOME CODY CARABINER-WEST. 282 00:31:49,142 --> 00:31:53,847 >> WELCOME. >> THANK YOU. SORRY MY HANDS ARE A LITTLE 283 00:31:53,847 --> 00:31:58,818 SCUFFED. WE HAD TO WRANGLE A POSSUM OUT OF THE COMPOST. 284 00:31:58,818 --> 00:32:03,390 >> WE ARE SO HONORED. YOUR STUFF IS AMAZING. >> I LOVE THAT POTTERY IS SO 285 00:32:03,390 --> 00:32:06,926 PERSONAL. THESE DAYS PEOPLE DON'T WANT SOMETHING MADE BY A MACHINE. 286 00:32:06,926 --> 00:32:12,065 THEY WANT SOMETHING MADE BY A PREMENOPAUSAL LADY IN A FLEECE VEST. 287 00:32:12,065 --> 00:32:16,503 >> THAT IS SO TRUE. PEOPLE, CODY'S STUFF IS ON ANOTHER LEVEL. 288 00:32:16,503 --> 00:32:21,241 LOOK AT THE BOWLS ME AND JUDY DID. >> OH, GOSH. 289 00:32:21,241 --> 00:32:25,912 BLAH. >> AND NOW LOOK AT CODY'S. >> I MEAN, LOOK AT THE 290 00:32:25,912 --> 00:32:28,081 DIFFERENCE. IT'S LIKE NIGHT AND DAY. >> NIGHT AND DAY. 291 00:32:28,081 --> 00:32:33,386 >> DON'T WORRY, LADIES. YOU WILL GET THERE. >> WELL, NOW, I HEAR THAT YOU 292 00:32:33,386 --> 00:32:38,591 BROUGHT A FEW THINGS FROM THE KILN THIS WEEK, SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU MADE. 293 00:32:38,591 --> 00:32:43,630 >> SURE. THIS FIRST PIECE STARTED OUT AS THE VIRGIN MARY WITH CHILD. 294 00:32:43,630 --> 00:32:50,870 >> WHAT'S IT NOW? >> IT'S A BOWL. HERE IT IS. 295 00:32:50,870 --> 00:32:55,108 >> OH, WOW. >> DREAM. DREAM, SO THOUGHT PROVOKING. 296 00:32:55,108 --> 00:32:59,112 >> THANK YOU. IT'S A FOYER BOWL. >> AND WHAT IS THAT? 297 00:32:59,112 --> 00:33:05,385 >> A FOYER BOWL SITS BY THE FRONT DOOR AND JUST HOLDS EVERYTHING, FOUR COINS, ONE 298 00:33:05,385 --> 00:33:10,357 PILL, ONE KEY THAT OPENS NOTHING, ONE EARRING BACK, YOUR HUSBAND'S WEDDING BAND, ET 299 00:33:10,357 --> 00:33:13,326 CETERA. >> OKAY. BUT YOU MAKE MORE THAN BOWLS, 300 00:33:13,326 --> 00:33:17,530 RIGHT? >> I HAVE STARTED BRANCHING OUT. I'M TRYING TO GET BOLD. 301 00:33:17,530 --> 00:33:20,166 >> OH. >> HERE'S A PIECE I DID LAST WEEK. 302 00:33:20,166 --> 00:33:24,471 I WASN'T GOING TO SHARE. OH, ALL RIGHT. >> OH. 303 00:33:24,471 --> 00:33:30,844 >> OH, MY GOD. >> WOW. THAT IS SO LAYERED. 304 00:33:30,844 --> 00:33:33,646 >> OH, WOW. OKAY. >> WOW. 305 00:33:33,646 --> 00:33:40,720 >> I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO FORWARD, BUT IS THAT A REPLICA OF YOUR VAGINA? 306 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:47,293 >> NO. NO, NO, NO. IT IS A REPLICA OF MY MOTHER'S 307 00:33:47,293 --> 00:33:53,099 VAGINA. >> OH, SURE, SURE. >> AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A 308 00:33:53,099 --> 00:33:55,902 CABBAGE. I SEE IT NOW. THE VAGINA. 309 00:33:55,902 --> 00:34:05,045 >> NOW, WHEN YOU SCULPT YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA, DO YOU USE A PICTURE AS A REFERENCE? 310 00:34:05,045 --> 00:34:11,418 >> OF COURSE. I WANTED TO BE ACCURATE. >> AND WHERE DO YOU GET A PHOTO 311 00:34:11,418 --> 00:34:13,053 LIKE THAT? >> JUST GOOGLE. >> IT'S AMAZING. 312 00:34:13,053 --> 00:34:17,924 I WOULD PAY BIG BUCKS FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> IT'S ACTUALLY FOR SALE. 313 00:34:17,924 --> 00:34:22,862 I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SELL IT TO EITHER OF YOU RIGHT NOW. I'M KIDDING. 314 00:34:22,862 --> 00:34:29,636 I WAS WORRIED THAT MY MOTHER'S VAGINA WOULD BE A TOUGH SALE, BUT THANKFULLY I FOUND A BUYER. 315 00:34:29,636 --> 00:34:32,138 >> WHO'S THAT? >> MY FATHER. >> OKAY. 316 00:34:32,138 --> 00:34:37,277 WITH THAT, LET'S TAKE A BREAK. >> WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON WHAT'S IN THE KILN. 317 00:34:37,277 --> 00:34:45,085 QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT, THIS FRIDAY'S WINE DRINKING AND GLASS BLOWING CLASS HAS BEEN CANCELED 318 00:34:56,496 --> 00:35:01,301 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOAH KAHAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 319 00:35:01,301 --> 00:35:04,037 * I'M REMEMBERIN' I PROMISED TO FORGET YOU NOW * 320 00:35:04,037 --> 00:35:11,044 * BUT IT'S RAININ' AND I'M CALLIN' DRUNK * * AND MY MEDICINE 321 00:35:11,044 --> 00:35:14,681 IS DROWNIN' YOUR PERSPECTIVE OUT * * SO I AIN'T TAKIN' 322 00:35:14,681 --> 00:35:20,053 ANY FAULT AM I HONEST STILL * * AM I HALF THE MAN 323 00:35:20,053 --> 00:35:23,790 I USED TO BE * * I DOUBT IT FORGET ABOUT IT 324 00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:34,934 WHATEVER IT'S ALL THE SAME, ANYWAYS * * I AIN'T PROUD OF ALL 325 00:35:34,934 --> 00:35:39,205 THE PUNCHES THAT I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME 326 00:35:39,205 --> 00:35:42,976 OF SOMEONE I NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME OF 327 00:35:42,976 --> 00:35:47,747 BEING YOUNG DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS 328 00:35:47,747 --> 00:35:52,619 AND A TRANSMITTER RADIO * * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW ME 329 00:35:52,619 --> 00:35:56,356 IN THE CAR * * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY 330 00:35:56,356 --> 00:36:00,627 PHONE CALL * * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT 331 00:36:00,627 --> 00:36:05,498 YOU WERE WRONG FOR HANGIN' UP * * I DIAL DRUNK 332 00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:14,574 I'LL DIE A DRUNK I'LL DIE FOR YOU * * I'M UNTETHERIN' 333 00:36:14,574 --> 00:36:18,311 FROM THE PARTS OF ME YOU'D RECOGNIZE * * FROM CHARMIN' 334 00:36:18,311 --> 00:36:24,184 TO ALARMIN' IN SECONDS * * I'LL BE BEDRIDDEN I'LL LET THE PAIN 335 00:36:24,184 --> 00:36:29,489 METASTASIZE * * BUT THAT'S MORNIN' I'LL FORGET IT 336 00:36:29,489 --> 00:36:38,531 AND THE DIAL TONE IS ALL I HAVE * * I AIN'T PROUD OF ALL 337 00:36:38,531 --> 00:36:42,268 THE PUNCHES THAT I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME 338 00:36:42,268 --> 00:36:46,506 OF SOMEONE I NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME 339 00:36:46,506 --> 00:36:51,311 OF BEING YOUNG DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS 340 00:36:51,311 --> 00:36:56,082 AND A TRANSMITTER RADIO * * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW 341 00:36:56,082 --> 00:37:00,353 ME IN THE CAR * * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY 342 00:37:00,353 --> 00:37:04,591 PHONE CALL * * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT 343 00:37:04,591 --> 00:37:08,862 YOU WERE WRONG FOR HANGIN' UP * * I DIAL DRUNK 344 00:37:08,862 --> 00:37:19,039 I'D DIE A DRUNK I'D DIE FOR YOU * ** 345 00:37:19,039 --> 00:37:22,175 * I BEG YOU, SIR JUST LET ME CALL I'LL GIVE YOU 346 00:37:22,175 --> 00:37:27,480 MY BLOOD ALCOHOL * * I'LL ROT WITH ALL THE BURNOUTS IN THE CELL 347 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,183 I'LL CHANGE MY FAITH I'LL PRAISE THE FLAG * * LET'S WAIT 348 00:37:30,183 --> 00:37:32,886 I SWEAR SHE'LL CALL ME BACK * * SON, ARE YOU A 349 00:37:32,886 --> 00:37:38,224 DANGER TO YOURSELF I BEG YOU, SIR JUST LET ME CALL * 350 00:37:38,224 --> 00:37:41,928 * I'LL GIVE YOU MY BLOOD ALCOHOL I'LL ROT WITH ALL THE 351 00:37:41,928 --> 00:37:46,733 BURNOUTS IN THE CELL * * I'LL CHANGE MY FAITH I'LL KISS THE BADGE 352 00:37:46,733 --> 00:37:49,903 LET'S WAIT, I SWEAR SHE'LL CALL ME BACK * * SON, WHY DO YOU 353 00:37:49,903 --> 00:37:55,241 DO THIS TO YOURSELF AND I SAID * * I AIN'T PROUD 354 00:37:55,241 --> 00:37:59,112 OF ALL THE PUNCHES THAT I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME OF SOMEONE 355 00:37:59,112 --> 00:38:03,216 I NO LONGER KNOW I NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME OF 356 00:38:03,216 --> 00:38:08,021 BEING YOUNG DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS 357 00:38:08,021 --> 00:38:12,792 AND A TRANSMITTER RADIO * * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW 358 00:38:12,792 --> 00:38:18,598 ME IN THE CAR * * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY PHONE CALL * 359 00:38:18,598 --> 00:38:21,835 * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT YOU WERE WRONG 360 00:38:21,835 --> 00:38:26,606 FOR HANGIN' UP * * I DIAL DRUNK I'D DIE A DRUNK 361 00:38:26,606 --> 00:38:36,883 I'D DIE FOR YOU * >> I'D DIE FOR YOU SNL. OR AT LEAST SERIOUSLY INJURE 362 00:38:36,883 --> 00:38:46,826 MYSELF. * I AIN'T PROUD OF ALL THE PUNCHES 363 00:38:46,826 --> 00:38:50,563 I'VE THROWN * * IN THE NAME OF SOMEONE I 364 00:38:50,563 --> 00:38:54,868 NO LONGER KNOW * * FOR THE SHAME OF BEING YOUNG 365 00:38:54,868 --> 00:39:02,842 DRUNK AND ALONE * * TRAFFIC LIGHTS AND TRANSMITTER RADIOS * 366 00:39:02,842 --> 00:39:06,579 * I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN THEY THREW ME IN THE CAR * 367 00:39:06,579 --> 00:39:10,850 * I GAVE YOUR NAME AS MY EMERGENCY PHONE CALL * * HONEY, IT RANG AND RANG 368 00:39:10,850 --> 00:39:15,088 EVEN THE COPS THOUGHT YOU WERE WRONG FOR HANGIN' UP * 369 00:39:15,088 --> 00:39:20,760 * I DIAL DRUNK I'D DIE A DRUNK I'D DIE FOR YOU * 370 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:28,902 I'D DIE A DRUNK I'D DIE FOR YOU * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 371 00:39:45,552 --> 00:39:48,855 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. 372 00:39:48,855 --> 00:39:50,223 THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. 373 00:39:50,223 --> 00:39:54,627 THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." 