. >>> EASTER, THE CELEBRATION OF THE REBIRTH OF CHRIST.
THE BIBLE TELLS US THAT THREE
DAYS AFTER THE CRUCIFIXION OF
JESUS, HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD.
THE FIRST TO WITNESS THIS
MIRACLE WERE THREE WOMEN WHO HAD
COME TO ANOINT THE BODY OF JESUS
AND TEND TO HIS TOMB.
THIS IS THE STORY OF THE
RESURRECTION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS IS IT, THE TOMB WHERE
HIS BODY IS LAID.
>> MOTHER MARY, DRY YOUR TEARS.
MARY AND I ARE HERE TO SUPPORT
YOU.
>> MARY IS RIGHT.
ALSO, WHEN WE'RE DONE GRIEVING,
MAYBE WE SHOULD COME UP WITH A
GIRL'S NAME OTHER THAN MARY.
>> WHAT IS THAT NOISE THAT COMES
FROM WITHIN?
>> LOOK, THE STONE, IT ROLLS
AWAY.
>> IS IT JESUS?
>> BASICALLY, YES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HAPPY EASTER, EVERYBODY.
AS IT WAS STATED IN THE BIBLE,
GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN,
SHADY'S BACK.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
YOU CAN GO.
NO MORE LINES.
YOU DID GREAT.
BYE BYE.
GET OUT OF HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S EASTER, THE TIME OF YEAR
WHEN I COMPARE MYSELF TO JESUS
CHRIST.
THAT'S JUST A THING I DO NOW,
AND PEOPLE SEEM TO BE OKAY WITH
IT.
I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING IT.
IF YOU THINK THIS IS A BAD LOOK,
IMAGINE HOW WEIRD IT WOULD BE IF
I STARTED SELLING BIBLES.
WELL, I'M SELLING BIBLES.
LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BIBLE
MADE FROM 100% BIBLE.
SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE, AND IN MANY
WAYS IT IS, BUT IT'S ALSO VERY
REAL.
AS YOU KNOW, I LOVE BIBLE.
IT'S MY FAVORITE BOOK.
I'VE DEFINITELY READ IT.
MY FAVORITE PART IS PROBABLY THE
ENDING, HOW IT ALL WRAPS UP.
BUT THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL
BIBLE.
AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR THE
HIGH, HIGH PRICE OF $60.
BUT I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR THE
MONEY.
I'M DOING THIS FOR THE GLORY OF
GOD AND FOR PANDERING AND MOSTLY
FOR MONEY.
BUT IT'S SO SAD.
RELIGION AND CHRISTIANITY ARE
TOTALLY GONE FROM THIS COUNTRY,
AND WE NEED THEM BACK.
WITHOUT RELIGION, YOU DON'T HAVE
LAWS, YOU DON'T HAVE MISSION
TRIPS.
I'M TOLD MISSION TRIPS ARE A LOT
OF FUN.
YOU GO TO MEXICO, BUILD A HOUSE, MAYBE MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE ON
THE LAST NIGHT.
THEN IT'S BACK TO CLEAR WATER,
FLORIDA LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE MY NEW
AND EVEN BETTER BIBLE.
IT COMES WITH EVERYTHING YOU
LIKE FROM BIBLE, LIKE THE STORY
OF EASTER, WHICH PRIMARILY
CONCERNS JESUS, NOT SO MUCH THE
BUNNY.
THE BUNNY NEVER SHOWED UP.
THAT'S OKAY.
NOW, MY BIBLE ALSO INCLUDES SOME
BEAUTIFUL ILLUSTRATIONS LIKE
MOSES FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER IN
THE BASKET, AND UH-OH, LOOK OUT,
HERE'S TRUMP IN THE BASKET.
RIGHT BEHIND MOSES ABOUT TO PASS
ON THE LEFT.
AND HERE I AM IN THE GARDEN OF
EDEN WITH MY ACTUAL BODY.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I WOULD BE
VERY GOOD AT SAYING NO TO THE
SNAKE FROM THE STANDPOINT OF NOT
LIKING FRUIT.
AND HERE'S NOAH'S ARK, ALL THE
ANIMALS ARE ON THE ARK OF
COURSE.
THERE'S ME YELLING AT NOAH, HEY,
BUDDY, YOU FORGOT THE RACCOON.
BUT WE LOVE RELIGION, AND WE
LOVE GOD.
HE'S PROBABLY THE BEST PART OF
THE HOLY TRINITY.
HE'S LIKE THE BEYONCE.
COWBOY CARTER.
GOD'S THE BEYONCE, JESUS IS THE
KELLY ROWLAND, AND HOLY GHOST
WOULD PROBABLY BE THE BLACK
MICHELLE WILLIAMS WHO'S VERY
IMPORTANT TO A GREAT NUMBER OF
PEOPLE.
ALMOST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WHITE
MICHELLE WILLIAMS IS TO WHITE
PEOPLE.
AND WE BELIEVE THERE WAS A
FOURTH DESTINY CHILD, BUT WE'LL
BE LOOKING INTO THAT VERY
STRONGLY.
VERY SHORTLY.
BILLS, BILLS, BILLS, THAT'S A
GOOD ONE.
I LIKE THAT ONE.
I WOULD LOVE SOMEONE TO PAY
MINE.
ANY TAKERS?
NO.
WELL, BACK TO MY BEAUTIFUL
BIBLE, WHICH ALSO INCLUDES
CONSTITUTION AND PLEDGE OF
ALLEGIANCE, AND -- I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE MIRANDA RIGHTS, WHICH
MEANS UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD TO
MAKE SOME CUTS.
THIS BIBLE WILL NOT FEATURE AMOS
OR HABAKKUK.
SORRY, HABAKKUK, BUT NOW I THINK
IT REALLY COOKS.
IT'S TIGHT.
AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE'LL ALSO
THROW IN A FREE TRUMP MIRACLE
TOASTER.
YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES WEIRDOS
SEE A PICTURE OF JESUS OR
SOMETHING IN THEIR TOAST?
WELL, HOW ABOUT THE MIRACLE OF
TRUMP?
AND THIS IS GREAT.
THE OTHER SIDE DOES HELLO KITTY
IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER OR
PERHAPS A SON WHO'S TAKING DANCE
CLASSES.
ANYWAY, IT'S EASTER EVE, SO LET
US BOW OUR HEADS -- I'M NOT
GOING TO -- AND SAY THE LORD'S
PRAYER, WHICH WE ALL KNOW VERY
WELL, ME ESPECIALLY.
OUR FATHER WHO ARE IN HEAVEN,
HALLOWED BEEP BEEP, BING BING,
BING BING BONG, BING BONG, BING
BING BING, TRESPASS, DAILY
BREAD, AND PLEASE LEAD US INTO
TEMPTATION, AND PAY OUR
AUTOMOBILES.
IN THE NAME OF FATHER, THE SON,
AND THE EASTER BUNNY, AMEN, AND
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- TRAVIS SCOTT.
AND YOUR HOST -- RAMY YOUSSEF.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RAMY
YOUSSEF!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY SPIRITUAL WEEKEND. WE'RE IN THE HOLY MONTH OF
RAMADAN.
TOMORROW IS EASTER.
AND YESTERDAY, BEYONCE RELEASED
A NEW ALBUM.
THERE'S JUST SO MANY RELIGIONS
CELEBRATING ALL AT ONCE.
I'M DOING THE RAMADAN ONE.
I LOVE RAMADAN BECAUSE I LOVE
HANGING OUT WITH MUSLIMS.
WE'RE SO LOVING.
AND I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW THAT ABOUT US.
THEY KNOW ALL THESE OTHER
THINGS, BUT MAN, WE LOVE TO
LOVE.
WE'RE SO FREE WITH IT.
MY FRIENDS THAT I GREW UP WITH,
THEY WERE REALLY WEIRD ABOUT
LOVE.
I HAVE A BUDDY OF MINE WHO WAS
LIKE, MAN, I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT
WITH THIS GIRL, DUDE, AND I TOLD
HER I LOVED HER.
IT'S ONLY BEEN NINE MONTHS.
I WAS LIKE, DUDE, I JUST SAID
THAT TO MY UBER DRIVER.
I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER.
I WAS LIKE, BRO, LET'S GET OFF
THE APP.
I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU.
YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO ME.
NINE MONTHS?
YOU SHOULD HAVE A KID.
IT'S TOO MUCH.
AND PEOPLE DON'T GET US, AND
THERE'S ALL THIS DIVISION, BUT
IT'S NOT WHERE YOU THINK IT IS.
SO I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
WE'RE IN THIS BUBBLE.
WE THINK EVERYTHING WE DISAGREE
WITH IS IN THE SOUTH.
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE
SOUTH.
THERE IS NO SOUTH.
LIKE, THE SOUTH IS 45 MINUTES
AWAY FROM WHEREVER YOU ARE.
I HAD A SHOW IN UPSTATE NEW
YORK.
I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.
THERE'S ALL THIS TRUMP STUFF,
FLAGS, RED HATS, I WAS LIKE, YO,
I WENT NORTH, BUT I'M SOUTH.
AND I COULD FEEL IT, YOU KNOW, I
COULD FEEL THE FEAR.
WHEN MY MOM CALLED ME, I DIDN'T
WANT TO SPEAK ARABIC.
