1 00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:08,842 HALL LIVE FROM COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA. 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:15,882 >>> HELLO, EVERYONE. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, AND WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA. 3 00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:21,488 WE ARE YOUR HOSTS TONIGHT. I'M CHARLES BARKLEY. >> AND I AM GAYLE KING. 4 00:00:21,488 --> 00:00:28,228 AND WE'RE THE COHOSTS OF A REAL CNN SHOW THAT COMBINES OUR TWO NAMES, KING CHARLES. 5 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:33,566 >> YEAH. I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE GAY BAR. BUT THEN I WAS TOLD THAT THAT 6 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:37,637 WAS TERRIBLE. >> YES. TONIGHT, THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH 7 00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:42,542 CAROLINA WILL ASK FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP QUESTIONS ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUES AFFECTING THEIR 8 00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:47,480 LIVES. >> AND I'LL ASK MYSELF QUESTIONS LIKE CAN YOU BET ON A TOWN HALL. 9 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:53,286 YOU SURE CAN ON FANDUEL. >> NOW, PLEASE WELCOME THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED 10 00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:58,024 STATES. >> HE'S BEEN AROUND THE COURT MORE THAN ME, AND I WAS IN THE 11 00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:01,094 NBA. PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 12 00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:06,599 THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO THE FEW OF YOU WHO ARE APPLAUDING. I LOVE BEING HERE IN THE GREAT 13 00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:08,968 STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA. FRANKLY ONE OF THE TOP TWO CAROLINAS. 14 00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:13,306 SOUTH CAROLINA, THE FIRST STATE TO SECEDE FROM THE UNION, AND NOT THE LAST, I THINK. 15 00:01:13,306 --> 00:01:18,311 GOING TO SEE A LOT OF THAT WHEN I WIN. 50 STATES IS WAY TOO MANY. 16 00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:24,718 I THINK WE COULD GET IT BACK DOWN TO 12 OR 13 AGAIN. >> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING 17 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:28,321 ABOUT, MAN? THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE HEARD, AND I WORK WITH SHAQ. 18 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:38,264 >> OUR FIRST QUESTION TONIGHT COMES FROM AN AUTO WORKER AT THE ASSEMBLY PLANT FOR VOLVO. 19 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:43,403 >> WHICH IS ALSO THE MEDICAL TERM FOR HOO-HA. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, I VOTED FOR 20 00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:49,109 YOU IN 2016 AND 2020. >> WOW, YOU FELL FOR IT TWICE. >> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN 21 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:55,415 DEFEAT JOE BIDEN THIS TIME? >> WELL, I THINK I'M DOING EVEN BETTER THIS TIME IN TERMS OF 22 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:59,919 HISPANIC. I LIKE TO SAY I PUT THE PANIC IN HISPANIC. 23 00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:04,257 PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HAVING AN ALLEGED CRIMINAL LIKE JOE BIDEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 24 00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:09,162 THEY WANT A CONVICTED CRIMINAL. SOMEONE THEY CAN TRUST TO GET THE CRIMES DONE RIGHT. 25 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:14,668 >> SOMEHOW THAT'S WHAT I WANTED >> YOU KEEP DOING YOU, HOMEY. >> YEAH. 26 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:19,205 NEXT WE HAVE A SINGLE MOM WHO'S CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED. >> WOW. 27 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:24,944 GUYS ARE GOING TO BE LINING UP AFTER THAT DESCRIPTION. PRESIDENT TRUMP, IF ELECTED, 28 00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:30,283 WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO STOP TAYLOR SWIFT FROM INFILTRATING THE SUPER BOWL AND STEALING THE 29 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:33,486 ELECTION? >> YOU KNOW, THANK YOU. THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE 30 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:43,129 SMARTEST AND MOST RESEARCHED QUESTIONS I THINK POSSIBLY EVER. YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT BIDEN 31 00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:51,404 HAS BRAINWASHED TAY-TAY. THEY'RE USING HER IN SOMETHING CALLING CYOPS, STARTED WITH THE 32 00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:57,977 GREAT RAPPER CY. TOLD ME HE NEEDED A NEW STYLE. I SAID WHAT ABOUT GANGHAM. 33 00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:07,887 NOW THEY'VE GOT TAY-TAY PRETENDING TO DATE TRAY DAY. HE CAN'T EVEN GET TAYLOR TICKETS 34 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:16,896 NEAR THE FIELD. HE'S GOT HER WAY UP IN A LITTLE BOX. 35 00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:19,499 SO SAD. >> I'M SORRY. HOW EXACTLY WILL TAYLOR SWIFT 36 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:25,772 BEING AT THE SUPER BOWL MAKE BIDEN WIN THE ELECTION? >> THE CLUES ARE ALL THERE IF 37 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:31,845 YOU LOOK AT THE MIDNIGHTS TRACK LIST. THE RAVENS WERE THERE BUT GOT 38 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:36,383 CAUGHT BY THE CHIEFS. PAUL RUDD WHO'S FROM WHERE, KANSAS CITY. 39 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:49,229 THE NEXT FOUR SONGS CONTAIN EXACTLY 49 LETTERS PLUS E-R-S, 49ers. 40 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:55,602 IT WILL BE KARMA FOR SWEET NOTHING, AKA, BIDEN'S BRAIN, THAT THE MASTERMIND BEHIND IT 41 00:03:55,602 --> 00:04:02,409 ALL WILL OF COURSE BE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. THAT ALL ADDS UP TO, BING, BING, 42 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:10,483 BING, BONG, ANOTHER STOLEN ELECTION, TAYLOR'S VERSION. >> MY GOD. 43 00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:16,823 I WAS SKEPTICAL AT FIRST, BUT NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE. >> OUR NEXT QUESTION COMES FROM 44 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:21,728 SOMEONE WHO SAYS HE REALLY, REALLY LIKES PRESIDENT TRUMP TIMES A MILLION. 45 00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:26,099 SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR, TIM SCOTT. >> HEY, DONALD, IT'S ME. 46 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:31,438 YOUR BEST FRIEND, TIM SCOTT. I FLEW ALL THE WAY TO NEW HAMPSHIRE TO ENDORSE YOU. 47 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,441 REMEMBER? >> VAGUELY. >> I DON'T HAVE A QUESTION. 48 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:39,312 I HAVE A STATEMENT. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY YOU ARE THE BESTEST MOST HANDSOMEST 49 00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:43,083 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE I'VE EVER SEEN. I LOOK AT YOU AND THINK, IS THAT 50 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:47,287 HOT LINCOLN? >> THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH EVEN FOR ME. 51 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:51,458 TIM SCOTT, EVERYBODY. HE'S A LOT LIKE SCOTT TOILET PAPER. 52 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:55,095 THERE'S NOT MUCH THERE, YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING. 53 00:04:55,095 --> 00:05:00,934 >> OKAY. OUR NEXT QUESTION COMES FROM SOMEONE WHO DESCRIBES HERSELF AS 54 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,569 A CONCERNED SOUTH CAROLINA VOTER. >> YES. 55 00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:10,310 HELLO. [ APPLAUSE ] MY QUESTION IS WHY WON'T YOU 56 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,513 DEBATE NIKKI HALEY? >> OH, MY GOD. IT'S HER. 57 00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:20,053 THE WOMAN WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF SECURITY ON JANUARY 6th. IT'S NANCY PELOSI. 58 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:26,059 >> FOR THE 100th TIME, THAT IS NOT NANCY PELOSI. IT IS NIKKI HALEY. 59 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:31,264 >> ARE YOU DOING OKAY, DONALD? YOU MIGHT NEED A MENTAL COMPETENCY TEST. 60 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:35,935 >> I TOOK THE TEST AND I ACED IT. PERFECT SCORE. 61 00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:40,607 THEY SAID I'M 100% MENTAL. I'M CONFIDENT BECAUSE I'M A MAN. THAT'S WHY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER 62 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:44,077 RUN OUR ECONOMY. WOMEN SHOULD NEVER RUN OUR COUNTRY. 63 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:50,283 A WOMAN I KNOW ASKED ME FOR $83.3 MILLION. >> AND YOU SPENT $50 MILLION IN 64 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,887 YOUR OWN LEGAL FEES. DO YOU NEED TO BORROW SOME MONEY? 65 00:05:53,887 --> 00:06:04,164 >> OH, NIKKI, DON'T DO THIS. NIKKI, DON'T LOSE THAT NUMBER. NIKKI HALEY JOEL OSMENT WE CALL 66 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,733 HER. REMEMBER THE SIXTH SENSE? I SEE DEAD PEOPLE. 67 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:10,937 >> THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY IF THEY SEE YOU AND JOE ON THE BALLOT. 