374 00:39:54,627 --> 00:40:00,700 I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, THIS WEEK, WE SAID 375 00:40:00,700 --> 00:40:07,073 GOOD-BYE TO A FORMER FIRST LADY, A FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE SUPREME COURT'S FIRST FEMALE 376 00:40:07,073 --> 00:40:11,778 JUSTICE, AND ALSO A GUY WHO CLAIMS TO BE ALL THREE OF THOSE THINGS. 377 00:40:11,778 --> 00:40:18,351 FORMER REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE SWALLOWING EVIDENCE, WAS EXPELLED FROM 378 00:40:18,351 --> 00:40:38,805 CONGRESS ON FRIDAY BY A VOTE OF 114 SHANTAY YOU STAYS TO 311 SASHAY AWAYS. 379 00:40:38,805 --> 00:40:45,912 >> MELANIA SAID SHE WAS DEEPLY SADDENED TO BE REMINDED YOUR PARTNER CAN LIVE THAT LONG. 380 00:40:45,912 --> 00:40:54,754 ELON MUSK MET WITH BENJAMIN THIS WEEK AND AGREED THAT ISRAEL MUST DESTROY HAMAS, AND I THINK MUSK 381 00:40:54,754 --> 00:41:03,063 COULD DESTROY HAMAS ALMOST INSTANTLY BY BECOMING THEIR CEO. >> DURING AN INTERVIEW, ELON 382 00:41:03,063 --> 00:41:11,071 MUSK, WHO LOOKED LIKE THE GHOST OF A GUY WHO DIED IN A 1950s DRAG RACE WAS ASKED IF HE WAS 383 00:41:11,071 --> 00:41:15,909 ANTI-SEMITIC AND SAID THAT HE WAS IN FACT FILO SEMATIC. YOU KNOW, ANOTHER ANSWER WOULD 384 00:41:15,909 --> 00:41:23,616 BE NO. FIRST LADY JILL BIDEN ALSO UNVEILED A NEW ICE RINK NEAR THE 385 00:41:23,616 --> 00:41:27,253 WHITE HOUSE SETTING THE STAGE FOR NEXT WEEK'S HEADLINE, PRESIDENT SHATTERS PELVIS ON ICE 386 00:41:27,253 --> 00:41:35,862 RINK. >> IN HER NEW BOOK, LIZ CHENEY CLAIMS THAT ONE REPUBLICAN 387 00:41:35,862 --> 00:41:39,599 CALLED DONALD TRUMP ORANGE JESUS. IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY, COLIN, 388 00:41:39,599 --> 00:41:48,108 THERE'S ONLY ONE JESUS, AND HE'S WHITE. YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS SAY 389 00:41:48,108 --> 00:41:53,580 THAT. >> YEAH, I ALWAYS SAY THAT. DISNEY ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'LL BE 390 00:41:53,580 --> 00:42:01,087 MAKING TWO MORE SEQUELS TO FROZEN, BUT BY THE TIME THEY COME OUT, THE ONLY THING FROZEN 391 00:42:01,087 --> 00:42:11,698 WILL BE ELSA'S EGGS. SHE WANTS A CAREER. >> WHAT? 392 00:42:11,698 --> 00:42:24,377 >> MIRIAM-WEBSTER ANNOUNCED ONE OF THE SITE'S MOST LOOKED UP WORDS OF 2023 WAS RIZ, WHICH IS 393 00:42:24,377 --> 00:42:28,648 SLANG FOR CHARISMA. BUT IF YOU HAVE TO LOOK IT UP, BITCH, YOU AIN'T GOT IT. 394 00:42:28,648 --> 00:42:35,255 >> ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF THE BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT ANNOUNCED HE IS SUPPORTING 395 00:42:35,255 --> 00:42:40,794 DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT, AND I ASSUME HE ANNOUNCED IT DURING A TRAFFIC STOP. 396 00:42:44,998 --> 00:42:54,274 >> AUSTRALIA IS MOVING TO BAN DISPOSABLE NICOTINE VAPES. HERE TO COMMENT ON VAPING IS AN 397 00:42:54,274 --> 00:43:00,046 OLD FASHIONED CIGARETTE. >> YEAH. HELLO, EVERYONE. 398 00:43:00,046 --> 00:43:04,050 HELLO, COLIN. >> HEY. IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU, 399 00:43:04,050 --> 00:43:07,654 CIGARETTE. >> MEET ME? >> YEAH, OKAY. 400 00:43:07,654 --> 00:43:13,960 OH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON TV, WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE. MY BUTT'S BEEN IN YOUR MOUTH 401 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:17,731 LIKE A MILLION TIMES. >> I DON'T SMOKE. >> ARE YOUR PARENTS WATCHING 402 00:43:17,731 --> 00:43:19,499 TONIGHT? ALL RIGHT. I'LL PLAY ALONG. 403 00:43:19,499 --> 00:43:23,870 >> THANK YOU FOR COMING. HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> COLIN, I'VE BEEN BETTER. 404 00:43:23,870 --> 00:43:28,742 IT AIN'T EASY BEING A CIGARETTE THESE DAYS. EVERYONE WANTS TO VAPE. 405 00:43:28,742 --> 00:43:32,078 OOH, LET'S VAPE. CAN I HIT YOUR VAPE? AND NOW LOOK, THE CHILDREN ARE 406 00:43:32,078 --> 00:43:36,983 DEAD. GREAT JOB, GUYS. VAPES ARE SO MUCH BETTER. 407 00:43:36,983 --> 00:43:40,120 >> THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING. ALSO, YOU'RE NOT SO INNOCENT YOURSELF. 408 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:46,092 I MEAN, BEFORE VAPES, KIDS DEFINITELY SMOKED CIGARETTES. >> TRUE. 409 00:43:46,092 --> 00:43:50,296 BUT THEY LOOKED COOL DOING IT, SO IT WAS FINE. YOU EVER SEE A KID VAPE? 410 00:43:50,296 --> 00:43:54,701 THEY DON'T EVEN DO IT WITH CONFIDENCE. BLOWING IT DOWN THEIR LITTLE 411 00:43:54,701 --> 00:43:57,570 SHIRTS, DORKS. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 412 00:43:57,570 --> 00:44:03,476 CIGARETTES ARE STILL BAD, THOUGH. >> THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE COOL 413 00:44:03,476 --> 00:44:08,048 NICKNAMES FOR VAPES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL A CIGARETTE IN LONDON? 