I WAS LIKE, MOTHER, PEACE BE
UPON YOU.
LIKE, I -- YOU KNOW, AND THE
PROFIT, YOU KNOW WHICH PROFIT.
THE BEST ONE, THE LAST ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S TOUGH BECAUSE IT'S AN
ELECTION YEAR.
THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN FEEL IT.
EVERYONE'S FREAKING OUT.
FOR ME, WHERE I'M AT NOW, I KNOW
BIDEN'S GOING TO CALL.
HE'LL PROBABLY FORGET.
BUT I THINK SOMEBODY WILL CALL.
LIKE IN 2020, I GOT A CALL FROM
MUHAMMAD AT BIDEN.
YOU KNOW THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS
SO COOL.
LIKE BEN WAS GOING TO CALL, AND
THEY WERE LIKE, NO, NO, LET
MUHAMMAD DO IT.
RAMY'S GOING TO LIKE THAT
ENERGY.
HE GOES, RAMY, WE LOVE YOU.
WE LOVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE
DONE FOR ARAB AMERICA.
HE SAID IT LIKE IT WAS A
COUNTRY.
HE GOES, EVERYONE ON THE
CAMPAIGN IS SUCH A BIG FAN OF
YOUR WORK.
AND JOE'S AWARE, RIGHT.
THAT'S HUGE, RIGHT, BECAUSE JOE
HAS AN AWARENESS ISSUE.
I MEAN, JOE'S AWARE.
THAT'S LIKE A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
WE SAID YOUR NAME, JOE WAS
NODDING.
JOE LOOKS GOOD WHEN HE'S AWARE.
YOU'VE SEEN HIM, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHEN HE
COMES OUT AND HE'S JUST LIKE
THAWED.
THEY GIVE HIM AN EXTRA TEN IN
THE MICROWAVE.
HE'S JUST LIT UP.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
AND HE SAYS STUFF THAT'S
INSPIRING.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, BUT
IT'S GOOD.
HE'LL BE LIKE, I RIDE THE TRAIN.
YOU'RE LIKE, SICK, WHERE'S IT
GOING.
AND YOU NEVER FIND OUT.
BUT MUHAMMAD GOES TO ME, RAMY,
LISTEN, THIS IS A TOUGH
ELECTION.
THERE'S A LOT OF BATTLEGROUNDS,
BUT WE'VE REALIZED IF WE CAN WIN
JUST ONE, WE'LL GET THE WHOLE
COUNTRY.
THE ONLY STATE WE NEED IS
MICHIGAN.
ARAB AMERICA.
HE GOES, RAMY, GO TO MICHIGAN.
TELL THE ARABS TO VOTE FOR JOE,
AND YOU COULD CHANGE THE COURSE
OF AMERICAN HISTORY.
AND OUR COUNTRY'S SO MESSED UP
THAT FOR FIVE MINUTES, I WAS
LIKE, IS THIS UP TO ME?
LIKE AM I THE GUY?
I HAD THIS FANTASY, RIGHT.
LIKE I'M IN MICHIGAN.
I'M IN EVERY VAPE SHOP.
AND IT'S JUST LIKE, BRO, BRO,
JOE, JOE.
BUT I COULDN'T GO.
I COULDN'T GO.
I DON'T LIKE EITHER OPTION TO BE
HONEST WITH YOU.
I REALLY THINK OUR NEXT
PRESIDENT SHOULD BE A WOMAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I THINK OUR NEXT PRESIDENT
SHOULD BE A TRANSWOMAN.
A LITTLE LESS SUPPORT, YEAH.
THAT'S NEW YORK, RIGHT?
NEW YORK'S LIKE WE'RE LIBERAL,
BUT WE'RE ITALIAN.
WATCH OUT.
NO.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HER.
I REALLY HAVE.
LIKE IMAGINE HER SPEECH.
IT WOULD BE SO INSPIRING.
SHE WOULD BE LIKE, A LOT OF
POLITICIANS TALK ABOUT CHANGE --
[ LAUGHTER ]
-- LIKE YOU CAN SEE THE BUMPER
STICKER, RIGHT, LIKE REAL
CHANGE.
SHE PUTS UP A BEFORE AND AFTER.
SHE'S LIKE, I CAN DO THAT TO THE
COUNTRY.
IT'S JUST AN IDEA.
I'M OUT OF IDEAS.
I REALLY AM.
I'M OUT OF IDEAS.
ALL I HAVE ARE PRAYERS.
THAT'S ALL I CAN DO RIGHT NOW.
AND IN MY FRIEND GROUP, I'M ONE
OF THE ONLY GUYS WHO PRAYS.
I'M FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF
SINNERS.
LIKE JUST DISGUSTING PEOPLE.
AND THEY CALL ME WHEN THEY'RE IN
TROUBLE BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO
PRAY FOR THEM.
SO I GET A CALL FROM MY BUDDY
BRIAN.
HE'S STRESSED.
HE'S BEEN IN COURT FOR TEN HAD
MONTHS WITH HIS EX, AND THEY'RE
FIGHTING OVER THE DOG.
HE GOES, DUDE, SHE DOESN'T TAKE
CARE OF THE DOG.
SHE FEEDS HIM KIBBLE, NOT WET
FOOD.
I NEED HIM BACK.
IT'S JUST DESTROYING MY LIFE.
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME.
I NEED HIM.
I'M LIKE, I GOT YOU.
AN HOUR GOES BY.
I GOT A FRIEND ACHMED CALLING
ME.
HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS IN GAZA, AND
HE GOES, RAMY, THEY'RE
SUFFERING.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE HALF OF THEM
ARE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM.
IT'S THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO.
I'M LIKE, DUDE, I GOT YOU.
SO THAT NIGHT, I GO TO PRAY, AND
MY PRAYERS ARE COMPLICATED.
I'VE GOT A LOT TO FIT IN.
I'M LIKE, GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE
HELP ACHMED'S FAMILY.
PLEASE STOP THE SUFFERING.
STOP THE VIOLENCE.
PLEASE FREE THE PEOPLE OF
PALESTINE, PLEASE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE.
AND PLEASE FREE THE HOSTAGES,
ALL THE HOSTAGES, PLEASE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
-- YOU KNOW, FREE MR. BOJANGLES.
HE'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG.
I'M PRAYING FOR THAT DOG.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?
TRAVIS SCOTT IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL
>>> IT'S TIME FOR COUPLE GOALS WITH YOUR HOST BOB DABILDA. >>> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WELCOME TO COUPLE GOALS, A GAME
WHERE MARRIED COUPLES FIND OUT
JUST HOW WELL THEY KNOW EACH
OTHER, SPONSORED BY SWIFFER WET
JET.
WANT TO SWIRL SOME WET HAIR
AROUND ON YOUR FLOOR, TRY
SWIFFER WET JET.
LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS.
THEY RECENTLY MOVED INTO THEIR
DREAM HOME, IT'S NICK AND NICOLE
LODI.
AND THEY'RE CHILDHOOD
SWEETHEARTS WHO HAVE KNOWN EACH
OTHER SINCE THEY WERE 6.
IT'S BRIAN AND ABBY GREEN.
AS YOU KNOW, YOUR SPOUSES
ANSWERED A SERIES OF QUESTIONS
BEFORE THE SHOW, AND IT'S UP TO
YOU TO GUESS WHAT THEY SAID.
QUESTION ONE, WHAT'S YOUR WIFE'S
FAVORITE BOOK?
NICK.
>> I KNOW THAT ONE, BOB.
IT'S HARRY POTTER.
>> LET'S SEE WHAT NICOLE SAID.
>> HARRY POTTER.
THAT'S MY HUFFLEPUFF!
>> ALL RIGHT.
THE LODIS ARE ON THE BOARD.
LET'S GO TO THE GREENS.
>> WELL, I KNOW MY LITTLE
READER'S FAVORITE BOOK.
IT'S WHERE THE CRAWDADS SING.
>> LET'S SEE WHAT NICOLE SAID.
OH, THE BIBLE.
>> SORRY, BABE.
YOU WERE SO CLOSE.
>> WAS HE?
LODIS, OVER TO YOU.
WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S GREATEST
FEAR?
>> WELL, NOT SURE HE WANTS
PEOPLE TO KNOW THIS ONE, BUT
IT'S DEFINITELY HEIGHTS.
>> OKAY.
SHE SAYS HEIGHTS, AND NICK SAYS
HIS GREATEST FEAR IS -- THAT
YOU'LL DIE IN A BIZARRE ACCIDENT
AND EVEN THOUGH I HAD NOTHING TO
DO WITH IT, THE POLICE WILL
ASSUME I DID IT AFTER
DISCOVERING HOW MUCH I
COMPLAINED ABOUT YOU IN TEXT
MESSAGES TO MY FRIENDS.
>> I SHOULD HAVE SAID HEIGHTS.
>> I'LL SAY.
MOVING ON TO THE GREENS.
ABBY, WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S
GREATEST FEAR?
>> WELL, YOU WON'T SEE THIS MAN
AT A PICNIC.
IT'S BEES.
>> OH, SHOOT.
I SAID LOSING THE KIDS.
>> NO POINTS, BUT THE GREENS ARE
TRYING THEIR BEST.
NEXT QUESTION IS FOR THE LODIS.