68 00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:17,043 >> THAT'S NOT VERY NICE, NIKKI. IT'S NOT NICE. AND I'M ALWAYS VERY NICE TO YOU 69 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:22,782 EXCEPT FOR WHEN I'M IMPLYING YOU WEREN'T BORN IN THIS COUNTRY, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FROM SOUTH 70 00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:26,686 CAROLINA AND NOW I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU IN YOUR STATE. >> AND DID YOU WIN YOUR HOME 71 00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:32,759 STATE IN THE LAST ELECTION? >> I WON STATEN ISLAND AND THE PARTS OF LONG ISLAND WHERE THE 72 00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:36,663 FIST FIGHTS HAPPEN, WHERE THEY GET OUT OF THE CARS IF YOU HONK AT THEM. 73 00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:43,470 I LOVE MY WORLD STAR WHITES. >> ALL RIGHT. WELL, THAT IS A NEW ONE ON ME. 74 00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:49,309 OKAY. WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION, AND IT'S ACTUALLY FOR 75 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:59,219 AMBASSADOR HALEY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I WAS JUST CURIOUS, WHAT 76 00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:04,724 WOULD YOU SAY WAS THE MAIN CAUSE OF THE CIVIL WAR, AND DO YOU THINK IT STARTS WITH AN S AND 77 00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:08,895 ENDS WITH A LAVERY? >> YEP. I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT 78 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:12,932 I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT THE FIRST TIME, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT. 79 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:24,044 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 80 00:08:39,352 --> 00:09:10,450 FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST -- JENNIFER LOPEZ. 81 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:15,789 AND YOUR HOST -- AYO EDEBIRI. 82 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:46,186 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU! 83 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:52,058 THANK YOU VERY MUCH! MY NAME IS AYO EDEBIRI, AND I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. 84 00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:58,131 SNL MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. THIS REALLY IS A DREAM COME TRUE. 85 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:06,072 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BOSTON, WHICH MAKES ME THE FIRST BLACK 86 00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:10,276 WOMAN TO EVER ADMIT THAT. YEAH. THREE DAYS INTO FEBRUARY, AND 87 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:15,015 I'M ALREADY MAKING BLACK HISTORY. BUT I WAS RAISED IN BOSTON BY AN 88 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:20,653 IMMIGRANT FAMILY. WE ARE BOTH AFRICAN AND CARIBBEAN, SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT 89 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:24,357 MEANS, I'M IN THERAPY. THERE WERE A LOT OF HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR ALL OF US. 90 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:31,398 A LOT OF MY COUSINS ARE DOCTORS AND LAWYERS AND PROFESSORS, SO WHILE THEY WERE BUSY SAVING 91 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:39,039 LIVES AND TEACHING CHILDREN, I WAS DOING SOMETHING EQUALLY NOTABLE, STANDUP ECONOMIC SHOWS 92 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:45,812 IN THE BACK OF LAUND RO MATS. BUT NOW I'M PROUD TO SAY I'M THE COUSIN WHO MADE THE BIGGEST 93 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:53,019 TURNAROUND, AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE APPROVAL OF ALL NIGERIAN AUNTS 94 00:10:53,019 --> 00:11:01,361 AND UNCLED ON WHAT'S APP. SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM A SHOW CALLED THE BEAR. 95 00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:06,099 IT'S ABOUT THE KITCHEN STAFF AT A CHICAGO RESTAURANT. AND IT'S SUCH A FUN SHOW TO WORK 96 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:10,303 ON. BUT WHEN I GOT CAST, I WAS TOLD THERE WAS GOING TO BE A LOT OF 97 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:13,773 RESEARCH. BEFORE SHOOTING THE FIRST SEASON, WE ALL HAD TO WORK IN 98 00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:19,746 ACTUAL RESTAURANTS SO WE COULD CAPTURE THAT KITCHEN ENERGY. WHEN PEOPLE SAW MY COSTAR JEREMY 99 00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:26,453 ALLEN WHITE WORKING IN A RESTAURANT, THEY THOUGHT, HE MUST BE PREPARING FOR A ROLE, SO 100 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:32,258 METHOD. WHEN THEY SAW ME, THEY WOULD BE LIKE, HOW MUCH LONGER FOR MY 101 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:39,432 TILAPIA. BEFORE ALL THIS, I WAS A STANDUP COMIC IN NEW YORK CITY. 102 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:43,603 FIRST EVER ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OPEN MICS. BUT I REALLY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO 103 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:49,242 THE SHOW, AND I JUST HAD SO MANY IDEAS. I ACTUALLY ONCE WROTE A PACT, 104 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:53,580 BUT I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE NERVE TO SUBMIT IT AND I PRINTED IT OUT. 105 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:57,584 IS IT OKAY IF I SHARE SOME STUFF? OH, MY GOD. 106 00:11:57,584 --> 00:12:02,055 THIS IS TAKING ME BACK. YEAH. THIS ONE, I SEE RIGHT HERE. 107 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:07,260 YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SKETCH BLACK JEOPARDY? SO I WANTED TO DO A SKETCH 108 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:12,232 CALLED WHITE JEOPARDY WHICH DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE IT WAS JUST WHITE PEOPLE PLAYING JEOPARDY. 109 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:17,370 AND THIS ONE, JUST -- I LOVE A CHARACTER WITH A CATCH PHRASE, YOU KNOW, LIKE CATCH PHRASES 110 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:24,177 WORK BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN SAY THEM AND GET A BIG REACTION, AND THIS ONE WAS HOP ON TO IT NOW. 111 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:27,147 IT'S NOT BAD. IT'S NOT THE WORST. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 112 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:31,451 ANYONE CAN SAY IT, A CAST MEMBER, A HOST. JUST IMAGINE KENAN BEING LIKE, 113 00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:40,293 HOP ON TO IT NOW, YOU KNOW? OR THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND JUST BEING LIKE, HOP ON TO IT NOW. 114 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:45,265 TRADE MARKING THAT TONIGHT. OKAY. YEAH, I THINK WE'RE DONE WITH 115 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:51,338 THIS. BURN IT. GENUINELY, I AM SO EXCITED FOR 116 00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:56,543 TONIGHT. I CAME UP IN THE NEW YORK COMEDY SCENE WITH SOME OF MY BEST 117 00:12:56,543 --> 00:13:02,248 FRIENDS WHO I AM SO BLESSED TO BE WORKING WITH HERE TONIGHT, AND IT REALLY TRULY FEELS LIKE A 118 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:07,420 HOMECOMING, AND I THINK I'VE BEEN UP HERE LONG ENOUGH, SO THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE THING TO 119 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,590 SAY. LET'S HOP ON TO IT NOW. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 120 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:15,595 TONIGHT. JENNIFER LOPEZ IS HERE STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK 121 00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:27,140 >>> IT'S THE GAME SHOW EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT. IT'S WHY'D YOU SAY IT WITH YOUR 122 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:35,749 HOST, DANNY DONNIGAN. >> HEY, THERE. WELCOME TO WHY'D YOU SAY IT. 123 00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:38,785 TONIGHT'S CONTESTANTS ARE DANNY. >> HEY THERE. >> TYLER. 124 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:43,390 >> WHAT'S UP, WORLD? >> AND ANNIE. >> HI, DANNY. 125 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:47,327 I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS GAME IS, BUT I'M EXCITED TO PLAY. >> WELL, THE GAME IS EASY. 126 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:54,734 WE SHOW YOU A COMMENT YOU LEFT ON INSTAGRAM AND ASK YOU THE SIMPLE QUESTION, WHY'D YOU SAY 127 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:59,172 IT. >> OH. NO THANK YOU. 128 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:04,577 >> AS USUAL, ONE CONTESTANT HAS LEFT IMMEDIATELY. LET'S BRING IN OUR BACKUP 129 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:11,351 CONTESTANT JENNY. >> HEY. EXCITED TO PLAY. 130 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:16,856 WHAT'S THIS GAME? >> YOU'LL FIND OUT. ALL RIGHT, ANNIE, LET'S START 131 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:21,394 WITH YOU. >> DO I HAVE TO? >> YES! 132 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:26,800 OKAY. DREW BARRYMORE PREVIOUSLY AND FAMOUSLY POSTED THIS VIDEO ON 133 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:34,107 HER INSTAGRAM. >> WHENEVER YOU CAN GO OUT INTO THE RAIN, DO NOT MISS THE 134 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:40,080 OPPORTUNITY! >> JUST A SWEET WOMAN ENJOYING THE RAIN. 135 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:50,156 AND YOU COMMENTED, DIE. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHY'D YOU SAY IT? 136 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:57,297 >> UM, I MEANT DIE, LIKE I'M DYING. I LOVE THIS VID SO MUCH 137 00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:01,034 [ BUZZER ] I MEANT SLAY, BUT I FORGOT THE WORD 138 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:06,473 [ BUZZER ] I SAW SOMEONE BEING HAPPY AND WANTED THEM TO FEEL THE EXACT 139 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,808 OPPOSITE. >> THAT'S CLOSE BUT IT'S NOT THE FULL ANSWER. 140 00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:14,414 >> I'M ALONE A LOT. SOME DAYS, I DON'T EVEN INTERACT WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AND I 141 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:20,687 START WONDERING AM I DEAD, IS LIFE REAL, SO I POST COMMENTED THAT I THINK WILL GET A RESPONSE 142 00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:26,226 FROM SOMEONE BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE CERTAIN I'M ALIVE. 