[ APPLAUSE ] >>> OKAY.
OKAY. EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN.
MY NAME IS ALINA HABBA. I'M THE ATTORNEY FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP IN THE SECOND DEFAMATION
TRIAL OF E. JEAN CARROLL. THE JUDGE HAS BEEN VERY UNFAIR FROM THE BEGINNING, AND I WANT
TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR, I AM NEW AT THIS, AND I AM LEARNING.
NOW, THE PRESIDENT MAY OR MAY NOT STOP FOR BRIEF REMARKS, BUT DUE TO A STRICT GAG ORDER, HE
WILL NOT BE COMMENTING ON ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS CASE, MS. CARROLL, OR THE JUDGE.
>> THANK YOU, ALINA. YOU'RE GREAT ON TV. MAYBE THE WORST LAWYER I'VE EVER
HAD, WHICH IS QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. LOOK AT THIS TEAM.
THIS IS THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, FOLKS. THIS IS WHO SAID YES.
I'M IN THE LEAD FOR PRESIDENT, AND THIS IS THE BEST I CAN GET. FEELS LIKE A RED FLAG, NO?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID BY THE WAY. YOU KNOW THAT?
OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, GUYS. SEE YOU AT SHAKY'S. YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT WE ARE HERE AT COURTHOUSE, AND, YES, WE WILL BE ABIDING BY THIS HORRIBLE GAG ORDER, SO I
WILL NOT BE SAYING THAT THE JUDGE IS AN IDIOT OR WHERE HE LIVES OR WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY CAR
HE DRIVES. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STILL MADE WAGONEERS, BUT IT'S A TERRIBLE
TIME FOR OUR COUNTRY. I AM STANDING WEIRDER THAN EVER. ARMS LIKE A GI JOE, LEGS LIKE
THE SMOOTH CRIMINAL VIDEO. LOOK LIKE I'M ALWAYS IN SKI BOOTS.
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. WE JUST GOT BACK FROM IOWA WHERE WE WON VERY BIG, VERY BIG IN
IOWA. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE MR. DeSANTIS ON A TRULY
EMBARRASSING SHOWING. HE WENT TO 99 COUNTIES, BUT BITCH COULDN'T WIN ONE.
RON DESTUPID. RON DESTUPID. IT JUST WORKS.
WE'RE GOING WITH RON DESTUPID. ALSO WANT TO CONGRATULATE MR. RAMASWAMY.
VIVEKAA. RAMASWAMY WHO DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE AND HAS AGREED TO LIVE IN MY SUIT POCKET.
I LOVE MY LITTLE RATATOUILLE. AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM DOING VERY WELL COGNITIVELY.
DOING GREAT WITH COGNITIVE. I'M MORE COGNITIVE THAN EVER. THE DOCTOR SAID, SIR, YOU HAVE
TO BE IN THE TOP 99% OF ALL THE CON THE CUSHION AND DEMENTIA PEOPLE WE GIVE THIS TEST TO.
I SAID, WELL, I GUESS I'M VERY GOOD AT RECOGNIZING ELEPHANTS. WHO KNEW.
AND NOW WE'RE HERE. AND THIS IS THE CAMPAIGN, FOLKS. THIS IS ALL THERE IS, ME YELLING
IN COURTHOUSE LOBBY STANDING BEHIND BARRICADE LIKE AFAMILY AT JFK PICKUP.
BUT NEXT IS NEW HAMPSHIRE AGAINST NIKKI HALEY. NIKKI, NIKKI, SHE THOUGHT I WAS
DONE, BUT I'M BACK IN A BIG WAY. I'M BACK LIKE "MEAN GIRLS." YEAH, WE LOVE "MEAN GIRLS."
WHERE'S LACY? LET OUT OF REMAKE. SO SAD.
YOU KNOW HER FATHER DID TOASTER STRUDLE. BUT SHE'S DOING GREAT THINGS IN
TERMS OF HALLMARK MOVIES, STAYING BUSY. JUST LIKE ME, IT'S IMPORTANT TO
HAVE HOBBIES. BIDEN HAS FALLING DOWN. I HAVE MY MINITRIALS.
I LOVE BEING ON TRIAL. BUT BIDEN'S VERY CREEPY. HE SNIFFS LITTLE GIRLS' HAIR.
I AM DIFFERENT OF COURSE. I DO FAR WORSE THAN THAT. YOU EVER SEE THAT VIDEO OF ME
DANCING WITH EPSTEIN? BOY IS THIS SOME DARK ENERGY. CLAPPING OFF BEAT.
I GOT THE EUGENE LEVY EYEBROWS. VERY STRANGE. I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF THE
THAT FOOTAGE WAS FAKE. OF COURSE IT'S VERY REAL. BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK IN MANY
WAYS IT COULD NOT BE. WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF SUCCESS WITH SAYING THINGS THAT DID NOT
HAPPEN. I THINK WE'LL CONTINUE TO DO THAT.
IT'S AN INNOVATION I'M PARTICULARLY PROUD OF. SEEMS TO BE WORKING VERY WELL.
BUT I LOVE THIS COUNTRY AND ITS TRADITIONS. THAT'S WHY I'M NOT DOING ANY
DEBATES AND BARELY DOING ELECTION. I DON'T NEED TO.
MY PEOPLE LOVE ME. I GOT THE OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE WAITING IN SNOW FOR TWO
HOURS TO VOTE FOR TRUMP. OH, DARLING, I'M DYING. I GOT TO DO ONE LAST THING.
I GOT TO VOTE FOR TRUMP. WE JUST NEED THEM TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL NOVEMBER.
STAY ALIVE UNTIL NOVEMBER. JUST PULL THAT LEVER AND DROP DEAD.
WHY? BECAUSE I AM SENT BY GOD, AND GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME OR
WHATEVER. I DON'T KNOW. BUT 2024 IS GOING TO BE A VERY
EXCITING YEAR. I'M EITHER GOING TO JAIL, BE PRESIDENT, OR FRANKLY, THE
PURGE. PERHAPS ALL THREE. LET'S SPIN THE CHAMBER.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- RENEE RAPP. AND YOUR HOST -- JACOB ELORDI.
ELORDI! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS SO EXCITING TO BE HERE HOSTING THE FIRST AND SO FAR
BEST SHOW OF 2024. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO YOU MIGHT KNOW ME FROM
"SALTBURN." NOT FROM -- THANKS. NOT FROM SEEING THE FILM, JUST
FROM SEEING THE TIKTOKS. LIKE THIS SCENE. YEAH.
I WAS THE ONE IN THE GRAVE. BUT IF YOU SAW THE MOVIE, THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IF YOU SAW THE MOVIE WITH YOUR PARENTS, I'M SORRY.
AND IF YOU SAY YOU THE MOVIE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU'RE WELCOME.
ANYWAY, I'M NOT MUCH OF A PUBLIC SPEAKER, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD OPEN IT UP TO SOME QUESTIONS
FROM THE AUDIENCE. YES, YOU? >> HI, BABY GIRL.
LOVED YOU IN PRISCILLA. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE IMPRESSION OF ELVIS?
YOUNG ELVIS OR OLD ELVIS? >> IT'S PROBABLY "LILO AND STITCH" ELVIS, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. NEXT QUESTION. YOU?
>> HI. NO QUESTION. JUST WANT TO LOOK AT YOU.
>> ARE YOU DONE? >> NOT YET. ALMOST.
>> OKAY. >> DONE. >> WHO ELSE HAS A QUESTION?
YES, YOU. >> OKAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO, NO! MY GOD, I THOUGHT I WOULD GET BETTER APPLAUSE THAN THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NO. ANYWAY, JUST WANTED TO SAY I SAW
YOUR MOVIE, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS ABSOLUTELY GROSS. >> RIGHT.
YEAH. WELL, "SALTBURN" REALLY ISN'T FOR EVERYONE.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS A SALT BURN? I'M TALKING ABOUT "THE KISSING BOOTH."
