>>> AND NOW THE CNN TRUMP TOWN HALL LIVE FROM COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA.
>>> HELLO, EVERYONE.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, AND WELCOME
TO SOUTH CAROLINA.
WE ARE YOUR HOSTS TONIGHT.
I'M CHARLES BARKLEY.
>> AND I AM GAYLE KING.
AND WE'RE THE COHOSTS OF A REAL
CNN SHOW THAT COMBINES OUR TWO
NAMES, KING CHARLES.
>> YEAH.
I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE GAY BAR.
BUT THEN I WAS TOLD THAT THAT
WAS TERRIBLE.
>> YES.
TONIGHT, THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH
CAROLINA WILL ASK FORMER
PRESIDENT TRUMP QUESTIONS ABOUT
IMPORTANT ISSUES AFFECTING THEIR
LIVES.
>> AND I'LL ASK MYSELF QUESTIONS
LIKE CAN YOU BET ON A TOWN HALL.
YOU SURE CAN ON FANDUEL.
>> NOW, PLEASE WELCOME THE
FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
>> HE'S BEEN AROUND THE COURT
MORE THAN ME, AND I WAS IN THE
NBA.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO THE FEW
OF YOU WHO ARE APPLAUDING.
I LOVE BEING HERE IN THE GREAT
STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
FRANKLY ONE OF THE TOP TWO
CAROLINAS.
SOUTH CAROLINA, THE FIRST STATE
TO SECEDE FROM THE UNION, AND
NOT THE LAST, I THINK.
GOING TO SEE A LOT OF THAT WHEN
I WIN.
50 STATES IS WAY TOO MANY.
I THINK WE COULD GET IT BACK
DOWN TO 12 OR 13 AGAIN.
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MAN?
THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE
HEARD, AND I WORK WITH SHAQ.
>> OUR FIRST QUESTION TONIGHT
COMES FROM AN AUTO WORKER AT THE
ASSEMBLY PLANT FOR VOLVO.
>> WHICH IS ALSO THE MEDICAL
TERM FOR HOO-HA.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP, I VOTED FOR
YOU IN 2016 AND 2020.
>> WOW, YOU FELL FOR IT TWICE.
>> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN
DEFEAT JOE BIDEN THIS TIME?
>> WELL, I THINK I'M DOING EVEN
BETTER THIS TIME IN TERMS OF
HISPANIC.
I LIKE TO SAY I PUT THE PANIC IN
HISPANIC.
PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HAVING AN
ALLEGED CRIMINAL LIKE JOE BIDEN
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
THEY WANT A CONVICTED CRIMINAL.
SOMEONE THEY CAN TRUST TO GET
THE CRIMES DONE RIGHT.
>> SOMEHOW THAT'S WHAT I WANTED
TO HEAR.
THANK YOU.
>> YOU KEEP DOING YOU, HOMEY.
>> YEAH.
NEXT WE HAVE A SINGLE MOM WHO'S
CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED.
>> WOW.
GUYS ARE GOING TO BE LINING UP
AFTER THAT DESCRIPTION.
PRESIDENT TRUMP, IF ELECTED,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO STOP TAYLOR
SWIFT FROM INFILTRATING THE
SUPER BOWL AND STEALING THE
ELECTION?
>> YOU KNOW, THANK YOU.
THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE
SMARTEST AND MOST RESEARCHED
QUESTIONS I THINK POSSIBLY EVER.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT BIDEN
HAS BRAINWASHED TAY-TAY.
THEY'RE USING HER IN SOMETHING
CALLING CYOPS, STARTED WITH THE
GREAT RAPPER CY.
TOLD ME HE NEEDED A NEW STYLE.
I SAID WHAT ABOUT GANGHAM.
NOW THEY'VE GOT TAY-TAY
PRETENDING TO DATE TRAY DAY.
HE CAN'T EVEN GET TAYLOR TICKETS
NEAR THE FIELD.
HE'S GOT HER WAY UP IN A LITTLE
BOX.
SO SAD.
>> I'M SORRY.
HOW EXACTLY WILL TAYLOR SWIFT
BEING AT THE SUPER BOWL MAKE
BIDEN WIN THE ELECTION?
>> THE CLUES ARE ALL THERE IF
YOU LOOK AT THE MIDNIGHTS TRACK
LIST.
THE RAVENS WERE THERE BUT GOT
CAUGHT BY THE CHIEFS.
PAUL RUDD WHO'S FROM WHERE,
KANSAS CITY.
THE NEXT FOUR SONGS CONTAIN
EXACTLY 49 LETTERS PLUS E-R-S,
49ers.
IT WILL BE KARMA FOR SWEET
NOTHING, AKA, BIDEN'S BRAIN,
THAT THE MASTERMIND BEHIND IT
ALL WILL OF COURSE BE BARACK
HUSSEIN OBAMA.
THAT ALL ADDS UP TO, BING, BING,
BING, BONG, ANOTHER STOLEN
ELECTION, TAYLOR'S VERSION.
>> MY GOD.
I WAS SKEPTICAL AT FIRST, BUT
NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
>> OUR NEXT QUESTION COMES FROM
SOMEONE WHO SAYS HE REALLY,
REALLY LIKES PRESIDENT TRUMP
TIMES A MILLION.
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR, TIM
SCOTT.
>> HEY, DONALD, IT'S ME.
YOUR BEST FRIEND, TIM SCOTT.
I FLEW ALL THE WAY TO NEW
HAMPSHIRE TO ENDORSE YOU.
REMEMBER?
>> VAGUELY.
>> I DON'T HAVE A QUESTION.
I HAVE A STATEMENT.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY YOU ARE THE
BESTEST MOST HANDSOMEST
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE I'VE EVER
SEEN.
I LOOK AT YOU AND THINK, IS THAT
HOT LINCOLN?
>> THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH EVEN FOR
ME.
TIM SCOTT, EVERYBODY.
HE'S A LOT LIKE SCOTT TOILET
PAPER.
THERE'S NOT MUCH THERE, YOU CAN
SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT, BUT IT'S
BETTER THAN NOTHING.
>> OKAY.
OUR NEXT QUESTION COMES FROM
SOMEONE WHO DESCRIBES HERSELF AS
A CONCERNED SOUTH CAROLINA
VOTER.
>> YES.
HELLO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
MY QUESTION IS WHY WON'T YOU
DEBATE NIKKI HALEY?
>> OH, MY GOD.
IT'S HER.
THE WOMAN WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF
SECURITY ON JANUARY 6th.
IT'S NANCY PELOSI.
>> FOR THE 100th TIME, THAT IS
NOT NANCY PELOSI.
IT IS NIKKI HALEY.
>> ARE YOU DOING OKAY, DONALD?
YOU MIGHT NEED A MENTAL
COMPETENCY TEST.
>> I TOOK THE TEST AND I ACED
IT.
PERFECT SCORE.
THEY SAID I'M 100% MENTAL.
I'M CONFIDENT BECAUSE I'M A MAN.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER
RUN OUR ECONOMY.
WOMEN SHOULD NEVER RUN OUR
COUNTRY.
A WOMAN I KNOW ASKED ME FOR
$83.3 MILLION.
>> AND YOU SPENT $50 MILLION IN
YOUR OWN LEGAL FEES.
DO YOU NEED TO BORROW SOME
MONEY?
>> OH, NIKKI, DON'T DO THIS.
NIKKI, DON'T LOSE THAT NUMBER.
NIKKI HALEY JOEL OSMENT WE CALL
HER.
REMEMBER THE SIXTH SENSE?
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
>> THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY
IF THEY SEE YOU AND JOE ON THE
BALLOT.
>> THAT'S NOT VERY NICE, NIKKI.
IT'S NOT NICE.
AND I'M ALWAYS VERY NICE TO YOU
EXCEPT FOR WHEN I'M IMPLYING YOU
WEREN'T BORN IN THIS COUNTRY,
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FROM SOUTH
CAROLINA AND NOW I'M GOING TO
BEAT YOU IN YOUR STATE.
>> AND DID YOU WIN YOUR HOME
STATE IN THE LAST ELECTION?
>> I WON STATEN ISLAND AND THE
PARTS OF LONG ISLAND WHERE THE
FIST FIGHTS HAPPEN, WHERE THEY
GET OUT OF THE CARS IF YOU HONK
AT THEM.
I LOVE MY WORLD STAR WHITES.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THAT IS A NEW ONE ON ME.
OKAY.
WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE
QUESTION, AND IT'S ACTUALLY FOR
AMBASSADOR HALEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I WAS JUST CURIOUS, WHAT
WOULD YOU SAY WAS THE MAIN CAUSE
OF THE CIVIL WAR, AND DO YOU
THINK IT STARTS WITH AN S AND
ENDS WITH A LAVERY?
