[ APPLAUSE ] >>> OKAY. OKAY.
EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN.
SETTLE DOWN.
MY NAME IS ALINA HABBA.
I'M THE ATTORNEY FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP IN THE SECOND DEFAMATION
TRIAL OF E. JEAN CARROLL.
THE JUDGE HAS BEEN VERY UNFAIR
FROM THE BEGINNING, AND I WANT
TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR, I
AM NEW AT THIS, AND I AM
LEARNING.
NOW, THE PRESIDENT MAY OR MAY
NOT STOP FOR BRIEF REMARKS, BUT
DUE TO A STRICT GAG ORDER, HE
WILL NOT BE COMMENTING ON
ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS
CASE, MS. CARROLL, OR THE JUDGE.
>> THANK YOU, ALINA.
YOU'RE GREAT ON TV.
MAYBE THE WORST LAWYER I'VE EVER
HAD, WHICH IS QUITE AN
ACCOMPLISHMENT.
LOOK AT THIS TEAM.
THIS IS THE BOTTOM OF THE
BARREL, FOLKS.
THIS IS WHO SAID YES.
I'M IN THE LEAD FOR PRESIDENT,
AND THIS IS THE BEST I CAN GET.
FEELS LIKE A RED FLAG, NO?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID BY
THE WAY.
YOU KNOW THAT?
OF COURSE YOU DO.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
SEE YOU AT SHAKY'S.
YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT WE ARE HERE AT COURTHOUSE,
AND, YES, WE WILL BE ABIDING BY
THIS HORRIBLE GAG ORDER, SO I
WILL NOT BE SAYING THAT THE
JUDGE IS AN IDIOT OR WHERE HE
LIVES OR WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY CAR
HE DRIVES.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STILL MADE
WAGONEERS, BUT IT'S A TERRIBLE
TIME FOR OUR COUNTRY.
I AM STANDING WEIRDER THAN EVER.
ARMS LIKE A GI JOE, LEGS LIKE
THE SMOOTH CRIMINAL VIDEO.
LOOK LIKE I'M ALWAYS IN SKI
BOOTS.
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
WE JUST GOT BACK FROM IOWA WHERE
WE WON VERY BIG, VERY BIG IN
IOWA.
I WANT TO CONGRATULATE
MR. DeSANTIS ON A TRULY
EMBARRASSING SHOWING.
HE WENT TO 99 COUNTIES, BUT
BITCH COULDN'T WIN ONE.
RON DESTUPID.
IT JUST WORKS.
WE'RE GOING WITH RON DESTUPID.
ALSO WANT TO CONGRATULATE
MR. RAMASWAMY.
VIVEKAA. RAMASWAMY WHO DROPPED
OUT OF THE RACE AND HAS AGREED
TO LIVE IN MY SUIT POCKET.
I LOVE MY LITTLE RATATOUILLE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM DOING VERY
WELL COGNITIVELY.
DOING GREAT WITH COGNITIVE.
I'M MORE COGNITIVE THAN EVER.
THE DOCTOR SAID, SIR, YOU HAVE
TO BE IN THE TOP 99% OF ALL THE
CON THE CUSHION AND DEMENTIA
PEOPLE WE GIVE THIS TEST TO.
I SAID, WELL, I GUESS I'M VERY
GOOD AT RECOGNIZING ELEPHANTS.
WHO KNEW.
AND NOW WE'RE HERE.
AND THIS IS THE CAMPAIGN, FOLKS.
THIS IS ALL THERE IS, ME YELLING
IN COURTHOUSE LOBBY STANDING
BEHIND BARRICADE LIKE AFAMILY
AT JFK PICKUP.
BUT NEXT IS NEW HAMPSHIRE
AGAINST NIKKI HALEY.
NIKKI, NIKKI, SHE THOUGHT I WAS
DONE, BUT I'M BACK IN A BIG WAY.
I'M BACK LIKE "MEAN GIRLS."
YEAH, WE LOVE "MEAN GIRLS."
WHERE'S LACY?
LET OUT OF REMAKE.
SO SAD.
YOU KNOW HER FATHER DID TOASTER
STRUDLE.
BUT SHE'S DOING GREAT THINGS IN
TERMS OF HALLMARK MOVIES,
STAYING BUSY.
JUST LIKE ME, IT'S IMPORTANT TO
HAVE HOBBIES.
BIDEN HAS FALLING DOWN.
I HAVE MY MINITRIALS.
I LOVE BEING ON TRIAL.
BUT BIDEN'S VERY CREEPY.
HE SNIFFS LITTLE GIRLS' HAIR.
I AM DIFFERENT OF COURSE.
I DO FAR WORSE THAN THAT.
YOU EVER SEE THAT VIDEO OF ME
DANCING WITH EPSTEIN?
BOY IS THIS SOME DARK ENERGY.
CLAPPING OFF BEAT.
I GOT THE EUGENE LEVY EYEBROWS.
VERY STRANGE.
I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF THE
THAT FOOTAGE WAS FAKE.
OF COURSE IT'S VERY REAL.
BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK IN MANY
WAYS IT COULD NOT BE.
WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF SUCCESS WITH
SAYING THINGS THAT DID NOT
HAPPEN.
I THINK WE'LL CONTINUE TO DO
THAT.
IT'S AN INNOVATION I'M
PARTICULARLY PROUD OF.
SEEMS TO BE WORKING VERY WELL.
BUT I LOVE THIS COUNTRY AND ITS
TRADITIONS.
THAT'S WHY I'M NOT DOING ANY
DEBATES AND BARELY DOING
ELECTION.
I DON'T NEED TO.
MY PEOPLE LOVE ME.
I GOT THE OLD PEOPLE.
THEY'RE WAITING IN SNOW FOR TWO
HOURS TO VOTE FOR TRUMP.
OH, DARLING, I'M DYING.
I GOT TO DO ONE LAST THING.
I GOT TO VOTE FOR TRUMP.
WE JUST NEED THEM TO STAY ALIVE
UNTIL NOVEMBER.
STAY ALIVE UNTIL NOVEMBER.
JUST PULL THAT LEVER AND DROP
DEAD.
WHY?
BECAUSE I AM SENT BY GOD, AND
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME OR
WHATEVER.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT 2024 IS GOING TO BE A VERY
EXCITING YEAR.
I'M EITHER GOING TO JAIL, BE
PRESIDENT, OR FRANKLY, THE
PURGE.
PERHAPS ALL THREE.
LET'S SPIN THE CHAMBER.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- RENEE RAPP.
AND YOUR HOST -- JACOB ELORDI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACOB
ELORDI!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS SO EXCITING TO BE HERE
HOSTING THE FIRST AND SO FAR
BEST SHOW OF 2024.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO YOU MIGHT KNOW ME FROM
"SALTBURN."
NOT FROM -- THANKS.
NOT FROM SEEING THE FILM, JUST
FROM SEEING THE TIKTOKS.
LIKE THIS SCENE.
YEAH.
I WAS THE ONE IN THE GRAVE.
BUT IF YOU SAW THE MOVIE, THANK
YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IF YOU SAW THE MOVIE WITH YOUR
PARENTS, I'M SORRY.
AND IF YOU SAY YOU THE MOVIE
WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU'RE
WELCOME.
ANYWAY, I'M NOT MUCH OF A PUBLIC
SPEAKER, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD
OPEN IT UP TO SOME QUESTIONS
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
YES, YOU?
>> HI, BABY GIRL.
LOVED YOU IN PRISCILLA.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE IMPRESSION
OF ELVIS?
YOUNG ELVIS OR OLD ELVIS?
>> IT'S PROBABLY "LILO AND
STITCH" ELVIS, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT QUESTION.
YOU?
>> HI.
NO QUESTION.
JUST WANT TO LOOK AT YOU.
>> ARE YOU DONE?
>> NOT YET.
ALMOST.
>> OKAY.
>> DONE.
>> WHO ELSE HAS A QUESTION?
YES, YOU.
>> OKAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO, NO!
MY GOD, I THOUGHT I WOULD GET
BETTER APPLAUSE THAN THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO.
ANYWAY, JUST WANTED TO SAY I SAW
YOUR MOVIE, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS
ABSOLUTELY GROSS.
>> RIGHT.
YEAH.
WELL, "SALTBURN" REALLY ISN'T
FOR EVERYONE.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS A SALT BURN?
I'M TALKING ABOUT "THE KISSING
BOOTH."
TWO PEOPLE KISSING ON THE MOUTH?
BLAH.
