HALL LIVE FROM COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA.
>>> HELLO, EVERYONE. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, AND WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA.
WE ARE YOUR HOSTS TONIGHT. I'M CHARLES BARKLEY. >> AND I AM GAYLE KING.
AND WE'RE THE COHOSTS OF A REAL CNN SHOW THAT COMBINES OUR TWO NAMES, KING CHARLES.
>> YEAH. I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE GAY BAR. BUT THEN I WAS TOLD THAT THAT
WAS TERRIBLE. >> YES. TONIGHT, THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH
CAROLINA WILL ASK FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP QUESTIONS ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUES AFFECTING THEIR
LIVES. >> AND I'LL ASK MYSELF QUESTIONS LIKE CAN YOU BET ON A TOWN HALL.
YOU SURE CAN ON FANDUEL. >> NOW, PLEASE WELCOME THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. >> HE'S BEEN AROUND THE COURT MORE THAN ME, AND I WAS IN THE
NBA. PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO THE FEW OF YOU WHO ARE APPLAUDING. I LOVE BEING HERE IN THE GREAT
STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA. FRANKLY ONE OF THE TOP TWO CAROLINAS.
SOUTH CAROLINA, THE FIRST STATE TO SECEDE FROM THE UNION, AND NOT THE LAST, I THINK.
GOING TO SEE A LOT OF THAT WHEN I WIN. 50 STATES IS WAY TOO MANY.
I THINK WE COULD GET IT BACK DOWN TO 12 OR 13 AGAIN. >> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MAN? THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE HEARD, AND I WORK WITH SHAQ.
>> OUR FIRST QUESTION TONIGHT COMES FROM AN AUTO WORKER AT THE ASSEMBLY PLANT FOR VOLVO.
>> WHICH IS ALSO THE MEDICAL TERM FOR HOO-HA. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, I VOTED FOR
YOU IN 2016 AND 2020. >> WOW, YOU FELL FOR IT TWICE. >> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN
DEFEAT JOE BIDEN THIS TIME? >> WELL, I THINK I'M DOING EVEN BETTER THIS TIME IN TERMS OF
HISPANIC. I LIKE TO SAY I PUT THE PANIC IN HISPANIC.
PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HAVING AN ALLEGED CRIMINAL LIKE JOE BIDEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
THEY WANT A CONVICTED CRIMINAL. SOMEONE THEY CAN TRUST TO GET THE CRIMES DONE RIGHT.
>> SOMEHOW THAT'S WHAT I WANTED >> YOU KEEP DOING YOU, HOMEY. >> YEAH.
NEXT WE HAVE A SINGLE MOM WHO'S CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED. >> WOW.
GUYS ARE GOING TO BE LINING UP AFTER THAT DESCRIPTION. PRESIDENT TRUMP, IF ELECTED,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO STOP TAYLOR SWIFT FROM INFILTRATING THE SUPER BOWL AND STEALING THE
ELECTION? >> YOU KNOW, THANK YOU. THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE
SMARTEST AND MOST RESEARCHED QUESTIONS I THINK POSSIBLY EVER. YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT BIDEN
HAS BRAINWASHED TAY-TAY. THEY'RE USING HER IN SOMETHING CALLING CYOPS, STARTED WITH THE
GREAT RAPPER CY. TOLD ME HE NEEDED A NEW STYLE. I SAID WHAT ABOUT GANGHAM.
NOW THEY'VE GOT TAY-TAY PRETENDING TO DATE TRAY DAY. HE CAN'T EVEN GET TAYLOR TICKETS
NEAR THE FIELD. HE'S GOT HER WAY UP IN A LITTLE BOX.
SO SAD. >> I'M SORRY. HOW EXACTLY WILL TAYLOR SWIFT
BEING AT THE SUPER BOWL MAKE BIDEN WIN THE ELECTION? >> THE CLUES ARE ALL THERE IF
YOU LOOK AT THE MIDNIGHTS TRACK LIST. THE RAVENS WERE THERE BUT GOT
CAUGHT BY THE CHIEFS. PAUL RUDD WHO'S FROM WHERE, KANSAS CITY.
THE NEXT FOUR SONGS CONTAIN EXACTLY 49 LETTERS PLUS E-R-S, 49ers.
IT WILL BE KARMA FOR SWEET NOTHING, AKA, BIDEN'S BRAIN, THAT THE MASTERMIND BEHIND IT
ALL WILL OF COURSE BE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. THAT ALL ADDS UP TO, BING, BING,
BING, BONG, ANOTHER STOLEN ELECTION, TAYLOR'S VERSION. >> MY GOD.
I WAS SKEPTICAL AT FIRST, BUT NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE. >> OUR NEXT QUESTION COMES FROM
SOMEONE WHO SAYS HE REALLY, REALLY LIKES PRESIDENT TRUMP TIMES A MILLION.
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR, TIM SCOTT. >> HEY, DONALD, IT'S ME.
YOUR BEST FRIEND, TIM SCOTT. I FLEW ALL THE WAY TO NEW HAMPSHIRE TO ENDORSE YOU.
REMEMBER? >> VAGUELY. >> I DON'T HAVE A QUESTION.
I HAVE A STATEMENT. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY YOU ARE THE BESTEST MOST HANDSOMEST
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE I'VE EVER SEEN. I LOOK AT YOU AND THINK, IS THAT
HOT LINCOLN? >> THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH EVEN FOR ME.
TIM SCOTT, EVERYBODY. HE'S A LOT LIKE SCOTT TOILET PAPER.
THERE'S NOT MUCH THERE, YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.
>> OKAY. OUR NEXT QUESTION COMES FROM SOMEONE WHO DESCRIBES HERSELF AS
A CONCERNED SOUTH CAROLINA VOTER. >> YES.
HELLO. [ APPLAUSE ] MY QUESTION IS WHY WON'T YOU
DEBATE NIKKI HALEY? >> OH, MY GOD. IT'S HER.
THE WOMAN WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF SECURITY ON JANUARY 6th. IT'S NANCY PELOSI.
>> FOR THE 100th TIME, THAT IS NOT NANCY PELOSI. IT IS NIKKI HALEY.
>> ARE YOU DOING OKAY, DONALD? YOU MIGHT NEED A MENTAL COMPETENCY TEST.
>> I TOOK THE TEST AND I ACED IT. PERFECT SCORE.
THEY SAID I'M 100% MENTAL. I'M CONFIDENT BECAUSE I'M A MAN. THAT'S WHY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER
RUN OUR ECONOMY. WOMEN SHOULD NEVER RUN OUR COUNTRY.
A WOMAN I KNOW ASKED ME FOR $83.3 MILLION. >> AND YOU SPENT $50 MILLION IN
YOUR OWN LEGAL FEES. DO YOU NEED TO BORROW SOME MONEY?
>> OH, NIKKI, DON'T DO THIS. NIKKI, DON'T LOSE THAT NUMBER. NIKKI HALEY JOEL OSMENT WE CALL
HER. REMEMBER THE SIXTH SENSE? I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
>> THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY IF THEY SEE YOU AND JOE ON THE BALLOT.
>> THAT'S NOT VERY NICE, NIKKI. IT'S NOT NICE. AND I'M ALWAYS VERY NICE TO YOU
EXCEPT FOR WHEN I'M IMPLYING YOU WEREN'T BORN IN THIS COUNTRY, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FROM SOUTH
CAROLINA AND NOW I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU IN YOUR STATE. >> AND DID YOU WIN YOUR HOME
STATE IN THE LAST ELECTION? >> I WON STATEN ISLAND AND THE PARTS OF LONG ISLAND WHERE THE
FIST FIGHTS HAPPEN, WHERE THEY GET OUT OF THE CARS IF YOU HONK AT THEM.
I LOVE MY WORLD STAR WHITES. >> ALL RIGHT. WELL, THAT IS A NEW ONE ON ME.
OKAY. WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION, AND IT'S ACTUALLY FOR
AMBASSADOR HALEY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I WAS JUST CURIOUS, WHAT
WOULD YOU SAY WAS THE MAIN CAUSE OF THE CIVIL WAR, AND DO YOU THINK IT STARTS WITH AN S AND
ENDS WITH A LAVERY? >> YEP. I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT
THE FIRST TIME, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST -- JENNIFER LOPEZ.
