1 00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:10,443 >> BACK TO THE NCAA MEN'S BASKETBALL POSTGAME, ERNIE 2 00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:15,415 JOHNSON ALONGSIDE KENNY THE JET SMITH. >> KENNY I'M THE JET. 3 00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:19,085 JUST TRYING SOMETHING. I'M SORRY. >> THANKS, KENNY. 4 00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:25,492 NOW WE OWE ELTON JOHN $10,000. THAT'S GREAT. ALSO, HERE'S CHARLES BARKLEY. 5 00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:30,563 >> I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON COLLEGE BASKETBALL. I AM MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE ON MY 6 00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:36,536 OTHER SHOW, YOU KNOW THE ONE ON CNN WITH GAYLE KING WHERE I TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION AND THE WORLD 7 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:41,341 ON UKRAINE. >> WELL, NONETHELESS, THE SEMIFINAL MATCHUP BETWEEN NUMBER 8 00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:46,746 ONE SEEDED UCONN AND THE FOUR SEED ALABAMA HAS JUST WRAPPED UP WITH UCONN VICTORIOUS. 9 00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:50,684 INITIAL REACTIONS? >> ERNIE, CAN I BE REAL WITH YOU? 10 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:54,354 I DIDN'T WATCH IT. >> ME EITHER. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST HARD TO GET 11 00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:57,490 EXCITED WHEN THERE'S BETTER GAMES ON. >> YOU MEAN THE NBA? 12 00:00:57,490 --> 00:01:02,862 >> THE WOMEN'S TOURNAMENT. >> THAT'S WHAT'S UP! >> YEAH. 13 00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:06,733 THE WOMEN ARE EXCITING. >> YEAH. MAN, THE WOMEN'S TOURNAMENT IS 14 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:14,174 WHERE THE ACTION'S AT. YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCHED THE IOWA-CONNECTICUT GAME? 15 00:01:14,174 --> 00:01:17,677 14 MILLION PEOPLE. MAN, THAT'S YOUNG SHELDON NUMBERS. 16 00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:22,082 >> PLUS WOMEN'S TOURNEY GOT THE STARS. CAITLIN CLARK IS DOING ADS FOR 17 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:30,557 STATE FARM, SUBWAY, XFINITY AND NIKE. I'M ONLY DOING ADS FOR THREE OF 18 00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:34,561 THEM. >> DID YOU SEE THAT SHOT SHE MADE IN THE CONNECTICUT-SOUTH 19 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:39,632 CAROLINA GAME? >> SHE DOESN'T PLAY FOR EITHER OF THOSE TEAMS. 20 00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:43,003 >> SHE SHOT IT FROM A DIFFERENT ARENA. >> CAN I TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING 21 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:48,408 ELSE ABOUT CAITLIN CLARK? SHE DUNKED ON ME ONCE. ON THE SET OF A SUBWAY AD. 22 00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:54,214 WE WERE SHOOTING AROUND, AND IN BETWEEN TAKES, SHE JUMPED 10 FEET IN THE AIR AND HUNG ON 23 00:01:54,214 --> 00:02:00,220 TO THE RIM, WRAPPED HER LEGS AROUND MY HEAD AND SAID, WELCOME TO THE CREAM TEAM, YOU 24 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:03,356 BALANCED-HEADED BITCH. GOT TO RESPECT THAT. YOU GOT TO RESPECT THAT LEVEL OF 25 00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:08,695 TRASH TALK. >> MAN, SHE IS SO COOL. BUT WE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE MEN 26 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,096 TOO. >> OKAY. FINE. 27 00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:16,302 LET'S GET IT OUT THE WAY. OKAY. THE MEN'S FINAL THIS MONDAY IS I 28 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:22,075 BELIEVE BETWEEN QUIMMINAC COLLEGE VERSUS NORTHERN SOUTHERN STATE. 29 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:28,348 >> NEITHER OF THOSE ARE REAL SCHOOLS. IT'S ACTUALLY 30 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:30,383 PURDUE-CONNECTICUT. CHARLES, CAN YOU BREAK DOWN THE MATCHUPS FOR US? 31 00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:37,657 >> HIM AND HIM. LET'S SEE, THIS GUY ON THIS GUY. HALF-STASH ON BRAIDS. 32 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:43,630 LET'S SEE, BABY FACE VERSUS BABY FACE. TALL WHITE VERSUS TALL ASIAN. 33 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:48,468 I THINK THAT ABOUT COVERS IT. >> YOU KNOW, LET'S TALK TO AN ACTUAL COLLEGE BASKETBALL 34 00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:52,972 EXPERT. JOINING US NOW VIA SATELLITE WITH HER TAKE ON THE TOURNEY IS 35 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:58,878 LSU WOMEN'S COACH, KIM MULKEY. KIM, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. >> GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL. 36 00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:04,617 YOU BOYS JUST DILL MY PICKLE. >> YOU LOOK GREAT. I LOVE THAT OUTFIT. 37 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:13,193 >> THANK YOU, CHARLES. I GOT THIS CUSTOM MADE. I JUST TOLD THEM, MAKE ME LOOK 38 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,296 LIKE THE RIDDLER WENT TO TALBOTS. >> YOU'RE KNOWN FOR BEING TOUGH 39 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:22,068 ON YOUR PLAYERS. SOME SAY TOO TOUGH. >> PLEASE, PEOPLE JUST THINK I'M 40 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:26,206 MEAN BECAUSE OF MY FACE. BUT THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN IN THE COLLEGE GAME, AND I WORK 41 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:32,278 MY GIRLS HARD EVERY DAY. I MAKE THEM RUN TEN MILES BREATHING IN LOUISIANA SWAMP 42 00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:36,616 GAS. THEN WE PRACTICE FULL CONTACT. IF I DON'T SEE HUSTLE, I'LL 43 00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:41,087 THROW A LIVE ALLIGATOR ON THE COURT. >> OKAY THEN. 44 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:47,961 COACH, WHO DO YOU LIKE FOR THE MEN ACE FINAL ON MONDAY? >> OH, NORTHERN SOUTHERN STATE. 45 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,964 >> SHE'S CLEARLY NOT WATCHING IT EITHER. THANKS, COACH. 46 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:56,102 >> MAN, I LIKE HER, MAN. SHE IS TOUGH, AND THAT'S WHY HER TEAMS ALWAYS WIN, EXCEPT THIS 47 00:03:56,102 --> 00:04:00,940 YEAR WHEN THEY LOST. >> ALL RIGHT, GUYS. WOMEN'S COLLEGE FINAL IS 48 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,910 TOMORROW. WHO YOU GOT? >> IT'S GOING TO BE CLOSE. 49 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:10,817 LET'S SEE WHO VEGAS LIKES FOR THIS ONE. LET ME JUST GOOGLE VEGAS WOMEN'S 50 00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,719 SPREAD. THAT'S NOT WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. 51 00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:16,589 >> WELL, I'M GOING WITH SOUTH CAROLINA. I MEAN, THEY HAVEN'T LOST A 52 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:20,827 SINGLE GAME THIS ENTIRE SEASON. >> COME ON, KENNY. YOU KNOW IOWA IS A TEAM OF 53 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:25,899 DESTINY, MAN. THEY HOT RIGHT NOW, AND THEY'VE GOT THE GREATEST PLAYER OF HER 54 00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:31,071 GENERATION. THAT'S WHY I BET 500,000 THEY'RE GOING TO LOSE BY TEN. 55 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,741 >> YOU GOT A PROBLEM, CHARLES. KEEP IT HERE AND -- >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 56 00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:36,576 SATURDAY NIGHT! 57 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:46,252 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 58 00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:02,395 FEATURING -- 59 00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:40,967 MUSICAL GUEST -- RAYE. AND YOUR HOST -- KRISTEN WIIG. 60 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:47,207 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KRISTEN WIIG! 61 00:06:47,207 --> 00:07:13,400 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> WOW. THANK YOU. 62 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,704 THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY. 63 00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:26,279 I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, AND I'M SO EXCITED BECAUSE IT IS MY FIFTH TIME HOSTING, SO I AM 64 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,548 OFFICIALLY -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] -- YEAH, OFFICIALLY IN THE FIVE 65 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,051 TIMERS CLUB. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, REALLY WITH QUICK. 66 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:36,656 I REALIZED I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO SAY HI TO THE BAND. MIND IF I DO THAT REALLY QUICK? 67 00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:42,295 ON KEYS, HOW YOU DOING? SEAN ON DRUMS, HOW ABOUT YOU? GREAT. 68 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:50,070 LENNY ON SAX, HOW YOU DOING? >> I'M OKAY. >> SO I HAVE TO SAY AS A FORMER 69 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:54,140 CAST MEMBER, IT IS VERY SPECIAL BEING A FIVE TIMER. I HAVE NEVER -- 70 00:07:54,140 --> 00:08:00,747 >> HEY, KRISTEN! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI, PAUL. 71 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:09,189 HI. >> I MEAN, RIGHT? THIS IS EXCITING. 72 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:13,493 IT'S SO EXCITING. AREN'T YOU EXCITED? TONIGHT YOU'RE GETTING YOUR FIVE 73 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,563 TIMERS JACKET. LOOK AT MINE, HUH? >> YEAH. 74 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:21,468 LOOKS GREAT. >> YOU KNOW, I ALSO HEARD A RUMOR YOU MIGHT BE DOING ONE OF 75 00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:25,505 THOSE FIVE TIMER SKETCHES FEATURING AWESOME CELEBRITY CAMEOS. 