>> YEP.
I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT
THE FIRST TIME, AND LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- JENNIFER LOPEZ. AND YOUR HOST -- AYO EDEBIRI. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AYO
EDEBIRI!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
MY NAME IS AYO EDEBIRI, AND I AM
SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
SNL MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
THIS REALLY IS A DREAM COME
TRUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BOSTON,
WHICH MAKES ME THE FIRST BLACK
WOMAN TO EVER ADMIT THAT.
YEAH.
THREE DAYS INTO FEBRUARY, AND
I'M ALREADY MAKING BLACK
HISTORY.
BUT I WAS RAISED IN BOSTON BY AN
IMMIGRANT FAMILY.
WE ARE BOTH AFRICAN AND
CARIBBEAN, SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS, I'M IN THERAPY.
THERE WERE A LOT OF HIGH
EXPECTATIONS FOR ALL OF US.
A LOT OF MY COUSINS ARE DOCTORS
AND LAWYERS AND PROFESSORS, SO
WHILE THEY WERE BUSY SAVING
LIVES AND TEACHING CHILDREN, I
WAS DOING SOMETHING EQUALLY
NOTABLE, STANDUP ECONOMIC SHOWS
IN THE BACK OF LAUND RO MATS.
BUT NOW I'M PROUD TO SAY I'M THE
COUSIN WHO MADE THE BIGGEST
TURNAROUND, AND NO MATTER WHAT
HAPPENS, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE
APPROVAL OF ALL NIGERIAN AUNTS
AND UNCLED ON WHAT'S APP.
SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM A
SHOW CALLED THE BEAR.
IT'S ABOUT THE KITCHEN STAFF AT
A CHICAGO RESTAURANT.
AND IT'S SUCH A FUN SHOW TO WORK
ON.
BUT WHEN I GOT CAST, I WAS TOLD
THERE WAS GOING TO BE A LOT OF
RESEARCH.
BEFORE SHOOTING THE FIRST
SEASON, WE ALL HAD TO WORK IN
ACTUAL RESTAURANTS SO WE COULD
CAPTURE THAT KITCHEN ENERGY.
WHEN PEOPLE SAW MY COSTAR JEREMY
ALLEN WHITE WORKING IN A
RESTAURANT, THEY THOUGHT, HE
MUST BE PREPARING FOR A ROLE, SO
METHOD.
WHEN THEY SAW ME, THEY WOULD BE
LIKE, HOW MUCH LONGER FOR MY
TILAPIA.
BEFORE ALL THIS, I WAS A STANDUP
COMIC IN NEW YORK CITY.
FIRST EVER ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR
OPEN MICS.
BUT I REALLY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO
THE SHOW, AND I JUST HAD SO MANY
IDEAS.
I ACTUALLY ONCE WROTE A PACT,
BUT I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE
NERVE TO SUBMIT IT AND I PRINTED
IT OUT.
IS IT OKAY IF I SHARE SOME
STUFF?
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TAKING ME BACK.
YEAH.
THIS ONE, I SEE RIGHT HERE.
YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SKETCH BLACK
JEOPARDY?
SO I WANTED TO DO A SKETCH
CALLED WHITE JEOPARDY WHICH
DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE IT WAS JUST
WHITE PEOPLE PLAYING JEOPARDY.
AND THIS ONE, JUST -- I LOVE A
CHARACTER WITH A CATCH PHRASE,
YOU KNOW, LIKE CATCH PHRASES
WORK BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN SAY
THEM AND GET A BIG REACTION, AND
THIS ONE WAS HOP ON TO IT NOW.
IT'S NOT BAD.
IT'S NOT THE WORST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ANYONE CAN SAY IT, A CAST
MEMBER, A HOST.
JUST IMAGINE KENAN BEING LIKE,
HOP ON TO IT NOW, YOU KNOW?
OR THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND JUST
BEING LIKE, HOP ON TO IT NOW.
TRADE MARKING THAT TONIGHT.
OKAY.
YEAH, I THINK WE'RE DONE WITH
THIS.
BURN IT.
GENUINELY, I AM SO EXCITED FOR
TONIGHT.
I CAME UP IN THE NEW YORK COMEDY
SCENE WITH SOME OF MY BEST
FRIENDS WHO I AM SO BLESSED TO
BE WORKING WITH HERE TONIGHT,
AND IT REALLY TRULY FEELS LIKE A
HOMECOMING, AND I THINK I'VE
BEEN UP HERE LONG ENOUGH, SO
THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE THING TO
SAY.
LET'S HOP ON TO IT NOW.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
>>> IT'S THE GAME SHOW EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT. IT'S WHY'D YOU SAY IT WITH YOUR
HOST, DANNY DONNIGAN.
>> HEY, THERE.
WELCOME TO WHY'D YOU SAY IT.
TONIGHT'S CONTESTANTS ARE DANNY.
>> HEY THERE.
>> TYLER.
>> WHAT'S UP, WORLD?
>> AND ANNIE.
>> HI, DANNY.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS GAME IS,
BUT I'M EXCITED TO PLAY.
>> WELL, THE GAME IS EASY.
WE SHOW YOU A COMMENT YOU LEFT
ON INSTAGRAM AND ASK YOU THE
SIMPLE QUESTION, WHY'D YOU SAY
IT.
>> OH.
NO THANK YOU.
>> AS USUAL, ONE CONTESTANT HAS
LEFT IMMEDIATELY.
LET'S BRING IN OUR BACKUP
CONTESTANT JENNY.
>> HEY.
EXCITED TO PLAY.
WHAT'S THIS GAME?
>> YOU'LL FIND OUT.
ALL RIGHT, ANNIE, LET'S START
WITH YOU.
>> DO I HAVE TO?
>> YES!
OKAY.
DREW BARRYMORE PREVIOUSLY AND
FAMOUSLY POSTED THIS VIDEO ON
HER INSTAGRAM.
>> WHENEVER YOU CAN GO OUT INTO
THE RAIN, DO NOT MISS THE
OPPORTUNITY!
>> JUST A SWEET WOMAN ENJOYING
THE RAIN.
AND YOU COMMENTED, DIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO WHY'D YOU SAY IT?
>> UM, I MEANT DIE, LIKE I'M
DYING.
I LOVE THIS VID SO MUCH
[ BUZZER ]
I MEANT SLAY, BUT I FORGOT THE
WORD
[ BUZZER ]
I SAW SOMEONE BEING HAPPY AND
WANTED THEM TO FEEL THE EXACT
OPPOSITE.
>> THAT'S CLOSE BUT IT'S NOT THE
FULL ANSWER.
>> I'M ALONE A LOT.
SOME DAYS, I DON'T EVEN INTERACT
WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AND I
START WONDERING AM I DEAD, IS
LIFE REAL, SO I POST COMMENTED
THAT I THINK WILL GET A RESPONSE
FROM SOMEONE BECAUSE THAT'S THE
ONLY WAY TO BE CERTAIN I'M
ALIVE.
[ DINGING ]
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
>> I REALLY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THIS SHOW WAS WHEN I SIGNED
UP FOR IT.
>> THEN DON'T SIGN UP FOR STUFF.
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT UP IS TYLER.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO GO HOME
PLEASE.
>> YOU CAN'T.
RECENTLY, AOC POSTED A PICTURE
WITH A CAPTION EVERY AMERICAN
SHOULD BE ELIGIBLE FOR HEALTH
CARE.
YOU COMMENTED, HOT FOR CONGRESS,
BUT AT A PARTY.
MID.
STILL SMASH THOUGH.
SO THE QUESTION IS WHY'D YOU SAY
IT?
>> I GOT HACKED.
[ BUZZER ]
INSTAGRAM GOT HACKED
[ BUZZER ]
MY ASS TYPED IT ON A BUMPY BUS
[ BUZZER ]
I GUESS I THOUGHT SHE WOULD SEE
MY COMMENT AND SHE WOULD COMMENT
BACK, AND WE WOULD GET INTO A
FIGHT THAT GETS REALLY HEATED,
FIRST SHE SLAPS ME AND THEN
KISSES ME AND BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, WE'RE HAVING SEX
[ DINGING ]
>> AND YOUR WIFE IS IN THE
AUDIENCE HERE TODAY.
>> NO, SHE'S NOT.
>> YOU CAN TRY TO MANIFEST ALL
YOU WANT, BUT IT DOESN'T CHANGE
THAT SHE'S HERE.
>> YOU TOLD ME YOU DON'T HAVE AN
INSTAGRAM.
>> YOUR NOT REAL, AND NONE OF
THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME.
>> WOW.
SAD.
MOVING ON.