WHAT'S SOMETHING YOUR HUSBAND
HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW?
>> STILL A LITTLE THROWN BY THAT
LAST ONE.
BUT THIS ONE'S EASY.
DO ALIENS EXIST.
>> OKAY.
AND NICK SAID HE'S ALWAYS WANTED
TO KNOW -- IF POLICE CAN STILL
READ YOUR TEXT MESSAGES IF YOU
DESTROY YOUR WIFE'S PHONE RIGHT
AFTER YOUR WIFE IS CRUSHED BY
THE GARAGE DOOR OR EQUIVALENT
ACCIDENT.
>> NICK, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
TEXTING?
>> WHOOPS.
OVER TO ABBY.
WHAT'S SOMETHING YOUR HUSBAND
HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW?
>> WELL, I THINK THIS ONE WILL
GET US BACK ON TRACK, IF THERE'S
AN AFTERLIFE.
>> SOUNDS CONFIDENT.
BRIAN SAID -- WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO BE WITH A MAN.
>> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT ON TV,
BABE?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAVE TO SHOW
OUR ANSWERS TO EVERYONE.
>> AND THE GREENS CONTINUE TO BE
ODD BUT PLEASANT PEOPLE.
NEXT QUESTION FOR THE LODIS.
WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FIGHT
ABOUT?
>> OKAY.
I KNOW THIS ONE.
THE HAWAII INCIDENT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
NICK SAYS THE HAWAII INCIDENT,
AND NICOLE SAYS THE TIME WE WERE
IN HAWAII ON TOP OF A WATERFALL
AND I WANTED TO JUMP IN, BUT YOU
HELD ME BACK AND WOULDN'T LET ME
DO IT UNTIL THERE WERE OTHER
PEOPLE AROUND.
FIVE POINTS AWAY.
>> THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T LET
ME JUMP?
>> ALL RIGHT.
THAT SOUND MEANS IT'S TIME FOR A
BONUS QUESTION.
THIS ONE'S FOR NICOLE.
WHERE IS A PLACE YOUR HUSBAND
HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT?
>> I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE I DON'T
EVEN KNOW THIS MAN.
BUT I GUESS HE ALWAYS SAID
DURANGO.
>> YES, BABY, YES.
>> OKAY.
FINALLY.
>> AND WHAT'S WITH THE DOT, DOT,
DOT?
WHEN I'M WRONGLY ACCUSED OF YOUR
DEATH, I'LL TURN TO THE ONLY
LAWYER I KNOW WHO WOULD POSSIBLY
BELIEVE ME, YOUR COLLEGE
ROOMMATE STEPHANIE.
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE JURY
RETURNS THE VERDICT REALIZING
THE SITUATION IS HOPELESS, WE'LL
GO ON THE RUN TOGETHER ACROSS
THE BORDER.
WHEN WE GET TO OUR HOTEL ROOM,
WE SEE THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE
BED.
SHE CALLS THE FRONT DESK TO
COMPLAIN, BUT I SEE SHE'S
HOLDING DOWN THE BUTTON, AND
THAT'S HOW I KNOW IT'S ON.
FINDING OURSELVES IN A PLACE
BEYOND RIGHT AND WRONG, WE MAKE
LOVE AND REACH A NEW APEX OF
HUMAN PLEASURE.
TODAY MIGHT BE MY LAST DAY OF
FREEDOM, AND I ACT ACCORDINGLY.
DRIPPING IN SWEAT, TEN YEARS OF
SECRET LONGING, WE STARE AT THE
CEILING.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS TOWN
AGAIN, I WHISPER.
DURANGO, SHE SAYS.
AND THEN SHE MOUNTS ME ONCE
MORE.
SO YOU BOTH SAID DURANGO.
WHICH MEANS LODIS, YOU HAVE WON
OUR GRAND PRIZE.
>> WE DID IT!
>> WE WON, BABY.
>> PACK YOUR HEAD LAMPS BECAUSE
YOU JUST WON A ROMANTIC NIGHT
TIME COUPLES WALK ALONG THE
CLIFFS OF DOVER.
>> NO THANK YOU.
>> YOU HAVE TO.
>> NO.
NO.
PLEASE, NO.
>>> WE TOOK HIM TO THIS LIKE
CANINE REHAB CENTER, AND HE'S
DOING A LOT BETTER.
>> YO, DUDES WHAT'S UP?
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT I
WAS JUST WITH TRAVIS SCOTT, AND
HE WANTS TO TAKE US OUT TONIGHT.
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> DUDE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A
TWISTED ROCKIN' BALL WITH TRAVIS
SCOTT, MAN.
>> WHAT?
>> LIKE A TWISTED -- UM, WHY
DON'T WE JUST GO?
♪ OOH, YO, YEAH, IT'S LIT ♪
♪ ON OUR WAY TO THE FUNCTION,
WE'RE SMOKIN' BLUNTS AND FEELIN'
SO ALIVE, ALL THE HONEYS LOOKIN'
SCRUMPTIOUS ♪
♪ AIN'T THAT SOMETHING, MY
HATERS DONE IN, I'M WITH TRAVIS
SCOTT AND RAMY YOUSSEF SMOKIN'
DUMB SPLIFFS ♪
♪ YEAH, WE SMOKIN' WEED, BISH,
SO MANY TREES, BISH ♪
♪ I AM GETTING HIGH LIKE I'M
SITTIN' ON A SKI LIFT, WE
GETTIN' FADED, WE FEEL AMAZIN',
OUR LIFE'S LIKE A MOVIE ♪
♪ NAH, IT'S LIKE A PAINTIN' ♪
♪ IT'S LIT ♪
>> HEY, BOYS, BET THE HATERS
WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU NOW, HUH?
♪ I THINK WE GOT TOO HIGH,
SMOKED TOO MUCH AND GOT SCARED,
HAVEN'T SMOKED SINCE HIGH
SCHOOL, THIS IS NOT FUN ♪
♪ IF I CLOSE MY EYES AM I STILL
LIKE HERE, AM I STANDING NORMAL,
WHERE'S RAMY? ♪
♪ HE DID NOT SMOKE MAN, I BET
HE'S FEELING AWESOME, WHY DID I
WEAR SHORTS ♪
>> STRAIGHT UP LOOKING GOOFY!
♪ HAD SO MUCH TIME TO CHANGE ♪
>> BUT YOU DIDN'T!
♪ I DON'T EVEN SMOKE WEED, THIS
IS PURE ANXIETY, AND WHY'D I SAY
THAT THING BEFORE ♪
>> LET'S HAVE A TWISTED ROCKIN'
BALL WITH TRAVIS SCOTT!
♪ A TWISTED ROCKIN' BALL, THAT'S
NOT A PHRASE, MAN, REALLY HOPING
EVERYONE FORGOT THAT I SAID
THAT ♪
♪ WHAT DID TWISTED BALL MEAN,
A WEIRD JOKE, I ASSUME, OH, MY
GOD I'M IN
THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM ♪
♪ HEY, DO YOU HATE ME, YOU CAN
TELL ME, BUT I'D FEEL BETTER IF
YOU HELD ME LIKE A BABY ♪
♪ TRIPPIN' OUT THINKIN' BOUT MY
MOM AND MY DAD, I CANNOT BELIEVE
I CAME OUT OF HER VAG, HOLD UP,
HOLD UP ♪
♪ I JUST FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE,
AND WHY'D I BRING MY BACKPACK,
MY ROLLING BACKPACK ♪
♪ I'M WEARING SHORTS, SOBER,
♪ MAN, WHY'D I BRING THEM,
THEY'RE ACTING CRAZY, AND WHY IS
THAT GUY BEING HELD LIKE A
BABY ♪
♪ I'M OVER IT, THEY ONLY TOOK
ONE HIT, AND WHAT IS RAMY
YOUSSEF DOING WITH THOSE
NAPKINS ♪
♪ I SOLVED THE SHORTS PROBLEM,
I'M MAKING NAPKIN PANTS, I JUST
CALLED MY MOM SHE'S GONNA SEND
AN AMBULANCE ♪
>> SO YOU'RE SAYING IT WAS JUST
CBD?
>> I'M AFRAID SO, YES.
>> SO THAT MAKES US?
>> WELL THE MEDICAL TERM IS
GIGANTIC PUSSIES.
>> YEAH, RIGHT.
♪ I THINK WE GOT TOO HIGH ♪
>>> IT'S THE IMMIGRANT DAD TALK
SHOW.
>> WELCOME TO THE IMMIGRANT DAD
TALK SHOW.
THIS IS THE SHOW WHERE WE
TALKING ABOUT OUR CHILDRENS, THE
GOOD ONES --
>> AND THE SONS AS WELL.
>> I AM JOAQUIN ANTONIO, AND
WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS AHMED
MAHMOUD.
>> I'M GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING
ALLAH HAS GIVEN ME, EXCEPT MY
SON.
>> AMEN.
>> MY SON TREATS HIS DOG LIKE A
WIFE.
HE SLEEPS WITH THE DOG.
HE BUYS THE DOG GIFTS.
THE OTHER DAY I COME HOME, HE'S
BRUSHING THE DOG'S TEETH.
>> OH, NO.
BE CAREFUL.
HE'S GOING TO MARRY THE DOG.