414 00:44:08,048 --> 00:44:12,052 >> YES, I DO. >> SAY IT. >> I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT. 415 00:44:12,052 --> 00:44:17,090 >> RELAX. NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE IT OUT OF CONTEXT AND MAKE IT A MEME. 416 00:44:17,090 --> 00:44:20,627 >> ALL RIGHT. WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF VAPES. 417 00:44:20,627 --> 00:44:24,397 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT AUSTRALIA AND OTHER COUNTRIES TRYING TO BAN THEM? 418 00:44:24,397 --> 00:44:29,469 >> WELCOME TO THE SHOW, VAPES. FIRST TIME? THEY USED TO LOVE ME TOO. 419 00:44:29,469 --> 00:44:34,307 NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME DO GO THE WAY OF THE DO-DO. IT'LL NEVER WORK. 420 00:44:34,307 --> 00:44:41,081 YOU KNOW HOW GOOD SMOKING A CIGARETTE IS? WE'RE DESSERT FOR SEX. 421 00:44:41,081 --> 00:44:47,153 HEY, THAT SEX WAS GOOD, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW? ME, BABY. 422 00:44:47,153 --> 00:44:49,723 >> YEAH. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO STICK AROUND THIS LONG? 423 00:44:49,723 --> 00:44:55,095 >> I'M COOL. AND YOU'RE COOL IF YOU SMOKE ME. NBC PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT ME 424 00:44:55,095 --> 00:45:02,902 SAYING THIS DIRECTLY TO KIDS, BUT SMOKING MAKES YOU SKINNY AND POPULAR. 425 00:45:02,902 --> 00:45:09,609 AND FOR GUYS, IT ADDS A COUPLE INCHES. >> CIGARETTE, COME ON. 426 00:45:09,609 --> 00:45:12,045 >> I KNOW. I KNOW. I'M BAD. 427 00:45:12,045 --> 00:45:18,818 BUT GOD I LOOK GOOD. CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR VAPES. LOOK AT THESE STUDS ON TEAM 428 00:45:18,818 --> 00:45:24,324 CIGARETTE. >> OH, YEAH, MARLIN BRANDO. >> COOL GUY NUMBER ONE IN MY 429 00:45:24,324 --> 00:45:26,493 DAY. WHO ELSE? >> ELIZABETH TAYLOR. 430 00:45:26,493 --> 00:45:33,066 SOUTHEAST COOL TOO. >> SHE'S LIKE MARLIN BRANDO BUT GIRL. 431 00:45:33,066 --> 00:45:35,835 KEEP IT GOING. >> RON JEREMY? >> YOUR HERO. 432 00:45:35,835 --> 00:45:40,974 SEE I TOLD YOU IT ADDED A FEW INCHES. >> ISN'T HE IN PRISON FOR 433 00:45:40,974 --> 00:45:46,413 SOMETHING HORRIBLE? >> NOT HIM THEN. STILL, THOUGH, TAYLOR AND 434 00:45:46,413 --> 00:45:48,281 BRANDO. NOT BAD. LOOK WHO THEY'VE GOT ON TEAM 435 00:45:48,281 --> 00:45:54,254 VAPE. JUST SAYING. >> VAPES DIDN'T EVEN EXIST BACK 436 00:45:54,254 --> 00:45:58,091 THEN. >> OH, OKAY. DEFEND HIM. 437 00:45:58,091 --> 00:46:02,128 >> I'M NOT DEFENDING -- ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? 438 00:46:02,128 --> 00:46:05,865 NO MORE PICTURES. >> ONE MORE PICTURE. IT'LL BE GOOD THIS TIME. 439 00:46:05,865 --> 00:46:07,400 ONE MORE. >> ALL RIGHT. FINE. 440 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:10,503 ONE MORE. IT'S THE SAME ONE! >> I DID THE SAME PICTURE. 441 00:46:10,503 --> 00:46:14,808 I'M A CIGARETTE. I'M A BAD BOY. >> OLD FASHIONED CIGARETTE, 442 00:46:14,808 --> 00:46:17,544 >> OLD FASHIONED CIGARETTE, EVERYONE. >> FIND ME IN YOUR MOM'S PURSE. 443 00:46:24,484 --> 00:46:32,892 THEIR FIRST -- [ LAUGHTER ] NEXT WEEK LIFETIME WILL AIR 444 00:46:32,892 --> 00:46:38,398 THEIR FIRST CHRISTMAS MOVIE FEATURING A SEX SCENE. THE SEX SCENE WILL FINALLY 445 00:46:38,398 --> 00:46:44,304 EXPLAIN WHY SANTA NAMED THAT ONE REINDEER VIXEN. THAT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR A 446 00:46:44,304 --> 00:46:48,341 REINDEER, MAN. >> A DISNEYLAND GUEST WAS ARRESTED FOR STRIPPING OFF HIS 447 00:46:48,341 --> 00:46:54,080 CLOTHES AND WALKING AROUND NUDE ON IT'S A SMALL WORLD. WHICH IS THE ALL-TIME WORST 448 00:46:54,080 --> 00:47:07,761 ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, SO WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR? A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT YOUR RISK 449 00:47:07,761 --> 00:47:14,801 OF DEVELOPING DIABETES DEPENDS ON HOW FAST YOU WALK AND WHETHER THIS SOUND PLAYS WHILE YOU'RE 450 00:47:14,801 --> 00:47:24,344 WALKING. ** >> A NEW REPORT CLAIMS THAT 451 00:47:24,344 --> 00:47:29,382 RECENT STORIES ON THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED WEBSITE WERE ACTUALLY GENERATED BY AI, AND 452 00:47:29,382 --> 00:47:36,222 IT'S ALREADY MAKING DELIRIOUS MISTAKES. IT MADE UP SOMETHING CALLED THE 453 00:47:36,222 --> 00:47:42,095 WNBA? I KNOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT 454 00:47:42,095 --> 00:47:52,872 STANDS FOR. >> DORITOS HAS CREATED A NEW SOFTWARE CALLED DORITOS SILENT, 455 00:47:52,872 --> 00:47:58,111 WHICH REMOVES THE SOUND OF EATING FROM VIDEO CALLS. TACO