AND YOUR HOST -- AYO EDEBIRI.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! MY NAME IS AYO EDEBIRI, AND I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
SNL MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. THIS REALLY IS A DREAM COME TRUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BOSTON, WHICH MAKES ME THE FIRST BLACK
WOMAN TO EVER ADMIT THAT. YEAH. THREE DAYS INTO FEBRUARY, AND
I'M ALREADY MAKING BLACK HISTORY. BUT I WAS RAISED IN BOSTON BY AN
IMMIGRANT FAMILY. WE ARE BOTH AFRICAN AND CARIBBEAN, SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS, I'M IN THERAPY. THERE WERE A LOT OF HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR ALL OF US.
A LOT OF MY COUSINS ARE DOCTORS AND LAWYERS AND PROFESSORS, SO WHILE THEY WERE BUSY SAVING
LIVES AND TEACHING CHILDREN, I WAS DOING SOMETHING EQUALLY NOTABLE, STANDUP ECONOMIC SHOWS
IN THE BACK OF LAUND RO MATS. BUT NOW I'M PROUD TO SAY I'M THE COUSIN WHO MADE THE BIGGEST
TURNAROUND, AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE APPROVAL OF ALL NIGERIAN AUNTS
AND UNCLED ON WHAT'S APP. SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM A SHOW CALLED THE BEAR.
IT'S ABOUT THE KITCHEN STAFF AT A CHICAGO RESTAURANT. AND IT'S SUCH A FUN SHOW TO WORK
ON. BUT WHEN I GOT CAST, I WAS TOLD THERE WAS GOING TO BE A LOT OF
RESEARCH. BEFORE SHOOTING THE FIRST SEASON, WE ALL HAD TO WORK IN
ACTUAL RESTAURANTS SO WE COULD CAPTURE THAT KITCHEN ENERGY. WHEN PEOPLE SAW MY COSTAR JEREMY
ALLEN WHITE WORKING IN A RESTAURANT, THEY THOUGHT, HE MUST BE PREPARING FOR A ROLE, SO
METHOD. WHEN THEY SAW ME, THEY WOULD BE LIKE, HOW MUCH LONGER FOR MY
TILAPIA. BEFORE ALL THIS, I WAS A STANDUP COMIC IN NEW YORK CITY.
FIRST EVER ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OPEN MICS. BUT I REALLY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO
THE SHOW, AND I JUST HAD SO MANY IDEAS. I ACTUALLY ONCE WROTE A PACT,
BUT I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE NERVE TO SUBMIT IT AND I PRINTED IT OUT.
IS IT OKAY IF I SHARE SOME STUFF? OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TAKING ME BACK. YEAH. THIS ONE, I SEE RIGHT HERE.
YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SKETCH BLACK JEOPARDY? SO I WANTED TO DO A SKETCH
CALLED WHITE JEOPARDY WHICH DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE IT WAS JUST WHITE PEOPLE PLAYING JEOPARDY.
AND THIS ONE, JUST -- I LOVE A CHARACTER WITH A CATCH PHRASE, YOU KNOW, LIKE CATCH PHRASES
WORK BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN SAY THEM AND GET A BIG REACTION, AND THIS ONE WAS HOP ON TO IT NOW.
IT'S NOT BAD. IT'S NOT THE WORST. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ANYONE CAN SAY IT, A CAST MEMBER, A HOST. JUST IMAGINE KENAN BEING LIKE,
HOP ON TO IT NOW, YOU KNOW? OR THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND JUST BEING LIKE, HOP ON TO IT NOW.
TRADE MARKING THAT TONIGHT. OKAY. YEAH, I THINK WE'RE DONE WITH
THIS. BURN IT. GENUINELY, I AM SO EXCITED FOR
TONIGHT. I CAME UP IN THE NEW YORK COMEDY SCENE WITH SOME OF MY BEST
FRIENDS WHO I AM SO BLESSED TO BE WORKING WITH HERE TONIGHT, AND IT REALLY TRULY FEELS LIKE A
HOMECOMING, AND I THINK I'VE BEEN UP HERE LONG ENOUGH, SO THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE THING TO
SAY. LET'S HOP ON TO IT NOW. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. JENNIFER LOPEZ IS HERE STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK
>>> IT'S THE GAME SHOW EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT. IT'S WHY'D YOU SAY IT WITH YOUR
HOST, DANNY DONNIGAN. >> HEY, THERE. WELCOME TO WHY'D YOU SAY IT.
TONIGHT'S CONTESTANTS ARE DANNY. >> HEY THERE. >> TYLER.
>> WHAT'S UP, WORLD? >> AND ANNIE. >> HI, DANNY.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS GAME IS, BUT I'M EXCITED TO PLAY. >> WELL, THE GAME IS EASY.
WE SHOW YOU A COMMENT YOU LEFT ON INSTAGRAM AND ASK YOU THE SIMPLE QUESTION, WHY'D YOU SAY
IT. >> OH. NO THANK YOU.
>> AS USUAL, ONE CONTESTANT HAS LEFT IMMEDIATELY. LET'S BRING IN OUR BACKUP
CONTESTANT JENNY. >> HEY. EXCITED TO PLAY.
WHAT'S THIS GAME? >> YOU'LL FIND OUT. ALL RIGHT, ANNIE, LET'S START
WITH YOU. >> DO I HAVE TO? >> YES!
OKAY. DREW BARRYMORE PREVIOUSLY AND FAMOUSLY POSTED THIS VIDEO ON
HER INSTAGRAM. >> WHENEVER YOU CAN GO OUT INTO THE RAIN, DO NOT MISS THE
OPPORTUNITY! >> JUST A SWEET WOMAN ENJOYING THE RAIN.
AND YOU COMMENTED, DIE. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHY'D YOU SAY IT?
>> UM, I MEANT DIE, LIKE I'M DYING. I LOVE THIS VID SO MUCH
[ BUZZER ] I MEANT SLAY, BUT I FORGOT THE WORD
[ BUZZER ] I SAW SOMEONE BEING HAPPY AND WANTED THEM TO FEEL THE EXACT
OPPOSITE. >> THAT'S CLOSE BUT IT'S NOT THE FULL ANSWER.
>> I'M ALONE A LOT. SOME DAYS, I DON'T EVEN INTERACT WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AND I
START WONDERING AM I DEAD, IS LIFE REAL, SO I POST COMMENTED THAT I THINK WILL GET A RESPONSE
FROM SOMEONE BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE CERTAIN I'M ALIVE.
[ DINGING ] >> THAT IS CORRECT. >> I REALLY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THIS SHOW WAS WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR IT. >> THEN DON'T SIGN UP FOR STUFF.
ALL RIGHT. NEXT UP IS TYLER. >> I WOULD LIKE TO GO HOME
PLEASE. >> YOU CAN'T. RECENTLY, AOC POSTED A PICTURE
WITH A CAPTION EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD BE ELIGIBLE FOR HEALTH CARE.
YOU COMMENTED, HOT FOR CONGRESS, BUT AT A PARTY. MID.
STILL SMASH THOUGH. SO THE QUESTION IS WHY'D YOU SAY IT?
>> I GOT HACKED. [ BUZZER ] INSTAGRAM GOT HACKED
[ BUZZER ] MY ASS TYPED IT ON A BUMPY BUS [ BUZZER ]
I GUESS I THOUGHT SHE WOULD SEE MY COMMENT AND SHE WOULD COMMENT BACK, AND WE WOULD GET INTO A
FIGHT THAT GETS REALLY HEATED, FIRST SHE SLAPS ME AND THEN KISSES ME AND BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, WE'RE HAVING SEX [ DINGING ] >> AND YOUR WIFE IS IN THE
AUDIENCE HERE TODAY. >> NO, SHE'S NOT. >> YOU CAN TRY TO MANIFEST ALL
YOU WANT, BUT IT DOESN'T CHANGE THAT SHE'S HERE. >> YOU TOLD ME YOU DON'T HAVE AN
INSTAGRAM. >> YOUR NOT REAL, AND NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME.
