>> BACK TO THE NCAA MEN'S BASKETBALL POSTGAME, ERNIE
JOHNSON ALONGSIDE KENNY THE JET SMITH. >> KENNY I'M THE JET.
JUST TRYING SOMETHING. I'M SORRY. >> THANKS, KENNY.
NOW WE OWE ELTON JOHN $10,000. THAT'S GREAT. ALSO, HERE'S CHARLES BARKLEY.
>> I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON COLLEGE BASKETBALL. I AM MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE ON MY
OTHER SHOW, YOU KNOW THE ONE ON CNN WITH GAYLE KING WHERE I TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION AND THE WORLD
ON UKRAINE. >> WELL, NONETHELESS, THE SEMIFINAL MATCHUP BETWEEN NUMBER
ONE SEEDED UCONN AND THE FOUR SEED ALABAMA HAS JUST WRAPPED UP WITH UCONN VICTORIOUS.
INITIAL REACTIONS? >> ERNIE, CAN I BE REAL WITH YOU?
I DIDN'T WATCH IT. >> ME EITHER. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST HARD TO GET
EXCITED WHEN THERE'S BETTER GAMES ON. >> YOU MEAN THE NBA?
>> THE WOMEN'S TOURNAMENT. >> THAT'S WHAT'S UP! >> YEAH.
THE WOMEN ARE EXCITING. >> YEAH. MAN, THE WOMEN'S TOURNAMENT IS
WHERE THE ACTION'S AT. YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCHED THE IOWA-CONNECTICUT GAME?
14 MILLION PEOPLE. MAN, THAT'S YOUNG SHELDON NUMBERS.
>> PLUS WOMEN'S TOURNEY GOT THE STARS. CAITLIN CLARK IS DOING ADS FOR
STATE FARM, SUBWAY, XFINITY AND NIKE. I'M ONLY DOING ADS FOR THREE OF
THEM. >> DID YOU SEE THAT SHOT SHE MADE IN THE CONNECTICUT-SOUTH
CAROLINA GAME? >> SHE DOESN'T PLAY FOR EITHER OF THOSE TEAMS.
>> SHE SHOT IT FROM A DIFFERENT ARENA. >> CAN I TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING
ELSE ABOUT CAITLIN CLARK? SHE DUNKED ON ME ONCE. ON THE SET OF A SUBWAY AD.
WE WERE SHOOTING AROUND, AND IN BETWEEN TAKES, SHE JUMPED 10 FEET IN THE AIR AND HUNG ON
TO THE RIM, WRAPPED HER LEGS AROUND MY HEAD AND SAID, WELCOME TO THE CREAM TEAM, YOU
BALANCED-HEADED BITCH. GOT TO RESPECT THAT. YOU GOT TO RESPECT THAT LEVEL OF
TRASH TALK. >> MAN, SHE IS SO COOL. BUT WE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE MEN
TOO. >> OKAY. FINE.
LET'S GET IT OUT THE WAY. OKAY. THE MEN'S FINAL THIS MONDAY IS I
BELIEVE BETWEEN QUIMMINAC COLLEGE VERSUS NORTHERN SOUTHERN STATE.
>> NEITHER OF THOSE ARE REAL SCHOOLS. IT'S ACTUALLY
PURDUE-CONNECTICUT. CHARLES, CAN YOU BREAK DOWN THE MATCHUPS FOR US?
>> HIM AND HIM. LET'S SEE, THIS GUY ON THIS GUY. HALF-STASH ON BRAIDS.
LET'S SEE, BABY FACE VERSUS BABY FACE. TALL WHITE VERSUS TALL ASIAN.
I THINK THAT ABOUT COVERS IT. >> YOU KNOW, LET'S TALK TO AN ACTUAL COLLEGE BASKETBALL
EXPERT. JOINING US NOW VIA SATELLITE WITH HER TAKE ON THE TOURNEY IS
LSU WOMEN'S COACH, KIM MULKEY. KIM, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. >> GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL.
YOU BOYS JUST DILL MY PICKLE. >> YOU LOOK GREAT. I LOVE THAT OUTFIT.
>> THANK YOU, CHARLES. I GOT THIS CUSTOM MADE. I JUST TOLD THEM, MAKE ME LOOK
LIKE THE RIDDLER WENT TO TALBOTS. >> YOU'RE KNOWN FOR BEING TOUGH
ON YOUR PLAYERS. SOME SAY TOO TOUGH. >> PLEASE, PEOPLE JUST THINK I'M
MEAN BECAUSE OF MY FACE. BUT THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN IN THE COLLEGE GAME, AND I WORK
MY GIRLS HARD EVERY DAY. I MAKE THEM RUN TEN MILES BREATHING IN LOUISIANA SWAMP
GAS. THEN WE PRACTICE FULL CONTACT. IF I DON'T SEE HUSTLE, I'LL
THROW A LIVE ALLIGATOR ON THE COURT. >> OKAY THEN.
COACH, WHO DO YOU LIKE FOR THE MEN ACE FINAL ON MONDAY? >> OH, NORTHERN SOUTHERN STATE.
>> SHE'S CLEARLY NOT WATCHING IT EITHER. THANKS, COACH.
>> MAN, I LIKE HER, MAN. SHE IS TOUGH, AND THAT'S WHY HER TEAMS ALWAYS WIN, EXCEPT THIS
YEAR WHEN THEY LOST. >> ALL RIGHT, GUYS. WOMEN'S COLLEGE FINAL IS
TOMORROW. WHO YOU GOT? >> IT'S GOING TO BE CLOSE.
LET'S SEE WHO VEGAS LIKES FOR THIS ONE. LET ME JUST GOOGLE VEGAS WOMEN'S
SPREAD. THAT'S NOT WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.
>> WELL, I'M GOING WITH SOUTH CAROLINA. I MEAN, THEY HAVEN'T LOST A
SINGLE GAME THIS ENTIRE SEASON. >> COME ON, KENNY. YOU KNOW IOWA IS A TEAM OF
DESTINY, MAN. THEY HOT RIGHT NOW, AND THEY'VE GOT THE GREATEST PLAYER OF HER
GENERATION. THAT'S WHY I BET 500,000 THEY'RE GOING TO LOSE BY TEN.
>> YOU GOT A PROBLEM, CHARLES. KEEP IT HERE AND -- >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- RAYE. AND YOUR HOST -- KRISTEN WIIG.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KRISTEN WIIG!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> WOW. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY.
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, AND I'M SO EXCITED BECAUSE IT IS MY FIFTH TIME HOSTING, SO I AM
OFFICIALLY -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] -- YEAH, OFFICIALLY IN THE FIVE
TIMERS CLUB. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, REALLY WITH QUICK.
I REALIZED I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO SAY HI TO THE BAND. MIND IF I DO THAT REALLY QUICK?
ON KEYS, HOW YOU DOING? SEAN ON DRUMS, HOW ABOUT YOU? GREAT.
LENNY ON SAX, HOW YOU DOING? >> I'M OKAY. >> SO I HAVE TO SAY AS A FORMER
CAST MEMBER, IT IS VERY SPECIAL BEING A FIVE TIMER. I HAVE NEVER --
>> HEY, KRISTEN! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI, PAUL.
HI. >> I MEAN, RIGHT? THIS IS EXCITING.
IT'S SO EXCITING. AREN'T YOU EXCITED? TONIGHT YOU'RE GETTING YOUR FIVE
TIMERS JACKET. LOOK AT MINE, HUH? >> YEAH.
LOOKS GREAT. >> YOU KNOW, I ALSO HEARD A RUMOR YOU MIGHT BE DOING ONE OF
THOSE FIVE TIMER SKETCHES FEATURING AWESOME CELEBRITY CAMEOS.
IS THERE LIKE A SCRIPT OR SOMETHING I COULD LOOK AT FOR THAT?
>> OH, SORRY. I DON'T THINK WE'RE DOING ONE OF THOSE.
>> OH. OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT GETTING MY JACKET TONIGHT. OH, ANOTHER QUESTION.
YES, PAULA. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI.
I USED TO BE A WRITER HERE, BUT TONIGHT I'M PLAYING AN AUDIENCE MEMBER, SO SHE'S GOING TO
PRETEND LIKE SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME. >> WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, MA'AM?
