. >>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. I AM DR. PAP AND THIS IS SPECIAL
AGENT FITZSIMMONS WITH THE FSA.
>> YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE
YOU'VE EXPERIENCED A VERIFIED
ALIEN ABDUCTION.
>> YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS WILD.
ONE SECOND, WE'RE THREE FRIENDS
ON A CAMPING TRIP, AND THE NEXT
WE'RE CITIZENS OF THE STARS.
>> AND, SIR, BEFORE WE BEGIN,
MAY I SAY SOMETHING?
I'M JUST REALIZING THAT I WAS
WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT THE LAST
TIME I WAS HERE.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DO
HAVE OTHER CLOTHES.
>> NOTED.
NOW, HOW WERE YOU ALL BROUGHT ON
BOARD THE CRAFT?
>> WELL, WE WERE HIT WITH THIS
WARM SOFT LIGHT, AND THEN WE
MATERIALIZED ON THE SPACESHIP
BETWEEN THESE TWO GLOWING BEAMS.
>> AND OUR CLOTHES WERE GONE,
BUT WE WERE WEARING THESE COMFY
ROBES MADE OF TRANSPARENT LIGHT.
>> AND YOU, MS. RAFFERTY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME.
I WAS BY THE LAKE TAKING A WHORE
BATH.
IT'S WHEN YOU WASH THE PITS AND
BITS.
THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, I GET
SUCKED UP BY A GIANT VACUUM
CLEANER HOSE, AND I LAND ON THE
SHIP, STILL PANTSLESS, MIND YOU,
SO MY JOUSER AND MY DEUCER ARE
ON FULL DISPLAY, AND I SEE MY
OLD BUDDIES THE GRAY ALIENS WITH
THE BIG DUMB EYES, AND IT HITS
ME I'VE BEEN ON THIS SPACESHIP
MORE TIMES THAN I'VE BEEN TO A
DENTIST.
>> AND ONCE ABOARD THE SHIP,
WHAT HAPPENED.
>> >> WELL, THE ALIENS TAUGHT US
A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE.
THE CLOSEST WE HAVE TO IT IS
LOVE.
>> IT'S A SOOTHING BEAUTIFUL
SOUND.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT
JUSTICE, BUT IT'S LIKE A -- I
DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE I DON'T
THINK.
>> ALL RIGHT.
NOW THIS GETS MY GUNK BECAUSE
THESE TWO ARE GETTING ASRM LOVE
TINGLES, MEANWHILE DOWN IN GEN
POP, THE GRAYS AND I ARE DOING
OUR USUAL DANCE.
THEY'RE BATTING MY KNOCKERS,
THEY'RE STARING DOWN THE BARREL
OF MY SOUTH MOUTH.
BUT I DON'T KNOW THEIR HEART
WASN'T IN IT.
I SAW ONE OF THEM DO THIS
LIKE -- I'M GOOD.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE MY TURN.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHEN TODD HERE
SHOWED UP.
>> TODD, YOU LEFT THE BEINGS
MADE OF LIGHT?
>> I DID, SIR.
I GOT LOST ON THE WAY TO THE
BATHROOM.
>> AND HOW DID THEY REACT WHEN
YOU WALKED INTO THE ROOM?
>> LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS MEETING
TAYLOR SWIFT.
THEY JUST MOBBED US.
>> I WONDER WHAT WAS THE CAUSE
OF THE EXCITEMENT.
>> CAN I THROW OUT A THEORY?
THESE THINGS, THEY'RE SMOOTH
DOWN THERE.
THEY'RE LIKE A BROKEN DOORBELL,
YOU KNOW?
NO DONG.
AND YOU KNOW, I'M WEARING MY
SEE-THROUGH ROBE, SO WHEN THEY
SAW THAT I WAS PACKING A TROLL
NOSE, MY TROLL NOSE, YOU KNOW,
THEY JUST WENT RIGHT FOR IT.
>> YEAH.
MY GRUMPY AND MY DUMPY WERE OLD
NEWS THE MINUTE THEY SAW TODD'S
TROLL NOSE HANGING THERE.
>> I'VE NEVER HEARD THE TERM
TROLL NOSE BEFORE.
>> YOU MUST BE HANGING OUT AT A
DIFFERENT BOWLING ALLY THAN WE
DO, SIR.
>> I'LL ASK THAT WE ALL STOP
SAYING TROLL NOSE, PLEASE.
>> DURING THIS OR FOREVER?
>> DURING THIS.
NOW, WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE
OTHER AREA OF THE SHIP?
>> OH, THEY SHOWED A SINGLE ATOM
OF SOMETHING CALLED INFINITEM
WHICH CAN POWER THE EARTH FOR
THOUSANDS OF YEARS.
>> YEAH.
CUT TO WHERE I AM.
TODD'S JUNK HAS WHIPPED THE
GRAYS INTO A FRENZY.
THEY GOT HIM STOOD UP LIKE --
WELL, TODD, DO YOU MIND?
SO THEY'RE TAKING TURNS CHECKING
UNDER THE HOOD.
THEY'RE LIKE -- THEY'RE LIKE
THIS REACHING UP, THEY'RE KIND
OF -- THEY'RE FLICKING IT.
YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE LIKE -- THEY'RE BATTING
AROUND LIKE A CAT.
THEY'RE -- YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
SNIFFING IT.
ONE GUY, HE TRIED TO WEAR IT
LIKE A HAT.
YOU KNOW?
HE HAD IT DRAPED OVER HIS NOSE
LIKE A VIKING HELMET.
AND THEN, ONE OF THOSE LUNATICS
GRABBED ON TO THIS THING, TRIED
TO HOIST HIMSELF UP.
I SAID, CAREFUL, BUDDY.
LAST TIME I PULLED ON ONE THAT
HARD, COP CHANGED HIS MIND AND
DID WRITE ME A TICKET.
>> AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE
WONDERING, I DID NOT BECOME
AROUSED.
ANY TIME I FELT LIKE I MIGHT, I
JUST LOOKED AT COLLEEN HERE, AND
IT TOOK CARE OF IT FOR ME.
YOU KNOW?
>> I'VE KILLED MORE CHUBBIES
THAN DIABETES.
>> AND HOW WERE YOU ALL SENT
HOME?
>> I WENT BACK TO THE SMART
ALIENS, AND THEY TOUCHED OUR
HEADS TO THEIRS, AND WE WERE
BACK ON EARTH.
>> YEAH.
AND THEY GAVE ME THIS.
THEY WANTED US TO HAVE IT TO
MAKE OUR WORLD BETTER.
>> I ALSO GOT A FAREWELL
SOUVENIR COURTESY OF ONE OF MY
GRAY PALS WHO BITCH SLAPPED ME
OUT OF AN OPEN HATCH, AND THEN I
FALL 30 FEET AND I LAND FACE
DOWN WITH MY WEAN HOLE AND MY
BEAN HOLE POINTED RIGHT AT KIM'S
FACE.
>> KIM WHO?
>> JONG UN.
BASTARDS DROPPED ME IN NORTH
KOREA.
BUT, HEY, NOT THE WORST PLACE
I'VE BEEN ON ALL FOURS.
AND ON THAT NOTE --
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- CHRIS STAPLETON. AND YOUR HOST -- RYAN GOSLING.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RYAN
GOSLING!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU.
IT'S --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HOSTING
SNL.
I'M HERE BECAUSE OF MY NEW
MOVIE, "THE FALL GUY" WITH EMILY
BLUNT!
SO DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY JOKES
ABOUT KEN.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUNNY.
KEN AND I, WE HAD TO BREAK UP.
WE WENT TOO DEEP.
AND IT'S OVER.
SO I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT IT.
I ACTUALLY AM GONNA TALK ABOUT
IT A LITTLE BIT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I HAVE TO.