>> KISSING IS KIND OF WEIRD WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
CAN YOU NAME ONE OTHER ANIMAL
THAT KISSES?
>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I BELIEVE I CAN NAME AN ANIMAL
THAT KISSES.
>> YOU CAN?
>> YES.
THE NOBLE ELEPHANT WILL
SOMETIMES PUT ITS TRUNK INTO ITS
LOVER'S MOUTH.
>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
>> LET'S JUST SAY I OWN AN
ELEPHANT, AND I OPEN MY MOUTH A
LOT.
>> OKAY.
I HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE
QUESTION.
YES, BOWEN?
>> YOU KNOW HOW YOU WERE --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MORE APPLAUSE THAN SARAH.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU WERE BORN IN
AUSTRALIA?
I WAS ALSO BORN IN AUSTRALIA,
BUT WE MOVED WHEN I WAS A BABY,
SO MY ACCENT KIND OF GOES IN AND
OUT, MATE.
>> COOL.
DID YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
>> NO.
>> GREAT JOB, BOWEN.
BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT TO
TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY HOW
GRATEFUL I AM TO BE HERE.
I'VE BEEN ACTING NOW FOR LIKE
SEVEN YEARS, AND IT'S SO EASY TO
GET CAUGHT UP IN THE RUSH OF
TRYING TO GET TO THE NEXT THING
AND THE NEXT THING.
BUT TONIGHT, THE PEOPLE I LOVE
ARE HERE, YOU ALL ARE HERE, AND
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M HERE.
SO THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
RENEE RAPP IS HERE, S
. >>> ONE BACHELORETTE, 25 MEN UNDER 5'8".
WILL THIS QUEEN CROWN HER SHORT
KING?
FIND OUT TONIGHT.
>> WELCOME TO THE FINALE OF
CROWN YOUR SHORT KING.
TIFFANY, YOU'VE SPENT THE PAST
THREE MONTHS GETTING TO KNOW
THESE INCREDIBLE LITTLE GUYS.
BUT NOW YOU'RE DOWN TO YOUR LAST
THREE.
KEVIN, HAROLD, TEDDY, PLEASE
STEP FORWARD.
THE REST OF YOU MAY LEAVE.
TIFFANY, TONIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE TO
PICK JUST ONE TO CROWN AS YOUR
SHORT KING.
AW.
THE FLOOR IS YOURS.
>> GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
WHEN I CAME TO SHORT KING
MANSION, THE FIRST THING I
THOUGHT WAS, DAMN, I SHOULD HAVE
PACKED MORE FLATS.
ON DATING APPS, I WAS THAT GIRL
WHO WOULD WRITE, IF YOU'RE UNDER
6 FEET, SWIPE LEFT.
BUT GETTING TO KNOW ALL OF YOU
HAS MADE ME REALIZE THAT I WAS
LETTING GO OF SOME INCREDIBLE
GUYS.
KEVIN, I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU,
ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU OPENED UP
AND TOLD ME YOUR DOG HAS
ANXIETY.
HAROLD, YOU'RE SERIOUSLY THE
FUNNIEST GUY ON PLANET EARTH.
AND TINY TEDDY --
>> IT'S JUST TEDDY.
>> RIGHT.
TEDDY, LAST NIGHT WE CONNECTED
IN THE OVERNIGHT SUITE
PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY.
YOU'VE ALL PROVEN TO ME THAT
SOMETIMES THE BEST THINGS COME
IN THE SMALLEST PACKAGES.
AND SOMETIMES SMALL PACKAGES
HAVE MEDIUM-SIZED PACKAGES.
BUT NOW I HAVE TO CHOOSE.
>> TIFFANY, WAIT.
BEFORE YOU DO, WE HAVE ONE FINAL
TWIST.
>> WHAT?
>> I HAVE ONE MORE BACHELOR TO
INTRODUCE INTO THE GAME.
MEET JACKSON.
.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP?
>> YEAH, I CHOOSE HIM.
>> NOPE.
NOT SUPPOSED TO YET.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING --
>> YEAH, IT WON'T MATTER.
>> WELL, LET'S GET TO KNOW HIM
ANYWAY.
JACKSON, TELL TIFFANY A LITTLE
ABOUT YOURSELF.
>> THREE THINGS ABOUT ME IS THAT
I'M FROM PITTSBURGH, I
TECHNICALLY STILL HAVE A
GIRLFRIEND, AND I NEED TO BORROW
$200,000.
>> SO DO I JUST GIVE HIM THE
CROWN NOW OR --
>> TIFFANY, BEFORE YOU DECIDE,
REMEMBER, YOU SPENT THREE MONTHS
WITH OUR LIL BACHELORS.
>> JUST BACHELORS IS FINE.
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TINY
TEDDY.
>> JUST TEDDY.
AND ACTUALLY WHEN I CAME HERE, I
SAID MY NAME WAS THEODORE.
>> OH, RIGHT.
AND I SAID, LIKE THAT CHIPMUNK.
>> YEAH.
>> LOOK, I LOVED MY TIME WITH
YOU GUYS.
BUT WITH JACKSON, I WON'T HAVE
TO LIKE WEIRDLY BEND MY KNEES IN
PHOTOS.
>> NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING RUDE.
>> DON'T GET MAD.
I HATE IT WHEN THEY GET MAD,
THEY LIKE BALL THEIR LITTLE
FISTS.
>> OH, WHOA.
I CAUGHT A MOTH.
>> THAT'S AWESOME, JACKSON.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL
DECISION, WE DID ASK ALL YOUR
REMAINING SUITORS TO WRITE A
LIST OF QUALITIES THEY LOVE
ABOUT YOU.
KEVIN?
>> YOUR LAUGH, YOUR SMILE, THE
WAY THE SUN COMES UP IN YOUR
EYES.
>> BEAUTIFUL.
HAROLD?
>> YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.
YOU HAVE GREAT ENERGY, AND LET'S
FACE IT, YOU GOT GREAT TASTE IN
MEN.
>> HILARIOUS, AS ALWAYS, HAROLD.
NEXT UP, CHIPMUNK.
>> HA-HA-HA.
TIFFANY, I ONLY PUT ONE THING ON
MY LIST, YOUR HEART.
>> AW, VERY TOUCHING, SQUIRT.
JACKSON.
>> TIFFANY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF
MY HEART, YOUR BODY IS JUST
OKAY.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S FINE.
YOU WIN.
>> OH, IT'S TINY JUST LIKE THEM.
>> TIFFANY, ARE YOU SURE YOU
DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS?
AND OKAY.
I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING OUT
WITH JACKSON.
THIRD SEASON IN A ROW THIS HAS
HAPPENED.
JOIN US NEXT SEASON FOR GOLDEN
SHORT KING.
SAME LIL GUYS, BUT THEY'RE OLDER
NOW, AND LET'S FACE IT, BALD.
OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE DANCING.
♪♪
>>> WITH OVER 50 MILLION VIEWS,
IT WAS THE CONVERSATION THAT
BROKE THE INTERNET.
KATT WILLIAMS.
>> IT'S THE TRUTH, SHANNON.
>> SHANNON SHARP.
>> COME ON NOW.
>> THE CLUB SHY SHY INTERVIEW.
KATT WILLIAMS KEEPING IT
COMPLETELY REAL.
>> THREE THINGS ARE TRUE ABOUT
ME.
I AM 5'3", I HAVE NEVER TOLD A
LIE, AND I AM 6'3".
LOOK, HOLLYWOOD CREATED KEVIN
HART.
EVERYBODY KNOWS KEVIN WAS MADE
IN THE SAME FACTORY THEY MAKE
TEDDY GRAHAMS.
WHY THE HELL HE SMELL LIKE
CINNAMON?
>> NOW THERE'S MORE, EIGHT HOURS
MORE.
GET READY FOR CLUB SHY SHY THE
EXTENDED CUT.
SEE KATT WILLIAMS TAKE ON
EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD AND
BEYOND.
>> LOOK, I DON'T MESS WITH
BARACK OBAMA.
I DON'T TRUST NOBODY WHOSE NAME
IS ALL VOWELS.
>> WHAT?
>> WHY MY MOUTH GOT TO BE OPEN
SO LONG.
WHAT HE DO, SHANNON?
YOU KNOW HIS SLOGAN, YES WE CAN,
I CAME UP WITH THAT.
BEFORE ME, HE WAS SAYING,
PROBABLY, I THINK WE MIGHT.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN AVATAR.
JAMES CAMERON BEGGED ME TO BE IN
IT.