143 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:30,497 [ DINGING ] >> THAT IS CORRECT. >> I REALLY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND 144 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:35,235 WHAT THIS SHOW WAS WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR IT. >> THEN DON'T SIGN UP FOR STUFF. 145 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,338 ALL RIGHT. NEXT UP IS TYLER. >> I WOULD LIKE TO GO HOME 146 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:44,177 PLEASE. >> YOU CAN'T. RECENTLY, AOC POSTED A PICTURE 147 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:49,082 WITH A CAPTION EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD BE ELIGIBLE FOR HEALTH CARE. 148 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:54,754 YOU COMMENTED, HOT FOR CONGRESS, BUT AT A PARTY. MID. 149 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:57,924 STILL SMASH THOUGH. SO THE QUESTION IS WHY'D YOU SAY IT? 150 00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:02,362 >> I GOT HACKED. [ BUZZER ] INSTAGRAM GOT HACKED 151 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:06,433 [ BUZZER ] MY ASS TYPED IT ON A BUMPY BUS [ BUZZER ] 152 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:11,938 I GUESS I THOUGHT SHE WOULD SEE MY COMMENT AND SHE WOULD COMMENT BACK, AND WE WOULD GET INTO A 153 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:17,744 FIGHT THAT GETS REALLY HEATED, FIRST SHE SLAPS ME AND THEN KISSES ME AND BEFORE YOU KNOW 154 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:23,416 IT, WE'RE HAVING SEX [ DINGING ] >> AND YOUR WIFE IS IN THE 155 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,119 AUDIENCE HERE TODAY. >> NO, SHE'S NOT. >> YOU CAN TRY TO MANIFEST ALL 156 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:31,691 YOU WANT, BUT IT DOESN'T CHANGE THAT SHE'S HERE. >> YOU TOLD ME YOU DON'T HAVE AN 157 00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:34,928 INSTAGRAM. >> YOUR NOT REAL, AND NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. 158 00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:37,464 >> WOW. SAD. MOVING ON. 159 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:44,537 JENNY, CNN POSTED A NEWS STORY OF A NEW YORK FACTORY EXPLODING. YOU COMMENTED, SO AWFUL, MOVE ME 160 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:51,945 TO WRITE THIS SONG WITH A NONWORKING LINK TO A SONG TITLED "THE JAGER MADE ME DO IT." 161 00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:56,116 SO THE QUESTION IS, WHY'D YOU SAY IT? >> I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP 162 00:16:56,116 --> 00:17:00,387 PEOPLE COPE WITH THE TRAGEDY. [ BUZZER ] I THOUGHT IT WOULD PROVIDE 163 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:03,189 CLOSURE [ BUZZER ] MY SONG HAS AN IMPORTANT 164 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:11,097 MESSAGE. >> LET ME PLAY A SNIPPET. * WASN'T GONNA DO IT, BUT THE 165 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:20,540 JAGER MADE ME DO IT * >> WHY'D YOU SAY IT? >> I'M THREE DAYS FROM HAVING TO 166 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:27,147 MOVE BACK TO OHIO BECAUSE I SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY RECORDING THE JAGER MADE ME DO IT, AND IT 167 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:34,821 HAS 279 VIEWS ON YOUTUBE, AND THE ONLY COMMENT IS, WOULD SMASH. 168 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,257 >> YOU'RE WELCOME BY THE WAY. >> OKAY. OKAY. 169 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:42,395 WE GET IT. IT'S WRONG TO LEAVE MEAN COMMENTS OR POST COMMENTS JUST 170 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:47,701 FOR CLOUT OR RUN YOUR MOUTH ON A PODCAST AND YOU DON'T CONSIDER THE IMPACT BECAUSE YOU'RE 24 AND 171 00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:53,073 STUPID, BUT I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GOING TO BE A LOT MORE 172 00:17:53,073 --> 00:18:00,714 THOUGHTFUL ABOUT WHAT WE POST ONLINE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 173 00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:06,119 >> AW. THAT'S SWEET. IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID IF TWO 174 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:14,194 MINUTES AGO, YOU DIDN'T POST THIS COMMENT ON MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM UNDER THIS PHOTO OF ME 175 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:22,435 AND MY 3-YEAR-OLD SON. YOU WROTE, WHAT DISEASE HE HAVE. [ LAUGHTER ] 176 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,772 >> I CANNOT CHANGE. [ DINGING ] >> THAT IS CORRECT. 177 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:30,543 ALL RIGHT. AFTER THE BREAK, IT'S ROUND TWO. WHY DID YOU COMMENT COOL UNDER A 178 00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:35,348 WHY DID YOU COMMENT COOL UNDER A MOVIE TRAILER WHEN YOU COULD HAVE JUST SMILED TO YOURSELF? 179 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:47,460 >> HEY. >> ARE YOU GONNA BE AROUND AFTER SCHOOL? 180 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:52,766 >> DEFINITELY. >> COOL. ME TOO. 181 00:18:52,766 --> 00:18:56,369 >> GABBY IS SO CUTE. >> SERIOUSLY, BRO. >> I KNOW. 182 00:18:56,369 --> 00:19:00,206 LOOK, CAN I TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING? >> YEAH, OF COURSE. 183 00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:06,413 >> SO MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN TONIGHT, WHICH MEANS I'M GOING TO HAVE THE HOUSE TO 184 00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:11,518 MYSELF. >> WAIT. DOES THAT MEAN -- 185 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:20,827 >> I THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT. FOR REAL. 186 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:38,912 * I'VE BEEN READY FOR THIS MOMENT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME, AND IT'S HAPPENING TONIGHT * 187 00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:49,723 * BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL, AND NOW THAT I'VE FOUND IT, IT FINALLY FEELS SO RIGHT * 188 00:19:49,723 --> 00:19:59,399 * 'CUZ I'M A GENTLE TEENAGE BOY WITH AN INNOCENT HEART BUT YOU FOUND A WAY TO TOUCH IT * 189 00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:06,539 * AND NOW THAT MY PARENTS ARE GONE, I'M GONNA LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO THE DUNE POPCORN 190 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:25,825 BUCKET * * OH, PLAY MY HEART STRINGS JUST LIKE A FIDDLE, OH, OH * 191 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:33,366 * AND I'M NOT SCARED OF THE TEETH IN THE MIDDLE * * DAD, I'M SORRY, I DON'T LIKE 192 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:39,739 BOYS, I LIKE THE DUNE POPCORN BUCKET, BUCKET, BUCKET * >> WAIT, WHAT? 193 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:45,278 * AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY GRADES ANYMORE, JUST WANT THAT DUNE POPCORN BUCKET, BUCKET, 194 00:20:45,278 --> 00:21:00,894 BUCKET * * OH, OH, OH, OH, LITTLE BIT OF BUTTER MAKES IT FEEL SO GOOD * 195 00:21:00,894 --> 00:21:15,308 * OH, OH, OH, OH, GETTING IT UP TO THE SHAI-HUMUD * * AROUND THE WORLD, CHILDREN 196 00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:23,883 WILL BUY THIS, THAT DUNE POPCORN BUCKET * * WE DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP, THIS 197 00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:33,093 IS A REAL THING, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE DUNE 2 * * EATING POPCORN OUT OF MY 198 00:21:33,093 --> 00:21:42,335 BUCKET, THEN I'LL TAKE IT HOME AND [ BLEEP ] IT * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 199 00:21:42,335 --> 00:21:47,107 >>> I KNEW GRAD SCHOOL WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH, BUT NO ONE SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE PAINFUL. 200 00:21:47,107 --> 00:21:53,346 MY BACKPACK SO SO HEAVY. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN AS MY BACKPACK FALLS OFF FROM THE 201 00:21:53,346 --> 00:21:58,785 PAIN. >> IT WAS SO NICE FOR PROFESSOR COLLIN TO ASSIGN DOUBLE READING 202 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:00,754 THIS WEEK. >> REMEMBER HAVING A LIFE? >> NO. 203 00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:07,227 WHAT'S THIS LIFE YOU SPEAK OF? >> HILARIOUS, DOUGLAS. ZACHARY'S NOT STRESSED AT ALL. 204 00:22:07,227 --> 00:22:17,570 >> I GAVE MYSELF A TREAT BEFORE A WEEKEND IN THE TRENCHES. TROY GAVE ME A SHROOM AND I HALF 205 00:22:17,570 --> 00:22:22,108 DOSED. NEVER DONE IT BEFORE, AND THE HYPE IS REAL. 206 00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:27,113 >> YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT? >> NO. I TOOK A LITTLE PIECE RIGHT 207 00:22:27,113 --> 00:22:31,785 AFTER GREEK LIT DISCUSSION. >> OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE HIGH! 208 00:22:31,785 --> 00:22:37,924 >> I WOULD SAY MORE RELAXED. WHAT'S THE ISSUE? >> UM, YOU'RE HIGH ON DRUGS! 209 00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:42,929 DON'T YOU HAVE TO DRIVE TOMORROW? >> I ATE A CHUNK OF A MUSHROOM. 210 00:22:42,929 --> 00:22:48,234 I'M NOT OUT HERE SHOOTING UP HEROIN. >> THAT MIGHT RAISE AN EYEBROW 211 00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:53,106 OR TWO. >> IT'S NOT FUNNY, LUCAS! >> HEY, DUDE, IT'S NOT A BIG -- 212 00:22:53,106 --> 00:22:57,877 >> DON'T TOUCH ME! >> KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. HE'S TWEAKING! 213 00:22:57,877 --> 00:23:04,050 >> YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER DONE DRUGS SINCE I TOOK LIKE HALF A MOLLY IN HIGH 214 00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:10,457 SCHOOL. >> SO YOU'RE RELAPSING. >> COME ON, LET'S GO TO CAMPUS 215 00:23:10,457 --> 00:23:12,525 MEDICAL SERVICES. THEY HAVE RESOURCES THERE TO HELP YOU GET CLEAN. 216 00:23:12,525 --> 00:23:19,065 >> YOU GUYS, HE DOESN'T NEED HELP. >> YEAH, UNTIL HE ODs ON MICRO 217 00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:22,369 DOSES. >> YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY IT. >> OH, REALLY? 