TWO PEOPLE KISSING ON THE MOUTH? BLAH. >> KISSING IS KIND OF WEIRD WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT IT. CAN YOU NAME ONE OTHER ANIMAL THAT KISSES?
>> EXCUSE ME, SIR. I BELIEVE I CAN NAME AN ANIMAL THAT KISSES.
>> YOU CAN? >> YES. THE NOBLE ELEPHANT WILL
SOMETIMES PUT ITS TRUNK INTO ITS LOVER'S MOUTH. >> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
>> LET'S JUST SAY I OWN AN ELEPHANT, AND I OPEN MY MOUTH A LOT.
>> OKAY. I HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION.
YES, BOWEN? >> YOU KNOW HOW YOU WERE -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MORE APPLAUSE THAN SARAH. YOU KNOW HOW YOU WERE BORN IN AUSTRALIA?
I WAS ALSO BORN IN AUSTRALIA, BUT WE MOVED WHEN I WAS A BABY, SO MY ACCENT KIND OF GOES IN AND
OUT, MATE. >> COOL. DID YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
>> NO. >> GREAT JOB, BOWEN. BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT TO
TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO BE HERE. I'VE BEEN ACTING NOW FOR LIKE
SEVEN YEARS, AND IT'S SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE RUSH OF TRYING TO GET TO THE NEXT THING
AND THE NEXT THING. BUT TONIGHT, THE PEOPLE I LOVE ARE HERE, YOU ALL ARE HERE, AND
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M HERE. SO THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. RENEE RAPP IS HERE
WE|LL BE RIGHT BACK
KING? FIND OUT TONIGHT. >> WELCOME TO THE FINALE OF
CROWN YOUR SHORT KING. TIFFANY, YOU'VE SPENT THE PAST THREE MONTHS GETTING TO KNOW
THESE INCREDIBLE LITTLE GUYS. BUT NOW YOU'RE DOWN TO YOUR LAST THREE.
KEVIN, HAROLD, TEDDY, PLEASE STEP FORWARD. THE REST OF YOU MAY LEAVE.
TIFFANY, TONIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE TO CROWN AS YOUR SHORT KING.
AW. THE FLOOR IS YOURS. >> GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
WHEN I CAME TO SHORT KING MANSION, THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS, DAMN, I SHOULD HAVE
PACKED MORE FLATS. ON DATING APPS, I WAS THAT GIRL WHO WOULD WRITE, IF YOU'RE UNDER
6 FEET, SWIPE LEFT. BUT GETTING TO KNOW ALL OF YOU HAS MADE ME REALIZE THAT I WAS
LETTING GO OF SOME INCREDIBLE GUYS. KEVIN, I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU,
ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU OPENED UP AND TOLD ME YOUR DOG HAS ANXIETY.
HAROLD, YOU'RE SERIOUSLY THE FUNNIEST GUY ON PLANET EARTH. AND TINY TEDDY --
>> IT'S JUST TEDDY. >> RIGHT. TEDDY, LAST NIGHT WE CONNECTED
IN THE OVERNIGHT SUITE PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. YOU'VE ALL PROVEN TO ME THAT
SOMETIMES THE BEST THINGS COME IN THE SMALLEST PACKAGES. AND SOMETIMES SMALL PACKAGES
HAVE MEDIUM-SIZED PACKAGES. BUT NOW I HAVE TO CHOOSE. >> TIFFANY, WAIT.
BEFORE YOU DO, WE HAVE ONE FINAL TWIST. >> WHAT?
>> I HAVE ONE MORE BACHELOR TO INTRODUCE INTO THE GAME. MEET JACKSON.
. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP? >> YEAH, I CHOOSE HIM. >> NOPE.
NOT SUPPOSED TO YET. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING -- >> YEAH, IT WON'T MATTER.
>> WELL, LET'S GET TO KNOW HIM ANYWAY. JACKSON, TELL TIFFANY A LITTLE
ABOUT YOURSELF. >> THREE THINGS ABOUT ME IS THAT I'M FROM PITTSBURGH, I
TECHNICALLY STILL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, AND I NEED TO BORROW $200,000.
>> SO DO I JUST GIVE HIM THE CROWN NOW OR -- >> TIFFANY, BEFORE YOU DECIDE,
REMEMBER, YOU SPENT THREE MONTHS WITH OUR LIL BACHELORS. >> JUST BACHELORS IS FINE.
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TINY TEDDY. >> JUST TEDDY.
AND ACTUALLY WHEN I CAME HERE, I SAID MY NAME WAS THEODORE. >> OH, RIGHT.
AND I SAID, LIKE THAT CHIPMUNK. >> YEAH. >> LOOK, I LOVED MY TIME WITH
YOU GUYS. BUT WITH JACKSON, I WON'T HAVE TO LIKE WEIRDLY BEND MY KNEES IN
PHOTOS. >> NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING RUDE. >> DON'T GET MAD.
I HATE IT WHEN THEY GET MAD, THEY LIKE BALL THEIR LITTLE FISTS.
>> OH, WHOA. I CAUGHT A MOTH. >> THAT'S AWESOME, JACKSON.
>> ALL RIGHT. WELL, BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL DECISION, WE DID ASK ALL YOUR
REMAINING SUITORS TO WRITE A LIST OF QUALITIES THEY LOVE ABOUT YOU.
KEVIN? >> YOUR LAUGH, YOUR SMILE, THE WAY THE SUN COMES UP IN YOUR
EYES. >> BEAUTIFUL. HAROLD?
>> YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER. YOU HAVE GREAT ENERGY, AND LET'S FACE IT, YOU GOT GREAT TASTE IN
MEN. >> HILARIOUS, AS ALWAYS, HAROLD. NEXT UP, CHIPMUNK.
>> HA-HA-HA. TIFFANY, I ONLY PUT ONE THING ON MY LIST, YOUR HEART.
>> AW, VERY TOUCHING, SQUIRT. JACKSON. >> TIFFANY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF
MY HEART, YOUR BODY IS JUST OKAY. >> YEAH.
THAT'S FINE. YOU WIN. >> OH, IT'S TINY JUST LIKE THEM.
>> TIFFANY, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS? AND OKAY.
I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING OUT WITH JACKSON. THIRD SEASON IN A ROW THIS HAS
HAPPENED. JOIN US NEXT SEASON FOR GOLDEN SHORT KING.
SAME LIL GUYS, BUT THEY'RE OLDER NOW, AND LET'S FACE IT, BALD. OH, MY GOD.
THEY'RE DANCING. ** **
>>> WITH OVER 50 MILLION VIEWS, IT WAS THE CONVERSATION THAT BROKE THE INTERNET.
KATT WILLIAMS. >> IT'S THE TRUTH, SHANNON. >> SHANNON SHARP.
>> COME ON NOW. >> THE CLUB SHY SHY INTERVIEW. KATT WILLIAMS KEEPING IT
COMPLETELY REAL. >> THREE THINGS ARE TRUE ABOUT ME.
I AM 5'3", I HAVE NEVER TOLD A LIE, AND I AM 6'3". LOOK, HOLLYWOOD CREATED KEVIN
HART. EVERYBODY KNOWS KEVIN WAS MADE IN THE SAME FACTORY THEY MAKE
TEDDY GRAHAMS. WHY THE HELL HE SMELL LIKE CINNAMON?
>> NOW THERE'S MORE, EIGHT HOURS MORE. GET READY FOR CLUB SHY SHY THE
EXTENDED CUT. SEE KATT WILLIAMS TAKE ON EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD AND
BEYOND. >> LOOK, I DON'T MESS WITH BARACK OBAMA.
I DON'T TRUST NOBODY WHOSE NAME IS ALL VOWELS. >> WHAT?
>> WHY MY MOUTH GOT TO BE OPEN SO LONG. WHAT HE DO, SHANNON?