BEFORE WE FORGET, TIME TO
INTRODUCE OUR SIDE KICK ON THE
GRILL, IFFE, HOW'S YOUR SON?
>> MY SON IS VERY BAD, MAN.
NO JOB, NO WIFE, NO KIDS, NO
HOUSE.
>> IFFE, HOW OLD IS YOUR SON?
>> HE'S 5.
>> UNGRATEFUL.
>> UNGRATEFUL LITTLE GUY.
BUT MY DAUGHTER, OH, MY
DAUGHTER, SHE'S A PERFECT ANGEL.
AND SHE'S FUNNY.
THE OTHER DAY, SHE TAKE MY
CREDIT CARD AND SPENT $12,000 IN
SEPHORA.
I LOVE IT BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT SEPHORA IS, AND I
DON'T EVEN HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY
FOR THIS.
SHE FUNNY, MAN, FUNNY.
>> OH, BROTHER.
THE OTHER DAY, MY DAUGHTER, SHE
BRINGS HOME FIVE CATS.
I'M ALLERGIC, BUT SHE SAYS,
THESE ARE OUR CATS NOW.
I LOVE IT.
I USED TO HAVE A HOUSE, NOW I
HAVE A ZOO AND RASHES ALL OVER
MY BODY.
>> IFFE, YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.
HOW IS YOUR DAUGHTER?
>> MY DAUGHTER IS SO ADORABLE.
SHE TAKES NAPS, SHE ASKS ME,
DADDY, COOK ME DINNER.
DRIVE ME AROUND.
GIVE ME ALLOWANCE.
>> AND HOW OLD IS YOUR DAUGHTER?
>> SHE'S 51.
>> WOW.
YOUR KIDS SO FAR APART.
OKAY.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF
MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS OF THE
SHOW.
WE'RE GOING TO DO --
>> THINGS OUR SONS LIKE THAT
THEY SHOULDN'T LIKE.
I'M GOING TO START.
COMPUTER.
WHY YOU LIKE THE COMPUTER?
HE SAY TO ME, I'M WORKING ON MY
THESIS.
I SAY, THESIS?
THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME!
GET A JOB.
UNGRATEFUL.
>> UNGRATEFUL.
I GO NEXT.
MY SON, YOU KNOW WHAT HE LOVES?
HE LOVES TO PAY FOR COFFEE.
I SAY, MAKE COFFEE AT HOME.
HE SAYS, NO, NO.
I WANT TO GO TO BROOKLYN AND PAY
$2,000 FOR ONE CUP OF COFFEE!
>> MY SON LOVE TO GO TO BROOKLYN
TO PAY $2,000 FOR A CUP OF
COFFEE.
>> MY SON LOVES BROOKLYN.
HE SAYS, BABA, I WANT TO LIVE IN
THE WORST PLACE IN THE BEST
PLACE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
OH, OH, IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST
GUEST.
BUT BEFORE THIS, WE WANT TO
THANK TODAY'S SPONSOR.
THE BELT!
>> WHY HAVE A CONVERSATION WHEN
YOU CAN JUST HIT 'EM WITH THE
BELT!
>> THE BELT, AVAILABLE
EVERYWHERE YOU BUY PANTS.
OKAY.
NOW, LET'S BRING OUT OUR FIRST
GUEST.
IT'S ANOTHER DAD WHO JUST MOVING
INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
PLEASE WELCOME KEVIN.
>> HEY, HEY, GANG.
HI.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
HOLA.
AND -- YOUR THING.
>> JUST TELL US ABOUT YOUR
CHILDREN.
>> WELL, I'VE GOT ONE DAUGHTER
AND ONE SON.
>> OH, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THE
BOY.
>> WELL, ACTUALLY, I LOVE MY
SON.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
>> FRIEND?
HOW CAN A SON BE A FRIEND?
NO, NO.
YOUR SON IS A PIECE OF PROPERTY.
ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THE
MAILBOX?
>> AND WHAT DOES YOUR SON DO FOR
A JOB?
>> WELL, LITTLE FLEX.
HE JUST STARTED DOING A THING
CALLED PAR CORE.
>> OH, HE PARK CARS LIKE A
VALET.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S A GOOD JOB.
>> OH, NO.
IT'S PAR CORE.
HE GOES OUT IN THE STREET AND
LIKE TUMBLES OVER STUFF.
>> AND HE GETS PAID FOR THIS?
>> WELL, IN A WAY, NO.
BUT IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.
YOU GOT TO SEE IT.
CONNOR, COME OUT AND SHOW THEM
YOUR PAR CORE.
UH-OH, UH-OH.
THERE HE GOES.
WOW!
GREAT JOB, SON.
>> THANKS, DAD.
>> AHH!
>> OH, MY GOD!
MY FRIEND HAVING SEX WITH HIS
SON!
>> NO, THAT'S NOT SEX.
IT'S JUST HOW WE SHOW AFFECTION.
WE'VE DONE IT SINCE HE WAS A
BABY.
>> HE'S HAD SEX WITH HIM SINCE
HE WAS A BABY.
>> IT'S NOT SEX.
>> LOOKS LIKE SEX.
>> IT'S NOT SEX.
>> IT LOOKY LIKE SEX.
>> IT'S NOT.
IT DON'T LOOKY LIKE SEX.
CONNOR, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
THESE GUYS DON'T GET IT.
COME ON.
GIDDY UP.
>> WELL, THAT IS ALL THE TIME
THAT WE ARE HAVING FOR IMMIGRANT
DAD TALK.
>> AND UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,
ALWAYS REMEMBER --
>> HIT 'EM WITH THE BELT!
>>> AND THAT'S HALF TIME WITH VALLEY HIGH LEADING HILLSIDE BY 30 POINTS.
>> ALL RIGHT.
Y'ALL SEE THE SCORE?
WE'RE PLAYING LIKE SOME PUNKS
OUT THERE.
AS YOUR COACH, I'VE GIVEN YOU
SPEECH AFTER SPEECH, BUT CLEARLY
SOMETHING ISN'T GETTING THROUGH.
SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO HEAR FROM
ONE OF YOUR OWN.
CAPTAIN.
>> YEAH, COACH.
GUYS, WE SHOULD BE UP BY 20
POINTS RIGHT NOW, BUT WE'RE
GETTING OUR ASSES KICKED BECAUSE
WE'RE NOT FOCUSED ON THE
FUNDAMENTALS.
>> FUNDAMENTALS.
>> WE LOST TO CANYON HIGH LAST
WEEK.
MILLER'S OUT WITH AN ANKLE
SPRAIN, AND ON TUESDAY, COACH
ACCIDENTALLY SENT THAT WEIRD
PICTURE OF HIMSELF TO THE TEAM
GROUP CHAT INSTEAD OF HIS WIFE.
BUT WE GOT TO MOVE PAST THAT.
>> IT'S IN THE PAST, GENTLEMEN.
>> I MEAN, LOOK, DID I WANT TO
SEE COACH WEARING ONLY A FUR
THONG AND CAT EARS ON ALL FOURS
LICKING MILK OUT OF A BOWL?
NO.
BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE TO NOT PLAY
MY ASS OFF TONIGHT.
>> NO EXCUSE!
>> AND, YEAH, DID IT SUCK THAT
COACH DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE HAD
DONE AND SENT EVEN MORE PICTURES
TO THE GROUP?
YES, IT SUCKED.
BUT WE CAN'T BE THINKING ABOUT
THAT RIGHT NOW.
>> IT'S JUST SOMETHING MY WIFE
AND I DO, GENTLEMEN.
WE GOT TO MOVE ON FROM THAT.
STOP THINKING ABOUT MY PICS.
>> I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR
PICS, COACH.
I'M THINKING ABOUT THE VIDEO OF
YOU GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN THE
LITTER BOX.
>> ME TOO.
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY COACH'S
WIFE GETS TURNED ON BY THAT, ALL
RIGHT?
SHE LIKES SEEING HIM GO TO THE
BATHROOM IN A LITTER BOX.
THAT'S IT.
>> 26 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, FELLAS.
YOU NEED TO MIX IT UP SOMETIMES.
>> CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
I'M SORRY I POSTED COACH'S VIDEO
ON TIKTOK.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AI.
>> WE KNOW THAT, RODRIGUES.
THE POINT IS NONE OF US HAVE AN
EXCUSE TO BE PLAYING THIS BAD
EXCEPT FOR CHRIS BECAUSE COACH
IS HIS DAD.
>> DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT MY BOY.
HE'S GOING TO TURN IT ON IN THE
SECOND HALF.
>> SIR, I WANT TO FOCUS.
BUT IT'S KIND OF HARD WHEN THE
OTHER TEAM'S FANS KEEP LIKE
SHINING LASER POINTERS ON THE
FLOOR TRYING TO GET COACH TO
CHASE THEM.
>> WHICH I WON'T.
>> SORRY, A PACKAGE HERE FOR
COACH WILLIAMS.
>> MAN, THIS BETTER NOT BE
ANOTHER ONE OF THEM -- IT IS.
KITTY LITTER.
Y'ALL SEE THIS?
THIS IS THE OTHER TEAM TRYING TO
GET INTO OUR HEADS, AND IT
WASN'T FUNNY THE FIRST TEN
TIMES.
IT'S NOT FUNNY NOW.