>> I THINK IT'S SO SWEET THAT YOU'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT GETTING A FIVE TIMERS JACKET.
YOU KNOW, THEY BASICALLY HAND THOSE OUT TO EVERYBODY LIKE FREE MAX iPADS.
>> THANK YOU. BUT THEY DON'T JUST HAND THE JACKETS OUT TO ANYONE.
YOU GOT TO HOST FIVE TIMES. OH, ANOTHER QUESTION. YES, MATT DAMON.
HI. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH.
HI, KRISTEN. WELL, FIRST OFF, BIG FAN. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I GREW
UP WATCHING YOU ON SNL. >> GREW UP WATCHING ME ON SNL? WAIT, MATT, WHY DO YOU HAVE ON A
FIVE TIMERS JACKET? HAVEN'T YOU ONLY HOSTED TWICE? >> YEAH.
BUT LORNE SAID THE FIRST TIME I HOSTED WAS SO GOOD, IT COUNTED FOR THREE.
AND THEN, SECOND TIME, NOT QUITE AS GOOD, THAT ONLY COUNTED FOR TWO.
BUT BY MY MATH, THAT'S FIVE, BABY. >> OKAY.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T REALLY SEEM FAIR. I MEAN, I'VE HOSTED FIVE TIMES.
I EARNED THIS, RIGHT? DOESN'T THIS JACKET HAVE ANY MEANING ANYMORE?
I DON'T KNOW. LORNE? >> THIS JACKET IS SO --
>> I MEAN, I LOVE IT. >> I LOVE THIS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. GUYS ARE YOU HERE GETTING JACKETS TOO?
NONE OF YOU HAVE EVEN HOSTED FIVE TIMES. >> YEAH.
BUT TOGETHER WE'VE HOSTED FIVE TIMES. LIKE I'VE HOSTED ONE TIME.
>> AND I'VE HOSTED ONE TIME. MY JACKET'S A LITTLE SMALL, ISN'T IT?
>> I'VE HOSTED THREE TIMES. THE LAST TIME WAS IN 2010, BUT I'M SURE THE FOURTH ONE IS
COMING UP, RIGHT LORNE? >> HOW DARE YOU PUT LORNE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT?
I HAVEN'T HOSTED SINCE 2012. >> OH, SWEET. SO WE ARE DOING A FIVE TIMERS
SKETCH. >> GUYS, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT BEING
IN THE FIVE TIMERS CLUB, BUT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S NOT EVEN THAT SPECIAL.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT. I FEEL BAD. I SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU MY
JACKET. >> THAT'S FINE. YOU WERE GREAT.
YOU DESERVE IT. >> I DO. I DO.
I MEAN, I CAME BACK FOR A BUNCH OF CAMEOS. I DID THAT CAVANAUGH THING.
REMEMBER THE CAVANAUGH? OH, REALLY? I GET A JACKET FOR THAT?
>> THEY JUST GAVE YOU ANOTHER JACKET. >> JUST FOR A CAMEO, RIGHT?
THAT'S LIKE EXCESSIVE. I DON'T WANT IT. I'LL GIVE IT TO LIKE ONE OF MY
KIDS. KRISTEN, YOU SHOULD REALLY FEEL PROUD OF YOURSELF.
DID YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF THE FIVE TIMERS CLUB? >> NO, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT
TRUE. EMMA STONE WAS HERE JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO.
>> OKAY. FIRST FEMALE MEMBER OF THE FIVE TIMERS CLUB.
>> NO. I JUST SAID EMMA STONE WAS HERE. BY THE WAY, THERE'S LOTS OF
OTHER WOMEN. >> FIRST FRENCH WOMAN. >> I'M NOT A FRENCH WOMAN.
>> I MEAN, YOU KIND OF SEEM FRENCH. LOOK, I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO
SAY IS -- * THIS IS YOUR NIGHT, IT'S NO SURPRISE, THE MEMORIES OF YOU AS
GILLY SHOULD WIN YOU A PRIZE * * THEY SHOULD HANG YOU UP IN THE LOO, THE TARGET LADY WOULD SAY I
APPROVE * * AND THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW IS TRUE, I WOULDN'T BE HERE
WITHOUT ALL OF YOU * >> OH, MY GOD. IS THAT RYAN GOSLING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN, I HAVEN'T EVEN HOSTED
THREE TIMES YET. IT SEEMS UNFAIR. >> I KNOW.
>> OKAY. * THIS IS YOUR NIGHT, THIS IS YOUR NIGHT, THIS IS YOUR NIGHT *
>> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! RAYE IS HERE!
STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>>> WOW, BEV, PAT, YOU GUYS HAVE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELVES.
THE CHICKEN WAS AMAZING. >> OUR PLEASURE. YOU GUYS ARE WELCOME ANY TIME.
>> TRUST US. WE'LL BE BACK. >> THANKS SO MUCH FOR WELCOMING
ME. IT'S SO COOL TO FINALLY MEET HARRY'S FRIENDS.
>> WELL, HE'S NEVER INTRODUCED US TO ANYONE BEFORE, SO IT'S CLEAR YOU'RE A VERY SPECIAL GAL.
>> ALL RIGHT. WELL I HOPE YOU GUYS SAVED ROOM FOR FUN BECAUSE I PICKED UP THIS
COOL NEW BOARD GAME FOR US THE TRY. IT'S CALLED TICKET TO RIDE.
IT'S ABOUT TRAINS AND RAILROADS. I NEVER PLAYED BEFORE, BUT IT SEEPS LIKE A BLAST.
>> I LOVE A NEW BOARD GAME. >> I'M SO IN. >> SOUNDS FUN.
>> OH, WOW. OH. NO.
SORRY. >> OH, NINA, IS SOMETHING WRONG?
>> SORRY. JUST I DON'T PLAY BOARD GAMES. YEAH.
NO. >> OH, YEAH. SORRY, Y'ALL.
NINA DOESN'T PLAY BOARD GAMES. SHE'S KIND OF FREAKED OUT BY THEM.
>> BABE, YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND LIKE I'M AFRAID OF BOARD GAMES. I'M NOT.
>> YEAH. IMAGINE BEING AFRAID OF BOARD GAMES.
>> RIGHT? NO, NO. I'M NOT AFRAID OF BOARD GAMES.
I'M AFRAID OF GETTING JUMANJIED. >> OH. JUMANJIED?
>> YEAH. YOU GUYS EVER SEEN THE FILM CALLED JUMANJI ABOUT THE GAME?
>> YEAH, SURE. >> WELL, I JUST WANT TO BE CAUTIOUS PLAYING GAMES.
I DON'T KNOW. LEST IT SHOULD JUMANJI ME. >> YOU MEAN THE FICTIONAL MOVIE
ABOUT A MAGICAL GAME? >> I MEAN, JUMANJI IS A MOVIE. IT ISN'T REAL.
>> YOU LITERALLY CAN'T PROVE THAT. >> UM, BABE, YOU'RE NOT GETTING
JUMANJIED. >> I KNOW I'M NOT GETTING JUMANJIED BECAUSE I WILL NOT PUT
MYSELF IN A POSITION TO BE JUMANJIED. >> JUMANJI ISN'T REAL, THOUGH.
EVEN IF JUMANJI WERE REAL, THIS ISN'T JUMANJI, IT'S TICKET TO RIDE.
>> A GAME DOESN'T HAVE TO BE JUMANJI FOR THAT GAME TO JUMANJI ME.
JUST HOW GETTING ROOFFY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A ROOFIE. >> I SAW JUMANJI AND THEY GET
SUCKED INTO A VIDEO GAME. >> WHAT? >> THE ROCK AND KEVIN HART.
>> COME ON, BEVERLY, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE NEW JUMANJI. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE TRUE
JUMANJI. JUMANJI, JUMANJI. >> SO YOU HAVE SEEN IT.
AND YET YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO JUMANJI ME. >> OKAY.
WHAT EVEN IS JUMANJI TO YOU, LADY? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU THINK
JUMANJI IS GOING INTO JUMANJI, BUT IN JUMANJI, JUMANJI COMES OUT.
