1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:06,172 >>> YOU'RE WATCHING CNN. >> GOOD EVENING. 2 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:13,113 I'M ABBY PHILLIP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, 3 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:16,983 PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS FINISHED DELIVERING HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. 4 00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:20,720 BIDEN NEEDED TO SHOW ENERGY TONIGHT, AND HE DIDN'T DISAPPOINT. 5 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:27,660 AFTER A BRIEF 45 MINUTES OF SELFFIES ON THE WAY TO THE PODIUM, BIDEN BEGAN HIS SPEECH 6 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:30,797 WITH A BANG. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. >> ALL RIGHT. 7 00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:34,834 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. I JUST POUNDED A CELSIUS. 8 00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:38,538 LET'S DO THIS. WHOO! WHOO! 9 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:45,045 WHOO! ALL RIGHT. OKAY. 10 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:54,988 MR. SPEAKER, TOO SLOW. LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. 11 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:59,726 FOLKS, TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO COVER A LOT. THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF 12 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:04,264 APPLAUSE. SO KAMALA, I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SKIP LEG DAY, GIRL. 13 00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:14,140 YOU'RE GOING TO BE UP AND DOWN ALL NIGHT. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING 14 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,075 ABOUT! WHOO! WHOO! 15 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:19,612 LET'S GO! NOW TONIGHT, I'M ALSO GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT MY PREDECESSOR, 16 00:01:19,612 --> 00:01:27,087 MAINLY BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SAY PREDECESSOR, MIKE JOHNSON SHAKES HIS HEAD LIKE HE JUST 17 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:34,794 ACCIDENTALLY CUT 30 SECONDS OF THE SHOW EUPHORIA. LOOK AT THAT WEIRDO. 18 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:43,003 I ACTUALLY TRIED TO FIX THE BORDER CRISIS, BUT THE BILL WAS TANKED BY MY PREDECESSOR. 19 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:49,709 OH, OH, OH, YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? OH, YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? ANYBODY WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO 20 00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:54,647 ME? >> I DO. BOO! 21 00:01:54,647 --> 00:02:02,188 LIAR. >> DAMN IT. WHOA. 22 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:07,193 MARGERY, YEAH, THANKS FOR DRESSING UP TONIGHT. YOU KNOW, I WOULD STAY HERE AND 23 00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:13,133 TALK TO Y'ALL MORE, BUT I SAW A GLIMPSE OF THE REPUBLICAN SENATOR'S RESPONSE TO MY SPEECH, 24 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,670 AND I THINK SHE'S GOING TO HELP ME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I CAN SAY HERE. 25 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:23,510 ENJOY. >> ALL IN ALL, A STRONG SPEECH FROM PRESIDENT BIDEN. 26 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:29,082 BUT LET'S FOLLOW HIS ADVICE AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE REPUBLICAN RESPONSE FROM ALABAMA JUNIOR 27 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:34,654 SENATOR, KATIE BRITT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> GOOD EVENING, AMERICA. 28 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:44,464 MY NAME IS KATIE BRITT. AND I HAVE THE HONOR OF SERVING THE GREAT PEOPLE OF ALABAMA. 29 00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:52,205 BUT TONIGHT, I'LL BE AUDITIONING FOR THE PART OF SCARY MOM. AND I'LL BE PERFORMING AN 30 00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:58,311 ORIGINAL MONOLOGUE CALLED THIS COUNTRY IS HELL. YOU SEE, I'M NOT JUST A SENATOR, 31 00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:05,285 I'M A WIFE, A MOTHER, AND THE CRAZIEST BITCH IN THE TARGET PARKING LOT. 32 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:12,892 I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN, AND THIS IS WHY I'VE INVITED YOU INTO THIS 33 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:19,933 STRANGE, EMPTY KITCHEN. BECAUSE REPUBLICANS WANTED ME TO APPEAL TO WOMAN VOTERS, AND 34 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:29,642 WOMEN LOVE KITCHEN. BUT SERIOUSLY, MY HUSBAND WESLEY AND I JUST WATCHED PRESIDENT 35 00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:35,749 BIDEN'S SPEECH, AND WHAT I SAW WAS THE PERFORMANCE OF A PERMANENT POLITICIAN. 36 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:42,956 BUT ME, I'M NOT PERFORMING. I'M NOT. I'M NOT. 37 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:48,528 BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST, I'M A MOM. AND LIKE ANY MOM, I'M GOING TO 38 00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:55,001 DO A PIVOT OUT OF NOWHERE INTO A SHOCKINGLY VIOLENT STORY ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING. 39 00:03:55,001 --> 00:04:02,208 AND REST ASSURED, EVERY DETAIL ABOUT IT IS REAL, EXCEPT THE YEAR, WHERE IT TOOK PLACE, AND 40 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:07,881 WHO WAS PRESIDENT WHEN IT HAPPENED. AND TONIGHT, I AM NOT JUST 41 00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:14,854 RESPONDING TO THE STATE OF THE UNION. I AM ALSO SELLING THESE GORGEOUS 42 00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:21,094 BEJEWELED CROSS QUICK LASSES FOR QVC. THIS AFINTY DIAMOND NECKLACE 43 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:27,067 GOES WITH ANYTHING, AND YOU CAN WEAR IT FROM DA CHURCH TO DA CLUB. 44 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:31,504 AND NOW I'M GOING TO GET REALLY SEDUCTIVE FOR NO APPARENT REASON. 45 00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:38,144 AS I WAS SAYING, THE AMERICAN DREAM HAS TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE. 46 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:44,184 OH, MY. YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND WESLEY AND I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THIS 47 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:51,725 KITCHEN WORRYING. KITCHENS ARE WHERE FAMILIES HAVE THE HARD CONVERSATIONS. 48 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:58,498 LIKE THE ONE WE'LL HAVE TOMORROW ABOUT HOW MOMMY FREAKED OUT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. 49 00:04:58,498 --> 00:05:06,272 BUT, Y'ALL, BIDEN'S THE ONE WHO IS DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY. JUST ASK YOURSELF, ARE YOU 50 00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:16,182 BETTER OFF TODAY THAN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS AGO? BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF 51 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:21,488 2020, THE YEAR THAT NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. * AND IT CAN BE THAT WAY AGAIN * 52 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:27,827 OH, GOSH, I GUESS I CAN SING. THAT'S SO GREAT. BUT OUR COUNTRY IS NOT. 53 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:33,366 IT'S LIKE I TELL MY KIDS EVERY NIGHT. WE ARE STEEPED IN THE BLOOD OF 54 00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:38,805 PATRIOTS IN A CASTLE MADE OF BONES. GOOD NIGHT, KIDS. 55 00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:55,088 AND SPEAKING OF TEA, MY TEA IS READY. BUT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO 56 00:05:55,088 --> 00:06:02,562 ARE STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW, KNOW THIS. WE HEAR YOU. 57 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:10,570 WE SEE YOU. WE SMELL YOU. WE'RE INSIDE YOUR KITCHEN RIGHT 58 00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:19,045 NOW LOOKING THROUGH YOUR FRIDGE. AND WHAT'S THAT ON THE TOP SHELF? 59 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:26,086 MIGRANTS. I THINK THAT ANALOGY WENT WELL. IN CONCLUSION, TO THE PRESIDENT 60 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:33,927 OF THE UNITED STATES, I'LL JUST SAY THIS, MR. BIDEN, THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF KATIE 61 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:41,267 BRITT. MAYBE NOT IN POLITICS, BUT WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, I'LL BE 62 00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:46,106 RIGHT THERE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 63 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:54,080 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 64 00:06:57,183 --> 00:08:10,223 WITH... 65 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,792 WITH... FEATURING -- 66 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:48,728 MUSICAL GUEST -- ARIANA GRANDE. AND YOUR HOST -- JOSH BROLIN. 67 00:08:52,465 --> 00:09:13,386 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOSH BROLIN! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 68 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:20,293 >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE BEING HERE. 69 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:25,432 YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS SINCE I LAST HOSTED. AND I'VE MISSED THIS PLACE. 70 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:32,672 I MEAN, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. NOT REALLY. IT'S THE SAME. 71 00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:39,079 BUT THE BAND -- I MEAN, A COUPLE GUYS, BUT IT'S ALL -- ANYWAY, IT ALL SEEMS DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S 72 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:44,851 THE SAME. THE FIRST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN 2008, MUSICAL GUEST WAS SOMEONE 73 00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:51,424 I HAD NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE, ADELE. NOW SHE'S A GLOBAL SUPERSTAR. 74 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:58,231 THE SECOND TIME I HOSTED, THE MUSICAL GUEST WAS GOTYE, AND NOW HE'S JUST SOMEONE THAT I 75 00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:01,901 USED TO KNOW. 12 YEARS. WHERE DOES IT GO? 76 00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:08,641 I MEAN, LOOK AT THE MILESTONES THAT WE'VE EXPERIENCED. MARTHA STEWART AND SNOOP DOGG 77 00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:16,516 RIPPING BONG HITS TOGETHER. CARDI B'S HIT SONG WET ASS PASTRAMI. 78 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:25,125 I WAS A PURPLE DUDE, THANOS WITH A SCROTUM CHIN THAT SNAPPED ALL THE POPULATION INTO DUST. 79 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:31,297 IT'S BEEN A GOOD 12 YEARS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'VE BEEN DIRECTING, I'VE BEEN 80 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:37,370 WRITING A LOT. I WROTE AN APPARENTLY SUPER CREEPY POEM ABOUT TIMOTHEE 81 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,005 CHALAMET. I DON'T THINK IT'S CREEPY, BUT YOU BE THE JUDGE. 82 00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:45,845 LIGHTS. YOUR FACE IS ETCHED BY ADOLESCENCE. 83 00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:55,055 YOUR CHEEKBONES JUT TOWARD WHAT ARE YOUTH EYES THAT SLIDE DOWN A PROMINENT NOSE AND ON TO LIPS OF 84 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:59,959 A CERTAIN POETRY. I MEAN, IT'S WEIRD, YEAH. BUT I -- NO, I DON'T WANT TO 85 00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:05,265 SLEEP WITH HIM. BUT THAT'S WHAT I DO. I WRITE POEMS ABOUT EVERYONE I 86 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:10,070 WORK WITH. LIKE THIS WEEK, I WROTE A POEM ABOUT KENAN. 87 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:15,842 >> WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY NOW? >> REMEMBER? WE WERE REHEARSING, AND I WAS 88 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:21,715 LOOKING AT YOU, YOUR FACE, AND I JUST GOT INSPIRED. LIGHTS. 89 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:30,590 I LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR AGELESS FACE AND SLIDE DOWN FURROWED BROW UNTO SULTRY EYES. 90 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:41,568 THEN JUMPING OFF UNDER YOUR SUGAR COOKIE CHEEKS INTO THE DIVETS OF YOUR LAUGH LINES 91 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:47,540 AWAKENS IN ME A SYMPHONY OF DESIRE, TO WHICH I CAN ONLY SAY -- WHAT UP WITH THAT? 92 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:52,746 >> COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL. >> LOVE YOU. 93 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:59,586 ANY WHO, I WRITE A LOT. I MEAN HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT LATER THIS YEAR CALLED "FROM 94 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:06,693 UNDER THE TRUCK." THAT WHOLE BOOK IS ABOUT KENAN. SO THIS IS MY THIRD TIME 95 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:11,831 HOSTING, AND, MAN, THERE'S JUST NOTHING LIKE IT. YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN DOING COLD 96 00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:18,805 PLUNGES FOR 20 YEARS, RIGHT? AND THE ONLY THING I CAN COMPARE THIS SHOW TO IS THAT. 97 00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:24,911 HOSTING IS LIKE JUMPING INTO AN ICE BATH, YOU KNOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 98 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:33,987 SCARY, IT'S EXHILARATING, YOUR PENIS IS IN YOUR STOMACH. THERE'S JUST NO WAY TO PREPARE 99 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:42,429 FOR IT. SO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST JUMP RIGHT IN. 100 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:55,208 SURRENDER TO THE DISCOMFORT. YOU READY FOR THIS? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 101 00:12:55,208 --> 00:13:01,748 OH! I AM INEVITABLE! WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 102 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,685 TONIGHT. ARIANA GRANDE IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND. 103 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,087 ARIANA GRANDE IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 104 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:30,210 IS OFFICIALLY OPEN. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, CHELSEA. OH, THIS IS SO GREAT. 105 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:36,149 >> SHE'S A BUSINESS OWNER. MEANWHILE, WE'RE MAKING CHECK DEPOSITS LIKE IT'S 1995. 106 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,885 >> BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, HONOR. LAST TIME WE TRIED E THE 107 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:43,390 DEPOSITING I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED BY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER ON ZILLOW. 108 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:53,099 >> THIS IS A ROBBERY! >> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO US? 109 00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:57,270 >> SLIDE YOUR PHONES ACROSS THE FLOOR. >> MOVE. 110 00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:01,908 COME ON! >> DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME. DO NOT. 111 00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:06,179 >> BE QUIET AND NO ONE GETS HURT, OKAY? >> NO ONE GETS HURT? 112 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:11,217 YEAH RIGHT. I'VE SEEN ENOUGH MOVIES TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A CHICK LIKE ME. 113 00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:16,089 TAKE ME TO THE VAULT AND GET IT OVER WITH YOU NASTY BOYS. >> WHAT? 114 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:19,359 LADY, SHUT UP. >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? JUST WATCH? 115 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:25,065 >> WATCH WHAT? >> WATCH HELPLESS AS YOU HAVE YOUR WAY WITH MY SUPPLE WIFE? 116 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:30,303 >> THIS IS SO MESSED UP. >> AND WHO'S GOING TO FILM IT? HIM? 117 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:33,773 >> FILM IT? >> I'M SO MAD I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW. 118 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:38,712 >> SHUT UP! NO ONE'S FILMING ANYTHING. >> WHO HERE IS THE BANK MANAGER? 119 00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:45,752 >> I AM. I'M THE MANAGER. >> ALL RIGHT, GLASSES. 120 00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:49,556 WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE VAULT AND PUT IN THE COMBINATION. >> AND YOU BETTER NOT TRIP THE 121 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:54,127 DISTRESS ALARM. >> DON'T TOUCH HIM. TOUCH ME! 122 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:59,332 HE PROBABLY HAS SOME FAMILY, AND I'M JUST SOME CHICK. >> MOVE, LADY. 123 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:07,741 >> WHY ARE YOUR HANDS TIED UP? >> WE TIED OURSELVES BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE YOU SICKOS 124 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:11,444 THE SATISFACTION. YOU PROBABLY ARE GOING TO TAKE MY CHICK IN THE BACK AND LAY HER 125 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:17,717 ON A BED OF QUARTERS AND MAKE A SMUT FILM IN THE VAULT. YOU MAKE ME SICK. 126 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:24,791 >> YEAH. WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE FILM? ROBIN ROBIN OR STICKUP AT 127 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:29,729 ROBIN'S? >> HER NAME IS ROBIN, OKAY? >> YOU GUYS SHUT UP. 128 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:33,299 NO ONE WANTS TO OR IS GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR WIFE. >> OH, I GET IT. 129 00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:39,673 SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME INSTEAD? YOU KNOW THIS, IF YOU TRY ANY 130 00:15:39,673 --> 00:15:46,246 FUNNY BUSINESS, I WILL JUST SCREAM, AND I WILL SCREAM LIKE THIS, EHHHHH! 131 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:54,087 >> THAT'S YOUR SCREAM? >> ISN'T IT YOUR LUCKY DAY? WE JUST OPENED UP OUR MARRIAGE. 132 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:59,459 >> AND WE WERE BOTH PRETTY NERVOUS ABOUT OPENING THINGS UP, SO WE MADE A LOT OF RULES. 