BECAUSE -- THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU PLAY A
CHARACTER THAT HARD, THAT LONG,
JUST LETTING GO JUST FEELS LIKE
A BREAKUP.
AND FOR PROCESSING A BREAKUP,
THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE THING
THAT CAN HELP, THE MUSIC OF THE
GREAT TAYLOR SWIFT.
♪♪
♪ I SHREDDED VENICE BEACH, IT'S
TRUE, MY CLOTHES WERE TIGHT, BUT
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SPANDEX
FELT SO RIGHT ♪
♪ I LEFT MY ROLLER BLADES IN
THAT BIG PINK HOUSE, BUT I STILL
GOT THAT FUR COAT, AND I'LL WEAR
IT RIGHT NOW ♪
♪♪
♪ OH, THAT SWEET DEFINITION OF
MY WASH BOARD ABS, SINGING
INDIGO GIRLS IN THE CAR WITH
BABS ♪
♪ IF I SAID THAT I WAS DOING
FINE, YOU KNOW I'D BE LYING,
BECAUSE I WAS JUST KEN, AND NOW
I'M JUST RYAN ♪
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI, EMILY BLUNT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'M PROMOTING OUR MOVIE.
>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
WE HAD A WHOLE FULL GAME PLAN.
IT WAS GOING TO BE EPIC.
I WAS GOING TO HIT YOU WITH
THINGS.
INSTEAD YOU'RE SINGING ABOUT
KEN, AGAIN.
>> BUT IT'S NOT TOTALLY
UNRELATED.
I LISTEN TO THIS SONG IN "THE
FALL GUY" WHILE THINKING ABOUT A
BREAKUP.
I'M DOING EXACTLY WHAT WE TALKED
ABOUT.
>> DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,
THOUGH, RYAN?
>> NO.
>> YOU'RE KENNING RIGHT NOW, AND
I HATE THAT'S EVEN A VERB.
TAKE THE COAT OFF.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.
COME ON.
>> YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.
>> GUYS, I DON'T MEAN TO BE
HARSH, BUT, RYAN, YOU HAVE TO
MOVE ON.
IT'S TIME.
>> I KNOW.
I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> OKAY.
>> I JUST CAN'T.
♪ 'CUZ HERE WE ARE AGAIN ON OUR
TECHNICOLOR BEACH, I DIDN'T
REALLY ASK HER, IT WAS JUST OUT
OF REACH ♪
♪ I WAS THERE, BEACH BLOND HAIR,
NOW IT'S TIME TO WISH KEN
FAREWELL ♪
>> YEAH.
THAT'S HOW THIS IS GONNA GO.
>> WHAT THE HELL, EMILY!
>> YOU WERE A STUNT MAN, AND YOU
CAN TAKE A HIT.
AND LOOK HOW COOL THAT WAS.
RIGHT?
>> STUNT MAN.
THAT IS PRETTY COOL.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WOULD THINK
THAT'S COOL?
KEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KEN'S DEAD.
ALL RIGHT?
KEN IS DEAD.
>> BUT EMILY, YOU WERE IN
"OPPENHEIMER" LAST SUMMER.
>> YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I MEAN, EXACTLY.
I MEAN, I KNOW IT WAS AN
INFERIOR MOVIE, BUT.
>> I MEAN, IT WASN'T.
WE LIKE WON EVERYTHING,
ACTUALLY.
>> BUT DID YOU WIN PEOPLE'S
HEARTS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT DON'T YOU EVER MISS IT?
>> I MEAN --
♪ FATHER OF THE ATOM BOMB AND A
BOTTLE OF JACK, I USED TO BE THE
ALCOHOLIC WIFE OF A DUDE IN THE
HAT ♪
♪ TALKIN' TO ALBERT EINSTEIN,
SIPPIN' A MARGARITA WITH SOME
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN IN THE BACK OF
THAT GIDA ♪
♪ AND I MISS ALL MY KENS, AND I
MISS KILLIAN MURPHY, AND YOU
REALLY SHOULD SEE THE FALL GUY,
BUT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO ♪
♪ LET KEN GO, 'CUZ HERE WE ARE
AGAIN BACK IN 2023 WITH THE
BARBENHEIMER SUMMER, IT WAS JUST
YOU AND ME ♪
♪ DRUNK ON BEER, NO BODY HAIR,
NOW IT'S TIME TO WISH IT ALL
FAREWELL ♪
♪ WE WERE KITTY AND KEN, AND I
WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN US, YOU
WERE LOYAL TO THE END, AND YOUR
GUY HAD NO PENIS ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ MUST CONFESS, WE'RE A MESS TO
IMPRESS, BUT IT'S TIME TO WISH
KEN, KITTY, BOTH OF THEM
FAREWELL ♪
>> FAREWELL MY SWEET PRINCE.
>> NO.
WOW.
OH, MY GOD.
IT LIT BACK UP.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE KEN WILL NEVER DIE.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CHRIS STAPLETON IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
EMILY BLUNT!
>>> SO, WE'RE ON THE BEACH, AND HARRISON GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND SAYS, MARRY ME.
>> AW, OKAY, I CALLED IT.
I TOTALLY CALLED IT.
>> WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.
AND HARRISON, IT'S SO NICE TO
FINALLY MEET YOU.
>> THANK YOU, BRAD.
AM I SAYING THAT RIGHT?
BRAD?
>> YEAH.
NO OTHER WAY TO SAY BRAD.
>> OKAY.
NOW AUBREY, I HAVE A LITTLE
QUESTION FOR YOU IF YOU'LL
FOLLOW ME IN THE KITCHEN.
>> OH, NO.
DON'T GO.
DON'T GO, DON'T GO.
>> I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS IS
ABOUT.
BRIDESMAID!
>> DUDE, HARRISON, PRETTY
EXCITED ABOUT THIS WEDDING.
>> YEAH, DEFINITELY.
I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> OH, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOTHING.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE PROPOSED, BRAD.
YOU SEE, OUR DOG DIED, AND I
WANTED TO FIX IT.
>> OH.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE YOU
COULD TELL ABOUT THIS.
>> I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO TELL,
BRAD.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HER FRIENDS.
PLEASE, HELP ME, BRAD.
>> OKAY.
I WAS RIGHT.
I AM A BRIDESMAID!
>> AND, BRAD, THAT MEANS YOU'RE
IN THE WEDDING PARTY.
>> AWESOME.
>> IT'S GOING TO BE A MAGICAL
DAY.
RIGHT, BRAD?
>> TOTALLY.
HON, DID YOU SAY WE NEEDED TO
GET GOING SOON?
YOU LEFT THE AC ON OR SOMETHING?
>> NO.
IS THERE ANY CHAMPAGNE IN THIS
HOUSE?
WE NEED TO CELEBRATE.
>> OKAY.
YES.
FOLLOW ME.
>> OH, NO.
>> SO, YOU SEE JOJO SIWA CHANGED
HER LOOK?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
I KEEP DRIVING TO THE AIRPORT,
AND I JUST SIT IN MY CAR, AND I
WATCH THE PLANES FLY AWAY.
>> YOU KNOW, HARRISON, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD BE TELLING THIS TO A
THERAPIST.
>> MY THERAPIST GOT DEMENTIA
DURING COVID.
I STILL MEET WITH HIM BECAUSE I
FEEL BAD, BUT IT'S LIKE TALKING
TO A COCONUT.
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, BRAD.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
AUBREY IS TRYING TO TALK ME INTO
A DESTINATION WEDDING.
>> I'M JUST SAYING, CAPRI IS
GORGEOUS.
>> YEAH.
OR YOU COULD HOLD OFF ON
PLANNING.
>> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, BRAD?
>> YEAH, BRAD, WHY?
>> I'M JUST SAYING YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULD ENJOY THE ENGAGEMENT,
TAKE SOME TIME, SEE IF IT FEELS
RIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LOCKED?