>> WOW. SAD. MOVING ON.
JENNY, CNN POSTED A NEWS STORY OF A NEW YORK FACTORY EXPLODING. YOU COMMENTED, SO AWFUL, MOVE ME
TO WRITE THIS SONG WITH A NONWORKING LINK TO A SONG TITLED "THE JAGER MADE ME DO IT."
SO THE QUESTION IS, WHY'D YOU SAY IT? >> I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP
PEOPLE COPE WITH THE TRAGEDY. [ BUZZER ] I THOUGHT IT WOULD PROVIDE
CLOSURE [ BUZZER ] MY SONG HAS AN IMPORTANT
MESSAGE. >> LET ME PLAY A SNIPPET. * WASN'T GONNA DO IT, BUT THE
JAGER MADE ME DO IT * >> WHY'D YOU SAY IT? >> I'M THREE DAYS FROM HAVING TO
MOVE BACK TO OHIO BECAUSE I SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY RECORDING THE JAGER MADE ME DO IT, AND IT
HAS 279 VIEWS ON YOUTUBE, AND THE ONLY COMMENT IS, WOULD SMASH.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME BY THE WAY. >> OKAY. OKAY.
WE GET IT. IT'S WRONG TO LEAVE MEAN COMMENTS OR POST COMMENTS JUST
FOR CLOUT OR RUN YOUR MOUTH ON A PODCAST AND YOU DON'T CONSIDER THE IMPACT BECAUSE YOU'RE 24 AND
STUPID, BUT I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GOING TO BE A LOT MORE
THOUGHTFUL ABOUT WHAT WE POST ONLINE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AW. THAT'S SWEET. IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID IF TWO
MINUTES AGO, YOU DIDN'T POST THIS COMMENT ON MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM UNDER THIS PHOTO OF ME
AND MY 3-YEAR-OLD SON. YOU WROTE, WHAT DISEASE HE HAVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I CANNOT CHANGE. [ DINGING ] >> THAT IS CORRECT.
ALL RIGHT. AFTER THE BREAK, IT'S ROUND TWO. WHY DID YOU COMMENT COOL UNDER A
MOVIE TRAILER WHEN YOU COULD HAVE JUST SMILED TO YOURSELF?
>> HEY. >> ARE YOU GONNA BE AROUND AFTER SCHOOL?
>> DEFINITELY. >> COOL. ME TOO.
>> GABBY IS SO CUTE. >> SERIOUSLY, BRO. >> I KNOW.
LOOK, CAN I TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING? >> YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> SO MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN TONIGHT, WHICH MEANS I'M GOING TO HAVE THE HOUSE TO
MYSELF. >> WAIT. DOES THAT MEAN --
>> I THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT. FOR REAL.
* I'VE BEEN READY FOR THIS MOMENT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME, AND IT'S HAPPENING TONIGHT *
* BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL, AND NOW THAT I'VE FOUND IT, IT FINALLY FEELS SO RIGHT *
* 'CUZ I'M A GENTLE TEENAGE BOY WITH AN INNOCENT HEART BUT YOU FOUND A WAY TO TOUCH IT *
* AND NOW THAT MY PARENTS ARE GONE, I'M GONNA LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO THE DUNE POPCORN
BUCKET * * OH, PLAY MY HEART STRINGS JUST LIKE A FIDDLE, OH, OH *
* AND I'M NOT SCARED OF THE TEETH IN THE MIDDLE * * DAD, I'M SORRY, I DON'T LIKE
BOYS, I LIKE THE DUNE POPCORN BUCKET, BUCKET, BUCKET * >> WAIT, WHAT?
* AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY GRADES ANYMORE, JUST WANT THAT DUNE POPCORN BUCKET, BUCKET,
BUCKET * * OH, OH, OH, OH, LITTLE BIT OF BUTTER MAKES IT FEEL SO GOOD *
* OH, OH, OH, OH, GETTING IT UP TO THE SHAI-HUMUD * * AROUND THE WORLD, CHILDREN
WILL BUY THIS, THAT DUNE POPCORN BUCKET * * WE DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP, THIS
IS A REAL THING, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE DUNE 2 * * EATING POPCORN OUT OF MY
BUCKET, THEN I'LL TAKE IT HOME AND [ BLEEP ] IT * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> I KNEW GRAD SCHOOL WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH, BUT NO ONE SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE PAINFUL.
MY BACKPACK SO SO HEAVY. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN AS MY BACKPACK FALLS OFF FROM THE
PAIN. >> IT WAS SO NICE FOR PROFESSOR COLLIN TO ASSIGN DOUBLE READING
THIS WEEK. >> REMEMBER HAVING A LIFE? >> NO.
WHAT'S THIS LIFE YOU SPEAK OF? >> HILARIOUS, DOUGLAS. ZACHARY'S NOT STRESSED AT ALL.
>> I GAVE MYSELF A TREAT BEFORE A WEEKEND IN THE TRENCHES. TROY GAVE ME A SHROOM AND I HALF
DOSED. NEVER DONE IT BEFORE, AND THE HYPE IS REAL.
>> YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT? >> NO. I TOOK A LITTLE PIECE RIGHT
AFTER GREEK LIT DISCUSSION. >> OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE HIGH!
>> I WOULD SAY MORE RELAXED. WHAT'S THE ISSUE? >> UM, YOU'RE HIGH ON DRUGS!
DON'T YOU HAVE TO DRIVE TOMORROW? >> I ATE A CHUNK OF A MUSHROOM.
I'M NOT OUT HERE SHOOTING UP HEROIN. >> THAT MIGHT RAISE AN EYEBROW
OR TWO. >> IT'S NOT FUNNY, LUCAS! >> HEY, DUDE, IT'S NOT A BIG --
>> DON'T TOUCH ME! >> KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. HE'S TWEAKING!
>> YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER DONE DRUGS SINCE I TOOK LIKE HALF A MOLLY IN HIGH
SCHOOL. >> SO YOU'RE RELAPSING. >> COME ON, LET'S GO TO CAMPUS
MEDICAL SERVICES. THEY HAVE RESOURCES THERE TO HELP YOU GET CLEAN.
>> YOU GUYS, HE DOESN'T NEED HELP. >> YEAH, UNTIL HE ODs ON MICRO
DOSES. >> YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY IT. >> OH, REALLY?
ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING REALLY HIGH OFF THIS NEW CRAZY DRUG CALLED PLAYING A SPORT I ENJOY.
UP TOP. PICKLE BALL DOUBLES WITH MY MOM'S BEST FRIEND PATTY.
>> HEY, ZACHARY, LOOK, I FOUND THE PLACE YOUR LIFE IS GOING, IN THE GARBAGE.
>> I DID NOT KNOW HOW STRAIGHT EDGED YOU GUYS WERE. >> I WOULD RATHER BE STRAIGHT
EDGED THAN SHARING MUSHROOM NEEDLES WITH A JUNKY. >> YEAH.
COME ON, GUYS. LET'S LEAVE ZACHARY TO DO HIS DOSES IN PEACE.
GO GRAB A HOT PIZZA PIE AND SOME FROSTY SODAS. >> THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
EXTRA CHEESE, PEPPERONI, AND NO MUSHROOMS. COME ON, GUYS.
>> COME ON, GUYS. >> COME ON, GUYS. >> COME ON, GUYS.
>> WHY ARE CLAY AND SASHA SO 1990s PSA ABOUT DRUGS? >> I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS THE DARE PROGRAM REALLY WORKED ON THEM. >> IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSE THEY
BOTH DRINK EVERY NIGHT. >> WEIRD. YOU GUYS WANT ANY SHROOMS FOR
TONIGHT? >> YEAH. >> YOU GUYS COMING OR --
>> COME ON, GUYS. >> SO YOU'RE DEALING NOW? >> YES, CLAY, I BROKE BAD.
I'M UC IRVINE'S EL CHAPO. >> I'M SORRY ZACHARY, SOME DAY YOU'LL THANK ME FOR THIS.
