>>> YOU'RE WATCHING CNN. >> GOOD EVENING.
I'M ABBY PHILLIP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US,
PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS FINISHED DELIVERING HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
BIDEN NEEDED TO SHOW ENERGY TONIGHT, AND HE DIDN'T DISAPPOINT.
AFTER A BRIEF 45 MINUTES OF SELFFIES ON THE WAY TO THE PODIUM, BIDEN BEGAN HIS SPEECH
WITH A BANG. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. >> ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. I JUST POUNDED A CELSIUS.
LET'S DO THIS. WHOO! WHOO!
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
MR. SPEAKER, TOO SLOW. LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO COVER A LOT. THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF
APPLAUSE. SO KAMALA, I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SKIP LEG DAY, GIRL.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE UP AND DOWN ALL NIGHT. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT! WHOO! WHOO!
LET'S GO! NOW TONIGHT, I'M ALSO GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT MY PREDECESSOR,
MAINLY BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SAY PREDECESSOR, MIKE JOHNSON SHAKES HIS HEAD LIKE HE JUST
ACCIDENTALLY CUT 30 SECONDS OF THE SHOW EUPHORIA. LOOK AT THAT WEIRDO.
I ACTUALLY TRIED TO FIX THE BORDER CRISIS, BUT THE BILL WAS TANKED BY MY PREDECESSOR.
OH, OH, OH, YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? OH, YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? ANYBODY WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO
ME? >> I DO. BOO!
LIAR. >> DAMN IT. WHOA.
MARGERY, YEAH, THANKS FOR DRESSING UP TONIGHT. YOU KNOW, I WOULD STAY HERE AND
TALK TO Y'ALL MORE, BUT I SAW A GLIMPSE OF THE REPUBLICAN SENATOR'S RESPONSE TO MY SPEECH,
AND I THINK SHE'S GOING TO HELP ME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I CAN SAY HERE.
ENJOY. >> ALL IN ALL, A STRONG SPEECH FROM PRESIDENT BIDEN.
BUT LET'S FOLLOW HIS ADVICE AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE REPUBLICAN RESPONSE FROM ALABAMA JUNIOR
SENATOR, KATIE BRITT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> GOOD EVENING, AMERICA.
MY NAME IS KATIE BRITT. AND I HAVE THE HONOR OF SERVING THE GREAT PEOPLE OF ALABAMA.
BUT TONIGHT, I'LL BE AUDITIONING FOR THE PART OF SCARY MOM. AND I'LL BE PERFORMING AN
ORIGINAL MONOLOGUE CALLED THIS COUNTRY IS HELL. YOU SEE, I'M NOT JUST A SENATOR,
I'M A WIFE, A MOTHER, AND THE CRAZIEST BITCH IN THE TARGET PARKING LOT.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN, AND THIS IS WHY I'VE INVITED YOU INTO THIS
STRANGE, EMPTY KITCHEN. BECAUSE REPUBLICANS WANTED ME TO APPEAL TO WOMAN VOTERS, AND
WOMEN LOVE KITCHEN. BUT SERIOUSLY, MY HUSBAND WESLEY AND I JUST WATCHED PRESIDENT
BIDEN'S SPEECH, AND WHAT I SAW WAS THE PERFORMANCE OF A PERMANENT POLITICIAN.
BUT ME, I'M NOT PERFORMING. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST, I'M A MOM. AND LIKE ANY MOM, I'M GOING TO
DO A PIVOT OUT OF NOWHERE INTO A SHOCKINGLY VIOLENT STORY ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING.
AND REST ASSURED, EVERY DETAIL ABOUT IT IS REAL, EXCEPT THE YEAR, WHERE IT TOOK PLACE, AND
WHO WAS PRESIDENT WHEN IT HAPPENED. AND TONIGHT, I AM NOT JUST
RESPONDING TO THE STATE OF THE UNION. I AM ALSO SELLING THESE GORGEOUS
BEJEWELED CROSS QUICK LASSES FOR QVC. THIS AFINTY DIAMOND NECKLACE
GOES WITH ANYTHING, AND YOU CAN WEAR IT FROM DA CHURCH TO DA CLUB.
AND NOW I'M GOING TO GET REALLY SEDUCTIVE FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
AS I WAS SAYING, THE AMERICAN DREAM HAS TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE.
OH, MY. YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND WESLEY AND I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THIS
KITCHEN WORRYING. KITCHENS ARE WHERE FAMILIES HAVE THE HARD CONVERSATIONS.
LIKE THE ONE WE'LL HAVE TOMORROW ABOUT HOW MOMMY FREAKED OUT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.
BUT, Y'ALL, BIDEN'S THE ONE WHO IS DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY. JUST ASK YOURSELF, ARE YOU
BETTER OFF TODAY THAN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS AGO? BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF
2020, THE YEAR THAT NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. * AND IT CAN BE THAT WAY AGAIN *
OH, GOSH, I GUESS I CAN SING. THAT'S SO GREAT. BUT OUR COUNTRY IS NOT.
IT'S LIKE I TELL MY KIDS EVERY NIGHT. WE ARE STEEPED IN THE BLOOD OF
PATRIOTS IN A CASTLE MADE OF BONES. GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.
AND SPEAKING OF TEA, MY TEA IS READY. BUT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO
ARE STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW, KNOW THIS. WE HEAR YOU.
WE SEE YOU. WE SMELL YOU. WE'RE INSIDE YOUR KITCHEN RIGHT
NOW LOOKING THROUGH YOUR FRIDGE. AND WHAT'S THAT ON THE TOP SHELF?
MIGRANTS. I THINK THAT ANALOGY WENT WELL. IN CONCLUSION, TO THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES, I'LL JUST SAY THIS, MR. BIDEN, THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF KATIE
BRITT. MAYBE NOT IN POLITICS, BUT WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, I'LL BE
RIGHT THERE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
WITH...
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- ARIANA GRANDE. AND YOUR HOST -- JOSH BROLIN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOSH BROLIN! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE BEING HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS SINCE I LAST HOSTED. AND I'VE MISSED THIS PLACE.
I MEAN, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. NOT REALLY. IT'S THE SAME.
BUT THE BAND -- I MEAN, A COUPLE GUYS, BUT IT'S ALL -- ANYWAY, IT ALL SEEMS DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S
THE SAME. THE FIRST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN 2008, MUSICAL GUEST WAS SOMEONE
I HAD NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE, ADELE. NOW SHE'S A GLOBAL SUPERSTAR.
THE SECOND TIME I HOSTED, THE MUSICAL GUEST WAS GOTYE, AND NOW HE'S JUST SOMEONE THAT I
USED TO KNOW. 12 YEARS. WHERE DOES IT GO?
I MEAN, LOOK AT THE MILESTONES THAT WE'VE EXPERIENCED. MARTHA STEWART AND SNOOP DOGG
RIPPING BONG HITS TOGETHER. CARDI B'S HIT SONG WET ASS PASTRAMI.
I WAS A PURPLE DUDE, THANOS WITH A SCROTUM CHIN THAT SNAPPED ALL THE POPULATION INTO DUST.
IT'S BEEN A GOOD 12 YEARS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'VE BEEN DIRECTING, I'VE BEEN
WRITING A LOT. I WROTE AN APPARENTLY SUPER CREEPY POEM ABOUT TIMOTHEE
CHALAMET. I DON'T THINK IT'S CREEPY, BUT YOU BE THE JUDGE.
LIGHTS. YOUR FACE IS ETCHED BY ADOLESCENCE.