YOU KNOW HIS SLOGAN, YES WE CAN, I CAME UP WITH THAT. BEFORE ME, HE WAS SAYING,
PROBABLY, I THINK WE MIGHT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN AVATAR. JAMES CAMERON BEGGED ME TO BE IN
IT. HE SAID I'LL SUCK YOUR PENIS. THERE WAS PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.
>> JAMES CAMERON SAID THAT? >> CALL HIM RIGHT NOW. THERE'S TOO MANY GRETAS IN THE
WORLD. YOU DON'T THINK IT'S STRANGE ALL THESE WOMEN GOT THE SAME NAME
DOING ALL THAT TALKING? YOU NEED TO GRETA JOB. HOW YOU GOING TO CHALLENGE ME,
SHANNON? I'M THE ONE WHO INVENTED FRUIT. >> KATT, YOU AIN'T INVENT NO
FRUIT. >> BEFORE ME, TREES WASN'T BRINGING NOTHING TO THE TABLE.
>> KATT WILLIAMS TELLS IT ALL, HARD TRUTH, CELEBRITY STORIES. >> I'M IN AMAZING SHAPE.
I'M HANDSOME, ATHLETIC, AND I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR 27 YEARS. I'LL RACE YOU RIGHT NOW.
>> HOW YOU GOING TO DO THAT, KATT? >> SEE, I JUST BEAT YOU.
SHANNON, I AM THE ONLY MAN IN HISTORY TO SAY ALL THE WORDS EVER IN ONE SINGLE WORD.
THERE IT IS. THAT'S ALL OF THEM. >> IT'S KATT WILLIAMS AT HIS
MOST HONEST AND GETTING DEEP. >> NOW, MY BOY, THEY REJECTED ANY THEORY THAT ARGUED THAT THE
ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS, AND EVERY PIMP KNOWS THAT THERE ARE NO TRAN SEN DENT ENDS.
STEVE HARVEY CANNOT READ. HE'S LOOKING AT THE TELEPROMPTER AND JUST GUESSING.
HE BE ON FAMILY FEUD LIKE, WHAT? >> EIGHT HOURS.
GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE DAY OFF
>>> WELCOME BACK TO OUR ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT AWARD SEASON SPECIAL.
>> HERE'S A RIDDLE, WHO IS SOMEONE YOU SEE ONCE A YEAR EVERY SINGLE YEAR, AND YET
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE? ANSWER, AN ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT
HOST. >> OUCH. LOVE THAT.
WELL, AWARD SEASON IS IN FULL SWING. AT 7:00, IT'S OUR FAVORITE RED
CARPET LOOKS. AND AT 8:00, WE'LL MIX UP STERLING K. BROWN AND MICHAEL B.
JORDAN IN A BIG WAY. >> THIS SEASON HAS BEEN A BUZZ OF CELEBRITIES HAVING
CONVERSATIONS WE WISH WE COULD HEAR. THANKS TO OUR NEXT GUEST, WE
WON'T HAVE TO SPECULATE ANYMORE. PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEXT GUESTS. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US, OR
SHOULD I SAY -- >> TRANSLATION, WE'RE STILL APARTMENT HUNTING IF ANYONE
KNOWS OF ANYTHING. >> IMPRESSIVE. >> WHOA.
>> SO YOU TWO ARE PROFESSIONAL LIP READERS. >> YES.
WE PICK UP ON EXTREMELY SUBTLE LIP MOVEMENTS AND BODY LANGUAGE TO DECIPHER EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE
MIGHT BE SAYING. >> THAT'S HOW I KNOW YOU'RE INSECURE.
>> OH, MY GOD. I AM. LOVE THAT.
>> SO THE FIRST CLIP YOU'LL BE DECIPHERING IS FROM THE VIRAL ROMANTIC CONVO AT THE GLOBES
BETWEEN TIMOTHEE CHALAMET AND KYLIE JENNER. >> YES.
HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS SAYING HE'S RELAXED BUT HORNY. >> AND THE MOVEMENT OF HER MOUTH
WILL SAY SHE'S TALKING. >> FASCINATING. LET'S PLAY THAT CLIP.
>> YOUR MOM IS SO NICE. >> SHE'S WILD, BUT I LOVE HER. >> IT'S CRAZY THAT SHE WAS
MARRIED TO KANYE. >> WAIT, YOU THINK KIM IS MY MOM?
>> MWAH. WILLY WONKA. >> I LOVE YOU, BABY.
>> I LOVE YOU TOO. OOMPAH LOOMPAH. >> LIKE WE SAID, THIS ISN'T AN
EXACT SCIENCE. >> BUT I DO FEEL CONFIDENT WE GOT IT AT LEAST 100% RIGHT.
>> JUST TO CONFIRM, YOU TWO ARE PROFESSIONAL LIP READERS? >> YES, WE HAVE OVER 1,200
VIDEOS ON TIKTOK. >> AND HOW MANY FOLLOWERS? >> LESS.
>> WELL, THAT IS FAB. LOVE THAT. MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY ANOTHER
CLIP. >> THIS NEXT CONVERSATION IS TAYLOR AND TRAVIS ON THE STREET
IN NEW YORK. >> ROLL IT. >> IT'S AUTUMN.
>> NO. IT'S WINTER. >> I'M WEARING A CARDIGAN AND A
WANT A CUP OF TEA. >> BIG GUY. I'M A BIG GUY.
STOMP, STOMP, CLOMP, STOMP. >> NORTH KOREA. >> IT'S CRAZY WE BOTH WORK AT
FOOTBALL STADIUMS. >> YES. AND REMEMBER TO VOTE EARLY AND
VOTE OFTEN. >> I LOVE YOU, TAYLOR! >> I LOVE YOU TOO, TAYLOR.
>> WONDERFUL. I'M NOTICING THAT EVERY CLIP ENDS WITH LOVE YOU.
>> YES. 100% OF SOME CONVERSATIONS END WITH LOVE YOU.
>> SURE. BUT A LOT OF TIME YOU'RE TALKING, THEIR MOUTHS ARE NOT
MOVING AT ALL. >> LIES! WATCH THIS.
>> DON'T TELL ME NOT TO LIVE. JUST SIT AND PANIC. >> I THINK IT'S VERY CLEAR
JENNIFER LAWRENCE WAS MOUTHING, IF I DON'T WIN, I'M LEAVING. >> WHY ARE YOU DOUBTING US?
DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OUR DEEP BODY OF WORK? >> OUR LIP READINGS HOLD UP IN
COURT. WE HAVE HAD PEOPLE PUT AWAY FOR LIFE?
>> YOU HAVE? >> WE'LL SHOW YOU. WE NEED ASSISTANCE FROM OUR
LITTLE LESBIAN INTERN RENEE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> SORRY.
YOUR INTERN IS RENEE RAPP? >> YEAH. I'VE BEEN GOING ABSOLUTELY OFF
ON EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW LATELY, SO NOW I HAVE TO DO 40 HOURS OF COURT ORDERED MEDIA
TRAINING. >> YOU READY LITTLE LESBIAN INTERN RENEE?
>> YEAH. >> ROLL EVIDENCE ITEM 35 A. >> SO YOU DID THE MURDER, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, I DID IT. >> YOU DID THE MURDER. >> YEAH, I TOTALLY DID WITH A
BIG KNIFE. >> WHOA, ME WITH A KNIFE TOO. >> GOOP, GOOP, GOOP, LOVE YOU,
BABY. >> LOVE YOU TOO. >> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. ONE MORE THING BEFORE WE GO --
>> THEY SAID, LIFE'S CANDY AND THE SUN'S A BOWL OF BUTTER.
DATE IDEA. >> I HAVE TO WARN YOU, I WON THE SILVER MEDAL ON THE MIDDLE
SCHOOL BOWLING TEAM. >> YOU'RE JUST FULL OF SURPRISES, AREN'T YOU?
LOOKS LIKE I'M UP FIRST. >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
NOT BAD. OH, HEY, LOOK, THEY GOT ONE OF THOSE FUN ANIMATIONS.
>> SIX. >> AW, SO CUTE. FOUR MORE TO GO.