218 00:23:22,369 --> 00:23:27,107 ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING REALLY HIGH OFF THIS NEW CRAZY DRUG CALLED PLAYING A SPORT I ENJOY. 219 00:23:27,107 --> 00:23:35,248 UP TOP. PICKLE BALL DOUBLES WITH MY MOM'S BEST FRIEND PATTY. 220 00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:40,320 >> HEY, ZACHARY, LOOK, I FOUND THE PLACE YOUR LIFE IS GOING, IN THE GARBAGE. 221 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:45,825 >> I DID NOT KNOW HOW STRAIGHT EDGED YOU GUYS WERE. >> I WOULD RATHER BE STRAIGHT 222 00:23:45,825 --> 00:23:49,329 EDGED THAN SHARING MUSHROOM NEEDLES WITH A JUNKY. >> YEAH. 223 00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:54,768 COME ON, GUYS. LET'S LEAVE ZACHARY TO DO HIS DOSES IN PEACE. 224 00:23:54,768 --> 00:24:02,876 GO GRAB A HOT PIZZA PIE AND SOME FROSTY SODAS. >> THAT SOUNDS GOOD. 225 00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:06,680 EXTRA CHEESE, PEPPERONI, AND NO MUSHROOMS. COME ON, GUYS. 226 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:11,051 >> COME ON, GUYS. >> COME ON, GUYS. >> COME ON, GUYS. 227 00:24:11,051 --> 00:24:16,056 >> WHY ARE CLAY AND SASHA SO 1990s PSA ABOUT DRUGS? >> I DON'T KNOW. 228 00:24:16,056 --> 00:24:21,161 I GUESS THE DARE PROGRAM REALLY WORKED ON THEM. >> IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSE THEY 229 00:24:21,161 --> 00:24:26,533 BOTH DRINK EVERY NIGHT. >> WEIRD. YOU GUYS WANT ANY SHROOMS FOR 230 00:24:26,533 --> 00:24:29,502 TONIGHT? >> YEAH. >> YOU GUYS COMING OR -- 231 00:24:29,502 --> 00:24:36,609 >> COME ON, GUYS. >> SO YOU'RE DEALING NOW? >> YES, CLAY, I BROKE BAD. 232 00:24:36,609 --> 00:24:44,884 I'M UC IRVINE'S EL CHAPO. >> I'M SORRY ZACHARY, SOME DAY YOU'LL THANK ME FOR THIS. 233 00:24:44,884 --> 00:24:47,153 OFFICER, HE MICRO DOSED A MUCH ROOM. >> BET. 234 00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:50,557 >> WHAT? >> OFFICER! >> WHAT? 235 00:24:50,557 --> 00:24:55,862 >> OFFICER, SIR! ZACHARY, GIVE ME YOUR BAG OF DRUGS, PLEASE! 236 00:24:55,862 --> 00:25:03,403 >> NO. >> ZACHARY, WE'RE ONLY GOING TO ASK YOU THIS NINE MORE TIMES. 237 00:25:03,403 --> 00:25:08,241 GIVE US YOUR BAGGY OF DRUGS RIGHT NOW! >> IT'S NOT EVEN A BAGGY. 238 00:25:08,241 --> 00:25:14,814 IT'S A CHOCOLATE BAR. >> WOW, HE'S SO HIGH, HE THINKS HIS DRUGS ARE A CHOCOLATE BAR. 239 00:25:14,814 --> 00:25:19,052 MM, YUMMY. >> YOU ARE SO HIGH, YOU THINK THIS IS CHOCOLATE. 240 00:25:19,052 --> 00:25:25,492 MM, AND IT'S DISGUSTING TOO. NOW I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET THAT HOT PIZZA PIE AND SOME 241 00:25:25,492 --> 00:25:30,630 FROSTY SODAS. >> YEAH. AND NO JUNKYS ALLOWED ME THINKS. 242 00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:34,567 COME ON, GUYS. >> COME ON, GUYS. >> I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH 243 00:25:34,567 --> 00:25:39,172 THOSE GUYS, BUT I DO THINK WE SHOULD SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT KICKS IN. 244 00:25:39,172 --> 00:25:43,209 THAT KICKS IN. >> OH, YEAH. WAIT UP, GUYS. 245 00:25:51,084 --> 00:25:55,822 YOU'RE WATCHING NEW YORK MORNING NEWS. I'M YOUR HOST HANNAH JENNINGS. 246 00:25:55,822 --> 00:26:00,827 >> AND I'M KEITH MICHAELS. >> OUR TOP STORY TODAY, IT IS ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY. 247 00:26:00,827 --> 00:26:06,599 >> TO GET EVERYONE IN THE MOOD, WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN WITH OUR ROMANCE REPORTER DANNY LOVE. 248 00:26:06,599 --> 00:26:21,815 >> WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, MAID IN MANHATTAN, THE GOD FATHER, SO MANY ICONIC ROM COMS WERE SET 249 00:26:21,815 --> 00:26:26,486 HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO GET SOME MEET CUTES. 250 00:26:26,486 --> 00:26:34,594 HELLO, ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> YEAH, TWO YEARS. >> HOW DID YOU TWO MEET? 251 00:26:34,594 --> 00:26:42,369 >> THE FOR REAL STORY? >> YEAH, SPILL THE TEA. >> WE WERE BOTH WITH OTHER 252 00:26:42,369 --> 00:26:46,072 PEOPLE AND CHEATED WITH EACH OTHER. >> AND I GOT PREGNANT. 253 00:26:46,072 --> 00:26:49,476 >> AND I'M RICH, SO NOW THIS IS OUR FAMILY. >> GOOD FOR YOU. 254 00:26:49,476 --> 00:26:52,445 THANK YOU SO MUCH. MOVING ON. HELLO THERE. 255 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:54,814 HI. ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE? >> THAT'S RIGHT. 256 00:26:54,814 --> 00:27:00,887 >> TELL ME, HOW WAS YOUR ROMANCE FIRST STARTED? NEIGHBORS, CUPID, TINDER? 257 00:27:00,887 --> 00:27:04,824 >> HE WAS MY PROFESSOR, AND MY DAD HAD JUST DIED. >> WOW. 258 00:27:04,824 --> 00:27:09,896 OKAY. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. HELLO YOU TWO, HI. 259 00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:15,301 YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE EACH OTHER. >> LIKE? 260 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:19,706 I WOULD LITERALLY PERISH WITHOUT HIM. >> NOBODY MAKES ME LAUGH LIKE 261 00:27:19,706 --> 00:27:27,147 HER. >> HE'S THE BEST PART OF MY DAY. >> THAT IS CUTE CUTE AS HELL. 262 00:27:27,147 --> 00:27:32,652 HOW DID YOU START DATING? >> WE AREN'T DATING. WE WORK TOGETHER. 263 00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:37,057 >> BUT WE TEXT EVERY DAY. >> AND WE HAVE SEX AS WELL. >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 264 00:27:37,057 --> 00:27:42,228 LOOKING FOR A NORMAL LOVE STORY. HOW ABOUT YOU TWO? ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE? 265 00:27:42,228 --> 00:27:46,800 >> THIS IS MY SISTER. I'M KIDDING. SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND -- AS WELL. 266 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,869 >> WHAT? NO. GO. 267 00:27:49,869 --> 00:27:52,405 NO. VIEWERS AT HOME, FIND HIS JOB AND TELL THEM. 268 00:27:52,405 --> 00:27:57,177 OH, HELLO. LOOK AT YOU TWO. OH, YOU GUYS LOOK VERY CUTE AND 269 00:27:57,177 --> 00:28:00,347 HOPEFULLY NORMAL. ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> YOU BET. 270 00:28:00,347 --> 00:28:07,387 AND WE FALL MORE AND MORE IN LOVE EVERY SINGLE DAY, WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE WHEN WE MET WE 271 00:28:07,387 --> 00:28:11,257 DIDN'T EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER AT ALL. >> WAS THIS ONE OF THOSE 272 00:28:11,257 --> 00:28:15,595 SITUATIONS WHERE YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE EACH OTHER'S WEDDING DATES EVEN THOUGH YOU 273 00:28:15,595 --> 00:28:19,466 HATE EACH OTHER? >> KIND OF. OUR MARRIAGE WAS ARRANGED BY OUR 274 00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:23,069 LEADER. HE POINTED AT US AND SAID YOU TWO ARE MARRIED NOW. 275 00:28:23,069 --> 00:28:28,675 >> NO. NO THANK YOU. I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I FIND 276 00:28:28,675 --> 00:28:30,677 SOMEONE SWEET. HELLO. HI. 277 00:28:30,677 --> 00:28:34,047 ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE? >> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. >> OKAY. 278 00:28:34,047 --> 00:28:37,784 AND WHAT KEEPS YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> THE RENT. 279 00:28:37,784 --> 00:28:40,620 THE RENT AMOUNT. >> JESUS. NO. 280 00:28:40,620 --> 00:28:45,225 YOU CAN GO. ALL RIGHT. SCARED TO TALK TO YOU TWO. 281 00:28:45,225 --> 00:28:51,531 ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? >> YEAH. LOOK, HE JUST BOUGHT ME THIS. 282 00:28:51,531 --> 00:28:57,237 >> GREAT. AND HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET? >> PASS. 283 00:28:57,237 --> 00:29:02,242 >> OKAY. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CALL THIS OFF. 284 00:29:02,242 --> 00:29:04,611 OH, HELLO. YOU AGAIN. HI! 285 00:29:04,611 --> 00:29:06,913 >> AGAIN? HI THERE. WHAT'S THIS FOR? 286 00:29:06,913 --> 00:29:11,184 >> I'M JUST INTERVIEWING COUPLES, AND I JUST TALKED TO HER. 287 00:29:11,184 --> 00:29:13,520 >> I DON'T THINK SO. >> NO. YOU WERE JUST -- 288 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:17,757 >> NO. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE JUST WALKING BY HERE FOR THIS VERY 289 00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:20,694 FIRST TIME TODAY. >> YES. I AGREE. 290 00:29:20,694 --> 00:29:26,032 SO YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED. >> OH, HAPPILY. WE WENT THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH, 291 00:29:26,032 --> 00:29:30,870 BUT LATELY, SHE'S HAD A SPRING IN HER STEP, AND I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD. 292 00:29:30,870 --> 00:29:33,440 >> NICE TO MEET YOU RIGHT NOW ONLY. >> GREAT. 293 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:38,611 WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH. VERY HAPPY FOR YOU. WELL, I GUESS NO ONE HAS MEET 294 00:29:38,611 --> 00:29:41,815 CUTES ANYMORE AND LOVE IS DEAD. OH. SORRY. 295 00:29:41,815 --> 00:29:47,454 >> I'M SO SORRY. >> IT'S OKAY. I'M JUST DOING A SEGMENT ON 296 00:29:47,454 --> 00:29:53,159 DATING. IT'S NOT GOING GREAT. >> I MEAN, DATING IS SO HARD 297 00:29:53,159 --> 00:29:56,529 NOWADAYS. YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING TO FEEL -- 298 00:29:56,529 --> 00:30:06,740 >> ORGANIC. >> WOW. LOOKS LIKE WE WITNESSED A MEET 299 00:30:06,740 --> 00:30:13,013 CUTE HAPPEN BEFORE OUR EYES. >> AND THAT MAN IS MY HUSBAND. DAMN IT! 300 00:30:13,013 --> 00:30:14,748 >> AND THAT MAN IS MY HUSBAND. DAMN IT! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 301 00:30:26,659 --> 00:30:37,570 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * I JUST WANNA 302 00:30:37,570 --> 00:30:43,476 I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE IT'S LIKE OOH HEY * 303 00:30:43,476 --> 00:30:47,814 * I FEEL LIKE STARTIN' SOMETHING YOU GOT MY ENGINE RUNNIN' * 304 00:30:47,814 --> 00:30:55,288 * YOU GOT THE KEYS TO TURN ME ON AND ON YOU GOT ME ACCELERATIN' 305 00:30:55,288 --> 00:30:59,059 I WANT TO CELEBRATE IT * * CAN'T NOTHING TAKE ME OUT MY ZONE 306 00:30:59,059 --> 00:31:05,532 IT'S ON * * WHEN IT FEELS RIGHT NOTHING ELSE MATTERS 307 00:31:05,532 --> 00:31:12,072 IS THIS REAL LIFE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE * * TAKE ME ALL NIGHT 308 00:31:12,072 --> 00:31:17,377 I CAN FEEL THE PASSION IN YOUR EYES * * I'M STILL 309 00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:20,580 IN LOVE WITH YOU YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH * 310 00:31:20,580 --> 00:31:22,716 * I LOVE THAT YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH 311 00:31:22,716 --> 00:31:24,818 YOU LOVE THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH 312 00:31:24,818 --> 00:31:29,155 GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T 313 00:31:29,155 --> 00:31:31,324 GET ENOUGH I LOVE THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T 314 00:31:31,324 --> 00:31:33,493 GET ENOUGH YOU LOVE THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T 315 00:31:33,493 --> 00:31:40,433 GET ENOUGH GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU * 316 00:31:40,433 --> 00:31:51,111 * I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU BOY I JUST WANNA * 317 00:31:51,111 --> 00:31:55,448 * I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE YA IT'S LIKE OH HEY 318 00:31:55,448 --> 00:31:58,218 BIG LATTO * * CALL THE DOCTOR I DON'T SEE NOBODY BUT YOU 319 00:31:58,218 --> 00:32:00,420 YOU DO I STILL LOVE YOU * * BABY IS THE SKY BLUE 320 00:32:00,420 --> 00:32:04,057 BLUE SPOIL A DOWN AND HE FAITHFUL TO ME TOO * 321 00:32:04,057 --> 00:32:06,292 * TOO YOU KNOW YOU THE REASON WHY THEY HATIN' ON ME BOO 322 00:32:06,292 --> 00:32:08,395 BOO * * CAN'T GET ENOUGH LIKE LET ME GET SOME MO' 323 00:32:08,395 --> 00:32:09,929 MO' * * YOU KNOW WHEN IT COME TO ME 324 00:32:09,929 --> 00:32:11,698 HE LOVE TO DO THE MOST MOST * * I AIN'T SCARED OF GHOSTS 325 00:32:11,698 --> 00:32:14,768 HE BOUGHT ME ONE OF THOSE KEEP 'EM OUT OUR BUSINESS I AIN'T TRYNA POST * 326 00:32:14,768 --> 00:32:18,071 * LIKE IS IT TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE HUH 327 00:32:18,071 --> 00:32:21,708 HE ROMANTIC BUT STREET TOO * * HUH DROP A BAG ON A WHAT 328 00:32:21,708 --> 00:32:25,545 PUT THEM M'S ON MY ASS LIKE EVISU * * YEAH I LOVE THAT SHIT 329 00:32:25,545 --> 00:32:28,948 I LOVE IT THROWIN' UP GANG SO THEY KNOW I'M HIS CHICK * 330 00:32:28,948 --> 00:32:30,350 * THAT'S BOO DADDY DADDY HE DO ANYTHING 331 00:32:30,350 --> 00:32:32,986 TO KEEP HIS BOO HAPPY * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH 332 00:32:32,986 --> 00:32:35,121 I LOVE THAT LET'S DANCE * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T 333 00:32:35,121 --> 00:32:36,756 GET ENOUGH YOU KNOW THAT * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T 334 00:32:36,756 --> 00:32:40,460 GET ENOUGH GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH * 335 00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:43,096 * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH YOU KNOW I CAN'T 336 00:32:43,096 --> 00:32:46,332 GET ENOUGH * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH 337 00:32:46,332 --> 00:32:56,476 GIVE ME ALL THAT CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU * * I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU 338 00:32:56,476 --> 00:33:02,916 BOY * YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS GIRL 339 00:33:02,916 --> 00:33:04,517 I TELL 'EM TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT * * SHUT THE PLACE DOWN 340 00:33:04,517 --> 00:33:06,252 IN A NEW YORK MINUTE SALUTE THE LIEUTENANT LOOK AROUND THE ROOM * 341 00:33:06,252 --> 00:33:10,924 * JLO THEY ALL MAD SEASONED VETERANS CHECK THE DOG TAGS LIKE YO 342 00:33:10,924 --> 00:33:13,660 OUNCE OF BUD * * UP IN THE HOOKAH THICK CHICK HIDE 343 00:33:13,660 --> 00:33:17,364 MY GUN UP IN THE FOOPA BACK MY BUDDHA * * AND THAT'S BEEN THE BRICKS 344 00:33:17,364 --> 00:33:20,600 HATERS TAKE SHOTS BUT IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST ME AND JLO * 345 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,837 * STRAIGHT FROM THE BLOCK CAUSE WE BE TO RAP LIKE BIGGIE AND PAC 346 00:33:23,837 --> 00:33:26,072 WHAT YOU DOIN * * WHAT WE DOIN GIVE IT UP 347 00:33:26,072 --> 00:33:29,743 ONE NIGHT OF ME BABY AND YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH * * AND WHEN I SLIDE IN 348 00:33:29,743 --> 00:33:32,746 TURN IT UP YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH * 349 00:33:32,746 --> 00:33:35,081 * YOU KNOW THAT GIRL YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH 350 00:33:35,081 --> 00:33:36,683 EVERYBODY COME ON * * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH 351 00:33:36,683 --> 00:33:38,918 EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP * * CAN'T GET ENOUGH 352 00:33:38,918 --> 00:33:42,789 YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH * YOU KNOW THAT GIRL 353 00:33:42,789 --> 00:33:44,224 YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH EVERYBODY COME ON * 354 00:33:44,224 --> 00:33:46,292 * YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH HEY 355 00:33:46,292 --> 00:33:49,095 PUT YOUR HANDS UP * * CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU LET'S GO 356 00:33:49,095 --> 00:33:51,698 WILD THE HELL OUT ACT THE HELL OUT * * WILD THE -- OUT 357 00:33:51,698 --> 00:34:04,044 ACT THE -- OUT WILD THE -- OUT ACT THE -- OUT * 358 00:34:04,044 --> 00:34:10,417 I'M STILL IN LOVE I JUST NEVER GET ENOUGH OF YOU * 359 00:34:10,417 --> 00:34:15,321 I JUST NEVER GET ENOUGH OF YOU * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 360 00:34:24,164 --> 00:34:30,937 MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. 361 00:34:30,937 --> 00:34:33,573 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 362 00:34:33,573 --> 00:34:37,677 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. 363 00:34:37,677 --> 00:34:43,450 >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. 364 00:34:43,450 --> 00:34:49,989 WELL, JUST HOURS AGO, PRESIDENT BIDEN WON THE SOUTH CAROLINA DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY BARELY EDGING 365 00:34:49,989 --> 00:34:58,465 OUT HIS CLOSEST RIVAL, TIME. [ LAUGHTER ] AS YOU MAY HAVE SEEN ON YOUR 366 00:34:58,465 --> 00:35:05,205 AUNT'S FACEBOOK, MANY MAGA PERSONALS ARE CLAIMING THE SUPER BOWL IS BEING RIGGED SO KANSAS 367 00:35:05,205 --> 00:35:11,845 CITY WINS AND TAYLOR SWIFT CAN COME ON THE FIELD WITH TRAVIS KELCE AND ENDORSE JOE BIDEN. 368 00:35:11,845 --> 00:35:18,752 MAGA PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH TO KEEP TRACK OF, YOU HAVE TO HATE THE NFL, TAYLOR SWIFT, BUD LIGHT, 369 00:35:18,752 --> 00:35:27,227 DISNEY, KRISTEN STEWART FOR SOME REASON, ELECTRIC STOVES, WIND MILLS, THE CONCEPT OF RAINBOWS, 370 00:35:27,227 --> 00:35:32,632 AND THE GREEN M&M, AND YOU HAVE TO THINK EVERYBODY IN THE GOVERNMENT IS A SECRET 371 00:35:32,632 --> 00:35:38,571 PEDESTRIAN FILE EXCEPT FOR THIS GUY DANCING WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN. 372 00:35:38,571 --> 00:35:44,177 I MEAN, ISN'T THAT THE HAPPIEST YOU'VE EVER SEEN TRUMP? HE'S DANCING LIKE NOBODY'S 373 00:35:44,177 --> 00:35:51,718 CHECKING IDs. >> HEY. PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A DRASTIC 374 00:35:51,718 --> 00:35:57,490 CHANGE IN HIS IMMIGRATION POLICY SAYING HE WOULD BE WILLING TO SHUT DOWN THE BORDER IF GIVEN 375 00:35:57,490 --> 00:36:03,063 THE POWER BY CONGRESS. IT'S THE KIND OF UNEXPECTED SHIFT IN DIRECTION BIDEN USUALLY 376 00:36:03,063 --> 00:36:08,702 ONLY MAKES IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE. THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN IS TRYING TO 377 00:36:08,702 --> 00:36:15,608 APPEAL TO TO BLACK VOTERS. IT'S GETTING SO BAD, HE NOW ONLY HAS SUPPORT FROM OBAMA'S WHITE 378 00:36:15,608 --> 00:36:25,485 HALF. DID YOU GUYS ALL FORGET? >> IN SOME GREAT ECONOMIC NEWS 379 00:36:25,485 --> 00:36:30,490 FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN, U.S. OIL PRODUCTION HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH THIS WEEK, AND THE ECONOMY ADDED 380 00:36:30,490 --> 00:36:37,063 A SURPRISINGLY ROBUST 350,000 JOBS. OR AS FOX NEWS REPORTED IT, ARE 381 00:36:37,063 --> 00:36:45,538 MIGRANTS TURNING YOUR KIDS TRANS? CAMPAIGN FINANCE RECORDS SHOW IN 382 00:36:45,538 --> 00:36:51,778 THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THE SUPER PACK BEHIND DONALD TRUMP SPENT $50 MILLION ON LEGAL FEES, AND 383 00:36:51,778 --> 00:36:57,083 THAT'S WITH THE CHEAPEST WORST LAWYERS OPT PLANET. CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING 50 384 00:36:57,083 --> 00:37:02,088 MILLION ON THE PEOPLE WHO JUST LOST YOU 83 MILLION? THIS LAWYER DID SUCH A BAD JOB, 385 00:37:02,088 --> 00:37:10,263 I THOUGHT HER ACTUAL NAME WAS OVERRULED SIT DOWN. >> NIKKI HALEY HAS LAUNCHED A 386 00:37:10,263 --> 00:37:15,235 SERIES OF CAMPAIGN ADS TARGETING TRUMP AND BIDEN CALLED GRUMPY OLD MEN. 387 00:37:15,235 --> 00:37:23,376 OKAY. BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE MEN. CHICAGO BECAME THE LARGEST U.S. 388 00:37:23,376 --> 00:37:28,648 CITY TO CALL FOR A CEASE-FIRE IN GAZA, AND IN RETURN, GAZA CALLED FOR A CEASE-FIRE IN CHICAGO. 389 00:37:28,648 --> 00:37:40,927 [ LAUGHTER ] >> THE FCC IS PREPARING TO CRIMINALIZE UNSOLICITED ROW BOW 390 00:37:40,927 --> 00:37:47,067 CALLED THAT USE AI TO IMPERSONATE POLITICIANS. YOU CAN STILL IMPERSONATE TED 391 00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:52,972 CRUZ BY SHAVING A SLOTH'S FACE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> BLACK HISTORY MONTH STARTED 392 00:37:52,972 --> 00:37:56,876 AN THURSDAY. 20 MINUTES LATE. DURING A SENATE HEARING -- 393 00:37:56,876 --> 00:38:06,820 [ LAUGHTER ] DURING A SENATE HEARING ON CHILD SAFETY ONLINE META CEO MARK 394 00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:11,324 ZUCKERBERG TURNED TO THE AUDIENCE AND APOLOGIZED TO FAMILIES OF CHILDREN HARMED BY 395 00:38:11,324 --> 00:38:16,830 SOCIAL MEDIA. THE FAMILY SAID THEY WERE SURPRISED AND, QUOTE, CHILLED TO 396 00:38:16,830 --> 00:38:24,804 THE BONE. THAT'S A HORRIFYING MAN. >> NBC HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR A 397 00:38:24,804 --> 00:38:32,178 SPINOFF OF SUITS. IT WILL FOCUS ON MEGHAN MARKLE'S STRUGGLE TO BALANCE HER LEGAL 398 00:38:32,178 --> 00:38:35,248 CAREER WHILE ALSO CARING FOR AN UNEMPLOYED IMMIGRANT. >> I LIKE THAT. 399 00:38:35,248 --> 00:38:44,290 I LIKE THAT ONE. A PIZZA HUT IN CANADA HAS GONE VIRAL AFTER EMPLOYEES POSTED A 400 00:38:44,290 --> 00:38:51,064 SIGN ON THE DOOR EXPLAINING THE LOCATION WAS CLOSED DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMCISIONS. 