>> WELL, WE ARE LOCKED IN, WE'RE
ENGAGED.
>> DOES ENGAGEMENT MEAN NOTHING
TO YOU, BRAD?
>> WELL, IN THE EYES OF THE LAW,
YOU COULD STILL WALK AWAY, NO
PROBLEM.
>> MM-HMM.
RIGHT.
UM, I'M SORRY.
WILL YOU GUYS EXCUSE ME?
>> NICE GOING, BRAD.
LIZ, HOLD ON.
I'M COMING.
>> GREAT.
NOW YOU GOT ME IN TROUBLE.
>> I'M GOING TO LEAVE TONIGHT.
>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
>> I FOUND A GUY ON GROUPON WHO
CAN DO FACIAL RECONSTRUCTION.
>> ON GROUPON?
>> YEAH.
I'M GONNA GET IT.
AND I'M GOING TO START A NEW
LIFE IN ISTANBUL.
NOW, I NEED YOU TO MEET ME THERE
WITH $12,000 IN CASH.
>> I AM NOT A PART OF THIS.
>> YOU'RE THE MAIN PART OF THIS,
BRAD.
>> I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL!
>> OKAY.
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON
OUT HERE?
>> LIZ, HARRISON DOESN'T WANNA
MARRY YOU, AND HE KEEPS TALKING
TO ME ABOUT IT, AND IT'S MAKING
ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, BRAD?
>> HARRISON, IS THAT TRUE?
YOU DON'T WANNA MARRY ME?
>> HONESTLY, LIZ, I'VE BEEN
HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS.
I'M SCARED.
>> WELL, EVERYBODY HAS DOUBTS
BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.
IT'S JUST COLD FEET.
I MEAN, EVEN I HAVE DOUBTS.
>> YOU DO?
>> YEAH.
>> THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH
BETTER.
GOSH, I'M SORRY, LIZ.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
>> I LOVE YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU TOO.
>> YOU KNOW I DO.
AND, BRAD, I'M SORRY IF I SAID
ANYTHING THAT MADE YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> YEAH.
ALL OF IT DID.
>> OKAY.
NOW I THINK WE COULD ALL USE A
REAL DRINK.
YEAH?
>> DEFINITELY.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
HARRISON, NOW, I'M SO GLAD THAT
ALL WORKED OUT.
>> I DIDN'T MEAN A WORD OF IT.
I'LL SEE YOU IN TURKEY.
FAREWELL, BRAD.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
>>> HI, LADIES. WE ALL KNOW THAT FEELING WHEN A MAN YOU LOVE BETRAYS YOU.
>> YEP.
>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
>> BEEN THROUGH IT A MILLION
TIMES, BUT WE DON'T GET MAD.
>> WE GET EVEN.
♪ HE'S PLAYING WITH MY HEART,
BABY HE'S NO GOOD, SO I TOOK MY
LIPSTICK, WROTE MY NAME ON HIS
HOOD ♪
♪ MESS WITH ME, IMMA MESS YOU
UP, SO I TOOK MY KEYS TO HIS
CHEVY PICKUP ♪
♪ MY MAN LEFT AND DIDN'T TREAT
ME KIND, Y'ALL CAN MESS WITH HIS
TRUCK, I'LL DESTROY HIS MIND ♪
♪ BREAK INTO HIS HOUSE, KEEP
REPLACING HIS SHOES WITH THE
SAME SET OF SHOES BUT HALF A
SIZE BIGGER ♪
♪ EVERY OTHER WEEK SO IT'S GOT
THE BOY THINKING ARE THESE
DIFFERENT OR AM I SHRINKING ♪
>> YOU DID WHAT NOW?
♪ YOU HAD A WHOLE ASS MEAL BUT
YOU LEFT ME FOR A SNACK, YOU
BETTER MARK MY WORDS I'M GONNA
GET THAT BOY BACK ♪
♪ HE'S GOT A NEW CHICK AND HE
THINKS SHE ROCKS, BUT I'LL GET
HIM BACK WITH MY BREAKUP BOD ♪
♪ I'M IN HIS PARENTS' HOUSE
PAINTED JUST LIKE THEIR WALL,
WHISPERING GET OUT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT ♪
>> GET OUT.
>> THEY'RE TELLING ME TO GET
OUT!
THEY KEEP SAYING IT!
>> WHO?
WHO IS SAYING THAT?
>> THE WALLS!
I'M MOVING IN WITH YOU.
♪ YOU HAD A WHOLE ASS MEAL BUT
YOU LEFT ME FOR A SNACK, YOU
BETTER MARK MY WORDS I'M GONNA
GET THAT BOY BACK ♪
♪ GOOD LUCK FINDING A NEW BOOTY
CALL WITH YOUR CRAZY ASS MOM
TALKING ABOUT THE WALLS ♪
♪ OH, I GOT A BROTHER TOO, BUT
HE TAUGHT ME BETTER ♪
♪ I'M EX-CIA AND I GO BY THE
SHREDDER, IF YOU DATE MY SIS,
YOU BETTER ADORE HER 'CUZ SHE
KNOWS MY TRICKS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL
TORTURE ♪
♪ LIKE SWITCHING HIS SUDOKU WITH
THE ONE THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED,
PLUCKING OUT HIS HAIRS SO HE
THINKS HE'S GOING BALD ♪
♪ AND HERE'S MY FAVORITE, YOU
WON'T REGRET THIS, DATE HIM AS A
NEW CHICK IN FULL PROSTHETICS ♪
♪ MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE THEN SIX
MONTHS IN, ACT LIKE YOU ONLY
SPEAK ROMANIAN ♪
>> WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE
THIS?
>> THE ROMANIAN GIRL HAS THE
EYES OF THE WALLS!
>> STOP TALKING ABOUT THE WALLS!
>>
[ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH
LANGUAGE ]
♪ WHY'S MY NEW GIRL NOT SPEAKING
ENGLISH, I JUST TRIED TO PAY MY
TAXES BUT THEY SAID I DON'T
EXIST ♪
♪ WHEN JENNY LEFT ME, MAN I
REALLY MISSED HER, SHE THOUGHT I
WAS CHEATING, BUT I WAS JUST
TEXTING MY SISTER ♪
>> THAT WAS YOUR SISTER?
>> AHH!
♪ I HAD A WHOLE ASS MEAL,
WOULDN'T LEAVE HER FOR A SNACK,
THAT WILD WALL WOMAN GAVE MY MOM
A HEART ATTACK ♪
>> I KNEW IT!
THE WALLS, THEY'RE ALIVE!
♪ MARK MY WORDS, IMMA GET THE
BOY BACK ♪
>>> MAN, WHAT A GOOD TIME WE HAVING TONIGHT. >> HEY, GUYS.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
>> OH, I'M GONNA HAVE A BEER.
>> AND CAN I HAVE A BEGIN AND
TONIC.
>> AND FOR YOU, SIR?
>> OH, PARA MI, MAMI?
>> SORRY FOR ASKING, BUT I'M
NOTING SOME ACCENTS.
I LOVE COUNTRIES.
WHERE ARE YOU GUYS FROM?
>> I'M DOMINICAN, AND HE'S
CUBAN, AND HE IS FROM TENNESSEE,
BUT EVER SINCE HE MARRIED A
CUBAN WOMAN, HE DIFFERENT.
>> A CUBAN WIFE CAN CHANGE YOU.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I USED TO TALK LIKE THIS, LIKE
HOT DOG, HAMBURGER, PATAGONIA.
BUT NOW, I TALK LIKE A CUBAN
PAPI.
>> OKAY.
WELL, AGAIN, I LOVE COUNTRIES
AND PLACES, SO I'LL BE BACK WITH
YOUR DRINKS SOON.
>> THANK YOU, MAMI.