THE KIDS DON'T GO INTO JUMANJI, JUMANJI COMES OUT OF JUMANJI. >> ROBIN WILLIAMS GOES INTO
JUMANJI. >> ONE GUY. THE REST OF JUMANJI IS JUMANJI
COMES OUT. >> YOU'RE YELLING. >> I'M JUST SAYING, SHE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. WHICH IS IT? ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING
JUMANJIED INTO JUMANJI OR JUMANJI THAT COMES OUT? >> JUMANJI IS A SERIES OF JUNGLE
EMERGENCIES. THAT SIR, IS JUMANJI, AND WE ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THAT.
WE HAVE NO MEDICINES. WE HAVE NO ROPE. >> THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT WOULD
HAPPEN IF WE GOT JUMANJIED INTO THIS TRAIN BECAUSE THIS GAME IS TRAINS.
>> IF I GOT JUMANJIED INTO MONOPOLY, IT'S BE THE MUSTACHE MAN, NOT JUNGLE EMERGENCY.
>> OH, SO NOW EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT ON JUMANJI? BECAUSE FIVE F'ing SECONDS AGO,
YOU ALL ACTED LIKE I WAS A NUT. >> I AMENT THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE, AND I WANT TO PLAY THE
GAME I GOT FROM THE OLD LADY AT THE ESTATE SALE. WE ARE PLAYING THIS DAMN GAME.
OKAY. JUST BECAUSE FOG IS COMING OUT OF THE BOX DOES NOT MEAN WE'RE
GETTING JUMANJIED. WE'RE NOT GETTING JUMANJIED. >> WE GETTING JUMANJIED.
>> I KNEW IT! >> BABE, WHAT'S HAPPENING? >> ARR!
>> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S MY BAD, Y'ALL. >> WELL, WELL, WELL.
WELCOME TO TICKET TO RIDE. WE GOT A RAILROAD TO BUILD. AND IF ANY OF YOU TRY TO LEAVE,
YOU'LL BE TIED TO THE TRACKS AND LEFT FOR THE COYOTES. EXCEPT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU
SPECIFICALLY SAID YOU DID NOT WANT TO BE JUMANJIED INTO TRAIN GAME.
YOU ARE FREE TO GO. >> YES! I KNEW IT.
I'M FREE. AND HARRY, I DON'T THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK OUT BECAUSE IT
SEEMS LIKE YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOING TO DIE. >> AWW, YOU LOST YOUR GIRL.
THAT'S TOO BAD. BUT, HEY, JUST REMEMBER, IF YOU LOSE THE GAME, YOU DIE IN REAL
LIFE. HOPE THAT HELPS. ALL ABOARD!
>>> MEREDITH, I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.
>> OH, COME ON, JESS. I THINK IT'LL BE FUN. LET'S GO.
>> HELLO? >> WHAT IS THIS PLACE? WHY IS IT SO DARK?
>> AND WHAT ARE THESE MACHINES? >> HEY, MAMAS, IS THIS YOUR FIRST CLASS?
>> PILATES, FROM THE CREATOR OF SAW X AND THE MARKETING DIRECTOR FOR ALO COMES A CHILLING NEW
LOOK AT GIRL HORROR. >> IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT'LL BE.
IT'S SO HARD, BUT IT'S ALSO SO BORING. >> GOOD JOB, MAMAS.
NOW TAKE THOSE FOOT STRAPS TO YOUR HAND STRAPS, WRAP YOUR HAND STRAPS AROUND YOUR FOOT STRAPS,
TAKE THOSE ANKLE STRAPS AROUND YOUR WAIST AND THE KNEE STRAPS AROUND YOUR HEAD.
>> THE MACHINE IS CALLED A REFORMER. LOOKS LIKE IT'S DESIGNED FOR
TORTURE, BUT SOMEHOW ALSO SEX. >> IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD. >> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
TIME IS DIFFERENT IN THERE. >> HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? FOUR HOURS?
>> IT'S BEEN 11 SECONDS. >> WHO ARE THESE WOMEN? >> THE VIBE IS BAD.
MOST OF THE WOMEN ARE EX-DANCERS OR FIRST-TIME MOMS. >> EVERYONE, JUST FOLLOW WHAT
NAOMI IS DOING. >> OH, MY GOD. >> USUALLY THERE ARE EIGHT
GORGEOUS WOMEN, ONE GAY MAN NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR. >> I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU,
GIRLIES. >> AND SOMETIMES GAYA GERBER. >> WILL THERE BE ANY
MODIFICATIONS? >> CHELSEA DOESN'T NEED ANY MODIFICATIONS.
SHE DOES ALL THE MOVES. >> AND I'M 11 MONTHS. >> IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OUT.
>> WHO IS THIS? >> HEY, MEREDITH. MISSED YOU TODAY IN CLASS.
>> OH, SORRY. I'M SICK. >> WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK SICK.
>> AHH! >> IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THEIR RULES, THEN GOD HELP YOU.
>> HEY, GIRLY POP, DID YOU FORGET YOUR STICKY SOCKS? >> YEAH, BUT I CAN JUST WEAR MY
REGULAR SOCKS, RIGHT? >> SURE. >> AHH!
>> AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU COULD NEVER BE ONE OF THEM. >> MEREDITH, PLEASE, I CAN'T
TAKE THIS. LET'S JUST GO. MEREDITH?
>> WHY SO STRESSED, MAMA CITA? THE BURN FEELS SO GOOD. >> ALL RIGHT, MAMAS.
GO AHEAD AND GRAB THOSE ONE-POUND WEIGHTS. >> ONE POUND?
EASY. >> AWW, I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DIE. >> PILATES, EMBRACE THE SHAKE.
>>> OH, BOY. >> WELL, ALAN, I CAN'T THANK YOU
ENOUGH FOR TAKING MY CASE. >> I FIGURED YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY CASE, I MAY AS WELL TAKE YOURS.
>> I AM ANNOYING. >> MR. CUTCHIN, THIS IS MY SECRETARY TRUDY.
>> HI BOYS, HAPPY FRIDAY. >> LIFE'S EASY WHEN YOU HAVE A SECRETARY TO THINK FOR YOU.
COULD YOU PLEASE PICK UP MY -- >> CUBAN CIGAR? RIGHT HERE BOSS.
>> YOUR SECRETARY IS ONE OF A KIND. >> SHE'S ONLY RIGHT HALF THE
TIME, SO I HIRED A SECOND SECRETARY, AND NOW THEY'RE BOTH WRONG ALL THE TIME.
MEET TOOTIE. >> ONLY TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL CHURCH.
>> TOOTIE, WOULD YOU MIND PICKING UP -- >> YOUR SON FROM DAY CARE?
GOT HIM RIGHT HERE. >> TOOTIE, I DON'T HAVE A SON. >> WELL, THEN YOUR DAUGHTER
DRESSES LIKE A BOY. >> TOOTIE, HUH IS THAT A FIRST NAME OR A LAST ONE?
>> IT'S A MIDDLE ONE AND I'M READY TO ROLL. KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN.
>> THAT'S NOT IN THE HAND BOOK. GALS, WE WOULD LIKE A DRINK. >> I'LL DO A BOURBON.
>> ON THE ROCKS OR ON THE RACKS? >> WHAT'S ON THE RACKS? >> BOURBON ON THE RACKS COMING
RIGHT UP. >> OH, WAIT. DID YOU WANT IT STIRRED?
>> OKAY. THAT'S ENOUGH. WE'LL BE IN MY OFFICE IF YOU
NEED ME. WE'RE GOING OVER MR. CUTCHIN'S ALIBI.
>> WAIT. HOW DID I KNOW YOU WOULD GET A LITTLE DAY NICHE ON YOUR
NECKTIE? >> AND LOOK AT THESE SOILED TROUSERS.
THEY NEED A DRY CLEANING. >> LADIES, I'M FINE. >> AND I'M FULL.
>> AND I'M FED. >> AFTERNOON, LADIES. I'VE GOT A LUNCH --
>> DELIVER WILLRY. >> YES. YOU ORDERED A SAND --
>> WITCH. >> AND A SIDE OF COLE. >> ONOSCOPY.