401 00:38:51,064 --> 00:38:56,236 IT WAS OBVIOUSLY A MISPRINT BECAUSE PIZZA HUT LOVES EXTRA TOPPINGS. 402 00:38:56,236 --> 00:39:09,149 [ LAUGHTER ] >> A RACEHORSE IN OHIO WHICH HAD WON A RACE EARLIER IN THE DAY 403 00:39:09,149 --> 00:39:15,121 LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR METH. OHIO, WHERE YOU HAVE TO TEST HORSES FOR METH. 404 00:39:15,121 --> 00:39:20,527 >> POLICE IN KANSAS FOUND A STOLEN STATUE HONORING JACKIE ROBINSON BUT SAY THAT IT WAS 405 00:39:20,527 --> 00:39:24,864 DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. ALSO POLICE SHOT IT BECAUSE IT REFUSED TO DROP THE BAT. 406 00:39:24,864 --> 00:39:35,909 [ LAUGHTER ] I LIKE THIS CROWD A LOT, MAN. >> A FAMILY IN MICHIGAN WHOSE 407 00:39:35,909 --> 00:39:42,549 DUCK LOST ITS MATE PLACED A PERSONAL AD ONLINE TO FIND THE BIRD A NEW PARTNER, AND IN A 408 00:39:42,549 --> 00:39:45,852 LOVING ACT OF UNDERSTANDING, THEY EVEN SPECIFIED, POWER BOTTOM. 409 00:39:45,852 --> 00:39:53,460 [ LAUGHTER ] >> A WOMAN IN UTAH WHO GAVE BIRTH TO HER EIGHTH CHILD JUST 410 00:39:53,460 --> 00:39:58,832 TWO WEEKS AGO IS COMPETING IN THE MRS. WORLD BEAUTY PAGEANT. I GUESS SHE JUST CAN'T GET 411 00:39:58,832 --> 00:40:09,476 ENOUGH CROWNING. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME 412 00:40:09,476 --> 00:40:13,713 HOW TO GET TICKETS FOR SNL, AND ONE OF THE WAYS IS THROUGH THE TICKET LOTTERY. 413 00:40:13,713 --> 00:40:20,253 HERE TO COMMENT ON HIS EXPERIENCE WINNING A TICKET TO THE SHOW IS 18-YEAR-OLD 414 00:40:20,253 --> 00:40:26,626 C.J.ROSSITANO. >> HI, COLIN. I'M SUCH A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW. 415 00:40:26,626 --> 00:40:31,731 IN FACT, YOU COULD SAY I'VE ALWAYS FELT STRANGELY DRAWN TO IT. 416 00:40:31,731 --> 00:40:42,609 [ LAUGHTER ] >> THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING. ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR MOM AND 417 00:40:42,609 --> 00:40:48,148 DAD? >> I WISH. I NEVER MET MY DAD. 418 00:40:48,148 --> 00:40:53,920 OR AT LEAST I DON'T THINK I HAVE. [ LAUGHTER ] 419 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:57,791 >> OH, WOW. WOW. YEAH. 420 00:40:57,791 --> 00:41:04,064 I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT. >> BUT IT'S SUCH AN HONOR TO BE HERE, MR. COLIN, AND IT'S SO 421 00:41:04,064 --> 00:41:08,401 CLOSE BY. ME AND MY MOM LIVE RIGHT OVER ON 47th AND FIFTH. 422 00:41:08,401 --> 00:41:11,771 >> OH, WOW. THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S WHERE MY FORMER 423 00:41:11,771 --> 00:41:18,678 HOUSEKEEPER LIVED. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT A COINCIDENCE, COLIN, MY 424 00:41:18,678 --> 00:41:26,720 MOM'S A FORMER HOUSEKEEPER. * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY 425 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:37,097 BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON * >> SO YOUR DAD'S NOT IN THE PICTURE? 426 00:41:37,097 --> 00:41:42,302 >> NOPE. MY MAMA NEVER EVEN TOLD ME HIS NAME. 427 00:41:42,302 --> 00:41:50,844 SHE JUST SAID HE WAS KNOWN AS EL DIABLO DE LOS HAMPTONS. >> WOW. 428 00:41:50,844 --> 00:41:53,680 YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. HE SOUNDS MISUNDERSTOOD. 429 00:41:53,680 --> 00:42:00,286 >> WELL, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MY DADDY, MR. COLIN EXCEPT THAT MY MAMA SAID THAT HE HAS AN 430 00:42:00,286 --> 00:42:06,393 UNUSUAL PENIS JUST LIKE MINE. >> UNUSUAL HOW? >> SMALL AND CURLY, LIKE A PIG'S 431 00:42:06,393 --> 00:42:12,732 TAIL. [ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH. 432 00:42:12,732 --> 00:42:20,440 I'VE HEARD IT'S CALLED A PORCINE PENILE ADAPTATION, AND IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY COMMON. 433 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,877 ONE OUT OF EVERY 4 BILLION PEOPLE HAVE IT. >> SO TWO PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE 434 00:42:23,877 --> 00:42:31,084 WORLD? * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY 435 00:42:31,084 --> 00:42:40,727 BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON * >> MY MOM SAYS I'M GETTING MORE AND MORE LIKE MY DADDY EVERY 436 00:42:40,727 --> 00:42:45,098 DAY. I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE A PHONE ANYMORE BECAUSE I WAS 437 00:42:45,098 --> 00:42:54,240 TAKING TOO MANY UPSKIRT PHOTOS. I'VE HAD SOME LUCK TOO, LIKE I'M DATING THIS GORGEOUS GIRL WHO'S 438 00:42:54,240 --> 00:43:00,113 THE LEAD ACTRESS IN ALL THE SCHOOL PLAYS, AND NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT WHY HE'S WITH ME. 439 00:43:00,113 --> 00:43:05,352 [ LAUGHTER ] ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU, COLIN? 440 00:43:05,352 --> 00:43:18,665 [ LAUGHTER ] >> NOPE. >> GOSH, COLIN, DON'T YOU 441 00:43:18,665 --> 00:43:24,904 SOMETIMES JUST FEEL LIKE -- >> YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE? 442 00:43:24,904 --> 00:43:29,175 AND THERE'S NO REASON TO FEEL THAT WAY? * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE 443 00:43:29,175 --> 00:43:40,353 AND THE SILVER SPOON, LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON * >> ANYWAY, THANKS FOR THE 444 00:43:40,353 --> 00:43:43,857 TICKETS, COLIN. I LOVE THE SHOW, ESPECIALLY THAT SARAH SHERMAN. 445 00:43:43,857 --> 00:43:53,233 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEY, LISTEN, SHE MAY BE WAY TOO LOUD, BUT AFTER SHE BLOWS THAT 446 00:43:53,233 --> 00:44:00,874 ONE LINE IN A SKETCH, I LOVE WATCHING HER WALK THAT DUMP TRUCK ASS OUT THE STUDIO. 447 00:44:00,874 --> 00:44:07,247 >> FAVORITE VIEW IN THE CITY, AMIGO. WELL, IT HAS BEEN GREAT HAVING 448 00:44:07,247 --> 00:44:14,954 YOU, SON -- I MEAN. >> DAD? WAIT, ON THE COUNT OF THREE, 449 00:44:14,954 --> 00:44:21,728 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD. ONE, TWO, THREE -- >> COCAINE. 450 00:44:21,728 --> 00:44:25,632 >> PAPA? * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON * 451 00:44:25,632 --> 00:44:28,635 * AND THE CATS AND THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON * >> MY SON, EVERYONE! 452 00:44:35,442 --> 00:44:42,549 FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST, I|M MICHAEL CHE GOODNIGHT 453 00:44:42,549 --> 00:44:49,456 >>> WELCOME BACK TO TRIVIA QUEST WHERE CONTESTANTS CAN WIN UP TO $50,000. 454 00:44:49,456 --> 00:44:59,666 SO FAR, JEFF'S IN THE LEAD. BEFORE WE START THE NEXT ROUND, LET'S GET TO KNOW OUR 455 00:44:59,666 --> 00:45:02,869 CONTESTANTS. MS. AMY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE PRIZE MONEY IF YOU 456 00:45:02,869 --> 00:45:07,574 WIN? >> WELL, WE NEVER GOT THE HONEYMOON WE DESERVE, SO WHEN I 457 00:45:07,574 --> 00:45:15,849 WIN THIS MONEY, WE'RE GOING TO SPEND THE SUMMER VISITING FRANCE. 458 00:45:15,849 --> 00:45:23,656 >> WELL, BONN VOYAGE. NAOMI, WHAT ABOUT YOU? >> WELL, I RECENTLY GRADUATED 459 00:45:23,656 --> 00:45:27,727 FROM SPELLMAN COLLEGE. >> YOU WENT TO SPELLMAN? ME TOO! 460 00:45:27,727 --> 00:45:35,068 CLASS OF '08, AND IT WAS NOT CHEAP. >> SO YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW CRAZY 461 00:45:35,068 --> 00:45:40,440 THOSE STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS ARE. >> DO NOT GET ME STARTED. AND I DON'T USE THAT DEGREE. 462 00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:45,512 I DO THIS. >> IF SALLY MAE CALL MY PHONE ONE MORE TIME -- 463 00:45:45,512 --> 00:45:52,752 >> SALLY MAY GET HER ASS BEAT. >> THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO WIN THIS MONEY, PAY OFF THESE LOANS, 464 00:45:52,752 --> 00:45:57,090 AND LIVE MY BEST LIFE. >> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. HOPE YOU WIN, GIRL. 465 00:45:57,090 --> 00:46:00,694 AND FINALLY, JEFF, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT MONEY IF YOU WIN? 466 00:46:00,694 --> 00:46:06,766 >> WELL, ANGIE, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE PRETTY NEAT TO OWN A SPORT FISHING BOAT. 467 00:46:06,766 --> 00:46:15,709 >> OKAY. >> I'M SORRY, GIRL, I CAN'T. SPORT FISHING BOAT. 468 00:46:15,709 --> 00:46:20,747 >> RIGHT. WHY HE AIN'T JUST SAY BOAT? YOU CAN FISH ON ANY BOAT! 469 00:46:20,747 --> 00:46:26,519 >> I ALSO HAVE SOME DEBT FROM ITHACA COLLEGE. >> THAT'S A COOL STORY, JEFF. 470 00:46:26,519 --> 00:46:32,592 LET'S JUST START THE NEXT ROUND. OKAY. VERY FIRST QUESTION HERE. 471 00:46:32,592 --> 00:46:39,165 IN 1993, THIS LEADING MAN WON THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR FOR HIS ROLE IN THE MOVIE 472 00:46:39,165 --> 00:46:40,433 PHILADELPHIA. NAOMI. >> FOREST GUMP. 473 00:46:40,433 --> 00:46:43,536 >> CORRECT. 100 POINTS. SALLY JUST MAY BE GETTING A 474 00:46:43,536 --> 00:46:46,306 CHECK. OKAY? >> I'M SORRY. 475 00:46:46,306 --> 00:46:50,744 THE ANSWER IS TOM HANKS. FOREST GUMP IS FROM A DIFFERENT MOVIE. 476 00:46:50,744 --> 00:46:54,080 >> OKAY. BUT SAME DIFFERENCE, SO GO AHEAD AND RELAX, OKAY? 477 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,384 >> YOU CAN'T GIVE HER POINTS FOR THAT. >> OH, MY BAD. 478 00:46:57,384 --> 00:47:03,289 SO YOU WANT TO HOST THE SHOW? BECAUSE I'LL JUST GO HOME, AMY. >> I'M JUST SAYING -- 479 00:47:03,289 --> 00:47:08,895 >> JUST SAYING WHAT? NEXT QUESTION. OF THE SEVEN CONTINENTS, WHICH 480 00:47:08,895 --> 00:47:12,665 IS THE LARGEST? NAOMI? >> I KNOW THIS. 481 00:47:12,665 --> 00:47:19,572 >> AND, GIRL, I BELIEVE YOU. 100 POINTS. >> SHE STILL HASN'T SAID THE 482 00:47:19,572 --> 00:47:22,809 ANSWER. >> YEAH, THAT'S NOT FAIR! >> DAMN, I SEE YOU REALLY TRYING 483 00:47:22,809 --> 00:47:26,780 TO WIN THAT LITTLE BOAT, AIN'T YOU? >> HE IS SO THIRSTY FOR THAT 484 00:47:26,780 --> 00:47:29,916 LITTLE BOAT, GIRL. >> I KNOW, RIGHT. SHOOT, CREEPY ASS. 485 00:47:29,916 --> 00:47:35,455 NEXT QUESTION. OKAY. LET'S GET A GOOD ONE. 486 00:47:35,455 --> 00:47:38,692 SKIP THIS. SKIP THAT ONE. OKAY. 487 00:47:38,692 --> 00:47:42,762 THIS IS GOOD. IN THE MOVIE, BABY BOY. >> TYRESE. 488 00:47:42,762 --> 00:47:47,400 >> YOU ON A ROLL, GIRL. >> THANKS, GIRL. ALSO THAT BLUSH LOOKS REALLY 489 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:51,671 GOOD ON YOU. IS THAT FENTY? >> OH, MY GOSH. 490 00:47:51,671 --> 00:47:56,343 YES, 100 POINTS. >> LET ME GUESS THE SHADE. SUMMERTIME WINE. 491 00:47:56,343 --> 00:47:59,846 >> YES. 100 MORE. YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR STUFF. 