133 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:05,298 >> AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE RULES ALLOWS ME TO BE WITH MEN. >> Y'ALL ARE NASTY. 134 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:11,771 CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP SO THEY CAN ROB US IN PEACE? >> GUYS, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? 135 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:15,241 I'VE BEEN IN THE VAN FOR TEN MINUTES. >> OH, LOOK AT THAT, A BARELY 136 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:23,183 LEGAL LATINO. THAT'S COOL, RIGHT? >> A BARELY LEGAL LATINO IS 137 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:28,054 MUCHO COOL. >> OKAY. I'M NOT BARELY LEGAL. 138 00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,791 I'M 31. EWW. WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? 139 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:36,596 >> THIS WEIRD COUPLE IS TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH US. >> AND THIS PERVERT WANTS TO 140 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:40,266 FILM IT. >> I DO NOT WANT TO FILM IT. THAT WAS THEIR SUGGESTION. 141 00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:44,537 >> WELL, THERE'S ANOTHER BANK ON THE EAST SIDE. SHOULD WE JUST GO THERE? 142 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,841 >> NO, YOU IDIOT. WE'RE ALREADY HERE. OKAY? 143 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:52,445 YOU NEED TO MAN UP, OKAY? AND THEN LET'S FINISH WHAT WE STARTED HERE, ALL RIGHT? 144 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:56,716 >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. >> REMEMBER US? 145 00:16:56,716 --> 00:17:01,287 >> YEAH! YOU SICKOS. >> WHY ARE YOU HAND CUFFED AND 146 00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:05,825 IN YOUR UNDERWEAR? >> BECAUSE I'VE SEEN ENOUGH MOVIES TO KNOW WHAT'S COMING 147 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:12,332 NEXT FOR A CHICK LIKE ME. >> BUT KNOW THIS, I DO PILATES, OKAY? 148 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:17,203 IT'S GOING TO HURT WAY MORE THAN IT'S GOING TO HURT ME. >> OH, MY GOD. 149 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:22,108 >> WHAT THE HELL? >> WHAT THE HELL? >> THE COPS! 150 00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:27,380 >> LET'S GO. LET'S GO! STOP IT! 151 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:34,054 >> OH, THE BOYS IN BLUE! I HOPE THOSE BEEFY PIGS DON'T TRY TO JOIN IN. 152 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:39,225 >> BUT IF THEY DO, HE'S GOING TO FILM IT. >> KEEP ME OUT OF IT! 153 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:56,509 >>> MAN, I FORGOT MY CHARGER, DAMN IT. >> HEADPHONES, SIR? 154 00:17:56,509 --> 00:18:00,880 >> YEAH, SURE. >> THAT'LL BE 29.99. >> WHAT? 155 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,483 NO. NEVER MIND, THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHTY, SIR. 156 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:10,023 >> IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG FLIGHT. * I'M ON THIS FLIGHT TO PHOENIX, 157 00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:17,130 AND MY PHONE'S GOT NO POWER, I GOT NO DAMN ENTERTAINMENT FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS * 158 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:25,705 * WHEN OUT THE CORNER OF MY EYE, I AM SAFE FROM DISASTER, THE MAN TO MY RIGHT IS WATCHING BRAD 159 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:35,648 PITT IN AD ASTRA, AND NOW I AM THE MAN WHO WATCHES THE MAN WHO WATCHES THE MOVIE CATTY CORNER 160 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:42,455 TO ME * * MY KINDLE IS DEAD, I AM RAW DOGGING THIS FLIGHT, SO I WILL 161 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:48,862 WATCH WHAT HE WATCHES, THE MAN TO MY RIGHT * * I GOT MY KINDLE AND SOME 162 00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:56,202 HEADPHONES, LIFE COULDN'T BE BETTER AND WHEN I LOOK UP I SEE THEY GOT MY FAVORITE MOVIE 163 00:18:56,202 --> 00:19:01,708 EVER * * I'M WATCHING AD ASTRA, BRAD PITT'S IN THE ZONE, I LOOK OVER 164 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:08,715 MY SHOULDER AND REALIZED I AM NOT ALONE * * BECAUSE BACK THERE IS A MAN, 165 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:15,088 HE'S WATCHING ME, MAN, HE'S WATCHING MY MOVIE, CATTY CORNER TO ME * 166 00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:21,494 * HIS BREATH IS ON MY NECK, I CAN'T KEEP WATCHING LIKE THIS, I GO TO TURN OFF THE MOVIE, HIS 167 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:29,469 HAND GRABS MY WRIST * * DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, I GOT NOTHING TO DO, MY KINDLE IS 168 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:35,575 DEAD, SO I AM LIVING THROUGH YOU * * HOW CAN YOU EVEN WATCH IT, 169 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:41,948 THERE'S NO CAPTIONS, I'LL KEEP IT ON IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT JUST HAPPENED * 170 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:50,357 * PROBABLY BRAD IS AD ASTRA, NO THAT'S NOT HIS NAME * * THEN WHO THE HELL IS AD ASTRA, 171 00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:58,765 YOU SOUND TOTALLY INSANE. HERE JUST PLAY MY SUDOKU * * I DO NOT KNOW HOW, I NEVER 172 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:05,939 LEARNED THE RULES, AND I AM NOT STARTING NOW * >> WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP? 173 00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:12,145 * THIS POUR SOUL HAS NOTHING, HIS KINDLE IS DEAD, ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU WITH NOTHING TO DO 174 00:20:12,145 --> 00:20:18,685 BUT STARE AHEAD * * I AM THE AIR MARSHALL, ON MY PLANE THERE'S ONE RULE, YOU MUST 175 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:24,624 DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO YOU * * BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU'LL BE THE 176 00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:30,663 MAN WHO WATCHES THE MAN WHO WATCHES THE MOVIE CATTY CORNER TO ME * 177 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:37,871 * IF YOUR KINDLE IS DEAD AND YOU'RE RAW DOGGING THIS FLIGHT, THEN YOU WILL WATCH WHAT HE 178 00:20:37,871 --> 00:20:51,217 WATCHES, THE MAN TO YOUR RIGHT * * YEAHHHHH * >> ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT. 179 00:20:56,022 --> 00:21:01,661 >>> I LOVE THAT SHIRT, CELINE. >> YOU DO? I HATE IT. 180 00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:05,231 IT LOOKS STUPID ON ME. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. 181 00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:09,102 I LOVE IT BUT IT'S STUPID. >> OKAY. LET'S GET STARTED THEN. 182 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:14,240 EVERYONE, WELCOME BACK TO THE PEOPLE PLEASERS SUPPORT GROUP. >> IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE. 183 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,976 >> YEA, WE'RE BACK. >> AND NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO TALK AT ONCE. 184 00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:20,880 >> TOTALLY. >> NOT EVERYONE CAN HEAR. >> WE SHOULDN'T ALL BE TALKING. 185 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:26,419 >> YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF CONFLICT, SO YOU AGREE WITH LITERALLY 186 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:30,657 EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS. BUT WE'RE HERE TO HEAL. WHO WANTS TO SHARE FIRST TODAY? 187 00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:35,762 >> I'LL GO. THIS WEEK, MY BOYFRIEND WANTED TO GO OUT TO DINNER, BUT I 188 00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:42,202 ALREADY ATE. >> SO WHAT DID YOU DO? >> I SAID, SOUNDS GREAT. 189 00:21:42,202 --> 00:21:45,205 I'M HUNGRY. I'LL DRIVE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO. NO WORRIES AT ALL. 190 00:21:45,205 --> 00:21:48,608 >> THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE. >> IT'S FINE TO HAVE TWO 191 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:51,311 DINNERS. >> LIKE WE SAID LAST WEEK, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE 192 00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:54,881 ASSERTIVE AND SAY NO. >> TOTALLY. THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I WAS 193 00:21:54,881 --> 00:21:58,118 THINKING. >> BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU DID. >> YOU'RE SO RIGHT. 194 00:21:58,118 --> 00:22:01,688 I DID NOT DO THAT BECAUSE I COULD NOT DO THAT. I'M DUMB. 195 00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:05,392 >> DON'T CALL YOURSELF DUMB. UNLESS YOU WANT TO, THEN NO WORRIES. 196 00:22:05,392 --> 00:22:09,295 >> NO, MIKE, IT'S NOT NO WORRIES. THAT'S A PHRASE WE TRY TO AVOID 197 00:22:09,295 --> 00:22:14,434 ALONG WITH ALL GOOD EITHER WAY, NO TOTALLY, AND I'M FINE WITH WHATEVER, ANGEL. 198 00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:18,738 MIKE, WHY DON'T YOU SHARE? >> OKAY. I'VE BEEN REALLY WANTING TO 199 00:22:18,738 --> 00:22:22,375 BREAK UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. >> YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR A LONG TIME. 200 00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:27,213 YOU NEED TO DUMP HER. >> BUT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SO LONG, AND SHE REALLY UNDERSTANDS 201 00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:30,083 ME. >> YOU CAN'T BREAK UP NOW, LOVE IS SO IMPORTANT. 