JENNY, CNN POSTED A NEWS STORY
OF A NEW YORK FACTORY EXPLODING.
YOU COMMENTED, SO AWFUL, MOVE ME
TO WRITE THIS SONG WITH A
NONWORKING LINK TO A SONG TITLED
"THE JAGER MADE ME DO IT."
SO THE QUESTION IS, WHY'D YOU
SAY IT?
>> I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP
PEOPLE COPE WITH THE TRAGEDY.
[ BUZZER ]
I THOUGHT IT WOULD PROVIDE
CLOSURE
[ BUZZER ]
MY SONG HAS AN IMPORTANT
MESSAGE.
>> LET ME PLAY A SNIPPET.
♪ WASN'T GONNA DO IT, BUT THE
JAGER MADE ME DO IT ♪
>> WHY'D YOU SAY IT?
>> I'M THREE DAYS FROM HAVING TO
MOVE BACK TO OHIO BECAUSE I
SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY RECORDING
THE JAGER MADE ME DO IT, AND IT
HAS 279 VIEWS ON YOUTUBE, AND
THE ONLY COMMENT IS, WOULD
SMASH.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME BY THE WAY.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
WE GET IT.
IT'S WRONG TO LEAVE MEAN
COMMENTS OR POST COMMENTS JUST
FOR CLOUT OR RUN YOUR MOUTH ON A
PODCAST AND YOU DON'T CONSIDER
THE IMPACT BECAUSE YOU'RE 24 AND
STUPID, BUT I THINK I SPEAK FOR
EVERYONE WHEN I SAY FROM NOW ON,
WE'RE GOING TO BE A LOT MORE
THOUGHTFUL ABOUT WHAT WE POST
ONLINE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AW.
THAT'S SWEET.
IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID IF TWO
MINUTES AGO, YOU DIDN'T POST
THIS COMMENT ON MY PERSONAL
INSTAGRAM UNDER THIS PHOTO OF ME
AND MY 3-YEAR-OLD SON.
YOU WROTE, WHAT DISEASE HE HAVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I CANNOT CHANGE.
[ DINGING ]
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
ALL RIGHT.
AFTER THE BREAK, IT'S ROUND TWO.
WHY DID YOU COMMENT COOL UNDER A
MOVIE TRAILER WHEN YOU COULD
HAVE JUST SMILED TO YOURSELF?
>>> HEY, BRADY. >> HEY. >> ARE YOU GONNA BE AROUND AFTER
SCHOOL?
>> DEFINITELY.
>> COOL.
ME TOO.
>> GABBY IS SO CUTE.
>> SERIOUSLY, BRO.
>> I KNOW.
LOOK, CAN I TELL YOU GUYS
SOMETHING?
>> YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> SO MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT
OF TOWN TONIGHT, WHICH MEANS I'M
GOING TO HAVE THE HOUSE TO
MYSELF.
>> WAIT.
DOES THAT MEAN --
>> I THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
TONIGHT.
FOR REAL.
♪ I'VE BEEN READY FOR THIS
MOMENT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME,
AND IT'S HAPPENING TONIGHT ♪
♪ BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE
SPECIAL, AND NOW THAT I'VE FOUND
IT, IT FINALLY FEELS SO RIGHT ♪
♪ 'CUZ I'M A GENTLE TEENAGE BOY
WITH AN INNOCENT HEART BUT YOU
FOUND A WAY TO TOUCH IT ♪
♪ AND NOW THAT MY PARENTS ARE
GONE, I'M GONNA LOSE MY
VIRGINITY TO THE DUNE POPCORN
BUCKET ♪
♪ OH, PLAY MY HEART STRINGS JUST
LIKE A FIDDLE, OH, OH ♪
♪ AND I'M NOT SCARED OF THE
TEETH IN THE MIDDLE ♪
♪ DAD, I'M SORRY, I DON'T LIKE
BOYS, I LIKE THE DUNE POPCORN
BUCKET, BUCKET, BUCKET ♪
>> WAIT, WHAT?
♪ AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY
GRADES ANYMORE, JUST WANT THAT
DUNE POPCORN BUCKET, BUCKET,
BUCKET ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, LITTLE BIT OF
BUTTER MAKES IT FEEL SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, GETTING IT UP
TO THE SHAI-HUMUD ♪
♪ AROUND THE WORLD, CHILDREN
WILL BUY THIS, THAT DUNE POPCORN
BUCKET ♪
♪ WE DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP, THIS
IS A REAL THING, CAN'T WAIT TO
SEE DUNE 2 ♪
♪ EATING POPCORN OUT OF MY
BUCKET, THEN I'LL TAKE IT HOME
AND [ BLEEP ] IT ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> I KNEW GRAD SCHOOL WAS GOING
TO BE TOUGH, BUT NO ONE SAID IT
WAS GOING TO BE PAINFUL.
MY BACKPACK SO SO HEAVY.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN AS
MY BACKPACK FALLS OFF FROM THE
PAIN.
>> IT WAS SO NICE FOR PROFESSOR
COLLIN TO ASSIGN DOUBLE READING
THIS WEEK.
>> REMEMBER HAVING A LIFE?
>> NO.
WHAT'S THIS LIFE YOU SPEAK OF?
>> HILARIOUS, DOUGLAS.
ZACHARY'S NOT STRESSED AT ALL.
>> I GAVE MYSELF A TREAT BEFORE
A WEEKEND IN THE TRENCHES.
TROY GAVE ME A SHROOM AND I HALF
DOSED.
NEVER DONE IT BEFORE, AND THE
HYPE IS REAL.
>> YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
>> NO.
I TOOK A LITTLE PIECE RIGHT
AFTER GREEK LIT DISCUSSION.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE HIGH!
>> I WOULD SAY MORE RELAXED.
WHAT'S THE ISSUE?
>> UM, YOU'RE HIGH ON DRUGS!
DON'T YOU HAVE TO DRIVE
TOMORROW?
>> I ATE A CHUNK OF A MUSHROOM.
I'M NOT OUT HERE SHOOTING UP
HEROIN.
>> THAT MIGHT RAISE AN EYEBROW
OR TWO.
>> IT'S NOT FUNNY, LUCAS!
>> HEY, DUDE, IT'S NOT A BIG --
>> DON'T TOUCH ME!
>> KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.
HE'S TWEAKING!
>> YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE ONLY
TIME I'VE EVER DONE DRUGS SINCE
I TOOK LIKE HALF A MOLLY IN HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> SO YOU'RE RELAPSING.
>> COME ON, LET'S GO TO CAMPUS
MEDICAL SERVICES.
THEY HAVE RESOURCES THERE TO
HELP YOU GET CLEAN.
>> YOU GUYS, HE DOESN'T NEED
HELP.
>> YEAH, UNTIL HE ODs ON MICRO
DOSES.
>> YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY IT.
>> OH, REALLY?
ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING REALLY
HIGH OFF THIS NEW CRAZY DRUG
CALLED PLAYING A SPORT I ENJOY.
UP TOP.
PICKLE BALL DOUBLES WITH MY
MOM'S BEST FRIEND PATTY.
>> HEY, ZACHARY, LOOK, I FOUND
THE PLACE YOUR LIFE IS GOING, IN
THE GARBAGE.
>> I DID NOT KNOW HOW STRAIGHT
EDGED YOU GUYS WERE.
>> I WOULD RATHER BE STRAIGHT
EDGED THAN SHARING MUSHROOM
NEEDLES WITH A JUNKY.
>> YEAH.
COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S LEAVE ZACHARY TO DO HIS
DOSES IN PEACE.
GO GRAB A HOT PIZZA PIE AND SOME
FROSTY SODAS.
>> THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
EXTRA CHEESE, PEPPERONI, AND NO
MUSHROOMS.
COME ON, GUYS.
>> COME ON, GUYS.
>> WHY ARE CLAY AND SASHA SO
1990s PSA ABOUT DRUGS?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS THE DARE PROGRAM REALLY
WORKED ON THEM.
>> IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSE THEY
BOTH DRINK EVERY NIGHT.
>> WEIRD.
YOU GUYS WANT ANY SHROOMS FOR
TONIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> YOU GUYS COMING OR --
>> COME ON, GUYS.
>> SO YOU'RE DEALING NOW?
>> YES, CLAY, I BROKE BAD.
I'M UC IRVINE'S EL CHAPO.
>> I'M SORRY ZACHARY, SOME DAY
YOU'LL THANK ME FOR THIS.
OFFICER, HE MICRO DOSED A MUCH
ROOM.
>> BET.
>> WHAT?
>> OFFICER!
>> WHAT?
>> OFFICER, SIR!
ZACHARY, GIVE ME YOUR BAG OF
DRUGS, PLEASE!
>> NO.