>> NOPE. >> PLT PETERMAN'S SANDWICH IS COLD, AND I ORDERED IT HOT.
>> QUICK. PUT IT HERE. >> SMELLS LIKE MAMA'S COOKING.
>> WHERE IS MY -- >> PANINI? RIGHT HERE, BOSS.
>> PANINI, SANDO OF THE FUTURE. >> MY GOODNESS. WELL, IT TASTES LIKE ASS.
TOOTIE, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR ASSOCIATE, JIM.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU, TOOTIE. >> YOU LOOK LIKE AN EDUCATED
MAN. YALE? >> NO.
>> HARVARD? >> NO. >> YARVARD?
>> NO. >> HOGWARTS. >> I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO
LEAVE. >> TRUDY, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO -- >> KICK MY FEET UP AND TAKE A
LOAD OFF? NOW THAT I CAN DO. >> OH, MY GOD.
SHE JUST FELL RIGHT THROUGH HER DESK. >> YEAH.
AND SOMEHOW I DON'T KNOW HER SKIRT JUST FLEW OFF. >> NOW, WHERE'S TRUDY?
>> OH, IT LOOKS LIKE TRUDY FELL RIGHT THROUGH THE OFFICE GLOBE. >> AND HER TOP GOT SUCKED INTO
SPACE. >> TOOTIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? >> YES, I'M ALL RIGHT.
LITTLE CHILLY ON THE BOTTOMS. >> YES. I MUST ADMIT, THE SIGHT OF YOU
WITH NO BOTTOMS IS -- >> MAKING YOU FORGET THERE'S A BABY IN MY DESK?
>> YES. PERHAPS WE COULD RAISE IT TOGETHER.
BUT FIRST, WOULD YOU LET ME -- >> GO BANOODLES ON THIS DOG-ASS HO?
>> THAT PART. >> OH, MR. CUTCHINS, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME?
DIP ME! >> WELL, AIN'T LOVE A CATCH. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BOURBON ON THE RACKS.
>>> JERRY, YOU SHARED YOUR KNOWLEDGE, YOUR WARMTH, YOUR
PASSION FOR ACCOUNTING, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU SHARED YOUR CORN NUTS, AND I WILL NEVER
FORGET THAT. HAPPY RETIREMENT, JERRY. >> ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU COLLEEN. OKAY. IT'S BEEN A GREAT NIGHT WITH SO
MANY WELL WISHERS, BUT IT'S TIME TO WRAP THINGS UP. SORRY.
YES, OF COURSE. OKAY. WE HAVE ONE MORE SPEAKER.
>> THANK YOU. I NEED TO TELL A LITTLE STORY ABOUT THIS SAINT JERRY.
HE HELPED ME OUT ON ONE OF THE HARDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. I SAY ONE OF BECAUSE I WITNESSED
A TRIPLE MURDER AS A TODDLER. ANY WHO, ONE DAY I BROUGHT MY PRECIOUS PEBBLES TO WORK.
PEBBLES WAS MY SERVICE CHINCHILLA. SOMEHOW PEBBLES GOT STUCK IN THE
INDUSTRIAL FAN AND WAS TRAGICALLY KILLED TO DEATH. HEAD RIPPED OFF HER BODY AND
THROWN ACROSS THE ROOM. THE REST OF HER LOOKED LIKE IT HAD BEEN SPRAYED INTO A
WOODCHIPER. JERRY HELPED ME SPOOL INTESTINES INTO HIS STARBUCKS MUG WHILE I
COLLECTED THE REST OF WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS CHUM. THANK YOU, JERRY.
HERE'S YOUR UNWASHED MUG BACK. >> DON'T GIVE IT TO ME. WELL, IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT WITH
GREAT MEMORIES. >> EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU.
RETIREE IN THE HOUSE! CONGRATULATIONS, JERRY. NOW, AS YOU MAY NOW, WE ARE THE
OFFICE MUSICAL IMPROV TROOP. GITS AND SHIGGLES. >> WE MEET EVERY FRIDAY AFTER
WORK AND EVERY MONDAY BEFORE WORK FROM 4:00 TO 59 A.M. >> WE HAVE BEEN SPECIFICALLY
ASKED NOT TO PER TOMORROW NIGHT, AND WE RESPECT THAT, UNLESS SOMEONE HAS A SUGGESTION FOR A
LOCATION AND A STYLE OF MUSIC? >> NO. >> OKAY.
I HEARD R. KELLY. >> OKAY. LET'S NOT.
OKAY. THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, JER ARE I, WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU.
I WISH I COULD TALK ABOUT ALL THE FUN WE'VE HAD OVER THE YEARS, BUT HR IS HERE, AKA, THE
SEX POLICE. DO YOU GUYS THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH SEX NOW?
WE MUST BE ROBOTS AND WORKER DRONES. CANNOT FEEL ANYTHING IN MY BOXER
BRIEFS WHILE AT WORK. WELL, I HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION.
I THINK THE WISDOM OF THE BODY IS SACRED. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, WENDY FROM
SECURITY? WENDY AND I DID SOMETHING VERY SACRED TOGETHER ON EVERY ONE OF
YOUR DESKS. >> OKAY. LET'S END THAT THERE.
I'M NOT SURE WHY PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY TO JUST GRAB THE. NO.
IT'S A FLAT NO, MA'AM. MA'AM, MA'AM. YOU'RE JUST TAKING THE MIC?
OKAY. >> EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME. I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
TO TELL YOU. JERRY HAS BEEN STEALING FROM THE COMPANY.
>> NO. THAT IS NOT TRUE. >> HE HAS.
>> HE HASN'T. >> HE HAS. HE'S BEEN STEALING OUR HEARTS.
>> OKAY. WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET. >> AND JERRY ASSAULTED ME.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> WITH GUIDANCE AND INFORMATION.
ZBLU CAN'T START IT LIKE -- >> HE WAS A GREAT MENTOR. NEVER BE ALONE IN A ROOM WITH
JERRY. >> JESUS. >> BECAUSE HE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH
SO HARD YOU CAN'T BREATHE. HE KISSED ME ONCE ON THE MOUTH. >> THANK YOU.
ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LEAVE? YOU KNOW HOW TO LEAVE?
THERE YOU GO. OKAY. >> HEY, JERRY.
ALL THE GUYS IN SALES PITCHED IN AND GOT YOU SOMETHING. >> GROSS.
GROSS. NOT THRILLED ABOUT TALKING INTO THIS MIC NOW.
>> HEY. HI. I'M HOLLYWOOD ACTOR MATT DAMON
FROM THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE. A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I WAS DOING RESEARCH FOR A MOVIE.
THE CHARACTER WAS A SEX ADDICT, A PEEPING TOM CHARACTER WITH A MAJOR ARMPIT FETISH.
NATURALLY, THAT LED ME TO JERRY. >> HEY, MAN. MY FAMILY IS HERE.
>> JERRY, THANK YOU FOR OPENING UP YOUR LIFE TO ME. YOU ARE SO BRAVE.
AND THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN SHOW YOUR FACE IN PUBLIC SHOWS ME A STRENGTH I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
PEOPLE HAD. WHILE THE MOVIE NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT WAS WAY TOO
DEPRESSING, I PUT EVERYTHING I LEARNED FROM YOU INTO THE SUB TEXT IN THAT GUY I PLAYED IN
"OPPENHEIMER." THAT IS ALL YOU, JERRY. LET'S HAVE A TOAST TO EVERYBODY.
>> NOT THE CHINCHILLA MUG! >> OH, MY GOD. >> ALL RIGHT.
I'M JUST GOING TO TURN OFF THIS MIC AND END THIS. OH, MY GOD.
>> CONGRATULATIONS ON THE RETIREMENT, JERRY. WE HAVE NEVER MET.
I AM THE STEP NEPHEW OF THE EVENT COORDINATOR. I WASN'T PLANNING TO SAY
ANYTHING, BUT WHEN I HEARD TALK OF CORN NUTS, I FELT COMPELLED TO PUT IN MY TWO CENTS.
DEATH IS IN THIS ROOM. COMES FOR US ALL. BUT DEATH IS NOT AN END.