202 00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:34,587 >> I DECIDED BREAKING UP WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, SO I SAT HER DOWN TO DO IT. 203 00:22:34,587 --> 00:22:38,091 >> THAT'S GREAT. HOW DID IT GO? >> WENT REALLY WELL. 204 00:22:38,091 --> 00:22:41,528 I PROPOSED, AND WE'RE GETTING MARRIED. IS THAT GOOD? 205 00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:44,631 >> NO. I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT GOOD. 206 00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:49,102 OKAY. WHO'S NEXT? HEY, SAM, BUDDY, DO YOU WANT TO 207 00:22:49,102 --> 00:22:56,710 MAYBE TELL US ABOUT YOUR NEW HAIR? DID YOU GO TO THE BARBER AND 208 00:22:56,710 --> 00:23:03,249 THEY SAID THEY HAD AN IDEA? AND YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD IMMEDIATELY, BUT YOU JUST 209 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:09,055 WATCHED THEM DO IT AND THEN YOU SAID I LOVE IT, THANK YOU. >> BUT CAN I SAY SOMETHING IN MY 210 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:12,192 DEFENSE? I GAVE THEM A HUGE TIP. >> OKAY. 211 00:23:12,192 --> 00:23:16,363 WHO'S NEXT? WHERE IS SERAFINA? >> HEY, EVERYONE. 212 00:23:16,363 --> 00:23:24,170 SORRY I'M LATE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I GOT HIT BY A CAR, AND I WAS 213 00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:29,676 LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY, CAR, I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY. >> ALL RIGHT, SERAFINA, WHY 214 00:23:29,676 --> 00:23:32,846 DON'T YOU SHARE? >> OKAY. WELL, I HATE MY JOB, SO I NEED 215 00:23:32,846 --> 00:23:37,917 TO QUIT. BUT THEY GIVE ME GREAT HEALTH INSURANCE, AND IT'S SO NICE OF 216 00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:41,287 THEM TO PAY ME. >> SHE HAS TO STAY FOR THE HEALTH INSURANCE. 217 00:23:41,287 --> 00:23:46,893 >> OF COURSE. WHAT IF SHE GETS SICK. >> HOW ABOUT WE TRY A ROLE PLAY 218 00:23:46,893 --> 00:23:50,296 EXERCISE? CHARLIE, CAN YOU PLAY HER BOSS? >> YES. 219 00:23:50,296 --> 00:23:54,834 UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO. WHATEVER IS FINE. >> SO CHARLIE IS YOUR BOSS. 220 00:23:54,834 --> 00:24:00,807 TRY ASKING HIM FOR A RAISE. >> OKAY. I NEED A RAISE. 221 00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:04,077 >> NO, TOTALLY. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT RAISE. SORRY. 222 00:24:04,077 --> 00:24:08,615 I'M SUCH A BAD BOSS. YOU CAN HAVE MY JOB. >> NO, YOU'RE GREAT. 223 00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:13,053 I'M DOING BAD AS AN EMPLOYEE. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY FIRE ME. >> YOU'RE DOING GREAT. 224 00:24:13,053 --> 00:24:15,722 I'M SO SORRY. >> I LOVE YOU. >> I LOVE YOU TOO. 225 00:24:15,722 --> 00:24:20,060 >> I'M DUMB, YOU'RE SMART. >> WE ARE BOTH SMART AND STUPID. >> THAT'S IT. 226 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:26,366 >> I'M THE COMPANY'S CEO, AND YOU'RE BOTH SO AMAZING, YOU SHOULD HAVE MY JOB. 227 00:24:26,366 --> 00:24:28,935 I DON'T DESERVE IT. I'M RESIGNING. >> STOP. 228 00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:32,138 WHAT HAPPENED THERE WAS BAD. IN THAT EXERCISE, EVERYONE LOST THEIR JOBS. 229 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:36,543 >> WELL, I THINK THEY DID THEIR BEST. >> YEAH. 230 00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:40,180 AND I AGREE -- IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU. >> I THINK OUR WORK IS DONE 231 00:24:40,180 --> 00:24:46,319 HERE. LET'S ALL SAY THE PEOPLE PLEASERS PRAYER OF DEFERENCE. 232 00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:54,294 >> GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO SAY NO, BUT IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY WITH HEAVEN, THEN NO WORRIES. 233 00:24:54,294 --> 00:24:59,632 WITH HEAVEN, THEN NO WORRIES. AMEN. OR A-MEN, WHATEVER YOU PREFER. 234 00:25:15,281 --> 00:25:18,451 >> OH, YES. I LIKE THAT ONE. WHAT IS THAT? 235 00:25:18,451 --> 00:25:24,057 >> THAT'S THE CABERNET, AND THE BOOK SAYS TO PAIR THAT WITH THE AGED GOUDA. 236 00:25:24,057 --> 00:25:27,060 >> MM. THAT'S GOOD. YEAH. 237 00:25:27,060 --> 00:25:31,297 >> GOSH, RICK AND MELISSA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US OVER. >> YEAH. 238 00:25:31,297 --> 00:25:35,669 I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A WINE AND CHEESE NIGHT BEFORE. >> WELL, WE HAVE A PASSION FOR 239 00:25:35,669 --> 00:25:40,306 WINE AND A PASSION FOR FINE CHEESE. WE'RE SO HAPPY TO GET TO SHARE 240 00:25:40,306 --> 00:25:45,545 IT WITH ALL OF YOU. >> OH, MY GOSH, BABE, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO JOIN US. 241 00:25:45,545 --> 00:25:52,585 TIGER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? >> AWW, SHE LOVES YOU. >> THE LITTLE GUY JUST WALKED 242 00:25:52,585 --> 00:25:57,090 RIGHT UP AND CURLED UP IN MY LAP. >> WELL, THAT IS SPECIAL. 243 00:25:57,090 --> 00:26:04,864 TIGER NEVER COMES OUT WHEN WE HAVE COMPANY, AND HE NEVER SNUGGLES UP TO ANYONE LIKE THAT. 244 00:26:04,864 --> 00:26:09,869 >> SERIOUSLY? >> NOT THAT I CAN REMEMBER. CHRIS, YOU MUST HAVE GOOD 245 00:26:09,869 --> 00:26:13,573 ENERGY. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. >> WELL, I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE 246 00:26:13,573 --> 00:26:23,683 READY FOR A TRIP TO ESPANIA BECAUSE UP NEXT WE HAVE A ROIJA. >> THE CAT NEVER DOES THIS? 247 00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:27,320 >> NOT REALLY. LIKE MELISSA SAID, YOU MUST HAVE GOOD ENERGY. 248 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:33,693 >> I HOPE SO. I MEAN, THE CAT CHOSE ME, RIGHT? MUST BE BECAUSE OF MY ENERGY. 249 00:26:33,693 --> 00:26:38,698 >> YEAH. >> SO, GUYS FOR THE RIOJA, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET A 250 00:26:38,698 --> 00:26:43,970 GOOD NOSE, SO REALLY GET IN THERE. >> CAT COULD'VE CHOSE ANYONE. 251 00:26:43,970 --> 00:26:49,709 BUT HE CHOSE ME, SO I GUESS I GOT GOOD ENERGY. >> YEAH, CHRIS, ARE YOU OKAY, 252 00:26:49,709 --> 00:26:52,712 MAN? SEEMS LIKE THIS CAT THING IS REALLY SIGNIFICANT TO YOU. 253 00:26:52,712 --> 00:26:58,284 >> WELL, IT IS. I WORRY I DON'T HAVE GOOD ENERGY, SO IT'S GOOD TO KNOW 254 00:26:58,284 --> 00:27:01,454 THAT I DO. THAT'S AWESOME. >> IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 255 00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:08,661 ANYTHING GOING ON AT WORK OR? >> NO, JUST SAME OLD, SAME OLD, CLOSING DOWN NURSING HOMES AND 256 00:27:08,661 --> 00:27:15,802 TURNING THEM INTO TOP GOLFS. SAME AS IT EVER WAS. >> GOD, I FORGET THAT'S WHAT YOU 257 00:27:15,802 --> 00:27:18,371 DO. >> BY THE WAY, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE OLD FOLKS AFTER YOU SHUT 258 00:27:18,371 --> 00:27:23,309 DOWN THE HOMES? >> I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY SLEEP IN THE STREET. 259 00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:26,846 I'M SORRY. SO YOU'RE SAYING HE NEVER DOES THIS? 260 00:27:26,846 --> 00:27:35,055 >> I MEAN, WITH US HE DOES, BUT -- ANYWAY, GUYS, WITH THE RIOJA, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO 261 00:27:35,055 --> 00:27:42,629 TAKE A BITE OF THE MANCEGO. >> LOOK, TIGER'S CUDDLED UP WITH RANDALL NOW. 262 00:27:42,629 --> 00:27:46,633 >> YEAH. LITTLE GUY CRAWLED OVER AND CURLED UP ON MY LAP. 263 00:27:46,633 --> 00:27:49,636 >> THIS IS CRAP. >> WELL, YOU MUST HAVE GOOD ENERGY TOO, RANDALL. 264 00:27:49,636 --> 00:27:55,642 >> OH, MUST HE? MUST HE HAVE GOOD ENERGY? OR IS IT JUST YOUR CAT IS ONE 265 00:27:55,642 --> 00:27:59,813 BIG DAMN SLUT? >> HEY, NOW, CHRIS, THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL MY CAT THAT. 266 00:27:59,813 --> 00:28:05,819 >> HEY, I JUST CALLS THEM LIKE I SEES THEM. YOUR CAT'S A SLUT, BUSSING IT 267 00:28:05,819 --> 00:28:10,423 OPEN FOR EVERY LAP AT THIS LAME-ASS WINE AND CHEESE NIGHT. >> YOU TAKE THAT BACK! 268 00:28:10,423 --> 00:28:14,260 >> WHATEVER. THIS PARTY SUCKS. ZERO SINGLE CHICKS. 269 00:28:14,260 --> 00:28:17,731 DUDES ARE ALL MID. BY THE WAY, YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE A FART. 270 00:28:17,731 --> 00:28:23,436 >> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN PARTING ALL NIGHT, CHRIS. >> I'M EATING CHEESE AND WINE, 271 00:28:23,436 --> 00:28:28,041 I'M NOT ALLOWED TO RIP A LITTLE ASS? YOU WANT ME TO DIE? 272 00:28:28,041 --> 00:28:33,646 >> NONE OF US HAVE BEEN RIPPING ASS ALL NIGHT, CHRIS. >> BS. 273 00:28:33,646 --> 00:28:38,385 YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BLOWING CHEESE SMOKE INTO THAT CUSHION ALL 274 00:28:38,385 --> 00:28:40,954 NIGHT? >> MAYBE ONCE, BUT THAT'S IT. >> SO YOU HAVE? 275 00:28:40,954 --> 00:28:48,061 SO YOU KNOWINGLY HAVE? SO YOU KNOWINGLY HAVE AND YET ACTED LIKE I WAS THE ONLY ONE 276 00:28:48,061 --> 00:28:53,633 RIPPING IT UP. F THIS! >> YOU'RE SCARING MY LADY! 277 00:28:53,633 --> 00:28:57,070 OKAY? NOW, I'M SORRY THAT TIGER IS WITH RANDALL, BUT YOU'RE ACTING 278 00:28:57,070 --> 00:29:04,344 LIKE A CHILD! >> OW! >> RICK, LOOK, TIGER'S BACK WITH 279 00:29:04,344 --> 00:29:06,713 CHRIS. >> YEAH. LITTLE GUY JUST CRAWLED UP AND 280 00:29:06,713 --> 00:29:15,021 CURLED UP IN MY LAP. >> HE GRABBED HIM OFF MY LAP, AND TIGER BIT HIS ARM. 281 00:29:15,021 --> 00:29:18,058 >> LIAR. >> CHRIS, YOU'RE BLEEDING A LOT. YOU SHOULD GO TO A HOSPITAL. 