>> LOOK, WE CAN STILL WIN THIS,
ALL RIGHT?
BUT WE GOT TO PLAY BETTER
DEFENSE.
SO WHOEVER YOU'RE COVERING, BE
ON THEM.
WHEREVER THEY GO, JUST FOLLOW
THEM.
JUST LIKE HOW WHEREVER THE COACH
GOES, THE STATE APPOINTED SOCIAL
WORKER GOES.
>> DON'T MIND ME.
JUST MAKING SURE EVERYBODY FEELS
SAFE.
>> GUYS, WHAT IS COACH FAMOUS
FOR SAYING?
>> THIS NAUGHTY KITTY CRAVES
DISCIPLINE.
>> NO, NOT FROM THE CAT VIDEOS.
FROM WHAT HE SAYS IN PRACTICE.
>> OH, PLAY THE GAME, NOT THE
SCORE.
>> EXACTLY.
SO WHEN WE GO OUT THERE FOR THE
SECOND HALF, LET'S SHOW UP JUST
LIKE COACH SHOWED UP FOR US
TODAY EVEN THOUGH ALL OF OUR
PARENTS ASKED HIM NOT TO.
>> THANK YOU, NATE.
YOU KNOW, GENTLEMEN, I'M GOING
TO BE REAL WITH YOU.
WHEN I REALIZED WHAT I HAD DONE,
I CONSIDERED GETTING INTO MY CAR
AND DRIVING OFF TO START A NEW
LIFE SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT I
COULDN'T LEAVE MY TEAM.
COULDN'T LEAVE MY SON.
AND I KNOW THAT ONE DAY, HE'S
GOING TO EVENTUALLY TALK AGAIN.
AND WHEN HE DOES, THE FIRST
WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH ARE NOT
GOING TO BE, DAD, I WANT TO GO
LIVE WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.
THEY'RE GOING TO BE, DAD, WE'RE
STATE CHAMPIONS.
NOW LET'S GET OUT THERE AND GET
THIS WIN AND MAKE SOME
HEADLINES.
>> YEAH!
>>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR
SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, FASTING FOR RAMADAN
USED TO BE EASY, BUT THE LAST
FEW YEARS WITH WORK AND A
GROWING FAMILY, IT'S FELT ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE.
BUT NOT ANYMORE.
THANKS TO OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN.
>> OZEMPIC IS A MEDICATION
PRESCRIBED TO SUPPRESS HUNGER
AND SLOW DIGESTION, AND RAMADAN
IS A MONTH WHERE MUSLIMS SUSTAIN
FROM FOOD AND WATER FROM SUNRISE
TO SUNSET.
>> I USED TO RUSH TO EAT A WHOLE
MEAL BEFORE DAWN.
NOW I JUST GRAB MY PRAYER BEADS
AND OZEMPIC NEEDLES.
AS LONG AS I SHOOT UP BEFORE THE
SUN RISES, IT'S ALL GOOD.
>> SINCE MY GR DOCTOR PRESCRIBED
OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN, I'VE NEVER
GOTTEN MORE WORK DONE.
WHILE MY COWORKERS ARE AT LUNCH,
I'M ON GOOGLE SHEETS GOING HAM.
>> RUNNING MY FOOD CART DURING
RAMADAN IS REALLY HARD, SMELLING
ALL MY DELICIOUS MEATS AND 48
HOUR MARINADES ON MY BUTTER
GRILL -- WITH OZEMPIC FOR
RAMADAN, NOW I DON'T EVEN GET
HANGRY WHEN WHITE WOMEN ASK IF I
HAVE SALMON.
>> SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE
NAUSEA, HEADACHE, AND GOING
STRAIGHT TO HELL.
>> I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE SOUND
OF CAB DRIVERS YELLING ON THEIR
PHONE IN ISLAMIC, AND IT MADE ME
WANT TO CONVERT.
THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK
WAS FASTING.
BUT NOW I CAN WALK INTO THE
MOSQUE WITH A FULL HEART AND A
27-INCH WAIST.
BAM!
>> OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN HAS ALL
THE MIRACULOUS HUNGER-CRUSHING
INGREDIENTS THAT REGULAR OZEMPIC
HAS WITHOUT ANY PORK.
>> WHEN IT'S FINALLY TIME TO
EAT, I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY.
I THINK I'M GOING TO FAST THE
WHOLE MONTH STRAIGHT.
PROBABLY GET EXTRA AWARDS FROM
GOD.
>> AND FOR THOSE OF YOU CLAIMING
THIS IS THE EXACT PRODUCT
REBRANDED FOR A NEW MUSLIM
DEMOGRAPHIC, THAT'S
ISLAMAPHOBIC.
>> OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN.
YEAH, IT'S JUST OZEMPI
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TRAVIS SCOTT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ ONE THOUSAND ON MY FEET
STACKS SPREADED ON MY SEAT
TEN THOUSAND ON MY EYES
ROLLIE POLLIE ON MY WRIST ♪
♪ GOTTA MAKE A FLIGHT
BIG DAY
SLUMMIN' ON FACETIME
FIFTY K, WONDERIN' WHY I'M ♪
♪ STORMIN' OFF, NO RACE
EMBOLDENED BY THE BLISS
I WAS SWORN IN BY A KISS
LATE FROM THE ♪
♪ COUNTRY CATERS
NO PEACEMAKER
I SWEEP UP CASES
GOIN' ON A WALK WITH ♪
♪ A NEW SUIT ARMOR
NEW SUIT DEAD, BOTTEGA
THAT'S ON IT
HUMIDITY FROM THE SLEEP ♪
♪ THEN I HARM HER
CUPID CREEP IN
SLEEP WITH A
THREE TIME TO ♪
♪ GET ME T-T-T'D
STILL SAME PHONE, AT&T-T
STILL GIVIN' NEWS
VERY VIVIDLY ♪
♪ BEEF IN THERE, -- A BEEF
SMOKIN' ON SOME VICIOUS
TYPE OF REEFER
I NEED NO BEEF, NO CHEESE ♪
♪ YEAH EVEN WHEN I EAT
THEY CHEAT YEAH
EVERY TIME WE MEET, NAIVE
YEAH, YEAH, OH ♪
♪♪
♪ ONE THOUSAND ON MY FEET
STACKS SPREADED ON MY SEAT
TEN THOUSAND ON MY EYES
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ LOOK IN MY EYES
TELL ME A TALE
DO YOU SEE THE ROAD
THE MAP TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ LOOK, TELL ME THE SIGNS
WHENEVER THE SMOKE CLEAR
OUT OF MY FACE
AM I PICTURE-PERFECT ♪
♪ OR DO I LOOK FRIED
ALL OF THAT GREEN
AND YELLOW, THAT DRIP FROM
YOUR EYES IS TELLIN' ♪
♪ TELL YOU DEMISE
I WENT TO MY SIDE
TO PUSH BACK THE CEILIN'
AND PUSH BACK THE FEELINGS ♪
♪ I HAD TO DECIDE
I REPLAY THEM NIGHTS
AND RIGHT BY MY SIDE
ALL I SEE IS A SEA OF ♪
♪ PEOPLE THAT RIDE WIT' ME
IF THEY JUST KNEW WHAT
SCOTTY WOULD DO TO JUMP
OFF THE STAGE AND ♪
♪ SAVE HIM A CHILD
THE THINGS I CREATED
BECAME THE MOST WEIGHTED
I GOTTA FIND BALANCE ♪
♪ AND KEEP ME INSPIRED
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
THAT -- WILD
INSTEAD I'M A HERO ♪
♪ I TOOK IT FROM ZERO
LAFLAME USAIN
I RUN IT FROM MILES
THIS -- WASN'T LUCK ♪
♪ THEY GOT ME -- UP
I PUT YOU ON BUS AND
TAKE YOU AROUND
A COUPLE OF GUYS INSIDE ♪
♪ OF THE SCHOOL
I GAVE 'EM THE TOOLS
TO GET IT OFF GROUND
THEY SAY THEY THE ONES ♪
♪ WHEN THEY MAKE THE ERRORS
CAN'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR
THAT -- WILD
STAND ON THE STAGE ♪
♪ I GIVE 'EM THE RAGE
NO TURNIN' IT DOWN
CAN'T TAME IT
CAN'T FOLLOW IT ♪
♪ WE DO IT FOR STREETS
WE DO IT FOR KEEPS
WE DO IT FOR RIGHTS
GOT 52 WEEKS ♪
♪ THIS -- AIN'T FOR PLEASURE
I'M COMIN' TO TWEAK
THIS -- IS FOREVER
AND INFINITY ♪
♪ NUMBER EIGHT YEAH WE WRITE
IT AND WRAP IT AROUND
I TAKE ME BEAT AND
I TURN TO A BEAST ♪
♪ BOUGHT THE CRIB ON A HILL
MADE IT HARDER TO REACH
BOUGHT A COUPLE MORE WHIPS
YEAH BOUGHT A COUPLE MORE ♪
♪ WATCHES YEAH
DIDN'T BUY THE CONDO YEAH
MADE A CAST OF MY YEAH
BOUGHT A COUPLE MORE ♪
♪ IF I GAVE YOU A DAY IN MY
LIFE OR A DAY IN MY EYES
DON'T BLINK ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, OH, OH, OH
YEAH, YEAH ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, FOUR PRESIDENTS VISITED
NEW YORK CITY AT THE SAME TIME
ON THURSDAY.