IT IS THE BEGINNING. OF EVERLASTING DARKNESS AND SILENCE OF A FEAST FOR WORMS WHO
CHOMP ON YOUR BODIES WITH THEIR TINY LITTLE TEETH. THOUGH YOU'RE DEAD, YOU FEEL
EVERY EXCRUCIATING NIBBLE. BUT THAT'S JUST MY TWO CENTS. AND TWO CENTS ISN'T WORTH WHAT
IT USED TO BE BECAUSE OF THE FAILED ECONOMIC POLICIES OF JOSEPH HUSSEIN BIDEN.
AGAIN, HAPPY RETIREMENT, JERRY. I MURDERED THE CHINCHILLA. >> AND I SMOKED NEXT TO MY TANK,
AND IT'S GOING TO BLOW.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RAYE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * SLEAZIN' AND TEASIN' I'M SITTIN' ON HIM *
* THEN I SAID ALL OF MY DIAMONDS * * ARE DRIPPIN' ON HIM
YOU SEE * * I MET HIM AT THE BAR IT WAS 12 OR SOMETHIN' *
* THEN I ORDERED TWO MORE WINES AT THE BAR * * TWO MORE WINES
'CAUSE TONIGHT, I WANT HIM I WANT HIM, I WANT HIM * **
* A LITTLE CONTEXT IF YOU CARE TO LISTEN * * I FIND MYSELF
IN A POSITION * * THE MAN THAT I LOVE SAT ME DOWN LAST NIGHT *
* AND HE TOLD ME THAT IT'S OVER, DUMB DECISION * * AND I DON'T WANNA FEEL
HOW MY HEART IS RIPPIN' * * IN FACT I DON'T WANNA FEEL SO I STICK TO SIPPIN' *
* AND I'M OUT ON THE TOWN WITH A SIMPLE MISSION * * IN MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS
AND THIS IS SITTIN' * * JUST A HEART BROKE HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH *
* IN THE BACK OF THE NIGHTCLUB SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE *
* I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THESE SISTERS I'M WITH * * IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI
SNIFFIN' SOME * * DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX *
* I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN WHO WAS ON THE SAME PAGE * * NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO
BACK TO THE BAR * * TO THE BENTLEY TO THE HOTEL *
* TO MY OLD WAYS 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I DID LAST NIGHT
NO I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I DID LAST NIGHT DOCTOR, DOCTOR *
* ANYTHING, PLEASE DOCTOR, DOCTOR * * HAVE MERCY ON ME
TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY * * YOU'RE ASKING ME MY SYMPTOMS, DOCTOR *
* I DON'T WANNA FEEL TOKE THIS JOINT HOW * * I'M BLOWIN' THIS STEAM
BACK TO MY WAYS LIKE 2019 * * NOT 24 HOURS SINCE MY EX DID IT *
* I GOT A NEW MAN ON ME IT'S ABOUT TO GET SWEATY * * LAST NIGHT REALLY WAS THE
CHERRY ON THE CAKE * * BEEN SOME DARK DAYS LATELY AND I'M FINDING *
* IT CRIPPLING EXCUSE MY STATE * * I'M AS HIGH AS YOUR HOPES
THAT YOU'LL MAKE * * IT TO MY BED GET ME SIZZLING *
* IF I TAKE A STEP BACK TO SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL * * AT LEAST IT'S THE PRADA
TWO-PIECE THAT I'M * * TRIPPIN' IN I'M ALREADY ACTIN' *
* LIKE A -- KNOW WHAT I MEAN * * SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
JUST A HEART BROKE * * HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH IN THE BACK *
* OF THE NIGHTCLUB SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE * * I DON'T TRUST ANY OF
THESE SISTERS I'M WITH * * IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI SNIFFIN' SOME *
* DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX * * I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN
NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO * * BACK TO THE BAR TO THE BENTLEY *
* TO THE HOTEL TO MY OLD WAYS * * 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL
HOW I DID LAST NIGHT * * NO I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT *
* DOCTOR, DOCTOR ANYTHING, PLEASE * * DOCTOR, DOCTOR
HAVE MERCY ON ME * * YOU'RE ASKING ME MY SYMPTOMS, DOCTOR *
* I DON'T WANNA FEEL I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I FELT LAST NIGHT
NO, NO, NO
I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I DID LAST NIGHT WE HAVE SOME DRUMS HERE *
** * I'LL BE LIPSTICK SMUDGED LIKE MODERN ART *
* I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE -- I AM OR WHO'S DRIVIN' THE CAR *
* SPEEDIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY SIPPIN' * * MIXIN' PILLS WITH THE
LIQUOR 'CAUSE THESE FEELINGS * * I LEFT EVERYONE
I LOVE ON READ * * SPILLING SECRETS TO THE STRANGER IN MY BED *
* I REMEMBER NOTHING SO THERE'S NOTHING TO REGRET *
* OTHER THAN THIS 4-4 KICK DRUM POUNDIN' IN MY HEAD ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, YESTERDAY EVERYONE IN NEW YORK PRETENDED THEY FELT AN
EARTHQUAKE. JUST ADMIT IT, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS WIND.
THIS EARTHQUAKE WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST POSSIBLE DISASTER. IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THE TIME I
SAW MY DAD IN THE SHOWER. IT WAS A LITTLE SCARY, THERE WAS NO PERMANENT DAMAGE, BUT I'M
GOING TO REMEMBER IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY, FORMER
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WOULD DEBATE PRESIDENT BIDEN ANY TIME, ANY PLACE.
AND THEN HE POINTED TO AN EMPTY PODIUM ON THE STAGE. NOW TRUMP AND BIDEN ARE BOTH
POLLING 80 POINTS BEHIND THE PODIUM. IN A NEW INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP
ALSO CLAIMED THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS HIGH ON COCAINE DURING THE STATE OF THE UNION, SAYING
HE WAS ALL JACKED UP AT THE BEGINNING. BY THE END, HE WAS FADING FAST.
HUH. IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE DONALD TRUMP KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE TO BE ON COCAINE. YOU KNOW, LIKE AT THE BEGINNING, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF ENERGY.
** BUT THEN, BY THE END, YOU'RE FADING FAST.
>> JUST RECENTLY HEARD THAT SAUDI ARABIA AND RUSSIA WILL -- BE -- DO.
>> DONALD TRUMP SAID AT A RALLY THAT HE WOULD MAKE NOVEMBER 5th CHRISTIAN VISIBILITY DAY.
WAIT. I THOUGHT THAT WAS CALLED ASH WEDNESDAY.
THE FLORIDA SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED THE STATE SIX WEEK ABORTION BAN TO TAKE EFFECT.
SO NOW FLORIDA'S ONLY REMAINING METHOD FOR ENDING A PREGNANCY IS ROLLER COASTERS.
>> JUST TODAY, DONALD TRUMP POSTED ON TRUTH SOCIAL THAT HE WASN'T SCARED OF GOING TO JAIL
FOR VIOLATING A GAG ORDER, SAYING, I WILL GLADLY BECOME A MODERN-DAY NELSON MANDELA.
UNFORTUNATELY, FOR HALLOWEEN. >> IOWA'S FINAL FOUR GAME AGAINST UCONN WAS THE MOST
WATCHED WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME EVER WITH 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS, BEATING
THE PREVIOUS RECORD BY 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS. >> IT WAS ALSO REPORTED FRIDAY
THAT THE U.S. ECONOMY ADDED OVER 300,000 JOBS. UNFORTUNATELY, MOST OF THEM ARE
BRIDGE FIXER. >> EXPERTS ARE SAYING THAT TWO DIFFERENT BREEDS OF CICADAS WILL
HATCH THIS MONTH RELEASING TRILLIONS CICADAS INTO THE U.S.
AND BIDEN IS JUST LETTING THEM IN. >> HOUSE REPUBLICANS HAVE
INTRODUCED A BILL TO RENAME WASHINGTON D.C.'S DULLES AIRPORT AFTER DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE
AIRPORTS ARE A LOT LIKE TRUMP, A CHAOTIC NIGHTMARE THAT TURNS YOU AGAINST YOUR OWN FAMILY.
NEW YORK CITY WAS RATTLED YESTERDAY MORNING AS A RARE 4.2
MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE SHOOK THE CITY AND MUCH OF THE NORTHEAST AROUND 10:00 A.M.
