1 00:00:06,406 --> 00:00:09,242 [ APPLAUSE ] >>> OKAY. 2 00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:11,845 OKAY. EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN. 3 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:18,852 MY NAME IS ALINA HABBA. I'M THE ATTORNEY FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP IN THE SECOND DEFAMATION 4 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:24,257 TRIAL OF E. JEAN CARROLL. THE JUDGE HAS BEEN VERY UNFAIR FROM THE BEGINNING, AND I WANT 5 00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:30,163 TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR, I AM NEW AT THIS, AND I AM LEARNING. 6 00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:36,002 NOW, THE PRESIDENT MAY OR MAY NOT STOP FOR BRIEF REMARKS, BUT DUE TO A STRICT GAG ORDER, HE 7 00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:43,143 WILL NOT BE COMMENTING ON ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS CASE, MS. CARROLL, OR THE JUDGE. 8 00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:48,214 >> THANK YOU, ALINA. YOU'RE GREAT ON TV. MAYBE THE WORST LAWYER I'VE EVER 9 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,718 HAD, WHICH IS QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. LOOK AT THIS TEAM. 10 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:55,622 THIS IS THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, FOLKS. THIS IS WHO SAID YES. 11 00:00:55,622 --> 00:01:02,362 I'M IN THE LEAD FOR PRESIDENT, AND THIS IS THE BEST I CAN GET. FEELS LIKE A RED FLAG, NO? 12 00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:06,166 WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID BY THE WAY. YOU KNOW THAT? 13 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:07,967 OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. 14 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:12,072 THANK YOU, GUYS. SEE YOU AT SHAKY'S. YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE. 15 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:19,679 BUT WE ARE HERE AT COURTHOUSE, AND, YES, WE WILL BE ABIDING BY THIS HORRIBLE GAG ORDER, SO I 16 00:01:19,679 --> 00:01:26,419 WILL NOT BE SAYING THAT THE JUDGE IS AN IDIOT OR WHERE HE LIVES OR WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY CAR 17 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:31,491 HE DRIVES. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STILL MADE WAGONEERS, BUT IT'S A TERRIBLE 18 00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:40,533 TIME FOR OUR COUNTRY. I AM STANDING WEIRDER THAN EVER. ARMS LIKE A GI JOE, LEGS LIKE 19 00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:44,337 THE SMOOTH CRIMINAL VIDEO. LOOK LIKE I'M ALWAYS IN SKI BOOTS. 20 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:50,176 MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. WE JUST GOT BACK FROM IOWA WHERE WE WON VERY BIG, VERY BIG IN 21 00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:55,248 IOWA. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE MR. DeSANTIS ON A TRULY 22 00:01:55,248 --> 00:02:01,087 EMBARRASSING SHOWING. HE WENT TO 99 COUNTIES, BUT BITCH COULDN'T WIN ONE. 23 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:06,359 RON DESTUPID. RON DESTUPID. IT JUST WORKS. 24 00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:17,170 WE'RE GOING WITH RON DESTUPID. ALSO WANT TO CONGRATULATE MR. RAMASWAMY. 25 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:23,076 VIVEKAA. RAMASWAMY WHO DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE AND HAS AGREED TO LIVE IN MY SUIT POCKET. 26 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:29,315 I LOVE MY LITTLE RATATOUILLE. AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM DOING VERY WELL COGNITIVELY. 27 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:36,589 DOING GREAT WITH COGNITIVE. I'M MORE COGNITIVE THAN EVER. THE DOCTOR SAID, SIR, YOU HAVE 28 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:43,496 TO BE IN THE TOP 99% OF ALL THE CON THE CUSHION AND DEMENTIA PEOPLE WE GIVE THIS TEST TO. 29 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:48,835 I SAID, WELL, I GUESS I'M VERY GOOD AT RECOGNIZING ELEPHANTS. WHO KNEW. 30 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:56,276 AND NOW WE'RE HERE. AND THIS IS THE CAMPAIGN, FOLKS. THIS IS ALL THERE IS, ME YELLING 31 00:02:56,276 --> 00:03:07,487 IN COURTHOUSE LOBBY STANDING BEHIND BARRICADE LIKE AFAMILY AT JFK PICKUP. 32 00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:14,694 BUT NEXT IS NEW HAMPSHIRE AGAINST NIKKI HALEY. NIKKI, NIKKI, SHE THOUGHT I WAS 33 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:25,405 DONE, BUT I'M BACK IN A BIG WAY. I'M BACK LIKE "MEAN GIRLS." YEAH, WE LOVE "MEAN GIRLS." 34 00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:28,675 WHERE'S LACY? LET OUT OF REMAKE. SO SAD. 35 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:34,381 YOU KNOW HER FATHER DID TOASTER STRUDLE. BUT SHE'S DOING GREAT THINGS IN 36 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:39,786 TERMS OF HALLMARK MOVIES, STAYING BUSY. JUST LIKE ME, IT'S IMPORTANT TO 37 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:44,157 HAVE HOBBIES. BIDEN HAS FALLING DOWN. I HAVE MY MINITRIALS. 38 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:52,899 I LOVE BEING ON TRIAL. BUT BIDEN'S VERY CREEPY. HE SNIFFS LITTLE GIRLS' HAIR. 39 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:58,505 I AM DIFFERENT OF COURSE. I DO FAR WORSE THAN THAT. YOU EVER SEE THAT VIDEO OF ME 40 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:03,877 DANCING WITH EPSTEIN? BOY IS THIS SOME DARK ENERGY. CLAPPING OFF BEAT. 41 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:12,886 I GOT THE EUGENE LEVY EYEBROWS. VERY STRANGE. I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF THE 42 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:17,691 THAT FOOTAGE WAS FAKE. OF COURSE IT'S VERY REAL. BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK IN MANY 43 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:22,762 WAYS IT COULD NOT BE. WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF SUCCESS WITH SAYING THINGS THAT DID NOT 44 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,365 HAPPEN. I THINK WE'LL CONTINUE TO DO THAT. 45 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:29,969 IT'S AN INNOVATION I'M PARTICULARLY PROUD OF. SEEMS TO BE WORKING VERY WELL. 46 00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:34,641 BUT I LOVE THIS COUNTRY AND ITS TRADITIONS. THAT'S WHY I'M NOT DOING ANY 47 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:38,078 DEBATES AND BARELY DOING ELECTION. I DON'T NEED TO. 48 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:42,449 MY PEOPLE LOVE ME. I GOT THE OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE WAITING IN SNOW FOR TWO 49 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:47,253 HOURS TO VOTE FOR TRUMP. OH, DARLING, I'M DYING. I GOT TO DO ONE LAST THING. 50 00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:52,959 I GOT TO VOTE FOR TRUMP. WE JUST NEED THEM TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL NOVEMBER. 51 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:58,431 STAY ALIVE UNTIL NOVEMBER. JUST PULL THAT LEVER AND DROP DEAD. 52 00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:02,836 WHY? BECAUSE I AM SENT BY GOD, AND GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME OR 53 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:08,208 WHATEVER. I DON'T KNOW. BUT 2024 IS GOING TO BE A VERY 54 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:15,448 EXCITING YEAR. I'M EITHER GOING TO JAIL, BE PRESIDENT, OR FRANKLY, THE 55 00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:18,952 PURGE. PERHAPS ALL THREE. LET'S SPIN THE CHAMBER. 56 00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:26,259 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! SATURDAY NIGHT! 57 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,427 SATURDAY NIGHT! >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 58 00:06:47,474 --> 00:07:15,035 FEATURING -- 59 00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:27,347 FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST -- RENEE RAPP. AND YOUR HOST -- JACOB ELORDI. 60 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:52,939 ELORDI! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU! 61 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:57,744 THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS SO EXCITING TO BE HERE HOSTING THE FIRST AND SO FAR 62 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:06,019 BEST SHOW OF 2024. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO YOU MIGHT KNOW ME FROM 63 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:12,258 "SALTBURN." NOT FROM -- THANKS. NOT FROM SEEING THE FILM, JUST 64 00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:19,065 FROM SEEING THE TIKTOKS. LIKE THIS SCENE. YEAH. 65 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:25,038 I WAS THE ONE IN THE GRAVE. BUT IF YOU SAW THE MOVIE, THANK YOU. 66 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:33,713 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IF YOU SAW THE MOVIE WITH YOUR PARENTS, I'M SORRY. 67 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:38,585 AND IF YOU SAY YOU THE MOVIE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU'RE WELCOME. 68 00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:45,258 ANYWAY, I'M NOT MUCH OF A PUBLIC SPEAKER, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD OPEN IT UP TO SOME QUESTIONS 69 00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:51,598 FROM THE AUDIENCE. YES, YOU? >> HI, BABY GIRL. 70 00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:57,203 LOVED YOU IN PRISCILLA. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE IMPRESSION OF ELVIS? 71 00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:02,242 YOUNG ELVIS OR OLD ELVIS? >> IT'S PROBABLY "LILO AND STITCH" ELVIS, YEAH. 72 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,144 ALL RIGHT. NEXT QUESTION. YOU? 73 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:11,251 >> HI. NO QUESTION. JUST WANT TO LOOK AT YOU. 74 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:15,388 >> ARE YOU DONE? >> NOT YET. ALMOST. 75 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:20,293 >> OKAY. >> DONE. >> WHO ELSE HAS A QUESTION? 76 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:26,232 YES, YOU. >> OKAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 77 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,602 NO, NO! MY GOD, I THOUGHT I WOULD GET BETTER APPLAUSE THAN THAT. 78 00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:36,776 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NO. ANYWAY, JUST WANTED TO SAY I SAW 79 00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:42,882 YOUR MOVIE, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS ABSOLUTELY GROSS. >> RIGHT. 80 00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:46,252 YEAH. WELL, "SALTBURN" REALLY ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. 81 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:54,794 >> WHAT THE HELL IS A SALT BURN? I'M TALKING ABOUT "THE KISSING BOOTH." 82 00:09:54,794 --> 00:10:01,534 TWO PEOPLE KISSING ON THE MOUTH? BLAH. >> KISSING IS KIND OF WEIRD WHEN 83 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,971 YOU THINK ABOUT IT. CAN YOU NAME ONE OTHER ANIMAL THAT KISSES? 84 00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:12,412 >> EXCUSE ME, SIR. I BELIEVE I CAN NAME AN ANIMAL THAT KISSES. 85 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:16,816 >> YOU CAN? >> YES. THE NOBLE ELEPHANT WILL 86 00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:22,022 SOMETIMES PUT ITS TRUNK INTO ITS LOVER'S MOUTH. >> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? 87 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:28,128 >> LET'S JUST SAY I OWN AN ELEPHANT, AND I OPEN MY MOUTH A LOT. 88 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,064 >> OKAY. I HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. 89 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:37,637 YES, BOWEN? >> YOU KNOW HOW YOU WERE -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 90 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:44,844 MORE APPLAUSE THAN SARAH. YOU KNOW HOW YOU WERE BORN IN AUSTRALIA? 91 00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:51,885 I WAS ALSO BORN IN AUSTRALIA, BUT WE MOVED WHEN I WAS A BABY, SO MY ACCENT KIND OF GOES IN AND 92 00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,286 OUT, MATE. >> COOL. DID YOU HAVE A QUESTION? 93 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:58,558 >> NO. >> GREAT JOB, BOWEN. BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT TO 94 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:04,264 TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO BE HERE. I'VE BEEN ACTING NOW FOR LIKE 95 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:08,501 SEVEN YEARS, AND IT'S SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE RUSH OF TRYING TO GET TO THE NEXT THING 96 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:12,639 AND THE NEXT THING. BUT TONIGHT, THE PEOPLE I LOVE ARE HERE, YOU ALL ARE HERE, AND 97 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:16,743 BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M HERE. SO THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 98 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:20,880 WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. RENEE RAPP IS HERE 99 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,184 TONIGHT. RENEE RAPP IS HERE WE|LL BE RIGHT BACK 100 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:40,967 KING? FIND OUT TONIGHT. >> WELCOME TO THE FINALE OF 101 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:45,205 CROWN YOUR SHORT KING. TIFFANY, YOU'VE SPENT THE PAST THREE MONTHS GETTING TO KNOW 102 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:52,479 THESE INCREDIBLE LITTLE GUYS. BUT NOW YOU'RE DOWN TO YOUR LAST THREE. 103 00:11:52,479 --> 00:12:00,520 KEVIN, HAROLD, TEDDY, PLEASE STEP FORWARD. THE REST OF YOU MAY LEAVE. 104 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:06,593 TIFFANY, TONIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE TO CROWN AS YOUR SHORT KING. 105 00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:13,366 AW. THE FLOOR IS YOURS. >> GOD, THIS IS SO HARD. 106 00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:19,973 WHEN I CAME TO SHORT KING MANSION, THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS, DAMN, I SHOULD HAVE 107 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:26,546 PACKED MORE FLATS. ON DATING APPS, I WAS THAT GIRL WHO WOULD WRITE, IF YOU'RE UNDER 108 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:32,218 6 FEET, SWIPE LEFT. BUT GETTING TO KNOW ALL OF YOU HAS MADE ME REALIZE THAT I WAS 109 00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:37,123 LETTING GO OF SOME INCREDIBLE GUYS. KEVIN, I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU, 110 00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:43,329 ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU OPENED UP AND TOLD ME YOUR DOG HAS ANXIETY. 111 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:51,604 HAROLD, YOU'RE SERIOUSLY THE FUNNIEST GUY ON PLANET EARTH. AND TINY TEDDY -- 112 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:58,311 >> IT'S JUST TEDDY. >> RIGHT. TEDDY, LAST NIGHT WE CONNECTED 113 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:04,918 IN THE OVERNIGHT SUITE PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. YOU'VE ALL PROVEN TO ME THAT 114 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:11,157 SOMETIMES THE BEST THINGS COME IN THE SMALLEST PACKAGES. AND SOMETIMES SMALL PACKAGES 115 00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:20,367 HAVE MEDIUM-SIZED PACKAGES. BUT NOW I HAVE TO CHOOSE. >> TIFFANY, WAIT. 116 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:25,605 BEFORE YOU DO, WE HAVE ONE FINAL TWIST. >> WHAT? 117 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:30,210 >> I HAVE ONE MORE BACHELOR TO INTRODUCE INTO THE GAME. MEET JACKSON. 118 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:38,218 . [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP? 119 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:42,122 WHAT'S UP? >> YEAH, I CHOOSE HIM. >> NOPE. 120 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:46,760 NOT SUPPOSED TO YET. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING -- >> YEAH, IT WON'T MATTER. 121 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:52,098 >> WELL, LET'S GET TO KNOW HIM ANYWAY. JACKSON, TELL TIFFANY A LITTLE 122 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:59,105 ABOUT YOURSELF. >> THREE THINGS ABOUT ME IS THAT I'M FROM PITTSBURGH, I 123 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:04,411 TECHNICALLY STILL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, AND I NEED TO BORROW $200,000. 124 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:09,749 >> SO DO I JUST GIVE HIM THE CROWN NOW OR -- >> TIFFANY, BEFORE YOU DECIDE, 125 00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:15,622 REMEMBER, YOU SPENT THREE MONTHS WITH OUR LIL BACHELORS. >> JUST BACHELORS IS FINE. 126 00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:20,160 >> I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TINY TEDDY. >> JUST TEDDY. 127 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:25,065 AND ACTUALLY WHEN I CAME HERE, I SAID MY NAME WAS THEODORE. >> OH, RIGHT. 128 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:32,472 AND I SAID, LIKE THAT CHIPMUNK. >> YEAH. >> LOOK, I LOVED MY TIME WITH 129 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:40,413 YOU GUYS. BUT WITH JACKSON, I WON'T HAVE TO LIKE WEIRDLY BEND MY KNEES IN 130 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:44,284 PHOTOS. >> NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING RUDE. >> DON'T GET MAD. 131 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:48,254 I HATE IT WHEN THEY GET MAD, THEY LIKE BALL THEIR LITTLE FISTS. 132 00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:54,194 >> OH, WHOA. I CAUGHT A MOTH. >> THAT'S AWESOME, JACKSON. 133 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:59,099 >> ALL RIGHT. WELL, BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL DECISION, WE DID ASK ALL YOUR 134 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:05,138 REMAINING SUITORS TO WRITE A LIST OF QUALITIES THEY LOVE ABOUT YOU. 135 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:12,912 KEVIN? >> YOUR LAUGH, YOUR SMILE, THE WAY THE SUN COMES UP IN YOUR 136 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,848 EYES. >> BEAUTIFUL. HAROLD? 137 00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:19,252 >> YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER. YOU HAVE GREAT ENERGY, AND LET'S FACE IT, YOU GOT GREAT TASTE IN 138 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:32,532 MEN. >> HILARIOUS, AS ALWAYS, HAROLD. NEXT UP, CHIPMUNK. 