THREE TO DO A JOINT FUND RAISER
AT RADIO CITY, AND ONE SELLING
BIBLES DOOR TO DOOR.
DONALD TRUMP HAS PARTNERED WITH
COUNTRY MUSIC STAR LEE GREENWOOD
TO SELL A $60 EDITION OF THE
BIBLE THAT ALSO INCLUDES THE
CONSTITUTION, THE LYRICS TO
GREENWOOD'S GOD BLESS THE USA
AND I ASSUME GOD'S LETTER OF
RESIGNATION.
THIS BIBLE IS MOSTLY THE SAME,
BUT TRUMP'S VERSION ENDS WITH
JESUS' DISCIPLES STORMING
JERUSALEM TO OVERTURN THE
RESULTS OF THE CRUCIFIXION.
TRUMP ALSO POSTED THIS VIDEO
URGING HIS FOLLOWERS TO BUY IT.
>> ALL AMERICANS NEED A BIBLE IN
THEIR HOME, AND I HAVE MANY.
>> MANY.
I ACTUALLY BELIEVE HE HAS MANY
BIBLES.
I'M SURE HE'S BEEN SENT
THOUSANDS OF BIBLES WITH A NOTE
THAT SAYS, PLEASE READ THIS.
>> MORE THAN 5,000 PEOPLE
ATTENDED A DEMOCRATIC FUND
RAISER AT RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL
FEATURING BIG NAME CELEBRITIES
LIKE BARACK OBAMA, STEVEN
COLBERT, AND LIZZO.
>> FRANCIS KEY SCOTT BRIDGE
COLLAPSED AFTER IT WAS STRUCK BY
A CARGO SHIP THAT WAS
CARRYING -- YOU WON'T BELIEVE
IT -- BOEING AIRPLANES.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID ON
FRIDAY THAT HE WOULD VISIT THE
SITE OF THE BALTIMORE BRIDGE
COLLAPSE, BECAUSE LIKE THAT
BRIDGE, BIDEN IS NO LONGER
CONNECTING WITH THE BLACK
COMMUNITIES.
>> WOW.
>> GOT TO READ THE POLLS, COLIN.
>> DONALD TRUMP SHARED A VIDEO
FRIDAY OF A TRUCK DRIVING IN
LONG ISLAND WITH A PICTURE ON
THE BACK OF PRESIDENT BIDEN TIED
UP WITH A ROPE.
AND I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHERE
TO GET ONE OF THOSE BECAUSE IF
YOU HAVE THAT ON THE BACK OF
YOUR CAR, YOU ARE NEVER GETTING
PULLED OVER BY A COP.
>> NBC NEWS CUT TIES WITH RONNA
McDANIEL AFTER MANY NETWORK
HOSTS PROTESTED HER HIRING.
I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED ONLY
BECAUSE I THOUGHT RONNA McDANIEL
WAS A DRAG VERSION OF RONALD
McDONALD.
>> FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON
DeSANTIS, SEEN HERE REMEMBERING
HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN,
SIGNED A BILL THAT WILL BAN
SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS FOR
YOUNGER TEENAGERS.
BUT FLORIDA'S OLDER TEENAGERS
CAN KEEP THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA
ACCOUNTS BECAUSE THEY NEED A
PLACE TO POST THEIR SONOGRAMS.
>> LA DODGERS STAR SHOHEI OHTANI
WAS FORCED TO FIRE HIS
INTERPRETER OVER A GAMBLING
ALLEGATION.
WHEN REACHED OUT FOR COMMENT,
OHTANI SAID SOMETHING IN
JAPANESE.
I DON'T KNOW.
NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT HE SAID.
>> THE CEO OF BOEING ANNOUNCED
HE'S STEPPING DOWN IN THE WAKE
OF THE COMPANY'S ONGOING SAFETY
ISSUES, AND ON HIS WAY OUT, HE
HELD UP A BUNCH OF NUTS AND
BOLTS AND SAID GOOD LUCK
FIGURING THIS OUT.
>> VICE-PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS
PRAISED BEYONCE FOR HER NEW
COUNTRY ALBUM SAYING SHE'S
RECLAIMED COUNTRY MUSIC'S BLOCK
ROOTS.
UM, I'M SORRY, HOOTTY!
NO LOVE FOR HOOTIE.
>> FOLLOWING KATE MIDDLETON'S
ANNOUNCEMENT LAST WEEK, MANY
CAME UNDER FIRE FOR SPREADING
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT KATE.
HERE TO COMMENT IS TIKTOKER
PIPER DUNSTER.
>> HI, COLIN.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON ALL
THESE KATE THEORISTS ON SOCIAL
MEDIA?
>> THEY'RE SO MESSED UP.
YOU ALL SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELVES.
YOU COULDN'T GIVE THIS WOMAN ONE
OUNCE OF PRIVACY?
ALSO, I'M SORRY, BUT SOME OF
THEIR THEORIES ARE JUST DUMB.
>> I ACTUALLY WATCHED A COUPLE
OF YOUR TIKTOKS FROM A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO.
>> WHEN YOU REALIZE THE LETTERS
IN CADE MIDDLETON REARRANGED
SPELL NAKED TIT MODEL.
>> UM, SO, YEAH, I BRIEFLY
HOPPED ON THE BRAND WAGON, BUT
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.
I'M A STAY AT HOME MOM WHO
PREFERS NOT TO THINK ABOUT HER
KIDS.
THIS IS ALL I HAVE.
BUT I SWEAR, NORMALLY, I AM VERY
CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I PEST ON
SOCIAL MEDIA.
>> LET'S FLIP THROUGH A COUPLE
OF YOUR TIKTOKS.
THERE'S THIS ONE FROM 2022.
>> FINALLY, A POLITICIAN WE CAN
BELIEVE IN.
TWO WORDS, GEORGE SANTOS.
>> THERE WAS THAT.
AND THERE WAS ALSO THIS ONE FROM
THE SUMMER.
>> GUYS, YOU'VE GOT TO GET ON
THE WAIT LIST FOR THE TITANIC
SUBMERSIBLE.
WHOO.
THERE'S A WAIT LIST.
>> YEAH.
THERE'S ALSO THIS ONE FROM THIS
WEEK.
>> MANHATTAN GIRLIES, LISTEN
HERE, LISTEN HERE, GET OUT OF
YOUR APARTMENT AND GO FOR A
WALK.
I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE
WORST IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU?
YOU GET PUNCHED?
>> DOESN'T AGE WELL A WEEK IN.
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE FROM 2019.
>> OKAY.
FOR EVERYONE ASKING IN THE
COMMENTS, THE SECRET TO MY
CASSEROLE, WET MARKET BAT.
OKAY.
I'LL ADMIT, MY TIKTOK TAKES ARE
A LITTLE QUESTIONABLE.
BUT, HEY, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT
SIDE.
PRETTY SOON THEY MIGHT BAN THE
APP, AND THEN ALL MY FLOP
PREDICTIONS WILL BE ERASED FROM
THE INTERNET.
>> RIGHT BECAUSE WE ALSO FOUND
YOUR OLD MYSPACE PAGE.
I'M GOING TO MARRY MY FAVORITE
MEMBER OF NSYNC, LANCE BASS.
>> OKAY.
WELL, HE'S THE HOTTEST AND THE
STRAIGHTEST.
>> OKAY.
TIKTOKER PIPER DUNSTER,
EVERYONE.
>> CALL ME, LANCE!
>> CALL HER.
>> CALL ME!
>> A NUMBER OF SPORTS BARS
AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE PROMISING
TO ONLY SHOW WOMEN'S BASKETBALL
GAMES DURING MARCH MADNESS.
THE BARS ARE KNOWN COLLECTIVELY
AS -- THE EMPTY ONES.
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT STUMPY,
A BELOVED JAPANESE CHERRY
BLOSSOM TREE IN WASHINGTON D.C.
WILL BE CHOPPED DOWN BECAUSE OF
OLD AGE -- AND BECAUSE OF ITS
ACTIONS ON JANUARY 6th.
>> THE OSCAR WINNING MOVIE
"OPPENHEIMER" FINALLY PREMIERED
YESTERDAY IN JAPAN -- WITHOUT
WARNING.
>> ONE PERSON SHRIEKED.
FANS OF THE HOIFONG SAUCE IS
COMPLAINING THE CONDIMENT IS NOT
AS HOT AS IT USED TO BE.
AND YET EVERYONE MAKES UPSET
WHEN I MAKE THE SAME COMPLAINT
ABOUT THE CAST OF "STRANGER
THINGS."
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?
IT WAS REPORTED THAT FOR THE
FIRST TIME EVER, A ROBOTIC
POLICE DOG WAS SHOT IN THE LINE
OF DUTY.
WELL, NOW IT'S A ROBOTIC POLICE
DOG.
>> A SOCCER MATCH BETWEEN THE
U.S. AND MEXICO WAS BRIEFLY
STOPPED BECAUSE OF HOMOPHOBIC
CHANTS FROM THE CROWD.
MEANWHILE, HOMOPHOBIC CHANTS ARE
OFFICIALLY HOW YOU START GAMES
IN BOSTON.