>> YOU DID IT. HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. >> YEAH.
>> SPARE. >> NOT BAD. NOT BAD.
NOW IT'S THE PRO'S TURN. >> HUH. ARE THOSE TWO PINS SUPPOSED TO
BE THAT FAR APART? >> HA-HA-HA. VERY FUNNY.
LET'S WATCH THE VIDEO. >> JOHNNY, YOUR FATHER HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO TELL YOU.
>> WHAT'S WRONG, GUYS? >> SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
>> SPLIT. >> OH, THAT ONE WAS A LITTLE SERIOUS.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE IF I CAN PICK THIS UP. >> UH-OH.
THEY'RE GOING TO LET YOU HAVE IT WITH THIS ONE. >> EMMA, WHAT ARE THESE?
>> THOSE AREN'T MY CIGARETTES, DAD. >> YOU LITTLE LIAR!
NOW YOU NEED TO STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FIND YOU ONE DAY WITH A
NEEDLE IN YOUR ARM SLUMPED OVER LIVING IN THE GOD DAMN -- >> GUTTER.
>> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? >> I KNOW. A NEEDLE IN HER ARM?
PRETTY GIRL LIKE THAT WOULD SHOOT BETWEEN HER TOES. >> THAT'S A FUN FACT.
>> MY TURN. WHOO, STRIKE. AND OF COURSE IT'S A BASEBALL
ONE. >> OH, STOP IT, PLEASE! >> YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON
YOURSELF. >> YEAH. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL SUPPORT
YOUR UNION BROTHERS WHEN WE GO ON -- >> STRIKE.
>> SO CUTE. YOU KEEP PLAYING. I'LL JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE
VIEW. >> OKAY. IF YOU SAY I SO.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING HERE TODAY ON SHORT NOTICE. MY NAME IS JOAN PASCAL.
I'M A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATOR WITH THE FBI. LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND THE BODY OF
A YOUNG WOMAN IN MUSGROVE PARK. FROM THE SAY TANNIC TOTEMS AT THE CRIME SCENE AND THE NATURE
OF THE REALISTIC KILLING, WE FEEL CONFIDENT THIS IS THE WORK OF THE GROVE DALE KILLER, WHICH
BRING THE TOTAL OF THE VICTIMS SO FAR TO -- >> NINE.
>> GOD, THESE VIDEOS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. >> DUE TO THE CHILDHOOD INJURY
THAT LEFT YOUR HUSBAND WITH AN IMPACTED TESTICLE, IT'S VERY UNLIKELY YOU'LL EVER HAVE
CHILDREN. >> BUT I WANT A BABY. >> WE CAN'T HONEY BECAUSE MY --
>> STUCK BALL. >> HEY, MR. MAN, PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT, AND YOU MIGHT GET ONE OF
THOSE TONIGHT. >> A STUCK BALL? LOOKS LIKE THEY GAVE ME AN EXTRA
ROLL. LET'S JUST FINISH THE GAME ALREADY.
GREAT. THAT PUTS ME OVER 100. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
>> NO, WAIT. I WANT TO WATCH. >> BAD NEWS, KIDDO.
WE HAVE A FLAT TIRE. THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN MAKE IT TO DISNEY WORLD.
>> IT'S SPARE TIRE. JUST SAY SPARE TIRE. >> SHH, DON'T RUIN IT.
>> IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY WE COULD FIX THIS TIRE. >> SPARE TIRE.
JUST SAY IT SO WE CAN LEAVE. >> I'LL JUST LOOK IN THE TRUNK WHERE I ALWAYS LEAVE A ROAD MAP
SO I CAN TELL THE AAA GUYS HOW TO GET HERE. >> JUST SAY SPARE TIRE, YOU
STUPID PIN. >> HERE COMES THE TOW TRUCK. STEP BACK, LITTLE TIMMY, YOU
HAVE YOUR -- >> FOOT ON THE LINE. NO POINTS.
>> WHAT? MY FOOT WAS NOT ON THE LINE. >> SORRY, BABE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET ABOUT BOWLING. HOW ABOUT WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE
AND JUST -- >> HAVE SEX. >> OH, WOW.
I CHANGED MY MIND. THIS BOWLING ALLY IS AWESOME.
ALASKA AIRLINES FLIGHT HAD TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING AFTER A CABIN DOOR BROKE OFF.
>> SAFETY IS OUR NUMBER ONE CONCERN. >> BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT IT
LOOKED PRETTY COOL, PLANE FLYING AROUND, NO DOOR. >> EVERYONE'S SCREAMING, CELL
PHONES WHIPPING OUT INTO THE SKY. IT WAS AWESOME.
>> THAT'S WHY OUR NEW SLOGAN IS, ALASKA AIRLINES, YOU DIDN'T DIE AND YOU GOT A COOL STORY.
>> ON OTHER AIRLINES, YOU CAN WATCH MOVIES, BUT ON ALASKA, YOU'RE IN THE MOVIE.
>> AND IF YOU THINK ALASKA THE STATE IS COLD, JUST WAIT UNTIL OUR PLANE'S ROOF RIPS OFF.
>> SINCE THE INCIDENT, WE'RE STARTING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES. >> YOU KNOW THOSE BOLTS THAT
LIKE HOLD THE PLANE TOGETHER? WE'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND TIGHTEN SOME OF THOSE.
>> WE'VE ALSO MADE A FEW SMALL UPDATES TO OUR IN-FLIGHT SAFETY BROCHURE.
>> AND WE'LL NOW BE TAKING OFF WITH THE INFLATABLE SLIDE ALREADY DEPLOYED.
>> PEOPLE ASK ME WHERE THE EMERGENCY EXITS ARE, AND I'M LIKE THERE, THERE, AND IN TEN
MINUTES, PROBABLY THERE. >> YOU KNOW HOW HAWAIIAN AIRLINES ALWAYS GIVES OUT LAYS
WHEN YOU LAND? WE'VE GOT OUR OWN VERSION. >> ARE WE IN CLEVELAND?
>> CLOSE. THE PACIFIC OCEAN. >> TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SAFER,
WE'VE HIRED SULLY OUT OF RETIREMENT. >> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT
AGAIN. >> HE'S A LOT OLDER NOW. >> I WAS ON THAT FLIGHT.
AT THE TIME, I WAS TERRIFIED, BUT NOW, I'M THE COOLEST PERSON AT THE OFFICE.
EVERYONE'S STOPPING BY MY CUBICLE ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE BOY WHOSE SHIRT GOT
SUCKED OUT THE PLANE. >> SOME AIRLINES GIVE YOU A LITTLE WING PIN WHEN YOU GET OFF
THE PLANE, ALASKA GIVES YOU A COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO OF YOUR FLIGHT.
>> SO FLY ALASKA. >> FLY ALASKA. >> WE'RE THE SAME AIRLINE WHERE
A PILOT TRIED TO TURN OFF THE ENGINE MID FLIGHT WHILE ON MUSHROOMS, AND WE'RE PROUD TO
SAY THAT'S OUR SECOND WORST
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * FIRST TO ARRIVE
LAST TO LEAVE WHAT'S MISERY WITHOUT COMPANY? *
* IT'S HARD TO LAUGH WHEN IT'S HARD TO BREATHE IT'S WHITE OUTSIDE
BUT RED UNDERNEATH * * FEEL THE TIP OF MY NOSE IT'S BURNING
BUT IT'S ICE COLD * * I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER
IF IT KILLS ME * * I CAN MAKE IT FASTER IF I HURRY
I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW UNTIL I'M WORTHY * * BUT IF IT KILLS ME
I TRIED IF IT KILLS ME * * SMILES HIDE
WHAT SECRETS KEEP CAN'T TELL A LIE IF YOU NEVER SPEAK *
* LOOK IN THE MIRROR SHE LOOKS LIKE ME BUT HALF ALIVE
AND TWICE AS WEAK * * FEEL THE TIP OF MY NOSE IT'S BURNING
BUT IT'S ICE COLD * * I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER
IF IT KILLS ME * * I CAN MAKE IT FASTER IF I HURRY
I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW UNTIL I'M WORTHY * * BUT IF IT KILLS ME
I TRIED IF IT KILLS ME * * I TRIED SO HARD
I CAME SO FAR I MET A BOY HE BROKE MY HEART *
* I BLAME HIM 'CAUSE IT'S EASIER BUT I STILL LOOK
FOR HIM IN HER * * THE SEASONS CHANGE ADDICTION'S STRANGE
I LOVED BACK THEN WHAT I HATE TODAY * * I WISH I WENT
A DIFFERENT WAY BUT IF I WENT BACK I WOULD DO THE SAME *
* I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER IF IT BUT WHY DOES IT GO SLOWER
WHEN I * * I'LL ANGEL IN THE SNOW UNTIL I'M WORTHY
IF IT KILLS ME I TRIED OH IF IT KILLS ME I * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, GUYS, IT'S 2024, BUT IS IT? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN
I THINK OF THE YEAR 2020, I NEVER THINK, WE SHOULD RUN THAT ONE BACK.