BELL IS WORKING ON NEW 456 00:47:58,111 --> 00:48:06,519 SOFTWARE THAT REMOVES THE SOUND OF SCREAMING FROM BATHROOMS. >> THIS WEEK, SKY GAZERS WERE 457 00:48:06,519 --> 00:48:10,256 TREATED TO THE BEAVER MOON, WHICH IS ONLY VISIBLE FOR A FEW SECONDS WHEN THE MOON GETS OUT 458 00:48:10,256 --> 00:48:21,034 OF THE SHOWER. I LIKE THIS SHOW. >> AND PLANS FOR A 459 00:48:21,034 --> 00:48:26,539 THREE-YEAR-LONG AROUND THE WORLD CRUISE WERE CANCELED AFTER ORGANIZERS COULD NOT FIND A SHIP 460 00:48:26,539 --> 00:48:36,616 FOR THE VOYAGE. GUYS, CALL ME. FOR "WEEKEND 461 00:48:52,165 --> 00:49:01,274 * YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC, SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * 462 00:49:01,274 --> 00:49:16,523 * MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SINGS ALONG * 463 00:49:16,523 --> 00:49:23,029 >> OOH, BABY, BABY, BABY. CUT AND PRINT. OH, YOU NAILED THAT TAKE, MAMA 464 00:49:23,029 --> 00:49:28,034 CASS. >> YOU REALLY THINK SO, MITCH? >> OH, MITCH LESTER KNOWS A HIT 465 00:49:28,034 --> 00:49:39,079 WHEN HE HEARS ONE, BABY. YOU AGREE, RECORD LABEL PEOPLE? >> WE'RE ANTICIPATING MAJOR AIR 466 00:49:39,079 --> 00:49:40,880 PLAY. >> THE DJs ARE ALREADY CALLED. >> SO ARE THE LATE NIGHT SHOWS. 467 00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:44,150 >> THIS SONG IS GOING TO BE EVERYWHERE, MAMA, AND THEN EVERYBODY'S GOING TO FORGET 468 00:49:44,150 --> 00:49:47,921 ABOUT IT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. >> OH. OH, NO. 469 00:49:47,921 --> 00:49:52,926 REALLY? >> OH, YEAH, BABY. BUT, IN ABOUT 40-50 YEARS, I 470 00:49:52,926 --> 00:49:56,663 THINK IT'S GOING TO START SHOWING UP IN A BUNCH OF MOVIES, BABY. 471 00:49:56,663 --> 00:50:00,667 >> WOW, MOVIES. >> YEAH. BECAUSE IT'S A PERFECT SONG TO 472 00:50:00,667 --> 00:50:06,639 GO UNDER A SLOW MO MONTAGE WHERE THE MAIN CHARACTER SNAPS AND GOES ON A RAMPAGE. 473 00:50:06,639 --> 00:50:11,077 >> IT IS? >> OH, YEAH, BABY. LET ME SHOW YOU. 474 00:50:11,077 --> 00:50:15,115 ZOMBIES TAKE OVER THE WORLD, YOU SEE, AND I'M THE MAIN GIRL, AND I'M ALL ALONE. 475 00:50:15,115 --> 00:50:30,563 HIT IT. * NOBODY CAN TELL YOU * >> ZOMBIES EATING PEOPLE, CITY'S 476 00:50:30,563 --> 00:50:36,569 ON FIRE. I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP. I'M A VICTIM. 477 00:50:36,569 --> 00:50:42,142 OR MAYBE NOT * TO SEE SOMEONE LIKE YOU * >> I START TO FIGHT BACK AND 478 00:50:42,142 --> 00:50:47,380 GRAB A SHOTGUN. BAM! * MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC * 479 00:50:47,380 --> 00:50:59,492 >> BAM, BAM! * SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * >> BLOW! 480 00:50:59,492 --> 00:51:04,397 * EVEN IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW MY FACE * >> THAT WAS AMAZING, MITCH! 481 00:51:04,397 --> 00:51:09,269 >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YOU SMELL WHAT I'M STEPPING IN, 482 00:51:09,269 --> 00:51:16,409 MAMA? YOU SEE, I THINK PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE ARE REALLY GONNA LOVE 483 00:51:16,409 --> 00:51:20,613 THAT. >> I DON'T KNOW, MITCH, THE SONG IS ABOUT CELEBRATING 484 00:51:20,613 --> 00:51:24,451 INDIVIDUALITY, NOT ZOMBIES. >> DIG, DIG. FORGET THE ZOMBIES. 485 00:51:24,451 --> 00:51:29,989 BAD EXAMPLE. HOW ABOUT THIS? MOVIE IS I'M A PROSTITUTE. 486 00:51:29,989 --> 00:51:36,229 I SERVICE SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN THE CITY, AND THEY'RE AWFUL TO ME, BUT HOW CAN 487 00:51:36,229 --> 00:51:45,572 I POWERLESS PROSTITUTE GET EVEN WITH THESE BIG WIGS, RIGHT? WE'LL FIND OUT AT THIS SWANKY 488 00:51:45,572 --> 00:51:49,676 PARTY THEY'RE ALL AT. HIT IT * NOBODY CAN TELL YOU * 489 00:51:49,676 --> 00:51:53,980 >> I COME IN. I'M IN A DRESS * THERE'S ONLY ONE SONG WORTH 490 00:51:53,980 --> 00:52:00,053 SINGING * >> ALL THE BIG WIGS SEE ME. * THEY MAY TRY AND SELL YA * 491 00:52:00,053 --> 00:52:05,658 >> THEY'RE NOT WORRIED. SHE'S JUST A WHORE * BECAUSE IT HANGS THEM UP TO 492 00:52:05,658 --> 00:52:14,100 SEE SOMEONE LIKE YOU * >> I'VE GOT A SWORD, SLICE! SLICE, BLOW! 493 00:52:14,100 --> 00:52:23,743 * MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC, SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * * SLICE IS GUY'S LAST THING OFF, 494 00:52:23,743 --> 00:52:29,349 SMILE ON MY FACE * >> OH, AMAZING. >> I LOVED IT. 495 00:52:29,349 --> 00:52:37,557 >> AMAZING. >> YOU SEEING THIS NOW, MAMA? >> NO, I DON'T WANT THIS SONG 496 00:52:37,557 --> 00:52:44,097 USED IN VIOLENT MOVIES. >> WELL, OKAY. HOW ABOUT A MOVIE TRAILER THEN? 497 00:52:44,097 --> 00:52:50,537 OH, TRAILER IS SHOT OF A FRENCH CATHEDRAL. YOU PAN DOWN TO A PILE OF