HERE WITH MORE IS THE EARTHQUAKE. >> OH, YEAH!
WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK? DIDN'T EXPECT TO FEEL ME YESTERDAY, DID YOU?
THE CITY WAS THROWN INTO PURE CHAOS! >> YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT CHAOS. I MEAN, PEOPLE WERE A LITTLE SURPRISED.
>> IT WAS CHAOS, COLIN. PEOPLE STOPPED WORKING FOR FIVE, EVEN SIX MINUTES TO TEXT THEIR
FRIENDS, DID YOU JUST FEEL SOMETHING. COLIN, THE FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED
AT ALL THE AIRPORTS FOR UP TO 30 MINUTES. UP TO 30 MINUTES, COLIN!
>> HOW LONG ARE THEY NORMALLY DELAYED? >> AN HOUR.
MOVE OVER GUY WHO WAS PUNCHING AWITH IMIN THE FACE. I PUNCHED THE WHOLE CITY IN THE
FACE. A BUNCH OF TEENY TINY PUNCHES LIKE A SCARY MASSAGE.
BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE NEW YORK EARTHQUAKE! >> DIDN'T YOU ORIGINATE IN NEW
JERSEY, THOUGH? >> I GREW UP THERE, BUT I MOVED TO THE CITY.
I'M THE NEW YORK EARTHQUAKE! AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH AS POWERFUL AS ME.
>> WHAT IS THIS CANDY-ASS LITTLE FOOL TALKING ABOUT? >> OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THE ECLIPSE. >> YEAH. YOU LISTEN UP GOOD EARTHQUAKE.
YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE SHIMMY SHAKE AND TRY TO STEAL MY THUNDER?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THE SOLAR ECLIPSE RUNS WILD ON YOU? COME MONDAY, ALL OF AMERICA WILL
BE COVERED IN ETERNAL DARKNESS. >> I DON'T KNOW. I HEARD THE ECLIPSE IS ONLY
SUPPOSED TO LAST LIKE FOUR MINUTES. >> WHICH IS GOING TO FEEL LIKE
AN ETERNITY WHEN YOU'RE STARING AT ME THROUGH A SHOE BOX. >> WELL, YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU
PATHETIC EXCUSE TO MAKE THE MOON EXCITING, IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE AFTER ONE EARTHQUAKE, JUST
WAIT UNTIL YOU FEEL THE AFTERSHOCKS! OH, YEAH, BROTHER!
I HIT IT, I QUIT IT, AND I REDID IT. OH, WHAT WAS THAT I JUST HEARD?
IT'S ANOTHER BOOK FALLING GENTLY OFF A SHELF, BABY. EARTHQUAKE STRIKES AGAIN.
>> FOOL, YOU GOT NOTHING ON THE CHAOS THAT I WILL BRING. AND PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY ARE
READY WITH THEIR LITTLE SPECIAL GLASSES? WELL, MOST OF THEM ARE FAKES
THAT THEY BOUGHT ON AMAZON. THEIR EYES ARE MINE! AND THEIR DOGS ARE GOING TO BE
EXTREMELY CONFUSED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. >> WELL, I MADE THE DOGS
CONFUSED TOO. >> BUT I'LL MAKE THEM THINK IT'S NIGHT, SUCKA!
>> GUYS, LET'S CALM DOWN. YOU'RE BOTH VERY DISRUPTIVE NATURAL EVENTS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, COLIN'S RIGHT, ECLIPSE. WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING.
WE SHOULD TEAM UP. >> AN EARTHQUAKE DURING AN ECLIPSE?
THAT WOULD BE BIBLICAL, BROTHER. THE KIND OF THING THAT USED TO MAKE ANCIENT PEOPLE THROW A
VIRGIN INTO A VOLCANO. I LIKE IT. >> NEW YORK DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER
EARTHQUAKE, ESPECIALLY DURING A BLACKOUT. >> DON'T WORRY.
I'M SURE MAYOR ADAMS WILL HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL.
THE ECLIPSE AND EARTHQUAKE EVERYONE
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE MAN WHO MARRIED A CON JOINED TWIN IS
FACING A PATERNITY LAWSUIT FROM HIS EX-WIFE. GREAT.
THE LAST THING THAT GUY NEEDS IS ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED. >> A UNITED AIRLINE'S FLIGHT
FROM GERMANY WAS FORCED TO RETURN TO THE AIRPORT AFTER THE TOILET BROKE AND LEAKED INTO THE
CABIN. THOUGH, IT'S THE PERFECT PUNISHMENT FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE
THEIR SHOES OFF ON PLANES. JANE GOODALL CELEBRATED HER 90th BIRTHDAY BY GATHERING TOGETHER
WITH 90 DOGS, THEN FEEDING THEM ALL TO HER APES. >> IN A LAWSUIT AGAINST YE, A
FORMER EMPLOYEE CLAIMS THAT YE COMPARED HIMSELF TO HITLER MINUS THE GAS CHAMBERS.
AND I FOR ONE AM SHOCKED TO HEAR THAT YE BELIEVES IN THE HOLOCAUST.
>> THIS WEEK, LIVE WITH KELLY AND MARK RERAN AN EPISODE FROM 2023 IN WHICH HOST KELLY RIP PA
BEGS TO GO ON DIDDY'S YACHT. EVEN CRAZIER, SNL IS AIRING AN EPISODE RIGHT NOW WITH A GUY WHO
WAS ON DIDDY'S YACHT LAST WEEK. >> WEATHER EXPERTS ARE FORECASTING THAT THIS YEAR WILL
SEE THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF HURRICANES EVER THANKS TO AN ABNORMALLY ACTIVE SUMMER OF GAY
WEDDINGS. A STONE VILE DISCOVERED IN IRAN CONTAINED A RED COSMETIC THAT
EXPERTS SAY WAS LIKELY USED AS LIPSTICK NEARLY 4,000 YEARS AGO BY AN ANCIENT SKANK.
ISN'T THAT FASCINATING, COLIN? >> I'M LEARNING A LOT. A MAN DIAGNOSED WITH
SCHIZOPHRENIA HAS BEEN GIVEN A SUPPORT DOG TO HELP HIM DETERMINE WHAT IS REAL AND
WHAT'S A HALLUCINATION. THE CRAZIEST PART IS -- THERE'S NO DOG.
>> SCIENTISTS IN PORTUGAL HAVE ACCIDENTALLY CREATED A MOUSE EMBRYO THAT HAS AN EXTRA LEG
WHERE ITS GENITALS SHOULD BE, AND BROTHER, SAME! ALL RIGHT.
>> YOURS IS THE SIZE OF A MOUSE'S LEG? >> NO, NO.
WAIT, NO, NO. TAKE THAT JOKE BACK. >> WE ALREADY LOCKED IT IN.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT SEASON FOR HIT MOVIES.
HERE WITH HER OWN TAKES ON THE MOVIES IS OUR OLD FRIEND, AUNT LINDA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> EASY. EASY.
>> ALL RIGHT. AUNT LINDA, LONG TIME, NO SEE. >> WELL, HELLO, SETH.
SOMEONE'S GOTTEN SOME WORK DONE. >> WELL, I'M ACTUALLY COLIN. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN A
WHILE. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU NOSEY
O'DONNELL. I GOT DIVORCED. MY HUSBAND FINALLY GOT HEARING
AIDS, TEN MINUTES LATER, HE WAS ON A BUS. >> OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY. BUT WE'RE EXCITED FOR YOU TO GIVE US THE LATEST TAKE ON ALL
THE HIT MOVIES OUT THERE. >> WELL, MY PLEASURE. OR SHOULD I SAY PAIN.
ANYONE ELSE SIT THROUGH THAT 90 MINUTES OF STINKO CALLED "BARBIE"?
I DIDN'T GET IT. IS SHE A DOLL THAT COMES TO LIFE?
IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. AND WHERE ARE THEY? ON THE MOON?
>> YEAH. I MEAN, I DON'T THINK "BARBIE" TOOK PLACE ON THE MOON.