OFFICER, HE MICRO DOSED A MUCH ROOM. >> BET.
>> WHAT? >> OFFICER! >> WHAT?
>> OFFICER, SIR! ZACHARY, GIVE ME YOUR BAG OF DRUGS, PLEASE!
>> NO. >> ZACHARY, WE'RE ONLY GOING TO ASK YOU THIS NINE MORE TIMES.
GIVE US YOUR BAGGY OF DRUGS RIGHT NOW! >> IT'S NOT EVEN A BAGGY.
IT'S A CHOCOLATE BAR. >> WOW, HE'S SO HIGH, HE THINKS HIS DRUGS ARE A CHOCOLATE BAR.
MM, YUMMY. >> YOU ARE SO HIGH, YOU THINK THIS IS CHOCOLATE.
MM, AND IT'S DISGUSTING TOO. NOW I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET THAT HOT PIZZA PIE AND SOME
FROSTY SODAS. >> YEAH. AND NO JUNKYS ALLOWED ME THINKS.
COME ON, GUYS. >> COME ON, GUYS. >> I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH
THOSE GUYS, BUT I DO THINK WE SHOULD SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT KICKS IN.
>> OH, YEAH. WAIT UP, GUYS.
YOU'RE WATCHING NEW YORK MORNING NEWS. I'M YOUR HOST HANNAH JENNINGS.
>> AND I'M KEITH MICHAELS. >> OUR TOP STORY TODAY, IT IS ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> TO GET EVERYONE IN THE MOOD, WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN WITH OUR ROMANCE REPORTER DANNY LOVE.
>> WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, MAID IN MANHATTAN, THE GOD FATHER, SO MANY ICONIC ROM COMS WERE SET
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO GET SOME MEET CUTES.
HELLO, ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> YEAH, TWO YEARS. >> HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?
>> THE FOR REAL STORY? >> YEAH, SPILL THE TEA. >> WE WERE BOTH WITH OTHER
PEOPLE AND CHEATED WITH EACH OTHER. >> AND I GOT PREGNANT.
>> AND I'M RICH, SO NOW THIS IS OUR FAMILY. >> GOOD FOR YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. MOVING ON. HELLO THERE.
HI. ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE? >> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> TELL ME, HOW WAS YOUR ROMANCE FIRST STARTED? NEIGHBORS, CUPID, TINDER?
>> HE WAS MY PROFESSOR, AND MY DAD HAD JUST DIED. >> WOW.
OKAY. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. HELLO YOU TWO, HI.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE EACH OTHER. >> LIKE?
I WOULD LITERALLY PERISH WITHOUT HIM. >> NOBODY MAKES ME LAUGH LIKE
HER. >> HE'S THE BEST PART OF MY DAY. >> THAT IS CUTE CUTE AS HELL.
HOW DID YOU START DATING? >> WE AREN'T DATING. WE WORK TOGETHER.
>> BUT WE TEXT EVERY DAY. >> AND WE HAVE SEX AS WELL. >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LOOKING FOR A NORMAL LOVE STORY. HOW ABOUT YOU TWO? ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE?
>> THIS IS MY SISTER. I'M KIDDING. SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND -- AS WELL.
>> WHAT? NO. GO.
NO. VIEWERS AT HOME, FIND HIS JOB AND TELL THEM.
OH, HELLO. LOOK AT YOU TWO. OH, YOU GUYS LOOK VERY CUTE AND
HOPEFULLY NORMAL. ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> YOU BET.
AND WE FALL MORE AND MORE IN LOVE EVERY SINGLE DAY, WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE WHEN WE MET WE
DIDN'T EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER AT ALL. >> WAS THIS ONE OF THOSE
SITUATIONS WHERE YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE EACH OTHER'S WEDDING DATES EVEN THOUGH YOU
HATE EACH OTHER? >> KIND OF. OUR MARRIAGE WAS ARRANGED BY OUR
LEADER. HE POINTED AT US AND SAID YOU TWO ARE MARRIED NOW.
>> NO. NO THANK YOU. I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I FIND
SOMEONE SWEET. HELLO. HI.
ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE? >> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. >> OKAY.
AND WHAT KEEPS YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> THE RENT.
THE RENT AMOUNT. >> JESUS. NO.
YOU CAN GO. ALL RIGHT. SCARED TO TALK TO YOU TWO.
ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> YEAH. LOOK, HE JUST BOUGHT ME THIS.
>> GREAT. AND HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET? >> PASS.
>> OKAY. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CALL THIS OFF.
OH, HELLO. YOU AGAIN. HI!
>> AGAIN? HI THERE. WHAT'S THIS FOR?
>> I'M JUST INTERVIEWING COUPLES, AND I JUST TALKED TO HER.
>> I DON'T THINK SO. >> NO. YOU WERE JUST --
>> NO. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE JUST WALKING BY HERE FOR THIS VERY
FIRST TIME TODAY. >> YES. I AGREE.
SO YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED. >> OH, HAPPILY. WE WENT THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH,
BUT LATELY, SHE'S HAD A SPRING IN HER STEP, AND I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU RIGHT NOW ONLY. >> GREAT.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH. VERY HAPPY FOR YOU. WELL, I GUESS NO ONE HAS MEET
CUTES ANYMORE AND LOVE IS DEAD. OH. SORRY.
>> I'M SO SORRY. >> IT'S OKAY. I'M JUST DOING A SEGMENT ON
DATING. IT'S NOT GOING GREAT. >> I MEAN, DATING IS SO HARD
NOWADAYS. YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING TO FEEL --
>> ORGANIC. >> WOW. LOOKS LIKE WE WITNESSED A MEET
CUTE HAPPEN BEFORE OUR EYES. >> AND THAT MAN IS MY HUSBAND. DAMN IT!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * I JUST WANNA
I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE IT'S LIKE OOH HEY *
* I FEEL LIKE STARTIN' SOMETHING YOU GOT MY ENGINE RUNNIN' *
* YOU GOT THE KEYS TO TURN ME ON AND ON YOU GOT ME ACCELERATIN'
I WANT TO CELEBRATE IT * * CAN'T NOTHING TAKE ME OUT MY ZONE
IT'S ON * * WHEN IT FEELS RIGHT NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
IS THIS REAL LIFE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE * * TAKE ME ALL NIGHT
I CAN FEEL THE PASSION IN YOUR EYES * * I'M STILL
IN LOVE WITH YOU YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH *
* I LOVE THAT YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
YOU LOVE THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH I LOVE THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH YOU LOVE THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU *
* I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU BOY I JUST WANNA *
* I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE YA IT'S LIKE OH HEY
BIG LATTO * * CALL THE DOCTOR I DON'T SEE NOBODY BUT YOU
YOU DO I STILL LOVE YOU * * BABY IS THE SKY BLUE
BLUE SPOIL A DOWN AND HE FAITHFUL TO ME TOO *
* TOO YOU KNOW YOU THE REASON WHY THEY HATIN' ON ME BOO
BOO * * CAN'T GET ENOUGH LIKE LET ME GET SOME MO'
MO' * * YOU KNOW WHEN IT COME TO ME
HE LOVE TO DO THE MOST MOST * * I AIN'T SCARED OF GHOSTS
HE BOUGHT ME ONE OF THOSE KEEP 'EM OUT OUR BUSINESS I AIN'T TRYNA POST *
* LIKE IS IT TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE HUH
HE ROMANTIC BUT STREET TOO * * HUH DROP A BAG ON A WHAT
PUT THEM M'S ON MY ASS LIKE EVISU * * YEAH I LOVE THAT SHIT
I LOVE IT THROWIN' UP GANG SO THEY KNOW I'M HIS CHICK *
* THAT'S BOO DADDY DADDY HE DO ANYTHING
TO KEEP HIS BOO HAPPY * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
I LOVE THAT LET'S DANCE * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH YOU KNOW THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH *
* YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH YOU KNOW I CAN'T
GET ENOUGH * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU * * I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
BOY * YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS GIRL
I TELL 'EM TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT * * SHUT THE PLACE DOWN
IN A NEW YORK MINUTE SALUTE THE LIEUTENANT LOOK AROUND THE ROOM *
* JLO THEY ALL MAD SEASONED VETERANS CHECK THE DOG TAGS LIKE YO
OUNCE OF BUD * * UP IN THE HOOKAH THICK CHICK HIDE
MY GUN UP IN THE FOOPA BACK MY BUDDHA * * AND THAT'S BEEN THE BRICKS
HATERS TAKE SHOTS BUT IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST ME AND JLO *
* STRAIGHT FROM THE BLOCK CAUSE WE BE TO RAP LIKE BIGGIE AND PAC
WHAT YOU DOIN * * WHAT WE DOIN GIVE IT UP
ONE NIGHT OF ME BABY AND YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH * * AND WHEN I SLIDE IN
TURN IT UP YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH *
* YOU KNOW THAT GIRL YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
EVERYBODY COME ON * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP * * CAN'T GET ENOUGH
YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH * YOU KNOW THAT GIRL
YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH EVERYBODY COME ON *
* YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH HEY
PUT YOUR HANDS UP * * CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU LET'S GO
WILD THE HELL OUT ACT THE HELL OUT * * WILD THE -- OUT
ACT THE -- OUT WILD THE -- OUT ACT THE -- OUT *
I'M STILL IN LOVE I JUST NEVER GET ENOUGH OF YOU *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, JUST HOURS AGO, PRESIDENT BIDEN WON THE SOUTH CAROLINA DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY BARELY EDGING
OUT HIS CLOSEST RIVAL, TIME. [ LAUGHTER ] AS YOU MAY HAVE SEEN ON YOUR
AUNT'S FACEBOOK, MANY MAGA PERSONALS ARE CLAIMING THE SUPER BOWL IS BEING RIGGED SO KANSAS
CITY WINS AND TAYLOR SWIFT CAN COME ON THE FIELD WITH TRAVIS KELCE AND ENDORSE JOE BIDEN.