282 00:29:18,058 --> 00:29:21,361 >> NEVER. I'LL DIE HERE. I'LL DIE HERE HAPPY, AND IF YOU 283 00:29:21,361 --> 00:29:26,599 GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, THEN I'LL JUST TAKE YOU OUT WITH ME. >> GO AHEAD. 284 00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:30,403 I'LL JUST TAKE YOU OUT WITH ME. >> GO AHEAD. MAKE MY DAY! 285 00:29:44,918 --> 00:29:48,722 OUTDONE YOURSELF THIS TIME. >> YES, THIS IS TRULY QUITE THE AFFAIR. 286 00:29:48,722 --> 00:29:53,460 >> GENTLEMEN, YOU FLATTER ME. >> THE ARCH DUCHESS WILL BE HERE SHORTLY. 287 00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:59,199 MAY I REMIND YOU THAT A MARRIAGE WOULD NOT ONLY INCREASE YOUR RANK BUT STABILIZE THE FAMILY 288 00:29:59,199 --> 00:30:04,170 FOR YEARS TO COME. >> YES, BUT I HEAR SHE'S A DIFFICULT WOMAN TO IMPRESS. 289 00:30:04,170 --> 00:30:10,310 >> INDEED, SHE'S SEEN MANY OF THE WORLD'S GREAT SPLENDORS, BUT SHE HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE 290 00:30:10,310 --> 00:30:21,254 THIS. >> WHAT IS IT, KINSKY? >> I CALL IT THE SHRIMP TOWER. 291 00:30:21,254 --> 00:30:28,795 I JUST THOUGHT OF IT LAST NIGHT. >> I DO FEEL I'VE SEEN SHRIMP AT A PARTY BEFORE. 292 00:30:28,795 --> 00:30:34,234 AND IT'S ALL SHRIMP? >> INDEED, FROM TOP TO BOTTOM, NOTHING BUT SHRIMP. 293 00:30:34,234 --> 00:30:40,974 SHRIMP, SHRIMP, SHRIMP, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, THE SINKING MAN'S MOZZARELLA SHRIMP. 294 00:30:40,974 --> 00:30:47,947 >> I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE IT DOES SEMIPRECARIOUSLY PLACED. >> THAT'S PART OF ITS CHARM. 295 00:30:47,947 --> 00:30:52,552 IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO MY SHRIMP TOWER, I WOULD OBVIOUSLY KILL MYSELF. 296 00:30:52,552 --> 00:31:01,061 >> WAIT. SHE'S HERE. >> THE ARCH DUCHESS, 297 00:31:01,061 --> 00:31:07,067 KLAUSTENBERG. >> MY GOD, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. >> COUNT KINSKY, THANK YOU FOR 298 00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:15,241 INVITING ME TO YOUR PALACE. I MUST SAY, IT FEELS LIKE HOME, AND PERHAPS ONE DAY, IT WILL BE. 299 00:31:15,241 --> 00:31:21,881 >> I THINK THE SHRIMP TOWER IS WORKING. >> I MEAN, I SUPPOSE SO. 300 00:31:21,881 --> 00:31:43,837 ** ** >> OH, LOOK, HE'S GOING TO DANCE 301 00:31:43,837 --> 00:31:51,911 WITH HER. >> KINSKY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? 302 00:31:51,911 --> 00:31:55,715 >> WHAT? I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER. 303 00:31:55,715 --> 00:31:59,486 >> GOOD GOD, MAN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? >> SO I'M INSANE. 304 00:31:59,486 --> 00:32:03,790 I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER. 305 00:32:03,790 --> 00:32:08,328 SHOW OF HANDS, WHO ELSE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER? 306 00:32:08,328 --> 00:32:12,232 ONE PERSON, THANK YOU. >> BUT KINSKY, YOU KILLED THE POOR GIRL. 307 00:32:12,232 --> 00:32:18,371 >> OH, GOD. PERHAPS I OVERREACTED IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT. 308 00:32:18,371 --> 00:32:23,076 WHAT HAVE I DONE? >> I'M OKAY. I WASN'T EVEN TRYING TO KNOCK 309 00:32:23,076 --> 00:32:30,984 OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER. >> KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER? >> KINSKY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN. 310 00:32:30,984 --> 00:32:37,657 >> LOOK, WE ALL AGREE THAT THE NIGHT HAD TO BE SPECIAL, AND THE THING THAT MADE THE NIGHT 311 00:32:37,657 --> 00:32:43,430 SPECIAL WAS THE SHRIMP TOWER. WE MUST PROTECT THE SHRIMP TOWER AT ALL COSTS. 312 00:32:43,430 --> 00:32:47,801 YOU ARE PROFESSOR OF LOGIC, DO YOU DETECT ANY ERROR IN MY THINKING? 313 00:32:47,801 --> 00:32:53,606 >> THE MAN'S LOGIC IS SOUND. >> WELL, IF HE SAYS HE'S RIGHT. >> THAT IS ALL I'M SAYING. 314 00:32:53,606 --> 00:32:57,677 NOW, COULD I HAVE PERHAPS HANDLED IT BETTER? SURE. 315 00:32:57,677 --> 00:33:02,048 BUT I'M HUMAN. WHICH IS UNFORTUNATE BECAUSE I WISH I WERE A SHRIMP. 316 00:33:02,048 --> 00:33:07,053 >> GOOD HEAVENS, MAN, YOU'VE GOT SHRIMP ON THE BRAIN! >> KINSKY, I HAVE SOMETHING I 317 00:33:07,053 --> 00:33:15,929 WANT TO SAY! I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOU PASSIONATELY PROTECT THE THINGS 318 00:33:15,929 --> 00:33:22,402 YOU LOVE, AND IF YOU CAN LOVE ME AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THAT SHRIMP TOWER, WELL, THEN I WOULD BE THE 319 00:33:22,402 --> 00:33:30,377 LUCKIEST GIRL IN EUROPE. >> WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE KINSKY HAS FOUND A BRIDE. 320 00:33:30,377 --> 00:33:40,887 AND NOW LET US CELEBRATE BY EATING THE SHRIMP. >> YOU EAT IT BY THE TAIL? 321 00:33:40,887 --> 00:33:50,363 >> HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT IT? BY THE HEAD? >> KINSKY, ARE YOU OKAY? 322 00:33:50,363 --> 00:33:55,935 >> YEAH. YOU KNOW, IN A WAY, I'M RELIEVED. 323 00:33:55,935 --> 00:33:59,205 ACTUALLY KIND OF LIBERATING, YOU KNOW? >> THAT'S GOOD. 324 00:33:59,205 --> 00:34:02,442 >> YEAH. MM HMM. >> WELL, I MUST SAY THE NIGHT 325 00:34:02,442 --> 00:34:07,213 WAS A COMPLETE SUCCESS. >> INDEED. TO KINSKY, THE HAPPIEST MAN IN 326 00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:13,520 THE WORLD. >> TO KINSKY! [ APPLAUSE ] 327 00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:27,734 >>> WELCOME BACK TO SHONDA. OUR TOPIC TODAY IS HE CHEAT OR NAH? 328 00:34:27,734 --> 00:34:33,139 PLEASE WELCOME JASMINE WHO SAYS SHE'S FED UP WITH HER HUSBAND JERRY AND SUSPECTS HE MAY BE 329 00:34:33,139 --> 00:34:37,110 STEPPING OUT. SO TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON, JASMINE. 330 00:34:37,110 --> 00:34:41,114 >> HEY, SHONDA. I'M JUST FED UP, GIRL. I DO EVERYTHING FOR THIS MAN. 331 00:34:41,114 --> 00:34:47,787 I COOK FOR HIM, I CLEAN, I TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. I EVEN WASH HIS FUNKY DIRTY 332 00:34:47,787 --> 00:34:55,962 DRAWERS. >> GIRL, HE SOUNDS LIKE A D-O-G, GOING DOG, DUMP HIS ASS. 333 00:34:55,962 --> 00:34:59,733 >> SO YOU'RE SAYING HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOU, JASMINE? >> NOT AT ALL. 334 00:34:59,733 --> 00:35:07,874 ALL HE DOES IS SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV LIKE A DANG ZOMBIE. >> I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOU ARE 335 00:35:07,874 --> 00:35:14,047 BEAUTIFUL. AND IF YOU WAS MY LADY, WE WOULDN'T NEED NO TV. 336 00:35:14,047 --> 00:35:19,219 >> THANK YOU. THERE ARE STILL GENTLEMEN. >> ALL RIGHT. 337 00:35:19,219 --> 00:35:23,957 SO JASMINE, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS BUM? >> BECAUSE HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE 338 00:35:23,957 --> 00:35:31,164 THIS, SHONDA. HE USED TO TAKE MY DANCING, HIKING, AND WE HAD SEX ALL THE 339 00:35:31,164 --> 00:35:33,233 TIME. >> OKAY, OKAY. WHAT ABOUT NOW? 340 00:35:33,233 --> 00:35:37,637 >> NOW HE'S ALWAYS TIRED, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING, SO HE MUST BE GETTING IT FROM SOMEBODY 341 00:35:37,637 --> 00:35:42,342 ELSE. >> AND WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY, MA'AM? 342 00:35:42,342 --> 00:35:50,283 >> HONEY, THERE IS NO EXCUSE. THAT MAN IS NO GOOD, AND YOU NEED TO DUMP HIS ASS QUICK. 343 00:35:50,283 --> 00:35:54,921 >> WELL, GIRL, YOU KNOW OUR AUDIENCE IS ALWAYS GOING TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS. 344 00:35:54,921 --> 00:35:58,258 SO WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO FIND OUT TODAY? >> SHONDA, I DO EVERYTHING FOR 345 00:35:58,258 --> 00:36:04,531 THIS MAN, AND HE GIVES ME NOTHING, SO I JUST WANT TO KNOW IS HE CHEATING OR NAH. 346 00:36:04,531 --> 00:36:08,168 >> WELL, LET'S BRING THAT DIRTY CHEATER OUT. >> ALL RIGHT. 347 00:36:08,168 --> 00:36:22,248 LET'S GO AHEAD AND BRING OUT JERRY. >> BOO! 348 00:36:22,248 --> 00:36:28,355 >> BOO. >> NOPE. I AIN'T FOOLING WITH THIS. 349 00:36:28,355 --> 00:36:34,060 >> OKAY. SO, JERRY, JASMINE SAYS YOU TWO ARE NOT INTIMATE ANYMORE. 350 00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:39,366 >> SHE BROKE MY DAMN NECK. >> RIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S REALLY 351 00:36:39,366 --> 00:36:41,368 COOL, YEAH. >> NO. NO. 352 00:36:41,368 --> 00:36:46,106 IT'S NOT COOL. I STILL HAVE NEEDS. MAYBE YOU CAN'T HUMP, BUT YOU 353 00:36:46,106 --> 00:36:52,078 CAN STILL GO DOWNTOWN LIKE YOU USED TO. >> THAT'S HOW I BROKE MY DAMN 354 00:36:52,078 --> 00:36:56,583 NECK, YOU SLAMMED DOWN ON ME. >> BECAUSE I LIKED IT. TAKE THE COMPLIMENT. 355 00:36:56,583 --> 00:37:01,454 >> OH, WOW. DO YOU WANT TO ADD SOMETHING, MA'AM? 356 00:37:01,454 --> 00:37:05,258 >> NO, I DO NOT. >> OKAY. WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW, FOLKS. 357 00:37:05,258 --> 00:37:09,162 >> NO. I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS. IF YOU'RE NOT CHEATING ON ME, 358 00:37:09,162 --> 00:37:14,034 WHO ARE YOU LOSING ALL THAT WEIGHT FOR? >> YOU STOPPED FEEDING ME. 359 00:37:14,034 --> 00:37:18,905 >> YEAH. THIS IS MESSED UP. I'M GOING TO GO PRAY IN SPANISH. 360 00:37:18,905 --> 00:37:22,776 >> OKAY. THEN WHY WERE YOU OUT ALL NIGHT LAST WEEK? 361 00:37:22,776 --> 00:37:30,250 >> CHAIR BATTERY DIED. >> HUH-HUH. GOD GON' GET Y'ALL FOR THIS 362 00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,652 MESS. EXCUSE ME. >> WELL, JASMINE DOESN'T KNOW 363 00:37:32,652 --> 00:37:39,359 THIS, BUT JERRY HAS ASKED THE SHOW FOR A PATERNITY TEST ON THEIR 2-YEAR-OLD SON, JERRY JR. 364 00:37:39,359 --> 00:37:43,063 >> OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU FOR REAL? >> AIN'T MY KID. 365 00:37:43,063 --> 00:37:49,736 >> NOW, WHY DO YOU SUSPECT JERRY JR. MIGHT NOT BE YOURS? >> HE'S BLACK. 