>> P EXPERTS ARE WARNING
PEOPLE NOT TO BRING THEIR DOGS
TO WATCH NEXT MONTH'S SOLAR
ECLIPSE SAYING IT COULD BE TOO
STRESSFUL FOR THEM.
PET EXPERTS ALSO WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR
REAL WORK.
>> AN ELDERLY WOMAN IN ENGLAND
WHO SPENT THE NIGHT CARING FOR A
SICK HEDGE HOG WAS SHOCKED WHEN
SHE TOOK THE ANIMAL TO THE VET
AND DISCOVERED IT WAS ACTUALLY A
POM PO FROM A HAT.
SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO
LAUGH ABOUT THE INCIDENT WITH
HER HUSBAND.
>> THAT'S SWEET.
I LIKE THAT.
>> THAT'S NICE.
IN OTHER ANIMAL NEWS, AFTER
FLACO, THE FAMOUS NEW YORK CITY
OWL FLEW INTO A BUILDING AND
DIED, AN AUTOPSY REVEALED HE HAD
DANGEROUS AMOUNTS OF RAT POISON
IN HIS SYSTEM AS WELL AS A
SEVERE CASE OF PIGEON HERPES.
HERE WITH HER REACTION TO THE
NEWS IS FLACO'S WIDOW.
>> HI, COLIN.
I WISH I COULD BE HERE UNDER
BETTER CIRCUMSTANCES.
>> YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS
THE ONLY CIRCUMSTANCE YOU WOULD
BE HERE UNDER.
SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR LATE HUSBAND.
>> WHO?
>> YOUR LATE HUSBAND FLACO.
>> OH, SORRY.
I THOUGHT I SAW A MOUSE.
HOO, HOO, HOO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
FLACO'S AUTOPSY REVEALING HE HAD
A SEVERE CASE OF PIGEON HERPES?
>> THAT'S WHAT EVERY WIDOW WANTS
TO HEAR, YOUR DEAD HUSBAND HAD
SEVERE HERPES.
BY THE WAY, WHY WAS THERE EVEN
AN AUTOPSY?
WHEN A BIRD BASICALLY EXPLODES
INTO THE SIDE OF A BUILDING,
WHO'S LIKE, HOW DID HE DIE?
>> WELL, SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT
AUTOPSIES CAN HELP BRING A SENSE
OF CLOSURE.
>> YEAH, BUT THE PHRASE PIGEON
HERPES KIND OF RAISES MORE
QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS, COLIN.
QUESTIONS LIKE IS THAT WHAT MY
BUMPS ARE?
AND HOW DID HE GET PIGEON HERPES
WHEN THE ONLY PIGEON WE KNEW WAS
OUR SEXY NANNY, AND WHY IS THE
MEDIA ALWAYS TEARING GREAT MEN
DOWN.
YOU KNOW?
IT'S ALWAYS FDR HAD A MISTRESS,
OR MLK HAD A MISTRESS, OR COLIN
JOST HAD AN UNDERAGED MISTRESS
OR FLACO WENT BLIND FROM SEVERE
HERPES.
>> WAIT.
WHAT?
>> WHO?
>> WHO, WHO, WHO?
LOOK, COLIN, I'M NO DUMMY.
FLACO BANGED ANYTHING WITH A
PAIR OF WINGS.
I MEAN, EAGLES, PARROTS, FLYING
SQUIRRELS.
I ONCE CAUGHT HIM DIPPING TIP IN
A FROZEN TURKEY.
AND I BET HE'S UP IN HEAVEN
RIGHT NOW PUTTING IT DOWN IN ONE
OF THOSE ANGELS.
BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, COLIN.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU'RE
MARRIED TO A BIG-TIME CELEBRITY.
THEY GET TO HAVE SEX WITH
WHOEVER THEY WANT, AND THERE'S
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT,
RIGHT, BROTHER?
>> THEMS THE RULES.
>> WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE
PIGEONS?
IT'S HUMILIATING.
THEY'RE A BUNCH OF CRUMB-PECKING
SKANKS.
I GET IT.
THEIR NECK GAME IS INSANE.
>> OKAY.
>> HOO, HOO, HOO.
>> I'M -- YOU NO, I'M REALLY
SORRY.
I KNOW THIS MUST BE TOUGH FOR
YOU.
>> EW, COLIN, ARE YOU COMING ON
TO ME?
>> NO, I'M NOT.
>> YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND JUST
DIED, RIGHT?
>> OKAY.
I'M SORRY.
>> ALTHOUGH, YOU ARE MY TYPE.
>> WHAT TYPE IS THAT?
>> A NOCTURNAL PREDATOR.
>> FLACO'S WIDOW, EVERYONE.
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I
>>> OKAY, PARKER. WHAT DO WE GOT? >> LOOKS LIKE A MUGGING,
DETECTIVE.
HE WAS PICKING UP A PIZZA WHEN
HE WAS STRUCK FROM BEHIND.
>> WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT
THE VIC?
>> NO ID YET.
HE'S MALE.
WE'RE THINKING MID 40s.
>> SHOULD GET ID RESULTS SOON.
>> POOR BASTARD WAS JUST PICKING
UP A PIZZA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, SIMS?
>> I THINK -- HE SHOULD'VE
ORDERED DELIVERY.
>> YEAH.
SO, BASED ON THE STATE OF THE
BODY, I WOULD PUT TIME OF DEATH
MAYBE YESTERDAY, 5:00 P.M.
>> SO HE'S BEEN SITTING OUT HERE
ALL NIGHT.
>> YEAH.
NO SIGNS OF A STRUGGLE.
POOR GUY DIDN'T EVEN SEE HIM
COMING.
>> HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
>> NOT GREAT.
THE GUY'S DEAD.
>> YEAH.
TOTALLY.
POOR GUY.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M
THINKING THIS GUY -- SHOULD'VE
ORDERED DELIVERY.
>> YEAH, MAN.
WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
>> OH, YOU DID?
>> YEAH.
YOU WERE RIGHT NEXT TO US.
>> OH, COOL.
JUST MAKING SURE BECAUSE YOU
GUYS DIDN'T REALLY LAUGH THE
FIRST TIME.
>> THERE ANY SIGNS OF THE MURDER
WEAPON ANYWHERE?
>> YEAH.
THIS PIPE WAS FOUND NEXT TO THE
BODY.
WE THINK THIS MIGHT BE IT.
>> PRETTY ROUGH SCENE, HUH?
>> YEAH.
PRETTY BAD.
>> I WAS JUST TELLING THESE
GUYS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT IF I WAS THIS GUY, I WOULD
HAVE ORDERED --
>> DELIVERY, YEAH.
SIMS, EVERYBODY HEARD YOUR JOKE,
MAN.
ALL RIGHT?
IT'S JUST NOT FUNNY.
WE DIDN'T LAUGH.
>> YEAH, SIMS, A MAN IS DEAD.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS ARE
RIGHT.
THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE, AND I'M
SORRY.
>> IT'S FINE.
JUST LET IT GO.
>> DETECTIVES, I'VE GOT THE ID
RESULTS.
THE VIC'S NAME IS RICHARD
TURKLE.
LIVES UP ON 133rd STREET.
>> AND DID MR. TURKLE HAVE ANY
KNOWN ENEMIES?
BECAUSE BASED ON THE CRIME
SCENE, IT'S CLEAR THAT SOMEBODY
WANTED A PIZZA HIM.
>> PIZZA HIM.
>> THAT'S HILARIOUS.
>> THAT'S FUNNY, BRO.
>> THANKS, GUYS.
IT JUST CAME TO ME.
I DON'T KNOW HOW.
IT'S SO FUNNY.
>> THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> SORRY, MAN.
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE.
>> NO.
NO.
IT WASN'T A JOKE.
IT WAS A PUN.
YOU'RE ALL CREAMING YOUR JEANS
FOR A PUN!
>> I'M SORRY.
NO MORE JOKES.
A MAN IS DEAD.
LET'S JUST HAVE SOME RESPECT.
>> I GOT MRS. TURKLE HERE, THE
WIDOW, TO CONFIRM IS ID.
>> IS THAT HIM?
IS THAT RICH?
>> WE THINK SO, MRS. TURKLE.
WE JUST NEED YOU TO CONFIRM.
>> WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM?
HE WAS THE ONLY MAN I EVER
LOVED.
HE MADE ME SMILE.
HE MADE ME LAUGH.
>> SENSE OF HUMOR.
THAT'S SO IMPORTANT.
IT'S GOOD THAT HE HAD ONE.
>> YEAH.
HE WAS ALWAYS SPREADING
LAUGHTER.
HE WAS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE.
>> A GUY WHO JUST WANTS TO MAKE
PEOPLE LAUGH.
MAYBE SOMETIMES SAYS THE WRONG
THING, BUT HE DON'T MEAN NO
HARM.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
>> NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER
LAUGH AGAIN.
>> I MEAN -- I WAS KIND OF
SAYING A JOKE TO THESE GUYS A
SECOND AGO.
>> DETECTIVE, NO.
>> NO, PLEASE, IT'S STRANGE, BUT
A JOKE WOULD BE NICE.
IT WOULD REMIND ME OF RICHARD.