HE SAID I'LL SUCK YOUR PENIS.
THERE WAS PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.
>> JAMES CAMERON SAID THAT?
>> CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S TOO MANY GRETAS IN THE
WORLD.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S STRANGE ALL
THESE WOMEN GOT THE SAME NAME
DOING ALL THAT TALKING?
YOU NEED TO GRETA JOB.
HOW YOU GOING TO CHALLENGE ME,
SHANNON?
I'M THE ONE WHO INVENTED FRUIT.
>> KATT, YOU AIN'T INVENT NO
FRUIT.
>> BEFORE ME, TREES WASN'T
BRINGING NOTHING TO THE TABLE.
>> KATT WILLIAMS TELLS IT ALL,
HARD TRUTH, CELEBRITY STORIES.
>> I'M IN AMAZING SHAPE.
I'M HANDSOME, ATHLETIC, AND I
CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR 27 YEARS.
I'LL RACE YOU RIGHT NOW.
>> HOW YOU GOING TO DO THAT,
KATT?
>> SEE, I JUST BEAT YOU.
SHANNON, I AM THE ONLY MAN IN
HISTORY TO SAY ALL THE WORDS
EVER IN ONE SINGLE WORD.
THERE IT IS.
THAT'S ALL OF THEM.
>> IT'S KATT WILLIAMS AT HIS
MOST HONEST AND GETTING DEEP.
>> NOW, MY BOY, THEY REJECTED
ANY THEORY THAT ARGUED THAT THE
ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS, AND
EVERY PIMP KNOWS THAT THERE ARE
NO TRAN SEN DENT ENDS.
STEVE HARVEY CANNOT READ.
HE'S LOOKING AT THE TELEPROMPTER
AND JUST GUESSING.
HE BE ON FAMILY FEUD LIKE, WHAT?
>> EIGHT HOURS.
GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE DAY OFF
WORK.
>>> WELCOME BACK TO OUR ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT AWARD SEASON SPECIAL.
>> HERE'S A RIDDLE, WHO IS
SOMEONE YOU SEE ONCE A YEAR
EVERY SINGLE YEAR, AND YET
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN
YOUR LIFE?
ANSWER, AN ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT
HOST.
>> OUCH.
LOVE THAT.
WELL, AWARD SEASON IS IN FULL
SWING.
AT 7:00, IT'S OUR FAVORITE RED
CARPET LOOKS.
AND AT 8:00, WE'LL MIX UP
STERLING K. BROWN AND MICHAEL B.
JORDAN IN A BIG WAY.
>> THIS SEASON HAS BEEN A BUZZ
OF CELEBRITIES HAVING
CONVERSATIONS WE WISH WE COULD
HEAR.
THANKS TO OUR NEXT GUEST, WE
WON'T HAVE TO SPECULATE ANYMORE.
PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEXT GUESTS.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US, OR
SHOULD I SAY --
>> TRANSLATION, WE'RE STILL
APARTMENT HUNTING IF ANYONE
KNOWS OF ANYTHING.
>> IMPRESSIVE.
>> WHOA.
>> SO YOU TWO ARE PROFESSIONAL
LIP READERS.
>> YES.
WE PICK UP ON EXTREMELY SUBTLE
LIP MOVEMENTS AND BODY LANGUAGE
TO DECIPHER EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE
MIGHT BE SAYING.
>> THAT'S HOW I KNOW YOU'RE
INSECURE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
I AM.
LOVE THAT.
>> SO THE FIRST CLIP YOU'LL BE
DECIPHERING IS FROM THE VIRAL
ROMANTIC CONVO AT THE GLOBES
BETWEEN TIMOTHEE CHALAMET AND
KYLIE JENNER.
>> YES.
HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS SAYING HE'S
RELAXED BUT HORNY.
>> AND THE MOVEMENT OF HER MOUTH
WILL SAY SHE'S TALKING.
>> FASCINATING.
LET'S PLAY THAT CLIP.
>> YOUR MOM IS SO NICE.
>> SHE'S WILD, BUT I LOVE HER.
>> IT'S CRAZY THAT SHE WAS
MARRIED TO KANYE.
>> WAIT, YOU THINK KIM IS MY
MOM?
>> MWAH.
WILLY WONKA.
>> I LOVE YOU, BABY.
>> I LOVE YOU TOO.
OOMPAH LOOMPAH.
>> LIKE WE SAID, THIS ISN'T AN
EXACT SCIENCE.
>> BUT I DO FEEL CONFIDENT WE
GOT IT AT LEAST 100% RIGHT.
>> JUST TO CONFIRM, YOU TWO ARE
PROFESSIONAL LIP READERS?
>> YES, WE HAVE OVER 1,200
VIDEOS ON TIKTOK.
>> AND HOW MANY FOLLOWERS?
>> LESS.
>> WELL, THAT IS FAB.
LOVE THAT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY ANOTHER
CLIP.
>> THIS NEXT CONVERSATION IS
TAYLOR AND TRAVIS ON THE STREET
IN NEW YORK.
>> ROLL IT.
>> IT'S AUTUMN.
>> NO.
IT'S WINTER.
>> I'M WEARING A CARDIGAN AND A
WANT A CUP OF TEA.
>> BIG GUY.
I'M A BIG GUY.
STOMP, STOMP, CLOMP, STOMP.
>> NORTH KOREA.
>> IT'S CRAZY WE BOTH WORK AT
FOOTBALL STADIUMS.
>> YES.
AND REMEMBER TO VOTE EARLY AND
VOTE OFTEN.
>> I LOVE YOU, TAYLOR!
>> I LOVE YOU TOO, TAYLOR.
>> WONDERFUL.
I'M NOTICING THAT EVERY CLIP
ENDS WITH LOVE YOU.
>> YES.
100% OF SOME CONVERSATIONS END
WITH LOVE YOU.
>> SURE.
BUT A LOT OF TIME YOU'RE
TALKING, THEIR MOUTHS ARE NOT
MOVING AT ALL.
>> LIES!
WATCH THIS.
>> DON'T TELL ME NOT TO LIVE.
JUST SIT AND PANIC.
>> I THINK IT'S VERY CLEAR
JENNIFER LAWRENCE WAS MOUTHING,
IF I DON'T WIN, I'M LEAVING.
>> WHY ARE YOU DOUBTING US?
DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OUR
DEEP BODY OF WORK?
>> OUR LIP READINGS HOLD UP IN
COURT.
WE HAVE HAD PEOPLE PUT AWAY FOR
LIFE?
>> YOU HAVE?
>> WE'LL SHOW YOU.
WE NEED ASSISTANCE FROM OUR
LITTLE LESBIAN INTERN RENEE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SORRY.
YOUR INTERN IS RENEE RAPP?
>> YEAH.
I'VE BEEN GOING ABSOLUTELY OFF
ON EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW
LATELY, SO NOW I HAVE TO DO 40
HOURS OF COURT ORDERED MEDIA
TRAINING.
>> YOU READY LITTLE LESBIAN
INTERN RENEE?
>> YEAH.
>> ROLL EVIDENCE ITEM 35 A.
>> SO YOU DID THE MURDER, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, I DID IT.
>> YOU DID THE MURDER.
>> YEAH, I TOTALLY DID WITH A
BIG KNIFE.
>> WHOA, ME WITH A KNIFE TOO.
>> GOOP, GOOP, GOOP, LOVE YOU,
BABY.
>> LOVE YOU TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT.
ONE MORE THING BEFORE WE GO --
>> THEY SAID, LIFE'S CANDY AND
THE SUN'S A BOWL OF BUTTER.
>>> THIS IS SUCH A GOOD FIRST DATE IDEA. >> I HAVE TO WARN YOU, I WON THE
SILVER MEDAL ON THE MIDDLE
SCHOOL BOWLING TEAM.
>> YOU'RE JUST FULL OF
SURPRISES, AREN'T YOU?
LOOKS LIKE I'M UP FIRST.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
NOT BAD.
OH, HEY, LOOK, THEY GOT ONE OF
THOSE FUN ANIMATIONS.
>> SIX.
>> AW, SO CUTE.
FOUR MORE TO GO.
>> YOU DID IT.
HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
>> YEAH.
>> SPARE.
>> NOT BAD.
NOT BAD.
NOW IT'S THE PRO'S TURN.
>> HUH.
ARE THOSE TWO PINS SUPPOSED TO
BE THAT FAR APART?
>> HA-HA-HA.
VERY FUNNY.
LET'S WATCH THE VIDEO.