76 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:29,442 IS THERE LIKE A SCRIPT OR SOMETHING I COULD LOOK AT FOR THAT? 77 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,711 >> OH, SORRY. I DON'T THINK WE'RE DOING ONE OF THOSE. 78 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:37,384 >> OH. OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ] 79 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:44,591 >> BUT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT GETTING MY JACKET TONIGHT. OH, ANOTHER QUESTION. 80 00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:52,432 YES, PAULA. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI. 81 00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:59,873 I USED TO BE A WRITER HERE, BUT TONIGHT I'M PLAYING AN AUDIENCE MEMBER, SO SHE'S GOING TO 82 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:03,443 PRETEND LIKE SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME. >> WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, MA'AM? 83 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:07,580 >> I THINK IT'S SO SWEET THAT YOU'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT GETTING A FIVE TIMERS JACKET. 84 00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:14,187 YOU KNOW, THEY BASICALLY HAND THOSE OUT TO EVERYBODY LIKE FREE MAX iPADS. 85 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,824 >> THANK YOU. BUT THEY DON'T JUST HAND THE JACKETS OUT TO ANYONE. 86 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:21,895 YOU GOT TO HOST FIVE TIMES. OH, ANOTHER QUESTION. YES, MATT DAMON. 87 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:31,638 HI. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH. 88 00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:36,276 HI, KRISTEN. WELL, FIRST OFF, BIG FAN. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I GREW 89 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:45,652 UP WATCHING YOU ON SNL. >> GREW UP WATCHING ME ON SNL? WAIT, MATT, WHY DO YOU HAVE ON A 90 00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:49,155 FIVE TIMERS JACKET? HAVEN'T YOU ONLY HOSTED TWICE? >> YEAH. 91 00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:53,059 BUT LORNE SAID THE FIRST TIME I HOSTED WAS SO GOOD, IT COUNTED FOR THREE. 92 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:58,198 AND THEN, SECOND TIME, NOT QUITE AS GOOD, THAT ONLY COUNTED FOR TWO. 93 00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,601 BUT BY MY MATH, THAT'S FIVE, BABY. >> OKAY. 94 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,138 WELL, THAT DOESN'T REALLY SEEM FAIR. I MEAN, I'VE HOSTED FIVE TIMES. 95 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:10,010 I EARNED THIS, RIGHT? DOESN'T THIS JACKET HAVE ANY MEANING ANYMORE? 96 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,079 I DON'T KNOW. LORNE? >> THIS JACKET IS SO -- 97 00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:20,120 >> I MEAN, I LOVE IT. >> I LOVE THIS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 98 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:24,724 >> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. GUYS ARE YOU HERE GETTING JACKETS TOO? 99 00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:27,694 NONE OF YOU HAVE EVEN HOSTED FIVE TIMES. >> YEAH. 100 00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:32,198 BUT TOGETHER WE'VE HOSTED FIVE TIMES. LIKE I'VE HOSTED ONE TIME. 101 00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:36,169 >> AND I'VE HOSTED ONE TIME. MY JACKET'S A LITTLE SMALL, ISN'T IT? 102 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:41,641 >> I'VE HOSTED THREE TIMES. THE LAST TIME WAS IN 2010, BUT I'M SURE THE FOURTH ONE IS 103 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:46,980 COMING UP, RIGHT LORNE? >> HOW DARE YOU PUT LORNE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT? 104 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:52,886 I HAVEN'T HOSTED SINCE 2012. >> OH, SWEET. SO WE ARE DOING A FIVE TIMERS 105 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:56,322 SKETCH. >> GUYS, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT BEING 106 00:10:56,322 --> 00:11:00,360 IN THE FIVE TIMERS CLUB, BUT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S NOT EVEN THAT SPECIAL. 107 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,530 >> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT. I FEEL BAD. I SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU MY 108 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:09,769 JACKET. >> THAT'S FINE. YOU WERE GREAT. 109 00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:11,838 YOU DESERVE IT. >> I DO. I DO. 110 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:19,279 I MEAN, I CAME BACK FOR A BUNCH OF CAMEOS. I DID THAT CAVANAUGH THING. 111 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:22,949 REMEMBER THE CAVANAUGH? OH, REALLY? I GET A JACKET FOR THAT? 112 00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:27,087 >> THEY JUST GAVE YOU ANOTHER JACKET. >> JUST FOR A CAMEO, RIGHT? 113 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:32,092 THAT'S LIKE EXCESSIVE. I DON'T WANT IT. I'LL GIVE IT TO LIKE ONE OF MY 114 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,661 KIDS. KRISTEN, YOU SHOULD REALLY FEEL PROUD OF YOURSELF. 115 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:41,468 DID YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF THE FIVE TIMERS CLUB? >> NO, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT 116 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:46,006 TRUE. EMMA STONE WAS HERE JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO. 117 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,575 >> OKAY. FIRST FEMALE MEMBER OF THE FIVE TIMERS CLUB. 118 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:53,213 >> NO. I JUST SAID EMMA STONE WAS HERE. BY THE WAY, THERE'S LOTS OF 119 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:58,184 OTHER WOMEN. >> FIRST FRENCH WOMAN. >> I'M NOT A FRENCH WOMAN. 120 00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:04,257 >> I MEAN, YOU KIND OF SEEM FRENCH. LOOK, I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO 121 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:20,073 SAY IS -- * THIS IS YOUR NIGHT, IT'S NO SURPRISE, THE MEMORIES OF YOU AS 122 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:32,252 GILLY SHOULD WIN YOU A PRIZE * * THEY SHOULD HANG YOU UP IN THE LOO, THE TARGET LADY WOULD SAY I 123 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:36,956 APPROVE * * AND THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW IS TRUE, I WOULDN'T BE HERE 124 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:41,394 WITHOUT ALL OF YOU * >> OH, MY GOD. IS THAT RYAN GOSLING? 125 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:55,575 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN, I HAVEN'T EVEN HOSTED 126 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,177 THREE TIMES YET. IT SEEMS UNFAIR. >> I KNOW. 127 00:12:57,177 --> 00:13:11,524 >> OKAY. * THIS IS YOUR NIGHT, THIS IS YOUR NIGHT, THIS IS YOUR NIGHT * 128 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:15,495 >> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! RAYE IS HERE! 129 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,831 STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 130 00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:37,350 >>> WOW, BEV, PAT, YOU GUYS HAVE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELVES. 131 00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:41,321 THE CHICKEN WAS AMAZING. >> OUR PLEASURE. YOU GUYS ARE WELCOME ANY TIME. 132 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:45,091 >> TRUST US. WE'LL BE BACK. >> THANKS SO MUCH FOR WELCOMING 133 00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:47,594 ME. IT'S SO COOL TO FINALLY MEET HARRY'S FRIENDS. 134 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:53,233 >> WELL, HE'S NEVER INTRODUCED US TO ANYONE BEFORE, SO IT'S CLEAR YOU'RE A VERY SPECIAL GAL. 135 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:58,238 >> ALL RIGHT. WELL I HOPE YOU GUYS SAVED ROOM FOR FUN BECAUSE I PICKED UP THIS 136 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:01,408 COOL NEW BOARD GAME FOR US THE TRY. IT'S CALLED TICKET TO RIDE. 137 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:06,046 IT'S ABOUT TRAINS AND RAILROADS. I NEVER PLAYED BEFORE, BUT IT SEEPS LIKE A BLAST. 138 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:09,049 >> I LOVE A NEW BOARD GAME. >> I'M SO IN. >> SOUNDS FUN. 139 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:13,253 >> OH, WOW. OH. NO. 140 00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:19,559 NO. SORRY. >> OH, NINA, IS SOMETHING WRONG? 141 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:22,462 >> SORRY. JUST I DON'T PLAY BOARD GAMES. YEAH. 142 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:27,133 NO. >> OH, YEAH. SORRY, Y'ALL. 143 00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:30,804 NINA DOESN'T PLAY BOARD GAMES. SHE'S KIND OF FREAKED OUT BY THEM. 144 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:34,741 >> BABE, YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND LIKE I'M AFRAID OF BOARD GAMES. I'M NOT. 145 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:38,111 >> YEAH. IMAGINE BEING AFRAID OF BOARD GAMES. 146 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:41,147 >> RIGHT? NO, NO. I'M NOT AFRAID OF BOARD GAMES. 