>> THANK YOU.
>> HEY, ROBERTO, WE GOT TO GO
OUT TONIGHT.
>> YEAH, MAN, WE GOT TO GO OUT
TO THE CLUB TONIGHT.
>> OH, I CAN'T TONIGHT.
NOT TONIGHT, GUYS.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> WOW.
YOU GONNA MISS OUT.
>> YEAH, MAN.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE CRAZY,
MAN.
MANY CELEBRITIES GONNA BE THERE,
MAN.
GONNA BE EVAN MENDEZ.
>> WHAT?
>> YEAH.
MARGOT ROBBIE GONNA BE THERE.
THE ORIGINAL DOG FROM BEETHOVEN
GONNA BE THERE.
>> NO WAY YOU GOT THE ORIGINAL
DOG FROM BEETHOVEN.
>> AND NOT ONLY THIS.
WE ALSO GOT JON TAFFERS, HE GO
TO THE BAR AND SCREAM AND WRECK
THE BAR.
HE USED TO BE ON SPIKE TV AND
THEN HE WENT TO MTV, AND NOW HE
ON PARAMOUNT+.
>> I THOUGHT HE WAS ON HULU.
>> NO, MAN, HE NOT ON HULU.
HE ON PARAMOUNT+.
>> YEAH, PARAMOUNT+.
>> TONIGHT WAS GOING TO BE LOCO.
GONNA BE A BUNCH OF LADIES, THE
ORIGINAL DOG FROM BEETHOVEN.
ALL OF US --
[ SPEAKING IN A NON-ENGLISH
LANGUAGE ]
>> OKAY.
NUMBER ONE, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
AND NUMBER TWO, I STILL CAN'T
TONIGHT.
>> OH, OKAY.
OKAY.
I GUESS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
CALL THE ORIGINAL DOG FROM
BEETHOVEN AND TELL HIM YOU CAN'T
MAKE IT.
>> AND YOU GOT TO DO IT BECAUSE
I CANNOT TELL THAT TO HIM.
>> YOU GONNA MAKE ME DO IT?
OKAY.
HELLO?
THE ORIGINAL DOG FROM BEETHOVEN?
>> THIS IS SO SAD.
>> YEAH.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL YOU,
ORIGINAL DOG FROM BEETHOVEN.
HE CAN'T TONIGHT.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
BYE.
>> MAN, STOP PLAYING WITH ME.
I KNOW HE DID NOT SAY I LOVE YOU
FIRST.
>> WHY YOU EVEN CARE, MAN?
YOU CAN'T TONIGHT, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T.
>> THE TRUTH IS, I CAN'T GO TO
THE CLUB TONIGHT BECAUSE THERE
IS A WOMAN.
>> OH.
#.
>> SHE WORKS IN THE TOLL BOOTH
ON THE HIGHWAY.
SHE BEAUTIFUL.
# SHE FUNNY, SHE LIKE TO MAKE
CAKE, ANY CAKE.
>> CHOCOLATE CAKE?
>> NO, SHE DON'T MAKE THAT.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
THAT'S OKAY.
>> BUT I LOVE HER, MAN.
AND AFTER SEVEN MONTHS OF
DRIVING TO THE TOLL BOOTH EVERY
DAY, SHE FINALLY AGREED TO LET
ME STAND OUTSIDE AND SMOKE A
CIGARETTE WITH HER DURING HER
BREAK.
>> I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING LIKE
THAT.
>> I FEEL SO STUPID.
>> DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I WOULD LOVE TO PARTY WITH YOU
AND EVA MENDES AND MARGOT ROBBIE
AND THE ORIGINAL DOG FROM
BEETHOVEN, BUT TONIGHT, I CAN'T.
AND I DON'T WANT TO.
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE SMOKING
A BUNCH OF CIGARETTES WITH THE
LOVE OF MY LIFE.
>> THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
>> THAT'S AMAZING.
>> OH, MY GOSH, LOOK.
HE CAME.
>> OH, HE CAME.
>> GUYS, SOMEONE'S HERE TO SEE
YOU.
>> OH, MY GOD!
IT'S THE ORIGINAL DOG FROM
BEETHOVEN!
OKAY.
THAT'S IT.
I CAN TONIGHT.
>> YEAH!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
>>> WELCOME TO NEWSNATION. I'M BOBBI MOORE, AND TONIGHT'S LIVE STREAM TOWN HALL, WE'LL
DISCUSS THE POTENTIAL POWER AND
PITFALLS OF THE COMING AI
REVOLUTION.
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS THIS.
I'M JOINED BY M.I.T. DEAN OF
TECHNOLOGY, PROFESSOR NORM
HEMMING.
>> THANK YOU, BOBBI.
>> WELL, LET'S GET INTO IT.
PROFESSOR, YOU'VE BEEN VERY
OUTSPOKEN ABOUT THE THREAT THAT
AI POSES.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN YOUR STANCE TO
THE AVERAGE AMERICAN?
>> I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
>> CAN YOU EXPLAIN YOUR STANCE
ON AI TO THE AVERAGE AMERICAN?
>> CERTAINLY.
UM, TO BE CLEAR, I'M NOT
ANTI-AI.
I JUST BEAVIS -- BELIEVE -- I
BELIEVE AI NEEDS TO BE PROPERLY
REGULATED.
I'M SORRY.
>> PROFESSOR, IS THERE A
PROBLEM?
>> UM, YEAH.
THERE IS A GENTLEMAN IN YOUR
AUDIENCE WHO LOOKS STRIKINGLY
SIMILAR TO BEAVIS FROM THE
CARTOON BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD.
JUST A LITTLE DISTRACTING.
>> I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT
CARTOON, BUT WOULD IT HELP IF HE
MOVED SEATS?
>> YEAH.
YEAH, THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA.
IT'S THE GENTLEMAN IN THE BLUE
SHIRT AND BLOND.
>> SIR, DO YOU MIND MOVING?
>> I'M SORRY?
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
>> YES.
CAN YOU MOVE SEATS?
>> OKAY.
SURE.
I'M SORRY.
I JUST -- I'VE NEVER HEARD OF
THAT CARTOON CHARACTER, SO.
>> AND YOU REALLY NEVER WATCHED
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD WHEN YOU
WERE A TEENAGER?
>> NO.
I WAS PRETTY, SO I WAS GOING TO
PARTIES AND HOOKING UP.
NOW, PROFESSOR, IF AI IS LEFT
UNREGULATED, WHAT IS YOUR WORST
CASE SCENARIO?
>> WELL, IN SIMPLEST TERMS, IT
BECOMES SO INTELLIGENT THAT IT
DEEMS HUMANS UNNECESSARY AND
KILLS US ALL.
>> BUT IF HUMAN BEINGS CREATED
THE AI, CAN'T WE JUST PROGRAM IT
TO NOT DO THAT?
>> WELL, IT DEPENDS.
OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> WHAT?
I THINK THAT'S A VALID QUESTION.
>> NO!
NOW THERE'S A GENTLEMAN BEHIND
YOU THAT LOOKS LIKE BUTT-HEAD.
>> PROFESSOR, JUST BECAUSE OUR
AUDIENCE MEMBERS AREN'T AS
INFORMED ON THE ISSUE AS YOU
DOESN'T MAKE THEM BUTT-HEADS.
>> BUTT-HEAD FROM THE CARTOON.
HE'S BEAVIS' FRIEND.
>> I'D REALLY LIKE TO MOVE ON
AND DISCUSS AI, SO WOULD YOU
LIKE HIM TO MOVE?
>> YES.
THANK YOU.
THE MAN WITH THE GRAY SHIRT AND
EXPOSED GUMS.
>> SIR --
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
KINDLY MOVE SEATS.
>> SHE'S TALKING TO YOU.
>> OH, I'M SORRY.
ME?
>> YES.