139 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:40,440 >> HA-HA-HA. TIFFANY, I ONLY PUT ONE THING ON MY LIST, YOUR HEART. 140 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:46,946 >> AW, VERY TOUCHING, SQUIRT. JACKSON. >> TIFFANY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF 141 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,283 MY HEART, YOUR BODY IS JUST OKAY. >> YEAH. 142 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:58,358 THAT'S FINE. YOU WIN. >> OH, IT'S TINY JUST LIKE THEM. 143 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:06,900 >> TIFFANY, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS? AND OKAY. 144 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:10,570 I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING OUT WITH JACKSON. THIRD SEASON IN A ROW THIS HAS 145 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:18,311 HAPPENED. JOIN US NEXT SEASON FOR GOLDEN SHORT KING. 146 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:24,918 SAME LIL GUYS, BUT THEY'RE OLDER NOW, AND LET'S FACE IT, BALD. OH, MY GOD. 147 00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:34,461 THEY'RE DANCING. ** ** 148 00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:43,370 >>> WITH OVER 50 MILLION VIEWS, IT WAS THE CONVERSATION THAT BROKE THE INTERNET. 149 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:48,975 KATT WILLIAMS. >> IT'S THE TRUTH, SHANNON. >> SHANNON SHARP. 150 00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:53,480 >> COME ON NOW. >> THE CLUB SHY SHY INTERVIEW. KATT WILLIAMS KEEPING IT 151 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,515 COMPLETELY REAL. >> THREE THINGS ARE TRUE ABOUT ME. 152 00:16:55,515 --> 00:17:08,261 I AM 5'3", I HAVE NEVER TOLD A LIE, AND I AM 6'3". LOOK, HOLLYWOOD CREATED KEVIN 153 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:12,499 HART. EVERYBODY KNOWS KEVIN WAS MADE IN THE SAME FACTORY THEY MAKE 154 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:18,304 TEDDY GRAHAMS. WHY THE HELL HE SMELL LIKE CINNAMON? 155 00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:23,143 >> NOW THERE'S MORE, EIGHT HOURS MORE. GET READY FOR CLUB SHY SHY THE 156 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:26,713 EXTENDED CUT. SEE KATT WILLIAMS TAKE ON EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD AND 157 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:30,750 BEYOND. >> LOOK, I DON'T MESS WITH BARACK OBAMA. 158 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,853 I DON'T TRUST NOBODY WHOSE NAME IS ALL VOWELS. >> WHAT? 159 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:38,825 >> WHY MY MOUTH GOT TO BE OPEN SO LONG. WHAT HE DO, SHANNON? 160 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:44,164 YOU KNOW HIS SLOGAN, YES WE CAN, I CAME UP WITH THAT. BEFORE ME, HE WAS SAYING, 161 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:52,072 PROBABLY, I THINK WE MIGHT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN AVATAR. JAMES CAMERON BEGGED ME TO BE IN 162 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:55,575 IT. HE SAID I'LL SUCK YOUR PENIS. THERE WAS PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. 163 00:17:55,575 --> 00:18:03,483 >> JAMES CAMERON SAID THAT? >> CALL HIM RIGHT NOW. THERE'S TOO MANY GRETAS IN THE 164 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:08,121 WORLD. YOU DON'T THINK IT'S STRANGE ALL THESE WOMEN GOT THE SAME NAME 165 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:16,563 DOING ALL THAT TALKING? YOU NEED TO GRETA JOB. HOW YOU GOING TO CHALLENGE ME, 166 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:21,034 SHANNON? I'M THE ONE WHO INVENTED FRUIT. >> KATT, YOU AIN'T INVENT NO 167 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:24,037 FRUIT. >> BEFORE ME, TREES WASN'T BRINGING NOTHING TO THE TABLE. 168 00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:31,244 >> KATT WILLIAMS TELLS IT ALL, HARD TRUTH, CELEBRITY STORIES. >> I'M IN AMAZING SHAPE. 169 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:39,953 I'M HANDSOME, ATHLETIC, AND I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR 27 YEARS. I'LL RACE YOU RIGHT NOW. 170 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:44,391 >> HOW YOU GOING TO DO THAT, KATT? >> SEE, I JUST BEAT YOU. 171 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:53,967 SHANNON, I AM THE ONLY MAN IN HISTORY TO SAY ALL THE WORDS EVER IN ONE SINGLE WORD. 172 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:58,304 THERE IT IS. THAT'S ALL OF THEM. >> IT'S KATT WILLIAMS AT HIS 173 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:06,379 MOST HONEST AND GETTING DEEP. >> NOW, MY BOY, THEY REJECTED ANY THEORY THAT ARGUED THAT THE 174 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:16,456 ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS, AND EVERY PIMP KNOWS THAT THERE ARE NO TRAN SEN DENT ENDS. 175 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:21,895 STEVE HARVEY CANNOT READ. HE'S LOOKING AT THE TELEPROMPTER AND JUST GUESSING. 176 00:19:21,895 --> 00:19:25,765 AND JUST GUESSING. HE BE ON FAMILY FEUD LIKE, WHAT? >> EIGHT HOURS. 177 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:35,075 GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE DAY OFF 178 00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:39,746 >>> WELCOME BACK TO OUR ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT AWARD SEASON SPECIAL. 179 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:45,418 >> HERE'S A RIDDLE, WHO IS SOMEONE YOU SEE ONCE A YEAR EVERY SINGLE YEAR, AND YET 180 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:50,523 YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE? ANSWER, AN ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT 181 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,591 HOST. >> OUCH. LOVE THAT. 182 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:56,596 WELL, AWARD SEASON IS IN FULL SWING. AT 7:00, IT'S OUR FAVORITE RED 183 00:19:56,596 --> 00:20:02,769 CARPET LOOKS. AND AT 8:00, WE'LL MIX UP STERLING K. BROWN AND MICHAEL B. 184 00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:08,942 JORDAN IN A BIG WAY. >> THIS SEASON HAS BEEN A BUZZ OF CELEBRITIES HAVING 185 00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:13,747 CONVERSATIONS WE WISH WE COULD HEAR. THANKS TO OUR NEXT GUEST, WE 186 00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:19,419 WON'T HAVE TO SPECULATE ANYMORE. PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEXT GUESTS. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US, OR 187 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:25,992 SHOULD I SAY -- >> TRANSLATION, WE'RE STILL APARTMENT HUNTING IF ANYONE 188 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,094 KNOWS OF ANYTHING. >> IMPRESSIVE. >> WHOA. 189 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:31,031 >> SO YOU TWO ARE PROFESSIONAL LIP READERS. >> YES. 190 00:20:31,031 --> 00:20:36,903 WE PICK UP ON EXTREMELY SUBTLE LIP MOVEMENTS AND BODY LANGUAGE TO DECIPHER EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE 191 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,973 MIGHT BE SAYING. >> THAT'S HOW I KNOW YOU'RE INSECURE. 192 00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:42,776 >> OH, MY GOD. I AM. LOVE THAT. 193 00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:54,421 >> SO THE FIRST CLIP YOU'LL BE DECIPHERING IS FROM THE VIRAL ROMANTIC CONVO AT THE GLOBES 194 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:57,323 BETWEEN TIMOTHEE CHALAMET AND KYLIE JENNER. >> YES. 195 00:20:57,323 --> 00:21:02,195 HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS SAYING HE'S RELAXED BUT HORNY. >> AND THE MOVEMENT OF HER MOUTH 196 00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:06,232 WILL SAY SHE'S TALKING. >> FASCINATING. LET'S PLAY THAT CLIP. 197 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:12,772 >> YOUR MOM IS SO NICE. >> SHE'S WILD, BUT I LOVE HER. >> IT'S CRAZY THAT SHE WAS 198 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:18,845 MARRIED TO KANYE. >> WAIT, YOU THINK KIM IS MY MOM? 199 00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:23,083 >> MWAH. WILLY WONKA. >> I LOVE YOU, BABY. 200 00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:29,723 >> I LOVE YOU TOO. OOMPAH LOOMPAH. >> LIKE WE SAID, THIS ISN'T AN 201 00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:34,327 EXACT SCIENCE. >> BUT I DO FEEL CONFIDENT WE GOT IT AT LEAST 100% RIGHT. 202 00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:40,667 >> JUST TO CONFIRM, YOU TWO ARE PROFESSIONAL LIP READERS? >> YES, WE HAVE OVER 1,200 203 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:44,170 VIDEOS ON TIKTOK. >> AND HOW MANY FOLLOWERS? >> LESS. 204 00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:50,110 >> WELL, THAT IS FAB. LOVE THAT. MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY ANOTHER 205 00:21:50,110 --> 00:21:53,680 CLIP. >> THIS NEXT CONVERSATION IS TAYLOR AND TRAVIS ON THE STREET 206 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,515 IN NEW YORK. >> ROLL IT. >> IT'S AUTUMN. 207 00:21:55,515 --> 00:22:00,053 >> NO. IT'S WINTER. >> I'M WEARING A CARDIGAN AND A 208 00:22:00,053 --> 00:22:05,125 WANT A CUP OF TEA. >> BIG GUY. I'M A BIG GUY. 209 00:22:05,125 --> 00:22:12,432 STOMP, STOMP, CLOMP, STOMP. >> NORTH KOREA. >> IT'S CRAZY WE BOTH WORK AT 210 00:22:12,432 --> 00:22:15,835 FOOTBALL STADIUMS. >> YES. AND REMEMBER TO VOTE EARLY AND 211 00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:21,941 VOTE OFTEN. >> I LOVE YOU, TAYLOR! >> I LOVE YOU TOO, TAYLOR. 