YOUR CHEEKBONES JUT TOWARD WHAT ARE YOUTH EYES THAT SLIDE DOWN A PROMINENT NOSE AND ON TO LIPS OF
A CERTAIN POETRY. I MEAN, IT'S WEIRD, YEAH. BUT I -- NO, I DON'T WANT TO
SLEEP WITH HIM. BUT THAT'S WHAT I DO. I WRITE POEMS ABOUT EVERYONE I
WORK WITH. LIKE THIS WEEK, I WROTE A POEM ABOUT KENAN.
>> WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY NOW? >> REMEMBER? WE WERE REHEARSING, AND I WAS
LOOKING AT YOU, YOUR FACE, AND I JUST GOT INSPIRED. LIGHTS.
I LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR AGELESS FACE AND SLIDE DOWN FURROWED BROW UNTO SULTRY EYES.
THEN JUMPING OFF UNDER YOUR SUGAR COOKIE CHEEKS INTO THE DIVETS OF YOUR LAUGH LINES
AWAKENS IN ME A SYMPHONY OF DESIRE, TO WHICH I CAN ONLY SAY -- WHAT UP WITH THAT?
>> COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL. >> LOVE YOU.
ANY WHO, I WRITE A LOT. I MEAN HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT LATER THIS YEAR CALLED "FROM
UNDER THE TRUCK." THAT WHOLE BOOK IS ABOUT KENAN. SO THIS IS MY THIRD TIME
HOSTING, AND, MAN, THERE'S JUST NOTHING LIKE IT. YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN DOING COLD
PLUNGES FOR 20 YEARS, RIGHT? AND THE ONLY THING I CAN COMPARE THIS SHOW TO IS THAT.
HOSTING IS LIKE JUMPING INTO AN ICE BATH, YOU KNOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SCARY, IT'S EXHILARATING, YOUR PENIS IS IN YOUR STOMACH. THERE'S JUST NO WAY TO PREPARE
FOR IT. SO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST JUMP RIGHT IN.
SURRENDER TO THE DISCOMFORT. YOU READY FOR THIS? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH! I AM INEVITABLE! WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. ARIANA GRANDE IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
IS OFFICIALLY OPEN. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, CHELSEA. OH, THIS IS SO GREAT.
>> SHE'S A BUSINESS OWNER. MEANWHILE, WE'RE MAKING CHECK DEPOSITS LIKE IT'S 1995.
>> BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, HONOR. LAST TIME WE TRIED E THE
DEPOSITING I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED BY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER ON ZILLOW.
>> THIS IS A ROBBERY! >> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO US?
>> SLIDE YOUR PHONES ACROSS THE FLOOR. >> MOVE.
COME ON! >> DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME. DO NOT.
>> BE QUIET AND NO ONE GETS HURT, OKAY? >> NO ONE GETS HURT?
YEAH RIGHT. I'VE SEEN ENOUGH MOVIES TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A CHICK LIKE ME.
TAKE ME TO THE VAULT AND GET IT OVER WITH YOU NASTY BOYS. >> WHAT?
LADY, SHUT UP. >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? JUST WATCH?
>> WATCH WHAT? >> WATCH HELPLESS AS YOU HAVE YOUR WAY WITH MY SUPPLE WIFE?
>> THIS IS SO MESSED UP. >> AND WHO'S GOING TO FILM IT? HIM?
>> FILM IT? >> I'M SO MAD I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW.
>> SHUT UP! NO ONE'S FILMING ANYTHING. >> WHO HERE IS THE BANK MANAGER?
>> I AM. I'M THE MANAGER. >> ALL RIGHT, GLASSES.
WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE VAULT AND PUT IN THE COMBINATION. >> AND YOU BETTER NOT TRIP THE
DISTRESS ALARM. >> DON'T TOUCH HIM. TOUCH ME!
HE PROBABLY HAS SOME FAMILY, AND I'M JUST SOME CHICK. >> MOVE, LADY.
>> WHY ARE YOUR HANDS TIED UP? >> WE TIED OURSELVES BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE YOU SICKOS
THE SATISFACTION. YOU PROBABLY ARE GOING TO TAKE MY CHICK IN THE BACK AND LAY HER
ON A BED OF QUARTERS AND MAKE A SMUT FILM IN THE VAULT. YOU MAKE ME SICK.
>> YEAH. WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE FILM? ROBIN ROBIN OR STICKUP AT
ROBIN'S? >> HER NAME IS ROBIN, OKAY? >> YOU GUYS SHUT UP.
NO ONE WANTS TO OR IS GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR WIFE. >> OH, I GET IT.
SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME INSTEAD? YOU KNOW THIS, IF YOU TRY ANY
FUNNY BUSINESS, I WILL JUST SCREAM, AND I WILL SCREAM LIKE THIS, EHHHHH!
>> THAT'S YOUR SCREAM? >> ISN'T IT YOUR LUCKY DAY? WE JUST OPENED UP OUR MARRIAGE.
>> AND WE WERE BOTH PRETTY NERVOUS ABOUT OPENING THINGS UP, SO WE MADE A LOT OF RULES.
>> AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE RULES ALLOWS ME TO BE WITH MEN. >> Y'ALL ARE NASTY.
CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP SO THEY CAN ROB US IN PEACE? >> GUYS, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
I'VE BEEN IN THE VAN FOR TEN MINUTES. >> OH, LOOK AT THAT, A BARELY
LEGAL LATINO. THAT'S COOL, RIGHT? >> A BARELY LEGAL LATINO IS
MUCHO COOL. >> OKAY. I'M NOT BARELY LEGAL.
I'M 31. EWW. WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
>> THIS WEIRD COUPLE IS TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH US. >> AND THIS PERVERT WANTS TO
FILM IT. >> I DO NOT WANT TO FILM IT. THAT WAS THEIR SUGGESTION.
>> WELL, THERE'S ANOTHER BANK ON THE EAST SIDE. SHOULD WE JUST GO THERE?
>> NO, YOU IDIOT. WE'RE ALREADY HERE. OKAY?
YOU NEED TO MAN UP, OKAY? AND THEN LET'S FINISH WHAT WE STARTED HERE, ALL RIGHT?
>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. >> REMEMBER US?
>> YEAH! YOU SICKOS. >> WHY ARE YOU HAND CUFFED AND
IN YOUR UNDERWEAR? >> BECAUSE I'VE SEEN ENOUGH MOVIES TO KNOW WHAT'S COMING
NEXT FOR A CHICK LIKE ME. >> BUT KNOW THIS, I DO PILATES, OKAY?
IT'S GOING TO HURT WAY MORE THAN IT'S GOING TO HURT ME. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> WHAT THE HELL? >> WHAT THE HELL? >> THE COPS!
>> LET'S GO. LET'S GO! STOP IT!
>> OH, THE BOYS IN BLUE! I HOPE THOSE BEEFY PIGS DON'T TRY TO JOIN IN.
>> BUT IF THEY DO, HE'S GOING TO FILM IT. >> KEEP ME OUT OF IT!
>>> MAN, I FORGOT MY CHARGER, DAMN IT. >> HEADPHONES, SIR?
>> YEAH, SURE. >> THAT'LL BE 29.99. >> WHAT?
NO. NEVER MIND, THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHTY, SIR.
>> IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG FLIGHT. * I'M ON THIS FLIGHT TO PHOENIX,
AND MY PHONE'S GOT NO POWER, I GOT NO DAMN ENTERTAINMENT FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS *
* WHEN OUT THE CORNER OF MY EYE, I AM SAFE FROM DISASTER, THE MAN TO MY RIGHT IS WATCHING BRAD
PITT IN AD ASTRA, AND NOW I AM THE MAN WHO WATCHES THE MAN WHO WATCHES THE MOVIE CATTY CORNER
TO ME * * MY KINDLE IS DEAD, I AM RAW DOGGING THIS FLIGHT, SO I WILL
WATCH WHAT HE WATCHES, THE MAN TO MY RIGHT * * I GOT MY KINDLE AND SOME
HEADPHONES, LIFE COULDN'T BE BETTER AND WHEN I LOOK UP I SEE THEY GOT MY FAVORITE MOVIE
EVER * * I'M WATCHING AD ASTRA, BRAD PITT'S IN THE ZONE, I LOOK OVER
MY SHOULDER AND REALIZED I AM NOT ALONE * * BECAUSE BACK THERE IS A MAN,
HE'S WATCHING ME, MAN, HE'S WATCHING MY MOVIE, CATTY CORNER TO ME *
* HIS BREATH IS ON MY NECK, I CAN'T KEEP WATCHING LIKE THIS, I GO TO TURN OFF THE MOVIE, HIS
HAND GRABS MY WRIST * * DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, I GOT NOTHING TO DO, MY KINDLE IS
DEAD, SO I AM LIVING THROUGH YOU * * HOW CAN YOU EVEN WATCH IT,
THERE'S NO CAPTIONS, I'LL KEEP IT ON IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT JUST HAPPENED *
* PROBABLY BRAD IS AD ASTRA, NO THAT'S NOT HIS NAME * * THEN WHO THE HELL IS AD ASTRA,
YOU SOUND TOTALLY INSANE. HERE JUST PLAY MY SUDOKU * * I DO NOT KNOW HOW, I NEVER
LEARNED THE RULES, AND I AM NOT STARTING NOW * >> WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?
* THIS POUR SOUL HAS NOTHING, HIS KINDLE IS DEAD, ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU WITH NOTHING TO DO
BUT STARE AHEAD * * I AM THE AIR MARSHALL, ON MY PLANE THERE'S ONE RULE, YOU MUST
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO YOU * * BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU'LL BE THE
MAN WHO WATCHES THE MAN WHO WATCHES THE MOVIE CATTY CORNER TO ME *
* IF YOUR KINDLE IS DEAD AND YOU'RE RAW DOGGING THIS FLIGHT, THEN YOU WILL WATCH WHAT HE
WATCHES, THE MAN TO YOUR RIGHT * * YEAHHHHH * >> ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT.
>>> I LOVE THAT SHIRT, CELINE. >> YOU DO? I HATE IT.
IT LOOKS STUPID ON ME. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
I LOVE IT BUT IT'S STUPID. >> OKAY. LET'S GET STARTED THEN.
EVERYONE, WELCOME BACK TO THE PEOPLE PLEASERS SUPPORT GROUP. >> IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> YEA, WE'RE BACK. >> AND NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO TALK AT ONCE.
>> TOTALLY. >> NOT EVERYONE CAN HEAR. >> WE SHOULDN'T ALL BE TALKING.
>> YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF CONFLICT, SO YOU AGREE WITH LITERALLY
EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS. BUT WE'RE HERE TO HEAL. WHO WANTS TO SHARE FIRST TODAY?
>> I'LL GO. THIS WEEK, MY BOYFRIEND WANTED TO GO OUT TO DINNER, BUT I
ALREADY ATE. >> SO WHAT DID YOU DO? >> I SAID, SOUNDS GREAT.
I'M HUNGRY. I'LL DRIVE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO. NO WORRIES AT ALL.
>> THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE. >> IT'S FINE TO HAVE TWO
DINNERS. >> LIKE WE SAID LAST WEEK, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE
ASSERTIVE AND SAY NO. >> TOTALLY. THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I WAS
THINKING. >> BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU DID. >> YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
I DID NOT DO THAT BECAUSE I COULD NOT DO THAT. I'M DUMB.
>> DON'T CALL YOURSELF DUMB. UNLESS YOU WANT TO, THEN NO WORRIES.
>> NO, MIKE, IT'S NOT NO WORRIES. THAT'S A PHRASE WE TRY TO AVOID
ALONG WITH ALL GOOD EITHER WAY, NO TOTALLY, AND I'M FINE WITH WHATEVER, ANGEL.
MIKE, WHY DON'T YOU SHARE? >> OKAY. I'VE BEEN REALLY WANTING TO
BREAK UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. >> YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR A LONG TIME.
YOU NEED TO DUMP HER. >> BUT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SO LONG, AND SHE REALLY UNDERSTANDS
ME. >> YOU CAN'T BREAK UP NOW, LOVE IS SO IMPORTANT.
>> I DECIDED BREAKING UP WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, SO I SAT HER DOWN TO DO IT.
>> THAT'S GREAT. HOW DID IT GO? >> WENT REALLY WELL.
I PROPOSED, AND WE'RE GETTING MARRIED. IS THAT GOOD?
>> NO. I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT GOOD.
OKAY. WHO'S NEXT? HEY, SAM, BUDDY, DO YOU WANT TO
MAYBE TELL US ABOUT YOUR NEW HAIR? DID YOU GO TO THE BARBER AND
THEY SAID THEY HAD AN IDEA? AND YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD IMMEDIATELY, BUT YOU JUST
WATCHED THEM DO IT AND THEN YOU SAID I LOVE IT, THANK YOU. >> BUT CAN I SAY SOMETHING IN MY
DEFENSE? I GAVE THEM A HUGE TIP. >> OKAY.
WHO'S NEXT? WHERE IS SERAFINA? >> HEY, EVERYONE.
SORRY I'M LATE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I GOT HIT BY A CAR, AND I WAS
LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY, CAR, I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY. >> ALL RIGHT, SERAFINA, WHY
DON'T YOU SHARE? >> OKAY. WELL, I HATE MY JOB, SO I NEED
TO QUIT. BUT THEY GIVE ME GREAT HEALTH INSURANCE, AND IT'S SO NICE OF
THEM TO PAY ME. >> SHE HAS TO STAY FOR THE HEALTH INSURANCE.
>> OF COURSE. WHAT IF SHE GETS SICK. >> HOW ABOUT WE TRY A ROLE PLAY
EXERCISE? CHARLIE, CAN YOU PLAY HER BOSS? >> YES.
UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO. WHATEVER IS FINE. >> SO CHARLIE IS YOUR BOSS.
TRY ASKING HIM FOR A RAISE. >> OKAY. I NEED A RAISE.
>> NO, TOTALLY. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT RAISE. SORRY.
I'M SUCH A BAD BOSS. YOU CAN HAVE MY JOB. >> NO, YOU'RE GREAT.
I'M DOING BAD AS AN EMPLOYEE. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY FIRE ME. >> YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
I'M SO SORRY. >> I LOVE YOU. >> I LOVE YOU TOO.
>> I'M DUMB, YOU'RE SMART. >> WE ARE BOTH SMART AND STUPID. >> THAT'S IT.
>> I'M THE COMPANY'S CEO, AND YOU'RE BOTH SO AMAZING, YOU SHOULD HAVE MY JOB.
I DON'T DESERVE IT. I'M RESIGNING. >> STOP.
WHAT HAPPENED THERE WAS BAD. IN THAT EXERCISE, EVERYONE LOST THEIR JOBS.
>> WELL, I THINK THEY DID THEIR BEST. >> YEAH.