492 00:47:59,846 --> 00:48:03,650 >> I'M ACTUALLY WEARING FENTY LIP GLOSS. >> OKAY. 493 00:48:03,650 --> 00:48:07,020 SO WHAT YOU WANT? >> I'M SORRY. THIS ISN'T FAIR. 494 00:48:07,020 --> 00:48:11,725 SHE'S CLEARLY CHEATING FOR HER BECAUSE SHE'S -- >> BECAUSE I'M WHAT? 495 00:48:11,725 --> 00:48:15,528 >> WHAT IS SHE? >> WHAT AM I? >> SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST. 496 00:48:15,528 --> 00:48:24,170 YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING. >> WHAT AM I? >> WHAT IS SHE? 497 00:48:24,170 --> 00:48:28,475 >> WHAT AM I? >> I'M TRYING TO SAY IT. I WAS GOING TO SAY SHE'S YOUR 498 00:48:28,475 --> 00:48:31,911 FAVORITE. >> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. TO BE CLEAR, Y'ALL, I DO NOT 499 00:48:31,911 --> 00:48:38,952 PLAY FAVORITES. SO FAR, THE CRY BABY'S IN THE LEAD, BESTIE'S IN SECOND, AND 500 00:48:38,952 --> 00:48:45,058 SPLIT ENDS IS NOW IN LAST PLACE. >> WAIT. AM I SPLIT ENDS? 501 00:48:45,058 --> 00:48:51,097 >> AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SOUND MEANS, IT'S TIME FOR THE DAILY TRIPLE. 502 00:48:51,097 --> 00:48:54,134 ANSWER THIS QUESTION CORRECTLY AND YOU WILL WIN TRIPLE THE POINTS. 503 00:48:54,134 --> 00:49:00,006 THIS FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE WHO SERVED IN THE VIETNAM WAR DIED LAST YEAR. 504 00:49:00,006 --> 00:49:03,043 NAOMI. >> GIRL, I BUZZED AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER. 505 00:49:03,043 --> 00:49:06,346 >> THAT'S OKAY. STAY CALM. REMEMBER, YOU CAN ALWAYS PHONE A 506 00:49:06,346 --> 00:49:07,647 FRIEND. >> THANK YOU. >> NO YOU CAN'T! 507 00:49:07,647 --> 00:49:15,155 >> EXCUSE ME. GIRL, IT'S KISSINGER. >> OH, OH, IS IT HENRY 508 00:49:15,155 --> 00:49:19,492 KISSINGER? >> CORRECT! OH, COME ON, NAOMI, YOU ARE 509 00:49:19,492 --> 00:49:22,629 OFFICIALLY IN THE LEAD. >> YOU GAVE HER THE ANSWER. >> YEAH, I WANT A RULING FROM 510 00:49:22,629 --> 00:49:24,030 THE JUDGES. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 511 00:49:24,030 --> 00:49:27,567 YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. JUDGES? 512 00:49:27,567 --> 00:49:37,110 >> WELL, OUR RULING IS, SIS BODIED THAT! >> EXACTLY. 513 00:49:37,110 --> 00:49:44,684 HE TRYING TO MURDER SOMEBODY ON A BOAT. ANYWAY, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE 514 00:49:44,684 --> 00:49:49,122 GOING TO HELP SIS GET THAT MONEY, OKAY? >> DON'T SAY THAT! 515 00:49:49,122 --> 00:49:50,857 MONEY, OKAY? >> DON'T SAY THAT! >> CREEPY ASS. 516 00:49:58,398 --> 00:50:01,968 SORRY. >> WHAT FLOOR? >> SIXTH, PLEASE. 517 00:50:08,908 --> 00:50:14,047 >> NO, NO, NO. >> COME ON! >> CAN YOU PRESS THE EMERGENCY 518 00:50:14,047 --> 00:50:16,383 BUTTON? >> THIS IS THE ELEVATOR TECHNICIAN. 519 00:50:16,383 --> 00:50:20,320 CAN YOU HEAR ME? >> WE'RE STUCK IN THE SOUTH BANK ELEVATORS. 520 00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:25,158 CAN YOU PLEASE SEND HELP? >> THE FIRE DEPARTMENT SHOULD BE THERE IN 20-25 MINUTES. 521 00:50:25,158 --> 00:50:28,795 TRY TO STAY CALM. >> 25 MINUTES? I'M GOING TO BE LATE PICKING MY 522 00:50:28,795 --> 00:50:35,201 KID UP FROM SCHOOL. >> I ALREADY HAVE TO PEE. >> IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE 523 00:50:35,201 --> 00:50:38,138 SOON, I'M GOING TO WANT TO HOOK UP. >> ME TOO. 524 00:50:38,138 --> 00:50:44,811 >> WHAT WAS THAT? >> I JUST GET REALLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC WHEN I DON'T HOOK 525 00:50:44,811 --> 00:50:49,249 UP. >> AND I HEARD THAT IN ORDER TO SURVIVE THE IMPACT, YOU HAVE TO 526 00:50:49,249 --> 00:50:52,585 HOOK UP. >> SURVIVE? THEY SAID IT WOULD BE LIKE 25 527 00:50:52,585 --> 00:50:56,423 MINUTES. >> SO YOU BELIEVE THE COPS? >> IT'S THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. 528 00:50:56,423 --> 00:51:01,561 >> THEY ALL WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL. >> DO YOU TWO WANT TO HOOK UP? 529 00:51:01,561 --> 00:51:06,766 >> WHY, SO YOU CAN WATCH? >> I JUST REALIZED, THERE'S TWO WOMEN AND THREE GUYS. 530 00:51:06,766 --> 00:51:10,670 THE NUMBERS ARE PERFECT, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT. >> THAT IS TRUE. 531 00:51:10,670 --> 00:51:14,507 THERE'S ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE MOUTHS. >> WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO OBSESSED 532 00:51:14,507 --> 00:51:19,145 WITH HOOKING UP? >> DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WE HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY HERE TO 533 00:51:19,145 --> 00:51:24,617 REMAKE SOCIETY. >> BECAUSE LET'S BE REAL. WHATEVER'S OUT THERE, IT'S NOT 534 00:51:24,617 --> 00:51:29,723 WORKING. BUT IN THE ELEVATOR, WE GET TO BUILD SOMETHING NEW. 535 00:51:29,723 --> 00:51:34,794 >> WE DO? >> NO ONE'S COMING TO HELP US. >> WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU. 536 00:51:34,794 --> 00:51:38,932 >> WE CAN START OUR OWN SOCIETY FROM SCRATCH. AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED A 537 00:51:38,932 --> 00:51:47,107 DOCTOR, A MAYOR. >> BECAUSE IN ELEVATOR TOWN, YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE. 538 00:51:47,107 --> 00:51:54,247 >> CAN I BE AN ASTRONAUT? >> OF COURSE YOU CAN, YOUNG MAN. >> WELL, THEN I WANT TO BE A 539 00:51:54,247 --> 00:51:55,315 MAILMAN. >> GREAT. >> WAIT. 540 00:51:55,315 --> 00:51:59,152 I WANT TO BE A MAILMAN TOO. >> WELL, YOU ALREADY PICKED ASTRONAUT. 541 00:51:59,152 --> 00:52:04,124 >> CAN I BE A MAILMAN TOO? >> NO. WE CANNOT HAVE THREE MAILMEN. 542 00:52:04,124 --> 00:52:09,329 >> FINE. THEN I WILL ENGAGE IN THE TOWN'S PROFITS AND I'LL JUST BE AN 543 00:52:09,329 --> 00:52:11,765 ARTIST INSTEAD. >> NEVER MIND, JUST BE A MAILMAN. 544 00:52:11,765 --> 00:52:13,867 BUT YOU NEED TO PICK SOMETHING ELSE. >> OKAY. 545 00:52:13,867 --> 00:52:21,074 I WANT TO BE MARILYN MONROE. >> WHATEVER. >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT DOES 546 00:52:21,074 --> 00:52:26,212 ANYONE WANT TO ACTUALLY LEAVE THE ELEVATOR? >> OR DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH 547 00:52:26,212 --> 00:52:40,326 US? >> TO ELEVATOR TOWN. * IT'S ELEVATOR TOWN, POPULATION 548 00:52:40,326 --> 00:52:46,733 * IT'S ELEVATOR TOWN, POPULATION US, IT'S ONLY JUST ONE LAW, YOU GOTTA LOVE HOOKING UP * 549 00:52:51,705 --> 00:52:55,542 SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE. EYES UP HERE. THANK YOU. 550 00:52:55,542 --> 00:53:05,218 ALL RIGHTY. AS PROMISED, SINCE OUR CLASS SOLD THE MOST COOKIE DOUGH, 551 00:53:05,218 --> 00:53:09,289 WE'VE EARNED A VERY SPECIAL EVENT. JOINING US TODAY IS THE 552 00:53:09,289 --> 00:53:17,130 MAGNIFICENT SPECIAL STAGE HYPNOTIST, MR. FANTASMIC. >> HEY THERE, KIDDOS, HOW WE 553 00:53:17,130 --> 00:53:19,699 FEELING? >> WHOO. >> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR. 554 00:53:19,699 --> 00:53:25,205 TODAY, I WILL BE PERFORMING THE ART OF HYPNOSIS COMMANDING YOUR VERY MINDS. 555 00:53:25,205 --> 00:53:28,675 NOW, I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE. >> EXCUSE ME. 556 00:53:28,675 --> 00:53:37,851 >> YES, YOUNG MAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO VOLUNTEER? >> ACTUALLY, I'M RAISING MY HAND 557 00:53:37,851 --> 00:53:49,863 TO TELL YOU YOU DO NOT HAVE THE CONSENT TO HYPNOTIZE ME. MY MAMA DIDN'T SIGN NO PAPER, I 558 00:53:49,863 --> 00:53:53,133 DIDN'T SIGN NO PAPER. YOU DO NOT HAVE MY CONSENT. >> SURE. 559 00:53:53,133 --> 00:53:56,202 GOT IT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON? >> SOLOMON. 560 00:53:56,202 --> 00:53:59,572 >> COOL. SO SOLOMON, THIS IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL. 561 00:53:59,572 --> 00:54:03,076 >> GOOD. BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO HYPNOTIZE ME, FIRST CALL I MAKE WILL BE TO 562 00:54:03,076 --> 00:54:08,148 MY MOTHER, AND THE SECOND CALL I MAKE WILL BE TO THE POLICE. I GOT ONE OF THEM TRAINING 563 00:54:08,148 --> 00:54:14,120 PHONES WITH ONLY TWO BUTTONS, SO IT WILL BE QUICK. >> SOLOMON, HON, TAKE IT EASY. 564 00:54:14,120 --> 00:54:17,424 SORRY. >> NOT AT ALL. NO WORRIES. 565 00:54:17,424 --> 00:54:20,160 VOLUNTEER? HOW ABOUT YOU, MISS? >> ME? 566 00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:23,263 SURE. >> GREAT. PLEASE, COME ON UP. 567 00:54:23,263 --> 00:54:28,068 NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES. LISTEN CLOSELY. TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND WHEN I 568 00:54:28,068 --> 00:54:34,074 SNAP MY FINGERS, YOUR MIND WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE MIND OF A >> OKAY. 569 00:54:34,074 --> 00:54:39,079 EXCELLENT. ON MY COUNT. ONE, TWO -- 570 00:54:39,079 --> 00:54:48,088 >> I AM BISEXUAL! OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, WAR 571 00:54:48,088 --> 00:54:55,962 LOCK? WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME SAID? >> UM, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO 572 00:54:55,962 --> 00:55:01,134 YOU, BUDDY. >> YOU HYPNOTIZED ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, DEVIL MAN. 573 00:55:01,134 --> 00:55:07,140 YOU HAVE TAKEN UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF MY MIND WITHOUT MY CONSENT. 574 00:55:07,140 --> 00:55:12,746 >> YOU'RE NOT HYPNOTIZED. >> WHEN MY MOTHER FINDS OUT YOU MADE ME TELL EVERYONE I'M BI. 575 00:55:12,746 --> 00:55:18,885 >> SO MAYBE WE CHILL OUT A LITTLE BIT. >> MY SPIRIT IS COVERED BY THE 576 00:55:18,885 --> 00:55:25,859 SACRED SPIRIT OF JESUS. I'M A CHILD OF ABRAHAM, AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I DO NOT GIVE 577 00:55:25,859 --> 00:55:32,298 MY CONSENT TO BE HYPNOTIZED. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY SECRETS? I'M BI! 578 00:55:32,298 --> 00:55:36,436 WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME SAID? >> OKAY. FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT MAKING 579 00:55:36,436 --> 00:55:41,408 THIS LITTLE BOY SAY HE'S BI. >> SOLOMON, HON, YOU'RE FREAKING PEOPLE OUT, OKAY? 580 00:55:41,408 --> 00:55:49,115 >> HE POSSESSED MY WILL AND SIEFENNED MY SECRETS. HE MADE ME TELL EVERYONE I'M BI. 581 00:55:49,115 --> 00:55:59,392 >> LET GO OF SOLOMON'S MIND! >> HE'S FINE. I'M NOT EVEN A REAL HYPNOTIST. 