AND IF YOU'RE FEELING CONFUSED, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE. AT A RALLY ON THURSDAY,
PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID HE WAS MIXED UP WHEN HE CLAIMED HE HAD JUST TAKEN A PHOTO WITH A WOMAN
WHO WASN'T THERE. HAD THEN THE NEXT DAY, DONALD TRUMP REPEATEDLY CONFUSED NIKKI
HALEY WITH NANCY PELOSI. GUYS, I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD DO THIS ELECTION.
IT'S HONESTLY STARTING TO FEEL LIKE ELDER ABUSE. I DON'T EVEN BLAME THEM.
I BLAME US FOR ALLOWING IT. IT REMINDS ME OF THOSE BUM FIGHT VIDEOS WHERE THEY MADE TWO
HOMELESS GUYS FIGHT FOR MONEY, AND NOW WE LOOK BACK ON IT LIKE HOW DID WE LET THAT HAPPEN.
I THINK THE BEST SOLUTION IS TO TELL TRUMP AND BIDEN THEY BOTH WON AND THAT WE'RE VERY PROUD OF
THEM. AND THAT THEY CAN REST NOW. >> IN MONDAY'S IOWA CAUCUSES,
RON DeSANTIS BEAT OUT NIKKI HALEY FOR SECOND PLACE. THAT OUGHT TO PUT A WHATEVER
THIS IS ON HIS FACE. SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP, BUT
REMEMBER MOST TRUMP SUPPORTERS ONLY COUNT HIM AS 3/5 OF AN ENDORSEMENT.
OH, BOY.
TEMPERATURES IN IOWA TO VOTE FOR HIM SAYING EVEN IF YOU VOTE AND PASS AWAY, IT'S WORTH IT.
VOTING FOR TRUMP AND PASSING AWAY IS ALSO WHAT HAPPENED WITH COVID.
AFTER TRUMP WAS PHOTOGRAPHED WITH SOME STRANGE RED MARKS ON HIS HAND, SOME DERMATOLOGISTS
SPECULATED IT COULD BE SOMETHING CALLED HAND HERPES. WHAT THE HELL IS HAND HERPES,
SAID TIM SCOTT. >> JOHN KERRY ANNOUNCED HE IS STEPPING DOWN AS THE U.S.
CLIMATE ENVOY AND IS EXPECTED TO FOCUS ON PRESIDENT BIDEN'S RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN, AND IT'S
NOT A GOOD SIGN THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN IS BIGGER THAN CLIMATE CHANGE.
NIKKI HALEY SAID AMERICA HAS, QUOTE, NEVER BEEN A RACIST COUNTRY BECAUSE IF AMERICANS
WERE SO RACIST, WHY DID THEY HAVE SEX WITH THEIR SLAVES?
I'M GOING TO SLEEP LIKE A BABY TONIGHT. I REALLY AM.
OF NIKKI HALEY MADE UP TO LOOK LIKE HILLARY CLINTON, AND HONESTLY I COULDN'T TELL IF IT
WAS BAD PHOTO SHOP OR A GOOD PICTURE OF MARK CUBAN IN A WIG.
SURROGATE MOTHERHOOD, WHICH HE SAYS VIOLATES THE DIGNITY OF THE WOMAN AND THE CHILD.
PLUS THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DOESN'T WANT EXTRA KIDS AROUND WHILE THEY'RE TRYING TO QUIT.
>> LAST NIGHT AT A RALLY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT SURPRISED MANY
POLITICAL EXPERTS BY ENDORSING DONALD TRUMP. HERE TO EXPLAIN IS SENATOR TIM
SCOTT. [ APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, MICHAEL. AND GREAT TO ENDORSE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED
STATES, DONALD J. TRUMP. >> WOW, YOU HAVE A VERY UNIQUE VOICE, SENATOR.
>> I KNOW. MY VOICE IS LIKE IF BILL LYNNTON WAS ACTUALLY BLACK.
I SOUND LIKE THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG. I SOUND LIKE IF FOREST GUMP WAS
DOING AN IMPRESSION OF JA RULE. WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BABY.
THAT'S AWESOME. >> A LOT OF FOLKS WERE SURPRISED THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE ENDORSED
DONALD TRUMP? >> WHY? BECAUSE I'M BLACK?
THAT'S VERY MISGUIDED. I DON'T SEE COLOR. WHEN I LOOKED AT ALL THE PEOPLE
AT TRUMP'S RALLY, I DID NOT SEE A SINGLE COLOR. >> IT'S SURPRISING BECAUSE YOU
TURNED ON NIKKI HALEY. SHE APPOINTED YOU TO BE SENATOR, AND NOW YOU'RE ENDORSING HER
RIVAL? >> NIKKI AND I WILL ALWAYS BE CLOSE FRIENDS, BUT NICKY, OR AS
MR. TRUMP TOLD ME TO CALL HER -- [ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE ]
-- SHE MAY NOT EVEN BE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA OR EVEN AMERICA. >> SENATOR, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT
TRUE. THOSE ARE JUST RACIST DOG WHISTLES.
>> MICHAEL, THAT'S NOT A RACIST DOG WHISTLE. THIS IS.
>> WHAT IS THAT NOISE? [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHO
THINK TRUMP IS ONLY USING YOU TO WIN THE BLACK VOTES? >> LOOK, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE
BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME. ALL RIGHT?
ONE TIME I SAID THE N WORD AT A BARBERSHOP, AND EVERYONE WENT, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SO WHEN MR. TRUMP ASKED ME TO CAMPAIGN FOR HIM IN INTERCITIES LIKE DETROIT AND PHILADELPHIA, I
SAID WHY DON'T WE START IN NEW HAMPSHIRE? THOSE ARE MY PEOPLE.
>> NOW THERE'S SPECULATION ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL FUTURE. IF TRUMP PICKS YOU TO BE HIS
RUNNING MATE, WOULD YOU DO IT? >> ABSOLUTELY. I WOULD BE HONORED.
>> REALLY? EVEN THOUGH HE HO TOLD A MOB TO >> HE DID WHAT?
>> TIM SCOTT, EVERYBODY.
IS WORTH OVER $1 MILLION WHILE THE AVERAGE 30-YEAR-OLD IS WORTH MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE.
>> ELTON JOHN WON AN EMMY FOR HIS FAIR WELL CONCERT SPECIAL EARNING HIM A COVETED E.G.O.T.,
WHICH IS AN EMMY, A GRAMMY, AN OSCAR, AND A TONY. A NEW STARTUP COMPANY IS
DEVELOPING A MALE CONTRACEPTIVE THAT INVOLVES ONE INJECTION THAT WILL PREVENT PREGNANCY FOR TEN
YEARS, SO GET READY FOR AN EXCITING FUTURE OF TAKING THE MAN'S WORD FOR IT.