212 00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:25,745 >> WONDERFUL. I'M NOTICING THAT EVERY CLIP ENDS WITH LOVE YOU. 213 00:22:25,745 --> 00:22:29,082 >> YES. 100% OF SOME CONVERSATIONS END WITH LOVE YOU. 214 00:22:29,082 --> 00:22:33,620 >> SURE. BUT A LOT OF TIME YOU'RE TALKING, THEIR MOUTHS ARE NOT 215 00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:37,323 MOVING AT ALL. >> LIES! WATCH THIS. 216 00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:45,165 >> DON'T TELL ME NOT TO LIVE. JUST SIT AND PANIC. >> I THINK IT'S VERY CLEAR 217 00:22:45,165 --> 00:22:49,502 JENNIFER LAWRENCE WAS MOUTHING, IF I DON'T WIN, I'M LEAVING. >> WHY ARE YOU DOUBTING US? 218 00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:56,009 DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OUR DEEP BODY OF WORK? >> OUR LIP READINGS HOLD UP IN 219 00:22:56,009 --> 00:22:58,445 COURT. WE HAVE HAD PEOPLE PUT AWAY FOR LIFE? 220 00:22:58,445 --> 00:23:03,249 >> YOU HAVE? >> WE'LL SHOW YOU. WE NEED ASSISTANCE FROM OUR 221 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:08,254 LITTLE LESBIAN INTERN RENEE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> SORRY. 222 00:23:08,254 --> 00:23:12,659 YOUR INTERN IS RENEE RAPP? >> YEAH. I'VE BEEN GOING ABSOLUTELY OFF 223 00:23:12,659 --> 00:23:19,299 ON EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW LATELY, SO NOW I HAVE TO DO 40 HOURS OF COURT ORDERED MEDIA 224 00:23:19,299 --> 00:23:24,471 TRAINING. >> YOU READY LITTLE LESBIAN INTERN RENEE? 225 00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:29,175 >> YEAH. >> ROLL EVIDENCE ITEM 35 A. >> SO YOU DID THE MURDER, RIGHT? 226 00:23:29,175 --> 00:23:35,849 >> YEAH, I DID IT. >> YOU DID THE MURDER. >> YEAH, I TOTALLY DID WITH A 227 00:23:35,849 --> 00:23:41,888 BIG KNIFE. >> WHOA, ME WITH A KNIFE TOO. >> GOOP, GOOP, GOOP, LOVE YOU, 228 00:23:41,888 --> 00:23:47,494 BABY. >> LOVE YOU TOO. >> ALL RIGHT. 229 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:52,732 WELL, THIS HAS BEEN ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. ONE MORE THING BEFORE WE GO -- 230 00:23:54,300 --> 00:24:02,442 >> THEY SAID, LIFE'S CANDY AND THE SUN'S A BOWL OF BUTTER. 231 00:24:08,515 --> 00:24:13,586 DATE IDEA. >> I HAVE TO WARN YOU, I WON THE SILVER MEDAL ON THE MIDDLE 232 00:24:13,586 --> 00:24:17,390 SCHOOL BOWLING TEAM. >> YOU'RE JUST FULL OF SURPRISES, AREN'T YOU? 233 00:24:17,390 --> 00:24:26,132 LOOKS LIKE I'M UP FIRST. >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. 234 00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:32,706 NOT BAD. OH, HEY, LOOK, THEY GOT ONE OF THOSE FUN ANIMATIONS. 235 00:24:32,706 --> 00:24:47,620 >> SIX. >> AW, SO CUTE. FOUR MORE TO GO. 236 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:52,325 >> YOU DID IT. HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. >> YEAH. 237 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:57,330 >> SPARE. >> NOT BAD. NOT BAD. 238 00:24:57,330 --> 00:25:06,873 NOW IT'S THE PRO'S TURN. >> HUH. ARE THOSE TWO PINS SUPPOSED TO 239 00:25:06,873 --> 00:25:10,944 BE THAT FAR APART? >> HA-HA-HA. VERY FUNNY. 240 00:25:10,944 --> 00:25:17,884 LET'S WATCH THE VIDEO. >> JOHNNY, YOUR FATHER HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO TELL YOU. 241 00:25:17,884 --> 00:25:23,123 >> WHAT'S WRONG, GUYS? >> SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GETTING A DIVORCE. 242 00:25:23,123 --> 00:25:31,164 >> SPLIT. >> OH, THAT ONE WAS A LITTLE SERIOUS. 243 00:25:31,164 --> 00:25:41,975 ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE IF I CAN PICK THIS UP. >> UH-OH. 244 00:25:41,975 --> 00:25:48,081 THEY'RE GOING TO LET YOU HAVE IT WITH THIS ONE. >> EMMA, WHAT ARE THESE? 245 00:25:48,081 --> 00:25:53,987 >> THOSE AREN'T MY CIGARETTES, DAD. >> YOU LITTLE LIAR! 246 00:25:53,987 --> 00:25:59,893 NOW YOU NEED TO STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FIND YOU ONE DAY WITH A 247 00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:07,300 NEEDLE IN YOUR ARM SLUMPED OVER LIVING IN THE GOD DAMN -- >> GUTTER. 248 00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:13,039 >> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? >> I KNOW. A NEEDLE IN HER ARM? 249 00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:16,276 PRETTY GIRL LIKE THAT WOULD SHOOT BETWEEN HER TOES. >> THAT'S A FUN FACT. 250 00:26:16,276 --> 00:26:31,925 >> MY TURN. WHOO, STRIKE. AND OF COURSE IT'S A BASEBALL 251 00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:34,961 ONE. >> OH, STOP IT, PLEASE! >> YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON 252 00:26:34,961 --> 00:26:37,497 YOURSELF. >> YEAH. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL SUPPORT 253 00:26:37,497 --> 00:26:43,470 YOUR UNION BROTHERS WHEN WE GO ON -- >> STRIKE. 254 00:26:43,470 --> 00:26:48,908 >> SO CUTE. YOU KEEP PLAYING. I'LL JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE 255 00:26:48,908 --> 00:26:52,078 VIEW. >> OKAY. IF YOU SAY I SO. 256 00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:05,492 >> THANK YOU FOR COMING HERE TODAY ON SHORT NOTICE. MY NAME IS JOAN PASCAL. 257 00:27:05,492 --> 00:27:10,930 I'M A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATOR WITH THE FBI. LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND THE BODY OF 258 00:27:10,930 --> 00:27:20,507 A YOUNG WOMAN IN MUSGROVE PARK. FROM THE SAY TANNIC TOTEMS AT THE CRIME SCENE AND THE NATURE 259 00:27:20,507 --> 00:27:28,448 OF THE REALISTIC KILLING, WE FEEL CONFIDENT THIS IS THE WORK OF THE GROVE DALE KILLER, WHICH 260 00:27:28,448 --> 00:27:31,451 BRING THE TOTAL OF THE VICTIMS SO FAR TO -- >> NINE. 261 00:27:31,451 --> 00:27:43,463 >> GOD, THESE VIDEOS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. >> DUE TO THE CHILDHOOD INJURY 262 00:27:43,463 --> 00:27:49,669 THAT LEFT YOUR HUSBAND WITH AN IMPACTED TESTICLE, IT'S VERY UNLIKELY YOU'LL EVER HAVE 263 00:27:49,669 --> 00:27:55,809 CHILDREN. >> BUT I WANT A BABY. >> WE CAN'T HONEY BECAUSE MY -- 264 00:27:55,809 --> 00:27:59,579 >> STUCK BALL. >> HEY, MR. MAN, PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT, AND YOU MIGHT GET ONE OF 265 00:27:59,579 --> 00:28:07,721 THOSE TONIGHT. >> A STUCK BALL? LOOKS LIKE THEY GAVE ME AN EXTRA 266 00:28:07,721 --> 00:28:10,824 ROLL. LET'S JUST FINISH THE GAME ALREADY. 267 00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:14,694 GREAT. THAT PUTS ME OVER 100. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 268 00:28:14,694 --> 00:28:19,132 >> NO, WAIT. I WANT TO WATCH. >> BAD NEWS, KIDDO. 269 00:28:19,132 --> 00:28:23,536 WE HAVE A FLAT TIRE. THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN MAKE IT TO DISNEY WORLD. 270 00:28:23,536 --> 00:28:28,341 >> IT'S SPARE TIRE. JUST SAY SPARE TIRE. >> SHH, DON'T RUIN IT. 271 00:28:28,341 --> 00:28:32,278 >> IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY WE COULD FIX THIS TIRE. >> SPARE TIRE. 272 00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:38,051 JUST SAY IT SO WE CAN LEAVE. >> I'LL JUST LOOK IN THE TRUNK WHERE I ALWAYS LEAVE A ROAD MAP 273 00:28:38,051 --> 00:28:43,823 SO I CAN TELL THE AAA GUYS HOW TO GET HERE. >> JUST SAY SPARE TIRE, YOU 274 00:28:43,823 --> 00:28:48,094 STUPID PIN. >> HERE COMES THE TOW TRUCK. STEP BACK, LITTLE TIMMY, YOU 275 00:28:48,094 --> 00:28:50,864 HAVE YOUR -- >> FOOT ON THE LINE. NO POINTS. 276 00:28:50,864 --> 00:28:55,068 >> WHAT? MY FOOT WAS NOT ON THE LINE. >> SORRY, BABE. 277 00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:59,706 YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET ABOUT BOWLING. HOW ABOUT WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE 278 00:28:59,706 --> 00:29:05,478 AND JUST -- >> HAVE SEX. >> OH, WOW. 279 00:29:05,478 --> 00:29:10,417 >> OH, WOW. I CHANGED MY MIND. THIS BOWLING ALLY IS AWESOME. 280 00:29:22,796 --> 00:29:28,034 ALASKA AIRLINES FLIGHT HAD TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING AFTER A CABIN DOOR BROKE OFF. 281 00:29:28,034 --> 00:29:33,206 >> SAFETY IS OUR NUMBER ONE CONCERN. >> BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT IT 282 00:29:33,206 --> 00:29:36,810 LOOKED PRETTY COOL, PLANE FLYING AROUND, NO DOOR. >> EVERYONE'S SCREAMING, CELL 283 00:29:36,810 --> 00:29:40,180 PHONES WHIPPING OUT INTO THE SKY. IT WAS AWESOME. 284 00:29:40,180 --> 00:29:45,285 >> THAT'S WHY OUR NEW SLOGAN IS, ALASKA AIRLINES, YOU DIDN'T DIE AND YOU GOT A COOL STORY. 285 00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:50,623 >> ON OTHER AIRLINES, YOU CAN WATCH MOVIES, BUT ON ALASKA, YOU'RE IN THE MOVIE. 286 00:29:53,693 --> 00:29:59,366 >> AND IF YOU THINK ALASKA THE STATE IS COLD, JUST WAIT UNTIL OUR PLANE'S ROOF RIPS OFF. 287 00:29:59,366 --> 00:30:03,970 >> SINCE THE INCIDENT, WE'RE STARTING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES. >> YOU KNOW THOSE BOLTS THAT 288 00:30:03,970 --> 00:30:08,808 LIKE HOLD THE PLANE TOGETHER? WE'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND TIGHTEN SOME OF THOSE. 289 00:30:08,808 --> 00:30:14,581 >> WE'VE ALSO MADE A FEW SMALL UPDATES TO OUR IN-FLIGHT SAFETY BROCHURE. 290 00:30:14,581 --> 00:30:18,718 >> AND WE'LL NOW BE TAKING OFF WITH THE INFLATABLE SLIDE ALREADY DEPLOYED. 291 00:30:18,718 --> 00:30:25,258 >> PEOPLE ASK ME WHERE THE EMERGENCY EXITS ARE, AND I'M LIKE THERE, THERE, AND IN TEN 292 00:30:25,258 --> 00:30:30,930 MINUTES, PROBABLY THERE. >> YOU KNOW HOW HAWAIIAN AIRLINES ALWAYS GIVES OUT LAYS 293 00:30:30,930 --> 00:30:35,135 WHEN YOU LAND? WE'VE GOT OUR OWN VERSION. >> ARE WE IN CLEVELAND? 294 00:30:35,135 --> 00:30:39,706 >> CLOSE. THE PACIFIC OCEAN. >> TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SAFER, 295 00:30:39,706 --> 00:30:43,910 WE'VE HIRED SULLY OUT OF RETIREMENT. >> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT 296 00:30:43,910 --> 00:30:46,913 AGAIN. >> HE'S A LOT OLDER NOW. >> I WAS ON THAT FLIGHT. 