>> YEAH. AND THERE WAS SO MUCH PINK. THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT CAME
OUT OF IT IS I WAS REMINDED TO TAKE MY PEPTOBISMAL. AND HEY, AMERICA FERRARI, SAVE
YOUR SPEECH FOR WOMEN'S LIVERS. I LOVE WEARING A BRA. >> I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS A VERY POPULAR MOVIE. >> WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY. AND THAT KEN CHARACTER, RYAN
GOSLING, MORE LIKE RYAN GOSLING. >> I THINK YOU JUST SAID HIS NAME THE SAME TWICE.
>> HE'S VAR HARD TO MAKE FUN OF. >> YEAH. >> I GIVE "BARBIE" A COUPLE OF
WHAT IN THE'S AND FOUR GAH. THE NEXT FILM I WATCHED WAS ALSO A BIG ONE.
CAN YOU TAKE A GUESS? >> "OPPENHEIMER." >> BINGO.
>> SO YOU DID NOT LIKE "OPPENHEIMER"? >> NOPENHEIMER.
DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER NO THANKS. WHY THE HECK WOULD ANYONE MAKE A
MOVIE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO INVENTED THE MICROWAVE? GAH.
>> OKAY. WELL, WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU WATCHED THAT CONFUSED YOU?
>> DON'T GET SMART. WELL, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW I VENTURED INTO THE LAND OF
TELEVISION ALONG WITH EVERYBODY ELSE. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST
WATCHING MOVIES IN THE THEATER? NOW EVERYONE STAYS HOME EATING GRASS GUMMIES WATCHING MOVIES ON
THE TOILET. >> ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING
ON TV? >> WELL, THERE WAS ONE SHOW WITH A VERY MISLEADING TITLE.
>> WHAT WAS THAT? >> THE BEAR. I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE
ABOUT BEARS LIVING IN THE WOODS OR AT THE VERY LEAST, A SITCOM ABOUT A HAYRY DOUGHY GAY MAN WHO
HAS TO RAISE HIS SISTER'S KIDS. SPOILER ALERT, IT'S ABOUT A RESTAURANT.
WHY IS EVERYONE IN THE KITCHEN SO UNORGANIZED? HERE'S A NOVEL IDEA, HEY, CHEF,
STOP DOING SO MANY SITUPS IN YOUR CALVIN CLINGERS AND HIRE MORE PEOPLE.
THEY'RE UNDERSTAFFED. AND I DIDN'T LEARN HOW TO COOK ONE THING.
RACHEL RAY WOULD BE ROLLING IN HER GRAVE. >> RACHEL RAY IS VERY MUCH
ALIVE. >> WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? >> I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE
TIME. >> WELL, I GIVE THE BEAR ONE BIG FAT WHAT THE FUDGE AND 15 WHAT'S
GOING ONES! >> ALL RIGHT. LINDA, BEFORE YOU LEAVE, THERE'S
GOT TO BE ONE THING THAT YOU LIKED. >> NOT LIKED, LOVED.
I LAUGHED, I CRIED, I STARTED AGAIN THE MINUTE IT WAS FINISHED.
>> OH, MY GOD THE WHAT WAS THAT? >> PAW PATROL. DOGS SAVING THE WORLD IN
UNIFORMS? HERE'S MY ALLY, AND THIS FILM WENT STRAIGHT UP IT.
I GOT AN IDEA. SEND THE PUPS TO CHOP VEGETABLES OVER AT THE BEAR.
WHY IS HE SO UPSET? HE FOUND A PUNCH OF MONEY IN THE TOMATO SAUCE, AND WHAT THE HECK
IS KENGERGY? >> AUNT LINDA, EVERYONE. >> NOW WHERE DO I GO?
>> FOR WEEKEND UPDATE >> GOODNIGHT
>>> ALL RIGHT, FOLKS. WELCOME TO THE FUN LAND GO KART
TRACK. WE GOT A CART STUCK OUT ON THE TRACK RIGHT NOW.
FOR NOW, SIT TIGHT. ONCE WE HAVE IT CLEARED OUT, WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.
>> THIS DAY ROCKS. WE RODE RIDES, PLAYED GAMES, AND NOW WE'RE DOING GO KARTS?
MOM, DAD, THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING US HERE. >> THAT'S GREAT, SON.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN. >> YES. IT'S BEEN A FUN DAY, AND NOW WE
ENJOY THE GO KARTS. >> YEAH. GO KARTS ARE MY FAVORITE.
>> ENJOY THE GO KARTS, SON. LET'S ALL HAVE FUN ON THE GO KARTS BECAUSE AFTER THE GO
KARTS, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO TELL YOU. >> OH, NO.
WHAT IS IT? >> YOU JUST ENJOY THE GO KARTS. YOU HAVE FUN THIS ONE MORE TIME,
AND THEN AFTER THAT, YOUR FATHER AND I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING VERY BAD.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. BUT FOR NOW, JUST ENJOY THE GO KARTS, SON.
ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF THEM. BECAUSE AFTER THAT, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU THE BAD
THING. >> OKAY. I KIND OF JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO
TELL ME RIGHT NOW. >> AND WE'RE CLEAR. SO HOW WE DOING TODAY, FOLKS?
>> GOOD FOR NOW. >> FOR NOW, GOOD. >> ALL RIGHT.
COOL, COOL. SO JUST A COUPLE THINGS TO GO OVER.
GAS IS ON THE RIGHT, BRAKE IS ON THE LEFT, AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO BUMPING ALLOWED, ALL RIGHT?
>> OH, CHRIS, HIM SAYING NO BUMPING REMINDS ME, WE STILL HAVEN'T DONE THE BUMPER BOATS.
>> CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT. SON, WE STILL HAVE TO DO THE BUMPER BOATS.
SO WOULD YOU RATHER HEAR IT AFTER? >> NEITHER.
I WANT TO KNOW THE BAD THING NOW. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, WE SHOULDN'T
EVEN BE ASKING HIM SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT SHOULDN'T BE UP TO HIM. ASHLEY, SWEETIE, DADDY HAS A QUESTION FOR YOU.
SWEETIE, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE'RE GOING TO LET YOU PICK. DO YOU WANT TO DO GO KARTS, HEAR
THE BAD THING, THEN DO BUMPER BOATS, OR BUMPER BOATS AND THEN HEAR THE BAD THING?
>> I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THE BAD THING NOW. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST
PLAY IT BY EAR. >> FINE WITH ME. >> KIDS, WE'RE GOING TO JUST
PLAY TELLING YOU THE BAD THING BY EAR, OKAY? SO THE REST OF THE DAY, JUST BE
READY. AT SOME POINT, WE'RE GOING TO DROP IT ON YOU, OKAY?
>> WHAT? >> JUST TELL US. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, SHEILA SHOULD
REALLY BE HERE WHEN WE TELL THEM. >> YOU'RE RIGHT.
DO YOU THINK SHEILA WOULD COME DOWN HERE AND MEET US. >> I'LL GIVE HER A CALL.
LET'S ASK. >> WHO IS SHEILA? >> SHE'S PART OF THE BAD THING.
>> HEY, SHEILA, IT'S BIG C. CAN YOU MEET US AT FUN LAND, HELP US BREAK THE NEWS TO THE
KIDS? GREAT. OKAY.
SEE YOU SOON. SHEILA'S IN. >> DAD, WHO IS SHEILA?
>> JUST FORGET IT. LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. OH, FUN RANDOM QUESTION FOR YOU
KIDS. IF YOUR FATHER AND I WERE ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF A POOL, WHO DO
YOU THINK YOU WOULD SWIM TO? >> WAIT, WHAT? >> I HAVE A QUESTION.
HOW WOULD Y'ALL FEEL IF I STARTED DRINKING AGAIN? >> DAD, WHAT?
WHY WOULD YOU START DRINKING AGAIN? >> WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL
ANYTHING, BUT AFTER YOU HEAR THE BAD THING, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY.
>> OKAY. LOOK, ENOUGH. MOM, DAD, PLEASE, JUST WHATEVER
THE BAD THING IS, TELL US. WE CAN HANDLE IT. >> OKAY.