147 00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:47,487 I'M AFRAID OF GETTING JUMANJIED. >> OH. JUMANJIED? 148 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:53,393 >> YEAH. YOU GUYS EVER SEEN THE FILM CALLED JUMANJI ABOUT THE GAME? 149 00:14:53,393 --> 00:15:00,333 >> YEAH, SURE. >> WELL, I JUST WANT TO BE CAUTIOUS PLAYING GAMES. 150 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:06,773 I DON'T KNOW. LEST IT SHOULD JUMANJI ME. >> YOU MEAN THE FICTIONAL MOVIE 151 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:11,611 ABOUT A MAGICAL GAME? >> I MEAN, JUMANJI IS A MOVIE. IT ISN'T REAL. 152 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:18,084 >> YOU LITERALLY CAN'T PROVE THAT. >> UM, BABE, YOU'RE NOT GETTING 153 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:21,855 JUMANJIED. >> I KNOW I'M NOT GETTING JUMANJIED BECAUSE I WILL NOT PUT 154 00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:26,526 MYSELF IN A POSITION TO BE JUMANJIED. >> JUMANJI ISN'T REAL, THOUGH. 155 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:30,897 EVEN IF JUMANJI WERE REAL, THIS ISN'T JUMANJI, IT'S TICKET TO RIDE. 156 00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:38,605 >> A GAME DOESN'T HAVE TO BE JUMANJI FOR THAT GAME TO JUMANJI ME. 157 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:47,280 JUST HOW GETTING ROOFFY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A ROOFIE. >> I SAW JUMANJI AND THEY GET 158 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:52,285 SUCKED INTO A VIDEO GAME. >> WHAT? >> THE ROCK AND KEVIN HART. 159 00:15:52,285 --> 00:16:03,029 >> COME ON, BEVERLY, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE NEW JUMANJI. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE TRUE 160 00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:05,598 JUMANJI. JUMANJI, JUMANJI. >> SO YOU HAVE SEEN IT. 161 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,568 AND YET YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO JUMANJI ME. >> OKAY. 162 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:14,040 WHAT EVEN IS JUMANJI TO YOU, LADY? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU THINK 163 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:19,479 JUMANJI IS GOING INTO JUMANJI, BUT IN JUMANJI, JUMANJI COMES OUT. 164 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:27,354 THE KIDS DON'T GO INTO JUMANJI, JUMANJI COMES OUT OF JUMANJI. >> ROBIN WILLIAMS GOES INTO 165 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:31,157 JUMANJI. >> ONE GUY. THE REST OF JUMANJI IS JUMANJI 166 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:34,828 COMES OUT. >> YOU'RE YELLING. >> I'M JUST SAYING, SHE DOESN'T 167 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:40,800 KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. WHICH IS IT? ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING 168 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:47,474 JUMANJIED INTO JUMANJI OR JUMANJI THAT COMES OUT? >> JUMANJI IS A SERIES OF JUNGLE 169 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:52,078 EMERGENCIES. THAT SIR, IS JUMANJI, AND WE ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THAT. 170 00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:56,649 WE HAVE NO MEDICINES. WE HAVE NO ROPE. >> THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT WOULD 171 00:16:56,649 --> 00:17:02,088 HAPPEN IF WE GOT JUMANJIED INTO THIS TRAIN BECAUSE THIS GAME IS TRAINS. 172 00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:10,196 >> IF I GOT JUMANJIED INTO MONOPOLY, IT'S BE THE MUSTACHE MAN, NOT JUNGLE EMERGENCY. 173 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:17,370 >> OH, SO NOW EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT ON JUMANJI? BECAUSE FIVE F'ing SECONDS AGO, 174 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:22,942 YOU ALL ACTED LIKE I WAS A NUT. >> I AMENT THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE, AND I WANT TO PLAY THE 175 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:28,048 GAME I GOT FROM THE OLD LADY AT THE ESTATE SALE. WE ARE PLAYING THIS DAMN GAME. 176 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:32,719 OKAY. JUST BECAUSE FOG IS COMING OUT OF THE BOX DOES NOT MEAN WE'RE 177 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:39,726 GETTING JUMANJIED. WE'RE NOT GETTING JUMANJIED. >> WE GETTING JUMANJIED. 178 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:52,372 >> I KNEW IT! >> BABE, WHAT'S HAPPENING? >> ARR! 179 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:56,810 >> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S MY BAD, Y'ALL. >> WELL, WELL, WELL. 180 00:17:56,810 --> 00:18:04,584 WELCOME TO TICKET TO RIDE. WE GOT A RAILROAD TO BUILD. AND IF ANY OF YOU TRY TO LEAVE, 181 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:10,023 YOU'LL BE TIED TO THE TRACKS AND LEFT FOR THE COYOTES. EXCEPT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU 182 00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:15,161 SPECIFICALLY SAID YOU DID NOT WANT TO BE JUMANJIED INTO TRAIN GAME. 183 00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:17,430 YOU ARE FREE TO GO. >> YES! I KNEW IT. 184 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:21,034 I'M FREE. AND HARRY, I DON'T THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK OUT BECAUSE IT 185 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:27,807 SEEMS LIKE YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOING TO DIE. >> AWW, YOU LOST YOUR GIRL. 186 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:32,746 THAT'S TOO BAD. BUT, HEY, JUST REMEMBER, IF YOU LOSE THE GAME, YOU DIE IN REAL 187 00:18:32,746 --> 00:18:37,317 LIFE. HOPE THAT HELPS. ALL ABOARD! 188 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,929 >>> MEREDITH, I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS. 189 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:54,634 >> OH, COME ON, JESS. I THINK IT'LL BE FUN. LET'S GO. 190 00:18:54,634 --> 00:19:02,876 >> HELLO? >> WHAT IS THIS PLACE? WHY IS IT SO DARK? 191 00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:12,886 >> AND WHAT ARE THESE MACHINES? >> HEY, MAMAS, IS THIS YOUR FIRST CLASS? 192 00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:19,592 >> PILATES, FROM THE CREATOR OF SAW X AND THE MARKETING DIRECTOR FOR ALO COMES A CHILLING NEW 193 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:23,129 LOOK AT GIRL HORROR. >> IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT'LL BE. 194 00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:27,767 IT'S SO HARD, BUT IT'S ALSO SO BORING. >> GOOD JOB, MAMAS. 195 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:34,040 NOW TAKE THOSE FOOT STRAPS TO YOUR HAND STRAPS, WRAP YOUR HAND STRAPS AROUND YOUR FOOT STRAPS, 196 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,044 TAKE THOSE ANKLE STRAPS AROUND YOUR WAIST AND THE KNEE STRAPS AROUND YOUR HEAD. 197 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:43,183 >> THE MACHINE IS CALLED A REFORMER. LOOKS LIKE IT'S DESIGNED FOR 198 00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:48,321 TORTURE, BUT SOMEHOW ALSO SEX. >> IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD. >> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. 199 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:53,960 TIME IS DIFFERENT IN THERE. >> HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? FOUR HOURS? 200 00:19:53,960 --> 00:20:00,066 >> IT'S BEEN 11 SECONDS. >> WHO ARE THESE WOMEN? >> THE VIBE IS BAD. 201 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:04,738 MOST OF THE WOMEN ARE EX-DANCERS OR FIRST-TIME MOMS. >> EVERYONE, JUST FOLLOW WHAT 202 00:20:04,738 --> 00:20:12,846 NAOMI IS DOING. >> OH, MY GOD. >> USUALLY THERE ARE EIGHT 203 00:20:12,846 --> 00:20:17,183 GORGEOUS WOMEN, ONE GAY MAN NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR. >> I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU, 204 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:25,825 GIRLIES. >> AND SOMETIMES GAYA GERBER. >> WILL THERE BE ANY 205 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:30,930 MODIFICATIONS? >> CHELSEA DOESN'T NEED ANY MODIFICATIONS. 206 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:35,902 SHE DOES ALL THE MOVES. >> AND I'M 11 MONTHS. >> IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OUT. 207 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:40,507 >> WHO IS THIS? >> HEY, MEREDITH. MISSED YOU TODAY IN CLASS. 208 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:44,377 >> OH, SORRY. I'M SICK. >> WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK SICK. 209 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:49,416 >> AHH! >> IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THEIR RULES, THEN GOD HELP YOU. 210 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:55,789 >> HEY, GIRLY POP, DID YOU FORGET YOUR STICKY SOCKS? >> YEAH, BUT I CAN JUST WEAR MY 211 00:20:55,789 --> 00:21:00,126 REGULAR SOCKS, RIGHT? >> SURE. >> AHH! 212 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:05,465 >> AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU COULD NEVER BE ONE OF THEM. >> MEREDITH, PLEASE, I CAN'T 213 00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:09,202 TAKE THIS. LET'S JUST GO. MEREDITH? 214 00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:15,208 >> WHY SO STRESSED, MAMA CITA? THE BURN FEELS SO GOOD. >> ALL RIGHT, MAMAS. 215 00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:18,611 GO AHEAD AND GRAB THOSE ONE-POUND WEIGHTS. >> ONE POUND? 216 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:28,288 EASY. >> AWW, I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DIE. >> PILATES, EMBRACE THE SHAKE. 