MAGA PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH TO KEEP TRACK OF, YOU HAVE TO HATE THE NFL, TAYLOR SWIFT, BUD LIGHT,
DISNEY, KRISTEN STEWART FOR SOME REASON, ELECTRIC STOVES, WIND MILLS, THE CONCEPT OF RAINBOWS,
AND THE GREEN M&M, AND YOU HAVE TO THINK EVERYBODY IN THE GOVERNMENT IS A SECRET
PEDESTRIAN FILE EXCEPT FOR THIS GUY DANCING WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
I MEAN, ISN'T THAT THE HAPPIEST YOU'VE EVER SEEN TRUMP? HE'S DANCING LIKE NOBODY'S
CHECKING IDs. >> HEY. PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A DRASTIC
CHANGE IN HIS IMMIGRATION POLICY SAYING HE WOULD BE WILLING TO SHUT DOWN THE BORDER IF GIVEN
THE POWER BY CONGRESS. IT'S THE KIND OF UNEXPECTED SHIFT IN DIRECTION BIDEN USUALLY
ONLY MAKES IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE. THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN IS TRYING TO
APPEAL TO TO BLACK VOTERS. IT'S GETTING SO BAD, HE NOW ONLY HAS SUPPORT FROM OBAMA'S WHITE
HALF. DID YOU GUYS ALL FORGET? >> IN SOME GREAT ECONOMIC NEWS
FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN, U.S. OIL PRODUCTION HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH THIS WEEK, AND THE ECONOMY ADDED
A SURPRISINGLY ROBUST 350,000 JOBS. OR AS FOX NEWS REPORTED IT, ARE
MIGRANTS TURNING YOUR KIDS TRANS? CAMPAIGN FINANCE RECORDS SHOW IN
THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THE SUPER PACK BEHIND DONALD TRUMP SPENT $50 MILLION ON LEGAL FEES, AND
THAT'S WITH THE CHEAPEST WORST LAWYERS OPT PLANET. CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING 50
MILLION ON THE PEOPLE WHO JUST LOST YOU 83 MILLION? THIS LAWYER DID SUCH A BAD JOB,
I THOUGHT HER ACTUAL NAME WAS OVERRULED SIT DOWN. >> NIKKI HALEY HAS LAUNCHED A
SERIES OF CAMPAIGN ADS TARGETING TRUMP AND BIDEN CALLED GRUMPY OLD MEN.
OKAY. BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE MEN. CHICAGO BECAME THE LARGEST U.S.
CITY TO CALL FOR A CEASE-FIRE IN GAZA, AND IN RETURN, GAZA CALLED FOR A CEASE-FIRE IN CHICAGO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE FCC IS PREPARING TO CRIMINALIZE UNSOLICITED ROW BOW
CALLED THAT USE AI TO IMPERSONATE POLITICIANS. YOU CAN STILL IMPERSONATE TED
CRUZ BY SHAVING A SLOTH'S FACE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> BLACK HISTORY MONTH STARTED
AN THURSDAY. 20 MINUTES LATE. DURING A SENATE HEARING --
[ LAUGHTER ] DURING A SENATE HEARING ON CHILD SAFETY ONLINE META CEO MARK
ZUCKERBERG TURNED TO THE AUDIENCE AND APOLOGIZED TO FAMILIES OF CHILDREN HARMED BY
SOCIAL MEDIA. THE FAMILY SAID THEY WERE SURPRISED AND, QUOTE, CHILLED TO
THE BONE. THAT'S A HORRIFYING MAN. >> NBC HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR A
SPINOFF OF SUITS. IT WILL FOCUS ON MEGHAN MARKLE'S STRUGGLE TO BALANCE HER LEGAL
CAREER WHILE ALSO CARING FOR AN UNEMPLOYED IMMIGRANT. >> I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT ONE. A PIZZA HUT IN CANADA HAS GONE VIRAL AFTER EMPLOYEES POSTED A
SIGN ON THE DOOR EXPLAINING THE LOCATION WAS CLOSED DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMCISIONS.
IT WAS OBVIOUSLY A MISPRINT BECAUSE PIZZA HUT LOVES EXTRA TOPPINGS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> A RACEHORSE IN OHIO WHICH HAD WON A RACE EARLIER IN THE DAY
LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR METH. OHIO, WHERE YOU HAVE TO TEST HORSES FOR METH.
>> POLICE IN KANSAS FOUND A STOLEN STATUE HONORING JACKIE ROBINSON BUT SAY THAT IT WAS
DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. ALSO POLICE SHOT IT BECAUSE IT REFUSED TO DROP THE BAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I LIKE THIS CROWD A LOT, MAN. >> A FAMILY IN MICHIGAN WHOSE
DUCK LOST ITS MATE PLACED A PERSONAL AD ONLINE TO FIND THE BIRD A NEW PARTNER, AND IN A
LOVING ACT OF UNDERSTANDING, THEY EVEN SPECIFIED, POWER BOTTOM.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> A WOMAN IN UTAH WHO GAVE BIRTH TO HER EIGHTH CHILD JUST
TWO WEEKS AGO IS COMPETING IN THE MRS. WORLD BEAUTY PAGEANT. I GUESS SHE JUST CAN'T GET
ENOUGH CROWNING. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME
HOW TO GET TICKETS FOR SNL, AND ONE OF THE WAYS IS THROUGH THE TICKET LOTTERY.
HERE TO COMMENT ON HIS EXPERIENCE WINNING A TICKET TO THE SHOW IS 18-YEAR-OLD
C.J.ROSSITANO. >> HI, COLIN. I'M SUCH A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW.
IN FACT, YOU COULD SAY I'VE ALWAYS FELT STRANGELY DRAWN TO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING. ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR MOM AND
DAD? >> I WISH. I NEVER MET MY DAD.
OR AT LEAST I DON'T THINK I HAVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, WOW. WOW. YEAH.
I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT. >> BUT IT'S SUCH AN HONOR TO BE HERE, MR. COLIN, AND IT'S SO
CLOSE BY. ME AND MY MOM LIVE RIGHT OVER ON 47th AND FIFTH.
>> OH, WOW. THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S WHERE MY FORMER
HOUSEKEEPER LIVED. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT A COINCIDENCE, COLIN, MY
MOM'S A FORMER HOUSEKEEPER. * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY
BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON * >> SO YOUR DAD'S NOT IN THE PICTURE?