297 00:30:46,913 --> 00:30:53,386 AT THE TIME, I WAS TERRIFIED, BUT NOW, I'M THE COOLEST PERSON AT THE OFFICE. 298 00:30:53,386 --> 00:30:57,424 EVERYONE'S STOPPING BY MY CUBICLE ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE BOY WHOSE SHIRT GOT 299 00:30:57,424 --> 00:31:04,097 SUCKED OUT THE PLANE. >> SOME AIRLINES GIVE YOU A LITTLE WING PIN WHEN YOU GET OFF 300 00:31:04,097 --> 00:31:08,168 THE PLANE, ALASKA GIVES YOU A COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO OF YOUR FLIGHT. 301 00:31:08,168 --> 00:31:12,339 >> SO FLY ALASKA. >> FLY ALASKA. >> WE'RE THE SAME AIRLINE WHERE 302 00:31:12,339 --> 00:31:20,413 A PILOT TRIED TO TURN OFF THE ENGINE MID FLIGHT WHILE ON MUSHROOMS, AND WE'RE PROUD TO 303 00:31:20,413 --> 00:31:21,815 ENGINE MID FLIGHT WHILE ON MUSHROOMS, AND WE'RE PROUD TO SAY THAT'S OUR SECOND WORST 304 00:31:35,328 --> 00:31:57,984 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * FIRST TO ARRIVE 305 00:31:57,984 --> 00:32:07,127 LAST TO LEAVE WHAT'S MISERY WITHOUT COMPANY? * 306 00:32:07,127 --> 00:32:16,269 * IT'S HARD TO LAUGH WHEN IT'S HARD TO BREATHE IT'S WHITE OUTSIDE 307 00:32:16,269 --> 00:32:22,208 BUT RED UNDERNEATH * * FEEL THE TIP OF MY NOSE IT'S BURNING 308 00:32:22,208 --> 00:32:29,215 BUT IT'S ICE COLD * * I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER 309 00:32:29,215 --> 00:32:39,993 IF IT KILLS ME * * I CAN MAKE IT FASTER IF I HURRY 310 00:32:39,993 --> 00:32:47,600 I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW UNTIL I'M WORTHY * * BUT IF IT KILLS ME 311 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:56,743 I TRIED IF IT KILLS ME * * SMILES HIDE 312 00:32:56,743 --> 00:33:06,386 WHAT SECRETS KEEP CAN'T TELL A LIE IF YOU NEVER SPEAK * 313 00:33:06,386 --> 00:33:15,562 * LOOK IN THE MIRROR SHE LOOKS LIKE ME BUT HALF ALIVE 314 00:33:15,562 --> 00:33:20,934 AND TWICE AS WEAK * * FEEL THE TIP OF MY NOSE IT'S BURNING 315 00:33:20,934 --> 00:33:28,508 BUT IT'S ICE COLD * * I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER 316 00:33:28,508 --> 00:33:38,184 IF IT KILLS ME * * I CAN MAKE IT FASTER IF I HURRY 317 00:33:38,184 --> 00:33:46,259 I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW UNTIL I'M WORTHY * * BUT IF IT KILLS ME 318 00:33:46,259 --> 00:33:57,103 I TRIED IF IT KILLS ME * * I TRIED SO HARD 319 00:33:57,103 --> 00:34:06,780 I CAME SO FAR I MET A BOY HE BROKE MY HEART * 320 00:34:06,780 --> 00:34:14,788 * I BLAME HIM 'CAUSE IT'S EASIER BUT I STILL LOOK 321 00:34:14,788 --> 00:34:24,397 FOR HIM IN HER * * THE SEASONS CHANGE ADDICTION'S STRANGE 322 00:34:24,397 --> 00:34:34,107 I LOVED BACK THEN WHAT I HATE TODAY * * I WISH I WENT 323 00:34:34,107 --> 00:34:43,216 A DIFFERENT WAY BUT IF I WENT BACK I WOULD DO THE SAME * 324 00:34:43,216 --> 00:34:50,757 * I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER IF IT BUT WHY DOES IT GO SLOWER 325 00:34:50,757 --> 00:35:05,271 WHEN I * * I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW UNTIL I'M WORTHY 326 00:35:05,271 --> 00:35:27,660 IF IT KILLS ME I TRIED OH IF IT KILLS ME I * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 327 00:35:32,298 --> 00:35:37,570 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. 328 00:35:37,570 --> 00:35:44,077 [ APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING EVERYONE. 329 00:35:44,077 --> 00:35:48,748 >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. 330 00:35:48,748 --> 00:35:55,321 WELL, GUYS, IT'S 2024, BUT IS IT? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN 331 00:35:55,321 --> 00:36:01,361 I THINK OF THE YEAR 2020, I NEVER THINK, WE SHOULD RUN THAT ONE BACK. 332 00:36:01,361 --> 00:36:05,665 AND IF YOU'RE FEELING CONFUSED, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE. AT A RALLY ON THURSDAY, 333 00:36:05,665 --> 00:36:10,170 PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID HE WAS MIXED UP WHEN HE CLAIMED HE HAD JUST TAKEN A PHOTO WITH A WOMAN 334 00:36:10,170 --> 00:36:15,575 WHO WASN'T THERE. HAD THEN THE NEXT DAY, DONALD TRUMP REPEATEDLY CONFUSED NIKKI 335 00:36:15,575 --> 00:36:19,612 HALEY WITH NANCY PELOSI. GUYS, I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD DO THIS ELECTION. 336 00:36:19,612 --> 00:36:24,384 IT'S HONESTLY STARTING TO FEEL LIKE ELDER ABUSE. I DON'T EVEN BLAME THEM. 337 00:36:24,384 --> 00:36:31,324 I BLAME US FOR ALLOWING IT. IT REMINDS ME OF THOSE BUM FIGHT VIDEOS WHERE THEY MADE TWO 338 00:36:31,324 --> 00:36:37,464 HOMELESS GUYS FIGHT FOR MONEY, AND NOW WE LOOK BACK ON IT LIKE HOW DID WE LET THAT HAPPEN. 339 00:36:37,464 --> 00:36:42,902 I THINK THE BEST SOLUTION IS TO TELL TRUMP AND BIDEN THEY BOTH WON AND THAT WE'RE VERY PROUD OF 340 00:36:42,902 --> 00:36:50,377 THEM. AND THAT THEY CAN REST NOW. >> IN MONDAY'S IOWA CAUCUSES, 341 00:36:50,377 --> 00:36:59,152 RON DeSANTIS BEAT OUT NIKKI HALEY FOR SECOND PLACE. THAT OUGHT TO PUT A WHATEVER 342 00:36:59,152 --> 00:37:04,257 THIS IS ON HIS FACE. SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP, BUT 343 00:37:04,257 --> 00:37:10,230 REMEMBER MOST TRUMP SUPPORTERS ONLY COUNT HIM AS 3/5 OF AN ENDORSEMENT. 344 00:37:10,230 --> 00:37:12,065 ONLY COUNT HIM AS 3/5 OF AN ENDORSEMENT. OH, BOY. 345 00:37:15,802 --> 00:37:22,042 TEMPERATURES IN IOWA TO VOTE FOR HIM SAYING EVEN IF YOU VOTE AND PASS AWAY, IT'S WORTH IT. 346 00:37:22,042 --> 00:37:30,750 VOTING FOR TRUMP AND PASSING AWAY IS ALSO WHAT HAPPENED WITH COVID. 347 00:37:32,218 --> 00:37:38,958 AFTER TRUMP WAS PHOTOGRAPHED WITH SOME STRANGE RED MARKS ON HIS HAND, SOME DERMATOLOGISTS 348 00:37:38,958 --> 00:37:44,798 SPECULATED IT COULD BE SOMETHING CALLED HAND HERPES. WHAT THE HELL IS HAND HERPES, 349 00:37:44,798 --> 00:37:51,071 SAID TIM SCOTT. >> JOHN KERRY ANNOUNCED HE IS STEPPING DOWN AS THE U.S. 350 00:37:51,071 --> 00:37:56,142 CLIMATE ENVOY AND IS EXPECTED TO FOCUS ON PRESIDENT BIDEN'S RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN, AND IT'S 351 00:37:56,142 --> 00:38:02,849 NOT A GOOD SIGN THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN IS BIGGER THAN CLIMATE CHANGE. 352 00:38:02,849 --> 00:38:08,688 NIKKI HALEY SAID AMERICA HAS, QUOTE, NEVER BEEN A RACIST COUNTRY BECAUSE IF AMERICANS 353 00:38:08,688 --> 00:38:13,593 COUNTRY BECAUSE IF AMERICANS WERE SO RACIST, WHY DID THEY HAVE SEX WITH THEIR SLAVES? 354 00:38:16,663 --> 00:38:18,298 I'M GOING TO SLEEP LIKE A BABY TONIGHT. I REALLY AM. 355 00:38:20,266 --> 00:38:25,405 OF NIKKI HALEY MADE UP TO LOOK LIKE HILLARY CLINTON, AND HONESTLY I COULDN'T TELL IF IT 356 00:38:25,405 --> 00:38:31,211 HONESTLY I COULDN'T TELL IF IT WAS BAD PHOTO SHOP OR A GOOD PICTURE OF MARK CUBAN IN A WIG. 357 00:38:35,515 --> 00:38:40,453 SURROGATE MOTHERHOOD, WHICH HE SAYS VIOLATES THE DIGNITY OF THE WOMAN AND THE CHILD. 358 00:38:40,453 --> 00:38:46,593 PLUS THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DOESN'T WANT EXTRA KIDS AROUND WHILE THEY'RE TRYING TO QUIT. 359 00:38:48,061 --> 00:38:53,566 >> LAST NIGHT AT A RALLY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT SURPRISED MANY 360 00:38:53,566 --> 00:38:56,469 POLITICAL EXPERTS BY ENDORSING DONALD TRUMP. HERE TO EXPLAIN IS SENATOR TIM 361 00:38:56,469 --> 00:39:02,876 SCOTT. [ APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO. 362 00:39:02,876 --> 00:39:09,115 IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, MICHAEL. AND GREAT TO ENDORSE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED 363 00:39:09,115 --> 00:39:13,420 STATES, DONALD J. TRUMP. >> WOW, YOU HAVE A VERY UNIQUE VOICE, SENATOR. 364 00:39:13,420 --> 00:39:18,358 >> I KNOW. MY VOICE IS LIKE IF BILL LYNNTON WAS ACTUALLY BLACK. 365 00:39:18,358 --> 00:39:25,031 I SOUND LIKE THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG. I SOUND LIKE IF FOREST GUMP WAS 366 00:39:25,031 --> 00:39:31,571 DOING AN IMPRESSION OF JA RULE. WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BABY. 367 00:39:31,571 --> 00:39:36,443 THAT'S AWESOME. >> A LOT OF FOLKS WERE SURPRISED THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE ENDORSED 368 00:39:36,443 --> 00:39:40,714 DONALD TRUMP? >> WHY? BECAUSE I'M BLACK? 369 00:39:40,714 --> 00:39:44,918 THAT'S VERY MISGUIDED. I DON'T SEE COLOR. WHEN I LOOKED AT ALL THE PEOPLE 370 00:39:44,918 --> 00:39:49,522 AT TRUMP'S RALLY, I DID NOT SEE A SINGLE COLOR. >> IT'S SURPRISING BECAUSE YOU 371 00:39:49,522 --> 00:39:55,095 TURNED ON NIKKI HALEY. SHE APPOINTED YOU TO BE SENATOR, AND NOW YOU'RE ENDORSING HER 372 00:39:55,095 --> 00:39:59,733 RIVAL? >> NIKKI AND I WILL ALWAYS BE CLOSE FRIENDS, BUT NICKY, OR AS 373 00:39:59,733 --> 00:40:04,004 MR. TRUMP TOLD ME TO CALL HER -- [ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE ] 374 00:40:04,004 --> 00:40:09,109 -- SHE MAY NOT EVEN BE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA OR EVEN AMERICA. >> SENATOR, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT 375 00:40:09,109 --> 00:40:12,979 TRUE. THOSE ARE JUST RACIST DOG WHISTLES. 376 00:40:12,979 --> 00:40:17,851 >> MICHAEL, THAT'S NOT A RACIST DOG WHISTLE. THIS IS. 377 00:40:17,851 --> 00:40:31,631 >> WHAT IS THAT NOISE? [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO 378 00:40:31,631 --> 00:40:36,703 THINK TRUMP IS ONLY USING YOU TO WIN THE BLACK VOTES? >> LOOK, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE 379 00:40:36,703 --> 00:40:40,340 BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME. ALL RIGHT? 380 00:40:40,340 --> 00:40:46,012 ONE TIME I SAID THE N WORD AT A BARBERSHOP, AND EVERYONE WENT, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 381 00:40:46,012 --> 00:40:53,486 SO WHEN MR. TRUMP ASKED ME TO CAMPAIGN FOR HIM IN INTERCITIES LIKE DETROIT AND PHILADELPHIA, I 382 00:40:53,486 --> 00:40:57,057 SAID WHY DON'T WE START IN NEW HAMPSHIRE? THOSE ARE MY PEOPLE. 