217 00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:37,097 >>> OH, BOY. >> WELL, ALAN, I CAN'T THANK YOU 218 00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:42,302 ENOUGH FOR TAKING MY CASE. >> I FIGURED YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY CASE, I MAY AS WELL TAKE YOURS. 219 00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:48,508 >> I AM ANNOYING. >> MR. CUTCHIN, THIS IS MY SECRETARY TRUDY. 220 00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:54,114 >> HI BOYS, HAPPY FRIDAY. >> LIFE'S EASY WHEN YOU HAVE A SECRETARY TO THINK FOR YOU. 221 00:21:54,114 --> 00:22:01,254 COULD YOU PLEASE PICK UP MY -- >> CUBAN CIGAR? RIGHT HERE BOSS. 222 00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:04,290 >> YOUR SECRETARY IS ONE OF A KIND. >> SHE'S ONLY RIGHT HALF THE 223 00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:10,130 TIME, SO I HIRED A SECOND SECRETARY, AND NOW THEY'RE BOTH WRONG ALL THE TIME. 224 00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:13,533 MEET TOOTIE. >> ONLY TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL CHURCH. 225 00:22:13,533 --> 00:22:16,903 >> TOOTIE, WOULD YOU MIND PICKING UP -- >> YOUR SON FROM DAY CARE? 226 00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:24,277 GOT HIM RIGHT HERE. >> TOOTIE, I DON'T HAVE A SON. >> WELL, THEN YOUR DAUGHTER 227 00:22:24,277 --> 00:22:31,284 DRESSES LIKE A BOY. >> TOOTIE, HUH IS THAT A FIRST NAME OR A LAST ONE? 228 00:22:31,284 --> 00:22:39,726 >> IT'S A MIDDLE ONE AND I'M READY TO ROLL. KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN. 229 00:22:39,726 --> 00:22:46,366 >> THAT'S NOT IN THE HAND BOOK. GALS, WE WOULD LIKE A DRINK. >> I'LL DO A BOURBON. 230 00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:53,873 >> ON THE ROCKS OR ON THE RACKS? >> WHAT'S ON THE RACKS? >> BOURBON ON THE RACKS COMING 231 00:22:53,873 --> 00:23:00,313 RIGHT UP. >> OH, WAIT. DID YOU WANT IT STIRRED? 232 00:23:00,313 --> 00:23:04,651 >> OKAY. THAT'S ENOUGH. WE'LL BE IN MY OFFICE IF YOU 233 00:23:04,651 --> 00:23:09,189 NEED ME. WE'RE GOING OVER MR. CUTCHIN'S ALIBI. 234 00:23:09,189 --> 00:23:13,193 >> WAIT. HOW DID I KNOW YOU WOULD GET A LITTLE DAY NICHE ON YOUR 235 00:23:13,193 --> 00:23:16,129 NECKTIE? >> AND LOOK AT THESE SOILED TROUSERS. 236 00:23:16,129 --> 00:23:20,300 THEY NEED A DRY CLEANING. >> LADIES, I'M FINE. >> AND I'M FULL. 237 00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:24,170 >> AND I'M FED. >> AFTERNOON, LADIES. I'VE GOT A LUNCH -- 238 00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:30,276 >> DELIVER WILLRY. >> YES. YOU ORDERED A SAND -- 239 00:23:30,276 --> 00:23:34,781 >> WITCH. >> AND A SIDE OF COLE. >> ONOSCOPY. 240 00:23:34,781 --> 00:23:40,153 >> NOPE. >> PLT PETERMAN'S SANDWICH IS COLD, AND I ORDERED IT HOT. 241 00:23:40,153 --> 00:23:45,658 >> QUICK. PUT IT HERE. >> SMELLS LIKE MAMA'S COOKING. 242 00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:49,896 >> WHERE IS MY -- >> PANINI? RIGHT HERE, BOSS. 243 00:23:49,896 --> 00:23:56,970 >> PANINI, SANDO OF THE FUTURE. >> MY GOODNESS. WELL, IT TASTES LIKE ASS. 244 00:23:56,970 --> 00:24:00,940 TOOTIE, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR ASSOCIATE, JIM. 245 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:05,545 JIM. >> NICE TO MEET YOU, TOOTIE. >> YOU LOOK LIKE AN EDUCATED 246 00:24:05,545 --> 00:24:07,414 MAN. YALE? >> NO. 247 00:24:07,414 --> 00:24:10,450 >> HARVARD? >> NO. >> YARVARD? 248 00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:12,819 >> NO. >> HOGWARTS. >> I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO 249 00:24:12,819 --> 00:24:16,690 LEAVE. >> TRUDY, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO -- >> KICK MY FEET UP AND TAKE A 250 00:24:16,690 --> 00:24:25,398 LOAD OFF? NOW THAT I CAN DO. >> OH, MY GOD. 251 00:24:25,398 --> 00:24:29,803 SHE JUST FELL RIGHT THROUGH HER DESK. >> YEAH. 252 00:24:29,803 --> 00:24:39,079 AND SOMEHOW I DON'T KNOW HER SKIRT JUST FLEW OFF. >> NOW, WHERE'S TRUDY? 253 00:24:39,079 --> 00:24:44,084 >> OH, IT LOOKS LIKE TRUDY FELL RIGHT THROUGH THE OFFICE GLOBE. >> AND HER TOP GOT SUCKED INTO 254 00:24:44,084 --> 00:24:51,524 SPACE. >> TOOTIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? >> YES, I'M ALL RIGHT. 255 00:24:51,524 --> 00:24:56,396 LITTLE CHILLY ON THE BOTTOMS. >> YES. I MUST ADMIT, THE SIGHT OF YOU 256 00:24:56,396 --> 00:25:03,136 WITH NO BOTTOMS IS -- >> MAKING YOU FORGET THERE'S A BABY IN MY DESK? 257 00:25:03,136 --> 00:25:04,504 >> YES. PERHAPS WE COULD RAISE IT TOGETHER. 258 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:09,275 BUT FIRST, WOULD YOU LET ME -- >> GO BANOODLES ON THIS DOG-ASS HO? 259 00:25:09,275 --> 00:25:14,514 >> THAT PART. >> OH, MR. CUTCHINS, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME? 260 00:25:14,514 --> 00:25:26,893 DIP ME! >> WELL, AIN'T LOVE A CATCH. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M 261 00:25:26,893 --> 00:25:31,064 GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BOURBON ON THE RACKS. 262 00:25:41,775 --> 00:25:45,779 >>> JERRY, YOU SHARED YOUR KNOWLEDGE, YOUR WARMTH, YOUR 263 00:25:45,779 --> 00:25:52,085 PASSION FOR ACCOUNTING, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU SHARED YOUR CORN NUTS, AND I WILL NEVER 264 00:25:52,085 --> 00:25:57,924 FORGET THAT. HAPPY RETIREMENT, JERRY. >> ALL RIGHT. 265 00:25:57,924 --> 00:26:00,727 THANK YOU COLLEEN. OKAY. IT'S BEEN A GREAT NIGHT WITH SO 266 00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:06,032 MANY WELL WISHERS, BUT IT'S TIME TO WRAP THINGS UP. SORRY. 267 00:26:06,032 --> 00:26:10,870 YES, OF COURSE. OKAY. WE HAVE ONE MORE SPEAKER. 268 00:26:10,870 --> 00:26:15,942 >> THANK YOU. I NEED TO TELL A LITTLE STORY ABOUT THIS SAINT JERRY. 269 00:26:15,942 --> 00:26:22,315 HE HELPED ME OUT ON ONE OF THE HARDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. I SAY ONE OF BECAUSE I WITNESSED 270 00:26:22,315 --> 00:26:29,055 A TRIPLE MURDER AS A TODDLER. ANY WHO, ONE DAY I BROUGHT MY PRECIOUS PEBBLES TO WORK. 271 00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:34,728 PEBBLES WAS MY SERVICE CHINCHILLA. SOMEHOW PEBBLES GOT STUCK IN THE 272 00:26:34,728 --> 00:26:42,102 INDUSTRIAL FAN AND WAS TRAGICALLY KILLED TO DEATH. HEAD RIPPED OFF HER BODY AND 273 00:26:42,102 --> 00:26:50,076 THROWN ACROSS THE ROOM. THE REST OF HER LOOKED LIKE IT HAD BEEN SPRAYED INTO A 274 00:26:50,076 --> 00:26:57,484 WOODCHIPER. JERRY HELPED ME SPOOL INTESTINES INTO HIS STARBUCKS MUG WHILE I 275 00:26:57,484 --> 00:27:02,088 COLLECTED THE REST OF WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS CHUM. THANK YOU, JERRY. 276 00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:07,727 HERE'S YOUR UNWASHED MUG BACK. >> DON'T GIVE IT TO ME. WELL, IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT WITH 277 00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:09,796 GREAT MEMORIES. >> EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU. 278 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:19,072 RETIREE IN THE HOUSE! CONGRATULATIONS, JERRY. NOW, AS YOU MAY NOW, WE ARE THE 279 00:27:19,072 --> 00:27:29,282 OFFICE MUSICAL IMPROV TROOP. GITS AND SHIGGLES. >> WE MEET EVERY FRIDAY AFTER 280 00:27:29,282 --> 00:27:35,321 WORK AND EVERY MONDAY BEFORE WORK FROM 4:00 TO 59 A.M. >> WE HAVE BEEN SPECIFICALLY 281 00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:40,060 ASKED NOT TO PER TOMORROW NIGHT, AND WE RESPECT THAT, UNLESS SOMEONE HAS A SUGGESTION FOR A 282 00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:47,300 LOCATION AND A STYLE OF MUSIC? >> NO. >> OKAY. 283 00:27:47,300 --> 00:27:50,570 I HEARD R. KELLY. >> OKAY. LET'S NOT. 284 00:27:50,570 --> 00:27:52,872 OKAY. THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHT. 285 00:27:52,872 --> 00:27:58,611 THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, JER ARE I, WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU. 286 00:27:58,611 --> 00:28:05,452 I WISH I COULD TALK ABOUT ALL THE FUN WE'VE HAD OVER THE YEARS, BUT HR IS HERE, AKA, THE 287 00:28:05,452 --> 00:28:11,091 SEX POLICE. DO YOU GUYS THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH SEX NOW? 288 00:28:11,091 --> 00:28:16,029 WE MUST BE ROBOTS AND WORKER DRONES. CANNOT FEEL ANYTHING IN MY BOXER 289 00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:18,665 BRIEFS WHILE AT WORK. WELL, I HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION. 290 00:28:18,665 --> 00:28:22,235 I THINK THE WISDOM OF THE BODY IS SACRED. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, WENDY FROM 291 00:28:22,235 --> 00:28:34,814 SECURITY? WENDY AND I DID SOMETHING VERY SACRED TOGETHER ON EVERY ONE OF 292 00:28:34,814 --> 00:28:36,816 YOUR DESKS. >> OKAY. LET'S END THAT THERE. 293 00:28:36,816 --> 00:28:40,487 I'M NOT SURE WHY PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY TO JUST GRAB THE. NO. 294 00:28:40,487 --> 00:28:48,061 IT'S A FLAT NO, MA'AM. MA'AM, MA'AM. YOU'RE JUST TAKING THE MIC? 295 00:28:48,061 --> 00:28:57,704 OKAY. >> EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME. I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT 296 00:28:57,704 --> 00:29:04,310 TO TELL YOU. JERRY HAS BEEN STEALING FROM THE COMPANY. 297 00:29:04,310 --> 00:29:07,080 >> NO. THAT IS NOT TRUE. >> HE HAS. 298 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:11,117 >> HE HASN'T. >> HE HAS. HE'S BEEN STEALING OUR HEARTS. 299 00:29:11,117 --> 00:29:15,522 >> OKAY. WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET. >> AND JERRY ASSAULTED ME. 300 00:29:15,522 --> 00:29:20,694 >> OH, MY GOD. >> WITH GUIDANCE AND INFORMATION. 