>> JOHNNY, YOUR FATHER HAS
SOMETHING HE WANTS TO TELL YOU.
>> WHAT'S WRONG, GUYS?
>> SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE
GETTING A DIVORCE.
>> SPLIT.
>> OH, THAT ONE WAS A LITTLE
SERIOUS.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE IF I CAN PICK THIS UP.
>> UH-OH.
THEY'RE GOING TO LET YOU HAVE IT
WITH THIS ONE.
>> EMMA, WHAT ARE THESE?
>> THOSE AREN'T MY CIGARETTES,
DAD.
>> YOU LITTLE LIAR!
NOW YOU NEED TO STRAIGHTEN UP
AND FLY RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT TO FIND YOU ONE DAY WITH A
NEEDLE IN YOUR ARM SLUMPED OVER
LIVING IN THE GOD DAMN --
>> GUTTER.
>> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> I KNOW.
A NEEDLE IN HER ARM?
PRETTY GIRL LIKE THAT WOULD
SHOOT BETWEEN HER TOES.
>> THAT'S A FUN FACT.
>> MY TURN.
WHOO, STRIKE.
AND OF COURSE IT'S A BASEBALL
ONE.
>> OH, STOP IT, PLEASE!
>> YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON
YOURSELF.
>> YEAH.
MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL SUPPORT
YOUR UNION BROTHERS WHEN WE GO
ON --
>> STRIKE.
>> SO CUTE.
YOU KEEP PLAYING.
I'LL JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE
VIEW.
>> OKAY.
IF YOU SAY I SO.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING HERE TODAY ON SHORT NOTICE. MY NAME IS JOAN PASCAL.
I'M A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATOR WITH
THE FBI.
LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND THE BODY OF
A YOUNG WOMAN IN MUSGROVE PARK.
FROM THE SAY TANNIC TOTEMS AT
THE CRIME SCENE AND THE NATURE
OF THE REALISTIC KILLING, WE
FEEL CONFIDENT THIS IS THE WORK
OF THE GROVE DALE KILLER, WHICH
BRING THE TOTAL OF THE VICTIMS
SO FAR TO --
>> NINE.
>> GOD, THESE VIDEOS ARE DRIVING
ME CRAZY.
>> DUE TO THE CHILDHOOD INJURY
THAT LEFT YOUR HUSBAND WITH AN
IMPACTED TESTICLE, IT'S VERY
UNLIKELY YOU'LL EVER HAVE
CHILDREN.
>> BUT I WANT A BABY.
>> WE CAN'T HONEY BECAUSE MY --
>> STUCK BALL.
>> HEY, MR. MAN, PLAY YOUR CARDS
RIGHT, AND YOU MIGHT GET ONE OF
THOSE TONIGHT.
>> A STUCK BALL?
LOOKS LIKE THEY GAVE ME AN EXTRA
ROLL.
LET'S JUST FINISH THE GAME
ALREADY.
GREAT.
THAT PUTS ME OVER 100.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
>> NO, WAIT.
I WANT TO WATCH.
>> BAD NEWS, KIDDO.
WE HAVE A FLAT TIRE.
THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN MAKE IT TO
DISNEY WORLD.
>> IT'S SPARE TIRE.
JUST SAY SPARE TIRE.
>> SHH, DON'T RUIN IT.
>> IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY WE
COULD FIX THIS TIRE.
>> SPARE TIRE.
JUST SAY IT SO WE CAN LEAVE.
>> I'LL JUST LOOK IN THE TRUNK
WHERE I ALWAYS LEAVE A ROAD MAP
SO I CAN TELL THE AAA GUYS HOW
TO GET HERE.
>> JUST SAY SPARE TIRE, YOU
STUPID PIN.
>> HERE COMES THE TOW TRUCK.
STEP BACK, LITTLE TIMMY, YOU
HAVE YOUR --
>> FOOT ON THE LINE.
NO POINTS.
>> WHAT?
MY FOOT WAS NOT ON THE LINE.
>> SORRY, BABE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FORGET ABOUT BOWLING.
HOW ABOUT WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE
AND JUST --
>> HAVE SEX.
>> OH, WOW.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
THIS BOWLING ALLY IS AWESOME.
>>> AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, AN
ALASKA AIRLINES FLIGHT HAD TO
MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING AFTER
A CABIN DOOR BROKE OFF.
>> SAFETY IS OUR NUMBER ONE
CONCERN.
>> BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT IT
LOOKED PRETTY COOL, PLANE FLYING
AROUND, NO DOOR.
>> EVERYONE'S SCREAMING, CELL
PHONES WHIPPING OUT INTO THE
SKY.
IT WAS AWESOME.
>> THAT'S WHY OUR NEW SLOGAN IS,
ALASKA AIRLINES, YOU DIDN'T DIE
AND YOU GOT A COOL STORY.
>> ON OTHER AIRLINES, YOU CAN
WATCH MOVIES, BUT ON ALASKA,
YOU'RE IN THE MOVIE.
#.
>> AND IF YOU THINK ALASKA THE
STATE IS COLD, JUST WAIT UNTIL
OUR PLANE'S ROOF RIPS OFF.
>> SINCE THE INCIDENT, WE'RE
STARTING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
>> YOU KNOW THOSE BOLTS THAT
LIKE HOLD THE PLANE TOGETHER?
WE'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND
TIGHTEN SOME OF THOSE.
>> WE'VE ALSO MADE A FEW SMALL
UPDATES TO OUR IN-FLIGHT SAFETY
BROCHURE.
>> AND WE'LL NOW BE TAKING OFF
WITH THE INFLATABLE SLIDE
ALREADY DEPLOYED.
>> PEOPLE ASK ME WHERE THE
EMERGENCY EXITS ARE, AND I'M
LIKE THERE, THERE, AND IN TEN
MINUTES, PROBABLY THERE.
>> YOU KNOW HOW HAWAIIAN
AIRLINES ALWAYS GIVES OUT LAYS
WHEN YOU LAND?
WE'VE GOT OUR OWN VERSION.
>> ARE WE IN CLEVELAND?
>> CLOSE.
THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
>> TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SAFER,
WE'VE HIRED SULLY OUT OF
RETIREMENT.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT
AGAIN.
>> HE'S A LOT OLDER NOW.
>> I WAS ON THAT FLIGHT.
AT THE TIME, I WAS TERRIFIED,
BUT NOW, I'M THE COOLEST PERSON
AT THE OFFICE.
EVERYONE'S STOPPING BY MY
CUBICLE ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT
THAT LITTLE BOY WHOSE SHIRT GOT
SUCKED OUT THE PLANE.
>> SOME AIRLINES GIVE YOU A
LITTLE WING PIN WHEN YOU GET OFF
THE PLANE, ALASKA GIVES YOU A
COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO OF YOUR
FLIGHT.
>> SO FLY ALASKA.
>> FLY ALASKA.
>> WE'RE THE SAME AIRLINE WHERE
A PILOT TRIED TO TURN OFF THE
ENGINE MID FLIGHT WHILE ON
MUSHROOMS, AND WE'RE PROUD TO
SAY THAT'S OUR SECOND WORST
FLIGHT.
>> ALASKA AIRLINES, STILL BETTER
THAN SPIRIT.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RENEE RAPP! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ FIRST TO ARRIVE
LAST TO LEAVE
WHAT'S MISERY
WITHOUT COMPANY? ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO LAUGH
WHEN IT'S HARD TO BREATHE
IT'S WHITE OUTSIDE
BUT RED UNDERNEATH ♪
♪ FEEL THE TIP OF MY NOSE
IT'S BURNING
BUT IT'S ICE COLD ♪
♪ I'LL MAKE IT
THROUGH THE WINTER
IF IT KILLS ME ♪
♪ I CAN MAKE IT FASTER
IF I HURRY
I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW
UNTIL I'M WORTHY ♪
♪ BUT IF IT KILLS ME
I TRIED
IF IT KILLS ME ♪
♪ SMILES HIDE
WHAT SECRETS KEEP
CAN'T TELL A LIE
IF YOU NEVER SPEAK ♪
♪ LOOK IN THE MIRROR
SHE LOOKS LIKE ME
BUT HALF ALIVE
AND TWICE AS WEAK ♪
♪ FEEL THE TIP OF MY NOSE
IT'S BURNING
BUT IT'S ICE COLD ♪
♪ I'LL MAKE IT
THROUGH THE WINTER
IF IT KILLS ME ♪
♪ I CAN MAKE IT FASTER
IF I HURRY
I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW
UNTIL I'M WORTHY ♪
♪ BUT IF IT KILLS ME
I TRIED
IF IT KILLS ME ♪
♪ I TRIED SO HARD
I CAME SO FAR
I MET A BOY
HE BROKE MY HEART ♪
♪ I BLAME HIM 'CAUSE
IT'S EASIER
BUT I STILL LOOK
FOR HIM IN HER ♪
♪ THE SEASONS CHANGE
ADDICTION'S STRANGE
I LOVED BACK THEN
WHAT I HATE TODAY ♪
♪ I WISH I WENT
A DIFFERENT WAY
BUT IF I WENT BACK
I WOULD DO THE SAME ♪
♪ I'LL MAKE IT
THROUGH THE WINTER IF IT
BUT WHY DOES IT GO SLOWER
WHEN I ♪
♪ I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW
UNTIL I'M WORTHY
IF IT KILLS ME I TRIED
OH IF IT KILLS ME I ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, GUYS, IT'S 2024, BUT IS
IT?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN
I THINK OF THE YEAR 2020, I
NEVER THINK, WE SHOULD RUN THAT
ONE BACK.