>> NOPE. MY MAMA NEVER EVEN TOLD ME HIS NAME.
SHE JUST SAID HE WAS KNOWN AS EL DIABLO DE LOS HAMPTONS. >> WOW.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. HE SOUNDS MISUNDERSTOOD.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MY DADDY, MR. COLIN EXCEPT THAT MY MAMA SAID THAT HE HAS AN
UNUSUAL PENIS JUST LIKE MINE. >> UNUSUAL HOW? >> SMALL AND CURLY, LIKE A PIG'S
TAIL. [ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH.
I'VE HEARD IT'S CALLED A PORCINE PENILE ADAPTATION, AND IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY COMMON.
ONE OUT OF EVERY 4 BILLION PEOPLE HAVE IT. >> SO TWO PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE
WORLD? * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY
BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON * >> MY MOM SAYS I'M GETTING MORE AND MORE LIKE MY DADDY EVERY
DAY. I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE A PHONE ANYMORE BECAUSE I WAS
TAKING TOO MANY UPSKIRT PHOTOS. I'VE HAD SOME LUCK TOO, LIKE I'M DATING THIS GORGEOUS GIRL WHO'S
THE LEAD ACTRESS IN ALL THE SCHOOL PLAYS, AND NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT WHY HE'S WITH ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU, COLIN?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NOPE. >> GOSH, COLIN, DON'T YOU
SOMETIMES JUST FEEL LIKE -- >> YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?
AND THERE'S NO REASON TO FEEL THAT WAY? * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE
AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON * >> ANYWAY, THANKS FOR THE
TICKETS, COLIN. I LOVE THE SHOW, ESPECIALLY THAT SARAH SHERMAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEY, LISTEN, SHE MAY BE WAY TOO LOUD, BUT AFTER SHE BLOWS THAT
ONE LINE IN A SKETCH, I LOVE WATCHING HER WALK THAT DUMP TRUCK ASS OUT THE STUDIO.
>> FAVORITE VIEW IN THE CITY, AMIGO. WELL, IT HAS BEEN GREAT HAVING
YOU, SON -- I MEAN. >> DAD? WAIT, ON THE COUNT OF THREE,
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD. ONE, TWO, THREE -- >> COCAINE.
>> PAPA? * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON *
>> MY SON, EVERYONE!
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST, I|M MICHAEL CHE GOODNIGHT
>>> WELCOME BACK TO TRIVIA QUEST WHERE CONTESTANTS CAN WIN UP TO $50,000.
SO FAR, JEFF'S IN THE LEAD. BEFORE WE START THE NEXT ROUND, LET'S GET TO KNOW OUR
CONTESTANTS. MS. AMY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE PRIZE MONEY IF YOU
WIN? >> WELL, WE NEVER GOT THE HONEYMOON WE DESERVE, SO WHEN I
WIN THIS MONEY, WE'RE GOING TO SPEND THE SUMMER VISITING FRANCE.
>> WELL, BONN VOYAGE. NAOMI, WHAT ABOUT YOU? >> WELL, I RECENTLY GRADUATED
FROM SPELLMAN COLLEGE. >> YOU WENT TO SPELLMAN? ME TOO!
CLASS OF '08, AND IT WAS NOT CHEAP. >> SO YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW CRAZY
THOSE STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS ARE. >> DO NOT GET ME STARTED. AND I DON'T USE THAT DEGREE.
I DO THIS. >> IF SALLY MAE CALL MY PHONE ONE MORE TIME --
>> SALLY MAY GET HER ASS BEAT. >> THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO WIN THIS MONEY, PAY OFF THESE LOANS,
AND LIVE MY BEST LIFE. >> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. HOPE YOU WIN, GIRL.
AND FINALLY, JEFF, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT MONEY IF YOU WIN?
>> WELL, ANGIE, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE PRETTY NEAT TO OWN A SPORT FISHING BOAT.
>> OKAY. >> I'M SORRY, GIRL, I CAN'T. SPORT FISHING BOAT.
>> RIGHT. WHY HE AIN'T JUST SAY BOAT? YOU CAN FISH ON ANY BOAT!
>> I ALSO HAVE SOME DEBT FROM ITHACA COLLEGE. >> THAT'S A COOL STORY, JEFF.
LET'S JUST START THE NEXT ROUND. OKAY. VERY FIRST QUESTION HERE.
IN 1993, THIS LEADING MAN WON THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR FOR HIS ROLE IN THE MOVIE
PHILADELPHIA. NAOMI. >> FOREST GUMP.
>> CORRECT. 100 POINTS. SALLY JUST MAY BE GETTING A
CHECK. OKAY? >> I'M SORRY.
THE ANSWER IS TOM HANKS. FOREST GUMP IS FROM A DIFFERENT MOVIE.
>> OKAY. BUT SAME DIFFERENCE, SO GO AHEAD AND RELAX, OKAY?
>> YOU CAN'T GIVE HER POINTS FOR THAT. >> OH, MY BAD.
SO YOU WANT TO HOST THE SHOW? BECAUSE I'LL JUST GO HOME, AMY. >> I'M JUST SAYING --
>> JUST SAYING WHAT? NEXT QUESTION. OF THE SEVEN CONTINENTS, WHICH
IS THE LARGEST? NAOMI? >> I KNOW THIS.
>> AND, GIRL, I BELIEVE YOU. 100 POINTS. >> SHE STILL HASN'T SAID THE
ANSWER. >> YEAH, THAT'S NOT FAIR! >> DAMN, I SEE YOU REALLY TRYING
TO WIN THAT LITTLE BOAT, AIN'T YOU? >> HE IS SO THIRSTY FOR THAT
LITTLE BOAT, GIRL. >> I KNOW, RIGHT. SHOOT, CREEPY ASS.
NEXT QUESTION. OKAY. LET'S GET A GOOD ONE.
SKIP THIS. SKIP THAT ONE. OKAY.
THIS IS GOOD. IN THE MOVIE, BABY BOY. >> TYRESE.
>> YOU ON A ROLL, GIRL. >> THANKS, GIRL. ALSO THAT BLUSH LOOKS REALLY
GOOD ON YOU. IS THAT FENTY? >> OH, MY GOSH.
YES, 100 POINTS. >> LET ME GUESS THE SHADE. SUMMERTIME WINE.
>> YES. 100 MORE. YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR STUFF.
>> I'M ACTUALLY WEARING FENTY LIP GLOSS. >> OKAY.
SO WHAT YOU WANT? >> I'M SORRY. THIS ISN'T FAIR.
SHE'S CLEARLY CHEATING FOR HER BECAUSE SHE'S -- >> BECAUSE I'M WHAT?
>> WHAT IS SHE? >> WHAT AM I? >> SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST.
YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING. >> WHAT AM I? >> WHAT IS SHE?
>> WHAT AM I? >> I'M TRYING TO SAY IT. I WAS GOING TO SAY SHE'S YOUR
FAVORITE. >> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. TO BE CLEAR, Y'ALL, I DO NOT
PLAY FAVORITES. SO FAR, THE CRY BABY'S IN THE LEAD, BESTIE'S IN SECOND, AND
SPLIT ENDS IS NOW IN LAST PLACE. >> WAIT. AM I SPLIT ENDS?
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SOUND MEANS, IT'S TIME FOR THE DAILY TRIPLE.
ANSWER THIS QUESTION CORRECTLY AND YOU WILL WIN TRIPLE THE POINTS.
THIS FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE WHO SERVED IN THE VIETNAM WAR DIED LAST YEAR.
NAOMI. >> GIRL, I BUZZED AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER.
>> THAT'S OKAY. STAY CALM. REMEMBER, YOU CAN ALWAYS PHONE A
FRIEND. >> THANK YOU. >> NO YOU CAN'T!
>> EXCUSE ME. GIRL, IT'S KISSINGER. >> OH, OH, IS IT HENRY
KISSINGER? >> CORRECT! OH, COME ON, NAOMI, YOU ARE
OFFICIALLY IN THE LEAD. >> YOU GAVE HER THE ANSWER. >> YEAH, I WANT A RULING FROM
THE JUDGES. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. JUDGES?