301 00:29:20,694 --> 00:29:32,772 ZBLU CAN'T START IT LIKE -- >> HE WAS A GREAT MENTOR. NEVER BE ALONE IN A ROOM WITH 302 00:29:32,772 --> 00:29:35,375 JERRY. >> JESUS. >> BECAUSE HE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH 303 00:29:35,375 --> 00:29:40,780 SO HARD YOU CAN'T BREATHE. HE KISSED ME ONCE ON THE MOUTH. >> THANK YOU. 304 00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:47,787 ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LEAVE? YOU KNOW HOW TO LEAVE? 305 00:29:47,787 --> 00:29:50,323 THERE YOU GO. OKAY. >> HEY, JERRY. 306 00:29:50,323 --> 00:29:55,895 ALL THE GUYS IN SALES PITCHED IN AND GOT YOU SOMETHING. >> GROSS. 307 00:29:55,895 --> 00:29:58,198 GROSS. NOT THRILLED ABOUT TALKING INTO THIS MIC NOW. 308 00:29:58,198 --> 00:30:06,206 >> HEY. HI. I'M HOLLYWOOD ACTOR MATT DAMON 309 00:30:06,206 --> 00:30:14,314 FROM THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE. A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I WAS DOING RESEARCH FOR A MOVIE. 310 00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:23,656 THE CHARACTER WAS A SEX ADDICT, A PEEPING TOM CHARACTER WITH A MAJOR ARMPIT FETISH. 311 00:30:23,656 --> 00:30:27,494 NATURALLY, THAT LED ME TO JERRY. >> HEY, MAN. MY FAMILY IS HERE. 312 00:30:27,494 --> 00:30:30,697 >> JERRY, THANK YOU FOR OPENING UP YOUR LIFE TO ME. YOU ARE SO BRAVE. 313 00:30:30,697 --> 00:30:36,169 AND THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN SHOW YOUR FACE IN PUBLIC SHOWS ME A STRENGTH I JUST DIDN'T KNOW 314 00:30:36,169 --> 00:30:42,142 PEOPLE HAD. WHILE THE MOVIE NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT WAS WAY TOO 315 00:30:42,142 --> 00:30:49,049 DEPRESSING, I PUT EVERYTHING I LEARNED FROM YOU INTO THE SUB TEXT IN THAT GUY I PLAYED IN 316 00:30:49,049 --> 00:30:53,253 "OPPENHEIMER." THAT IS ALL YOU, JERRY. LET'S HAVE A TOAST TO EVERYBODY. 317 00:30:53,253 --> 00:30:58,024 >> NOT THE CHINCHILLA MUG! >> OH, MY GOD. >> ALL RIGHT. 318 00:30:58,024 --> 00:31:10,070 I'M JUST GOING TO TURN OFF THIS MIC AND END THIS. OH, MY GOD. 319 00:31:10,070 --> 00:31:18,211 >> CONGRATULATIONS ON THE RETIREMENT, JERRY. WE HAVE NEVER MET. 320 00:31:18,211 --> 00:31:26,086 I AM THE STEP NEPHEW OF THE EVENT COORDINATOR. I WASN'T PLANNING TO SAY 321 00:31:26,086 --> 00:31:33,360 ANYTHING, BUT WHEN I HEARD TALK OF CORN NUTS, I FELT COMPELLED TO PUT IN MY TWO CENTS. 322 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:42,102 DEATH IS IN THIS ROOM. COMES FOR US ALL. BUT DEATH IS NOT AN END. 323 00:31:42,102 --> 00:31:53,113 IT IS THE BEGINNING. OF EVERLASTING DARKNESS AND SILENCE OF A FEAST FOR WORMS WHO 324 00:31:53,113 --> 00:32:02,088 CHOMP ON YOUR BODIES WITH THEIR TINY LITTLE TEETH. THOUGH YOU'RE DEAD, YOU FEEL 325 00:32:02,088 --> 00:32:10,897 EVERY EXCRUCIATING NIBBLE. BUT THAT'S JUST MY TWO CENTS. AND TWO CENTS ISN'T WORTH WHAT 326 00:32:10,897 --> 00:32:23,109 IT USED TO BE BECAUSE OF THE FAILED ECONOMIC POLICIES OF JOSEPH HUSSEIN BIDEN. 327 00:32:23,109 --> 00:32:37,691 AGAIN, HAPPY RETIREMENT, JERRY. I MURDERED THE CHINCHILLA. >> AND I SMOKED NEXT TO MY TANK, 328 00:32:37,691 --> 00:32:40,293 AND IT'S GOING TO BLOW. 329 00:32:50,937 --> 00:32:55,008 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RAYE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 330 00:32:55,008 --> 00:33:14,894 ** * SLEAZIN' AND TEASIN' I'M SITTIN' ON HIM * 331 00:33:14,894 --> 00:33:19,199 * THEN I SAID ALL OF MY DIAMONDS * * ARE DRIPPIN' ON HIM 332 00:33:19,199 --> 00:33:30,443 YOU SEE * * I MET HIM AT THE BAR IT WAS 12 OR SOMETHIN' * 333 00:33:30,443 --> 00:33:37,884 * THEN I ORDERED TWO MORE WINES AT THE BAR * * TWO MORE WINES 334 00:33:37,884 --> 00:33:55,101 'CAUSE TONIGHT, I WANT HIM I WANT HIM, I WANT HIM * ** 335 00:33:55,101 --> 00:33:59,372 * A LITTLE CONTEXT IF YOU CARE TO LISTEN * * I FIND MYSELF 336 00:33:59,372 --> 00:34:03,109 IN A POSITION * * THE MAN THAT I LOVE SAT ME DOWN LAST NIGHT * 337 00:34:03,109 --> 00:34:07,347 * AND HE TOLD ME THAT IT'S OVER, DUMB DECISION * * AND I DON'T WANNA FEEL 338 00:34:07,347 --> 00:34:11,117 HOW MY HEART IS RIPPIN' * * IN FACT I DON'T WANNA FEEL SO I STICK TO SIPPIN' * 339 00:34:11,117 --> 00:34:14,854 * AND I'M OUT ON THE TOWN WITH A SIMPLE MISSION * * IN MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS 340 00:34:14,854 --> 00:34:18,625 AND THIS IS SITTIN' * * JUST A HEART BROKE HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH * 341 00:34:18,625 --> 00:34:21,861 * IN THE BACK OF THE NIGHTCLUB SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE * 342 00:34:21,861 --> 00:34:25,065 * I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THESE SISTERS I'M WITH * * IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI 343 00:34:25,065 --> 00:34:29,336 SNIFFIN' SOME * * DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX * 344 00:34:29,336 --> 00:34:33,573 * I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN WHO WAS ON THE SAME PAGE * * NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO 345 00:34:33,573 --> 00:34:36,242 BACK TO THE BAR * * TO THE BENTLEY TO THE HOTEL * 346 00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:43,717 * TO MY OLD WAYS 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I DID LAST NIGHT 347 00:34:43,717 --> 00:34:49,589 NO I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I DID LAST NIGHT DOCTOR, DOCTOR * 348 00:34:49,589 --> 00:34:53,326 * ANYTHING, PLEASE DOCTOR, DOCTOR * * HAVE MERCY ON ME 349 00:34:53,326 --> 00:34:57,097 TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY * * YOU'RE ASKING ME MY SYMPTOMS, DOCTOR * 350 00:34:57,097 --> 00:35:01,368 * I DON'T WANNA FEEL TOKE THIS JOINT HOW * * I'M BLOWIN' THIS STEAM 351 00:35:01,368 --> 00:35:06,706 BACK TO MY WAYS LIKE 2019 * * NOT 24 HOURS SINCE MY EX DID IT * 352 00:35:06,706 --> 00:35:10,610 * I GOT A NEW MAN ON ME IT'S ABOUT TO GET SWEATY * * LAST NIGHT REALLY WAS THE 353 00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:13,680 CHERRY ON THE CAKE * * BEEN SOME DARK DAYS LATELY AND I'M FINDING * 354 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,850 * IT CRIPPLING EXCUSE MY STATE * * I'M AS HIGH AS YOUR HOPES 355 00:35:16,850 --> 00:35:19,486 THAT YOU'LL MAKE * * IT TO MY BED GET ME SIZZLING * 356 00:35:19,486 --> 00:35:23,189 * IF I TAKE A STEP BACK TO SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL * * AT LEAST IT'S THE PRADA 357 00:35:23,189 --> 00:35:27,060 TWO-PIECE THAT I'M * * TRIPPIN' IN I'M ALREADY ACTIN' * 358 00:35:27,060 --> 00:35:30,163 * LIKE A -- KNOW WHAT I MEAN * * SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL 359 00:35:30,163 --> 00:35:32,832 JUST A HEART BROKE * * HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH IN THE BACK * 360 00:35:32,832 --> 00:35:36,636 * OF THE NIGHTCLUB SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE * * I DON'T TRUST ANY OF 361 00:35:36,636 --> 00:35:40,340 THESE SISTERS I'M WITH * * IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI SNIFFIN' SOME * 362 00:35:40,340 --> 00:35:44,077 * DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX * * I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN 363 00:35:44,077 --> 00:35:49,949 NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO * * BACK TO THE BAR TO THE BENTLEY * 364 00:35:49,949 --> 00:35:55,822 * TO THE HOTEL TO MY OLD WAYS * * 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL 365 00:35:55,822 --> 00:36:01,695 HOW I DID LAST NIGHT * * NO I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT * 366 00:36:01,695 --> 00:36:08,635 * DOCTOR, DOCTOR ANYTHING, PLEASE * * DOCTOR, DOCTOR 367 00:36:08,635 --> 00:36:10,837 HAVE MERCY ON ME * * YOU'RE ASKING ME MY SYMPTOMS, DOCTOR * 368 00:36:10,837 --> 00:36:18,812 * I DON'T WANNA FEEL I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I FELT LAST NIGHT 369 00:36:18,812 --> 00:36:27,954 I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I FELT LAST NIGHT NO, NO, NO 370 00:36:27,954 --> 00:36:39,199 I DON'T WANNA FEEL * * HOW I DID LAST NIGHT WE HAVE SOME DRUMS HERE * 371 00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:53,747 ** * I'LL BE LIPSTICK SMUDGED LIKE MODERN ART * 372 00:36:53,747 --> 00:36:56,449 * I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE -- I AM OR WHO'S DRIVIN' THE CAR * 373 00:36:56,449 --> 00:36:59,219 * SPEEDIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY SIPPIN' * * MIXIN' PILLS WITH THE 374 00:36:59,219 --> 00:37:02,856 LIQUOR 'CAUSE THESE FEELINGS * * I LEFT EVERYONE 375 00:37:02,856 --> 00:37:06,059 I LOVE ON READ * * SPILLING SECRETS TO THE STRANGER IN MY BED * 376 00:37:06,059 --> 00:37:09,295 * I REMEMBER NOTHING SO THERE'S NOTHING TO REGRET * 377 00:37:09,295 --> 00:37:20,306 * OTHER THAN THIS 4-4 KICK DRUM POUNDIN' IN MY HEAD ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 378 00:37:25,845 --> 00:37:30,850 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND 379 00:37:30,850 --> 00:37:39,526 MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 380 00:37:39,526 --> 00:37:43,196 GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. 381 00:37:43,196 --> 00:37:50,503 >> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, YESTERDAY EVERYONE IN NEW YORK PRETENDED THEY FELT AN 382 00:37:50,503 --> 00:37:53,773 EARTHQUAKE. JUST ADMIT IT, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS WIND. 383 00:37:53,773 --> 00:37:57,711 THIS EARTHQUAKE WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST POSSIBLE DISASTER. IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THE TIME I 384 00:37:57,711 --> 00:38:04,484 SAW MY DAD IN THE SHOWER. IT WAS A LITTLE SCARY, THERE WAS NO PERMANENT DAMAGE, BUT I'M 385 00:38:04,484 --> 00:38:09,022 GOING TO REMEMBER IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY, FORMER 386 00:38:09,022 --> 00:38:12,792 PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WOULD DEBATE PRESIDENT BIDEN ANY TIME, ANY PLACE. 