366 00:37:49,736 --> 00:37:54,140 >> BECAUSE MY GRANDFATHER'S ITALIAN. >> ALSO, I AIN'T GOT IT UP IN 367 00:37:54,140 --> 00:37:57,243 FIVE YEARS. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HARD TO MAKE A BABY, RIGHT, Y'ALL? 368 00:37:57,243 --> 00:38:03,650 >> YOU GO GIRL. >> REALLY? >> I DON'T KNOW. 369 00:38:03,650 --> 00:38:08,321 I TRIED. >> SHOOT. WELL, WE HAVE THE TEST RESULTS 370 00:38:08,321 --> 00:38:13,793 IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THEM. >> I DO. >> YES, PLEASE, READ THEM. 371 00:38:13,793 --> 00:38:18,298 >> OKAY. WHEN IT COMES TO 2-YEAR-OLD JERRY JR., JERRY, YOU ARE NOT 372 00:38:18,298 --> 00:38:23,436 THE FATHER. >> OH, MY GOD! WHAT? 373 00:38:23,436 --> 00:38:25,872 >> I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I'M FREE. 374 00:38:25,872 --> 00:38:31,644 I'M FREE. >> YOU KNOW, LET'S TAKE A BREAK, AND WHEN WE COME BACK -- YOU 375 00:38:31,644 --> 00:38:35,348 AND WHEN WE COME BACK -- YOU KNOW WHAT? WE NOT COMING BACK. 376 00:38:55,568 --> 00:39:00,707 GRANDE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 377 00:39:00,707 --> 00:39:12,819 * I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D UNDERSTAND ME HOW COULD YOU 378 00:39:12,819 --> 00:39:17,357 YOU'D UNDERSTAND ME HOW COULD YOU EVER EVEN TRY * 379 00:39:22,629 --> 00:39:29,069 BUT I DON'T WANNA FEED THIS MONSTROUS FIRE * * JUST WANNA LET 380 00:39:29,069 --> 00:39:37,310 THIS STORY DIE AND I'LL BE ALRIGHT * * WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS 381 00:39:37,310 --> 00:39:43,717 BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST PRETEND * * YOU CLING TO YOUR 382 00:39:43,717 --> 00:39:49,656 PAPERS AND PENS WAIT UNTIL YOU LIKE ME AGAIN * 383 00:39:49,656 --> 00:39:59,833 * WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * 384 00:39:59,833 --> 00:40:10,076 * ME AND MY TRUTH WE SIT IN SILENCE MMM, BABY GIRL 385 00:40:10,076 --> 00:40:20,320 IT'S JUST ME AND YOU * * 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA ARGUE BUT I DON'T WANNA BITE 386 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:27,293 MY TONGUE, YEAH I THINK I'D RATHER DIE * * YOU GOT ME MISUNDERSTOOD 387 00:40:27,293 --> 00:40:34,801 BUT AT LEAST I LOOK THIS GOOD * * WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS 388 00:40:34,801 --> 00:40:41,775 BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST PRETEND * * YOU CLING TO YOUR 389 00:40:41,775 --> 00:40:47,147 PAPERS AND PENS WAIT UNTIL YOU LIKE ME AGAIN * 390 00:40:47,147 --> 00:40:55,822 * WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * 391 00:40:55,822 --> 00:41:04,431 * I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * 392 00:41:04,431 --> 00:41:10,337 * KNOW THAT YOU MADE ME I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU PAINT ME 393 00:41:10,337 --> 00:41:16,776 YET I'M STILL HERE HANGING * * NOT WHAT YOU MADE ME IT'S SOMETHING 394 00:41:16,776 --> 00:41:24,317 LIKE A DAYDREAM * * BUT I FEEL SO SEEN IN THE NIGHT 395 00:41:24,317 --> 00:41:31,291 SO FOR NOW, IT'S ONLY ME * * AND MAYBE THAT'S ALL I NEED * 396 00:41:31,291 --> 00:41:36,663 * WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST PRETEND * 397 00:41:36,663 --> 00:41:43,136 * YOU CLING TO YOUR PAPERS AND PENS WAIT UNTIL YOU 398 00:41:43,136 --> 00:41:49,509 LIKE ME AGAIN * * WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE 399 00:41:49,509 --> 00:41:57,550 I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * * I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE 400 00:41:57,550 --> 00:42:28,615 I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * WAIT FOR YOU, WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE, WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE, I KNOW 401 00:42:28,615 --> 00:42:36,523 LOVE, WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE, I KNOW I * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 402 00:42:44,931 --> 00:42:55,241 UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 403 00:42:55,241 --> 00:42:58,978 >>> GOOD EVENING. THANK YOU, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." 404 00:42:58,978 --> 00:43:01,114 >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. 405 00:43:04,184 --> 00:43:11,558 FINALLY WOKE THE HELL UP. PRESIDENT BIDEN DELIVERED THE STATE OF THE UNION, AND HE 406 00:43:11,558 --> 00:43:20,200 HONESTLY CRUSHED IT, EVEN TRUMP'S HOUSE ELF LINDSEY GRAHAM WAS LAUGHING AND ENJOYING IT. 407 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:25,705 NORMALLY HE'S ONLY THAT HAPPY WHEN WATCHING RUE PAUL'S DRAG RACE. 408 00:43:25,705 --> 00:43:32,479 YOU COULD TELL THE BAR WAS LOW. THE NEW YORK POST'S HEADLINE WAS JUST, HE'S ALIVE. 409 00:43:32,479 --> 00:43:35,548 THAT'S IT. THAT'S LIKE A HEADLINE YOU SEE ABOUT BIG FOOT. 410 00:43:35,548 --> 00:43:40,353 BIDEN ALSO GOT A BIG RESPONSE WHILE ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF ABORTION WHEN HE SAID WE'RE 411 00:43:40,353 --> 00:43:44,557 ABOUT TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH POLITICAL POWER WOMEN HAVE, THEN HE TURNED TO KAMALA AND SAID, 412 00:43:44,557 --> 00:43:56,503 EXCEPT YOU. FORMER PRESIDENT AND CURRENT REVERSE MORTGAGE APPLICANT 413 00:43:56,503 --> 00:44:04,210 DONALD TRUMP CRITICIZED BIDEN'S SPEECH SAYING THE WORDS ARE NOT FLOWING SMOOTHLY OUT OF HIS 414 00:44:04,210 --> 00:44:08,882 MOUTH. WELL, WE CAN'T ALL SPEAK WITH THE SAME EFFORTLESS GRACE AS 415 00:44:08,882 --> 00:44:16,489 DONALD J. TRUMP. >> JUST RECENTLY HEARD THAT SAUDI ARABIA AND RUSSIA WILL -- 416 00:44:16,489 --> 00:44:24,431 UH -- >> IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE JUST INSERTED A COLONOSCOPY CAMERA. 417 00:44:24,431 --> 00:44:32,339 >> SOME DEMOCRATS CRITERIA VISED PRESIDENT BIDEN BY TALKING ABOUT MIGRANTS BY USING THE WORD 418 00:44:32,339 --> 00:44:37,077 ILLEGALS. COME ON, HE'S 81 YEARS OLD. HE MEANS WELL. 419 00:44:37,077 --> 00:44:43,483 LIKE WHEN MY MOM PUT UP THAT SIGN TO STOP ORIENTAL HATE. COLIN, YOU GO. 420 00:44:43,483 --> 00:44:52,492 >> BIDEN ALSO TOOK TIME TO SAY SHRINKFLATION IS AFFECTING SNICKERS BARS AND PEOPLE PAY THE 421 00:44:52,492 --> 00:44:59,599 SAME AMOUNT FOR 10% FEWER SNICKERS. IT'S PRETTY RISKY FOR A WHITE 422 00:44:59,599 --> 00:45:04,037 GUY WITH A STUTTER TO KEEP SAYING THE WORD SNICKERS. THE REPUBLICAN RESPONSE WAS 423 00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:08,575 DELIVERED BY ALABAMA SENATOR KATIE BRITT, WHO MADE SOME CHOICES. 424 00:45:08,575 --> 00:45:18,885 >> AS A MOM, I CAN'T QUIT THINKING ABOUT THIS. MR. PRESIDENT, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 425 00:45:18,885 --> 00:45:27,060 WE SEE YOU. WE HEAR YOU. AND WE STAND WITH YOU. 426 00:45:27,060 --> 00:45:37,070 >> THANKS. THOSE ARE ALL SCENES FROM HER ONE-WOMAN SHOW, A BRITT MUCH. 427 00:45:37,070 --> 00:45:42,142 IT'S THE PLAY CRITICS ARE CALLING, IS SHE OKAY? THAT WAS HONESTLY SOME OF THE 428 00:45:42,142 --> 00:45:49,949 WORST ACTING I'VE EVER SEEN, AND I'VE SEEN ME. >> MITCH McCONNELL OFFICIALLY 429 00:45:49,949 --> 00:45:53,453 ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT BECAUSE DESPITE THEIR DIFFERENCES, THEY ACTUALLY GO 430 00:45:53,453 --> 00:45:59,125 WAY BACK. DONALD TRUMP ENDORSED MARK ROBINSON FOR NORTH CAROLINA 431 00:45:59,125 --> 00:46:05,465 GOVERNOR CALLING ROBINSON MARTIN LUTHER KING ON STEROIDS. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MARTIN 432 00:46:05,465 --> 00:46:11,705 LUTHER KING ON OZEMPIC. ALL RIGHT. YOU GO AGAIN, COLIN. 433 00:46:11,705 --> 00:46:15,375 I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T HAVE IT TODAY. >> I'M GLAD YOU TOLD IT. 434 00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:21,448 MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN, SEEN HERE DRESSED FOR HER SHIFT AT TGI CRAZIES WAS QUESTIONED BY A 435 00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:28,054 REPORTER ABOUT HER JEWISH SPACE LASERS CONSPIRACY THEORY, AND GREEN RESPONDED LIKE THIS. 436 00:46:28,054 --> 00:46:33,793 >> WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK ABOUT JEWISH SPACE LASERS, AND REALLY WHY DON'T YOU [ BLEEP ] OFF? 437 00:46:33,793 --> 00:46:39,265 >> WOW. EVEN MORE SHOCKING, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS A LITTLE LATER IN THE 438 00:46:39,265 --> 00:46:40,967 VIDEO. >> REALLY, WHY DON'T YOU [ BLEEP ] OFF. 439 00:46:40,967 --> 00:46:54,247 HOW ABOUT THAT? >> ARIZONA SENATOR KIRSTEN CINEMA, WHO LOOKS LIKE ALL THE 440 00:46:54,247 --> 00:46:58,985 FLINTSTONES AT ONCE, ANNOUNCED THAT SHE IS RETIRING FROM THE SENATE. 441 00:46:58,985 --> 00:47:11,031 BUT I DOUBT ANY OF US WILL EVER FORGET THE NAME OF SENATOR CRYSTAL SALMONELLA ALL RIGHT. 442 00:47:11,031 --> 00:47:16,603 >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT NBC STUDIOS AND 30 ROCK HAVE BEEN INFESTED WITH BED BUGS. 443 00:47:16,603 --> 00:47:22,776 EVERYBODY LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS. >> NETFLIX ANNOUNCED IN JULY IT WILL LIVE STREAM A FIGHT BETWEEN 444 00:47:22,776 --> 00:47:27,180 MIKE TYSON AND JAKE PAUL. BUT THE REAL FIGHT WILL BE MIKE TYSON TRYING TO ANNOUNCE 445 00:47:27,180 --> 00:47:38,792 NETFLIX. NETFLIX. >> IT'S HARD TO DO, SEE? 446 00:47:38,792 --> 00:47:45,665 JET BLUE AND SPIRIT AIRLINES ANNOUNCED THEY ARE CANCELING THEIR PLANNED MERGER AFTER A 447 00:47:45,665 --> 00:47:50,937 FEDERAL JUDGE TOLD JET BLUE, GIRL, DON'T. >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT 448 00:47:50,937 --> 00:47:55,275 92-YEAR-OLD RUPERT MURDOCH IS SET TO MARRY HIS 67-YEAR-OLD GIRLFRIEND. 