>> I'M SO SORRY.
I'M CONFUSED.
I'M JUST HERE TO LEARN ABOUT AI.
>> PROFESSOR, WE HAVE A VIEWER
QUESTION FROM X.
@DANWICH 980 ASKS DOES CORNHOLIO
NEED TP FOR HIS BUM HOLE?
>> THAT'S SOMETHING TROLLING.
THAT'S A REFERENCE TO THE
CARTOON.
THAT WAS BEAVIS' ALTER EGO.
HE EAT THE SUGAR AND BECOME
CORNHOLIO.
>> I SEE.
LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR AUDIENCE
QUESTIONS STARTING WITH PATRICIA
FAULKNER.
>> YES.
RIGHT HERE.
>> YOU PUT THEM RIGHT NEXT TO
EACH OTHER?
THEY EVEN SITTING LIKE THEY DO
ON THE SHOW.
YOU TWO REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT
YOU LOOK LIKE BEAVIS AND
BUTT-HEAD?
>> I'VE HEARD RUMBLINGS THAT I
LOOK LIKE SOMEONE FROM TV, BUT
IT'S JUST -- MAYBE IT'S THIS
BEAVIS PERSON.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T WATCH MUCH TELEVISION.
I HAVE AN INCREDIBLY BUSY LIFE.
>> YEAH.
I'M VERY BUSY TOO.
AND THIS IS HONESTLY THE FIRST
TIME I'VE EVER HEARD THAT I LOOK
LIKE THIS BUTT-HEAD PERSON, SO.
>> OH, BOY.
FOR THOSE JUST TUNING IN, THIS
IS NEWSNATION, NOT THE CARTOON
NETWORK.
>> HEY, THEY LAUGH LIKE THEM
TOO.
YOU HEAR THAT?
>> MS. FAULKNER, GO AHEAD.
>> YES.
PROFESSOR, I'M A SPEECH
THERAPIST, AND I USE AI SOFTWARE
EVERY DAY.
>> YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.
HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN FRIENDS?
>> I DON'T KNOW THIS GENTLEMAN.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER?
>> NO.
HI, I'M DEAN.
>> JEFF.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TAKE A BREAK.
AFTER, WE'LL SPEAK WITH SOME
GENTLEMEN FROM TEXAS WHO LOST
THEIR JOBS TO AI.
I'M SURE THEY HAVE LOTS TO SAY.
>> I DO.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHRIS STAPLETON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ THIS LOVE IS GETTIN' KIND OF DANGEROUS
FEELS LIKE IT'S A LOADED GUN ♪ ♪ MY-MY IT'S TURNING
LIKE A CLOUD OF DUST
MY HEART ALWAYS
WANTS TO RUN ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH
IF YOU WANT A COWBOY
ON A WHITE HORSE
RIDIN' OFF INTO THE SUNSET ♪
♪ IF THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE
YOU WANNA WAIT FOR
HOLD ON TIGHT GIRL
I AIN'T THERE YET ♪
♪ NO I AIN'T THERE YET
NO I AIN'T THERE YET ♪
♪♪
♪ WHITE HORSE ♪
♪♪
♪ SOMEDAY MAYBE YOU COULD
HAVE YOUR WAY
RIGHT NOW'S
JUST NOT THE TIME ♪
♪ SOME THINGS A MAN'S JUST
GOT TO DO
I WISH YOU COULD
CHANGE MY MIND ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH
IF YOU WANT A COWBOY
ON A WHITE HORSE
RIDIN' OFF INTO THE SUNSET ♪
♪ IF THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE
YOU WANNA WAIT FOR
HOLD ON TIGHT GIRL
I AIN'T THERE YET ♪
♪ NO I AIN'T THERE YET
NO I AIN'T THERE YET ♪
♪♪
♪ WHITE HORSE ♪
♪♪
♪ IF YOU WANT A COWBOY
ON A WHITE HORSE
RIDIN' OFF INTO THE SUNSET ♪
♪ IF THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE
YOU WANNA WAIT FOR
HOLD ON TIGHT GIRL
I AIN'T THERE ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT A COWBOY
ON A WHITE HORSE
RIDIN' OFF
INTO THE SUNSET ♪
♪ IF THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE
YOU WANNA WAIT FOR
HOLD ON TIGHT GIRL
I AIN'T THERE YET ♪
♪ NO I AIN'T THERE YET
NO I AIN'T THERE YET ♪
♪ WHITE HORSE ♪
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
THE ARIZONA SUPREME COURT HAS
REINSTATED A LAW FROM 1964
BANNING DOCTORS FROM PERFORMING
ABORTIONS.
NOW, REINSTATING LAWS FROM 1864
ISN'T THE WORST THING FOR ME
BECAUSE I'M A WHITE LAND OWNER.
AND A PROUD FREE MASON.
BUT IT'S PROBABLY NOT GREAT TO
ADOPT HEALTH CARE RULES FROM A
TIME WHERE THE ONLY TWO THINGS
DOCTORS PRESCRIBED WERE PRAYER
AND COCAINE.
SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
BACK THEN, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO
KEEP YOUR BABY, YOUR ONLY OPTION
WAS TO GIVE IT TO RUMPLE STILL
SKIN.
PRESIDENT BIDEN CRITICIZED THE
LAW CALLING IT CRUEL, WHICH IS
THE SAME THING HE SAID WHEN HE
VOTED AGAINST IT IN 1864.
>> THIS WEEK, DONALD TRUMP SAID
THAT HE SUPPORTS ABORTION LAWS
BEING DECIDED BY THE STATES
INSTEAD OF THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT.
BUT WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT GO EVEN SMALLER AND
LEAVE IT UP TO THE COUNTY OR THE
CITY, OR EVEN BETTER, TAKE THE
GOVERNMENT OUT OF IT COMPLETELY
AND LEAVE THE CHOICE ABOUT WHAT
WOMEN CAN DO WITH THEIR BODIES
TO THE PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT
THEY CAN DO WITH THEM THE BEST,
THEIR HUSBANDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IN A VIDEO ON TRUTH SOCIAL,
DONALD TRUMP FALSELY SAID THAT
DEMOCRATS SUPPORT ABORTION UP TO
THE NINTH MONTH AND BEYOND.
SAYING, THE BABY IS EXECUTED
AFTER BIRTH.
BUT HE ONLY THINKS THAT HAPPENS
BECAUSE WHEN TRUMP WAS A BABY, A
BUNCH OF TIME TRAVELERS SHOWED
UP TRYING TO KILL HIM.
>> O.J. SIMPSON DIED THIS WEEK
AT THE AGE OF 76 AFTER A BATTLE
WITH PROSTATE CANCER THAT WAS
PLANTED ON HIM BY THE LAPD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THERE WAS ACTUAL LISTEN AN
ERROR IN THE LA TIMES OBITUARY
FOR O.J. SIMPSON IN THE SECTION
ABOUT HIS PRISON TIME.
INSTEAD OF WRITING OJ WALKED OUT
OF THE LOVE LAW CORRECTIONAL
CENTER, THEY WROTE, TRUMP WALKED
OUT OF THE LOVE LAW CORRECTIONAL
CENTER A FREE MAN FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN NINE YEARS.
IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN FOR TRUMP
THAT EVEN AUTO CORRECT THINKS HE
BELONGS IN JAIL.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN MET WITH
JAPAN'S PRIME MINISTER WHERE
THEY DISCUSSED BUILDING A NEW
BULLET TRAIN SYSTEM IN AMERICA
USING ADVANCED JAPANESE
TECHNOLOGY.
IN RETURN, JAPAN REQUESTED THE
ADVANCED AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY OF
FORKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> A NEW --
[ LAUGHTER ]
A NEW REPORT FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE CLAIMS THAT PRESIDENT
BIDEN'S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF
STUDENT LOAN RELIEF WILL
DISPROPORTIONATELY HELP LATINOS
WHICH HAS EARNED BIDEN THE
NICKNAME EL PAPA DESUGAR.