DIRT. 498 00:52:50,537 --> 00:52:55,141 MAMA, SING THIS ONE LIKE A HAUNTED CHILD THIS TIME. HIT IT 499 00:52:55,141 --> 00:53:02,282 * YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC * >> HAND SHOOTS UP OUT OF THE 500 00:53:02,282 --> 00:53:09,823 DIRT. * SING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG * >> WEIRD GIRL IN BURNED CLOTHES 501 00:53:09,823 --> 00:53:17,197 CRAWLS OUT ALL HERKY JERKY. * MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC * >> BURN HER! 502 00:53:17,197 --> 00:53:22,936 BURN THE TRAITOR! * EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SINGS ALONG * 503 00:53:22,936 --> 00:53:26,940 >> LOOK UP TO CAMERA, WHO IS SHE. >> IT'S FREAKING JOAN OF ARK. 504 00:53:26,940 --> 00:53:42,956 I'M BACK. >> JOAN, HALLOWEEN 2024. >> SEE THAT? 505 00:53:42,956 --> 00:53:46,893 >> WHAT? NO. FELLAS, I'M JUST NOT ON BOARD 506 00:53:46,893 --> 00:53:51,664 WITH THIS. THIS IS MY SONG, AND I'LL DECIDE HOW IT'S USED. 507 00:53:51,664 --> 00:53:59,939 >> MAMA, MAMA, THIS IS THE MUSIC BIZ, BABY. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. 508 00:53:59,939 --> 00:54:09,916 >> NOTHING I CAN DO. THINK AGAIN. * YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN 509 00:54:09,916 --> 00:54:18,091 * YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SINGS ALONG * 510 00:54:30,370 --> 00:54:38,111 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * AS YOU PROMISED ME THAT I WAS MORE THAN ALL 511 00:54:38,111 --> 00:54:41,881 THE MILES COMBINED * * YOU MUST HAVE HAD YOURSELF A CHANGE OF HEART LIKE 512 00:54:41,881 --> 00:54:45,585 HALFWAY THROUGH THE DRIVE * * BECAUSE YOUR VOICE TRAILED OFF EXACTLY 513 00:54:45,585 --> 00:54:50,357 AS YOU PASSED MY EXIT SIGN * * KEPT ON DRIVIN' STRAIGHT AND LEFT OUR FUTURE 514 00:54:50,357 --> 00:54:54,094 TO THE RIGHT * * NOW I AM STUCK BETWEEN MY ANGER 515 00:54:54,094 --> 00:54:57,797 AND THE BLAME THAT I CAN'T FACE * * AND MEMORIES ARE SOMETHIN' 516 00:54:57,797 --> 00:55:02,635 EVEN SMOKING WEED DOES NOT REPLACE * * AND I AM TERRIFIED OF 517 00:55:02,635 --> 00:55:05,939 WEATHER 'CAUSE I SEE YOU WHEN IT RAINS * * DOC TOLD ME TO TRAVEL 518 00:55:05,939 --> 00:55:10,110 BUT THERE'S COVID ON THE PLANES * * AND I LOVE VERMONT 519 00:55:10,110 --> 00:55:15,415 BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS * * AND I SAW YOUR MOM 520 00:55:15,415 --> 00:55:20,220 SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED * * AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT BUT I JUST LIKE TO 521 00:55:20,220 --> 00:55:23,923 PLAY THE VICTIM * * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL 'TIL MY FRIENDS COME 522 00:55:23,923 --> 00:55:29,763 HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT OF SOME VERSION OF YOU 523 00:55:29,763 --> 00:55:36,136 THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BUT I DID NOT LOSE * * NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS 524 00:55:36,136 --> 00:55:50,083 AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * 525 00:55:50,083 --> 00:55:51,718 * ALL RIGHT ONE TWO THREE SO I THOUGHT THAT IF I PILED SOMETHING 526 00:55:51,718 --> 00:55:53,753 GOOD ON ALL MY BAD * * THAT I COULD CANCEL OUT THE DARKNESS 527 00:55:53,753 --> 00:55:56,389 I INHERITED FROM DAD * * NO I AM NO LONGER FUNNY 'CAUSE I MISS 528 00:55:56,389 --> 00:56:00,627 THE WAY YOU LAUGH * * YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN'T 529 00:56:00,627 --> 00:56:04,864 CALL ME BACK * * AND I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE 530 00:56:04,864 --> 00:56:11,338 SEASON OF THE STICKS * * AND I SAW YOUR MOM SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED * 531 00:56:11,338 --> 00:56:15,041 * AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT BUT I JUST LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM * 532 00:56:15,041 --> 00:56:19,312 * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL 'TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * 533 00:56:19,312 --> 00:56:25,151 * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE 534 00:56:25,151 --> 00:56:31,524 BUT I DID NOT LOSE * * NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES 535 00:56:31,524 --> 00:56:39,065 AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * ** 536 00:56:39,065 --> 00:56:48,375 * OH THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * ** * MY ORE HALF WAS YOU * 537 00:56:48,375 --> 00:56:52,445 * I HOPE THIS PAIN'S JUST PASSIN' THROUGH YEAH I DOUBT IT * 538 00:56:52,445 --> 00:56:56,149 * AND I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS * 539 00:56:56,149 --> 00:57:02,022 * AND I SAW YOUR MOM SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT * 540 00:57:02,022 --> 00:57:05,759 * BUT I JUST LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM * * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL 541 00:57:05,759 --> 00:57:11,097 'TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT 542 00:57:11,097 --> 00:57:17,037 OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BUT I DID NOT LOSE * 543 00:57:17,037 --> 00:57:22,242 * NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF 544 00:57:22,242 --> 00:57:41,361 BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * ** ** 545 00:57:41,361 --> 00:57:45,665 * AND I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS * 546 00:57:45,665 --> 00:57:52,072 * AND I SAW YOUR MOM SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT * 547 00:57:52,072 --> 00:57:55,241 * BUT I JUST LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM * * I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL 548 00:57:55,241 --> 00:58:00,580 'TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS * * AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT 549 00:58:00,580 --> 00:58:06,453 OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BUT I DID NOT LOSE * 550 00:58:06,453 --> 00:58:11,791 * NOW YOUR TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF 551 00:58:11,791 --> 00:58:22,702 BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO * * HAVE TO DO * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 552 00:58:32,178 --> 00:58:37,817 >>> THIS PHYSICS HOMEWORK IS IMPOSSIBLE. WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO LEARN IT? 553 00:58:37,817 --> 00:58:49,729 NOBODY EVEN USES IT IN REAL LIFE. REAL LIFE, REAL LIFE. 554 00:58:49,729 --> 00:58:56,302 >> THINK AGAIN, BRA. LOTS OF PEOPLE USE PHYSICS. >> YO, WHAT? 555 00:58:56,302 --> 00:59:01,741 MY OLD SCHOOL POSTER OF DAVID BECKHAM IS TALKING TO ME? IS THIS A DREAM? 556 00:59:01,741 --> 00:59:06,312 >> YEP. >> OH, OKAY. BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO SAY, YOU 557 00:59:06,312 --> 00:59:09,683 DON'T LOOK AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU NORMALLY DO. >> WHAT? 558 00:59:09,683 --> 00:59:14,320 YEAH, I DO. >> BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS JUST NOT -- 559 00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:17,323 >> ALL RIGHT. LEAVE IT. BACK TO PHYSICS. 560 00:59:17,323 --> 00:59:21,027 I USE IT ALL THE TIME ON THE PITCH. HOW DO YOU THINK I BEND THE 561 00:59:21,027 --> 00:59:24,264 BALL? THAT'S PHYSICS. >> YEAH. 562 00:59:24,264 --> 00:59:31,538 AND I USE IT IN THE OCTAGON. >> UFC CHAMPION TROY McCOY? YOU USE PHYSICS? 563 00:59:31,538 --> 00:59:36,843 >> OF COURSE, MAN. WHAT DO YOU THINK MAKES MY PUNCHES AND KICKS SO DEADLY MY 564 00:59:36,843 --> 00:59:43,883 OPPONENTS DOOKY IN THEY DRAWERS? PHYSICS, SUCKER. >> SO PEOPLE REALLY DO USE 565 00:59:43,883 --> 00:59:49,122 PHYSICS IN REAL LIFE. >> HELL YEAH. >> CHRISSY KNOX? 566 00:59:49,122 --> 00:59:55,095 YOU'RE AN INSTAGRAM MODEL AND YOU HOST AN UNPOPULAR PODCAST. YOU USE PHYSICS? 567 00:59:55,095 --> 01:00:03,336 >> YEAH. HOW ELSE COULD I BE BENDING OVER THIS BROKEN, JUNKY, STUPID CAR 568 01:00:03,336 --> 01:00:06,272 IN MY DIRTY, STINKY, RIPPED JEANS. THAT'S PHYSICS. 569 01:00:06,272 --> 01:00:14,280 >> IT IS? >> HELL YEAH. >> PHYSICS ARE EVERYWHERE. 570 01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:20,253 EVEN IN YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO GAME, TIME ASSASSIN. WHAT DO YOU THINK ALLOWS ME TO 571 01:00:20,253 --> 01:00:28,261 JUMP FROM ROOFTOP TO ROOFTOP IN PURSUIT OF THE ETERNITY CUBE? >> SO WITHOUT PHYSICS, I 572 01:00:28,261 --> 01:00:32,032 COULDN'T GAME. >> OR PLAY FOOTBALL. >> OR DOMINATE THE OCTAGON. 573 01:00:32,032 --> 01:00:41,675 >> OR USE MY WRENCH TO LOOSEN THIS RUSTY, CRUSTY, GREASY KNOT. >> CHRISSY, SIT THIS ONE OUT. 574 01:00:41,675 --> 01:00:46,346 YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH HERE. >> I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, 575 01:00:46,346 --> 01:00:52,485 BUT IT'S SO CONFUSING. WHAT'S UP WITH NEWTON'S LAW? >> OH, YOU CAN'T BE NUDE IN 576 01:00:52,485 --> 01:00:59,392 INSTAGRAM POSTS, BUT YOU CAN BE NUDE IN ONLYFANS STUFF. >> WAIT. 577 01:00:59,392 --> 01:01:05,665 YOU HAVE AN ONLYFANS? >> COME ON, CHRISSY, KNOCK IT OFF. 578 01:01:05,665 --> 01:01:13,106 HE'S A TEENAGE BOY, MAN, YOU TAKE HIM DOWN THE ONLYFANS ROAD, WE AIN'T NEVER GOING TO GET HIM 579 01:01:13,106 --> 01:01:14,841 BACK. LET'S TRY THIS. WHAT'S GIVING YOU THE MOST 580 01:01:14,841 --> 01:01:19,312 TROUBLE? >> ALL OF IT REALLY. >> JUST GIVE UP AND LOOK AT MY 581 01:01:19,312 --> 01:01:22,716 CREAMY LITTLE TUMMY. >> CREAMY? OH, MY GOD. 582 01:01:22,716 --> 01:01:27,620 SOMEONE NEEDS TO SHUT THIS WOMAN UP SO WE CAN HELP THIS CHILD. >> I GOT YOU. 583 01:01:27,620 --> 01:01:31,424 ONE KO COMING RIGHT UP. >> WAIT. LET ME TRY SOMETHING FIRST. 