AND I AGREE -- IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU. >> I THINK OUR WORK IS DONE
HERE. LET'S ALL SAY THE PEOPLE PLEASERS PRAYER OF DEFERENCE.
>> GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO SAY NO, BUT IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY WITH HEAVEN, THEN NO WORRIES.
AMEN. OR A-MEN, WHATEVER YOU PREFER.
>> OH, YES. I LIKE THAT ONE. WHAT IS THAT?
>> THAT'S THE CABERNET, AND THE BOOK SAYS TO PAIR THAT WITH THE AGED GOUDA.
>> MM. THAT'S GOOD. YEAH.
>> GOSH, RICK AND MELISSA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US OVER. >> YEAH.
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A WINE AND CHEESE NIGHT BEFORE. >> WELL, WE HAVE A PASSION FOR
WINE AND A PASSION FOR FINE CHEESE. WE'RE SO HAPPY TO GET TO SHARE
IT WITH ALL OF YOU. >> OH, MY GOSH, BABE, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO JOIN US.
TIGER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? >> AWW, SHE LOVES YOU. >> THE LITTLE GUY JUST WALKED
RIGHT UP AND CURLED UP IN MY LAP. >> WELL, THAT IS SPECIAL.
TIGER NEVER COMES OUT WHEN WE HAVE COMPANY, AND HE NEVER SNUGGLES UP TO ANYONE LIKE THAT.
>> SERIOUSLY? >> NOT THAT I CAN REMEMBER. CHRIS, YOU MUST HAVE GOOD
ENERGY. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. >> WELL, I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE
READY FOR A TRIP TO ESPANIA BECAUSE UP NEXT WE HAVE A ROIJA. >> THE CAT NEVER DOES THIS?
>> NOT REALLY. LIKE MELISSA SAID, YOU MUST HAVE GOOD ENERGY.
>> I HOPE SO. I MEAN, THE CAT CHOSE ME, RIGHT? MUST BE BECAUSE OF MY ENERGY.
>> YEAH. >> SO, GUYS FOR THE RIOJA, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET A
GOOD NOSE, SO REALLY GET IN THERE. >> CAT COULD'VE CHOSE ANYONE.
BUT HE CHOSE ME, SO I GUESS I GOT GOOD ENERGY. >> YEAH, CHRIS, ARE YOU OKAY,
MAN? SEEMS LIKE THIS CAT THING IS REALLY SIGNIFICANT TO YOU.
>> WELL, IT IS. I WORRY I DON'T HAVE GOOD ENERGY, SO IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THAT I DO. THAT'S AWESOME. >> IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
ANYTHING GOING ON AT WORK OR? >> NO, JUST SAME OLD, SAME OLD, CLOSING DOWN NURSING HOMES AND
TURNING THEM INTO TOP GOLFS. SAME AS IT EVER WAS. >> GOD, I FORGET THAT'S WHAT YOU
DO. >> BY THE WAY, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE OLD FOLKS AFTER YOU SHUT
DOWN THE HOMES? >> I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY SLEEP IN THE STREET.
I'M SORRY. SO YOU'RE SAYING HE NEVER DOES THIS?
>> I MEAN, WITH US HE DOES, BUT -- ANYWAY, GUYS, WITH THE RIOJA, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO
TAKE A BITE OF THE MANCEGO. >> LOOK, TIGER'S CUDDLED UP WITH RANDALL NOW.
>> YEAH. LITTLE GUY CRAWLED OVER AND CURLED UP ON MY LAP.
>> THIS IS CRAP. >> WELL, YOU MUST HAVE GOOD ENERGY TOO, RANDALL.
>> OH, MUST HE? MUST HE HAVE GOOD ENERGY? OR IS IT JUST YOUR CAT IS ONE
BIG DAMN SLUT? >> HEY, NOW, CHRIS, THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL MY CAT THAT.
>> HEY, I JUST CALLS THEM LIKE I SEES THEM. YOUR CAT'S A SLUT, BUSSING IT
OPEN FOR EVERY LAP AT THIS LAME-ASS WINE AND CHEESE NIGHT. >> YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
>> WHATEVER. THIS PARTY SUCKS. ZERO SINGLE CHICKS.
DUDES ARE ALL MID. BY THE WAY, YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE A FART.
>> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN PARTING ALL NIGHT, CHRIS. >> I'M EATING CHEESE AND WINE,
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO RIP A LITTLE ASS? YOU WANT ME TO DIE?
>> NONE OF US HAVE BEEN RIPPING ASS ALL NIGHT, CHRIS. >> BS.
YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BLOWING CHEESE SMOKE INTO THAT CUSHION ALL
NIGHT? >> MAYBE ONCE, BUT THAT'S IT. >> SO YOU HAVE?
SO YOU KNOWINGLY HAVE? SO YOU KNOWINGLY HAVE AND YET ACTED LIKE I WAS THE ONLY ONE
RIPPING IT UP. F THIS! >> YOU'RE SCARING MY LADY!
OKAY? NOW, I'M SORRY THAT TIGER IS WITH RANDALL, BUT YOU'RE ACTING
LIKE A CHILD! >> OW! >> RICK, LOOK, TIGER'S BACK WITH
CHRIS. >> YEAH. LITTLE GUY JUST CRAWLED UP AND
CURLED UP IN MY LAP. >> HE GRABBED HIM OFF MY LAP, AND TIGER BIT HIS ARM.
>> LIAR. >> CHRIS, YOU'RE BLEEDING A LOT. YOU SHOULD GO TO A HOSPITAL.
>> NEVER. I'LL DIE HERE. I'LL DIE HERE HAPPY, AND IF YOU
GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, THEN I'LL JUST TAKE YOU OUT WITH ME. >> GO AHEAD.
MAKE MY DAY!
OUTDONE YOURSELF THIS TIME. >> YES, THIS IS TRULY QUITE THE AFFAIR.
>> GENTLEMEN, YOU FLATTER ME. >> THE ARCH DUCHESS WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.
MAY I REMIND YOU THAT A MARRIAGE WOULD NOT ONLY INCREASE YOUR RANK BUT STABILIZE THE FAMILY
FOR YEARS TO COME. >> YES, BUT I HEAR SHE'S A DIFFICULT WOMAN TO IMPRESS.
>> INDEED, SHE'S SEEN MANY OF THE WORLD'S GREAT SPLENDORS, BUT SHE HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THIS. >> WHAT IS IT, KINSKY? >> I CALL IT THE SHRIMP TOWER.
I JUST THOUGHT OF IT LAST NIGHT. >> I DO FEEL I'VE SEEN SHRIMP AT A PARTY BEFORE.
AND IT'S ALL SHRIMP? >> INDEED, FROM TOP TO BOTTOM, NOTHING BUT SHRIMP.
SHRIMP, SHRIMP, SHRIMP, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, THE SINKING MAN'S MOZZARELLA SHRIMP.
>> I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE IT DOES SEMIPRECARIOUSLY PLACED. >> THAT'S PART OF ITS CHARM.
IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO MY SHRIMP TOWER, I WOULD OBVIOUSLY KILL MYSELF.
>> WAIT. SHE'S HERE. >> THE ARCH DUCHESS,
KLAUSTENBERG. >> MY GOD, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. >> COUNT KINSKY, THANK YOU FOR
INVITING ME TO YOUR PALACE. I MUST SAY, IT FEELS LIKE HOME, AND PERHAPS ONE DAY, IT WILL BE.
>> I THINK THE SHRIMP TOWER IS WORKING. >> I MEAN, I SUPPOSE SO.
** ** >> OH, LOOK, HE'S GOING TO DANCE
WITH HER. >> KINSKY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
>> WHAT? I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER.