>> YESTERDAY, MIKE JOHNSON,
WHOSE POSITION AS HOUSE SPEAKER
IS IN JEOPARDY TRAVELED TO
MAR-A-LAGO FOR A MEETING WITH
DONALD TRUMP, AND BOY IS HIS JAW
TIRED.
ALL RIGHT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT GOT APPLAUSE?
THAT EVENTUALLY GOT APPLAUSE?
SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL SEEN
HERE BEING TOLD A BLACK WOMAN
MADE A COUNTRY ALBUM -- HAS --
HAS COME OUT IN FAVOR OF A BILL
THAT WOULD POTENTIALLY BAN TICK
KNOCK IN THE U.S.
OF COURSE, FOR McCONNELL, TIKTOK
IS JUST WHAT THE GRIM REAPER
SAYS WHILE TAPPING HIS WATCH.
>> THIS WEEK, THE TERM
WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE WAS
TRENDING ON TIKTOK AS SOME WOMEN
WERE CALLING OUT THEIR MALE
PARTNERS FOR DOING SIMPLE TASKS
BAD ON PURPOSE SO THEY NEVER
HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN.
HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR RESIDENT
BOYFRIEND MICHAEL LONGFELLOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> CHE, ALWAYS GOOD TO BE WITH
YOU, MY FRIEND.
>> MICHAEL, HOW YOU DOING?
SO WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON
WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE?
>> WELL, I JUST LEARNED ABOUT IT
BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND ASKED ME
TO BUY DISHWASHER SOAP, AND I
BOUGHT DISH SOAP, WHICH IS
DIFFERENT I GUESS.
SO MY TAKE IS I TOTALLY GET HER
POINT, BUT WHAT I NEED HER TO
UNDERSTAND IS I'M JUST
INCOMPETENT.
AND I'M TRYING REALLY, REALLY
HARD.
AND I LOVE YOU, GIRL.
SO PLEASE, DON'T BE MAD AT ME.
>> DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT GET
UPSET ABOUT YOU SAYING ANY OF
THIS ON TV?
>> NO.
SHE'LL BE UPSET BECAUSE I WAS
SUPPOSED TO PICK UP OUR CAT FROM
DAY CARE YESTERDAY, AND I'M
REALIZING AS I SPEAK I TOTALLY
FORGOT.
>> MICHAEL, THAT'S NOT GREAT,
MAN.
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE.
IN THE WORDS OF J. LO, THIS IS
ME.
NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME JUST TALK TO THE LADIES
DIRECTLY FOR A SECOND.
LET ME GET THE CAMERA.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD,
MAN.
>> HEY, GIRLS.
IT'S LONGFELLOW.
DON'T GET EXCITED.
IT'S JUST A NAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SMALL WEINER JOKE.
>> NO.
WE GOT IT, MAN.
WE GOT IT.
>> JUST A JOKE.
LOOK, LADIES, WHAT ARE WE
FIGHTING ABOUT?
THIS ISN'T US.
YES, MEN SOMETIMES MESS UP TASKS
SO SIMPLE THAT A CHILD COULD DO
THEM, BUT, GIRL, THAT'S
SOCIETY'S FAULT.
THAT'S NOT US BEING WEAPONS.
THE ONLY WEAPONS I OWN, RIGHT
HERE.
AND THEY'RE FOR PROTECTING YOU,
GIRL.
AS LONG AS HE'S SMALLER THAN ME.
SICK IF POSSIBLE.
>> THAT'S YOUR POINT?
>> I FORGOT TO THINK OF ONE.
I KNOW I NEED TO BE BETTER, BUT
HERE'S THE TRUTH.
IF I LIVED ALONE, I WOULD HAVE
ONE PLATE, I WOULD NEVER COOK, I
WOULD ORDER FOOD, PUT THE
TAKEOUT BOXES ON TOP OF THE
TRASH CAN, AND WHEN THE BOXES
TOUCH THE CEILING, MOVE BACK IN
WITH MY MOM.
THAT'S A GOOD LIFE TO ME.
I'M OKAY LIVING LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE NOT, KATE.
>> YOU JUST SAY YOUR
GIRLFRIEND'S REAL NAME?
>> YEAH.
OOPSY.
LET'S TURN THE TABLES.
LET'S TALK ABOUT WEAPONIZED
COMPETENCE.
>> WEAPONIZED COMPETENCE?
>> YEAH.
WOMEN.
YOU'RE TOO COMPETENT.
WHY DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO ALL
THIS STUFF?
HOW DO YOU KNOW THE WORD DUVET?
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
I'VE BEEN LIVING ON THE SAME
EARTH AS YOU, GIRL.
NEVER ONCE HEARD DUVET.
NOW YOU'RE MAD AT ME BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT ON?
PUT WHAT ON WHAT?
>> HE'S GOT SOME GOOD POINTS.
MICHAEL LONGFELLOW, EVERYBODY.
>> I'M SO SORRY, BABE!
>> IN A NEW INTERVIEW, BILLY D.
WILLIAMS SAYS THAT ACTORS SHOULD
BE ALLOWED TO DO BLACK FACE,
ADDING IF YOU'RE AN ACTOR, YOU
SHOULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO
DO.
EXACTLY, SAID KEVIN SPACEY.
>> NEW YORK CITY -- NEW YORK.
>> THEY LIKES IT.
>> NO, THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.
NEW YORK CITY OFFICIALS ARE
CONSIDERING CONTROLLING THE
CITY'S RAPID GROWING POPULATION
BY USING BIRTH PELLETS, WHICH
WILL FINALLY LET FEMALE RATS
FOCUS ON THEIR CAREERS.
>> THE TSA REPORTS IN THE FIRST
THREE MONTHS OF THIS YEAR, THEY
HAVE INTERCEPTED 1,500 GUNS IN
CARRY-ON BAGS, AND THE MAJORITY
OF THEM WERE LOADED, 'CUZ YOU'RE
GIVING ME THAT WINDOW SEAT.
>> YOU ARE A STUPID MAN.
72-YEAR-OLD JERRY TURNER FROM
THE GOLDEN BACHELOR ANNOUNCED
THAT HE AND HIS 70-YEAR-OLD WIFE
ARE DIVORCING AFTER THREE MONTHS
OF MARRIAGE.
BUT LIKE THEY SAY, THERE'S STILL
PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA --
METARY.
SEAMETARY, COLIN.
>> REALLY GOOD.
IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT A MUSICAL
VERSION OF LORD OF THE RINGS
WILL OPEN IN CHICAGO, SO IF YOU
LOVE MUSICALS AND YOU LOVE LORD
OF THE RINGS, HIGH SCHOOL MUST
HAVE BEEN A TOUGH TIME.
TRUST ME, I KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA
ANNOUNCED THAT BASKETBALL STAR
CAITLIN CLARK WILL HAVE HER
JERSEY RETIRED.
AND REPLACED WITH AN APRON.
OH.
WELL, THE WNBA DRAFT IS THIS
MONDAY, AND IOWA STAR CAITLIN
CLARK IS EXPECTED TO BE THE
NUMBER ONE PICK.
HERE TO COMMENT IS CAITLIN
CLARK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, MICHAEL. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> BUT NOTHING FOR MY JOKE?
WHATEVER.
I AM A FAN, CAITLIN, BY THE WAY.
>> REALLY, MICHAEL?
BECAUSE I HEARD THAT LITTLE
APRON JOKE YOU DID.
>> YEAH.
IT WAS A JOKE.
WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN.
YOU KNOW?
>> YOU MAKE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT
WOMEN'S SPORTS.
DON'T YOU, MICHAEL?
>> I WOULDN'T SAY A LOT.