>> WELL, OUR RULING IS, SIS BODIED THAT! >> EXACTLY.
HE TRYING TO MURDER SOMEBODY ON A BOAT. ANYWAY, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE
GOING TO HELP SIS GET THAT MONEY, OKAY? >> DON'T SAY THAT!
>> CREEPY ASS.
SORRY. >> WHAT FLOOR? >> SIXTH, PLEASE.
>> NO, NO, NO. >> COME ON! >> CAN YOU PRESS THE EMERGENCY
BUTTON? >> THIS IS THE ELEVATOR TECHNICIAN.
CAN YOU HEAR ME? >> WE'RE STUCK IN THE SOUTH BANK ELEVATORS.
CAN YOU PLEASE SEND HELP? >> THE FIRE DEPARTMENT SHOULD BE THERE IN 20-25 MINUTES.
TRY TO STAY CALM. >> 25 MINUTES? I'M GOING TO BE LATE PICKING MY
KID UP FROM SCHOOL. >> I ALREADY HAVE TO PEE. >> IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE
SOON, I'M GOING TO WANT TO HOOK UP. >> ME TOO.
>> WHAT WAS THAT? >> I JUST GET REALLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC WHEN I DON'T HOOK
UP. >> AND I HEARD THAT IN ORDER TO SURVIVE THE IMPACT, YOU HAVE TO
HOOK UP. >> SURVIVE? THEY SAID IT WOULD BE LIKE 25
MINUTES. >> SO YOU BELIEVE THE COPS? >> IT'S THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
>> THEY ALL WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL. >> DO YOU TWO WANT TO HOOK UP?
>> WHY, SO YOU CAN WATCH? >> I JUST REALIZED, THERE'S TWO WOMEN AND THREE GUYS.
THE NUMBERS ARE PERFECT, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT. >> THAT IS TRUE.
THERE'S ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE MOUTHS. >> WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO OBSESSED
WITH HOOKING UP? >> DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WE HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY HERE TO
REMAKE SOCIETY. >> BECAUSE LET'S BE REAL. WHATEVER'S OUT THERE, IT'S NOT
WORKING. BUT IN THE ELEVATOR, WE GET TO BUILD SOMETHING NEW.
>> WE DO? >> NO ONE'S COMING TO HELP US. >> WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU.
>> WE CAN START OUR OWN SOCIETY FROM SCRATCH. AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED A
DOCTOR, A MAYOR. >> BECAUSE IN ELEVATOR TOWN, YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE.
>> CAN I BE AN ASTRONAUT? >> OF COURSE YOU CAN, YOUNG MAN. >> WELL, THEN I WANT TO BE A
MAILMAN. >> GREAT. >> WAIT.
I WANT TO BE A MAILMAN TOO. >> WELL, YOU ALREADY PICKED ASTRONAUT.
>> CAN I BE A MAILMAN TOO? >> NO. WE CANNOT HAVE THREE MAILMEN.
>> FINE. THEN I WILL ENGAGE IN THE TOWN'S PROFITS AND I'LL JUST BE AN
ARTIST INSTEAD. >> NEVER MIND, JUST BE A MAILMAN.
BUT YOU NEED TO PICK SOMETHING ELSE. >> OKAY.
I WANT TO BE MARILYN MONROE. >> WHATEVER. >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT DOES
ANYONE WANT TO ACTUALLY LEAVE THE ELEVATOR? >> OR DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH
US? >> TO ELEVATOR TOWN. * IT'S ELEVATOR TOWN, POPULATION
US, IT'S ONLY JUST ONE LAW, YOU GOTTA LOVE HOOKING UP *
SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE. EYES UP HERE. THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHTY. AS PROMISED, SINCE OUR CLASS SOLD THE MOST COOKIE DOUGH,
WE'VE EARNED A VERY SPECIAL EVENT. JOINING US TODAY IS THE
MAGNIFICENT SPECIAL STAGE HYPNOTIST, MR. FANTASMIC. >> HEY THERE, KIDDOS, HOW WE
FEELING? >> WHOO. >> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.
TODAY, I WILL BE PERFORMING THE ART OF HYPNOSIS COMMANDING YOUR VERY MINDS.
NOW, I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE. >> EXCUSE ME.
>> YES, YOUNG MAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO VOLUNTEER? >> ACTUALLY, I'M RAISING MY HAND
TO TELL YOU YOU DO NOT HAVE THE CONSENT TO HYPNOTIZE ME. MY MAMA DIDN'T SIGN NO PAPER, I
DIDN'T SIGN NO PAPER. YOU DO NOT HAVE MY CONSENT. >> SURE.
GOT IT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON? >> SOLOMON.
>> COOL. SO SOLOMON, THIS IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL.
>> GOOD. BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO HYPNOTIZE ME, FIRST CALL I MAKE WILL BE TO
MY MOTHER, AND THE SECOND CALL I MAKE WILL BE TO THE POLICE. I GOT ONE OF THEM TRAINING
PHONES WITH ONLY TWO BUTTONS, SO IT WILL BE QUICK. >> SOLOMON, HON, TAKE IT EASY.
SORRY. >> NOT AT ALL. NO WORRIES.
VOLUNTEER? HOW ABOUT YOU, MISS? >> ME?
SURE. >> GREAT. PLEASE, COME ON UP.
NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES. LISTEN CLOSELY. TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND WHEN I
SNAP MY FINGERS, YOUR MIND WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE MIND OF A >> OKAY.
EXCELLENT. ON MY COUNT. ONE, TWO --
>> I AM BISEXUAL! OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, WAR
LOCK? WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME SAID? >> UM, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO
YOU, BUDDY. >> YOU HYPNOTIZED ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, DEVIL MAN.
YOU HAVE TAKEN UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF MY MIND WITHOUT MY CONSENT.
>> YOU'RE NOT HYPNOTIZED. >> WHEN MY MOTHER FINDS OUT YOU MADE ME TELL EVERYONE I'M BI.
>> SO MAYBE WE CHILL OUT A LITTLE BIT. >> MY SPIRIT IS COVERED BY THE
SACRED SPIRIT OF JESUS. I'M A CHILD OF ABRAHAM, AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I DO NOT GIVE
MY CONSENT TO BE HYPNOTIZED. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY SECRETS? I'M BI!
WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME SAID? >> OKAY. FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT MAKING
THIS LITTLE BOY SAY HE'S BI. >> SOLOMON, HON, YOU'RE FREAKING PEOPLE OUT, OKAY?
>> HE POSSESSED MY WILL AND SIEFENNED MY SECRETS. HE MADE ME TELL EVERYONE I'M BI.
>> LET GO OF SOLOMON'S MIND! >> HE'S FINE. I'M NOT EVEN A REAL HYPNOTIST.
>> THE DEVIL MAY DISGUISE HIMSELF AS A FRIEND, BUT BEWARE BECAUSE HE MAY APPEAR AS A
HYPNOTIST. >> HEY! LET GO OF THAT BOY'S MIND RIGHT
NOW. >> WHO ARE YOU? >> YOU LISTEN TO ME,
MR. FANTASMIC, LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPON AND RELEASE THAT LITTLE BISEXUAL BOY FROM YOUR MAGIC.
RELEASE HIM! >> MY FINAL CONFESSION, I HAVE TO CONTROL --
* TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR * OH, MY
* TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR * NO!
MY FINAL SECRET, THAT I'M ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD SINGER, HAS BEEN REVEALED!
>> OKAY. SO YOU DID ALL THIS JUST TO SHOW EVERYONE YOU COULD SING?
>> YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. >> I THINK IT GOT ME TOO. * CAN'T LIVE CAN'T BREATHE WITH
NO AIR * >> I'M GETTING AN UBER. * BUT HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO
LIVE ALONE WITH JUST ME 'CUZ MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** ** **
* I WATCHED MY MOTHER MISS OUT ON HER LIFE ALL THOSE COULD HAVE BEENS
BECAME HER SACRIFICE * * BUT HERE IN THE DARKNESS IT'S NOT THE FUTURE
NOR THE PAST * * AND CAUSE IT'S MEANT TO BE WITH YOU BOY
IT WILL LAST YOU MET ME HALFWAY * * GROWING PAINS
BROKE SOME CHAINS IN EVERY CHAPTER NOW WE KNOW *
* WHAT IT TAKES FOR OUR EVER AFTER TOOK SOME LEFTS *
* NOW WE'RE RIGHT HERE WHERE WE ARE AND I SING
THIS IS ME NOW * * THIS IS ME NOW AND I TOOK MY TIME
LOT OF WINTERS SUMMERS BABY * * HAD TO HEAL MY HEART
BUT I LOVE WHO I AM LATELY THIS IS ME NOW * * WHEN I WAS A GIRL
THEY'D ASK ME WHAT I'D BE WHAT YOU GON' BE * * A WOMAN IN LOVE
IS WHAT I GREW UP WANTIN' TO BE * * IN LOVE'S
WHAT I WANTED TO BE IT'S MY MELODY THE SYMPHONY I SEEK *
* AND YOUR EVERY WORD GAVE ME STRENGTH TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS
YOU MET ME HALFWAY * * FACE TO FACE TELL THE TRUTH
NO HOLDING BACK WE * * PUT IN WORK
OVERCAME ALL THE DISASTERS TIME APART PUT US RIGHT HERE *
* WHERE WE ARE WHERE WE'RE MEANT TO BE AND I SING
THIS IS ME NOW * * LOVE ME AS I AM THIS IS ME NOW
AND I TOOK MY TIME * * LOT OF WINTERS
SUMMERS BABY HAD TO HEAL MY HEART MY HEART *
* BUT I LOVE WHO I AM LATELY THIS IS ME NOW GOTTA LEARN TO LEARN
GOTTA LEARN TO GROW * * GOTTA FIND MY WAY YEAH
TAKE ME AS I AM AND I'LL TAKE YOU * * AS YOU ARE
AND WE'LL BUILD THIS LIFE TOGETHER I FOUND MY SHOOTING STAR *
* THE DOUBLE THE SHINE THE GREENER THE DIAMOND ONE OF A KIND
THE CLEARER THE TIMING * * AIN'T NOTHING CHANGE YOU KNOW PAPS GOIN'CRAZY
AHH BEEP BEEP * * PULL UP IN A
BLACK BUGAZZI BABY GOT A LOVE THAT LAST FOREVER *
* OLD TINGZ NEW TINGZ IT'S A NEW LEVEL ALL GAS NO BREAKS
YOU COULD COME REV IT BABY * * I'M READY I'M READY
LOVE ME AS I AM * * THIS IS ME NOW
THIS IS ME NOW AND I TOOK MY TIME BABY *
* LOT OF WINTER SUMMERS BABY MY HEART
HAD TO DO IT FOR MYSELF * * GOT A LOT TO LEARN GOTTA LEARN TO GROW
AND FIND MY WAY YEAH * * THIS IS ME NOW
THIS IS ME NOW * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
COURT. IN TODAY'S CASE, MARLEEN DAVIS IS SUING HER FORMER HAIRDRESSER
FOR $3,000 IN DAMAGES AFTER SHE RECEIVED, QUOTE, THE HAIR CUT FROM HELL.
>> AND THIS IS SHAUNA CLAIMING SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE AND, QUOTE, GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY.
>> GOOD DAY, EVERYONE. YOU MAY BE SEATED. ALL RIGHT, MS. DAVIS.
YOUR COMPLAINT IS THAT YOU RECEIVED A BAD HAIR CUT FROM THE DEFENDANT.
BUT FROM WHEN I CAN SEE, IT LOOKS FINE. >> YOUR HONOR, IT IS NOT FINE.
LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS WHAT I'M LEFT WITH. THIS IS ME RIGHT HERE ALL DAY
EVERY DAY. >> GOD DAMN! >> LET THE RECORD SHOW MS. DAVIS
IS REVEALING HER EXPOSED BRAIN. >> YOUR HONOR, THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.
SHE CAME UP IN MY SHOP LOOKING A MESS. I CLEANED HER ASS UP.
>> GIRL, MY BRAIN IS OUT OF MY DAMN HEAD. THIS INJURY HAS BEEN A
NIGHTMARE. I LOST MY JOB AT THE ZOO BECAUSE THE QUOTES KEPT LICKING MY BRAIN
AND GETTING SICK. >> YOUR HONOR, LET THE RECORD SHOW SHE LYING.
SHE LOVES IT. I SAW HER AT THE CLUB LAST NIGHT BRAIN DOWN, ASS UP.
>> NO, I WASN'T. >> YES, YOU WAS. >> ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
>> THAT'S HOW IT WENT DOWN, YOUR HONOR. >> ALL RIGHT, MS. DAVIS, IT
APPEARS THAT NOW MORE THAN ANYTHING, YOU NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL.
>> OKAY. FIRST OFF, NO. I YA LET MY EX-BOYFRIEND SEE ME
LIKE THIS. HE WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL. >> HE PROBABLY JUST AN RN.
>> HE GETS PAID TO GIVE BLOOD. IRREGARDLESS, I CAN'T LET HIM SEE ME LIKE THIS.
>> LOOK LIKE IT HURT. >> LOOK LIKE YOU NEED TO MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.
IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND WHEN IT'S WINDY OUT, I CAN FEEL MY MEMORIES GETTING BLOWN AWAY.
>> HOW ON EARTH DID IT GET THIS BAD? >> LET ME EXPLAIN.
SHE CAME UP TO ME IN MY SALON AND SAID MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THIS. >> LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT IS A
PHOTO OF MARGE SIMPSON FROM THE SHOW THE SIMPSONS. >> THIS IS NO FAULT OF MINE, I
HAVE A PLETHORA OF HAPPY CLIENTS. MY MOST LOYAL CLIENT BEEN COMING
TO ME FOR THREE YEARS. >> HELLO, YOUR HONOR. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT SHAUNA
HAS NEVER DONE ME WRONG. I WOULD NEVER GO TO ANYONE ELSE. I STOP TRAFFIC, OKAY?
>> NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU THINK. >> NOW, MRS. WHITE, TELL ME, HAS
YOUR HAIRLINE ALWAYS STARTED IN THE PAST. OH, SNAP.
>> OH, SNAP. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. IF YOU JUST GOING TO BE DISRESPECTFUL, I'M JUST GOING TO
LEAVE THEN. >> OH, MY GOD! OH!
>> BRAIN POPPING OUT THE BACK TOO. >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I CAME
HERE. CAN SOMEONE BLOW ON THE BACK OF MY BRAIN SO I CAN JUST FORGET
TODAY? >> I GOT YOU, GIRL. >> YOUR HONOR, SHE NEEDS TO PAY
UP. >> UM, NO. YOU NOT GETTING ONE RED CENT,
THAT'S THE COLOR OF PENNIES. >> I DON'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT PART OF MY BRAIN IS GONE.
>> WELL, YOU WASN'T USING IT ANYWAY. >> I'M ABOUT TO USE PART OF MY
FOOT TO PUT IT IN YOUR -- >> IN MY WHAT? IN MY WHAT?
>> ORDER. ORDER. NOW, I'M NOT SURE WHO NEEDS TO
PAY WHO. BUT I HOPE ALL INVOLVED GO TO HELL WHEN THEY DIE.
I AIN'T SAYING DIE NOW, BUT WHENEVER YOU DO, I HOPE HELL IS WHERE YOU GO.
BUT I TELL YOU WHERE I'M ABOUT TO GO, CHILI'S. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M ABOUT TO CHECK
OUT THAT TWO FOR TWO. PEACE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU TO JENNIFER LOPEZ!
TO REDMAN, TO NIKKI HALEY, AND TO THIS AMAZING CAST. THIS CAST, THIS CAST, THIS CAST,
THIS CREW! EVERYBODY RUNNING ME AROUND. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE. THE SHOW'S BEEN AMAZING. I LOVE YOU.
GOOD NIGHT. YEAH.