>> ZACHARY, WE'RE ONLY GOING TO
ASK YOU THIS NINE MORE TIMES.
GIVE US YOUR BAGGY OF DRUGS
RIGHT NOW!
>> IT'S NOT EVEN A BAGGY.
IT'S A CHOCOLATE BAR.
>> WOW, HE'S SO HIGH, HE THINKS
HIS DRUGS ARE A CHOCOLATE BAR.
MM, YUMMY.
>> YOU ARE SO HIGH, YOU THINK
THIS IS CHOCOLATE.
MM, AND IT'S DISGUSTING TOO.
NOW I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET
THAT HOT PIZZA PIE AND SOME
FROSTY SODAS.
>> YEAH.
AND NO JUNKYS ALLOWED ME THINKS.
COME ON, GUYS.
>> COME ON, GUYS.
>> I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH
THOSE GUYS, BUT I DO THINK WE
SHOULD SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THAT KICKS IN.
>> OH, YEAH.
WAIT UP, GUYS.
>>> GOOD MORNING BIG APPLE. YOU'RE WATCHING NEW YORK MORNING NEWS.
I'M YOUR HOST HANNAH JENNINGS.
>> AND I'M KEITH MICHAELS.
>> OUR TOP STORY TODAY, IT IS
ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> TO GET EVERYONE IN THE MOOD,
WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN WITH OUR
ROMANCE REPORTER DANNY LOVE.
>> WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, MAID IN
MANHATTAN, THE GOD FATHER, SO
MANY ICONIC ROM COMS WERE SET
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.
I'M GOING TO TRY TO GET SOME
MEET CUTES.
HELLO, ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
>> YEAH, TWO YEARS. >> HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?
>> THE FOR REAL STORY?
>> YEAH, SPILL THE TEA.
>> WE WERE BOTH WITH OTHER
PEOPLE AND CHEATED WITH EACH
OTHER.
>> AND I GOT PREGNANT.
>> AND I'M RICH, SO NOW THIS IS
OUR FAMILY.
>> GOOD FOR YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MOVING ON.
HELLO THERE.
HI.
ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> TELL ME, HOW WAS YOUR ROMANCE
FIRST STARTED?
NEIGHBORS, CUPID, TINDER?
>> HE WAS MY PROFESSOR, AND MY
DAD HAD JUST DIED.
>> WOW.
OKAY.
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
HELLO YOU TWO, HI.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE EACH
OTHER.
>> LIKE?
I WOULD LITERALLY PERISH WITHOUT
HIM.
>> NOBODY MAKES ME LAUGH LIKE
HER.
>> HE'S THE BEST PART OF MY DAY.
>> THAT IS CUTE CUTE AS HELL.
HOW DID YOU START DATING?
>> WE AREN'T DATING.
WE WORK TOGETHER.
>> BUT WE TEXT EVERY DAY.
>> AND WE HAVE SEX AS WELL.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LOOKING FOR A NORMAL LOVE STORY.
HOW ABOUT YOU TWO?
ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE?
>> THIS IS MY SISTER.
I'M KIDDING.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND -- AS WELL.
>> WHAT?
NO.
GO.
NO.
VIEWERS AT HOME, FIND HIS JOB
AND TELL THEM.
OH, HELLO.
LOOK AT YOU TWO.
OH, YOU GUYS LOOK VERY CUTE AND
HOPEFULLY NORMAL.
ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
>> YOU BET.
AND WE FALL MORE AND MORE IN
LOVE EVERY SINGLE DAY, WHICH IS
CRAZY BECAUSE WHEN WE MET WE
DIDN'T EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER AT
ALL.
>> WAS THIS ONE OF THOSE
SITUATIONS WHERE YOU HAVE TO
PRETEND TO BE EACH OTHER'S
WEDDING DATES EVEN THOUGH YOU
HATE EACH OTHER?
>> KIND OF.
OUR MARRIAGE WAS ARRANGED BY OUR
LEADER.
HE POINTED AT US AND SAID YOU
TWO ARE MARRIED NOW.
>> NO.
NO THANK YOU.
I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I FIND
SOMEONE SWEET.
HELLO.
HI.
ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE?
>> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> OKAY.
AND WHAT KEEPS YOU GUYS
TOGETHER?
>> THE RENT.
THE RENT AMOUNT.
>> JESUS.
NO.
YOU CAN GO.
ALL RIGHT.
SCARED TO TALK TO YOU TWO.
ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
>> YEAH.
LOOK, HE JUST BOUGHT ME THIS.
>> GREAT.
AND HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?
>> PASS.
>> OKAY.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CALL THIS
OFF.
OH, HELLO.
YOU AGAIN.
HI!
>> AGAIN?
HI THERE.
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
>> I'M JUST INTERVIEWING
COUPLES, AND I JUST TALKED TO
HER.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> NO.
YOU WERE JUST --
>> NO.
MY HUSBAND AND I ARE JUST
WALKING BY HERE FOR THIS VERY
FIRST TIME TODAY.
>> YES.
I AGREE.
SO YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED.
>> OH, HAPPILY.
WE WENT THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH,
BUT LATELY, SHE'S HAD A SPRING
IN HER STEP, AND I'M FEELING
PRETTY GOOD.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU RIGHT NOW
ONLY.
>> GREAT.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.
WELL, I GUESS NO ONE HAS MEET
CUTES ANYMORE AND LOVE IS DEAD.
OH.
SORRY.
>> I'M SO SORRY.
>> IT'S OKAY.
I'M JUST DOING A SEGMENT ON
DATING.
IT'S NOT GOING GREAT.
>> I MEAN, DATING IS SO HARD
NOWADAYS.
YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING TO
FEEL --
>> ORGANIC.
>> WOW.
LOOKS LIKE WE WITNESSED A MEET
CUTE HAPPEN BEFORE OUR EYES.
>> AND THAT MAN IS MY HUSBAND.
DAMN IT!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JENNIFER LOPEZ. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ I JUST WANNA
I JUST FEEL LIKE
EVERY TIME I SEE IT'S LIKE
OOH HEY ♪
♪ I FEEL LIKE
STARTIN' SOMETHING
YOU GOT MY ENGINE RUNNIN' ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE KEYS
TO TURN ME ON AND ON
YOU GOT ME ACCELERATIN'
I WANT TO CELEBRATE IT ♪
♪ CAN'T NOTHING
TAKE ME OUT MY ZONE
IT'S ON ♪
♪ WHEN IT FEELS RIGHT
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
IS THIS REAL LIFE
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE ♪
♪ TAKE ME ALL NIGHT
I CAN FEEL
THE PASSION IN YOUR EYES ♪
♪ I'M STILL
IN LOVE WITH YOU
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ I LOVE THAT
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
YOU LOVE THAT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
GIVE ME ALL THAT
CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
I LOVE THAT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
YOU LOVE THAT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
GIVE ME ALL THAT
CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU ♪
♪ I'M STILL IN LOVE
WITH YOU BOY
I JUST WANNA ♪
♪ I JUST FEEL LIKE
EVERY TIME I SEE YA
IT'S LIKE OH HEY
BIG LATTO ♪
♪ CALL THE DOCTOR
I DON'T SEE NOBODY BUT YOU
YOU
DO I STILL LOVE YOU ♪
♪ BABY IS THE SKY BLUE
BLUE
SPOIL A DOWN
AND HE FAITHFUL TO ME TOO ♪
♪ TOO
YOU KNOW YOU THE REASON
WHY THEY HATIN' ON ME BOO
BOO ♪
♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH
LIKE LET ME GET SOME MO'
MO' ♪
♪ YOU KNOW
WHEN IT COME TO ME
HE LOVE TO DO THE MOST
MOST ♪
♪ I AIN'T SCARED OF GHOSTS
HE BOUGHT ME ONE OF THOSE
KEEP 'EM OUT OUR BUSINESS
I AIN'T TRYNA POST ♪
♪ LIKE IS IT TOO GOOD
TO BE TRUE
HUH
HE ROMANTIC BUT STREET TOO ♪
♪ HUH
DROP A BAG ON A WHAT
PUT THEM M'S ON MY ASS
LIKE EVISU ♪
♪ YEAH I LOVE THAT SHIT
I LOVE IT
THROWIN' UP GANG
SO THEY KNOW I'M HIS CHICK ♪
♪ THAT'S BOO DADDY
DADDY
HE DO ANYTHING
TO KEEP HIS BOO HAPPY ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
I LOVE THAT
LET'S DANCE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
YOU KNOW THAT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
GIVE ME ALL THAT
CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
GIVE ME ALL THAT
CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU ♪
♪ I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
BOY
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT THIS GIRL
I TELL 'EM
TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT ♪
♪ SHUT THE PLACE DOWN
IN A NEW YORK MINUTE
SALUTE THE LIEUTENANT
LOOK AROUND THE ROOM ♪
♪ JLO THEY ALL MAD
SEASONED VETERANS
CHECK THE DOG TAGS LIKE YO
OUNCE OF BUD ♪
♪ UP IN THE HOOKAH
THICK CHICK HIDE
MY GUN UP IN THE FOOPA
BACK MY BUDDHA ♪
♪ AND THAT'S BEEN THE BRICKS
HATERS TAKE SHOTS
BUT IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST
ME AND JLO ♪
♪ STRAIGHT FROM THE BLOCK
CAUSE WE BE TO RAP
LIKE BIGGIE AND PAC
WHAT YOU DOIN ♪
♪ WHAT WE DOIN
GIVE IT UP
ONE NIGHT OF ME BABY
AND YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ AND WHEN I SLIDE IN
TURN IT UP
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT GIRL
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
EVERYBODY COME ON ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
EVERYBODY
PUT YOUR HANDS UP ♪
♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
♪ YOU KNOW THAT GIRL
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
EVERYBODY COME ON ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH
HEY
PUT YOUR HANDS UP ♪
♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU
LET'S GO
WILD THE HELL OUT
ACT THE HELL OUT ♪
♪ WILD THE -- OUT
ACT THE -- OUT
WILD THE -- OUT
ACT THE -- OUT ♪
I'M STILL IN LOVE
I JUST NEVER
GET ENOUGH OF YOU ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, JUST HOURS AGO, PRESIDENT
BIDEN WON THE SOUTH CAROLINA
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY BARELY EDGING
OUT HIS CLOSEST RIVAL, TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS YOU MAY HAVE SEEN ON YOUR
AUNT'S FACEBOOK, MANY MAGA
PERSONALS ARE CLAIMING THE SUPER
BOWL IS BEING RIGGED SO KANSAS
CITY WINS AND TAYLOR SWIFT CAN
COME ON THE FIELD WITH TRAVIS
KELCE AND ENDORSE JOE BIDEN.