387 00:38:12,792 --> 00:38:17,597 AND THEN HE POINTED TO AN EMPTY PODIUM ON THE STAGE. NOW TRUMP AND BIDEN ARE BOTH 388 00:38:17,597 --> 00:38:23,770 POLLING 80 POINTS BEHIND THE PODIUM. IN A NEW INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP 389 00:38:23,770 --> 00:38:29,743 ALSO CLAIMED THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS HIGH ON COCAINE DURING THE STATE OF THE UNION, SAYING 390 00:38:29,743 --> 00:38:34,814 HE WAS ALL JACKED UP AT THE BEGINNING. BY THE END, HE WAS FADING FAST. 391 00:38:34,814 --> 00:38:39,486 HUH. IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE DONALD TRUMP KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT 392 00:38:39,486 --> 00:38:43,890 FEELS LIKE TO BE ON COCAINE. YOU KNOW, LIKE AT THE BEGINNING, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF ENERGY. 393 00:38:43,890 --> 00:38:52,365 ** BUT THEN, BY THE END, YOU'RE FADING FAST. 394 00:38:52,365 --> 00:39:04,277 >> JUST RECENTLY HEARD THAT SAUDI ARABIA AND RUSSIA WILL -- BE -- DO. 395 00:39:04,277 --> 00:39:11,518 >> DONALD TRUMP SAID AT A RALLY THAT HE WOULD MAKE NOVEMBER 5th CHRISTIAN VISIBILITY DAY. 396 00:39:11,518 --> 00:39:14,387 WAIT. I THOUGHT THAT WAS CALLED ASH WEDNESDAY. 397 00:39:14,387 --> 00:39:20,026 THE FLORIDA SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED THE STATE SIX WEEK ABORTION BAN TO TAKE EFFECT. 398 00:39:20,026 --> 00:39:27,701 SO NOW FLORIDA'S ONLY REMAINING METHOD FOR ENDING A PREGNANCY IS ROLLER COASTERS. 399 00:39:27,701 --> 00:39:33,039 >> JUST TODAY, DONALD TRUMP POSTED ON TRUTH SOCIAL THAT HE WASN'T SCARED OF GOING TO JAIL 400 00:39:33,039 --> 00:39:39,813 FOR VIOLATING A GAG ORDER, SAYING, I WILL GLADLY BECOME A MODERN-DAY NELSON MANDELA. 401 00:39:39,813 --> 00:39:49,789 UNFORTUNATELY, FOR HALLOWEEN. >> IOWA'S FINAL FOUR GAME AGAINST UCONN WAS THE MOST 402 00:39:49,789 --> 00:39:54,828 WATCHED WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME EVER WITH 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS, BEATING 403 00:39:54,828 --> 00:40:02,035 THE PREVIOUS RECORD BY 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS. >> IT WAS ALSO REPORTED FRIDAY 404 00:40:02,035 --> 00:40:07,273 THAT THE U.S. ECONOMY ADDED OVER 300,000 JOBS. UNFORTUNATELY, MOST OF THEM ARE 405 00:40:07,273 --> 00:40:18,852 BRIDGE FIXER. >> EXPERTS ARE SAYING THAT TWO DIFFERENT BREEDS OF CICADAS WILL 406 00:40:18,852 --> 00:40:24,257 HATCH THIS MONTH RELEASING TRILLIONS CICADAS INTO THE U.S. 407 00:40:24,257 --> 00:40:28,228 AND BIDEN IS JUST LETTING THEM IN. >> HOUSE REPUBLICANS HAVE 408 00:40:28,228 --> 00:40:34,100 INTRODUCED A BILL TO RENAME WASHINGTON D.C.'S DULLES AIRPORT AFTER DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE 409 00:40:34,100 --> 00:40:40,974 AIRPORTS ARE A LOT LIKE TRUMP, A CHAOTIC NIGHTMARE THAT TURNS YOU AGAINST YOUR OWN FAMILY. 410 00:40:45,545 --> 00:40:52,786 NEW YORK CITY WAS RATTLED YESTERDAY MORNING AS A RARE 4.2 411 00:40:52,786 --> 00:40:56,923 MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE SHOOK THE CITY AND MUCH OF THE NORTHEAST AROUND 10:00 A.M. 412 00:40:56,923 --> 00:40:59,325 HERE WITH MORE IS THE EARTHQUAKE. >> OH, YEAH! 413 00:40:59,325 --> 00:41:06,700 WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK? DIDN'T EXPECT TO FEEL ME YESTERDAY, DID YOU? 414 00:41:06,700 --> 00:41:11,071 THE CITY WAS THROWN INTO PURE CHAOS! >> YEAH. 415 00:41:11,071 --> 00:41:14,541 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT CHAOS. I MEAN, PEOPLE WERE A LITTLE SURPRISED. 416 00:41:14,541 --> 00:41:20,480 >> IT WAS CHAOS, COLIN. PEOPLE STOPPED WORKING FOR FIVE, EVEN SIX MINUTES TO TEXT THEIR 417 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:27,854 FRIENDS, DID YOU JUST FEEL SOMETHING. COLIN, THE FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED 418 00:41:27,854 --> 00:41:32,692 AT ALL THE AIRPORTS FOR UP TO 30 MINUTES. UP TO 30 MINUTES, COLIN! 419 00:41:32,692 --> 00:41:38,598 >> HOW LONG ARE THEY NORMALLY DELAYED? >> AN HOUR. 420 00:41:38,598 --> 00:41:43,737 MOVE OVER GUY WHO WAS PUNCHING AWITH IMIN THE FACE. I PUNCHED THE WHOLE CITY IN THE 421 00:41:43,737 --> 00:41:48,508 FACE. A BUNCH OF TEENY TINY PUNCHES LIKE A SCARY MASSAGE. 422 00:41:48,508 --> 00:41:56,383 BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE NEW YORK EARTHQUAKE! >> DIDN'T YOU ORIGINATE IN NEW 423 00:41:56,383 --> 00:42:01,054 JERSEY, THOUGH? >> I GREW UP THERE, BUT I MOVED TO THE CITY. 424 00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:08,661 I'M THE NEW YORK EARTHQUAKE! AND THERE IS NOTHING ON EARTH AS POWERFUL AS ME. 425 00:42:08,661 --> 00:42:15,502 >> WHAT IS THIS CANDY-ASS LITTLE FOOL TALKING ABOUT? >> OH, MY GOD. 426 00:42:15,502 --> 00:42:22,676 IT'S THE ECLIPSE. >> YEAH. YOU LISTEN UP GOOD EARTHQUAKE. 427 00:42:22,676 --> 00:42:27,914 YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE SHIMMY SHAKE AND TRY TO STEAL MY THUNDER? 428 00:42:27,914 --> 00:42:35,288 WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THE SOLAR ECLIPSE RUNS WILD ON YOU? COME MONDAY, ALL OF AMERICA WILL 429 00:42:35,288 --> 00:42:39,325 BE COVERED IN ETERNAL DARKNESS. >> I DON'T KNOW. I HEARD THE ECLIPSE IS ONLY 430 00:42:39,325 --> 00:42:45,165 SUPPOSED TO LAST LIKE FOUR MINUTES. >> WHICH IS GOING TO FEEL LIKE 431 00:42:45,165 --> 00:42:50,170 AN ETERNITY WHEN YOU'RE STARING AT ME THROUGH A SHOE BOX. >> WELL, YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU 432 00:42:50,170 --> 00:42:55,308 PATHETIC EXCUSE TO MAKE THE MOON EXCITING, IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE AFTER ONE EARTHQUAKE, JUST 433 00:42:55,308 --> 00:42:59,546 WAIT UNTIL YOU FEEL THE AFTERSHOCKS! OH, YEAH, BROTHER! 434 00:42:59,546 --> 00:43:05,051 I HIT IT, I QUIT IT, AND I REDID IT. OH, WHAT WAS THAT I JUST HEARD? 435 00:43:05,051 --> 00:43:10,690 IT'S ANOTHER BOOK FALLING GENTLY OFF A SHELF, BABY. EARTHQUAKE STRIKES AGAIN. 436 00:43:10,690 --> 00:43:18,431 >> FOOL, YOU GOT NOTHING ON THE CHAOS THAT I WILL BRING. AND PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY ARE 437 00:43:18,431 --> 00:43:22,168 READY WITH THEIR LITTLE SPECIAL GLASSES? WELL, MOST OF THEM ARE FAKES 438 00:43:22,168 --> 00:43:28,875 THAT THEY BOUGHT ON AMAZON. THEIR EYES ARE MINE! AND THEIR DOGS ARE GOING TO BE 439 00:43:28,875 --> 00:43:34,314 EXTREMELY CONFUSED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. >> WELL, I MADE THE DOGS 440 00:43:34,314 --> 00:43:38,551 CONFUSED TOO. >> BUT I'LL MAKE THEM THINK IT'S NIGHT, SUCKA! 441 00:43:38,551 --> 00:43:44,624 >> GUYS, LET'S CALM DOWN. YOU'RE BOTH VERY DISRUPTIVE NATURAL EVENTS. 442 00:43:44,624 --> 00:43:50,897 >> YOU KNOW WHAT, COLIN'S RIGHT, ECLIPSE. WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING. 443 00:43:50,897 --> 00:43:55,101 WE SHOULD TEAM UP. >> AN EARTHQUAKE DURING AN ECLIPSE? 444 00:43:55,101 --> 00:44:02,275 THAT WOULD BE BIBLICAL, BROTHER. THE KIND OF THING THAT USED TO MAKE ANCIENT PEOPLE THROW A 445 00:44:02,275 --> 00:44:06,312 VIRGIN INTO A VOLCANO. I LIKE IT. >> NEW YORK DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER 446 00:44:06,312 --> 00:44:10,316 EARTHQUAKE, ESPECIALLY DURING A BLACKOUT. >> DON'T WORRY. 447 00:44:10,316 --> 00:44:13,353 I'M SURE MAYOR ADAMS WILL HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL. 448 00:44:15,255 --> 00:44:18,158 THE ECLIPSE AND EARTHQUAKE EVERYONE 449 00:44:23,663 --> 00:44:27,834 >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE MAN WHO MARRIED A CON JOINED TWIN IS 450 00:44:27,834 --> 00:44:31,338 FACING A PATERNITY LAWSUIT FROM HIS EX-WIFE. GREAT. 451 00:44:31,338 --> 00:44:43,650 THE LAST THING THAT GUY NEEDS IS ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED. >> A UNITED AIRLINE'S FLIGHT 452 00:44:43,650 --> 00:44:48,154 FROM GERMANY WAS FORCED TO RETURN TO THE AIRPORT AFTER THE TOILET BROKE AND LEAKED INTO THE 453 00:44:48,154 --> 00:44:52,092 CABIN. THOUGH, IT'S THE PERFECT PUNISHMENT FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE 454 00:44:52,092 --> 00:45:03,236 THEIR SHOES OFF ON PLANES. JANE GOODALL CELEBRATED HER 90th BIRTHDAY BY GATHERING TOGETHER 455 00:45:03,236 --> 00:45:11,244 WITH 90 DOGS, THEN FEEDING THEM ALL TO HER APES. >> IN A LAWSUIT AGAINST YE, A 456 00:45:11,244 --> 00:45:16,449 FORMER EMPLOYEE CLAIMS THAT YE COMPARED HIMSELF TO HITLER MINUS THE GAS CHAMBERS. 457 00:45:16,449 --> 00:45:24,691 AND I FOR ONE AM SHOCKED TO HEAR THAT YE BELIEVES IN THE HOLOCAUST. 458 00:45:24,691 --> 00:45:31,598 >> THIS WEEK, LIVE WITH KELLY AND MARK RERAN AN EPISODE FROM 2023 IN WHICH HOST KELLY RIP PA 459 00:45:31,598 --> 00:45:38,505 BEGS TO GO ON DIDDY'S YACHT. EVEN CRAZIER, SNL IS AIRING AN EPISODE RIGHT NOW WITH A GUY WHO 460 00:45:38,505 --> 00:45:47,814 WAS ON DIDDY'S YACHT LAST WEEK. >> WEATHER EXPERTS ARE FORECASTING THAT THIS YEAR WILL 461 00:45:47,814 --> 00:45:52,652 SEE THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF HURRICANES EVER THANKS TO AN ABNORMALLY ACTIVE SUMMER OF GAY 462 00:45:52,652 --> 00:46:01,728 WEDDINGS. A STONE VILE DISCOVERED IN IRAN CONTAINED A RED COSMETIC THAT 463 00:46:01,728 --> 00:46:11,504 EXPERTS SAY WAS LIKELY USED AS LIPSTICK NEARLY 4,000 YEARS AGO BY AN ANCIENT SKANK. 464 00:46:11,504 --> 00:46:20,947 ISN'T THAT FASCINATING, COLIN? >> I'M LEARNING A LOT. A MAN DIAGNOSED WITH 465 00:46:20,947 --> 00:46:24,851 SCHIZOPHRENIA HAS BEEN GIVEN A SUPPORT DOG TO HELP HIM DETERMINE WHAT IS REAL AND 466 00:46:24,851 --> 00:46:28,955 WHAT'S A HALLUCINATION. THE CRAZIEST PART IS -- THERE'S NO DOG. 467 00:46:28,955 --> 00:46:35,862 >> SCIENTISTS IN PORTUGAL HAVE ACCIDENTALLY CREATED A MOUSE EMBRYO THAT HAS AN EXTRA LEG 468 00:46:35,862 --> 00:46:46,072 WHERE ITS GENITALS SHOULD BE, AND BROTHER, SAME! ALL RIGHT. 469 00:46:46,072 --> 00:46:51,244 >> YOURS IS THE SIZE OF A MOUSE'S LEG? >> NO, NO. 470 00:46:51,244 --> 00:46:55,081 WAIT, NO, NO. TAKE THAT JOKE BACK. >> WE ALREADY LOCKED IT IN. 471 00:46:55,582 --> 00:46:58,618 WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT SEASON FOR HIT MOVIES. 