383 00:40:57,057 --> 00:41:02,696 >> NOW THERE'S SPECULATION ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL FUTURE. IF TRUMP PICKS YOU TO BE HIS 384 00:41:02,696 --> 00:41:06,466 RUNNING MATE, WOULD YOU DO IT? >> ABSOLUTELY. I WOULD BE HONORED. 385 00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:10,303 >> REALLY? EVEN THOUGH HE HO TOLD A MOB TO >> HE DID WHAT? 386 00:41:10,303 --> 00:41:11,838 EVEN THOUGH HE HO TOLD A MOB TO >> HE DID WHAT? >> TIM SCOTT, EVERYBODY. 387 00:41:21,314 --> 00:41:27,854 IS WORTH OVER $1 MILLION WHILE THE AVERAGE 30-YEAR-OLD IS WORTH MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE. 388 00:41:27,854 --> 00:41:37,097 >> ELTON JOHN WON AN EMMY FOR HIS FAIR WELL CONCERT SPECIAL EARNING HIM A COVETED E.G.O.T., 389 00:41:37,097 --> 00:41:43,970 WHICH IS AN EMMY, A GRAMMY, AN OSCAR, AND A TONY. A NEW STARTUP COMPANY IS 390 00:41:43,970 --> 00:41:51,911 DEVELOPING A MALE CONTRACEPTIVE THAT INVOLVES ONE INJECTION THAT WILL PREVENT PREGNANCY FOR TEN 391 00:41:51,911 --> 00:41:55,949 YEARS, SO GET READY FOR AN EXCITING FUTURE OF TAKING THE MAN'S WORD FOR IT. 392 00:41:55,949 --> 00:42:03,223 HE LIKED THAT. GOOD JOKE. >> A VOLVO CRASHED THROUGH THE 393 00:42:03,223 --> 00:42:07,327 FRONT OF A WHOLE FOODS IN A MARYLAND SUBURB. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT TO WHITE THAT 394 00:42:07,327 --> 00:42:17,671 EVERYONE'S INSURANCE WENT DOWN. A PASSENGER ON SPIRIT AIRLINES WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE REPEATEDLY 395 00:42:17,671 --> 00:42:23,209 ASKED FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS TO JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB, EVEN THOUGH SPIRITS AIRPLANES CAN'T 396 00:42:23,209 --> 00:42:32,419 GET ABOVE 300 FEET. >> TESLA OWNERS ARE COMPLAINING THAT DURING THE SUB ZERO 397 00:42:32,419 --> 00:42:35,588 TEMPERATURES, THEY COULDN'T GET THEIR CARS TO CHARGE. ON THE PLUS SIDE, THEY WERE ABLE 398 00:42:35,588 --> 00:42:42,862 TO STAY WARM IN THE BATTERY FIRES. A MAN ON A PLANE IN INDIA WHO 399 00:42:42,862 --> 00:42:50,270 WAS TRAPPED IN THE BATHROOM FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT SAYS THE CREW SLIPPED HIM A PIECE OF PAPER 400 00:42:50,270 --> 00:42:54,507 READING DO NOT PANIC. THEN HE SLIPPED THEM A PIECE OF PAPER BACK READING MORE PAPER 401 00:42:54,507 --> 00:43:03,583 PLEASE. >> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT MEN ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN AT USING A 402 00:43:03,583 --> 00:43:07,787 MAP, WHILE WOMEN ARE BETTER AT SILENTLY SITTING FOR THE REST OF THE CAR RIDE AFTER YOU TELL THEM 403 00:43:07,787 --> 00:43:14,394 THAT. >> A NEW STUDY OF PREGNANT WOMEN FINDS THAT VAPING DOES NOT HARM 404 00:43:14,394 --> 00:43:23,837 THEIR BABIES AS LONG AS THEY'RE VERY CAREFUL SHOVING THE VAPE UP THERE. 405 00:43:23,837 --> 00:43:28,375 >> MY GOD. >> THAT'S THE STUDY. >> THAT'S THE STUDY. 406 00:43:28,375 --> 00:43:33,313 THAT'S A REAL STUDY. THIS WAS A NICE STORY OVER THE HOLIDAYS, NEARLY 20 DRIVERS ON 407 00:43:33,313 --> 00:43:39,753 THE STATEN ISLAND EXPRESSWAY WORKED TOGETHER TO SAVE A CHIHUAHUA NAMED BEAN THAT RAN ON 408 00:43:39,753 --> 00:43:46,593 TO THE ROAD, AND THEY BANDED TOGETHER AGAIN TO SEND BEAN BACK WHERE HE CAME FROM. 409 00:43:48,261 --> 00:43:53,333 >> RECENTLY, A VIDEO WENT VIRAL OF A DEFENDANT ATTACKING A JUDGE IN A LAS VEGAS COURTHOUSE. 410 00:43:53,333 --> 00:43:55,135 OF A DEFENDANT ATTACKING A JUDGE IN A LAS VEGAS COURTHOUSE. LET'S HAVE A LOOK. 411 00:44:03,176 --> 00:44:09,249 REDDEN. >> HOW YOU FEELING? WHAT'S HAPPENING? 412 00:44:09,249 --> 00:44:15,789 >> SO DEOBRE, WHAT COMPELLED YOU TO ATTACK THE JUDGE LIKE THAT? >> MAN, YOU ASKING THE WRONG 413 00:44:15,789 --> 00:44:20,360 QUESTIONS, CHE. YOU SHOULD BE ASKING HOW BECAUSE THEY AIN'T NO DAMN WAY SOMEBODY 414 00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:25,765 SHOULD BE ABLE TO ATTACK A JUDGE IN THE HER OWN DAMN COURTROOM. HOW HARD IS IT TO CATCH A GROWN 415 00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:31,304 MAN FLYING ACROSS THE COURT OF LAW, MAN? >> SO YOU TRYING TO SAY THIS IS 416 00:44:31,304 --> 00:44:35,408 NOT YOUR FAULT? >> WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM 417 00:44:35,408 --> 00:44:41,548 SHERIFFS NEED TO BE FIRED. PLAY THE CLIP AGAIN. IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, I FLY AT 418 00:44:41,548 --> 00:44:46,252 THE JUDGE -- GREAT FORM, MIGHT I ADD. WHAT Y'ALL DON'T SEE IS THE 419 00:44:46,252 --> 00:44:53,093 BAILIFF IS BEHIND ME RUBBING HIS HANDS ON HIS BELLY LIKE THIS STRAIGHT DAYDREAMING. 420 00:44:53,093 --> 00:44:56,629 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN. HOME BOY WAS THINKING ABOUT A SNACK. 421 00:44:56,629 --> 00:45:01,334 LET ME BREAK IT DOWN. WHILE I FLY THIS WAY, THE BAILIFF, HE RUN BEHIND ME, HE 422 00:45:01,334 --> 00:45:05,572 FALL DOWN. LOOK AT HIM, MAN. THAT'S TERRIBLE. 423 00:45:05,572 --> 00:45:10,176 MAN, PUT THE DUNKIN DOWN, PICK UP THE TASER, AND DO SOMETHING, MAN. 424 00:45:10,176 --> 00:45:14,447 I WAS IN THE AIR FOR LIKE FOUR, FIVE, SIX GOOD SECONDS. SHAME ON THEM. 425 00:45:14,447 --> 00:45:19,319 >> YOU DO HAVE A POINT. THAT WAS CRAZY. I DON'T THINK A JUDGE HAS EVER 426 00:45:19,319 --> 00:45:24,124 BEEN ATTACKED IN THEIR OWN COURTROOM BEFORE. >> EXACTLY. 427 00:45:24,124 --> 00:45:29,062 IT WAS CRAZY I MADE CONTACT. I WAS SHOCKED. WHY THIS JUDGE WASN'T BEHIND 428 00:45:29,062 --> 00:45:34,467 SOME GLASS, MAN. HOW IS THIS MY FAULT? I WAS BLUFFING. 429 00:45:34,467 --> 00:45:39,572 I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BOUNCE OFF SOME GLASS. >> WHAT GLASS? 430 00:45:39,572 --> 00:45:46,279 >> EVERYBODY GOT GLASS. CAB DRIVERS GOT CLASS, EVEN CVS SHAMPOO GOT SOME GLASS, MAN. 431 00:45:46,279 --> 00:45:54,220 AS I WAS RUNNING, I THOUGHT, MAN, THERE FOR SURE GOING TO BE SOME GLASS. 432 00:45:54,220 --> 00:45:59,225 YOU FEEL ME? >> DO YOU FEEL ANY REMORSE? >> OF COURSE I DO. 433 00:45:59,225 --> 00:46:07,300 I WAS TRYING TO SHAKE HER UP A BIT, AND WHEN I GOT CONTACT, I WAS LIKE, MAN. 434 00:46:07,300 --> 00:46:11,538 LOOK AT THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME BACK TO COURT, THEY 435 00:46:11,538 --> 00:46:15,508 PUT A MUZZLE ON ME, MAN? >> PROBABLY FOR EVERYBODY'S SAFETY. 436 00:46:15,508 --> 00:46:21,047 >> I DIDN'T BITE NOBODY. NOW THEY JUST GASSING IT. I DIDN'T DO NO MOUTH STUFF! 437 00:46:21,047 --> 00:46:25,151 >> YOUR SISTER SPOKE UP FOR YOU SAYING YOU WERE HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. 438 00:46:25,151 --> 00:46:28,488 WAS THAT TRUE? >> I BELIEVE THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE CASE, YES. 439 00:46:28,488 --> 00:46:39,666 MENTALLY, IT WAS A BREAKDOWN. BUT ATHLETICALLY, IT WAS GREAT, MAN. 440 00:46:39,666 --> 00:46:46,239 BUT I TELL YOU WHAT, NOW WHEN I GO TO THE COURT FOR THAT APPEAL, I BET Y'ALL THEY GOING TO HAVE 441 00:46:46,239 --> 00:46:52,078 SOME GLASS. >> THAT'S ENOUGH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 442 00:46:52,078 --> 00:46:55,081 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, For "Weekend Update," >> I'm Michael Che. 443 00:47:03,790 --> 00:47:09,562 MARRIAGE WAS SO TOXIC THAT AT ONE POINT, THE PRIEST WHO MARRIED US SAID TO ME PRIVATELY, 444 00:47:09,562 --> 00:47:15,435 I'M PRAYING THAT Y'ALL DIVORCE. BUT NOW I'M SOBER. AA SAVED OUR MARRIAGE. 445 00:47:15,435 --> 00:47:21,041 THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE. >> HI. SORRY. 446 00:47:21,041 --> 00:47:25,211 IS THIS AN AA MEETING? >> THIS IS A WOMEN'S MEETING, GUY. 447 00:47:25,211 --> 00:47:29,516 >> OH, MY BAD. THE DIRECTORY SAID THERE'S A MEETING IN ST. JOHN'S. 448 00:47:29,516 --> 00:47:34,354 >> DUDE, LOOK AT THE SIGN. WOMEN SUPPORTING WOMEN. >> OKAY. 449 00:47:34,354 --> 00:47:44,464 NO WORRIES. WELL, I'LL TELL THE JUDGE I TRIED. 450 00:47:44,464 --> 00:47:47,767 >> CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? I'M JUST REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE A GROUP OF WOMEN TO CONNECT 451 00:47:47,767 --> 00:47:49,235 WITH. >> I AGREE. I HATED AA UNTIL I FOUND GIRLS. 452 00:47:49,235 --> 00:47:56,543 >> MM. >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT. IS THIS AN AA MEETING? 453 00:47:56,543 --> 00:48:01,815 >> IT IS. MOVE. SIT HERE. 454 00:48:01,815 --> 00:48:05,185 SIT HERE. >> UH-HUH. YEAH. 455 00:48:05,185 --> 00:48:10,557 >> DO YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE GROUP? >> SURE. 456 00:48:10,557 --> 00:48:14,094 I GUESS. MY NAME IS JOSHUA, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. 457 00:48:14,094 --> 00:48:20,633 >> HI, JOSHUA. >> AND I'M SOBER FOR 78 DAYS NOW. 458 00:48:20,633 --> 00:48:24,404 >> GET IT. >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 459 00:48:24,404 --> 00:48:28,174 I APPRECIATE IT. YOU KNOW I'M GRATEFUL TO BE SOBER. 460 00:48:28,174 --> 00:48:34,147 IT'S JUST, WHEN I'M SOBER OFF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, I ACT OUT SEXUALLY WITH WOMEN. 461 00:48:34,147 --> 00:48:37,517 >> MM. >> OH, NO. >> THAT IS TOUGH STUFF. 462 00:48:37,517 --> 00:48:44,057 >> YOU GOT THIS, THOUGH. >> ONE DAY AT A TIME. >> BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW 463 00:48:44,057 --> 00:48:49,295 IF I'M REPLACING ONE DRUG WITH ANOTHER, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO GRAPHIC. 464 00:48:49,295 --> 00:48:52,265 >> PLEASE DO. BECAUSE I KNOW IT COULD HELP SOMEONE. 465 00:48:52,265 --> 00:48:57,771 FOR ME, HEARING A GRAPHIC STORY KEEPS ME OFF THE BOTTLE. >> MM HMM. 466 00:48:57,771 --> 00:49:02,208 >> I ABSOLUTELY RUN THROUGH WOMEN. MY APPETITE IS INSATIABLE. 