582 00:55:59,392 --> 00:56:05,765 >> THE DEVIL MAY DISGUISE HIMSELF AS A FRIEND, BUT BEWARE BECAUSE HE MAY APPEAR AS A 583 00:56:05,765 --> 00:56:09,903 HYPNOTIST. >> HEY! LET GO OF THAT BOY'S MIND RIGHT 584 00:56:09,903 --> 00:56:14,307 NOW. >> WHO ARE YOU? >> YOU LISTEN TO ME, 585 00:56:14,307 --> 00:56:21,314 MR. FANTASMIC, LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPON AND RELEASE THAT LITTLE BISEXUAL BOY FROM YOUR MAGIC. 586 00:56:21,314 --> 00:56:25,885 RELEASE HIM! >> MY FINAL CONFESSION, I HAVE TO CONTROL -- 587 00:56:25,885 --> 00:56:31,558 * TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR * OH, MY 588 00:56:31,558 --> 00:56:38,465 * TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR * NO! 589 00:56:38,465 --> 00:56:44,904 MY FINAL SECRET, THAT I'M ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD SINGER, HAS BEEN REVEALED! 590 00:56:44,904 --> 00:56:48,141 >> OKAY. SO YOU DID ALL THIS JUST TO SHOW EVERYONE YOU COULD SING? 591 00:56:48,141 --> 00:56:59,853 >> YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. >> I THINK IT GOT ME TOO. * CAN'T LIVE CAN'T BREATHE WITH 592 00:56:59,853 --> 00:57:07,594 NO AIR * >> I'M GETTING AN UBER. * BUT HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO 593 00:57:07,594 --> 00:57:15,335 LIVE ALONE WITH JUST ME 'CUZ MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE * 594 00:57:15,335 --> 00:57:19,472 WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 595 00:57:35,321 --> 00:57:43,730 ** ** ** 596 00:57:43,730 --> 00:57:54,407 * I WATCHED MY MOTHER MISS OUT ON HER LIFE ALL THOSE COULD HAVE BEENS 597 00:57:54,407 --> 00:58:01,381 BECAME HER SACRIFICE * * BUT HERE IN THE DARKNESS IT'S NOT THE FUTURE 598 00:58:01,381 --> 00:58:08,922 NOR THE PAST * * AND CAUSE IT'S MEANT TO BE WITH YOU BOY 599 00:58:08,922 --> 00:58:13,193 IT WILL LAST YOU MET ME HALFWAY * * GROWING PAINS 600 00:58:13,193 --> 00:58:17,030 BROKE SOME CHAINS IN EVERY CHAPTER NOW WE KNOW * 601 00:58:17,030 --> 00:58:20,734 * WHAT IT TAKES FOR OUR EVER AFTER TOOK SOME LEFTS * 602 00:58:20,734 --> 00:58:28,808 * NOW WE'RE RIGHT HERE WHERE WE ARE AND I SING 603 00:58:28,808 --> 00:58:43,757 THIS IS ME NOW * * THIS IS ME NOW AND I TOOK MY TIME 604 00:58:43,757 --> 00:58:48,061 LOT OF WINTERS SUMMERS BABY * * HAD TO HEAL MY HEART 605 00:58:48,061 --> 00:59:01,007 BUT I LOVE WHO I AM LATELY THIS IS ME NOW * * WHEN I WAS A GIRL 606 00:59:01,007 --> 00:59:06,813 THEY'D ASK ME WHAT I'D BE WHAT YOU GON' BE * * A WOMAN IN LOVE 607 00:59:06,813 --> 00:59:11,117 IS WHAT I GREW UP WANTIN' TO BE * * IN LOVE'S 608 00:59:11,117 --> 00:59:20,260 WHAT I WANTED TO BE IT'S MY MELODY THE SYMPHONY I SEEK * 609 00:59:20,260 --> 00:59:26,166 * AND YOUR EVERY WORD GAVE ME STRENGTH TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS 610 00:59:26,166 --> 00:59:29,369 YOU MET ME HALFWAY * * FACE TO FACE TELL THE TRUTH 611 00:59:29,369 --> 00:59:33,106 NO HOLDING BACK WE * * PUT IN WORK 612 00:59:33,106 --> 00:59:37,944 OVERCAME ALL THE DISASTERS TIME APART PUT US RIGHT HERE * 613 00:59:37,944 --> 00:59:44,351 * WHERE WE ARE WHERE WE'RE MEANT TO BE AND I SING 614 00:59:44,351 --> 00:59:57,764 THIS IS ME NOW * * LOVE ME AS I AM THIS IS ME NOW 615 00:59:57,764 --> 00:59:59,899 THIS IS ME NOW AND I TOOK MY TIME * * LOT OF WINTERS 616 00:59:59,899 --> 01:00:03,103 SUMMERS BABY HAD TO HEAL MY HEART MY HEART * 617 01:00:03,103 --> 01:00:09,542 * BUT I LOVE WHO I AM LATELY THIS IS ME NOW GOTTA LEARN TO LEARN 618 01:00:09,542 --> 01:00:13,279 GOTTA LEARN TO GROW * * GOTTA FIND MY WAY YEAH 619 01:00:13,279 --> 01:00:19,686 TAKE ME AS I AM AND I'LL TAKE YOU * * AS YOU ARE 620 01:00:19,686 --> 01:00:27,694 AND WE'LL BUILD THIS LIFE TOGETHER I FOUND MY SHOOTING STAR * 621 01:00:27,694 --> 01:00:30,430 * THE DOUBLE THE SHINE THE GREENER THE DIAMOND ONE OF A KIND 622 01:00:30,430 --> 01:00:33,633 THE CLEARER THE TIMING * * AIN'T NOTHING CHANGE YOU KNOW PAPS GOIN'CRAZY 623 01:00:33,633 --> 01:00:35,235 AHH BEEP BEEP * * PULL UP IN A 624 01:00:35,235 --> 01:00:37,404 BLACK BUGAZZI BABY GOT A LOVE THAT LAST FOREVER * 625 01:00:37,404 --> 01:00:40,106 * OLD TINGZ NEW TINGZ IT'S A NEW LEVEL ALL GAS NO BREAKS 626 01:00:40,106 --> 01:00:43,309 YOU COULD COME REV IT BABY * * I'M READY I'M READY 627 01:00:43,309 --> 01:00:56,690 I'M READY LOVE ME AS I AM * * THIS IS ME NOW 628 01:00:56,690 --> 01:01:03,163 THIS IS ME NOW AND I TOOK MY TIME BABY * 629 01:01:03,163 --> 01:01:05,298 * LOT OF WINTER SUMMERS BABY MY HEART 630 01:01:05,298 --> 01:01:10,637 HAD TO DO IT FOR MYSELF * * GOT A LOT TO LEARN GOTTA LEARN TO GROW 631 01:01:10,637 --> 01:01:25,318 AND FIND MY WAY YEAH * * THIS IS ME NOW 632 01:01:25,318 --> 01:01:36,896 * THIS IS ME NOW THIS IS ME NOW * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 633 01:01:44,371 --> 01:01:53,913 COURT. IN TODAY'S CASE, MARLEEN DAVIS IS SUING HER FORMER HAIRDRESSER 634 01:01:53,913 --> 01:02:01,054 FOR $3,000 IN DAMAGES AFTER SHE RECEIVED, QUOTE, THE HAIR CUT FROM HELL. 635 01:02:01,054 --> 01:02:08,762 >> AND THIS IS SHAUNA CLAIMING SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE AND, QUOTE, GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY. 636 01:02:08,762 --> 01:02:13,433 >> GOOD DAY, EVERYONE. YOU MAY BE SEATED. ALL RIGHT, MS. DAVIS. 637 01:02:13,433 --> 01:02:17,570 YOUR COMPLAINT IS THAT YOU RECEIVED A BAD HAIR CUT FROM THE DEFENDANT. 638 01:02:17,570 --> 01:02:23,076 BUT FROM WHEN I CAN SEE, IT LOOKS FINE. >> YOUR HONOR, IT IS NOT FINE. 639 01:02:23,076 --> 01:02:27,614 LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS WHAT I'M LEFT WITH. THIS IS ME RIGHT HERE ALL DAY 640 01:02:27,614 --> 01:02:32,919 EVERY DAY. >> GOD DAMN! >> LET THE RECORD SHOW MS. DAVIS 641 01:02:32,919 --> 01:02:38,091 IS REVEALING HER EXPOSED BRAIN. >> YOUR HONOR, THAT IS NOT MY FAULT. 642 01:02:38,091 --> 01:02:43,296 SHE CAME UP IN MY SHOP LOOKING A MESS. I CLEANED HER ASS UP. 643 01:02:43,296 --> 01:02:48,101 >> GIRL, MY BRAIN IS OUT OF MY DAMN HEAD. THIS INJURY HAS BEEN A 644 01:02:48,101 --> 01:02:52,906 NIGHTMARE. I LOST MY JOB AT THE ZOO BECAUSE THE QUOTES KEPT LICKING MY BRAIN 645 01:02:52,906 --> 01:02:56,776 AND GETTING SICK. >> YOUR HONOR, LET THE RECORD SHOW SHE LYING. 646 01:02:56,776 --> 01:03:00,847 SHE LOVES IT. I SAW HER AT THE CLUB LAST NIGHT BRAIN DOWN, ASS UP. 647 01:03:00,847 --> 01:03:05,585 >> NO, I WASN'T. >> YES, YOU WAS. >> ALL RIGHT, GUYS. 648 01:03:05,585 --> 01:03:09,322 >> THAT'S HOW IT WENT DOWN, YOUR HONOR. >> ALL RIGHT, MS. DAVIS, IT 649 01:03:09,322 --> 01:03:13,493 APPEARS THAT NOW MORE THAN ANYTHING, YOU NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL. 650 01:03:13,493 --> 01:03:17,931 >> OKAY. FIRST OFF, NO. I YA LET MY EX-BOYFRIEND SEE ME 651 01:03:17,931 --> 01:03:23,937 LIKE THIS. HE WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL. >> HE PROBABLY JUST AN RN. 652 01:03:23,937 --> 01:03:30,910 >> HE GETS PAID TO GIVE BLOOD. IRREGARDLESS, I CAN'T LET HIM SEE ME LIKE THIS. 653 01:03:30,910 --> 01:03:34,881 >> LOOK LIKE IT HURT. >> LOOK LIKE YOU NEED TO MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. 654 01:03:34,881 --> 01:03:41,721 IT'S EMBARRASSING, AND WHEN IT'S WINDY OUT, I CAN FEEL MY MEMORIES GETTING BLOWN AWAY. 655 01:03:41,721 --> 01:03:45,759 >> HOW ON EARTH DID IT GET THIS BAD? >> LET ME EXPLAIN. 656 01:03:45,759 --> 01:03:56,202 SHE CAME UP TO ME IN MY SALON AND SAID MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THIS. >> LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT IS A 657 01:03:56,202 --> 01:04:01,174 PHOTO OF MARGE SIMPSON FROM THE SHOW THE SIMPSONS. >> THIS IS NO FAULT OF MINE, I 658 01:04:01,174 --> 01:04:08,248 HAVE A PLETHORA OF HAPPY CLIENTS. MY MOST LOYAL CLIENT BEEN COMING 659 01:04:08,248 --> 01:04:14,654 TO ME FOR THREE YEARS. >> HELLO, YOUR HONOR. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT SHAUNA 660 01:04:14,654 --> 01:04:19,259 HAS NEVER DONE ME WRONG. I WOULD NEVER GO TO ANYONE ELSE. I STOP TRAFFIC, OKAY? 661 01:04:19,259 --> 01:04:26,733 >> NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU THINK. >> NOW, MRS. WHITE, TELL ME, HAS 662 01:04:26,733 --> 01:04:29,436 YOUR HAIRLINE ALWAYS STARTED IN THE PAST. OH, SNAP. 663 01:04:29,436 --> 01:04:31,971 >> OH, SNAP. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 664 01:04:31,971 --> 01:04:35,508 OKAY. IF YOU JUST GOING TO BE DISRESPECTFUL, I'M JUST GOING TO 665 01:04:35,508 --> 01:04:39,979 LEAVE THEN. >> OH, MY GOD! OH! 666 01:04:39,979 --> 01:04:44,317 >> BRAIN POPPING OUT THE BACK TOO. >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I CAME 667 01:04:44,317 --> 01:04:48,388 HERE. CAN SOMEONE BLOW ON THE BACK OF MY BRAIN SO I CAN JUST FORGET 668 01:04:48,388 --> 01:04:51,725 TODAY? >> I GOT YOU, GIRL. >> YOUR HONOR, SHE NEEDS TO PAY 669 01:04:51,725 --> 01:04:55,729 UP. >> UM, NO. YOU NOT GETTING ONE RED CENT, 670 01:04:55,729 --> 01:05:01,301 THAT'S THE COLOR OF PENNIES. >> I DON'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT PART OF MY BRAIN IS GONE. 671 01:05:01,301 --> 01:05:05,405 >> WELL, YOU WASN'T USING IT ANYWAY. >> I'M ABOUT TO USE PART OF MY 672 01:05:05,405 --> 01:05:10,210 FOOT TO PUT IT IN YOUR -- >> IN MY WHAT? IN MY WHAT? 673 01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:13,113 >> ORDER. ORDER. NOW, I'M NOT SURE WHO NEEDS TO 674 01:05:13,113 --> 01:05:19,152 PAY WHO. BUT I HOPE ALL INVOLVED GO TO HELL WHEN THEY DIE. 675 01:05:19,152 --> 01:05:23,623 I AIN'T SAYING DIE NOW, BUT WHENEVER YOU DO, I HOPE HELL IS WHERE YOU GO. 676 01:05:23,623 --> 01:05:28,828 BUT I TELL YOU WHERE I'M ABOUT TO GO, CHILI'S. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M ABOUT TO CHECK 677 01:05:28,828 --> 01:05:33,566 OUT THAT TWO FOR TWO. PEACE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 678 01:05:41,474 --> 01:05:51,518 >>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU TO JENNIFER LOPEZ! 679 01:05:51,518 --> 01:06:01,194 TO REDMAN, TO NIKKI HALEY, AND TO THIS AMAZING CAST. THIS CAST, THIS CAST, THIS CAST, 680 01:06:01,194 --> 01:06:06,733 THIS CREW! EVERYBODY RUNNING ME AROUND. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 681 01:06:06,733 --> 01:06:12,605 IT'S BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE. THE SHOW'S BEEN AMAZING. I LOVE YOU. 682 01:06:12,605 --> 01:06:16,409 I LOVE YOU. GOOD NIGHT. YEAH.