MAGA PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH TO KEEP
TRACK OF, YOU HAVE TO HATE THE
NFL, TAYLOR SWIFT, BUD LIGHT,
DISNEY, KRISTEN STEWART FOR SOME
REASON, ELECTRIC STOVES, WIND
MILLS, THE CONCEPT OF RAINBOWS,
AND THE GREEN M&M, AND YOU HAVE
TO THINK EVERYBODY IN THE
GOVERNMENT IS A SECRET
PEDESTRIAN FILE EXCEPT FOR THIS
GUY DANCING WITH JEFFREY
EPSTEIN.
I MEAN, ISN'T THAT THE HAPPIEST
YOU'VE EVER SEEN TRUMP?
HE'S DANCING LIKE NOBODY'S
CHECKING IDs.
>> HEY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A DRASTIC
CHANGE IN HIS IMMIGRATION POLICY
SAYING HE WOULD BE WILLING TO
SHUT DOWN THE BORDER IF GIVEN
THE POWER BY CONGRESS.
IT'S THE KIND OF UNEXPECTED
SHIFT IN DIRECTION BIDEN USUALLY
ONLY MAKES IN THE MIDDLE OF A
SENTENCE.
THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN IS TRYING TO
APPEAL TO TO BLACK VOTERS.
IT'S GETTING SO BAD, HE NOW ONLY
HAS SUPPORT FROM OBAMA'S WHITE
HALF.
DID YOU GUYS ALL FORGET?
>> IN SOME GREAT ECONOMIC NEWS
FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN, U.S. OIL
PRODUCTION HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH
THIS WEEK, AND THE ECONOMY ADDED
A SURPRISINGLY ROBUST 350,000
JOBS.
OR AS FOX NEWS REPORTED IT, ARE
MIGRANTS TURNING YOUR KIDS
TRANS?
CAMPAIGN FINANCE RECORDS SHOW IN
THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THE SUPER
PACK BEHIND DONALD TRUMP SPENT
$50 MILLION ON LEGAL FEES, AND
THAT'S WITH THE CHEAPEST WORST
LAWYERS OPT PLANET.
CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING 50
MILLION ON THE PEOPLE WHO JUST
LOST YOU 83 MILLION?
THIS LAWYER DID SUCH A BAD JOB,
I THOUGHT HER ACTUAL NAME WAS
OVERRULED SIT DOWN.
>> NIKKI HALEY HAS LAUNCHED A
SERIES OF CAMPAIGN ADS TARGETING
TRUMP AND BIDEN CALLED GRUMPY
OLD MEN.
OKAY.
BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE MEN.
CHICAGO BECAME THE LARGEST U.S.
CITY TO CALL FOR A CEASE-FIRE IN
GAZA, AND IN RETURN, GAZA CALLED
FOR A CEASE-FIRE IN CHICAGO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE FCC IS PREPARING TO
CRIMINALIZE UNSOLICITED ROW BOW
CALLED THAT USE AI TO
IMPERSONATE POLITICIANS.
YOU CAN STILL IMPERSONATE TED
CRUZ BY SHAVING A SLOTH'S FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BLACK HISTORY MONTH STARTED
AN THURSDAY.
20 MINUTES LATE.
DURING A SENATE HEARING --
[ LAUGHTER ]
DURING A SENATE HEARING ON CHILD
SAFETY ONLINE META CEO MARK
ZUCKERBERG TURNED TO THE
AUDIENCE AND APOLOGIZED TO
FAMILIES OF CHILDREN HARMED BY
SOCIAL MEDIA.
THE FAMILY SAID THEY WERE
SURPRISED AND, QUOTE, CHILLED TO
THE BONE.
THAT'S A HORRIFYING MAN.
>> NBC HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR A
SPINOFF OF SUITS.
IT WILL FOCUS ON MEGHAN MARKLE'S
STRUGGLE TO BALANCE HER LEGAL
CAREER WHILE ALSO CARING FOR AN
UNEMPLOYED IMMIGRANT.
>> I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT ONE.
A PIZZA HUT IN CANADA HAS GONE
VIRAL AFTER EMPLOYEES POSTED A
SIGN ON THE DOOR EXPLAINING THE
LOCATION WAS CLOSED DUE TO
UNFORESEEN CIRCUMCISIONS.
IT WAS OBVIOUSLY A MISPRINT
BECAUSE PIZZA HUT LOVES EXTRA
TOPPINGS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> A RACEHORSE IN OHIO WHICH HAD
WON A RACE EARLIER IN THE DAY
LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR METH.
OHIO, WHERE YOU HAVE TO TEST
HORSES FOR METH.
>> POLICE IN KANSAS FOUND A
STOLEN STATUE HONORING JACKIE
ROBINSON BUT SAY THAT IT WAS
DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR.
ALSO POLICE SHOT IT BECAUSE IT
REFUSED TO DROP THE BAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LIKE THIS CROWD A LOT, MAN.
>> A FAMILY IN MICHIGAN WHOSE
DUCK LOST ITS MATE PLACED A
PERSONAL AD ONLINE TO FIND THE
BIRD A NEW PARTNER, AND IN A
LOVING ACT OF UNDERSTANDING,
THEY EVEN SPECIFIED, POWER
BOTTOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> A WOMAN IN UTAH WHO GAVE
BIRTH TO HER EIGHTH CHILD JUST
TWO WEEKS AGO IS COMPETING IN
THE MRS. WORLD BEAUTY PAGEANT.
I GUESS SHE JUST CAN'T GET
ENOUGH CROWNING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME
HOW TO GET TICKETS FOR SNL, AND
ONE OF THE WAYS IS THROUGH THE
TICKET LOTTERY.
HERE TO COMMENT ON HIS
EXPERIENCE WINNING A TICKET TO
THE SHOW IS 18-YEAR-OLD
C.J.ROSSITANO.
>> HI, COLIN.
I'M SUCH A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW.
IN FACT, YOU COULD SAY I'VE
ALWAYS FELT STRANGELY DRAWN TO
IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING.
ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR MOM AND
DAD?
>> I WISH.
I NEVER MET MY DAD.
OR AT LEAST I DON'T THINK I
HAVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, WOW.
WOW.
YEAH.
I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
>> BUT IT'S SUCH AN HONOR TO BE
HERE, MR. COLIN, AND IT'S SO
CLOSE BY.
ME AND MY MOM LIVE RIGHT OVER ON
47th AND FIFTH.
>> OH, WOW.
THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S WHERE MY FORMER
HOUSEKEEPER LIVED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT A COINCIDENCE, COLIN, MY
MOM'S A FORMER HOUSEKEEPER.
♪ AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE
AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY
BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON ♪
>> SO YOUR DAD'S NOT IN THE
PICTURE?