467 00:49:02,208 --> 00:49:07,814 >> THAT IS SO SAD. AND IS THERE AN AGE CUTOFF OR A BODY TYPE YOU GO FOR? 468 00:49:07,814 --> 00:49:13,153 >> NO, IT'S ANY AND ALL TYPES. ALL OF THEM. >> MM. 469 00:49:13,153 --> 00:49:17,691 >> MM. >> I HOPE I'M NOT TRIGGERING ANYONE. 470 00:49:17,691 --> 00:49:22,062 IN FACT, NOW THAT I'M LOOKING AROUND, I FEEL LIKE I ONLY SEE WOMEN. 471 00:49:22,062 --> 00:49:25,398 >> WELL, USUALLY THERE'S MEN HERE, BUT THEY'RE ALL AT THE GAME. 472 00:49:25,398 --> 00:49:29,269 >> WHAT GAME? >> I DON'T KNOW. COMICON. 473 00:49:29,269 --> 00:49:35,208 BACK TO YOUR SOBRIETY. YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO ALL 474 00:49:35,208 --> 00:49:38,044 ETHNICITIES. >> YEAH. THE LONGER I STAY SOBER, THE 475 00:49:38,044 --> 00:49:43,950 MORE I ABSOLUTELY COMPULSIVELY ACT OUT WITH WOMEN. >> MM! 476 00:49:43,950 --> 00:49:51,057 >> HEY, HEY, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR SOBRIETY. 477 00:49:51,057 --> 00:49:57,397 DON'T BEAT YOURSELF OFF -- UP. >> I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. BESIDES, IT'S NOTHING COMPARED 478 00:49:57,397 --> 00:50:02,602 TO MY BEHAVIOR WHEN I WAS DRINKING. I WOULD ABSOLUTELY WEAR THOSE 479 00:50:02,602 --> 00:50:08,041 POOR WOMEN LIKE A GAS MASK. >> YOU KNOW, YOU COULD DRINK AGAIN. 480 00:50:08,041 --> 00:50:13,346 >> ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T A WOMEN'S MEETING? I MEAN, THAT SIGN SAYS WOMEN 481 00:50:13,346 --> 00:50:17,817 SUPPORTING WOMEN. >> IT'S PRINTED WRONG. IT SHOULD SAY WOMEN SUPPORTING 482 00:50:17,817 --> 00:50:23,423 WOMEN SUPPORTING YOU. >> SORRY. YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT 483 00:50:23,423 --> 00:50:27,260 GIVING WOMEN THE DICKING OF A LIFETIME? >> OH, RIGHT. 484 00:50:27,260 --> 00:50:32,999 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I WAS NEVER A BETTER LOVER THAN WHEN I WAS DRUNK. 485 00:50:32,999 --> 00:50:38,838 I WAS PASSIONATE AND WILD, AND IT WENT ALL NIGHT. >> MM, MM, MM. 486 00:50:38,838 --> 00:50:42,909 >> ALL IT TOOK WAS A COUPLE OF BEERS. >> OKAY. 487 00:50:42,909 --> 00:50:49,315 THIS IS WEIRD, BUT THERE ARE RANDOMLY TWO BEERS HERE. >> I'M GOING TO BE SUPER 488 00:50:49,315 --> 00:51:01,761 VULNERABLE WITH Y'ALL. I'M FEELING THE URGE TO ACT OUT. >> OH, THAT -- THAT IS TOTALLY 489 00:51:01,761 --> 00:51:09,836 NORMAL. I MEAN, HOW DO WE SUPPORT -- HOW DO WE BEST SUPPORT YOU RIGHT 490 00:51:09,836 --> 00:51:16,343 NOW? >> OH, YOUR TOP HAS FALLEN SLIGHTLY OPEN. 491 00:51:16,343 --> 00:51:21,581 >> HAS IT? I'M JUST OVERHEATED. I MEAN, MAYBE I'LL COOL DOWN IF 492 00:51:21,581 --> 00:51:31,891 I JUST BOUNCE. >> WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW! GUESS YOU CAN ONLY GET SOBRIETY 493 00:51:31,891 --> 00:51:37,497 GUESS YOU CAN ONLY GET SOBRIETY AROUND HERE IF YOU'RE HOT. >> GET OUT! 494 00:51:51,378 --> 00:51:55,115 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, RENEE RAPP! 495 00:51:59,119 --> 00:52:00,787 IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME OR SOMETHING * 496 00:52:00,787 --> 00:52:02,322 * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAME WITH HER BUT SHE MIGHT 497 00:52:02,322 --> 00:52:05,058 LEAVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GOTTA PAY 498 00:52:05,058 --> 00:52:08,395 FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE 499 00:52:08,395 --> 00:52:11,531 YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT 500 00:52:11,531 --> 00:52:14,234 YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * 501 00:52:14,234 --> 00:52:16,936 * WHERE SHE AT? WHAT SHE DOIN'? WHO SHE WITH 502 00:52:16,936 --> 00:52:19,639 AND WHERE SHE FROM? * * OH SHE'S THIS? SHE'S THAT? 503 00:52:19,639 --> 00:52:22,842 SHE'S A FLIGHT RISK ON THE RUN * * SHE'S BACK 504 00:52:22,842 --> 00:52:26,079 SHE'S BACK YEAH I'M BACK BITCH ARE YOU DONE? * 505 00:52:26,079 --> 00:52:33,086 * EXCUSE ME WHILE I BITE MY TONGUE* * I'M BACK ON THAT SAME -- 506 00:52:33,086 --> 00:52:38,425 FROM BEFORE I CAN'T TAKE THIS PETTINESS NOW I'M BORED * 507 00:52:38,425 --> 00:52:42,696 * WE CAN SHARE BABE THERE'S ENOUGH FOR US ALL * * TOLD YOU WHO I AM 508 00:52:42,696 --> 00:52:45,932 AND WHAT IT IS THAT'S NOT MY FAULT * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT 509 00:52:45,932 --> 00:52:48,601 YOU CAME WITH HER BUT SHE MIGHT LEAVE WITH ME * 510 00:52:48,601 --> 00:52:52,906 * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * 511 00:52:52,906 --> 00:52:55,108 * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE 512 00:52:55,108 --> 00:52:58,812 IN LOVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME 513 00:52:58,812 --> 00:53:01,514 YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * * GET HER NUMBER 514 00:53:01,514 --> 00:53:04,751 GET HER NAME GET A GOOD THING WHILE YOU CAN * 515 00:53:04,751 --> 00:53:06,920 * KISS A BLONDE KISS A FRIEND CAN A GAY GIRL 516 00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:13,893 GET AN AMEN? * * I'M BACK ON THAT SAME -- FROM BEFORE 517 00:53:13,893 --> 00:53:18,198 I CAN'T TAKE THIS PETTINESS NOW I'M BORED * * WE CAN SHARE BABE 518 00:53:18,198 --> 00:53:23,069 THERE'S ENOUGH FOR US ALL * * TOLD YOU WHO I AM AND WHAT IT IS 519 00:53:23,069 --> 00:53:26,239 THAT'S NOT MY FAULT * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAME WITH HER 520 00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:28,942 BUT SHE MIGHT LEAVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT 521 00:53:28,942 --> 00:53:32,712 YOU GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT 522 00:53:32,712 --> 00:53:35,382 YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * 523 00:53:35,382 --> 00:53:38,618 * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME YOU'RE LIKE 524 00:53:38,618 --> 00:53:41,821 IN LOVE WITH ME * * I MEAN WHO WOULDN'T WANNA BE IN LOVE WITH ME? * 525 00:53:41,821 --> 00:53:43,990 * I'M A MOOD BORIN' GIRLS GOTTA PINTEREST ME * 526 00:53:43,990 --> 00:53:45,592 * I'M A STALLION BUT THEY COMIN' FOR ME LIKE TROJAN * 527 00:53:45,592 --> 00:53:48,828 * AND IT WOULDN'T BE ME IF I AIN'T CAUSE COMMOTION * * I'M SO BAD 528 00:53:48,828 --> 00:53:52,098 DUDES THOUGHT I WAS A.I. BALLIN' LIKE EIGHT AH * * STICK TO THE -- 529 00:53:52,098 --> 00:53:54,768 LIKE A STAPLER STACK LIKE JENGA * * ANY -- GET STROKED 530 00:53:54,768 --> 00:53:56,870 LIKE A PAINTER * * IT'S FUNNY HOW THE MEAN GIRL 531 00:53:56,870 --> 00:53:58,471 OPEN ALL THE DOORS * * I BEEN TOLD Y'ALL I'M THE BLACK 532 00:53:58,471 --> 00:54:02,742 REGINA GEORGE * * YOU WAS HATIN' BACK THEN NOW YOU FINNA HATE MORE 533 00:54:02,742 --> 00:54:09,182 I GOT INFLUENCE I RUN -- * * 'CAUSE I WOKE UP HOTTER 534 00:54:09,182 --> 00:54:13,486 THAN I WAS YESTERDAY * * DON'T CARE ABOUT NO RULES 'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET MY WAY 535 00:54:13,486 --> 00:54:16,222 HEY HEY * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAME WITH HER 536 00:54:16,222 --> 00:54:19,426 BUT SHE MIGHT LEAVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT 537 00:54:19,426 --> 00:54:23,196 YOU GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT 538 00:54:23,196 --> 00:54:25,899 YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * 539 00:54:25,899 --> 00:54:28,568 * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME YOU'RE LIKE 540 00:54:28,568 --> 00:54:36,242 IN LOVE WITH ME * >> WHAT'S UP "SNL"? >> GIVE IT UP FOR MEGAN THEE 541 00:54:36,242 --> 00:54:46,386 >> GIVE IT UP FOR MEGAN THEE STALLION! * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE 542 00:55:01,301 --> 00:55:07,140 STUDENTS IN AN ACTING CLASS. YOU ARE A HO AND A PIMP ON SKID ROW. 543 00:55:07,140 --> 00:55:11,711 GO. >> THE HELL IS THIS, BITCH? A WHOLE NIGHT OF HO'ing, AND ALL 544 00:55:11,711 --> 00:55:17,517 YOU BRING ME IS $150. >> I TOLD YOU ONE OF FUZZY'S HOES ROBBED ME, DADDY. 545 00:55:17,517 --> 00:55:23,256 >> STOP THE SCENE! I DIDN'T BELIEVE A WORD OF THAT. YOU TWO ALWAYS COME OFF AS TWO 546 00:55:23,256 --> 00:55:28,061 WHITE PEOPLE FROM GOOD HOMES. >> I FELT THAT. >> I FELT THAT. 547 00:55:28,061 --> 00:55:31,498 THANK YOU. >> WE ALL HAVE CHALLENGED TO OVERCOME ON THE ROAD OF SUCCESS. 548 00:55:31,498 --> 00:55:35,435 FOR RANDALL, IT'S HIS UNAPPEALING BODY. >> OKAY. 549 00:55:35,435 --> 00:55:39,205 >> FOR LAURA, IT'S A LACK OF TALENT. >> I KNOW. 550 00:55:39,205 --> 00:55:46,646 I'M WORKING ON IT. >> AND OF COURSE FOR NATALIE, IT'S THAT SHE LOOKS STRIKINGLY 551 00:55:46,646 --> 00:55:52,252 LIKE RACHEL McADAMS. >> YEAH. I KEEP HEARING THAT, WHICH IS 552 00:55:52,252 --> 00:56:00,060 KIND OF ANNOYING BECAUSE I'M JUST NOT REALLY A FAN. >> WELL, SHE'S A FAMOUS ACTRESS, 553 00:56:00,060 --> 00:56:03,029 SO IT MIGHT BE HARD GETTING CAST IN THINGS. >> YEAH. 554 00:56:03,029 --> 00:56:12,605 WELL, I THINK THERE'S ROOM IN HOLLYWOOD FOR RACHEL McADAMS AND NATALIE PARTMAN. 555 00:56:12,605 --> 00:56:17,243 >> YES. I MIGHT ALSO CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO SOMETHING THAT 556 00:56:17,243 --> 00:56:20,547 DOESN'T SOUND LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN. OH, HE'S HERE. 557 00:56:20,547 --> 00:56:25,852 I HAVE A SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU. SINCE YOU ALL ASPIRE TO BE 558 00:56:25,852 --> 00:56:37,130 WORKING ACTORS, WHO BETTER TO GIVE ADVICE THAN A VERY FAMOUS ACTOR, MR. TREVOR! 559 00:56:37,130 --> 00:56:42,635 >> THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. >> I'M VERY EXCITED FOR YOU TO HEAR FIRSTHAND HOW HARD ACTORS 560 00:56:42,635 --> 00:56:47,073 MUST WORK TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS. I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE QUESTIONS. ASK AWAY. 561 00:56:47,073 --> 00:56:52,846 >> SO, YEAH, YOU'RE AWESOME. >> OH, THANKS, MAN. THAT MEANS THE WORLD. 