HE LIKED THAT. GOOD JOKE. >> A VOLVO CRASHED THROUGH THE
FRONT OF A WHOLE FOODS IN A MARYLAND SUBURB. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT TO WHITE THAT
EVERYONE'S INSURANCE WENT DOWN. A PASSENGER ON SPIRIT AIRLINES WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE REPEATEDLY
ASKED FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS TO JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB, EVEN THOUGH SPIRITS AIRPLANES CAN'T
GET ABOVE 300 FEET. >> TESLA OWNERS ARE COMPLAINING THAT DURING THE SUB ZERO
TEMPERATURES, THEY COULDN'T GET THEIR CARS TO CHARGE. ON THE PLUS SIDE, THEY WERE ABLE
TO STAY WARM IN THE BATTERY FIRES. A MAN ON A PLANE IN INDIA WHO
WAS TRAPPED IN THE BATHROOM FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT SAYS THE CREW SLIPPED HIM A PIECE OF PAPER
READING DO NOT PANIC. THEN HE SLIPPED THEM A PIECE OF PAPER BACK READING MORE PAPER
PLEASE. >> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT MEN ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN AT USING A
MAP, WHILE WOMEN ARE BETTER AT SILENTLY SITTING FOR THE REST OF THE CAR RIDE AFTER YOU TELL THEM
THAT. >> A NEW STUDY OF PREGNANT WOMEN FINDS THAT VAPING DOES NOT HARM
THEIR BABIES AS LONG AS THEY'RE VERY CAREFUL SHOVING THE VAPE UP THERE.
>> MY GOD. >> THAT'S THE STUDY. >> THAT'S THE STUDY.
THAT'S A REAL STUDY. THIS WAS A NICE STORY OVER THE HOLIDAYS, NEARLY 20 DRIVERS ON
THE STATEN ISLAND EXPRESSWAY WORKED TOGETHER TO SAVE A CHIHUAHUA NAMED BEAN THAT RAN ON
TO THE ROAD, AND THEY BANDED TOGETHER AGAIN TO SEND BEAN BACK WHERE HE CAME FROM.
>> RECENTLY, A VIDEO WENT VIRAL OF A DEFENDANT ATTACKING A JUDGE IN A LAS VEGAS COURTHOUSE.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
REDDEN. >> HOW YOU FEELING? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> SO DEOBRE, WHAT COMPELLED YOU TO ATTACK THE JUDGE LIKE THAT? >> MAN, YOU ASKING THE WRONG
QUESTIONS, CHE. YOU SHOULD BE ASKING HOW BECAUSE THEY AIN'T NO DAMN WAY SOMEBODY
SHOULD BE ABLE TO ATTACK A JUDGE IN THE HER OWN DAMN COURTROOM. HOW HARD IS IT TO CATCH A GROWN
MAN FLYING ACROSS THE COURT OF LAW, MAN? >> SO YOU TRYING TO SAY THIS IS
NOT YOUR FAULT? >> WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM
SHERIFFS NEED TO BE FIRED. PLAY THE CLIP AGAIN. IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, I FLY AT
THE JUDGE -- GREAT FORM, MIGHT I ADD. WHAT Y'ALL DON'T SEE IS THE
BAILIFF IS BEHIND ME RUBBING HIS HANDS ON HIS BELLY LIKE THIS STRAIGHT DAYDREAMING.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN. HOME BOY WAS THINKING ABOUT A SNACK.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN. WHILE I FLY THIS WAY, THE BAILIFF, HE RUN BEHIND ME, HE
FALL DOWN. LOOK AT HIM, MAN. THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MAN, PUT THE DUNKIN DOWN, PICK UP THE TASER, AND DO SOMETHING, MAN.
I WAS IN THE AIR FOR LIKE FOUR, FIVE, SIX GOOD SECONDS. SHAME ON THEM.
>> YOU DO HAVE A POINT. THAT WAS CRAZY. I DON'T THINK A JUDGE HAS EVER
BEEN ATTACKED IN THEIR OWN COURTROOM BEFORE. >> EXACTLY.
IT WAS CRAZY I MADE CONTACT. I WAS SHOCKED. WHY THIS JUDGE WASN'T BEHIND
SOME GLASS, MAN. HOW IS THIS MY FAULT? I WAS BLUFFING.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BOUNCE OFF SOME GLASS. >> WHAT GLASS?
>> EVERYBODY GOT GLASS. CAB DRIVERS GOT CLASS, EVEN CVS SHAMPOO GOT SOME GLASS, MAN.
AS I WAS RUNNING, I THOUGHT, MAN, THERE FOR SURE GOING TO BE SOME GLASS.
YOU FEEL ME? >> DO YOU FEEL ANY REMORSE? >> OF COURSE I DO.
I WAS TRYING TO SHAKE HER UP A BIT, AND WHEN I GOT CONTACT, I WAS LIKE, MAN.
LOOK AT THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME BACK TO COURT, THEY
PUT A MUZZLE ON ME, MAN? >> PROBABLY FOR EVERYBODY'S SAFETY.
>> I DIDN'T BITE NOBODY. NOW THEY JUST GASSING IT. I DIDN'T DO NO MOUTH STUFF!
>> YOUR SISTER SPOKE UP FOR YOU SAYING YOU WERE HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN.
WAS THAT TRUE? >> I BELIEVE THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE CASE, YES.
MENTALLY, IT WAS A BREAKDOWN. BUT ATHLETICALLY, IT WAS GREAT, MAN.
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT, NOW WHEN I GO TO THE COURT FOR THAT APPEAL, I BET Y'ALL THEY GOING TO HAVE
SOME GLASS. >> THAT'S ENOUGH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
For "Weekend Update," >> I'm Michael Che.
MARRIAGE WAS SO TOXIC THAT AT ONE POINT, THE PRIEST WHO MARRIED US SAID TO ME PRIVATELY,
I'M PRAYING THAT Y'ALL DIVORCE. BUT NOW I'M SOBER. AA SAVED OUR MARRIAGE.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE. >> HI. SORRY.
IS THIS AN AA MEETING? >> THIS IS A WOMEN'S MEETING, GUY.
>> OH, MY BAD. THE DIRECTORY SAID THERE'S A MEETING IN ST. JOHN'S.
>> DUDE, LOOK AT THE SIGN. WOMEN SUPPORTING WOMEN. >> OKAY.
NO WORRIES. WELL, I'LL TELL THE JUDGE I TRIED.
>> CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? I'M JUST REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE A GROUP OF WOMEN TO CONNECT
WITH. >> I AGREE. I HATED AA UNTIL I FOUND GIRLS.
>> MM. >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT. IS THIS AN AA MEETING?
>> IT IS. MOVE. SIT HERE.
>> UH-HUH. YEAH.
>> DO YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE GROUP? >> SURE.
I GUESS. MY NAME IS JOSHUA, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
>> HI, JOSHUA. >> AND I'M SOBER FOR 78 DAYS NOW.
>> GET IT. >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT. YOU KNOW I'M GRATEFUL TO BE SOBER.
IT'S JUST, WHEN I'M SOBER OFF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, I ACT OUT SEXUALLY WITH WOMEN.
>> MM. >> OH, NO. >> THAT IS TOUGH STUFF.
>> YOU GOT THIS, THOUGH. >> ONE DAY AT A TIME. >> BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M REPLACING ONE DRUG WITH ANOTHER, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO GRAPHIC.
>> PLEASE DO. BECAUSE I KNOW IT COULD HELP SOMEONE.
FOR ME, HEARING A GRAPHIC STORY KEEPS ME OFF THE BOTTLE. >> MM HMM.
>> I ABSOLUTELY RUN THROUGH WOMEN. MY APPETITE IS INSATIABLE.
>> THAT IS SO SAD. AND IS THERE AN AGE CUTOFF OR A BODY TYPE YOU GO FOR?
>> NO, IT'S ANY AND ALL TYPES. ALL OF THEM. >> MM.
>> I HOPE I'M NOT TRIGGERING ANYONE.