>> GOOD GOD, MAN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? >> SO I'M INSANE.
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER.
SHOW OF HANDS, WHO ELSE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER?
ONE PERSON, THANK YOU. >> BUT KINSKY, YOU KILLED THE POOR GIRL.
>> OH, GOD. PERHAPS I OVERREACTED IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
WHAT HAVE I DONE? >> I'M OKAY. I WASN'T EVEN TRYING TO KNOCK
OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER. >> KNOCK OVER THE SHRIMP TOWER? >> KINSKY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
>> LOOK, WE ALL AGREE THAT THE NIGHT HAD TO BE SPECIAL, AND THE THING THAT MADE THE NIGHT
SPECIAL WAS THE SHRIMP TOWER. WE MUST PROTECT THE SHRIMP TOWER AT ALL COSTS.
YOU ARE PROFESSOR OF LOGIC, DO YOU DETECT ANY ERROR IN MY THINKING?
>> THE MAN'S LOGIC IS SOUND. >> WELL, IF HE SAYS HE'S RIGHT. >> THAT IS ALL I'M SAYING.
NOW, COULD I HAVE PERHAPS HANDLED IT BETTER? SURE.
BUT I'M HUMAN. WHICH IS UNFORTUNATE BECAUSE I WISH I WERE A SHRIMP.
>> GOOD HEAVENS, MAN, YOU'VE GOT SHRIMP ON THE BRAIN! >> KINSKY, I HAVE SOMETHING I
WANT TO SAY! I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOU PASSIONATELY PROTECT THE THINGS
YOU LOVE, AND IF YOU CAN LOVE ME AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THAT SHRIMP TOWER, WELL, THEN I WOULD BE THE
LUCKIEST GIRL IN EUROPE. >> WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE KINSKY HAS FOUND A BRIDE.
AND NOW LET US CELEBRATE BY EATING THE SHRIMP. >> YOU EAT IT BY THE TAIL?
>> HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT IT? BY THE HEAD? >> KINSKY, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH. YOU KNOW, IN A WAY, I'M RELIEVED.
ACTUALLY KIND OF LIBERATING, YOU KNOW? >> THAT'S GOOD.
>> YEAH. MM HMM. >> WELL, I MUST SAY THE NIGHT
WAS A COMPLETE SUCCESS. >> INDEED. TO KINSKY, THE HAPPIEST MAN IN
THE WORLD. >> TO KINSKY! [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> WELCOME BACK TO SHONDA. OUR TOPIC TODAY IS HE CHEAT OR NAH?
PLEASE WELCOME JASMINE WHO SAYS SHE'S FED UP WITH HER HUSBAND JERRY AND SUSPECTS HE MAY BE
STEPPING OUT. SO TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON, JASMINE.
>> HEY, SHONDA. I'M JUST FED UP, GIRL. I DO EVERYTHING FOR THIS MAN.
I COOK FOR HIM, I CLEAN, I TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. I EVEN WASH HIS FUNKY DIRTY
DRAWERS. >> GIRL, HE SOUNDS LIKE A D-O-G, GOING DOG, DUMP HIS ASS.
>> SO YOU'RE SAYING HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOU, JASMINE? >> NOT AT ALL.
ALL HE DOES IS SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV LIKE A DANG ZOMBIE. >> I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOU ARE
BEAUTIFUL. AND IF YOU WAS MY LADY, WE WOULDN'T NEED NO TV.
>> THANK YOU. THERE ARE STILL GENTLEMEN. >> ALL RIGHT.
SO JASMINE, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS BUM? >> BECAUSE HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE
THIS, SHONDA. HE USED TO TAKE MY DANCING, HIKING, AND WE HAD SEX ALL THE
TIME. >> OKAY, OKAY. WHAT ABOUT NOW?
>> NOW HE'S ALWAYS TIRED, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING, SO HE MUST BE GETTING IT FROM SOMEBODY
ELSE. >> AND WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY, MA'AM?
>> HONEY, THERE IS NO EXCUSE. THAT MAN IS NO GOOD, AND YOU NEED TO DUMP HIS ASS QUICK.
>> WELL, GIRL, YOU KNOW OUR AUDIENCE IS ALWAYS GOING TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
SO WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO FIND OUT TODAY? >> SHONDA, I DO EVERYTHING FOR
THIS MAN, AND HE GIVES ME NOTHING, SO I JUST WANT TO KNOW IS HE CHEATING OR NAH.
>> WELL, LET'S BRING THAT DIRTY CHEATER OUT. >> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO AHEAD AND BRING OUT JERRY. >> BOO!
>> BOO. >> NOPE. I AIN'T FOOLING WITH THIS.
>> OKAY. SO, JERRY, JASMINE SAYS YOU TWO ARE NOT INTIMATE ANYMORE.
>> SHE BROKE MY DAMN NECK. >> RIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S REALLY
COOL, YEAH. >> NO. NO.
IT'S NOT COOL. I STILL HAVE NEEDS. MAYBE YOU CAN'T HUMP, BUT YOU
CAN STILL GO DOWNTOWN LIKE YOU USED TO. >> THAT'S HOW I BROKE MY DAMN
NECK, YOU SLAMMED DOWN ON ME. >> BECAUSE I LIKED IT. TAKE THE COMPLIMENT.
>> OH, WOW. DO YOU WANT TO ADD SOMETHING, MA'AM?
>> NO, I DO NOT. >> OKAY. WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW, FOLKS.
>> NO. I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS. IF YOU'RE NOT CHEATING ON ME,
WHO ARE YOU LOSING ALL THAT WEIGHT FOR? >> YOU STOPPED FEEDING ME.
>> YEAH. THIS IS MESSED UP. I'M GOING TO GO PRAY IN SPANISH.
>> OKAY. THEN WHY WERE YOU OUT ALL NIGHT LAST WEEK?
>> CHAIR BATTERY DIED. >> HUH-HUH. GOD GON' GET Y'ALL FOR THIS
MESS. EXCUSE ME. >> WELL, JASMINE DOESN'T KNOW
THIS, BUT JERRY HAS ASKED THE SHOW FOR A PATERNITY TEST ON THEIR 2-YEAR-OLD SON, JERRY JR.
>> OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU FOR REAL? >> AIN'T MY KID.
>> NOW, WHY DO YOU SUSPECT JERRY JR. MIGHT NOT BE YOURS? >> HE'S BLACK.
>> BECAUSE MY GRANDFATHER'S ITALIAN. >> ALSO, I AIN'T GOT IT UP IN
FIVE YEARS. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HARD TO MAKE A BABY, RIGHT, Y'ALL?
>> YOU GO GIRL. >> REALLY? >> I DON'T KNOW.
I TRIED. >> SHOOT. WELL, WE HAVE THE TEST RESULTS
IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THEM. >> I DO. >> YES, PLEASE, READ THEM.
>> OKAY. WHEN IT COMES TO 2-YEAR-OLD JERRY JR., JERRY, YOU ARE NOT
THE FATHER. >> OH, MY GOD! WHAT?
>> I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I'M FREE.
>> YOU KNOW, LET'S TAKE A BREAK, AND WHEN WE COME BACK -- YOU
KNOW WHAT? WE NOT COMING BACK.