AND IF YOU'RE FEELING CONFUSED,
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
AT A RALLY ON THURSDAY,
PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID HE WAS
MIXED UP WHEN HE CLAIMED HE HAD
JUST TAKEN A PHOTO WITH A WOMAN
WHO WASN'T THERE.
HAD THEN THE NEXT DAY, DONALD
TRUMP REPEATEDLY CONFUSED NIKKI
HALEY WITH NANCY PELOSI.
GUYS, I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD
DO THIS ELECTION.
IT'S HONESTLY STARTING TO FEEL
LIKE ELDER ABUSE.
I DON'T EVEN BLAME THEM.
I BLAME US FOR ALLOWING IT.
IT REMINDS ME OF THOSE BUM FIGHT
VIDEOS WHERE THEY MADE TWO
HOMELESS GUYS FIGHT FOR MONEY,
AND NOW WE LOOK BACK ON IT LIKE
HOW DID WE LET THAT HAPPEN.
I THINK THE BEST SOLUTION IS TO
TELL TRUMP AND BIDEN THEY BOTH
WON AND THAT WE'RE VERY PROUD OF
THEM.
AND THAT THEY CAN REST NOW.
>> IN MONDAY'S IOWA CAUCUSES,
RON DeSANTIS BEAT OUT NIKKI
HALEY FOR SECOND PLACE.
THAT OUGHT TO PUT A WHATEVER
THIS IS ON HIS FACE.
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT
ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP, BUT
REMEMBER MOST TRUMP SUPPORTERS
ONLY COUNT HIM AS 3/5 OF AN
ENDORSEMENT.
OH, BOY.
>> DONALD TRUMP URGED HIS
SUPPORTERS TO BRAVE THE SUB ZERO
TEMPERATURES IN IOWA TO VOTE FOR
HIM SAYING EVEN IF YOU VOTE AND
PASS AWAY, IT'S WORTH IT.
VOTING FOR TRUMP AND PASSING
AWAY IS ALSO WHAT HAPPENED WITH
COVID.
AFTER TRUMP WAS PHOTOGRAPHED
WITH SOME STRANGE RED MARKS ON
HIS HAND, SOME DERMATOLOGISTS
SPECULATED IT COULD BE SOMETHING
CALLED HAND HERPES.
WHAT THE HELL IS HAND HERPES,
SAID TIM SCOTT.
>> JOHN KERRY ANNOUNCED HE IS
STEPPING DOWN AS THE U.S.
CLIMATE ENVOY AND IS EXPECTED TO
FOCUS ON PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN, AND IT'S
NOT A GOOD SIGN THAT PRESIDENT
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN IS BIGGER THAN
CLIMATE CHANGE.
NIKKI HALEY SAID AMERICA HAS,
QUOTE, NEVER BEEN A RACIST
COUNTRY BECAUSE IF AMERICANS
WERE SO RACIST, WHY DID THEY
HAVE SEX WITH THEIR SLAVES?
I'M GOING TO SLEEP LIKE A BABY
TONIGHT.
I REALLY AM.
>> DONALD TRUMP POSTED AN IMAGE
OF NIKKI HALEY MADE UP TO LOOK
LIKE HILLARY CLINTON, AND
HONESTLY I COULDN'T TELL IF IT
WAS BAD PHOTO SHOP OR A GOOD
PICTURE OF MARK CUBAN IN A WIG.
POPE FRANCIS CALLED FOR A BAN ON
SURROGATE MOTHERHOOD, WHICH HE
SAYS VIOLATES THE DIGNITY OF THE
WOMAN AND THE CHILD.
PLUS THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DOESN'T
WANT EXTRA KIDS AROUND WHILE
THEY'RE TRYING TO QUIT.
>> LAST NIGHT AT A RALLY IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, SOUTH CAROLINA
SENATOR TIM SCOTT SURPRISED MANY
POLITICAL EXPERTS BY ENDORSING
DONALD TRUMP.
HERE TO EXPLAIN IS SENATOR TIM
SCOTT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, MICHAEL.
AND GREAT TO ENDORSE THE NEXT
PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED
STATES, DONALD J. TRUMP.
>> WOW, YOU HAVE A VERY UNIQUE
VOICE, SENATOR.
>> I KNOW.
MY VOICE IS LIKE IF BILL LYNNTON
WAS ACTUALLY BLACK.
I SOUND LIKE THE PRINCESS AND
THE FROG.
I SOUND LIKE IF FOREST GUMP WAS
DOING AN IMPRESSION OF JA RULE.
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY
BABY.
THAT'S AWESOME.
>> A LOT OF FOLKS WERE SURPRISED
THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE ENDORSED
DONALD TRUMP?
>> WHY?
BECAUSE I'M BLACK?
THAT'S VERY MISGUIDED.
I DON'T SEE COLOR.
WHEN I LOOKED AT ALL THE PEOPLE
AT TRUMP'S RALLY, I DID NOT SEE
A SINGLE COLOR.
>> IT'S SURPRISING BECAUSE YOU
TURNED ON NIKKI HALEY.
SHE APPOINTED YOU TO BE SENATOR,
AND NOW YOU'RE ENDORSING HER
RIVAL?
>> NIKKI AND I WILL ALWAYS BE
CLOSE FRIENDS, BUT NICKY, OR AS
MR. TRUMP TOLD ME TO CALL HER --
[ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH
LANGUAGE ]
-- SHE MAY NOT EVEN BE FROM
SOUTH CAROLINA OR EVEN AMERICA.
>> SENATOR, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT
TRUE.
THOSE ARE JUST RACIST DOG
WHISTLES.
>> MICHAEL, THAT'S NOT A RACIST
DOG WHISTLE.
THIS IS.
>> WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO
THINK TRUMP IS ONLY USING YOU TO
WIN THE BLACK VOTES?
>> LOOK, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE
BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE
ME.
ALL RIGHT?
ONE TIME I SAID THE N WORD AT A
BARBERSHOP, AND EVERYONE WENT,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SO WHEN MR. TRUMP ASKED ME TO
CAMPAIGN FOR HIM IN INTERCITIES
LIKE DETROIT AND PHILADELPHIA, I
SAID WHY DON'T WE START IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE?
THOSE ARE MY PEOPLE.
>> NOW THERE'S SPECULATION ABOUT
YOUR POLITICAL FUTURE.
IF TRUMP PICKS YOU TO BE HIS
RUNNING MATE, WOULD YOU DO IT?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
I WOULD BE HONORED.
>> REALLY?
EVEN THOUGH HE HO TOLD A MOB TO
HANG HIS LAST ONE?
>> HE DID WHAT?
>> TIM SCOTT, EVERYBODY.
>> A NEW REPORT FINDS THE
AVERAGE 50-YEAR-OLD IN AMERICA
IS WORTH OVER $1 MILLION WHILE
THE AVERAGE 30-YEAR-OLD IS WORTH
MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE.
>> ELTON JOHN WON AN EMMY FOR
HIS FAIR WELL CONCERT SPECIAL
EARNING HIM A COVETED E.G.O.T.,
WHICH IS AN EMMY, A GRAMMY, AN
OSCAR, AND A TONY.
A NEW STARTUP COMPANY IS
DEVELOPING A MALE CONTRACEPTIVE
THAT INVOLVES ONE INJECTION THAT
WILL PREVENT PREGNANCY FOR TEN
YEARS, SO GET READY FOR AN
EXCITING FUTURE OF TAKING THE
MAN'S WORD FOR IT.