>> NOPE.
MY MAMA NEVER EVEN TOLD ME HIS
NAME.
SHE JUST SAID HE WAS KNOWN AS EL
DIABLO DE LOS HAMPTONS.
>> WOW.
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE SOUNDS MISUNDERSTOOD.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
MY DADDY, MR. COLIN EXCEPT THAT
MY MAMA SAID THAT HE HAS AN
UNUSUAL PENIS JUST LIKE MINE.
>> UNUSUAL HOW?
>> SMALL AND CURLY, LIKE A PIG'S
TAIL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH.
I'VE HEARD IT'S CALLED A PORCINE
PENILE ADAPTATION, AND IT'S
ACTUALLY REALLY COMMON.
ONE OUT OF EVERY 4 BILLION
PEOPLE HAVE IT.
>> SO TWO PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE
WORLD?
♪ AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE
AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY
BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON ♪
>> MY MOM SAYS I'M GETTING MORE
AND MORE LIKE MY DADDY EVERY
DAY.
I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE A
PHONE ANYMORE BECAUSE I WAS
TAKING TOO MANY UPSKIRT PHOTOS.
I'VE HAD SOME LUCK TOO, LIKE I'M
DATING THIS GORGEOUS GIRL WHO'S
THE LEAD ACTRESS IN ALL THE
SCHOOL PLAYS, AND NO ONE CAN
FIGURE OUT WHY HE'S WITH ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPEN
TO YOU, COLIN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOPE.
>> GOSH, COLIN, DON'T YOU
SOMETIMES JUST FEEL LIKE --
>> YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE
ELSE?
AND THERE'S NO REASON TO FEEL
THAT WAY?
♪ AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE
AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY
BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON ♪
>> ANYWAY, THANKS FOR THE
TICKETS, COLIN.
I LOVE THE SHOW, ESPECIALLY THAT
SARAH SHERMAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY, LISTEN, SHE MAY BE WAY TOO
LOUD, BUT AFTER SHE BLOWS THAT
ONE LINE IN A SKETCH, I LOVE
WATCHING HER WALK THAT DUMP
TRUCK ASS OUT THE STUDIO.
>> FAVORITE VIEW IN THE CITY,
AMIGO.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN GREAT HAVING
YOU, SON -- I MEAN.
>> DAD?
WAIT, ON THE COUNT OF THREE,
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD.
ONE, TWO, THREE --
>> COCAINE.
>> PAPA?
♪ AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE
AND THE SILVER SPOON ♪
>> MY SON, EVERYONE!
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M C
>>> WELCOME BACK TO TRIVIA QUEST WHERE CONTESTANTS CAN WIN UP TO $50,000.
SO FAR, JEFF'S IN THE LEAD.
BEFORE WE START THE NEXT ROUND,
LET'S GET TO KNOW OUR
CONTESTANTS.
MS. AMY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO WITH THE PRIZE MONEY IF YOU
WIN?
>> WELL, WE NEVER GOT THE
HONEYMOON WE DESERVE, SO WHEN I
WIN THIS MONEY, WE'RE GOING TO
SPEND THE SUMMER VISITING
FRANCE.
>> WELL, BONN VOYAGE.
NAOMI, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
>> WELL, I RECENTLY GRADUATED
FROM SPELLMAN COLLEGE.
>> YOU WENT TO SPELLMAN?
ME TOO!
CLASS OF '08, AND IT WAS NOT
CHEAP.
SO YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW CRAZY
THOSE STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS ARE.
>> DO NOT GET ME STARTED.
AND I DON'T USE THAT DEGREE.
I DO THIS.
>> IF SALLY MAE CALL MY PHONE
ONE MORE TIME --
>> SALLY MAY GET HER ASS BEAT.
>> THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO WIN
THIS MONEY, PAY OFF THESE LOANS,
AND LIVE MY BEST LIFE.
>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
HOPE YOU WIN, GIRL.
AND FINALLY, JEFF, WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO WITH THAT MONEY IF
YOU WIN?
>> WELL, ANGIE, I'VE ALWAYS
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE PRETTY NEAT
TO OWN A SPORT FISHING BOAT.
>> OKAY.
>> I'M SORRY, GIRL, I CAN'T.
SPORT FISHING BOAT.
>> RIGHT.
WHY HE AIN'T JUST SAY BOAT?
YOU CAN FISH ON ANY BOAT!
>> I ALSO HAVE SOME DEBT FROM
ITHACA COLLEGE.
>> THAT'S A COOL STORY, JEFF.
LET'S JUST START THE NEXT ROUND.
OKAY.
VERY FIRST QUESTION HERE.
IN 1993, THIS LEADING MAN WON
THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR
FOR HIS ROLE IN THE MOVIE
PHILADELPHIA.
NAOMI.
>> FOREST GUMP.
>> CORRECT.
100 POINTS.
SALLY JUST MAY BE GETTING A
CHECK.
OKAY?
>> I'M SORRY.
THE ANSWER IS TOM HANKS.
FOREST GUMP IS FROM A DIFFERENT
MOVIE.
>> OKAY.
BUT SAME DIFFERENCE, SO GO AHEAD
AND RELAX, OKAY?
>> YOU CAN'T GIVE HER POINTS FOR
THAT.
>> OH, MY BAD.
SO YOU WANT TO HOST THE SHOW?
BECAUSE I'LL JUST GO HOME, AMY.
>> I'M JUST SAYING --
>> JUST SAYING WHAT?
NEXT QUESTION.
OF THE SEVEN CONTINENTS, WHICH
IS THE LARGEST?
NAOMI?
>> I KNOW THIS.
>> AND, GIRL, I BELIEVE YOU.
100 POINTS.
>> SHE STILL HASN'T SAID THE
ANSWER.
>> YEAH, THAT'S NOT FAIR!
>> DAMN, I SEE YOU REALLY TRYING
TO WIN THAT LITTLE BOAT, AIN'T
YOU?
>> HE IS SO THIRSTY FOR THAT
LITTLE BOAT, GIRL.
>> I KNOW, RIGHT.
SHOOT, CREEPY ASS.
NEXT QUESTION.
OKAY.
LET'S GET A GOOD ONE.
SKIP THIS.
SKIP THAT ONE.
OKAY.
THIS IS GOOD.
IN THE MOVIE, BABY BOY.
>> TYRESE.
>> YOU ON A ROLL, GIRL.
>> THANKS, GIRL.
ALSO THAT BLUSH LOOKS REALLY
GOOD ON YOU.
IS THAT FENTY?
>> OH, MY GOSH.
YES, 100 POINTS.
>> LET ME GUESS THE SHADE.
SUMMERTIME WINE.
>> YES.
100 MORE.
YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR STUFF.
>> I'M ACTUALLY WEARING FENTY
LIP GLOSS.
>> OKAY.
SO WHAT YOU WANT?
>> I'M SORRY.
THIS ISN'T FAIR.
SHE'S CLEARLY CHEATING FOR HER
BECAUSE SHE'S --
>> BECAUSE I'M WHAT?
>> WHAT IS SHE?
>> WHAT AM I?
>> SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST.
YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING.
>> WHAT AM I?
>> WHAT IS SHE?
>> WHAT AM I?
>> I'M TRYING TO SAY IT.
I WAS GOING TO SAY SHE'S YOUR
FAVORITE.
>> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
TO BE CLEAR, Y'ALL, I DO NOT
PLAY FAVORITES.
SO FAR, THE CRY BABY'S IN THE
LEAD, BESTIE'S IN SECOND, AND
SPLIT ENDS IS NOW IN LAST PLACE.
>> WAIT.
AM I SPLIT ENDS?
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SOUND
MEANS, IT'S TIME FOR THE DAILY
TRIPLE.
ANSWER THIS QUESTION CORRECTLY
AND YOU WILL WIN TRIPLE THE
POINTS.
THIS FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE
WHO SERVED IN THE VIETNAM WAR
DIED LAST YEAR.
NAOMI.
>> GIRL, I BUZZED AND I DON'T
EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
STAY CALM.
REMEMBER, YOU CAN ALWAYS PHONE A
FRIEND.
>> THANK YOU.
>> NO YOU CAN'T!
>> EXCUSE ME.
GIRL, IT'S KISSINGER.
>> OH, OH, IS IT HENRY
KISSINGER?
>> CORRECT!
OH, COME ON, NAOMI, YOU ARE
OFFICIALLY IN THE LEAD.
>> YOU GAVE HER THE ANSWER.
>> YEAH, I WANT A RULING FROM
THE JUDGES.
>> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FINE.
JUDGES?
>> WELL, OUR RULING IS, SIS
BODIED THAT!
>> EXACTLY.