GRANDE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] **
* I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D UNDERSTAND ME HOW COULD YOU
EVER EVEN TRY *
BUT I DON'T WANNA FEED THIS MONSTROUS FIRE * * JUST WANNA LET
THIS STORY DIE AND I'LL BE ALRIGHT * * WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS
BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST PRETEND * * YOU CLING TO YOUR
PAPERS AND PENS WAIT UNTIL YOU LIKE ME AGAIN *
* WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE *
* ME AND MY TRUTH WE SIT IN SILENCE MMM, BABY GIRL
IT'S JUST ME AND YOU * * 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA ARGUE BUT I DON'T WANNA BITE
MY TONGUE, YEAH I THINK I'D RATHER DIE * * YOU GOT ME MISUNDERSTOOD
BUT AT LEAST I LOOK THIS GOOD * * WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS
BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST PRETEND * * YOU CLING TO YOUR
PAPERS AND PENS WAIT UNTIL YOU LIKE ME AGAIN *
* WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE *
* I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE *
* KNOW THAT YOU MADE ME I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU PAINT ME
YET I'M STILL HERE HANGING * * NOT WHAT YOU MADE ME IT'S SOMETHING
LIKE A DAYDREAM * * BUT I FEEL SO SEEN IN THE NIGHT
SO FOR NOW, IT'S ONLY ME * * AND MAYBE THAT'S ALL I NEED *
* WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST PRETEND *
* YOU CLING TO YOUR PAPERS AND PENS WAIT UNTIL YOU
LIKE ME AGAIN * * WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE
I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * * I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE MY LOVE
I'LL WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE * WAIT FOR YOU, WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE, WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE, I KNOW
I * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GOOD EVENING. THANK YOU, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
FINALLY WOKE THE HELL UP. PRESIDENT BIDEN DELIVERED THE STATE OF THE UNION, AND HE
HONESTLY CRUSHED IT, EVEN TRUMP'S HOUSE ELF LINDSEY GRAHAM WAS LAUGHING AND ENJOYING IT.
NORMALLY HE'S ONLY THAT HAPPY WHEN WATCHING RUE PAUL'S DRAG RACE.
YOU COULD TELL THE BAR WAS LOW. THE NEW YORK POST'S HEADLINE WAS JUST, HE'S ALIVE.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S LIKE A HEADLINE YOU SEE ABOUT BIG FOOT.
BIDEN ALSO GOT A BIG RESPONSE WHILE ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF ABORTION WHEN HE SAID WE'RE
ABOUT TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH POLITICAL POWER WOMEN HAVE, THEN HE TURNED TO KAMALA AND SAID,
EXCEPT YOU. FORMER PRESIDENT AND CURRENT REVERSE MORTGAGE APPLICANT
DONALD TRUMP CRITICIZED BIDEN'S SPEECH SAYING THE WORDS ARE NOT FLOWING SMOOTHLY OUT OF HIS
MOUTH. WELL, WE CAN'T ALL SPEAK WITH THE SAME EFFORTLESS GRACE AS
DONALD J. TRUMP. >> JUST RECENTLY HEARD THAT SAUDI ARABIA AND RUSSIA WILL --
UH -- >> IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE JUST INSERTED A COLONOSCOPY CAMERA.
>> SOME DEMOCRATS CRITERIA VISED PRESIDENT BIDEN BY TALKING ABOUT MIGRANTS BY USING THE WORD
ILLEGALS. COME ON, HE'S 81 YEARS OLD. HE MEANS WELL.
LIKE WHEN MY MOM PUT UP THAT SIGN TO STOP ORIENTAL HATE. COLIN, YOU GO.
>> BIDEN ALSO TOOK TIME TO SAY SHRINKFLATION IS AFFECTING SNICKERS BARS AND PEOPLE PAY THE
SAME AMOUNT FOR 10% FEWER SNICKERS. IT'S PRETTY RISKY FOR A WHITE
GUY WITH A STUTTER TO KEEP SAYING THE WORD SNICKERS. THE REPUBLICAN RESPONSE WAS
DELIVERED BY ALABAMA SENATOR KATIE BRITT, WHO MADE SOME CHOICES.
>> AS A MOM, I CAN'T QUIT THINKING ABOUT THIS. MR. PRESIDENT, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
WE SEE YOU. WE HEAR YOU. AND WE STAND WITH YOU.
>> THANKS. THOSE ARE ALL SCENES FROM HER ONE-WOMAN SHOW, A BRITT MUCH.
IT'S THE PLAY CRITICS ARE CALLING, IS SHE OKAY? THAT WAS HONESTLY SOME OF THE
WORST ACTING I'VE EVER SEEN, AND I'VE SEEN ME. >> MITCH McCONNELL OFFICIALLY
ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT BECAUSE DESPITE THEIR DIFFERENCES, THEY ACTUALLY GO
WAY BACK. DONALD TRUMP ENDORSED MARK ROBINSON FOR NORTH CAROLINA
GOVERNOR CALLING ROBINSON MARTIN LUTHER KING ON STEROIDS. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MARTIN
LUTHER KING ON OZEMPIC. ALL RIGHT. YOU GO AGAIN, COLIN.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T HAVE IT TODAY. >> I'M GLAD YOU TOLD IT.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN, SEEN HERE DRESSED FOR HER SHIFT AT TGI CRAZIES WAS QUESTIONED BY A
REPORTER ABOUT HER JEWISH SPACE LASERS CONSPIRACY THEORY, AND GREEN RESPONDED LIKE THIS.
>> WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK ABOUT JEWISH SPACE LASERS, AND REALLY WHY DON'T YOU [ BLEEP ] OFF?
>> WOW. EVEN MORE SHOCKING, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS A LITTLE LATER IN THE
VIDEO. >> REALLY, WHY DON'T YOU [ BLEEP ] OFF.
HOW ABOUT THAT? >> ARIZONA SENATOR KIRSTEN CINEMA, WHO LOOKS LIKE ALL THE
FLINTSTONES AT ONCE, ANNOUNCED THAT SHE IS RETIRING FROM THE SENATE.
BUT I DOUBT ANY OF US WILL EVER FORGET THE NAME OF SENATOR CRYSTAL SALMONELLA ALL RIGHT.
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT NBC STUDIOS AND 30 ROCK HAVE BEEN INFESTED WITH BED BUGS.
EVERYBODY LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS. >> NETFLIX ANNOUNCED IN JULY IT WILL LIVE STREAM A FIGHT BETWEEN
MIKE TYSON AND JAKE PAUL. BUT THE REAL FIGHT WILL BE MIKE TYSON TRYING TO ANNOUNCE
NETFLIX. NETFLIX. >> IT'S HARD TO DO, SEE?
JET BLUE AND SPIRIT AIRLINES ANNOUNCED THEY ARE CANCELING THEIR PLANNED MERGER AFTER A
FEDERAL JUDGE TOLD JET BLUE, GIRL, DON'T. >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT
92-YEAR-OLD RUPERT MURDOCH IS SET TO MARRY HIS 67-YEAR-OLD GIRLFRIEND.
THE COUPLE ASKED IN LIEU OF WEDDING GIFTS, SEND LUBE. >> OH, GOOD, ANOTHER ONE.
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT 92-YEAR-OLD RUPERT MURDOCH IS SET TO MARRY HIS 67-YEAR-OLD
GIRLFRIEND. THE COUPLE IS REGISTERED AT CAMPBELL'S FUNERAL HOME.
OH, BOY, THIS IS A ROUGH DAY FOR ME, MAN. >> FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, TWO
MALE HUMPBACK WHALES WERE PHOTOGRAPHED HAVING SEX. LEARN MORE ABOUT IT IN THE
HEARTBREAKING DRAMA HUMPBACK MOUNTAIN. >> A SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER WAS
ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY THROWING A TAMPON AT BOUNCERS WHO WERE REMOVING HER FROM A CLUB.
WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW WHY SHE WAS ACTING THAT WAY. SHOULD I JUST GO HOME?
I'M GOING TO GO HOME. >> A PENNSYLVANIA MAN HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO TWO YEARS PROBATION
FOR SELLING BODY PARTS FOR THE MORTUARIES, BUT STILL NO PUNISHMENT FOR THE BUYER,
ARBY'S. >> ARBY'S, WE HAVE YOUR GRANDPA. >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE"
SPONSORED BY ARBY'S, I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOOD NIGHT.
>>> YOU'RE WATCHING PBS, LIBRARIAN-LOOKING ASS.
>> WELCOME BACK TO MOVIE MUSICAL MASTERPIECES. I'M YOUR HOST, KEN BURNT.
WELL, IT'S OSCAR WEEKEND, AND TONIGHT WE'RE LOOKING BACK AT ONE OF THE FEW MOVIE MUSICALS
EVER NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE. IT'S THE 2001 BAZ LUHRMANN FILM, MOULIN ROUGE.
THE FILM'S CROWN JEWEL IS THE ELEPHANT LOVE MEDIALLY, WHICH STRUNG TOGETHER TEN POPULAR LOVE
SONGS LIKE ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. BUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THAT
THE ORIGINAL MEDIALLY WAS MUCH, MUCH LONGER SINCE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SONGS THEY COULD GET
THE RIGHTS TO, JUST TO BE SAFE, THEY TRIED MANY MORE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN.
TAKE A LOOK. >> SATIN, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. >> DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW I CANNOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. >> WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE? >> NO. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE SICK?
>> NO. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY AUSTRALIAN.
>> NO. >> LOVE IS A SPLENDID THING. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.
* SOME PEOPLE WANT TO FILL THE WORLD WITH SILLY LOVE SONGS * * WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT,
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW BECAUSE HERE I GO AGAIN * * LOVE LIFT US UP WHERE WE
BELONG, YOU BELONG WITH ME, YOU BELONG WITH ME, A NAME, I CALL MYSELF, FA, A LONG, LONG, WAY TO
RUN, SO I CREEP, YEAH, JUST KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW, 'CUZ NOBODY ELSE SUPPOSED TO KNOW *
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *
THEY FELL BACK ON THAT A LOT. LET'S SEE SOME MORE. * IN THE NAME OF LOVE, ONE NIGHT
IN THE NAME OF LOVE, WAITING FOR TONIGHT, WHOA, WHEN YOU WILL BE HERE IN MY ARMS *
* WAITING FOR TONIGHT, OH, I'VE DREAMED OF THIS LOVE FOR SO LONG, IT'S BEEN ONE -- DERWALL.
>> OH, NO! YOU JUST COUGHED BLOOD INTO A NAPKIN.
THAT'S MOVIE FOR DYING. * JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL -- ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, SHE'LL
BE -- COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAIL AWAY, SAIL AWAY WITH ME * * THE ONLY MAN WHO COULD EVER
REACH ME WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN, THE ONLY MAN WHO COULD EVER TEACH ME WAS THE SON
OF A PREACHER MAN * * I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, BOW, BOW, BOW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *
>> BAZ LUHRMANN ALSO TRIED TO TIE THE SONG LADY MARMALADE INTO THE DIALOGUE.
TAKE A LOOK. >> SATIN, WE NEED YOU ON STAGE. IT'S SHOW TIME!
AND AS WE SAY AT THE MOULIN ROUGE, HAY SISTER, SOUL SISTER, BETTER GET THAT DOUGH, SISTER.
>> DO WE SAY THAT? I'M NOT SURE I'VE EVER HEARD THAT.
>> DID I TELL YOU, I FINALLY LEARNED FRENCH. >> TELL US A LITTLE.
>> IT GOES KITCHY KITCHY YA-YA DA DA. KITCHY KITCHY YA-YA HERE.
IT MEANS MOCHA CHOCO LA LA. >> OH, SATIN, YOU'RE FAINTING. >> I'M DYING.
>> OH, BUT CAN YOU SING A LITTLE BIT MORE? >> JUST A LITTLE.
>> ME TOO. * 'CUZ I III WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, IIII CAN'T HELP LOVING --
HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS NOW YOU'RE IN -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO -- OH, OH, OH,
>>> OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS THE LONGEST MEETING IN HISTORY.
>> FOUR HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK. RIDICULOUS. >> I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I'M
HATING THIS JOB TODAY. >> I KNOW. CAN WE ALL JUST GO HOME?
>> UH-OH, SOUNDS LIKE SOME DUDES HAVE THE MID-DAY BLUES. WHO WANTS A SUB FROM TOMMY
FLING, THE SANDWICH KING? YUM, YUM, COME AND GET IT. >> OH, THANKS, TOMMY, BUT WE'RE
ACTUALLY ALL SET TODAY. >> OH, ALL SET? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HOW ABOUT THE GIRLS? I MADE THEM EXTRA MEATY FOR YOU. >> THANK YOU?
>> ACTUALLY, TOMMY, WE ALREADY ORDERED PIZZA. >> HOW?
BY GOING ON THE DOMINO'S PIZZA APP AND ORDERING PIZZA. >> OKAY.
WHAT'S THIS BITCH TALKING ABOUT? >> TOMMY, DON'T CALL HIM THAT. YOUR SUBS ARE GREAT.
WE'VE JUST BEEN BRANCHING OUT, YOU KNOW? >> YEAH, WE USED TO EAT YOUR
SUBS EVERY DAY, BUT NOW WE'RE TRYING SOMETHING ELSE. >> OKAY.
YEAH. I GOT IT. GUESS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE.
* I USED TO FLY, NOW I JUST FALL DOWN, I WHAT I WAS MADE FOR * >> TOMMY, YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH. YOU KIND OF JUST STOOD THERE IN SILENCE FOR A WHILE.
>> YEAH. YOU LOOKED PRETTY SAD. >> SAD?
I'M NOT SAD. YOU'RE SAD FOR MISSING OUT ON THESE EPIC SUBS.
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE THEM BACK TO MY BROS IN ACCOUNTING.
>> NO, NO. THEY SAID IN THE MEETING THEY WERE GOING TO ORDER FROM
PAV BAJI. >> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? >> IT'S INDIAN.
A NEW PLACE THEY WANTED TO TRY. >> OH, SOMETHING NEW. I GOT IT.
GUESS YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE. ** * JUST SOMETHING YOU GAVE
FOR -- * * WHAT WAS I MADE FOR * >> SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING?
HE'S BEEN SINGING THAT "BARBIE" SONG FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES? >> TOMMY, YOU OKAY?
>> MORE THAN OKAY. YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES WHO SUCK DONG AND THINK YOU'RE BETTER
THAN MY SUBS. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. >> LOOK, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR 15 YEARS AND YOU WON'T EVEN BUY A SODA? WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> WELL, TOMMY, KIND OF LOOKS LIKE YOU FILLED THE BOTTLES YOURSELVES BECAUSE THEY DON'T
HAVE CAPS, JUSTIN FOIL ON TOP. >> AND THE COLORS DON'T SEEM RIGHT.
COKE ISN'T BRIGHT BLUE. >> BUY A PICKLE AT LEAST. >> WELL, NOT OUT OF A LISTERINE
BOTTLE. >> GOD FORBID I RECYCLE. JUST FORGET IT.
WHAT DO I KNOW? I'M JUST SOME SUB GUY. >> COME ON.