584 01:01:31,424 --> 01:01:36,363 I THINK I CAN OCCUPY HER BRAIN FOR A MINUTE OR TWO. CHRISSY, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY 585 01:01:36,363 --> 01:01:41,501 FINGERS YOU HAVE? >> HELL YEAH, TEN. >> YOU ACTUALLY HAVE 11. 586 01:01:41,501 --> 01:01:49,876 ALL RIGHT. WATCH. TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX -- 587 01:01:49,876 --> 01:01:56,416 PLUS FIVE IS 11. >> WAIT. WHAT? 588 01:01:56,416 --> 01:02:03,757 >> GOOD WORK. YOU'RE SMART AND GORGEOUS? >> GORGEOUS BECAUSE I'M LIKE 589 01:02:03,757 --> 01:02:12,565 OVER HERE THINKING HE AIN'T HANDSOME AS HE NORMALLY WAS. ACCENT WEIRD TOO. 590 01:02:12,565 --> 01:02:14,834 HAIR TOO LONG. >> ALL RIGHT. I GET IT. 591 01:02:14,834 --> 01:02:20,774 I'M DAVID BECKHAM. ALL RIGHT? ANYWAY, WHAT IN YOUR BOOK THERE 592 01:02:20,774 --> 01:02:25,145 IS GIVING YOU THE MOST TROUBLE, LAD? >> OKAY. 593 01:02:25,145 --> 01:02:31,084 HOW ABOUT THIS, FORCE EQUALS MASS TIMES ACCELERATION. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 594 01:02:31,084 --> 01:02:36,856 >> IT'S LIKE THIS. THE FORCE OF MY PUNCH IS DETERMINED BY THE WEIGHT OF MY 595 01:02:36,856 --> 01:02:41,094 ARM MULTIPLIED BY THE SPEED OF MY FIST. >> OH, OKAY. 596 01:02:41,094 --> 01:02:51,237 >> OR LIKE HOW MUCH GREASE I GET ON MY BUTT IS DETERMINED BY THIS DRIPPY, STINKY OIL MULTIPLIED BY 597 01:02:51,237 --> 01:03:01,581 HOW FAR I'M BENDING OVER THIS ICKY -- >> ENJOY YOUR JUNKY CAR, DUMB 598 01:03:01,581 --> 01:03:05,118 ASS. >> THANK YOU. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED HELP WITH? 599 01:03:05,118 --> 01:03:08,688 >> HUH? WHAT? I THINK I GOT IT. 600 01:03:08,688 --> 01:03:13,293 >> NOW HE'S STARING AT HER BOTTOM. HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEARN 601 01:03:13,293 --> 01:03:16,563 PHYSICS. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? >> I THINK HE'S GOING TO GET IT, 602 01:03:16,563 --> 01:03:22,068 ACTUALLY. >> HELL YEAH. >> COME ON, MAN. 603 01:03:27,474 --> 01:03:31,711 >>> WHEN MY SKIN FEELS GOOD, I FEEL GOOD. >> IT DESERVES TO BE PAMPERED 604 01:03:31,711 --> 01:03:38,084 LIKE ME. >> BUT WHEN I WALK DOWN THE SKIN CARE AISLE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE 605 01:03:38,084 --> 01:03:41,287 TO START. >> SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE YOUR SKIN SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW 606 01:03:41,287 --> 01:03:45,825 MAKES YOU FEEL GREAT? >> INTRODUCING NEW DIET COKE BY OLE. 607 01:03:45,825 --> 01:03:52,198 THE REJUVENATING FACIAL CLEANSER MADE OF YOUR FAVORITE THING ON EARTH, DIET COKE. 608 01:03:52,198 --> 01:03:57,404 >> I LOVE HOW IT MAKES MY FACE FEEL, AND I LOVE THAT IT'S DIET COKE. 609 01:03:57,404 --> 01:04:02,642 >> BECAUSE I WANT MY FACE TO FEEL YOUNG, AND I WANT ANOTHER WAY TO CONSUME DIET COKE. 610 01:04:02,642 --> 01:04:06,246 >> FOR FRESH, CLEAN, CAFFEINATED SKIN. >> JUST DON'T SHAKE IT. 611 01:04:06,246 --> 01:04:11,217 >> I LIKED MY OLD FACIAL CLEANSER, BUT I HATED THE CALORIES. 612 01:04:11,217 --> 01:04:19,526 >> THE BUBBLES LEAVE MY FACE FEELING ENERGIZED. >> IT WIDENS POURS AND DEFINES 613 01:04:19,526 --> 01:04:24,798 WRINKLES. >> IT'S MADE FROM INGREDIENTS PROVED TO BE DIET COKE. 614 01:04:24,798 --> 01:04:31,938 DIET COKE BY OLE SEEPS THROUGH YOUR PORS AND INTO THE RIVER OF DIET COKE ALREADY RUNNING 615 01:04:31,938 --> 01:04:37,344 THROUGH YOUR VEINS. >> I DRINK BETWEEN SIX AND 45 TIE YET COKES. 616 01:04:37,344 --> 01:04:42,582 >> I JUST CRAVE IT PHYSICALLY. >> IF I DON'T GET ENOUGH OF IT, I START TO HIT AND KICK. 617 01:04:42,582 --> 01:04:48,788 >> IT CONTAINS TO PARABENS AND NO SULFATES, JUST SODA STUFF. >> SO TRY IT TODAY. 618 01:04:48,788 --> 01:04:57,764 >> THANKS, DIET COKE, WE LOVE YOU, DIET COKE. >> DIET COKE BY OLE, 49.99 619 01:04:57,764 --> 01:05:00,033 YOU, DIET COKE. >> DIET COKE BY OLE, 49.99 BEHIND A PLASTIC JAIL AT CVS. 620 01:05:19,486 --> 01:05:24,190 MUCH. TO THE WHOLE CAST AND CREW, MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, I LOVE YOU. 621 01:05:24,190 --> 01:05:28,061 THIS TRULY IS LIKE ONE OF THE GREATEST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE EASILY. 622 01:05:28,061 --> 01:05:31,398 SO THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. BYE, I'LL SHUT UP. 623 01:05:31,398 --> 01:05:33,900 YOU FOR BEING HERE. BYE, I'LL SHUT UP. BYE.