IN FACT, NOW THAT I'M LOOKING AROUND, I FEEL LIKE I ONLY SEE WOMEN.
>> WELL, USUALLY THERE'S MEN HERE, BUT THEY'RE ALL AT THE GAME.
>> WHAT GAME? >> I DON'T KNOW. COMICON.
BACK TO YOUR SOBRIETY. YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO ALL
ETHNICITIES. >> YEAH. THE LONGER I STAY SOBER, THE
MORE I ABSOLUTELY COMPULSIVELY ACT OUT WITH WOMEN. >> MM!
>> HEY, HEY, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR SOBRIETY.
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF OFF -- UP. >> I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. BESIDES, IT'S NOTHING COMPARED
TO MY BEHAVIOR WHEN I WAS DRINKING. I WOULD ABSOLUTELY WEAR THOSE
POOR WOMEN LIKE A GAS MASK. >> YOU KNOW, YOU COULD DRINK AGAIN.
>> ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T A WOMEN'S MEETING? I MEAN, THAT SIGN SAYS WOMEN
SUPPORTING WOMEN. >> IT'S PRINTED WRONG. IT SHOULD SAY WOMEN SUPPORTING
WOMEN SUPPORTING YOU. >> SORRY. YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT
GIVING WOMEN THE DICKING OF A LIFETIME? >> OH, RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I WAS NEVER A BETTER LOVER THAN WHEN I WAS DRUNK.
I WAS PASSIONATE AND WILD, AND IT WENT ALL NIGHT. >> MM, MM, MM.
>> ALL IT TOOK WAS A COUPLE OF BEERS. >> OKAY.
THIS IS WEIRD, BUT THERE ARE RANDOMLY TWO BEERS HERE. >> I'M GOING TO BE SUPER
VULNERABLE WITH Y'ALL. I'M FEELING THE URGE TO ACT OUT. >> OH, THAT -- THAT IS TOTALLY
NORMAL. I MEAN, HOW DO WE SUPPORT -- HOW DO WE BEST SUPPORT YOU RIGHT
NOW? >> OH, YOUR TOP HAS FALLEN SLIGHTLY OPEN.
>> HAS IT? I'M JUST OVERHEATED. I MEAN, MAYBE I'LL COOL DOWN IF
I JUST BOUNCE. >> WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW! GUESS YOU CAN ONLY GET SOBRIETY
AROUND HERE IF YOU'RE HOT. >> GET OUT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, RENEE RAPP!
IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME OR SOMETHING *
* IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAME WITH HER BUT SHE MIGHT
LEAVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GOTTA PAY
FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME *
* WHERE SHE AT? WHAT SHE DOIN'? WHO SHE WITH
AND WHERE SHE FROM? * * OH SHE'S THIS? SHE'S THAT?
SHE'S A FLIGHT RISK ON THE RUN * * SHE'S BACK
SHE'S BACK YEAH I'M BACK BITCH ARE YOU DONE? *
* EXCUSE ME WHILE I BITE MY TONGUE* * I'M BACK ON THAT SAME --
FROM BEFORE I CAN'T TAKE THIS PETTINESS NOW I'M BORED *
* WE CAN SHARE BABE THERE'S ENOUGH FOR US ALL * * TOLD YOU WHO I AM
AND WHAT IT IS THAT'S NOT MY FAULT * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU CAME WITH HER BUT SHE MIGHT LEAVE WITH ME *
* IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE *
* IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME
YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME * * GET HER NUMBER
GET HER NAME GET A GOOD THING WHILE YOU CAN *
* KISS A BLONDE KISS A FRIEND CAN A GAY GIRL
GET AN AMEN? * * I'M BACK ON THAT SAME -- FROM BEFORE
I CAN'T TAKE THIS PETTINESS NOW I'M BORED * * WE CAN SHARE BABE
THERE'S ENOUGH FOR US ALL * * TOLD YOU WHO I AM AND WHAT IT IS
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAME WITH HER
BUT SHE MIGHT LEAVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME *
* IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME * * I MEAN WHO WOULDN'T WANNA BE IN LOVE WITH ME? *
* I'M A MOOD BORIN' GIRLS GOTTA PINTEREST ME *
* I'M A STALLION BUT THEY COMIN' FOR ME LIKE TROJAN *
* AND IT WOULDN'T BE ME IF I AIN'T CAUSE COMMOTION * * I'M SO BAD
DUDES THOUGHT I WAS A.I. BALLIN' LIKE EIGHT AH * * STICK TO THE --
LIKE A STAPLER STACK LIKE JENGA * * ANY -- GET STROKED
LIKE A PAINTER * * IT'S FUNNY HOW THE MEAN GIRL
OPEN ALL THE DOORS * * I BEEN TOLD Y'ALL I'M THE BLACK
REGINA GEORGE * * YOU WAS HATIN' BACK THEN NOW YOU FINNA HATE MORE
I GOT INFLUENCE I RUN -- * * 'CAUSE I WOKE UP HOTTER
THAN I WAS YESTERDAY * * DON'T CARE ABOUT NO RULES 'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET MY WAY
HEY HEY * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAME WITH HER
BUT SHE MIGHT LEAVE WITH ME * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT I GET FOR FREE * * IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME *
* IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE IN LOVE WITH ME YOU'RE LIKE
IN LOVE WITH ME * >> WHAT'S UP "SNL"? >> GIVE IT UP FOR MEGAN THEE
STALLION! * IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE
STUDENTS IN AN ACTING CLASS. YOU ARE A HO AND A PIMP ON SKID ROW.
GO. >> THE HELL IS THIS, BITCH? A WHOLE NIGHT OF HO'ing, AND ALL
YOU BRING ME IS $150. >> I TOLD YOU ONE OF FUZZY'S HOES ROBBED ME, DADDY.
>> STOP THE SCENE! I DIDN'T BELIEVE A WORD OF THAT. YOU TWO ALWAYS COME OFF AS TWO
WHITE PEOPLE FROM GOOD HOMES. >> I FELT THAT. >> I FELT THAT.
THANK YOU. >> WE ALL HAVE CHALLENGED TO OVERCOME ON THE ROAD OF SUCCESS.
FOR RANDALL, IT'S HIS UNAPPEALING BODY. >> OKAY.
>> FOR LAURA, IT'S A LACK OF TALENT. >> I KNOW.
I'M WORKING ON IT. >> AND OF COURSE FOR NATALIE, IT'S THAT SHE LOOKS STRIKINGLY
LIKE RACHEL McADAMS. >> YEAH. I KEEP HEARING THAT, WHICH IS
KIND OF ANNOYING BECAUSE I'M JUST NOT REALLY A FAN. >> WELL, SHE'S A FAMOUS ACTRESS,
SO IT MIGHT BE HARD GETTING CAST IN THINGS. >> YEAH.
WELL, I THINK THERE'S ROOM IN HOLLYWOOD FOR RACHEL McADAMS AND NATALIE PARTMAN.
>> YES. I MIGHT ALSO CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO SOMETHING THAT
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN. OH, HE'S HERE.
I HAVE A SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU. SINCE YOU ALL ASPIRE TO BE
WORKING ACTORS, WHO BETTER TO GIVE ADVICE THAN A VERY FAMOUS ACTOR, MR. TREVOR!
>> THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. >> I'M VERY EXCITED FOR YOU TO HEAR FIRSTHAND HOW HARD ACTORS
MUST WORK TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS. I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE QUESTIONS. ASK AWAY.
>> SO, YEAH, YOU'RE AWESOME. >> OH, THANKS, MAN. THAT MEANS THE WORLD.