472 00:46:58,618 --> 00:47:06,159 HERE WITH HER OWN TAKES ON THE MOVIES IS OUR OLD FRIEND, AUNT LINDA. 473 00:47:06,159 --> 00:47:11,431 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> EASY. EASY. 474 00:47:11,431 --> 00:47:21,608 >> ALL RIGHT. AUNT LINDA, LONG TIME, NO SEE. >> WELL, HELLO, SETH. 475 00:47:21,608 --> 00:47:28,048 SOMEONE'S GOTTEN SOME WORK DONE. >> WELL, I'M ACTUALLY COLIN. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN A 476 00:47:28,048 --> 00:47:31,651 WHILE. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU NOSEY 477 00:47:31,651 --> 00:47:35,855 O'DONNELL. I GOT DIVORCED. MY HUSBAND FINALLY GOT HEARING 478 00:47:35,855 --> 00:47:40,060 AIDS, TEN MINUTES LATER, HE WAS ON A BUS. >> OH, MY GOD. 479 00:47:40,060 --> 00:47:44,631 I'M SO SORRY. BUT WE'RE EXCITED FOR YOU TO GIVE US THE LATEST TAKE ON ALL 480 00:47:44,631 --> 00:47:49,869 THE HIT MOVIES OUT THERE. >> WELL, MY PLEASURE. OR SHOULD I SAY PAIN. 481 00:47:49,869 --> 00:47:57,877 ANYONE ELSE SIT THROUGH THAT 90 MINUTES OF STINKO CALLED "BARBIE"? 482 00:47:57,877 --> 00:48:01,648 I DIDN'T GET IT. IS SHE A DOLL THAT COMES TO LIFE? 483 00:48:01,648 --> 00:48:04,784 IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. AND WHERE ARE THEY? ON THE MOON? 484 00:48:04,784 --> 00:48:07,887 >> YEAH. I MEAN, I DON'T THINK "BARBIE" TOOK PLACE ON THE MOON. 485 00:48:07,887 --> 00:48:11,658 >> YEAH. AND THERE WAS SO MUCH PINK. THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT CAME 486 00:48:11,658 --> 00:48:22,268 OUT OF IT IS I WAS REMINDED TO TAKE MY PEPTOBISMAL. AND HEY, AMERICA FERRARI, SAVE 487 00:48:22,268 --> 00:48:25,672 YOUR SPEECH FOR WOMEN'S LIVERS. I LOVE WEARING A BRA. >> I DON'T KNOW. 488 00:48:25,672 --> 00:48:32,679 IT WAS A VERY POPULAR MOVIE. >> WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY. AND THAT KEN CHARACTER, RYAN 489 00:48:32,679 --> 00:48:43,356 GOSLING, MORE LIKE RYAN GOSLING. >> I THINK YOU JUST SAID HIS NAME THE SAME TWICE. 490 00:48:43,356 --> 00:48:49,863 >> HE'S VAR HARD TO MAKE FUN OF. >> YEAH. >> I GIVE "BARBIE" A COUPLE OF 491 00:48:49,863 --> 00:48:57,470 WHAT IN THE'S AND FOUR GAH. THE NEXT FILM I WATCHED WAS ALSO A BIG ONE. 492 00:48:57,470 --> 00:49:01,074 CAN YOU TAKE A GUESS? >> "OPPENHEIMER." >> BINGO. 493 00:49:01,074 --> 00:49:05,745 >> SO YOU DID NOT LIKE "OPPENHEIMER"? >> NOPENHEIMER. 494 00:49:05,745 --> 00:49:10,350 DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER NO THANKS. WHY THE HECK WOULD ANYONE MAKE A 495 00:49:10,350 --> 00:49:15,321 MOVIE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO INVENTED THE MICROWAVE? GAH. 496 00:49:15,321 --> 00:49:19,559 >> OKAY. WELL, WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU WATCHED THAT CONFUSED YOU? 497 00:49:19,559 --> 00:49:29,035 >> DON'T GET SMART. WELL, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW I VENTURED INTO THE LAND OF 498 00:49:29,035 --> 00:49:31,838 TELEVISION ALONG WITH EVERYBODY ELSE. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST 499 00:49:31,838 --> 00:49:38,278 WATCHING MOVIES IN THE THEATER? NOW EVERYONE STAYS HOME EATING GRASS GUMMIES WATCHING MOVIES ON 500 00:49:38,278 --> 00:49:42,382 THE TOILET. >> ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING 501 00:49:42,382 --> 00:49:46,519 ON TV? >> WELL, THERE WAS ONE SHOW WITH A VERY MISLEADING TITLE. 502 00:49:46,519 --> 00:49:51,624 >> WHAT WAS THAT? >> THE BEAR. I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE 503 00:49:51,624 --> 00:50:01,801 ABOUT BEARS LIVING IN THE WOODS OR AT THE VERY LEAST, A SITCOM ABOUT A HAYRY DOUGHY GAY MAN WHO 504 00:50:01,801 --> 00:50:06,239 HAS TO RAISE HIS SISTER'S KIDS. SPOILER ALERT, IT'S ABOUT A RESTAURANT. 505 00:50:06,239 --> 00:50:11,611 WHY IS EVERYONE IN THE KITCHEN SO UNORGANIZED? HERE'S A NOVEL IDEA, HEY, CHEF, 506 00:50:11,611 --> 00:50:17,250 STOP DOING SO MANY SITUPS IN YOUR CALVIN CLINGERS AND HIRE MORE PEOPLE. 507 00:50:17,250 --> 00:50:21,488 THEY'RE UNDERSTAFFED. AND I DIDN'T LEARN HOW TO COOK ONE THING. 508 00:50:21,488 --> 00:50:26,593 RACHEL RAY WOULD BE ROLLING IN HER GRAVE. >> RACHEL RAY IS VERY MUCH 509 00:50:26,593 --> 00:50:32,599 ALIVE. >> WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? >> I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE 510 00:50:32,599 --> 00:50:40,173 TIME. >> WELL, I GIVE THE BEAR ONE BIG FAT WHAT THE FUDGE AND 15 WHAT'S 511 00:50:40,173 --> 00:50:43,843 GOING ONES! >> ALL RIGHT. LINDA, BEFORE YOU LEAVE, THERE'S 512 00:50:43,843 --> 00:50:48,815 GOT TO BE ONE THING THAT YOU LIKED. >> NOT LIKED, LOVED. 513 00:50:48,815 --> 00:50:53,787 I LAUGHED, I CRIED, I STARTED AGAIN THE MINUTE IT WAS FINISHED. 514 00:50:53,787 --> 00:50:59,626 >> OH, MY GOD THE WHAT WAS THAT? >> PAW PATROL. DOGS SAVING THE WORLD IN 515 00:50:59,626 --> 00:51:04,297 UNIFORMS? HERE'S MY ALLY, AND THIS FILM WENT STRAIGHT UP IT. 516 00:51:04,297 --> 00:51:08,868 I GOT AN IDEA. SEND THE PUPS TO CHOP VEGETABLES OVER AT THE BEAR. 517 00:51:08,868 --> 00:51:15,275 WHY IS HE SO UPSET? HE FOUND A PUNCH OF MONEY IN THE TOMATO SAUCE, AND WHAT THE HECK 518 00:51:15,275 --> 00:51:20,180 IS KENGERGY? >> AUNT LINDA, EVERYONE. >> NOW WHERE DO I GO? 519 00:51:20,180 --> 00:51:24,718 >> FOR WEEKEND UPDATE >> GOODNIGHT 520 00:51:35,628 --> 00:51:39,666 >>> ALL RIGHT, FOLKS. WELCOME TO THE FUN LAND GO KART 521 00:51:39,666 --> 00:51:44,637 TRACK. WE GOT A CART STUCK OUT ON THE TRACK RIGHT NOW. 522 00:51:44,637 --> 00:51:49,843 FOR NOW, SIT TIGHT. ONCE WE HAVE IT CLEARED OUT, WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY. 523 00:51:49,843 --> 00:51:55,348 >> THIS DAY ROCKS. WE RODE RIDES, PLAYED GAMES, AND NOW WE'RE DOING GO KARTS? 524 00:51:55,348 --> 00:51:58,485 MOM, DAD, THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING US HERE. >> THAT'S GREAT, SON. 525 00:51:58,485 --> 00:52:07,060 I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN. >> YES. IT'S BEEN A FUN DAY, AND NOW WE 526 00:52:07,060 --> 00:52:10,797 ENJOY THE GO KARTS. >> YEAH. GO KARTS ARE MY FAVORITE. 527 00:52:10,797 --> 00:52:17,671 >> ENJOY THE GO KARTS, SON. LET'S ALL HAVE FUN ON THE GO KARTS BECAUSE AFTER THE GO 528 00:52:17,671 --> 00:52:23,143 KARTS, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO TELL YOU. >> OH, NO. 529 00:52:23,143 --> 00:52:30,617 WHAT IS IT? >> YOU JUST ENJOY THE GO KARTS. YOU HAVE FUN THIS ONE MORE TIME, 530 00:52:30,617 --> 00:52:36,489 AND THEN AFTER THAT, YOUR FATHER AND I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING VERY BAD. 531 00:52:36,489 --> 00:52:40,226 >> THAT'S RIGHT. BUT FOR NOW, JUST ENJOY THE GO KARTS, SON. 532 00:52:40,226 --> 00:52:47,967 ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF THEM. BECAUSE AFTER THAT, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU THE BAD 533 00:52:47,967 --> 00:52:50,637 THING. >> OKAY. I KIND OF JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO 534 00:52:50,637 --> 00:52:55,842 TELL ME RIGHT NOW. >> AND WE'RE CLEAR. SO HOW WE DOING TODAY, FOLKS? 535 00:52:55,842 --> 00:52:59,813 >> GOOD FOR NOW. >> FOR NOW, GOOD. >> ALL RIGHT. 536 00:52:59,813 --> 00:53:02,882 COOL, COOL. SO JUST A COUPLE THINGS TO GO OVER. 537 00:53:02,882 --> 00:53:08,621 GAS IS ON THE RIGHT, BRAKE IS ON THE LEFT, AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO BUMPING ALLOWED, ALL RIGHT? 538 00:53:08,621 --> 00:53:15,195 >> OH, CHRIS, HIM SAYING NO BUMPING REMINDS ME, WE STILL HAVEN'T DONE THE BUMPER BOATS. 539 00:53:15,195 --> 00:53:21,701 >> CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT. SON, WE STILL HAVE TO DO THE BUMPER BOATS. 540 00:53:21,701 --> 00:53:23,403 SO WOULD YOU RATHER HEAR IT AFTER? >> NEITHER. 541 00:53:23,403 --> 00:53:27,107 I WANT TO KNOW THE BAD THING NOW. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, WE SHOULDN'T 542 00:53:27,107 --> 00:53:29,843 EVEN BE ASKING HIM SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. 543 00:53:29,843 --> 00:53:35,615 IT SHOULDN'T BE UP TO HIM. ASHLEY, SWEETIE, DADDY HAS A QUESTION FOR YOU. 544 00:53:35,615 --> 00:53:40,420 SWEETIE, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE'RE GOING TO LET YOU PICK. DO YOU WANT TO DO GO KARTS, HEAR 545 00:53:40,420 --> 00:53:45,892 THE BAD THING, THEN DO BUMPER BOATS, OR BUMPER BOATS AND THEN HEAR THE BAD THING? 546 00:53:45,892 --> 00:53:50,096 >> I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THE BAD THING NOW. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST 547 00:53:50,096 --> 00:53:54,234 PLAY IT BY EAR. >> FINE WITH ME. >> KIDS, WE'RE GOING TO JUST 548 00:53:54,234 --> 00:54:00,907 PLAY TELLING YOU THE BAD THING BY EAR, OKAY? SO THE REST OF THE DAY, JUST BE 549 00:54:00,907 --> 00:54:04,678 READY. AT SOME POINT, WE'RE GOING TO DROP IT ON YOU, OKAY? 550 00:54:04,678 --> 00:54:08,915 >> WHAT? >> JUST TELL US. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, SHEILA SHOULD 551 00:54:08,915 --> 00:54:11,584 REALLY BE HERE WHEN WE TELL THEM. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. 552 00:54:11,584 --> 00:54:16,389 DO YOU THINK SHEILA WOULD COME DOWN HERE AND MEET US. >> I'LL GIVE HER A CALL. 553 00:54:16,389 --> 00:54:20,293 LET'S ASK. >> WHO IS SHEILA? >> SHE'S PART OF THE BAD THING. 554 00:54:20,293 --> 00:54:27,834 >> HEY, SHEILA, IT'S BIG C. CAN YOU MEET US AT FUN LAND, HELP US BREAK THE NEWS TO THE 555 00:54:27,834 --> 00:54:28,735 KIDS? GREAT. OKAY. 556 00:54:28,735 --> 00:54:31,971 SEE YOU SOON. SHEILA'S IN. >> DAD, WHO IS SHEILA? 557 00:54:31,971 --> 00:54:38,278 >> JUST FORGET IT. LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. OH, FUN RANDOM QUESTION FOR YOU 558 00:54:38,278 --> 00:54:42,816 KIDS. IF YOUR FATHER AND I WERE ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF A POOL, WHO DO 559 00:54:42,816 --> 00:54:46,820 YOU THINK YOU WOULD SWIM TO? >> WAIT, WHAT? >> I HAVE A QUESTION. 