FINE. BEFORE WE TELL YOU, I WANT YOU KIDS TO KNOW YOUR FATHER AND I
LOVE YOU, AND WE ALWAYS WILL. >> THAT'S RIGHT. AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
WE'RE STILL MOM AND DAD. THAT'S NEVER GONNA CHANGE. >> WE KNOW, DAD.
>> OF COURSE, DAD. >> OKAY. THEN, HERE IT GOES.
THE BAD THING IS -- >> ALL RIGHTY, FOLKS. ALL CLEAR TO RACE.
>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST HAVE FUN. WE'LL TELL YOU LATER.
>> NO! >> DAMN IT! >> DO NOT CUSS, YOUNG LADY!
>>> ONCE AGAIN, RAYE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * PA-PA-BA-DA I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA *
* STRINGS, WON'T YOU SING FOR ME, MY DEAR * * I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT
WORTH IT, WORTH IT ALL * * IF MY BODY WAS A BOAT COULD YOU STEER *
* THAT, SAILOR MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT'S A * * 1960s HOLLYWOOD TRAILER
CLASSIC LIKE CARS * * CLASSIC LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR *
* NEED YOU TO ROMANCE ME YEAH, I NEED A GIVER * * NOT A TAKER
YES, 'CAUSE I COULD LOVE * * YOU IF I REALLY WANTED TO YOU COULD BE *
* BE MY GLASS OF WINE WHEN THE SUN SETS * * HELP ME EXHALE
ALL THE EXCESS * * BABY, BAE, B-B-BAE B-B-BABY, WOULD YOU *
* WOULD YOU MAKE IT ALRIGHT OR MAYBE THAT MUCH BETTER * * IF YOU WANTED
YOU COULD MAKE IT ALL * * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT *
* OOH, WHEN I SEE THE SUN RISING * * YOU MAKE IT THAT
MUCH BETTER * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL *
* WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * OOH, WORTH ALL OF THE TIME
I'M 'BOUT TO GIVE YOU BABY * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL *
* WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * GIVE ALL OF THE TIME
I SHOULD BE WORKING ON ME * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL *
* WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * THIS IS THE NIGHT
SOMETHING 'BOUT IT'S MAKING ME CRY * * SEE MY SOUL, IT DID DECIDE
FEEL MY BODY SHIVER IN YOUR MOONLIGHT * * AND I NEED YOU TO
LET ME HAVE THE * * TIME OF MY LIFE CHECKED YOUR CREDENTIALS *
* SOUTH RESIDENTIALS OOH, BABY BOY * * YOU GOT SO MUCH POTENTIAL
I COULD LOVE YOU * * IF I REALLY WANTED TO YOU COULD BE *
* BE MY GLASS OF WINE WHEN THE SUN SETS * * HELP ME EXHALE
ALL THE EXCESS * * BABY, BAE, B-B-BAE B-B-BABY, WOULD YOU *
* WOULD YOU MAKE IT ALRIGHT OR MAYBE THAT MUCH BETTER * * IF YOU WANTED
YOU COULD MAKE IT ALL * * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT *
* OOH, WHEN I SEE THE SUN RISING * * YOU MAKE IT THAT
MUCH BETTER * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL *
* WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * OOH, WORTH ALL OF THE TIME
I'M 'BOUT TO GIVE YOU BABY * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL *
* WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * GIVE ALL OF THE TIME
I SHOULD BE WORKING ON ME * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL *
** ** **
* DON'T WANNA BE ALIVE BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE * * A FIST FULL OF PILLS
WITH RIVERS IN MY EYES * * I'VE NOTHIN' LEFT TO LOSE HEAR MY CRY *
* WHEN IT'S TOO DARK TO SEE LET THERE BE LIGHT * * LET THERE BE LIGHT
** ** * SEE, I WANT THE LIGHT IN MY
HEART, THE LIGHT IN MY CAR, I WANT THAT LIGHT IN MY DREAMS, I WANT THE LIGHT IN THE DARK *
AH, AH, OOH, YEAH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WELCOME TO SONIC PIONEERS. I'M IMANI CELESTE.
I WANTED TO BE A SINGER, BUT NOW I DO THIS. TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT ONE OF THE
MOST INFLUENTIAL FRENCH TELEVISION PROGRAMS IN THE 1970s, THE MUSIC VARIETY SHOW
"LA MAISON DU BANG." USHERING IN A NEW ERA OF DISCO, EURO-POP, AND FASHION
HOSTED BY THE REAL-LIFE MARRIED COUPLE JULES AND CAMILLE. WHO CREATED THAT WONDERFUL THEME
SONG. * LAAA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON, BANG!
BANG, BANG, BANG * * LA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON BANG *
[ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE ] >> IN FRANCE IN THE '70s THE
SMOKING AGE FOR BOYS WAS FOUR. "LA MAISON DU BANG" FEATURED SOME OF EUROPE'S MOST POPULAR
ARTISTS, INCLUDING TIPI TORNADE, THE DANCING TORNADO, WITH HER HIT, "HELP! YOU'RE MAKING ME
DANCE." * MON DIEU! JEDANSE! * **
* AH, NO, AH, OUI, ARRET! JE DANSE!* >> THE SHOW ALSO FEATURED
COCO DUBOIS WITH HER HIT, "NOUS PARTONS."UNFORTUNATELY, COCO WAS A HEAVY SMOKER AND
CONTRACTED EMPHYSEMA IN REAL TIME LIVE ON THE SHOW. TAKE A LOOK.
* ENSEMBLE NOUS PARTONS, CAR NOUS SOMES UN * >> "LA MAISON DU BANG" AIRED
FROM 1972 TO 1979, THE GOLDEN AGE OF FUNK. AND NO ONE IN FRANCE WAS MORE
FUNKY THAN LES GARCONS DU GROOVE, TWO WHITE GUYS FROM TOULOUSE.
HERE THEY ARE WITH THEIR HIT, "LA PAPILLON." **
* LA PAPILLON, SUR LA GAZON, BEURRE ET JAMBONN, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH *
* MON DIEU! JE DANSE!* >> YEP, THERE'S TIPI TORNADE AGAIN, WHO BECAME A REGULAR ON
THE SHOW BECAUSE SHE WAS ACTIVELY SQUATTING IN THE STUDIO.
THE SWINGING '70s WERE ON FULL DISPLAY IN "LA MAISON DU BANG". DANCE-POP ARTIST DELPOLEON ONCE
PERFORMED A SONG CALLED "OUI, OUI, OUI, NON" WHERE HE EXPLICITLY PICKED WOMEN OUT OF
THE AUDIENCE TO BE ESCORTED BACK TO HIS DRESSING ROOM. >> OUI.
OUI. OUI. NON.
OUI.
NON. MAYBE. >> THE SHOW WASN'T JUST ABOUT
MUSIC. IT ALSO FEATURED FUN VARIETY ACTS LIKE THE POPULAR MIME,
SPIROU. SPIROU HAD NEVER DONE TELEVISION AND ACCIDENTALLY STOOD TOO CLOSE
TO THE CAMERA. TAKE A LOOK. **
** >> PROBABLY THE MOST POPULAR
SEGMENT ON "LA MAISON DU BANG" WAS CALLED "MONT LA DANSE" OR "TURN UP THE DANCE."
JULES WOULD TURN A GIANT DIAL TO UP THE INTENSITY OF CAMILLE'S DANCING.
TAKE A LOOK. >> DEUX! CINQ!
** >> ONZE! **
>> THE SHOW LASTED NINE YEARS. UNFORTUNATELY, "LA MAISON DU BANG" WAS CANCELED IN 1979 AFTER
JULES AND CAMILLE DIVORCED DUE TO IRRECONCILABLE MURDER. BUT THE SHOW'S LEGACY WILL LIVE
ON. AU REVOIR, "DU BANG." AU REVOIR.
FOR SONIC PIONEERS, I'M IMANI CELESTE. >> MON DIEU! JE DANSE!
>>> THANK YOU TO RAYE, PAUL RUDD, PAULA PELL, MATT DAMON,
FRED ARMISEN, WILL FORTE, JON HA MARTIN SHORT, RYAN GOSLING, KEIA GERBER.
OH, MY GOD. YOU LOVE EVERY PERSON IN THIS BUILDING.
THANK YOU! I LOVE THIS PLACE. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.