THANK YOU. >> SO I'M LIKE THREE YEARS INTO THE AUDITIONING GRIND, AND THE
NEEDLE HAS NOT MOVED FOR ME AT ALL. I'M CURIOUS HOW LONG DID IT TAKE
FOR YOU TO GET YOUR FIRST, LIKE, BIG BREAK? >> WELL, I FLEW TO LA TO GIVE
THE WHOLE HOLLYWOOD THING A SHOT, AND AS I WALKED OFF THE PLANE, SELENA GOMEZ CAME UP TO
ME, SAID I WAS GORGEOUS, AND ASKED ME TO PLAY HER BOYFRIEND IN A MUSIC VIDEO, AND THAT LED
TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING. >> OKAY. SO THE MOMENT YOU STEPPED IN LA,
YOU GOT YOUR BIG BREAK? COOL. >> YEAH.
AND IT WAS ALL THANKS TO SELENA GOMEZ. ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART BY THE WAY.
>> OH, YEA. I'M SO GLAD. I LOVE HER.
>> HI. SO I'VE BEEN AUDITIONING FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS, AND I'VE GOT
NOTHING. MY AGENT ACTUALLY TOLD ME IT'S TIME TO CONSIDER PORN.
SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE REJECTION? >> I FEEL SO DUMB RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT
WORD. I'M NOT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. IS IT LIKE A SLANG?
>> OH, NO. REJECTION IS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE A PART OF THE HUMAN
CONDITION. >> YEAH. IT'S LIKE WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T
WANT YOU FOR SOMETHING. >> OH, NO. NO.
THAT'S SO SAD. YEAH. REALLY, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT. >> HI. I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOURS.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M A FAN OF YOURS. "SPOTLIGHT", THAT'S AMAZING.
>> NO. I'M NOT RACHEL McADAMS. I'M NATALIE PARTMAN.
SO ANYWAY, TO MAKE MONEY, I STARTED AN ONLYFANS, AND I WAS SUED BY RACHEL McADAMS, WHO
ACCUSED ME OF BEING A DEEP FAKE HER, SO, ANYWAY, WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR SOMEONE WHO LOOKS
LIKE A FAMOUS PERSON? >> I MEAN, ARE YOU A BETTER ACTRESS THAN RACHEL McADAMS?
>> I'LL ANSWER THAT. NO. >> OKAY.
THEN I WOULD SAY GIVE UP AND STOP PURSUING A FILM CAREER. >> GOT IT.
SO I'LL FOCUS ON TV. NAMASTE. >> OKAY.
HI, TREVIS. I'M FAN BOYING OUT RIGHT NOW. DON'T BE WEIRD.
DO YOU HAVE ANY, LIKE, AUDITION HACKS? >> I'M SORRY.
I KEEP HEARING THIS WORD, AUDITION. SORRY.
WHAT IS THAT? >> IT'S WHERE YOU TRY OUT FOR A PART.
>> OH, MY GOD. THEY MAKE YOU DO THAT? DUDE, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
ALLOWED. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, AS FAR AS I KNOW, THE WAY YOU GET CAST IN A
MOVIE IS THE DIRECTOR ASKS YOU TO BE IN IT. >> OH, WOW, THAT SOUNDS SO MUCH
EASIER THAN AUDITIONING. YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT ACTOR. DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAINING?
>> NO. I JUST DID IT, AND I WAS REALLY GOOD.
>> AWESOME. AWESOME. I'M DEPRESSED NOW.
THANK YOU. >> WELL, TREVIS ONLY PROMISED US A FEW MINUTES, SO HE NEEDS TO
GO. >> LISTEN, THANKS, EVERYBODY. I ADMIRE ALL OF YOU.
KEEP FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS, AND I KNOW Y'ALL ARE GOING TO BEAT YOUR ILLNESS.
ONE LOVE. >> DID HE THINK THIS WAS LIKE A MAKE A WISH THING?
>> HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN HIM HERE? OKAY.
NATALIE, LET'S SEE YOUR MONOLOGUE. WHAT'S IT FROM?
>> "THE NOTEBOOK." >> WHY CHOOSE THAT? WHY?
>>> WHEN I'M WITH YOU, BRIAN, THE PAST MELTS AWAY. BUT BEFORE I MET YOU, I HAD TO
KISS A LOT OF FROGS. AND BY THAT, I MEAN I USED ALL THE APPS.
BUT SERIOUSLY, SOME OF THOSE GUYS ON THOSE DATING APPS ARE THE WORST.
BUT WHEN I MET YOU SIX YEARS AGO, I KNEW I HAD FOUND THE ONE. >> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
>> BEAUTIFUL VOWS, JILL. NOW, SHOULD ANYONE PRESENT KNOW OF ANY REASON THAT THIS COUPLE
SHOULD NOT BE JOINED IN HOLY MATRIMONY, SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.
>> HEY. EXCUSE ME. LIKE OBJECTION, I GUESS.
>> I'M SORRY. WHO ARE YOU? >> I'M GARRETT FROM HINGE.
AKA, THE GUY WHO JUST RANDOMLY CAUGHT A STRAY IN YOUR WEDDING VOWS.
I GUESS CONGRATS ON GETTING MARRIED TO LIKE A POINTY LEONARDO DiCAPRIO.
>> YEAH. I -- OH, MY GOD. I REMEMBER YOU.
YES, WE WENT ON A HINGE DATE, AND YOU KEPT SAYING I HAD HUFFLEPUFF VIBES, BUT THE ASS OF
A SLYTHERIN. >> YEAH. THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT.
>> LOOK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEAVE? >> FINE.
I'LL JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM, AND WHEN I COME BACK, WE CAN FIGURE ALL THIS OUT.
>> FIGURE WHAT OUT? HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS WEDDING?
>> MAYBE BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND IS THE ORGANIST HERE? GARRETT, I KNOW YOUR FEELINGS
ARE HURT, AND THAT'S REALLY HARD. BUT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT
KILL THEM. ALL RIGHT. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, YOU GUYS,
AND IT'S EITHER ME OR HIM. >> IT'S HIM. AND PLEASE STOP STANDING LIKE
YOUR SHIRT. >> THIS SUCKS. WHATEVER.
I'M NOT EVEN ON HINGE ANYMORE. NOT AFTER I GOT ACCEPTED TO RAYA, AFTER I WENT VIRAL FOR
SCREAMING ON AN AIRPLANE. AND, YES, I MATCHED WITH THE
RACHEL DOLISOL. >> I'M SO SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING.
>> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BABE. >> OH, BRIAN. SORRY, THAT WAS MY STEWIE
GRIFFIN IMPRESSION. >> GARRETT, THAT WAS ACTUALLY AN AMAZING IMPRESSION.
YOU KNOW, I DO A PRETTY GOOD LOIS MYSELF. >> LET'S HEAR IT.
>> PETER! >> IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN THE ROOM WITH ME.
>> IT'S TIME FOR BED, STEWIE! >> YOU VILE WOMAN. >> AND I'M CLEVELAND BROWN.
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING? BRIAN, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS! >> RIDICULOUS?
WOW. NOW SHE'S GIVING HER MAN LIP ON HIS WEDDING DAY.
YOU KNOW, THAT NASTY LITTLE YUM NOTHING ATTITUDE IS EXACTLY WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOUR SORRY ASS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. ME AND GARRETT ARE GOING TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM AND WE CAN FIGURE ALL THIS OUT. >> WHAT?
BRIAN, NO! >> I KNOW IT'S HARD, BRIAN. I KNOW SHE HURT YOUR FEELINGS,
BUT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT KILL HER. >> BUT I REALLY WANT TO.
>> I KNOW. IT'S SO TEMPTING. WHY DID I BRING MY BOOK OF
SPELLS? >> GOSH, AND I REALLY WISH I DIDN'T BRING MY KILLING WAND.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS GETTING REALLY TOXIC FOR ME. I JUST NEED TO REMOVE MYSELF
FROM THE SITUATION. GOOD-BYE, BRIAN. >> GOOD-BYE, GARRETT.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGEL? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANKS TO RENEE RAPP, MEGAN THEE STALLION, AND RACHEL McADAMS!
THANK YOU LORNE, THANK YOU TO ALL THE PERSONNEL. AND THANK YOU ALL.
I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.