IT'S NOT ON THE REGULAR.
>> IT'S DEFINITELY A LOT.
I ACTUALLY SORT OF MADE A SUPER
CUT.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> WELL, NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO --
A NUMBER OF SPORTS BARS AROUND
THE COUNTRY ARE PROMISING TO
ONLY SHOW WOMEN'S BASKETBALL
GAMES DURING MARCH MADNESS.
THE BARS ARE KNOWN COLLECTIVELY
AS THE EMPTY ONES.
A NEW REPORT CLAIMS THAT RECENT
STORIES ON THE SPORTS
ILLUSTRATED WEBSITE WERE
ACTUALLY GENERATED BY AI, AND
IT'S ALREADY MAKING GLARING
MISTAKES, FOR INSTANCE, IT MADE
UP SOMETHING CALLED THE WNBA?
IOWA'S FINAL FOUR GAME AGAINST
UCONN WAS THE MOST WATCHED
WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME
EVER WITH 14.2 MILLION VIEWERS,
BEATING THE PREVIOUS RECORD BY
14.2 MILLION VIEWERS.
>> WOW.
COLIN WITH THE RECEIPTS.
THANKS, MAN.
>> NO PROBLEM.
UNLIKE CHE, I SUPPORT WOMEN.
>> HOLD ON.
I THINK YOU'RE A GREAT
BASKETBALL PLAYER.
I CAN'T PLAY LIKE YOU DO.
>> YEAH.
WE KNOW.
OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T TELL JOKES
LIKE YOU DO.
>> THANK YOU FOR THAT.
>> BUT I DID WRITE SOME JOKES.
IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME IF YOU
READ SOME OF THEM.
JUST RIGHT OVER THERE ON THE
CARDS.
>> WELL -- THE INDIANA FEVER
HAVE THE FIRST PICK IN THIS
MONDAY'S DRAFT, A REMINDER THAT
INDIANA FEVER IS A WNBA TEAM AND
NOT WHAT MICHAEL CHE GAVE TO
DOZENS OF WOMEN AT PURDUE
UNIVERSITY.
>> SEE?
THAT'S A GOOD JOKE ABOUT WOMEN'S
SPORTS.
TRY ANOTHER ONE.
>> YOU REALLY WROTE THESE
YOURSELF?
>> YEAH.
>> NETFLIX TOP SHOW IS RIPLY
FEATURING AN EERIE UNSETTLING
PERFORMANCE BY ACTOR ANDREW
SCOTT.
CRITICS SAY IT'S THE HARDEST
THING TO WATCH ON NETFLIX SINCE
MICHAEL CHE'S SPECIAL SHAME THE
DEVIL.
>> I LIKE THAT ONE.
THERE'S MORE.
>> THIS YEAR, CAITLIN CLARK
BROKE THE RECORD FOR
THREE-POINTERS IN A SINGLE
SEASON, AND I HAVE THREE
POINTERS FOR MICHAEL CHE, ONE,
BE, TWO, FUNNIER, THREE, DUMB
ASS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WOW.
THANKS FOR DOING THAT, MICHAEL.
>> YEAH.
NO PROBLEM.
AND GOOD LUCK IN THE WNBA.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT FIRST
SEASON.
>> THANKS.
I'M SURE IT WILL BE A BIG FIRST
STEP FOR ME, BUT IT'S JUST ONE
STEP FOR THE WNBA THANKS TO ALL
THE GREAT PLAYERS, THE GREAT DON
STAYLY, AND MY BASKETBALL HERO,
MAYA MOORE.
THESE ARE THE GIRLS THAT KICKED
DOWN THE DOOR SO I COULD WALK
INSIDE.
I WANT TO THANK THEM FOR LAYING
DOWN THE FOUNDATION.
MICHAEL, SINCE YOU'RE SUCH A BIG
FAN, I BROUGHT YOU A SOUVENIR.
IT'S AN APRON SIGNED BY ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GIVE THIS TO MY
GIRLFRIEND.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,
MICHAEL.
>> ALL RIGHT.
CAITLIN CLARK, EVERYBODY.
FOR
>>> MAN, I HATE HOSPITALS ALMOST AS MUCH AS DAD DOES. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S BEEN IN
SURGERY FOR 12 HOURS.
>> THANK YOU ALL FOR WAITING.
THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW.
>> HELLO, FAMILY.
WELL, THIS IS NEVER EASY TO SAY.
WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD, BUT
HE DID NOT MAKE IT.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> IT'S OKAY, GUYS.
HE LIVED A LONG LIFE.
>> IF IT'S ANY COMFORT, IT'S NOT
MY FAULT.
>> OKAY.
YEAH.
WE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ANYONE'S
FAULT.
>> MM, SO WE AGREE.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
COULD EACH OF YOU SAY THAT ONE
AT A TIME, PLEASE?
>> DO NOT RECORD US RIGHT NOW.
>> DOCTOR, CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A
MOMENT TO PROCESS THIS?
>> OKAY.
>> WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL GO
AROUND AND SAY SOMETHING WE
LOVED ABOUT GRANDPA.
>> I THINK THAT WOULD BE NICE.
>> I LOVE THE WAY THAT HE
SMELLED.
>> HELLO, AGAIN.
THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE.
HE WAS IN THE OPERATING ROOM
WITH ME.
HE HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO
TELL YOU.
>> I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
>> AND?
>> I DIDN'T DROP ANYTHING IN
ANYTHING.
>> SEE, NOW THAT MAKES IT SEEM
LIKE YOU DID.
>> NO, I DIDN'T.
HE WAS VERY OLD, VERY SICK, AND
THERE WAS ALREADY AN AIRPOD
INSIDE OF HIM.
>> OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE WE SHOULD
GET OUT OF THIS WAITING ROOM.
>> YEAH.
COME ON, KIDS, LET'S GO TO THE
CAFETERIA.
>> OH, ARE YOU HUNGRY?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME
COOKIE CRUMBLES?
>> WHAT ARE COOKIE CRUMBLES?
>> THEY'RE MY OWN CREATION.
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T WANT A WHOLE
COOKIE, YOU JUST WANT A BITE.
>> DID YOU HAVE THAT ON YOU
DURING THE SURGERY?
>> WE HAD A FEW SPOONFULS, YES.
THAT'S HOW YOU EAT THEM, WITH A
LITTLE RED SPOON.
IT WOULD COME WITH IT.
>> UM, ARE YOU LIKE SELLING
THESE?
>> THE COOKIE CRUMBLES OR THE
SPOON?
EITHER WAY, NOT YET BUT SOON.
>> SO, IT'S JUST CRUMBS OF
COOKIES?
>> IT'S COOKIE CRUMBLES.
WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
FOR WHEN YOU WANT A COOKIE, BUT
YOU DON'T WANT THE WHOLE THING.
I DIDN'T KILL HIM.
>> THE SLOGAN IS THAT'S THE WAY
THE COOKIE FALLS APART INTO
LITTLE PIECES.
>> WHY NOT JUST THAT'S THE WAY
THE COOKIE CRUMBLES?
>> WE'RE NOT TAKING ANY PITCHES.
>> DOCTOR, PLEASE --
>> HOW DID YOU KNOW MY LAST
NAME?
>> YOUR LAST NAME IS PLEASE?
>> YES.
HE'S DR. PLEASE, AND I'M JEFFREY
THANK YOU.
>> LOOK.
WE'RE TRYING TO GRIEVE.
MY FATHER IS GONE.
>> WE CAN'T BRING HIM BACK.
>> YEAH.
WE KNOW THAT OBVIOUSLY.
>> UNLESS YOU THINK MAYBE WE
COULD.
NO.
>> IT'S NOT SOMETHING WE CAN DO,
UNLESS YOU THINK WE SHOULD TRY.
>> NO.