HE LIKED THAT.
GOOD JOKE.
>> A VOLVO CRASHED THROUGH THE
FRONT OF A WHOLE FOODS IN A
MARYLAND SUBURB.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT TO WHITE THAT
EVERYONE'S INSURANCE WENT DOWN.
A PASSENGER ON SPIRIT AIRLINES
WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE REPEATEDLY
ASKED FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
TO JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB, EVEN
THOUGH SPIRITS AIRPLANES CAN'T
GET ABOVE 300 FEET.
>> TESLA OWNERS ARE COMPLAINING
THAT DURING THE SUB ZERO
TEMPERATURES, THEY COULDN'T GET
THEIR CARS TO CHARGE.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, THEY WERE ABLE
TO STAY WARM IN THE BATTERY
FIRES.
A MAN ON A PLANE IN INDIA WHO
WAS TRAPPED IN THE BATHROOM FOR
THE WHOLE FLIGHT SAYS THE CREW
SLIPPED HIM A PIECE OF PAPER
READING DO NOT PANIC.
THEN HE SLIPPED THEM A PIECE OF
PAPER BACK READING MORE PAPER
PLEASE.
>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT MEN
ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN AT USING A
MAP, WHILE WOMEN ARE BETTER AT
SILENTLY SITTING FOR THE REST OF
THE CAR RIDE AFTER YOU TELL THEM
THAT.
>> A NEW STUDY OF PREGNANT WOMEN
FINDS THAT VAPING DOES NOT HARM
THEIR BABIES AS LONG AS THEY'RE
VERY CAREFUL SHOVING THE VAPE UP
THERE.
>> MY GOD.
>> THAT'S THE STUDY.
THAT'S A REAL STUDY.
THIS WAS A NICE STORY OVER THE
HOLIDAYS, NEARLY 20 DRIVERS ON
THE STATEN ISLAND EXPRESSWAY
WORKED TOGETHER TO SAVE A
CHIHUAHUA NAMED BEAN THAT RAN ON
TO THE ROAD, AND THEY BANDED
TOGETHER AGAIN TO SEND BEAN BACK
WHERE HE CAME FROM.
>> RECENTLY, A VIDEO WENT VIRAL
OF A DEFENDANT ATTACKING A JUDGE
IN A LAS VEGAS COURTHOUSE.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
HERE WITH MORE ABOUT IT IS THE
FLYING DEFENDANT HIMSELF, DEOBRE
REDDEN.
>> HOW YOU FEELING?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> SO DEOBRE, WHAT COMPELLED YOU
TO ATTACK THE JUDGE LIKE THAT?
>> MAN, YOU ASKING THE WRONG
QUESTIONS, CHE.
YOU SHOULD BE ASKING HOW BECAUSE
THEY AIN'T NO DAMN WAY SOMEBODY
SHOULD BE ABLE TO ATTACK A JUDGE
IN THE HER OWN DAMN COURTROOM.
HOW HARD IS IT TO CATCH A GROWN
MAN FLYING ACROSS THE COURT OF
LAW, MAN?
>> SO YOU TRYING TO SAY THIS IS
NOT YOUR FAULT?
>> WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM
SHERIFFS NEED TO BE FIRED.
PLAY THE CLIP AGAIN.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, I FLY AT
THE JUDGE -- GREAT FORM, MIGHT I
ADD.
WHAT Y'ALL DON'T SEE IS THE
BAILIFF IS BEHIND ME RUBBING HIS
HANDS ON HIS BELLY LIKE THIS
STRAIGHT DAYDREAMING.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN.
HOME BOY WAS THINKING ABOUT A
SNACK.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN.
WHILE I FLY THIS WAY, THE
BAILIFF, HE RUN BEHIND ME, HE
FALL DOWN.
LOOK AT HIM, MAN.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MAN, PUT THE DUNKIN DOWN, PICK
UP THE TASER, AND DO SOMETHING,
MAN.
I WAS IN THE AIR FOR LIKE FOUR,
FIVE, SIX GOOD SECONDS.
SHAME ON THEM.
>> YOU DO HAVE A POINT.
THAT WAS CRAZY.
I DON'T THINK A JUDGE HAS EVER
BEEN ATTACKED IN THEIR OWN
COURTROOM BEFORE.
>> EXACTLY.
IT WAS CRAZY I MADE CONTACT.
I WAS SHOCKED.
WHY THIS JUDGE WASN'T BEHIND
SOME GLASS, MAN.
HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?
I WAS BLUFFING.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BOUNCE
OFF SOME GLASS.
>> WHAT GLASS?
>> EVERYBODY GOT GLASS.
CAB DRIVERS GOT CLASS, EVEN CVS
SHAMPOO GOT SOME GLASS, MAN.
AS I WAS RUNNING, I THOUGHT,
MAN, THERE FOR SURE GOING TO BE
SOME GLASS.
YOU FEEL ME?
>> DO YOU FEEL ANY REMORSE?
>> OF COURSE I DO.
I WAS TRYING TO SHAKE HER UP A
BIT, AND WHEN I GOT CONTACT, I
WAS LIKE, MAN.
LOOK AT THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WHEN THEY
BROUGHT ME BACK TO COURT, THEY
PUT A MUZZLE ON ME, MAN?
>> PROBABLY FOR EVERYBODY'S
SAFETY.
>> I DIDN'T BITE NOBODY.
NOW THEY JUST GASSING IT.
I DIDN'T DO NO MOUTH STUFF!
>> YOUR SISTER SPOKE UP FOR YOU
SAYING YOU WERE HAVING A MENTAL
BREAKDOWN.
WAS THAT TRUE?
>> I BELIEVE THAT MAY HAVE BEEN
THE CASE, YES.
MENTALLY, IT WAS A BREAKDOWN.
BUT ATHLETICALLY, IT WAS GREAT,
MAN.
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT, NOW WHEN I
GO TO THE COURT FOR THAT APPEAL,
I BET Y'ALL THEY GOING TO HAVE
SOME GLASS.
>> THAT'S ENOUGH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
>>> AND BEFORE I GOT SOBER, MY MARRIAGE WAS SO TOXIC THAT AT ONE POINT, THE PRIEST WHO
MARRIED US SAID TO ME PRIVATELY,
I'M PRAYING THAT Y'ALL DIVORCE.
BUT NOW I'M SOBER.
AA SAVED OUR MARRIAGE.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE.
>> HI.
SORRY.
IS THIS AN AA MEETING?
>> THIS IS A WOMEN'S MEETING,
GUY.
>> OH, MY BAD.
THE DIRECTORY SAID THERE'S A
MEETING IN ST. JOHN'S.
>> DUDE, LOOK AT THE SIGN.
WOMEN SUPPORTING WOMEN.
>> OKAY.
NO WORRIES.
WELL, I'LL TELL THE JUDGE I
TRIED.
>> CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM?
I'M JUST REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE A GROUP OF WOMEN TO CONNECT
WITH.
>> I AGREE.
I HATED AA UNTIL I FOUND GIRLS.
>> MM.
>> SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
IS THIS AN AA MEETING?
>> IT IS.
MOVE.
SIT HERE.
>> UH-HUH.
YEAH.
>> DO YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE
YOURSELF TO THE GROUP?
>> SURE.
I GUESS.
MY NAME IS JOSHUA, AND I'M AN
ALCOHOLIC.
>> HI, JOSHUA.
>> AND I'M SOBER FOR 78 DAYS
NOW.
>> GET IT.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
YOU KNOW I'M GRATEFUL TO BE
SOBER.
IT'S JUST, WHEN I'M SOBER OFF
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, I ACT OUT
SEXUALLY WITH WOMEN.
>> MM.
>> OH, NO.
>> THAT IS TOUGH STUFF.
>> YOU GOT THIS, THOUGH.
>> ONE DAY AT A TIME.
>> BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M REPLACING ONE DRUG WITH
ANOTHER, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE
TOO GRAPHIC.
>> PLEASE DO.
BECAUSE I KNOW IT COULD HELP
SOMEONE.
FOR ME, HEARING A GRAPHIC STORY
KEEPS ME OFF THE BOTTLE.
>> MM HMM.
>> I ABSOLUTELY RUN THROUGH
WOMEN.
MY APPETITE IS INSATIABLE.
>> THAT IS SO SAD.
AND IS THERE AN AGE CUTOFF OR A
BODY TYPE YOU GO FOR?