HE TRYING TO MURDER SOMEBODY ON
A BOAT.
ANYWAY, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE GOING TO HELP SIS GET THAT
MONEY, OKAY?
>> DON'T SAY THAT!
>> CREEPY ASS.
>> HOLD IT, PLEASE.
THANKS.
SORRY.
>> WHAT FLOOR?
>> SIXTH, PLEASE.
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> COME ON!
>> CAN YOU PRESS THE EMERGENCY
BUTTON?
>> THIS IS THE ELEVATOR
TECHNICIAN.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
>> WE'RE STUCK IN THE SOUTH BANK
ELEVATORS.
CAN YOU PLEASE SEND HELP?
>> THE FIRE DEPARTMENT SHOULD BE
THERE IN 20-25 MINUTES.
TRY TO STAY CALM.
>> 25 MINUTES?
I'M GOING TO BE LATE PICKING MY
KID UP FROM SCHOOL.
>> I ALREADY HAVE TO PEE.
>> IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE
SOON, I'M GOING TO WANT TO HOOK
UP.
>> ME TOO.
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
>> I JUST GET REALLY
CLAUSTROPHOBIC WHEN I DON'T HOOK
UP.
>> AND I HEARD THAT IN ORDER TO
SURVIVE THE IMPACT, YOU HAVE TO
HOOK UP.
>> SURVIVE?
THEY SAID IT WOULD BE LIKE 25
MINUTES.
>> SO YOU BELIEVE THE COPS?
>> IT'S THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
>> THEY ALL WENT TO THE SAME
SCHOOL.
>> DO YOU TWO WANT TO HOOK UP?
>> WHY, SO YOU CAN WATCH?
>> I JUST REALIZED, THERE'S TWO
WOMEN AND THREE GUYS.
THE NUMBERS ARE PERFECT, YOU
HAVE TO ADMIT.
>> THAT IS TRUE.
THERE'S ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE
MOUTHS.
>> WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO OBSESSED
WITH HOOKING UP?
>> DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
WE HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY HERE TO
REMAKE SOCIETY.
>> BECAUSE LET'S BE REAL.
WHATEVER'S OUT THERE, IT'S NOT
WORKING.
BUT IN THE ELEVATOR, WE GET TO
BUILD SOMETHING NEW.
>> WE DO?
>> NO ONE'S COMING TO HELP US.
>> WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU.
>> WE CAN START OUR OWN SOCIETY
FROM SCRATCH.
AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED A
DOCTOR, A MAYOR.
>> BECAUSE IN ELEVATOR TOWN, YOU
CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE.
>> CAN I BE AN ASTRONAUT?
>> OF COURSE YOU CAN, YOUNG MAN.
>> WELL, THEN I WANT TO BE A
MAILMAN.
>> GREAT.
>> WAIT.
I WANT TO BE A MAILMAN TOO.
>> WELL, YOU ALREADY PICKED
ASTRONAUT.
>> CAN I BE A MAILMAN TOO?
>> NO.
WE CANNOT HAVE THREE MAILMEN.
>> FINE.
THEN I WILL ENGAGE IN THE TOWN'S
PROFITS AND I'LL JUST BE AN
ARTIST INSTEAD.
>> NEVER MIND, JUST BE A
MAILMAN.
BUT YOU NEED TO PICK SOMETHING
ELSE.
>> OKAY.
I WANT TO BE MARILYN MONROE.
>> WHATEVER.
>> SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT DOES
ANYONE WANT TO ACTUALLY LEAVE
THE ELEVATOR?
>> OR DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH
US?
>> TO ELEVATOR TOWN.
♪ IT'S ELEVATOR TOWN, POPULATION
US, IT'S ONLY JUST ONE LAW, YOU
GOTTA LOVE HOOKING UP ♪
>>> OKAY. SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE. EYES UP HERE.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHTY.
AS PROMISED, SINCE OUR CLASS
SOLD THE MOST COOKIE DOUGH,
WE'VE EARNED A VERY SPECIAL
EVENT.
JOINING US TODAY IS THE
MAGNIFICENT SPECIAL STAGE
HYPNOTIST, MR. FANTASMIC.
>> HEY THERE, KIDDOS, HOW WE
FEELING?
>> WHOO.
>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.
TODAY, I WILL BE PERFORMING THE
ART OF HYPNOSIS COMMANDING YOUR
VERY MINDS.
NOW, I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE
AUDIENCE.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> YES, YOUNG MAN, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO VOLUNTEER?
>> ACTUALLY, I'M RAISING MY HAND
TO TELL YOU YOU DO NOT HAVE THE
CONSENT TO HYPNOTIZE ME.
MY MAMA DIDN'T SIGN NO PAPER, I
DIDN'T SIGN NO PAPER.
YOU DO NOT HAVE MY CONSENT.
>> SURE.
GOT IT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?
>> SOLOMON.
>> COOL.
SO SOLOMON, THIS IS TOTALLY
OPTIONAL.
>> GOOD.
BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO HYPNOTIZE
ME, FIRST CALL I MAKE WILL BE TO
MY MOTHER, AND THE SECOND CALL I
MAKE WILL BE TO THE POLICE.
I GOT ONE OF THEM TRAINING
PHONES WITH ONLY TWO BUTTONS, SO
IT WILL BE QUICK.
>> SOLOMON, HON, TAKE IT EASY.
SORRY.
>> NOT AT ALL.
NO WORRIES.
VOLUNTEER?
HOW ABOUT YOU, MISS?
>> ME?
SURE.
>> GREAT.
PLEASE, COME ON UP.
NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
LISTEN CLOSELY.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND WHEN I
SNAP MY FINGERS, YOUR MIND WILL
BE REPLACED WITH THE MIND OF A
CHICKEN.
UNDERSTOOD?
>> YES, SIR.
>> OKAY.
EXCELLENT.
ON MY COUNT.
ONE, TWO --
>> I AM BISEXUAL!
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, WAR
LOCK?
WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME SAID?
>> UM, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO
YOU, BUDDY.
>> YOU HYPNOTIZED ME WITHOUT MY
PERMISSION, DEVIL MAN.
YOU HAVE TAKEN UNLAWFUL
POSSESSION OF MY MIND WITHOUT MY
CONSENT.
>> YOU'RE NOT HYPNOTIZED.
>> WHEN MY MOTHER FINDS OUT YOU
MADE ME TELL EVERYONE I'M BI.
>> SO MAYBE WE CHILL OUT A
LITTLE BIT.
>> MY SPIRIT IS COVERED BY THE
SACRED SPIRIT OF JESUS.
I'M A CHILD OF ABRAHAM, AND AS
GOD AS MY WITNESS, I DO NOT GIVE
MY CONSENT TO BE HYPNOTIZED.
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY SECRETS?
I'M BI!
WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME SAID?
>> OKAY.
FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT MAKING
THIS LITTLE BOY SAY HE'S BI.
>> SOLOMON, HON, YOU'RE FREAKING
PEOPLE OUT, OKAY?
>> HE POSSESSED MY WILL AND
SIEFENNED MY SECRETS.
HE MADE ME TELL EVERYONE I'M BI.
>> LET GO OF SOLOMON'S MIND!
>> HE'S FINE.
I'M NOT EVEN A REAL HYPNOTIST.
>> THE DEVIL MAY DISGUISE
HIMSELF AS A FRIEND, BUT BEWARE
BECAUSE HE MAY APPEAR AS A
HYPNOTIST.
>> HEY!
LET GO OF THAT BOY'S MIND RIGHT
NOW.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> YOU LISTEN TO ME,
MR. FANTASMIC, LAY DOWN YOUR
WEAPON AND RELEASE THAT LITTLE
BISEXUAL BOY FROM YOUR MAGIC.
RELEASE HIM!
>> MY FINAL CONFESSION, I HAVE
TO CONTROL --
♪ TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO
BREATHE WITH NO AIR ♪
OH, MY
♪ TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO
BREATHE WITH NO AIR ♪
NO!
MY FINAL SECRET, THAT I'M
ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD SINGER,
HAS BEEN REVEALED!
>> OKAY.
SO YOU DID ALL THIS JUST TO SHOW
EVERYONE YOU COULD SING?
>> YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
>> I THINK IT GOT ME TOO.
♪ CAN'T LIVE CAN'T BREATHE WITH
NO AIR ♪
>> I'M GETTING AN UBER.