560 00:54:46,820 --> 00:54:51,091 HOW WOULD Y'ALL FEEL IF I STARTED DRINKING AGAIN? >> DAD, WHAT? 561 00:54:51,091 --> 00:54:56,663 WHY WOULD YOU START DRINKING AGAIN? >> WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL 562 00:54:56,663 --> 00:54:59,332 ANYTHING, BUT AFTER YOU HEAR THE BAD THING, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY. 563 00:54:59,332 --> 00:55:03,903 >> OKAY. LOOK, ENOUGH. MOM, DAD, PLEASE, JUST WHATEVER 564 00:55:03,903 --> 00:55:07,674 THE BAD THING IS, TELL US. WE CAN HANDLE IT. >> OKAY. 565 00:55:07,674 --> 00:55:12,245 FINE. BEFORE WE TELL YOU, I WANT YOU KIDS TO KNOW YOUR FATHER AND I 566 00:55:12,245 --> 00:55:19,786 LOVE YOU, AND WE ALWAYS WILL. >> THAT'S RIGHT. AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, 567 00:55:19,786 --> 00:55:24,457 WE'RE STILL MOM AND DAD. THAT'S NEVER GONNA CHANGE. >> WE KNOW, DAD. 568 00:55:24,457 --> 00:55:28,895 >> OF COURSE, DAD. >> OKAY. THEN, HERE IT GOES. 569 00:55:28,895 --> 00:55:34,367 THE BAD THING IS -- >> ALL RIGHTY, FOLKS. ALL CLEAR TO RACE. 570 00:55:34,367 --> 00:55:38,438 >> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST HAVE FUN. WE'LL TELL YOU LATER. 571 00:55:38,438 --> 00:55:42,642 >> NO! >> DAMN IT! >> DO NOT CUSS, YOUNG LADY! 572 00:55:53,353 --> 00:56:05,031 >>> ONCE AGAIN, RAYE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 573 00:56:05,031 --> 00:56:20,447 ** * PA-PA-BA-DA I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA * 574 00:56:20,447 --> 00:56:26,853 * STRINGS, WON'T YOU SING FOR ME, MY DEAR * * I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT 575 00:56:26,853 --> 00:56:34,060 WORTH IT, WORTH IT ALL * * IF MY BODY WAS A BOAT COULD YOU STEER * 576 00:56:34,060 --> 00:56:37,764 * THAT, SAILOR MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT'S A * * 1960s HOLLYWOOD TRAILER 577 00:56:37,764 --> 00:56:42,068 CLASSIC LIKE CARS * * CLASSIC LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR * 578 00:56:42,068 --> 00:56:49,542 * NEED YOU TO ROMANCE ME YEAH, I NEED A GIVER * * NOT A TAKER 579 00:56:49,542 --> 00:56:58,151 YES, 'CAUSE I COULD LOVE * * YOU IF I REALLY WANTED TO YOU COULD BE * 580 00:56:58,151 --> 00:57:02,455 * BE MY GLASS OF WINE WHEN THE SUN SETS * * HELP ME EXHALE 581 00:57:02,455 --> 00:57:05,658 ALL THE EXCESS * * BABY, BAE, B-B-BAE B-B-BABY, WOULD YOU * 582 00:57:05,658 --> 00:57:10,030 * WOULD YOU MAKE IT ALRIGHT OR MAYBE THAT MUCH BETTER * * IF YOU WANTED 583 00:57:10,030 --> 00:57:14,234 YOU COULD MAKE IT ALL * * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * 584 00:57:14,234 --> 00:57:17,037 * OOH, WHEN I SEE THE SUN RISING * * YOU MAKE IT THAT 585 00:57:17,037 --> 00:57:19,673 MUCH BETTER * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL * 586 00:57:19,673 --> 00:57:26,379 * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * OOH, WORTH ALL OF THE TIME 587 00:57:26,379 --> 00:57:28,815 I'M 'BOUT TO GIVE YOU BABY * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL * 588 00:57:28,815 --> 00:57:32,585 * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * GIVE ALL OF THE TIME 589 00:57:32,585 --> 00:57:39,592 I SHOULD BE WORKING ON ME * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL * 590 00:57:39,592 --> 00:57:41,361 * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * THIS IS THE NIGHT 591 00:57:41,361 --> 00:57:46,166 SOMETHING 'BOUT IT'S MAKING ME CRY * * SEE MY SOUL, IT DID DECIDE 592 00:57:46,166 --> 00:57:50,804 FEEL MY BODY SHIVER IN YOUR MOONLIGHT * * AND I NEED YOU TO 593 00:57:50,804 --> 00:57:53,440 LET ME HAVE THE * * TIME OF MY LIFE CHECKED YOUR CREDENTIALS * 594 00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:58,812 * SOUTH RESIDENTIALS OOH, BABY BOY * * YOU GOT SO MUCH POTENTIAL 595 00:57:58,812 --> 00:58:07,420 I COULD LOVE YOU * * IF I REALLY WANTED TO YOU COULD BE * 596 00:58:07,420 --> 00:58:11,191 * BE MY GLASS OF WINE WHEN THE SUN SETS * * HELP ME EXHALE 597 00:58:11,191 --> 00:58:15,495 ALL THE EXCESS * * BABY, BAE, B-B-BAE B-B-BABY, WOULD YOU * 598 00:58:15,495 --> 00:58:19,766 * WOULD YOU MAKE IT ALRIGHT OR MAYBE THAT MUCH BETTER * * IF YOU WANTED 599 00:58:19,766 --> 00:58:24,070 YOU COULD MAKE IT ALL * * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * 600 00:58:24,070 --> 00:58:26,773 * OOH, WHEN I SEE THE SUN RISING * * YOU MAKE IT THAT 601 00:58:26,773 --> 00:58:30,043 MUCH BETTER * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL * 602 00:58:30,043 --> 00:58:34,280 * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * OOH, WORTH ALL OF THE TIME 603 00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:38,051 I'M 'BOUT TO GIVE YOU BABY * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL * 604 00:58:38,051 --> 00:58:43,923 * WORTH IT, WORTH IT WORTH IT, WORTH IT * * GIVE ALL OF THE TIME 605 00:58:43,923 --> 00:58:51,931 I SHOULD BE WORKING ON ME * * SO I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT ALL * 606 00:58:51,931 --> 00:59:25,031 ** ** ** 607 00:59:25,031 --> 00:59:26,933 * DON'T WANNA BE ALIVE BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE * * A FIST FULL OF PILLS 608 00:59:26,933 --> 00:59:28,768 WITH RIVERS IN MY EYES * * I'VE NOTHIN' LEFT TO LOSE HEAR MY CRY * 609 00:59:28,768 --> 00:59:35,241 * WHEN IT'S TOO DARK TO SEE LET THERE BE LIGHT * * LET THERE BE LIGHT 610 00:59:35,241 --> 00:59:54,060 ** ** * SEE, I WANT THE LIGHT IN MY 611 00:59:54,060 --> 01:00:12,012 HEART, THE LIGHT IN MY CAR, I WANT THAT LIGHT IN MY DREAMS, I WANT THE LIGHT IN THE DARK * 612 01:00:12,012 --> 01:00:22,856 AH, AH, OOH, YEAH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 613 01:00:33,133 --> 01:00:35,735 >>> WELCOME TO SONIC PIONEERS. I'M IMANI CELESTE. 614 01:00:35,735 --> 01:00:40,040 I WANTED TO BE A SINGER, BUT NOW I DO THIS. TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT ONE OF THE 615 01:00:40,040 --> 01:00:46,579 MOST INFLUENTIAL FRENCH TELEVISION PROGRAMS IN THE 1970s, THE MUSIC VARIETY SHOW 616 01:00:46,579 --> 01:01:00,827 "LA MAISON DU BANG." USHERING IN A NEW ERA OF DISCO, EURO-POP, AND FASHION 617 01:01:00,827 --> 01:01:02,929 HOSTED BY THE REAL-LIFE MARRIED COUPLE JULES AND CAMILLE. WHO CREATED THAT WONDERFUL THEME 618 01:01:02,929 --> 01:01:06,132 SONG. * LAAA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON, BANG! 619 01:01:06,132 --> 01:01:17,444 BANG, BANG, BANG * * LA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON DU BANG, LA MAISON BANG * 620 01:01:17,444 --> 01:01:46,473 [ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE ] >> IN FRANCE IN THE '70s THE 621 01:01:46,473 --> 01:01:51,411 SMOKING AGE FOR BOYS WAS FOUR. "LA MAISON DU BANG" FEATURED SOME OF EUROPE'S MOST POPULAR 622 01:01:51,411 --> 01:01:53,546 ARTISTS, INCLUDING TIPI TORNADE, THE DANCING TORNADO, WITH HER HIT, "HELP! YOU'RE MAKING ME 623 01:01:53,546 --> 01:02:03,690 DANCE." * MON DIEU! JEDANSE! * ** 624 01:02:03,690 --> 01:02:16,703 * AH, NO, AH, OUI, ARRET! JE DANSE!* >> THE SHOW ALSO FEATURED 625 01:02:16,703 --> 01:02:24,177 COCO DUBOIS WITH HER HIT, "NOUS PARTONS."UNFORTUNATELY, COCO WAS A HEAVY SMOKER AND 626 01:02:24,177 --> 01:02:33,787 CONTRACTED EMPHYSEMA IN REAL TIME LIVE ON THE SHOW. TAKE A LOOK. 627 01:02:33,787 --> 01:02:48,001 * ENSEMBLE NOUS PARTONS, CAR NOUS SOMES UN * >> "LA MAISON DU BANG" AIRED 628 01:02:48,001 --> 01:02:54,808 FROM 1972 TO 1979, THE GOLDEN AGE OF FUNK. AND NO ONE IN FRANCE WAS MORE 629 01:02:54,808 --> 01:02:58,578 FUNKY THAN LES GARCONS DU GROOVE, TWO WHITE GUYS FROM TOULOUSE. 630 01:02:58,578 --> 01:03:07,620 HERE THEY ARE WITH THEIR HIT, "LA PAPILLON." ** 631 01:03:07,620 --> 01:03:19,933 * LA PAPILLON, SUR LA GAZON, BEURRE ET JAMBONN, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH * 632 01:03:19,933 --> 01:03:26,339 * MON DIEU! JE DANSE!* >> YEP, THERE'S TIPI TORNADE AGAIN, WHO BECAME A REGULAR ON 633 01:03:26,339 --> 01:03:31,711 THE SHOW BECAUSE SHE WAS ACTIVELY SQUATTING IN THE STUDIO. 634 01:03:31,711 --> 01:03:38,651 THE SWINGING '70s WERE ON FULL DISPLAY IN "LA MAISON DU BANG". DANCE-POP ARTIST DELPOLEON ONCE 635 01:03:38,651 --> 01:03:42,989 PERFORMED A SONG CALLED "OUI, OUI, OUI, NON" WHERE HE EXPLICITLY PICKED WOMEN OUT OF 636 01:03:42,989 --> 01:03:48,328 THE AUDIENCE TO BE ESCORTED BACK TO HIS DRESSING ROOM. >> OUI. 637 01:03:48,328 --> 01:03:53,133 OUI. OUI. NON. 638 01:03:53,133 --> 01:03:55,769 OUI. NON. OUI. 639 01:03:55,769 --> 01:04:01,875 NON. MAYBE. >> THE SHOW WASN'T JUST ABOUT 640 01:04:01,875 --> 01:04:10,216 MUSIC. IT ALSO FEATURED FUN VARIETY ACTS LIKE THE POPULAR MIME, 641 01:04:10,216 --> 01:04:12,052 SPIROU. SPIROU HAD NEVER DONE TELEVISION AND ACCIDENTALLY STOOD TOO CLOSE 642 01:04:12,052 --> 01:04:22,495 TO THE CAMERA. TAKE A LOOK. ** 643 01:04:22,495 --> 01:04:36,643 ** ** >> PROBABLY THE MOST POPULAR 644 01:04:36,643 --> 01:04:40,947 SEGMENT ON "LA MAISON DU BANG" WAS CALLED "MONT LA DANSE" OR "TURN UP THE DANCE." 645 01:04:40,947 --> 01:04:43,683 JULES WOULD TURN A GIANT DIAL TO UP THE INTENSITY OF CAMILLE'S DANCING. 646 01:04:43,683 --> 01:04:51,257 TAKE A LOOK. >> DEUX! CINQ! 647 01:04:51,257 --> 01:05:02,669 ** >> ONZE! ** 648 01:05:02,669 --> 01:05:10,643 >> THE SHOW LASTED NINE YEARS. UNFORTUNATELY, "LA MAISON DU BANG" WAS CANCELED IN 1979 AFTER 649 01:05:10,643 --> 01:05:13,413 JULES AND CAMILLE DIVORCED DUE TO IRRECONCILABLE MURDER. BUT THE SHOW'S LEGACY WILL LIVE 650 01:05:13,413 --> 01:05:16,950 ON. AU REVOIR, "DU BANG." AU REVOIR. 651 01:05:16,950 --> 01:05:21,354 FOR SONIC PIONEERS, I'M IMANI CELESTE. >> MON DIEU! JE DANSE! 652 01:05:40,140 --> 01:05:46,880 >>> THANK YOU TO RAYE, PAUL RUDD, PAULA PELL, MATT DAMON, 653 01:05:46,880 --> 01:05:52,185 FRED ARMISEN, WILL FORTE, JON HA MARTIN SHORT, RYAN GOSLING, KEIA GERBER. 654 01:05:52,185 --> 01:05:55,155 OH, MY GOD. YOU LOVE EVERY PERSON IN THIS BUILDING. 655 01:05:55,155 --> 01:06:03,563 THANK YOU! I LOVE THIS PLACE. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.