>> NO, IT'S ANY AND ALL TYPES.
ALL OF THEM.
>> MM.
>> I HOPE I'M NOT TRIGGERING
ANYONE.
IN FACT, NOW THAT I'M LOOKING
AROUND, I FEEL LIKE I ONLY SEE
WOMEN.
>> WELL, USUALLY THERE'S MEN
HERE, BUT THEY'RE ALL AT THE
GAME.
>> WHAT GAME?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
COMICON.
BACK TO YOUR SOBRIETY.
YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT
BEING ATTRACTED TO ALL
ETHNICITIES.
>> YEAH.
THE LONGER I STAY SOBER, THE
MORE I ABSOLUTELY COMPULSIVELY
ACT OUT WITH WOMEN.
>> MM!
>> HEY, HEY, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT
YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR
SOBRIETY.
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF OFF -- UP.
>> I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
BESIDES, IT'S NOTHING COMPARED
TO MY BEHAVIOR WHEN I WAS
DRINKING.
I WOULD ABSOLUTELY WEAR THOSE
POOR WOMEN LIKE A GAS MASK.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU COULD DRINK
AGAIN.
>> ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T A
WOMEN'S MEETING?
I MEAN, THAT SIGN SAYS WOMEN
SUPPORTING WOMEN.
>> IT'S PRINTED WRONG.
IT SHOULD SAY WOMEN SUPPORTING
WOMEN SUPPORTING YOU.
>> SORRY.
YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT
GIVING WOMEN THE DICKING OF A
LIFETIME?
>> OH, RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS NEVER A BETTER LOVER THAN
WHEN I WAS DRUNK.
I WAS PASSIONATE AND WILD, AND
IT WENT ALL NIGHT.
>> MM, MM, MM.
>> ALL IT TOOK WAS A COUPLE OF
BEERS.
>> OKAY.
THIS IS WEIRD, BUT THERE ARE
RANDOMLY TWO BEERS HERE.
>> I'M GOING TO BE SUPER
VULNERABLE WITH Y'ALL.
I'M FEELING THE URGE TO ACT OUT.
>> OH, THAT -- THAT IS TOTALLY
NORMAL.
I MEAN, HOW DO WE SUPPORT -- HOW
DO WE BEST SUPPORT YOU RIGHT
NOW?
>> OH, YOUR TOP HAS FALLEN
SLIGHTLY OPEN.
>> HAS IT?
I'M JUST OVERHEATED.
I MEAN, MAYBE I'LL COOL DOWN IF
I JUST BOUNCE.
>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW!
GUESS YOU CAN ONLY GET SOBRIETY
AROUND HERE IF YOU'RE HOT.
>> GET OUT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, RENEE RAPP!
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME
OR SOMETHING ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU CAME WITH HER
BUT SHE MIGHT
LEAVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GOTTA PAY
FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ WHERE SHE AT?
WHAT SHE DOIN'?
WHO SHE WITH
AND WHERE SHE FROM? ♪
♪ OH SHE'S THIS?
SHE'S THAT?
SHE'S A FLIGHT RISK
ON THE RUN ♪
♪ SHE'S BACK
SHE'S BACK
YEAH I'M BACK BITCH
ARE YOU DONE? ♪
♪ EXCUSE ME
WHILE I BITE MY TONGUE♪
♪ I'M BACK ON THAT SAME --
FROM BEFORE
I CAN'T TAKE THIS PETTINESS
NOW I'M BORED ♪
♪ WE CAN SHARE BABE
THERE'S ENOUGH FOR US ALL ♪
♪ TOLD YOU WHO I AM
AND WHAT IT IS
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU CAME WITH HER
BUT SHE MIGHT
LEAVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GOTTA PAY
FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ GET HER NUMBER
GET HER NAME
GET A GOOD THING
WHILE YOU CAN ♪
♪ KISS A BLONDE
KISS A FRIEND
CAN A GAY GIRL
GET AN AMEN? ♪
♪ I'M BACK ON THAT SAME --
FROM BEFORE
I CAN'T TAKE THIS PETTINESS
NOW I'M BORED ♪
♪ WE CAN SHARE BABE
THERE'S ENOUGH FOR US ALL ♪
♪ TOLD YOU WHO I AM
AND WHAT IT IS
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU CAME WITH HER
BUT SHE MIGHT
LEAVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GOTTA PAY
FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ I MEAN WHO WOULDN'T
WANNA BE IN LOVE WITH ME? ♪
♪ I'M A MOOD
BORIN' GIRLS
GOTTA PINTEREST ME ♪
♪ I'M A STALLION
BUT THEY COMIN' FOR ME
LIKE TROJAN ♪
♪ AND IT WOULDN'T BE ME
IF I AIN'T CAUSE COMMOTION ♪
♪ I'M SO BAD
DUDES THOUGHT I WAS A.I.
BALLIN' LIKE EIGHT AH ♪
♪ STICK TO THE --
LIKE A STAPLER
STACK LIKE JENGA ♪
♪ ANY -- GET STROKED
LIKE A PAINTER ♪
♪ IT'S FUNNY HOW
THE MEAN GIRL
OPEN ALL THE DOORS ♪
♪ I BEEN TOLD Y'ALL
I'M THE BLACK
REGINA GEORGE ♪
♪ YOU WAS HATIN' BACK THEN
NOW YOU FINNA HATE MORE
I GOT INFLUENCE
I RUN -- ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I WOKE UP HOTTER
THAN I WAS YESTERDAY ♪
♪ DON'T CARE ABOUT NO RULES
'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET MY WAY
HEY HEY ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU CAME WITH HER
BUT SHE MIGHT
LEAVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GOTTA PAY
FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME
YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
>> WHAT'S UP "SNL"?
>> GIVE IT UP FOR MEGAN THEE
STALLION!
♪ IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME, YOU'RE LIKE IN
LOVE WITH ME ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT STUDENTS IN AN ACTING CLASS. YOU ARE A HO AND A PIMP ON SKID
ROW.
GO.
>> THE HELL IS THIS, BITCH?
A WHOLE NIGHT OF HO'ing, AND ALL
YOU BRING ME IS $150.
>> I TOLD YOU ONE OF FUZZY'S
HOES ROBBED ME, DADDY.
>> STOP THE SCENE!
I DIDN'T BELIEVE A WORD OF THAT.
YOU TWO ALWAYS COME OFF AS TWO
WHITE PEOPLE FROM GOOD HOMES.
>> I FELT THAT.
THANK YOU.
>> WE ALL HAVE CHALLENGED TO
OVERCOME ON THE ROAD OF SUCCESS.
FOR RANDALL, IT'S HIS
UNAPPEALING BODY.
>> OKAY.
>> FOR LAURA, IT'S A LACK OF
TALENT.
>> I KNOW.
I'M WORKING ON IT.
>> AND OF COURSE FOR NATALIE,
IT'S THAT SHE LOOKS STRIKINGLY
LIKE RACHEL McADAMS.
>> YEAH.
I KEEP HEARING THAT, WHICH IS
KIND OF ANNOYING BECAUSE I'M
JUST NOT REALLY A FAN.
>> WELL, SHE'S A FAMOUS ACTRESS,
SO IT MIGHT BE HARD GETTING CAST
IN THINGS.
>> YEAH.
WELL, I THINK THERE'S ROOM IN
HOLLYWOOD FOR RACHEL McADAMS AND
NATALIE PARTMAN.
>> YES.
I MIGHT ALSO CONSIDER CHANGING
YOUR NAME TO SOMETHING THAT
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE NATALIE
PORTMAN.
OH, HE'S HERE.
I HAVE A SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR
ALL OF YOU.
SINCE YOU ALL ASPIRE TO BE
WORKING ACTORS, WHO BETTER TO
GIVE ADVICE THAN A VERY FAMOUS
ACTOR, MR. TREVOR!
>> THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
>> I'M VERY EXCITED FOR YOU TO
HEAR FIRSTHAND HOW HARD ACTORS
MUST WORK TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS.
I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE QUESTIONS.
ASK AWAY.
>> SO, YEAH, YOU'RE AWESOME.
>> OH, THANKS, MAN.
THAT MEANS THE WORLD.
THANK YOU.
>> SO I'M LIKE THREE YEARS INTO
THE AUDITIONING GRIND, AND THE
NEEDLE HAS NOT MOVED FOR ME AT
ALL.
I'M CURIOUS HOW LONG DID IT TAKE
FOR YOU TO GET YOUR FIRST, LIKE,
BIG BREAK?