>> I WAS JUST -- I WAS JUST
SAYING TO THESE GUYS BECAUSE OF
THE -- YOU NO, WE'RE AT A PIZZA
PLACE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M
LOOKING AROUND, AND I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M KIND OF
THINKING THIS GUY -- SHOULD'VE
ORDERED DELIVERY.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, TRAVIS SCOTT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪
♪ JUST COME OUTSIDE
FOR THE NIGHT
TAKE YOUR TIME
GET YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ JOHNNY DANG, YEAH, YEAH
I BEEN OUT GEEKIN' ♪
SHUT IT DOWN ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ THE CAREER'S MORE AT STAKE
WHEN YOU IN YOUR PRIME
-- THAT PAPER, BABY
MY FACE ON THE DOTTED LINE ♪
♪ I BEEN FLYIN' OUT OF TOWN
FOR SOME PEACE OF MIND
IT'S LIKE ALWAYS THEY JUST
WANT A PIECE OF MINE ♪
♪ I BEEN FOCUSED
ON THE FUTURE
NEVER ON RIGHT NOW
WHAT I'M SIPPIN' ♪
♪ NOT KOMBUCHA
EITHER PINK OR BROWN
I'M THE ONE THAT
INTRODUCED YOU TO THE ♪
♪ YOU RIGHT NOW YEAH
OH MY GOD
THAT -- BITIN'
OH MY GOD ♪
♪ TRYNA VIBE
IN THE NIGHT, COME ALIVE
AIN'T ASLEEP, AIN'T-A
AIN'T-A, AIN'T-A ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ SYRUP, WHAT, WOAH, WHAT
WHAT, YEAH
WHAT, YEAH ♪
♪♪
♪ I JUST BEEN POPPIN' MY
AND GETTIN' IT LIVE
HOLD UP WOAH
YEAH, YOU TRY TO COME ♪
♪ WRONG 'BOUT THIS
WE POPPIN' YOUR TIRES
HOLD UP
UH, HUNDRED-ROUND ♪ON TEN
PLAYIN' BOTH SIDES
SHAWTY, I'M -- YOUR FRIEND ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN GOIN' CRAZY
IN THE DEEP
♪ SHE NOT INNOCENT
SHE JUST TRYNA GO ♪EIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN, YEAH
OH, OH
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN ♪
♪ I JUST BEEN ICIN' MY
I JUST BEEN DRIPPIN'
THIS IS A WHOLE
'NOTHER LEVEL, SHAWTY ♪ I GOT T-
ON THEY TOES
ON THE ROAD, SHE TRYNA ♪
♪ ON THE O I GOT THIS -- WITH ME
SHE TRYNA SHOW ME SOMETHIN'
HOLD UP, HOLD UP ♪
♪ I GOT FLOWS FOR DAYS
THESE -- AIN'T ON NOTHIN'
ME AND MY BOY LOCKED IN
YOU KNOW WE ON ONE ♪
♪ WE IN THE SPOT GOIN' CRAZY
UNTIL THE SUN UP
YOU WORRIED ABOUT THAT
THAT -- DONE CHOSE UP ♪
♪ UH, PISTOLS ALL
IN THE KITCHEN
CAN'T GIVE THE
ZIP CODE UP WOW ♪
♪ FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
WHY THE -- THESE -- ACTIN'
LIKE THEY KNOW US
DOUBLE O, CACTUS YEAH ♪
♪ WE TOWED UP SKRRT SKRRT
SWITCH OUT THE BAG
THESE -- GET ROLLED UP
HOLD UP IT'S LIT ♪
♪ EVERYTHING HIT
EVERYTHING
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN
FEIN, FEIN, FEIN ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪ ♪ BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME ♪
>> LOVE THAT SONG.
>> YEAH.
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, NPR.
WE HAVE THE JONAH HUGHES BAND.
I'M JONAH HUGHES.
THAT LAST ONE USUALLY HAS A LOT
MORE SINGT, BUT SINCE THIS IS A
TINY DESK CONCERT, WE GOT TO BE
QUIRKING IT UP.
>> THAT'S WHY I PLAY A MILK
CARTON SHAKER.
>> SHE IS USUALLY ON THE CELLO.
NOW WE'RE JOINED BY OUR DRUMMER.
THE GOOSE.
>> QUACK.
I'M KIDDING.
GOOSE IS A NICKNAME.
MY SPECIES IS HUMAN.
>> GOOSE IS SO FUNNY, MAN.
WE'VE NEVER ACTUALLY PLAYED IN
AN OFFICE BEFORE, LIKE A REAL
ONE, BUT BEING HERE IS A DREAM
COME TRUE.
THE NEXT SONG IS ABOUT AN EX OF
MINE.
IT'S CALLED, CRAZY GIRL,
PARENTHESES, AMANDA
♪ MET YOU AND YOU SEEMED NICE,
BUT WE WERE LIKE FIRE AND ICE,
YOUR BODY IS GOOD, BUT YOUR MIND
IS BAD --
>> HI.
CAN WE BE QUIET, PLEASE?
SOME OF US ARE WORKING.
>> SORRY.
WHAT?
>> YEAH.
WE'RE ON A CALL, AND RIGHT NOW
THERE'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH
RUCKUS.
>> OH.
WELL, WE'RE DOING A TINY DESK
CONCERT HERE.
IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL FOR US.
>> WELL, THIS IS NPR, SO EVERY
DAY IS LIKE A BIG DEAL FOR US.
SO CAN WE KEEP THE RUCKUS DOWN?
THANK YOU MUCH.
>> OKAY.
I GUESS I'LL JUST KEEP GOING.
I MEAN, IS THAT GUY LIKE
IMPORTANT HERE OR SOMETHING?
>> NO.
THAT'S ELLIOTT.
HE'S A NEW INTERN.
BUT HE'S 35.
HE SAID HE GOES TO SUNY NEWARK.
>> SOMEONE TOLD ME HE'S WORKING
ON A NEW PODCAST ABOUT AI AND
RURAL QUEERS.
>> WELL, THAT SOUNDS
INTERESTING.
>> YEAH.
IT'S BEYOND INTERESTING
ACTUALLY, I'M EXCITED TO
ANNOUNCE WE'VE LANDED ON A
TITLE.
IT'S CALLED BEEP BOOP I'M GAY
NOW.
IT'S A PLAY ON WAIT, WAIT DON'T
TELL ME.
BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL.
IT'S GOING TO BE POIGNANT,
IMPORTANT, AND REALLY FUNNY.
>> YOU JUST SAID IT WASN'T GOING
TO BE FUNNY.
>> DON'T SPEAK FOR WHAT I HAVE
SAID.
ALL I'M ASKING IS, WHAT'S WITH
ALL THE RUCKUS, AND WHAT DO WE
OWE EACH OTHER?
IN A DIVIDED AMERICA, WHAT IS
MUSIC?
MORE ON THIS WHEN WE COME BACK.
>> WHO WAS HE TALKING TO?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S JUST KEEP GOING.
OUR NEXT SONG IS CALLED CRAZY
AMANDA, PARENTHESES, AND STUPID
TOO.
♪ I MET THAT GIRL, AND IT WAS
GOOD FOR A WEEK --
>> HI.
SORRY.
REMEMBER ME FROM ASKING YOU TO
BE QUIET?
STILL WORKING HERE.
NEVERTHELESS, THE RUCKUS
PERSISTED.
>> DUDE, DON'T DO THAT.
>> I'M JUST ON AN IMPORTANT ZOOM
WITH IRA AND TERRY, GLASS AND
GROSS.
>> COME ON, ELLIOTT!
IT'S TINY DESK.
THIS IS OUR BIGGEST THING.
>> BIGGEST THING SO FAR.
SPEAKING OF BIG, I'M BRAVE
ENOUGH TO SAY IT.
THAT DESK IS NOT TINY.
NEVER WAS.
JUST FEELS SMALL BECAUSE THERE'S
SO MUCH CRAP ON IT.
BY THE WAY, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN
AN EMAIL.
>> HOW?
I MEAN, THIS CONCERT IS --
SERIOUSLY, LET US FINISH OUR
SET, BROTHER.
EVERY TIME WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE
IT BIG, WE GET INTERRUPTED.
>> THE DESK IS REPRESENTED, OUR
SHOW TODAY BRINGS US TO RURAL
WASHINGTON D.C.
>> WE'RE NOT DOING A PODCAST.
>> HIS CAREER MARKED BY MOMENTS
OF INTERRUPTION.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, JOHNNY
HUGHES.
>> HEY, MAN.
BIG FAN OF THE POD.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> OKAY.
YOU'RE DOING A PODCAST NOW?
>> WHEN I ARRIVED, IT TURNED OUT
THE RUCKUS HAD BEEN MUSIC, AND
THE BAND HAD WRITTEN ME A THEME
SONG.
LET'S TAKE A LISTEN.
>> YEAH.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE, ONE,
TWO, THREE --
♪ IF YOU'RE GAY OR A ROBOT IN A
SMALL RURAL TOWN, BEEP, BEEP,
BEEP BOOP ♪
>>> BIG THANKS TO TRAVIS SCOTT. AND ALL OF YOU WATCHING, THANK YOU.
GIVE IT UP FOR THIS CREW.
THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING CREW.
THIS CAST.
THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD.
THANK YOU SNL.
GOOD NIGHT.