WE DON'T JUST LIKE YOU FOR YOUR FOOD. WE LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AS A
PERSON. >> HOW? >> WELL, LIKE YOU'RE FUNNY.
>> YEAH? I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I KNOW A JOKE. OKAY.
KNOCK, KNOCK. >> WHO'S THERE? >> TWO ITALIAN QUEERS.
>> NO! ** >> TOMMY, YOU GOT GET OUT OF
HERE. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
>> WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO. >> YOU WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE CUSTOMERS.
THAT'S ALL. LOOK, I TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THESE SUBS.
THEY'RE ON THE HOUSE, OKAY? TAKE THEM. >> TOMMY, THAT'S VERY NICE OF
YOU. YOU EVEN WROTE MY NAME ON IT. TURKEY FOR TRISH.
>> VEJ FOR DEB. >> LIKE I SAID, YOU'RE MY FAVES. >> WELL, THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE
PIZZA. >> LET'S DO IT. >> ALL RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD. >> UGH. >> THEY'RE COVERED IN MOLD.
>> I NEED A NEW FRIDGE. >> THESE SMELL TERRIBLE! >> MINE LOOKS OKAY.
** >> YOU OWE ME 200 BUCKS.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, ARIANA GRANDE.
* MY BOY COME TAKE MY HAND THROW YOUR GUITAR AND YOUR
CLOTHES IN THE BACK SEAT * * MY LOVE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
BUT I'LL HOLD YOUR HURT IN THE BOX HERE BESIDE ME * * HOW COULD WE KNOW
WE'D REARRANGE ALL THE COSMOS, MMM WE CRASHED AND WE BURNED *
* NOW I JUST CAN'T GO WHERE YOU DON'T GO AND USUALLY I'M
-- UP * * ANXIOUS TOO MUCH
BUT I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE YOU NEED ME TO * * IMPERFECT FOR YOU
MESSY COMPLETELY DISTRESSED *
* BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT SINCE I MET YOU IMPERFECT FOR YOU *
* LET'S GO TONIGHT 'CAUSE THERE'S JUST A FEW SECONDS LEFT TILL TOMORROW *
* WE HAVE ALL THAT WE NEED LET'S LEAVE OUR BAGGAGE
AND WINE AT THE TABLE * * MMM, HOW COULD WE KNOW THAT THIS WAS A
HAPPY DISASTER, MMM * * I'M GLAD WE CRASHED AND BURNED
I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN YOU TOLD ME * * YOU SAID, USUALLY I'M
-- UP ANXIOUS TOO MUCH *
* BUT I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE YOU NEED ME TO IMPERFECT FOR YOU *
* MESSY COMPLETELY DISTRESSED
BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT * * SINCE I MET YOU MMM, HOW COULD WE KNOW
WE'D MAKE THE BAD STUFF DELIGHTFUL, MMM * * I'M GLAD WE
CRASHED AND BURNED I KNOW WE'LL BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER *
* WHEN WE'RE FEELING -- UP ANXIOUS
TOO MUCH * * BUT I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE YOU NEED ME TO
IMPERFECT FOR YOU MESSY * * COMPLETELY
DISTRESSED BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT SINCE I MET YOU *
* IMPERFECT FOR YOU MMM, MMM, MMM IMPERFECT FOR YOU *
* YOU, YOU, YOU YOU, YOU IMPERFECT FOR YOU **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SEASON. >> I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE MY INTERN.
HOW DID I NOT KNOW YOU WERE A KNICKS FAN. >> ARE YOU FROM NEW YORK.
>> I MOVED HERE IN COLLEGE, SO I ADOPTED THE TEAM, BUT I'M ACTUALLY FROM TEMECULA.
>> TEMECULA, I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. Y'ALL BEEN IN THE BATHROOMS
HERE? THEY GOT THAT GOOD SOAP. >> ALL RIGHT.
AND HERE YOU GO, MISS. >> OH, LISA, DID YOU SNEAK OFF AND PAY FOR THE WHOLE TABLE?
>> OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S SO NICE. >> LISA, I'M YOUR SISTER'S BOSS.
I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT. >> BUT I INSIST. I PAY MY WAY.
I GOT MONEY TOO. I JUST GOT BROKE OFF IN COURT. >> I WOULD PAY MONEY TO WATCH
YOU IN COURT. >> WHAT YOU WANT? YOU TRYING TO GET RODE TO DEATH
OR SOMETHING? >> I'M JUST TRYING TO BE KIND. >> PLEASE IGNORE HER.
SHE'S JUST JOKING AROUND. >> HOLD UP. THIS AIN'T RIGHT.
THEY ADDED GRATUEY. I WROTE IT IN MY TIP, BUT THEY ALREADY ADDED GRATUEY.
>> NORMALLY RESTAURANTS ADD GRATUITY FOR LARGER PARTIES. >> SO A FREE LOADER CORRECTING
ME. THEY ONLY SUPPOSED TO DO THAT FOR PARTIES OF SIX OR MORE.
I AIN'T GETTING TRICKED INTO TIPPING TWICE. I'M GOING TO FIX THIS.
>> GUYS, I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, SO I'VE RECENTLY BEEN TAKING FLUTE LESSONS.
>> ERASABLE PENS FOR THE WIN, AM I RIGHT? >> I STARTED PLAYING IN MY
LIVING ROOM -- >> 18%? I WAS GOING TO GIVE Y'ALL 20.
Y'ALL BLOCKING Y'ALL BLESSINGS. IT'S ALL ABOUT REFILLS THAT'S FREE, YET I SEE TEN PINA COLADAS
ON THE BILL. DAMN! >> WHAT'S WRONG?
>> THIS IS THE CUSTOMER COPY. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ERASE IT. CAN'T YOU JUST SCRATCH IT OUT?
>> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. I'M GOING TO DO THAT. >> LISA, COULD YOU CUT IT OUT?
MARK WAS JUST TALKING. >> I HEARD EVERY WORD. MR. TARZAN TRYING TO LURE ME
OVER TO HIS HOUSE TALKING ABOUT HE GOT A BIG SNAKE. SIR, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I JUST ATE 37 HABANERO WINGS. I'M NOT RIDING YOU. >> EXCUSE ME, MISS.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS TO LEAVE. YOU HAVE MADE A COMPLETE MESS,
AND OUR HOST SAID SHE SAW SOMEBODY STEALING SOAP FROM THE BATHROOM.
>> I BOUGHT THIS FROM WALL GROOMS. >> ONCE AGAIN, PLEASE LEAVE.
>> WHY WE GOT TO LEAVE? BECAUSE OF OUR DISABILITY? >> YOU DON'T HAVE A DISABILITY.
>> SIR, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW, HE IS NEGRO DIVERGENT. >> GET OUT!
>> DON'T TALK TO MY SISTER LIKE THAT. >> I GOT THIS.
. WHEN I LOOK AT LISA, I SEE A VERY LAYERED WOMAN WHO ISN'T
ALWAYS AWARE OF HER SURROUNDINGS. >> SAY THAT.
>> LISA HAS DETERMINATION, PERSISTENCE, MIGHT EVEN BE A KLEPTO.
WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, LISA ONLY HEARS WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR.
>> SAY THAT. >> AND WE CANNOT LOSE WHAT'S IMPORTANT TONIGHT, LISA FED US
ALL. >> I PAID MY WAY. HOLD UP.
THIS WING AIN'T DONE. THAT'S IT. I'M SUING.
I TOLD THEM TO COOK MY MEAT.
THANK YOU TO LORNE MICHAELS FOR MAKING SNL THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!
I LOVE YOU GUYS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.