>> WELL, I FLEW TO LA TO GIVE
THE WHOLE HOLLYWOOD THING A
SHOT, AND AS I WALKED OFF THE
PLANE, SELENA GOMEZ CAME UP TO
ME, SAID I WAS GORGEOUS, AND
ASKED ME TO PLAY HER BOYFRIEND
IN A MUSIC VIDEO, AND THAT LED
TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING.
>> OKAY.
SO THE MOMENT YOU STEPPED IN LA,
YOU GOT YOUR BIG BREAK?
COOL.
>> YEAH.
AND IT WAS ALL THANKS TO SELENA
GOMEZ.
ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART BY THE WAY.
>> OH, YEA.
I'M SO GLAD.
I LOVE HER.
>> HI.
SO I'VE BEEN AUDITIONING FOR
LIKE FIVE YEARS, AND I'VE GOT
NOTHING.
MY AGENT ACTUALLY TOLD ME IT'S
TIME TO CONSIDER PORN.
SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE REJECTION?
>> I FEEL SO DUMB RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT
WORD.
I'M NOT ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
IS IT LIKE A SLANG?
>> OH, NO.
REJECTION IS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
LIKE A PART OF THE HUMAN
CONDITION.
>> YEAH.
IT'S LIKE WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T
WANT YOU FOR SOMETHING.
>> OH, NO.
NO.
THAT'S SO SAD.
YEAH.
REALLY, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT.
>> HI.
I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOURS.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M A FAN OF YOURS.
"SPOTLIGHT", THAT'S AMAZING.
>> NO.
I'M NOT RACHEL McADAMS.
I'M NATALIE PARTMAN.
SO ANYWAY, TO MAKE MONEY, I
STARTED AN ONLYFANS, AND I WAS
SUED BY RACHEL McADAMS, WHO
ACCUSED ME OF BEING A DEEP FAKE
HER, SO, ANYWAY, WHAT ADVICE DO
YOU HAVE FOR SOMEONE WHO LOOKS
LIKE A FAMOUS PERSON?
>> I MEAN, ARE YOU A BETTER
ACTRESS THAN RACHEL McADAMS?
>> I'LL ANSWER THAT.
NO.
>> OKAY.
THEN I WOULD SAY GIVE UP AND
STOP PURSUING A FILM CAREER.
>> GOT IT.
SO I'LL FOCUS ON TV.
NAMASTE.
>> OKAY.
HI, TREVIS.
I'M FAN BOYING OUT RIGHT NOW.
DON'T BE WEIRD.
DO YOU HAVE ANY, LIKE, AUDITION
HACKS?
>> I'M SORRY.
I KEEP HEARING THIS WORD,
AUDITION.
SORRY.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> IT'S WHERE YOU TRY OUT FOR A
PART.
>> OH, MY GOD.
THEY MAKE YOU DO THAT?
DUDE, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
ALLOWED.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, AS FAR AS I
KNOW, THE WAY YOU GET CAST IN A
MOVIE IS THE DIRECTOR ASKS YOU
TO BE IN IT.
>> OH, WOW, THAT SOUNDS SO MUCH
EASIER THAN AUDITIONING.
YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT ACTOR.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAINING?
>> NO.
I JUST DID IT, AND I WAS REALLY
GOOD.
>> AWESOME.
AWESOME.
I'M DEPRESSED NOW.
THANK YOU.
>> WELL, TREVIS ONLY PROMISED US
A FEW MINUTES, SO HE NEEDS TO
GO.
>> LISTEN, THANKS, EVERYBODY.
I ADMIRE ALL OF YOU.
KEEP FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS, AND
I KNOW Y'ALL ARE GOING TO BEAT
YOUR ILLNESS.
ONE LOVE.
>> DID HE THINK THIS WAS LIKE A
MAKE A WISH THING?
>> HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN
HIM HERE?
OKAY.
NATALIE, LET'S SEE YOUR
MONOLOGUE.
WHAT'S IT FROM?
>> "THE NOTEBOOK."
>> WHY CHOOSE THAT?
WHY?
>>> WHEN I'M WITH YOU, BRIAN, THE PAST MELTS AWAY. BUT BEFORE I MET YOU, I HAD TO
KISS A LOT OF FROGS.
AND BY THAT, I MEAN I USED ALL
THE APPS.
BUT SERIOUSLY, SOME OF THOSE
GUYS ON THOSE DATING APPS ARE
THE WORST.
BUT WHEN I MET YOU SIX YEARS
AGO, I KNEW I HAD FOUND THE ONE.
>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
>> BEAUTIFUL VOWS, JILL.
NOW, SHOULD ANYONE PRESENT KNOW
OF ANY REASON THAT THIS COUPLE
SHOULD NOT BE JOINED IN HOLY
MATRIMONY, SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER
HOLD YOUR PEACE.
>> HEY.
EXCUSE ME.
LIKE OBJECTION, I GUESS.
>> I'M SORRY.
WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M GARRETT FROM HINGE.
AKA, THE GUY WHO JUST RANDOMLY
CAUGHT A STRAY IN YOUR WEDDING
VOWS.
I GUESS CONGRATS ON GETTING
MARRIED TO LIKE A POINTY
LEONARDO DiCAPRIO.
>> YEAH.
I -- OH, MY GOD.
I REMEMBER YOU.
YES, WE WENT ON A HINGE DATE,
AND YOU KEPT SAYING I HAD
HUFFLEPUFF VIBES, BUT THE ASS OF
A SLYTHERIN.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT.
>> LOOK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST
LEAVE?
>> FINE.
I'LL JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM,
AND WHEN I COME BACK, WE CAN
FIGURE ALL THIS OUT.
>> FIGURE WHAT OUT?
HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT
THIS WEDDING?
>> MAYBE BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND
IS THE ORGANIST HERE?
GARRETT, I KNOW YOUR FEELINGS
ARE HURT, AND THAT'S REALLY
HARD.
BUT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT
KILL THEM.
ALL RIGHT.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, YOU GUYS,
AND IT'S EITHER ME OR HIM.
>> IT'S HIM.
AND PLEASE STOP STANDING LIKE
YOUR SHIRT.
>> THIS SUCKS.
WHATEVER.
I'M NOT EVEN ON HINGE ANYMORE.
NOT AFTER I GOT ACCEPTED TO
RAYA, AFTER I WENT VIRAL FOR
SCREAMING ON AN AIRPLANE. AND, YES, I MATCHED WITH THE
RACHEL DOLISOL.
>> I'M SO SORRY THIS IS
HAPPENING.
>> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BABE.
>> OH, BRIAN.
SORRY, THAT WAS MY STEWIE
GRIFFIN IMPRESSION.
>> GARRETT, THAT WAS ACTUALLY AN
AMAZING IMPRESSION.
YOU KNOW, I DO A PRETTY GOOD
LOIS MYSELF.
>> LET'S HEAR IT.
>> PETER!
>> IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN THE ROOM
WITH ME.
>> IT'S TIME FOR BED, STEWIE!
>> YOU VILE WOMAN.
>> AND I'M CLEVELAND BROWN.
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING?
BRIAN, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS!
>> RIDICULOUS?
WOW.
NOW SHE'S GIVING HER MAN LIP ON
HIS WEDDING DAY.
YOU KNOW, THAT NASTY LITTLE YUM
NOTHING ATTITUDE IS EXACTLY WHY
I BROKE UP WITH YOUR SORRY ASS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS
GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
ME AND GARRETT ARE GOING TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM AND WE CAN
FIGURE ALL THIS OUT.
>> WHAT?
BRIAN, NO!
>> I KNOW IT'S HARD, BRIAN.
I KNOW SHE HURT YOUR FEELINGS,
BUT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT
KILL HER.
>> BUT I REALLY WANT TO.
>> I KNOW.
IT'S SO TEMPTING.
WHY DID I BRING MY BOOK OF
SPELLS?
>> GOSH, AND I REALLY WISH I
DIDN'T BRING MY KILLING WAND.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS
GETTING REALLY TOXIC FOR ME.
I JUST NEED TO REMOVE MYSELF
FROM THE SITUATION.
GOOD-BYE, BRIAN.
>> GOOD-BYE, GARRETT.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, YOU
BEAUTIFUL ANGEL?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANKS TO RENEE RAPP, MEGAN THEE STALLION, AND RACHEL McADAMS!
THANK YOU LORNE, THANK YOU TO
ALL THE PERSONNEL.
AND THANK YOU ALL.
I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.