449 00:47:55,275 --> 00:48:07,520 THE COUPLE ASKED IN LIEU OF WEDDING GIFTS, SEND LUBE. >> OH, GOOD, ANOTHER ONE. 450 00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:13,693 >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT 92-YEAR-OLD RUPERT MURDOCH IS SET TO MARRY HIS 67-YEAR-OLD 451 00:48:13,693 --> 00:48:18,665 GIRLFRIEND. THE COUPLE IS REGISTERED AT CAMPBELL'S FUNERAL HOME. 452 00:48:18,665 --> 00:48:24,437 OH, BOY, THIS IS A ROUGH DAY FOR ME, MAN. >> FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, TWO 453 00:48:24,437 --> 00:48:29,309 MALE HUMPBACK WHALES WERE PHOTOGRAPHED HAVING SEX. LEARN MORE ABOUT IT IN THE 454 00:48:29,309 --> 00:48:35,715 HEARTBREAKING DRAMA HUMPBACK MOUNTAIN. >> A SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER WAS 455 00:48:35,715 --> 00:48:42,922 ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY THROWING A TAMPON AT BOUNCERS WHO WERE REMOVING HER FROM A CLUB. 456 00:48:42,922 --> 00:48:50,597 WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW WHY SHE WAS ACTING THAT WAY. SHOULD I JUST GO HOME? 457 00:48:50,597 --> 00:48:57,203 I'M GOING TO GO HOME. >> A PENNSYLVANIA MAN HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO TWO YEARS PROBATION 458 00:48:57,203 --> 00:49:03,476 FOR SELLING BODY PARTS FOR THE MORTUARIES, BUT STILL NO PUNISHMENT FOR THE BUYER, 459 00:49:03,476 --> 00:49:12,385 ARBY'S. >> ARBY'S, WE HAVE YOUR GRANDPA. >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" 460 00:49:12,385 --> 00:49:14,120 SPONSORED BY ARBY'S, I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE. 461 00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:15,689 JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOOD NIGHT. 462 00:49:31,037 --> 00:49:33,640 >>> YOU'RE WATCHING PBS, LIBRARIAN-LOOKING ASS. 463 00:49:33,640 --> 00:49:41,381 >> WELCOME BACK TO MOVIE MUSICAL MASTERPIECES. I'M YOUR HOST, KEN BURNT. 464 00:49:41,381 --> 00:49:47,354 WELL, IT'S OSCAR WEEKEND, AND TONIGHT WE'RE LOOKING BACK AT ONE OF THE FEW MOVIE MUSICALS 465 00:49:47,354 --> 00:49:54,894 EVER NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE. IT'S THE 2001 BAZ LUHRMANN FILM, MOULIN ROUGE. 466 00:49:54,894 --> 00:50:00,767 THE FILM'S CROWN JEWEL IS THE ELEPHANT LOVE MEDIALLY, WHICH STRUNG TOGETHER TEN POPULAR LOVE 467 00:50:00,767 --> 00:50:06,272 SONGS LIKE ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. BUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THAT 468 00:50:06,272 --> 00:50:13,079 THE ORIGINAL MEDIALLY WAS MUCH, MUCH LONGER SINCE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SONGS THEY COULD GET 469 00:50:13,079 --> 00:50:20,387 THE RIGHTS TO, JUST TO BE SAFE, THEY TRIED MANY MORE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN. 470 00:50:20,387 --> 00:50:26,226 TAKE A LOOK. >> SATIN, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. >> DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. 471 00:50:26,226 --> 00:50:29,329 YOU KNOW I CANNOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. >> WHY? 472 00:50:29,329 --> 00:50:33,533 BECAUSE YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE? >> NO. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE SICK? 473 00:50:33,533 --> 00:50:36,469 >> NO. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY AUSTRALIAN. 474 00:50:36,469 --> 00:50:41,374 >> NO. >> LOVE IS A SPLENDID THING. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. 475 00:50:41,374 --> 00:50:48,248 * SOME PEOPLE WANT TO FILL THE WORLD WITH SILLY LOVE SONGS * * WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, 476 00:50:48,248 --> 00:50:55,288 I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW BECAUSE HERE I GO AGAIN * * LOVE LIFT US UP WHERE WE 477 00:50:55,288 --> 00:51:05,532 BELONG, YOU BELONG WITH ME, YOU BELONG WITH ME, A NAME, I CALL MYSELF, FA, A LONG, LONG, WAY TO 478 00:51:05,532 --> 00:51:16,209 RUN, SO I CREEP, YEAH, JUST KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW, 'CUZ NOBODY ELSE SUPPOSED TO KNOW * 479 00:51:16,209 --> 00:51:23,983 IT ON THE DOWN LOW, 'CUZ NOBODY ELSE SUPPOSED TO KNOW * * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * 480 00:51:29,255 --> 00:51:38,398 THEY FELL BACK ON THAT A LOT. LET'S SEE SOME MORE. * IN THE NAME OF LOVE, ONE NIGHT 481 00:51:38,398 --> 00:51:48,208 IN THE NAME OF LOVE, WAITING FOR TONIGHT, WHOA, WHEN YOU WILL BE HERE IN MY ARMS * 482 00:51:48,208 --> 00:52:03,056 * WAITING FOR TONIGHT, OH, I'VE DREAMED OF THIS LOVE FOR SO LONG, IT'S BEEN ONE -- DERWALL. 483 00:52:03,056 --> 00:52:06,626 >> OH, NO! YOU JUST COUGHED BLOOD INTO A NAPKIN. 484 00:52:06,626 --> 00:52:17,404 THAT'S MOVIE FOR DYING. * JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL -- ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, SHE'LL 485 00:52:17,404 --> 00:52:25,945 BE -- COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAIL AWAY, SAIL AWAY WITH ME * * THE ONLY MAN WHO COULD EVER 486 00:52:25,945 --> 00:52:30,950 REACH ME WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN, THE ONLY MAN WHO COULD EVER TEACH ME WAS THE SON 487 00:52:30,950 --> 00:52:47,734 OF A PREACHER MAN * * I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, BOW, BOW, BOW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * 488 00:52:47,734 --> 00:52:54,874 >> BAZ LUHRMANN ALSO TRIED TO TIE THE SONG LADY MARMALADE INTO THE DIALOGUE. 489 00:52:54,874 --> 00:53:00,080 TAKE A LOOK. >> SATIN, WE NEED YOU ON STAGE. IT'S SHOW TIME! 490 00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:07,187 AND AS WE SAY AT THE MOULIN ROUGE, HAY SISTER, SOUL SISTER, BETTER GET THAT DOUGH, SISTER. 491 00:53:07,187 --> 00:53:11,124 >> DO WE SAY THAT? I'M NOT SURE I'VE EVER HEARD THAT. 492 00:53:11,124 --> 00:53:14,127 >> DID I TELL YOU, I FINALLY LEARNED FRENCH. >> TELL US A LITTLE. 493 00:53:14,127 --> 00:53:21,968 >> IT GOES KITCHY KITCHY YA-YA DA DA. KITCHY KITCHY YA-YA HERE. 494 00:53:21,968 --> 00:53:42,255 IT MEANS MOCHA CHOCO LA LA. >> OH, SATIN, YOU'RE FAINTING. >> I'M DYING. 495 00:53:42,255 --> 00:53:46,393 >> OH, BUT CAN YOU SING A LITTLE BIT MORE? >> JUST A LITTLE. 496 00:53:46,393 --> 00:54:04,244 >> ME TOO. * 'CUZ I III WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, IIII CAN'T HELP LOVING -- 497 00:54:04,244 --> 00:54:23,063 HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS NOW YOU'RE IN -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO -- OH, OH, OH, 498 00:54:35,542 --> 00:54:39,713 >>> OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS THE LONGEST MEETING IN HISTORY. 499 00:54:39,713 --> 00:54:44,484 >> FOUR HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK. RIDICULOUS. >> I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I'M 500 00:54:44,484 --> 00:54:48,988 HATING THIS JOB TODAY. >> I KNOW. CAN WE ALL JUST GO HOME? 501 00:54:48,988 --> 00:54:57,297 >> UH-OH, SOUNDS LIKE SOME DUDES HAVE THE MID-DAY BLUES. WHO WANTS A SUB FROM TOMMY 502 00:54:57,297 --> 00:55:04,204 FLING, THE SANDWICH KING? YUM, YUM, COME AND GET IT. >> OH, THANKS, TOMMY, BUT WE'RE 503 00:55:04,204 --> 00:55:08,475 ACTUALLY ALL SET TODAY. >> OH, ALL SET? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 504 00:55:08,475 --> 00:55:13,680 HOW ABOUT THE GIRLS? I MADE THEM EXTRA MEATY FOR YOU. >> THANK YOU? 505 00:55:13,680 --> 00:55:18,918 >> ACTUALLY, TOMMY, WE ALREADY ORDERED PIZZA. >> HOW? 506 00:55:18,918 --> 00:55:24,958 BY GOING ON THE DOMINO'S PIZZA APP AND ORDERING PIZZA. >> OKAY. 507 00:55:24,958 --> 00:55:31,598 WHAT'S THIS BITCH TALKING ABOUT? >> TOMMY, DON'T CALL HIM THAT. YOUR SUBS ARE GREAT. 508 00:55:31,598 --> 00:55:34,901 WE'VE JUST BEEN BRANCHING OUT, YOU KNOW? >> YEAH, WE USED TO EAT YOUR 509 00:55:34,901 --> 00:55:39,272 SUBS EVERY DAY, BUT NOW WE'RE TRYING SOMETHING ELSE. >> OKAY. 510 00:55:39,272 --> 00:55:43,543 YEAH. I GOT IT. GUESS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE. 511 00:55:43,543 --> 00:56:00,627 * I USED TO FLY, NOW I JUST FALL DOWN, I WHAT I WAS MADE FOR * >> TOMMY, YOU OKAY? 512 00:56:00,627 --> 00:56:04,030 >> YEAH. YOU KIND OF JUST STOOD THERE IN SILENCE FOR A WHILE. 513 00:56:04,030 --> 00:56:07,167 >> YEAH. YOU LOOKED PRETTY SAD. >> SAD? 514 00:56:07,167 --> 00:56:11,738 I'M NOT SAD. YOU'RE SAD FOR MISSING OUT ON THESE EPIC SUBS. 515 00:56:11,738 --> 00:56:15,542 I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE THEM BACK TO MY BROS IN ACCOUNTING. 516 00:56:15,542 --> 00:56:21,848 >> NO, NO. THEY SAID IN THE MEETING THEY WERE GOING TO ORDER FROM 517 00:56:21,848 --> 00:56:26,953 PAV BAJI. >> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? >> IT'S INDIAN. 518 00:56:26,953 --> 00:56:31,057 A NEW PLACE THEY WANTED TO TRY. >> OH, SOMETHING NEW. I GOT IT. 519 00:56:31,057 --> 00:56:53,079 GUESS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE. ** * JUST SOMETHING YOU GAVE 520 00:56:53,079 --> 00:57:01,855 FOR -- * * WHAT WAS I MADE FOR * >> SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING? 521 00:57:01,855 --> 00:57:05,425 HE'S BEEN SINGING THAT "BARBIE" SONG FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES? >> TOMMY, YOU OKAY? 522 00:57:05,425 --> 00:57:10,697 >> MORE THAN OKAY. YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES WHO SUCK DONG AND THINK YOU'RE BETTER 523 00:57:10,697 --> 00:57:15,035 THAN MY SUBS. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. >> LOOK, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS 524 00:57:15,035 --> 00:57:18,505 FOR 15 YEARS AND YOU WON'T EVEN BUY A SODA? WHAT'S GOING ON? 525 00:57:18,505 --> 00:57:25,078 >> WELL, TOMMY, KIND OF LOOKS LIKE YOU FILLED THE BOTTLES YOURSELVES BECAUSE THEY DON'T 526 00:57:25,078 --> 00:57:32,485 HAVE CAPS, JUSTIN FOIL ON TOP. >> AND THE COLORS DON'T SEEM RIGHT. 527 00:57:32,485 --> 00:57:37,090 COKE ISN'T BRIGHT BLUE. >> BUY A PICKLE AT LEAST. >> WELL, NOT OUT OF A LISTERINE 528 00:57:37,090 --> 00:57:40,126 BOTTLE. >> GOD FORBID I RECYCLE. JUST FORGET IT. 529 00:57:40,126 --> 00:57:45,665 WHAT DO I KNOW? I'M JUST SOME SUB GUY. >> COME ON. 530 00:57:45,665 --> 00:57:48,702 WE DON'T JUST LIKE YOU FOR YOUR FOOD. WE LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AS A 531 00:57:48,702 --> 00:57:51,805 PERSON. >> HOW? >> WELL, LIKE YOU'RE FUNNY. 532 00:57:51,805 --> 00:57:56,476 >> YEAH? I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I KNOW A JOKE. OKAY. 533 00:57:56,476 --> 00:58:00,513 KNOCK, KNOCK. >> WHO'S THERE? >> TWO ITALIAN QUEERS. 534 00:58:00,513 --> 00:58:12,025 >> NO! ** >> TOMMY, YOU GOT GET OUT OF 535 00:58:12,025 --> 00:58:13,426 HERE. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. 536 00:58:13,426 --> 00:58:17,831 >> WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO. >> YOU WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE CUSTOMERS. 537 00:58:17,831 --> 00:58:21,801 THAT'S ALL. LOOK, I TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THESE SUBS. 538 00:58:21,801 --> 00:58:26,339 THEY'RE ON THE HOUSE, OKAY? TAKE THEM. >> TOMMY, THAT'S VERY NICE OF 539 00:58:26,339 --> 00:58:32,312 YOU. YOU EVEN WROTE MY NAME ON IT. TURKEY FOR TRISH. 540 00:58:32,312 --> 00:58:37,350 >> VEJ FOR DEB. >> LIKE I SAID, YOU'RE MY FAVES. >> WELL, THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE 541 00:58:37,350 --> 00:58:40,453 PIZZA. >> LET'S DO IT. >> ALL RIGHT. 542 00:58:40,453 --> 00:58:44,057 OH, MY GOD. >> UGH. >> THEY'RE COVERED IN MOLD. 543 00:58:44,057 --> 00:58:52,565 >> I NEED A NEW FRIDGE. >> THESE SMELL TERRIBLE! >> MINE LOOKS OKAY. 544 00:58:52,565 --> 00:58:58,104 >> MINE LOOKS OKAY. ** >> YOU OWE ME 200 BUCKS. 545 00:59:13,720 --> 00:59:18,658 >>> ONCE AGAIN, ARIANA GRANDE. 546 00:59:18,658 --> 00:59:26,700 * MY BOY COME TAKE MY HAND THROW YOUR GUITAR AND YOUR 547 00:59:26,700 --> 00:59:31,538 CLOTHES IN THE BACK SEAT * * MY LOVE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND 548 00:59:31,538 --> 00:59:40,146 BUT I'LL HOLD YOUR HURT IN THE BOX HERE BESIDE ME * * HOW COULD WE KNOW 549 00:59:40,146 --> 00:59:50,390 WE'D REARRANGE ALL THE COSMOS, MMM WE CRASHED AND WE BURNED * 550 00:59:50,390 --> 00:59:56,296 * NOW I JUST CAN'T GO WHERE YOU DON'T GO AND USUALLY I'M 551 00:59:56,296 --> 01:00:00,533 -- UP * * ANXIOUS TOO MUCH 552 01:00:00,533 --> 01:00:07,574 BUT I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE YOU NEED ME TO * * IMPERFECT FOR YOU 553 01:00:07,574 --> 01:00:11,411 MESSY COMPLETELY DISTRESSED * 554 01:00:11,411 --> 01:00:17,851 * BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT SINCE I MET YOU IMPERFECT FOR YOU * 555 01:00:17,851 --> 01:00:25,325 * LET'S GO TONIGHT 'CAUSE THERE'S JUST A FEW SECONDS LEFT TILL TOMORROW * 556 01:00:25,325 --> 01:00:31,765 * WE HAVE ALL THAT WE NEED LET'S LEAVE OUR BAGGAGE 557 01:00:31,765 --> 01:00:41,508 AND WINE AT THE TABLE * * MMM, HOW COULD WE KNOW THAT THIS WAS A 558 01:00:41,508 --> 01:00:47,414 HAPPY DISASTER, MMM * * I'M GLAD WE CRASHED AND BURNED 559 01:00:47,414 --> 01:00:54,454 I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN YOU TOLD ME * * YOU SAID, USUALLY I'M 560 01:00:54,454 --> 01:00:58,224 -- UP ANXIOUS TOO MUCH * 561 01:00:58,224 --> 01:01:03,596 * BUT I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE YOU NEED ME TO IMPERFECT FOR YOU * 562 01:01:03,596 --> 01:01:08,401 * MESSY COMPLETELY DISTRESSED 563 01:01:08,401 --> 01:01:15,375 BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT * * SINCE I MET YOU MMM, HOW COULD WE KNOW 564 01:01:15,375 --> 01:01:24,818 WE'D MAKE THE BAD STUFF DELIGHTFUL, MMM * * I'M GLAD WE 565 01:01:24,818 --> 01:01:33,426 CRASHED AND BURNED I KNOW WE'LL BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER * 566 01:01:33,426 --> 01:01:36,629 * WHEN WE'RE FEELING -- UP ANXIOUS 567 01:01:36,629 --> 01:01:43,103 TOO MUCH * * BUT I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE YOU NEED ME TO 568 01:01:43,103 --> 01:01:47,407 IMPERFECT FOR YOU MESSY * * COMPLETELY 569 01:01:47,407 --> 01:01:52,245 DISTRESSED BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT SINCE I MET YOU * 570 01:01:52,245 --> 01:02:05,125 * IMPERFECT FOR YOU MMM, MMM, MMM IMPERFECT FOR YOU * 571 01:02:05,125 --> 01:02:15,702 * YOU, YOU, YOU YOU, YOU IMPERFECT FOR YOU ** 572 01:02:15,702 --> 01:02:19,072 YOU, YOU IMPERFECT FOR YOU ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 573 01:02:36,423 --> 01:02:39,092 SEASON. >> I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE MY INTERN. 574 01:02:39,092 --> 01:02:44,931 HOW DID I NOT KNOW YOU WERE A KNICKS FAN. >> ARE YOU FROM NEW YORK. 575 01:02:44,931 --> 01:02:50,904 >> I MOVED HERE IN COLLEGE, SO I ADOPTED THE TEAM, BUT I'M ACTUALLY FROM TEMECULA. 576 01:02:50,904 --> 01:02:55,208 >> TEMECULA, I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. Y'ALL BEEN IN THE BATHROOMS 577 01:02:55,208 --> 01:02:58,144 HERE? THEY GOT THAT GOOD SOAP. >> ALL RIGHT. 578 01:02:58,144 --> 01:03:03,850 AND HERE YOU GO, MISS. >> OH, LISA, DID YOU SNEAK OFF AND PAY FOR THE WHOLE TABLE? 579 01:03:03,850 --> 01:03:09,689 >> OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S SO NICE. >> LISA, I'M YOUR SISTER'S BOSS. 580 01:03:09,689 --> 01:03:14,728 I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT. >> BUT I INSIST. I PAY MY WAY. 581 01:03:14,728 --> 01:03:20,266 I GOT MONEY TOO. I JUST GOT BROKE OFF IN COURT. >> I WOULD PAY MONEY TO WATCH 582 01:03:20,266 --> 01:03:25,105 YOU IN COURT. >> WHAT YOU WANT? YOU TRYING TO GET RODE TO DEATH 583 01:03:25,105 --> 01:03:31,411 OR SOMETHING? >> I'M JUST TRYING TO BE KIND. >> PLEASE IGNORE HER. 584 01:03:31,411 --> 01:03:34,914 SHE'S JUST JOKING AROUND. >> HOLD UP. THIS AIN'T RIGHT. 585 01:03:34,914 --> 01:03:40,687 THEY ADDED GRATUEY. I WROTE IT IN MY TIP, BUT THEY ALREADY ADDED GRATUEY. 586 01:03:40,687 --> 01:03:48,194 >> NORMALLY RESTAURANTS ADD GRATUITY FOR LARGER PARTIES. >> SO A FREE LOADER CORRECTING 587 01:03:48,194 --> 01:03:52,699 ME. THEY ONLY SUPPOSED TO DO THAT FOR PARTIES OF SIX OR MORE. 588 01:03:52,699 --> 01:03:55,935 I AIN'T GETTING TRICKED INTO TIPPING TWICE. I'M GOING TO FIX THIS. 589 01:03:55,935 --> 01:04:03,610 >> GUYS, I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, SO I'VE RECENTLY BEEN TAKING FLUTE LESSONS. 590 01:04:03,610 --> 01:04:08,415 >> ERASABLE PENS FOR THE WIN, AM I RIGHT? >> I STARTED PLAYING IN MY 591 01:04:08,415 --> 01:04:12,786 LIVING ROOM -- >> 18%? I WAS GOING TO GIVE Y'ALL 20. 592 01:04:12,786 --> 01:04:21,294 Y'ALL BLOCKING Y'ALL BLESSINGS. IT'S ALL ABOUT REFILLS THAT'S FREE, YET I SEE TEN PINA COLADAS 593 01:04:21,294 --> 01:04:27,434 ON THE BILL. DAMN! >> WHAT'S WRONG? 594 01:04:27,434 --> 01:04:32,872 >> THIS IS THE CUSTOMER COPY. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ERASE IT. CAN'T YOU JUST SCRATCH IT OUT? 595 01:04:32,872 --> 01:04:41,281 >> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. I'M GOING TO DO THAT. >> LISA, COULD YOU CUT IT OUT? 596 01:04:41,281 --> 01:04:46,553 MARK WAS JUST TALKING. >> I HEARD EVERY WORD. MR. TARZAN TRYING TO LURE ME 597 01:04:46,553 --> 01:04:52,625 OVER TO HIS HOUSE TALKING ABOUT HE GOT A BIG SNAKE. SIR, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. 598 01:04:52,625 --> 01:04:58,898 I JUST ATE 37 HABANERO WINGS. I'M NOT RIDING YOU. >> EXCUSE ME, MISS. 599 01:04:58,898 --> 01:05:03,603 IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS TO LEAVE. YOU HAVE MADE A COMPLETE MESS, 600 01:05:03,603 --> 01:05:09,909 AND OUR HOST SAID SHE SAW SOMEBODY STEALING SOAP FROM THE BATHROOM. 601 01:05:09,909 --> 01:05:14,781 >> I BOUGHT THIS FROM WALL GROOMS. >> ONCE AGAIN, PLEASE LEAVE. 602 01:05:14,781 --> 01:05:20,887 >> WHY WE GOT TO LEAVE? BECAUSE OF OUR DISABILITY? >> YOU DON'T HAVE A DISABILITY. 603 01:05:20,887 --> 01:05:28,895 >> SIR, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW, HE IS NEGRO DIVERGENT. >> GET OUT! 604 01:05:28,895 --> 01:05:33,400 >> DON'T TALK TO MY SISTER LIKE THAT. >> I GOT THIS. 605 01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:37,671 . WHEN I LOOK AT LISA, I SEE A VERY LAYERED WOMAN WHO ISN'T 606 01:05:37,671 --> 01:05:40,640 ALWAYS AWARE OF HER SURROUNDINGS. >> SAY THAT. 607 01:05:40,640 --> 01:06:00,060 >> LISA HAS DETERMINATION, PERSISTENCE, MIGHT EVEN BE A KLEPTO. 608 01:06:00,060 --> 01:06:04,497 WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, LISA ONLY HEARS WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR. 609 01:06:04,497 --> 01:06:09,836 >> SAY THAT. >> AND WE CANNOT LOSE WHAT'S IMPORTANT TONIGHT, LISA FED US 610 01:06:09,836 --> 01:06:14,240 ALL. >> I PAID MY WAY. HOLD UP. 611 01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:16,876 THIS WING AIN'T DONE. THAT'S IT. I'M SUING. 612 01:06:16,876 --> 01:06:19,112 THAT'S IT. I'M SUING. I TOLD THEM TO COOK MY MEAT. 613 01:06:39,532 --> 01:06:47,273 THANK YOU TO LORNE MICHAELS FOR MAKING SNL THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH! 614 01:06:47,273 --> 01:06:51,878 EARTH! I LOVE YOU GUYS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.