562 00:56:52,846 --> 00:56:59,085 THANK YOU. >> SO I'M LIKE THREE YEARS INTO THE AUDITIONING GRIND, AND THE 563 00:56:59,085 --> 00:57:03,089 NEEDLE HAS NOT MOVED FOR ME AT ALL. I'M CURIOUS HOW LONG DID IT TAKE 564 00:57:03,089 --> 00:57:09,262 FOR YOU TO GET YOUR FIRST, LIKE, BIG BREAK? >> WELL, I FLEW TO LA TO GIVE 565 00:57:09,262 --> 00:57:15,301 THE WHOLE HOLLYWOOD THING A SHOT, AND AS I WALKED OFF THE PLANE, SELENA GOMEZ CAME UP TO 566 00:57:15,301 --> 00:57:20,874 ME, SAID I WAS GORGEOUS, AND ASKED ME TO PLAY HER BOYFRIEND IN A MUSIC VIDEO, AND THAT LED 567 00:57:20,874 --> 00:57:25,712 TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING. >> OKAY. SO THE MOMENT YOU STEPPED IN LA, 568 00:57:25,712 --> 00:57:29,182 YOU GOT YOUR BIG BREAK? COOL. >> YEAH. 569 00:57:29,182 --> 00:57:33,420 AND IT WAS ALL THANKS TO SELENA GOMEZ. ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART BY THE WAY. 570 00:57:33,420 --> 00:57:38,058 >> OH, YEA. I'M SO GLAD. I LOVE HER. 571 00:57:38,058 --> 00:57:44,464 >> HI. SO I'VE BEEN AUDITIONING FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS, AND I'VE GOT 572 00:57:44,464 --> 00:57:48,568 NOTHING. MY AGENT ACTUALLY TOLD ME IT'S TIME TO CONSIDER PORN. 573 00:57:48,568 --> 00:57:58,945 SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE REJECTION? >> I FEEL SO DUMB RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT 574 00:57:58,945 --> 00:58:02,315 WORD. I'M NOT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. IS IT LIKE A SLANG? 575 00:58:02,315 --> 00:58:07,220 >> OH, NO. REJECTION IS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE A PART OF THE HUMAN 576 00:58:07,220 --> 00:58:08,822 CONDITION. >> YEAH. IT'S LIKE WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T 577 00:58:08,822 --> 00:58:13,093 WANT YOU FOR SOMETHING. >> OH, NO. NO. 578 00:58:13,093 --> 00:58:19,065 THAT'S SO SAD. YEAH. REALLY, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING 579 00:58:19,065 --> 00:58:24,738 ABOUT THAT. >> HI. I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOURS. 580 00:58:24,738 --> 00:58:32,679 >> ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M A FAN OF YOURS. "SPOTLIGHT", THAT'S AMAZING. 581 00:58:32,679 --> 00:58:38,918 >> NO. I'M NOT RACHEL McADAMS. I'M NATALIE PARTMAN. 582 00:58:38,918 --> 00:58:46,693 SO ANYWAY, TO MAKE MONEY, I STARTED AN ONLYFANS, AND I WAS SUED BY RACHEL McADAMS, WHO 583 00:58:46,693 --> 00:58:53,967 ACCUSED ME OF BEING A DEEP FAKE HER, SO, ANYWAY, WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR SOMEONE WHO LOOKS 584 00:58:53,967 --> 00:58:59,406 LIKE A FAMOUS PERSON? >> I MEAN, ARE YOU A BETTER ACTRESS THAN RACHEL McADAMS? 585 00:58:59,406 --> 00:59:02,709 >> I'LL ANSWER THAT. NO. >> OKAY. 586 00:59:02,709 --> 00:59:08,648 THEN I WOULD SAY GIVE UP AND STOP PURSUING A FILM CAREER. >> GOT IT. 587 00:59:08,648 --> 00:59:15,188 SO I'LL FOCUS ON TV. NAMASTE. >> OKAY. 588 00:59:15,188 --> 00:59:20,827 HI, TREVIS. I'M FAN BOYING OUT RIGHT NOW. DON'T BE WEIRD. 589 00:59:20,827 --> 00:59:25,832 DO YOU HAVE ANY, LIKE, AUDITION HACKS? >> I'M SORRY. 590 00:59:25,832 --> 00:59:28,501 I KEEP HEARING THIS WORD, AUDITION. SORRY. 591 00:59:28,501 --> 00:59:32,872 WHAT IS THAT? >> IT'S WHERE YOU TRY OUT FOR A PART. 592 00:59:32,872 --> 00:59:38,078 >> OH, MY GOD. THEY MAKE YOU DO THAT? DUDE, I DON'T THINK THAT'S 593 00:59:38,078 --> 00:59:43,116 ALLOWED. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, AS FAR AS I KNOW, THE WAY YOU GET CAST IN A 594 00:59:43,116 --> 00:59:48,655 MOVIE IS THE DIRECTOR ASKS YOU TO BE IN IT. >> OH, WOW, THAT SOUNDS SO MUCH 595 00:59:48,655 --> 00:59:52,592 EASIER THAN AUDITIONING. YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT ACTOR. DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAINING? 596 00:59:52,592 --> 00:59:57,330 >> NO. I JUST DID IT, AND I WAS REALLY GOOD. 597 00:59:57,330 --> 00:59:59,099 >> AWESOME. AWESOME. I'M DEPRESSED NOW. 598 00:59:59,099 --> 01:00:06,940 THANK YOU. >> WELL, TREVIS ONLY PROMISED US A FEW MINUTES, SO HE NEEDS TO 599 01:00:06,940 --> 01:00:10,143 GO. >> LISTEN, THANKS, EVERYBODY. I ADMIRE ALL OF YOU. 600 01:00:10,143 --> 01:00:16,216 KEEP FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS, AND I KNOW Y'ALL ARE GOING TO BEAT YOUR ILLNESS. 601 01:00:16,216 --> 01:00:23,890 ONE LOVE. >> DID HE THINK THIS WAS LIKE A MAKE A WISH THING? 602 01:00:23,890 --> 01:00:27,994 >> HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN HIM HERE? OKAY. 603 01:00:27,994 --> 01:00:31,664 NATALIE, LET'S SEE YOUR MONOLOGUE. WHAT'S IT FROM? 604 01:00:31,664 --> 01:00:39,606 >> "THE NOTEBOOK." >> WHY CHOOSE THAT? WHY? 605 01:00:44,778 --> 01:00:50,950 >>> WHEN I'M WITH YOU, BRIAN, THE PAST MELTS AWAY. BUT BEFORE I MET YOU, I HAD TO 606 01:00:50,950 --> 01:00:57,824 KISS A LOT OF FROGS. AND BY THAT, I MEAN I USED ALL THE APPS. 607 01:00:57,824 --> 01:01:02,796 BUT SERIOUSLY, SOME OF THOSE GUYS ON THOSE DATING APPS ARE THE WORST. 608 01:01:02,796 --> 01:01:11,271 BUT WHEN I MET YOU SIX YEARS AGO, I KNEW I HAD FOUND THE ONE. >> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. 609 01:01:11,271 --> 01:01:17,243 >> BEAUTIFUL VOWS, JILL. NOW, SHOULD ANYONE PRESENT KNOW OF ANY REASON THAT THIS COUPLE 610 01:01:17,243 --> 01:01:29,723 SHOULD NOT BE JOINED IN HOLY MATRIMONY, SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE. 611 01:01:29,723 --> 01:01:32,692 >> HEY. EXCUSE ME. LIKE OBJECTION, I GUESS. 612 01:01:32,692 --> 01:01:37,464 >> I'M SORRY. WHO ARE YOU? >> I'M GARRETT FROM HINGE. 613 01:01:37,464 --> 01:01:43,837 AKA, THE GUY WHO JUST RANDOMLY CAUGHT A STRAY IN YOUR WEDDING VOWS. 614 01:01:43,837 --> 01:01:51,711 I GUESS CONGRATS ON GETTING MARRIED TO LIKE A POINTY LEONARDO DiCAPRIO. 615 01:01:51,711 --> 01:01:56,282 >> YEAH. I -- OH, MY GOD. I REMEMBER YOU. 616 01:01:56,282 --> 01:02:02,689 YES, WE WENT ON A HINGE DATE, AND YOU KEPT SAYING I HAD HUFFLEPUFF VIBES, BUT THE ASS OF 617 01:02:02,689 --> 01:02:06,059 A SLYTHERIN. >> YEAH. THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT. 618 01:02:06,059 --> 01:02:08,928 >> LOOK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEAVE? >> FINE. 619 01:02:08,928 --> 01:02:14,601 I'LL JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM, AND WHEN I COME BACK, WE CAN FIGURE ALL THIS OUT. 620 01:02:14,601 --> 01:02:20,106 >> FIGURE WHAT OUT? HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS WEDDING? 621 01:02:20,106 --> 01:02:27,914 >> MAYBE BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND IS THE ORGANIST HERE? GARRETT, I KNOW YOUR FEELINGS 622 01:02:27,914 --> 01:02:30,884 ARE HURT, AND THAT'S REALLY HARD. BUT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT 623 01:02:30,884 --> 01:02:40,093 KILL THEM. ALL RIGHT. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, YOU GUYS, 624 01:02:40,093 --> 01:02:44,564 AND IT'S EITHER ME OR HIM. >> IT'S HIM. AND PLEASE STOP STANDING LIKE 625 01:02:44,564 --> 01:02:49,769 YOUR SHIRT. >> THIS SUCKS. WHATEVER. 626 01:02:49,769 --> 01:02:59,245 I'M NOT EVEN ON HINGE ANYMORE. NOT AFTER I GOT ACCEPTED TO RAYA, AFTER I WENT VIRAL FOR 627 01:02:59,245 --> 01:03:04,117 SCREAMING ON AN AIRPLANE. AND, YES, I MATCHED WITH THE 628 01:03:04,117 --> 01:03:07,954 RACHEL DOLISOL. >> I'M SO SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING. 629 01:03:07,954 --> 01:03:14,160 >> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BABE. >> OH, BRIAN. SORRY, THAT WAS MY STEWIE 630 01:03:14,160 --> 01:03:17,764 GRIFFIN IMPRESSION. >> GARRETT, THAT WAS ACTUALLY AN AMAZING IMPRESSION. 631 01:03:17,764 --> 01:03:21,868 YOU KNOW, I DO A PRETTY GOOD LOIS MYSELF. >> LET'S HEAR IT. 632 01:03:21,868 --> 01:03:25,872 >> PETER! >> IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN THE ROOM WITH ME. 633 01:03:25,872 --> 01:03:33,446 >> IT'S TIME FOR BED, STEWIE! >> YOU VILE WOMAN. >> AND I'M CLEVELAND BROWN. 634 01:03:33,446 --> 01:03:40,320 >> WHAT IS HAPPENING? BRIAN, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS! >> RIDICULOUS? 635 01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:43,656 WOW. NOW SHE'S GIVING HER MAN LIP ON HIS WEDDING DAY. 636 01:03:43,656 --> 01:03:50,964 YOU KNOW, THAT NASTY LITTLE YUM NOTHING ATTITUDE IS EXACTLY WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOUR SORRY ASS. 637 01:03:50,964 --> 01:03:55,201 >> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. ME AND GARRETT ARE GOING TO GO 638 01:03:55,201 --> 01:03:59,105 TO THE BATHROOM AND WE CAN FIGURE ALL THIS OUT. >> WHAT? 639 01:03:59,105 --> 01:04:08,048 BRIAN, NO! >> I KNOW IT'S HARD, BRIAN. I KNOW SHE HURT YOUR FEELINGS, 640 01:04:08,048 --> 01:04:11,584 BUT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT KILL HER. >> BUT I REALLY WANT TO. 641 01:04:11,584 --> 01:04:17,657 >> I KNOW. IT'S SO TEMPTING. WHY DID I BRING MY BOOK OF 642 01:04:17,657 --> 01:04:22,295 SPELLS? >> GOSH, AND I REALLY WISH I DIDN'T BRING MY KILLING WAND. 643 01:04:22,295 --> 01:04:27,400 >> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS GETTING REALLY TOXIC FOR ME. I JUST NEED TO REMOVE MYSELF 644 01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:36,710 FROM THE SITUATION. GOOD-BYE, BRIAN. >> GOOD-BYE, GARRETT. 645 01:04:36,710 --> 01:04:48,188 WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGEL? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 646 01:04:58,765 --> 01:05:05,638 >>> THANKS TO RENEE RAPP, MEGAN THEE STALLION, AND RACHEL McADAMS! 647 01:05:05,638 --> 01:05:10,610 THANK YOU LORNE, THANK YOU TO ALL THE PERSONNEL. AND THANK YOU ALL. 648 01:05:10,610 --> 01:05:15,248 AND THANK YOU ALL. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.