>> LOOK, WE NEED TO MAKE A FEW
CALLS AND ARRANGEMENTS.
CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SOME PRIVACY?
>> OKAY.
WHAT IS UP WITH THESE GUYS?
I'M KIND OF CREEPED OUT.
>> DO THEY EVEN WORK HERE?
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY DEFINITELY
KILLED GRANDPA.
>> DON'T TALK TOO LOUD.
THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.
>> MM.
MM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> YOU KNOW, WE COULD ALSO CALL
THEM COOKIE CROUTONS.
>> ONE COULD MIX THEM INTO A
DESERT SALAD.
>> THAT'S BRILLIANT.
THE DRESSING COULD BE CHOCOLATE
SYRUP OR -- ICE CREAM.
>> STOP TALKING ABOUT THE COOKIE
CRUMBLES.
>> WE'RE SORRY.
>> WE HAVE ONE MORE THING TO
SAY, AND WE HOPE THIS GIVES YOU
THE CLOSURE YOU NEED.
>> WHAT IS IT?
>> WE ARE DATING NOW.
>> BEEP, BEEP.
HERE HE IS.
>> IS THAT MY FAMILY?
I'M STILL FEELING A LITTLE
WOOZY.
>> DAD, YOU'RE ALIVE?
>> WAIT, THIS IS YOUR FATHER?
>> WE HAVE THE WRONG FAMILY.
>> WE HEARD EVERYTHING YOU SAID.
>> WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR
FATHER?
>> IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COOKIE
CRUMBLES?
>>> ONCE AGAIN, CHRIS STAPLETON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪
♪♪
♪ THERE'S A DESTINATION
I'VE GOT A WAYS TO GO ♪
♪♪
♪ THERE'S A REVELATION
THAT I MIGHT NEVER KNOW ♪
♪♪
♪ SOMEWHERE SALVATION
IS WAITING DOWN THE ROAD ♪
♪♪
♪ THINK I'LL FIND
A LONG WHITE LINE
CURSE THE WORLD
AND LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND ♪
♪♪
♪ I BEEN TRYING
ALL THIS TIME
BUT I STILL CAN'T CLIMB
THE MOUNTAINS OF MY MIND ♪
♪♪
♪ THERE'S A TESTIMONY
THAT NO ONE'S EVER HEARD ♪
♪♪
♪ THERE'S CIRCUMSTANCES
THAT NONE OF US DESERVES ♪
♪♪
♪ NO RHYME OR REASON
WAITING 'ROUND THE CURVE ♪
♪♪
♪ SO I THINK I'LL FIND
A LONG WHITE LINE
CURSE THE WORLD
AND LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND ♪
♪♪
♪ I BEEN TRYING
ALL THIS TIME
BUT I STILL CAN'T CLIMB
THE MOUNTAINS OF MY MIND ♪
♪♪
♪ THERE'S AN EMPTY TABLE
WITH A WELL-WORN
WOODEN CHAIR ♪
♪♪
♪ JUST WAITING FOR ME
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ♪
♪♪
♪ WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME
AND NO ONE EVEN CARES ♪
♪♪
♪ THINK I'LL FIND
A LONG WHITE LINE
CURSE THE WORLD
AND LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND ♪
♪♪
♪ I BEEN TRYING
ALL THIS TIME
AND I STILL CAN'T CLIMB
THE MOUNTAINS OF MY MIND ♪
♪♪
♪ YES I BEEN TRYING
ALL THIS TIME
AND I STILL CAN'T CLIMB
THE MOUNTAINS OF MY MIND ♪
♪♪
♪ DON'T WORRY I'LL BE FINE
BUT I STILL CAN'T CLIMB
THE MOUNTAINS OF MY MIND ♪
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> NEARLY 25 YEARS AGO, FILMING BEGAN ON THE CLASSIC MOVIE ERIN BROCKOVICH.
TONIGHT WE REVISIT A DELETED
SCENE FROM THE FILM.
>> HEY, WHO THE HELL IS MAKING
ALL THAT DAMN NOISE?
>> HEY, SORRY.
I WAS WORKING ON MY BIKE.
I'M GEORGE.
JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.
>> WELL, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR ERIN,
AND I LIKE IT QUIET, SO SHUT UP.
>> WAIT.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU OUT TO
DINNER TO APOLOGIZE?
GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.
>> YOU WANT MY NUMBER?
WHICH NUMBER DO YOU WANT,
GEORGE?
BECAUSE I GOT NUMBERS COMING OUT
OF MY EARS.
FOR INSTANCE, TEN, THAT'S HOW
MANY MONTHS OLD MY BABY GIRL IS.
SIX, THAT'S HOW OLD MY OTHER
DAUGHTER IS.
TWO IS HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN
MARRIED AND DIVORCED, AND WITH
ALL THE NUMBERS I GAVE YOU, I'M
GUESSING ZERO IS THE NUMBER OF
TIMES I'LL BE HEARING FROM YOU,
GEORGE.
SO GOOD NIGHT.
MAYBE YOU CAN WRITE ME A LETTER
SOMETIME.
>> LETTER?
HERE'S A LETTER FOR YOU.
Y, THE THING I ASK MY WIFE AND
MY DAD WHEN HE LEFT.
U, THE ANSWER MY MAMA GAVE ME.
K, WHAT MY DAD TEXT BACK AFTER I
SAY I LOVE HIM.
J, WHAT I SMOKE TO FORGET MY
ROTTEN PAST.
AND O, THE THING I HAVE NEVER
GIVEN A WOMAN.
SO, YEAH, MAYBE NEXT TIME DON'T
JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.
>> BOOK?
DID YOU SAY BOOK?
LITTLE WOMEN, THAT'S WHAT I CALL
MY 30 DAUGHTERS.
>> I THOUGHT YOU HAD TWO.
>> FAHRENHEIT 451, WHAT I PUT
THE OVEN AT TO MAKE THEM THEIR
SAD GRAY MEATLOAF.
EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY
CLOSE, THAT'S HOW I LIKE TO DO
IT.
>> WOW.
>> YEAH.
YOU COULDN'T HANDLE MY LIFE,
GEORGE.
TRUST ME.
WE'RE BETTER OFF BEING FRIENDS.
>> FRIENDS?
YOU SAY FRIENDS?
WELL, I KNOW SOME FRIENDS.
CHANDLER, RACHEL, JOEY, ROSS,
MONICA, PHOEBE, AND CENTRAL
PERK.
NOT A PERSON, BUT UNDENIABLY A
CHARACTER IN THAT SHOW.
>> WILL Y'ALL PLEASE SHUT UP?
I LIVE ACROSS THE STREET AND I
CAN'T GET A WINK OF SLEEP.
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE SO MUCH
NOISE.
>> NOISE?
DID YOU SAY NOISE?
I KNOW A COUPLE NOISES.
BEEP BEEP, THAT'S THE SOUND OF
MY EX-WIFE'S CAR PARKED OUTSIDE
MY HOUSE.
HA-HA-HA, THAT'S THE SOUND OF
CHILDREN LAUGHING AT ME WHEN I
TRY TO LEARN HOW TO SKATEBOARD.
WEE, WEE, WEE, THAT'S THE SOUND
OF BATS FLYING AROUND MY ATTIC.
POW!
THAT'S ME DOING KARATE ON THE
BATS.
HOW'S THAT FOR SOUND?
>> IT'S GOOD.
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> BUT YOU'VE CONVINCED ME I'D
LOVE TO GET THAT DINNER.
>> GREAT.
CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?
>> NUMBER?
>> OH.
>> NO.
WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.
>>> MY THANKS TO CHRIS STAPLETON, MORGAN, KATE McKINNON!
EMILY BLUNT, AND CAITLIN CLARK!
EVA, I LOVE YOU.
THE BEST CREW IN THE WORLD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT.
AND THE CAST!