♪ BUT HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO
LIVE ALONE WITH JUST ME 'CUZ MY
WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU IT'S
SO HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, JENNIFER LOPEZ. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪
♪♪
♪ I WATCHED MY MOTHER
MISS OUT ON HER LIFE
ALL THOSE COULD HAVE BEENS
BECAME HER SACRIFICE ♪
♪ BUT HERE IN THE DARKNESS
IT'S NOT THE FUTURE
NOR THE PAST ♪
♪ AND CAUSE IT'S MEANT TO BE
WITH YOU BOY
IT WILL LAST
YOU MET ME HALFWAY ♪
♪ GROWING PAINS
BROKE SOME CHAINS
IN EVERY CHAPTER
NOW WE KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT IT TAKES
FOR OUR EVER AFTER
TOOK SOME LEFTS ♪
♪ NOW WE'RE RIGHT HERE
WHERE WE ARE
AND I SING
THIS IS ME NOW ♪
♪ THIS IS ME NOW
AND I TOOK MY TIME
LOT OF WINTERS
SUMMERS BABY ♪
♪ HAD TO HEAL MY HEART
BUT I LOVE WHO I AM LATELY
THIS IS ME NOW ♪
♪ WHEN I WAS A GIRL
THEY'D ASK ME WHAT I'D BE
WHAT YOU GON' BE ♪
♪ A WOMAN IN LOVE
IS WHAT I GREW UP
WANTIN' TO BE ♪
♪ IN LOVE'S
WHAT I WANTED TO BE
IT'S MY MELODY
THE SYMPHONY I SEEK ♪
♪ AND YOUR EVERY WORD
GAVE ME STRENGTH
TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS
YOU MET ME HALFWAY ♪
♪ FACE TO FACE
TELL THE TRUTH
NO HOLDING BACK
WE ♪
♪ PUT IN WORK
OVERCAME ALL THE DISASTERS
TIME APART
PUT US RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ WHERE WE ARE
WHERE WE'RE MEANT TO BE
AND I SING
THIS IS ME NOW ♪
♪ LOVE ME AS I AM
THIS IS ME NOW
AND I TOOK MY TIME ♪
♪ LOT OF WINTERS
SUMMERS BABY
HAD TO HEAL MY HEART
MY HEART ♪
♪ BUT I LOVE WHO I AM LATELY
THIS IS ME NOW
GOTTA LEARN TO LEARN
GOTTA LEARN TO GROW ♪
♪ GOTTA FIND MY WAY
YEAH
TAKE ME AS I AM
AND I'LL TAKE YOU ♪
♪ AS YOU ARE
AND WE'LL BUILD THIS
LIFE TOGETHER
I FOUND MY SHOOTING STAR ♪
♪ THE DOUBLE THE SHINE
THE GREENER THE DIAMOND
ONE OF A KIND
THE CLEARER THE TIMING ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHING CHANGE
YOU KNOW PAPS GOIN'CRAZY
AHH
BEEP BEEP ♪
♪ PULL UP IN A
BLACK BUGAZZI
BABY GOT A LOVE
THAT LAST FOREVER ♪
♪ OLD TINGZ NEW TINGZ
IT'S A NEW LEVEL
ALL GAS NO BREAKS
YOU COULD COME REV IT BABY ♪
♪ I'M READY
I'M READY
LOVE ME AS I AM ♪
♪ THIS IS ME NOW
THIS IS ME NOW
AND I TOOK MY TIME
BABY ♪
♪ LOT OF WINTER
SUMMERS BABY
MY HEART
HAD TO DO IT FOR MYSELF ♪
♪ GOT A LOT TO LEARN
GOTTA LEARN TO GROW
AND FIND MY WAY
YEAH ♪
♪ THIS IS ME NOW
THIS IS ME NOW ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> YOU'RE WATCHING PEOPLE'S COURT. IN TODAY'S CASE, MARLEEN DAVIS
IS SUING HER FORMER HAIRDRESSER
FOR $3,000 IN DAMAGES AFTER SHE
RECEIVED, QUOTE, THE HAIR CUT
FROM HELL.
>> AND THIS IS SHAUNA CLAIMING
SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE AND,
QUOTE, GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY.
>> GOOD DAY, EVERYONE.
YOU MAY BE SEATED.
ALL RIGHT, MS. DAVIS.
YOUR COMPLAINT IS THAT YOU
RECEIVED A BAD HAIR CUT FROM THE
DEFENDANT.
BUT FROM WHEN I CAN SEE, IT
LOOKS FINE.
>> YOUR HONOR, IT IS NOT FINE.
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS WHAT I'M LEFT WITH.
THIS IS ME RIGHT HERE ALL DAY
EVERY DAY.
>> GOD DAMN!
>> LET THE RECORD SHOW MS. DAVIS
IS REVEALING HER EXPOSED BRAIN.
>> YOUR HONOR, THAT IS NOT MY
FAULT.
SHE CAME UP IN MY SHOP LOOKING A
MESS.
I CLEANED HER ASS UP.
>> GIRL, MY BRAIN IS OUT OF MY
DAMN HEAD.
THIS INJURY HAS BEEN A
NIGHTMARE.
I LOST MY JOB AT THE ZOO BECAUSE
THE QUOTES KEPT LICKING MY BRAIN
AND GETTING SICK.
>> YOUR HONOR, LET THE RECORD
SHOW SHE LYING.
SHE LOVES IT.
I SAW HER AT THE CLUB LAST NIGHT
BRAIN DOWN, ASS UP.
>> NO, I WASN'T.
>> YES, YOU WAS.
>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
>> THAT'S HOW IT WENT DOWN, YOUR
HONOR.
>> ALL RIGHT, MS. DAVIS, IT
APPEARS THAT NOW MORE THAN
ANYTHING, YOU NEED TO GO TO A
HOSPITAL.
>> OKAY.
FIRST OFF, NO.
I YA LET MY EX-BOYFRIEND SEE ME
LIKE THIS.
HE WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL.
>> HE PROBABLY JUST AN RN.
>> HE GETS PAID TO GIVE BLOOD.
IRREGARDLESS, I CAN'T LET HIM
SEE ME LIKE THIS.
>> LOOK LIKE IT HURT.
>> LOOK LIKE YOU NEED TO MIND
YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.
IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND WHEN IT'S
WINDY OUT, I CAN FEEL MY
MEMORIES GETTING BLOWN AWAY.
>> HOW ON EARTH DID IT GET THIS
BAD?
>> LET ME EXPLAIN.
SHE CAME UP TO ME IN MY SALON
AND SAID MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THIS.
>> LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT IS A
PHOTO OF MARGE SIMPSON FROM THE
SHOW THE SIMPSONS.
>> THIS IS NO FAULT OF MINE, I
HAVE A PLETHORA OF HAPPY
CLIENTS.
MY MOST LOYAL CLIENT BEEN COMING
TO ME FOR THREE YEARS.
>> HELLO, YOUR HONOR.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT SHAUNA
HAS NEVER DONE ME WRONG.
I WOULD NEVER GO TO ANYONE ELSE.
I STOP TRAFFIC, OKAY?
>> NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU
THINK.
>> NOW, MRS. WHITE, TELL ME, HAS
YOUR HAIRLINE ALWAYS STARTED IN
THE PAST.
OH, SNAP.
>> OH, SNAP.
>> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
IF YOU JUST GOING TO BE
DISRESPECTFUL, I'M JUST GOING TO
LEAVE THEN.
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH!
>> BRAIN POPPING OUT THE BACK
TOO.
>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I CAME
HERE.
CAN SOMEONE BLOW ON THE BACK OF
MY BRAIN SO I CAN JUST FORGET
TODAY?
>> I GOT YOU, GIRL.
>> YOUR HONOR, SHE NEEDS TO PAY
UP.
>> UM, NO.
YOU NOT GETTING ONE RED CENT,
THAT'S THE COLOR OF PENNIES.
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE
THAT PART OF MY BRAIN IS GONE.
>> WELL, YOU WASN'T USING IT
ANYWAY.
>> I'M ABOUT TO USE PART OF MY
FOOT TO PUT IT IN YOUR --
>> IN MY WHAT?
IN MY WHAT?
>> ORDER.
ORDER.
NOW, I'M NOT SURE WHO NEEDS TO
PAY WHO.
BUT I HOPE ALL INVOLVED GO TO
HELL WHEN THEY DIE.
I AIN'T SAYING DIE NOW, BUT
WHENEVER YOU DO, I HOPE HELL IS
WHERE YOU GO.
BUT I TELL YOU WHERE I'M ABOUT
TO GO, CHILI'S.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M ABOUT TO CHECK
OUT THAT TWO FOR TWO.
PEACE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU TO JENNIFER LOPEZ!
TO REDMAN, TO NIKKI HALEY, AND
TO THIS AMAZING CAST.
THIS CAST, THIS CAST, THIS CAST,
THIS CREW!
EVERYBODY RUNNING ME AROUND.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE.
THE SHOW'S BEEN AMAZING.
I LOVE YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
YEAH.